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For the past several days I've been contemplating (more than usual) what to say as we leave this year behind. I've read every one of your comments from the last 4 weeks and re-read some from months past. Your words are filled with every imaginable experience, opinion and emotion. In a sense, you shared your "secrets".
Yet, the truth is, in our day-to-day interactions, we rarely express our secrets, all of our true emotions, or let people see our real life or self — for acceptable reasons. But it happens here on this blog — many of you boldly admitting, owning and sharing thoughts, desires, insecurities, pain, embarrassment, vulnerability, alienation, fear, dreams and more.
As a caregiver to someone with a dementia, most of you will have many of these emotions and it can be the negative ones that consume us. So, the question isn't whether or not you (we) experience fear, pain and other emotions. The more important question is: How do you move through these emotions in an honest way so they don't paralyze, break or keep you from being who you really are?
The way we transform our insecurities, sorrow and other difficult emotions is by admitting them, owning and expressing them. This is what takes place here by so many of you. When you open up and reveal fear and pain, or the ways in which you feel flawed or imperfect, a piece of the struggle goes out of life. A door is opened for hope, joy and relief to enter.
Something else extraordinary happens — you make it safe for others to reciprocate and share their own stories of struggle. You reclaim what's important in our life — to be a part of the (imperfect) human family. Through this blog community I witness a beautiful synergy between the sharing of our truth and space for compassion and happiness to enter. I see a place where we learn about others, and at the same time we learn more about ourselves.
So, I decided what I want to say as we leave 2011 is best expressed by Bonnie (blog contributor):
"Cheers to each of you ... some of the nicest people I would love to meet"
Angela Lunde
Selecting "Submit" signifies that you have read and agree to our posting guidelines.
Does anyone have knowledge of resources for dealing with guilt over placing a loved one in a dementia unit?
We just placed our father in a dementia unit a few days ago and we are having a terrible time dealing with the guilt. We know that he feels abandoned and wants to go home; yet he is even wonders if his own home is really his. We have done at home care for nine years, but we couldn't get sleep. Somehow we just can't accept this even tho it is a very caring dementia unit. Will this pass? He is packing all his clothes to go home every day. It has been 6 days and all we do is cry
I'm writing a blog to de-stress myself and would like to share....sheilamariegrimes.com
Jack is my 86 year old father-in-law, I recently married for the second time Sept, 2011, to his step son Terri, who has been caring for Jack the past 12 years by himself. When I met Jack, I knew that one day if I married Terri I would become that second wife to Jack as a caregiver in their home. It's been almost 2 years and Jack is slowing way down, and dementia is setting in more and more each day. I read stories of incouragment on here and it helps me alot. At least once or twice a week I stuggle caring for him. I took a leave of absence from work to be his permenant caregiver because we did not have the heart to change his normal daily process by putting him in a nursing home. His behaviors sometimes bother me alot, like stairing at me all the time every move I make and even while I'm eating,following me around as I do daily chores. He gets into this habit process like eating 8 yogurts a day or pudding and a gallon of koolaide or soda. We had to lock one of the frig's to control his fluid intake,he goes from one habit to another after we control another. Now he sneaks yogurt and soda from our personal frig. when the door to our room is open,so we put lock on our door. We bought him a personal frig. for his room and he was told that what is in there is what he allowed to have each day as it is stoked in the mornings but he won't touch the other things only the yogurt and pudding. He eats because he is bored,and watches tv all day,he won't socialize outside the house. Help
Hello to all of you amazing people! I have just come across this blog by accident when I was researching another medical issue and I have never been so pleasantly surprised. I am the main caretaker for my 85 year old mother who has Dementia. Oh what a challenging journey we are on, as I obviously do not have to explain to all of you. But in reading the stories here about how the emotions can run from one extreme to the next and feeling as though I am now dealing with a 7 year old that wants what she wants right now and if she doesn't get it a tantrum will break out. I too have started to validate what ever emotion she is seeming to complain about at the time, which is usually anger. So I will say, "I see you are very angry" and she gets so excited and replies with "yes I am" as if I am the only one in the world that understands her. Then I will try to divert her attention to another subject just like one other blogger had mentioned and it really seems to help. I don't know if anyone else out ther has this problem but my Mom is so paranoid. She believes that everyone in her AL facility is out to get her right now and she can't seem to get off of that fixation. Any thoughts?
Well thank you all for listening and being here. It sure felt good to get all of that off of my chest. Sometimes I cry really hard and sometimes she makes me laugh, but I just hope she doesn't tell me that she wishes I would be dead anymore because I love her more than anythin
These stories are beautiful. I just want to say that I wish everyone posing here the best as they work through Alzheimer's Disease's effectes with a patient and the time afterwards.
I have just started reading up on this disease both here and on other blogs http://www.squidoo.com/alzheimers-disease-support
I hope everyone has found the support that they need.
My husband's journey through all this horrific
illness ended Feb. 7th. He is finally at peace and the nightmare has ended for him. It is so sad how his family still could not see but a slight change in him, right up to the day of death his daughter asked if they were going to come get him and take him to the dinning room for dinner.
Not even a call from his family, they even over ran the funural, I couldn't even bury my husband like I wanted. I will miss him every hour of the day if not minute of the day. He was like a 5 year old child at the last, and I even miss that child along with the wonderful man that he once was. I am greatful
for God, that he heard my prayer and the angels wrapped their wings around him and took him to a wonderful place, I long for the day that I will see him again.
My husband and I are caregivers for his 100 year old mother who has dementia. We are not sure what stage she is in, but will find out soon at the next Dr.'s appt.
Caregiving is challenging. but when your loved one has dementia, it requires even more patience. The repetitiveness, hiding things and the forgetfulness are daily occurrences. There are days when she feels that we are the best thing in her life and very thankful for us, the next day she wants to tear up the house, she hates it because we are against her.
God bless the families that are doing the best they can to care for their loved ones, it is not easy. Find strength in knowing that when you do the best you can, God will do the rest. : ) Thank you for listening.
This is for Leslie who posted in early January. This is the first time I have ever bogged and it is about something near to me now. I was married to a vet for 23 yrs. He was a great husband and father but things started changing. I wrote letters to his doctors and went with him to appts. but due to his young age, in his 50'es at the time, no one would listen to me. We are now divorced with a 21 y/o and 14 y/o and he has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. He was diagnosed at 59 y/o and is now 60. This man is so stong. He has reversed being a diabetic, survived 5 heart bypasses (although 4 of the 5 are now clogged again), survived a heart attack walking in a thunderstorm to the store last May and has now been diagnosed with a 5.5CM aneurysm of the aorta. The VA sent him home to our 21 y/o after being in restraints for 11 days. We had a time even getting him in the house. He had lost all muscle use. She spent a miserable night with him punching her in the eye and falling from the sofa 4 times. There is not an agency willig to help since he does not have insurance. He did get transferred back to the VA hospital. We are at a loss. He has no other family to help. It is so sad and exhausting. I have not worked a 40 hr. week since last May b/c I am always running him to appts. or get a call that he is lost or left the stove on unattended. Then he has a very lucid day and we get a false sense of hope that he really is getting better. Letting U know I understand!
I am part of sandwich generation, my parents 83 and 84 now live behind us and we provide care while raising our 15 year old. Our daughter is a godsend, her busy activities are all of our sanity. My father has dementia and from all accounts is in the 6th of 7 stages. Right now he can't speak well, needs assistance toileting, wears depends, and is now having problems feeding himself with a spoon or fork. My mother is primary caregiver with us hiring someone one afternoon a week for her to get out, us assisting on weekends, meals on wheels deliveries and us bathing and shaving him. Without question this isn't easy, fortunately for us his personality is sweet. My mother misses her partner and gets very stressed. We try to make opportunities for her to get breaks. Emotionally I am having a hard time. I try to be strong and just appreciate that he's with us and painfree. However I miss our talks and the essence of my father. I know and see glimpses of him, i find him adorable and have a glimpse of what my grandparents saw as they raised him. A trusting man that reminds me of a sweet young child. Simply i have to care and protect him. But how I yearn to talk with my dad again, and have him care and advise me. I miss the strong father that made me feel so safe. Hopefully I make him feel safe. He trusts me completely. I love you dad very very much.
I stumbled on this site, because of my link with cancer survivors, but now I am also taking care of my 80yr old mother. This has been a struggle since I still work full time, but I am very close to my home, from work. I also have a problem with her taking a shower or bath. She thinks that, "just washing down with a wash cloth" is good enough, but it isn't. Also, the constant arguing of her thinking she can be back at her own home. She doesn't understand that that is not ever going to happen again. Has anyone had any success with telling their parent that you cannot be by yourself...?
HI I read Linda's question about getting her mother to the doctor etc;. I have a similar problem with my husband who has Dementia. He loves to go out to eat so I tell him after his appointment we will go out to eat. He still complains about going to the doctor but as long as he is going to get a reward this usually works.
Linda - by the way, I don't want to mislead you - we bathed once per week - it simply wasn't on a regular day because it required multiple approaches so while trying multiple times each day and working toward a routine if it didn't happen on Mon. or Tues. - we'd finally have success on Wednesday.
Linda, I understand the life change of leaving career to care for your mom. I too did this for my mother-in-law. When caring full-time bathing was our biggest challenge. I haven't met a person suffering dementia yet that likes water! Requires creative negotiations. My mom-in-law was a bather. I'd fill the tub & warm the room. Using hit/miss creative and multiple approaches each day. I would negotiate including snacks and/or an activity afterward (important to follow-through!) It was always difficult & required multiple attempts, creative tries in approach and even therapeutic fibbing. I chose morning or evening (before dressing or before bedtime). I got everything ready would bring her into the bathroom and my therapeutic fibbing was usually that she asked to bathe and it's ready to go. She always gave push back I would show her the magazines she asked for - why we didn't want to waste water - in the evening she would have wine (grape juice in a plastic wine glass!) and that I would stay to chitchat. Begrudgingly she'd get in. She would be mad as heck through the process - once she said, "I used to love you - I don't love you any more - when I get out of here, I am going to do something miserable to you - I don't know what that is, but it will be miserable you can bet on it." Following each challenging experience - once dry and warm again - it was as though it never happened and most often if AM she would need a nap because it was stressful for her
I have two elderly parents, one with stroke
(recovered) issues and the second, with
Alzheimer's. My Mom diagnosed in June 2009.
Needless to say, it is quite a challenge. I
blessed because the disease has not progressed
to the more severed stage. I believe she loves being in her OWN home, familiar surroundings, her dog & two cats.
The doc states she is not getting worse, just
more short-term memory loss is being realized.
Each day is different. Lately, I am frustrated and angry at times. Mom loves to
"hide" things, I now just keep what I want to
locate (i.e. coffee/coffe stuff upstairs. It
avoids my hunting in the a.m. when I am in
hurry to get ready for work.
I wonder if anyone out there in blog-land has
any suggestions for utilizing Mom's memory??
Games, I've tried puzzles, crosswords, she isnot much interested. Athough, she loves to
Let me know.
I've been caring for my mom for 11 months. I had to leave my job and move from my home to NY in order to do so. It's been lonely and challenging, yet simultaneously magical and rewarding. However, I have one major issue that I have no clue how to deal with.
She refuses to go to doctor appointments, the beauty parlor, take a shower, etc. Anything that requires leaving the living room is out of the question. Recently my brother and I asked if she'd take a shower at least once a week, and she responded, "Once a week? Are you crazy? I have to take one at least three times a week!" She has no real awareness she doesn't do these things, or a sense of time. Each morning she says today is the day for the beauty parlor or shower or...whatever...and I say, "OK, let's do it!" Like clockwork, she replies, "Dont rush me. I cannot do it now. Maybe later." But later never comes...I just get the same answer.
I had to put her in the hospital in order to get some things checked out since I can't get her to the doctor. Has anyone else had this issue? Does anyone have any suggestions? (She is also legally blind from macular degeneration.)
I am caring for my wife of 51 years, at home. She was diagnosed with AD five years ago. My biggest problem now is her bladder and bowel incontinence. We have been using insert pads, which help but do not overcome the problem.
I would welcome any comments re medication or techniques found to assist in this situation.
I have been caring for my mom for just 6 months that is compounded by care for my dad related to a hip replacement over the summer. I admire all of those that have been in this situation for years. The main problem I am having is with a sister that lives just 5 miles away. She is a psychotherapist that has compassion for clients but not her family. She has no respect for my efforts and will not talk to me about plans that she has for them. She makes plans for my mom without asking if I think it appropriate or not. Many times the plans are in the evening which is particularly difficult for mom. She becomes completely disoriented and doesn't remember that she has lived in this home for 50 years. I would like to keep mom in at night especially, but that desire is being undermined by my sister. How do you deal with siblings that not only refuse to assist in any manner, but then undermine your efforts?
I too am a longtime member of the sandwich generation club as primary caregiver for my 86 yr old mom over approximate ten year slow but steady dementia journey. This summer she went from comfortably living at small ALF to hospital after small stroke, then to nursing home one month for rehab. Ugh!-could not settle for 'good enough' care for my mom who deserves 'nothing but the best'. As a nurse, I could not lower my standards. So... on the search again. Found small 3 resident home nearby who could care for her through end of life- perfect. We moved her again Sept 1st. Thankfully she adjusted well, excellent personal care, close enough to visit often and be involved in her care. After about 6 wks there, I was blind-sided with the news home was closing due to financial reasons so for lack of a better alternative, here we are back in her own home (kept for legal reasons) with 24/7 care. Thankfully, because of who she is, she has adjusted well once again. I, on the other hand, am a wreck most days. But because I am committed to see her through this un- asked for journey with dignity, respect, and love there is no turning back. I have 4 sisters who take part but not any more than they have to it seems. This has always been frustrating but in order to keep the peace I just zip it. Did you know there is a silent rule that us caregivers who are also mothers, wives, siblings, friends, employees must always smile, keep calm, stay strong, not show emotion, be present, and carry on ???
For all of you out there experiencing the challenge of communicating with very emotional loved ones with dementia here is system that helped me. On a sheet of paper make a list of all the emotionally charged/negative/frustrating comments your loved one regularly says. Underneath each of these comments write the most positive comment you can think of. For example, to the comment "You never come see me" it could be "I know Mom, I can't wait for the day when I have more time to spend with you." If they something out in left field that is not true you can say "Boy, I can see that this is really making you upset." Then try to redirect the conversation with a compliment such as "That is a beautiful sweater...it looks so good on you, Mom." These are just simple ideas from teaching young children: acknowledge how the person feels, redirecting, complimenting to change their focus, etc. I started doing this with my own parents and saw results right away. Other families in the Memory Care unit picked up on it and were pleasantly surprised at the difference in their interactions. The reason you write all this down is to practice your responses so that no matter what your loved one says you know what to say and are not caught off guard by your emotions.
I am so glad there is others who care for aging parents with dementia.Sometimes I feel so alone and nobody understands.I have cared for mom during the last year as she become worse.During this passed year mom had three homes,her own home/respite at the nursing home which she hated and most of the time with me.Mom I love so dearly,needs 24/7 care.My question is Mom now is in long-term care but I want her home because I know her better than anyone else,she crys for that moment but the next moment forgets.So what do I do??????
My Mom is 92 and is in a beautiful assisted living facility. She is 20 min away but has become increasingly demented and at times is quite angry that I do not visit more often. I will be honest that visiting with her is not always pleasant as she is demanding and I often leave feeling as though I can never please her. I am an only child, work full time, married with 3 college age children. My mother often expresses to her nurses that she is jealous of the time I spend with my family and that I don't include her in all of our activities. This is not possible since she does not move well and gets tired easily. Not to mention that she has no filter and says things that are embarrasing. She won't answer her phone but yet complaines that no one calls. I am feeling guilty for not spending time with her but I find that I come home feeling angry, sad, wishing that I could enjoy being with her.
My family is supportive but they feel that she is well taken care of and I shouldn't feel that if I don't see her at least once a week I shouldn't feel guilty.
I am interested in your insights. Now that my husband and I are empty nesters I would like to spend more time with him. However, my mother makes snide comments about the time I spend time with him instead of her. I have a hard time ignoring these remarks.
I am so grateful to all of you who write I have learned a lot. New years was great but have all of a sudden hit a block wall again with helucidations and not believing this is his house. How have some of you handled this? I did experience early on before he started taking the aricept over two years ago. I think this brought on by a reaction to a new bladder control medicine it happened so sudden when he had been doing so well.god bless you all!
To GrannyBunny, I too am a sandwich generation person. When I read your post, tears filled my eyes because I am currently caring for my mother, who is in late stages alzheimers/dementia. I have been her caregiver since my dad passed away Dec 2006. She has lived with me now for nearly 2 years and her disease has progressed to the point of her being completely incapacitated. I get hardly any help from my brother who lives only a few minutes away. My daughter with 3 young children help me as much as possible. I am a real estate broker by career and have lost my builder client because "I have too many personal issues right now". Nearly everyday I feel the resentment and bitterness swelling up within me, because I did not choose this path! At times I feel as though I am loosing everything from relationships to my husband, kids, grandkids, friends and business. Sometimes I don't even feel like myself. I know I hardly smile anymore. I'm just so tired. But being a woman that was raised with values, character, and ethics, in the quiet part of my heart, I do know that what I am doing is the RIGHT thing. When it is all "said and done",I will have no regrets. My prayer for all the caregivers like myself is "Bless us Oh Lord indeed, enlarge the place of our territory, keep your hand upon us, and keep us from harm".
To Bonnie.... If you "think" you may have problems, you May wat to consider being tested.
It doesn't hurt, ad it isn't probably as bad as Fials in your classes.You could clear up your questions and your Fears. Nothing is worse than "getting up in the dark each morning". Life is much less stressful when "the light is on" I know, I have MCI, there are many things to do. Not only for your own health,but your Real Peace of Mind. I have learned one thing so far that has "stuck" when I talk to someone (family or friend) about my DX, they don't know how to respond... now I know why.. it's because it makes them look at their own lives,it makes them look at "Where They are" and "Who They are", and They get scared.(I get it now) I am scared everyday, but my HABITS are going to "keep me Floating for as long as God sees fit. Bless you in your decision in what to do.I am on our 45th class reunion committee and I am busy with the committee (they have no idea) so keep studying, even if you do have MCI you can learn good habits to help you stay active. I just ask that you find an excellent doctor (Mayo is good) and find out what to do after the DX, don't give up on yourself. God Bless all the Caregivers, I did it that too for 9 years with my father, and that memory still is bright as a light.
Many responses to this week's column reveal just how important it is for people to communicate with others in a similar situation who 'get it.' I strongly urge those who are not yet meeting regularly in support groups to check with both the Alzheimer's Association and the Alzheimer's Foundation (they are different organizations)to see if there are available support groups in your area. Hospitals and nursing homes treating Alzheimer's patients also often offer opportunities to join support groups. Posting on sites such as these are excellent ways of sharing, venting, learning, and feeling like you are 'with others' and not going through this Alzheimer's journey alone. But there is no substitute for being with others in your situation each week. I'm lucky that my group meets weekly. Most meet monthly. I find this site and one other site, www.thealzheimerspouse.com, both invaluable. I go to each website to read new postings every single day, even though I may only post comments occasionally. But my advice to those of you not already in support groups is to join one if you can!
These posts transport me back 15 years, when my 90-year-old father died, ending 11 years of care-giving. God bless all who struggle under the burdens of this most-sacred duty! I'm a member of the Sandwich Generation, who cared for my parents while simultaneously attempting to raise my son, from middle school on, as a single parent. Caregiving is the most demanding job in the world; when dementia is involved, many times more so. The last 2 1/2 years of Papa's life, he sometimes didn't know who I was, was combative and accused me of stealing from him. He required 24/7 care, and I genuinely gave my all; nevertheless, his accusations were extremely hurtful. I received some help from my 2 sisters, my son and my daughter-in-law. But, mostly, I was on my own, terrified of running out of money, strength and coping skills. Going in, I was a successful attorney in solo practice. Disastrously, I tried to continue practicing law while caregiving, and, ultimately, had to abandon the profession that was such a source of pride to me and my family, allowing my license to permanently lapse. I had always saved, but, by the time Papa died, had exhausted my life's savings. In some ways, it seemed I had lost almost everything; but, I had gained so much more. God blessed me to care for my parents in their final years. It was absolutely the right thing to do; there's no higher calling. I was severely tested, but have the satisfaction of forever knowing that I did the right thing.
My husband just got out of the hospital for seizures but I think he's getting dementia. I am not sure he knows who I am all the time. To Vi, my husband is a vet but they told us he was not eligible for long term care. Maybe it's the level of disability - he got epilepsy in vietnam. All I do is cry. I try not to argue but I am new to this caregiving. It's very hard when my husband of 65 asks me the same question 50 times. I always ask god for a good day and haven't had one yet. I hope 2012 is better for all of us.
This is the first time I ever blogged about any subject. Through the tears that are happening as I type, I can now see how very, very sad I am about my mother's Alzheimer's. Strange that i have not acknowledged this in writing but it has been a rough and busy year. This christmas I found myself "fluish" for three weeks which now I suspect was more of a signal. Tt's time to be silent and look at the impact of my mother's disease on me.
I am a "sandwiched" mother of tweens. I am the Power of Attorney for my AD mother and just recently executrix of my father's will. (Don's) comments on January 2nd remind me of my dear father who remained loyal to his wife of 58 years.
I suspect that this is my first blogging experience but as I come to the end, it will not be my last. My tears were overflowing but just the act of stating this all onto a non judgemental and I suspect a compassionate forum has helped me to begin this day feeling a wee bit better :)
This is for Don-- Don, I also do the grocery shopping and prepare nearly all the meals, along with cleaning house and washing clothes. My wife of 38 years was diagnosed with early onset dementia 2 years ago, but had dementia 2 years before she would see a doctor for testing. 4 months after the neuropsychological evaluation of dementia, she was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and had very intense radiation and chemotherapy. I look at it as a blessing she is still here after beating the cancer - she has a great attitude and is a fighter; and it is God's will. I often have real trouble distinguishing between effects of chemo/radiation and the progressive dementia. As do the doctors. I get frustrated that I can talk about one thing, and within a minute she can bring it up as if we have never discussed before. I try try try to never never say that we just talked about that or just did that; but sometimes I slip and say the wrong thing. I ask God to grant me patience and serenity. I have 2 wonderful grown children in the immediate area, and they and their spouses are most supportive and helpful; but they have their own children to care for. I am most fortunate that my employer allows me to work from home all the time, so I have a diversion during the day and evening to work at my office/room. I try try try to always remember this is not my wife's choice, and like Don, my oath on our wedding day was "in sickness and in health." Hang in there Don, and get any help a
This is for Bonnie, who fears that she may be developing AD like her mother. Reading your post, I think you must be under enormous stress, and very tired, both from your university programs and caring for your mother. If you are worried as well about developing AD, you could eliminate this additional concern by having yourself tested. I think a lot of us worry about developing the illness ourselves, and the least little lapse of memory can create a panic response, which only feeds the worry some more. I hope you will see your doctor and let him/her know how you're feeling - you could be suffering from physical and mental exhaustion, or perhaps there is another health issue causing your symptoms. To the rest of you - your comments are at once both heartbreaking and encouraging - such a contradiction. Be peaceful and well in 2012, and peace to those you care for too.
I feel guilty to often for not handling the day to day stuff better. I feel like I have to force myself to face each day positively. It seems hard to make decisions. I miss the fun times we had with family, my husband just can't deal with much any more. It's good to be able to read how others are dealing with their things.
Happy New Years all you caregivers,
This is the first time I have posted a comment but enjoy reading all of yours. I too am a caregiver for my husband who was diagnoised with early onset Alz at age of 58. That was 11 years ago and he is still functioning pretty well, although he doesn't know who I am about 50% of the time. I think that is the hardest part for me. I just pray for the strength to continue taking care of him and to keep my sanity! I do believe God never give you more then he give you strength to handle.
God bless you all
I learn about all of your challenges here, and it makes my own seem small. My mother just turned 92 last Friday and has settled into the type of dementia normally associated with aging. She still lives alone in a small apartment with her cat, but we have someone with her three days a week to clean, cook, and keep her company; then I am regularly in and out on evenings and weekends, with frequent phone contact. Memory is her greatest issue, though she sometimes feels that she slept in a different apartment and was brought back to hers in the morning. We assure her she is where she is supposed to be, and she is fine with it. While she does relatively well, I consider her status to be a day-to-day consideration. I am always aware anything can happen without notice. I ask God's help in granting me the wisdom to know what is right for her, and when to make adjustments. The uncertainty is difficult, and I know things could be much worse, and likely will be in the future. But love carries us and will see us through. I do, however, get lonely and sad at times, and it is hard to fight these moods. I am also on the run most of the time, since I work full time. So much gets left undone in my own home. Fortunately, my husband is very patient with this, and helps where he can. I will be 60 this month and regularly pray for strength and courage. I have always been strong, and the uncertainty and weakness are unsettling. I wish all of you many unexpected blessings in 2012!!
Looking back over the past year I have made some conclusions based on personal experience.
I am a male care giver for my wife of 48 years. She has reached Alzheimer's type behavior. I care for her at home because I took an oath to stand by her "in sickness and in health" and I have to fulfill my promise.
Home Health Care services are unsatisfactory. The agency sends whomever they have in their inventory. The clients (us) are some of the most vulnerable segment of our society and don't complain if the service fails to meet contract expectations. The agency charges are not reasonable for the education and experience of the hired caregivers. There may be exceptions but I have not found one.
Family members need specific tasks that can be met within their available time and resources. When I meet resistance or failure to help me I ask them to pick a nursing home and come up with $4,000.00 per month and tell her you want her to pack up and move.. It works.
All the advice I have received comes from a woman's point of view. "Get some relief or you will burn out" "Get some help" "Call some of the numbers on the list published by Alzheimer's Association" "Ask your children to help out."
I suspect there are many men serving as care givers but we (as a collective) don't whine, complain or ask for directions. Even the book, Men As Caregivers, is mostly research by women.
Any men out there that buy groceries, prepare meals,
It was at church when the pastor said in life our rolls change, At that time it was like a flash I am a servant to my husband not one that we share events together any more. Then the next week the other pastor our position changes this time it was Why are you having trouble with this idea of being a care giver because you worked in the medical field for over 20 years, the difference is in those 20 years it was 8 hours a day not 24 hours a day. That gave me the peace I needed to make since of it all.
This is for Cindy whose Dad is having trouble distinguishing clean from dirty underwear. If your simple remedies haven't worked, there probably isn't anything you can say that he will remember. So, the best you can do is: 1) place the clean ones so they are closest in his line of sight/reach, 2) remove the dirty ones from reach as quickly as possible so they are no longer a choice, 3) try not to let it bother you if he does end up with not- so-clean underwear on.
HELP! I need advice. My father is having trouble distinguishing between clean underwear and dirty ones. What simple sentence can I use so he can put on clean underwear. I have tried simple ways but it is not clear to him. Any suggestions? Happy New Year to all us caregivers.
My Mum with AD has been in a care home for a year. I always try to remind her with photos and certificates etc what she was and what she did in life, (nursing). She gets some joy but doesn't remember anything afterwards. I feel sure that raising her spirits improves her state of mind. We can't bring back her memory but it's still possible to give her love, care and some joy. Even if it breaks our heart to see.
Once again I'm thanking you for all your insight into our lives. We continue to put on or happy face for our children during these days of Christmas because we want things to be as they used to be for our celebrations. Only you and the folks on this blog know the hurting heart we have. My dear sweet husband asked me the other day, You don't know who I am, do you?"
Thank you for all your comments about coping.
I want to thank you all that have posted your trials and errors of being the caregiver. I am living with and sharing life and love with a wonderful widower with Alz. I fell in love with him shortly before we were able to have him diognosed and started getting treatment. It is going on 3 years and the decline has slowed because of the meds I think. I have learned so much from all of your blogs. Thank you so very much for sharing. I have a couple of things that help me when I get down and one is a quote I heard some where " blessed are the cracked for they let in the light" and when it gets really bad I remember to ask God for help and repeat to myself "if He leads you to it He will lead you through it"
God bless you all!
I noticed another Hélène on this site. Hello.
Happy New Year to all. I think it might be a good idea to share Angela's end-of-the-year newsletter with those around us who might not understand the task we have undertaken as caregivers. I think expanding the sharing to an outer circle might help us. Goodbye to a hard, hard year! But as someone said, "it is what it is". And welcome to new energy, new strength, new confidence, new mindsets to face all the next challenges. As I write these words after a heavy crying spell, I wonder if I believe them, but I will keep affirming them for comfort to myself and to others. Peace and respite for all in the coming days!
This is my first time to post. My husband was diagnosed in 2002. I am his only care giver. He wants me to go to bed with him at 6 in the evening, he likes me close to him. One night when he went to bed alone, he got up at 10 and said aren't you going to sleep with me tonight and I said I will be to bed at 10:30 after the news. He got mad and said you are just using me! I have to laught every time I think of that. I get out to a bible study once a week. We have a wonderful program here called minds in motion. They have been so much help on Med, there is no Dr in town that works that close with AD, so we went to SIU in springfield, Il Thanks to all who share.
Thank you so much - what you wrote today is very much what I need to hear! My husband, 56, was just diagnosed last year and is in the early stages. I feel so dumb when I see something that he has been struggling with that I hadn't noticed. But you are so right - we are only human and we do make mistakes. I try my best to learn from my mistakes, because it's all I can really do, and that helps me put it behind me.
Thanks again!
Thank you all for your support. I am on this ride too. May these two beautiful women in this link
share "One more memory" with you as they have with me.
Alzheimers is ripping my heart out!!!
I have a secret fear that Mom's AD is beginning to happen to me. I would like to believe that I can fight it off by keeping my mind active. I am a full time student finishing my undergrad degree. I have plans to go to law school. But I am 48! BSBA at 49. JD at 52 or 53. Should I even bother???
Look at Ronald Reagan. His mind was very active. How did he end up with AD???
Some days I just want to be brain lazy. AD must make people like that ALL THE TIME!
It is easy to just let it go. To stop caring about anything. To lose interest.
Mom says I am thinking too much. I'd like to take a break but I am afraid to.
I am an honor student yet I can barely remember what we covered in the classes just last semester. My short term memory last just long enough to take the hardest exams I could ever imagine. Then I walk out of class and it is GONE.
My daughter used the word, "margarine" the other day. I had to remember what margarine was. Sometimes I wonder if God does that to me so I have empathy for Mom. I'll tell you, it works!
Reading these entries I can tell we are all definitely in the same boat. This is my husband's 8th year with AD. He doesn't know me, our children or grandchildren. Bathing him is a major undertaking, he now needs help in the bathroom, can't dress himself, etc. He has always been thin but is down to 115 lbs at 5' 10" tall. I know I lost him long ago but he's still here. I guess that's why they call alzheimer's the long good-bye. I am just physically and emotionally exhausted. I am his sole caregiver, friends seem to have just disappeared.I do have 3 hours of respite care twice a week. He is on the waiting list at the Veterans home 40 minutes away from our home, they said it will probably be a couple more months. I am so torn up, don't know if I can do that or not. I need to do what's best for him, not what's easier for me. He has been running away, I had to put an alarm on the front door.And finances are an issue too. It is just so heartbreaking, he was an engineer for almost 30 years and now can't even answer the phone or do even the simplest tasks. I pray for all of you each day. I know God will see us through but it is still so hard.
My Mother-in-law has been living with my husband and our family for the last 4 years, she is now in the last stages of Alz, my husband and I have been married for 28 years. Together for 34 years, my motherinlaw does not know who l am or who our son is, it so hard now taking care of her, she thinks I am the maid, treats me like the help, Christmas was so difficult, I'm sticking through it because. I remember how much she used to love me and my son, her grandson, its such a struggle but we find our strenght from or faith and our love, I hope in the end she finds peace and we find hope, that someone finds a cure for this horrible thing called Alzheimer's!
Angela: Thank you for your wisdom. Your recent comments capture what is best about this blog; its candor. May God Bless us all with strength and compassion in the coming year. I am the primary caregiver for my husband. As 2012 arrives, I can't help but wonder how many more years I will "ring in" as a caregiver. I have other roles. I am daughter, mother, sister, nurse, but first and foremost, I am a caregiver. Everything takes a backseat to caregiving. As each year begins, I find myself hoping it will be the year my husband passes and is freed from the bonds and suffering of AD- and the year I am freed from the bonds of caregiving. Sounds harsh, perhaps, but it has been nine years since AD seized control of our lives. I do get out and I do get some(not much) time to myself, but whether I am home or not, whether I placed my husband in a nursing home or not, my life is bound to his by love, his need (he is totally dependent) and wedding vows and that is that.
This comment is directed at Barbara, who is guardian & conservator of her husband. With my options being basically divorce or give guardianship & conservatorship to the public administrator, I chose to let the courts handle my husband's care, even though the only need for that was to satisfy my step-children. I too, feel like I have been stripped of my rights as a spouse of 18 years. That is what hurts me most. What keeps me going is a daily visit to see my husband at the Nursing Home and just knowing that I am truly his wife, no matter what the courts think. Know that you have his love to keep you going; even though the court appears that they do not respect that. Hold onto what you know you are to your husband; it will give you strength to keep going and allow your husband to have some semblance of happiness in his final time. I am still fighting to be in your shoes and be the guardian/conservator for my husband and hope that 2012 will bring my patience to fruition.
This is my first posting as I have followed this ongoing exchange for several months. My wife was a cardiolgy nurse for 32 years. Looking back when she was 50, signs of FTD were unknowingly surfacing. Frontotemporal dementia strikes at an early age. She had to quite nursing 7 years ago and I kept her at home for 2.5 years, then unable to care for placed her in a dementia care facility. She has been there 4.5 years. She is 60.
I still have to work to keep her there. The emotional and financial struggle is beyond description!!! The stress level is unbearable and has affected my health. Stress can kill you, believe me. I go out each day at lunch or dinner to help feed her. We have two sons, both live away from here. I have no family close for support and most of our friends have melted away. I am committed to my wife's care, but the lack of companionship really isolates me. My family supports my moving on in a relationship but meeting that person is seems impossible. I struggle to keep going at times. My saving grace is exercising---everyday swim 1 mile+ and walk 2 miles to keep the endorphins flowing. I try to avoid medicine for depression but at times want to give in. Any helpful advise is welcome.
I am so thankful for this blog to help family members who are on this journey. Both my parents had dementia and I found myself in this situation with absolutely no knowledge or understanding of the disease. Lots of research, reading, and consulting with others (especially caregivers) made the difference between emotionally drowning and actually being able to keep afloat. Once I understood what was happening with my parents I was able to figure out all types of ways to care for them and set simple systems in place that made all three of us experience success in the course of the day. Caring for my parents was the most difficult challenge of my life but it changed me in the most profound way. I am now able to help others by supporting them, letting them vent their frustrations, and helping guide them through this overwhelming heartbreaking time. Denial is the most negative thing for you...acceptance opens the door to moving forward in providing the best care not only for yourself but also for your loved one.
All the best to everyone who is a contributor here , your experiences and encouraging comments have been a source of learning and comfort. My mom(86) pass away in October 2011, last stages of Alzheimer's disease, her body had given up on her, but her will was still strong, I had to reassure her it was alright to go, please , we simply didn't want her to stay and be in pain..I never wanted that.Myself and mom's experiences very much mirrored many of yours,you showed me when to draw on my patience, when to reassure her, I did all this, I would cuddled my mom in my arms literally and say to her you are my baby now. I'm still healing, but it bring me great comfort to know through you I learnt many things which I used to care for my mom until the last. To you all I say thank you and I will continue to encourage you all to give of your best love and care, it works better than any medicine.
All the best to you.
I'm reading this blog for the first time. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimers 1 1/2 years ago. In June of 2011 he was hospitalized with kidney, liver and heart failure. He was given 6 months. He is still alive and while he is frailer he keeps up with activities such as volleyball and photography.
In May I gave up a job I loved because I knew he needed more care. It was the right decision but I am lonely and restless now. I need to find some help at home and some outside activities for me. That is my plan for 2012.
This blog is really good for me to read. This past year has been terrible for my husband and I cry a lot. He has several things wrong with him. He just got out of the hospital this past tuesday. He almost fainted in the jewel. He has authostatic hypotenion. Which is high and low blood presure. This hosp stay was his potassium level was really low. He had a grand mall seizure in november and has not been the same. Yesterday, he was having a hard time talking to me and couldn't put an intelligent sentence together and can't remember words. He hasn't been properly diagnosed with dementia but took all tests about a year ago and flunked. So, I am at the beginning. He tells me he is fine but i think when it starts, the patient doesn't realize what is happening to him. Yesterday was very scary for me. We are going to see the doctor tpoday. He is not on meds for dementia yet and I'm wondering when that will happen. My husband and I are both 65. I am blessed with good health but patience and tolerance I am really lacking. A support group sounds good. I don't have help yet and I'm afraid to leave him. This blog is teaching me a lot. I hope 2012 will be better for us and everyone on this blog. Happy New Year to all of you.
The Holidays have been so hard this year and as I sit reading thru your many comments, I know I am not alone in this journey. My husband is 85 and has late-stage AD. He is truly a good guy and always concerned about me not that he really knows who I am except I am that familiar face who is always with him. I go to work each day and he has wonderful CNAs who care for him during the day and I am thankful for the Day Care on Sat. so I can do my errands and shopping. Frank needs help with bathing, eating,taking medication and is incontinent. He will try and use the toilet if I remind him and stay with him. I first noticed the condition in year 2000 and each year he gets a little worse. He is totally dependent on me and his caregivers. I am thankful he has a smile most of the time and doesn't fight me when I need to change him or get him out for a short walk. He can still walk but lately he has started to fall so I can't let him out of my sight I love him dearly but caring for him is getting harder and harder. I am just thankful I can get out every day and when I can't I find it most stressful. I just try and keep things calm and quiet and he sleeps most of the day. When he is awake, he wants me close by which is hard. His speech is pretty good some days but then again, I have to guess what he is tring to say. Such a dreadful disease and hopefully someday there will be a cure.
I am a personal care giver for the elderley and i have been reading this blog ror awhile.i am amazed at the steath that peaple have when it comes to their loved ones.I feel i am truey blessed to be able to meet and care for the loved ones of many famileys.compassion,kindness,caring,and a little pray to god every day is what gets me threw alot of hard times.i absaloutly love being a caregiver.Hang in their everyone wheir their is a will their is a way.
This is a post for Mary Ann. My experience is that after his stroke, my husband was not able to plan rationally for the future, nor consider how my health and strength might be affected by his illness. It's a matter of diminished mental functioning, not one of character. If you think you'll be better off near your daughter and in a warm climate, it should be really up to you to make the choice. You may be leaving old and dear friends, however, and those are not easily duplicated. Depending on your husband's state of health, you might have a Hospice or at least a support group you can attend in Florida (or Illinois). An AD support group is a necessity you may not realize until you try it for several meetings.
It's amazing how few people take advantage of these groups. I guess that leaves the few of us in luxury. I think if everyone with our needs showed up, there'd be a tsunami of distressed caregivers calling attention to a situation that can only get worse as our population ages. We shouldn't have to do this on our own. Maybe someday there will be Care Networks set up for these long term care situations. I've been at it for 12 years, so my 70's have been lost in a blur of learning how to do this "well enough". Just the physical demands alone are hard, but I pretend it's part workout -- weight-lifting and isometrics!
My dear Mom (81) died 7 weeks ago,on Sunday, 11/6/11 from "end stage Alzheimer's dementia". I am very sad. She knew her mind was going, but continued being nice to everyone and to the end, she always knew we were her daughters.
Five weeks before Mom's death, my sister died on 9/30/11, she was 59 years old, she died 3 days before her 60th birthday. She had diabetes and MS.
I'm having a hard time really believing they are gone
Bless us one and all, and thnak you all for writing of your experiences: the challenges, the frustrations, fears, moments of joy and transendence. The words bring comfort (we are not alone) and they inform our journey thru this slow goodbye that is Alzheimers. May 2012 bring us the patience we now need in abundance, that and the ability to live more in the present.
December 29,2011 7.36 p.m..
2011 has been really hard for me,frustating at times, lack of patience,angry, sad. I have to treat each day in a new way. Most of the time find it difficult to communicate with my husband always looking for ways to make him smile or laugh. Hugs to all of you and happy holidays.
I don't know what I would do without my husband who has been with me all the way the last five years in caring for my mother (now 90) who lives with us and has dementia. I was talking to him about how frustrating it is for Mom and me to have a conversation because now she says only a few words, and I can't tell what the topic is to try and help her. As described in many of your comments, we then go through a question-answer game of trying to figure out the meaning, only to find that she doesn't remember her thought. My husband said something profound to me:"You're still acting like your mother is going to get better." I realized that I still hadn't fully accepted the reality that, while there are better days, there won't be a better brain. Guess I'm getting to the acceptance level of the grieving process. Hugs to all of you out there and to your loved ones.
This is my first time reading the blog -- not sure why -- wasn't ready, I guess. My husband has Lewy Body Disease w/Parkinsonism features (cousin to AD?) -- happened after complications from hip replacement surgery in July of '09. He is 81, I am 76 and things seem to be getting more difficult every day. However, we just returned from 2 weeks in Fla. to visit our daughter who is encouraging us to move there from our current home in Illinois. He is VERY reluctant to do this but my own health is failing as a result of taking care of all his needs. We are going to try to get help in the house a couple days per week.
After reading some of the comments I realize not only that "I am not alone" in my position but how very much I have to be grateful for. Many of you out there have it much harder than I do on a daily basis.
You are all in my prayers now for the courage and stamina to stay strong to not only care for your loved one but to take better care of yourselves. If we go down what will happen to them?
Blessings to all in the New Year and let's just all hang in and support each other in any way we can --- I hope to visit with you all often in the future.
The holidays are a magnification of all the other days of the year. This 24/7 care is a lonely journey. Friends and family don't know how to help and I am not good at asking for help or telling them what to do. My husband's dementia disease (not alzheimers) leaves him unable to function much on his own but yet he can converse some and is intellectually able to understand all that is said, or done or not. Being "left out" hurts....being left sitting where everyone else was is cruel. I don't have an instruction book just common sense and I ask that all who are dealing with us just use theirs and be patient and considerate.
I would like to say, it is comforting to read these letters and know I am not the only one going through being a caregiver to my husband, or being a caregiver at all. I can't
say that and be truthful. This is a very hard way of life, to care for someone who was strong, and now I have to be more than strong,
I have to be both him and me.Some times he get's frustrated, and his mood gets ugly.
That's when it is really hard to take. He can still do some things for himself, but not very much. I am in my 70's and as for golden years,
there is none. It's hard to keep from going into depression,but I cannot let that happen,
what good would that do? I pray to keep my health, and a clear mind so I can always make the right decisions at all times,so he is well cared for, till God's will be done.
Bless all of you who are in my situation, and may the New Year bring a little miracle to us all, those with AD and their caregivers.
Everyone says I am depressed because it is the Christmas season. That may be part of it, but so much has happened over the last 5 years that it boggles my mind. If I were go into detail I would never get through. first of all I HAD a wonderful son who had brain damage. He was my mainstay. He was my encourager. Then he got sick and died. That same year we moved, my daughter married, I broke my arm and my husband was diagnosed with a condition that causes dementia. He has a son and a daughter. I have a daughter and granddaughter and a wonderful son-in-law. My husband did not take care of his finances and now I am his guardian and conservator. The probate court is too difficult to deal with so I hired a lawyer for the nitty gritty that I could not get to yet it needed doing, by the advice of the financial advisor I hired to help. Nothing can be done without the courts approval and the pro bono lawyer for my husband who takes thier time .All of this cost money (my husbands) and I am left using only my money to keep the house and other necessary things going. I am not treated as a wife by the court. I even had to get a bond. His kids do not live in the state. So that is good. They have added more stress than I can deal with and stay healthy. I end up spending more of my money to purchase small things for him and that adds up. his children wold have a fit if I used"his money." Yet we have always lived in my house. He has 3 properties and they won't sell because of the
To all of you who do understand, I am grateful. Few friends ask anymore. My life has become simplistic - how can I make my mom's life easier, as well as my own. Today when I visited her, several items had the one word FIX taped on. The TV - batteries in the remote had gone dead - slacks had grease in the pant leg and a vest had food droppings on the front. It was her only way to communicate. With the help of daily CNA's for meds and showers, I get a break. I pray GOD continues to give me/us strength to carry on. May a cure be found in 2012. Hugs to all caregivers.
You are SO right about sharing and releasing our imperfect and negative thoughts and feelings. That can be so very constructive for oneself and for others who can then reciprocate. Healing comes from accepting our imperfection and simply doing the best we can at the time. When Ed is angry at me, the best approach is often a genuine hug and an "I'm sorry but I am doing the best I can." It took me a while to be able to say that and believe that my best was very okay.
Bad year..Patience has run out.
My husband, age 75, passed away on Dec. 19, 2011, just days ago. Our journey began in 2005 with AD. He was recently diagnosed with FTD, a more difficult and agressive form of dementia. We had been together since I was 15 and he was 17 and married 54 years. I wouldn't trade one day of the time I spent with him, no matter how difficult it became. Our children and grand children have been beyond amazing, helping and supporting in every way. He was my soul mate, my friend. He was at home with us until the last several days. Hospice was phenomenal, as you would expect. The emptyness without him is painful but his quality of life was gone and he needed to be free of that body that didn't work. He is free now, and I'm grateful to God for taking him home. So keep on doing what you're doing for your loved one.......it will bring you peace and comfort some day.
Frustration, It gets more and more difficult. $$$ go so far for help
This is my first post. My 90-yr.-old mom lives with me--it's been 5 years now. I am her primary caregiver, but I have two 20-something daughters who have helped, too, as I work full-time as a teacher. The girls are having to move on now, and I must find outside help. Mom cannot be alone. Finding an agency/home health aide is weighing on me.
The other things that are hard to deal with are mom's total lack of hygiene--refuses to let me bathe her, wash her hair or brush her teeth. When I change her depends she hits at me with her fists. Alzheimer's is dreadful.
Ah yes, nilcey put, everyone.
I am so gratful for this blog! I am dealing with my husband who is in the advance stages of AD. He can still function so what, but not without a lot of help and direction. It helps to know that there are many others facing and dealing with the challenges just as I am. I have quit my job because my mother also lives with us and she suffers from complations from a stroke. I could not return and leave him in her care any longer. I do have a few hours of respite thanks to the wondrful people of Agency on Aging. My husband whines a lot and isn't able to tell me what it is he wants. We do what I call 100 question time, unless he can point to it, I usually can not guess. So after a few moments he has fogotten what it was he wants. I have read as many books as possible on this subject and all say one thing in common "seek a support group". Well we live in a very small town, our nearest support group would be at least an hours drive. So not really possible for me. That is why I am grateful for this blog. Thank you all so much for being willing to share.
Thanks for this site as it does help me to read about others and what they are going through. I am the care giver of husband who will be 84 next month, he also has Alzheimer's/dementia, I give him his shower clean his bottom, tell him how to dress etc. It is like caring for a two year old at the age of 78 but I love him so much. My problems are that I lose patience with him and forget he doesn't understand. Thankful that he likes to sleep and will go to bed at 9 PM and sleep until 7:45AM when I awaken him. He helps me put his diaper on each night and I tell him if you get up in the night pull it down then back up, yes he does. He tells me he loves me but I don't really think he knows who I am or anyone else. So thankful that Jesus is my Savior and the promises He has in the Word of God the Bible Is 41:10 helps me get through each day. Keep up the good work and may each of you get the help you need. Some days I wish there was a way to go somewhere without him but then I would feel guilty.
Your blog has really helped us cope with my father's dementia-My parents live and my mom is the promary caregiver while I'm at work. i take the primary role to work with Dad when I come home from work. (I work 5am-1:30pm to be a help to my mom) Your blog has been a comfort, support and has challenged us! We have adopted the "half full no matter what mentality"-It's been a great help to express how we feel about our current situation-we limit our time in the negative and then move on !! My Dad is in stage 2 ( 6 years diagnosed) and still able to do many acitivies with supervised help-He sets the table, clears it, helps with house work and we all walk together in the evening. On days that Dad is not communicating music and our dog Gracie will get him engaged! He listens to music on the tv and sometimes dances aroung the room. Our chocolate lab Gracie will get him talking to her even when He's not talking to us! Thank you for your forum -so many of mom's friend's shun them-They don't want to "deal" with "it"-In time with many more people diagnosed the climate will change for removal of the social stigma
I agree -this last year has been a challenge, and hearing some of you express some of the same feelings and problems that I've had has helped a lot. My huband took a fall the day before Thanksgiving.He hit his head on a window seal and bleed quite a bit he also went into a seizure. We were luckly my grandaughter and her husband were there.Her husband is a EMT and knew excatly what to do.The doctor later told me without the CPR and help he received before the ambulance got there saved Andy's life. Andy remembers nothing of the fall and the time in the hospital. However it seemed afterwards he was really dispressed and confused. Also he wanted someone in the room with him all the t. When I get home after work he follows me everywhere. He went into dreppresion so bad he cried all the time. The doctor gave him some anti-depression pills snd more high blood pressure medicine. It a chore to get he to take them.But they seem to be working. He is still at my heels all the time but he seems to be happy. He has to have help showering and dressing.We have to fix his food and watch him so he does not wander off. It's like having a two year old again.But as 2011 comes to an end - I wish all of you the best and hang in there- we love them no matter what has happen in their lives. I for one am very grateful Andy is still alive and although I have to help him with everthing he does- he still gives me hugs when I need them. God be with all of you and I hope 2012 is a good year for everyone.
This is my first blog, altho I have been reading them for months and enjoy them very much, so many things that I read that is true for me. my problem right now is a year and a half ago I took two weeks off and was going to visit my daughter in WA St.after a week My wife's daughters were having so much trouble with there mother that I came back, my wife was so shook up that I promised her I would never leave her again, I need a break and don't know how to work it out, she has three daughters that live less than a hour away that said that one of them would stay with her at all times, I don't want to break my promos. I really enjoy your program, keep it up.
Lord, I thank you for my friends here on this blog. They and their stories help so much. Lord bless us and keep us as we work together in trying to care for our loved ones.
I appreciate getting your regular articles and this year end reflection is a helpful reminder of the value of sharing the experience. As my mom looses her mind in inches, I have struggled to find my own peace with the situation. It is hard when she asks why my brother hasn't stopped by to visit and he died in 1997. I strive to share brief moments of joy and with the year ending, I offer this moment. She grew up with the parent directive that dancing was "sinful" and while she gave up that belief as an adult, she was never able to dance. the other day, visiting her in her room, we played some lively music and she danced with me, smiling and giggling like a school girl. We both had a big hug at the end of the song. JOY.
It was so wonderful to be with family this holiday season. My husband tried so hard to be "with it" with family and friends, but it exhausted him. Traveling home was a bit more difficult. I find that I am more depressed and angry, but I know that I will arise to the occassion again as I always do. One day at a time!
Dear Ginny,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my father last year to lung cancer and my mom's health is dwindling as ALzheimer's. We noticed this past week, that she is leaning more and more to the left. Hurts to see such an amazingly vivacious and talented woman dwindle down to where she is now. She can't complete sentences, is wheel-chair bound yet has not forgotten us. That is such a blessing.
May you feel God's presence, warmth and comfort during a very difficult time in your life.
Thank you for the encouraging words. It is difficult to deal with family and friends who refuse to recognize and acknowledge the disease that is taking our loved one. It is nice to read that others are having the same problems and struggles as we encounter. May each of you find comfort and joy during this new year.
I am blessed to reminisce about past Christmas times with my mom about my father - who passed away several years ago from Alzheimers. I know that this may be my last Christmas with her and cherish every moment, whether she is forgetful or tired or sleepy or confused, as I am blessed to be the one to care for her during this path in her life. Blessings to you in 2012.
New Year's greetings.....my 82 year old husband with Alz. fell hard a week ago and injured his lower back. He is in a hospital bed in his room now and after a week of home health aides once a day and my own loving care, plus a physical therapist, he took a dramatically downward turn - seems to be "giving up" - very placid and sleeping most all the time - I feel it is the end and the Dr. advised Hospice Care - so today I'll make a decision - I want him to be here at home when he passes. He forgot who I was yesterday - for the first time in 58 years I didn't hear him say "Gin"....it hurt, I cried, I'm preparing, and I'm thankful for this blog. The woman who came for an hour yesterday was like an angel - so kind, gentle and compassionate - I am grateful.
Amen to that! Your column provides a place for all of us to 'meet with others who get it' ... who know what it's like to paddle an unsteady boat in that Alzheimer's lake, even if we all paddle in diferent boats and deal with different aspects of AD, and in different roles. Caregivers all ... whether spouse, child, grandchild, parent, some other relative or simply friend ... the similarities we face each day far outweigh our differences. We all eventually learn to simply acknowledge that "it is what it is" and do our best to deal with what we must deal with. And blog sites such as this, where we can openly share our innermost thoughts and feelings, make dealing with our caregiver roles much more bearable!
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The Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility is proud to celebrate the innovative contributions we have made over 20 years and can attribute our success to the support, encouragement and commitment from our member companies, partners, advisory board, and the millions of teachers, parents, and kids across the country who use and share our programs. We look forward to continued progress in the fight against drunk driving, underage drinking and a safer and healthier America and know that individuals making a true impact will help us all move towards this goal.
In honor of our 20th Anniversary, The Foundation for Advancing Alcohol Responsibility is proud to honor and highlight people who make a difference in our 20 People to Watch. Learn more about each of those 20 People below.

subset: commoncrawl


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(CNN) — Hollywood couple Cherie Johnson and Dennis White say they were improperly stopped by police, put in handcuffs and harshly questioned during a recent weekend getaway in South Carolina. They claim the incident took place because of their race.
Johnson, best known for her roles in TV shows "Punky Brewster" and "Family Matters," and White, from the movie "Notorious," are speaking out about their treatment by a Marion County sheriff's deputy on September 22.
"I've been stopped by the police before, but I've never been fearful for my life," Johnson told CNN on Sunday. "They need some kind of sensitivity training."
The Marion County sheriff issued a statement on Monday promising to investigate the allegations of racial profiling.
The couple, who were in the area after conducting an acting workshop in North Carolina, shared White's account with freelance writer Krystol Diggs, who posted it to CNN iReport. CNN could not independently verify their account but spoke directly to Johnson and Diggs about the incident.
Johnson and White say they were on their way to Myrtle Beach for a quick romantic getaway when they pulled off the rural highway and parked by a cotton field. Johnson said she had never seen cotton before and told White she wanted to take a picture.
As the couple walked back to the car, they said, they noticed a police car with its lights on parked behind theirs. White and Johnson, who are both African-American, say the white officer harshly questioned them about drugs -- he found none -- and the cash he found in their bags.
Johnson was the national cheer representative for the Just Say No to Drugs campaign in the '80s.
According to White's account, Officer Shad Barfield told Johnson there was a warrant for her arrest, which she disputed, and the officer later recanted. He handcuffed White and then Johnson but did not arrest them.
"He told me ... I was being detained for his safety because he didn't know me," Johnson said.
"At this time I became distraught," White wrote in his account of the incident. "I have been racially profiled several times in my lifetime but it touched my core when my woman was included."
Marion County Sheriff Mark Richardson issued a statement on Monday in regard to the actors' claims: "Discrimination in any form, including racial profiling, is strictly prohibited by this department and as Sheriff of Marion County SC, I can assure you I will take immediate and appropriate action to investigate the allegations of racial profiling made by Mr. White and Ms. Johnson. This matter will be dealt with by an internal investigation within the department and I will also ask the State Law Enforcement Division to review the allegation made against Deputy Barfield."
It was Johnson's first experience being handcuffed. Several of her family members work in law enforcement, Johnson said, adding that she's "never been afraid of cops or had bad opinions of them."
This time was different.
After thoroughly searching the car, the officer removed the handcuffs and let the couple go.
"No apology, no nothing," White wrote.
White says he won't stop talking about the incident until "that racist cop" is reprimanded and punished.
"At no point in history is this justified, especially not in this day and age," he wrote.
By Monday morning, the story had received nearly 700,000 views -- making it the fourth most-viewed iReport of all time -- and hundreds of comments about racial profiling and law enforcement in South Carolina and elsewhere. Many readers said they had experienced similar situations.
Actress Kinnik Sky was among those who shared the story on her Facebook page. Sky, who was born and raised in Columbia, South Carolina, said she knew White and Johnson's account "to be absolutely true."
"I was like, 'Wow, boy can I relate,' because I am fearful of the cops as a whole, especially in South Carolina. My experiences have always been horrible."
The former "American Idol" finalist said whenever she returns from Los Angeles to her hometown she gets stopped by police "80% of the time" and questioned about drugs. On a recent trip she was "stopped, pulled over and questioned about every drug known to man," she said.
Her account is strikingly similar to what Johnson and White said they experienced. Johnson said she contacted Marion County for an incident report but was told that one was never filed. In the meantime, she's voicing her views on Twitter and Facebook so others can know what she and White went through.
"I've always been a fan of speaking up and sharing your story," Johnson said. "We're way more powerful in numbers than we are alone."


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Hello, we are back with the lucky 13th episode of the Hearts of Iron 3 development diary. Progress has been going strong the last week, and were happy with the feature we will be presenting today.
So we are back talking about politics. As mentioned in previous developer diaries, Hearts of Iron 3 is a grand strategy war game. Our main focus through out is on the war. However as some German guy once said, war is a continuation of politics by other means. So although we were never going to lavish a lot of attention on it, we felt that politics should at the very least get a little tender loving care. Our goal was to give the internal politics of a country have a little more depth and try to make it function more dynamically. The biggest restriction we placed upon our changes was that it should feel right for the era.
Before we launch into this lets recap briefly about party organisation, as seen a previous developers dairy. Each party has a value representing its relative organisation value inside the country. This number is listed between 0-100 and the total organisation value inside a country will also be 100. This is a 0 sum game where increases in organisation by one party hit the others. This in turn feeds into a partys ability to mobilise support for things like elections and, for those more cloak and dagger types, coups.
First off I suppose your are wondering what happens if you end up with someone like the National Socialists as the largest party but your country is a democracy. In this scenario your democracy is living on borrowed time. Sooner or later there will be a fire in the parliament building, a state of emergency and a dictatorship. Now I know what you are thinking, what are the odds? However as with all these things we work on the policy, well it could happen.
Onto the cabinet, as with all the various incarnations of Hearts of Iron, there is a ten-man cabinet where each minister has a different type of effect. However with new toys we have to play with in Hearts of Iron 3 we have overhauled these effects. We personally felt that a lot of ministers bonuses were independent of your current situation where we feel that the minister choice should reward long-term strategy. So lets look at some of our new minister effects. Your choice of foreign minister will in the main affect your drift, thus who you pick will have a long term affect on which faction your country moves closest to. Same with your military staff positions they, in general, affect practical decay. So if you have Armoured Spearhead Doctrine Chief of the Army he will get you cheaper tanks and better tank technologies but to get the best out of him you are really going to need to build some tanks.
Next, as you are no doubt aware the trusty sliders have gone, to be replaced by laws. We like laws a lot more, because unlike sliders who have a fixed time limit between changes, with laws we can make the switch context sensitive. So consider the situation where your neighbour has become just a little bit threatening, so you up your draft level to increase the size of your army. Then your neighbour attacks you, in Hearts of Iron 2 you would have to wait until the next slider change, with laws since you are at war you can immediately start to mobilise your country for war. It also adds in the effect that moving towards a greater war orientation is not a simple annual step, but an actual process that takes into account the global situation.


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Update: On May 5, the only room type available is with a King bed. With this deal, you don't have to decide yet when to go. Just purchase a voucher from Travelzoo then call the hotel directly at 570-424-4000 to make a reservation for your desired travel dates. Not available on: May 15-16, 22-23, 26. Reservations are subject to availability and early booking is encouraged. A resort fee of $15 per night is not included and will be paid directly to the hotel. See below for full terms and conditions.See all terms
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|Other Comments
Beautiful, quiet scenery. Great golf course.
The room was mildewy and smelled bad. Guests cannot use fire pits without an employee, Since There are only 2 people working the entire night, you know not one of them is going to go out there and let you enjoy a nice cool spring/summer eve fire. And since just about everything shuts down by 10:30, you're stuck inside.
|May 15, 2013 Thomas New Jersey, United States
We loved the grounds and activities.
The shower curtain looked a little dirty and the shower itself was very small. Also, the internet service was very spotty.
|Apr 29, 2013 Tania New York, United States
On site activities- especially the smores!
Very thin walls, but not much to be done about that. We also ordered pillows that were never brought to us.
|Apr 27, 2013 Karina Pennsylvania, United States
The Pocono area is nice and has many interesting things to do, including the Mountain View winery, where they treated us very well.
The king room was so small the bed was against the wall and one of us had to climb out over the other. The bed itself was a conventional spring mattress that lacked much support. To get into the bathroom you had to take a full step up, and once inside, it was so tiny you had to close the door to even have room to sit on the commode. In general, the facility was stretching "quaint" closer to "tired." One of the areas where we looked forward to just relaxing was the huge front porch with rocking chairs, that was until it was apparent smoking is permitted there - so much for ambiance.
|Apr 27, 2013 George Pennsylvania, United States
The hospitality, attentiveness of staff, the breakfast was awesome, and the crab chow dip to due for....very pleasant and the spa...best experience ever....if any one wants to just appreciate nature and tranquillity this is the place
Perhaps the Gleason room, i was under the impression the movie was going to be more home theater like..but it gave a waiting room effect...but besides that it was a nice experience
|Apr 27, 2013 Lythza New York, United States
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