text:
I know you can't make this stuff up right?
After catching them in the act, he admitted he has been fooling around with other women for years.
I have been married for almost 18 years and we have 2 kids.
I REALLY thought I was in that one relationship where the husband does not cheat.
I feel so very stupid and so betrayed.
I consider myself a very smart woman. I started a company from the ground up when I was 26 and it is very successful. We have plenty of money and 3 homes. I can easily tell him to move out but I am seriously worried about my kids. My son is a junior in high school and worships his Father and I worry this will affect how he does in school and sports.
I seriously cannot believe I am in this position and can't even call my best friend to talk about it.
BS: me 42
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
take time to think. you probably need to walk away from him. 2 kids need protection and no mom deserves to be disrespected like that
for the record, my bf was making out and fondling my ex husbands junk ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT. I should have ripped up the marriage papers right then and walked away. I excused it and thus another 5 yrs of hell insued. I was blinded by love and he will get betters. NO, he never did
[This message edited by lifestoshort at 12:32 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
I actually told my son this morning that his Dad admitted to sleeping with other women and we were probably getting divorced and then he cried so hard I went back 2 hours later and lied to him and told him his Dad said that because he was drunk last night and was just trying to get me riled up and it really did not happen.
Sadly, I think he bought it. I don't want to lie to my kids but I don't want to hurt them either.
I can't imaging living in this house with this man I thought I knew.
If he has done it multiple times before I know he will do it again.
My world came crashing down less than 12 hours ago. What do I do today?
Take a look in the upper left corner at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Look for posts on this forum that have bulls-eyes next to them (in the first couple of pages). Keep on reading. This is a good information that you need and it''s written by people who have BTDT.
Frankly, I would tell you WH to leave, at least for the weekend. He was screwing around with your "BF" while her husband watched, in your house for you OR your children to walk into. The word disrespectful doesn''t do this justice. Criminally hateful comes closer.
Please come back often for support. We are all here for you. (((more hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
[This message edited by RyanCL at 1:03 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
I feel like I should be so angry right now but I just feel numb and nauseous.
Generally, along with making no major decisions for 6-12 months after the A, I'd also tell few people. That's not to say I think your WH's sins should be secret; I simply think you need to be in a better place, rationally, before you act in an irreversible manner. You can choose to not follow through with divorce proceedings once you've initiated; you can't take back telling people once you've told them. That goes for your children.
You need to be honest with your son. He'll be watching you now and you won't be able to fool him. It'd have been hard before but will be next-to-impossible now. Give him the bare minimum. Tell him you'll share more, in an age-appropriate manner, once you have a handle on things yourself. He needs to know that one of his parents is incapable of lying to him. He needs to know that your changing the story (lying about his dad NOT having an affair) was a one-time aberration because you were in such pain viewing his. He needs to know that while everything may not work out painlessly, they WILL work out and you (and your WH) DO love him. He needs to understand that there will be some changes at home (your WH moving out of the house or the master bedroom), your break with your former best friend, your moodiness, your increased time on the computer (researching and coming here), etc.
Another bit of advice? Find someone you CAN share with: a sister, an ecclesiastical leader, a therapist, a co-worker/friend. Bottling this up may kill (exaggeration) you. I kept it inside for a month and thought I'd lose my mind pretending to the world that all was well. A journal (password protected) may really help you, too. Mine has A tidbits, my vents, my rages, my tears, proof, photos (of the prostitute and of the OW), etc. and I don't have to worry about my kids or WH finding it.
Also, please take care of yourself. Go to the doctor for STD testing--the whole gamut. Eat, drink, breathe, sleep.
Schedule nice things for yourself: mani/pedis, massages, a shopping spree, a new haircut, a trip with or without your kids, a good book, bubble baths--whatever you consider an indulgence. It's time for that because you have to REconvince yourself that you have worth. Intellectually, you may know that, but emotionally, you've been dealt a shocking blow.
Be gentle to yourself. Don't beat yourself up for missing red flags or for not seeing them at all. You trusted because you are trustworthy. That's actually a very healthy trait. Don't believe any of his potential blameshifting. Don't believe popular culture's finger-pointing, either. You are pretty/skinny/smart/loving enough to be cherished and protected by your mate. Whatever your imperfections, you are worth fidelity. Every spouse is. In every marriage. It's NOT your fault. None of it. Not one, single, broken, cheating thought in your WH's mind is attributable to you. You are amazing!
I've been reading threads on this website for months. Check out the Healing Library for starters. Check out the abbreviations as I had a bit of trouble following at first myself. I'm sure you will be getting lots of posts with those abbreviations.
I personally have not been through a situation with my spouse so I will leave that advice to others. My concern is for your 2 children and your son who you've now spoken with. I won't go into all the details of my background, you can see them in my profile if you choose, but I am a product of a toxic environment from my mother's affairs. But my story may be a bit extreme.
First I can relate to your nerves. I posted my profile yesterday and I shook the entire time. When your heart is pounding, your mind is racing, and you feel like getting physically ill from all those nerves, probably not a good time to discuss the situation with the kids. Especially since you don't know what is going to happen yet.
You just found out so it's understandable you are going to be a mess and you are now hopping on a really sh1tty roller coaster ride. Take a deep breath every so often if you need to. Physically say out loud to yourself "I'm going to be ok" if you need to. I did that once myself during a very dark time and it helped. Even if just a little.
Leave your son be for now. You are in no frame of mind to have any sort of logical discussion with him at this point. You don't want to keep giving him updates on where your head may be at. You are going to have to tell him the truth eventually, but until you know for sure what that is, don't start planting the D word just yet. Or any other words for that matter.
Later when you are thinking more rationally, either you or both you and your husband will have to tell your kids that you and your husband are going to have some challenges working through some grown up stuff. Don't give any of the details. Keep it simplistic and bare boned. You want to engage your kids and keep them updated through the process and let them know that you will keep them updated. No secrets. No lies. NO DETAILS! Don't give them an update every hour or even daily. Keep them in the loop on a simplistic level when warranted. And I cannot stress this enough...ENGAGE them when you talk to them. Ask them what they are thinking. Ask them what they have heard going on between you and their father. Ask them if any of their friend's parents have had issues as an ice breaker. Ask them what they think about things. Don't talk at them. You would be surprised at what children hear when they are in the house with you which is why both you and your husband will need to be careful around them. What ever you do never thrust your kids into the sh1t no matter how bad things get. Always take the high road. Trust me, they will remember that later in life.
There are a lot of people that are here for you iamsoblind42. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Im shocked at how selfish and cruel OWH and OW are being.
No..you don't have to care about her.
Im so sorry.
I read in another thread that they didn't stop having sex when you walked in. Im so sorry. Im not sure how I would be able to R with a man who not "only" got caught red handed...but continues to have sex with her.
[This message edited by confused615 at 5:02 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Do you have any other support system in place? Any family that you could communicate with. Clearly in this case she is not a "friend". Take the high road and ask them to stop all communication with you until further notice and that you are taking care of yourself. This will get you some time to get your head straight. You shouldn't deal with their drama in addition to your own at the moment.
Something tells me that as you work through this you are going to have questions for them about what has been going on or what else has been going on. Until you are ready for that, go dark with them. When the time is right you can ask them for a full disclosure.
Clearly these "friends" are not on your team.
Anyone else have any thoughts on this?
I was engaged twice before marrying my husband and both relationships ended in infidelity.
When I met my husband I was still really broken and part of me felt like I was settling to be with him but I knew he would never hurt me and I never wanted to feel that pain again.
Now here I am and he took my best friend away too. I really love her. We have been friends for almost 10 years and she is really the only person I want to talk to right now but I can't!!!
I also feel like my son is going to hate me.
I am so sorry I said anything to him this morning. I just wasn't prepared when he asked my why Dad was in the guest room and it just blurted out and now I feel doubly guilt for following up the truth with a lie.
Why do I feel like I am the one that did something wrong?
I don't even know if my husband actually feels any remorse because I can't bring myself to look at him let alone talk to him. I know him and he will try to blame it on me and I can't handle that.
I had surgery a couple months ago and then got an infection and almost died and am still recovering so we have not had sex in months. I am sure he will use that or that I am not "loving" enough as his excuses.
To be honest, I don't know if I am in love with my husband, not sure I ever have been but I loved him and I loved my life. He was my other best friend.
I have been telling myself for years the lack of passion in our relationship was made up for by having a great husband who would never cheat on me and a wonderful father. Now I know why there has been such a lack of passion, because he has been getting it on the side for years. In all 18 years I have NEVER cheated.
On a side note: I got a cold sore 2 weeks ago and had never had one in my life. I guess a trip to the doctor AGAIN will be in order.
This SUCKS so bad!!!
First off I just saw in the thread that they continued to have sex after you found them. That's just EVIL!! There are many pieces of info on here about having remorse and being remorseful. That is soooo far the opposite side of the spectrum. I feel for you on that one.
As far as your son goes, no damage yet. He wont hate you. There may be some anger towards both of you at first. Stay the course with him, engage him with what he is thinking, and always take the high road no matter how difficult. Later in life he will appreciate that. Remember keep the conversations on his level and don't overwhelm him but wait just a bit until you can have clear thoughts to do so. If he asks you a question answer it truthfully or if your not sure how to answer, buy yourself some time and let him know that you will get back to him shortly and then do it. You keep working with him in this hard time on his level, I guarantee he won't hate you.
As for the rest of it, I can understand how you want to start to put some of the responsibility on yourself. Its somewhat natural to do so. BUT DON'T!!! None of this is your fault regardless of how your sex life is/was. And that has nothing to do with your so called "friend".
My wife has had medical issues of the female variety and we went through a period of not having sex for 5 months. I NEVER ONCE thought about going somewhere else for any sort of relations. Thought never even occurred to me. I love my wife. More so I love my family and could never do that. I was unhappy and we worked through it. I approached my wife about being unhappy with our sexual relationship and we worked through it. In today's day and age, let me tell you there are so many fun things you can do in a medical situation that does not require him to go to an Ow. First hand experience on that one. The appropriate response would to have been to come to you to talk about it first. That would have been the appropriate response not F'ing your bf or any Ow. So don't you for one second out that on yourself. And remind him of that later.
Judging by what you said about your husband, I'm not sure if you need a 180 or not. There is info here on that and I've read several people hear mention that they wish they could have started it on DDay. Look it up on the boards. It sounds very hard to do, but will help you be strong in dealing with your WH.
I know it's hard to see through the pain right now. We are here to remind you that NONE of this is your fault!!! ZERO!! You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
Not that it makes it any better, but my husband and best friend did not know at first that I saw them. Her husband saw me. I quickly turned around and walked out. I assume he told them after.
Today, her husband is texting me that they did not have sex. My husband was going down on her when I saw them. To me that is still a sex act and even more personal than traditional.
I should be livid over last night but honestly the things that make it where I can't sleep is thinking about all the other women. He said there were several over the years. When did it start? When was the last one? Did he love any of them. Thinking about all those and not knowing the details is killing me.
At least I know exactly what happened last night.
I did read the 180 and think I am actually doing that without knowing what it was. I will read through it again.
I hope whatever pain you have gone though is getting better. I am sad there are so many posts here.
It really is so helpful to get responses so please keep them coming. I swear it is the only thing keeping me from screaming right now.
We do not have any kids, and I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. That is where my thoughts would lay too.
I just wanted to post to let you know, that there is someone else out there, completely lost, and trying to make sense of everything this very moment. You are very strong, and you WILL find the right answers. If anything, we're all here to keep each other sane and not make decisions in the heat of the moment.
Take care of yourself first. That's the theme I keep coming back to from this forum, my therapist, and my own thoughts. But it's hard. But it is the only way we'll get things under control. Stay strong. I will be up all night reading this forum, and you will be in my thoughts.
[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 9:21 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]
My best friend's husband keeps texting me telling me I need to call his wife and let her help me because she is so "wrecked".
That's like having your executioner console you before your head gets chopped off.
So many of the comments I hear from my WS is essentially "ME ME ME ME ME!!".
I truly am sorry for what you're going through. I too wake up every morning and it's the 1st thing I think of. Then I just cannot get my head around the fact that this is happening, and it's happening to my family at the hands of somebody who swore for years it would never happen.
Honestly there are so many people in their early 40's that I wonder if it's more prevalent amongst that age group.
Do you have thoughts on how you want to move forward in the coming week? Maybe make yourself a checklist to concentrate on? Schedule STD test. Schedule independent counseling session. Find a divorce lawyer (not that you have to do anything yet but will send a message that you are serious). Get list of questions together that you want answered about OW. Block email, texts from friend and her husband. Get list of questions together for friend and her husband (was that really their first time - trust is gone from all offending parties here I assume). How do you want to handle immediate and short term living conditions? Etc etc etc. will give you something to focus on other than the pain.
Focus on what you want to do. Not what any of the offending parties want you to do. And most of all take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.
Took shower till all the hot water ran out and drank a glass if water. Am hungry but can't eat. I tried.
Confronted WH with questions. Claims last night was a drunken stupor and that it was the first time with my friend.
Says there were 2 other times 7 years ago when we almost got divorced over his financial infidelity.
I don't believe those we the only other times.
Keeps telling me how sorry his is.
I asked him what he was most worried about and he said losing me, our family and dying old and alone. The last part tells me it's still all about him.
I am so mad at myself for not divorcing him 7 years ago. Feel like I have wasted the last 7 years. Now instead of being 35, I'm 42 and before my kids were young enough not to have been as deeply wounded as they will be today.
I am allowing myself to wallow in self pity today only. Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL NOT lay in bed and cry all day.
Again, thanks to all that have been responding. I do not have anyone I can talk to about this and you are truly saving my sanity.
He is in the guest room.
He will tell or son (sparing gory details tomorrow). We will not tell our daughter as she is too young to understand (11).
I will find a counselor for me.
Not sure I can stomach the thought of STD testing right now.
I will get out of bed everyday, shower and exercise. Will drink water and try my best to eat something.
I will not blame myself anymore!
Soo so so so so so sosoosososo sorry that you are facing this horror!!
and it is a horror.
you asked what do you do today?
move slow. take care of your basic needs. try to find someone you can confide in; it's a lot to bring to someone and I kept quiet for a long time and I wish i had someone to go to.
If can go into "crisis" mode you can run on adrenaline by taking care of the things like doctor's visits, appt with attorney to get info, etc.
My WS also has YEARS of financial infidelity and I am mad at myself for not leaving when that was all starting to become clear that it was not a short term problem. I was in my late 30s then, now i'm in my late 40s and yes, i feel the wasted years too.
Sounds like it is all about him. I don't know how long it will take you to process that, but when you do you can free yourself. Based on my experience there is no hope with all about him people unless you want to be a doormat.
and you're not blind. they are good at lying and manipulating
sorry i'm not more clear, i am so tired and drained but felt so terribly reading your post that wanted to at least reach our to you even if I couldn't give it my best as my brain is fried.
sorry sorry sorry
you will survive and thrive! PROMISE.
Not today, but one day, sooner than later.
Please keep me posted of how your are handling your situation.
So sad there are so many people hurting like me.
Although my situation is different (remorseful wife had one night stand three days ago and then immediately told me), I can totally relate to how you feel.
RE the Jerry Springer/thought my parter was different stuff, I also basically can't believe that this ridiculous stuff is happening to us, and her having sex while drunk in a hotel with a colleague seems like something that would happen in a sh1t soap opera, not to us. Even she has acknowledged how embarrassing and ridiculous it all is, and used the word 'cliche' to sum it up.
Don't want to use your problems to vent mine, but as everyone has been so nice to me, I wanted to try and help someone else - and the only way I feel I have of doing that is to share what has happened to us and how it has made me feel. Good luck with it, I hope you feel better soon.
Second, kids aren't stupid. You can say that you are having marital problems and as soon as you know what is happening, you will answer all of their questions. I sent mine away for the weekends after D-day so I could have a mental break and they could go have fun. Or tell them when you calm down, you will talk to them. Answer honestly and simply. If they say, "Are you getting a D??" Answer, "I don't know yet."
Third. Call a therapist (IC here, Individual Counselor) for an appointment so you have someone safe to talk to.
Fourth. Lawyer up. You don't have to retain a L, you just need to know what your options are.
Fifth. Breathe.
Sixth. Do not allow ANY of them to "gaslight" you. That means they will downplay what you saw. Absolutely it is cheating. Don't talk to any of them right now as they are all in "cover" mode.
I know you feel stupid, but don't. If someone wants to lie to you, there is nothing you can do to change that. This is ALL on him. Do you have family to turn to? I did in the beginning, but my IC is really the person I turn to for emotional support.
One day at a time. You will go through a roller coaster of emotions. Perfectly normal. Hang in there!
I like that iamsoblind42! Try and keep it up. If you haven't already your emotions may be turning to anger and possibly rage. I find that anger can be much more productive when it comes to getting your shit together. Focus like a laser on what you need to do for yourself and you will find that you can get through the drama better. Just don't go through your life angry like I have. Use it as a tool for the immediate now and dealing with the bs.
Keep us updated. Was thinking of you today.
I have been stuck in my room now for 2 days because I can't stand the sight if him.
I miss my kids and I should be the one hanging out with them, not him!!!
I took my wedding ring off today. Looking at it makes me want to vomit thinking about all the lies and broken promises.
I am going to sell it and use the money for a nice trip.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:19 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]
We told the kids and he is packing now.
I will get through this....breathe...
If you''re still having problems eating anything, get yourself some whole-nutrition drinks like Ensure. Sip them, a few oz at a time. That will help.
Try to get some rest today and enjoy your children. And then tomorrow, make an appointment with at least one lawyer and find out what your rights are and the likely spousal/child support you will receive. Knowledge is power and that will help you start planning a way forward. And do block that POS OM and his whore of a wife. You own them nothing up to and including spitting on them if they were fire.
I told to him to move out. Can't look at him right now and I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my own home.
We told the kids and he is packing now.
I will get through this....breathe...
You've got guts iamsoblind42. Which means you've probably got a big 'ol heart too. Share that heart with your kids tonight. They are going to be hurting too. They may or may not be running a range of emotions just like you. They could be angry or hurt or any number of things. If the are angry with you, they did just spend most of the day with their dad, don't sweat it. Any and all emotions are natural. You don't have to say much tonight. Let them see the hurt in you and hug them close, tight, and long. Engage them.
My thoughts will be with you and your family tonight. Stay the course. You are one tough lady.
Be there for your kids. One of mine knows more gory details than I would like but it couldn't be avoided. Your son will be hurting and missing his dad - let him have a relationship with him as long as it seems healthy and your son wants it. Your daughter may be just better at hiding her feelings. Set terms of dating too. I personally would not want my kids around the paid women my WH prefers. He will have to do that on the non-visitation days. Also try not to be negative against your WH in front of the kids. It's more negative energy for you and the kids.
See a lawyer sooner than later. This way if he decides "you can't kick him out" and tries to return, you will know your rights. Change the locks if the lawyer says you can.
Eat, drink and take care of yourself. Do you have a good support system around you?
Also, I don't believe for a minute that this is the first time with the BF and her H. Seriously, how would that happen that the very first time it happened with them 1) you caught them in your home, and 2) he was giving her oral sex while her husband watched. Nope, that is something that requires some working up to.
It was happening in your own house? Were you expected to be home? Where were your kids while this was happening? Hammered or not... This is totally unacceptable. I've read a lot of stories on here, and I thought mine was pretty bad... But oh my goodness... I am so sorry that you had to experience something so incredibly traumatic. You are so very strong.
There are many people her who will give you better advice than I can but I wanted you to know you are not alone, many of our WS used our/their homes, my WH had sex with a neighbor in her house and although her BH and son were at work and school respectively they could have come home? It beggars belief! However I am not sure if the BH knew (and agreed to it) all along as he apparently set his computer up to video them... I finally found out through the BH showing me a still photo from the video after they stopped doing it in her house and went to a hotel (he wasn't getting a share of it anymore so decided to expose? crazy? just shows you don't know anyone except yourself)
Good luck on this journey, you are very early on and how you feel today will probably be different next week/month. Just make sure you look after yourself -drink, eat little and often, sleep-especially as you have 2 children who also need you.
I made him leave because I can't look at him and don't want to feel like I should be punished in my own home yet I can't stop checking to see if he had called, emailed, messaged, anything...
I don't want to talk to him yet but I want him to be begging, sobbing and miserable.
Is that normal?
If he is SOOOO sorry and loves me SOOOO much why isn't he showing it?
[This message edited by shatteredapart at 10:45 AM, January 13th (Monday)]
Please know that you WILL survive this! You have come to the right place and you will get lots of good support and advice here.
You are obviously incredibly strong. If you don't feel that way -- know that you are! It takes guts to kick him out for now. It does. Good for you. This is the first best step in letting him know you will not tolerate this behavior or level of disrespect. It took some of us a lot longer to get to that point and believe me, it just extends the trauma and the healing timeline.
You are doing great. I know it doesn't feel like it. But you are. For now, YOUR NEEDS COME FIRST. No one else. You do the best you can for your kids, but concentrate on taking care of YOU. Get some OTC sleep meds or see your doctor for something stronger. Stay hydrated at a minimum and try to eat. Many of us have experienced the infidelity diet. (easiest 20 lbs I ever lost!) Try to exercise, even if it's just walking. Anything for you. See a friend.
Except for your lousy BF. You don't need her in your life right now or possibly ever. But for now, cut off her and her H. What they engaged in doesn't sound like something that "just happens" in a drunken stupor. This sounds like something that was agreed upon and their level of unconcern for you or your kids is disgusting.
You will find that some BSs will be able to empathize with some parts of your story more than other parts. None of our stories are exactly the same. I also have teenagers -- except 2 of them discovered the A 6 months before I did. They saw the texts. They have been traumatized by this and seeing him continue on with his A for many months after my DD confronted him. I don't want to thread jack here, but feel free to PM me if you want specific input on experiences with the kids. My bottom line: They don't need details. Their world is already crushed. Keep things at an age-appropriate level, but don't LIE. You can find an acceptable line between appropriate disclosure and the truth. It took a while for me to tell my 12 year old the reason for our separation. But better that he heard from me than from his siblings or someone else.
You need to show your kids that YOU still have integrity. All their ideas about love, trust, commitment, etc. have been shattered. You need to reassure them that you both love THEM. They are not at fault (may sound silly, but they will blame themselves in some way, just like you will blame yourself -- it is human nature.) It is okay for them to know you are hurting. But also let them know what you are doing to heal yourself. Show them your strength. It will help you find it yourself. It is good for them to know you will not tolerate a H who does not honor his commitments. If he is willing to do the very hard work necessary, then and only then, do you consider those options.
As impossible as it seems (I can attest it is way easier said than done, but very important), try not to obsess over his remorsefulness or lack thereof. (I feel like a hypocrite writing this!) Concentrate on healing you. He will either be remorseful or not, but nothing you do will make it happen. In the meantime, let him work through it. If he comes back groveling and repentant, then think about him and what you want for your future. For now, just make yourself happy and try not to think about him at all. (Try. I know it's very hard. It will help though.)
Sending big hugs. Each day is a struggle and this is a very long journey. You have lots of new friends here who care about you. You are worth much more than the way you've been treated. Never forget that.
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
And your "friend" was never your friend. Friends don't have sex with the other's spouse. Whatever they try to tell you, this wasn't the first time.
Because he isn't sorry that he did it, just sorry that he got caught.
You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.
Breathe, just breathe.
As others wrote, you are courageous and strong..
In the end , things will work out for you and your kids..
As long as you keep an open line of communication with your kids this will help minimize any resentment on their part towards you...With my kids, I didn't give them any more facts or info on their dad's A than I would a coworker who wasn't a confidante..I don't think our kids need to know the same minute details that we would consider telling Mom or a sister if they were our confidantes..
My WH did ultimately decide that he couldn't be kicked out..And our laws in this state are on his side..So until I have my ducks in a row for D, I end up staying away from my WH as much as possible, even though we still live in the same house....It sucks..I am glad that your WH left when you kicked him out..
Sending more strength your way...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:34 PM, January 13th (Monday)]
I said sure, what time will you have her home?
I then followed up with the following...
"This is not going to go away with space and time. If there is any chance and I am not kidding when I say a very very small chance for us there are many things that have to change.
1) This is not my fault. Don't you ever try to blame me.
2) You need IC immediately for A and alcohol.
3) You have no contact with BF and her H, not even a wave.
* our kids play on same sports team and I already know I will have to see them Thursday which is giving me serious anxiety.
4) You get STD tested and give me the results"
What I got back....
"I'll have her home by 4:30"
OMG F****** piece of ***** Aggghhhhhhh!!!!!
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 2:34 PM, January 13th (Monday)]
Is there anyone that can help you with your son on Thu so that you don't have to see them? I know it's a pain in the ass to have to go out of your way to find someone and you shouldn't have to, but you shouldn't have to see them either. Especially not now. It's so not fair that this is happening to both yours and their son too. Neither of them asked for this and they should be allowed to remain friends and see each other. If you can, arrange for someone else to take him or worst case scenario WH...which I know puts him in proximity with them, but IMHO it's worse for you to be near them.
What they engaged in doesn't sound like something that "just happens" in a drunken stupor. This sounds like something that was agreed upon and their level of unconcern for you or your kids is disgusting.
I couldn't agree with Stillstanding1 more. This is a very deliberate act and essentially "assaulted" your family. Continue to remain dark with them if you can. When the time is right for you, let know that they assaulted your family and they can't even begin to understand the lifetime of repercussions that are going to be felt. If it were me, they would be dead to me forever with not a word from me ever again. I played that card with my parent's "friends".
There is excellent advice by everyone here. But ultimately you need to decide what's best for you on all fronts.
Your WH is clearly not remorseful. You said it best previously when you said he is still thinking about himself. That's evident in the text he just sent back to you without even an acknowledgment of your other requests. I hate to say it and I didn't want to say it before, but something stinks here. Alcohol doesn't play that big a part in it. I should know. I obliterated myself for years and never once did it occur to me to put my !@#$ or any other part of me anywhere other than my girlfriend (at the time). I don't want to plant this seed with you if you haven't already had the thought, maybe you have... What else besides the other 2 ONSs is he holding back on? He just got caught. He is still probably hiding other stuff. Is this a TT situation?
He probably doesn't have a clue of the long term damage he's done yet and won't until he starts to take you seriously. Let him know as much if you haven't already.
Continue to be strong. Easier said than done but do it!!! We're all pulling for you!!
Just blasted Destiny's Child I'm a Survivor song and took a hot shower. Feeling a bit better.
What is a TT situation?
Also, where do I find your story. I'd like to try to help you too if I can.
TT is Trickle Truth. Once the WS is caught, it sounds like they rarely come clean with the whole truth at first. Just little pieces and they try not to acknowledge all of the truth. Just a little bit at a time and that's only if they are willing to work through it. Thus trickle truth. I've seen it all over these posts the last few months. If the WS starts to feel remorse or if pressured they can burst like a dam eventually and you get the rest of the details/more shit. Not always though. Many times a lot of info is withheld and sometimes even comes out years later. I think you saw this with the 2 ONS. What else is there? Or maybe there is nothing else. But that is something you need to figure out and decide for yourself if you even want to know.
I don't want to go into my story too much here since this is about you. I'm not even sure I really belong here as my situation is anything but normal. I was encouraged by others to bring my story forward and posted here to just found out with the "Dealing with the affair 25 years later" thread. Everything I have is there. You can also click on the smiley face on someone's post in the upper right corner of their post and it will take you to their profile if you want to see more info on them.
I love them soooooo much!
I too wonder how my WH could have done all this if he really ever thought about his family.
TBH, he is a good Dad, very attentive, very involved, much more so than most men I know which is one of the reasons I love him even after all this hurt.
Can I love him and still leave him? Your post makes me think I absolutely need to get a D.
I don't want them thinking I was too weak and a coward. I don't want to be a broken shell of my former self. I want to be healthy and happy if for no one else but my kids.
I will not talk ill will of my WH.
I am too the product of D. My Mom ran away with me and the OM (our neighbor) in the middle of the night when I was 4 and I did not see my Dad for years. I have not talked to her in years. She too badmouthed my Father and he took the high road. I remember that. To this day, he really does not say anything too bad except that she is bipolar which is true. I have not really ever thought too much about my Mom's betrayal. I always knew my Dad was better off. Just wish she would have left me with him.
I am going to go hug my kids now and tell them again how much I love them.
Sounds like you have a great wife and wonderful kids. My only advice to you is to live each day as you wish your parents would have and instead of beating yourself up too much over the past use it for a positive future. I am sure somewhere up above your brother is looking after you and I am certain he never blamed you.
I really appreciate all the support you have given me over the last couple of days. You truly don't know how much you have helped me.
Back to you...I don't think your kids are scarred yet. Things may not ever be exactly the same as they used to be, but that doesn't mean that their worlds have to turn to absolute S*** as yours just did. No matter what it will be painful but it's up to you and WH to control that pain. Remember to keep engaging them to see what they think and feel. Don't let them "check out" so that 25 years later they are posting nonsense to some stupid website that is "the best club in the world that no body wants to be a part of". Let your kids know what you think and feel as you discuss with them, not a one way conversation. When the time is right down the road maybe discuss things with WH and the kids together to get stuff all out on the table. This is not a good time. Later!! As long as they know that both of you are there for them, you are both honest, and you kep them informed of any major decisions as you go, they will be alright.
Can I love him and still leave him? Your post makes me think I absolutely need to get a D.
I don't want them thinking I was too weak and a coward. I don't want to be a broken shell of my former self. I want to be healthy and happy if for no one else but my kids.
I don't want them thinking I was too weak and a coward. I don't want to be a broken shell of my former self. I want to be healthy and happy if for no one else but my kids.
You already have the right attitude. You will be happy and healthy again someday and if you stay engaged in conversations with them they will never think you were weak any which way you decide to go. Just don't hit them over the head with this mess every day. Let them be kids.
Since the three whoreskateers (sorry I know we are not supposed to name call here but I've been wanting to say that for a while) metaphorically ripped your heart out and made you vomit on it, you don't have to make any immediate decisions about D. Contact an attorney and see what your options are. Those things take a long time anyway and you only just went down the first hill on the roller coaster of S***. Definitely don't base your decisions off my roller coaster of S***. You will feel what to do as this thing plays out. Through this thread though it sounds like you are leaning a certain way already. And if that's what's right for you and you feel more strongly as time goes on, then all the power to you. Who knows, maybe you'll want to R eventually, but a lot has to happen before that can be considered starting with his remorse and working with you to have your needs met.
If WH is a good father then great. That will help on the front with the kids. He's proven himself a S*** husband and he needs to come around on that and fast if he's going to work with you.
I'm guessing that the three whoreskateers really are totally clueless on how much damage they have done. I guarantee you they are not on some website doing research and talking to people with experience on the matter. You need to let WH know what that damage is now and what it could be potentially in the future. That should be a nice slap of reality for him.
Really these are all life choices that unfortunately you have to make. You didn't ask for it, but here you are. Remember that you don't have to jump to any decisions now as you figure things out as you go. I'm sure there are no right and wrong choices, so don't second guess yourself. As I said before you are one tough lady with a big 'ol heart for your kids. So go with that for now.
Have you been working down your checklist? Do you have other questions for WH? What would you like from him in the immediate future? Do yourself a favor, go through those questions briefly. Shut down the computer and go to sleep if you can. Seriously try and get some sleep. Take comfort in that you are not alone. Easier said that done, I know. But at least try and do it. Tomorrow will be the same. I'm going to do that too. Put the computer way and try and watch some tv with the Mrs.
Go to a lawyer and see what your options are.
There may or may not be some legal things you can do with regards to the other couple as well. Restraining order etc.
Found an IC today and meeting with her again tomorrow. Has been good to have someone to offload to as I have zero support and want to stay strong and not cry all the time in front of my kids. IC also works with kids do will make appt for them soon too.
Still have not decided what to do... Is only day 3.
Am sad tonight not just for my kids but thinking how a near death experience last month really had me so appreciating my life and I was really looking forward to being fully healed to work on rekindling passion with my H. I really felt we were in a really good place in our M. I knew I loved my H which has not always been the case. I was so excited for 2014. Friday night before my nightmare began we had actually had one if the passionate kisses we had had in a long time. Was he thinking of my BF during it. Agggggghhhhh....I am seriously torturing myself.
The fact he never responded to my text of requests today, I know now it's over. Honestly I pretty much knew anyway but still felt like ball was in my court and there was that spark of hope. Not having the ball sucks even worse.
IC recommended I try to limit my time in the forum to checking just a few times a day instead if living on it to try to give my mind a break and get some sleep. I guess I will give that a go.
Goodnight and sweet dreams to all of you.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 12:46 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]
I am exhausted. Last night sleep was worse night yet.
The fact that WH never responded to my text just feels like the betrayal just started all over.
Got physically ill last night and worried I am going to end up back in the hospital as I am still recovering from my previous surgery and near death experience from infection. Can't remember if I took my antibiotics yesterday.
Got a bill yesterday from my recent hospitalization where one part if the claim was denied (home nurse) even though it was mandated by hospital but apparently someone did not call to get the preauthorization in time so now I have a huge bill to deal with too. I really can't deal with the added stress right now.
Really want to call my dad and see if he will come help. He lives in another state but worried he will have an excuse why he can't which will break my heart more. I also feel like if I call him it is truly throwing in the towel as I have not told any friends or family (except our kids) yet.
I think kids are still hopeful things will work out and I am somewhere in denial with them.
I think you and the kids need his support..Like yearsofpain25, I feel that your dad won't make excuses not to come....
For you to have the urge to call your dad now, means that he must have been there for you (emotionally) in the past when you needed him..
As long as kids feel that you and your WH have their welfare and best interests at heart, they are gonna learn to live with what has happened between you and your WH and stay engaged with you guys as parents/friends..
My kids love me and my WH in different ways and to my knowledge they enjoy our company.. We no longer spend much time with the kids as a couple, they know that there is no hope of R.. They know that I am planning on leaving as soon as I have my exit plan in place..
When ever I spend time with my grown kids I have nothing on my agenda except enjoying my time with them and making sure that they are okay..
My youngest son and his fiancee express interest in having me stay with their kids during the day while they work...They aren't pregnant with any kiddos yet, but it is extremely touching to know that they would want my daily influence around :-)
And these blessings are still happening in the midst of the shit storm that WH and I are in..
Focus on your/ and children's physical and emotional needs to get thru this storm without a hidden agenda of proving that WH is evil..In the end the kiddo's will adjust to this situation and enjoy / love you both as the unique individuals that you are..
So... messaged my Dad asking him to fly here and that I needed him more than I have ever needed him.
He tried to call me back but I was at the doctor getting STD tested (oh fun)so he called my WH thinking maybe I was back in the hospital (almost died of an infection last month). WH told him he had "f'd" up but did not go into details.
Finally called my Dad back and was crying uncontrollably from doctor's experience. He told me he had spoken to my WH but that he can't come here just now because he has a glaucoma test on Friday. Seriously? Glaucoma test is best excuse?
My Dad has never really been there for me and I am his only child. My Mom ran off with me and OM when I was little and I did not see him for a few years. After that it was a couple weeks each Summer and every other Christmas. He worked for the airlines and is now retired and has free flight benefits but I have simply never been a priority. It has taken me years and being hurt and angry but I do know he loves me, he just loves himself more, a lot more and his dog more. Nothing would keep me away from my kids in this much pain.
Therapist says I contacted him because I reached out to the person that has abandoned me as much as my WH thinking if I could get him to comfort me maybe I could get my WH to do the same. Wow, I think she is really smart. I did not realize I was doing it but that is exactly what I was doing.
Next I am going to see my personal trainer to ask him if he will stop training my XBF (that had oral sex with my WH) as the gym was my sanctuary and I was going there first. I actually talked her into coming. There are no memberships, it's just personal training and never more than 10 people in the gym at any given time. I don't want to have to worry about running into her at my happy place. I know I can't make him and my IC will probably have a reason I am doing this for me on Thursday when I see here again. I just want to be able to take some control of my life back however small it may seem.
YearsofPain25 - I guess I am too still living with the A of my parents without realizing how it affected my adult life so much. Both my parents were cheaters.
One thing I have found helpful for all those struggling to get through the day like me is to organize something...a drawer, fridge whatever...but I think organizing helps since I have no control over anything else.
Today is the hardest day yet...
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 2:26 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]
Let's start with this. People have been encouraging me to post more to my story and I'm overwhelmed by the responses. Never did I think people would reach out to me in messages and on my posts. Very powerful stuff. And it's helping me immensely to know that I have been helping others. My wife is now really encouraging me to continue to post and I feel I have a lot more to say but I'm scared s***less to say it. I'm going to be around probably most of tonight typing this stuff up so I will be here. I will refresh this page from time to time to see if you want to vent. You don't have to. Just know that I'm right here right now and here for you. I know that doesn't normally happen here on this site, but I am here for you if you want it. I may leave the room a few times to help with the kids, but I'm around and will be right back.
Next order of business. I haven't said this since Oct of 1994 when sitting in my bedroom a few weeks after my brother died. Say it out loud together with me.
"WE are going to be alright".
As for your dad, I get how you feel and I'm in the same boat. We would drop everything for our kids but unfortunately not everyone would. My own parents case in point. So lets at least focus on the positive. He didn't totally reject you. Hopefully he can get to you sometime next week to help. That's something. Is there anyone else that can help you? A neighbor? You DON'T have to explain your whole story to whomever you may reach out to.
I get the personal trainer thing too. Is there anyway that you can explain to them that you are having a personal problem with your xbf and to schedule another time for you?
And unfortunately I've had to be tested for STD's twice in my life. Once due to an unfaithful partner and once because they got a scare from their previous partner so I had to be tested too.
At least you've made that visit now and can move on one way or the other. Good to check that off the list.
One day at a time. I'm sure your house will never be cleaner. What are you going to do tomorrow? What else is on your checklist?
Since WH has stopped corresponding with me since he I asked him to leave Sunday I can only think we are headed for the big D, and I don't mean Dallas.
I tried to explain to her it would be like if every time her best friend came she bit her brother. I told her daddy does not bite me but it still hurts. I told her we both still love her and this is not her fault and that I would try to figure out a way so she could see her dad more regularly. It's only been 2 days since he moved out but she needs structure.
I also told her it would be at least 2 months before we would know if daddy was coming home. Hopefully this will have her stop asking every day as it breaks my heart.
Since my WH does not respond to any communication from me I sadly had to ask my 16 year old to let hus Dad know he really needs to find a more permanent place to live so kids can see him more than a trip for ice cream.
We have a rental home and the people are moving out at the end if the month. I think this would be perfect but my kids think it is an a awful house.
It is 3 bedrooms, nice backyard, hot tub and only 1 mile away but nothing like the house we live in now.
Honestly I don't care if he gets an apartment or buys a whole new house but kids need some stability. He is living with his cousin now 45 minutes away.
Again, I know it's only been a few days for me but I also know this is no quick fix.
Hoping WH wakes up to this fact soon!
Anybody got any insight to how long it takes for WS to realize BS is not playing a game. This is happening and he needs to find a suitable place to live for our kids sake.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:36 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]
James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'
I am feeling really bad about completely falling apart at my surgeon's office today. I went there for a check up and when they asked me what was wrong I lost it.
I feel so bad I disrupted their workday.
I really love my surgeon. Feel like he personally saved my life last month, him and a very good ICU nurse. They are my heroes and feel really bad for bringing this to them.
Doc was also nice enough to get me the scrip for the STD testing so I would not have to have a breakdown at another doctor's office. They said I could hang out there all day if needed. Wish he could be my primary care doc.
Feeling more than ever that I have no one for support. I honestly don't even want my Dad to come now. My IC was absolutely correct in why I contacted him. And as much as it hurt, the answer was what I expected. I knew he would come up with an excuse.
I did spill my guts to personal trainer today regarding my BF and WH. He said he has a session with her Thursday and will look at changing her time but did not sound like he was willing to cut her off completely. I understand, it's business but I had to ask.
Trainer has a completely different take on my situation. He said he was actually happy for me and soon I would see it to. My marriage has not always been great and I have felt very "unloved" for years and had expressed this to him during our workouts. He had asked me many times why I stayed in the M and I always answered for my kids and because I took a vow. After my near-death experience last month my WH seemed much more attentive. All my friends told me how much he cried when he thought I was going to die and they could tell how much he loved me. I thought we had a second chance at a great M. I was committed to doing everything I could to make that happen. Started going back to church (had not gone in years), planned a date night (ironically for this past Saturday which was 1 day after DDay so obviously that never happened) and we had one of the most passionate kisses we had in a really long time Friday night. This was just a few hours before DDAY. Now I have to wonder if he was thinking about her when he was kissing me.
I guess I now do have a free ticket to a new life as no one would ever blame me for walking away. It's just very ironic timing and certainly not the way I would ever had wanted it. No one should feel this much pain.
Thank you all for responding and I really appreciate the PMs. Wish I could respond to them but not at 50 yet. Will look at upgrading account tomorrow.
I find myself constantly hitting refresh for support so if you are up late and happen to read this I'm still here hanging on.
A few random thoughts:
1. My now ex wayward husband didn't take me seriously even when I filed for divorce. He didn't think I would go through with it. I saw real anger in the two days before the hearing and then afterwards. Now he is full of self-pity. He has become more obviously selfish since the divorce. I feel this is his true character and it is quite an eye-opener.
2. I tried everything to reconcile for 10 months. But you cannot do it alone. The WH has to be 100% committed and try as I might I couldn't make up for his half-hearted efforts
3. My now ex dropped the OW after D Day and was "good" in his words thereafter. But he wasn't prepared to tell me the whole truth and go to IC. Those were dealbreakers for me as well as the fact that he remained detached from me and our daughter. Nothing really changed.
4. I discovered so much more about other OW and online activity - the SI saying that the first discovery is the tip of the iceberg was true for me. I kept remembering odd instances from the past and as time went on I pieced together more of the story. But I'm still far from having it all.
5. Ultimately I believe my ex chose his addictive, sexually promiscuous lifestyle over me and our family. It still hurts like hell but it is getting better. If your husband has a problem with alcohol, I believe nothing will change until he addresses that.
5. I have a post-grad degree and a professional qualification. I own my own business. I was utterly blindsided. It's called a secret life for a reason. These waywards are very, very good at getting away with it. Don't beat yourself up.
You really have to keep the focus on you. Take care of yourself and your children. This is not your fault.
Did your WH ever try? I still have not heard from mine since Sunday afternoon except to text me what time he would bring our D home.
Feels like he has implemented the 180.
I crave begging and groveling but as many have said it is actions not words and each day he does this I crawl a little more out of this hole and once I get to the top I'll never look back so really he's digging his own grave.
Here's hoping I get some sleep tonight and tomorrow will be a better day.
He talked a great talk but there was no action. He slipped back into the old detached, isolated, distant behavior and never acted to rekindle trust or intimacy. It was lonely and frustrating.
I also divorced for financial reasons, to protect my position. My situation was somewhat complicated in that respect.
He did not fight for us. It is very sad and enormously disappointing. But it is the truth of my situation and I do believe that living in the truth is the only possible way forward for me.
Sleep well!
I just read your story, and I feel for you.
I identified with what you are feeling in so many ways.
I too was betrayed by my "friend", and it sucks to no end.
You are doing great, meaning you took steps to start your healing, moving forward. You'll find that you have strenghth you didn't know you had.
My one advice now, is to focus on YOU, when people used to tell me this in the begginning, I used to
Think, how can I focus or think of me, when all I can think about is this betrayal? How can two people that I loved so much, do this to me? To ME?, when I have done nothing but be good to these people?
Guess what? I DIDN't listen. I focused on the friend, I texted her, I begged her to tell me the truth, I cursed her out, whatever... and you know what that got me? 1 more year of lies, being in limbo, and more lies.
Avoid her at all costs, if you have to change gyms, do it, at this time, you cannot be around this skank. It will hurt her a lot more, to ignore her, for her to not know what you are thinking. Even if this was just a one night drunkan stupor, you will never trust her again.
So right now, even if your WH is not responding to your texts, I know its really hard, but he's actually giving you a gift. You have time to think, you have peace in the house for the kids.
You don't need to make any decisions right now!
One day at at a time, one foot in front of the other, breathe, you'll get through this.
The people here are sooo wonderful, such great advice,I've learned soo much from reading here.
I also suggest you look up this blog chumplady
((((( hugs))))
"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~
You are doing great, meaning you took steps to start your healing, moving forward. You'll find that you have strenghth you didn't know you had.
^^^^^^ I TOTALLY agree!!!! I know it's hard, but you are doing amazingly well navigating this mess so quickly after Dday.
Do you have some OTC sleep aids??? If not, please get some. You do need rest. And water. And food. And exercise. (nvm. You are working with a trainer. Keep going!)
Your WH is acting like a callous unremorseful jerk. Try not to even think about R. He is not a viable candidate at this time.
And your kids are better off not living with a toxic parental relationship. Keep showing them your love, your integrity, your strength. They will respect you for it! Hang in there!!!!
Also let me tell you....this was not their first rodeo, your WS planned many of these trysts and has done it behind your back probably for many years. He now ramped it up and went for your "best friend". This shows not only a lack of any remorse for having the A, many times it shows how angry and resentful the WS is (remember not your fault) and they are in esssence punishing you by now betraying you in your own home with your best friend.
A's take many shapes and sizes, this one feels with what little information I can read here so far like a truly P/A (passive-agressive)and just over all really MEAN thing to do. He is not responding to you because in his head this is all your fault. You will hear the " you wanted no sex, you gave me no attention" crap from him....be ready.
Also I would be worried that you are the bread winner, this is by the way a point of anger with him if this is the case, but you must make sure you talk to an attorney about how this will all play out. Check all of your financial accounts and lock down credit cards.
Lots more to do but wanted to point some things out.
So to go back a bit...you walked in on them in your home? How did you know to go home or what brought you there at that time? Meaning if they were all 3 full all "into it" they must not have expected you to walk in on them?
We had gone to dinner and back to our house to play cards. BF's WH had been out of town all week and kept talking about how horny he was. 2 bottles of wine (and some tequila for my WH and her WH) and 3 hours later my BF and her WH were in my poker room behind a closed door having sex. I went outside with my WH to smoke a cigar. He said he left his cigar cutter in the room they were in. I told him not to go in there because they were knocking boots and that I knew where another cigar cutter was. I told him I was going to go check on our kids to make sure they were asleep and were not going to walk in on "my friends". The room they were in does not lock.
Thankfully my kids were sound asleep. Took me awhile to find the cigar cutter but finally did and went back down to find my WH but he was not outside where I left him.
I opened the door to the poker room, lights were off but enough light spilled in from the open door to see exactly what was happening. Her WH stared at me and I turned around and quickly ran out. MY BF and WH did not see me as they were too into their acts.
I have no idea how long they continued. I had crawled into bed with the blankets over my head not believing what I had just seen.
When they finally did come find me my WH and BF were crying and saying how sorry they were, how it was the alcohol and her WH's persuasion. Her WH just kept trying to tell me there was no intercourse, how he would never let another man put his penis in his W. How he had wanted this to happen for a long time and always fantasied about his W and another man. SICK! SICK! SICK! SICK! SICK!!! Her WH also said he wished I had joined, OMG I think I am going to vomit.
I told her WH to get the F out of my house but at this time I was clinging to my BF crying hysterically. Why I did not want to punch her in the face right away I do not know. I do want to punch her now.
After they left I got in a screaming match with my WH. I knew it could not have been the first time. He has admitted to 2 other ONS 7 years ago but I agree now from all of you that that is TT.
Have not heard from my WH since I asked him to leave our house Sunday. He has come by both days to see our kids but has asked them to meet him outside the house.
So right now, even if your WH is not responding to your texts, I know its really hard, but he's actually giving you a gift. You have time to think, you have peace in the house for the kids.
At first I was so hurt WH did not respond to my text asking him to get IC, STD tested etc. but I now agree his not contacting me is a gift. It really does give me time to process. Bad news for him is it is giving me the clarity to move much closer to D than R.
So far have not cried today and I actually slept a solid 6 hours last night. That is serious progress.
Again thank you all for your responses and support. Will continue to hit refresh all day so please keep responses coming. IC did not have an opening for me today so don't have any other outlet. I am seeing IC again tomorrow.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 10:49 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]
Telling the children about the demise of our M was the hardest part for me. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about even after so long. I know they say kids are resilient, and they are, but as you have read from yearsofpain's story, there are things that are going on in their head that we have no idea about. Encourage your daughter to express her feelings about daddy being gone. I know that you want her to stop asking, but if she keeps talking about it, you will be better able to know what thoughts she is having, so you can help her.
It really angers me that he hasn't even contacted you to check on the children. What a coward. Even if he doesn't want to talk to you, he should be asking to talk to them, to reassure them that he is still there for them. My fear is that down the road they could have abandonment issues because of his inattentiveness.
[This message edited by brohl5 at 11:45 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
I really thought my 16 year old would be the one to be angry with me but he seems so concerned for my well-being and just does not want to talk about it at all. My 11-year-old is beside herself with pain. I was so close to her before this and now she does not even look me in the eye and can't wait till she sees WH. I am sure she is blaming me for making him move out. When will that stop? When will she want to be Mommy's little girl again?
I have a very sticky situation next weekend. We all had a trip played to Disney World. WH has a business conference. As owner of the business I was going to go as well but just for part of it and then play with the kids at the park. We have 1 hotel room.
I emailed WH today and told him I would look for another room for him or he could bunk with a co-worker and just tell the guy the gave us the wrong room and it is too small for the 4 of us. We will all be on the same flight there but kids and I are on a separate flight home.
My S and I do not really want to go but my D has been looking forward to it for so long and I do not want to punish her. Any advice on this front?
Also, got an email from Sister In Law today about surprise bday party for my nephew. We are not very close but I feel like she needs to know. I want her to know how much I love my niece and nephew. I don't want to lose them over this. Should I tell her or wait for my WH to do it? He is such a chicken s$%^ I just don't think he will ever tell his family the truth. It will be "we are having problems" and then of course they will assume it is me because WH is a really good at lying!
If you can't cancel your trip (I understand not wanting to penalize DD), the way you're proposing to go ahead with it sounds reasonable. Just keep up the 180 on him in close quarters.
So sorry you're having to deal with his shit.
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
I think you feel so incredibly alone right now because you have no one to turn to. You can't contact your BF because she is the OW. Is there someone else you feel close to that you can confide in? Feeling as though you have no one to talk to IRL is so painful and lonely.
I am really not sure how to advise about the trip. It isn't fair to your D to miss out on it, but unless you are able to be 100% civil to him in front of the kids, it can be a really bad experience for everyone, especially the kids. Maybe someone else will have words of wisdom.
He has opened 2 new credit cards in the last 2 years and has rung up over 20 K worth of debt.
After he gives me part of his check every month (I manage the bills) do to financial infidelity 7 years ago. I guess I can go ahead and throw in full on A at that time too although just found out about that on Friday as well, he has $647 left each month. With over $20k in credit card debt he will never pay that off. He is barely able to cover the minimums. I did not think he had any debt so $647 was more than enough to buy whatever he wanted or put into savings.
We almost got D over this 7 years ago. Swore to me it was not other women, just stupidity. I loaded software on his computer to track every keystroke and after 6 months was convinced it was just stupidity and we R. Called off D 1 hour before it was going to be finalized.
I have 0 debt, pay my credit cards off every month. If I can't afford it, I don't buy it.
Feel like I just got punched in the stomach again. If you have ever gone through Financial Infidelity it feels very much the same as a full on A. All the lying and deceit is unreal.
I'm sorry, but I honestly feel the more you dig, the more you are going to find. Both financially and A related.
So, if or when you D, think about D from all angles taking your future retirement into account..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:31 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
It is CRITICAL that you file for separation right now so that no more debt is loaded up by him. He is out of control at this point. I know this has all hit you right up side the head but you need to get tough and get smart and get proactiv very quick, like right now. It is painful and makes you sick but you need to use those business smarts that got you to where you are and get the ball rolling. Stop the bleeding.
So sorry. :(
This was the reason I got divorced, to protect myself and my children from his selfishness. I knew that one day we would end up losing assets or paying child support to some girlfriend.
You are not alone. Usually I post in D&S and many of us post about having to sort out our finances after this situation. These wayward men spend money to impress their OW, the sex and the spending go together.
She also recommended I meet with an attorney and protect our assets ASAP. Since she had to deal with a D years back she also had lots of great advice for the kids. We have never been incredibly close but she told me she loved me and I was family and no matter what happens that will not change. I needed to hear that.
She really wants stage an intervention and get my WH into a treatment facility to address his addictions. I agree. Leaving him won't change his behavior. He may feel guilty, blah, blah, blah but he's not going to change without professional help.
Regardless of what I decide to do with the M, he really needs to do this for himself and for our kids. I know he is miserable and as much as I want to kick him in the gonads right now, he is still the father of my children. I hope their intervention works. No date has been planned yet.
I did lots of positive things today and will share with you all later in another post.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:58 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]
We have never been incredibly close but she told me she loved me and I was family and no matter what happens that will not change. I needed to hear that.
My one SIL acted very similarly ... at first. She even offered to take me to the appointment for my STD/HIV testing, which really touched me. We also hadn't been that close but were friendly enough. She also gave me the "ILY, we are family" speech. I asked her out to dinner a couple of weeks later and she then said she was too stressed being in the middle of our mess, that she felt she had to support her brother and blew me off.
So, don't be surprised if your SIL isn't a source of support for long. They are family.
don't be surprised if your SIL isn't a source of support for long. They are family.
Hope not, that will suck but you are right, I am not blood.
I will get through this regardless.
My life has been hard. I moved out and took care of myself when I was just 15. This is just another hurdle. I am not one to wallow in self pity for too long. I will climb out of this stronger than I have ever been.
Today I teared up a few times but I did not cry. I laughed watching The Goldbergs. I went to the gym. I went to the bank and set up a new account and moved most of my money. We have had separate accounts for 7 years but just want to make sure my assets are safe for our kids sake. I found some treatment facilities for WH and sent them to my SIL. From here on out I will let any intervention or treatment encouragement come from his family to him. I did my part to help WH by telling her. I can't help him at this point. I need to heal me and my kids. I printed out all forms for legal separation and will complete them tomorrow. I live in a state where I do not have to worry about alimony. At first I thought I'd sell my wedding ring and go on a nice trip. I will now give it to him so he can help pay off the debt he has wracked up on who knows how many whores. Again he is still only admitting to 2 ONS 7 years ago and of course the Friday night episode of Jerry Springer.
I can't see anything more fitting then for him to have to pawn the wedding ring. Guess I am in the revenge stage now? Wow, I am flying through these stages.
Packed up suitcase full of clothes for WH today as apparently he did not pack very many when he left on Sunday. Got the biggest one we have and filled it as full as I could. Wish I could have packed everything. Left it for him to grab when kids and I were not here. He has agreed to move into our rental home which will be available next weekend.
Tomorrow is the day I may have to see XBF and her WH and my WH at my S basketball game. 99% sure I am gonna skip this one. I will not miss the whole season but don't want to backslide as I feel I have made too much progress. My D has practice at the same time anyway so we will need to divide and conquer. WH can have his f'd up triangle.
For anyone else out there in this mess I highly suggest you pull WS credit report ASAP.
Can one legally pull WS credit report? Does it affect one's own credit to make an inquiry?
I am glad that you are in a state where you don't have to worry about alimony...
I am in a no fault state that isn't all too friendly about awarding alimony to men but will do so if the men are my age and are unemployed or under employed, even if they are the cheaters..
So having proof of the adultery in our state is almost useless unless it is needed for child custody and / or blackmail in settlement negotiations..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:12 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]
Stay strong. You are one tough lady.
I have to say your subject line is spot on! Your "friends" are revolting, I felt sick reading what happened but the way they continued by contacting you is nothing short of bullying.
I don't have any great advice for you but want you to know I admire you so much, you really are a special strong woman to have done all you did in the past to support your WH - it really is appalling how he has treated you. The financial situation is beyond belief, how the hell did he think he would get away with it - did he expect you to bail him out again?
It is hard for your kids and I'm so glad your son is there for you, I'm sure your daughter will be too.
Sending you hugs, positive thoughts & strength - we're here for you x
At first I thought I'd sell my wedding ring and go on a nice trip. I will now give it to him so he can help pay off the debt he has wracked up on who knows how many whores. Again he is still only admitting to 2 ONS 7 years ago
Please do not do this! If you are serious about helping him, then you cannot enable his behavior or ease the consequences. He wracked up that debt and he needs to get himself out of it! You cannot afford to be codependent now. Watch his actions - you need every penny for yourself.
It is not your problem to solve. And if you do help solve it then you are giving him a signal that what he did is somehow not all his responsibility. He will never get better until he tells the whole truth and admits he has a problem.
Also, he needs to pay you half the rent on the rental property.
Let him get a second job, make economies and feel some pain. Frankly, being separated from his family was something my ex got used to. He complains far more about his reduced financial situation following the divorce. Please, let your husband hit rock bottom. If not, this behavior could continue, escalate and end up in some places that he can't come back from e.g. an arrest for soliciting or a permanent STD.
I''m glad that you''re going through the legal separation as well. You need to make sure that your assets are all protected and that, if he keeps on spending "his" money, that that debit is legally ALL his. (((hugs)))
I am working on the sworn financial statements now. I am going to get him to accept those are his debts and then when we split assets that amount can be deducted from what he gets but they have to be paid off soon. The fees are ridiculous.
I will not give him the ring either. Revenge side of me smiles thinking how humiliating it would be for him to have to sell it to get the money to pay off some of his debt but IC was smart enough to point out that he may not use the money to pay the debts.
So, don't be surprised if your SIL isn't a source of support for long. They are family
LonelySilhouette - you were right. SIL has already broken communication. Who knows if WH will get the help he needs now.
LonelySilhouette - you were right. SIL has already broken communication.
One of those times I'm sorry to be right. :-(
You are one mighty strong woman and I can hear the determination in your posts. You are going to be okay. You are. Know it. Believe it.
You are "working the plan" beautifully. To do list. Check. Next. Check. Move on. That kind of forward motion will all benefit your healing.
You are doing 100% better than I did post-Dday. It's a rare BS (IMO) that laces up her boots and goes to work.
I'm serious. You. Are. Going. To. Be. Fine.
Better than fine. A much better life awaits you.
Just got back from court house. Legal separation papers have been jointly filed...check!
I know you are strong and doing what you need to do, but you have still been blindsided and are hurting. This is traumatic.
Are you sleeping? Eating? Staying hydrated?
Be good to yourself!!!!!
Sending you strength and hugs..
((((huge hugs))))
We are all here for you. I know you feel so alone. Please talk to us. I promise it will help you.
Vent, ramble, ask questions, just type it out. It will help.
"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 11:05 PM, January 17th (Friday)]
I really do feel like I don't have a sole in the world I can confide in.
It sounds like you've gotten the "business side" of this taken care of, for now. So now that you've taken those steps, your mind is racing even more. The thoughts are coming and you have no one to confide in.
The night time was the hardest for me. When the kids were in bed and the house was quiet. That was when I felt alone and the questions took over my thoughts.
Come here and post. Vent, ask questions, ramble, whatever you need. We are here for you. We have all been in your shoes and walked through the fire. Lots of opinions here. Focus on the ones that help you.
I know you are hurting so very badly!!!! There are so many people here who remember acutely how severe the trauma is, especially at the beginning. That's why we want to help you in anyway possible.
Good for you for getting the separation papers taken care of!!! What a difficult step, but so important for you. You are showing admirable strength, despite how badly you are hurting. That's how I know you are going to be okay!!!!
Can you find a fun activity to do with your kids today??? Try to find a little bit of happiness in spending time with them. They both need it and so do you. I believe that is where the healing will start.
Keep posting!!! We care about you!!!!
Maybe I am still in the hospital and I am on a coma and this is really not happening.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
So you were out drinking, then came home to play poker. You had a child spending the night and your kids were home.
How did your friends think it was "okay" to have sex in your home? I couldn't fathom going to a friends house and having sex in their home when we were supposed to be hanging out. Did they ask permission? Did they just start dry humping and you left the room? I'm just trying to get a frame of reference.
Then you're outside with your husband, you come inside to look for the cutter after telling him do NOT go into the room your friends are having sex with, correct? How long were you looking for the cutter and checking on your sleeping kids? I'm imagining 10-15 minutes tops. You go back outside, he's not there, so you go to the sex room and he's in there.
So in a 10-15 minute span (assumption on time) he enters the room (with what intention?) and your friends husband "convinces" him to give oral sex on his wife...that HE just had sex with? Your husband didn't mind that some other mans junk had just been in there? How did the friends husband "convince" both of them in such a short amount of time, especially knowing that you were home??
When her husband saw you did he say anything? How long did they continue for before they came to find you? Suddenly they were remorseful as soon as the sex act ended, after the friends husband told them you saw them? AND they also say they wish you'd been involved?
I'm not trying to doubt, just trying to wrap my head around the impossible.
I'm glad you took steps to protect yourself and your children! Very wise.
[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 10:34 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
(I feel your pain and also that of your kids -- my oldest 2 found out about my WH's A 6 months before me. DD confronted him and he didn't stop. They are still traumatized. I am still trying to figure out how to best help them.)
You stated a while back that your WH was going to "tell" your son. I really hope that you are following up on this. In my experience, a WS after Dday (fog or no fog) can still be a blame-shifting justifying monster. You need to be sure your kids aren't told that this was somehow your fault or "because" of your recent illness and sexual drought. You don't want them internalizing those justifications as reasons it is "okay" to behave this way. My WH brought some of these bad FOO mindsets into our M and I didn't realize it. ie: cheating is okay "if" or "when". This is NOT your fault. DO NOT let anyone, especially your kids, think you are at fault in any way. Please.
hugs to you (((((iasb42)))))
I'm trying to understand this.
So you were out drinking, then came home to play poker. You had a child spending the night and your kids were home.
How did your friends think it was "okay" to have sex in your home? I couldn't fathom going to a friends house and having sex in their home when we were supposed to be hanging out. Did they ask permission? Did they just start dry humping and you left the room? I'm just trying to get a frame of reference.
So you were out drinking, then came home to play poker. You had a child spending the night and your kids were home.
How did your friends think it was "okay" to have sex in your home? I couldn't fathom going to a friends house and having sex in their home when we were supposed to be hanging out. Did they ask permission? Did they just start dry humping and you left the room? I'm just trying to get a frame of reference.
First of all, feel attacked having to answer this but know it's not going to be the first time so is probably best to address first on this forum.
No, we were not out drinking... we went to dinner at Old Chicago's. Came back to our house after to play pinochle not poker as we have done on many weekends over the years. Opened a bottle of really nice wine and then a 2nd. When my WH finally left the house and I came out of my cave, I went to our basement where I also found an empty bottle of tequila. I did not drink the tequila and did not know they were. In all the years I have known them they have openly drank in front of me. Why they were drinking tequila behind my back I do not know. Did they need liquid courage for what they were about to do? All three of them seemed pretty hammered after the 2nd bottle of wine so I did not open anymore. I know my WH is a alcoholic so assumed he probably had had drinks earlier and he had 2 beers at dinner. My "friends' also had a couple beers at dinner.
I would never have sex in a friend's house. We have even gone on vacation with these people over the years and we did not even have sex then. I did not give them permission but when they slipped off to the other room I knew what that had slipped off for and I did not stop them. Her H had been out of town all week and talking about how horny he was. This was not shocking to me either. I have known these people for a REALLY long time and her H has always been a horn dog and talks about sex a lot.
Then you're outside with your husband, you come inside to look for the cutter after telling him do NOT go into the room your friends are having sex with, correct? How long were you looking for the cutter and checking on your sleeping kids? I'm imagining 10-15 minutes tops. You go back outside, he's not there, so you go to the sex room and he's in there.
Yes, it was probably 15 minutes or so. I also started cleaning up a bit, put a few dishes in the dishwasher but no more than 20 minutes.
So in a 10-15 minute span (assumption on time) he enters the room (with what intention?) and your friends husband "convinces" him to give oral sex on his wife...that HE just had sex with? Your husband didn't mind that some other mans junk had just been in there? How did the friends husband "convince" both of them in such a short amount of time, especially knowing that you were home??
Part of me wishes I knew how it all came to that. The other part doesn't care. Do I really want to know? Did her H really convince him? Did my WH go in there knowing very well what would happen? How he could have oral sex with her at all regardless of whether she just had sex with her H is sick. Had they been planning this? If so, for how long? Had it happened before? My WH and her WH had been hanging out way more over the last few weekends leading up to this night. My WH would go to their house and they spent hours making mason jars filled with an apple pie liquor to give friends at Christmas. They continued to make it after the holidays which obviously now is highly suspicious. Why did they need more after the holidays if that was the whole point?
When her husband saw you did he say anything? How long did they continue for before they came to find you? Suddenly they were remorseful as soon as the sex act ended, after the friends husband told them you saw them? AND they also say they wish you'd been involved?
No, her H did not say anything. Honestly I have no idea how long it was before they came and found me. I think maybe 1/2 hour but it could have been longer. I had gone to bed and pulled the covers over my head and was sobbing uncontrollably. I was in complete shock. I am not sure if you can go into an emotional, physical shock but it was simply to unreal to imagine what I had just seen.
When they did find me, my XBF was crying and saying how sorry she was, how much she loved me and could not believe how she had just done that and how she does not deserve my friendship, how it was her H's (can I just refer to him now AssH?) idea. AssH then chimed in how it had always been a fantasy of his to see his W with OM, how he had wished I was there too (vomit). How my WH did not have sex with her as he would never allow OM penis in his W. With this I told him to get the F out of my house. Craziness on my part was telling my XBF to call me the next day as I was really going to need her help me through this. By next morning, had no desire to talk to her. Her assH sent me a text begging me to call my XBF because she was a wreck. Really, she's a wreck?!!! She sent me a single text Sunday "I'm Sorry". I replied to this one "Sorry, that my family has been torn apart and my S just had to watch his Father drive away or sorry for having oral sex with my H?" I received simply, "For everything".
I'm not trying to doubt, just trying to wrap my head around the impossible.
I know it sounds impossible. Believe me I am living it. I guess I am sadly only going to be able to tell people later part of the story as it is so horrible it is truly unbelievable. If someone else was telling me the story I would have my doubts too. I am a brutally honest person which is a blessing and a curse so don't know how I will handle it yet which is another reason I don't really tell anyone what is going on.
So SamanthaBaker, my question for you now is have I answered all your doubts? Being only 8 days in, I need all the support I can get, not doubts.
Maybe my IC is right and I should really limit my time on this forum.
My WH just picked up my kids for the day. I really wanted to get on here and get some support for how to deal with that, not have to answer questions and doubt.
Sorry if I am coming across bitchy but I guess that is my emotion for today.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 4:03 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]
Did the children want to go? Have you spoken to your son and told him the truth yet? They aren't spending the night, just for the rest of today?
I am so sorry, that must be hard. Do you have someone you can talk to IRL? Rent a movie, maybe, and watch? Has there been some kind of series you wanted to start watching? Get Netflix and start a marathon. I can suggest Supernatural , of course, it may not be your genre, but it will certainly get your mind off of real life.
Post what you are feeling right now? Are you still in shock? I was in shock for months, so I would imagine you are. As I said, my life seemed very surreal and I don't really remember that summer much at all. I do remember getting very, very drunk a couple of times. Something I haven't done in a long, long, long time.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:30 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]
All of our stories are complicated and filled with subtle nuances. The story gets drib-drabbed out, or told out of sequence, or an important detail may not be discussed because the original poster is focused on another aspect.
My point is that we all ask questions in an effort to *understand*......I don't think that anyone is doubting you at all. I am glad that SamanthaBaker asked for clarification and I am glad that you provided it -- your additional information helped *me* to make better sense of how that night unfolded.
.......You have a very firm grip on this. I know it's not easy, but at the end of the day, taking firm and decisive action will serve you well.
And you are SO right, not having to deal with a WH at all is WAY better than having to deal with one who is angry and entitled.
Stay NC as much as you possibly can.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I've read some real horror stories on SI some in my opinion way worse than yours. Your story stands out in that you seem so articulate, smart, kind, and normal but your DD really is something out of Jerry Springer. What your WH and Friends did to you in your own house was horrible shocking and wrong. Nobody would doubt or blame you for any of it. You do not need to answer questions that cause you pain, frustration, or you don't feel are asked in your best interest. This forum is here to help you.
From what I read, I do not believe this was even close to the 1st time they have done this. The apple stuff sounds like just a rouse.
Not that really even matters, because once is too much!
I am thankful for this forum and will try not to get so defensive when people ask questions. I realize the more you know, the more you can help.
My kids have gone with my WH to buy furniture for the house he will be moving to. He asked them to go. S did not want to but wanted to go to be their for my D who did want to go. She wants to see my WH whenever she gets the chance as she is really struggling with "when is Daddy coming home". I asked WH not to take them as I do not feel it is healthy for them. Asked him to ask his IC what he/she thought. 99% sure he is not seeing one so needless to say he took them.
I can't control what he does but want to protect my kids. I guess I could have said no but really trying to stay amicable for the kids sake right now as much as I possibly can.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 6:16 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]
Yes, I am sure you would just as soon kick your WS in the balls, but for the kids sake it is best to not do that and try to make it easier fo the children. You are a good person, iam, and you really don't deserve this shit.
The AssH wanted to see his wife with another man. She and he chose your WH to be the one . Why? He's a known quantity, not some stranger off CL, and thus "safe". Your WH agreed. The night in question was chosen by the three of them. They probably needed some liquid courage beforehand, ergo the tequila. The AssH played super-horny that evening, to " explain" why your ex-BF and he had to go at it in your place rather than wait to do it in their own home. Your WH staged going outside with a cigar but no cutter, to create an excuse for him to go into the room where the sex was happening. Maybe the three of them hoped you 'd go in and join the fun too, but when you told your WH not to go in and left to find him another cutter , he figured you wouldn't play along , so went in by himself while you were gone.
I have no idea why your WH and your ex-BF were acting distraught when they all came up to you after the deed was done . Plausible deniability, maybe. As much of an ass as the AssH is, he was the only one being honest I think.
Dec15, your theory makes a lot of sense. I'll probably never know how it really came to fruition and probably don't want to. Poured all the mason jars of apple liquor down the sink yesterday.
The night time was the hardest for me. When the kids were in bed and the house was quiet. That was when I felt alone and the questions took over my thoughts.
Totally agree. Hoping I sleep tonight. May I wish us all sweet dreams tonight.
You know we are worried about you Blind. I'm checking in because I want to check on you. I read back through the posts since I left. That's great that you FINALLY had a chance to speak with someone. I bet that was a HUGE step for you.
I'll probably still check in on you from time to time when I can. Can't help myself. That's the dad in me needing to know you are ok. Keep posting as your story continues to unfold. I'm pulling for you and your kids.
Later Blind.
Have you thought of seeing an IC yourself? I think that it would be greatly helpful to you to have someone IRL to talk to, who is focused on only helping you. Also, you may want to see about a family councilor for your children to help them process what''s going on. When school starts again (if they are in school), talking to their teachers to let them know what''s going on too, might be helpful for them. That way, if they really start struggling in school, the teachers have a context and can contact you right away.
Baby steps forward for you and the children, and NC with your louse of a spouse is the way forward. (((hugs)))
Greetings from Galway Ireland!!!
Wow, sounds like there is a bit of fun on this trip as well as business. Good for you!
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to find your post. I could literally be you, right down to the age. My story's on my profile and is sordid enough to zoom right past Jerry Springer into Telenovella territory. I completely understand the feeling of the emotional knife plunged into your heart by WH, and the knife in the back from Xbf.
My D-Day was in July, so I'm only about six months ahead of you. I'm still in survival mode, but I can see little rays of sunlight ahead. You will get there too.
You have been getting terrific advice from all the SI members. Whatever blame shifting or gaslighting your WH does, none of this is your fault. Your WS's and Xbf's behaviors have to do with their issues, not yours. You are doing an amazing job dealing with a totally unacceptable situation. Your kids are lucky to have you looking out for them.
Sending lots of hugs from frozen Illinois. ((iamsoblind42))
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Another thought (that I am hesitant to suggest) is that if you want to know more about his infidelities he certainly is not going to give you info. But you can (only if you think it will help and not harm you to know) confront the BF.
You can tell her she owes you to at least give you as much info as she can. This was not the only time I would bet. There had to a reason why your WH felt comfortable walking in the room when he believed they were having sex. Chances are she might have info about his other affairs/behaviors. Her creepy husband most likely has swapped stories with your WH. Mine had a group of buddies on a site that described in detail all of their exploits. This kind of person likes to brag as sick as it is.
For me it was important to know as much as possible. This is not always the best thing for everyone.
Take care of yourself!
I was/am in a very similar situation - we were best friends with a polyamorous couple (we were monogamous). Turned out my husband had been having an EA with the wife for nearly a year, and the other husband knew about the whole thing and not only approved of it but was actively helping the affair along. They were all planning to open my marriage without my knowledge or permission. I was the only one in the dark.
The whole thing fell apart when the three of them got drunk together, and it progressed to a PA. Turned out the OW's husband was there and encouraging my WH and the OW to do stuff together.
After the truth came out and we went NC, the other husband attacked and blamed me for everything. I was also told that I was a bad person for not prioritizing OW's feelings after DDay (nobody expressed even the slightest bit of concern about mine, however). I never got any explanation or any apology from either the OW/xBFF or her husband, either. It was like a door opened into Crazy World and I got sucked through. Five years friendship down the drain so WH and OW could drunkenly grope and grind on one another on a couch while OW's husband watched. Jerry Springer indeed.
Anyway, you are far from the only person who has had this kind of horrible crap happen to their marriage and their life. When you're ready for it, there is a Double Betrayal thread in the "I Can Relate" forum. *hugs*
[This message edited by TheGarden at 3:38 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]
Literally in survival mode now. I have a checklist and just managing that from hour to hour to ensure my kids and I will be financially safe.
I feel like I have personal assets under control for now and proceeded to protecting my business.
I am still 100% owner of my company. I hired my WH as CEO in June 2013 but have remained as president and sole board of directors. I still draw a salary from the company and address high level issues.
I really don't want to take full control back as managing CEO but with all my WH's financial issues I am worried he will embezzle from the company. So far I have not found anything like that but he had only been managing a few months.
Will meet with an attorney tomorrow to get some further contracts in place to further protect.
You are such a smart and capable woman. I know you are crumbling inside but you are maintaining a level-headedness in your approach and actions that is admirable. Really.
I'm not going to respond to every piece of this... There's just too much. I'm just going to respond on the pieces that I feel I have some similar experience with -- in hopes that it might provide some reassurance or whatever.
The WH taking the kids furniture shopping... I wouldn't worry about it too much. Honestly. My youngest DS (12 at time) helped my WH shop for things he needed for his apartment and helped him assemble things and move in. Slept over. It was very reassuring to my DS. He was the only kid who didn't know about the A. The other 2 wanted no part of it. The youngest needed to know that he would still be part of H's life and although it was killing me, I could see it was helping to calm him. And my worry over him was greater (typical mom reaction, right?)
My DS15 eventually spent a couple nights at the apartment. My DD17 has never been there and will never be. She's the most angry and devastated about this because she confronted him and he didn't stop.
Their different wishes for R vs. D brought a lot of extra friction into their relationships with each other and also with me.
Based on my own experience, I think it is probably reassuring for your DD to be part of this. And I think your DS is awesome to try to be strong to help her, despite his own feelings. I've seen that my kids have phased through different stages with this whole thing and are finally getting to where they are trying to support each other. Awesome that your DS is doing this from the get-go. Really. It's good for them, even if it hurts you.
Also, a big shift in their interactions came when our new MC/IC/FC wanted to see them all together. My DD was livid. She liked going to her own shrink and venting and hating on WH. DS15 didn't want any C. I told youngest DS about the A late September 2013. It was too likely he had already ascertained the story and I wanted him to hear it directly from me. He was almost 13. Kept it very age-appropriate, based on advice from MC/IC/FC #1. He was shattered, but bounced back and is very rational about it.
Having them do FC as a group had been amazing. They are relating better and not feeling so isolated in their emotions. New C has seen them once and wants to see them alone again. Full family FC will be later down the line. In the meantime, I can see how it's helping.
I'm not trying to t/j with my story, but hoping you may see something in my story that will help you with your kid's healing. I would highly suggest C for them. IC made my DD more angry and self-focused. Her shrink told her she could set "rules". It wreaked havoc on our family dynamic. The group approach, with a different mindset C, is working for us.
I can't tell you what's best for you... Just some more thoughts that you can use as you need or disregard.
I know how devastating it is when our kids become part of this nightmare. Like you, I want desperately to do the right things for them. Hard to give them the necessary first aid when you are lying on the floor hemmoraghing. BTDT. My DD was angry at me for that too. Be kind to yourself. Just like on an airplane, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first, then your kids. You can't truly help them first. YKWIM? Forgive yourself for having to do your own triage first. It's okay. You have time to help them heal. Be good to yourself first. Then start attending to their healing.
I know it's hard to see your family devastated by all this. First hand. I feel for you.
You've got double/triple betrayal on top. The pain is excruciating. But we are all here, hoping to help you through it in some way. We'll add little bits and pieces of our own experiences and sometimes (unfortunately) project our own feelings on to your situation... Please know that everyone here wants to help. Not judge. Not belittle. Not distrust. In your case, I think the clarification helped us better understand the likely situation between WH, AssH, and BFF. Like I wrote early on, it just seems impossible that this just "happened" spontaneously while you were gone 15-20 minutes. I think your added detail just solidified that for most of us. With that knowledge, we may be able to offer better insights. I hope that makes sense. Keep posting and talking.... And hang in there.
You. Will. Be. OK.
Now that we have legally filed for separation (they need an LS abbreviation) should I let him know it's here? From what I understand, from the moment we are officially filed I am no longer responsible for what he does.
Also, told my DS that he is not allowed to go to his BF's house as that is where my XBF and assH live. I told him his BF was welcome here anytime and he simply had to trust me for now that I would tell him more when I could. At first he asked my why but I simply said again, I am asking you to trust me on this one. He said ok. Hurray, I feel at lot less anxiety about that now.
As far as IC, I did that immediately. Literally left a dozen messages on Monday. I was on my way to the hospital to see if they had an immediate therapist when one called back and she said she was available right then so I drove straight there. I have been 3 times already. Kids are going on Tuesday.
As I have said before, I have a checklist and working that is what is keeping my sanity.
I did get a bit more sleep last night as well which is good. Had to bump from 2 sleeping pills to 4 but it did the trick.
So far no tears today...still in survival mode.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 9:18 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 9:54 AM, January 20th (Monday)]
BTW you are doing well so far. You are going to make it.
Had a really good dream last night and then woke up and got physically sick.
I know whatever happens that a year from now things will look different and in 5 years from now maybe I'll even be able to be truly happy again. I just wish I could fast forward.
The immediate aftermath of this nightmare usually goes by in a blur because you are busy taking care of business (ex; your checklist)..
After the first year or two has gone by, don't be surprised if you get caught in the clutches of a debilitating depression..Anticipate for it, be prepared for it, and you may dodge a direct hit from this bullet..
I am glad that your kids are gonna be in counseling, this will help them verbalize and validate their feelings..
If you''re having problems keeping food down to where you''re starting to drop weight too fast, get some complete nutrition drinks (Ensure is one brand, there are loads of others) and keep sipping that a bit at a time. It can help.
As to his mail, I''d just write "Not at this address" on it and send it back to the post office if he''s not in the house any more. He fired you from being his secretary. It''s up to him to get a mailing address, which he can do at any postal store.
I am glad that you are seeing a lawyer about your business. I''m sure it''s obvious to you, but he cannot have any check writing or signature authority privileges for your business ever again. Given his financial infidelity, you know that at some point, he will try to raid the business. I''d also worry about him accepting any payments for the business as well, especially if you do any cash receipts at all.
Hang in there. You''re doing great! (((hugs)))
Next is the subconscious. Last month I started having dreams where I was yelling at STBXH for 'ruining real life', venting all the repressed anger. You will get there eventually. Finally, I've heard from others that the heart does recover eventually. For now, I just acknowledge that I can love someone, but not be with them.
This is a marathon. Do whatever you need to take care of yourself. The Ensure idea is great. I used Slim Fast because I could afford to lose the extra padding. I recommend therapudic trips to an Ice Cream Shoppe with the kids and hugs three times a day. ((iamsoblind42))
Oh, and I called the life insurance to change beneficiary to my kids and car insurance to split policies. I may have to publish this checklist later.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 1:55 PM, January 20th (Monday)]
I can hardly imagine how difficult that must have been for you to talk to your employee's and without breaking down. Be very proud of yourself that you were able to handle it professionally. I can't imagine how you worded it, though. Did you just say "Due to my husband's infidelity we are divorcing." Pretty gutsy on your part and I feel it was the right thing to do, too.
The lessons you will learn, the distances you will travel learning what you are capable of really does make the journey worth it.
None of us wanted to be here, but we've traveled paths that have led us to amazing places within ourselves.
The journey IS worth it.
It sounds like you have talked to your WH, iamsoblind. What did he have to say for himself? It sounds like he wants to separate, that he isn't even trying to reconcile or remorseful in the least.
I limit our conversations strictly to things I have to discuss with him. Things like what time will he have my DD home and business questions that must be dealt with. Gross business income has to be reported by tomorrow and as the owner and Board of Directors I have had to ask a few questions there. We also chatted briefly on how to tell the employees. No, he has showed no remorse except for the day we told our DS and DD. He cried and said how he messed up and how he will take this guilt to the grave, blah, blah, blah. Since then nothing. In fact he texted me to ask me how it went with the employees today. I asked him if he was concerned how hard it was for me to tell them or if he was concerned about the employees. He replied "Everyone" but really he is just concerned how this has tarnished his reputation. I am tired of worrying about his feelings.
I am proud of how I handled it, thank you SisterMilkShake.
k9, I hear you. There is that great Garth Brooks song about "I could have missed the pain but then I would have to miss the dance." I understand that. I just want it all figured out. The limbo of EVERYTHING is what sucks. That is why my checklist is so helpful. I can't turn my brain off so making sure I have dotted all my I's and checked all my T's is what is really helping me right now. I just look forward to the day when I can take pleasure in the simple things again and not have a checklist to worry about.
I'm giving you a standing ovation for handling things with the employees. That took guts.
I know it's hard to fathom how someone you loved and built a life with can do this and then be so unremorseful. Boggles the mind.
It is obvious that you can do so much better than him. For now, just be kind to yourself and love your kids. Life will get better. We promise!!!!
You are doing great. Push through it.
Amazing what you see when the blinders are finally off.
When the dust settles start a new checklist for yourself.
A. 42 years old.
B. Ceo/President/BOD/ Own my own f'ing business and successful
C. Two great kids.
D. Healthier than last year and getting back in tip top shape.
E. Survivor and ready to be a Conqueror
Keep adding to it as you see fit.
I know you have been doing your best with it. Again, you are one strong lady. Sorry and apologies in advance for the name calling, but F HIM!!! Sounds like he had it all with you!!! What a dumb ass! Sorry again for the name calling.
How are you and your kids dong today ? Good that checklist working and you. Sounds like DD having most difficulty? What do kids know? Are you keeping engaged in addition to work bs you have had to deal sigh ?
Will try to check in sigh you tomorrow while changing countries. Keep strong Still.
I can literally count on 1 hand the number of people that know and apparently word in my town is already out. Got a call from a friend today. Really am not ready to deal with the gossip mongers. Seriously, these people need a life! I had to tell my friend to please tell anyone that talks to her about it to shut their pie holes and try to remember there are kids involved. I understand it is a juicy story but if they truly care about me and value my friendship they will SHUT UP!!! Apparently asking my trainer to stop working out with my XBF was a really bad idea.
And even the people who care about you can't stop themselves from telling other people about your story "because they're so sorry for you". Gee, thanks. Then having even more people gossiping will certainly help. NOT.
But you are strong. You've shown it. You will survive. And you are absolutely 100% right. There are kids involved and people should really think before they talk.
This is hard enough with everything else already. You didn't need this on top of it. So very sorry.
Went and met with my WH face to face tonight to agree on custody, visitation, child support and the business. Will draw up all legal forms and get them entered as temporary decree ASAP. Meeting went well. WH mentioned he got a call today from a gossip monger that asked if it was true. He told me that he told him it was. Obviously can't trust he told him but if he admitted it perhaps he is coming out of his fog.
Gonna try to go back to 2 sleeping pills tonight. Wish me luck and may I wish us all sweet dreams.
I have a Dr. Appt tomorrow for surgery follow up and will also get my STD results., ok maybe I should stick to 4 sleeping pills.
Personal Trainers rank up there with beauticians when it comes to gossip. I wouldn't have said anything to him in the first place. She's HIS client and that means money.
Good to see you are starting to get sarcastic and funny. That's a good thing.
I so wish you had a trustworthy friend to lean on right now. You need a real hug. Hug those kids. I hope they are treating you with extra compassion. You need and deserve it.
ETA - PS: Does your WH seem to feel like a complete a$$ about all this? Is he showing any remorse or, at the very least, shame? I can't really ascertain it from your posts. --Oops. sorry. Reread above and see you said he only had one initial breakdown. It's hard to fathom. Scary, actually. So sorry, blind.
[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 9:54 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]
Remember, there are plenty of lurkers who are on your side, too!
Also, thought I would share this. Spent an amazing evening with this traditional British couple who are in their mid 70s. They shared bits and pieces of their 53 years together and the trials that they overcame in their marriage. My colleagues and I were enthralled with them. The message I got was that regardless of what happens in live and in marriage, that there is hope for all of us. Don't want to get to preachy. But if they come overcome the adversity in their lives, so can you and all of us. I love talking with our elders. We can learn so much from them.
How did today go Blind? Was it good, bad, indifferent, or all 3? How are you?
I admire you, and loved that you had a checklist, and followed through with it. I wish I and probably a lot of us here, that we took this swift action so quickly - so that you get to a healing place much quicker.
I do worry that once that checklist is taken care of, that it will truly hit you. And you'll crash emotionally. And if that ever happens, hopefully not, we'll be right here to encourage you and lift your spirits.
I also suggest going to down to the Divorce/Separation forum - I can attest that there people there with a great sense of humor... This stuff that these WS come up with, you just can't make it up. Funny shit!!
I wish you and kiddos could take a nice road trip to a warm pretty beach and relax /enjoy each other's company :-)
Your wish has been granted. We actually have a trip planned to Orlando this weekend. Whole family was supposed to go as my WH has business there. We are now on separate flights, separate dates and separate hotels. Looking forward to a few fun days with my kids.
You are amazingly strong.
I am so very happy that you will be able to get away this weekend. Disney vacation? Check! I hope you can slow down enough to breathe again. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to recharge your batteries !!! You deserve it. You've earned it. Please have a wonderful time!
I do want to warn you, though, I believe you are in the shock/denial stage. Most likely the full impact hasn't hit you yet. Maybe it has, but I am thinking it hasn't. It takes awhile for us to process this shit. Be prepared for, as jackie says, a big emotional crash. It happened to me and to many others. It helps to be aware that this may happen, imo.
Hope this weekend will be a reprieve for you and that you are able to enjoy "The Happiest Place on Earth" with your dear children.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:53 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]
As much as it might seem that I am doing great, I know I will have to deal with with the pain again sooner or later but for now have buried it. I mean, I still know I am a mess on the inside but on the outside, unless you knew me REALLY well I don't think anyone will know.
There are certain things that make me know it's still really raw... I'll go to the store and forget why I went there. Have not been able to make a family dinner since DDay. We eat out every night as I think sitting around a family table might break me. I avoid social situations where I know people will ask where my WH is etc.
Tomorrow WH and I are meeting for mediation. I just want all this settled. My blood pressure was off the charts when I went to the doctor yesterday. I normally have very low blood pressure. Just coming off a near-death experience last month I know for my health I have got to get my anxiety under control and I think once we have all the paperwork settled I will be able to breathe better and sleep more. It will not even have been 2 weeks since DDay tomorrow but for my health and sanity I have to keep moving fast.
I know many of you think I am going to crash and burn soon but lets think positive. Maybe I can be an anomaly that can get through this with minimal scars. Thanks for your continued support.
First, let me say that although I have never met you, I am so proud of you! You are a very strong woman and you are doing everything that you can do at this point. Sometimes we can only take care of the present and take care of the future when it comes. It sounds like from previous experience you are aware of the warning signs of crashing. Keep good thoughts, keep your closest family and friends on speed dial, and make sure your internet connect is always working so we can support you. As much as you have done, unfortunately it's not over yet, and you know you'll have some tough days ahead. After those, however, you'll have some GREAT days, so keep that in mind.
Wishing you all good things!
Great that you could get up in front of a firing squad in an interview. Impressive.
Yeah, like others suggested this may hit you like a freight train later, but just know that IF it does, there are a group of friends here to pick you up.
I really admire your strength.
(((iamsoblind42))) I'll be thinking about you. Take care.
I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.
Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.
Really starting to think my WH did this horrible last act knowing I could never forgive him so was his way out of the M. He now seems to have a lot of remorse over the loss of the "family" but not for the loss of me. I truly think he is relieved. Good news is we are now amicably moving forward to legally separate.
Have you ever seen the movie Crazy, Stupid Love? If you haven't, it's a great movie. I would like to have someone in my life willing to fight for me.
Feeling alone again today but no tears.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 12:31 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]
How could you have him back in your life after witnessing that? The OW/OM are nuts as well obviously. What the hell is wrong with people?
You are going to need some first class counseling to help you through this. It has only been a couple of weeks since D-Day by the looks of it and you probably even had time to breathe.
You've had lot of good advice from SI posters. The road to recovery may seem overwhelming at present but remember.....a journey of 1000 miles has to start with one small step.
I remember how I felt for the first weeks after discovering my now ex-WH had been screwing my "dearest friend" and next door neighbor for 5 years. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it. At least my idiot ex-H spared me a personal cabaret performance which is more than I can say for your WH. You may be right in your assumption that your WH's performance was calculated as an excuse to exit your marriage. Whatever the reason, he needs serious help.
Keep posting on SI, you will be supported here no matter what.
Hugs to you
[This message edited by Ellejay at 5:51 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]
Really starting to think my WH did this horrible last act knowing I could never forgive him so was his way out of the M.
Just my opinion, but I feel you should be open to answering your DS's questions.
however, i have been following yours. even though i dont post on it ... i am still pulling for you!
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys
Went to mediation today and when I got there lawyer said he could not talk to both of us. Our legal system really needs an overhaul.
In any case...we are going to proceed with filing the state forms jointly. If he decides to retain a lawyer I can always pony up later.
Good to see you keep moving forward Blind. How are the kids doing?
I'll check back in when back in the States. Don't stop moving forward.
WH is moving into our rental house tomorrow. I think kids will be better once he has a permanent residence where they can visit him. He mentioned today something about only planning to live there for a few years which is odd. We were discussing how he will have to refinance it since my name is the only one on the current mortgage. Interesting to know he has his future planned out while I can literally not see past what I have to do tomorrow to survive this.
Good news is... I slept a solid 7 hours last night, hurray!
[This message edited by doggiediva at 8:43 PM, January 24th (Friday)]
Hope you have a great trip. Funny, one of the first thing I thought about when I found out about my ws was that I guess I wouldn't have to save as much for our next Disney trip if only 3 of us go LOL. I really resent that I'm hanging out on this board now instead of the disboards!
I wanted to comment on your concerns about repeating your breakdown from 20 years ago. I also had a major depressive episode 20 years ago (before STBXH) and dreaded it ever happening again. However, I have found that the coping skills I learned then have helped me immensely in dealing with my own double betrayal. Having been through a breakdown once, I could recognize the signs of another one coming and seek out the professional help I needed. Also, having been through that black despair and recovered, I know for a fact that it will get better.
You know it as well, because you recovered from your ex-fiance leaving you. While this is an order of magnitude above that betrayal, you are also a stronger person than you were then. You have your kids who love and need you. Mine are a huge source of strength for me, and I suspect yours are for you as well.
You will build a lovely future for them and yourself out of the chaos your WH has created. It just takes a lot of time. I'm six months out, and there are still ups and downs. But there are a lot more ups than downs, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have seen positive growth in my kids and I feel closer to them than ever before.
Good luck, and keep posting. It really helps to know that you are not alone.
I just spent half the afternoon reading this entire thread. Add me to your fan club! I, too, am so very proud of you. Discovering betrayal is such a trauma, but sadly, friends & family don't come swooping in with casseroles & tissues :(. I'm so sorry that your BF turned out to be anything but, & so thankful that you quickly found this awesome group!
Everyone has given you great advice. The only other thing I'll mention is that, when you're ready, you might get a lot of support & comfort from a group such as Al-anon, or Celebrate Recovery even. I never thought I would go to something like that, but after learning about my H's addiction to online porn (which led to 2 affairs) & his good experience with SA, I went to S-anon. The women there are incredible! I drag my heels at working the steps, & miss quite a few meetings, but there is nothing like being able to share your story with people IN REAL LIFE & knowing that they get it!
Just keep on keeping on, & loving on those kids. At 3 1/2 years out, I promise you that there is more joy in your future. The shock will wear off, the pain will gradually diminish & you'll someday just pop in here from time to time to leave an encouraging word. Eat, sleep & do whatever makes you happy. Hugs & prayers!
For someone that claims to be soooooo sorry he is certainly not putting up any fight for me or this marriage. It makes me sad but also explains so much of the last several years. It really should not have taken such a heinous act for me to see he'd been killing this marriage for years.
No longer feel I am going to wake up from a coma but instead feel like I have woken up from a bad dream that has been my life for years. Refuse to wallow in self pity any longer. Life is too short and he has already taken too much from me to expend any further energy on it.
I do hope for the sake of my kids he addresses his drinking, spending and other demons.
I know I am worth fighting for and if he can't see that it is his loss.
Does this mean I have to move to the separation forum now?
Glad to hear you had an awesome weekend. Glad he is gone. I wish you strength as you continue your journey!
Sorry that there is more misery to come for you but you sound like you know your direction at this point. Definitely HIS loss on all of it. Keep your head up and continue to let us know how you are doing and your challenges.
Post in whatever forum you feel comfortable in. If you have questions regarding the D/S, then yes, I would post those there because that is the place you are more likely to get an answer to your specific questions.
You seem to have it all together, but I know that there are times when you have moments of sadness. All of that is completely normal.
I actually think the full story about your WH is yet to be discovered by you. I would bet he has been doing lots more with a lot of other people that you have yet to find out about.
Refresh my memory, did you contact your doctor about STD testing? You really should, if you haven't already.
That's not a very nice thing to come home to.
Any thoughts on telling SH about it and making him go get tested to see what he comes up with so you may not have to wait as long? He owes you at least that much.
Just got an email from the attorney I consulted with last week that he is quitting and I will need to be switched to a different attorney in the firm. I told them just to send back my FULL retainer as I had no faith in a firm that would take on a new client knowing there was another job that may require that attorney to leave just a few days later. Luckily they have agreed to my demands. I will be proceeding without an attorney. My WH and I have already agreed to everything (parenting plan, child support, property and asset allocation and sworn financial statements). I just have to pray he does not go back on his word and obviously there is no trust there right now.
I am going to make dinner for my kids tonight. It will be the first time since DDay. Things really do seem to be getting back to normal. I think about how it has not even been 3 weeks and I should not be able to move on this quickly but I also don't want him to take anymore from me than he already has. I will be happy again, I know it.
I'm so sorry about the Hep B and yes, I doubt he will be forthcoming to do any sort of testing. I think he is deep in the fog.
Of course people are shocked and I try to spare some of the more gruesome details. I need to reclaim my life and part of that is knowing I can go out without whispering behind my back. I did nothing wrong. Figure it is better if people hear it from me than the gossip mill.
People have been very nice but they just keep saying how very sorry they are. I guess there is probably not much more they can say.
Maybe there will be a new town scandal soon and I can be old news.
I'm new to this site but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I walked in on my WH with another woman as well. This shit sucks on a major level.
I hope you're doing okay.
I cannot believe this shit is actually happening.
I saw your post to my thread last night. Thank you for the kind words. I appreciated it and it means a lot. I have an 800 number that I'm going to call on Mon for IC. You are one of my role models in this regard.
Thanks and keep it up. Let us now how you are doing as you keep moving forward.
For now we have just filed for legal separation. I have taken the advice to not make major decisions right away and even though my head is screaming D it's really hard to throw away the last 20 years. Figure if nothing changes between now and 76 more days it's just one more form to complete.
Bought a new bed today. It is awesome! King size and super high, meant for a Queen. My WH would hate it which makes me love it all the more.
Also got a job offer Friday for a large company where nobody would know me. I could always take control of my company back but right now a large company sounds perfect.
Chillin with a glass of wine watching the snow fall. Hope you all find some peace today.
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 6:19 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]
Having a couple friends come over for the superbowl today. Will be the first time since DDay that I have really hung out with friends. Hoping it will go well and I am not a Debbie Downer. Go Broncos!!!
I thought my situation was the worst thing that ever happened to anyone ever, and then you come here and learn there are thousands of horrible stories and you are not alone. That is both amazingly sad and incredibly comforting. Many formerly trusted spouses have done horrific, despicable, callous, hurtful things.
I am so sorry. It is pychologically traumatizing to see something like that and find out your husband is an evil stranger. I was in shock for at least a week. Get a therapist right away. Go talk to a lawyer right away (even if you aren't going to do anything, find out your rights and have someone to call if you get into trouble and need someone quick.
Some things you said really resonated with me. When you said that you aren't even sure if you are in love with your husband. I was there too. I loved him, was best friends with him and the reasons why I loved him were that I thought he was honest, moral, trustworthy, family focused, loving, kind, and caring. Once I learned about his long term affair, lying, deceipt, fraud and then the cold and callous way he told me...all the love I had drained away immediately. I was done, I don't even know him.
The passion in our marriage was definately a problem. He blamed me, saying I never wanted to have sex....and I told him what intimacy I needed and wanted in order to increase/improve the sex. He felt that he shouldn't have to work at it, was mad that I was making it "conditional.' Selfish much?
What I am now realizing is that the reason I wasn't feeling so amorous was probably because he was cheating and the true intimacy and love that was once there wasn't there anymore and I felt like something was "off" but I didn't really know what. There was something a little creepy or repellant about the sex actually. NOW I am realizing that my subconcious was probably telling me something my brain wasn't getting. I can admit now that I didn't really like it that much.
In our relationship I always felt like I was giving more, doing more, loving more. He was always saying I didn't appreciate what he did, that he did soooo much and all was equal, and that I should just want to have sex with him with no effort on his part. I accepted so little from him, and yet he made me feel badly about what I did ask for (in the way of help, intimacy, engagement with me and the kids)and here he was screwing some whore he met online for a year and half....then when he confessed it was all about how his needs weren't being met, how he felt I wasn't attracted to him, didn't love him...all him, him, him.
People are capable of really horrible things. Take care of yourself. Stand in your own truth and do not drink his kool aid while you figure out what you are going to do. Do not call your BFF, she is not your friend. She betrayed you and deceived you.
Having the date is making me reflect on the past 20 years. There were some good times but how many were lies?
The night after my horror I confronted my WH with some questions. Before I went and crawled back into bed that night I pulled out a bible, put my hand on it, looked him in the eye and said "in all the years we have been married I never had sex with anyone else." He had a look of complete shock on his face. I really think he must have convinced himself that I did to take away some of his own guilt. I'll never forget that look.
The night after my horror I confronted my WH with some questions. Before I went and crawled back into bed that night I pulled out a bible, put my hand on it, looked him in the eye and said "in all the years we have been married I never had sex with anyone else." He had a look of complete shock on his face. I really think he must have convinced himself that I did to take away some of his own guilt. I'll never forget that look.
That look of shock says a lot. I really just wish that he could have found a better way than to blow everything up like he did. There's no excuse for it. I can hardly understand it.
How are you doing today iamnolongerblind42? What are your latest challenges? Those x friends of yours still dead to you and have respected NC?
Thinking of you Blind.
Today sucks!!! Found out my "good" friends have known for weeks what happened but no one called to see how I was doing. They all just gossiped among themselves. Their excuse was "well, we just didn't know what to say, it's all so shocking".
This is what you say...
"We are here for you. Would you like to get some coffee or go out for dinner? I am here to talk anytime you need a friend or a shoulder to cry on." You don't gossip amongst each other. AAGGGHHHH!!!
You really do find out who your true friends are in these types of situations and my well is pretty damn shallow. Maybe SI should plan getaway weekends for fellow SI members. I just booked a week trip to Chicago for the end of this month. I am going to the Biggest Loser Resort there and meeting some people that I met at the one in New York a year ago. I think it is just what I need. A week for ME with people that do not know anyone where I live. Anyone else have the last week of February open? If so, book a week. It is not only a physical challenge but mentally is so great. I came back last year with a whole new perspective on life.
Kids are doing better and adjusting to life with Mom and Dad living in separate houses. My WH and I have divided all assets, agreed to custody, child support and parenting plan. I had to give him a sizable check and I hope he uses it to pay off his debt but can't make him.
XBF and AssH have not tried to contact me since right after it happened (or right after I caught them...who knows how long they have been messing around) I never sent them an NC. They just stopped trying to contact me. I think they still talk to my WH.
Part of me wants to move and start over new in a new city where nobody knows me but with the kids I can't do that.
If they knew about it and they were a true friend, they would have shown up on your doorstep or reached out in any way they could. That's what decent people do. Unfortunately most people don't want to associate with a crisis and distance themselves. Coffee? Dinner? How about Hello. How are you even. Sheesh. Sorry to say this is adding an extra layer to your shyte sandwich Blind. Would you like fries with that sandwich?
That sounds like an awesome trip! You'll have to share with us when you get back...unless you want to keep something just for you...
Glad to here the kiddos are doing well. That's good news at least.
It sucks that you were actually reaching out to someone, yet again, only to have to drop it because AssH was in the vicinity.
The good news is that you don't really have to talk to them ever, even if they are sometimes right in front of you. You don't. They can remain dead to you. If you are able to remain calm, composed, and are not intimidated by them in any way whenever they are around, that makes YOU the winner and sends them a message that YOU are better than their bullshit. I like to think that AssH was sitting across the gym for a reason to give you space. I hope that is the case. Maybe I give him too much credit.
Look how far you have come with all of this in such a short time. Dealing with xBF and AssH are way down on the priority list as far as having to even think about them. Hopefully you will never have to deal with them at all ever. My point here is that if you do end up having to deal with them, be prepared and hold your head high. Take the high road and be strong even if you are a mess on the inside.
Thinking out loud here... How would you like the situation to go if they did approach you? Or if the situation you were in last night should present itself again, what if you stopped and talked to your friend anyway even with him right there? Would you have liked to say to your friend come on over here for a sec and lets chat. Just wanted to say hi. She could could have come a few feet over to talk to you without AssH being right in front of her. You have that right. I know it was the first time you had to see AssH after DDay and your stomach was probably , but next time if you're prepared for it, you may not be . Maybe you could be a dignified . Or maybe just kick the crap out of them (jk about that last one even if you really want to). How would you like to see the situation go if it should happen again?
Later Blind.
What I really want to do is say in front of a whole room of people if they try to approach me is "Really, you think I will get close enough to you to share the same air after your whore of a wife f$$k## my husband, you sick bastard!"
Felt good just typing it
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 10:56 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
And F^^^ THEM!!! Love that attitude Blind! Scream at them all you want here. Start another thread on it and let loose!! I'll bet you will have many other's here singing a chorus.
You do not see the people even though they might be in front of you. You ignore them. If they speak, you do not hear. They are, almost literally, dead to you. If your friend screws up and tries to direct your attention to them, you don''t take the bait, you keep your focus on your friend (explaining later if you need to that you do not speak to those people) and ignore any attempts to include the others. If the others keep trying to interfere or your friend doesn''t *get* that you are not talking to the other, you tell your friend that you would love to chat with them later in a less noisy place and to please call you, and you leave. Your attitude is bored indifference you really have no interest what so ever in what gooy material is on the bottom of a shoe, so you just don''t bother with the shoe.
Takes a lot of will power in the beginning, but the good news is that it becomes easier with practice.
WH has started the blame phase. It's all my fault he did these things. I am not buying into it. Try to limit contact as much as possible.
XBF has still done nothing to try to apologize except for the single "I'm Sorry" text.
How are your kids doing with all of this? Does your DD know any of the truth? How is your son handling things? How do they feel about staying with their Dad?
My thoughts and prayers remain with all 3 of you.
I completely understand wanting to switch from LS to D. I switched back and forth and back again before settling on divorce. The initial shock is just overwhelming. There is nothing that can prepare you for this level of betrayal.
However, you have come so far so fast, even if it doesn't feel like it. Going to Chicago sounds like an excellent idea. Pamper yourself. Get some Frango Mints at Macy's, Giordano's stuffed pizza, whatever you like to do. Wave towards the western suburbs while you're here and I'll wave back.
Stay strong, and FTG! What he thinks is not your problem anymore.
I've just finished reading through your entire thread. I can't believe what you've gone through and what strength and resolve you have shown over the last few weeks. Your kids are so lucky to have such a strong and honorable woman as their mother.
Your WH on the other hand is the biggest piece of slime on the planet. He shows absolutely no remorse and actually seems to believe that you caused the problems in this marriage. WRONG. What an absolute arse-hole he is. Just take comfort in the fact that one day your kids will understand the actions you took and also realize that your WH was the one who betrayed the family with this callous actions.
I have a few questions/comments for you however:
1) Why have you not exposed the ex-BF and AssH for their adulterous ways? Is it common knowledge in your town that these two are swingers? If not then why do you need to keep their filthy lifestyle a secret?
2) I would be more forthcoming with your DS. He is old enough now to understand what has happened. Although you don't need to get too graphic with him, I suggest to give him a high level explanation of what happened. This will help him understand why he needs to avoid BF and AssH in the future. Your DS will surely tell BF/AssH's son and this will be the ultimate shame to them.
3) Your daughter. She is only 11, but I have a strong suspicion that she is taking this very hard as well. Again I would suggest that you tell her in age-appropriate terms EXACTLY what happened. Don't hide anything or lie. In 20 years from now your kids will only remember the lies. If you tell the truth without being graphic, they will respect you in the long-run.
Keep posting and stay strong......................Kali
1) Why have you not exposed the ex-BF and AssH for their adulterous ways?
I have started telling a few people and somewhat hope it spreads from there but I am still trying to protect my DS. They are the parents of his best friend.
2) I would be more forthcoming with your DS. He is old enough now to understand what has happened.
I plan to when I feel the time is right. He already questions why I can't forgive his Dad so I know he will need to know at some point.
3) Your daughter. She is only 11, but I have a strong suspicion that she is taking this very hard as well. Again I would suggest that you tell her in age-appropriate terms EXACTLY what happened. Don't hide anything or lie. In 20 years from now your kids will only remember the lies. If you tell the truth without being graphic, they will respect you in the long-run.
If they ask me, I won't lie but still think she is too young. I did tell her today about how her friend's parents are divorced and she said "yeah, I know" and I said and see "she is still really happy and sees both her Mom and Dad." She agreed.
Started my new job today and it went really well. Much better than expected.
I really do think everything is going to turn out just fine.
Still hurts that neither my WH or XBF fought for me in any way but it has made decision making a lot easier.
Kids are learning to deal with new situation and no longer seem too sad. Really thankful for that.
My minute by minute, day by day now seems to be week by week...progress!
Please continue to let us know how you are doing.
Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...
As the days/weeks/months continue to pass, you'll be able to distinguish the gossipers from the carers. And, really, who cares about the negative folks? You don't need them any more than you need your WH. You are ridding yourself of baggage in all shapes and sizes and colors. I've been reading your posts, following your story, and am continually amazed and impressed at your grace and dignity and strength in this time of crisis. As painful as it is to be the subject of so much salacious whispering, something juicier, something newer will soon come along to displace you. This whole affair and everything feeding it will fade into the distance soon enough while your future SHINES!!! It's definitely not Plan A, but in it, you never have to be second choice again.
Hugs! You are one of my heroes!
your posts actually provide some inspiration to me ... i can see you healing and it gives me hope for myself.
40 more days until my separation is final.
I do feel that my minute by minute day by day is now week by week.
My first week at my new job went really well. It is a 3-6 month contract. I told my STBXH that he should look for a new job. Just makes sense that he should not work for my company. It has not been as financially successful under his reign of 8 months and it would just make it easier if we could limit communication to issues with our kids. Good news is, he agreed without argument so he will start looking for something new and I can eventually roll back to my company.
Bought a new car. My STBXH "bought" me a BMW when I turned 40. I ended up paying it off so never really felt like a gift anyway and is nice to have a fresh new vehicle that does not remind me of him. When I think back of all the things he "bought" me over the years and all those things I really ended up paying for I am a little shocked on how long I let the charade go on. I guess it was easier to let my friends think he was a great guy. In hindsight was not a smart idea because now when people hear we are splitting they are shocked because "he was such a great guy". Well, not really.
Kids are doing better. Had a parent/teacher conference last night and my DD's teacher said my DD actually seems happier than she has been all school year.
Man, I should have pulled this plug years ago then I would not have to have seen what I saw. The visuals are still hard to deal with.
If I could give any advice to anyone out there on the fence about what to do... don't assume staying together is best for the kids and YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND LOVED.
I've decided this song and the way it is performed is my new motto...
Let it Go! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17QQcK4l6Yw
So glad to hear your DD is doing well. How about your son? This is his BF's parents involved, right? I would think this is still a struggle for him. Peace to all of you.
Keep letting us know how you are doing!
Major News Alert!!!
Told my STBXH that I want to convert our Legal Separation to a full divorce so that on April 21st at 10 AM MST we can be truly done with this marriage. My actual words were, "Why don't we just convert this now. I don't see anything changing do you?" His response... "No, I guess not." 18 years of marriage, 2 kids and all the SH** he put me through and that's how it ends...
Part of me is happy he has never even tried to save this marriage but the other part is really sad to think I am simply not worth fighting for.
I swear if I EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN, I will have no doubts as I did on my wedding day back in 1996. If I ever say "I Do" again I will run down the aisle because I want to be with him so badly. I want that kind of love. As burned as I have been I still think it exists and everyone deserves someone that will fight for them.
I get it blind. Your heart is really broken and wounded. Your heart wants some sort of restitution. Anything. But listen to your head with the type of people you are dealing with here. I won't go back to name calling but saying they are very low characters is an understatement and they know it. They are cowards in the truest sense of the word.
Keep the attitude that they are dead to you. All 3. Your husband unfortunately you have to deal with which SUCKS!! If they have ANY sense of goodness, not sure they do, the silence from you is deafening and probably makes them cower even more rather than beg for your forgiveness. If your xBF valued your relationship at all on any level hopefully she feels worse than dogshit and your silence compounds that. Your AssH on the other hand doesn't have any regards for you or he wouldn't have done what he did. So fuck him! Repeat that last sentence as many times as you wish.
Time will eventually heal your heart. You have been so strong with what you have been doing in your life post DDay. Remember that if they were begging for your mercy it wouldn't make you feel any better. Wait. I take that back. It would only make you feel better in the short term. Not the long term.
Keep taking care of yourself blind and remember...
ETA - spelling corrections
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:52 PM, March 14th (Friday)]
Had to go to court ordered parenting class yesterday. It is one of the requirements for getting a divorce in Colorado. Is ridiculous! You don't have to go to a class to have a baby but you have to go to one to get divorced. One of the exercises they made us do is say something nice about your stbx.... "ummmm, he's tall". Is very hard to say anything nice right now. I guess it was a better answer than the lady next to me. "He has a nice truck, maybe it will roll over him."
Tonight I wanted to go to a charity dinner to raise money for a local woman that has been quite sick and is a truly lovely person. Found out my XBF and her A$$H were going to be there so could not do it. My heart starts to race just thinking of having to see them. I wish people in the community that obviously know would tell them they know and how disgusted they are. It pisses me off that they just go on with their lives as if nothing happened. I have vivid dreams about beating the crap out of both of them so I know it would not be healthy to be in the same room with them. I am also fighting the urge to hang a huge sign on their garage door listing what they did for all to see. Really wish I could move away but I can't do that to my kids.
I know it will get easier one day, truly I do but right now this just sucks!
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 9:55 PM, March 16th (Sunday)]
"ummmm, he's tall"
Good one of your own there blind.
Those "friends" of yours...sheesh. Ever think about writing an FU message and NOT sending it to them? Maybe get some things off your chest? Either read the letter out loud and IC, or burn the letter afterwards? Keep up the NC with them.
You are so strong blind you continue to amaze me. I'm going to draw from your strength today. I could use a shot of it myself.
Did not go to my son's championship basketball game last night for fear of running into XBF and her AssH as their son plays on the same team. Hate that I missed it but get physical anxiety thinking about running into them. I vow though it will be the last event I want to go to that I miss.
Told WH today about the anxiety and he said that he talked with them briefly and they have invited him to play tennis. WTF!!!!! He said "he's just not there yet, maybe one day". WTF!!!! I will NEVER be there. I WILL NEVER be able to even look at them again. Play tennis? You have got to be f***ing kidding me? Maybe afterwards they can go back to his house for another tryst!
I vow though it will be the last event I want to go to that I miss.
Good for you. Once you do it; it gets easier. Three years after DD, my friend and I took her elderly Aunt to a fashion show fundraiser. Someone else took Auntie to our table while my friend and I picked up drinks. By the time we got to our table, two seats were left. One right beside the whore. I thought my friend was going to pass out. I said, you must sit beside her. She did. My friend was so pissed because whore kept looking at me. Whore asked my friend a question and my friend never looked at her but just gave a short answer. Right before the fashion show was to begin, Whore and her friend left! I had decided that the building could burn down but I was not leaving!
I am not the one that fucked up. I did not sleep with a married man and pretend to be a good catholic girl. I did not blow my daughter off to sneak around this shitty little town with my lover. Fuck her; fuck them. You go to the next game. You bring a friend with you that knows what has happened that can keep you grounded. My little whore is a coward; she won't speak or even look at me. She sneaks looks. She does not have the balls to attempt a conversation. I am not sure about your "whores". I think you need a plan in the event they try to nice you back in. Probably saying "fuck off" at a kids basketball game is not the best way to go.
I am almost at 5 years past DD. I just saw her in the post office on Tuesday. I don't like it, but I deal with it. I look right at her; I am no coward.
Tonight there is a party at our club for our eighty year old chef. I love her. I need to take our daughter to a party first, but will meet my husband there. Even though the whore is not a member of the club nor has she ever been, she tends to show up. I just hope my hair looks good!
I am in a similar situation, except WH coaches T-ball and OW's daughter is on the same team, so I have to see her at practice and at the games. It is HARD, but I will not allow them to make me feel like I can not go to the games. I am there to support my daughter. At one point after WH admitted having "feelings" for OW in early January he told me "if I were you, I would not go to the T-ball games"....Ok so that made me want to go even more to show them I am strong and not a coward. OW has balls to leave her daughter on the team, but what else do I expect with people who have no morals and feel like they did nothing wrong.
You can't rationalize irrational behavior.
You can do it!!
Wish I was near you sistah. I''d go with you to those games! Is there a friend/family member that you could buddy-up with?
You do find out who your real friends are in a situation like this and the ones I thought were good friends, not so much. They seemed to get more pleasure out of the gossip than really helping me. People I considered more of acquaintances have really been there for me.
As much as I miss my "old life" sometimes, I am really happy to have found these new friends that seem to be much truer friends than I have ever had.
That's been my experience too. During the tragedies in my life I learned who my real friends were/are. The one's that I thought were my closest friends weren't. The one's I became closer to picked me in a sense. The people that became my inner circle were the one's that showed up with actions. Like when they would show up at my house "and bring a handbag with a brick to hit them with if needed."
People that want to be your friend, want to protect you, want to help you...THAT shows character.
Good for you. Once you do it; it gets easier. Three years after DD, my friend and I took her elderly Aunt to a fashion show fundraiser. Someone else took Auntie to our table while my friend and I picked up drinks. By the time we got to our table, two seats were left. One right beside the whore. I thought my friend was going to pass out. I said, you must sit beside her. She did. My friend was so pissed because whore kept looking at me. Whore asked my friend a question and my friend never looked at her but just gave a short answer. Right before the fashion show was to begin, Whore and her friend left! I had decided that the building could burn down but I was not leaving!
I am not the one that fucked up. I did not sleep with a married man and pretend to be a good catholic girl. I did not blow my daughter off to sneak around this shitty little town with my lover. Fuck her; fuck them. You go to the next game. You bring a friend with you that knows what has happened that can keep you grounded. My little whore is a coward; she won't speak or even look at me. She sneaks looks. She does not have the balls to attempt a conversation. I am not sure about your "whores". I think you need a plan in the event they try to nice you back in. Probably saying "fuck off" at a kids basketball game is not the best way to go.
I am almost at 5 years past DD. I just saw her in the post office on Tuesday. I don't like it, but I deal with it. I look right at her; I am no coward.
Tonight there is a party at our club for our eighty year old chef. I love her. I need to take our daughter to a party first, but will meet my husband there. Even though the whore is not a member of the club nor has she ever been, she tends to show up. I just hope my hair looks good!
I am not the one that fucked up. I did not sleep with a married man and pretend to be a good catholic girl. I did not blow my daughter off to sneak around this shitty little town with my lover. Fuck her; fuck them. You go to the next game. You bring a friend with you that knows what has happened that can keep you grounded. My little whore is a coward; she won't speak or even look at me. She sneaks looks. She does not have the balls to attempt a conversation. I am not sure about your "whores". I think you need a plan in the event they try to nice you back in. Probably saying "fuck off" at a kids basketball game is not the best way to go.
I am almost at 5 years past DD. I just saw her in the post office on Tuesday. I don't like it, but I deal with it. I look right at her; I am no coward.
Tonight there is a party at our club for our eighty year old chef. I love her. I need to take our daughter to a party first, but will meet my husband there. Even though the whore is not a member of the club nor has she ever been, she tends to show up. I just hope my hair looks good!
^^^^^THIS!!! Blind, print this out and put it on your mirror!!! put your shoulders back, stride in there and own that event!!!
I would stare them down with looks to kill.
in your mind picture this whole SI community cheering you on and chanting "GO BLIND" "GO BLIND"!!!
once you get your game on, I'm willing to bet you'll see them start to miss games and such.
(HUGS) and GO BLIND!!!!
Last night went to a big community. It was a fundraiser for local high school where my DS goes. At one point I really thought about grabbing the microphone to let the last few people in the room that did not know my business in on the juicy gossip. Was so frustrating...
I either got....
1) Where's your H?
A) We are getting a D. He and my BF decided to have a fling while her H watched. (I also called them out by name)
2) I am so sorry... I heard you and your H were getting a D. (this from so-called friends)
A) Thanks so much for calling to see if I was ok. Really appreciate it. Walk away...
3) My favorite... play dumb but look at you with pathetic feel sorry for you eyes.
A) It's obvious you know. If you want more details just ask.
The part that angered me the most as I would ask these people who told them and I would get "oh, I don't want to say." I think I deserve to know who is stabbing me in the back!!! If you are so concerned over how the other person will react when they get called out for the gossiping they should have thought of that before they did it.
It is so true that after going through something really painful... look around... those that are still standing next to you are your real friends.
Also, heard through the grapevine that one of my XBF's friends committed suicide earlier this week. I really want to call her up and ask her if she slept with her H too?
I guess you would call this the angry phase of this roller coaster...
Also, told my kids the truth last week on the players involved. Spared them the details. Simply said it was Mrs. X and Mr. X not only knew but encouraged it. They needed to know why I cannot forgive their Dad and that we ARE getting a D. They actually took it really well. DS simply said "That's Sick". I said I know, they made a huge mistake but do not blame your BF for what his parent's did. DD said "Well, that explains a lot." and then said she was "a little mad at Daddy." I told her that is to be expected but he still loves her very much. Talked to IC and she said I handled it very well so I am proud of myself for that.
Thanks again for listening and providing feedback. Everyone keeps saying how strong I am but not sure what I would have done had I not found this forum as quickly as I did after DDay. Really appreciate all the responses.
Coming clean to your kids must have been very difficult to say the least. You handled that extremely well and I'm proud of you too. Better they hear directly from you instead of that same rumor mill that you have to deal with.
It's just one more thing to hang on stbxh. He should have been man enough to take that bullet and tell them. But then again, that's why you are here in the first place. Because he is no man and a coward in the truest definition.
It also sounds like you still have a few friends standing around you. That is encouraging news and I'm happy to hear it.
You any closer to taking your company back?
Keep taking care of yourself.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 11:39 AM, April 5th (Saturday)]
I too am stuck in the anger phase-- but I look at it as motivation to do what needs to be done-- and that is move forward with my life and take care of DD6.
You will get through this! You are stronger than you think!
So tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. There are still 16 days for D to be final, ugh! Any suggestions for what to do on the day?
A massage?
Retail therapy?
Ten rounds with a heavy bag?
Bubble bath and a book?
Bonfire fueled by old letters and cards?
Whatever you do, make it something that lifts you up, honey. You deserve that.
I am vowing to myself though that after 10AM tomorrow when the D is final that I will no longer mourn and move ahead.
I know it has only been a little over 3 months since DDay but the betrayal was so HUGE it really has given me no other choice. The amount of lies piled on top of DDay make it much easier to move ahead.
I took my company back over last week (I still have the other short term job I accepted too) so next few months will be very busy. Kids are adjusting well. Had a nice Easter dinner with them tonight after they got back from WH's house for the weekend. Taking my DD to IC on Tuesday just to check up on things but they really do seem to be handling everything quite well.
I am not sure what the next chapter of my life will be but I am hoping this last one was the climax as far as tragedy goes and the next will have a bit more comedy.
I hope I do not become jaded. I hope I can love and trust again one day.
You are strong.
You are right.
You left the marriage with your vows and morals intact.
Your a great mom that is honest with your kids.
There is no doubt in my mind you will love, and be loved again......
Happy Easter.
A new life is waiting for you...
It's been a couple months since my last post and I know many of you are still really struggling. I wanted to post today to maybe give you all some hope that you can come out of this Hell.
For those that have followed my story I wanted to let you know that I am REALLY HAPPY!!! Honestly, have not been this happy in years.
I feel like I have found ME again and I realize now looking back how my WH picked me apart for years.
I think I even posted once how he told me that one of our good friends had supposedly told him "well, who does she think she is going to get?, Look at her." That comment stuck in the back of my head for 7 years.
I ran into that friend a few weeks ago and flat out asked him... his reply... "I swear I never said that and I know I never would because I always thought you were gorgeous." Can't believe I believed that for so long. He really did kill my self esteem over the years.
I have been dating a little and that is weird but fun. Dating in your 20s, guys had no money to take you on real dates. Dating in your 40s... much better : ) Nice dinners, concerts and actual chemistry.
Kids are doing great too. I really do think they see how you react and act accordingly. If you yell and scream or cry all day they are going to internalize. Show them you're happy and they will be happier because of it.
XH and I get along fine for the kids. Try to limit communication to texting, seems to do best but we are very amicable in regards to switching dates with kids etc.
Only real struggle I guess I have is the XBF. I ran into her at the gym the other day. I was so angry that she did not leave when she knew I was there. The lack of respect for my space and lack of remorse just kills me. It's a really small gym with a giant chalkboard for inspirational quotes. I walked over and wrote in huge letter "EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SUCKED MY HUSBAND'S COCK" and walked out. I know it wasn't very mature but I felt better.
I texted her later for the first time since everything happened and asked her to please find another gym. Told her it was the least she could do. We'll see what happens there.
Found out that XBF and her husband are renewing their wedding vows... how sweet. I've thought about sending them a bottle of Menage a Trois.
I want to thank you all again for helping me through my hell and I hope you all have peace and happiness in your lives too.
Just remember, life is too short to wallow in despair. I have watched too many good friends waste years of their lives. If we only get one life try to live it! Honestly your X is not worth it! Much love my friends!
[This message edited by iamsoblind42 at 5:07 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]
OMG!!! That's awesome! Your confidence and attitude has come so far! Love it! Where;s the head explode emoticon from too much laughter.
Send the bottle of Menage a Trois. Least you cold do.
Great to see you out and about.
Glad life is better for you. Keep going. You are an inspiration!
I've thought about sending them a bottle of Menage a Trois.
OMG. ^^^^^this!!!!! Please please please do it.
(((And happiness)))) (cause you don't need strength)
Did a mud run in my wedding dress I just had to share with all of you.
Yes, that is my original wedding dress. Was a blast and threw it in the trash when I was done. Truly freeing.
Just wanted to check in and tell you all that a little over 8 months later I am SUPER happy!
Kids are doing great too.
Couldn't have gotten this far without your support. Wishing you all happiness.
Thank you sharing and glad you are all doing ok!
Glad to see you and the kids are doing so well. Truly brings a big ol tear to my eye. Couldn't be happier for you.
You my friend are an inspiration!
I AM SOOOO PROUD OF YOU ! You HAVE come a long way, Baby ! Have been wondering about you and now know you are doing just fine. And, the mud run in the wedding dress? The BEST ! You're a doll and don't believe anyone who says otherwise.
Glad to know your kiddos are doing well, also. You are proof positive that good things can come from the shit storm cheater spouses bring to their families. You are the epitome of SURVIVING INFIDELITY. YAY FOR YOU !
BTW... I did send the wine
You rock!
I always thought that you had this amazing strength, right from the beginning, you had a list, you went down that list, and didn't stop and until you were done. Perhaps your financial situation also helped knowing you would be ok without him, but regardless, it wash your Strength that got you through that. Really inspiring.
Wish you the best, and enjoy dating!
Stay strong, stay happy.
I really wish I could have been a fly on the wall when they opened that. Menage a Trois!! What a way t kick off their new vows. OMG too funny!!
That wedding dress had to be SO HEAVY with all the mud! But I guess it's just another symbol of some dead weight you carried and finally got rid of!!!! That's just awesome. Truly.
It's good to hear that the kiddos are doing well and that you and XPOS can co-parent amicably. That's the best you can do for your kids.
Way to go!!!!!
I super love the symbolism with the wedding dress mud run.
You are awesome!
Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.