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OMG!!! I'm About to Go Insane!!!
I am so glad that I found this sight. I thought I was going crazy for the feelings that I was feeling towards my soon-to-be stepdaughter. Before you read, please do not judge me. I need advice and hopefully will be able to get some help on this issue. Here's my story.
My soon-to-be stepdaughter drives me crazy. I think it's partially her dad's fault, too. Well, I have a 6 year old son, Marlon, and my fiance's daughter is, Alisa, who is 7. My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years now. The first year was great with the kids. We all bonded effortlessly. We have Alisa every weekend and throughout the summer. When we do have her, she is a pain in my behind!! She whines and cries about EVERYTHING!!!! She calls adults fat to their face even though she is overweight herself. My fiance and I had talked to her numerous times about calling people names, but she still does it and my fiance does NOTHING to correct the problem. She lies so much and I have caught her in so many lies, too. Her dad puts her on this pettistool and does nothing to punish her when it's needed. He always tells me that he will talk to her, but never does. She gets away with EVERYTHING, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY SON, OOOOHHHHH NNNNOOOOOO, MY FIANCE IS ON HIS BUTT RIGHT AWAY. Anyway, Alisa is 95lbs. so far. She is constantly out of energy, so when we go out, she is always complaining and whinning because SHE is tired. She doesn't care that everyone else is enjoying themselves. My fiance always has to cut things short BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT OR SHE IS TIRED. My son just had a tonsillectomy and adnoidectomy. She cried for so long just because Marlon got to eat popsicles and she didn't. She is ALWAYS in competition with Marlon and with me. She always has to have Daddy's attention no matter what. I can't stand the crying, the whinning, the babyness anymore!!!! I hate to say it, but my skin crawls the very sight of her. My anger goes through the roof at the very sound of her voice. I don't want to be like this. I want to bond with her like she is my own daughter, but how do I get past all the anger that has been built for so long???? I honestly think that she is the reason I get out of the relationship.
I am not against step mothers, nor step kids, really, I think in an ideal world, EVERYONE wants to get along, and I can appreciate that.
Step kids are coddled after a divorce, they are excused from very bad behavior, they are treated like "victims" and everyone feels sorry for them. Step kids in return, take FULL advantage and try to reap the benefits, often becoming demanding and possessive.
I have a step daughter. All the above is true. Her paternal grandparents live near her, and so they voraciously coddle her. They give her whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and rarely question her.
I have dealt with this issue first hand. It sucks. The kid's behavior sucks. I for one,hate being blamed for something I did NOT do. I know she blames me for things I was not even here for, like the divorce.
Her parent's divorce was due to her mother's infidelity. Three years into their marriage, she cheated and got pregnant by some other guy. When the divorce came, the kid moved away with mom back to their home town. my husband stayed put and became successful: studied hard, got his master's degree, started his own business and remained in a high paying engineering firm.
Enough to say that the mother held on to false hope that they would get together again, given to his very generous gifts. He bought the mother a nice used car, but he did it to help out his kid who he felt was in danger when walking home from school. He NEVER wanted the mother back, made it clear and even announced it to the kid and the mother at the same time. But I guess, the mother was more interested in the money he was making.
I met him almost four years after his divorce. I thought he was the most sensitive stable guy, very different from many men. We got married a year later. I met his father before we got married , who seemed wonderful, and met the rest after the honeymoon.
The kid was a pain front he very beginning: spoiled princess, selfish. No one seemed to notice her rude behavior. It was just like I had been sleeping in a deep wonderful sleep and was awakened by a horrible shriek. My own father in law changed, became very protective or this little brat. Please keep in mind that I was polite, and kind, I don't know where all the hostility came from. I told my husband, I was not trying to hurt anyone, and this daughter is acting like a victim, when no one is hurting her. She played her cards well, and I was caught unguarded.
Four years later, The ONLY reason I stayed is that my husband is wary and focused on the behavioral issues that his now teenage daughter is displaying, the manipulation, the sheer interest in money and gifts, behavior learned from her mother. If he had been a LAZY father, I would have left the first year.
The first couple of years were hard. My husband found it difficult to understand how I could NOT love his spoiled brat, how could I become disengaged and even not care. This all was due to his lack of parenting and his meddlesome parents, sisters and ex wife. I decided early on that I would not invest emotionally into the bull that this little girl was encouraged to cause. She wanted the friction, but I was not going to supply the attention. My own father in law question my lack of love toward her, I told him, that when she was ready, she could seek me out and talk to me, otherwise please DO NOT force her to do anything. I was not going to be obligated as well.
My husband had a hard time seeing his family's encouragement of negative behavior and extreme coddling. His sister who overtook much of the child care for his brat has spoiled children, one whom punched me in the breast. He was six years old and his mother said nothing. He is finally able to see the damage the family has caused by feeling sorry for his daughter. His sister is now divorcing, because her husband is sick of her coddling his kids. I asked my husband if that's what he wants. He changed his behavior dramatically after that.
He now asks his daughter NOT to interrupt when I am talking, she did that in such a blatant way, on purpose. He asked her NOT to stare at me when I am eating, she did that to, constantly staring, trying to find fault in me. He told her the truth behind the divorce and that we met year later, and that we share similar moral beliefs and that she should wish to find someone like me when she grows up. He told her that I am his wife and she will respect me. He has stepped up, but it took time, and a lot of patience from my end, to finally get there. She still walks 20 steps ahead of us when we are holding hands, she still looks for ways to hog up her dad's time, even when I have stepped aside for them to go out together alone, she tries even harder now that I am pregnant.
ALWAYS wants to go shopping and spend her dad's money. Demands to use her father's cell phone to call her mother, when she has her own cell phone that she can use. It is not perfect, but, we have made progress.
To those who can see a twinge of change and your partner seems to somewhat understand, don't give up, if there is some hope, he or she (harder with mothers of brats) might fully understand one day. Have plenty of patience and learn to lose some battles. To those who do not see any change, after more than three years and it seems that the manipulation is getting worse with no hope, please seek help, if it is not enough and your partner simply just does not care, move on. Your sanity is more valuable.
I also feel the same way. My husband has twin 6 year old boys and he never punishes them for anything. He just tells me I'm being mean. Glad to find this sight
Oh man I hear ya, I think you have got to be the heavy here, unfortunately. If your hubby won't pull the trigger next time she acts like a brat do the same as what your husband does to your child. I know it will create a stressful situation in the house but you have the ability to make her a better person. Do it know before she becomes the worst teenager ever. (it will be a thousand times worse). Talk to a marriage counsellor too maybe. If he wants you to love her and treat her as your own you need to be a united front that agree on punishments for her with NO wavering (not in front of her anyway) otherwise she will always try to pit you against eachother. She has to understand that you have equal authority in your home as her dad. Which is a shame because getting a kid to change is hard but getting an adult to change is harder. Good luck, I hope your hubby can see through it.
Thing is if you older say in your 30's most men have baggage, and if they don't you wonder what's wrong with them!
All I can say is, I tell myself everyday I'm not her mother, she has one of those, and recently I have decided I'm not doing all the extra running round after her. Ask your dad or mum. My SD makes me feel the same as everyone else, she's 14 so looks like I could have a few more years of this crap, going by your posts... Oh happy days..... Please someone post so good coping strategies !
Wow! 95 lbs at the age of 7? Her mother must have been feeding her crap too. That was in 2008, I guess. What's she like now? Are you still with the guy? How much do you weigh, anyway? I bet you eat frozen pizzas and other fast food things every day because you're too lazy to cook, in my opinion. Look lady, I have a step daughter myself, she lives with us since she was 4, she's 14 now. She's not overweight, not mad in her teens, she's just fine. But we cook proper foods every day, help her with the homework when necessary, talk, do things together, this kind of stuff. Hope Marlon's fine and not overweight and ratty by now...
Wow - I have never felt so un-alone! My sd did exactly as above - smooth sailing till about 12 1/2. Her mom was a royal ***** for the first 9 years, then as soon as she started to mellow, the daughter took over the "manipulation" torch. I am surprised to hear the men having issues w/ sd - thanks for opening my eyes. I too feel I cannot leave because of my (our) beloved 7yr old daughter. I am sorry and resentful that I invested the last 12 years in trying to be a good stepmother, and fostering a relationship between by daughter & her 1/2 sister - mistake & waste of time! I thought things would be better when sd moved in with her mother full-time (due to not being able to follow some basic house rules), but no, now my daughter is feeling rejected and abandoned by her sister, who apparently was just pretending to like her. Spends about an hour a month with her now - just left out of her life. And dad, acts like nothing has changed. The brat left because we expect her to be honest with us (mom supports her lying to us), and is spreading a sob story to my husbands family (passive dormats) that she was told to leave because I hate her. Well now I do. My husband used to say I was soo sweet, & nice. After 12 years of this **** (started at 28), I am now a hardened *****. How can I scrape this crust off & be the nice person I used to? This isn't fair that I gave my best years to sd, and my daughter gets a worn out, bitter, angry old lady!!!! I turn 40 next year.
I haven't read all the stories here so I don't know if there are any stories with it being tha man who is disrespected. I am a 55 yr old man and met up with my high school sweetheart a few years ago. I sold my farm in Ohio and moved to Texas and married her. My wife had children later in life after a military career. Her daughters are 14 & 16. The 14 year old has always embraced me and accepts us as a family. The 16 year old, whom I will call Cindy for name sake, is totally opposite. From the moment Cindy realized that I was a permanent fixture in her mom's life she has gone out of her way to disrespect me. She knows I can't stand it. Many, many times Cindy has become a litteral, physical wedge between her mom and me. Her mom says Cindy may not even realize she'd doing it. I beg to differ. Just last night when I got home I took one step from the kitchen to the family room so I could set on the couch and Cindy took three large throw pillows and tossed them on the end she knew I was going to set down on. Then, she proceeded to stretch out across the couch. She has done this to me twice this week alone. Tonight, she was sound asleep within minutes. If I do get the chance to set on the couch and by chance dose off she or her mom will tell me to go to bed. When Cindy does it and I say something to my wife she just looks at me and smiles. Her mom has done many things thru-out Cindy's life that she is capable of doing herself. But, my wife has told me she does them herself to avoid the attitude and arguement from Cindy. Cindy will not take her dishes to the kitchen, she dumps her school bags and books on the living room floor and coffee table. She starts a conversation with me then escalates it into an arguement. Last spring there were nemerous tornadoes in the area north of Dallas and the knocked out many cell phone towers. Me, Cindy or her mom couldn't contact each other for over an hour. By the time I was able to get to CIndy's school she was a blubbering lunatic. She started screaming at me wanting to why I wasn't answering my phone and why I didn't pick her up earlier, blah, blah, blah......! I told her there was no communication and she just screamed at me more. No one to take anyone's verbal abuse I lashed back at her telling her what I thought of her attitude toward me. When her mom got home Cindy informed her of our conversaton and shouting match. The arguement caused by a lack of a timely pick-up caused by a lack of operational cell towers caused by numerous deadly twisters was all MY FAULT according to Cindy. With discussions over the next few days it was aggreed hat I was going to move backto Ohio. Cindy was in such high, jovial spirits. I was litterally buried in the back of a storage unit I was rearranging for my move when my wife called. I went home and the 14 yr old told my wife and I that Cindy had been intentionally doing things so her mom and I would split up and divorce. When confronted and told I was not going back to Ohio, Cindy got quite angry and said the past few days were the happiest she had been since I got to Texas and now it was all gone because I was staying. Well, 7 mo0nths later and it's starting again agin even after me telling my wife several times about it, she doesn't believe me. I have such a resentment and hatred for Cindy that, like many other writers in this forum, I cannot stand the sight or sound of this step daughter. I have gone out of my way to do what I can to improve the relationship but She goes out of her way to totally disrepect me and put me and her mom at odds against each other. I have a cash reserve from the sale of my farm and probate from my previous wifes passing plus I have a home based business. My wife has a job where her schedule could have her working 8 hours or 16 hours a day. so, it's up to me to do things at home. I pick Cindy up from school, take her to school events, clean up after her, ocassionaly fold her laundry when she asks, give her and her friends rides to movies and malls, plus, I haven even not gone to band practice myself to provide transportation for her. And, she gives me nothoing but total disrespect! My wife is the love of my life, my heart, my soulmate. I don't want to but I have given thought of leaving and moving back to Ohio. She keeps telling me that Cindy will be off to college in two years. Cindy has potential scholarship offers from Notre Dame, Arizona and many colleges in the far reaches of Texas. I'm afraid she will go to some small local school and stay here at home. That would definately send me over the edge and back to Ohio for sure. Any other guys out there with their own unique step-child stories. Screwed in Texas!
I am so sorry. My advice: Run! There are other fish in the sea. Don't waste another moment with these idiots (asside from the 14 yr old).
I am the stepmother to 5 children. There mother abandoned all of them when the baby was six months old. She was too busy nightclubbing and shagging idiots off of the internet. Soon after leaving, she moved in with the guy hired to build an extension on their house, older than her own father.

I was 26 and happy and in love. It has ruined my life. It was not the 3 oldest daughters, although three preteen girls will certainly challenge you. It was the son. He has set fire to items at school, taken his father's gun, stolen money, and is such a compulsive liar that we can't trust him with anything. We've since had 2 children and miscarried a third. I'm relieved and sad. Thank God I won't have to explain all this terrible stuff to 3 kids, only to 2. My grandmother disowned me when I married him. She was very disappointed in me. I understand why but I really loved him.

After his son called his sister a brat on her 5th birthday, I hit my limit. Why do my kids have to suffer with this? The son and has repeatedly been physically aggressive and inappropriate with them, after 8 years of this, I've had enough.

We may not be together much longer. I'm trying counseling but I've told him I don't care if he calls an attorney or a counselor. I really don't care anymore. I can only watch his parental guilt allow this kid to continue manipulating and lying his way through life.

I don't want my children associating with someone that lives under the same roof. How terrible is that?
I TOTALY understand this... so this was about yr ago..what happened????
I have 3 boys 13,11,& 5 from past relationship and my husband has a 10 year old daughter. She is a spoiled brat. When she comes to our house all she does is eat sleep and watch tv. When i get all the kids outside to play after 30 mins shes whinning shes so tired (which during that 30mins shes done nothing but sit) and her dad babys her takes her inside problem is when its comes to one of my boys if they say they r tried even once he yells at them. She talks baby talk to her dad and my 5 yr old picked up on it and started doing it. My husband said its cute when his daughter does it but yelled at my son for doing it telling him hes not a baby. She can be as loud as she wants and he never says a word to her the 1st time one of the boys get even a little loud he yells as them to be quite. And the list goes on. He tells me to treat her the same as i do my boys and i try to but he babies her and yells as the boys. If i try to talk to him about it he gets mad at me. What should i do i cant stand it anymore.
Hello! I am so glad I am not alone in this. I was starting to feel like sh*! .... My son is 5 years old and my soon to be step-daughter is 4 years old. I know my son is not the perfect child but to me discipline is very important and that's the way I'm raising him, he is very polite, does not lie to your face and overall is a good child, with the normal temper issues and attitudes of a 5 year old... but he never, and I mean NEVER gets away with anything, he gets punished 20 times a day if necessary until he learns his lesson, I usually either sit him on the naughty chair or take away his more "valuable" toys/books. My step-daughter is getting to my Nerves, she lies in your face, she stares at me in such horrible way, that it feels as if she wants to kill me when I say that I am not happy with her behavior or when I send her to the naughty chair. I could almost deal with these behaviors UNTIL I found her kissing my son in the LIPS. As I walked to my son's room she walked out in a rush, put her hands together in her back and started swinging from one side to another with the biggest smile is her face and the most charming look, I immediately noticed she was up to something, I thought she broke something(as it is usual) so I asked what had happened, my son became upset and really scared but she quickly said "NOTHING" I continued to ask what had happened and demanded they told me the truth, she said we were playing VAMPIRE, I asked her how do you play that?, she said I was kissing him, I asked my son "where?" ... he said in the LIPS... I punished them both ... sent them to two different rooms to sit on the naughty chair and spoke to my son, and then went to speak to her; they both told me it was her idea. My son does not like to hug or kiss anybody besides his dad, my fiancé and me. I knew that this kind of behavior did not originate from him and I am really upset and scared at the same time. I feel like my step-daughter is coming to my house to teach my son bad behaviors and I'm scared that this type of behavior might continue, I don't even want to think of them 10 years from now.... I need HELP I don't know what to do .... I love my fiancé and I am very supportive specially when it comes to his daughter, I know that none of this is her fault but I feel like I don't want her in my house with my son anymore. I know she is just 4 years old but I assure you that she acts like she is 20…. Her mother takes her to the salon to straighten her hair, to do manicure and pedicure, buys her make-up, dresses her in really tight clothes so you could like REALLY see the shape of her little body. I know is the way that her mother is raising her that is affecting her behavior but I do NOT want these type of behavior in my house around MY SON.
Oh my lord I'm not a devil mom!!! I love my step daughter and I think she is awesome however I knew getting into this marriage that her mom had basically abandoned her and she was emotionally disturbed on many levels however what I didn't know was that we were going to be using this as an excuse for her lazy useless behavior or her disrespect ect. I have a 4 year old daughter who is more helpful and mature on any day! My husband is very very wealthy and so his daughter has never had to want or work for anything. When we got into this relationship my SD was 13 and had already been lying and acting out. She has had sex and has a new boyfriend every week, she won't pick up after herself stating that she is a kid she is now (15) and thinks I should jump at her every whine, she questions everything I say goes over my head to her dad cries and he makes it all better. He tells me I don't want to be a mother to her and I don't love her because if I did I wouldn't make problems just because she doesn't pick up after herself. But that's not it I am angry because she does absolutely NOTHING!!! She thinks because we have a maid once a week she can trash everything and the maid will get it, throws her tampon applicators on the floor (used) never does her laundry(I refuse bc it ends up on floor and back in dirty before she ever wears it) I grocery shop and when I get home she sits her lazy *** on the couch while I bring in everything and put it away then complains there is nothing to eat or demands fast food, when I cook she ask a million times when dinner is going to be ready and complains she wanted something different never helps or lifts a finger, she fights with my 4 year old always doing things to be a poor influence or to upset her (eats candy in front of her before dinner knowing she can't have any, uses her blanket knowing she will want it, changes the tv channel to inappropriate shows when she is watching something family friendly, teaches her curse words) she lies about everything and I catch her in lies and she tries to lie her way out of lies, she takes my stuff and lies about it and I find it mistreated and misused and ask her not to but she continues to disrespect my stuff,

Failed school last year because she was lazy and disrespectful to teachers, had 15 dress code referrals this year because she thinks she is above all the rules. Now my husband disapplines her however I think he has been dealing with this for so long that he has thrown in the towel. He doesn't ground her because he feels like it will interfere with anything we want to do but she is 15!!! She can be grounded and stay alone at home!!! She plays her dad like a fiddle crying that I'm so mean blah blah blah because I want her to pick up after herself and not disrespect our boundaries and I ask her to do for herself like make snacks and stuff and she says I'm a kid that's your job and I got news for you if my 4 year old can make easy Mac and pb&j then so can she!! My husband is constantly making excuses for her, not holding her accountable and always goes back on her punishments. I'm so sick and tired of trying to help her and she just really doesn't care! We both have ADHD and if I can do all the things I do she can help out once in a while! I'm so angry I don't know what to do slap the stupid out of my husband or run! She is a waste of perfectly good talent and potential and he is making excuses for her daily that encourages her to be a lazy pain in the ***!
I am so glad that there is a forum lke this to vent with people going through the same situations.

I have a 17(almost 18)yr old stepdaughter. I've been with her father for just over 2 yrs. We've been married for a year and a half. Shortly after I met them, she was arrested after punching her father in front of the police, then hitting the officer, too. I guess I should have known what I was getting in to. I feel for all of you!
His sounds exactly like what I am going through also. My 13 year old SD came to live with my husband and I a little over a year ago. Since then we've discovered incessant lying, even about stupid things, she hits our younger kids, calls me names and laughs, she was caught with pills at school, we get weekly emails and calls from teachers about class disruptions, and the list goes on. She had been in counseling this entire time and there has been no improvement. My husband sees her for what she is, sometimes. It seems that when I am mad at her antics, he explains to me why he thinks she did it. Like its okay, because she is sad. But when he is mad at her, if I agree with him, he changes his mind! Suddenly it isn't as bad! I can't stand to look at her. I've found the only solace is not letting her see me squirm. If I hate that she is interrupting me talking to my husband, I don't let her know. Just like little kids, if they know it bothers you, they love it. If you don't let these kids know you want to punch them, and you are screaming inside, they will get bored, if even for a moment and leave you alone. Of course they will try again. Don't let them take over your home. Stay in control and at least appear calm to **** them off. maybe even eventually, we really will be calm and cool.

I, too, think from time to time about leaving. But I won't be chased away and forced to give up everything I've built. This is my home, my family and my husband. Kiss my fat ***, you ungrateful little sociopath.
So no one has posted on here for a long time, but if anyone sees my message -- have any of you actually left your husband because of a stepchild issue? I am considering leaving my husband because of my step-daughter. She is turning 18 next month, but has some sort of emotional/developmental issue that makes her act like she's 10 years old or younger. She's nowhere close to driving, having a job, etc. She's even repeating a semester of high school next year. She has been verbally abusive to me and the rest of the family. To top it off, she is not even my husband's biological daughter -- he took her in when he married his ex-wife, and even after the separated, he kept her with him half the time. So, I have to put up with a step-daughter who isn't even really a step-daugher. I don't see anything changing in the future -- we've gone to hours of counseling, together and separate, and I'm even more unhappy than I've ever been. I feel like many other posters - when she's at our house, my skin literally crawls and I have to hide in my bedroom. My husband has told me flat-out that even if she's 20, if she still can't drive or support herself, then he wants to support her. I can't take it! I really want to leave. :-( Does anyone have some advice?
I am considering leaving my husband as well. His daughter is almost 17 and I have been in her life since she was 2. We have 2 children together and a baby on the way. In the past 15 years I have put up with so much abuse from my SD as well as her mother. 2 years ago Thanksgiving Day my SD came home from her mothers and assaulted me. I had to call the cops. At the time her father was an OTR truck driver. He called me screaming at me that he could not believe I called the cops and what the h*ll did I do to provoke her. I will never forgive him. He is gone and I am raising his kid. See 3 years ago her mother basically dropped her at our door step because she didnt want to deal with her anymore. My husband has always wanted custody. My SD is a very vindictive person at best and enjoys making life h*ll for all involved. My husband doesnt see it. Well after she was arrested, I did not press charges....should have but didnt things arent any better. I am having complications in my pregnancy and she likes to make things worse. My BP has been very high and I am only 4 1/2 months along. I cannot get her to do anything to help around the house, not even dishes. She yells and screams at my two younger kids. It's a nightmare. My husband and I argued the other night and he asked me why I b*tch about her so much. He refuses to see it. His own family will not come around anymore because of her. She has been diagnosed as bipolar and uses it as an excuse to act ridiculous. I hate to leave but at this point even at 18 she is not mature enough to live on her own and had no where else to go. She wont help me and yet if her dad needs something she breaks her back for him. Yet when she wants something she expects me to get it for her. I am tired of living like this. Let me know what you come up with, I myself am torn. But dont see any other way. She makes life miserable for all involved.
If you don't have children with him, run, run run!!! Don't look back. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
The way your SD whines and crys about EVERYTHING sounds so similar to my story and also your feelings toward her seem to be mine the same. I don't know any advice to give you because i to am seeking advice for my SD problem. It's just nice to know there are others out there and am not alone. People say what are you crying about you knew what you signed up for when you entered this relationship. Really I had no idea this is what it would be like. You never know what it will be like until you live it and by then there is so much invested it's like WHAT THE F@*# DO I DO! I say seek counseling, i know i need to......
I feel so much better after reading this. I met my wife when my stepdaughter was only 8 moths old so I have almost always been in her life. She was such a perfect little girl until roughly half way through 12 years of age and then things went down hill. Now at 14 everyday is a battle. She is incredibly disprespectful, calls me names, steals and constantly plays my wife against me. I cannot take it for much longer but I also cannot leave, I love my wife and our 4 children (stepdaughter excluded) and would be devastated at leaving them. I dread when it's time for her to be home from school to the point I feel like my mind may snap. When she bullies the other children I really want to smack the crap out of her and they way she talks to my wife drives me insane. Yet my wife tries to be her friend, she will shout at her but then tries to make up....it's maddening. I just hope I can deal with the next 4 years, hopefully then she will grow up and leave me alone. I apologise if I have babbled, I just needed to release this poison before it infected me entirely.
I can seriously relate....I have 4 kids of my own, hubby just has the one 13 year old crybaby. If she does something wrong, she or he will always find a way to bring it back on one of mine and I'm accused of being a bad parent. Also earlier comment about bloody towels and whatnot, yeah step devil wiped herself with MY personal towel I accidentally left in the bathroom and wiped her bloody *** on it.....and then brought to me and said I shouldn't leave my nasty **** in the bathroom!!!!! Wtf? She played it off on me and my husband believed her and told me I was nasty. Ugh hate that b*tch!
I am glad I am not alone. After reading all of your stories, I've realized that maybe I don't have it so bad. I always try to keep thinking to myself, "It could be worse," but honestly it could be better, too. My husband and I have been together for 2 years. His daughter, 16, does not live with us. He did raise her on his own up until she was 12 or 13. During that time, the majority of his relationships (girlfriends) were kept separate from his daughter. Throughout his daughter's childhood, he gave her his undivided attention. He constantly entertained her and did whatever she wanted. I think that is one of the biggest issues we have now. Anytime the three of us are together, she has to still have ALL of his attention, which he gives her. If he just happens to sit next to me instead of her or if he talks to me about something for a moment she will get upset. She starts whining, slamming doors, and goes through phases of not talking to him for weeks. He'll try calling, texting, and emailing her, but nothing. Then she comes back and says she was mad because she was ignored or something stupid and childish. Yet, if he went without responding to her calls, texts, and emails for one day, she gives him crap about it. She acts like a 10 year old sometimes instead of a 16 year old. I try to tell him that he needs to tell her to open her eyes to the fact that it is not okay for her to ignore him, but get mad at him if he misses one of her calls. I hate to see how she is going to make it in the real world. I also fell sorry for whoever marries her. He better be prepared to give her A LOT of attention. I don't think she has ever been disciplined and I am not allowed to. My husband is one of those people who doesn't worry, brushes things off, and tends to forget things. When our relationship first started, we lived on opposite sides of the state. Eventually, one of us had to move if the relationship was going to get more serious. I gave up my family, friends, job, and the place I grew up and loved, to live where he was because there was no way he was going to do that for me. After moving in, my stepdaughter through a fit that I hung a picture in the main bathroom. She fussed that it was her bathroom. It was not her bathroom for several reasons (she doesn't live here anymore and it is the only bathroom on the main floor). So my husband took the picture down. She used to spend Friday nights with us all the time. After some time had past, she got mad that I was always at the house on Fridays. It is my house. I don't know why I am not welcomed in my own house. Then she told him that she didn't want me to go to family functions. She said that I wasn't family. On one occasion he did exclude me from an outing. I flipped. I moved here and gave everything up and here I was alone. I try to talk to my husband, but he just tells me to be nice to her. It is hard to continue to be nice when you get crap back. I bought her clothes, a college fund, offered my car for when she started driving, and so much more. You can only be nice for so long. My husband always takes her side and is never on my side. He never remembers the bad things she does. I try to explain it to him, but it is like talking to a brick wall. She is his princess and does no wrong. That just gets me more frustrated and angrier. He is supposed to be my best friend. Whenever he mentions that we are going to see his daughter, my blood pressure rises, my breathing gets heavier, and I have a hard time concentrating. You can only image what it is like when I am in the same room as her. He says I act as if she is satin. She isn't, but she is no saint either. I try to understand her, but I don't. I was never like this with my stepmother. I love my stepmother like my own mother and always have. The only time my husband and I argue is because of her. I love him so much. If I could start the relationship over knowing what I know now, I would probably not change anything because of how much I love. Call me stupid. However, I just don't know how much more I can take before I go insane. She is bringing out this evil side in me, and I don't like it. I hope I find direction soon.
I petitioned for my husbands son (15 at the time) to come live with us. He has been a headeache every since. The school diciplinarian and my husband are on a first name basis. Thats how many times we have gone to parent teacher conferences... He is defiant, disrespectful in school, He never did anything in school . Got F's and then had to go to night school to make up, compulsive liar... always justifying himself... He is never at fault it is always everyone elses fault. Never followed curfew...comes in late sleeps till noon or later... never helps around the house..etc...got into some stuff that he never got caught with becaue my husband covered it up. He is disrespectful towards his father. I also have an 8 yr old. I thought I was a pretty cool stepmom until I saw the lack of respect and consideration he had towards his father... it went as far as them getting into an altercation and I told him he had to leave. In the eyes of his mother and paternal grandmother I am the one to blame for everything and he is the saint. I will not have this child in my house showing my 8 yr old that it is ok to have anything to do with ilegal activity. I don't trust this child let alone setting such great examples. I don't know what to do anymore... his father is at his wits end
I petitioned for my husbands son (15 at the time) to come live with us. He has been a headeache every since. The school diciplinarian and my husband are on a first name basis. Thats how many times we have gone to parent teacher conferences... He is defiant, disrespectful in school, He never did anything in school . Got F's and then had to go to night school to make up, compulsive liar... always justifying himself... He is never at fault it is always everyone elses fault. Never followed curfew...comes in late sleeps till noon or later... never helps around the house..etc...got into some stuff that he never got caught with becaue my husband covered it up. He is disrespectful towards his father. I also have an 8 yr old. I thought I was a pretty cool stepmom until I saw the lack of respect and consideration he had towards his father... it went as far as them getting into an altercation and I told him he had to leave. In the eyes of his mother and paternal grandmother I am the one to blame for everything and he is the saint. I will not have this child in my house showing my 8 yr old that it is ok to have anything to do with ilegal activity. I don't trust this child let alone setting such great examples. I don't know what to do anymore... his father is at his wits end
I read all these comments, I relate to all of them, but I'm scared that since I joined this web and this forum I may turn really bitter towards my SD. I know it comes from somewhere, she's a spoilt brat, that's why I'm here, moaning and ranting about it with all of you. However, either I take the highway, or I comform to it, because it will never be my way and I'm scared I will do something silly, say something stupid that will make me lose my head and look silly, at the very least. Not that I haven't done it yet, but they can still count as minor incidents. You know what's like...you turn a blind eye here and there, and that's when things are actually ugly, then suddenly you don't realise you've bottled up too many negative feelings for too long and end up having an outburst for no reason, at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons. Then, everyone looks at you like...wtf? Why is she reacting like this? What has my poor princess done? Only because you held things back for too long when shouldn't have. Never do that. Take advantage of the right moment to express how you feel, but do it calmly, otherwise you'll be the qualified b****, not daddy's girl who will complain about you and dad will side with her. I have to be careful. I either act cleverly or I go, leaving all this behind.
I feel somewhat guilty reading these stories as my SD, at least, is not a 'stealer.' So I guess some people here have a harder time than I do, especially because my SD does not live full time with us. However, whenever she's around, I kind of resent her presence for many different reasons. She's also always very miserable when she goes out with us. She thinks adults are so uncool! She's 12 going 13 next week, so she thinks she's so over her dad who she rates as an idiot yet a "clever" cash-dispenser, only! She sulks when we are out and about having fun and if her dad says something she has a real go at him. His fault, actually, because he accepts it and brushes it off. She's only happy shopping because Dad pays for it all, nothing else matters. If we take her to a show, she hates it, especially if we enthuse about it. She's happy when she has a friend with her, really loud and cheerful, the very opposite to when she's with us only, but I cannot acccept sleepovers in my place with a bunch of other teens in the house when she can have them when she's with her mum. I really don't like it when she calls her dad an idiot and I've made a point this has got to stop! She's ok now, only because her birthday is next weekend and she wants Dad's money and others' presents, but soon she'll be back to her old self, just as when it was Christmas. I know teenagers are like that and perhaps I'm being unfair, but I know not all are the same, not all are so spoilt by their parents and have rules in the house. Her room is a complete mess, like a bomb exploded in it. I don't care, it's her bedroom, but telling her to tidy it up is a war which I think belongs to my bf who is scared of her and feels soooo sorry for her after a divorce where Mum poisoned Dad. I just don't want my towels being left wet on the floor. Too much to ask? I don't know. I chose not to have kids myself, so I find this all very hard!
You have to play the little brat at her own game. Step-daughters can be crafty and spiteful so mirror her behaviour in such a way that she knows exactly what you are doing whilst ensuringno one else does. My friend has a step daughter who goes out of her way to lie and set her up with her husband (child's Father) and he believes the vile cluster of cells everytime. Well, brat's Mother was getting married and brat was to be bridesmaid and could not wait. She was absolutely thrilled about it. She said she wanted her hair cut short (which she was only saying to be dificult) but her Mother said she had to wait until after the wedding as she wanted her to wear her hair up. Brat was not happy! When brat was asleep one night, my friend chopped her hair off! She hacked at the fringe so that it was ridiculously short and wonky and chopped one side shorter than her ear and then hid the hair in brat's bedside drawer along with the scissors. She made sure that she went into brat's bedroom first thing and confronted her over what 'she' had done to her hair rather than leave brat to find out for herself and her Father to believe that she was genuinely surprised and shocked. Brat 's Father was absolutely livid and told her that she could not be a bridesmaid as her hair was so atrocious. It had to be cropped short like a boy's in the end. Brat screamed with frustration that she couldn't wear her dress at her Mother's wedding. Brat denied it, of course and her Father didn't believe her (for the first time ever) and was so angry at what she had done and her lies that he swatted her butt. She had never had this done before and the surprise meant that she launched off of the floor out of her sandals and landed forward a little way. My friend told brat that she had cut her hair off, which of course brat told her Father and he believed my friend when she denied it. My friend has done a couple of other little things and made sure brat knows she did them but no one believes brat. Brat's behaviour has improved towards my friend as she keeps her distance now and just eyes my friend up through narrowed eyes. Victory to my friend! Brat knew what she was doing and does not like someone playing her at her own game. The only way to do it....
i thought i was alone and crazy, childish.. i felt like im a bad step mom, because i hate my 2 SD, but when i read all your stories, i felt like im not the only miserable step mom in the world. me and my husband don't have our own kids, he has 2, 15 and 14 which is damn F***ing lazy, they are the exact definition of LAZY word. worse than u can imagine. Luckily the mom agrees to keep the youngest for good after the school ends and the oldest wants to live with her grandma. not by force but their choice, my husband dont feel any guilt because thats their choice. he will just going to see them everyweekends. to sort things out, we all talked and agreed for custody. in short my inlaws has the full custody of the oldest and youngest is with the mom.. for good! but as of now, while the youngest stays with us until the school ends, i just have to go with the flow..
I feel bad about it, really guilty and as if I am a rotten person, but my step daughter truly makes my skin crawl. I cringe when I come home and see her car in the driveway. I need to keep as far away from her so as not to scream at her every time I see her. And when we are home at the same time I count the seconds until she leaves. She is nearly 24 years old and just moved back here about 5 weeks ago. This is about the 4th time since she was 18, when her mom moved out of state and she decided she would live with us becauser she didnt want to move. Childsupport over of course, no support for us supporting her. She doesn't follow the rules of living here, she doesn't contribute financially at all, she eats whatever she wants and uses all the luxuries of home as if it were her right, even my own personal items. She doesn't clean up after herself, she leaves her wet laundry in my washing machine because it's time for her to go out with friends. She fights with our twin daughters as if she is 12 as well, which makes the occassional babysitting assistance seem worthless. She can not keep a steady job and she is still trying to finish her undergraduate degree on her elderly grandmother's cosignature. She bounces debits and doesnt pay tickets and lets her car insurance lapse. As far as I am concerned this is the last move back here - when she moves out to live with her friend of the week in the future she will not be welcome back here and can go across country to live with her mother again if it doesn't work out. It is affecting my relationship with my husband not because he disagrees with me but because her presence makes me so unhappy and stressed out. Her bedroom is next to ours and the desk where she sits on her computer day in and day out is about 4 feet away from our bed. My patience with everything in my life has dwindled because of her, and I am really not sure how to deal with the sittuation anymore. Any suggestions?
I've been in my stepdaughter's life since she was seven. Back then we were best buddies. She even called me daddy after my wife and I married. My mother in law and grandmother in law gushed about what a positive influence I was. Now she's 12 and screams at me that I'm not her real dad when I'm trying to get her to school on time, or other small discipline stuff. Her biological father hasn't seen her since she was two. I see him in our local paper about every two years for one criminal act or another. I'm the business and city government writer for the same paper. My son, 4, is starting to mimic her negative behavior traits. I don't have much optimism things will improve. She's turning into quite a liar. We've caught her sneaking out of the house at night, and I've caught her "walking to the park" with a sixteen year old boy. call me selfish, but I'm not interested in raising the future mug shot. Adoption is no longer on the table. She can keep her "REAL" dad's last name. All I have to do is live like a prisoner in my own home for six more years from hell...yikes. If I leave, I'm the bad guy, plus my son lives with her example instead of mine. I don't see a winning situation no matter what I do. What sucks the most is that my wife just shrugs her shoulders. I'm beginning to see I'm just a paycheck and and health/vision/dental. Thanks for letting me rant here. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight for a change. Wow. Does councelling help?
wow u just told my story, i am also at witts end what to do
I've been in my stepdaughter's life since she was seven. Back then we were best buddies. She even called me daddy after my wife and I married. My mother in law and grandmother in law gushed about what a positive influence I was. Now she's 12 and screams at me that I'm not her real dad when I'm trying to get her to school on time, or other small discipline stuff. Her biological father hasn't seen her since she was two. I see him in our local paper about every two years for one criminal act or another. I'm the business and city government writer for the same paper. My son, 4, is starting to mimic her negative behavior traits. I don't have much optimism things will improve. She's turning into quite a liar. We've caught her sneaking out of the house at night, and I've caught her "walking to the park" with a sixteen year old boy. call me selfish, but I'm not interested in raising the future mug shot. Adoption is no longer on the table. She can keep her "REAL" dad's last name. All I have to do is live like a prisoner in my own home for six more years from hell...yikes. If I leave, I'm the bad guy, plus my son lives with her example instead of mine. I don't see a winning situation no matter what I do. What sucks the most is that my wife just shrugs her shoulders. I'm beginning to see I'm just a paycheck and and health/vision/dental. Thanks for letting me rant here. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight for a change. Wow. Does councelling help?
My 9 year old step daughter loves to make me look bad. She is so quiet, shy and innocent, or so she seems. She is so damn sneaky. She will take her brothers head and slam it into the wall and her dad will ask what happened. Her brother will say what happened, she will shake her head and say "no I didn't". One time my daughter wrote me a note about being the best mom and she took it before I got home to see it and changed it to you are the worst mom and I hate you, then lied about it. My husband says why would she do that? DUH to get my daughter in trouble and make me feel bad. She pulls that crap all the time. Then today I get out of the shower and someone carved in the fr<x>ame around my master bath mirror.....I hate you. GEEEEEEEE guess what my husband said I don't think she did it, she said she didn't do it. Im so damn sick of it, I am ready to cut my losses because she makes me feel like a complete looser. I love her father more than I ever thought possible, but I don't feel like it is worth fighting with him over it every 2 weeks for the rest of our lives. I think if she lived with us it would get better, but she lives with her mom and her mom lives in her own little world and is unable to comprehend anyone else's point of view, thoughts or feelings. My kids are brats, they argue with eachother all the time, but they know better than to lie to me and that I will make their life hell until I get the truth from them. UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH1
OMG SAME SITUATION HERE! I absolutly hate my stepdaughter too! She makes my skin crawl and ruins my whole day! I just joined this site because I feel like iam at my end with it and Iam not sure how to deal with it anymore either! Its a awful situation to be in but the kids bring it on themselves! I feel my stepdaughter knows right from wrong but she plays things very well to get exactly what she wants and I cannot stand it!
diamond 28, your not crazy...this is a real problem, when it happened to me i thought i was losing my mind....my teenage stepdaughter would lay on my husband to watch tv and then look over at me like ha ha look at me, she would race to sit next to him in the truck, say things like if you buy her a christmas present and you dont buy me one, im going to be very upset....it was a definate competition in her mind....and being a survivor of ******, it really flipped me out.....


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subset: commoncrawl


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The Infusion Project Chicago resident DJs
DJ Hegemony
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Greetings to all!
I hope you all are enjoying a wonderful autumn. The RWJF ENF Alumni Board continues to work hard on our strategic plan that I outlined for you in my last letter. We are planning to move our strategic thinking into a strategic plan that we will present to you at our Annual Meeting in February. If you have any comments or suggestions, please contact me and I will forward to the appropriate Board member.
Andi Williams (email@example.com) has been sending out notices and reminders for our February meeting at the lovely Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona. The Board will meet on February 23 and 24. The Annual Meeting will be held from 4 6:30 PM on February 24. On February 25 - 27, we will focus our attention on the conference that will deal with resilience. I hope you all are planning to attend. This is going to be an unusual and rewarding experience!!
At the recent American Academy of Nursing meeting, Sue Hassmiller held a "Call to Action" meeting that focused on RWJF's Future of Nursing new Initiative, "10,000 Nurses on Boards by 2020." As part of the next steps, I committed the RWJF ENF Alumni Association to form a Committee to encourage, support, and mentor our Fellows to serve on more Boards. If you are interested in serving on that Committee, please contact me (firstname.lastname@example.com).
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Happy Autumn to all!
Kind regards,
Kate Malliarakis, Cohort 1999
President, RWJF ENF Alumni Association


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France will deport foreign-born imams and disband radical faith-based groups, including hardline traditionalist Catholics, if a new surveillance policy signals they suffer a "religious pathology" and could become violent.
A French Islamist shooting spree last March that killed three soldiers and four Jews showed how quickly religiously radicalised people could turn to force, Interior Minister Manuel Valls told a conference on the official policy of secularism.
His warning came two days after President Francois Hollande announced the creation of an agency to track how the separation of church and state is upheld in this traditionally Catholic country with Europe's largest Muslim and Jewish minorities.
Valls and two other cabinet ministers told the conference on Tuesday evening the Socialist-led government would stress the secularist policy called "laicite" that they said was weakened under the previous conservative President Nicolas Sarkozy.
"The aim is not to combat opinions by force, but to detect and understand when an opinion turns into a potentially violent and criminal excess," he said.
"The objective is to identify when it's suitable to intervene to treat what has become a religious pathology," said Valls, whose ministry oversees relations with religions.
France's official secularism sidelines faith in the public sphere, but a trend towards a more visible religious identity among some Muslims, Jews and Catholics has made defending it a cause for the traditionally secularist left-wing parties.
Valls stressed the focus would be not only on radical Salafi Muslims recruiting among disaffected youths, but also on groups such as Civitas, a far-right lay Catholic movement that protests aggressively against what it calls insults to Christianity.
The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.


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Review: Audio-Technica AT2020 USB
Record Like a Pro With USB Shout Stick
Rating: 8/10 Excellent, with room to kvetch
- Reviewed by Chuck Cage
- December 18, 2008 |
- 12:00 am |
- Categories: Home Audio & Video, Reviews
Like the Marshall mic, the AT2020 performs admirably straight out of the box—no setup necessary. You talk into the side, so it looks like what you'd see in a pro radio station. After our sessions, we felt like pros, too: Its even tone made us sound so good we started to believe that someone might actually listen to our show. If you're working at home, where background noise (shrieking toddlers, barking dogs) is a problem, you'll appreciate that it's not supersensitive.
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TIRED: Sounds great but not $100-plus better than the rest. Stand a bit wobbly.


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Built with heavy-duty steel and finished with heat-resistant paint, this Medina River Grill Master Charcoal Barbecue Grill is designed to provide you with a long-lasting tool for cooking your favorite foods over an open flame. There's also a built-in front shelf for holding food and utensils while you grill, and a spacious lower shelf for more long-term storage. Plus, if you're a chef who likes to travel, this charcoal grill's wheels and convenient pull handle make it extremely portable. Wherever you want to create fantastic burgers or delicious steaks, this versatile grill can follow.
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Awaiting a Savior
The Gospel, the New Creation and the End of Poverty
"Gospel-driven, Jesus-centered, solid theological look at what poverty stems from & how to see it in a biblical framework."
– Dave Kraft, pastor, Mars Hill Church, author
"Few books so astutely combine a comprehensive theological look at poverty with empowering, inspirational motivation."
– Logan Gentry, Pastor, Apostles Church, NYC
Also: David Murray, Stephen Altrogge, Trevin Wax…
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What causes poverty? What am I supposed to do about it?
These questions are driving a new generation of Christians to take action on behalf of the poor through social and political action, global partnerships, and financial generosity, as they desire to become the generation that ends poverty forever. Yet in pursuit of this goal, they risk losing sight of a fundamental reality: the root cause of poverty isn't found in material or external circumstances. The root cause of poverty is sin— and sin is not a problem we can solve.
But Jesus can.
In Awaiting a Savior, Aaron Armstrong reminds readers that even as we are responsible for pursuing biblical solutions to poverty, our hope for truly resolving it comes not from the good we do, but from the return of Christ, who will once and for all put an end to sin, suffering and death as he brings about the new creation.
About the Author
Aaron Armstrong is a blogger, an itinerant preacher, and a writer for an international Christian ministry focused on caring for the needs of the poor. He blogs daily at www.BloggingTheologically.com and his work has appeared on The Gospel Coalition's "Voices" blog and RelevantMagazine.com's "Deeper Walk" column. Aaron, his wife Emily, and their children worship and serve at Harvest Bible Chapel in London, Ontario.
endorsements & reviews
"While many books on eradicating poverty focus solely on statistics and need as motivating tactics, Awaiting a Savior moves beyond the stats, the great need, and excellently emphasizes addressing the root of poverty and what motivates us to adress the issue. The redemptive story of God highlighted in this book provides the grace-based motivation in the gospel necessary to provide the most holistic and sustainable response to the great need around us. Few books so astutely combine a comprehensive theological look at poverty with empowering, inspirational motivation."
Logan Gentry, Pastor of Community & Justice, Apostles Church, New York City
"Aaron Armstrong's heart to minister to the least of these is on full display in this concise book about the opportunities and limitations of ministry to the poor. Challenging our own idolatry, our motivations, and our actions, Awaiting a Savior reorients our mercy ministry around the gospel, seeking to show how a life of love is the overflow of a grace-filled heart."
Trevin Wax, editor of TGM (Theology, Gospel, Mission) and author of Counterfeit Gospels and Holy Subversion
"Aaron Armstrong's book, Awaiting A Savior, brings a fresh approach to the world-wide problem of poverty. It is gospel-driven, Jesus-centered, and gets at the real but often overlooked cause of poverty.
"This is not another book that takes you on a guilt trip because we're 'not doing enough.' It is not filled with lists of all the things we should do to eliminate poverty, but rather is a solid theological treatment of what poverty really stems from and how to see it within a biblical framework.
"Aaron has provided thought provoking questions throughout that will get your brain churning."
Pastor Dave Kraft, Mars Hill Church, Orange County, California; author of Leaders Who Last
" Aaron Armstrong has not only thought hard about alleviating poverty, he's also worked hard at it. Consequently, this biblical theology of poverty is a mixture of pessimism, optimism, and realism. He's rightly pessimistic about humanistic solutions, he's brightly optimistic about God's ultimate solution, and he's practically realistic about the best and most the Church can do in this present age."
Dr. David P. Murray, professor of Old Testament and Practical Theology, Puritan Reformed Theological Seminary; president of HeadHeartHand Media
"Finally, a book that tackles the subject of poverty in a biblical, balanced, thought-provoking, and convicting manner! In his book Aaron manages to walk the fine line of calling for a biblical solution to poverty without causing the reader to feel overly burdened with unnecessary, unbiblical guilt. He also shows how biblical generosity is ultimately rooted in the generosity of God himself. Too many times I've seen the call for generosity fueled by legalistic guilt. Aaron instead points the reader to the glories of the gospel as the motivation for giving. Read this book. Discuss it with your friends. Be generous!"
Stephen Altrogge, author of The Greener Grass Conspiracy; pastor at Sovereign Grace Church of Indiana, Pennsylvania; blogger at TheBlazingCenter.com
"In our highly activist, solutions-oriented generation, we easily think that we ourselves are the solution to the world's social ills, particularly poverty. But the problem of poverty is the problem of sin and its solution lies in the heart of the Gospel. Aaron Armstrong brilliantly brings us back to Genesis and delivers a theologically robust vision for obeying the Scriptures' command to help the poor while living in anxious anticipation of Christ's coming Kingdom."
Daniel Darling, Senior Pastor of Gages Lake Bible Church; author, iFaith: Connecting to God in the 21st Century
"Aaron Armstrong has succeeded in helping us see the solution to poverty in a biblical light. He understands that poverty itself is no more a root problem than those things said to be born out of it, such as economic oppression or social injustice. Thus, he calls us back to Scripture to see that the real root problem is sin and that the answer is found in nothing less than the enduring good news of Jesus Christ. With so much confusion in the Church and para-church ministries regarding a Christian response to poverty and so much interest in social justice presently, this volume is an urgent read for any Christian who has a genuine interest in helping the poor."
N. D. Muscutt, Pastor at Newcastle Fellowship Baptist Church
"We all care about poverty, but caring isn't enough. We need to move beyond feelings and good intentions. In Awaiting a Savior, Aaron Armstrong helps us think theologically about poverty, because we'll never know how to respond until we understand both the issue and our response from a biblical perspective. He then shows us how we can respond out of grace, not guilt. This book is a clear and insightful look at an issue that's on all of our minds."
Darryl Dash, pastor of Richview Baptist Church; blogger, DashHouse.com
"Order this book by Aaron Armstrong and then read it from front to back. You will never listen to or engage in a conversation about poverty the same way again. This is great stuff!"
Michael Krahn, singer/songwriter, blogger at MichaelKrahn.com
"In his book, Awaiting a Savior, Aaron Armstrong addresses the issue of poverty in a clear and theologically practical way. Armstrong does a good job emphasizing sin's damaging effects on economics and pointing to the one true hope of the world, Jesus. This book is a valuable resource to help Christians think biblically when it comes to finances, economics, resources, and poverty."
Pastor Bubba Jennings, Mars Hill Church, Seattle, Washington
"Awaiting a Savior is a compelling and captivating book that looks at global poverty through the wide-angle lens of the gospel. Aaron Armstrong's book will likely change the way you look at the problem of poverty in our world and how you think about addressing it. But what I love most about Awaiting a Savior is that it empowers us to care for the poor by making much of Jesus."
Dan Cruver, author of Reclaiming Adoption, director of Together for Adoption
"Aaron Armstrong sees the world through Bibline coloured glasses. In other words – the Bible, God's inspired, holy, perfect Word is the lens through which he sees the world and its ills and therefore the solutions to be applied. Far too many throw their Bibles aside and then apply their own logic and wisdom to crafting solutions. The world's problems are primarily spiritual, not social, and this demands that their solutions must start with and remain firmly rooted in God's solutions. Aaron says, 'If you don't understand what happened in the Garden of Eden, you are missing the single biggest factor that contributes to poverty.' Amen! This book lays out a simple, yet profound understanding for all Christ-followers and churches wishing to truly help bring relief and blessing into the lives of this world's poor. I highly recommend that if God is prompting you to step into the fight against poverty (and every Christian should have this prompting) that you begin with this book and build your approach squarely on a Biblical understanding of the complete need and therefore the only lasting and truly effective solution."
Norm Millar, Senior Pastor of Harvest Bible Chapel, London, Ontario
"Awaiting a Savior is a truly rare book in providing a thoroughly Christian answer to poverty. It both thinks and bleeds. Aaron sees sin as the ultimate problem and Jesus as the ultimate answer, and does so while dealing with the practical, dirt-under-your-fingernails issues of gospel-centered poverty relief."
Josh Howerton, Preaching and Leadership Elder, The Bridge Church, Spring Hill, TN
"Aaron Armstrong knows what he's talking about! I highly recommend this book!"
Pete Wilson, Author of Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up the Way You Thought He Would?
"Poverty is very complex. Awaiting a Savior helps unpack the maze of complexities and shines a fresh light on God's heart for the poor and His strategy to mobilize the body of Christ to alleviate poverty. Aaron does a stellar job of unpacking the theological issues of this dreadful plight and brings hope to a hopeless topic."
Dr. Barry Slauenwhite, President /CEO, Compassion Canada
"It is not often that I read a book in under twenty-four hours, but I could not put this book down."
Awaiting a Savior: The Gospel, The New Creation and the End of Poverty is written by Aaron Armstrong, preacher, blogger, author, and writer for an international Christian ministry focused on caring for the needs of the poor. Out of his experience caring for the needs of the poor through writing, and ministering to them; he has written a book that gets to the heart of the matter on poverty by focusing on the Gospel and its implications.
As I read through this book, I was struck by how Aaron continually brought me back to the Gospel. The real problem as Aaron rightly describes in this book is that most discussions on poverty miss any mention of sin. Sin is the problem, and its effects are felt whether one is rich or poor. Having previously served the poor on the streets and in homeless shelters; I can tell you that the real problem is as Aaron describes in this book, sin. The solution to the problem of poverty isn't more programs, while they can be helpful at times; the solution is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
As Aaron walks through the biblical teaching on poverty he does so in a way that is convincing and challenging. It would all too easy to point fingers on an issue like poverty and say, "The government or charity organizations aren't doing their jobs," but Aaron never succumbs to this; instead he points his readers towards the Bible, and grounds them in the Gospel of God.
There were several statements scattered throughout the book that stood out to me. At the end of chapter three, Aaron states, "The ultimate answer to poverty is circumcised hearts, hearts that know the God who forms and keeps covenant with poor, undeserving sinners." In chapter six Aaron makes two observations, "We cannot separate what we believe from what we do" and "we are called to care for the poor because God is glorified in our doing so." The Lord God takes what is dead and makes it new; giving the believer new desires and new affections for Himself, for the purpose of advancing His kingdom with the Gospel. As a result of being saved the believer will care for the poor, the sick, the widow, the broken and the least of these. These desires flow from the new birth, which is to say God gives His people the desire to obey Him, and live on mission for Him because of the new birth.
Awaiting a Savior: The Gospel, The New Creation and the End of Poverty is a very well-written, thoughtful and Gospel-saturated explanation of poverty. It is not often that I read a book in under twenty-four hours, but I could not put this book down, once I picked it up because Aaron writes in such a way as to draw the reader into what he is saying by engaging them with the Gospel. I encourage you to pick up Awaiting a Savior by Aaron Armstrong because it will teach you not only to have a biblical worldview on the topic of poverty, but also to minister to the poor because of the Gospel.
Dave Jenkins, ServantsofGrace.org
"Aaron Armstrong hits the bullseye with deadly accuracy."
It's easy to feel inadequate or discouraged when it comes to the fight against poverty. It's hard work, and as long as sin continues on the face of the earth and in the hearts of man, there will be poverty — spiritual, material, and relational.
Cutting through motivations and misconceptions, Awaiting a Savior: The Gospel, the New Creation and the End of Poverty gets to the true heart of the issue; poverty is spiritual. Lying, murder, theft and all other suffering and evil in our fallen world today are a direct result of the cursed human nature inherited from Adam and Eve's original sin (Genesis 3:1-7). Aaron Armstrong hits the bullseye with deadly accuracy:
"A fallen world inhabited exclusively by sinners: that is the essence of poverty. Sin, and the effects of sin throughout creation, is the Poverty from which all other poverty flows" (p.23).
Armstrong provides a Scripture-rich reminder that it's only in recognising and addressing sin as the root of all poverty (and of our attitude towards those suffering in it, p.46) that we can hope to fight poverty effectively. It is only in the transformation of the sinner's heart through the application of the gospel that our ministry to the poor bears fruit that will last.
Involved with a charity organisation himself, Armstrong's love for both the church and Scripture's clear exhortation to help the poor is obvious. Armstrong rightly encourages his audience to respond to poverty within a biblical framework; pursuing solutions that don't simply prune the branches – the effects of sin – but to recognise and deal with the common root of poverty, sin itself (p.21). Accompanied by a highly practical list of actions that every Christian should live out, Armstrong draws from Amos, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and Jesus to clearly convey how Scripture instructs us to deal with the individual heart as the means of joyfully and effectively ministering to the poor.
Spiritual problems require spiritual solutions (p.101) and caring for the poor starts with an understanding of the gospel; understanding that this care is the natural outworking of thankfulness for the grace that Jesus has given to those who believe in him. It is motivated purely by God being glorified through our loving him and loving others. Awaiting a Savior: The Gospel, the New Creation and the End of Poverty is a gospel-saturated, deeply convicting look at the church's biblical mandate to care for the poor. Aaron Armstrong's book will reshape not only the way you look at poverty, but how you act towards it.
"Awaiting a Savior hits on every cylinder."
Few ideas and causes have captivated the current generation more than that of poverty and social justice. This emphasis upon relieving the oppressed is commendable but not without some concerns. The confusion that exists about what constitutes the root cause of social injustice and poverty to begin with is concerning. And without properly identifying the root cause one cannot properly identify the right response. It is also concerning that the tone and manner used by those leading the way to garner support for social issues resembles more of the guilt and manipulation techniques of an old-school fundamentalist evangelist ripping off the stats of people who are going to hell that very instant ("Breathe in. Breathe out. Ten people just went to hell." – yes I have heard that) while railing on the audience for not being better witnesses. Many others simply recognize that the goal of ending global poverty or social injustice is unreachable by our efforts and just give up. So what reason is there for poverty? How can we speak of social issues without becoming legalistic? Is it all hopeless anyway?
In his new book, Awaiting A Savior: The Gospel, The New Creation and The End of Poverty, Aaron Armstrong confronts these questions with clear biblical thinking that has been immersed in the gospel. He does this by locating the story of poverty within the grand story of God's Word. The importance of this perspective is invaluable since it allows him to lead us to see that "the root cause of poverty is sin." Yet this is exactly the perspective that is missing from much of the conversation and action surrounding social work today. The problem then is that "the idea that we can wipe out injustice and inequality for good overlooks the fundamental problem of our sinful nature." This leads to the basic premise of Aaron's book which is "that our good faith efforts to address legitimate questions of poverty and injustice must never lose sight of the fact that poverty will persist as long as the heart of man is ruled by sin" (emphasis his).
What this means then is that the "hope for truly resolving the injustices of this world is not to be found in utopian visions of global partnership, or pouring massive amounts of money into relief efforts, or even in providing food, education, and opportunities to people who don't have them. While we are responsible for pursuing biblical solutions to poverty, our only hope for an ultimate solution is in the return of Christ, when he will put an end once and for all to sin, suffering, and death, and bring about the new creation." This is good news. And Aaron does a fantastic job of setting the curse of poverty within the context of the curse of God upon Adam (and humanity) and then tracing it clear through to the cross and finally to the New Heavens and the New Earth. At every turn Aaron keeps reminding his readers that because "Sin, and the effects of sin throughout creation, is the Poverty from which all other poverty flows" then the only way to truly provide relief for this poverty is in the gospel of Jesus Christ.
But Aaron doesn't stop there. He offers wise and strong caution about how we are to conceive of our relief efforts by pointing to the efforts of those at the Tower of Babel as a warning. He then goes on trace God's demand for his people to care for the poor and oppressed throughout the Scriptures making it clear that those who are truly God's people are going to care about the needs of those around them. So what we are led to see in this book is that "real-time, physical service to the poor is a form of real-time, physical service to Jesus." And lest we wonder about whether someone is deserving of our efforts Aaron reminds us of the gospel-truth that "we must avoid notions of anyone being "deserving" of our help. None of us deserve the grace of God, yet he freely gives it!"
It won't take you long to become convinced that this isn't an issue that you can ignore but must do something about. And it is here that Aaron does some of his most important pastoral work as he wisely steers his readers away from asking the wrong question – "am I doing enough", which focuses upon goals and not people, legalism and not grace – to asking the right question – how does God's gracious work in Christ on behalf of sinners motivate and sustain our relief efforts? And this is the right question because "caring for the poor starts with understanding the grace Jesus has given to those who believe in him." The gospel is the only thing that can truly motivate us to give of ourselves – because God gave himself.
This book finishes by taking a look at the biblical, wise, and practical ways in which we can provide care for the poor and oppressed as we await the Savior for ourselves and looks forward to the New Heavens and the New Earth where God will eliminate poverty and all human oppression and injustice. In the end, Awaiting a Savior: The Gospel, The New Creation and the End of Poverty hits on every cylinder and though it is not a long book (only 114 pages) it packs a punch without being punchy or condescending. This is a book that speaks to the very heart of some very difficult issues facing our current generation and Aaron has done the church a great service in writing this clear, convincing and gospel-saturated book.
Kendall Harris, In Earshot of Calvary
"It will equip you with a biblical framework to think through these decisions for yourself."
In Awaiting a Savior, the latest release from Cruciform Press, Aaron Armstrong takes a biblical look at the issue of poverty. To say that poverty is a complex issue is putting it lightly; it is at once theological, governmental, and (for many of us) personal. Armstrong rightly recognizes that human solutions to this complex problem are by nature inadequate–it is to Christ and his Word that we must turn if we are going to find answers for poverty.
Reading this book will leave you convinced of two major themes. First, the root cause of all poverty is human sin. Second, the ultimate solution to poverty can only be the return of Christ (hence the book's title).
To establish these points, Armstrong walks the reader through the basic story line of Scripture from start to finish, along the way relating the Bible's main themes to the problem of poverty. I was not expecting the book to review the entire Bible in this way, but it was a pleasant surprise. The writing is clear and effective, to the point where it could even be a good resource to put into the hands of somebody who is ignorant about the big picture story of Scripture. This book will demonstrate to the reader the seriousness of sin and its effects. Since sin cannot be removed apart from Christ's return, neither can poverty be removed. This is shown in both biblical and cultural examples. Culturally speaking, both the financial crisis here at home in North America and the extreme poverty across the world in sub-Saharan Africa are tied to the same root of sin (see pp. 29-30).
However, though the presence of sin in the world guarantees the presence of poverty, this is not an excuse for Christians to avoid ministering to the poor. Armstrong notes that while many believers use Jesus' statement that we will always have the poor with us as an excuse to ignore the poor, it is more biblical to see it as a guarantee that we will always have opportunity to minister for (and to) Christ by ministering to the poor. This is a helpful perspective (see ch. 6).
Awaiting a Savior strikes an appropriate balance between comfortable suburban Christianity (which often ignores the needs of the poor both among us and around the world) and certain "progressive" forms of Christianity (which can at times prioritize poverty relief over gospel proclamation). Both of these extremes are wrong. God's heart is that the poor be loved, primarily with the gospel of Jesus Christ, but also in tangible physical ways. This the appropriate balance that is struck in this book.
I recommend this book and think that it can be useful to Christians of all stripes. As with all Cruciform Press books, it is short and readable. It is well-written, well illustrated (at one point jumping seamlessly from the Tower of Babel to the movie Goonies to Shakespeare to a speech by President Obama, all in the course of a single page), and gospel-focused. I am not aware of another book quite like this. It does not tell you how much of your money you have to give away, it does not tell you which organizations and ministries you need to give to, and it won't tell you how you need to vote in order to effectively relieve poverty. But it will equip you with a biblical framework to think through these decisions for yourself.
If you are interested in learning about the issue of poverty and poverty relief from a Christian perspective, and at the same time would like to avoid another offering of warmed-over liberalism masquerading as authentic 21st-century Christianity (all too common in the church today), then you will want to pick up a copy of Awaiting a Savior.
Casey Lute, blogger at CaseyLute.com and author of "But God…"
"Armstrong does a wonderful job."
Whenever someone brings up the issue of social justice or poverty in a room full of Christians, the room usually splits into one of two camps. One side of the room would support what has become known as a social gospel. They would say our only purpose is to feed someone who is starving, to clothe someone who is freezing, or to provide for someone who is less fortunate. After all, isn't this what Jesus did? I would argue that this is futile living.
The other side of the room would be shaking their heads in disagreement (if not disgust). And because they are so scared of being labeled part of the social gospel, they swing the pendulum so far that they never consider the implications of social ministry upon the Christian. I doubt they would actually say that taking care of the poor has nothing to do with Christianity, they just live like they believe that. I would argue this is Christ-less Christianity.
I have often longed for a balanced voice in the middle of this issue. I think we now have one. Awaiting A Savior by Aaron Armstrong is a new book published by Cruciform Press that deals with the real issues of poverty, but doesn't shy away from calling Christians to do their part. He doesn't waste any time dealing with real issues when he says "the root cause of poverty is sin" (9). That might sound shocking, but he does a great job of explaining what he means by that.
"The basic premise of this book is that our good faith efforts to address legitimate questions of poverty and injustice must never lose sight of the fact that poverty will persist as long as the heart of man is ruled by sin … I hope to show that the best way to help the poor is to minister to them as the Church, in both word and deed, to the glory of God" (9-10)
I think he does adequately address these issues in the book. He does it by taking us back to the beginning before sin when Adam and Eve lived perfectly without any thought of poverty. It was only after the fall into sin that poverty even became a possibility. He says,
"Everything about Adam and Eve's fall makes economic prosperity difficult and elusive. In fact, the fall has made poverty the default setting, an ever-present gravitational pull intent on dragging us down. This is true not only because it is now harder to produce material wealth but also because the fall triggered an ongoing cascade of relational challenges characterized by blame-shifting and excuses about our sin, as well as an ongoing desire in each of us to play God over one another. Hardly a recipe for success." (20)
Tracing the flow of the Scriptures from creation to fall to tower of Babel to the prophets—Armstrong does a wonderful job of showing how God's heart has always been to take care of those that cannot take care of themselves. The only problem is that our heart of sin tends to make the poverty issue worse. Even when people do seek to help those in impoverished situations, many attempt to build their own kingdom, not God's. And we know that God will not share His glory with anyone. The solution of course is the gospel in our lives. It is fully understanding the truth of God invading and changing us. He says,
"Those whose hearts are inclined to the Lord will seek true justice on earth as it is in heaven. Covenant faithfulness always leads to ethical faithfulness … We dare not turn a blind eye. We dare not think, 'They're somebody else's problem.' If we really mean that, our hearts are as dead as those of the unfaithful Israelites of Isaiah's day." (56-7).
In the end, I would highly recommend this book to all Christians. Specifically if God has placed on your heart a burden for the impoverished. One particularly helpful aspect of this book is the study guide questions at the end of each chapter. This would make this book very easy to be read in a group of people as they seek to learn a balanced view of poverty together.
Thad Bergmeier, Changed by the Gospel
"Brought me to my knees in prayer, conviction, and thanksgiving."
I am Mexican. My country is a country of contrasts, a country in which you can find the richest man on earth, as well as people living in extreme poverty not so far from the richest neighborhoods in the most important cities.
I drive to my parents' home once a week to have lunch with them, and every week, in the same corner, I see a poor family selling candy or sometimes just reaching their hand to beg for some money. The mom is always holding a baby in her "rebozo," while the "big kids" (around seven years old) are most of the time selling gum to the car drivers when the stop light is on. But my eyes always look for the little one, a toddler. He is always in a corner playing happily with empty milk cartons, or old toys. Every week, my heart aches. Many times we have brought food for them, or clothes, but there are always these questions in my heart, how can we really help those in need when you see them every where? Is there a real solution to all this poverty around me? Whom do we help? The family on the street, the friends that are going through hard (real hard) times, the children in a far away land with no drinking water? What is the Christian response to poverty?
Aaron Armstrong has written a book, Awaiting a Savior: The Gospel, The New Creation and The End of Poverty, that has spoken directly to my heart. He has in few pages, answered many of these questions.
Armstrong says,
"Resources and awareness and policies are important, but poverty is not fundamentally about any of these things. The root of poverty is sin." (p.9)
The author understands the gospel's message well. He knows that the bad news always precede the good, so he keeps on saying,
"[O]ur good faith efforts to address legitimate questions of poverty and injustice must never lose sight of the fact that poverty will persist as long as the heart of man is ruled by sin.". (p.10)
This book is one that reminds us of the hope that should keep us pursuing biblical solutions to poverty. Armstrong says,
"our only hope for an ultimate solution to poverty is in the return of Christ, when he will put an end once and for all to sin, suffering and death, and bring out the New Creation." (p.11)
And that is when I take a deep breath and keep on reading. Armstrong takes us back to Genesis, the Paradise, the Fall, and the curse that came as a result of it.
"Whereas the curse upon Eve is primarily about interpersonal relationships, Adam's curse spreads outward to all economic life… Prosperity will always be challenging and elusive. The very materials and processes we work with to try to create prosperity will resist us. And it will continue like this until the day we die." (p.18)
But physical poverty, as terrible as it is, is not the ultimate poverty. Armstrong says,
"A fallen world inhabited exclusively by sinners; that is the essence of poverty. Sin, and the effects of sin throughout creation, is the Poverty from which all other poverty flows" (p.23)
This is the heart of the book, this is what makes this book so important; Awaiting a Savior goes to the root of the problem of poverty that surrounds us.
This is a book that I greatly recommend as a tool to train the young people who want to come and do missions to poor countries. In Latin America, sadly to say, we receive many missionaries, many youth groups that come every summer to help build churches, and paint walls, and sing children's songs in poor areas; but we need to go deeper, we need to go to the root of poverty: sin in the heart man.
Armstrong deals, then, with the root of poverty, but also with the root of our inability to respond in a God-glorifying way towards poverty.
"Sin thus not only causes poverty but also poisons our attitude toward those suffering within it."
We try to help, but very often we loose sight of our real aim:
"Ultimately, poverty can only be addressed at the heart level, one person at a time, s salvation through the shed blood of Christ pushes back against the fall of man. The ultimate answer to poverty is circumcised hearts that know the God who forms and keeps covenant with poor and undeserving sinners." (p.47)
Chapter Five, was probably my favorite. Armstrong reminds us of the Sermon of the Mountain and how "The gifts of love always precede the demands of love". Oh yes, Grace, amazing Grace that reaches to the poor effectively.
"That is what is so devastating about the Sermon on the Mount. It starts with grace…"
And as the paragraph continued, it brought me to my knees in prayer, conviction and thanksgiving. Grace is the starting point; it was there where Jesus found me. It is there where we should start if we want to effectively help the poor among us until the day we see Jesus.
Come, Lord Jesus!
Becky Pliego, Daily On My Way to Heaven
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