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A nod from Justin Bieber on Twitter can literally change your whole life–it did for Carly Rae Jepsen. The popularity of the infectious pop tune "Call Me Maybe" has resulted in countless hilarious, good and bad covers of the 26-year-old Canadian's song. From Katy Perry to .fun singers have taken a shot at covering the pop phenomenon of the year. CRJ gets major cool points in the form of Big Sean choosing "Call Me Maybe" as our Song of the Summer, which you can vote for here, but her latest accolade is measured by its rule on the Billboard Hot 100 charts. Read more…
The 2012 VMA Nominations Are In, And It's A Good Year To Be Drake Or Rihanna
The 2012 MTV Video Music Award nominations are in, and this year and among the nominees are the usual suspects (Katy Perry, Maroon 5, Usher, Justin Bieber, Kanye West), the internet raised (Carly Rae Jepsen, Gotye, Childish Gambino, Lana Del Rey), strong women (M.I.A., Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé), fresh faces (A$AP Rocky, Frank Ocean) and boy bands (One Direction, The Wanted). And all are led by Drake and Rihanna, with five nods a piece, who picked up four for their "Take Care" video (Video of the Year, Best Male Video, Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography) and who will face off for Video of the Year (Drake's "Take Care" versus Rihanna's "We Found Love"). Quite the crew, don't you think?
The show will live on September 6th at 8 p.m. EST from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, and it will feature performances from Alicia Keys and One Direction, assuring that viewers will be the real winners that night.
See all the nominees in all the categories below:
Song Of The Summer 2012: Katy Perry May Have "Fallen From Cloud Nine" IRL, But "Wide Awake" Stays At #1
Welcome to Week 3 of VH1′s Song Of The Summer Countdown, brought to you by our good friends over at Dove Clinical Protection Deodorant. Each week from now until Labor Day, VH1 will be keeping tabs on which songs will ultimately come to define the summer of 2012, as measured by their performance across six categories: the VH1 Top 20 Video Countdown, Billboard's Hot 100, Spotify's most-streamed songs, the iTunes Singles Chart, YouTube's music chart, and YOUR VOTES (which, btw, if you haven't voted yet, you should totally vote now!).
Last week, Katy Perry outmuscled presumptive frontrunner Carly Rae Jepsen to overtake the #1 spot on our countdown, and the top of the chart remains the same this week. Buoyed by a strong number of votes from the Katycat contingent —only One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful" and Pitbull and Shakira's "Get It Started" received more fan votes on sots.vh1.com— Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" is staying put in the #1 position this week. (Subscribe to our VH1 Song Of The Summer 2012 playlist on Spotify!)
That doesn't mean that she doesn't have some challengers, though! In addition to Carly Rae Jepsen's summer smash, Flo Rida's "Whistle" lept up three spots to #7 this week, and the aforementioned One Direction climbed from #17 all the way to #7 with their irresistable hit, "What Makes You Beautiful." Who will be on top next week? Be sure to check back with us all week for updates, and don't forget to vote for the Song Of The Summer over at sots.vh1.com! (Oh, and if you want to see how this week's chart was formulated, check out our super detailed/nerdy chart below.)
Read more…
Ryan Lochte Gets Gold And Then A "Call Me" Of His Own
Maybe it's too soon to call, but our money is on Carly Rae Jepsen winning the 2012 London Olympics MVP, as "Call Me" fever has been spiriting medal winners Canadian and otherwise. Last week, the so-far winning U.S. Olympic swim team won our affection with a spirited, lip-synch to the song that just won't quit. And now, the team's breakout star has earned himself a "Call Me" cover as good as his gold.
Ryan Lochte upset Michael Phelps in the 400m IM on Saturday, and emerged from the pool one of the most fawned over U.S. Olympians this round. He atop the podium, the internet went ahead and declared him "King of the Pool" with this hilarious "Call Me Lochte" paradoy. "It's hard to swim right by Phelps, baby/ But this is my year, so call me Lochte," the rework riffs, swapping the original's indecisive "maybe" for the more confident kiss-off of a winner. Is it too late to change the national anthem? Because this seems to be working. Read more…
Last Lap: The US Olympic Swim Team Performs Their Own Lip Dub Of "Call Me Maybe"
We're not exactly sure where this picture of Axl Rose wearing a Missoni robe came from, or who his galpal is, but one thing we are sure of is that this picture sort of gives us the creeps. [Dangerous Minds]
Your favorite US Olympian swimmers (Michael Phelps, Ryan Lochte, etc.) are the latest squad of athletes to go cray for Carly Rae Jepsen (who, we should point out, is Canadian). We'll overlook their lack of patriotism this time around. [Vulture]
Last Lap: Carly Rae Jepsen Rebukes Sex Tape Rumors
Word spread last night that the "Good Times" singer had been caught canoodling on tape. But it's not so. "Ridiculous," she says. "Obviously not me." [MTV]
According to Emma Hack, neither "Wally" nor Kimbra knew exactly what they were getting themselves into — in a good way. "Both artists loved the concept," she says of her work. "It never occurred to them they were pushing the envelope." [PopDust]
It's All About Having A "Good Time" When You're Twentysomething Year Old Carly Rae Jepsen And Adam Young Of Owl City
When is life not a good time when you're a twentysomething rising star? For the visual to "Good Time," Carly Rae Jepsen and Owl City's Adam Young take a quick trip to a cabin in the woods with their other twentysomething friends all looking to have a blast. By day the group rock out in the car while road tripping. Once they've arrived they take their slushies to the wilderness to trollop through the pebbles and swamp barefoot. By night they build a campfire and pitch a tent. But not to be confused with a regular weekend in the woods only complete by roasting s'mores (although they do that too!). CRJ and Adam Young have a full-out party, making it a good time to remember. Read more…
Song Of The Summer 2012: Your Votes Propel Katy Perry Ahead Of Carly Rae Jepsen!
Welcome to Week 2 of VH1′s Song Of The Summer Countdown, and boy oh boy, we've already got ourselves a huge upset in the making!
Propelled by a large number of user votes, Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" overtook the presumptive Song Of The Summer favorite, Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe," as the frontrunner for this year's crown. In fact, as you'll see in the chart above, there was lots of movement from where we were sitting at this time last week; 15 of the 20 songs in our chart either moved up or down in the rankings, and three new songs — One Direction's "One Thing," P!nk's "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" and Carrie Underwood's "Good Girl"— entered the chart for the first time!
As a reminder, here's how our Song Of The Summer countdown works.
Read more…
Carly Rae Jepsen Defers On Song of the Summer, Chooses "We Are Young" Instead Of "Call Me Maybe"
If early front-runner Carly Rae Jepsen was rooting for her own "Call Me Maybe" for Song of the Summer, we wouldn't have held it against her. Big Sean has got her back, and she would hardly be alone in her vote. But when we caught-up her last night on the red carpet at of the Teen Choice Awards she instead deferred the title to a fellow nominee. "I mean, I have a lot of songs that I love about summer," she offered diplomatically before admitting, that this time around, she's really into the fun.'s indie-pop anthem "We Are Young." She also showed some love "for sure" for No Doubt, who returned to the stage last night. "I want to shake their hands, say thank you for the amazing music," she gushed. No shame in either choice!
It's nice that, even though there were Summer Song and Breakout Artist boards waiting for her, Jepsen is still feeling all "I-just-met-you" about her quick rise to fame. "I'm not quite used to it yet," she said, looking and sounding truly demure in a satin-white blazer and palm-tree covered skirt. "But I don't think I ever want to become used to it, because it's really fun to be here and be like, 'Ah! This is crazy!'"
Big Sean Thinks "Mercy" Should Be The Song Of The Summer Because…It's Music You Can Literally Do Everything To
If there's one place to see fresh faced young talent it's the annual Teen Choice Awards. Always filled with fun surprises and performances, this year the five cutest moments, which was pretty hard to narrow down, and the worst dressed celebs who get an A for effort, were some of the highlights. But on the red carpet is where the special magic happened when we chatted with Carly Rae Jepsen and Big Sean about their picks for VH1's Song of the Summer. Read more…


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Topics :: GLBT health care
1 thru 10 of 39 Stories
Greenhouse Named Leader in LGBT Healthcare Equality
The Greenhouse, a leading provider of substance abuse treatment services for individuals with drug and/or alcohol addiction in the Dallas are, has been recognized as a "Leader in LGBT Healthcare Equality" by the Human Rights Campaign.
HRC Demands End to LGBT Discrimination at Hospitals
The HRC's new reports reveals that LGBT Americans are still facing discrimination in health care. They demand that facilities adopt inclusive non-discrimination policies.
Former HHS Head Sebelius Accepts LGBT Medical Professionals Award
On Thursday, September 11, the Honorable Kathleen Sebelius, 21st U.S. Secretary of Health & Human Services, will be honored with the GLMA Achievement Award during GLMA's 32nd Annual Conference in Baltimore, MD.
International Medical Manual Entering the Late 20th Century?
Break out your platform glitter shoes: The World Health Organization might just be preparing to party like it's 1973.
Health-Care Fears Loom Large in Gay Marriage Cases
Dozens of same-sex couples are challenging Indiana's and Wisconsin's gay marriage bans in a case being heard Tuesday in the 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Chicago. Looming large in the case is the issue of medical emergencies they face.
The State of Transgender Healthcare
I've yet to meet a gay or lesbian person who needed to be treated medically for their sexual orientation. But many, if not most, transgender people require medical treatment to find some sense of relief and comfort with their bodies.
Mass. Legislators Approve Funding for Prostate Health Awareness
On June 30, The Massachusetts' House of Representatives and Senate created a new education and awareness program dedicated to prostate cancer.
HHC Launches First LGBT Health Clinic, in Harlem
On June 5, HHCs Metropolitan Hospital Center in East Harlem opened its new LGBT Health Center, which aims to better serve and remove barriers to care for New York City's LGBT populations.
Castro Health Center on Track
San Francisco's largest HIV/AIDS-related nonprofit is continuing to build a gay men's health and wellness center in the Castro neighborhood as it also aims to re-launch one of its fundraising events.
Lyon-Martin Explores Merger
Lyon-Martin Health Services, a nonprofit that provides primary medical care to women and transgender people regardless of their ability to pay, and HealthRight 360, which offers substance abuse counseling and other programs, are exploring a merger.
1 thru 10 of 39 Stories

subset: commoncrawl


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New Sportsbook.ag customers: Make your 1st bet, get your 2nd bet free, 100%, winnings paid in cash.Join Now
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NEW YORK (AP) - Tea Time, Recepta and Storming Inti won the $100,000 stakes for 2-year-olds on Sunday, the final program of the year at Belmont Park.
Recepta took the Chelsea Flower for fillies and Storming Inti prevailed in the Awad, a pair of mile grass stakes.
Recepta rallied from 10th to beat A Little Bit Sassy by 3 1/4 lengths, her second win in three starts. She was clocked in 1:35.63, paying $11.80 to win with Junior Alvarado riding for trainer Jimmy Toner.
Storming Inti, ridden by Javier Castellano for trainer Chad Brown, held off Tuscan Getaway by three quarters of a length for his second win in three starts. He paid $6.30 to win. The time was 1:35.47.
New York racing shifts to Aqueduct on Friday.
Copyright 2015The Associated PressAll Rights Reserved


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Comment posted Council Elections: The count by Robert Wakeham.
Even when used as an adjective (rather than a noun) to describe a language and one that's the native language of a whole lot more countries than just England?
Robert Wakeham also commented
- Since your Christian name is School I'll believe you.
- Correction: grow up or sober up.
- Looks like Simon's acquired a doppelganger.
- Grow up.
- That's what your 'statements' suggest.
Recent comments by Robert Wakeham
- 8,747 sign petition for acceptance of SCCDC's Castle Toward offer – as move to call special meeting of council accelerates
So the ferries would run themselves? - Astonishing infrastructural deficiency threatens Oban's business development
So you're one of the 'can't be done' brigade – why not, for goodness sake? - Astonishing infrastructural deficiency threatens Oban's business development
'…no new connections have been allowed for years' – the 'can't be done' school of thought, so easily criticised from the other side of the pond as a British disease, we need this sort of restriction like a hole in the head..
This is surely a festering scandal, with Campbeltown, Oban and Dunoon contending with varying degrees of geographical disadvantage in the search for healthy local economies.
It's a privatised utility, but for all I know it was the same story before privatisation – and do our governments really have no say when this utility is being managed against the public interest?
Today the energy utilities are reporting huge rises in their profits, so maybe we need a touch of Greek-style re-nationalisation of energy distribution businesses? - Astonishing infrastructural deficiency threatens Oban's business development
A touch smug, Mr Stanger – there was a hotel on the site before.
I don't know whether you live in Oban, but I always wonder at the extraordinary infrastructural deficit in the Oban road network, with just about all traffic between the north and Oban / southern Argyll being funnelled through the 'bealach', no sign of a link road around the inland side of the town and the only thing resembling a bypass being the low-speed single track road of extremely limited capacity (and even less passing places) between Connel and Kilmore.
Add to this the really remarkable lack of proper pavements on some of the busiest streets, and the quite incomprehensible failure to create a link road from the Glenshellach area through the back of Lochavullin to the Albany Street / Shore Street junction, and you've got a picture of catastrophic complacency. Or is it smugness? - So what has damaged MV Loch Seaforth been up to?
I was once sitting out on the aft deck of Western Ferries' 'Sound of Jura', returning from Islay on a summer evening, when the boat unexpectedly performed a complete circle – and Arthur Blue emerged from the engine room door, looked around, scratched his head, and disappeared back down the ladder whence he'd come. We soon continued on our way without further incident – these things happen.
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History »
How Dry Cleaning Works and Who Invented It
Ricky A. asks: How do dry cleaners clean the clothes? What happens to clothes after being dropped off at the dry cleaners is a mystery to most. We know that our clothes come back
Read More »What Killed Mozart?
Karly N. asks: What did Mozart die from? In 35 short years, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart produced over 600 works for symphony, concert, chamber, opera and choir, including Don Giovanni, The Magic Flute and The
Read More »The Invention of Morphine
Justin V. asks: Who invented morphine? Derived from opium but far more reliable and powerful, the invention of morphine changed pharmacology and pain relief. A (Very) Short History of Opium Derived from the seedpods
Read More »The Twisted Tale of Delphine LaLaurie and Her House of Horrors
Over 200 years ago, a torture chamber was discovered in the attic of a wealthy socialite. Through the years, the tale of her brutality has grown and shifted, and today, it is difficult to
Read More »That Time About Two-Thirds of China's Population, and then a Decade Later About Half of Europe's, Up and Died
Pandemics have been the bane of humanity throughout history. Although the past few centuries have witnessed numerous epidemics, and even a handful of pandemics, none compare to the Black Death of the 14th century
Read More »A Brief History of the Ballpoint Pen and Whether NASA Really Spent Millions Developing a Pressurized Version Instead of Just Using Pencils
Kyle S. asks: There's a story circulating around that NASA found out pens didn't work in space, but still needed a writing device that would work there, so they spent millions of tax payer
Read More »The Bum Brigade
On October 29, 1929, on what would become known as "Black Tuesday," the stock market crashed. In one terrible day, the market lost fourteen billion dollars (about $188B today), signaling the beginning of the
Read More »The Greatest Practical Joke of the 19th Century
Today I found out about the greatest practical jokes of the 19th century, the Berners Street Hoax.The year was 1809. Famed English author, Theodore Hook, made a bet with one of his close friends,
Read More »The Legend of Spring Heeled Jack
During the early years of the Victorian era, an imposing figure dressed in black terrorized the English countryside almost unchallenged. According to eyewitness accounts, this specter had bulging, red eyes, pointy ears and razor-sharp
Read More »The Eradication of Smallpox
Despite ethnic, religious, regional and political differences, every now and then people are able to set aside disagreements, look to their common humanity, and make the world a better place. Perhaps one of the
Read More »The Many U.S. Presidents Before George Washington
Today I found out about the presidents before the U.S. Constitution went into effect. Schools in the United States teach children from an early age that the first president of the United States was
Read More »A Brief History of Taxes in the U.S. & Why They are Due on April 15th
Ian K. asks: Why are taxes due on April 15th? As Ben Franklin wrote in a 1789 letter to Baptiste Leroy, "… in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death
Read More »What Ever Happened to Confederate President Jefferson Davis?
Cailin asks: What happened to Jefferson Davis after the Civil War? Jefferson Davis was attending a Sunday church service in the capital of the Confederacy, Richmond, Virginia, when he heard the news. Union General
Read More »Did the Warrior Women Known as the Amazons Ever Exist?
Marleen asks: Did Amazon women really ever exist? They are mentioned time and again by the ancient Greeks in both their history and mythology, going all the way back to Homer in approximately the
Read More »From Desert to Party Central: The Birth of Las Vegas
For thousands of years, Mohave tribes dotted the land in and around what is now the modern-day city of Las Vegas. Sometime in the 1770s, Spanish missionary Francisco Gracias became the first foreigner to
Read More »The Origin of the QWERTY Keyboard
Today I found out the origin of the QWERTY keyboard.The first typewriter was introduced to the United States in 1868 by Christopher Latham Sholes. His first attempt to build a typing device consisted of
Read More »The Men Who Walked on the Moon
Marcus L. asks: How many people walked on the moon? Who were they? Forty-five years ago this month, a human being first set foot on the moon. Despite four and a half decades and
Read More »Why Does Rhode Island Have "Island" in the Name When It is Not One?
Aaron asks: Why is Rhode Island called an island when it is not? Most think the history of Rhode Island starts with Roger Williams, but the state's "discovery" (at least by Europeans) dates back
Read More »


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Registration is now open for YXL Glorieta 2011. The cost is $475 for students, $450 if you register and pay on or before May 30th.
Update May 12, 2011 — Some of you may have experienced trouble with the registration form recently. We upgraded the form system and it should work correctly now.


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Too many questions
A question about questions.
Q: This is short and to the point; I'm sure other folks are in this situation as well. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, we own a home together and are happy. Despite our current state of happiness, people continuously ask us if or when we are getting married. Some go as far as to ask us when we are having children. Why do people think this is appropriate to ask? I usually follow up with a simple answer, something along the lines of "we're happy the way things are" or "we take it day by day" but that can lead to more intrusive questioning like, "well, don't you think about it?" Why can't people respect our answers and stop asking? When we do it, they'll be the first to know.
-- Stop Asking, Revere
A: SA, the rules of small talk have always seemed odd to me. It's taboo to ask people how much money they make, but for some reason, it's totally acceptable to ask them why they're not married and what they plan to do with their reproductive organs.
If you're single, people ask if you're dating. If you're dating, people ask about marriage. If you're married, it's kids. And if you have kids, it's, "Are you going to have another kid?"
I usually get this question from single. They feel that when they're asked about dating, they're forced to lie to make their situation seem better than it is to make the question-asker comfortable. As in, "No, I'm not dating -- because I'm just really busy."
It'd be great if we could answer all personal questions honestly, no matter how uncomfortable it made the question-asker. Like, "We're not getting married because our married friends seem bored." Or, "I'm not pregnant yet because I'm having trouble conceiving." Or, "I'm not dating because I have a tiny rash on my behind that I'd like to clear up before I get naked again."
I give most people the benefit of the doubt. I think most people ask personal questions because they're curious -- and because, really, what else are they supposed to ask you about? But there are folks who ask for the wrong reasons. Some need to know that you want what they want. They need to be validated.
All you can do is answer and smile. Say, "We've been focusing on buying property," or "We're doing the Goldie Hawn-Kurt Russell thing."
It's annoying. But I don't see any way around it. Just try not to let it get to you. And know that at some point in your life, you've been that annoying question-asker without even knowing it. We all have.
Readers, thoughts on answering these personal questions? Share here.
-- Meredith
My husband and I have heard the conception question many times. For me, it's difficult to answer because I have had a miscarriage. I hadn't announced my pregnancy yet. People think this question is appropriate, yet they don't know how much pain they can cause an individual when they ask.
I am sorry you are getting these annoying questions. I know some people who simply do not believe in marriage. I have heard them answer the question in that fashion. They don't need a piece of paper to validate their relationship.
I hope you are able to simply answer in a manner which you are comfortable and blow it off. I'm sure you are happy with the way things are. It is none of anyone else's business how you choose to live.
People are always going to ask questions.
Just do what you've been doing. There is no way around it.Next!
Shouldn't this be under the Miss Manners column? LAME
For the particularly persistent, "When are you going to stop being so nosy?" tends to work.
I agree that some people are trying to validate their own choices when they ask these questions. My husband and I don't plan to have children. Some people get very defensive and ask "why not?". When we tell them our reasons, they come up with an argument for every one. They want very much to convince us that they are "having their cake and eating it too." So now, I don't even give reasons why. I just say maybe we will in our next lifetime.
Nosy people are annoying, but anytime you live in a way that is outside of the norm (long-term relationship with home ownership without being married), you will be asked these questions. If you are truly happy with your situation, then you shouldn't let it get to you. But are you truly happy with the situation? Might be worth exploring why these questions bother you so much.
There are myriad wise-guy answers to "are you getting married?":
- No we want to stay happy
- No we don't want to incur the tax penalties
- No why should we ruin our sex life?
- Based on your experience why should we?
- We're still working out the 100 page pre-nup
- Marriage is so 20th Century
- Living in sin is so much more exhilarating
- No we don't want to get divorced
- No we purchased a house and have been together for 5 years but we're not that seriousFeel free to pilfer any of them.
I think no matter what situation you are asked about (buying real estate, getting married, having kids, going to a restaurant, whatever...) your response should always be "I have a tiny rash on my behind that I'd like to clear up before I get naked again."
For example:
Person 1: Hey, did you get a chance to see "Funny People" this weekend?
Person 2: I have a tiny rash on my behind that I'd like to clear up before I get naked again.
Person 1: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh...................... -
I absolutely LOATHE these questions, too. People don't realize how rude it is. I just accept it, but I usually have some stock answers.
I just hate people that keep focusing on what your "next step" will be. How come you have to always be planning the "next step"? I feel that so many people are concerned about "what's next" and forget to live in the moment.
What do you ask somebody who is retired and all set? "When are you going to just die already"?
I was with my wife for around 6 years before we married, around 4 years before we got engaged, and we still don't have a house, so that's the typical question we get, especially from her family. They are so concerned about us settling down, especially because her siblings have "settled down" in upstate NY, have houses, and children.
The funny thing is that we are married and do not have children and are planning on doing a lot of cool things that her siblings can no longer do due to having kids already. It's almost as if there's something wrong with you if you do not meet the right person, get married, have a kid, buy a house, and live miserably ever after.
SAR.....don't take offense when they ask. Just tell 'em you guys are fine with "shacking up" and enjoy the awkward silence and then they will change the topic.
Gas not Gears. Get 'em with the door. Increase your carbon footprint.
I'm with Meredith: "We're happy with the way things are right now."
Just of curiosity, though: Why aren't you married? Do you plan to get married? I'm interested that you don't say that in your letter at all.
Just answer their questions, why so offended?
I don't think it's a big deal.
Suck it up.
. -
"Stop Asking", take a week and really listen to yourself talking to other people. I bet you ask a lot of similar questions of other people and don't think twice about it.
I moved all around this country growing up, and in pretty much every other place I've lived, small talk was very common, very innocent and very friendly. Yet here in New England, a common ice-breaker question is greeted with scorn and annoyance. Perhaps you should learn to answer the question politely and then steer the question onto another subject. Or perhaps you should realize that the question asker (gasp) might just be interested in your life and want to know more about it -- and they (gasp) ask questions about it.
Lighten up, people. The economy sucks, we had a long winter, pretty much NO summer and people are having to do a lot more with less. Give the gift of kindness and enjoy a chat with a friend, or make a new friend. It doesn't cost anything and just makes the world a kinder place.
I feel for you, I really do. I don't want children, and people always ask "Why". The answer I refrain from giving is "none of your darn business". I think Meredith is right, what else do you talk about? It's like when you're in college and people ask "what's your major?" Not that it's anywhere near as personal a question, it's just a life question. What are your plans? It just feels so invasive when people ask those questions though. I suggest coming up with a standard answer and use it every time. Good luck!
Let them ask and you can just give them pat answers like "We are not planning a wedding." or "We are not ready for kids yet." If they pursue it further just say that there is nothing deeper in your answers than what you told them already and if they are not truly rude they should leave it alone at that.
i feel that the question they're really asking is... "when are you going to give up this carefree lifestyle i'm jealous of and be more stessed out and financially strapped like me?" i flat out asked my family to stop inquiring about when the kids are coming because it was upsetting my wife. (we want kids we just realize we arent financially there yet and are somewhat bummed out by the fact) but STILL they can't help themselves..... its a sickness.
I agree that it's annoying, but also agree with Meredith that it's best to just give people the benefit of the doubt and answer them politely, then eliminate any opportunity for prying follow-up questions by immediately steering the conversation away from yourself. Something like this:
MS. NOSEY: "Oh, you've been together 5 years, huh? Well, what are you waiting for??"
YOU: "We'll we're happy with the way things are now. Oh I love your shoes by the way, where did you get them?"
Just remember that we live in a culture in which people generally reveal way too much personal information about themselves to virtual strangers. While this does not mean that you should feel the need to do so, you can hardly fault the Ms. Nosies of the world for assuming otherwise.
Is this a rant or a question?
Most people are probably just asking you about your lack of marriage because they are curious. You are doing something that deviates from their idea of normal, so they want to know why. They aren't being necessarily being judgmental, they are just curious. I do the same thing whenever someone tells me they are a vegetarian.
Of course, there probably are some (particularly family members) who are trying to give you unsolicited advice. There is definitely a real difference between being married and living together (see yesterday's letter, and one a week or two ago where a woman bought a house with a man and they are breaking up). The choice of whether you get married or just live together can have real consequences, and family members and close friends often stick their noses in such matters. That's life. If there is someone who's driving you crazy, you should tell them to shut up about it.
Of course, some people are judgmental, but pay them no mind.
I've known a number of people who did exactly what you are doing. They all ended up getting married when they decided to have kids.
Ugh - I've been there! My husband & I owned our home and were together for 12 years before we got married. At least our unmarried state led to fewer questions about kids! And as the years passed, we got fewer questions about getting married - I think people eventually got used to it. I think lots of times, people are just looking for conversation topics - don't take it personally (although I agree with Meredith that some people are looking for validation of their own choices). When I get questions about kids now, I go with the honest answer that will embarrass the asker: I got my tubes tied! Why no kids? Again with the honesty: I don't like kids. That pretty much shuts them up.
I get these marriage questions often. Sometimes--depending on how much i (dis)like the person or how many times a particular person has asked--I answer that it is up to us, or something we'll decide on our own, or I just say, "I don't know" and change the subject.
However, Meredith is wrong. We don't all ask these intrusive questions. I pay particular attention to this, because I find it to be so rude. Many people do ask intrusive and rude questions, but others don't. These others make conversation on their own.
Questions I also hate include asking unemployed acquaintances about job searches, asking cancer patients in remission about their health, and asking asking children about their parents' divorce.
I've been in a relationship for 5 years as well, and get this question a lot too. Try this next time someone asks you about getting married:
"We're waiting until we meet the right people"
Its' hilarious, and always stops people in their tracks. Trust me, they'll change the subject immediately.
It never ends. When are you getting engaged? When is the wedding? When are you having kids? When are you buying a house? when is the baby due? When are you having the next kid? When are you moving into a bigger house? etc, etc, etc. "When we decide that we want to." is the only response that has ever shut anyone up for us, and that is a just a technique to stall. I try not to ask someone a personal question unless I could accept being told the worst honest answer possible. I wish people would live by that rule!
SA, take a chill pill. People who care about you see you on the brink of an exciting, happy, life changing moment (marriage) and they want to celebrate with you when it happens. The anticipation is killing them! So instead of getting upset, just smile and let them know that you're happy as you are and "maybe someday" you'll tie the knot.
Try not to get worked up about such a simple question asked with the best intentions. Everyone wants to attend a wedding. Answer positively and turn it around on them with, "how's your love life going?" and a wink.
Your question reminds me of something I was reading this morning:
At 20, you care a lot what people think
At 40 you don't care (I am 40 - this is totally true for me)
At 60 you realize that no one was thinking about you anywayWeddings and babies are fun, happy topics. That's why it comes up in conversation.
"Can't say that I do" Haiku
Passive aggressive happens
So, when are you due?
I look them straight in the face and tell them "I can't have kids". It usually shuts them up and makes them feel awkward and uncomfortable. Which amuses me.
It certainly teaches them a lesson about asking questions.
Ceej -
Simply turn the tables by asking "Why do you ask?" This puts the discomfort back on them as they need to justify or explain why they felt the need to ask a personal question. If they follow up with yet another stupid question or comment, then you hit them with a showstopper like "Although I'm flattered that you are that curious about my personal situation, I'm afraid there is no one single answer to it.", then make the Joey Tribiani "Smell the fart" soap opera acting face. Rinse and repeat as needed until the annoying questions cease.
Ok, now that we've handled the ms. manners ettiquette letter, let's have the real Love Letter blog for today, please.
- Hoss
One idea: have an anniversary party for yourself and your significant other and invite all your friends! When people ask about engagement, say you're happy how you are and you want to celebrate 5 years of a wonderful relationship. It's worth celebrating your commitment even without a ring on your finger. Eventually, your friends will get the idea that cohabitation without marraige is your thing, and they'll stop asking.
People are just plain rude. It's like they almost want to hear a negative reply when they ask you WHEN, WHERE, WHO, WHAT, WHY
Who's business is it anyway? Not theirs!
I get so mad when people ask me those aformentioned questions.
Mer, you are SPOT on!
My sister constantly has to answer the question "When are you having kids." And she says "It's not for us" "We have careers we like," etc. And people give her shocked looks like how DARE she not want to follow society and be a mother? And you now what? It sucks. Next time, tell them to mind their own business!!! Or ask them why they feel the need to know? Answer their question with a question that makes them realize they are asking something inappropriate.
I'm glad you are happy with your life as it is! That's great!
I would say "What a unique question, we haven't even thought about it. What do you think?"
They will immediately feel embarrassed for asking something so personal and then they are on the spot...
Well.....When ARE you going to get married?
Together for 5 years, own a home together and are happy. What's the big deal?There are a LOT of really good reasons why you should, especially when it comes to taxes, Social Securtiy, employee benefits, health insurance, etc, etc, etc. What good reasons do you have NOT to get married?
Seems kind of silly if it's one of those things where you 'don't believe in it' or 'don't need a piece of paper to prove your love/commitment'. It's a practical matter and a reasonable question.
Asking about having kids on the other hand is more personal and could lead to hurt feelings. So that is definitely off limits.Just Do It!
Please consider getting over yourself. Most of these questions are mere pleasantries, along the line of "what do you do for work?" or "what do you think looks good on the menu?" Those asking do not really care all that much what your actual answer is. Only two types get offended by such things. The first is the icy, born-and-bred New Englander. In much of the rest of the world, people demonstrate a friendly interest in one another (and their good manners) by doing crazy things like: (1) saying "hello" when passing someone, even a stranger, or (2) asking questions when spending time with friends which suggest an interest in the friends and their activities. The second group is people who are not comfortable with themselves and their decisions. Many object to being asked about their lifestyle and choices because they feel defensive about them -- they don't want to have to engage in any internal debate. A question means they have to think about themselves, to go outside of their comfort zone. If you were happy and comfortable, you would be happy and comfortable saying, "it's a choice I've made, and I am very happy with it." You do this to others every single day, you are just not defensive about the same things others are defensive about.
I would call a spade a spade and just say "I consider that question intrusive." If you want to get snide about it when someone asks you when you are planning on whatever it is they want to know about, you can answer "About the same time you stop asking intrusive questions and invading my privacy."
I was in a long relationship and got these types of questions all the time. My best response? Answering a question with a question.
Example:"So, when are you guys going to get married"
"When was the last time you and your spouse had sex?"
"Why are you asking me such a personal question?"
"Well I thought it was OK since you just asked me such a personal question."Of course you need to consider who you are speaking with.
Good luck with the nosy people. They just have no clue so they need to be stopped in their tracks.
People arent going to stop asking those questions because we are awkward, pre-programed sheep and thats what we've been programed to do by society. Its like when people feel the need to complain about the weather all the time and they are never happy. They live in New England, but I hate the snow or June was too cool and rainy, and now its too hot and muggy. Its the drivel we all put up with on a daily baisis.
You will forever be judged against what mainstream society is doing so either accept it and move on with your happy life or make it a mission of yours to correct everyone who asks you.
I think the best reply to nosy questions is to just pause a moment and then say, "Why would you ask me that?"
Ya know, I love to make people uneasy…uncomfortable in their own skin…put them in a position to think fast and come up with a quick retort. It's a hobby. Because conversations can be so rigid, like a Hallmark sympathy card, I choose to shake things up and force others to come out of their shell. If you don't like it, go suck an egg…or toss me out of your life. Then you can diet exclusively on comfort and toast. Nobody really gives a sh#t about when you'll get married or the status of your uterus. They just want to jar you into a more lucid state so they can finally have an exciting freakin' conversation with you. Shut up, play along and 'take the piss'. At the end of your life you get points for shocking people.
sounds to me like you're bitter that you haven't been asked or the question wouldn't be so bothersome!
Next time let the conversation go like this: "So when are you two getting Married?"
You: "I don't know, maybe you should bring it up with Fred? Lend him the $20k for a ring and me the $50k for the party"That hint should get your Fred on the right track!!
My dear, there are worse questions that could be asked. Like, why did you choose to have an abortion in the 31 week of justation. Try a nice PC answer for that one. I go with: "B/c I am the effen Anti-christ!" That is better than the horrible unlucky truth!!
I am in the same situation as you are - five years of dating someone, currently living together - and we are asked about marriage plans all of the time. It is annoying, especially since I am more keen on eloping anyway. I feel that most who ask are genuinely just trying to make small talk, rather than being nosy per se. I usually respond by saying that we are perfectly happy with how we are living our lives together and I leave it at that. If they persist, I'll smile and politely repeat myself. People tend to get the hint.
I get that question at times and it doesn't bother me much. It's just small talk.
It only gets annoying on two occasions:
1. After a holiday or other special occasion people look at you anxiously and ask if you finally got 'the ring'.
2. People who hardly count as acquaintances assume they will be invited to your wedding and tell you they need to know soon because they wanted to book this trip to the Bahamas next summer but couldn't in case they had to go to a wedding, *hint hint!*. -
It doesn't matter what your choices are. People are always going to ask questions about stuff that is none of their business. Everybody does it on some level, and Everybody gets asked annoying questions. Even if you ARE married, and you have the appropriate number of kids to satisfy them, they questions won't stop. "When are you getting your tubes tied?" "Why aren't you breastfeeding?" "Don't you think he's too old to be breastfeeding?" "When are you going back to work?" etc.. etc.. For some reason, it's just something that people do. You're not that special and frankly (unless it's your mother) nobody even really cares about your answer. So get over yourself and don't be offended. Answer the question in any way you please - or ignore it for that matter - then forget about it and move on.
Some people do ask those questions to simply make conversation and not to be intrusive into your personal life. I think the people that find the marriage question intrusive are people who are having problems in their relationship and they're not ready to admit, that they might not be ready to commit to that person forever....which is pretty akward if you've been with that person for a long time.
With regards to the baby question, again, the majority people who find that question intrusive are people having problems. Some people are more than happy to share this information.
I don't think it's always fair to group the question askers in to one group as being rude and intrusive.. -
Thanks for posting, JC. I completely agree. Another decision I made a long time ago was to just tell people "Wow, good for you" or "It sounds like you really like that" or "I'm happy you made a decision" when they tell me they did something that I may not 100% agree with but it's obvious that it makes them happy or they are really into the decision they made. It's sort of a nice way of minding my own business and showing support for a friend or colleague.
I always enjoy trips outside of New England because people will actually talk to you. The responses to this question are fairly typical of the New England attitude:
"When are you going to stop being so nosy?"
"That pretty much shuts them up."
"Its' hilarious, and always stops people in their tracks."
"This puts the discomfort back on them"
"They will immediately feel embarrassed for asking something so personal and then they are on the spot..."Think about being treated like this by someone else that you know -- casually, intimately, co-worker or just someone on the street. What image are you projecting? What impression are you making? You never know if the next person you meet is going to be your new best friend for life, help get you the dream job you've always been looking for, give you a hot stock tip, make you laugh really hard, watch your dog when you have to leave unexpectedly or just become someone who is good to talk to. You might never see them again. When you slam the door immediately on the conversation, nothing at all constructive ever happens.
Really, people, concentrate on making the world happier and you'll feel better about yourselves, too.
Amen to JC (#33). Get over yourselves people. 99% of the time the person asking isn't being nosy, they're just showing an interest in you and they mean no harm. As a rule I don't ask people these types of questions (primarily because I don't care, but also because I don't want to be thought of as SO RUDE), but I don't really care if someone asks me. I have a 10 year age difference between my two kids, so for about 8 years I was getting asked when we were going to have a second one. My answer: "Don't know, maybe never." No further explanation needed. Seemed to work okay for me...
I hate when people ask these kinds of questions, it's so hurtful, rude and demeaning. They should be called on the floor and beaten. DH and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year, and every time I hear the question I want to sob and kick someone.
A few fantasy comebacks include:
1) "How's YOUR sex life."
2) "What's wrong with my life now?"
3) When are you going to lose all that weight?
Or the basic "That's a hurtful question." -
here's a thought: be honest and tactful at the same time. also, take back the control of the boundaries of what is alright to talk about and what is not.
example: when asked when you're going to get married, reply that it's a private matter, but thank you for asking.
once word gets around, only the truly epically rude will try and ask you that question again.
here's the lesson: just because others think it's reasonable, you don't have to. you can do what you feel is appropriate. however, be prepared to lose some of those people you once called friends -- many people will not be able to handle honesty and integrity, and just being told "no, i won't answer that to your satisfaction."
don't worry, they were fair-weather friends anyway.
Honestly, I think people are ridiculously over lysensitive sometimes!
For goodness sake, when people ask you, "so, are you guys going to get married", just smile and say "things are fine the way they are". No need to get overly sensitive. Most of the people who ask this question are just doing some social small talk. Get a backbone! Stop letting a silly question get your knickers in such a twist!
I once dated a guy for 8 years. His family was constantly asking why we weren't married. Finally I answered: "I'm keeping my options open. Pretty sure I could do better than your son, and I don't want to settle" ...they never asked again.
People don't realize that they can be bringing up a difficult subject for some people when asking those questions. Especially the "When are you having a baby" question. One of my close friends was having an extremely hard time getting pregnant, several miscarraiges and failed attempts using fertility methods to get pregnant. People would ask her constantly when she was going to have a baby and it was painful every time. She is a very private person and didn't want to share the issues she was having with anyone... It's really nobody's business, however, they feel it is...
To be honest, SA, you sound so uptight and prickly that I don't think I'd ask you this question - or any others. In fact, you sound like someone I'd actively avoid talking to!
Take a deep breath and smile. People are trying to be nice. They aren't asking to offend you - they are asking because they are trying to reach out to you and engage you in a conversation on what they perceive to be a happy topic. People do all sorts of offensive things when they are trying to be nice - like give a family with a life&death peanut allergy a plate of Reese's cookies, or invite an unemployed person on a vacation they can't afford. Take it for what it is.
And if youre relationship is so rock solid...why do you get crazy-defensive when people ask you about it?
This type of question is definitely intrusive and can be hurtful.
As RITKat pointed out (and sorry to hear about your loss), some haven't had kids because they haven't been able to get pregnant or have miscarried but that isn't necessarily something they want to talk about.
I used to be in a long relationship in which I wanted to get married and he didn't (I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did but that is another story), which was upsetting for me and wasn't something I wanted to discuss with many people. (And it was frustrating how much more often I was the one being asked when are you getting married, especially because he was a few years older than me. When people like our dentist asked I would say "I don't know, why don't you ask him.") Yes JC, sometimes people are not comfortable with their decisions, but they shouldn't have to discuss it with anybody who is curious.
Or sometimes people just don't want to get married, have kids, etc and don't consider it polite small talk to be asked to defend or explain those choices.
Most people probably don't mean to be rude, but I think it should be pointed out that these aren't such nice questions. Hoss, great idea to use "Why do you ask?" - friendly, not defensive, but sort of changes the subject and could make the questioner reconsider being nosy.
And by the way - to K and JC, if you live here in New England I wonder why since you don't seem to like us New Englanders. I never understand people who choose to live in a place then insult the locals.
#7 -
"Living in sin is so much more exhilarating"
LOL. That is hilarious. I am going to use it. My bf and I have been together 7 years and we get this question ALL THE TIME. People just don't have anything better to talk about. -
Ugh...the kids question. This is more of a rant than anything else, but I'm SO TIRED of getting that. A.) I'm not even married, B.) I probably actually can't have kids, and C.) it's good that I probably can't have kids because I wouldn't want them anyway.
"No, I don't hate kids, they're fine...I just don't want any...I dunno, I just DON'T.... I like my life the way it is...Well, I want the time to travel, volunteer and work at a career I love...I'll borrow my godkids when I feel the need to be maternal...blah blah blah..."
Can't tell you how many times I've gone through that spiel.
Fortunately, I'm not easily offended, but could definitely see someone else being offended by the kids question, especially if they can't have them. But more importantly, I think maybe society needs to accept that there really isn't a "social norm" anymore. People live together for years before getting married. Some people never marry. More and more people are choosing not to have children. I personally don't care if people ask me the questions, but for the same people to keep harping on and bringing up the same questions and then asking, "But...WHY?!?" does get annoying after a while. Ask once, I'll give you an answer, and let it GO. I get you love being a mother and I truly am happy for you that that's your thing. And yes, I'm already well aware that I'll "be missing out on the joys of motherhood."
Well, you'll be missing out on the joys of sipping a pina colada on the beach of Fiji while taking care of your children. My man and I will miss you!
#21, Dizzle, hilarious! I wish I'd thought of that during the 12 years I lived with my now-husband.
Just stare at them. STARE.
I love what Meredith has to say about the rules of small talk! I say if older relatives can ask when marriage or a child is happening we all get to ask when are they going to die.
One friend had a really great reply he said I could use. When I was dating and people asked, he said, just answer, "Well, we don't hate each other enough to get married yet."
I'd stop getting so worked up about it. People consider this sort of thing "small talk". I'm not saying some of the questions are appropriate but they are typical. People use them to make conversation. If you don't want to answer...don't...and change the subject.
I need more than this to get me through a Thursday.....
Questions never stop. I am retiring next month -- and people have been asking me if I can afford to retire? Nope, I'm just winging it! Duh!!!
I've been married for 5 years and have no interest in having children--thankfully, the hubby and I are on the same page. But family members and friends are very upset and cannot understand why we don't want to. They can't even fathom the idea of not having kids once you're married. I'm 31; whether I change my mind or not is totally up to us. For right now, my answer to them is "I'm an extremely selfish person; I have too many things I want to experience." Boy, that shuts them up. I just laugh inside, but I also know how annoying it can be--especially when certain family members tell everyone they know: "I give her until (month) to get pregnant. If she's not by then, there's no hope for me to be a grandparent." While I'm standing right there. Oh, I know how obnoxious people can be... I feel like all of those questions people ask--marriage, kids, etc.--people ASSUME they have a right to know. I feel your pain, LW, but really there's not much you can do but come up with a witty comment to shut them down. Good luck!
I don't understand why people are together if they don't want to get married. I don't understand people who are married who don't want kids. I don't understand why anyone should care though. Its really none of my business. I wanted to have kids when I was 16. I wanted to get married to every girl I went out with. I scared some of them away because of that. But I found the right woman who wanted to do these things with me and we are very happy. But you can do what you want to do. Its none of my business.
I'm assuming the people accusing the writer of being oversensitive are the same jerks who ask intrusive questions in the first place.
Ive always heard these questions in regard to choosing not to have kids. M is right, its all about validation and people wanting you to want what they want. Rather than pandering to the asker's feelings, I point blank say, "because I don't want any." Generally blunt, honest answers tend to make the nosy people go away and not ask again. -
You don't sound very happy to me at all. Perhaps it hits a nerve when the ask. I think you want marriage and kids.
Methinks LW and many of you full of yourself citizens of Dorkville (i.e. Commentors) would also get upset if someone asked you some other conversation starter question as well.
Ice breaker: "Hot enough for ya?"
Insecure person: "(blushing and flustered) No." (running away with the following thought bubbles bouncing around his/her head: "What a jerk! Doesn't he realize that I'm fair skinned and have a gladular disorder that makes me perspire a lot. How dare he call attention to it with such a personal remark!")My advice: Lighten the fark up.
Now give me back the 10 minutes of my life that you just wasted with your silly rant about how you don't have the stones to handle direct questions about topics that you flip-flop on or constantly regret or have doubts about.
Sara (#11) - if you're not being ironic, I think I love you!
Instead of trying to change other people's behavior, change your reaction to them. People are always going to ask what the majority of the world thinks is an innocent question, and the prickly minority will think to be intrusive. Learn to let it go.
The miscarriage stories are very sad...my condolences.
People ask overly-personal questions because their parents didn't teach them good manners when they were kids.
Parents, please take note.
ever since I had my daughter 16 months ago, i have fielded the "when are you due" how far along are you" is it a boy or a girl"....the list goes on and on! No, you jerks, I have had 2 babies, ate whatever I wanted during those times..never bothered to exercise after birth and I look fine but with the scars of childbearing...I of course, just smile and say no, i'm not even pregnant.....it makes them squirm and makes me feel better about the insulting question
Dear Hoss--
I just want to tell you that your comment today is amazing. Thank you for brightening my day. I'm loving the Joey Tribiani reference. Hope you have a great weekend.
Oh, and to the LW--
Obviously these types of questions are annoying, but as many people stated, it's just a part of life. Try not to let it get to you, and just tell them whatever makes you most comfortable in that moment.
Thanks everyone for the comebacks! I've been living w/ my bf for 5 years now, dating for 11. What people don't realize is, we were very young when we started dating, bought a house before getting married (oh no! we did things out of order!) and now have to save up to get eloped, like we want to.
I just hate the question because it reminds me of the fact that we're not in a financially stable state to get eloped like we want to, and because people follow up the question sometimes with "doesn't he WANT to marry you?" like he's some kind of jerk!
You CAN say "We're not getting married because our married friends seem bored." There's absolutely nothing stopping you from saying that. Just be prepared to handle the "honest" reply about 30-somethings who are still clubbing.
For the "why don't you have kids" question I think a great answer is "I/we hate sex. We just don't turn each other on very much. Never have. So we avoid it."
Maybe they are just hungry for chicken cordon bleu and cake.
"And by the way - to K and JC, if you live here in New England I wonder why since you don't seem to like us New Englanders. I never understand people who choose to live in a place then insult the locals."
My comment was not meant to insult and I apologize if it did. Your statement actually illustrates the point I was trying to make. I AM a local. I do live here. I have for well over a decade, and will until I die. That actually makes me a local. My comment doesn't mean that I don't like those who were born here. I simply point out that people who were born here have a different value set than that which is typically found elsewhere, that's all. It often includes, for instance, considering people who were not born here to be outsiders no matter how long they have been here. It's a neutral fact easily observable to anyone who has lived elsewhere that New Englanders are less friendly to strangers and have a more highly developed sense of privacy and conversational boundaries. That's fine, but everyone doesn't share it, which explains in part today's question. This is a city with a population including many transplants from elsewhere, and this is one example of the culture clashes that can develop.
So, Meredith's last point was spot-on. Whether we know it or not, we ALL ask these type of questions because we are programmed to be curious about other people. Also I agree with comment #13... ever been to the mid-west?? People from Minnesota have to be the nosiest people on the planet.
The best way to handle your situation is to come up with your standard, gracious response, use it and change the subject to other topics. If you are here looking for some validation to a rant, i.e. to support for your lifestyle choices, none from me, sorry.
I have a cousin who had cancer as a child. She is alive and healthy now, but her chemo treatments as a child cause infertility problems for her and her husband now. Most people outside of her close friends and immediate family don't know her chemo left her sterile, yet they always feel the need to ask her when is she going have a baby. I feel so sorry for her, but to her credit she always brushes it off and smiles.
My heart goes out to her, she is strong woman, works as a registered nurse, and I know she would make a terrific mother.
I agree wih JC (#33), DT (#45) and anyone else who has said - get over yourself, people are either asking because they have a genuine interest and want to get to know you better or are just making small talk. Personally, I usually don't ask those types of questions because I know some people do get offended, but don't really mind when people ask me. Yes, sometimes people may ask a question that hits a nerve (particularly with the kids question), but I don't think it makes them rude or nosy. If you're happy in your relationship and not in a rush to get married just say that.
Me thinks the lw doth protest too much. As someone else mentioned sounds like maybe things are not completely blistful and that is why the question feels so intrusive. Of course you may just be a private person, so if you really are happy just say so. Believe me people don't care as much as you think they do.
#70, if you are the letter writer, then why don't you simply answer that you are saving up for a nice wedding?
"It's none of your goddam business."
We got married just shy of the 4-year mark. We also got this question all the time. Our standard reply was, "I promise you'll be the first to know." If people persisted, I'd say, "When gay marriage is legalized in all 50 states." (We're hetero). With the swifter people that usually switched the conversation into a political one. The not-so-swift people just got confused.
We ended up eloping and surprising everyone. We invited everyone to our house for a "holiday" party and they arrived to find a "Just Married" sign on our door and to discover it was our wedding reception. That was fun! We heard over and over again, "I can't believe you two did it... we'd all given up on it ever happening."
Now I get the children question, which I think is hilarious at my age (44). To that I reply, "The next baby I will hold will be my grandchildren - and hopefully not for a long time." Having so many friends with infertility problems, I think this question is really nosy and I would never ask it of anyone!
Sometimes I'll get someone who's persistent, "but you're not too young!" "but you're such an awesome mother!" "but you and hubby would make such great babies together!".... and when I say, "I'm all done with that" they try to convince me it's not too late. This is more likely to happen with my 40-something girlfriends who have young children - I think they want me to join them on the playground. But when they were in their 30s traveling the world and building their careers, I was up to my eyeballs in diapers. Now it's my time to travel and work.
I am more patient with my friends, but agree it gets wearing at times, as they try to debate all my reasons. I do get the impression they are simply trying to think through for themselves whether they want to go for another one. Or maybe it's simply that parents of young kids are boring and have little else to talk about?
"And by the way - to K and JC, if you live here in New England I wonder why since you don't seem to like us New Englanders. I never understand people who choose to live in a place then insult the locals."
I've lived here well over 10 years. I want to move, but I have had a decent job. Also, with the real estate market the way it is, it would be quite a financial disaster to move on. The company I work for hires a lot of international people and transplants from other parts of the world, so I'm somewhat insulated. Also, moving to Central Mass from Eastern Mass is like moving to an entirely different place where people are certainly more like the rest of the country than the area inside 128.
Bottom line, though, when I can at least break even on my house and find another decent job, there's not much keeping me here. I already know the refrain:
"Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
But seriously, self-examination is a good thing. I don't get how being known nationally as a bunch of standoffish prudes can be considered a point of pride.
Some of the postings are hilarious. People are very rude, their parents didn't tell them to not ask personal questions. I'd answer them with a smile and a wink and tell them 'it's a biiiiiig secret' - that will shut them up. Or 'Im getting married the day after the Pope marries......people who ask you when you are going to have children are way beyond rude and deserve a strong answer: 'why would you ask that?' or 'It'a a personal thing between Harold and me.' or 'it's a biiiiig secret'. The posters here who think you are over-reacting are probably the people who would ask you those questions. I have to work until I'm 70 and you'd be shocked at the # of people who question me about they. Why, don't you have enough money, etc.
I find a good response to this question is: "We are getting married just as soon as you get divorced." Or, "Based on all of the problems you've told me marriage entails, I have no interest in joining that boat."
The problem with our society is that 99% of people are "followers" and need everyone to act the same way they do to feel validated. For some reason, happy single people and happy unmarried couples threaten their cookie cutter way of life. Do what you want and don't even answer their question. Or say, "We've discussed this so many times, you already know my answer." They won't ask you again.
Re: #76, "I have a cousin who had cancer as a child . . . her chemo treatments as a child cause infertility problems for her and her husband now. . . they always feel the need to ask her when is she going have a baby. I feel so sorry for her, but to her credit she always brushes it off and smiles."
It is your cousin's experience which makes her sad, not what people say to her. The question simply reminds her of something about her personal situation that makes her sad. If we are all expected to never ask any question that might cause some person, somewhere, to feel sad because of their own atypical life story, we're never going to talk at all. Someone could ask me, "where do your parents live?" and I may feel bad, because my father abandoned us when I was a child. Or they might ask how my girlfriend is, and I would be forced to think about the fact that she is terminally ill. Those are my actual circumstances. But would that be the questioners' fault for asking me? No. It's up to me to recognize that I feel bad because of something internal, and to not demonize someone who asks an innocent question. #70 said it very honestly. "I just hate the question because it reminds me of the fact that we're not in a financially stable state to get eloped like we want to." The problem is her own disappointment in her situation, and that is not something that the questioners did to her. People's intentions actually do matter.
$65.. omg. I spit out my diet coke all over my computer screen. That was effing hilarious. You tell um.
I'll also say "amen" to the people commenting on the over analysis bits. Or you could come out and tell the truth. Everyone has had something bad happen to them or their family -- strokes, heart attacks, death, cancer, miscarriages, stillbirths, etc. If you are human, you've either had it or not. Yes, some of it has been entirely personal. But here's the great part -- sometimes when you tell someone "oh, thanks for asking about my mother, but she recently had a heart attack", they might actually do something very sympathetic -- offer you some condolences or maybe they can even share your pain a bit if they have had a similar situation in the past.
No one gets out of this life alive, or unscathed, for that manner.
When faced with questions such as this my canned response is "February 30th, but don't tell anyone else until we do". Then I move on and change the subject real fast. The expression on the other persons is usually priceless and gets the message across.
Unless the same person is repeatedly asking the question they are just making small talk and could care less. It isn't a great thing but it happens, it is an easy default, just give them the expected easy default answer 'we are happy with things as they are.' Done
If the same people are constantly asking then I would just respond with 'And how is your sex life? I only ask because you repeatedly are asking me inappropriate questions so I thought I would return the favor.'
Maybe the questions are bothering you so much because you do want to move on and get married? Maybe you just have reached your threshold of stupidity?
I would tell them that you're both having too much great sex on the side.
I always just say, "it's not my bag, baby." to the marriage question. People usually just laugh and leave me alone.
Ah, the marriage question. My brother and his girlfriend used to get that and their answer was always, "we are already married, just not to each other". And it was true! I agree that this type of question is intrusive. I don't get questions like this ever, from my family or from my sweetheart's. They seem to like us as we are and are not pushing us to "go further". We've lived together (in sin! gasp!) for 12 years, own a home and he has children from a first marriage. Everyone is cool with us and we are cool with them. So I guess your best answer is just to say that you are happy as is and to move onto another subject. They ARE asking because they care about you, you know - they aren't trying to be hurtful (at least I hope not).
I usually respond with 'I believe that if a couple decides to have children, then one partner should be willing to raise the children - I don't believe in day care' That's usually insulting to the questioner in a very interesting way.
hands down best line of the day! -
What do you ask somebody who is retired and all set? "When are you going to just die already"?
hands down best line of the day...
I totally agree with K's posts. I'm a New Englander, born and raised, and it really wasn't until I began travelling to other parts of the country that I realized how standoffish, suspicious and cynical we Northeasterners are in our interactions. This letter and many of the responses are a perfect example. The LW must understand, deep down, that the people asking these questions mean absolutely no harm and that she's working herself into a fine lather for no good reason. Is it really so hard to assume the best of everyone around you and act accordingly? Why look for reasons to be frustrated and offended where clearly, none exist?
You say "people"...but wouldn't it depend on who's asking? We're obviously not talking about someone sidling up to you in CVS or a hairdresser that you don't know, because you give the impression that these people asking already know you've been together for 5 yrs and have a house. So, how do they know that? Is it because you've shared that information (ie started a relationship of personal sharing), but now want to set a rule on what can/can't be asked after that?
Are we talking boss at work, a neighbor, someone at the gym, family members?
Frankly, unless someone is asking in a judgmental way, I think these are normal questions. We are not islands...it's normal to communicate. If everyone thought conversations about family life (and also work, what we like to do, etc) were off limits, then we'd never progress beyond acquaintances to friendships or having deeper understandings with colleagues/neighbors beyond "hello" and "goodbye". Even if a topic is sensitive or leads to a discussion of different views, I think honest responses (and honest emotions about how you feel about the question if it truly bothers you) can lead to greater insight for both people.
If you're so happy with the life you have, just respond..."we're living in the present and we're happy" and like others have said, change the subject or ask them about an aspect of their lives. This is called normal conversation. Not everyone has the same view on things...and obviously the question isn't "sensitive" to them. Like Meredith said, for all you know, you may have inadvertenly asked someone something that they find sensitive or intruding.
Be open to connecting with others. Be you....and allow others to be them (even if you don't like their questions).
For all the different choices we have (and choose), we're all more alike than not alike. Instead of seeing these "personal" questions as intrusions, why not see it as an opportunity to connect with another human to learn something more about yourself and the other.
One thing I tell my 8 yr old all the time when he gets frustrated by what someone says or does, is that we can't control other people....we can only control our reactions. So, you can either get worked up about things you can't control or turn it around and find the positive (possible good conversation...or if it doesn't progress to that, you've gained insight into someone you know isn't a person you want to associate with...all for free :-).
this type of questioning reminds me of a funny story. a neighbor dropped by when i was feeding lunch to my less than one year old baby. she said "time for number two now" and my immediate reaction was "yeah, she usually goes after eating lunch" until I realized what she was talking about (baby number 2). hah!
LW, you are LAME. Here's why: you are supposedly in a happy love/romantic relationship and you are just LOOKING for things to whine about. Shut the eff up, use that pea brain of yours or the brain of your beloved to think up some awesome comebacks and leave us alone...
'Tis a full moon week...
I looked at the calendar to make sure it wasn't April 1st. On the bright side, I guess the supply of unhappy love letters is low...
Some seem to think these personal questions are merely small talk, and thus the person on the receiving end has to suck it up and deal.
What these "suck it up" folks need to realize is that if you deliver a question perceived as hurtful, intrusive, or upsetting you have to deal with the consequences.
When asked these types of questions I simply respond, "That's personal". And I keep repeating until the numbskulls get a clue.
I've found New Englanders to be sespecially thick when it comes to asking questions that are personal and none of their business.
it sounds like you are ranting because you are mad that you haven't been proposed to. that's why the questions bother you so much. right?
When people ask me when I am going to have kids, I usually just tell them "I can't, I'm allergic to children."
Either that, or "Talk to me about kids when the people of Tibet are finally FREE!"
They usually get the point.
Lighten up, it is just conversation.
My in-laws used to constantly ask when we were going to have kids. I had to bite my tongue from responding with the truth, which was, "since we married I've become increasingly aware that your kid is a world-class a-hole and there's no way I'm going to be responsible for spreading those genes any farther".
This has gotten a bit off subject but in response to some responses to my comment -
JC, of course there are regional/cultural differences between people, but there are also significant differences in the different parts of New England where I have lived, as well as between individuals which is why I try to avoid generalizations. I didn't mean to call you an outsider but to point out that you sounded like you were casting yourself as one with your phrase "the icy, born-and-bred New Englander" and that talking like that could offend some who are proud to be from here (not that we are anywhere close to perfect, but who is). I appreciate the apology.
K, if you find people here so unfriendly maybe it is because we are sensing that you see as a "a bunch of standoffish prudes." Good luck with the move.
How about just saying, "Oh someday" to any of the questions. It might be the truth, and it might not be. If they push it, just say you aren't there yet. God, people are sensitive.
My (now) husband and I were together for 9 years before we got married. I can understand the LW's frustration. Several posters have made the statement that obviously her marrital status is an issue, or the questions wouldn't bother her. I think that her feelings regarding her marital status are irrelevent. Asking overly personal questions is rude.
But I agree with a couple of the posts....this isn't really a 'Love' question. -
Get over it. They can ask you whatever they want...its up to you how to answer it.
"When we figure out where they come from" is a good answer to the baby question.
Where is Rico? He makes my day.
Someone sounds defensive...
There are millions of people (thousands in Love Letter Land) who would love to be in a position to have these questions asked of them. Generally, it means someone feels close enough to you to be able to ask…or they want to become more familiar. The act intimates that there exists a bond where personal issues can be discussed. I've always told younger people that I'll get married for the second time after they get married for the first. It's lighthearted and brings you to an informal place. If everybody only tiptoes on the rice paper (grasshopper), our footprint for intimacy would go unnoticed.
My aunt has four daughters and my mom got three daughters, they both married to men with the same last name but not related. seven of us are like sister in some way, but we don't always get along. I was the youngest one to got marry, so I was always the bride. I feel lucky that I never had that kind of questions.
Standard answer - When I want to stop smiling.
My husband and I were together almost 9 years before we married, and we had a son together during that time. We were asked often, by well-meaning family members and friends and etc, when/if we would marry but it never bothered me. Once in a while someone would say something rude or judgemental, but I just laughed it off, because really - who gives a sh!t what rude people say?? If they're rude, it's nothing to do with us. I say let it go, life is too good to worry about others. If it really bothers you, then I think you need to look into why that is.
LW, first of all...you can elope, and you can get married, but you can't "get eloped."
Second of all.....wow. The fact that you have no major opposition to marriage other than the fact that you can't afford it, and yet you think people should walk on eggshells around you, is ridiculous. Get over yourself. The world shouldn't have to cater to you.
There's nothing wrong with being asked about your plans to have children. If you take offense to the question, then I agree with #114—you need to ask yourself why the question bothers you so much.
I posted earlier, but still can't get over the number of people who are offended and think that is too personal of a question. What if she was engaged and walking around with an engagement ring, would it be too personal then to ask when the wedding is? Or does the fact that she's wearing a ring suddenly make it ok and no longer personal? Is it ok to ask someone who is visibly pregnant when their due date is, or is that too personal also? Not being dense here, but don't get where the line is drawn. Is it ok to ask questions like that when their is a visible sign? Or only when the person brings it up themselves?
As another person noted, these aren't random strangers asking the question, it's obviously people who already know she is in a serious relationship. So sounds like these are people that she has personal relationships with, so of course they will ask "personal" questions rather than generic ones like "what do you think of the weather today". Please lighten up, life is too short!
I think many of these ultrasensitive posters doth protest too much. Being so defensive is a dead giveaway that you're really not so happy with your particular life choices. If that's not the case, then lighten up and let your freak flag fly!
Natural curiosity. Not necessarily meant to be 'intrusive'; it could be the desire of the questioner to share in the 'happy' moment you make such that decision of commitment permanence. Sometimes its the closeness people share or wish to share with others when we form those tight-knit bonds that make people ask.
I feel like an open book so questions like that never bothered me. Having had 3 miscarriages myself I've had people say me 'when are you going to have another one - you shouldn't wait too long?', I simply tell them I've had numerous miscarriages and stopped trying after a certain age. I understand the curiosity and don't think its that big of a deal.
It is up to us to decide whether something is a big deal or not. Some people thrive on things like 'If I am asked one more time....yadayadayada' and use it to put other people down in an 'how dare they' moment.
There are so many other things to become disturbed about in life that this is just ridiculous and says more about that someone who chooses to be overly irritated for every little thing in life, including people who know a couple and can't help but reason that gee, they'd be so great together and wonder. Instead, push them away as though they are incredulous and nosy which is not a nice way to treat people who feel comfortable and perhaps close enough to ask. Eventually, people may stop asking and think you are a total jerk.
This was a boring question - poor choice Meredith :)
Not really love letter, not really interesting - although it's a common malady for sure
I completely sympathize. My husband and I are separated and we have a 4 year old. People I know at work who don't know I am separated keep asking "when you going to have another one? or my favorite "its time for another one." I know they don't know my current situation but they keep persisting with the same comments and questions and I am ready to scream. Its none of their business.


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Thread: Need some ideas
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Need some ideas
Hello. I'm in the process of developing my new site because my old one was hideous and I needed some ideas for a background gradient or textures for what I can do for it.
My site is located here:
As you can see all I did so far is tell the css to put the body as a black background however the thought of my company is that the colors are red black and white. The basic idea of the company is like outlaws sherrifs old western but not so much cowoboys type deal, saloons, etc.


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Phantogram played to a rocking sold-out show at Grand Central on Saturday, June 28. The captivated crowd reciprocated the energy brought by Phantogram and there stage light visuals. The show was opened up by Bad Things with Shaun White on lead guitar. Photos by Alex Markow.
See also: Review of Phantogram at Grand Central
Published on June 30, 2014


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TITLE: Strawberry Lane (The Elfin Knight)
AUTHOR: unknown
CATEGORY: Traditional, Public Domain
KEYWORDS: courting, magic, bargaining, dialog, paradox, tasks
EARLIEST PRINTED OR RECORDED REFERENCE: 1673 (broadside)
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme is, of course, well known because of Simon and Garfunkel's hit from 1966. Simon's source is a song of many variations, The Elfin Knight, dating back to the 17th century.
Strawberry Lane is another variation. Alan Lomax, in Folk Songs of North America, categorizes Strawberry Lane as a song from American colonial times. It is a dialogue between a man and woman. In the man's arrogance he gives nearly impossible tasks to the woman to complete, to become his true love. Continue reading


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Written on: 09/04/2013
I will have surgery on my ankle later this month and will be in plaster for a few weeks. The Shower Seal will enable me to have a shower, as it will keep my leg absolutely dry. (In the past I had to wash at the sink for weeks). It is very easy to use; the instructions on the enclosed leaflet are very clear and easy to follow.
There is nothing not to like about this product. I wish I had one many years ago.
Also, the website was very easy and clear. I found it was very easy to order, and the delivery was very quick: 2 days, not counting the weekend.
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Obama's national security 'team of rivals'
His choice of Gates, Clinton, and Jones reflects his goal of building a bipartisan cabinet.
Jeff Haynes/Reuters
The new national security team President-elect Obama is assembling reflects both caution and political pluck as the commander-in-chief-to-be leans on a Bush holdover as Defense secretary to ease the US out of Iraq and a Washington-savvy retired general to oversee national security matters.
Both choices, Robert Gates to stay on as Defense secretary and James Jones as national security adviser, reflect Mr. Obama's stated desire to build a bipartisan cabinet that is also effective.
In Secretary Gates, Obama chooses a Defense secretary popular with both parties who will temper his ambitious campaign pledge to get out of Iraq in 16 months. The choice of Mr. Jones, a retired Marine general with deep Washington roots, will help Obama to establish his own national security identity in a town wary of his military inexperience.
The two were formally introduced by Obama Monday along with Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton as his new secretary of State and Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano as Homeland Security chief, among other new members of his cabinet.
In making his choices, Obama said he sought foreign policy pragmatists who may not agree with one another but who "share a core vision."
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King James Version (KJV) | New International Version (NIV) |
13 For his sons carried him into the land of Canaan, and buried him in the cave of the field of Machpelah, which Abraham bought with the field for a possession of a buryingplace of Ephron the Hittite, before Mamre. | 13 They carried him to the land of Canaan and buried him in the cave in the field of Machpelah, near Mamre, which Abraham had bought as a burial place from Ephron the Hittite, along with the field. |
The King James Version is in the public domain. (The King James Bible Version Online) | Scripture quoted by permission. Quotations designated (NIV) are from THE HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica. All rights reserved worldwide. (New International Version Bible Online) |


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By Sharon Gaudin
Feb 13, 2007
Cisco Systems announced on Tuesday that there are several
vulnerabilities in the Intrusion Prevention System (IPS) feature set of
its Internetwork Operating System (IOS).
Fragmented IP packets may be used to evade signature inspection,
according to a warning on Cisco's Web site [1]. It also warned that the
IPS signatures utilizing the regular expression feature of the
ATOMIC.TCP signature engine may cause a router to crash and resulting in
a denial of service.
Cisco's IOS is software used in a lot of its routers and current network
Four versions of Cisco IOS are vulnerable to the fragmented packet
evasion vulnerability. They include Version 12.4, 12.4T, 12.4XE, and at
least one release of 12.3T. Many of the IOS version releases are
vulnerable to the ATOMIC.TCP regular expression denial of service flaw.
An alert on the SANS Institute's Internet Storm Center recommends an
upgrade of the IOS version.
[1] http://www.cisco.com/warp/public/707/cisco-sa-20070213-iosips.shtml
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The U.S. portion of the international online community fell from 20% in 2005 to 14% in 2009, and is forecasted to fall to 11% by 2014. "Using International Shipping to Reach Online Shoppers", Forrester Research Inc., August 2011
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William Lau , Terry Klassen
Elise Allen , Diana Kaarina
Diana Kaarina , Adrian Petriw , Brittney Irvin
Movie Review and Information
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Cancer Society starts new study
The American Cancer Society Monday announced the launch of a new cancer prevention study called CPS-3.
The society is recruiting people aged 30-65 who have never had cancer to participate in the survey. The purpose is to determine how genetics, lifestyle and environmental exposures work together to cause or prevent cancer. Participants will be asked to submit a small blood sample, be measured and agree to complete periodic surveys during the next 20 years.
Similar previous studies have provided information on the connection of smoking, diet and medication on cancer.
Study enrollment will be 10 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. Nov. 24 at First United Methodist Church, 10th & Travis streets in Wichita Falls.
The society says because the current study population is aging, they must recruit a new study population for the next generation of research.
People interested in participating may schedule appointments at 888-604-5888 or at cancerstudyTX.org.
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