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Monday, April 18, 2011 at 9:16 PM
Motherhood Mondays: On having a boy
My darlings, sorry for the late post today! I've been thinking about this one all day, and finally had a chance to write it out.
So, I'd love to ask: When you think of having children, do you ever secretly hope for a boy or a girl? Even though people don't really talk about it, I actually think it's really common to wish for one or the other.
When you're pregnant, the most important thing on your mind, of course, is having a healthy baby. Anyone who is given that gift is blessed beyond belief. I definitely did not take that for granted and felt hugely lucky to be having a baby.
But also, in my heart of hearts, when we found out we were going to have a baby, I secretly hoped that we would have a girl. I had always imagined having a daughter and doing all those fun girly things together--playing with dolls, going to ballet lessons, having heart-to-heart mother/daughter conversations, and doing all the classic (and cliched) things that are part of girlhood. I loved being a girl (and am really close to my own mom); and thought it would be such fun to raise one.
So when we found out that we were expecting a boy, I was so excited and couldn't wait to meet the little man. But part of me couldn't help secretly feeling a little disappointed. I felt really guilty for feeling that way (was I a terrible person? the gender shouldn't matter as long as the baby is healthy, right?), but the feeling remained. I had always pictured having a daughter...and now we weren't.
Plus, I kept thinking about how didn't know a single thing about boy stuff. The guys in my family are really male--they all are obsessed with motorcycles and pranks and windsurfing and whisky. Would Alex and our baby bond over sports, while I wouldn't be able to share that with them, I wondered? When we were growing up, my brother and dad talked endlessly about motorcycle parts and car racing; what if my baby boy wanted to talk about cars? I didn't know a thing about them--or care! And I'm a wuss about rollercoasters and swimming in the ocean and those types of boy-ish rough-and-tumble activities. What if he were into those things? Would I be the lame mom sitting nervously on the bench while my son bonded with all the more adventurous types?
I really worried that I wouldn't be able to connect to a boy...or, more aptly, that he wouldn't connect to me.
But then.
Toby arrived.
Once the doctor put my red-faced, wrinkly, sweet, beautiful baby boy into my arms, EVERYTHING changed.
I can tell you with all my heart, now that Toby has entered our lives, it is the most incredible, moony experience, and now I CANNOT imagine having anything other than my delicious baby boy. When he was brand new, he was so tiny, vulnerable and sweet. When I breastfed him, and he'd snuggle up and put his little hand on my chest and look into my eyes, I would just swoon.
Now that he's eleven months old, he is so lovely and has such a sweet, open demeanor. He giggles, he coos, he stands on full tippy-toe. He touches my face with serious concentration. He loves reading books and eating pears and looking out the window. Sometimes when he's asleep at night, I'll tiptoe into the nursery just to lean down and put my head near his; I love seeing his out-of-proportion body sleeping there: his big head, small shoulders, big diaper butt, and short legs. I pat his back and smell his sweet milky breath. I am totally enamored and enchanted by him. He is my little man, my lovely little boy.
Having a son has turned out to be the most amazing thing, and my apprehensions and fears seem so silly now. I'm so excited to bring him up, and previously boring things like baseball and water pistols are suddenly super thrilling, since I see them through his sweet little eyes. The other day, I was riding my bike downtown and saw a dinosaur-shaped balloon and couldn't stop thinking about how cool it was. :)
Oh, how Toby has opened my eyes!
Anyway, I thought I'd tell you, my sweet readers, since people don't often talk about their preferences for a boy or a girl (it seems like it shouldn't matter) but I think it's very normal to initially crave one over the other. And I wanted to be honest and share how needlessly worried I had been. I'm curious: Do you secretly hope for a boy or girl? How have your thoughts changed, if you've had a baby? I'm so curious to hear -- from everyone from mamas and mamas-to-be! Leave your comment anonymously, if you'd like!
(Photo credit unknown, via Abby Sharp)
587 comments:
1 – 200 of 587 Newer› Newest»- Sunny Rising Leather said...
Jo, this is so beautiful and honest.
My husband and I have begun talking about babies lately, and I was always in the 'girl' camp, but seeing a wonderful girlfriend of mine with her now 4 year old son and watching him grow from the sidelines, I can honestly say I'd be happy either way :)
Allison - 9:21 PM
- Jessica Tremp said...
You've made me far less worried about what gender my future child will be. thank you
x - 9:23 PM
I was really worried about having a boy, too. Now I am head over heals about my little guy!
- sarah nicole said...
Awwww, so sweet!
I used to secretly hope for a girl (one day). And I think, like you said, it's because that's what I know. That' s what I understand. But when I think about having a son, especially a grown son, that I can raise to be respectful and compassionate, I get all teary. : ) I would be happy with either.
Lovely post.
Sarah - 9:25 PM
- Whitney said...
i love how honest this post is!
- lori said...
i did not want to have a boy. i had terrible experiences with the men in my family as a girl, and the boys i knew as an adult were rowdy and mean and broke everything in sight. my first two kids were girls, and *whew.* near the end of my 3rd pregnancy, i needed and ultrasound and there it was....a boy.
and poof all the rest disappeared as i smacked my forehead: he'd be my boy! i'd raise him, he'd be a good man, a kind man some day. my boy, not those boys.
and to the first commenter: my son is gay, and i loved him the day before he came out, and i loved him the day he came out, and i've loved him all the days since.
AND: he's a good and kind man. - 9:27 PM
- Joanna Goddard said...
oh my goodness, lori, your comment made me tear up! that is so beautiful.
Lori, that is beautiful.
I nannied for a family that had a girl and a boy. I baby-sat for them before the arrival of the baby boy and was their full-time nanny once the baby arrived- from the time he was 2 months old until he was a year and a half. I was ambivalent about either sex and babies in general and now I can not wait to have a baby boy. I know this is not kosher, but I will be so disappointed if I have girls. Thanks for the post.
- Elisa said...
I love your honesty! When I was growing up I always wanted to have a baby girl, to play dress up, dress her all in pink, etc. plus I grew up with two sisters and knew nothing about growing up with boys, but then I had my first nephew and HE was so much fun then my second nephew and third nephew were born that I thought , "ok I wouldn't mind one day having a boy of my own". When I got pregnant, Hubby wanted a boy and I think he was initially disappointed when the nurse told him we were having a girl, but now, WE can't imagine our life without our sweeet Isabela!
PS. WOW Toby is already 11 months old? I remember when he was just born! - 9:29 PM
- Cath said...
This was a lovely read... thank you for sharing your honesty and beautiful insight into how "officially" meeting your boy Toby ultimately shifted your perspective on all things. I think that's an important aspect to note. When the day comes to adopt a child, my husband and I are open to any gender, any race (or any sexual orientation... what was that person's comment all about?! My gosh!). Which further extends the conversation on our animalistic or human ability to fully bond with and love any child that enters our lives. I believe with every ounce of my being that any child that enters our lives gives us the possibility to expand love. Yay for love... YAY!
- Jessica said...
Awesome article...thanks so much for sharing.
Gah, I'm nervous about even having a child! I'm 29 and I'm feeling pulled in either direction....have a baby, don't have a baby...shouldn't the biological clock be ringing itself silly by now?!
But, I do sometimes dream that I have a baby, and it's ALWAYS a boy:) Premonition, perhaps? - 9:31 PM
- Katie D said...
I have always silently wanted a baby girl. I don't have any children (yet), but this reinforces - what I think I always knew - it really doesn't matter either way :)
I don't mean to be too personal, but do you think you will ever try for another baby, perhaps a baby girl? - 9:31 PM
And the best part is your little guy will be an individual!
Like me- the car obsessed, non-makeup wearing, varsity sport playing girl. (I wasn't what my mom was expecting, but she supports the heck out me.)
Yay kids! - 9:31 PM
- Emma said...
I secretly want a gaggle of girls, but then I think oh my poor husband! Plus I really want a 'big brother' protector so a boy first would be nice. I think a gaggle of boys could be quite charming though, especially as we live on a farm and I know my fiance would just DIE for boys to take around on the motorbike to check the sheep etc. Although he'd do that with girls too. A mini-version of my fiance is very appealing though, mini-farmer!
- Hilary Nicole said...
This is so beautiful and true. I have heard from numerous others at a previous daycare I worked at in high school how nothing else mattered when their son/daughter was born. I cannot wait to feel the unconditional endless love when the day comes.
-<3 Hilary - 9:33 PM
- Elissa said...
I had hoped for a little girl because I knew I would be bringing the baby up mostly on my own, and I got my little girl. I wasn't worried that if I had a boy that we wouldn't be able to bond, I grew up with an older brother and I get along better with boys than with girls anyway. I know I would have been happy either way, the suspense of knowing what my baby would be was killing me! The urge to know was stronger than the want of a little girl, but she is the sweetest thing on Earth. If I ever have more children I want the next one to be boy
- Joanna Goddard said...
yes, anonymous, that is a great point!! xo
- Joanna Goddard said...
katie, yes! we definitely want another baby -- and i would be thrilled with either a boy or a girl!
- spark said...
I have a newborn little girl. All through my pregnancy I had the instinct I was having a girl however everyone thought I was having a boy. I was keen to have a boy as I had done a lot of work with male adolescents and was aware of all the positives and advantages of having a boy. My husband coming from a very male dominated family was very keen to have a boy. In his words, girls confused him and a couple of our friends had very precocious children who were girls. However the moment my husband and I saw our baby girl we "recognised" her. It was a feeling of "of course it is you". Now all my husband and I can see is the advantages and loveliness of having a girl. I do think you fall in love with whoever you give birth to and all sorts of wonderful possibilities reveal themselves.
- jora said...
Joanna, this was such an awesome post! No one ever talks about this openly. For some reason, I wanted a boy first go around (most moms want the girl it seems?), which is what I got (then 2 girls which was perfect!), but I have a couple of friends who really had to mourn the whole never getting a girl situation. Having had both now, I can say that the bond between mother and son is very, very special and I actually feel sorry for moms who don't get to experience that. I know that feeling that you described of having Toby touch your face with serious concentration. You are his first love! :-)
- Meg Brothers said...
thanks so much for posting this. i am pregnant and due with my first child in mid June. we have chosen to not find out the gender of the baby before the birth. and to be totally honest, i cannot imagine anything other than a girl. i grew up in a house of all girls, and my mom grew up in a house of all girls, so boys are so very foreign that it's hard to imagine myself with one. being pregnant has me feeling so connected to this baby and i truly can't wait to meet him/her. this post helps all the more with what having a boy can be like. thanks for the honesty. oxo
I loved reading this precisely because I had the exact opposite experience of you--I'd always imagined having a boy, imagined all my kids to be boys... and our first turned out to be a girl. But yes, as soon as I met her, I fell in love, and I can't imagine anything holding a candle to being her mother. I love everything that comes with the territory of being a mother of a girl (crossing my fingers for no cat-fights). We're now expecting our second and we recently found out that we are having another girl! I am so excited. What a surprise to end up with the opposite of my prior expectations, but what a blessing, too!
Thank you, Joanna for being so honest. i never wanted a boy. I was very close with my mom and felt that I would never be that way with a boy - maybe that he wouldn't love me? Now that I have a boy, I love him to death. I think that when you see that little person who is dependent on you, you love him beyond measure. And as you say, you see the world through your child's eyes and everything changes.
- Jocelyn said...
I do *secretly* wish for a girl but, when I think about it, I just want something cute, no matter the gender. Though I'm guessing I'll love whatever baby I have someday.
Playing It Cooley - 9:36 PM
- Deanna (Silly Goose Farm) said...
I love my mom so much, but she just isn't very sympathetic or empathetic (or at least she wasn't when I was growing up). She's a great mom, but whenever I was feeling bad, she'd kind of tell me to just "suck it up" a bit to quickly. I was worried I'd be the same if I had a daughter. I had a "surprise" pregnancy the first go 'round, and so I was already very troubled by having a child earlier than I had hoped. I had hoped for a boy thinking that they wouldn't need as much "emotional" support. Then I found out I was having a girl. I was upset initially, but then like you, got really excited for all I could offer her. Just over a year later, I had a boy (I had kind of hoped for another girl, but knew "in my gut" I was having a boy), and I love them both SO MUCH it makes my heart feel like it's going to explode. Funny thing is, even though my kids are little (2 and 1), my daughter is more feisty and independent and my son is more of the emotional/lover! Oh, what we think, and then what reality is are sometimes SO different!
- Dancing Branflake said...
I love this post so much! I have always wanted a boy because my husband is such the perfect man that I want him to teach our son everything he knows. I almost feel like my main contribution to the world would be my husband's son.
- Joanna Goddard said...
i totally agree, deanna! that's so fascinating about your two little ones. xo and aw,, that is so, so sweet, dancing branflake :)
Thank you for being so honest about this. :) And just thing, you have the wonderful task of guiding him towards being the kind, compassionate, sensitive man he can be.
I have a brother and although he is close with both of my parents he is much more bonded with my mother. Although he has more of a penchant for rough and tumble things than I do, he is also sweet and gentle and has heart-to-hearts with my mom over tea. So I'm sure you won't miss out on all of those experiences you daydreamed of (and could there possibly still be a little girl in your future ;) My brother even played with my Barbies more than I did... although they were usually getting massacred by GI Joe... - 9:39 PM
i want my child to be happy and feel fulfilled. I hope I can accept a boy or a girl, heterosexual or gay. I want to love and support my child whoever they are. thank you for this post.
- Hello. I'm Laura said...
What a beautiful post! I started reading your blog when you were engaged, and I've loved reading about your wedding, pregnancy and now your beautiful son! I'm with the man I hope to marry (almost 5 years, no ring yet) - and I often think about our future family. I have always wanted a girl (Claire - brown haired, curly - super girly) and I sometimes imagine "What if I have a boy?!" But then I think about my brother and how important he was to me as a child and how close we've become as adults (he's 4 1/2 years younger). I remember how adorable he was as a child and how much I loved him - and that makes me feel better about having a boy (Vincent). This was a beautiful post and so was your birth story (I actually read it again and I never do that!)
So...no plans for another some time down the road? - 9:41 PM
- Giulia said...
My hubby really wanted a girl, he was worried a boy would be too competitive towards his dad. Our first was a girl our second a boy - each one of them as sweet and special as can be. Only a child can let you have this endless amount of love - boy or girl, we just love them and nothing will ever change that.
- Blue Is Bleu said...
I've never made it a secret that I would love a girl if we fell pregnant. I have two sisters and mostly girl cousins, so I don't know too much about boy stuff. BUT I know that whatever we have is what we were meant to have, and I won't have a second thought about my preference!
- Judi said...
This was so honest and true! Blogs, especially ones that deal with kids and family, always seems so perfect, without normal worries and fears that I'm sure moms and moms-to-be face. I really appreciate your honesty!
Also, I love your response to the first commentor. I don't know if she insinuated that having a gay son is like having a daughter, but it is most definitely not! - 9:42 PM
- Marie-Luise said...
oh jo, having children is something i definitely want to have the blessing to experience one day, but right now seems like such a huge and crazy task. thanks for getting me excited for my future :)
and also, only *sometimes* being a girly girl, i would love to have boys i can raise into decent and respectful men that treat women just how they need to be treated and will one day be great fathers.
your words show so much of your love for your beautiful boy and how much potential he has. all my love. x - 9:42 PM
I felt the EXACT same way as you!! I secretly hoped for a girl and worried about not connecting w/ a boy. And now, I wouldn't want anything else but my little man! And you will connect with him sooo much....you'll learn all your truck names and cars and sports and all of it!! I agree....I felt silly and I love love love my little boy with all my being! Thanks for such a heartfelt post b/c I know I feel the same way!
- PoetessWug said...
We don't have children, but we always said that if we had any, we'd want a girl...or girls! We even had a name picked out. I wonder if I would have felt the way you do if a little boy had actually come along instead!! :-)
- Jacob, Julie & Naomi said...
When my husband and I first found out we were pregnant, I desperately wanted to have a girl, but that was because there are NO girls in my family besides me. When I was born, I was the first girl born on my father's side of the family in 83 years. And I have 4 brothers, only boy cousins on that side, and 3 nephews--no nieces. So I was ecstatic when we found out we were having a girl!
We just found out we're pregnant again, and this time, we are both hoping for a boy. We want our daughter to have a brother close enough in age that he can watch out for her & protect her. I would have wanted to have a boy first so that he could be a protective older brother, if I hadn't been so desperate to add a girl to the family! :) - 9:44 PM
- Clare Frejd said...
This post is so timely! Just found out we're having a boy and I had a few moments of disappointment...for not being able to sew little dresses and pass on my dolls and ballet and all those others little girl things. Good to know that this is a normal feeling and already moving on to excitement at meeting our little guy :)
- MsK said...
This is one of my favorite posts by you yet. I am having a baby boy (any day now) and have been thinking about how little I know about boy stuff and this has helped me relax a little. I did think we were having a girl at first and naturally really wanted a little girl. I was not disappointed when we found out the baby is a boy, but it took some mental adjustment on my part. My husband is so psyched, and I am excited of course, but nervous about how we will connect. My interests are fashion history and art. My husbands are punk rock, sports and design. So I hope we can have some middle ground. :-) Thank you for your honesty and I so loved reading this. By the way, I can't believe Toby is 11 months already!
- Erica @ Acire Adventures said...
I can totally relate. When I first found out I was expecting, I just figured it would be a girl. I was one of two daughters in my family, raised primarily by my mom. Girl was just what made sense. When I found out he was a boy, I was 100% excited about it, but a little nervous. I didn't know anything about boys. But it has turned out to be the best thing ever. My little guy is so much fun! He's so bright and busy and his dad turns into the funniest goof around him. I couldn't have asked for anything better.
And I do hope that my second is a girl, just because I'd love to get one of each gender, but it really won't matter in the end. - 9:45 PM
- Caitlin said...
I absolutely loved this post, thank you for being so honest. I know that everyone just hopes for a healthy child, but it is refreshing to hear what I always assumed (and thought myself), that a small part of you wants one or the other, but that upon arrival all of that goes away as you fall in love with your baby. We are going to start trying this summer and I am so excited for everything that comes next, thank you for starting to run motherhood mondays!
- Jessica said...
What a beautiful post, and so many lovely comments as well--I'm very touched by you all! I've always hoped for a little girl (or three!) and my adorable fiance hopes for a baby girl as well. He wants to have a "little princess" to spoil. But you are absolutely right, I know that no matter what we eventually have (*many* years down the road!!), he or she will be loved unconditionally and more than we've ever loved anything in our entire lives. Thanks for making me more excited about baby boys!! :)
What a wonderful, honest post. I was exactly the same. And, like you, kept that tiny, tiny kernal of disappointment hidden because I felt terribly guilty. And, like you, now I couldn't imagine anything different.
Thank you for writing so beautifully. - 9:46 PM
- Casie Haley Photography said...
I have three boys, ages 5, 3, & 7 months. I too secretly hoped that each one would be a girl. I especially wanted my last to be a sweet baby girl for me to share all of those "girly" moments with. I can honestly say that now that I have a family of all boys, I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I too find water guns, toys trucks, playing in the mud, and watching Batman so exciting, especially when I see how excited they get!
I still have a box of my old stuffed animals, embroidery string for friendship bracelets, and a few Barbie's tucked away in my attic. I will save them for hopefully a granddaughter some day. In the mean time, I am a photographer, and I have been getting my "girly fix" by making tutus for photo props and gifts! - 9:46 PM
- Joanna Goddard said...
i'm obsessed with all these comments!!!!! they are so amazing to read through. i love everyone's honestly and openness. xoxo
- Joanna Goddard said...
oh and yes! we're definitely planning to have another baby down the road :)
- cozette said...
Joanna -
This is my favorite post you've written! I'm not a mom yet but I think about being one and I think about my future children and I even struggle with these same thoughts! I have never heard anyone talk about this in such an honest and clear way before. Thank you!
Cozette - 9:47 PM
- Mollie D said...
I knew we'd probably have a second child, so I didn't care what my first one was. But now we are about to start on that second I am embarrassed how much I want a girl! I lost my mother when I was very young, I feel like I DESERVE that mother/daughter relationship-as silly as that sounds.
But, I know that God will give us the child we were meant to have and I accept that. And no matter what you think, meeting that child everything goes out the and your concerns seem ridiculous.
But...I half joke with my husband that if we have a second boy that one of better be gay. I'm hoping the world is a completely welcoming place for him if he is by the time he grows up! - 9:48 PM
- Big Mama Dana said...
I wanted a girl, too, and out came a boy. Now I can't imagine it any other way - I'm in love!
- Monique said...
This post was so honest and certainly resonated with me. I always wanted a girl naturally as I'm a woman and I have two older sisters. I do have a rough and tumble side though. I surf, and occasionally bike joust. I feel confident that I'd be happy with either one but I definitely lean more on the girl side. Since I treat very young children with developmental delays it has completely changed my outlook and having a child. I mostly wish for a neurologically typical child...the girl would be the cherry on top.
- Jennifer @ Belclaire House said...
Wonderful post! My friends joke that they cannot believe I was even able to produce a boy. I'm so girly and don't know much about boy stuff. I was definitely nervous about the unknown, but once our eyes met, and I saw him recognize my voice for the first time all my fears washed away and my love took over. He's not just any boy, he's my boy.
- lmt said...
Hi. I am happy you posted about this. I am the mom to Odin (he's 1w months on May 1). I always wanted a boy, I want only boys. I am scared to have a girl because I don't want my girl to have the same negative relationship that I have with my mom. But, I can say about having a boy: I was so scared that I wouldn't know how to love my son - I want to love my husband so much, how could I love another person? - but he has taught me how to love. His looks, his dependance on me, his trust, his ever developing personality... it is magical how he loves me. I just feel it. I love being a mom, I love having a boy. Motherhood is the closest to knowing and feeling God that I have ever known. So sacred, so precious! Can you believe our boys are almost ONE YEAR old??? Its so crazy.
- Ann said...
We were hoping for a boy, you know, the whole first born son thing. Plus, I was super girly as a child, and thought it would be fun to raise the opposite. But then my baby girl was born and oh how silly all that was! I was crazy to want a boy. I have ballet, and tea parties, and pretty, pretty dresses to look forward to!
- Joanna Goddard said...
oh, yes, jennifer! so beautifully put!
- Joanna Goddard said...
lmt, i know! one year! it's crazy!
- Ashlae said...
I grew up with five brothers - all I know is boy. I cannot have children, but once my partner and I decide to adopt, I will probably be in the market for a little guy (and I'm sure my man will agree). Boys are so much more laid back, and easy going, compared to girls. And to the first commenter, if my son is gay, it wouldn't change how I feel about him. Not one bit. What if my son has green eyes, but I like blue? What if he wants to be raised Christian, instead of Jewish? They're all minor details in the grand scheme of things.
- Sarah said...
I always wanted a girl too and was surprised to have a little boy. He is my sweetie and I can't imagine if he had been a girl.
I now have a girl too...two years later and it's just as special! - 9:50 PM
- water scissors paper said...
I always wanted a girl. Now, four sons later I realize it wasn't meant to be. We didn't get an ultrasound during the last pregnancy and I convinced myself it was a girl. When the doctor pulled him out he was peeing. Everyone was laughing, just like God laughed at my plans. Now, I really can't imagine my life any other way. And, boys really love their Moms in a special way.
- LPC said...
My comment was to remind all young mothers, that as you love your new boy babies, hold a space in your heart that allows them to be gay. Keep a vision of them growing up gay right next to your vision of them growing up straight. The world will thank you. So will your sons.
- Ashlae said...
PS - such a honest, beautiful post, Joanna! Thank you.
- Stephanie said...
Great Post! I secretly hoped for a girl as well but never told anyone. At 37 weeks my peanut went breach and my midwife sent me home to do a million things to try and get the baby to turn. So I did all the stuff but I also assured the little peanut that if he was a boy, I'd be so excited. He flipped. My son was born 5 weeks later and since then (16 months ago) I couldn't imagine having a girl right now!
- Chiara said...
I know most women hope for little girls... but as odd as this may seem, I have been secretely hoping for a boy.... Boys seem to love their mom and just to what she says... whereas as girls.... come teenage years.... are not so easy!
But yes, I would definitely be soooo happy with either or both!
Have a good night Joanna! - 9:54 PM
- Zoë said...
This post reminds me of when my brother was born. My parents found out about 7 months into their pregnancy that they were having a boy, and at age 4, I didn't care what the doctor said. I'd already thought up a name for my baby sister--Mia. I was so excited about my baby sister until I met her and she was... a boy. Mike. Not as fun. My parents have footage of me staring at the camera, sitting on the hospital bed next to my brother and mom, with dead, loveless eyes. My four-, five-, and six-year-old self would have argued that it was the worst day of my life. Needless to say, nowadays, I consider it the best.
- victoria said...
What sweet words about your baby boy- thanks for sharing your heart with us! My twins having given me the sweet chance to have one of each and I can say that each one is so special in their own right. Raising my girl is going to be a very different experience than raising my boy but the love my heart pours out for both of them is the same.
I actually hoped for one of each. With twins it seems a whole other dynamic is at work as well. I wasn't sure how I would handle loving two girls or two boys equally- which was also such a silly (but real) fear. Now that they are here I know I would have loved them the same no matter what. - 9:55 PM
- annelise said...
All of your stories - yours, Joanna, and everyone who has commented - are making me tear up. I don't have children and I'm not likely to for a while yet. I don't really have a preference, but I think I'd like one of each.
These honest posts are great, to say what others want to but could be too scared to, takes some courage. Nice work. - 9:55 PM
- Girly Notes said...
also I'm not a mom and I'm not gonna be one soon but your article makes me want to have a baby :)
love you xoxo
http://girlynote.blogspot.com - 9:55 PM
- Amanda said...
I was also a bit worried when we found out our babe was going to be a boy...
Our little Frederick is now 14 months old and is the first boy in my family since my brother, who is 41. He has three cousins who are all girls so everyone is completely enamored with our sweet, curious little guy. I see now that he is exactly what we needed in our lives. - 9:56 PM
- Aimee said...
Such a wonderful post. I look forward to your Monday postings. And thank you for being so openly honest. It's refreshing to hear.
Joanna, thanks so much for this post. I am engaged to a wonderful man with a family FULL of men - it is the running joke that if a family has a girl daughter it was the fault of "the postman".
Needless to say, I WANT A GIRL!! I have been secretly afraid that I'll have a boy and hate it, even though I know that's irrational. I know deep down that it will be fine either way, but it was really helpful to see in writing that you made it through and are super happy today. - 9:57 PM
- Maia McDonald said...
What a great post, I also love reading all the comments and hearing all the different feelings women had before giving birth. It's very brave of you to open up about this but clearly you aren't the only one with such feelings.
- Brodie said...
I've always been keen on having a boy, to the point where I thought I'd be really disappointed having a girl. It makes me feel quite awful saying that, but I guess because I grew up with three brothers, and was a giant tomboy, the thought of doing all those girly things put me off. I still think I would prefer a boy first, but now I am much more open to the idea of having a girl. I think I was being a bit ridiculous before, and thinking that ALL girls had to do girly things. And that's not true. Little girls are so beautiful and gorgeous and I think I'd really enjoy raising a girl, just as much as a boy. I still feel a bit silly talking about it all, I guess I feel my preferences are a bit superficial, but I think when the time comes, I am going to be genuinely excited at either, because to have a gorgeous bundle of joy of your own I think must be the most amazing feeling in the world, and one I am really looking forward to!
When I was pregnant the first time, I secretly wanted a girl. And when I found out I was having a boy, I was a tad disappointed... but knew he would not be my only child. He changed my life in so many ways... just as you mentioned in your post.
When I was pregnant with my second, I was openly hoping for a girl. One of each, you know. So when I found out I was having a boy, again, I was upset. I put on a big show like I was totally fine with having another boy. But in private, I cried and cried.
My husband insists that we not have any more children. And I would love to try one more time... for my little girl. But I'm afraid I will never get that chance.
I love both of my boys sooooo much. They are perfect and lovely and everything a mother could wish for.
But I will ALWAYS long for a girl. I too am very close with my mother. I want a girl with whom I can share that same relationship. To chat with, to play dolls with, to dress up for a dance. All the cliched things you mention. But that will never happen for me.
Does it make me sad? Definitely. Do I still cry about it? Yes.
Would I ever admit all of this publicly? Never. - 9:58 PM
Joanna! So sweet! Ours boys are so close, mine is 10 months now. I was the same. Totally convinced I was having a girl and when they told me it was a boy..I was shocked and had no clue how I was going to raise a little MAN!!! BUT, now I can't imagine having a girl! Its amazing tis being a mom thing. Keeps getting better and better every month! THanks for your awesome post.
- Alexa said...
I think this is my favorite post by you yet :)
I am just out of college and a long way from motherhood, but I do daydream of it often and I always imagine myself with a little boy. It's just a feeling I have...I can't explain it. - 9:59 PM
- Megan said...
Such a sweet post, Joanna! I secretly wanted a boy - and was also secretly thrilled to learn that I was having one - but never dared mention it since we'd had so much trouble staying pregnant before - I didn't think I really "deserved" to want either gender. I am so thrilled to have a little boy - but now know that I would have been just as thrilled and in love if we'd had a girl - gender really doesn't matter, it's just your wonderful, delightful kid.
- lemondropdreams said...
I have 3 boys and a girl...and I use the term loosely, she's all boy! Talk about not know how to relate, I don't know anything about tomboys. I guess even though you can hope for a boy or girl, you truly don't know what you're going to get!!
- Courtney said...
When I was pregnant, I really wanted a girl, but I wouldn't even admit it to myself. I never said it out loud (didn't want to jinx it!) and I wouldn't even think about it. At the ultrasound when I found out it WAS girl, I was shocked! I didn't think I would get what I wanted, and it was then I suddenly realized how much I wanted a girl. And I have really loved having a girl (she's three).
I feel terrified of having a boy (if I have another) because I'm the same way. I am a wuss and so not into "boy" things. My daughter is very mellow and calm. I'm scared of having a boy who wants to destroy and crash and jump and explore. I wouldn't know what to do with him! But I also am intrigued and think it would be delightful to have that unique bond between a mom and son. I would love to have a little mama's boy! - 9:59 PM
- the teacup chronicles said...
Babies are a long way off for me, but your sweet thoughts make me want a boy! Favorite line: "Previously boring things...are suddenly super thrilling, since I see them through his sweet little eyes." Isn't that so true of anyone we love? Thank goodness we don't have to see through just our own little eyes our whole life :)
- Veronika said...
I've always dreamed of having a girl for many of the same reasons you mentioned, but I'd be happy with a healthy baby of any gender.
- Gaby [The Vault Files] said...
Oh God! I felt exactly the same as you did! I secretly wanted a girl, well twin girls to be exact! My thought of twins was 1 pregnancy = 2 babies = perfect! (now I think differently, thank God he didn't get me what I asked for!)
I was happy about having a baby, and most importantly I was just praying every night for a healthy baby, but deep deep deep inside I wanted a girl.
Today, if you ask me about a second baby I would be tremendously happy with another baby boy, Matthew just turned 1 year a week ago and he has changed my perception completely. I love boys, I'm in love with my boy and I would love another boy :) - 10:00 PM
What a great post... But I can't help but think it may be a little early to say for certain you'll be 100% okay with whatever your son will choose to love to do. I always thought I'd have a girl my husband and I had 3 sons. There are times now, after 9 years of being a mom that I still feel a bit sad that I didn't have a girl or that I'm overwhelmed as the only girl in this house (even our two dogs are boys!). Its only natural! I don't want to be a spoilsport but at 11 months old a baby is no more boyish or girly, if that makes sense. I love my sons and embrace my family but I wouldn't be honest with myself if I didn't at least aknowledge the fact that I wish there was another girl here, like you I have a great relationship with my mom and knew little of boyish things... But I have learned more of sports and am nurturing some strong mother-son relationships...
Ah at least I have 2 nieces, right?
Julia - 10:01 PM
...at this point, a baby would be nice. Any baby, boy or girl. Infertility does that to you.
Your Toby is precious, and it is so sweet to read about a mother who loves her little boy.
-Anna - 10:02 PM
I was a bit disappointed when I found out we were having a boy. But now I am worried about possibly someday having a girl.
Unfortunately I am truly my mother's daughter. It would be hard to break the cycle of abuse, I struggle daily as it is.
But if I've learned anything from being a mother is that things rarely go according to plan or match your expectations--for better or for worse ;) - 10:03 PM
- Brooke said...
Joanna, I so appreciate your honesty with this post. With my first pregnancy, I was certain it was a boy....even packed boy clothes in my hospital bag. When they placed that sweet baby girl in my arms, I was stunned. I couldn't believe that she was not the he I had been dreaming of. It took me about 5 minutes to get over it, but I had plenty of guilt afterwards for not wishing for her. Even now, 5 1/2 years later, when I tell her the birth story, or watch the video, I feel a little sad knowing what my real feelings were at the time. Now I just can't imagine it happening any other way. This summer, I will be welcoming my fifth baby girl.....lucky, lucky me.
- Caitlin said...
this was my favorite post of yours so far. so sweet and lovely it brought a tear to my eye! i am finding out the gender of our first child at my next appointment and must confess i find myself gravitating towards wanting a girl. but as cliche as it is, i will be happy as long as our little one is healthy. your post makes me so excited to actually experience that unique love one feels for their child that you describe so well. xx
- Tang said...
I feel the same way and secretly hope for a girl when I have a baby one day. I really just want to be able to make her dresses and dress her up and buy her all the girly cute outfits you see everywhere! But in the end, yes as we all agree, a healthy baby is most important and I'd just have to change my focus to boy outfits if it were to be a boy! :)
- Karelys (Beltran) Davis said...
Oh Joanna this is very amazing! I used to want kids just like almost anyone. But then something changed as of late. I don't know why I am scared of having children. I am scared that if I have a girl that she won't have a great time because I can be sort of odd. I like girly things but I dislike how culture can portray being a woman. I reject many of those ideals. And I want the best for my kid but I am afraid I'll have a hard time communicating that and she will hate it! :( eek!
- Eliza Jane said...
My mother *really* wanted a girl, so when I came out, she was ecstatic. And when I eventually have children, I *really* hope for a boy.
- Jill GG (good life for less) said...
AWWW... such a sweet post. I was a bit the same way when I was first pregnant, hoping for a girl. But my first was a son. I think there are so many amazing things about having a boy - especially as the first born.
It is easier for the father to engage with the first baby I think, if it's a boy. Or at least that is true for my husband and many other dads I know. (not that I think my husband would have loved a girl less, it just eases them into parenting quicker) And also, now that I have a little girl too, i am glad that she has an older brother. And lastly I think a little boy's relationship with his mom is so special. Why else do women have difficulty with their mother-in-laws? They hate to lose their babies to another woman! - 10:10 PM
- Luli said...
What a sweet post. Truly and honestly, I have never hoped for one or the other, except that someday when I marry Mr. Husband, I wish to adopt a baby from a country where the undesirable baby would most likely be "thrown out" and that's usually the girl.
- ethanollie said...
keep posting these truthful heartfelt essays jo. so, so important for new mom's or mom to be's to realize they aren't alone in their thoughts...no matter how crazy they seem.
i actually cried at my ultrasound when they told me my baby was going to be a boy. and not tears of joy. but now i can't even imagine having had a girl. i love little boys and all their wild, gentle glory - 10:12 PM
- Hillary said...
I want a girl. It's a lot of what you mentioned, Joanna (I'm into fashion and girly stuff, and less into sports, etc.), but mostly it's just that I have THE best relationship with my mother. My dad is great, but it's not the same. And when I think about having children, I think to the future - to my grown daughter - and the relationship we'll have and that's what makes me think about a girl more.
The fact that we currently plan to have two kids will hopefully take a bit of the pressure off, though, when having our first kid. Then, hopefully, if it's a boy, I'll feel like you do and won't mind if the second one is, too (nooooo!). - 10:13 PM
- Patricia Villamil said...
I guess I was lucky then. I always envisioned having a girl, establishing a deep bond, like the one I share with my own mother. And in two weeks I will finally get to meet her. I always felt (I see it around so much in my own family) that girls will always be close by, boys are more independent, they fly the nest faster and when they find a woman to love, they form their own separate families. However, I do want to have a little boy too. Great post.
- Shanti Knight said...
What sweet words, Joanna! I used to hope for a girl, but when my aunt, who I've admired since I was a child, had a son, I became more open to the idea of having a boy. Seeing how so many men think of their mothers and the way mothers are so— your word— moony over their sons makes me ache for one of my own. With that said, I love the relationships between guys and their older sisters. Literally every sibling pairing involving an older sister I've encountered has been the most adorable thing ever. Guys seem to just *worship* their older sisters and I love it. It's just about the sweetest thing ever.
- Meg said...
I've never had a baby - I'm just not at the point in my life right now - but when I used to think about having a family, I was certain I wanted one girl. That was all. I used to joke that if I got a boy I would send him back. But I have spent significant time working with kids since that long-ago day, and as it turns out I really like little boys, and they really like me. Now, I can't imagine having only one child by choice, and I want at least one boy. How unexpected, this revelation, but what a gift!
- ashlie said...
I agree and am the complete opposite! I wanted a boy so much, and was so sure that I would have a boy. But then there Vivian was, and things have never been the same. Now I can't imagine not having her, and it feels so special to have a girl as my first since I'm the oldest girl as well. It's such a special bond.
I was so moved by your post tonight, that (in rare form) I would like to make a comment! I secretly wished for a daughter because I had a "hole" in my heart ever since my mom left the family. I craved for that mother/daughter bond and thought that somehow having a daughter would fill it. I had my son last June and I am completely, utterly smitten for him and my heart spilleth over with the love I have for him. He is my most treasured gift and I cannot imagine my life without him. He's the first thing I think about when I get up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. My heart is full because I caught that 'unconditional love bug' when he came into my life. To be completely honest, I would be ecstatic if I get to have a daughter(if my husband and I are blessed!) and be able to do girly things that I wished I did with my mom. There will always be a part of me that longs for that mother/daughter relationship but my bond with my son is incomprehensibly fulfilling and perfect :) and I'm certain that it was meant to be. Thanks again for this post.
This post made me tear up a little, specially reading the sweet comments. It must be beautiful to be a mom (I've always dreamed of becoming a mother) and that's why my world fell apart when I learned I couldn't be one. Nope, I can't get pregnant. But I will be a mom someday, somehow. I'm already searching and looking the adoption papers! Be it a girl or a boy, either way I know he/she is going to steal my heart.
xoxo - 10:17 PM
- Laura @ Sawan-Heaven said...
My husband has finally convinced me to get started on a baby. :o) I've always wanted boy first then a girl, but who knows! It was always my sister and me, and my husband is the youngest in his family. The first was his brother, then his sister and then him. I'm not picky, just like you said I just want a healthy baby.
I always imagined a boy watching out for his little sister and making sure she doesn't get hurt. :o) - 10:19 PM
- {lovely little things} said...
Such a beautiful, honest, and powerful post. Thanks for sharing.
As the oldest of three sisters and all but one girl cousin, I always thought I'd be lost if I ever have a boy. But since I have become a 2nd grade teacher, I see the gender decision in a whole new light.
Yes, girls can be more fun to dress, and like pink, poufy things (depending on the girl), but boys can have just as be just as exciting. The stories, moments, and funny sayings I hear in my classroom are equitable for boys and girls alike.
I guess my ultimate goal is to have at least one of each. :) - 10:19 PM
Your honesty is refreshing and admirable.
I hope I am blessed to have both a girl and a boy along the way, but I secretly hope for a girl first and honestly do fear that if that first child (or all of them, however many?!) is a boy that I'd be a teeny bit disappointed like you said...and then feel really guilty about it. So again, your honesty is admirable, and encouraging.
*I also want to adopt, so perhaps we can adopt the gender we weren't able to have!
**That first comment seems a little off...you handle things so graciously! - 10:23 PM
- Alicia Marie said...
When I first found out I was pregnant, I wanted a girl. I knew what to do with a girl, but boys, I was not sure I could handle. Than we found out it was a boy and I began to watch little boys, with their sweet grins, running with one arm crooked to the side and swinging the other as fast as they could. And slowly I began to look forward to raising a boy.
All of your feelings about your boy were true for me. True, deep love. I could not imagine anyone else.
When I found out I was pregnant with my second, I secretly wanted another boy. I knew what to do with a baby boy. I loved my little guy and was so excited to think about little brothers together. I had baby boys down...but girls, I was not sure what to do with them...
Now that my second son is here and 8 months already, it does not seem possible to love two little boys more.
The interesting thing was after I had my sonogram and found out it was another little man, I knew I wanted to have a baby girl. So, who knows, maybe I will or maybe I will always be a boy mom.
Either way, each baby is so beautiful and special and so unique. I am sure that if we have another, boy or girl, that little one will change us just like my two boys have dramatically changed my life for the good.
I really enjoyed this post. - 10:24 PM
- nickandnoragettingmarried said...
What a lovely, honest post. I really enjoy being a girl and I have a very close relationship with my mom, so a little part of me hopes I have a girl someday. But then I think about my fiance, who is an amazing man, and how great it would be to raise a boy like him. Also, I mainly babysat boys when I was a teen, and they were just the coolest kids around. Ideally, I'd like one of each, but I'd be happy with either.
- Colleen said...
I don't have children yet, but I want a boy. I am the oldest of four daughters, when my mom ran her daycare business, we had 3 girls and one boy. I want some testosterone around me. Sure, as long as the baby is healthy it shouldn't matter, but I want a boy. I want two children, a boy and girl (particularly in that order). If that doesn't happen, so be it.
I enjoyed this post, Joanna! It was worth the wait today. - 10:28 PM
I don't have kids, I'd love to some day. That being said, I think that was one of the sweetest posts I've ever read.
Also love the reply, "i'll love whatever is important to him and love him for whoever he is!" - 10:29 PM
- Wende said...
Wow, as the mother of four boys, I feel like having a girl would be completely foreign territory! Not that it wouldn't be wonderful, with each of my little men I always had a tiny secret wish for a girl. I knew what I wanted to name her, and couldn't wait to shop for girly things. But with each boy I was so thrilled when they came that it didn't matter. I look forward to having lovely granddaughters someday!
As with anonymous above, we are an infertile couple who simply wish for a child, whatever the sex. It's difficult to read your post Joanna and the subsequent comments, as for us the luxury of being disappointed by the gender may be something we never experience.
I understand you only have your own experiences to go on, but for some of us it's hard to read, when our sadness is based on having neither a baby boy or a baby girl. - 10:33 PM
- Hollie said...
I'm in love with that photo and your story and Lori's comment regarding her son coming out. So much love!
I secretly wanted a girl, and I knew I would be disappointed if I didn't have one, for all of the same reasons you stated. I did have a girl, however, like you said, happy & healthy are the only things that matter. :] - 10:33 PM
- Kiley said...
Secretly I would like a boy first, but I don't know why I can't take him to ballet or watch old movies with him like my mom did with me. Take my brother and I for example, I ended up loving sports and he hates them. It all depends on who raises them and what they end up liking I guess.
- Linnie Joy said...
i was convinced my boy was a girl, Oh was i wrong!! i find myself joking about wanting a band of boys, i always did much better with boys than girls, but as a mumma i think that every child is so different you cant really judge based on sex, your child will be yours, and you'll love every funny quirk about them, they really do change everything!!
- Amy Lauree said...
So perfectly put :)
We had always hoped for a girl, and actually had one almost a year and a half ago! We felt the entire time it was a girl, and keep falling more in love with all the new skills, words, and funny little things she does.
We also hope to have a second, and already have feelings that if we do, it will be another girl.
The sweetest thing is that my husband is so excited at the thought of two little girls as his daughters. But equally sweet, he also dreams of teaching a little boy to play baseball.
Both genders are amazing. Even though I hope again for another girl, if we had a boy, I am sure I would be just as in love...and hope he gets all of his dad's beautiful and tender qualities! - 10:35 PM
- cade said...
I had wanted a little boy so badly! I wanted a momma's boy and a big brother to protect my next kiddo. I have a little girl who is two weeks older than Toby. It didnt take me long to switch over to the girly side, with all the fun shopping that took place! Now I can't imagine not having my little girl, but I'm still hoping for my little boy one day. <3
- Charly said...
Lori: I have one of the worst fathers out there. And I don't trust any MAN at all. I have had pretty hurtful experiences with men in life (father, uncles, friends, lovers, ex-husband, you name it). And I decided not to have children ever, because there is chance it could be a boy.
Your comment is so sweet.
Thanks! You made me cry for the last hour... An intense but revealing hour.
Joanna: Thanks for sharing sweety! - 10:36 PM
- courtney said...
I have two boys 4 and 7 months. I did not find out the gender during either pregnancy. I did sort of expect boys. Maybe hoped for them. I do find raising a boy challenging. I grew up in a house full of women. Boys and men were really forign to me. The book It's a Boy!: Your Son's Development from Birth to Age 18 by Michael Thompson has helped me understand some of the behavior, energy and type of play boys engage in. I love being the mother of boys.
- Designwali said...
I'm pretty sure that in Eastern cultures (including my own South Asian upbringing) its quite common to talk about preferences. Almost to a fault, as everyone puts some clout in having a 'boy'. Ridiculous if you ask me.. I have been blessed to have one of each and they bring me such joy...despite gender. But if I have another..i would love to have another girl....its a sister thing i think.
- Evie said...
I love this post because I felt so guilty for feeling this way when I was pregnant. We have very few boys in our family and so I had always imagined myself with a little girl. My sister has 2 girls, my mom had 2 girls, my grandmother had 3 girls etc.
When I found out I was having a boy, it wasn't that I was disappointed about having a boy but I just needed time to adjust to the fact that the little girl I had imagined would not be there (at least not for now). Now that my boy is here, I cannot even imagine having a girl! He is my world :) - 10:41 PM
- Jen said...
I absolutely want a girl, but I know I'll be just as happy with a boy :) I just want a child who is empathetic toward others and understands consequences. That's all that truly matters in the big scheme of parenting- raising a good person.
- KaitlinCole said...
If a person is being honest they would have to say they pictured one sex or the other.
I grew up with 3 sisters and when my husband and I found out we were pregnant I wished for a boy so much (girls seems like SO much work!) and we even bought a pair of boy shoes right before our ultrasound (to show God we were believing for a boy). Now that I found out I am pregnant with #2 (this morning!) I want a boy again (maybe only for the fact that it would be less expensive at this time in our lives).
But any baby, boy or girl, will be loved every moment for the rest of their lives. - 10:42 PM
- Ginny said...
Growing up I loved to play the board game LIFE. I always had the pink car and hoped to land on the all of the spots where you "had a baby" especially twins. In this game I always wanted to have 4 kids 3 boys and a girl. As an adult coming from a family with only one sibling I felt 2 kids would suffice and I definitely hoped for a boy and a girl. (Or as my husband would call it le choix du roi.)
Now I am a mom to two beautiful boys ages 3 ½ and 1. I do worry sometime about being able to do boy stuff with them as I don't know a thing about cars or trucks or trains. I stink at sports. However there are still plenty of things we can find common ground on like art, cooking and movies. And once they are running around on the field or court I will learn the rules to the game and become their biggest fan. But I think what makes me most excited about having all boys is that I will forever be surrounded by handsome fellows and will never be in need of dance partner. - 10:42 PM
- melissa said...
Joanna, I knew as soon as you announced Motherhood Mondays that it would be amazing, and it is--this post is so timely for me right now.
My husband and I named our future daughter years ago and since then, have referred to her by her name. We talk about her often, expressing the desire for her to have this quality or that, even calling the nursery "Ollie's room" since we first moved into our house. Honestly, I was completely convinced that my first child would be a girl--it would be our Ollie.
When I found out I was expecting in February, I immediately had a gut instinct that I was carrying a boy. My husband expressed the same feeling. Last week during an ultrasound, the tech said she was quite sure she saw "boy equipment".
Surprisingly, I wasn't upset or disappointed, as I thought I would be. I was excited that my instincts had been correct, and the tapes of my husband teaching our son to play baseball began to play in my head....
Maybe we'll have our Ollie someday, and maybe we won't. But right now, all I really care about is this incredible blessing growing inside of me is going to be all mine. And I can't wait to bury my head in his sweet little tummy and inhale.... - 10:43 PM
- --r said...
i wanted a boy to play trucks and "tackle mommy" with the way i played with my nephew, but also to sing and dance with and draw and play and run with. my son has far exceeded all my hopes and desires. i'm actually afraid to have another because he so perfectly fits what i imagined my child to be, how could another compare? or even more worrisome, how could i possibly get this lucky again?
- Chris said...
Thank you for this post! I am pregnant with my first--and we find out what gender it is in exactly a week. I have been secretly hoping for a girl and feeling a little guilty about it. However, it sounds like having a little boy would be absolutely wonderful, and just by the fact that you wrote about it, I'm feeling better about the whole idea. Thank you!
- Mom2MemphisAndRuby said...
Before having my son, I always knew I wanted a boy first. And it was amazing. Then when I found out I was expecting again, I did secretly hope for a boy. A brother for my son. Surrounded by "my boys" just sounded heavenly... but we were surprised to find out we were having a girl. I warmed to the idea of a daughter instantly. No matter how I thought I wanted it, I got just want I needed! They're perfect!
- lyndsey said...
i'm so with you. i had just always KNOWN my first would be a girl...i'm a girl, i'm the oldest, i know girl stuff, so my first would naturally be a girl. imagine my surprise when we went in for the ultrasound and BAM -- it was a boy. it's embarrassing to admit, but i was so shocked i actually cried in the ultrasound room!
took me a couple days and some talks with friends who had firstborn boys to realize this would be okay, and then realize that of COURSE it was fine because he was a healthy baby and he was ours! and then, just like you, once he was born he was perfect and he was exactly what i wanted. jack is now 9 months old and everyday i tell my husband how glad i am we had a boy. he is just so FUN and curious and strong...and i love to dress him in button-up shirts and spike his hair. i never thought i'd be able to bond as well with a boy as i could a girl, but there really is a special relationship between a boy and his mama and i've totally got that even after only nine months. of course, i still hope to paint a daughter's fingernails and venture over to the other 3/4ths of the ruffles-and-skirts target baby section, but for now i am totally happy with my little guy.
great post, joanna! - 10:46 PM
Thank you for your sweetness and honesty. I've always wanted a girl, and secretly felt a little guilty for feeling that way. I guess I just always figured I could do a better job raising a girl, because I know what to do. Your post for the first time ever has made me excited at the prospect of having a boy. I feel hopeful. One day I hope to have a couple healthy babies, that grow to be good, kind people. Boy or girl, it'll be wonderful. And if I have any questions about boy things--I've got my partner and my pops!
Thanks. I always enjoy your blog. You're lovely. - 10:46 PM
- Miranda @ One Little Minute said...
Wow, I sort of felt like I was reading my own journal for a minute there! I have brothers, both of whom are not typical boy-types, and my three sisters and I are close as can be. I thought for sure I would be the mom of girls. That's all the experience I had! When I became pregnant, I called the baby "her" for 20 weeks... and well, I have a boy. A curious, red-head, laugh out loud, tractor obsessed, two-year-old who I can not imagine life without!
And then, for the first 19 weeks of my current pregnancy I thought FOR SURE it was a girl (even more sure than last time!) and I even began sewing dresses. Yep. Another boy. And you know what? I could have a whole team of boys and be so so happy, because now I see myself as the mom of boys. Now, boys are all the experience I have!
Do I want a girl someday? I think so. Do I sometimes put a freshly made dress (for a customer) on my boy and think he looks adorable? You betcha. - 10:47 PM
- Kelly said...
Such a great post! I always wanted girls but your post has reassured me that either will be perfect!
- M said...
I felt so much of the same things- hoping for a girl, not sure how to raise a boy, what it would be like. But the moment he was born I knew he was exactly the baby we were meant to have- and now I would be thrilled if I had many more boys!
- vitaminA said...
this post melts my heart :*)
when i found out i was pregnant, i too wanted a little girl so bad. i was so stuck on wanting a girl and doubted if i could love a boy (how horrible!). i didn't want that desire to overtake me in fear that i might actually have a boy and feel extra disappointed. as weeks progressed, i had a strong gut feeling my baby was indeed a boy. i still had several weeks until the ultrasound. but during those weeks, unknowingly, my heart started changing as i imagined having a little baby boy. warmth and excitement fluttered about inside the more i thought about a little "him". the anticipated day had finally arrived for my ultrasound and there i saw in clear view that he was for sure my baby boy! i couldn't have been more excited. my heart had been preparing me all along to receive the best news in the world. baby luke is due to arrive this june and i can not wait to have him in my arms. a thousand kisses await... - 10:51 PM
- Dani said...
I do not have children of my own, but I am extremely hands on in the upbringing of my nieces & 1 nephew. I have 4 nieces & only 1 nephew. While I adore all of my nieces & I'm close with each of them, there is a completely different bond that I have with my nephew (who is 18 months old). He's the light of my life & has changed my way of thinking so much. If I ever do have children of my own, I think I'll secretly hope for a boy. Although I'd be happy boy or girl, just as long as they're healthy! This post was so lovely!
- Emily said...
Thanks for sharing! I had a similar experience but with the opposite gender. I was sure I was having a boy and was constantly imagining life with the little guy so when they told me I was having a girl I was also guiltily disappointed. Like you, now I wouldn't have it any other way... I guess God knows best :)I love my little Adelaide and doing all the girly things with her!
It's normal to have a secret little wish for one sex or the other. You find out very quickly (as you did, Joanna) that any little disappointment is quickly mitigated. And fast.
What I am sad about is how many people I hear bemoan having girls. I've been shocked to hear the most dreadful things standing in line at the farmer's market recently. It was a big hatefest on girls. By a group of women. I was so upset & said something. They were so mean & I hoped for the baby's sake that it would be a boy. But being raised by such dreadful women was going to make him hate girls. It was such a shock.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Cheers. - 10:55 PM
I'm the mother of two daughters, both grown now, and ready to start families of their own. When I was pregnant, all I wanted was girls because, like you, I didn't feel like I would be terribly enthusiastic about things likes baseball and trucks. And now here I am 28 years later hoping for granddaughters! My own mother told me, "You know what you want, but I promise you'll love what you get." So that is how I am approaching life as a grandmother. My daughter, who will find out the sex of their first baby next month, has confessed to me that she is hoping for a girl. She feels guilty about this. I'm going to forward your blog along to her. Something tells me reading a few post about Toby may help her see things in a different light.
- TheBeautyFile said...
I had my baby boy in September and I never really had a preference about the sex. I have a brother and I adore him so I felt like I kind of wanted a boy {first, anyway}. An older brother to a little sister seems so cute, he can protect her, she can hopefully marry one of his nice friends one day. Anyway, I couldn't imagine loving my little guy more than I did when I first felt him on my skin when he came out, but it gets better with every passing day. We are so close, I just feel like he's a part of myself. I may think about those girly Disney movies I'd like to watch, but in all honesty, I see having a boy as kind of a learning experience and a way to step outside of my comfort zone {shopping, makeup, fashion blogging, romantic comedies.} I feel so lucky to have such a sweet and loving little man.
- Mandy F said...
I always felt bad telling people that I wanted a girl. The first ultrasound we had said our baby was going to be a girl, I was thrilled. When we had a second ultrasound and found out she was actually a she I cried. I was still excited to meet him but also sad to be losing that little girl that I dreamed about.
Now that I have my little boy who is almost two I couldn't imagine it any other way. You are so right about seeing "boy stuff" in a whole new way. Thanks for sharing your story. Little boys are awesome! - 11:01 PM
- kira said...
Thank you for this post. My husband and I are expecting our first child. We find out the sex in less than a month. I grew up in a family of all girls (plus my dad) and he is a big sports/car guy, but he adjusted. He started to love volleyball and dance team which are things I'm sure he never expected to get into. I know if I have a boy it will be the same for me, but it's still scary thinking about the future and wondering if I will be able to connect with him if the baby is male. This post helped me because you addressed the same concerns I have and reassured me that I will be in love no matter what. I'm so excited to find out!
- kater said...
Oh my, thank you for saying this!
I'm ages from babies, but at the same time, it's something I think about a lot now (I work in a small bakery where the owners have a 6 month old little girl who I get to watch all the time and play with every day! It's so amazing). I've always secretly wanted a girl, for all the reasons you said. Especially because my mother and her mother were so close, and my mother and I are as well, and I want someone else to feel that way (not just about me, but it's such a good feelings that I have about my mother in such a particular daughter way).
But then I also see little boys in their short pants and I melt anyway, so I'm sure whatever ends up happening, it will be a good story :) - 11:06 PM
- A Sunday Kind Of Love said...
i grew up taking care of some of my younger cousins (specifically 6 boys and 2 girls, over the years), and spent the most time with them in the newborn-elementary school ages. i was lucky that i got to see the very sweet side of raising boys, and i would be happy to have either a boy or girl for my first baby. however, eventually, i'd like to have both sexes represented :)
i suppose my secret is that i would be sad if all my children were only girls or only boys. i also worry about raising sisters (because i don't have one!) - 11:10 PM
- The Tiny Team said...
This almost made me cry, because I felt the same way...
I wish I didn't, but I did! I secretly wanted a girl! I mentor teen girls, I love girly things, I thought it would be so fun and such a breeze...
I told myself it was a boy to prepare myself.
Then it was a boy.
Now that he's 5 months old, I love him to pieces and only want him!
Thank you for posting. I wish we could have a play date for our little boys :)
-Amy - 11:12 PM
- MelTown said...
It's funny because I think you are definitely right about most people having a gender preference, but I really don't think I have a clear favorite...for the first baby. I really think I'd be giddy to have a healthy boy or girl. I have long thought, though, that I would like to have children of all the same gender. I have all sisters and they mean the world to me, and it seems like siblings of the same gender tend to be so close. Of course, this is based only on observations of my own family and the families of my friends, and I know many boy/girl siblings who are very dear to each other, but there seems to be such a strong bond within sisterhood or brotherhood.
- Andrea said...
I think everyone feels a pull, but ultimately feels grateful for a healthy baby, no matter the gender. I have two brothers and no sisters and have always been very close to my mom. And I have two nephews, so we really wanted a little girl to join our family and were delighted when we had our healthy sweet pea. I'm sure we would have loved a boy just as much (ADORE my nephews), but knowing that we would probably only be able to have one child—we felt pretty lucky to get the girl we got.
to be honest i am scared when i found out that i was having a boy. mainly because i am a single mom and my family are dominantly females. i don't know how boys play, what tickle their fancy or even how will i teach my baby boy to pee standing up. second, research shows that male babies are the most likely to die from SIDS and with my sister tragically lost her baby boy last year, my worries triple. but i cannot live on worries all the time. i just enjoy the moment with my little boy who is changing me everyday. it is hard work but it's all worthed. the feeling of love is overwhelming.
thanks for this section of your blog jo. it connects me to the other mom out there and it feels good that somewhat i'm not alone on this journey. thank you :) - 11:15 PM
I had the same feelings that you had prior to finding out what we were having. I had an ultrasound with our first around 15 weeks they told me it was a girl, I was cautiously excited I didn't feel like it was a girl even though I really wanted one. A few weeks later I had another scan and there it was a BOY as clear as day!! I did have a moment of sadness only because I was told a girl and then she was gone and a little boy in her place. Three years later I would never change anything. We now have two boys and they are awesome. We look at bugs and play with trains and cars. Anyone who say's they don't want boys don't know what they are missing.
Mandy OFBC friend 8-) - 11:17 PM
- Lourdes said...
I had the same experience as you... and now I am completely and madly in love with my little boy and would not want it any other way... he is almost 11 months too! We have such a strong and beautiful connection. He just started saying "Ma" and it completely melts my heart. He is a sweet and happy little one. I have loved having a boy so much that I would not mind at all if we another boy.
- kathy besser said...
Hi Joanna,
I love how candid you were with this post. First pregnancy, I wanted a girl (for many of the same reasons you expressed) but was happy to have a boy since I figured we'd have another chance for a girl. Second pregnancy, I found out via amnio we were having another boy. I definitely had a few weeks of ups and downs, adjusting to my future all-male household. But when my second baby arrived, with his incredibly long eyelashes and sweet demeanor, I was SO happy he wasn't a girl. To this day, he is still the most loving, affectionate and deep thinking person I've ever met (and his eyelashes are better than any girl's I've seen!). warmly, kathy - 11:18 PM
- miss sarah said...
What a great post! I really felt absolutely no preference either way, until I saw the ultrasound and said, "that's a dude!"
It was cool at first, but then I starting thinking about all the males in both our extended families... and I was overcome with memories of holes punched into walls, extreme procrastination, philosophical analysis that leads to general life paralysis, crippling self-doubt, and uh... general moodiness and bad tempers.
Then I remembered I am not exactly like my mom or aunt. And that Dexter will grow up to be his own little dude. And now that he is out and almost two I think we're on the right track!
Congrats on your little man, I know how lucky you feel. - 11:21 PM
I have two baby boys actually, twins, and like you, I was a little surprised/disappointed to find out they were both boys. When you're pregnant with twins you just automatically figure they will be a boy and a girl. I remember the elation that immediately set on my husbands face, two boys to raise as men, to play ball with, to carry on the family name... I was afraid. These babies will have organs that I don't have, how will I know what to do with them...yikes! But oh my gosh Joanna, the moment they put these little men in my arms, the first time I nursed them and smelled their sweet scent, I was in love forever. Like you, I can't imagine having any others in my life...I want to be a mama that makes them proud and that guides me every day.
Plus! Remember how easy going boys are, girls can just be so moody:)
We want to have one more baby and I honestly hope it's another boy!
Lisa M - 11:25 PM
- MEL said...
I'm so glad you brought up this honest topic because everyone thinks about it at some point I'm sure! I've always wanted a boy and I still dream about having a cute little baby boy. But the funny thing is, when I dream about what I'll name my perfect little man when I one day have him, all I can come up with are girl names! Plus, to throw it all for a loop--I just found out that there are twins in my family!
I guess the point I'm learning is what a joy it is to have no idea! Just like you said, all of the sudden he came, and your world was turned upside down! What a feeling! It's that feeling alone that I can't wait for. XO - 11:25 PM
- Samantha Bender said...
I am a proud mama to three sweet little boys! I love them dearly and they have brightened my world with every minute they have been apart of my life.
I have learned, in my 6 years of mothering boys, that there is nothing like a son's love for his mother. Being the only girl in our home, sets me apart and my three sweet little guys sometimes even compete for my attention!
But, I can tell you it isn't always sunshine and rainbows either! One of my biggest challenges so far has just recently arose...my oldest two boys have really started to take an interest in sports...oh so many sports! Now, I am an athletic girl but, at times I would rather be doing other things than playing ball AGAIN...and I have watched my boys start spending tons of time bonding with my husband over basketball and baseball. Even though I am so very thankful they can bond, I cannot help but feel a little left out. I love to be active but, sometimes I just feel like taking it easy instead of playing ball!
Who knows though, maybe my youngest son will take an interest in some of my other hobbies?! We'll just have to wait and see! - 11:31 PM
- Literary Feline said...
I honestly didn't go into my pregnancy wanting either particular gender more than the other but so many people kept telling me I'd have a little boy that I began to believe it too. And in that way, I came to want a little boy more than a girl. I'm not big into girly stuff and began to worry that I wouldn't make a good mother to a girl--for all the reasons you wanted a girl. LOL The funny thing was that my husband wanted a girl. He was afraid of having a son--felt it would be too much pressure on him as the man in the house. It turned out that I have a girl and I couldn't be more happy. She's wonderful and while it is still too early to tell what kind of mother I'll be to a daughter--I'm a little less concerned about the things I worried about early on. My daughter will be who she is meant to be no matter what.
- Jen Snyder said...
We have 2 boys and I love it-when the 2nd baby was coming of course everyone wanted a girl-one boy/one girl-when I found out it was a boy I was so happy that Ezzie was going to have a brother to play and bond with! I love our family dynamic-2 great boys who love and respect their mama!Now I have 2 little dudes to share my love of Transformers!lol!
- Siri said...
This was such a lovely post, and I think I related to every, single word. I too have a sweet little boy. And actually, I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a daughter now! Of course, if I am blessed with one I will be thrilled. But at the same time, I would be beyond happy with a slew of men : )
- Heidi said...
Thank you for your honesty. I'll admit I was pretty dead set on having a girl first, and got "lucky." I was just worried that if I didn't have a girl first I would never have a girl. How dumb, right? Then I wanted a boy so badly the second time around that I didn't find out the gender for fear I'd be disappointed if it was a girl. I got "lucky" again. My only point is I fall into that silly but oh-so-normal camp of obsessing over a gender. But the bottom line is you were meant to have the baby you have, and you will be surprised and awed every moment by how much you love "it" no matter what. I have friends with every combination imaginable, and they're all head-over-heels for their babes. Toby is such a lucky boy to have you to love him. And the same will be true for your #2 and your #3 and . . . xoxoxo
- Ariel said...
i'm only 21 and far from motherhood myself but i already day dream about my baby girl. i have all sorts of crazy names for her (my favorite being chrysanthemum after the amazing children's book) i picture her being spunky and loving art like me, wanting to wear crazy tights. i like to think that my boyfriend would be an awesome dad and teach her to ride a bike or to play baseball.
BUT i just KNOW because i have 100 baby girl names stored up that my first baby is going to be a boy because that is just my luck and my life. everyone i know has a preference and i think thats just the way life is. although, i love dinosaurs and star wars so i think i'll be safe either way. :D
its terrible really because i'm so young (and unprepared) but i can't wait to be a momma!!! - 11:37 PM
- missmehoneybee said...
What a great post. Yes, I wanted a girl too. I wanted pretty dress, fashion and all the girly things. I actually cryed when I found out my sweet lil guy was a boy. How horribel is that! I have two brothers and no sisters so always dreamed of a girl. Now, Im right there with you. Boy stuff is so fun! Trucks, dirt, dinosaurs and all. I would be so blessed to have another boy.
ps.Really really excited about Motherhood Mondays! Love it. - 11:37 PM
- Amy E Jones said...
I cried for a week when I found out my second child was a boy (my first is a girl). I mourned the fact that she would never have a sister because we only wanted two kiddies. I have two sisters that I cherish dearly and talk to on a daily basis. I wanted the same for her and worry that as adults, a brother and sister won't be as close? Of course the moment we met Charlie we were all smitten! He is just what our little family needed....wild and hilarious....he shakes things up! We love every single thing about him.
- Hannah said...
I love how honest you are. I don't know why but I have always wanted boys and maybe a girl.
- BananaSaurusRex said...
During both of my pregnancies, I would have bet any amount of money that I was a having girls - must have been all the hormones... I have two boys and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
- Urban Family Nest said...
Beautifully written...
I thought for years I'd have a girl first - I wished for, hoped for, dreamed of having a little girl of my own. Nine seconds after discovering I was pregnant, I knew intuitively it was a boy I was carrying. Hit me like a lead fist to the gut...I was not only a tiny bit let down, I was oddly shaken by it. Fast forward a year and that blue eyed, fuzzy headed, drooling, cooing, babbling clone of his father fully owns my heart. Maybe, possibly I could have loved a girl as much - I'll never know. All I know is this little boy fuels a love like nothing I've experienced before and simultaneously breaks and mends my heart a thousand times a day. I'm constantly overwhelmed with emotion for him. He is the best project I've ever taken on, that little owner of my heart, and I'm no longer sure I even want to be the mom to anyone buy little boys from here on out! - 11:43 PM
- Alysha said...
How's LPC 1st comment! what the....??
Loved reading this I'm only 26 and my partner is 29 we are not ready for kids yet but we love laughing & talking about it. Its funny he wants a girl & I want boy 1st, then we both start swapping so I don't even care now Im just praying Im able to. - 11:45 PM
- Katie Snyder said...
I have to admit that I kind of hope for a girl. I grew up in a female-dominated (fourteen of my eighteen cousins on both sides are girls!) family and all things boy are rather foreign to me. That, and I'm a wee bit afraid of a miniature of my husband running around. He's a handful as it is! Just kidding-mostly. We're really young and not ready for kids, so who knows how I'll feel in five or ten years (when I'll maybe be ready).
- Ale. said...
It was such a delight to read your post! Just beautiful, you always make motherhood sound like it's even more wonderful that I can imagine!
Can't wait to keep reading your motherhood monday posts!
http://leblogdeale.blogspot.com - 11:53 PM
- Natalia Valerie said...
What an honest and thoughtful post. I am not where near having a baby, not even engaged yet but patiently waiting. :) But I always think down inside how much more I would prefer a girl. I made the mistake once of mentioning my thoughts out loud to my partner and he called me selffish.
At first I was upset that he would say that but afterwards I realize, yes, that was a little bit selffish. I should be happy with whatever god sends my way because that's the way it was supposed to be. So, I completely understand, although childless at the moment, how it must feel.
But like you said, I am sure that once that little baby comes to your arms after carrying them for 9 months your entire life changes and you are just so thrilled to be a mom that the sex no longer matters.
Thanks for the honest post. I loved it.
Best Regards,
Natalia - 11:54 PM
- Rebecca said...
Oh, yes, I can indeed relate. My first born is a girl (now nearly five years old) I was SO happy and excited about being a mama to a baby girl. Like you, I loved being my mother's daughter and could not imagine not having a girl of my own. It was almost as if I felt entitled to have a baby girl. So silly, I know. When I was pregnant for the second time, I was under the same illusion that since I grew up with a sister and I loved being my sister's sister, that I would have another girl and raise sisters just as my mom had. Well as it turned out, my second child (now 2) is a boy, and let me tell you, it took some getting used to. On a conscious level I felt fine about having a boy, yet, for weeks after the ultrasound reveal, every time I said "I'm having a boy" out loud I would inexplicably tear up. Again, how silly, because, WOW do I love that boy. WOW, do I love being a mother to my son, and WOW do I love watching the sister-brother relationship unfold between my children. I am currently pregnant (somewhat unexpectedly) with my third child, due in early June, and it has been so refreshing this time around to have no gender hang-ups lurking in my subconscious. Because I have one of each and know the joy they bring, I honestly had no preference hidden or otherwise this time. Of course, I can only speak for myself, my daughter has insisted from the beginning of this pregnancy that only a sister would do. Lucky for her, her wish will come true, as we know for sure that this next baby will be girl.
On a more superficial note, I have LOVED beyond all expectation dressing my baby boy. The gingham shirts, the bow ties, the cutest jeans...so fun!
Cheers to a lovely post! - 12:02 AM
I really needed this. My husband and I are currently 17 weeks pregnant and find out the gender in two weeks. We both agreed from the very beginning that we didn't care if it is a boy or a girl, but we both have said that if it is a boy, we will be sad it's not a girl, and if it's a girl, we will be sad it's not a boy. But I think once we meet our little one (husband calls it a "robot") everything will be perfect. Like it's supposed to be.
Thank you for the perfect timing of this. - 12:04 AM
- Becca said...
I loved your post, and wanted to share it in a way, so I answered your questions on my own blog for my friends and family to be able to read as well. I'd love if you'd read it, - and thank you for having such a great place to read about being a mom who seems to have such a great handle on still being her own person. :)
http://coreysrocketgirl.blogspot.com/ - 12:06 AM
- Aymarita said...
Don't understand the "gay" comments. Not all gay men are effeminate, people!
I always thought my talents would be lost on a boy. When I was first pregnant, I secretly wished for a girl and felt I didn't know the first thing about what boys liked, did, etc. My first son was stillborn, and with the next one, again I wished for a girl, not because of the above-listed reasons but because I wanted it to be different from the first experience, which was so sad and traumatic. My next was a boy, with whom I miscarried. By this point, I felt I was OWED a boy! I wished, and wished, and wished and got my boy about a year ago!!! I love every minute of it and can't even imagine having a girl now. But honestly, if the next one is a girl I would be very happy. I think most parents want to parent a child of the same sex because it's what we know. But you find out that you can parent a child of the opposite sex just as well. There is no use in worrying about what you would do with a child of the opposite sex, and a healthy baby is truly all that's important. - 12:07 AM
- BASIIK said...
I'm only 20 and do not plan on having children anytime soon. But I still think about it all the time. The ways I'll raise them, the morals I want them to have, the days we'll spend together. Honestly though, I cannot decide which I would rather have, a boy or a girl. They each have things that are easier to get through with them and things that are more difficult. I do always picture myself with a little boy though. Perhaps because I'm not the girliest girl even though I am close with my mother, but I do have all older brothers and no sisters. As long as I have a healthy happy baby.
I loved this post. Thanks for sharing! - 12:08 AM
- Jilleun said...
This is a wonderful blog post!
- Rebecca said...
Oh Joanna, this was such a beautiful post!! My sweet boy will be a year old in May, too. I've actually always wanted a boy, partly because I just thought moms of boys were so cool--I think its because boys keep mamas active & on their toes :). I only had a sister (who I love!), so boys are still a mystery to me in so many ways. But what I do know is this: boys (and men) are vulnerable and impressionable despite their tough exterior. We as mamas have such a special opportunity to build them up, and show them that we are proud of them and that they are *just right*, just the way they are. Gosh, it just feels like such an *honor* to get to raise a boy :).
- kitten said...
i also secretly wanted a girl but we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy and i wouldn't want it any other way. if i ever have a second baby, i secretly pray for another boy !
- Rebecca said...
ps...maybe you already have, but I think it'd be so fun to talk about baby names in a post. Toby was in our top five...but we ended up with Wesley instead :)
- Lea said...
When our first child was born with Cystic Fibrosis, it changed life as we knew it. With my second and third pregnancies ALL I wanted was a healthy baby and I had so much guilt even wanting that-when we loved and adored our beautiful, perfectly imperfect daughter who happened to have CF. I am now lucky to have three precious loves, all unique, two girls and a boy. Spoilt really.
I love your honest and heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing. I'll definately be reading more. - 12:18 AM
Oh Joanna. Thank you for such an honest article about this topic - often confined to the whispers of bed talk between partners.
I am expecting in early October this year - and always dreamed that I'd have a girl. I am close to my mother too and have one other sister. I don't like to admit it out aloud, but I am desperately hoping for a girl. I can just feel the precious little one inside me is a boy though, and I feel ashamed that i might be a little disappointed at the birth.
I am heartened by your words though - and can understand how meeting our little person will wash away all these silly feelings and we'll just fall in love with him/her as our own child.
Thank you for such a beautifully articulated piece. - 12:21 AM
- Leigh said...
To be honest, I don't think I would have a preference if I was pregnant. I am not having kids for a few more years, but have had so many experiences being a nanny, that I know how to connect with boys and girls and know that they each come with something wonderful.
I think I would want a boy though if I already had a girl, or vice versa. But I really don't know. It's probably different when you're actually pregnant, but I just don't think I would mind either way, particularly during my first pregnancy. - 12:27 AM
- dizzy_izzy said...
For me having a child is not in the near future at all. I'm Mexican-American and within my culture and family I see that boys are revered and girls are kind of filler children. I have felt this in my own family, which is sad on the outside but only makes me want to have a girl even more. But I know that I am not my family and my own person so if I do ever have children and I happen to have a boy I will love him no matter what.
This was so beautiful! I love all your posts and especially love the ones about parenthood and Toby!
You seem like a lovely mother, Toby is just so lucky to have you and Alex as parents. - 12:28 AM
I have a LONG time before i have children considering i am only 17 and refuse to subject a child to a teem mom, but anywhooo when that day comes for me, having a baby and all, i hope to have a little boy because all my life has been female dominated and i've never really had males in my life. I would enjoy the challenge of raising a little gentlemen plus i like the baby boy clothes more than the girls :)
- Kristi said...
i have two gorgeous little boys whom i adore. still i feel like i am missing out on not having a girl. not having a daughter of my own. i thought that feeling would subside with time, well it has been three years since i birthed my second son, and i still have an ache in my heart for a girl.
- nadia said...
Oh how I feel this post was meant for me! I am 5 months pregnant and my husband and I have decided to keep the baby's gender a surprise until birth. Of course, like you said, having a healthy baby is first priority. And, like yourself, I've been envisioning a baby girl this entire time, dreaming about all the things you have mentioned.
This was such a beautiful and honest post and it's made me even more excited for the joy that is about to come in our lives. Thank you so much for sharing :)
xo Nadia - 12:47 AM
Ooo. What a good question! To tell you the truth, I'm 37, just married in October, and STILL terrified of having either! Children are wonderful, but I must confess to a selfish enjoyment of our delicious-lie-around-be-lazy Sunday mornings! Do you miss those times now that you are a Mommy?
- Elisabeth said...
I loved this post! Thanks for it.
I had always pictured (and hoped for) a girl. I'm close to my mother and grandmother, and I envisioned this beautiful female bond continuing with a daughter. When my husband and I found out we were having a boy, I felt surprised and disappointed. This feeling, and the associated guilt, would fade as I stared at the ultrasound of my little guy.
My son Max was born on New Year's Eve in 2009. I had an unplanned c-section, and I wasn't able to hold him for about an hour. When the nurse put him into my arms, I said, "Mommy's here" and he turned his head so quickly, startled, to stare into my eyes. He recognized my voice. This was absolutely one of the best moments of my life.
And yeah, I adore my sweet, loving boy! I go back and forth between trying to look beyond sex and gender, to really considering the differences and actually favoring boys now without meaning to.
Thank you for your new posts about motherhood. I'm so excited about Max, and it's fun to read about another mother's love. - 1:02 AM
Thank you for being so honest, it's nice to hear your secret wishes and then about them not mattering. I'm newly pregnant, and I'd have to say I'm leaning slightly towards wanting a girl. It's nice to be reassured I'll love my child whoever they are.
More important to me, is experiencing mothering both genders - I do think I'd be disappointed if I only had boys, or only had girls - or would I? I don't know now. I know a family friend who kept having boys, it took about 4 tries for her long-awaited girl! - 1:06 AM
What a lovely post, Joanna. Now that Toby is 11 months old means that I have been reading your blog for 11 months. Your posting that I first read titled "Toby is here" :)
Xoxo, michelle - 1:20 AM
I love my little boy, my great joy - I love getting a glimpse of what my husband was like as a child himself. We get the children we are meant to have. :)
- terry said...
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- Not your goddess said...
Thank you for a very sweet and honest post. I am up at 5 in the morning because of back pains, wondering if it's my little girl getting us ready for the birth. I have two boys who are very excited about becoming big brothers :)
When I found out I was pregnant for the first time I too was hoping for a girl, much because of the same reasons you talk about. But as you say, then HE came! And what a beautiful ride it has been. He is now almost five, his little brother just turned two and I know a heck of a lot more about pirates and superheroes than I did before... Now I'm nervous about knowing nothing about all the girly stuff! - 1:36 AM
- Stephanie said...
I commend you for being so honest about how you felt! However silly they may seem to you now, those feelings were very real to you at the time and there is nothing wrong with them. :) Toby is so lucky to have such a wonderful mama.
- Marissa said...
Our close family friends have three boys who I grew playing with and babysitting, which always made me want boys in the future because I love those little guys so much. But I'm sure I'd be happy with little girls too. They'll be so much more fun to dress up!
- sya said...
i'm married but i don't have a baby yet nor am i pregnant. but i do have a younger little brother whom i love to bits. he's so sweet, funny and kind. i would sometimes wish that he never grows up for fear he'll change someday. your little toby is so adorable and you're lucky to have him. coming back to your question, i would definitely be hoping for a boy although a girl would be just as fine
- Belén said...
I wanted a boy and my husband a girl.
When I was pregnant and I didn't know the gender of the baby I called him Jon (because it was the name I want it for him) and I was sure it was going to be a boy, well, obviously I was wrong and now I have a wonderful girl, Anne, and she is my life, when I have a bad day at work I have just to think about her and everything gets better.
Since she is in my life everything revolves around her and I also like to put my head close to hers when she is sleeping. - 2:05 AM
- Nora said...
I have three sisters and only female cousins. I grew up between many girls and loved it. Plus my mom and I are so close. So I always wanted to have a few girls and maybe later a boy. since i know how much my boyfriend wants a boy, I think it would be very cool to have a little boy. and having a matchbox or dinosaur in a handbag is much funnier than having a doll in a handbag. :-) but on the other side I think I would be very disappointed having only boys.
- miriam said...
Ok, i´ll write something too:) I love your post, Joanna! Thank you for being so honest and sweet.
I´m the fifth (and last) daugther, and all my sisters have kids already - i´m the aunt of 7 nieces and just 2 nephews. Everybody says we are GIRLY family - and they are little bit right... SO I´m really used to spending my time with girls - sisters, nieces - and I love it!! I always wanted to have a girl too. I was thinking - just like you, Joanna! - would I know how to raise a boy? How to talk with him? How to change his diapper? :)))
When my first nephew was born, I was like 13 years old - I didn´t think about it at all, but than... a year ago, my fourth sister (the one who is closest to me) gave birth to my second nephew, Andrew. And everything in me has moved, changed. He is our little sweet boy and he is just perfect. My sister is just wonderful in taking care about him and raising him! I realized that it´s something really easy and natural - it´s your baby! Doesn´t matter, what gender it is!
Oh my, sorry for such a long comment!! :))
I´ll be waiting for next motherhood-post! :) - 2:29 AM
I had very much the same feeling as you. I always pictured myself having a girl, probably because I am a woman and used to girly things. When we went to ultrasound and was told it was a boy I was not disappointed, but extremely surprised. How could it be that I was expecting a boy? And how would I be as mother to a boy, knowing so little about cars, sports and other typically boyish things?
When I had my son all these thoughts disappeared. I fell so in love with my little man and cannot imagine a girl now. I want another baby, and I would love to have another boy (now having a girl would surprise me). Funny, isn't it? - 2:53 AM
- irinka said...
This is the most beautiful and honest post I have read in a long time! Thanks, Joanna!
Amazing story, I'm typing this as my little 6month old son try's to chew his feet whilst watching me from the rug :) we didn't really know what we were having but as soon as we had a boy we were soooooo excited! He's amazing in every way I couldn't imagine having a girl now, but we'll see as hubby is up for trying for number two already! X
- Kimberly said...
Thanks for sharing Jo! :) I really really liked this post! it was really sweet and honest, and it makes me excited for when I have a kid.
- Mary said...
Hi Joanna
Firstly, I wanted to say that your piece is written so eloquenty! It is heartfelt and beautiful. Secondly, I love the photo on the top and I guess thirdly, my penny's worth... I don't have kids yet but I assume (crazy I know!) that I'll have one of each. I'd be really truly shocked if I didn't have the girl first. I picture loving them both equally though. After all, it's a honour to be a mother. As for whom comes first, well it remains to be seen! Thanks for your wonderful insight. - 3:35 AM
- Moonlight said...
I'm not really answering your question, but my mom was telling me the other day about how you love your baby, like it was not while it's still inside you, but more when it comes out, and you see for your own how much it needs you, that you grow to love it!
Anyway, most men want boys, but my dad wanted girls, he loved it, and boasted to his friends about "the joy of coming home after work and having your gilries hug you and calling you "pap'aki" (greek for daddy) and smile at you"! It think it's great! - 3:56 AM