text:
The following commentary does not necessarily reflect the views of AgWeb or Farm Journal Media. The opinions expressed below are the author's own.
Enjoy some good one-liners and bits from your favorite late-night comedians.
"The White House says it's surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It's amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don't do it, and keep extending the deadline for months." –Jimmy Fallon
"The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like 'Goodnight Kale,' 'James and the Giant Organic Peach,' and 'The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.'" –Seth Meyers
"U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world's supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, 'OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, 'Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.'" –Seth Meyers
"The Olympics are winding down in Sochi, and the Russian Olympic Committee says one of the giant Olympic rings that malfunctioned during the opening ceremony will be working for the closing ceremony. So it looks like Russia will be ready for the start of the Winter Olympics by the END of the Winter Olympics." –Jimmy Fallon
"Two former members of the Russian punk band Pussy Riot were detained by police in Sochi. If found guilty, they could be sentenced to two weeks in a Sochi hotel room." –Conan O'Brien
"Are you watching the Olympics? Whenever I'm watching one of these weird events, I ask myself if this wasn't in the Olympics, would I still be watching it? And the answer is always no." –Jimmy Kimmel "In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien
"It's gotten too bad that after years of sliding poll numbers, now the approval ratings of Congress has hit a record low of just 5 percent. There are a lot of pressing questions, namely, who's in the five percent that still approves of Congress?" –Jimmy Fallon
"There's a new restaurant in New York that doesn't let customers talk to each other during their meals. When they heard that, Obama and Republicans said, 'Table for 200 please?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it's time for his party to have a 'Braveheart' moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: 'Ransom.'" –Jay Leno
"Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas." –Jay Leno
"President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again." –David Letterman
"If you've never seen 'The Walking Dead,' it's basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what's left of America. No wait, that's C-SPAN." –Craig Ferguson
"They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry – that's an interesting category – went to John Boehner and Barack Obama." –David Letterman
"Nobody's happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn't doing anything." –Jay Leno
"This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: 'You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don't care.'" –Jay Leno
"According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here's the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn't shut down, but ours has." –Jay Leno "Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don't have any geniuses." –Jay Leno
"Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that's nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government." –Jay Leno
"The Secret Service is asking people on Twitter to report any suspicious tweets. So now if your boss catches you on Twitter, just tell him you're protecting the country." –Conan O'Brien
"The makers of drones want the media to stop calling their unmanned aircrafts 'drones.' They don't like the name drones. The manufacturers said, we prefer the term 'surprise visitor.'" –Conan O'Brien
"U.S. embassies are closed all around the Middle East this week due to a terrorist threat. What happened was the U.S. intercepted a conference call of 20 Al Qaeda operatives. Twenty on one conference call! Who is their carrier? I go under a bridge and my cellphone drops the call, but they can get 20 people in one call from a cave?" –Jay Leno
"I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons Al Qaeda is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn't have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid." –Jay Leno
"Some park rangers in California found a plot on which someone grew 500,000 pounds of marijuana. They assume this pot was grown by humans, but I wouldn't rule out bears. Think about it: They sleep three months a year, all you ever see them doing is rummaging through the trash trying to find food, and their leader's name is Smokey." –Jimmy Kimmel
"A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that's an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot." –Conan O'Brien
"Michelle Obama's new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She hopes it goes better than the previous initiative – fighting marijuana use through reggae." –Conan O'Brien
"As part of her anti-obesity campaign, First Lady Michelle Obama is releasing a hip hop album. The name of the album is Fat Beats for Fat Kids.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The state attorney general of New York is suing Donald Trump for $40 million, claiming that Donald Trump University is not a real university. The state claims it's not a real college because students get very little education and were unable to find jobs after they graduated. Sounds like a real college to me." –Jay Leno
"I guess the attorney general got suspicious it wasn't a real college when Donald took the senior class on a field trip to try and find President Obama's birth certificate." –Jay Leno
"Donald Trump and Trump University have been sued by the New York attorney general for running an unlicensed university. They said 'It's illegal. Your university is just like that thing on your head. They're both unlicensed.'" –David Letterman
"Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you're at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger." –David Letterman
"The new iPhone is coming soon. The new iPhone is going to have a new feature that actually keeps track of your every movement. Then President Obama was like, 'Right. NEW feature.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"In North Korea, they developed the first-ever smartphone, just like an iPhone. But if you ask Siri any questions, she reports you to the police." –Jimmy Kimmel
"It is widely believed these phones were secretly built in China and shipped to North Korea. It's hard to believe they built a smartphone, because wi-fi and cellphone data plans are illegal there. You can't even have friends and family in North Korea" –Jimmy Kimmel.
"North Korea has announced that it's developing its own smartphone. Unfortunately, the phones are so smart, they've already escaped from North Korea." –Conan O'Brien
"Sixty-two percent of New Yorkers say they are embarrassed by the sex scandals of Anthony Weiner. Weiner said, 'Let me know when that number reaches 69.'" –Conan O'Brien
"According to a new poll, over 50 percent of New Yorkers say they won't vote for Anthony Weiner no matter what. The other 50 percent say they're going to wait until they see all the other candidates' [privates]. It's called comparison shopping." –Conan O'Brien
"Last night Anthony Weiner was at a forum for all the candidates for mayor, and he actually got booed by the crowd. Which got even worse when Weiner was like, 'Boobs, where?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner got in a car wreck over the weekend – not to be confused with his campaign. That's a train wreck. And today he tweeted the insurance company the wrong photo." –David Letterman
"So New York City comptroller candidate Eliot Spitzer says if he wins, he will work for only $1 a year. Which is pretty smart, because at that rate, he won't be able to afford another $5,000 an hour hooker until the year 7013." –Jay Leno
"Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the 'Hypocritic Oath.'" –Jay Leno
"According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job." –Conan O'Brien
"The treasury secretary has now asked Congress to raise the debt limit for borrowing more money as soon as possible. The secretary of the treasury said if Congress doesn't act soon, the government will have to work with only the money it has now. You know, like the rest of us do." –Jay Leno
"Seven women have come forward to say they've been sexually harassed by San Diego Mayor Bob Filner. The mayor has agreed to intensive rehab therapy. They say it's a 12-step program. Here's a simple 12-step program: Just stay 12 steps away from all women. " –Jay Leno
"Illegal border crossings in California are way down this month, especially in San Diego. It's because people are scared they might get groped by the mayor if they come across." –Jay Leno
"Mayor Filner now wants the city of San Diego to pay for his sexual harassment lawsuit. He says it's only fair because he harassed women only on government time, never his own time." –Jay Leno
"In what has to be the most outrageous defense ever – this is real – Filner's lawyer said if there's any liability, it's the city liable for failing to give the mayor sexual harassment training. Oh, come on now. Just shut up!" –Jay Leno
"I don't know if I believe this or not, but there's this new study that says a wedding is actually the best place to meet someone. Then Anthony Weiner said, 'It's true. At my wedding I got like five or six phone numbers.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"A new poll came out and says that most Democrats think Anthony Weiner has basically lost his mind. Weiner said, 'The important thing is I haven't lost my phone.'" –Conan O'Brien "Anthony Weiner has vowed to continue to fight. He said he is staying in the race because he cares deeply about the people of New York — except for the one he is married to." –Jimmy Kimmel
"More problems for Mr. Weiner. It seems the 22-year-old woman he was sexting with, Sydney Leathers, is now here in Los Angeles to meet with LA's biggest porn producer. They want her to make a porn movie with an Anthony Weiner lookalike. A lookalike? Why not just use Anthony Weiner? He's gonna need a job. We've seen his promo package." –Jay Leno
"A Russian official announced that gay athletes attending the 2014 Olympics there will be arrested. This is good news for the world's three straight male figure skaters. Just show up, get a medal, you're done. No competition. " –Conan O'Brien
"The Pope is back from Rio. He said he would not judge gays. His exact words were, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first musical.'" –David Letterman
"The big 'Smurfs' movie sequel is out. It's cute little elves that live together in harmony. And the Pope said, 'Who am I to judge them?'" –David Letterman
"Sunday, on his way home from Brazil, Pope Francis said it was not his job to judge gays. He said that's what the Tony Awards are for." –Jay Leno
"The latest scandal for Weiner is that his communications director called a former intern a 'slut bag .' But Weiner says he won't fire the communications director and vows to stand beside her. And she was like, 'How about we just stand side by side?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"More problems for America's creepiest mayor, San Diego's Bob Filner. An eighth woman has now come forward to say that she was sexually harassed by him. She said she would've come forward sooner but the line was too long." –Jay Leno
"At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan's smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in 3rd place in the New York city mayoral race." –Conan O'Brien
"It seems an audio sex tape that Monica Lewinksy recorded for Bill Clinton at the height of their affair back in the 1990s has now been leaked to the National Enquirer. With all these scandals involving Anthony Weiner and San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, it's nice to see an old pro come out of retirement and show these guys how it's done." –Jay Leno
"Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he will not run for governor for a fourth term, though he hasn't ruled out running for president again. The voters have, he just hasn't." -Jay Leno
"Republicans are already trying to paint Hillary Clinton as too old to be president. In fact, a new ad claims she's so old that she could be a Republican." –Conan O'Brien
"Political experts are saying Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they'd definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still." –Jimmy Fallon
"That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito." –Bill Maher
"Great news for NSA leaker Edward Snowden. He's just been named Cinnabon Customer of the Month in the Moscow Airport." –David Letterman
"NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has been offered asylum in Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia. Or as Snowden put it, 'Prison it is!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Eliot Spitzer resigned from the governor's office five years ago after he was crushed by a pile of prostitutes or something. But now he's back and what makes this news especially interesting is that one of his opponents, a woman named Kristin Davis, is the madam who supplied him with call girls. It's the classics story of boy meets girl, boy pays for sex with girl, boy resigns in disgrace, and then boy runs against girl he paid for other girls for the office of comptroller. In Africa, they call it Hooker Matata." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer announced he is running for New York City comptroller, and one of his opponents is the madam who supplied him with hookers. There's a tough choice for the voters. One is involved in the most degrading profession of all time, and the other ran a whore house." –Jay Leno
"Despite his prostitution scandal several years ago, Eliot Spitzer is running for comptroller of New York. He's paying someone $800 a day to collect signatures to put hi on the ballot. He said it's the second best $800 he's ever spent." –Conan O'Brien
"With Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer running for political office, New York City is changing its nickname to "The City That Never Sleeps With Its Wife." –Conan O'Brien
"It turns out the Pakistan police pulled Osama bin Laden over for speeding. Pulled him over and wrote the guy a ticket. So listen. I don't want to hear any more of this nonsense about Pakistan being lenient on Osama bin Laden, OK?" –David Letterman
"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman
"According to a report from Pakistan, Osama bin Laden wore a big cowboy hat when he walked around his compound to shield him from being seen by U.S. drones. That's a good strategy. The Lone Ranger wears a cowboy hat, and nobody has seen him anywhere." –Jay Leno
"Pakistan now says Osama bin Laden was able to be avoided by wearing a cowboy hat. A Pakistani authority said, 'I guess he just got lost in a sea of other Muslims wearing a cowboy hat.'" –Conan O'Brien
"The United States is no longer the fattest country in the world. Please help us, Paula Deen. We're no longer the fattest country in the world. That's why they're bringing back Twinkies. The fattest people in the world now are Mexicans. And that's, of course, because they're all living here." –David Letterman
"A new report found that Mexico has passed the U.S. as the most obese country in the world. It doesn't mean we got skinnier. It just means they're fatter than we are. But don't worry – Twinkies are coming back next week, so we should be fine." –Jimmy Fallon
"Mexico has replaced the U.S. as the world's fattest nation. The U.S. is now number two. The Mexican government has done a lot of research. It turns out their people eat way too much Mexican food." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama told a group of kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, 'Is Michelle gone? Cool, it's actually Skittles.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"According to the polls, Anthony Weiner is the favorite to become the next mayor of New York City. How many of you have seen the Weiner poll? Anthony Weiner is out front. Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place?" -David Letterman
"It'll be a long campaign." -David Letterman
"All the guy has to do is stick it out." -David Letterman
"I hope the guy doesn't get cocky." -David Letterman
"Weiner has a firm lead and his popularity is swelling." –David Letterman
"The Supreme Court has overturned the Defense of Marriage Act. How about that? We don't need a Defense of Marriage Act. What we need in this country is a marriage cap. You're allowed three, and after that, you're done." –Jay Leno
"Until this morning, marriage in the united states was defined as a contract between one man, one woman and the producers of The Bachelor." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Same-sex married couples are now entitled to the same benefits as other married couples. That's great news for the Lone Ranger and Tonto, Batman and Robin, Abercrombie and Fitch, Ben and Jerry, me and Paul." –David Letterman
"If DOMA is unconstitutional that means the Constitution is gay. Of course, no real shocker. It was written by a bunch of dudes in wigs in the City of Brotherly Love, and it calls for a legislature that's n institution that bicameral. It's a bit curious. Plus, look at that aged parchment and fancy calligraphy. It looks like a gay wedding invitation." –Stephen Colbert
"The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it's spying on you." –Jay Leno "What a bad week for the stock market. Yesterday was so bad the numbers looked worse than a Paula Deen talk show on the BET network." –Jay Leno "Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin's pocket. That is how bad it was." –Jay Leno
"President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he's sweating a lot more during his second term." –Jay Leno
"In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss." –Jay Leno
"At the Berlin Wall, Obama said no wall can stand against the people's yearning for freedom that burns in our heart – except for the one we're going to build on the Mexican border." –Bill Maher "Over in the Senate, they found a way to get Republicans on board with immigration reform. They're going to militarize the border. They're going to build a border surge. … Sounds like something you eat at Taco Bell. Or something that happens after you eat at Taco Bell." –Bill Maher "We're going to build 7,000 miles of new fencing and add 20,000 more – in addition to the 20,000 we have – border agents, enough to put one every 250 feet. They said if this does not keep Arnold Schwarzenegger from impregnating the help, nothing will." –Bill Maher "I kid the Republicans, but whether it is border security or gun rights or gay issues, they always have the same fear -- someone coming in the back door." –Bill Maher
"President Obama was in Germany today and made a historic speech. The reason Obama is in Germany is to promote democracy and to rescue Justin Bieber's monkey." –David Letterman
"Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This, ladies and gentlemen, from the country that gave us the Gestapo." –David Letterman "President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven't seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact." –Craig Ferguson
"Bad day on Wall Street – the stock market dropped over 350 points today. See, I knew Obama shouldn't have come back home. I knew this was going to happen." –Jay Leno
"Superman is played by Henry Cavil, who is British. I'm not sure why all our iconic American figures are being played by foreigners. We've got a Superman from Britain, a Batman from Britain, a Spider-Man from Britain, and a president from Kenya." –Craig Ferguson
"President Obama is traveling to Africa later this month, and it's got some people upset because the trip is expected to cost taxpayers more than 60 million dollars. It's mostly for security, hotel accommodations – plus Biden wants a giraffe." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia's nuclear arsenal. But it's not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends." –Craig Ferguson
"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the guy who made 'Death to America' a popular slogan. Now his successor, a moderate guy named Rohani, doesn't believe in death to America. He believes in lingering illness to America." –David Letterman
"This spying scandal at the White House isn't going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them." –Jimmy Fallon "This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone." –Jimmy Fallon
"Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can't find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating." –David Letterman
"Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally." –Jay Leno
"Yesterday the FBI admitted they do use drones on U.S. soil for domestic surveillance. The FBI's Robert Mueller told Congress that he does sometimes use drones, but he said the good news is that these drones are made in America, by Americans, to spy on Americans." –Jay Leno
"President Obama's approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in more than a year and a half. But Obama is vowing to find out whose approval he's lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back." –Jay Leno "The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn't made a phone call since 1975." –Jay Leno "Iran has elected a new president named Hassan Rohani. Rohani has promised to improve Iran's economy and fix the unemployment problem. If that doesn't work, he's going to blame the whole thing on President Bush." –Jay Leno
"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?" –David Letterman "Hillary Clinton finally joined Twitter yesterday and racked up more than 200,000 followers in only five hours. Yeah, they were like, 'Hillary in 2016!' and 'Washington needs Hillary!' and 'Hillary for the White House!' That's not her followers. Those were her tweets." –Jimmy Fallon
"Hillary Clinton sent her first tweet yesterday. Or as one guy put it, 'How do you block people on this thing?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them." –Conan O'Brien
"I don't know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in." –David Letterman
"Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read." –Conan O'Brien
"The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He's also a moron." –Jay Leno
"This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China." –David Letterman
"Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans' phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he's hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, 'I don't want to be punished by the government – so I guess I'll go to China.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works." –Jay Leno
"Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.'" –Jay Leno
"You know your phone is being tapped when you're having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing." –David Letterman
"Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to." –The Daily Show's John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal
"This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, 'You first.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It's a great story: When Superman's dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration." –Jay Leno
"The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?" –Jay Leno "The IRS has taken some heat for reportedly spending $4 million on a conference in Anaheim last year, where employees took dancing lessons. One of the dances they learned? Tap dancing around the issues." –Jay Leno "If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don't you do that?" –Jay Leno "President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, 'Why, so you can read our emails faster?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, 'The friends and family and Obama plan.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, 'rough week, huh?'" –Craig Ferguson
"A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza." –Jay Leno
"A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening because today they told young people everywhere to 'be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.'" –Conan O'Brien "Mayor Bloomberg now says he's outlawing sugary drinks. Look at this way: crime, meth labs, collapsing buildings – all not a problem. Sugary drinks? you are going to prison. You're going to do hard time." –David Letterman
"This week President Obama is going to be engaged in high-level talks with the president of China. Yes, President Obama's message to China is going to be, 'I swear we'll have the money for you by Tuesday.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Actor Steven Seagal is now in Russia. He is meeting with Vladimir Putin. Is this what American foreign policy has come down to? Dennis Rodman is in North Korea. Steven Seagal is in Russia. What's next? Are we air dropping Gary Busey into Syria? Maybe Snooki goes to Iraq?" –Jay Leno
"The mystery is over. After a month of waiting, it turns out that an 84-year-old woman in Florida has won the $590 million Powerball lottery. As for how much tax she's going to have to pay, the IRS said it's too early to tell because they don't know whether she's a Republican or Democrat." –Jay Leno "The IRS spent $4 million on a conference in Anaheim that included luxury hotel suites, passes to theme parks, and tickets to sporting events. They say they're not sure of the exact amount they spent because they didn't keep any receipts. I think Wesley Snipes is saying, 'Hey, what about me? I didn't have my receipts.'" –Jay Leno
"More problems for the IRS. Isn't that the feel-good story of the year? They wasted $50 million over a two-year period on conferences and retreats for employees. They even spent $11,000 on a happiness expert. I have an idea how to make them happier. How about stopping making everybody else's life miserable? Start with that!" –Jay Leno "IRS executive Lois Lerner has refused to quit and will collect her full pay and benefits while on administrative leave. They asked her to resign. She refused to go. Where in the real world does that ever happen? You get fired and you tell your boss, 'I'm going to stay, and I want my money.' And you wonder why we're $16 trillion in debt." –Jay Leno
"Casual Friday today in the Obama White House. Which means they're casually going through everyone's phone records." –Jay Leno
"A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRS and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this." –Jay Leno
"Time magazine found a picture of President Obama at his high school prom back in 1979. Let me tell you how long ago that was. Back then, Obama had to ask a girl for her phone number. He couldn't illegally obtain it through the Justice Department." –Jay Leno
"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today, his teleprompter took the fifth. In fact, the White House has changed their slogan from, 'Yes, we can' to 'No, I can't remember.'" –Jay Leno
"Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City and he had to change his campaign website yesterday because it accidentally showed a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline instead of Manhattan. Or as Weiner calls it, 'an embarrassing photo I can live with.'" –Jimmy Fallon "Anthony Weiner accidentally used a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline on his website instead of Manhattan. And that's not all, it doesn't stop there. Remember those pictures he tweeted of his penis? It wasn't his. It was Brett Favre's." –Jay Leno
Jimmy Fallon impersonating Anthony Weiner: "Hello, I'm Anthony Weiner, and I'm running for mayor of New York City. This is the greatest city on earth. But for the middle class, things just keep getting harder and harder and harder and harder. Look, we're in a pickle. A big pickle. Crime is up. Unemployment is rising. Schools are failing, and that's just the tip. I know I've made mistakes in the past, but I've grown since then. I've grown a lot. If you don't believe me, look at my latest poll. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not crooked. Trust me. Listen, New York, do you really want to roll the dice on this city's future? I sure don't. What I'm trying to say is, I know this race will be long and hard, but all you other candidates better watch out. I may be behind you, but I'm coming. That's why I'm asking you to pull my lever on erection day. I'm Anthony Weiner, and I paid for this massage."
"Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness." –Conan O'Brien
"It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants – that's OK?" –Jimmy Kimmel
"During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener." –Conan O'Brien
"Vice President Joe Biden met with two undocumented immigrants this week to promote the new immigration bill. When they learned they had to sit down with Biden, they went ahead and deported themselves." –Jimmy Fallon
"Everything's going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama's trying to turn things around. He's sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber's monkey." –David Letterman "And if SEAL Team 6 doesn't work, he's sending in Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman
"We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other." –Jimmy Kimmel "The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck." –Jimmy Kimmel "In November, Colorado passed an amendment that legalized the recreational use of marijuana. It's resulted in a surge of 'pot tourism.' People come for the weekend to smoke pot and the next thing they know, it's 30 years later they're still there working in a carbon-neutral coffee shop." –Jimmy Kimmel "A new study estimates that Colorado residents will legally smoke more than 2 million ounces of marijuana next year. That's like a reggae festival and Willie Nelson's birthday combined." –Jimmy Kimmel
"These scandals at the White House are just getting worse. It turns out that President Obama's chief of staff knew about the scandal at the IRS three weeks before the president found out. Obama was like, 'Anything else you guys aren't telling me?' And Joe Biden was like, 'Uh . . . I broke the copier.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"I feel bad for Barack Obama. He's got the Benghazi scandal, the IRS scandal, and the FBI wiretapping phones. The president is in so much trouble politically, he's thinking about killing bin Laden again." –David Letterman
"Michelle Obama gave a commencement at a high school in Nashville. The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News." –Jay Leno "A lot of people are criticizing President Obama, including Michelle Obama. She recently said she could take a whole afternoon and talk about Barack's failures. She was immediately hired by Fox News." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama this week denied that he knew about the inspector general's report detailing the IRS's increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America, there's just a bunch of stuff happening that the president doesn't know about." –Seth Meyers
"A new report just came out. It says someone close to the president knew about the IRS scandal and kept his mouth shut. In other words, we can rule out Joe Biden." –Conan O'Brien
"During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama said there is a shortage of common sense right now in Washington. At which point the people who paid $5,000 a plate for their dinner applauded in agreement." –Jimmy Fallon "The White House admitted President Obama's chief of staff had advance warning that the IRS was targeting conservative groups. President Obama says the first time he heard about the IRS and AP scandals was from the media. See, that's why President Obama holds press conferences. It's not to explain what's going on. It's to find out what's going on." –Jay Leno
"Last night at midnight, former Congressman Anthony Weiner officially announced in an online video that he is running for mayor of New York. Nothing says 'I put my sleazy past behind me' like showing a video on the Internet at midnight." –Conan O'Brien "Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. He posted a video announcing it just after midnight – and being online in the middle of the night has always worked so well for Mr. Weiner." –Jay Leno
"Today the White House released 99 pages of emails on trouble in Benghazi – and one shirtless tweet from Anthony Weiner." –David Letterman "Weiner said about New York, 'Nobody will work harder to make it better.' As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was 'Nobody will work better to make it harder.'" –Jay Leno
"It has not been a good week for President Obama. You've got Benghazi, the IRS scandal, this AP records scandal, and, worst of all, his Chicago Bulls got eliminated by the Miami Heat. Do you know what that means? LeBron James is going to get audited by the IRS." –Jay Leno
"Eagles' offensive lineman Evan Mathis posted a picture on Instagram that shows him relieving himself on an IRS building with a caption that says, 'Audit this!' Or as the IRS said, 'OK, see you tomorrow at noon.'" –Jimmy Fallon "The IRS has a new boss after it came out they unfairly targeted tea party groups. The president says the new IRS chief is not only good with numbers, but he has more integrity than the last guy. It's Bernie Madoff." –Craig Ferguson
"IRS: No one needs to avoid scandals more than you. You're less popular with Americans than exercise." –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Have you folks been paying attention to what's going on in Washington? In a matter of six weeks we have three big scandals, and it looks like President Obama and all his buddies in the White House may go to prison. Finally, some good news for the Romney campaign." –David Letterman "People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." –David Letterman "They see Benghazi as a real powder keg. This scandal, they believe, may go as high as Dennis Rodman." –David Letterman "Here's the problem. When you get scandals in Washington – like the IRS, Benghazi, and the FBI – it really gets in the way of not getting things done. If they don't fix these crises pretty soon, honest to God, it could bring gridlock to a screeching halt." –David Letterman
"This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn't like. Thank God those days are gone forever." –Jay Leno "A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon's unemployment rate was only 5 percent." –Jay Leno "This whole IRS thing has become a huge story. They apparently were targeting conservative groups like the tea party. You know it's bad when President Obama says, 'Hey, why don't we talk about Benghazi?" –Jay Leno ' "The National Aquarium in Washington is going to close. But don't worry. If you're in D.C. and you still want to smell something fishy, stop by the White House. They've gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Changing the story until you believe it.'" –Jay Leno
"President Obama is not having a good week. With three scandals shaking the White House, they're saying this is one of the worst weeks of Obama's presidency. Obama was like, 'How could things get worse?' And Joe Biden was like, 'You rang?'" –Jimmy Fallon "In a new interview, Joe Biden says he spends four or five hours every day with President Obama. In response, Obama said hiring that Obama impersonator was the best decision I've ever made." –Conan O'Brien
"Since President Obama took office, the Democratic Party has lost nine governorships, 56 members of Congress, and two Senate seats. In his defense, Obama said, 'Well, I did promise change.'" –Conan O'Brien "China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. I don't have a joke here. I'd just like to give a round of applause to whatever genius has been selling trash to China." –Conan O'Brien
"First it was Benghazi, then the IRS scandal, and now this phone records scandal. Remember the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days?" –Jay Leno
"I love what IRS commissioner Steve Miller said today about this whole targeting conservative groups thing. He said, 'Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation.' Yeah, 'Mistakes were made' – try saying THAT during your next IRS audit." –Jay Leno "It was just revealed that the Department of Justice secretly recorded the phone calls of AP journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the incident will be immediately investigated – by the Department of Justice." –Jimmy Fallon
"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. The IRS ratting out people it doesn't like. Benghazi, number two. And they say Obama has been phone tapping the AP. So three big scandals. Here's what I prefer: Weiner and Spitzer. Now those are scandals my writers can really work with." –David Letterman
"Well, congratulations, President Barack Obama, Conspiracy theorists who generally can survive in anaerobic environments have just had an algae bloom dropped on their fucking heads, thus removing the last arrow in your pro-governance quiver: skepticism about your opponents." –Jon Stewart on the IRS scandal
"Folks this proves that everything I've ever said about Obama is true. It's official. He's a secret Muslim, shape-shifting alien from Kenya who is coming for our guns. And Bo is a member of the Illuminati." –Stephen Colbert on the IRS scandal
"The IRS has now admitted that they targeted conservative groups for extra scrutiny. That's why Mitt Romney wanted to be president so bad — to keep the IRS off his back." –Jay Leno
Conan O'Brien: "According to a new poll, Americans trust Judge Judy more than they trust Supreme Court justices. She won her trust after her landmark decision in the case of Drunk Lady vs. Other Drunk Lady."
Jay Leno: "New predictions claim that 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop it is for government to step in. Oh, yeah, that will work. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, who knows better than the U.S. government?"
David Letterman: "The stock market is at an all-time high. People at home are saying, 'Well, that would be great if I had a job.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea."
"In South Carolina, former Governor Mark Sanford won a congressional seat after dragging around and debating a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi. Then someone explained that was Nancy Pelosi." –Conan O'Brien
"What can I say? The voters of South Carolina have spoken. Mark Sanford beat my sister, and I believe that means Mark Sanford is now my sister. And on behalf of my entire family, I want to say we're deeply sorry about him." –Stephen Colbert
"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno
"Today Sanford said his first order of business was improving relations with South America." –Jay Leno
"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie revealed that he underwent a surgery that restricts the amount of food he can consume. As a result, 12 animals have been removed from the endangered species list." –Conan O'Brien
"Chris Christie revealed he had lap-band surgery in February. President Obama wished him well. In fact, Obama is now thinking about having Joe Biden's mouth stapled." –Jay Leno
"Lap-band surgery is said to be slower than other procedures. Typically, patients lose one to two pounds a week. Which means the governor could be down to a healthy weight in about 100 years." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Governor Christie is now saying that his decision had nothing to do with 2016, which by the way is his cholesterol." –David Letterman
"Yesterday President Obama warned Congress not to delay the immigration reform bill. You can tell he's getting tough because if they keep delaying the bill, he says he might even warn them again." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama is in Mexico. He'll be on hand to celebrate Mexico's economic successes over the last few years. See, that's how it works now. If President Obama wants to celebrate an economic success, he actually has to leave the country." –Jay Leno "That's right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they're just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn't know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence." –Jay Leno
Conan O'Brien: "Tickets to President Obama's inauguration have sold out. At least that's what the President is telling Joe Biden."
Jimmy Fallon: "The President's team is promising special perks for donors who give at least a million dollars to the inauguration. Which is cool, but you know what else can get you a lot of perks? Keeping that million dollars."
David Letterman: "We're $20 trillion in debt, so somebody at the Treasury department says that what we'll do is print a coin for a trillion dollars. I've seen a prototype. It has a beautiful profile of Regis Philbin."
Stephen Colbert: "What do you put on a trillion-dollar coin? I'll tell what you it should be, those Charmin bears -– because when you pull an idea like this out of your ass, you're going to need something soft."
Jimmy Fallon: "Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, 'Well, that's enough work for the year.'"
Jay Leno: "This week Congress approved some version of the fiscal tax bill, which raises taxes on rich Americans. President Obama was determined to do this right away –- while there are still some rich Americans left."
David Letterman: "Al-Jazeera has purchased Al Gore's old TV network, Current TV. And listen to this: $500 million. This is a little something Al Gore has come up with called 'global fleecing.'"
Jay Leno: "The National Journal says Joe Biden may be the most influential vice president in history. Is that really a compliment? Isn't that like being the tallest hobbit?"
Jay Leno: "A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody."
David Letterman: "Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they would open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "I do most of my holiday shopping online. But I hire someone to honk and scream obscenities at me while I'm doing it so I get the whole holiday shopping experience."
Jimmy Fallon: "Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper signed an amendment that officially legalized marijuana in the state. Stoners took a moment to thank Governor Hickenlooper — then they spent a few hours just saying the word 'Hickenlooper.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. You can tell the Pentagon is scaling back because today it became 'the Triangle.'"
Jay Leno: "The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap."
Conan O'Brien: "The governor of Arizona punched a reporter who asked her about global warming. Afterwards she apologized. She said, 'Sorry, I'm a little touchy because it's almost Christmas and it's 135 degrees outside."
David Letterman: "Because of climate change, Frosty the Snowman has a new name. Now he's called 'Frosty the Puddle.'"
Jay Leno: "Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored him by giving him his own Indian name: 'Running Deficit.'"
Conan O'Brien: "A record number of people are naming their babies after Apple products. It's the perfect way to tell your newborn, 'We're planning to replace you in six months.'"
David Letterman: "Mitt Romney is going back to work. He got a job at a Marriott. When you're at the front desk arguing over your mini-bar bill, Mitt will be the guy that comes out from the back and says, 'I understand there's some trouble?'"
Jimmy Fallon: "McDonald's announced that it's bringing back the McRib later this month. Or as the Mayans put it, 'Hey, we tried to warn you.'"
Jay Leno: "Are you sick and tired of hearing the term 'fiscal cliff'? People don't understand it. It doesn't tell you how serious the situation is. They need more colorful metaphors. Here's how to explain it: 'It's 4 a.m. for our economy and Lindsay Lohan is behind the wheel.'"
David Letterman: "I'm worried about the fiscal cliff in the same way I'm worried about Martians. Every now and then I look for them, but I don't know what I'll do when I see them."
Conan O'Brien: "A new study says the average American now weighs 176 pounds. May not sound too bad to you. But the study was conducted at elementary schools."
Jimmy Fallon: "Today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby's a member of the royal family, because Kate said she can already feel it waving."
Jay Leno: "We're headed for a fiscal cliff and President Obama is in a tough spot. Because the Democrats did so well on election day, he's running out of Republicans he can blame this on."
Jimmy Fallon: "NASA says the Mars rover has made a major discovery. Scientists hope it found signs of life there. Americans are just hoping it found some Twinkies."
Stephen Colbert: "A decorated war hero has an affair with his biographer, who thinks he's stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an e-mail from a secret account saying, 'Step off.' And the second woman freaks out and contacts her friend, an FBI agent, who launches an investigation but gets pulled off the case because he sexted her a shirtless photo. The war hero's protégé, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon."
Jimmy Fallon: "Facebook and the Department of Labor have teamed up for a new app that displays job openings. It'll be weird when people find a job because of Facebook, then get fired from that job for using Facebook, then use Facebook to find another job."
Jay Leno: "There are reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death."
Jay Leno: "This whole Petraeus scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Colorado and Washington just legalized marijuana. If Hostess can't figure out a way to make money off of that, then maybe they shouldn't be in the snack cake industry."
Jay Leno: "A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car."
David Letterman: "According to a study, there are three areas where humans now are getting dumber: High school kids. Retirees. And another group of dumb people? Four-star generals."
Jimmy Fallon: "It turns out that Democrats are actually considering Mitt Romney's tax plan as a way to avoid the fiscal cliff. Three weeks ago, Obama was like, 'Mitt Romney has terrible ideas!' And now he's like, 'Hey, you gonna finish those ideas?'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Another big storm could hit the Northeast by Wednesday, preventing millions from visiting relatives for Thanksgiving. But there's also a downside."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The election has been over for a week, and already there's a new survey that says Hillary Clinton is favored to win the Iowa caucuses in 2016. You'd think they could have at least waited until we peeled the 'I voted' stickers off our jackets."
David Letterman: "James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?"
Jay Leno: "Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a 'fiscal cliff.' The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was 'Forward.'"
Seth Meyers: "According to poll data, President Obama's victory was due largely to his popularity with both college students and the unemployed. So basically, Obama became President the same way Budweiser became the King of Beers."
David Letterman: "I knew Obama was going to win. I know this little secret. Use it next time there is an election and see if it doesn't work out: The guy who wins the presidential election is usually the guy who kills bin Laden." Jay Leno: "Madonna urged her audience to vote for President Obama. You know what' s unbelievable? Madonna has been right in every election since Calvin Coolidge." Jimmy Fallon: "On Tuesday, Colorado became the first state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. They just renamed their NBA team the Denver McNuggets." Conan O'Brien: "Last week, Maine and Maryland approved gay marriage. And Delaware confessed to being bi-curious."
Bill Maher: "They're saying this could be the worst storm ever. What's happening is a cold front from Canada and low pressure from the hurricane are colliding with the hot air from Donald Trump."
Bill Maher: "Today Mitt Romney advised that men should head for the shelters and women should remain in their binders."
David Letterman: "Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."
Jay Leno: "President Obama is getting some criticism for calling Mitt Romney a B.S.'er. I don't think that means 'big spender.'"
David Letterman: "On Monday night the debate was all about the undecideds, but here's what happened. The undecideds decided not to watch."
Jay Leno: "I have to admit, I was one of those undecideds. I couldn't decide whether to watch the baseball game or the football game."
Jay Leno: "One of President Obama's winning points in the debate was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama."
Jay Leno: "Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. Those states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety."
Jimmy Fallon: "Donald Trump said he has a 'very big' announcement about President Obama that could cost him the election. Yeah, he's going to endorse him."
David Letterman: "The latest polls among registered voters show 6% are undecided. Pick one, come on! These are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples."
Jay Leno: "So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30% higher than sales of Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy?"
Seth Meyers: "Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states, Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or as the candidates are now calling them, 'Colorado, Florida y Nevada.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "A CNN poll said that 46% of viewers who watched the second presidential debate thought Obama won and 39% thought Mitt Romney won. So it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Romney said that when he was filling cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women.' Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them."
Craig Ferguson: "Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet."
Conan O'Brien: "After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president."
Jay Leno: "The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change?'"
Jay Leno: "Can you believe it's only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?"
Jimmy Fallon: "The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, 'That's too many locations, man.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe -– well, you're probably one of them."
Jay Leno: "They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn't tune in was President Obama."
Stephen Colbert: "It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The only thing that could have salvaged the President's performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage."
David Letterman: "Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the President got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met."
Jay Leno: "Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Romney is like Tebow — almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama's like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now." Jay Leno: "I understand they had 'fact checkers' standing by — just in case either candidate happened to say something factual."
Jay Leno: "There's been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven't seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud."
Jay Leno: "Did you watch the debate? How many wish it was like the NFL and they could just bring in replacement candidates?"
David Letterman: "I love the presidential debates. At my house, what we do each night before they begin is we put out a plate of milk and cookies for Jim Lehrer."
Jimmy Fallon: "I heard that the Obama campaign was a little worried because during his flight to Nevada on Sunday the President watched four hours of football instead of studying — although it did mark the first time all year that Obama has actually seen something get passed."
Conan O' Brien: "For the next debate, President Obama's advisers are working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the President plans on saying are 'bin Laden' and 'dead.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "With the first presidential debate scheduled for tonight, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They're asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, 'Way ahead of you. Don't worry about that.'"
David Letterman: "These debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband."
Craig Ferguson: "Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold says in the book that cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw 'Jingle All the Way.'"
Jay Leno: "Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to '60 Minutes' last night. He said you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own."
Jay Leno: "A woman in Tampa, Fla., who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey, lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?"
Jimmy Fallon: "Romney's campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn't earned that win yet -- which is why the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway."
Seth Meyers: "Mitt Romney released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid a 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more."
Conan O'Brien: "At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent."
Jay Leno: "In an interview, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?"
Seth Meyers: "Obama joked that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President."
Jay Leno: "Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not 'presidential.' Vice presidential, sure. That's Joe Biden territory."
Stephen Colbert (on complaints that Romney is too vague about his plans): "What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters."
Conan O'Brien: "After being accused of being too vague, Mitt Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, 'Soon-ish.'"
Jay Leno: "Unemployment fell from 8.3% to 8.1% last month, but that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work."
Jay Leno: "I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Monday was the one-year anniversary of the Occupy Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever."
Jay Leno: "It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions."
Jay Leno: "In his convention speech, President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF."
Conan O'Brien: "Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote."
Craig Ferguson: "There was a big shakeup on 'American Idol.' There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it."
Jay Leno: "The Democratic Convention began Tuesday night. What a difference four years makes. Last time, the theme was 'Hope and change.' This year, the theme is 'Hope you don't make a change.'" Craig Ferguson: "Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech, except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience."
Jimmy Fallon: "The Democrats are going all out to make sure their convention tops last week's Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they're going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch."
David Letterman: "President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer. I wish somebody would release the recipe for fixing the economy."
Jay Leno: "It looks like Hurricane Isaac has delayed the Republican convention for one day. This is a big storm. In fact, Isaac has scared more senior citizens than Paul Ryan."
Jay Leno: "Some of the Republicans, I think, are overreacting to Hurricane Isaac. Like, today, Rick Santorum was seen gathering up two of every animal."
Jay Leno: "Herman Cain was in Tampa. When a reporter asked him if Isaac reminded him of Katrina, he said, 'I never even met the woman.'"
Jay Leno: "Last week, President Obama met with the White House press corps for only the second time this year. He said he would have met with them more, but he's been so busy campaigning, he didn't have time to write their questions."
Jay Leno: "Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin."
David Letterman: "Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century."
Jay Leno: "At a campaign stop in Virginia, Joe Biden said he is such a NASCAR fan, 'I'd trade being vice president in a heartbeat for winning Daytona.' To which President Obama said, 'Deal!'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Photos popped up on the Internet of what appears to be Prince Harry having a naked party in Las Vegas. This has caused quite a commotion in London. I just think it's refreshing to see a famous redhead drunk and stripping that isn't Lindsay Lohan for a change."
Jay Leno: Ever since it was announced that Sarah Palin will not be speaking at the Republican Convention, the Romney campaign has been flooded with thousands of texts and emails demanding that she be allowed to speak...all from President Obama."
Jay Leno: "Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year -- a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going."
Jay Leno: "According to a new poll, atheism is becoming more and more popular among Americans. God only knows why."
Jay Leno: "Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? A congressman."
Conan O' Brien: "This year's Olympics replaced the women's beach volleyball bikinis with uniforms that are less revealing. The stricter dress code was made to appease the conservative nation of 'Buzzkillistan.'"
Conan O'Brien: "An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming."
Conan O'Brien: "A former U.S. Olympic swimmer in an interview said that nearly all elite competitive swimmers pee in the pool regularly. So apparently I am an elite competitive swimmer."
Conan O'Brien: "The U.S. team swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets."
Bruce Babcock, Iowa State agricultural economics professor, reports the condition of the Iowa corn crop. Comedian Stephen Colbert quizzes Babcock on the implications of the drought.
Jimmy Fallon: "Last week, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama's health care law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote."
Jay Leno: "There's talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves "American Idol," they're going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable."
Jay Leno: "The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into the other week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all."
David Letterman: "The American League was defeated 8-0. The American League also lost the 2011 All-Star Game as well as the 2010 All-Star Game. Under President Obama, America's own league is on a losing streak! Mitt Romney will fix the American League and make it competitive again."
Jay Leno: "The Obamacare ruling makes Chief Justice John Roberts the first Republican to favor an insurance law with an individual mandate since, well, Mitt Romney."
Bill Maher: "The Tea Party is furious. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care."
Jay Leno: "The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started."
Bill Maher: "Mitt, pick me for your VP! I know it's out of the box, but look: we are complete opposites. Americans love that. It'll be like a buddy movie, where you're the uptight square and I'm Chris Tucker."
Jay Leno: "In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's health care mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it."
Craig Ferguson: "Now that health care is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat."
David Letterman: "Regis Philbin will be hosting the fourth hour of the 'Today' show with Kathie Lee Gifford. Of course, the Supreme Court has to rule whether it's constitutional."
Jimmy Fallon: "Last week in New Hampshire, President Obama said Americans need someone who will wake up every single day and fight for their jobs. Then he said, 'But until we find that guy, I'm still your best choice.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Obama called Romney a pioneer of outsourcing jobs. A spokesperson for Romney said, 'I dare him to come to India and say that to my face.'"
Craig Ferguson: "Scientists say that over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost 5 feet. President Obama could be affected too. Because if there's no more Hawaii, where would he pretend to be born?"
Jay Leno: "It was so hot, Attorney General Eric Holder was selling water guns to Mexican drug gangs."
Jimmy Fallon: "This week a woman in Florida got into trouble for groping a TSA agent while she was getting a pat-down. Or as the TSA put it, 'The student has become the master.'"
Jay Leno: "It was 100 degrees in New York City. It was so hot that Solyndra -- you know, the solar company? They actually made money."
Conan O'Brien: "The Supreme Court has decided not to fine broadcast networks for fleeting expletives or momentary nudity. It looks like 'Wheel of Fortune' is about to get a lot more interesting!"
Jimmy Fallon: "There was a big Twitter outage in the U.S. on Thursday. Or as people at work put it, 'Well, I guess I better get back to Facebook.'"
Jay Leno: "A House committee is recommending that Attorney General Eric Holder be cited for contempt of Congress. Now, don't confuse that with what you and I have. That's contempt for Congress."
Jimmy Fallon: "Today President Obama used his executive privilege to withhold documents about a weapons operation called 'Fast and Furious.' I don't know what's scarier: that we can't see those documents or that the government is naming operations after Vin Diesel movies."
Jay Leno: "John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. How does that make Kerry feel? 'Hey, John, we need a guy who is kind of stiff, out of touch, and a flip-flopper. Just be yourself.'"
Conan O'Brien: "The Obama campaign unveiled a new ad to target Hispanics. It's basically the President saying, "Yo soy el hombre who killed Osama bin Laden."
Jay Leno: "In Chicago, some protesters told reporters they're being paid by Democrats to chant anti-Romney slogans. Who says President Obama isn't creating any new jobs?"
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama just played his 100th round of golf since taking office. You could tell it was Obama, because he finished about 14 trillion over par."
David Letterman: "They say Obama played golf 100 times in his first administration, a four-year period. Donald Trump – always looking to make trouble – demanded to see Obama's scorecard."
Conan O'Brien: "Over the weekend, President Obama issued an order that allows some illegal immigrants to stay in the country. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama issues order allowing himself to stay in the country.'"
Jay Leno: "Obama is going to let certain illegal immigrants stay in this country. But there is an age requirement. You have to be old enough to vote by November."
Jay Leno: "There's a rumor going around that President Obama may legalize marijuana as an 'October surprise' to win the election. And if he doesn't win, at least he'll have a way to mellow out later."
Jimmy Fallon: "Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work."
Bill Maher: "Mitt Romney is on a bus tour through the Midwest. Do you know the difference between a Mitt Romney bus and a Mitt Romney car? The bus has a greyhound on the side."
Jimmy Fallon: "Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turned 66 years old today. He didn't want a big party, so he just invited a few close friends to comb over — I mean, come over."
Craig Ferguson: "Tonight was the premiere of a new version of the TV show 'Dallas.' The original "Dallas" series started in 1978. Back then, America was very different. We had an ineffective, one-term president. Gas prices were through the roof. We were in a stand-off with Iran. I'm glad those dark days are over."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama says he hopes the NBA Finals go to a Game 7. Of course, Obama should probably be focused on other matters, like hoping his presidency goes to a Term 2."
Jay Leno: "China is now preparing to send its first woman into outer space. Which at first seems like a feminist breakthrough until you realize she doesn't want to go."
Conan O'Brien: "Betty White visited President Obama at the White House. The first time Betty was at the White House, she stayed in the Lincoln Bedroom –- with Lincoln."
Jimmy Fallon: "Last weekend President Obama's daughter, Sasha, turned 11 years old. Sasha didn't ask Obama for a present — she's still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago."
Jay Leno: "Remember when Obama was campaigning? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Apparently, he just meant for renovations."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama's campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney's business record. Though Obama's made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial."
Jay Leno: "There was another drone attack ordered by the White House last night: They sent Joe Biden out to give a speech."
Jay Leno: "Scott Walker won his recall election. Who would have guessed the governor of Wisconsin would be a better closer than LeBron James?"
Jimmy Fallon: "It's being reported that Mitt Romney's personal Hotmail account has been hacked. Yeah, Hotmail. Even Ron Paul was like, 'Get with it, you old geezer!'"
Conan O'Brien: "Facebook may change its policy and allow kids under 13 to join. When they heard this, Chinese officials said, 'Great. Now our workers will never get anything done.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. It got awkward when he left and his housekeeper said, 'So, see you after the election?'"
Jay Leno: "Forget the Mayans. According to NASA, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years — or about the same time your 401k comes back."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Presidential primaries were held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico and South Dakota this week. Obama and Romney have already clinched their nominations. So Tuesday's primaries were mostly for people who really like stickers."
Jay Leno: "Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. Haven't we heard enough? How about a shut-up book?"
Jay Leno: "Unemployment is still looking pretty bad. In fact, the White House has a new slogan on job creation: 'Hope and change the subject.'"
Jay Leno: "President Obama gave the commencement speech at Barnard College the other day. He told graduates their future is bright unless they want jobs."
Conan O'Brien: "Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg got married a couple of days ago. At the wedding, his bride wore a dress that cost nearly $5,000. That is, until the dress went public. Now it's worth $2,000."
Jimmy Fallon: "While attending meetings in Chicago last week, President Obama stayed in a hotel instead of his own house. It was annoying, though: When he asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his latest poll numbers."
Jay Leno: "According to a new study, the average member of Congress can only speak at a tenth grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average tenth grader speaks at a third grade level."
Jay Leno: "On the first day of trading, Facebook shares rose less than expected. We were promised that Facebook would take off like a rocket. Apparently, it's a North Korean rocket."
Bill Maher: "Facebook went public and it is worth $104 billion. There has got to be a cheaper way to find out if your ex-girlfriend got fat."
Jimmy Fallon: "This week Mitt Romney started giving speeches while standing in front of a giant U.S. debt clock. When asked what it was like campaigning with a large electronic object, the debt clock was like, 'Not bad.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "According to a new report from NASA, at this very moment there are about 4,700 asteroids that are big enough and close enough to pose a threat to life on Earth. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the Earth."
Conan O'Brien: "Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us, all of our credit card numbers."
Jay Leno: "President Obama is calling for more government reform after JPMorgan's $2 billion loss. Really, is that what we need — the government stepping in? You know what's going to happen? The government's going to teach them how to lose $2 billion a DAY!"
David Letterman: "Ron Paul has announced he's no longer campaigning. He's dropped out of the race. Can you tell the difference?"
Jimmy Fallon: "I just read about a new 24-hour daycare that's opening in India. Yeah, it's pretty cute. Instead of playing Telephone, the kids just play Tech Support."
Jay Leno: "JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers."
David Letterman: "Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion. Then he found it in another pair of pants."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'"
David Letterman: "North Carolina has outlawed gay marriages, and today San Francisco outlawed straight marriages. What's going on?"
Jay Leno: "President Obama has come out in support of gay marriage. He said his position has been evolving for years. Miraculously, he saw the light just in time for tonight's big Hollywood fundraiser. What are the odds?"
Craig Ferguson: "I'm a little surprised how much everyone in show business wants a second term for Obama. An over-hyped sequel with a bloated budget — that's not the Hollywood I know."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage or evolution."
Conan O'Brien: "The White House admitted that Vice President Biden's endorsement of gay marriage forced Obama to come out in favor of it. So, in a related story, millions of Americans are trying to get Biden hooked on pot."
Conan O'Brien: "Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. When reached for comment, Santorum said, 'When I can't sleep, I try endorsing Mitt Romney for President and it puts me right out.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Apparently Santorum endorsed Romney via e-mail. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Santorum woke up this morning and said, 'I endorsed who?'"
Jay Leno: "New predictions out today claim 42% of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh, yeah. When it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?"
Jimmy Fallon: "After just one term in office, French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost his re-election bid because he was unable to fix his nation's economy. Or as Obama put it, 'Uh-oh.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The President's exact words were, 'I hope I won't have to change my address.'"
Jay Leno: "Obama was in Afghanistan last week as part of his big 'Did I Mention I killed bin Laden?' tour."
Jay Leno: "The President has his new re-election campaign slogan. It's just one word: Forward. Have you been watching this election? Can we press fast forward? Can we just get this thing over with?"
David Letterman: "Tuesday was Osama bin Laden Day. One year ago, they got hold of Osama bin Laden. Don't we usually celebrate on a Monday?"
Jay Leno: "German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline Al Qaeda's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot."
Craig Ferguson: "Rupert Murdoch got some bad news today. British lawmakers said Murdoch is unfit to run a company. But perfect to run a Hollywood studio, or Congress."
Jimmy Fallon: "Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people."
David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich said that next week he will announce that he is dropping out of the race. Isn't that already the announcement? If you say 'next week I'll announce I'm dropping out of the race,' what's the point of having the announcement next week?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "According to a new ABC poll, both Michelle Obama and Ann Romney are more popular than their husbands. At this point, so is asbestos."
Conan O'Brien: "Texas Governor Rick Perry endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Perry said he chose Romney because out of the one candidate left, he's the best."
Jay Leno: "Have you been watching this John Edwards trial? I don't know what kind of president John Edwards would have been, but I'm pretty sure he would have gotten along really well with the Secret Service."
Conan O'Brien: "Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries on Tuesday. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free."
Jay Leno: "After winning five primaries this week, Mitt Romney has his new campaign slogan: 'Well, I guess you're stuck with me.'" Jimmy Kimmel: "They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym." Conan O'Brien: "The Dalai Lama said he likes George W. Bush as a person, but not as a president. When asked for comment, Bush said, 'I love him as a Dalai, but not as a Lama.'"
Bill Maher: "Famously, Mitt Romney strapped his dog to the roof of the car. So this week the Romney campaign put out that Obama, when he was living in Indonesia, ate dog meat. He was six years old! The White House released a statement saying the President was so sickened by this charge that he ate some grass and threw up."
Conan O'Brien: "Conservatives are now criticizing President Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. But on the plus side, Obama is now polling very well among cats."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The dog thing — maybe that is where the floppy ears come from."
Bill Maher: "April 20 was pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something."
Jimmy Kimmel: "At the St. Louis Zoo, Newt Gingrich got too close to one of the animals and was bit on the hand by a penguin. If you're named after a lizard, you have to assume birds are going to try to eat you."
Bill Maher: "It's that time of year again: taxes. I know it's depressing, but just remember, you're paying for roads, bridges, hospitals and an army to keep the nation free. Unfortunately, that nation is Afghanistan."
Seth Meyers: "Rick Santorum announced that he was suspending his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination. In his honor, sweater sleeves will be worn at half-mast."
Jay Leno: "The Obama administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, a stay-at-home mother of five, has never worked a day in her life. Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?"
Jay Leno: "President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama."
Jay Leno: "In an interview, President Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye West. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit."
Jay Leno: "Newt Gingrich's campaign paid $500 to get his name on the Utah primary ballot, and the check bounced. You know, if Newt is spending money he doesn't have, maybe he really is qualified to be president."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Arnold Schwarzenegger did something interesting yesterday. On his Facebook page, he asked fans to give him ideas for things to write about in his autobiography. Apparently, he's unfamiliar with the 'auto-' part."
Jimmy Fallon: "After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum e-mailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending."
Jimmy Fallon: "Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn't think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left."
David Letterman: "Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon, he can actually have several vice presidents. Did you know that?"
Jay Leno: "The price of gasoline has now doubled under President Obama's administration. He and Jimmy Carter are the only presidents ever to have had that happen. But in fairness, at least under President Obama we don't have to listen to disco."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which has been going on for years. At this point, there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens." Jay Leno: "The earth's population is now well past 7 billion people. And still, the Republicans can't find one candidate they really like." Jay Leno: "According to a new book, Gov. Rick Perry of Texas used painkillers to help him get through the Republican debates. Hey pal, join the club!" Jay Leno: "President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Why didn't they use inside information to pay off the $15 trillion debt?"
Jay Leno: "Last week was the big Mega Millions drawing. Mega Millions, isn't that Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name?"
Jimmy Fallon: "On Saturday the Empire State Building went dark for an hour to draw attention to climate change. Of course, 10 endangered eagles then crashed into the building."
Jimmy Fallon: "Sunday was April Fool's Day and get this: Mitt Romney's staffers played a prank on him by staging a campaign event in an empty room. Or as Newt Gingrich put it, 'My staffers have been playing that prank on me for six months!'"
Jay Leno: "I think even President Obama realizes the Obamacare thing is not looking good in front of the Supreme Court. He's starting to downplay it. Like, today, he called it Bidencare."
Jay Leno: "Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it's because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there's weather, gas prices go up."
David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him."
Conan O'Brien: "Rick Santorum said you aren't a real Republican until you've sworn at someone from the New York Times. Moments later, a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said 'Heck!'"
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said that North Korea is in a 'time warp' that has missed 50 years of progress. North Korea denied the accusation — in a strongly worded telegraph."
Jay Leno: "You know what's kind of ironic? This was the fourth St. Patrick's Day of Obama's presidency. He still hasn't created a green job. What happened to those?"
Stephen Colbert: "Rick Santorum is resonating with voters because of his authenticity. He always speaks off the cuff, which is why his sweaters don't have sleeves."
Jon Stewart: "Rick Santorum won Alabama and Mississippi, and Mitt Romney won Hawaii and American Samoa. Here's a little mnemonic device to help you remember: Places you can get to in a Winnebago go to Santorum. Places that require a jet or a yacht go to Romney."
Jay Leno: "A new CBS poll found that 80% of Americans say they're not better off than they were four years ago. The other 20% own gas stations."
Jay Leno: "President Obama today released his NCAA bracket. He is a huge basketball fan. But privately, White House aides are worried that if he spends so much time on this, it could affect his golf game." Jay Leno: "Happy birthday to Mitt Romney. He's 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died." Jay Leno: "Romney's birthday is not a big deal here. But in the Cayman Islands, it's a national holiday." Stephen Colbert (on Jeff Foxworthy campaigning with Mitt Romney): "If you are a multimillionaire entertainer supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier from Massachusetts, you might no longer be a redneck."
Conan O'Brien: "This week was the multi-state primary known as 'Super Tuesday.' It was followed by 'Now We're Really Stuck with Romney Wednesday.'"
Stephen Colbert: "It's like the Super Bowl of politics -- if the Super Bowl was one team slowly destroying itself."
Craig Ferguson: "Romney spent five and a half million bucks on TV advertising in the Super Tuesday states. Meanwhile, Ron Paul put a sticker on a light pole."
Conan O'Brien: "It's being reported that Dunkin' Donuts restaurants in China are adding pork donuts to the menu. For God's sake, do the Chinese have to beat us at everything?"
Jay Leno: "It seems a cat named Hank is running for the Senate in Virginia. You know the difference between a cat and a politician? A cat doesn't pretend to care about you." Conan O'Brien: "A man in Albuquerque has registered his dog to vote. Apparently the dog likes the current administration but he's not sure he wants another 28 years of Obama."
Jimmy Fallon: "Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It's pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is." Jay Leno: "In a recent interview, President Obama said when he plays golf, he doesn't want or expect people to give him a pass on any shots. He just hopes people will give him a mulligan in November."
Jay Leno: "Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won in Arizona and Michigan. Romney was so excited, he almost loosened his tie."
Jay Leno: "It was leap day Tuesday. This is God's way of punishing us by making the election year even longer."
Jimmy Fallon: "Tuesday marked the 158th anniversary of the Republican Party — while Wednesday marked the 158th Republican debate." David Letterman: "Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters?"
David Letterman: "Rick Santorum now says he's against separation of church and state. But he's not against separation of sweaters and sleeves." Jimmy Fallon: "It was a tough game for the New York Knicks last week. Jeremy Lin went just 1-for-11 in their loss to Miami. Only 1 success out of 11 attempts — or as Newt Gingrich calls that, 'primary season.'" David Letterman: "All these GOP debates. They had debates with podiums, debates with chairs, a table, bunk beds. Now the next one is going to be in black-and-white and silent." Craig Ferguson: "President Obama is trying to come up with a new campaign slogan that would replace 'hope and change.' He's thinking of going with 'I am not Mitt Romney.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Newt Gingrich said we should use covert operations to assassinate Iran's nuclear scientists. Gingrich also said the key to covert operations is announcing them on the campaign trail." Jimmy Kimmel: "Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle."
Conan O'Brien: "It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. Hey, it turns out he is just like us after all."
Jimmy Fallon: "Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama's approval rating is up to 50 percent. Only half the country dislikes him. Apparently his strategy of not being any of the Republican candidates is paying off."
Jay Leno: "The Chinese vice president visited President Obama at the White House. That shows how different China is from us. In China, the vice president is actually important."
Jay Leno: "President Obama may have significantly reduced our trade deficit with China. He sold the Chinese vice president a billion Jeremy Lin jerseys at $50 apiece."
David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex."
Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney said last week that he learned something. There are things that money can't buy — like Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri."
Jay Leno: "It was a bad week for Newt Gingrich. In terms that Newt can understand, I think the voters told him they want to start seeing other candidates."
Jimmy Fallon: "This Saturday is the drawing for one of the biggest Powerball jackpots in history, which means one lucky winner could be worth $300 million. Or as Mitt Romney calls that, 'middle class.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Apple is facing a $38 million fine in China because the word 'iPad' is trademarked by a Chinese company. Apple was nervous about owing money to China — but then Obama was like, 'Ah, you get used to it.'"
David Letterman: "Rick Santorum was the big winner on Tuesday. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest." Conan O'Brien: "Since Tuesday's primaries, Rick Santorum's campaign has received $250,000 in donations. When Mitt Romney heard this, he said, '$250,000? Oh, that's cute.'" Jay Leno: "Donald Trump announced he is building a new hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get." Jimmy Kimmel: "There's really no reason for anyone to drop out of the race. If you wind up in fourth place, you become a regular contributor on Fox News. You come in third, you get your own show on Fox News."
Jimmy Fallon: "After winning the Super Bowl, the Giants will get to meet President Obama at the White House. Meanwhile, the Patriots will get to meet Newt Gingrich at the Waffle House."
Jay Leno: "One of the most talked about Super Bowl commercials was the one with Clint Eastwood, where he said, 'It's halftime in America, and our second half is about to begin.' The bad news? China has the ball and we're down $15 trillion."
Jay Leno: "President Obama has ordered new sanctions against Iran's central bank for engaging in deceptive practices. I've got a better idea: How about sanctions against our banks for deceptive practices?"
Jay Leno: "According to a study from Match.com, Democrats have sex more often than Republicans, but Republicans have better sex. Who cares? It's always the voters who get screwed."
Jimmy Fallon: "Donald Trump announced that he's endorsing Mitt Romney for president. It was really nice. Trump was like, 'There's only one man with the brains, the skills, and the charisma to be president — but since I'm not running, you might as well vote for Mitt Romney.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "In Florida, Mitt Romney won the Republican presidential primary election. Political analysts believe that elderly voters in Florida rejected Newt Gingrich because of fears that he would eventually leave them for a younger state." Stephen Colbert: "Mitt didn't just beat Newt Gingrich, he stomped him by a devastating 14 percent margin. Fourteen percent! That is higher than Mitt's tax rate." Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney's campaign will start getting Secret Service protection this week. That's just to protect him from Newt Gingrich." Jay Leno: "The agriculture department says we now have the smallest cattle population in 60 years. That shows you how fat we're getting. We're close to putting cows on the endangered species list."
Jay Leno: "Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that's when you know you're part of the top 1 percent, when your bank's address has the word 'island' in it."
David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the moon." Craig Ferguson: "Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the 'Goldilocks candidate.' Yes, nothing gets voters excited like comparing yourself to tepid porridge." Jimmy Fallon: "An Illinois woman is auctioning President Obama's 2005 Chrysler. You can tell it's his because it starts off fast, then stalls for the next three years."
Stephen Colbert: "Newt Gingrich crushed Mitt Romney in South Carolina. Gingrich sealed his victory in last week's debates by going after America's most dangerous enemy: debate moderators."
Jay Leno: "Newt lashed out and said the attacks from the media make it harder to attract decent people to run for office, and he's right. That's why we have people like Newt Gingrich running for office."
Conan O'Brien: "Mitt Romney released his 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows."
Jay Leno: "Scientists announced that they have detected a brand new subatomic particle. This particle is so tiny, it's actually smaller than the income tax rate paid by Mitt Romney."
Jimmy Fallon: "Texas Governor Rick Perry officially dropped out of the race for president. He just couldn't get over that one campaign hurdle — you know, talking."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama aired his first campaign ad of 2012, which promotes his record on clean energy. Obama's a big environmentalist. In fact, for the election he plans to recycle the same promises he made four years ago." Jay Leno: "A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser." Jay Leno: "President Obama was in Disney World, where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. You know why he chose Disney World? It was the only place with longer lines than the unemployment office, so it looks better."
Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney is coming under fire because even though he is a multimillionaire, he only paid 15 percent in taxes. That's not a tax, that's barely a tip." Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama took Michelle out to a steak restaurant for her birthday, marking the first time in months the words 'Obama' and 'well done' appeared in the same sentence."
Craig Ferguson: "The Stop Online Piracy Act was cooked up by big studios who want larger fines for websites connected to piracy. People wonder why Hollywood makes such crappy movies and TV shows. It's because they spend all their time preventing people from stealing the crap they've already made."
Jay Leno: "An intelligence officer with the Canadian armed forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don't know what's more shocking, the fact that he did that or that Canada has military secrets."
Jimmy Fallon: "The State Department issued a new travel warning yesterday, urging U.S. citizens to avoid Syria. Yeah, it was part of a new set of warnings called, 'Things you were probably doing already.'" Conan O'Brien: "Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt visited the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama." Jimmy Fallon: "Experts say Mitt Romney needs Latino support in elections. Romney said, 'I'll never pander to any group or mi nombre no es Mitt Romney.'" Jay Leno: "Researchers found a frog in New Guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress."
Jay Leno: "Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States."
Craig Ferguson: "Romney's win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup."
David Letterman: "I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Ron Paul finished second. Paul says if he can sustain those kinds of numbers...and if his message continues to resonate...and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don't do well because this is the night when many of them realize, 'I served all those people pancakes for nothing.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement." Jay Leno: "You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins." Conan O'Brien: "During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese."
Jimmy Fallon: "The national debt has reached $15 trillion—the size of the entire U.S. economy. I don't want to say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow."
Jimmy Fallon: "During Sunday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'" Craig Ferguson: "I watched the Republican debate. At one point, someone said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there."
Jay Leno: "A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The remaining Republican candidates were in New Hampshire this weekend, where they had two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs."
Jay Leno: "Even though Rick Perry came in fifth in Iowa, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then he said, 'Which way is that?'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Herman Cain is back. He's planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house."
Jay Leno: "A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver."
Conan O' Brien: "Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15."
Jay Leno: "Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain."
David Letterman: "There's already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore."
Craig Ferguson: "Last night, Rick Perry said he was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all."
Craig Ferguson: "I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya."
Jay Leno: "2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed."
David Letterman: "Forty percent of the people of Iowa said they were undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen debates."
Jimmy Fallon: "The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it's part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'"
Jay Leno: "According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress." Jay Leno: "If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there: We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees."
Conan O'Brien: "Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, 'I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.'"
David Letterman: "Newt has a holiday book out -- 'The Newt Before Christmas.'"
Jay Leno: "Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, 'Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?'"
Conan O'Brien: "The other day, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology."
David Letterman: "Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That's like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings."
Craig Ferguson: "A lot of packages this time of year get lost. That's awful. You're promised something great. You wait and wait and wait. But nothing good ever comes. It's like voting for Obama."
Jay Leno: "Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party."
David Letterman: "Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor."
David Letterman: "Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 years in prison. His barber got the death penalty."
Craig Ferguson: "Blagojevich was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama."
Jay Leno: "President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas."
Jimmy Fallon: "The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there's a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget."
Jay Leno: "It looks like the supercommittee chosen by President Obama to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. The best idea they came up with? A bake sale." Jay Leno: "Don't worry, President Obama has announced a new plan. Next week, he's appointing a super-duper committee." Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama came home after a nine-day trip to Asia. He got to see some stuff he never sees at home, like jobs." Craig Ferguson: "In New York, people actually camped out to see Regis' last show. It looked like Occupy Wall Street. But Regis' fans are a little bit older, so it was more like Occupy Wal-Mart."
Jay Leno: "President Obama joined other world leaders in trying to convince Greece to cut back on spending and reduce their debt. This is part of their 'Do as We Say, Not as We Do' summit, apparently."
Jay Leno: "President Obama had his annual physical. Doctors say he is in excellent health, except his blood pressure. It's 70 over 14 trillion."
Jay Leno: "Herman Cain is surging in the polls. Many polls have him ahead of Mitt Romney. He hasn't said who he would choose as his running mate yet, but according to a report, he's had several meetings with Papa John."
David Letterman: "Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda."
Jay Leno: "Rick Perry's advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, President Obama's teleprompter was stolen. Police are on the lookout for a thief who's eloquent and spreading a message of hope."
David Letterman: "Bo, the White House dog, is three years old today. The difference between Bo and the economy is that Obama fixed the dog."
Jay Leno: "Two Americans won the Nobel Prize for economics. How crappy is the economy in the rest of the world if America is winning the Nobel Prize for economics?"
Jay Leno: "China is now expected to surpass Japan as the second richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen."
David Letterman: "The economy's so bad, I was in Central Park today and I saw pigeons feeding old people."
Craig Ferguson: "Happy anniversary to President Obama and the first lady. They had a nice private dinner to celebrate the 19th anniversary of the last time someone said 'yes' to an Obama proposal."
Jay Leno: "Obama says his new jobs bill will be more successful than his last jobs bill. Let's not set that bar too high."
David Letterman: "We have a pumpkin shortage in the United States. Thanks a lot, Obama."
Conan O'Brien: "Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, 'Sorry you lost your job.' The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman."
Conan O' Brien: "In Michigan, a man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for."
Jay Leno: "Italy is asking China to help bail them out of their debt crisis. Doesn't that make you mad? Hey, Italy, China is our sugar daddy."
Conan O'Brien: "The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans."
Jay Leno: "President Obama introduced his $447 billion jobs plan. A lot of economists say it could work — if we had $447 billion."
Jimmy Fallon: "Republicans actually decided not to give a rebuttal to President Obama's jobs speech. I guess they figured there's already a rebuttal to his jobs speech: No jobs."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good."
David Letterman: "Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day."
Jay Leno: "For most Americans, Labor Day means a three-day weekend, but for 9.1 percent of Americans, it's been a 12-month weekend."
Jay Leno: "New statistics show the U.S. economy added 0 jobs in August. The White House cautioned Americans not to read too much into those numbers. What numbers?"
Jimmy Fallon: "I read that a man from Illinois discovered $150,000 in his garden. Did you hear that, President Obama? A man from Illinois actually grew the economy."
David Letterman: "Mitt Romney announced he's building a $12 million beach house in California. There's a man who can read the mood of the country."
Jay Leno: "Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too."
Craig Ferguson: "Apparently there's a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "John McCain turned 75 today. He thought Hurricane Irene was a flapper he had a crush on in the '20s."
David Letterman: "President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha's Vineyard. It's really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating."
Craig Ferguson: "I think I speak for everyone when I say we're hoping for an end to the bloodshed in Libya, a peaceful transition to democracy . . . and cheaper gas."
Conan O'Brien: "The CEO of Starbucks said that President Obama shouldn't be vacationing during a crisis, and that he should be getting Americans back to work — so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee."
Conan O'Brien: "Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, Obama now has nine people interested in his house."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting."
Jon Stewart: "How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" (on the media ignoring Paul's second place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll)
Stephen Colbert: "Now that Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for President, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the President riding in a bus."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me."
Jay Leno: "S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England and Greece un-friended us on Facebook."
Jon Stewart: "By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense."
Conan O'Brien: "China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn't tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie."
Jimmy Fallon: "Today Michelle Obama urged her husband's supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen."
Jay Leno: "There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right."
Jay Leno: "They say because of our national debt every child born in this country owes $50,000. China had a message for those kids: 'We're hiring! Come on down! Make sneakers.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks."
Craig Ferguson: "It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling." Jimmy Fallon: "This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan." Stephen Colbert: "I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?"
Jay Leno: "In the last month, President Obama's re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more."
Jon Stewart: "If Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips."
Bill Maher: "I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country."
David Letterman: "It's so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs."
Jimmy Fallon: "The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps."
Jay Leno: "Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?"
Craig Ferguson: "One of Rupert Murdoch's British tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working."
Jay Leno: "The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The Senate canceled their vacation to work on the budget. Either they really can't agree or they're looking for an excuse to not go on vacation with their families."
David Letterman: "A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For instance, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while." David Letterman: "We're celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we'll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese." Conan O'Brien: "Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, 'What's the difference between 'reply' and 'reply all?''
Jay Leno: "Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? Do you know how rare that is these days, that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?" Jay Leno: "It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany's for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion." Jay Leno: "According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time." Jimmy Fallon: "New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, 'Anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at ... actually, you'd just better call.'"
Jay Leno: "President Obama laid out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that's progress." David Letterman: "I'll tell you who's in a lot of trouble: Mitt Romney. He's supposedly the Republican presidential contender front-runner. Here's what happened: He created a successful healthcare plan in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? Come on! What a dope." David Letterman: "Former governor of Utah, Jon Huntsman, is running for president. He's one of those guys that can do everything — he speaks Chinese. In a couple of years we'll all be speaking Chinese, so who cares?" Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this, and we'll pay off that deficit in no time."
Conan O'Brien: "According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "A recent study found that today's fathers spend twice as much time with their kids as fathers in 1960. Meanwhile, the study found that Arnold Schwarzenegger spends time with twice as many kids as he did three weeks ago."
Jay Leno: "According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922."
Jay Leno: "Officials still can't say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That's money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home."
Conan O'Brien: "Most of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff quit on the same day and some people are blaming Newt's third wife. When asked about it, Newt said, 'I'll win them back with my fourth wife.'" Jay Leno: "Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson lashed out at CNN for not allowing him to participate in the Republican debate. He said CNN was robbing him of the opportunity to reach literally dozens of viewers." Jimmy Fallon: "According to reports, Osama bin Laden's bedroom had the only air conditioner in his compound. I don't know about you guys, but I'm starting to think that he was kind of a jerk." Jimmy Kimmel: "Sasha Obama turned 10 years old yesterday. It was so cute when her mom Michelle had her blow out the candles on her birthday lettuce."
Jimmy Fallon: "Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to seven candidates and 35 ex-wives."
Jimmy Fallon: "Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, announced that he's running for President. And this is cool — if his campaign isn't over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free." Jay Leno: "President Obama is on a visit to England. He told the Queen, 'I like your tea parties much better than the ones we have in America.'" David Letterman: "Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22."
Conan O'Brien: "The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him, saying, "Hey, it's not the end of the world!"
Jay Leno: "How about this whole world-coming-to-an-end thing? Look, I love Oprah too, but it was just a TV show!" Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants." Jay Leno: "President Obama suggested that Israel should go back to the pre-1967 borders. Native Americans said, 'Why stop there? Let's go back to the pre-1492 borders.'"
David Letterman: "The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese." Jay Leno: "There's talk of a new 'Mad Max' movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future...like July." Jimmy Fallon: "Disney is trademarking the phrase 'SEAL Team 6,' after the team that took down Osama bin Laden. Yeah, 'cause when they shot bin Laden, captured his wives and found his porn, I was like, 'This would make a great Disney movie.'" Jay Leno: "Donald Trump says that he will not run for President. You know why? He can't find his birth certificate."
Jay Leno: "Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn't had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he's the Mormon!"
David Letterman: "Newt Gingrich is running for president. This could be the political event of the year — 1996."
Stephen Colbert: "There is little doubt what Trump's eventual announcement will be because he's already decided to run in his mind. That means he's a shoo-in, because that's where all his supporters are."
Jay Leno: "An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind."
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was the longest 40 minutes of his life, except for every time he asks Joe Biden what's up."
Jay Leno: "Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle." Jimmy Fallon: "The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. It's kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when you're like, 'We will fight you until the end! Of May!'"
Jimmy Fallon: "The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The identity of the Navy Seals who killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death."
Jay Leno: "The White House is releasing more information on the details of that attack on Osama bin Laden. They said the helicopters were able to fly in undetected because it was 1:00 a.m. and the Pakistan air traffic controller was sound asleep."
David Letterman: "Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He'd been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Some Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It's kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, 'Well, I loosened it.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "After Osama bin Laden's death on Sunday, there was a 1 million percent increase in 'bin Laden' searches on Google. Which means people were going, 'Yes! We got bin Laden! Hold on, who's that again?'"
Craig Ferguson: "Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' is writing a children's book about Osama bin Laden's death. She wants to write a book to explain the whole thing to children. No title yet, but I have a suggestion: 'Horton Hears a Helicopter.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "While promoting her 'Let's Move' campaign at a middle school, Michelle Obama danced the Cha-Cha, the Running Man, and the Dougie. Not to show off — she was just doing her impression of Barack after they got bin Laden."
Jay Leno: "President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump to shut up." Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday Rush Limbaugh opened his show with 'Thank God for President Obama.' In other words, the Apocalypse has begun." Jimmy Kimmel: "Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business." Jay Leno: "For their honeymoon, the royal couple wants to go somewhere they can have complete privacy and no one in the country will give away their location. I think they're going to Pakistan."
Jay Leno: "The good news: Osama bin Laden is dead. The bad news: there is no bad news."
Jimmy Kimmel: "I would like us to kill bin Laden every Sunday night. It makes for a much brighter start to the week."
David Letterman: "There's already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix-up and he was greeted by 72 vegans." Craig Ferguson: "Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U.S. I don't understand why they're so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion."
Jay Leno: "The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump."
Jimmy Kimmel: "I'm surprised Donald Trump isn't investigating whether Hawaii is an official state. A lot of vowels over there and not enough consonants."
Jay Leno: "The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That's a long trip for Joe Biden."
Jay Leno: "The man who invented the teleprompter has died at the age of 91. When President Obama heard the news, he was speechless."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward, though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." Jay Leno: "Every time a kid found an egg, Michelle Obama would make them trade it in for a low-cholesterol Egg Beater." Conan O'Brien: "Prominent people are coming forward to attest to President Obama's American citizenship. The governor of Hawaii said he first met Obama just days after he was born. He knew it was Obama because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for change."
Jay Leno: "There's now a nationwide shortage of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs. The FDA says it doesn't know how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't paying attention."
Craig Ferguson: "Forty percent of Americans say they would rather cut their own hair than do their taxes. And then there are people that would rather do neither. I'm talking to you, Willie Nelson."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands."
Conan O'Brien: "NBC executives say that if Donald Trump does run for president, they will not renew 'The Apprentice.' So some good may come out of this."
Bill Maher: "Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off now than you were four wives ago?''"
Jay Leno: "Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama's deficit speech."
Jay Leno: "Joe Biden apparently fell asleep during President Obama's speech on reducing the national debt Wednesday. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller." David Letterman: "Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'"
David Letterman: "The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. That seems a little high." Jay Leno: "Gas has gone up 20 cents in just one week. Shouldn't we stop calling it crude oil at this point and call it obscene oil?"
David Letterman: "After intense last-minute negotiations, a deal was reached that will avoid a government shutdown. The Democrats and Republicans worked together with one common goal...to screw each other." Jay Leno: "The good news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. The bad news is, the government is up and running, the same as before." Jay Leno: "A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama's performance. The other 81 percent don't own gas stations." Conan O'Brien: "Toyota says they're going to start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It's perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every 10 minutes."
Jay Leno: "It looks like we're heading for a government shutdown. And you thought Joe Biden had nothing to do before."
Jay Leno: "The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi's government could still be working." Conan O'Brien: "Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water." Craig Ferguson: "Scientists are saying that the ozone layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40%. Now, to give an idea how much that is, it's the biggest hole in the sky not on a Southwest plane."
Jay Leno: "If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East."
Jay Leno: "We're down to the final four now: only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked."
Conan O'Brien: "Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka."
David Letterman: "I've made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for President, but in all honesty, I'll be making a lot more."
David Letterman: "About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say."
Jay Leno: "Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action,' which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire.'" Conan O'Brien: "President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? 'No, I Wasn't Born There.'"
Jay Leno: "In the wake of record losses, the U.S. Postal Service announced it is cutting 7,500 jobs. But a spokesman said those positions could be restored if this whole e-mail thing turns out to be nothing but a fad."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House after he got home from South America and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn't get in, Obama said, 'Holy cow, is it 2012 already?'"
Jay Leno: "Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There's a very good case against impeachment. It's called 'Joe Biden.'"
Jay Leno: "For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress."
David Letterman: "Donald Trump says he will run for President. How would Trump travel as President? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One."
Jay Leno: "We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize."
David Letterman: "We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a "theater" of war, but this is a multiplex."
Bill Maher: "They said the radioactive plume came here today. Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and for once it wasn't your job."
Jay Leno: "Life expectancy in the U.S. has risen to a new record of 78.2 years. The bad news is, the average age a person has to work to before they can retire is now 78.3 years."
Jay Leno: "Remember when President Obama said we can't fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we're fighting three wars."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." Jay Leno: "Due to the recession, there are now 15,000 fewer lawyers in the U.S. No one ever talks about the good things that come from a recession." Jay Leno: "Newt Gingrich has started a website to gauge whether he should start an exploratory committee to determine whether he should run for President. This is just the type of firm, decisive leadership this country needs." Conan O'Brien: "A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat."
Jay Leno: "A federal watchdog agency says that overlapping and duplicate programs waste billions of dollars each year. Congress is taking this study so seriously that they're ordering a second study to look into it."
Conan O'Brien: "Moammar Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself." Jay Leno: "The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof."
Conan O'Brien: "Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Overthrow Your Presidents Day." David Letterman: "They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last President to do anything about the debt." Craig Ferguson: "President Taft was so fat that before he was elected to the Oval Office it was square."
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama filled in as the coach of his daughter Sasha's basketball team. Sasha evidently listened to her Dad, because all she did was drive straight down the center and piss everyone off."
Craig Ferguson: "I'm glad we have a day for the Presidents, but shouldn't we have a day for Congress when the Senate and the House can kick back and not worry about getting anything done? Oh, wait."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama was in San Francisco, meeting with a group of technology executives, including Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. Their goal is to figure out how to create new jobs, to replace jobs that have been lost as a result of everyone spending all their time at work on Facebook." Jimmy Kimmel: "The President hopes that, based on the success of programs like FarmVille, a million new imaginary jobs can be created by the year 2012." Jimmy Fallon: "Arkansas Congressman Steve Womack has proposed cutting funding for President Obama's teleprompter. Oh man, when Obama finds out, he's going to be speechless." Jay Leno: "Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on 'Jeopardy!' This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger."
Jay Leno: "First lady Michelle Obama told 'Regis & Kelly' she was expecting jewelry on Valentine's Day. She said it wouldn't be anything extravagant because Barack tends to be responsible when he's spending his own money." Jay Leno: "Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." David Letterman: "Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn't understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland."
Jimmy Fallon: "The New York Times says new cars will no longer be equipped with cassette players. Come on, it's 2011 -- people still read newspapers?"
Jimmy Fallon: "Egyptian officials say that Hosni Mubarak is going through a 'severe psychological condition.' It's called 'getting dumped a week before Valentine's Day.'"
Jay Leno: "Egypt's President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, 'Obama's leaving?'"
Bill Maher: "This whole revolution was started by a Facebook page. So Mubarak wasn't so much deposed as de-friended." Conan O'Brien: "Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentine's Day." Jay Leno: "Keith Olbermann has a new job on Al Gore's Current TV as an investigative reporter. His job will be to find anyone that watches Current TV."
Jay Leno: "President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything." Jay Leno: "The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it's a pyramid scheme." Conan O'Brien: "A California man is suing Disney because he was trapped on the 'It's a Small World' ride for 40 minutes. When they heard about it, the Chilean miners said, 'Wow, we got off easy.'" Craig Ferguson: "Russian astronomers say an asteroid is heading toward our planet and will hit us in 2036. You have to keep in mind that Russian astronomers use empty vodka bottles for telescopes."
Craig Ferguson: "Joe Biden announced plans for a $53 billion train system. To offset the cost, they're raising the price of a train ticket to $53 billion." Jay Leno: "President Obama urged private businesses to hire more workers. He didn't realize that only the government hires more people than it needs." Jimmy Fallon: "Prince William's nightclub owner friend is said to be planning a wild bachelor party for him. It must be weird stuffing a bill in a stripper's G-string when it has a picture of your grandmother on it." David Letterman: "Recent storms have been very tough on New York City. Just today, Mayor Bloomberg was busy cutting the ribbon on a new pothole."
Craig Ferguson: "This year's Super Bowl was the most-watched event in history. Take that, moon landing!"
Jay Leno: "Homeland Security told people at the game that if they saw anything not right, give them a call. They got 50 million calls as soon as Christina Aguilera started singing the national anthem." David Letterman: "At President Obama's Super Bowl party, they had cheeseburgers and deep-dish pizza. So much for Michelle Obama's healthy eating initiative."
Jay Leno: "Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak told ABC News that he would like to step down from power immediately, but if he did, it could cause chaos in his country. Well, you would hate to see that happen."
Jimmy Fallon: "Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said President Obama doesn't understand Egyptian culture. Man, get off your high camel!"
Jay Leno: "President Mubarak came out of the presidential palace today and saw his shadow -- six more weeks of rock throwing."
Conan O'Brien: "Hosni's son Gamal Mubarak says he does not want to become president, which is just as well. If you've seen one Mubarak, you've seen Gamal." Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Lieberman is writing a book about the Jewish Sabbath called 'Gift of Rest.' I hear he's been working on it 24/6."
Jay Leno: "The big rumor: Sarah Palin said she may run for president. I understand there's an opening in Egypt." Jay Leno: "President Mubarak came out of the presidential palace today and saw his shadow; six more weeks of rock throwing."
Jay Leno: "For the State of the Union address, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks, we finally integrated Washington."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama promised to veto any bill sent to his desk with earmarks. I think he's just being overly sensitive about his ears." Jimmy Kimmel: "He also said we have to 'win the future.' He said that seven different times. I'd settle on tying the future. I don't like to get greedy."
Jay Leno: "The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes." Jay Leno: "Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'" Jay Leno: "President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall." Jimmy Kimmel: "Hu Jintao made his first official state visit to the United States. Vice President Joe Biden has been asked not to do his 'Hu's on first' routine."
Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin's reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States." Jay Leno: "Former U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on `Dancing with the Stars.'" Jay Leno: "Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month."
Craig Ferguson: "The two biggest websites right now are Wikipedia, where you go to learn about things you care about, and Facebook, where you go to learn about people you stopped caring about years ago."
Jon Stewart (on the Arizona shootings):
"I wouldn't blame our political rhetoric any more than I would blame heavy metal music for Columbine. And that is coming from someone who truly hates our political environment." "I do think that it's a worthwhile goal not to conflate our political opponents with our enemies, if for no other reason than to draw a better distinction between the manifestos of paranoid madmen and what passes for acceptable political and pundit speak. It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn't in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let's at least make troubled individuals easier to spot."
David Letterman: "Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to repeal everything President Obama has done. They even told Michelle Obama that her vegetable garden has to go."
Jimmy Kimmel: "According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans' reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading." Jay Leno: "The first order of business for the 112th Congress: blaming everything on the 111th Congress." Jay Leno: "Borders bookstores are struggling to stay in business. This could be the first time in our country that borders are actually closed."
David Letterman: "Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back."
Jimmy Fallon: "Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done." Jay Leno: "President Obama plans to sign a $1.4 billion food safety bill. The most dangerous thing about American food? The portions." Jay Leno: "Jerry Brown is governor of California again. How California is that, hooking up with your ex years later?"
Jay Leno: "This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky. Apparently this is Arkansas' version of the New Year's Eve ball drop." Jay Leno: "You know why I think the birds fell out of the sky? Tweeting." Jimmy Kimmel: "We have a new governor in California. Former Gov. Jerry Brown replaces Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't know if I trust a governor who's never done steroids." Stephen Colbert: "One man claims President Obama wants to give the entire U.S. back to the Indians. That's terrible. They might build burial mounds on top of our sacred malls."
Jay Leno: "A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican."
Jay Leno: "President Obama read his new children's book to a classroom of second-graders in Virginia. It did not go well. Fifty-nine percent of the kids disapproved, and 83 percent of the children felt the story was headed in the wrong direction."
Jay Leno: "The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans." Jay Leno: "On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license."
Jay Leno: "Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with since becoming President." Jay Leno: "Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work." David Letterman: "Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks guy, is out on bail. Today, in the holiday spirit, he leaked 200 letters to Santa." Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years."
Jay Leno: "According to a new poll, 51 percent of Americans feel that their lives were better two years ago before President Obama took office. To which President Obama said, 'Join the club.'"
Craig Ferguson: "After signing the child nutrition law, President Obama said it shows our government is serious about setting a good example for children's health. Then he went outside to smoke a cigarette." Jimmy Fallon: "Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital today because of a kidney stone. On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration."
Conan O'Brien: "Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real."
Jay Leno: "Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush." Craig Ferguson: "Thousands of people turned out to see President Obama's Christmas tree lighting. I knew it would be beautiful. I watched it a couple days ago on WikiLeaks." Jimmy Fallon: "After hacking into Visa and MasterCard yesterday, WikiLeaks supporters now want to take down Amazon.com. After they do it, Amazon will suggest a list of similar sites they might also enjoy hacking." Jimmy Kimmel: "The Chinese government is very upset that a dissident is receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. They said that any countries attending the ceremonies will be insulting China. This could be the first war started by a peace prize."
Jay Leno: "It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes, we can' to 'Yes, we caved.'"
Jay Leno: "According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. -- Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place." Jay Leno: "China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab."
Jay Leno: "President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks."
Jay Leno: "What kind of name is WikiLeaks? It sounds like a Hawaiian guy that's incontinent."
Jay Leno: "Because of a printing error, a billion new $100 bills have to be destroyed. They're going to burn $100 billion dollars — just like they did with the last stimulus program."
David Letterman: "Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson."
Jay Leno: "President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change."
Jay Leno: "President Obama received 12 stitches in his lip after being elbowed in the mouth during a basketball game. Out of force of habit, he blamed George Bush."
Jay Leno: "The annual 'Christmas Village' in Philadelphia has been renamed the 'Holiday Village.' In fact, they're not Santa's reindeer anymore...they're now 'nondenominational venison.'"
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim."
Craig Ferguson: "President Obama needed 12 stitches after taking an elbow to the mouth during a basketball game, but he learned a valuable lesson: Don't get in the way of Hillary's tomahawk jab."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player." Conan O'Brien: "Monday was a big online shopping day called 'Cyber Monday.' Immediately followed by 'Identity Theft Tuesday.'" Conan O'Brien: "Time Warner Cable is testing a premium service that sets a specific time for the installer to arrive. The two times available are winter and spring."
Jay Leno: "The original Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims lasted three days. That was before we learned we could eat three days' worth of food in one day." Jay Leno: "In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama." Craig Ferguson: "Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence."
Jimmy Fallon: "The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity."
Jay Leno: "The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer." Jay Leno: "Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin." Jay Leno: "Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them." Conan O'Brien: "The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. A spokesman for the turkey said it doesn't need a pardon, it needs a job."
Jay Leno: "At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down." Jay Leno: "President Obama has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the Thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel?" Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said GM's comeback would be the success story of this recession. GM said it wanted to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota's brakes, Toyota's steering and Toyota's accelerator." David Letterman: "The Capitol Hill Christmas tree is on its way, and once it gets to Washington it'll die in committee."
Jay Leno: "In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Sarah Palin says she believes she can beat Obama in 2012. The way things are going right now, Bristol Palin could beat Obama in 2012." Jay Leno: "I'll tell you how confident Sarah Palin is. She's already started writing her inaugural address on her hand." David Letterman: "Donald Trump said he's going to run for President in 2012 against Sarah Palin. Now that would be some presidential race. Get some seats down front for those debates: 'You're fired!' 'You betcha!'" David Letterman: "There's going to be problems when Donald Trump runs. They had a lot of problems with Obama, you wait until Trump runs because the rumor is that thing on his head was not born in this country."
Jimmy Fallon: "The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for."
Jay Leno: "It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it."
Jimmy Fallon: "'The Unemployed American' is in the running for Time magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of Time and still no one will hire you."
David Letterman: "President Obama has a children's book. It's called 'How the Grinch Stole the Midterm Elections.'"
Jay Leno: "This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird." Jimmy Kimmel: "TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers' thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school." Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama's picture book for kids is coming out. That's when you know things have changed — when Bush writes a 500-page memoir and Obama hands in a coloring book." Jimmy Fallon: "Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing."
David Letterman: "President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" Jay Leno: "A Carnival Cruise liner was disabled and drifted for two days without any power, thus earning the ship the nickname 'The Democratic Party.'" Jimmy Fallon: "China is expected to overtake the U.S. as the world's biggest economy in the next two years. Americans couldn't believe it. 'That hasn't happened already?'" Stephen Colbert: "Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on."
Conan O'Brien: "Twenty thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American." Jimmy Fallon: "I finally read former President Bush's memoir and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency." Jimmy Fallon: "JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years." Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi is throwing a party to celebrate her time as speaker of the House. If you would like to get her a gift, she's registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me."
Jay Leno: "President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money." Jay Leno: "Obama says India is one of our most important trading partners. We give them our jobs and they give us . . . Wait, what do we get?" Jay Leno: "The President's trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That's the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames." Jimmy Kimmel: "What if Bristol Palin wins 'Dancing with the Stars?' She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is 'with the.'"
Jay Leno: "President Obama is in India. You know what they say — go where the jobs are."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama signed a $10 billion pact with India this afternoon. He brokered a deal to make India part of the UN security council. And he was able to get a $15 late fee reversed on his Visa card."
Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi, who lost her position as Speaker of the House, says she will seek to become the House Minority Leader. And really, who's better qualified to be House Minority Leader than the person who led her party to become a minority in the first place?" Craig Ferguson: "Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C., reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you're searching for intelligent life, you've got the wrong town."
David Letterman: "How about those elections? Here's how it breaks down now. We have a Republican House. We have a Democratic Senate. And we have a President with veto power. Smooth sailing, right? No problems there."
Jay Leno: "Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two-room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress."
Jimmy Fallon: "In his new book, George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea."
Jay Leno: "Tuesday was bad for President Obama. Voters threw away the hope and just went for the change."
Jimmy Fallon: "Everyone is talking about the unemployment rate. This week it went up by about 65 Democrats." David Letterman: "The President is going to India. He'll be traveling on Air Force One-Term." Craig Ferguson: "India is famous for its Darjeeling tea, but President Obama won't be interested in tea parties of any kind."
David Letterman: "You can tell it's winter. The Democrats have gone into hibernation." Jay Leno: "All year long, the Democrats were telling people to 'get out and vote.' Then people told the Democrats, 'We voted, now get out!'"
David Letterman: "Voters didn't like how President Obama was handling the economy. Wait a minute — he was handling the economy?" Jay Leno: "The Republicans won by a mudslide." David Letterman: "In Washington today, volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild."
Jimmy Fallon: "The final poll before Election Day shows that 55 percent of Americans plan to vote for Republicans, while 40 percent plan to vote for Democrats. I guess Obama is finally going to get that change he was talking about." Jimmy Fallon: "It seems most experts are predicting that Republicans will win back the House tomorrow. When Americans heard that, they were like, 'Wait, we can win back our houses?'" Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama sent out an e-mail encouraging his supporters to take at least three friends with them to vote. That's not how people vote — that's how women go to the bathroom."
Jay Leno: "Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat -- then it's next Tuesday." Jay Leno: "According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?"
Craig Ferguson: "There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American walked all the way across Paris without getting insulted."
Bill Maher: "A very joyous week. A week where the whole world was watching a bunch of men trying to climb out of a hole they dug for themselves -- but enough about the Democrats. Let's talk about those Chilean miners." Jay Leno: "Vice President Joe Biden told the New York Times that President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. The bad news? Nobody is asking Obama yet." Jay Leno: "The Nobel Prize for economics was awarded to three economists. Should we have even given one out this year? If there's one thing we've learned over the past two years, it's that there's no such thing as an expert in economics." Jay Leno: "The Obama administration has lifted the six-month ban on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, provided that the oil companies follow the new safety regulations. For example, there has to be at least one sober person on the rig at all times."
Jimmy Fallon: President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house? Oh yeah, right."
Jay Leno: "President Obama has moved a 12-day tour of India and Asia to right after the November election. I can't imagine why he would want to leave the country right after the midterm election." Jay Leno: "Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs."
David Letterman: "Donald Trump is running for president.... I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring."
Jay Leno: "There are rumors of an Obama-Hillary ticket for 2012, though some insiders say Obama doesn't feel he needs Hillary on the ticket. At this point, I don't think Hillary feels that she needs Obama on the ticket." Jay Leno: "Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams." David Letterman: "Trump refers to the White House as a '200-year-old tear-down.'"
Jay Leno: "Former vice president and presidential candidate Walter Mondale criticized President Obama for using teleprompters. He called them 'idiot boards.' Of course, Democrats were stunned. They said, 'Walter Mondale is still alive?'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, is criticizing President Obama for not properly training his dog, Bo. Apparently, Bo still doesn't respond to simple commands such as 'sit,' 'stay,' and 'fix the economy.'" Jimmy Fallon: "EA Sports released a new version of the video game NBA Jam that features Obama, Biden, Bush and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." Jay Leno: "Donald Trump may run for president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?" Jay Leno: "Well, at least there would be someone in politics with worse hair than Joe Biden."
Jay Leno: "President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." David Letterman: "Scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum." David Letterman: "BP announced that they have created a new Safety Division for offshore drilling. In related news, General Custer has just hired a lookout." Jimmy Fallon: "Goldman Sachs has a new ad to show what the company does. Isn't that what the recession was for?"
Jay Leno: "President Obama said today that education is the key to our economic turnaround. He said once Americans start getting smarter, the economy will start to improve. So you know what that means: we are screwed." David Letterman: "Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you're mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah." Jimmy Fallon: "A new poll found that 41 percent of Americans don't know who the Vice President is. In reponse, Joe Biden was like, "All right, at least give me a hint." Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list."
Jay Leno: "At the U.N., President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the Tea Party is your problem, buddy.'" Jay Leno: "These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim." Jay Leno: "President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?" Jimmy Fallon: "On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin."
David Letterman: "President Obama was speaking at the U.N. and no one could tell if it was a calm, measured address or an angry tirade." David Letterman: "The premiere of 'Hawaii Five-O' was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama's birth certificate."
Jay Leno: "Larry Summers, President Obama's top economic adviser, is stepping down. So finally some good economic news. I'll tell ya, Summers didn't want to leave, but apparently he was out of bad ideas." Jay Leno: "Summers is actually the third Obama economic adviser to leave the White House since July. In face, the only jobs opening up these days are for White House economic advisers."
Jimmy Fallon: "Yesterday, President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having to pay Obama's bill. Then China was like, 'Eh, you get used to it.'"
Jay Leno: "The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession actually ended in 2009. What idiots we were! So that recession you think you're in, that's as imaginary as the job you used to have."
Jay Leno: "President Obama spoke to students this week and told them to stay focused and stay in school. You know why? Because there are no jobs out there." Jay Leno: "Nancy Pelosi's Republican opponent, John Dennis, has an ad where he depicts Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of the West. Pelosi is very angry and the Wicked Witch is even angrier." Jimmy Kimmel: "Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street."
Jimmy Kimmel: "You know things are bad when even criminals can't find work in this country."
Jay Leno: "President Obama insisted that the U.S. economy is still showing improvement. And he said you can take that to the bank, if you can find any that are still open." Jay Leno: "According to a new report, 41 of President Obama's staffers now owe the government more than $831,000 in back taxes. When asked if they could just keep avoiding taxes, they said, 'Yes we can! Yes we can!'" Craig Ferguson: "It's a great day for the leader of the free world. Of course, I'm talking about Oprah."
Jimmy Fallon: "Newt Gingrich said President Obama is out of touch with how the world works. Then Gingrich was like, 'Hold on, I think someone is faxing me something.'"
Jay Leno: "According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So, follow me: In other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist." Jay Leno: "The Atlantic had a big article on the inevitability of Israel going to war with Iran over building nuclear weapons. But the White House thinks that strong economic sanctions will bring them to their knees, raise unemployment, and cause their factories to close –- the same way those economic sanctions worked right here." Jimmy Fallon: "Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin's supporters couldn't find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Florida pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran, then he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an imam to stop the plan to build a mosque near Ground Zero. The imam said that wasn't true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He's like the Brett Favre of burning books."
Jay Leno: "President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything." Jay Leno: "There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunchtime -- 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to." Jay Leno: "President Obama has introduced a $50 billion plan to rebuild the nation's infrastructure. Now, let's think back, remember the first $187 billion stimulus package, wasn't that what that was supposed to do? Remember when we were told about what were called shovel-ready jobs? Whenever Washington talks about shovel-ready jobs, get your shovel ready." Craig Ferguson: "So far, rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet."
Jay Leno: "U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress." Jay Leno: "Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska." Jay Leno: "President Obama will be laying out a new economic plan. Apparently, we had an old economic plan." Jay Leno: "Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about."
David Letterman: "Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again." Jimmy Fallon: "At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a five-year-old to use the bathroom." Jay Leno: "President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two-state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion." Craig Ferguson: "The Department of Labor has launched a new Web site to help unemployed Americans. President Obama said the Web site is amazing and he can't wait to check it out in a few years."
Jay Leno: "In only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke. Welcome aboard!" Jay Leno: "Before President Obama's address, he called former President George W. Bush. I'm not saying the economy is bad, but he called collect." Jay Leno: "I guess they had a pretty cordial conversation. President Bush said for the last 19 months, he's been relaxing and playing golf. President Obama said, 'You too?'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology." Jimmy Kimmel: "I don't understand why the President has to drive. He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere." Jimmy Kimmel: "After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The President was in Florida to promote tourism in the Gulf. He even jumped into the Gulf to prove it was safe. Unfortunately, he did a cannonball right onto a pelican."
Jay Leno: "The White House is defending President Obama's sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need."
Jay Leno: "According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won't be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Well, join the club." Craig Ferguson: "Arnold Schwarzenegger is only in the movie "The Expendables" for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor."
Jay Leno: "The New Orleans Saints visited the White House. They presented President Obama with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact, he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska." Jay Leno: "If anyone is looking for a job, there's an opening for a flight attendant at JetBlue. … Steven Slater, the famous JetBlue flight attendant, dropped so many F-bombs on that plane that he got a thumbs-up from Joe Biden." Craig Ferguson: "Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a license. Officials haven't issued a statement yet. They're busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles."
Jay Leno: "A JetBlue flight attendant cursed out passengers, grabbed two beers, slid down the chute and took off. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers." Jay Leno: "This flight attendant really went crazy. The good news: terrorists are now afraid to fly." Jay Leno: "President Obama announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family." Jay Leno: "The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government's most successful enterprise."
Jay Leno: "This week in 1861, the first federal income tax was instituted to pay for the Civil War. These days, we don't worry about that kind of stuff. Our wars are paid for by our grandchildren." Jimmy Kimmel: "Yesterday was President Obama's birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media."
Craig Ferguson: "President Obama had dinner with Oprah and her friend Gayle on his birthday. Gayle said it was an honor to have dinner with the leader of the free world and President Obama." Jay Leno: "In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule." Jay Leno: "Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush." Jay Leno: "They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." David Letterman: "The president is 49 years old, but it's never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating." Jimmy Fallon: "Today was President Obama's birthday. All the Democrats were like 'How old are you now,' while the Republicans were like 'And where were you born?'"
Craig Ferguson: "Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'" Jay Leno: "President Obama is going on 'The View' to talk about the economy. Later on, he'll go to 'General Hospital' to explain to doctors how the new healthcare system works." Jay Leno: "Continental announced a new feature called 'self-boarding.' There's no ticket agent taking your boarding pass anymore, and you scan it yourself as you board the plane. It's part of Continental's 'Terrorists Fly Hassle-Free' program." Craig Ferguson: "A federal judge has blocked Arizona's immigration law. Immigrants have been celebrating and throwing confetti. The governor of Arizona said, 'Sure, now they're showing us their papers.'"
Jay Leno: "We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud." Jay Leno: "Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time 'BP' and 'integrity' have ever been used in the same sentence." Jimmy Fallon: "BP says it finally stopped the oil from leaking. And if we've learned anything in the last three months, it's that whatever BP says, BP says." Jay Leno: "The White House announced today that the stimulus package saved 3 million jobs. But they said there's still more jobs that need to be saved President Obama's, Joe Biden's, Harry Reid's, Nancy Pelosi's…"
Jay Leno: "President Obama announced the appointment of a new White House budget director, which is pretty surprising. Did you know the White House has a budget director? What the hell has he been doing?" Jay Leno: "Cuban leader Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television the other night. It's a Cuban show called 'Cuba's Got Talent, but America's Got Food, Water, Shelter, Medicine, Cars." David Letterman: "This just in: President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia." David Letterman: "George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog."
Jay Leno: "Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser." Jay Leno: "While Vice President Biden was away, Republican Chairman Michael Steele was forced to take over the job of saying embarrassing things you have to apologize for later." Jay Leno: "Well, there was talk the Democrats are going to try and pass an immigration bill this year, but it looks like that's not going to happen. It's kind of ironic. The only place that has an immigration plan is Mexico, and their plan is to immigrate here." Jay Leno: "This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt."
Jay Leno: "The East Coast is suffering from a terrible heat wave. Wall Street bankers are jumping out of windows just for the cool breeze on the way down." Jay Leno: "Queen Elizabeth is visiting New York City for the first time since 1976. I understand she's trying to help them recruit LeBron James." Jay Leno: "Back in 1776, Americans were fighting to escape British rule, these days we're fighting to escape British oil." Jay Leno: "Iran has banned the mullet. Today, the state of Kentucky broke off all diplomatic relations with Iran."
Jay Leno: "The U.S. Navy announced this week they are now using sea lions to fight terrorism. They did a drill this week where they hid a bomb underwater. A trained sea lion found the bomb in less than a minute. The bad news? He then balanced the bomb on his nose, threw it back at the trainer." Jay Leno: "There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people."
David Letterman: "You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? He bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans."
Jimmy Fallon: "Last night, at the big White House state dinner, Capricia Marshall, the U.S. chief of protocol, slipped on the White House steps right next to the Obamas. It was such a nasty spill that BP showed up and tried to put a top hat on her."
Jimmy Fallon: "Under President Obama's new airport security plan, anyone traveling to the US will be stopped if they match the description of a potential terrorist. Wait, we weren't doing this already?"
Jimmy Fallon: "Last night, President Obama gave a speech at the Boston Opera House. It was a long night, because you know what they say about the opera: 'It ain't over until the fat lady gets lectured on her eating habits by Michelle Obama.'"
Jay Leno: "President Obama announced this week that he is opening more sites for offshore oil drilling. Do you know what that means? If we find enough oil, we could one day invade ourselves."
Jay Leno: "This is my favorite story of the week. The Republican National Committee is in trouble after spending nearly $2,000 at a...bondage club in Hollywood. You know what I call a Republican that spends a lot of money in a strip club? A Democrat."
Jay Leno: "In fact, one eyewitness said 'some of the things going on in the club were almost too masochistic for the Republicans to watch.' .. Like in one room, there was a video being played over and over of President Obama signing the healthcare bill."
David Letterman: "Census time, ladies and gentlemen. ... President Obama filled out his Census. I felt bad for the guy. Like he needs another reminder that he lives with his mother-in-law."
Jay Leno: "And it looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain."
Jay Leno: "Did you see John McCain with Sarah Palin next to him over the weekend? At first I thought it was Buzz Aldrin on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"
David Letterman: Top Ten Highlights Of Barack Obama's Oil Drilling Plan. "10. Everyone in America gets a free Sunoco travel mug. 9. Promises not to kill any endangered animals except the really tasty ones. 8. Kids drill free. 7. Drilling won't affect Scott Brown's visits to the beach. 6. Most extensive exploratory undertaking since Harry Smith's colonoscopy. 5. What? What? Ricky Martin's gay? 4. Fifty barrels of oil reserved each year for Mitt Romney's hair – zing! 3. Boys at Halliburton seem happy, which is good enough for us! 2. Provision for drilling the sun for solar power. 1. Drilling will begin in Glenn Beck's yard."
Jimmy Fallon: "Hey, you guys, baseball season starts next week. And President Obama is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden will be on hand to make the first error."
Jimmy Fallon: "You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president. That would be a good story. Think about that one."
Jay Leno: "You know, I was thinking about this healthcare problem. If you took all the money the Republicans have spent to stop healthcare and all the money Democrats have spent trying to get healthcare, we could afford healthcare."
David Letterman: "Congress is getting ready to vote on President Obama's healthcare bill. It's going to be a close vote. ... The House Democrats say it could be a real tickle fight."
Jimmy Fallon: "C-SPAN is uploading 23 years of video on the Internet. Or if you want to get the sensation of watching 23 years of C-SPAN, just watch 2 minutes of C-SPAN."
Jay Leno: "Representative Charles Rangel, the Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They've been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics."
Jimmy Fallon: "Karl Rove's new memoir, 'Courage and Consequence,' is coming out next week. Not sure if 'Courage and Consequence' is how most people would describe the Bush years but, I guess, it does sound better than 'Oopsies.'"
Jay Leno: "President Obama called Coakley and said, 'Well, we can't win them all.' The same thing he said after the New Jersey governor's race, the Virginia governor's race, 2016 Olympic bid, and the Copenhagen Climate Summit."
Craig Ferguson: "It was a year ago today that the President moved into the White House. An since that time, his hair's gone gray, he's made some people mad at him, he's let down...quite a lot of his supporters, which makes him perfect for his new job, host of 'The Tonight Show.'"
David Letterman: "Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and…the trouble they're having with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien? … I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer."
Conan O'Brien: "If he's convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in federal prison. ... But even worse, for the rest of his life, he'll be known as the underwear bomber."
Conan O'Brien: "Next week, President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. ... Or, as the Big Three automakers put it, 'The new owner is coming for a visit.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. ... Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to attend a state dinner."
Jimmy Fallon: "That couple that crashed the White House state dinner back in November...[is] hosting a party at a nightclub in Las Vegas next weekend. But to get in you have to not be on the list."
Jay Leno: "I guess you heard about that kid that tried to blow up the plane on Christmas Day with a bomb he had hidden in his underwear. Before he could get the bomb lit, some hero passengers grabbed him. They dragged him into first class. See, I had no idea that's how you got upgraded on Delta. I thought it was a point system."
Jay Leno: "After it was announced that Senate Foreign Relations Chairman John Kerry may go to Iran, the mullahs denied him an entry visa. … See, that's how international travel works. If your name is Senator John Kerry and you're a former candidate for President of the United States, your travel is limited. If your name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, you stow a bomb in your underpants, you pay cash for a one-way ticket after your father called the embassy and said, 'My kid is an idiot,' ooh, you can go anywhere you want."
Jay Leno: "Rush Limbaugh is okay after being released from a Hawaiian hospital after a heart scare. … Fox News sent flowers, MSNBC sent cheese fries."
Jay Leno: "Actually, no one knows…what caused Rush Limbaugh's chest pains. But if you're Rush Limbaugh, it could've been a number of things. I mean, the economy's getting better, the healthcare bill is going to pass; the Republicans are having trouble raising money. It could be any one of those things."
Jay Leno: "Well, according to MSNBC, President Obama's approval rating has now dipped below 50%. To tell you how bad it is, people are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House."
Jay Leno: "Remember the phrase, 'hope and change'? They amended it today. Now it's 'don't give up hope, nothing is going to change.'"
Jay Leno: "And listen to this. After one single senator, just one senator -- Joe Lieberman of Connecticut -- was able to block passage of the Medicare buy-in provision of that healthcare bill, some people are calling for the Senate to begin experimenting with a whole new way of doing business. Yeah, it's called majority rules. They're thinking of trying it to see how it works."
Jay Leno: "Well, on the news today, people are complaining that we can't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bin Laden in Afghanistan? We can't even find Tiger Woods in Florida."
David Letterman: "Well, here's good news, I think. The Democrats down in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass a healthcare bill. … That's 58 Democrats and the Salahis. They're going to go in there and vote."
David Letterman: "But they don't think that the healthcare bill will get passed before Christmas, unless they switch to the Mayan calendar."
Jimmy Fallon: "According to a 'New York Times'/CBS News poll, 26% of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74% blame the fact that they majored in English literature."
Jimmy Kimmel: "It's hard to believe there's only two weeks left in 2009. President Obama is already said to be hard at work on his New Year's resolutions. His plan for 2010 is to do all the things he said he was going to do this year."
Jay Leno: "President Obama today agreed to commit an additional 40,000 troops to help fight Fox News."
Jay Leno: "It's getting ugly in the press room. Well, senior White House adviser David Axelrod told reporters that Fox News is just pushing a point of view. Well, yeah. But at least they got a point of view."
Jay Leno: "President Obama went to New Orleans today to check up on the rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'There was a hurricane in New Orleans?'"
Conan O'Brien: "A new poll just came out that shows that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama." Clinton "said she's thrilled....to win a popularity contest a year after it matters."
Conan O'Brien: "One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' ... Not so popular: 'Congressman Barney Frankenstein.'"
David Letterman: "The Dow hit 10,000. ... I can tell though that my portfolio is starting to bounce back. ... Relatives are asking for money again."
Jimmy Fallon: "It was announced last night that President Obama wants to send $250 checks to over 57 million American seniors. When he heard the news, John McCain was like, 'Forget everything I said, this guy's awesome!'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said yesterday that if she had won the presidential election, she would have hired Barack Obama to serve in her cabinet. Come on, he's her boss. What is she going the say? 'That guy, Barack, he's terrible.'"
Jon Stewart: "Stocks have rebounded 53 percent just since March, for, no apparent reason whatsoever. And seeing as you probably didn't buy in March, only 47 percent more to go and you'll have broken even."
Stephen Colbert: "The Dow hits 10,000. People were celebrating in the streets -- unless those were unemployment lines."
Jay Leno: "Actually, when Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good."
David Letterman: "Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you."
David Letterman: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's a brand new segment for the show. It's called 'Things More Fun Than Reading The Sarah Palin Memoir.' ... 'Number 38: Having your arm ripped off by a shark.'"
David Letterman: "It's the 60th anniversary of China. ... And the reason we're celebrating here in the United States is because China owns all our debt."
Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin just finished writing her memoirs. ... And her publisher says -- this is a quote - 'It's her words, her life and it's all there in full and fascinating detail.' Yeah, then he said, 'Or so I'm told. I wouldn't read this thing if you put a gun in my mouth.'"
David Letterman: "But if I could now, in all seriousness, I'd like to say a couple of words about Ahmadinejad. Short and ugly."
David Letterman: "Hey, listen to this. You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She's traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well prepared it was compelling. It's a year late, but..."
Jimmy Fallon: "But tomorrow, President Obama will be the first president to chair the UN Security Council. That's pretty cool. Meanwhile, Joe Biden became the first vice president to spend six hours in a Brookstone massage chair."
Jimmy Fallon: "Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland today to reassure senior citizens about healthcare reform. The seniors didn't really care what Biden said in the speech, they were just happy to outlive it."
Conan O'Brien: "This Sunday, President Obama is going to appear on five different television shows. ... Even more amazing: On all five shows, he plays the wacky neighbor."
Jimmy Fallon: "Thank you, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, for saying that the recession is most likely over. Nothing puts me at ease and restores my confidence like a nice, firm 'most likely.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama is on a media campaign for his healthcare program. He'll appear this Sunday on 'This Week,' 'Meet the Press,' Face the Nation,' CNN's 'State of the Union,' and 'Univision.' Meanwhile, Vice President Biden will find out if he's the father on 'Maury Povich.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday at the White House, President Obama welcomed the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins. ... When asked if he likes hockey, Obama said, 'What black man from Hawaii doesn't?'"
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama gave another speech about healthcare, this one to a roomful of nurses. ... Still no word on what Bill Clinton was doing there."
Conan O'Brien: "Sen. Mel Martinez, the only Hispanic Republican in the Senate, officially stepped down. ... The Republican senator who replaced Martinez thanked him, and then had him deported."
David Letterman: "Don't worry about Paula Abdul. You know what she is going to do? I just heard this today. She's running for governor of Alaska."
Jimmy Fallon: "Everybody is talking about the big health speech last night. ... In his speech, President Obama said that he will not sign a healthcare plan that adds one dime to the federal deficit. And then he interrupted himself and said, 'You lie!'"
Jimmy Fallon: "The President said that he wants to bring affordable healthcare insurance to every American. Joe Biden got really excited. He thought he was finally going to meet the GEICO gecko."
Jimmy Kimmel: Rep. Joe Wilson "was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'"
David Letterman: "I remember when the Obamas first moved in and the Bush girls were given the Obama girls a tour of the White House. And the little girls got scared because they heard the organ music coming from Dick Cheney's underground dungeon."
Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America's schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. ... Yeah, then he said if that doesn't work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid."
Conan O' Brien: President Obama "told them, this is a quote, 'Be careful what you post on facebook.' That's what he said. Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally friended Joe Biden."
Craig Ferguson: "Some Republicans were so mad" about Obama's speech to schoolchildren, "they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to stuff a geek into a locker."
Jimmy Fallon: "The President also said that kids -- he told them if they study hard, the United States will continue to prosper. Then he added, 'But just to be safe, bone up on your Chinese.'"
Craig Ferguson: "It's a great day for...President Barack Obama. ... He's getting ready for a speech he's giving to schoolchildren tomorrow. And he...said he wants the speech to be at third grade level, so he tested it on Joe Biden."
Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today, governor Schwarzenegger was touring a neighborhood damaged by the fire, and he found a charred barbell. Did you see that? He did! He found a charred barbell and picked it up, yeah. Yeah, he picked up the barbell, held it to the sky and said, 'Now it's personal!'"
Conan O'Brien: "The latest rumor in Washington is that former vice President Dick Cheney may run for president in 2012. Yeah. Yeah, Cheney decided on 2012 because it's also his cholesterol level."
Conan O'Brien: "The two Asian American journalists who were held captive in North Korea and rescued by President Clinton? Well, they have finally written about their ordeals. That's right, yeah. The two women said, they were frightened, mistreated and violated -- then someone told Clinton to leave them alone."
David Letterman: "Dick Cheney ... He's denying now that he ordered torture. And he says you people who are saying this, go ahead, call it torture if you want, but where I come from, it's just good old-fashioned fun. ... Cheney says that water boarding is not only legal but it's aerobic."
David Letterman: "In 2012 the Republicans are now talking about the presidential ticket. Dick Cheney and running as Vice President Sarah Palin. Huh? Talk about your dream ticket, ladies and gentlemen. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. ... But Sarah apparently is making some dough. She's going around the world speaking. She's got a gig over in China. Very excited because she thinks China is a red state."
Jimmy Fallon: "The President is going to deliver his speech to the nation's schoolchildren next Tuesday. It will be about how if you study hard, you can become the most popular person in the world for eight months, then, suddenly, not so much."
Jimmy Fallon: "Wednesday, Obama will deliver a major primetime health care speech to a joint session of Congress. Side effects may include headaches, nausea and dizziness."
Jimmy Kimmel: "This is a crazy story. Have you heard about the guards at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan? ... You have to imagine when you go to work at a company called Wackenhut, there are going to be some shenanigans. They released some photographs and I thought it would be fun to play a game. These are real photographs. You guess whether it was taken at the U.S. Embassy in Afghanistan or during spring break on the Mexican Riviera."
Conan O'Brien: "State Department's conducting a big investigation into a wild party thrown at the U.S. embassy in Afghanistan. ... Of course, in Afghanistan, a wild party is any event where a girl takes her socks off."
Conan O'Brien: "In an interview, President Obama has said that picking up his dog Bo's poop is one of the highlights of his day. ... The interview was published in 'The Journal of Depressing Metaphors for the State of America.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Elmo from 'Sesame Street' is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. ... Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it."
David Letterman: "But now, [Dick Cheney] can't keep his mouth closed, and he's talking about he's really upset with the Obama Administration about the CIA torture probe. He said he can't stand it. He said it's a huge mistake and we shouldn't be doing it. ... And then he went back to his mountain fortress to create a mate for his monster."
Jimmy Fallon: "Summer vacation's sadly coming to an end. Not for the Obama family. They just got back from Martha's Vineyard. And now they're going on another vacation to Camp David. ... Joe Biden is really excited for the car trip. He loves sticking his head out the window."
Jimmy Fallon: "The Toyota Camry is the number one selling car in the U.S., because of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. ... I think Obama's getting a little carried away. Now he's letting people trade in old American children for newer Japanese children."
Jimmy Fallon: "Things are getting tough for President Obama. Every day, he slips a couple of points in the approval. He's now at 45%, mainly because of this health care thing. You know things are bad. Today, Bo refused to go to the vet if he had to use the public option."
Conan O'Brien: "Of course, the health care debate is raging. And yesterday, John McCain spoke to nearly 100 doctors and nurses. ... It wasn't a political meeting. It was McCain's annual checkup."
Conan O'Brien: "A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85% finished with her book...which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book."
Conan O'Brien: "Reporters in Washington are saying that President Obama's hair has gotten visibly grayer in the seven months since he took office. ... Amazingly, each of his gray hairs is the result of a black hair and a white hair being brought together by Obama last year."
David Letterman: "It's interesting to me that since they've been out of office, Dick Cheney has really got his nose out of joint. Have you noticed this? He's out there. He's upset. He's attacking people. He's shooting his mouth off. And now he is criticizing the Obama Administration for looking into the CIA torture policy. ... He says...'You shouldn't be looking into the CIA torturing policy.' He made that announcement, then...he went back to his private island to hunt human prey."
Craig Ferguson: "Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway."
David Letterman: "Well, the Obama family is taking a vacation up there in Martha's Vineyard. It is a good time for the President to take a vacation, I think. I mean, everything is fixed, right? Well, why not knock off?"
David Letterman: "Did you hear about this? ... According to financial experts, including Ben Bernanke, the recession may be over. Great, wait till we tell the 11 million people without jobs!"
Conan O'Brien: "A lot of new information coming out about the CIA interrogation techniques. They're investigating the CIA on interrogation of terror suspects. And it was reported now that CIA torture techniques include making terror suspects wear diapers. ... The CIA calls this technique 'The Larry King.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain...had an out of control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. ... I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin."
Conan O'Brien: "Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. ... His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies."
David Letterman: "Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke" will "serve four more years, or until the United States becomes a colony of China."
David Letterman: "But...on Martha's Vineyard, they're serving a new drink inspired by Obama – it's an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn't look so bad."
Conan O'Brien: "The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha's Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. ... That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama."
David Letterman: "Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night's show."
David Letterman: "Happy birthday to former President Bill Clinton -- 63 years old. ... And you know, when someone famous like that has a birthday, people think, well, should we get him something? ... Don't worry about Bill. He's fine. He's doing great. His wife is out of the country most of the time. He couldn't be happier."
David Letterman: "Yesterday, Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. ... I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. ... Obama can't even get them together in the White House for a beer."
David Letterman: "You think it's hot here in New York City, it's also hot down in Washington, D.C. It's so hot in Washington, D.C., that today, President Obama invited Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sergeant Crowley to the White House to run through the sprinkler."
David Letterman: "Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let's get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I'm with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil... And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a 'CSI' show."
David Letterman: "People are worried that, if the health care plan that the President wants goes through, that a death panel will decide what life-sustaining measures should be applied to...the elderly. ... Well, you know, it's the same thing ABC does with Regis."
David Letterman: "Hot...in New York City today. ... It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel."
David Letterman: "The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that."
David Letterman: "Happy birthday to Madonna -- 51 years old on Saturday. ... And I thought this was nice. President Obama phoned Madonna on her birthday and reassured her that no one was going to pull the plug on her."
Conan O'Brien: "Tomorrow, President Obama is taking his family to Yellowstone Park, to see Old Faithful. ... Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton returns from overseas to see Old Unfaithful."
Conan O'Brien: "No, President Obama was in Montana today. ... He met with residents. He held a town hall meeting, and then he went fly fishing. ... Montana residents came from miles around for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see a black guy fly fishing."
Jimmy Fallon: "John Edwards...finally admitted that he's the father of his mistress' baby after denying it for over a year. So, it's a pretty classic case of whoever denied it, supplied it."
Jimmy Fallon: "Edwards says he's ashamed, he can hardly look himself in the mirror. On the bright side, that frees up an extra four hours a day for him."
Conan O'Brien: "Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. … Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words."
Conan O'Brien: "Former President Bill Clinton was recently asked about his wife Hillary's 11-day trip to Africa. And he said, "I wish she were home." … Then he said, "By which I mean, I wish her home was Africa."
Conan O'Brien: "Speaking of former President Clinton -- have you heard about this? There are two American male hikers and one female hiker imprisoned in Iran. Some people are saying Bill Clinton should go rescue them. … When asked about the idea, Clinton said, "I am one-third on it."
Jimmy Fallon: "Dick Cheney is back in the news. … He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face."
Jimmy Fallon: "And this happens with every administration. I mean, Obama only listened to Joe Biden for -- never." Jimmy Fallon: "Cheney…also explained that the statute of limitations has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said, "I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open? Got to climb in the torch."
Jimmy Fallon: "A very happy birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. ... As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence."
Jimmy Fallon: "Hey, at a concert in Washington, DC, Paul McCartney dedicated the song 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song 'Taxman' to Barack."
David Letterman: "But I thought her remarks were very thoughtful. In her farewell address, she warned people…of the military-industrial complex. Sarah Palin says look out for the military-industrial complex. And she also reminded folks that doughnuts make you hippy."
David Letterman: "And I thought this was only to be expected. Sarah Palin took a swipe at certain people in the media. Gosh, I wonder who she had in mind."
David Letterman: "Big beer fest at the White House. And today, Obama sent Vice President Biden on an emergency goodwill mission for pretzels, so that will be good."
David Letterman: "But here it is. You have Crowley and you have Gates. And tempers flared. Case of mistaken identity. You have anger. You have accusations. You have name-calling. Sure, let's add alcohol! Let's go, let's pick it up! Why not?"
David Letterman: "You know what they're saying, that President Obama is trying to do too much too soon. You have heard that criticism? They criticized him for trying to do too much too soon and the fact that he wears baggie jeans. No wonder his poll numbers are going down."
David Letterman: "But it's too much too soon. Just kind of the opposite of President Bush, too little too late."
Craig Ferguson: "The US Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. … When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell."
Jimmy Fallon: "Yesterday, Sarah Palin gave her last speech before resigning as governor of Alaska. It was a very fiery speech. She was mad. I mean, she blasted the media, Hollywood, two bears, and a moose."
Jimmy Fallon: "The White House press secretary, Robert Gibbs, said that Twitter is now blocked on every White House computer. Gibbs said, 'Sorry, I will not give a specific reason on why we are blocking Twitter. This concerns international White House – okay, it was Biden. He was playing around again.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama held another press conference tonight, preempting all the major networks again. He does this every week now. It's time for Oprah to give him a show."
Jimmy Kimmel: "And the White House actually -- this is true -- rescheduled the President. They moved it up an hour from 9:00 to 8:00 because NBC complained it would interfere with 'America's Got Talent'. So in other words, the President of the United States moved his press conference to accommodate a show David Hasselhoff is on. I think Clinton did that for 'Baywatch' once."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. ... After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'If there's one thing Hillary's good at, it's making the light go out of your life.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. ... It's the first real cut of the Obama Administration."
Craig Ferguson: "President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff, annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden."
Jimmy Fallon: "Bill Clinton revealed that he now supports same sex marriage, even though he opposed it during his presidency. To be fair, during his presidency, he also opposed his own marriage."
Conan O'Brien: "Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. … Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through."
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama's in Italy to attend the G-8 summit, and he praised the Italians for being our 'great allies.' … He went on to say, 'Except, of course, for any time we've ever been to war.'"
Conan O'Brien: "This is weird. It's been reported that Saddam Hussein's gun will be on display in George W. Bush's presidential library. … Apparently, the gun will be on display right next to the book."
Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today, Sanford apologized to his cabinet for having the affair with an Argentinean woman. And in response, his cabinet members said, 'An apology is not good enough, we want photos.'"
Conan O'Brien: "In Iran…opposition groups have announced that from now on, they're going to hold their protest rallies online. … Protestors say they're going to overthrow the Iranian regime, then they're going after that YouTube cat that plays the piano."
Conan O'Brien: "At a press conference yesterday, in case you don't know, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. … Then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five."
Conan O'Brien: "A British furniture company was caught trying to slip advertisements into Twitter by linking them to the Iranian election crisis. … Probably the most shameless had to be, 'Tired of all the unrest? Try our Serta Perfect Sleeper.'"
David Letterman: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'The Late Show.' My name is Dave, or as the governor of South Carolina would say, gracias!"
David Letterman: "Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked…the 148% of the people who voted for him."
David Letterman: "President Obama was so upset about the Iranian crackdown…that he told the Iranian diplomats that they would not be invited to the Fourth of July party. … And I said, well, by God, that will teach them right there."
David Letterman: "And it's a darn shame because Ahmadinejad makes wonderful potato salad."
David Letterman: "Turned out the governor…disappears, for like, the weekend. … Finally, his staff said, 'Don't worry about the Governor, he is on the Appalachian Trail hiking.'" But it "turns out he was in South America. And it turned out he was down there because he was…with a woman from Argentina. … Seeing a woman from Argentina named Maria. … And I was thinking Judge Sotomayor was apparently wrong because Latina woman don't necessarily have better judgment than white men."
David Letterman: "What if there is trouble and you can't find the governor. Well, how does that make you feel? Horrible, doesn't it? And I'm thinking, South Carolina, what if they get the call that North Carolina is invading."
Jimmy Fallon: "Sorry if you were looking for me before the show. I was just hiking the Appalachian Trail."
Jimmy Fallon: "There's another new development in that Mark Sanford story. His wife, Jenny, kicked him out of their home when she heard about the affair. In response, Hillary Clinton said, 'Wait, you can do that?'"
Conan O'Brien: "Today the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who's the head of the Republican Governors Association, held a press conference to reveal he had an affair with a woman from Argentina. … People were shocked because Republicans traditionally don't do well with Hispanic women."
Conan O'Brien: "Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. … Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. … I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Conan O'Brien: "Toyota has begun production on a Prius Hearse which they say will be better for the environment than the traditional gas-powered hearse. … Experts say it's the perfect way to tell everyone at your funeral procession, 'I'm judging you from beyond the grave.'"
David Letterman: Top Ten Governor Mark Sanford Excuses: "10. Did I say hiking? I meant cheating. 9. Had to do something after devastating news about Jon and Kate. 8. I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer. 7. Let's talk about more important issues like the Nestle Toll House cookie recall. 6. I learned everything I know from Governor McGreevey. 5. It's Ahmadinejad's fault. 4. If you met my wife you'd be fleeing the country too, am I right fellas? 3. Putting together my audition tape for 'The Amazing Race'. 2. If you run a state and decide to leave the country for a week, since when do you have to tell someone? 1. It wasn't me, it was my hilarious alter ego, Bruno."
David Letterman: "You guys remember Dick Cheney? Vice President for eight years? … Listen to this -- and by all means try to stay in your seats when you hear the news. Don't be rushing out to bookstores. He's written a memoir about his life. Not just a memoir, a thousand pages! … It's a great book. You can actually use it to stand on to reach a better book."
David Letterman: "And…President Obama, this guy takes everything seriously. He's very upset about what's going on in Iran. As a matter of fact, today he announced that he's going to stop smoking Camels."
Craig Ferguson: "Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? ... He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was." Today, Sanford "admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses."
Craig Ferguson: "The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. … You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura."
Jimmy Fallon: "Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina -- this just keeps getting weirder. He was missing for five days. He finally showed up. He claimed that he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then just today, he revealed that he was not hiking in the Appalachian Mountains, he was in Argentina the entire time -- in Argentina, where he was having an extramarital affair. Wow! It all seems insane until you realize who his mistress is -- Carmen San Diego."
Jimmy Fallon: "On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Needless to say, this is not great news for the Republican Party. So many prominent Republicans have been caught in these types of situations lately: Mark Sanford; Larry Craig; David Vitter; John Ensign from Nevada. And you want to know why this is happening? The gays. That's right. They've destroyed the institution of marriage and now this is what we get."
Conan O'Brien: "The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named the USS John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Well, actually, the Navy didn't dispatch the John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own."
Conan O'Brien: "The mayor of Los Angeles, Antonio Villaraigosa, announced he is not…going to run for governor of California. … Villaraigosa realized he had no chance of becoming governor of California because he was born in this country and you can understand every word he says."
David Letterman: "Do you know anything about this…swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? … He's in jail now and they haven't even sentenced the guy yet. But he's in the cooler right now. And he is barred -- I heard this today -- barred from working in the securities industry. I'm thinking, well, great. How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?"
David Letterman: "Bernie could be going away for 150 years. Whoa, man, that's a long time. I mean, when he gets out, the Republicans could be back in."
David Letterman: "Ahmadinejad has declared himself the winner of the election and is planning his inauguration. And I said, 'Well, why not? The country is really in a party mood. Let's go. Let's get those plans in order. Let's have some fun.'"
David Letterman: "Anybody here from South Carolina? … Well, their governor, their Governor Mark Sanford…just disappears for four days. … Literally, takes a hike. He's out. And now, he's back. And he says, 'Well what's the big deal? I was just on a vacation to clear my head.' You see, we never had that head-clearing problem with Bush. You know what I mean?"
David Letterman: "This is a big story because his wife, the governor's wife, had no idea where the guy was for four days. And today he gets a call from Bill Clinton saying, 'Hey, who's your travel agent? Who, where, how do I – how do I get in on this?'"
David Letterman: "Here's a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I'm kind of afraid to say anything."
Jimmy Fallon: "Everybody, the Department of Homeland Security says that they will no longer use any US spy satellites for domestic surveillance. In other words, yes, they will."
Conan O'Brien: "Nice vote of confidence for President Obama this weekend. … John McCain, of all people, said that President Obama has 'done well' during his first few months in office. … In fact, McCain's so proud of Obama, he sent him a card with a five dollar bill inside."
Conan O'Brien: "According to a new report, Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. … The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers."
Conan O'Brien: "Today, President Obama signed a bill that prevents tobacco companies from using misleading labels like 'low tar' and 'light.' … The tobacco companies…said from now on they'll label their low tar cigarettes as 'less cancerific.'"
David Letterman: "President Barack Obama's approval rating" of "61%, which I thought was staggeringly high, has now dropped to 56%. … So don't kid yourselves. Hillary could still win this thing."
David Letterman: "You folks following the Iranian elections? … Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner. And lots of protests. … And it got to be so crazy that Iran's supreme leader actually spoke live on television last night. And it preempted Al Jazeera's most popular show, their number one show over there, which is 'How I Met Your Camel.'"
David Letterman: "But the supreme leader said that the Iranian elections were not rigged. … Well, that's good enough for me."
Jimmy Fallon: "Hillary Clinton is expected to make a full recovery after having surgery to repair her broken right elbow. … Yeah, doctors say she'll be able to point and crazy smile at people in no time."
Conan O'Brien: "Of course, the big news, the Iranian government trying very hard now to legitimize their election. That's the big story in the world right now. Today, Iran's supreme leader declared last week's presidential election 'an absolute victory.' … Then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA championship."
Conan O'Brien: "Speaking of basketball, today, President Barack Obama spoke on the phone with Lakers Coach Phil Jackson and with Dan Bylsma, coach of the Stanley Cup-winning Pittsburgh Penguins. … And in a related story, Joe Biden had a conference call with Tito Jackson and an actual penguin."
Conan O'Brien: "On Wednesday night, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton broke her elbow. So, yesterday, she worked from home…which explains why Bill Clinton spent the day in the backyard forming the words 'help me' with garden gnomes."
Conan O'Brien: "China is working with Google to block Chinese computer users from accessing pornographic websites. … Chinese officials say the exploitation of young, underage women is reprehensible when it takes place outside a factory."
David Letterman: "Tomorrow begins Gay Pride Week here in New York City. … I love the Gay Pride Week. Where else can you see 300 guys dressed up like Sarah Palin?"
Jimmy Fallon: "Today, Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, said there's no fraud in the election. The results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don't know. I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders -- Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme and, of course, Diana Ross."
Conan O'Brien: "A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran now. And I mean everybody's worried. This is a true story. … Ashton Kutcher is urging the US government not to intervene in the crisis in Iran because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. … President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice, said he'd get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers."
Conan O'Brien: "The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. … Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life."
David Letterman: "And by the way, if…you haven't bought dad a gift for Father's Day, you can't go wrong with the new book by Rush Limbaugh. You know the one I'm talking about? 'Too Fat to Fish.'"
David Letterman: "Here's fascinating news. Dick Cheney, do you remember Dick Cheney? Dick 'Boom Boom' Cheney. His approval rating is up to 26%, up to 26%. Yeah, crazy, isn't it? … He's been upgraded from hated to unpopular."
Craig Ferguson: "Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. She fell down, broke her elbow. … You know, Fox News is going to be all over this story. This proves the Democrats are weak. Reagan fell over 10 times, didn't even break his hair."
Craig Ferguson: "Now the official report said that Hillary fell while she was walking to her car in the parking lot of the State Department. But Hillary likes to exaggerate, so she's telling everybody it was sniper fire."
Jimmy Fallon: "Big election news from Iran. A British newspaper reported that Mir Hossein Mousavi actually won the election and Ahmadinejad came in third. And coming in second, Al Gore. … The guy can't win anything."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama" is "getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know, the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. … PETA said he should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have been a great message to send to North Korea."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Our secretary of state, Hillary Clinton, is in a cast. She fell and fractured her elbow. Fortunately, her scowl broke the fall, so she is okay."
Conan O'Brien: "President Obama gave the historic speech at Egypt's Cairo University. Yep. Yeah, the crowd at Cairo University loved Obama's speech, especially the joke he made about their rival, Cairo State."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama's continuing his world tour. Yesterday, he was in Egypt. Did you see that? He visited the pyramids of Giza and he called them 'awe-inspiring.' That was an improvement over President Bush's tour of the pyramids. He called them 'pointy.'"
David Letterman: "Rush Limbaugh, you know Rush Limbaugh? The new face of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh. He says now, listen to this, he says now that he might support Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Yes, depending on how much OxyContin he can get his hands on."
Jimmy Fallon: "The U.S. government accidentally released a confidential list of exact locations of nuclear sites around the country. Authorities have no idea who was responsible -- it was Biden. Okay. It was Joe Biden."
Jay Leno: "Do you realize when I started this show, my hair was black and the President was white?"
Jay Leno: "There were some tense moments yesterday here in Los Angeles with President Obama. A female reporter...carried, kicking and screaming, away from Air Force One after she insisted on handing President Obama a letter. They picked the woman up, forcibly, carried her away. Same thing they did when Joe Biden tried to get on the plane."
Jay Leno: "President Barack Obama's in Los Angeles tonight for a huge fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Actually, one awkward moment -- as Obama was entering the Beverly Hilton, he bumped into John Edwards, who was sneaking out."
Jay Leno: "People in Beverly Hills had a lot of questions for the President about health care. They wanted to make sure that tummy tucks and Brazilian butt lifts were covered under Medicare."
Jay Leno: "And we're learning more and more about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. … She grew up in New York City, close to Yankee Stadium. And she is still a lifelong Yankee fan, which works out great for her because…the Supreme Court's next session doesn't begin until October, and by that time, the Yankees are usually done with it."
Jay Leno: "Let me tell you something. These Supreme Court nominees have it a lot tougher being interviewed by President Obama because he used to be a constitutional law professor. So he knows what questions to ask. See, when Bill Clinton had female nominees, he just had the one question – 'Let's see how you look under that robe.'"
Jay Leno: "And during her confirmation hearings, Judge Sotomayor is going to get tough questions from the senators. But I think she'll be fine. I mean, this is a woman who spent her whole life in the courtroom, so she's used to be around criminals."
Jay Leno: "I read in the -- this seems a little scary -- in the paper today, President Obama had less than a one-hour warning of North Korea's nuclear tests. Yeah. Well, that's not bad when you realize he has absolutely no warning when Joe Biden's going to go off."
Jay Leno: "And during a speech at a high school, former President George W. Bush said he's really enjoying the fact that he's no longer president. Hey, join the club."
Jay Leno: "And the American College of Sports Medicine announced its list of the fittest cities in the United States. It's surprising -- you know what the number one fittest city is? … Washington, D.C. Number one. Yeah. I wouldn't have guessed that. But, see, it's from all of the Democrats running away from Nancy Pelosi, and all of the Republicans running away from Rush Limbaugh. So they all stay in shape. That's how it works."
Jay Leno: "Even with the recession, the price of gas continues to go up. And some economists say that's because speculators think the economy will turn around soon, and when things are good, gas prices are high. …But you know, when things are bad, gas prices are high. … I'm not an economist, but here's a wild thought. Maybe the oil companies are just trying to screw us."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Barack Obama's in Las Vegas. So, if things go well at the table, General Motors just might make it."
Jimmy Fallon: "Meanwhile, after running out of options, Chrysler headed to bankruptcy court this morning. That isn't good. They headed there in a brand new Mitsubishi. That was even worse."
Jimmy Fallon: "On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'reverse racist.' I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius."
Jay Leno: "No, if confirmed," Sotomayor "would be the country's first Hispanic judge. In fact, her first order of business, deporting Lou Dobbs."
Jay Leno: "Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, 'Oh, great, a Republican!'"
Jay Leno: "Judge Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won't sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails."
Jay Leno: "Well, over the weekend you know, there was some more back and forth between former Secretary of State Colin Powell and Rush Limbaugh. It's getting nasty. I don't know, General Powell versus Rush Limbaugh. You know, unless it's a pie eating contest, I gotta go with Powell, okay?"
Jay Leno: "North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney."
Jay Leno: "Actually, John Kerry is over [in China] with Nancy Pelosi right now. This is part of the Democrats' new plan to put all the people who say the wrong things in one place, you know? In fact, Joe Biden flying in as we speak."
Jimmy Fallon: "History was made today when President Obama nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor as the first female Hispanic justice to serve in the US Supreme court, today. Obama said this should help keep the court from leaning too far to the white."
Jay Leno: "Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. ... A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that...means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court."
Jay Leno: "Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over in China right now. Her office says the speaker will not be bringing up human rights abuses to the Chinese. She said that she's going to try to focus on common ground with China, like the fact that they both call the CIA liars."
Jimmy Fallon: "There's a lot of local pride in Obama's pick because Sonia Sotomayor grew up in the Bronx. Yeah, when reached for comment, she said, 'Don't be fooled by the robes that I got, I'm still, I'm still Sonia from the block.'"
Jay Leno: "I can't believe...Dick Cheney keeps giving speech. He's appearing on TV news shows. It's like he thinks he is still president, you know?"
Jimmy Fallon: "Have you heard about North Korea? They've detonated an underground nuclear weapon today, so I guess they'll be ready if they're ever attacked by gophers."
Jay Leno: "Hey, there was a private screening of 'Star Trek' at the White House over the weekend. And President Obama said he really liked the film. The best thing about private screenings, because we get to do them – it's not like seeing it with the public, you know, where there might be some moron talking through the whole movie. In fact, that's why they didn't tell Joe Biden."
David Letterman: "You know Vice President Joe Biden? ... Now they're saying...that he apparently had a couple of drinks and he was shooting his mouth off. And he announced the location of Vice President Dick Cheney -- the old Vice President -- his hiding place. ... And Joe Biden says, 'Well, I know where the heck it is. He had, like, a bunker under his house.' And I was thinking...if you're going to reveal secrets about something, why don't you reveal a secret about where bin Laden is hiding."
Jimmy Fallon: "Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. ... The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'"
Jay Leno: "General Motors announced they're closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM's new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama."
Jay Leno: "Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. ... He's been our savior here. 'Newsweek' is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks."
David Letterman: "Here's something that I am very excited about. Joe Biden, the current vice president, was yakking away over the weekend. And he -- remember when Dick Cheney...was in an undisclosed location and everybody thought – where? ... So supposedly top secret information, classified information. And Joe Biden just says, 'No, I know where he was. He was hiding under his house. ... Joe Biden is living proof that people can give up sensitive information without being tortured."
Jimmy Fallon: "In the new issue of 'Newsweek,' they're calling Barack Obama 'Spock with global sex appeal,' which is a bit of coincidence because 'Time' magazine is calling Joe Biden 'Chewbacca with fur plugs.'"
Jay Leno: "The economy is so bad, Nancy Pelosi now saying she was misled by E.F. Hutton."
Jay Leno: "Well, let's see what's going on about that whole torture thing. Last week, Nancy Pelosi said she was never briefed by the CIA about their harsh interrogation methods. ... And then after a memo proved she was there and did get briefed, she changed her story to, 'They're lying about me. And they never told me. They didn't tell me anything.'... In fairness to the CIA, they assumed she was paying attention because she didn't blink for three hours."
Jimmy Fallon: "This is a big controversy. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says that the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle."
David Letterman: "'Star Trek' opened today. They have updated things a bit. In this one, the Starship Enterprise is hijacked by Somali pirates."
Jay Leno: "Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada, and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work."
Jay Leno: "A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the President is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president."
Jay Leno: "As you may have heard, the White House has a brand-new puppy. I believe his name is Arlen Specter."
Jay Leno: Sen. Arlen Specter "has switched to the Democratic Party. Today, Obama told Republicans, 'Look, we'll give you Biden, call it even.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Right now I'm an hour away from a long, luxurious weekend of washing my hands every five minutes and loading my shotguns to fight off any swine flu zombies that might wander into my yard."
Jay Leno: Supreme Court justice "is a job for life. ... There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit."
Jay Leno: "Just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden."
David Letterman: Supreme Court Justice David Souter is "stepping down because he said he wants to spend more time judging his family."
Jay Leno: President Obama "told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks."
Jay Leno: "I don't think Joe Biden's going to catch swine flu, but it's pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease."
Jay Leno: "Arlen Specter has been a Republican" for a long time, so it has "got to be tough. ... For years you're lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you've got to start lying out the left side of your mouth."
David Letterman: "Do you know who is in town?" One of the Somali pirates is "on trial here in the United States." But he is not just in court. No, this pirate is "everywhere." For example, this weekend, "he's hosting 'Saturday Night Live.' Monday, he's attending the Tribeca Film Festival. Tuesday, he's going to launch his new fragrance. Wednesday, he's having lunch with Ruth Madoff. And Thursday he's going to hijack the Staten Island Ferry, so he's got a big, full schedule."
Jay Leno: "President Obama met with his entire Cabinet today. Well, sure, now that April 15th has passed, they've all come out of hiding."
David Letterman: Top Ten Things Overheard In The Meeting Between Barack Obama And Hugo Chavez: "10. 'Dónde está 'el Presidente dumb-a#@?' 9. 'Sorry, Mr. President, they don't sell Marlboros here.' 8. 'Let's get a picture of you shaking hands with Hugo Chavez to really piss off Rush Limbaugh.' 7. 'Mr. Chavez, I have a book for you too – Artie Lange's 'Too Fat To Fish." 6. 'Does this breakup mean Lindsay Lohan is back to dating guys?' 5. 'Remember, you can't spell Hugo without "hug."' 4. 'I can't believe they killed Edie on "Desperate Housewives."' 3. 'Does Biden really think he's fooling anybody with those plugs?' 2. 'I think there's one thing we can both agree on – there's a new star in the Hollywood galaxy by the name of Zac Efron.' 1. 'Is it too late for me to buy your Senate seat?'"
Jay Leno: "Sometimes we Americans, you know." Well, "climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming." As "if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs," and "their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'"
Craig Ferguson: "President Obama said today" he "wants to make the tax code so simple that even Joe Biden can understand it."
Craig Ferguson: "I've got no problem paying taxes. That's why I wasn't qualified to be in Obama's Cabinet."
Jimmy Fallon: "Well, hey, it's tax day today. ... It's Wednesday, April 15th. But if you don't get" your taxes "done in time, don't worry about it. The good news is you may be on your way to an Obama Cabinet position."
Jay Leno: "Anyway, they asked Captain Phillips what he's going to do now. And he said he's going to Disneyland to wipe out the Pirates of the Caribbean. So I think he's a little wound up."
David Letterman: "How about that story," with the pirates "off the coast of Somalia? Man, I mean, President Obama, this guy is getting it done, you know. He rounded up the Somali pirates" and the "Madoffs all in the same year. Looking pretty good."
Jimmy Fallon: "Well, the wait...is over. The Obamas have chosen a new White House dog." It is "a Portuguese water dog named Bo. Very cute dog. Their first choice" was "a wheaten terrier, but it was arrested for tax evasion."
Jay Leno: "Here's a sign of the times are a-changin'. The governor of Virginia has signed a new law banning smoking in bars and restaurants. In Virginia. See, that's significant because Virginia is, like, the tobacco state. That would be like the governor of California banning breast implants."
Jay Leno: "And three different customers at a grocery store in Queens, New York, all bought peppers that turned out to have bags of cocaine stuffed inside" them. Well, "you thought spicy food kept you up all night."
Jay Leno: "President Obama said this week that things will get worse before they get better. That's something you never hear before the election, you know? 'Let me tell you, if I get elected it's going to get a lot worse!'"
Jimmy Fallon: "Looking back at his presidential run this week, John McCain said that he got a lot of votes because of Sarah Palin. And weirdly enough, that's the same thing President Obama said."
Jimmy Fallon: "President Obama said yesterday that he believes that Osama bin Laden is plotting new attacks against the United States. Obama came up with this theory when he picked up any newspaper from the last eight years."
Jay Leno: "There was one embarrassing moment. Someone online said to the President, 'I'd like to meet with you sometime and tell you some of my ideas.' It was Joe Biden."
Jimmy Fallon: "Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush Administration during the economic crisis. It's weird. The book starts on chapter 11." yes I should
Jay Leno: "You know, we were also going to have Vice President Joe Biden come out and say a few words, but, you know, it's only an hour show."
Jimmy Fallon: "Big night for the network tonight. Barack Obama became the first sitting president to ever appear on a late night show. He was on 'Leno' tonight. Of course, it doesn't count the time Thomas Jefferson was on 'Larry King.'"
Jimmy Fallon: "I heard this today, a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden was released." On the tape, "he says he doesn't care what anyone says, he's not giving back his bonus money."
Jay Leno: "President Bush's first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17th in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office."
Jay Leno: "Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was 'From Hair to Paternity.'"
Jay Leno: "He spoke to the students at Brown about poverty and morals. Yeah, and who better to lecture young people about poverty and morals than a rich personal injury attorney who knocked up his mistress?"
Jay Leno: "The Department of Homeland Security plans to study the possibility that the human body -- that human body odor could be used to tell whether people are lying or not. You can smell someone and tell by their odor whether they're lying. You thought you hated your job?"
Jay Leno: "President Obama today came out against human cloning," but "I think he might be a little hasty here" because "there should be exceptions. For example, let's say Obama can find a nominee who has paid his taxes. Clone that guy."
Jimmy Fallon: "Republicans are attacking Barack Obama because he now wants to negotiate directly with the Taliban. Obama responded, 'Hey, right now I'd rather deal with the Taliban than with Republicans.'"
Jay Leno: "I love this story. The President's latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That's what the paper said today. He's agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?"
Jay Leno: "And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes." It is all part "of the government's 'Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.'"
Jay Leno: "Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I'm thinking, 'Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?' Have you…seen Rush lately?"
Jay Leno: "And according to a top Russian scholar, the US economy will collapse next year, which comes as a huge shock to most people. I think we thought it was going to collapse this year," so "we've got another year to party. Yeah!"
Jay Leno: "And Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scheme that screwed $50 billion out of people" is "now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I've got a solution for that, okay? It's called the death penalty."
David Letterman: "You guys know anything about this weasel, this rodent, Bernie Madoff? He "decided what he would do would be to swindle his friends. And so he did a pretty good job. He got them for…$50 billion," and "now his lovely wife" Ruth "was able to get 69 million. And she wants to keep that." She and her husband "say it's not fraud money, it's money they saved on gas by fully inflating their tires."
David Letterman: "Here's a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here's the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama." He is a "very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything," because the swing set "didn't cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney's guard tower."
Craig Ferguson: "According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they're worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they're sleeping under bridges."
Jimmy Fallon: "Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It's great. It's much nicer than the one George Bush used."
Jay Leno: "Actually, there were some optimistic words today from the Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke," who "told Congress the recession might end this year." Unfortunately, Bernanke "also said" pro football's "Detroit Lions could win the super Bowl and Paris Hilton could get an Oscar. So I don't know. He's a little out of there."
Jimmy Fallon: "Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan."
Jay Leno: "Hey, the Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. ... Actually, it's Obama's second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems."
Jay Leno: "I talked to one of my old high school buddies the other day. ... He did something so stupid. Apparently, he bought a house he could afford. He really should have bought one twice as big and let the taxpayers" take care of it. But "he was living within his means. What an idiot."
Jay Leno: "Yesterday, President Obama signed the stimulus bill in Denver, Colorado. He picked Denver because our debt is now a mile high."
Jay Leno: "President Obama, today, outlined his plan to deal with the mortgage mess and the housing crisis. The good news -- he thinks he's found a solution. The bad news -- it involves arson."
Jay Leno: "No, they said the stimulus package will give people an extra $13 in their paychecks. So, next time the bank starts closing in, you go, 'Hey, hey, hey! I got 13 smackaroonies coming in.'"
Jay Leno: "And, you know, you got to admit, President Obama gives great speeches. … Like, today," instead "of just saying, 'Oh, from North to South,' he said, 'From the windy plains of the Dakotas to the sunny skies of Arizona.'" That sounds "so much better than, 'From the sleaze ball criminal element of Wall Street to the broke-a@# beaches of California.'"
David Letterman: Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Wants To Accomplish On Her Trip Overseas: "10. Exchange US dollars for currency that's worth something. 9. Win respect defeating Japan's top-ranked sumo wrestler. 8. Shift world's perception of America from 'hated' to 'extremely disliked.' 7. Personally thank all of her illegal campaign donors. 6. Three words: stylish Indonesian pantsuits. 5. Visit burial site of revered Chinese military leader, General Tso. 4. Get drunk with that Japanese finance minister guy. 3. Convince China to switch from lead-tainted products to mercury-tainted products. 2. Catch Chinese screening of Benjamin Button entitled 'The Strange Adventures of Freaky Grandpa Baby.' 1. Pick up carton of duty-free smokes for Obama."
David Letterman: "They were talking to Hillary about what Bill gave her for Valentine's Day," and "I thought this was surprising – sexy lingerie. Well, he had to after she found it in his glove compartment."
David Letterman: "Here's what I don't get. President Obama" was in Denver today, where "he signed the $789 billion stimulus package. That's great, isn't it? What do we do when that money's gone? Where is that money going? I'm not getting any, you getting any? No, nobody's getting any. Six months, it'll be gone, ladies and gentlemen."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Obama today signed his trillion dollar economic stimulus bill into law." The "spending package passed through Congress with almost no Republican support, but Obama says he's still focused on bringing real bipartisanship to government. He even went so far as to send every Republican in Congress today a jar of peanuts, which I thought was nice."
Jay Leno: "Well, just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg…has withdrawn as the nominee for commerce secretary." In "a statement explaining why he turned it down, he…cited 'irresolvable conflict.' So, apparently, he must have paid his taxes."
Jay Leno: "Michigan Congressman John Dingell" has "set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the US House of Representatives. He's been there 19,421 days. That's the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place -- well, if you don't count Federal prison."
Jay Leno: "I tell you," the "economy is in bad shape. … In fact, airlines are now charging extra if you want peanuts without salmonella."
Jay Leno: "Well, today, the heads of the eight largest banks testified before Congress. Bank CEOs in a room full of politicians -- they had to flip a coin to see who's going to tell the first lie."
David Letterman: "I hate to be critical this early into the new Administration, but I don't know if this Timothy Geithner is the guy for the job. He may not be up to it. Turns out, he thought the Treasury Secretary...was in charge of buried treasure."
Jay Leno: "I miss the President Bush news conference. Like when they asked him a question, he'd go, 'Uh, can I have a hint?'"
Jay Leno: "And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, 'God wants me to serve.'" But here is "my question. How bad a candidate are you" if "you can't win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?"
Jay Leno: "Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay has filed to run for governor of California. … Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state's broke. If we're going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?"
Jay Leno: "Down in Louisiana," a "porn star named Stormy Daniels" announced that "before she commits to running for US Senate," she will go "on a statewide listening tour." Daniels added, and "I'm quoting" here, that she may "'be a slut and a whore, but'" she is "'not a criminal.'" But "this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three."
David Letterman: "Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson," who has reportedly put on some weight.
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, when President Obama -- this is true -- was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news," and when "he heard about it, President Bush said, 'See, it's complicated, right? It's not so easy. Doors are hard.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Today, Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a big speech on the economy. … Obama's speech was interrupted five times by applause and six times by old people whispering, 'Is he Cuban?'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "The Senate" has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is "just under $3,000 for each person in America. And here's how it's going to work. On March 1st, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition bars."
Jay Leno: "Oh, here's a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can't get it unstuck. Its name? The 'USS Economy.'"
Jay Leno: "And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6%, the worst since 1974," and economists are now "worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco."
Jay Leno: "I tell you," the "economy is in bad shape." In fact, the "economy is so bad," President Barack Obama's "new slogan" is "'Spare Change You Can Believe In.'"
Jay Leno: "The economy is so bad," New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez "had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins."
Jay Leno: "And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. … It is so sad to see what's happened to John McCain since the election."
David Letterman: "Anybody here" in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show? Some unfortunate news. A "Jack Russell Terrier had to drop out because of tax problems."
Conan O'Brien: "Things are winding down here on the 'Late Night' show. Only ten shows left, including tonight. … A lot has changed since I started the show. When we came on the air back in 1993," the "Federal debt was $4 trillion." Now, "$4 trillion is how much President Obama's Cabinet owes in back taxes."
Jay Leno: "As you know, Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama's cabinet, due to IRS problems. Yeah, he said, 'I will not be a distraction.' See, distraction is Washington talk for, 'Uh-oh, there's a lot more crap you don't know about yet.'"
Jay Leno: "Speaker of the House...Nancy Pelosi" recently said that "every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, '500 million Americans lose their jobs.' ... I think the Botox is starting to seep into" her "brain."
David Letterman: "Ladies and gentlemen, while you were applauding that joke, another Obama nominee dropped out."
Jay Leno: "And tax problems for another Obama nominee. Nancy Killefer has withdrawn her nomination as White House chief performance officer. Not only did she not pay her taxes, she had a tax lien put on her house by the government. Where is Obama getting these nominees? Old episodes of 'Cops'?"
David Letterman: "Tom Daschle has withdrawn his cabinet nomination because he had some tax problems. Forgot about $150,000. ... Remember the old days," when "politicians got in trouble for having sex with pages." Those days seem "pretty sweet now, don't they?"
Conan O'Brien: "Earlier today," Tom Daschle "withdrew his nomination to be the health and human services secretary after it was revealed he didn't pay back taxes. Yeah. So, President Obama says now it's down to his second and third choices, Willie Nelson and Wesley Snipes."
Jay Leno: "How about this? Just a couple of hours ago, the Republican Party elected Michael Steele as the first African-American chairman of the GOP. So that shows you, the Republican Party isn't just for stuffy old white guys anymore. There's plenty of room for stuffy old black guys too now. As long as you're stuffy, you're in."
Jay Leno: "Happy TGIF! You know what TGIF stands for? The Governor Is Fired, that's what it stands for."
Jay Leno: Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is now "out of a job. He's disgraced. He's unpopular. In fact, today, he got a note from President Bush saying, 'Hey, welcome to the club.'"
David Letterman: "I'm very excited" and "I think everybody is about the Obama Administration. I mean they get in there, they're doing stuff. They're...active. They're not reactive. They're actually out there doing stuff, as opposed to being squirrelly and defensive all the time. I mean, we had eight years of defensive squirrels."
Jay Leno: "Al Gore told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee the Earth is in grave danger from global warming." But "is this the best time to try to convince people that global warming is real, in the middle of a blizzard?" He should come "back in August when the air conditioner is broken, come out with a panting dog, and then maybe...people will listen."
Jay Leno: "And the 'Wall Street Journal' reports that Bill Clinton made $4.7 million last year in speaking fees from foreign countries. And they say this will cause a conflict for Hillary as secretary of state, but Bill has vowed not to cause any problems for her. And believe me, when Bill Clinton makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank."
David Letterman: "And President Bush, after eight years, is also in retirement. How can you tell?"
David Letterman: "President Bush, of course, has a place just outside of Crawford, Texas -- Rancho Inepto."
Jay Leno: "Citigroup" just "got $45 billion of our tax dollars. Did you see what they bought themselves? They spent $50 million on a brand new, French-made private jet for their executives. Has a bar, private entertainment center, seating for 12. ... You know, if there's ever a reason to reopen Guantanamo Bay, this is it, okay."
David Letterman: "But I got to say, so far so good for the Obamas. ... The family is settled in. There's the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they're settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint -- and they don't want to make trouble -- but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney's dungeon."
Jay Leno: "And the Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency. After vice president, speaker of the House, and president pro-tem of the Senate, she is next, which means they're going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the House, and" the president pro-tem of the Senate.
Craig Ferguson: "Today was Hillary Clinton's first day as secretary of state. She's now in charge of all foreign affairs. Bill Clinton will still handle domestic affairs."
David Letterman: "On this date in 1991, do you have any idea what happened in 1991 on this date? The United States attacked Iraq to start the Gulf War. I'm so glad that's all behind us aren't you?"
Jay Leno: "President Bush said he's gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas welcoming him. You know, as a President who had a disappointing and horrible year, he'll be named an honorary member of the Dallas cowboys."
Jay Leno: "Well, this week the chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic was that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?"
Jay Leno: "I guess you heard" that "lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. ... So apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person."
Jay Leno: "Hey, did you all see Barack Obama's speech about the economy yesterday? Very sobering. He told Washington, 'We've arrived at this point due to an era of profound irresponsibility.' And of course, there's only one way out of it. Spend more money we don't have. Yeah, that's the ticket!"
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama's mother-in-law is moving into the White House." Well, "if that doesn't get him to solve the economic crisis, nothing will. 'We'll get you your own place, Ma. Don't worry!'"
Jay Leno: "Well, here's something good for the environment. President Bush recently declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments. Again, you see, I don't think President Bush understands the impact of some of these things. When officials said this would create the largest marine reserve in the world, he said, 'Great, let's get some of them to Iraq and Afghanistan. Let's see if we can send them over there.'"
Jay Leno: "The economy is so bad, when he was in the White House the other day, Jimmy Carter thought he was still president."
David Letterman: "Couple of days ago" in "New Jersey," there were "UFO sightings. ... Believe me, it's not an invasion." The aliens are "actually here" because they "want some of that Federal bailout money."
David Letterman: "Do you have your tickets for the inauguration down in Washington. I sent in early. I sent the money in. I got my tickets back, lousy seats." You "know where they put me? ... I'm right between Govs. Spitzer and Blagojevich."
David Letterman: "Vice President-elect Joe Biden...is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school."
Conan O'Brien: "On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine" made by General Motors. ... Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice."
David Letterman: "On this date in 2001," George W. Bush "certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn't it?"
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday," President-elect Barack Obama "described the economy as 'very sick.' ... Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem but still the smartest thing they've heard a president say in eight years."
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama spent his first fill day in Washington since coming back from" his vacation in Hawaii, but "no matter where this guy is, he always manages to work out. ... Like, today, he spent most of the afternoon running from Bill Richardson."
Jay Leno: "Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol," who "had her baby. They named the baby Tripp," which "is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby."
David Letterman: Top Ten Signs You Are Watching Too Much Football: "2. Laura has to keep reminding you you're still President for two more weeks."
Craig Ferguson: "Obama says he is traveling by train because trains are a symbol of America's history. Also, the federal government is out of money and can't afford plane tickets."
Conan O'Brien: "'Oprah Winfrey is not only planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration, she says she's currently looking for a house to buy in Washington, D.C. She's going to buy a house there,. Oprah said she's found a nice little cottage at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue."
David Letterman: "One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe – believe -- Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats."
Conan O'Brien: "The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office."
Jay Leno: "The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn't get to the global warming conference."
Jay Leno: "I tell you," the "economy's rough. … People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes."
Conan O'Brien: "Speaking of the President, in a recent interview, President Bush said that he has a collection of over 250 autographed baseballs. Yeah. Unfortunately, the question the interviewer asked was: Do you have an exit strategy for Iraq?"
Conan O'Brien: "The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw" Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich "out of office. Yeah. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, 'Your check is in the mail.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor Blagojevich to resign. … And after…hearing this, Blagojevich said, 'If he wants to call and talk to me, it's $4.99 a minute.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Barack Obama had another press conference today. Among other things, he talked about the economy." He "says job prospects are worse than they have been in 26 years. This Obama is turning out to be a real bummer with these speeches, isn't he?"
Jay Leno: "You know what sign" Blagojevich "was born under? 'For sale.' I believe that was the sign."
Jay Leno: "Actually, it's getting pretty serious. President-elect Barack Obama has called for" Blagojevich "to resign, but he refused. He refused a directive from the next President of the United States, to which Hillary Clinton said, 'So?'"
Jay Leno: "And of course, the bad news for Governor Blagojevich is that there's no chance President Bush will pardon him because Bush can't even pronounce his name."
Jay Leno: "People close to the" case talked about Blagojevich. They "said that he was willing to do anything for money. That's why he was going to sell the Senate seat. See, that is so wrong. You know, in this country -- let me tell you something. If you want money, you do what everybody else does, okay? You go to Congress and you demand a bailout. That's what we do."
Jay Leno: "And I love this idea. Congress wants to promote a car czar to oversee the auto industry. You know, even if he's half as successful as Bill Bennett was as the drug czar, oh, our problems will be solved."
Jay Leno: "A car czar. What democracy has a czar?"
Jay Leno: "And according to 'The Washington Post,' during his eight years in office, President Bush spent 2,496 hours on the treadmill, elliptical machine, and mountain bike. And spent another 15 minutes working on the economy."
Jay Leno: "A rare snowstorm hit New Orleans today. It snowed in New Orleans. You see that? Unbelievable. Not wasting any time, FEMA announced they will have plows in the New Orleans area within the next six to eight months."
Jay Leno: "In a recent interview with ABC, President Bush said he is not a literalist when it comes to the Bible, or the Constitution either, for that matter."
David Letterman: "Well, it looks like the Big Three auto makers are going to get some bailout money. … But the CEOs, these guys, they have promised when they get the bailout money, they can't use it to give themselves big, big year-end bonuses. They said, 'Well, no, of course not. That's what the employee pension funds are for.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Now, some Senate leaders in Washington say they're…very close to reaching a bailout deal for the car companies. The senators say it's taking so long because every time they almost get a deal, the car executives say, 'I have to go back and check with my manager.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Speaking of Senate seats, this morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. … Blagojevich says he's sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist." =
Jay Leno: "President-elect Barack Obama was on 'Meet the Press' yesterday, and he told the American people the economy was 'going to get worse before it gets better.' ... See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'A change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed.'"
Jay Leno: "Senator Chris Dodd said the CEO of GM should resign as part of any bailout deal. His feeling is if you run up a giant deficit, and you don't give the American people what they want, you should resign. Wait, how did" Dodd "keep his job?"
David Letterman: "Let me just say a word about these jokes that I am telling right now, ladies and gentlemen. Like President-elect Obama says, 'It's going to get worse before it gets better.'"
Conan O'Brien: "This weekend, at a Kennedy Center Awards ceremony, Barbra Streisand kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. The ultimate liberal kissed President George W. Bush. Yeah. Afterward, Bush said, 'Who was that guy?'" me: recall, in entirety
Jay Leno: "And some more bad news. NASA announced today that we are delaying our mission to Mars until 2012 because of the economic crisis. Yeah. Apparently, the dollar is really weak on Mars right now."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Remember last month the big story about all the money that the Republican National Committee spent on clothes for Sarah Palin and her family? I believe it was $150,000. Well today, the RNC tacked another $30,000 on to that. … Who would have guessed that the Republicans' October surprise turned out to be their credit card bill?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Palin said she would gladly have bought everything herself, but in Alaska, the governor's salary of $120,000 a year is paid entirely in fish, which most department stores do not accept."
Jay Leno: "Right wing pundit Ann Coulter has broken her jaw, and the doctor has wired it shut. ... He didn't wire it shut for medical reasons. He said it was the holidays, he wanted to do something nice for people."
Jay Leno: "Oh, speaking of religion, Barack Obama still has not chosen a church to attend in Washington, DC. How hard could it be for him to find a reverend? How hard is that?"
David Letterman: "Let me give you an idea how desperate the economy is here in New York City." It is "so desperate, the crack dealers...are now offering free nachos."
David Letterman: "Hey, how about that Thanksgiving Day Parade. ... And of course, the culmination is the arrival of Santa and his elves." And "tomorrow, as a matter of fact, they're going down to Washington to try to get some of that bailout money."
Craig Ferguson: "Do you know who doesn't do well the day after Thanksgiving? Restaurants, because everyone's got food at home, everyone's got leftovers. ... The word leftovers comes from the Russian word leftov, which means warmed-over food. It doesn't really. I made that up. But I do that all the time. I'm like Wikipedia" or "Fox News."
Conan O'Brien: "The three auto companies in the United States" are "all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well, this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. … Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, '$25 billion.'"
Conan O'Brien: "This week, a New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. … Yeah, unfortunately, yeah, no one likes their team's new nickname, the Fighting Husseins."
David Letterman: "There are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins" gave "the Obama girls a tour of the White House." It was "very sweet," but the Obama girls "got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair."
Conan O'Brien: "The auto executives for the Big Three" are "being criticized now," because, before "they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets." In "their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.'"
Jay Leno: "It's now being reported that Hillary Clinton will accept the position of Secretary of State. That just came out in the news. Actually, this works out...great for the Clintons. While Hillary is concentrating on foreign affairs, Bill can go back to concentrating on domestic affairs."
Jay Leno: "The press is calling...Barack Obama the first wired president because he's very big on e-mails and the Internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he'll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. So, it looks like America's ready for a black president. We're just not ready for a Blackberry president."
David Letterman: "President Bush is opening up more air space for travel during Thanksgiving. ... You're saying, 'What exactly are you talking about?' I'm talking about air space. You know, like between his ears."
David Letterman: "Barack Obama, like many people, uses" a Blackberry, but the "Secret Service says this is a security hazard," so "they took it away. I'm thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What's the problem?"
David Letterman: "Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law," who is "going to be living with him," and they are "talking about Hillary for secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me."
Craig Ferguson: "Everyone is waiting to see what" Barack Obama has "got planned. We already know his economic plan. It's designed to help small businesses that make under $250,000 a year. You know, like General Motors and Chrysler."
Jimmy Kimmel: "It looks like Hillary Clinton might" be Barack Obama's "Secretary of State." Hillary "went from almost being the President to a secretary. It sounds like somebody needs to watch 'Working Girl' again because that's not how it's supposed to work."
Jay Leno: Once Barack Obama "becomes president, he'll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. So, it looks like America's ready for a black president. We're just not ready for a BlackBerry president."
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he's going to turn it into a bank."
David Letterman: Thanksgiving is "a time when people can do nice things for others who are less fortunate. ... For example, if you get the opportunity, if you have your Thanksgiving dinner, invite a Lehman brother."
Conan O'Brien: Barack Obama "met with former political rival John McCain." Both "men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin."
Jimmy Kimmel: Hillary Clinton might become Barack Obama's "secretary of State." She "went from almost being the President to a secretary. It sounds like somebody needs to watch 'Working Girl' again, because that's not how it's supposed to work."
Jay Leno: "Well, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or as they're calling it, 'Plugged Hair meets Plugged Arteries.'"
Jay Leno: "But see that's cruel. See, I prefer to call them 'Foot In Mouth' meets 'Shot In Face.'"
Jay Leno: "Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson went on a luxury cruise this week to try and come up with a plan to revive the Republican Party and to get it more in touch with average Americans. I got an idea. How about no more luxury cruises?"
Jay Leno: "CNN reporting that President Bush's approval rating is the all time lowest ever recorded for a president: 76% disapprove of the job he's doing. The other 24% work for AIG."
Jay Leno: "I guess after the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. … And today Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer called him a new kind of Democrat."
Jay Leno: "When they move into the White House, Barack Obama's going to be getting a dog for his daughters," but "he's very strict. He said, 'You are going to have to feed it, you are going to have to give it water, and you are going to have to clean up after him. Do you understand that?' And Joe Biden said, 'Yeah.'"
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama is going to have a meeting with John McCain. They're going to get together. McCain's still being a little stubborn. He insisted it be a town hall meeting."
David Letterman: "The Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton."
David Letterman: "John McCain is great, by the way. He's back at his full-time job, yelling at people who park in front of his house."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the President showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline."
Jay Leno: "There's a new rumor that Hillary Clinton may end up Secretary of State, which means she would have to spend the next four years traveling all around the world, to which Bill said, 'Yes!'"
Jay Leno: "Speaking of young blood, we are very excited. Senator John McCain on the show tonight. And I thought this was very nice. He blew off an interview with Katie Couric to be here."
David Letterman: Sarah Palin has "not taken the defeat well. And it must be true because today before shooting a moose she pistol whipped it."
Conan O'Brien: "In Japan, officials in a small town called Obama -- there's a town in Japan called Obama -- say they're going to invite Barack Obama to visit. Yeah. And actually, a similar trip happened after Bill Clinton was elected, and he was invited to Horndog, Thailand."
Conan O'Brien: "President-elect Barack Obama spent the day thanking the people who helped him win the election. That's right. Yeah, and actually, Obama's first phone call was to Sarah Palin."
Conan O'Brien: "When they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Yeah. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska."
Craig Ferguson: Barack Obama "was briefed this morning on the state of the economy, and this afternoon, he called McCain to offer him the presidency."
Craig Ferguson: Sarah Palin "went back to Alaska. As she got off the plane yesterday, her supporters chanted '2012, 2012.' When McCain got off the plane, they chanted, 'Use the handrail, use the handrail. Careful, grandpa.'"
Jay Leno: "And political analysts are saying today that Barack Obama's win was unprecedented. Which again confused President Bush. He said, 'Unprecedented? You mean, he didn't win? He got unpresidented?'"
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama is now gonna receive the daily White House intelligence briefing on things like, you know, security and terrorism, stuff like that. It's the same briefing President Bush gets every day, but without the pictures and the color by numbers."
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama spent his first day as President-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples."
Jay Leno: "Don't you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama's first 24 hours? They said, 'Day one, America held hostage.'"
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama promised a new America in which the powerless will have a voice. So, he's already reaching out to Republicans."
Jay Leno: "I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm going to miss President Bush, because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden."
Jimmy Kimmel: "President Bush called Sen. Obama last night" to "congratulate him and this is an actual quote. He said, 'What an awesome night for you and your family.' I think his eloquence is what we will remember most about" Bush.
Jimmy Kimmel: "Obama thanked the President for his call and for all he did to help him get elected."
Craig Ferguson: "This week in 'People' magazine," Sarah Palin "talks about the plans for her daughter's wedding. You know, Bristol's getting married. And Sarah says it's very difficult to find a dress that doesn't clash with the shotgun."
Craig Ferguson: "But" Sarah Palin "is not letting all this criticism of her get her down. She said she's putting the election 'in God's hands,' which is good news for the Democrats because they think Barack Obama is God."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The economy has become the central issue in" the "presidential campaign. I personally...haven't heard one word about fencing in the Mexicans in months, right?"
Jay Leno: "Of course, there was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC."
Jay Leno: "Do you realize this is our first black president since the first season of '24'?"
Jay Leno: "People were worried about the 'Bradley effect," but "apparently," that "was not nearly as strong as the 'Bush effect.'"
David Letterman: "Attention passengers, the Straight Talk Express is no longer in service."
David Letterman: "People all over the world...are celebrating" Barack Obama's victory. In fact, Sarah Palin "watched the Russians celebrating from her house."
Conan O'Brien: "All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11:00 last night," except "for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago."
Conan O'Brien: "Hundreds of thousands of people turned out for" Obama's victory rally in Chicago. But there was an "awkward moment when Obama put on a hat that said 'proud to be Muslim' and screamed, 'Suckas!'"
Jay Leno: "I understand the networks...are playing it very, very cautiously. You know, they don't want to show any favoritism. In fact, MSNBC announced today they're not even going to declare Barack Obama the winner until after the votes are counted."
Jay Leno: "It seems fewer and fewer illegals are crossing the border because they can't find jobs. ... See, President Bush does have an immigration policy. It's called his economic policy."
David Letterman: "They're saying now that weather could play a huge part in the campaign. ... For example, in order for McCain to win tomorrow, hell has to freeze over."
David Letterman: "Today, Barack Obama campaigned in Florida and Virginia." McCain also "campaigned in two states, panic and desperation."
Jay Leno: "Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating," but he would "only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year."
Jay Leno: "Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks -- Fox, CBS and NBC. ... Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, 'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of OxiClean.'"
Jay Leno: "I tell you, though," things are "not looking good for McCain. ... In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet."
David Letterman: "They...say that there may be some friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin." Aides "suspected that there was something wrong when McCain started referring to Sarah Palin as 'that one.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Here on NBC, Barack Obama's infomercial preempted the new show 'Knight Rider.' ... So, folks, Obama is not even president yet," and he is "already making America a better place."
Conan O'Brien: "During the speech earlier today, Barack Obama accidentally mixed up his black sitcom characters. He said that Wheezy from 'The Jeffersons' was a character on 'Sanford and Son.' ... And just like that, folks, the election is wide open."
Craig Ferguson: "Today in the 'Anchorage Daily News,' Alaska's largest newspaper, endorsed Barack Obama. … That's another newspaper Sarah Palin will never read."
Conan O'Brien: "The other day, a guy who played a game of basketball against Barack Obama said that Obama spent the whole game trash talking. … He also said Obama's trash talking is 'eloquent, high-minded, and inspirational.'"
Jay Leno: "No, political pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary," and "the only one of those three that will actually vote for him."
Jay Leno: "And out on the campaign trail this week," John McCain "said that Barack Obama is already 'measuring the drapes' in White House." But "I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities."
Jay Leno: "And the longest serving Republican senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. … Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house," but "here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber."
Jay Leno: "And after his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat, lost his voice. … Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another. It's unbelievable!"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Also yesterday," Sarah Palin "told a bunch of third graders that the vice president 'runs the Senate,' which the vice president does not do. That's a major -- not knowing what the job is. I mean, even President Bush will tell you the vice president doesn't run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House."
Craig Ferguson: "It wasn't such a great day for John McCain," who "got some support today" from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda "picked him as their choice" for president. Al Qaeda "made this announcement on their website, which begs the question, al Qaeda has a website? Can't we use it to find them?"
Craig Ferguson: "In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But…Obama's supporters have a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I'm not sure" if "Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven't won an election since 2000."
Craig Ferguson: "Anyway, the Democrats better watch out," because the "Republicans are going to pull out all the stops. Did you see they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin's wardrobe?" Boy, nothing "says hockey mom like dropping six figures on bling."
Craig Ferguson: Sarah Palin's "defense was" that "$150,000 doesn't go far when you're a female political candidate, and that's true. Last year, Hillary Clinton spent twice that much on suits at Men's Warehouse."
Craig Ferguson: "The campaign says they needed to make Sarah Palin seem hip and cool," but "I'm thinking if you're going to spend money trying to make somebody look hip and cool, what about John? What about spending some money on John?"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help" Obama "win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nations' capitol to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain."
Jay Leno: "Hey, are you…buying this whole Joe the plumber thing? McCain said he's worried about Joe the plumber's income. His income? Anybody here ever gotten a bill from a plumber and gone, 'Well, this is way too low.'"
Jay Leno: "Well, actually, Joe the plumber, not his real name. Actually, his full name, Joe Hussein the plumber, yeah."
Jay Leno: "And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion…plan for the government to directly buy shares of the nation's leading banks to make sure they're run properly. They're going to make sure they're run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is that the people who gave us a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money."
Jay Leno: "And you can tell most of these banks have gotten their bailout money already. I went by my bank today. It had a big sign: 'Now making toxic loans again. Come on down.'"
Jay Leno: "Hey, did you see this on the news? A bear jumped a 45-year-old hiker, who managed to grab a stick and beat the bear to death." The hiker "then walked miles to the hospital. Boy, that Sarah Palin is unbelievable!"
David Letterman: "You know when you have a movie like that about a guy who is alive, you wonder if they took some liberties with the truth. In one scene, I don't know if this is accurate or not, President Bush is seen actually reading a national security memo. And I thought, now, is that -- I don't know."
Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin remains very popular." In "fact, this week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Yeah," he decided to do so "after he asked" the baby "to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space."
Jay Leno: "And this Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America.'" He was "on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain."
Jay Leno: "And…McCain kept talking about how he could help this man. … You know, if McCain really wanted to help this guy, you know what you should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life."
Jay Leno: "Well, actually, here's the best story. I just got this from 'The New York Times.' Turns out Joe the Plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes – don't pay them."
Jay Leno: "And the new movie of President Bush opens tomorrow. It is called 'W.'" Apparently, "they chose that title" because "'Body of Lies' was already taken."
Jay Leno: "And happy birthday to Winnie the Pooh," who is "82 years old this week." And he is "still sharp as a tack. In fact, earlier today, Winnie was registered to vote by ACORN in Florida."
David Letterman: "Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney."
David Letterman: "You know who was at the debate last night? Hillary Clinton." But "I am thinking to myself, is it a really good idea to be leaving Bill home alone?"
Conan O'Brien: "And more details coming out about Joe the Plumber." And "I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. … However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate."
Conan O'Brien: "During last night's debate, Hillary Clinton watched from the audience of Hofstra University's auditorium. … Bill Clinton was also at Hofstra University, but he watched" the debate "from the Delta Gamma sorority house."
Jay Leno: "And Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said today if it wasn't for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channels openly rooting for him isn't enough."
Jay Leno: "Vice President Dick Cheney was treated, today, for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren't sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices."
Jay Leno: "Well, doctors now say drinking alcohol shrinks your brain. … Their proof -- the last eight years of the White House."
David Letterman: "I watched the debate, and, honestly, there was no question…who looked more presidential. Bob Schieffer."
David Letterman: "Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I mean, I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta."
Conan O'Brien: "Earlier this evening, the third presidential debate was held. … Hillary Clinton was sitting in the audience. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, in fact, when John McCain was attacking Barack Obama, you could hear Hillary yelling, 'Get him!'"
Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. … Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Anheuser-Busch, the beer company, underwrote" the debate. They "paid for everything, which is a little…odd because Cindy McCain owns" an "Anheuser-Busch wholesaler in Arizona. … I don't know much about running for president, but it seems to me that John McCain's not spending nearly enough time working 'the my wife can get us free beer angle.' Right?"
Jay Leno: "Actually, the financial news is starting to look pretty good this week. Yesterday, the market was up almost 1,000 points. … In fact, the financial news is looking so good bankers are starting to be rude to customers again."
Jay Leno: According to a group of Nobel prize-winning scientists, because of the economic crisis, the planet might actually improve from the damage of global warming because we're using less fossil fuel and we're saving energy. See, this shows the brilliance of President Bush's plan. He was killing the economy, yeah, but to save the planet! The man is a genius!"
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama…says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. … The first woman he wants signed up, Sarah Palin."
Jay Leno: "And more charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. … This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has been charged with putting a lot of phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy's been president for the last eight years."
David Letterman: "President Bush, I think he said this in his weekly radio address, he said about the economic crisis, President Bush said, 'It's a good thing I'm in charge.' And I know that's what we're all thinking."
David Letterman: "But Bush…says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu."
David Letterman: "Bush…is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office."
David Letterman: "You can tell every now and then that" Sarah Palin "spends a lot of time in Alaska, because" after "she dropped the first puck" at the hockey game, she cut "a hole in the ice and began to fish."
David Letterman: "The third presidential debate is Wednesday night," and "John McCain says he's going to win. … Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working."
Conan O'Brien: "This weekend, the leaders of the world's richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. … President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week the US is no longer one of the world's richest countries."
Jay Leno: "Today they gave out the Nobel prize for economics. Why?!"
Jay Leno: "The finance ministers of the world's top economies met in Washington for an emergency meeting on the banking crisis. … While they were meeting, they gave President Bush some Monopoly money to play with so he'd feel involved."
Jay Leno: "Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called this the 'worst financial crisis since the Carter Administration.'"
Jay Leno: "But the good news" is that the "stock market went up over 900 points today. … This is the best thing to happen to the John McCain campaign since -- actually, it's the first good thing to happen" to the McCain campaign.
Jay Leno: "Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she's only been on the national scene a month," and "already she has an ethics violation. Who says she's not ready for Washington, huh?!"
Conan O'Brien: "The latest political commercial by Barack Obama…attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology." McCain "was outraged, and he responded in an e-mail, or as McCain calls it, 'a computer letter from the future.'"
Conan O'Brien: "The presidential debate was held Friday. Many observers are split on who won. Yeah. Some say Barack Obama won by showing he could hold his own," while others "say that John McCain won by showing he could hold his bladder."
Conan O'Brien: "Critics are still analyzing Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric last week. And…they're saying she was halting, repetitive, and stumped on basic questions. Yeah. In other words, Palin appeared very presidential."
Jay Leno: "I guess the big problem was the plan came in two parts and they couldn't agree on which part to implement first, the smoke or the mirrors."
Jay Leno: "And once again, you know, President Bush, God bless him, nice man, but I don't think he understands the gravity of this situation. Like when someone told him WaMu went under, he said, 'Well, that's okay, he's a whale.'"
Jay Leno: "Did you all watch the presidential debate Friday night?" A "lot of analysts were calling it a tie. They say neither man stumbled. See, that's how low the bar is now," when "not stumbling is considered a huge accomplishment in politics."
Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin…watched the debate very closely," with "one eye" on it "and the other eye, of course, on Russia."
Jay Leno: "Well, a lot of Republicans are worried about how Sarah Palin is going to do in the vice presidential debate this Thursday." She should just "let Joe Biden have the first question. He'll take 90 minutes to answer. 'Oh, we're out of time!'"
Jay Leno: "I listened to President Bush's speech. I think I understand this whole economic crisis. See, rich people on Wall Street made a big mess, and they're too rich to clean it up. So the rest of America, you know, their maids and butlers, they have to clean it up for them. You see how easy it is?"
Jay Leno: "As far…as this whole" $700 billion "thing is concerned, they keep saying, 'We have to act now. We have to act now.' This is like a bad TV offer. 'Just 10 easy payments of $70 billion each. Operators are standing by, but you have to act now!'"
Jay Leno: "To give you an idea how bad the economy is, Wall Street investors are now clinging to their guns and religion.
Jay Leno: "John McCain wants to suspend his debate with Barack Obama until the economic crisis is over. And Sarah Palin now wants to suspend her debate with Joe Biden until she can find Europe on a map."
Jay Leno: "Man, things are not looking good. I opened the business section of the paper today. It said, 'You Don't Want To Know.' That was the headline."
Jay Leno: "Give you an idea how bad the American economy is -- Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border."
Jay Leno: "President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it."
Jay Leno: "No, President Bush announced…that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market," but that was his "second choice to fix the problem. First choice, invade Wall Street."
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain's economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama's economic plan, but nobody knows what it is yet."
Jay Leno: "President Bush has issued a new warning to Iran that it faces new economic sanctions after reports by the UN atomic watchdog committee that Iran is still enriching uranium. President Bush promising new economic sanctions. And believe me; if there's one thing the President is an expert on, it is ruining a country's economy."
Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin's husband has refused to testify in an abuse of power investigation in Alaska. He was given a subpoena," but "he is ignoring it. So it looks like this guy's going to have no trouble fitting into Washington."
Conan O'Brien: "MoveOn.org has called on…John McCain to release all of his medical records. … In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift. It will take time.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it may cost Americans…more than a trillion dollars." To "put that into perspective," ten "Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars
Jay Leno: "I guess the miniseries 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night" with "13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain."
Jay Leno: "See, you know the way a bailout works? Here's the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can't fail."
Jay Leno: "The first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain's challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush," while "Obama's challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping."
David Letterman: "By the way, as the campaign goes on, we're learning more and more about Senator John McCain," who "apparently...has 13 cars." But "he can't remember where he parked any of them."
Conan O'Brien: "President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. ... Bush got upset and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'"
Jay Leno: "At one point, Charlie Gibson asked Palin about the Bush Doctrine, but she didn't know what it was. But, you know, to be fair, even Bush doesn't know what the Bush Doctrine is."
Jay Leno: "Supporters of Palin say it's okay she doesn't know what the Bush Doctrine is because the average American doesn't know what it is. But shouldn't the bar be a little higher for this job?"
Jay Leno: "I mean, hey, let's be honest. We already had an average guy as president. It didn't work out that great."
Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin was also asked if we might have to go to war with Russia, and she said, 'Perhaps so.' … Isn't that like a Magic 8 Ball kind of answer? 'Will we have to go to war?' 'Reply hazy, try again later.'"
Jay Leno: "And…as you know, they've already come out with a Sarah Palin action figure. And today, the Democrats released a Joe Biden action figure. It talks and talks and talks." You "just can't get the thing to shut up."
Jay Leno: "In fact, the other day while talking to a group of supporters, Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president than him. Well, that's one thing to get the base fired up, huh? Tell them they picked the wrong person! Yeah! That'll get them fired up!"
Jay Leno: "Charles Rangel, chairman of the Ways and Means Committee," is "the guy that writes the tax codes." Well, he "has been found to be in default on his taxes on income on a beach villa he owns in the Caribbean. Rangel blames it on his accountant, and he said he didn't understand the law." He "wrote it! … If he doesn't understand it, how screwed are we?"
David Letterman: "But, no, seriously, the interview went very well, and during the interview, Sarah Palin actually gave birth to her sixth child."
Conan O'Brien: "Sarah Palin's been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain's vice president. That's true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR."
Jay Leno: "Well, the ratings are in," and it "seems 40 million people watched Sarah Palin's speech, and 40 million people watched Barack Obama's speech. … So, the message is pretty clear. Barack Obama needs to run with Sarah Palin."
Jay Leno: "All the commentators agreed that no, matter who wins the election, history's going to be made with either the first African-American president or the first female vice president, to which Hillary Clinton said, 'Yeah, you could have had both!'"
Jay Leno: "And did you see McCain and Palin standing together? Didn't it look like a special episode of 'Regis and Kelly?'"
Jay Leno: "I guess there are some problems" with Palin, though. Have "you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal?" Palin "allegedly...used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but wasn't that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'"
Jay Leno: "Sarah Palin also said that when she was governor," it "was not uncommon for her to bring her children to work with her." But it is "not going to work out bringing kids to the White House. McCain yelling out the window, 'Get off the lawn!'"
Conan O'Brien: "While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama's campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. ... Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn't say exactly why."
Jay Leno: "Well…Hurricane Gustav and Hurricane Hanna have been downgraded to tropical storms. That's certainly good news. Well, this downgrading is quite common. The same thing happened last month to Hurricane Hillary. Remember?"
Jay Leno: "Well, they said that almost all the thousand or so oil rigs in the Gulf had to be abandoned before the storm. And then Dick Cheney said, 'No, those are my children! No!'"
Jay Leno: "Well, you've got to admit, it was kind of amazing, Joe Lieberman who ran as a Democrat in 2000 with Al Gore," spoke "last night at the Republican convention. … That's like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally."
Jay Leno: "And John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train. So, it's been a while."
Jay Leno: "You know, I don't want to say the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush," but did "you notice when Bush was speaking by satellite, they kept trying to change the channel?"
Jay Leno: "And Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP convention. And it gave people who didn't know anything about her a chance to finally meet her. You know, like John McCain."
Jay Leno: "I've got to admit, she looked very comfortable at the podium, because it's kind of like Alaska. When you look out over the convention floor, nothing but white as far as the eye can see."
Jay Leno: "And we're learning…more and more about John McCain's running mate, Sarah Palin," who is "a lifetime member of the National Rifle Association and a firm believer in shotgun weddings."
Jay Leno: "Well, the good news, John McCain raised $47 million in the month of August. The bad news, he can't remember where he put it."
David Letterman: "You know, Sarah Palin," the "vice presidential running mate on the Republican ticket," likes "to shoot assault rifles. I'll say this for her daughter's boyfriend. The kid's got guts."
David Letterman: "And earlier tonight," Sarah Palin "gave a tremendous speech to the Republicans, though some are claiming it was actually her daughter's speech."
Conan O'Brien: "Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. … Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people, it's for pregnant teenagers."
Conan O'Brien: "This week, John McCain was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. … Yeah, they endorsed McCain, not because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Obviously they're keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight" at the convention. President Bush "gave a speech last night which couldn't have been more than five minutes long. Dick Cheney is in Azerbaijan, which I think is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis on the globe. And they actually locked Idaho Senator Larry Craig in the convention center men's room. Either that or he locked himself in. I'm not sure."
Jay Leno: "From what I understand, President Bush" is "very upset" that "John McCain has picked Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate." Bush "said, 'Alaska? Why couldn't he have picked someone from America?'"
Jay Leno: "No, Governor Palin announced, over the weekend, that her 17-year-old, unmarried daughter is five months pregnant. Oh, boy! You thought John Edwards was in trouble before."
Jay Leno: "Well, there's a lot of controversy about this. Apparently," Governor Palin "told McCain about" the pregnancy "weeks ago, but…I guess she said it into his bad ear, so he didn't realize."
Jay Leno: "Well…in 1984, Sarah Palin came in second in the Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant. Now she could be vice president of the United States." So for "the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace."
Jay Leno: "Actually, there was…talk about canceling the Republican convention because of Hurricane Gustav." In fact, John McCain helped "out during the hurricane. To give you an idea what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses. I thought that was great."
Jay Leno: "Well, it's now being reported that in exchange for Hillary's support, if he is elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? You know the Clintons. If she gets on the Supreme Court, she could demand a recount and declare herself a winner. It's happened before!"
Jay Leno: "Well, John Edwards, who is scheduled in October to speak at the University of Illinois, has raised his speaking fee from $55,000 to $65,000! Well then again, he has another mouth to feed," and "another mouth he has to keep quiet."
David Letterman: "And, of course, the big news" is that "John McCain has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his vice presidential candidate. Apparently, he was turned down by his first choice, [actress] Bonnie Hunt."
David Letterman: "And you've got to love this. Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. … A vice president who likes guns. Well, what could go wrong there?"
Craig Ferguson: "The Republican convention is underway," but "I'm watching the TV news and there is more coverage on Hurricane Gustav. … Now, a hurricane and the Republican convention are very different, of course. One's a stormy blast of wind that throws mud everywhere. The other's a hurricane."
Craig Ferguson: "John McCain picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. She's a popular governor, a great public speaker, and she's raising five kids. So she can definitely change a diaper, which is a skill she's going need if she is running with John McCain."
Conan O'Brien: "The Republican convention" has a theme for "each night." And "the theme" for tonight "is 'Who is John McCain?' … Tomorrow night's theme is, 'Who forgot to check if the Vice President's daughter is pregnant?'"
Jay Leno: "Quite a historic day. Barack Obama accepted the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. Barack gave his speech on the historic anniversary of Martin Luther King's 'I Have a Dream' speech. And just two days after Hillary Clinton gave her 'I Had a Dream' speech."
Jay Leno: "Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack's speech, with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him as 'Barack, son of Zeus,' that seemed over the top."
Jay Leno: "And last night during his speech, Bill Clinton promised to do everything he could to help Barack Obama win the election. And then Hillary said, 'That's nice. But you know Bill. Keeping promises is not his strong suit.'"
Jay Leno: "At one point this week, police in Denver had a showdown with over 300 protestors, ended up pepper spraying them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it was only fresh ground pepper spray."
Jay Leno: "John Edwards was not at the convention, actually. But, like his marriage, he was there in spirit."
Jay Leno: "Well, there was a rumor that McCain might pick former eBay CEO Meg Whitman as his running mate. That makes sense. You know, she's an expert at selling Americans really old stuff."
Jay Leno: "And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals…are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency."
David Letterman: Top Ten Surprises In Barack Obama's Democratic National Convention Address.
"10. Delivered speech in a bright orange pantsuit. 9. Wants to change October to 'Barack-tober.' 8. Most of speech was devoted to his Labor Day barbecue cole slaw recipe. 7. Outlined plan for America, then took calls about the Broncos defense. 6. Kept saying to John Kerry, 'Hey, why the long face?' – it's funny every time! 5. Twelve-and-a-half minutes of, 'Testing-one-two.' 4. Performed hilarious ventriloquist act with Dennis Kucinich on his lap. 3. Promised to make Pluto a state. 2. Plans to bring peace to Lo and Audrina on 'The Hills.' 1. Also pronounces 'nuclear,' 'nucular.'"
David Letterman: "Last night, Barack Obama was officially nominated Democratic candidate for President of the United States. … And I want to tell you something. I really think things are starting to look bad for Hillary."
David Letterman: "Oh! This is exciting. John McCain now has finally decided on his vice president. Yeah. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement?"
David Letterman: "And then tonight," Barack Obama "speaks to the convention, and they moved it to the stadium there in Denver. They're getting, like, 75,000 people. And I'm telling you, the construction crew has been working around the clock, painting the stadium, scrubbing the stadium, plastering. It's the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi."
Conan O'Brien: "Barack Obama says he's planning to get his daughters a dog if he's elected president." Most "voters asked think he should get a poodle," proving "that Americans are not only ready for a black president, they're also ready for a gay first dog."
Conan O'Brien: "Tomorrow -- this is a little fun fact for you -- both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. … Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Al Gore…spoke tonight" at the Democratic National Convention. It "was good to see Al Gore. With all the talk about global warming and all he does for the environment, I had forgotten how boring he is."
Jay Leno: "Hey, there's now talk John McCain may choose a woman as his running mate. So, there's hope for Hillary yet!"
Jay Leno: "I thought Hillary Clinton gave a great speech last night" at the Democratic National Convention, but "about that tangerine-colored pantsuit she was wearing. Maybe I'm wrong, but didn't Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year?"
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama chose Joe Biden" as "his running mate," and a "lot of people are saying in the media that Biden was the logical choice. … Biden got, what, 8,000 votes during the primaries? Hillary got 18 million votes. Well, that's logical, sure!"
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times the Democrats have fumbled the past couple of years."
Jay Leno: "Well, as you know, the Democratic convention is being held this week at the Pepsi Center in Denver. … Don't confuse that with John McCain's convention next week. That's at the PoliGrip Center."
Jay Leno: "Here's a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in 80 years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him 2 1/2."
Jay Leno: "President Bush declared some counties" hit by Tropical Storm Fay "disaster areas, so they could get federal assistance. Once again, see, I think Bush means well," but "I don't think he really understands. Like, today, he said it's important to help" Florida, because "he considers it 'one of our most important allies for when we fight the Georgians.'"
David Letterman: "By the way, if the" presidential "election were held tomorrow, who would vote for Barack Obama," and who would "vote for John McCain? They are, as you probably know, ideologically speaking, they are two completely different nominees. For example, one offers you hope," the "other offers you a dish of hard candy."
Conan O'Brien: "During the Democratic convention…delegates are being warned, this year, not to drink too much. … Yeah, when asked why, Democratic officials said, 'Last time we got drunk at our convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale.'"
Conan O'Brien: "The publisher of Simon & Schuster came out with a children's book about Barack Obama. … Yeah, they also came out with a children's book about John McCain called 'Horton Gets a Hearing Aid.'"
Conan O'Brien: "A woman in Illinois has discovered that her Jeep Cherokee used to be owned by Barack Obama." You "can tell the jeep is Obama's, because Hillary Clinton keeps trying to get in the driver's seat."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Barack Obama's…running mate…spoke tonight" at the Democratic National Convention. And "after all the name-related problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a vice president with the last name Biden is beyond me. … Obama, Biden – it's like they're trying to make the ticket sound as much like Osama bin Laden as possible."
Jay Leno: "Well, the Olympics are over." The "great thing about the Olympics" is you have people that "are otherwise enemies…pretending to get along for a couple of days. Oh, I'm sorry, that was the Democratic convention."
Jay Leno: "Hey, earlier this evening, Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic convention. It's pretty amazing. She gave her entire speech while biting her tongue. Do you know how hard that is?"
Jay Leno: "In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her speech, Barack Obama watched the whole thing from a family's living room in Missouri. … I mean, I know it's tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come on."
Jay Leno: "And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Sen. Joseph Biden to be his vice presidential running mate." Biden "has 35 years experience in Washington," so "between the two of them, that's almost 36 years of experience."
David Letterman: Top Ten Things Overheard At The Democratic National Convention.
"10. 'Check it out – Bill Clinton and John Edwards are hitting on the same woman.' 9. 'The decorations are made from John Kerry 2004 bumper stickers.' 8. 'I think the Chinese delegates are underage.' 7. 'No, Mr. President, you belong at the Republican convention.' 6. 'Sen. Biden, do you think you'll shoot an old guy in the face?' 5. 'Shut up! I'm trying to listen to Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle.' 4. No number 4 – writer at screening of 'House Bunny.' 3. 'Coming up next, a look at Democratic candidates' greatest concession speeches.' 2. 'Yes, at midnight they're going to tase Andy Dick.' 1. 'Hey, it's a giant Al Gore balloon! Oh, wait. That's Al Gore.'"
David Letterman: "It was so nice today in New York City that John McCain is buying a house here."
David Letterman: "And of course today Hillary Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention. And Bill Clinton was there, cheering "and applauding. So was his date." Conan O'Brien: "Of course, last night, Michelle Obama" gave "a very nice speech" at the convention. She "said she's been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream." Meanwhile, "John McCain's wife Cindy said she's been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave."
Jimmy Kimmel: "Tonight, Sen. Hillary Clinton" gave a "highly anticipated" convention speech. People "were curious to find out how she would endorse her former foe," and she "endorsed him pretty strongly," saying "whatever you're feeling about the primaries, now is the time for the Democrats to put aside…differences [and] come together to rally behind Mr. Potato Ears."
Conan O'Brien: "John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican convention, because he says he's too unpopular. … When asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the Senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away."
Jay Leno: "And Barack Obama now says he's open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind."
Jay Leno: "Well, John McCain's daughter is now writing a children's book based on her father's life. See, the research has been difficult because, as you know, much of McCain's early life story is only available through folklore."
Jay Leno: "And there's a new movie opening this week called 'What We Do Is A Secret,' which I think was John Edwards' campaign slogan once."
Jay Leno: "Analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. So basically, the worse the economy is, the lower the oil prices, to which Bush said, 'That's been my energy plan all along!' This guy is a genius!"
Conan O'Brien: "Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. … Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear."
Jay Leno: "Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That's, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh?"
Jay Leno: "Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices, which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free."
Jay Leno: "Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected."
Jay Leno: "The International Olympic Committee is saying that the yellow-gray haze over Beijing is not pollution, it is only mist. … Okay, it's lead mist, but still."
Jay Leno: "Have you seen China's slogan for the Olympics? Here it is. "One world, one dream.' But see the asterisk? Go in close. What does it say? 'Restrictions apply, Tibet not included.'"
Jay Leno: "And because of this entire Brett Favre situation," which has "turned out to be such a public relations disaster, the Green Bay Packers have hired President Bush's former spokesman Ari Fleischer. … So you know what the Packers are going to do now? Invade Iraq."
David Letterman: "Well, the big debates are coming up." Barack Obama "wants to debate about foreign policy," while "John McCain wants to debate about the big band era."
David Letterman: "You know, I like John McCain. He looks like the guy that hangs out at the driving range," always "giving you unwanted tips. … 'You're topping the ball. You're top -- give me the club. You're topping the damn ball!'"
Conan O'Brien: "Of course, Barack Obama" is "still continuing to dominate media coverage. 'The New York Times' just did a big piece" in which they "say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he's a black man who doesn't make white people feel threatened," which "explains Obama's Secret Service code name, 'Al Roker.'
Jay Leno: "And in an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, 'Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?'"
Jay Leno: "And as you may have heard, Osama bin Laden's driver found guilty of supporting terrorism. Osama bin Laden very upset today. He said, 'From now on, when I hire a driver, I'm going to do a background check.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Barack Obama now is giving interviews where he's opening up about his life. The candidates want to reveal their personal side. In a new interview that just came out, Barack Obama said as a kid, he cried when he saw the movie 'Born free.' Very nice. Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain said, as a kid, he cried because movies weren't invented yet."
Craig Ferguson: "Sources say that Colin Powell is planning to endorse Barack Obama," which is "bad news for John McCain. But at his age, he should expect some colon problems."
Craig Ferguson: "Cindy McCain went to the hospital because she sprained her wrist. And her doctors are saying it's nothing serious, the sprain is probably just from cutting John's meat into little tiny pieces."
Jay Leno: "And according to CNN, Vice President Dick Cheney is unlikely to attend the Republican convention this summer. That's when you know you're popular, huh?"
Jay Leno: "No, it's a logistical problem. Apparently, all the ambulances are already on standby for John McCain."
Jay Leno: "President Bush is on his way to China. His first order of business, meeting the 'Kung Fu Panda.'"
Jay Leno: "And in China, the Olympic torch finally reached Beijing. Unfortunately, there's so much smog, today the torch lit the sky on fire."
David Letterman: "Everybody in Beijing…has Olympic fever. … Or, as it's also known, bronchial asthma."
Conan O'Brien: "Of course, Barack Obama" is "still continuing to dominate media coverage. 'The New York Times' just did a big piece" in which they "say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he's a black man who doesn't make white people feel threatened," which "explains Obama's Secret Service code name, 'Al Roker.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "I don't know if you about this, but there is a formidable new combatant in the presidential race. Barely a week after John McCain used her image in an ad attacking Barack Obama, Paris Hilton is fighting back. Yesterday, she released her own political ad in which" she "talked about her own energy policy, which until this point I think had been…vodka and Red Bull."
Jay Leno: "Actually, McCain not backing down. He's defending the commercial where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton as being 'all talk, and little action.' That's what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is 'all talk and little action.' Really? Has he seen her sex video?"
Jay Leno: "Well, Obama's people are trying to portray McCain as cranky, and McCain is trying to portray Obama as arrogant, you see. And when Obama was asked what he thought about being called arrogant, well he said he was 'above having to answer that question.'"
Jay Leno: "And when McCain was asked about being labeled cranky, he told the reporter to 'go to Hell!'"
Jay Leno: "And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day that what he's looking for in a vice president is a person who would tell him when they thought he was wrong. Well, if that's the case, wouldn't Hillary be the best candidate?"
Jay Leno: "Yeah, Barack Obama also said someone who worked in the Clinton White House told him how important it was to have free time during the day to think. No offense, but I don't think Bill Clinton was using his free time to think."
Jay Leno: "There was one awkward moment on the news when they asked President Bush if he was going to visit the epicenter here in California. President Bush said, 'Uh, no, silly. The Epicenter is in Disney World in Florida.'"
Jay Leno: "San Francisco could become the first city in the nation to ban the sale of tobacco products at pharmacies. Yeah. So a guy can't buy cigarettes, but he can marry the Marlboro Man."
Jay Leno: "Congress went on a five-week vacation starting today. And boy, they deserve it, don't they? They got so much done this year -- solved the energy crisis, healthcare, Social Security, immigration. Whew! Take a break, fellas."
Jay Leno: "You ever notice that Congress doesn't even call it a vacation?" They "call it" a recess. You "ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress," kindergarteners, and juries, the "three groups you can't trust to make an adult decision."
Jay Leno: "Paris Hilton's mother very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. … Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton's been in, this is the one Mom's upset about?"
Jay Leno: "The McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of being 'elitist' and using the 'race card.' Yeah, yeah. The Obama campaign accused McCain of being 'old' and using the 'Discover Card.'"
Jay Leno: "And the 'Boston Globe' reports that political experts are telling Barack Obama that when he's on vacation in Hawaii, he should stay away from loud Hawaiian shirts and Speedos. Well, isn't that pretty much good advice for any middle aged guy?"
Jay Leno: "Have you seen these commercials where T. Boone Pickens…says he wants to rely more on natural gas and wind power for energy. And once again, President Bush, you know, I don't think he really understands alternative fuels. Like today, he said, 'How do you drill for wind?'"
David Letterman: "John McCain had a great weekend. He met with his ham radio club," and "then he played horseshoes at the senior center."
David Letterman: "They say John McCain is 71, but people are now saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the wagon train was attacked."
David Letterman: "Do you remember Hillary Clinton? … She was running for president, and her campaign was, like, $30 million in debt," so "she's trying to raise…enough money to pay off the debt. And here's how you can help. If you contribute $5 to erase" her "campaign debt, you can have dinner with her." For "$10, you get to tie the lobster bib on her pantsuit."
Conan O'Brien: "Today, President Bush left on a seven-day trip to Asia," where he will "visit South Korea, Thailand, and China. … Or, as Bush refers to them, 'China, China, and China.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall," but "both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses," while McCain "wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m."
David Letterman: "But I think the US is going to do well, particularly in swimming," where "Dick Cheney…looks great in the…freestyle waterboarding."
Conan O'Brien: "John McCain's daughter announced she is writing a children's book based on her father's life. That's very nice. Yeah. The…children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, Bill Clinton was giving a speech. He told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Yeah, apparently, Clinton likes to start off every speech with a joke."
Jay Leno: "Exxon Mobil reported a second quarter profit of $12 billion," but that was "actually below the Wall Street expectations for the company. So now, their stock shares have fallen as a result. Boy, what's that morning meeting like on Monday, huh? You call in the district managers. 'We only made $12 billion this quarter! My family has to eat!'"
Jay Leno: "Well, yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving."
Jay Leno: "The John McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of playing the race card. The Obama campaign has accused McCain of playing the pinochle card, so I don't know what's going to happen there."
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him because, and I quote, 'He doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect the guy who doesn't look like the President on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect the guy who looks older than the President on the dollar bill?"
Jay Leno: "It's been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for vice president, but not Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Well, today, a top Hillary Clinton supporter named Lanny Davis said it was inconceivable…that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary, to which Bill said, 'It's not that inconceivable.'"
Jay Leno: "Yeah, that's the big talk. They say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See, that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being vice president. He decided to go with another woman."
Jay Leno: "And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on 'Meet the Press' that what he's looking for in a vice president is a person who will tell him when they thought he was wrong, to which president Bush said, 'Trust me. That gets old really fast.'"
Jay Leno: "The new song by rapper Ludacris is causing some controversy for Barack Obama," because "it attacks Hillary and Bush and John McCain in a very distasteful way. … In fact, when John McCain heard that Obama had Ludacris on his iPod, he was stunned. He said, 'What's an iPod?'"
Jay Leno: "The McCain campaign has" been running a commercial where they compare "Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities." Because if "there's one thing…Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office -- except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those."
Jay Leno: "No, polls show that Barack Obama" is "more popular than John McCain in Germany, France, and Great Britain. However, John McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul and the Holy Roman Empire," so "it's pretty balanced."
Jay Leno: "Hey, have you heard about this group" called "Prayer at the Pump? They're a prayer group that springs up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan."
David Letterman: Top Ten Signs Barack Obama Is Overconfident. "10. Proposed bill to change Oklahoma to 'Oklabama.' 9. Offered Bush 20 bucks for the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. 8. Asked guy at Staples, 'Which chair will work best in an oval-shaped office?' 7. The affair with Barbara Walters. 6. Having head measured for Mount Rushmore. 5. Guy sits around eating soup all day. 4. He's voting for Nader. 3. Offered McCain a job in gift shop at Obama Presidential Library. 2. Announced his running mate will be Andy Dick. 1. Been cruising for chicks with John Edwards."
David Letterman: "Now you think I'm exaggerating" about pollution in China, but they "had a practice today in Beijing for the Olympics" and a "javelin thrower…threw the javelin up into the air and it stuck."
Conan O'Brien: "Barack Obama announced that next month he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. … Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush said, 'I can't believe he's taking another trip to a foreign country.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Hillary Clinton is trying to retire her campaign debt, so she's giving everyone who donates money a chance to have dinner with her. … No word yet on what the winner gets."
Jimmy Kimmel: "There's a lot of what they call buzz going on in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose" Virginia Governor Tim Kaine "to be his running mate. Officially, Obama hasn't said anything. All he'll say is that he's narrowed the pool of candidates down to be not Hillary."
Jay Leno: "As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland," while "John McCain was in Grandfather Land."
Jay Leno: "No, Barack Obama is in France today. And again, McCain doing everything to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the french toast combo at IHOP."
Jay Leno: "You can tell the French are still a little gun shy. After speaking in front of 200,000 Germans yesterday, when Obama arrived in France today, they said, 'You came alone, right?'"
Jay Leno: "And Barack Obama landed in London just about an hour ago. … And to prepare for his visit to England, he didn't brush his teeth for four days."
Jay Leno: "Did you hear about the Dalai Lama?" He had a near-death experience today" when he "met with John McCain."
Jay Leno: "If you believe there are two Americas, then John Edwards is in trouble in both of them."
Jay Leno: "The mainstream media now starting to report a story that…John Edwards was caught leaving his girlfriend's hotel room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel at 2:00 in the morning." If "this story turns out to be true, there go" Edwards' "chances of becoming vice president. He could still be governor of New York," though.
Jay Leno: "Well, yesterday, Federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! … How lost were they? Boy!"
Jay Leno: "And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii." Jay Leno: "And in Puerto Rico, it is Constitution Day. … So that's where the Constitution went."
Jay Leno: "And the Coast Guard closed over 100 miles of the Mississippi River after an oil spill of over 400,000 gallons of oil. The Federal government leaped into action…within 30 minutes of the spill. … How does this make the people of New Orleans feel, huh? They get wiped out by Hurricane Katrina, it takes FEMA, what, six days to show up? A barrel of oil spills, the White House goes, 'No!' And they're down there."
Jay Leno: "Earlier this week, in London, an environmental protester tried to glue himself to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. … See, we don't do that here. You want to get close to a politician here, you want him to stick, you need cash" and "lots of" it.
Jay Leno: "And the city of Los Angeles has voted to ban all plastic bags starting in 2010," which "is kind of ironic. So, if you're caught with marijuana, the pot is fine, but if it's in a plastic bag," you are in trouble.
Jay Leno: "And during his concert in New York City, George Michael advised Barack Obama to pick Hillary Clinton as his running mate. … Obama responded by saying he appreciated Michael's advice, but he's still waiting to hear from Boy George."
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama, very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of 'The New Yorker.'"
Jay Leno: "Well, this is Barack's third day in the Middle East, and President Bush says he has no timetable for bringing him back home."
Jay Leno: "John McCain called a press conference today. Unfortunately, all the press were out of the country covering Obama."
Jay Leno: "You know, you've got to feel kind of sorry for McCain. I mean, all day on TV, they show nothing but footage of Barack Obama touring the Middle East, being with the troops in Afghanistan, meeting with troops in Iraq. The only time I saw McCain on TV was when Willard Scott wished him a happy birthday on the 'Today' show."
Jay Leno: "A lot of people think to take some of the spotlight off of Barack Obama, that John McCain will announce his vice presidential choice this week. And most people think it's going to be Mitt Romney. … See, I don't know" about that, because "when Romney and McCain stand together, doesn't it look like one of those slick Countrywide lenders trying to trick your grandfather into a reverse mortgage?"
Jay Leno: "And yesterday, President Bush gave the US Olympic Team a rousing sendoff to the Olympics. Again, I don't think President Bush is that up on geography. Like, he told the athletes to get there a couple of days early to acclimate themselves to the fact that China is upside down."
David Letterman: "Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency 'a total failure.' … I think he's done okay, if you don't count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis," the "deficit, gas prices, Hurricane Katrina, illegal wire tapping, the national debt, tainted food, failure to catch bin Laden, CIA Leak. Other than that, I think it's been pretty good."
David Letterman: "John McCain…said" recently that Iraq and Afghanistan share a common border, and "I thought, well no wonder we can't find Osama bin Laden. We've been searching an imaginary border.'"
Jay Leno: "President Bush went on to say today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either."
Jay Leno: "See Barack Obama on the news? He's becoming a workout fanatic. He's at the gym, like, twice a day, sometimes three times a day at the gym, yeah, according to his staff. Well, he has to stay in shape to do those flip-flops."
Jay Leno: "Hey, but President Bush," he also "works out a lot. He's very fit. … The country's in bad shape but, oh, he's riding that bike every day."
Jay Leno: "And John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It's eight."
Jay Leno: "And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash."
Jay Leno: "The Dalai Lama says while he loves President Bush, he feels President Bush has a lack of understanding about reality. And in response, President Bush said today, 'Yeah, right, like there's such a thing as a talking llama.'"
Jay Leno: "Hey, new Batman movie opens tonight. … In this one, Batman faces the most evil villain yet, a Countrywide Mortgage lender."
David Letterman: "Happy Birthday, Senator Larry Craig," who turns "63 years old on Sunday. … He has a big party planned. Earlier today, he shoved invitations under all the stalls."
David Letterman: "You see a lot of strange, interesting things in New York City. For example, on my lunch hour today, I walked up through Central Park. And this was crazy. I saw Jesse Jackson" going "after a squirrel's nuts."
Conan O'Brien: "We're doing things a little differently tonight…because Sen. John McCain is here. … You see, normally on Friday, we would tape our show at 4:30. But to accommodate Sen. McCain, we agreed to tape the show at 5:30. Yeah. Yeah, Sen. McCain wasn't available at 4:30 because that's when he eats dinner."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's time in office as quote, 'a total failure.'" Bush "defended himself, saying, 'Oh, come on, I've hardly spent any time in my office.'"
Jay Leno: "Yesterday, President Bush lifted the executive ban on drilling for oil in certain parts of the country. … Now, don't confuse that with President Clinton. He was the first to lift the executive ban on drilling in the Oval Office. That was totally different."
Jay Leno: "In an interview, Barack Obama revealed that he and Michelle had their first kiss while sitting on a curb after he bought her a Baskin and Robbins. … I think that's nice. Usually, when you see a guy buying a date an ice cream cone and asking for a kiss, it's on 'Dateline Predator.'"
Jay Leno: "In San Francisco, a 75-year-old woman came out of retirement to start a new career as a stripper. 75 years old. See, that's when you know we got to do something about Social Security, okay?"
Jay Leno: "Things are not going well between Madonna and her brother after he released his controversial new book, 'Life With My Sister, Madonna.' Yeah, yeah. I don't want to say Madonna's mad at him, but I understand today, she called Jesse Jackson looking for a favor."
David Letterman: "Well, you know, we're in the middle of a banking crisis. Today on television, President Bush assured Americans that he is taking steps to resolve the financial crisis. Well, that's good enough for me. Come on, let's go to the park."
David Letterman: "Brett Favre says he has reconsidered his decision to retire and he wants to get back in the game. Today Hillary Clinton said, 'You can do that?'"
Jay Leno: "Well, Phil Gramm, he's under for calling Americans 'a bunch of whiners.' He also said, 'The country is in a mental recession.' See, we're experiencing mental slowdown. That's kind of like President Bush."
Jay Leno: "Earlier this week the Senate approved a new eavesdropping bill which means they're now allowed to listen to what you say without you knowing it. Yeah, yeah. You know who is really upset about this? Jesse Jackson."
Jay Leno: "President Bush signed a bill giving phone companies immunity for letting the government spy on its customers without a warrant. Isn't that unbelievable? President Bush said 9/11 changed everything. And you know, he's right. Because violating the Constitution, breaking the law, used to mean jail time."
Jay Leno: "The other day, the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties. Remember, he was forced to land? Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plant. You know what they found? The bolts were fine. The bolts on the plane were fine. But apparently, Jesse Jackson has taken some of the nuts off the plane."
Jay Leno: Jesse Jackson said he "wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that? 'Cut off your testicles? What could that mean?'"
Jay Leno: "Insiders claim that although Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately, he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill with Hillary. It's the same thing."
Jay Leno: "Anyway, today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama. And Obama said, 'Keep your hands where I can see them!'"
Jay Leno: "Some people are saying that the media is biased toward Barack Obama. … He does get the better magazine covers. … Look, here's Barack Obama. He's on the cover of Time, okay? Newsweek, Rolling Stone. Now, I don't want to be unfair, but now look at this. Like for example, McCain, he's on the cover of 'Codger Beat.'"
Conan O'Brien: Today's New York Times, you heard about this? Has once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he's not a natural born US citizen. That's what they're saying, yeah. Apparently, McCain was born outside of the 13 colonies."
Conan O'Brien: "Jesse Jackson says he's trying to put his remarks about cutting Barack Obama's nuts off…behind him. And he says that Obama has accepted his apology. Yeah. In fact, if he's elected, Obama says he'll appoint Jesse Jackson secretary of nut cutting."
Conan O'Brien: "This week, Barack Obama was endorsed by the US Black Golfers Association. Yeah. Could make the difference, yeah. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players."
Conan O'Brien: "Last night, Hillary Clinton appeared at a fund raiser with Barack Obama, and Obama told the crowd that Hillary rocks. That's what he said. Yeah, then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff."
Jay Leno: "Obama's wife, Michelle, pretty distraught when she first heard the news that his plane had problems. Although, not nearly as distraught as Hillary Clinton when she heard everything was okay."
Jay Leno: "And as you know, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together and to show their unity. … That shows you what a great country this is. Only in America can a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called sincerity."
Jay Leno: "And Barack Obama is now denying that he is e-mail pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. … In fact, his exact words were, 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'"
Jay Leno: "And here's a comment many people are calling racist. This is a stupid thing to say. It seems the Republican Party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the 'LA Times' that Barack Obama was just 'John Kerry with a tan.' … Well, using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate."
Jay Leno: "Actually, speaking of John McCain, I thought this was nice." He "went to North Carolina last week to visit 89-year-old Evangelical legend, the Reverend Billy Graham. And he was frail and confused and couldn't visit for long. But Billy Graham looked great."
Jay Leno: "And President Bush, trying to get up to speed on this energy crisis, and not a moment too soon. This guy is on top of everything. But Bush said, now, he's not just for offshore drilling," he also "says he's looking for other alternatives. Like, today, he supports drilling for solar energy. See, I don't think he quite understands."
Jay Leno: "As you know, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met last week in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together and to show their unity. ... That shows you what a great country this is. Only in America can a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called sincerity."
Jay Leno: "Barack Obama is now denying that he is e-mail pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. ... In fact, his exact words were, 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'"
Conan O'Brien: "The Democratic convention is being held at a 20,000-seat arena in Denver," but Barack Obama "has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver's 80,000-seat football stadium. ... Meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker." =
Jimmy Kimmel: "I guess there was one small incident where she jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run him over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well."
David Letterman: "But when the decision was read, it created pandemonium. Court Justice Scalia had to fire two warning shots to settle people down."
David Letterman: "And then at the White House, just for fun, Dick Cheney went out and peppered a buddy with some bird shot."
David Letterman: "Al Gore. Think about it." If he endorses you, "you're getting an endorsement from a guy who has received an Academy Award, received a Grammy," and the "Nobel Prize." Oh, and "Gore…also won a competitive eating contest."
David Letterman: "And now, of course, going head to head, you have Barack Obama and John McCain. They're already putting together debates. Here's how it will be. Barack Obama says after each question, he wants a one-minute response. And John McCain says after each question, he wants a five- minute nap."
Conan O'Brien: "Barack Obama's staff and John McCain's staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. … Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before 'Wheel of Fortune.'"
Conan O'Brien: "Speaking of Barack Obama, yesterday, Barack Obama said, if he becomes president, he will replace the White House bowling alleys because it's something he would never use. … Yeah, apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House Library."
Conan O'Brien: "This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. … Yeah, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who Have Been Attacked by Hillary Clinton." =
David Letterman: "I don't know if you know this, but John McCain has now got a bandage on his head. … Apparently, he tried to answer the iron."
David Letterman: "Here's good news. Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Uhhh...Isn't that what he was doing for Hillary?"
David Letterman: "But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I'm thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader."
Craig Ferguson: "It's a great day for America, everybody," because "the Democrats announced today there won't be any fried food at their convention. … In other words, Al Gore won't be there."
Jimmy Kimmel: "The latest Bloomberg poll shows" Barack Obama "has a 15-point lead over John McCain." Obama "leads in men, in women, with young people" and "minorities. In fact," McCain is only "beating Obama…in calcium deposits."
David Letterman: Top Ten Things Overheard on Hillary Clinton's First Day Back at Work. "10. 'Nice of you to show up.' 9. 'Did you win?' 8. 'We chipped in for a welcome back pantsuit.' 7. 'Should I take the Madame President nameplate off your door?' 6. 'Hillary's choking another superdelegate.' 5. 'On the bright side, you can once again partake in endless debates about agricultural subsidies.' 4. 'Senator Clinton, please stop throwing wads of paper at Senator Obama's head.' 3. 'I can't believe your shrill message of fear didn't resonate.' 2. 'Please stop taunting her, Senator Kerry.' 1. 'We'll begin as soon as Senator Craig returns from the restroom.'"
David Letterman: "How about this, ladies and gentlemen? Hillary Clinton is out campaigning with Barack Obama. … She says if it goes well, she'll consider making him her running mate."
Craig Ferguson: "Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today." And "it was a very awkward moment when they shook hands because McCain's hand broke off."
Craig Ferguson: "John McCain and Barack Obama have both laid out their energy plans. Obama wants enough 'green' energy to power the entire US economy, and McCain just wants enough energy to stay up past nine o'clock."
David Letterman: "Well, here it goes. We're heating up the presidential campaign," and John McCain and Barack Obama are "already bickering" about what "to do when they catch Osama bin Laden. … Obama wants to bring him to trial," but "McCain wants to shoot him. Both really good ideas," but "I said to myself, 'Guys, guys, how about somebody finding him first?'"
David Letterman: "Barack Obama" has "apparently" started "a fashion trend, and Italy is designing clothing based on how Barack Obama dresses. And I said, 'Well, yeah, that'll connect him with the angry working class voters.'"
David Letterman: "But…John McCain" has also "inspired a new line of clothing. And I believe if you want some of the John McCain stuff, it's being sold at the Very Old Navy."
Craig Ferguson: "John McCain says that if elected president, he will give a $300 million prize to anyone who can design a new car battery." McCain "can get a new type" of battery "invented because he's the guy…that came up with the idea of not cranking" the car "up at the start."
Jay Leno: "Thanks for coming out on such a hot day. … It was so hot, Barack Obama met with Al Gore just for the shade."
Jay Leno: "Yesterday, a bunch of these Bear Stearns hedge funds guys were arrested for shady business practices. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade, today Bear Stearns…announced they're opening a new division specializing in bail bonds."
Jay Leno: "The government says they're focusing on some e-mails that show these guys may have given bad investment advice. For example, a lot of the e-mails began, 'I'm a diplomat currently living in exile in Nigeria.'"
Jay Leno: "President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of Iowa this week, but they did not cross each other's path. McCain said he didn't want to join up with Bush because that might send the wrong message. You know, nothing turns voters off more than people getting together for a noble cause."
Jay Leno: "Well, listen to this. According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the US arsenal are lost and cannot be located. Huh? We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction."
Jay Leno: "In their defense," the "Air Force said today there is a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it, which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses!
Jay Leno: "Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. … Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'"
David Letterman: "President Bush has ordered…his troops now to find Osama bin Laden. Yep. Boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?"
Conan O'Brien: "Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. … Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'"
Jay Leno: "President Bush went to Iowa today." He "wanted to show Iowans that disaster is difficult, but it can be overcome. Of course, people in Iowa were a little confused. They weren't sure which disaster President Bush was talking about, the floods or his presidency. Which one?"
Jay Leno: "And Hillary Clinton is taking a month off from her job as senator to rest up from her campaign. How does that work? Think about this. You've been neglecting your job, trying to get a better job," which you do not get. So, you then "take a month off from the job you were trying to get out of and go on vacation. Huh?"
Jay Leno: "Imagine if you tried that with your boss. 'Hey, boss, listen. Boss, I'll tell you, I've been looking for another job. I am exhausted! I want to take a month off. Here's where you can send my check.' Ah, stop it!"
Jay Leno: "And Michelle Obama, Barack Obama's wife, was on 'The View' yesterday, and she managed to do something on that show that no one else has ever done. She got a word in edgewise."
Jay Leno: "And President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally."
Conan O'Brien: "Yesterday on 'The View,'" Barack Obama's "wife Michelle did the fist-bump with all the co-hosts. … And then she said that the fist-bump is the new high-five." After "hearing this, John McCain asked, 'What the hell is a high-five?'"
Conan O'Brien: "The latest rumor is that Hillary Clinton," who "lost the Democratic nomination," is "going to divorce Bill Clinton. … Yeah, Hillary's exact quote was, 'Just because my dream didn't come true doesn't mean his shouldn't.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Barack Obama announced today he will not accept $85 million in public financing for his presidential campaign. I guess he's raising more money on his own," but "$85 million is a lot of money." In fact, that much money "can get you a whole summer's worth of gas for your SUV."
Jay Leno: "Well, according to the most recent survey, 14% of the people believe that we will see $5 a gallon gas by the end of the year. … The other 86% think we'll see it by the end of the week."
Jay Leno: "Well, today it was made public that Hillary Clinton spent $212 million on her campaign for the nomination. … The last time anybody spent that kind of money to come in second was the New York Yankees."
Jay Leno: "But you know something? I think Hillary may secretly be glad that this whole thing is over, because now she can go back to doing what she loves most -- hunting, drinking whiskey, shooting. You know, get back to her roots, as we saw."
Jay Leno: "Well, the good news is Hillary is on Barack Obama's list for potential vice presidents. … The bad news: she's just a little bit below the Reverend Wright."
Jay Leno: "But I thought Hillary was very gracious" in her concession speech. She gave Barack Obama "her full support. And today, she sent him a basket of fresh tomatoes."
Jay Leno: "Well, Barack Obama took the weekend off from campaigning. He said on Saturday night he went on a date with his wife, Michelle. … The nice thing is they can stay out late on Saturday nights without having to worry about getting up to go to church anymore."
Jay Leno: "And in his new blog -- you know, he's got a blog. McCain has a blog now. He announced he is a huge Abba fan. Abba! Well, that will bring in the young voters, huh?"
Jay Leno: "And John McCain has a new slogan: 'A leader we can believe in." That's a good slogan. Don't confuse that with President Bush's slogan: 'We can't believe he's our leader.'"
Jay Leno: "A lot of US airports are getting these full body scanners, you know, where they can actually see through your clothes. And a lot of people are uncomfortable with this. And they say anyone who is uncomfortable can choose to get patted down instead. Well, that's a nice choice."