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Swallow Teacher Resources
Find Swallow educational ideas and activities
Showing 1 - 20 of 953 resources
Students complete activities with the book There Was An Old Lady That Swallowed a Fly. In this literature lesson, students hear the story and recognize the animals. They create fly soup and discuss healthy foods and junk foods.
There was an old lady who swallowed some leaves? Little learners read a new version of the old swallow story with a fall twist as they try to answer the big question; Why is that lady swallowing all that weird stuff? The teacher's guide includes pre-reading activities, rhyming vocabulary practice, modeled and shared reading ideas, worksheets, flashcards, and cross-curricular extension ideas based on the story. The strategies used aid in reading comprehension, fluency, and vocabulary acquisition in a fun and engaging way. Plus, the book is hilarious!
Preschoolers will love learning the song, " I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly" with this PowerPoint. Each slide contains an image of an old lady and the animal she swallowed. Note: Audio does not appear to be working, however this song is available on CD, or better yet, have your students provide the sound track. They can sing and make animal noises.
For this Origami following directions worksheet, student make 15 sequential folds to make a swallow. They make one cut with scissors when forming the tail.
In this science and visual discrimination worksheet, students examine images of a cliff swallow, bighorn sheep and northern flying squirrel. Next to each picture is the same image which has been divided into 9 pieces and scrambled. Students place the numbers 1 through 9 in the lettered boxes to create the original images.
Even if your language arts class has never been fishing, they can understand the popular idiom "Swallow hook, line, and sinker." They review the definition of idioms and how they don't mean what they literally say. Then, they observe context clues to define the idiom of focus. Use the video in your computer lab, or as a warm-up reading exercise.
Fourth graders examine the new vocabulary associated with the book, There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly before listening to a teacher read aloud of the book. They complete a choral reading of the story, sequence it, and write newspaper type article using 5 W questions.
Students read Joyce McDonald's, Swallowing Stones while investigating the literary elements used in the writing. They define a large number of vocabulary words to be applied when reading. Finally, they write a persuasive essay.
Learners read the book There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Trout in order to understand food chains. In this food chain lesson plan, students complete a food chain worksheet with a butterfly, bird, and berries.
Young learners sing the song "I Know an Old Who Swallowed a Fly." They learn to track the words on a pocket chart and identify rhymes in the song as they are learning. Using illustrations, a flip chart, and the song, the teacher will help learners identify the written words as they grow familiar with the words to the song. Rhyming words are a focus as well.
Young scholars participate in various activities using the story There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. In this reading fluency lesson, students read the story and then practice comprehension, fluency, and writing. An estimation activity and reproducible is included.
Students read the book There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly and then practice identifying measuring tools that go with the story. In this measurement tools lesson, students read the story and then visit several measurement centers. Students select the correct tool for each measurement table and write it in their notebooks.
Second graders examine how a food chain functions. They define what a food chain is, and act out a food chain with the students acting as different animals. Students then sing the song "I Know An Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly," and create a food chain pyramid using paper cubes.
Students practice increasing their reading fluency by exercising the process of decoding for sight recognition. They utilize index cards that tie in with the song and tune of "The Wheels on the Bus" and "There was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly."
In this story/song worksheet, students participate in cutting out and coloring the animals from the story/song, "The Little Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly". Students act out the story with their animals as they read/sing it together.
Youngsters listen to the story, "There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly." After discussing the story, going over new vocabulary, and repeating the rhymes in the story, they study the parts of a fly. They finish by creating a fly on the computer and printing it out for their science folder. A good lesson plan!
Students examine their own digestive system by taking a mock field trip. They create a model or map of the system.
Students listen to the story I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Pie. They predict what will happen next as they listen to the story. They sequence pictures and words to desribe a story.
Here is an entertaining way to introduce your language learners to several significant grammatical structures. The children's rhyme, There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly, contains examples of noun and relative clauses for the class to study. Using rhyme, meter, and reasoning skills, class members build vocabulary and an understanding of the English wording.
In this picture puzzle scramble worksheet, learners place the numbers 1 through 9 in the lettered boxes on the right to create the image on the left. They see a picture of a Yellow-rumped warbler, a Cedar waxwing, and a Bank Swallow next to the 3 puzzles.


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On (May 05) Hayden attended the Charles James: Beyond Fashion' Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City. She wore what is being called a "cotton candy" colored Dennis Basso gown, Fred Leighton jewelry, with a Monica Rich Kosann clutch, and Jimmy Choo shoes. Hayden was photographed on the red carpet with Shaun White and Amber Valletta. Check out 75 high quality photos in the gallery now.
On (April 26) Hayden was in Germany to support Wladimir Klitschko during his WBA, IBF, WBO and IBO title match against Australia's Alex Leapai. Check out 12 high quality photos in the gallery.

subset: commoncrawl


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Awaiting Results: Obama And McCain Gather Up Washington
by CitizenSugar 14 Reactions 0 Shares Print
The tight Democratic race and Washington State's 78 pledged delegates lured heavy campaigning this week by both Clinton and Obama, but the caucus votes are being counted, and Obama is projected to finish on top. After a close race, John McCain claimed the top spot in Washington, his only victory of the day.
Read More Awaiting ResultsNews
x_juicyfruit 6 years
I love the coin thing, too! Very clever. Congrats again, Obama.
x_juicyfruit 6 years
I love the coin thing, too! Very clever.Congrats again, Obama.
Jillness 6 years
kiddy that is great! I think it is such a good thing when citizens discuss the issues in a respectful way!
raciccarone 6 years
Does anyone even live in Washington anymore?
trésjolie1 6 years
Yes we can!
trésjolie1 6 years
Yes we can!
kiddylnd 6 years
I caucused for Hillary today. I really am on the fence and thought by going the Hil route that I could get the Obama folks to tell me why I should pick one or the other. I figured if I went straight for him I wouldn't learn anything new as I was sure that my precinct was mostly Obama. We had some really good discussions and both sides made great cases. I learned a lot about the system, the candidates, and ultimately what really mattered to me. I was shocked to get so emotional about some issues in front of folks I don't know. It was a great experience. The place was PACKED to the gills. It took almost an hour before everyone was even signed in!
leelow13 6 years
Barack the vote!
leelow13 6 years
Barack the vote!
CitizenSugar 6 years
Thanks for noticing the quarters! I live with a numismatist--okay, a coin collector :)
misscoopa 6 years
Go Obama!
Princesskitty22 6 years
By the way, guys, I love that you're using the State quarter thing. Very clever. :)
Princesskitty22 6 years
Congrats to Mr. Obama.
Princesskitty22 6 years
Congrats to Mr. Obama.
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Just after 10 p.m. Monday, Lubbock County Investigators discovered thousands of dollars worth of chemicals in a North Lubbock storage facility. Authorities say the chemicals were stolen from Helena Chemical Company during the July 4th weekend.
Authorities tell us they discovered nearly $70,000 worth of stolen chemicals in a storage shed at Warehouses For You on North Frankford, just North of Urusline which is also very close to Helena Chemical on Clovis Highway.
The chemicals have been removed from the storage facility. "Ultimately, there were seven containers of Round Up recovered and 39 containers of Temk. We're looking at a recovery of around $71,000 - $72,000 worth of merchandise," Major Don Carter said.
Right now, there are no additional arrests, but investigators tell us the unit was leased by 31-year-old Jason Lamaster. On July 16th, authorities arrested 32-year-old Troy Fillingam in Lynn County.
Authorities also issued an arrest warrant for 51-year-old Lexie Stanford on July 23rd in connection with this case. We learned he was booked into the Lubbock County Jail just hours before the chemicals were found Monday night.
Authorities Arrest Man in Large Chemical Theft Case
Authorities arrested a man accused of stealing thousands of dollars worth of product from a Lubbock County chemical company. Troy Brandon Fillingam, 32, faces two counts of felony theft.
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More From Petroleum Category 11
Next-generation engine oil a vital part of heavy-duty...
Posted by Jack Roberts on Jun 03, 2013
If recent announcements from truck manufacturers are any indication, the next generation of heavy-duty truck models and engines will be ...
Do you want some tips to stay safe on the job site?
Equipment World has created an entire section devoted to safety.
Here are the most recent tips we've posted:
Hauling headaches: Know your load limits when trailering equipment
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Gregory Porter - Hey Laura
Artist: Gregory Porter
Producer: Brian Bacchus
The fifth cut off his 2013 album Liquid Spirit. This is his second Grammy nomination after his debut album Water was nominated in 2010.
Listen to More: Gregory Porter , R&B/Pop
Written by Lucas G. on 01/1/13
Motéma Music
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Ambergris Caye News
- Video Pick: Fun Snorkeling Belize
Ambergris Caye Articles
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Things We Take for Granted – Post Office and Medical Facilities
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Horoscopes: August 25 - 31
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Education in Belize: Effective Discipline
Ambergris Caye Other
- Community Bulletin
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Dorian's Angels- 08-27-2014 -
Angel Sofie Enjoys Parent and Child Pampering at Oasis Spa
As summer vacation draws to an end everyone is getting ready to head back to school, purchasing school supplies and getting everything set. Trips to the beach, play dates and other fun activities that children enjoy during summer are about to end, but what better way to say 'good-bye' to this year's summer vacation than with a relaxing day at the spa – parent and child fun. Oasis Spa located at the Fido's Pier has come up with a fantastic package for children and parent to enjoy at a very...Read More
Restaurant Review- 03-18-2014 -
Enjoy A Family Style Dinner at El Fogon Restaurant
El Fogon Restaurant in San Pedro, Ambergris Caye, is very well know for serving up rich local food that is packed with flavors typical of homemade Belizean food. The best part is the authentic smoky flavor of the fire hearth that is infused in most of the dishes they prepare. Cooking on an outside fire hearth (fogon) is what makes the restaurant stand out amongst the rest on the island. It's one of the best places to enjoy local food unique to Belize and also the island of Ambergris Caye. Lunch...Read More
Room Service- 09-13-2013 -
Luxury and Hospitality at its Best - San Ignacio Resort Hotel
Nestled in the heart of the Cayo District you will find one of Belize's oldest and finest premier resort, The San Ignacio Resort Hotel. This resort boasts first class amenities and accommodations for locals and international visitors seeking to relax or explore our beautiful Belize. Upon our arrival at the hotel we were greeted with the warmest of smiles from of one the friendliest front desk receptionist, Amaris Wakefield; she immediately made us feel at home. Amaris quickly delivered us a...Read More
Editorial Blog- 07-11-2014 -
There is No Such Thing as Too Much Lobster in Belize
Lobster season is BIG in Belize; big enough that there are three different festivals at three different destinations in the country that celebrate the opening of the season. You would think that the lobster season of Belize is closed for over half of the year for the country to make such a big deal about the opening season; well it is just closed four months. But those four months seem like an eternity for those lobster lovers who crave the sweet meat of the Caribbean Spiny Lobster. Plus,...Read More
What's Up Today, Gerry?- 08-12-2014 -
Boom Chika Boom - Eco Kids Summer Camp Rocks!
On July 20, 2014, Chaa Creek once again hosted 24 budding environmentalists in a week-long learning adventure that combines fun with hands-on education. The friendly management at the resort invited me to experience and witness all the fun and educational adventures that unfolds at their annual Eco Kids Summer Camp. Their journey begins on arrival to the camp site situated in the lush jungles of Belize within the Chaa Creek property, where they meet up with their counselors and fellow campers....Read More
What's Cooking Belize- 08-18-2014 -
Belizean Fish Roe Hash
If you were born in San Pedro, visited the island, or have lived here for some time and you have not yet eaten fish egg also called roe, it is just about time to enjoy this delicacy. Not only will you enjoy it but you will also be able to say that you are a real Sanpedrano. There are several ways to enjoy fish egg- fried or baked, but in this island dish recipe, you will get to prepare it like a hash. Prep InfoPrep Time: 10 minutesCooking Time: 1 HourServes: 6 people Ingredients1 Pound...Read More


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|Craigville Beach Inn 28 1338 Craigville Beach Road, Centerville
Score from 47 reviews: Good Latest Booking: August 31Featuring an indoor swimming pool, Craigville Beach Inn is in Centerville. Free Wi-Fi access is available. Craigville Beach is just a 2-minute drive from the property. More…
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|Cape Winds Resort 657 West Main Street, Hyannis
Score from 10 reviews: Very good Latest Booking: August 30Located just 1-mile from Craigville Beach, this resort offers suites with a kitchen. An indoor swimming pool and a hot tub are available on-site. More…
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|Resort & Conference Center at Hyannis 35 Scudder Avenue, Hyannis
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|Magnuson Hotel International Inn 662 Main Street, Hyannis
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People living in digital dead zones in rural Albemarle County are closer to getting service.
The Albemarle County Board of Supervisors will get a presentation Wednesday from the Broadband Task Force.
The task force is expected to identify when and how dead zones in the Scottsville, Samuel Miller, and Whitehall districts will be fixed.
"I understand that we were just recognized, the city of Charlottesville, as being one of the top ten wired communities in the entire country," Albemarle County Supervisor Jane Dittmar said. "So to drive 15 minutes outside and have people who can't have internet, can't use their cells, or can't get emergency vehicles in there because they don't have that, [it] doesn't make any sense."
Dittmar says she hopes private broadband service providers and the county can work together. She would like to see effective service everywhere in the county by the end of this year.
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Facebook I Love You Posts, Notes
Love can be found everywhere, like in nature, situations or certain people. If you love somebody you care for him and make him feel happy, although the how-to-love question is a matter of your own choice and a response of your own heart. If you love your work or your hobby, then you are passionate to make the things go. If you love the nature or your life as it is then you have a wonderful feeling of happiness and irresistible desire to embrace the world. Undoubtedly love is a motivating feeling, but it is real only if it is altruistic, i.e unconditional and devoted. Show your devotion and your love as long as life endures. Express your feelings to dearest people with real conviction by the quotes we offer to your attention.
If saying ordinary and usual words to your love seems not enough to you, you can always find something extraordinary with us. We shall give you the right hint and provide you with the most valuable quotes around the world. All you need to do is just visiting us. Like the quotes and sayings you agree with, rate and post them into your friends Facebook page to express your feelings in a great way!


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Washington shuts down ahead of fierce snowstorm
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. capital shut down on Wednesday ahead of a fierce snowstorm that had blanketed the Midwest, cut power to about 50,000 homes and businesses and forced hundreds of flights to be canceled.
Jokingly referred to as "snowquestration" in a nod to the federal budget crunch, the wintry weather prompted storm warnings for much of the Ohio River Valley and the mid-Atlantic states and as far south as Georgia as the storm moved east, the National Weather Service said.
The Washington area could get slammed by its biggest snowfall in about two years, with 6 to 12 inches expected, the service said.
The government, already hit by $85 billion in budget cuts that took effect last Friday, ordered 375,000 federal workers in the Washington area to stay home. Many businesses and institutions also closed, including the International Monetary Fund.
Major school districts in the region shut down ahead of the storm, which is packing winds of up to 35 miles per hour (56 km per hour).
In the Appalachian foothills, heavy snow began overnight at Charlottesville, Virginia, and left more than 1 foot on the ground by morning. Schools were closed and roads were mostly empty.
"We've had about four snow warnings this season, but this is the first time it's actually happened," said Lucy Rucker, 70, a retiree whose power was knocked out by morning.
"We'll be spending the day indoors, I guess," she said.
Airlines canceled some 1,900 flights, including about 700 at Washington's Reagan, Dulles and Baltimore-Washington International airports. About 1,700 flights were canceled on Tuesday as the storm moved across the north-central United States.
The heavy, wet snow brought down power lines and tree limbs, and about 54,000 Dominion Resources Inc homes and businesses were without power in Virginia. American Electric Power Co Inc and FirstEnergy Corp reported 5,000 customers in West Virginia were in the dark.
Coastal flood warnings were in effect for part of the Atlantic coast from Maryland north to New York's Long Island and Connecticut. Authorities in Brick Township, on New Jersey's northern shore, urged residents in flood-prone areas to evacuate.
The system dumped 9 inches of snow on Chicago's O'Hare International Airport by midnight on Tuesday, making it the city's biggest snowstorm in two years, the weather service said.
The heaviest snowfall was recorded at La Grange Park, Illinois, and at North Webster, Indiana, both with 11 inches.
Monique Bond, a spokeswoman with the Illinois State Patrol, said bad weather may have contributed to a deadly crash on Interstate Highway 70 in Marshall, Illinois, near the Indiana border.
A female driver heading east on I-70 crossed the median and crashed into a westbound tanker truck. The driver of the car and her young child died in the accident.
The heavy snow shut down at least 500 schools in central and southern Ohio, including the University of Cincinnati. The Ohio Department of Transportation said that one highway in the southern part of the state had 75 to 100 vehicles off the road.
(Additional reporting by Scott DiSavino, Patrick Rucker, Kim Palmer and Lesley Wroughton; Editing by Barbara Goldberg, Jeffrey Benkoe and Maureen Bavdek)
The debt has one cause, the aristocratic view of superiority and exemption to responsibility, aye even subjugation of Christianity itself. They would rather mint Ceasar's denarii and subjugate humanity to a slaves wage. The top quintile income wealth is over 60% of the national income summation. And yet we tax poverty levels to hoard even that last 1% of coin. And tax least at the highest income levels.
The House of Representatives has the authority of taxation and can look no where else to shed it's purpose. "…that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion;…".
Have a happy day :-).
Honorable Senator/Representative/POTUS,
Stop Sequestration.
This is a mandate for a Federal income tax system that funds Federal, Health (Obama-Care and Medicare) and Social security. One Margin level will yield the $3.8T revenue: %0-$20k 0% tax rate, $20k upwards 35% flat rate, income bundled and taxed in summation form, couples freely share, no business tax and no exemptions. The rate is less than 2011 single standard at under $200K. The Federal Reserve sets the rates, mandated to maintaining monetary value and supply.
Thank you for your immediate attention,
Your constituent [Zip Code]
'In come the people and gum it up good. The first thing you know, it's to civilzed even for snow, the first thing you know.' Paint Your Wagon Lee Marvin, Clint Eastwood and Jean Seberg…musical.
I posted that rather than some other mindless sarcastic one liner….
- Islamic State executes soldiers, takes hostages at Syria base: social media
- Breakthrough hopes dented as Ukraine accuses Russia of new incursion |
- Gaza truce holding but Israel's Netanyahu under fire at home |
- WHO shuts Sierra Leone lab after worker infected with Ebola
- IMF's Lagarde put under investigation in French fraud case |


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forever crush.
||Reblog|| :qws:
(Source: thevelvetscientist, via lokosdesnudos)
i don't know if it's the walking
or if it's the laughing
or the dining and
literally breaking bread
while sitting Indian style on the floor…
I don't know if it's long drawl of "chile"
or if it's the magic in her headdress
but something about spending time [with etceterauniverse]
creates the most orchestral of sounds
and life becomes the dope at
It's been about four years since I played? My band director would be so disappointed
All kinds of yes.
(Source: standingontheeject, via qweeers)
Robert Glasper - Radiohead Cover
"Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box".


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On Friday, May 17, 2013, at the Broward County Convention Center, we will host The O.B.I.E's (Orange Bowl Impact & Excellence Awards). We will select the most outstanding male and female nominees from Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties. Each student will receive a $2,500 scholarship, which must be applied towards college tuition, fees, housing and/or books. Recipients MUST BE PRESENT to receive their awards.
As you evaluate your student-athletes, we ask that you consider a student who has played sports for multiple years, has a financial need, has demonstrated a commitment to the total school program and community, faced adversities, overcome milestones and has maintained above average grades. The accompanying official transcript, student essay, recommendation and comments are essential to the selection process.
Nominees must meet all eligibility requirements and deadlines to be considered as an Orange Bowl Scholar-Athlete. Nomination packets must be received in the Orange Bowl Committee offices no later than 5:00 p.m. Friday, April 26th. Enclosed you will find a complete nomination packet including eligibility requirements and provisions. Please mail or fax the completed nomination form to:
Orange Bowl Committee
Attn: Latoya M. Williams
Orange Bowl Scholar-Athlete Program
14360 NW 77th Court
Miami Lakes, FL 33016
Fax: (305) 341-4775
© 2014, OrangeBowl.org. All Rights Reserved.
Orangebowl.org is the official web site of the Orange Bowl Committee, host of the 2013 Discover Orange Bowl and Discover BCS National Championship Game.


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Mon, Apr 21, 14 at 21:35
|The pictured plant was found in woodland near Shiloh, TN several years ago. I now have two colonies of these in my shady backyard. I have been unable to identify what they are. The foliage is never more than 6" tall, and the flower stalks are 6 to 10" tall ( in bloom now). The backside of the older leaves is purple. They are evergreen when given extra water in Summer. They really thrive in cooler weather.
Follow-Up Postings:
|The photo isn't showing up for me.
|I can't see the picture either.
|Well, I'll try again. This time I resized the photo. Don't know if that helps, but it's worth a try. Thanks for looking.
|Dentaria maxima? aka Cardamine maxima. Large toothwort.
|Yes, looks like toothwort.
|Thanks for your information. I searched "Dentaria" and "toothwort" and I believe you both are correct that it is a toothwort. I think it must be D. maxima. It actually make a good ground cover under my oak trees. It stays nicely green in winter, and will stay green in summer if given extra water. However, it is slow to spread, so does not make a quick ground cover. Thanks again.
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Amazon buys video game streaming company Twitch
In its second-largest acquisition, Amazon buys the company for $970 million.
Amazon buys video game streaming company Twitch
In its second-largest acquisition, Amazon buys the company for $970 million.
Newegg takes same-day delivery into its own hands
The computer and electronics e-retailer is unleashing its own fleet of delivery vehicles in Los Angeles.
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New president Jonathan Shapiro, whose hiring was announced this week, plans to boost the proportion of web sales at the 50+-year-old cataloger from its current 25% to 35%. And he plans to step up the web`s role as a testing vehicle for new product lines.
The web is about to become even more important to Lillian Vernon Corp. New president Jonathan Shapiro, whose hiring was announced this week, plans to boost the proportion of web sales at the 50+-year-old cataloger from its current 25% to 35% by the end of this year. And he plans to step up the webís role as a testing vehicle for new product lines.
Shapiro, a former McKinsey & Co. consultant and DoubleClick executive, will direct the company's catalog and online businesses. He worked as a management consultant with Lillian Vernon Corp. and major stakeholder ZelnickMedia Corp. last year.
His objective with Lillian Vernon will be to make the shopping experience "as easy as possible" for customers in whichever channel they choose: web, catalog, or phone, he tells Internet Retailer. . On the web, Shapiro says, Lillian Vernon will focus on opportunities for improvement in site navigation, look and feel; personalization, and merchandising including product mix. "In the personalization area, for example, even if you are a registered Lillian Vernon customer, right now the site doesn`t recognize you and log you in automatically. We`ll be making that convenience available in the future," he says.
He also plans to tighten up cross channel integration with planned new features such as allowing customers who place an order on the phone to track its status online. But Shapiro sees the web as more than a convenient order-taking mechanism, one indication of new thinking at the company since it was acquired by ZelnickMedia and Ripplewood Holdings LLC last April.
He notes that the web represents the perfect way to test products to ensure that Lillian Vernon's offering is on target, building on tests last year that resulted in stationery items and Halloween costumes for adults ending up in this year's catalogs.
"We think of the web as an opportunity to redefine the way we do direct marketing," Shapiro says. "Testing online is cost effective, and if it works you can easily roll it into the book. That's a small example of how we are going to use the technology of the web to do traditional direct marketing better."
The online marketplace introduced new rules for sellers last month. It's crucial that sellers understand ...
Posted 08/29/14
Consumers in many countries are buying more online each year. Understanding the nuances of each ...
Posted 08/29/14
If there's something you've bought offline that you weren't able to buy online, we're probably thinking about that."


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Amazon Fire Phone vs. iPhone 5S vs. Galaxy S5 vs. HTC One M8
Here's how Amazon's Fire Phone stacks up to the iPhone 5S, Samsung Galaxy S5 and HTC One M8
Founded in 1994, Amazon Inc. is the world's largest ecommerce retailer. The company currently employs more than 43,200 people in 18 U.S. states and 14 international locations. Its headquarters are in Seattle, Wash.
In Amazon's mission statement, the company says it's working towards becoming "Earth's most customer-centric company where people can find and discover anything they want to buy online." Millions of new and used items are sold on Amazon.com, Zappos.com, Endless.com, Shopbop.com and on its international web properties.
Items available for purchase include books, movies, music, games, sportswear, automotive parts and more. Founder Jeff Bezos started selling only books on Amazon.com in 1995. During the first 30 days online, customers in 50 states and 45 countries ordered items. He shipped packages from his Seattle garage. In 2007, the company dove back into the books industry by introducing the Amazon Kindle ebook reader. There are over more than a million books, newspapers and magazines available for purchase on the Kindle, Kindle Touch and Kindle Fire.
Here's how Amazon's Fire Phone stacks up to the iPhone 5S, Samsung Galaxy S5 and HTC One M8
Amazon's Fire Phone and Firefly button is purpose-built for shopping, but are you buying?
Here's how Amazon's Fire Phone delivers an immersive 3D experience though Dynamic Perspective.
Amazon finally dipped its feet into the smartphone market.
Talk about a non-firestarter. Amazon's Fire Phone doesn't support Bluetooth LE. Which means it won't work with your Fitbit.
Amazon's new Fire Phone features Firefly technology that lets you scan real-world objects with your phone for and get detailed information instantly.
Amazon unveiled a smartphone, based on its Kindle Fire line of tablets, at an event in Seattle on Wednesday.
When he was still in high school, Jeff Bezos designed his own mini summer camp for fourth through sixth graders. Precociously enough, he called it the DREAM Institute, and charged $600 a pop.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos unveiled the company's first smartphone on Wednesday in Seattle. The new device is called the Fire Phone.
While 3D imagery has found limited success on larger screens, smartphones have been almost universally restricted to two dimensions.
Amazon has proven it can do a tablet without Google. But can it build a smartphone without Google Maps?
The new "Times" feature will get you to your favorite theater on time, while the "Watch" button makes your content right at home.
Amazon is expected to announce its first smartphone on Wednesday, giving the company more access to consumers and perhaps transforming shopping with 3D technology.
The smartphone that Amazon is expected to announce on Wednesday will be available exclusively through AT&T, according to a report. Amazon plans to start shipping the phone by the end of September, just in time for the holiday season, The Wall Street Journal reports. The article, which cites "people familiar with" Amazon's plans, did not provide details about pricing. Reps from Amazon and AT&T could not be reached for comment.
Amazon may not have smartphone yet, but it already seems to be making a not-so-subtle pitch for developers to build apps for one.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos sent his favorite children's book to press attending the company's mysterious product event and it comes with a very clear message.
The already crowded streaming music market now has to contend with Amazon.
Book publisher Hachette has a high-profile companion in its standoff with Amazon.
Had a long day? Amazon wants to get you a massage.
Photographers are upset about a new Amazon patent involving shooting against a white background, but experts say it shouldn't affect them too much.
Amazon is holding an event in Seattle in a couple of weeks, and everyone's invited. Really -- anyone in the world can theoretically sign up, although the company says space is limited. Democratizing a tech launch event -- typically a very insider-y affair -- is an uncommon, if gimmicky move, although it suggests that what Amazon has up its sleeve is pretty big.
Book publisher Hachette announced layoffs on Thursday, but said they were unrelated to the company's dispute with Amazon.
Amazon is messing with the wrong guy. A few days after best-selling author Malcolm Gladwell came out against the online retailer for raising prices and delaying shipments of his books because of a dispute with publisher Hachette, Colbert has done the same. Colbert's plaint, however, is funnier.
Thanks to Amazon's teaser video, the company's mysterious June 18 product announcement may not be so mysterious after all. On Wednesday, Amazon announced plans to introduce a new product later this month. The company attempted to create some anticipation with a 50-second video that showed consumers reacting to something offscreen, but the Internet has pored over the video -- and found what looks like the reflection of a smartphone in one woman's glasses.
Ever since there were shops, people have enjoyed window shopping. But a new phenomenon is emerging that takes the habit to the extreme. If you save things to your Amazon wishlist without ever actually buying them, browse gadgets, clothes and offers online as a pastime or fill your shopping cart without going through with the payment, you may be a fauxsumer. This "false consumerism", particularly prevalent among millenials, is the process of discovering products online without purchasing anything.


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It was in the Arago cave (la Caune de l'Arago), perched above the Tautavel plain, that the oldest European human skull was found in 1971. It belonged to a man in his twenties. With its flat receding forehead, rectangular eye sockets under a bulge and a projecting jaw, the skull is that of an evolved Homo erectus living there around 450,000 years ago.
Apart from this spectacular discovery, various digs have found 70 parts of human remains: lower jaws and teeth belonging to about twenty adults and children.
Scientists' findings enabled the museum to reconstitute six scenes in the daily life of these hunters: we can see them defending the rhinoceros they just killed against wolves, tracking bisons and bears etc.
The cave is reproduced in the museum and each of its 22 rooms is dedicated to one particular theme: tools, flora and fauna, human evolution, techniques used in digs. Most of the rooms have interactive VDUs and audiovisual equipment to help us understand our prehistoric past.
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Big Bad Booty Daddy
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Comments Thread For: Mares-Agbeko II, Moreno-Darchinyan: Pre-Report Card
Russell Mora cant screw this one up. For fans that cant afford the Cotto-Margarito rematch so close to Christmas, fans using this as an alternate undercard, and fans DVRing for later review, its a fine starting point.
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i think you got both the picks right here. . . although im still back and forth on the darchinyan fight. . . i definitely think mares pulls away in this one to take a 116-112 type decision. . .
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busy night, too bad the small guys are against the big boys ...
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You can't hurt what you can't hit, I see Moreno making Darchinyan look more raw than normal and frustrating him all night with his work rate for the decision, I wouldn't be surprised if he's in trouble a few time though on the way to the win
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Hard to imagine fights of this quality having to take a back seat but thats the level of entertainment we have ahead tonight!
Anyway i like Mares again on points vs King Kong
But im struggling with Moreno vs Vic. I'll say Darchinyan i think but theres nothing in it
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Moreno has also an on going legal issue with his manager in his native Panama and was signed by GBP through the back door so has a lot to prove to a lot of people and Darchinyan is the perfect opposition for him. IMO, I am looking forward to this...
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This is a massive night for boxing, i'm so mad that both cards are on at the same time, way to split the audience and have us channel surfing lmao, Saturday Night Wars
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Couldn't be happier to be wrong on a pick. The layoff and Parra had me questioning my regard for Moreno. F that...he's better than I thought. This is one of the best in the world by a little bit.
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Review: KCRW's "Are Friends Eclectic?" Holiday Benefit Bash, Orpheum Theatre, December 3, 2011
White Denim's James Petralli by Jeremiah Garcia
I was fortunate to be able to attend KCRW's winter holiday benefit concert "Are Friends Eclectic?" this weekend past at the venerable Orpheum Theatre in downtown Los Angeles. [Open article]
27 March 2010: Immigration Marches Are Back En Vogue In Los Angeles
El pueblo unido jamás será vencido
Photo Credit: Megan D [Open article]
Video: International Pillow Fight Day '09, April 4, Pershing Square
International Pillow Fight Day '09 – Los Angeles
Holy flying feathers, Batman. [Open article]
Notes Re: Lucent L'Amour 2009
Just before jetting off to Hawai'i (possibly never to be heard from again?), Losanjealous socialite/bon vivant contributor-at-large Glennie faxed in these rough column post-it notes, presumably regarding a recent evening at Lucent L'Amour 2009. [Open article]
2008 Detour Festival, Downtown, October 4, 2008, Photo Gallery
From top to bottom, in reverse alphabetical order: We Are Wolves, The Submarines, The Presets, Mugison, The Mae Shi, Noah and the Whale, Nico Vega, Koss Silent Disco, Hercules & Love Affair, Grand Ole Party, Gogol Bordello, Datarock, Cut Copy, Black Lips, Bitter:Sweet and Adam Freeman. [Open article]


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Hi! So i have a question about moonkin gemming for Rbg's. As ive seen so far, there are alot of people gemming differently and it makes my brain confused. Ive tried gemming only for pvp power and taking 2 socket bonuses with resi gems and red gem in headslot. And reforging haste > crit or haste > mastery.
Im not really a math pro so if theres a general way to think for this season for moonkins would be really appriecieted as far as gemming goes?
Moonkin Gemming
Started by Watercolor, Jan 10 2013 05:24 PMdruid boomkin
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The search for Bigfoot is underway in metro Atlanta. But it's not what you might think.A foam likeness of the famous Sasquatch was stolen from a Roswell yard.The Chick family has used a 7-foot likeness of the mythical creature as a target practice near their home. "We will go back there and shoot it and sometimes we will have competitions," said Alex Chick. "Me and my dad have really bonded off of it."Sometime last week, it vanished.The family has filed a police report and is offering a reward for Bigfoot's return.
Firefighters are calling a man a hero after he helped save a family from a burning home in DeKalb County.
WJBK-TV | Fox 2 16550 West Nine Mile Rd.Southfield, MI 48075Main Station: (248) 557-2000Newsroom: (248) 552-5103


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Ingram Park Nissan Applauds Nissan LEAF for Setting Backwards Speed Record
SAN ANTONIO, July 10, 2012 /PRNewswire-iReach/ -- Nissan is no stranger to unique marketing, and at this year's Goodwood Festival of Speed, the automaker broke a new record that truly turned heads. The festival, which took place June 29-July 1, showcased the fully electric Nissan LEAF. The fuel-saving vehicle was challenged to conquer the Goodwood hillclimb course quickly and in reverse. Ingram Park Nissan, a quality Nissan dealer in San Antonio, TX, congratulates Nissan for breaking records and raising awareness for the auto brand in unique ways.
(Photo: http://photos.prnewswire.com/prnh/20120710/CG38274)
The Goodwood hillclimb consists of over a mile-long course, which the Nissan LEAF needed to complete as quickly as possible and while driving entirely in reverse. The electric car finished the challenge while driving approximately 55 mph, breaking a new record. Operated by stunt driver Terry Grant, the LEAF proved its capabilities in speed, maneuverability and performance in a rather offbeat manner.
Capable of achieving the equivalent of 106 mpg, the 100% electric LEAF was designed to offer the most efficiency found in any vehicle to date. With a maximum speed of 90 mph and a top range of up to 100 miles when fully charged, the electric car is set to change the auto industry in a big way.
Nissan strives to inform car buyers of the outstanding possibilities of electric cars, and will continue to market the LEAF's innovation with the same creative advertising strategy.
For more information on Nissan in San Antonio, TX, or the expansive inventory of new and used cars in San Antonio available at Ingram Park Nissan, contact the dealership today.
Media Contact: Rob Malanowski, Ingram Park Nissan, 210-764-9617, email@example.com
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text: Originally, when I wrote the title of this post (which is the first thing that I do with every post), the word "October" creeped in. Having to delete it and replace it with "November" is a pretty jarring reminder that time marches forward despite our inept human complaints. As you guys well know, around here we like to deal with the inevitability of human existence in the only way we know how: with a rousing Want It Wednesday full of things we'd all like to own.


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Black Hat 2014
Consternation and angst reign after the famed physicist suggests there are no black holes from which light can't escape to infinity.
One of the most powerful black holes in the observable universe has been revealed by NASA's Chandra X-Ray Observatory.
Astronomers at the Chandra X-ray Observatory explain why the black hole at the heart of the Milky Way galaxy doesn't consume everything in sight.
The supermassive black hole at the centre of our galaxy has been spotted slurping up a cloud of hot gas that is falling into it.
Astronomers have spotted a black hole waking up and snacking on a giant planet that got a little too close.
The ability to measure the distortion of space and time near the supermassive black holes lurking at the hearts of many, if not all, large galaxies may give astronomers a new tool for studying galactic evolution.
Difficult to see, these enormously dense objects are buried at the hearts of galaxies.
Data from the European Space Agency's XMM-Newton and NASA's NuSTAR space telescopes is enabling astronomers to measure the rate of spin for black holes.
A rare distorted supernova explosion leads scientists to believe they may be witnessing the birth of a black hole for the first time ever.
NASA's Chandra X-ray telescope has captured a picture of a distorted supernova remnant that may contain the most recently formed black hole in the Milky Way.


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Brazil's swap rates rose to a two-week high after the central bank raised its forecast for 2014 inflation, adding to speculation that policy makers will sustain the pace of increases in borrowing costs.
Swap rates due in January 2015 climbed nine basis points, or 0.09 percentage point, to 10.23 percent at 10:09 a.m. in Sao Paulo, the highest level on a closing basis since Sept. 17. They extended their quarterly increase to 36 basis points. The real appreciated 0.9 percent to 2.22327 per dollar today, paring its drop since the end of June to less than 0.1 percent.
Central bank President Alexandre Tombini reiterated last week that policy makers must remain vigilant to prevent the real from weakening and fueling inflation. The central bank projects inflation at 5.7 percent in 2014 in the market scenario of its quarterly inflation report published today, up from the prior 5.2 percent forecast.
"The message from the central bank is that it will keep raising rates," Flavio Serrano, senior economist at Banco Espirito Santo de Investimento in Sao Paulo, said in a telephone interview. "The increase in the inflation forecast for 2014 was a surprise. The fact that the central bank took into account a more depreciated exchange rate changed the inflation dynamics."
The real has rallied 9.2 percent since Aug. 22, when the central bank announced a $60 billion program to bolster the currency and curb inflation. The gain is the biggest among all of the world's currencies tracked by Bloomberg.
To contact the reporters on this story: Blake Schmidt in Sao Paulo at firstname.lastname@example.com; Josue Leonel in Sao Paulo at email@example.com
To contact the editor responsible for this story: David Papadopoulos at firstname.lastname@example.com


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Escape from IKEA – Choose Your Own AdventurePosted: August 17, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: books, choose your own adventure, comedy, games, humor, IKEA, writing Comments Off
If you read my site, then you know that I'm a bit obsessed with 80's pop culture. One thing I loved in the 80's was choose your own adventure books. I actually loved them so much, I created one for the George Zimmerman jury selection. It's a bit dated, but it's still available for playing here.
But I recently had an experience at IKEA. While the IKEA experience is a bit intimidating, it also occurred to me that it makes a pretty good quest. And swashbuckling adventurer that I am, I can enjoy a good quest.
Which is why I attempted to buy a desk from them. Luckily, I just barely managed to escape from IKEA alive, but can you? Test your knowledge below by playing;
Escape from IKEA! – A Choose Your Own Adventure Rip-Off (with more swearing)
Today is a day for bravery. Today is a day for courage. Today, you will put down that remote, you will get in your car. You will buy a computer desk for your son from IKEA.
This is something that you've been putting off for awhile. This is for good reason. There are few places more feared than an IKEA in Orlando, Florida on a Saturday afternoon. IKEA has this amazing ability to drive even the most even tempered person to murder. Entire families have broken up over simple trips to IKEA on a Saturday. People have been scarred for life.
You ever have this dream? You're walking down a hallway, trying to get to the end. You can see the end, but the closer you get to it, the further it gets away. Every time you're just about to reach it, it slides just out of reach.
Yeah, that's kind of the design concept IKEA was built on. But today, you will do what needs to be done. So you brave the I-4 traffic and you finally make it to the Orlando IKEA.
Your bravery pales a bit when you see the parking lot. It's a lot like a parking lot right before a game at Yankees stadium, with significantly more Cuban people.
As you cruise the parking lot, you realize that parking is limited. You;
Park like 12 miles away and walk
Fuck this, you're going home to watch reality TV
Everything Gives You CancerPosted: July 31, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, health, humor, jokes, writing Leave a comment
My dog likes popsicles. Specifically, my dog likes grape popsicles, but she only really likes them if you hold them for her while she licks them. If you put the popsicle down even for a second, she gets bored and she stops licking.
My point is this; my dogs' obsession with popsicles is a lot like the American public's obsession with the media. We all suck it up as long as someone is spoon feeding us the information, but the second we're expected to do anything for ourselves, we lose all interest.
Case in point; everything gives you cancer.
In the ten years I've been online, I've been sent about 7000 messages indicating some innocuous thing like number two pencils or pork barbeque was going to give me cancer. This mass panic works. People share the message. They comment on the message.
They all get together and lick the giant purple popsicle.
Here's the truth people. EVERYTHING gives you cancer. When I was in the Germany, I joined a debate class mainly out of boredom, but also to get out of work details. I was only auditing, but I was still given the opportunity to make a speech when Spring finals came.
My speech was entitled 'the benefits of smoking' and I pissed a lot of people off. I pointed out the decline of obesity rates in smokers and I pointed out the positive economic impact of smoking. When people argued cancer statistics, I came up with some statistics of my own.
Specifically, in a free thought poetry format I named about 400 chemicals, that you will find everyday in products in your house, that will give you cancer. Not making this up. Email me if you want the list.
After that, everybody shut up, not just because of my mad, mad lyrical skills, but also because everyone knows the Germans can't rap.
The truth is that cancer isn't that complicated. It is nothing more than cells multiplying at maximum pace. Once they multiple fast enough, they go from 'calcifications' to tumors. How do you get those cells to multiple? Constant friction.
You ever rub your hands together real fast and little rolly balls of skin start to come off? That's pretty much the explanation of cancer, only it's happening inside your body where you can't control it. Much like constant friction on the inside of an oyster will create a pearl, constant friction on the inside of a human body will give you cancer.
So yes, everything will give you cancer. Hell, if I rubbed a strawberry under my left armpit long enough I'm sure I would eventually get cancer. Because the formula for cancer is surprisingly simple. Constant friction results in frequent cell turnover, but when that friction tells cells they need to turn over faster, they start creating new cells.
And abracadabra…cancer.
But cancer, no matter how simple, is still sexy. It's still news. Those news stations want you to tune in so you can see how your air fresheners, your carpet clearer and your box of California raisins are all toxic. After all, imminent death is news worthy. The results of friction aren't.
Everything gives you cancer. If it hasn't yet, it will soon. But I don't panic and I don't argue. Instead, I start rubbing another strawberry under my armpit and I say "I'll see you in hell bitches."
Because if everything can give you cancer, then there's really nothing left to avoid, now is there?
Citizen of the WorldPosted: July 25, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, humor, travel, writing 1 Comment
You never really wind up where you thought you'd be. I think that's kind of the whole meaning of life.
But if I could freeze frame a moment in time, I would freeze frame this. Me and Sara sitting on the hood of her car, at Jericho pond outside of Berlin New Hampshire. We passed a joint back and forth. I told her I was gonna be a famous writer. She told me that she was going to marry the trophy husband to end all trophy husbands.
What can I say? It was Berlin New Hampshire; our dreams were small.
Less than half an hour later, our idyllic haze was lifted by the entrance of Sara's boyfriend. I was left behind with Sara's bitter friend, Jesse.
Jesse yakked about his ability to steal car stereos for about 20 minutes straight, while I tried to look interested. I mean, how hard is it to steal a car stereo? See car…insert screwdriver. Done. It's hardly rocket science.
But then Jesse started yakking about his big city dreams. At one point, he looked over at me and he said. "Nah, you don't get it. You're a hick. You were born to be a hick. You'll never get out of Berlin, New Hampshire."
Rest assured, I wasn't offended. By the time I was 18, I learned what it was like to be the smartest person in the room, when your room was filled with a bunch of Forest Gumps with no ambition. I knew that people not as bright as me resented me and I wasn't that impressed by anyone's ability to steal a car stereo. Hell, a monkey with a screwdriver could do that.
But it got me wondering, what about having small town aspirations is so bad? What if I had decided to stay in Berlin New Hampshire? What if I had decided to carve out a life for myself in a town that boasts less than 10,000 residents? Would that mean I gave up? That I didn't think I could hack it in a city?
Nope. I'm going to go ahead and disagree with that one.
Both types present their own form of challenges. In a city, you live with an anonymous past and you try to find a way to make yourself stand out from the crowd. In a small town, everyone knows your past and you try to find a way to get the people there to forget about the things you've done.
Now, I've acclimated myself to a lot of cities and I've acclimated myself to a lot of small towns, but I always found those small towns the hardest to break into. Because when you become part of a small town, it's almost like marrying into a family. Sure, you're technically a part of it thanks to some legality, but you can't really become part of it but for the approval of the people.
In a big city, I show up, I pay my rent and no one gives a fuck. But also, no one gives a fuck if I'm dead in my apartment for 3 days while my dog eats my face.
You give a little, you get a little.
I have a friend. I have a really sweet friend who once told me, "I don't care about money. I don't care about love. I just want to find a home." Then, after that inspirational statement, she vomited on my shoes and passed out on the floor.
City living at its best.
That was when I realized, you don't really need to choose one or the other. You can make friends in a city as easily as you could make friends in a small town. What matters is your perspective. You get what you put in.
So I'm not a small town girl, nor am I a big city girl. I'm simply a citizen of the world.
That day, Jesse was right. He wasn't right in calling me a hick. I had an IQ at least 40 points higher than his and I also knew that stealing a stereo didn't mean shit if you didn't take the base box with you, but he was right about one thing.
I didn't really belong anywhere. I saw the cities and the small towns for their flaws and I never looked deeper. I went from place to place and avenue to avenue trying to find a home, when I should have known that home was right in front of me.
I'm a citizen of the world. I blend seamlessly into it because I know that I'm not that important. Every now and then I do something that matters. Every now and then, I say something that matters, but I don't say it on behalf of any given place.
I say it for me and I say it because it needs to be said. I would have said it regardless of whether I lived in a big city or a small town.
Where you live is not an accomplishment. If by an accident of your birth, you were born in New York City or Kenosha Wisconsin, you're not special. You're not special until you do something that makes you special.
You know when I became special? It happened on a hot summer night, sitting on the hood of my friend Sara's car up at Jericho Park in a tiny little town that no one gives a shit about.
I picked a lofty dream, despite the fact that I had small town roots and I made that dream happen. But when it did, it wasn't about where I came from. I could have been born in a small town and I could have born in a big city. Either way, the results would have been the same. I would have grabbed the world by the nut sack and I would have made it do what I told it to do.
So I'm not a city girl and I'm not a small town chick. I'm simply a citizen of the world. I'm a citizen of the world because I know this.
It isn't about where you came from. It's about where you go.
Tips for Writing a Young Adult NovelPosted: July 17, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: books, comedy, humor, novel, writing, young adult 1 Comment
As you all know, I like to delve into various writing styles. I write in everything from technical non-fiction, to pulp novels to erotica. But there is one area I have never tried out before…until now.
If we've learned anything from Stephenie Meyer or Jaime McGuire, writing young adult romance is a fucking goldmine! If they can do it, why can't I?
And why can't you for that matter? As I was researching into this, I found many of the following common themes that I am going to use to make me a quadrillionaire.
So here are my tips for writing a shitty young adult novel that will have readers banging down your door for more. Then, you can cash in again by writing the same story from the heroes point of view.
Essa's Tips for Writing a Shitty Young Adult Novel
- Your heroine must be beautiful, but she must have no idea that she's beautiful To underline this lack of confidence, she should regularly trip over her own feet and she must dress like a bag lady…right up until her gay BFF gives her a makeover.
- She must have a gay BFF. Gay BFFs have three benefits. Number one, they show other girls how trendy we are. Number two, they show boys that other boys like us. Number three, those straight boys won't be intimidated because our gay BFF isn't competition. Because god forbid a chick be friends with a guy who is straight.
- The boy must qualify as a bad boy, but he also must be redeemable. See, in real life, these high school bad boys with the tattoos and the muscles spend all their time being tough and cool, instead of getting good grades and applying for colleges. After high school, these bad boys trade in their motorcycles for jobs pumping gas and peddling small amounts of weed to local teenagers. At night, they become 'that creepy old dude' at the high school kid's parties. But in the novel world, the bad boy is secretly a genius who only needed the love of a good woman to set him on the right track.
- All the other girls in your book, aside from the kooky, weirdly overprotective best friend, are sluts and bitches who want nothing more than the leading man. Actually, every single woman on the planet should be obsessed with the leading man, even the lesbians. Because lesbians don't exist in the young adult world. Only sluts, bitches and the kooky best friend exist.
- Never underestimate the power of exclamation points! Exclamation points make everything more exciting! Why describe how exciting something is when you can just phone it in with punctuation!
- Every man on the planet who isn't the leading man is a nefarious, evil stalker who will eventually attempt to rape the female lead…if she hasn't been raped already. Because there is nothing more romantic than a graphic attempted rape scene in novel aimed at young adults.
- The hero must commit several felonies to prove his love for the heroine, up to and including; beating the shit out of any guy who dares talk to the heroine, kidnapping the heroine, breaking into her house or repeatedly stalking her. These same crimes would usually be creepy if an ugly guy did it, but the hero gets away with it because he's hot.
- When in doubt, also make the bad boy a vampire or werewolf…fuck it, make him a werewolf/vampire/pirate.
All right people, I've got to get to work on this. I'm estimating I can churn out one book like this a week for the foreseeable future. After that, all there is left to do is count my money.
4th of July – You Need to Earn the Right to be ProudPosted: July 4, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: 4th of july, comedy, holiday, humor, jokes, writing 1 Comment
In a few minutes, I'm going to go outside, light something on fire and shoot my gun up into the air. No, not because it's 4th of July. Mainly, because it's Friday and I've been day drinking since noon.
I like being American. I like being American because America is me. America is a good looking, aggressive, capitalist loving, loud-mouthed country that loves talking shit. It frequently gets into fights for no reason, and gets itself involved in fights that are none of its business. It tells others what to do, despite that fact that it's a broke, substance abusing mess. It never admits it's wrong and when something makes it really mad, it blows something up.
I'm pretty sure that is how most of my friends would describe me. I'm super glad that I was lucky enough to be born in a country that I have so much in common with.
But I'm not 'proud to be an American." To me, being proud actually indicates you did something to earn that pride. Being born an American was a lucky accident of my birth. I didn't earn being an American. It was given to me by the benevolent flying spaghetti monster. For that I'm grateful.
But I'm not proud.
I'm proud of my novels. I'm proud of the time I served in the military. Hell, I'm proud of the fact that I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. I earned those things because I worked for them, so I am proud of them.
I wouldn't say that I'm proud to be white or proud to be blond. Those were genetics. I had nothing to do with that. Am I glad? Hell yeah! I can't dance and I could never get one of those complicated handshakes down. I really wouldn't be able to pull off being black and I'm not sexy enough to be Hispanic. So I'm glad to be white, but I'm not proud to be white.
And I'm not proud to be an American.
Ironically, the people who actually deserve the right to claim they are proud to be Americans are the ones who get bitched at the most for being here in the first place.
The people that crawl through the desert in the dead of night to get past the border, or pay their life savings to arrive in someone's trunk should be proud. The people that come here on makeshift life rafts, paddling their way across an ocean that is more likely to kill them than help them deserve to be proud. The people who come here seeking asylum because they spoke out against their own country's corruption and crimes against humanity deserve to be proud. The people who have to study for and take a citizenship test that most of us born-and-bred Americans couldn't pass deserve to be proud.
Those people wanted to be here enough to risk their lives for it. They faced imprisonment for it and they gave up everything for it, including their wealth and families. Who does that remind me of?
Oh yeah, these guys.
Yes, I'm pro-immigration and pro-open borders, and it's not just because of my love of Hispanic pool boys. It's because if someone cares enough to come here, whatever the risk, I think they deserve to be here.
"E pluribus Unum" isn't just some silly Latin phrase on our money. It means something. Specifically, it means "out of many, one."
It was the original endorsement for immigration and it was made when this country first started, when people actually had to struggle and fight to be here and to make this our country….and also kill a fuckload of Native Americans, but I'm going to go ahead and gloss over that one in honor of the holiday.
Those people were proud Americans and the people that fight to be here are proud Americans.
But I'm not a proud American. I am a very lucky girl who was born 3 hours south of the Canadian border. I could have just as easily been Canadian…and I'm a fuckload of glad I wasn't. I'm far too rude to be Canadian.
So happy 4th, from one glad American, who was lucky enough to be born in a country arrogant enough to call itself the greatest nation on earth. America, we were made for each other.
Now if you'll all excuse me, I need to go indiscriminately fire some bullets into the sky and blow up a trash can with a cherry bomb.
Dear Cashier, Your Flirting is Wasted HerePosted: June 30, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, dating, humor, life, stupid people 5 Comments
As you know, I frequent a little place called "Gas Station" for purchasing my addiction necessary items; i.e. cigarettes and beer. No, I'm not making the name up or changing it. This place is actually just called "Gas Station."
I can respect that kind of marketing transparency.
What I can't respect is you, new cashier. You have started playing the obnoxious dating game that I hate so much, despite the fact that I want nothing more to do with you than beer and cigarette purchases.
Let me give you the dating game in four stages, in case it's unclear.
- Outright flirting "gee, your eyes are blue." "I like your hair like that."
- Passive aggressive flirting. "You'd look prettier in orange." "Why don't you leave your hair down?"
- Playing hard to get. "Oh, I can't wait on you now. I'm busy answering my fucking cell phone."
- Outright hostility. "Do you need to drink this much beer?" "Despite the fact that I see you 14 times a day, I need to see some ID."
Apparently, new cashier, you have decided we're in some type of relationship because I go to your store on a regular basis. I have been put through all of the obnoxious stages of flirting, from outright flirting, to outright hostility, despite the fact that I have no interest in you whatsoever.
Look at me. I show up at your fucking store in sweatpants with hair that hasn't been brushed in a week and I bitch about period cramps as I slip an economy pack of tampons onto your register. I am making no effort to impress you. This is not part of the mating ritual. You are supposed to be my safe zone. I shouldn't have to deal with your fucking mind games because I never promised you anything but the $4.23 a day it costs to support my nicotine addiction.
But you still manage to get offended by me refusing to date you. Really, you should be thankful. I'm a terrible human being. But you need to stop being offended, because you aren't my type.
Let's make this crystal clear. In order to even the playing field, because I'm Barbie with a brain, you must be one of two things to date me.
- You must be much better looking than me.
- You must be smarter than me.
I meet the guys I date by stumbling into shirtless models outside of Abercrombie and Finch, or by trolling Mensa meetings. I have never, and will probably never, pick up a cashier at the convenience store because he's holding my beer and cigarettes hostage. I'm better looking than you (even on a sweatpants day). I guarantee I'm smarter than you, because right off the top off my head I can think of 11 different alternatives to working at a convenience store.
So stop with the bullshit. We're not soul mates; we never even dated. I barely know you and I don't give a shit about you.
I know you think that you have all the power, because you stand behind the register, but you don't. There are at least 34 different convenience stores I could go to in a four block radius. I used to choose yours, because I used to enjoy it. Then they hired you, and they ruined it.
I'm not usually the kind of chick who makes complaints; I'm far too lazy to do that. But I'm seriously thinking about having your ass fired. Because when you think about it, who is management going to side with?
The totally replaceable dude they're paying $6.00 an hour to, who makes his customers wait while he makes imaginary calls on his cell phone?
Or are they going to side with me, the chick whose beer and cigarette purchases are putting their kids through college? Trust me bro, I push it, you'll be out of there faster than I can say namastē.
Save your novice college games for the girls who will actually play them and get me my beer and cigarettes without wasting my fucking time. I'm not at Gas Station to flirt. I am here to buy what I need to buy and move the fuck on. You want to play games, know that my game playing skills come in at the advanced level. Expect some slashed tires.
Namaste, bitch.
Essa Writes a Soap Opera – Or Was She Pushed?Posted: June 18, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, entertainment, humor, jokes, soap operas, television, writing 2 Comments
So I've been sucked into a soap opera. Yes, I know they are filled with clichés, plot holes and one dimensional characters, but I am a sucker for a good story and soap operas tend to deliver.
My current obsession is Hollyoaks. Also, if any of you motherfuckers reveal who killed Fraser Black in the comments, I will hunt you down and murder you.
Living in a soap opera world is much more difficult to navigate than living in reality. You have amnesia, who-dunnits, evil twins and people coming back to life several times over before they actually die.
Which is why I have decided to write my own soap opera, casting myself as the lead detective.
Chantilly Flats – An Essa Alroc Production
Detective Essa Alroc wakes in the early morning as her phone starts to ring. Muttering, she checks the display; Chantilly Flats Police Department.
Essa: <sits up in bed and her hair is absolutely perfect, despite the fact that she's been sleeping for 8 hours>. This is the last thing I need after finding out that my bi-sexual husband has been having an affair with my gardener Filipe, who also might be my secret love child that I gave up for adoption. <She answers the phone> Detective Alroc here.
Officer Eric Mendelson: Sorry to wake you up so early boss. But we got a murder on our hands. Jackson Bedford has gone missing and all clues point to him being dead.
Essa: <Rolls her eyes> Do you have an actual body?
Officer Eric Mendelson: Well, no but there is a lot of blood in his car, and we found it abandoned in the woods. Plus, he got into a fight with just about everyone in town last night, including me…and you…and his cat. All signs point to murder.
Essa: <deep heartfelt sigh> Listen, we both know how shit works in Chantilly Flats. I go out there, all gung-ho and arrest somebody, have them put on death row, then six months from now Jackson Bedford shows up claiming he has amnesia and doesn't remember who tried to kill him. Let's cut to the chase. I'll start this murder investigation when you drag Jackson Bedford's cold dead corpse onto my doorstep.
Officer Eric Mendelson: But I don't have time to find the body. My sister-in-law is about to give birth to my secret love child and I need to get to the hospital in time to switch babies and…
Essa: <hangs up the phone>
Four hours later, Essa's phone rings. It interrupts Filipe as he tries to climb in bed with her to have potentially incestuous relations in order to blackmail her later.
Essa: Filipe, get the fuck out of my bed! I might be your mother for Christ's sake. <answers the phone after seeing the call is coming from the Chantilly Flats Police Department.> You got me a body?
Officer Eric Mendelson: Yes boss. Right on your front stoop. It's definitely Jackson Bedford.
Essa: Hopefully, I can get this done in time to make it to my disciplinary hearing. You know, from when I let the Olgavie sisters off with a warning for murdering their uncle, who'd been sexually abusing them for years. Now gather every single person in town right to my front yard.
Officer Eric Mendelson: All of them? There's like 14 people in Chantilly Flats.
Essa: Just fucking do it. I'll be right down.
Essa arrives in the late afternoon, after having yet another fight with her bisexual husband, who is concerned because he might have testicular cancer. She stands at the podium in front of all 14 of the residents of Chantilly Flats.
Essa: Listen, I'm sick of these small town who-dunnits dragging on for months, so we're going to take care of this right now. Everyone who had a fight with Jackson Bedford on the night of his death, raise your hand. <Every single hand goes up, including the paw of Jackson Bedford's cat.> Great, now every single person who can't name their alibi because you were screwing your sister or brother-in-law at the time of the incident, go away.
Eight people walk away, including Officer Eric Mendelson and Jackson Bedford's cat.
Essa: Next, does anyone here have a drug problem which would prevent them from remembering the night in question? <Two hands go up> Good to know. Leave and check out your local AA chapter. It won't help, but it will provide some interesting drug addict story fodder next season.
The two drug addicts walk away and Essa is left with four suspects.
Essa: Alright people, let's hear some motives.
Karen Bedford: He was my husband and he was cheating on me with his secretary, who is also my secret half sister.
Lisa Nichols: I'm his secretary and he was blackmailing me into sleeping with him for years, because he knew that I killed my first husband and held my step kids captive in an attic. We have a secret love child together that he threatened to kill. It's also in the attic.
Marcus Salinger: I'm his right hand man in his drug empire and I was having an affair with his wife. I also might be his secret love child.
Lilly Anderson: I'm a 14 year old girl scout. When I went to Bedford's house, he refused to pay for the Thin Mints he ordered. Also, I have a brain tumor that causes brief periods of uncontrollable rage.
Essa considers all the information she's heard. Drawing on years of tela-nova and soap opera watching, she realizes who did it.
Essa: Lisa, Karen, you can both go. No woman ever kills a man when she should in Chantilly Flats. Marcus, you can go. You are too obvious a suspect. Also, I'm pretty sure you're my secret love child. Lilly, I know exactly what happened. You and Bedford wrestled over the Thin Mints. Bedford was a diabetic who had just gone into psychosis because he refused to take his insulin. He pulled a gun on you. You wrestled over the gun and in your panic, accidentally shot him.
Lilly: How did you know?
Essa: What can I say? I have too much time on my hands and I watch way too much TV.
Essa's statement is interrupted by the sudden, shocking appearance of Jackson Bedford.
Jackson Bedford: Wait, that isn't me <he points to the corpse on the ground>. It's my evil twin. I only showed up now because I had amnesia.
Essa: Oh, fuck this. I'm moving.
"But I'm Such a Nice Guy!!!"Posted: June 16, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: dating, humor, life, love, people, relationships, stupid people, writing 5 Comments
Every now and then I get a message from a dude from my past, who I was friends with, but never romantically interested in.
These messages all take on the same theme. First, they start out by asking how I'm doing. Then, they move on to dragging up the past. This dragging up the past usually includes a confession about some secret crush they harbored for years, but never had the ability to act on.
Then it turns accusatory. Along the lines of 'I always wanted to tell you how much I liked you, but I knew you only dated assholes and I never thought you'd go for me."
First, guys who do this, stop calling the dudes I used to date assholes. Yes, some of them were jerks, but many of them were perfectly nice guys with whom things just didn't work out. These things happen and I don't see the reason to pigeonhole them into the whole 'asshole' category. That category is reserved for actual assholes, like the guy who slapped me around or the asshole who's behind on his child support.
Stop claiming that 'girls only want assholes' because we don't go for your passive aggressive shtick. I'm so sorry that you spent years pretending to be my friend in some half-hearted attempt to get into my pants. Life must have been so incredibly rough for you…Seriously, those Boko Harem victims must have nothing on your pain.
You are not a nice guy. You're just telling yourself you are because you feel like a failure. I know, because I've been in the same position.
A long time ago, I was crazy about this guy Dave. We went on a few dates but it never amounted to anything serious. Simply stated, Dave didn't want children. I had one, so he shut any potential relationship we could have had down early on.
Initially, I was a bitch about it. I mean, I was perfect for him. Why couldn't he ignore his own standards in order to make it work between us? We laughed at the same things and watched the same movies. We argued allot. He was one of the few people that could argue with me in a way that would actually shut me up. Let me tell you people, that is a rare quality for me to find in a man.
But we never really escaped the 'friend zone'. Over time, I got mad at him. I was irritated with him because he didn't want me. I started ignoring his phone calls and being a cunt to him.
Then, I remembered my friend Mark.
Mark was one of those guys that I had a ton in common with. We read the same books, watched the same movies and laughed at the same jokes. Despite the fact that Mark was an incredibly attractive Cuban guy, I was never sexually attracted to him. He just wasn't my type. So when the inevitable came and Mark word vomited his feelings all over me, it made things weird. Mark got resentful because I didn't feel the same way.
He disappeared from my life, despite the fact that we had a fantastic friendship. He threw that away because he couldn't get into my pants, even though as he said , he was "such a nice guy".
Then it occurred to me that Mark wasn't really a nice guy.
He was a jerk who was only after me because he wanted to screw me. The fact that he wasn't my type for a romantic relationship was enough of a problem to throw away 2 years of a good friendship. That made me feel utterly useless, like the only reason he laughed at my jokes was because he was trying to sleep with me. Like the only reason we ever hung out was because he wanted me to be a notch on his bed post. I felt used and hurt.
I thought we were friends, but we were only friends until Mark realized I wasn't going to screw him, because my only apparent value to him was a sexual one.
Then I realized that I was doing the same thing to Dave. Dave was a good dude. We had fun together and he helped me through a lot of hard times. Was it really ok for me to cut him out of my life because he didn't want to be romantically involved with me?
No, it wasn't and I wasn't being a nice girl. So I let that shit go and I accepted our friendship for what it was. A really good friendship. That is rare and there was no way that I was letting him out of my life over my own petty feelings.
To this day, me and Dave are still good friends. We don't talk as much as we should; we both lead pretty busy lives, but he's a good dude. He is one of the first people I contact when I'm having problems and he has helped me through more than a few rough patches.
He started seriously dating someone else, and I never even got jealous. By that time, I realized what he'd known all along. We weren't really right for each other. He's a type A conservative who has never smoked pot, hates kids and has an affinity for greyhound dogs.
I'm a type B liberal who loves kids, is secretary treasurer of a cannabis reform group and finds greyhounds creepy (their necks are just so skinny).
Once I was able to let of that romantic obsession I was feeling, I found true platonic love with Dave. I was able to be happy for his new relationships and tell him anything. I talked him through his depression and he talked me through a bipolar summer.
I would have never had that kind of friendship if I'd just decided to cut him out of my life simply because he didn't want to fuck me.
Our relationship is good because we're not friends with conditions. We're not friends until one of us decides that 'friends' isn't enough. Our relationship is good because we accept each other.
Boys, if you're pissed because some chick that you've been passively aggressively seeing doesn't want to take things to the next level, know this. She's not the problem. You are.
You are the problem because apparently your entire relationship with that girl was based on manipulation. You weren't being nice to her because you cared about her. You were being nice to her to see what you could get from her.
That isn't nice and you are not 'such a nice guy'. You are a manipulator and that is the polar opposite of being nice.
If you want to be friends with a girl, then do it. But if you're only being friendly because you hope to get something out of her later, that's not friendly. In fact, you're kind of being a passive aggressive pussy.
Not everyone who you're attracted to will be attracted back. That's just a fact of life. But if you walk away from people because they don't want to sleep with you, don't want to date you, don't want to have a relationship with you, you are limiting your own horizons. You are choosing your friends based on what they can do for you and not how you feel about them.
And you are not 'such a nice guy."
Things That Confuse MePosted: June 9, 2014 Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: comedy, humor, jokes, news, stupid people, tracy morgan, writing 6 Comments
I've never claimed to be the smartest person in the world. Well… actually I have, on several occasions. But rest assured, I was entirely drunk when I did so.
My point is I am at best above average on the intelligence scale. But there are still several things in this world that confuse me. So I would like some clarification on the following.
Why the hell do my maxi pads have diagrams?
For men and really stupid women, a maxi pad is something that teenage girls and lazy writers with tilted pelvic bones use during their monthly menstrual cycle. What confuses me is that the inside of my maxi pad looks like this;
Is my menstrual flow supposed to be reading this diagram? Are my unfertilized eggs that smart that they know exactly where they are supposed to go? If so, should I feel guilty for the fact that I'm flushing them down the toilet? I mean, I won't eat pork because pigs are smarter than dogs and that bothers me. If my unused eggs are smart enough to follow the diagram on a maxi pad, should I be throwing them away at all? Or should I be enrolling them in an Ivy League school?
Also, why blue for the diagram? Trust this people, the second I start seeing blue stuff leaking out of me; I'm not worried about staying 'dry and fresh.' I'm more worried about the fact that apparently I'm miscarrying an alien's baby.
Why do people play the lottery?
I used to consider playing the lottery, then I elected to start lighting my money on fire and flushing it down the toilet instead becuase I realized the lottery is for idiots.
I'm not talking to you occasional hopefuls who buy a ticket on the way home from work. I'm talking to all you fucktards out there who choose scratch tickets like you're choosing your first born's name.
You know who you are. You show up at the gas station at rush hour and take 45 minutes trading in tickets to buy more tickets to a lottery that you will never win.
Listen fuckers, in the time that it takes you to pick out those tickets every day, you could have written a novel, created a cure for cancer or more realistically, GOTTEN A FUCKING JOB.
The house always wins. Whether you're playing at a craps table or scratching off little grey boxes, you will always lose. But the lottery commission depends on one thing to keep selling tickets.
They depend on you being a fucking moron. Stop playing right into their hands.
Where the hell did Tilapia come from?
Ten years ago, I had no idea that this fish existed.
Now, it's everywhere. At any restaurant I go to, tilapia is on the menu. When I was in the hospital, I even got served tilapia during the daily meal I ignored because I was too drugged up to eat. As I recall, it smelled like feet and tasted two items as bad.
The best way I could describe the flavor is 'cardboard flavored death.' But now it's popping up everywhere. It's like reality TV shows. One day I saw one, and the next day, the world was overrun. I'm pretty sure the government manufactured tilapia out of cardboard and old ashtrays in an attempt to make fun of hipsters.
It's working.
What does the 'power of prayer' really do?
This week, Tracy Morgan was seriously injured in a car accident. That isn't news. But what I saw in the comments is news, because apparently there are idiots who feel they can save Tracy Morgan through the power of prayer.
First of all, the fact that Tracy Morgan is a celebrity does not make him any more important than the people that were on the bus with him, who were also seriously injured (or killed).
Next, what the fuck are your prayers supposed to do?
Let's be honest. You don't know Tracy Morgan. If he dies tomorrow, you might open your Facebook page and be like "oh, so sad, I will pray for his family. :( :("
But you won't really pray and you won't be sad. You're just saying that. You don't know him, his family or what they're going through. You're just using him as an excuse to sound like a good person.
My bible knowledge tells me this. You can't pray for someone to live or die. It doesn't work like that. According to the Catholics, everything is predefined and whatever happens to one person will be god's will, and can't be changed. You can only pray for your own acceptance of that fate.
So why the fuck are you idiots wasting time praying? If you really want to honor Tracy Morgan, head to Vegas, get wasted and snort some coke off a hooker's ass.
Above all, stop bringing god into this mess. It isn't your place to pray for Tracy Morgan, no matter how much you liked him as Brian Fellows. It's his family's place so back the fuck off and let them grieve in peace. Stop stealing their grief so you can get attention.
That's all I had to say. Now if you'll all excuse me, I need to go buy some lottery tickets so I can buy candles for Tracy Morgan at midnight mass, because he is the most important person in the world to me. My menstrual eggs are also coming. They followed the maxi pad diagram right out of my pants and used a very complicated algorithm to buy their own winning lottery tickets.
Good times.


text:
Hafele Wire Baskets for Kitchen Door Pantry (Sold in Sets of 4)
Sold in Sets of 4
To be used only with Tandem Kitchen Chef's Pantry & Kitchen Door Pantry
$207.99 - $208
No Sales Tax, Except CT
Product Reviews
These Wire Baskets from Hafele go with their Tandem Kitchen Chef's Pantry or Kitchen Door Pantry. The baskets are made of steel and are available in Champagne or Chrome finish. The baskets come in sets of four. Ships via UPS/FedEx Ground.
(11-1/8" or 14-1/8" or 17-1/8") W x 6-3/4" D x 3-1/2" H
Ship Method:
546.64.881, 546.64.882, 546.64.883, 546.64.283


text:
Letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
I was really excited to meet you a few weeks ago although I didn't really know what to think about your beard. But that's ok, people stare at my red hair too and I don't mind. I've been a really really good boy this year in spite of that silly legend of "ginger babies".
If u make it by my house this year, there are a few things that I really want. I love books, bubbles, balls, trucks, tractors, and Clifford the Big Red Dog. I also love anything to play with outdoors. I get that from my daddy. My mommy likes for me to have cute clothes, so that would make her happy. Oh, and please don't forget my BFF, Macy. She always loves a good meaty bone. Milk and cookies will be waiting on you. I hope you have safe travels on Christmas Eve.
I love you, Santa!! Ah Gah!
Havens Thomas Bailey
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