text:
No R. D FILED.
She sent all this to you because he isn't leaving! She wants to blow up your marriage and pressure him and strike out at you. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how you feel or what your are thinking.
Have you confronted your H? Let him do most of the talking. We, BS, so often are all over the place and we fill the silence, when we should let that silence work for us. Take a breathe. Challenge him. If he wants to continue to see her then back away. Do the 180. Don't beg or plead. It just reinforces his wanting to distance himself from you, as seeing you as weak. As SI says, you have to be willing to risk the M to save it.
[This message edited by momentintime at 5:54 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
If I live to be 200, I'll never understand why people choose to live dual lives like your husband has chosen to do for 10 years. He'd already been with her for 6 years before you even married. Why the hell would he go ahead with the wedding and create this entirely false reality for you? I'm so completely stumped on this.
I don't even have any words.
Just please know that you've been heard and my heart aches for you.
I am so so sorry you find yourself in that position.
Eat, breathe, rest. You will make it through this!
Keep posting. How did he explain his going away to you? Have you confronted him?
I know that must hurt so bad right now. Deep breaths. Better to find out now that waste one more second of your life with that loser.
Anyone can take a few pictures and show off a great relationship. Who know what she said/did to get those flowers (I should be properly appreciated or Ill tell April, etc.). Don't trust it for a second.
They're not happy. They're insanely unhappy or else he would have been with her 9.99 years ago.
He's picking her now because he thinks hes fucked up too badly for you and she's the only one that will have him.
Where I sit, the only stunning one here is you - he's a sociopath, she's pathetic, and you my dear should keep you head up and remember that!
You are young, and you WILL survive this. Hell, you will even THRIVE without him.
I suggest on Monday morning you start making phone calls to attorney offices, set up a consult, and start the process of financially protecting you and your baby.
This OW is nothing but a pathetic piece of trash who was willing to settle for the crumbs he gave her.
Hold your head up high. Take care of yourself as best as you can. Your baby needs one parent who has her best interests at heart.
Get yourself into counseling, a GOOD counselor. She will help guide you through the emotions and come out on top!
I need to get a divorce like yesterday. I wont be swayed by him, I can't.
I am in a no fault state which sucks, and I make too much money for him to give me alimony, but I will have to make him pay in other ways, I just never thought Id have to go down this path.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I dont know how i will survive this, but I have no choice
Not at all true! You are NOT pathetic. You loved honestly and authenticly - he is the broken piece of a man who couldn't appreciate the gift of you.
"clearly given that he had an amazing relationship with her."
How amazing could their slutfest really have been if he couldn't be honest about it and show her off in the light of day?
"She can have him, he will do the same to her."
Yes, he will - count on it!
"I need to get a divorce like yesterday. I wont be swayed by him, I can't."
Yes you do. Put those wheels in motion first thing Monday morning. If you find yourself being swayed, just think of what he has done.
"I am in a no fault state which sucks, and I make too much money for him to give me alimony, but I will have to make him pay in other ways, I just never thought Id have to go down this path."
Good for you that you are not tied to him financially. Many people have to endure this hell much longer due to finances. He WILL have to pay you child support and your child deserves it so don't let him off the hook.
"I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I dont know how i will survive this, but I have no choice"
As previously stated, you WILL survive and you WILL thrive. Don't doubt it for one minute.
(((((hugs to you and your beautiful baby)))))
[This message edited by Chicky at 6:52 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
Funny thing is, he showed her off... they went out together, did he want to get caught?!?
I am so glad I can provide for my child on my own, but my baby deserves child support... and unfortunately deserves to know his POS father who will want to be involved (even though he didnt want my baby).
I dont think I can be swayed, I mean, Ok. Once, fine.. but ten years? It's another life/relationship. He came clean and told me she didnt know about me until she got pregnant and wanted the baby, he had to tell her. Stupid for her for hanging around, but he's a manipulative SOB. I really hope I live in this anger, because depression is a scary place for me.
I really hope I live in this anger, because depression is a scary place for me.
Don't be fooled into thinking that your anger will avoid depression.
Freud defined depression as "anger turned inward".
You have already made a statement which is a "red flag" for depression:
I feel like the pathetic one because I couldnt satisfy him...
This is it. Anger turned inward at yourself for failing to accomplish some self-imposed, arbitrary "standard" which cannot be measured.
Please never say you are pathetic, you were a loving & faithful wife. Your H put you in a competition without ever telling you. How could you possibly win? You are normal & healthy; he is broken. You will move on from this & be heathy; he & the OW will remain locked in dysfunction - and they deserve each other.
I'm very sorry for the pain you're going through. I know it's awful now but I can promise you that you WILL get through this. ((Hugs))
You are NOT pathetic - HE is. 10 years of lying, cheating, and living two different lives???? He is a loser that doesn't deserve you! YOU are an amazing woman that gave everything to a man that appears to be sociopathic. Of course she is the love of his life - he's living in fantasyland!! Everything is fantastic in fantasyland. If he had to live with her every day she wouldn't look so damned good. And let me tell you, he wouldn't look good to her either. At some point she would have to face the fact that he lied to and cheated on his wife. Yeah, she'd think he would never do that to her but guess what? He would and if they end up together he WILL!!!
I'm new to this forum really and am going through my own Hell but your story literally took away my breath. Your heart is broken in a billion pieces but you WILL survive this! You are better off without him - I promise you that. You are not financially dependent on him, you have a beautiful baby, it sounds like you have a great family for support.
You made the absolute right decision to kick his ass to the curb. Leave him there and when he comes crawling back on his hands and knees, kick him to the curb again. Keep kicking until you are free of him.
Protect yourself at all costs. Get on-line and find an attorney in your area. Do that this weekend so you can call their office first thing on Monday morning. If you have joint banking accounts, get to the bank first thing tomorrow (presumably tomorrow is Saturday where you are), take the money out, and open your own account. Do it before he can. If you think he won't you are wrong! He will.
Since I am new here I hesitate to even say this but in your case I have to say it: divorce him NOW!!! You are in for a lifetime of hurt if you stay with him. If he would cheat like that for 10 years he's capable of much more than you know. Again, this is only my opinion. Others who have been here may advise differently. But, from where I'm sitting you have nothing to gain and everything to lose by staying with him.
You are young, you are beautiful, you are strong!!! As others say here, put on your bitch boots and show this guy those boots were made for walking.
Many, many prayers for you!
[This message edited by JT4588 at 7:56 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
Please make an appointment with a lawyer NOW!
Do NOT have sex with him no matter what!
Visit your OB/GYN for STD testing as soon as possible (sorry).
Go somewhere safe or have friends/sister/other family stay with you until you can begin to sort things out.
I am sorry you are here.
I didn't find this site until after 1 year of my Dday and I wish I would have. I definitely would have done things differently.
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
I have a great support system, and I am truly thankful for that. I would be probably on the floor if I didnt have my sister. My sister is researching everything for me, because I barely have any brain capacity right now.
I dont think he will even want to come back, I think he wanted someone else to do the hard part for him because he is a coward. I wish I knew all of this before I got pregnant (it was an accident), and knowing she was pregnant twice with his baby is so much worse.
Bank account is secured, my money is out, and his money that he used to buy her expensive gifts still remains. I never wish people harm, but I wish them a lifetime of misery. I pray I can survive this...
I am sorry you are going through hell as well, it's so awful to think of other females suffering right now.
So sorry for what you are going through, although you might not feel it at the moment, you are entirely innocent in all this.
They've had their fun, the excitement of running around under the cover of darkness, using his job as an excuse, the thrill of being covert. That all ends.
The light now shines firmly on them, you keep your head held high, you be strong. She had to bring it out into the open because he was never going to leave you.
Give it time and watch it implode but always remain with your head held high.
What he has done is appalling and the so called "friends" or work colleagues that knew all about it are despicable for encouraging it all while you remained oblivious. I can never understand that. He is a cop? He doesn't do his profession any justice does he?
Anyway I am so glad you have found this site. Even though you feel you are turning to dust inside, your true strength is showing through from the things you have wrote here. I applaud you for letting someone else mind the baby in the short term while you give yourself time to get your head together. You also sound like you have a great support network involving people of substance instead of the idiot accomplices your WH associates with. You will get stronger with time. Allow your present anger to drive you forward and get things done. Sometimes fear is the greatest motivator - use it to your advantage.
Don't be fooled into thinking that it was all hearts and flowers between them either. If it was all so fabulous and she was "the love of his life" why not make life easier and ask you for a divorce 10 years ago especially before you had a child to consider? He is romanticising it to you now because he has to justify it somehow. He is as deluded as she is. She would not have taken the desperate step she has if she was totally secure in this so called "relationship". It is absolutely pathetic. What a tragic waste of 10 years of HER life including the loss of the babies she could have had. Even if he trots off into the sunset with her, how on earth are either of them ever going to feel secure with each other? That is how you have to look at it.
I don't know how you could ever feel secure enough to forgive him for this but only you can decide. It would be the end for me I'm afraid.
Get your ducks in order and be thankful that you are in a position of independence so that you have choices for you and your child. DO NOT let him or his piece of TRASH see your insecurities. Stay strong, keep posting and gather everyone around you for support.
You will get through this and come out looking like the winner you are. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
Sending you hugs.
Ellejay x
[This message edited by momentintime at 10:29 PM, May 16th (Friday)]
Like other posters I don't usually say divorce the prick but in this instance it's warranted. If you stay with him you will die inside, your self esteem and worth will be ruined and you deserve so much more then this and your baby deserves a happy, healthy and strong mother.
Their relation-shit is built on drama, they are two fucked up people clinging to a train wreck. Believe me Hun if he made her get rid of her baby and stayed with you for so long I don't believe for a second that they have a healthy relationship.
It sounds like she pulls away and he suddenly freaks out and wants her, typical unavailable (read emotionally messed up) behaviour. Just wait for this one to implode when they have to face an actual life together. My guess is it won't last the year.
Like my idiot ex H he will probably try and come back, don't let him you are so much better then this.
Edited to add obviously my exH and the slunt didn't last, just had the most up and down, on again off again relationship I've ever observed for years. now I wish they had remained together they really deserve each other!
[This message edited by nolight at 1:45 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]
I am so sorry this happened.
Yes, find the meanest atty you can and divorce, ASAP.
I have more I want to say but for now, think of this:
This whore aborted the child they made together No man can "force" a woman to do that. If she has any conscience at all, it will eat at her forever.
That is so wrong on so many levels . . . and he wanted her to do it. What a wonderful experience to share together.
No one had a gun to his head to stay with you. He did it because he is a cake eater. He wanted it all. POS
Hold. Your. Head. High. Go dark, NC with him except for $ and kids.
You are in shock now, it's hell on a person, be with family, lean on them.
Expose them. Let everyone know what they did, abortions and all.
People will know who was the honest, loyal, good person in all this.
[This message edited by shiloe at 6:54 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]
I just dont see how this is going to get better. He wrote once in a text to her that he almost broke down crying because he felt he was losing her. I remember that day, and he was so withdrawn and depressed, I asked if he wanted a divorce...now it all makes sense. Everything is linking up.
I want to stay in bed all day and cry, I cant face this.
I read through your thread and I don't have much more to offer in terms of advice than what's already been said above. Wanted you to know that we are here listening. Continue to lean on your family for support and having a IC appt for today is good.
I want you to know that you did absolutely nothing wrong here. You are going to have many different feelings and you are now on the roller coaster from hell. Just know that we have all been there and it will get better. Even the shame and embarrassment will get better once you realize you have done nothing wrong. I get those feelings as I have BTDT and bought the t shirt. Honestly those "Friends" were clearly not friends to your marriage or your family.
You have my deepest empathy. Keep reading. Keep posting. Even if it's just to vent how you feel. We are here.
There is a real SPECIAL place in hell for this bastard!!!
((((April and son))))
I cant believe that I have been so foolish for ten years. She literally covered all her bases so he wouldnt be able to lie his way out of this. What kind of person does this to someone? She is gorgeous too. I am a simple girl, she is stunning, tall, thin, just stunning
What you have here is a crown jewel in your mind that turned out to be a cubic zirconia fake. WHO knew??? NO ONE of us can actually BELIEVE we are stupid for not "knowing." These anti-human devilish people have the upper hand. Pat yourself on the back and feel good about yourself on that alone.
This has NOTHING to do with you except the fact that the prick wasted 10years of your life. BUT he gave you a little human being to care about. This ass IMO has NO right to be "a dad." All he did was stick his dick into you...the same dick that went into her. Difference is YOU didn't abort your gift. I would move heaven and earth to get ALL parental rights wiped from him. I wouldn't want my son to be in the same store with him on opposite ends yet alone have visitation!!!
GET yourself tested for a full panel of STDS like yesterday!
I know you are in shock right now. I know your whole life just crumbled. It is horribly unfair and awful PLEASE do NOT second guess your worth or stack yourself up to her. There is SO MUCH MORE value in being a good person than any physical trait you can isolate with her.
Be glad that you only lost 10 years NOT 30. The VERY GOOD thing you have on your side is that you are not financially tied to him. Use that to your advantage by getting a good lawyer and moving on without ever looking back.
47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.
What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that
My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23
I would move heaven and earth to get ALL parental rights wiped from him. I wouldn't want my son to be in the same store with him on opposite ends yet alone have visitation!!!
This is exactly what I was thinking. He's told you he never wanted your child? Can you support your family on your own? I would want to be rid of this guy and would not want to risk the emotional damage he could bring into my child's life. If I were you I might want to throw the option out there. Sign over parental rights, get the F out of our lives. If he accepts that you'll know you've done the right thing.
What a freaking sick sociopath!
P.S. Always remember the saying - If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat ON you. I highly doubt he's been the only one for her ten years and I doubt they'll be together in six months. Even if they are, chances of one of them cheating on the other is pretty much 100%.
Hugs to you...
If you're pathetic, then so am I and countless others. I'm sure you don't see others in that light. Don't cast it on yourself.
Whatever so called "beauty" this AP has is canceled out by her ugly soul. Let her have him and see how this Shakespearean romance does when she's washing the skid marks out of his boxers.
I am sorry that you're dealing with this, but I'm glad that you found SI. It's so much easier once you see that you're far from alone.
In regards to the "stunning" OW. The packaging maybe "gorgeous" but what it is hiding is so ugly so EVIL, I hardly have words. Who the fuck sends such hurtful stuff to someone (you) who is so innocent in their fucking drama and just had a brand new baby? To blow up your world in such a manner is despicable. The level of cruelty of this fucking slunt is unfathomable. That anyone can find "beauty" in someone so disgusting is beyond me. OW wanted to hurt you, destroy you. That is not a stunning or lovely woman. That is one sick, evil twat. Gawd, I want to throat punch her for you!
Have you tried sipping on milkshakes? That was something I was able to get down, albeit slowly.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
All that aside, I can only imagine how awful this must be for you. As painful as it is going to be, you need to sit down with your H and show him what you received. I don't know what you will choose to do - I know there are a million things going through your mind right now, and several directions you can see yourself going with all this. I am so, so sorry this happened to you.
Like someone else said, I can't believe stuff like this happens - that there are people in this world who would stoop that low to get what they want, who would just purposely hurt another person so deeply out of their sheer selfishness.
Please let us know what you decide to do and know that we care for you and are here for you!
I am glad you are placing the responsibility for your WH's choices on him, though.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:08 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:21 AM, May 17th (Saturday)]
Get a lawyer, pronto. I know this hurts but they are BAD people. She knows you just had a baby and to do this is just inhuman. For him to love someone who would hurt someone else the way she did is just further proof that he's worse than she is. There are many times on here where I believe that the betrayer had a lapse of judgment (or several) and can be redeemed. This isn't one of them. He has been deliberately and cruelly deceiving you and flaunting it all over the place. He's just a terrible person who belongs with a terrible person. Let them have each other. The flames when that one blows up are going to be a mile high and you don't want to be a part of it.
While you are meeting with lawyers, get yourself some Boost or Ensure so you can keep something down. You need the nutrition. Focus on getting yourself better so you can be a mom to your new baby. Don't let your husband and that bitch steal the joy of a new baby from you. They've taken enough.
[This message edited by Mindset at 4:57 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]
Have you ever wondered what the dog does when it finally catches the car it's chasing? It does nothing. It turns and walks away. He's the dog. She's the car.
Drink an ensure. Fix your hair and makeup and remind yourself that you have every right to feel beautiful to yourself!! You say you're simple? You sound STRONG and FUNNY...and I bet he's already missing you. Who cares?! Fuck him!!! Not literally. DO NOT!
Here's the thing...cheaters compartmentalize. He wasn't risking anything in his mind. You two were in separate realities. Now he FINALLY realizes what's he has lost. Don't for a second believe that shit about him wanting to propose to her. Remember that even if this wife who called you is a "friend"...and I doubt that since she's most likely known for some time...my guess is that she's a drama llama. Avoid those at all costs!!! They love to find out a scrap of info...grossly blow it out of proportion...then tell the person who is hurting for some sick satisfaction.
Baby steps..
It sucks now, but
Life won't always be this way...
I was 3 months post partum when shit hit the fan in our house (first D-day)..Even after 3 months a new mom is super sensitive and susceptible to depression..Keep your beloved sister and friends around you...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:08 PM, May 17th (Saturday)]
I'm sorry you had to find this place, but it's a place full of wonderful people. I haven't posted in a while, but when I saw your story, I had to reach out. I, too, have a pos WH that started cheating before marriage (also a cop). It's fucking crazy making. Why go through the wedding, the kids, the pretense of building a life together? I've asked myself those questions so many times. All I can conclude is that there is broken and there is a fucking insane crazy level of fucked up broken that defines our WH's.
I only skimmed the thread, but I'm sure others have told you to take care of yourself. Please, do that. His level of fucked up has nothing to do with you. Unfortunately, the repercussions have all too much to do with you and your kid(s). I'm so sorry for that. Nothing you did or didn't do made him the colossal asshole he is. There are a few of us on here with similar situations. I just wanted to make sure you knew you weren't alone. I was 7.5 mos pregnant when I found out and it was a fucking nightmare. I'm so happy you have your sis and bff to talk to to. Feel free to pm me anytime.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will be okay. You will be okay. Sending you strength.
Bank account is secured, my money is out, and his money that he used to buy her expensive gifts still remains
I am going to start on a practical note. Where I live money taken out of the marital estate to buy gifts/vacations during an affair is called dissipation of assets. You are entitled to that money. If the OW sent you proof bring that to the lawyer's attention.
On an emotional note: I want you to know that I am so sorry. Keep your family and friends near you. Take care of yourself. This is not about some shortcoming within you. This is about the deep moral deficit/defect in them.
Hang in there, it does eventually get better.
You're in the fresh, raw state right now and I remember how the pain is almost unbearable. Keep family and friends close.
I'm happy you are taking a stand for yourself and kicking this guy to the curb. You mentioned that he is a cop. Perhaps did he use his time during his shift to see her? Maybe you can make a report to internal affairs just because and in the mean time let those two have each other.
First, I know it feel like the pain is never ending, that this is how you'll always feel, but you won't. Hold on to that when then pain gets bad -- this is NOT forever. This WILL pass. You WILL be happy again - and one day, you'll realize you don't even think about it anymore.
I know that was the scariest thing for me. I fell so far down a dark hole - and I felt like that was all there was ever going to be. That I'd never feel anything but that pain and betrayal - and it was a terrifiying prospect. I did the same thing - with imagining from chats/email etc how perfect their relationship really was - how much more he must love her etc.
Now, years later, while they are married, I know their relationship is more f-ed up then ours ever was - regardless of cheating. They aren't "soulmates" there was nothing "special" about it - even if they had convinced themselves there was.
And I am HORRIFIED by both him and her -- who aborts two children to keep a man?!?! any man. I cannot fathom it. And if she ever wanted those babies - or every wants/has babies in the future, she will have to live with a guilt that I cannot even imagine. (truly - can you imagine looking at your child one day and thinking your siblings had to be sacrifeced to I could keep your dad???? ) Honestly, i've heard a lot of messed up stuff but this just really got me -- who tells someone they "love" they they will be with them if they abort their child. That's a kind of "love" no one need - espcially not you.
It is good you know, and I'm glad you have the support of your family and friends. Lean on them, and lean on SI. I think it's the only reason I survived my first year of the aftermath of my DD.
Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
My H is convincing, but not that convincing to make her have two abortions. It is very sad, and that OW must be in such mental anguish over that in itself. Not like I care.
It's very encouraging to hear how people have survived, and I need to be a survivor...
My WH shouldn't have married me either. He married me because he wanted to become a resident which he did, but I think he never stopped thinking about her. I think he had in his mind this incredible relationship with her, and got in touch with her again after 12 years of marriage. They had had some sporadic contact before, but they hadn't seen each other. I'm positive of this because of some postings I found on the Internet.
Once he had sex with her, and impregnated her, everything changed. I suspect she wanted him to leave me, and since he didn't, she because this other person, at least in his eyes. I don't think she's ever been different.
Anyhow, what I want to tell you April, is that it will get better. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and please, please go see your doctor. I fell down into an abyss of darkness and despair and waited too long to see my doctor, almost a month. He gave me an antidepressant, anti-anxiety medication and sleep medicine. That's what made me function again, at least it helped, the crying spells got more sporadic. Keep posting, take care of yourself so you can enjoy your beautiful baby.
The OW outed the affair in the cruellest way. So lets deal with her first. To do this to you when you have such a tiny baby, when you are at your most vulnerable, shows just what sort of person she is. She may be stunning on the outside, but rest assured, your WH knows her for the vile, ugly person she is on the inside. And THAT is why he never had any intention of leaving you for her. She took on this role the one of feeding your WHs fragile ego knowing that was all she was and ever would be to him. That is the role of mistress (or OM). That was her JOB. His biggest mistake is the most common to give in and give her a promise of a date in the future. When he promised to leave after the baby was born, that point in time was so far into the future, he thought he was safe. And he would deal with pushing the date back when it arrived. He didnt think about what he had said, he only knew he was putting off the day when the affair would be exposed. If she was all that and more, he would have gone before he even married you. He would have gone 9.5yrs ago. He didnt. He knew she was bad news from the start. So April, mentally kick her back into the gutter. Because that is where she came from and that is where she belongs.
Oh, and that business of being pregnant twice? Unlikely. Sounds like the usual story an OW will spin to try and persuade her lover to leave his wife. She says shes pregnant and waits. Then (well I never!) she either loses it or has an abortion. She did this twice and it didnt work. So she upped the ante and told you. Her final throw of the dice to get her man. That man who so far hadnt left his wife.
More on the LTA. The LTA beast is a different animal. It involves deception on a massive scale. The WS becomes an accomplished liar (they probably are natural liars anyway) and they get comfortable with living a duplicitous life. Generally, the AP knows the WS is unlikely to leave their spouse. If the WS is stupid enough to make promises they arent going to keep (same thing was about to happen in my case so confessed before MOW told me), then the AP vents their fury on the innocent and ignorant BS. They do this in the full knowledge that it will cause the deepest hurt to the WS and cause devastation on the scale of a tsunami or nuclear bomb. Then they sit back with a glass of wine, watching with Schadenfreude. If he has gone to her, rest assured that it wont last. Hell stay until hes had enough or he will do the same again and the OW will get a dose of her own medicine.
Please do all you need to do all you can to protect yourself and your darling baby. Please see your doctor, get your STD checks done and let them know what has happened and get meds if you need them. Since your baby is so young, they will probably want to check on you from time to time and see how you are doing.
Out the affair to everyone and do not excuse his despicable behaviour by finding reasons of her being sooo attractive. No, he made a choice and you found out so you are kicking his arse out of your life. He abused your love and abused your trust. No explanation needed.
There will be bad days and there will be even worse days. Accept each day as it comes and protect yourself by leaning on your sister and your friends. Look to your son and make him your focus for your future. Eventually, the time will come when you will not have to think about dragging yourself out of bed every day, you will have a moment of pleasure and you will smile again. Not right now maybe, but you will.
Hugs to you. (((((April)))))
[This message edited by UKgirl at 7:36 AM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
Well, Im gonna get out of bed every morning
.breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while, I wont have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out
and, after a while, I wont have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
I know its a sappy movie, but that little speech came to me in the days after d-day. I held on to something to help me through. I didnt want to wake up in the morning, let alone breathe in and out. But the boys got me through. And the dogs. I wanted to be there for them. My WH could go fuck himself, but I had to drag myself out of bed, get through the shakes and the tears and get on with the day. And then, yes, after a while, I could do it without first wishing I could just sleep and never wake up.
It will get better, I promise you that it will. See your doctor. Get some help.
Remember that the best revenge is to be successful and happy. OW and WH? They wont matter.
The papers are to be delivered today... Step 1 of many more.
Wow! It has been a while since I have checked on you. I am so sorry. What a complete a--hole he is. And the OW - unbelievable. Yes, I see now that she sent what she did hoping you would do what you are doing - kicking him out of your life. Believe me, you deserve a zillion times better than this - than him and his lies and his inability to make a proper decision in his life.
You say: "I am still waiting from calls from the lawyers and now he already has his lawyers, so I can only hope mine are better than his. From what she's told me, he has spend about 10k on her"
April, there is no way you will lose this case. Your H owes you - big time. Keep the records of what he spent on her. Keep the horrible package she sent you. The truth is 100% on your side - you have the physical proof. It is not going to be easy and, for that, my heart goes out to you. But my prayer for you is that, when this nightmare is over, you will find a wonderful man who will love and adore you as you deserve to be loved and adored.
Your story really breaks my heart. Please stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. I am so happy that you are with a friend and family. If you ever need to just vent, come here! We will walk through this with you. Hang in there and do something for yourself - do lots of things for yourself. You deserve it!
I know Mr UKg would have gone to MOW. Because he doesn't function well alone. It wouldn't have lasted. He would have used her while he planned what to do, where to go and how to manage. And then left her.
If your WH has gone to OW, this is the most likely reason why: being with her is better than being alone. A part of the loaf is better than none. Makes him a pretty sad person and will make OW more f**ked up than she already is. Her triumph is temporary.
Stay on your road. And look after yourself and your baby. Expect the flack to fly when he gets served and be prepared to give him stony silence. Use your lawyer, your sister, your friends and family as your barrier against him. And begin your healing behind it. Hugs. (((((April)))))
This also helped me: Think Sandra Bullock. Think strong woman. She absolutely did not cause Jesse James to do what he did. She showed us a strong personna when she found out about her H. She immediately knew she did nothing wrong - she realized the fault was with Jess James (at least that's what we read). She was my role model when I found out about my XWH.
You are not wrong. Your husband sounds alot like Scott Peterson -I read about in a book recently.A deadly game. He had 2 lives.
We are trusting souls. These people are "off". Thank God you found out now. Shut these people out of your life. I NEVER talked to the OW once I found out -- they had me become friends WITH HER. I felt so stupid, but I realize they are evil.
Also, you newborn will be better off growing up with you. My poor children have years of a family unit -- I should have left their dad when I was pregnant and found out he was at topless bars.
((((hugs)))) keep posting.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:10 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed
Sandra Bullock is such a good person to draw a parallel with, I totally forgot about how she handled all that.
I only know OW through pics...I'm resisting the urge to cyber stalk, will only hurt more.
May I ask what your 24 hour ultimatum was?
Then to top it off he hasn't left after 10 years, so probably for a year or two she's been accumulating "evidence" to send to you?? Saving boarding passes, texts, stray hairs(I'm exaggerating but seriously), so that she can show his wife that he's been cheating for 10 years. "Well, he won't leave his wife, I will make her kick him out so that I can finally have him". Ummmm...2nd place much loser whore?? More like last place loser whore, because if you had to throw him under the bus to get his wife to kick him out, do you think he's going to stick around her for very long???
And the cake topper, he tells her that she needs to get rid of their baby to have a chance at happiness in the future...and she bought it did what he asked and he still didn't leave you. ARE EITHER OF THEM FOR REAL??? Is she a crack dealer? I want some of what she is smoking? And this is her prize, her KISA?? April, I know it doesn't feel this way, but send her a "Thank You" card at least a pretend thank you card (because please do NOT engage in any conversation with this scuzbag whore), she has done you a HUGE FAVOUR.
Oh my...April3216, grab some popcorn and candy (but small size) because this will be a short ride on the Karma bus for your WS and for her. (or maybe it will be a looooooooooooong ride filled with 20+ years of deception.
What is happening right now is what has to happen. Your WS KNOWS there is no F'ing way you will take him back. He now is trapped into going with her. He will be like a rat in a trap trying to get out. I guarantee it he will have another woman no later then 6 months. GUARANTEED.
Put some butter on that popcorn and take him for all that he's worth because this whore will get pregnant faster then you can say "salami sandwich" and the first person to get the child support wins. Protect yourself and your baby!
You say she's beautiful. She could be the most gorgeous thing since Catherine Zeta Jones in Zorro, but she's the ugliest thing around on the inside. Looks will only get her so far. For being so "beautiful" how come she needs a married man? Think about it...because no man in their right mind would touch her with a 1000 foot pole. (Your WS is obviosly not in his right mind!)
[This message edited by Broken1Again at 6:30 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
I just saw your thread today and I am so sorry this is happening to you.
You have been receiving excellent advice and strategies. There is no finer group of women who have your best interests at heart, than the
warriors of SI.
I know you are saddened. That is only natural. I do want you to be prepared for the day in the future, when your WH comes to you. He will want to make a deal.
It will be right out of the movie, "The Godfather."
Remember what the godfather told Michael: "Be careful...whoever comes to you to make the deal...they are your enemy. Do not trust them."
I am paraphrasing, but you get my point.
When he comes to you...do not listen. He is not your friend. Do not allow him to attempt to broker a deal for himself. Let your lawyer talk for you. You have better things to do, as you have a baby to care for and a future to plan.
Whoever told you that the "two abortions" concept was a lie, has my agreement. I just don't believe you can even WANT a guy who does this to you TWICE. I don't want to generalize here, but I personally doubt it.
Oh and please don't think this 'super model type' was conned, conived or manipulated by your WH. She had the opportunity to SEE him for ten years. She knows exactly who and what he is and we know exactly what she is, too.
Concentrate on your baby, April. You are going to be fine. Kudos for getting that lawyer so quickly. Yes, you are a quick study and you are going to be just fine.
Unfortunately the pregnancies were true...When we spoke when I confronted him he was present for both ultrasounds bc that was the first thing I asked that asshole. He was going to do paternity, but was sure they were his. So sad. This is all so sad.
This was just the tip of the iceberg of my XWH. I then found out he was on Craigs list chat rooms for sex, etc, etc. When I saw the 12,000 text messages between them,(subpoena issued by the judge) I felt my mind slip a gear!This was the very last straw before I walked into Charter. I suddenly thought,,, my mom would NEVER have to go thru something like this in her life and it's insane. absolutely insane. I realized then I had seen enough. I knew if I kept digging, it was going to be an even longer time to dig out.
What I learned at Charter is that if you do an outpatient deal its like a year of counseling! (6 hours a day x 10 days = 60 hours! more than counseling 1x a week for a year.
In my group were 5 wives plus me. A cop. An older man whose grandson died. 1 woman who suddenly had a breakdown -- too much stress - was a triathlete, and a woman who had fallen at home and it gave her wierd dreams --- I'm assuming she had had a seizure or something. THen there were 2 girls there who were there after their drug treatment program ended. -- this is like a drug treatment facility in one building and outpatient in another building.
Basically, everyone was "normal" just had all this happen to them and it was overwhelming. My insurance paid almost all of it, and they let me pay out the deductible... remember they have to run these places and alot of people have NO insurance, so at least they know they are getting paid something from your ins company.
THis was during my divorce and my counselor said it would look GOOD in my divorce, NOT bad if I got help for this whole situation. It was never brought up though, because I never told my WH I went. I knew I had to go to survive! I had been thru too much for a normal person to bear - and XWH was only with her for 1 year -- you have 10 years to deal with. You are strong. You can do this.
One last thing,,, your newborn is being cared for and that is the main thing right now. If your baby were a 2 year old they might be like all wheres' my mama, but as long as loving hands are holding your child, he/she is fine. I know because I am an adopted child. I wasn't adopted til I was 6 weeks, but I was held by loving hands during those 6 weeks and then by a loving family the rest of my life. Your baby will be ok now with your family helping you while you sort thru this mess.
Put on your oxygen mask. Do what your counselor tells you to do.
No Contact with your WS = no new hurts. He and the OW DO NOT GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK TO YOU. Shields up we say here. They cannot help you to process everything.
[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:50 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]
Well, he served me first... don't ask me how that happened. Probably race against the clocks with the lawyers, but doesnt matter, he won't come out on top. Unfortunately (or fortunately), OW did not take him when he went to her.
The business of him serving first: It could be that since you threw him out and shut the door, he thought that he could have his plan B and go to her. In order to make it look to OW that she is in fact the love of his life, he would have to do the Oh, thank God for that, Im out of that marriage, now we can be together my darling!!! even though he was being insincere. Or he may have served first as an act of running away from the problem. IOW, get it over with already. And no, he wont come out on top.
OW not taking him in could be another scene in their fantasy film. She wants him to prove by crawling over cut glass that she really is the love of his life and he will do anything for her. This is how their life has been her saying enough, please leave me alone and then him telling her how much he loved her, blah blah crap. Thats often the way LTAs work, like a pendulum or a Newtons cradle. But whether or not he is with OW doesnt matter.
Our savings is joint, and that all looks in tact
I should change my number.
Again, she sent emails from him saying he made the worst mistake ever.
When we spoke when I confronted him he was present for both ultrasounds bc that was the first thing I asked that asshole. He was going to do paternity, but was sure they were his. So sad. This is all so sad.
Read about the 180 repeatedly until it becomes your normal response to any contact from that fucktard who used to be your husband.
Emotional abuse IS domestic violence. Shields up. Protect yourself. IF he goes to get some sort of help, let him. Stay out of it. Watch, but do not get back involved with him/his thoughts/ his nothing for at least a year of solid recovery.
He will never go to therapy, and there is no way I will ever be involved romantically with him again. Fucker!
Re-read what you wrote...
These people are revolting. Despicable. Foul and fetid. You are like a shining white light, blazing out before them.
They have absolutely no idea what love is. They are missing all the values that love requires: kindness, consideration, respect, responsibility, faithfulness, loyalty, integrity...etc
You have had a lucky escape. Congratulations. Wipe the shite off your dress and dance into your future. Kiss your beautiful baby, you really are going to be fine. There is a man out there that epitomises those values and he will love you and your child with his whole heart.
Kia kaha
April, 10 years is a long time to remain with someone who is "second best". He could have walked away years ago but didn't. He has actually used you both in different ways. He was getting off on having the security of a marriage with you and a "bit on the side" which is all she is.
The fantasy of being together will be over soon. Once she has had the thrill of picking up his skid marked underpants and sweaty socks more than twice, the sexiness of it all will greatly diminish.
He is with her now because like you have said, he has no other options. God forbid if he should have to spend a few days on his own without his ego being fed. She is basically his crutch. How romantic?
You will be angry, devastated and absolutely shattered for some time. It is a natural process but a bloody hideous thing to go through - believe me I know as we all do on SI. The upside is that you will (in time) move through the various stages of grief and come out the other side with your integrity and soul still intact which is something neither he or the OW will have EVER.
A quick word of advice - involve his family as little as possible unless they are offering unconditional support. I have found that blood is thicker than morals when the WS family finds out what a piece of shit their son/daughter/brother/sister actually is. I was married for 25 years and my ex H's mother went into total denial about her son's behavior despite receiving unconditional love from me for all those years. Unless your SIL is going to rally round and support you with everything you need to get you through these early days, I would suggest you tell her to fuck off next time she comes up with the latest newsflash on her brother's appalling behavior.
What is he doing about his baby son? Is he intending on being involved with him on a regular basis? It absolutely stuns me that all he can think about is shacking up with this OW when he is losing the greatest gift of all.
Please continue to get counselling and if necessary get some anti-depressants if it enables you to cope right now. It is what is best for you and your baby that counts.
You have a lot of people on your side here. Please be gentle on yourself. You have so much going for you.
Love Ellejay
Well, it's unfortunately his house so I am in process of finding an apartment for the interim.
Custody, support, spousal support, property division, visitation, health insurance are the REAL issues. Not who gets Aunt Tilly's china figurine collection (unless its a true valuable antique), or how much dog custody/visitation he gets.
The house may have been acquired by him before marriage, but that doesn't mean its automatically his sole and separate property.
I also noticed that you might be having a hard time wrapping your mind around this affair without believing he must have loved her. Let me clear this up for you. The love he gave her...and the love he gave you...is that the definition of love you'd give someone? Nope...because it wasn't love. Love isn't cruel and deceptive. It's not bred in the dark. It's admirable and honest. If he had come to you very early on as a man and told you he needed to be with her...that would be "love" but he did not. He gave her "love crumbs". That is not love...but you'll see...when you actually experience REAL love...and you will.
He gave us both crumbs essentially. But his fairytale ending will happen (if she even takes him back), and I guess i'll just have to find my own. :(
Oh...and tell your sister in law she's a trifling bitch if she speaks to you again.
Another thing to learn is 'reframing' - you'll get good at that too, & I think you'll be funny and epic with it.
Do you know what being "2nd best" to a sociopath is called?
Dodging a bullet.
Take care dear April, you're funny and bright.
It shines through!
Send her a "Thank You" card for saving you from this asshole. Seriously, I just read on here somewhere that someone did that. I think you should! Thank God she saved you from further lies and deception from this scum of the earth asshole!!
I really do know what it is like to have your life turned upside down. My husband cheated on me for over half of our 25 year marriage. I found out 2 1/2 years ago. I was 53. We are trying to reconcile and I think we will get there, but our relationship will never be what it could have been without the betrayal. There will always be that black cloud over us. The pain is not as intense now, but it will always be there.
If I had found out when I was in my 30's, I would have left him and begun a new and authentic life. I would have had a second chance to find happiness. And now, so do you.
I know that trying to understand how someone we love can lead a double life and hurt us so deeply can take up a lot of space in our heads. Don't even try. There is no understanding it.
Yes it hurts, but it will get better. It will take awhile, but it really will. And one day, you will be able to feel happiness again.
You have a chance for a new beginning with your baby. Seize it. One day you will see that even though this is a terribly painful experience, it is like a rebirth.
Leave those poisonous people far behind you. You can be free of them.
As Truly said:
"You have had a lucky escape. Congratulations. Wipe the shite off your dress and dance into your future. Kiss your beautiful baby, you really are going to be fine. There is a man out there that epitomises those values and he will love you and your child with his whole heart."
She is so right!
Talk about turning a person's life upside down, lol..
No possibility of R here...Instead, I get to split a portion of my retirement with WH and un retire so that I can survive on my own after D...
One can understand why I am taking my sweet time before I file..
Maybe my WH will drop dead first (JK)
It will take time, but you will do fine in getting out of your situation...
Please, please, PLEASE, when you remarry or enter another long term relationship someday, make sure that you are fully protected financially, no joint finances or accounts with new partner...Any joint venture must have you fully protected legally and in writing..You must BE ABLE to walk away immediately if you need to...This is how I am gonna plan my new life when I get out of my situation..
No more having our livelihoods turned upside down along with our emotions when/if a relationship or marriage partner becomes our worst enemy..
A decent partner will understand that this need to protect ourselves is the baggage that we will carry lifelong as a scar of infidelity
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:35 AM, May 23rd (Friday)]
How someone can do this to another human being is insane and that is what he is. He is a monster. He may be with her but she will get to see the real him soon enough.
You hold your beautiful head high and KNOW that you are better inside and out and it is his loss.
I am so so so sorry... No one should have to deal with this shit!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
You are not second best and I do want you to know that. Believe it. Know it to be the absolute truth.
Earlier, you said that your WH cannot be alone.
That's just it in a nutshell. This man will always manage to be in a warm, drama-filled bed. Of course he had to go back to the OW. What else could he do? I mean, SOMEBODY has to take him, right?
Love your new, baby boy. Don't concern yourself with the SIL, OW, or anyone else who is not in your support framework. Your baby is your paramount concern and you need all of your energy for him.
As I live and breathe, I really do believe you will be just fine.
Okay, this is totally petty to say, but I hope they have an ugly kid. O
Rule #1 DO NOT RESPOND TO HER AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
She has one goal...destroy your family.
You need a therapist TODAY.
Can you get a friend to come stay with you for a few days?
Make sure you are sleeping and eating
Focus on that sweet baby because in truth nothing else matters!!!
You WILL survive this and SI can offer big support for you.
AS for your sweet angel my prayers are for a silly beautiful little angel that will fill your heart with love and you mind with wonder. Your piece of spider egg dogshit human feces of a husband is going to bounce back and force between the two of you IF YOU ALLOW IT.
For your own strength, beauty, purpose, and destiny deny him deny him deny him deny him! He is the worst of the worst kiddo. He is NOTHING but heartache for DECADES and he will be a HORRIFIC influence on your sweet child. I hope you have found a minister or therapist. Do you have a good relationship with your family? Can you go live with them a while? What part of the country are you in...maybe someone here can help you out.
Rule #1 DO NOT CONTACT HER
Rule #2 GET AWAY FROM HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK
Everything else will fall into place
"You have to be open to getting your happily ever after......and sometimes our happily ever after isn't what we thought it would be."
You are going to be alright.
[This message edited by angerisme at 2:12 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]
D-Day #1 March 2002- 4 month EA and PA with co -worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - inappropriate relationship with co-worker
In R
It's funny how sometimes the people you'd take a bullet f
I really wish I thought I would eventually find happiness. I just dont see that that will EVER happen. I can't even find happiness in the baby. How can someone do this to someone else?
Right now, you are in wonder that you wake up and find you are still breathing. That this tiny person so unaware of the devastation, is looking to you to sustain him. It's you and him now. That man, that apology for a human being, abandoned you and took the last plane out, knowing what was coming. How can they do this? They stuff it all into a tiny box in their heads, lock it down and hammer in a ton of nails. The flaw is in HIM, not you. He is totally self absorbed in what he wants. His life is based on lies. Yours is not. Who would you rather be? Him? Nope. OW? Hell, no. Or you? Yep, that person looking back at you in the mirror. She's the one.
How do you find happiness again? You take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and you get through it. You eat when you can, let the sun warm your face when it's out, let friends hug you, cry when it's all too much. Take each day and treat it as a day survived. Put it on the "I survived" pile. One day, you will feel slightly lighter, less head-achey, that the pain in your chest is easing and someone has said something to make you smile a little. And then you know you are on your way out.
Eventually, not now, not next month, possibly not even next year, but eventually, you will get to a place of indifference towards him and be at peace with yourself. It will always be HIS loss, not yours. You will be glad it was now and not years down the line.
And you will be happy again. You have shown amazing qualities in a situation most of us find truly appalling and those qualities, my dear April, will haul you out of this pit. You are recovering from being battered; you need to heal just as surely as if you had multiple bone fractures. So be kind to yourself.
The goal is to have your revenge by being successful and being happy. One day, one step at a time. It's a long road, but you will get there. I promise you will.
April, please read this, I'll comment at the end.
The perception is that older people dont get divorced, says researcher Susan L. Brown, PhD, a professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Ohio.
Shes discovered that they do and in growing numbers. From 1980 to 2008, she found, divorce among men 65 and older doubled from 5 to 10 percent. Among women 65 and and older, it tripled, from 4 to 12 percent.
In 2010, 1 of every 20 people in the US who got divorced was 65-plus, Brown has found, using Census Bureau data.
The trend for senior divorce isnt nearly as strong as it is among Baby Boomers age 50 to 64, whose divorce rate is more than four times that of those 65-plus. Still, those seniors are a substantial part of the whats being called the gray divorce trend. And these splits can take family and friends by surprise.
Did you see those ages? 50 to 65+, though I take disagreement with the author since I just turned 66 a week ago and I AM a Baby Boomer. The point is if all the gray generation people can see hope for the future, via whatever it is they hope to achieve once they are divorced (some reasons in the article), although it doesn't seem like it now, you will see happiness again. And I'm guessing sooner, then later, as you continue to bond with your baby.
One more thing, can't remember if it was mentioned, do see your OB-GYN or Primary Care doctor..not just for STD testing, but do let them know what you are going through so they can watch or help you with any postpartum depression. This is nothing to play around with, some women can go into postpartum psychosis & some women never really recover w/o treatment.
It WILL get better for you, but there's no easy way around it, we just get through it, day by day & you will too...make that another mantra you repeat to yourself. Best wishes.
― Maya Angelou
Love and bonding develop over time. And that is what will happen here. Love can be a choice. Be amazed at this tiny person, be amazed at yourself and what your body had produced. This perfectly formed little human. You can give him unconditional love and he will not judge you for it. And hes all yours if you want him.
If you were to have your brain studied, it would show emotional areas lit up when you are shown a picture of your child. Or when you hear a baby cry. Even if you dont feel it consciously, you are subconsciously. The bond is there, and it will grow.
Your baby is yours to nurture and turn into the person you would like him to be. He may look like his father, but he will also look like you. Its whats inside that counts, not the wrapping on the outside.
We have health visitors in the UK, a trained specialist who takes over from the midwife and is around for the first months and years of a babys life, does all the weighing, inoculations and checks and also makes sure the mother is okay. Do you have anything like that where you are? If not, please make sure you tell someone how you are feeling. Tell your doctor or talk to a paediatric nurse or a therapist with experience of baby/mother bonding. See your son. The more time you spend with him and care for him, the more you will bond. And then you will want to see and be with him.
Everything you are going through is normal. Please remember that you have been traumatised and most likely, you are still suffering from shock. Shock will often shut down some emotional areas just so you can survive. But you will heal. Slowly but surely, you will heal. Your son will be the best thing to come out of all of this. Give yourself time. And see a professional to get some help.
Hugs hon. (((((April)))))
[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:23 AM, May 28th (Wednesday)]
I went through something very similar as you 12 years ago. XH was a cop, a liar, probable sociopath, serial cheater, lived a double life, pathalogical liar, secretly had OC with his OW. I was blindsided. (It's in my profile)
I know exactly how you feel. Hurt, stunned, shellshocked, numb, angry, and many other emotions all wrapped up together. It's horrible.
Get to your Dr. & get on some antideprssants ASAP. That was the only way I got through it.
I know I'm painting this crazy picture of their relationship but he risked everything for her.
If yours is anything like mine was, he wasn't risking anything. These types don't think like you or I do. They don't value family, marriage, values or morality or fear the loss of these things. They are only thinking of THEMSELVES and their own personal gratification. They're like animals guided by instinct, rather than any moral compass.
You will get past this. It will take time, and it's going to hurt for a long time. Take hold of that anger and use it to get you through the next year. Get yourself into therapy. It will help and you will heal much faster.
You WILL find love again. And the next time it will be right and wonderful. Your life will go on to be happy and stable.
His will continue to be a train-wreck.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
UKgirl and sadtoo, thank you so much for all your kind words. I truly cannot express my gratitude for finding such wonderful people on this board.
.....I have been made to feel so guilty for giving up on my marriage with a newborn...
Who ever is making you feel this way, STOP listening to them. If it is your parents, they are more likely worried about you being a single mom, and probably still shell shocked like you. If it's a "friend".....well, let's just say misery loves company. I found that my "friends" who encouraged me to stay with my XH (and knew the facts) were either miserable in their own marriages or were really more "friends" with XH and feeding him details from my camp.
Plus, remind these people that there wasn't a marriage to "give up on."
I certainly hope you aren't feeling compassion for OW any longer. She stomped all over you, squashed you, blew up your world to get what she wanted. To destroy another human being for your selfish goals is inexcusable and deserves no compassion.
It's obviouse to me that you're a very strong woman. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I see a woman who is doing the best she can during a very dark time in her life. You are grieving the end of your marriage. And as if that weren't enough you're dealing with postpartum. None of these things you asked for. You WILL make it through this. When you're ready then you can begin to bond with your baby. Just keep seeing your IC and continue going through the motions. You really will be ok. You're going to come out of this dark time a better friend, companion and mom.
I am only thankful for her in that she told me, because he was NEVER going to. Fucker
You are going to be an amazing mother, you are going to be happy. Your son is going to be happy and love you so much.
I agree-- it was actually a co-worker. She was like omg you have a new baby, you can't get divorced
You know reading your post it is obvious the OW is damaged. The rape, the bad M, the two abortions, the need to send you all that info so he would leave and fulfill his promises. She may be beautiful on the outside, but she is very insecure. He sounds like a KISA and is truly a coward. He could have faced you and acted like a man and told you he needed a divorce for whatever reasons. But no, I think he like having your both.
Find your new normal, you will recover and be a stronger person. It will take time, it always does, but it will happen for you. You must believe us. Recovery may be slow but it happens, almost without you realizing it at times.
Don't be envious of them. Look what she had to do to you to get her supposed "happiness". Also the pregnancy is a means to try and hold them together. As you know from experience, having a baby for him is meaningless. He is simply a sperm donor. I don't foresee happy ever after for them. The fantasy of being together full time is just that a fantasy. Reality will be their downfall. Happily when that happens you will be on the mend, moving on to bright days with a beautiful son. (And when you look at your son, see the parts of YOU in him, don't dwell on the poor father he has).
He knew this girl was damaged, and he took advantage of that and came to her "rescue", and now she is clearly damaged again. It's just a very sad situation for all involved.
Honey, make your own life now. As you say, people do NOT know your situation and certainly have no business making crass comments. Things are so very raw for you at the moment and you will be hurt by the things people say. And remarks that are not intended to cause you pain will do. Try to keep to family and those you trust to look after you and your son. You will survive this. Take each day at a time. As the legal wheels begin to turn, you will find a way to emotionally divorce your WH too. And one day, they wont matter anymore.
I am praying for the day he doesn't occupy my every thought from morning until night because right now, it's sheer torture.
So terribly sorry to hear what that piece of moving sh-t has done to you and your dear baby. I cannot express how furious reading your thread me and how I can feel hate towards him.
I completely agree that divorcing such a sociopath is by far the best thing you can do for yourself and for your son! Honestly, that way you're giving yourself and your son the best odds to truly be happy again soon.
And while the betrayal I suffered was in different circumstances, in my experience it gets better. I thought I would never come close to being happy again, I was a zombie, I started drinking, I often broke down on crowded streets to cry, could barely function at work etc. But with time, it got better, I started to enjoy life again, I even fell in love again (she didn't reciprocate, but it felt great to be in love with someone new, someone much more normal than my ex:)), I worked on my childhood issues and all in all I grew a lot.
I don't know you, but from what you've written here, you seem very smart, tough (to be functioning and writing here and still fighting for yourself and your boy), very funny (I laughed at what you've written in some posts),..., and I'm very optimistic that in due time, you will be much happier than you ever were before, enjoying life with your son, family and friends. And in due time, you will be ready to cautiously open your heart to someone new. And considering your good qualities that are immediately visible from your posts here to all of us, a lot of normal/good guys will be happy for a chance of dating you. But whether you'll meet someone new or not, you will be much much much happier in life than you've ever been without that anchor made out of feces hung around your neck.
He's a monster. Hopefully, he will soon be preoccupied with his new victims and he will leave you and your son alone, so he will pay the CS, but leave you alone. And you will learn how to protect yourself from ever being hurt by him, and you will never ever have to directly exchange another word with him (maybe have your sister act as the middle person for any messages from and to him).
I can only imagine how hard it is for you. But right now you've been metaphorically punched and are struggling to get off the ground. But you are fighting, you are getting back on your feet. And we're all so proud of you for doing so great!
And don't feel bad about not spending a lot of time with your boy now - as long as your family can help you with him, take this time to get back on your feet, and then you will do a great job of being with him more often. And even now, all that you're doing now, is helping your son! You are taking care of yourself, you're coping with trauma in a healthy manner, and that's the best thing you can do for your son at this moment.
Hope to hear lots more from you! Best wishes
Not sure you feel it yet but I can tell you're starting to get past your soon to be exWH. Keep writing and dealing with your pain. The sooner you get past this drama the sooner you'll get to live life you were meant to live. If you need to FB stalk then stalk. I did the same thing trying to see exactly what my WW saw in the OM. The only thing I saw was the huge nose on the end of his bitter beer face lol! But I found that after awhile I got tired of the negative feelings and depression. It's almost as if you're desensitizing yourself of the trauma.
I encourage you to keep posting and getting the anger out and in the open. Keep seeing your IC. One day you're going to wake up and realize this is all behind you and you'll realize you can be happy again.
They're engaged already? And twins?? Yeah, that will most likely throw their little fantasyland relationship right into the real world. Nothing like 2 screaming babies all night to shake up their "perfect" world. Sit back and grab the popcorn.
Your baby is going to grow up feeling so much love. Your family has been helping you take care of your little one and no doubt they will continue to be a big part of your child's life.
Maybe it's a good thing that he wants to get this over as quickly as possible. It seems like he won't fight you over stuff so use it to your advantage and try to get as much out of the divorce as possible.
You are a beautiful, smart, and strong woman. You will come out of this and things will be better. It will take time, yes, but you have so much going for you. I imagine a great future for you and your baby.
I'm pretty sure most of us do the FB stalking thing, especially in the beginning. If that's what you need right now than do it.
I am so sorry.
You are in shock.
Can you call a counselor for someone to talk to. Or a pastor or someone who can offer objective advice.
Also, please see an attorney pronto. You need to lock down your bank accounts.
Theroadahead; Yup! I guess his SIL was right when she told me they were going to get engaged. I have a giant tub-sized cosco popcorn and I can sit back and watch, but something tells me they are going to be happy. I was never meant to be with him, he always wanted her
I hate social media! BUT without it I wouldnt have been able to receive such evidence against my H. Oh well. He will fight me over his pension, and frankly, he can have it. I dont need anything from him but CS. I dont even want this stupid house.
Seethelight: Hi, yes I am in IC and the divorce has already been filed. We are now in the waiting period ONLY 10 MORE WEEKS TO GO. Ugh.
I know it's always easier to be the one to hand our the advice. Just keep moving forward. Keep posting here on SI. Adventually you'll get to a place where you'll be sick and tired of letting WH have any more control over your life. That day is coming soon I promise you. Are you still seeing IC?
No one can force this douche canoe to be a decent human, but the courts can make sure he's at least financially responsible for your son.
He and his OW/fiancee/soulmate will eventually get EVERYTHING they so richly deserve.
But in the interim April, make SURE to get that child support order in motion. Do NOT procrastinate on that.
Please see your doctor or post natal nurse and tell them how you are (not) faring. You have a loving family and wonderful friends. I think we all remember days when we just wanted the world to stop. For everything to stop. I remember feeling vaguely surprised I was still alive upon waking from sleep (not that it was sleep, it was falling into a different state of being), somehow still living and breathing. But there is a world worth living for out there. You are imprisoned by your trauma and dire emotional condition, but you do hold the key. No one else does you do.
He was never responsible for your happiness you were. Yes, you were happy with him and happy to have a baby with him. Yes, he was responsible for making you desperately unhappy. But now YOU are responsible. And you are responsible for your own happiness and the happiness of your son until he is old enough to take care of himself. Through him, you will find happiness again. And you will love again. Not now, not this year maybe. But you will. If you have loved once, you can love again. If you have trusted once, you can trust again (but with more caution!).
You are in control now. No one but you. So look at yourself and KNOW you can do this. Little steps, one hour and one day at a time. If you had been run over with every bone broken, no on would expect you to get up and walk. So be kind to yourself and be your own best friend. Have a small goal each day, even if its just to walk with your son in his stroller to a pleasant local coffee shop. Watch the people go by, feel the sun on your face, count your blessings because you have more than you think.
You have met people here who have and are going through exactly what you are going through right now. So you are not alone. And those others are living proof that some jerks are better out of your life sooner rather than later.
Get some strength from your counselling. It will get better. Honestly, it will.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 10:37 AM, June 5th (Thursday)]
After reading this from start to finish I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through right now. I know HOW you are feeling though, I know WHAT you are feeling, as many of us have gone through these same feelings of betrayal as you have.
What I wanted to comment on was that there was a time for me, about 4 months after D-Day, where I was in such despair I started to feel... I don't know how to describe it. Like I "broke through" into something much darker. I could still feel the pain of it, but I started having thoughts about how great if would be if I could just end my life.
I didn't want to do anything spectacular. I wasn't thinking about driving into the OM's house at top speed. I wasn't thinking about trying to make some huge statement about infidelity and scarring my wife and children. I was actually thinking that my wife would probably be so much happier now, she could get all this insurance money and she could finally just go be with this other guy instead of staying with me and trying to struggle through this.
On a vacation trip with my wife to 'reconnect', I was standing on the streets of Atlanta, watching the MARTA buses go by, and I have to say that I was literally visualizing what it would be like and how fast it would be over if I "accidentally slipped" and just let it cream me. Would I feel anything? My wife was with me and was asking if I was OK several times, what was wrong, ... I did eventually tell her after we returned home. She broke down crying and apologized a million times and begged me to get help.
I did.
What you are feeling is going to seem truly unbearable. I am 2 years out and my anti-versary is coming up within two weeks. I am nowhere near consumed with this as I was back then, but I'm also not ashamed to admit that I still hurt sometimes, and yes, although I fought it, I took some anti-depressants and I found that they DID help me for several months to get my head straight.
If you are truly feeling that low, please, please seek assistance. If talking on SI doesn't help, try talking/crying with a friend or family member. If you haven't found a therapist yet, try and find one. In the end, just because someone did something incredibly shitty to you doesn't mean that *YOU* are unworthy or that *YOU* are the problem, even though I know you feel that way (I did, at first).
I am so, so very sorry for what you are going through.
I went on Prozac from something like October of 2012 until around March of 2013. I will tell you very quickly of my experience. Not to deter you, but I want you to know what you are getting yourself into... and yes, I know medication affects everyone differently, but...
I started very small, like 10mg. I was on this dose for 2 weeks, and I basically felt nothing. I felt worse, actually. It was upped to 20mg for about a week. Still, I was feeling ready to jump. I called my doctor, nearly in tears, begging for some relief because it just wasn't working. He upped the dosage to 40mg, and that's when the fun started.
On Prozac, I was constantly in a semi-state of consciousness, even when I was "sleeping". I say, "sleeping", because I pretty much kissed that goodbye. No matter what I did, I would try to fall asleep at 10pm, then I would wake up at 1am, 2am, 3am, 5am, etc. The doctor recommended taking Melatonin to help me sleep, so I started with 1 pill, then 2 pills, 3 pills, finally I took 4 pills one night (I think that was something like 12mg?) and when I woke up at 1am, I was in such a state of exhaustion, it was almost like sleep paralysis. I was conscious, I could think, I could *barely* open my eyes, but my body was so lethargic I couldn't really move. I stopped talking the Melatonin after that.
When I finally stopped talking Prozac, it literally took at least a month before I could get 6 hours of solid sleep and I nearly wept when I saw how much I slept the previous night.
Now, for the good stuff.
I had bad dreams after D-Day that seemed uncontrollable. Randomly in these dreams I would find my wife kissing strange men, I would find her having sex, I would be going through emails and finding her saying all of these horrible things about me. It was all fantasy but I was constantly a wreck over it. The very first night I was at 40mg, I started to have a bad dream, but in my dream, I got ANGRY, and I was like, "SELF, STOP THIS." And it did. From that moment I could control some of these bad dreams, it was almost like I could just stop the dream, and for lack of a better analogy, pick up the needle on the record and just put it somewhere else so I could dream of something else.
Also, I would have these uncontrollable thoughts. One bad thought would lead to another. What happens if he contacts her again. She is going to leave me. She is going to call him and leave me. Why did this happen to me? I was a good husband mostly. Well, I did do this one thing about 6 years ago. Holy crap, why did I do that. Why did I say that. I am such a piece of shit. Is he better than me in bed? Is that it? I have been asking her for years to talk openly about sex but she never does. Did I pressure her to much? Am I not big enough? Does she not like the way I kiss?
Thoughts like that - it would be uncontrollable for hours on end and I would totally lose myself in it. I would be at work and one minute it would be 9:15am and I'd see the office reminder come up to tell me I had a meeting I had to dial into at 9:30am, and then I'd get all caught up in myself and the next time I'd look at the clock it was 10:08. Prozac helped me stop this.
Honestly if I didn't have the problems with sleep, I'd have taken it for much longer because I felt it was very helpful for me to stop getting caught in thought patterns like that. Yes, sometimes I was numb to the world but at times like that, frankly, you NEED to be numb and alcohol is definitely not the answer. I recall when I came off the Prozac and my doctor was asking me to basically give some feedback on it, I described Prozac as, "Poison being the cure."
I wish you good luck and I hope you don't experience the sleep problems because they are just absolutely the worst.
I guess this wasn't "very quickly" after all. Heh.
We're all here pulling for you April. Hang on! This will pass in time.
The shitty part is, he was never happy with me, I wasnt meant to be his.
You are just fine as the person you are. You are not hopeless. Life is not hopeless. You are compassionate, understanding, vital, you give and receive love, you are loyal, faithful, honest and decent. You have values and boundaries. You think of others and you care about others. There is nothing wrong with you. And you will be happy again. All you need is time to heal. And to let people help you do that. And then you will look at you son and know that something good has come out of this.
From MassOCH:
just because someone did something incredibly shitty to you doesn't mean that *YOU* are unworthy or that *YOU* are the problem, even though I know you feel that way (I did, at first).
You've got me really concerned for you! Have you considered calling a suicide prevention hotline?
I know what's it like to be in so much pain you'd rather die. I've been there, and somehow I survived, and I'm glad I did.
I really don't know what to say. I know people that tried to kill themself. Someone close to me tried to jump out of the moving car I was driving, but luckily I stopped them. I don't know if me telling about it would have any effect on you...
But I want you to know we're listening and we're all hoping you make through this.
And please, when you get suicidal, start screaming, shouting, get angry at the sonofabeeetch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's the piece of scum who's balls should be deep-fried and fed to him! Get angry, get angry, get angry! Anger gives us strenght, and depression is suppresed anger, turned inwards. SO get angry, loudly, at him!
[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 8:43 AM, June 6th (Friday)]
I had such a harsh reaction to the "...he told her he would be with her if she would abort her baby..."
I dont know how I missed that little gem when I first read through all your posts. Ug First of all what kind of CREEP bribes a pregnant woman to end her pregnancy in order to KEEP HIM?!?!?!
And what kind of deranged, obsessed, insecure little twit continues to believe he is a fricking HERO!!!!!!!
I think this action belongs in the Wayward Creep's Hall of Shame!
A gag factor of 10!
[This message edited by angerisme at 8:51 AM, June 6th (Friday)]
your road is your road and all i can offer is hugs and encouragement for what you already know
the view from the top of a hill is always better than down in a hole - so you're pacing yourself just fine for this marathon - hang in there
you have every right to demand psychological testing of your STBXH and if you need to claim you are worried he/the OW household abuses drugs, alcohol - whatever (what do you really know at this point?) - I wouldn't suggest being so noble about the whole blended family mess.
Honestly take very cautious steps and get legal advice.
You have every right to protect your child and yourself from harm = there is no connection between visitation and CS. I would frankly wager he's not going to be paying you CS and take that as a very good thing if he leaves you alone
it may feel like you lost, but all you lost was a loser sociopath who causes nothing but pain = I say that's a good thing to lose
You really do only want to be "alone" (as in not traumatized by tied to him and drama) to focus on being your best self and to be the best mom = honestly = I would suggest you be supremely careful about any long term involvement
I am now dealing with my WH's trauma bond mess that really factors in very heavily with our M's interaction with co-parenting with a very toxic ex.
I put my needs aside "for the sake of the kids" yadda yadda and just after we go NC and switch custody after 6 years of court crap and I think I am celebrating with our agreement to have a third child... he puts in a CL ad and now I have an OC mess that creates a half sib same age as my son
IF we survive, it will only be because we move the heck away and are completely NC. Don't care about being called selfish. The OW should be glad for being left alone with her fantasy about what a "wonderful" guy that never existed. He lied to her for 5 years about leaving his family for her... she's mega stupido in my book to hang like a vulture in the shadows. I absolutely do not want my children exposed to anything that toxic. When they are adults, we'll have had plenty of conversations... the future is the future and I am leaving that in the "godbox" as I call it.
But my children's safety is paramount. I am not going to sacrifice them on the alter of social mores wanting all of us sitting around a campfire singing "kumb-a-ya". These children are not "all equal". I have every right to raise my children to understand how truly wonderful and unique they are and they have every right to revel in that special-ness.
Anyhow, sure you will have plenty of IC to figure out the best course of action. Just really do not sugar-coat or put back on those rose-colored glasses that created 10 years spent with a liar
all the best
WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!
married 17 years
3 kids
Life seems so hopeless at times, and in my heart I know I was never the problem, it was always him, I fucking wish he would have had the balls to tell me, because I would have respected that much more than how this came about.
I wont hurt myself, it would just be easier sometimes if I wasnt alive, thats how bad the pain hurts, but I need to be around for my child. Everytime I get suicidal I try my best to switch it to anger, and today it worked!! I hate him!
He is a sick human, he wanted me to abort mine because he didnt want it either, but since I was his wife, he had no fucking choice! He is so fucking manipulative, and I am sure that that is where OW anger came from when she sent me the letter, she realized he was lying
but whatever, they both suck. The puking faces are awesome! I want to do that on him. Lol.
He passed all the tests in the PD, so they will say that he is sane (so my lawyers said), from what I know, she has a great job, and is pretty straight (well, as far as vices go). He will have to pay CS because of his profession, he will definitely not want that on his record as a police office, he is quite the noble cop
I am so thankful this happened now, but its still so hurtful, and I wish I could turn off the love for him.
I have looked back at our years together, and all they are now is shit covered glasses
You can request it and given the nature of the long term deception/ affair mess I highly recommend having someone who compartmentalizes that well tested = that's downright the same slope a serial killer is on.
sure a killer can stuff more crap in their box = but it's the same foul coping mechanism. While your WH may perform well at work, that's not what matters in how he interacts with a child = especially since he wanted them all aborted.
again, I totally get the roller coaster-y-ness of this mess and agree with just take it one day at a time, but really I hope to just encourage a sense of caution with piecing together this puzzle.
So glad to hear that!
How are you doing today?
But you are sounding better, April. Your DS will be showing a little of his personality now. Little bits of a genuine smile and starting to close his fingers round things. Facially responding to your voice and face. Little noises in response to talking to him. A focus for you. Therapy. Healing.
Little by little, day by day, week by week. It will get better. There will be the first really good day. and then you will know you are truly on the road to recovery.
I just wanted to tell you that you will not be sad like this forever. You won't.
Yes, this infidelity ride is scary, rocky and creaky but it does eventually come to a halt. Before you know it, you will be on solid ground again.
It does get better. Just continue to get up, love your new baby and concentrate on your life.
I know this sounds hollow to you right now, but it's the truth. You have a tremendous advantage that many don't, because you are able to financially support yourself and your child.
That is HUGE.
Keep moving and continue to move forward. You can do this, honestly you can.
It'll get better. I'm almost a year out. I still have some hard days but I mostly have good ones.
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
Yes, the mornings were the worst for me, especially if I had normal, "old" dreams...
Have you considered anti-deppresants or sedatives? I've just started and after a rough transition period, they helped a lot.
[This message edited by HobbesTheTiger at 9:50 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]
I'm glad you're on antideppresants and I hope they'll kick in soon. I've just started taking them recently and up till yesterday there were lots of side-effects, especially fatigue etc., so I'm waiting for them to kick in as well.
May I ask what have you been doing to pamper yourself, to relax, to exercise and get frustrations out of you? Maybe we can help you come up with a list of things that could make you feel at least temporarily better.
Best wishes
I'm glad you're not drinking, that was a big problem for me. And I totally understand the driving, there was something comforting about that for me, though in hindsight I was probably something of a liability on the road at the time, so be careful about that.
Glad to hear you've been an avid runner, I hope you re-start soon, it will help immensely!
Best wishes
Don't really know what to say, just wanted to let you know you've been heard and that I strongly empathize and sympathize with you.
One thing though - have you thought about:
1. getting a few 1st (free) visits at some other attorneys, to see what they think?
2. reviewing what the word on the street is about your attorney, how good is he/she?
3. checking whether to see if there are some really good (female) attorneys that fight and take an interest in their clients and are like momma bears, fierce, good and protective? maybe you could switch lawyers and get your retainer back and get a "shark"/momma bear lawyer?
I find it funny and, from the European law perspective, weird that such a woman, who is clearly a source of a danger of parental alienation, would be permitted to have contact with your child?! And yes, "engaged", while he's still married to you?!
FFS. Anyway, as always, SI is here for you!
I don't think he's offering you anything. Half the house and half the present value of the pension. Talk to your lawyer about this and never verbally agree to any of his offers so he won't be able,to complain that you can't make up your mind. Just tell him I will discuss it with my attorney. And well get back to you.
Pensions are either cash value (401k types) or on some instances a defined benefit plan which pays certain amounts at a certain age . It's easy to figure out what one half of a 401K is worth, less easy with a defined benefit plan. But that's why you have counsel.
[This message edited by BreatheAgain10 at 4:37 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]
You will feel better than you do right now, I promise that. It may seem like you're stuck in a dark tunnel right now, but you will come to the end of it, and be in a much better place.
Not wanting to add further to your trouble, but, have you had some sort of legally enforceable temporary custody agreement drawn up?
This man is such a master manipulator, I personally wouldn't trust him with the family cat, let alone your son.
If not, do so. I'd hate to read that he's taken your son for a "visit" and decided to keep him, especially if he is aware of your current and fully understandable, fragile state. He could claim that you are unable to care for him right now, hence the reason he's not with you.
Just my thoughts on reading of his actions to date, I could be completely wrong.
As for your lawyer, my dear girl, considering who it is your up against, you need a true pit-bull, a shark, someone who takes no prisoners.
The OW, she's nothing, she was only ever something on the side while he married you, he is a monster. Their life will implode, it has only ever been based on what they couldn't have, and now that they can, well, the thrill will wear off quick smart. One could almost pity her in any other situation, that she should feel that the right thing to do is stay with a man who has demanded her abort her babies.... and he'd do this same this time, if they were still hiding their messed up connection, I can't even bring myself to call it a relationship.
You're truly better off out of it, they deserve each other, I'm just so very sorry that it has come with so much pain for you.
Hugs honey, lots and lots of hugs.
His shitty cowardly behavior is a reflection of him. If he blames one ounce of his bullshit on you, he truly is an all time loser.
She can have your crumbs. You don't need him.
Lean back into the support of your loving safety net and work hard hard hard at not letting your horrible WH or his soulless girlfriend have any headspace.
You might want to read Susan Elliott's Getting Past Your Breakup. Early on, when all I could do was shiver and projectile vomit, I clutched that book like a lifeline. Really, some mornings it wake holding to my chest. It is the perfect read when you can hardly breathe.
Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe
They may or may not work out in the long run, he may or may not pick up your son as agreed on in the long run... SO,,, just stay in the day.
In exchange for me giving 50/50, he is willing to buy me out of the house (as long as I do not touch his pension). I have NO clue what to do, and this nightmare is becoming more and more like a fucking neverending saga. The attorney said I cannot put a clause in which prohibits his OW to seeing my kid, as she has no criminal record, has a great job, and it engaged to that dick.
Get the number from his pension and a realtor before you make a decision.
Custody should not be bought. How often has he visited the baby, spent time etc. document document everything. When he called regarding the baby, when he saw the baby, what condition the baby was returned, was his diaper clean, spit up everywhere/ diaper rash.
You CAN put in a morality clause in your decree. He will likely ignore it as your son is so young. I would add it anyway. If this marriage ends, you don't want your son being exposed to his revolving bedroom door. Be aware that any clause in your decree, you will also have to abide by.
Also any funds he spent on her while married to you are 1/2 yours including the ring she is wearing. Ask in your discovery about the cost.
Has he bought anything for his son since he left? Keep a record of everything.
My XH wanted to marry ow right after our divorce was final. In Florida there is a waiting period that can be waived. XH wanted it waived. I charged him $1500 cash (I did not trust him enough to take a check) for my signature. They applied for their marriage license the next day.
10 years later, they are still married. They both travel for business with each other.trust issues much. He has no relationship with one DD and hasn't seen our DGD in over a year. Other DDs are in touch, one by text only. Other 2 only when necessary. He has no relationship with his family (sister and parents).
It gets better, even if they stay together, your life will be filled with love, grace, respect and authentic humans who truly care about your well-being and love your son.
He is a speed bump on your road of life. She's the road kill. Keep on driving.
More hugs,
[This message edited by Kajem at 7:56 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]
Hardyards: My lawyers and I are working on the temporary custody agreement, and looks like its going to be every other weekend and one during the week (when he is off). Thankfully he loves his job more than anything, so he would never do anything to sacrifice losing it. I wish I could feel the OW was nothing, but he met her 10 years ago while him and I were broken up (not yet married), and she left him, which is the only reason he married me, but he always wanted her, so it is not a typical OW storyI wish it was!
Dmari: I am loling at the ball-less sack of shit. I have heard some great monikers to define him. He better not even try to blame ANYTHING on me, I will kill him.
Self: Thank you so much, and I will completely look into that book. If it worked wonders for you, I will definitely have to give it a whirl. Thank you for the suggestion.
Homewrecked: I think he defines sociopath
but I think even that would give him too much credit.
Kajem: He has agreed to not do 50/50. I will still not touch his pension though. I dont want it AT ALL. Everytime he has seen the baby, the baby comes back fully clean, happy and well fed. He (fortunately and unfortunately) is doing a great job in that regard. I found out that the ring is actually an heirloom ring, so I cant touch that. I am sorry that your X doesnt have a great relationship with his children. The quickness in which they rush to the alter for another marriage is insanity. Ha! I like your analogy! Thanks for the hugs
I am big on fathers being involved but I wonder if 50/50 will still be as attractive to him when he has two more newborns to care for.
Sorry ^ I just re- read and saw he agreed not to do 50/50. I was willing to place bets his OW wouldn't be into caring for 3 infants.
I think you are doing great, April. I do feel sort of sad for this OW, her AP who was supposedly in love with her, convinced her to have TWO abortions. She got pregnant again and wanted her babies. She had to out him to you, otherwise she knows he wouldn't have left. Pity a woman who needs a man that badly.
I wonder if you can stay with your parents, and baby. I feed he may try to scoop him if he can prove you are not caring for him.
[This message edited by Girlietoo at 9:40 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
It's all just a mess. Something is honestly telling me that HE is the one that wanted her to out him to me. I couldn't forgive someone who went behind my back like she did, and now they are engaged? It just doesn't make any sense.
Thankfully, I am getting my son back this week full-time, but I will be going back to work shortly, so he will be with my parents at my home.
I am glad he's out of my life, but I just cant grasp how he has moved on so quickly. The thought of being with someone right now terrifies me.
saw them... I saw them out having dinner while I was waiting at the bar for my friend. They didn't see me. They looked incredibly happy
Don't go there. Really, don't. Your WH is about as messed up as any I've seen. He's not a good person -- he's treated the OW like crap for YEARS and she's taken it. In that snap shot in time they may have seemed to happy -- but they aren't - they CAN'T be. Who they are right now, they aren't capable of a really, lasting, healthy, committed relationship. You know this in your head - don't let your heart tell you differently.
(on a personal note - I remember feeling similar re: my XWH and Owife - but it was all BS - which even he admits at this point.)
I couldn't forgive someone who went behind my back like she did, and now they are engaged? It just doesn't make any sense.
It won't make sense. Don't try and ascribe things you would think/feel to the situation, because his thinking - and hers - is seriously disordered. It's not "normal" people thinking - so "normal" people reactions don't apply.
I'm so sorry about the custody. I'm glad he's backed off of the 50/50.
Know that you will be ok, and your child will be Ok. It is horrible and traumatic, but there is light at the end of that tunnel.
It's just hard to believe they wont be happy when he has wanted to be with her for ten years, and only married me because she got married. That's what stings.
Thank god he's backed off with the custody...i can't even think how all of this is going to play out. Only 2 more months left until our court date.
I've read most of your posts about your situation and I feel so badly for you. They may have looked "happy" when you saw them, but the happiness won't last forever. Guarantee you.
The reason is because it sounds like he has some sociopathic traits and she probably does, too. They deserve one another.
My ex is a sociopath, too. I didn't fully realize how "off" he was until D day. I got out of that marriage immediately. He remarried and at first I thought of how unfair it was that he should end up happy. But the truth is, people like that are never really happy.
You will be happy one day. It takes a while to get through what you've gone through, but you will one day find yourself wondering what you ever saw in him. Big hugs!
Get a RO for the whole damn family if you can. Go NC, block them in all avenues.
You say there's nothing wrong with him? The whole family likely has a deep dysfunction because normal families don't act like this. They're just good at the facade.
When it comes to custody the 50/50 likely came from the fact that fathers, even ones earning less than the mothers, are expected to contribute to supporting their child. Usually 50/50 means no CS.
I suggest you get a shark if your current lawyer isn't fighting for you and your son. You have proof this man entered into the M fraudulently. He should be leaving with no more than he came in with. You have proof that he wanted your son aborted, that he has said he doesn't want your son. Use that. I know you're trying to be fair but you can't be. Not when it comes to your child. What if he M OW and they decide that 50/50 works because stepmom can watch your son while he's in work?
Your son needs to know he's got someone who has his back. At most he has an ambivalent father. You are more than capable to make up for the deficit. They may "only" have adultery but they are unstable. Well adjusted people don't do this. There's a reason fairy tales end after the wedding. When the drama fades and the stress sets in, they will look for their fix. You and your DS don't want to be in their sites.
Use the information you have, the proof that he entered the M fraudulently. That he didn't want your DS. Protect yourself and your baby. You've been assuming a lot about the OW because of the manipulating your STBXWH did. The fact is, she chose this. She knew about you and your baby and still chose to cheat. To be a WW and an OW. Three pregnancies in 10yrs? "Accidental" I'm sure...typical OW manipulating. When it didn't work, she outed the A. She knew you better than your STBXWH did. She knew you don't need him.
Because you would feel bad about the abortions, you put that on her. Don't. None of her actions show that, even if her words did. People like her use pregnancies as a manipulation tool. She is a perfect fit for your worm of a STBXWH.
Take the pain and use it to fight. You need to look ahead, even further than 18yrs, and make sure your DS is predominately in a stable home rather than with those two.
What does everyone think of the annulment route? Would it make my child illegitimate? That is something I don't want. But that would only be in the eyes of the court, not in my heart. Please help
I'm really sorry you are dealing with this trauma at a time in your life that should be so special. Use the hurt, pain, anger, and whatever else you are feeling to propel yourself forward to the life you deserve.
As far as an annulment, it sounds like you have a good case.
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.
― Ernest Hemingway
The reality is in the little bubble of time that your son came into being, for YOU it was a situation of a loving (if troubled) M. No M, annulment or D will change that.
Go mama bear. Make your choices based on what is best for your DS. Not what you should do based on others, on any soft feelings...now is not the time to be sentimental. You need to provide for your son, regardless of your income. You never know what the future holds. And you need to limit his interactions with these two people who have at the least NPD tendencies and at the worst sociopathic.
Don't let him use your son to feed his ego the way he used you. He's an emotional vampire, sucking from others to fill his emptiness.
I really dont think i have achieved the level of anger that I should have... where is it??
I am back to work full-time, which is great! I decided I will take the remaining months of my maternity later in the year maybe when I can enjoy my baby more.
He is back with me, and my parents watch him during the day. I think I am finally able to enjoy him.
When the asshole wants to see him, he will go through my sister and do it that way. But im pretty much still depressed as all hell
Sounds like a good decision to go back to work. A little structure and forced focus can be a very good thing.
Please take good care of yourself. Glad your parents can help out so much. Keep healing. You will be okay!
It's smart to have your sister as a go between so you don't have to see that asshat. Your family sounds like a great support for you.
I think about you often and always wonder how you are doing. I know it's been said before but it takes time. I wish there was some magical way that the pain could go away but there isn't. You will get there though, I promise. Sending you strength.(((April)))
Theroadahead: I am excited that I can take my maternity leave later, so I will probably do it around the holidays. I am surprised that my sister is able to see him, but she is a Principal so she is used to dealing with children. Thank you for your thoughts. I wish I could take a pill to make this all go away. I know I am going to have to see him soon, and I already have anxiety about that.