text:
Ned Martin's Amused
A collection of things that amused me: I believe you can tell a lot about a person from what amuses them, or sometimes, what doesn't amuse them. So, when I come across something that amuses me, this is where it goes.
Find things which have amused me recently, or browse around the categories below.
Printed on 100% recycled electrons.
Ned Martin's Amused Categories
aboriginal accident advertising africa alcohol america animals animated apple art audio australia babies balloons bananas banks batman beaches bears beer bikes billboards birds blonde board games boats bones boobs books bras bread brisbane britain browsers bsod bugs bunnies buses business cards calendars canada cars cartoons carving cats chairs charts chickens children chocolate chrome clippit cocaine coffee comics communist computer games computers condoms cooking cows crocodiles daleks darth vader dating democracy dinosaurs disaster dogs donkeys driving drugs drunk ducks earthquake easter education eggs einstein elephants emus english evolution explosions facebook families famous people fashion feminine hygiene fire firefox fish fishing flash flowcharts fonts food football france frogs fruit games gay geeky george bush giraffes girls grammar guns halloween hands harry potter hats heaven history horses illusion imagery internet internet explorer ios ipad iphone iphone 6 irish it jewish jobs joke jokes kangaroos kevin rudd kitchens kittens koalas kristen stewart languages laptops libraries linux lions logan lord of the rings love mac marijuana marriage math mayans medical men meth microsoft milk mobiles money monopoly mothers motorbikes movies movie stars music musicians muslim new zealand ninjas nokia north korea nsw obama ocd opera otters parenting parking parrots penguins phones photography pie charts pigs pirates pizza police political posters predictions pregnancy protests puns quotations rabbits racist rallies redheads redneck relationships religious rice risqué roads robots rocks romance safari samsung school science seals sex sexist sharks ships shirts shoes shops signs sms snakes snow spiders sport sports spying sql star wars steve jobs stickers superman tattoos teachers technology terrorism the rock toilets tongues tools toys trucks turtles tv underwear university vegetables vintage war whales wifi wikileaks windows wine witches women woolworths words work zebras zombies
My Dog Bailey Tried To Steal Stuff Out Of My Daughter's Purse.
My dog Bailey tried to steal stuff out of my daughter's purse. He got stuck and came over to me for help.
A Lemur Who Has Discovered The Wondrousness Of Cupcakes For The Fist Time.
A lemur who has discovered the wondrousness of cupcakes for the fist time.
There Are Two Rules For Success
There are two rules for success: Never reveal everything you know…
I Will Deprive You Of Sex
I will deprive you of sex all night with my crying and then suck on your wife's tits in the morning.
Women's Monopoly
By a man…
Escape From The Kitchen
You thought you could escape from the kitchen didn't you?
Xbox One Vs. An Ordinary Brick
Xbox One vs. An Ordinary Brick: Price, DRM Free, Requires Internet, Region Locked…
Spider Dog
Spider Dog…
Australian Monopoly
Australian Monopoly: St Marys to Penrith Special Edition.
The Adventures Of TinTin: TinTin In Wynnum
The Adventures of TinTin: TinTin in Wynnum.
Message From Your IT Deptartment
Message from your IT Deptartment…
An Irish Daughter Had Not Been To Her Parent's House For Over Five Years...
An Irish daughter had not been to her parent's house for over five years…
Penguin Falls
Penguin falling on ice.
Christmas Lights: Ditto
Ditto to that…
Perfect Riddle
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met…
Sometimes I Sit On The Floor And Put My Arms Around My Knees And Lean Forward
Dad: Sometimes I sit on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward. Daughter: Huh? Dad: Cuz that's how I roll!
Words Women Use
Words women use, and what they really mean.
Stolen Generator
So I heard about the stolen generation…
Amazing Hidden Images
Amazing Hidden Images!
Better Memory
What do we want? Better memory! When do we want it? Want what?
Proposing With An Onion
Proposing with an onion: Guaranteed to cry.
Apostrophe, Catastrophe
Apostrophe, Catastrophe.
It's Just One Of Those Days
A baby elephant falls in the mud.
Fire Distinguisher
Fire Distinguisher: Yep, that's fire…
Using AOL? Mind If We LOL?
Using AOL? Mind if we LOL?
Hot Air Balloons
Hot Air Balloons - Boring 99% of the time.
Seize The Day
Seize The Day: Sign up for the Epilepsy Awareness Walk.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me…
Told Her Not To Brag About Her Barbie Dream House…
Told her not to brag about her barbie dream house…
To Wake Up Gay In The Morning…
To wake up gay in the morning just try this at Bedtime Tonight!
The Evolution Of Man And Woman
The Evolution of Man & Woman…
Imaginary Friend
Aww, how cute. He has an imaginary friend!
Free Air Guitars
Christmas Gift Ideas: Free Air Guitars.
Square Bike
Surprisingly good riding down stairs… not so good on the flat.
Only In America...
Only in America…
Cockroach Cancer
Please, don't throw your cigarette butts on the floor…
National Portrait Gallery
National Portrait Gallery. National Landscape Gallery…
The Bank Account Gas Ratio
The depressing ratio between your bank account, and your gas tank.
Costello's Reward For Being Loyal
Costello's reward for being loyal…
Browsers: Their Differences
The differences between the major web browsers.
browsers chrome firefox imagery internet explorer opera safari
Why Do Java Developers Wear Glasses?
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C#!
Winter Knitting
What are you going to knit this winter?
Suicidal Bananas
A collection of suicidal bananas.
Isn't It Time You Gave Yourself A Christmas Gift?
Isn't it time you gave yourself a Christmas Gift?
Amusing Chat
Humour from the world of Internet Chat
Just Some Bunny That I Used To Know
Now you're just some bunny that I used to know.
Acrobat Reader
An acrobat reader…
Kermit Sees The Doctor
Have a seat Kermit. What I'm about to tell you might come as a big shock…
Be The First Of Your Friends To Like This Post.
A post with a poster on it, "Be the first of your friends to like this post".
So We Got Pugsy A New Chew Toy…
So we got Pugsy a new chew toy…
The World's Funniest Joke
The World's Funniest Joke…
The Australian Constitution: For Iraq
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq…
A Cop Just Pulled Me Over And Said "Papers"
A cop just pulled me over and said "Papers"… so I said "Scissors, I win" and drove off…
Secrets To A Long, Happy Marriage
An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine…
A Baby's Laughter Is One Of The Most Beautiful Sounds You'll Ever Hear
A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you'll ever hear. Unless it's 3 AM, you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.
Where She Belongs
Keep her where she belongs…
Just Checking
"Just doing a spot-check to see what you're doing… Yup, sitting at your computer again!" The expression on this ostrich's face is excellent.
Drafting Guys Over 60
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
To Punch A Dolphin In The Mouth
5 very good reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth.
Holiday Workout
Holiday Workout: Three corkscrews.
Draw Bridge
A man drawing a bridge at a "draw bridge" sign.
A Middle-aged Woman Decides To Have A Facelift…
A middle-aged woman decides to have a facelift…
Math Problem
John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
Grammar Matters
Two Google searches: One for "how can u" and one for "how can an individual"
Video Games Don't Make Us Violent – Lag Does!
Video games don't make us violent – lag does!
Effective Birth Control
The most effective birth control method known to man.
You Can't Beat Stupid…
I wish they would invent something to keep the sun out of my eyes…
Schrödinger's Cat
Wanted: Dead & Alive…
Apple IOS6 Maps
For the benefit of passengers using Apple iOS6, local area maps are available from the booking office.
90's Gamer
Everytime I hear people complain about online gaming, I wish they could experience my pain of online gaming in the 90's…
Speed Camera Hack
Car with SQL injection taped to the front.
Have a little look at the Internet…
Times Have Changed
An image from an operating manual for the SAGE air defense system
The Park Anywhere Button
Self-explanatory really.
Balloons Are So Weird…
Balloons are so weird… "Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"
Realistic Remotes
Some more useful remote controls we would like to see.
I See Dumb People
I see dumb people… They are everywhere!
Monster Energy Drinks & Rubiks Cubes
Monster energy drinks & Rubiks Cubes: Dude. You have a problem. Problem solved!
Spring Is Here. I'm So Excited I Wet My Plants!
Spring is here. I'm so excited I wet my plants!
Kim, Eat A Snickers
Kim Jong-un: I'm going to nuke everyone. Kim, eat a Snickers. Kim: Why? Because you turn into a war mongler when you're hungry. Better? Kim: Better.
Creative Apple MacBook Stickers
A collection of creative Apple MacBook stickers & decals.
apple computers decals imagery laptops mac macbook stickers technology
Three Little Piggies
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night…
Misleading The Public
$100 for speeding and $250 for misleading the public…
Windows: File Missing
Windows cannot find the file. Would you like some wine instead?
Mad Magazine's Boy Grows Up
The boy from Mad Magazine morphing into George Bush.
The Pope Is Busted
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo…
Mayan, Aztec And Oreos
Mayan, Aztec and Oreos…
Men & Women In Sport
Women: No problem girls… I can go on. Men: Ahhhh! I'm dying.
OCD Bricks
The worst thing that can happen to an OCD person…
Valve's "Portal", As An IPad Decoration.
Valve's "Portal", as an iPad decoration.
May The 4th Be With You
If today is "May the 4th be with you" does that mean tomorrow is "revenge of the 5th?"
"Hi Honey. This Is Daddy. Is Mummy Near The Phone?"
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?
Your Child Is Being Eaten By A Camel
Your child is being eaten by a camel. Do you… a) Save your child, or b) Take a photo?
Banana Hat
Banana hat…
Spellcheck Not Needed
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy…
IKEA Product Recall
IKEA product recall advert on April Fools Day
Can February March? No, But April May.
Can February March? No, but April May.
Microphone Eyes
Microphone Eyes.
Zombie Evolution
The evolution of Zombies
Seven Sharks
If you own 7 cats then people will think you're crazy…
Sorry For Party Rocking
Sorry for Party Rocking: Driver jumps from burning bus, party bus explodes in Inala.
Olden Day Slide To Unlock
Slide to unlock: Apple patent #1964022.
Boat! Land!
Boat! Land!
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party…
Cat: The Dog Went Missing
Cat: The dog went missing? Hahaha! Hahaha! I'm sorry human. Hahaha… no seriously, I'm so sad…
Thinking Outside The Square
A sideways television.
Mayans Predicting The Hobbit Movie
Keep calm. The Mayans were simply counting down to The Hobbit movie.
But God, She Won't Even Make Me A Sandwich…
But God, She Won't Even Make Me a Sandwich…
Athens Olympic Soccer Stadium
The Athens Olympic Stadium…
And Then I Said
And Then I Said… The Differences Between Boys & Girls.
Bacon Tree
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food…
Home Mechanics
Home Mechanics and their cars.
Wireless Networks
Wireless networks could save your life!
I Used To Smile… Until I Worked Retail.
I used to smile… until I worked retail.
Girl's And Boy's Diaries
A girl and a boy and their diaries…
A Case In Communism: The Super Mario Story
A Case in Communism: The Super Mario Story.
Blonde Betting
A very attractive blonde woman arrived at a Vegas casino…
Angela Merkel Arrives At Passport Control At Paris Airport…
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."
No Science In This Microwave
Food only. Absolutely no science in this microwave.
Escape Egg
Counting down the days to escape…
Australian Kiss
Australian Kiss: same as a French Kiss… but down under.
Green Banana
Green banana…
How Dishwashers Really Work
How dishwashers really work…
Pages By Date
A list of all the pages, sorted by their last updated or creation dates.
France Surrenders To North Korea
France surrenders to North Korea
Australian Banks
Australian Bank Logos.
Redneck Ingenuity
Redneck Ingenuity: Shoes for tyres.
Michelangelo: The Re-enactment
A re-enactment of Michelangelo's famous "The Creation of Adam".
art imagery michelangelo paintings reenactment sistine chapel
Complimentary Pretzels
A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
I Tried Pot Once. Now I'm Gay!
I tried pot once. Now I'm gay!
Speed Reader
Wow you read that fast! You must be a speed reader!
Cars And Computers
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did…
25 Year Old Escort
But Mr. Berlusconi, you said, "Send a 25 years old escort to my villa!"
Aussie Men
Aussie men… struggling with the booze…
Do You Ever Get So Angry…
Do you ever get so angry… you throw a VCR at a burning bus?
Feminine Instincts
If a girl ever pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her feminine instincts will kick in and she'll make you a sandwich.
You Can See Me?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone I will look at them shocked and just whisper quietly, "you can see me?"
Aboriginal Spongebob Spotted In Cairns
Aboriginal Spongebob spotted in Cairns.
Unicorn, Unitard, Unicycle
Unicorn in a unitard on a unicycle.
A Woman's Wish
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods…
Congress: Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?
Congress: have you tried turning it off and on again?
Get In The Llama
No time to explain! Get in the llama…
Hebrew Cave Paintings
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols…
Aboriginal Jobs
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Aboriginal bloke…
Animated Coffee
Coffee with emotion.
Fingers Move
I think you're spending too much time on the computer. Your fingers move when you talk…
Men Vs. Women
Men versus women…
Car Alarms
Car alarms: They piss me off!
The Harder A Wife Works, The Cuter She Looks
So the harder a wife works, the cuter she looks!
Zombies! Oh, wait… false alarm, it's just the Rolling Stones… carry on!
I Love The Smell Of Pixel In The Morning
I Love the Smell of Pixel in the Morning…
Marriage: Before & After (Chicken Style)
Marriage: Before & After (Chicken Style).
Dead Snowmen
Gruesomely dead snowmen.
The History Of The World
The History of the World, as written by the next generation…
IPhone 5 Plus Versus Nokia 3310
iPhone 6 Plus versus Nokia 3310: Does it bend?
Dormeyer Crying Wives
Wives: Look this ad over carefully. Circle the items you want for Christmas. Show it to your husband. If he does not go to the store immediately, cry a little…
Annual Meeting Of Time Travellers
Annual Meeting of Time Travellers.
Simple Eye Examination Test
A simple eye examination chart.
Peanut Delivery
Peanut Delivery…
Emergency: Out Of Order
Please do not have an emergency!
Having More Money Doesn't Make You Happier
"Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million"
Go Home Bus, You're Drunk!
Go home bus, you're drunk!
Step Ladder
The Troubles of Being a Step Ladder…
Horny Pirate's Worst Nightmare
What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
I Think I Might Stay Home Tonight…
I think I might stay home tonight… Liver and Wallet like this.
You Never Listen To Me…
You never listen to me! You only hear what you want to hear!
Draw Fake Eyebrows On Your Baby
Draw fake eyebrows on your baby. Then sit back and enjoy the humour.
Nana Nana Nana Batman!
Nana Nana Nana Batman!
Slur In Cursive
When I drink, I don't slur my words… I speak in cursive.
A Shaved Llama
A shaved Llama
Cat In A Cat Box
A cat in a Cat box.
I Said Be Quiet! Don't Make Me Come In There!
I said be quiet! Don't make me come in there!
Marry Me
Scrabble Edition.
Wireless Technology
"It is a bit freaky with this wireless technology"
Oh… Hi… Umm… Meow?
Oh… hi… Umm… meow?
Stupid Child Efficiency Mop
Stupid Child Efficiency Mop. Wipe high-efficiently.
IDK LY TTYL: I don't know, love you, talk to you later.
What Animals Dream...
What animals dream.
Hearing Aids
Hearing aids…
"Understanding Women" Now Available In Paperback
The book "Understanding Women" is now available in paperback!
Water Enhanced Breasts
Water Enhanced Breasts…
DBA/SQL Humour
An SQL query walks into a bar, goes up to two tables and asks, "May I join you?"
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.
Ninja Exit
Ninja Exit Only
CIA Assassin
The CIA had an opening for an assassin…
Punny Animals
Who ever invented the "knock-knock jokes" should get a no-bell prize!
animals beavers birds cats dogs fish frogs horses imagery puns rabbits zebra
Australian Bank Notes
Australian Bank Notes.
Don't Let Kevin Bacon Die
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have No Cash, No Hope and No Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
Math Instruction
At Heathrow Airport today…
The Matrix
What is The Matrix?
Boob Staring
Shirt: Please tell your boobs to quit staring at my eyes.
There Are Three Kinds Of People: Impatient, Patient, And Rich.
There are three kinds of people: Impatient, patient, and rich.
Men's Rules
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side…
Blow In Her Face
Blow in her face and she'll follow you anywhere.
Wife Of Pi
He's irrational and he goes on and on…
Filthy Hobitses
Filthy Hobitses
Amusing Quotes & One-Liners
Amusing Quotes & One-Liners.
All This Technology Is Making Us Antisocial
All this technology is making us antisocial: A tram full of people ignoring each other and reading the newspaper.
Technology For Country Folk
Technology for Country Folk.
Mailman Jumped 15 Feet
Mailman jumped 15 feet. Dog was right. This is fun.
What Women Want
Who are we? Women! What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? NOW!
Mayan Joke Set-Up
Heh… I've just thought of a joke with the longest set-up ever! Cool! I'll fetch a scribe…
Bacon Seed
Bacon seed.
Be Bold
Be bold or italic. Never regular.
IE Retarded
I hope he doesn't say something retarded…
browsers chrome firefox geeky imagery internet internet explorer opera safari
Robert De Niro, De Faro
First Robert De Niro, then Robert De Faro.
Martha Stewart's New Digs
Martha Stewart's New Digs
Melbourne Cup Cat Horse
Melbourne Cup Cat Horse.
animals australia cats horse racing horses imagery jockeys melbourne cup sport
Kneel, Says The Demon Light
Stop says the red light, go says the green. Wait says the yellow light, twinkling in between. Kneel, says the demon light, with its eye of coal. Sauron knows your licence plate, and stares into your soul.
Premature Ejaculators Anonymous
Man stating he 'came too soon' in front of sign stating 'premature ejaculators anonymous'.
For Too Long The Voice Of Women Has Been Silenced
For too long the voice of women has been silenced. It's time they had microphones in kitchens.
Suffering From Capitalism
Feeling sad and depressed? Are you anxious? Worried about the future? Feeling isolated and alone? You might be suffering from Capitalism.
Your Computer Is Broadcasting Your IP...
Your computer is broadcasting your IP over the Internet…
Customer Retention
Free Phone Telstra Style.
Black Jack Black
Black Jack Black eating Cracker Jack playing a black jack while playing BlackJack with Jack Black who is threatening Black Jack Black with a Black Jack.
2 Mayan Guys
[2 Mayan Guys] Wanna beer? I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.
The Ego Boost Urinal
The Ego Boost Urinal.
Future Man
So you're saying people will "tweet" what they're eating for breakfast?
Mayan's Beta Calendar Bug
…to get to the point; why does your calendar end in 2012? Oh, that's just a temporary problem in the beta version!
The Modern Day Romantic
Goodnight my beautiful girl I'm so lucky to have you in my life. I love you so much <3
The Way Girls Play Computer Games
The way girls play computer games.
Bribing Santa
Dear Santa, if you leave a new bike under the tree, I will give you the antidote to the poison I put in the milk.
All Images
All Images
Crayon Gun
A fantastic gun made from many every-day items.
Child Beating
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama…
I Just Burned 1500 Calories In About Five Minutes
I just burned 1500 calories in about five minutes. I forgot the pizza was in the oven.
Got To Love Drunk People
>A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door…
The Last Known Picture Taken Of Grandpa
A woman inadvertently points a gun towards a man.
I Love My BSOD
Perhaps the only blue screen of death geeks would be happy to see.
boobs bsod computers fashion geeky imagery microsoft sexist shirts windows women
Delete Cookies
Delete cookies?!
Firefox Has Encountered…
…an unexpected problem with Windows.
What Is A Sonofabitch?
What is a sonofab*tch, exactly?
Popular Sayings #38
Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.
L33t H4x0r R0m30 4nd Jul13t
Tales for the L33T - ROMEO+JULIET
I Can't Believe The "WMD" Trick Is Working Again With Iran
I can't believe the "WMD" trick is working again with Iran. Suckers…
george bush imagery iran political weapons of mass destruction wmd
CIA: We Put The Coke In America
CIA: we put the coke in America.
Best Way To Freak Out Your Friends
Best way to freak out your friends: Do not open unless you plan to kill it (written on an upside down container)
Calm Living
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Chris Brown & Rihanna Bananas
I can't believe she didn't press charges. It got worse when he posted the unpeeled photos of her.
Cats And Dogs
As seen in a dog's diary…
If Your Phone Gets Wet, Try Placing It In A Bag Of Rice
If your phone gets wet, try placing it in a bag of rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.
You Have A Nice… Business Card
A business card: "You have a nice… {day, ass, attitude}.
You Know You Are Having A Bad Day When…
You know you are having a bad day when…
What to do when you're locked inside your car, and the keys are outside…
Basic Human Needs
Basic human needs… like Wi-Fi.
All Trades Logan
All Trades Logan.
Happy Pussy
A collection of amusing cat pictures.
Tired? Powernap Now.
Tired? Powernap now.
Woman With A Cold
The difference between men & women when they are sick.
We Forgot Our Shovels
A road crew foreman calls into the shop. Foreman: "We have a problem."
Spring Is Just Around The Corner
Finally… Spring is just around the corner.
American Measures
American Measures: An Arbitrary Retarded Rollercoaster
Shark! What?
Shark! What?
Fifteen Things To Do At The Supermarket…
Fifteen things to do at the supermarket while your spouse is taking their sweet time…
And I Was All Like, Pew Pew Pew!
And I was all like, pew pew pew! Pew pew pew! 'Merica!
To Avoid Perpetuating Gender Stereotypes
To avoid perpetuating gender stereotypes, I gave my daughter a mix of dolls and toy cars to play with. This is what happened…
Cute Party Trick
Man with finger up nose and out of eye.
Irony: Drawing Trees On Paper
Irony: Drawing trees on paper.
I Scream Cone
I Scream Cone.
Toilet Paper
A piece of toilet paper saving another piece…
How To Get A Day Off Work
How to get time off in the public service…
"I may have alzheimer's, but at least I don't have alzheimer's"
Please Use Tongue.
Do not touch bread with hands. Please use tongue.
Polished My Car Too Much
Polished my car too much, now it's invisible…
A True Australian Ghost Story
This story happened a short while ago near Brisbane, and even though it sounds a little Alfred Hitchcock… it's (supposedly) true.
Now Airtight
Now airtight… to prevent aging!
I Wish These Were Brains
Sexist, but contains breasts…
Google+ Versus Facebook
Google Plus versus Facebook
Label Instructions
French Label Instructions
Have You Seen Pulp Fiction?
Have you seen Pulp Fiction? Yeah, but I didn't like it.
Times Change
…but other things don't.
Dream Girl
Girl on beach with six breasts.
Whenever I Have To Force Shutdown
Whenever I have to force shutdown.
Eminem Drug Bust
Eminem Drug Bust.
Not Allowed
When a dog is all out of luck.
Granny LSD
Boy asks his Granny, "Have you seen my pills labelled 'LSD'?"
Papercut Locator
Papercut Locator.
101 Things You Do Not Want...
101 Things You Do Not Want Your System Administrator to say.
Tough Tattoos
Tough Tattoos: You Don't Have to Like Me.
Sorry: A Bus Accident
Sorry: A Bus Accident
Our Education System
[To an assorted group of animals] Our Education System: For a fair selection everybody has to take the same exam: Please climb that tree.
animals dogs education elephants exams fish imagery monkeys penguins school seals
What Is The Smallest Calibre You Trust To Protect Yourself?
I remember one time while hiking with my girlfriend in northern Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us, and was she mad!
Morning Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning…
Hair Dryer
Darling, please give me the hair dryer…
A Cat With A Lion's Mane Hat
A cat with a lion's mane hat.
Finding Information In Hospital
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital…
Entero Somewhere Elso
English: Do Not Enter Here; Spanish: Entero Somewhere Elso.
Declaration Of A Software Professional
Declaration of a Software Professional.
Will Not Load Fully
This picture will not load fully!
Geek Meditation Session
In your mind's browser, clear your cache… now delete your history… now navigate to a blank web page…
Make Some More Mistakes
I've learned so much from my mistakes… I'm thinking of making a few more.
Fight Apathy
…or don't.
Sex Maniac
Dear Dr Ruth, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years…
**** I Forgot To Turn Off The Oven
**** I forgot to turn off the oven.
Wrong Button
Fighter jet hits the wrong button.
Winter Classes For Men
Winter Classes for Men at the Learning Centre for Adults
Shortest Horror Story: Monday
Shortest horror story: Monday.
Bob Hawke's Yard Of Ale
While at university at Oxford in 1963, Bob Hawke, former Prime Minister of Australia, entered the Guinness Book of Records here at the Turf Tavern after downing a yard of ale (that's just over 2½ pints!) in just 11 seconds.
Happier With A Hoover
Christmas morning she'll be happier with a Hoover.
My Pet Rock Ran Away
My Pet Rock Ran Away…
How to RTFM…
Pasta Truck
A pasta truck, or a very large pasta.
How To Pick Up Chicks
Instructional guide on how to pick up chicks.
Facebook Illusion
Facebook: Providing the illusion you have friends since 2004!
Carrot Love
When carrots get kinky…
How To Know When You've Met A Democrat
Just in case you have trouble knowing when you've met a Democrat…
The Dead Rabbit
The Dead Rabbit, aka The Worst Joke Ever…
Disclaimer, Copyright & Contact Information
Feel free to send me anything you think might amuse me.
How Many Does It Take...
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
Aboriginal Eggs
Two Aboriginal lads are riding along the Hume Highway on a motorbike…
A Wee Turtle
A wee turtle…
Rhino Painting
A rhinoceros painting…
How To Be Green
A boardgame: How to be Green…
Windows Frozen
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning, "Windows frozen."
Master Has Presented Dobby With Clothes! Dobby Is Free!
Well I'm grounded. WTF did you do this time? My Mum asked me to do the laundry and threw a sock at me… I ran away screaming "Master has presented Dobby with clothes! Dobby is free!"
Roast Turkey With A Doll Head
I was watching TV when I head my Dad in the kitchen laughing to himself. When I got up to see what he was doing, I walked in on this…
A Ship Shipping Ship Shipping Shipping Ships.
A ship shipping ship shipping shipping ships.
Slide To Unlock
A woman wearing a shirt: Slide to Unlock.
Microsoft Car
Microsoft and General Motors on the Automobile.
Six Die In Horror Smash
Six Die in Horror Smash.
All Your Base...
All your base are belong to us.
It's A Whale
How do you have any friends…
Adult Dog Store
A dog carries an inflatable leg from an Adult Dog Store.
The Poodle And The Leopard
Experience trumps youth.
You Look Fine
Instead of a mirror, a sign "you look fine".
Banana Sausage
Banana sausage…
Wurst Nightmare
Hi. I'm your wurst nightmare.
Just Being A Cat
Dog attacks person. Put dog to sleep. Cat attacks person. LOL, jus' bein' a cat.
Windows. Still the most used operating system, and undoubtedly the most abused.
Low Battery Warning
Plug in or find another power source. Or panic now!
Dangerous Australia
It's no wonder we all live here…
Achilles' Heel
You got a dog?! Yup! His name is Achilles…
Monopoly Money For Fake Boobs
I think it's only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
Kiwi Air Disaster
New Zealand's worst air disaster occurred earlier today…
I Was Going To Make A Joke About A Bank, But Then I Lost Interest…
I was going to make a joke about a bank, but then I lost interest…
Hard To Pay Fine
Touching wires causes instant death…
Random Number
A simple function to return a random number.
Pop Out Of Bed
If people were meant to pop out of bed we'd all sleep in toasters.
Pass With Care
Pass with care…
Notice is hereby given…
Mating Bulls
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls…
EUNUCH Programmer's Manual - CONDOM(1)
The EUNUCH Programmer's Manual - CONDOM(1)
Telstra Customer Service
An insight into the Telstra Customer Service Experience.
Womb Service
Hello, Womb Service? I'd like a double order of hot wings…
She Made That Clown Extremely Happy
She made that clown extremely happy.
Antique Tables
Made Daily…
Look At This Boob
Look at this boob. This is a nice boob.
Legend Of Zelda
A legend… of Zelda.
Illogical Lego
Illogical Lego.
The Ant And The Grasshopper
The Original Story of the Ant and the Grasshopper.
An Aussie Taxidermist In New Zealand…
An Aussie Taxidermist in New Zealand…
Misunderstood Sharks
Misunderstood Sharks.
Yoga Emergency Hotline
Yoga Emergency Hotline, how may I help you?
Giraffe Egg
Giraffe Egg.
A Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love…
How People From Around The World Open Beer
People from around the world opening beer in their own unique ways.
An IT Student Is Walking Along With His Bike…
An IT student is walking along with his bike…
Woman With PMS
Woman with PMS.
Legoland Will Never Be The Same...
Legoland will never be the same…
You Matter
You are living, you occupy space, you have a mass… you matter.
More Expressions Than Kristen Stewart
Still more expressions than Kristen Stewart.
I Think It Is Just Terrible And Disgusting How Everyone Has Treated Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
Evolution: Stop Following Me!
The typical "evolution of man" poster, except the man is facing his "earlier ancestors" saying "Stop following me!"
Things Don't Really Change
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
How Did You Get In My House?
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need. Not all this "How did you get in my house?" business.
Blacks For Sale
They can still do that?
I Usually Get 9/11
I don't always get rated on my terrorism attacks, but when I do, I usually get 9/11.
Drug Cats
An illustrated cat-guide to drugs…
acid animals cats cocaine coffee drugs heroin imagery marijuana mushrooms shrooms weed
Lance Armstrong Fiction Books
All non-fiction Lance Armstrong books including "Lance Armstrong: Images of a Champion", "The Lance Armstrong Peprformance Program" and "Lance Armstrong: World's Greatest Champion" will soon be moved to the fiction section.
I'm Glad You're Up
I've put all of your folded shirts on the floor for you.
Attention Deficit Disorder
Ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like TV? I saw a rock. Hi.
Communist Traitor
It looks like you're a Communist traitor…
When Someone Yells "STOP"…
When someone yells "STOP", I never know if it's in the name of love, it's Hammertime, or I should collaborate and listen…
Mystery Books
You have to find them first…
Ginger Versus Strawberry Blonde
This is a strawberry. This is ginger…
Vodka Diet: Lose 3 Days In 1 Week
Vodka Diet: Lose 3 Days in 1 Week.
Like If You Can Raed Tihs
Like if you can raed tihs whit no porlqebm baecuas yuor jsut taht sarmt.
Halloween Squirrel
A squirrel got its head stuck in a Halloween decoration and terrified a neighbourhood…
Tarzan Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex…
Stress Management
A stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts.
Are Those Yours?
…they're turning out so big and cute!
That Conspiracy Stuff
I'm telling you – the man and the dog are definitely working together…
Australian Condoms
New Zealand runs out of condoms…
American State Mottos
American State Mottos…
Stop! Hammer Time
Stop! Hammer Time!
It Looks Like You Are Wasting Office Supplies. Would You Like Some Help?
Clippit: It looks like you are wasting office supplies. Would you like some help?
Notepad Business Card
A business card styled to look like Windows Notepad.
How To Fix Any Computer
A comprehensive guide to fixing any computer.
Television Benefits Your Children
How television benefits your children.
General Hierarchical Management Structure
I've never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.
Abbott And Costello Go To Washington
Abbott And Costello Go To Washington.
Foot Smart
See if you can outsmart your foot…
Temptation, by a soon to be married man.
A Little Hand
I wish you could give me a little hand…
Piracy Is Not Theft
Imagine your car gets stolen, but it's still there in the morning.
Time Breakdown Of Modern Web Design
The breakdown of modern web design.
I Am Hungary
I am Hungary…
Sabrina Projects
Sabrina demonstrates the world's finest projection equipment…
Drop Bears – Department Of Dangerous Fauna Management
Dropbears are a very real danger to all Australians. Almost one in ten Australians has been attacked by a Dropbear, and the rate is even higher for foreign visitors. Don't become another statistic. Always beware low branches and doorframes. Look up. Stay Alive.
Apple IPhone 20 & Samsung Galaxy S23 – Sword & Shield
A mock-up of the iPhone 20 and Samsung Galaxy S23, after the launch of the "taller" iPhone5 & the larger Galaxy S3.
advertising apple imagery iphone phones samsung samsung galaxy technology
An Atheist, A Jew, And A Christian Walk Into A Bar…
An atheist, a Jew, and a Christian walk into a bar…
Upsetting The Food Chain
A zebra on a motorbike…
Doctor Bob Had Sex With One Of His Patients…
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long…
Call Of Duty: Women's Edition
Call of Duty: Women's Edition.
U.S. Ship Versus Canadian
U.S. Ship versus Canadian.
…and So It Was.
It's a Bird! It's a Plane!
Grow Some Balls
Why do people say 'grow some balls'?
I stay up late every night, and realise it's a bad idea every morning.
Human Hotfix
Hotfix Patch for Humans released.
Ferrari Sack Pit Crew
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday…
This Banana Tastes Funny
"This banana tastes funny" – George Bush.
The Mayan Calendar
I only had enough room to go up to 2012…
Your There
They're they are.
Flying Ants
How ants began to fly…
Browser Wars
Browser Wars: Chrome versus Firefox… and Internet Explorer…
browsers chrome firefox geeky imagery internet internet explorer
XBOX Girlfriend
A real girlfriend does not complain when her boyfriend is on his xbox…
Feeling Sluggish
I've been feeling a bit sluggish…
Flower Porn
Even flowers do it…
Vegetative State
Vegetative State.
How Many Mice Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Superman's Social Network Nightmare
Superman's Social Network Nightmare.
Patriotic Retirement Plan
Ms Gillard's Patriotic Retirement Plan.
Afterburn - Whom Do You See?
Relax and concentrate on the four small dots in the middle of the picture…
The Bat Cave
The location of our Bat Cave is meant to be secret, so stop checking in!
Minecraft: Create A Simple Door
Describe a process that could be used to create a simple door.
computer games education games imagery internet minecraft school tests
Irish Yoga
Irish Yoga.
A BMW Donkey
A BMW donkey. Not much more to be said really.
Procrastination Issues
I'm taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Girlfriends: Harry Potter Versus Twilight
Ginny: When Harry broke up with me for my safety…
Steady Hand – A Game Of Skill
A game of skill, requiring a steady hand and keen eye – make sure you play at least the first two levels…
Evening Classes For Men
Instructive evening classes for men…
Cook – That's What Wives Are For!
The Chef does everything but cook – that's what wives are for!
Jack's Phone
Why aren't you answering…?
@KimKardashian @kanyewest Yo I'm Happy For You And Imma Let You Finish But Beyonce Had One Of The Best Labours Of All Time.
[Twitter] Taylor Swift: @KimKardashian @kanyewest Yo I'm happy for you and imma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best labours of all time.
babies imagery kanye west kim kardashian phones sms taylor swift twitter
The Loving Husband
A man had two of the best tickets for the opening State of Origin match. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him…
I'm Not Just Another Brick In The Wall
We don't need no education…
Caution: Door May Open
Caution: Door May Open.
Drowning, LOL!
If you see someone drowning… LOL!
I'm So Sick Of Not Being Understood!
I'm so sick of not being understood! What do you mean?
The Mystery Of The Mayan Calendar Revealed
At last, the mystery of the Mayan calendar revealed.
america calendars imagery mayans obama political predictions
How To Eat Pussy…
How to eat pussy…
Melt Ice With My Mind
I can melt ice with my mind… just give me a few minutes…
A Beer Before It Starts
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts"…
IPad Stone
iPad versus a stone.
Talking Clock
Why, that's my Talking Clock…
Not A Happy Camper
Not a Happy Camper.
Something Went Terribly Wrong
Something, somewhere went terribly wrong.
The Most Difficult Thing To Explain To Someone From The 1950s
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about life today?
Facebook Sex
Taking status updates too far.
There Was A Spider, I Panicked
There was a spider, I panicked. But I think it's gone now.
The Divorce Rate Among My Socks Is Astonishing.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
How Mother And Baby "Picked Up"
Blatz Beer: How Mother and Baby "Picked Up".
Charlie Sheen For Halloween
No, you can't be Charlie Sheen for Halloween.
Interesting ATM
Man using a sexually provocative ATM.
She Might Scratch The Paint
I know what you're thinking… she might scratch the paint.
Statistics That Matter: The Pie Chart
A new take on the traditional pie… chart.
Orders From A Rock
[On a rock] Turn me over. You just took orders from a rock.
Trapped Miners
The first photo of the trapped miners…
He's Gonna Upgrade Your Tablets…
Moses, meet Steve. He's gonna upgrade your tablets…
I See What You Did There
I see what you did there… also, over here…
Titanic Ice Bucket Challenge
Titanic ALS Ice Bucket Challenge: "I accept your ice water challenge".
Keep Off The Grass
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothes, entered…
Dear Thigh Fat
Help the needy?
Steady Hand – The Results
Steady Hand – The Results (or what happens when you play Steady Hand)
Biology, Multiplication And Division
Biology – the only science where multiplication and division mean the same thing…
I Love You Zebra
Bite marks are love notes written in flesh. I love you zebra.
Trannysaurus: You're fired.
Mayans Predicting The Future
Calm down… If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.
Wingardium Levi-horse-a
Wingardium levi-horse-a!
The Accidental Conversation Loop
My greatest social fear: The Accidental Conversation Loop.
Executive Test
The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional"…
McDonald's Reaches Africa
McDonald's reaches Africa.
The Correct Way To Spell Potato
The correct way to spell potato is "GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU".
How To Make Money From Facebook
How to make money from facebook: 1) just go to "Account Settings"; 2) Press "Deactivate your account"; 3) Go to work.
Boiled Lobster
"I hate the way they scream when you boil them!"
Irresistible To Women
Make me irresistible to women
Intellectual Jokes
Believing this statement will make you happier.
T-Rex Making A Bed
When you're upset just imagine a T-Rex making a bed.
Psychiatric Answering Machine
A Psychiatric Office Answering Machine.
If Penguins Have Knees
3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep (the other wants to know if penguins have knees!)
Dear Tech Support
Girlfriend technical support…
Success Is Not Always What You See
Success is not always what you see…
Cling-wrap Fun
Cling-wrap fun.
Call The Rescue Squad!
I'm sorry dear. I can't hear you. I'm in the kitchen, making you a sandwich.
Irish Pets
Two Irish men walk into a pet shop…
Jester App
Sorry–you've been replaced by an app…
Seven Ate Nine
Six, Seven, Ate, Nine…
The Horror Of Blimps
Some blimps are better off dead…
Unprepared For An Exam
Ever gone into an exam having not studied at all?
Irish Girl Sunbathing
An Irish girl sunbathes…
Already Exists
skdjaskdhsajdahsdjashds.jpg already exists. Do you want to replace it? You've got to be kidding me.
New Seatbelt Design: 45% Less Car Accidents!
A man driving a car while a woman sits beside him, with her seatbelt across her mouth, preventing her from commenting.
Piranhas On An Escalator
If I were you, I'd take the stairs…
Passive Agressive Hippie
Passive Agressive Hippie: You want a [peace sign] of me?
It's A-me, Mario!
Mario emerging from a drainpipe.
Toast Toasts Toast?
If guns don't kill people, people kill people, does that mean…
You'll Never Be As Happy As This Turtle
You'll never be as happy as this turtle.
Grammar Vandal
When English teachers snap: Sorry Ma'am, but bad grammar is no excuse for vandalism.
Sisters Of St Francis
Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution…
Will Be President For Food
Boy sitting next to sign "No Campaigning beyond This Point" holding sign "Will Be President for Food".
Michael Jackson Is Dead
You Can Come Out Now…
Ancient Japanese Proverb
Ancient Japanese Proverb. If you cannot understand Japanese, tilt your head to the right…
NSW Playing Economically: 2 Punches Per Gallen.
NSW playing economically. 2 punches per Gallen.
No Public Motor Boating Permitted
No public motor boating permitted.
Comments & Other Similar Social Data
Comments, Facebook Open Graph, & Other Similar Social Data.
I'm Really Afraid Of Johnny Depp
Research shows that if you're afraid of spiders, you're more likely to find one in your bedroom. I'm really afraid of Johnny Depp.
Four Perfectly Round Circles
Four Perfectly Round Circles.
When A Woman Says "what?"
When a woman says "what?", it's not because she didn't hear you. She's giving you a chance to change what you said.
Hello Kitty
It's sickeningly cute. Perhaps literally if its expression is anything to go by…
The Deadly Facts About Water
The Deadly Facts about Water
Bitches & Hose
Having so much fun…
Hey, Bug On My Back…
Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite? I mite be. Stupidest pun I ever heard…
Elephant Bone
…just to confuse future archaeologists.
Short Story
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.…
Good Things Are Twice As Good In Cellophane
Good things are twice as good in Cellophane!
Free Tattoo Removal
Free (and perhaps painful) tattoo removal.
Pregnancy & Women: Questions
Pregnancy & Women: Frequently Asked Questions
Freshly Washed Ballerinas
Freshly washed ballerinas.
LOL For Lunch
Ordering linguini for lunch always boosts morale.
Image of man backing-up with computer.
Angry Pumpkin Man
Angry Pumpkin Man: Come at me bro!
Network Truths
The Twelve Networking Truths.
Thank You To All My Fans
Thank you to all my fans
I'm Awkward When People Compliment Me…
I'm awkward when people compliment me… "Nice hair" Me: "Thanks, I grew it myself"
It Is Such A Drag When Someone In The Group Can't Fly…
It is such a drag when someone in the group can't fly… forcing everybody else to have to ride up the elevator too…
Blonde Geometry
Attached is problem 3 on a geometry examination…
A Cow Getting A Back Scratch
A cow getting a back scratch.
The Winner Of The "Not My Job" Award
The Winner of the "Not My Job" Award goes to…
Fail Towing
Thank You for Using Fail Towing, Inc.
Before And After...
Before and after marriage…
Stop Surfing The Internet And Just Go To Bed
Holy crap! Look how late it is! Why do I always do this? Why is it so hard to stop surfing the internet and just go to bed?
A Teaser
You must stare very closely at the door in this image for around 30 seconds…
Angry Birds Australia
Angry Birds Australia…
You Hang Around, I'll Go On Ahead
You hang around, I'll go on ahead.
Cooking With Wine
I tried cooking supper with wine tonight. Didn't go so well. After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.
Bradley Group Showers
Bradley Group Showers.
Milkshake Meets Door
A woman runs into a door carrying two milkshakes.
Easter Bunnies
Chocolate Easter Bunnies: My butt hurts! What?
How Many Alzheimer's Patients Does It Take?
To get to the other side!
A Young Brunette Goes To The Doctor...
A young brunette goes to the doctor…
Ladies Beach Volleyball
Just been watching Ladies Beach Volleyball, and there's already been a wrist injury… but I should be OK by Friday.
How Could You Be So Insensitive?
How Could You Be So Insensitive? This is what it looks like from the other person's perspective.
Kiwi Condoms
Australia runs out of condoms…
Bankruptcy, Divorce, Liquor
Bankruptcy, Divorce, Liquor.
Little Kid Lover
I'm signing up for an online dating service. I just need to pick a username. "Little Kid Lover", that way people will know where my priorities are at.
Medical Marijuana
What disease is your medical marijuana relieving?
The Atheist & The Bear
The Atheist and the Religious Bear
Keith Urban Accepted As Genuine Humanoid
Clint Felmingham: Did you know? Keith Urban is accepted by many Americans as a genuine humanoid/musician. Urban, a polymer composite (90% polyethene, 8% alcohol, 2% minor celebrity), was manufactured in Caboolture, Australia in 1987..
Don't Worry I'm Koalafied To Drive
Don't worry I'm Koalafied to drive.
Don't Fall For This
The CIA is trying to steal my…
Hippo Eats Dwarf
A hippopotamus has swallowed a dwarf in a circus accident…
Batman Downsized
Batman forced to downsize with increase in petrol prices…
Sound Thug
Sound Thug
Scrabble Jokes
I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next dump could spell disaster.
What Would Robots From The 1960's…
What would robots from 1960's and 1970's TV say today with current software installed?
Above The Law Like A Boss
Above the law like a boss: removing a wheel clamp.
Chosen One
I'm the chosen one…
Jam And Butter The Muddy Plasters, The Dirty Bucket Of Pitch!
Jam and butter the muddy plasters, the dirty bucket of pitch!
Hinton's "Lilac Chaser"
The Dotty Illusion…
Positive For Coke
You're fired Jack, the lab results just came back and you tested positive for Coke.
Mickey Mouse
One day, Mickey Mouse decided that he wanted a divorce…
Forgot I Was Sharing My Screen With Her
I was on an online conference call with a cute sounding girl, and googled her name out of curiosity. Forgot I was sharing my screen with her.
This Summarises My Love Life
This summarises my love life. I'm the guy in blue…
Operating System Airlines
Operating System Airlines.
The Seal Of Approval
The Seal of Approval…
Moronic Email Scam
Nigerian spam…
Do Not Trust Atoms
Do not trust atoms. They make up everything.
Alien blood transfusions are illegal for ghosts, but beach chickens win!
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill…
Garage Door Covers
Amusing garage door covers
Lost Phone
A man sends SMS from a lost phone…
Exercise - Some Facts
Exercise… some facts.
Has One Night Stand
Has one night stand, but way too many books to fit on it.
Beware The Grapes Of Wrath
Beware the Grapes of Wrath.
Red Bull Gives You Wings
Red Bull Gives You Wings.
The Day Einstein Feared
The day that Einstein feared may have finally arrived.
Horton Hears The Who
Horton Hears the Who
Iron Man Competition
Ironman Competition - the way it should be…
Saved A Fish From Drowning
Here is a heart warming picture of a little girl that saved a fish from drowning.
Street Name
Hey, what's your street name?
How The Internet Started: A History Lesson
How the Internet Started: A History Lesson.
Old Style Birth Control
Old Style Birth Control.
Microsoft Lightbulb Jokes
Microsoft Lightbulb Jokes.
Pull Out & Save
Save up to $600!
What Rabbits Do
What rabbits do when humans go out…
Buy Two & Receive A Free Fountain Face!
Buy two and receive a Free Fountain Face!
Reverse Mermaid
You are alone on an uninhabited island. Which of these would you choose as your companion?
Don't Masturbate
Don't Masturbate!
Save Paper
Save paper…
John's Weather Forecasting Stone
One of the most reliable ways of forecasting…
How The Hell Is The Ball Still In Your Hand?
How the hell is the ball still in your hand?
Sentence Structure: Why Sentence Structure Is Important
Sentence Structure: Why sentence structure is important.
What If The Beatles Had Been Computer Freaks?
What if the Beatles had been computer freaks?
Purina Diet
The Purina Pet Food Diet.
Hidden Giraffe
If you stare at this picture long enough you should be able to see a giraffe…
Cannot Find The Damn File
Cannot find the damn file…
Damn Women Drivers
This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 110…
The Angry/Calm Illusion
The Angry/Calm Illusion.
The Power Of Oxi-Clean
The Power of Oxi-Clean.
Major Tom's Ground Control
Major Tom's Ground Control Lawn and Garden Management.
New Year's Resolutions – Again
New Year's Resolutions – Again
Wong Fook Hing Book Store
If you cannot find the book that you are looking for, then you're obviously in the… Wong Fook Hing Book Store!
An Australian Chilli Tester In Texas…
An Australian chilli tester in Texas…
These Blast Points… Too Accurate For Sand People
Obi-Wan Kenobi in front of burning World Trade Centre towers: "These blast points… too accurate for sand people".
imagery movies obi-wan kenobi star wars terrorism world trade centre
Ultimate Chick Flick
Ultimate chick flick: Two women fighting over a pair of shoes
Where Is Amanda's Husband?
Amanda is 21 years older than her son John. In 6 years from now, Amanda will be 5 times as old as John…
The Boss's Quandary
The Boss's Quandary…
How High Are You?
How High Are You? No Officer, it's "Hi, how are you".
Engineering Flowchart
Nothing duct tape and WD-40 can't fix…
Can Your Mac Do This?
Can your Mac do this? I don't think so…
Husband Glasses
I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way.
Unix Commands
Amusing UNIX commands.
Video Games Ruined My Life
Video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two more.
I Found This Humerus
I found this humerus.
Free Puppy
Free puppy…
Pooh Everywhere
Watch your step, there's pooh everywhere!
Laurel And Hardy
Laurel and Hardy were repairing their roof. All of a sudden, Hardy lost his balance and went tumbling on the ground…
Anyways, Best Of Luck Finding Your Fish
Long story short, we're in love. I know it seems sudden but life is sudden like that, you know? Anyways, best of luck finding your fish.
Diary Of An AOL Luser
Diary of an AOL Luser.
School kid writing Code on blackboard as punishment.
Men Are Better Than Women!
Indoors, women are useful — even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag. So don't go hauling them up a cliff…
Mario: Happy
Quit your day job and do what makes you happy.
When I Grow Up… I Want To Be Like Mommy!
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer…
Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft
Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft…
Nothing To Do
In case of nothing to do, break glass and then sweep up broken glass.
Make Your Own Apple Laptop
Make your own Apple laptop the cheap—and healthy—way!
Psalm 2009 – 2012
The First Book of Government.
Proof That Not Knowing Everything Is The Best Way To Go
Proof that not knowing everything is the best way to go.
Lying About Skim Milk
There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.
Slashdot For Dummies
Slashdot for Dummies – A Reference for the Rest of Us!
Baby Instructions
Some useful instructions to keep baby alive and well…
Group Therapy
…is not going to make Q any less of a hated letter.
Unusual EBay Feedback
A+++! Would read this amusing page again…
No Pony For Christmas
No pony for Christmas? No window for driving!
Brace Yourself. Pizza Is Coming.
Brace Yourself. Pizza is coming.
In Capitalist America…
Bank robs you!
Support Bras
Supportive support bras…
He's Got Wifi
Three birds sitting on a wire, a fourth sitting in mid air. He's got wifi.
Scientific Breakthrough – Governmentium
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium.
Facebook Farm
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm…
Good & Obedient Wives
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world…
Why Women Live Longer Than Men
Genetics - Why women live longer than men.
A Signal They Forgot To Teach You In Your Open Water Class.
Big shark behind you: A signal they forgot to teach you in your open water class.
Mum, What's It Like To Have The Greatest Daughter In The World?
Mum, what's it like to have the greatest daughter in the world? I don't know dear… you'll have to ask grandma.
Nothing Is Written In Stone
Nothing is Written in Stone…
The New IPhone 5C With IOS 7
The new iPhone 5C with IOS 7.
Non-stick Frypan
A stuck non-stick frypan…
Idiots everywhere…
Mini Cooper
A guy driving a Mini Cooper pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce…
Give A Man A Fish And He Has Food For A Day
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach a man to fish and he has to buy bamboo rods, graphite reels, monofilament lines, neoprene waders, creels, tackleboxes, lures, flies, spinners, worm rigs, slip sinkers, offset hooks, gore-tex hats, 20 pocket vests, fish finders, depth sounders, radar, boats, trailers, global positioning systems, coolers and six-packs.
Lost Wormhole
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text:
Document - Malta: Home Affairs Ministry misconstrued Amnesty International's report on refugees, asylum-seekers and migrants in Libya and Malta
AI index: EUR 33/001/2010
22 December 2010
Malta: Home Affairs Ministry misconstrued Amnesty International's report on refugees, asylum-seekers and migrants in Libya and Malta
Amnesty International rebuts assertions of the Maltese Ministry for Justice and Home Affairs on 15 December1 alleging that the organization published inaccurate and partial information in its report Seeking safety, finding fear: refugees, asylum-seekers and migrants in Libya and Malta (REG 01/004/2010), published on 14 December.
The report highlights the plight of those attempting to reach the EU through Libya and the Mediterranean Sea, many in search of refuge and protection.
The Ministry for Justice and Home Affairs was reported in different major national newspapers describing the report as "peppered with inaccuracies and inconsistencies, which are testimony to AI [Amnesty International]'s customary selective, subjective and warped evaluation of the challenges that Malta faces with illegal immigration".
Amnesty International, having greatly appreciated the collaborative approach offered by Maltese authorities in previous months, regrets that the Ministry's statement has misconstrued Amnesty International's report and reiterates its findings and recommendations addressing EU, Maltese and Libyan authorities.
A delegation of Amnesty International visited Malta in September 2010 and had the opportunity to meet national authorities, representatives of international organizations, local NGOs, lawyers, asylum-seekers and irregular migrants. The delegation met with various government representatives, including from the Ministry of Justice and Home Affairs and the Armed Forces of Malta, discussed the rights of refugees, asylum-seekers and migrants trying to reach European shores, and took detailed account of the government's position on those issues. This collaborative dialogue has been preceded and followed by an exchange of letters, where concerns and arguments were explained in detail.
While waiting for a reply to its last letter addressed to the Ministry for Justice and Home Affairs, dated 8 December 2010, Amnesty International would like to clarify its position regarding the main points raised publicly by the same Ministry.
Contrary to the statement of the Ministry, the Maltese mandatory detention regime for asylum-seekers and irregular migrants is inconsistent with international law; moreover, those subjected to mandatory detention are not provided with a genuine recourse to a court of law. This position is shared by the UN Working Group on Arbitrary Detention.2 While it is true that administrative detention of irregular migrants with a view to deportation is not per se unlawful – and Amnesty International has not argued it were – the Ministry seems to have overlooked that the necessity and proportionality of detention must be assessed on a case-by-case basis, that alternatives to detention must be available and that those detained must have an effective remedy by which to contest the lawfulness and length of their detention. None of these safeguards are provided in Malta, as stated by the European Court of Human Rights in the case of Louled Massoud v Malta. While the decision in this case regards an individual complaint, in order to reach its conclusions the Court has assessed the domestic legal framework and held that "the Maltese legal system did not provide for a procedure capable of avoiding the risk of arbitrary detention pending deportation." The judgement of the Court has become final on 27 October 2010 and Malta is now bound to respect it and to implement reforms to guarantee that similar violations are not repeated in the future.
Amnesty International cannot agree with the Ministry's consideration that the procedure at the Immigration Appeals Board (IAB) is comparable to court hearings. In particular, the organization is concerned that members of the IAB are nominated by the President on the advice of the Minister responsible for immigration; that there is no requirement that they be lawyers and/or have a legal background; and that they do not enjoy security of tenure. As a result, the IAB does not appear to be endowed with the requirements necessary for a truly judicial body. Moreover, the IAB's power to order release from custody is limited and not applicable in certain cases.
Concerns also rise in relation to appeal procedures to challenge decisions by the Office of the Refugee Commissioner rejecting claims for international protection, with regard to expertise in human rights and refugee law, independence of the Refugee Appeals Board and asylum-seekers' access to a full and fair appeals procedure. Those flaws cannot be justified by the high number of asylum-seekers being granted international protection at first instance.
Amnesty International has already expressed to Maltese authorities its appreciation for their efforts to provide for the basic needs of those who recently entered the country. However, the organization considers the living conditions in many open centres inadequate and not in line with regional standards. While understanding that resettlement remains an important option in a small country with high population density, Amnesty International believes that, pending resettlement, persons affected need to be offered the means to live in dignity and access to economic and social rights should be ensured for those who cannot be resettled.
As to the incident of 17 July, Amnesty International cannot agree with the Ministry's claim that "persons rescued at sea are not subjected to Maltese jurisdiction, but have knowingly chosen to be rescued by the Maltese authorities rather than remain in a dangerous distress situation". Under international law, states that have effective control, authority or power over third-country nationals rescued or intercepted at sea have obligations that extend outside their territories, including on the high seas. At a minimum, they must ensure access to a full, fair and satisfactory asylum determination procedure to assess individuals' eligibility for international protection, and not return any individuals, either directly or indirectly, to a country or territory where they would face a real risk of persecution or serious harm.
Amnesty International takes note of the Ministry's reassurances that "all asylum-seekers who were at any point on Maltese territory or under Malta's effective control were given the opportunity to seek asylum, and were provided with all the information and assistance required to do so." However, the organization remains profoundly concerned that Maltese personnel's actions and/or omissions during the 17 July rescue operation resulted in 27 Somalis being returned to Libya, where their prospects of getting international protection were and remain next to nil, an where they are at risk of torture and other serious human rights abuses. During their visit to Malta, Amnesty International's delegation was greatly concerned to hear representatives of the Armed Forces of Malta, in charge of rescue operations, adamantly declining any responsibility for the way this group ended up on the Libyan ship and the fate they encountered.
Amnesty International acknowledges the efforts of the AFM in rescue operations. However, the organization is concerned that the Maltese government, by seeking Libya's cooperation in order to stem the flow of people arriving in the EU from Africa, is turning a blind eye to continuing human rights violations in Libya.
Addressing the issue of uneven allocation of persons in need of international protection across receiving countries, Amnesty International has consistently called on governments to engage in more equitable responsibility sharing, both at the EU and the global level, with regard to resettlement of individuals from developing countries, which host 80 per cent of the world's refugees.
Amnesty International publications:
Seeking safety, finding fear: refugees, asylum-seekers and migrants in Libya and Malta 14 December 2010, AI-Index: REG 01/004/2010
Press Release, Libya and Malta: failing refugees, asylum-seekers and migrants, 14 December 2010, AI Index: PRE01/415/2010
1 "Amnesty's report 'peppered with inaccuracies' – ministry", Times of Malta, 15 December 2010, at www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20101215/local/amnestys-report-peppered-with-inaccuracies-ministry
2 Report to the UN Human Rights Council A/HRC/13/30/Add.2, 18 January 2010, para.76

subset: commoncrawl


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Tennessee - A Tennessee man plunged to his death from the upper deck of the Georgia Dome stadium during a college football game, in the second fatality stemming from a fall at a stadium this week, authorities said on Saturday.
Isaac Grubb, 20, of Lenoir City, Tennessee, died late Friday at Atlanta's Grady Memorial Hospital following a 35 foot (10.7 metre) fall, said Laura Salm, an investigator from the Fulton County Medical Examiner's office.
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