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I used to work in a level one trauma center, which basically means, you get EVERYTHING and anything. I was one the youngest employees there, earning early exposure to a number of things, and some shifts were just surreal. After a few years, death just became death. The end. To protect myself, my heart hardened. My sense of humor tarnished so that no one else could understand me beyond my co-workers.
I was the phone call no one wanted. "Are you Mr. Miller? Can you please come down? Your son is here in critical condition."
Although I'm glad to have learned about life all I did, it took a number of years after leaving for the numbness to wear off. I could go into the blood and gore details of experience after experience, but what truly strikes me is the shadow of death. An emotion so often brushed under the rug, it's easier to pretend it isn't real.
One of my mother's friends who had cancer fell out of remission just over a month ago.
In her sixties, a vibrant woman of all smiles, I always pictured her in a fluffy red boa, sparkly hat, silky purple dress, and jewelry with all the bling. When I heard the cancer had returned at a vicious rate, this image changed.
When I heard she had to go back to chemo, I made a fun bracelet for her to wear, complete with a 'hope' ribbon and pearls. Sometimes, small tokens like these give us a source of strength. She told me she'd wear it every time she got treatment. These are the little things to treasure that so many people let pass by.
For over seven years, I have been treated at various cancer centers due to an unknown blood disorder, and I have met and seen the most courageous, authentic, beautiful, humorous people living their life to the fullest.
I have dealt with depression, bipolar, eating disorders, etc. Sometimes I feared I would get overcome by life and let it pass by like so many of us do. Yet, here were these amazing people more full of life than anyone else I knew, despite the fact physically they were losing it. They were keeping it together where others of us just unravel, myself included. I have always prayed for these people and asked God, "Let them have their life, they obviously are passionate and have a thirst for life!"
I loved how the infusion centers were set up. The chairs faced one another, you became a group, you got to know everyone, and when a patient's chemo was done, the nurses would come out with bells, kazoos, whistles, and a big birthday cake! In a cancer community, it's about more than just medicine. Everyone knows your name. The staff get to know you so well, they even know what type of soda you always want, all the little things. That's what medical care and treatment should be.
Memories flood me.
Last night I got a message. Beta had passed away before we could even get to the hospital.
Part of me almost longs for those post trauma center days, but I no longer feel that blank detached sense of darkness. I feel and experience the emotions of grieving and loss. The only condolence I am able to draw comfort from right now is that it was quick and it was painless.
If you have ever read Tuesday's with Morrie, he wanted to celebrate his life and not have some sovereign funeral with crappy appetizers and people dressed in black all stoic. Beta would have celebrated, probably sucked some helium out of balloons, and sang karaoke with her high squeaky voice, and of course, glamorously dressed to the nines. So, I'm going to celebrate her too.
How does this have anything to do with eating disorders and recovery?
– Live your life –
Your life is precious. Live your life. Find connection when you feel lost. Do not zone out and let it pass you by!
Make a list or journal about how much the eating disorder has taken from your life: sports, hobbies, school, friends, finances, health, relationships, meaning, purpose, etc. Use this as motivation to no longer stay prisoner.
If you have a rough body image day, go pick out one of your favorite outfits you just love to wear. If you like to put on makeup and do your hair, go for it.
If you have friends and want to go out, do it. Getting out the door is the hardest part.
If it's in the middle of the night, put on some good music and just dance away dark feelings rather than stay curled up. This can actually be very freeing and fun! Temporarily immerse yourself in the music and know you are beautiful. My level of dancing is right up there with Napoleon Dynamite. I actually got kicked out of a beginner's tap dancing class my roommate and I took for fun in our twenties. I don't care, though. I just let it go because it feels great!
If you have a special token from someone or something, keep it with you for frequent, uplifting reminders to take the next best step. One of my favorite nurses at the cancer center I currently live gave me this beautiful 23rd Psalm key chain and I always have it with me. (In fact, it's what I use to scratch my lotto tickets)
Lastly, let emotions run their course. Things can get really, really hard. At times, it will seem overwhelming and intense. This was me yesterday reading part of some book at Target with tears streaming down my face. Despite what society portrays, it's actually quite healthy to feel your emotions. The woman looking at me funny just doesn't know that yet! After all, it took me decades to accept!
The holidays are coming, and they can be triggering for anyone. The triggers are not just centered on the food; it often goes much deeper into layers of relationships, memories, and years of old patterns that may resurface.
Christmas used to be my favorite time of year as a kid. The decorations, the smells, and the traditions were almost magical. Now, I am grieving and trying to use my wise mind no matter what the situation.
Be proactive and work out a plan for your holiday triggers. You are stronger than you think. Do what's best and supportive of your recovery. This is a season of love and giving, self included! Be gentle. Be kind. Be wise.
Try not to let this be just another holiday season that passes you by. A woman in her sixties once to told me, "Honey! You might as well go for it!" Smiling, I know Beta did just that. She took life by the horns.
"If I only had a cape and tiara, I could change the world." Beta had one; she definitely left a mark. We are hanging an angel in honor of her this year, and I know she is flying over us right now.
If you, too, are grieving this holiday season, I recommend trying to create a new tradition to honor and celebrate those you miss. A small token can make big waves.
And a mantra for you:
Keep Being Brave
Trust your Strength
Surrender your Fear
Sing Out Loud
Believe in Healing
Unleash you Joy
Celebrate the gift of Today
Never Give Up
As we go through our lives, stress from daily routines and other factors can play a part in the development of eating disorders and other conditions. Compulsive overeating is one such condition and is also known as Binge Eating Disorder (BED). It is categorized by frequent binge eating without the consistent use of purging, laxatives, or excessive exercise to counter the eating. Often it is hard to tell if someone has an eating disorder, and it can be extremely difficult for the person to recognize what is happening to his or her body and seek assistance. Symptoms of compulsive overeating include:
While the exact cause of BED is unknown, there are biological, psychological, and social influencers that may trigger the development of the condition. If you feel that you may be overeating, there are many things you can do to help regain control. Make sure to eat three meals each day, along with healthy snacks, instead of junk food and sweets. Discontinuing a diet, and getting enough rest and exercise can help manage stress and get your body back to its natural healthy ways. If these do not work, seeking help and treatment from your doctor or a therapist who specializes in eating disorders are the best courses of action.
For a majority of people with eating disorders, weight gain is the greatest fear, challenge, and roadblock to recovery. I get it. It's been my hardest battle, too. I hope some of these tips help you cope with weight restoration regardless of what stage of change you may find yourself, whether just considering recovery or actually maintaining progress after treatment.
To lift some pressure to help you get started, you could try approaching your recovery as an experiment. A gain doesn't have to be forever, but at least give yourself some time to work with the differentness of being in a weight-restored body with a nourished brain before you write it off. Hopefully, you will stick recovery through long enough to find relief. But, in a worst case scenario, you can always go back to your eating disorder. First, though, give yourself a chance.
If your body image is still making you miserable, remember that an overwhelming majority of those who recover agree that healing body image is the longest step of recovery. Be gentle with yourself as it may very well take more time for the mind to catch up than for the body to heal.
Here are 8 suggestions to help you along your way.
1. Remind yourself of why you began recovery in the first place. As time passes, it can be easy to begin glamorizing the aspects of the eating disorder that you liked. Do you want to find yourself in the same pain that motivated you to start recovery in the first place? I don't think so! If you ever reminisce about the good old days of your eating disorder, you have to complete the picture by reconsidering the awful ones too. Dig deep and get to the ugly. What has your eating disorder taken away from you (hobbies, career, relationships, money, energy, hope, etc.)? What complications have you endured? How does having an eating disorder impact your daily life? Also, ask yourself what you are looking forward to by healing. I once made a gratitude list of 101 things I loved about life. From fresh cut fruit to freedom, what are some of your own gratitudes? Together, these are all motivators for your healing.
2. Come up with a food is fuel mantra that works for YOU, such as, "Food is my medicine right now." Nourishment is a form of medicine, self-respect, and love. Appreciate the foods you DO enjoy. As I learned more about the medicinal values of various whole foods, I began conversing with food on a whole new level. For example, changing my use of food language allowed me to transform my relationship with healthy fats. When I learned walnuts are shaped like the brain and are a healthy brain food thanks to their Omega-3 essential fatty acid content, I changed my internal conversation from, "OMG, these walnuts are fattening and going straight to my bottom half," to, "This is fueling my brain to help with clear thinking and stable mood. The fats are vital for my nervous system to function at optimum levels." When I eat avocados, I still think, "Oh yeah. This is going straight to…the shine in my hair, skin, and nails."
3. Be prepared to deal with body shape, weight, and appearance comments. Be prepared that many well intended people will want to compliment you on your accomplishment of "filling out a bit" and looking so much "better", so much "healthier"! Some people will not know better and others may not be able to help themselves because they are so relieved and thankful. For someone still ambivalent about weight restoration, a seemingly innocent word like "healthy" can become a tossed grenade that explodes upon our recovery parade. If this happens, it helps to remind yourself that your eating disorder is confusing enough to you. Imagine how confusing it is to the general population. A little compassion can go a long way as a distress tolerance skill with these unwanted comments. In more valued relationships, you may decide to engage in conversation about how you actually interpret appearance-based comments. In all fairness, what we think at times hardly makes sense. PS. Healthy does not mean fat.
4. Just say no to "Thinspiration!" I know; it's everywhere. The longer you have had an eating disorder, the more likely it is deeply embedded into your life. You don't always even have to be looking for it. And it goes way beyond magazines and websites. I've been sidetracked on Facebook by someone's alarming new profile picture, where they have clearly lost weight. Catching the interest of my eating disorder thoughts and with just a few clicks later, I could be perusing through photo albums of others with eating disorders –sucked into the abyss looking for thinspiration. Don't let your social media support become a weapon of destruction against your hard earned progress. If you find yourself caught in a web of thinspiration, whether online or offline, remind yourself of why you began recovery in the first place. These people likely have very painful struggles they are dealing with, too. Every eating disorder has a shadow. Try not to torture yourself with thinspiration. Instead, fill up your newsfeed with pro-recovery outlets!
5. Avoid excessive body checking. There are so many ways we do this without realizing it. The most obvious way is probably the use of a scale, but some things are more discreet such as seeking your reflection in reflective surfaces or measuring body parts by wrapping around your fingers. Some of us might have certain clothing items we use to reference our body in space, such as a certain pair of "skinny jeans" that we taunt ourselves with. Consider donating or consigning these items. While body checking is often intended to provide some level of comfort or relief, conflict ensues when we are not happy with the number, size, or measurement. There are schools of thought that we shouldn't know our weight at all and others that suggest using blind weigh-ins at the beginning of recovery and gradual weight exposure over time. If there is no way you are giving up your scale, at least consider putting this quote up on a post-it note nearby, "This scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, possibility, strength, or love."
6. Spend time with encouraging social supports. Reduce your exposure to people who are weight or appearance obsessed. Set the tone and ditch the "fat talk" mania. Encourage your social supports to follow suit. Surround yourself with people who are uplifting and encouraging of others. You probably have enough trouble with criticizing yourself. You do not need further exposure to negative chitter chatter! Positive people will more likely help you appreciate both your inner and outer beauty. It's also helpful to have a body image role model, whether someone who has recovered for an eating disorder or simply owns body confidence.
7. Adopt doable distraction techniques. Distraction techniques will not cure underlying issues, but they will help you avoid behavior use, which is incredibly empowering. You also deserve a break from the eating disorder thoughts and behaviors. Urges are temporary and will pass. While they may return, it lifts one's spirits to be able to conquer urges when they present. I have used whatever works in the moment when I need a shift in focus away from negative body image. I may choose to read, watch TV, or color a mandala. I often use essential oils as a grounding distraction. Listening to music can change my train of thought quite easily as well. You may wish to call, text, or IM a friend. Snuggle up with your furbabies. Don't be afraid to spend some time day dreaming about a goal you've had. Mental rehearsing plants the seed of success. Or maybe you are a list maker. Do anything other than accept mental torment from ED. J
8. Practice joyous exercise. Exercise can be a touchy subject with regards to eating disorders. If you have a history of excessive exercise, please consider exploring this in a therapeutic relationship, especially before reintroducing exercise into your life. Always seek medical clearance before engaging in exercise. In some cases, you may need a physical therapist to begin physical activity once cleared by your team. Exercise can have incredible benefits when practiced in moderation, including antidepressant benefits. Healthy exercise can also encourage a nourishing appetite, increased energy, and sound sleep – all elements of a balanced lifestyle. When possible, choose joy filled activities such as yoga, gardening, and surfing, where the focus is more likely to be on the activity than the eating disorder. Warning signs of excessive or abusive exercise may include: skipping social opportunities to work out, distress when a workout is missed, unwilling to allow rest days, being driving by obsessive thoughts, using exercise to purge calories, and exercising despite injury.
You've made it way too far and worked way too hard to give up now! I cannot emphasize enough that glamorizing the eating disorder only opens the gateway to relapse. Sure, the eating disorder served a purpose for you for a long time, but don't forget it stopped working, which is why you decided to start your healing. If you find yourself wishing you were thinner or that you had not gained weight, know you are also wishing for all of the pain, struggle, and misery the eating disorder left you. And, you certainly don't need all of that! You are worth a life worth living.]]>
Recovery from an eating disorder is complex. It's full of rollercoasters, intense emotions, radical acceptance, willingness over willfulness, courage, and perseverance. It's easy to go back to negative behaviors where the eating disorder can calm anxiety and make you feel like you have control. But, in actuality, you are only locking yourself back in the box while the ED destroys your life. Bottom line: Recovery can be very scary. As you continue your recovery journey, you will have to face both old and new fears. By gaining a new perspective of how to conquer those fears, you will build more strength and courage every time you step out of the box and face that fear.
If you have read my other posts, you know that I used to be very athletic triathlete and cyclist. As I move further into my recovery and have begun to work towards reclaiming those passions, I have had to look fear straight in the face. It's not a perfect road…Some days I can do it; other days I might hang back a little and tip toe outside the box. I have a hard time being patient with myself and remembering that my body is still healing, thus when it comes to biking and swimming, I need to learn to be more forgiving without letting fear take over and quitting completely.
I have recently joined a community center that I can both bike to and swim once I'm there. I felt like a small child holding my mom's hand when I went to try swimming. Luckily, I chose to face this fear by choosing to go with someone from my support system. It was my first time there actually using the facilities, and I didn't understand how the locker rooms worked. A swim team was starting, and I hate being cold, which all lap pools are kept at a cooler temperature. I had anxiety just thinking about going. Seeing the swim team was intimidating and brought up old emotions of when I swam on a team. I knew my stamina was definitely not up to par, and fear immediately took over telling me, "You can't swim, look at those girls, they are in the best shape and can swim forever." I hovered over the lane edge, knowing the cold rush I would feel as soon as I dove. Half of me was saying, "no, no, no!" The wise mind other half was telling me, "at least jump in, you love swimming and you have to start somewhere."
With a deep breath I took the dive and immediately began sprinting down the lane trying to warm myself up. I could feel my body maxing out, which was a bit frustrating, but I accomplished a small step towards my larger goal. I may have only done two laps but I didn't quit, I tried it, and I can prepare myself better the next time. I was a bit discouraged, yet at the same time, I was trying to turn my mind and use it for more motivation.
Now, I could get down on myself and compare doing two laps to two miles. However, the initial goal was breaking the box, and I at least jumped in and tried. The next time, I knew what to expect a little more, and although there is still a bit of anxiety, I try to keep pushing myself and not have any expectations other than getting in the pool and swimming. In time, I hope it becomes therapeutic as it used to be.
Another example of overcoming recovery related fears centers around social situations. After isolating for so long, it's easy to decline the party invitations, going out for meals, returning to work, etc. This may sound silly, but I was invited to see a movie with my neighbor about a book we've been discussing. I tend to experience a panic state going to theatres, so I seldom ever go. I don't think I've been to a movie since Harry Potter. Everything inside of me was screaming no! Then, I took into consideration that this was a social event, very few that I ever have, and I needed to push myself instead of hiding in my apartment or avoiding with other tasks. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face….we must do that which we think we cannot." I tried using my wise mind, and made the goal that every day I will push myself to face at least one fear, big or small.
Tess Marshall, M.A., who specializes in learning how to live a bold life, has created nine tips to face fear in the face so it no longer rules our lives:
Try and do one thing each day that might cause fear and invite it into your life. Let yourself feel it and breathe through it. Every time you conquer a fear, it builds courage and opens up new doors in your life. Such examples I've had this week: actually going to the pool, going to a movie, cycling more and building up a commuter bike, and facing strong anxiety that seems to build in the evening with some yoga.
Give yourself positive mantras, thoughts, and positive energy that generate success, whereas more fearful thoughts will just attract more fear. I have my apartment posted with random quotes and affirmations. Sometimes they get stuck in my head which helps me turn my negative thoughts around.
Take action towards fear and don't let opportunities continue to pass you by. This can be difficult, but if you continue to be consistent, prepared, focusing on solutions, that energy will further motivate you to conquer what's ahead. This is a perfect example of facing my movie theater fear. I could decline and lose the opportunity to get to know my neighbor better (and possibly seeing a good movie), but I'm tired of letting fear and anxiety keep me imprisoned and losing out on opportunities to grow. If I don't like theatres still after, then I don't really have to ever go again. (Isn't that what Redbox is for?)
"Focus your attention on being ready, willing, and prepared for the beauty, wonder, connections, good fortune and favorable circumstances that are yours if you are willing to work and be open to it."
Every time you conquer a fear, don't brush it under the rug. Celebrate it and use it to continue building courage, motivation, and strength. For example, I rode the community center once, I can ride again. I got in the pool, and even though I didn't last long, I got in and tried to swim a few more laps as well as tried out their therapeutic pool – which is a bit warmer!
Read or learn about inspiring people, events, things that have occurred when people have faced fear in the face and overcome all obstacles to achieve their dream. Some examples are Walt Disney, Oprah, Robin Williams, etc. Maybe it's not a famous person or event; maybe it's a special person in your life. My mom may not be famous, but she is one of the most perseverant, compassionate, and courageous people I know. Do you have anyone you look up to? Why?
Use your support team to help you overcome fearful moments. The first time when I just wanted to try the pool (after changing about 10 times because I was letting anxiety take over and not wanting to go), my mom came with me and just said, "Jump in and see how it goes." It was a small step, but one more step of courage I can build upon to do it again.
Having a strong support team helps build that foundation of trust and more willingness to overcome the fear. Supporting each other can make tough moments easier, and possibly even more fun.
Create a list of your goals and conquer them. Use the SMART goal setting technique so you can celebrate even the tiniest step. The power is within you to overcome obstacles, and let your dreams and happiness re-enter your life. .
No longer do we have to let doubt, fear, and anxiety dominate our lives. Don't let the ED or fear steal anymore joy, sleep, dreams, and goals. DO NOT let FEAR define your life. You are all strong and courageous! Sometimes we just need to dust ourselves off and remember that "I CAN" reach my goals and dreams.
A few quotes to fight fear with:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."
"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." – Rumi
When you are feeling alone, depressed, scared, frustrated and bingeing away or running on the treadmill as if you were running from a pack of wolves, when you feel you have no place to turn and you reject all options, you still have an option.
Inspirational quotes come through your Twitter and Facebook pages on a regular basis, even if you are not looking for them. You can use them, not just for a momentary glimpse into a different way of thinking, but as a practical way to get back into recovery mode.
How? Do a google search on inspirational quotes. You'll find many sites with long lists of wise and profound words from people across time. Pay attention to how you feel as you read them.
When you find one that seems to speak to you or expresses what you wish you had or opens a window of perception for you, linger with it.
Write it down.
Break it down into daily tasks you can do to make that inspirational quote truly your own.
For example, if Rumi's quote above feels like it is wise guidance to having love in your life, then
This is not a time for self criticism. This is your looking at what those obstacles within might be.
Once you have a list, then you can journal about what you can do to dissemble those obstacles.
Many of your interior obstacles are strengthened by your eating disorder thinking and behaviors. As you follow your own ways of dissolving your obstacles in order to allow love in your life you discover that you are weakening your eating disorder.
Inspirational quotes can be wonderful guides and support for you.
Here are a few inspirational quote sites to get you started.
Brainy Quotes
Motivational and Inspirational Quotes
100 Top Inspirational Quotes – Forbes
101 Inspirational Quotes from Super Successful People
And more on this subject:
Inspirational Quotes as Recovery Assignments
Use Inspirational Quotes as Recovery Tools
Joanna Poppink, MFT, Los Angeles eating disorder recovery psychotherapist in private practice, author of Healing Your Hungry Heart: recovering from your eating disorder. Website firstname.lastname@example.com
When a person is living with an eating disorder, the effects of the disorder can be felt by everyone in his or her life. It can be extremely difficult to break old habits that lead to developing an eating disorder, which is why it is critical for patients seeking treatment to understand how to recognize the signs of a relapse. By doing so, a person can avoid relapsing and, instead, continue to make strides toward full recovery.
Signs of a Relapse
Patients are at the highest risk of experiencing a relapse between six and 17 months after they are discharged from a treatment center, but many do not know what brings on a relapse. Warning signs to watch for include:
• Feeling hopeless or stressed about your recovery
• Isolating yourself from family and friends
• Obsessing about your appearance or thinking constantly about food
• Hiding information from your treatment professional
Preventing a Relapse
If you notice any of these symptoms, the first thing to do is seek help from your doctor. Even if you feel like you just need someone to speak with about your recovery, talking to a professional is an important first step. This way you will be able to develop the skills you need to confront your disorder head-on and prevent a relapse from occurring.
Be open with your family and friends about your recovery because involving others helps add accountability and shows you how much support you have on your side. Getting treatment, developing a relapse prevention plan, and understanding how your feelings affect your health are all vital steps in your recovery.
From Mirasol ED Recovery Guest Blogwriter ~ Faith
One of the hardest paths in the journey of recovery and living a wholehearted life is retraining our negative thinking, showing ourselves the compassion that we are worthy and that we do deserve recovery. A major part of this process is learning how to embrace shame, guilt, fear, vulnerability, and worthiness. The eating disorder has trained us into negative thinkers with severe cognitive distortions, especially catastrophizing. We set the bar so high we can never reach it, making us feel flawed and never good enough. This leads to drowning in our fears, shame, and guilt at such a toxic level it sends us into a whirlwind making us sicker adding to anxiety, self-doubt, and lack of worthiness.
I never thought such a chaotic rollercoaster of recovery and relapse would go on for so many years, full of experiences beyond my own imagination, including so many experiences I'd like to just hide from and forget. To maintain recovery, I know I have to get at the roots of the disorder. I have kept them hidden and struggled with lack of worthiness every day for years.
It was only recently my therapist asked me to write a list of my shame. I was scared to death she was going to see what an evil person I was. I never thought I had been that "sick," but when I looked at the dreaded list I was astonished at all the events that had occurred during the depths of my disorder. This was not me, for I highly valued integrity and being authentic. The person on that page was a monster. Despite being at the full cliff of vulnerability giving this to my therapist, it was the first time I had ever verbalized any of it and just how toxically that list affected me every day.
Author and researcher Brene Brown created "Shame Resilience," as a process to learn how to deal with shame, guilt, and fear, so one can learn to cultivate compassion. "If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way-especially shame, fear, and vulnerability." She found that shame loses power when it is spoken, so I put myself out there with my therapist and took the first step.
One of the most helpful parts of Brown's work was separating guilt and shame.
Guilt=I did something bad. It is about our behaviors. It is just as powerful as shame, but the effect is often more positive, because it more tangible, leading to apologizing or changing a behavior.
Shame=I am bad. Shame is about who we are and is extremely destructive. It corrodes the part of us that believes we can change and do better.
Learning shame resilience is tedious and may involve some radical acceptance, but it can be an extremely critical and effective skill on your road to recovery. For those who have struggled for many years, these emotions may have built an ugly, interlaced web over many aspects of your life. I am still at the very beginning, taking baby steps, for guilt and shame runs deep. In addition, I have to face some things on my list, including consequences, every day—such as filling out job applications, trying to repair relationships, not being defined by the eating disorder, and even trying to find a few supportive people with whom I can share my story with.
Creating worthiness is a constant battle for me. This most likely comes from the fact that shame keeps me away from owning my story, leaving me worried that people will think less of me. I am fearful of being judged by my past and I want people to see me as I am now, not as the monster of my past. The basis for Brown's research is that: "Shame resilience is the ability to recognize shame, to move through it constructively while maintaining worthiness and authenticity, and to ultimately develop more courage, compassion, and connection as a result of our experience. The less we talk about shame, the more we have it."
Shame Resilience 101:
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.
1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.
2. We're all afraid to talk about shame. Shame is the fear of being unlovable, yet shame loses power when it's spoken.
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.
The three seeds of shame that grow quickly like weeds and intertwine you with thorny vines are secrecy, silence, and judgment. The basis for shame resilience is to learn how to recognize shame and move through it constructively, yet maintain worthiness and authenticity. These are critical aspects of recovery as we are rebuilding ourselves and redefining our values. Ultimately, developing more courage, compassion, and connection from these experiences and learning to talk about them, the less power they will have. The experiences we have had are all part of our story. While we don't need to go broadcasting them to everyone, finding a small, supportive group you can process with will help immensely. The eating disorder will quickly grab onto the weeds of shame and guilt, but practicing awareness and talking about it will help you keep growing with authenticity versus drowning in the swamp of unworthiness and fear.
Everyone has a different reaction to shame, and it is important to become mindful and aware of your own reaction. Dr. Linda Hartling, a relational-cultural theorist, found that in order to deal with shame, some withdraw and keep secrets, some move forward and try to please, and some move against by trying to gain power over others or being aggressive. The bottom line still comes down to the fact that shame is about fear, blame, and disconnection. It is our story that brings about worthiness, courage, compassion, and connection. We all have imperfections, and letting go of the perfectionistic aspect that the eating disorder loves to hold so high is a key value in recovery.
Most people have actual physical symptoms when they become aware of shame, and it's important to develop that awareness, too. For me, my negative thoughts start racing; my anxiety runs into a panic attack; my fight or flight rises; I want to run, hide, and isolate; and my level of worthiness drops so low it scares me into worrying I may have very negative, impulsive behaviors. However, by acknowledging and becoming aware of this process, I have learned to step back, take a few moments, practice deep breathing, maybe journal, and maybe go for a walk so I can think things through a little bit more. Basically, I have to create space and time for myself.
In order to begin figuring out your own shame-resilience and story claiming, Brown proposes four questions to help you become more aware:
1. Who do you become when you're backed into that shame corner?
2. How do you protect yourself?
3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties, the cry-n-hides, or the people-pleasing?
4. What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt?
Recovery is a process, and the eating disorder is only part of your story. Learning to acknowledge, own, and grow from all the experiences all help build compassion for yourself. I can live with regrets and shame and wish it all away, but there is no such magic wand. I now have to learn how to embrace and work through it, even if it's just with one supportive person. I have a lot to work through and it's not easy. Sometimes I just have to practice kindheartedness, even if some days I can't really believe the words. Rebuilding myself with compassion, love, belonging, and authenticity all starts at the same place: "I am worthy." And you are too!
Brown, B. (2010). The Gift ofImperfection. Center City, MN: Hazeldon.]]>
Author Brene Brown has written an amazing book entitled The Gifts of Imperfection (which I highly recommend getting from your library or online). She goes through 12 guideposts on how to start living a wholehearted life. The first one I wanted to touch base on is how to cultivate compassion for ourselves and begin to let go of perfectionism due to the fact that among those diagnosed with eating disorders, perfectionism is a highly noted characteristic. It runs rampant in our lives, tells us what is good and not good, and makes us believe that the number on the scale determines our worth; it even causes some to believe they have to be a perfectionist at their eating disorder.
In learning to discover ourselves without the eating disorder, we have to start building our whole hearted self, including being able to show ourselves some self-compassion, which can be difficult after abusing ourselves for so many years. Anna Quindlen was quoted, "The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." Embracing our story and becoming our true authentic self is an exhilarating experience. As the suffocation of the eating disorder lifts more and more, you, too, will understand.
Perfectionism can be toxic and poisonous. It leads to depression, anxiety, addiction, and what Brown terms as "life paralysis." Life paralysis is missing out on all the opportunities, dreams, and other events/goals because of the fear of being imperfect or failing. This all comes together to determine your self-worth, which of course is a distorted line of thinking and leaves you missing out on this amazing thing called LIFE!
Brown notes there is a definite difference between healthy striving and perfectionism. The following myths will most likely sound very much like the negative tape running over and over in your head, especially at the height of your disorder.
-Perfectionism is not being the best at everything, not looking or acting perfect, nor does it foster growth. Rather, it works as a "twenty-ton" shield that we believe protects us but actually holds us back from making any type of forward process.
-The core of perfectionism is trying to earn approval and acceptance, which does not reinforce self-improvement. This is one of the most common themes found among those with eating disorders. Many are raised or conditioned feeling as though they need to be the best, be people pleasers, and need acceptance all while their self-worth is defined merely by their achievements and what others think of them.
Adversely, Brown came up with her own definitions/guidelines of perfectionism:
-It is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fields this primary thought. Essentially, if you look beautiful, make great achievements, and do everything perfectly, it minimizes the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
-Perfectionism is self-destructive because there is no such thing as "perfect." This unattainable goal is based off illusive perception, and no matter how many awards, no matter what the scale says, you cannot control one's perception. This is a perfect opportunity to practice some self-compassion.
-Due to the fact that we experience constant shame, judgment, and blame, especially in the midst of our eating disorders, perfection becomes addictive. The false belief that if we were perfect enough we would be able to do everything right leaves us not knowing how to deal with such emotions. This faulty belief encompasses a major root of the eating disorder, because it is wrapped up tightly in shame, judgment, and blame.
-Another common trait among people suffering from an eating disorder is the constant negative voice telling them that "I'll never be good enough." Because they cannot reach such unattainable expectations, feelings of shame and judgment are too much to handle leading to self-blame, resulting in the management of such strong emotions through using the eating disorder.
Beginning to overcome perfectionism, as we disconnect from the eating disorder self and begin to build our authentic identity, we need to be able to identify, understand, and acknowledge our vulnerabilities, including the shame and judgment we carry. In reaction, we need to start allowing for more self-compassion and the process begins with accepting our imperfections. Within this practice, we begin to find courage, compassion, and connection. This is not an easy process as perfectionism and vulnerability often lead to the chronic compulsiveness and addiction the eating disorder imprisoned us with. It's not a one-step magical process, but by taking one small step at a time and working on the negative tape of thoughts running through your mind, you begin breaking through the trap of perfectionism.
One personal example is that I was extremely compulsive about being prepared for everything and always being on time, usually even thirty minutes early for any appointment or scheduled event. I had a Mary Poppins bag ready for any situation. A few years ago, I served on a Mercy Ship that served the west coast of Africa, and even the best Mary Poppins bag could not prepare me for what I was in store for there. I learned about "Africa-time" which basically meant when they said they would see you later, it might be eight hours. My first day, I was literally bucketing water from the flooded medical clinic on the ship. I worried, "I am going to sail on this thing?" I did, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Since my return, I definitely am still on a reduced version of "Africa-time" and am much less compulsive about being prepared, trusting that things will work out somehow. I had to rewrite the negative tape.
Brown breaks down two examples of self-talk: perfectionism self-talk and healthy-striving self-talk.
Perfectionism self-talk: I'm fat and ugly. I cannot reach my expectations. I'm a constant failure. I'll disappoint everyone; I always mess up. The number on the scale determines my self-worth and it's never good enough.
Healthy-striving self-talk: I am worthy of love and respect and can be accepted for my authentic self. I will invite courage, compassion, and connection into my life. This journey is for me, and I will take one step at a time. I am strong and I can do this.
As I said, this is not an instantaneous process, but nothing in recovery is. You'll find it's all part of the journey.
When Brown further researched healing perfectionism, she discovered that many women spoke of their imperfections honestly without shame and fear. They acknowledged they were doing the best they could and slowed the practice of judgment. A strong root of courage, compassion, and connection was at the core of how they treated themselves. Once again, these can be difficult things to begin to practice: start slowly, one day at a time, and take baby steps if need be. You are doing the best you can!
Self-compassion is at the root of beginning to accept ourselves and being able to live an authentic and wholehearted life. Dr. Kristin Neff, who specializes in research on self-compassion, divides it into three parts:
Self-kindness: Feel our feelings and accept them rather than punish ourselves with inadequacy and beat ourselves up with self-criticism.
Common humanity: Suffering and inadequacy are a shared human experience-it's not just you! Give yourself a break because nobody is perfect. That's what makes us all authentic and unique.
Mindfulness: Similar to the DBT practice, we take a balanced approach to all of our emotions, but we don't get stuck in the sand trap. We let ourselves feel our emotions, but let them run through our "Teflon" mind, so we don't get stuck in a field of negativity.
At the end of each chapter of Brown's Gifts of Imperfection, she uses the acronym DIG, get Deliberate, get Inspired, and get Going! (I have used her acronyms before and love them, I am constantly still using TGIF: Thankfulness, Giving, Inspiration, and Faith).
So DIG deep into imperfection and self-compassion:
Deliberate: Brown suggests taking Dr. Neff's Self-Compassionate scale to help you begin to understand where you are at in terms of compassion, self-kindness, mindfulness, etc. This test can be found at www.self-compassion.org.
Inspired: Take off the mask. The process of recovery is learning to be your authentic self, real and imperfect, letting go of all control. "Imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders that we're all in this together." You are not alone, and it's often those vulnerable moments that bring us closer together.
Going: Simply stated, find a mantra for yourself that opens each day up to self-compassion. You are doing the best you can each day, slips or no slips. "Today, I'm going to believe that showing up is just enough."
Christopher K. Germer once said, "A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life." Moving forward in recovery can be scary, difficult, and hard. We often want to reach back into what we know is controlled and seemingly comfortable. Learning to treat ourselves with compassion, surrendering vicious routines, and just letting go can change the entire path or the rest of your life. Go DIG!
"The past has no power over the present moment."-Eckhart Tolle
Brown, B. (2010). The Gift ofImperfection. Center City, MN: Hazeldon.
Being afraid of wearing a bathing suit on a summer vacation; having a fear of clothes shopping due to poor body image; feeling trapped in your own body; constantly counting calories; obsessing over food, weight, or shape; exercising out of compulsion; restricting or overeating in reaction to difficult emotions; feeling compelled to follow an energy consuming fad diet; spending time binge eating and risking life by purging unwanted calories; and especially losing things of importance (i.e. dream jobs, close friendships, precious time with loved ones, and other amazing opportunities)…These are all merely a handful of the myriad of losses of freedom that occur when you are trapped inside the monster of an eating disorder.
Today, hundreds of millions of Americans are celebrating Independence Day. Celebrating our many freedoms is one of the greatest privileges of living in the United States.
I'm no great historian, but gaining our independence from the United Kingdom was not an overnight accomplishment. In fact, it took more than a year after the outbreak of the American Revolutionary War before the Continental Congress declared the thirteen American colonies independent sovereign states forming the United States of America. In the process, a committee of five men, including Thomas Jefferson, drafted the Declaration of Independence, a document largely dedicated to honoring human rights.
What stand out of greatest importance to me are the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's astonishing how much recovering from an eating disorder parallels to this short history lesson.
Life with an eating disorder is an entrapment. Just as with the resolution of the American Revolutionary War, recovering from an eating disorder doesn't occur overnight. Recovery from an eating disorder parallels war itself because it requires a fight for your life with keen and consistent engagement. From start to finish, it can take several years to fully break free. The more chronic the disorder is, the more difficult it may be to overcome entrenched belief systems that maintain the disorder.
Living with an eating disorder denies several human rights, including the basic right to live. Just yesterday, I learned of another precious life lost to an eating disorder. I've sadly witnessed a string of such losses in recent months. In war, it is simple fact that lives are often lost in the fight for freedom. It's a terrible and irreversible reality. These lives are not lost in vain, but it is incredibly unfortunate to know they have each become another statistic. In fact, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all mental health disorders.
So what about liberty? From dictionary.com, "Liberty: freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction, hampering conditions, etc.; power or right of doing, thinking, speaking, etc., according to choice." Eating disorders have so much to do with control, or lack thereof: controlling emotions, food, weight, etc. They interfere with health, achievements, healthy and meaningful relationships, education/employment, and peace of mind. Individuals may also feel obligated to follow rules or laws that govern and "protect" their disorders. Restriction may include lack of joy, food, and socialization. Hampering conditions may include things such as negative or irrational thinking and limiting beliefs.
Of course these are all examples and are not a comprehensive list of what may go awry in regards to living a life void of liberty.
Considering these above lists, one can surmise that the chance of living with the pursuit of happiness is nearly impossible for anyone struggling with an eating disorder.
If you are currently suffering with an eating disorder and ambivalent about letting go, hear me out. Please trust me, because I am sadly an expert in this department. I have been "existing" with depression, anxiety, and anorexia for 22 years.
I've never truly been happy. Though I have managed to have many great achievements despite being desperately ill, especially mentally ill, very few times have I enjoyed or truly treasured my triumphs. In fact, the majority of the time, I have felt like I've been hiding behind a mask like a fraud unable to own them.
If you are suffering, please do not retreat and give up your rights to freedom and independence. Reach out for help now. A soldier does not fight a battle in solitude and recovery is no different. You will need a strong and sound support system and compassionate, experienced treatment team to help you win this war. Begin rallying in the troops, those who will be your allies in this tenacious battle so you can conquer the enemy we call "ED".
So on this Independence Day, I ask you: Do you want to continue existing rather than living, achieving hard earned successes without appreciation and joy, and staying imprisoned to negative thinking and beliefs?
I hope there is at least some voice inside your soul that wants more for yourself, a part of yourself that wants freedom! I wish I could say this was an easy battle but going to war against your eating disorder will be one of the hardest things you have to do in your life. On the bright side, at least you can begin knocking it out now rather waiting 22 years down the road, only to find yourself living in the trenches alone and hiding from the world that wishes to embrace you, the whole you. Together, we can win our freedom and independence back!
In a fairy tale world, what would your Declaration of Independence look like? What would freedom look like to you? What would living in freedom mean to you?
I wish for you life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! Happy Fourth of July! Let freedom ring.
A vital part of leaving an eating disorder behind and beginning to regain your sense of self is rebuilding self-confidence. Everyone suffers from some lack in self-confidence. Confidence doesn't come in fixed quantities, and sometimes it takes a few introspective lessons and life experiences to begin to build or rebuild a deeper and stronger faith in yourself.
Find your inner light and let it shine!
It is human nature to think negatively, and studies show that negative thoughts and emotions are quicker to form, attract more focus, and more likely to be recalled than positive ones. Try to begin recognizing values and strengths by thinking about one attribute that has served you well in your life, and then get your support system involved as well.
1. Share your thoughts with your support system and work together to brainstorm a few favorite things about you. Keep an open mind.
2. You may be surprised at what attributes YOU find strong vs. what others value.
3. Ask for specific examples of traits in action. This helps the negative voice.
4. Identify and share your best qualities by repeatedly putting yourself in positive positions so you can build trust in your abilities and assets.
See yourself clearly, flaws and all.
When building self-confidence, everything comes together in balance. Once you've identified some of your strengths, be open to identifying some weaknesses–but not in a self-critical or destructive manner. It has been found that understanding who we are, be it better or for worse, actually improves self-esteem and acceptance. By looking at patterns in your life that may have brought about conflict or "flaws" such as stubbourness, indecision, and hot-temperedness, you will bring light to other character traits that, although we may not find ideal, you can learn to still embrace. Confidence takes commitment. You can't spend 50% of your time projecting your best assets and 50% trying to hide your "flawed" traits and then expect to strengthen your self-esteem. This is where the practice of balance and acceptance of yourself as a whole comes into play. Your "flaws" do not have to carry a negative connotation; they are just another part of who you are and they allow you to learn to see yourself clearly while you still continue to shine.
Learn to take a compliment.
Somehow, our culture at large has led us to believe in discounting our accomplishments or playing down positive feedback. If you have poor self-esteem and self-confidence, it can be extremely difficult to accept any type of praise because the inner, negative voice can be so strong. Being able to receive constructive, positive feedback can help counteract negative thoughts and build confidence. A first step in practicing learning how to accept a compliment is simply to simply say thank you, whether your mind lets you believe it or not. The more you do this, the more you will begin to find yourself actually beginning to genuinely accept positive feedback. On another note, if you respect someone enough to take their criticism to heart, it's only fair to also accept their praise. Another exercise is to practice in front of your mirror, and maybe even while driving your car, repeating a positive feedback mantra, "Thanks, I appreciate your saying that. I worked really hard, and the fact that you noticed means a lot."
Your support system, your cheering squad!
A vital key in recovery, even in general life, is having a passionate group of support that fosters a sense of belonging and security, both of which build more confidence. These may be family members or friends; they may be people who become educated about eating disorders and can support you in recovery. They may also be people who support you in your general life, perhaps new allies and friends you meet through new social experiences. Remember, healthy relationships are two-sided and include healthy boundaries. Just as these people support, inspire, and encourage you, you will have a natural intuition to return the favor, which will feel great.
BUILD A CONFIDENCE TOOLBOX! (ref, Oprah 2013)
1. Add a photo of those closest to you: When you have a strong support system and feel loved, it provides a source of strength and security that helps you take bold steps forward.
2. Include a symbol of new endeavor: If you are challenging yourself with a new endeavor, put a reminder in your box. For example, maybe you are learning how to swim. Put one of your first caps or goggles in it. Confidence can be built by reminders that you know you are pushing yourself forward.
3. Insert a token of improvement or achievement: You have challenged yourself and now met one of your goals or a new accomplishment. Maybe you finally finished your first Sudoku or your first 5k. Save a symbol of this and place it in your box! "Quantifiable achievements provide an instant jolt of self-esteem, because they make it easy to measure progress."
4. Enclose a picture or inspirational story of someone you look up to: Research has shown people get inspired by others who have become successful despite setbacks, and having a reminder can help keep you going.
5. Have a special reminder of an upcoming event: Looking forward to something keeps you focused on good things to come and also reminds you of your supportive relationships. Secondly, it can also be an encouragement that you are no longer being held back and isolated but building relationships and living life!
6. Include a token reminder of a time you were there for someone: A card, a thank you note, memorable mementos. Contributing to another person's life boosts your own self-esteem, especially when it helps them make progress toward their own goals.
Be compassionate, be open to new things, be bold! As you build yourself back up, strengthen your self-esteem, & regain your values, you will find you shine with an identity that is unique and all your own. A few fun quotes to leave you with:
I'd go after Moby Dick in a row boat and take the tartar sauce with me. (Zig Ziglar)
I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back. (Erica Jong)
Keep climbing forward!
To anyone deeply engaged in their eating disorder, recovery seems like a long lost wish that is out there but unattainable. Fear, confusion, anxiety, losing control, the unknown, and failure are all just a few of the barriers that keep them locked in their disease rather than taking the first steps into the daunting journey of recovery.
Recovery has many different definitions depending on who you ask. Some feel as though it will be a life long process. Others see it as an abstinence of eating disorder behaviors. Some consider it the ability to find a place of identity and purpose where you can feel free and happy rather than locked down by the eating disorder. Even more hopeful, many believe the eating disorder can become completely overcome and a distant memory of the past. The bottom line is that you need to define what recovery means to you in order to have a starting point for breaking free and living life free of the eating disorder.
The thought of recovery can be extremely frightening. Some feel they'll go through the process and just end up depressed and fat. For those that have experienced recovery and then relapsed, facing the recovery process may bring about fears of hopelessness and failure that they will never be able to obtain recovery again. Maintaining hope is one of the most difficult and critical emotions to hold on to when taking on the rocky road of recovery.
You can begin by making a list and defining for yourself what recovery is and isn't. Remember that recovery may involve dealing with difficult and painful emotions from the past, but it also means freeing yourself from all that has weighed you down.
An excellent exercise to do when you begin to define your own recovery is to make two lists, with the main message from these lists being that recovery is about "gain, not pain."
1) Listing what recovery means to you
2) What recovery is not.
A few examples from each list are below:
Recovery is:
Recovery is NOT:
You can also make a list about your fears regarding recovery. Make your list and then go back and challenge them using skills to reframe each fear. For example:
Recovery will be:
Going back to feeling depressed all the time.
I will have more energy and fuel for my mind to deal with my emotions as they come and with increased nutrition my mind will actually function better.
Looking awful in clothes.
Recovery is being able to wear clothes that appropriately fit my body and will actually look healthier rather than falling off of me or wearing inappropriate sizes for my age and body type.
Not knowing who I am.
Recovery is a rollercoaster but one of the main focuses will be rediscovering my self, my core values, and my identity without the eating disorder.
Losing the real me.
The real me is not the ED me. Recovery is designed to help you rediscover the true real YOU!
Having to seem happy all the time and not being able to show my real feelings.
Everyone has emotions and it is normal to experience them and feel them. No one is happy all the time and that is okay. You can take off the mask and be "real" with people, especially those in your support system.
Being able to do more things.
Yes! You no longer have to hide in the rabbit hole of isolation. Go out with your friends, get involved in some groups or activities in your area, try new things! Recovery will open a whole new door of opportunities.
Recovery can be a challenging and slippery slope. There will be many ups but also downs as well. One may experience many steps forward and twice as many steps back; it's unpredictable but important to remember that with perseverance it will continue to improve over time. Going backwards can be extremely fearful and stir up emotions of hopelessness and pits of depression. However, it's important to remember how many months/years it took for your ED to develop, and they therefore don't just disappear overnight.
Unfortunately, there may be slips and even small relapses, but the most important thing one can do is learn from these. They allow you to identify possible stressors, vulnerabilities, etc. so you can be more aware and prepared in order to avoid them in the future. Rather than look at them as failures, try to see these lapses as vital learning opportunities to add to your toolbox, and you will be prepared for such experiences if they hit again. Sometimes it may feel as though you get caught in a cycle where you keep succumbing to the same falls time and time again-similar to a toddler falling over and over again without catching themselves. However, it isn't long before the toddler finally puts his arms out to catch himself, having learned from the prvious falls. Recovery is much the same. Even if you get caught in a cycle, keep trying, use your skills, learn from mistakes, and put your arms out before the fall. It may be a roller-coaster, but eventually you'll be able to take over the driver's seat.
One woman shared, "Recovery involves taking risks, it takes courage and determination, but as you get better, theses things also grow so that you are able to cope with the next stage. I have become braver as I have discovered that things aren't as bad as they seemed-eating hasn't ruined my life, but rather is improving it. As you recover you start to feel real happiness-better than any you can get from starving or losing weight because it is real. It's amazing as you start feeling it."
Some of the best things about recovery are:
It's a process, one that is different for all, but everyone owns the strength to achieve it. Everyone deserves the compassion to live a self-fulfilling, free life with the ability to live each day to it's fullest capacity.]]>
As I write this, my heroine, Maya Angelou, has left us. By the time you read this, you will have heard many reminders about her talents, her achievements and the way she rose out of a dark beginning to represent women, blacks, and others who feel marginalized in any way.
"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" began her series of memoirs, recounting a life that made it possible for her to speak with conviction when she recited her well-known poem, "Still I Rise." (Watch it here.)
"Does my sassiness upset you?" she asks through the poem."'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells pumping in my living room."
This, said by a woman who was raped at 7 by her mother's boyfriend. She only told her brother, but when her rapist turned up dead, she felt she had killed him with her voice. So she refused to speak for 5 1/2 years.
"I can get down inside me where a poem may live," she said. I'd say, that's called finding your voice. In the poem "On the Pulse of the Morning," which she composed and read for Clinton's inauguration, she challenged us all through the voices of the rock, the tree and the river, to honor nature and our country by not reliving history.
She didn't; she reinvented history. She never had a college education, yet she ended up being awarded thirty honorary degrees.
"Just like hopes springing high
Still I'll rise."
She rose in whatever way the occasion required. Pregnant as a teenager, she raised her son by working as a waitress. She used her formerly mute voice to become a successful singer. Also a dancer, director and actor, she appeared in the film "Roots," was nominated for a Tony and won three Grammys.
"Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise."
She was a whole woman: sexy, humorous, proud…
"Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
at the meeting of my thighs?"
And so today, and since the day of her death, I am determined to rise. She makes me believe it is possible for all of us to reinvent ourselves, to live past the fear that would pin us to an old fate, forward into a destiny that could be grand.
What would it take for you to rise? I think all you need is the feeling that you carry real life within you.
"just like life, I rise…
I rise
I rise."
May it be so.]]>
Living with an eating disorder can be extremely challenging, both for the person suffering and for family and friends. Anorexia, bulimia and other conditions take mental and physical tolls, but it can at times be difficult to know when an eating disorder is present so that you or your loved one can get the necessary treatment to regain health. Knowing the symptoms and signs to look for will help you see when you or someone you know has an eating disorder before it is too late.
Understanding Anorexia
Signs of anorexia nervosa include abdominal pain and a thin appearance and the person may have trouble sleeping and experience social withdrawal. Someone that is anorexic may be irritable and outright refuse to eat. Other physical symptoms include low blood pressure, frequently feeling cold and having dry skin.
How to Spot Bulimia
Bulimia nervosa, on the other hand, is different in that a person may overeat until the point of discomfort or pain before self-inducing vomit in order to keep the food from being digested into the stomach. Signs to look for include damaged teeth, low self-esteem, increased use of laxatives and constant dieting or fasting.
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you think you may have an eating disorder, it is important to take a step back and analyze the situation so that you can explain what is happening to your doctor and get the help you need. If you find that you are eating more privately or are anxious that someone will find out about you eating, you may be developing symptoms of an eating disorder. The best thing you can do is learn more about eating disorders so you can notice symptoms and improve your health before they progress.
When I was a kid, I used to find rocks with beautiful colors in them and grind them up into little piles of colored dust. I'm not sure what they were for, but I imagine they were meant to be paints. Either to paint creations, or to paint my face.
I've always loved makeup. I love the tubes and creams and brushes and pencils. Even more than that, I love the colors, the textures, and the possibilities. When I was 13 and sick of being teased about the dark circles under my eyes (despite all the promises in eye cream ads, they remain), my mother gifted me with a tube of Erase, the key concealer of the 50′s. When I longed to accentuate my eyelashes, she taught me to coat them with a bit of Vaseline–it works wonders. I'd look in the mirror and plan how one day I would use eye shadow to add to the contours of my face. I was the dream customer for the cosmetic industry. I should have turned out to be Bobbi Brown.
Instead, now I buy Bobbi's stuff. This is a testament, actually, to my project of paring down my makeup drawer to what is really necessary. No more picking up every sample or buying multiple eye shadows.
It's not that I'm restricting myself. I've just awakened to some things going on with me around makeup that I think relate to recovering from eating disorders.
Of course there's the issue of the petroleum we didn't realize was in Vaseline, and a long list of other mysterious chemicals I may not want my pores inhaling. And then there's the issue of why I'm wearing makeup, when I do.
You can probably tell that I've been an "artiste" since Day 1, so some of the motivation is just the fun of playing. But being a good 50′s girl, I have to watch for those insidious threads of the Old Order and its rules. Like the one where women must be adorned so that they make more attractive possessions.
The worst reason I've worn makeup is to try to look better than I really do. Now, I know this is tricky. Nothing wrong with looking our best, or with enhancing what we have. But if you watched the Golden Globes and mourned over Kim Novak's disastrous face work, you're with me when I say that we can take corrections too far. What are we trying to make up for? A person from a non made-up culture would wonder.
I've traveled to a lot of places where a woman's weight and facial appearance are just not a big deal, or where the standards are totally different from ours. In many cultures, beauty means having some meat on you. And if you wear makeup, it's probably face paint from warrior times.
Which proves that we are the ones who make up our standards for beauty. Or rather, our culture does. It's up to us to decide whether to listen and comply. Because there is a pressure to comply.
So the question becomes: What do you really believe in your heart that being beautiful means? What would a beautiful body look like? How about a beautiful face?
As a photographer, I love faces. And not just "pretty" ones. I love faces with character. Interesting shapes. Irregularities. I've always said that an aging person's face shows a trail of where they've been, and so when they walk around with that face, we are reminded that life is a journey. I don't want to PhotoShop all that out. The same, actually, for bodies.
Your body shape is unique. And in this culture it's a real journey for us all to honor that body, and then work with it (not against it) to bring out its potential. How can it be the strongest, healthiest and most graceful possible? How can we treat it so that it will live and thrive a long time? How can we celebrate this adventure of being in a body—instead of "making up" for it?]]>
Two women friends came over for lunch the other day and brought me these incredible tulips. And one of them stared me in the face until I finally agreed to make a photograph of her. She reminded me of all the reasons that nature is such invaluable medicine.
First, she reminded me what beauty is really all about. Whenever I really look at something nature has made, I am stunned. I mean, look at how pale and delicate the outside of this tulip is, and how outrageously orange the inside is. I love the gradation of colors—and then there is the intricacy, the symmetry and the mystery of the inside parts. She is beautiful, this tulip.
I wonder if she looks in the mirror and tells herself that the way her petals open is too wide, or that stripes inside her petals are not straight enough.
Ms. Tulip points out to me that she holds nothing back. She only hides her most precious inner parts when she is just opening, at the beginning of her bloom. But when she is mature, in full bloom, almost all her most fertile and potent gifts are visible. All her sexiness, all her outrageous beauty is there for the beholder. She isn't interested in stuffing any beauty down.
I wonder if someone told her she wasn't pretty enough when she was just a bud, if she would have listened.
And so, I ask Ms. Tulip, what is her medicine for me? All of nature, we know, contains medicine for us.
"Well, what about you?" She asks me. "Tell me about your beauty."
"Well," I start out shyly. "Actually like you, I have one color on the outside, and another more outrageous, sexual, no-holding-back quality on the inside. And like you, I didn't show that until I matured and felt…confident enough, or until I stopped worrying about what others would think. Or even how I think about my imperfections."
"Imperfections? You've worried about what others think?" Ms. Tulip is astounded. "Why would you do that?"
"Well," I try to explain, "It's something that seems to happen in today's human world."
She lowers her petaled head in sadness. "That must feel terrible," she said. "We in the flower world don't have…what would you call those feelings?"
I tell her I'd call them sadness and shame.
Shame is just beyond her comprehension.
"You're a beautiful creature of the universe!" She says, looking me right in the eye. "Doesn't that qualify you to enjoy your own magnificence?"
"Well, you see…" now I'm wriggling, knowing she won't get this…"we humans are kind of afraid to do that. We've been trained to think that if we do, our egos will kind of blow up like balloons and no one will be able to stand us!"
"Really? I mean, really?" She says she thinks it's the opposite. "I think," she adds, "that enjoying your own magnificence would take all the pressure off, and make you humble and grateful for being a part of nature, and for having all the parts of you be part of the Big Magnificence."
And I take a really deep breath. Gotta hand it to her. She has a way with words.]]>


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To Louise McGowan
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May 25, 2011 - Crime Notification
CRIME NOTIFICATION Issued: May 25, 2011 SPECIAL ATTENTION PROVINCE COMMUNITY
Issued: May 25, 2011
The University of Louisville Police Department received a report of an armed robbery of two University of Louisville students and one non University student at the Province Apartments.
The robbery occurred at the Province Apartment Complex in the 700 block of Rockery Way on Tuesday, May 24, 2011 at approximately 10:08 PM. The victim(S) advised that two unknown black males gained access into the apartment through an unlocked front door. Once inside the two subjects grabbed two kitchen knives and demanded the cell phones of the victims. All three victims in the apartment were robbed of personal property.
The subjects fled west, one riding a bicycle and one on a skateboard.
The victims described suspect #1 as a B/M, 5'8", 150 lbs., 20-21 years of age, dark complexion, short hair, wearing a grey hooded sweatshirt (stolen from victim) and black shorts.
The victims described suspect #2 as a B/M, 6'-6'3", 19-22 years of age, short hair, wearing a white T-shirt, black basketball shorts, and a panty hose pulled over his head partially covering his face.
Suspects matching the above description had attempted to gain entry into another apartment in the 700 block of Rockery Way without success prior to the above incident.
If you have any information on this case please contact the University Police at 852-6111.
The following are suggestions, which may help prevent you from becoming the victim of a robbery:
• Walk with a group of people, and if walking to a parking lot, do not the leave the area until everyone is safely in their vehicle.
• Remain alert and watchful for suspicious activity.
• Be alert for anything suspicious, especially two or more people just hanging around.
• If you sense something wrong, leave the area immediately.
• Keep your home and vehicle locked.
The following are suggestions of things to do and not do during an actual robbery, and what to do after an assault occurs:
• Observe what the suspect looks like and develop a mental picture so that an accurate description can be given to the police.
• Don't chase or follow the suspect.
• Protect the crime scene. Leave everything as it is. Don't try to clean up or touch any possible evidence.
• Write down a description of the suspect including sex, race, height, weight, build, eye and hair color, scars or tattoos, jewelry, approximate age, and clothing. If possible, note in which direction the suspect fled. Remember do not chase the suspect.
Report any suspicious activity to the University Police at 852-6111.
Call the Department of Public Safety for escort services at 852-6111.
ULPD Reports 11-0443, 11-0444


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Windows Help
It's free to register, to post a question or to start / join a discussion
system restore without cd
Likes # 0
Posted December 30, 2010 at 5:53PM
Hi Guys,
I have a PC which runs Vista Home Premium. I am in the process of selling the PC but wish to completely wipe the drive and restore back to Vista default settings, leaving no trace of personal details etc.
I have looked around for various ways to wipe the drive without using the CD (Never had one). But there seems so many long winded ways to do this (Also I know very little when it comes to PC systems).
I found this link.. but does this completely wipe the drive clean ready for the PC to be sold?
click here
Likes # 0
Posted December 31, 2010 at 12:27AM
You should be able to restore it to factory settings. Have a look at your manual.
Enter 'User' as a name when you restore as the PC will need an Administrator account if you did not have a Vista disc with your PC.
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North Bend woman killed in Whitewater Twp. crash
Updated On: Oct 26 2012 03:27:16 PM EDT
A North Bend woman has died following a Whitewater Township crash.
Sheriff's deputies said a Toyota Camry driven by 25-year-old Eliza Brown, of Cincinnati, illegally turned left shortly before 11 a.m. Friday onto U.S. 50 from a Kroger parking lot.
The car was struck by a Chevrolet Cobalt driven by 21-year-old Heather Lewis, of Harrison, deputies said.
The Camry crossed the center line after it was struck and then was hit in the passenger-side door by a Ford work truck driven by 63-year-old Philip Zang, of Cincinnati.
A passenger in the Toyota, 57-year-old Rebecca Haines, was airlifted to University Hospital, where she was pronounced dead shortly before noon.
Brown was also taken to University Hospital, where she was listed in stable condition.
Lewis and Zang were not hurt in the crash, which remains under investigation.
Copyright 2012 by WLWT.com All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.


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|I am attempting to grow some vegetables and flowers from seed for the firs time. I survived some initial damping off problems by using chamomile tea. Yesterday I noticed that one of my cucumber seedlings had some discoloration on the seed leaves. When I woke up this morning, the leaves were all white & curled and the plant had almost died. Now I am noticing the same discoloration on other seedlings (petunias).
These seedlings are inside, receiving light via a windowsill (although I sometimes open the window so they get some direct sun) and I'm supplementing in the evenings with fluorescent lights. I used a starter potting mix.
Does anyone know what this is & how I could treat it to save the remaining plants?
I will attempt to upload some photos.
Follow-Up Postings:
- Posted by oilpainter 3 (My Page) on Mon, May 10, 10 at 22:44
|It sounds like your plants have been sunburnt. You can't take a plant that has been germinated indoors and expose it to UV light. A plant grown outside is exposed to UV light from the moment it sticks its' head out of the soil. Not so indoors. That is why you have to harden off plants grown indoors. You harden them off by gradually exposing them to more and more sunlight, starting with a couple of hours in the shade. Those that have been badly sunburnt may not make it, but those that only have a little damage should come back. Just keep them out of the sun and use your grow lights. Harden them off when they get bigger
- Posted by mel_arl.ma (My Page) on Tue, May 11, 10 at 10:10
|Thanks. I am very surprised that seedlings could get burnt in May in MA! I was worried that they weren't getting enough light! Thanks for your response.
Here is a photo:
|As I've already stated in your other post, you need to put the plants in larger containers. They are probably root bound and need room for the roots to spread out.
- Posted by sarahbarah27 5 (My Page) on Tue, May 11, 10 at 18:11
|Is that a yogurt container? Any how, it looks to be plenty big enough judging by the size of the seedling. I doubt that being root bound has caused the leaves to look like that. I agree that it is sunburned, and possible wind burnt from the open window.
- Posted by oilpainter 3 (My Page) on Tue, May 11, 10 at 18:54
|That container is just fine for that size plant. Anyhow if it were root bound the leaves wouldn't look like that. The leaves would be yellow and the plant would fail to thrive.
Yours look to be normal growth. And yes, they do look to be sunburnt or wind burnt, but not damaged beyond repair. UV light is the same in May as it is in July. Imagine taking a person who has never been exposed to UV light and putting him in the sun. Even in May, That person would have a dandy sunburn. The same with plants.
As I said before--put them under the lights and harden them off before they go outside permanently.
The leaves would be yellow and the plant would fail to thrive.
The top leaves look yellow to me!
- Posted by mel_arl.ma (My Page) on Wed, May 12, 10 at 9:42
|Yes, this is a yoghurt conainer (with drainage holes), but the plant is not root-bound. The cucumber that I mentioned is in in a larger container (3 by 3 inches - a real one designed for plants!), and is also not root bound. I am hoping you are right that it is sun/wind damage as these I can control (at least for now) - I much prefer this verdict over hearing that I have a fungus or bacterial infection. So I'll moderate the light exposure & be careful to harden-off gently. Thanks for all the comments!
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Hotel delle Rose
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... hours, pay the toll John pay the toll, you would have used more in fuel than the toll you saved. Did find a swanky restaurant for lunch though. Got to Arco in the Dolomites in the evening and checked in to our modern Hotel and had dinner in town. My mate Doug would love Arco it is a climbers delight, climbing gear everywhere. We had a discussion and will stay another night. Time to do some washing and it's hair cut time again. 29.10.14 True to ...
Lombardy: Mantova and Verona
... then as we tried to cross the border to Italy, the Austrian police tried to fine us E120 for not having some kind of ticket. Rem refused to pay and, after some explaining/arguing, they finally let us off ...
... to host the main operas which come to town during July and August, as well as concerts and plays in the intervening months. There were a whole lot of workmen inside pulling up the false floor, which I assume was laid for the last concert held there. It must be a lot of work if a false floor has to be laid every time there is a concert! Outside the Arena is a devotional column which used to bless a marketplace held in the square, and also ...
Italy Day 1 - Amsterdam to Verona
We took the flight from Amsterdam to Venice at 7:30AM. Then we took a bus to the train station called "Venezia Mestre" from the airport. We were so hungry, so we went in the restaurant just front of the train station. Our first Italian cuisine!!! I had "Spaghetti Bongole" and some seafood. It was ...


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Sage N Sour by T.H. Seeds is a 75% sativa strain that unites the sharply pungent Sour Diesel with their SAGE hybrid. With an aroma that closely matches the subtle herbal notes of sage, Sage N Sour delivers a perfect balance of euphoria, energy, and happiness to its consumer. Growers will appreciate the generous yields this sativa has to offer following its 60 to 65 day flowering cycle.
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Sativa Sns Sage N Sour
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Sage N Sour has the following taste and smell flavor profile:
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Book your room at Sunset Inn Manning
Room, 1 King Bed, Non SmokingMax Occupancy: 3 guests (up to 2 children, 1 infant)
Room, 2 Queen Beds, Non SmokingMax Occupancy: 5 guests (up to 4 children, 2 infants)
Motel in Manning with free breakfast and 24-hour front desk
Situated in Manning, this motel is 8.4 mi (13.5 km) from Wyboo Golf Club and 10.8 mi (17.4 km) from Foxboro Golf Club. Sumter Mall is 30.2 mi (48.6 km) away.
Property Features
This motel features a 24-hour front desk and tour/ticket assistance. Free continental breakfast and free self parking are also provided.
Room Amenities
Rooms provide conveniences like refrigerators and microwaves, plus balconies or patios and cable TV.Information missing or incorrect? Tell us!
Sunset Inn Manning
Hotel Amenities
A complimentary breakfast is offered. Complimentary self parking is available on site.
- 24-hour front desk
- Number of floors - 2
- Free breakfast
- Tours/ticket assistance
- Free self parking
Family Friendly Amenities
- Refrigerator
- Microwave
Room Amenities
- Balcony or patio
- Air conditioning
- Free local calls
- Refrigerator
- Microwave
- Hair dryer (on request)
- Iron/ironing board (on request)
- Cable TV service
Where to Eat
Guests are offered a complimentary continental breakfast.
Hotel Policies
Check-in time starts at 1 PM
Check-out time is 11 AM
Payment types
Pets allowed
You need to know
Extra-person charges may apply and vary depending on hotel policy.
Government-issued photo identification and a credit card or cash deposit are required at check-in for incidental charges.
Special requests are subject to availability upon check-in and may incur additional charges. Special requests cannot be guaranteed.
- Pet fee: USD 5 per day
We should mention
Guests can arrange to bring pets by contacting the property directly, using the contact information on the booking confirmation (surcharges apply and can be found in the Fees section).