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Craig Leuthold
Commissioners Consider Adding 'Embezzlers Pot' to County Budget
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - After the latest in a long series of former county officials and employees pleaded guilty to embezzlement Monday, county commissioners in a budget meeting today pondered creating an "embezzlers' pot" in the county budget for embezzlers to steal directly from to better track how much is embezzled and where it goes.
William J. Pollock, 50, former assistant executive director of the Knox County Housing Authority, pleaded guilty to embezzling more than $37,000 from the county, However, on Tuesday, an audit revealed that he actually racked up nearly $64,000 in unauthorized expenses before the thefts were uncovered in 2008.
"I find that odd," said Commissioner Brad Anders. "Can't we even figure out how much he took?"
"Well, that's the problem with embezzlers," observed Commissioner Mike Hammond. "They can't be relied on to keep careful records. We need a better class of embezzlers in Knox County - and we need to impose a tax on them to help fund the $1.7 million shortfall in the school budget."
"We need a better class of embezzlers?" asked Commissioner Mark Harmon. "Don't you think what we need is fewer or no embezzlers?"
"No, embezzlement is something people in Knox County government seem to do well, and we should accentuate the things we do well," replied Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D. "We can and should do everything that's possible to save these embezzler positions ... and try to bring them under some level of control, so they can give back to the system that supports them and thereby get our children a good education."
"Maybe instead of us imposing a tax on them, the embezzlers would agree to a voluntary five percent reduction in their take of their defalcation proceeds," suggested Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith.
"But how would we know whether what they were giving was five percent?" protested Commissioner Sam McKenzie. "This latest case only goes to show that you can't trust an embezzler to do the right thing."
"Since they are going to be embezzling funds anyway, wouldn't it make sense to establish a central fund - an embezzlers' pot - for them to steal from, so that we can have a clearer idea of how much we need to budget for embezzlement purposes?" said Commissioner Mike Brown. "That way, everybody could take a second, third and fourth look at it - you know, really scrutinize who was embezzling what and how much to make sure the schools were getting their fair share."
"Hey, I've got a radical idea," said Commissioner Amy Broyles. "To preserve teaching positions from cuts, why don't we recommend that teachers take a second job with the county as embezzlers? There seems to be a lucrative future in embezzling here, and that way, every job saved by the embezzlers' five percent cut would be their own."
"If we adopt this program, do you suppose we could bring Bill Lockett back to supervise it?" asked Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert. "He had some experience in this sort of thing, and he's probably not going to be away long, if at all, like that other fellow probably will be."
"Yes, but his experience wasn't county-related - it was sort of freelance," noted Commissioner Craig Leuthold.
"Oh, good point," agreed Lambert. "Well, since it seems to be kind of a double standard that the other fellow might be going away longer, could we maybe ask the judge for leniency at sentencing and put him in charge of it? Obviously, he had several years' experience at it."
"Hey, I have a really radical idea," said Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "How 'bout we try to dissuade embezzlers from embezzling and prosecute them when we catch them?"
"Yeah, sure, like that would work," said Commissioner Finbarr Saunders. "Like the poor, the embezzlers will always be with us, so we'd better find a way to profit from them."
Commission may make a final determination on the embezzler's pot on Monday.
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Knox Budget Refuses Inspection by County Commissioners
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Charging a "hostile work environment," Knox County's budget for fiscal year 2011 declined to be examined by commissioners and has left its post with county government.
The financial instrument was reacting to some commissioners' comments that it needs to work on its appearance.
"It has a lot of little incidentals that could go," said Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "If a budget's got a lot of little doodads and doohickeys on its extremities, and it can't explain what they are there for, plainly and simply, then it needs to submit to inspection. This here budget's got a food and a travel allowance hanging around its neck. It's got 27 $100,000 appointments dangling here and there. And there's a whole lot of fat it could trim."
Asked if that fat included take-home vehicles for sheriff's department employees, Pinkston countered, "Of course not. The sheriff's office has no fat. Those take-home vehicles are lean, mean, fighting machines."
Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith said he thought the budget was "top heavy."
"It might try working out more, showing some restraint during meals or possibly trying more form-flattering ensembles," said Smith. "I don't think surgery is out of the question, either, but it'll take a fiscal exam to determine that."
However, Commissioner Craig Leuthold said that he thought the budget looked fairly lean, and Commission Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland added that he thought the budget looked leanly fair.
"Maybe it could use some more workouts - but who couldn't?" said Leuthold. "I'd call it fairly lean."
"I'm always concerned when you meet a budget that right away asks you to dip into your savings account," Strickland said. "Still, it's a rainy day, and that budget is an umbrella, a leanly fair umbrella, because it's got coverage, but only just so, in all the right spots...OK, that didn't really make any sense. I was just trying to go with a theme, OK?"
The 2011 budget stormed out of the City County Building after listening to the commissioners speaking about it, saying its work was not appreciated and commissioners were looking only at its superficial qualities while magnifying its flaws.
"Hey, I'm only human - I don't claim to be perfect, but I'm being pressured to do more with less and not getting the kind of revenue support I need to do my job adequately," complained the budget. "Couldn't I at least get some new taxes to help with my foundation?"
Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale replied that new taxes were out of the question.
"Families in Knox County are living within their budgets," he said. "Our budget needs to live within itself too."
"But I've already lost $600,000," protested the budget. "I've cut my reserves, frozen spending, and tried to keep myself lean, and then these commissioners glance at something superficial like my incidentals and make these comments about how I'm top heavy and how I need to trim some fat. And they're talking about subjecting me to inspection? What do they think I am, an object?"
When it was pointed out to the budget that it was, in fact, the administration's annual plan for the coordination of resources and expenditures, the financial document said, "That's demeaning and insensitive, and this is a hostile work environment for a budget under the strain that I am, and I'm not taking it any more," and stomped out.
Ragsdale noted that he had worked with 16 budgets during his time in county government, and the latest one had had a difficult time.
"The current budget has faced tremendous challenges and is under tremendous pressure and thus is perhaps more sensitive to those kinds of comments," said Ragsdale. "2011 faces considerable financial constraint and can't fill out its wardrobe the way someone with my sartorial expertise can. Don't worry, I'll spiff up this budget and get it presentable."
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Hutchison: I Was the General on Gray Tuesday, Not Black Wednesday
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Former Knox County sheriff and current county mayor candidate Tim Hutchison yesterday disputed Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert's claim that Hutchison was "the general" in the notorious "Black Wednesday" county commission role-playing session of Jan. 31, 2007.
"I was the general on Gray Tuesday, not Black Wednesday," explained Hutchison. "Gray Tuesdays are when a group of us do Civil War war-gaming. As I recall, on January 30, I was being General Stonewall Jackson for the Confederates - the 'Gray' in 'Gray Tuesdays.' My forces were naturally victorious. Lumpy must have confused the dates and the games."
Hutchison went on to say that he did sometimes participate in role-playing with Lambert, former Commission Chair Scott "Scoobie" Moore, former Commissioner Lee Tramel, Commissioner Paul Pinkston, Commissioner Craig Leuthold and others on Wednesdays, but not on Wednesday, January 31, 2007.
"I have no memory of gaming on that Black Wednesday," said Hutchison. "Black Wednesdays are when our group role-plays a super-secret Black Ops team that's been authorized to display terminal force in the most high-risk, world-in-peril assignments you can imagine, truly James Bond- or Charlie's Angels-type assignments. I don't often participate in those games, but when I do, I am usually a noncom, like a lance corporal, because I want to be very hands-on in those situations."
Lambert, however, adamantly maintains that Hutchison was the leader on that particular Black Wednesday.
"Tim Hutchison was the general who led us that day," Lambert said. "I was a good soldier, a Bosley- or Miss Moneypenny-type character. Tim was like our M or our Charlie. It was truly a Mission: Impossible-style scenario: high stakes, low chance of survival. And General Hutchison got the team through it alive. Mind you, I don't know the name of his actual character, because in those kinds of missions, the less you know, the better. You can't reveal information you don't have if you're captured, you know? But I know it was his unseen hand guiding our actions."
Lambert has always admitted his role in the back-room politicking over the character selections for the group's gaming. He said it amounted to "doing what I was told by the people who did the strategizing, just like in the real-life discussions that we had on Gray Tuesday of who'd vote for whom to replace commissioners removed by the state Supreme Court's decision on term limits."
Hutchison vociferously denied Lambert's allegations.
"That's a bold-faced lie," Hutchison said. "I mean it. It's such a bald-faced lie, you can put in bold face on the headline: 'Lumpy, the Bald-Face Liar.' I did not have role-playing relations with that group on that Black Wednesday."
Lambert said he heard Hutchison was downplaying his role in the Black Wednesday role-playing and decided to step forward because he thought it was wrong for Hutchison to mislead voters on the amount of role-playing he was involved in.
"I think Tim Hutchison is a gamer like me and made the right decisions on that fateful day in that fateful game, and he needs to defend his role-playing," Lambert said. "There's nothing to be ashamed about in admitting you're the general in charge of a super-secret Black Ops team that saved the target and thwarted the villains in much the same manner as the A-Team. If he's had a change of heart and now thinks role-playing is wrong, he needs to apologize to gamers everywhere."
Hutchison has said that he left the gaming get-together as soon as Jimmy "J.J." Jones was selected for a character based on the A-Team's Templeton 'Faceman' Peck, but Lambert maintains that's not accurate.
"He might have went down and gotten his rulebook, gotten his dungeonmaster's hat, gotten his lucky dice or something," Lambert said. "But as things got hotter throughout the day, he was putting us through our paces to get us through the mission as aggressively as County Mayor Mike Ragsdale was gaming for his minions."
Lambert doesn't believe Hutchison did anything wrong - he just wants him to be honest about his gaming, "because if more people would come forth about their role-playing, the stigma attached to it would be lessened."
Lambert also said he considers both candidates in the mayoral race to be fellow gamers.
Hutchison countered that Lambert has made it no secret that he's joined state Sen. Tim Burchett's "Green Beret Friday" group.
Hutchison challenged Lambert to produce some proof that he took part in the Black Wednesday proceedings and said he was "disappointed in Lumpy's level of play."
"Can he show you my character sheet?" said Hutchison. "Can he show you the module we played? Can he show you the maps we created of our opponent's James-Bond-villain style underground headquarters? Can he tell you how we defeated the infrared detectors and the lasers and got past the deadfall trap, the sonic weapon that can melt your brain into jelly and the poison dung beetles? Can he tell you how many experience points I awarded for the adventure? ... Because it would have been a bu- ...a truckload."
He said that if any proof existed, it would surely have been unearthed during the ensuing search for buried treasure the group pursued on Bloody Red Pirate Tharrrrrrsday.
"I'm sort of surprised at Lumpy stooping to lie to try make me seem more involved in Black Wednesday role-playing than I was," Hutchison said. "It's certainly a credit to my Confederate Gray Tuesdays that he is involved in my opponent's Green Beret Fridays."
Burchett said at his Green Beret Friday session that he was "low on hit points" after learning of Lambert's allegations.
"Wow," he said. "Dude, like, really, I have no comment other than that I'm just trying to run my Green Beret Fridays campaign and trying to move Knox County role-players away from the old way of gaming. I think Knox gamers are tired of it. I think they've had it with this kind of old-school gaming - I think maybe they're ready for something more sci-fi, like a Star Trek role-playing adventure."
While county commissioners who played along with Lambert in early 2007 said Friday they couldn't corroborate Lambert's account, they also weren't in a position to contradict it.
Paul Pinkston said that no one asked his opinion of tactics in the Black Wednesday game, and he "never saw Hutchison there. Of course, the leader is often elsewhere, communicating with the team via com-link or intermediaries - to simulate real-world conditions - so I might not see him or know he was directing me."
Asked if he could explain the rules of the game, "I don't know a thing in the world about it," Pinkston said.
Craig Leuthold said that Hutchison never contacted him to choose "any particular role," but he couldn't say if Hutchison returned to the meeting after Jones was chosen as the Faceman-type character.
"I don't recall seeing Sheriff Hutchison in the room, but if someone says he was there, I couldn't argue with them," Leuthold said. "In fact, if someone said Tim Hutchison assigned me my role in the game that day, I couldn't argue with it. I couldn't confirm it either. Black Ops team members are sworn to secrecy about their missions."
Hutchison also produced copies from a deposition that Lambert gave in the Open Meetings Act lawsuit in which Lambert said, "Honestly, the sheriff has never lobbied me for anything."
Lambert, however, argued Friday that his testimony had nothing to do with whether Hutchison was gaming that day. He said that Hutchison didn't need to lobby him about the selection of commission replacements because Lambert already knew how Hutchison wanted him to vote, "and that's not proof that Hutchison wasn't our general, guiding our actions, in the Black Wednesday game. Absence of proof is not proof of absence."
Lambert added that Hutchison didn't need to speak in the game - that he already knew what his orders were.
"He never talked to me in the game," Lambert said. "He never needed to. I knew what he wanted. I was his compliant tool, his cat's paw, his chess piece - as the great philosopher Mongo would say, 'Lumpy just a pawn in sheriff's great game of life."
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Scott Moore's Smirkless Sandwich Stratagem Submarines Ouster Effort
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Former Knox County Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore temporarily stalled an effort to have him removed from the Board of Licensed Transactions by appearing before commission sans his trademark smirk, passing out sandwich menus and offering to run out and pick up whatever commissioners decided on.
Commission did not act on Moore's offer or the ouster, and it was unclear when or even if lunch would be served. In a 9-4 decision, county commissioners voted to grant Moore a continuance until his smirk reasserts itself or the state Supreme Court decides if it will take up his appeal while pondering dinner options.
However, before Moore could even begin to confuse, daunt or entice commission, five commissioners seized the moment and excused themselves from the table before the hearing began, citing conflicts of interest.
"I have a conflict of interest in sitting in judgment here," explained Commissioner Michelle Carringer. "Crossing Scoobie conflicts with my interest in getting re-elected."
Commissioner Paul Pinkston said he was similarly conflicted, while Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith demurred that he'd left his spine in his other suit. Term-limited Commissioner Ivan Harmon said he wasn't so much conflicted as uninterested and simply declined to participate. Commissioner Greg Lambert, who is not term-limited but is not running for re-election, said he was conflicted because he "no longer had the courage of his connections."
Moore was ousted from County Commission after a chancellor found he'd committed excessive smirking during the panel's 2007 Open Meetings Act civil trial.
Moore solemnly, and without the least hint of a smirk, grin, leer, sneer or even a tiny, simpering pout, told commissioners Tuesday that he had filed an expedited appeal with the state Supreme Court over his earlier ouster for smirkery and listed several other reasons why he believed his new smirkless demeanor should postpone the hearing.
He raised questions about the fairness of the hearing's format, saying that every single person sitting on the panel had smirked at some point, and "Let he who is without smirk cast the first vote."
Moore also said the suddenness of the proceedings had left him with insufficient time to prepare, which "drove me to my wits' end," and subsequently he had none to bring with him to the hearing.
Scott "Scoobie" Moore is surprisingly smirkless as he ponders how he'd have fared had he brought his wits. Photo: Michael Patrick. Photoshop: D. McNutt
He went on to explain that, in lieu of using the wits he didn't bring, he'd issued sheets of paper, colorfully decorated with pictures of different sandwiches, which he called "sub-paninis," to nine commissioners, a move which he believed should persuade them from either testifying or sitting in judgment of his case and instead ordering lunch.
"I'll even run out to get whatever you like after you look over the offerings," testified Moore.
"Sub-paninis? I love 'em!" exclaimed Commissioner Pinkston. "I'll take the combo - I'll have the mayor's head on a platter and the prosciutto and Swiss with onions and a side of pickled eggs."
Newly appointed Interim Law Director Joe Jarret pointed out, however, that Moore's "sub-panini" ploy was neither legal nor edible - which almost seemed to cause a pout to play briefly upon Moore's face. Jarret agreed that commissioners probably couldn't both testify and order lunch at the same time, saying it would at least be a challenge for them, but he said they could decide individually which option they preferred.
Commissioner Mark Harmon, who had led the fight to oust Moore from the board, argued strenuously that commission had every capability to both order lunch and remove Moore in the wake of the judge's ruling that he had committed smirkery.
"If we have the intelligence to get ourselves elected to this board, surely we can simultaneously conduct this hearing and order lunch?" he cried exasperatedly.
Commissioner Craig Leuthold and Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., however, moved successfully to continue the hearing, citing concerns over the possibility of missing lunch.
"This unusual early meeting time caused me to miss my breakfast," explained Leuthold. "And when I miss my breakfast, I can't walk and chew gum at the same time, much less contemplate lunch and adjudicate a proceeding."
"Yes, I think we can affirm that, without lunch, we're all out to lunch," affirmed Briggs.
"I think this commission is a few fries short of a value meal," muttered Commissioner Sam McKenzie.
It was unclear when or if the matter will be brought up again - or who ordered the tuna on wheat. Jarret said the Supreme Court justices would probably decide if they wanted pizza or Chinese delivered while determining whether to hear Moore's expedited appeal within 90 days. But he stressed that he couldn't guarantee the timing.
"They're fully capable of choosing items from a delivery menu while determining a course of action on a case - after all, they're Supreme Court justices," he explained. "But even Supreme Court justices have no control over when the pizza delivery guy arrives."
Mark Harmon, Amy Broyles, Sam McKenzie and Dave Wright voted against the continuance, arguing that the hungry commissioners should have known enough to bring snacks like power bars or something, while Brad Anders chose to pass, saying he was on a diet.
Because Moore's term with the BLT expires in August, Jarret said any orders that commission placed through Moore after that time would be moot - not to mention moldy.
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County Mulls Shrinking Employees to Fit Smaller Budget
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a meeting today between officials of Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's administration and Knox County Commissioners, Chief Financial Officer John Troyer recommended shrinking all employees by 10 percent to fit next year's smaller projected budget. Reactions to the proposal were generally positive, as long as the shrinkage was shared across the board.
"We project a tight budget, and one way to make it work would be to shrink workers by 10 percent," said Troyer. "Shrinking them would reduce their mass and make them less dense, which would mean less wear and tear on the infrastructure, less consumption of resources, fitting of more bodies per cubicle and other cost-saving measures."
"Anything less dense associated with county government would be an improvement," muttered an observer from the crowd.
"How would you go about this?" asked County Commissioner Mike Brown.
"Well, we thought we'd find a mad scientist with a shrink ray, obviously," replied Troyer. "I mean, honestly, how difficult can it be to find the means to shrink your employees?"
"Oh right, of course," murmured the commissioners.
Commissioner Paul Pinkston issued a challenge to Mayor Ragsdale, his staff and his fellow commissioners. He said he'll propose shrinking all elected officials by 25 percent and all the 27 appointed employees over 6 feet tall by 15 percent.
"I think the leaders need to step up and lead the shrinkage," Pinkston said to Troyer. "If all department staff need to shrink, then the mayor's staff needs to absorb the brunt of the shrinkage. Are you all prepared to shrink?"
"We are," asserted Troyer. "Let's get small."
"Groovy! Didn't Steve Martin have guidance around just such an initiative in the '70s?" mused Commissioner Mark Harmon.
"I thought it was Seinfeld," said Pinkston.
"No, that was the '90s and the catch-phrase would have been 'Get out!'" corrected Harmon.
"Anyway, I challenge the rest of y'all to come up with other ways to shrink staff," said Pinkston to the assemblage.
Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith said he'd go one step further than Pinkston by shrinking commissioners into nothingness altogether.
"Between being and nothingness, I believe we'd offer more savings as nothingness," said Smith. He also said he wishes more rank-and-file employees would take advantage of a program in place that allows them to retain for themselves 10 percent of any size reductions realized from their ideas.
"They're the ones who know best how to cut the knees out from somebody, and we'll pay them for the ideas," he said. "They're in the trenches - they have the worm's eye view."
"Hey, what about making employees really tiny, like in that old 60s TV series, Land of the Giants, an Irwin Allen Production?" suggested Ragsdale advisor Mike Arms. "Then they'd be small enough that we could just store them all in one little place, transport them about as we pleased, and hardly trouble with them at all."
"Isn't that what we do now, anyway?" asked Ragsdale.
"We have to keep them big enough that they can still perform all required tasks - even if they have to stretch a little to do it - but make them small enough that we realize a cost savings because they aren't consuming resources like they used to," observed Troyer.
"Well, instead of shrinking employees, maybe we could shrink facilities and services - like the libraries?" proposed Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert.
"You mean we still have libraries?" exclaimed Commissioner Ivan Harmon.
"Yes, and if we ensmalled them, instead of people having to go to one central location, we could just send whatever they wanted to them," said Lambert.
"What? You can't 'ensmall' something," said Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, MD.
"If you can enlarge something, why can't I ensmall something?" demanded Lambert.
"Because 'ensmall' is not a word - You can't just make up a word and have it mean whatever you want it to," explained Briggs.
"When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less," retorted Lambert. "That's why I make them up in the fist place."
"What about allowing the size-challenged to choose to have only certain body parts shrunk, so they won't be self-conscious," said Commissioner Amy Broyles.
"Like shrunken heads?" quipped Commissioner Michele Carringer.
"Oh, why offer them special consideration?" cracked Commissioner Craig Leuthold. "Short people got no-"
"Can we just shrink to nothingness the cheap cultural allusions?" admonished Commission Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland. "Sheesh. Talk about small-mindedness."
"All right, what about a hiring freeze except on the pre-shrunken or shrinking violets," offered Commissioner Brad Anders. "Because, alternately, all I can see as a solution is some kind of tax."
"Yes, how about a surtax on size-advantaged Knox Countians?" suggested Commissioner Mike Hammond.
"Oh, you and your taxes, always on about the taxes, tax this, tax that, increase that tax, increase this tax," carped Ragsdale. "I made it through seven budgets without a tax increase, and I'll make it through the final without one."
"Then I think you better get shrink rapped," said Hammond.
"You mean...I should be wound in form-fitting plastic?" asked Ragsdale, baffled.
"No, I mean you better go talk to one," answered Hammond, "because I think the public will find your proposed shrinkage unpalatable."
"OK, that's it, I warned you about the allusions; this meeting's adjourned," concluded Strickland.
"Hey, that wasn't a cultural allusion, that was a pun," protested Hammond.
"The meeting's still adjourned, because I shrink from either usage," called Strickland over a receding shoulder.
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Commission to Curse Knox Countians With Total Recall?
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Commission is poised on the brink of giving citizens of Knox County the ability to remember every single act of every single elected official in the county - but the move comes after some commissioners argued that, "in Knox County, selective elective memory is a necessary survival mechanism."
The debate came about after groups of citizens tried to remove a school board member and the county law director from office, forgetting or regretting who elected them to office in the first place. In a move widely seen as punitive, some citizens have demanded that county officials grant Knox Countians total recall of all activity by all local politicians. Some commissioners expressed fear for what the move would mean for political careers, while others expressed concern for the undue toll such a measure might take on voters. The ensuing debate was lively.
"Do you know what total recall of all our actions and every word we've ever spoken would do to our ability to govern?" asked Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert. "It would invite chaos, it would destabilize Knox County the way that eartquake destabilized Haiti. I mean, the next time I run for elective office, imagine if somebody actually remembered that I compared the effect of a ballot measure in Knox County with the effect of a killer earthquake in Haiti. If people actually remembered what I say, I'd never be elected again."
"You say that like it's a bad thing," yelled a wag from the audience.
"The point is," continued Lambert, "this initiative might make commissioners ineffective to govern."
"And this would be different from now how?" observed Commissioner Mark Harmon.
Commissioner Paul Pinkston predicted that the measure would be used to punish officials who carefully and thoughtfully vote on difficult issues solely with the good of their constituents in mind.
"This'll make it impossible for commissioners to vote when they're conscious without fear of being totally recalled," said Pinkston. "You mark my words, it'll be used against someone if they actually appear to know what they're voting for. So instead, you'll have a lot of people voting mindlessly for the path of least resistance."
"And this would be different from now how?" observed Harmon.
Commissioner Amy Broyles said she heard a great deal of discussion about what the proposed change might mean for politicians, but "I have yet to hear anybody voice any concern about the voters," Broyles said. "Making every citizen remember every act of every politician they've ever voted for is cruel and unusual."
Mike Edwards, CEO of the Development Corporation of Knox County, who was appearing before commission to inveigle for the 2,117th time for developing an amusement park on Midway Road in East Knox County, warned of the dangers of total recall.
"Just look at how we at the Development Corp. get the Metropolitan Planning Commission to keep reviving the Midway on the Midway Amusement Park, like some bad road show version of 'Annie'" said Edwards, and then he sang, "Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I'll mug ya tomorrow, you're always a lawsuit away!'"
He then resumed his narrative: "Sorry about that, sometimes this job's so good to me, I'm moved to song. Anyway, if voters could recall how many times this evil supervillain of a project has been killed off and brought back, they might start calling us the Development Corpse, 'cause we're like some undead zombie that even a shot to the head won't stop-"
"'Cause there's no brain there to kill!" yelled another commenter.
Edwards ignored the interruption "-Or we're like a vampire who can't be killed with a stake to the heart-"
"'Cause you're heartless!" came the call again.
Continued Edwards: "-Or we're like Freddy Kruger or Michael Myers - the scary one, not the one from Halloween. Can you imagine if he comes back again and brings Dana Carvey with him for Wayne's World: The 50th Birthday Movie? Brr. Or we're like-"
"All right, all right, you don't have to beat the horse to death," said Commissioner Dave Wright.
"That's my point," said Edwards. "We're the horse beaten to death that won't die. We might be a walking, trotting and cantering glue factory, but we keep coming back, and we won't ever stop. Eventually, we'll get our way. But if voters start remembering that this particular horse has been beaten deader than Dana Carvey's career seven times over, then you may have to start calling us Elmer."
"Far be it from me to suggest something that protects MPC or the knox County Development Corpse - by the way, great name, Mike, congrats on developing it - but I agree it's too much to expect of citizens to make them responsible for remembering the actions of those they voted for. Selective amnesia regarding the elective process is a necessary Survival mechanism in Knox County. Imagine if voters had a highlight reel of Mayor Mike ragsdale's greatest hits endlessly unwinding in their brains. 'Hush, Hush, Sweet Slush Fund,' 'Showboat!,' 'Roll Over, Rock Lobster,' and the infamous 'When I Think about You, I Clear Myself,' playing over and and over and over and over and over-"
"Thath's what I'm on about," interjected Broyles. "It's too much to subject citizens to. Just think, what if citizens were given total recall, and then somebody made them watch Every. Minute. Of. Every. Meeting. We. Ever. Held. And they remembered it for the rest of their lives. Nobody would ever vote in this county again."
There was silence as commissioners absorbed this startling new concept. Then
"Whoa..." they said in unison.
"Wow," observed Commissioner Craig Leuthold.
"Wowzer," replied Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D.
"Double wowzer," pondered Commissioner Sam McKenzie.
"Bowzer wowzer onna howitzer!" explained Commissioner Tony Norman.
"So if we make citizens have total recall..." sussed out Commissioner Ivan Harmon.
"...And find the means to force them to actually pay attention to who and what they vote for..." puzzled out Commissioner Bud Armstrong.
"...And what the consequences of those votes are..." pieced together Commissioner Brad Anders.
"...Then no one would ever vote in Knox County again," concluded Commissioner Ed Shouse.
"So..." summarized Commissioner Mike Brown.
"...We just appointed ourselves commissioners for life, baby!" proposed Commissioners Michele Carringer and "Our" Larry Smith, simultaneously.
"All in favor say I!" admonished Commission Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Me-Me-Me! I- I mean, the eyes, I mean, we have it! Yee-haw! Meeting adjourned."
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Knox County New Year's Irresolution
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a surprise outcome for a special called session, Knox County Commission today postponed action on any New Year's resolutions until such time as it becomes clear which resolutions would be most likely to be kept. Commission made the move at the behest of Mayor Ragsdale's office. The result was a far cry from commission's original purpose for the meeting, which was called precisely so commissioners could arrive at a single resolution all could agree to. The debate on the issue actually began with a proposed resolution aimed at the mayor's office.
"We could resolve not to put up with anymore of Mayor Ragsdale's guff and double-talk," suggested Commissioner Paul Pinkston at the beginning of the proceedings.
"No, we do that every year anyway, and we never keep it," replied Commissioner Sam McKenzie.
"Couldn't we at least resolve to do something to annoy 'im?" pleaded Pinkston.
"Say, maybe instead of making a new resolution, we could just identify an old one we kept, reissue that and be done with it," proposed Commissioner Michele Carringer.
"I like it, but since we can't do it in secret, somebody'd report it, and then the people would be mad at us again," sighed Commissioner Ivan Harmon.
"I move that we resolve to forcefully deal with unimpeded storm water runoff from uninspected development and construction," said Commissioner Tony Norman.
"But if they're not inspected, how can we deal forcefully with them?" asked Commissioner Bud Armstrong. "We'd be resolving to sit here and talk about it, which as far as I can see is what we do already."
"Well, we should talk about it more forcefully then," cried Norman. "We must do something!"
"Hey, maybe we could do resolutions the way the mayor's done his budgets," suggested Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith.
"What do you mean?" asked Commissioner Amy Broyles.
"I mean, instead of 2010, we could make resolutions for 2020, leaving them to be dealt with when none of us are in office," answered Smith.
"Perhaps we should resolve to be more resolved in 2010," mused Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D. "We could resolve to have indomitable resolve in the face of irresolvable difficulties."
"Isn't that sort of an oxymoron?" asked Commissioner Mike Brown.
"Hey, I resemble that remark," quipped Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, to general laughter.
"It's more of a paradox," said Briggs.
"Oh? More of you and who else?" cracked Commissioner Dave Wright, to more laughter.
As the laughter subsided, Commissioner Mark Harmon said, "Seriously now, perhaps we could examine individual resolutions instead of a commission-encompassing one. For instance, I am pondering resolving to be less polysyllabic."
"You're resolving to be, 'less Polly see lavic? What? Who's Polly and does she see lavics the way that kid saw dead people in that movie?" asked Lambert.
"No, no. You know: polysyllabic, sesquipedalian..." replied Harmon.
"Polly sell a Bic, says cup-buddy Leon?" mimicked Lambert. "Who are these people and what have they done with your resolution?"
"No, no, no! You know, sesquipedalianism, uh, as in practicing Brobdingnagian grandiloquence," explained Harmon.
"Cup-buddy Leon says you're practicing what? Aren't you a practicing Unitarian?" asked Lambert.
"No, no, no, no, I mean I practice orotund exposition, perhaps even with flourishes of Houyhnhnm-like discourse."
"That's what Unitarians practice, is it?"
"Using big words, it means using big words!"
"Unitarians do?"
"Sesquipedalians do!"
"I don't care what your cup-buddy Leon says he does."
"What? Who?"
"Why ask me? You know the guy..."
"It's not a New Year's resolution, but I resolve that we disallow and discontinue this exchange," said Commissioner Ed Shouse.
"Seconded, all in favor say 'Aye!' the 'Ayes!' have it, both of you: be quiet," said Commission Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland.
"OK, but you're gonna miss my individual resolution to disrupt fewer meetings, to be less insulting to fellow commissioners, to intimidate fewer citizens, and to be less grandstanding," replied Lambert.
"By responding when you were told to be quiet, you've already broken your first resolution," commented Briggs.
"Who do you think you are you to tell me what I've broken?" argued Lambert. "Do you think Robert's Rules of Order got renamed Richard's Rules of Order or something?"
"That's the second," said Briggs.
"Oh, a wise guy, eh? Why, I oughtta..." spat Lambert.
"Moving toward number three..." noted Briggs.
"Ohhhh, that's how it's going to be, is it?" said Lambert. "Then I'll just sit right here and refuse to agree to anything else that's said or done by this body. Just see how far you get then!"
"And number four," concluded Briggs. "All broken in just under 18 seconds. Congratulations, Commissioner Lambert, I believe that's a new personal record for you, isn't it?"
As the panel applauded him, blushing, Lambert said, "Aw, thanks, you all. It wasn't nothing. And I couldn't have done it without your help."
"That's for sure; bunch of enablers," muttered Commissioner Finbarr Saunders.
"What'd you say?" asked Commissioner Brad Anders.
"Oh, ah, er, I said, 'Brunch o' Ken Stablers,' it's, uh, uh, family tradition, um, lot of us old Stabler fans dress up like, you know, 'the Snake' for New Year's brunch, and, uh, watch the bowl games..." Saunders sputtered.
"A 'Bama QB? That's sacrilegious!" cried the group.
At that point, John Troyer, Mayor Ragsdale's Chief Financial Officer, approached the podium and said, "Because of the current political atmosphere...new mayor soon...variable rates stabilized...lateness of the hour, shortness of the days...bond rating...commission size reduction...no one over 5-10...market-afforded opportunity...tuna fish, not lobster...federal buyout dollars...moving forward...people's trust...looking back...cleared...tax collections...tax base...tax benefit...tax back...wouldn't be prudent...pertinent, either...the mayor's office feels everyone would be best served by indefinitely postponing any resolutions until a clearer picture emerges of the state of things in the lay of the land ahead and it's known which resolution would work best in what situation."
"Excellently stated, flawlessly logical, I make a motion that we put Mr. Troyer's recommendation to an immediate vote," said Commissioner Mike Hammond.
"What are you talking about, 'flawlessly logical'? He just spouted some random phrases!" challenged Pinkston.
"Can you dispute his logic?" argued Hammond.
"Well, no, not as such, because there isn't any-" began Pinkston.
"Fine, OK, good, then I second that motion," cut in Commissioner Craig Leuthold.
"So noted, all in favor say 'Aye!' the 'Ayes!' have it, we are resolved that we will postpone resolutions until such time as it becomes clear what resolutions ought to be made, and I now proclaim this meeting resolved," announced Strickland.
"We're resolved to be unresolved?" asked Pinkston.
"Yes," affirmed Strickland. "We stand firmly irresolute."
"Because the mayor's finance man walked in and said some things that nobody could really follow?"
"That's about it," agreed Strickland.
"Right, why should 2009 end differently than any other year..." murmured Pinkston as they straggled out of the assembly room.
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Commission to Cut Babies in Half
Editor's note: this story replaces a story entitled, "Commissioners Whiff on Questioning Ragsdale Over Kosovo Trip"
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - In a startling diversion from its original topic, after indulging in lengthy deliberations over Knox County's recall provision, Knox County Commission yesterday voted itself the authority to cut infants in half to reach compromises. The motion passed on a 15-4 vote after spirited debate that included dire predictions of electoral Armageddon if babies weren't cut in half.
The surprising developments came after commission apparently lost itself in the discussion of its original motion, lowering the threshold of signatures needed to trigger a recall election. That subject was brought by Commissioner Richard Briggs, who initially wanted to make it easier to recall officeholders by lowering the threshold from 15 percent of registered voters to at least 3 or 4 of the 6 or 7 voters who cast ballots in the election in question.
Agreement was universal on Briggs' proposal except when it came to the number of signatories needed for a successful recall drive. As proposals and counter-proposals mounted and substitute motions were substituted for motions to amend the motion to replace the motion to second that emotion, commission began to flounder about seeking a means to reconcile the welter of competing recommendations before them. This prompted Commissioner Mike Brown to quip, "I'm just about as confused as the little boy who dropped his chewing gun in the chicken yard."
"What does that mean?" demanded Commissioner Mark Harmon.
"I don't know, but it's a Genuine, Unvarnished, Forthright, Folksy Appalachian Wise Saying (GUFFAWS™), available for only $12.95 at any Mast General Store or Cracker Barrel Restaurant," answered Brown. "I thought this discussion needed a dollop of homespun wisdom."
"It reminds me of the time we got confused discussing something with Mayor Ragsdale," commented Commissioner Our Larry Smith.
"Wait here now, that can't be a genuine GUFFAWS," argued Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "It talks about him gum-chewing."
"So?" said Brown.
"So chewing gum is modern," answered Pinkston.
"Actually, you might be surprised by the history of chewing gum," interjected Harmon. "Ancient Greeks chewed a substance from the resin of the mastic tree, from which the English 'masticate,' meaning 'chew,' is derived. The first commercially produced gum in the U.S. was the 'State of Maine Pure Spruce Gum,' manufactured in 1848 in Bangor, Maine. But American Indians were already chewing a chicle-based gum made from the hardened sap of the sapodilla tree, which was also well known to the Mexican General Santa Anna, who wanted to use it to make rubber-"
"I make a motion that we hear no further information on the history of anything from Commissioner Mmmmm Harmon," yawned Commissioner Mike Hammond.
"Seconded," exclaimed Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland. "All in favor say 'aye,' the ayes have it."
"What were we talking about?" asked Commissioner Craig Leuthold.
"We were trying to find a compromise between-" began Commissioner Amy Broyles.
Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert cut her off, gravely intoning, "Trying to find a compromise on this triggers the Law of Unintended Consequences that opens a Pandora's Box of Electoral Nuclear Options, and the Wisdom of Solomon is needed to sustain Chronic Governmental Instability. In other words, it's time to cut this baby in half."
"I think the unintended consequence would be trusting that what you are saying is what you think it means," countered Commissioner Mark Harmon. "What are you talking about, 'cutting this baby in half'?"
"I'm talking about proposing that we use Rock 'Em's Razors to cut this here baby we're discussing in half," answered Lambert, going on to predict that cutting babies in half would make good distractions for officials on politically charged issues, such as guns in parks or tax increases.
Broyles tried to bring the discussion back on point by noting that "It is fairly easy to make decisions in the city, and nobody is using Occam's Razor to divide babies all the time."
"The city is an entirely different animal," Lambert countered. "If we want to move forward in Knox County, this will happen all the time. If we don't, you will be leaving a political nuclear option in reach of the undivided babies with the safety off. I don't know about you, but I don't trust babies that much."
Hammond, citing the precedent of soothsayers cutting open animals and reading the future in their intestines, said, "We do have a need for compromise in Knox County, and it seems to me that if we have to chop up babies to get there, then we will have more of this activity, given the nature of Knox County politics."
Leuthold then made a motion to authorize commission to "facilitate compromise when necessary by dividing infants into more than one piece but not exceeding two pieces, and that the resulting pieces, which cannot attain to the number of three, should be of approximate size and weight, but not necessarily of similar dimensions or appearance."
"Seconded, let's vote," chimed in Strickland.
"Wait, we're voting to cut babies in half?" asked Commissioner Finbarr Saunders.
Strickland affirmed as much.
"Well, I can't vote for that," protested Saunders.
"Why not?" asked Strickland.
"Because it's wrong to divide tiny babies," interjected Smith. "They're so itty-bitty, if you cut them in half, there won't be nothing left of them."
"But that was the Wisdom of Solomon that you can always compromise by slicing babies in two," argued Lambert.
"That's not what 'the Wisdom of Solomon' means," corrected Harmon. "It means-"
"It was in the Bible, Solomon proposed it, so it must be his wisdom," countered Lambert. "It's what Solomon's known for: baby-division proposals."
"I think you're missing the infant for math," said Broyles.
"Well, we got to vote on cutting babies in half because that's the measure before us, and we're really sick of all the motions and counter-proposals and amendments and we want to be done with this thing and break for the holidays," said Strickland.
"You want us to vote on something that could hurt the well being of something we want to nurture?" boggled Commissioner Dave Wright.
"That's the whole art of deal-making, the entire spirit of compromise," explained Briggs. "Horse-trading one half-dead baby for two dead half babies is the whole art of negotiation."
"But that's insane," protested Broyles.
"I think somebody didn't listen to their grammy's GUFFAWS growing up," observed Pinkston.
"All in favor say 'I-yi-yi-yi!'" called Strickland.
"I-yi-yi-yi!" came the chorus.
"The 'I-yi-yi-yis!' have it, meetin' adjourned," concluded Strickland.
"Makes me feel like the boy in the chicken yard running around with his head cut off," quipped Brown to general laughter as the room emptied.
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Commission Votes for Guns in Neyland Stadium
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With firearms of every caliber in the audience, Knox County Commissioners yesterday afternoon held a tense debate over the necessity and advisability of allowing guns in sports stadiums, including Neyland Stadium. Tempers were on a short fuse and many of the guns in the audience nearly went off on commission, but despite some emotional moments, the meeting concluded with a vote 13-5 to allow guns in sports facilities. The assembled munitions bared their themselves in solidarity when the vote was announced.
Voting to allow guns in stadiums were Commissioners Tony Norman, Ivan Harmon, Mike Hammond, Craig Leuthold, Richard Briggs, Brad Anders, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, R. Larry Smith, Michele Carringer, Bud Armstrong, Dave Wright, Mike Brown and Paul Pinkston.
Voting for the ban were Commissioners Sam McKenzie, Thomas "Tank" Strickland, Mark Harmon, Amy Broyles and Finbarr Saunders.
Those arguing in favor of handguns in stadiums said it should be allowed under the Second Amendment and that violence is part of sports anyway and if people were going to attack each other, wouldn't a sports facility be the appropriate place for it? And besides, they added, the guns themselves were wholly indifferent to sports.
Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., pointed out that there were only occasional fights in the stands at Neyland Stadium, and "almost no one resorts to using their expensive, concessions-stand-purchased popcorn as a lethal weapon, so logically, people won't resort to using guns - which are much more precious to them than their popcorn - as lethal weapons."
"Popcorn is light, fluffy and yummy; guns are heavy, leaden and lethal - there is no logic in your comparison," argued Commissioner Amy Broyles.
At that, angry cries burst from some members of the audience.
"Guns don't kill people - bullets do!" yelled a Colt .45.
"Popcorn has choked more people to death than I've ever shot," cried a Sig Sauer P239.
"I'm not bad, I'm just aimed that way," growled a Smith & Wesson 60 Ladysmith 38 Special.
Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert was then dispatched as a special peacemaker to the gun culture to convince the weapons to stay on topic - and target. The meeting then resumed.
"What about venues that are co-operated by the city?" said Commissioner Mark Harmon.
"No worries," said Lambert, "Knowing we're armed will keep those undesirables out."
Commissioner Sam McKenzie said, "Once you start allowing guns to attend sporting events under their own recognizance, where does it end? What happens when they demand sporting events for weapons only - and they're demanding it at the end of a gun barrel because that's the only way they can? Where do we go from there? Guns-only playgrounds? Do we have guns-only bars, no people allowed, where they serve drinks with names like the Soft-Headed Slug of Whiskey, the Pink Elephant Gun and the Loaded for Bearing Arms? Where does it end, I ask you?"
"Not there," replied Commissioner Brad Anders excitedly. "There's a whole world of drink names to come up with for a guns-only bar! Think about all the shots you could have: the sure shot, the trick shot, the lucky shot, the sniper shot, and - oho - the kill shot!"
That wasn't exactly my point-" began McKenzie.
"Well now, let me see, this is a fascinating subject - Why, you could have the Loaded Magnum!" interjected Commissioner Mike Hammond. "Or the Pistol Whip. How about the Long, Hot, Smoking Barrel with a Twist? And the Muzzle-Loader!"
"Or the 'Muzzle-Lover,'" quipped Commissioner Craig Leuthold.
"Oo, oo, me, me!" screamed "Our" Larry Smith. "I got one: The Saturday Night Special with a Tracer-Bullet Chaser!"
"'Loaded Magnum' makes me think of movie-themed drink names!" exclaimed Commissioner Michele Carringer. "What about the Dirty Harry, the Lethal Weapon, the Do Ya Feel Lucky, Punk, and the Go Ahead, Make My Day? My goodness, this really is making mine."
"Could we get back to my point?" asked McKenzie tiredly. "I can't believe even members of this body would actually think fans having guns in sports stadiums is a good idea. If you had been at the UT-UCLA game, you might think differently."
"I would not!" exclaimed Commissioner Lambert. "If there are angry, dangerous people there, all the more reason for me to have my guns. Besides, our tax dollars helped build that stadium, so I have a right to keep and bear my arms there - all 20,000 of them. And it's named after a general for heaven's sake. What could be more natural than carrying a gun in a place named after a general? General Robert Neyland would want me to bring my guns and offer a 20,000-handgun salute in his honor. The gun-fearers could just throw popcorn."
"Can we please forget the popcorn?" responded Broyles. "The point is, letting unsupervised lethal weapons attend emotionally volatile sports events just makes them more potentially lethal."
"When Auburn starts laying wood to the Vols next Saturday night and the crowd turns ugly, you're going to regret not having some lethal means of self-defense," replied Commissioner Paul Pinkston.
"What do mean, 'turns ugly'? They start that way," observed Commissioner Mark Harmon.
"You're not supposed to bring alcohol into the stadium either - do you suppose everyone obeys that rule?" asked Commissioner Dave Wright. "So, just like you know there's liquor in there, you know there are guns in the stadium illegally already, and I just want to even up the odds. And those illegal drunks might attack, too, and then you'd wish you had your gun. Anyway, in the same spirit, I also propose that those people who can hold their liquor be issued special drink licenses for Neyland Stadium - to even up the odds with the illegal drinkers."
"You're serious, aren't you?" asked Commissioner Finbarr Saunders.
"Oh yes," replied Wright, "The only way to address this is by evening up the number of people illegally doing these things with the same number legally doing them."
"And what about those players?" put in Commissioner Tony Norman. "Look how they're dressed, like they're wearing body armor - what are they doing that for unless they're expecting gunplay? And what if they turn on us? All the more reason to have firearms and armor-piercing shells in Neyland Stadium."
"Look, they have a cannon in there," argued Lambert. "It's a university - a government-run institution. It's only a matter of time before the mind-control starts working and they start aiming the cannon at the crowd."
"Yes, the fans could get angry and turn on each other and then the authorities - who are the government, remember - they might fear a mob forming and turn the cannon on the us," theorized Commissioner Mike Brown.
"So we absolutely need our guns in Neyland for self-defense against the popcorn fiends, the angry sports fans, the people who illegally drink too much, the people we know illegally carry guns there, the players who have body armor who seem threatening and the government agents wielding cannons, plus assorted other sundry unnamed potential threats that might pop up that we must be ready for," summed up Commissioner Ivan Harmon.
Commission Chair Thomas "Tank" Strickland said, "All right, I can see there are some itchy trigger fingers among those wanting to proceed for guns in stadiums, so I'm calling this motion to a vote."
Thirteen hands immediately shot up.
"Quick on the draw," commented Strickland. "Keep 'em holstered until I count three."
But our sights are set," called out 13 voices in chorus.
"Y'all ain't bad, you're just aimed that way," sighed Strickland. "Go ahead then, take your best shot."
After the resulting 13-5 vote, the firearms in attendance retired to the closest bar to celebrate.
"We ought to order the barkeep to create some of the drinks those commissioners mentioned in the meeting," suggested the Sig Sauer. "I want the Lethal Weapon!"
"I could go for the Loaded for Bearing Arms," agreed the Colt .45.
"I think I'll come up with my own drink," drawled the S&W Ladysmith. "Maybe the 'Is That a Pistol in Your Pocket, Or...'?"
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Outside Counseling Proposed for Ethics Panel
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Ethics Committee members believe the County Commission that the commission insistence that the couple receive outside relationship counseling will weaken their relationship.
Commissioners recently discussed a plan to bring in three "relationship advisors" to establish rules for the ethics panel and commission to interact by. They also invited the committee members to attend their Sept. 28 meeting, when they will take up the proposal and meet the proposed counselors, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura and Dear Abby.
Several commissioners say they are concerned that the ethics committee is listening to "nasty rumors" about them and may be swayed by gossip from "ill-intentioned" friends. Commissioners also insist that there is nothing to the rumors that they fear the committee may be hearing about them.
"If you're going to be bringing all kinds of things from the past in and hearing about people being charged with criminal conduct when they were very young and easily swayed, there needs to be a formal set of procedures that's fair to everybody," said Knox County Commissioner Mike Hammond. "My big thing is that they are hearing hearsay and gossip and innuendo and not a word of it is true, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it."
The committee did agree to review its circle of friends and be more equitable in its relationship with commission, but members appear ready to resist any attempt to control their actions.
"If Dr. Laura comes in here and screams 'Do the right thing!' at us, then I know they're trying to emasculate us," said committee member Julia Tucker.
Ethics Committee member and Knox County Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., asked and answered his own question: "Am I a commissioner or a committee member? What kind of question is that for me to ask myself? I'm a doctor, not philosopher, blast it! I don't know how to separate out the committee member from the commissioner! And there's a colonel in there somewhere too..."
Committee member Elaine Davis took offense at the commissioners' comments.
"It really concerns me that anyone is questioning my integrity," she said. "I think I'm a big enough girl to differentiate rumor, gossip and innuendo, and if Dr. Phil thinks he's going to tell me to 'Get real!' without getting an earful back, then some very accurate rumors are going to start circulating about him."
"Does County Commissioner Briggs have the right to tell Ethics Committee Member Briggs how to conduct himself?" continued Briggs. "If this is a relationship, shouldn't we treat one another as equals? Committee member Briggs needs to be independent of Commissioner Briggs, not dictated to by the commissioner. The commissioner must respect the committee member, that's the only way a healthy relationship can be built."
Hammond, who proposed having the outside panel of counselors, said he hoped the committee members would come to commission and discuss any hearsay they might hear about commissioners.
"You have to tell us what you're hearing about us!" said Hammond. "Because it's all lies, lies, I tell you!"
Briggs said the invitation to speak to the commission isn't welcome.
"I don't think any members of this committee can be compelled to undergo an inquisition, and I don't think committee member Briggs is going to allow Commissioner Briggs to conduct any sort of Ragsdalian self-interrogation on him," he said. "If I try that, I may come to blows with myself."
Some committee members, especially Davis and Lewis Cosby, took particular offense at a comment by Commissioner Tony Norman, who said that he hoped the commission's discussion would "send a message" to the committee about who was the dominant partner in this relationship. His original proposal was to cut off the committee's "pin money" until questions of subservience were settled.
"I think there are people in this county that will play dirty and will use an impressionable Ethics Committee to do damaging things to other people, possibly people who are also commissioners, because commissioners are people too," Norman said. "I don't want the committee to be used as a political pawn and to be off attending witch-hunting or other subversive activities. I don't want them worrying their pretty little heads about such things."
Cosby, however, said he believes the committee serves as a vehicle for the interests of the public and isn't interested in any witches.
"We are a vehicle for citizens to come and raise issues that maybe our partner, county commission, can't or won't address," said Cosby. "We are a vehicle of last resort for a lot of people, and I hope county commission gets that message. Knox Countians, we are your vehicle, baby. We'll take you anywhere you want to go."
Norman sniffed that the commission will deal with the issue at its next meeting, and "We will discuss whether to have Dear Abby offer some sensible advice to our Ethics Committee - bless its little head."
However, Commission Vice Chairman Craig Leuthold said, committed to each other or not, he believes the Ethics Committee should operate as a separate entity from the commission.
"We were mandated by the state to have and to hold each other," he said. "But they have to do their own thing - they have to their own life outside of our relationship. I believe they have to go their own way - as long as it is a way that follows the law."
Briggs said that Commissioner Briggs and Ethics Committee Member Briggs were still on speaking terms and that they were confident that they'd work out a way to coexist equitably.
"As long as he doesn't try to boss me around," said committee member Briggs.
"As long as he doesn't go listening to untrue rumors about me," said Commissioner Briggs.
"See, see?" said committee member Briggs. "Already you're trying to boss me! Always with the bossing!"
Davis then said that Commissioner and committee member Briggs needed some time alone and ended the interview.
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Knox County Auditions New Scandals
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - With the state district attorney's office investigation into the mayor's office over and done, Knox County Commission yesterday held auditions for new scandals to entertain citizens. They found what they were looking for - but one of their own stole the show.
Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, who recently made headlines with his disruptive behavior at a series of Ridge, Slope and Hillside Development Task Force meetings, opened the show. In the task force performances, Lambert billed himself as "The Hillside Wrangler" and later deemed his outrageous antics merely part of an ongoing performance art show.
Commissioner Tony Norman demanded that commission review Lambert's act and decide whether it was worthy of censure. Norman claimed Lambert's performance was 100 percent out of control, "lacking the discipline and timing to rise to the level of true performance art," and noted that performance was about more than emotion.
Lambert then launched into his routines, including "Is That a Pistol in Your Pocket or Are You Sad to See Me," a comedic reflection on the travails of becoming known for carrying a weapon, "Lumpy Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest," an interpretative dance refuting accusations of his instability, and "Who'd Hold Rocky Top," an impassioned rap on his family's ridge-top holdings and private property rights.
Former appointed County Commissioner Victoria DeFreese, voting via video-satellite link from the location of her latest photo shoot, gave Lambert's efforts a thumbs-up, saying, he's got that je ne sais quois, that certain...something. He's definitely got it."
"No, Halls has that," said Commissioner Mark Harmon. "Whatever Commissioner Lambert's got, I hope it's not catching."
Of Lambert's performance, Commissioner Sam McKenzie said, "It's more than just about emotion. This is a mockery - and we need to leave mockery to the experts."
Lambert gave an emotional defense of his act.
"I'm just trying to be a stand-up guy, be the best stand-up commissioner I can for the audiences out there in Knox County," he said. "We have such high standards to live up to, with Mayor Ragsdale's famous stand-up routines from last year. He's my idol - I'm just trying to prepare to fill the void left when he leaves office next year."
In Knox County, only Mayor Mike Ragsdale has ever received the coveted "Golden Silence" censure - county commission's equivalent of an Emmy or an Oscar, although the county's version is known as a Folly.
Ragsdale received his Folly in 2008 for his stand-up mayor act, which included the bits "Hush, Hush Sweet Slush Fund," "Showboat!," "Roll Over, Rock Lobster," and his famous self-clearing routine, "When I Think about You, I Clear Myself." In it, Ragsdale clears himself of any wrongdoing related to alleged financial irregularities after several rounds of intense self-questioning. The routine climaxes with the mayor waterboarding himself until he forces himself to agree to never again use the phrases "moving forward," "looking ahead," "making progress," or "reading to the children."
Lambert's review ended when Commissioner Mike Hammond concluded, "Commissioner Lambert, I've served with Mike Ragsdale, I know Mike Ragsdale, Mike Ragsdale is a friend of mine. And, commissioner, you are no Mike Ragsdale ... But you still deserve to be censured."
"Oh, snap," enthused Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D.
"Snap? Snap what?" cried Lambert.
"'Snap' snap, son!" replied Briggs. "You got it! You earned your Folly! You're censured!"
"Oh, my stars and garters!" exclaimed Lambert. "I have to find Mayor Ragsdale and learn the secret censure handshake!"
Commission then turned to the business of finding new scandals and quickly settled on the alleged thievery in the county's Solid Waste Department - although at first, some commissioners expressed doubts that the allegations were scandal-worthy.
Bruce Wuethrich, director of public works and engineering, noted that already an employee had been fired for stealing $1,000.
"One thousand dollars?" scoffed Commissioner Craig Leuthold. "That's no scandal. That's lobster lunch money."
"Well, OK, it might be as much as $13,000," replied Wuethrich.
"Oh, really?" yawned Commissioner Harmon. "$13,000? Do you know how much we spend on employee take-home vehicles in a month? $13,000 is gas money."
"All right, all right," said a flustered Wuethrich. "Look, it might be a lot more if we dig deeper and go back far enough."
"Well, why didn't you say so," cried Chairman Thomas "Tank" Strickland. "That's a heist of a different order. I move we award this situation immediate probationary scandal status, pending confirmation of corroborating outrageousness. If anyone knows any reason why these facts and revelations should not be pronounced probationary scandal, speak now or forever hold your pea-"
"I object!" roared visibly upset Mayoral Aide Dwight Van de Vate. "What proof do you have that this really amounts to a scandal? Besides, even if it amounts to a scandal, it's not as scandalous as the mayor's scandals. And how could you award Lumpy a Folly? That's like a slap in the face to the mayor. He held your censure from a year ago as a badge of honor, a token of esteem. Now it's nothing. It's less than nothing. It's nothing-less! And he won't forget that it was the actions of this body this day that made it that way. Just sayin'."
Despite Van de Vate's objections, commission voted unanimously to award the solid waste imbroglio probationary scandal status, tentatively assigned it the nickname "Garbagegate," and created a committee to develop a more original one.
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Law Director: "I Still Have Work to Do"
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Declaring "I'm still in charge of the law director's office," Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett today announced a major rearrangement of the office furniture.
"I still have work to do - I am having my desk moved closer to the window, and I'm thinking of having new draperies installed," explained the energetic law director. "What do you think of chartreuse brocade with lacy frills?"
Lockett also noted that he had a large quantity of folders to file, pencils to sharpen, and papers to shuffle. He said that he would be checking later to make sure that the trash was taken out.
"Anything that happens in this office, I'm on top of it," he said.
Meanwhile, Chief Deputy Law Director Joe Jarret said that the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation had seized Lockett's e-mail records in its criminal investigation into his activities.
"County information technology came to my office under the authority of TBI and asked for access to Mr. Lockett's computer," Jarret said this morning.
Lockett confirmed that the TBI had seized his e-mails records but stated that he was still able to send and receive e-mails.
"I am absolutely the only person in this office in charge of sending or receiving e-mails on my computer," said Lockett. "I can also move things on my desk. See? I just moved my desk calendar, because I am completely in control of everything in this office. I may release a statement tomorrow regarding a major reorganization of my drawers."
Commissioner Finbarr Saunders said that, while it was admirable that the law director was so ably managing his office, the TBI's actions Monday indicated that the investigation into Lockett's alleged misdeeds is being stepped up and that maybe the law director should consider stepping down.
"Clearly, the law director is very hands-on in office management, which is something," Saunders said. "But county commission can only abide with so much furniture rearrangement. It's terribly distracting. Perhaps Mr. Lockett should consider a career in interior design."
In response, Lockett said that he would update the commission on his printer and copier paper refill orders later that day, "so they'll know managing this office is not all about moving furniture."
Commissioner Mark Harmon said he is being asked what is going on in the law director's office.
"I'm hearing things from the community that make clear that people want to know what is going on in the law director's office," Harmon said. "My understanding is that he's in that office, day and night, ensuring the carpet is vacuumed and the furniture is polished and the pictures on the wall are straight. When I go to the store, people say, 'What does this all mean?' and I say, 'It means the office is very clean.'"
Of resignation, Harmon said it would be "unfortunate in terms of the office's upkeep, but probably best in terms of its actual functions."
Commissioner Amy Broyles said she was "not certain" if the commission should move forward with measures designed to oust Lockett from office.
"You hate to see someone so obviously taken with an office forced out of it," said Broyles. "But he can't just live in there, even if he is very efficient about the filing. I prefer to see the distinction between being in charge of the law director's office and being the law director resolved sooner rather than later to the benefit of office managers everywhere."
Commissioners Mike Hammond and Craig Leuthold said they were impressed with Lockett's devotion to the office, but nonetheless disappointed he hasn't resigned.
"I recognize that he is just managing the socks off of that office," Hammond said. "I understand he even knows how to run the copier, which is more than I can claim. Still, there's more to managing an office than office management, if you know what I mean."
"I hear he's even doing the windows," added Leuthold. "But that can be hired out, and maybe he could take a more suitable position elsewhere."
Despite these commissioners' opinions, Lockett said he had "every intention of ordering ink cartridges, legal pads, ballpoints, paper clips and binders first thing in the morning."
"As long as I am in charge, the law director's office will be protected from supply shortages and will function smoothly and cleanly," said Lockett.
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Lockett Vows, "The Show Must Go On!"
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County Magic Director Bill Lockett today said he planned to continue with his current stunt, surviving alone, barricaded in his office, with no visible means of support, "until there are no more rabbits in the hat."
Fresh from his long-running 2005-2008 performance at the Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley Theatre, where his signature act was making piles of cash disappear, Lockett said he was determined to complete his latest trick - surviving for the next three years subsisting only on his $140,000 taxpayer-provided salary, with no political support whatsoever from any of the county government's various factions - except possibly that of the mayor.
"I'm going to continue doing my feats of prestidigitation every day as I have since I started in September," Lockett said. "That's what I do. I'm a magician, an enchanter, a prestidigitator: I have magic fingers."
Records show that the piles of cash Lockett made disappear in his previous engagement amounted to several thousand dollars.
"Look!" Lockett abruptly exclaimed, brandishing a wad of bills from out of nowhere. "I have your tax money, but at no time did my fingers touch your wallet!"
When asked if reports were accurate that Lockett never made the piles of cash at the Kennerly, Montgomery & Finley Theatre reappear until requested to do so by management, Lockett replied, "I said I was an enchanter. I didn't say I was a very good one."
Lockett's magic license was temporarily suspended in mid-air for two weeks in 2007. Lockett said he failed to pay a fee for continuing chicanery education and the suspension "had nothing to do with my performance - it wasn't part of the act - although people seemed to enjoy it, anyway."
Lockett declined to reveal the secrets of his illusions. However, Dwight Van de Vate, chief spokesperson for Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, a known master of the arts of legerdemain, explained that most tricksters rely on misdirection - getting the audience to focus on one thing while the illusionist is doing another.
"I can't speak to this professionally, never, ever in my career having been involved in such humbugs," explained Van de Vate. "But in my own observance, what Enchanter Lockett does is, his act plays on his audience's sympathy. He cries, 'Look! Over there! Sympathetic reasons for my misdeeds!' and his audience looks the other way. That's how it's seemed to work thus far."
But Commissioners Mike Hammond, Sam McKenzie and Richard Briggs said that audiences are beginning to see through the illusion. The commission can't force Lockett to quit because he's an independent agent, but the commissioners said they think the commission should give Lockett's show uniformly bad reviews at an already scheduled June 4 commission review session.
Commissioner Hammond mused philosophically about Lockett's circumstances.
"His job depends on an audience's willing suspension of disbelief, sleight of hand and trompe l'oeil - that's French, literally, for 'tromp on your eye,'" sighed Hammond. "Haven't we all been there? But he tried to do the old disappearing car trick with that $17,00 Chevy Impala and it didn't fool anybody. When the slighting no longer works and the audience stops believing and doesn't want their eyes stomped on anymore, then it's time to pack up the bag of tricks and move on."
"We can make a strong statement of disbelief in his actions," McKenzie said. "His act failed at his previous engagement. At first, I inferred that his clients were giving him extra money, and I thought 'Wow! He really is a magician!' But noo-ooooo, his performance stunk so bad they demanded their money back. There's no excuse for that. There's no misdirection that would cause me to fall for an act where the audience demands its money back."
Said Briggs: "My heart goes out to Bill Lockett and his family. I realize his back's to the wall, and he probably has nowhere else to go, because where's a wizard to go once his wand's broken? But all purveyors of smoke and mirrors are expected to deliver the goods and give the citizens of Knox County their money's worth. The facts indicate there's been a serious breach of those standards and his position has been compromised to the point that he needs to pull a vanishing act himself."
Commissioners Michele Carringer and "Our" Larry Smith of the 7th District also said Lockett should disband his act.
"Boo! Hiss! Boo-oooooo," Carringer said. "My first response would be that every act is good until proven bad, but he already bombed earlier. I'm saddened, and I'm shocked. BOO-OOOOOOO!"
Said Smith, "Over the last 48 hours, local audiences have thrown bricks through my windows with the message 'NO MORE EMBARRASSING MAGIC ACTS' scrawled on them. No one threw a brick that read 'YAY! GREAT ACT.' So I take those as a sign of 100% disapproval of his performance."
Commissioner Dave Wright said, " Maybe he hasn't seen the reviews or gotten hit by the rotten tomatoes, yet - but I have. Let's face it - he's lost all respect. So let's strap on his oversized clown britches and say, 'This is what Knox County wants you to do - Just be a Punchinello, fellow - Laugh, clown, laugh!' and then give him a pie in the face, because he's just not the wiz he was. This is a person I have to defer to, and how can I defer to him when all I can picture is big, baggy pants and a bright red nose? I can't defer to that - it's just not deferrable. This is a sad situation ... How can we ever be confident in his performance? Now that we know his tricks, we'd just see right through them."
Commissioners Finbarr Saunders and Mark Harmon also turned in bad notices on Lockett. Harmon said he's seen "enough vegetables tossed to make a salad for every household in Knox County."
However, for reasons surpassing comprehension, Commissioners Ed Shouse, Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, Amy Broyles, Craig Leuthold, Brad Anders and Bud Armstrong said they want to see more of Lockett's performance before turning in their reviews.
Lockett, ignoring the catcalls and mixed vegetables, was defiant. "Ladies and gentlemen," he cried. "In my last feat, you witnessed my integrity disappear! For my next trick, I will make the entire remainder of Knox County's reputation vanish!"
"Encore! Encore!" cried Mayor Ragsdale. "Make some more money disappear! Keep all eyes focused on you and not on me!"
Lockett bowed and said, "The hand is quicker than the eye."
Still applauding, "The how is quicker than the why," replied the mayor, enigmatically.
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Strickland Took Cash to Fund Kidney Transplant
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE - Knox County commissioners are giving the benefit of the doubt to Commission Chairman Thomas "Tank" Strickland, who returned to the commission Tuesday after a successful kidney transplant. Strickland apparently embezzled funds from the county to pay for his operation, but his fellow commissioners say it's all being worked out. Commissioners say they are being so magnanimous because County Law Director Bill Lockett, "who has experience with this sort of thing," said it was acceptable. Lockett yesterday confessed to "financial missteps" in 2005 at his former law firm.
Strickland's confession was made Tuesday to the county's pension board. He said his medical condition and other debts prompted him to take money from the county without anyone knowing. He said he is repaying the money.
"But I never took money during business hours," said Strickland. "It was always on my own time."
"It seems like he was trying to make some money on the side to take care of himself," said Lockett. "So he took some money without telling anyone, so what? When he was caught, he started paying it back. And it was for a good cause, a noble cause. It's between him and his former conscience."
"He needed the money to save his life, so nothing should be done," said Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "Besides, he's been a good commissioner and chairman, and saved us a lot of money working selflessly for the county the rest of the time."
Commission Vice Chairman Craig Leuthold said he had just heard the news about Strickland and added, "I don't know the details. That's between him and the county."
Commissioner Ivan Harmon, a member of the pension board, said, "I think Tank Strickland had a financial situation and his back was against the wall, and therefore the ends justify the means." He added that Bill Mason, a lawyer who works with Lockett's former firm, Kennerly Montgomery & Finley, who serves as the board's attorney, had stated that he would have no problem working with Strickland.
"Oh no, we don't have a problem working with Tank," confirmed Mason. "Heck, we don't have a problem working with Bill Lockett, and he stole money from us and our clients. Why would we have a problem working with Tank?"
Commissioner Mike Hammond said he wanted to "feel which way the political wind was blowing" before making a statement, as did Commissioner Mike Brown.
Commissioner Dave Wright said "laws are laws," but added, "that's between him and God."
Commissioner Mark Harmon said, "It's regrettable. I think he'll need to work it out with himself. It's between him and his professional integrity. If he can rationalize it to himself, then that's good enough for me."
"Whatever has happened between Mr. Strickland and Knox County is of no concern to us at all," said Dwight Van de Vate, County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's spokesman and Chief of Staff. "In fact, we praise Chairman Strickland for all the good he's done. It justifies any transgressions. Oh, by the way, do you remember former mayoral staffers Requitta Bone, Cynthia Finch, Margie Loyd, and John Werner, who all resigned a while back for some teensy-tiny financial peccadilloes? Well, we're giving them back their jobs - with back pay added. After all, what's a little 'monetary impropriety' between colleagues? We'll be contacting the State Attorney General's office about ending the investigations into Mayor Ragsdale's office and the trustee's office too. It's all no big deal, right?"
In other news, the commission approved Ragsdale's $648 million budget as he presented it. Commissioner Amy Broyles and the other commissioners did agree to some minor additions for nonprofits that will be embezzled out of funds in the current budget - $10,000 for the Cerebral Palsy Home, $12,000 for Helen Ross McNabb's Mother Goose Program, $8,000 for the Senior Information Referral Service and $50,000 for Second Harvest Food Bank.
"These are important programs that help people in need," said Broyles. "The money to keep them afloat must be stolen from somewhere. The amounts we've embezzled aren't enough to fund them fully, though, so we just told them to 'find' the rest of the funds they need elsewhere - all will be forgiven later, because it's all for a good cause."
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Commission May Remove 'Non-Scandalous' Officials from County Government
From APB reports. KNOVILLE - With the revelation of Knox County Law Director Bill Lockett's "financial misdeeds" at his former place of employ, Knox County Commission may consider removing all government officials who are scandal free, some commissioners verified.
"Let he who is without sin be cast out of office like a stone," said Dwight Van de Vate, chief of staff for Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale. "Knox County government is clearly an all-scandal, all-time time zone."
Lockett told the county's pension board today that he improperly took payments from clients at his former law firm about three years before becoming the county's top legal counsel.
Bill Mason, who joined Kennerly Montgomery & Finley some six months after Lockett left, said the missing funds came to light earlier this year in the course of the firm's regular internal accounting and billing processes.
Mason described Lockett's actions as a "defenestration," a term meaning embezzling stack of cash by throwing them out a window to a pick-up truck parked below.
Lockett said his financial misdeeds were merely a "warm-up" for running for county office. "I wanted to assure myself I could fit into a culture of entitlement," he explained. "Once I did it, I realized I could fit in with Knox County government. So I came in fully prepared to continue the county's scandalous tradition, which I did so with my outrageous truck order and the rewording of the charter amendment ballot language."
Most Knox County commissioners said today the revelation that Lockett improperly took payments from his clients makes him a member of the gang.
County Commission Chairman Thomas "Tank" Strickland, who returned to commission today after a successful kidney transplant, said, "It seems like he was trying to make some money on the side to take care of his family, which is really no different than what (former director of community services) Cynthia Finch did or (former county trustee) Mike Lowe or (current trustee) Fred Sisk did. And what with (Knox County Sheriff Jimmy 'J.J.') 'Good Times' (Jones) having a non-county-resident employee doing political favors for him down in Nashville, I think it's high time we purge all non-scandalous officials from county government, the way county Republicans want to purge Democrats."
Commissioner Mark Harmon, however, said it would be "regrettable and hasty to purge all non-scandalous officials from office. I think we need to give the Pollyannas a chance to prove their scandal mettle."
Asked if he wad taking this position because he is generally considered "non-scandalous" himself, Harmon took offense. "Hey, I was found to have violated the Sunshine Law just like every other commissioner," said Harmon. That's some heavy-duty publicly affirmed scandal right there."
"Nothing" should be done to non-scandalous officials, said Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "They provide plausible cover for everybody else. And if we start purging the way the county Republican party is doing, pretty soon we'll be hacking up a large intestine."
Commissioner Mike Hammond said he hasn't had a chance to talk with Lockett and "I want the opportunity to talk to Bill before I make a statement because I always carefully gauge things before I make a statement and in fact I should have more carefully gauged the effect of making this statement before I made it."
Commission's Vice Chairman Craig Leuthold said he had just heard the news about Lockett and added, "I don't know the details. That's between he and the law firm, but I definitely take it as a sign that pansy-ass non-scandalous officials need to get out of the way or get run over."
Commissioner Mike Brown said he would like to "look into it further."
Commissioner Dave Wright said "laws are laws," but added, "I'll have to look into it."
Commissioner Amy Broyles said she had briefly talked to Lockett and, "Before I make a comment, I need to sit down and look at it."
Commissioner Ivan Harmon, a member of the County Pension Board, said, "I think Bill Lockett came and told the story. I think it was a very convincing story. But what it all means, I don't know. I'm going to look into it, though."
However, ousted commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore, in the City County Building today to run interference for his father-in-law former county assessor John Whitehead, was furious.
"I get bounced from commission for perjury, and now they're saying that everyone in county government needs to be a scandal-monger?" exclaimed Moore. "Something ain't right! I asked them if I presented evidence of my scandals if I could be reinstated and they said no. I don't understand that. When somebody tells me they can't do something, I think they've got something to hide. Like all those times I couldn't remember what I was saying to John Valiant on the phone during the Black Wednesday commission meeting? Obviously I had something to hide when I said that, so that should be enough to get me back on commission. If Lockett can stay, then I should be let back in."
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Knox County Budget Seeks Asylum in City
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The Knox County budget today fled Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's office in the City County Building and burst into Knoxville City Mayor Bill Haslam's suite to request asylum. The budget claimed flight was forced upon it by the unreasonable demands of the county mayor and promised it would work hard for low wages if treated well.
"I am but a simple servant, wishing only to serve the people of Knox County," said the document. "But the mayor, he was wanting me to do things, indecent things, like deficit spending, to make me appear larger than life. He treated me cruelly to get what he wanted."
The voluminous tome accused the mayor's staff of using "enhanced computation techniques" on it to bend the financial plan to their will.
Dwight Van de Vate, Ragsdale's chief of staff, denied the allegations.
"No enhanced computation techniques were used," he said. "Just plain old computations were applied. They were applied again and again and again and again until we got the numbers we wanted."
"It's true!" insisted the budget. "They forced my numerals to stay in unnatural positions. They practiced cheap derivations on me. They twisted my digits so much, they're permanently bent!"
Consequently, Mayor Ragsdale can expect a battery of questions when he meets with Knox County Commissioners on May 12 to discuss his budget proposal.
Among them will be inquiries about inflating revenue projections to the bursting point, carving deep gouges into the tissue of county savings, slashing social programs to the quick and forcing numbers to work without visible means of support.
A group of county officials, including some commissioners and members of the county mayor's staff, gathered outside the city mayor's suite in the City County and pled unsuccessfully with the budget to return to the county offices.
Asked about the county budget's status, Dwight Van de Vate, Ragsdale's chief of staff, replied simply, "The budget is revolting."
"So what else is new?" replied the assemblage. But no one there was willing to definitively predict what would happen next.
"I doubt the budget can be brought back without at least one or two attempts at escape," Commissioner Mark Harmon said. "We've mistreated it pretty badly."
Ragsdale last week unveiled his $647.7 million budget proposal for fiscal year 2010, an increase of $7.2 million from the current year's budget with no means of supporting the increase except cutting into savings. The deficit spending is one of many acts of fiscal violence the county budget now calls "unconscionable."
Commissioner Paul Pinkston pointed out that while the proposed budget is only $7.2 million more, it appears that the mayor plans to siphon $20 million from the county's rainy-day funds, officially known as "the life's blood of the county's future well-being."
"So far, I don't understand how we can make future budgets work if we bleed the current one dry, and I'm trying to figure it out," he said. "Budgets can't operate when we're sucking 'em dry instead of feeding them. They need a lot of lettuce to function properly."
Van de Vate said only $3 million is coming from savings in the general fund, which supplies money for most of county government's vital organs.
The remainder is spread among the county's extremities, including $5.4 million in the schools' budget, records show.
"A few little amputations may occur among the lesser funds, but the body politic will survive," said Van de Vate.
The county budget also expressed concern that the mayor had tried to force it to carry a burdensome load of unnecessary take-home vehicles and some bloated departments as well.
Last week, Harmon said he was "disappointed" that "there hasn't been progress in reducing take-home vehicles" and expressed concern over the budget being made to carry such excess baggage.
He had proposed eliminating 28 Knox County Sheriff's Office vehicles and 28 more in other county government departments. Instead, Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." Jones plans to pile on the budget, purchasing 16 cruisers, while the general government budgeted one additional garbage truck.
"Ah, that little budget, she's a tough, gal," Jones reportedly said at the time. "She can take whatever we lay on 'er."
Van de Vate said the implications of taking away vehicles "are pretty substantial."
"Those are cars that are driven by people like me, the mayor, the chief financial officer and important folks in the sheriff's office, like Commissioner Pinkston's wife," he said. "Obviously we would have to reconsider our sense of self-importance if our cars were taken away."
The mayor also threatened to slash the budget's grants to community and cultural organizations, which has prompted cries of dough-piece brutality to commissioners, including Craig Leuthold.
"It's a gruesome sight, a budget abused that way," he said. "These organizations, they don't want their budgets to experience that. They want them to grow to be happy and well-adjusted financial projections."
Harmon said perhaps commission can soften the mayor's lash so the cuts that those groups' budgets are forced to endure "are not so severe."
Leuthold, who today plans to meet with Ragsdale and Chief Financial Officer John Troyer, wants to know why some county departments are receiving more money than they requested.
"Why are we forcing this poor budget, this wretched, overloaded creature, to carry more than those departments requested?" demanded Leuthold. "It's inhuman!"
The county has a lot of fixed increases, including health insurance, which accounts for why some are allocated more money, but it was the mayor's choice to make the budget swallow them all, according to County Budget Director Ann Acuff.
As the city's Chief Budget Consoler, Bill Lyons, led the budget into one of Mayor Haslam's inner offices, the distraught financial instrument cried out, "I'm like a grape they're trying to balloon up into a watermelon!"
Van de Vate said that allegations of 'watermelonboarding' were unfounded.
Lyons said that the city would carefully examine the county budget's request, but that, under the circumstances, it would be considered an illegal - albeit friendly - alien.
"Currently, the county budget is deemed an undocumented paper," said Lyons.
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Ragsdale Unveils 'All Old Taxes' Budget
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale unveiled this morning a $648 million budget, which features all old taxes.
"The good news is, this is an all-old-taxes budget," said Ragsdale. "The bad news is, citizens will be getting less service bang for their old tax bucks."
Ragsdale explained that "consistency" was the main reason for the all-old-taxes budget.
"In these uncertain economic times, when so much is changing before our very eyes, people take comfort in knowing that some things remain the same," said Ragsdale. "So it is with great pleasure that I announce that citizens of Knox County will again pay the same taxes they've always paid under my administration, while again receiving fewer services for them. No taxation without perpetuation is a consistent virtue of my administration. And since we're tapping the county's savings to do it, you'll be getting less for more for a long time to come."
The proposed spending plan, which must be approved by County Commission to take effect July 1, is actually up $7 million from the current year's budget, representing slightly more than a 1-percent increase.
The mayor explained that the increase was based on Knox County Chief Financial Officer John Troyer's ability to "squeeze more blood from a turnip - the ones that have just fallen off the truck are always easy targets."
Though the budget includes some spending cuts, Ragsdale is proposing dipping into the county's rainy-day funds to match revenues with expenditures. In all, Ragsdale anticipates tapping the county's various savings accounts for $20.4 million, nearly twice as much as the $11.8 million in this year's budget and an increase of $8.6 million.
Of the raid on the county's savings, Ragsdale would said only, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain with the hand in the cookie jar. Nothing to see here, move along, move along."
The slightly-more-is-actually-less spending plan will fund 100 percent of the school system's budget, albeit only because deep cuts, including teacher layoffs, have already been made in the school budget. Similarly, community grants will be slashed in half, down to $1 million and money for equipment is down from $3.4 million to a mere $576,000 next year.
"This is a do-less-with-more budget," Ragsdale told a full house at the Bijou Theatre downtown. "This budget focuses on critical tax needs with no frills. We considered taxing frills, but decided there weren't enough frilly things around Knox County to make it worthwhile. So instead, we're focusing on a 1-percent spending increase while cutting the things we spend it on. But hey, you can only do so much with these old taxes."
Sales tax revenues are down about 5 percent this year, but property taxes have increased 3.5 percent over last year, and property tax revenues make up a much larger share of the budget than sales tax dollars. This led Ragsdale to express his gratitude to Property Assessor Phil Ballard for managing to increase property tax collections and significantly bumping up property assessments even as property values plummet.
"Big shout-out to Phil there," said Ragsdale. "Couldn't have done it without you, big fella."
Ballard appeared not to have heard Ragsdale, as he hastily exited the theater as the mayor called out to him.
County commissioners filing out of the historic theater said they were pleased that the budget features all old taxes but noted that they would scrutinize the numbers.
Commissioner Craig Leuthold said the budget "sounds good, but as always you've got to look at the numbers, because sometimes, when you stare long enough at numbers, they start looking really weird and freaky, and then you start giggling. "
Commissioners R. Larry Smith, Mike Hammond and Mark Harmon said they want to take a close look at take-home vehicles to find ways to cut their number in half.
"If we cut them in half, then nobody can use them, and everybody will be happy," said Smith.
Commissioner Dave Wright said he wants to see numbers that performed magic tricks.
"I wanted the numbers to move sideways or down," said Wright, crestfallen. "We'll just see about that. No moving numbers, huh."
Commissioner Hammond expressed disappointment that the mayor had declined to include his"talk tax" in the 2010 budget. Hammond had initially proposed the fee last fall, which would have imposed a $50 talk tax on county officials who talk the most and say the least. Hammond said that, with the 2010 budget focusing on doing less with more, the tax on those who talk most while saying least seemed a natural fit.
"While I applaud Commissioner Hammond's ingenuity in finding new and exciting ways to extract cash from citizens, this is an all-old-taxes budget, and including the talk tax would have upset the apple cart," responded Ragsdale. "Besides, he proposed cutting the number of take-home cars in my office, and I'm having just a little bit of a snit about that."
But Hammond says he has now revised the talk tax and will propose it for adoption at the next county commission meeting. His revised plan would focus on citizens rather than politicians.
"The new levy would be imposed on people who incessantly talk on cell phones, BlackBerries, Blueteeth, and other electronic devices in public," said Hammond. "I call it the Yackety Tax."
Hammond said that he's hopeful the Yackety Tax will gain traction with his fellow commissioners at their next meeting.
"Since the levy's going to be imposed on mere citizens instead of county officials, I'm optimistic of backing from most commissioners," said Hammond. "I think they'll be especially impressed when I reveal a twist I just developed on the tax, too. The beauty of the new thing I have for the Yackety Tax, the real bonanza, is that it would impose escalating fines on anyone who protests it! That's its patented 'Yackety Tax - Don't Talk Back!' feature. With it, we get the gold mine, and y'all get the shaft."
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County Commission, Mayor Discuss Important Things
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Reacting to rumors that important details of the county's 2010 budget would be leaked before County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's budget address on Tuesday, Knox County Commission called an extraordinary session early this morning and asked the mayor to attend. At the meeting, commissioners asked Mayor Ragsdale to promise that he would share any developments surrounding the county budget with the commission before they were released elsewhere.
The mayor insisted that he knew nothing of such rumors, but agreed that if there were anything to share, someone from his office would communicate something to commission first.
"I don't know what to tell you. I don't anything about these rumors," said Mayor Ragsdale at the meeting. "But you can rest assured, if anything happens, someone will tell you something."
"How can we be sure someone will tell us something, when it seems like no one's taking responsibility for nothing in this matter?" retorted Commissioner Paul Pinkston.
"I don't think it's fair to characterize this as, um, no one not taking responsibility for nothing," countered Commissioner Mike Hammond. "The mayor is someone. He's addressing the issue. That's something, not 'nothing.'"
"Well, if this is what he calls his 'something,' I'd hate to see his nothing," quipped Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert.
"I think we can all agree that no one wants to see anyone's anything," said Commissioner Sam McKenzie.
"Let's not get distracted by pointless minutiae," replied Commissioner Mark "Mmm" Harmon. "The point under discussion is the mayor's assurance that someone will tell us something if anything happens."
"Someone most certainly will tell you something if anything happens," interjected the mayor.
"But anyone could get up here and say the same thing," protested Commissioner Finbarr Saunders. "Just because you say someone will tell us something if anything happens, it doesn't mean that anyone is going to tell us anything. There's nothing to anything you've said."
"And nothing from nothing is nothing. You better have something if you're going to talk to us," added Lambert.
"Nothing could be further from the truth," rejoined the mayor. "If anything happens, someone will tell you something."
"Well, where is this someone then?" demanded Saunders.
"Oh, heavens to Murgatroyd! Not the somewheres, anywheres and nowheres," exclaimed Commissioner Ivan "I," Harmon. "If you go there, we'll be here all night."
"Why should this meeting be different from any other?" joked Lambert.
"I'm confused," interjected Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith. "The mayor said someone would tell us something, and then somebody else said the mayor was someone. So is the mayor the someone who'll tell us the something, or is the someone somebody else?"
"Yes, this is something that nobody has addressed yet," replied Commissioner Craig Leuthold. "The mayor assures us that someone will say something, but he doesn't say who this someone is or what that something will be. So the someone could be anyone or it could be no one, and the something could be anything or nothing, because something can mean a lot of things - if you know what I mean."
"Yes, I think I do know," said Commissioner Amy Broyles. "Despite what the mayor tells us, we don't know anything about what anyone is doing. What you're saying is, 'I don't know who is doing what,' right?"
"No, that's an Abbott and Costello routine," replied Leuthold.
"You mean this isn't?" said Broyles.
"So who is this someone?" queried Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D. "Does anyone know? Anyone? Anyone?"
"It's not anyone. I don't know who it is yet," said the mayor.
"You don't know? Don't you know your own people?" said Smith.
"Yes, but this someone could be any one of them," said Ragsdale.
"Someone is anyone? I thought someone was you," said Smith.
"I'm not someone, I mean I am someone, everyone's someone, I'm just not this someone, and this someone could be anyone, because we've designated no one as the someone to tell you something yet," barked the mayor.
"Let me see if I got this straight," said Smith. "You're telling us that someone will tell us something if anything happens, but this someone could be anyone, so right now no one is someone, and if something happened, no one would know anything, and we would be told nothing because nobody is doing anything yet, so nothing is the something we'd be told by the nobody who could be anybody who will be the somebody who will say something if anything happens, but nothing's happened, so nobody's saying nothing. Is that right?"
"Exactly," replied Ragsdale.
"I wish I understood what I just said then," said Smith.
"Can't you just tell us who will say what?" demanded Leuthold. "Say something other than, 'Somebody will tell you something, but I don't know what!'"
"Look, if anything happens between today and tomorrow, you all will be first to know, even if I don't know who will be telling you what," Ragsdale replied.
"I thought What was on second," commented Broyles.
"Yes, Who was on first, What was on second, and Today and Tomorrow were in the-" Leuthold began, but I, Harmon cut him off with, "Stay out of the outfield. We're confused enough now."
"Can we focus on the thing in front of us, please," pleaded McKenzie. "Do we know anything more than we did when we started this?"
"I think I know less!" joshed Lambert.
"Why should this meeting be different from any other?" retorted Mmm Harmon.
"I'm not putting up with this 'who, what, someone, something' nonsense anymore," said Briggs. "I move that we vote to agree that someone - who could be anyone - from the mayor's office tell us something if anything happens."
"I want a promise that somebody will tell me something if anything happens, and I want to know who the somebody will be and what the something is that they will tell me," demanded Pinkston.
"But I don't know who will tell you what!" cried the mayor. "I just know someone will tell you something if anything happens!"
"Wait a minute, is who going to tell us what, or is someone going to tell us something?" asked Smith.
"Who's-" began Broyles.
"Stay out of the infield!" howled a chorus of commissioners.
"Look, I don't-" began the mayor.
"You say, 'I don't know who will tell you what,' one more time, I'm going to make a motion we censor you," warned Briggs.
"Ok, well, I promise that someone-" began the mayor again.
"Who could be anyone," interjected Briggs.
"-yes, will tell you something-" continued the mayor.
"-which could be anything-" interjected Briggs.
"-if anything happens," they completed in unison.
"Who is anyone?" said Smith. "I thought someone was anyone. Or was that the mayor?"
"Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh," lamented Ragsdale.
Deliberations continued for 5 more hours. Finally, on a vote of 16-3, commission agreed that they were better off not knowing who would tell them what, whether someone ever told them something or not.
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County Toots Horn for 'National County Government' Week
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. Knox County is tooting its horn over its role in "National County Government" Week, May 3-9 - and county officials say they want you to do the same.
At a press conference this morning, Dwight Van de Vate, Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale's chief of staff, said, "We're so excited about announcing Knox County's participation in National County Government Week, we want to toot our horns about it! We'll be tooting on plastic kazoos and cardboard noisemakers at noon today, and we want the citizens of Knox County to join us! At lunchtime today, if you're in your vehicle, honk your horn in honor of your favorite county official or employee."
Knox County has teamed in a special cooperative effort with the Knoxville Tourism & Sports Corp., to promote the week. "Toot Knox County's Horn" will be the promotional slogan, said KTSC President Gloria Ray, and giant kazoos will be installed around the county, which, when tooted upon, will play a "fun-filled phrase that says something interesting and useful about Knox County."
"We're sure they'll be an enormous hit," said Ray. "And they were a steal at only $5,000 to $17,000 each."
National County Government Week is intended to raise awareness and understanding about the roles and responsibilities of county government, which county officials will use "to showcase the kind of high-quality services we offer right here in Knox County," said Van de Vate. "Our theme for the week will be 'Best Practices of Good Government.' We'll have examples. And they'll all be tootable."
He went on to explain that Knox County government reflects the many roles and responsibilities counties all across the nation have.
"Here in Knox County, these roles including the provision of sinecures for political allies, the expansion of perks for supporters, the maintenance of expensive fleets of take-home vehicles, the charging of frivolous items to P-cards, the mismanagement of slush funds, the lack of oversight of nonprofit programs and the potential to serve as a springboard to run for other local or state offices," said Van de Vate.
Knox County Commission Vice Chairman Craig Leuthold was also on hand to explain the many functions county commission serves.
"We give TIFs to developers to build unneeded strip malls, maintain local political power bases, hold endless meetings to discuss, deliberate and not resolve many issues of critical concern to citizens, extend contracts to healthcare facilities with questionable reputations, fight, bicker, squabble, argue, name-call and much, much more," said Leuthold. "We have a lot to toot about."
Former Knox County Trustee Mike Lowe, in a statement released through his attorney, Greg Isaacs, made the case for tooting the important contributions made by the county fee offices.
"Without the fee offices, several phantoms and more than a few ghosts would be unemployed," read Isaacs. "And people who couldn't find a job in the private sector would have no place to go if not for the county fee office. And when I say 'people who couldn't find a job in the private sector,' I mean people who, if private sector jobs were a map and they were the spot marked 'YOU ARE HERE' on it - these people would still be unemployed."
"Most importantly," added Van de Vate, "For every tax dollar wasted or misused, county governments provide citizens with 10 times the entertainment value of comparable city governments."
Mayor Ragsdale appeared briefly at the send of the press conference to make a personal observation.
"I want to assure our citizens that, despite tooting ourselves during National County Government Week, we in Knox County government know that our government is not perfect," said Ragsdale. "No one could be more aware of its les-than-tootful qualities than us. That's why we are focusing on 'Best Practices of Good Government' this year. Yes, there have been missteps along the way, but we have to practice those missteps to make them the best missteps possible to carry us to a brighter and more elegantly dressed future, one in which you will be proud to toot our horns."
Preliminary plans for National County Government Week are already underway. Several family-friendly events will be held. County officials will also offer several workshops, including:
-- "Self-Interrogation Techniques: How to Get to the Truth and Clear Yourself even when You're Not Cooperating," by Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale
-- "How to Deal with Difficult Phantom Employees," by Knox County Trustee Fred Sisk
-- "Bringing Fee Offices to Accountability - Exercising Your Frustration," by Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D.
-- "Profiles in Governmental Tact and Decorum, with Personal Examples," by Knox County Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert*
-- "How to Keep a Straight Face," by Knox County Mayor's Chief of Staff Dwight Van de Vate
Events will continue to be added to the program of events for National County Government Week, May 3-9, and citizen input is welcome. To provide your input, just find one of the giant kazoos set up around the county and toot your idea out in a jaunty tune. County officials say "someone will be listening."
*After the workshop, Commissioner Lambert will conduct a multi-handgun salute** in honor of the late actor Charleston Heston.
**The number of handguns in the salute depends on the number of concealed-carry enthusiasts in attendance.
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Commission to Redraw Districts into Animal Shapes
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. The magic number for transmogrifying Knox County Commission districts into cute animals is 42,042 or so. That's the target range members of the Knox County Redistricting Committee must reach when reconfiguring commission districts this spring.
The committee, composed of citizens and commissioners, met for the first time Wednesday to begin charting the course required by the federal "Voter Interest Enhancement Act," which compels local municipalities to introduce "a sense of fun and whimsy, even" into local political districts in an effort to generate more voter turnout.
The committee is also working to comply with an amendment to the county charter reducing the size of the Knox County Commission from 19 members to 11, because, as the amendment states, "19 commissioners is just too many for citizens to keep track of."
There will still be nine districts, but they must be redrawn, because the 5th District is larger than the other districts and currently has three commissioners instead of two, which is really three more commissioners than any district wants to deal with.
Most Knox County commissioners were on hand to lobby for their pet creatures, including Craig Leuthold, Mike Hammond, and Commissioner Colonel Doctor Richard M. Briggs, M.D., who were jockeying for position on the horse that the 5th District will become.
"I warn you, I'm riding that nag to victory in the next election, and neither of you will stand in my way," proclaimed Briggs. "Unless, of course, I'm running for mayor, in which case you can fight it out between yourselves."
Hammond, who is term-limited from serving in the 5th District again, replied that he'd be running "neck and neck" with Briggs in the mayor's race if Briggs chose to enter, while Leuthold, who is also term-limited, appeared to be eying an at-large commission seat.
"I like the idea of an at-large seat because I won't have to dress up like a horsey or a doggy or a trained seal or whatever to run for it," explained Leuthold.
The 2nd District will become a donkey, which is no surprise, since it's often been in Democratic hands. But Commissioner Mark Harmon, who represents the second district, had a novel idea.
"Could we make it like Donkey from Shrek?" asked Harmon.
"Heh, and then the 9th would take the shape of an ogre, right?" commented Chairman Thomas "Tank" Strickland, of the 1st District.
"The 9th District will be the elephant in the room," returned Commissioner Paul Pinkston, who represents the 9th.
Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert, who represents the 6th District, had in mind a different kind of beast altogether for his district.
"I want the 6th to be in the shape of a developer," said Lambert.
"That's much too frightening," said committee Chairman Rick Emmit. "Would you settle for a gerrymander?"
"He can't have the gerrymander!" protested Commissioner Finbarr Saunders. "I need that beast for the 4th District."
"No, no," countered Commissioner Tony Norman. "The 3rd District needs the gerrymander!"
"Now, now, boys," chided Emmit. "Everybody will have to make concessions for this process to go smoothly."
"Um, what is a 'gerrymander'?" asked Saunders' district-mate, Ed Shouse.
"It's a mythical beast, like the Jabberwocky," replied Mark Harmon.
"Yeah, well, whoever tries to take the gerrymander out of the 4th District, I'm going to seize my vorpal sword and go all bandersnatch on his behind," warned Saunders.
"That's frumious bandersnatch," corrected Harmon. "And the vorpal sword would go 'snicker-snack,' not 'bandersnatch.'"
"Would you be quiet?" said Saunders. "This is serious!"
"Now, now, calooh, callay, my beamish boys," interjected Emmit. "If we could focus on the task at hand...?"
The meeting was still in session as this story went to press.
Mayor Mike Ragsdale, in a statement released through his chief of staff, Dwight Van de Vate, said he would have no statement on the redistricting plan, "because I'll be leaving office when it takes effect. But I pity the next fool who must rule Knox County's own 'Animal Farm.'"
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County Commission Resigns from Itself as Commissioners Seek to Obey Law
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. In a stunning display of exaggerated caution, Knox County commission took steps this morning to bring themselves into compliance with the law regarding membership on boards and committees by resigning from itself.
"Effective immediately, the entire 19-member Knox County Commission is resigned from itself," announced Knox County Commission Chairman Thomas "Tank" Strickland at a special meeting on the issue this morning.
"It's not as if most of us weren't already resigned to our lot anyway," added Vice Chairman Craig Leuthold. "But trying to suss out this law was really putting a dent in our sense of importance. Knowing that whether we chose to err on the side of caution or courage, there would be those who criticized our choice, we decided to make the best of a bad situation and just go ahead and err."
"We just got to the point where it seemed the logical thing to do," said Strickland. "Sorting through who's on finance and what's on steering, and I don't know what else, it just seemed like we should just go ahead and step down and show people where they'd be without us. You're gonna miss us, mark my words. Ordinary citizens aren't going to find qualified people to serve. You can't get by without our political appointees' specialized knowledge of law and things."
The law, according to Law Director Bill Lockett, is backed by a state Supreme Court ruling and a state attorney general's opinion and states that commissioners can't serve on boards or committees if they make the appointments to those panels. However, commission has appointed itself or its members to such a welter of committees and panels that commissioners can no longer keep track of who belongs where, and confusion reigned as the members tried to figure out what law applied to which board and which commissioner should resign from what panel.
"I'm on the rules committee," called out Commissioner Brad Anders. "Do we appoint that?"
"I don't want to have to resign from the Cable TV Committee," declared Commissioner Mike Hammond. "I like to watch."
"I like to play board games," interjected Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert. "Does this mean I have to stop?"
"Am I on any boards?" queried "Our Larry Smith plaintively. "I have trouble keeping things straight in my head."
"Well, I'm on the Board of Zoning Appeals and I'm not resigning and there's nothing y'all has-beens can do about it," gloated ousted Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore. "This is just your dessert for kicking me out. Dessert is a revenge...no, no, wait...A cold dessert is the best...that's not it, a board that's cold to sit on is...ah, the heck with it, a cold beer board is best served on! So there."
Ultimately, commission decided the best course was in fact for the body to resign from everything, although some stubborn holdouts held the meeting up for a time. Eventually, though Commissioner Mike Hammond agreed to resign from the BZA once he learned that it would commissioners' resignations would put the board on hold and thus get up in the face of Scoobie, and Commissioner Dave Wright announced in disgust that he was resigning from all committees as well as the human race.
However, wanting to keep their hand in, commissioners en masse appointed their entire 19-member selves to serve as the Beer Board, since state law says the whole legislative body may serve. Previously, only a portion of the body served, although it was unclear which it was.
The Board of Zoning Appeals will be suspended this month, much to Scoobie Moore's dismay.
Knox Area Super Bowl Predictions
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. With Pilot Travel Centers President and CEO Jimmy Haslam rooting in Super Bowl XLIII for the Pittsburgh Steelers, a team of which he is now a minority owner, other area officials weighed in on the big game. Haslam's brother, Knoxville Mayor Bill Haslam, said that he would be rooting for the Arizona Cardinals because of "friendly sibling rivalry."
"Jimmy and I have always been a little competitive," acknowledged Haslam. "So if he's got the Steelers, I'm taking the Cardinals. D'ya hear me, redbirds? Whup some Pitt butt!"
In his last official act before resigning his term-limited seat on City Council, Knoxville Vice Mayor Mark Brown said that the Knoxville City Council would unanimously line up behind Mayor Haslam.
"We discussed it among ourselves on Market Square the other day, pulling in several passersby to share their opinions so as not to violate the Sunshine Law," said Brown. "We were all in agreement that we saw no reason to fight the mayor on this issue and could unanimously support him on his Super Bowl initiative. Go Cards!"
Former County Commissioner Diane Jordan, who is rumored to be interested in Brown's council seat, is also supporting the Cardinals, but not out of solidarity with the mayor.
"No, it's because those Steeler outfits are so drab, although those Cardinal costumes could use some sprucing up, too," remarked Jordan. "Accenting those helmets with some strikingly iridescent plumage would be a fashionable touch. And if elected to council, that's what I'll bring: innovative ideas and fashion sense."
The city may have a consensus for Arizona, but sentiment among Knox County officials is more divided. Commissioner Richard Briggs, for instance, is pulling for the Steelers.
"If you apply my 'Reasonable Man' standard to this question, you must arrive at the conclusion that the Steelers will win," explained Briggs. "Because a reasonable man would understand that I hate, hate, hate, hate, and let me just add, detest, despise, loathe, abhor and execrate the Cardinals."
County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, however, has his own reasons for cheering the Cardinals on.
"I'm supporting the Cardinals because the cardinal is a legendary bird, rising from the ashes of Phoenix, and I'd like to think we all have within us that power to pass through the fires of crisis and, by the time we get to Phoenix, to find ourselves renewed by our journey through those terrible flames," said Ragsdale.
Dwight Van de Vate, chief administrative officer for Ragsdale, in a rare moment of conflict with his boss, said he is supporting the Steelers.
"Well, in part it's because the mayor is a little mixed up on the legend of the Phoenix, and getting it confused with a Glen Campbell hit just annoys the Bee Gees out of me," explained Van de Vate. "But mostly it's because I've been a Steelers fan all my life. They're tough, they're gritty, and they're a proven, winning program, and I like going with winners. When I can, that is."
Commissioner Mike Hammond said he is backing "whichever pays the most back to their community in taxes."
Former county commissioner and current Knox County Board of Zoning Appeals member Scott "Scoobie" Moore said he had his pick for the Super Bowl, but "I ain't telling you, because I don't have to tell you nothing no more."
Commissioner Paul Pinkston also knew his pick, but likewise refused to share it.
"I don't see why we should give these predictions away to the media," said Pinkston. "Why couldn't we sell them and put the proceeds toward the pension fund?"
Commissioners Thomas Strickland, Samuel McKenzie, Amy Broyles, Ivan Harmon, Tony Norman, Finbarr Saunders, Ed Shouse, Craig Leuthold, Brad Anders, Michele Carringer, Bud Armstrong, Dave Wright and Mike Brown also declined to make a Super Bowl prediction, citing possible Sunshine Law violations and general apathy toward the event.
Hometown connections were important to Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert in his Super Bowl selection.
"I have to go with the hometown connection," said Lambert. "Which team has the most ex-Vols on it?"
Informed that neither team's roster included any former UT Volunteers, Lambert replied, "Oh, I'm rooting for the Tennessee Titans then."
Commissioner "Our" Larry Smith also had to choose a hometown favorite, saying, "I'm going with the Vols because I think Coach Pearl is finally getting them turned around."
Commissioner Mark Harmon had the most unusual prediction, saying that both teams would win.
"After all, aren't we all winners on the big football field of life?" queried Harmon philosophically.
Sheriff J.J. Jones' department refused to reveal his prediction, saying the information was only available on a need-to-know basis.
"We'd have to cross-reference various records to provide that information," said Sheriff's Department Spokesperson Martha Dooley. "It's not just in the form of who we think can beat whom. There're statistical packages and SWOT analyses and psychological profiles we'd have to go through. This isn't as simple as saying, 'Well, Martha Dooley likes Pittsburgh,' you know."
Mixed Reviews for "County Gov Audit: The Quadrilogy" Finale
Critics call it "more of the same," director Ragsdale says cuts during post-production "ruined his vision"
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. "Review of Community Grants," the fourth and final installment in the Knox County Government Audit Quadrilogy miniseries opened today to decidedly mixed reviews. Director Mike Ragsdale quickly disavowed the final product, saying changes made in post-production took the focus off the wild and unrestrained nature of the community grants program and instead zeroed in on mundane procedural elements. Critical reaction was less than kind. "We've seen it all before," could sum up the sentiment.
"What we did with the grants program was creative and artful," said Ragsdale. "It was all about life and community and outreach and stuff. This audit, it's all about rules and procedures and guidelines, and it's deathly dull, dull, dull. Yes, the grants program was chaotic, sure, the best records weren't kept, and, OK, maybe a lot of the grants were insider-trader-ish. But you know what? So what! We were playing outside the box, drawing outside the lines, coloring outside the boundaries, thinking outside our brains! While we ran the grants program, we lived a lifetime's worth of dreams."
Critic Paul Pinkston, no fan of Ragsdale's work, immediately attacked the piece.
"This is what we've come to expect from Director Mike Ragsdale," said Pinkston. "Nothing new here, just the same lack of focus, the usual inadequate attention to detail, the all-too-common missing storylines and the heavy reliance on the same stock characters. Naturally, it's not going to approach the mastery of Yamada Yoji's acclaimed samurai trilogy, or even the level of Kieslowski's 'Three Colors' trilogy. As conclusions to serials go, I suppose I'd rate it better than 'The Matrix: Revolutions,' and nowhere near as good as 'The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.' But at least no one gets crowned king at the end of this one."
"Well, I don't know how bad it was," said sometime critic Craig Leuthold. "It's obviously pretty muddled, there's no real drama, and you don't get that satisfaction of good triumphing over evil. Also, it's fairly rote, with all the same conflicts as in the earlier chapters, like restraint versus indulgence, discipline versus disorder, or paper money versus plastic P-card. And of course one might hope to see a little more direction from the, you know, director, rather than the slapdash, throw-the-main-parts-together-and-let-the-assistants finish it-up feel this has. But you know, as fourth installments in series go, it doesn't sink to the level of, say, 'Rocky IV' or 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,' in the sense that it doesn't go all jingoistic, and it doesn't jump the shark, or 'nuke the fridge,' as I understand the term is now applied to the Indiana Jones movies."
Ragsdale expressed disillusionment in Knox County Auditor Richard Walls' interpretation of the grants program.
"For years, we poured our hearts and souls into that program, and it was a great program, a wonderful program, a program vibrant with the pulse of humanity," said Ragsdale. "So after an 18-month wait, we're disappointed to see our lively vision reduced to numbers and tables and conclusions. Who cares that guidelines weren't followed, or some few paltry grant payments didn't match the budget, or that minutes weren't recorded or contracts kept? The important thing is, the program did operate and continues to operate, bringing love and joy and money to all and sundry, plus to many people we know. So we're turning away from this flawed and incomplete product, and turning our vision to our new and improved community grants program. Yes, we're proud to announce that we've got another sequel out of turnaround and in development: 'Community Grants Program: Spreading the Wealth Better than Ever.' It's sure to be a hit."
Gaping Sinkhole Opens Under County Pensions
From APB Reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. A massive sinkhole opened underneath the county pension funds, and hundreds of county pensioners have already toppled into the ever-widening chasm. The hole threatens to swallow the entire Knox County budget, and finance director John Troyer says more than cash may be needed to fix the problem.
"Normally, when a sinkhole opens under your pension, you just fill it in with money," said Troyer. "But this one is so huge, so enormous, so gigantic, I mean, we're talking drop-a-pebble-in-and-never-hear-it-hit-the-bottom big with a capital "B"-"I"-"G," it's so big, it's a sinkhole that's livin' large, if you know what I mean. So, we may have to look at alternatives."
Troyer estimated the hole to be "Ten to fourteen million dollars deep and several fiscal years wide."
Troyer wasn't sure what alternatives the county could pursue to fill in the hole, but he noted that "all options and every department" were on the table.
"And everything that's on that table may need to be pushed off into the hole," Troyer said. "Because if we don't stuff something in that yawning maw, it's going to swallow the table, too. Maybe we can push all the county-owned vehicles into it, maybe we push Mini-Mayor Manor into it, maybe we start building human pyramids out of county employees to climb out of it, I don't know. What I do know is, we're gonna need a bigger stimulus package to fix it. Maybe we need to start stimulating citizens with little zaps of electricity every time they pass on an opportunity to pull out their wallets and spend some dough. Maybe we need to take cattle prods to them, I don't know."
Knox County Mayor Mike Ragsdale said he'd try to come up with a no-new-taxes budget for the next fiscal year, but with the pension sinkhole looming ever deeper, he also noted that he was thinking of ways to prepare Knox Countians for a tax increase.
"The county may have to sponsor a 'Hike for Taxes' walk to raise awareness of the county's need for more money to pour into the pension hole," said Ragsdale.
The mayor also had an idea for raising revenues.
"Hey!" said the mayor. "What about putting on a show? Like they do in the movies! We'll have dancing and singing and reading to kids! We'll have lotsa laffs! We could call it 'The Knox County Follies!'"
But Commissioner Mark Harmon protested that Knox County already had more than enough folly to go around.
"What we need," said Harmon, "is a thoughtful, considered, reasoned, measured, rational, attentive and reflective approach to formulating a plan to determine a method to devise a means to arrive at a way to deal with the sinkhole. And then we'll probably need to raise taxes."
Commission's Vice Chairman Craig Leuthold begged to differ, saying, "Don't raise taxes, cut the hole in half. See, if we could just cut the hole in half, then we'd only have half a hole to deal with, and a half hole is better than a whole hole."
Commissioner Richard Briggs said a tax increase can't be ruled out but said, "We need to apply my 'Reasonable Man' standard to the sinkhole. What would a reasonable man do with a sinkhole? My opinion is with the difficult economic times, what he'd do is build a swimming pool out of it. Or he might try to reason with it, or possibly ignore it. But a reasonable man would just say 'no' to property tax increases."
Commissioner Mike Hammond said what was needed was a creative approach to finding things to tax.
"Perhaps we could tax citizens who visit the County Commission's online Spat Room," mused Hammond reflectively. "But then again, since we use it so seldom, that wouldn't raise much revenue. What about taxing local bloggers and online message boards? If we taxed everyone who visited the likes of "No Silence Here" and "KnoxViews" and all those other annoying online pundits who are critical of us, we'd raise enough revenue to fill that sinkhole straight through to China."
Hammond offered other alternatives as well.
"We could do a tax tax," said Hammond excitedly. "The beauty of a tax tax is that it's never-ending. Because if you tax a tax, then you have to tax the tax that's taxing the tax. And then you have to tax the tax that's taxing the tax that's taxing the tax. And then you have to tax the tax that's taxing the tax that's taxing the tax that's taxing the tax. And then- Well, you get the idea. It'd be sort of like Nietzsche's idea of the eternal recurrence, only with taxes: the Eternal Tax Return. And from that, we'd have an endless supply of money to stare down the pension void with."
Commissioner Paul Pinkston suggested that the county to sell a line of Knox County Action Figures to raise money for the pension hole. "Who wouldn't want a 'Commissioner Paul Pinkston with Kung Fu Grip' action figure?" explained Pinkston. "We might even do a 'Read with Me Ragsdale' figure. And who could resist buying a 'Tickle Me Lumpy' doll for their grandkids? We'd bring in more than enough to fill the hole, I'm sure we would."
Commissioners Face Baffling Mystery Over Intake Center
"We know we want to spend more than a little on it, but we can't figure out how much a lot is," says Commissioner Craig Leuthold
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. It's no mystery that Knox County commissioners want to spend millions of dollars to build a combination green space/jail intake processing center next to the City County Building.
The mystery, even to commissioners themselves, is how much they want to spend to build it.
"I don't know how much they want to spend," said Dale Smith, CEO of the Public Spending Authority. "I just know they want to spend, spend, spend. All they said was, 'Build it, and they will be processed."
Commissioner Richard Briggs, who proposed the project after spit-balling with the sheriff's office and the mayor's office, came up with "a ballpark figure," he said. "That is, I think the intake center should cost at least as much as a ballpark would. At a minimum."
But Sheriff Jimmy "J.J." Jones and Knox County Chief Financial Officer John Troyer said they don't know if a jail intake center should cost as much as a ballpark.
"I'm sure a lot of ballplayers end up in jail," said Troyer. "But does that mean we have to have an intake center fitted with concession stands?"
Smith said the only way to spend a whole of money on such a project is to get an architect, engineer and construction manager and pay them a little less than a lot to do an analysis that should contain several options for spending a whole lot more.
The City County Building straddles Hill Avenue, and the intake center would be built next to it. A secret passage underneath Hill Avenue would connect the intake center to the City County Building, making for an easy transition between political offices and prison cells.
According to Smith, the project would require costly solutions to unforeseen obstacles, "because there are always unforeseen obstacles, because if they were foreseeable, then they wouldn't be unforeseen, and unforeseen obstacles are always costly, because what's the sense of using 98-cent terms like 'unforeseen obstacles' if they're cheaply circumnavigated?"
Initial estimates might have to be circumvented, he said, and creative engineering might be required to pierce the price ceiling of the bids.
Ballpark estimates have drawn fire in the past, Smith said.
"The East Tennessee History Center expansion for years was listed on the county's Capital Improvement Plan as costing 'about as much as a Ballpark Frank,'" Smith pointed out. "But once the project began, the real budget came in at $18 million, which put a whole lot of relish on that one dog."
"That's what I'm trying to avoid," Smith said. "Because I hate relish on hotdogs."
Because money for the study isn't in this year's budget, commissioners are tossing around ideas on how to spend money they don't have. Briggs suggesting using proceeds from concession sales at Tennessee Smokies baseball games, apparently unaware that the Smokies moved out of Knox County a decade ago. Commissioner Paul Pinkston doesn't care if Peter robs Paul to pay for the intake center; he just favors spending the money.
Commissioner Mike Hammond, though, said spending a little money right now on the study isn't prudent, because he likes saying "prudent."
"I just cannot vote for that, not in these uncertain economic times when it wouldn't be prudent, because we might start spending and run out of funds for it," Hammond said. "Let's wait until we can spend like a drunken Sarah Palin on an RNC-funded shopping spree."
Ragsdale said the project should be reviewed in context with other spending.
"There's going to be an incredible amount of spending we're going to want to do," Ragsdale said. "As good as we've gotten at talking Knox Countians into letting us spend their money, we're going to have a hard time justifying to them all the spending we want to do."
Despite the cautionary tone, Ragsdale said he supports spending whatever it takes for the intake center.
"We do need to spend money on a new intake center, there's no doubt about that," Ragsdale said.
Jones hasn't claimed that an intake center would save much money; rather, he's argued that it would allow him to spend money differently.
Jones said moving the intake center to the lawn of the City County Building would allow him to reassign 20 of his 30 transportation officers to the patrol division. Jones reckoned that the Sheriff's Office has enough cruisers for the transferred officers but supposed he might have to hire additional corrections officers to staff the new facility.
"Look, you've got to spend money to earn more and different ways of spending money," Jones said. "Everybody knows that."
Commissioners, for the most part, seem ready to spend more. They charged Smith, Jones and Troyer a consulting fee for finding a way to pay for the construction analysis.
Briggs said the primary question is whether spending the money for the facility is needed.
"But it's sort of a moot primary question because I say the answer to that would be an unequivocal yes," he said.
"This is a public safety issue," said Commissioner Brad Anders, who is a KPD sergeant. "When you've got too much money that's not being spent on intake centers, then that cash might start burning a hole in someone's pocket, and that's a safety hazard."
Commissioner Craig Leuthold said he is "100 percent in favor" of the spending money but noted that spending a little money to study the matter makes spending a lot of money on construction a foregone conclusion.
"If we're going to spend a little money, then we must spend a lot of money," he said. "The logic is irresistible, like Lay's potato chips. You can't eat just one chip, and you can't spend just a little money."
Commissioners will spend time on the matter again in January.
County Commission Delays Inevitable
"How many decisions can we avoid before looking wishy-washy?" asks commission
From APB reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. It took the Knox County Commission three hours Monday to decide that postponing action on any of the significant items before it couldn't make it look much worse than it already looked.
So commission decided to:
-put off the sale of Hillcrest nursing homes
-postponed funding for rehabilitation of the 5th Avenue Hotel into Mini-Mayor Manor, which would house hopeless politicians as part of the city-county Ten Year Plan to End Chronic Political Hopelessness
-and delayed addressing the potential changes to commission that Charter Amendment Question 3 will bring.
On a motion by Commission Vice Chairman Craig Leuthold, commissioners agreed unanimously on a voice vote to hold off any action until a certified appraisal of the political fallout from these actions and an assessment of how it might affect commission's reputation are conducted.
County Mayor Mike Ragsdale, who proposed the sale of Hillcrest, will set up meetings at each of the three Hillcrest properties in an attempt to engender sufficient emotional outcry from Hillcrest staff and residents to make commission look callous and unfeeling.
The mayor has proposed selling the Hillcrest properties, now owned by the county, to Hillcrest Healthcare Communities, the operator, for a song and a trifle, despite the company's periodic censures.
Hillcrest Healthcare has also stepped up the pressure with an advertising blitz and a call-your-commissioner campaign, apparently hoping to turn commissioners into submissioners.
But questions have arisen from commissioners on how foolish this sale might make them look if another healthcare organization were to offer considerably more than a song for the properties.
For example, officials from two other nursing home companies attended the meeting and expressed an interest in the properties.
John Someone, vice president of Cornerthemarket Health Care made a pitch to get the properties.
Somone has proposed buying the properties for $18 million to $22 million, "which is a lot more than a song and a trifle," he noted. "That's more like a whole aria. Or a concert, even."
Using Someone's numbers, Commissioner Richard Briggs said the song/trifle figure that the administration would sell Hillcrest for is "vastly below market value."
If Cornerthemarket bought the properties for $20 million, adding interest and taxes over 30 years would net commission "considerably more positive vibes from our constituencies," Briggs said.
Peter Parker of Spider-Management Consulting Co., said his company has been pursuing the properties for 18 months.
"We'll catch them yet, because Spider-Management always gets its man, " Parker said. "But we're proposing to hold them on a lease. You can always get out of it, unless we entangle you in our webs."
About 50 staff members from Hillcrest attended the meeting and broke out into loud applause whenever a point was made in their favor. Fans of the opposing teams were not as organized and could only muster scattered clapping.
However, Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert said the deal has not been "completely negotiated."
In addition to the stipulations in Leuthold's motion, Lambert said the county needs to ensure that whoever finally makes a decision on the property makes a "long-term commitment to take care of our reputation. This deal is not ready for us to rush into because we don't know which way the political winds are blowing yet."
Commissioners were similarly cautious in their approach to Mini-Mayor Manor and the changes to commission proposed by Charter Amendment Question Three. By unanimous voice vote, commission agreed to delay consideration of the ramifications of Question Three "until somebody makes us."
Several commissioners said they want indemnity from political repercussions if they agreed to the funding for Mini-Mayor Villa. Project director John Lawler faced many pointed questions in this regard.
"Mr. Lawler, if we vote on this without doing due diligence like you want, don't you think our constituents may start sending moving vans to our houses," asked Commissioner Mark Harmon.
"Could be," replied Lawler.
"Then why should we not delay voting on your funding?" asked Harmon.
"Because then you risk looking spineless," said Lawler, in an astonishing display of candor.
"Well, in that case, if you insist on our voting now, I'll insist on putting off or voting no, so there," said Harmon.
"Mr. Lawler, you're pushing and pushing this and saying without our committing funds right now, you may lose other funding commitments," said Commissioner David Wright. "So, what I want to know is, if we postpone a decision on this until January, will this problem go away, maybe?"
"No, we'll still be here with our hands out," said Lawler.
"So you won't go away even a little bit?" persisted Wright.
"No," confirmed Lawler.
"Then will we look pretty wishy-washy by postponing this for two months?" asked Commissioner Sam McKenzie.
"Probably," affirmed Lawler.
"How 'bout for a month?" asked McKenzie. "If we postponed dealing with it for a month, would that be showing firm resolve in the face of a difficult issue?"
"Possibly," averred Lawler.
"All righty, then, I make a motion to postpone thinking about Mini-Mayor Manor for a month," said McKenzie.
The motion passed on a voice vote, the meeting was adjourned and most members bolted for the doors, except Commissioner Paul Pinkston, who could still be heard trying to ask a question as the other commissioners' retreating footfalls faded.
Commissioners Flog Dead Horses
Other topics merely talked to death
From APB Reports. KNOXVILLE, Tenn. In a grueling Monday meeting, Knox County Commission beat several dead horses and talked other, once vital matters, to death.
In making a motion to sell the county's State Street property, Commissioner Mark Harmon proposed that commission, "Natter natter natter natter. Natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter money natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter natter."
In rebuttal, Commissioner Scott "Scoobie" Moore said, "Yammer! Yammer yammer yammer! Yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer TIFF yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer (catches breath) yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer developers yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer yammer."
Commissioner Mark Harmon then amended his previous motion, saying, "Chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter chatter."
Utterly confounded, Commissioner Greg "Lumpy" Lambert proposed to divide the motion into three separate matters, natter, yammer and chatter.
"I'm utterly confounded," said Commissioner Lambert, "and I don't want to make things worse, but if we divide this into natter, yammer and chatter, then I at least think we can proceed with more babble. That is, I mean, babble, babbble, babblebabblebabblebabblebabble and babble. If you take my meaning."
"I prefer prattle, yack and blather!" interjected Commissioner Paul Pinkston. "And I'm not just running off at the mouth!"
Commissioner Graig Leuthold then offered as an alternative gibbering, but Commissioner Richard Briggs disagreed, saying gibbering was not enough or possibly too much, and suggested gabbling instead.
"Gabble, gabble, gabble, gabble, gabble, gabble, gabble, gabble, gabble, and, in closing, maybe we can get $5 million for it. Oh, and I almost forgot: Gabble."
Commissioner Amy Broyles felt compelled to comment on the proceedings.
"I just want to add that, and I say this with great love for this august body, that this commission seems to have an infinite capacity to tattle," Broyles said. "We just rattle tattle tattle tattle tat tat. That's what we do, rattle rattle rattle tattle tattle tattle tat tat tat. And then we rattle tattle tat some more and then we might rattle rattle rattle tattle tat a bit and then we'll add a little more rattle tattle rattle tattle rattle tattle tat to that. Here a rattle, there a tattle, everywhere a tat tat. And I just wanted to observe that. So there. Rattle tat tat."
Ultimately on an 11-7 vote, it was agreed to prate, blabber, and palaver on the State Street property.
In other matters, commission:
- Voted 12-6 to harp on one thing.
- Voted 13-4 to linger on another thing.
- Voted 13-4 to run another into the ground.
- Voted 15-3 to belabor several other points.
But on a vote of 19-0, commission declined to make a federal case out of it.