text:
Tonight's game was simply frustrating for the most part. First, the bad. There was that really, really stupid baserunning error in the Reds' half of the first. I thought you learned in little league to hold your ground during a rundown. Then there was that throw from Adam Dunn that just went sideways. Oh well.
Then there was Johnny Cueto. It was obvious he didn't have much tonight and the more he pitched the madder he got. He started overthrowing the ball and got hit a lot. That's two times out of three starts he got hit hard early on. Chalk it up to youth, but also one pitch really frustrated Cueto. A pitch that Bako should have blocked but went under his glove to the backstop. Cueto seemed to bristle and from then on he was toast. He'll learn, but I hope this isn't a characteristic we'll often see. It wasn't pretty.
Then there was the offense. Facing a pitcher who had pitched 17 innings before tonight and had given up 22 hits, the Reds got a hit in the first and two in the ninth. Shameful.
Bill Bray's anticipated debut appeared to be the ghost of Todd Coffey. He gave up 3 hits and 2 walks in 1.2 innings, but no runs. He threw 47 pitches in that short stint. We'll call it nerves and hope he gets better later on.
The good. Josh Fogg pitched well ad proves he may be an asset in the bullpen. Adam Dunn broke out of his mini slump and took Reyes yard which was impressive.
The bullpen pitched over 6 innings of scoreless ball. That has to be encouraging. We lost, but there were some positives. Seriously.


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Le Dîner à San Francisco 2015
- Food & Drink
- San Francisco
09/21/13 Startup Workshop Intensive w/Angel Investor
Saturday, September 21, 2013 from 10:00 AM to 3:00 PM (PDT)
Event details: http://www.everyCircle.com/en/events/2013sep21startupworkshopintensive Rev. 09/20/13, 4:40pm
Cost: Advance $77 (by 11pm September 20) or $100 at door
Breakfast, Lunch and Refreshments will be provided.
Must bring your receipt. Your name will be on the list at the door.
Info: Cesar Plata 408 352-5932, 239-9006c
Workshops I & III Presented by Gary Jinks
Founder and Managing Director, South Valley Angels, www.southvalleyangels.com
and President of GLJ Group, www.gljgroup.com
GLJ Group facilitates, coordinates and manages the flow of quality deal flow and opportunities to achieve realization, launch and financial success.
GLJ Group and partners provide resources, services, and/or professional networks that enable quality deal flow, provide subject matter experts and ensure overall success.
At South Valley Angels (SVA), we have passion and pride for working with entrepreneurs to build the great companies of tomorrow. SVA is comprised of entrepreneurs and senior executives from a wide range of industries who are passionate about investing for the future.
South Valley Angels funds innovative start-up companies with compelling ideas and promising teams. We review companies from all regions and have a special interest in nurturing the greater San Francisco Bay Area.
Our primary goal is to provide funds to compelling start-ups and seed-stage companies while assisting with hands-on mentoring to ensure success for the company and return for our investors. Our greatest assets are our broad experience and our extensive networks that we can bring into play to facilitate our entrepreneurs' needs.
Workshop II Presented by
Terry Kelly, attorney at law and partner at Dorsey and Whitney, LLP
Terry Kelly is a partner in Dorsey's Corporate practice. His practice focuses on representation of emerging high-technology companies with respect to venture capital financing, intellectual property law, and licensing and distribution agreements.
Terry has extensive experience advising clients in connection with financing, and intellectual property protection and exploitation, including the acquisition, protection and sale of intellectual property and buying, selling, leasing, distribution, licensing and development of high-technology products and services. His clients include software, Internet, hardware, video on demand, semiconductor medical devices, photonics and life sciences companies.
Representative Work
Representative Clients
Professional Activities
Pay It Forward - Invite Others - Be The Connector
A Simple and Powerful Paradigm: Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Your clients and friends are your best ambassadors. They can help you meet more people effectively and successfully than you can by yourself.
Leverage - Power of Third Party Referrals: Create your Power Team, introduce your clients to their NEXT clients, and promote each others` businesses! Strangers will generally believe and trust a referral much more and sooner then they will believe you (human nature).
Our Mixer is Your Mixer: It is in your best interests to invite others to attend YOUR everyCircle mixer. Please email others and give your business top billing:
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408 352-5932, email@example.com
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subset: commoncrawl


text:
A collection of news and information related to Progress Energy Incorporated published by this site and its partners.
Top Progress Energy Incorporated Articles
Displaying items 34-44
Will PSC approve FPL rate hike?
Regulators slash FPL's rate-hike request
Florida utilities leave PSC empty-handedColumn | Jan 14, 2010 | 7:38 PMThis week the Public Service Commission sent a clear message to Progress Energy and Florida Power & Light: For now, the state's largest investor-owned utilities are the ones in the dark. The PSC, which regulates the price of electricity and other...
Utilities need to accept nuclear riskColumn | Oct 31, 2010 | 1:16 PMIf you are a Progress Energy customer, come December you will have paid more than $150 over the past two years toward two new nuclear reactors that may never get built. And the price is set to blast off from there. By 2020, Progress Energy projects it...
Rate deal gets monkey off utility's backColumn | May 11, 2010 | 7:18 PMProgress Energy agreed this week to freeze customers' base rates for three years, just months after losing a battle to increase bills by a record amount. The decision by Central Florida's largest investor-owned electric provider signals the company's...
PSC applicants include former football player, legislators and former regulatory employeesStory | May 17, 2010 | 4:45 PMA former professional football player, three state legislators and several current and former Public Service Commission employees are among 61 people who have applied for two open seats on the PSC, which regulates Florida utilities. The PSC Nominating...
Who will regulate your utility rates? PSC nominees go to CristStory | Jun 10, 2010The state is closer to filling two open seats on the Public Service Commission, which is responsible for ensuring your utility rates are affordable and the service is safe and reliable. The PSC nominating council –six legislators and six...
PSC staff: FPL's base rate hike should have been higher
Lawmakers need to keep politics out of public counsel officeColumn | Feb 2, 2010 | 7:16 PMThere's something funny going on. At least that's the conclusion you might draw when you hear about what's happening to Florida Public Counsel J.R. Kelly. For the first time in recent memory, a sitting public counsel — the person appointed by...
Tourism slogan plays it safeColumn | Feb 13, 2010 | 12:32 PMFlorida unveiled a new tourism slogan last week: "Your Florida Side is Calling." Not exactly knocking your socks off, is it? But then, my guess is the folks at DDB Miami, the advertising agency that devised the $6.1 million campaign for Visit Florida,...
FPL asks to lower cost of fuel and other expenses


text:
Open Day 18th July 2015
- Family & Education
- Alexandra Park, Bailrigg, Lancaster, Lancashire, LA2 0PJ
Junior Hack Jam 6.10.13
Hack Jam Preston
Sunday, October 6, 2013 from 10:00 AM to 12:30 PM (WEST)
Junior Hack Jam
Play. Hack. Share.
The Media Factory, UCLan, Preston
After our very popular Hack Jams during the Summer, we are now offering a programme of regular events for children (and their families) who wish to discover more about digital making, coding etc.
Junior Hack Jam is aimed at 8 - 14 year olds (while Senior Hack Jam is aimed at 12 - 18 year olds.) Our first 3 events take place on the first Sunday of Oct, Nov and Dec. The plan is to run this every Saturday from Jan 2014.
Each event provides opportunities for everyone to:
This is a family-friendly event. We welcome mums & sons and dads & daughters from 8 years and up. You don't need to be a computer genius to take part. Please bring a laptop (if you have one) and any projects you are working on with you, eg. Raspberry Pi etc.
Adults & Students Please Support Us We are appealing for adult supporters to attend who have an interest in digital making, eg. students, teachers & developers. Please use the 'contact the organiser' button on the right for more information and a special registration code.
Places are limited and must be booked in advance.
How to get there - this event will be held in Media Innovation Studio (photos) on the 4th floor of the Media Factory Building. It's a 7 minute walk from the train station or there is parking on the surrounding streets. Directions to Media Factory.
Chief organiser Alan O'Donohoe
In order to purchase these tickets in installments, you'll need an Eventbrite account. Log in or sign up for a free account to continue.


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DES MOINES, Iowa — Iowa lawmakers adjourned the 2015 legislative session Friday, approving a $7.3 billion spending plan that includes modest increases for education, funding to maintain mental health institutions and a tax break for broadband Internet infrastructure.
The Democratic-led Senate and the Republican-controlled House officially concluded their work Friday afternoon. Their budget bills will go to Gov. Terry Branstad, who gets thirty days to decide whether he will sign off. He hasn't indicated his plans.
Under the compromise spending deal, the state will spend about $7.3 billion for the fiscal year that starts July 1. The deal represents only a slight increase over the current spending and includes $7.17 billion in ongoing spending, plus $135 million in one-time payments for items like schools, universities and Medicaid. Those payments will be made from surplus fund dollars left at the end of the current fiscal year.
The session was light on policy achievement. A defining accomplishment was a bipartisan deal for a 10-cent-a-gallon hike to the state fuel tax to pay for road improvements, which took effect March 1.
In the final days of the session, lawmakers agreed on a plan to provide incentives for broadband Internet infrastructure investment, a long-held goal of the governor. But several proposals failed to advance, including pushes to legalize more fireworks sales in the state, toughen anti-bullying protections and make sweeping changes to state gun laws.
"Regrettably, this General Assembly could not come together to advance second amendment rights for Iowans and our law enforcement community," said House Speaker Kraig Paulsen, R-Hiawatha, in closing remarks.
Both sides had their regrets. Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal, D-Council Bluffs, bemoaned the limited resources provided for education, but said "we chose compromise over gridlock."
Branstad hailed the broadband bill and the fuel tax agreement, but criticized lawmakers for not agreeing on K-12 education funding for the 2016-2017 school year or an anti-bullying plan.
"Every child deserves a safe and respectful learning environment," he said in a statement.
Bickering over the amount of available spending dragged the session well past May 1, when daily expense payments expired.
At the center of the debate was a philosophical difference over the funds available to spend. By separating out some one-time expenditures from the main budget, the compromise plan honors some priorities of both sides. The House maintains a pledge to keep ongoing spending in line with projected revenues, while the Senate gets some more money for key priorities such as education.
The state's fiscal picture is not as rosy as in past years. The latest projection from the Revenue Estimating Conference said the state will take in $7.18 billion in the 2015-2016 fiscal year, about 6 percent more than the current year. But Branstad has noted that farm incomes have slowed and that farmers are suffering under the bird flu outbreak, which has left 29 million birds dead, dying or waiting to be euthanized.
The spending plan includes an increase in ongoing money for K-12 education in the next school year, as well as a one-time payment of $55.7 million.
Higher education institutions will see more money, but not the the entire $8.8 million sought to maintain a third year of tuition freezes. Board of Regents President Bruce Rastetter did not commit Thursday to freezing tuition in the spring 2016 term.
Lawmakers agreed to a health budget that would keep open one of two mental health facilities slated for closure and would seek to find a private provider to run the other. Branstad had removed funding for the facilities in his budget, but under the deal, the facility in Mount Pleasant will remain open, and one in Clarinda will stay open through mid-December. The state will seek to turn it over to a private operator.
The health budget creates a committee to oversee the state's plan to privatize Medicaid services. Under a new law, the state will require that doctors give women the opportunity to view an ultrasound prior to an abortion, except in cases of medical emergencies. And it continues a requirement that the governor must sign off on reimbursements for Medicaid-funded abortions.


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Beet And Potato Salad
26 Aug 2010
|1 1⁄4 Pound
|8 Ounce
|Red wine vinegar
|2 Tablespoon
|Extra virgin olive oil
|1 Tablespoon
|Chopped italian parsley
|2 Teaspoon
|Dijon mustard
|3⁄4 Teaspoon
|Chopped tarragon
|1⁄4 Teaspoon
|Torn escarole
|4 Cup (64 tbs)
|Sliced onions
|3⁄4 Cup (12 tbs)
|To Taste
In separate pots, cover the beets and potatoes with water; bring both to a boil.
Depending upon their size, cook the beets for 15 to 25 minutes and the potatoes for 15 to 20 minutes, or until just tender (easily pierced with a knife but still firm).
Cool to room temperature.
Peel and slice the beets; slice the potatoes.
Set aside.
In a large bowl, whisk together the vinegar, oil, parsley, mustard and tarragon.
Remove 1 tablespoon of the dressing and toss with the escarole; arrange on a serving platter or on 4 individual salad plates.
Add the beets, potatoes and onions to the remaining dressing and toss to combine.
Add salt and pepper to taste.
Arrange on the escarole.
Rate It
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Beet And Potato Salad Recipe


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Seller Information
|Pull out the cute Clava Ribbon Mirror in style when you need it. Clava has been designing leather goods for over two decades. Delivering affordable luxury, Clavas selection of leather totes, laptop bags, leather briefcases, womens handbags, wallets and more, are created by combining the natural beauty of leather with the freshest styles. Clava leather bags are destined to become your daytime essential, and while they're stealing glances everywhere they go, they'll also be developing character with each use. The Clava Ribbon Mirror features include: Bridle leather purse mirror Natural colored leather surrounds mirror Bow detail helps slide mirror out of colored pouch For your safety, mirror is not made of glass. Dimensions: 4.75"L x 2.5"W x 0.125"H Weight: 1 lb.
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Brookstone is a nationwide specialty retailer offering an assortment of consumer products that are functional in purpose, distinctive in quality and design and not widely available from other retailers.
Marketplace Guarantee ClaimBuyers should receive Marketplace items in the condition that they were listed. We ask buyers to first contact the seller to give them a chance to address any issues. If the seller does not respond or if the issue is not addressed to the customer's satisfaction buyers can rely on our Rakuten.com Marketplace Guarantee Claim which, covers the first $750 of every purchase... read more
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We want you to be satisfied with every item you purchase from us. If a product purchased from Brookstone does not meet your expectations you may return it with receipt within 30 days of purchase for a refund or within 60 days for a merchandise credit. We will not accept any returns without a receipt...read more
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When you order a Marketplace item, sellers ship items within two business days of the completed order. Shipping times for Marketplace items are as follows:
Standard Shipping: 3 to 9 business daysIf you have any questions regarding your Marketplace shipment we ask that you contact the seller directly. The seller's contact information can be found in the order detail located in your My Account or in the email we send to you confirming the purchase of this order...read more
Expedited Shipping: 2 to 6 business days
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We have rich conversations with our clients every day, and increasingly these conversations are happening online. We encourage you to ask questions, share your views, and connect with like-minded professionals.
The International Annual Review demonstrates our achievements and reflects the insights and expertise professionals bring to client relationships.
KPMG's Global IFRS Institute provides information and resources to help Board and Audit Committee Members, Executives, Management, Stakeholders and Government Representatives gain insight on the evolving global financial reporting framework.
KPMG's global network of climate change and sustainability practices helps you build long-term value in a rapidly changing world.
Mining organizations need to adapt across the mining asset lifecycle, from expansion to closure, as changing economic, political and regulatory environment demand greater flexibility.
The Chemical industry's landscape is changing fast - global companies are developing or launching new products and services – and appear optimistic - setting sights on geographic expansion.
Over the last two decades many industries have changed their value proposition by developing their customers' capacity to create value.
KPMG Global Manufacturing Outlook 2014 surveyed 460 executives worldwide, and offers practical and provocative insights to help organizations evaluate future strategies.
The global job search tool allows you to search available career opportunities within many of our 150 member firms worldwide.
KPMG's International Case Competition (KICC) is a chance for students to challenge yourself to solve a real business issue and an opportunity to meet new people across the globe.
The IASB has today issued the fourth and final version of its new standard on financial instruments accounting – IFRS 9 Financial Instruments. This completes a project that was launched in 2008 in response to the financial crisis.
The new standard includes revised guidance on the classification and measurement of financial assets, including impairment, and supplements the new hedge accounting principles published in 2013.
Chris Spall, KPMG's global IFRS financial instruments leader, said: "The new standard is going to have a massive impact on how banks account for credit losses on their loan portfolios. Provisions for bad debts will be bigger and are likely to be more volatile.
"After long debate about this complex area, it is good that we finally have a complete standard and that the implementation effort can begin in earnest. We had hoped that the IASB and the US FASB could have achieved a single converged solution for banks and other entities globally, but this hasn't been possible. Having different rules under US GAAP and IFRS will mean a lack of comparability for investors between the results of banks reporting under the different frameworks, and increased costs for those banks that have to prepare figures under both accounting frameworks."
Colin Martin, head of KPMG UK assurance services, banking, added: "Adopting the new rules is going to mean a lot of time, effort and money for banks." Martin added: "A major issue for banks and investors in banks will be how adoption of the new standard will affect regulatory capital ratios. Banks will need to factor this into their capital planning and we expect that users will be looking for information on the expected capital impacts."
Insurers will also be significantly impacted by IFRS 9. Joachim Kölschbach, KPMG's global IFRS insurance leader, said: "Insurers have to plan for adopting new standards on both financial instruments and insurance contracts over the next few years. The overall effect cannot be assessed until the insurance standard is finalised over the next 12 months, but we can expect a sea-change in financial reporting for most insurers."
Spall added: "Other corporates should not automatically assume that the impact of the classification and measurement and impairment requirements of the new standard will be small, as it depends on the exposures they have and how they manage them. We expect that planning for IFRS 9 adoption – including implementation of the new hedge accounting requirements published in 2013 – will be an important issue for corporate treasurers and accountants generally."
New expected credit loss model
In the past, concerns have been raised about 'too little, too late' provisioning for loan losses. The new expected credit losses model aims to address these concerns, and accelerates the recognition of losses by requiring provisions to cover both already-incurred losses and some losses expected in the future. Spall said: "The new standard is a step change in accounting for impairment and will give rise to new challenges."
One such challenge is the increased need for judgement. Spall explained: "Estimating impairment is an art, rather than a science. It involves difficult judgements about whether loans will be paid as due – and, if not, how much will be recovered and when. The new model widens the scope of these judgements." A new threshold is applied to determine whether there has been significant increase in credit risk – and this in turn is used to assess whether a loan should have an allowance to cover credit losses expected in the next 12 months, or to cover all expected credit losses over the life of the loan. Spall added: "Preparers will have to make new judgements, auditors will have to review them, and users of financial statements, including prudential and securities regulators, will have to understand them."
Spall encouraged companies, in particular banks, not to delay in assessing the impact of the expected credit loss model on their business: "Credit risk is at the heart of a bank's business and applying the new standard will depend heavily on a bank's credit systems and processes."
Classification and measurement
The final standard clarifies the principles already in IFRS 9 and introduces a new 'fair value through other comprehensive income' measurement category for financial assets. Spall said: "The new category aims to accommodate concerns that the standard did not cater for business models where assets were held both to collect cash flows and for sale – for example, certain liquidity portfolios of banks – and that it would have created accounting mismatches for insurers. However, the amendment means that the classification and measurement requirements of the new standard are at least as complex as the current IAS 39 standard that it will replace."
The standard introduces extensive new disclosures to address the concerns raised by users for transparency. Martin commented: "The new disclosures introduced by IFRS 9 are extensive, and entities – in particular banks – should not underestimate the effort that will be required to apply the new requirements, including having the systems and processes in place to collect data. Entities will need to think through how to incorporate the new information into their financial reporting to make sure that disclosures do not just add volume to the annual report but are part of a clear communication process with investors and other stakeholders. Preparing for the new disclosure requirements should be a key part of transition planning."
The new standard has a mandatory effective date of 1 January 2018 but can be adopted early. As the standard has been completed in stages, the relatively few companies that have adopted previously released versions of IFRS 9 can continue using them until then. In addition, companies can adopt in isolation the part of the standard that would allow them to reflect the effects of changes in credit risk on certain marked-to-market liabilities outside of profit or loss.
Spall commented: "Companies need to think about when they plan to adopt the new standard. Many banks may need the whole three and a half years up to 2018 to prepare for adoption of the expected credit loss requirements. However, the possibility of early adoption of only the 'own credit' amendment would provide some welcome relief from profit or loss volatility caused by fluctuations in a company's own credit risk.
The long lead time to mandatory adoption and the different possibilities for IFRS 9 adoption could mean a protracted but temporary period of diversity. In many jurisdictions, including the European Union, companies will not be able to adopt the new standard until it is legally endorsed or permitted by regulators. Given the significance of the standard to the financial services sector, the road to endorsement may be longer and more winding than usual.
For further information, please contact:
Margot Cowhig
KPMG Corporate Communications
+0207 694 4246
About KPMG
KPMG is a global network of professional firms providing Audit, Tax and Advisory services. We operate in 155 countries and have more than 155,000 people working in member firms around the world. The independent member firms of the KPMG network are affiliated with KPMG International Cooperative ("KPMG International"), a Swiss entity. Each KPMG firm is a legally distinct and separate entity and describes itself as such.
Find news and press releases from across KPMG's global network of firms.
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KPMG International Cooperative ("KPMG International"), a Swiss entity. Member firms of the KPMG network of independent firms are affiliated with KPMG International. KPMG International provides no client services. No member firm has any authority to obligate or bind KPMG International or any other member firm vis-à-vis third parties, nor does KPMG International have any such authority to obligate or bind any member firm. All rights reserved.


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text:
It was a gloomy day and I found myself reading Matthew Arnold. I wanted god and love and knew both to be evanescent, and I also knew (as I've known since adolescence) that both are simply ideas. And so I thought of Matthew Arnold: for the world, which seems to lie before us like a land of dreams, so various, so beautiful, so new, hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light, nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain…
One may go on: Arnold's god was the product of a cartoon where the old testament meets the new testament and creates a granitic and loving deity who can only be envisioned by intense meditation. Thinking of this late in the day encouraged my sadness. Oh the sad retreat of the Sea of Faith; the mordancies of knowing what imagination can and cannot do.
I thought today how Arnold presages Stevens in his tough minded insistence that poetry stands for something.
And in the meantime I played with dogs, wrote a book review about disability and American history, affirmed the rightness of a film under production about autism and poetry, and ate, standing up, half a burrito.
I did not go to the ocean. It was in my head all day.


text:
Secondary menu
I posted a roundup of Peeps dioramas called Heaps of Peeps back in 2007 and Peeps Imitate Life in 2009. There are thousands of Peeps scenes and dioramas to enjoy, but I decided this year to focus on art and literature. Why? Because marshmallow chicks and bunnies can be more than Justin Peeper and The Jersey Peeps: they can be highbrow,... READ ON
Last month, Environmental Graffiti posted some absolutely stunning images of drops of water with gorgeous reflections inside. While we all know just how important clean water is, these images by Mike Keeling show just how beautiful this critical natural resource can... READ ON
The ad above was created by Jenny Burrows and Matt Kappler for their art portfolios. Originally, the logo at the bottom belonged to The Smithsonian. But once Jenny and Matt's work started getting attention online, the Smithsonian folks decided they weren't crazy about the free publicity and asked the artists to take down the ads immediately. Jenny ended up swapping in the generic "Museums" logo seen above.
If you like the Roosevelt/50 Cent ad, be sure to take a quick trip over to Geekosystem to check... READ ON
3eanuts catalogs Peanuts cartoon strips, minus the fourth panel. It's similar in spirit to De-Garfed (in which Garfield's thoughts are removed from the Garfield strip) and other crazy Garfield variants. But in this one, it's about existential aloneness, despair, hopelessness -- pretty rough stuff for a comic strip. Here's what author Daniel Leonard says about it:
Charles Schulz's Peanuts comics often conceal the existential despair of their world with a closing joke at the characters' expense. With... READ ON
Note: This article was originally published in 2009. We're knee deep in server migration this week, so forgive us for reposting a few oldies/goodies.Humans are not the only species to create art. You can argue all day about what is art and what isn't, but some animals are selling their creations, which puts them a notch closer to being true artists than most of us! Here are six different species of professional artists.1. Koopa the... READ ON
How do you visualize the threat of non-organic packaging waste? A giant tentacled monster made of trash is one way to do it. The sculpture was constructed with 40,000 plastic bags, 7,500 plastic cups and an assortment of other trash all collected from around the town of Ljubljana. The tentacles spread throughout the city streets, creating quite a striking piece of artwork with a powerful message.
Of course, I imagine the artist/environmentalists in Slovenia who made this wonderful creation probably... READ ON
Theo Jansen is an artist (technically, a sculptor) who creates strandbeests -- PVC sculptures that operate like simple robots. The strandbeests can walk using wind power, some can dig themselves into the ground when the wind gets too strong, and some can even detect when they touch obstacles or water. Jansen builds them and sets them loose on beaches in Holland, to see how they interact with the environment. His eventual goal is for the strandbeests to become self-sufficient, surviving on their own... READ ON
If you think this is a picture of nachos, you'd be forgiven. That was most certainly the intention of Homaro Cantu when he created the dish. But the apparent chips with hamburger and cheese seen above are actually an elaborate dessert. The chips are actually candy. The beef is chocolate and the highlight of the treat is the mango sorbet that is frozen with liquid nitrogen and shredded to look like cheese. As the patron enjoys the dessert, the sorbet even starts to melt, resembling the melting cheese you'd... READ ON
Werner Herzog's latest documentary is about the Chauvet Cave, which is remarkable primarily for its cave paintings -- dating from the ice age, the paintings are surprisingly detailed, and some show a sort of "painterly" quality. In some cases, this effect is achieved by etching and gouging the cave walls and working with natural contours on the cave walls, so the art interacts with available light (which presumably would have been torches or other fire).
You can't just show up at the Chauvet Cave and... READ ON
Whether prepping for a geeky friend's birthday party, celebrating the release of a film you've been dying to see or as part of a fun wedding reception, movie-themed cakes are always in good taste."These ten creations go beyond fandom and into a whole new realm of cake design mastery.
1. Kung Fu... READ ON
Leonard Maltin's complete review of the 1948 film Isn't It Romantic?: "No."


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Read more: Click here to see the original, longer version of this article
CAN'T live with it, can't live without it. Six weeks after switching off the last of its working reactors, Japan has decided that it can't do without nuclear power after all.
All 50 of the country's reactors - which supplied about 30 per cent of its electricity - were shut down for maintenance and checks in the aftermath of last year's partial meltdown at the Fukushima Daiichi plant.
But with an energy crunch predicted for the summer, Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda gave the Kansai Electric Power Company the go-ahead to restart reactors 3 and 4 at the Oi plant on the west coast of Japan last weekend. They are due to fire up in early July, meaning the country will have been nuke-free for a grand total of 59 days.
The move will bring Japan closer to meeting its targets to cut carbon emissions. In parallel, there are signs of a fresh commitment to renewable energy. Japan's minister of economy, trade and industry this week introduced renewable energy tariffs to force utility companies to buy electricity from solar, wind and geothermal suppliers at preset premiums for at least two decades.
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Cudahy Carolers find heart of holiday, aina hey?
In the best of many wonderful moments in "A Cudahy Caroler Christmas," Alison Mary Forbes makes her appearance as Trixie, a mousy librarian auditioning for Stasch Zielinski's Cudahy choir.
Trixie can't sing a note - until downing half a bottle of mango-peach schnapps. Suitably fortified, the real Trixie moves into a clothes-shucking burlesque routine that liberates her body and unleashes Forbes' amazing voice. Forbes may be singing a sadistic librarian's fantasy about torturing patrons, but her Trixie is also gloriously - and uproariously - free. »Read Full Article(3)
Reunited Violent Femmes to kick off Big Gig with homecoming show
The Violent Femmes' Brian Ritchie and Victor DeLorenzo haven't spoken to each other in five years. But in just a couple of weeks, the Milwaukee musicians, along with Femmes frontman Gordon Gano and longtime touring cajon player John Sparrow, will play music together in front of tens of thousands of people.
The April 13 reunion show at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in Indio, Calif., will be the band's first performance since Oct. 13, 2007. »Read Full Article(13)
Lollapalooza passes sell out; Pitchfork Festival announces full lineup
Well that was fast.
CMT premieres music video from Milwaukee's Trapper Schoepp and the Shades
Fresh off its shows in sunny Austin, Texas during South by Southwest, local Americana act Trapper Schoepp & the Shades is paying tribute to the frozen tundra that is Wisconsin in winter with its new music video. »Read Full Blog Post(1)
Bay View's Palomino closing for remodeling, menu changes
Palomino Bar in Bay View will close after service April 7 for remodeling, and when it reopens an estimated four to six weeks later, it will also have a new menu and new business partners.
Valerie Lucks and Adam Lucks will become partners with owners Leslie Montemurro and Scott Johnson. The four already are partners in Honeypie Cafe in Bay View and Comet Cafe on the east side. »Read Full Blog Post(2)
East Library will temporarily move this summer
Milwaukee Public Library's East Library, 1910 E. North Ave., will be relocated during construction.
The library will move to a temporary site at 2430 N. Murray Ave. some time this summer. »Read Full Article
Organizers cancel Arab World Fest 2013
Milwaukee's Arab World Fest 2013 has been canceled because of conflicts with Ramadan holy observances, organizers have announced.
The festival was also on hiatus for the 2011 and 2012 seasons, but officials say they will continue with plans for the lakefront festival to return in 2014. »Read Full Article(2)
Video: The Concert Corner - Recapping Local Natives and looking ahead at Alt-J
Getting a good dose of deja vu these days. I was fortunate enough to go to Austin, Texas for South by Southwest, where I tried to fit in shows from bands coming through town soon, such as Local Natives. The band made its Milwaukee debut Friday at Riverside Theater a week after wrapping up its SXSW sets. I played a little compare and contrast in my chat with CineStars' Brittany Umar this week. You can also see read my reviews of the Milwaukee show and a SXSW show.
Stacey Williams-Ng featured on Lynda.com
Like a lot of artists, Stacey Williams-Ng says her career for years felt like it had taken a lot of divergent paths. She had been a painter, an illustrator, a graphic designmer, a business manager and a multimedia specialist. Those who know her will tell you that she is, at heart, a storyteller as well.
On Tap Today: CAVE comes to Linneman's
In my opinion, the CAVE show at Linneman's is the place to be tonight.
But forget opinions. Here are a few facts about the Pitchfork-approved instrumental psychedelic band. »Read Full Blog Post


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Hello to you here on Audiko.net! We offer you to download a free Bring Me The Horizon ringtones for your iPhone or mobile. Go for your favorite segment from your favorite masterpiece - Go to Hell, for Heaven's Sake, Diamonds Aren't Forever, Shadow Moses, or any other track. Then download the prepared Bring Me The Horizon ringtones to your cellphone, and enjoy Deathcore music by Bring Me The Horizon every time your phone rings. If you prefer Deathcore or maybe Hardcore and Metalcore music, then you will probably like The Devil Wears Prada, Drop Dead, Gorgeous, or As Blood Runs Black as well. For all who want a free Bring Me The Horizon ringtone, we also recommend listening to Screamo, Death Metal, and British. You can receive your ringtone both in the MP3 and m4a formats, supported by both mobile phones and iPhones. Just select a track, and choose free Bring Me The Horizon ringtones download option.
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Once employed by H.Upmann in Cuba, Evelio Ovieda found new roots in Honduras working in the Plascencia factory where he created this cigar. Named after himself, these Evelios are smooth and creamy. Hints of oak and leather make themselves apparent and are chased by a pleasant, but not overwhelming, spice.
Country of Origin: Honduras
Strength: Full
Wrapper: Ecuador
Binder: Honduran
Filler: Honduran, Nicaraguan


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Plumeria evoke a tropical paradise
CORPUS CHRISTI - Plumeria or frangipani have some of the most beautiful flowers. Not only are there many whites, yellows, pinks, and red colors as well as combinations, but the blossoms are extremely fragrant.
Although they are most famously known as the Hawaiian lei flower, most experts agree that they are not native to Hawaii. The exact origin of plumeria is unknown, but most experts believe they originated in the Central or South America and the Caribbean, and they are prominent in the Pacific islands. Their distribution is most limited to tropical regions by their susceptibility to freezing weather.
Plumeria are easier than you think to grow. The main things you need are a sunny location, good drainage, and protection from cold weather.
Plumeria are sun loving plants. If placed in shady locations, the new growth will stretch toward sunny locations. Stems may also become weak and elongated due to lack of sun.
The next issue is drainage. Without a well-drained soil, you will be inevitably be facing root rot. Although plumeria will grow in a soil-less medium like a potting mix rich in peat moss, they seem to benefit from some mineral soil as well. Combining a rich, loamy soil with potting mix and compost is a good combination. Plumeria growers may have a preferred mix, but you can guarantee that it will have some organic matter and good drainage.
Plumeria are truly tropical plants. Most plumeria aficionados will recommend that they be protected from temperatures below 40 degrees, although some varieties can survive temperatures closer to freezing, the chance of damage to the growing point is what is being avoided. If a plumeria gets too cold, the growing tip turns black and a rot quickly ensues, and works its way back down the stem. If that happens, you may be able to limit the damage if you cut 6-10 inches below the rot.
Some local growers had plumeria that survived the Christmas snow of 2004, but many of those plants did have some damage. Some froze to the ground and a new shoots emerged. Others exposed to the brief snow died. Again, variety is the most important factor in determining cold-hardiness. Those that have a passion for plumeria usually don't take risks, particularly with rare varieties.
The only major disease problem with mature plants tends to be a leaf rust that leaves yellow-orange pustules under the leaves often beginning in mid- to late summer if the plants are overcrowded and don't have good air circulation around the leaves. Removing infected leaves and spraying with a foliar fungicide when you first see it usually gets that under control.
Plumeria are started by both cuttings and seedlings. Cuttings are preferable because they will give you a larger plant faster. Cuttings also are exact genetic duplicates of the parent plant, thus ensuring flower color and plant growth habit. Cuttings also tend to bloom within 1-3 years where seedlings may require five or more years to reach blooming size.
Plumeria flowers may produce seed pods if blossoms are pollinated. The propeller-shaped seed pod may remain on the plant for up to six months after it first appears. The seeds are not mature and ready to germinate until the pods are ready to split open. When that happens, the seeds are quickly distributed by wind. Once the pod starts to split, you may have as little as 30-60 minutes to capture the seeds.
Plumeria cuttings are relatively easy to start. Most cuttings should be approximately 10-14 inches long. Shorter cuttings may root, but are more likely to die if infected by a bacterial or fungal rot. After cutting, treat the cut with sulfur dust to serve as a fungicide and then let the wound callous over for several days before planting. Rooting hormones are often used on the bottom of cutting just prior to planting, and most of those products include a fungicide as well.
Rooted cuttings and plants also range in prices because of variety. Prices will vary from a few dollars for common varieties to a hundred dollars or more for rare cultivars or large plants. Those named simply by flower color like pink, white, or yellow are more affordable than named varieties.
They may be fine for a starter, but plumeria collectors are not afraid to spend the extra money for specific varieties that may have a specific flower color, superior flower size, improved fragrance, or better plant growth habits.
The plumeria society curates the plumeria collection at the South Texas Botanical Gardens & Nature Center and embers will be available after today's seminar to answer questions about plants in the collection. Glenn Stokes, a noted plumeria collector and owner of Stokes Tropicals visited the plumeria collection at our Botanical Gardens last fall and gave it high praise.
Each fall, plumeria at the Gardens are defoliated, then dug and put in dormant storage in a greenhouse from mid-November until the first week of March. Each spring they are replanted around the Willoughby Plumeria Viewing Platform, allowing visitors to experience the fragrance of the blossoms of tall plants.
If you've ever wanted to be transported to a tropical paradise while sitting on your patio, then you should try growing these fun, fragrant plants. Each time you see them bloom and smell the flowers, you can imagine yourself on a tropical island.
Passion for Plumeria
What: Seminar will offer tips on purchasing and raising plumerias.
When: 10 a.m. to noon today
Where: South Texas Botanical Gardens & Nature Center, 8545 S. Staples St.Cost: $6/$3.50 members
Information: 852-2100 or 853-3782
Plumeria sale
What: Plumeria sale
When: 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. July 19
Where: Garden Senior Center, 5325 Greely.
Information: 852-2100 or 853-3782
Tip of the Week
You can help keep mosquito populations down by draining water from plant saucers as well as any other standing water in your yard or garden/landscape.
-Cindy Straub, Master Gardener
Dr. Michael Womack is the executive director of the South Texas Botanical Gardens & Nature Center.
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Need Help? Call us at 1-800-566-8098.
Monday-Friday: 6am-3pm / Saturday: 7am-11am / Sunday: 7am-11am


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The Quake engine is the game engine that was written to power 1996's Quake, written by id Software. It featured true 3D realtime rendering and is now licensed under the GPL. After release it immediately forked, as did the level design. Much of the engine remained in Quake II and Quake III Arena. The Quake engine, like the Doom engine, used Binary space partitioning (BSP). The Quake engine also used Gouraud shading for moving objects, and a static lightmap for nonmoving objects.
We now have the colt ingame along with the awesome hands!
Some models and textures from the PSP Indie video game, Nazi Zombies: Portable.
On this update, Solitude team is back from almost the grave, and shows off that is alive and kicking with new map content and our voice acting job. Texture...
just showing you old models and some new text. Nothing special
One of our media updates, mod is progressing very good and fast :D
New effects and art! Muzzleflashes, no longer will you look like you came from a cartoon!
Important: The current build is for sandbox play only — to let the player grasp the core mechanics of the game before game styles/modes are implemented...
Over the last three months many have worried about Solitude's state, going from weekly updates, to suddenly stopping for three months has certainly been...
Loads of new models, concept art, music and two new members !
Today I'm going to talk about how I've started using Nem's MEGA Terrain Generator to, well generate terrain ! We also have two gameplay videos (Online...
It's been awhile since our last update, this update covers some of the things we have done over the last two months.
The Indie Devs get a sneak peek at a free standalone project for the Playstation Portable and PC. Exclusive interview, screenshots, and video!
Our first public announcement of Ironclad and the progress completed!
Quake Expo 2008 is on and it's hot this year! Visit us, set up a booth or just look around and have fun!
The Latest Patch 2.2 was released at 23.Jan.2008! You need this patch to connect at our server!
Over these past 7-8 years of Gundam Universe's development, it has been a very turbulent experience for myself and the team in the different responsibilities...


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A Julian original since 1984. Stop by for a slice or take a whole pie home while visiting historic Julian California.
Pie Line - 760.765.2472
Hours: Monday-Friday 8am to 5pm
Saturday 8am to 6pm
Sunday 8am to 5:30pm
Same great pie and baked goods. Easy parking. Enjoy outdoor seating with garden and mountain views.
Pie Line - 760.765.2264 Option #1
Hours: Monday-Friday 10am to 4:30pm
Saturday-Sunday 9am to 5:30pm


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Browsing articles in lifestyle
Dog's Life: Lifestyle
How to find the perfect car for your perfect pup
Source: Manufacturers' websites, Edmunds.com, ConsumerReports.org, Caranddriver.com
Dog's Life: Lifestyle
How to find the perfect car for your perfect pup
With a single command, Clutch, an American Bulldog, and Havoc, a Belgian Malinois, jump into the cargo hold of Sandra Mannion's 2009 Honda Pilot, awaiting the surge of the engine and a trip to San Francisco Bay for a nice long swim. "The research was an excruciating process. This is my first new car. Ever. I'm super happy with my Pilot," says Mannion, an Albany, Calif.-based trainer and...
News: Guest Posts
Discovering the thrill of grass and other earthy delights with a guide dog.
Day One If you spend as much time as I do with a dog (the only perk of blindness, eh?), you have the privilege of living a sort of dual citizenship. My yellow Labrador, Nira, and I fly together and go to classes together. We enter supermarkets and museums, amusement parks and churches (those yins and yangs of the spirit). Now, I resolve that henceforth whenever Nira stops to sniff I too shall...
Dog's Life: Green
DIYing it—build your dog an eco-friendly retreat
"Green" isn't just about recycling and planting trees—it's also a way of thinking, of being creative with design, materials and overall aesthetics and ending up with a product that provides a better quality of life. Can you apply green principles when building a shelter for your dog? Of course. Here's one way to do it. First, study your dog. Based on climate, the role you play in each other's...
Dog's Life: Lifestyle
The true renewable resource
I think I've found the solution to our national energy problem. All I know for sure is that I'm in possession of a remarkable renewable resource. What I desperately need is for someone to evaluate my data and then advise me on how to proceed in order to bring the greatest good to the greatest number of Americans. Our collective future could be determined by a yellow Labrador Retriever named...
Dog's Life: Humane
A goal within our reach
Before the recent presidental election, there was talk in the media about the "Bradley effect"—the difference between what voters say to pollsters and the way they mark their ballot in the privacy of the voting booth. As it turned out, in this election, the polls were accurate; people voted for the candidate they publicly supported. The humane movement has been living with its own Bradley effect...
Dog's Life: Lifestyle
Guide dog helps his partner navigate the course
Audi knows he's special. A yellow Lab, nearly white, with a ropy build and a devilish grin, he lives in the rarefied air of Lakewood, Colo., a Denver suburb. If he were a pet, he still would receive plenty of adoration, but Audi doesn't mind being rewarded the same way as these other dogs, despite his higher calling. Audi's a guide dog, and a pleaser. Virtue, he might sniff, is its own reward....
Dog's Life: Lifestyle
Kits make it simple to treat them right.
Have a pup party coming up? For those special occasions (or everyday pleasures), here are more ways to treat your dog well and economically. These companies have taken the worry out of getting it right by assembling dry human-grade ingredients in ready-to-mix packages. Just add liquids, mix and bake. Another handy helper: Cookie cutters come with the biscuit mixes.MAGGIE'S DOG MUNCHIES No wheat,...
Dog's Life: Work of Dogs
Ask the Expert
Q: At the business where I work, I have pleaded with my boss to allow me to bring my dog, arguing that it would make me a better employee. He's generally sympathetic to the idea, but his hesitancy in actually approving my request triggers a question: Do workers have any legal right to have companion pets at work if it makes them more productive or mentally healthier? A: Certainly, if you have an...
News: Guest Posts
Inspired use of the Internet or peer-pressure with a downside?
On the Internet, good ideas (and I guess, lousy ideas, as well) spread like viruses. In the January issue of The Bark, we wrote about how Dogs Trust in the United Kingdom found a home for a shelter dog using only a brief message on Twitter, the social networking service. It was the first Twitter-assisted placement for Dogs Trust, and maybe a first-ever. That was followed in February by a Tweet...
Copyright © 1997-2015 The Bark, Inc. Dog Is My Co-Pilot® is a registered trademark of The Bark, Inc


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Injured in a car accident? Call Richard Mather, Mobile Alabama's Car Wreck Lawyer at (251) 432-2580. Contact Us Today! Our Mobile Alabama auto accident attorney cares about you.Auto Accidents
Big truck accidents happen daily. When big rigs and cars meet in an accident it spells big trouble. We have helped truck accident victims recover millions of dollars in damages ...Truck Accidents
A personal injury is characterized as damage to your body instead of damage to your belongings. Many things cause personal injury today. If you've been injured in an accident, you may need a personal injury attorney.Personal Injury
Personal Injury Attorney, Richard E. Mather in Mobile Alabama helps Accident Victims. With a proven record, our Alabama Injury Lawyer represents victims of truck accidents, car wrecks, wrongful death, dui, personal injury, burns, defective products, motorcycle accidents, and premises accidents. He also helps with workers compensation and social security disability claims.
Every 255 seconds an automobile accident is reported in Alabama. On average, one person is injured every 15 minutes.
If you or someone you know has been involved or killed as the result of an auto accident, contact our office today for a free case evaluation at 251-432-2580. He is your Alabama car wreck lawyer.


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Armenian/middle-eastern restaurant on Greenwich and 7th
- v
- Vijay Prakash Mathur
Many moons ago (25 years or so) I ate at a restaurnt in this area which had wonderful food. A dish called Pitinjin Yarik was my favourite. I would like to know if the placde still exists. The name of the place escapes me.
re: jen kalb
Unless there were two Balkan Armenians, this is not correct. The Balkan Armenian was on E27th Street, I believe, just off Lexington. During its heydey, this area was dense with Armenian restaurants, just as the 70's were with Czech ones.
Pat G.
re: Pat Goldberg
you are both right - the Dardanelles which we used to frequent was in the village and the Balkan Armenian which I think lasted later, was uptown. Sorry for generating more confusion!
I remember shopping at a store called Tashjian in the 1970s - and of course there is still a bit of Armenian influence and product at Kalyustan still, but I guess that is all that remains foodwise of that enclave.
re: jen kalb
I think the name of that place on University was called The Dardanelles. I remember going there once as a kid.
The name of the restaurant was Keneret. I ate there often in the early Seventies. My favorite dish there was also the Pitinkin Yarik, which was a stuffed eggplant. Keneret closed many years ago, unfortunately.


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Brown Rice And Vegetable Risotto
|2 1⁄3 Tablespoon (2 Tablespoons Plus 1 Teaspoon)
|Broccoli florets
|2 Cup (32 tbs)
|Julienned carrots
|1 Cup (16 tbs)
|1 Cup (16 tbs), sliced 1/8 inch thick
|Low sodium chicken stock
|1 1⁄2 Cup (24 tbs)
|Dried oregano
|1⁄2 Teaspoon
|Black pepper
|1⁄2 Teaspoon
|Chopped scallions
|1 1⁄2 Cup (24 tbs)
|Brown rice
|1 Cup (16 tbs)
|Grated parmesan cheese
|1⁄4 Cup (4 tbs)
|Chopped fresh parsley
|1⁄4 Cup (4 tbs)
1. Melt 1 tablespoon of the margarine in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add the broccoli, carrots and parsnips, and cook, stirring, 2 minutes, or until the vegetables are well coated with margarine. Add 1/4 cup of the stock, 1/4 teaspoon of the oregano and 1/4 teaspoon of the pepper, cover and cook 2 minutes more. Stir in the scallions. Remove the pan from the heat, transfer the vegetables to a bowl and cover it loosely to keep warm.
2. Melt the remaining margarine in the skillet over medium-high heat. Add the rice, and saute 2 minutes. Add 3/4 cup of water, the remaining stock, oregano and pepper. Cover the pan, reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer 45 minutes, or until the rice is tender and the liquid is almost completely absorbed. Stir in the vegetables, Parmesan and parsley, and cook, stirring, over medium-high heat 1 minute, or until heated through.


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Student Guide for Policies and Prcedures (13-14)
Complete handbook of the policies and procedures affecting students at Tulane University. Published by the Division of Student Affairs.
Student Organizations Policies and Procedures STUDENT ORGANIZATION RECOGNITION AND REGISTRATION All recognized student organizations must register their organization on an annual basis through the Office of Student Programs (studentprograms.tulane.edu) to reserve rooms, plan and host events, access financial and electronic accounts, and be officially recognized as an active student organization at Tulane. If your organization has not registered, contact Student Programs at firstname.lastname@example.com, (504) 865-5141, LBC Room G11 (Student Organizations Center), or visit: studentprograms.tulane.edu. Student organization recognition is granted through student government organizations or university departments. Contact Student Programs for more information about organization recognition. Only recognized organizations may use the Tulane University name and logos, meet in university facilities, host events and have web space, Blackboard accounts, email accounts or listservs. AMPLIFIED SOUND POLICY DEFINITIONS To maintain the academic environment at the university, the use of amplified sound is moderated. The amplified sound policy is designed to protect instructional and learning activities, administrative offices and academic departments from sound interference during normal business hours. Student organizations which intend to have amplified sound at an event must provide specific information related to amplified sound on their facility or quad request. Amplified sound is defined as any sound that is broadcasted through electronically amplified equipment or sound that is electronically enhanced. GENERAL The use of amplified sound on campus may not interfere with instructional activity or the administrative operation of the university. Such use will only be permitted at specific times, and in specific locations, so as not to conflict with this basic principle. Amplified sound may be used during the following times and in the following locations: Days & Times Locations Monday – Friday: Noon – 1 p.m., 4 – 7 p.m. McAlister Auditorium Front Steps, University Quads/ Fields, Gorson Porch, Pocket Park and Jones Hall Patio Saturday & Sunday: Noon – 10 p.m. McAlister Auditorium Front Steps, University Quads/ Fields, Gorson Porch, Pocket Park and Jones Hall Patio University Holidays: Noon – 10 p.m. McAlister Auditorium Front Steps, University Quads Fields, Gorson Porch, Pocket Park and Jones Hall Patio Student Organizations Policies and Procedures 2013–2014 • 121


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Welcome to telling people what to do.
Not for not trying but it seems there was no chance of this being a fully formed update. Tried and tried but just too many outside, uncontrollable and dare I say it, more important factors at play which have sapped time and sleep. The good news, and there is LOTS of good news today, is that with the time available, I made sure the rest of this update was well and truly up to par... because that's how I motherfucking roll + I'm good to you guys like that.
The other good news is that the first edition of the long-awaited Reader Mail section will return NEXT WEEK. Make sure you swing by because it's going to be a fucking monster and is everything you have been waiting for. Anyway let's start the update with a pile of jokes. Check it...
A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of homemade cookies and a USB drive of his favourite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV. In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says "Hi Baby. I want a divorce".
We live in Australia and my missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats. Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70's appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted "It's okay, mother, you can come down now!"
A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. "Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whines. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick" replies the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid car, you haven't even noticed your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my God!" replies the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
Dave and his new wife had just returned from their honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her" Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "No way!!" his bride retorted "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my mother!"
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could".
"Get this" said a guy to his friends "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house". "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"
Lisa and Frank got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head - he had no arms, legs or torso. So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body. So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever. When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out. When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out. After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body. As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died. The moral of the story: quit while you're a head.
Two cab drivers met. "Hey" asked one "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well" the other responded "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other".
My girlfriend is into some really strange role-play when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 12 years old. I don't get why, she'll be 12 in a couple of years anyway.
The party was going really well and the drinks were flowing freely. A man was getting along very well with an attractive young woman and he asked the host "Do you mind if I use one of your spare bedrooms?" "Not at all, Dave" replied the gracious host "the bedrooms are upstairs, but make sure you use the second one on the left". "Oh, all right..." said the man "Why?" "Tom and your wife are using the first one".
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish". The fisherman looks around and says "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer". *POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves. His partner slaps him on the chest and says "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
UnsexifiedThis Is What Really Happens During A Hollywood Sex Scene - Just CruelInsane Egyptian Tv Show Pranks Paris Hilton Into Thinking Her Plane's Going To Crash - OITNB GirlsTop 10 Hot Actresses On "Orange Is The New Black" - Much PainGuy Sees What It's Like To Wear High Heels For An Entire Day—Turns Out It's Incredibly Painful - Boner PrankA Bunch Of Bikini Models Have To Deal With A Production Assistant Sporting A Very Obvious Boner. They Have No Idea Where To Look! - Original Plan'The Pearl Of The Costa Grande' – Two Friends Get Caught Up In A Comically Dark Bank Robbery - Outdoor SexAllie Haze Gets Shafted In An Outdoor Shower - Want ThisSkye West And Trisha Parks Naked Threeway Fuck - Lela StarLela Star Seduces With Her Massive Boot - Creepy?This Kid Has Crazy Sleight Of Hand Skills And Is Also, Strangely, Creepy As Fuck.
Rick & MortyJoin Rick And Morty On Four Retro-Tastic Point-And-Click Adventures Made By Developers With Very Little Time And Even Less Monsssssssssssssssey. - StrikeforceCommand Your Elite Squads Of Soldiers In The Sequel To The Hugely Popular Strike Force Heroes Series. - PokiesNatalie Portman Sweet Pokies While Strolling Along - VoluptuousValory Irene's Is A True Work Of Art. That's All You Need To Know. - Comin' DownTop 20 Comedown Pics From Glastonbury In The History Of Comedown Pics - Stoned CuntThey're Putting THC Into Almost Anything These Days. Everything From Soda To Body Lotion. What I Want To Know Is How Bad Are The Munchies? - Sharp Shot18 Year Old May Be One Of The Most Badass Sharp Shooters Around - Double-ASome Girls Don't Want Cock... Anywhere But Deeeeep Inside Their Butt... - Slut CopThis Cop Can Fuck Me Anytime She Wants - WreckedMan Flips His Jeep Off-roading And Snaps His Neck
CoolnessTen Gen Is A Fast Paced Number Puzzle Board Game With Unique Gameplay For The Fast Thinking Person In You. - SickeningSomewhere Between China And Insanity, There Is Japan. A Magical Land Where All Your Wildest Nightmares Probably Have A Porn Series. - Eat PussyThese Guys Were Lucky To Witness One Girl Licking Out Another Girl On A Public Bus. This Is Huge Win. - Pls ExplainVery, Very Long Dildo Removed From An Ass Would Have Been Very, Very Hard To Explain - Prego TitsKim Kardashian's Pregnant Shirt Reveals Those Awesome Jubblie - Got A Smoke?She Just Wants A Smoke. And To Let Her Tits Breathe I Guess. Is That So Wrong? - RidiculousI Would Definitely Be Asking For My Money Back. Those Things Are Ridiculous!! - PatheticObese Woman Got Held Inside A Chicken Shop After Stealing A Gamebo - PainalWell Gee... That's Must Be A Real Literal Pain In The Ass - Ga-BoobLady Gaga Pops Out A Boob Picking Up A Pizza - Miss JulyKayla Rae Reid Is Playboy's Miss July 2015 And There Is No Guessing How She Got That Gig!
So, I walk in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. I shout "Fuck, seriously?" "I was going to eat that later, now it's just going to taste like salad".
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy. A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down". The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy".
Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking". The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "No, sir" the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight". "Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?" "We're both alcoholics" says the drunk. "We're on the patch".
Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?". Little Johnny says "Grandma has a shrimpy"! His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a WHAT?" Johnny says "A shrimpy!" His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come show me what you're talking about". Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother "Look mummy, Grandma has a shrimpy". He points to her vagina. His mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not a shrimpy. That's her vagina". Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy".
-I have no problem with squat toilets, they're fine and, but sometimes things are just weird. In China and Cuba some public conveniences had no doors, no cubicles, no privacy. Squatting over a channel with a toilet attendant tapping me on the head wanting payment for using her facilities was a new and interesting experience. Or there was the pig toilet in an undeveloped part of Goa - a hole in the floor with a porcine snout a few feet from your nether regions. I know it's recycling, but it was a little unnerving.
-My girlfriend and I decided to go from DC to Chicago for Christmas via Amtrak, about a 12 hour trip. The train kept stopping then moving for a bit at a time in the middle of nowhere until eventually we were told the tracks were frozen. The heat went out, the toilets backed up, and the train ran out of food before we finally rolled into Chicago after almost 30 hours.
-When I checked in I noticed plaster had fallen from the ceiling onto the bed and the floor, so they moved me to a new room. One evening I came and found my door wide open, no housekeepers around. My gold necklace and laptop computer were out in plain sight on the desk. A colleague saw a mouse in her room. The air-conditioning could not keep up with the heat so they turned off the air in public spaces like lobbies and hallways, which meant that the doors swelled from the humidity and had to be forced open. The final straw was when I picked up the third quarter of my club sandwich and found a dead cockroach on my plate. This was all in one week at one hotel in Virginia!
-After a week-long trip to Cuba, I was at the airport waiting to board my flight back. A flight attendant accidentally opened one of the doors early and the inflatable slide expanded. We all laughed until we realised the ramifications. As a result of the 'oops moment,' we were stranded at the airport an extra day. The airline actually had to fly in an engineer to fix it. Hanging out in an airport in Cuba with armed guards everywhere for many hour wasn't fun.
-Berlin in the height of summer. Connecting flight cancelled on the runway, so I missed the international departure from Frankfurt to Tokyo. The big problem was the large selection of European cheeses I had placed in the suitcase, which was sent to who knows where. When we were finally reunited the hard cheeses were soft and the soft cheeses were liquid. And the stench accomplished the almost impossible task of completely overwhelming my week's collection of used socks.
-There was that time we had a few hours to wait in the middle of the night at Chennai train station. People were sleeping all over the platforms with rats creeping between the bags and bodies. I stood up the whole time.
-One day, in Northern Israel, the bus stopped at a beach to take a break. Just as we got down to the water, a big wave came in... and brought with it oodles of jellyfish. One big blueish-purple jelly slapped a boy right across the chest as the wave crashed into him. Almost everyone got stung. As it turned out, the jellyfish weren't poisonous, but their stings burned and itched unbelievably.
-Thailand for our honeymoon, hubby got stopped at Heathrow security as he was deemed to be causing offence to other passengers. His crime? Wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a Lego Han Solo and the words "Don't get Cocky!" We never found out what element caused offence but whatever it was he had to wear his t-shirt inside out while in the terminal.
-Stayed one time at the Water Club hotel in Atlantic City. Checked out two days early and came home because horrible service, threats by staff was just too much. Awful! The final threat was that the bar manager was going to beat me up for not tipping on their poor service.
-Trekking in the Himalayas and finding the mountain side had recently been taken out by a huge land slide, a week's walk back down, or we cross. Picking our way across deep, sticky mud praying it won't all start moving again wasn't nice. Despite that, and a couple of nearby avalanches, trekking in Nepal is actually one of my best experiences ever.
-Australian traveller, Erin Langworthy, was bungee jumping off the Victoria Falls Bridge while visiting Zambia when the cord snapped and she plunged 111 meters (364 ft) into crocodile-infested waters below. She was swept down the swollen river, her feet still bound together by 10 meters (30 ft) of rope, and spent 40 minutes in the water, until she finally managed to grab onto some rocks and be plucked to safety bungee employees. It was more than 5 hours between jumping and reaching hospital Despite her lungs being partially collapsed and covered in bruises, she didn't suffer any serious injuries and returned home two weeks later. She had been the 106th person to jump that day.
-On a recent flight from Jacksonville to Newark, I was seated directly across from a very ill woman. This wasn't simple motion sickness either. She was using her complimentary 'bag' before we even began taxiing. The flight attendants asked her if she wanted to deplane but she insisted on staying... and continued to get sick for the entire flight, shaking and lying across three seats. Eventually, the attendants just gave her an industrial-sized black garbage bag. Yuck.
-On a vacation in Key West, my family rented a pontoon boat and sailed out to spend the day at a sand bar. Eventually it was time to sail back and everyone piled into the front of the boat. After a little while, we realised that the boat was moving slowly so we shut the engine off to restart and the whole boat started to tip over - like the front end was completely submerged and the motor was 3 feet out of the water. We all ran to the back, but the water just kept pouring in the front. We started panicking and tried to get the water out whichever way we could. After we'd given up all hope of staying afloat, we realised that the anchor had fallen off the front of the boat... and we were dragging it through miles and miles of endangered coral reef.
-My worst flight was on a trip from Dublin to London. Out of nowhere, the plane took a nose dive... for about eight seconds! I know it doesn't seem like that long, but seriously, count for eight seconds. That's a long nose dive. Passengers started screaming, luggage went flying out of the overhead bins and the lights went out. So scary! I really thought the plane was going to crash.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal "Let me ask him some questions". The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs..."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets".
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants".
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied "Bubble gum". Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands".
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck". The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..."
Is it in?
That's it?
You've got to be kidding me.
(phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you?
Do I have to pay for this?
Do I have to call you tomorrow?
Oh momma, momma!
Oh dadda, dadda!
You look better in the dark.
This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
I thought that goes in the other hole...
Don't tell my husband/wife.
You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
This sucks.
Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
I think you might get the job for this.
Damn! Is that all you know how to do?
Did I tell you I have herpes?
Now we must get married.
Hurry up, the game's about to start.
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
Are you trying to be funny?
Can I have a ride home after this?
Are those real?
By the way, I want to break up.
Is that smell coming from you?
Haven't you ever done this before?
Wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
You're so much like your sister...
Your mom's cute.
What's your name again?
Do I have to be here in the morning?
A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
But you just started!
You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
Don't touch that!
Can we order a pizza?
I think my dad is listening at the door.
Smile for the camera, honey!
Take off that damn monkey glove!
Get your hand out of there!
I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
I knew you wore a padded bra!
Cover me boys, I'm going in!
Fire one!
God, that is small!
Hold on, let me change the channel...
Who smells like fish?
Is it OK if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
Your best friend does it much better.
Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
Hurry up, the motors running.
You're fogging up the wind shield.
Can I borrow 5 bucks?
What the hell noise was that?!
Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
You know, you're not really attractive.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
What, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!
Stop interrupting me!
I have to take a shit.
Did I leave the iron on?
Your breath is funky.
(start singing Green Day)
Is it OK if I call someone, its OK though, keep going...
Its OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.
God I wish you were a real woman.
Why can't you ever shave your legs?
By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog...
Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... Shit.
Your breast milk is like my mom's...
You're hairy!
Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
Is it OK if I never see you again?
Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
Don't make that face at me!
All of a sudden I have a headache.
You're boring.
I like your tits.
Suck my dick, bitch.
How much do I owe you?
How come we each have a penis?
Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
Just use your finger, its bigger.
Does your family have to watch?
We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
Get off me, I'll do it myself!
Can you hold this sandwich for me?
You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
My mom taught me this...
How cute... Peach fuzz!
Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
Should I ask why you're bleeding?
This is my pet rat, Larry...
If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
I was once a woman...
Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!
Is it OK if I tell my friends about this?
I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
You wanted me to use a condom?
You're no better than my brother!
Fire in the hole!
I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
OK start... Oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE?!
You ever see Basic Instinct?
I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
You got boogies showing.
(start reciting the 10 Commandments)
I think I just shit on your bed.
Of course I don't love you.
Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.
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-On a recent flight to Phoenix I scored an upgrade but to a middle seat. As I approached my seat I was shocked to see the woman in the window seat had a toddler and a golden retriever. The dog took up from the wall to the far edge of my seat. He was a service dog and I understand they have to carry him, but I'm not sure it was appropriate to take away my floor space to do it. The woman saw my look of shock and said "Just put your feet on him, he won't mind". You know, because he was the only one that might mind this arrangement for 4 and a half hours.
-British tourist Rochelle Harris was on a flight back from a holiday in Peru in 2013 when she began experiencing a powerful headache and shooting pains in her face. She also began hearing strange scratching noises and had a discharge from her ear. On returning home, 27-year-old Harris paid a visit to a doctor who soon discovered eight maggots wriggling around inside her ear canal. She remembered walking through a swarm of flies while hiking on her vacation and one had been buzzing in her ear, but once she waved the fly away, she thought nothing more of it. The insect was a "new world screw-worm fly" which generally lay their larvae in the wounds of warm-blooded animals. Once they hatched 24 hours later, the maggots chewed a 12-millimetre (half inch) hole in the ear canal.
-The absolute worst happened in Dominica, when I woke up at 4am to see an intruder climbing out the window right next to my side of the bed. He had taken a ladder and broken into our second-floor room while we were sleeping. He must have been in the room for a little while because he had walked all the way around our bed and rooted through our clothes until he found our wallets.
-There was the time I was alone, separated from my dive group, not a boat in site, while scuba diving a ship wreck off Townsville, in an area known for tiger sharks. Seriously terrifying!
-We were in Denver and one of the guys we were traveling with woke up in the middle of the night with a strange, drunk man passed out next to him. Turns out, the guy had forgotten both his key and his room number. When the intoxicated man went to the night clerk to sort things out, he blurted out any number he could think of "and the front desk just gave him a key, no questions asked!"
-There was the rat as big as a Labrador puppy that once wandered through the restaurant in which we were eating in Sri Lanka. "Don't worry, all restaurants have rats, sir" said the proprietor. He was probably right.
-I had the delayed flight horror on one trip from Denver to Ottawa via Chicago. I was squeezed into the middle seat between two football-player-sized fellows who smelled of garlic and last night's beer. We sat on the tarmac for five hours. They wouldn't let us off the plane, would not serve food, or let us stand or go to the bathroom as we were waiting for permission to take off - and the air-conditioning didn't work! The two fellows on either side turned into a bath of sweat. The plane took off, and took a very long flight detour to the south as there were storms in our path. The hot food had long since cooled off. The cold drinks were warm, and the staff finally decided they couldn't serve the food as it was not suitable to eat. Of course, any connecting flights were non-existent on our arrival in Chicago, many hours late. And at the baggage counter, they advised that they couldn't find the luggage of anyone on the whole plane.
-I had THE bag stolen at the airport when we were emigrating. The one with the paperwork, cameras, photos, jewellery and insurance info. It was horrible, very traumatic, it still upsets me now to know that somebody just took my valuables and threw all my family photos in the bin.
-Smudges on white sheets are never a welcome sight, so imagine my horror when I came into my room one evening and found dark, brown-coloured stains wiped on the lower portion of my pillow and the sheets of my turned-down bed. I dared not approach, since there was nothing else in sight to suggest their nature. And yes, I thought the worst - so many people use the same sheets in a hotel that stains could go unchecked. The front desk sent a member of the cleaning staff to investigate. Soon, they uncovered a half-eaten chocolate bar stuffed under the covers.
-Finding a rat curled up on my bed. Worse - this was three days into the trip and they found out later that he had been living in that room for more than a few days!
-I once saw live rabbits being skinned for the pot in a market in China. I can cope with most things, but that had me in tears. I know worse things happen, but I'm a bunny hugger.
-How about the time I was doing sit ups in my hotel room in Chicago. I looked up and found a used condom stuck to the underside of the bed. Immediately called the front desk, which sent up a young guy with rubber gloves to remove the thing. I guess that's what I get for not going to the gym.
-I was traveling from Salt Lake City to Atlanta on a Delta 767. We were on our take-off roll when the pilot jammed on the brakes and brought the whole proceedings to a halt. As we taxied off the runway, the pilot informed us that an engine warning light had illuminated and he had to abort. Back at the gate, the maintenance crew did their inspection and could find nothing wrong with the engine. Maintenance called HQ in Atlanta whose response was to not worry and send the flight on its way. Everyone had a death grip on the armrests when we started down the runway for a second time. Fortunately we flew off without a problem however it took a day or two for my blood pressure to get back to normal.
-Having to eat food to be polite is hard sometimes. Meeting a family of nomads in Mongolia was an incredible experience but I have a strong aversion to milk which made sipping mares milk tea, complete with flecks of blood, pretty unpleasant. The homemade biscuits that came with the tea were good, if full of horse hair. But we were perfect guests, we did what we had to do and smiled politely.
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My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement "You appear quite elderly to be driving". "Well, yes, I am" she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore".
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
'You won't need this anymore' so I thanked him and left!"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much".
The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied "but my cucumbers are enormous".
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says "Who the hell was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress". "Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours".
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Fred?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier!" she replies.
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says "No, I probably wouldn't".
The guy says "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied "Because you're in a hardware store..."
So here we are...
-Check out the site archives. They'll make you wetter than a fat chick on her way to a buffet.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Again READER MAIL WILL BE BACK NEXT THURSDAY.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will oppose in the strongest possible terms literally everything you say.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and grant me sleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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