text:
Let's be aware of real flaws in C theory and practice, but this seems like a straw man to me. Any citations?
Any citations?
This may, in fact, be a valid criticism. That whole thought bubble was kicked off by aggregating advice from counselors gleaned from SI. Obviously, I don't sit in counseling sessions with everyone here, so it could be that what I've heard (way too often) is biased reporting -- or simply partially understood concepts -- and things are really more nuanced.
What I do know is that we frequently see people report "I told my spouse repeatedly that there was a problem", but very infrequently do we see that a solution was proposed, and it usually is followed by some variety of "...and they blew me off".
So maybe it's not fair to level the criticism at counselors and better to level the criticism at methods of implementation. And even then, it's probably not right to use the word "criticism", but more of a "let's be mindful when we're approaching a situation about our responsibilities to the problem if we decide to raise it" situation.
I agree that this has been an enormously productive conversation about navigating relationships (even post- or sans- infidelity). Historically for me, one of the biggest issues I have to own is that when a problem is identified, sometimes my first reaction is to try to invalidate it because I just don't want to change my routines. Instead of empathizing with my wife, I choose to view it in terms of how it's going to inconvenience me.
I really liked hardlessons discussion above about the fact that sometimes there are no solutions, and a valuable part of the process is just agreeing to accept that things are the way they are for now. (I mean, per that example, if the barrier to spending more time together is that one spouse works 70 hours a week, it's easy to say you should work fewer hours and give that time to bonding with your spouse -- but that's going to require mutual sacrifice, possibly a lowered standard of living, because there's less money coming in. So it needs to be clear that if we're collectively going to prioritize us-time over work-time, then there's going to be less cash flow, and having to give up the cable bill or giving up our out-of-town weekend once a month can't become a source of resentment going forward.)
I've been saying for years that men have bought into the myth that women know about relationship stuff more than we do. I think this thread is Exhibit A that we've got just as good a grasp on the nuances of navigating relationships responsibly as anyone else.
Finally, this bit by FacePunched really resonates with me:
I would imagine that in order for us to be where we are now, in the world's second worst club (first goes to the people on "Locked-up Abroad"....sweet Christ, it's brutal), we all let our hard boundaries (if we had any) be violated in some manner. For me, I allowed my WW to hang out unaccompanied with male friends in a scenario where alcohol was present. That's not hanging the A on me, just saying that particular area was something I should've stomped on instantly, and I didn't for a number of reasons. I didn't want to be THAT jealous guy. I felt secure in my relationship. I was definitely the more social creature, so I was happy she was branching out. ...and a bunch of other reasons.
I didn't want to be THAT jealous guy. I felt secure in my relationship. I was definitely the more social creature, so I was happy she was branching out. ...and a bunch of other reasons.
I still remember when my wife was starting to go off the rails, I sat her down a few times because I didn't think the way she was behaving was appropriate for a married woman (staying out late partying with xOM and his ex-wife, sleeping over at their house, etc.).
When she shot me down enough times, I eventually stopped bringing it up and said to myself "She's an adult. It's not my place to tell her what she can and can't do." The root of that was that I had to acknowledge that I also didn't really want someone else telling me what I could or couldn't do, either.
So, as FP suggests, I didn't want to be THAT guy. I moved my boundaries of what was tolerable because I was sure that if I insisted on things now, there would be a price to pay later -- and I'd have to acquiesce to whatever demands she might make in the interest of equality.
To some extent, that was all okay when I still believed that even though she was being irresponsible, leaving me with the kids while she spent the night out carousing, etc., that there were certain lines that she simply would not cross. Now I know better. Now I know what the possibilities are -- and even though I 100% believe that my wife now wouldn't cross those lines again, the old logic doesn't cut it anymore. I have an obligation to stand up for my own boundaries.
"Anyone who says that they're great at communicating but 'people are bad at listening' is confused about how communication works."
Historically for me, one of the biggest issues I have to own is that when a problem is identified, sometimes my first reaction is to try to invalidate it because I just don't want to change my routines. Instead of empathizing with my wife, I choose to view it in terms of how it's going to inconvenience me.
I used to try to invalidate problems and/or feelings when I felt that they weren't reality-based. Case in point: my wife used to complain about me not helping with our son enough...I just kind of went with it, but after a while I got tired of hearing it, so I sat down one day and figured out, on a weekly basis, the amount of time we both spent with various child-related activities. Turned out, I actually spent MORE time with him, doing more activities. I pointed it out to her the next time she brought the issue up....and herein lies one of my biggest issues. How do you go about validating someone's feelings when you feel as though their feelings are based on an issue that is not based in reality?
I still remember when my wife was starting to go off the rails, I sat her down a few times because I didn't think the way she was behaving was appropriate for a married woman (staying out late partying with xOM and his ex-wife, sleeping over at their house, etc.). When she shot me down enough times, I eventually stopped bringing it up and said to myself "She's an adult. It's not my place to tell her what she can and can't do." The root of that was that I had to acknowledge that I also didn't really want someone else telling me what I could or couldn't do, either.
This is a sort of weird area for me. My wife only started exhibiting really erratic behavior during about the last month of the A, which is when it became sexual, if I believe what she's told me. That's when she started fights over little things, as an excuse to leave the house. I should say that's what she TRIED to do, but I never let it get to that point, due in large part to the fact that when I ask where she would go, she didn't have a clear answer. Before that, I never noticed anything even a little bit off. Oddly enough, even during that time period, if I had flat out demanded her phone or email passwords, she almost definitely would've given them to me, because she knows if she refused, I would've sensed something was up for damn sure, whereas with the passwords and such I might look from time to time and find nothing. Anytime in the past I asked for them (pre-A), she handed them over with no hesitation, plus I don't keep my stuff locked down. Again, it's letting my boundaries slip...I could've asked for that info post-haste, as soon as I started wondering, but didn't for fear of how I'd come across, as jealous. I was in the mindset of "Well, what if I DO ask, and then look, and there's nothing there....then I just look like a controlling asshole..."
I really liked hardlessons discussion above about the fact that sometimes there are no solutions, and a valuable part of the process is just agreeing to accept that things are the way they are for now
Agreed. I'm fine with the "no solution-solution", provided that's what we mutually agree upon, and you don't try to use the lack of a solution against me later. In the past when we'd reach an impasse, I'd suggest counseling as a way to figure some stuff out, which my wife balked at (back then) because she has/had a whole shit-ton of CSA/FOO issues she's avoided dealing with for years, and she knew that those things would come up at some point.
And finally...I dug this WAL post out of an old thread , and IT resonated with ME, so figured I'd put it up:
This is, once again, a me thing that may not apply to others. If I take the high road when someone has tried to hurt me -- whether they were successful or not -- when I look in the mirror, I don't see something be proud of. I see myself as a wuss for letting them get away with it, for daring to think they could. I'm much happier looking in the mirror knowing that they tried to hurt me, but it was their little red wagon that got busted. It takes a great deal to provoke me, admittedly, and I'm enormously easy going, but once that switch gets flipped, I'm not fighting fair and I'm not stopping until I win, even if that means burning the relationship to the ground in the process.
I'm much happier looking in the mirror knowing that they tried to hurt me, but it was their little red wagon that got busted.
It takes a great deal to provoke me, admittedly, and I'm enormously easy going, but once that switch gets flipped, I'm not fighting fair and I'm not stopping until I win, even if that means burning the relationship to the ground in the process.
This is where I'm struggling right now with regards to the POSOM. I want to bust his little red wagon in some way. I can look myself squarely in the eye for attempting to R with my wife for any number of reasons. But it's much harder to look myself in the mirror without thinking that some asshole who was supposed to be a really good friend did this to you. Not by himself, I get that, but he still participated. He fired the opening shot in a war that I'm not allowed to partake in. And worse yet, he's been running around during the course of the whole A telling everyone what an asshole I am, and post DDay, sent my WW a FB message (which she promptly gave me) explaining that she should inform *me* that *I* don't want a war with *him*, cuz it'd end badly for me. It's like North Korea hitting the U.S. with a ICBM, and then us not responding due to the larger consequences...but then afterwards Kim Jong Un runs around telling us and everyone else "Yeah, fuck those guys, they don't want a war with me!", knowing full well we could wipe them off the map, given the time, chance, and incentive.
I'll probably never do anything. The consequences of my actions would be too severe. But that's it. That's the only thing stopping me. I derive zero satisfaction from 'being the better man.' Z-E-R-O. I suppose in an ideal world, he'd off himself from some combination of shame and depression, and I'd go to his funeral and tell everyone what a terrible person he was. That's as close as I'm likely to come to satisfaction. And it's driving me nuts...I mean, I have gut-wrenching pain almost daily about my revenge-ey desires.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:00 PM, March 16th (Saturday)]
Not that it matters. I think it applies either way.
That could just be the way I'm built, though. I'm a revenge guy, so I have trouble feeling even regret when I've repaid harm for harm. That's why I've never gotten the bit about "life well lived" being the best revenge. I like revenge. It satisfies a deep part of me -- the planning, the execution, all of it.
It takes a while to get on my shit list, but once you're on it, I'm afraid I'm rather relentless until my desire for justice is satisfied.
In fact, that was one of the ways I knew that reconciliation with my wife was possible: no matter how much I wanted to inflict an equal amount of pain, I restrained myself where she was concerned. Yes, part of that was that I didn't want to model that relationship dynamic for my kids, but most of it was just that I cared for her too much to be as brutal as I would have been under different circumstances, with somene else who had chosen to "go to war" with me on such an intimate level.
This is also why I don't give a bunch of revenge-based advice on threads like that when they pop up. I'm convinced that most people aren't revenge types. They will come to deeply regret immersing themselves in that muck. (For the record, I also believe that nearly all affairs are rooted in revenge. As soon as you justify it to yourself, you've come to believe that your partner deserves to be hurt in that particular way. That's what revenge is -- believing someone else is worthy of being harmed.) If you're not a revenge person, you're never going to get any satisfaction out of it...just the sense that you failed your own moral code or whatever. That's why I stay out of the topic -- I don't want to inadvertantly encourage someone to hurt themselves.
If you are a revenge guy, you don't need anyone to tell you it's okay. You just know, so it doesn't occur to you to ask whether or not it's acceptable.
For the record, at 6.5 years from D-Day, trying to reconfigure myself as a person whose default is forgiveness and understanding rather than revenge -- especially when the hurt is egregious -- is one of my self-work tasks. I don't know that I'll ever see it as something done from a position of strength, but the religious side of me says that I'm allowed to be weak in that regard. My job is to do what God expects from me and trust in his sovereignty.
Results thus far are mixed.
I don't remember...did I write that about WW's or about OM's?
I like revenge. It satisfies a deep part of me -- the planning, the execution, all of it.
In fact, that was one of the ways I knew that reconciliation with my wife was possible: no matter how much I wanted to inflict an equal amount of pain, I restrained myself where she was concerned.
Re: My Wife, I'd say along similar lines. The few times I let slip what I'd like to do to the OM, my WW was not thrilled with that brief glimpse into my pysche, and wondered aloud why I don't want revenge on her, since she's as guilty, if not more. My only answer is that historically I've always been ridiculously forgiving (probably too much so) of the ones I love. My dad is like that, too. I don't have the time and/or patience to constantly worry whether a loved one is going to stab me in the back. I don't forget, I just stop actively worrying about it.
I'll leave the topic of revenge alone, because I know how the general consensus on here plays out, and I can feel the 2x4s a comin'. I'll leave with two of my favorite quotes.
The lion cannot protect himself from traps, and the fox cannot defend himself from wolves. One must therefore be a fox to recognize traps, and a lion to frighten wolves.
People should either be caressed or crushed. If you do them minor damage they will get their revenge; but if you cripple them there is nothing they can do. If you need to injure someone, do it in such a way that you do not have to fear their vengeance.
Peace out. I'm off to feed the man-child and watch American Psycho.
Sorry for not responding back until now (especially after WAL's excellent post, all the discussion it's created... and even a re-post in LTA).
Anyway, since I've always been a kinesthetic learner, it took me over a week to fully digest WAL's original post and subsequent replies. (BTW, I also nominate that post for "Healing Library material).
Since printing and reading/rereading the post and replies, I've tried to play them out in my mind and apply the information to the last 38 years... with reference to my own situation. I have to tell you that there have been a lot of "Ah-Ha" moments for me in doing that. Most of these centers around my codependency issues back then and especially my knack for conflict avoidance. I became a master at avoidance, when it came to not standing up for myself in my M. Note that is not me beating myself up over the past... just a true reckoning of how I operated back then.
One of the many paragraphs in WALs post that resonated with me was...
If you ever had the thought, "Boy, if that was any woman other than my wife, I'd say that was pretty hinky behavior", you know what I'm talking about. If you ever watched a buddy just absolutely get his shit reamed by his bitch-wife and thought, "Man, that reminds me of that one time my wife...", then you also know what I'm talking about.
This seems a really simple concept to understand now... but back in the day... back when I was blinded by my codependency, conflict avoidance, unconditional love/trust... whatever I choose to call it now... I couldn't even begin to contemplate this for any length of time. Let alone fully grasp it. I did have moments where this light would come on and flicker momentarily in my mind always during stbxWW's verbal, nonverbal & inaction abuse. However, without the explosion caused by the discovery of her LTA, 11 months of false R and subsequently filing for D, it would have never sunk in to the degree it has now. I guess in a sick twisted sort of way, I should be thankful to stbxWW for finally opening my eyes to her true self and the fact that I deserved more from our relationship.
So being still codependent, fast forward to 2 months after d-day and my vain attempt to R with stbxWW. I now come to this insightful piece from WAL's post...
The default shouldn't be reconciliation, not without that honest inventory of your betrayals list that forces you to ask yourself if this person was ever really fit for marriage with you -- because it's going to be clear from her justification pattern that she's got a whole raft of pre-A issues that she's still itching to take you to task for, even while she's telling you out of the other side of her mouth that her A was the price you paid for that multitude of sins.
Bingo, bongo, ditty bop... and the post fog clarity, or should I say cleansing of the last 38 years continues...
Heres a perfect example of the above, and how fucked up I was back then. I remember reading through some of the 1000's of email convos between stbxWW and OM. I came across one where they were discussing how "they" (me & OMBW) deserved to be cheated on... because "we" were such pains in their asses & unable/unwilling to give them what they needed. I also remember after reading it, how I bought into their psycho babble thinking they just may be right. It's unbelievable for me to wrap my head around now... but it shows what a mind fuck codependency can be and the load of absolute bullshit a codependent will allow him/her self to buy into. I truly couldn't see the forest for the trees back then.
"ask yourself if this person was ever really fit for marriage with you"
Damn!... this one really caused me to reflect and dig deep. Looking back, I now realize that stbxWW was the antithesis of my personality when we married. That has gotten even worse as we aged. Where I have always been (for the most part) outgoing, optimistic and willing to accept change she is introverted, negative and like an Ostridge when anything remotely challenging arises. Im not saying that she is evil because of her personality, just that it is the complete opposite of mine and that I now fully understand it.
What love does not do is call the truth a lie, and a lie the truth. Love doesn't pretend that the abuser is not. It extends grace to the abuser in the hope that the abuser will become something better...and it also loves itself enough to care for its own needs and safety. Love does not break itself so the abuser can feel better about who they are while aspiring to nothing.
Huh another Ah-Ha moment here. During our 11 months of false R, stbxWW and I were both going to IC every week. While I cant comment on what was happening in hers, I was beginning to grow by leaps and bounds. Every week I began to discover new things about myself and recover from my codependency and other issues. During that time, I was also turned on to spirituality and mindfulness by another councilor I saw. While I didnt press any of this on stbxWW, I would tell her about it now and then. She finally told me that while she was glad I was rediscovering myself, it also scared her to death. She admitted to me that she felt like the new path I was on would bring me to realize I didnt want her or our M anymore. She pressed this issue even more during the last months we were together. Initially when she told me all this, I actually contemplated giving it all up as my codependency kicked in again and I told myself that maybe I needed to give it up to be successful in R and save our M. Thank God I wised up and pulled my head out of my ass before going this route. I did try in vain to explain to her that what I was working on in myself was helping me grow as a human being and that there was nothing to be afraid of with regard to our M. I told her that due to this growth, I was even more committed to making our M work.
None of us should settle for less than we deserve from those we love. We've made that mistake in the past, and we've seen how it ends. You want real love? Demand as much as you give. If your partner isn't up to it, accept that and move on to someone worthy of you -- all viewed through the lenses of honest self-reflection and grace. You can still grade on a curve, but if you're tempted to change the answer in the teacher's edition of the textbook, then chances are you're going to far.
Its funny, but I now realize that ALL her fears and what she admitted to me about rediscovering myself were nothing more than outward expressions of her own brokenness and low self esteem. It had absolutely nothing to do with her loving me, nor any desire to continue to R or save our M. What she was really afraid of was that she wouldnt be able to have control over me any longer that I was gaining knowledge, self esteem and realizing how fucked up it was for me to just be a doormat for her. She was seeing me become less and less codependent everyday and was realizing for the first time in 38 years that my world didnt solely orbit around her anymore. In its essence, her whining to me about what I was becoming was nothing more than another layer of abuse whether conscious or subconscious. In my book, true love doesnt deprive, stifle or deny growth and happiness. It doesnt run away in fear because it cant understand. And it most certainly doesnt try to control or place demands on self worth. In my book, the exact opposite (unselfishness) is ALLWAYS the truest expression of love. That love shouldnt be offered to someone (or yourself) with a price tag or fine print but rather with true unselfish humility otherwise the giving of it tends to get skewed and/or perverted. Im done with false love. From here on out, if I cant have love offered with unselfish terms, I choose not to accept it and move on.
And for the love of God, always remember that you know yourself better than anybody you're married to/dating/in a relationship with. If they're full of shit, trust yourself well enough to acknowledge that they're full of shit (or FOO or childhood trauma or whatever other base they might be working from).
I dont want to get off on a spirituality tangent here, but I just finished watching a movie called The Shift. Anyone who is familiar with Wayne Dyer will know what this is about. For those who dont, its about finally realizing what is important to YOU as you mature and evolve in your life. To find out whom you really are and want to be. As I now see it, this can be especially important as it applies to relationships. For me, it applies in the sense that I now believe I personally have begun my own Shift. I am finally beginning to realize that I deserve to be happy and that I am the only one in the universe that can truly make that happen. Also, that I can still be caring, compassionate and give/share happiness without being codependent and sacrificing my own dignity as a human being. Im not there yet, but Im really starting to enjoy this new journey.
As WAL so aptly put it Peace.
[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 12:50 AM, March 17th (Sunday)]
The biggest flaw I see in modern relationship counseling is this bullshit idea that when we identify a relationship problem (i.e., something my spouse is fucking up), that our sole responsibility is to bring that to their attention. Tell them you have a boundary and won't tolerate it any longer. ... Certainly there are a lot of fucked up counselors, none of the stuff I've read ever suggested that a problem can be solved with passive-aggressiveness. Let's be aware of real flaws in C theory and practice, but this seems like a straw man to me. Any citations?
The biggest flaw I see in modern relationship counseling is this bullshit idea that when we identify a relationship problem (i.e., something my spouse is fucking up), that our sole responsibility is to bring that to their attention. Tell them you have a boundary and won't tolerate it any longer.
Let's be aware of real flaws in C theory and practice, but this seems like a straw man to me.
Now on to the point. If we are to accept those with professional credentials and jobs as the authority on this stuff, we should examine the background that informs their position. Not just the educational background, but examine the motivation behind their choice.
I would love to believe in a world where everyone was so altruistic and self aware that they chose to focus on the field where they were most suited to helping people. I am not that naive. People generally put in the kind of effort required to gain credentials when it has some personal meaning to them. In the midst of this shit storm, I actually spent some time on google to see what it would take to become licensed as a marriage counsellor to specialize in infidelity. I have recently had some extensive dealings with social workers regarding my BIL, and I can say that many, if not most, of those who I encountered, if not employed in the social services field, would be clients of it. I see no reason to believe that everyone who chooses to become a therapist or psychologist is doing so because they are a happy well adjusted person who wants to help others. They usually develop an interest in it because of their own issues.
When I first went to MC, I found the idea of having a female MC/IC to be appealing, thinking it would be easier to talk, because who wants to be telling this shit to a guy. What I found was an extreme gender bias, with enough training to conceal it. One actually went so far as to use private sessions with my STBXWW to aid her in the conduct of her affair by revealing confidential information from my sessions (while refusing to reveal any information about what my STBXWW had told her during her sessions). The reason these women had gone into relationship counselling was to determine why they failed, or to learn how to manipulate relationships to get what they wanted (I am not privy to enough details to determine which applies).
Anyway, I do believe that with the collective experience here on SI, we are capable of drawing certain conclusions about various topics, after we filter the unreliable data. Lately, I have not been as helpful as I feel I should, because I spend a lot of time trying to filter. I have a really hard time addressing things based on logical fallacies, especially my current favorite which I call Reductio Ad Squirrel.
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
Note to writers everywhere, when you start telling a story, have some sort of a plan on where it is going.
Considering what a clusterfuck that whole series turned out to be, that is perhaps the only episode that still stands as worth watching again. Note to writers everywhere, when you start telling a story, have some sort of a plan on where it is going.
Hahaha. Totally agree. It's like Chris Carter had a REALLY solid plan in place through about halfway or so into the series, and then once the series' end (or at least the main arcs) started needing to come to a logical conclusion, he couldn't figure out where to go with it. I still feel like the stand-alone episodes hold up pretty well. The fluke episode, for example...or the one where they visit that hick town and when they relay the story to Skinner, Mulder and Scully have drastically different recollections.
When I first went to MC, I found the idea of having a female MC/IC to be appealing, thinking it would be easier to talk, because who wants to be telling this shit to a guy. What I found was an extreme gender bias, with enough training to conceal it.
My wife and I started attending MC after I started posting on here, and I'm really, really leery of this sort of thing. Just going off of what I've seen on here regarding peoples experience (especially the BS) with bad counselors essentially telling the BS, "Hey, if you were takin' care of business at home (sexually/emotionally/housework-ly), this never would've happened...", which as we know, is a crock of shit. We're still in our MC infancy, more or less, and so far, so good, but the worry is still there. She's called my WW out on her shit at least once so far. My main concern is that since I was the one who really pushed for counseling (for a long time, even pre-A), that if it starts to seem like we have a 'bad' counselor (to me), and I want to switch...it's just going to seem like I want to switch because things aren't going the way I want them to, you know?
But we're both comfortable with her, and so far she seems pretty solid, but we shall see. I was able to get some stuff off my chest last week...was supposed to be MC, but my son stayed home sick from school spewing from both ends, so she stayed home with him and I went by myself. It was fairly cathartic. A lot of our first MC sessions focused on our individual backgrounds, my wife's FOO issues-related background, and sort of how/why we were there. This was really only my second time to get all the frustration off my chest to someone who wasn't my wife, and it felt really good. The counselor basically told me (paraphrasing, obviously), "Hey, I know this whole thing is ridiculously painful for you, and we haven't gotten into the meat of the whole A yet. We will. You are handling all this like a champ." It just felt so, so good to hear someone tell me that. It was like an emotional hug. I've kept the entire A a secret from everyone, and it felt good to have an outside perspective to talk to.
On an unrelated note, I was hanging with my best friend the other day, and he told me he has thought about cheating on his GF lately. His GF may be my second least favorite person on the planet, and I'm 99.9% convinced she's screwing around on him, but I still ripped him a new one. He tried to throw all the standard excuses, "She doesn't do (this) or (that), and if she's not willing to, someone else will." I told him, yeah, someone else probably will. So break up with your GF and go find that person. He didn't like it when I informed him that cheating on her says more about him than it does about her, either.
Alright gentlemen, I'm off to the gym, have a good one.
My wife and I started attending MC after I started posting on here, and I'm really, really leery of this sort of thing. Just going off of what I've seen on here regarding peoples experience (especially the BS) with bad counselors essentially telling the BS, "Hey, if you were takin' care of business at home (sexually/emotionally/housework-ly), this never would've happened...", which as we know, is a crock of shit.
How you handle this disillusionment is absolutely critical. If you do nothing like me, you get cheated on.
I will use a very simple situation to make a point. Do you dare fart on a first date? You do that and my bet is you get no more dates.. right?
Its no different with hundreds of other things you changed after you got married. The I do becomes security. You are no longer trying to be attractive like you were in the romance phase of the M. Can I remind you of a common slogan..the ole 7 year itch thing.. We forget about romancing our Ws, they might even do the same to us, the sex drops, other attractive things, it is like a very slow bleed in the love bucket. Either the man or woman then may naturally switch focus to our jobs, our kids, hobbies.. The bucket gets very low on both sides.
Then you have a man on the opposite end. Perhaps exactly like you. He quits romancing his wife. She no longer gave him her sex. A few flirts, a few words.. Then the snake charming begins. Or how about this.. I know a man who once disliked his Ws controlling behaviors so much, he disqualified his wife to the point he made it a game to try and fuck married woman whos H were not paying attention. He did it with intent. It is done exactly like I said above.
The perfect storm.. A woman whos man started farting and a snaking charming man how natural affirmation is mainly wanting pussy. Unless you are strong at enforcing boundaries and keenly aware how you live your daily love life, a human in disillusionment will eat the apple. You are likely to either fall into the betrayer, or be victim.. Odds 1 of 3 infidelity. Look around folks at work, at church, at ball games, etc . 1 of 3.
Many people will take what I just told you and call it blame shifting. I am not blaming me for the choice made by my W, that was her choice not mine. She had no right to send me into a trauma. It was her responsibility to make sure I clearly understood she had feelings for another man. Her own fears prevented that. Nothing any one of us can do for choices other peoples make.
And then it becomes.. do you both want to try and make the M work.
So the pros are telling you to look at yourself very hard very honest.. what was it within me where when all this signs of not being loved, why did I react the way I reacted? Why did I let my W push me back under that rock? The pros are doing this you can now protect yourself in the future. Be a different man. Why? Because that is all you can control. You cannot fix your W, she must want to fix herself. And there things she must do on her own.
When you can truly be honest with yourself, then can discover the reasons.. You failed to stay attractive.. You failed to have good boundaries, which is an attraction in itself.. You then discover the secret to the healthiest marriages.
Men who are always attractive, always enforce those strong boundaries.. dont get cheated on. By the time they get to a point where a woman will cheat, she will be far gone. And a man happy will always have a woman who joins him mutually. She is willing and wants that man, she will do anything for this man. When he finds this woman, he is keenly aware and he fills all her needs, every one of those needs to the best of his ability. He expects nothing less in return from his partner. If he gets less, he brings on safe healthy conflicts.. if he see he us with an irrational woman not having the values of reciprocity, that man will dismiss that woman. No I do prevents this man from maintaining his own happiness. This man has courage. Most of us I bet had that once
Yeah, it's shitty to just let things go. I concur with the crock perspective, though. Plenty of guys romance their wives and they cheat. Plenty of women sex up their husbands and they cheat. The idea that they wandered off to cheat because of some influential behavioral deficiency in us is grasping at an illusion of control.
The idea that men who are attractive and enforce strong boundaries don't get cheated on is, just to state it plainly, bullshit. Stating and enforcing boundaries really only works like that when both parties are observing the rules. Cheating is kind of the fundamental idea of surreptitiously avoiding those rules in order to duck under the consequences of violating them.
Men who are always attractive, always enforce those strong boundaries.. dont get cheated on.
This...I don't know about this. You really think that guys that enforce strong boundaries and are always attractive don't get cheated on? Because, again, that DOES sound like blameshifting to me. Let's assume the opposite: that the guys that get cheated on, do so because they are unattractive and don't enforce strong boundaries? I take two issues with this:
1) You are, in one form or another, blaming the BH, no? As is oft-repeated 'round these parts: I will own my part of the marriage, good, bad, or otherwise. However, I had issues with my WW pre-A as well, and "fuck some other chick" was NOT on my list of acceptable remedies to the situation, whereas it WAS on hers. That means she wears the A.
2) You can enforce your boundaries all that you like, but some WW are pretty sneaky about it the A, wherein it may not appear your boundaries have been nudged. As WAL said earlier, any honest self-reflection would force almost every BH to admit that somewhere along the line they made little compromises with their boundaries...but we're ALL discussing these issues with the benefit of hindsight, and those boundary-crossing gaffes were made in the interest of compromise in a relationship we believed (probably, anyway) to be mostly healthy and nurturing. Any time that the doors get blown off the way they do post-DDay, EVERYTHING that has to do with flirting, or cheating, or 'boundary crossing' becomes more readily apparent.
To me, it's similar to when someone commits suicide. The first reaction is shock, but the second reaction is oftentimes to look for clues in the past that would lead you to believe that was a possible course of action for that person. Conversations and whatnot wherein at the time it seemed like venting, but with the clarity of hindsight was a cry for help. Now, clearly, if a friend told you that they were considering suicide (a boundary crossing of a different sort) you'd immediately recognize the problem and call a suicide hotline or something....but you're not going to call the suicide hotline every time that friend is venting, because in that moment, it would seem an overreaction, no?
This ^^^ happens in probably EVERY single marriage ever....but again, this is more in the chapter titled, "Why Your Marriage Was Susceptible..." and not the much, much longer chapter titled, "We're Sorry You're Here: Why You Wife Is (Probably) More Broken Than You" with a sub-chapter called, "But Don't Forget How Much You Fucked Up Before the A...Now Fix Thyself". There is a vast cornucopia of perfectly legitimate responses to marital issues that don't involve other people's squishy parts, and I'd reckon most of us here would've preferred any number of them over this.
By the time they get to a point where a woman will cheat, she will be far gone. And a man happy will always have a woman who joins him mutually. She is willing and wants that man, she will do anything for this man. When he finds this woman, he is keenly aware and he fills all her needs, every one of those needs to the best of his ability. No I do prevents this man from maintaining his own happiness. This man has courage. Most of us I bet had that once
This, to me, comes off as a reason to be a caveman, no? I put down my boundaries, I enforce them with an iron boot, and woe befall the woman who crosses them...and don't misunderstand me, I'm all for the application and enforcement of clear boundaries on both sides. Certain things are absolute non-negotiables, but I wouldn't have known what those are until this catastrofuck happened to me. Clearly, going forward, I'll be a lot more clear about where I stand in relation to certain actions. But you know what? Even if I backslide ALLLLLLLLL the way into Not-Giving-Two-Fucks-ville, if I never tell her again how pretty she is, or smart she is, or ever have sex with her ever again....if her 'love bucket' is drier than the Sahara....if she cheats? STILL on her. Because she could've divorced me. Even that being said, running around like an unapologetic asshole "'cuz it keeps the wimmenz in line" is not my ideal relationship model. Not saying that's what you are, but that's how I would feel if I broke out the jackboot in order to boot some WW ass every time I got a little wary.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:08 AM, March 18th (Monday)]
Plenty of women sex up their husbands and they cheat.
It's funny, in my case it was the opposite. Not related to the A, per se (this happened before), but my wife has always been really, really, ummm, picky about when we have sex. It's gotten better over the years, but it's still there. Now, anytime I wanted sex and got blown off, I was expected to just let it roll off my back and keep it moving along with my day. If I pushed too much, I got chastised (admittedly, sometimes playfully) about how she didn't feel like it. I wasn't getting reamed or anything.
But when she wanted to have sex? If I wasn't in the mood?
Ohhhh man. Total ballistic meltdown. Crying, the works, about how I make her feel unattractive, which transitioned into conversations about how I don't compliment her enough, etc. Side note: Telling your wife that you are not responsible for her self-esteem and/or repeating that quote about no one making you feel inferior without your consent is a perfectly valid, yet ill-advised course of action at this particular juncture. Trust me.
So eventually I got tired of the game-playing and I told her. I cut her off from my penis for 3 1/2 months. Not so much as a handjob. You'd think that this would bug ME, but I've always been able to sort of turn my sex drive off at will. She went nuts. Was it childish...probably, kinda sorta. I know that there are certainly more rational, communicatory-based responses to the issue...but damn it, I was taking a principled stand.
Oh, the point of this? Besides this 3 month-ish period, I gave my wife all the sex she could want, more or less. Didn't matter.
Sidebar over.
[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:20 AM, March 18th (Monday)]
Plenty of guys romance their wives and they cheat
Ok, fair enough.. I wont be so general this time.. Think the following bull shit? A woman can sniff this shit out.
Was that man romancing for one reason? To get pussy? His neediness to be affirmed with sex.. That man who thinks just rolling over grabbing tits.. never warming her up thought out the day with words, gifts, touch.. lets just give her 15 minutes or so.. Never slowly build the heat and fervor? Giver her a flower.. I romance you give me sex. what about that man who once is finished with sex just rolls over and passes out not holding caring enough to use that time for intimacy that a woman needs? Never touches his wife until it is time to have sex.. never rubs her back until.. you know that kind of romance.. The begging for sex.. the pouting man when he does not get sex.. The man who never stimulates his wife with sex stories..Man who never initiate sex. A man who never even makes eye contact with his W.. The man who romances but only concern is getting his own rocks off. Then Im done.. Did that man live off his wifes hard labor? Was there equality? How long did this man live off unemployment? Off his wife? What about a man who does not pull his weight around the house? What about placing the family security at risk with bad investment bad decisions, or while in search to achieve his purpose on bad ideas? She wants a smart, successful businessman! Did he do nothing for his own kids? What about how he spent the family money? He spent it on what was value to him and never considering his wife.. like a hobby for example. What about the respect he did not get by perhaps being a raciest? Cussing all the time? Never grooming himself A boring man who never stimulated his partners mind, never different.. same ole same ole.. What about him everyday not giving back to his community? Those roving eyes at the restaurant.. A man who flirts with other woman then says no big deal.. What about a man who does not appreciate what other do for him inside and outside the M? What about hardly ever building his wife up with approval? Affirmations DAILY What about living a man living his own life through his childrens? Youve seen those who try and make their kids who they wanted to be.. What about a man who never let his W have girlfriends to do what woman need to.. woman things What about a man too dependant on his W.. clingy? What about a man who cannot love his Ws family? He cannot control his own emotions enough to put up with that family? What about a man who is so particular he does not want to eat pussy and his wife wants that? What about the man who places his job ahead of his W? What about a man who will work 5 days away from his wife making that relationship a weekend relationship. What about a man who is constantly criticizing, complaining and whining? And does that toward his wife? What about a man who NEVER says thank you or appreciates what his woman does? What about a man who thinks things should always be done his way? Always telling his wife how She should be doing it or never allowing it to be done her way? A man who does not let his wife make choices? A man who never notices his wife when she had her nails done or bought a new dress.. what kind of wine she drinks.. A man who does not make out with his wife OFTEN. The man who does not keep his wife young
A man who hides things from his wife like his own masturbation or porn addictions The man who is addicted to drugs, pot or alcohol. What about a man who lets his health go? He does not work out to be fit? The man fails to give his woman the time, effort or resources in things she wants and needs? The man who never finds time to do things TOGETHER. A man who is easily angered at the simple things and bother by the minor things? What about a man who take the forceful approach to his relationship? A man who might allow his W to have sex with other men.. let that special part of her be with another man? What about a man who never defends his wife? Or didnt at a critical time? What about a man who never makes his wife laugh.. always serious? A man who does not talk to his wife about interesting things? A man who is not a leader but a follower.. Whatever honey The man who never touches his wife in front of others? Never says things in front of other is public to build her up? The man who never gives his wife time to re-energize.. The man who never makes his wife feel as if she is needed! The man never shows excitement for his wife The man always late.. Always putting things off until tomorrow and tomorrow. The man who forget birthday, anniversaries, important dates, valentines day.. A man who does not has faith in a higher power when his wife does A man wanting her to change into something she is not.. never or rarely willing to accept a compromise? A negative man.. never positive.. a man unable to be a leader in good things.. a man not willing to challenge bad behaviors she dumps on you.. A weak man.
How about those things?
If you were that man above.. Hallelujah.. I'm wrong.
[This message edited by trynhard at 9:29 AM, March 18th (Monday)]
Brother, she can file for the big D. ANY. TIME. SHE. WANTS.
And those items you listed? All acceptable reasons to not be with someone. Not acceptable reasons to stab someone through the heart.
Dependent upon the situation, divorce could suck. Will suck. Could be expensive. Could be heart-wrenching....but it still exists as an option.
She has options. Maybe the choice is between shitty options, but they ARE there.


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Schizophrenia For Dummies
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Jerome Levine, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist whose career has spanned almost 50 years. He is the Deputy Director of the Nathan Kline Institute for Psychiatric Research in Orangeburg, New York. Irene S. Levine, PhD, served as the first Deputy Director of the U.S. Center for Mental Health Services. She is a clinical psychologist and an award-winning freelance journalist and author.

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Samsung Galaxy S5 vs. iPhone 5S vs. LG G Pro 2
Monday morning, at a press conference at Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, Spain, Samsung finally took the wraps off the much-anticipated Galaxy S5, its newest flagship smartphone.
Though it's not the major overhaul from the Galaxy S4 that we expected, the shiny new phone sports a sharp and bright 5.1-inch screen, a 2.5GHz quad-core Snapdragon 800 processor, and a 16-megapixel camera. The device is also waterproof, inspired by the Samsung Galaxy S4 Active from 2013, and comes with a new fingerprint scanner similar to the iPhone 5S.
Samsung also gave the S5 a heart rate monitor, which … Read more


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A delightful European inspired tea or coffee cup from Juliska's Berry and Thread collection. Artful layers and round elegant shapes make each cup irresistibly romantic for joyful entertaining. Each set of four measures 3 inches in height and 4 inches in diameter. Dishwasher and microwave safe.
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Marblehead Little Theatre presents Brighton Beach Memoirs
Presented by Marblehead Little Theatre at Marblehead Little Theatre
January 27-February 5, 2012
Marblehead Little Theatre proudly announces the cast and crew for its upcoming production of Neil Simon's hit play "Brighton Beach Memiors". The show is being produced by Christine Dhionis and Kara Nelson and is being directed by Steve Black. The cast includes: real life brothers Owen and Alex Grover as Eugene Morris Jerome and Staney Jerome respectively, Ursina Amsler as Kate Jerome, Bobby Kerrigan as Jack Jerome, Meghan...
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Comment: Re:Shouldn't they start out small first? (Score 1) 185
That may seem like a victory but it's really just scratching the surface. Once you have cloned a mammoth what then? To establish a viable population you need genetic diversity, a minimum founder population of 50-100 individuals that should preferably be as distantly related as possible.
Keep cloning them from the same DNA sequence for zoos and such? Wildlife that's threatened by extinction because of us is fine, reintroducing wildlife that died out many thousands of years ago due to natural selection seems like an overall bad idea. Despite there being cave paintings of them, there's no place on current day earth where they belong in the natural environment. And even if we could set up such a preserve it'd have to be huge to function.


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Vitkac, Warsaw, Poland
Gold-tone and black calf leather waist belt from Lanvin featuring an adjustable press stud fastening to the side and a gold-tone gooseneck chain. Item ID:10334145
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About Me
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- watch only dubbed Naruto :D
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- between the Earth and the sky
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- reading, writing, singing, acting, watching naruto :D
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- Gaara and Naruto (cant choose)
- Nindo
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I think i finally understand the suffering and sadness of life, the joy. These are feelings that can be shared with those around me. It was Uzamaki, he's the whole reason my eyes have opened-Gaara
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Picture Dots: You know, for kids
File this one under "cute, but not there yet." One of the new Web sites that was showcased at Tuesday's New York New Tech Meetup was PictureDots, which falls under one of my favorite categories of Web 2.0: borderline useless time-wasters. Basically, with PictureDots you can create your own connect-the-dots puzzles, share them with your friends online, or print them out for your favorite kids (of any age). Kind of a cool idea, especially when you think of the procrastination opportunities.
But there's a downside. It's cute, but it's not particularly efficient. You … Read more


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Upcoming Events
- March 20, 2013 - Citizenship Film Series: Norma Rae
Bernardine Lecture Hall 6 to 9 - April 16, 2013 - Citizenship Film Series: To Kill a Mocking Bird
Miller Center, RACC 6 to 9
Programs in Planning
- The 2013-2014 Film Series will use feature films to focus on issues of Leadership
- Later this spring the O'Pake Institute will be announcing a Breakfast Seminar Series for Health Care Professionals. A monthly breakfast program on issues related to leadership and ethics for health care professionals.
- The inaugural event in the O'Pake Institute's Business Seminar Series will take place in September 2013. The topic will be Social Responsibility and Civic Engagement
Past Events
Citizenship Film Series
- September 2012: Iron Jawed Angels
- December 2012: It's a Wonderful Life
- January 2013: Do the Right Thing
- February 2013: Philadelphia
- February 2013: Network
The Director of the O'Pake Institute Moderated the Reading Crime Summit in January 2013 - http://readingeagle.com/article.aspx?id=444689
The Director participated in a trip to Detroit for Reading government officials and community leaders. - http://readingeagle.com/article.aspx?id=432745
O'Pake Institute for Ethics, Leadership, and Public Service
O'Pake Institute for Ethics, Leadership, and Public Service
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Do You Want This Woman To Be Your Next President?
Most recent messages by Pastor Tony Alamo
Is Keeping The Commandments of God "Legalism" And Is "Legalism" Evil?
Does God Permit A Single Woman The Right To Have An Abortion If She Is A Victim of Rape?
Have You Taken or Will You Take The Mark of The Beast?
Susan Alamo says NO To Government Religion!
Flourishing Like The Palm Tree
I Saw Jesus In A Vision While I Was Wide Awake
Reading Through the Bible Deuteronomy The Fifth Book of Moses
Some Historic Items from the Recent Past
Government Subversion The Truth About Tony Alamo
Pope Francis Charged with Child Trafficking
There is "a network of homosexuals" within the Vatican
Government Cover-Up
Child Abuse, Satanism, and Murder
Conspiracy of Silence the Franklin cover-up transcript
Excerpts from interview on USA Watchdog.com with Karen Hudes transcript
The Great Prophet and Teacher Enoch Ascended Into Heaven In A Chariot of Fire (UFO)
God Tells of UFOs and Is Sending Them
All About Heaven (And Today's UFOs)
Heavenly Angels Hovering Over Our Planet
The Army and Air Force of God (The Watchers)
Help Provide Bibles to Those in Need
Letters to Pastor Alamo and Comments on the Literature
Updated Mar 7, 2014
Another Pearl Harbor This is the reason why the FBI and all the different government agencies are after Alamo with a pack of lies. Those three girls that testified lied and they were brain-dirtied by the Cult Awareness Network which is now being called Wellspring.
Hear a former federal agent confess
Here is how the US Government is breaking the law of the land.
Article the third [Amendment I]
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
American Presidents And The Bible
The government is recruiting people to harass and attack us on the streets
We Are Intellectual Prostitutes
by John Swinton New York Journalist
10th Amendment Prohibits Government Controlled Marriage |
Families Who Fled--Their Stories |
Pastor Alamo is a Political Prisoner for Exposing the Vatican's One World Government
Pastor Tony Alamo is a victim of religious persecution. He was railroaded by the government. According to the 6th Amendment to our Constitution, everyone is granted the right to a trial "by an impartial jury." His jury was anything but impartial. There is no possible way for him to get a fair trial in the state of Arkansas. Pastor Alamo deserves the right to a new and fair trial in another state.
Pope Francis named by eyewitness as child trafficker
Revealed: publisher owned by the Catholic Church sells pornography
Clergy Sex Abuse Victims File International Court Case Against Pope
Catholic Sex Abuse and Cruelties Worldwide
Sex Crimes and The Vatican: Documentary of investigation into allegations that a secret church directive, issued by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger before he became Pope Benedict XVI, is being used to silence the victims of child sex abuse by Roman Catholic priests
Crimen Sollicitationis was written in 1962 in Latin and given to Catholic bishops worldwide who are ordered to keep it locked away in the church safe.
It instructs them how to deal with priests who solicit sex from the confessional. It also deals with "any obscene external act ... with youths of either sex."
Read the confidential document and more at:
read: The Jesuit Oath
Excerpts from Susan Alamo's Book entitled
You Damned Fool
Susan Alamo Speaks Out TV Shows
Articles of Faith of Tony Alamo Christian Ministries
click here for Audio Messages by Pastor Susan Alamo
Revival Begins In the Heart of the Christian
an Audio Message by Pastor Susan Alamo
Circuit Judge in Alamo Custody Case Dies |
Pastor Tony Alamo prophesied this would happen |
Chewing Their Tongues For Pain (Revelation 16:10) |
This is not the first judge to do this--there are several judges and officials that have come against God's work. |
Greg Szymanski Interviewed Pastor Tony Alamo |
on September 23, 2008, three days after the FBI stormed church property |
Government Child Kidnapping
$4,000 bonuses, Corrupt Child Protective Services
foster children abused and murdered by foster care providers
CA court upholds right to spank child
Tony Alamo (Bernie Hoffman) Cleared |
Church member cleared by police |
Arkansas State Police clear Church member |
Answers from the girls at the Tony Alamo Church |
video of Children taken by the Arkansas Dept. of Human Services
Waco Massacre Probe 'Experts' Behind Waco
More Inside Story on Waco Massacre
Pastor Alamo's audio message: The Waco Massacre
broadcast February 24, 2006
watch the 3 videos below:
"Day 51"
The True Story of Waco
click on the image to launch in external player
view: WACO The Rules of Engagement
view: WACO the Big Lie
Top Mafia figure, Tony Gambino, implicates Vatican and Bush
in prior knowledge and complicity in 9/11 Mass Murder
Listen to Tony Gambino interviewed
by Greg Szymanski
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Tony Alamo Christian Church
Hwy 71, Fouke, Arkansas
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Bag-in-Bottle system
Gaplast GmbH replaced the customer's four-part production process with the one-part AirLEssMOTION Bag-in-Bottle System. The new coextruded, blow-molded bottle consists
When activated, the vacuum built up by the airless trigger was not enough to separate the PP and Surlyn layers; therefore, Gaplast GmbH had to make two air ventilation holes in the outer bottle without piecing the inner pouch layer. This ensures that the inner bag collapses as soon as the trigger is activated. The holes also serve as an anticounterfeiting feature.
The new package retains the same functionality as the previous bottle, including 360º usage; constant dosage of the trigger pump, thanks to guaranteed delamination of the pouch away from the bottle; and an improved restitution rate, thanks to an eagerly "sucked out" inner bag. In addition, the airless technology and gamma sterilization after filling obviate the need for preservative agents.
According to Gaplast's customer, the new airless bottle has increased production efficiency by an estimated 60%. Connectors and gaskets are no longer needed; therefore, bottles can be fed directly to the filling machine. The reduction in parts not only saves production time and costs but also results in a more reliable system: Less parts means less risk of leakage or damage. In addition to savings in raw materials, the new package simplifies waste recovery when disposed of because the bottle and bag belong to the same polymer family.


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BOOKS: | Sci-Fi/Fantasy | Mystery/Thriller | Literature | Romance | Biography |
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Yelena is waiting to be executed for murder, when she is offered the chance to become the food taster for the Commander of Ixia. Unfortunately the training itself could kill her. She agrees and training begins. Valek, the advisor to the Commander, is in charge of her training. The first thing he does is dose her with Butterfly Dust. If she takes the antidote everyday she will be fine. However, if she tries to run away, she will die. To start her t...
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Nairobi, Kenya, 6 Oct 06
Mrs. Anna Tibaijuka, Executive Director of UN-HABITAT, held talks in Nairobi recently with Governor Peter Obi of Anambra State in Nigeria, the highest ranking elected Nigerian political figure to visit the agency
He was introduced to her on 18 September by Mr. S.O. Omene, the Nigerian Permanent Representative to UN-HABITAT on the sidelines of the Africities summit in the Kenyan capital. Governor Obi, in office for six months after winning a legal battle he fought over state elections contested in 2003, has shown a keen interest in UN-HABITAT and proving backing for the country's Habitat Programme Support Office.
Mrs. Tibaijuka, who commended his approach to human settlements problems, urged the governor to ensure that he adopt a pro-poor approach in urban management.


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Debate Over Letting Babies Cry It OutThe Sears Method (No Tears) Vs. The Ferber Method (Cry It Out)CHARLOTTE, N.C. - On average, a baby cries for 51 entire days in its first year of life. As a parent, it's never easy to hear your baby cry. "Oh my gosh, it breaks your heart it really does," says Melissa Bedancourt. There's been a long time debate about how to put your child to bed. The sears method (no tears) or the ferber method (crying it out). Many today are choosing the latter. Once mom or dad put down that crying baby they make the situation worse with things like the video monitor. Not only are they hearing the cries they're seeing their baby in distress. "I would just sit by the bed and stare at it," explains Bedancourt. Bedancourt uses the Ferber Method which trains the child to soothe him or herself to sleep. "At first she would definitely cry and we would just kind of leave her a few minutes at a time and we'd go in and check on her and then leave again and go an check on her so it took a while to get used to it." While your mother-in-law or grandmother may not want to hear it, new research says allowing an infant to self settle may be best. "And we're talking just a few minutes, not talking about hours. It's just a few minutes that the baby all of the sudden realizes 'oh someone is not coming in I'm still ok, I'm still ok in this crib I'm still safe, I'm going to try to go back to sleep'," explains Pediatrician Dr. Anitha Leonard. Leonard says while the ferber method works not all methods are for everybody. "Again because things are unpredictable, human beings and behavior are unpredictable we kind of have to go with what works." You'll know what you're doing is working when you and baby are well rested. Most Popular
Most Popular |


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Contact Us
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Community news briefs, Dec. 14, 2011
Published on Wed, Dec 14, 2011
Read More
Tribe hosts festive bazaar
The Lower Elwha Klallam Tribe hosts its annual Christmas Bazaar from 10 a.m.-4 p.m. Friday, Dec. 16, and from 10 a.m-3 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 17, at the Tribal Center gymnasium, 2851 Lower Elwha Road, Port Angeles.
The event includes jewelry, glass-works and many other gifts, as well as baked goods.
Dream Center hosts party for youth at risk
The Dream Center, 535 E. First St., Port Angeles, will host a holiday celebration for youths ages 13-24 from 3-6 p.m. Tuesday, Dec. 20.
Youths are welcome to drop in for food, games, music and gifts. Community donations for the party — food, gifts and game prizes such as bus tickets, $5 gift cards, socks and gloves — are encouraged.
The Dream Center provides homeless or at-risk youths with help in housing, employment, education and health, as well as basic needs.
To donate or volunteer, call the Dream Center at 360-565-5048.
Federal Employees not meeting
National Active and Retired Federal Employees, Chapter 1006, will not meet in December.
The next meeting will be held at 11:30 a.m. Tuesday, Jan. 25, at Paradise Restaurant, 703 N. Sequim Ave., Sequim.
PFOA opens pet food drive, bank
Peninsula Friends of Animals has started its annual Pet Food Drive. Participating businesses in Sequim are the Co-Op Farm & Garden Center, Grey Wolf Veterinary Hospital, Country Care Vet Service, Goin' To The Dogs, Sequim Safeway, Best Friend Nutrition, Frick's Home Health, Fabulous Nails and Changes Hair Salon.
The PFOA Pet Food Bank is open to all low-income families to help keep families together with their pets. To donate, visit the participating businesses, contact PFOA at email@example.com or call 452-0414 and leave a message.
Pirate 'pool party' on tap
The Port Angeles Library and William Shore Pool crew invite all children to a pirate story time at the pool (255 E. Fifth St., Port Angeles) from 2-4 p.m. Wednesday, Dec. 21.
Pirates-in-training are offered all-ages swashbuckling stories, followed by a free swim and an opportunity to "walk the plank."
Parents or caregivers are welcome to participate in the fun.
The program is jointly offered by the pool and the Port Angeles Library's Youth Services Department.
For more information about other Youth Services Events, call the library at 417-8502, visit www.nols.org or e-mail email@example.com.
'Funch' to fill holiday needs
Strait Occupational & Hand Therapy's next "Funch: Fun at Lunch" brown bag luncheon is from 12:05-1:30 p.m. Thursday, Dec. 15, at 708 S. Race St., Suite C, Port Angeles.
Bring donations of personal hygiene items for all ages to fill the gift baskets. Donations can be dropped off by those unable to attend the lunch. Dessert is provided.
Participants also may bring items for the Port Angeles Food Bank's Friday Food Bank for Kids.
Space is limited to 10. Call 360-417-0703 to register.
Sweaters, coats available to veterans
Local veterans can get warm sweaters and coats for the winter through Operation Sweaters for Veterans. The sweaters and coats will be distributed from 10 a.m.-2 p.m. every Monday-Thursday through December at the Clallam County Veterans Center DAV Office, 216 S. Francis St., Port Angeles.
The clothes were collected by Drennan-Ford Funeral Home of Port Angeles as part of a national effort. For more information or to donate new or gently used winter clothing, call Tammy Sullenger at 417-2383.
Schools receive donations from Rotary, Greywolf PTA
On Dec. 3, the Sequim School Board of Directors accepted a $1,000 donation from the Noon Rotary Club of Sequim to purchase books for the Helen Haller Elementary Library's "Raise a Reader" program.
The board also accepted a $1,000 donation from the Greywolf Elementary School Parent-Teacher Association to help purchase additional fourth- and fifth-grade music curriculum materials.
The next Sequim School District board meeting is 7 p.m. Monday, Dec. 19, in the boardroom inside the Performing Arts building at 533 N. Sequim Ave. Call 582-3260.
Senior menu
Here are the Sequim Senior Nutrition Site menus, served at 4:30 p.m. at Suncrest Village Retirement Apartments, 251 S. Fifth Ave. Suggested donation $3. Menus are subject to change. 24-hours reservation required. Call 683-8491.
Thursday Dec. 15: Soup, patty melt, oven-roasted potatoes, dessert
Friday Dec. 16: Community chicken dinner at Suncrest
Monday Dec. 19: Community spaghetti dinner at Suncrest
Tuesday Dec. 20: Green salad, French dip sandwich, fries, corn, dessert
Wednesday Dec. 21: Spinach salad, poached fish, sweet potatoes, broccoli, dessert.
'Babe' set for 'At the Movies'
"Babe" is the featured movie at 7 p.m. Wednesday, Dec. 21, at Olympic Theatre Arts, 414 N. Sequim Ave., as part of the Olympic Theatre Arts and City of Sequim "At the Movies" program. Doors open at 6:30 p.m. and close at 7:10 p.m. once the movie starts.
Admission is $5 per person. Individuals 16 years of age and younger must be accompanied by an adult. Upcoming shows are "The Help" on Jan. 17 and "Breakfast at Tiffany's" on Feb. 15.
Rabies vaccine to be mandatory for pets
Under a new rule, pet dogs, cats and ferrets in Washington must be current on their rabies vaccination starting Jan. 1, 2012.
Rabies is one of the oldest and most deadly diseases and every year in Washington several hundred people have to get the series of rabies shots because of possible exposure to the rabies virus.
Vaccinating pets is one of the most effective ways of preventing rabies.
For more information, visit The Department of Health website, www.doh.wa.gov.
Bad weather may affect school closures
With winter around the corner, Sequim School District officials remind parents, students and staff that there may be school closures or delayed-start days as dictated by the weather.
Officials say they have been informed that beginning now, snow removal and sanding will be minimal to nonexistent during the weekends throughout Clallam County.
This cutback in snow removal by the county could complicate the decision process for determining a delayed start or closure, Sequim school officials said.
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Useful Help for the MongoDB Cloud Crowd
NoSQL on the cloud anyone? Amazon just released a very nice guide for spinning up your own MongoDB instances on EC2.
Readers pointed out that, due to the IO fees on top of the EC2 fees, Amazon's Elastic Compute Cloud is . . .
. . . not price-competitive if you don't need to be able to launch and terminate instances on the fly on a regular basis. -- Vitality
least one reader used the outlay described in this whitepaper for his
own startup, and recommends a presentation by Jared Rosoff from March of
2011 (below) for anyone who could use some help with MongoDB.
MongoDB on EC2 and EBS
View more presentations from Jared Rosoff
Feel free to comment with your thoughts on these or other useful resources.Just remember that there are a lot of pitfalls in implementing MongoDB in the cloud, as you can see in this post, where you can get at least one good piece of advice:
If you're in the cloud, avoid the disc. --Derek Harris
(Note: Opinions expressed in this article and its replies are the opinions of their respective authors and not those of DZone, Inc.)


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Currency policies are a particularly hot topic because the United States can no longer try two traditional remedies for a sluggish economy: government spending, because the political tide has turned against it, and lower short-term interest rates, because they're already effectively at zero.
As a result, this month the Federal Reserve announced a new round of quantitative easing, in which the government puts cash into circulation by buying back its own bonds. Intended to encourage business activity, the move could also drive down the dollar. But that should actually boost the U.S. economy: a weaker dollar would make U.S. products more affordable globally, increasing U.S. exports, income and employment.
Because the Chinese yuan is undervalued, as a July report by the International Monetary Fund concluded, it allows China to be a net exporter of goods. Experts believe that China's government engineers this by using yuan to buy foreign currencies; this puts more yuan in circulation and keeps down their value. In June, China announced it was resuming a "flexible" currency policy, letting the yuan float on world markets, as the dollar does; but the yuan has barely risen since then. Meanwhile, a potentially weaker dollar affects the United States' interactions with many other countries.
After all, a lower dollar hurts exports from Europe, too. "If the euro starts to appreciate relative to the dollar, it is more difficult for Germany and the other Euro-Zone countries to compete in world markets," says David Singer, an associate professor of political science at MIT, who has written about the political dimension of exchange rates. German officials have already lambasted the new round of U.S. quantitative easing. "It's inconsistent for the Americans to accuse the Chinese of manipulating exchange rates and then to artificially depress the dollar exchange rate by printing money," said German finance minister Wolfgang Schauble.
American policies also affect developing countries, especially in South America and Asia. The low interest rates in the U.S., and low returns on U.S. bonds, mean that investors looking for better opportunities have been pouring money into emerging markets, which are generally growing faster than advanced economies. But investors must make purchases — whether for stocks, bonds or real estate — in local currencies. That increases demand for those currencies, raising their values and making it harder for the issuing countries to export goods, slowing their growth.
Officials in developing countries dislike a declining dollar; it was Brazil's finance minister, Guido Mantega, who declared in September that an "international currency war" was breaking out. "These countries with emerging markets are also trying to adjust to the global economic contraction," notes Singer. "They want competitive exports, and they're seeing the value of their currencies appreciating with all this capital flowing in."
Some developing countries combat demand for their currencies by imposing capital controls, such as taxes on bonds, on foreign investment. But why don't all emerging-market countries intervene directly in currency markets, like China? A few countries do, actually. But printing more currency to sell on exchange markets has a potential downside: inflation.
"Inflation is the tradeoff that the Chinese face in keeping their currency artificially depreciated," says Singer. However, the Chinese government has more political insulation from the consequences of inflation than their counterparts in democratic countries, he adds. "Most of the Latin American countries have histories of bad bouts with inflation. They know it can bring down a government and wipe out middle-class savings." Those countries, as well as the U.S., Germany and some other European states, are "more wary of inflation than are some of the Asian countries." So they tend not to print money to lower their currency values.
How the currency disputes will unfold is hard to forecast. But they do make clear how international tensions can arise when states seek to protect their own interests in a deeply globalized economy.


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Newsbeat's US reporter Sima Kotecha visits a New York graffiti artist's studio, to see what fashion in the Bronx is all about.
The artist, who makes custom one-off T-shirts, explains how matching trainers and t-shirts are a big trend in New York.
Sima also spoke to people in the Bronx to hear what they thought about how to look good.


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And another! 'Troy Masters is reporting that he, like Nic Lewis, has a climate sensitivity paper about to be published. And he too finds that climate sensitivity is low (but slightly higher than Lewis)'
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Bjorn Lomborg Congratulates German Climate Effort: 'For €100 Million…Climate Change Delayed 37 Hours'
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'Environmental Groups are Flirting with Extinction' – 'The green movement is not aging well…it has a diversity problem'
New Study: Alaskan Glaciers Began Retreating In 1770: 'Glacier retreat began well before any input from humans could have had any effect'
Analysis by Physicist Dr. Denis Rancourt: 'A large increase (doubling or ten-fold) in CO2, in addition to the small present amount, does not significantly change the global surface temperature'
Flashback 1933 : Australia's Chief Weather Expert: Belief In Climate Change Is An 'Error Of Human Memory' – 'When people compare the present with the past, they remember only the abnormal'
NOAA Warmist Martin Hoerling in NY Times: Calif. drought not caused by global warming. No trend in wetter/drier conditions since 1895
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New Study: 'RATHER THAN GLOBAL WARMING, EARTH MAY BE FACING COOLING' – By Dr. Gerrit van der Lingen
Senate Dems to pull all-nighter railing against global warming — courtesy of Capitol Bldg's COAL-FIRED POWER PLANT
If climate is 'winning' issue, why are 'vulnerable' Dems avoiding climate slumber party: 'Notably absent' will be the four most vulnerable Senate Dems up for reelection this year'
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New Study: EARTH IS SAFE FROM 'GLOBAL WARMING' SAY THE MEN WHO PUT MAN ON THE MOON
No tolerance!? CEO on climate skeptic managers: 'Either you live by our values or you leave the company' – DNV GL CEO, Henrik Madsen
Watch Now: Climate Depot's Morano of Fox News on Senate Dems climate All-Nighter: Morano: 'This is Confusing…The Japanese government told their citizens to go to bed an hour early to fight global warming. But now we are being told to stay up all night to fight global warming'
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Prince George's County News
71-year-old woman killed in Capitol Heights
rince George's County police are looking for a suspect in the slaying of an elderly woman in Capitol Heights.
Elderly woman slain in Capitol Heights
Elderly woman slain in Capitol Heights; Prince George's police seek suspect
Discolored water advisory for Prince George's County
The Washington Suburban Sanitary Commission (WSSC) says that customers in the Laurel and Beltsville areas of Prince George's County could be experiencing discolored water.
U.Md. students robbed at gunpoint
wo University of Maryland students were robbed at gunpoint in College Park Friday night.
Bladensburg police shoot, kill woman with knife
A woman armed with a knife was shot and killed by Bladensburg police Friday night.
Ex-soccer coach sentenced for child sex abuse
Former soccer coach sentenced for sexually abusing girl on team
Power restored to nearly 50,000 customers
Power is back for the nearly 50,000 Pepco customers in Prince George's County and D.C. left in the dark after a tree knocked down a transmission line.
Panic buttons, armed officers part of Pr. George's schools security plan
The Prince George's County Board of Education will consider the increasing security at its meeting Thursday.
Hoyer, Brown, Gansler to speak to Young Democrats
Young Democrats to hear from Hoyer, Brown, Gansler, Ulman and Mizeur
Teen critical after taxi strikes him in Temple Hills
The driver fled the scene of the accident on Wheeler Road.
Video discussing reparative therapy for gays pulled from Prince George's schools
A controversial video is being pulled from some public schools in Prince George's County.
Man critically injured in car, train wreck
A train collided with a car that was crossing railroad tracks in Brandywine, Md., and sent a man to the hospital with life-threatening injuries Wednesday.
Prince George's County schools considers owning student and teachers' work
The Prince George's County Board of Education is considering a proposal that says any work created for school or by using school materials would become property of the school board.
Md. school copyright proposal prompting concern
Prince George's County school officials are proposing that work created by staff and students should be copyrighted.
Diverse P.G. County Lacrosse Club Defies the Sport's Norm
When Alex Heitkemper joined the Prince George's Pride lacrosse club three years ago, he noticed something different about the team.
Prince George's County to reassign 22 paid firefighters
Four Prince George's County fire stations will lose a combined 22 paid firefighters to other stations in the county on March 4 as part of the county's multi-step staff realignment plan.
Prince George's to release request for casino plans
Maryland will take the next step towards opening a casino in Prince George's County this week when the Video Lottery Facility Location Commission releases a request for detailed plans from all companies hoping to win the license.
Man sentenced in slaying of shop owner
A man convicted of killing a Northwest shop owner during a robbery has been sentenced to 52 1/2 years in prison.
Prince George's Co. planning for $152M budget shortfall
Prince George's County Executive Rushern Baker said the county is expecting a $152.2 million shortfall as officials plan the fiscal 2014 budget.
Hoyer to visit school
Maryland Rep. Steny Hoyer will be visiting a school in Bowie.


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Nov 23, 2012, 03:21 PM | #1 |
Macbook Pro '09 Good Purchase?
Hello i need advice on my laptop situation. I found a 2009 13" macbook pro for $500. It wasnt used to much and is operating Mountain Lion and has 150 gb and
2gb ram. My current laptop is a Toshiba Satelite A505 the usb ports dont work and it doesnt hold charge without being plugged in. It has 4Gb of ram and Intel Core 2 Duo processor. Do you think this would be wise investment or should i just stick with my toshiba? |
0 |
Nov 23, 2012, 03:24 PM | #2 |
All depends on your budget - better value to purchase a 11 or 10 model. IMHO
0 |
Nov 23, 2012, 03:26 PM | #3 |
I forgot to mention I am a college student so i cant just go and buy a 2012 macbook
0 |
Nov 23, 2012, 03:28 PM | #4 |
Go for it!
0 |
Nov 23, 2012, 04:53 PM | #5 |
You can google around and see what these sell for. If the price is OK for you go for it. I had one of these at the same time as a 17 2009 MBP. I used the 13" way more than the 17. Great little machine.
Max out the RAM when you can, and if possible pop in a SSD and you're be good for several more years. I'm still on the 2009 17" now, and it needs to last me a few more years before I upgrade. |
0 |
Nov 23, 2012, 11:37 PM | #6 |
if it is in good condition I would say go for it. That is the machine I am running. You can upgrade the RAM to 8GB pretty cheaply and when you have the cash put in a SSD very easily and it is a awesome machine. Mine never lags or slows down for what I use it for (lots of tabs web browsing, office, messages, ical, reminders, pixelmator, itunes, iPhoto. Unless you are going to be video / audio editing or using a lot of photoshop it will be a good mac, just be sure to upgrade the ram.
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Dix, Kucharski Back on Top at Start of XTERRA SeriesSeven days of rain drenching Philadelphia did not scare away area runners from kicking off the 2009 XTERRA Philly Trail Run Series last night. The XTERRA Warwick Park Revenge Trail Run forced runners to trudge through 5 kilometers of mud as they fought to earn their first points of the season. Dan Dix, 30, and Jerilyn Kucharski, 27, started off right where they ended last year by finishing as the top male and female winners. Both Dix and Kucharski, from Coatesville and Quakertown, PA respectively, had perfect scores during the 2008 season and were crowned XTERRA Regional Champions. After yesterday's event, it looks like they are as strong as ever. Dix turned in a blazing time of 19:48 crossing the finish line 30 seconds ahead of runner-up Derek Schultz from Spring City. Kucharski clocked the women's winning time of 23:25 edging out Michaele Roat who came in just over a minute later. Claiming the third place title was XTERRA Ambassador Sue Anne Clark of Bryn Mawr in 25 minutes flat. Race director Don Morrison was worried about Mother Nature ruining the event but was thrilled with the turnout despite the impending weather. "Lots of fun was had by all in the mud" he beamed after the race. Since this was just the first race in the 2009 XTERRA Philly Trail Run Series, runners still have plenty of opportunities to add points toward their series totals. Those finishing the season with top scores will be crowned Regional Champions and win free entry to the XTERRA Trail Running National Championship on September 13 in Bend, Oregon. From there, runners can say aloha to the Hawaiian island of Oahu during the XTERRA Trail Running World Championship on December 6. Visit www.xterratrailrun.com for more information. Up next: The XTERRA Hibernia Park Blast 5km Trail Run in Coatesville, PA on May 20. Complete race results are attached and more information can be found online at www.xterratrailrun.com. Media interested in photos from this event should contact firstname.lastname@example.com. 2009 XTERRA PHILLY TRAIL RUN SERIES |
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Files | Admin
Notes: OCRA (One-Click Ruby Application) builds Windows executables from Ruby source code. The executable is a self-extracting, self-running executable that contains the Ruby interpreter, your source code and any additionally needed ruby libraries or DLL. Changes: === 1.0.1 / 2009-05-05 * Added stub with windows runtime for windowed applications (e.g. wxRuby) and fixed issue where OCRA would use ruby.exe instead of rubyw.exe for such programs. [#25774]