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Can you make a man in the grip of a MidLife Crisis see sense?
(97 Posts)Namechanger but regular FWIW.
My DB is in the grip of what would appear to be a classic MLC. Has left his wife of many years, and is now shacked up with OW. He claims his marriage had ended in his mind before he had his affair. Well he would say that wouldn't he, but I know that SIL did her utmost to be what he wanted her to be and to try to save the marriage but I suppose he had no reason to really engage with that process as the OW became apparent very soon...He has children, mid and late teens, all in turmoil.
He and OW share what sounds like an addiction to their chosen hobby, something which takes up a lot of time in the evenings away from respective families. They live in lalaland. She has left her DH and children now but didn't until SIL told DB to leave. I think she (OW) sees DB as her escape and rescuer.
Is there anything we can do or say to make him see that destroying his family over a fantasy is not a great idea? Can anyone get him to open his eyes? Or do we just have to wait until he realises that the grass on the other side is still just grass, by which time the damage will be irreversible? SIL says she stil loves him and is devastated by his affair.
He thinks this is all unknowable to anyone else as we weren't there in his marriage, but from reading midlife crisis boards and stuff on here, he is just following the same old script but can't see it/doesn't realise it's all tediously common. If I tell him this he won't get it will he?
When do they wake up?
Ime no you just have to wait for it to al come crashing down around them then pick up the pieces < bitter>.
Maybe he's fallen out of love, and in love with the OW? It does happen. I don't think you can "force" someone to love someone else, I suppose sometimes you can force them to stay with someone else, but do you think thats healthy? These things do happen, people do change, and some people can't live with that.
Am curious as to what the chosen hobby can be. Maybe he and your SIL don't actually have that much in common?
The hobby is one that SIL would have loved to do as well but owing to shift work has never been able to indulge over the years.
Have you read this one? Im going to send it to STBXH once the divorce is final....
Nothing you can do about this one, sorry. You must be up to ninety with all this crap, but there's nothing anybody can say to him that will change his mind, I wouldn't have thought.
Stay out of it if you can.
Yes I have read it loads of times on here! And he ticks so many the boxes in it. Which is why it's so bloody depressing - he thinks its all new-minted and that we can have no understanding of him.
Have toyed with sending it to him but a) I don't think he'd bother to work out all the abbreviations in it and b) wouldnt think it applied to him.
I did send it to SIL though and she recognised it all mightily...
My bet is he will have to learn the hard way unfortunately....
Nothing you can do will get him to peel the scales off his eyes and he will probably behave in the manner similar to that of a love struck teenager
I suppose I am just hoping that I could head him off at the pass with some well placed explanation of how scripted he is being. But also realise that this is likely a misplaced hope.
Short of living his life for him, there's nothing you can do to save him from himself and, given that he's away with the fairies living in lalaland and getting his legover with an ow who boosts shares his ego hobby, he's not going to be saving himself any time soon.
Concentrate your energy on your sil and dns; hopefully, they will recover from the shock of being abandoned in his quest for fool's gold without incurring any lasting harm and will go from strength to strength.
One practical thing you can do for your sil is to encourage her to post here where she can vent, sob, offload, despair, and be given support and advice that will enable her, in time, to see him leaving as a blessing rather than a curse.
I don't think it will work tbh. my sister is currently the OW of a married man, and when she tells me what he says, any comments I make about it all sounding a bit cliched evokes a very defensive response and her withdrawing. they dont want you to burst their fantasy soul-mate bubble
The only way is for him to experience LOSS.
Loss of his home comforts, his family life, the respect from his friends and family.
This means your SIL getting tough and kicking him out.
And then he may realise what he has lost, motivating him to fight for his marriage.
So if there is no hope of seeing sense any time soon how do we go on in the meantime? He is lazy about communicating with his family even at the best of times and certainly won't want to open himself up to conflict.
I can see that eventually SIL may very well he fine without him but what do his mother and siblings do? We want nothing to do with the OW. They all live a long way away and so do we just never see him again? DM is worried to death that he is sleepwalking away from his life and children and indeed us all, but has no idea how to proceed.
Sorry Mad missed you while posting. SIL has kicked him out and he has shacked up with ow. His children are very angry with him but he is just "hurt" by this he says as he thinks they should understand he deserves happiness and we should all be accepting of OW. It's so cruel.
He's a grown-up and he's decided to move on. It's sad but it happens and it doesn't have to be attributed to a mid-life crisis. Neither is it 'all going to come crashing down' necessarily. You're entitled to feel angry with his decision but this is a private matter, nothing to do with you.
It is to do with me. I am part of his rejected family. As is his poor mother.
Is there anything we can do or say to make him see that destroying his family over a fantasy is not a great idea?
But you don't know that's the case. He may be acting like a selfish twat, and may have gone about it all in the wrong way, but that doesn't mean that nothing he thinks or feels is valid. You can't force someone to fix a marriage if it's really over for them, and it's perfectly possible it was over for him before OW.
He is still your DB and you and your mum might find it easier to preserve your relationship, and get him to behave better, if you don't judge and make your minds up he doesn't have anything valid to say.
Sorry but all you can do is nothing except to support SIL and the family. Hopefully he will come to his senses one day.
Asrastea - if his marriage was really over before the affair then he should have ended the marriage before moving on. What he did was very selfish.
He hasn't rejected you or his mother, he has rejected his wife. You have no idea how their relationship really was up to this point or what his motives for moving on may be. You're assuming it's some silly infatuation and it could be anything but. Reject him by all means if it makes you feel morally superior but don't kid yourself that he has rejected you...
Asrastea - if his marriage was really over before the affair then he should have ended the marriage before moving on. What he did was very selfish.
Of course. That is what people should do. Everyone knows that.
I acknowledged he could be/is acting like a selfish twat. But someone behaving badly/being selfish etc does not mean that there were no valid reasons for them to leave or that the marriage should've been saved or had a chance. You can't judge the latter from the former.
How many times do we read on this board some poor woman, trapped in a miserable marriage and desperate to get out who tells us that they are only staying because their family & friends would never understand or would never forgive them if they left? Routinely the advice is that they are not married to their family or friends and shouldn't let others pressurise them into putting up with something that isn't working. How would your SIL feel, for example, if you succeeded in returning your DB to her and he was only there under suffrance, doing you and your mother a favour? She's better off without him...
There is a right way to do things, yes. But as has been said, going about things the wrong way doesn't mean what you're doing is wrong necessarily.
The knock on effect when someone leaves a long standing well established relationship is a wide spread thing. Apart from the spouse and any children it will of course adversely effect parents, grand parents, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, friends and anyone else close to the person/s involved. In many cases it will be unexpected and people will feel angry and hurt.
That in itself isn't a reason to for a person to stay in a marriage though. A marriage is a very personal thing.
As an aside - what age is 'mid-life' anyway? I left my DH in my 30s. If i'd left it another 7 or 8 years would i have simply been having a 'mid life crisis'? Or is it 50s?
The difference here is that SIL still loves him and wants him back.
Please stop trying to imply I am enjoying being outraged.
The difference here is that SIL still loves him and wants him back.
That is often what the situation is when a relationship ends though. We've probably all been broken up with when we didn't want to be. Only one person needs to end the relationship for it to be over - it's an often traumatic part of life unfortunately. Not sure why this makes it 'different'. Different to what?
That SIL still loves him and wants him back does not mean:
a) that he was wrong to end the relationship (even if he did it in the wrong way)
b) that continuing the relationship would be the best thing for her
So what if SIL loves him and wants him back? Read a few threads on MN where women have been in similar situations and many of them react to the initial shock by being prepared to forgive anything to get the family back together. She's clutching at straws by talking to you, thinking you have some influence over his behaviour. In a few weeks' time, when she's had chance to think about this more clearly, she may decide that he's a total arse and she wants nothing more to do with him. This is not the time to take sides.
No one thinks you're enjoying it sister
Of course you're upset and angry. Support your SIL. But remain open to your DB. People were angry with me when i left my DH. They thought i was being selfish, stupid, hot headed etc. My ex wanted me back. But I had to go.
I deeply regretted and regret still the hurt i caused, but none of it would have stopped me and wild horses wouldn't have dragged me back. None of these people were in my marriage with me. They didn't know how i felt. I don't regret leaving for one moment.
I think she's enjoying it.
Ok so let's cut to the chase and assume he is a total arse and SIL may be better off without him. Which I accept she may well be in the end.
How do I go on with him? What do his children, mother, in laws, siblings do? Are we all supposed to just accept OW? And just be accepting of the fact they have both jettisoned children (hers are v young) so they can concentrate on each other and their all-consuming hobby?
I have no idea what to say to him and he would rather fade out of his family than talk. He is already doing it.
He's already fading because he knows how you feel.
This is all very recent i take it. Everyone needs time, first off.
You say you're disappointed in his behaviour, may never get used to the OW, and then you make damn sure he treats his ex wife and children decently in terms of money, time and so on. Of course he's going to drop from sight if all he thinks he'll get is angry finger-pointing.
Try to step back and stop 'handling' the situation. Be supportive of your SIL, but don't make any promises to take sides or 'sort him out'.
Talk to him. Tell him you think he's being a twat but he's your brother and you still love him. Tell him you'll need a bit of time to settle down - but you want to stay being his sister and his friend.
Let everyone else deal with it as they see fit. Don't be 'in the middle', or one side or the other.
I'm sure you wont be expected to meet or speak to the OW for a good long while.
Be careful of getting involved. I was in a similar situation with a close family member- I sided with his wife. A month later- he 'came to his senses', reconciled with his wife and then they BOTH sided against me! I think she felt embarassed that I knew the ins and outs of their break up and didn't want any more remainders of it.
And I thought my inlaws were bad
The pearl of knowledge and wisdom is not obtained often without great sacrifice and loss and giving up our treasured illusions and certainties. Perhaps this is part of what your DB will go through and part of what he is going through now? It is such difficult terrain that it is hard to know what support to give, especially if it seems to be "reckless" emotionally in relation to others, esp children. Whether your DB will learn from it is really down to him ultimately. If the emotional fall out comes later, I am not sure if/how you feel you can support your brother through that, but it sounds like he is somewhere else right now anyway. I wish I could be more helpful....
No, you can't make him "see sense" because maybe, just maybe , it will all work out happily ever after for him.
a very lovely man I know did exactly this about 5 years ago.
Completely devastated his family .
Today he is blissfully happily married to the OW ( yes , it does happen ) and his wife is very happily remarried too.
What is the hobby? Is it something sporty? Endless hours spent at the gym? Or is it geeky, are they secret World of Warcraft obsessives?
There is absolutely nothing you can do, not do, say or not say to stop this.
You see, this is not a crisis of the marriage, it is a crisis of SELF. He is now focussed on what is going to 'make him happy', and his wife is now a part of the scenery. Like the television aerial on the roof, or the dustball under the bed.
So sadly, what will make him happy is to focus on the emptiness within him that he is currently USING OW to fill (and get into counselling to look at their past where the emptiness came from), but men typically focus outside and put the blame on the nearest person - their spouse and family. It is desperately sad.
There are some good midlife forums out there.
Yes thanks all. I have to accept there is nothing I can say. But the very fact that there are entire forums dedicated to this sort of thing shows how common it is. To those who say maybe this is true love well perhaps. Amazed that so many people think the affair must be the Real Thing. Great for them if it is. Not so great for those who didn't see it coming and whose family life is now in pieces. Am thinking particularly of DNs.
Has no-one in your family ever got divorced before?
you canntot "make" anyone do anything.
practical things: make sure he supports financially his ex and children.
suggest that he arranges set times to see the children, on his own, without OW for the time being. that he makes it clear to children he still loves them and has time for them.
(if he cant do that then support the children and SIL, make them welcome at your house etc. you can meet with Brother separately. )
what do you actually want? for him to go back to SIL and say "it is all a mistake"? nothing can be the same again after this.... poeople split up, it is life. help your SIL and nephews to deal with it and move on with their lives .
he fact you say "SIL did her utmost to be what he wanted her to be" is interesting - surely she should be herself? not what he wants? what did he want her to be? presumably someone who enjoyed the hobby and wa spreapred to put thmselves and hobby above all else?
But the very fact that there are entire forums dedicated to this sort of thing shows how common it is.
All it shows is that there are entire forums dedicated to ascribing an objective phenomena (people leaving marriages) to another phenomena (midlife crisis). Of course there are entire forums dedicated to it because it makes people feel better to blame mid life crisis and to think that the person has 'taken leave of their senses'. Marriages end. Lots of marriages end when people are in their 40s and 50s - that's just statistically likely that that's when it will happy. A break-up of a marriage is sad, especially when it comes as a shock and other people are involved.
I am in my 30s so when my H and I separated (no other people involved) so we didn't get people blaming MLC, but we had my parents and a friend throwing around that we 'just didn't understand that marriage wasn't all a bed of roses and required work and was sometimes hard etc etc' when they didn't know the first thing about our marriage or why we were splitting up. They all wanted us to 'come to our senses' too. If were 10 years older, no doubt people would be saying MLC ... By the way, I cut off all contact with my parents for 4 months because of their attitude. If you love and care about someone, you support them and are concerned for them, even if you point out specific behaviours you think are wrong.
I am in my 30s so when my H and I separated (no other people involved) so we didn't get people blaming MLC, but we had my parents and a friend throwing around that we 'just didn't understand that marriage wasn't all a bed of roses and required work and was sometimes hard etc etc' when they didn't know the first thing about our marriage or why we were splitting up. They all wanted us to 'come to our senses' too. If were 10 years older, no doubt people would be saying MLC ...
Yes! Yes exactly adrastea.
It stands to reason also that 'mid life' is going to be the time when allot of people maybe start to realise their own mortality and that perhaps the life they have carved out for them self in their teens or 20s is no longer the one they want. Or take stock of their life/love and find that with the children in their teens they have reached a natural end of a chapter in their lives. Perhaps it's a case of taking that long to screw up the courage to admit to themselves they married too young and are incompatable with their spouse having given it a good shot.
Staying with one person your whole entire life from teens to your 80s is a big big ask.
Separating is never a happy thing. But it's not an evil thing. It's better to leave you DH or DP than string them along and be unfaithful to them.
I don't think you're enjoying being outraged SisterAct. I get the sense from you that if your brother had been desperately unhappy and had made efforts over the years to resolve that unhappiness with his wife, but then still ended the marriage, you would be sad but would still offer support and friendship to both parties and their children.
Whereas from your posts it sounds as though this unhappiness has come as a surprise to everyone including his wife. Now that isn't necessarily surprising in people who don't like sharing their thoughts and feelings with others, but when combined with an affair it leads to a suspicion that this 'unhappiness' is revisionist and not actual. If his wife knew nothing about the unhappiness of her partner and therefore had no opportunity to work with him in resolution, then she is entitled to feel aggrieved - and the deception and lies of an affair will clearly add to that sense of grievance.
I think in terms of her and your DNs, it would be good to offer your SIL support and if she's having difficulty with her memories being distorted and trashed by your brother's post-affair accounts of misery, reassure her that this is a common piece of self-delusion when someone is having a second relationship. Encourage her to look at her marriage realistically, but remind her that your brother owed her the right to resolve any problems - and had the responsibility not to lie and deceive.
For your DNs, one of the problems with infidelity and children is when the adults in their lives fail to communicate that their mum or dad didn't reject them personally. Children often reach the opposite conclusion and believe that the departing parent has chosen another person over them. As an aunt, you can really help with this. Hopefully someone will be doing the same with the OW's children, who might be thinking that their mum has rejected them and not their father.
For your brother, it might be that all you can say is that you disagree with the way he has exited his marriage and all you can do is to urge him to fulfil his parental responsibilities. You're entitled not to meet the OW while feelings are running this high. Indeed it would probably be better if you did not.
No-one can project whether your DB's relationship will last. As sacrifices have been made on both sides, affair couples who are unhappy sometimes stay together longer than they should, to prove others wrong and to prove that those sacrifices were meaningful and worthwhile. No-one can see on the outside whether they are happy or unhappy, which is true of any relationship. Statistically, fewer second co-habiting relationships survive and even fewer when the beginning of it was an affair.
However, your SIL needs to get to a place where their relationship doesn't matter - and where her own future and present relationships do. Her best strategy throughout should be to tell him that she won't take him back if this other relationship falters - and to work towards that being the absolute truth.
Thank you charbon. You put it all well and better than me.
Adrastea, I had exactly that experience too, family and friends being incredibly unsupportive when I left my husband.
And for the much touted "rewriting of history " theory , I can assure you I was SILENTLY miserable for years before getting the courage to leave. I am sure this is true for many.
My husband claimed to have thought we were happy too, despite the fact I had told him otherwise and tried to work things out for years.
I guess it was more comforting for shocked friends and family to decide I had "rewritten history"
Cogito, why are you on this mission to tell Sister she isn't feeling what she is feeling, it isn't what she says it is and none of this is a big deal?
Have some buttons been pushed, or something?
I can't really see why anyone outside a couple would need to think you'd re-written history Feckbox, unless you left for someone else that is. Like I said in my earlier post, lots of people don't communicate their unhappiness to friends and family, but if they are being fair they will do so to their partners, which is what you said you did.
I've known several marriages break up with no-one else apparently involved and I've always taken the view that no-one apart from the people involved know what goes on in a marriage. Having said that, I've also known several marriages break up when there was someone else involved and unlike the ones I've mentioned that dissolved because of irreconcilable differences, I've been more surprised at the unfaithful parties' confessions of longstanding unhappiness, because only months earlier they'd been eulogising about how happy their marriages were. Presumably you didn't do that yourself or leave for an affair, so I can't see why people would be so judgemental.
Some people do re-write history when they are having an affair. It seems curious to infer that they do not.
I've been more surprised at the unfaithful parties' confessions of longstanding unhappiness, because only months earlier they'd been eulogising about how happy their marriages were.
Did you read the recent thread about 'Facebook I love yous'? Someone on there was saying the only time her and partner were making a big show of how great everything was and how much they loved each other was when they were having serious difficulties and on the verge of splitting. And of course we know that when celebrities eulogise about how happy their relationship is, it's only a matter of months before the announcement comes that they've split. So I'd take people eulogising about how great their relationship is with a huge bucket of salt.
My FIL was patently miserable for a very very long time, but probably didn't communicate it well and effectively at all. He stayed for so long for the children and because that's just what you did. I think people who are 'sticking it out' to show commitment and because they made their bed etc get so used to being stoic and suppressing communication, so it's not surprising sometimes they're useless at being constructive when it all gets too much. His and MIL's marriage, to the outside, appeared cold and really dysfunctional, and MIL had spent years depressed and on anti-depressants. She is the kind of person who just puts a smile on everything and if she can make out everything's fine, then it is. I think she was really unhappy, but in deep denial about it all so when he left (and there was an OW) it was a massive shock to her (and she'd blamed it all on a mental breakdown on his part), but it also shouldn't have been as it wasn't to anyone else IYSWIM. I don't think it's always as straightforward or simple as rewriting history.
adreasta I'd agree with you, if these were fairly superficial friendships I was describing - and if some of the people themselves hadn't admitted later down the line that they'd been inventing marital unhappiness in order to justify their affairs. Your in-laws' marriage is also an example of when others outside the marriage weren't shocked, if as you say it was patently obvious to outsiders that the relationship was unhappy. Consequently I'm not saying at all that everyone re-writes history, but that some do, especially (but not always) when an affair is involved.
Carbon I think it's curious to INSIST people ARE rewriting history
Well yes Feckbox, so do I
At least in the literal sense, because we can never know what is in another person's head if they don't communicate it to us. When that happens, all we have to go on is their observable behaviour and the messages they do convey. However I can understand how one party in a marriage who has been told by a spouse that all is well and there is observable behaviour to support those words, being shocked on the discovery of an affair, being left and told that unhappiness was longstanding. I wouldn't be too curious if they had suspicions of their history having been re-written, especially as many people having affairs admit to that very behaviour.
This however is somewhat besides the point in terms of marriages that break up because of affairs. I don't think anyone believes that all marriages are unbridled joy all of the time for all partners, but the mature and kinder response is either to work through it or call time on the marriage. Unfortunately, some people wait for an alternative partner to turn up before voting with their feet (and there is an overlap involving lying and deception) - and others ditch a marriage that was basically sound because they convince themselves that the new person is their One True Love.
There is nearly always sadness at the end of a marriage, but the additional factors of deception, lies and infidelity often make that far more painful for everyone involved, including extended families caught up in the trauma. Like I said, I don't think the OP would feel as conflicted if her brother's marriage had ended without the involvement of someone else. It seems most peculiar to pretend that infidelity doesn't make a difference to how people might feel about the end of a marriage.
Its because the cheater is so insecure and worried about being alone, they're like a monkey.. won't let go of one branch wife and kids until they have hold of another OW
Feckbox I am not too sure of your point? You seem to be mixing up two separate (but connected) things.
Whatever the circumstances, intimate betrayal is a serious violation of marriage. Nobody thinks it is OK.
So when a person finds themselves attracted to another and making the decisions to act on that attraction, they never say to themselves 'actually I am a selfish deceitful person who is running away from my issues and doing something to make myself feel better, with someone whom I don't actually know. This is really really going to hurt my spouse children and family BUT I DONT CARE ABOUT THEM'.
That is too honest. So they 'split' so they they can be the 'good guy', the person who was 'forced' by the hideous awful qualities of the spouse who was so bad they simply HAD to take this course of action [which feels sooooo good].
Also, [this new history] is necessarily further distorted as a comparison because the moany old familiar disenchanted spouse who knows all the problems, can NEVER compare against the shiny new admiring Alienator.
That is the rewriting of history. Not that the marriage relationship was flawed, because that is irrelevant. No marriage is perfect, and sticking your dick in someone else is a SEPARATE UNILATERAL act, taken in privacy and secrecy, with a lot of self-justification and absolving oneself from responsibility for the problems in the M, thrown in.
Either way, whatever the justification for leaving, whatever the rationale real or imagined, what is really not going to happen is that your sister says to you 'you're being a fool, go back to your wife'.... and you leap to obey.
When my marriage broke up it was extremely distressing but I would have been seriously embarrassed if any of his family had taken it on themselves to try and get him to come back. If he returned, tail between his legs saying 'I'm only here because my sister told me to come home' ... I'd have had nothing but contempt for him.
So for instance, my H went from being distant and unhappy to being completely psychologically abusive during his affair.
He didn't want to be married anymore, I was a bad wife and there was no use working on anything because he did not love me anymore. He wasn't having an affair at all, he was very depressed and didn't know what he wanted, so lets not talk about divorce [but get the f away from me and shut up].Because I am stupid and trusted I believed all this, and that gave him the space to work out that OW wasn't filling up that empty hole either, whilst I backed off and worked on what a bad person I am.
It turns out in counselling after discovery, in all the unpacking, that he is and always has been a very deeply selfish person who has ignored and devalued me for years, that I responded during our M in fine borderline pattern to a narcissist by raising the aggressive tone to try and get his attention - (which is also abusive, so he was correct but it is only a part and that he focussed on, to absolve himelf).
The IC said to me: do you realise that his affair is the final unacceptably hurtful part of a greater pattern?
Do you see, Feckbox? He rewrote things to justify what he was doing to make me the bad guy and him the victim, but his behaviour to choose an affair was about HIM, not me? [Even though our marriage unbeknownst to me was not healthy - separate, but connected, issue].
To this day, the A is something that 'happened' to him. He was depressed. She was kind. It meant nothing. So the affair has been and gone, but the marital issues (devalueing, ignoring, distance) are still there? Affairs are separate from the marriage, and are a symptom of poor coping and resolution skills, not the marriage itself. Which is shit BECAUSE of the SAME poor coping and resolution skills.
Sorry OP I entered a 3 way discussion w Feckbox and Charbon, didn't mean to hijack your thread...
My DP was also psychologically abusive during his affair/s
Op don't force him back to his 'DW' ... she deserves much much better.
Just support her. Take her out, get her to have her hair done, give her lots of loving support, babysit the kids now and again.
Remind her she is of value and worth more than that twat.
^^ By get her to have her hair done i'm in no way minimising what she's going through.. i know..
Just saying she needs support and love to get back on track, don't let her slip into the dark hole that is still loving someone who is treating her like shit.
She has to be strong for her DC's and to do that she also needs support.
Cognito - you do seem to lack empathy but also fail to understand that different families operate in different ways, on different levels of closeness. I have a very close family and yes, when my OH left my brother-in-law spoke to him, my mother spoke to him. They deserved some answers after 20 years of him being loved and supported by my family.
You sound like a lovely source of support OP, simply go on doing what you are doing. Sadly, he has made his choices. She must concentrate on her now and her smaller family.
OP you are going to have to tread a delicate balance I'm afraid between maintaining a relationship with your SIL and with your brother and the OW.
My ex in-laws have been wonderful (including siblings, cousins and extended family) they have made it clear that I am still someone they want to see and I am included in events which don't involve ex and his new wife (OW). He moved away to live with her while I still live in his old home town so my day to day dealings with them have not changed much and my dcs see as much of my ex MIL as they ever did. She has warmly accepted ex's new wife into her family and said to me "well if we're not in laws we'll just have to be friends".
You and the rest of the family, if you like and value your SIL, will have to find some way of maintaining a relationship with her. It does not have to be a question of taking sides, you can acknowledge that he's done something very wrong by being deceptive while also acknowledging that he probably has made the decision which he truly believes is right for him.
I know how upsetting it is, for many of us "family" is much more than husband and wife and 2.4 children. If we've been lucky enough to find in laws we like and love then it really is a huge sense of bereavement if a relationship breaks down - but the friendships formed can survive . Last week I went out for a meal with my ex-SIL's ex-dh and his new dp - because we like each other and try to stay in touch. I love his new dp, she's brilliant - I also quite like the man ex-SIL left him for but tbh he's a bit boring and have socialised with them too.
I haven't actually met my ex's wife yet, and have resisted the temptation to send her a "thank you" card - one of the many positives to come out of him leaving was my finding out that all these relationships were real and not just because I happened to be married to dh. The thing you can do for your SIL now is to show her that too.
have resisted the temptation to send her a "thank you" card -
Tea covered keyboard yet again lol
I agree with so much that has been written here. I kicked twunt out after 22 years of marriage, and it was a total shock to my parents, family and friends. Only our kids knew how unhappy things were, because they lived in an unhappy house. And yes, Twunt did the whole script thing too, denied an affair (he's now living with her), distanced himself from me and the kids, re-wrote history to make me out to be totally to blame. I didn't tell my parents, we were going through an awfully sad time as a family, they were suffering terribly, and I didn't want to add to their pain and burden. It is possible for people to think that you are happily married, when you're not. After the event, so many people said that things now added up, made sense...but at the time we gave an allusion of happiness, and people took it on board.
Two things that still upset me: firstly, that twunt, never, ever, told me how deeply unhappy he was before things got to the stage where an affair (because he didn't want to be alone, so I totally get the monkey analogy upthread) and leaving was the only way out. I'm not saying the outcome would have been different, but I felt that after being with him for 24 years, and having 4 kids, our marriage had the right to be attempted to be fixed. He really did convince me that everything was ok, and would not discuss any thing that would help us - relate, changing our lifestyles, making time for each other, were all dismissed by him, because he said "everything's ok". I knew it wasn't, but his point blank refusal to co-operate still rankles. Then he said he was off, and there was no discussion, he simply ignored and walked away from all my attempts to discuss things. I still, to this day, don't really know why and I need to know, but am learning to accept that I won't.
The second thing is that my family, in particular my parents, took him into their huge arms and welcomed and loved him from the first day they met him. My parents treated him like the son they never had. I told them I'd kicked him out, and they haven't seen him, talked to him, or discussed anything with him since then. They are deeply hurt, not only by the pain he caused all of us, but the pain he caused them.
Ronan Keating said on Piers Morgan last night that he deeply regretted the hurt he had caused so many people. The devastation, he called it. And it is devasting, the aftermath of a marriage break-up, and the ripples hurt more than the immediate family.
So I feel for you OP, but all you can do is be there for all concerned, and try not to take sides. Their marriage was theirs, and theirs alone; no one can tell them what to do. But he's your brother, so you have to decide how far you can support him. You don't have to do more than you want too. As an aunt, you can be strong and supportive and a rock to their kids and their mum - that would be wonderful.
Saffysmum x
50shades I think that is a truly helpful post. WRT your own situation and the confusion you still have about it, it could be that your husband was happy before he started his affair and it was the affair that created the dissatisfaction with your marriage, not the other way around. I doubt you'll ever know when the affair first started, but it would be interesting to consider the possibility that when you first sensed that something was wrong, there was nothing you could have done about it even if he'd admitted being unhappy. Because it's possible he already had one foot out of the door and the other elsewhere, so to speak. Happens a lot.
50Shades, Pink, Wobbly, Catsrus, Charbon and others, thank you for posting and for the acknowledgment that the shock waves do ripple out a long way.
50Shades what you say sounds pretty much exactly what SIL is saying. DB was telling her that he wanted the marriage to work and that he would do anything to keep his family together (which is why it came as a shock when he had obviously had no intention of bothering) but she now thinks the OW had actually been on the scene for a long time.
He is also interpreting events very differntly from her, which he has to do, in order to justify his actions. (People who want to tell me that he tells the truth and not SIL, well if that's the case I wish he could have been more open and honest about it, and not done the lying and cheating and generally sticking his head in the sand because it has caused a lot of pain.)
So anyway, with regard to my OP, no there's nothing that can be said to him. This is nothing to do with it "not being my business" as some seem at pains to point out. If I can't talk to a brother who can I talk to? But the problem is he currently lives in a different version of reality to the rest of us. (Can't be bothered to keep qualifying what I write in the hope of not offending Cogito...)
SIL will not fade from our wider family as she has been in it for a long time. I hope I can be of help to her and the DNs, if only as someone to listen, and that is already happening. As for him, well - I suppose its a waiting game now. He seems as happy as Larry with his new life, with zero responsibilities.
We have all got to get used to the new status quo, but I feel like I have lost the brother I thought I had, married to SIL or not married to SIL.
They sound like a pair of immature gits who deserve each other. Their families are already dessimated by their selfishness so leve them to it.
There is that expat!
Glad the posts helped SisterAct.
If it's as you and your SIL suspect and the OW pre-dated the problems in the marriage, then the only defence your brother can use is that he bottled up his 'unhappiness' for a long time and the OW gave him the confidence to leave. The fact that he's not even admitting that this course of action was unwise and unkind to your SIL, is a clue in itself. What he might not be able to admit even to himself right now is that he never articulated any 'problems' because there weren't any - or at least, not enough to ditch a marriage over.
This can be a long game. For now, focus all your attention on your SIL and DNs and wait it out before trying to rationalise with your brother.
If you were once close, you might find that later down the line your brother is more honest with himself and others. Keep the door open for that to happen, because your involvement then might actually help him to learn some stuff about himself as a man, partner and father. This conversation wouldn't be about getting him to return to his marriage, because with any luck your SIL will decide that boat has sailed long ago. That conversation will be about what he's learnt from this whole experience - but that is, I think a long way off.
Thank you Charbon; yes, I think the affair was the cause of the marriage break-up and that it possibly caused the unhappiness. But then that opens another box in my head: if you are happy, then surely you can resist an affair? I have met lovely attractive guys over the years, but done no more than indulge in light flirting and the nice feeling you get when you know a nice person finds you attractive - it brightens your shift at work, it makes you feel good for a few hours...then you leave it alone, nip it in the bud, and get back to 'real life'. So, if ex was happy in his marriage, why did he take the leap into an affair - to taking the huge risk of losing it all?
OP - you sound very insightful, and you're right about re-writing history to justify the affair. You are also right about not being able to talk to him, because he's living in fantasy land. Our teenage daughters are frustrated and hurt by their father, because he is so convinced that he is right, and that the reality of the situation is us 'blowing everything out of proportion' that he refuses/can't see their pain or point of view at all. This has of course made the wedge between him and them bigger. Our sons, have simply walked away from him, and are disgusted for the way he behaved, not only at the time, but now ... by his persistence in refusing to apologise, to take any responsibility, to 'man up' if you like, to the pain he's caused. It really is, all about him.
I wish you luck - I hope that you are able to get on with your own life, and be happy too - because if you can 'compartmentalise' this and go to it fresh and strong in a way to support your sil and her kids, you will do so much good for them. Your sil will get through this, and so will her kids. It won't be easy, but if I can get through it and come out the other side a stronger, happier person, she will.
Saffysmum x
The second thing is that my family, in particular my parents, took him into their huge arms and welcomed and loved him from the first day they met him. My parents treated him like the son they never had. I told them I'd kicked him out, and they haven't seen him, talked to him, or discussed anything with him since then. They are deeply hurt, not only by the pain he caused all of us, but the pain he caused them.
Oh 50 - I could have written that word for word. Worse than my pain was my mother - lovely and innocent woman that she is - constantly asking 'why'?
Oh dear what messes we make and yes, why do men wait until crisis point rather than being brave and talking?
Why? First because he's a different person to you and secondly, probably because when it actually became an affair, it wasn't a huge leap. Unless he was a philanderer, affairs are very rarely about 'huge leaps'. They are about hundreds of small steps that start off innocently and evolve into something more addictive. You can be happy in your marriage and start a very innocent friendship with someone else. Similarly, you can be happy in your marriage, but plagued with insecurities about other life stuff - and an ego boost from someone else helps with that. Of course it's also possible that he was unhappy for years and showed it. It doesn't sound like it though, from what you're saying.
I know Punk, I know....it's so bloody hard, I'll never forget the look of shock, pain and bewilderment on my parents faces when I told them. They still come round and shake their heads in disbelief - 18 months on. But they've rallied round me and the kids, and we have good fun times too - it just didn't make sense to them at all, I don't think it ever will.
I hope this isn't going to sound trite - but I know very few women who don't emerge from this happier and stronger. I know there are some who don't - but I have been very struck with how many women on here end up saying "well, it wasn't my choice, but you know what, life is better now in many ways". I think it is hardest for older children - particularly if there were no obvious signs of cracks in the marriage. for them the whole of their reality gets called into question - they wonder if it was all an illusion of family happiness and nothing was true. One of mine won't have any photos of her df on display she is so angry with him for lying. Not for leaving, for lying about OW.
SisterAct I think you can help your dns realise that there were happy times - no matter how much your bro. rewrites history he was happy too in those family holiday snaps. I talk to mine about good times a lot, in my head I try to think of exH as dead, and talk about him as casually as I would if he were.
It would have been easier, in many ways, if he had gone under a bus - because then the mourning would be cleaner and the memories untainted unless the OW had emerged at the funeral in black widows weeds wailing and renting her garments. I don't want him to become a taboo topic so I make the effort to still talk about him kindly through gritted teeth sometimes which has really helped in maintaining the family relationships too. If you are close enough to your SIL to talk about things like this it might help to do so over a bottle of wine.
Catsrus, absolutely everything you say is happening/being said in this case as well. I also think SIL will be fine in the end. But as for the relationship between DB and his children - dunno. a lot of water has got to pass under many bridges I expect. You are right that in many ways a bereavement is cleaner - it's not a chosen rejection. SIL says that too.
Is your brother extremely egotistical SisterAct? I ask this because my ex was/is. He really thought that his kids would be delighted that he 'had the happiness he deserved' and would still love him unconditionally.
Well, they don't. Because they live in the real world (unlike him) they have seen my pain, and of course experienced their own.
He has lost his sons, and his daughters have no illusions about him, and are fine on the surface, but I know they really need answers and honesty. But of course, as you've hinted at, he can't do honesty, because that would mean him admitting that he caused all the pain in their lives.
All you can do is support them, and hope that his sons learn that no man should treat their kids like he treated them. That is what my sons know, and its a painful, but valuable lesson.
You sound lovely and caring - they are lucky to have you at this time - lots of family stick together, and loyally support the guilty party because bloods thicker than water, yet you can see the clear picture - that's so good for your SIL and her kids.
So lovely to be in the wise company of other women who have been through the same thing. Yes I think it is often largely about ego. My OH works in a very glam high-pressurised job in a creative industry. He is often called a 'genius' and people rely on him for work. At home he had a sick partner and a difficult teenager. Too much hassle and the real world. But the real world, the depth and the difficult times, are what makes us. And yes, I think women are often happier. I have sighted happiness in the distance but alas, I am still chasing it.......
It is there for you Punk - that happiness in the distance...sometimes if you stop chasing it, it finds you...x
I wouldn't say he was egotistical but I think he does have a problem with the tedium of things in RL like bills, paperwork...and he escapes into the all-consuming hobby, in which ow is a local leading light. He did seem to think that he could just carry on as normal, helping SIL out, carrying on as normal with DNs, with just the little difference that he no longer lived with them. Seems genuinely surprised that this is not happening. As I say - lives in a different version of reality. Not sure if that will ever change.
Punk I hope that you will realise one day that calmness and content are yours again, and all the more so for coming through these storms.
Yes, that sounds familiar too. My ex thought that he would be regularly giving me my chemo shots and spending time with his daughter. Reality? I taught myself to do my shots as I couldn't bear the intimacy of him doing it and his daughter has disowned him. Yes, I think they work out a neat little scenario that only involves them and their shrinking world. Your brother will learn and sadly, he will pay the price. Hope too that the children are OK - it is never easy...
Abitwobbly, I do get it.
1) SOME men rewrite history when they leave a partner for another. They look back on a perfectly good marriage and make out it was bad to justify jumping ship.
2) SOME men live with crappy unappreciative Wives. i know several. They don't realise just how crappy and unappreciative until they meet someone else and realise that life does not have to be that way. Good on them for leaving
I object to the MN tendency to insist all men fall into category 1)
They don't .
Lurking, not much to say that hasn't already been said, but SisterAct I just want to say I think there's been some great advice/discussion on this thread.
Currently going through a marriage break up myself - Twunt left suddenly one day, I had no idea, and I fully expect him to start re-writing history too. He has already done that with his parents, telling them he was 'unhappy' for some time. He never ever discussed this with me or gave me any chance to fight for our marriage. I thought Abitwobbly's comment about affairs not being about the marriage but about poor coping/resolution skills spot on.
Anyway, there's some great posts on here. Good luck.
What do you mean by 'crappy and unappreciate wives' Feckbox?
I'm just trying to identify the sort of behaviour of several women you seem to know personally, that wouldn't be obvious and relationship-ending to the men they are partnered with - until they'd met someone else?
Critical, demanding, not valuing their husband's contribution, cold.
Feck, I understand what you are saying.
But what you are missing out, is that they are PART OF THE CRAP. You know, you (as a poor hard done by spouse) can only be unappreciated if you don't set boundaries. Your wife might be being a bitch, because she isn't being heard/has had to raise the tempo because you won't listen...
I don't think anyone deserves being betrayed and run off on. I am not with you on this one. I was unhappy and not being appreciated, but I still loved and I was still loyal, and I had NO tools in my box to solve things (because he was part of the crap). I didn't run off and fuck anyone, you know? It's a shit way of a marriage ending. Really shit.
My STBXH said that I never appreciated him, that I was lazy and that I walked all over him.
In reality? He never listened to anything I said, so I had to repeat stuff several times and in the end I got sick of it so refused to repeat it again then got told I was being stupid. He never once told me that I looked nice or that the tea I cooked was nice yet I was supposed to show appreciation if he picked the Hoover up? I was working part time also self employed, looking after DD, making packed lunches every day, tea on the table every night, ...
He agreed to everything I ever asked or suggested so how the hell could I walk over him? His own brother told him to grow a pair as it wasn't fair to me if he said yes then complained behind my back.
He couldn't make a decision to save his life. He couldn't support me emotionally "I'm no good when girls cry" he could not communicate.
But guess what? He had no problem texting and emailing OW all day every day to comfort her and moan about our relationship?!
OW knew about our relationship "problems" when I dudn't even know he was unhappy. So he vilified me and turned to her before walking out right out of the blue.....
You can't fix it if you don't know it's broken...
I too was "crappy and unappreciative" - but I was reacting to the fact that my DH has become distant and critical (as he was having an affair) and this made for a vicious circle.
Critical, demanding, not valuing their husband's contribution, cold.
Thanks feckbox but how do you know this? Is this something their partners have told you about, or are these behaviours you've witnessed yourself personally?
Can you flesh out 'demanding' a bit more? Demanding of what?
Charbon: out of interest, I emailed my estranged H, because I really did want to know.
He said he was a mix of 2. and 3.
So he was happy in his marriage and went for the ego boost, AND he was unhappy in his marriage and showed it...
That is why I was completely blindsided of course . But then, I WAS being rather blind too.
So, I can't totally dismiss what Feckbox is saying. Our marriage was not good and I WAS a contributor. But you know? It comes back down to those pesky coping skills.... I still think I would and could have responded, I would have met him half way and owned stuff - had he been anything more than an emotional cripple!
If I said I knew MEN who were critical , demanding, cold , not valuing their wife's contribution would you have such trouble understanding ?
If I said I knew MEN who were critical , demanding, cold , not valuing their wife's contribution would you have such trouble understanding ?
Yes. Why would there be a difference?
It's not just men who have this type of crisis. But there really isn't very much you can do if he's already left. And nobody can say whether this will just be a flash in the pan and he will go back to his wife or whether he has left for good. It all depends on the circumstances. If he was unhappy in his marriage maybe he won't want to go back even if it doesn't work out with this OW.
Well of course there would not be a difference and i am glad you can see that , but half of MN seems to always think the man is at fault and if a woman is cold , critical etc its because the man deserves it but if a man is cold and critical he's an abusing bastard.
Feckbox, you aren't responding to my point, though. I own I was critical and [wifely faults] - but that his behaviour provoked it? If I was angry, then he was the good guy?
It isn't that simple you know and it really doesn't explain/justify cheating. I had a hollow laugh when he told me his OW complained 'you never talk to me'.
You don't say!!! Was it me????
I agree with abit. WHATEVER the problems, you talk, you put some depth and understanding into things. Your knickers do not have to fall to the ground - man or woman.
My twunt walked out rather than talk to me.
His version of events? "oh we split up, things hadn't been good for a while"
My version? " he just walked out on me, I had no idea he was unhappy, until the night he walked out"
Where we in the same marriage?!!
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always keep a full fridge... Deschutes, Bayern, etc...
Stopped into 99 Bottles in Federal Way, WA today and felt like a kid in a candy store. Just to keep it easy I stuck with beers made in the USA. Here is what I added to my inventory..... Avery Mephistopheles Imperial Stout (10 bucks for a 12oz, but Evan! swears it's the best RIS out there) Dick's Imperial Stout Dick's Barleywine (Dick's is a small brewery in Centralia WA) Dogfish Head Burton Baton IPA Dogfish Head Midas Touch (I have to try it once) Avery Collaboration not Litigation Ale Butte Creek Train Wreck Barleywine Lagunitas Gnarlywine Allagash Four (Quadruple) Ommegang Chocolate Indulgence Looking forward to sampling these guys.
Make Beer, Not War.
Pomegranate Wheat - Ft. Collins Brewing Double hoped IPA - Breckenridge Brewery Dos EquisXX (Per EdWort) Fat Tire - New Belgium Brewing Co SWMBO's Fat Tire Clone. (not commercial, but it's why I have the fat tire)
I just grabbed some Gulden Draak and a six pack of New Castle. Surprisingly I had never had New Castle up until this point. Usually I buy local microbrews, like Howe Sound, Phillips, KB, Granville Island or Tree Brewing. As well, Grolsh's usually find their way into the fridge.
I have homebrews and an unopened 12 pack of Coors Light.
Two Brothers Cane & Abel Southern Tier IPA Acme Pale Ale Lebbe Amalthée
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
Updated List, I have been out shopping!: Allagash Dubbel O'Hara's Red Wachusetts Quinn's Ale Dos Equis Amber ABC Water Gap Wheat Sierra Nevada ESB Lagunitas Pils Abita Ammber
2 Arrogant Bastard 1 Ruination 1 Russian Imp Stout 12 pack of Carona 12 pack of Labatts blue 1 hop rod rye , had 2 but someone drank it last night and it wasnt me And a few of my brews.
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.'- Ronald Reagan

subset: commoncrawl


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"I couldn't have been happier," KFWB/980 AM Director of News Programming Andy Ludlum said of the station's June 24 remote broadcasts in Long Beach. The "On Your Corner" teams travel to downtown Los Angeles on July 22 and to Fullerton on Nov. 11.
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Coastal (horse)
Coastal | |
Sire | Majestic Prince |
Grandsire | Raise A Native |
Dam | Alluvial |
Damsire | Buckpasser |
Sex | Stallion |
Foaled | 1976 |
Country | United States |
Colour | Chestnut |
Breeder | Claiborne Farm |
Owner | William Haggin Perry |
Trainer | David A. Whiteley |
Record | 14: 8-1-3 |
Earnings | $493,929 |
Major wins | |
Haskell Invitational Handicap (1979) Belmont Stakes (1979) |
Last updated on September 24, 2007 |
Coastal (foaled 1976 at Claiborne Farm in Kentucky) was an American Thoroughbred racehorse. He was sired by U.S. Racing Hall of Fame inductee Majestic Prince out of the mare Alluvial, who was in turn was sired by U.S. Racing Hall of Fame stallion Buckpasser. He was a half-brother, thru Alluvial, to Slew o' Gold.
Owned by William Haggin Perry and trained by David A. Whiteley, Coastal won the Peter Pan Stakes by 12 lengths, prompting his owner to pay a supplemental nomination fee for the Belmont Stakes. Coastal won the Belmont in a huge upset over Spectacular Bid, who placed third, becoming the first supplemental entry to ever win the race.
He ran second to Affirmed in the Woodward Stakes and third in the Marlboro Cup Invitational Handicap behind Spectacular Bid and General Assembly. Then, in the Grade I Jockey Club Gold Cup, in a stretch battle with rivals Spectacular Bid and Affirmed, he again placed third.
Coastal was retired and was sent to Mick Gross' Summerhill Stud in South Africa in 1988. He sired graded stakes winners Cherry Jubilee, Dangers Hour, Little Brianne, and Canadian multiple stakes winner Triple Wow.
Pensioned in the spring of 2003, Coastal died on September 28, 2005.


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These subscriptions not only give you the access to fresh local produce & eggs, but also the opportunity to support your local urban micro-farmers. Your subscription dollars provide us with some of the upfront costs of farming (such as seeds, organic soil amendments, equipment, etc.), and also allows us to sell to you directly as your personal farmers. Here on the farm, we are at the mercy of the Mother Nature. We all know that she can have a mind of her own at times. So, our subscription members must realize that they share in both the occasional risk as well as the delicious benefits of farming.
Sample Full Share for Spring/Summer 2014 Season:
Swiss Chard – 1 bunch Heirloom Tomatoes – 2-3 lbs Cherry Tomatoes – 1 lb Cucumbers – 2 each Summer Squash – 3 lbs Green Onions – 1 bunch Red Potatoes – 2 lbs Basil or Other Herb– 1 bunch
Farmyard's Fresh Eggs
Our girls are fed certified organic feed of lay pellets, flax seed, cracked corn, and a variety of fruit and vegetable trimmings from our farms. Our eggs have creamy orange-yellow yolks, and when whipped the whitest whites! Our girls are pampered and their eggs show it! We keep a variety of breeds so each dozen eggs will be different colors of light brown, dark brown, white, blue, pink, and green. We sell them by the dozen ($6.50) or half dozen ($3.25), and can be added to your subscription.
CSA Details
Season: Year round
Type: single farm
Since: 2009
Full Share: $ 32.00/week with a 10 week minimum - payable in advance
1/2 Share: $ 22.00/week with a 10 week minimum - payable in advance
Work Req? No
Farming Practices
Our Drop Offs and Delivery Areas
Drop Off Point / Center of Delivery Area
Pick Up / Drop Off Points
Delivery Area
(Tue Fri)
Members enjoy free delivery within a 5 mile radius of our micro-farm. If you are outside this area, we may still deliver for a small weekly fee.
Contact: Sarah Kidwell
Phone: 602-954-1440
4056 E Weldon Ave
Phoenix, AZ 85018


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Our Mission
Based upon the belief that all students can learn and with the understanding that their learning capabilities may vary, it is the mission of Charleston Community School District No. 1 to provide learning environments that allow students the opportunity to maximize their learning capabilities.
Illinois 5Essentials Survey
Attention Parents:
Please take the
Illinois 5Essentials Survey by clicking
here. (survey
opens January 12th) For more
information on the survey please
here. The survey closes on March 13th. Thank
Invitation to a Public Forum
Charleston CUSD#1 invites you to attend a public forum
by the Illinois State Board of Education,
Division of Special Education
Services on February 17th
at 5:30 pm at Charleston Administration Office
For more
information please
click here.
2014-2015 Snow Routes
All parents who have a child that rides a school bus will
need to
please read the 2014-15 Snow
Routes memo. Please
for this important informational memo.
Winter Storm Safety Information
Ruth Hughes, Deena Ballard, Katie Barr, Belle Long, and
intern Jordan
Coleman have complied a pdf as a proactive
measure to remind families
to prepare for this winter's
weather, potential closings, and emergency
Click here to see this
Online Payments Now Available
E-funds for
Schools is the program we have setup for food
service online payments. E-Funds for Schools ties
directly into
Skyward. For
more information on e-Funds for Schools
click here.
Moving to Charleston?
Please click here
to find information on our school district through our
school report card.
Important Dates
January 19th, 2015
No School - Martin Luther King's Birthday
January 21st, 2015
6:30 School Board Meeting - Central Office - Board Room
January 30th, 2015
2 Hour Early Dismissal
February 16th, 2015
No School - President's Day
February 17th, 2015
Public Forum on Special Education
5:30 pm -
Central Office - Board Room
View Full Calendar


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away from the crowd
This photo was shot on film. Taken by vandal with a Diana Wrangler loaded with Ektar 100 film in Constanta,tuzla, Romania. These tags describe this photo: girl, party, portrait, night, and sea. Date: 2011-07-30. Time: Morning. This photo can also be found in the album SHOOTING 47 !!! (MAREA CU SAREA).Please login to get more out of this site
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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION
Variation on Variations proves utterly charming
IT may not be flattering to be asked to write a piece of music to help put someone to sleep, but as the story goes, this was the inspiration for J.S. Bach's Goldberg Variations.
The 1741 Aria and 30 variations are said to have been commissioned by Count Keyserling, an insomniac, to have played to him during sleepless nights by a Bach's student (named Goldberg). Their effectiveness is not documented, but judging from the riveting performance and standing ovation Monday night, they may be deemed a failure.
Concert Review
A Solution for Insomnia
- Agassiz Chamber Music Festival
- Eckhardt-Gramatt© Hall
- June 10
- Attendance: 180
- Four stars out of out of five
We are familiar with the Goldbergs being played on harpsichord and piano, but through a stroke of genius, Russian violinist Dmitry Sitkovetsky created a string trio arrangement that is completely charming.
Prior to the performance, violist David Harding called the work "one of the most difficult pieces for string trio," but he and colleagues Yehonatan Berick, violin, and cellist Paul Marleyn possessed this work, easily making us converts to the transcription.
The opening theme was as restful as a sigh, played with resonant patience. When it returned at the end it was exactly the same -- not weary -- as you might expect after 30 demanding and diverse variations. This versatile and adventurous trio of artists kept things equally well-paced throughout the rapid and intricate passages as they did in the more gently rendered. Spirit was maintained, while adding a texture and stylistic approach a harpsichord could not accomplish.
In some variations, strong rhythmic patterns were sharply defined, never forsaking the musicality so crucial to interpreting Bach, while others swept along with a continuous flow, as parts moved between performers. The three musicians expertly lent just the right mood to every variation.
This was a marvellous effort with highly enjoyable results.
Earlier in the evening, Berick and Marleyn were joined by pianist Thomas Sauer in the appealing Piano Trio in D minor by Russian composer Anton Arensky. Melody rules this work and the artists made the most of it. Berick opened with generous tone and phrasing, Marleyn's cello sang lovingly while Sauer's fingers flew across the keyboard in rippling passages. This was dramatic, exciting, no-holds-barred playing.
The playful scherzo was punctuated with pizzicato, while Sauer's technique was on display in intricate activity. Who knew a cello could dance? In Marleyn's hands, the big string instrument showed it could be light on its toes. Violin and cello bowed phrases that swayed and swooped, accompanied by almost comical oom-pah continuo. The audience even chuckled at the bright little ending.
The only downer of the show was the opening work played by Harding and Sauer -- Britten's Lachrymae, reflections on a song of Dowland for viola and piano. Sombre and unwelcoming, full of unpleasing dissonance and harshness, it started the evening off on an unfortunate note. And while played with expertise, listening to some of the squealy overtones had the effect of fingernails scraped on a blackboard. Poor Dowland was indiscernible in this poor selection for a concert start.
The festival continues this afternoon at 2:30 p.m. with Berick playing the entire Paganini Caprices at St. Margaret's Anglican Church.
Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 12, 2013 C3
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Could he fall that far? With the one year Franchise on Spencer we could draft Mercilus and see if we could upgrade opposite Ware without having to commit to a long term deal on a just better than average OLB. Whitney has the size and power to handle the run but better quickness and pass rushing potential than Spencer. Whitney Mercilus, 6-4/265 Defensive End Illinois Whitney Mercilus Scouting Report By Charlie Campbell Strengths: Raw speed to turn the edge Agility to sink his hips/shoulder Strength Repertoire of moves Active hands Has the strength to anchor and hold his ground vs. the run Always looking to force fumbles Quick get off Shedding blocks when pass rushing Ability to bull rush heavy tackles and guards Extremely athletic Weaknesses: One-year wonder Lacks complete body of work in college Quality of tackles he faced Summary: Whitney Mercilus was the most productive pass-rusher in college football in 2011. He led the nation in sacks (16) and forced fumbles (9). It was a record-setting season as Mercilus topped Simeon Rice's school record for sacks in a year. Like Rice, Mercilus is a fabulous athlete. He has a special combination of size, speed and strength to go along with excellent technique. Mercilus also recorded 57 tackles and 22.5 tackles for a loss. Entering the NFL, Mercilus is an advanced pass-rusher. He got the better of the best tackles he faced this season. Against Ohio State's Mike Adams, Mercilus recorded 1.5 sacks with a forced fumble. The Wisconsin Badgers' powerful offensive line couldn't contain Mercilus. He bull rushed through massive right tackle Josh Oglesby to get a sack-fumble on Russell Wilson. Mercilus also knocked out left tackle Ricky Wagner for part of the game. Mercilus has a very impressive repertoire of pass rushing moves. He attacks with speed around the edge. As a counter to the speed, he has the strength to execute rip moves and shed offensive linemen. Mercilus has the raw power to get under offensive linemen's pads and bull rush into the pocket. That catches linemen by surprise as they are so cognizant of being ready for his speed rush. Beyond his great physical skill set, Mercilus is an advanced pass-rusher technically. Mercilus holds up well in run defense. Linemen don't push him around, as he is strong at the point of attack. He also will burst into the backfield to disrupt running plays. The big question regarding Mercilus is why didn't break into the lineup sooner and why didn't he produce more earlier. In 2009 and 2010, Mercilus combined to record 24 tackles with two sacks and 6.5 tackles for a loss. Player Comparison: Jason Pierre-Paul. There are a lot of similarities between Mercilus and JPP. Both are fantastic athletes who come to the NFL with a special combination of speed and strength. They also were one-year wonders at the college level. Mercilus had more production than JPP in their final college season, and the latter has turned into one of the best pass-rushers in the NFL. Right now, it looks like Mercilus should get drafted in the same range as JPP. However, it is possible that Mercilus will be this year's Aldon Smith and surprise some by cracking the top 10. It is not out of the question for him to pass North Carolina's Quinton Coples in the lead up to the 2012 NFL Draft. JPP did that with Derrick Morgan in 2010. Projecting Mercilus to the pros, I see a player similar to Pierre-Paul. NFL Matches: Jacksonville, Chicago, San Diego, New York Jets, Buffalo, Cleveland, Detroit What team couldn't use another pass-rusher? Mercilus has the athletic ability to be a stand-up edge-rusher in 3-4 defenses, and that opens him up to consideration from a lot of teams. He looks like a natural right defensive end in a 4-3 defense who will challenge left tackles. The Jaguars will have the first crack at Mercilus, and they need an edge rusher. Buffalo, San Diego and the Jets are all 3-4 defenses that need to find a player who can put heat on the quarterback. If Mercilus gets past all of those teams, he could end up in Chicago. They need some young talent for their defense. It would be a significant fall for Mercilus to get to the Browns' second first-round selection, but they could use an end to complete their young front four. The Lions almost took a defensive end last year, and if they don't re-sign Cliff Avril, they might consider trading up to land Mercilus.
No, OLB and I think he is going to be a very good one. I think he is a Greg Ellis starter kit, but smarter than Greg Ellis and has progressed further than I think Ellis did coming out of college. He can bullrush and he has the speed to get around the end. Not only that, the man runs a 4.5 40. (even at 270lbs) If the offense runs away from him, he can chase him down. (and QBs too!)
I've read contradictory opinions on Mercilus. Other scouts say that he lacks a quick first step, has unexceptional technique, and relies on pure effort to get sacks.
If he comes to Dallas and the run away from him, they are running toward Ware with no TE help. ADVANTAGE....... Dallas


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Welcome to Acorn Childcare
As one of the most established providers of nurseries and childcare in Milton Keynes and Northamptonshire, Acorn Childcare has over 25 years' experience operating nurseries, out of school clubs and Forest Schools.
Our Nurseries
We operate a number of nurseries across Milton Keynes and Northamptonshire. Providing a homely setting with an emphasis on healthy food and outdoor play, we work hard to ensure the children's well-being is at the heart of everything we do.
Find a nurseryOut of School Clubs
Offering a range of activities and arts-and-crafts, our out-of-school and holiday clubs are a great way for children to have fun and play outside of school hours, giving you the added flexibility of drop off and collecting at times that are convenient to you.
Out-of-school clubs
Activities and Forest Schools
All of our nurseries provide a range of additional activities to aid children's learning and development. Every nursery also has access to our established and well respected Forest Schools, offering an innovative approach to outdoor play and learning.
View Activities
- What's Included
- Meals and Catering
- Our Ethos
- Our Policies
- Our Staff
At Acorn Childcare, we've designed our fees to be straightforward and transparent. Our fees are all-inclusive, and you won't be charged extra for any of the following:
- All inclusive fees, including all food, baby milk, nappies and wipes
- Freshly prepared meals
- Forest Schools
- A range of activities
All our nurseries follow the same set of menus, which are carefully planned to ensure that they are nutritionally balanced and appealing to the children. Acorn ensure that all ingredients are, as far as possible, fresh, locally and ethically sourced, and of a high quality.
Read about our catering'Putting children first' is one way we sum up our ethos in our nurseries, and we have developed the following core values which all our staff follow and work to achieve:
- Personal
- Professional
- Nurturing
- Outdoor
- Ethical
We aim to balance the need to be consistent in our practice with allowing nurseries to develop their own individuality and we have a cluster-type structure, with no nursery more than half an hour away from another, and all nurseries within an hour's drive from our Central Support Office. No policy is set in stone, as they are all reviewed at least annually to ensure that we remain at the forefront of childcare excellence.
Above all, we aim to recruit staff with a genuine love of children, and we value experience and maturity as much as energy and enthusiasm, as we believe the best staff teams have a balance of personalities and abilities. We also have a team of staff in our Central Support Office who provide administrative and specialist support to each of the nurseries, enabling the staff to spend time with the children, not on paperwork.
Acorn Childcare: A Day at Nursery
This short video features footage showing what the children get up to in a typical day at nursery. Filmed from the children's perspective and across several sites, it shows the day through their eyes and the world as they see it, as well some of the types of activities they get up to and the style of play they choose to participate in.
Acorn Childcare is delighted to announce its new dedicated health and safety services, specifically for the Early Years sector. We're offering you our knowledge and expertise in health and safety services, ensuring your learning environments are fully compliant with relevant authorities.
View Health & Safety Services
Get In Touch
Download our Refund Policy here. All prices in £GBP. We accept the following payment types:


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Linda and Eid are just so welcoming and friendly. Our apartment was just fab and so very clean, it was just so much better than we had hoped for. Eid picked us up from the airport and dropped us off for our return journey. The fridge was well stocked so that we did not need to go shopping immediately. Linda... More
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Total Time:
Prep Time:
Cook Time:
1 hr 30 mins
20 mins
1 hr 10 mins
Lennie's Note:
This results in exceptionally moist and tender chicken, with the bonus of being a complete meal. The veggies get bathed in the chicken juices, resulting in an easy, delicious one-pan dinner. It's low-maintenance once it's in the oven too; no basting, no fussing. You may want to add extra garlic cloves in the pan; after roasting they're sweet and delicious and taste great when squeezed out onto the chicken meat or potatoes. Do try the parsnip in this dish, rather than the more traditional carrot; the parsnip gets very sweet when roasting and goes so well with the chicken. This dish is easy enough for weeknights, spiffy enough for company!
My Private Note
Units: US | Metric
- 4 medium red potatoes, unpeeled
- 2 sweet potatoes, peeled
- 2 large parsnips, peeled
- 3 small onions, peeled and quartered
- 6 garlic cloves, not peeled
- 1/4 cup olive oil (approximate measure)
- 1 bunch fresh rosemary
- 1 bunch fresh thyme
- 2 lemons
- 1 roasting chicken, weighing approx 3 1/2 lbs
- paprika, for sprinkling
- coarse salt
- fresh ground black pepper, to taste
- 1Please note you won't use the entire bunches of both herbs, but you do need a fair amount.
- 2Preheat oven to 400°F, have ready a shallow roasting pan.
- 3Cut the potatoes, sweet potatoes and parsnips into chunks about one-inch square.
- 4Place the potatoes, sweet potatoes, parsnips, two onions (peeled and quartered) and 4 of the garlic cloves in the shallow roasting pan; sprinkle generously with coarse (kosher) salt and freshly ground black pepper, then drizzle with a few teaspoons of olive oil; toss with your hands to coat all the veggies.
- 5Nestle one sprig of fresh rosemary and one sprig of thyme into the veggies, then set pan aside.
- 6On a cutting board, quarter one of the lemons (unpeeled) into wedges, slice the remaining 2 garlic cloves in half (leave skins on), then place the remaining onion quarters beside them, along with several sprigs of fresh rosemary and fresh thyme; sprinkle these items generously with salt and pepper.
- 7Traditionally, you salt and pepper the inside of a chicken to be roasted; I find this very awkward to do so I salt and pepper what I'm going to stuff inside the bird, instead.
- 8Now stuff all into the cavity of the chicken and then truss (tie up with kitchen string) the bird, if desired (it's not necessary); my grocery store sells birds already trussed so I just have to slip the tips of the drumsticks out from the under the string then tuck them back in when I'm done.
- 9Place chicken atop the vegetables in the roasting pan.
- 10Juice the remaining lemon; chop up some fresh rosemary and fresh thyme.
- 11Rub the juice all over the chicken, then drizzle a couple of tablespoons of olive oil over the bird; sprinkle with the fresh herbs, then the paprika, then the salt and pepper.
- 12Roast in preheated oven for 40 minutes, then reduce the heat to 375°F and continue to roast another 30 minutes or so, until the juices around the thigh run clear; a smaller bird may only take another 20 minutes, while a larger bird could require another 40 minutes.
- 13When chicken is done, remove it to a cutting board and cover with a tent of foil to keep warm; let chicken sit for 15 minutes before carving.
- 14While chicken is resting, give the veggies a good stir in the roasting pan (there will be lots of flavourful chicken juices in the pan) and return to oven.
- 15After chicken has rested, carve bird, place on platter, remove veggies from oven, and serve.
- 16This smells incredible as it roasts, so expect the folks at your dinner table to be extremely eager to dig in!
Browse Our Top One-Dish Meal Recipes
Nutritional Facts for Roasted Chicken With Lemon and Fresh Herbs
Serving Size: 1 (455 g)
Servings Per Recipe: 4
- Amount Per Serving
- % Daily Value
- Calories 518.6
- Calories from Fat 230
- 44%
- Total Fat 25.6 g
- 39%
- Saturated Fat 5.3 g
- 26%
- Cholesterol 53.4 mg
- 17%
- Sodium 127.6 mg
- 5%
- Total Carbohydrate 56.0 g
- 18%
- Dietary Fiber 7.3 g
- 29%
- Sugars 8.4 g
- 33%
- Protein 18.7 g
- 37%
The following items or measurements are not included:
fresh rosemary
fresh thyme
Ideas from Food.com


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Get Truthdig's headlines in your inbox!
Killing Ragheads for Jesus
'We Are Going to Destroy the Greek Oligarchy System'
Searching for Radical Democracy in the Ruins of Capitalism
Greece's Ascendant Syriza Party: Blatant Anti-Capitalists or Mere Social Democrats?
Why Many Cities Aren't Allowed to Provide the Cheap, Fast Internet Obama Wants You to Have
By Edward P. Morgan
By Art Spiegelman
Shutterstock photo of a keyboard.
Since Edward Snowden blew the whistle on the NSA's mass surveillance of Americans, interest in cryptography has been piqued. That's fine if you're a nerd, but what about Grandma's privacy? Luckily there are fairly simple ways to communicate privately.
View the most popular tags overall?


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Universal Fit
Philips SWAROVSKI ACTIVE CRYSTALS ICON SWS2000 - Headphones ( in-ear ear-bud )
The Icon earphones are an elegant culmination of Philips faultless technology and the timeless beauty of Swarovski fine crystal jewelry. The in-ear earphones are tastefully accented by a dome of faceted silver shade crystal, lightweight (no more than 20 grams) and set with elegant transparent silver coloured fabric cables. The ear-phones are fitted with comfortable rubber pads.
Otto Hi-Fi Isolating Earbuds - Silver (V35-1003S)
Otto Isolating Ear Buds, Silver Your ears get bored. They want to be entertained. Not by voices of people around you they want music served up crisp,clear and without distortion. The kind of stuff MP3 players were made for, if only their headphonescould deliver. No problem, one easy upgrade and youve got the sound your ears are raving along with the customized comfort theyve been longing...
Micro Innovations MM705H Deluxe In-Ear Headphone
The MM705H MICRO BUDS Deluxe in-ear stereo headphones feature Compact Ear buds and lightweight design.
Telemax Brain Acid Earbuds (Pink/White)
Brain Acid in-ear buds deliver a bigger, badder listening experience. Their small 9mm driver delivers clear detail and balanced tonal range, while the flexible ear cushions fit in a variety of different ears. They sit securely in your ear while blocking external noise
HHI Deep Bass Vibe Earphone - Blue
Revolutionary bass and high-fashion colors combine to form a new fashion attitude. Deep Bass with unique Soft Silicon earbud naturally reduces outside noise and enables unparalleled bass levels that can actually be felt. Complete comfort is assured through unique shape soft silicon earphone cover.
The University of Virginia 2-Pack SportBuds
Your 2-Pack SportBuds include TWO ultra-lightweight in-the-ear earbuds for music on the go. This dual portable stereophone unit includes a see-through, compact, wind-up spool carrying case for easy storage and protection when not in use. A 4-foot straight cord and L plug provide flexibility and reliability for active use. For all portable audio and video devices, MP3, CD and DVD players....
Philips Swarovski Active Crystals Space Jet Hematite In-Ear Headphones 959367
Philips | Swarovski Space Crystal Jet in ear headphones Morion SWS4200/12 In-ear headphones with polished stainless steel body and high quality fabric-type cable. Soft and flexible earpiece made of transparent silicone with fully faceted drop-cut Jet Hematite crystals on outside. Size: 1 1/4" x 7/8" x 1/2". Also known as model: SWS4200/12. Philips Swarovski Active Crystals Space...
Panasonic RPHV298S Bud Headphone with Winding Case & Volume Control
Stereo bud Insidephones with In-Cord Volume Control / Silver color Color - Silver
GTMax 2 White 3.5mm Stereo Headset Handsfree Soft Gel Earbud for SanDisk Sansa Clip+ / Sansa Clip / Sansa Fuze / Sansa View / Sansa e200
Brand new non-OEM Light weight and stylish. Superb sound quality. Headphone jack: 3.5mm Include 2 pair additional soft gel. UPC Code:088515722471


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Celebrity Baby Births
Baby Announcement Roundup
Baby Announcement Roundup
There's been a celebrity baby boom this past week so here's a roundup of who welcomed what and when. Plus, someone new is expecting! Find out who at the end of the slideshow. Click start to get going!
Read More Sam HarrisBaby AnnouncementsJodie SweetinElisabeth RohmJohn ChoCate BlanchettCelebrity Babies
Celebrity Babies
Elisabeth Rohm
Jodie Sweetin
Cate Blanchett
Link Love
- Shakira welcomes a second son — People Moms & Babies
- Can you love your child too much? — BabyCenter Blog
- The skills your mom never taught you — Real Simple
- The 9 mom "friends" you don't need — HuffPost Parents
Latest Moms


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A wiki
Ive been lurking around these forums for quite some time and have been spending alot of time here in the last few months and have noticed alot of the same questions apear. Im sure every winter insulation, heating, condensation, draft, etc questions pop up and for the summer A/C, porcths, etc.
If there was a wiki it might help out people more, could go into greater detail and would be easier to refer people to a wiki page then keep typing the same thing out and people could add/edit it. Just a thought. _ |
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:38 AM. |


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Short Cuts
St. Catherine of Bologna, Virgin (Patroness of Artists) Feast - March 9th Born in 1413, Catherine de Vigri was the daughter of a diplomatic agent of the Marquis of Ferrara. At the age of ... continue reading
When Sulpicius Severus first met Martin of Tours he was stunned. Not only did the bishop offer him hospitality at his residence -- a monk's cell in the wilderness instead of a palace -- but ... continue reading
St. Frances Xavier Cabrini, Virgin (Feast day November 13) St. Frances was born in Lombardi, Italy in 1850, one of thirteen children. At eighteen, she desired to become a Nun, but poor ... continue reading
St. Thomas Aquinas, priest and doctor of the Church, patron of all universities and of students. His feast day is January 28th. He was born toward the end of the year 1226. He was the son of ... continue reading
More Saint of the Day"Jesus loved Martha and Mary and Lazarus." This unique statement in John's gospel tells us of the special relationship Jesus had with Martha, her sister, and her brother. Apparently Jesus was a frequent guest at Martha's home in Bethany, a small village ... continue reading
More Female SaintsSt. Michael the Archangel - Feast day - September 29th The name Michael signifies "Who is like to God?" and was the warcry of the good angels in the battle fought in heaven against satan and his followers. Holy Scripture describes St. Michael as "one of the chief ... continue reading
The name Gabriel means "man of God," or "God has shown himself mighty." It appears first in the prophesies of Daniel in the Old Testament. The angel announced to Daniel the prophecy of the seventy weeks. His name also occurs in the apocryphal book of Henoch. He was the ... continue reading
St. Thomas Aquinas, priest and doctor of the Church, patron of all universities and of students. His feast day is January 28th. He was born toward the end of the year 1226. He was the son of ... continue reading
Two Greek philosophers ventured out into the Egyptian desert to the mountain where Anthony lived. When they got there, Anthony asked them why they had come to talk to such a foolish man? He had ... continue reading
By Deacon Keith Fournier
This great defender of the faith insisted on the central claim of Christianity: God can be known and loved-indeed, that is why He came into our midst in the person of His Son; so that through a relationship with Jesus Christ, man could participate in the ... continue reading
More Christian Saints & Heroes