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eDock Server 2.1
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FRANKLIN COUNTY, Pa. -- Two Franklin County 911 dispatchers recently helped people through difficult situations.
Cameron Knotts helped save a man who accidentally shot himself in the leg on Aug. 4 while trying to commit suicide.
Julianne Schrecengost helped a family delivery a baby on Aug. 14 before the ambulance arrived.
"You don't normally get calls that end well," Schrecengost said. "It was a happy call."
Franklin County Commissioners on Tuesday recognized the dispatchers for their efforts. Commissioner David Keller said he was impressed with the pride and professionalism in the Department of Emergency Services.
Knotts, a dispatcher for six years, said he was "kind of shocked" to receive a shooting call around 5 a.m.
"That doesn't happen in the morning," Knotts said. "He was trying to end his life with a gunshot to the head."
In the process of aiming the rifle, the 17-year-old shot himself in the thigh, Knotts said. The boy called 911 when "he realized he had a problem."
"A high-powered hunting rifle does a lot of damage," Knotts said.
The caller was bleeding profusely, according to Dave Donohue, director of the Franklin County Department of Emergency Services. Knotts stayed on the phone with him for 12 minutes, located him in the woods near Renfrew Park in the Waynesboro area and made sure the weapon was out of reach before first responders arrived.
"In the first 30 seconds I was dealing with his initial intent, and then I was focusing on what his problem is," Knotts. "He was in pain and losing a lot of blood. He wouldn't be able to think about what he had been intending to do in the first place."
Knotts directed the boy to apply pressure, but the damage was too great. Knotts, an emergency medical technician, then asked if he had a belt to pull around his leg. He didn't. Shoelaces? He didn't. His shirt? Police arrived.
"I did what I had to do and he's alive today," Knotts said.
Schrecengost delivered her first baby over the telephone. She talked a woman's eldest son through the delivery of his mother's baby in the Shippensburg area.
"He was prepared, prepared as much as he could be," Schrecengost said.
She determined that the birth was imminent. They followed the scripted Emergency Medical Dispatch protocol, which worked. The baby was born 13 minutes after Schrecengost answered the 8:26 a.m. call.
"The woman had had several children before," Donohue said. "Her labor was short. They were ready to cut the cord when the ambulance crew pulled up. The ambulance had two patients instead of one."
Knotts said people sometimes stop by a fire hall to tell EMTs the fate of a person they helped on an emergency response.
"People usually don't come in the 911 center," he said. "You hear by the newspaper or by word of mouth how the guy is doing."

subset: commoncrawl


text:
Hello, I have your William and Anne having a son William in 1650 Kent Island, Kent Co Maryland. He married Sarah Gold, b. 1645 also in Kent Co, in 1671. They in turn had another William Bouldin, b. 1670. This William would be my Grandfather six times removed. Susan Notify Administrator about this message?
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text:
Notes From a Desk (1)
Therese Walsh on Feb 05 2013 | Filed under: Inspirations
I'm in one of those weird in-between places with my writing. After a roller coaster ride involving the loss of an imprint and three editors, and a dark-moment-of-the-writerly-soul retooling of a premise, I'm able to take a breath. I've turned in line edits and now I'll wait to hear back about copy edits, and etc…
I've been fretting over this story since 2008. Now, I feel a bit like a bear coming out of hibernation. Blinking at the light. A little hungry, a little grumbly and disoriented and restless.
What should I do? I ask myself every morning, re-assimilating to not having to work on a manuscript. I can go to the grocery store. Exercise. Play games with my kids. Bake brownies. Exercise some more. Consider, for the 207th time, becoming a banker.
Most recently, I faced my desk. It was thick with the evidence of battle, strewn mostly with stacks of old printouts of my manuscript. I examined the stacks, deciding what I needed to keep, what I wanted to keep, and what I absolutely had to toss. (Retaining seven versions of a story is somewhat depressing, as I see it only as more evidence that I am so not a natural at this.)
Then I look at the notes. And I don't have the heart to remove a single one of them.
After my dad died–at the far-too-young age of 56–my 16-year-old sister began taping notes all around her desk at our family's home. She wanted to finish school, and she was struggling mightily. "You can do it!" "You are stronger than you think!" (And the like.) It was a show of her strength but also of her demons–a need for her strongest self to argue against all of the other parts, and hopefully be enough to shut those parts up so that she might succeed. I always felt vaguely uncomfortable faced with her notes, and half-turned away from them whenever I was near. They were just so real and raw.
After my debut sold in 2008, when I became petrified about writing a second book–the downside for me of a generous two-book deal–I too turned to notes. In the next few posts, I'd like to share them with you, let you in on the daily struggle I felt over this manuscript. These notes saved me, in a way, and maybe you'll see something in them for you too. Or maybe you'll want to half-turn away; that's okay. At the very least, you may better understand my "I wish I were a banker" jokes.
In later posts, I'll talk about one note at a time–what it meant to me, how it helped me to push on. But for now I want to close by sharing a single note that should need no explanation.
Write on!
About Therese Walsh
Therese Walsh co-founded Writer Unboxed in 2006. Her second novel, The Moon Sisters, was named a Best Book of 2014 by Library Journal and BookRiot. Her debut, The Last Will of Moira Leahy, sold to Random House in a two-book deal in 2008, was named one of January Magazine's Best Books, and was a Target Breakout Book. She's never been published with a lit magazine, but LOST's Carlton Cuse liked her Twitter haiku best and that made her pretty happy.
90 Responses to "Notes From a Desk (1)"
Beautiful post, Therese. The note is perfect--doubt is one of the most insidious tortures for creative souls. I'm so glad you are in a better place, notes and all.
Thank you Mama Therese. I will do just that. Your words and experience help me to believe in myself.
For the record, you might not be natural at it, but you definitely can hook a person with the written word. Your post sounds like a scene from a novel. Every paragraph had tension in it and I just wanted to keep reading. (Where's the rest?)
Ah crap!
See that.
Now I'm late for work Therese. :O)
Time flies when you're enjoying a good read. -
Glad you are turning a corner. Great post and great note. Thanks for sharing,
I love the note and its brief and powerful message. I thoroughly enjoyed The Last Will of Moira Leahy and I can't wait for your next book. Will you be letting us in on the plot? -
This great post made me look around my own desk and office area and really see again the notes and objects that keep me going, that inspire me. I think sometimes they start to blend in and become like wallpaper. Thanks for the reminder! :)
Thank you, Therese! I needed your words to help me through today!
I think what struck me in this piece was your parenthetical statement about not feeling like a natural at this (writing). I thought really? A published author struggles with those feelings? I know all writers wrestle with the process but that's the first time I've heard someone name the exact feeling I have chewed on. Best to you as you regroup and refocus.
Thank you, Therese. Each time an established writer confesses they struggle, I sigh and wipe an imaginary bead of sweat from my brow. We assume the process is easy for a writer who's actually published volumes of beautiful words, who consistently shows their command over story and language. We novices think the daily grind to string eloquent words into something meaningful is only a challenge because we have no idea what we're doing.
It's nice not to feel alone.
I have similar notes posted around my office. I must finish this up so I can stop doubting myself and get to work.
So true Kerry Ann! And well said. No doubt, just work! Good luck with the writing=)
I totally understand leaving the notes. They are hard-won battle trophies. I finally packed away a lot of stuff from the writing of the trilogy that cluttered my desk for YEARS. But I still pull it all out occasionally, as I did yesterday. Plus there's the new notes. Today there are five for a blog post I am planning (that is not coming together at all).
My only question is why the bank? You have to speak softly, they only play muzak, if anything. Let's go work for the post office! We can wear earbuds, drive a truck with the door open, and, oh, the uniform choices! So glad to see you back here, and to hear there's going to be MORE! Looking forward to future posts, and the book!
Great post. And thank you for being so generous to reveal that you, even with two books in your column, haven't crossed the hurdle into lit mags. That's very encouraging for me. Rejections or just never hearing = lots of doubt.
I love the bear coming out of hibernation analogy; it's perfect.
And the notes. It reminds me of my English/Women's Studies undergrad degree twenty years ago. I too taped notes around my desk. They said things like, "The feminist theory paper is only worth 0.004% of your entire degree." (And yes, the math was correct..).
I also enacted something I still call my hit-by-a-bus theory, which was my way of saying just get a draft down, even if it's crap. Then, if I get hit by a bus, I still have something to submit. I still use this now, except in writing and in deadlines for work.
Thanks for the great post and the walk down memory lane!
Oh man, good day for this one. Thank you. I've had those days lately myself. We're a family of note-posters, too, and I hope it's okay for me to borrow yours. I really need it.
Fantastic post, Therese. I think a few of those notes might have been handy through my own revision process. I look forward to seeing the rest.
A bank? No, I can't picture you there. Just remember that you have all sorts of folks who believe in you, even on those days you don't believe in yourself.
I can't wait to get my hands on your new book.
I know that restless feeling. Drives me crazy when I don't have a project to work on. I'm with Julia--don't get hit by a bus.
I'm adding that note to my wall-o-wisdom! It is covered in Post-Its collected over several years, most of them tidbits offered by fellow authors. This one from you will fit in quite nicely, thank you!
Sincerely, Therese, thank you for baring your soul. It makes each and every one of us know we are not alone.
Oh, and here's the note, from Margaret Atwood no less, that kicks my butt into gear...
"You most likely need a thesaurus, a rudimentary grammar book, and a grip on reality. This latter means: there's no free lunch. Writing is work. It's also gambling. You don't get a pension plan. Other people can help you a bit, but essentially you're on your own. Nobody is making you do this: you chose it, so don't whine."
Great, huh?
Denise Willson
Author of A Keeper's Truth -
It's okay, Therese. We get it. I've an inspiration board--yes, I need a whole board--to the right of my desk. Row three, column two: Banish doubt. I think it's a myth that anyone is a "natural."
I love every word of the note on your desk, Therese, but my favorite word is "Today." I've found that concentrating on the present moment--instead of regretting the past or worrying about the future--removes 99.9% of the doubt.
Thank you for reminding us to think about the task of the moment!
Therese, I love the fact that you have gotten over the bump and aren't letting things hold you back. I usually print off inspiring posts (like this one) and tape them up in my office as a reminder that I am not alone in this writing community. As a friend of mind recently said to me...roll on words, roll on! ;~)
Donna L Martin
Thank you for this post, Therese. Inspiring. Necessary. True.
From what you've said about your process, ours sound virtually identical, which gives great hope to this today-feeling-permanently-unpublishable writer. You make it appear effortless, Therese.
My notes are in two piles beside my desk right now. I designate weekly time to put them into virtual folders because I work better in clear space. One trick I've done on occasion, to keep the gestalt of the note without real-life storage? Take a photo of them.
The vulnerability in this post is beautiful and inspiring. God bless your sister's 16 year old self. I'm so sorry for your loss, and wish you huge success with your second book, (and third, and so on, and so on).
And once again, words save the day, the heart, and the book.
Sometimes the only thing left for me to do is get out of my own way. It's amazing how much control I give to the inner thoughts that come unbidden. Small notes meant to inspire, up-lifting words from friends--bits and pieces of emotional support--are the road maps back to my dreams.
Great post, Therese. I'm glad you keep at it, you have a poetic gift for shaping words into imagery that resonates.
From one note-tacker to another, I absolutely love this, Therese. :)
ahh. i see
I think quotes and notes are a part of all of us. I have been a collector for quite some time. Yours is a new one, and will be added to the ones I turn to when I need to hear it from someone else.
What a poignant lesson. Yes, your post will help others. If writing were easy, everyone would be doing it. You can, you do, and you will meet success!
How much I need to hear exactly those words!
Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to hearing about the next one. Best wishes for success with your next book!
This was a bit of tear-jerker for me! Beautiful post. I had no idea your road was as long and hard as it was. ((Hugs))
The doubt has to be the worst part of being a writer. We measure our talents by what others say about us, our work--isn't that the same thing? It makes those sparkling, brief moments of elation and confidence that much more stunning. There's no question you'll follow your heart and get back on that horse! Bankers, pssshawww.
Now, fill the creative well and get plotting! ;)
How beautiful!
I will look forward to seeing the rest of your notes and how they helped you along.
And congrats on finishing!!
"I am so not a natural at this" and "seven versions of a story" come from hard places, but they were such an encouragement to me! Thank you for being honest.
Excellent note. Doubt is always present for me, so I can really relate. Knowing we're not alone sometimes is the nicest, most helpful thing to continuing on, so thanks for sharing such an honest post. :)
Beautiful. The post and you. I am taking your first note and pinning it on my bulletin board. It is a much needed motto. Thank you, for all you do to light the way.
Lovely post, thanks!
Maybe I should consider posting a notice of the just do it variety in my office.And big congrats on finishing book two!
I laugh at the Doubt. But only when it's not there.
Thanks so much for the shot of inspiration, Therese!
Sometimes, I think pre-published writers believe it's all smooth sailing after the first book deal, so it's so valuable to read evidence that the doubts remain, the struggles remain, but the true heart and soul of the process lives in all of us: "don't doubt; just work."
So true, and so timely! Thank you again.
great post, as usual, and great sticky note. I interviewed for a part-time nonprofit gig this morning. I have thrown in the towel on climbing farther up the ladder for my old career, because now that I am on my second draft of my first novel, I am sure this writing life is what I want. But a little work that inspires me and pays in the interim is just what I need.You were one of the first published authors who encouraged me. Knowing you still have some trying moments as a novelist and are willing to share that info with all of us actually makes me admire you even more.
I didn't realize you had lost your father. Mine passed away two years ago and I still miss him dearly. I'm am becoming awfully sure that not even death can break our connections with those we love. I'm sure yours is so very proud of your writing and mentoring.
Your desk and mine - Scotch tape and little waving flags, like a curtain of confetti.
Smile of recognition. -
Reading this post and all the wonderful comments, lead me to move aside that flat monitor I got last year and rediscovered my little pin-up board. I had all but forgotten some of these words of wisdom.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit. -ARISTOTLE
Diligence is the mother of good luck. -BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initally scared me to death. -BETTY BENDER
Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. -HELEN KELLER
If nothing changed, there'd be no butterflies. -I HAVE NO IDEA
And as for my characters and the ones I have found in other's works:
If you walk in the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew. -POCAHONTAS
So keep walking in those footsteps to find the magic I never knew could existed.
I think that board needs a new home and some more additions.
Don't doubt, just work. -THERESE WALSH
Therese, first of all, congratulations on the completion of your manuscript, Hooray! But I know it's a bittersweet kind of joy. For me, coming to the end of writing a book is very much like coming to the end of reading a book. You can't believe you have to move on with your life without your characters and your friends. The ones you've invested so much in or the one's you cheered for and cried for and celebrated with or even feared. Puff...(or is it poof?) they are part of yesterday. Hold onto the profound impact they've made on you and celebrate that. Then... in a short while or maybe longer, you'll meet someone who'll get you thinking about a character for your next project!
This is a touching reminder that we writers are not alone in our doubts and fears. Thanks for inspiring me to create some sticky notes of my own for those times when it feels like I am :)
This is so beautiful, Therese. I, too, have notes all over my desk and I can understand why they'd be bittersweet--they help us hang in there but are also reminders of our most difficult moments.
I can't wait to read your next notes. I thought the one shared here was so powerful in its simplicity.
Therese, I love this post.
I began my project in 2010 and just recently pulled out all my previous versions of my manuscript and reviewed and discarded as many as I had the heart to shred. I still have 5 left.
I was surprised at how attached I had become to them. Some days I wonder what am I doing? Why did I start this? And then I re-read some part of it that brings me to tears again and I know that I have no choice because it is personal. That I have something to share even though there are days when it is scary to put so much of myself out there.Stick with it.
As soon as I get to the next break I will read your first book!
Good luck.
I love the honesty, and the note. I can spend a lot of time on doubt, so this definitely resonates with me. I'm sorry the last few years have been such a rollercoaster. I'm glad that you are seeing the end, and I'm VERY much looking forward to your new book. I still have scenes from The Last Will locked in my imagination, and I read it several years ago. I think your next sticky note should read, "I am a kickass writer, and I won't forget it. Ever."
Congrats on your book deal! How did you learn to stop doubting, and to just do? I'm an incessant doubter, to the point that my work becomes paralyzed--and so do I. It gets me very un-centered.


text:
How Do You Decide To Leave Your Wife And Live With The Decision?
I've come so close to making the decision to leave my wife of 17 years. I one point I believe I did. I was comfortable with it. I even slept for an entire 8 hours for the first time in many years. But then I talked to her about it. I fell apart. We've been married for 17 years and knew each other for 20. We never really had fights. We liked to do the same things and we liked to hang with each other. We even work together. She says she's in love with me. So how could I even think of leaving her?I dont think that I love her. I know "What do you mean you dont think you love her, you do or you dont!" It gets complicated, why wouldn't it. I care deeply for her, I may even love her...just not in love with her. We haven't slept with each much in the last 5-7 years. There's always the excuse that she fell asleep on the couch. And why didn't I go out and wake her?
Our marriage may have been doomed from the beginning. When we were dating we always had sex. We talked about the future and having kids. I was older. I was ready for marriage and kids. She said she was but??? Things changed weeks after we go married.
We never lived with each other. We moved in together just before the wedding. I guess I really wanted to do things right. But weeks into our marriage, the sex dwindled. Maybe once a month, then every other month. There was always an excuse. I started thinking she was cheating, but I dont think so now. It was things in the past that effected her.
She was abused by a cousin when she was only 5. I only found out about this in the last couple of years. She was from a broken family. Her real dad wanted nothing to do with her. her mother was 16 when she was born and would hide her so her date wouldn't know she had a kids. When her mom did remarry later, my wife felt she was second to her other sisters. This all came to effect our marriage. We never had children. I would try to talk to her about seeking help, but she would just walk away. I should have demanded and forced her to talk about it but didn't.
One night about 2 months ago I awoke thinking I was having a heart attack...it was a panic attack. I was drenched in sweat, I knew I couldn't go on like this. I knew I should leave, but I care so much for her. I convinced her to finally see a psychologist, and so did I. Now how do I leave her when she needs someone to be by her. I dont think we can repair the damage that has been done. I got to believe that there is love out there for me, but sometimes I wonder if its all a fantasy. I've been married so long I'm scared to be alone.
My wife is a great person, no drugs, alcohol, or cheating with ether of us. If I leave, I feel I'll be the bad guy. Some will say, It's easy, just leave. How can you tear the heart out of the person that says they love you? How can you do that to someone you committed yourself to? I've always tried to be a good person, just thinking about making this decision, makes me feel like the biggest piece of sh^t. I know the decision is mine and mine alone. I dont scare easily, but this has me terrified.
Sad story, but a familiar one. Have you read any books about codependency? It sounds like you might be in a codependent relationship and your role is rescuer. She has a dysfunctional background, but you didn't mention yours - was there an alcoholic parent or other dysfunction in your family of origin? This might be why you found each other. If I'm off base, that's okay, please don't take offense, its just an observation.
Your wife seems to need help that you cannot give her. Have you thought about the possibility that she will never desire you again. Please clarify why she has to be clearly in the wrong for it to be okay for you to leave.
I need some advice me and girlfriend been together almost 12 years first five years were not bad but boring I finally talked her into moving closer to her granddaughters thinking maybe that would help it did for awhile then back to boring nagging old lady so I got more involved in granddaughters lives the grandkids mom is a piece of crap treats them like slaves anyhow I got more involved now the past five years I got to attached to grandkids according to her there her grandkids not mine I adopted them as mine well I don't want to here her nagging and yelling I go watch TV with kids and play games with them I work a lot of hours but my time off I spend with kids three years ago I fell asleep upstairs with grandkids watching TV and the following weekend I was off and had no kids so wanted some sex she said no that's payback for falling asleep upstairs all she does is complain about everything I cook clean do laundry she does nothing but complain about I didn't do nothing right grandkids don't want to come over anymore because all she does is yell and scream at them for stupid stuff please help
Life is too short to spend unhappy. If she is not the woman for you than you indeed are not the man for her. Any more time being spent in this sort of a relationship is unproductive for both of you. You are prolonging the inevitable. Isnt it more terrifying to spend the rest of your life feeling as you do right now? Starting over is not harder than remaining in a situation that you are not happy in. The first steps are the hardest.
I am so sorry for you. I guess as a woman I can never understand how you stay with someone you are not in love with but love. I love my ex husband too but I know it's hard to create the spark again when you have been together a long long time. After all, we all different and how are you going to create that FRESHNESS again. It is challenging. I love having sex with husband. But I believe when we feel some kind of resentment or hurt in our heart, we distant from each other and not wanting to have any sex. Hence, sex dies as a sign of dead living love.
I wish you the best. I am sure your life will take you to where you belong.
no one should ever marry. i don't even feel like reading your whole story. getting married is a HUGE lie. dot. punto.finished. bye
I am sorry you are going through this. I can totally relate to you. I really can't go into detail, but I can say you get one life. You have tried to help her and be there for her. At some point you need to be happy!!!!! Do something for you!!! Have a good day!
Because you will BOTH be better off in the long run. If I was her, I would not want to be with a man who didn't really love me. It will be very painful, but not forever. With time, people heal, forgive, and move on. You both have many, many more years to live! You've only lived half of your adult lifetime, most likely. Make the change for both of you. Start building the next 30 years with someone you love! The worst thing you can do to her is stay with her when you don't love her.
I understand and am in the same boat. I love my wife but I know it's over and want to move on. We also had no sex for the last 6 years. But that don't matter. It's the other things. We do nothing together at all. We live as room mates. She has her room I have mine. Our day is spent with her playing of facebook and mine watching TV. Here is a good one. Do I want sex with her? NO. I'm not interested at all. I think it's time to move on. I will love her forever, but it must end. I can't take it anymore. I think she would be happier if I left also.

We have no kids to worry about.
Why aren't you interested in having sex with her?
This may sound really corny - and having read only to about 1/2 to 3/4 of these posts (fishingtime and responses), may now be out of date to fish's situation - but I suggest there is possibly another path to be taken here. I'm not particularly religious - and this is certainly not a post based on that, or bible beating, or anything of the sort - but I've found that the basic tenet of "it is better to give than to receive", or the thrust of really thinking of the other, rather than of oneself, actually gives both a sense of self respect and pleasure to oneself, and as a practical matter, can work (without this being the actual overt reason or goal) to bring the other into more attraction to oneself.
In other words, there are essentially two approaches or options here for happiness: either 1) think of oneself *more*, try to not feel guilty, and do what one wants more fully just for oneself. Leave the spouse/girlfriend/lover/etc. and try to just put yourself at the center of your goals....be selfish (for want of a better word). And leave the responsibility for the other person solely up to them (as they are also, in a strict sense, viewed as *not* taking full responsibility for themselves in making an effort, or wanting, to be involved with you - sexually, emotionally, or otherwise).
This is a valid position. Everybody is responsible for themselves. And even in a strict,
Ayn Rand (if you know who this writer/philosopher is), sense, everybody is essentially selfish and pursues their own self-interest...this is the state of nature for humans and all natural organisms...and bonds or contracts or affiliations come successfully out of each person's need and mutual pursuit of their own self interest.
2) But the other road to happiness, which, apart from religion telling us is the true path to happiness, one may just find is workable and ultimately most satisfying, and practically, as I say, often productive in terms of improved relationships, is to realize that maybe you *do* love the other person, in a degree of selfless way...that you do, maybe rather painfully, *care* about them. Yes, maybe this is "loving" someone rather than "being in love with" them; but maybe it is also ultimately the more real and true love. And if *really* pursued in a full and selfless way...if you really simply allow yourself to "love" them in the true sense of the word - giving without an expectation of "getting" something back - you will be surprised to find that it is satisfying...in the same way that giving a Christmas gift, or any gift, is really more satisfying than "getting" presents yourself...and that, without expecting this, it often just turns out that this love is ultimately opening and healing and received by the other, and, surprisingly, eventually reciprocated. But it *is* all a mystery and not controllable or able to be grabbed or fixed in place or demanded...any more than one can hang onto or grab water. Perhaps ultimately it really is a kind of mystery from God or whatever (and again, I don't mean to come at this from a religious or proselytizing perspective...it's much more just some kind of a zen kind of thing, or an uncontrollable, mysterious dynamic - which also cannot really be predicted to work in terms of getting the other to be more interested or responsive to one...but then again, it's not love if your selfish gain is really the goal...that's not how love works or what love is. Love is truely loving the other, wanting what is best for them, etc. without the expectation of gain. It is just loving for it's own sake and the pleasure of making another happy, wishing them well, wanting them to be well [healthy, etc.]. The paradox is that it also often devolves into their responding to you (with love, affection, caring, and also sex [which is part of this whole love/attraction thing...in the larger sense than just *sex* for sex's sake]).
And this all relieves you of the guilt also. You are being kind and loving and selfless, as you were probably intended to (by God or whatever else).
Anyway, for Fishtime, or whoever else reads this, these are some thoughts. They work more generally in life than just one's mate also...being kind and giving to others often makes life just go better, even with an allowance for the jerks you will run into nevertheless.
Best wishes -
Wow. what an enlightening read. i feel like I am in a difficult situation, just like many above. I just don't know. I am nearly forty and have been married to wifey for 15 years, plus another 3 with her before that. That is nearly half my life. My experience before marriage was always wanting but I could have done a lot better with a bit of confidence, so I always feel that I just settled for whatever.
Not to take anything away from her, she is great . . . but till death? Really?? I don't know if I can stand her for another year, let alone another 50. As I said, she's great. She loves me far more than anyone else ever has; certainly far more than I love her.
But I am at the point where frankly, I could care less.
Selfishly, it is about me. two teenage ratbags and one aging wife .. . time to back out, methinks; they can fend for themselves. But can I do it??
the real question is, can I not?
The answer, my friends, is blowing in the very annoying wind.
Leave your kid that u love because spouse, is a pain full situation....then pay while u out...
fishingtime, sorry to hear about what has been going on. I found this post after searching on Google for "leaving your wife" because I am going through something similar. I'm not actually married but been together 9 years and lived together 4, cant get married as we are still both training in our professions and have no money. Your situation sounds very similar to mine (apart from the fact that we do actually argue about absolutely ridiculous things). What is more familiar than the situation though are your feelings on the whole issue. I too felt like I owe her something, and that I promised her something that I had to deliver. She always acts so in love with me I could never bring myself to actually split up with her. She's always talking about marriage and kids. However my partner also avoided sex with me. Yes there was always some excuse, mainly that she doesn't have the confidence to approach me for sex. Basically if I want sex I have to make it blatantly obvious (I mean embarrassingly so) or just say it out loud, which is not the way I like it. I like things to feel spontaneous, like there is some magnetism between us and not just me chasing her like a dog on heat.

Anyway a few years ago I ended up splitting up with her and I must say that you described my feelings perfectly. I had in all honesty toyed with the idea of splitting up with her the whole time we were together, but at times i really felt like I loved her and then others I didn't and it was extremely confusing. I loved her as a person very much and care about her probably more than my own mother. I think I would happily die for her if it came down to it but for some strange reason I feel like there should be more to love than that. After all I could feel the same way about a child or another man but that is not what having a partner is all about is it? Lets face it, that is just loving someone, it is not being in love with them, and the only difference I can see between the two types of relationship is the natural sexual attraction between two people. This is something that I feel was missing from your relationship and mine too. I don't know about you but I must admit that I never really felt wanted by her - that there was no raw attraction - just her appeasing me by letting me have sex with her. One other thing I might mention, while embarrassing to say publicly, is that she did not ****** from penetration, which I believe is common. She even went as far as saying she got nothing from sex (penetration) so that really made me feel like she was just doing me a favor letting me have sex with her. Since saying that she tried to take it back a dozen times but after knowing that it kind of spoiled actual sex for me and only made things worse. After a while I just stopped trying with her and used *********** instead. We eventually settled at having sex around once or twice a month.

I must add that while I have talked a lot about sex here we did always give each other a lot of affection in other ways. We were always very much like a honeymoon couple, kissing holding hands etc. I think to her that was enough and the sex was just something that she could take or leave. I sometime wonder whether I have been too easy for her. She never has to try hard to win my affections its just the way I am. Not really the tread em mean keep em keen type to be honest.

I felt extremely guilty splitting up with her because in many respects she felt like the perfect woman. Never did anything like take drugs, drink too much, cheat on me, we never argued about serious things, only bickered about insignificant things (which did lead to massive rows I might add). In fact it was her who helped me on the straight and narrow. I was a bit of a wild child in my past, taking drugs and drinking, but had now finished university and working in a corporate job. I think without her sensible influence I would not have made it. So that made me feel even more guilty when it came to splitting up.

When we broke up, she moved out the house as it was a council house (welfare) in my name. I thought I would feel like some enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders and I would be free to play the field. I thought that all that anxiety I had, being indecisive (do I love her? should I leave her?), would vanish and I would spontaneously meet the perfect girl and finally experience real love, not just some desperate codependency. I was wrong. I didn't feel good about it at all. If anything I got worse and had stopped eating and sleeping normally. My work started to suffer first and I was getting in to trouble for not being on the ball. I started slipping back in to my old ways of drinking too much, taking drugs (small quantities of cocaine on weekends). I tried dating sites but didn't have much of a response. When I went out it seemed like all the girls just annoyed me with their fake tans and excessive makeup. I started thinking about what I really wanted in a woman. Someone intelligent, loyal, not on drugs, would make a good mother, loving and caring. I realized what I wanted was actually just my ex. After 3 months, one day she got in contact with me on messenger and we ended up talking. I told her I missed her and went to see her at her parents house while they were away. We ended up having really good sex that night and I felt like I was in love with her again, not because of the sex but because it felt like there was a connection there. We have been together since. After 3 more years it has been a lot better. We have talked about the sex issues and she has made more of an effort to start things off (at least 10 percent of the time which i suppose is better than nothing). However, now things are slipping. We had a massive row last night over absolutely nothing at all - which is happening more and more. We have not had much sex lately although we have both been busy so not entirely her fault. Still she has not expressed the slightest dissatisfaction with this and it is really bothering me. So maybe i am back to square one. I hope that this is not the start of a lifelong cycle because I would hate to have kids, get married and then break up.

I know this is a long post but it was partly because you seemed so similar and in such as similar situation than me (without the arguments), and I thought i might be able to help, and also it helps me figure things out by writing them down. One thing I would say is that you shouldn't be afraid to talk to her again. You might find, like I did, that she is actually coping with the break up much better than you expected and you are actually coping worse than you expected. This is normal I think. It comes from the fact that us men tend to bottle things up making it hard to see your own feelings. Also men / friends dont tent to talk much about these things which makes it harder to deal with. Finally i think I should tell you what I think about your situation. This is ba<x>sed on my own experience. I think you actually do love her but you are angry with her for rejecting you and that is why you feel so bad now after leaving. You cannot live with someone for so many years in an otherwise productive relationship and not be strongly emotionally attached to them. Anger is the one thing that can blind you to this attachment but it is still there trust me. You are probably as attached to her as you would be to any other human being and this is going to have some pretty unpleasant consequences when you simply rip those bonds apart. She is probably feeling the same way but I imagine she is probably also angry with you and might not quite realise how much she misses you, making it seem like she wasnt that bothered about you after all. Im not saying you should get back with her but if you want to move on then you perhaps need to speak to her about the problems you had or they will never be resolved and will eventually effect your next relationship.

Anyway you sound like a genuinely good and intelligent guy. It's a shame an otherwise good relationship (I mean you say you didnt argue, I would kill for that) has ended I hope things go well for you and you find that elusive feeling you were hoping for. Personally I have decided it might have been some kind of illusion brought on by all those films and love songs I watched when I was young. I am starting to think that the "the one" cannot possibly exist outside hollywood, what with real life getting in the way and all. Did you ever wander what would have happened to Romeo and Juliet had they not died. I think maybe the whole reason they did die is that Shakespeare knew that a love like that could not possibly exist in the real world. Work, children, life in general, not to mention actually getting to know each other, would have just ruined it. The purest and most idealistic love is young naive love and i don't think that dream ever really leaves us, just some of us let it go earlier than others. What is more real are the bonds we form between us in the real world, when we face the world together and help each other through even the hardest of times. Remember my friend we are all human and no one is perfect. Some people like lots of sex and some people get embarrased taking their clothes off. Personally, I get more nervous dancing in front of strangers than I do in the bedroom with someone who I actually care about. Makes no sense right? Well humans are not entirely logical creatures and I think we have to account for that in our partners and give them a bit ( a lot ) of leeway. Like I said, if you genuinely were not happy then stick it out and meet someone else but also if you do actually want her back then just talk to her. Best of Luck. D from the UK.
Brilliant contribution, thank you for taking the time to share your story and views. It's really amazing how many people are in such similar circumstances as you, isnt it? I could pass you on the street and have no idea you were going through the same things and feeling basically the same way about them as I seem to be...thank you.
I am in my late 20s and have been with my gf for just over ten years now. I am feeling the same way about her as you are (or were...I know you posted this a little over two years ago now...I do hope you read this). I absolutely love her more than anyone else in this world, and honestly probably would die for her, but the state that our relationship is in now is too mundane, boring, unfulfilling, unexciting etc etc for me to think that I can spend the rest of my life living like this. It's an unbelievably sad realisation, as you know.
I cant help but think at this point that no relationship can truly stay exciting and TRULY fulfilling and satisfying after a certain amount of time. A friend recently said to me "its as if you two learned everything you could from one another...and maybe its time to share and learn with someone else". In a sense he is right. We seem to have reached a point where weve shared everything with one another...we know each others opinions on life, our philosophies...we dont excite each other anymore. We know each other almost too well. This in itself is depressing, the fact that what goes up must come down. Its almost as if its one of the laws of the universe...inescapable...maybe not completely, but still a very real part of this life.
So what is the answer? What is man to do when looking to live a full rich life? Are we to bounce around from partner to partner while we are young (20-50ish) and settle one the last one...once our libido has significantly slowed down? What about having kids? Are we just not with the women we are meant to be be with? Is there lasting happiness if you can just find that right person who always challenges you and keeps you excited, interested, etc?
I will say that for me sex is a very big part of a relationship, and, big surprise, Im not fulfilled sexually right now. I never have been with her. This is a very big problem as well...as we all know. If the attraction is there then the sex should follow. Yet Ive always been the one to pursue sex...she would be happy to do it maybe once a month. I want my life to be exciting and fresh, and over the past few years Ive just felt trapped in this mundane life that Ive set up for myself. The problem is she is now a part of this life too...and Im incredibly attached to her. I would love to have new experiences with new women, but I know if I saw her with another man I would lose my mind. How do you deal with that after you choose to break up? How long would it take to get her out of my mind and heart? Until the day I die I fear...
I know this post has been very rambly...but thats what my thought process is like right now...very scrambled. Im tempted by the exciting prospects of new women, experiences and life in general, yet I am scared to lose my best friend and the boring but safe life I have with her.
No easy answers at all. I know she feels the same way. I dont know if that makes this easier or harder. Its all just so much to try to come to terms with.
I would write more but I dont want to make this too long...
If you do get a chance to read this, perhaps you could share with me/us what the last two years have brought you.
I can certainly sympathize...
fish,

just some thoughts... sorry how you are feeling and at the same time.... again she has everything going her way... you are paying the bills and that will continue for a VERY LONG time if you let it, sorry you have no marriage and have not for a long time.... going out on dates.. go for it some women just want to have a companion for a date and not a mate... your thinking LONG TERM.. just a thought was your "wife" the first one you dated, the only one you went out with? Dating sites are great even if you have to travel an hour... personally I was traveling 4.5 hours and it was well worth the drive.. :) anyway.. lots of people just like to date and want no commitement.. She is going to the gym... because she is getting herself into shape to attract other guys... Really Fish, I feel for you and at the same time as I stated before, everybody goes through what they have to go through before they make the final choice.. I see your DOOR slammed shut and LOCKED... sorry but just the way I see it.. Wish it looked better for you the way you feel, but that is the good thing about EP, you get advice from others so you can make your own decisions as hard and painful as they may be..
fish, why not try thinking of yourself and what you are going through for a change ,instead of your"WIFE" ? most women who want to leave there husband , do so without a second thought for his feelings,I know from experience, I have a good life now with a new wife much younger than the one who left me, you are not getting any younger , you have done your bit for her ! time to move on before its too late
My wife needs me. I support her but I am self employed and could use some help financially and when I married her, I thought she would find a good job to help me out, or open her own business, but 16 years later she is still basically just a good housewife. We never had kids. She loves me and is devoted to me, but we are so different in every way, I just dont want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I just don't have the courage to tell her I want to separate. She would be devestated, leave me and not look back. I would be percieved by our family and friends as a fool since she has helped me make a good house, look better in appearance and has ne being a better person, but I want to get back to doing my art which doesn't pay so well, but I feel I must get back to it.
Well I must say Congrats to you fish. If you don't mind me asking ... how did you do it? I have attempted on multiple ocaasions but fell into to empty promises that last a week or two. I'm wondering if there is anyone that could help. II feel like I'm living a lie staying a telling her that I love her as much as she wants but I know that i don't and with 3 amazing kids that i cherish makes it hard for me to just up and say I'm done ... I can't keep doing this. ... I'm not happy any more ... like I said before I love her but like a sister or a sincere friend.

Personally it really feels likely I'm stricken around just for my children ... is this right is it wrong of me
You have separated. Congratulations on starting on YOUR life.

You're still supporting her. Good for you. Makes you a better person.

Now, start dating. You'd be surprised at how many women are out there who completely understand your situation and will still date you.

Don't hold back.

Just remember, YOU are not responsible for your wife's happiness. None of us can be responsible for another person's happiness.

She chose her actions. She lives with the consequences. Though I'm sure she's quite happy now.
FT, She has everything she wants... you not living there.... she can be the refuser without any excusses, no pressure to preform any marriatal duties.. SHE HAS IT JUST THE WAY SHE WANTS IT..

and you... are SUFFERING... and she don't care..... I believe it is time for you to move on as your situation will not change for the better... :(

everybody has to go through all the steps to get where they are going..... i.e. trying to fix the relationship in everyway possible...... but here comes a point where enough is enough ...

Please, just cut your losses, and move on with your life.... get the divorce quickly...

Just my advice as on the other side of divorce, life is better, not perfect, but MUCH better.. :)

You would not disagree would you, that you are in a better place now ?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, has she done anything about acknowledging / owning / working on her previous issues ??

I'd figure the answer to that one is "no", otherwise you might be back there.

So you did, and are doing, the right thing. You have provided an environment for her where she can clearly see that YOU were not the problem. What she chooses to do with that knowledge is down to her.

You will want to start thinking about unravelling her financial dependence on you soon. Seen a lawyer yet ?

Tread your own path.
Well sympathsize .... I've been married 12yrs ,been with my wife for just about 16yrs. We were high school sweethearts since gr.9 ... we have 3 loving children that mean the world to me.

But for about a year or more I notice/realized that my feelings for my wife was not the same anymore I look at her like a sister or a really good sovereign friend. I cantsay that I don't love her cause I do but just not the same. I've been kicking myself trying to figure out why and what I should do.

I keep writing down my feelings to try and clear my head, but doesn't really work. Have a good friend who wants to help by getting me to talk but it just hurts me to much cause I don't understand why. So yes I know what your going through and I understand what you're saying that you don't want to burgher niether ..

I also know that we have to stop and just live ... boy wouldn't that be nice live and not feel stuck or feel like youreliving a lie.

Well good luck
Well sympathsize .... I've been married 12yrs ,been with my wife for just about 16yrs. We were high school sweethearts since gr.9 ... we have 3 loving children that mean the world to me.

But for about a year or more I notice/realized that my feelings for my wife was not the same anymore I look at her like a sister or a really good sovereign friend. I cantsay that I don't love her cause I do but just not the same. I've been kicking myself trying to figure out why and what I should do.

I keep writing down my feelings to try and clear my head, but doesn't really work. Have a good friend who wants to help by getting me to talk but it just hurts me to much cause I don't understand why. So yes I know what your going through and I understand what you're saying that you don't want to burgher niether ..

I also know that we have to stop and just live ... boy wouldn't that be nice live and not feel stuck or feel like youreliving a lie.

Well good luck
Well sympathsize .... I've been married 12yrs ,been with my wife for just about 16yrs. We were high school sweethearts since gr.9 ... we have 3 loving children that mean the world to me.

But for about a year or more I notice/realized that my feelings for my wife was not the same anymore I look at her like a sister or a really good sovereign friend. I cantsay that I don't love her cause I do but just not the same. I've been kicking myself trying to figure out why and what I should do.

I keep writing down my feelings to try and clear my head, but doesn't really work. Have a good friend who wants to help by getting me to talk but it just hurts me to much cause I don't understand why. So yes I know what your going through and I understand what you're saying that you don't want to burgher niether ..

I also know that we have to stop and just live ... boy wouldn't that be nice live and not feel stuck or feel like youreliving a lie.

Well good luck
Hi... I'm going through your same moral dillema ,although in my case I have only been married a couple of years. We had a big talk the other day, and when I started talking, I thought I was looking to fix things. As I spoke and let it all out, not just the lack of sex but the myriad problems we have that we overlooked when we were blindly in love at the start... as I told him how I felt, I started to wish he would just want to break up. I didn't want to fix it. I wanted out. But since I spoke to him, and we put a time limit on it to fix things or break up, he has done a 180 turn around. He wants to make this work. He's trying- but I have brought up this stuff before and he never made any effort to fix things. I've grown so frustrated and resentful, that I've already broken up in my mind. It's gone... and now I have to break up with a man who appears devoted to me.. or at least, and this is what i think, is temporarily being the best he can be because he's afraid of losing me. How to do it, how to do that to someone you love? Ultimately I think it will come down to who do I love more. Myself, or him. And I think I love me more. But it's hard. It's really, really hard. I don't want to hurt him- I don't want to use him to find my own happiness and then discard him.. But I got married so young, I thought I needed a man to be happy. Now I'm realising the only thing I need a man for, I'm not getting from my relationship. I don't need someone for financial support, or someone to bicker with over every detail of life... it's so hard do this to him, I wish he'd just cheat on me or something so I could have an easy out. Anyway, I have no advice for you, just a lot of sympathy.
A very sincere thank you to you, CS. I was a bit hesitant to offer this suggestion, because open minds are not always a given. Perhaps I should still brace myself for some negative comments.. but I really do take heart from yours. Wishing you well, Maria
maria, well said !!! he is lucky his wife is willing to get help. Most "the usual" are not that lucky, the refusers refuse to get help as they "don't" need it.. I believe that is why most on this site are so dismal in there outlook for a positive outcome. Experience has taught us different. With that said, every marriage is different and the tendencies are similar. You have offered something here that I have not seen before.. Thanks you.. CS
And as usual, I do not quite agree with the usual comments made here. I may not be a victim of sexual abuse but I know people who are. It is important in your life, in your sex life, in everything. The person I know has been functioning for a longer time, and then there was a burglary in her house and she confronted the perps. It all took her back to that other kind of 'invasion'. This woman is close to her seventies... and familiar with psychotherapy. I do not believe in that so much. I believe in spiritual healing. Another thing is the common way society views sexuality. It is not the most helpful thing for the sexually abused. The woman passive, the man 'taking' her, you know the thing. Not so wonderful for the man either. Performance, pressure, sometimes exhaustion, alienation. People playing the part of the role model we are all used to. Not helpful. Might I suggest discovering a new way. If she is interested of course, and you are. Through Tantra and tao, sexuality is approached as a healing energy, that one can become more conscious about. There are sexual practices meant to help partners to trust eachother. And that is only the beginning. I myself practised tao by coincidence almost because I was asked to write an article on it. I worked for an entire weekend with Saida Desilets, a hawaii ba<x>sed lovely woman totally into new sexuality through Tao, and the healing of both women and men (she has a partner specialized in the men perspective, Sol). She does regular tours, so does he, sometimes together, or perhaps she can refer you to someone good if they/she should not be around at the right time. Perhaps your wife wants to try a weekend of it, if you give it to her as a present. Some weekends are for couples, that may be a bit much to begin with. Some however are female exploration, where a woman learns to know and trust her sexual energy, and become more active physically and spiritually and emotionally so sexuality is a 'joint venture', not something mostly pursued by a man and consented to by a woman. Anyway. Just a suggestion from someone who found this a wonderful way into new sexuality. If it is not your thing, consider this a note to cheer you on in whatever decision you in the end feel is right for her and you both. If it might be something you both would be interested in, I hope sincerely it will help. I do agree with you not rushing it, although I would advise you to bring it into the open, discuss it, try to see her needs and feelings and see if you can deblock interaction sexually and perhaps also in other ways. Wishing you the very best, whatever the outcome will be.
I don't want to spook you fish, but just give you a heads up.

"Whenever" (or indeed 'IF ever') you do this it will NOT be any easier. Whether you pull up stumps now, or in 3 months, 3 years, whatever - it will NOT be any easier. Indeed, I think the longer it goes on the harder it gets.

You CAN start preparing yourself, by thinking through how you would leave etc etc etc in a theoretical sense, so you have a well reasoned exit strategy in place for "when" you are ready to pull the pin.

Tread your own path.


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Young's Literal Translation (YLT) | New International Version (NIV) |
20 Go out from Babylon, flee from the Chaldeans, With a voice of singing declare, Cause ye this to be heard, Bring it forth unto the end of the earth, Say, Redeemed hath Jehovah His servant Jacob. | 20 Leave Babylon, flee from the Babylonians! Announce this with shouts of joy and proclaim it. Send it out to the ends of the earth; say, "The LORD has redeemed his servant Jacob." |
Young's Literal Translation is in the public domain. (Young's Literal Translation - The Bible Online) | Scripture quoted by permission. Quotations designated (NIV) are from THE HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica. All rights reserved worldwide. (New International Version Bible Online) |


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