text:
These Limerick Humorous poems are examples of Limerick poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Limerick Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets
If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.
Jan said to Darren one day Do you fancy a roll in the hay But to his chagrin Jan asked 'is it in?' You're not quite as big as you say! Based on the poem' our first meeting on the Isle of Man written by Jadazzle united 10th February 2015
I always wanted two slices of ice cube pie "You only get one", was the standard reply. I don't know why I did But since I was a kid It was my favorite treat on the Fourth of July. The pastry is known by all our relations Since the recipe's passed down for generations. Every bite you'll savoir Exceptional flavor But remember, don't settle for imitations Long ago, my great Aunt tried experiments By leaving out one of the ingredients. Once Uncle took a bite He stared out in fright And barely survived that bad experience. My oldest son, Johnny became quite wise He grew up like the others, before our eyes. His passion for confection Was a gainful connection When he opened the first ice cube pie franchise. Soon after that, we made our first million And played in the sun with friendly Brazilians. But to our surprise We saw ice cube pies On bamboo platters next to our pavilion Right away we knew this was an infraction Without delay our family took action. We found a private eye Who loved our ice pie But his research left him broken in traction. It was apparent to us that that kind of job Was endorsed by the brutal ice cube pie mob. But we didn't frown Or give up and back down We were going to prevail; oh, yes siree, Bob! With a meeting of minds we gathered resources And then undersigned the following courses. To make sure our ices Sold at cut-rate prices To knock competition off its high horses. So back at the shop we assembled platoons To build enough pies to reach to the moons. And made plenty dough That allowed us to mow Down the cube racket's, knuckle dragging goons. We now manage an ice cube pie monopoly Sales started smooth, but then turned choppily. So we eased the frustration With another vacation But guess what we saw in downtown Mexicali?!
There once was a young man called Rodger Who's very transfixed with his todger From morning till night He gets his delight Now he shares his bed with his lodger 29 ~12~14
Two autos both tried to have sex. A pity they both were such wrecks! With great apprehension, One lost its suspension. Old banger sex – oh so complex! 12~21~14 Contest: East Jesus Sponsor: Roy Jerden Checked using how many Syllables 8,8,6,6,8 ~awarded 3rd place~
We were 'married' on poetry soup I kept my hubby right in the loop I still rue the day That you went away I need to dry my tears and regroup Loved your humour right from the start I miss you with all of my heart Want you to come back Get you in the sack* Then they'll never tear us apart! * In case you are wondering … Darren and I are simply amazing friends and this is a cheeky line from one of the last mails he sent me in October. I miss you my lovely friend 2nd February 2015 Contest: A Valentine Limerick SKAT A
A merman had one stubborn daughter who rebelled against what her dad taught her. When she swam to dry land, she could then understand she was just like a fish - out of water! For the Out of Water Poetry Contest of Sheri Fresonke Harper
Jen loves to go to bingo Knows all the caller's 'lingo' Her numbers come out She gives a loud shout Lose - she howls like a dingo 25th February 2015
I once heard of a fisher Luciano, who sang bass as he played on his piano. Once he fished and cast his line by mistake hooked his behind since that day, when he plays he sings soprano. How many syllables.com 11, 11, 7, 7, 11 11.11.2014 Sponsor Roy Jerden Limericks Clean and Clever
Auntie Matilda is a dancing fool. She took lessons at a discount dance school. When she does the hippity hop, even babies beg her to stop; but Matilda's dancing makes old men drool.
Santa comes but once a year Impotence his greatest fear He fills up his sack Slings it on his back Hope he wont drop his load here Mrs Claus was in great distress She wants sex she does confess Santa saw his GP Saying please help me We need to sort out this mess The doc prescribed some blue pills They cured Santa of his ills Now back in the sack Not flat on their back Now they are getting their thrills 11~22~14 Contest: What's up with Santa Sponsor Jerry Curtis
You got a duff gift from your 'mate' Too large, in a colour you hate It simply won't fit You'll never wear it No nookie mate now you can wait! 12~28~14 A Quintain Christmas - Andrea Dietrich ~awarded 3rd place~
There once was a fellow named Carter Who was a persistent loud farter From dusk until dawn He'd blow off his horn Carter eats baked beans as a starter Jan Allison 24th November 2014
There once was a young man called Rodger Who's very transfixed with his todger From morning till night He gets his delight Now he shares his bed with his lodger The lodger her name was Sandy Was always ready and randy They'd make love all night But then they took fright When Rodgers legs went all bandy 29 ~12~14
A gent from the South Scottish Isles had terribly painful large piles when he tried to sit down he would grimace and frown soft cushions he hoards in big piles! syllable counter used 'how many syllables' 8,8,6,6,8 11~11~ 2014 poem revised for contest 18~11~14 Contest:Limericks Clean and Clever Sponsor: Roy Jerden
Santa's little helper felt poorly sick Couldn't deliver presents for Saint Nick His red nose was gleaming Blue eyes they were streaming I hope that Santa will give him some Vick 24th December 2014
We arrived at the airport quite late My passport was months out of date My husband was snappy The baby filled its nappy I just stood there and got quite irate The pilot had been on the pop On the runway he couldn't stop He just missed a tree Stopped off for a pee Now his career is facing the chop Our hotel was two star not four Cockroaches crawled on the floor We got a terrible fright In the middle of the night A tornado blew off our door Written for Vacation Humor Contest Sponsored By Carolyn Devonshire 07~23~14
Through the snow and the wind and the chill He delivers his load with goodwill But when Santa is done And his wife wants more fun He gets help from his little blue pill December 24, 2014
Her lady garden needed a mowing His love juices were readily flowing He made it his mission To get in position Now his seed he is happily sowing Written for Roy Jerden's bawdy Limerick II Contest 19th June 2014
I have a friend by the name of Tim, He keeps in shape when frequents the gym. His Kelly green Mustang he drove And smack'd it into a cove. The witches got him and ate one of his limbs! Dorian Petersen aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 October,5,2014
You'd better not pout Santa, you'd better not pout Unless you suffer from gout Just take proper rest Then make your way west And vow to lay off the stout 29.12.14 Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich Contest: Quintain Christmas Placed: 3rd
There was a young librarian Who's strictly vegetarian For her wheat and Kale makes a meal complete while her beau needs meat to eat Says she; now that's just barbarian
I love my diaphanous nightie It's sexy and sheer- its quite flighty But it's a shocking disgrace Scant material and lace Cost hubby ninety-nine pounds ninety! 15th February 2015
His arm snaked round her tiny waist She asked him what is your great haste The glint in his eye Needed no reply Kids are out – there's no time to waste! 19th February 2015
A sex mad codger named Bill Swallowed a Viagra pill His todger did rise - You should see the size It sure gave his wife a thrill 17th Feb 2015
I'm trying a new 'see food' diet I'd recommend that you all try it Any food will do Nothing's bad for you ... It's no wonder my trousers don't fit! Written 18th February Posted on 23rd February
A pretty young lass from Dover Just loved to get her leg over A quick roll in the hay Any time night or day Her boyfriend is in spring clover 02~28~ 2015 checked with how many syllables 8 8 6 6 8 Contest: Spring forward - Debbie Guzzi
Sookie said (as she stood at the tee), "Though this golfing is boring to me, the odds can't be beat. Of golfers I meet, for each woman, the males number three!!" *Note: Female golfers number fewer than 23% in this sport. With the many doctors and lawyers that seem to enjoy this activity, I can't help but think it would be a great place for a single lady to meet rich men! For the Golf Limerick Poetry Contest of Craig Cornish
A hot redhead there was from Bordeaux Did she have the red fire down below? When she let her skirt gape And the rug matched the drape It set thirty-five Frenchmen aglow
Caleb Smith, southern gent so refined, has an interesting, humorous mind. He not only can write, but can farm, fish and fight, and on critters he hunts he has dined! Also clever at limericks is Tim. He does footles for friends on a whim. The bright bulb in his brain comes on time and again. May Tim Ryerson's light never dim. A third limerick writer, Mike Dailey, has some fifty of them we can see! Though I don't know him well, by his poems I can tell that a doting grandfather is he. There are oodles of limericks by Jack. Sheer wit our dear Horne does not lack. But his vampire obsession can leave a gal guessin'. . . Am I friends with a maniac? In praise of the Duke I now sing. All his poetry has that cool "ring" - a limerick each one - making Beauford- bar none - The PoetrySoup limerick king! *A SHOUT OUT also to five OTHER great limerick guys: Sean Kelly, Charles Sides, Charles Clive, Harry Horsman, and Robert Hinshaw & Soupers, Let me know of any other limerick guys out there I should know about! For : Sandy Ivy D's Poem of Dedication Contest
Tapped messages go out direct With phones it's an easy connect Thoughts from a finger In cyberspace linger But touching's too much to expect
The incorrect usage of tense And phrases of total nonsense Wipe out brain status With more apparatus Than the Department of Defense
Abel Cade got into a real deep blue funk, Stumbled upon a road kill and ate the dang skunk, Was right soon arrested by a passing Smokey, Who threw his sorry behind in the local pokey. Abel's defense: "Don't pick on me, can't you see I'm drunk."
Mary Ann had a boyfriend that she gave affection and great loyalty. Since the age of sixteen no one else had she seen but she wanted more at thirty-three! Her boyfriend, of course, had it made since regularly, he would get laid. So excuses he gave when Mary Ann would rave about marriage. . . and unwed they stayed. Getting pregnant was her coup d'etat when she said, "You will soon be a pa!" She said, "Furthermore, Bruce, I don't need an excuse. In my mind we're a pair - common-law!" For Black Eyed Susan's Excuses Poetry Contest
On the dance-floor they did a zigzag But he was an ol' scallywag: - "If you feel something hard - Pay no regard … It's just my colostomy-bag"
He wanted it hot with lots of spice Not sugary sweet and tasting nice Oh big boy your a looker We had sex on the cooker I'm so pleased I took your advice Jan Allison 17th September 2014
While sitting on a hollow log I was kissed by an ugly frog It turned into an ugly queen My oh my, what a hideous scene I'd rather pull ticks from a dog!
Limerick : Once a brave laddie at Lake Loch Ness for one who calls no one "Monster" when the truth may not be known: Domino X Once a brave laddie at Lake Loch Ness Kept vigil to catch Monster on lens He shut eye just for once Monster jumped in one bounce Took pic and signed it: Loch Ness Goddess ! © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There once reigned a great king on our Rock Who dared the West and defied their bloc Dark shades, face of a frown Short brute so wanted down Down, oriental appples on our Rock.
The concept of gays in a marriage One side loves and one will disparage But rule supreme court And one side must retort Justice just had a miscarriage Author's note: Regardless of the outcome from the supreme court, I happen to favor gay marriage. There really is no other conclusion since we are a land of equal rights. We should do all we can to foster a society without discrimination. The arguments against these rights reveal a lot about certain people of religious persuasion. It would be comical if it were not so sad.
My friend Quigley likes to sing And really almost any thing. Though once her high note Caused a blackbird to float, Back to earth less one wing.
There once was a witch whose pies Were unique as to flavor and size. When she opened her ovens She delighted her covens, With dozens of old crusty guys.
A little man from the hills Would eat anything for thrills He found an old bird Inside it's still heard When he speaks you hear its shrills
Once there was a professor called Ramsir His knowledge grew lesser and stressor Understanding grew too small Wasn't bashful above all That's why he's a renowned philosopher. In rounds and circles he's going a lot Going back and forth for things he forgot Gets half way here and there He becomes quite aware And his reasons for going round are shot. +++++++ May 19, 2014 Form: Limerick (42+42=84 syllables) Dr. Ram Mehta Second Place win Contest: Birthday and Aging humor by Carolyn Devonshire
In flagranti with an unknown lover Sprang apart from underneath the cover How his wife she did shout Now his secret was out - His hidden lover was her own mother! 4th March 2015
A mean ol' eunuch in charge of the harem Longed to do more to the women than scare 'em. Parts had been altered, Abilities faltered, How he dearly wished he had his old pair o' 'em.
Shelia is so fine, She smells like wine, Or maybe whiskey, Real cheap whiskey; But she is so fine.
Gnarly balls, gnarly balls, Vladimir Putin's got gnarly balls. He wrestles bears But he's losing his hair. Vladimir Putin's got gnarly balls.
He was the big stud-on-campus, was Todd, Until he was nabbed smokin' somethin' odd! Coach booted him from the team. Up in smoke went Mommy's dream, Of Todd being on a pro-football squad! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
Once was a gal who felt so alone Tornato came up rooted farms home Landed on wicked witch Munchkins came out of ditch Gave dog lollypops instead of bone
There once was a sailor named Popeye He got through the navy with one eye Wherever he sailed The dames would all hail They knew Popeye was not a bad guy Popeye you know had a sweetie A long legged gal not to meaty Olive Oyl was her name Popeye's love was insane For his love was always entreaty The trouble you know was called Bluto A very strong sailor who knew judo He was after the girl That made his head twirl For he felt they made quite a duo Popeye was not very happy He spoke to his father name Pappy Pappy said to him son Get rid of the bum You don't want to lose and feel crappy Popeye was really quite angry He was really upset and cranky So he took his old friend Tied him up in a bend Walked away a proud and true Yankee
God had a great sense of humor when He created the large goofy kangaroo. He gave it donkey ears, a deer's face, teeny tiny hands and eyes of goo goo. Then there is the kangaroo's big honking feet which cause it to hop instead of run. Don't forget it's long humongous tail that looks like the back end of a giant python. Finally there is the mama kangaroo's front pouch for the safety of the baby roo.
I lost my old bucket so sadly, And felt oh so terribly badly; Then lo and behold A pot full of gold! I'd lose me another and gladly.
Each day foul critters infest our house Though not by slipping in like a mouse We just press a button Or buy a subscription To get news wrote or spoke by a louse These creatures of the two legged kind Try hard each day to persuade our mind With sly information That helps the causation Of the falling apart of mankind They tout the need for unearned welfare Claim hard earned profits are so unfair And granting amnesty Is a good policy Plus growing our debt is fine they swear For those who work hard earning their way Give what they can and put some away Are sick of the slackers Prodded by the backers Whose aim is using half truths to sway It's hard to ignore those talking heads But it's not right to tear them to shreds Yet there's a solution And with execution We can spread liberty in their stead We'll put Obama pic's and golf caps Along with a taped speech that he yapped In a human sized crate Coz it's time to create A main stream media Have-A-Heart trap Like it or not, these traps are humane But anyways, we'll have much to gain So, once we have caught All those who have brought Disinformation causing brain drain We'll squeeze all of them in through a pipe Along with politicians who hype Irrationality And immorality Into a sphere of the livable type In there they can tax to the extreme And promote their harmful fairness schemes But when they're out of dough They will lip read our NO! Since their bubble is a sound proof dream!
Skin is the best part of a nugget Kentucky cooling in the bucket Slush Puppies to chase Forming my dietary base Worrying about my weight ..... f(orget) 't! Please see the About section for further notes regarding Limericks. 4 Jan 2013 Please note that this poem was run up in a flash and not accurate in so far as meter is concerned - check the date it was written: I was still recovering from all the work over the festive season... :-) Here follows an update for the purist among you: Skin is the best part of a nugget Kentucky now cooling in bucket Slush Puppies to chase Forms dietary base Worrying about my weight ..... f(orget) 't! Written in amphibrachic meter: In other words, how I speak and where the stresses fall naturally for my speach patern. Lines 1, 2 and 5: */*; ending with a feminine syllable Lines 3 and 4: truncated to 5 syllable, ending in masculine syllable: */*l*/ Per my notes in the About section: "In other words, it's got nine syllables to the long lines and six to the short ones, although it is not uncommon to leave a syllable out." FROM A PAGE DEDICATED TO THE CORRECT WRITING OF LIMERICKS: The classic limerick is an anapestic trimeter of five lines with the rhyming scheme AABBA. It is possible, although not the classic form, to replace all the anapests with amphibrachs, but they cannot be mixed. (The anapest [or anapaest] is a beat of UUS [Unstressed-Unstressed-Stressed] - not to be confused with a dactyl [SUU] which should not be used in limericks. The amphibrach is a beat of USU.) There are three beats in the first, second and fifth lines of a limerick and two in the third and fourth:- Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM Diddy-DUM diddy-DOM Diddy-DUM diddy-DOM Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM An extra syllable or a syllable fewer may sometimes be tolerated if all the lines with the same rhyme have the same structure.
I recall a superb comment when I first posted a poem here, but then what dismay! I could see beneath most poetry that same comment again and again! For the Comments Poetry Contest of Jack Horne>
The Darwin Awards are a posthumous honor, recognizing those who have improved the human gene pool by removing themselves from it by their own foolish actions. In a robbery way out in Long Beach Elliot's handgun misfired in the breech Down the barrel he took A quite scatterbrained look Then made it more than a figure of speech There was a foolish fellow named Gary Who gulped gasoline over near Cary The fuel made him gag So he fired up a fag And now smokes in the state mortuary "Look, no helmet!" Phil proudly decried In the headgear disobedience ride He stood for his rights Then put out his lights When he flew off his Electra Glide An impatient Korean got miffed And was ramming the doors of the lift Then went a bit daft When he got the shaft But his ride to the bottom was swift References: http://jdgroover.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/the-2013-darwin-awards-are-out/ http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2012-03.html http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2011-03.html http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2010.html
If having kinky sex was a crime, A lot of your friends would be doing time. The president and his cabinet would be too For what they do daily to me and you. Politicians may be worth two cents but certainly not a dime.
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! Wast penned by The Bard of Avon of course! Richard's steed Surrey lay dead Slain by a crossbow 'tis said Dick pled for another 'til he was hoarse! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved (Not for the contest)
Batman and Robin were done! Out cold, on a road, via stun-gun! - 'long came a truck - both of them struck Now it's just: "Flatman" and "Ribbon"
There once was an ambitious man named Eddie, who wanted a job in the traveling industry. The genie granted his wish, but Ed never expected this; an employer's note saying, "Welcome to the DMV!"
Says the ostrich to the emu with sigh, "We have a pair of wings yet cannot fly! I guess its just our bad luck That we can't cruise like a duck. Why have these things? I'll ever ponder why!" Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved
Her hair as red as a flame Her lips were colored the same … That Irish Lass … So full of sass He's wonderin' if she'd take his name? Her to him: "You've got a crust! With courtin' and dowry a must … … in wooin' I'll naught … ever be caught Afore me name I'd adjust!" "Oh, wee lassie, please see: 'T is you - the woman for me … I've 10,000 wells … of oil I sells Marry me", he said on one knee. "Oh! My! I see you're sincere My name change … it's drawing near … 'bout that oil … … can't let it spoil! Now … what's my new last name, me dear?
On the course it's pouring down rain. Anyone would think he's insane. but a ball in a hole is his joyful goal. I think golf has addled his brain. for Craig's contest 02/04/2013
The green was bespeckled with putters Till 'long came a singer, Miss Sutters She started to sing The golfers did swing And now, poor Miss Sutters, she stutters Entered in contest "Old or New in Five or Less." Placing: first. Catagory: Humorous, Old Poem
Joel once made a New Year's Resolution To put an end to procrastination But half way through the year He found himself waiting there Lost in his stagnant condition ~*~
I have just two grey hairs in my mustache That keep growing back,under my nose Why there's just two I haven't a clue Soon to be joined by many more,I suppose They say grey hair grows with wisdom But with just two hairs under my nose? No matter what I do They keep growing through The beginning of wisdom for me,I suppose Two grey hairs I've plucked and cut From my mustache under my nose For now there's just two Soon to be joined by quite a few A lesson learned in wisdom for me,I suppose Dan Kearley:2-15-13
A distinguish old gent picked up tricks. On Halloween, he went for a treat. Laughing outlandishly He staggered up the street. Hips swaying g-stringed a drag queen! __________________________________| Penned on May 05, 2014.
Freddy and Teddy are exactamundo twin brothers. They are nowhere near as funny as the Smothers. They take their crass gross comedy act on the road. All of those in the audience would rather be using the commode. Most would prefer to have their throats slit if they had their druthers.
Working in physical education Blond teacher had a realisation Spotting a young boy alone Standing all on his own Her curiosity, frustration Young man, why are you all on your own To the others, why are you disowned Well, I'm not the teams sweeper I'm their bloody goalkeeper Please Miss Coach, it's time you went home <*>
Washington is to get a foot of snow! That is nothin' new as far as I know. I will shed no clamant tears. They gave us snow jobs for years! Methinks that a pertinent quid pro quo! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
I apologize profusely that you broke my heart And I apologize profusely, you decided we should part. You refused to take the blame For playing the adultery game So it must have been my fault that you took up with that tart. for the humorous side of Barbara Gorelick's "Apology Accepted" contest
New York City is overrun by rats! And is driving the poor citizens bats. Guv'mint will botch extinction. They ne'er act with distinction. I'd suggest they bring in legions of cats! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved
A well endowed young lady from Waring At her assets men were always staring What a magnificent rack Like two bald heads in a sack Wearing low tops really was daring Jan Allison 13th November 2014 Sadly NOT for contest!
What is this, a friendly ghost Casper was nicer than most He had a show It had to go No one liked a friendly ghost We want a dark ghost that's mean Terrible fright makes us scream Boo with a bite Unending night Where nothing is as it seems Contest: Kelly's "Ghost" Date: 10-27-14
A New Year's resolution I made After drinking some spiked lemonade To someone I swore Not to drink anymore - How quickly that promise did fade! (HIC} Written By John Posey 12/30/12
I've searched my 'puter from Adasaurus All the way through to Zapalasaurus But bless my dear old soul The more I search and scroll I've yet to find one named a Thesaurus! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
'Tis tax time again much to my chagrin! I await that like a kick on the shin. Again they'll drain me dry It just wants to make me cry! Guess I'll just have to bear it and grin! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
There once was a girl named Miss Curry Whose brows always caused quite a worry. She went to the spa To have them waxed raw And now they're not nearly so furry. Entered in Andrea's "Show Me the Funny" contest
Thaddeus Dowdell was a right proper chap, Who said pip pip, tally ho and the rest of that crap. He married a young lady just as arrogant as he, She looked down her nose at rabble such as we. Thankfully, both were hacked to death by a crazy ninja Jap.
An old gal known to us all as Jill Who lived in an old house on a hill Going out for a stroll Ended up in a roll With jack at the bottom of the still Written: June 2nd, 2014 For Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy Contest
A Capital E is a backwards three. At least that is the way it looks to me. I could be mistaken. It's nothing earth shakin'. It's just an observation from little old me.
A buxom young lady named Mary Whose nipples were dreadfully hairy Tried waxing and plucking When no one was looking But re-growth was terribly scary 5th May 2014 Written especially for Roy Jerden's Bawdy Bawdy Bawdy Misss Clawdy Contest
There once was a teacher from Crete Whose foot size was very petite. But her students did plot And to high school they brought, Some shoes for oversize feet.
At a time inconvenient it teases, As it comes whensoever it pleases. Creeping ever so sly, It will make you yell, "Why?!" And the thing that I speak of is sneezes.
Make sure you can manage the weight Remember to keep the back straight Then lift slow not quick That should do the trick You've just learned to pick up a date
A pet more exotic I'd wanted. A pet to be groomed and then flaunted. Not a dog or a cat - Something cooler than that! I began my search feeling undaunted In a pet store I came on a ferret. Such a pain he was! How did I bear it? Under doors and through cracks He'd escape from me. AAAACH!! So I traded him in for a parrot. Well, the parrot just wanted to fly! And that bird knew more bad words than I. When he called me a whore, I threw open the door: "Now you're getting your wish, Bird. BYE BYE! A boa constrictor I bought, He'd like to be cuddled, I thought, But he wrapped and he squeezed, As I gasped and I wheezed, And offered the rat that I'd caught. A bowl of piranha I won - I played Baccarat with a nun - And they wiggled their bums, So I tickled their tums, But bones 'stead of fingers aint fun. My elderly aunt sent a text, Suggesting tarantulas next, But my spider alas, Took a bite of my ass: My pet-owning hobby is hexed. I went to the pet shop, I swear, But nothing I wanted was there - To my pets I am prey, So I went on eBay, And purchased a big teddy bear. For the "Grab a Partner" Contest. To see who I collaborated with, read my comment under the poem.
She said it so matter-o-factly, that girl, Morgan Kay Ackley. "One day it will be so I'll be rolling in the dough!" But being a pizza maker what do you mean exactly? NOTE: This was another funny story at work. Not exactly my joke, but I turned into a limerick for laughter's sake. A girl was telling me about how she's be famous one day... how she'll be "rolling in the dough"... and I was like, "aren't you doing that already?"... Ooohh good times they were... good times.
It always shows up on this day The surprise that takes breath away That thing that you did not want Will come back to you to haunt And there's really nothing to say!
Go ahead and smoke. That's okay If you really want to be that way Just go ahead and smoke - and choke And maybe then you'll have a stroke Then no more smoke will be coming my way
Decided I'd buy a new car With some money I got from my Ma So I found an MG (always wanted one, see) Now have to drive home from afar
Bill stared at a cute butt going by. Wishing he were much bolder, he sighed, "I would give all my pay To roll that in the hay." But looked up to see 'she' was a guy.
Nutcracker ballet tickets for fun Elegantly floating on air and sun A great fall off the wall Wife has a vice tis strife Nutcracker career, hubby done!
There once was a gal named Lucy, Who had a beloved pet goosey. The goose learned to fly, Which made Lucy cry, Now there's no more Lucy's goosey. 8/24/13 For Blackeyed Susan's limerick contest
there was once a woman of france who could put any man in a trance she'd spin them and twirl them fill their whiskey to the brim well drunk they'd fall like a blob then awake to find they were rob
"Gas: below three bucks a gallon!" The media's gleefully howlin' - But let's not forget - They're screwin' us yet If it's over a buck, they're a felon!
"Be this lipstick on your collar, McNeer?", The question inside him struck fear - But, a lie he'd not tell - " 'T was ye sister, Belle …" Funerals' tomorrow I hear.
One day on the trampoline, my nephew, aiming for the tree, overshot his leap and jumped as far as the eye can see. If you squint hard enough you'll see it in the buff; a minuscule dot orbiting the galaxy! NOTE: My nephew Ethan is one of those kids where it's not enough to say he's skinny (if he inhaled enough helium I wonder the possibilities of him floating away).
Alas, the famed Red Baron bit the dust. His last flight in his Fokker was a bust. Some thought Snoopy shot him down, But t'was a dude named Roy Brown, Leaving Charlie Brown and his friends nonplussed! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved NOTE: There is controversy to this very day about who and how the Red Baron actually died. Canadian pilot Roy Brown claimed he shot him down but there is some evidence that he may have been hit by a rifleman from the ground. Here's hoping this will keep you awake at night worrying about it!!!
When worked up and yelling a sight to behold She was an expert on the art of the scold But she was good in bed And kept him well fed And he was quite deaf if the truth be told
Limerick : Once a Little Girl and her Sister Once a little girl and her sister Went out for a walk in a bluster Little girl lost her way Big sister blew away With a Mister who wore a whisker. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
While you were out I started to think. I thought so hard that it drove me to drink. I drank so much that I fell on the floor And when I got up I fell through the door. I rolled off the porch and into the grass And onto a nail that stuck in my ass. I screamed in horror as I ran for the house And as I ran in I tripped on a mouse. As I was flying all up in the air I landed atop my wife's favorite chair. The chair was now broken and fell to the floor at the same moment that she walked through the door. When I woke up I was outside my home and staring right into the face of a gnome. So if you ever sit down to think don't ever let it drive you to drink.
Mused the owl roosting on a pine tree shoot, "My colleagues think I'm not very astute, But I wisely perch in pines, Not on hot transmission lines! If they singe their butts I don't give a hoot!"
There once was a man from Mac, who was loving, but oh so fat. When he ate so much, he fell off his crutch, he found that his food didn't love back! NOTE: This was actually the first limerick I ever wrote. Not a favorite, but I still enjoy it... I like how with the limerick I have a great excuse to come up with complete non-sense. Like a fictional town named Mac who's inhabitants are called "Mackians".
The Skateboarder Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 A skateboard he tried to ride. He didn't there long abide. It went airborne, It did not forewarn, He landed on his under side!
There once was a president Bill who used often a safe cracker drill. With a noteworthy bend and a knob on the end, it liberated huge wads of bills.
An old salt from the islands of Forth Rearranged his wife's bed to point north His romantic spouse Alice Gave him iron and Cialis And he upheld that bearing henceforth
There was once a finicky chap named Lou, Who espied a fly swimming in his stew! Said the waiter to the bloke, "What a fantastic backstroke! He won't eat much and will leave some for you!" Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved
When he hit the ball onto the green That was the last time that it was seen They lifted the pole And there in the hole Was a mole where the ball should have been © 1/04/2013 ~GG~ Show me The Funny part 2
I once played a game called kerplunket While sticking my head in a bucket I played it with fools I didn't know the rules I just liked the sound kerplunket
From prison he tried to escape But, had the IQ of a grape … His rocket (mis-wired) … Quickly backfired Now he's all over the landscape
My costume makes me look fat And I lost my witches hat I can't find my broom It's not in the room Now where's my lucky black cat An unfortunate man named Keith Mislaid his set of false teeth Tried apple bobbing His jaw was throbbing Poor guy can't get no relief I love eating pumpkin pie My tum is big its no lie I pick up my spoon Then I start to swoon Feel sick and I want to die Jan Allison 11th October 2014
There was a young man lived in Dover And he was the son of a rover He fell into the sea Cause clumsy was he A shark came and it was all over.
A young gentlemen named Grant Cragnell Sought debauchery in Newport Pagnell He got terribly drunk Before sharing his bunk With a midget and a brown cocker spaniel
There once was a Russian with a brain. Yes, a Russian who was not insane. He never in his life told a lie. In sixteen twenty two he did die. The last Russian who was not a pain.
In grammar school the boys had fun Even though not one had a gun They'd stalk a girl Trying to shoot squirrel But not one ever even saw one
With terrain and angles galore Nature has objects to adore But what is this glitch? A non-working bra hitch Hides the peaks we want to explore
Limerick: Once an upset farmer in Xin Jia Po Once an upset farmer in Xin Jia Po* Built farms upwards in tiers: O! Vertigo! Produce diminishing UFOs pilfering Now he sows wild oats in Infierno! • Chinese for Singapore © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Composing in regards to a quickie, I will leave to those Soupers more frisky. Therefore, I shall abstain, From racking my poor brain, To muse upon a matter so risky! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved Entry for Skat's "A Quickie" Contest (19 June 2014)
Written by Gail DeBole on February 4, 2013 A man with the name of Feng Shui Arranged his life in a Qi-loving way. Full of sweet harmony, And life planned to a "T", Bad Karma didn't "stand" in his way! Note: Part of the Portrait Collection
There once was a woman named Camilla, She wanted a castle but not a villa, So she got a prince, But he started to wince, When she started to look more like Godzilla. Poetry contest: monsters and Marvels Date: 10.08.14 Sponsor: Debbie Guzzi
Girl and Cell Phone Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 The phone was stuck to her ear. Everyone she wanted to hear. Every moment thus consumed, Her life not resumed, Sad life – it doth appear!
Written by Gail DeBole Zelma Zotz's new year's contribution Is to think of a definite solution To avoid making a plan (which she really can't stand) For yet another new year's resolution! Gail's Note: You can find some historical information about the history of the new year's resolution at http://www.examiner.com/article/history-of-new-year-s-resolutions.
Love My new lil' Fiat, When I park, crowds gather about I'd be so much more proud If they didn't yell so loud "Hey mister, When are the clowns Gonna' climb out!"
From the shower to the mirror I stand With my breasts cupped in my hands Oh my gosh they're too small As I stand there and bawl You men simply just don't understand He suggests I take some toilet paper I've to rub them, Oh what a caper Blimey, how long this will take It'll take months, just wait Keep rubbing you'll soon be the shaper Golly, I'm starting to feel a right tit My new Bra they ain't going to fit Well it worked for your ass Keep going darling lass There's the proof, no lies, didn't it .
The lady doth protest too much, methinks. (She with face inscrutable as the Sphinx.) Although she was nay forthright, Shakespeare wast somewhat polite, But saw through her nefarious high jinks! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
Hipperity hipperity hop bunny so full he could pop squeezes down his hole bumping into mole who gave his ear a sound wop
He stands before us to deliver a poem,a prose,a verse a rhyme or message. His manner quite manifesting, and his confidence puts the crowd at ease. Soon and very soon, too soon- we loath him. There is to much cluster on his grandiloquent vine,of strung together words without substance. Tho the use of an,apophasis gives poetic license to insult. we loathe him instantly. The silver-tongued orator's brilliance,soon becomes wearisome. While the mute articulate points of his eccentric ramblings leads us to dead ends. Unfulfilled and burdened. We now loath him. The loathsome Bard goes on to rant about,degrading and dissolute issues of life,which we felt the Bard had not concern about. His bombast delivery, to some appears eloquent, grand-stand language,bellowed out quite grandiloquent. Wordy vagaries, leading us nowhere. As we listen to the FANFARONADE of his charades,we loathe him. Tho quite colorful and pompous,he leave us in shambles, brains all scrambled and we loathe him. The once brilliant verse, though well rehearsed, is wearisome.! The Bard,went not in hard; We the discombobulated pray aloud"next poet please Lord" We all were relieved as he finally did leave, because he looked better going than coming; With our intellect he was toying, tho the Bard was not hard ....!!!! Most certainly; He was annoying !
There once was a lass that was bawdy Suffice just to say she was naughty When the time came to flirt She would lift up her skirt That showed a sign that said $Three Forty Contest May 25, 2014
The new paint on the walls just will not dry I watched it and wanted to cry They say that it's boring It soon had me snoring But to stay awake I really did try © 15/07/2013
Johnnie Kenner was sitting on the pot. He was constipated and getting very hot. Johnnie got frustrated and began to yell and shout. His mom gave him some laxative to force the feces out. All heck broke loose and Johnnie overflowed the pot.
Overheard by flies on the White House wall During Bubba's tete-a-tete with his moll. "Order extra salami And a tad more pastrami Fer my pizza on yer next service call!" Entry for Andrea Dietrich's Limerick Contest
Louie is a real nut. It's like he's always talking out of his butt. No one likes crazy Louie. He's more than a little screwy. He is the human version of a mangy mutt.
Buddy Ray George is a huntin' fool, Come opening day he goes and skips school; He went out and shot a possum in the ass, Then and there the doggone thing started passing gas, But then again, it could also have been bloody stool.
Weird Hair Dr. James E. Martin ©March, 2014 Her hair was quite a sight. It caused in some much fright. It was pink and green, Like you've never seen, It was way beyond a delight!
There was a silly woman from Detroit Who at everything was adroit She couldn't ev'n boil an egg She just kept them in a keg And then she threw them like a quoit. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 10.21.2014
I'm glad to see that comin' back in chic, Are socks that I ain't worn in quite a streak. Argyle socks are now the rage! Even at my elder age, I'll sport 'em so I won't be called a geek! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved
He was sitting calmly by the swimming pool. He was looking real good and feeling cool. A great looking redhead showed up in a skimpy bikini. He started up a conversation trying to get the real skinny. He was hoping that she wouldn't realize he was a lecherous tool.
Been writing Limericks in the last while In my own inimitable quite naughty style Hope I get by those censors Nothing gained, nothing ventured Might be singing "in a while crocodile" © Jack Ellison 2013
There once was a cow named McKuen Whose cud she was always a'chew'n. Till one day in her lane We asked please explain, Said she, "It shor beats a stand'n 'n moo'n."
I awaited, from my Doctor Quills, A prescription for medicinal pills - the pills were applied - but I about died When I had received his pill bills!
I ate to many sweets this past year. My sweet tooth is the culprit I fear. Stopping my sweet treats, Will be bittersweet . Resolution this year is unclear. Pull my sweet tooth is what I will do. Which one will I pull, have I a clue? It is my mindset, I need to except, To limit all my sugary chews. For Gwendolen's contest, "Limerick in My Pocket"
't was on a rainy day in Camelot A knight saw a maid he liked a lot Before he paid heed He remembered, indeed Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not The maid, it seemed, had almost forgot The words of her mother, whose name was Dot For marital bliss Remember just this Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not The knight with the maid was quite besot And after a time they tied the knot She never did scold He did not grow old Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not The end of this tale may surprise a lot Because heaven is not the place he got Words one day you may recall Some, but certainly not all Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not
There was once a village tailor named Clyde Who was known for his misfits though he tried. He altered trousers for Mort. Mort said, "The inseam's too short!" My! My! Mort, how you have grown!" Clyde replied! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired Copyright (All Rights Reserved)
There was a young lady named Rose Who lit her a fire when the wind blows. Her house went to flame, Firemen had came, When she played with the fireman's hose. 06-19-2014
When David composed the beautiful Psalms, He did so without computers and roms! That's when poetry began. Old Dave wrote to inspire man. Ah! If Psalms were set to music by Brahms! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved Entry for Justin Bordner's "How Poetry Began" Contest
(Limerick) Batman and Robin hit the Joker But their blow was only a croaker The Joker hit back But instead hit Jack Who said "I'm glad, the Joker's an smoker! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 09.16.2014
Haikus with beer go well, I was told So I sat down and I ate eighty-four And when I got through I'm here to tell you, There sure was a mess on the floor Written by John Posey 12/22/12
Try something special to show your bum There are those girls who think they are dumb, It's known as a thong, get a pair, It's like no underwear down there. Unlike a guitar, ..one string can strum! 11-14-14
there once was... there once was a rooster from Nantucket with vocal stylin's, it only could cluck it it cocked and it crowed strutin' loud 'round abode 'til the farmer's wife's axe did awestruck it © Goode Guy 2013-01-28
'Twas well-known that Gen'ral Grant liked his rum But he knew how to make an army hum Lincoln said that if he knew Where Ulysses got his brew For his slothful gen'rals he'd order some! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved
A tongue with good luck is embraced By a honeyed candy-like taste This holiday treat Is a fabulous eat And lies under silk lingerie laced
There once was a man named Walt Who was more than worth his salt But when trouble came He got all the blame Even though he was not at fault
In Oz most things had a glitch: Like bricks from red to yellow did switch; - Monkey things - with flyin' wings; And ... the water's bad – ask the witch!
A ventriloquist there was named Monique Who could make all of her body parts speak Her right hand did British Her left handled Yiddish Down below she preferred French and took Greek
Green leprechauns already know There's zilch at ends of a rainbow So to own and hold Pots of silver and gold Is the way to have lots of dough Author's note: The color of leprechauns is significant here!
I ran into the room, said, "Do I smell bacon?", but couldn't decipher the smirk Jim was making. "Sure, if that's what you wanna call it! Hey, why not stuff your gullet?", and like a true American I was taken.
There once was a feller named Charlie Horse, Who was unmercifully teased of course. But he took it all in stride, With a modicum of pride, Damning his zany name 'til he was hoarse! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
"The peacemaker" is Glock's new gun Its spent rounds are rapture and fun Yes killing's a thrill Since I'm mentally ill And need to own more than just one A gun for me is like prozac The bullets clipped pills in a stack I'm not paranoid But have weapons deployed In case I should have an attack
Jackson LeGrand is a big hardy mountain man. He eats rocks for breakfast and pisses out sand. He has outfoxed foxes and outrun deer. Each Sunday he drinks his weight in beer. He even has the nerve to eat spam straight from the can.
My research reveals there's an Allosaurus And a dinosaur called a Zupaysaurus. As you can readily see, I have searched from A to Z, But am yet to find one called a Thesaurus! Entry for Roy Jerden's "Limericks Clean and Clever" Contest (10 Nov 2014)
There once was a man from somewhere Who had trouble with his nose hair So he gave them a perm With a wiggle and squirm And won second prize at the fair
1. An irascibelephant whom no-one could trust Had a whim to run amok, or bust! Though roundly condemned by his peers as a skunk, From interception they'd cowardly shrunk, Saying simply, "Old boy, if you musth, then you musth!" 2. Elephants have as a favourite pursuit A fondness for tasty doum palm fruit, Though when of this delight they are sated, The tuskers can become quite inebriated, And stagger home in enormous wobbly-boots!
I travelled to Stratford today (Crossed the Avon on the way) In search of The Bard To give him my card As I'd had an idea for a play
There once was a pant-less lady she sure was rather shady now spied by two grandee's they pulled down their braces and gave her lots of brandy making this lady so bawdy for David and Debbie
Wacko Wally says he will be a MC. He claims that someday he will be on TV. He practices in the park. He drones on well after dark. His public nuisance arrests now number three. 11-11-2014
Anyone can wear corduroy, Whether you are a girl or boy. It's a fabric woven well. Heading for heaven or going to hell; Spend eternity all comfy in corduroy.
Freda Cheda was a skank. Her whole dang body stank. Frank "Fugly" Ugly loved her anyway. He thought about her night and day. They got married and it was quite rank.
In hopes of gaining a heap of knowledge, Frank had blown a ton of dough for college! But to be perfectly frank, He'd have more bucks in the bank, If he was a plumber, he'd acknowledge! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
There was an old coot named Clyde Hugaday Who hugged gals in a most passionate way! This didn't please his spouse And she warned the old louse He'd best shape up or there'd be hell to pay! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
History repeats itself. History repeats itself. Did I say that? Did I say that? History repeats itself.
Limerick: Once a Prince from the Kingdom Toikey Once a Prince from the Kingdom Toikey Insisted on being wed by his turnkey But his you may know not Got stuck in a chamber pot That's how the Queen got wed by her lackey. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Paddy O'Briar was a stinking drunk, Who would get as doggone crazy as a rabid skunk; Then he would dance a wee Irish jig, Have sexual relations with a pig, And spend a restless night on a jailhouse bunk.
There was once a golfer named T. Woods In bedrooms of many he had stood A birdy from far An eagle on par But his great nine iron best understood 03/28/13
For me its always a great debate, getting things done just moments short of late. I'd say something witty at the end of this ditty, but like I said I procrastinate.
Lonely Lou was no fool. He went to an all-girls school. The principal said: "What The Hey!" He expelled the boy on his first day. Lou did get a couple of phone numbers so now he's cool.
The Hooky, Cookie, Rookie Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 They say his nick-name is "Cookie." From school he'd often play hooky. He was no fool, Was actually quite cool, It is evident he was no rookie.
A hairy thing once roamed our streets That chased cats for sport and treats. But it roamed too far And a dog catcher and car, Grabbed Harry and chained his feets.
A new Drug Device A wife in tough labor pain was advised By a doctor to try new drug device To shift pain, a quarter To the child's father Husband consenting, she took the pill thrice. The husband didn't feel pain even then She felt some pain, the fourth pill remained Husband gave her the last pill To take away all the ills She did and both were feeling great then. They passed a few hours with great joy The wife gave birth to a baby boy Next day they came home And saw a sight awesome On the doorstep they found the paperboy. +++ January 15, 2015 Form Limericks
The town drunk felt a dire need to wee-wee! In the park he found a sycamore tree. As the cops led him away, The old souse was heard to say, "Where e'er you be, let yer water flow free!" Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
In my days as a graphic designer My life could not have been finer I drew pretty models Then put on my goggles And made love to them on my recliner © Jack Ellison 2013
Whoa! Whoa! Slow down a bit girly. You are starting to sound a little squirrelly. You say you saw a ghost? And he looked like a TV game show host? The best description you can give is that he's big, white and burly!
I met a young fellow not that long ago. His name was Bocephus but he told me to call him Bo. He could sing a real great country song. I could sit and listen to him sing all day long. I named my new hound dog after him, I call him BoJo.
The Englishman Prince married a really high toned lady, She was royalty too, so she was more than a little shady. She looked like a horse and smelled like a cow, But the pathetic Britisher married her anyhow. All the kingdom's subjects started praying they would never have a baby.
Wally Johns was a very jolly fella. He slipped into a very fancy gala. Immediately Wally lit up a smoke. Then he told an insensitive tasteless joke. Now Wally Johns is a sad toothless fella.
There once was a girl named Janet Who went everywhere on the planet She danced in France And then, by chance Ended up on top of the granite
Jimmy Joe Cosgrove went out to ski, While skiing he had to pee, He tried to slow down, But he skis like a clown, And slammed smack dab into a tree.
There was a young man named John Bowman Who was renowned as a bit of a showman He practiced Yoga Dressed in a toga Convinced that he was a real Roman
Dere once was a goil in da Quawta Who never did do what she oughtta. She stripped down one night --Dat was really a sight-- Till NOPD come and caughtta!
Limerick : Once an Airman who couldn't stand his wife Once an Airman who couldn't stand his wife Was going out of his mind with strife Took to the clouds with spouse Called her names like : »Leech ! Louse ! » Then jumped out plane to sentence for life. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013.
"O'Reilly! …what'll I do with Miss Glamour? She's me girl, but can no longer stand 'er: - Farts all the time - for no reason or rhyme …" That's easy, mate … Buy a windjammer!
I had resolved one year, To never again have a fear But I feared sitting down, So I walked all around And that's how I ended up here.
There is a girl living in the city; She was born with just one titty. Her one tit is really big, It kinda looks like a pig. She's free and proud and seeks no pity.
The salesman offered free gas for a year, If Gus would buy a brand new Buccaneer! Gus exclaimed, "Is this for real?" Wifie said, "Forget the deal! You are full of gas already, my dear!" Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
Limerick : Once a Roundsman signed a round robin Once a Roundsman signed a round robin To keep his men from a certain inn Men called to tell his wife : At inn he danced to fife So the wife played high fife with the men*. • Pronounced as in England : « min ». © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Chadsworth Cabot was a proud member of high society, It was his birthright, can't you ignorant dolts see. He pranced around on fancy polo horses, Played golf at only the very finest courses And stuffed his smug mug with dang crumpets and tea.
The was a young golfer whose mother Constantly around him would flutter. All over each green, Her antics were seen, Until he thumped her with his putter! 2 April 2013.
"Hey, throw me somethin', mister!" Sometimes got you a blister Right in the hand Like it was planned! (How else could you have kissed her?)
An unfortunate young man named Rodger Had an incredibly tiny todger But lust for him is strong His tongue is a foot long So he's got them all licked has our Rodger Written for Roy Jerden's Bawdy Limericks II Contest 06-25-14
His name is Gustavo Enrique Armand. He's big and burly but can still do a handstand. He spent most of his adult life working for a circus, Until the bearded lady kicked his big burly tuckus. When he gets higher than a kite he dances a mean Can-Can.
Limerick: Once a bold billionaire from Ma-Lays-She-Ah Once a bold billionaire from Ma-Lays-She-Ah* Bought up politicos to militia They put his money to work Called him a right proper jerk Now he pulls rickshaws barefoot in absentia. • Read also as: "Ma-Lays-He-Ah" © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
He pocketed the ring and sidled over Temptation too much for this old rover When kissing wife "goodnight" Cold sweat beading and fright Realising band lost at midnight lover
There once was a girl named Ann Who had a plan to get a man For a while it was wild Till he learned of her child And that was the end of that plan
A man once known as Benny Grunch One day led all his yatty bunch From rehearsal to a lunch That ended up in a crunch When they rattled a bowl of punch The other guests did laugh and stare And acted like they didn't care If Benny and his bunch Had their grungy lunch And put on their yatty air But in the end the chef did send Them all crawling around the bend Thus they never went back To that old seafood shack And would never again recommend
Hail to the Dragon Slayer? From Metro-Goldwyn Mayer? What did he really do? Except charge me and you To joust another player!
This Valentine's Day I shall send To my boyfriend so not to offend. Even though I am fond, If he does not respond, No worries. He's got a best friend.
Dennis the Menace is his Mother's bane! He drives his neighbor George Wilson insane! A saint He ain't But he's a loveable imp though a pain! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
I went to the land of Mantuffit Where their motto is "can you bring it?" All the guys were really buff Yet I wasn't very tough Still they couldn't toss me out of Mantuffit I don't really know the answer Perhaps it's because I'm a writer I have the sting of bee My words pack a punch like Ali Like him light on my feet like a dancer So I guess in the end I brought it I mesmerized them with a sonnet I brought them all to tears They all cried in their Beers In the end there was no more Mantuffit Any New Limerick contest Sponsored by Black Eyed Susan
Folks wait with bated breath 'cross the nation, For Phil's insightful prognostication. What will his prediction be? We will have to wait and see, After Phil wakes from his hibernation! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2014 All Rights Reserved (Not for contest)
A life, years before, had begun, Now … nearly over and done Down a lane Just to obtain Life's irrepressible lesson. 'T is not what we have possessed That left us so wonderfully blessed Nor was it beauty, Nor sense of duty But how our life's been assessed. 'T was treatment of mankind and kin … The love we expressed from within To those we met, And without regret Would happily do it again.
There once was a poet named Jan Who was looking to find a new man Joined the Naked Ramblers Association With little or no hesitation Now I'm swinging as much as I can Jan Allison 20th March 2014 Written as challenged by Darren Watson to join the 'Naked Ramblers Society' Please read my Blog about my poem 'Tonight I've been swinging for the very first time'.
ALL RISE! Here come de judge! Courts in session! Guilty or not is at his discretion! (I'd jes' as soon be fishin' Than sittin' here a-wishin' I hadn't committed that transgression!) Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
Once Plato and Lao-Tzu had their own blog Since their philosophies thought mighty strong Expected people much to read With wisdom themselves to feed But readers chose instead opinion's fog! © Demetrios Trifiatis 03 FEBRUARY 2015
He was driving a tricked out limousine. It was big, bad and he was feeling mean. He drove it hard, he drove it fast. Before he knew it he ran out of gas. The car was stolen, he had no cash, he fled the scene.
There was an old man named Andy Cap who was a golf loving kind of chap forgot to tee off his partner did scoff when the bar maid remained on his lap. © Harry J Horsman 2013
Can't write me a good sonnet It's a bee in my bonnet The words will NOT rhyme It is such a crime Others have gone and done it! Piece of pie with the quatrains Them beauties tickle my brains I just cannot stop The words they just pop But dang sonnets sure are pains! It's clear that I'm no Shakespeare But I try, now what's the fear? Might fall on my face And be a disgrace A laugh for many a peer! And then there is the tanka Help me, or I'll just spank ya Keep wanting to rhyme I get stuck each time Praise me, and I will thank ya! Don't let me start on haiku I try with so much ado That blasted third line Just won't turn out fine You're laughing now, aren't you? For Andrea's Contest Show me the Funny (Part II)
She loved sweet nothings whispered in her ear. Her guy used salty slang when filled with beer. "A lady I am!" she said. "Clean up your act or drop dead!" He's slept 'neath the sod for nearly a year!
There was a young man from China Who couldn't think of anything finer Than to smoke cigarettes - play with his pets Eat out at an all night diner
The skin is the best part of a nugget Croc Kentucky now cooling in bucket It tastes like chicken stew Chase it down with home brew I should worry about my weight? F(orget) 't! ___________________________________________________________________ Author's Notes: I used slant rhymes "nugget" & "bucket" as there is no perfect rhyme for "bucket" - and in true Limerick style, it "rhymes" with the end of line 5 ;-) BTW Crocodile meat tastes like chicken - I have eaten it :-) In anapest trimeter: **/**/**/ = lines 1, 2 & 5 (I added an additional feminine syllable at the end of the lines) **/**/ = lines 3 & 4 ___________________________________________________________________
Limerick : Once a Korean crossed the border Once a Korean crossed the border Found his papers were not in order They checked his knees and genes Found he ate the same beans So they stewed him in nuclear cooker. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There's nothing wrong with the name Burger King (aside from the obvious ego thing). But I'd be mighty skeptic about shouting out in public, "Let's go buy a couch from that place called Sofa King" NOTE: Say "Sofa King" while closing your eyes... see if you don't notice something strange.
I'm hospitalized and there was a nurse named Jane She said I need plenty of sleep for my health attain She took samples of my urine and then replaced the infusion She gave me my medicine and always checked on my condition And every time I tried to sleep, her present made me awake again!
There once was a lady from France Who always went around with no pants So popular was she Started charging a fee Each time she went pee in her plants © Jack Ellison 2013
Was a young lad from Missouri Rushing about in a flurry - A bathroom to find - His bowels were maligned Oops! Never mind. End of story.
Limerick : Once Hillbilly Bumpkin came to town Once Hillbilly Bumpkin came to town Citizens mocked this no-make-up clown She hitched ride on red bus To Piqued-Silly-Circus And there let drop (her) feathered eiderdown. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Once a man at my door said, "Knock, knock?" When I said, "Who's there?" He just said, "Knock." "Knock who?" I posed "Knock knock?" he proposed And we repeated that till twelve o'clock.
Writing little rhymes such as this - there's little more as swell. But a chore on this noggin, if you can't rightly tell. I couldn't sleep a wink the night my brain began to think, "I can buy all the meds I desperately need, when these poems start to sell!" NOTE: Far-fetched, but a man can dream.
Caesar to Brutus (in strife): "I fear you've taken my Life …" - I thought you meant - It would be lent, When you said: "Here … hold my knife"
It's not "I'll do what I can", That defines for women, her man Nor his strength Nor hair length. It's the "you's" ... not me's" ... of his plan
Time does our earth presence sever But the post office is clever And offers for sale For its eternal mail A stamp that is good forever Author's note: The idea that anything associated with this planet will be consumed "forever" is peculiar and laughable. It is also destructive in that business holds the truth in shadows.
Limerick: Once a fidgety Lady from Greenwich Once a fidgety Lady from Greenwich Who couldn't tell the time from a witch Asked Big Ben the long hand Why slower than short hand Since at Westm'nster serves as a switch. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 201
"We can't go on meeting like this 'Cause my husband's all in a hiss" - I found out: She's right. - met her husband tonight I think it's my face I will miss.
Limerick : Once a Time-Keeper at race Marathon Once (a) Time-Keeper at race Marathon Decided to keep time on the run He kept looking at watch Runners forgot to watch Ended up in Tower of London. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There's a wanna-be boxer named Whitney, Who deals blackjack in Atlantic City. I said with a straight face, "That you'll never win, ace." And then foolishly told him to hit me.
There once was a girl named Beverly Who was endowed so very heavily With a gorgeous rack That brought you right back To where she had wanted you to be
I once knew a songster from Skokie Who was thrown in the Sing Sing pokey They claimed he was off key And his voice was croaky So he killed them at karaoke!
Unconscious, he's now come around He's in hospital recently found With tubes up his nose Being nursed his sore blows His arrogance simply astounds You may not feel anything from the waist down Behave, simply stop acting the clown I apologise for my wit May I please feel your tits With a little smack, he started to frown .
Limerick: Once a Lady-in-Waiting in London Once (a) Lady-in-Waiting in London Was kept waiting by a Spanish Don She stood with one leg up And called busy Don up That's how (the) cramp in the fun got undone. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
A miss, with handsome curved thighs, From men she elicited sighs - Try as they would - None of them could Ever lay hands on the prize.
The "Bad Witch of Oz" lost her throne They weren't gonna' leave her alone … the water was Fracked … it's how she got whacked But … how many others aren't known!
Limerick: Once a mincing Mrs. from Mississippi Once a mincing Mrs. from Mississippi* Went to a bank for a fiddle-d-dee But her girdle got stuck And the "SS" came unstuck That's why Missis ends as a double P.. *No aspersions cast on Mississippians here; the term refers to the Paleozoic era in North America, following the Devonian and preceding the Pennsylvanian, of course. © T. Wignesan - Paris, 2013
She invited me into her lavender bath I'm a ships captain and feeling quite daft Though I was feeling absurd I took her at her word You should see where I moored my craft With three suitors she could take her pick The stress and worry was making her sick She only knew she must marry Quickly she dumped Tom and Harry She knew she could not live without Dick. There was a young lady named Mary Her huge butt was terribly scarey She went on a new diet But please don't you try it As its now pert but terribly hairy 26th June 2014 Written by Jan Allison & Darren Watson
There once was an old dude, quite a prude Never drank never smoked up, never crude Till one fine day A girlie did play With his hoo ha, sure changed the old dude's mood! © Jack Ellison 2013
A voluptuous young lady from Peel Her huge breasts she would try to conceal So she wore baggy tops When she went to the shops But folks stared and asked are they real?
To grab all seems some are inclined Their trespass could be unconfined So passwords and keys Though designed for my ease Have got me all locked in a bind
There once was a man who ate nothing but prunes He was broke and howled at the moon He was desperate for work And got some soon Blowing up air ballons. There was a man from pakistan Who owned an old ice cream van But the ice cream melted in the sun Poor man And now he sells burgers in a bun. There was an elephant called peek a boo Who escaped from a zoo It didn't take long to trace him Just am hour or two They just followed a trail of giant poo. There was a hedgehog who married a frog They tried to mate but it hurt too much and fell of the log So the hedgehog took off his pricly coat And now they have seven little hedgefrogs That live on a boat. There was a bear who loved Fred Astaire Who danced here and danced there He stole clothes from a washing line He looked a treat in ladies pink panties and tutu Hey bear give them back there mine!. Peter Dome. copyright.2014. Sept.
There once was a fine hacker named Bub who whacked what he hacked with a wood club each whack a divot his hips wouldn't pivot you should see what he did to the shrubs!
Limerick: Once a gay Roman bored Emperor Once a gay Roman bored Emperor Sailed Near East as great Conqueror Queen there married brother Was this a great bother? He married Queen to have the Other! © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Trio of Limericks. Saving money There was an old fellow named Dave He found a dead chook in a cave It smelled just a bit But he had to admit That a whole lot of coin he did save. When Andy got randy There was an old sheep dog named Andy He had such a liking for brandy One day he got drunk And lord how he stunk Cause with an old skunk he got randy. Poor lady Once an old lady named Faye Who ate like a horse every day This day she did choke And it was no joke Her corpse in a heap now does lay.
There are many things to which I'm averse I know the Commandment says not to curse So to stifle my tongue From bad words bein' flung I'll fix vexations flingin' rocks at a hearse! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
What flies though the air up above Disguised as a peace seeking dove For those who've not heard Drones can send you the bird From the land of brotherly love Author's note: Is this really how to win friends and influence people (for the long term)?
Sandra Bullock did overpower Chelsea Handler in her shower And as she slapped poor Handler She really was a man handler But that just made Chelsea glower
Limerick: Once a fierce Samurai from Xi Ban Guo Once a fierce Samurai from Xi Ban Guo Displayed his sword-play in a tornado But his sword slipped hands And entered his ampersands* So now he limps about incognito. • In fact, I really mean: § © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Once a Lord from the Kingdom of Dunkey Who wasn't quite descended from the monkey Didn't quite see he was a mule On account of a royal rule That anything on back must be flunkey (c) T. Wignesan - Paris, 2012
(Limerick) When Lizzie (Borden) saw what she's done Thought to herself that was so much fun So she whack them again And again and again Then laughed aloud at what she's done! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 09.16.2014
Hey diddle diddle who wants to diddle Or maybe play a tune on my fiddle I may be quite old But my body's not cold Though I may need to stop for a piddle © Jack Ellison 2013
Limerick: Once an-Other Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne Once an' Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne Slipped tongue into a Black Hole's butt end She came out Parallel In multi-Verse pell-mell Now she reads sweN at aeS (Ace) ennA-N*. • For the general knowledge of readers of this limerick, humble clarifications are offered here. The capital letters: A, H, I, M, N, O, T, U, V, W, X, and Y are used without any visible change in the alphabet of our own Parallel Universe where – as everybody knows – Time regresses from Future to Past, i.e., e.g. say, from being "well-satiated" to being "hungry" and back forth. Here, even though "N" is written as "N", the pronunciation is unwaveringly: "nE". For more detailed explanations regarding the rules of prosody in our Parallel Uni-Verse, s'il vous plait, address your queries to Yours Truly at his address in Multi-Verse. Merci Beaucoup! © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
A man awaiting the God's judgement God said, "You're evil but no atonement" "So am I", the man said "Will send to hell", the God said "I lived in hell, can't repeat punishment" The God thought for a while and announced "I will send you to heaven instead" "You can't do that" the man said "Why can't I? the God asked " Never, in no way it can be envisioned" +++ September 20,2014. Form Limerick Dr. Ram Mehta Contest" No. 13 by P.D.
Limerick : Once a Baby found in a bucket Once a Baby found in a bucket Grew up to be tough as a biscuit She took a desert trip Sahara took a flip (Some people take her/me for a nitwit) That's why biscuits taste sandy when bit. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
The once was a girl named Lynn Who when young was so very thin When she grew up she grew out, too But she never lost that old woo-woo And every beauty contest would win
The once was a woman named Terri Who could make you feel so merry But then there was loss When she tried to be boss Inferior? She made you feel very
There once was a man from Rome who's head was shinny like chrome gave the world spiritual hope was given the title of Pope now he wears a hat like that of a gnome
There was a charming prince searching for a bride He wants Cinderella to be his future wife She rushed home before midnight and the prince goes for a tag But he stumbled on her shoe and the stairs broke his head And poor Cinderella must clean the chimney for life For "Show me the Funny contest" by Andrea Dietrich
There once was a fellow named Jack For poetry he sure had a knack He'd throw in some smut Up in arms they'd erupt But Jack said I don't give a crap © Jack Ellison 2013
Hot Rod Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 His hot rod was way too fast. His lot was quickly cast. He felt the need For continual speed, No gas station was ever passed.
These walls conceal an ugly war Kitty litter raids my floor This tidy home I'm sworn to keep A rugged broom's a tiresome sweep Three cats are such a chore
Limerick: Once a delicious hen fed on rice-sticks for Delysia Hendricks, with many, many thanks Once a delicious hen fed on rice-sticks Loved gorging herself on limericks She pecked on a sweet line It turned all alkaline Now chicken's served with acid on bricks. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Limerick: Once a measly Miser in Mumbai Once a measly Miser in Mumbai Liked watching dancing girls on the sly He went to Bolly-Wood Though he felt jolly good His loot sucked by Bombay Ducks well nigh. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Me friend, Ol' Paddy's, a joke He thinks he can best any bloke "you'll see … None better'n me!" ('Tis braggadocio he spoke.) So I, from rancid cuisine Passed gas - 'twas really obscene Then I state: "Do it, Mate: Catch that ... paint it green!"
There once was a poor man from Kent So many "ladies" used his coin when He spent Though not in the way of a true mans intent more like the speed of the seed that He sent So quickly He came to a concluding dismay it was barely a coital event
A well endowed man named Billy Had the most enormous willy When he got it out His lady would shout Come here and roger me silly Jan Allison 13th September 2014
Here squats a Black Widow spider, who sups a swig of sweet cider. He spies her there, scoots close to share and sips the hot brew beside 'er. She darts with aim to devour, her size gives her lethal power. She fakes a hug, then snags him snug; true bliss defines his last hour. For some who deceive are gifted to mask when power is shifted. The prey's surprise— he's soon incised— his parts all broken and sifted.
Scotland in Pawn's Dreams A visit to Scotland in Pawn's dreams Means grinding and riding little steams Bout clouds know how to mark Send battered skin as stark And then kitty cat walks in sunbeams 5/5/2014
Limerick : Once a Lonely Grand-Dad in a Log-Jam Once a Lonely Grand-Dad in a Log-Jam Paid an urgent visit to a Grande-Dame* She lifted the stuck log During Pea-Souper smog Damn ! Got carried down Grand-Dad Rapids – Wham ! * Dame : pronounced as in French © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Limerick: Once a Baron born near Basingstoke Once a Baron born near Basingstoke Dreaded being made (the) butt of a joke Yet he built his castle Shaped as a sharp whistle Winds coursed through laughing like Marma-Duke. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
My English professor did my eye disturb, Her grammar exquisite - her ass superb! I asked her out just by chance, She said "sure! wanna dance?" "No Ma'am" I replied.........."wrong verb!"
An estate agent from the Forest of Dean Was known to be terribly mean His clothes they would reek As he'd worn them all week But he was doing his bit to be green
Limerick: Once a pretty Pole psychologist for Ewa Once a pretty Pole psychologist Who preferred fast pedalling cyclist(s) Kept a velo d'apparte* And a Tour de France dart Found trundling Bone-Shaker* merry twist. • Velo d'apparte(ment) = exercise bike • Bone-Shaker = first French bicycle, invented and manufactured by Michaux during the 1860s, whose framework was made of wrought iron and whose wooden wheels were bounded by iron tires. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
(Limerick) The butcher wastes no scrap of meat He counts every part that he meets. Then turns it around And right on the ground. Then hits it hard and wraps it on wheat! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladp2000 Copyright@2014 September, 13, 2014
My shower last Saturday Brought throbbing pain to my day The soap made me slip Got bruised on my hip My ribs might be cracked they say It hurts when I breathe or sneeze Or if you give me a squeeze The good times are gone And so is the fun My life's no longer a breeze The pain is constantly there Even when I comb my hair Hygiene's getting tough So is "other" stuff I've become a hairy bear I wince with the jabbing pain It's sure to drive me insane I can't sit or stand Need a helping hand My bathroom trips are a drain! My ribs reminds me of you For no matter what I do Your smile pokes me here Your touch jabs me there But your pain's sweet.... through and through
In our fair town lives a feller named Hank. He's known as the village drunk to be frank! His guts' so huge its bizarre! He plops his gut on the bar, Sayin' "Fill 'er up, boys! Top off my tank!" Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
Once knew a young filly named Lizette She's really the reason I'm in debt Spent all my money Thought it was funny But I loved how she played my clarinet © Jack Ellison 2013
Limerick : Once a Ticket-Puncher got dead drunk Once a Ticket-Puncher got dead drunk Punched everyone he called « Bloody Skunk ! » Sentenced to punch in ring Minus his wedding ring Now his wife's punched drunk by a starved Monk. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Arrangements of words can exist So limericks end with a twist This jolt to the brain Is the final refrain Of a punch line not to be missed
Limerick: Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo Tried to wiggle her way through Fado Only thing she had on Was a navel button: (Now) Fado mambo-jambo Oporto. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013 Limerick: Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo Tried to wiggle her way through Fado Only thing she had on Was a navel button: Now she wiggles in jelly limbo. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
(Limerick) There once was a very old Princess Who loved to race cars and play chess. She loved to glitter And she wasn't a quitter Till she had a heart attack, more or less. Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 August, 29,2014
A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am thinking of evolution My theory reveals the nature's mystery "It all begins in the sea, our ancestry." Scientists bow in my appreciation. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am a doctor prescribing medication My job is to keep diabetes at bay "Please take this pill twice a day." Patients are full of admiration. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am an actor performing an imitation My act amazes the most critical person "It's elementary, my dear Watson." A deserving Emmy nomination. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am writer requiring direction My book is a thriller 'Vengeance of a charitable killer.' An interesting plot in formation. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am an army officer defending my nation My command evokes my army "Today, we shall crush the enemy." Daring acts of retribution. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am a philosopher seeking a solution My notion predicts the downfall of capitalist mentality "Change we must for eco-friendly sustainability." A guaranteed life time award and recommendation. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am a leader of revolution My speech inspires the people to fight "Brothers and Sisters, it's our birth right." A sea of charged up population. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am building a perfect nation My government is the epitome of socialism "Minister, I see a populace full of optimism." Few steps away from perfection. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am a poet of aspiration My prose is a limerick "Hmm! It rhyme's with 'Blackadder's' 'Baldrick' " It's a poetic exaggeration. A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination Now I am me dreaming about another impersonation My brain needs to stop "Oh God! need no more dreams to pop." Wonder why I always keep dreaming a situation. P.S the soliloquies are in quotes
Limerick : Once Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne Once Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne Called Main-Chain-In-Vain-Gain-Mane-Rain-Van Pulled anchor, lost finger Put in place cucumber Now sucks lost finger to spew news ban. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
My payday's a monthly event But ... 'fore it's here - it's been spent … Search ever' where … Wonderin' where All that money has … went?
Limerick: Once a Meat-Vendor in Mylapur Once a Meat-Vendor in Mylapur* Set up shop (O!) Brahmin virtue pure No hungry customers Knocked past the front shutters Though brisk business raged at rear door. • Brahmin enclave in Chennai, Tamil-Nadu, India. Brahmins were not vegetarians from antiquity. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There once was a girl named Jane Who was considered by some plain But after they'd dated They simply just stated That Jane wasn't plain - just insane
Limerick : Once a lone Sailor who sank wih his ship Once a lone Sailor who sank with his ship Bargained with a Mermaid through her hare-lip She would give him a lift If he'd give her a gift That's how mermaids got to wear haïr-clip. OR That's how mermaids got second hare-lip. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There was a girl named Caledonia Who would often state, I will phone ya She met a man called Fred Who did ring her instead And she simply said, guess I owe ya Author's Comments : Fred knew his line was not dead so he called around to see what Miss Caledonia was putting down... A limerick is a five-line, often humorous and ribald poem with a strict meter. Lines 1, 2, and 5 of have seven to ten syllables (three metrical feet) and rhyme with one another. Lines 3 and 4 have five to seven (two metrical feet) syllables and also rhyme with each other. The rhyme scheme is usually "A-A-B-B-A". Adell Foster Copyright 2007 © Adell1
While gazing down from the Rockefeller Tower My girlfriend and I soon began to glower While surveying Central Park we then thought How much could we get for it if we bought Trying to figure that out took over an hour
There once was a girl named Laurie Who soon became a love quarry But with not enough time To ring her sweet chime She wanted to live out a story
'T was a young lass name of "Muffet" Who always sat on her tuffet - But was rough as a board - All scarred and scored Cause men kept trying to fluff it.
Used car salesman didn't blink: "None better!" said he with-a-wink - With the hood open wide - I'm seein' inside: Said: "Be better with an engine … don't cha' think?"
Bald Fred Dr. James E. Martin ©March, 2014 They simply called him Fred. He had not a hair on his head. He was bald as a ball From the bowling mall But not quite as round it was said.
There was a plumber from South Vernal Who collected plumbing items supernal. He loved them greatly With devotion saintly And slept every night with a urinal.
Limerick : Once a Bengal Tigress supped on a Goat Once a Bengal Tigress supped on a Goat The horns – pardon – got stuck in her throat A Dentist pulled one out The other by a Scout Now – sad to say – Both made her bloat. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
I thought sewing would not be a hit But who would ever have known that it Could make you smarter So for a starter I decided that I would knit wit November 17, 2014
I sat next to the Duchess at tea. It was worse than I thought would be. A bee sat on her nose The Duchess turn'd verbose When it stung her right there but not me. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp200 Copyright@2014 October.21.2014
A UFO flew over Lake Erie And really blew Air Force theory. For it towed a large sign That was flashing this line, We borrowed a cow from O'Leary.
A hot opportunity knocks Buy and sell incoming space rocks We love asteroids But are covered by Lloyds In case our own blocks suffer shocks
Limerick : Once a lovely Lady caught in her shower Once lovely Lady caught in shower With broken pipe and gushing water Ran out to buy new pipe Forgot the soap to wipe Now waits for rain to come over her. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
a spermatozoa competition for there is an ovum to won so they race to fertilize and fight until they're left only one
There was a girl by name of Charlotte Whom some thought of as a harlot But she was petite And so very sweet She never got the Letter of Scarlet
Limerick : Once a Viscountess in a mess Once a Viscountess in a mess Tried in vain to extricate dress With Dwarf in the middle And Duke in the fiddle So she swung from swing to undress. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
(Limerick) Batman and Robin sped to their car But the Joker outran them by far Joker got in it But he didn't fit Then yelled" Guess have to throw my guitar!" Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 09.16.2014
First Date Dr. James E. Martin ©March, 2014 My date that I call the first Is probably the one that was worst. I was shy as could be, Nothing good could she see, I should have been better versed!
There once was a girl named Dana Who wasn't from old Savannah She'd lived in Texas Till she and her nexus Moved east to Louisiana
There once was a lady from France Who sometimes would prancingly dance. One day, it is said. She fell on her head. By chance, she now lives in a trance. Written for Poetry Soup Member Contest: Limericks Clean and Clever - Poetry Contest Sponsor Roy Jerden November 22, 2014
(Limerick) A fellow was pleased with a sale Till noticed the boat was missing a sail He was very sad And got so mad He hit the man who did the SALE with a NAIL! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 September, 8, 2014
My wife she says that at housework I suck, She yelled "pick up a broom you schmuck!" But babe, all that cleanin and dustin Leaves no time for drinkin and lustin! But she said "no dustin, no lustin!"...WTF!
In the Land O' Scots nigh auld Iverness, Cavorts a lass named Nessie in Loch Ness! Is this sly dragon fer real, Er jes' an overgrown eel? We'll never know fer sure is my guess! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
Mozart composed the Jazz of his day, Bach could Rock in the same way, Music is music, Melodies mimic, Young tunes turn classical fogies' heads gray.
Limerick : Once a rich Janitress rode on a broom Once a rich Janitress rode on a broom From cheek to jowl her looks spelt dire doom She thought she owned the world And the world owed her gold So she chewed gold and lost gums and bloom. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There once was a thief from Chile Who liked to drink milk with a lilly. Well the judge was aghast When examining his past, But decided he was just silly.
Limerick: Once a lolling lassie from Laredo Once a lolling lassie from Laredo Jumped on a bronco to enter a rodeo But the steed fell in love With the curve of her alcove And sped away on a honeymoon to Mejico. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Well tickle my fancy wherever that is An excellent question for a Jeopardy quiz They say it's below... THAT'S IT... WELL HELLO! Methinks you've found it, you're quite a whiz! © Jack Ellison 2013
~*~ ~~**~~ there once was a girl that lived in Brussels she married a man now they're the Russel's she was kind of a geek he was more than weak she with no brains him without muscles ~~**~~ ~*~ November, 14, 2014
McNeer couldn't take it no mo' By rope-in-tree he would go - Nerve's gone I fear - It's been near a year (He's waitin' for the saplin' to grow!)
(Limerick) The other day met a man called Bill He just did lots of things for a thrill Got legs up in the air Till along came a bear He hit his head and rolled down the hill. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2012 September, 24,2014
Limerick: Once the Yogi of Himalaya or the laughing gas Yogi I Once the Yogi of Himalaya Preached laughing loud with Prânâyâma* They thought him immortal Put him on pedestal Now he's the toast of lost Gondwana. II Once the same Yogi Himalaya Taught laughing during Prânâyâma* Lungs stuck to diaphragm Voice: phonocardiogram Now he's part of iced Fujiyama. • Sanskrit for the art of breathing in yogic practices: • prânâ = (cosmic) energy; âyâma = vitality. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There once was a girl named Cheryl Who always seemed in deep peril She would call out a lot Till what she wanted she got And her boyfriend ended up sterile
A fellow got into a fix Trying to teach his dog some new tricks His canine named Rover Refused to roll over And seemed totally blind to thrown sticks
It's Saturday Night Fever, "Staying Alive" Do not dare do the jive near beehive His white trousers so tight Nothing can see the light My natural drive giving a 'high five' Who remembers this movie and the dance moves? And that hair on Trevolta! Close to the beehive hairdos that the women sported a few decades ago....lol Inspired by Karen Anglesey's "Jive in a Beehive"...
I'd love to sing proud and sing loud But I'm embarrassed I might draw a crowd So in public I'm dour Though I sing in the shower It's the only time singing loud is allowed Posted on my blog with an illustration - which you can see here- http://tap-p.com/2014/08/15/singing-in-the-shower/
A Rhyme about Ties How many ties does a man need In fashion to be up to speed? I really haven't got a clue Would you say about sixty two? Tie Limerick His ties number sixty two Now here's what I'm going to do I'll snip off each end Drive him round the bend I'd do that, now how 'bout you? Each tie rack I have arranged I tell you I'm quiet deranged But this I must say I'll use them for play Or else I will be estranged He cuts a figure so fine This crazy husband of mine So I'll just shut up Drink this bitter cup For in a suit he's sublime Eileen Manassian Ghali
There was a great Chief named Many Papoose, Who with many brave's squaws played fast 'n' loose! When in battle the Chief died, The Chief's tribe was well supplied, With many papoose since he was profuse! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
Hole in the Shoe Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 In the bottom of the shoe was a hole. It consumed most of the sole. It wouldn't have been bad, If no holes his socks had, Dirty feet are not the desired role.
There once was a man named Quentin Who rhymed with things that were lent, 'n' Then once in a while He'd rhyme with a smile 'N' put stuff he really hadn't meant in!
Limerick: Once a mum Mademoiselle rode in a Metro for Heather M. Once (a) mum Mademoiselle rode in (a) Metro Felt snug and dozed dreaming of Brando Lights went out, the train stopped Coach temperature dropped She woke up in arms of Eskimo. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
I once heard a knock at my door And there was a crow repeating "No more" I was so taken aback I hit him with a rack And sent him crashing right on the floor! September,3,2014
SAMSON 2 Samson killed a thousand men With the jawbone of an ass There was no other man alive In mighty Samson's class But his strength departed from him After all was done and said Because a lady named Delilah Shaved mighty Samson's head Curtis Moorman 1 September 2014
The Red Head Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 She considers herself a red. Who knows the color of her head? Many dyes she'd used, Her follicles abused, Was she really a blonde instead?
Bill And Monica - Limerick There once was a girl called Monica Bill played her like a harmonica Placed cigars in her rear News said that was queer Both caught on surveillance electronica
Twas the week before Christmas, And all through Wyoming. I was looking for another way, To greet all my homies. I in my jacket. Ma, in sub-zero, We drove to the local sandwich shop, For a hot melted hero. Two for the road, I exclaimed to the gal. Make it snappy, Before Ma gives me hell. We were back on the road. Quicker than quick, Then Ma yelled, STOP! They forgot the Garlic. So back to shop, We rushed right away. Only to find, They done closed for the day. Well, need be I say, Ma was more than a little upset. So she wrote "You A$$H@les" on the window, With her hot melted wreck. I watched Ma kicking and screaming, as the officers dragged her away. So I waved and I shouted, "They say you'll get out, on New Year's day. Guess you won't be needing that Christmas present? I'll exchange it for ya. Love ya Ma."
There was once a lady called Ms Jack Who lived near a grass region called Tack. When prickled by the grasses On her way with her glasses. She let down her glasses and her Jack. For Andrea's "Show Me The Funny" Contest.
There's a lady that lives at the corner She reminds me of little Jack Horner She sticks in her thumb Right away starts to hum Suddenly the room gets a lot warmer © Jack Ellison 2013
There once was a doctor from Perth Who wanted to leave planet earth. For his nurse did inject And dietetically wreck A heavyweight champion's girth.
Limerick: Once an elegant Earl from Eton Once an elegant Earl from Eton Daily dreamed of swinging with Tarzan In Brazil learned samba Married virile cougar Now sells D.V.D.s on Amazon. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013.
"Super Golfer" "Limerick" There was a weird Dictator around. When he played eighteen holes of golf round aides clasped ball with toes and put it in holes. He scored "three hole-in-ones". What a clown. 03/24/2013.
She was a strip dancer named Shuga Shoes, Who did gigs in a pub in Newport News. 'Twas well-known she liked the sauce, Which did not amuse the boss! Of jobs she was stripped and now sings the blues! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
A first internet date with a stranger, Proved to be a flirtation with danger, Said the girl to her shrink, As her hand stroked her mink, 'I guess I wasn't born in a manger!' Brian Johnston August 24, 2014
Limerick : Once a Pathan paid for a brandy Once a Pathan paid for a brandy While in the company of (a) Dandy Dandy was all so gay He squealed like a blue jay While Pathan jumped up on his bounty. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Limerick : Once a shocking Norseman crowned Viking Once a shocking Norseman crowned Viking Took his flaxen men on an ice outing They lusted for fat Finns Knocked walrus and dolphins Why Arctic now with Vi-wal-phins seething. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There's a plump man they call The Blimp Who recently started to limp Though each day without fail He'd eat a whole whale So I proposed that he switch to shrimp
Limerick: Once an Anchor Woman at Sea Anne-Anne Once an Anchor Woman at Sea Anne-Anne Interviewed OFPRA* doing Can-Can She said: Will you? OF said: You, too! And they rowed off in a rude bed-pan. • Office français pour la Protection des réfugiés et d'apatrides (French Office for the Protection of Refugees and Stateless Persons) © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
I know a bird who sways and swings He jumps and kicks and flaps his wings He cannot fly in stormy weather He cannot strut his fluffy feathers So instead he sits and sings.
Humpty-Dumpty sat on the wall and gambled, That if he fell his yolk would not be scrambled. Yet when he fell, He cracked his shell. Alas, no way he could be reassembled!
There once was a man named Bond Who loved brunettes, redheads and blonde Till one came, and just say "Mr. Bond, this is for you" And she killed him, right there by the pond! Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 October,5,2014
No matter a man's call or profession He must use all the proper protection Ask the zookeeper why For he lost his left eye When the elephant got an erection Made for Bawdy Poetry II Contest on 6/29/14
Limerick : Once a Toro loved by a Matador Once a Toro* loved by a Matador* Maimed between shoulders by Picador* Matador garrocha* Picador muchacha* Picador cornudo* Matador. *Toro : bull raised for fighting in arenas (rings) *Matador : « matador de toros », bullfighter ; usually the head « torero », title obtained after the « alternativa », ceremony honoring the torero or « novillero », the apprentice bullfighter *Picador : the well-protected assistant to the matador on horseback who wounds the toro between the shoulders in order to cause the bull to hang its head *garrocha/garrochar : (to use) the long lance with a metallic harpoon-like head , wielded by the Picador *muchacha : Spanish for girl or « daughter » as in this case *cornudo : cuckolded (husband gored) © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
(Limerick) There once was an owl named Argonne That read a lot of King Arthur and Avalon Of Merlin & the sword of Power Of Camelot, and all the square Knights, who sat 'round when Art call'd upon! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 10.4.2014
Overheard by a fly upon the wall, During Clinton's tete-a-tete with his moll, "Order extra salami And a tad more pastrami, For my pizza on your next service call!" Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) All Rights Reserved
The coven of witches heard a loud knock. Who is it? Shout'd a voice behind the cloak. " It is me said Poe The one that you know" And everyone chant'd "Nevermore" with a mock! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright2014 September,25,2014
Limerick : Once a sick Sikh in a great hurry Once a sick Sikh in a great hurry Went to see a doctor after (a) hot curry He hurried back mid-way You know why so don't bray Now (he) sees doctors only when merry. or Since (he) sees doctors under a lorry or Now he sees proctors I'm so sorry. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
Limerick: Once a gorgeous Geisha in Kyoto Once a gorgeous Geisha in Kyoto Took (a) Cowboy to see crisp kimono Ai ! took time to unfold Lo ! Behold ! Body cold ! Pistol fired: one two finito ! © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
(Limerick) There was a man called Dorian Gray Who tried hard not to get old and gray So a swap he just did Portrait wrinkles did rid Till his rotten flesh ate it away. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2011 September,10, 2014
The Nap Dr. James E. Martin ©March, 2014 He determined to take a nap. His peers called him a sap. He laid on the floor, And started to snore, It didn't take long to adapt.
(Limerick) By now, the crowd was cheering while some of them were leering looking at the treaters pushing at the streeters that were from the trees swingin' Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 October.2.2014
(Limerick) A rich guy who often sail run out of luck His brand new beautiful boat got stuck It can't go anywhere But who's to care? This guy is a jerk and he really suck! Dorian Petrsen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 September,28,2014
Tom took a day off for golf to play His game should have been simpler croquet Bruised head and scraped knees His cart like swiss cheese Wrecks on the nine, decides game's risque Inspired by Craig Cornish's Contest Not an entry..... Written: April 1, 2013
I met a man in the alley who looked a little old When he saw me approach, He yelled, "you stupid cockroach!" I was a little shaken I thought he was mistaken; I told him my name But all was in vain. He came running towards me like hell And on the ground I fell, When I got up He threatened to take me to jail I stood there in shock; I couldn't even talk, And in between all this, he asked, "Are you a hen or a cock?" I looked at him with puzzled eyes, And he said I resembled wood lice, I lost my temper and yelled at him; He smiled as if I had said something nice. Now I had grown much irritated, So I no longer hesitated But as I walked away, He exclaimed, "What a pleasant day!"
There was a farm hand named Tommy Totem Who went out to the garden and hoe'd 'em But that implement Was useless since bent So he used the tool next to his scrotum For Bawdy Limerick two contest July 1, 2014
Boy and His Scooter Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 The scooter scooted along As he sang his favorite song. He hit a big bump, And took quite a lump, On the scooter he does not belong!
When the apple dropped on Sir Newton's bean, He cursed naughty words making quite a scene! He was somewhat placated, When to him 'twas related, He'd found gravity, wholly unforeseen! Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (c) 2015 All Rights Reserved
Short Trip Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 His body got ahead of his feet. The ground and his head did meet. It raised a huge bump, His parcels he did drop, This act he hoped he'd not repeat!
(Limerick) There once was a woman named Flo Who did it by the way that you know She had a long nose And alligators in tow Who ate her nose and each of her toes! Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 September,07,2014
Way Too Smart Dr. James E. Martin I'm really way too smart. Words come from the heart. Words I don' know, My brilliance I show, Many years ago this smartness did start!
Limerick : Once a Grand Duke in Londonderry Once a Grand Duke in Londonderry Thought he could run his own Grand Duchy So he slammed door on Queen Gave full vent to his spleen Now he's left with trillion debt treasury. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
There was a man of unsurpassed charm Who never wanted a lady to harm Valentine card wished to buy His "unique" love, not make cry Thus cards, for a dozen girls, bought the bum! © Demetrios Trifiatis 13 FEBRUARY 2015
Stuck in the Mud Dr. James E. Martin ©March, 2014 The wheels continue to spin, My patience is growing thin. So here I sit, Having a bit of a fit, Not going where I sometimes have been.
A poor lad once got VD Found it hard trying to pee Tied a bow in his dick This lad wasn't so thick He can't infect you or me
There once was a gigantic mountain That used to cave out on its molten The last time Heir visits Mountain Nock got digits And walked on fauna's realm to sustain 17/06/2014
He sported a new hickey I thought it rather icky Right there on his neck It made me a wreck To kill that girl is tricky Perhaps that is too dire Will fight fire with fire I'll plaster her lips And wiggle my hips* Known to ignite desire Revenge, they say can be sweet Mine, a delectable treat Full body hickey Wasn't too tricky Now, MY poor boy she won't greet! *Reference to belly dance For Heather Ober's Make me Laugh Contest July 2, 2013
ESSENCE OF LIMERICK Funny spicy squashy swishy kitty kitten beauty bold Susie Moosie silky milky fickle trickle stories told Spoony Fanny frost of fire Croony Lanny ghosts of a spire Cream a dream a seam a skim the creepy choppy rolls are rolled © RAJAT KANTI CHAKRABARTY 12/04/2014
A jar of olives in brine…?... Add zinger or a puncline, Let your juicy thoughts trickle, Let your tangy wit tickle. The title too must be fine.
( Limerick) A big bird from Cantoon could not fly With his wings spread open he perch'd high But the branch then just broke Fell and it wasn't a joke Thought that he was dead and start'd to cry! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 10.4.2014
(Limerick ) His beard was as white as pure snow And look'd like the Santa that you all know He washes it with rice And keeps it so nice And each day rubs it hard to make grow! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright2014 September, 8, 2014
There was an old man with no shoes Who liked watching the news When he was shouting And also demanding "Just go, and get me more booze! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 September.21.2014
(Limerick} The Circle of witches all heard a loud knock "Come in!" Said a voice behind a big rock But it wasn't "the Raven" And sure wasn't a Haven So all run out just wearin' socks and no frock! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 September 10, 2014
(Limerick) There was an old fellow from Pinner Whose daughter ate lots of lunch and dinner. Then woke up one day Very obese by the way. And now she's so fat and not thinner! Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 September,1,2014
Rolling Stone If rolling stones gather no moss Would rockers ever lose their gloss? Would he still strut his stuff? or would it be all bluff when Jagger looks like candy floss? 16.11.14
The celery is starting to droop, The chickens have all flown the coop The broth is tasting quite bland, The carrots need a hand, Come on let's add some spice to the soup! Stick in your slotted or wooden spoon, Let's heat this up, morning, night or noon, We can be wild we can be fun, All my friends, you are number one, Take a taste of our shared soup real soon. Add some flakes of laughing potion, Mix it up with a stirring motion, Lets see all the souper smile, Humor is a happy style, Wow me with your poetic devotion!
Limerick : Once a Privy Counsellor at Lord's Once a Privy Counsellor at Lord's* Watched a bowler* throw balls like gourds Convened judicial com.* Summoned bowler to come And sentenced him to eat bitter gourds. Lord's : The Mecca of cricket grounds in London where the Marylebone Cricket Club has its seat. bowler : The player who lances the ball at the batsman ; yet during the act the elbow must not be bent – at the risk of being called by the Umpire a « no ball « , that is, even if the ball hits the wickets and the bails are dislodged, the batsman is not given « out.». *Judicial Com(mittee) of the Privy Council, the highest Court of Appeal in England (and the former British territories) until the Supreme Court was set up in 2010 to hear some appeals. The Privy Counsellor/Councillor is a Member of the House of Lords and a judge. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
(Limerick) A certain actress lost it all to a man Who she thought was a great handyman To have him around But was so astound When he left her and moved to Japan! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 09.16.2014
I have seen my alarm clock die I have watched the present go by Been waiting for years Through blood, sweat, and tears Wanting to see if time can fly 11/16/2014 For Limericks Clean and Clever Contest
All other than serious verse, bogus; He doesn't believe in any hocus- pocus. Ideals! He'd never drop; But see the funny flip- flop, Finally, limerick is his focus.
This little verse Could be much worse: Could have a word You've never heard Could make you curse....
While waiting for my ride beside the road My driver arrived in time to behold A car hit slush to soak me Eyes to feet, wet as could be. Tears ran from his eyes when this tale he told. My co-workers heard this humorous tale As with such mirth this story he'd regale. I received no sympathy For events that befell me. The driver that soaked me should be in jail. The melting snow is a thing to be feared. Witnesses say that the evil car veered On purpose, hitting the slush Just to watch my cold face flush. I can't wait until this weather has cleared.
Who entered a pub for a round? A rabbi with frog quite renowned The bar tender, Pat Asked, "Where did you get that?" "In Brooklyn!" said the frog, "That's where they're found!"
[Limerick Sequence] There's a sparkle of glee in his eyes when he catches a glimpse of my size; he scoots my way to make his play, but I throw him a look to demise. My soft body lures him as a flame and he hopes all demurrals will tame. His move is quick, his line is slick in maneuvers to stake his claim. His façade is quite handsome and bold as he reaches with strong bands to hold. He dare not miss with his first kiss as my lips draw a line tight and cold. But in lust I succumb to his will; his embrace zaps my nerve-ends a thrill. He pulls me in his feathered den, sinks tentacles deep to drink his fill.
It's the first of November in the mall And Christmas decorations deck the hall. Tinsel and glitter abound, The Christmas carols resound And we haven't even gotten through fall. Now Christmas has a season all it's own And shopping makes you weary to the bone. It's not a one day event With happy family spent, And for their lists, you'll likely need a loan. By the time you finally get it done You'll be too tired to have any fun. If you get through Christmas Day It's the next day you can play, By returning your gifts for better ones. for Carolyn's Commercialized Holiday Humor contest (Merry friggin' ho ho is something the girls and I say to each other when we are being sarcastic or cynical over the holidays, we only mean it in a humorous way, please don't take offense)
Stuck Truck Dr. James E. Martin ©January, 2014 My truck is stuck in the mud. It bottomed out with a thud. So here I sit, Pitching a fit, This trip was surely a dud!
(Limerick) There was a young girl from Bulgaria, She was so funny, that went into hysteria, After she heard a joke, Laugh'd so hard, under an oak, And then peed, right there in the same area. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2007 September.10.2014
A two-timer cheater from New York town Who just enjoys so much to go down Stocks tires and his likes He owns cars and a pink bike And he uses them when does it all down! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 September, 8, 2014
Limerick : Once an anti-Academic doctor Once an anti-Academic doctor Prescribed poison for ailing professor Prof gave powder to wife Wife sold it to mid-wife Who mixed it in husband doctor's dinner. ©= T. Wignesan – Paris, 2014
Limerick: Once Steppes Chief Mongol in a loose hose Once Steppes Chief Mongol in a loose hose Tried to jump Great Wall with horse and Rose Horse kicked hole in hose goal Chief bored hole in the Wall Guess who licked Rose red-in-the-nose? © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013 MERRY XMAS to ALL Soupers !
If you haven't yet met mister All, he's a renowned world traveler. He's in every port, postulates for sport; a self-proclaimed mysteries unraveler. Doubtless you know mister All, any space becomes his dominion. His view never bends, as he loudly contends, everyone must accept his opinion. Surely you've suffered mister All, he's every man's familiar relation. He's anxious to show it, his first name is Know-it; he dominates every conversation.
Limerick: Once a randy Rajah from Ratnapoor Once a randy Rajah from Ratnapoor Stole into his harem to take a tour Eunuchs were most occupied With Ranis left untied So he cut their heads off to seal the door. © T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013
(Limerick) The Poet just got stuck with a rhyme Something he could use nice and sublime But nothing came out So he started to shout This is not worth any more of my time! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright2014 September.13.2014
There once was a girl on the levee Who by anyone's judgment was heavy She tried to get here By crossing the pier But ended up crushing the Chevy
There once was a buff metal coil whose gal was aluminum foil. She was his sunshine. He sprang for the wine, all's swell 'till they run out of oil.
My friend, the judge, made this disclaimer Since she worked with beasts, who could blame her "In there it's too rough So I've had enough. I'm done being a ly'in tamer!"
A sex mad codger named Bill Swallowed a Viagra pill His todger did rise – You should see the size It sure gave his wife a thrill By: Jan A vibrant hotter named Minnie Patted a walloped big weenie Her passion did rise You should hear the cries, Go for it, go for it…..Bill! By: Mystic
There was this dude named Willy Who loved to wear frocks so frilly: One day in the clover He told me to bend over... But my name is Billy - not Silly!
A fellow would frequently sprawl Didn't mind where or if he did crawl All over a place Or on his head or face Till one day crashed and hit the wall! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 September, 8, 2014
There once was a gent named Springtime Ned Who on that March morning sprang from his bed In amazement and shock He forgot to set his clock Now with his boss on thin water he'll tread
She's doing my head in; I'm at my wits end I reckon she's losing the plot Her tempers are fierce and her moods have no trend And I'm struggling to deal with the way that she's got She gives me no warning of what is in store And erupts at the drop of a hat I've stopped trying to find out what is wrong anymore Why she finds fault in this and in that My once gentle darling is now snapping and snarling And all that I do is still wrong Being caring and loving, reassuring and giving Brings even more spite from her tongue This female behaviour that causes such stress (That in men would be labelled 'Quite Mad') Has no rhyming or reason but when it's in season PMT wears us blokes down a tad Who else would she pick on to let it all out? As the pressure builds up with such force Well I've had enough; I'm not taking her 'Stuff'! So I've gone 'til the 'Curse' runs its course.
I got on a jet, and flew to L.A. Only to find. I'd have a bad day. My monitor was cracked. My laptop a mess. That's when I decided. To pull off my dress. Now I was naked. With no underwear. All I could do. While the boss gave a stare. That's when I decided. To quit my day job. I was no teacher's pet. On the tootie fruity internet.. Funny Poem by Kim Robin Edwards Copyright 2009,2015..All rights reserved.
An old man whose surname was Hughes, Was excessively fond of his booze, Fell in a Maker's Mark vat, All they found was his hat, 'Twas a death Hughes, no doubt, would choose.
Evangeline wrote on a pink page in her diary She was up-knocked by a comely priest from the priory. Scandal ensued, Parents unglued. Now they're up-locked and defrocked after a friary inquiry.
There once was a girl named Bo Her dad did not like her beau So one day they eloped But Bo's dad dashed their hope He sprang from behind with bolo! *bolo - noun, a large, heavy, single-edged knife or machete for hacking, used in the Philippines and by the U.S. Army CONTEST : SPRING FORWARD SPONSOR : DEBBIE GUZZI 05 March 2015
Vaccines are all carefully made To fight what should make us afraid Some hate the syringe And now they should cringe As hosts the bad germs could invade
There was a man named Round-About Pete Who never walked beyond his own street Coz when he tried to go He'd walk a large O Since he was born with two right feet
That's No Bull By Tom Wright There once was a man from the grange, Who felt right at home on the range? The doggies kept growing, And cash flow kept flowing. Now he's listed on a stock exc
Playing the Game, The Early Years For Hillary (Clinton) and Vlad The Impaler AKA Putin In the early years, they were together so much I thought they were sh*gging Perhaps Hillary thought her day had come And it was she who could now do the bragging "Bill you're an amateur, a pussy, a jerk I told you your arrangement with that cheap intern wouldn't work But look at me now no pearls, short hair and a power suit By the way Vlad, he says you're a total fruit" "You're old and tired and you have white hair But I go to the Kremlin To f*ck the Emperor of Russia in the bare He even buys me expensive underwear" But in the world of Putin nothing is what is seems We will never really know what is going on until he leaves But why did she make him seem all shiny, legitimate and new Because Hillary has helped Putin to f*ck both her and all of us too. Cheers Hil....