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Downton Abbey Portrays Reality of Interfaith RelationshipsBy Gerri Miller
Go inside Season 5 Episode 9 where the story line of Atticus and Rose's interfaith relationship comes to a head.Go To Pop Culture
Category Archives: Musings
Our Rainbow Connection
When I see a rainbow, Kermit the Frog singing "Rainbow Connection" comes to mind every time: "The lovers, the dreamers, and me…"
On our family's winter vacation we spotted an amazing rainbow running down the side of a mountain. It was truly breathtaking and left us oohing and aaahing. We were the lovers and the dreamers in that instant. I didn't think to say either the Shehecheyanu or the prayer to be said upon seeing a rainbow: We praise You, Eternal God, Sovereign of the universe, who remembers, is faithful to, and fulfills Your covenant with and promise to creation. We just gaped with open mouth in wonder at the beauty of creation. No words had to be said in that instant. We all felt our connection with each other and the One.
However, upon reflecting on that sighting, it would have been cool to mark the moment with Judaism by calling upon ancient words that are ever-new. So, I say them now to myself as my house hums with the noise from my dog's collar and the peace of sleeping children.
What about the rainbow being a symbol of our covenant with God? God shows Noah the rainbow in the clouds as a sign of God's covenant with humankind that never again will there be a flood to destroy them (Genesis 9:8-17). After Katrina, we can only wonder what a flood covering the earth must have been like.
The covenant was made again at Mt. Sinai when Moses delivered the 10 Commandments. It is thought and taught in Judaism that every soul was present—even those who were yet to be—at that most awesome moment in our shared history and "memory." So, what about people who aren't Jewish and are members of our families and our congregations? Were they there too? Is this their covenant too? Is the rainbow their symbol as well as those born to Jewish parents or brought up with Judaism?
I believe that when someone joins a Jew in the overwhelming, sometimes arduous, joyful and profound task of living with Judaism, their soul gets wrapped up in the tapestry of Jewish tradition that is 4,000 years strong. It is strong because it has always been diverse and ever renewing. The rainbow is the sign of continual creation and we are partners with God is this task. This is the core of the meaning of life, for me.
As we enter a new year, let us remember our rainbow connection.
Do You Fake Gratitude?
I've been seeing a lot of trends on Facebook over the past few months surrounding gratitude and if I'm honest, they mostly make me roll my eyes. I'm all for gratitude but these posts more often than not seem contrived and part of a fad rather than a real look at gratitude. That being said, it's a much better fad than the latest reality show or diet. Especially during the month of November, when we are asked to think about gratitude and of course have a holiday approaching devoted to this notion. But are we just paying lip service to this yearly concept or do we actually feel a real sense of thanksgiving as we sit around our Thanksgiving tables?
There is something so special about genuinely expressing gratitude. It seems to lighten my soul and give me a much-needed sense of perspective amidst the chaos of daily life. When I really see all that I have, all that I am privileged to do, I am less stressed, I smile more, I treat those around me better. But sometimes that chaos is overwhelming and I don't remember to take the time to see all that I have.
Much like the lone Mitzvah Day which takes place once a year in many synagogues, this single day of Thanksgiving does give us the opportunity to put a spotlight on our gratitude, but what about the next day (*shudder* Black Friday) or the next month? (For the record, a fantastic antidote to Black Friday is Giving Tuesday, and InterfaithFamily would love to see your gratitude on Dec. 2.) And once we have gone around the table and said what we are thankful for, do we do anything more with it or is the ritual of stating it enough?
Here at InterfaithFamily, we have dedicated the month of November to our InterfaithFamily Shabbat and have themed it, "30 Days of Abundant Appreciation." Our goal was to have communities all over the country, in whatever way they choose, express appreciation and gratitude for the interfaith families in their midst (see which organizations are participating in Boston here). As you might imagine, this takes many forms depending on the community and its makeup. But no matter the form, the message is incredibly important. For how often do we really take the time to appreciate those in our communities who might feel on the periphery? How often do we simply acknowledge the diverse composition of our communities and celebrate it?
But here's the big question, yet again: How do we keep it going? How do we continue to be appreciative and take those moments out of our day to feel a sense of personal gratitude for all that we have? How do we do it in a ways that feel authentic and not hokey? And in our communities, how do we do the same thing, whether for the interfaith families among us or just simply for belonging to a warm and open community?
I would love to hear your thoughts on gratitude. How can we be reminded in our own lives and in our many communities? Let's come up with some ideas together!
Five Observations
Below are five observations from working with interfaith families that may get our hearts racing and hopefully prompt respectful discussion:
1. Language matters. God created the world with words, "Let there be light…and there was…" The rabbis said that to embarrass someone is to kill their soul—to bring blood to their face. The same word in Hebrew for "word,"—d'var—is also the word for "thing." Words create reality. The old adage "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" is not Jewish. Thus, when we say, "non-Jew" for example, we are saying that someone is a "non-entity" or different from, and that isolates and estranges the very people we seek to endear and hold close. Thus, I say, "not Jewish" because I believe this difference is more than semantics.
2. Owning It. Many people who grew up with Judaism and are getting married describe themselves as "culturally Jewish." I have started pushing people to define what this means. Which culture? Ashkenazkic Jewish? If you go to your parent's for the holidays and your mother makes kugel and brisket, she is a cultural Jew. Can you claim this as an authentic identity as an adult vicariously? Is there a cut-off age for this when you have to own it yourself? Are people cultural Jews because they grew up culturally Jewish: going to Jewish camp (or camp with lots of Jews), having Jewish friends, getting together with family for break-fast and Passover?
As adults, we identify as Jewish, but maybe this hasn't been actualized since the Bar/
3. Re-branding Judaism. Selling Judaism. I find myself cheerleading for Judaism. I hear story after story about not having loved religious school; leaving the synagogue after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah; finding services boring, hard to follow, irrelevant; being disappointed by rabbis for whatever reasons; etc. I try to re-sell an open-minded, loving, vibrant, relevant Judaism in which people will find moral grounding, inspiration, other young people, accessible clergy, and rituals open to anybody who loves a Jew and is comfortable being part of everything—whether or not they formally convert. Does this Judaism exist? Should it exist? I tell people that this Judaism exists because I have experienced it in many places here in Chicago and in many different ways.
4. Inclusion. Can Judaism be an inclusive religion? Inclusion is a recent American ideal. For instance, we aim to create neuro-diverse classrooms because we believe that inclusion of different kinds of learners benefits everyone. But, can it be a Jewish ideal? We have been an insular, tight knit, ethnically bound people and this has kept us going. We are a religion of boundaries: day and night, holy and profane, Shabbat and the rest of the week, before 13 and after 13, kosher or treif. Can we have a Judaism that is totally open and includes everybody? This will change our Judaism. Is this OK? What will it look and feel like? Will there be a reason to formally convert anymore? (Anecdotally, I have found that when those come to experience Judaism they want more and more and do end up wanting a formal conversion, quite often…)
Beyond being welcoming, the real question is how and to what extent can Judaism be an inclusive religion?
5. Both religions. Each of these observations I have gleaned from working with interfaith families' present challenges and opportunities in the Jewish world. But, this last point is perhaps the most tricky. This one really gets our hearts racing and leads to arguments among Jewish leaders. What about families who want both religions of the parents to be part of their lives? What does it mean anymore to raise Jewish children? Is there a litmus test to this? Can one raise Jewish children and not belong to a synagogue (pretty hard to do in America, I personally think). Can one raise Jewish children if those children attend church with one parent or grandparent or cousins and take part in Christian holidays? Only if those holidays are celebrated "culturally" and not "religiously"? Can one raise Jewish children if Shabbat is not part of their lives, if they do not give tzedakah and if Judaism may not come up in the course of a day or week?
Many, many couples I meet with think they will want some aspects of both religions in their lives. They don't believe this will confuse children. They feel that if the parents are on the same page, the children will be too. If there is love, tolerance, respect, empathy, a willingness to learn and experience and a depth of compromise, it will enrich the family to become literate in both faiths and to celebrate aspects of both faiths. Whatever we think about this, we are going to have to confront this reality. How can and should the liberal Jewish world respond? What will our religious schools look like if we have more and more children exposed to both religions who feel "half and half" and say it with wholeness and pride? Will this dilute Judaism? Will this expand Judaism? Will all children raised within liberal Judaism today come to love the idiosyncrasies of our way in to the big questions of life: kindness, social justice, the meaning of sin, how to talk about God, what it means to have lived a good life?
If you are an interfaith couple, do these observations resonate? What are your answers? What are your questions? Have I captured some of this? We want to know the top things you are thinking about so that we can think this stuff through with you. Judaism needs your voices and your presence.
You Shall Be Holy
I will be speaking as part of Diversity Shabbat on Friday, April 25. The
Here is what I believe:
Who is the "whole Israelite community?" It is all of you here. If you were brought up with Judaism, or have found yourself in Jewish life because you fell in love with someone Jewish, if you have a parent who isn't Jewish, if you wandered away from organized Jewish life, whether you think about Judaism throughout the week or not…you are the whole Israelite community.
If you cast your fate, so to speak, with the Jewish people…feel proud of and part of our amazing history, feel inspired by our audacious hope even in the face of despair, want your children to learn values and ancient wisdom from our texts which we still argue with and confront today, you are the whole Israelite community. If you want American, liberal Judaism to exist in the years to come because it adds creativity, nuance, ingenuity, joy, order, sacred purpose, social justice, support for education and so much more to our society, then you are the whole Israelite community.
If you have a Christmas tree in your living room, enjoy a cheeseburger, have grandparents and cousins and extended family who share Christianity with your children, yet you are here because you identify with Judaism, you are the whole Israelite community. You are in. You are good enough. We want you here. You are worthy. Your Judaism is authentic. You have layered, complex, multi-faceted family dynamics and you work to create Shalom bayit—peace in your home and your wider home—which is one of the most important mitzvot (commandments)…we understand. It's a journey. You make decisions. You revisit decisions. Identity grows and changes. You are the whole Israelite community.
There is one God of peace and love. We are one people, trying to make our family, our circle of friendships, our workplaces, our school communities, our Temple family, our world a more just, kind and decent place.
You shall be holy. This is holy work. The word in Hebrew for honor as in the 10 Commandments, to honor our parents, is kavod. This word also comes from the word for heavy. True honor and respect is a heavy pursuit. This is not for the faint of heart. This stretches us and brings us into new territory. But, ultimately, loving our neighbor next to us in these seats is holy because you are your neighbor. We are one.
Treat Others with Honor
"Ben Zoma asks, 'Who is worthy of honor?
My wife and I are always reminding our children that there is nothing more important than being kind. Hearing the "mean talk" of children's taunts or playground mishaps—which of course happens everywhere—makes our ears perk up. Mess up on your homework, that can be resolved pretty quickly, but if you treat another person with disrespect, the consequences can be devastating.
The Hebrew word for respect is kavod. It is also translated as honor, dignity, and even glory. Kavod is a cherished word in Judaism. The Hebrew root of the word, (KVD) likens itself to weight, importance and abundance. Simply stated, kavod is not something to be taken lightly. It is all about how one treats their fellow person. This is ascribed an indisputable holiness that is essential in Jewish philosophy. Right in the heart of the Torah, we are instructed to "love your neighbor as yourself" (Leviticus 19:18).
A psychologist studying the aftermath of a Golden Gate Bridge jumper in 2003 said, "I went to this guy's apartment afterward with the assistant medical examiner. The guy was in his thirties, lived alone, pretty bare apartment. He'd written a note and left it on his bureau. It said, 'I'm going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump.'" (New Yorker, 2003)
Apparently no one smiled at him and the rest is a tragic moment in the history of the Golden Gate Bridge, and suicide in general. Of course, there was a deep psychological imbalance in his life that led to such a horrific decision. Yet, the fact that people continue to regularly disregard each other is troubling. Admittedly, no one passing by this tortured soul could have known the level of despair he was in, but perhaps back then and even now, people could make an effort to show a stranger in our midst a little pre-emptive kavod. Surely all of us have felt uplifted by the gift of another's smile in passing. How much the more so for people we know!
So what are you doing to show honor and respect to the ones you love? How do you express dignity and kindness to the people you meet? The littlest gesture can make such a difference.
Interfaith relationships offer an incredible opportunity to contribute to Judaism's enduring strength and diversity. All people should be welcomed and included in Jewish rituals that are such an incredible source of value and meaning to all who participate in them. Perhaps the question when planning life cycle events should not be what are you going to get out of this moment or the person involved in the ritual, but rather, what can you give to the relationship? How can you help break down the barriers and include others?
I invite you to think about this as you peruse our interfaith forums and dialogues here at InterfaithFamily. Let's open our hearts and minds, for kavod is all around us and it all starts by recognizing the holiness inside you.
Pride Versus Prejudice
There are many things that I am proud of about my background. I am proud of my heritage, my hometown and my family. Being proud helps our self-esteem and drives us to reach for new goals. But from time to time, when speaking about my background, I want to be careful that I am not insulting another person's background. Sometimes I worry that pride can cross a line and become insulting or even prejudice. I'm going to put it out there: I am a conservative Jew who likes country music and cheers for Duke and the Phillies. But many people who I adore are Catholic, like heavy metal, are UNC fans and love the Red Sox. OK—I said it. We all make our own choices.
No one would argue that being proud of your family, school, city and heritage is a wonderful thing. Last year, after the Boston Marathon bombings, it was powerful to see the slogan "Boston Strong." The concept of uniting the city to find the bombers was a crucial first step in the healing process for a city that had suffered such a devastating event. Similarly, I greatly admire people who serve in our military because they love our country so very much that they put their lives on the line. There is nothing worse than the feeling of being attacked, so it makes sense to unify as a community or country to take back a feeling of control.
In the past 100 years there were two World Wars, the Cold War, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan to name a few. During the Second World War, Jews were targeted and murdered. As a result, many Jews have had a strong sense of pride as a way of overcoming such a horrific event in history. After centuries of persecution, many Jewish people felt very protective of their religion and culture. Many people dedicated their lives to working for Jewish causes. That sentiment is weakening as younger generations feel a distant connection to the Holocaust. Currently, some Jews do not feel threatened by anti-Semitism and feel very welcomed into American culture.
Here's the problem. Pride is a wonderful motivator and generally exudes positive energy. However, sometimes pride comes at the expense of another city, town or culture or religion—and becomes prejudice. It is a very fine line between the two. The risk of misinterpretation or offending someone is constant. (And, there will always be people who are overly sensitive.) Yet, people don't want to have their thoughts censored in their effort to be politically correct. It's OK to have an opinion and to express it. But I think it is infinitely important to be aware that pride can easily step over the line and become prejudice.
Here is my recommendation: Think of pride versus prejudice like a sporting event. Everyone can and should cheer for their team. Competition is a great motivator and perseverance leads to wonderful self-esteem. Players and fans should exercise good sportsmanship. Occasionally there is a player or fan who steps out of line. Occasionally a player breaks a rule or there is even a flagrant violation. That doesn't indicate that every player on that team is vindictive. We should exercise good sportsmanship and sensitivity and maintain the balance between pride and prejudice.
Eyes on the Prize
I love when my kids come home from school with inspirational materials. This week, with MLK day on everyone's mind, it was to honor the great Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. Found inside my 1st grader Eli's backpack was a scholastic news weekly reader called "Before and After Dr. King," emphasizing how MLK had helped change unfair laws in his lifetime. This little flyer highlighted three topics featuring before and after photos: Buses, schools and water fountains which clearly and visually showed the inequality and horrific level of prejudice in daily life in the south in the '50s and '60s.
So we had a kitchen table discussion, and I found myself getting teary-eyed, as I often do at the thought of being separated and judged for who you are by the color of your skin or boxed into feelings of shame for what you were born into. My kids are blown away that people were treated so unfairly. Eli found it fascinating that I was born in 1969, "way back then only one year after Martin Luther King died." We talked about how hard it is to believe that people couldn't sit together or learn together or share the same water fountain; things I did not have to witness in person, thank God, being way up north and born after the civil rights movement had a chance to flourish.
"Jews were treated unfairly too back then," I explained to Eli.
"Why does it always have to go back to the Jews?" my wife bemoaned, "Can't we just stick with MLK?" (It's got to be tough to be married to a Jewish educator with every topic coming back to Judaism at his kitchen table.)
"I'm just saying," pointing to the picture with the separate seating on the buses, "there were also signs back then that said, 'No Jews Allowed.' Of course, it was nothing compared to the horrors that faced the Southern black community at the time, but there are similarities. Deb gave me that "Lets not bring this back to the Holocaust" look, knowing all too well where it was heading. I got the message. "You will learn more details about this every year as you get older." I tried to conclude my digression before Shalom Bayit had been compromised—again.
Mavis Staples, created one of the best civil rights songs of all time (and albums for that matter titled We'll Never Turn Back in 2007), called "Eyes on the Prize," telling us to "hold on," and to keep our "eyes on the prize" of freedom.
We have come a long, long way as a more inclusive society (thank God) and prejudice needs to be fought wherever it strikes. There are many issues to hold on to as we keep our eyes on the prize. King's vision to change the world began with color (or rather I should say a dream of not judging people by the color of their skin) and continues to grab our hearts and attention on opening our minds to all people who suffer and have been marginalized by society, "still vastly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination." (MLK, I Have A Dream speech, April 28th, 1963)
As of this writing, 17 states have legalized same sex marriage (starting with my home state of Massachusetts in 2004). And intermarriage is a fascinating because it is not an issue of legality from state legislation, but rather in issue of relational acceptance by denominations or complex family dynamics.
Going through the list of rabbis who are willing to officiate marriages on this website, I am struck by their level of heroism to stand up for change and inclusiveness, despite the slowness of many congregations and some of their peers.
Things are evolving and getting better, no doubt. It is wonderful to see same sex marriages continuing to be recognized and officiated by rabbis in synagogues. But somehow, interfaith marriage has a bigger hurdle to overcome in acceptance on the institutional level. For example, the Conservative movement has a doctrine to not allow their rabbis to even attend an interfaith marriage, let alone officiate one.
You have probably heard about the small, but still existent, ultra-Orthodox factions that are pushing for separate buses for men and women. Oh Dr. King, how did some of us get so far off? It is deeply embarrassing to see people miss the mark in respecting others' differences.
In the meantime, this year I will be watching for more synagogues to be more inclusive and welcoming to more intermarried couples. I want my children to grow up witnessing synagogues and Jewish institutions working to make a stronger community of unity and respect.
What Happens When Judaism Becomes Ethics?
One of my favorite camp counselors from my youth, now a respected university instructor and demographer, Marc Dollinger, Ph.D. is the Richard and Rhoda Goldman Chair in Jewish Studies and Social Responsibility at San Francisco State University. He recently posted the following query on Facebook:
"…how many of the 613 mitzvot were classical Reform Jews obligated to perform? My undergrads at SF State want to know."
I was intrigued, so I started reading the 45+ comments. Professor Dollinger offered additional insight about the class that he was teaching when the question was posed: "Today's lecture on post-Enlightenment denominationalism, at 75 minutes, was supposed to cover classical and modern Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox (overviews on questions of God, Torah, authority, practice) but we didn't get past classical Reform. Thrilled with the student interest and passion. More queries coming…"
Rabbi Evan Goodman, formerly from the Bay Area and now the UC Santa Barbara Hillel Executive Director responds: "…I know you stated you need a number, not a theory. However, I don't believe this question can be answered that way and be authentic to Reform [Judaism]. As you know, Reform Judaism is non-Halachic. Its starting point is the premise that the mitzvot and other traditions are not legally binding on us. It was and is up to each one of us to learn and interpret these traditions in our own generation…"
As the class continued its conversation with Professor Dollinger, he "taught how the early Reform theologians employed rationalist thought to determine which mitzvot remained relevant in modernity and which were considered dated in light of the rapidly changing world. In this sense, wearing kipot and talit would lose value while commandments against murder and stealing would, logically, remain. Students had a deeper concern that once Judaism becomes ethics, what makes it Jewish anymore?"
Rabbi David Cohen, also formerly from the Bay Area and now at Congregation Sinai in Milwaukee, WI, chaperoned my teen trip to Israel (many years ago). He offered that "the classical reformers distinguished between rational, ethical mitzvot and non-rational ritual mitzvot. The rabbis of old would have called these mishpatim and khukim. Ethical mitzvot were obligatory; ritual mitzvot were optional. Each Jew was to make a personal, informed choice, choosing to perform a ritual mitzvah if s/he found it spiritually uplifting."
He points out that a distinction is made between ritual (i.e. religious) and ethical commandments. Fast forward to today. My post read as follows, "I'm curious how your students would respond to the recent Pew Study finding that most of their contemporaries would describe themselves as non-religious Jews. Is this the same or different from classical Reform Judaism shifting away from halacha? It seems that among the non-Orthodox Millennials today, ethical/cultural Judaism is their focus of interest, over religious Judaism." The distinction between religious and ethical continues.
So, what happens when Judaism becomes ethics? What do you think?
42: The Jackie Robinson Story
I was asked the other day what challenges I anticipate as InterfaithFamily moves forward with our objectives. As the great baseball player Mike Lowell quoted his father saying, "There are many injustices out there. It is what one does with that injustice that will shape a person into the character that he will become."
Our mission at IntefaithFamily is to "support interfaith couples exploring Jewish life and making Jewish choices, and to encourage Jewish communities to welcome them." Sounds pretty good to me. So what could be the challenge?
Sticking with baseball shaping character, let us liken the game of baseball to religion. It is a joyous and meaningful game indeed, filled with thrills and sorrows, wins and losses, struggles to overcome, questionable calls (look out for obstructions) and blessings and prayers (and come to think of it, there is even a God Bless America thrown in sometimes toward the end). But let's play out this metaphor. Where is the challenge that I anticipate?
If religion is the game of baseball and every team is a religion, who gets to play? Who wants to play? Who "deserves" to play? Who "needs" to play? Who watches the game and who is participating? Were you born to play or did you fall in love with the game?
I had the privilege of seeing the movie 42, The Jackie Robinson Story, a few months ago. If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it. It is hard to imagine that professional sports were segregated for so long and it wasn't until 1947 that Jackie Robinson broke the "colored barrier." The movie does not hold back in depicting how many players, EVEN ON HIS SAME TEAM were unaccepting and prejudiced at first. Some resented Jackie for making a sport into "a political situation."
One thing that becomes clear is that Jackie just wanted to play baseball. The world had things so very upside down back then. It was revolutionary at the time for an African American to play with whites on the same field. (And just as heartbreaking to see a world filled with segregated seating in the stands—but it was one battle at a time back then). Jackie had courage and valor that we all admire, and the kind of determination one needs to overcome the prejudice of the old world. There was an unaccepting nature of how things were that constantly challenged him.
I am lucky, for interfaith work is not new at all. There are many great leaders before us that started this work and I am lucky to be part of the growing conversation. Boston itself is often at the forefront of innovation and acceptance of interfaith relationships and has offered great interfaith programming for years.
The majority of people do not like to "make waves." It takes courage to stand up for something that you believe in, even if it is unpopular at the time. Bringing it back to interfaith families, here is the kicker: There are more intermarried Jews than non-intermarried Jews. The obstacle is people who hold back and are so set in the "old ways," that they fail to notice our own Jackie Robinson has joined our team.
It is intermarried couples who want to play ball. Jewish communities are enriched by diversity and a multitude of expressions and practices. Interfaith relationships are an opportunity not a threat to Jewish continuity. Collaboration with others is essential to the work that we do and open communication and education lead to understanding.
I hope that when times get tough and I meet those unwilling to see how Judaism is evolving and growing to be more inclusive and welcoming, that I will always remember good old number 42: Jackie Robinson, a hero to us all. The game has only gotten better and better and it is my prayer that everyone is ready to "play ball."
The Doors Are Open
This first blog for InterfaithFamily/Boston is about doors opening and lives filled with new beginnings because we welcome each other. There was a time not long ago when almost all doors were shut on intermarried couples. As you can see in this photo, there is a picture of a door. This is not just any door. It's not a stock photo either, but the actual door to my actual office in Newton, MA. I wanted to begin my blog by showing you the door to my office. It's open and I guarantee you that it will remain open 95 percent of the time. And on the rare occasion that it might be closed, it is still a glass door, where one can easily knock and see and be seen.
Of course you are probably not surprised that this is not a stock photo as it's not a fancy picture and it's not a fancy office for that matter (not that there is anything wrong with it. It's a lovely office. I am very happy to be here). The reason I put this photo in is not so much for the door itself but rather for the sign that our COO Heather made for me, which greeted me on my first day as director of our newest Your Community, InterfaithFamily/Boston last week, "Welcome Josh."
I smiled when I arrived. This is exactly what the staff of IFF does: We welcome people. I'm lucky to be located within the InterfaithFamily Headquarters, and to be joining the national staff to bring InterfaithFamily/Boston to the community in which they have made their home. This organization has a very clear purpose and a very important mitzvah that has been role modeled since the days when father Abraham (really the first Jew by choice) ran to welcome three strangers (that turned out to be angels) and did all he could to help make his guests feel more comfortable. Abe washed their feet and ran around being the host with the most, checking in with Sarah, who was making dinner and getting in on the hospitable action. It was a family affair indeed. Everyone took part. It's a big deal in Judaism (and many cultures) when guests come to your door.
And it's funny, because not that much has changed when you think about what makes a good host (or a good guest for that matter). It is all about appreciation. Let me take it up a notch. We are actually acknowledging that there is a holiness in each other by wanting to help the other. For what is holiness when you get right down to it? Holiness is something special, something apart from the ordinary, something…sacred. You do not need to put on a robe or wave around an object or build an ark to get in touch with what is sacred. There is a beauty inside us that is the best of us, and it is in everyone. It is not even hard to find. You are important. You are loved. You count. You matter. And your family matters. Everyone should feel included. The alternative is to be well…left out, a stranger in a strange land. No, no, no…that will not do. We know what that is like. We remember. We have been taught for thousands of years to welcome people, to help people and be grateful for what we have and to share with others. It is what we do. It is the love of life that makes Judaism so special.
If you are from a religion or culture that has some clear differences of background and ritual from your significant other, that can cause some challenges. We know it and we see it. It's not easy to be intermarried sometimes. I myself am intermarried and have been a Jewish educator for 13 years. There are questions to be answered and it can be overwhelming trying to please family members and adhere to the demands of a tribe that constantly asks, "What will the others think?" Much more to come on that topic and how we deal with that question in future blog posts.
But in the meantime, if you live in the Boston area, and are exploring what it means to be in a family of interfaith, I invite you to come visit me or call me or send me an email. In fact, part of my job includes leaving my office and meeting you wherever you are. (How cool is that!?) This is both metaphoric and for convenience. Where you are at, I will come to you. It's my job so please don't be shy. My door is open. I believe that there will come a day when many more doors will be open as will hearts and minds. And it all starts here. Welcome.


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Cellphones the Key to Teen Cool, Study Says
Jim LiebeltJim is Senior Writer, Editor and Researcher for the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family at Azusa Pacific University. Jim has over 25 years of experience as a youth and family ministry specialist, and has been on the HomeWord staff since 1998. He has served over the years as a pastor, author, youth ministry trainer, adjunct college instructor and speaker. Jim's culture blog and parenting articles appear on HomeWord.com. Jim is a contributing author of culture and parenting articles to Crosswalk.com. Jim and his wife Jenny live in Olympia, WA.
- 2008 Sep 16
A study released recently at the CTIA trade show by Harris Interactive and CTIA-the Wireless Assn., shows that teens say that after clothing, a cellphone tells the most about a person's social status or popularity. That means that having an iPhone, say, will give you more cool points than if you have hip jewelry, swanky watches or the right shoes. Having the latest cellphone is "absolutely essential," according to 28% of all teens and 34% of kids 13 to 15 years old.
About 4 of every 5 teens carry cellphones, up 40% from 2004, and nearly half of them say having a cellphone is "key to my social life." They've turned into teenage mutant ninja texters: 42% of the teens surveyed said they could text while blindfolded. Surprisingly, male teens talk on their phones more than they text, while females text more than they talk.
About 75% of teens plan on having a mobile phone as long as they live, and about 40% believe a mobile phone is the only phone they'll ever need (translation: no landline.)
Sources: Los Angeles Times, USA Today
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subset: commoncrawl


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tacoma orchid society annual sale
ron_tacomaFebruary 9, 2011
The Tacoma Orchid Society is having their annual sale 12 and 23 February in time for Valentines day, 10am to 5pm both days.
It will be held at the Windmill Gardens 1609 60th St East Sumner, Wa.
Free orchid classes both days at 10 am in the Windmill
Repotting of your orchids for a nominal fee.
We will have several vendors with 17 sales tables full of orchids. Hope to see you there.


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Kymberli Durden Ael 2005 Newbord Reborn Baby doll
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- Sold Date: Jul 20,2009
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This is for a Kymberli Durden baby doll.Measures approx. 12 inches long. Has eye lashes. Needs a repaint on the lips. Other than that really sweet baby. Marked on back of neck with a X494. PAYMENT IS REQUIRED WITHIN 5 DAYS OF AUCTION'S END! BID ONLY IF YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS ITEM! I DO NOT WANT YOU TO HAVE ANY SURPRISES WHEN THE ITEM IS RECEIVED. PLEASE ASK ANY QUESTIONS BEFORE BIDDING! WE ARE A SMOKE-FREE HOME NO DEADBEAT BIDDERS, PLEASE! IF YOU WIN THIS AUCTION AND DO NOT FOLLOW THROUGH, YOU WILL RECEIVE NEGATIVE FEEDBACK! IF YOUR TOTAL FEEDBACK RATING IS NEGATIVE, PLEASE DO NOT BID! IF YOU HAVE ZERO FEEDBACK, I WILL EXTEND EVERY COURTESY TO YOU IF YOU ARE A NEW USER, BUT PLEASE FOLLOW THROUGH ON FINALIZING YOUR PURCHASE... YOU WILL NEED TO REPLY TO THE INVOICE I SEND YOU WITHIN 24 HOURS OF RECEIPT. INTERNATIONAL CUSTOMERS: WE WILL SHIP INTERNATIONALLY, BUT WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR LOST OR LATE PACKAGES BY FAULT OF THE POSTAL SERVICE . WE WILL DO OUR UTMOST TO INFORM YOU OF YOUR CUSTOMS FORM NUMBER AND TRY TO ASSIST YOU AS BEST WE CAN TO HELP TRACK YOUR PACKAGE, BUT WE CANNOT REFUND YOU ANY MONEY DUE TO THE FAULT OF THE SHIPPING SERVICE USED . WE DO RECOMMEND THAT YOU PURCHASE INSURANCE, AS T IS AN INCREASE IN LOST PACKAGES BEING SHIPPED INTERNATIONALLY!
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The case for one-and-dones
Why prevent freshmen from entering the draft early if they have the skills?
When discussing the age-limit rule, consider the case of Jonny Flynn.
Back in 2009, Syracuse's sophomore point guard played 67 minutes in a six-overtime win over UConn in the Big East tournament at Madison Square Garden. That was followed by another thrilling overtime victory the next day to earn a trip to the Big East championship. Shortly after Flynn's impressive tear that won him Big East tournament MVP without his team winning the title (Louisville ended up winning), Flynn and the No. 3 Orange reached the Sweet 16 before eventually falling to Blake Griffin and the second-seeded Oklahoma Sooners.
It was one of the most captivating few weeks of basketball we had seen from a college player in some time, all broadcast on national television. And a couple of months later, the Minnesota Timberwolves selected Flynn with the sixth pick of the 2009 NBA draft, ahead of Stephen Curry (No. 7 pick), Ty Lawson (No. 18) and Jrue Holiday (No. 17). Five years later, Flynn is out of the NBA.
NBA commissioner Adam Silver has suggested that an additional year in college will give NBA teams an extra year of information and ability to evaluate prospects. And the logic seems sound. After all, it stands to reason that more information can't be a bad thing.
But then we look at the facts. Since the 2005 age-limit rule went into effect that essentially forced players to wait a year following high school -- most often playing one season in college -- NBA teams have been twice as likely to draft a sophomore bust than a freshman, one-and-done bust. Turns out there are more Flynns than Anthony Bennetts. Not only that, but there are more Kevin Durants (stars who left as freshman) than there are Russell Westbrooks (stars who left as sophomores).
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I love conifers but have part shade...any I can use?
Most of my property is part shade. Anywhere from 3hrs of morning sun to 5 hrs of mid day and 4 hrs of afternoon sun. Can I try some of these conifers? Is there a chance they might do okay?
If you are getting 5 hours of mid day sun or 4 hours of afternoon sun I would try about anything. I have oriental spruce, serbian spruce, umbrella pine, white pine(Both strobus and Parviflora),Hemlock, chamaecyparis and firs all growing in that type of situation. The one issue you may have thought is some plant are more open with less sun.
shade does not equal shade ....
you MIGHT have high shade.. very bright ... and much more opportunity ...
and you have dark cave-like shade.. where nothing will grow ...
in the olden days .... way back before digital photography .. you actually had peeps who had photometers to measure ambient light ... go figure ....
anyway ... there is no way for us to tell you what if anything will grow in a given space/light .... you just have to take the suggestions... and buy some.. and give it a whirl ... its only money.. and we have all killed many many plants ...
what reduced sun does .. is that it decreases vigor.. which means that a plant that should grow 6 inches in full sun ... might only grow 3 inches in part sun ... but regardless ... it has to grow enough to feed itself .... and that is where the amount of sun/light becomes important ...
but be aware .. that slower top growth.. means slower root growth and extablishement ...
buy small ... buy cheap ... that probably means mail order ... and what the heck .. i would rather you tried and failed.. than lived your life in conifer-less misery ... whiling away in a lifelong funk ..
carpe coniferus .... seize the conifer.. and while you have it in hand.. plant the darn thing..
good luck
I received a 'sun calculator' for a Christmas gift and I am planning on getting a more exact idea of how much sun I have where. I am just trying to figure out when to do it. If I do it now, I am not going to get as accurate an idea of the actual growing season, I suppose. I probably will take the calculation once a month starting this month and see how it differs maybe. I hope it works well.
Yes...I agree, I have gone too long without conifers thinking I shouldn't plant them!! lol Small and cheap I can do. So I guess that will be mail order.
These are photos of my back property line where I am trying to add shrubs as a screen. The evergreens in the photos, if you can see, are in my neighbor's yard. The post and rail fence is ours and as you can see is very open to not one, but two neighbor's yards. One Norway Maple is to the left of the neighbor's evergreens, and the other trees are behind us in the other neighbor's yards. All Silver Maples. Not a very hospitable place to grow much of anything. The fence line is West of our house so it gets morning sun and afternoon shade. I know photos of when the trees are leafed out would have been better, but I don't usually take photos of that whole fence line like that. Just thought it would help to see where I am wanting to add shrubs. The photos are so small, it is hard to see, but I didn't want to make the thread hard to look at. If these are no help. I will try to post others later. Thanks..pm2
hard to tell with all that snow.. but it sure looks like you ought to be able to grow conifers there ...
i have a cultivar named Pinus parviflora 'Arnold's Arboretum Dwarf' ... go figure...
they have conifers.. you just haven't found them ..
Yes, that is what I was afraid of. This week, I will try to find some other photos that are more useful. These were my most recent and didn't require any searching. [g]
That is very encouraging that they actually have a cultivar named for them. Will have to look for it. Well, I hope to get to the Arnold Arboretum this spring and if I do, I will be sure to take photos to post.
Thanks ken..I will be back later in the week, when I have had a chance to go through my old photos.
one of the beauties of conifers.. is their year around interest ....
it took me about 6 years of collecting.. before it dawned on me .. to go to the tree farm/arb in winter...
any time you are in the area.. stop in ... in decent weather i mean ...
You should try:
Morning Sun:
Arborvitae (either Thuja occidentalis or Platycladus orientalis, also listed as Thuja orientalis) cultivars or species.
Picea orientalis 'Skylands' or 'Tom Thumb' - spruce
Abies nordmanniana 'Golden Spreader' - fir
Chamaecyparis nootkatenis (Cupressus nootkatensis) cultivars or species - Alaskan Cypress
Chamaecyparis obtusa - cultivars or species
Deciduous Azalea/Rhododendron/Japanese Maple
I agree with David: both 5 hours mid-day or 4 of afternoon I'd lump into one group: A little more intense sun than your morning sun, however, not much of a difference. You should do well with any sun-loving conifer. Maybe add blueberries with more deciduous Azaleas, rhododendrons, or small garden maples.
I am back with more photos. I just took these about an hour ago. The first one is where the Maple tree meets the neighbor's Spruce. The Spruce is to the North of the yard. When the Maple is in leaf it screens out a lot but I would like to screen all along the post and rail fence to at least a 6ft height. Hoping to fill it in with a mix of evergreen and decidious shrubs.
Moving to the left along the fence line, which is about 90ft from end to end. Here is the sunniest areas of the back border. It also is the most out from under tree canopies with less root competition. The bed to the left of the arbor is about 16x16ft and gets sun in the morning and some again in the afternoon. You can see two more Silver Maples in the neighbor's yard. The mugo pine is in a container. I already have added a Sutherland's Gold Sambucus, an Amelanchier shrub and an Oakleaf Hydrangea, but they seem to disappear at the moment, they are young. The Sambucus is the vase shape shrub to the right of the mugo pine and it is the only one I am committed to keeping there. I would also like to save room for two Oakleaf hydrangeas. You can see the shadow of the next Silver Maple that is in the second neighbor's yard.
This view shows the chain link fence that intersects the two neighbor's yards behind us. We have a direct view of this area from the kitchen window. There is a wild cherry tree hiding in front of the Silver Maple. This is the third Silver Maple shading our property. You can see it is right up against our fence line. To the left of the mugo pine is a Viburnum maresii that is only two years old. Behind the mugo pine at the fence, there is another viburnum Wentworth. Two years old. This area gets sun in the morning and then a little more in the afternoon.
This area gets very little morning sun but a couple of hours in the afternoon. That is a holly on the left that has been there four years and has barely grown. A taxus in the middle is a Hicksii and I am thinking about adding two more if I can figure out where to put them.
This is the shadiest area on the property. You can see this massive Silver Maple, just on the other side of the fence. Only the edge of this bed gets much morning sun and a little bit more in the afternoon. The whole bed is under the canopy of that tree. There is a lindera and a cornus shrub with a couple of hydrangeas in the bed right now, but I do want to fill in more and screen so that you barely see the fences. The cornus has done amazingly well and tripled in size in two years. So I don't want to move it.
So that is about it. If this gives any more helpful information to offer some advise, I could use it. [g]
Thanks a lot!
If somebody asked my to suggest a large group of common plants which are generally tolerant of partial shade my first suggestion would be: Conifers!
Or said in another way: If anything tolerates partial shade it is conifers.
Taxus baccata and Thujopsis dolabrata as far as I know will tolerate what is called "full shade" which means no direct sunligt anytime a day, but of course they too won't grow in a cave!
I have my Thujopsis in a really dark and wet spot and it seems to be doing just fine. Can't rule out hough that it might grow faster with more light...
Apart from that small conifers are even more shade-tolerant because they have to grow up in the shade of large conifers - and for instance an old forrest of Norway Spruce can be pretty dark!
/Hans Olav
resin...I will be looking at the japanese yews. As a matter of fact, the Hicksii that I already have is a cross between the Japanese yew and the English yew. thanks..
wisconsitom...I have been afraid to get any hemlocks due to the serious pest problems they have here. I do enjoy them too, so it is too bad. I am an organic grower, so I try to avoid well known problems that might require spraying. Balsam fir is a favorite of mine and my neighbor has a Norway Spruce I think. thanks.
ken....again, thanks for your input. I am sure you are right, that in the end, I will just have to try them. I hope to get to the arboretum more often and winter to me is just as nice a time to go as spring.
Dax...Thanks, yes, morning sun is what I will be working with for the most part. I saw a couple of varieties of Thuja occidentalis that I like...'Linesville' and 'Red Chief'. Aren't the two popular versions..'Green Giant' and 'Emerald Green' Thuja occidentalis? I was considering trying to use some of those. I suppose I have little to lose, if I buy it small and cheap and see if it will survive my conditions. I really like the 'Skylands' and will look for that one too. Rhododendrons, I am hoping to add at least one. Love Japanese Maples and have one 'Bloodgood' in the garden, Blueberries I would have to supplement the soil for as my soil is not acidic enough for them, but I love them. Thanks
Hans Olav...I had not noticed that particular plant...Thujopsis dolabrata but if it will tolerate full shade, I am going to have to look for that one!
Thank you all for great ideas. Very encouraging and I am sure I will be able to find some conifers to fit.
Prairiemoon, yes the adelgid problem probably rules out Tsuga canadensis where you are. Though I might be mistaken, aren't some of the other hemlock species quite resistant to this pest?
At any rate, folks have certainly provided many fine suggestions.
I am going to try a Hinoki Cypress on the front of my house - facing North. The spot will get 3 or perhaps four hours direst sun im May through August give or take. Will this be too little sun?
As this is an expensive plant, if it turns out that there isnt enough light and I move it to a sunny spot - will it ever recoer?
What the heck? I have no idea what is up with that and I am going to have to contact Tinypic to see how they got onto this thread. I certainly didn't post them.
Sorry chester, I think you may want to post a separate thread to ask your question.
I will try to get this straightened out.
Thanks conifer freak for bringing this to my attention.


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For our application we need to store files above the root so they can be accessed by the streaming media software.
I successfully created a symlink from:
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However, if I try
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I wanted to do an extract batch of a cherry wheat, but i have a ton of Light LME and no Wheat LME so I'm trying to come up with something that could pass as cherry wheat to my non expert friends. (in the sense that it would be cloudy, semi-sweet etc)
how do you think this would be:
6.5 lbs light LME
1 lb wheat malt (steeped, not mashed)
.5 lb 80l crystal malt
.5 oz galena 60 min
.5 oz willamette 20 min
safale US-05
rack onto a few jars of cherries (3-4 lbs) in secondary after 3 weeks.
suggestions? for hops on hand I have Galena, Willamette, and Cascade
You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. - Homer S.
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?- Homer S.
Don't know if there is an easy answer. If you're having to purchase the cherries I know 3-4lbs is not going to be cheap so why not just go all the way.
The cloudiness is from suspended yeast so you need to change from US 05. Your wheat malt really needs to be mashed. If your trying to cloud it up with starches from the wheat malt, not really the way to go about it.
That's just couple things I see.
You'd basically be putting flour in your beer, it's not going to be a postive addition. It will also make it more proned to housing micro organisms.
If you have some darker malts to throw in you could go for a cherry porter or stout using what you have already mentioned. To stick with a cherry wheat I'd be telling you to change too many things and don't think that 's what you had in mind.
yeah that doesnt sound good. Instead maybe I'll just use a recipe for a #9 clone i have and substitute cherries for apricot extract etc.
good advice; I dont want flour in my beer. thanks


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It has been estimated there are roughly 28 millions rats in New York City -- that's more than three rats for every human.
According to the the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome is a rare but potentially deadly disease transmitted by infected rodents through urine, droppings or saliva.
Worse still, Murine Typhus is worldwide -- and rare in the United States -- but is transmitted to humans by rat fleas. It is most common during warm summer months.
Rat-Bite Fever is caused by a bite or scratch by a rodent or ingesting food or water contaminated with rat feces.
Leptospirosis is a bacterial disease that affects both humans and animals. If not treated, kidney damage, meningitis, liver failure and in rare cases death can occur. It is caused by exposure to water contaminated with the urine of infected animals, including rats.
In recent years, Mayor Michael Bloomberg has addressed the residential and commercial rodent problems that are occurring throughout the five boroughs, via something called the Rodent Task Force.
The Task Force includes the Departments of Health, Sanitization and Parks. The Community of Affairs Unit is also a member of the Task Force that participates in weekly meetings to update new issues or to resolve others that can stem the increase of rodents.
However, not everyone believes the city can alleviate the rodent problem. "I don't think there's anything they can do," said subway use Jordan Licari. "I don't mind rats, I find roaches more disgusting."
Cities including Hong Kong and Washington D.C. have banned people from taking food and drink on their subway to help eradicate rats -- that could be an important first step for New York before we have an outbreak of a serious disease like a Third World city.
Even if residents can't control the rat population down below, they can prevent rodents from colonizing in their neighborhoods. According to the New York City Health Department, there are five steps that can keep rats away from your property.
You have to inspect your property, clean up any dropping or tracks they left behind, starve them by using plastic or metal cans with tight lids and keep food away -- also shut them out by sealing cracks and holes in your residence, and wipe them out with rodent baiting.
Property owners who allow accumulation of garbage, waste material, and water which contributes to rats violate the Article 151 of the Health Code.
In some subway stations, including 15th Street-Prospect Park il Brooklyn, MTA workers allow garbage bags to pile up for days on end -- effectively providing a feast for large rats and putting the public in danger.
If owners fail to control rats on their property, the Health Department will issue a fine and may apply rat bait or clean up the property.
While many New Yorkers feel that the rat problem can never completely go away, subway rider Katie Marzeski feels that the city can do more to control the rat colonies.
"Don't allow people to pee in the subway," said Marzeski. "They should have more garbage cans so people won't throw garbage in the track."
Marzeski frequently takes the 2 and the 5 train and sees a lot of rats boldly running across the train tracks. "I'm used to mice, but rats are a whole other story -- they're dirty," said Marzeski.
The rats that many New Yorkers see every day are part of the Rattus Norvegicus species, which are also known as the Norway rat or the brown rat.
Other notorious spots in the subway to see dozens of rats include Chambers Street on the A train, Jay Street-Borough Hall, West 4th Street, and Spring Street on the C.
Will it take a New Yorker to die from rat-related illness for the city to wake up to this potentially massive health hazard?


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The is pretty crappy. It's too short, so I have to take multiple samples from my 6 gallon carboy. Also, the pieces don't seal well, so beer drips out when I talk samples. My LHBS doesn't have anything better in stock. What would you guys recommend?
Also, am I suppose to put the beer back into the carboy?
What I meant to say is Williams has an awesome stainless thief.
Don't put the beer back in. Drink it.
Is this the one? http://www.williamsbrewing.com/STAIN...R_P2416C74.cfm
I still would love something longer.
I don't see myself drinking the whole sample, at least not of my current brew. It's room temperature, but also too bitter. I think the bitterness is just "green beer", so I am not worried about that. The other flavors that come through are quite tasty.
The Fermtech wine theif works well. being clear the hydrometer can be read inside it - no need to transfer to a 2nd container. Also if you sanatize the theif and hydrometer, you can then drain it back in.
I personally think that there is some virtue in sampling your wort and beer as it goes, but I also think that the 4oz+ that the hydrometer needs to work in a standard tube size is more than you need to taste sample... maybe 1 oz or so.
I guess I could try getting a Refractometer
With the refractometer, it depends on your goal - checking gravity/sugar ok.
but if you want a taste, or you want to test ph (useful with the Lambic style) then you will need more than a few drops that you can get from stick a long handle into the fermentor
I use the lower half of the 1/2" Fermtech Auto Siphon. If you remove the cap from the bottom it works great -- And it's dual purpose - for $13 you get an auto siphon AND a 20"" thief


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Those who have had an IVF Loss!
Started by Bwok~Bwok , Jan 29 2013 12:55 PM
13 replies to this topic
Posted 29 January 2013 - 12:55 PM
Sorry if this isn't the right section -but I wanted to ask those who have been in the same boat as me with an early loss!
Just got the go ahead from the FS that when AF arrives I can go back into another full stim cycle!
I thought I was ok with it – but now I'm tearing up just thinking about having to do that first injection – but not when I think about the EPU and what not – it's just that first injection which will start me on the roller coaster again.
What was it like for you getting back into it after a loss? I'm just wondering if it's just that 'first step' and once I do it, I'll be fine! I don't want to do it if I start freaking out the whole way through it – and I know it's down to me on whether I start or not, I just wanted to hear other's stories on how they coped.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:36 PM
Oh Bwok Bwok, I'm so sorry for you, I was a silently lurker sending you my thoughts.
In answer to your question, I think I was a bit dazed at the time and for some reason felt really compelled to hurry up and be pregnant again. What followed was 4 back to back FETs. I didn't do another stim cycle until 5-6 months later.
But, having said that, when I do a FET cycle, those pee tests don't work so I have to go every 2nd day for bloods from about day 8 until ov.
The first day that I walked in for my bloods after the loss was the hardest but my lovely IVF nurse who had been with me all the way through was there to take the blood and I felt a little supported.
Perhaps you could have one of the nurses do the actual first one (injection), not to make a big thing of it, but for the support.
I wish you all the very best.
Edited by AmberNut, 29 January 2013 - 01:38 PM.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:43 PM
Hi bwok bwok
My condolcences as well. I was also a silent lurker to your story. After both our chemical pregnancy and then after a miscarriage, we jumped right back into back to back FETs (we didn't require another stim cycle). For us, doing another cycle was the only thing that made us feel better about our losses. I do tend to think that once you get into it, you generally feel better as you're doing something productive about your situation. It really helped us put things behind us and focus on the future. And I think our 12 month old would agree we did the right thing - she was conceived very soon after the miscarriage! But this is a very personal thing, and if you are still extremely emotional about the situation and think you wouldn't cope with it as a 'positive step' then adding all those hormones into the mix is not going to improve the situation. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:45 PM
I was a zombie woman...
I went through the motions for about 4 FETS and then DP pulled the plug.
I'm only getting back in there now. And I'm still scared.
Do you take someone with you to your appointments? I really think that I should have - especially that first one.
I had a lovely nurse taking my blood in the hospital (live a long way from the clinic) who shared her IVF experience with me and let me have a little cry (cried with me in fact - Lord knows what the next person who walked in thought - they were getting a diabetic blood done!) it was extremely cathartic.
A hand to hold is very important
Posted 29 January 2013 - 01:50 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss We had an early miscarriage after our second stim cycle (no frosties) so I can't imagine how hard it would have been having a heartbeat and some hope. hugs to you.
I actually waited a little bit I think the miscarriage was around July, and did the 3rd stim cycle in September. We met with our FS and changed protocol slightly, including utilising new technology (high digital sperm magnification) so we felt like we were doing something more. I actually found a new job in between those cycles, and did the stim/transfer in the middle of leaving the first job and starting the new one. DH found a new job, too. For us it helped to focus on something other than IVF. Because I always needed to take the pill to get AF, we were free to choose when to start.
Only you will know when it is the right time. I was happy to have the emotional (and physical) break before starting the next cycle, and it was definitely gut wrenching having that first injection. DH and I went out for dinner and had a couple of beers before it, put a happy spin on it. And once we'd started, I felt in a much better frame of mind. It helped that I wasn't working and had a new job to look forward to - perhaps having something else besides TTC to focus on can help with any anxiety, maybe planning a holiday, or buying something new for the house.
Best of luck, I really hope the next one is the one. x
Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:08 PM
** m/c and preg mentioned **
Bwok bwok, I am so very sorry for your loss. It completely sucks, it really does.
I did 9 stim cycles with chem pg on cycle 1, BFP with m/c at 5w6d on cycle 3 and BFP with m/c at 8w4d on cycle 8. The m/c at 8w4d was especially hard as things looked so positive with great hcg levels etc except the heartbeat was too slow and it succumbed.
Personally, I just kept going with back to back cycles. My age and a low ovarian reserve meant I didn't feel I had the time to pause. I kept asking myself which was worse...the pain of kicking off yet another stim cycle or not achieving a sticky pregnancy. To me, the alternative of not cycling was worse, so I did another.
I felt like i had invested so much up till that point, i couldn't stop. I told my FS I thought IVF is a bit like playing the pokies as you keep inserting the coins (emotionally, physically and financially) hoping for the big pay off.
I agree with vswannie in that I at least felt like I was doing something positive to help reach the end goal. And also with countrymel - lean on your partner and your family/friends if you can. I did IVF on my own (using donor sperm) and I think it would have been a huge help to have more support.
As a postscript, my 9th cycle was successful (only yielded 1 usable egg which thankfully fertilised, made it to blast and stuck).
It's such a personal decision, and only you will know if you are ready.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:10 PM
I can understand your fear. I've been in the same situation.
I endured several losses during my 6 years of IVF. At first they were emotionally difficult to deal with, mostly just because I was grieving. But just like alot of ladies (IVF or not) all I wanted to do through that grief is get pregnant again so in an odd way it was easier to focus on the next cycle instead of my grief.
By the 3rd or 4th loss I sort of snapped out of that and my grief became more anger. I changed more into sheer determination to 'make it work' mode and suppressed my grief entirely (or so I thought).
At that point, I suffered a cervical ectopic pregnacy which came very close to killing me. Throughout the months of treatment and recovery for that I thought I was dealing with the trauma and loss in the same manner but, the reality was that I was feeling much the same as you describe OP. In a nutshell, I was terrified. Terrified of yet another IVF cycle not working. Terrified of yet more complications (I'm a poor responder to-boot) and even more terrified that it WOULD work and I would lose another baby again...or worse.
I was an emotional wreck through that entire cycle but that isnt to say I didnt want to continue with it. I still wanted to be a mother so I had no choice. Didnt make it any easier but my body had just decided it was time I faced my feelings so I just had to let it all out and keep going...one step at a time. Oddly, that cylce, for me, became more about working through my feelings than it did about 'making it work' and it many ways it was cathartic.
In hindsight, my reaction was, and is, a perfectly normal and rational reaction to 'a trauma'. Not that i'm a psychologist in any way, shape or form, but it's not hard to conclude that my fear and stress about 'trying again' came from PTSD. Once i made that association, they somehow became easier to work through, understand and ultimately control again. But that's just me.
Only you can decide if you are ready, or even want, to move forward yet. But once you make that decision, there's no guarantee you'll feel better about doing it. You've just gotta take one step at a time.
OP, I just wanted you to know that there are other people out there who have experienced similar feelings to you and that your feelings are valid and normal. But, you will get through it and I can only send you my best wishes that you too get your happy ending to it all.
I sincerely wish you well with whatever you decide.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 02:18 PM
Im sorry for your loss. We lost 2 doing IVF. Both of ours were from FETs, so we didn't get to go straight back to injections. We did do 3 fresh cycles though. I hated starting again. to me it felt like when you play a computer game and you get so far through then your turn ends and you have to go back to the start. ugh frustrating. Nothing really helps but just getting it done and knowing you have another chance.
The only thing that helped us get through IVF was to remember that we had no control over it. We could eat well and exercise, but absolutly no way to force it to work. Not even the doctors could force it to work. We tried to live with a "whatever will be will be" type attitude. If you have faith in a higher power, lean on it.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 04:50 PM
Bwok bwok, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think I really have any answers on to cope as I'm going through the same thing myself. I miscarried in December at 11 weeks after a IVF PGD cycle and have no frosties so about to start a new stim cycle too. I know I got teary on the day I met with my FS to plan the new cycle and when I spoke with my FN and while I'm feeling ok at the moment I'm also worried how ill feel when I have to start the stims again. I think that the first will be the hardest and then I will feel like I'm on the way to hopefully getting a sticky BFP.
Good luck with your cycle and take a break if you think it would be beneficial emotionally. I'm glad I've having a two month break between D&C and starting a new stim cycle but its a very personal decision.
Edited by bree18, 29 January 2013 - 04:51 PM.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:21 PM
Bwok Bwok, I'm so sorry for your loss. You can see from my sig how my IVF journey has gone and only now (13 months after my m/c) am I getting gutsy enough to start again. It effects everyone differently and there's no right or wrong way about it. I agree with Countrymel that a hand to hold is a great comfort when getting back on the rollercoaster again. It's just so bloody hard and my fear is palpable when I start thinking about it. I just don't know if I can live through another m/c like that, but what's the alternative?? My longing for a baby always outweighs my fear.
BB, just do what you have to do to get through it all. If you need a wine or 2 each night while stimming then I say go for it. If you need chocolate or whatever it is, then I say stop worrying about trying to do the whole process "perfectly" and just find a way to make peace with IVF and just get through it.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:50 PM
Thank you all so much for posting - I really do appreciate it and I know it may have been difficult for some to think back to their losses.
I don't know when AF will be due, but I'm stabby today, so maybe in a few days?? and then I will see how I am mentally. I think it may be just nerves trying to get the better of me.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:57 PM
I've only recently started the IVF road but have had 4 miscarriages in the last year. I'm currently doing an IUI cycle. My first attempt at IVF left me with no frosties and I miscarried. I call it my 6k miscarriage.
I can't say I struggle with the decisions I make because I don't, I'm sad that my babies don't stick but medicated cycles make me feel like I have some control over what my body is doing.
I know I will keep doing this until I get pregnant with a baby I can keep and in between I will have the occasional cry about how unfair it all is, but I will keep going.
I just stay really focused on what I want and if I can't have a baby I will foster. I can't focus on my loses because it just makes me to sad.
Posted 29 January 2013 - 06:08 PM
I'm sorry for your loss BwokBwok.
We were on similar EPU/ transfer timetables last year. I had a shorter process to the end than you and I really felt for you over your weeks of uncertainty.
I had my cry at the time and then got on with Xmas and full-time work.
Started back for my next full stim (we never get frozen) still all ok (read:denial) then this morning while waiting in day surgery for EPU got a bit teary again- think it was just the drugs and waiting by myself.
I agree with the PPs- take a friend and def tell the nurses at the clinic if you're feeling anxious.
Mine tried to talk to me about it but I knocked them back (read: more denial).
I hope it's smooth sailing for us both this time round.
Posted 30 January 2013 - 10:10 AM
Hi Bwok,
Again I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I know exactly where you are coming from on this. I guess that after our first loss at nearly 12 weeks I had 1 AF and then started the next stim cycle (never had a frostie yet). Again a BFP but had a sort of disconnection from this BFP I guess it was to protect myself. When we lost this one at 9 weeks I think that I just accepted it and moved on to try and find an answer as to what was going on. My third stim cycle to which I have just had EPU from was a hard one. I was put on a lot of different meds and have really struggled with.
I guess that we just look at it and say "well what choice do we have... It is this or nothing". Like the ladies above I am a poor responder and not getting any younger so continue on as quickly as we can with 1 AF between cycles. I try and look at the facts that we can get pregnant which is a lot more than some and just work on the keeping that way the next time.
I just focus on the next step and try to keep the what ifs in check. Control what you can control and try to accept what you cant. I think that is the only way that I have gotten through.
Good luck and I hope that things settle down for you and that this next cycle is your long lasting successful BFP!
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