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tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78251604147021788642014-11-24T23:51:14.567ZDaffodil Rites.'We are slaves'By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-27509110774899159072014-11-24T23:51:00.001Z2014-11-24T23:51:14.590Zlovely to be in body that is not tense from jaws to ankles..
Well the hoovering is still undone, the butterfly coat hooks and curtain rail still on the floor but we did meet a GP who seems pretty decent. There wasn't any problem in getting up because we never slept. She had friendly chilled out manner and understood that there probably isnt much point in putting myself through exams that will be very traumatising and still find nothing wrong. The scan back in May was fine so it might be best to focus on pain management. We pretty much agree. Although Therapist has offered to take us to a gyny examine because she knows its inappropriate for someone with our history and DID to go through something like that alone like we always have in the past.. Its extremely difficult for us to trust the NHS anyway because of all the time spent being abused in NHS premises by NHS staff and seeing what they were doing to peoples records and during procedures. We are a long way from completely believing any test result and don't feel there is enough known even if they are genuine. She gave us some gabapentin which we are pretty sure no one has ever tried before, asked if the abuse ever caused infections (yes), gave us some diazepam with the obligatory 'we dont like prescribing these', understood that when she pressed on our tummy that it got worse after she took the pressure away and knew the latin term for heat rash. Impressed we were..

More of our amazon xmas delivery. Is it wrong that we are intending to keep the two playmobil flower fairies for ourselves? We've got the spider monkey other bits and pieces, not sure she is all that into playmobil anyway.. not as much as we are anyway!

Commented on twitter earlier about how we like Mr Men and used to think they were made to help DID kids. Told therapist once about a wee memory from one of us, she wasnt with the cold Scottish family. She was somewhere else, dont know yet about what ever bad stuff was going on connected to that time, place and people. We just remember a woman who was looking after us opening a kitchen cupboard and asking us which of the Mr and Little Misses we were today then getting that plate out of the cupboard to put food for us on. Whoever the woman/family was they weren't as poor as the Scottish family. There is some safety connected with it. It would bring up lots of mixed emotions when we see Mr Men stuff. We remember that feeling of acceptance and validation of being in an environment when our plurality was accepted and being encouraged to engage and allow different parts out regardless of their gender or mood. That never happened them with Scottish family any more than it does know. Of course anything that brought us warmth had to be stamped on so the 'that's not for me its too nice', 'Im not allowed that' 'we cant afford that' soon became the biggest response when ever we seen any. Hate those inferior feelings but now we can challenge that so effectively with a few pennies and a couple of clicks.

Looking at stuff online today, we've wish listed a mug, DVDs but most importantly a lampshade which we think may well help us with our not wanting to spend time in our bedroom, with all its fresh paint, new carpet and cool stuff on the walls..Its too grown up but a Mr Men and Little Miss paper shade that will be sorted. Not like we will be taking any lovers any time soon! No shopping or weed this week though and not much next either. Bloody money its a stinking racket.

Think there is sister issues probably hanging about in her old room as well. Increasingly concerned she was getting 'visitors' and phonecalls not like it didn't think abut it before but it brought up so much fear that we couldn't consider it for long. Keep seeing one of the fuck ups we have named in recent months here, particularly when we are near some of the door ways. To some thats us seeing Laura's past, to others its a possible future, to others that's just entirely predictable and natural paranoia/fear of trafficked DIDer. Whatever its source, we know feeling close to each other and as confident in our self is the best way to deal with it. Not that we are not scared, certain faces in or near our home or voices on the phone could put us right back to amnesiac, dissociated and physically very weak states but all that stuff works easier if you are already hating yourself for being victim and don't believe you are capable of defending yourself.

If some shit does happen, we will put as much of it here as we can, once whatever will happen with the police of course. After everything that happened and was said on the night of Laura's death we would call them, with concerns that doing so is part of a horrible scheme but not enough to not reach out. Providing we are in a position to do anything of course..

..and we would be.. ;-)

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-804103258015715212014-11-24T03:11:00.001Z2014-11-24T03:11:49.057ZFuck it 'viaduct'
It's unlikely that people who are also triggered are going to get this far but we don't intend to mess with you with our titles. We believe trigger words lose their power to cause massive anxiety if they are talked about. Sometimes we have to blurt out the trigger to get away from muteness so we can write anything at all...

It was a Moyles and his crew thing, his show has some game or something on that they called viaduct as well. Not that we listened.. No part with any kind awareness of anything could be programmed to believe they would voluntarily listen to that shite. As Rosemount viaduct was between Aberdeen Uni and the blokes that gave me weed we passed by it and saw the sign often. Everytime for a while we would here them "yes we have a thing on our show called that, how would you know that if you don't listen?' Then the flashbacks would come. It never really stopped we got better and worse at dealing with it but the same horror would still be there is walked past Rosemount Viaduct tomorrow. When we lived just up the road it from it in 2002 it was the 2001 Torry stuff that would come back, when they stopped us from dissociating, what they did to Petey, the murder of the bloke that tried to help..

Have we written this post before? Think we tried but not sure if it was published, abandoned as a draft or deleted. Even if we did publish something no way it was as easily written as this is.

Stupid bloody pain. Been biteing and pinching to try and distract from it came very close to burning several times but we feel so crappy when we deliberate hurt ourself. Been hearing screaming to. Have label the morning alarm 'phone doc. Please' hope it works, we get an appointment and are given something that will give us a break. All three things happening seems a bit unlikely but none will if we don't phone them in the morning.

Actually a lot more tired than thought possible considering the time we got up at. Still don't want to close eyes and feel parts replaying good sex to distract from excruicating rape & torture memories and coz they are lonely and miss people desperately.

All that watching House has thinking about Savile and the hospitals. Waking up from general anaesthetic in settings that seems like normal hospital, recovery ward. What the fuck did they do to me? Was just being sewed back together? Objects extracted?

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-41352206542685889652014-11-23T18:26:00.000Z2014-11-23T18:26:18.148Z'a title that isnt an obvious trigger'
Feeling pretty good. Caught up on some sleep, not during the night of course.. Junior woke us after 10, remember telling him to get himself some breakfast then closing our eyes just for a minute or two. When we opened them again it was half past two. Looks like its been a nice day to. Not the junior minds obviously or he wouldnt of let us sleep all that time. Have vague sense of smiling as we heard him chat to his ds game in between non traumatic day time dreams..

Had a couple of littles/less educated parts writing and scribbling last night. Often feel wholer and less anxious after. There was also an internal commitment to let littles out more and readiness from more parts to engage in therapy more. A little more crumbling away of the wall between the internal and external world. Less 'we cant do that', 'thats not allowed', 'we are not allowed' and the solid white mute fear. They are ready to try EMDR and others are ready to let them.

 Feels very liberating to look at scribbles or be aware of mind contents and have a much better understanding of what the fuck is going on. Not just thinking I am a bit mad or knowing that it makes sense on some level I am not currently conscious of, which usually means ongoing involvement in ancient dark secretive shit that 'I' am not think, speak or write about without outside instruction. A bit better at being able to identify different parts, not the level other fabulous DIDers on twitter can do but thats just coz systems as unique as individuals. We seem to have levels of co-consciousness that others dont, thats why we dont get the black outs to the degree others do. Programmed for different functions, different aspects of victims personalities that may jeopardise operations that had to hammered out, turned against us.

The human centre, that was great at resisting programming, grooming and internalising that we were writing about yesterday was called 'Nature' by some, after an external friend said that humanitarianism was our true nature.. although 'militant hippy' seems more accurate to some. She wasn't an EP we remember her being around when the body was little, she grew older, learned, developed. Until some point in the early mid 90s. She must of somehow come back after Ferris abused beautiful baby newborn Rosa to death and Coulson and co's 'You will always be 12'. Thinking about it now it was the 'you will always be 12', the Dream Team and their military intel support stuff that pushed her away. It just took a few years.

We cant elaborate but the award given to Blair by Save The Children makes us think/remember that Save The Children should be investigated for being riddled with and/or run by abusers as well as the NSPCC. Its chilling now to think of child protection charities being run by people who participate in the activities that their charities are supposed to be challenging. Remembering how that felt as a child though.. How does one move on from that when the individuals, organisations and institutions involved have not been effectively challenged or exposed when we are not in a position to do anything and there are no systems currently in place that can?

Pain has gotten worse since we woke up but we are not beating ourselves up about it. Just swearing lots when we go up or down the stairs or have to bend down. School day tomorrow and will need the time alone so he's going, hopefully but not necessarily for 9am... Looking forward to getting some of the stuff we didnt get done this weekend done tomorrow. We have a butterfly coat hooks to put up, a curtain rail to fix and might even start putting up some of the big pile of nature inspired wall stickers that were bought coz they were cute and cheap. Generally not a fan of writing on indoor walls but have you seen the Dr Suess ones? OMG..

By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-34885792864443618852014-11-23T02:17:00.001Z2014-11-23T02:17:38.506ZSaturday Night

hey off all the trigger phrases & manipulated thought process we have in our heid this now thats the best we can do..

With therapist the other day, she has asked a few times about parts causing the pain and if its possible to ask parts to stop. It always feels like its not like that, like that is a simplification way too far. We have said before that its programmes, you cant 'talk' to a programme. It has to be instructions, steps in the only language the programme recognises. You can shout 'off' to a computer all you like but its bloody stupid if the thing doesn't have any voice recognition or that function has been turned off. or the thing isnt even plugged in. Its not good to ask parts who have no idea how to cause pain in the body if they know anything about it, makes them feel unknown, confused. The parts that can do stuff like that, if any dont respond from questions from us or from a therapist, they are not personalities, they are operations. Completely created by the worst torture and control experts and teams, completely out of our reach.

When we were challenging it when it was ongoing we found that keeping human, loving trusting ourself, our heart and intelligence, staying centred on warm feelings and hopeful without total denial but accepting that some denial was inevitable. It kind of relates to what we were on about the other day, the co-consciousness of simultaneously feeling the innocence, their simple thought processes that never learned no matter how much the same people tortured her, hearing her words whilst knowing exactly what was going on but being unable to communicate with the innocent simple parts or the outside world. It was obvious the stay centred, stay human, stay smart approach worked well so they separated me into an understanding that cant move and upfront parts that cant process experiences and have very low IQ. That too is probs an over simplification but doesnt feel wrong.. at the mo anyway.

 There isnt any recollection of ever getting back to that strong place. Ever. We were most likely getting love, compassion, affection, respect from outside sources. We kept most parts amnesiac of this so there was less chance of them talking about it at a time and place that would mean it would be destroyed. They found out though, eventually. There was no more warm centre but there was a lot of hate and rage that we did are best to direct to guilty parties and not other victims or passersby. We did a not to bad job, we are here writing this after all.

Back to the pain, which hasn't been there so much as we have written this. There is a big strong sense that discloser, detailed discloser will help with the chronicness. A lot of wariness of that because of the abusers therapists, police, jurnos and others that encouraged detailed discloser coz they got off on it. One of the many aspects of the myriad of grooming and exploitation techniques that whacks us in the face whenever we try to move forward, like standing on a rake but there doesn't seem to be any where to step that isnt a rake.. *drags ass off couch* SMACK

Therapist worries about how much the pain means withdrawal and isolation. But so does our need to mourn, to slow ease parts away from the frozen in terror, to just think, feel, remember, process in peace. And so does all the crappy, brutal and ignorant culture out there. And the fact that we are so often a bairn and it feels so unsafe to be around people. She also said she was concerned with the stuckness that there has been this year and concerned we didnt feel sessions where'nt therapeutic. Hope we reassured her that having someone there for us is massively therapeutic, even if she is frustrated with the lack of apparent progress!

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-4685656200072423512014-11-20T16:18:00.001Z2014-11-20T16:18:10.800ZHappy Littles
Little, sore but pretty happy. Pain is hardly a surprise since yesterday the woodwork down stairs wasn't even preped but has been painted since about 10 last night. Its beautiful. Going to be even more beautiful when stickers, hooks and everything is up on wall. Gonna tweet a couple of pics when its down and say 'Can't believe we live here. 'It' 'hur' lives here .. and not just kept here..'
Put in that big order the other night. Its the bairns first Christmas without there mum, want to make sure they feel loved and keep them distracted!

Mother agreed to keep wee man for another sleep so we can stay little or whatever, thank god! Not that we said that was why we wanted her to keep him of course.. Said we were really sore and kids, school uniforms and sticky gloss paint not a good combo. There is wood between floor coverings between rooms that was dark stained and paint splattered. Already stood on the kitchen one in socks twice. Cant afford any more paint for like a fortnight.. Darg. On our own without coz our mate is a postie and you see them through late November or all of December. We are going to have to negotiate the ladder/scaffolding all by our little self. Yikes. Gonna be so amazing.

By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-46176809276926944072014-11-18T03:30:00.003Z2014-11-18T03:30:54.431ZLove the good bits.
Camping out in the living room again. The temporary curtain pole came down before we have been able to coordinate ourselves into fixing it. The bedroom is too perfect. Too ice. Something not quite right. We will get it more lived in when the time is right. At moment we need the telly and the comfort of a decent sofa without the triggers, pressure and anxiety about going to bed.

Our little cute little castle town is coming along lovely, its charmed quite a few littles, all of us seem to using to practice patience with varying success..We've made a list of Christmas presents for the external bairns, more than we can afford but we have seen stuff and Amazon disappear before and we wont have to think about Xmas for a good while..Its all stuff that we have thought about and want to give them, nothing over a tenner but quality little stuff. Think it will definitely make us even happier to actually check the list out, it was lovely choosing stuff. When it arrives and wrapping it will all be great to and we are reasonably sure our choices arnt too off, hopefully. Something for us to of course, a forest fairy. Also eyeing up vintage moterbike adds.. yum. Externals first with the shopping this week though.. :o)

Happiness is good.

Moving forward with the additional info for Jersey statement. Good progress, taking it easy on our selfs. We need to explain the voice in the original statement, that means explaining our DID. We also need to answer the questions she couldn't answer at the time about our back ground. Of course, the additional information for the 'abuse on mainland' and 'abuse on Jersey' sections is not an immediate concern.. A fair bit more processing, acceptance, mourning, hurting etc., before we will be producing any coherent approximation of events.. It's there though and so are the parts that can get us through the worst of the horrors we return to when the thickest of the amnesia walls come down. They had to use their worst stuff to break apart our strongest parts. Getting in touch with them and the best parts of us getting in touch with each other again makes the memories survivable. We know we have to get through it. They are so worth fighting for.

Gonna buy those presents. There is talk of finally starting to finish the downstairs.. we shall see.

All is good. If a bit understandably wobbly. Long may the weed last..

By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-77686345465923784192014-11-16T19:39:00.000Z2014-11-16T19:39:05.047ZDo not read lightly..
It has continued to be a bit of an onslaught. But we at kitchen table. Jazz radio on. medicinals and coffee in hand. All the horror memories are starting to link hands because the parts of myself that hold them are reaching out to each other. The is lots in the joins between the worst that was and still is positive. Obvious to see we have levelled up against denial. Its rock solid entirly necesarly denial some of it though so we wont know how much there is until we get through it if ever do. The pain shows us so much it doesn't gloss over or get distracted it just give it, as it was, as complete as was consciously experienced at the time. A time when there was no numbing, or amnesiac switches, unless it was wanted by them though. The fuck do I call them. They said 'owners' 'masters' 'pimp' and whatever of course but we don't use their terminology. Decades of media, state, crime, intelligence supported organised efforts to experiment with enslaving whole familes, areas, classes of people, industries, whoever they wanted makes from some really sick puppies with lots of time, encouragement, freedom and resources to specialise and flourish. There wasn't much being trafficked out of the house at the time in 2000-2001 that is never far from our day states. Some names already mentioned. Some not. Wasn't in any state for being painted and dressed up, it was all about pain, being repeated told how by them I was an object, their object. Not human, and had to agree to saying that and repeating whatever they said and do whatever they said no matter how disgusting, painful, degrading. Trained like the dogs some of them trained for fighting, fucking and slaughter. When I was taken out our flat it was to places were there was crowds of rapists, all drugged up on some horrific shit. Paying each other and making bets about what they could or couldn't get us to do, what they could get each other to do. Telly faces, crimelords, porn extremists and whoever I had stupidly talked to, smiled at, or thought kindly of. There was a check succession of them in small groups, paid for the access and know how, skills set. Struggles of course between the worst of the sick fuckers with the usual scenes, usually winning until it became obvious to a whole other bunch that yes they really were going to kill me and it eventually got quieter after lots of money crossed from human hands to a system that made us, and the McCanns, and Jimmy Savile, and the Corrie Cunts, and ALL those DJs.. And Leon Britain, And Cyril Smith, and a whole buch of other stuff that if you are looking for 'evidence; out there and not on here you wont of heard any mention of any where.

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-1830240527953732002014-11-15T23:56:00.000Z2014-11-15T23:56:01.735Z..November..
Bloody buses. They do they job in the end though, even if its possible to cross a half the planet in the time it takes to pop in to your pals in the next town..

Ended up having a some food, wine & smokes with 'mom'. Wasnt too bad. talked about how there is only so much of her daughters stuff I can go throw and/or bin my self. It was when we said 'what do I do with her red shoes' that we got her attention. She suggested we have a night when she and the kids go through what we have left. It sounded lovely at the time, the bairns shouldn't feel like we forgetting all about their mum. Now its later we are thinking that is cool but she is avoiding spending any time with Laura's stuff, her space on her own, childless with us.

Shes not particularly triggering us at the moment though we are not seeing enough of her and when we do its mostly associated with childfree hours ourself.. We are triggered out from pain, trauma processing and being an intelligent female who is aware of popular culture.

Back to having a laptop. Mum has one but held on to this one for a while, for the kids which was fine. We had Laura's house & contents to sort out so wasn't volunteering to go through her C drive to.. seemed to have done enough for decent functions atm.. Not gonna treat this one like its a wad of paper that can be chucked down or stood on. .. much more space now to.

Apparently, this came from mum talking to Psychosis the other week, Dad has been taking time of work and not getting out of bed.. and the bairns dad told mum that he seemed to have forgotten the phonecall with mum where she told him she didnt want the kids going up there for Xmas day. To many of us have spotted to many of them bullshiting to often to really take much of it to serious. We are getting though the rawness and

Obvs relief that mum was firm on something..

A bairn is for life not just for Christmas.

...

In therapy and during moments when we are relativity self aware and feeling strong enough to not dissociate, deny or rationalise when triggered. We dont ditch each other like we always have. Integration'. not in the parts merging kind of way but in terms of amnesiac walls coming down without if causing system failure, panic attacks and amnesia. Been close though! So much fear. Feels so fabulous to get a break from it :-)

By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-82317444826954631012014-11-15T03:04:00.002Z2014-11-15T03:04:51.965ZNever sleep again
Nightmares all last night. Not the utter terror kind just the excluded from society kind, was refused service in Tesco and think saw a murder, or murdered earlier on in the night, other stuff to we cant remember, all disturbing and unsettling. Been feeling weird this evening, awake REMing which isnt too big problem it often soothes us except for knowing that my brain is hiding heaps of serious shit from me and it wont all be related to the past. All that programming, not just about how we remember and our ability to talk about the past it also aimed at controlling future behaviour at specific times in very specific ways. There's been tremors and twitching with associated intrusive memories too, revolting stuff. Someone's terrified of Children in Need after show parties. Someone feeling guilty about how the tremors and seizures were used by abusers to aid their gratification and they maybe faked them sometimes to give them what they want so they would go away again. Someone cant bare the dreams and nightmares and wants desperately to never sleep again. Someone is asking for help in Italian.

Hate how the pain stops all activities, stuff we want to do like keeping on top of house work, decorating, getting on with the Jersey statement. Worst of all is how it makes us feel so distant from Junior, all the normal day to day normal fun parenting stuff that is so much harder or just not possible. Hate how it puts us back in the same place, feeling the same hopelessness, writing the same things, over and over.

The bairns tool of a dad is down for his monthly visit which kind of scares and sickens us, only partly because it means the spider monkey goes back to treating us like we incinerated her teddy bear blanket. We haven't but when did wash it for her after we found it covered in her mum's bloody vomit. Her dad didnt. Coz he was a job and finds things difficult. Prick.

All misery and inactively maybe transformed tomorrow if the promise of the usual works out. Then we will clean our big kitchen then sit at our table with Alkysis's old laptop and write, some jazz or blues on the radio and smoke away all the bad dreams.

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-77131072172634139602014-11-12T11:23:00.001Z2014-11-12T11:23:51.721ZChronicStill not any further forward with the pain. Makes us feel so little and desperate. That earnest and honest little girl that is in so much physical pain and knows without any doubt that what people are doing to her is very wrong or the wrong time. She can't understand it and believes if she told the right person the right way it all would stop and she would be taken somewhere safe and looked after properly. She blames herself when she tells someone and nothing changes, must of used the wrong words. She can't believe that when people hurt her after she asks them for help that they choose to. They must be controled by all that government/gangster stuff. They must be programmed. Why else would anyone do that?

We remember where we were when we realised that no one was going to help. When we switched from spending lots if time as that honest hopeful child to one that trusts no one and expects the worst from everyone. Who cynicaly protects herself by keeping a naive amnesiac part up front so people didn't know that we knew. We did a lot of thinking and talking there under a tree on the edge of the wood behind the house. Must of been around 1986. It wasn't summer but it wasn't winter either. Spring I think.

All respect to people who function with chronic pain. Not something we have mastered or want to because of all these of having to block it out or carry on doing what we were told to do because we would be hurt even worse if we didn't. And it was already unbareable and all the time.

Must be sickening for kids living lives like that now that are aware of the inquires. So hard for them to ever believe things will change or that they are valued and cared about.

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-14119529469159020712014-11-10T23:14:00.001Z2014-11-10T23:14:36.713ZWhy give it away?It's really hurts some of us when parts are able to share how much we have talked. It's easier for many of course less intellect and learning involved in talking than writing. Too some it feels like giving in to sex that isn't wanted but that's what we are for so that is what we will do. That sense of being less than so it's important to give the grown ups what ever they ask for or no one will never want or be able to help us. So many parts are just not able to come out to us programmed to never show themselves unless we are talking to someone who appears to be listening. They don't understand they are part of a system that wants to help them and doesn't want them to be hurt or exploited in any way again. They are so lonely, so scared, so desperate to go 'home' where it's safe, loving and no one takes or plays with us.

It's an effective technique, certainly with us anyway at making us too depressed, too hopeless and defeated to be any threat to anyone. I would be given what I needed and wanted the most. For a little while. Then it would be ended as easily as it was handed to me but with any chance of it being rebuilt destroyed. To show us the control they have over everyone. To make it impossible to trust anyone ever because we can't handle any more betrayal. Can't cope with any more loss. Can't survive seeing any more people being chewed up by a big sick violent and untouchable machine.

..proper convinced on soo many levels that we will never have any serious, good relationships, friendship wise nevermind anything more intimate. Partly because we are hurt so badly by common attitudes but also because it's impossible to meet someone and feel as well understood and safe as we did with someone who had been picked and trained into making us feel just that.

Who the hell is gonna what to get to know a DIDer with a history like mine that isn't a sicko or fully briefed on what to expect?

What could we do together? Films, sport, music. Mostly out. We could go for walks and I could share whatever is triggered. Listen to me talk about my mother then go to her's for tea. They could introduce me to their friends and I could tell them I can't remember who my friends coz that information was drugged, fried, cut and generally traumad out of us and we suspect are real friends we have had have been murdered or weren't really our friends at all..

What are we suppose to do with 'Sorry's? Are they some sort of code? Or trigger? Or just an admission that we are all pathetic little pawns being pushed around by hands we are kept to dumb/scared/greedy to spot. And that bad things happen. So it's better those bad things happen mostly to other people. No point in risking bad things for you and your own when bad things will be happening to people like me and us who were considered past helping before we were born.

We want it back. All the explanations we have given about what was happening to us, the who the how the why. Not for the inquires but for us to see how hard we fought to stand up for ourselves and other victims. To prove to our doubter parts that none of it was our fault because we were too damaged to ask for help. It was other people and the fucked up organisations they take part in and the rotten cultures they reproduce that was and is too damaged.

By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-19932657164225478582014-11-06T17:59:00.001Z2014-11-06T17:59:02.544ZHerded.After the stuckness with the Jersey statement recently things moved forward last night. Weed. And all the effort we have made over the years to understand what was going on so I could limit the damage, to figure out and work towards organise ourselves into something that could figure out a way and then do everything that involved. And the new setting and all the changes that is brining, positive stuff and becoming much more confident in our system and it's stages. ..

We have talked about going to Jerset with Savile, La Vell, and know there was others via small boats. Little fishing ones or leisure boats, aeroplane and of course there is all the being hidding in cramp dark places and being transported ans being pulled out cramped and nausous.

But there is also a strong association of being transported in bigger boats with lots of other people. People known through all the various abuse and crime networks. Victims. People denied voices and documents. Care kids. People labeled mad etc

I get flashbacks about when I think about Eastern Europe, WWII.

They said we were nothing, scum, our bodies there for whatever others wanted of them. We were its. Not human. We would never be believed but do not talk anyway.

Lots of rape. porn. Training in horrific shit, being forced to train others in horrific shit, lots of interrogation and torture to force us into agree and behave to do stuff in the future.

I remember staring at the broken up tar that was on the rise from the rest of the village. I saw it to and from school when our playing and know everyone from school, from where we used to live and others to were being marched past it and people were being murdered. It was real.
By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-24059129876421567052014-10-19T22:28:00.001+01:002014-10-19T22:28:30.529+01:00Little by littleReally should stop putting triggers in as titles. It always make sense at the time, they are the first words in our head. The easiest to stutter out but when we see them later, it's always like ..ug..

Doing a teeny tiny bit of work on the draft each day. As it is it's very childlike and uneducated sounding, which is very representative of the parts that were up front at the time of the interview but has to he changed if it's to be taken seriously. We also need to put in more 'details' more incidents. And make it more confident sounding..

Can't rush it. Super exhausted. Work and pottering around with house kinda stopped last couple of days. Not sleeping. Lots of pain.

Phonecall with therapist tomorrow. She knows about the triggering argument with the bairns gran started over her doing everything in her power to make it easy for kids to go up to the road. Therapist texted to say we should maybe contact authorities.. How many times do I have to hurt myself for nothing by 'contacting authorities' particularly if she meant Grampian authorities.. But looking forward to speaking to her about everything apart from that.. It's totally bolloxed everything with the gran again. She got better at holding her tongue when it came to telling me she doesn't remember anything that I've never been raped and have false memories that I only make accusations when I've been smoking too much weed (haven't smoked any today mum and still stand by every fucking word).. but now we are back to where we were. Struggling to bare the thought of her, thinking about all the ways she has undermined all her daughters and feeling like we are nothing, sub human.

But we remember super shrinks' response we told her the last time the gran said stuff like that. She looked genuinely shocked, hurt even that my mother would dismiss all my pain like that. So hard to see any resolution to any of it. No regrets at moving here though just lots of wishing we had more help and were less isolated and lonely with it all but that's normal.

..think that when we do eventually finish the statement .. We will be very proud of it..
By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-38143970571887891282014-10-17T16:37:00.001+01:002014-10-17T16:37:40.578+01:00Jersey draft
The M&Ms are done, wine & pringels have been opened as has the statement.. Gonna need more weed. Took us 6 grams just to get to a place where we could open the friging envelope.

It needs a lot of work. Very young simple damaged part doing the original speaking trying to push her way past the programming. All that physical pain and unmet needs I can hear her in every word of it. But she isn't strong enough to do this alone. Why should she she wasn't the only one of us that was sent out there.

There is only about 6 pages there, think we can add to that, barely a paragraph we would leave as is though.

...

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-30801708244370156762014-10-15T08:46:00.001+01:002014-10-15T13:46:58.949+01:00TitleMorning world,

She is getting the house all lovely for us it's really exciting. It's a lovely house in a lovely place and we have been so scared about what bad things were going to happen because we were so happy to be here. It's getting better now are there has been enough bravery to make decisions about changing and getting rid of stuff. We love it when all the outside kids are here but I know big us needs to get lots done and that their gran wants to keep them. We think they should stay here with a dog and some cats to! But it is so nice for big uses to get used to felling good and be happy to be busy.

The parts that are not very good at sharing the brain and body are getting better. We know it's horrible for them to feel and see what it feels like to live through just extreme bad stuff. And they know how much better they feel and how safer we are when we are all connected and as ok with each other as poss.

..gonna just post that as is .. :-)
By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-46532846592747402232014-10-12T16:58:00.001+01:002014-10-12T16:58:06.301+01:00Sunday morning callTea with the family ended rather prematurely. She causally mentioned that kids were going up the road for few days. Their dad had spoken to my dad and has moved back in so they have somewhere to stay.. If she had done it with a bit more tact or shown a bit of concern for our health, with all that we have done and have to do, with the house & kids it would of helped.

We got upset.. Spider monkey came in and I said i didn't think we should discuss it at the moment. Mum said we should. I don't think it's appropriate for six year olds to overheard allegations of sexual abuse or them being denied by close family member. 'What about my feelings mum? You heard what we said to social worker' But it's the usual.

 Saying that I want to stop them going up there when they love it, saying he is there dad he has rights and that they will stay out of grandad's way when he is pissed. That she offered to meet him with the kids and she offered to go back up to take them home is needed.

 'You only say these things when you have dope' type stuff. That's always a first line of defense. We think cannabis has negative effects on her to. Don't think we have told her though, cause who the fuck are we to lecture!? Lost it in the past over that one though 'that's because we are too depressed and terrified to think or feel nevermind speak without it!' While ago now.

We just left. After some pointless bickering. Grabbed the bit I was gonna share as after dinner blim, grabbed our wine & chocolate and left.

Really could of done with the stew, tatties etc what with the peroid, the physical & emotional work, the infected thigh and armpits that are thinking about it but home is close and getable to so we left.

Can't share food, drugs & wine with some who thinks you can share food, drugs & wine with some who tells you your rape claims are false, in front of children. Not when you have an option any way.

Wotsits and chocolate with a micro lasangua for big little man.. And organising our amazon shabby chic wish list..

Xx
By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-39261375732985942692014-10-04T21:34:00.001+01:002014-10-04T21:34:10.533+01:00Newness and oldnessIt would be much easier to type this on an actual keyboard with a monitor instead of this wee screen but would have to negotiate several boxes to get over there and much comfier here in bed anyway with the pain. It hasn't been too bad, the odd day here and there rather than proper chronic. At the new docs the other day and he kept saying 'anything else' we couldn't think of anything.. Until 10 meters out of the surgery and there it was, aya fucker..

So much to do. Which we are actually likely that, the kind of work that is rewarding because we will be living with and enjoying the results everyday. A lot of Laura's we can't throw out yet but don't really have space for and none of rest of family are remotely interested. Her oldest said he would come down for her ashes but hasn't, hasnt helped our here as promised either.

Psychosis was down last weekend, she visited mother in hospital and then asked me if I had money cause she fancied a Chinese but couldn't pay for it.. We raised our eyebrows and dad paid which he puked up later on mums carpet and throw, numpty. Our neice told us when we asked how she had slept.. She offered to take all the kids so I would get a night off we turned her down knowing her and dad would be getting pissed, there wasn't enough space for them, they would be up all night and it was us that was going to have to deal with them all on Sunday & Monday morning.

'dad' did help my pal with the heavy lifting which was essential because of our festering thigh followed by antibiotics making us very sick.

 So good to see discloser niece espicially since she had so much love in eyes for us unlike the last few times we saw her when we were getting the 'you left me' vibe.

Really wish we had to oppurtunify to sort out and say goodbye to the flat properly instead of having to abandon heaps of stuff cause there was no time, not enough help and no room in the car. Glad to be out of that street, away from the nightmare neighbour and the friend who let me have 5 to 10 minutes to talk about Laura before going back to talking about herself and a heap of people we don't know.. The constant reminders everytime she did anything for us and the apparent amnesia about anything we did for her. Hope her oldest will be all right but so glad we won't be triggered by her lack of patience for her anymore.

To begin with the dreams we were getting here seemed quite positive, recurring settings and situations but with a strong sense that things had moved on. Prolonged lack of weed is making them worse though, disturbing and unsettling we are back to sleeping with the light on. Being alone in the dark with those feelings when we wake up several times a night is horrible espicially when we are too tired to do anything else but go straight back to sleep. At least with light on we can see where we are.

Next week! Hopefully, we beg of thee Scotish weed networks!! Thankfully we also have therapy this coming week to. Particularly since our draft Jersey inquiry statement is here and unopened nevermind read and added to *nausous face* ..

By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-58573142303714080932014-09-19T23:05:00.001+01:002014-09-21T23:51:46.425+01:00SeptemberA no vote.. What a pity.. Colonialism continues but by Christ the numbers joining the SNP & other yes parties! The will of so many to continue is bloody fantastic.

Had a stinking cold fuck up all the stuff that we have to do, quite common when weve been decorating and it's September.

The loss of Alkysis meant the landlord signed the lease over to me and we have as close to our dream house as we could get without winning the lottery or being paid for work completed as we can get. A dream house which smelled pretty bad and is full of my sister's stuff and zilcho assistance. Mum says 'just chuck it'. Easy for her to say.. She's not doing to well with her COPD I hope she starts coming round to the idea that maybe the best place for them is here sometimes five minutes away, in a house with me, their cuz and the 3 bedrooms and the garden instead of 2 bedroom flat with her who doesn't have the breath to take them to school..

Either way it seems this place is ours and we loved it from first sight. Sorry that the sorting, cleaning, painting has had to slow down til the fever passes but it's ok we will get there..

The funeral was ok. Didn't get attacked by anyone and Psychosis wasn't there so she couldn't take her shitty feelings out on me. We read, 'do not weep' by Elizabeth Fry, mum's choice and everyone was really nice and gave us lots of hugs.

The kids' Dad is causing stress. As he has done in the past. Talking about getting his own place and taking the kids to Aberdeen. Mum gave us the impression that he had backed down what with him staying at a mates house, working long shifts and the kids being settled here but he started it again with me today. Said one minute that Veruca doesn't want to move again then started talking about taking them away, coz they have more family up there (that they rarely see and haven't helped out). Said something about being 'kept' at Dads, where he made little or no attempt to find his own place why would he? His work was minutes away, all he did was work, smoke and pay my dad 50 a week. '3 days without a smoke that's good for me' .. Pfft.. Don't think we can let him in here again. He offers no help (with all his stuff) and upsets us. He really doesn't get the whole kids needs come first thing. 'I wouldnae move here when Laura was alive so I'm not gonna do it now'. Your kids are here you fucking tool..Mum is in charge though so there isn't much we can do at the moment.

 I hate that whole 'I have a right to see my kids when it suits me and not when it doesn't but don't have responsibilities' attitude it sickens us. He came down Friday night, talked about leaving today but is leaving tomorrow instead. When asked about specifics, like it would be helpful for us, mum & the kids to know when he will be here and when not. He said the 12th and maybe other times when he can afford it .. So once a month then..

Meanwhile the kids need cared for everyday (they are 5 & 6), their gran still has severe COPD, we see them everyday and our wee man plays with them everyday..

 Pisses us off that mum lets him stay with her after the shit he has done and things he has said. 'But he's their dad..' (Of course he has rights he was in an abusive relationship with their mother!) Well he needs to figure out how to stand on his own two feat then doesn't he and start treating the people who look after his kids with some respect.

Wonder if she would rather they went to him than me anyway. Updated the useless social worker about having made lots of allegations. He thought he would be in and out. Didn't even take his pen and notebook. Mum also hadn't told him she has severe COPD. He thought it was asthma..

Useful friend coming down this week thankfully coz we can't drive a van, nor empty our old second floor flat by our selves..

By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-36029668337344199002014-08-19T21:54:00.001+01:002014-08-19T21:54:06.936+01:00We will seeI want to be there I just don't want be there alone and I can ditch the wake. Would like to be there through whole thing with a heap of support but hey.

 We made a joke with our therapist once not long after we started seeing her and were still figuring out boundaries. I asked her if it was possible to rent her for funerals and weddings then wondered off briefly thinking about what a good therapeutic service/business opportunity that could be. She seemed equally amused.

Next time we see her is the day after the funeral. It's been awhile. Need to see my mommy!

Oh god I'm back in a place where Psychosis seems so obviously the current main abuser in the immediate family. We're remembering instances of seeing her talk to Laura in such horrific ways and at times and places I wasn't prepared for, causing nasty dissociations in us. When we were little and in recent years too. In front of other people though it's always been me that's the point of her hate. With the odd bit if sisterlyness thrown in that just unnerved us anyway. Emotionally blackmailing everyone else to go along with it. Bringing in abusers and punishing those who talked.

Dead nice and friendly to lots of people to though and great with kids sometimes.

..Christ I wish we were a family that had enough money for a burial plot. So I could push the sociopath in after Laura.

Screaming something appropriate..

Genuine sympathy for mother. And maybe a bit if irony that the only daughter she has ever been able to say goodbye to is the only daughter that will be there for her.

Mwah ha ha

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-22211997673943929722014-08-17T16:43:00.001+01:002014-08-17T16:43:31.662+01:00Things we are mostly not going to say to mum..The bridges are burned mum, they are nuked and the land on either side too there is nothing to build on. I will not be there. I will not take part in the line of family members who put her in that box and shake hands with her friends and her son's friends who all have gave her a wee shove along the way. The support there for me will be you, maybe gran and an aunt or two I haven't seen since the last funeral anyway and me and my DID are gonna need more than that. If middle sis sees me getting any support anyway she is likely to make a bee line to piss all over it any way. There will be far too many sexual abusers, bullies and enablers there I will not feel safe and will be terrified for wee man what with his abuser probs being there.

I will not be there because it's expected. People also expect children to not be fucked by family members and forced to drink and hurt each other.

I know we have talked about this before but I think you are going to have to come to terms with me not being part of the rest of the family. At the moment I feel like I need a year before I can be in the same room as any of the Aberdeen lot. I understand you can't handle it when psycho starts getting abusive towards me but comforting her and listening to her and her hate while I am left alone has only ever made things worse. People also expect to be able to discuss finding a sibling dead with another sibling, less than a week after the event without being dismissed with sarcasm and indifference. We all cope with loss in our own ways and it is out of respect for your oldest that I say that psycho is not my sister and that man is not my dad. I can not stand to should respect for someone who is dead with a bunch of people who had no or little respect for her when she was alive.

Maybe we can do our own thing once the rest have fucked off again.

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-1803813965517591512014-08-14T13:25:00.001+01:002014-08-14T13:25:43.521+01:00Later sis.

:-) xxx
By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-90538951500792545352014-08-13T05:23:00.001+01:002014-08-13T08:16:20.838+01:00AlkysisGoing to have to be careful not to launch into the mother of all feminist rants against and in the faces of the adult males in the family over the next while. Particularly around the funeral. Not that we know when that will be she hasn't had her autopsy yet.

The police are being as silent as you would expect considering the particular Scottish CID dept that are dealing with it or not really dealing with it they haven't said anything to the family much since the night. They were alright then though. A young lassie in uniform first then nightshirt plain clothes.

We were a bit lost, really struggling with all the details they ask for. We thought the bloke was doing some obvious sussing out staring but it's not like we had any need to hide anything and was in too much shock to do so any way. He was a local lad by the accent probs not that far from our age and said it sounded medical, particularly after mum and the adult son came back and pretty much repeated everything I said. We didnt really think about it much at the time but we are very glad now they weren't obviously familiar or abusive.

We are not sure if she knew what was going on before she died. Mum talked to her that morning and she wasn't making much sense. She hallucinated badly the last time went through withdrawal after a major bender. The neighbour who was with her the most and brought flowers round today said one of the other neighbours said she had walked into their flat and was sweating, then she said she was going for a sit down outside. No one tapped here that I know of.

We ignored the buzzer the first time as you do in someone else's flat and when bottem door is never locked anyway. The second time was a bit more persistent though and we ended up looking out the window. Some of us knew straight away. It was Alkysis though. It's not that unusual to see her lieing down and impossible to wake in inappropriate positions and places. Still though.

I saw the nice neighbour crouched down and a bloke from another flat hanging about and no other souls. Just a bundle that looked like what my big sis looked like sometimes.

They were asking her name when I got down the stairs and had put a dressing gown and something else over her she didn't have her bag, coat or glasses. I knelt near her the rain was pelting off her. I'm not going to get into describing what she looked like. We said her name and touched her face but pulled it away again almost instantly. She was so cold, so dead.

Nice neighbour said she had seen that she was breathing one minute and then couldn't any longer. The poor woman is in pieces. We hope to see her around.

The ambulance was there in minutes. I stood with the nice neighbour, ran up to get shoes and a coat on. Don't know how long the van was there, bouncing a bit. The standard amount of time I guess. When one of crew came out she put her hand on my shoulder and said it wasn't good I said I knew. She said I should get to the hospital as soon as possible but we couldn't and we knew. She was gone. Not just Alkysis 'gone'.

Our dad, the kids dad and her adult son came down and left together taking the spider monkey but leaving the wee lad who is getting on with big little man anyway. Regular readers will know we don't exactly cope well with Alkysis and the serious drinking, lies etc but I've heard the son talk about hitting his mum over it, the kids dad and her own dad were not much better. None of them can put kids needs before their own for a pissing minute and of course not offering us any support as the only one who was here other than BLM who didn't what he was told and didn't move while I was outside.

PsychSis is making her way back from the states where niece has been getting treatment. Glad both the girls are over there and away from all this shit.

Not surprisingly we are not feeling any anamosity towards the remaining sis. They were always much closer than I was to either of them growing up. I knew it often wasn't good if I saw them wispering together, which was often. She will be devasted.

We are feeling bit better after a proper cry yesterday. There's going to be lot to figure out and no one has any money, not funeral cost money. We are hoping the blokes end up leaving me and mum to deal with the kids in the long term to be honest. Espically what with us feeling from pretty early that it was misogyny that was lethally poisoning Alkysis long before she was old enough to be sold alcohol.

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-54852768316735543552014-07-28T20:12:00.001+01:002014-07-28T20:12:39.526+01:00Rotten, rotten through..So the behind the scenes, controller, knows everything parts.. You gave us a break yesterday didn't you? Thank you.

You know the script, Ukraine, Gaza, organised abuse inquiry led by ppl who have raped us. 3 of them, so far & 1 of them did some programming our DID against us. That would Mark Conrad. Who we have been emailing but won't be meeting up as has been suggested for obvious reasons, 2001, Glasgow & up at my Dads, after I had cleaned up and started sleeping in the room next door to wee mans, not sure exactly 2008/9. Would of been worse but some blokes turned up and told him to leave. Think it may of been him that we seen in town last year.. Dunno and no doubt we have more recall coming. Certain about the exploitation and the rape tho, sometimes with Moyles he wasn't into the really sick stuff, liked the vulnerable parts that thought if someone wasn't intentionally trying to cause as much pain and humilation when they raped me that it must be love.. The others Mark Watts (2001, Glasgow) and Ian McFayden (? was interviewed on telly recently.) who tweeted 'if anyone believes the McCanns hurt their child please unfollow me.' Subtle. Not.

We know people are going to say we are trying to derail the establishments inquiry into its self and maybe these memories are 'just' programmes but it's unlikely. Braveheart says otherwise and we know ourselves well enough by now. There are likely to be witnesses for Glasgow as for my Dads.. Unlikely but you never know.

See lots of support for Michael Mansfield, an established well know legal type who is identified as socialist. It was the pictures of him that made us start blocking inquiry supporters before we intigrated the stuff about the others. No pictures, no words. Just want to scream, sense extreme pain when we see his pics and have a sense of the 90s and early 00s when all this ongoing stuff was being arranged. Mind controled rapists carving everything up between them all very colonial really.

When the bloke took Conrad away, we had to say something. We were so relieved he was going and the bloke had also bought wee man to me, he was safe in our arms, the littles, the frozen parts were forced forward after the rape on the stairs and whatever he had said to us after which we knew we needed not to hear, as he left we could be more ourselves again and said 'see you in court'. Just to show the littles we were back. The bloke agreed.

When it's was all triggered on Paedobritain Day we heard the usual excuses internally, they have DID too, they were ritually abused and programmed to (poor things it's not their fault) which is probably true but these people are calling for an over arching inquirie they are saying they are all for truth & justice for abused children, except me and mine and who knows how many else ..

We are not saying we never hurt anyone it's the need to do the best by those we did hurt, to admit it and understand for ourselves what we have done and how it came about that is a big motivation behind this blog and every stupid self destructive contact with police.

We do want truth for everyone, all victims and all the networks that brought about, used and maintained our and others' vulnerable dissociated states, regardless of what the abuse turned people into but we are not going to sacrife ourselves because other people think our abusers are proper people and me and mine are not.

Well hasn't brought us any baccy, food, weed or friends but parts are feeling more loved and accepted after that discloser..

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-60145546629759361192014-07-25T13:35:00.000+01:002014-07-25T13:35:10.423+01:00
"You are a major pain in the arse!"
"Actually I'm just a lieutenant."

Lots a uncle rape memories at the moment, it really was quite extensive. Mum was in the house one time and screamed for her help she opened the bedroom door and angrily told me there was nothing she could do about it before shutting the door and leaving him to get on with it. After slashing my arms and wrists he asked me why I'd done it. I said 'why do you think?' he asked if I hated him, I said 'course'. I think he left the room after that or maybe we made that part up. Another time, presumably a year or so after because the bed was on the other side of the room, arrived back in Scotland after being god knows where, must have gone awol or some shit because there was no blanket amnesia, I was jaded, fully aware of my potential for violence and how abusers worked. I acted like the very vulnerable parts all broken, terrified, needy and small and just as expected him and my dad followed me up to my room where I was waiting for them. When he went for me I kicked him in the head and knocked him to the floor. My dad didn't move. Words were exchanged and they left me knowing for one night at least we wouldn't be bothered by them.

No therapy until the end of September, no drama until October. I've started the Courage to Heal, again and ordered the workbook which had been put of for years because we vary of what will be triggered not necessarly in the work but the book itself has been in someone's possession before. There's DID books around my bed but we're struggling to read them. DID is complicated enough without trying to understand who is organic and who is a program. Really struggling with irritability, tearfullness and cutting impulses whenever there's no weed. Held the knife to my skin when I was cutting a courgette in the messy kitchen, its blunt anyway. Keep reminding myself of how it feels after the rush; sore, bleeding and bloody stupid. No sign of Summer, not for weeks know. The thought of shaving the legs now makes us nauseous. Therapist seemed almost surprised by the way she was so present and then so absent, back to the same old super depressed ANP where everything and everyone is on lock down and everywhere the wards, the barracks, the nursery, the hills all feel like the aftermath of a tsunami or scorched earth policy.

By Daffodilhttp://email@example.com:blogger.com,1999:blog-7825160414702178864.post-84180794195907163662014-07-25T13:29:00.001+01:002014-07-25T13:29:53.738+01:00Corrie Cunts
Ok, lets try and get as much of this down as possible to see if it challanges the sense that we don't matter and that we are letting other victims down. I don't think many of the names apart from Tong and Savile was included on the written statement back in March. I really wanted as many as possible to be on it but was exhausted and didn't want to listen to the explanation as to why she hadn't included them. I was kidding myself that they would be back for further statements, where we could focus on elements, individuals, specific networks instead trying to give a brief overview of 27 years of abuse.

In terms of the 80's the memory of sitting somewhere and saying to the bloke who plays Kev in Coronation Street 'your not a paedofile are you?' was there from sometime around 86', it must of been held by some core personality or something because it's been there ever since. Not certain and not all that interested in his answer, he may of nodded his head and I would said he wasn't, not really, that they were forcing him to do it, like many others. But I didn't just mention that early this year I talked about him turning up in Glasgow threatening me about talking and that he raped me then to. I remember telling the policewoman that I was a bit suprised at this because I didn't think I'd talked much, or at all about La Vell in the statements or disclousers back in St Andrews. Got the impression that when I said he only stopped coming back up after I got help from locals and a violent part got out that she believed me.

This was written a while back, before the trial, never finished and never published. Much more was triggered during the trials of him (into strangling me during coitus, did fair bit if actual tracking, took me to Jersey, e,g) and Roach (during 90s I was present at this some of his little lets talk about love groups then take me up stairs for physical abuse, used to get us to use progressive muscle relaxation before and after rape. ..possibly took us to Taum.. But maybe that was Rolf Harris.. Maybe both)

By Daffodilhttp://firstname.lastname@example.com


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Published July 20, 2005
Cleaning equipment A.W.T. World Trade Chicago IL USA The JETBLACK Blow-Off Gun is a lightweight air movement and drying unit, and is a cost-efficient alternative to compressed air. It produces air pressures of less than 3 PSI, and is available in… Read More »
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subset: commoncrawl


text:
Ben Vincent has just ticked V3 Whitegoods with a view 5m.
They commented:
Sketchy fall (if you were to fall to the right), take a bunch of pads and go for it. The right arete is better than you think, and jug at the top is very rewarding. Doesn't finish there though.
Brendan Heywood has just flashed V3 Whitegoods with a view 5m.]]>


text:
Helen Burleigh made four saves as Holmdel shut out Red Bank, 3-0, in Holmdel. Antonia Arena, Lizzie Zelina and Hannah Lee all scored for Holmdel (9-8-1) and Allyssa Cuccurullo, Jayne DePontes and Jessica Moskal all had assists. Devon VanLoon had 11 saves for Red Bank (3-14-1).
on October 22, 2012 9:17 p.m.
on October 22, 2012 9:17 p.m.
10/22 - 4:00 PM Girls Soccer FinalRed Bank Regional 0Holmdel 3
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text:
Assessing the influence of lower facial profile convexity on perceived attractiveness in the orthognathic patient, clinician, and layperson.
ABSTRACT The aim was a quantitative evaluation of how the severity of lower facial profile convexity influences perceived attractiveness.
The lower facial profile of an idealized image was altered incrementally between 14° to -16°. Images were rated on a Likert scale by orthognathic patients, laypeople, and clinicians.
Attractiveness ratings were greater for straight profiles in relation to convex/concave, with no significant difference between convex and concave profiles. Ratings decreased by 0.23 of a level for every degree increase in the convexity angle. Class II/III patients gave significantly reduced ratings of attractiveness and had greater desire for surgery than class I.
A straight profile is perceived as most attractive and greater degrees of convexity or concavity deemed progressively less attractive, but a range of 10° to -12° may be deemed acceptable; beyond these values surgical correction is desired. Patients are most critical, and clinicians are more critical than laypeople.
Article: Influence of malocclusion on social perceptions of adolescents at public and private schools.[Show abstract] [Hide abstract]
ABSTRACT: To determine whether malocclusion influences adolescents' perception when judging their colleagues from the aspects of athletics, social and health status, leadership and academic skills. Front view photographs of the smile of eight adolescent volunteers (non-ideal smile) were altered to create an image with aligned teeth (ideal smile). Two parallel groups were programmed with the subjects' photographs. When the image of an ideal smile of one of the subjects appeared in one of the groups, the image of the non-ideal appeared in the other. Two hundred adolescents were evaluators, half of the students being from private and half from public schools. They classified the group images indicating their social perception with respect to skills in sports, leadership, academic activities, popularity and the health conditions of each subject. The majority of photographs of subjects with an ideal smile were evaluated as being better when compared with photographs of the non-ideal smile. The differences in the evaluations between the ideal and non-ideal smiles were significant for the perception of popularity, intelligence, leadership capability and health, differently from the performance in sports, as this aspect did not attain statistical relevance. Malocclusion has influence on the perception of adolescents of different social levels when judging youngsters with or without malocclusion from the aspects of athletics, social and health status, leadership and academic skills.European Archives of Paediatric Dentistry. Official Journal of the European Academy of Paediatric Dentistry. 06/2013;
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ABSTRACT: To validate the effectiveness of the original standards of True Vertical (TV) Subnasal Line in orthognatic surgery planning. The present study evaluates the changes occurring in patients with skeletal Class II alterations programmed for orthognathic surgery with a view to improving their facial profile. We showed a series of black profiles (composed by a first control group of subjects with normal occlusion, and another two additional groups comprised patients before -Group 2- and after orthognatic surgical correction of Class II malocclusion -Group 3-) for three groups of observers (orthodontists, surgeons and laypeople). The facial images became black silhouettes in order to determine a series of parameters (including aesthetic assessment) by means of the observers. Their observation were assessed using a 5-point Likert scale. The sample was composed of 52 profile's subjects who were tested for a total of 72 observers. Aesthetic assessment yielded mean scores of 2.57, 1.67 and 2.46 for groups 1, 2 and 3, respectively. There was a statistically significant difference (p<0.001) between group 1 versus group 2. There were no significant differences in terms of observer assessment of aesthetics, with the exception of a wider perception range among the orthodontists. Regarding the studied profile measures, significant differences were recorded for point B' and Pg' (p<0.02) between groups 2 and 3 (i.e., pre- versus post-surgery). The results of our study suggest the subnasale vertical and sagittal measures of the lower third of the face are decisive in facial aesthetics, and therefore also for the planning of orthognathic surgery. Consequently, these aesthetic parameters can be used as an objective tool for the planning of orthodontic treatment. Key words:Facial profile, Class II, orthognathic surgery, cephalometric analysis, facial soft tissue, subnasale vertical.Journal of clinical and experimental dentistry. 12/2013; 5(5):e231-8.
Article: [Facial-profile attractiveness changes in adult patients treated with the Herbst appliance.][Show abstract] [Hide abstract]
ABSTRACT: The goal of this study was to compare facial profile attractiveness changes of adult patients treated with the Herbst appliance assessed by orthodontists and laypeople. The patient sample comprised 28 adult Herbst patients. Facial profile photographs of the patients were randomly divided into two evaluation sets (before T0, after treatment T1). Ten members of the Angle Society of Europe (orthodontists) and 10 dental students in their third semester (laymen) rated both sets of photographs using Visual Analog Scales (VAS) with an interval of 1 day between the ratings. On average, both orthodontists and students found an improvement in facial profile attractiveness through Herbst appliance treatment (VAS T1-T0 = 0.3 ± 1.9 cm). However, the interindividual perception of profile attractiveness varied greatly in the two rater groups. For both time periods (T0, T1), lower VAS ratings were given by students than by orthodontists. Herbst therapy in adult patients generally improves facial profile attractiveness. Students rated facial profiles more critically than orthodontists.Fortschritte der Kieferorthopädie 05/2014; · 0.89 Impact Factor


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10 Must-Haves for Any Man's Medicine Cabinet
Stock the basics and be ready when you're hit with a headache, heartburn, or an annoying allergy attack.
4. OTC Cold and Flu Combo
Nothing can prevent or cure colds and flu, since most are caused by viruses (washing hands often and staying hydrated are your best defenses, Khatri says). But, a combo drug can cut the "fog" that comes with congestion, along with cough, sore throat, and runny and stuffy noses. Look for a combination product with a nasal decongestant ("pseudoephedrine" or "phenylephrine" on the label), a cough suppressant, and a pain reliever (an NSAID or acetaminophen). Try Tylenol Cold & Flu or Sudafed PE Pressure + Pain + Cough.
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Event: Mt Tabor Reservoir Project Meeting
Public meetingRead More…
Phone: 503-823-PLAY (7529)
Fax: 503-823-6007
1120 SW Fifth Ave., Suite 1302, Portland, OR 97204
Check out the 2014 calendar for public events in Portland parks!
Mt. Scott Community Center Pool
Thursday, August 7 2014, 1:00 PM to 3:00 PM
A Splash Party for Everyone!
Event Types > Community Events