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7 Rules for Non-Parent Etiquette
Posted by Charlie, under NOTEBOOK
I've had a hellish week these the last seven days, so figured I'd post something that might get me some hate mail. Truth be told, I saw another dad blogger getting a lot of heat for a post he wrote and became very jealous of him getting all the negative attention.
EDITOR'S NOTE:Charlie is obviously a little amped up. Let him rant.
1. Strollers have the right-of-way. Always.
You're a bi-ped. We're a sex-ped. I know there are plenty of righteous, snooty stroller drivers making life tough for you civilians with their walls of kid vehicles, but it's tough having wheels and no turning radius. You have feet. We don't.
Kindly move your ass out of the way.
Unless you're a wheelchair…
Then, um, we can arm wrestle over who goes first…
2. Drive near me & you'll get a dirty look.
While my son and I are walking or I'm pushing him in his stroller, use caution when:
• Driving too fast
• Revving your flamboyant little engine
• Creeping forward into the crosswalk
• Blaring your music while my son is sleeping
• Looking at me with pity
I will explode your retinas with my death-ray vision. As a former iPodestrian, I walked unaware with earbuds affixed to my audio canals. You had wholesale license to hit me with your car for that. But, guess what? Now, it's about sleep and stress. Gimme a break, you gashole.
3. Don't rush me.
Don't confuse my patience for feebleness. Don't confuse my inability for senility. Imagine that I am disarming a bomb or figuring out how much sand to put in a bag so I don't set off a trap like an under-slept Indiana Jones. That will help you begin to understand the kind of quantum-mechanics-level thinking I have to go through in order to get my son from here to there.
Not to toot my own horn, but I've got an S on my chest from the stuff I've endured. You try it.
4. Don't try to kill my child.
If you put steak knives or forks or flaming plates of food near my son, he will grab at them and then I will kill you. I will use the steak knife or the fork or the flaming bananas foster you just served us to do it. Or maybe all three. Like the chefs from Benihana's.
Also, don't put your fungus-ridden hand in my child's mouth. Don't use non-sanctioned spit to wipe my son's face. Don't give my son your herpes-ridden water bottle to drink out of… Just don't do it.
5. Smoke near my kid and I will smoke you.
Downwind or otherwise, if I smell smoke, your cigarette terrorism will not stand. Smoke all you want in front of me or people my age. Go for it. I'm not gonna get on a soapbox about smoking (even though my dad died of lung cancer), but I'm talking about giving kids a break since they almost never have a choice. Give 'em a chance.
More to the point: smoke near my son's pristine lungs and we have a problem. Your life choice and my sperm-creation don't mix well. I'll put you in a blender.
6. Screaming kids aren't our favorite either.
Restaurants aren't just for people without kids. This goes for stores, cafes and parks too. Deal with it. We do. And we usually dread every minute of it.
Some parents actually get embarrassed by their kids' outbursts. I try not to. But I will admit, I used to be one of you: a slightly judgmental, childless dude who thought 'parenting: you're doing it wrong' when I'd see child terrorists throwing a tantrum. But I've learned there are many kinds of kids with many kinds of idiosyncrasies. I get it now. Sometimes, Finn just needs to rage for a minute or 25.
7. None of this is really that important.
I'm really tired and grumpy. If you decide to have kids, you'll probably be griping about one or all of the statements above too. But for the time being, just go back to complaining about how watery your Frappuccino tastes or that you still feel tired after only 11 hours of sleep. I'll still be here, covered in someone else's feces, sleeping with my eyes open. You go ahead and finish up your quarter life crisis.
Think I'm grumpy about NON-PARENTS?
Try this etiquette article about annoying PARENTS!
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254 Comments
254 Responses to "7 Rules for Non-Parent Etiquette"
Amit says:
I can't read anything, this baby is just too cute!
All of those are true, and more.
Just imagine what about to occur: I'm a big kids lover – but if a kid in the kindergarten is insulting my kid, or tells her she is too short, or that he is not her friend or one of the stupid things that kids are saying to each other – I am ready to kill the little bastard
At the end of the day, your kids will gonna face reality by themselves, damn, I'm so not ready to it…
I know. He's very overpowering, isn't he?
That's a tough one — when a kid is beating/verbally beating your child. The hackles get raised.
Matt says:
I'd love to add a sub-category to #2 about a certain brand of domestic motorcycles who love loud exhaust systems. On more than one occasions, one of those gasholes revved their engine while passing my minivan carrying my 2 sleeping daughters. I cursed them for the next 50 miles, or so, that it took to get them back to sleep…
Now, a few years later, I am looking at getting a motorcycle, and everyone is like, "DUDE! You should just skip the Japanese bikes and get yourself a (popular domestic brand here)! They're soo much better" Nobody seems to get why I won't even consider one.
I don't know why I get so stabby and people revving their engines, beyond just wasting gas and noise pollution.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe it's because those people look like tools doing?
::I promised I was going to be nice in these comments. Not doing a good job.::
Josh says:
I agree that sometimes you want to curse at motorcycle riders who rev next to you while baby is sleeping in the back seat.
BUT… being a motorcycle rider, 'Loud Pipes Save Lives' brother! I had a quiet Japanese bike like you were talking about and I had to make I wore something bright just so I was seen! Sitting on the bike at a stoplight makes you ask yourself if you bike is still on. So those loud pipes that wake up your and my kids are there for a good reason. And on that note, give us bikers some room! Thanks!
Josh B.
Most polite disagreement I've ever seen. Kudos to you, sir!
rob says:
It's really the individual bikers that are the problem, not necessarily the bike. Some of these gasholes live on very small streets or in townhouse communities like mine and instead of being considerate, they'll ride their bike to the store at 11pm and return 20 minutes later. Please just drive your car so you don't disturb your neighbors. ::I know you own a car you son of a bitch!::
Can you tell I have a toddler and am speaking from experience? Hehe
Dante says:
Playing devil's advocate here, you're calling someone a "gas hole" but then chastising them for taking a vehicle on a short trip that spends less gas than a car.
And consider easing up on the term "gas hole" when most of the people driving huge SUVs that are the true gas guzzlers are people with kids. And I'm all for it, you need the room and the safety, etc. but it's a bit weird to see those of you using that descriptor.
painterchick says:
We've got a moron down the street who insist on revving and tearing down the street right past our house. One day he got on, gunned it around our loop and then went back in the house.
I've been tempted to leave a note (he's screaming by at least 4 houses with little kids and we have no sidewalks) but I figure anything said to a d-bag that does that will only make him act more of a dick.
Things could escalate pretty quickly.
There's a reason my husband doesn't allow me access to the paintball gun (especially since I know marbles fit through as well)
Emily says:
Loved it. I'm kidless as of yet, but I'm currently growing one, so I take these to heart. In fact, we moved into a new apartment last week (upsizing from a one-bedroom to a two-bedroom in preparation) only to discover our neighbors below are chain smokers. Can we close the windows, yes, but every time we walk out the door we are inundated with smoke clouds. Arg. It was def the first time my Mama Bear instinct kicked in. We're moving again next month. And it begins…
Yeah, you think I'm bad? My wife has a separate set of claws for people interfering or putting our son in danger.
The stereotype holds true…
Will says:
This is awesome! These rules are golden! Great work, as usual, Charlie
Thanks, Will! Tried to write something that wasn't so sappy. Turned out angry. Who knew!
Julia says:
Agree, these rules are golden!
Stephanie K. says:
OMG! the stroller thing. YES! I'm sorry but small mother pushing monstrous double stroller with two crying kids…MOVE IT OR LOSE IT! I stop for no one. If you're in my way, you get run over. Deal.
Um…I've also had almost no sleep this week with Braelyn deciding that 5:30 is a great new time to wake up…
Hehehe… yeah. I think the solar flares are making our kids have CRAZYSLEEPITIS.
It's kill or be killed out there with a double stroller. You should put a cattle-guard and some sharp blades on the wheels.
Stephanie K. says:
That's a very good idea. I might just invest in that
stacey says:
I think this idea just gave me motivation to take up blacksmithing…
Amy Mack says:
Just be aware that there are some of us who have just done double shifts delivering kids while making one of our own.
All I wanted was to get to the coffee shop. If your the mother that ran over my foot then bitched me out, I'm looking for you, and this time I've had a nap so I'll be able to scream back!
Cheryl M. says:
Those are awesome rules! There should be one more though…
#8 – If my kid says "excuse me" 8 times because he doesn't quite grasp the proper usage, please don't tell him it's cute. I hear this 20 million times a day, and will tear your face off for encouraging him to do it more.
Celia says:
at least he's saying excuse me…????
Kat says:
I think I had a full two years in this state.
Can I add one? This one still pisses me off…Don't ring the doorbell when my child is sleeping. Don't knock. Especially since I've made a little sign saying, "Child sleeping. Do NOT knock or ring the bell. Thanks." which is affixed to the front door in plain sight.
I really don't care if you have a package, or a present, or just wanted to see how we were doing because I never answer the phone anymore. Really. I probably love you, but not right now. Don't think I'm rude when I open the door and ask you if you know how to read, and if you want to come in and put my son back to sleep, because I haven't slept in a year and I'm too fucking tired to do it.
And if a new (and by new, I mean their child is under five) mom – or dad – is taking a nap? That's not a cute thing. That's sacred. You don't interrupt that any more than you'd walk into an operating room in the middle of a major surgery, sit down and try to shoot the shit with me.
This whole getting everybody to get enough sleep thing, so the zombie parents don't kill you for such offenses or their children for being strung out mini zombies – is a really, very big deal.
People who sleep do NOT tend to get it.
I think between Andy and I we have nearly 30 rules between us. It's insane.
I'm sure people without kids (or PWKs if you will) have rules for us. I'd love to hear em.
People need to grow brains!!! They're not just for science jars in med school!
Justin says:
Hi Charlie,
Though I don't have my own kids, I do have a niece and nephew and teach martial arts to children. I love children. That said, here are the rules as I would list them from a PWK standpoint. Obviously, opinions and perspectives vary, but here it is:
Rules for Parents:
1.) Restaurants: Kid's in restaurants are no problem generally speaking. However, consider the specific restaurant, the time and the day. As a former waiter, earlier is always better and Fri/Sat night are not the best if you want fine dining and want to bring young kids. On the other hand, Sunday brunch at the exact same place is a totally different story – that is by nature more kid friendly and is expected. The issue isn't kids at restaurants – that's too general.
2.) Your kid's behavior: Children in my class often behave differently depending on whether their parents are present or not. I don't have skin in the game – I'm just trying to give you facts about what I observed (bullying, what-have-you). Please just listen, take what I'm saying into consideration and weigh it against the other stuff I don't know later. I'm not judging or trying to give advice, I'm just trying to give you information with as little bias as possible.
3.) I understand a break from the action is something you need as a parent. Please, on the other hand, don't just drop your kid off like a martial arts class is day care. I've had parents drop their kids off for class when it was canceled due to bad winter weather. Emails had been sent, big posted sign in the windows for notice, etc.,… Just let them out of the car standing around outside. I've had parents show up 30 minutes or more late to pick up their children after class. Their kids are worried so I sit with them and hang out while we both wait. If it is an isolated thing, well, stuff happens but when it is more of a regular thing, come on now, really? I can help your child with coordination, concentration, self discipline, and all sorts of things but being their parents is not my job – it's your job.
4.) Smoking: If you are in a place where you know adults will be smoking (ridiculous example – cigar bar), then you made a bad choice of location. Parents have some responsibility here when making choices.
5.) Loud vehicles: I doubt anyone who has a loud stereo in their car is deliberately trying to wake your baby. That is just one possible side effect of attention seeking behavior. Though I don't have to deal with as large a repercussion, I do empathize – it drives me nuts as well. I think that one has nothing to do with parent/non-parents – it's just a specific form of dealing with assholes.
6.) Beware: As an Uncle or Aunt, I'll mention that if your kids have been out of your sight, you have no idea what they have been eating. Of course you know this already, but understand that diet is sometimes used intentionally and for specific effect.
Rules for Non-Parents:
6.) Strollers: Yes, strollers have the right of way as do kids on bikes, wheelchairs, etc.,.. If you are in a vulnerable situation (like herding small children), common curiosity should be a guide. Right of way, open and hold doors, etc.,…
2.) Smoking: If you are in a kid friendly place like a zoo, riding in a car with a kid, at a backyard cookout where you know kids will be present and you light up, you are the asshole. Take it elsewhere or don't. Non-Parents have some responsibility here when making choices.
3.) Protect kids: I think it's safe to say that killing children is frowned upon. In fact, human instinct tell us this is bad without anyone needing to teach us. So, be mindful that kids may be around and be on the lookout. If you see a ball roll into the street, expect a kid to run after it so stop. (This also applies to pets)
4.) Patience: I do get impatient when a fully grow adult can't do simple things like pre-write a check in the express lane at the grocery store. However, a fully grow adult knows the rules and if they ignore them, they are an asshole. A kid doesn't know or is experimenting with the rules. Let them.
5.) Understanding kids: Be it as a parent, uncle, teacher, whatever, spend some time with children once in a while.
6.) I read this somewhere and it is true: No matter how much of a bad-ass you are, if a toddler hands you a toy telephone, you answer it.
stacey says:
I'm beginning to see that the coming Zombie Apocolypse will be brought on by sleep deprived parents that eat the UPS guy…
Mary Kate says:
YES! THIS! I made a sign saying "Baby sleeping, please do NOT knock or ring the door bell" when my 1st was napping and, without fail, the stupid UPS and FexEx guys would ring the bell just so I could come to the door for a package (that didn't even need to be signed for)! Then my 100lb dog would start barking, therefore waking up my child! UGH! Seriously!!!!
Sonia says:
May I advise to change the message of your sign: Parents having sex.
It is disgusting, depending on who the person thinks about. But believe me it will work better;-)
javadiva withdogs says:
I think I would have cut the wires in the doorbell, myself, but I've been pretty lucky. We're all pretty good sleepers in my family. My mother used to run the vacuum while we took naps when I was a kid. The things that impinged on sleep most were sick kids, full time work schedule, and just stuff that had to get done. Hear ya. Fantasizing about sleep? Then you know you're a parent.
Caleb says:
Ha, well said overall.
Elizabeth says:
Somedays I think there is no hope for humanity. People do the most irritating things around kids. My "kids" are now 26 and 21, but I still remember what it was like to go to the restaurant with children, or trying to get through a crowd of people with a stroller, or through a shops doorway.
I vow NEVER to be that old person that forgot what that was all like!
And, what is it with creeps trying to touch your babies face or hands! See with your eyes not you hands weirdos!!
Great rules
Dad with a two and one year old says:
I have rule #9 for you.
Keep you sugar treats to yourself. Dont give either of my boys any random candy, licorice, lollipop, ice cream or cookie. I get it, he's cute, you want him to like you. If you give my kid this shit: (1) if im there I will say no way, which makes my kid hate me. (2) if your crack cocaine gets into his blood stream he will never take a nap or go to sleep. He wont want to eat dinner or any legit food ever again. He'll think im stopping him consuming the best food he's ever had.
Let it be known that the next person who gives my kids candy will get there hand lopped off.
Reading this makes me homicidal. I'm sure Andy would agree.
Dad with a two and one year old says:
Hahahaha, the next person who gives my kids candy will get it crammed down their throat!
stacey says:
I aim for the left nostril. Tends to get the point across very well.
Evonne says:
laughing so hard right now!!!
This is so true and beautifully stated. Whenever this happens with me, some random person offering my kids candy, after I'm done handling the aftermath, I also find myself wondering "WTF ARE YOU DOING?!? You know who else offers kids candy? That's right! From the open door of a mysterious van!" This is just NOT a good idea just from bad association. Grow brains, people!!!
Kristina says:
Yes, please. This is SO rude of others! If I decide to create a Tasmanian Devil, let me do it on my own. Don't go ahead and offer it up and then ask "oh is it okay". Just make me look like a &*tch and force me to traumatize my child by taking it away the second you look away. grrrr.
Jaya says:
OMG, I have a 10 month old. I look forward to the moment!
Amy says:
I had to give this exact warning to my Mom one year at Easter after she thought it was funny to visit us, stuff my toddler full of jelly beans until he was bouncing off the wall, then giggle maniacally as she walked out the door about "grandparent's revenge". I told her, "Old woman, I love you. But if you EVER do that again, I'll make sure when we next come to visit your house (with her lovely white wall-to-wall carpets and antique doilies on the furniture) I'll let him run loose with an open cup of cranberry juice, then leave." She never did it again.
Ivy says:
Perfect. Filing this one away for future reference
Travis says:
Ahhh, it's things like these that make me realize how grateful I am (and the rest of the world should be) that I don't have children.
Me and sleep deprivation don't get along.
You are a far, far, FAR better man than I.
@ieatmykidzsnack says:
I think you're selfish & kind of a dick.
I want more hate mail than you loverrrrrrrrrr
(Insert hateful retaliatory comment here)
Desiree says:
You left out my favorite rule… 8. Don't provide unwanted parenting advice. You have no idea how many times I've been told how to parent my children by people with no kids, simply because my daughter pulled off her diaper and rolled all over their white carpet, or decided that someone's dangling earrings were ripe for the picking.
My (single, hot-bodied, wealthy, not-a-hard-up-day-in-her-life) cousin is among these kind of people. I see red when she talks about how bringing a baby on an airplane should be outlawed. Or how poorly new mothers drive. Really? I mean, seriously? How is a mom supposed to get from Dallas to LA? You try driving 3 days on two hours sleep with a baby throwing a tantrum and kicking you in the back because of the hated carseat that cost a year's pay. Oh wait, you can't. You're on a weekender in Monaco again.
Desiree says:
Ha! I guess this was rule ten.
Margaret says:
I totally agree! I actually am aware that I am new to parenting, thank you, so please stop with the unsolicited advice – If I thought you had some insight to provide, I'd ask you for it. Until then, all you complete strangers and gym/work acquaintances, please stop telling me I have to give him a sibling so as not to spoil him, tactics I should try to get him to sleep through the night (we're lucky, he sleeps on his own), what to feed him and when, and how to handle an active little boy. I am 33 damn years old and have two masters' degrees, I can figure it out.
On the other hand, please feel free to keep commenting on how happy/adorable/big he is. He loves the attention. But keep your dirty hands out of his face! You know so much about kids, don't you know they put everything in their mouths?
Feels good to get that out.
The funny thing is, I can almost see a light go on when a non-parent starts lecturing or advising about parenting. It's like a blue light special on used toothbrushes: they're free but nobody wants them.
Gabi Barbará says:
I am a non-parent! hahahaha but I think this "unwanted advice rule" kind of applies with everything in life, doesn't it?
The thing about PWK is that they only have 2 options: either someday they will have their kids, and they will know how it is to be without sleep, and stuff (and you can look at them with that "Your time will come" face). Or they won't. And if they don't… who's gonna take care of them when they get old? Don't mind about your cousin, you have your baby. You may not have sleep (for now), but you have something better.
Rule 8 – keep your damn kids away from us
Amy says:
I got *very* defensive on the unsolicited parenting advice, especially during the time we learned our son was Autistic. It wasn't officially confirmed until he was almost 5, but we started noticing the warning signs when he was 2 1/2. We took him to the zoo in Seattle and he was having a great time, and we stopped to watch the elephant show. After it ended and the crowd started to applaud, he lost it – he started shrieking bloody murder and I thought he was hurt. It turned out that it was the sound of the applause that scared him. It was pure sensory overload surrounding him and he had no idea how to process it. But that didn't stop people from looking at us like we were fail parents or making snide remarks when they thought we were out of earshot.
Another time we had to leave the birthday party of a friend's child when I heard my boy screaming at the other kids – they were playing a game, one of the other kids cheated and tried to change the rules for a 'do over' (which you just cannot do with an Autistic kid – they're very literal and don't take sudden changes to the established rules well) and then laughed at him when he protested. When I heard him scream out of frustration I bolted out of the house to intervene, and the boy's mother teased that I was just being over-protective, and made a joke about 'too bad we can't make aerosol prozac…' We never went back.
Even after learning about Autism and confirming the diagnosis, it took years for me to get my mother to understand that he wasn't just throwing a tantrum for attention – he was trying desperately to tell me something but couldn't put the words together to say it and he was frustrated. She was full of sage wisdom and none of it helpful, which only added to mine and my husband's frustration at the lack of understanding or support.
So yes, please – if you see a little one pitching a fit in public, don't be so quick to assume that they're undisciplined or spoiled. Maybe they are in genuine distress and don't have the ability to communicate quickly enough. Getting in their face demanding answers only makes them panic and more flustered. Have some compassion for them and for their parents, because believe me they would much rather their child wasn't impaired either, and are desperately trying to help them through childhood while constantly adjusting to the different ways their baby processes information.
alkd says:
Amen, Amy. Regardless of where a child is on the neuro spectrum, most tantrums are caused by a lack of ability to communicate and how overwhelmingly frustrating/ incapacitating/ depressing that can be to any human. Media shows tantrums as the direct result of a spoiled child (which, yes, happens), but all children have tantrums or meltdowns, because all children are developing at a rate where their communication skills do not quite match their need to communicate. This is especially true for children who are affected by anything that hinders their communicative skills, because those children must deal with the frustration and sense of powerlessness so much more often. As adults, trying to empathize with where a tantrum is coming from emotionally is the only helpful way to respond to a tantrum.
Isa says:
Totally agree!
My best friend's girlfriend does that, being one of those PWKs. She has no experience or related profession to provide any helpful advice and I'm not asking for one, even as single parenthood seems really hard.
I swear, next time she feels entitled to to give me advice, I'll probably kick her in the face.
Lori @ I Can Grow People says:
Dude, I wish I could send you hugs and hours of sleep via the internet. I'm sorry I can't. Regarding number 6, a restaurant in the next town over from me just made national news because they have establish a "No children under 6 years old" rule. It makes me want to leave flaming dirty diapers in their parking lot.
We'll light the diapers. You throw.
stacey says:
No throwing the flaming dirty diapers… instead create a new Urban Art Installation on the manager's car, using creative verbage
LOL! "Urban Art Installation" is my favorite phrase for the week.
And it should be that way everywhere.
Stephanie says:
Why are you on the How to be a DAD website if you obviously don't like children?!
javadiva withdogs says:
This has got to be illegal. They clearly deserve their remaining customers then.
Have to say that with kids with usual sensory processing and normal age related self control or lack of it, being prepared to just leave the store or restaurant when a meltdown happens has made them extremely rare in our household. Most kids like the novelty of the experience and if not on the first few times, do eventually learn to use self control to continue participating in the experience. Now if my daugter gets in a mood or just wants to exert some power into the situation, we really just have to get to the front door of the store and she's ready to have a second chance at doing it again but better.
Knowing when is when can be tricky, but trying it again the next day with a kid who is just a little less hungry or tired can make a big difference.
"You go ahead and finish up your quarter life crisis" ROFL — LOVE it man!
All I can say Charlie is just you wait — number two will come and you really WILL be ready to do some serious harm to someone giving you a dirty look in the restaurant. In fact, it is probably safest if you keep steak knives away from everyone at the table!
Twingle Mommy says:
#4 cracked me up!! I'm going to add to #1. If you see a parent with twin babies in a double stroller and a 1 year old (yep that was me)open the damn door for her! She cannot open the door and wrangle 3 kids inside easily on her own! BTW-men are the worst offenders at not holding the door open for me, moms are the best. Go figure!
Desiree says:
I feel ya. Props from a fellow twingle momma.
Stephanie K. says:
Oh yes that too!! I have two in a double stroller and some people walk right past me and let te door swing shut on me!!! Really!? Really people?!?
stacey says:
I find this deplorable… I tell people all the time that when I hold the door for them and they look at me like a freak that its the only useful skill I retained from high school. Usually makes people laugh. I also hate the thought of what this must be like for my wife.
Chrissy says:
But you CHOSE that. With parenting there comes rewards and difficulties.
I grew up as a stair-step kid and I'm purposely choosing to keep my kids 4-years apart agewise. (It'll help me afford college for them too.)
People without kids already supplement our kids future via taxes, what else do we want?
Amanda says:
I've had this happen while pushing my severely disabled daughter in her wheelchair. WHEELCHAIR! You don't SEE me? Really? You thought it was perfectly acceptable to let the door almost slam shut on her feet because you figured faking me out into thinking you were holding it open was FUNNY? Now I gotta have my 5 year old child hold the door open for me, and she's lucky if the door doesn't push her back. I can't tell you how many times people have just stood and watched while I struggled to hold the door open and shove the wheelchair through without running over my own toes.
Mike says:
My favorite part: "Your life choice and my sperm-creation don't mix well"!
Dawn says:
Is it bad that i go ahead and hit people with the stroller after they look right from me to stroller to me and dont move? Cause i do…
No. In fact, I applaud you and will be employing that tactic myself now. Thank you and f##k them.
Dawn says:
If we hit enough people, driving a stroller will be the sidewalk equivalent of a cop car at getting people to move it!
Laura says:
..Forgive me, but has it occurred to anyone to simply say "Excuse me"? Yes, the person blocking your path is rude. But you're just as rude if you don't gently ask to get by before ramming them in the shins. Sheesh, folks.
i want to put somebody in a blender!!! that sounds like fun!
Jaya says:
Fungus fingers and flapping tongues will definitly blend!
tonya vandt says:
Curteous suppose to be a two way street not always. I might be a mother but your a inspiration. Keep up good work my hubby wants to learn more hes a great dad also
1 and 1 on the way says:
Liking the new you. Roll with it.
Even though he's depicted here with Superman's "STFU laser stare," Charlie is like the Incredible Hulk, except you WILL like him when he's angry. He doesn't get all green and stuff of course, but sometimes when he exerts himself his clothes explode off.
Mike says:
Rule #7: yeah I saw you there, lol… I actually didn't bother with more than waving hello because you really looked like… like you might actually bite or something but that it wasn't my fault, just accept the bite sort of thing.
Now I know the sort of week you were wrapping up with your Bloomin' Onion appetizer at Outback, the Australian restaurant that actually doesn't really have anything Australian about it. But decent eats. And child friendly!
irishtrash5 says:
#1… my personal pet peeve of them all… this weekend we went to the Americana and after 5 minutes I found myself deiberately aiming straight ahead and staring down everyone walking towards us, ready to snap out with unbridled rage at anyone daring to get in my way (we have a side-by-side double stroller for Liam and Braelyn)… which suddenly no one was doing… 15 minutes later after walking out of a store I found myself on a collison course with another stroller… my mind froze up for 10 seconds while it tried to readjust to this new unforseen element in my stroller rage, before I realized it was the mother pushing it, so Gentleman 1.5 kicked in and I moved out of her way about 2 inches short of disaster….
I want to put a spiked cow-catcher, like Road Warrior, and rotating wheel blades like Grease or Ben Hur on our stroller.
Chrissy says:
This is why the side-by-side double stroller is one of the worst inventions. They're the stroller version of buying an SUV when a van will do.
In the late 80s/early90s my mom had a "tandem" double stroller for my sisters and it was so much easier as she also had me and my autistic brother to corral as well.
Erich says:
We have a tandem stroller as well. I could never fathom using a side-by-side.
Julia says:
So I worked at Outback in college, and a family came in who let their kids play and eat the steak knives. By kids, I really mean infants. You're saying this was a problem? I think you're far too sensitive and you should let you kids smoke a little, isn't moderation fine? Duct tape was created for little rages they have in restaurants. You should try it. On all levels, I'm kidding. Except for the duct tape. My mom always said duct tape fixed everything.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You and your mother are brilliant.
Amy Gulli says:
This it outstanding. And dead on.
BTW, if you're trying to invoke hate mail, put up a post specifically about a time your kids were hellish in a restaurant. This post that I did (http://www.yorkblog.com/mommy/2010/07/since-its-been-1000-degrees.html) drew such hate mail that I had to write a follow-up (http://www.yorkblog.com/mommy/2010/07/annoying-and-cranky-part-ii.html) so people wouldn't come flambe my house.
I actually had one person who read that post tell me I'm the type of parent who should take my kids only to McDonald's so they can hose down the playplace after my hoodlums have raged. LOL.
You guys rock. Found you recently and am enjoying every dang thing you put up!
Emily says:
Amy, I read your post (and the comments that followed), and I LOVED IT! I say if you think we look like crazy people eating out and that we're doing a crappy job (even if my husband IS with us), you should try it. Seriously, people, it's harder than it freakin' looks!
Non-Stop Mom says:
Perfect. Simply perfect. You've just put into words everything that I feel about how other people behave. Drives me insane. And after having 5 kids in less than 8 years, I've dealt with a lot of idiotic people – and have rammed into more than a few of them with a stroller.
I betcha wish you could beam destructo hate rays out of your eyes like Charlie can. It sounds like you could have used them. 5 Kids!
It's a vagina not a clown car. I love it when you douche bags run into me – a couple bitch slaps and 2 assault charges on you breeders
Thad says:
Since my wife and I have been married, we have been compiling our own list of rules for people with kids (basically rules for us to follow once we have kids–first one is due tomorrow!). People without kids can be inconsiderate, but we've seen plenty of those with kids who are just as bad. The worst one in recent days was when we went to a midnight movie premiere and a couple in front of us brought their newborn. I mean, come on, it's two hours of extremely loud sounds and bright lights in the middle of the night. Did you really think your baby would just sit quietly and watch? I don't begrudge people with kids their opportunities to go out and enjoy a movie, but is it that difficult to find a babysitter? If so, maybe you should stick with Netflix for the time being. Or go to the dollar theater. I expect lots of kids and noise when watching a movie for a dollar.
Anyway, that's just one of the many things on our list of rules of etiquette for when our daughter arrives. Hopefully other people will return the favor and stay out of the way when my stroller rolls by (or over) them.
Ralph says:
Y'know, Dad, I'm sick of moms and dads in their SUV-sized strollers taking up all the room in the aisles and sidewalks. I know your brains are dead, but kindly have some awareness of what's going on around you and let the unencumbered people by. Please? You chose to have kids; you chose to buy a stroller with more cupholders than my car has; you chose to buy all that crap you carry in your stroller. Kindly have the manners not to hog the whole right of way. Often, no one can get out of the way of that monster stroller you've blocked the path with. There's a reason people are hostile to parents pushing strollers.
And yes, I'm sick of your screaming kids in the restaurants and the supermarkets. I'm sick of your screaming kids. I'm sick of listening to you yelling "Skylar. Skylar! Stop that!" while your precious little snowflake ignores you because your little Skylar knows you ceded control long ago. You had the kid, not me. If you're kid's too young to be at a restaurant, leave it home. Sheesh! Ask Miss Manners when it's proper to bring a child to a restaurant and follow her advice. Ask Miss Manners what to do when you precious baby has a melt-down in a store or restaurant and follow her advice. Please!
Even though the kid has no manners, it would be nice if the parents did. Manners don't go out the window just because you have a baby on board.
Finally, a counterpoint to my wrath rant.
1. Totally agree with you. Just like modern cars, we've gone out of control on the size and scope of the vehicle. But I don't need to preach to you, you're obviously from San Francisco and live on Veggie Oil and algae. I don't have a monster stroller. I have the lowest profile stroller you can get without it being an umbrella stroller. Maybe, if you took a second to catch your wits, and actually look where you're walking, I might be able to pass you. Also, try not to sneer as I fumble getting through a door and making you pause for 15 extra seconds. But it's a two-way street. You let me pass, like a good little pedestrian, and I won't slash your achilles tendon with my gladiator style blades attached to the stroller wheels.
2. Oh, screaming kids. Where do I start? You were once a screaming kid, but no one put you out of your misery and no one kept in you in basement. Would you rather I strangle/chloroform my child in an effort to fetter your sensitivities. If you don't like loud noises or inconveniences like children and laughter, maybe you should stay home?
3. I try to have manners with people who have manners with me. It's not a perfect system. People who scream at their kid with equal volume to their kids don't curry favor with me. But more to the point, people who huff and puff at breeding and children, don't get my respect. Maybe I should try harder. Or maybe I should give my child a megaphone when he starts screaming so you get a comparative sense for life. Just remember, you can walk away. I won't. Ever.
Dante says:
I don't know Charlie, I've loved your blog for years and I like a lot of this post! A lot I don't like and I appreciate you being willing to talk to those of us who'd like to counter a few things. Your last sentence sounds like a victimized posture – of course you can't walk away, you're a dad. You chose it. I can't walk away from being infertile and unable to have children. We share the planet together and frankly, I'm subsidizing your lifestyle and your kids with my taxes while you get to take paternity and maternity leave and I get regular old vacation. And that's ok. But consider that you using the term "gas hole" is ironic, given most of the families I know drive around in huge SUVs to carry all of the stuff that babies need. And I'm glad you have that option to keep your babies safe. You also have to take two spots. You also want to have your little ones practice walking up stairs when there are 20 people behind you in rush hour, trying to run to catch their train. Parents need to remind themselves that no one is out to get you – we're trying to accommodate you and we're just as tired as you are, even if you want to believe you've cornered the market on fatigue (you haven't).
Thanks for letting me respond. This entry, while funny and I'm sure quite validating to many parents, was disappointing and I'm sure losing one reader won't be any big deal, I'm sure you'll gain a hundred for every one of me that leaves.
But all those cupholders are amazing!!! You just don't understand the power of the cupholder side of the Force.
Ralph, who exactly is it that you think is going to clean your diarrhea ridden ass when you're old and infirm?
Other people's children. OUR children.
Would you prefer those caregivers have some manners when they're wiping the spittle from your chin? Some compassion while they treat your oozing bedsores? Some empathy as they carefully measure your pain medication, your dementia medication, your covered-by-insurance erectile dysfunction medication?
Would you like the heart surgeon, the brain surgeon, the oncologist who's going to save your life someday to have life experiences that teach them patience, and impulse control, and that other people matter?
Well guess whose job it is to teach these skills? These SOCIAL skills? These skills that can only be taught and practiced around other PEOPLE?
As parents it's OUR JOB to teach these skills to our children wherever we happen to be when the opportunity arises. Keeping our children sheltered from an increasingly hostile society in no way aids in the education of the next generation leaders, of service personnel, of social and political activists, of garbage collectors, of water treatment plant techs, of whatever performers of vital societal function our children may turn out to be. To keep them sheltered from restaurants and sidewalks because YOU DON'T LIKE HAVING TO BE A NICE PERSON FOR 2 SECONDS OF YOUR DAY AND STEPPING ASIDE FOR SOMEONE ELSE is helpful to no one.
Not even to you.
Tip your hat to the next tiny human in a stroller you see, Ralph. They may very well be keeping you alive in your golden years.
You should be so lucky.
So EPIC response. There isn't a good acknowledgment of it. Period.
Ivy says:
I just posted this on my facebook. I'm not a parent yet but my life is full of littles from my sisters and cousin so I am an ally.
intentionally belligerent says:
And just how do you think children are going to learn how to behave when out? They don't exactly respond to the "How to Behave in Public" lecture series very well. Parents have to choose to take the little jerks out at 2, 3, 5 or 10 years old. The point is that they're going to have to learn how to behave at some point and until they're in that situation they won't. Also, when you see a child melting down in the checkout line at Target take a moment and think back at how many kids you passed quietly minding their parents. I guarantee there are a lot more being well behaved than are making that whole 3 minutes of your life absolutely unbearable.
Emily says:
"If you're kid's too young to be at a restaurant, leave IT home." HAHAHAHA!
First of all: YOUR, not "you're."
Second: It's obvious from your consideration that children are belongings (i.e., "it")as opposed to human people that you've got difficulty considering the human-ness of a situation!
Dante says:
Thank you.
JamieAT says:
I want to add to #6 – It is NOT FUN to fly with a baby in your lap, so DO NOT complain about crying or how uncomfortable it makes you! Seriously? HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?! Stop feeling bad for yourself and feel bad for me!!
Soooooooooooooooo true. I can imagine the mean, narrow-minded response of "Well then! You just shouldn't fly then should you, breeder! Take a train or a car or something! And I don't care if you're going to Hawaii! Ever hear of jetskis!?!" from some self-centered moron who was grown without parents in a petre dish to full adult size so he never had a childhood.
Chrissy says:
Nope. Once again being a parent is a choice and you have to be prepared. Also a child under 2 flies for FREE.
My sister-in-law and her then-husband flew to Australian with her then 2-year-old. Her and her hubby saved up enough money to buy him his own seat. Was it expensive, oh yeah but she said it made the whole trip less stressful for all of them.
One thing I do hate is when people won't switch seats so families can sit next to each other. That's just selfish and unnecessary.
JamieAT says:
Children under 2 fly for FREE IN YOUR LAP.
Frankie says:
It's only free internally in the US. If you fly internationally, the kid stays in your lap, but you have to pay.
Secondly, as in my situation, I was pretty much forced by the family to fly the baby over to the UK, to be introduced to all the relatives. I didn't really want to go, my baby had no clue what was going on and who were all those people, but hey, they baby-mania got satisfied. I bet there are plenty more parents like that you'd meet on a plane. They don't want to be there with their distressed child as much as you're wishing them gone. Cut us some slack. We're trying to humor The Family. Otherwise, they'll all want to visit. *shudder*
javadiva withdogs says:
There are kind people who don't mind kids and often other families to sit near. Doesn't every one have earbuds now anyways? I keep coming back to Southwest because their self seating allows those who don't mind the noise of children or babies and those who do to segregate them selves accordingly. Seems such a logical solution. Wish all the airlines did this.
Don't bring the little bastage on the plane – I paid $875 for this ticket. I do not want to nor should I have to listen to your brat.
JamieAT says:
Sorry, but paying a lot of money for something doesn't somehow afford you new rights to a silent atmosphere. :/ People of any age have the right to fly on a plane. If you don't want to fly with other passengers, save up all that money for your own private plane Mr. Moneybags.
Irena says:
You forgot to tell him you paid more than him. (For you & your child.) so you win!
Jack says:
one of my favorite blog posts ever!
James says:
try not being such assholes so what you didnt get a lot of sleep welcome to child rearing. people get aggravated with annoying things get over it.they didn't have kids you did so you deal with it accordingly. you can' t stop people from smoking so keep your kids away from the situation.. what you can't notice a lit cigarette from across the room… deal with your children correctly stop bitching about PWK's shut the hell up got three myself 6, 7, and 8… think it wasn' t hard haaaa.. didn' t hear me infringing on the rights of others…
Avara says:
Hmmm…anyone want to place bets James is a smoker???
since youve established we are assholes I will respond accordingly so youre not surprised no we will not shut the hell up by the way thats horrible advice for anyone running a blog words and communication are kind of necessary to the endeavor Charlie and I cant imagine what kind of pycho juice youve got ready to spray on the subjects of the elderly single moms the handicapped and concentration camp escapees we're also wondering what punctuation ever did to you.
ps Im betting that being your kid is harder for the kids than it is for you to be their parent
Bra-vo. ::SlowClap::
Andy, you da man.
BA says:
James, please go straight to third grade grammar class. You are dropping your periods like a knocked up school girl.
amanda says:
i seriously have no idea what James is saying. i have read it 4 times and i cannot comprehend!
best reply. period. and i don't mean menstrual.
Pious says:
I'm from Australia, out here we have laws against smoking such as smoking in a car with kids is illegal, smoking in a restraunt is illegal.
So they all decide to smoke outside the doors of shops and restraunts so that you have to take a deep breath and run the gauntlet of smoke which always ends in coughing and childrens tears.
What really pisses me off is when parents (and it is usually the type that name their kids after luxury cars they will never be able to afford or european cities they will never see) smoke in child play areas, where there are no smoking signs up.
I dont mind that people want to kill themselves slowly, they are quite sadistic and enjoy the feeling of rotting their lungs… but dont do it to my kids or I am going to punch you. Stop stealing oxygen from people who need it.
oread says:
I love this!
That said, I totally understand why people hate parents with strollers. Particularly those double-wide ones. Honestly, they take up the whole damn sidewalk. And its like they never move, they just mill around and block the narrowest part of the aisle. I don't care how sleep deprived a parent is, they should at least keep in mind there are other people around them and that they could kindly move out of the flow of traffic before stopping. I have a kid also (in a carrier, because I feel like an asshole pushing around a stroller the size of my car) and if I thought it would be helpful to kick you in the kneecaps, I would.
Chrissy says:
Agreed. I also didn't buy a huge ass SUV because I NEEDED extra room for a stroller or car seat. Amazing how all his stuff fits in my hatchback with room for 2 more people in the back! It must be witchcraft!
ralda says:
All I have to say is this reminds me of a quote
"don't judge our generation until you look at the generation who raised it."
Im sure our children will be sitting complaining ab0ut the same stuff, just on a more complex laptop/ ipad/ phone
Elizabeth says:
Love your website. I have a complaint against other parents. Just because I am watching my three kids does not mean I have the ability to watch your kids too. I was at a party the other day and it was all oh, Elizabeth's back there let's just drop off our crazy kids and go get our drink on. I wouldn't mind so much if at least I got the offer to tag out. Also, I have put my 2 mth old in the pack n play off to the side for a reason. It is not cute or funny when your child tries to climb in there with him. It is also not adorable when they want to "share their toys with him" aka drop stuff on his head. Watch your kids people and I will watch mine.
My wife and I have never done this and never will. I will also never understand the mentality of someone who has kids and uses this logic: if she can handle 3 she can handle 5.
Sara @tomthegirl says:
agreed. i used to nanny 3 kids (ages 2-5) with my then newborn in tow. the neighbors regularly sent 4 of their children over for me to watch. 8 kids? no thank you.
Ivy says:
regularly? did they not get the hint the first time you said no?
Krystal says:
"I will put you in a blender." L O L
I will also add: Do not look at me (or my husband) in pity if we are wearing said child. Babywearing rocks and it's not spoiling my child. Plus, there is little things more attractive than a man wearing a baby. Truth. Also? Respect personal space if I am babywearing. You bump me or my child I will give you the death stare and may read you your rights.
Avara says:
Krystal…so true!!! The first time I saw Charlie wearing Finn…well, let's just say he enjoyed the evening
Ken says:
I don't know, for strollers: You have 6 things, I have 2 so you're the one crowding the sidewalk and should make some allowance for getting out of people's way.
And if you have a kid who's screaming and you don't take him away from a restaurant/public thing then YOU are the asshole. These places aren't only for single people, but they ARE for quiet enjoyment and a kid doesn't really make you special enough to ruin everybody elses time, including the parents that have thought of ways to keep their kids quiet.
Wait, really? The Outback is where you go for your "Quiet Enjoyment"?
That's cool, I guess…
I'm certainly not suggesting that a child throwing a tantrum not be removed from a restaurant. But. Children are allowed to make noise. Just like you. They're people, see.
Sara @tomthegirl says:
one more from me: it is never EVER ok to go up to a stranger's kid and tell them that you are going to chase and "get" them. especially if you are an old man. missing teeth. not cute.
now my daughter won't let me put her down any time we are in the grocery store.
scarred for life.
also? give me a little room when i'm standing there strapping my kid into her car seat. do you REALLY have to crowd me by parking THAT close???
April says:
Stop making me feel for you with your hilarious blogging Charlie. Stoppit dammit.
Kendra says:
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all of this, including all of the responses. I know I have about 5 other rules to add, witty comments and retorts, and some harsh words for those incapable of looking at a point of view not their own. But I'm a tired mama and can't think of a single thing. Kudos. Thanks for the entertainment. Keep up the good work parents! Just remember, our kids will help weed out the jerks from civilization.
Lindsay Dianne says:
These are great tips. Of course parents and non-parents have moments alike. But I definitely feel for the issue brought up in the comments with unsolicited parenting advice. Also, unwanted contact. Especially bothers new parents.
Leslie @blockmomnc says:
Love it, these are things we all want to say but sometimes are to nice to say it! You go dad!
Those are hilarious and oh so true, keep up the great daddying dude!! I can certainly tell you love that baby!
You guys crack me up!
Another rule suggestion:
Don't tell me what your parents claimed you supposedly did when you were my kids age. Also, don't then compare your delusional self important infant milestones to what my spawns are doing. Your parents are assholes and lied to you. You did not potty train at the after of 2 months and you were not speaking in full sentences at 7 months old. There isn't anything "wrong" with my kid there is something wrong with your concept of reality. Jackass.
Jujuba says:
You could write some Rules for Parent Etiquette, please! Things like:
• Don't change your baby's dipper on your friend's expensive carpet.
• Don't leave your baby's dippers anywhere outside of the trash bin (NOT on the sofa, NOT on the stairs, and for your friendship's sake: NOT on the dining table)
• Ask for a plastic bag if the dipper is exhaling funk fragrances.
• No, it's not a good idea to start trying to quit dippers use while you're staying over your relatives/friend's house.
• It's not cute to let toddlers feed themselves on your friends party, leaving food all around the floor.
• Glasses are big responsibility. If your toddler is not ready to handle it, it's no shame if he/she uses a baby bottle.
• Don't take the stroller when you're visiting somebody unless it's strictly necessary (for carrying your baby from the car to the house you can use your arms, baby carrier or even a baby sling).
• If you have to take the stroller, make sure the tires are clean and dry.
• Don't park the stroller it in the middle of the room. Your friend wouldn't bring his/her bicycle to the middle of your room either.
• And never, ever, scream at your toddler. Specially when you're in somebody else's home.
I love little people but these are some things that parents do that spoil the joy of having them over. Am I asking for too much?
Matt says:
What's a dipper?
It's a constellation of stars.
K says:
K says:
Honestly, if you have friends like that you may want to rethink your choices in who you surround yourself with. I couldn't imagine one of my friends doing any of that and I have quite a few friends with babies and kids.
Ivy says:
Another one: Don't change your baby at the table in a restaurant.
chad says:
You go tiger . When raising my 3 luvs I many a times felt that way to. children are the most precious in God's kingdom . Anyone who messes with them should have their ass beat. We are there only protection , next to the hand of God . We are to be there role models and guidance.as far as the smoke in the air goes, you can help make a difference in the air quality all together , by planting a tree. Together let's save the planet and help build a better future for our children. Help us reach the goal of 10,000,000 trees planted by the end of 2011 . This is what it's all about , community betterment ,people helping people Thank-you and God Bless.
Guy Baley says:
Testify, Brother! Amen!
Preach the parent gospel my brother.
Chris V says:
The smoker one is as truthful as they come. I'm a smoker, haven't smoked in my house in almost a year (the baby's only 5 months old though). Have cleaned, painted, disinfected everything in the house to remove any smoking remnants. I have no problem sitting outside of my own house to smoke, and have refused to go to people's houses who won't do the same. Just not worth it, and I'll quit smoking as soon as I'm ready.
I love the anti-breeders who say smoking and children have equal rights. "It's not my fault you had a kid." That logic baffles me.
On the same token, you quit whenever you want. It's your body. If people keep their smoke away from my kid in public places, I have no problem.
Ryan says:
I, unfortunately, am still a smoker. I have tried to quit multiple times, but I evidently have the willpower of a Jenny Craig client in the pastry aisle. With that said, when I smoke, I do so outside, across the yard and always wear a robe to do my best to keep the smell off of me. When I'm done, I come inside, wash my hands and rinse my mouth before I go near my son.
So, if I go through that to keep it away from him, what makes you think it's appropriate to go near him with your cigarette. I swear to Little Baby Jesus, the next douchebag that does that… I'm gonna remove their testicles/ovaries with a pair of baby nail clippers.
I think I need to retain your services, Captain BabyNailClippers.
And thanks for making me want a pastry. DAMMIT.
KRS says:
I have two kids (4 & 6) and though I have greater empathy I still can't stand crying babies on planes, kids running around restaurants and slow strollers on narrow sidewalks. I have had 3 face offs with kids, not their parents, who have terrorized mine and I refer to the "separate set of claws" as "Lioness Syndrome" – mess with my kid and I'll tear your throat out.
It's a tough one. Disciplining other people's kids is one of those VERY subjective things. Far be it from me to tell everyone how to do it.
This kid kicked sand, purposefully, in my son's two-year-old face. He was a bit older. When I instructed him to stop, he did it again. A part of me wanted to drop kick him – not gonna lie – but another part realized there was a parent who should be doing their job, watching over this terrorist. A parent intervened before I laced up my cleats and took care of it. I guess I just needed a moment of patience.
But if it had continued… ::cue Bruce Banner going nuts music::
Kristina says:
I love this post Charlie!!! Since I raised Piper mainly in Texas I probably wouldn't have totally related cuz man…doors were opened, waiters were quick to the draw to bring crayons, napkins, people got out of the way, whatever was needed. Moms and their kids ruled the street. But having just moved back to LA, it's such a culture shock. Even though I was born and raised here – I am stunned. And I hear you!!! People just straight up walking in front of the stroller, not offering to open the door, ignorning my daughter when she says Hi. It's really sad and bums me out. We suck…generation whatever we're called. We were obviously not raised,"we" meaning in general, to respect, love and appreciate children. Somewhere along the line, that loving feeling was lost. We became such a cyber materialistic and selfish society. Seriously, I feel like all your points are symptoms of the problem. I'd like to somehow change that because kids rule. They're the best thing that could happen to anyone and most of the shit they do is freaking amazing. If those people would even take one second to open their eyes, it'd be a society changer. xo
Annie says:
I cannot stand when creepy people insist on touching my child. One time while shopping this creepy old man straight out of Family Guy started to touch my daughters leg as she sat in the cart. HONESTLY. I just started moving and gave him the evil eye.
I rarely have problems with her behavior in public, but if she is screaming then I remove her until she can behave. I am not a fan of people that spead hours in walmart with a screaming baby and they seem to ignore the baby the entire time. I recall standing in the back of a store breastfeeding my daughter because I HAD to get stuff at the store but she couldn't go any longer. In the end if I parent really needs milk or whatever I understand if they are running in with a screaming baby and running out. Sometimes we do what we gotta do. As a single parent sometimes I just have to brave the store if she is in a bad mood.
I am thankful that now she is old enough, so I can set my behavior standards prior to leaving the house. If we are heading to the library I go over the library behavior rules. Inside voice, no running, etc. This seems to work. If I forget to set my standards before then the trips is always really really bad.
In the end we are TIRED. We are so very very very TIRED. I thought it was tired when I was working 16-19 hour days in the military. Then I had a kid and I realized I had NO clue what TIRED was. I get it now.
Chrissy says:
You are amazing! And I'm happy to hear no one gave you crap about BF in public. If someone can walk around sipping on Starbucks my baby can get a pick me up from my boob.:)
I love the library rules thing. I'm definitely going to try that when my son is old enough.
Annie says:
Thanks Chrissy! I swear setting the rules up prior to getting to where ever you are going is very helpful. When we get to the library then I just say: no running remember the rules we talked about. I am understanding because the library is fun but if she wants to throw fits then we leave. I am not going to take her to a fun place if she can't behave. As far as the breastfeeding goes I would use a blanket if in public. I was seriously standing in the last isle of the store feeding her enough to calm her down so I could check out and leave. lol
Dorian Menz says:
I don't know why but I think I'm gonna send this to my mother in law.
I don't care why, it's amazing all on it's own, that statement. Ha ha! Does it even need an explanation?
CW says:
Parents who believe that the entire world should part before them as though they were Noah simply because their lives now include a child are such self-righteous twits. You and your entitled kids are just as important and unimportant as any other person. If you want avoid exposure to certain things then it is on you to avoid them. No one else gives a s*&@ about how you feel. That you would actively get involved in someone else' business because you don't like what they are doing is insane. You're a dick. Suck it up or else your kids will wind up thinking that the world owes them something and you will have failed as a parent.
Working Mommy says:
Ok – first of all…who the hell are you, again – I think I missed the introductions segment of this whole rant. As a parent we are tasked with doing anything – and everything – to protect our children…and if that means knocking over a 20-something at the mall with a stroller because my kid wants a friggin lollipop and all she is doing is twirling her hair – lets just say you've been warned. I have enough brains to teach my kids that if you're going to twirl your hair – move to the right so other people can pass on the left. If you don't give a damn about how we feel – then don't bother leaving a comment…because chances are we don't give a damn that you don't give a damn. The only dick here is you, I think, because CLEARLY your parents taught you no manners – or etiquette – at all…and for that, I guess THEY are the real failures, now, aren't they?! At least, by YOUR definition.
Bella Mater says:
That being said: holding the handles of a stroller doesn't preclude you from saying "excuse me" especially if all you want is a freakin' lollipop. That manners road? It's two ways, sweetie.
CW Please excuse the rest of us while we try to create a world for our children in which people DO care about the needs of others. Caring for others doesn't make you entitled, it makes you NICE. Obviously this is a concept with which you struggle.
Charlie hardly fails at a parent, but YOU fail at life. Try Summer school, maybe.
Alm says:
I think you missed the point. The way your comment reads, you're saying the ONLY people who have to learn to "care about the needs of others" are other people, not you and your kids. Everyone else had better bend over backwards for you and your kids, otherwise they're not being "nice."
How, exactly, does expecting everyone to make way for your and your kids in their stroller make you nice? Or how is it nice to expect other people who are smoking in public to stop simply b/c you happened to grace their presence with your kids?
ODB says:
"No one else gives a s*&@ about how you feel."
Your parents are the ones who failed. You evidently do not have even a shred of basic human desency or respect for your fellow human. As a human being living on this planet you have a duty and a responsibility to care about the welfare of other humans. The fact is that our culture has incubated this disease of "Me First", which has symptoms such as selfishness, general hostility to anyone who is not exactly like you, entitlement, and a "poor me" attitude. GET OVER IT!
I do not think either the original post or this or many of the replies are in the right. At least the author of the original post was honest enough to admit he was ranting. The replies are directed toward an individual, I'm guessing, none of you have ever met. That is unacceptable.
I am the father of three children all under the age of five. I have encountered all of the situations outlined and can completely sympathize with the author. His delivery of the material lacks tact, however the point is that some of the childless people out there lack any and all common courtesy where us parents are concerned.
Please take a deep breath, exhale slowly while counting ten, and when you've calmed down reread the article with an open mind and try to see through the veneer of anger. If you can accomplish this I think you will find the article has 7 very good points. Then make an honest self assessment of how you treat the parents of young children while you are out in public. Is that really the person you want to be?
Before you make religious metaphors, wiki that shit. Or at least make it interesting for the rest of us when you're being dumb, like "…feel the entire world should part before them like Charleton Heston…"
Reading your comment makes me smile. It's a smile based on some strong liklihoods:
1) You are not likely to shit in the gene pool by actually ever having a child and then consequently inflicting your dysfunctional, emotionally scarred tike on the rest of the world's kids.
2) Due to your self-centered nature and woefully lacking intellect, you're not likely to fool many women into having much unprotected sex with you and thus risking you having a baby by accident.
3) If by some freak of fate you actually did have a child, it would probably be taken from you at some point for violations of the parental Geneva convention or you'd set it free by commit suicide because you were just so revolted by it all.
4) And I'm smiling because I know that you're too idiotic and narrow-minded to understand even half of what I've written here.
Okay, I'm done. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
(Sorry, everyone else. I couldn't resist! Hee hee!)
Krystal says:
CW, let me guess: you are a glass half full kind of person, aren't you?
I hardly think any of Charlie's points are over the top, it's not like he is teaching his son to expect a venti, lukewarm, non fat, mocha chai, with extra whip, hand delivered by Angelina Jolie every morning. Common courtesy when around a child is just than, common. Unless you are a douchcanoe, then it becomes self entitled rocket science.
Okay what amazes me is this blog is entitled HOW TO BE A DAD, if you don't like us "breeders"/parents/people in general, what the f**k are you doing reading a blog about, oh I don't know, HOW TO BE A DAD?
I just can't stop laughing at you and all the other angry comments. I don't personally like people that murder baby kittens for fun, I guess that's why I don't read blogs about it.
Just a thought.
Brie Mason says:
Geez! Before wasting time imparting such anger on Charlie, you should have explored this site to know that he writes with humor and it's refreshing to listen to a dad go off on being a parent with a creative perspective.
Dad In The Cloud says:
Yikes, it got pretty ugly around here since my last visit. C'mon y'all, jut chill okay?! Oh, and yeah, some of y'all do need to go out and get yourselves some sense of humor. Golly!
Daz says:
Dead-set classic! I really liked that.
Isaac says:
This is all 'common courtesy' which is why it needs to be stated.
It urks me when people either
1. Can't pay attention to the world around them…you get run over by my jeep stroller
B. Refuse to get out of the way when they see a 6'6″ 230lb. man pushing a linebacker in a stroller…you get rammed by my jeep stroller
Or finally- can't take ownership of the fact that it's their ignorance and lack of respect of others in a common space that lead up to them being confronted with a linebacker & afore mentioned man with a jeep stroller.
Pull up your pants/get pants that fit & get out of the way!
LOL! This guys on my team!
Ivy says:
Common courtesy is all it's about. Take the kids and stroller away and put a big bulky package in their place. You see someone carrying a big bulky package, get out of their way, open the door, etc… At restaurants, you see a waiter with a heavy tray full of food, GET OUT OF THE WAY FOR REAL, and please don't let your kids run around the restaurant. It's not a playground.
Morgan @ The818 says:
Hey Charlie? I care about how you feel. And like Mae said, I'm raising a kid who I hope gives a #$%& about how you feel.
CW? Did you wipe your ass with poison oak this weekend? What's the beef with a little common courtesy?
Thank you, Morgan. I hope he wipes his ass with poison oak so he can run home to "mom" so she can not care about him a whole bunch.
Kristi says:
I have one to add. This was more for when my kids were in preschool and younger.
Dear Stranger in a Store (sales person) – please do not offer my kids a lolly pop or any other candy. Especially if you don't ask me first. But also don't have it dangling in their faces while you ask me if it's ok. Because that just makes me look like the bad guy when I say no. I guess you don't realize how many times little kids are offered candy in one day when you are running errands. And when you offer my kid a piece of candy because he or she is crying, that just reinforces the crying behavior.
This Side of 30 says:
So true! Ah, how the world changes when we become parents. (And I love your term 'gashole.')
Rob says:
Great site, but I disagree with #'s 3,4,5 & 6…
#3 – I don't want to rush you, but I don't want to be slowed down. Sorry for BOTH of us.
#4 – Lots-o-common sense in your request, and I'm sure I'd be surprised at how many people ignorantly place dangerous things next to your kid. However, it's YOUR kid. Watch him.
#5 – It's a free country. You have what I perceive as an annoying kid and I have what you perceive as an annoying habit. Agree to disagree?
#6 – 1 minute of screaming in a restaurant I can handle. I get it, kids have meltdowns for an infinite number of reasons. 25 minutes of screaming?!? Parents…PLEASE take your kids and leave after 5 minutes. Spare ALL of the other patrons.
Thanks Rob…
Let's chat about your disagreements for a minute. I want to preface this with the notion that I'll be making an etiquette list for parents as well. So while I may be biased, I'm not THAT biased.
#3 – I'm looking for equal lack of 'rushedness'. If either of us are in a hurry, manners should trump assholery.
#4 – I will watch him. But I will also stab you if you put a steak knife within arm's reach of my 2 year old. Wake up, people. I will always try to protect my son. I don't need unnecessary or preventable liabilities. Agreed?
#5 – Hell no. It is a free country but it's free up until the point you put my son in harm's way or pollute his recently formed lungs. Why would you want to put your habit over my son's health? My son is a rad little guy. Super fun. Annoying only when he's tired. Capiche?
#6 – Totally agree. No one wants the cacophonous anti-orchestra of kidsplosion. I certainly don't. But also, a kid can wig out. It doesn't mean a parent is doing a bad job. Hell, most of the time, they're trying their hardest to solve the situation. But totally agree.
Ryan says:
I was sitting at my desk about a week ago on a night shift, it was 3am when I decided I'm bored as balls and should do a little research. My wife has been on my case to start reading about how to look after a baby. I do know how to do the simple things, but to swaddle. WTF? I didn't even realize this was a frickin' word. So I have been schooled.
Back to my point, I was looking for a website to tell me how it is, as a medical professional, I hate sugarcoated bullshit. I stumbled upon this site and the next thing I know my shift was over. Bloody brilliant stuff! My eyes have been opened, keep speaking the truth guys.
Annie says:
You will not stop reading this blog from now on. If you wanna seem like the sexiest man on the planet then learn about the baby. Help with the baby. HELP. Yeah you will become that husband. The one who is getting some (when she is awake) simply because she knows her man hasn't checked out of life and is willing to HELP her. So I think its awesome you were researching!
My husband helps with the baby. He also gets a lot of sex. Related? I think so.
Courtney says:
To add: If my son is throwing a fit in the store because I refuse to give him candy: DO NOT OFFER IT TO MY CHILD! I get it, really I do, he has the scream of a banshee down pat, but that does not mean I am going to reward the bad behavior with sugary treats that will wind him up for another 3 hours. Also to my very annoying neighbors, we polite normal citizens do NOT ring on people's doorbells after 2 am, EVER. I have a 3 year old, a 1 year old and one on the way. Our sleep trumps your need to ring our doorbell at 2 am on a Wednesday night for a cup of freaking BLEACH. That you sent your nine year old son over to get. Really? It's 20 degrees, past midnight and you send your barefoot pajama clad son to get a cup of bleach?!!! BTW it's also polite to wash out MY measuring cup before bringing it back at 3am on a Wednesday night…you could have waited until Thursday…during a reasonable hour…..
Rant over.
Ivy says:
Tell them you don't have any bleach. It's not wrong to lie about something like that especially at that time of night.
Erich says:
This is BEAUTIFUL! I especially like #5.
itpdude says:
Hey, buddy, you crowd me or in any way use that stroller as a weapon, I will be beating dad in front of his infant and then punt said infant down the aisle, street, sidewalk. Wherever.
Stop making your problems or limitations my problem. Fair enough? Having a child does not entitle you to being rude. It is no wonder child free environments are more common now. It is a-holes like you.
Michael Gray says:
So…let me get this straight: you're lecturing a guy about how having a child doesn't entitle him to be rude by threatening to beat him and punt his kid down the street?
Might want to work on your delivery.
Imtoughontheinternet says:
Maybe if somebody's parents felt as fierce about them as Charlie and his wife feel about their kid, somebody wouldn't be so cranky.
Morgan N says:
? How/when did a stroller with a kid in it become a weapon? If I'm using my stroller as a battering ram you can bet there is a damn good reason (think loss of life here or maybe you've been douching off to your friend and I've said excuse me over 100 times- you get the idea) so better get take 2 seconds to get out of the way instead of threatening a parent and their child. And even the suggestion of punting and child is freaking sickening- get your head examined!
Tara says:
Why is this asshole even commenting on this blog if he is so obviously a child-hating Nazi with no social or moral compass?
Melinda says:
Whether you choose to procreate or not, there are just some hard and fast rules we all have to live with:
The elderly, handicap, and pregnant women get the good seats on the bus.
People with small children and those needing additional assistance board the plane first.
When the ship sinks, it's women and children first.
You move out if the way for the damn stroller.
Now, if you don't like those rules, and choose to…what did you write? "beat dad in front of his infant" and punt the baby? You should know that some of us mild manner, diaper bag wielding, stroller pushers have conceal and carry permits. So go ahead, jerk wad. I triple dog dare you.
Marcus says:
I don't know, y'all, I-Teach-Parents-Dude may have a point. (I'm assuming that's what the "itp" stands for, but you know what happens when you assume – you make an ass out of itp and dude.)
Children sure come with their share of problems, and can be mighty limiting at times, so what we should all do is stop reproducing, and I nominate itpdude to lead by example. It's really the only polite thing to do, and with the recent uptick in weaponized stroller violence and baby-punting, it's probably the safest thing as well. As itpdude hints at, it's like using strollers means the terrorists have won, and we all want to beat down some terrorists, right?
Frankly, I'm surprised I and my children haven't been on the receiving end of more beat-downs, what with all the walking around with strollers that we've done. Earlier today as we made our way out of the parking lot, a car actually stopped to let us cross in front to the sidewalk ahead! If they'd just run me and my asshole kids over to make a point, I'd probably think twice about inconveniencing the general public with my children again. That might be because I learned my lesson, or it could be the brain injury making it hard to think about anything just once anymore. I bet itpdude knows what I'm talkin' about, don't you, my brain damaged brother!
So… you must be a LOT of sunshine and roses to go to Disneyland with! Punting infants and beating Dads down for hitting you with a stroller in what is obviously YOUR world! OMG! Sounds like a fun time!
Dudes with no compassion, little patience, who fight rude-entitled-breeders-with-strollers with rude, obnoxious and threatening comments on the internet make my loins ache.
Trolls are hot. Run away with me?
Anna Nonamus says:
Trolls: Nutritious and delicious- tastes just like chicken!
But seriously, a person who feels the need to 'punt said infant down the aisle' likely has more issues than just this. Like keeping another person in your life long enough to even HAVE a child of your own.
Roofies don't count. No, seriously, they really don't.
Not having a child does not entitle you to be a colossal douche canoe, either.
iawu says:
Wow, people are defensive over iptdude's comment… did you all actually read the post? quite a defense tone up there as well.
no, I will not "move out of the way" for your stroller. I get run over enough at disney. we're ADULTS. we take TURNS. just like you cannot have my spot in line just because your screaming offspring don't like being there and you want to leave early.
mind your space. use your manners. don't expect me to turn the music down in MY CAR or do other things to make YOUR life convenient because you have a kid and I don't. if I ever have children, then that's my inconvenience. NOBODY ELSE'S. your ~super special snowflake can nap at home, or stay at home while you shop.
Joanna Schroeder says:
It's comments like this one above that make me proud to be an American.
I mean, where else can you be a total raging asshole, sociopathic, violent prick and have people still be fighting for your right to say such things on an open Internet.
Oh, and having a computer does not entitle you to be a total raging asshole, sociopathic prick.
AngryMom says:
itpdude… You are definitely a troll… I hope that you do not procreate.
Darren Sutton says:
I guess being childless (sexless?) makes some people cranky. If you're looking for a child-free environment, move to a monastery. No chance of running into the kiddos there – but they'll probably have a few more rules than the five listed here.
Annie says:
When I my daughter needed a stroller I never once ran someone over. I have spent 15 minutes attempting to get into a difficult door without anyone offering to help me before, but I have never run someone over. The point is we don't do it on purpose. We are TIRED… We are barely human so if we run into you it is not because we are trying to force our problems onto you. We are doing our best to get the most difficult contraption into the store without smacking our child with the door. Guess what when I see a parent struggling to get in with their stroller I HELP THEM. Why? because I know much it sucks. I don't yell at them and threaten bodily harm because they made me wait three seconds longer.
Manda says:
The drivers! The friggin' drivers!
I kid you not, summer of 2010 my nine-months pregnant self and my 2 year-old daughter were nearly run-down in the Wal-mart crosswalk by a woman (a woman in some form of cop-type uniform no less!) who flew around the corner, running the stop sign.
I literally could have keyed her vehicle as she raced through. The wind blew kiddo's hair. Then the inattentive moron had the nerve to flip me off when I yelled at her!
I understand that accidents happen and sometimes, you just miss a little something……but how do you miss a stop sign, neon yellow crosswalk and a 200 pound woman pushing a shopping cart with a screaming toddler inside?!
Then, today, the same thing happened to me while I was taking my oldest in for a chest x-ray (She has a "touch" of pneumonia.)! Except this time, I was next to my vehicle (once again pregnant) and pushing a neon green double stroller. Some guy drove his massive truck into the spot next to mine so close to me that I literally had to jump back to keep from having my toes crushed.
At least already being at the hospital would have been convenient…..
brodie says:
If having a kid doesn't entitle him to be "rude" in your tiny little roid mind, what, exactly do you have that entitles you to be a complete and utter fuckmuppet? Tiny penis syndrome? Rectal-cranial disorder? Douchebagitis?
Honestly, though, while most people leave empty threats of violence in high school (a place which is probably foreign to you), it takes a special kind of person to threaten a child with violence. Luckily, this kind of special has a way of sorting itself out. I hope you find a nice bunkmate named "Bubba" someday. I hear crimes against children go over just as well with felons as they do with the rest of civilized society. What does it say about you when even criminals look at your behavior and say "that's fucked up…"?
itpdude says:
Yes, I must be endowed with a tiny penis, my parents sucked, my head is lodged up my colon, etc, to think feeling entitled to ramming people with a stroller is acceptable behavior.
Let me be clear, if someone is doddering along with their progeny in a stroller, the decent thing to do is move out of the way. The indecent thing to do is to ram the person with the stroller instead of simply saying, "excuse me" instead of "kindly move your ass out of the way."
I can tell those who agree with the "get your ass out of the way" tactic are the types who ram people in grocery aisles with their wheeled weapons. And it is a problem. Parents feel entitled to use their strollers as weapons. Google "ramming people with baby stroller." It's an issue.
As for the difficulty in steering the stroller, like a pickup truck, if you can't handle the size, trade down. Get something smaller.
The punting of the infant was rhetorical flourish that may have gone over the line a little bit as was the comment above comparing simply driving a stroller in a non-emergency to the Titanic.
The bottom line? Your child doesn't entitle you to boorish behavior like thinking people need to get their "asses" out of the way followed by a demand of "don't rush me." Don't rush you? Okay, that's cool, so then don't assume my Spidey-Sense can detect your enornmongo stroller being captained by an incompetent. I'll get out of the way soon enough, thanks.
brodie says:
A child doesn't entitle anyone to be boorish, no. But children often leave their parent with a diminished mental state due to stress, lack of sleep, etc., which may lead to what you consider boorish behavior.
What's your excuse for acting like an asshole?
Kit says:
Okay..as far as your comment to get a smaller stroller if you can't handle a bigger one. No matter what size stroller we have, they are hard to steer. Period. And I'm quite sure that you haven't heard me say excuse me like twelve times and I probably have no other means to go around. I still haven't rammed you yet, but don't think I'm not thinking about it..hard. And before the question of well why use a stroller then is asked, I'm attempting to keep my 18 month old corralled so he will not be one of those children who are running around screaming and causing mischief because I myself do not like that behavior. So which would you rather deal with?
As for hitting you with my cart in a grocery store, I'm not doing it intentionally. As my husband works long hours, the only way to get groceries in my house is if I go buy them, with my two children in tow. So that usually means, to keep them from screaming and causing you guys to not hate me, I'm pushing them in a cart that has a car or something attached. Those too are not easy steer/drive. And yes, I do apologize for hitting you if I did.
Third, ever heard the term "haste makes waste"? If we try and hurry to navigate whatever we have, it is usually going to take me longer to get it done. So please, yes do not rush me because it's not going to work out for either of us.
Yes, I did chose to have children and no, it doesn't entitle me to be rude or obnoxious. I usually reserve all the rants for my head because I don't want my children to repeat that behavior. But I am happy that Charlie blogged this rant. Because it is exactly how I feel most times but am too polite/meek/whatever to do it myself.
Marielys says:
Dear ITPDUDE (AKA: Nobody:
First, let me tell you how I am qualified to tell you what I am about to… I have spent 10+ years of my life to become a Pediatrician, am licensed in 3 states, am Board certified by at least 5 higher education institutions and/or associations. I graduated with honors, have practiced in 3 of the "Best 10 Children's Hospitals in the USA", had my own practice & now collaborate with a US based company that tends to international patients. All af those before hitting 35 (major brains, thank you). I happily devote 80+ hours every week to child care and to listen to their parents. I don't have any children yet but I can tell you that my patients are my babies, their parents are my friends, and that we love each other. So yes, I can tell you how wrong you are because (a) I'm childless (as, apparently, you are) and (b) I deal with kids all the time, and I do it well.
I am assuming that you have a sad little life with almost no meaning and definitely no laughter in it. If you take the time to read this blog you'll notice how awesome these guys Andy and Charlie are, as well as their wives and kids. You'll also notice that they, as well as their readers, are funny, witty, caring and proud if being parents. You'll also be able to tell that the people that follow this blog are striving to be the best parents they can be and share their successes in parenting, the joys of having a child, and the almost-failures of every day. Let's face it, children come without owner's manuals and we are all learning, and laughing,in the process. If YOU decide to make YOUR problem of not knowing what being a parent entails or to make YOUR limitation if not being able to have a laugh at the happy madness having a child is, do not (I repeat, DO NOT) make it OUR problem. If you want to be rude, then stand in front of a mirror and be rude to the sorry mess you'll find. Because the people that come here do so to have a good time and not bust an aneurysm from frustrations of daily life and they sure deserve a big "S" on their chest.
Now go back to your sad little life, or better yet, go to any major store (BJs will do) and get a LIFE along with a family pack of funny and another one of laughter. Learn how to read between lines so you can get a joke. Have some sense of humor and laugh at yourself as we do. Live long and happy (or don't, then die miserable, you LOSER). And don't mess with us, because we may not know each other in person, but we are family and stand by each other.
Yours truly, M.
Dan says:
"Screaming kids aren't our favorite either."
So I don't have kids… wait, come back! I've experienced children screaming in restaurants plenty of times. I've also experienced parents silencing their babies, or excusing themselves from the table with the baby so as not to bother anybody else. I do not have a problem with this.
I have also experienced parents who do not care, do not listen and generally let the kid keep screaming and crying and carrying on without so much as considering the people sitting around them. These people (and their children) I will stab with the steak knife you just embedded in the careless servers chest.
Courtesy, it's about courtesy. Carting a kid around in public is rough, parent-less people give you the courtesy of getting out of the way because lugging those kids around all day is rough. On the flip side, when I'm out eating you'd damn well understand that crying baby is irritating and you better make an attempt to curb it out of courtesy to me.
Harry Z says:
I love how your decision to breed is somehow now my problem.
(You did say you wanted negative feedback)
The bit I can't get my head around is the attitude that adding to the vast overpopulation of the Earth is somehow a righteous task that deserves respect over those who decide not to.
Children are horrible creatures that you must sculpt into socialised beings that can safely co-exist with others of their kind after years of parental work /education. You signed up for this task, so you get no sympathy.
Oh, and if your child picks up a sharp object in my house because it can't keep its grubby mitts to itself then you should've been keeping a closer eye on the little vandal-in-the-making instead of trying to get some shut-eye on the sofa because your potent sperm-count has ruined your life.
(I hope that was something like what you wanted in reply)
Mr Z
mommytigerwilleaturface says:
Dear Harry Z,
Your parents must be so proud. You've obviously done your best to live your life in a way that honors the sacrifices they made to sculpt the horrible creature they created into a civilized… wait. Nevermind.
Oh, and I hope you don't have any friends with children, or if you do, I hope they're wise enough to start avoiding you.
Harry Z says:
Dear Mommytigerwilleaturface
My parents are proud. I pay taxes, unlike children! How does procreating honour (not 'honor' you yankee fuck) the sacrifices that my parents made?
You have only one life on this earth, don't waste it.
I have friends with children and I'm an Uncle to six little rotters. I see them when I have to, but I've made it clear that until I can converse with them I have no interest in spending time with any of them.
Kinda like play-testing games, I'd rather wait until they've gotten the bugs out and have an enjoyable experience.
mctwist says:
harry your parents have very low expectations if all youcan muster is I pay taxes. Kids do too you british twat. even if they aren't working.
As for us dumb yanks if it wasnt for Americans you be fellating germans for life so shut the hell up and get your damn teeth fixed.
don't be mad, im just play-testing you, until you get your bugs out, jolly good!
Emily says:
Children are PEOPLE, dumbass. Humans, with human sized feelings and thoughts. No, they don't have the same jaded frame of reference as us "socialised beings" who "pay taxes," and they haven't completed developing physically, emotionally or mentally. But hey, neither have you!
itpdude says:
As per the so-called "sad little life" that I allegedly have, life if fine for me. I don't dislike children, have a nephew and a niece and they are fine. Some of my friends are having little ones, and they are fine.
Then again, my sibling and friends are decent parents who don't feel entitled to being boors because they have children.
Your problems are not my problems. "Wah, I have kids and that entitled me to boorish behavior!" No, it doesn't Just as any problem I may be having doesn't entitle me hit people with rolling items, your problems don't entitle you to such things.
Again, my problem is not so much with kids, but with parents. Judging from some of the responses above, I can tell you are the types of parents that give the entire lot a bad name. You feel entitled to making your problems and responsibilities my own.
I'm fine with paying the property taxes that go to the schools. I'm good with food-assistance that helps kids. I'm fine, and actually believe in, with so many of the programs for children.
I'm not fine with parents ramming with their stinking strollers and allowing Jr. to scream his head off on the plane or in a grown-up restaurant or film.
As for the replies from parents who are attacking me and the above Mr. Z, the parents doth protest too much, methinks. You are likely the parents who give the rest of them a bad name.
Evonne says:
Good grief – some people can't recognise a 'tongue in cheek' blog when they meet one. As a parent I can identify with all the points raised…Just like to set a little something straight here though (for other commenters). I'm sure people are well intentioned when they tell us parents that it was our choice to have a kid so we should adapt for society and not the other way around….welll, ummmm…I'm no expert but not every kid in the world was exactly planned (hello?). You take life as it comes. And nobody asks for a kid with special needs…sure I may have got some weird looks the other day when Mr 9 threw a huge tanty in the middle of the supermarket. Was that immature for his age? Yes!…Does he have ASD? Yes! Please don't judge us on what you think you see. There could well be a lot more going on than you realise. But even if there's not…I'll do my best to keep the pram to one side if you'll just quietly give me an encouraging smile. I've been given them before and like to give them out myself. They help to make an embarrasing situation slightly more 'do-able'
Megs says:
As a non parent, I'm really not sure how I ended up on a parenting website in the first place but I think it's hilarious. And it's giving me great insight into what my parenting friends are going through.
Most of things on this list seem like basic good manner issues — driving wildly with any kind of pedestrian, smoking with non smokers including children, behavior with strangers…Not good ideas in general. The one that gets me is the strollers. I get that your stroller is huge and you have kids and are juggling a lot of things. I'll usually be one of the people holding the door for you. But if you ram me from behind while I'm at the zoo, etc…I get that it's a kid oriented place and I'm probably going to be in the minority but I'm trying to navigate all the kids in front of me while still seeing all the sights as well. If I missed you behind me, just say excuse me and I will gladly move out of your way.
Also, in regard to restaurant behavior: I'm good with a lot of things kidwise in a restaurant but it's extremely unnerving when sitting in a booth and the kid in the booth behind my husband stands up, turns around, and stares at me over my husband's shoulder. It's cute for the first minute or so and then it freaks me out. Please make it stop and I'll be good with just about anything else that happens in the restaurant.
ALKD says:
I know I'm late to the comment game, but I wanted to say this:
This is excellent. I also want to put a caveat on #2. When walking your child(ren) in a stroller after dark/before daylight, PLEASE make sure your stroller has reflective gear, and try not to ignore what traffic lights are telling you.
I live in Seattle, and I know it's common place for us all to jaywalk, but man. Daylight hours in the winter here are short. There have been a couple times I see other parents out pushing a stroller while I'm on my way to work, and I always think how much I wish my schedule allowed for a morning walk with my kid. Until one morning when I almost didn't see a woman wearing dark clothing pushing a black stroller, crossing against the green light I had. Gave me the worst heart-stopping moment ever (probably her too). I don't mind the glare she threw me, but I hope she bought reflectors for her stroller, and, you know, stops crossing the street when she's got a red light. At least I know I picked up some extra reflective tape on my way home from work. Just to have. We might wrap a kid in it (just kidding) (almost).
If I'm going somewhere where I expect crowds, I take the small umbrella strollers, not the big honking SUV stroller. We all have to share the space.
In our very crowded farmer's market, the giant strollers are a problem when people without strollers barely have enough room to shuffle from one booth to the next. This place is just wall to wall people, but you can be sure some Angry Mom will be there, ramming people's heels and shooting nasty looks at people who simply can't get out of her way.
You can also be sure that at least half of the angry stroller drivers at the farmer's market have no child in the stroller. It's full of their purchases. Veggies, meat, mennonite pies, summer sausage… not a baby in sight. They put up the canopy and hope you don't notice that they're just playing the part in the hopes that the crowds will part for them. But when you can't get out of the way even if you tried, it's pretty easy to notice that their baby is a beautiful locally grown yellow zucchini.
I'm always sure to say loudly "Hey, you haven't even got a baby in your stroller!"
mctwist says:
The success of this article is #7.
Because at the end of a trying day, who wouldn't be a bit testy.
here's something you dads may/may not know….
your male friends look up to you and are studying you so they will know what to do when they get there. so rock on dads
And if I can add to the restaurant one…don't give me some snotty uppity judgmental side look because I have an iPad on the table and my kid is QUIETLY enjoying her dinner. Everyone in this restaurant is having a much better meat because of this. You're welcome.
Also the smoking one. Amen brother, amen.
I know I'm having a much better meat because of it.
Mayrs says:
OMG, I love this !!! I have 4 boys all under 11 yrs old and I can relate to all of these … Thank u for writing this
Netdancer says:
As a chaired person, I can safely say that the sidewalk -probably- is not wide enough for my wheelchair + body and a huge stroller. Someone will have to back onto a side way to let the other pass, and it is very likely that the stroller is much more maneuverable then the wheelchair. (Really. Manual wheelchairs turn like a cow.) I'm probably already tired and uncomfortable and miserable, so I would hope that if I run into a 'head on' situation the more maneuverable person will back down a side way and let me pass.
Alm says:
Luckily, most of the servers at the restaurants we go to seem to understand that screaminess, tip size, and how quickly they can get food in front of a child are directly related to each other. When we go to restaurants with the lad, we get the fastest service ever.
We try to facilitate this by looking at the menu online ahead of time so we can order fast too.
Shantel says:
#2 – I live at the far end of a dead end subdivision. I was out for a walk with baby in stroller, 3yr old walking beside me, and 5yr old on her bike. Some guy drives by us only a foot away. When I throw my hand up in disgust he stops, rolls down the window and yells "I was only going 40″ (I'm in Canada so that is km/hr {don't ask me for conversion}) in any case still too fast a foot away from little ones! (there are no sidewalks in our subdivision) ERRRRRRR!
Jorg says:
Heres one to upset the parents. I dont argue many of the points here but sorry if you have little ones go to a resteraunt that caters to them. It is torture on them you and me if your kid decides to tantrum in an otherwise quiet resteraunt. Here is a simple rule to follow, if they have a full bar chose a different location with little ones. They wont enjoy the fine dining anywhere near as much as Chuck-E-Cheese and will seriously resent your decision to torture them with a stuffy grown-up place. If the full bar IS why you are going,well I will let society pass its own judgement on somone who drinks and drives with children in the car.
1. The presence of a full bar does not mean everybody at the restaurant is drinking. YOU probably are, but I will let society pass judgement on that!
2. The kind of restaurants that happen to have a full bar are quite often the restaurants that are loud enough to not be bothered by a squawky baby. There's music going, TVs on, people walking on peanut shells. also the servers are usually experienced enough to know that if you get a family with small children in and out quickly, they tip better.
3. Nobody is telling you where to eat
ALKD says:
Following that "simple rule" that means that several kid-friendly restaurants are all of a sudden off-limits for no apparent reason. The following places all typically have a full bar:
Red Robin
Old Spaghetti Factory
Olive Garden
Macaroni Grill
Also, GameWorks Arcade in Downtown Seattle has a rather extensive full bar, but I'm not going to shun anyone who would like to have their child's birthday party there.
Allie says:
These made me laugh. The comments more so. I laugh because my husband (we now have two boys) has on multiple occasions noted that if someone ever hits our car they better be knock me unconscious or they will have the worst day ever. It's funny how things that never phased you before totally get you amped up when you have littles to care for. I have tons of single friends who get frustrated when I can't just up and join them or who are constantly posting things on how to parent… I cannot wait for the day they have their own kids and realize what a saint I am for keeping my mouth shut when they go on their rants about peoples parenting skills. I LOVE y'alls posts. Seriously.
Steve says:
On airplane travel: wife and I made maiden voyage with then 6-month old son Liam. Sat next to poor schmuck with no kids. First thing he does/says after the obligatory look-up-from-hand-held-device/in-flight mag: "Hey, I'm cool with little kids. If he makes noise, it won't bother me." Totally relaxed me and my wife. Kid must have picked up on the relaxed vibe, was practically an angel for the whole 5-hour flight. Thank you kind childless person! A little courtesy may pay dividends. I like to think of it as karma from when I (before having a kid) helped entertain the baby next to me who was traveling with solo mom. Yeah, I am tooting my own horn It was a 10-hour flight leg. Sometimes we're all in it together.
Bid Daddy Carlos says:
Okay, this is priceless and spot on. You're now officially my daddy-blogging role model
mammatroll says:
Not to mention that I'm at a restaurant in the first place because my 6-month-old is non-stop when at home, and I haven't had anything to eat yet today, and my only hope is that he'll quiet down in the stroller (he usually does) long enough for me to be able to wolf something warm down. Because I don't have the time or energy to cook dinner anymore, but still need to eat. And it's nice not to have to do the dishes afterwards for once, too… Okay, I think I've made my point several sentences ago.
It's 2am, the kiddo's sleeping and I should be in bed as well, but I just found your website (two hours ago) and have been enjoying it a little too much.
Derek N says:
This is awesome! I laughed the whole time. I notice i am furious when im outside and someone either drives unsafe, or does something unsafe near my kid, i freak out. My wife gets embarassed, but hey my son is my life.
Aldi says:
I remember a flight I was on and the baby behind me just wouldn't stop crying. I was fine with it, but the women in front of me kept shushing the kid (like it would work or something). My GF (now wife) almost got up and slapped the women in front of us.
As we are expecting a bundle of joy in a few months, if someone happens to shush our child during a tantrum attack, I'll just let my wife handle them…I'll just give her a few MMA pointers first…
Devin says:
I agree with all of those save one. Fine dining restaurants are NOT for kids. Take them to somewhere with a playground and plastic benches or something. Don't be a dick to us for trying to avoid those little screaming soul suckers, and then asking you to gtfo when you bring one in to somewhere they really don't belong. If I wanted to see kids, I'd go to a playground……with my van…..or something.
Just don't think because your a parent you get a free pass now. In my opinion the opposite is true. You signed up for this mess, we didn't.
Usebian Digitus says:
NO, strollers DO NOT EVER have the right of way! Prove it! Show it to us in a law book ANYWHERE! You can't. You know why? Because the assertion is BS! You must be from Kalifornia.
You chose to have the little b@stards. Deal with it. It's YOUR problem! Stop hogging the sidewalk, the store aisles, or the aisle ways anywhere else that you happen to be! The rest of the world doesn't give a crap about your progeny, and are not required to defer to you whenever you decide to steer that frigate-sized wheeled monstrosity into everyone else's path.
Here's an idea; keep the little crumb-catchers at home or with the sitter until they're big enough to walk under their own power. Then they can negotiate for their own spot on the sidewalk. STOP acting like the world revolves around you and your self-entitled little snots! It doesn't!
AussieAussieAussie says:
Brilliant! Especially the smoking one *insert serious stink eye here*
I had a four wheel drive pram, with articulated, zero-turn wheels and a nudge bar on the front (though I'm sure the pram manufacturer call it something else). Every baby should come with one. It kissed a few ankles, selfish selfish slow-walking aisle-hogging ankles, just as a polite 'excuse me' nudge followed by a pretend "oh I'm sorry" and it really worked wonders… Not my fault they were too busy engaging in the adult conversations I never get to have and didn't hear the emergency siren coming from inside the pram. Though if you nudge too much, occasionally someone will try to sit on your baby! It was a pain to fold, only fit through the wheelchair access cash registers and was ass-busting to lift into a raised 4×4(SUV, only proper) So.. it was easier, and way more fun, to just walk everywhere!
Michelle says:
So good!! Gonna have my husband read this post, and, likely, your entire blog. Good stuff. Thank you for saying what I think (I was gonna give you an example here, but it's all so right on)!
Elizabeth says:
Here is one thing that I hope you aren't doing as a parent if young children, that I have noticed lately in restaurants. That is, ipads or other devices playing children's movies REALLY loud. Or games REALLY loud. I'm now an empty nester, and I ADORE little children and don't care if they pitch a fit or cry in a restaurant, but those darn shows are annoying!!! If parents must play them, keep them very low. Last night I felt like I was in kindergarten and not in a restaurant. This has been happening more and more I noticed. Again, I want to say that I don't mind children being children in restaurants, but oh those kiddie shows need to stop now!!!!
Amber says:
As a non-parent, the only one I disagree with is number one. Strollers don't have the right of way. It is interchangeable. If you're behind someone and are in a hurry and they aren't getting out of the way, they should. But if we're in a crowded area and you're taking up the entire space and I'm trying to get past you, please move. It really annoys me when I'm in the mall and I'm in a hurry, and an entire family of five or six is taking up the entire space, family on the right, stroller on the left. Please, politely move. I will say excuse me, but having a stroller doesn't entitle you to take up everyone else's public space.
I agree with everything else, especially the smoking bit. It is a courtesy that needs to be afforded to children and non-smokers alike. It angers me that smokers feel entitled to endangering everyone else's health with their smoking just because they think we can go elsewhere if we don't like their smoking. I'm sorry, you chose a crap lifestyle choice, not me, and I don't wish to pay for it. And I'm flabbergasted of the places that allow smoking. I'm a marketing trainee, so I work at different places. People can smoke outside of the baseball stadium while they're waiting to be let in. And there are no rules about it! I'm sorry, but children are just as entitled to a baseball game a you are. Also, put out that damn cigarette before you decide to come over to my booth and sign up to win the jersey. A person's well-being is priority over your bad habit.
Bryan Nelson says:
Hahaha. The restaurant thing is dead on! Restaurant pre-kids: "my gosh, like I came here to hear their kid scream? Just take it outside or something!" Post Kids: "Wow, that sux, honey hold on a sec, I'm gonna go give those parents a hug real quick" LOL
Theresa says:
Restaurant thing….Take your child someplace ELSE! NONE of us want to hear them have a melt down. We should NOT be subjected to your child temper tantrum because you think they have the "right". NO ONE adult or child has the "right" to have a screaming fit. Yes I have had children and yes, I now have grand children and NO NO NOOOO they NEVER NEVER NEVER had a a temper tantrum that I thought others should be subject to. Anytime Anyplace! Whew…now I feel better how's that for negative attention. It is truly how I feel. Take your child to the car and let them have the fit there or take them home and let them have their fit in their own room. Teach them it is NOT OK to loose it in public. Teach them to deal with their emotions in a socially acceptable manner or they will not be accepted in society…either their preschool, High School, Church, Doctors Office, or work place. YES YES YES this STARTS with kids in restaurants!
Jen says:
Please don't run me over with a stroller or car. It has happened too often. I know I look like I'm drunk, distracted or dopey but I'm actually having a seizure. It's called temporal lobe epilepsy.
The bruises you give me are not nice.
Love each other, people.
Sherry says:
#6, about the kids screaming in public. Idk if I 100% agree with it… Before I had a kid I looked at screaming kids in public with so much hatred and have actually waited for another seat to be available so that I don't have to sit by kids. And now, when I go to a nicer place to eat, I don't take my daughter out of respect for other people and i sure as hell don't want to sit by other people's kids either! Ok, I kinda expect it at, say, and ice cream shop. But not when i'm trying to enjoy a nice date night at a nice place with my boyfriend.
Michelle says:
Why is it that you expect drivers to turn down their music or drive past quietly when passing a stroller in the middle of the day (when they have no idea if your kid is sleeping or not), yet people trying to enjoy a nice meal in a restaurant have to listen to your kid screaming his head off because you don't have the common courtesy to take him outside/somewhere else where he isn't disturbing others?
Courtesy goes both ways.
Want people to be courteous to you and your child? Don't be an entitled asshat. Try being courteous back.
You don't like the looks someone is giving you? Grow up and get over it. You don't want your child around smokers? Avoid them. (I find it funny that you have such a problem with even the tiniest whiff of smoke, yet you have no problem pushing a stroller down the sidewalk with cars going by, spewing noxious carbon monoxide into your child's "pristine lungs". Ridiculous.)
And no, strollers don't get the right-of-way. I can hustle past you faster than you can shuffle past me with a stroller. YOU made the choice to have kids, YOU deal with what that entails. The rest of us are free to go about our lives without having to cater to your special wants and wishes.
As much as you wish there were laws and rules in place so that you can do pretty much whatever you wish, unhindered by even the most minor inconvenience, that's not the way the world works. You and your child are not the center of the universe.
Kelly says:
God you guys are assholes!! "fungus fingers?" "herpes on my water bottle?" "Running into people with giant- doublewide strollers?" "Gasholes" Um, I'm soooo sure parent fingers don't have fungus on them right?? Especially since you have a baby that is full of fungus like thrush right?!! Ewwww. Trust me the LAST thing I want to do is touch your germ filled sperm creation! And by the way if you so much as bump me with your stroller I'm getting you and your spawn kicked out of the store ASAP. Oh and by the way last time I checked mini vans drivers are gasholes. Ha! By the way, I'm going to do everything on this list just to piss off arrogant, entitled parents like you now. FYI I am the one supplementing YOUR kids taxes…..and remember YOU chose this for your life…no one FORCED this upon you…..so suck it up and deal with the dirty looks. Oh and if your going to take your spawn to a restaurant that has flaming deserts and sharp knives…that is most likely an ADULT restaurant, so your an idiot for bringing an infant/little kid there in the first place…..maybe stick with chucky cheese for now……so for the love of God, SHUT UP!!!
I'm going to go finish my decaf soy latte now then take a nice LONG nap!!! Enjoy your sperm creations!!!!
COMMERCIAL AND AD HATER says:
Too bad none of the sanctimommies believe this. Just because you reproduced doesn't mean that you're above all other people. Grow up you sanctimommy and your stroller. I'll move if I damn well want to move.
cranky mom says:
in 7 years you would think those people closest to us .. would get the point that between the hours of 12 and 3 our designated lunch and nap time…. and unless we make specific plans — it would do best for you not to call or to visit expectantly. especially when particular visitors — always get the kids wound up — and then they won't nap .. — and this information has been relayed — and still not taken to heart…
Yeah Right says:
Wow. You'd think from your pompous, arrogant rant that you and your child are the center of the universe! See that's my biggest pet peeve with parents; you all think because you decided to go and have kids, the rest of the world should bow down, get out of your way, and put up with your bitching and even worse, your children's bullcrap. I'm sorry but I don't have to move for a stroller. Move your stroller out of the way of everyone else trying to get around. It was your choice to be slowed down by having kids, and no one should have to suffer but you. I cannot express how irritating it is for a parent to make demands about how THEY are treated when you are actually sucking that many more resources from the planet just to satisfy some self-important goal of replicating yourself! Get over yourself and do everyone else a favor and stay home (out of nice restaurants) with your bratty kids.
Sophy says:
Haha, I think the stroller subject is a sensitive one, and accurate all over the world!
Im 35 and have no kids (yet/unfortunately) but Im surrounded by nephews and nieces that I always been very close to. I pick up kids from daycare, I stay home with them when theyre ill, change diapers and all those less glamorous things. I love kids. BUT, who ever you are, I expect you to respect other people. If I see a mum struggling down the street, I get out of the way. I help her up on the bus with her stroller. I give my seat to a pregnant woman, or someone older or such like. Im friendly and I try to show other people respect.
If Im in the store and I see kids who screams on top of their lungs and the parents doing nothing, I will give them the evil eye. If the same scenario is happening on a resturant and I see the parents at least TRY to take action, I just give them an understanding smile. And when I say try to action, I dont mean that they have to tell their kids off but a least try to ask their children to keep it down or to activate them or whatever.
But, if youre a mum who come down the street with no respect for others, expecting others to JUMP away not to be hit by your stroller, you better believe Im standing my ground and if your kid starts crying when we collapse / crash, thats YOUR doing, not mine! Thats something that provokes me. When Im out with a stroller (doesnt happen that often anymore but a few years back, I was out with one several times a week) I try to show respect. No, its not easy to maneuver a stroller but you can stop and wait to the other person passed etc. If you show respect to others, you gain respect. If you meet other people with a smile, they will smile back. With exceptions for jerks. Theyre always jerks. With or without kids.
To "yeah right": no, you dont have to move for a stroller. But see the person behind the stroller. Give her / him a break. Give that person a smile and step away and you make that persons day. Its so easy to make someone happy, grateful. Treat others the way you wanna be treated yourself. It wont cost you a dime. I always try to. BUT, if you treat me disrespectful, you better belive your stroller will get hurt trying to run me over! lol
Sophy says:
I just wanted to add this:
Mums/ Dads, who goes side by side with their strollers on the sidewalk in the middle of the city in rush hour… not good. Not good at all. When I see that, I just stop and look the other way around, so they have to walk around me. That ones a trigger!
Ypsi says:
Our stroller days are long past (youngest is 7) and we don't live in a pedestrian-friendly place anyway, but "drive carefully near me and my kids" really resonates. This also goes for school buses. I'm sorry you have to stop to wait for kids to get on or off the bus without being run over, but too fucking bad. Your life will go on even if you get somewhere 2 minutes later.
motherof4 says:
That's why kids today are so spoiled parents try to cater their every need! I have to say I completely disagree with #6 no I don't have to put up with kid screaming crying and you shouldn't have to put up with mine. You need to teach your kid how to act at a restaurant your upset ok learn how to deal with those feelings in public you can cry but cry quietly!! It's difficult but you must be patient take your kid outside or go to the bathroom I have 4 girls believe me it's not that difficult!!!
Lisa says:
Seriously, motherof4?? Call me a bleeding heart, but my child's long-term emotional health trumps your fleeting need for peace and quiet in a restaurant. I would be leaving not to make you comfortable but to address my child's distress and help her calm down. Are you suggesting "teaching" a baby to "cry quietly"? Good grief!
Anyway, re. #6: My favorite was finally working up the gumption to go to a restaurant with my husband and a friend–at like 5:30 pm at a Tai place that's usually pretty dead anyway–with our then six month old daughter. She still got fussy. As I'm walking and jiggling her around the nearly empty restaurant our waiter, who'd been annoying all along comes up and asks me, "Why is she crying?" BECAUSE SHE'S A BABY, YOU IDIOT!!!! How the bleep should I know. Obviously I've tried to cover all my bases to make sure she has no logical reason to cry. But babies aren't logical. They have intense emotions and reactions and no filters. So all you childless people, please just deal with this reality.
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