text:
He's moving here for me
Here's a happy letter. Don't forget the 1 p.m. chat.
Q: Hi Meredith & LL readers!
I read this column every day, thanks for giving me a great work break.
Remember a while back when readers were clamoring for 'happy' letters? Hopefully they still want one ... I am 29, and have been in a stable, warm, normal relationship with a wonderful guy for about a year. We met at a wedding a few years ago, gradually became friends but dated other people, and just started dating last summer. Things are great -- we get along really well, are totally honest with each other, and have great chemistry. So why, you may ask, am I writing?
It took us so long to start dating because when we met, I lived in Boston and he lived about a thousand miles away, which is how it has always been. He is moving to Boston in a couple of weeks to move in with me. This was his idea -- I was thinking about it and trying to figure out how to ask him, when he suggested it himself. He does not know anyone here, has no job contacts here, has never lived this far away from his friends and family, and has made it clear that he is moving because he wants to be with me.
So this is why I am asking for advice. I have sort of lived with two guys before (one was just for a summer, which we knew going into it, and the other was a guy who spent every night at my house but maintained his own place), and things did not go well. I definitely feel like things are different this time because I am a little older and hopefully wiser, and we are a better match, but it still makes me nervous. I really love him to pieces, and I want this to work. Do you and the readers have any advice for me about how to live together successfully, and how to make the transition from long-distance to same-apt romance?
-- C, Boston
A: C, Congrats. Sounds like you're in loooove.
Now for some advice.
Please, please manage your expectations. No matter how much you guys love each other, there's going to be an uncomfortable transition phase. It's not just that you've been long distance and that you'll suddenly be cohabitating. It's really that he's not from here. He'll be learning about Boston as he learns about you. Getting to know Boston isn't so easy. In fact, it can be terrifying.
Both of you should go into this expecting frustration. He should expect that he'll get lost on 93. He should expect to feel out of place and confused. You should expect to feel a little guilty when you see him struggling. It's going to be a little awkward for a while.
That's what happens with a move-in like this. It's unavoidable. But if you both know what's coming, you'll be ready to manage it. Stay strong and do your best to be supportive. Give him space to make this town his own. Keep a sense of humor. And remind him daily why he made this choice -- so the two of you can make a go of it.
Good luck. And we're here if you need us, of course.
Readers? What can C do to make this transition work? Should they be living together right off the bat? What should she expect when he gets here? Advice? Stories from your past? Share here. Submit a letter to the right.
-- Meredith
It's good to let life be life sometimes. He wants to come here, you want him to come here. The rest is, well, life. Everydayness is different then when-I-can-afford-a-plane-ticketness, and as long as you acknowledge, like Meredith said, that there is going to be some awkwardness, some transition, and some discovery on both sides, just let life...unfold. Don't let your concerns keep you both from exploring this.
i'd be petrified -- no job -- there are no jobs -- will you be supporting him -- yikes
Wow...no job contacts, eh? Help him find a job fast. Number one subject of arguments between couples is money. He needs to find a job as soon as possible.
Second part - help him network with other guy friends. The live-in situation is going to get old quickly if you are the only person he knows. He needs to get out of the house and making friends as soon as possible.
(Unless he is going to be your "houseboy," which is not necessarily the worst thing...) -
LW, this will be very different from your other two experiences, where you and your fellas basically had one eye on the door the entire time. This will be like getting married. Do you feel like this guy is the one for you and you're happy to take a step in that direction? Then go for it! As Carolyn says, what happens happens. My brother and his gf went from long distance to moving in and eventually got married -- the reason it worked for them is that they were both on the same page about where the relationship was going. Make sure you and your guy are. If not, it might be better if he moves to Boston but not in with you.
Rico just loves a nice letter like this and is here to advise you:
Rico thinks this is wonderful and to make his transition and yours as smooth as possible. Before he arrives you may want to clear some space for him and his things. If you have 5 closets maybe give him one? Go to the home sotre and buy yourself large rubber/plastic containers and put your winter stuff or summer stuff in them depending on season and store them in the basement if you have one or at a family/friends house till needed. When he does arrive he may need something called GPS, you may have heard of it. Men don't get lost ever, we just find creative routes to get places, GOS might help him be less creative :)
Rico also thinks maybe introducing him to recruiters could help his job search and maybe look up a few clubs he may be interested in joining. A tennis club, running, biking or maybe a local gym to meet other people. Then there is the restaurant/bar scene. While Rico is an avid chef at home he enjoys a night out with his lovely wife for a nice dinner. Take him to the South End, Back Bay, North End, etc...Give him a taste of the local flavors, not just F-hall and the crappy vendors. Rico suggests taking him to the cape, Falmouth is nicer than Hy's Anus and Provincetown is an experience. Then of course, Newport RI, Rockport, etc...
OK, so he may be a sports fan so try getting tickets to a game and let him smell Fenway. Yes Rico said smell...there is nothing like the smell of Fenway in summertime, fresh grass, hot dogs, pizza, beer, all gathered together for an experience of a lifetime. Do not take him shopping in a mall unless he asks, guys hate malls, Rico can't stand them. He will need to know the best pizza places, coffee (NOT DD's), Market, etc...maybe take some time to write a list of common things people need to know. Just look at your daily life for a month and see what you go through, he'll be doing much the same. He will need a haircut, Newbury street is too expensive for a real man, supercuts is tacky...Local guy in Watertown does a shave and a haircut near the New Balance building.
OK, so now that we have than out of the way, hopefully the transition will go better. Rico will check back with more info as he thinks of it. Oh, and 2 TV's along with a DVR are a good idea as well...bump up to HD service if not already.
Have a great day...Love always,
Gears not gas...take the 2 mile challenge!!!
It appears he's moving here without having lined-up a job first.
I think "C" should look out for herself and stipulate that BF, prior to moving to Boston, look for jobs and land interviews, and then permanent live-in status comes when he actually lands a job. Cover letters can stipulate that he'll be in Boston during XYZ time frame for interviews.
By letting him move here without even having a job C is opening up the possibility that he could just move in and do nothing to support himself.
I'm sure BF is a wonderful guy, but as the motto of the British Boy Scouts says, "At all times be prepared."
I'm in the same situation! I am in grad school in DC and he is moving here for me. I'd appreciate any suggestions, especially how to handle it in the beginning when he really has no one in the city except for me
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
I think Meredith is right on with her advice: Make sure you have plenty of sympathy and empathy for your beaux. All the excitement of love and moving in together is so often derailed by the realities of life. But if perspective is maintained, than you two can push right though those tough situations. I imagine that he will go through periods of loneliness (no family, or male friends), and at these times he might seem "down", ill-tempered, or irrational at times. Whatever the outward sign of this uneasiness, there is a reason. So as you get ready for him to move in, think about how you can help the transition.
But in the end, like the first comment on the page, enjoy the joy of love, and let life happen.
He's giving up his job prospects, family, friends, and entire life just to be with you? When you've never spent any significant time together and don't even know how compatible you'll be? That sounds desperate and needy on his part. On the other hand, maybe you've spent enough vacations together to know that you're really made for each other--that's fine, but I'd try a trial period first. Try living together for a month, or a summer, or something like that, and see if it works, so that if it doesn't, he'll be able to climb out of the hole he's dug himself into.
If you can, try to hook him up with some job contacts, even if it is people who know people who know other people. If he doesn't get a job fairly quickly and earn his own way, I think your relationship will sink. Be encouraging and helpful and patient, but do not let the weeks drag into months and then discover he's been home playing video games most of the time. Not very romantic advice, but since making a living is pretty important for survival, it takes priority.
As far as getting along - sit down as often as you have to and discuss what each of you likes and dislikes, what your household skills are and how clean you want your place to be. Be flexible. Have fun getting to really know each other. -
Are you moving into a new place together? If he's moving into your place, make sure that it becomes a home for both of you. Redecorate, repaint, pull down some of your artwork, clear out half of the closets - or more, if necessary to make him feel at home.
Don't get lazy with romance. Schedule date nights. And plan for time apart too. As a veteran mover (11 cities before 28 yrs old and more within city moves), the best thing to do is to try to settle in as much as possible. If he relies on you for his entire support system, it won't work. You can help him, however, by researching his interests ahead of time and get him started on possibilities (e.g. sailing or crew on the Charles, yoga on the Common, art class at Boston/Brookline ed, churhces, etc.) Help him to love and explore Boston together - no need to inundate with tourist activities but see the special things around here with a leaf peeping trip, brewery tour, etc.
I moved to Boston from Baltimore for a relationship, after we had dated long distance for close to a year and a half. we are now married, so it definitely can work out! but i agree with Meredith, this isn't going to be easy at first. When i moved, i insisted on getting my own place (we weren't engaged and i had lived alone for nearly 10 years before then) and i made every effort i could to get out and find things i like to do on my own in Boston. It is KEY for him to establish himself here in Boston - i should note that i didn't move till i had a job which i would highly recommend he has before moving here. mine even paid to relocate me which was a huge bonus.
You should expect some pressure on your end since he's now done the hard part and moved his life, now it's your turn to support him while he's here. But at the same time, make sure he takes responsibility for making the decision to move as an adult and so that making a "go" of it is something that is a shared responsibility, not just yours.
I wish you lots of luck. I got engaged about 6 months after moving, and i hope you have the same success. It's normal to be nervous, so make sure you maintain your sense of humor and your ability to be patient through this transition.
I'll tell you, happy or not, I can't help but be nervous about him moving cold to Boston with no job contacts, in THIS local and national economy. Call it a hunch, but I think the biggest stressor is going to be his unemployment situation. And as for should they be living together right off the bat, how could they NOT? How could he afford a place in Boston with no job or get approved for a lease with not even a job prospect? I wish the writer had hinted a little more about this guy's financial situation and employability.
Don't get me wrong...I think exploring this is fine. But as Meredith said, manage the expectations. And right now, in this job market, don't expect him in a corner office in the Hancock building by week two.
Not sure, even at age 29, if I'd have a long-distance relationship move in with me. The LW and her BF haven't been together on a daily basis yet - to have someone move in without that day-to-day in-person contact could be/will be overwhelming for both - a MAJOR adjustment.
Both should manage their expectations as to how this will work. It probably won't be sunflowers, fairytales, and and rainbows. Not sure if it's a 1BR or 2BR (or more) apt. the LW has that he's moving into - but he should have his own space - even if it's a corner of a room where he can work on finding a job. Keep in mind that NOTHING in her house/apt. will be his. No furniture; no dishes - just the clothes on his back and a few sundries -- unless he is moving his furniture into storage nearby and they're planning on accommodating whatever possessions of his can fit into her place. Either way - a disruption of sorts for both.
Just go with the flow. Remember that it'll be a bit of an upheaval for both. Help him negotiate around Boston; help him with contacts for jobs, introduce him to friends, and good luck!
It sounds good! I'm glad to hear that you're actually DOING it, and not making up excuses as to why you shouldn't be doing it.
So many people are afraid of risk, of moving, of makin ga life change. It sounds like you are embracing it. Keep in mind, when you move in together, things won't be "new" for too long. It will be fu n, so embrace it, but realize when things settle, you will be in a routine with him, and hopefully you are okay with that. Plus, since he does not know anybody here, you need to be supportive of him meeting new people and maybe sharing your circle of friends to start out with.
If he's moving into your place (instead of, say, the 2 of you moving to a larger place together), beware of "territorial" issues. You're used to having *all* the closet space; now you won't....you're used to the dishes being put back in a certain place, or the laundry folded a certain way; now they might not be.....and it's tough to bear in mind that it's his place, too, now, as much as yours.
Best of luck,
Mistral -
My #1 piece of advice is to pick your battles.
I moved in with my then fiance/now husband 2 years ago. There are many things he does that annoy me, but you have to learn early on when to let things go and when to ask him to adjust his behavior. Also, be ready to reciprocate. There are things we do that drive them crazy too. Despite the fact that my husband is a slob (sorry babe), he hates it when I leave clothes on the bathroom floor. Who knew!It seems possible that your boyfriend will be clingy at first, since he doesn't know anyone else out here. Try to be understanding until he has gotten on his feet and made some of his own friends. Best wishes!
No job contacts here? Does this mean he doesn't have a job lined up? Will you be supporting him while he's job hunting? I hope not. Moving to a new area is really stressful. Moving to a new area with no support system other than a long-distance GF and with no job would be on-the-precipice scary. I know you can't plan for every eventuality and sometimes you have to let real life take its course, but the career thing is a big, big deal and finances (or the lack thereof) are the #1 deal breaker in relationships. Unless he has living expenses set aside for a few months or lands a new job pronto, I fear resentment may also take up residence in your apartment within a short time. Be sure you have a clear understanding of the total picture before he moves here. Love is grand, but two cannot live as cheaply as one, no matter what the movies say. All that said, best wishes for your happiness.
This is a recipe for disaster. It will be too much too fast. You haven't even lived within 1000 miles of each other before and now you're going to live under the same roof?? Good luck with that one!
A much better idea is for him to get his own place near you first. Get used to being in the same locale and seeing each other every day. Then if all hopefully goes well at that point, you can think about moving in together.
Take things a step at a time, not all at once!
I did a similar thing, moving to Texas from New England to follow a woman I had only been dating for a few months, but with whom I had fallen in love. It was the right thing to do, as I ended up marrying her. I would recommend against the move-in, though, in spite of your chemistry. You've never experienced your relationship with him outside of the long-distance context, so things are likely to feel different for a while. Each of you would benefit from having your own apartments/homes to escape to on occasion. If, after the first year, you are still in love, then you could try the cohabitation. But doing it right from the start could feel constricting.
Well the job situation is better here than many parts of the country. Most colleges have alumni groups all over the country - maybe his college/university has an alumni group here? Good way for him to meet people.
I think the transition will have its challenges, but in many ways it must be exciting to just up and move and "start over". Like Meredith said, keep realistic expectations. And good luck! It's so nice to read a letter like this.
It's not the big stuff; it's the little things that will tear you apart, like the other 1.5 times. Here's what I've learned:
1. Do not throw his favorite salt and pepper shaker away, no matter how greasy and disgusting it is. He will never forgive you.
2. Do not ask him where he's going every time he gets up from the couch.
3. Do not make fun of him when he Dust-Vacs the top of the stove. He hates crumbs more than he loves you.
4. Don't make fun of his boxer shorts. I learned the hard way: apparantly men are really sensitive about their undies. Who knew?
5. Don't try to shower with him. This is an invasion of privacy, and although I kind of knew this, apparantly men like to do "private" things in the shower.
6. Stock up on Comet cleaner. See #5. -
I did this once with a New York-London relationship. My boyfriend came to New York to be with me, and we lived in my studio apartment for a while. Meredith is right about expecting frustration--my boyfriend experienced plenty of it!
You'll learn a lot about this man when you see how he handles the stresses of the move. If he is good at taking care of himself, and making new friends and contacts, he won't be apt to take his feelings out on you. Unfortunately, my boyfriend wasn't this type, and we broke up. At the time, I thought he was the love of my life, and the dose of reality was a shock, although in retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened. If he couldn't handle the move constructively, there was no way he'd be able to weather other of life's stresses without making me suffer for it.
In any case, you can always explore the option of having him rent a room somewhere so that he has some space of his own if he needs it. Of course, he never has to use it, but at least it's there for him, which may be helpful psychologically. You might also ask him how he feels about couples counseling if you feel like you'll need it to help ease the transition.
Best of luck to you both--this will be a great adventure. If you handle it with open eyes, an open heart, and maturity, you'll do great.
It's not the big stuff; it's the little things that will tear you apart, like the other 1.5 times. Here's what I've learned:
1. Do not throw his favorite salt and pepper shaker away, no matter how greasy and disgusting it is. He will never forgive you.
2. Do not ask him where he's going every time he gets up from the couch.
3. Do not make fun of him when he Dust-Vacs the top of the stove. He hates crumbs more than he loves you.
4. Don't make fun of his boxer shorts. I learned the hard way: apparantly men are really sensitive about their undies. Who knew?
5. Don't try to shower with him. This is an invasion of privacy, and although I kind of knew this, apparantly men like to do "private" things in the shower.
6. Stock up on Comet cleaner. See #5. -
I'm sure at first you will include him in your social circle, but as he gets more comfortable here you should make an effort to separate some of your activities. If you have common interests feel free to do them together. But if you ski and he doesn't or he bikes and you don't, never hold each other back from doing things you enjoy. Join a social or outdoor club and encourage him to make his own friends. When you live together, it may be important to one or both of you to have alone time...or at least know that you can take it when you need it. Moving in is about two people coming together, not about two people becoming one unit.
Oh, and talk about money NOW. You need to be on the same page about finances or you will drive each other nuts. How free are you about spending? Savers and spenders living together are bound to have many fights.
C, I enjoyed your letter because I had the exact situation. I met my boyfriend a little over two years ago when we both worked together at the end of the summer I moved to Boston and he moved to Philly. We did the long distance thing for a year and last October he moved away from family and close friends to be with me. Meredith's advice was right on point to be patient and give him space. I can remember waiting at a restaurant for my boyfriend for over 30 mins because he got lost on the T. Give him time to fall in love with the city and just enjoy the closeness of having him around!!! Best of luck!
So many commenting on the job issue, and rightfully so. But I feel there's another issue that needs to be addressed. He's 1,000 miles away, placing him either in the south or the mid-west. He needs to become acclimated to what some see as New England coldness, and not the weather kind. We can be a reserved lot. He needs to know he shouldn't take it personally. Also, the Boston accents (yes, plural - there are more than 40 of them) - can be hard to decipher, even for those of us raised here.
Congratulations - a breath of fredsh air after yesterday's letter about moving in with an SO.
HE won't have a job yet? Man what a dirt bag! Kick that lazy bum to the curb as soon as he gets here! Then go out and find a nice latino man to sweat all over you.
P.S. Marie is a racist
Moving 1000 miles. No job, no job prospects. No family. No friends. Just you. It's a HUGE responsibility for you to be his everything. Plan on having the first month feel like a honeymoon, then do a reality check.... unless he's a real go-getter and has lots of energy to put into this arrangement...disappointment may set in. I honestly don't want to sound negative because it certainly can work, but I just hope you go into this with both eyes open. Even though I love Meredith's advice and get a kick out of the responses, you only need to listen to your own instincts. You'll know soon enough. I wish you a lot of good fortune.
I moved from Boston to NYC for my BF (now husband) w/ out a job several years ago. The first few months were very very tough. It all worked out, and I eventually fell in love w/ NYC. My BF was there for work, so he knew lots of people, but I had no job, no money and no friends. I drove him nuts those first few months. It was such a major adjustment . In the end it was the best thing I ever did. Good luck!
Wow, so many negative postings here!
I can't believe the number of excuses that people are coming up with, and the number of people that are so concerned about him getting a job. We don't know what he does, we don't know his financial situation. For all we know, he could have two years worth of living expenses saved up. Let's not worry about that right now.
I just say good luck, it should be exciting for BOTH of you, and hopefully it'll work out.
Sometimes people around here can be too "structured" to the point of tedium.
Does he currently have a job? Quitting to move in with you? This has bad news written all over it. He needs a job here before he moves in.
I was in this position myself about a year and a half ago. I think that living seperately might be a good idea to start things off. When you are in a LDR the time you spend with your partner can often seem like a vacation. When you move in together and things like work and errands get thrown into the mix and the vacation ends. This is going to be your reality from now on. Maybe your guy can find his own place temporarily or even get a roomate, it could help him meet people and establish his "own life" here so that you are not his only constant in what will be for him a new place. Best of luck.
I did this years ago. I was 25 then. I moved to San Diego for a woman. So a couple thoughts: 1st understand that the job market sucks right now (be patient for his employment to come around). Encourage temping so he has his own money, discourage the use of credit (Credit builds future money problems and leads to resentment - trust me on this one), so for the next two months encourage cheap dates, walks in the park, freedom trail, boat watching. That way you can talk and get to know each other on a personal level that doesn't involve a phone call or vacation together. It really does make a difference.
Fart in front of each other. It's funny..... thats all.
Its human too!Join a gym, you will need it. First year is tough and you want to vent your frustrations in the appropriate place... like the gym. This might be good for him too, it was for me!
Last, Please understand that if he doesn't have work, that it is okay to watch sportcenter continuously until noon. Guys just do that, women as a gender need to get past this.
Oh and most of all. Good luck! These are exciting things and great to get caught up in.
Sorry, but you are incorrect in classifying this as a "stable, warm, normal relationship". You have never lived closer than 1,000 miles from each other, right? Seriously, how much dating has there been? How often have you seen him, spent time with him? I would guess that it's been fairly limited. Perhaps 30 days total at most? Maybe you're both rich and have been jetting back and forth on a regular basis, but I doubt it. And now he's dropping everything to move in? No offense, but for me personally, this doesn't sound very well thought out.
I know you're enamored with the thought of him impulsively dropping from the sky and into your bedroom, but I think you should take a step back and reassess. If it were me, I would talk to him about getting established in the area first. Land a job. Get an apartment. You know, act like a grown up. Then you could get more involved in each other's lives first from the same area code, and then take further steps to progress the relationship if it continues to work out.
FYI: I suspect that your nervousness stems more from the fact that you and your soon to be dependent, are basically going "All in" at the poker table, than it has to do with your success (or lack thereof) with prior live-in partners. That part of your letter was irrelevant, in my opinion.
That's all the time we've got for today.
- Hoss
Rico here. This question is right in Rico's wheelhouse. Rico is going to take this one and run with it. Rico suggests that since he is moving to Boston, he should have a mistress on the side. Rico always likes to have a mistress for the lonely nights when he needs a little change of pace. Rico knows that moving somewhere for a chick can lead to resentment towards the dame. Rico thinks..... actually Rico knows that the best way to ease the tension is to let him be his own man, and have as many chicks as he wants. That's Rico's motto, and Rico knows all. Rico loves everyone... most of all, Rico loves himself, and loves to make himself grilled cheese sandwiches almost everday.
Love always,
Good morning people of the LL congregation - it is the Reverend again.
Let's open up to the first part of the LL Bible - LOVE, chapter six. It says here that long distance to same dwelling relationships CAN work if the people involved work hard to preserve harmony. The key word here is HARMONY. If there is no balance, no sense of togetherness, then the relationshiip is doomed to fail! When you are moving in with someone, whether they live across the street, across the country, or even across the world, you better know what you're getting into. You have to know that person very well or they will leave and your heart will be shattered into a million tiny pieces. So, now LW, please take the following advice as it is intended.
As the Lead Minister Meredith has pointed out, you need to manage your expectations. Do not cast the shadows of your previous experiences forth into your new relationship. More importantly, though it is a very trying time for everyone, be sure that he can find work to support you and your co-habitation arrangement. If you don't soon enough, you will regret bringing him into your place because he will certainly sponge off of you until then.
I urge you to see counsel from the other brothers and sisters here as they may have more insight to provide.
And all of the congregation says: Good luck.
-the Good Reverend
YIKES! this guy is moving here for you, and doesn't know anyone here? be careful, he is going to be a leach unless he has hobbies. Hopefully he gambles so he wont be around to bother you much
C - Happy for you but "dating" from a thousand miles away is not a normal relationship. This is not to say that figuring out how to be together forever is not a great idea but, having been there, I would strongly discourage moving in right away, He needs, for both your sakes, at least the seedling of his own life here before the move. He needs a full life here - job, friends - for you to even have a relationship. He needs his own space you can send him to or he can retreat to when, in the natural development of all truly normal relationships, a bit of separation is needed to let equilibrium re-establish itself.
Rico has this to add:
Rico had his now wife move in with him after dating for a while and one thing Rico did was to give her space in the bathroom and to stock up on items he thought would make her more comfortable. Guys just like women have certain things they like so find out what they are and do some shopping before he arrives. Does he have a toothpaste he likes? Shampoo? Soap? These small things will make life easier and show that you want him to be there with you.
As for the job part, Rico doubts this guy is going to be a leech like some seem to be thinking. Yes he needs to know about Monster.com, temp staffing agencies, recruiters, Linkedin, etc...and if he has half a brain he has already begun the search. Rico is more worried about his transition to new friends, food, etc...Boston is a very distinct area for food. We have quite a variety but at the same time it is very different from other parts of the world.
Does he have a car? Will you be living in the city or a suburb? How much space does the apartment/house have? Do you live alone right now? Be ready to think about moving someplace new and making a new home together if things work out. Rico thinks it will work out but remember to be very patient since he is new to everything just like a new puppy or a baby...he will need to explore and learn.
Rico will be checking back regularly today, have a nice afternoon.
Love always,
Is he moving here to be with you because he can't afford to live anywhere else and you will be a nice, cushy place to crash for a while? Beware the free-loader...
Wait, are you 29 or 12 years old? He sure sounds like he's 12. His plan basically is to fly into Logan with a duffle bag of clothes and crash on your couch? Even better, you signed off on it? Yikes.
I wish you the best, but please approach this with eyes wide open. You sound quite young and inexperienced for a 29 year old, judging from your writing 'I sort of lived with 2 guys before' and 'I love him to pieces comment'. The fact is that you have never lived in the same city, never mind co-habitated. Your letter left me wondering, in the year since you have dated exclusively, how much time have you actually spent together? Also, your chap is willing to give up his job, friends and family for you-Ain't love grand!..But is he independently wealthy? The economy and job market here are a nightmare right now. Couple this with the fact that this is also one of the most expensive areas to live in the US, and you are flirting with relationship disaster. Also, Boston is not warm and fuzzy like other parts of the US. Is he OK with that? Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas any more! How about having him take vacation (or leave of absence from work) and try an extended stay here in the Emerald City (or the Emerald Necklace at least) for a month or so. Then he can get a feel for Boston, interview for jobs and both of you can get a glimpse of what living together will be like. -
He sure can fill your heart but will he fill you BANK ACCOUNT?! Uh uh honey. Get yourself a real man with the cash to back himself up. Got it girlfriend?
You need to take a step or two back and make sure this man is for you. Have a few one-night flings with men of different ages, races, cultures. Go to any local watering hole with a low-cut top and the men will flock to you. Once you have sampled many, many more men, you will be less confused about your current man. It's really that easy.
I'm sure many of the concerns above are legitimate and come from life experience. But a realistic version of Happily Ever After does happen, so I'd say give that a chance.
Start drinking heavily or load up on the Valiums...you are making a huge mistake!!!
In a totally romantic world where people live happily ever after, this would be a perfect letter. You have been "dating" for a year living 1000 miles apart? That's not dating. That's romanticizing over the phone. I've been and there done that -- so have my friends -- it doesn't work. Whatever fantasy the two of you have conjured up for each other over the phone will never match up once you hit the day-to-day stuff and then you have all of the other pressures to deal with: no friends, no job, etc...
My suggestion is to have him move to Boston...to his own place. Help him find his way, but give him space to figure some things outDate him in person. Get to know him in person. Then decide.
Sooner or later –
You're going to (need) to talk about shared finances, shared and personal responsibilities, personal space, boundaries, short term and then onto long term plans,,,etc.
Enjoy the initial stage of the agreed upon situation and then talk about these aforementioned details later.
Life is about taking chances – some small, some risky, some unknowingly.
Hey, it's life….your living the experiences….All the best to you and yours
Maybe he can get a job as Rico's intern?
Hoss is boss.
Val is a great contributor also. Love the Seinfeld reference. Reading this letter reminds me of Elaine's long distance boyfriend coming over to stay with her and then her efforts to get his arse to the airport when it fails miserably.
Poor Rico is up to 4 or 5 comments per day in an effort to throw as much feces on the wall in hopes that something sticks. So sad.
1000 miles is huge - it's an adventure! That's how I would look at it anyway.
I moved from Boston to Warwick, RI (south of Providence) to be with my gentleman over a year ago, and I'll agree, it was aggrivating and depressing for months. I had no friends and a hard time finding a job in the state that was to lead the nation in unemployment! It didn't help that he was working two jobs so that we could make it. It would have been so easy to give up and go home if he hadn't been encouraging and supportive, understanding of my struggles with a new place. And I had to take on the role of housewife for a while, cleaning and making dinner (I can't melt cheese on a burger) to try to do my part.
A year later I've got as active a social calendar as I did up north, I'm showing him things around his town, and I'm not doing dishes anymore. We're happy to have gotten that experience, as tough as it was, because it brought us closer together.The moral of the story? Patience and persistence are virtues, and so is a good grilled cheese.
You said you're nervous about another live-in arrangement, since your two previous ones didn't go well. So why not be cautious, and delay living together? Let him get acclimated to Boston, find a job, etc. Then think about living together.
He could probably rent a studio if his parents co-sign the lease. Alternatively, you could start looking at the "roommate wanted" postings now and put him in touch with people by email before he gets here.
C, my guy and I were in a very similar situation where he was 1000 miles away and we were long distance for two years before he decided to take the plunge and move to Boston. When we decided to do this, however - we decided it would be better for him to find his own place and for me to maintain my apartment. A year after he had moved to the city and decided he loved it here, we moved in together and we have been happy cohabitating for 2 1/2 years.
So congrats and good luck! But definitely be careful. It might keep the pressure off a little if he lives in his own place for 6 months - 1 year before you guys decide to do the move in. -
My God there are some negative people out there. Moving to a new city and looking for a job isn't really that weird. They've been dating for a year, so this isn't a spur of the moment thing, either. I'd not really worry about the freeloader since he's not going to have friends to hang out with all day, drink beer and play video games with. He'll likely want to get out and get a job, just to get out of the apartment.
To the LW, since you have an open and honest relationship, I'd get the financial issues sorted out first. What's his expectation for getting a job? How will you split the bills, etc.
I'd also echo the other statements about making him welcome. Women seen to fill every closet available with shoes and clothes if they can (and then begin to branch out elsewhere and fill up plastic bins in storage areas). Make sure that he feels that he actually lives there -- which means putting his clothes in real furniture and not a collection of plastic bins.
Also talk about how (and when) things get cleaned up and what your standards for cleanliness are. Some people are slobs, others aren't. And some people are slobs about some things and not others.
DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!! This is a happy letter? How can you so blatantly set yourself up for failure? I'm crying as we speak. Obviously, the reason you're going to live together is for financial reasons. At their inception, I expect money is behind 70% of all shack-up arrangements. The other 30% are being held hostage and haven't filed a restraining order. Perhaps you could test your relationship before you set it ablaze. How about if he got himself a job and found a roommate situation? Then you could start dating in person as opposed to online and of the mind. That's why these relationships develop between incarcerated men and their freebird groupies. …There's no real life measure: "Love that hot spiderweb tattoo…btw, why do you shave your head?" Instead, you want to throw the cold cream into the hot oil. It's going to curdle! He won't be lost on 93 for long…Boston Cab is hiring.
1. Get a new place together.
2. Let him have a man cave.Number 2 might seem like only he is getting something out of this. But trust me, the peace of mind this creates for you is priceless!
"He should expect..."
...that he will will have a difficult, if not impossible, time making friends. Having lived here for five years after moving to the area, I would say this is the one thing that could break your relationship. Unless he is extremely outgoing and gregarious, he may have no one but you to spend time with. You need to recognize this and manage it appropriately - whether it be inviting him out with you and your friends, or making sure you spend a lot of time with just him and that your friends won't chastise you for it (which women seem to do, though men don't).
Boston is a very tough town, but more than anything Meredith mentions, it is socially challenging.
"...move in with me."
That's an important point. C, you won't be living togther. He will be a permanent guest - using your stuff, invading your space, etc - until you create a home together.
There may be a lot of tension and resentment.
Have a very long conversation with him and design an alliance on making it work. Put the work in before he arrives. Iron out all the details, each of you expressing exactly what you'll need in terms of support, etc.
- Rick
I don't think people are being overly negative, as has been commented by a few. Precarious job/financials situations and questionable living arrangements with someone you admit you haven't spent much extended in-person time with ARE extremely difficult life situations to deliberately get yourself into. Of course it can work, but it's not moonlight and roses. Yet the LW seems to write with a starry eyed innocence of someone who really believes it IS moonlight and roses. Like I said earlier, I wish she had included a bit more about his financial situation. I don't think it's out of line to examine that VERY pertinant piece of info.
Remember, C, the comments here are more about the commenters' own experiences and belief systems than they are about you. If someone lives by fear, they will tell you about the negatives. If someone has had positive experiences with long-distance turned live-in love, they will be optimistic and give you practical advice. (They are the most helpful to you right now.) I commend you for taking the risk. Life should be lived, not feared, so go for it!
Only do this if you are okay with the idea that it could take him over a year to land a steady job. That's how long it is taking many people, who are local and know the job market better, right now. That doesn't mean he has to be a freeloader. There are lots of couples where one brings home the bacon and the other fries it up in the pan. Is he okay being the bacon-fryer?
I would establish some basic expectations that while he is unemployed he is responsible for cooking, cleaning, errand-running, laundry. That way, he feels he is contributing in a meaninful way, and you don't feel taken advantage of by a leach. Also, this gives him reasons to get out and about each day instead of languishing at home - to pick up your dry-cleaning, buy your favorite non-fat yogurt at the grocery store, take your car to the garage to figure out what that ping is.
He is going to need reasons to get out of the house instead of sleeping in all day long, and waiting anxiously by the door like a lonely puppy for your arrival. I think your biggest challenge may be that you will start to feel overly responsible to be his family, his friend, his tour guide, his entertainment - his everything - not just his lover.
Unless he is a #1 slob. In which case, your biggest challenge may be that. Have you seen his current apartment? Is he neat, or slovenly? It's important that you two see eye to eye on this. Two neat-freaks or two slobs go together better than a neat-freak and a slob. I cannot tell you how many of my friends are extremely unhappy in their otherwise perfect marriages, because their husbands don't notice dirt like they do.
Otherwise, the secrets to happy living under the same roof are:
1) Always close the bathroom door.
2) Never, ever fart in front of each other - it's NOT funny, and it's definitely not sexy.
3) Remember to say please and thank you. Manners count, big-time.
4) Don't insist housework be done your way.
5) If you tend towards cold feet, put socks on before entering the bed.
6) Yes, you DO snore - thank you for seeing a doctor about that.
7) There is room for yours, mine and ours.
8) Be laid back and forgiving.
9) Men: put the toilet seat down and don't hog the remote
10) Women: he's not a mind-reader and it doesn't matter how the socks are foldedClosing with anecdote (stop reading if you hate those): I have a really hard time living with anyone - man or woman. Love, unfortunately, isn't always enough. I have lived with other men in the past and learned that it's not enough. Heck, even my family, my closest, dearest friends, drive me crazy after a few days!!
My husband and I lived together before marrying, and I knew I was doing the right thing because it was so EASY living with him. It's the little things. We see eye-to-eye on the level of cleanliness we want, and how often we should eat at home versus go out. We're both night people. Around the house he likes to do the tasks I don't care for, and vice versa. He says please and thank you and appreciates - even after all these years - all the little things I do for him, and vice versa. And, in our case, we both love our city of Boston and wouldn't ever consider living anywhere else. I hope for you and your boyfriend you find the same. You really won't know what it's like to live with him, until you try. Good luck!
"Please Come to Boston, She Just Said, Nooooo" Haiku
Boyfriend extracted
Like a fetus from its womb
Are you lactating? -
Hoss is 100% wrong and an idiot. He is obnoxious, condescending and outright stupid. Listen to your heart, be smart, be open, be yourself. You love him, he loves you and you want to be together...Enjoy it and live your lives and everything will work itself out. Be realistic and courteous and patient with one another.
John Stamos (28): Marie (#7) is a racist? Huh?
M hit it outta dah pahk again. Take her advice. Good luck and I hope you and your guy spend the rest of your lives in loving bliss, peace, happiness, and prosperity!
1. You need 2 bathrooms. Men poop all the time. You don't realize how many times men poop until you live with them. If you don't have 2 bathrooms then look for a new apartment together.
2. I definitely think your apartment needs to be large enough that you are not right on top of each other, preferable 1000sq+
3. Get a maid
4. Your guy doesn't seem like a loser, so I'm sure he'll find a job and make new friends in no time. -
Bob Dwyer is Hoss under another name? Do you actually have anything to say to help the letter writer or are you just more interested in talking about what others say or do? I know Rico won't stoop to your level because Rico loves all but I hope he reads this and knows that I stuck up for him.
To those of you suggesting he live on his own to start here, hello we are in a recession. It is the right time to be living with someone, not renting a second place while looking for work and new friends in a new city. If I were moving somewhere it would be a great help to have aplace to stay as I got my feet on the ground. What if it doesn't work out? He has a lease for a year and no job or friends and an ex-girlfriend? Be realistic, move in together and if it works (I think it will) great and if not then he moves out to his own place or back to wherever he came from.
Nowhere in the letter does she mention him being penniless so to assume so is just dumb and shortsighted. She loves the guy, he loves her and wants to move here to be with her. That takes some initiative and if I had a job for him I would hire him in a second with those attributes.
Follow your heart and good things will come to you. Don't listen to an angry troll like hoss or bob dwyer or dr k, they are useless losers desperate for attention.
I got your back Rico, I'd be your wingman anytime. See you at Bike Friday?
I would be very wary of this... remember you are the only thing in Boston he knows and wants. He has no friends of his own, and no life of his own in Boston. It is likely in situations like this that he will cling to you and your friends. You need to ask yourself what is going to happen if you break up. He moved to Boston for YOU. What happens if you get sick of him, or realize after living with him a while that the romance just isn't there and/or you are annoyed by him. Do you have issues with people who cling to you or don't give you enough space? If so you might feel confined by him. Consider all of this.
I also would ask you to consider the true reason you are attracted to him and the relationship. There is much novelty that comes with long distance relationships. They feel powerful, and invigorating becuase after all that travel and effort the reward is seeing each other. It's like a game... it's unique and if you take that novelty away, you must ask yourself honestly if you think you'll still feel the same way about him.
I can tell you from experience that these arrangements have a HIGH rate of failure. And you must always be willing to honestly question your motivations in such relationships. Also, breakups in these situations are BITTER BITTER BITTER because usually the person who didn't move initiates the breakup. This is likely becuase that person is rooted in their location and values other things in their life. Those who are willing to just pack up and move across the country aren't rooted and are searching for something they don't have. They tend to be needy and clingy, and this man COULD have all his eggs in one basket for his happiness... YOUR basket. In my experience, you can't derive all your happiness from one person. You need to be happy with many aspects of your life, including friends, family, career, hobbies etc.
If you do go through with this... for the sake of you, him and the relationship... insist that he makes some of his own friends... encourage him to take up hobbies you don't share with him. Make sure he gets out of the house and has a life of his own. It will bring the two of you closer together and it will maintain your unique identities. Afterall...remember, you fell in love with each other based on the people you were when you met. When one or more in a couple cease to participate in the lives that made them who they are, and exclusively focus on the relationship only, they become shadowy figures of who they used to be. You'll likely argue and bicker and eventually the little arguments are what kills an otherwise happy relationship.
Good luck!
21 years ago, my husband moved from Ireland to be with me. 18 years of marriage and 2 children later, it can work! Good luck!
#64 and others, there is a reason why LW is writing in and why the thought of what is about to happen (i.e. her boyfriend leaving everything behind and moving into her apartment) makes her "nervous". There are realities of life that extend beyond folks patting you on the back and saying "Enjoy it...everything will work itself out" and other trite cliches.
It's not being "negative" to suggest that the LW and her boyfriend at least consider the current economy, job market, and the radical change from LD to under the same roof.
Moving for you with no job may sound romantic, but there is a strong chance that the reality will be different. As adults, we all have a responsibility to hunt and gather, no matter how much we happen to euphemize these basic activities in the modern context. In other words, he needs food, clothing and shelter like everyone else. If he cannot find a job, who will he depend on for his physical, mental, and social sustenance, in addition to the romantic kind? I see love as interdependent, rather than just dependent. A delicious dance of equals. That said, I wish you the best. We all love stories like this when they have happy endings.
I got a beauty from NY to move to Boston to be with me after only knowing each other for two weeks!
Granted it was through a mutual friend and the only reason she came two weeks before September 1st was so we could get to know each other and search for an apartment - late, I know.
Now we're super hott for each other and we're moving into a one bedroom apartment together. I'ma marry her.
I got a beauty from NY to move to Boston to be with me after only knowing each other for two weeks!
Granted it was through a mutual friend and the only reason she came two weeks before September 1st was so we could get to know each other and search for an apartment - late, I know.
Now we're super hott for each other and we're moving into a one bedroom apartment together. I'ma marry her.
I got a beauty from NY to move to Boston to be with me after only knowing each other for two weeks!
Granted it was through a mutual friend and the only reason she came two weeks before September 1st was so we could get to know each other and search for an apartment - late, I know.
Now we're super hott for each other and we're moving into a one bedroom apartment together. I'ma marry her.
Greetings to one and all in that mighty name of "Jesus". Each Christian of whom know him in the power of His resurrection...or, maybe I should say...those who are well acquainted with the fact, that He truly did come back from the dead...also appeared to his disciples.
Thomas was invited by Jesus to feel the nail prints within His hands. So, those who also have been convinced by only having His spirit to convince them, having never had the opportunity to feel the nail prints in his hands, as did Thomas: Jesus said blessed are those who have seen and then believed, but greater are the blessings that rest upon those who have never seen, but still believe.
I am a full time writer and an ordained minister. I have written three books so far. My first book: Reviving the dead church, by reminiscing the day of Pentecost. The second one is: Beyond the Golden Sunset and by the Crystal Sea. My third book: Off to visit the Prophet Elijah, on this one, the contract to publish has been completed and soon the book will be published.
Warm regardsWilliam Dunigan
www.eloquentbooks.com/BeyondTheGoldenSunsetAndByTheCrystalSea.html -WW
Like I always say "Life is one big crapshoot" - go for it.
C, I had a situation very similar to yours, and it worked out really well for me. My girlfriend (now wife) moved here over 5 years ago, and we've been married for the last 3.
I think your boyfriend needs to have a plan once he comes here. When my wife moved to Boston, she was already enrolled in a graduate degree program. That gave her an instant set of her own friends that she could use as an outlet. Your boyfriend needs to get his own life in Boston, so he can feel more independent and you don't feel that he's an anchor that you're dragging around everywhere you go.
As far as living together, that we never a problem for us. I made a concerted effort to make her feel that "my place" was now "our place."
Good luck!
Not that you need to be told, but your relationship is about to change dramatically and neither of you can say whether it will be for better or worse. You have not had the benefit of spending lots of uninterrupted time together and so you have no way of knowing what your relationship will begin to look like when you are suddenly thrust together constantly. And it WILL be constantly, since he knows absolutely no one else apart from you and your network.
It's really easy to maintain an intensely romantic 'spark' when you are far away from someone. In many ways, it's like a perpetual honeymoon phase. You get to re-learn about each other every time you come together, which keeps the relationship fresh and exciting. The sex is fantastic and you're super eager to please one another.
The two of you have no idea what's going to happen when the honeymoon ends. Will that spark remain or will it fizzle out after a few months or a year? Are your everyday behaviors and habits even compatible? Can you tolerate the irritating quirks we all have that only time and proximity can reveal? You have no way of knowing these things.
Add to it the money situation and you've got a potential recipe for disaster. If he can't get a job for a long time, are you prepared to support him? Has he agreed to take on a menial job or jobs he may not necessarily want in the event that he simply can't land his dream job? I hope these are things you've discussed and are prepared to deal with.
Personally, I think it's a dumb idea. But hey, dumb ideas do tend to work out from time to time, so there's always a chance. My only advice is to make sure the two of you have a serious back up plan for all of the things that could possibly go wrong rather than pretend they don't exist and simply wait for them to rear their ugly heads.
Then again, could we take a hint from Greek tragedy? Think of Jason and Medea, or Ariadne and Theseus, and how those LDRs worked out. One woman ends up being abandoned on a beach; one man ends up with his second wife in flames. I hope the L/W's love is not such a flawed hero, and being daughters of a royal house does not mean protection from cads.
Go for it!
From personal experience, My boyfriend and I started dating while he was in his 4th year of Med school. I was settled and had a career, and he was jetting to a new location every month for rotations. Our relationship was inevitably long-distance.
We absolutely adore each other and had the exact same kind of warm, normal, loving, caring relationship as you describe. A couple months before his graduuation we decided that I would move to Texas with him (where his residency is) ad that we would give our relationship the opportunity to really grow and blossom.
We made the move together and it has been WONDERFUL. Granted, it has had it's ups and downs. There have been frustrations, annoyances, hurdles, obstacles, etc. But there has also been a deep growth between us and our love. We can't imagine not seeing each other everyday and being able to spend each day together. We have become integral parts of each others lives and it is absouletly amazing.
The most important advice I can give, and the thing that WE remind each other when times get tough and we hit a rough patch is the fact that we are here for each other, and for 'Us'. We're a team. We remind each other that regardless of what hardships and obstacles we may face, we have each other and if we never forget what it is about the other person that we love and cherish so much, you can overcome it all.Keep your eye on the prize, and never lose sight of whats important.
You and your boyfriend.
C - Don't listen to those who are saying you're making a mistake. It absolutely CAN work. I have done it. I lived in a different state and moved to Boston to be with him. No friends, family, job, and I knew pretty much nothing about Boston. We had only dated for 6 months, seeing each other every couple of weeks or so. I'm sure there will be some tough times for you both, but hopefully you're able to work through them and be okay. It sounds like you've known each other for quite some time, so I really wouldn't be worried.
Wishing you the best!!
Wow! Can I be your boyfriend too?!?!?! There is NO WORK ANYWHERE around here. So basically you will be supporting him; and your reward for going to work all day, will be him sitting around getting stoned playing XBOX and/or banging all your hot neighbors and friends. You guys have not lived together and have been on "Long Distance Party Manners", this will have all kinds of unforeseen circumstances and conflicts. What did PT Barnum once say?...
Wow! So much negativity today! I love the idea that your BF is moving to be with you. I would have him try to do the job search thing, as much as possible, before arriving in Boston. Some leads may help him settle in. I know my husband was antsy when unemployed.
Second, I think that as long as you both know there's going to be an adjustment period, you'll be fine. There will be little things that annoy you like the toilet seat being left up, perhaps he pushes the toothpaste from the top instead of the bottom, or some other little things like that.
I wish you loving bliss, happiness and prosperity. Just know that there will be that adjustment period where you'll need some time and space.
Best of luck!
First off - Sally.....You rock!
If he flops his sleeping bag and backpack on the couch and starts hanging Star Wars posters all over the house, then you may have some problems.
Otherwise, remember it ain't going to be easy. I hope it does work for you both.
Please write back here in 3 months and let us all know how things worked out.
Seriously. Congratualtions and best of luck---- but be careful.DrK
Valentino...given today's headline in Worcester? VERY tacky haiku. Bring back the harmless song lyrics.
Meow. -
I was in the same situation 4 years ago when my boyfriend moved 500 miles, into my studio apartment, sans job. If there are any professional organizations in his field in Boston have him join - that's how my bf found work within a month of moving. And find some fun, low-cost date things to do (a picnic in the park or going for happy-hour drinks some place) so you enjoy being in the same city finally. We've been happily married for three years now - it can definitely work out!
I don't think I've ever read anything more offensive (#63). Doesn't anyone edit these posts? -
you have been dating a guy 1000 miles away, thats not a normal, stable relationship.
my advice , don't have him move in, you really dont' t know each other
This is the best advice you will get on this thread.
If he doesn't already have one, buy him a GPS unit for his car. It will save you hundreds of phone calls asking for directions to places you've never been.
I had a GF move here from Calif. She wasn't exactly thrilled when she got the gift(she was expecting something more romantic) but later she raved that it was the best gift she ever got.
Then relax and have fun showing him Boston.
I don't think I've ever read anything more offensive (#63). Doesn't anyone edit these posts? -
I think the whole job issue shouldn't be as much of a factor people are making it out to be. He has a far better chance of landing a job if he's living here. And what if he decided to take that advice, not make the move until he lands a job. What if he was never able to land a job because he's so far away and the long distance relationship went on with the expectations of them eventually living in the same area and this did not happen. Do they give up on their love or let the relationship fizzle because of a stupid job? "Yeah we called it quits because he couldn't find a job in order to move here." That's just dumb. Trust me they will make it work if it's really love and he'll be able to find a job. At first it may not be a job he likes but he'll be able to find something whether it be a temp. job or a job in the service industry he'll be able to find something. I'm about to do the same thing and pick up and move to San Diego although not for love. I've had the California dream for as long as I can remember and I'm finally acting on it. I've applied to a number of jobs and got some responses back but in the end most employers would rather not take the chance on an out of state resident. They all said if I really want to move and live there I should just do so and then job search.
Please don't have him move in with you right off the bat. You met only a year ago and recently started "dating" long distance. In other words .. you don't really know his habits and vice versa. If he has no job here .. even worse. You will be footing the bill for everything.
Have him take a step back, look for a job here then his own apartment. Live apart for a while and see how things go. After several months to a year of him getting to know Boston and you a bit better you can both decide if living together is the logical next step.
Evidently Anecdotal evidence is a little (lot) ridgid, or just cold, puritanical (my spelling could be jack up there!),or just living with a lot of shame!
Farting is, YES IS, funny. When was Jim Carrey not funny!!! And when you get older and have a daughter, it is even funnier when she toots, smiles and giggles out a "I farted" with a boston accent. We wouldnt have the joy of rolling around on the floor laughing about this if we taught her that farting wasn't funny but it was shameful and something only to be done in private.
And by the way living together does not need to be sexy all the time, that is a rediculous assumption if anyone is living with that burden!!!
But then again we also have an open door policy on the Bathroom and as a result our daughter was fully potty trained before she was 18 months old. We did nothing other than tell her that is what this room is for. She decided that she wanted to be like mommy and daddy.
I could rebut all of her 10 things, but it is not fun, I don't want to pick on her style tastes. Mine are different, and much more accepting of people as a whole.
I will say that my manners are polished with the precision of military officers , but in a fun and loving relationship the only thing that is truly needed is that each person doesn't take advantage of the other. At all times protect and revere your relationship, good ones are precious!
I can't imagine anyone not feeling somewhat, if not extremely repressed under anecdotal evidences 10 rules. I do hope I am wrong and you can manage #8 and you are laid back and forgiving.
Sorry you can Blame me for going off topic. If you want to do this, then love it and embrace the adventure and challenge and most of all don't regret the effort you put in.
Don't let negative/bitter people get to you! The same situation happened to me years ago and everything worked out great! He got a job and we are now engaged. I remember people telling me are you crazy? Thank goodness I didn't listen to them! If you risk nothing you get nothing!
OK, the guy wants to move to Boston so he can spend more time with you. And you want that too. Fine. But living together at your place sounds a little crazy. There is a point where "just let life happen" becomes "how did I get into this mess" and that point is just around the corner for you.
Break it down. Week two of your third cohabitation. You leave for work in the morning. As you head out the door, he is hunched over his coffee in the kitchen in his boxers "reading" the classifieds. He grabs the remote and crashes on the coach as soon as you close the door. When you come home after work, there he is. All dejected and down because he spoke with no one all day. And the 250 resumes he sent out (thanks for helping with that!) have gone no where. To cheer him up, you take him out to dinner again. After two beers he tells you about the call he had with his mother earlier in the day and she needs an answer about Thanksgiving. Are we going or not? After paying the bill, you head home and go to bed, while he hits the coach tunes in Conan, because he can't sleep.
#68: "I know Rico won't stoop to your level because Rico loves all but I hope he reads this and knows that I stuck up for him."
Translation: Rico writing about Rico in his own posts but unwilling to put 'Rico' as the author.
To the Letter writer, what is the real reason that you are so nervous about this? There's got to be more to it.
Two days in a row, I get bad press from angry posters complaining that I am an angry poster?
What did I do? I mean, other than having a beer with Hoss at Rico's place.DrK
Have him get a job first, then move in. Otherwise you WILL be supporting him entirely.
Perfect segue from yesterday's letter of my ex girlfriend must move here from another country dammit even though I don't love her and only feel warm and fuzzy like a good puppy dog :-)
Regarding this letter....my ex moved across country for me and we went from a brief long distance dating to living in a tiny studio together. He had a ton of other issues (including alcoholism that I didn't see when dating), so it ended up not working out, but since you already have lots of history from your years of being friends first and then boyfriend/girlfriend, sounds like this could work out. Only caveat I would say is....make sure he's indeed coming to you for the right reasons and not to escape something. If his life has been stagnant and he's escaping responsibilities there, then make sure you're not the oasis in the desert. Otherwise, he will drag you down. If though he's had a fulfilling life living where he's been and he's not escaping anything, but making a mature decision to be with the one he loves, then a good sign. I see some have suggested you help him find a job, but in this era of electronic communications, you really don't need to. If he has a solid work history, he can be making his own contacts through facebook, linkedin, and twitter. I'm sure he knows somebody that knows somebody that knows somebody that lives in the Boston area. He can also be using boston.com, monster, and a ton of other job sites to look for Boston jobs. Obviously, you can assist with getting word out to your network as well, but HE should be taking primary responsibility to find his job.
Other than his job search, make sure you have open communication before and after he gets here regarding expectations...not just of the relationship, but of the household issues. Will he be paying half the rent/mortgage? When does it start...as soon as he moves in? when he gets job? Will he find a fill-in job if he can't find his dream job in his field within a few weeks/months? What about other bills (cable/phone/etc)? If you expect him to pay half, does he know how much that is? What are his plans to meet other people and socialize? Do you have faith that he won't look to you for his full social life or is he someone independent who has a range of interests that can have a balance of independence/coupleness? If you are confident that you have open communication and will continue to do so, and he's not escaping anything, and the two of you are clear on where this relationship is going and not just kickin' it to save money, then I say go for it. There are no guarantees with everything, but as long as good thought is put into it and both people have good intentions, even if it doesn't work out for the long haul, it should be a positive experience for both of you.
@anecdotal evidence - which of these things is not like the others? I'm picking number 8. Do you iron your sheets and secretly wish you were Martha Stewart?
I think the reality that everyone is sharing is good, but if you let all their negativity get you down before you begin, you are doomed. As Meredith said manage expectations, but still enjoy each other.
Also, it is now his place, too. I realize that you aren't married, and if he doesn't have a job, he may not be able to help with the rent. So technically this isn't true, but don't hold it against him. He's giving up a lot, including his home. He needs to feel like he truly has a new one. As others have suggested, be sure he has his own space, his own stuff, and be ready to let him have some control over the style of the place.
The job thing is my biggest concern. Not necessarily because of money, but because that's where we spend so much time, and make so many connections outside of the home. Also, to some extent we are defined by our jobs. His ego may take a beating if he becomes defined as only your BF. I hope for you both your sakes he can find something relatively quickly.
At some point in a relationship, long distance needs to end, so I do think this is a reasonable step for you and him. I hope it works out.
Holy cow! You are dating a jobless wedding crusher. Ok, that's not my concern for you. The concern is that on your writing I don't read a sense of real excitement. Maybe it is because the two failed instainces before, but still there is a possibility that you are not ready for this level of commitment with this guy. You should pay attention to how you really feel and don't make it third time a charm just because.
The answer to your question is simple: be yourself. That is the only way to make
living-together work. Trying too hard to make something work usually make it worse.
Consciously trying creates tension which will make both of you uncomportable.Don't worry about the logistics. Moving to a new place and finding his surroundings pose no stress on any normal guy. He is not a baby. Don't take away from him the fun and excitement of exploring a new place on his own.
"Do you and the readers have any advice for me about how to live together successfully"---------
No. No. No.
I am a strong proponent AGAINST living together.
Too many relations SKIP the getting to know eachother stage, that means lots of time spent together intermixed with SPACE! Something this generation seems to hold no value. Many a promising relationship has been ruined by moving in TOO SOON. Dating someone for a few years is perfectly adequate for knowing if you are marriage material. Statistics prove it. Even of modern couples of today. Massachusetts has the lowest divorce rate in the nation, and of those who have a strongest marriages eve in this state, are those who abstained from cohabitating before marriage. After dating a few years, knowing eachother very well, coming home from you honeymoon to your new home together for the first time is an exciting and thrilling jolt. A wonderful fun way to start a marriage. If you've survived years of courtship, with lots of together time, spend lots of time over eachother's places, you are fine, just fine, as far as how you will relate when you finally cohabitate as man and wife. This generation needs to stop robbing themselves of romance, and stop overburdening their relationships too early.
Assuming you date this man for the next two years on your way to wed, in that time, there may be many fights, misunderstandings, even possibly some breaks where you do not speak for a few weeks or possibly months. That is FINE! That is the getting to know eachother, and yourself, stage.
NOTHING allows someone to cool off, imagine life without someone, reflect on their own behavior ,than doing so in your own apartment. Imagine that peaceful state of reflectoin after a fight, while the person you are mad at is 10 feet from you watching sports TV. Instead of having time and space to reflect, you will boil with anger at his presence. What KILLS relationships is to mix cleaning the bathroom with courtship. Have you no romance in you? It's important. Very important. Many married couples lose their marriages due to a lack of romance. THIS is the dating stage. DATE. Do not argue about taking the trash out now! Build a foundation before you add life's stresses to them.
Tell him you are very excited about him coming, but have him get his OWN PLACE!!!! STay over however many days during the week you wish, but keep your own place!!!!! You will put MUCH LESS stress on a relationship in allowing it to mature if you allow yourselves your own space, your own places to live.
Couples who cohabitate have MUCH higher divorce rates. More often they marry due to intertia, not because cohabitating helped them learn anything. In fact, it suffocates your ability to learn, reflect, self examine.
Don't do it. Send him these reasons why. Tell him you WANT it to work and for that reason ,you want to keep your own places.
Good luck.
A year ago, I was in similar shoes, and I agree with everyone about the GPS! And also that he should find some clubs or professional organizations to join. Hopefully, he's already looked up a few online.Job stuff aside, I recommend giving a lot of thought to boundaries, physical and otherwise, before he moves in. Make sure you talk about them. Will he get a set of car keys? Will he automatically be invited to all your family events? What about your weekly night with friends? Will you each get a closet? What do you feel comfortable lending out? What do you like to do that you refuse to compromise? It can be tempting to share everything with someone you love, from apt. space to activities to friends (trust me, we've tried). But you have to allow for individuality, too, because you love them as a person, not as a doormat/taskmaster/nag/bad roommate.
I had to reclaim some of my stuff and personal time after the first year living with my boyfriend. Now, we're both happier. Living with him has been one of the toughest but most rewarding things I've ever done.
Just to be clear...you are allowing a jobless, friendless man to move into your home because you really, really like each other? Sounds like a mature, well thought out decision. I'd wish you good luck, but I don't think you'll need it.
Agree Val you should be ashamed of yourself for that reference.
I agree with Meredith and Caroline
I would suggest maybe him getting his own place? It might make the transition smoother and less "pressure" on the "couple", he can get his own job (assuming he plans to), and make some of his own friends as well. the space of his own place may be beneficial for you both.
Agree, Val, your free speech right should be censored due to complete coincidence.
He is a doctor, dentist, CPA, Lawyer? We don't know. He may very well get a job the moment he lands here or maybe he just starts his own business. We don't know.
He wants to come move in with her by his own suggestion. She wants him to move in but wasn't sure how to ask. Sounds like two people that want to live together.
She only wants to know how to help the transition from bf/gf 1,000 miles apart to living together.
Read the letter carefully, she is nervous because it is her first time living with a bf that she loves and loves her back.
GPS, I think Rico said it first. He is a very wise man.
I really want to add this after wishing you good luck a moment ago - I don't want to rain on your parade, but you have dated this guy for quite a while, right? You have met his family and friends, right? If not, having him moving-in is a big no-no. If you don't know much about him, then he could be either: your prince charming or simply a jobless drifter looking for free room and board and some free sex on the side.
Good luck -
Yo Grey Hairs, did you cut & paste that from the three previous times that you've given your "I am a strong proponent AGAINST living together" lecture? Next time, bring the abridged version. Oh, and maybe you can wow us with the joys of living alone with multiple cats speech that you've convinced yourself of, too.
Disclaimer: This post is in honor of DudeGuyKidBuddyBroHomey who outdid himself today. Well done.
Be amused! He is going to have habits, and they may not match with what you visualize. There will be a learning phase where you need to let him just do his thing and observe. How long does it take him to get ready to go out? Does he prefer doing dishes or putting them away? Does he want bathroom privacy or does he think its okay if you wander in at anytime? At some point some things will go from amusing to endearing, and others will go from amusing to annoying, but none of that has to happen on the 1st day.
Give him space to be himself. Take space to be yourself. GO OUT! He needs to form his own friendships and contacts. Let him have the space to do that.
I hope everything works out!
Dear C,
Without having read any of the other comments, I will give you my advice. I am on your boyfriends side of the situation. I lived in Seattle my whole life and after dating my Fiance for over a year decided to move here to Boston to be with him. It was the best decision I have ever made. It was his idea for me to move, but I did not object. I knew he was the one for me so I did it even though everyone told me I shouldn't. Your boyfriend being the one to suggest it is great because you know he really wants to, instead of him just doing it because you want him to. Follow your hearts and go for it! I did and I 'm engaged to my best friend. Good luck to you both! -
A few grey hairs - - Yeah, yeah, we've heard your anti-cohabitation schtick before. Links, please?
C -- You and your friend enjoy the wonderful life ahead of you. Don't listen to the naysayers. And if he can't get a job - there's always grad school to bide the time (oh yeah, and to acquire new skills, right, I forgot that some amongst the Boston dot com boards don't believe in education for education's sake - not referring to you or your BF, C).
As for val's haiku, far less offensive than that crazy evangelist (77). 97 & 93 - Lighten up. val may not even have read the papers by the time of his posting.
You're all wrong. She should call him right now and say that she's changed her mind. She's going to quit her job and go to Chicago to move in with him. See what he says and then, and only then, will you know his motives.
Make sure to keep a Attorney on retainer for the much Anticipated Restraining Order you will be seeking against him 1 to 2 years down the line.......
Posted by William Dunigan #77: Preachers and proselytizers go to another column, this isn't your space.
The thing that concerns me the most about your situation is the job market. Not knowing your beloved's marketable skills and how that fits into the current Boston area economy, how long it will take for him to become gainfully employed, and what type of slush funds he has to bridge the gap are all unknown to us.What if he began his job search from his current location then came to stay with you for three weeks for interviews and job searching? This would give you both an indication of what to expect. Of course, if he has a trust fund, then scratch that idea and go with the flow. I would begin the dialogue of household and financial arrangements, chores, cooking, and get some day-to-day responsibilities ironed out. There are plenty of Pink Slip Parties, networking opportunities available now, so he needs to be available to take advantage of those events. I agree with other posters, financial-job-job market issues are VERY important and can not be underestimated.


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Kate Lowrie
Joint Nursery Manager
Kate Lowrie is the Joint Nursery Manager and has been with Blackburne House Nursery for over 16years. Kate has NNEB and behaviour Management Qualifications. Kate's favourite thing about her job is the feeling of a big extended family at Blackburne House, a second home almost!
Debi Harnick
Joint Nursery Manager
Debi Harnick is Joint Nursery Manager and has worked at Blackburne house for over 7 years. Debi holds NNEB, Safer Recruitment, Behaviour Management and Safeguarding qualifications. Debi loves her job sharing role and working alongside her team.
Karen D'Arcy
Deputy Nursery Manager
Karen D'Arcy is the Deputy Nursery Manager and holds NVQ Level 3, City & Guilds Level 2 Safeguarding Children & Young People. Karen finds the most valuable thing about her job is seeing how rewarding it is to make a difference to someone else's life, not only for the children but their families and communities.
Sarah Deakin
Nursery Supervisor
Sarah Deakin is the Nursery Supervisor and Health & Safety Officer. Sarah holds and NVQ Level 3 finds her job most rewarding when working with all different staff and children whilst learning new skills and gaining new experience along the way.
Kaylie Lawson
Nursery Nurse
Kaylie Lawson is a Nursery Nurse holding a Cache Level 3 and is the Equality Named Co-Coordinator. Kaylie has been with Blackburne House for 2 and a half years. Kaylie feels the best thing about Blackburne House Nursery is the friendly and relaxed atmosphere.
Kieley Holt
Nursery Nurse
Kieley Holt is a Nursery Nurse holding NVQ Level 3 and has been with Blackburne House for 2 years. Kieley loves working with the children alongside their parents and carers to support the children as individuals.

subset: commoncrawl


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I have decided I want to make a smilie face beaded bead using size 11 beads using peyote stitch (bead size still to be decided)
There are plenty of sites out there that have preworked out patterns that tell you add X amount of colour Z bead for row 1 then X amount of colour J bead on row 2 etc, etc so it comes out like the beaded bead they have designed.
What I am trying to find is there graph paper or a pattern maker out there somewhere so you can plot out what colour bead you need to put where before you start. If not how the heck do these people work out some of these intricate designs you see?
I've tried googling to find such a thing but as I've never done a beaded bead before I've probably been using the wrong search words to find what I am after.
Any help is appreciated.
Here is a link where you will find free downloads for graph paper for all different shapes and sizes of beads. When you open the link you will see on the left a column outlined in a light blue. About 5 or so down you will see the word graph paper, just click on it and you will find many different ones. I recently looked though them and discovered that there are also some other things in this section, but the free graph paper is still there, just browse though the other stuff to find it. There are I believe about 7 or 8 pages there with them among other things.
Happy Beading!!
Small-town USA.
Try this website:
Emma x
For knotting techniques & tips & how to create macrame plant hangers, bracelets & necklaces, check out: http://www.freemacramepatterns.net/
Thank you ladies for your replies. On further thought, I think I really need something that will tell me
1.how many seed beads to start off with to cover a specific size bead. I am guessing that you would start off with a larger amount of beads in your circle if you were covering a 15mm bead instead of a 6mm.
2. How many beads to add each row to increase/decrease the beadwork in proportion to the size of the bead being covered.
3, how may rows it will take to cover that bead so that the pattern can be planned out.
There's probably other things that need to be thought of that I don't know of as I haven't done this before.
OK. I think I've got it worked out
I think what I need to do is work out how many beads it takes to go around the widest part of the bead then divide it by two (which will give me 1/2 a bead coverage
Then using the flat circular peyote graph, count out from the centre that number of rows this should then be the pattern for 1/2 the bead. To do the other half I need to just reverse back to the centre.
Hopefully this will work.
Once i have finished my latest project which might be a week or two, I will give this a go and post my results.
Thanks again SCB1 and EmmaBaby for your replies.
I think I just needed a little more time for my brain to tick over and work out what I was actually after.
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White House Introduces the Newest Obama — An Adorable Pooch Named Sunny [VIDEO]
In a very official statement, the White House has welcomed the newest member of the first family: Sunny.
In a very official statement, the White House has welcomed the newest member of the first family: Sunny.
Hackers broke into the Associated Press Twitter account on Tuesday and posted a tweet claiming two explosions had rocked the White House, injuring the president.
The red-blooded Americans of 4for4.com Fantasy Football are true public servants. These dedicated football junkies hope fellow U.S. citizens will rally behind them and sign a petition at WhiteHouse.gov asking the Obama Administration to declare the Monday following Super Bowl Sunday a national holiday.
The White House's 'We The People' website, which allows citizens to petition the Obama administration to take action on issues facing the nation, has been in the news a lot lately.
The White House Correspondents' Dinner this weekend quickly became a fierce competition between Barack Obama and Jimmy Kimmel for funniest of the night. While Kimmel's speech turned into a hysterical roast of practically every celeb and political figure in the room, the president certainly gave the late-night host a run for his money… especially since he "forgot" his mic was on backstage.


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aria (ˈɑːrɪə) | |
—n | |
See also da capo an elaborate accompanied song for solo voice from a cantata, opera, or oratorio | |
[C18: from Italian: tune, |
A piece of music for one voice (or occasionally two voices) in an opera, oratorio, or cantata. In contrast with recitative singing, arias are melodious; in contrast with ordinary songs, arias are usually elaborate.
Note: Some composers, such as Richard Wagner, have felt that arias interrupt the action of opera too much and hence have written operas without them.
ARIA advanced range instrumented aircraft |


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The Daily Gambling Fix 2/24/11 — Destiny Dixon
The Daily Gambling Fix 2/25/11 – Carla Ossa
Here are some of the best sports plays for all you gamblers out there.
The Game: Pittsburgh Penguins @ Carolina Hurricanes
The Reason: Without Crosby and Malkin in the lineup, the Pittsburgh Penguins have relied on defense to keep them in games. That has resulted in them going under the total in 9 of their 12 games in the month of February. As for the Canes, they have gone under in 8 of 11 this month. Look for both teams to continue their low-scoring ways tonight as this game should go under the total.
The Game: New York Knicks @ Cleveland Cavaliers
The Reason: After getting rid of Mo Williams and Jamario Moon, the Cavs somehow got even worse than they already were. Baron Davis, who they got in return, has been dealing with a nagging knee injury and may not be ready for tonight's game, while the Knicks' acquisition of Carmelo Anthony has only made them better. Look for New York to dismantle a Cleveland squad that seems to be in disarray at the moment.
Overall Record: (572-441-22) – Winning Percentage (0.56)
Sponsored By The BetUs.com Girls
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Take home some of our BetUS beauties! Get your free BetUS Model Swimsuit Calendar and DVD with your first deposit!


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In two weeks, Artist Fellows Andy Diaz Hope and Laurel Roth present the culminating exhibition of their yearlong fellowship featuring the display of their monumental tapestry triptych, The Conflicts. This Valentine's Day, Hope and Roth share the secret behind their success in love and art.
FAMSF Blog
The special exhibition Rembrandt's Century, currently on view alongside Girl with a Pearl Earring: Dutch Paintings from the Mauritshuis, is striking both in its breadth and for the fact that the works on view all come from the Fine Arts Museums' permanent collections. Preparations for this exhibition were lengthy, with some works requiring restoration treatments. In this blog post, paper conservation intern Laura Neufeld demonstrates how, in matters of conservation, the devil really is in the details.
Willem Jacobsz Delff (Dutch, 1580–1638). Allegory on the State of the Netherlands under Spanish Tyranny (detail), 1622. Engraving. Achenbach Foundation for Graphic Arts. 1963.30.22127
As the digital media interpretive media fellow at the de Young and the Legion of Honor, my primary role is to digitally document and interpret the yearlong project The Salon Doré: The Conservation of a Period Room, currently underway at the Legion of Honor.
Artists-in-Residence Brad Rosenstein and Jean Lamprell conclude their month-long residence this weekend at the de Young. Rosenstein, an independent curator, has transformed the Artist Studio into a floating gallery of gossamer tutus created by renowned costumier Jean Lamprell. In this blog post, museum educator Gregory Stock interviews this dynamic duo.
Consisting of approximately 250 artworks, Rembrandt's Century presents a diverse picture of the art and personalities that defined the Dutch Golden Age. Drawn entirely from the Museums' permanent collection of works on paper in the renowned Achenbach Foundation for Graphic Arts, this exhibition required months of preparation. Curators, conservators, and art technicians worked together to frame—both literally and figuratively—this important selection of masterworks.


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A lively green, bezel-set peridot comes paired with a polished sterling silver heart in this birthstone pendant. The delicate charms are strung on a classic cable chain that can fasten at either 16 or 18 inches, making it a perfect layering piece. Engrave the heart disc with any initial for a personalized touch.
View our education section to learn more about our gemstone jewelry.
Love this necklace. The heart is small but very cute.
Anonymous, Plano, TX – January 2015
Cheap looking
Anonymous, Potomac, MD – December 2014
Anonymous, Gleneden Beach, OR – November 2014


text: Chris Staub wrote: Late I know, but thank you for your efforts Chris. I had this in my inbox the last month and just now applied the patch since no one else beat me to it. :) > "./configure: bad interpreter: Permission denied > You're most likely getting this while building bash in Chapter 5 of > the LFS Book. The problem is most likely your mount options. You > probably have a line in /etc/fstab like: > /dev/hda10 /mnt/lfs ext2 user 1 2..." > > I don't know if this issue is still valid or not. Is bash specifically > mentioned simply because it used to be the 1st package compiled and > that's where this issue would come up? Could very well be. It could be from the times when SBU was still bash units. I haven't heard this one ever so don't know how frequent it really is... > "checking whether we are using GNU C... no" > > I'm sure this is likely still a valid issue, but the FAQ entry refers to > checking and making sure /tools/bin/grep is statically linked, which of > course it shouldn't be anyway in LFS > 5.0. Does this one just need to > be updated? Yeah, if it is still relevant, then it should be updated IMO. > "Perl fails with *** missing separator. Stop." > > This refers to MAKEDEV, which should of course be replaced with "udev". > Then again, this question could probably just be removed - I just tried > building perl after removing /dev/null, and the configure quit with > "/dev/null: Permission denied", not the error message mentioned in that > FAQ entry. Yeah, can be removed IMO. The error message that you described is plenty obvious and the user should be able to figure it out. > Glibc: "ld.map: No such file or directory". > > This refers to the creation of /dev/null in glibc instructions, which is > no longer accurate. It also mentions a "mount --bind /dev $LFS/dev" > command which isn't used either. Also, I just tried running configure on > glibc after removing /dev/null - again, it just says "/dev/null: > Permission denied". Yeah, also remove if it isn't valid anymore. I know we don't do mount --bind's anymore so it is definately old. Thanks again Chris. Do you want to upgrade these? Otherwise I can try to get to them when I have time. Justin


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The Beauty of Better Living
Chelsea Green offers a very special opportunity for someone looking for a world-class neighborhood, outstanding design and architecture, the finest possible finishes, the best available services with an emphasis on wellness, and the most advanced and state-of-the-art systems to maximize energy efficiency, resource conservation, and indoor air quality. Chelsea Green was designed to be a better way to live.
Chelsea Green fosters a community atmosphere, with a focus on a balanced lifestyle. Take advantage of the building's Wellness Center in the pursuit of better mental and physical well-being. Only Chelsea Green can offer services such as 24-hour lobby service or state-of-the-art spa treatments.
Interior Design
As soon as you step inside your Chelsea Green condominium, you'll be surrounded by sophisticated elegance. Each room has an airy quality, defined by clean lines and open spaces. Your bathroom, kitchen, and balcony are fully equipped to fit your sustainable lifestyle.
It is absolutely essential for any new building project in New York City to focus on sustainability. Targeted for LEED Gold certification, Chelsea Green is not only geared toward helping our environment, but also aims to support residents in living their fullest lives. Chelsea Green is committed to changing the world for the better.
The Team
Composed of longtime residents of the downtown Manhattan area, the Alfa Development team has firsthand knowledge of the downtown experience. Always mindful of how their buildings will become part of the fabric of their community, Alfa's guiding principle is best articulated by the theme line: "History, architecture, and sustainability on a human scale." With an aesthetic attuned to the unique harmonies of each neighborhood, their buildings combine architecturally contextual exteriors with the most finely appointed modern interiors.
Michael Namer has been developing real estate in downtown New York for the last 30 years. As the founder, principal, and Managing Member of Alfa Development/Management LLC, Michael brings his attention to detail, construction expertise, and hands-on approach to real estate development to every project. In the last five years, Alfa Development has produced over $150,000,000 of residential condominium development — all in downtown Manhattan. Michael Namer and Alfa Development are continuing with their mission to create more sustainable living experiences with the developments and residences that comprise the Green Collection.


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Authorizes Native American nations and tribes to make payments to municipal governments hosting tribal casinos; such payments shall be in lieu of payments that the state is otherwise required to make to the municipal government.
Open Legislation comments facilitate discussion of New York State legislation. All comments are subject to moderation.
Comments deemed off-topic, commercial, campaign-related, self-promotional; or that contain profanity or hate speech;
or that link to sites outside of the nysenate.gov domain are not permitted, and will not be published. Comment moderation
is generally performed Monday through Friday.
By contributing or voting you agree to the Terms of Participation and verify you are over 13.


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IDNR reminds boaters of water safety
by WILY/WRXX News Staff • May 22, 2013 • News
Ahead of the Memorial Day weekend, the Illinois Department of Natural Resources wants to remind boaters to be safe.
It's national safe boating week and the message is "wear it," as in wear your life jacket.
Illinois law requires a life jacket for every person on board a boat. State law also requires anyone under the age of 13 to wear a life jacket while aboard any watercraft under 26 feet in length. Other flotation devices, such as floatable boat cushions, can't be substituted for a life jacket.
In 2012 there were 101 boating related accidents on Illinois waters resulting in 17 deaths and 77 injuries. Alcohol use was a contributing factor in 13 of the accidents and five of the fatalities.