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Mary Sanchez. Latinos are now the largest minority group in the nation. For readers, Anglo and Hispanic, it is important that newspapers offer clear insights as America deals with, absorbs or fights this demographic shift. Columnist Mary Sanchez does just that. The daughter of a Mexican immigrant, Sanchez seeks to inform, not inflame issues.


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This series of 14 60- and 30-second films premiered on September 10, 1977.
Dr. Joan Cussoe, chairman of the Program on Nutrition at Columbia Teacher's College, served as consultant.
The commercials were seen on the children's weekend schedule until about 1980.
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Love Won't Add WeightLove Won't Add Weight (1977) - ABC Health and Nutrition Commercials Cartoon Episode Guide
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>DePatie-Freleng Enterprises
- DePatie-Freleng Enterprises
- Animated Characters: Timer, Chopper.
- First Aired in 1977.
- Running Time: 1 minute.
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Big ideas start here
CSIRO aims to establish and build relationships with members of the community. We welcome people of all ages to come and explore our facilities, holiday programs and public events.
Phone: 1300 363 400
Email: email@example.com
CSIRO, the Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation, is Australia's national science agency and one of the largest and most diverse research agencies in the world.
Large-scale, long-term, multidisciplinary science to address Australia's major national challenges and opportunities.
CSIRO manages national facilities and collections that are opened to researchers around Australia and overseas.
Our lives and livelihoods are shaped by the climate, so adapting to future climates will involve nearly all aspects of our economy, society and the environment.
A project is being undertaken to provide vital data on how well prepared Australian communities are for the potential impacts of climate change.
Assessing climate change implications on South Australia's weeds and adaptation option.
Case study - Advancing vintages: wine-growing and climate change.
To assess true vulnerability to climate change, we need to integrate climatic and environmental impacts with the community's capacity to adapt.
Australia is a continent subject to extreme weather events such as cyclones, storms, floods and heatwaves. The social and economic impact of these natural disasters totals billions of dollars per year.
Our Water for a Healthy Country Flagship research into climate change and variability will maximise agricultural, urban and ecological water use opportunities.
Finding ways to adapt to the impacts of climate change and variability.
Addressing the sustainable management of Australia's water resources.
Marine, atmospheric and earth systems research driven by issues affecting Australia and the world.
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eye of the god - eBook
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|Format: DRM Protected ePub
Vendor: Abingdon Press
Publication Date: 2010
Availability: In Stock
Publisher's Description
eye of the god takes the fascinating history surrounding the Hope Diamond and weaves it together with a present-day plot to steal the jewel from the Smithsonian Institute.
We follow Alex and Isaac Weld, the most lucrative jewel thieves in the world, in their quest to steal the gem, which according to legend was once the eye of a Hindu idol named Rama Sita. When it was stolen in the 17th century, it is said that the idol cursed all those who would possess it. That wont stop the brilliant and ruthless Weld brothers.
However, they are not prepared for Dr. Abigail Mitchell, the beautiful Smithsonian Director, who has her own connection to the Hope Diamond and a deadly secret to keep. Abby committed long ago that she would not serve a god made with human hands, and the eye of the god is no exception. Her desire is not for wealth, but for wisdom. She seeks not power, but restoration.
When the dust settles over the last great adventure of the Hope Diamond, readers will understand the curse that has haunted its legacy is nothing more than the greed of evil men who bring destruction upon themselves. No god chiseled from stone can direct the fates of humankind, nor can it change the course of Gods story.
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KateBroomfield, COAge: Under 18Gender: female2 Stars Out Of 5This product is not a "Christian book"September 27, 2013KateBroomfield, COAge: Under 18Gender: femaleQuality: 4Value: 3Meets Expectations: 1This book was a good read. I enjoyed the historical notes and stories in the book. I found them accurate and fascinating. I was disappointed in the lack of Christian morals and values in the book. There was no part in the book that made me feel like this was "Christian fiction." To me, Christian fiction brings God into the book in such a way that He is glorified and part of at least one character's life. This book presented neither.
Robert Shipley4 Stars Out Of 5Action packed.June 7, 2013Robert ShipleyQuality: 4Value: 5Meets Expectations: 4Fast paced story. Intrigue at it's best. Some surprises, it kept my interest throughout.
touchdownOHAge: 55-65Gender: female3 Stars Out Of 5ok bookMay 19, 2013touchdownOHAge: 55-65Gender: femaleQuality: 3Value: 3Meets Expectations: 2this book was an ok read. The author writes well and it was intetesting enough. My problem was it seemed to drag in places and there wasn't enough suspense. One of my main issues is Abby was so intelligent and had such an important job but she was so easily taken in by a life long thief. The book was a clean read but I wouldn't especially call it Christian Fiction.
Brenda5 Stars Out Of 5February 20, 2013BrendaExciting, humorous, plot twists & surprises with a little history woven in.
CrystalAge: 25-34Gender: female5 Stars Out Of 5Mature Thriller!February 4, 2013CrystalAge: 25-34Gender: femaleQuality: 5Value: 5Meets Expectations: 5"eye of the god" is a very easy to follow mystery, with an unconventional romance, and family drama. With so much going on, it doesn't hinder the pace at all! The Author manages to weave true historical accounts of the mystical Hope Diamond hundreds of years back to the present time under the watchful care of Dr. Abby at the Smithsonian Museum. Alex and his brother are longtime art thieves and stealing the Hope is there final mission. But Alex has become smitten with Dr. Abby, and his plans become complicated. A novel that will never let you go! I loved it! I could picture this being made into a major motion picture! An absolute classic!
*I received this book free from the Publisher in exchange for a non-profit, unbiased review*
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42nd Annual Civil War Show, April 11-12, 2014, Fredericksburg Expo Center
The Northern Virginia Relic Hunters Association (NVRHA), the nation's oldest relic hunting club, is holding its 42nd annual American Civil War Show on Friday, April 11, 2014 (2 pm - 7 pm) and Saturday, April 12, 2014 (9 am - 4 pm) at the Fredericksburg Expo Center, located at 2371 Carl D. Silver Parkway, Fredericksburg, VA 22401. Admission is $6 (Good for Both Days) and parking is free. For more information, visit www.fredericksburgexpocenter.com or www.nvrha.com/show.htm.
Advertised nationally, the American Civil War Show will feature over 300 tables of the finest Civil War and earlier military effects, relics, memorabilia, books, paper goods, paper goods, art and antique weapons for buy, sale or trade. These items are displayed by the country's most distinguished Civil War dealers and museums, as well as private collectors. The general public is encouraged to bring their own items in for sale or trade.
"We're excited to have new vendors and displays at this year's Civil War Show," said Frank Davido, NVRHA president. "What's great about relics is that there are always new finds that nobody has seen before. We're pleased to be able to share our country's rich history through the artifacts we display and sell."
About the Northern Virginia Relic Hunters Association
The NVRHA was founded in 1972 and organized to promote the study and preservation of American history through the location, identification and preservation of military and related historical artifacts, with a focus on the Civil War. Each April, the NVRHA sponsors its annual American Civil War Show. Members of NVRHA have published numerous books on the identification of Civil War artifacts and various other aspects of the War. Some books are widely used for reference by students, professors, historians, archaeologists and relic hunters.
The NVRHA supports various efforts whose ultimate goal is the preservation of threatened historical sites. To this end, NVRHA donates relics, monies, and volunteer hours to various museums and battlefields, and the archaeological community. Club members also provide presentations and relic displays to local schools and organizations.
The NVRHA holds monthly meetings, with notable speakers, and events throughout the year. Meetings are generally held the first Tuesday of each month at 7:30 p.m. at the National Rifle Association conference center at 11250 Waples Mill Road, Fairfax, VA. These meetings are open to the public.
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Friday, 11 April, 2014
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Gary E. Rosenthal, MDInterim Chair & Department Executive OfficerDepartment of Internal MedicineRoy J. Carver Chair in Internal MedicineProfessor of Internal Medicine and Health Management and PolicyDirector, Institute for Clinical and Translational Science
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Viterbo Offense Too Much for Knights
NEW ULM, Minn. - The MLC men's basketball team had no answers on the defensive end for a Viterbo offense that started out hot and never cooled off in an 83-67 loss for the Knights.
Viterbo shot 61.1 percent from the field for the game, and also went 8-12 from beyond the three-point arc. The V-Hawks also took good care of the ball, committing only eight turnovers in the game.
MLC shot 48.2 percent from the field and limited its turnovers to 11 for the game, but it wasn't enough to keep up as the V-Hawks continued to execute on the other end.
Viterbo jumped out to 26-8 lead to start the game, but the Knights came back to cut the deficit to seven at 39-32 at the half to give themselves a chance.
The V-Hawks would have none of it, however, as they shot a blistering 81.8 percent on 18-22 shooting from the floor in the second half to keep the Knights from finishing a comeback attempt.
Galen Holzhueter led the Knights with a game-high 26 points (the third consecutive game for him of at least 24 points) and nine rebounds, while Justin and Josh Danell each finished with 14 points. Craig Wilke added seven points and four assists for MLC.
With the loss, MLC dropped to 0-4 on the season, while Viterbo improved to 4-4 with the win.
The Knights will return to action Friday, December 2, when they travel to Mayville State for a game scheduled to start at 7:30 p.m.


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A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey, take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?' The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.' The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?' The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.' A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?' The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies: 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, ' The Damn thing's an hour fast.'
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson, Norwegian from Minnesota, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken."
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postmaster) to make proper final arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker-postmaster went to prepare the tombstone the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonised over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: RETURNED UNOPENED
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I'm not giving him any of mine. The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!" The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from rolling out of bed."
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog cocked its leg, then urinated on its owner. Calmly, the blind man reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: That's extremely tolerant of you, especially after what he just did." "Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the *##* !"
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said as he handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next.
A furniture dealer from Alabama decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Alabama. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house . Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which the did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, and after he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith" The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Ole and Sven were having a holiday at the beach in Australia,but they couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So they asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard. "You're wearing those old, baggy Minnesota-style swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya. . . you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following day, they hit the beach with their spanking new tight Speedos and their fist-sized potatoes. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as they walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing...looking sick! So they went back to the lifeguard again and Sven asked him "Vat's wrong now? We still aren't picking up babes." "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "The potato goes in front!"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer that is well over customs' limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes, perhaps?" "I would love to help you, Dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The Inspector asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The Inspector thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the Inspector said, "Go ahead, Father." "Next!"
A rancher needs to buy a bull to service his cows but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and tells the banker, "The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows three times." "Wow," says the banker, "What did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like chocolate."
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, "Is that one word or two?"
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby replied; "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold.
Ole and Lena vas dryfing down da road ven dey vent past Sven's place. Out front vas a 4x8 sheet uff plyvood wit a sign vat said "boat for sale" A little farther on Lena sez "I didn't know Sven had a boat" Ole says "he ain't got no boat. He ain't neffer had vun". Lena sez" Vell vat about dat sign? Do you tink Sven iss maybe gittin goofy?" Ole sez, "Vee bedder go back and sheck" Ven dey drive oop, Sven iss standing in da yard. Ole says, " Sven iss you feeling alright?" "Ya sure but I neffer felt better" sez Sven. "Vell vat about dat sign dere--You ain't got no boat," says Ole. "Vell," sez Sven "youse see dat Yon Deere tractor offer dere" "Ya" sez Ole. "And youse sees dat cultiwaiter dere behind it?" "Ya" sez Ole. "Vell, dere boat for sale!
A Florida couple, Moe and Flo, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" Moe says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves. Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" Moe says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!"
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out,"Crisco,"Crisssco!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco,I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named "Crisco?" Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public." "Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?" "Lard ass."
Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?" Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS. '
Plopping himself onto a bar stool, a man ordered a beer. As he sat there drinking it, he heard someone say to him, "Nice shirt." He looked around. There was no one else in the place, so he continued sipping. Then he heard someone say, "Nice tie." Again he sees no one except the bartender. "Hey," the man said, "you talking to me?" "Nope," the bartender replied, "it was'nt't me. It must have been the peanuts. They're complimentary.
"How do they feel?" the shoe salesclerk asks a man trying on a pair of wingtips. "They're a little too tight," the customer answers. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk offers. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," the man replies.
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy, "Is it true what they say about men with big feet?" The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?" The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody er paid me fer mah services before." The woman replied, "Don't be flattered ... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
A blonde pushes her car into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died." After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She says: "What's the story?" He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor." She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500 and leaves with a big smile on his face. Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies. "Great," the husband says. "Did he bring over the $500 dollars he owes me?
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand .. I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. "You bastard, you lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had!"
A little old man shuffled...... slooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself slooooooowly, painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts? "No," he replied, "Arthritis".
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "I have................ only fifty cents!"
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday"
A rancher was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the Boomer Sooner fight song. Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to his Vet's office. When the vet asked him what was going on, the rancher told him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He agreed he heard the Boomer Sooner fight song but didn't seem particularly excited. "Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the rancher asked. The vet, a third generation Nebraska graduate, said, "Bud, I'm a Husker Fan, and I've been listening to asses sing that song all of my life."
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No." The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it." After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."
A Woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."
True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys, then.....being assaulted with a broom by your wife, and still having the guts to ask:"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000.00, or you can bury her here in the Holdy Land for $150.00." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?" The man replied, "a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?" O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me cap. I really, really loved that cap. I knew that Donald Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap." The priest said, "Well, Mr. O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Mr. Shaunessy's cap. What changed your mind?" O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the ten commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap." The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal," you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?" O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me cap."
Ole was pacing the expectant fathers' waiting room waiting for news on Lena and the baby. The doc came out and told Ole he had a son and all was well; he could see his son through the nursery window. Ole went to the window and asked to see the Thompson baby. The nurse looked surprised and asked if he was sure he wanted to see the baby before seeing Lena. "Someting wrong wit the baby?" he asked. "No, the baby is fine." "Vel bring him over so I can see him." The nurse did so and lo and behold she held up the cutest little black baby you ever saw. Upon seeing him, Ole got a big grin on his face and said, "Oh, dat Lena, she burns everyting!"
A good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes, Lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." Continuing, he said "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman. "What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched roosters," he replied. "What a coincidence," she said.
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Bender for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles." The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?" The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. He then asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi who would surely know the correct answer. He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do. " Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised, "Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks." But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: "Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel." The man did not understand. "But, Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "It doesn't matter what you wear," replied the Rabbi, "You're going to get screwed."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employee womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?" Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, soma nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip. Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' "So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia anda! me , we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata da top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' "Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus!!
One evening Ole and Sven are sitting in the bar getting drunk. Ole turns to Sven and asks, "Ven do you suppose dose girls are gonna make out vit us?" Swen says, "Donno, but I'm drunk enuf to go ask em!" So off they go to the apartment where Ole knocks on the door. Lena answers and says, "Vell, Ole and Sven, come on in!" Ole no more than gets in the door when he says, "Ve yust come to find out ven you girls are gonna make out vit us." Lena is really upset by this and throws them both out, slamming the door on them. Ole is persistent and knocks on the door again. Lena isn't stupid, she knows it's Ole and says, "Ole if you are gonna be so forward, you'll have to talk through the keyhole." So Ole bends to the keyhole and asks, "Ven you girls gonna make out vit us?" Lena is really upset now. She drops her pants, backs up to the keyhole, and breaks wind. As Ole is backing up and shaking his head, Sven asks, "Vell Ole, vat did she say?" Ole says, "Vell, I tink she said FFFFfffffrrriiddaay, but her breath is so bad I'm not askin' again."
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, starring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing in the crowd, staring up at her.Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too? "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."
A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients". "Yes, sir..." answers Ole. The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." "Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!" And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes."
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer.. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant ... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."
A man goes surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way!! No needles!! I hate needles,' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!!' The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection', says the patient, 'I'm fine with pills'. The dentist then returns and says, 'here's a Viagra tablet'. The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller!' 'It doesn't', said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!!!
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. 'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.' 'How come?' asked Lars.'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet she can't sing.'
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench, a lady turned to Ole and said, 'Are you a pole vaulter?' Ole said, 'No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter.'
Benny died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Benny would be pleased,' she said. 'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?' 'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.' 'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?' Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.' Jody computed quickly. '$34,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?' 'Four and a half carats.'
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up the six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look! So the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." "Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."
Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. "What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee." "Oh, that's awful!" She says. "You're not kidding," says Fred. "For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…"
Definition of Liquidity - when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!
Jack was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' 'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?' ****" No, but I will for the faucet."**** ... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between..' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice. 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?' He said, 'I found the remote'. THEN THE FIGHT STARTED
Two young Swedish men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. " How much do you want for the mower? " asked the preacher. " I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle, " said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, " Will you take my bike in trade for it? " The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, " Mister, you've got yourself a deal. " The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, " I can't get this mower to start. " The little boy said, " That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started. " The preacher said, " I can't cuss. I'm a preacher and it is something we can't do. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss. " The little boy looked at him happily and said, " You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. "
A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and sputter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What s wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher ........ because the black horse don't know squat about cars.
The Maid asked for a raise. The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?" Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "The Master said so." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?" Maria: "The Master did." Madam: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?" Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did." SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat; she's cool kawse I got 'er tied under the shade tree." The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred." "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'er beef jerky this morning." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "No, you don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex." The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The guy says, "You kidding me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." ; Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eye s fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!" And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, Utah scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Utah newspapers read: " Utah archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, "The Rock Springs Rocket", a local newspaper in Wyoming reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in sagebrush fields near Superior, Ole Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Wyoming had already gone wireless
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chines, Vietnamese.. doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds. "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... all same!"
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes. I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight and your elbow locked when you tee off."
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." " Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Murphy came home plastered for the third night in a row. His wife dragged him to the window, pointing to the blazing lights of the big distillery in the distance. "See how big it is?" she said. "They can always make it faster than you can drink it." "Maybe so," said Murphy, "But I've got 'em working nights!"


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Does electronic producer and DJ Hudson Mohawke hate his fans?
I'll save those of you already familiar with Betteridge's law of headlines the sigh and answer right now:
Last night at the Middle East downstairs, it was sometimes hard to tell, but it certainly felt that way at some points.
Putting on a radical electronic show really isn't rocket science — it's as simple as giving the people what they want. Cobble together a few remixes of today's underground rap hits with dubstep or trap music or whatever subgenre happens to be in vogue that week and the crowd will worship you as a lesser deity. They're already messed up on some kind of weird pills! It doesn't really take much to win over a crowd that came to get hyped up and dance until they pass out.
And so the scene at the Middle East seemed set for success, though not without a shaky start. For one, the whole operation was running forty-five minutes late. One could accept the door guy's explanation that "the power was out", or as I enjoy speculating, we could believe that HudMo was pulling some sort of rock star-diva bullshit antics and gumming up the works. But again, this is baseless speculation. As the opening DJ spun, extravagantly-dressed youths eagerly gulped down various mysterious powders from tiny zip-loc baggies. He humbly thanked the crowd for responding so well to his set, and scurried off stage. With nary a second to waste (say what you will about electronic concerts, the set-up time is minuscule), the reedy, bespectacled nerdle known as Hudson Mohawke (née Ross Birchard of Glasgow, Scotland) took the stage. At first, he did nothing. He stood at the DJ deck of turntables, surveying the crowd.
Then he got all Kanye on 'em.
Fresh back from Kanye's studio in Paris where he had a hand in producing West's new album Yeezus, Mohawke peppered his set with the album's highlights, to varying degrees of success. Expertly, HudMo opened with the industrial banger "On Sight" from Yeezus, immediately working his crowd into a froth.
That part was great! Kids at concerts like this love hearing Daft Punk-tinged booty-shakers and the like. What kids at concerts do not like is when the DJ sees fit to stop everything for five minutes and play the entire recording of Nina Simone singing Billie Holiday's standard "Strange Fruit". We all understand that that's the sample from which the Yeezus mega-jam "Blood on the Leaves" was born, but that doesn't mean that an electronic concert is a welcome occasion for pensive soul singing. This was but one of HudMo's greatest gaffes during the performance. He also saw fit to play the entirety of Ponderosa Twins Plus One's song "Bound", another sample from Yeezus.
The crowd did not react well, yelling at him to "shut the fuck up" and "get back to the music," suggestions that HudMo did not take kindly. In response to these jeers, he threw up two middle fingers, plastered a big grin on his skinny Scottish face and sung all the words he knew as loud as he could. As if to further antagonize the crowd, Mohawke's set included no light show whatsoever, preferring to do all of his DJ'ing from the eerie white light of his MacBook.
HudMo clearly understands the fragile symbiosis between the DJ and his crowd. The slightest misstep can send them both out of whack. So if, for instance you're Hudson Mohawke and you've just dropped the full mix of "Blood on the Leaves" to the crowd's delight and approval, the thing to not do is cut it off after a minute and play something else.
The final slap in the face came at the set's close. As if poised for an encore, HudMo re-mounted his laptop. He looked passively at the screen, made a few swipes of his fingers. The crowd began chanting his name. Perhaps this offends Mohawke, as his only response was to wave his finger at the crowd and then leave without another sound.
This would be borderline intolerable behavior if Hudson Mohawke wasn't the best at what he does. He can be a real asshole, but when he's good, he's very good.
It's a difficult experience to recreate accurately with words, but here goes: The air reeks of weapons-grade marijuana and sweat that smells not of bodily odor, but of overripe Mediterranean food. It is unbearably hot, and this is the night after a long day of insufferable heat. Blaring from the speakers is a jam such as "Goooo" or "Higher Ground", and you're packed in so closely with a horde of jumping fans that you are lifted off the ground with no personal effort.
Mohawke thrives in conditions like these, and he knows it. These are his people, and spaces like these are home to him. Maybe he's going through a post-Kanye ego trip. Maybe he misses his TNGHT partner in crime, Lunice. Who knows why he's misbehaving. But if he could just keep his shit together and stick to Danny Brown remixes and original material from the upcoming TNGHT album, Hudson Mohawke could be the greatest DJ on Earth.


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Chafee, Raimondo eye far-reaching pension changesMarch 17th, 2011 at 6:00 am by Ted Nesi under General Talk
Rhode Island taxpayers and state workers are likely to face much higher pension payments under new policies being seriously considered by Gov. Lincoln Chafee and General Treasurer Gina Raimondo that have received scant attention up to now.
The Chafee administration quietly disclosed last week that it's weighing a major change in how taxpayers and workers divide up the escalating cost of annual contributions to Rhode Island's state pension fund. The idea was buried deep inside official budget documents reviewed by WPRI.com.
The result could be even more money withheld from state workers' wages than under Chafee's initial proposal to raise their contributions from 8.75% to 11.75% of each paycheck.
At the same time, Raimondo has ordered a full review of Rhode Island's long-term pension obligations and warned that actuaries may double their estimate of the state's unfunded liability from the current $4.9 billion figure to as much as $10 billion. Since that number determines the size of the annual payment required to keep the pension fund solvent, hiking it could force a large increase in the yearly contribution paid for jointly by taxpayers and workers.
Chafee and Raimondo, whose offices are working together to tackle the pension problem, discussed their plans during recent appearances on WPRI 12′s "Newsmakers." But the full implications of their efforts – and the impact they would have in combination – haven't been spelled out in full until now.
"I really think we want to look at this comprehensively with General Treasurer Gina Raimondo in the months ahead," Chafee said on "Newsmakers" last Friday.
The administration's first budget proposal "didn't take a comprehensive look at the pension fund," Chafee said. "That will come, though – it's on the front burner."
Cost to taxpayers 'just soaring'
Rhode Island had $6.8 billion in assets on hand to cover $11.5 billion in future pension payments to the system's 65,573 active and retired members as of June 30, 2009, Treasury documents show.


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June 24, 2009By Carol Ives
Annie is MFC's expert on ways to save money with natural and safe homemade products, and has taught us that making our own laundry soap is very easy. We no longer have to worry about toxic ingredients or the high cost of natural store bought detergent.
Try your hand at making your own, it's simple and fun.
- 3 pint water
- ½ bar of grated Kirks Castile Soap
- 1 cup Arm and Hammer Washing Soda (NOT baking soda)
- 1 cup Borax
- 2-3 Gallon Bucket to mix in
- Mix Kirks castile soap in a saucepan with 3 pints of hot water and heat on low until dissolved
- Stir in Washing Soda and Borax. Stir until thickened, and remove from heat.
- Add 1 quart of Hot water to the 2 gallon bucket.
- Add soap mixture and mix well.
- Fill bucket completely with additional hot water and mix well.
- Set aside for 24 hours or until mixture thickens. You may add additional hot water if the mixture becomes too thick.
Mix well before each use. Use ½ cup per load. You may add ¼ cup of Borax to heavily soiled loads. For a fabric softener use distilled white vinegar.
Did You Know…
1 cup Borax and 1 cup Washing Soda makes great inexpensive automatic dishwasher soap. Use distilled white Vinegar in your rinse compartment.


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Welcome International Customers
We're excited to share our jewelry collection with you!
Just choose your country and currency to personalize your shopping experience.
We're excited to share our jewelry collection with you!
Just choose your country and currency to personalize your shopping experience.
C. 1950 Vintage Enamel Portrait Pin Pendant With Diamonds in 18kt Yellow Gold. 20"
Our Price: $3,195.00
C. 1950 Vintage 3.5mm Pearl Portrait Pendant in 18kt Yellow Gold With Diamond Accents. 20"
Our Price: $2,795.00
C. 1980 Vintage Carved Shell Floral Pin Pendant in 18kt Yellow Gold. 18"
Our Price: $1,295.00
Item#: 811961
C. 1950. Beautifully detailed and exquisitely designed, this enamel portrait pin pendant necklace with a diamond accent from our Estate collection is an unusual find. The traditional portrait is a flattering depiction of a very fashionable and well-off society woman, with the lace of her dress as well as her hair rendered with painstaking realism. Revolver safety. Textured and polished 18kt yellow gold pin pendant with 14kt yellow gold chain. Exclusive, one-of-a-kind Estate Jewelry.
Details Gift
Box Our 100%
Necklace Drop DROP: A dangling or stationary detail which "drops" from a bale, strand or earring backing. Length:
2 1/4 inches
Necklace Drop Width:
1 1/2 inches
18kt 18KT: Karat (abbreviated kt or K) is a unit that indicates the purity of gold in the metal. 18kt is 75% gold. In Europe, 18K yellow gold is most favored and used in jewelry. Yellow Gold YELLOW GOLD: Gold is a precious metal with a natural yellow color. It is quite soft and often alloyed with other metals to increase its strength. The purity of the metal is indicated by a unit called a "karat," with 24kt having the highest percentage of natural gold.
Textured TEXTURED: A unique and varying finish with a tactile surface applied through various techniques, both by hand and with machinery. and Polished POLISHED: A buffed-out finish used to produce a mirror-like shine.
Other Material:
Enamel ENAMEL: Enamel is a glass-like colored coating which is applied or "painted" over the surface of a piece of metal, ceramic or glass. Enamel is made from powdered glass or an epoxy resin material.
Popcorn POPCORN: A lightweight, tubular chain with a beaded texture created by convex links.
Chain Size:
2 mm
Lobster LOBSTER CLASP: named after the pinching style of the hook, this clasp is often shaped like a lobster's claw. Use your finger to work the lever to open the clasp.
Revolver REVOLVER: A safety that conceals the point of a pin and keeps it in place with a revolving lever mechanism.
Fits Chain:
3 mm
Stone 1:
Diamond Diamond: The hardest and most brilliant of all gemstones, a diamond can make the heart race with its pure and fiery spark. An ancient symbol of love, a diamond is the preferred gemstone for tokens of affection, such as rings, earrings, necklaces and bracelets. Diamond is the birthstone for April. (Quantity: 3, Shape & Cutting Style: Round Single-Cut, SINGLE-CUT: A gemstone cutting technique that dates back to the 1300s. Still used today, the single-cut usually features 18 facets that go in one direction without crossing each other. Color Grade: H-I, Clarity: VS2-SI1, Weight: 0.01 ct. t.w.)
All weights and measures are approximate.
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text:
Itself a riff on Howard Hawks' El Dorado, director John Carpenter's Assault on Precinct 13 was a tightly structured, brilliantly directed and iconic tour de force. Set in Los Angeles, it pictured an isolated, about-to-be-abandoned police station under siege by a mixed-race street gang looking for a man who had killed one of their own. With its eerie score and minimalist dialogue, the film has become a true cult classic.
So naturally, today's Hollywood has taken this little gem and turned it into an over-the-top shootout replete with foul language, gruesome killings and unnecessary subplots. Such is the state of filmmaking today.
The 2005 version of Precinct 13 takes place on a snowy New Year's Eve in Detroit. Because of the weather, a bus filled with prisoners being transferred from one jail to another is forced to make a temporary stop at a police station that is being phased out. Unfortunately for the short-staffed precinct, one of the hoods on the bus is Marion Bishop (Laurence Fishburne), a major drug dealer and cop killer. Turns out Bishop has been in business with a bunch of crooked cops led by Marcus Du Vall (Gabriel Byrne), and his partners are afraid that he'll dime on them in exchange for a plea bargain. So, in the middle of the worst snowstorm in Michigan history, what seems like half of Detroit's finest decides to assault the police station in order to get Bishop and kill him.
Defending their lives are the usual gaggle of contemporary stereotypes: the cop who made a big mistake that cost two partners their lives (Ethan Hawke); a foul-mouthed secretary with sex on her brain (Drea de Matteo); a junkie criminal brought in with Bishop (John Leguizamo); the grizzled veteran about to retire (Brian Dennehy, slumming); and the totally innocent bystander, there by chance (Maria Bello, criminally misused once again).
Once these clichéd characters have been established, the remainder of the film comes down to a series of action set-pieces-none particularly memorable-and squabbles between the criminal and non-criminal elements inside the station. The cast does it best to grapple with this uninteresting material (although Fishburne, with his pompous delivery, should be reminded that he's not playing Morpheus anymore), but they're defeated at every turn by the total lack of originality in the screenplay and direction.
Ultimately nothing more than a "B" film on steroids, Assault on Precinct 13 should serve as some sort of Tinseltown cautionary tale. If you're going to revisit a classic, make sure you have something really special to bring to the party. Otherwise, don't bother.
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text:
A nice little rally point for YouTube Atheists to unite.
Members: 538
Latest Activity: Oct 31
Started by Napoleon Bonaparte. Last reply by Napoleon Bonaparte Dec 1, 2013. 1 Reply 0 Likes
Started by Sara. Last reply by Raymond Barrett Nov 25, 2013. 13 Replies 0 Likes
Started by Rogi Equality Riverstone Apr 7, 2012. 0 Replies 0 Likes
Thanx for the message Dane, i sent you a friend request, i'm still finding my way around & am interested in YT Atheists, i think i caught you on the Magic sandwich a few weeks ago? I was lurking (Didn't sign in) & found it quite interesting. I've a lot to learn re;2.0 stuff but am getting there & look forward to interacting with you in the future. Take it easy now;-))
The plot thickens.
3rd episode of Skeptics in Mormonville is up. We had a guest-host who was in a break off group of the FLDS! Strange enough he was allowed to drink coffee and booze. WTF?
Check it out here: Skeptics in Mormonville
Oh Linda, I don't blame you for not attending. Loved the only comment posted - school wasn't Christian, so why is this? or something to that affect!! lol
You're better off going out that evening with your SO or a bunch of friends that actually mean something in your life right now.
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