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In several care partner support groups these past couple of weeks, the conversation has turned to the topic of relationships. More specifically, the changes that occur within roles and relationships when someone in the family has dementia.
I was asked if sibling relationships suffer when a parent has dementia. Often, siblings have varying opinions about how to deal with decisions they are faced with at the present time, as well as those down the road. Furthermore, each member of the family is experiencing grief and loss over the situation in their own way and in their own time.
Some members of the family may feel anger or resentment, some may cope by seeking out information and support, while others can remain in a place of avoidance or denial for some time. There can be family conflict and less cohesiveness. Yet, sometimes on this journey families come to a place where they say the disease has brought them closer than ever. I am wondering what your experiences are?
Angela Lunde
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l am pretty much the only one who is acknowledging that Mom has a problem. Everyone else's head is down and they are very involved in their own busy lives. It is pretty heartbreaking how they can do this to my Mom as well as to me. You find out who your friends are and for me many are people online who I do not even know personally.
My father has just been recently diagnosed with Dementia. He was living with my brother for the past 8 yrs and has let him deteriate before his time without me or my sister knowing. He is only 61 yrs old so my husband and I took him in unexpectedly. I am now his sole caretaker, taking him to Dr.'s appts and making sure he has a happy comfortable life. I asked my sister to help out every other weekend, which she has twice, but then started to say she was too busy. It just blows my mind how insensitive she is. This weekend I am allowing him to go visit my brother on a trial basis. My dad is hesitant to go, because I know he understands how he was not well taken care of. My dad misses his grandkids so I called my sis-n-law to make sure he gets his meds, takes a shower, and is not talked down to while he visits for 4 days. Am I doing the right choice, not sure but my husband and I need our time alone too. My dad does not have any money so finding an assisted living home is out of the question until he may qualify for some disability. All I have to say is that I have learned how to be very patient these last couple of months. :)
She has always been my rock and now I can't even have a phone conversation with her. I'm used to talking to her 2-3 times a day. She was my best friend, my confidant, my cheerleader in all things. I miss her sense of humor, the dinners after work and all our "philosophical" conversations. We would shop 'til we dropped and then go have a drink to unwind.
My family members want her to be in a better facility. But the one I found is one of the best in the state.
I did all the paperwork for her benefits, checking accounts, and to make sure she has a little money if she needs new pajamas or something. I am as organized as I can be for whatever happens next.
I miss her so !! How can someone like her become like this? She was always very independent, stubborn, always on the go, did volunteer work. She loved her grandchildren and children so much no words can describe that love.
I miss my Mommie! Is that silly to say? She's here, but not here. I wonder how God handles the people who are on the edge like my Mom?
Lately, I as I said earlier, I cry constantly, I am short-tempered with eveyone, and I hide out in my hobby room so I don't have to think aboutit all. I constantly apologize to everyone for every thing. Even things I'm not responsible for.
I don't know what to do! i hate that she is so vulnerable. I'm scared and I feel so alone!!
My mom has recently been diagnosed with vascular dementia. I cannot believe how quickly she has declined in so short a time.
In May of 2012 she was forgetful, but still living on her own. Then she had what the doctors called 'a stroke-like event.' Since then she has gone down-hill fast. She does not remember family members, she falls often, she either doesn't eat or needs someone feed her.
She is in a skilled nursing facility that takes people that no other facility will take. She was in a group home for a short time, but she became violent, tried to escape and even attacked the caregiver. There were many other inappropriate behaviors and the manager of the group home was relieved when I told him I was making arrangements for her to be moved to where she is now.
I live 3 hrs. away from where she's at so I call every day or so to see how she is doing. I feel like everything is on my shoulders and Im not doing anything right. I feel that I should be down there visiting her several times a week. I cannot do that, as I have husband and home and other responsibilities here where I live.
I feel that I am supposed to be strong for my other family members--but I could use some time to cry and grieve the loss of my mother without having to hurry through a psych appt
or feeling guilty for taking someone's time to express my self. I cry anytime I talk about my mom. She would hate how she is now and be so embarrassed and ashamednthat she is at this point. She has always been my Rock.
my husband has dementia,just diagnosed, forgets everything, We clean houses, ask him to put the laundry in, he does not turn the washer out..same house 6 years working there, I go to put clothes in dryer, they have not be washed, I got him a new chair, he did not want to spend the money..so he SHIT in the chair, he yells out in his sleep, kicks, and fights, I had to put him in another room, Some days are good, others are BAD. I a ANGRY all the time, I do not think I will deal well with this. He is NOT the man I married, He will go through spells of NOT SPEAKING, for the entire day. He walks up behind people in the store and says,,BAAaaaa BAAaaa your a LOST SHEEP of GODS (after bible study) he thinks he can still go deer hunting, he has not gone in 28 years, my son said I can just see you field dressing a dear now dad.He uses his elbows for weapons when he opens the door if I am on the lower step he will try to elbow me in the face instead of saying you are to close. SO I stay away from him, most days he just sits in the chair. When we go out, he gets lost in the store and tells the clerk things used to be over here or there and he is thinking we are in a store close to home. IF I let him out of sight in a store..I get angry when he gets lost and just want to forget shopping.He has a cell phone but he can't hear it in his jeans pocket, and he cannot remember to call me when he is lost. I AM SICK TO DEATH OF IT. Our children live 5 hrs away, they don't see it I want OUT!
Verda, can you get to sn Alzheimers Assoc. caregiver support group or meeting. At least you can call their 24 hr. hotline.
Six years ago my family insisted I stay with my mother in her Florida home until a day care giver could be found. I objected saying Mom should be in NY state where we all live but nobody backed me up. So I'm here again in Florida alone, my mother now in a nursing home in NY state. Six years ago Mom couldn't communicate well but now I remember the sunset walks and drives in the car which always cheered her. Understanding the disease can help to relate to our loved ones in ways not involving memory or conversation. They are lost but we can help them and can have good times even.
I have been the sole caregiver for my mom who was diagnosed with dementia in 2008. I knew prior to that diagnoses that mom was not mom! I spent the christmas season (2010) with a virtual stranger. She is still my mom is body and voice; however; she is not my mom anymore. We are now facing the year 2011 and I feel hopelessly lost. thank you for listening.
To RE: Beyond what the Alzheimer's patient must suffer, it is terrible what this disease does to the sufferer's family. In my post below I've outlined the personal costs and loss of family affection I've endured as a result of advocating for my mother. It's taken me 7 years to understand that they simply do not want to deal with it. My mother is easy to be with so I think it's just simple fear of this illness. My one brother and I are speaking a bit now, and my youngest sister, who suffers from mental illness has never had a problem being there for my mother. As for the rest of the siblings they need to keep it and me at arm's length. Once my mother got her diagnosis, sadly, I think she "disappeared" from their mental horizons. I am sorry this disease has also impacted your family to such a degree.
Since my mother died, and as an only son, we moved our family from TX to CA in 2000. My Dad (now 92) was diagnosed with Dementia by the VA back in 2002. We were not officially told of his medical condition until three months ago when forced. Then things began to fall into place of his different odd behaviors, auto accidents, and lack of fiscal responsibility. Had we been aware and advised earlier, this coaster ride would have been understandable. He is now with 24/7 assistance to maintain his health, safety, and welfare. Checking on him is easy since we live next door by design. We tried a top-rated Dementia/Alzheimer's facility in the area, but the patient to caregiver ratio was too high for adequate care and supervision. After 10 days, he was brought back home for another round of responsibility. This whole situation has ripped our family apart. Our youngest daughter avoided it all by an early marriage, the oldest one is at home, and still angry & seething, my wife has used a hands off approach, while I handle the details. Our lives consist of more than just care for him. We have been self-employed for 7 years. Everything combined has left us town-bound, frustrated, spent, angry, and upset waiting for God to bring things to a close. It is just a one way path that is being traveled by those with an expected end. There are no real answers why it happened, or magic pills or wand waving to help restore a loved one to who, and what they were earlier in life. It just is that
There's something in every single post that I can relate to. My mother is entering the late stages of Alzheimer's and my current family skirmish is about making Mom's final arrangements. It took 5 years for my many siblings to admit there was a problem, and then 3 years more to get her the 24 hour care she needed (she even had insurance for it). After the battle scars barely endured, I've decided I can't waste my limited energy in cajoling, explaining, arguing or begging them to understand the importance of planning for Mom's impending death. I asked my brother, Mom's executor, if we could calmly work this out in advance to honor our mother for a peaceful end and he simply brushed me off as my sisters did as well. I am trying to control my hurt and disappointment but will proceed with the paperwork with what we know my mother wants. With 20/20 hindsight I wouldn't change anything I've done for Mom. I would say that it's best just to be secure in your decisions and do what's needed for your parent. As many have said, despite the difficulties there are loving rewards. Dodge and ignore the bullets from siblings. It's easy to say now but try not to take it personally--a lesson learned after 12 years.
My mother has dementia for the past approx 6 years and has lived with my family for 20 years. Through the years she has helped me raise my family,we feel the onset was linked to death of my 15 year old son with duchenne muscular dystrophy. During these times the amount of stress is more than I'am able to handle. I have 2 sisters who provide no help with care giving and have not given my husband and I a break . The anger and resentment is so that i can"t speak to my sibilings,my husband was told by my sisters that because he made a promise to my father on his death bed that he would take care of our mother that it his duty. I feel so alone my sisters call sometimes once a month my now mother doesn't remeber them. My sister lives 25 miles away when I ask for help like taking for a weekend there is always a problem. I have 2 young pre teen kids and this is unfair to them. dementia and caring for my mother my has forever changed my family.
My father was diagnosed with FTD about 2 years ago. He was 56. My mother developed "poor me" syndrome and has not grown out of it yet. I have 4 siblings - 3 bro 1 sis. My sis is still living at home and is witness to some of the harsh words my mother says to my father. Since he was the provider for so long I honestly feel she has resentment and is mad that he got sick. I feel awful for my dad b/c he knows what is going on to an extent and feels stupid compared to what he once was. My mother's harsh words and actions do not help his situation. We have confronted my mother several times, and nothing has changed. My brothers choose to ignore the situation. I live 1500 miles away. My sister lives with them and puts up with it on a daily basis. She is 22, and feels trapped b/c she is trying to protect Dad from Mom. The girls and one brother (young ones) are at odds with the two oldest (boys) about how to handle the situation. I have contemplated having Dad move with me, but I think that would be a huge disruption to his life. The obvious answer is for my mother to stop being an abusive b**** and step up, but I think she is suffering a loss that she cannot see past. Our family is at odds, and this disease has destroyed more than my father's brilliant mind.
My 92-year old mom is exhibiting bizarre behavior - claiming that people are taking clippings of our shrubs, removing soil and gravel at night, accusing my husband of going into her apartment and switching out things like doorknobs, her toaster and such. But she is very functional in that she cooks, cleans, takes care of herself and drives to shopping. She is very headstrong and independent and I cannot even broach the subject of going to her doctor without incurring her anger. My husband ends up trying to convince her the these things are not happenend which results in them arguing often and loudly so that neighbors can hear. I am at my wits end to do something about the situation and am being bowled over by the stress of this. Any ideas about how to handle her?
My brother died.Doctor's said he died of dementia.He was failing. He looked older than his 83 yrs.yet he was at my house for a family function with my sister-in-law,with no nurse ,caring for himself in his home with his wife(who is 81 and also frail).
8 weeks later after progressively dieteriating he died I don't understand how he can die so quickly.From denentia?
My mother has dementia, she lives 1500 miles from me, I work full time and will be working full time for the next six to seven years not out of choice but necessity. My younger sister lives close to my mother, she has never worked outside the home her husband just retired, and feels I should come home to take care of Mom since I am the nurse, because she wants to spend time with her retired husband. My older sister is retired also and is able to spend time with my mother. They are so incredibly lucky to be able to spend time with both my parents. I do not like the guilt that is heaped on me daily. My husband and I visit my parents when we can afford to do so, and when our employers allow us the time to do so.
I wake up terrified and go to bed scared. I have my elderly mom to take care of, plus a full time job and NO help. She was on Exelon, only 3mgs a day, then the doctor said to up the dose. What a disaster. She is now more confused than ever. Found out she had a uterine track infection, and when she was on the Cipro she was the most lucid I've seen her in YEARS. Co-workers and friends are understanding but I'm still scared all the time. In home help is slow in coming and I don't trust them. I feel so bad, so full of despair!!!
Is Alzheimers the Daughters' Disease?
My situation is so similar to what I read here - my sisters and I are trying to help my mother (Diag 1/09), while my brothers are very much less engaged. Of course Mom resents us, has accused each of us of neglect, trying to steal her car, stealing her BP meds, you name it. She cancelled her life insurance because she was convinced the grandaughter named as the benficiary was trying to kill her. She packed up and left the state, only later to recant and say the girl "made a mistake" but Mom can't remember what it was...
Instead of frustrating yourselves over your brothers, SISTERS I call out to you now - Know this:
You can do something
You can do nothing
But you cannot compell or force someone else to do either. So love your brothers or whomever else "isn't helping" contact support agencies, and DO what you can.
Also I can surprised by the number of people who think that refusing outside help = being an awesome person.
If Mom had broken her hip would you fix it? Why do you think you can fix this? Please, allow yourselves to ask for and receive help in dealing with this disease. It's already tearing our family apart.
my uncle has dementia and suffers with heart problems,depression, mood swings. He is a Vietnam vet. he recently was released from the va hospital my me his power of attorney. big mistake!!!! 4 days later he became very angry, aggressive, and told my son & I
to get out of his house. he not suppose to drive his meds. consist of morphine, ativin, heart pills (2). he does has hospice's coming in twice a week. he is smoking 2 packs per day. I fear he may burn himself and the house down or hurt someone driving his truck.
My mother in law was recently diagnosed with AZ, and after numerous early morning calls due to panic attacks, she was evaluated by a genartologist and gerontologicalical psychiatatrict.
Our family placed her in an Assisted Living Center specializing in dementia care upon the advice of these professionals. Now, Mom is insisting on going home to be with her dog and being combative and abusive toward all of us when we try to either distract her or tell her that going home is not going to work. She's laying huge guilt trips on my sister in law, who's own health is not great, but who is considering taking her home with her just to lessen her own guilt. I know that Mom is in a safe, comfortable, good environment and that the best decision was made for her, but she's laid it on thick with the rest of the family and it's causing real damage.
Does anyone have any suggestions, particularly when she wants to have her dog with her? ( The dog has been given to a new home and is very happy and doing well)
Being the only family member in town with my mother who has early to moderate alzheimers is a difficult situation. My mother was diagnosed with memory loss at the age of 62. Denial among family members was the first obstacle. Now I find that I am being accused of not caring properly for my mother. This is not the case. It is so hard when I am here every day and knows what is going on and no one else understands that. Family members do not call me to see how my mother is doing, ever. They are not respecting my position. Now I am afraid that my mother is saying bad things about me to others. I know this is the disease but is still so hurtful especially when others believe this. I have been told by her sister, whom she only see's a few times a year, that I am a bad daughter. I am always here for my mother to help in any way. I would never show anger or disrespect to her in very trying circumstances. It is so unfair the way this disease is tearing my extended family apart. Luckily, I have a very supportive husband, who is my support and see's everything for how it is.
If you have a family member with Alzheimers, please respect the person who has the most contact with them. It is such a difficult situation and they need all the support they can get. Not questioning and critisim.
My father was diagnosed 4 years ago after my mother passed away. I'm the youngest of 3 caring for my father. My sister being the oldest my brother is the middle child. My sister lives out of state and my brother lives 7 miles from my father. I sold my home to move in with my dad with my family of 4. I work 55 hours a week and care for my father the rest of my waken day. My brother works 17 hours a week and never comes around unless he needs money from my dad. How can I get help from him so my family and I can have a break. I have taken care of everything, dodtor visits, financing,medicine & his home. I've taken care of his will with the help of my sister, she lives out of state but she calls all the time. I need my brothers help!!! I ask but he never follows through. Please help. All the support groups meet in the morning I work so I can't make them. I have no one to talk to. Please some one give me some advise. Thank you.
Judy- my mom was diagnosid with dementia 5yrs ago. I know now that she was having problems much earlier and none of us (5 siblings)knew it. We knew she was acting different but shrugged it off. Mom raised us by herself and still to this day is very independent,stubborn and can be abrasive. She refuses help, which doesn't help with her treatment. I have gotten arguments with family members who think and say I'm trying to take advantage' when I did all the work and pushing for help. My Mother didn't give me the power of attorney so I could make legal decisions even tho I was the one who was always around and checking on her. Dementia it self causes so much confusion with the person who has it that even if everyone gets along it' hard to find solutions. I have experienced having a problems not only with my family but also not having enough knowlege about nursing and rehabs and medicare/medicaid that by the time Mom is 100, I would finish understanding the total picture. Mom is 94. The one thing I know is that everyone in America needs to know how to prepare for their own disabilities and how it effects their safety, comfort, well-being and passing. Maybe then it won't hurt as much?
My dad was recently diagnosed with dementia. I've been trying desperately to get all of my siblings to help more with our elderly dad, even before the dementia diagnosis. I'm the only one who checks up on him regularly (once a day visits, whenever possible). Two out of my 4 siblings seem to be interested only in stirring up trouble within the family. They seem to resent me, partly because I'm the one who is the closest to our dad. My dad has named me in his legal documents to represent him in the event of his incapacity. He did this because he knows that I will protect him no matter how difficult things become. I stuck by my mother's side during many years with Alzheimer's Disease, until she died 1 1/2 years ago.
So, how do I help my family get past the resentments and hostility (which makes the care of our remaining parent even more difficult than if I was an only child)? I've tried everything I can think of (individual phone calls, individual emails, group emails, prayers, etc.) but it seems as though certain members of the family only want to play games and aren't making any genuine effort to get along and work together. Should I just give up on the 2 hostile siblings and simply concentrate on fulfilling my legal duties toward my dad (to protect him from those who might try to take advantage of him and to make sure he is reasonably safe & comfortable in his own home as long as possible)?
My mother died recently after 13 years as a victim of Alzheimers. Ten years ago, at the age of 58, my oldest brother was diagnosed with early-onset Alz. Just last week my other brother was diagnosed at age 63 with cognitive impairment and short-term memory loss. This disease is taking my whole family. I am devastated and in mourning over this latest news. It could come stalking me next. I am 62. I was my mother's caregiver for several years and finally wrote and had published a book: "Every Day a New Adventure: Caregivers Talk about Alzheimer's Disease." I interviewed 5 other caregivers and one person with the disease and told mine and mother's story as well. This is not a self-published book. It is an intimate look at what Alz does to families and the difficult job that caregiving is. As my daughter says, You laugh; you cry. But most of all, you believe! If you're interested, the book is available through PublishAmerica.com and Amazon.com. If it is of help to someone, I would be proud.
My mom has had AD for ten years. Her case was mild at first, a little more forgetful, got lost while driving a few times, often confused about little things, but she steadily progressed to moderate+ over the years. At first my father wanted to put her into assisted living right away. My brother and I fought him on that, we knew it would break her heart and we just couldn't do that to her. My father got power of attorney over my mom and resentfully said he would be the caregiver. Mostly he was (and still is)very angry about her being so needy. He truly believes that "she does this on purpose!" He resents the fact that we don't take a bigger part in her care, when we have our own families and jobs to attend to. We have encouraged him to get PT help in the house, but he won't part with the money. We go on weekends to take her to our kid's sporting events & for ice cream etc. Because I was not willing to take care of my mom 24/7 for two weeks when my father wanted to go on a trip, he no longer wants me around. I told him I will still continue to come by on the weekends to shampoo my mom's hair and make sure she has clean clothes on. I also do her laundry, change her bed, take her to the hair salon and pedicure place, make sure she has her toiletries and toilet paper, & check for her overall health and well-being. My father pays the bills & taxes, cooks one hot meal a day, & pays the cleaning lady to come every two weeks.I know my mom would be so sad if s
My mother died on Christmas Eve, 2000, after being diagnosed with Alzheimers 5 years earlier; it was, as the doctors put it, very agressive and fast. She went from a vibrant 75 year old woman to almost a zombie-like state within a matter of a few years; not to mention all the health problems that went with it, including a leg amputation due to a blood clot. My three sisters and brother helped my dad as much as possible - the folks lived 150 miles away from us - we developed a schedule of who would be up there with them each weekend and tried to stick with it...this gave my dad some much needed rest. We also had a woman come in daily to help my dad with my mother's bathing, etc. She was a God-send. My dad, too, has since passed away - October of 2003 - complications from pancreatic cancer. He was very alert to the end and we were all with him when he died. All I can say is the thing that helped us the most with my mother was a book - can't remember who wrote it, but the title is "The 36-Hour Day". Please read it -- we each had our own copy and it did help us. I can only say my heart is there for all of you in your heartache.
The complexity of demetia disease that my Dad has, and the ups and downs it poses for all involved is truly a complex challenge to say the least.I have lived next door to him for the past 6 years. I slowly have progressed to up to 50 hours a week for his care. My sister has too. the goal: keep him home. The financial stress, and the time that it has taken is affecting us beyond reasonable measure. I will say, we are just making it.
The blessing is knowing he has exceptional care. He thanks us in his lucid moments with such kindness, you know he is "still there.
The stress however has damaged my sister and I's relationship to a most probable point of dis-repair. The other siblings live too far away to be of any sustained support. I wish there were more alternatives for care in home, instead of Nursing homes... which are truly under staffed beyond imagination. We saw it first hand! We have given my Dad 24 hour care since Jan 17, 2008 and It has cost us: up to 150,000 dollars... My business has suffered. my health is in all aspects is showing it's wear, and all my relationships are stretched.
I would say the same for my Sister.
We both have our opinions, and I find that she, especially under this stess is not a team player. Old issues not resolved come up especially under fatigue and stress. so, my hope is to set my life up to not have set up a aging plan before I age too far, so not to place such extreme stress on my loved ones.
I'm the evil brother you all seem to hate. I live half way cross the country from where my father with Alzheimer's lives. I spend about $1,500 per month to visit him, which is fine because I can afford it. All my siblings live in the same town as my father. I just got back from my last visit. I had planned on staying at a hotel, but my siblings said I had to stay at his house. I got, maybe 2 hours of sleep per night because he kept waking me up looking for stupid things. The last straw was when he woke me up and threatened to kill me for stealing from him. He told me to get my blank ass out of his house. Of course, every time I visit I get nothing but obscenities hurled at me. I realized this time that when I graduated from high school, I went to college 3,000 miles away just to get as far away from him as possible. He never liked me and I've dealt with that through therapy, and am fine that he loves my brother and not me. But I'm DONE! I wrote him a letter telling him to remove me from his will because I won't be going to his funeral, and have called an attorney to se how hard it would be to change my name. What I've learned is that these lunatic's behavior is the same as when they were young, only magnified. Why should I bother with a man who never cared for me in the first place? In my den, I had a wall covered with generations of family photos. I took them down and sent them off to my sister and said I'm not part of this family anymore.
Judy, not getting impatient is about gaining a skill. And that skill comes with a true understanding and acceptance of the illness of the person. You have to really believe and understand that the person is not capable of the thinking processes we are expecting of them. And that is largely about being, and staying, educated. You will need reminders - that their lack of insight is more about an inability to have insight than a deliberate act. This behaviour stuff gets pretty tricky though ... but if you KNOW she has an underlying cognitive impairment (including dementia), you can safely remind yourself to love her through it (versus being impatient) because she is not capable of more. I take reassurance that the stuff that doesn't make sense, doesn't for a very good reason. And most importantly, know your boundaries - undoubtedly, it will get frustrating and in those times we all must walk away to rejuvinate. I'd also highly recommend a support group, if you can find one that you fit nicely with. The other VERY important thing to remember is the person's dignity. Our loved ones who are going through this are struggling with many losses, if not on a conscious level, they are on a subconscious level. Lastly, these situations do change with time, so if you don't have good solutions now, maybe they will come around the next corner ...
My 67 year old sister is in the early stages of dementia. I would appreciate any help or direction for resources that would help us to relate to her in a positive way. I find myself getting impatient with her when she keeps repeating stories (some I think she makes up). And I am sure she is aware as she was in the health care field during her working years (she was a physical therapist). She isn't always good about taking her meds which really help her when she does. She is so critical of some people sometimes. She is a single women with no children and I live 2.5 hours away. I have two sister who live close by, but they have jobs and so aren't there during the day. She is very secretive about her finances and plans. can we just ask her what she wants to do when she no longer can manage her life. Her house keeping is next to nothing. So I know there is some kind of inability to take care of those kinds of tasks. She has always been very strong willed and so its difficult for us to really get a handle on how to approach her and how to care for her effectively.
My mom has a dementia, but not from Alzheimers. She has Huntington's Disease, which I hadn't heard of prior to four years ago. There are five siblings and I have been the one to make the hard decisions. I stepped in to stop financial abuse by family members, self-neglect etc etc. I spent enormous hours applying for, and appealing a decision, about her pension - paranoia got in the way of her even applying when it was time. This situation is not drawing our family together - it limps along and is progressively getting worse. I work with caregivers and know how to support them, but when it comes to my siblings, it just isn't so easy. I stay involved with a support group and encourage others that this may be a source of support. It doesn't, however, solve some of the problems on this difficult path the family is on. I have been blessed to be able to work with seniors with dementia, and their caregivers, which has given me great insight into my mother's condition. The siblings, on the other hand, are very slow in understanding these cognitive changes. There are busy lives, past relationship issues, their own fears, etc etc. that get in the way. In the meantime, the things that I do for my mom are made more difficult by their inability to be a mutual support for her (and me, as I do so much of the caregiving duties). Nonetheless, I am determined to look for ways to make the sibling relationships better and keep our family supportive of one another.
Denise asks about dementia and Alzheimers being one and the same thing. I am a social worker working in health are with seniors with complex medication conditions, many of whom have dementia. There are different causes of dementia. Alzheimers is one of them. So, yes, it is one and the same thing. You might also have a dementia from a stroke, or Parkinsons, etc etc.
My mother has early-on set Alzheimers. In 1995, she moved from PA to AZ to live near me. Unknown to me for about 3 years, she spread lies that I stole $60,000 from her. Partially due to her delusions about me, she returned to PA in 1999 for 3 months (without letting my siblings know she was coming). While in PA, she finally received the diagnosis of Alzheimers.
My siblings wanted to place her in a SNF, which I adamantly opposed. Her disease had not progressed to the point where she needed that level of care. She had pets, which had become the center of her life and putting them to death would have been a form of elder abuse.
There were vicious exchanges of e-mails and phone calls over mother's living arrangement. However, I finally prevailed and mother returned to live with me after staying in PA for only 3 months. She lived in our guesthouse for 3 years, before I finally had to place her in an ALF 6 years ago.
My siblings hate me and have no contact with me or my mother. If it wasn't for my messages to them about mother's condition, they wouldn't even know if she was dead or alive.
My pain and loss involves watching my mother die for over a decade, and losing a brother and sister. The disease resulted in the total disintegration of the family.
Something to be aware of. One side effect of statin drugs can be amnesia (global transitory amnesia) that resembles alzheimers. Another side effect is muscle/joint pain that resembles arthritis. Check Business Week Jan 28, 08 article on statins for further info.
The implicationon this site are that dementia and alzheimer's are one and the same. I thought they were different illnesses. Please explain.
There are others here that understand how painful caring is when nothing may be accomplished or done. I am in Arizona,
if my mom doesn't take her medication it is not a good outcome. If the medication isn't regulated safely, also not a good outcome. We have not been to Mayo's Arizona, but I wish I could get her out of the house to go there. I don't know if missing so much of her medication is dementia or something else. I pray there is enough time to get her help, that some how she will get the help she needs. The entire world is against me on this -----for simply trying to do the right things for her. Blessings to all of you, we are trying so hard because we do care. Blessings.
My aunt and her husband live alone in another state. Both have dementia. They don't have any children. I am the closest relative to my aunt. She has friends who go by and check on them but this is not enough. They need someone to be with them fulltime because they are not taking their medication and becoming a danger to themselves. My uncle has a sister there but she is not able to care for them. They won't allow anyone to come in to their home to assist them anyway. Can someone give me some advice on how to handle this situation? I have been very close to them all my life but I don't know what to do. I am married and have 2 kids at home and 1 in college. If they were here it would make a difference. There are 5 states between us.
My mother is in early stages of dementia. I can still laugh and say who are you talking to? Somone else in this room besides me? My brother refused to acknowledge that there is any potential problem. My sister is ready to send her to a nursing facility. I am still happy that she can be in her own home-10 steps from my back door-and I can be her caregiver.
How do you get ready for a parent's dementia? And how do you prepare that person for what you see is quickly approaching? My husband's father is in his 80's, good health but becoming forgetful and repeats conversations he just recently had with us. His father had dementia when he was in his late 80's and lived into his 90's. Right now, my father in law cannot see that plans need to be made, a power of attorney written, a will finalized, a place chosen for a future move, and he still has his car keys and drives out of town on trips that creates more worry. How demanding must we be towards him in order to secure his safety? Will one of his doctor's help us convince him to get into a facility before it becomes an emergency? My husband is 8 hours away from him and his sister lives in town but was burdened many years in caring for their mother before she died last year. It is very hard for out of state family members to provide the necessary support but we do our best and provide financial help as needed. We just need to convince his dad that preparations need to be done now.
My mom has been in a memory impairment facility for two years. Her dementia is related to alcoholism. We tried to let her live along for a trial a year ago, with caregiving services,but she became very stubborn with her caregiver and basically demanded they bring her to buy alcohol which she was off of due to living at this wonderful impairment home. It's now two year total since she's been there and she's gone down hill, mostly emotionally through depression but still has short term memory loss which would put her at risk being home alone. She is angry and bitter at me and my two siblings. I feel horrible guilt but try to remind myself that it's I'm not responsible for her past lifestyle and behavior prior to us intervening. This has brought me and my siblings closer together, I must admit, which is good because we have never been a close family. We just wish my mother understood that we are doing this for her safety and well being and that we love her.
My dad is nearing the end of his journey with Alzheimers. For a while I was the only of his children that helped my mom with him. He requires 24/7 care so my mom and I stay pretty exhausted. I read some of the other posts and decided to talk to my brothers. I told them that I loved them, but was becoming resentful that they were not helping us out. I told them that I wanted us to rally to each other, not let this push us apart. I am glad to report that one of my brothers has told me that I made him think hard about the way he as been acting and he has promised to jump in and do his part for his family! Thanks for giving me the courage to fight not just for help but for our family relationships.
My Mother had dementia for 8 years before passing away from kidney failure. Looking back, I must say that the best thing we did for her was to find a memory care center for her to live in where she had activities all day long. There was music, current events, guest speakers, games etc to keep her busy and her mind active throughout the day. She saw a geriatric psychologist who prescribed medicine to keep her on an even keel. The care there was wonderful. Visiting her was a pleasure, and a lot of times I would forget she even had dementia when I would visit her, because we had such a lovely time together. She was the best Mom in the world, and I feel so fortunate that she could live out her days with dementia in a place where she and I both felt she was in a safe environment. She was always there for me when I was young and then too when I was raising my children. I couldn't do enough for her. She would always feel so bad that I had to do things for her. I told her she was always there for me, now it was my turn to take care of her. I would encourage everyone to visit their loved ones with dementia, because they really need to know you care. And, even if they can't express it, it makes them feel so happy when you visit them. I wish I could visit with my Mom just one more time. Luckily, when she was in hospice we got to tell each other how much we loved one another, and she was so coherent when we were saying it. I will remember that always.
My mother was diagnosed with dementia shortly after my Dad passed away in 2001. I moved home to help with finances and she continued to deteriorate rapidly for the next two years and then we had to put her in a care facility. There are five siblings and only three of us took the burden (gladly) of caring for our mother. I always thought we were a close knit family and was dumb founded when my brother and other sister could not bring themselves to even visit my mother. We were able to take her out of the care facility after she was regulated on medication and she lived with my sister for about 8 months before she got too bad. Those were the most precious eight months! We've always had a good sense of humor and even in her dementia, my mother retained hers. People react to stress and adversity in many different ways. Even now, I can't fathom not "being there" for my mother the way she had always "been there" for us. For my two sisters and I, it has made our bonds of family and love even stronger. My brother and other sister have to live with themselves. It was an education!
My Dad has been in a nursing home for the past year. Before that, the 6 of us kids took turns helping Mom with Dad's care and did it willingly, with love. Some did more than others, but everyone did the best they could. There's no doubt this situation stresses any family and causes resentments. Things have improved since Dad's been in the nursing home because the day-to-day burden of care is off the family and especially Mom. What everyone should understand is besides morally, children do not have an obligation to care for parents. You do it because you want to and you can't make someone behave the way you think they should. The siblings who don't help - is it really that much of a surprise? And I don't think it's fair to expect grandchildren to provide care to a grandparent. That's just not right. The point is, learn a lesson here and plan for your own future. Get your Health Care Directive in order. Plan for your Power of Attorney. Buy long-term care insurance. Talk to your family about your wishes. If you don't plan ahead you could find yourself in the same situation. Who will take care of you?
I was the only daughter in the family, having two older brothers. Mom was a widow when she was diagnosed. One brother stole from mom when she was in the mild stages, and lied to her and used her for a money tree until I got hold of the finances. The other brother told me I was a martyr for taking care of her, and to dump her in a care center. He told me since I was doing nothing important anyhow, (working-no family-lived close) it was my problem. Actually, since there was no cash for a care center, it was not an option. I would not have done it even if we could have afforded it. I moved back home and we tightened the belt and we lived off mom's ss and some odd work I could do out of the house. I did not put her into a care center until 7 years later when she had a massive stroke and I could no longer handle it, move her, on my own. She died about 6 months later, and she knew me until the end since I saw her so often. She died in 1997.
My dumb brothers, one never visited, the other did twice in all those years. We do not see each other, and I hope to never see their insensative and cruel selfs again.
For me, my mom was my best friend, and I gladly took care of her. I loved her, and miss her to this day.
Her alzheimers was the best of times, the worst of times. The toughest thing I ever did, but the most satisfying.
Miss you, mom.
My Dad had Alzheimer's and has now passed away as of 2000. But my 2 brother's and myself were always onboard with Mom as far as decision-making, even though they were both out of town and I was more in proximity to my parents and so I was her "right-hand-man" so to speak. She had the day to day struggles all spouses have in this journey, not easy. But there was no squabbling in our family, there was cooperation. I now facilitate a Support Group in my church. I'm not an expert ofcourse, I just guide. But in reading these blogs, I didn't read anything about Support Groups or help through the church one might attend. What about some respite help, some companion help? These are things, small things yes but would enable an outlet for a short time. And please joint a Support Group. Find someone to stay with your loved one so you can attend. You DO owe it to yourself. The depression I'm reading here is so destructive to yourself. Call your church, I'm sure there is someone there looking for a way to help, waiting to be asked. It certainly is a heavy burden, but it could maybe be lightened just a bit. You can't be bothered with what others will not do. Don't even deal with that. You can't change it. You're too busy with other very needful things. Just go on with what has to be done and a big part of that is keeping you HEALTHY.
We were always a pretty close family and when Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers at first nothing changed. When he started to progress however everthing changed. My brothers avoid calling or visiting my mom. They say that they want to remember him the way he was, but it has really put a burden on me and my mom. She is so stressed out and exhausted from taking care of him 24/7. They can't afford a nursing home and he hasn't been able to qualify for any aid. I work full time, but I come over on my days off and help her until school is out each day. My brothers don't feel compelled to help at all. On Mothers day one of my brothers waited until late that night before calling my mom and then picked a fight with her. Her feelings were so hurt that she cried herself to sleep. My dad can no longer walk or stand, is stone deaf, and 100% incontinent. His food has to be blended so he can eat. He keeps having mini strokes. He also has been getting more and more aggressive. He wakes my mom up several times every night. Since he can't hear he just keeps yelling your name until he can see you. My mom has given up on asking my brothers for help now and is so upset with her own offspring. She said that she is glad that I help her so much, but can't understand how she raised her boys to be so selfish. I am married, have 2 small children, and work full time. Only one of my brothers is married but neither are willing to even sit with Dad so Mom can go to the grocery store.
I am an only child and divorced, so when my mother started exhibiting signs of Ahlzeimers/dementia, I moved her in with me. It is very difficult to care for someone 24/7 whom you love so much, but questions who you are some of the time. I have grown children, but my daughter and her husband take her out to eat once in a while, one of my sons comes often to visit and the other son is 'very busy'.
It saddens me to watch my mom deteriorate so quickly, she's 90 and I know I've been lucky to have her so long, but I know too that I need a break from this. She is reluctant to have a stranger come in to care for her for a couple of hours. How can I get my children to understand they are not doing enough?
Ninety five year old lady with a son managing her affairs thinks she is happier in a run down home in a crime ridden neighborhood rather than in a assisted care center which she has approval for. Other brothers and sisters feel like strangers and just do the minimum to help. Sad situation created by a selfish, stubborn son. The damage he has done to the family is extreme and will most likely never heal the wounds. I am a son in law in this situtation and see the stress caused by the frictioin. The situation has permanently damaged the former good relationship amongst these brothers and sisters. Sad but true.
I too am helping care for a parent. I have 4 brothers who all make excuses as to why they can't help out. My mom is having health problems as well from not taking care of herself while tending to my Dad who has severe Alzheimers. She finally decided to try to get him in the VA assisted living/nursing home only to be told that they have to evaluate him to see if they think he is ready to go, then it will be another 6 months if he gets approved. I spend my days off from work at her house doing whatever needs to be done and leave just in time to pick up my 2 young children from after school. I love my parents, but I have been burning the candle at both ends for over a year. I am physically and mentally exhausted and my kids miss spending time with me. On top of that there is no light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. My mom is exhaused as well and I know I can't leave it all on her so I am taking it one day at a time. She also keeps telling me all of the stuff that she wants me to help her with if she can finally get Daddy the 24/7 help he needs or when he passes. I want to continue to do what I can, but I feel so trapped. I wanted to help out my parents, but I guess I thought after Daddy got into the VA hospital I would be able to get some of my own family life back. My husband feels like I am putting my Mom and Dad first because I am. I don't think I can keep doing it all, but how do I choose what to let go of when everything is important?
My husband has depression and dementia and is in denial over it. He blames me for his condition and it is very hard to keep positive and focused when dealing with his needs. He can get verbally abusive and it is very difficult to get him to believe me. It is very lonely caring for someone in the throws of this disease. You remember who this person used to be in order to feel the love again, but that only makes me even mre lonely. I have found that having a therapist has helped me deal with my sadness while I try to be the best caregiver I can be.
My mom has cancer and my dad has alzheimers and I have been devastated just as much by their diseases by the absolute disgusting self-centered attitude of my brother and nephew regarding helping with my parents. My nephew although young and strong and working a four on four off shift, has visited them once in the last two years (since they moved to my community) - this is a distance of maybe 20-30 minutes by car. He let them buy a huge Easter brunch so he could show off his new fiance but hasn't been seen since. My brother shows up maybe once a month to let my parents buy him dinner. In terms of the day to day struggles, taking them out for lunch or somewhere nice like the beach for a walk or just sitting there talking, he is no where to be found. When my dad fell and was hospitalized, when I phoned my brother saying we were in the hospital, his reply was, well do you have to be somewhere else or something? The appropriate response was, what hospital and I will see you there. I am disgusted by them both and will write them off when my parents pass away. I would do it now but it hurts my mom to see my mad at my family so I swallow it now. Crisis sures shows what people are all about doesn't it? Luckily I have incredibly supportive friends and grown sons who help me and my parents. They are my true family and my brother and nephew are just relatives.
My mother lives with us (my husband and I). He is very patient, but I am finding that my mother is becoming more and more demanding. I take care of everything (finances, healthcare, her meals, cleaning, cooking, etc.). My brother lives close by but is only in the picture periodically. My mother resents this, but what can you do? I have no time to myself and all my efforts to get my mother involved in activities (she is still well able to be involved) come to nothing as she is very critical and gets easily discouraged. I'm not too sure where to go from here. I cannot leave my mother alone...she goes with me everywhere and I'm finding that I resent it. Any suggestions?
My husband's dementia has turned my adult children's concern to my health, since my husband is in an asst. living facility they have focused on me taking better care of myself since I have been a caregiver for so many years and neglected myself. They don't seem to worry about their Dad as much since they know he's in a safe place and happy where he is. I was finally able to get over my guilt of having to place him for his own safety and 24/7 care. I am now taking better care of myself. My children live all over the country and come to visit as often as possible and when they do we all spend quality time together as a family. The decision to place him outside the house was a difficult one for me but it has proved to be a happier one for all of us. He's in a wonderful facility that is always having entertainment and a full activities calendar. My friends and i go up all the time for one party or another. If I'm unable to go they will go without me to show their support for my husband. So sometimes it's not a bad thing to remove the patient from the house, Care giving at home is very stressful for all concerned.
Our family has had a hard time with relationships and what role each child should play in the care of a parent with dementia. We have had some siblings feel they should avoid contact with, and association with, both the surviving spouse and with other siblings. Each of them are dealing with the loss of a parent in their own way. Usually when a decision has been made in the care or medication each sibling would have acted differently. It has been hard to keep lines of communication open, as everyone is in some state of mourning. Tempers flare, and feelings are easily hurt. It is hard for some to understand how the surviving spouse feels, and that they are in need of family support now, more than ever. Hopefully this trial will bring us closer, but in the meantime it is driving everyone apart.
I wish that I could say that my mother's dementia was bringing our family closer together, but I find that her parents have been in denial about the changes occuring in my mother for so long that they are unwilling to accept that she has this disease. Instead, they constantly tell her she is talking and acting crazy. My mother is reacting to this by being paranoid that she will be locked away in a "psych ward" or that her parents are out to get her. It is also difficult to for other family members to understand that her paranoid rantings and angry outbursts may not be reality, but they are real to her when they occur. It is difficult for them to accept that she is a person who needs love, understanding and forgiveness for the things she might say or do. They also seem to think that since I am a medical professional, that I or my colleagues will find a quick cure, be able to provide constant care and supervision and financial support while my mother has no insurance and no assets of her own. It is also very difficult for my spouse and his family to be patient and understanding now that my mother has come to live with us. I hope that in time, we will come together as a family as the turmoil distresses my mother even more.
Our mother has dementia and currently our father is taking care of her in their home. I am one of eight children. Some of my siblings live in the same city as my parents and the rest of us live within a day's drive of "home". We all do what we can to help and wish we could do more. Some of us help with financial decisions, Medicare Part D, etc. Others help with home repairs, tending the garden and lawn, etc. One sister accompanies our mother to doctor appointments. Some of us still have children at home and in school and cannot get away to help our parents as much as we would like. It would be easy to rely too much on the siblings who live in our hometown -- but they do not want to shoulder more than their share of the burden just because they live nearby. This is understandable....and so we do what we can to help our father and mother while not keeping tabs on who's doing what or who's not doing their share. So far we have managed to keep peace in the family, but sometimes it is difficult. We all have hobbies and interests that we enjoy more than spending time with a mother who may or may not know who we are and who can no longer carry on a conversation. It is very stressful for all of us, but we know that it is even more stressful for our father as he has to live this life 24/7 and we are there for only hours or days at a time. We have to remember that our mother is the one who is ill, but it is our father who most needs the respite, conversation and support.
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Nah. When people start to call Macs "elitist systems", it can't be much more childish.
Nah. When people start to call Macs "elitist systems", it can't be much more childish.
Oh, it's exactly like this comix. Will not work: different projects have different goals and managed to change both parts of user-mode code and kernel code in incompatible ways.
And they also failed to integrate corporations into their working processes. You see, BSD license allows to close code and don't give back anything. That's where it backfires. Corporations close all the code they can and never contribute anything to upstream. So whole project is slowed down. Linux does not haves this issue due to GPL requirements.
There are hundreds of Linux distributions and several BSD's ... and BSD needs unification?
But jokes aside, one unified BSD 'to rule them all' would be nice. Is the name TheBSD already taken?
Ask yourself why these forks exist. Then revisit the question, and the simple answer is; no.
1. OpenBSD does puts too much emphasis on security, with a development model that hinders developmental progres on anything that is not security. This alone already invaliddates the question.
2. Dragon wants different scheduling styles, not compatible with FreeBSD.
3. NetB-...
Oh fsck it; NO!
Juniper Networks also contributes code to FreeBSD. They are one of the companies that would have been forced to disclose changes under the GPL, yet they use FreeBSD and contribute improvements without a legal requirement to release anything.
With that said, nearly all of the code being contributed to Linux was written to further corporate interests and would have likely been contributed anyway. Virtually none of the code contributions are things that corporations were forced to release. Whenever a company has code that they do not want to release, they either use something other than Linux or keep it internal.
Last edited by ryao; 11-13-2012 at 03:38 PM.
Exactly how it is written in Linux From Scratch book:
Unification of Linux was only interesting for proprietary software.
Dear BSD, go unify, crap even more Instead of fighting with proprietary, you are fighting with a FLOSS operating system like a parasite. I bet, you already got blessing from your holy fathers microsoft & apple
When I see claims from BSD parasites like "BSD should work with Linux" or "Linux should not implement features that are not welcome/accepted within BSD", you only confirm your parasite behaviour. You essentially make the same developers to carry DOUBLE weight. The only reason why someone would claim this - is to slow down the development and fragment it.
BSD license is only good for *parts*. And even then, it is not far from "public domain", why bother?
Last edited by crazycheese; 11-13-2012 at 03:56 PM.


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Ever notice how we tend to do similar things in the same environments? Wonder why we're able to focus much more intensely in libraries or in coffee shops? Or why it's so much more difficult to accomplish that same output of work from the comfort of your recliner?
It's because our minds have associated certain environments with specific behaviors. Designer and writer Jack Cheng has a theory it's about what he calls, "Habit Fields." Each object inherently comes with a habit field, which we continue to reinforce or alter.
This is why Cheng chooses to have a specific chair for procrastinating and getting distracted. He writes on A List Apart:
I do most of my work from home, and in my apartment I have a comfortable chair reserved for email, checking status updates, and leisurely surfing the web. I call it my "distraction chair." I try to reserve my work desk for actual work—writing, designing, and coding—and when I feel the inclination to read Twitter or check e-mail, I move to the lounge chair. Before I had an iPad, I unplugged my laptop and moved to the chair, and it worked just as well.
At first, it may seem like a nuisance to get up and move every time, but that's exactly the point. As long as you adhere to the rules you've created for yourself, over time you'll find that the strength of the habit fields keep you in place—the act of getting up, walking over, and getting situated in the chair becomes just tedious enough to keep you at the desk, leading to prolonged work periods.
Likewise, the lounge chair's habit field turns into a "leisure zone"—one that I know to stay away from if I have a deadline and need to focus. Sometimes when I realize I've been spending too much time in the chair, it's easier to snap out of it: all I have to do is stand up and leave the zone.
By isolating the distraction field, Cheng is able to make it easier for himself to focus when he needs to. Similarly, if you figure out which environments you thrive in and which objects have more distracting habits associated with them, you'll have a greater control of your output.
Research shows that your ability to persevere is directly correlated to your likelihood of success. Those who can hang in there when things get tough, studies show, are the ones who regularly succeed. It's no wonder why this is the case: those who persevere are the only ones who come out on the other side, while everyone else has called it quits.
One primary reason why many of us quit anything is simply because sometimes things are difficult — but only to a point. By definition, things that are difficult are things that can be overcome, understood, and dealt with. Part of our ability to overcome difficult things is linked to our close personal network, but it's also a matter of whether or not we've set the right expectations for the challenge ahead. When we pursue a new habit, start a new job, or otherwise undertake a new challenge, our assumptions and expectations about the work required of us is one of the most important factors for ensuring we'll make it through to the end.
Ben Casnocha gives us the playful anecdote of learning how to draw an owl:
I believe a key reason so many people on the road to mastery call it quits is not because drawing a beautiful owl in pencil is superhumanly hard. It's because they thought it would be easy.
Drawing an owl can be difficult (particularly if you aren't an artist by trade), but—like starting a new job, trying to create a new habit, or working your way toward prominent success—it can be done. The first step isn't simply to start, it's to set your expectations and ensure you're ready for the task in front of you. I call this step zero.
If you're starting a new job, step zero for you is to talk to your manager or team about exact expectations for you from day one. If you're starting a new habit, your step zero may be to create a list of everything you'll need to do in order to make the habit stick.
As Casnocha explains:
Step one is always start, and step two is always keep going and going and going until you've nailed it.
Before you start any endeavor, focus on the step before starting: establishing the right expectations and planning how to tackle them.
Disagreeing with your boss is awkward, but expressing that divergent viewpoint is important in your professional growth as well as the forward progress of your company. Social scientist Joseph Grenny shares with Harvard Business Review how to express disagreement with your superior without coming across as a jackass:
Discuss intent before content. When the boss gets defensive, it's… because she believes your dissent is a threat to her goals. Defenses are far less often provoked by actual content than they are by perceived intent. You can be far more candid about your view if you frame it in the context of a mutual purpose that the boss already cares about. If you fail to do this, the boss may believe your disagreement signals a lack of commitment to her interests.
Show respect before dissent. Most of us assume that if you want to be respectful, you have to dilute your disagreement, and if you want to be honest, you're going to have to hurt some feelings. But this is a false dichotomy. You must find a way to assure your boss that you respect her and her position. When that sense of respect is secure, you can venture into expressing your views openly and honestly.
Basically, the trick is to frame your disparate view in the context of your team or company's larger goals, while also conveying respect for your higher-up through the language you use and the attitude with which you use it. Disagreement can even be productive in the workplace, if and when it is communicated properly.
Professor of Business Psychology Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic knows that creativity can be further developed by pairing it with an activity that the individual is truly passionate about. In an article for Harvard Business Review, Chamorro-Premuzic explains:
One of the most effective methods for enhancing creative performance is to increase individuals' motivation, particularly intrinsic motivation (their task-related enjoyment, interest, and involvement). Ever since Teresa Amabile first emphasized this idea, meta-analytic studies have confirmed the intuitive idea that assigning people to projects they love unleashes their creative potential. In contrast, extrinsic rewards, such as financial incentives, tend to inhibit people's creativity.
The next time you work on a collaborative project, be sure to find collaborators that are genuinely engaged in the venture as their creative contributions will be more elevated. If you can't choose who you work with, than at least delegate people to tasks they truly enjoy. Not only will this prevent complaining, but you will receive more original work. As psychiatrist and psychotherapist Carl Jung said, "The creative mind plays with the object it loves."
You might be familiar with research that suggests setting goals and then laser-focusing on them can actually be detrimental to motivation and perseverance. The more fixated you are on your goal, the less you enjoy the actual experience of working towards that goal, thereby increasing your chance of failure.
James Clear suggests a new approach to goal-setting. Namely, don't set them. When it comes to making progress in areas that are important to you, craft a system that will help you get there in lieu of setting a goal:
What's the difference between goals and systems?
If you're a coach, your goal is to win a championship. Your system is what your team does at practice each day.
If you're a writer, your goal is to write a book. Your system is the writing schedule that you follow each week.
If you're a runner, your goal is to run a marathon. Your system is your training schedule for the month.
If you're an entrepreneur, your goal is to build a million dollar business. Your system is your sales and marketing process.
The problem with most goals is that they place huge burdens on you, and in so doing can imply that you're not quite good enough yet. They also don't set you up for long-term positive change, being geared towards one major milestone after which you could cease your productive routine entirely and still have achieved what you set out to.
Clear doesn't advocate doing away with goals entirely, but rather using them as a guide for building a system that's much more rewarding, habit-building, and geared towards measurable progress:
[K]eep things simple and reduce stress by focusing on the daily process and sticking to your schedule, rather than worrying about the big, life-changing goals.
When you focus on the practice instead of the performance, you can enjoy the present moment and improve at the same time.
Productivity expert Jordan Cohen suggests using these gaps wisely:
- Take a few minutes at the start of each day to identify the gaps in your schedule.
- Schedule what you want to accomplish in each gap right on your calendar. This can be anything from lower value work that needs to get done (such as expense reports) to larger, finite tasks you've been dreading (such as outlining your next presentation).
- Hold yourself accountable. At the end of the day, look back on your 30-minute tasks and note which ones you've accomplished.
So stop looking at those 30-minute gaps in your day as empty space. They may be the key to turbocharging your productivity.
Part of the reason happiness often feels so elusive is that we don't spend time really focusing on what we need in order to cultivate that happiness. When we're bogged down at work or flustered with unsuccessful attempts, more often than not we mostly just wallow in those feelings of frustration and hopelessness, rather than taking a moment to question what needs to change.
Change that. Take the time to explore what you really need to make yourself happy. Beyond facilitating a lighter experience traveling through life, happiness leads to increased productivity, more engagement with work, and richer creativity.
Over on Thought Catalog, Ko Im offers a series of prompts to help you discover patterns that point to how to do more of what makes you feel happy. A few favorites:
What is the best thing that happened to me? This not only brings back fond memories but also shows implicit gratitude. It also shows your scope – is it a specific event or an overall "I'm grateful to be alive!"
What are five things I like about me? Yup, shower yourself with compliments.
How are three ways others would describe me? These adjectives could be good or bad. Perception vs. reality, the point is to be self-aware and therefore confident.
Finish this sentence: My dream is… Don't be afraid to write it down, say it out loud, shout it from a rooftop! What would you do if no one else was reading, watching or listening?
By considering open-ended questions related to what makes you feel upbeat, fulfilled, and inspired, the wheat will start to separate from the chaff.
But what does happiness really even mean? Is it contentment, fulfillment, passion, joy, or some combination therein? The truth is, it's whatever it means to you, and as such, the way to get there is to discern what things and actions generate those feelings and state of being for you. The best place to start is by carving out time for reflection, using cues like the above.


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Or find a doctor at another Johns Hopkins Medicine Member Hospital:
Nafi Aygun, MD
Appointment Phone
Main Location
The Johns Hopkins HospitalView All Locations
Out of State Patients
Call 410-464-6641 (8a.m. to 6p.m., EST, Mon-Fri)
International Patients
Call +1-410-502-7683 (7a.m. to 6p.m., EST, Mon-Fri)
- Associate Professor of Radiology and Radiological Science
Brain Tumors, Cerebrovascular Diseases, Diagnostic Radiology, Diseases of the Ear, Nose, Throat in Children, Head and Neck Cancers, Head and Neck Tumors, Neuroimaging, Neurology, Neuroradiology, Neurosurgery, Otolaryngology, Sinus Problems, Skull Base Tumors
Research Interests
Head and Neck Imaging
Dr. Nafi Aygun is an Associate Professor in the Johns Hopkins Medicine Department of Radiology and Radiological Science. He specializes in neuroradiology, diagnostic radiology and head and neck imaging.
Dr. Aygun received his M.D. from the Hacettepe University School of Medicine in Ankara, Turkey. He performed residencies in radiology at Hacettepe University Hospitals and Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio. He completed a fellowship in neuroradiology at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation, where he subsequently acted as staff neuroradiologist before joining the Johns Hopkins faculty in 2002.
- English
- Turkish
Education +
- Hacettepe University Faculty of Medicine (Ankara) (1990)
- Cleveland Clinic / Diagnostic Radiology (Cleveland OH ) (2001)
- MetroHealth Medical Center / Radiology (Cleveland OH ) (1999)
- Hacettepe University Faculty of Medicine / Radiology (Ankara) (1995)
- Cleveland Clinic / Neuroradiology (Cleveland OH ) (2001)
- Neuroradiology, American Board of Radiology (2012)
- Diagnostic Radiology, American Board of Radiology (2000)
Research & Publications +
Research Summary
Dr. Aygun's research has focused on magnetic resonance imaging of the brain, head and neck to evaluate tumors and cancers, cerebrovascular diseases, sinus problems, and diseases of the ear, nose and throat.
Selected Publications View all on PubMed
- Blitz AM, Macedo LL, Chonka ZD, Ilica AT, Choudhri AF, Gallia GL, Aygun N. "High-resolution CISS MR imaging with and without contrast for evaluation of the upper cranial nerves: segmental anatomy and selected pathologic conditions of the cisternal through extraforaminal segments." Neuroimaging Clin N Am. 2014 Feb; 24(1):17-34. doi: 10.1016/j.nic.2013.03.021. Epub 2013 Jun 17.
- Blitz AM, Choudhri AF, Chonka ZD, Ilica AT, Macedo LL, Chhabra A, Gallia GL, Aygun N. "Anatomic considerations, nomenclature, and advanced cross-sectional imaging techniques for visualization of the cranial nerve segments by MR imaging." Neuroimaging Clin N Am. 2014 Feb; 24(1):1-15. doi: 10.1016/j.nic.2013.03.020. Epub 2013 Jun 10.
- Mossa-Basha M, Ilica AT, Maluf F, Karakoç Ö, Izbudak I, Aygün N. "The many faces of fungal disease of the paranasal sinuses: CT and MRI findings." Diagn Interv Radiol. 2013 May-Jun; 19(3):195-200. doi: 10.5152/dir.2012.003.
- Gok B, Jallo G, Hayeri R, Wahl R, Aygun N. "The evaluation of FDG-PET imaging for epileptogenic focus localization in patients with MRI positive and MRI negative temporal lobe epilepsy." Neuroradiology. 2013 May; 55(5):541-50. doi: 10.1007/s00234-012-1121-x. Epub 2012 Dec 8.
- Ozturk A, Aygun N, Smith SA, Caffo B, Calabresi PA, Reich DS. "Axial 3D gradient-echo imaging for improved multiple sclerosis lesion detection in the cervical spinal cord at 3T." Neuroradiology. 2013 Mar; 55(4):431-9. doi: 10.1007/s00234-012-1118-5. Epub 2012 Dec 4.
Academic Affiliations & Courses +
Activities & Honors +
Videos & Media +
Events +
Contact & Locations +
LocationsThe Johns Hopkins Hospital600 N. Wolfe StreetSheikh Zayed TowerBaltimore, MD 21287Appointment Phone: 410-955-6500Location MapJohns Hopkins Outpatient Center601 N. Caroline StreetBaltimore, MD 21287Appointment Phone: 410-955-6500Location MapJohns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center4940 Eastern AvenueBaltimore, MD 21224Appointment Phone: 410-550-2948Location Map
- Radiology and Radiological Science - Neuroradiology


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How the World Wags - Social Music for a 17th C. Englishman
1 CD / Hyperion / 1999-07-01Works: Anonymous: Jamaica, or the Jovial Broom Man; Saint Turned Sinner; Jolly Barber; Maurice Webster: Galliard; Thomas Ravenscroft: Who Liveth So Merry; Martin Said to His Man, for voice(s) & ensemble; To...
Performers: Thompson, Keith [Flute/Recorder]; Wootton, Douglas
Ensemble: City Waites
"What a delightfully entertaining recordings! 'Wags' is the operative word here. The texts are fun. The music is fun. And the sheer joy ofperforming this...continue...
read more Login or Create an Account to write a review


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HomeEnergy SolutionsCombined Heat & Power
Copyright 2013 Pepco Energy Services, Inc.
© 2013 Pepco Energy Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The names,
logos and taglines identifying Pepco Energy Services' products and
services are proprietary marks of Pepco Energy Services or its subsidiaries.
Pepco Energy Services is not the same company as Potomac Electric
Power Company (Pepco), the regulated utility; the prices and services
of Pepco Energy Services are not set by the Public Service Commission;
and you are not required to buy energy or other products and services
from Pepco Energy Services in order to receive the same quality
service from Pepco.
Please report problems on the website to email@example.com


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Customize your Own Blogging Icon with PROFICON
Bloggers often get recognize for using a universal avatar across various web platforms. By using, a profile icon that can easily be linked to their brand of blogging. There are millions and even billions of icons online, and behind all those images are real people who are out to make a statement with their chosen web identities. But to grab people's attention with just a small pixel icon, you may need something extra special- why not spice up an old photo of yours and take a creative leap! Whether you decide to leave your mark on a popular commenting system, or crosspost on someone's Facebook Account, the icon you use should be well-thought out and should at least, reflect a part of your personality.


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Even if it is only for one night! Check in at Colonial Gardens B&B this weekend to enjoy a cozy night or two with a fireplace, bottle of wine and your special someone and do I need to even mention the fabulous gourmet breakfast?
This weekend we will give everyone who checks in for a night or the weekend a bottle of wine or champagne on the house to cuddle up with your sweetheart and enjoy so alone time. Just call Jennifer at 757-220-8087 to book you room now or go on line to our booking engine and do it here.
Remember Colonial Garden's bed and breakfast for your intimate all season weddings as well!
Think there is no reason to come to the Burg this weekend? Think again…
William & Mary 2015 Global Film Festival – February 19-22Live Jazz on The Half Shell – February 20th 6-8:30
Williamsburg Winery Tours and Tastings
Colonial Williamsburg Calendar Just to name a few!


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Child Missing the Other Parent
I have been divorced for 6 years. We have 2 daughters: a 6yo and an 8yo. We have joint custody and a weekly rotation. This has been working out pretty nice. But lately, our youngest one is starting to cry whenever I say it's time to go to Daddy's. I ask her why. At first it's superficial things, like "It's boring there, he makes us do chores, he's always busy, etc." But when I dig a little deeper, she talks about how she wishes how we could just switch to every other day, not do a whole week at a time. She just misses me (or daddy even) too much. She wants to spend time together as a family.
I don't have a problem adjusting the schedule to shorten the amount of time spent with one parent and then the other. I can see how 7 days is a long time to go without seeing the other parent. My question is: Is it ok to spend time together as a "family", even though I'm no longer married to their dad? For example, eating together? Going to the park? Wouldn't this send mixed messages to the children? He is dating someone, so I'm faily confident they know that we won't be getting back together. Your ideas and suggestions are appreciated.


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Please note that as of October 24, 2014, the Nokia Developer Wiki will no longer be accepting user contributions, including new entries, edits and comments, as we begin transitioning to our new home, in the Windows Phone Development Wiki. We plan to move over the majority of the existing entries. Thanks for all your past and future contributions.
Mobile Web Design : Password Strength Meter
This design pattern is part of the Mobile Web Design series.
Security remains one of the key desirability of any user, especially when they are interacting with a website that has access to their sensitive information like personal details like images/contacts, or other financial/individual details like credit card number, social security number etc. When designing a website which allows the user to do anything which they would want to protect from non-authorized persons zealously, it becomes very important that you have as many mechanisms as possible to ensure the safety of the user data. One such mechanism to protect the user account from being hacked easily is a password strength meter.
What is a password strength meter
Password strength meter is a visual/textual indication to the user to let them know how strong or weak their entered password is. The strength of a password is checked for a number of parameters with each of them having a rating assigned to them depending upon how tough it makes the password to be cracked by malicious elements. The password strength checker is a possible piece of code, which validates the password and then depending upon the cumulative score the password gets it lets the user know by either showing a bar or a text representation.
When to use
Some of the websites/places where you should consider using a password strength meter are:-
- When the site you are developing has access to sensitive user data the security of which is critical from a user's standpoint.
- When you want to share the responsibility of data protection with the user by making them part of the process by allowing them to set stronger passwords for their accounts.
- When you want to make it tougher for unauthorized persons/spy wares to be able to infiltrate the user account.
What is a strong password
Some of the key elements on which the strength of a password can be measured are as follows:-
- Number of characters entered, should be more then 10 characters
- The case used, should be a combination of upper and lower cases
- Numeric/Special characters used should be a combination of numbers, special and alphanumeric characters.
- Uniqueness of the password should not be obvious to guess things like spouse name/DOB/place of residence etc.
- Spacing between the numbers/alphanumeric characters, should not be consecutive numbers or alphabets.
How to measure password strength
Based on the above mentioned elements defining a strong/weak password, the strength of the password entered can be tested and displayed to the user.
Some additional resources on how to measure the password strength, with source code and guidelines for a strong password creation can be found at the links below:-
Usability guidelines
From usability standpoints of using a password strength meter are as under:-
- Always indicate to the user the strength of the password possibly with a strength number/percentage/visual notification etc.
- Provide help guidelines to the user to make them understand what constitutes a strong password, so that they don't end up grappling with the strength meter trying to crack it.
- Provide live examples of what is a strong v/s weak password and then let the user decide their password choice.
- Do not be rigid on the strength of the password to allow registration/change of password, if the user decides to ignore the warnings/alerts on password strength, let it be their choice.
- Decide on the strength of the password requirements depending upon what you are trying to guard, for instance if it's a fun site, you possibly don't want a password strength testing to be done.
- Do not stress on the user fulfilling all the parameters of making a good password, sometimes only a few parameters are good enough to make a strong password.
Final Word
The password strength meter not only makes the user data safer and less prone to malicious attack/intrusion, it also gives the user a sense of confidence when conducting business with the site. The user always wants to get some sort of a comfort feeling while sharing their privy information that the latter would be in safe hands. Other security mechanisms should also be considered though as password strength meter is not a sure sought guarantee to safeguarding user data, but surely goes a long way in helping towards meeting that objective.
--- Added by Mayank on 30/06/2009 ---