text:
They can't handle me
Good morning.
Some of you questioned my math on the 10,000th comment yesterday. I'll explain. On any given day, we get comments for old letters -- not sure why people find the oldies weeks later, but they do. Also, on any given day, we delete a few comments because of bad words we didn't catch the first time around. The math isn't great, but at some point yesterday, my counter said 10,000. Old comments, additions, subtractions. That's how it goes.
Yesterday's letter was a good one. I liked it when people pointed out that third base might count as sex. Maybe it does. That's a debate for another day.
For now, we've got a letter about seriousness, sex, and being a "player." It's sort of a mess of a letter, but you can tell her what's what.
Q: Hi all,
I'm 29 years old, highly educated, with a great job. Happily single at this point, I might add. I am looking for somebody steady for a long-term relationship. However, it seems that every guy I meet does not want anything serious. I'm tired of hearing that. It was brought to my attention that I might be the one not wanting anything serious (subconsciously), and as a result, I project that feeling to guys. But that is not true.
When I meet guys, I can't be myself because they find me very intimidating and shut down. The confident guys who can handle me are usually players/cocky. Also, I should add I don't have a problem sleeping with guys sooner than would be "appropriate" (as social standards have it).
This brings me to my questions: 1. Do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to meet someone decent? 2. My sex life is very important to me, so I would like to evaluate my merchandise before I buy. What is wrong with that?
Feel free to express yourselves,
Amy, NY
Q: You gotta love the New Yorkers, right?
Amy, you're sending me a whole lot of mixed messages here. You love being single. You want a relationship. That's all fine. But I don't believe that you can't be yourself around nice guys without repelling them. It's one thing to be confident and extroverted; it's another to be a bulldozer who doesn't listen. These "players" put on quite a front -- it's a game to them. The fact that you're drawn to them makes me wonder if it's a game to you, too.
You can be secure and independent -- you can be yourself -- but you also have to work to get to know someone. If you're not asking questions and really paying attention, the nice guys will bail -- not because they think you're scary, but because to them, you'll seem like the "player." Does that make sense? You use the phrase "handle me." That's a red flag. Who wants to have to "handle" someone they're trying to date?
As for the sex, yes, there's still a ridiculous double standard when it comes to gender and sex. That said, if you're really looking for something long-term, you may want to wait until you really know someone before you "evaluate the merchandise." There's nothing wrong with evaluating -- I'm all for evaluation. But based on what you're looking for and the problems you've had, you should take the time to connect emotionally. That seems to be what's missing.
Readers? Can you wade through Amy's list of concerns? Is she a bulldozer? Share here. Submit a letter to the right. Relive the glory of the 10,000th comment here. Twitter here.
- Meredith
The problem lies in how Amy sees men (and I'm not saying that men don't do that to women at all). I find her phrase "evaluating the merchandise" very enlightening - it seems to me that to her, men are nothing but merchandise which will be another "thing" to add to her life, like a car or plasma TV. Yesterday, someone wrote about taking a car for a test drive as an euphemism for sex. Sure, sexual compatibility is important, but these phrases are a clear indicator that some people don't see other people as human beings first, but as objects they need to fulfill their love life. And in that attitude lies the problem. Change the approach and attitude to relationships and people, and it's quite possible that many of the problems will go away.
I don't think you can be in long-term-relationship-search-mode. I think it kind of just happens. You have to be yourself if you want a real long term relationship because you will eventually revert to yourself after being comfortable with someone. Also, I don't think us guys mind when you are "testing out the merchandise" so there is nothing wrong with that, just wait for at least a few dates before you go for a test ride. Too soon will make you seem like you are a player. Get to know someone more emotionally and then physically later.
Amy: Asks questions: 1. Do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to meet someone decent? Absolutely not. Never compromise yourself for anyone.
2. My sex life is very important to me, so I would like to evaluate my merchandise before I buy. What is wrong with that? People are not merchandise. If you do not like feeling like a "piece of meat" for sale try not to treat others in this way. You are attracting people that are similiar to your needs, which might needto be reevaluated if you want one thing and are acting another way
I agree that you cannot be searching for a long term relationship, it will happen on its own. If you are searching, then you will evaluate every guy within 10 seconds and make premature judgements. Just be yourself and it will come on its own.
When it comes to the sex issue, I will tell you from personnal experience that all of my longest and most loving relationships began with one-night-stands. I know it sounds crazy, but this is what I mean about not searching. I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time, had some fun, and when the guys called me back a few days later...well the rest is history. We just connected and so I am living proof that sex can happen before the relationship.
Have fun, and relax for now. As for being intimidating, I understand that also....I feel like I may have written this letter in a past life. Someone WILL understand your personality and when that happens, it will be perfection.
I think your problem is your attitude. You come off as self-absorbed and arrogant. Do you start conversations by telling people you love being single and are highly educated with a great job? I'm looking around the room for an exit and I was only reading your letter. I think you also have to look at where you're meeting people. It's difficult to make a real connection in a nightclub environment. When are you evaluating the merchandise - the first meeting? That's usually not the way to start a long-term relationship, but your mileage may vary. Do you really think every non-player that you meet is intimidated by you or are they turned off by your obnoxious attitude?
It almost sounds as if you yourself are the player. Is a serious relationship really what you want? That might be something you need to think about and be certain of. If you come across as a player perhaps that is why it is scaring away all the "good" guys. There is a fine line between confident and cocky and you have to be sure not to cross that yourself.
I think the whole sleeping with someone too soon rule is anitquated - I myself do not live by it and have had many serious long-term, meaningful, relationships w/ the guys.
So do some soul searching figure out what you want and it sounds like you are not shy about going after it, so good luck
I applaud you for writing in for advice. It could take 500 comments to cover all your issues. Please fasten your seatbelt and don your Kevlar vest. You are going to get pounded with words as opposed to what you usually get pounded with.
For the sake of full disclosure, I didn't even get past the third sentence in your letter. I didn't need to. Why do letter writers feel the need to sell themselves as fantastic as a preface for writing in for advice?!? Kudos to you for this gem: "Happily single and seeking a steady long-term relationship". Brilliant.
In terms of advice: I agree with your belief that you can't be yourself around guys. I would encourage you to "pretend" to be someone with an IQ and some semblance of humility and see how that works. Maybe that will cause someone to want to attempt to get to know you beyond a casual short-term interest in using you as a human pin cushion.
That's all the time we have for today.
- Hoss
I do think that sleeping with someone quickly (I am thinking first or second date quick) sends a clear signal and may lead to a respect deficit. Not saying it is right, but that is how it is. Get to know the guys first; certainly sex can wait until you have determined if he is a player or not. If you can't wait that long, I would advise you to just enjoy being single and stop trying to force yourself to be in finding the one mode. You have time for settling down.
A few things from this letter strike me as red flags. The line about guys being intimidated by you makes it sound like you are a tad overbearing and may need to take a course in the art of humility. Honestly, most women I meet who utter such proclamations end up being insecure, self-esteem challenged brats - definitely not the type one chooses when it comes time to settle down and invest in a relationship. If you are reveling in being more than most guys can handle, does that point to some deeper issue in your interactions with men? As it stands, you sound like classic player fodder; all players love a good challenge. They like moving on to the next one even more.
a new yorker... need i say more?
you sound pretty full of yourself... maybe thats a turnoff to "the decent guys"
Dating can take two forms in my mind - (1) for fun - where you are trying to just go out and/or hook up physically with people, or (2) find a long term partner based on criteria that you have determined through self reflection. Neither should have a stigma and are ok as long as that is what you truly want.
I suspect - however - a big part of your problem is that you are trying to do both on your dates instead of one or the other. In addition, when you are trying to take the #2 path, I don't have confidence you are looking at dating as a process. When taking the #2 path, it takes a lot of dates and time (often) to find the right person. Every date is successful when following this path, in a sense - you are either finding out the person isn't right for you, or finding someone with potential and building from there.
I would try and focus on what you are really trying to accomplish with your dates, and if you are taking the #2 path I sugggested above - you need to project yourself honestly or you will never be successful.
I have very little doubt, unfortunately, that this person was abused in some way as a child. Please seek professional help immediately.
I think this poster is really Arian from the reality show Tough Love.
I like how she gave us permission to "feel free to express ourselves". Nice. Thanks.
Date older men! They can "handle" you, are not afraid of "long-term" and are better at/not afraid of sex!
Wow, is it just me or does the original poster give off a bit of arrogance?
Drop the attitude.
"I have very little doubt, unfortunately, that this person was abused in some way as a child. Please seek professional help immediately."
Kind of jumping to conclusions, aren't you? It's perfectly healthy to have people who have a healthy appetite, male or female without them having trauma as a child and many people can't commit.
As a fellow girl...your letter makes me wonder what these guys have to handle. Like Meredith says, no one wants to have to handle someone they're dating.
What behavior do you display that makes guys shut down? Are you loud and obnoxious? Do you take outspoken to a new level? Are you abrasive, and do you mistake that for being confident or unique? You say you're highly educated and have a great job—are you constantly pointing that out to guys you meet?
In the same way girls don't like cocky, arrogant guys, guys dislike cocky, arrogant girls. Cocky and arrogant are different from confident. If you can identify what makes guys stop talking to you, try thinking about that behavior and consider why it makes them shut down. What you think is funny or attractive might just be really annoying.
Oh snap! Ok-well-welcome to dating .It has nothing to do with those who can't 'handle' you. It is the way of the dating world my friend. Ask around.
And why would you pretend to be someone you are not?
Just chillax (as my nephew says) and let it happen.
P.S. I always bring up Steven Carter and his books...check them out. There is a bit on commitment phobic types dating each other...
Kudos to Hoss. i have nothing for the NYer except for the fact that I pity the guy she ends up with, if she does end up with someone.
Here's the short answer, you're a high maintaince bitch. No man wants to be run into the ground by some bossy women. Sure, you're probably very attractive, intelligent, and indepedent. But what self respecting man wants to be run in circles by his wife? You seem to demand a lot, you sleep around. I doubt you can be trusted.
In other words, it's you, not the male gender. Maybe you should stop acting like a slut from Sex and the City. When your looks fade, and they will, you will just be an angry bitter wrinkled fat women, maybe then you will get your head out of your ass.
Amie what you wanna do?
I think I could stay with you
For an hour, not much longer if I do
Take the A train uptown and there you will find Alex Rodriguez at the hot corner. Now there's the guy for you. Here's your deal…and it's a Seinfeld episode…George -"I'm very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand? Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand - no hand at all." Amy, you're a delightful control freak and must have "hand" at all cost. The cocky guys want a subservient waif to rescue on their white donkeys. The nice guys are no challenge to you because very quickly there's no drama and therefore no angst to elicit your passion. The bad boys are afraid you might eat them (guyacide), so they want to play a little hit and run. You can't blame them for saving their own foreskin. Again, they want to be on top (it's on page 42 of the playbook for the practice squad). My prediction is that eventually, when you've chased all the boys away and you definitively "have hand"…"you're gonna need it!"
Hoss' comment was awesome. Simply, I have to agree. If respect is what you are looking for, you will need to find it from within before looking elsewhere. Additionally, you attract those people who are much like yourself - how could you want someone for a LTR when you're more interested in a 'quick fix'? Allow me to go one step further - get a vibrator and you will know what it means to be truly happy (you'll never be disappointed) and save the sex for much later - like after the first or second MONTH after dating.
Good luck with your future endeavors and God Bless America.
I sincerely wonder if the image that you are projecting is inconsistent with who you really are and what you really want. It might help if you got some observations from male friends about what you project and what might be a sticking point. I am not saying that you need to act like someone you are not. I am suggesting that some of what you are putting out is actually inconsistent with who you really are.
You aren't the only one who wouldn't marry someone they weren't compatible with between the sheets. There is nothing wrong, however, with figuring out if you actually like someone before you go there. It saves stress later!
Good lord. The advice is all over the map, and with good reasons. There are more mixed signals in this letter than on 95-N during that tanker truck accident earlier this week.
My thoughts (in random order)
1. When you have sex with guys doesn't matter. If a guy thinks that you go to bed to soon, or too late, you've found a serious incompatability. It doesn't matter who looks down on whom, you're just not alike in what many people agree to be an important area, timing.
2. Don't be fake. First of all, any experienced nice guy can smell fake from 3 barstools down. Whether you're trying to be nicer or more relaxed, or whatever, don't. Either you repulse them or they get a rude awakening later on. Whether you choose people more suited to your vibe or slowly change your way with people is up to you.
3. Players and nice guys are pretty much completely incompatible. You either have to want one or the other. Decide which you'd rather have around and change your approach/goals accordingly.
I sincerely wonder if the image that you are projecting is inconsistent with who you really are and what you really want. It might help if you got some observations from male friends about what you project and what might be a sticking point. I am not saying that you need to act like someone you are not. I am suggesting that some of what you are putting out is actually inconsistent with who you really are.
You aren't the only one who wouldn't marry someone they weren't compatible with between the sheets. There is nothing wrong, however, with figuring out if you actually like someone before you go there. It saves stress later!
Lot's of interesting things beneath the surface here, but I think my favorite is this one:
"My sex life is very important to me"
I would take this to mean something akin to you like to get your rocks off. That's fine, but you can't have it both ways. If you want to use sex to get off, ok, but then you can't always expect sex to turn into love-making, or a way to connect with another person on a deeper level.
To your own point, you have already "tried the merchandise" or whatever, and made up your mind about the quality of aforementioned sex and more importantly the person on the other end having it with you.
My advice would be to reevaluate just how important your sex life is vs. finding someone. By the way you sound increadibly self-absorbed and unappealing, so yes, certainly do focus on making your personality more likeable.
You can't play a playa Amy, and you are definitely a playa.
There's nothing wrong with trying out the merchandise, but the men who are looking for a serious committed relationship would not to be part of your trial run group.
Get serious about yourself and your goals and then look for men who want the same.
"I can't be handled, me so fiiiiine, it's your problem, world!!"
Good luck with that.
Happily single yet looking for a long term relationship?
Any "decent guy" will not want to "test the merchandise" because he'll be more concerned about the person.
You're snagging the "players" because you are a player yourself. You are more interested in the sex being good before you evaluate them for "long-term-relationship-potential." THAT's what players do....they want to know that the sex is good and comes often before they consider sticking around for a while.
If you're happily single as you said you are; then enjoy playing with the players.
If you're looking for a long-term-relations, as you also say you are, then you need to realize that as important as sex is to you, it's less important than the PERSON.
I say- go to the toy store and greet the next potential guy you meet without mentioning sex in the first 3 dates at least.
Amy, you mention that others seem to think it is you who is sending out the not-interested-in-a-relationship vibe. I think that might be true (if you absolutely, 100% believed it to be untrue, why would you even bring it up?) I'm sure you are a great girl who is highly-educated, however I know lots of girls/guys who are this way and never do they come off as "intimidating". I have to say, I doubt people are actually intimidated by you (people are rarely intimidated by people they have just met; how often does someone intimidate you?) and that maybe the problem is that you're coming off as thinking you're better than others. I doubt you do it on purpose; sometimes people try to show that they are well-rounded person yet instead they come off as condescending; please just watch to see that is not the case (I know I do not know enough about you or your situation to say that's true).
And for the sex matter; you can't control the way others feel about it or how they feel about a woman who has sex too soon. If a man has sex with you too soon, does it change your perception of him? Just keep that in mind; you've got loads of time to meet someone!
I love Hoss!
There is a subtle difference - a line - between self assurance/confidence and thinking you're "all that".
Sounds like you cross it a lot. Agreed with the above. Try some humility. Learning humility is not "changing yourself", it's learning to get along with others which is something you should've learnt a long time ago. A little humility might suit you, and will almost definitely suit your dates.
Compound that with the incredible mixed signals you yourself send, I'm not surprised that dates are deserting you like rats from a sinking sip.
Good luck, you've got a lot of work to do.
can i get your number?
You didn't make a mention if you consider yourself attractive. I'm wondering if "beer goggles" involved in the early evaluation of the merchandise. In other words, are guys leaving the bar with Beyonce and waking up with Tracy Morgan in drag?
As a former serial dater, I used to love to hear single women say "men just can't handle me". This is code for I am a bitch, probably a little bit crazy and a great lay. Immediately this would put you in my "Mrs. Right-Now" stack. Who knows, maybe after a few days of purient bebauchery something more could form between us. I doubt it, but we would sure have a hell of time trying to figure that out.
You are a gamer, you have game and I can handle you.
Friggin huge ego
But lacking in confidence
I'd be "worried" too.
I usually enjoy and agree with your comments, but I think you've been a little grumpy lately.
That said, I think he's mostly right. Amy, if when you act "as yourself" you seem to repel guys, than perhaps you need to take a closer look at yourself. I agree that you should never have to compromise yourself, BUT, maybe your true "self" is obnoxious and arrongant. Addressing that isn't compromising yourself - it's self improvement. There's obviously something about your behavior that is driving men away from you. Maybe you're behaving that way on purpose.
Someone else suggested counseling for you; that might be something to consider.
Good luck.
Hoss - have a good weekend. Get some sun. Hit the beach. Have a beer and a hot dog (or tofu dog if you're a vegetarian like me). See ya on Monday.
Ah, Amy, I used to have your problem. You should always be yourself. I didn't pick this up from your letter, but one my problems used to be that I looked down on men who couldn't "handle" me, either. I don't know what happened but I started being more compassionate towards men. I didn't feel like I was changing myself, a more compassionate me was just a better version of me. I stopped saying "men can't handle me," and started saying "we just didn't spark." Soon after that, a great man came into my life.
Meredith is totally right about waiting to have sex. You are, as a modern woman, entitled to have sex whenever you want it. But know that it will attract the un-serious guys. Or create them, even. That's just the way it is. I know, it sucks, but better to accept things as the way they are, and work with them, rather than expect things to change. Don't think of it as changing who you are or sacrificing yourself. It really isn't. You're still a person who has a lot of sexual energy and enjoys it, but that doesn't mean you need to go to bed with someone right away. Maybe get a FWB to keep you satisfied while you wait for someone special.
Wait to have sex and the guys who stick around will be the guys who can truly handle you and who will be interested in the long term.
I have a few comments-
1.) Keep your clothes on- guys will not date a whore who sleeps with them too soon.
2.) Maybe guys don't want to date you because your personality really sucks.
3.) I think most men want to feel like they are the men in the relationship, so perhaps the fact that you are acting like the dom turns them off.
4.) Maybe you're the one who's bad in bed.
Lord, every day valentino comes up with even better posts. #21 - val invented a new word, "guyacide." And he mentioned the "George wants hand" thing from Seinfeld! I can only imagine how much more sexily-intense val must be in real life. He gets to the heart of the matter in the heart of his sardonic wit, every day.
Now the O/P - I don't have a problem with sex, either. In fact, I'm still thinking about bagpiping and pearl necklaces. But it sounds like you are using your men the way some men use women (I had to Google "player," being an older broad). I don't think you have nefarious intentions. You are not ready for an LTR, and you certainly aren't ready for friendships within your own sex - if I met you and you gave me such attitude about your wonders, I'd go running. I don't think New York has anything to do with it, BTW. And nothing is wrong with you - you think you'd like to settle down, but you are still very immature. That's all, and it's not "right" or "wrong." Just lay of the Miss Wonderful drug, will you? It's unbecoming, especially from someone claiming to be "highly educated." You may have an education, but clearly you never received one in gentility.
Kind of arrogant - one step behind referring to herself in the third person.
I usually enjoy and agree with your comments, but I think you've been a little grumpy lately.
That said, I think he's mostly right. Amy, if when you act "as yourself" you seem to repel guys, than perhaps you need to take a closer look at yourself. I agree that you should never have to compromise yourself, BUT, maybe your true "self" is obnoxious and arrongant. Addressing that isn't compromising yourself - it's self improvement. There's obviously something about your behavior that is driving men away from you. Maybe you're behaving that way on purpose.
Someone else suggested counseling for you; that might be something to consider.
Good luck.
Hoss - have a good weekend. Get some sun. Hit the beach. Have a beer and a hot dog (or tofu dog if you're a vegetarian like me). See ya on Monday.
First be true to yourself. 29 is a good age to be figuring this stuff out. I had these same questions a little earlier and answering them gave me focus. What we all want is security and when we have seen the latest version of our plan for the future walk out the door the feeling, the need grows more and more. I suggest you stop looking. It's not a competition. There is no recipe. Be yourself. Join some career oriented groups in your field and mingle. If you have hobbies or enjoy outdoor activities go on group outings. My experience is that finding other focused like-minded people to hang out with will get you into a more stable pool of "merchandise". If you are high strung or overly demanding, maybe you need someone who is the opposite.
your attracted to dbags. stop dating slimey guidos with popped collars and fohawks. whut
must be a new york thing but what is the difference between educated and highly educated....was your formal education that much better than everyone elses? where they teaching you something no one else gets? or do you hold multiple doctorates and you graduated highschool at 10 undergrad at 12 your masters at 16 and so on and so forth or is that you are just a new yourker? maybe this is part of your problem....hmmmmmmmmnnnnnn me I pac my carr in havid yahd teddy please pass the grey poupon!!
As a native New Yorker myself, I must say that you all stop interjecting sports related bias to anything and everything.
That said, yes she does sound all over the place and confused. Probably a high maintenance and stereotypical woman who doesn't realize she is living the double standard.
If that is not the case, then I can relate as I have been dubbed "intimidating to men" several times in the past. The reason why I intimidate them is because I am an outspoken, honest woman who is not high maintenance, does not get offended, does not speak PC, and am confident in my own individuality and independence. This seems to put some men off because I don't fit the mold they are used to, expect, and/or have been taught to look for. I am not needy, a nag, nor am I overly emotional. But in my experience the guys who I intimidated were not what I was looking for in a man anyway.
So basically Amy's real question is that she does not know what kind of man she wants or that would best be a match for her. The players like you because you are a player. You can either find one and hope he chooses you for "forever" and stops playing the field (good luck with that). Or you can really put some thought into what you want in a man.
I always knew I wanted the strong, rugged, no BS type of guy who would help my father chop wood and also appreciate my secret romantic side. Sense of humor was a must of course because I love to make people laugh. He also had to be the type of guy who would step up to the plate to defend me and his beliefs when the situation called for it. No wusses, no laziness, and no games.
And guess what Amy, he found me! He reminds me all the time how refreshing it is that I am who I am and that we work so well together.
It is possible people!
Men don't want a slut for a girlfriend. Stop acting like one and you might find a man. Also you clearly like the jerks, over the nice guys. So since you prefer to be treated as worthless and treat yourself as worthless you should just accept your fate and become a hooker or stripper already.
Amy, might I suggest a craigslist ad to fulfill your obvious Domme fantasies?
You know you want to...
Read your letter imagining it comes from someone else and I think you'll find your problem. It looks at you in the mirror every morning. Once you decide to change and be more picky about who you date and know what you are looking for, you might have more success. In addition, long term relationships have a lot of compromise involved. The attitude you project is "my way or the highway". No one wants to put up with that crap, well, at least not beyond one evening of hot sex.
Your vagina won't stop working if you wait a few dates to give it up. Heck, it might even feel different if you build up a little anticipation.
I think you seriously need to evaluate your behavior on dates. It's one thing to be open to the possibility of sex right away and another to act like Randy Rachel. Your letter made me think of the women you often used to see on that 'Blind Date' show - you know, the ones with their cleavage hanging out who, 5 seconds after the date began, were on their backs on a bar doing body-shots? See, I don't think most guys have any real problem with girls who are willing to put out on the first date. But if you're really sexually aggressive and showcase your cavalier attitude towards sex (and btw, the whole 'testing the merchandise' thing is so incredibly tacky and makes you sound like a dirtbag), they may get the impression that you're just not the type to take home to mother. But guys just don't want the town bicycle for anything more than a ride. Is that a double-standard? I don't think so. I don't think women want slutty men any more than men want slutty women.
The easiest way for you to weed out commitment-phobic men is to, you guessed it, not sleep with them right away! Here's a novel idea - try to get to know someone's values and goals before you get to know his, er, other qualities. I understand that sexual compatibility is important to you, but do you really need to make it your number one priority?
As far as the bit about your being intimidating - it's really hard to comment on that without knowing what you mean. Do you mean that you're super loud and boisterous? Unusually opinionated? Bossy? Stubborn? Condescending or rude? Have an off-color sense of humor? Curse like a sailor? Act like a dog in heat?
What is it about you that you believe intimidates men?
You actually remind me a lot of myself when I was in my 20's Now at 37 I look back and am embarassed about the way I behaved and treated other people. I'm thankful that anyone was able to put up with me.
You need to be honest with yourself, and the sooner you do, the sooner you can start to make real connections with people and be a happy person.
You actually remind me a lot of myself when I was in my 20's Now at 37 I look back and am embarassed about the way I behaved and treated other people. I'm thankful that anyone was able to put up with me.
You need to be honest with yourself, and the sooner you do, the sooner you can start to make real connections with people and be a happy person.
When I was in my 20s, I had trouble on the dating scene. I would meet someone nice and we'd be getting along fine, until he asked me about my work. I was on the fast-track. I would talk about my career ambitions (yes, I was probably terribly arrogant about it), and shortly after, the guy would disappear back into the woodwork. It was frustrating.
Then one day I met a guy who wasn't put off by my career. We started dating. We got married. We had kids. We divorced, for incompatibility reasons. I had my blinders on and, other than the career part, he was just so wrong for me in too many ways to count.
Looking back I realize the mistake I made was that I spent too much time looking for the guy that would accept me just the way I am, and not enough time asking whether I accepted him for who he was.
So my advice is to turn this around. Stop searching for the guy who can "handle" you, and instead search for the guy who has X, Y, Z qualities that are important to you in a partner, and shares your same values and vision for a relationship. This will shift your mindset and your approach, and you will find you will be asking lots of questions and controlling the "interview" process, instead of being the one interviewed and feeling like you are damned if you just be yourself, and damned if you play a game. And as an added plus, since people really love talking about themselves, when you seem interested in people, they will in turn be interested in you.
Of course, for this to work, you need to really know yourself and do some soul-searching . We know sex is important to you, but … what else? There has to be more than that. Ask yourself what you want out of an LTR, what qualities in a partner would make you happy, and what you can bring to the relationship. Get specific as possible: "highly intelligent" doesn't tell us much, but "open minded, enjoys a lively political debate, and challenging myself to learn something new" tells us something.
Amy states "I should add I don't have a problem sleeping with guys sooner than would be "appropriate" (as social standards have it)."
What are the standards for waiting for sex today, 3rd date? 5th date? Back in the 1970s, it seemed that everyone in college was having sex by the 2nd date and there were no problems then. My guess is that Amy's meeting men at nightclubs and today's night crawlers are the wrong men to meet for that long term relationship. Go any place other than night clubs. Have friends introduce you to men. Hang out in the produce aisle. Get a gym membership and talk to guys you find attractive.
You're highly educated with a great job. What's wrong with telling the bloggers that? I don't think you're bragging about it; it's just a fact. When young people meet they typically talk about their educational backgrounds to see what they have in common. They also say "What do you do?" I'd be curious to know what the job is in order to give you more advice on where to meet men with which you may have a lot in common.
You do say "When I meet guys, I can't be myself because they find me very intimidating and shut down." That is probably the sentence to focus on. If you can't be yourself, who are you? Is it an assumed persona? Do you act like a Hollywood star, Lohan-like? If so, it could be very amusing to the right guy. What is actually intimidating about you? Are you incredibly beautiful, or do you start talking and never let the other person say anything and then you interpret this as intimidating? BTW, I've met and known many brilliant, beautiful women and most were very high maintenance. So what? Don't settle for Mr. Common who has no sense of humor and whose intelligence doesn't match or exceed yours.
Is "Randy Rachel" the alter ego of Rae?
I am VERY interested, baby! ;-0
Meredith nailed this one. "If you're not asking questions and really paying attention, the nice guys will bail -- not because they think you're scary, but because to them, you'll seem like a pain in the butt." OK. OK> She didn't say it exactly that way, but it's a more accurate assessment of the inference nice guys draw.
I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you aren't as arrogant as you sound, and that you are facing a fair challenge. I say that as a former single gal with a graduate degree. There are men that don't want a woman who is more educated or successful than them. I even took my grad degree off of my online dating profile. I think you need to be more humble and don't mention your education and job until further into the relationship. You should also seek out men that will be impressed, not threatened by your education and success.
Maybe if you show yourself and the other person a little more respect, you'll get some in return. if you're sleeping with someone without bothering to get to know them, that objectifies the person, and that's what you'll probably get back. sounds like you want a relationship but are not putting in any effort trying to know someone first before you complicate things with sex. no wonder you're single. you have a lot of growing up to do if you think relationships start the way you start them. sounds like you need to go to charm school too. i don't care where you're from, most men don't like to be around women who are as coarse as your letter comes across.
Chances are I would get food poisoning if made this broad a grilled cheese sandwich....
"Do you start conversations by telling people you love being single and are highly educated with a great job? "
She's not looking for dates here. She's giving background information in a letter to an advice column. What is she supposed to write? "I may or may not be over 30, I could have gone to school, I might be employed." ? You can hate on her as much as you want but isn't that how half these letters start? By the reader telling us about them?
#39 - "the dom"? Where in her letter did she say she was into dominance and submission? She may act dominant, as you imply, but she doesn't say so, and that lifestyle I bet is a whole lot different than the one she's been living. Dominants do, indeed, have humility. The L/W is not part of "the scene," as many call it.
And what's with all the reference to "sluts"? Are we still in the good girl-bad girl mentality? She likes sex. So what? It's how she treats all her gazillions of men with the sex is what matters.
I didn't really need to read anything beyond "I'm 29" to know what was going on here. She's scared to death to make herself vulnerable to men, afraid of getting hurt but at the same time she sees that big 3-0 ahead and thinks "What will everyone think if I'm not married by 30?" so she pretends to be looking for a serious relationship.
God help the poor men who have to date 29 years olds with a biological clock and a fear of being hurt. I'm so glad my DH put up with me!
Bottom line, she doesn't need a quick blurb from Meredith, she needs some long term therapy, to discover what she's so afraid of that she is putting up these walls of being "intimidating" and covering up a fear of emotional intimacy with a willingness to do it on the first date.
I was her, no doubt about it. I had to learn to face my fears and be willing to make myself emotionally vulnerable, to risk being hurt, to risk being rejected for being honesty and having weaknesses.
Poor Amy, one of two things will happen, she'll never learn and she'll be a bitter cougar in a few years, or she'll get some serious therapy and regret so much of what she missed while she was busy being intimidating.
You don't need to pretend to be someone you're not. If you are both decent and confident, there are probably men like that out there too. Not around every corner, of course. After all, experiences that breed confidence (perhaps I should say over-confidence) don't always foster personal diplomacy and empathy. But I believe there are people who do possess both sides.
And there's nothing wrong with evaluating sexual compatibility. Not considering it would be a mistake.
That said, Meredith's comment (who wants someone they have to "handle") resonated with me. There's confidant, and there's difficult. I've known a few egotists who, in denial about their own bad behavior, dismiss the difficulty others have with them with "Oh, they just can't handle me."
Look, you can complain about all the men in the world-- but the common denominator among all of them is you. That should tell you where to start looking for the problem.
I'm exactly in the demographic you'd want to date. I hate to break it to you, but this city is *full* of women who are strong, self-assured, successful, or whatever. My issue is that you all just *won't shut up* about how strong and independent and successful you are. News flash: men are trained to be independent from birth. We don't consider it something to be touted; it's about as surprising as having two arms.
The only reason you attract players is because you give off vibes that you'll sleep with a man quickly. The non-players can pick up on this too, but I suspect you're so strident and overbearing on so many other issues, we lose interest. The players stick around because they couldn't care less about your other issues; once they sleep with you, they're done anyway.
My current girlfriend-- the one I want to marry-- is very much a 'here's me with my strengths and my flaws, whatever.' It is *so* refreshing that I can barely believe my luck. You might try re-adjusting your perspective on life a bit more along those lines.
And by the way, we slept together on the first day we met. Like I said, that's got nothing to do with finding a relationship; everything else about her is what makes her special and makes me keep coming back.
HAHAHA...thanks for all your comments. I loved them all.
Obviously, I did expect these type of comments, but let me give you all some background on my dating life: two 4 year long relationships w/ two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again). Both relationships started as simply sex partners so I do believe it's doable to build a relationship like that and most of you agreed on that.
Now, as far as the comment of "men can't handle me" I was more refering to the fact of men, "expecting" a woman to act quite, proper and nice all the time (which i see a lot of females "act" it quite well). They get surprised (and can't handle) to see a woman (w/ a nice personality i should add) to be goal oriented and a go-getter and knows exactly what she wants from men. There's where the intimidation comes into play and where I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl". I feel the conflict mainly raises from being one person (the tough one) in the corporate world versus the other person (the sweet) in the real life...
Guys love my personality, never had a problem with that.
I would like to hear your feedback....so type away...:):):)
What a slag.
Am I correct in drawing a close connection between "highly educated" and "they find me very intimidating?" Do you find yourself having to pretend that you're *not* highly educated? Maybe you could find sufficiently highly educated men who wouldn't find you intellectually intimidating. Granted, many highly educated men don't exactly exude confidence in social situations, and they might find any strange woman to be inherently intimidating, but that's a bit more ephemeral. Once you're no longer a strange woman, you're no longer so intimidating, and you're able to be yourself throughout the entire process.
You have said that the non-player guys you meet find you "intimidating". I would recommend that you make some further efforts to find out why that is. If possible, see if you could arrange a "rehearsal" type date with a male friend, act as you would with a man you'd typically meet, and ask him for feedback on what he sees and hears. That could give you some clues as to where things are going wrong.
I understand what you're getting at with your first question, but I think it somewhat misses the boat. I suspect that the problem is not who you "are", but how you act. If you can change some of the ways you act without changing the core person inside, you may find that you have better results.
Happily single? Yet looking for a long-term relationship? There's a contradiction! These two things don't add up. Either you don't want to be single and you're trying to put a brave face on the situation, or you actually value your independence more than the sacrifices/compromises required for a long-term relationship. Which is it?
Secondly, if you're evaluating the merchandise sooner than what is appropriate (2nd date? 1st?), you're not spending enough time building up the emotional rapport needed to foster a long-term relationship. Some people here will call you a slut for that; I won't. But I will tell you you're seriously hurting your chances for finding love if you're more focused on lust. OF COURSE the guys you meet don't want anything serious. Your behavior won't attract someone looking for something substantial. This isn't about "double standards". This is about correcting a poor strategy that is not working.
You shouldn't pretend to be something you're not. The mask eventually falls off. Instead, be your true self, and you will naturally attract the right person for you. But if your letter does indeed reflect your true personality, that could be part of the problem right there. Your tone seemed arrogant, and while confidence is a turn-on, arrogance is a turn-off. As a single guy in the dating market, I can tell you your attitude would be enough for me to not as for a second date. No guy wants to get involved with a girl who is full of herself, regardless of how hot she is. That screams "high maintenance", and we don't want to waste our time on someone who is going to be a drain on our emotions...and our wallets.
Folks, stop feeding the troll.
This letter writer is as much of an attention seeking fraud as the "she wants kids, I don't...wait, I do want kids....we moved in too soon....no, she didn't...ok fine, I'll get her to sublet my place...we're headed for disaster...no we're not because I love her....I don't like the tone of your advice" rube from earlier this week.
There is a difference between being assertive and aggressive, and confident and cocky. This is cocky: "4 year long relationships w/ two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again)."
"knows exactly what she wants from men" ... you want sex. We got that. And it sounds like you are getting plenty of that anyway. What you also claim to want is a serious LTR, which you are NOT getting.
" I feel the conflict mainly raises from being one person (the tough one) in the corporate world versus the other person (the sweet) in the real life".... do you always want to be the tough, dominant one outside the office? Ask yourself that. Maybe it would be nice to let down your guard a bit once in awhile.
Is this chick for real??????????????
You cant turn a (garden tool) into a house wife!!!!!
Why buy the cow if the milk is already free?
Nr.46 ... I LOVED your comment...
I felt like I was the one to write that comment....you nailed it....I have the same qualities, i like to make people laugh and i'm very honest....
Thanks again for the comment...hopefully the right one will be out there...
here is your problem in a nutshell. You claim to be:
"highly educated, with a great job; happily single at this point; [men] find me very intimidating; [looking for] guys who can handle me; I don't have a problem sleeping with guys sooner than would be "appropriate"; two great guys who still care about me and want to get back together again; both relationships started as simply sex partners so I do believe it's doable to build a relationship; nice personality and goal oriented and a go-getter and knows exactly what [I] want from men; I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl; one person (the tough one) in the corporate world versus the other person (the sweet) in the real life...; Guys love my personality, never had a problem with that"
you need to learn a bit of humility... and maybe stop using the phrase "i might add" so much
Nicely put, Terminator. I feel I am a lot like Amy in many ways but that's some good advice.
Meredith, can you please get back to more serious relationship issues with the next letter? You know, with LWs that appear to have the capacity to love others and who are in genuine need of advice rather than just crying out for attention? Thanks and have a great weekend.
Rico loves New York...hates the Yankee's but still loves NYC!!!
Rico thinks you are right, you are sending mixed signals. You sound like many Women/girls Rico has known over the years so his advice will be easy. Rico thinks your taste in men is an issue, where you meet them, how you meet them etc...Sound about right? Does this sound familiar to you?
My "fill in the blank" fixed me up with a guy and we went on a date or two. He was a gentleman, and he was very nice and cute but last weekend I was out with my friends at this really cool bar and I met this other guy that was so hot and we started seeing each other so I am just going to let the other guy down.
Men and women both put on an act during the early stages of dating and it takes some longer than others to actually be themselves. It seems to Rico that Amy has some character issues to deal with. She is not exactly sure she wants that "nice guy" and keeps templting herself with the "players". Rico has friends that are those exact players you talk of so don't think Rico doesn't truly understand. Rico suggests that you wean yourself off the current group of friends or at least the activities they are including you in (bar hopping). Rico thinks a new outlook on dating and a new group of friends with different types of activities such as charity events or maybe some other type of group gatherings/socials. Maybe try going on a singles trip or just take seriously some of the set-ups you are most likely being subjected to.
On the set ups Rico also suggests you may want to get a recent photo of the person or at least have a chance to meet them in a social setting before actually dating since you sound like a difficult person to please. Rico understands this as Rico is tough to please as well. As for your sexual needs, Rico suggests you take matters into your own hands and explore yourself for now till you find someone worthy...Although a FWB's can be OK if it is just that and doesn't continue while you are dating others because that wouldn't be fair.
Amy, Rico is here for you, he feels your pain and he understands yoru dilemma. Start rooting for the Red Sox if you haven't already and good things will happen for you.
As always Rico sends his love and message to enjoy the weekend, it's going to be a real nice one...
Love and Hugs,
Go Red Sox!!!
RICO LOVES NYC...Gears not Gas
Amy, just look at all the guys here you've threatened by just being yourself. Maybe they want someone a tad more demure than you. Keep on trying, you never know who might turn up. There's some guys out there who can handle it.
why do men always get labeled as players when there's just as many women players out there too? in fact this young lady sounds like one.
and furthermore what exactly makes someone a "player"? that would be equally interesting to hear.
and furthermore my advice for this woman is to be herself, because that's the only way she's gonna find the perfect person for her.
Nr.46 ... I LOVED your comment...
I felt like I was the one to write that comment....you nailed it....I have the same qualities, i like to make people laugh and i'm very honest....
Thanks again for the comment...hopefully the right one will be out there...
Paco just read the LW's second post, and that just said it all right there. The bragging...the forced laughter masking her insecurity...Paco does not have to be a psych major to read her like a book.
Amy, it is clear that you're not interested in the opinions of others...save for trying to make everyone think you're awesome. Paco's advice: STOP OVERCOMPENSATING. Whatever your issues are -- and it's clear that you have some -- look into therapy if you honestly want to find a healthy relationship. You may ignore Paco if you like, but you are only hurting yourself.
"Two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again)."
OMG - Get over yourself. All the "additional" information you provided is useless. We get it, you are fabulous and men can't appreciate it. Are you looking for advice, or did you just want to complain about men? Also, to many others' point: you are not the only self-confident, successful woman in Boston, so maybe you should start looking at other areas of your personality that *could* be the problem, don't ya think??
"Two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again)."
OMG - Get over yourself. All the "additional" information you provided is useless. We get it, you are fabulous and men can't appreciate it. Are you looking for advice, or did you just want to complain about men? Also, to many others' point: you are not the only self-confident, successful woman in Boston, so maybe you should start looking at other areas of your personality that *could* be the problem, don't ya think??
You can't be who you really are with guys because you intimidate them. Pretend to be humble. When you're getting to know a new guy, instead of hitting them over the head with, "I was the top performing salesperson in a Fortune 500 company and earned top bonuses for the past five quarters in a row", try "I'm in Financial Services". You dig? Let him peel back the layers of the onion to find out who you are.
Of course, sex is important. We all want the Big O and to be spiritually transformed by the most amazing sex we've ever had. But if your experiences with bedding first and asking questions later has not yielded the results you wish for, try a different approach. A successful person is someone who is able to learn from their mistakes/missteps in life, and learn from their own personal history so they are not doomed to repeat the same thing over and over again.
Be someone you would want to get to know better. Be interested in the other person instead of hitting him over the head with how great you are. Nobody wants to get to know a braggart because it's boring.
Amy from NY - your last name doesn't happen to be Fisher, by any chance?
"...two great guys who still care about me (and may I add, want to get back together again)."
As I said before, you have an over-inflated ego - get over yourself.
The "nice" guys are staying away because you are a crazy person - it has nothing to do with you being aggressive. Believe me, there are plenty of nice guys out there who would love to be controlled by their women.
I think you are sending out mixed signals and that is attracting the cocky guys and scaring off the intimidated ones. There's nothing wrong with holding back until your gut tells you it's safe to be aggressive in bed and/or waiting for an appropriate time to show how smart and confident you are without coming off as arrogant.
A little self-analyzing is needed here. Getting to know someone should be like peeling an onion: layer by layer. You don't need to put every thought and mood out there the moment you have them.
1. Do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to meet someone decent?
If only. What you need to do is much more difficult. You need to change. For a start, you are no kid. So stop thinking of yourself as great simply because you meet your parents' expections for you (highly educated with a great job). That works fine in 6th grade, but you are an adult. Your problem is not over confidence. Your problem is that you pat yourself on the back for doing everything your parents told you to do. Grow up and take a risk or two. You will be less boring and perhaps find a relationship along the way.
Meanwhile, here is a tip. Never refer to yourself as "highly educated, with a great job." I have multiple degrees and earn +300K, like a few hundred thousand other people in this part of the country. I would gag on your words.
A confident, strong woman who is straightforward, evaluates sexual performance, and has a great job is intimidating to the vast majority of men, as you can see from threatened male responders on here. Men are ego-driven and worried about inadequacies being revealed and appearing emasculated in front of their peers.
One can be happily single and want a long-term relationship. I don' t find that to be a mixed message. It's better than thinking a man is needed to "complete" oneself.
I do wonder how you are defining compatibility, and what places you are going to meet potential partners. Many successful, well-off men in their late 20s and early 30s are not looking for serious--they want to have fun, and why not? Why get tied down? However, if they meet someone who shares a deep interest or passion, they will be highly interested in furthering the connection. What are your interests and passions? Follow those, and the rest will fall into place including meeting a man who is emotionally secure.
Oh Lordy.
Step 1: Find your soul. Talk to an old friend, your mom, etc ask them what they think of your lifestyle. Find out from others if you have a bad reputation around town. Realize they're probably right.
Step 2: Start treating your body like a temple. To do this, take a break from sex for 90 days. Sex will still be there when your cleanse is over, but this break will allow you to clean out your roster of men.
Step 3: Realize that your education and career would never scare away the right guy.
Step 4: Get out of the VIP club scene. Form real friendships with people who only have your geniune best interests at heart.
Step 5: Focus on other people in the world. Realize the insignificance of your own.
I don't have any advice because the letter is a guy (Rico?) getting ya-ya's off over battling with LL commentors. Muckrackers need not apply.
p.s. LW is almost as annoying as this reindeergirl person.
You can't handle you. Not men. You're a classic case projector... you like to think that men can't handle your personality or your education, and that in turn feeds the way you approach the relationship. As usual with these "I'm too independent of a woman" scenarios, it's all on you and your misguided projection of what you believe men see in you. Or, actually, more to the point, what you WANT them to see in you. You want men to feel overpowered by your 'high education', and would cut off any man who dares not be impressed or, forbid, could actually match wits! You want men to be awe-inspired by your clever, original, strong-willed, whatever... And yet, you pity the ones who are, and fear the ones who are not. (honestly, just take a sec to let that last line sink in a bit...)
The guy you really want is going to be too strong for your personality. You do want battles, but only the ones you're assured of winning. Once truly challenged, you probably shut it down on your end. You'll most likely fit the classic case of eventually settling on beating down a sap with decent to above-average skills in the bedroom. You'll force issues and create the battles so you can kick him around a little, show off the pants, and then await his feeble, misguided attempt to make it up to you... Happy Hunting!!
What is your phone #? I have Merchandise
64. " There's where the intimidation comes into play and where I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl". "
Please takes Hoss' advice and return your tray to the upright and locked position, fasten your seatbelt and don some kelvar because you are about to get some reality.
WTF?! Ever think you are over-playing your hand and the nice, smart, highly educated guy you are looking for sees right through this game play? Instead of pretending, manipulating, posing, acting (AKA gaming like a player), why don't you just be yourself and see where the chips fall?
You see, I've got enough game to get you. I have so much game I might even pretend to be intimidated by you to see if I can get you to act all "nice-girl". Then I know I have you and we are going to rock it later tonight. That's when I have what I need for the night and maybe I can even add you to my rotation...
"...in every game and con there's always an opponent, and there's always a victim. The trick is to know when you're the latter, so you can become the former."
Stop playing games
It sounds like the problem is you. Even if someone was willing to overlook the fact that you a self absorbed B!@#H, you are clearly very permiscuous. Which, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. However, if you think that decent guy is going to want to take you home to meet Mommy, you are mistaken. It doesnlt matter how good looking you are or how much money you make, most guys "really like" the easy girls (like you) who put out early, but they will only truly love someone that they respect. Try gaining their respect before giving it up. You may see a change in the types of guys you are meeting.
Ooops I meant in New York, or Northeast or whatever. Which brings up the point, why are you writing letters to the Boston.com advice columnist? Go away.
So basically, you lied in your initial post. You claimed that you just couldn't find a man who could appreciate your heavenliness. Yet in your second post, you claim that there are actually two men vying for the opportunity to kiss your winged feet and place their gonads in the palm of your porcelain hand. You seem to have absolutely no purpose in writing other than to whine and thump your chest.
Get ahold of yourself. Your arrogance and self-importance are tangible through your original letter and update. I suspect - and hope - you will look back on this letter in 10 years and cringe at how awful you sound. But you will only cringe if you get a grip and work on maturing.
It's quite evident from your writings why men are repelled by you. You're difficult. You're self-centered. You're selfish. A relationship should be easy, mutual and selfless. Looks like you've got a long way to go.
I know plenty of men who have dated the proverbial "you." When they finally escape, they feel as if they dodged the biggest bullet of their life and are eminently grateful to learn that there are nbright, interesting women out there who want to make a relationship easy, mutual and selfless.
I wish I had more eloquent advice. I am normally a very sympathetic and understanding person. But all I can say here is...please! Get ahold of yourself!
You can't be who you really are with guys because you intimidate them. Pretend to be humble. When you're getting to know a new guy, instead of hitting them over the head with, "I was the top performing salesperson in a Fortune 500 company and earned top bonuses for the past five quarters in a row", try "I'm in Financial Services". You dig? Let him peel back the layers of the onion to find out who you are.
Of course, sex is important. We all want the Big O and to be spiritually transformed by the most amazing sex we've ever had. But if your experiences with bedding first and asking questions later has not yielded the results you wish for, try a different approach. A successful person is someone who is able to learn from their mistakes/missteps in life, and learn from their own personal history so they are not doomed to repeat the same thing over and over again.
Be someone you would want to get to know better. Be interested in the other person instead of hitting him over the head with how great you are. Nobody wants to get to know a braggart because it's boring.
I don't even know where to start! First, please stop lying to yourself and all of us. You are absolutely not happy being single. No one who is completely happy with their life the way it is seeks to change it. You want a long-term relationship because you are lonely and insecure being single. You claim to be happy being single so you can keep up this "I'm a tough chick attitude"--- no one here is buying it.
Secondly, you are describing yourself as intimidating. FYI--- in this context, that word is synonymous with another word... starts with a B ends with an ITCH. People are not intimidated by your great job, your great car, your great life blah blah blah, people are put off by your lousy personality. My guess is you make people think you are better than them, and no one wants to be around someone like that.
Lastly, nothing is wrong with evaluating merchandise before you buy it, but these are people you're talking about, not things. Start having some respect for yourself, stop sleeping around on first dates and find out who people are before you try and find out what they can do for you. And please, deflate your ego before you float away. Seriously.
I'm guessing you're pretty hot-looking.
If you act like a player / cocky and are gravitating towards hot guys who are players/ cocky, then that's what you are going to end up with.
If you want the nice sensitive guy, you have to be a nice sensitive girl. Unfortunately, I don't think that's who you are. You come off to me as aggresive, demanding and probably a little bit beotchy. Take a look at who you are and what you want and try the best you can to reconcile that.
Good luck.
After reading your follow up, I don't understand the question anymore. Guys love you. Your exs want you back. They love your personality. You are apparently fantastic.
So you CAN have a relationship, which you claim to want, but you really don't, do you? Or you just don't want the exs? So why can't you find someone new if your personality is not the problem? I understand that whole "independent, strong, no-bullshit woman", I consider myself to be one, but I have found that many guys appreciate that in a woman.
What is the problem????
Let me quote your added comment...
They get surprised (and can't handle) to see a woman (w/ a nice personality i should add) to be goal oriented and a go-getter and knows exactly what she wants from men. There's where the intimidation comes into play and where I feel like I have to pretend to be a "nice-girl".
There's nothing wrong with being confident but you are coming off as arrogant. The difference is not what you think of yourself, but what you think of others. You sound like you think you are better than others - in particular the men you date. (You might disagree that you think you are better than others. I have no idea what you think. I only know how you appear from your comments/letter).
Men want to be with someone who makes them feel good and special. (As do women, of course). If your vibe is "I am better than you", you are going to turn many good people off. You can be yourself. You can be a goal-oriented go-getter. None of this mean you can't be "nice", though. Respect the men you date. Listen to what they have to say, and validate their opinions and points of view. (I'm not saying have to agree with everything your date says, just try to see where they are coming from).
Re: Your comments in #64. I think you know what you need to adjust/change in order to find a guy that is real relationship material. You just need some ideas how.
I think that there is a persona that is appropriate in the corporate world and a persona that is appropriate in your personal life. Often, what works well in corporate life is repellent in your personal life. I know that the men I meet who are in high level positions can often come across as narcissistic or unable to give emotionally.
In your personal life, you need to be able to show that you can be fully present in this moment, and are ready and willing to occassionally let work take a back seat to your personal life. A good relationship is fully mutual. You also need to be able to demonstrate that you are able to listen and to negotiate and have patience.
I can't tell you specifically what you need to change. But you are on the right track to realize that there is a you in there that is completely separate from your work and your career.
Oh Amy, nobody writes to a relationship columnist if they're happily single. Stop lying. You're about to turn 30. All five of your closest friends are probably married. Maybe two of them have had babies. You feel left behind. The past 3 years have flown by and mid-20s career girl has suddenly become almost-30 desperate girl. Your 'Sex in the City' lifestyle of the past 8 years has left you felling empty and alone. You want to snag an impressive boyfriend to show off to your friends but the only ones good-looking enough are not interested in a relationship, and the ones who do want a relationship look old enough to be your uncle. My advice? Find a Delorean equipped with a flux capacitor and enough plutonium to go back to 2004. No guy wants a cocky, slutty, desperate 30 year old. You blew it.
"I can't be myself because they find me very intimidating".
Please don't confuse intimidating with annoying.
Amy, you may be "highly educated" and "29 years old", but you still have a lot of growing up to do. While men may love to sleep around if given the opportunity, many would prefer to be in a relationship with someone they love and admire. I doubt they think much of a woman who gives it on a first date. When you're tired of good ole' Amy, maybe you should try being a lady for a change: being more feminine, listening more, and holding out for a guy you find worthy, not just any Darwin or Snicket in a no-name bar. Darwin may think you're fun, but he ain't gonna bring you around to his mama.
Every woman I've ever met who has claimed to be "intimidating" is really just terribly annoying. Usually, they actually come across as insecure and abrasive, as well as untrustworthy. The same goes for guys, of course - there is a not-so-fine line between being confident and being cocky and unpleasant, as everyone else has pointed out. Trying to make other people feel uncomfortable also is not a sign of self-assuredness.
I wonder how many girl-friends the poster has? I wouldn't be at all surprised if the answer is very few, but if you do - are they all just like you, too intimidating for nice guys, or do they manage to be both confident and kind, and attract men who are the same? I am a pretty confident woman, but I also don't think I'm better than anyone, especially those people I know or want to know. I listen to people, to my friends and boyfriend and family, and I have healthy relationships because of it.
Stop being so unnatural and self-righteous in your behavior, and hopefully you'll find that people respond kindly. In bocca al lupo.
Do not waste the pretty.
Soon your friends will all be married, with kids, living in the burbs. It's not fun to be alone in your studio apartment, with your dating pool shrinking faster than you can imagine.
(Oh, love) Love is just like a baseball game
Three strikes you're out (Three strikes you're out)
Whether you win or lose
(Oh, love) Love is just like a baseball game (Is like a baseball game)
Three strikes you're out
Everybody's got to pay some due
I completely agree with Jetta. You are clearly very arrogant. While it's doubtful that men are intimidated by you, it is likely that they do "shut down". They shut down and don't want anything serious because they are "just not that into you". Did it ever occur to you that they don't want anything serious with you specifically but would welcome a serious relationship with a less obnoxious person?! They may actually be "decent" guys who simply aren't into YOU. I don't blame them. Women often complain that they are turned off by a man's cockiness and arrogance. The men who you meet are probably turned off by your cockiness and arrogance. I'm a woman and can't imagine hanging out with you as a friend.
please stop posting letters written by attention whoring losers, and stick to folks who have real issues.
This chick is a joke. Amy, I've got some news for ya. Your ego is disgusting and ugly. Guys hate a girl with an over-inflated sense of self worth (really). Give it ten more years when you're still alone, knocked down about 20 more pegs and come back and complain about men, like they're the problem. A real man wouldn't put up with your act for two seconds, and that's why you can't find one. They are not intimidated, they are TURNED OFF. Huge difference.
It's a universal truth: water seeks its own level. If you're a quality woman, you'll have a quality man. We all attract what we deserve. If you do not like what you're attracting, you need to change who you are for the better so you get something better.
you are probably hot.
but seem to be a bubble head.
definately divorce material down the road.
cosmos and newbury street (or the new york equivalent) will only lead to disaster in your case...
grow up.
This girl is a joke. Seeking refuge in the loving arms of another gassed up wingbat from NYC (#46) that she "relates" to, while continuing to promote herself as very likeable person is almost sickening. She posts a question to an online blog desperately seeking advice and then laughs at the critical responses she received as if she couldnt care less. The false bravado is pretty pathetic. You need to re-evaluate your attitude towards yourself and others, find what is really important to you and make the necessary changes that would be sure to follow. Honestly, I wouldn't date you with someone else life. Your attitude reeks.
PS- Hoss is the boss
Wow this just seems bass ackwards....
NEVER pretend to be somebody you are not...Why would you do that? You're not being fair to yourself or your prospective partner.
Have you ever heard....Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?
Lock up those knees and just chill out. You'll find somebody eventually. Perhaps you're one of those super good looking girls that men find "intimidating". If this is the case, maybe you're just coming across like a total bitch that's so hot she's out of reach for the average guy. Wherever it is that you meet people maybe try another venue? If you go to a dude/tool bar you're going to get a dude/tool.
Lastly, why give it up so soon? Just saying because you want to know what you're going to get is so not an excuse for being easy. If you're in this for a long term relationship just why not just wait a little bit?anon in cambridge
One more thing real quick.
You state that you 'know exactly what you want from men'.
That says it all right there..........your standards are obviously too high.
You want the hot guy who's 6 feet +, has a huge member and can sexually satisfy you in every imaginable way, while rubbing your feet and feeding you grapes as a group of cherubs play chamber music and frolic naked in the background. Oh, and he has to have money and a cool sports car, preferably a Vette or a tricked out Mustang.
Aaannnnd...he has to be sensitive and caring.
Good luck.
You want to meet someone decent, but you don't seem to realize that a guy who is "decent" probably wants a woman who is too. Do you care about the world around you? You have a high-powered career. That's great. Do you, or can you, put those skills to use to benefit others to, in your free time? Would you enjoy doing that? If not, you have something of a double standard -- you want a partner whose kindness you have no interest in imitating. Think about what would like in a partner in terms of personality, and don't be afraid to make yourself a better person along the way. Every one of us could use to do that.
I am about your age, I'm a woman, and I agree with most readers here that most men (including "nice" ones) do not respect women who sleep with them quickly. It's an unfair double standard, but it's 100% true. Consider a battery-operated friend, and take your time with guys. At the risk of cliche, you'll appreciate the experience more if you (and they) anticipate it.
Believe it or not, there are highly educated women in powerful careers who date successfully and find wonderful partners and, ultimately, spouses. It's nice that you are not uncomfortable being single, and it's not illogical that you would like to find love even so. But think about who you want to be as a person, and concentrate on that. Then let everything fall into place.
Good luck.
Amy, I think this may be a New York thing. I am originally from New York too (Brooklyn), I'm in my early 30s, and I can relate to both you and #46 and your experiences. I was not turned off by either of your descriptions at all, I would probably describe myself in similar ways, and you sound like the kind of girl who I'd really enjoy being friends with.
Funnily enough, I've ended up with an amazing boyfriend who was born and raised in MA. I was not looking for a relationship at all, but now we've been together for almost two years. I wish you the best of luck and hope all these comments have given you some food for thought.
"Guys love my personality, never had a problem with that." (Amy, #64)
OK - She needs women friends. To start, how about that L/W from a few weeks back who doesn't like women friends?
Almost as annoying as this Gilligan, I mean bob dwyer, person.
This girls new comments make her sound even more narcissist and she comes across totally exhausting to be around. Who can get a word in edgewise with all her blabbing about how great she is all the time. Pray she spares the single males out there and goes back with one of these alleged boyfriends that still adore and want her back so badly. Go back to New York - please! Cant imagine even having to work with her. What a conceited witch! BTW, if she's so educated with such a successful job, why her sentence composition so horrible? She compose sentences like a 14 year old. Whoever said signed "I cant stand this broad", you got that right. The epitome of a broad, for sure.


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62 Tips on Effective eLearning Instructional Design
January 21, 2013
Contributing Editor, Karen Forni
It's easy to be overwhelmed by the new learning technologies that become available every day: mobile apps, 3-D virtual worlds, geolocation, MOOCs, new development tools, and on and on. But despite the allure of these toys and shiny objects, the success of any eLearning project rests primarily on effective instructional design, not on any mix of technologies. Only eLearning that addresses the needs of learners and stakeholders—and does it in ways that facilitate learning transfer, knowledge retention, and skills development—has any significant value.
You need expert help to get past the distractions. This eBook features tips from 62 from top eLearning professionals and instructional design experts, offering guidance in areas including:
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A federal appeals court sided with Shell Oil in a lawsuit disputing approval of the company's plans to drill three wells in the Chukchi and Beaufort seas off of Alaska's coast this year. The court said the Minerals Management Service properly considered the environmental effects before it cleared Shell's project.
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Even in Paris, some hotels seem more Parisian than others. The Hotel Westminster, despite its regal English name, is such a place. Intimate, close and convivial, from the Haussmannian facade to the flowered, serene patio, the property exudes a joie de vivre. Located amongst the prestigious addresses of the high fashion and jewellery district, the four-star Hotel Westminster is a stone's throw from the Place Vendome, the Opera and the Tuileries gardens. For more than 200 years, the hotel on calm and quiet La Rue de la Paix has welcomed everyone from royalty – like the Duke of Westminster, from whom it takes its name – to those wanting to discover the art of living.
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WHITEHALL, Wis. — A driver's education instructor has been cited for drunken driving in Whitehall.
Authorities say the woman was driving the student car when she was spotted weaving and crossing the center line on a street in Whitehall Sunday about 8 a.m. A police report says the woman pulled into a Kwik Trip parking lot where she met four driving students.
An officer approached her and asked if she had been drinking. The woman told the officer she had taken medication that morning and that was the reason for her driving behavior. WKBT-TV (http://bit.ly/1eR7bTp ) says the officer performed a field sobriety test and arrested the driver on suspicion of operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated.


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From the Publisher"This all has the refreshing spontaneous unforced high weirdness of the weirder Monty Python sketches, and it will reset your freakiness thermometer to a higher threshold than you thought possible."—Cory Doctorow
"As pointed as it is random . . . Goats pulls off the difficult collision of the significant and the silly. . . . Jonathan Rosenberg's subversive, metafictional multiverse is no more chaotic or absurd than the real worlds it's made up of, and he rules it with a deft hand."—Stewart O'Nan, author of Snow Angels
"Jonathan Rosenberg has perfected a concoction of bizarre plot developments and quietly absurd dialogue."—Scott McCloud, author of Understanding Comics
"When Jonathan Rosenberg toils for our amusement, he hits the mark unerringly–and he doesn't have the simple decency to make it look difficult."—Jerry "Tycho" Holkins, co-creator of Penny Arcade
"The most important book about talking fish with imaginary girlfriends you'll ever read . . . a comic work of genius. I commend it to you highly." —Charles Stross, author of Halting State


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Herb and Garlic Marinade
Note: This basic marinade, also good with chicken, imparts a bright flavor and keeps meats moist. It's perfect for grilling and also enhances the flavors of fresh vegetables, tofu, and soft cheeses. The marinade doesn't work well as a sauce, so discard it before cooking.
- Yield: Makes 3/4 cup
Source: Martha Stewart Living, July 2003
- 2 to 3 tablespoons rice vinegar
- 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
- 1/2 cup mixed fresh herbs, such as oregano, thyme, savory, sage, parsley, and rosemary, coarsely chopped
- 1 teaspoon coarsely chopped garlic
- Zest of 1 lemon (1 tablespoon)
- Coarse salt and freshly ground black pepper
- Lemon wedges, for garnish
Whisk together ingredients in a nonreactive dish.
Reviews (1)
bug32 10 Aug, 2009
How can 3 TBL of vinegar and 1 tsp of olive oil add up to 3/4 cup of marinade. Mixing in the herbs would just make the herbs wet, what's left to do the marinating?


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Read entertaining & informative articles…
Click on the image link above for recent Aero History News!
Read Aviation News, News, News, News, Aviation News, Read
John Stemple has posted a magnificent book review on a book about the fearless Americans who flew in WWI with the Royal Canadian Air Force. It (the review) is a must read. John will let you know if this book by Gavin Mortimer is worth investing your time and money. Mr. Stemple is an aviator and an internationally renowned award winning aviation writer with 20th Century Aviation Magazine. He is very talented and a gifted photojournalist.
BIG NEWS on WarbirdWednesday! Commitments are coming in for military static displays for #SNF15 and there will be some amazing aircraft on display this year! First on the hit parade is the F-22 Raptor! This will be a static display only, mind you: the way the Air Force plans demo teams, you can have the Thunderbirds or the F-22 Flight Demo team, but apparently not both. So this year we'll have the Thunderbirds in the air and the Raptors on the ground. We'll be announcing more aircraft soon, so stay tuned. And remember, with all military aircraft especially, last minute mission requirements can alter or cancel their appearance at the last minute. That being said… we can't wait to see the Raptor back at Sun N Fun this year April 21 thru 26th…
…USAF Thunderbirds exhibition Flying Team…
First time in the U.S. The Breitling Jet Team will appear at Sun 'n Fun 2015.
The Breitling Jet Team is the largest civilian aerobatic display team in Europe. Based in Dijon, France, it flies seven Aero L-39 Albatros jets. The team flies a display lasting 18–20 minutes that includes formation flying, opposition passes, solo routines, and synchronized maneuvers. The team performs across Europe and the Middle East, with multiple engagements per year, including international airshows and Breitling corporate events. The Breitling Jet Team was established in early 2003 with four L-39s. With the addition of two aircraft in 2004 and three in 2008, the team now has a total of nine jets. The Team's roots go back to 1980.
The Geico Skytypers Aerobatic Team arrive to practice at KLAL this week. Over Lakeland, Florida
Sun 'n Fun 2015 is coming up April 21 thru 26. Have you made your plans to be here in Lakeland Florida for the best International Expo and Fly-in and Airshow? I hope I'll see you there, Wow what a BLAST it is every year, but this year is going to be special… THE BEST ONE YET, Just you wait and see…
Great Read for those who are interested in Aviation History as we are!
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Will my tree survive?
philly_kid(z6 PA)August 28, 2013
I have a Liberty apple tree that I planted last fall after receiving it "feathered." There were actually two or three apples on it earlier this year which dropped during the summer. Last week I came out to find this.
with these on it...
I now see that there are some leaves starting to come out. Is there a chance that my tree will survive? Anything special I should do?


text: I stayed at the Lodhi for four nights this past February. I can't say enough about how enjoyable my stay was. My room was very spacious with a sitting area and each room has a private plunge pool. I also had a sink, mini-bar, and vanity mirror in the closet area. There was a shower and large soaking tub with... More


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The world of all things computer is not always a happy one. You may have arrived here stressed, frustrated, angry, or distraught - we understand, we're empathetic; it's our job to help with that. True to the stereotype, we Canadians say please and thank you between every sentence, in return please be nice and we'll move a mountain for you. You won't need to shake a fist or play the "or else" card to get attention here.
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Usher and Rick Ross? I like. Usher's next project sounds like its going to be crazy! Usher – Lemme See Ft Rick Ross
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Choose Praise
Today's Truth
Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18, NIV).
Friend to Friend
Our grandson Justus participated in his first 3K race last month. Justus is five years old. I am in awe of him at this point in life for many reasons, but running a 3K? Wow!
Our daughter Danna and her husband Sam were running the race for a local charity and Justus wanted to run the race with them. Danna and Sam were skeptical.
"Son, there is a special race for all of the kids. Don't …