text:
Jul 19, 2010
I think I miss my fat belly
Including my fat belly. I really miss that soft, squishy part of myself. When I opted for the TRAM-flap reconstruction, the largest selling point for me was that my breast would be constructed from my own tissue and I would not have to endure an implant. I know that many women opt for implants and are happy with their decisions. I think that its great that there are options for all of us to consider actually. For me, the thought of going from a natural H cup to any type of implant seemed just above and beyond what I could fathom for myself. I just didn't want any other foreign object in my body.
The fact that the TRAM-flap would also give me what amounted to a nice little tummy tuck was a bonus. I figured that it was a pretty good trade-off for the 12+ hour surgery and the 2-3 months recuperation time that I needed afterwards. I had hoped that the new breast and the flat tummy would propel me farther down the lane of recapturing my sexiness. It hasn't exactly done that though.
My tummy, while flatter, is not FLAT. And even all these months later, there is still a significant area that is numb. I have a belly button but I forget about it a lot because I can't feel it. (Although the numbness is making me consider getting it pierced actually.) I guess I didn't really think about what I would look like after the surgery. I assumed that I would be slim and trim with perky new boobies. When the truth is that while flatter, my tummy isn't flat and in order to get my body to look the way that I picture it in my head... I'm going to have to work out and eat better.
Gag. (laughs) I'm starting with yoga and running a couple of days a week. I'll tell you how it goes.
All in all, while I miss my belly a bit I am growing increasingly happy with my breasts. I can only hope that soon I will be happy with everything I see in the mirror and I won't keep having these "remember when" flashbacks.
Jul 16, 2010
You never know how folks think about your breast cancer
So the request for my number immediately made me wonder what was going on in his life that he needed to actually speak to me and hear my voice. I was then surprised to receive a text message from him a short while later. This particular ex-boyfriend is rather eccentric. And I don't mean that in a "he's a weirdo" sort of way. But I mean that he has a very unique perspective on life and he finds the most abstract things funny or interesting... or whatever. So, receiving unusual notes and pictures from him is pretty normal. I expect for him to send me something I've never seen or heard of before... something I probably would not have noticed had it not been brought to my attention by him.
Imagine my surprise when I opened the text message and it was a picture of a woman lying on her back -- with her breasts exposed. She was a very pretty young woman with fairly large breasts. There was something vaguely familiar about her look. While I was trying to process why he sent me that picture, I realized that he had sent a message as well.
Subject line was: Reminds
Body of message in the text: me of you. Hope you're not offended.
(laughs) Seems that my ex came across this picture -- I didn't ask how -- and the woman in the picture reminded him of me. It would be odd except he and I have had a few conversations over the past couple of years about my breast cancer and how the treatment has affected me (physically and emotionally). I found myself staring at this young woman and I realized that she really did look a bit like me... skin color, hairstyle, and breast size. Well... she reminds me of who I used to be.
My reaction was complicated. I laughed (because only this guy would do something like this). I smiled. I thought that she was pretty. And then I sighed because I realized that I no longer looked like that. She had an innocence in her face (yes, while she was laying there half-naked) that I don't think I have anymore. And she also had breasts that were significantly larger than what I have now. It made me remember (in a different way) how much I have changed because of the breast cancer.
As I looked at the picture, I realized that I was a little envious of the way she looked. Her breasts were perfect, although large. And they were obviously hers and not fakes because they had a "flow" to them (that's the best way I can describe it). As you age and grow, your breasts lose some of that little girl/young woman perkiness and they soften such that they sort of flow a bit on your body. They give you a softness that I often find missing from women with artificial breasts.
When I did look that way, I didn't appreciate the way that I looked. I had a complaint and a worry about everything. I never thought much about how it may have appeared to someone else... I worried that I wasn't pretty enough most of the time. (tragic waste of time and energy I know now) It was sort of empowering to know that at one time I was so lovely and someone remembered me that way.
I replied by text that it was a good laugh and I remembered when I did look that way. And I thanked him for even thinking of me after all of these years. He then called to hear my voice and to find out how I was really feeling... after all this time with treatment and surgeries and ... stuff. That made me feel good too because even after all this time, I like to know that people still think about me from time to time.
You never know how your stuff will affect someone else. And something like breast cancer affects you so deeply and changes who you are and who you think you are and who you can be... that when someone takes a moment to remind you that you were (and therefore still are) a beautiful person... its simply a touching moment.
(the picture above is an edited version of the picture he sent me... )
Jul 12, 2010
Lingerie shopping... taking back my femininity and my someday
I decided that I was ready. The swelling has gone down significantly on my breasts from the surgery and I thought that purchasing something really nice -- while getting fitted properly -- would kick off my weekend in a great way.
I scooted out of work with enough time to stop by this uber-chic European lingerie store downtown. I've been there before (years ago) but I've never ever purchased anything there. In the past, it was primarily because they didn't carry my size. (The sales lady told me that once when I walked in with sort of a sneer on her face... ahhh... don't you just love being snubbed when you want to spend your money?) But also because the prices are ... well devastatingly outrageous.
This isn't the run of the mill Victoria's Secret shop that you find at every mall across the nation. This store... is "special" (she says with a whisper of awe and a lilt of glee). I won't put the name on this post because I have NO plans to direct any traffic their way. But its still a really nice store.
You know how some people are fascinated by the store windows in New York during the Christmas holidays? This store's window fascinates me the same way. I've always been a tall girl. And for a good portion of my adult life, I've been a pretty thick girl (not fat...not that there's anything wrong with that). So, I'm accustomed to seeing things sometimes that I know are not or have not been designed with someone like me in mind. I'm pretty cool with that I suppose. I've always had a secret wish to either be much taller -- so I can completely stand out of the crowd -- or to be much smaller, so that I can be instantly thought of as sweet and petite. (There's a level of feminism that petite women seem to have locked down, that is rarely shown or thought of when you're a larger and/or taller woman)
But like I said, this store FASCINATES me with its window display. The lingerie in the window is always so very beautiful and colorful. It looks ephemeral... like its as light as an angel's feather. The lingerie never looks trashy or cheap or hooker-ish. It always gives me the sighs... and I look at the window and think... "if I can get something from there I will FEEL like a lady and it will probably radiate outwardly and guys will treat me more like a girl and less like one of the guys".
Yes. That long azz sentence runs through my mind whenever I see the window of this store. Right now, I'm closing my eyes and envisioning the beautiful pink and white lacy set that was in the window the other day. (sigh) So, like I was saying. On Friday afterwork, I felt that because I was in the mindset of reclaiming and celebrating my dreams I should go to this store and feel like a lady for a little while. I walked in and looked around briefly and asked to be fitted. I explained to the ladies that I was a breast cancer survivor and I had no idea what size my new breasts were. Interestingly enough I was not wearing a bra when I walked in their shop -- something that seemed quite distasteful to those two little ladies. (laugh) Whatever.
I went into the dressing room and the older lady came in with her measuring tape. I will give her credit. She did not gasp when I slid my dress straps down. Her face did not reflect any shock or surprise. I figured out later on that she was uncomfortable with my nipple-less noobie. (noobie = new boobie) First of all, my complaints and concerns that my boobies were small were wrong. I am a respectable F cup (that's a DDD in the US). So, that made me feel a bit better. Secondly, (and I knew this part) there are some gorgeous items for ladies my size. (smile)
My sales assistant brought me two or three very nice but quite non-fancy bras to start with. She chose them because they were smooth and could be worn under all types of outfits without showing. I tried them on and they were definitely prettier than the lounging bras I've been wearing while I'm healing...but they weren't "pretty pretty" like the display items. I liked them but not enough to purchase.
I asked her to bring me something "pretty pretty" preferably an exotic color or something with embroidered flowers... I wanted something that when I closed my eyes to remember what I had on under my clothes... I would smile. I want that secret "my lingerie ROCKS" smile to be a permanent fixture on my face.
She brought me the prettiest lavender lace bra that I've ever seen. It is simply gorgeous. Almost too pretty to wear actually. And I asked for matching panties -- though I suspected that they didn't have them in my size. I was wrong. She found something that worked. It is so pretty. I purchased the lavender set and also a beautiful black lacy bra -- I think every woman should have one black bra that is so lacy and frilly that she snickers every time she thinks of it and her lover can't wait to catch a glimpse of it when she is dressing or undressing. I think that should be an adult rite of passage. Anyhoo...
I get to the register, heady with cherubs and hummingbirds dancing around my head... (like I'm in a cartoon or something) and I realized that I was overspending but I didn't dare stop myself. This was more than just buying some bras and panties to get through the day or the week. This was another step for me to becoming more girly and lady-like. I was not going to refuse myself the opportunity to feel great.
So I handed my card and made my purchase. Did I mention that this place was tres snooty? When the receipt printed, there were TWO places to sign. One, the regular signature to approve the purchase. And the other was a signature line stating that you read the return policy and agreed to it.
*blink blink* Whatever...
I was soooo heady and happy that I laughed to myself and signed... twice. (shrug) And I jetted off to the other side of town for happy hour. Now, my evening did not go as planned but it was still good. I was happy with my investment and in a good frame of mind. I showed my new purchases to a couple of female friends at the bar and they sort of made me question my purchase. They thought my items were pretty until they saw the pricetag and then they were shocked that anyone would spend that much on underwear. Especially if you could get something equally as pretty a lot cheaper.
Their thoughts and comments stuck with me for the rest of the night and I started to wonder if I just had FOOL written on my forehead. And then I remembered an email (that has circulated for many years) and I remembered that my purchase wasn't about being appropriate but it was a chance for me to appreciate myself.
The reality for me right now is that no one will probably see me in these beautiful lacy garments anytime soon. But I know that when I do choose to wear them, I will be as pretty on the inside of my clothes as I hope I appear on the outside. I know that now when people look at me they don't see a breast cancer survivor. They just see a woman, walking down the street or riding the subway. I don't even wear my breast cancer pins anymore. I am simply... Nicole again. But on the inside, I am truly different -- even with two boobs again and I feel that I have to really honor that feminine spirit within. Truly bow down and respect what it means to be a lady, what it means to be a girl, what it means to be feminine. I know men don't usually think this... but its hard being a girl today. It is extra hard being a breast cancer survivor girl trying to reclaim her "sexy swagger" while sporting one nipple-less noobie. Its a tall order and whew... sometimes I just am not up to the challenge. But I realized when my sales assistant kept clucking about hiding my scar within the cup of my bra... that I am DAMN PROUD of my scar. No, its not pretty but so what. Like I told her, never mind that scar what matters is that I'm here. And if that scar wasn't there... I would not be here.
My first instinct was to take my tissue-paper wrapped lingerie and bury it in the back of my lingerie drawer. Pull it out every now and then to fondle and appreciate it but really never wear it. But... I decided that I'm going to wear it one day this week. Because life is too short to hold out for someday... today is someday. Below is the email that I thought of immediately after having regrets about spending so much on three little items. I hope that it sticks with you and reminds you... today is your someday.
[A forwarded email...]
My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip.
It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion."
I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.
I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is, if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing-I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.
And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is...a gift.
Jul 8, 2010
Celebrating the return of dreams...
I received an email with this title: Celebrating the return of dreams. And it struck a note with me that sort of summed up how I've been feeling the past few days. The email was from the YSC (Young Survival Coalition: http://www.youngsurvival.org/) and it was about their upcoming bicycle ride fundraiser. Just for the record, I'm NOT going to ride 220 miles in the Tour de Pink. LOL… not gonna happen.
But I liked the spirit of the story that opened the email and it made me pause and think. The author of the story was a young woman when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was married and had small kids but still the news of having breast cancer hit her hard and she was really shaken. She mentioned how she lived day by day during the time of her treatment. She never really looked to the future too far because it was difficult enough to get from one day to the next. I really identified with that feeling.
I started looking for cars a few weeks ago because it's time for me to have a car now. Travelling by public transportation is simply too limiting, too time consuming and becoming too inconvenient and too expensive for me to continue. I am fortunate that I can afford to buy a car. The other day, I also accepted that I was allowing myself to feel strangled by my medical bills. The stack of paper in my room is simply outrageous. Bills, bills, bills… everywhere. I gathered them all up and looked at my savings and said… enough! I withdrew a hefty chunk of change from my savings – it hurt my heart to do it – but I realized that unless I got that monkey off my back, I was going to continue to feel bogged down and stifled.
Getting through the process of writing down all the bills that I owed and making the money available so that they could be paid was difficult. I wanted to cry on Friday night when I got home because I was so angry. But I had made an innocent comment a few days before and it was continuing to resonate with me. "I need little luxuries in life to keep my wheels balanced."
Once I did the hard part and I knew when the money would be available, I could breathe a little easier. I realized that I was extremely blessed to be able to access enough money to wipe out those bills. And even though they are bills that I never expected, they were mine and they were for a good reason. My life. I'm worth a few thousand dollars. I really am. Writing those checks the other day, freed me in a major way.
I went car shopping on Monday (window shopping) and found the car that I want. It is NOT one of the cars I had on my list. It is a car that I've wanted for a long time, I just didn't think I could afford it. In fact, two years ago when I was diagnosed, I didn't think I would ever be in a position to get it. I looked at it, looked at the sticker price, I sat in it… and then I resolved that I could afford it and that I would get it. Not that day, but soon enough. I have a few things to do first but then, with lots of good luck, good fortune and blessings on my side, I will have my dream car.
Since the day I went car shopping… I realized that a lot of dreams have popped back into my head. Like renovating my bedroom. Writing a book proposal and submitting it to a few agents. Finally purchasing my first full length fur coat. And so forth. They are things that probably won't matter or make sense to anyone besides me, but I am looking forward to hitting each and every one very soon.
When I read the headline of the YSC article, it clicked. I am finally in a space where I too am celebrating the return of my dreams. When I decided that I wanted to buy the Mercedes Benz instead of the cheaper Pontiac or even a little hooptie car, I realized that I was giving myself permission to stop living on hold. To stop holding my breath waiting for the next "cancer" issue to fall out of the sky. I am moving from survival mode… to simply SURVIVOR.
Jul 3, 2010
I need a good cover story
I've been wearing these lymphedema bandages for a few weeks now. And I've gotten used to the way that they look. Sort of. They aren't sexy and they do not go very well with my wardrobe... but it doesn't bother me as much because my arm is really going down pretty well. I can see progress and it is making me happy.
My issue is that people I see on the street are amazed at the bandages. I am stopped constantly and asked.. "what happened to your arm?".
I suppose that it is startling to see a gorgeous lady (that would be me) strolling down the street like nothing is wrong with her arm bandaged up to the shoulder. A bit strange to see I'm sure. But it is my reality right now. Here's what's strange about the constant questions though... I simply don't feel like taking advantage of the obvious "teaching" moment.
Normally -- rather, for the past two years, I've taken every opportunity given to me (and forced more than a few) to educate people about breast cancer. I have had what I call... "breast cancer Tourette's" for the longest time. Just could not help myself from responding to anything that opened the door for me to discuss my journey with breast cancer. But I don't feel like sharing all that right now with every stranger I see.
It is strange for me. I can see the genuine concern in their eyes... but it feels like a chore to say...
oh, I have lymphedema (which just means that my arm is swollen) because I had a mastectomy about a year ago... by the way I am a breast cancer survivor.... yes, at my age. no i don't have kids... yes, its a shame. okay bye.Who DOES that on the street with strangers? Well, not ya girl. At least not for the past couple of weeks. (shrug) But you know... I have decided that I need a good cover story. Like, I was attacked by werewolves in the dark or something. And I need to practice it every day so that it rolls off my tongue easily.
Because I really will be wearing this sleeve of bandages for another 2 weeks I think. I just don't know what story to tell...
(as you can see, my arm is getting smaller... yay!)
Jun 30, 2010
Lymphedema update: The bandages are working
I HATE these bandages. I'm just going to put it out there because its constantly on my mind. Un-sexy. Uncomfortable. Unpleasant. BUT… they work. That picture is of my arm after my bandages were removed during physical therapy on Tuesday. My swelling has been reduced significantly and my arm is just about back to its normal size. As my therapist said… "it may seem like a pretty primitive way of treating lymphedema but it does work".
Gotta agree with that.
I'm bandaged up again. And will probably be bandaged up for the next 2 weeks. But, progress is being made. My progress would be more significant if I had not had surgery a few weeks after I started physical therapy. But I'm not complaining. Besides, my new boobies aren't that bad. Still getting used to them though. And I think I'm having some healing issues with the breast that was reduced – its not looking quite right but we'll see what the surgeon says.
All in all, its an okay day.
Jun 24, 2010
Hair chronicles: A follow-up to my Miss Jessie's trial and what's going on with my hair now
Jun 22, 2010
Struggling with anger... still
Jun 21, 2010
Lymphedema is so very un-SEXY
Been feeling a little lousy lately. Headaches, nausea, a little vomiting (nothing major) and so on. General yuckiness I guess is the best way to describe it. Thought that maybe the heat of North Carolina was getting to me while I was travelling this past weekend. Then I thought that maybe I was dehydrated. But resting in the cool didn't help much and neither did drinking lots of fluid. I still felt sort of lowgrade yuck.
Today I had two back-to-back appointments – first to see the plastic surgeon so she could remove some stitches and then immediately after I met with the physical therapist so that she could massage my arm and finally wrap it (my bandages arrived last week).
I was annoyed to see that my blood pressure is still elevated… it hasn't gone down yet and we're going on three weeks of these high numbers. I'm getting a little worried. But, I didn't press the issue because there wasn't a point of discussing it with the plastic surgeon. High blood pressure isn't her area of expertise. She didn't really have any smart remarks but then, neither did I. And I think that my quietness surprised her. She noticed some redness on my new breast and thought that maybe I picked up an infection or something – which would explain my general feeling of ick. She wrote me a prescription for two different types of antibiotics and told me to follow up in a week.
Sigh. I am tired of seeing her face actually.
As for physical therapy… I really had hoped that when this lady said that I would have to wear a bandage wrap that somehow it would be slick. Maybe not sexy exactly but still not crazy looking. Well… I have on a pretty cute new sundress. Was looking forward to taking myself out to dinner tonight to try a new restaurant that I've been hearing fabulous things about. Let's just say, I cancelled my reservations because I LOOK CRAZY!
The bandages go all the way up to my freaking armpit! Its horrible to look at and difficult to navigate with. I came to work with a blazer over my dress. You know, trying to keep things professional. But I can't get my arm into the sleeve of my jacket because its all wrapped up like the mummy. (sigh)
Oh well. Guess I will check out Founding Farmers some other time… I still feel icky and I'm ready for bed. I had actually hoped to work late tonight but I don't see that in my future.
Have I told you lately that I can't stand breast cancer? This isht is for the doggone birds.
Jun 20, 2010
What will you do with the time you have left?
What will I do with the time I have left?
Since none of us knows how much time we have left -- no matter what the doctors may tell you, or what someone may have prophecied over your life -- you have to live consciously with the notion that every moment is very precious.
On Thursday, I attended my cousin Scharleen's funeral (yes, I've been spelling her name wrong all over the internet for the past couple of weeks) and on Saturday I attended the funeral of my cousin's grandmother. Both were dynamic and wonderful women. Both were well-loved and admired within their communities and their circles for being giving souls. And I realized at Grandma Baggett's funeral that they both taught me the same lesson -- just in different ways.
Its all about love. Loving yourself. Loving others. And BEING yourself. That last part is what is sticking with me the most about their lives. My cousin was never apologetic about who she was. Grandma Baggett never met a person that she couldn't love and become like family with. Have you ever met someone that the moment you met them, its as though they have always been a part of your life? Grandma Baggett was that way. Scharleen had a personality that was bigger than life sometimes. Once you met her, you would always remember her.
Both ladies taught me with their lives that being truly yourself... is the most freeing and wonderful gift you can give to the world. Even if someone doesn't immediately recognize that you're giving them a gift -- the gift of being just as free as they are -- the gift still has potency.
I've been fighting with anxiety for a couple of months now. I've been fighting against accepting that I am not doing the things that actually bring me joy. I have been tinkering around and pretending that not writing, not speaking, not pushing myself to be that entity that I feel I am way down deep inside is acceptable. I've been living a fake life, a facade. And the incongruity and lack of harmony is tearing me apart.
In fairness to myself, I know why I shelved those dreams and decided to live a different way. Part of it is fear of the unknown. Part of it is trying to be a grown-up. (I have this strange idea that grown-ups aren't supposed to be happy, living and doing things that make them smile. But being a grown-up means that you work a job you hate, and you deny yourself fun stuff because its too childlike.) Part of it is an acknowledgement that I don't have all of the skills that I need in order to really shine as a star on my own.
Someone asked me recently (through formspring.me) who inspired me. And I replied that I draw a lot of inspiration from people who are living their dreams. Whether or not I agree or like what they do... the fact that they shrugged off an ordinary life to reach for the impossible and found success and joy with it makes me so giddy inside. I can't explain it. When I watch someone like Janet Jackson or even Beyonce perform (and I am not a fan of hers, don't stone me)... its like breathing pure oxygen. Not because what they are doing is so fabulous or that I want to do that specifically -- because Lord knows I can't dance or sing and would not want to make a living trying to do so -- but because you can FEEL their joy, their connectedness to everything when they are in their zone.
I feel that way when I'm writing... I know I've said that (or something similar) a million times but I can't stop feeling this. When I'm writing, time passes, life could stand still and I would not really realize it. But the downside is that I don't have the business skills (marketing, accounting, etc.) that are necessary to move writing from a happy hobby to a profitable method of living.
Not sure why I'm sharing this today -- really wasn't where I wanted this post to go actually -- but looking at Scharleen and Grandma Baggett in their caskets this weekend reminded me that time doesn't wait for any of us. I don't know why I need the constant reminder but it seems that I do. The question... what will I do with the time I have left is ringing in my ears.
Those of you who have moved from an ordinary life to the life of your dreams... how did you make the leap? I think I'm looking for permission to walk away from being a grown-up and just be a happy kid... reaching for goals that are bigger than I am, that I have no way of seeing in advance how they will work out but just knowing that they will.
You want to know what some of my dreams are? To write a book that touches millions of lives in a good way. MILLIONS. To write (or contribute) a screenplay that reaches and touches MILLIONS of people. To be a speaker that people want to hear, want to see... and to have words to share that help people find their way to their own center of joy. Just to connect with people... and leave them better than before we interacted. Is it possible? Sure. I truly believe that each of those dreams are attainable goals. I just don't know how to get there.
But I have been reminded (again) that breast cancer doesn't have to be the end of my story. And that the life I really want -- not this boring "I'm a grown-up" life -- is out there. Its out there.
What I don't want... is to waste another minute of this life.


text:
The diversity of wildlife in Delta County captivates hikers, hunters, birdwatchers and other outdoor enthusiasts. Binoculars in hand, they scan the hillsides for signs of movement.
Walking along a game trail, they search the ground for scat left behind by deer, elk, coyotes and bears. But few pay as close attention to the habitat as John Monarch, a wildlife biologist who monitors the impact of mining activity on birds and mammals in the area. He's especially interested in species which are listed as threatened or endangered on either state or federal watch lists.
An independent contractor, Monarch works with the three North Fork coal mines and Gunnison Energy to determine if exploration and mining impacts wildlife in the area, and if so, how best to mitigate that impact. For example, a vent well may need to be moved from critical habitat.
He spends hours and hours in the field on a seasonal basis, monitoring the activity of a variety of species. In the winter, that means cruising around on his snowmobile in search of tracks. When he can't proceed any further on his snowmobile, he straps on skis or snowshoes and sets off across country. Clearly, the 72-year-old is in great physical condition.
His field studies take him through areas that have been reclaimed, and he notes those areas have not suffered because of any activity associated with mining. If those areas have been properly reclaimed, the vegetative "mosaic" has been enhanced with a delectable assortment of shrubs, grasses and trees. "Then the density and diversity of wildlife actually improves," John noted, "so in the areas that were mined a number of years ago and have now been reclaimed, I can see more diversity in wildlife than there was prior to the activity."
That's the long-term view, John said, as opposed to the supposition that mining adversely impacts wildlife. "That impact is short-term," he said. "The only time we totally lose habitat is when we convert it to asphalt and concrete. Otherwise, it still has potential."
Wildlife has been a love of John's since he was very young.
"My family was very outdoors oriented, and I loved to hunt and fish so by the time I was in grade school I knew that was the direction I wanted to go."
Raised in south-central Idaho, he attended Washington State University. He ended up in Colorado courtesy of Uncle Sam. After he was drafted he was stationed at Fitzsimons in Denver. When he finished military duty, he pursued his graduate degree at Washington State, then obtained a position with the Colorado Division of Wildlife.
He was with the DOW for several years before he decided he wasn't a good fit for government employment. He moved into the private sector. In the corporate world he spent a lot of time in Washington, D.C., and at state offices, and he said he came to hate all legislators.
"I found that typical of what we see, it isn't whether it's good for the country or good for the environment, but is it a politically sound move. It drove me nuts."
He decided to return to his roots — field biology. "I just love hiking out there and seeing what critters are up to."
His work has taken him from the Exxon-Valdez oil spill, to the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, to Prudhoe Bay where he helped a friend collar polar bears. Physically handling the animals is one of the most rewarding experience for people who work with wildlife, he said.
Through a working relationship with Chevron, he became involved in a student research project in California. While he prefers to work close to home, he's delighted to travel to California for the opportunity to supervise high schoolers on an ongoing project involving Swainson's hawks, which in California are listed as a threatened species. Before he left the corporate world, he was involved in a project to determine if there were adequate, suitable nest sites in the Sacramento area. The decision was made to put up some artificial nest sites. The next step was finding someone to monitor those nests, and that's where the students came in.
A few years after that project was launched, another opportunity for monitoring water quality in an artificial wetlands came up. The kids were tasked with collecting data to determine if the wetlands were cleaning up the water in the Port of Sacramento's deep water channel, as they were intended to.
At a school north of Sacramento, students track the health of a stream and its aquatic life.
Both John and his wife Sonya enjoy working with the students. He's especially impressed with their ability to prepare and give presentations on their findings. "They're not intimidated by the computer, so they put out great PowerPoint presentations." One of his biggest rewards, he said, are the students who go on to study environmental science in college.
Other than annual trips to California, John is content to confine his research to this area.
"My great love is going out and seeing what the critters are up to. People ask me how long I'll keep working and I say until the body quits me. I love being out there."
The lynx is one of the critical species which John evaluates. It's one thing to look at a map and label it lynx habitat; it's another to actually walk through the area studying the vegetation and the prey base. USFS employees and other government officials aren't spending as much time on the ground these days, John said. "They rely on guys like me to see what's really going on, to provide them with the data they need to complete biological assessments.
"What is affecting the wildlife more than anything right now is the sudden aspen decline and the beetle kill. I'll find stands where all the aspen are dead and so nesting habitat for raptors and other birds is lost. More important, we're not getting the regeneration of young trees. We've lost a lot of the spruce/fir to insects and that again affects the wildlife because as the trees die you've lost habitat."
For example, accipiter hawks, especially Cooper's hawks, like to nest in aspen, where there's cover over their heads. With the aspen dying out, these birds are abandoning their nests and moving off, to where there's suitable nesting habitat. Another example is the lynx, which are dependent on a diet of snowshoe hares. When the forests die there's no cover to attract the snowshoe hares, so the lynx lose their prey base. Some will die from starvation as a consequence.
John cautions against single species management. "Just manage the habitat properly and the wildlife will take care of themselves," he said.
The aspen die-off is due in part to the maturity of the stands. Throw in a drought and other factors, and the die-off accelerates. There are conservation biologists who are content to let the forest take care of itself. If that's your approach, John says you can't think in terms of human lifetimes.
"It takes time to cycle. It might be another hundred years before the aspen stands regenerate. You won't see the wildlife either because we've lost the habitat."
If the forests had been managed through selective logging, John says the crisis might have been averted. "Instead we're losing large stands of trees."
"But what about the old growth forests?" John is asked.
In old growth forests, all you'll have are species associated with old growth, he responds. A healthy forest is comprised of several age classes — younger shrubs, older shrubs, the same with trees, and some grasses. "Unless you have diversity in your vegetation, you start losing some of the species. Pretty soon, all you have are species associated with old growth.
"There are two solutions — log it or burn it. Either one will ultimately improve the habitat."
As a wildlife biologist, he says he's bothered by the legislation Udall and Salazar have proposed for managing the forest.
"If you look at what they have planned, it has really nothing to do with wildlife habitat. Instead of managing for wildlife, we're managing for people. That doesn't set well with me at all."
With 45 years of experience and nine years traipsing through the North Fork Valley, John is developing an extensive database which documents the impact on wildlife before, during and after mining activity. In more populated areas, he's noticed that birds and mammals are much more comfortable around humans.
"It used to be they were really sensitive to people. With the sheer numbers of humans expanding out into their habitat, humans have become part of the ecosystem. Now we've got birds and mammals that are born and raised around humans; as time goes on, more and more of these species have adjusted."
He's also noted an increase in the bear population, although most bears remain well hidden. During a study last spring, however, he inadvertently surprised a black bear. His goal was the head of an aspen draw — one of his favorite places to look for the nests of Cooper's hawks.
"I was walking on a game trail, with the wind on my face, when I heard a big ruckus." About 50 yards away, a bear had been napping at the foot of a spruce tree. The bear came up huffing.
"When they're expelling air and clicking their teeth, you know they're making a decision whether they're going to come for you or not."
Despite this encounter, John says when he's in an area where there's a lot of black bear activity, he's more worried about slipping on a pile of bear poop and falling than he is about being attacked.
"That's because I do the worrying and praying for him," his wife Sonya interjects. When John is in the field, days can go by without any contact with home. In case of emergency, he carries a satellite phone. Used in conjunction with GPS, he can provide precise coordinates for his location. Recently he's begun using SPOT satellite messengering to update Sonya on his whereabouts.
"I figure I've got a few more years left in me," he says. "Being outdoors keeps me feeling good."
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The Canon PowerShot D20 is a waterproof and shock-proof point-and-shoot camera featuring a 12.1-megapixel CMOS sensor with 5x optical zoom functionality and built-in GPS. The PowerShot D20 records video at Full HD 1080p. Description |
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Assault on 200 BLOCK OF LAKE AV, ELYRIA, OH |
Assault - 2XX LAKE AV, ELYRIA, OH
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Local news for Elyria provided by
Lorain man, woman arrested in connection with home burglary (by The Chronicle-Telegram)
ELYRIA - A Lorain man and woman were arrested Thursday after a homeowner interrupted a burglary in progress, according to a press release from the Lorain County Sheriff's Office.
LaGrange, Grafton crime watch, Friday, Aug. 23 (by The Chronicle-Telegram)
7:40 p.m. - North Center Street, Charles Thompson, 53, Elyria, charged with driving under suspension and possession of marijuana.
Man pleads guilty to string of charges after saying more police should have been killed by gunman (by The Chronicle-Telegram)
ELYRIA - " Johnny Smith Jr. pleaded guilty Friday to a string of charges for a May incident in which he struggled with Elyria police officers trying to arrest him.
Woman argues with judge, ends up setting contempt of court record (by The Chronicle-Telegram)
Ebony Burks earned the dubious distinction earlier this month of drawing the longest jail sentence that Elyria Municipal Court Judge Gary Bennett has ever handed down for contempt of court.
Nerf Gunfight Brings Police To Ohio School (by KHQ-TV Spokane)
Police say confusion over a phone message about a toy gun fight prompted a false report of a shooting at a Cleveland-area school on the first day of class.


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NHL 2K10 IS A BIG-TIME PARTY. AND EVERYONE'S INVITED. True hockey fans will respect the enhanced graphics, new animations and the improved A.I. Everyone will enjoy the pick-up-and-shoot controls. NHL 2K10 is the next evolution of sports games from 2K Sports. Get the party started with NHL 2K10.
Buy Xbox content on Xbox.com. Your Xbox 360 console will automatically download the content next time you turn it on and connect to Xbox LIVE.
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Off-Season Riding - JD Beach
It was a busy month full of racing and traveling. We have had a few races in DuQuoin and I've been traveling to do some SuperCamps. » more
It was a busy month full of racing and traveling. We have had a few races in DuQuoin and I've been traveling to do some SuperCamps. » more
I'm super excited to go race in Mexico next weekend. Riding a new track is always a challenge, and I'll be racing in Mexico City for the first time. » more
Hi everyone, hope you guys are doing well. I know it's been awhile since the last race but I still wanted to get this update out to you guys. » more
The 2012 season was incredible for me, consisting of 4 RACE WINS, 11 PODIUMS, 8 POLES, and 5 MOST LAPS LED. The competition in the Harley-Davidson XR1200 class has been extremely competitive and exciting for both the racers and the fans » more
Hi everyone! What a race weekend we had in Homestead-Miami. This was the first time in many years that AMA Pro Racing has held a race at this speedway.. » more
I was on a bit of a high after Laguna Seca. It was the biggest round of the year with thousands and thousands of fans and 55 riders trying to make the grid in SuperSport. » more
Life is GOOD. Speaking of GOOD, check out the this latest update on the action at New Jersey... » more
So the weekend at New Jersey was quite an experience, I seemed to just be having a little bad luck and made one big mistake in Saturdays morning qualifying which ruined my weekend because I didn't race either race » more
I'm a happy camper these days, for many reasons, but one of those reasons seems to stand out above all at this point. We're racing! » more
Hi everyone! I am finally able to get out a great report on my Laguna Seca experience. It was amazing! First of all after Mid-Ohio I reported I had a birthday and received a cool motivational video from my dad » more
On Saturday at Indy, I experienced some of the most emotionally dynamic few hours of my life. 5-laps into the XR1200 race at the famed brickyard » more
Another month has blown by us and I have finished up two races and getting ready to start more. We had some races at Mid-Ohio and Laguna Seca. » more
My first introduction to roadracing was at Laguna Seca when I was only 9 years old. I was still riding a Yamaha PW80 at the time but the look, sound and smell of being at Laguna made me want to be one of those lightning fast heroes! » more
Benny talks about the issues that faced him throughout the weekend and what he had to do to overcome them at the famed Mazda Raceway Laguna Seca. » more
Rispoli talks about his birthday and racing from Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course in his latest iReport. » more


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Hilda (game)
Hilda トウコ Tōko | |
Art from Black and White | |
Gender | Female |
Eye color | Blue |
Hair color | Dark brown |
Hometown | Nuvema Town |
Region | Unova |
Relatives | Mother (as player) |
Trainer class | Pokémon Trainer, Player character |
Generation | V |
Games | Black, White |
Manga counterpart(s) | White |
Hilda (Japanese: トウコ Tōko) is the female player character in Pokémon Black and White. Her male counterpart is Hilbert.
In the games
Pokémon Black and White
As the protagonist
Hilda is a girl who lives in Nuvema Town, along with her childhood friends, Cheren and Bianca. If chosen as the player, she will receive a starter Pokémon and a Pokédex from Professor Juniper. After setting off on her Pokémon journey at the same time as Cheren and Bianca, Hilda will at some point be asked by Fennel to do some sort of quest; in return for its completion, Hilda will receive a C-Gear.
As well as encountering and battling her childhood friends at various points during her journey, Hilda will also meet a man known as N, who wishes to create separate worlds for humans and Pokémon. In order to achieve his goals, he and Hilda will battle several times during the course of the game. Hilda will also battle Team Plasma at various stages of her journey. At the game's climax, Hilda is recognized as a hero by Reshiram or Zekrom, depending on the version.
As a non-playable character
If not chosen as the player, Hilda appears as the player's partner in the Battle Subway when choosing to ride the Multi-Train. Two of the following Pokémon are picked from the corresponding list, depending on what the player wants her to base her team on. If the player chooses "A balance between the two," Hilda's Pokémon are chosen from either list.
Pokémon Black 2 and White 2
In Black 2 and White 2, the protagonist of Black and White was said to be searching for N and has not returned home.
Liberty Garden artwork with Victini and Hilbert | Battle Subway artwork |
Hilda's sprite from Black and White |
Hilda's Wonder Launcher sprite from Black and White |
Hilda's sprite from Black 2 and White 2 |
Hilda's Wonder Launcher sprite from Black 2 and White 2 |
Hilda's back sprite from Black and White |
Hilda's VS sprite from Black and White |
Hilda's Xtransceiver sprite from Black and White |
Hilda's intro sprite from Black and White |
Hilda's overworld sprite from Black and White |
Hilda has a counterpart in the Pokémon Adventures manga named White, who debuted in the Black & White chapter. She owns a company called the BW Agency, and gets the idea to hire Black upon seeing the bond the latter's Tepig had with a female of its species.
- Prior to the release of Black and White, pre-release media and most fans referred to Hilda as "White".
- English demos of Black and White referred to Hilda as "Whitlea".
- English pre-release screenshots referred to Hilda as "Shiro" (the Japanese word for White).
- Hilda and Hilbert are the first player characters in the main series not to have preprogrammed names either by choice or in case one isn't specified.
- In the May 2010 volume of CoroCoro Comics, it was stated that Hilda and Hilbert are older than previous player characters, but it is not known how much older they are.
Language | Name | Origin |
Japanese | トウコ Tōko | From 闘 tō, fight. |
English | Hilda | From the Germanic element hild, battle. Also very similar to German word Held, "protagonist" or "hero". |
French | Ludvina | Similar to Ludwig (Hilbert). |
German | Lotta | Possibly from lotta, Italian for fight. |
Italian | Anita | Similar to Athena. |
Spanish | Liza | From liza, battle or battlefield. |
Korean | 투희 Tuhui | From 鬪姬 tuhui, fighting maiden. |
Non-player characters in the Core series games | ||||||||||||||||
This game character article is part of Project CharacterDex, a Bulbapedia project that aims to write comprehensive articles on each character found in the Pokémon games. |


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Item: | Dimensions: | Weight: |
Deluxe Wood Easel | 48" H x 24" W x 25.5" D | 27 - 32.9 lbs |
Other: | Quick Shipping |
Product Category: | Easels |
Style: | Whiteboard |
Type: | Children's |
Questions & Answers
KidKraft Deluxe Wood Easel
Great Easel Leslie from Knoxville, TN– Verified Buyer Looks great! Needed an easel that was big enough for my tall girl, this fit the bill. Fairly easy to put together. |
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Just what we were looking for Darren from Powell, OH My 3 and 5 year old daughters loved receiving this gift for Christmas. It is very well made and was easy to put together. Highly recommended! |
White easel Chloe from Annandale, VA– Verified Buyer Very pretty and sturdy white easel. My 3 year old loves to paint and draw on it. The chalkboard and dry erase boards are great! we use dry erase crayons and crayola washable markers on the dry erase board and sidewalk chalk on the chalkboard and they clean off well. My only complaint is that the white paint finish of the easel stains easily. When my daughter gets even washable watercolor paint on the trim or tray of the easel a permanent visible darkish shadow is left behind after I clean it. I now line the tray with paper towel to prevent more staining when she paints. |
Good product, awful assembly andrew from Wayland, MA I'm happy with what this product ultimately is, how it's designed and it's heft, etc. The problem is the assembly was awful for me. Screws did not align properly, the machining was poor. I left about 14 of the screws out and it's pretty sturdy as is after 3 months of use. |
Super glue to the rescue! Megan from Texas– Verified Buyer A piece of the easel arrived broken. We super glued it and it held up fine for a while, but now I'm starting to see it crack again and it's getting a little banged up over time. We've only had it since Christmas. It's an okay easel for an 18 month old. |
Easel M from Utah The easel is a good quality. The tray was out of place when it arrived so we had to pop it back in. I do feel that it was a good value. |
Grammie Patrice from Durham, ME– Verified Buyer Although I knew this before I ordered, the addition of a magnetic white board would make this item a FIVE!! The quality of the chalk board could also be a little better! |
Easel Lois from Allentown, NJ– Verified Buyer Easy to assemble and my granddaughter loves it. The storage space is a great feature. |
My grandson loves it Charles from Alameda, CA– Verified Buyer A well designed and attractive easel. our five year old grandson loves it and so do his parents. |


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MLA '12: Automated Roommate Match Service [BETA]
This is a fully automated service to provide contacts to librarians who wish to share a room at MLA '12 in Seattle. To search for a potential roommate, please fill in the form below and hit continue; the system will automatically search for a match in the database. NOTE: the system ONLY will match GENDER and SMOKING and will tell you if it has found a match and notify both you and your prospective roommate via email. The email will include your other details (circadian clock, age group, etc.) and you will receive the same details about your contact.It is your responsibility to contact your prospective roommate and make arrangements and reservations. This web service is for helping prospective meeting roommates to exchange contact information only.
If the system cannot find a roommate for you immediately, your data will be stored and compared with future incoming requests. In case of a match, you will be notified via email as described above.
Note: whenever there is a match, the entries of both matched contacts are removed from the database and are not available for future matches. If your first match does not work out, come back and try again!
Initial script courtesy of The Society for Comparative and Integrative Biology (SICB) and modified for MLA '12 by MLA headquarters staff.


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Compatible Printing Ribbon for the Epson TM-267IIStop overpaying for Epson brand ribbons and supplies for your Epson TM-267II. Our compatible ERC-23/ ERC-23BR is manufactured to meet the same original standards as the Epson OEM (Original Equipment Manufacturer) ribbons. We offer a One Year 100% Quality & Satisfaction Guarantee on Epson TM-267II ribbons and supplies!
Save Even More [Click to find out how]One Year 100% Guarantee [read more]We carry a One year 100% Quality & Satisfaction guarantee on all our compatible printing ribbons. If you are having difficulties installing your cartridge, or are dissatisfied for any reason please contact us at 888.321.2552 M-F 5am to 7pm, Sat&Sun 7am to 4pm PST to set up a replacement or return. Worried About Your Printer Warranty? |


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(Update: Yeah there will be.
SJ's Raffi Torres will have disciplinary hearing with NHL for hit on LA's Jarret Stoll. Sounds like request is for an in-person hearing.
— Bob McKenzie (@TSNBobMcKenzie) May 15, 2013
Part of me wonders if they won't just tell him to f*** off and not come back, but that probably wouldn't be very professional.)
The facts:
Raffi Torres comes from below the goal line and up to take care of his role defensively. As he skates up in the Kings' zone, he sees that Jarret Stoll is going to get possession of the hockey puck. Being a physical player, he decides to throw a hit. Stoll has bent down to play the puck with his glove. Torres hits him with his shoulder, impacting Stoll on the side of his head and shoulder simultaneously.
My opinion:
I think it's a bad hit, I really do. Read the rest of this entry »


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« Tinie Tempah Performs 'Till I'm Gone' on 'Leno' [Video]Tiny Claims Prison Officials Have 'Personal Vendetta' Against T.I. »Amy Winehouse Speaks on Dream Duet with Tony Bennett [Video]Before her untimely death, Amy Winehouse lived out a dream of working with the legendary Tony Bennett on a remake of his record "Body and Soul." The jazz standard, her last completed song, was recorded in March at London's Abbey Road Studios and will appear on Bennett's 85th birthday album Duets II, due September 20. The late singer shows a funnier side in the preview clip, asking the interviewer if she can call Bennett "Ton" and imitating her father Mitch. She recalls when her dad asked her if she knew "Body and Soul," his favorite Bennett song. "He was like, 'Do you even know it?' And I'm like, 'Of course I know it, Mitchell.' I'm your daughter. Of course I know it." The full video and song will premiere September 14. Proceeds will benefit The Amy Winehouse Foundation, providing support for young people suffering from substance and alcohol abuse. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site. 6 Comments
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Shaker Library announces the winners in its 14th Annual Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Student Writing Contest.
This year`s writing prompt had a centennial theme: One of the important events in our city's 100-year history occurred in 1965, when Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. visited Shaker Heights and spoke on the steps of Heights Christian Church. If Dr. King could return to those steps today, what would his message be?
Winners of the Shaker Library`s 14th Annual Martin Luther King, Jr. Strudent Writing Contest are: Grades 3 & 4 1st Place: Sean Hall, Onaway Elementary School, 4th Grade 2nd Place: Sam Puussaar, Lomond Elementary School, 4th Grade 3rd Place: Danielle Krantz, Mercer Elementary School, 3rd Grade
Grades 5 & 6 1st Place: Kayla Corlew, Woodbury Elementary School, 5th Grade 2nd Place: Katherine Asbeck, Laurel School, 6th Grade 3rd Place: Connor Henning, St. Dominic School, 6th Grade
Grades 7 & 8 1st Place: Lysia Cook, St. Dominic School, 8th Grade 2nd Place: Dana Fann, St. Dominic School, 8th Grade 3rd Place: Courtney Tyree, St. Dominic School, 8th Grade
Special thanks to the judges, Cheryl Darden, Ann Fink, Tonya Huffman, and April Hall, who read all the excellent essays.


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There are 3 possible causes of excessive growth of body hair, no menstrual period, weight gain
Viewing 3 of 3 results
Possible Causes - Listed in order from the most common to the least.
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which a woman's levels of the sex hormones estrogen and ...
Ovarian Cysts
Most women will develop at least one cyst on their ovaries during their lives. In most cases, these cysts are...
Cushing Syndrome
Cushing Syndrome occurs when the body has high levels of the hormone cortisol. This can happen for a variety ...
This feature is for informational purposes only and should not be used to diagnose.
Please consult a healthcare professional if you have health concerns.
Please consult a healthcare professional if you have health concerns.
Click to add a symptom to your list
- Top Symptoms


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www.harvestreno.org. Part 3-2 of the "Times of the Signs" Disputes replacement theology, god is not done with the jews. Also breaks down all the Nations that will join Russia to come against Israel in the last days.
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Main Content
Get geared up for the 2010 FIFA World Cup in South Africa in this premium USA tee by adidas featuring a stylized eagle and star mascot printed on the chest and a custom adidas 3 Stripe pattern woven at the bottom hem!
- Lightweight premium jersey T-shirt
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text: __group__ ticket summary owner component _version priority severity milestone type _status workflow _created modified _description _reporter 3.9 21876 unregister_default_headers() will sometimes return null Appearance 3.4.2 normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new dev-feedback 2012-09-12T19:23:07Z 2014-02-28T17:15:37Z "File: wp-includes/theme.php Function: unregister_default_headers() Line: ~1046 Problem: PHPDoc comment says: @return True on success, false on failure. Expected: true or false: Actual: `var_dump(unregister_default_headers(array('FAKE')));` will return NULL Suggested fix, change: {{{ function unregister_default_headers( $header ) { global $_wp_default_headers; if ( is_array( $header ) ) { array_map( 'unregister_default_headers', $header ); } elseif ( isset( $_wp_default_headers[ $header ] ) ) { unset( $_wp_default_headers[ $header ] ); return true; } else { return false; } } }}} To: {{{ function unregister_default_headers( $header ) { global $_wp_default_headers; if ( is_array( $header ) ) { $_ret = array_map( 'unregister_default_headers', $header ); return in_array(false, $_ret, true) ? false : true; } elseif ( isset( $_wp_default_headers[ $header ] ) ) { unset( $_wp_default_headers[ $header ] ); return true; } else { return false; } } }}} Thank you for your consideration." conner_bw 3.9 26967 Admin Help on edit-comments.php is incorrect Comments trunk normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new has-patch 2014-01-31T04:13:26Z 2014-02-09T20:56:50Z "The admin help on edit-comments.php (under Moderating Comments) says the following: A yellow row means the comment is waiting for you to moderate it. This is incorrect. A comment that requires moderation has a red bar beside it." siobhan 3.9 26936 Create new dashicons General trunk normal minor 3.9 task (blessed) new 2014-01-25T18:00:14Z 2014-03-13T20:29:12Z "Let's use this ticket as a general Dashicons icon request ticket. First requests: - Code (> or <>) - Carriage return (https://cloudup.com/cF6LW5AKKMk) - Line break - Paragraph" melchoyce 3.9 16482 Visibility: password-protected breaks with redirected domains Login and Registration 3.0.4 normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new dev-feedback 2011-02-07T18:58:45Z 2014-02-01T06:42:48Z "Pre-requisite to reproduce: domain.com must redirect to www.domain.com (haven't tested with other subdomains than www, but I'm sure it would be the same). 1. password protect a page 2. visit domain.com/protected (which redirects to www.domain.com/protected) 3. enter password 4. something about the redirect OR the way the password is stored/checked is broken; you are redirected to the wp-admin (WordPress login) page. Sanity check: 1. password protect a page 2. visit www.domain.com/protected (requiring no subdomain redirect) 3. enter password 4. successful log-in " monkeyhouse 3.9 25076 CSS issue with native video player and flash fallback on full screen Media 3.6 normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new 2013-08-18T21:02:34Z 2014-03-07T10:55:34Z "Hi, I noticed there's a bug with the CSS and the new native video player introduced in v3.6. This is how it looks when not using full screen: [[Image(http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/1374/g0n.png)]] And this is how it looks when using full screen: [[Image(http://img823.imageshack.us/img823/7278/qna.png)]] It automatically changes the color of the bar. This is the shortcode I'm using to show the video: {{{ [video src=""video.mp4"" width=""640"" height=""360"" autoplay=""true"" loop=""true""] }}} I tested this on a fresh WP 3.6 installation with Twenty Thirteen theme. This is the CSS: {{{ .mejs-container, .mejs-embed, .mejs-embed body { background: #464646; } .mejs-controls .mejs-time-rail .mejs-time-loaded { background: #21759b; } .mejs-controls .mejs-time-rail .mejs-time-current { background: #d54e21; } .me-cannotplay { width: auto !important; } }}} I also tested it on a post and on a page, happens the same on both." leandroprz 3.9 17864 "Small bug when using ""wp_delete_file"" filter" Morten Rugaard Media 3.1.3 normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new has-patch 2011-06-21T20:40:36Z 2014-01-19T05:54:52Z "Hi, I came acrossed this little annoying bugger, when I was playing around with upload filters. When I added the ""wp_delete_file"", I kept getting this error: {{{ #!php Notice: Undefined index: path in /volume1/web/dev/favola_dk/wp-includes/post.php on line 3757 }}} I then digged down in the line, where the error was occuring and I find this little bugger (the bold line is line 3757): {{{ #!php // remove intermediate and backup images if there are any foreach ( get_intermediate_image_sizes() as $size ) { if ( $intermediate = image_get_intermediate_size($post_id, $size) ) { $intermediate_file = apply_filters('wp_delete_file', $intermediate['path']); @ unlink( path_join($uploadpath['basedir'], $intermediate_file) ); } } }}} I noticed when I var_dump() the $size, that ""path"" is not within the array at any time. And the funny thing is, if you go down the next block in the code you'll see this: {{{ #!php if ( is_array($backup_sizes) ) { foreach ( $backup_sizes as $size ) { $del_file = path_join( dirname($meta['file']), $size['file'] ); $del_file = apply_filters('wp_delete_file', $del_file); @ unlink( path_join($uploadpath['basedir'], $del_file) ); } } }}} Here it uses the index ""file"", which is the one I was expecting to recieve in the former block." DuGi_dk 3.9 20589 domain_exists should add trailing slash to path Networks and Sites 3.0 normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new has-patch 2012-05-01T16:49:18Z 2014-03-02T04:50:36Z {{{insert_blog}}} runs {{{trailingslashit}}} on the path, however, {{{domain_exists}}} uses whatever is passed in. If WP is enforcing the trailing slash on blog insertion, it really should when checking existence. It should probably also cast the site_id as an int per {{{insert_blog}}}. ejdanderson 3.9 3670 Removing CDATA close tag ( ]]> ) unbalances the CDATA block andy Posts, Post Types 2.1 normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new has-patch 2007-01-25T05:55:47Z 2014-02-15T18:34:39Z "I'm not sure if this is a bug per se, but it breaks included JS in my posts that are escaped with a CDATA section. I've basically commented out the following line in the_content() every time I upgrade: //$content = str_replace(']]>', ']]>', $content); A user on the wp-testers list indicated that this was part of making sure that included CDATA blocks didn't break RSS feeds. I don't use CDATA sections directly in my RSS feeds, so I haven't tested this. In my particular case, the JS is used to embed Flash movies (e.g. YouTube videos) in an XHTML compliant way (without embed tags). I have a custom plugin I've written that strips out the JS and replaces it with the embed tag in the RSS feed. Perhaps we should use a flag to activate this when the app is going through a feed. Ideally, though, it would simply be removed. Odds are that the CDATA block is being used for a JS block in a post body, and since most RSS aggregators don't allow JS by default, it would be safe to simply remove CDATA blogs if is_feed() is set." scenic 3.9 23862 Clean up old WP->public_query_vars and WP->private_query_vars Query normal trivial 3.9 defect (bug) new has-patch 2013-03-25T19:20:07Z 2014-01-19T08:36:45Z "There are some old non-working public_query_vars still in the WP class that should be cleaned up. * posts - broken 10 years ago http://core.trac.wordpress.org/changeset/182/trunk/blog.header.php * search - hasn't done anything since wp_query was created * calendar - don't see support since 'b2' * pb - don't see support since 'b2' * static - only used in determining if is_page, though it no longer works correctly, added http://core.trac.wordpress.org/changeset/1527/trunk, but functionality was partially changed the next commit Also, since 'post_type' is now a public_query_var, it can be removed from the private_query_vars. " prettyboymp 3.9 15667 wp_list_pages, if it finds no pages to display, shows random child pages instead because of a bug in get_pages() jackreichert Query 3.0.2 normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) assigned needs-unit-tests 2010-12-03T19:12:46Z 2014-03-11T12:29:23Z "How to reproduce:[[BR]] - About page is published - additionally, there is a number of parent pages[[BR]] - these each have a number of children[[BR]] - when calling wp_list_pages(), the ""exclude"" attr excludes all parent pages, and display only the About page. This works as long as there is at least 1 other page published that is not in the list of excluded IDs. In this example, as soon as the About page is set to ""draft"", wp_list_pages stops working correctly. So... with no other pages besides the excluded ones published, we do this: 1) wp_list_pages('title_li=&depth=1&exclude=3,5,7'); => wp_list_pages SHOULD return nothing, but instead it displays all child pages of the first parent page ID in the ""exclude"" attr (here: 3). Now we now add the ""exclude_tree"" attr just for fun: 2) wp_list_pages('title_li=&depth=1&exclude=3,5,7&exclude_tree=3,5,7'); => should again return nothing, but instead, it displays the first-ever published child page globally (here: a child page of 5). It looked like random behavior at first but I've been able to identify the above pattern. I'm guessing it's a failing condition somewhere in the function." bobsoap 3.9 23307 shortcode_parse_atts may return empty string Shortcodes normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new needs-unit-tests 2013-01-28T11:08:50Z 2014-02-20T13:08:55Z "See http://core.trac.wordpress.org/browser/tags/3.5.1/wp-includes/shortcodes.php#L243 . If there are no attributes in a shortcode e.g. `[foobar]`, then shortcode_parse_atts returns an empty string. This is not reflected in the long description or `@return` tag. Ideally though, it should return an empty array, so that it's not only consistent, but writing a shortcode function can type hint the `$atts` argument to be an array e.g. {{{ add_shortcode( 'foo', 'my_shortcode' ); function my_shortcode( array $atts ) { ... } }}} This might also be combined with checking if the incoming `$text` is empty, and returning an empty array immediately." GaryJ 3.9 26664 Removing unnecessary and uncalled function update_right_now_message() Upgrade/Install 3.8 normal minor 3.9 defect (bug) new commit 2013-12-17T14:45:27Z 2014-03-15T15:49:17Z "the function '''update_right_now_message()''' in WordPress 3.8 has no reason to exist because of the new widget 'At Glance' {{{ /wp-admin/includes/update.php #line 223 }}}" rvola 3.9 27115 HTTPS links to wordpress.org johnbillion* Administration low minor 3.9 task (blessed) accepted has-patch 2014-02-12T21:19:55Z 2014-03-08T04:13:29Z "It appears that wordpress.org now favours an SSL connection, although it is not currently enforced. [https://www.google.com/search?q=wordpress Googling for WordPress returns a link to https://wordpress.org] and once you're on the site, the HTTPS links persist. We should convert all wordpress.org links in the dashboard to HTTPS links. Any objections?" johnbillion 3.9 26403 Convert path to lower case before matching for blog Bootstrap/Load 3.0 low minor 3.9 defect (bug) new dev-feedback 2013-12-04T18:13:10Z 2014-03-07T10:19:34Z "Lets take example of blog a blog example.com/mynewblog . Some users may type it example.com/MyNewBlog, others example.com/mynewblog and any variations inbetween. There is no intensive for having mixed case blognames, it only leads to confusion among users. Make blog path lowercase before trying to match a blog. Patch made against trunk." codix 3.9 25478 Add style class hook to wp-activate.php screen so default themes can style them better Login and Registration low minor 3.9 defect (bug) new has-patch 2013-10-03T11:11:29Z 2014-01-24T05:54:49Z "Screenshot: http://cl.ly/RkeB Sadly, there is no container CSS class, like we have on `wp-signup.php` (`.mu_register`). Not sure if it's fixable in theme. Otherwise we should add a wrapper on `wp-activate.php`, see attached patch as an example." ocean90 3.9 26968 Theme Administration Screen: Not enough themes displayed at high resolutions Themes 3.8 low minor 3.9 defect (bug) new 2014-01-31T06:18:18Z 2014-01-31T21:06:44Z "I run a high resolution display (2560x1600) and not enough themes are displayed when you first visit the Themes page in the admin area. If you watch carefully, you can see them there and then they quickly disappear when the page finishes loading. It initially made me think that some of my themes weren't being recognized. If there are still more themes to load and display, then why are we showing the ""Add New Theme"" item? A tiny scroll makes them show up. Screenshot attached. There are actually more themes to be displayed than those shown in the screenshot. (Sorry if this is a dupe, I had trouble finding specific enough keywords to search on.)" Viper007Bond 3.8.2 26910 "Red ""unapproved"" line sometimes shows on approve comments" Comments 3.8 lowest trivial 3.8.2 defect (bug) new has-patch 2014-01-23T03:27:33Z 2014-02-18T01:10:17Z "See attached screenshot. If the most recent comment is an approved one, and the second most recent comment is an unapproved one, then the (by-default) red ""unapproved"" line will bleed into the approved comment. The background color of both comments is appropriate, however." samuelsidler 3.9 14376 "admin post.php fails html validation due to use of ""["" in name/id/for of hidden custom fields" Posts, Post Types 3.0 lowest normal 3.9 defect (bug) new has-patch 2010-07-21T07:37:54Z 2014-02-09T13:19:25Z "Post.php is causing many many html validation errors due to hidden screen reader text for post meta fields mainly. Not a major problem, but annoying when attempting to validate admin plugin code. eg: {{{ Key character ""["" is not allowed in the value of attribute ""id"" character ""["" is not allowed in the value of attribute ""for"" }}} ""["" are allowed in the name attribute. So perhaps one could simply strip them out them for the 'id' and the 'for'? Other failed validation messages that occur a lot and appear to be wp generated code: - ID ""_ajax_nonce"" already defined - reference to non-existent ID ""metakeyselect"" " anmari


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Cylinder Selection and Installation Considerations
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A Study of the Safety and Pharmacokinetics of Escalating Doses of DSTP3086S in Patients With Metastatic Castration-Resistant Prostate Cancer
This study is ongoing, but not recruiting participants.
Information provided by (Responsible Party):
ClinicalTrials.gov Identifier:
First received: January 21, 2011
Last updated: March 4, 2014
Last verified: March 2014
- Full Text View
- Tabular View
- No Study Results Posted
- Disclaimer
- How to Read a Study Record
This is a Phase I, multicenter, open-label, dose-escalation study of DSTP3086S administered as a single agent by intravenous (IV) infusion to patients with metastatic Castration-Resistant Prostate Cancer (CRPC).
Condition | Intervention | Phase |
Prostate Cancer |
Drug: DSTP3086S |
Phase 1 |
Study Type: | Interventional |
Study Design: | Allocation: Non-Randomized Intervention Model: Single Group Assignment Masking: Open Label Primary Purpose: Treatment |
Official Title: | A Phase I, Open-Label Study of the Safety and Pharmacokinetics of Escalating Doses of DSTP3086S in Patients With Metastatic Castration-Resistant Prostate Cancer |
Resource links provided by NLM:
Further study details as provided by Genentech:
Primary Outcome Measures:
- Incidence and nature of dose-limiting toxicities (DLTs) [ Time Frame: Days 1-21 ] [ Designated as safety issue: No ]
Secondary Outcome Measures:
- Area under the concentration-time curve [ Time Frame: Up to 1 year ] [ Designated as safety issue: No ]
- Maximum and minimum concentrations [ Time Frame: Up to 1 year ] [ Designated as safety issue: No ]
- Clearance [ Time Frame: Up to 1 year ] [ Designated as safety issue: No ]
- Half-life [ Time Frame: Up to 1 year ] [ Designated as safety issue: No ]
- Volume of distribution [ Time Frame: Up to 1 year ] [ Designated as safety issue: No ]
Enrollment: | 67 |
Study Start Date: | March 2011 |
Estimated Study Completion Date: | February 2015 |
Estimated Primary Completion Date: | February 2015 (Final data collection date for primary outcome measure) |
Arms | Assigned Interventions |
Experimental: A |
Drug: DSTP3086S
Escalating intravenous dose
Ages Eligible for Study: | 18 Years and older |
Genders Eligible for Study: | Male |
Accepts Healthy Volunteers: | No |
Inclusion Criteria:
- Eastern Cooperative Oncology Group (ECOG) performance status of 0, 1, or 2
- Life expectancy of at least 12 weeks
- Histologic documentation of adenocarcinoma of the prostate
- Surgical castration or ongoing use of gonadotropin-releasing hormone agonists with confirmed castrate levels of testosterone
- Metastatic progressive CRPC defined as progressive disease despite surgical castration or ongoing use of gonadotropin-releasing hormone agonists with confirmed castrate levels of testosterone
- For patients in the dose-expansion cohort of the study, not more than two prior lines of cytotoxic chemotherapy in the metastatic setting
- Evaluable or measurable disease
- Documented willingness to use an effective means of contraception
Exclusion Criteria:
- Anti-tumor therapy, including chemotherapy, biologic, experimental, or hormonal therapy, or radiotherapy within 4 weeks prior to Day 1, with the following exceptions: maintenance hormonal therapy for metastatic prostate cancer and palliative radiation to bone metastases within 2 weeks prior to Day 1
- Major surgical procedure within 4 weeks prior to Day 1
- Known active bacterial, viral, fungal, mycobacterial, or other infection (including HIV and atypical mycobacterial disease, but excluding fungal infections of the nail beds)
- Ongoing corticosteroid use with > 10 mg of daily prednisone or equivalent
- Symptomatic hypercalcemia requiring continued use of bisphosphonate therapy. Patients who are receiving bisphosphonate therapy specifically to prevent skeletal events and who do not have a history of clinically significant hypercalcemia are eligible.
- History of severe allergic or anaphylactic reactions to monoclonal antibody therapy (or recombinant antibody-related fusion proteins)
- Clinically significant history of liver disease, including viral or other hepatitis, current alcohol abuse, or cirrhosis
- Untreated or active central nervous system (CNS) metastases. Patients with a history of treated CNS metastases are eligible, provided that they meet all of the following criteria: evaluable or measurable disease outside the CNS, radiographic demonstration of improvement upon the completion of CNS-directed therapy and no evidence of interim progression between the completion of CNS-directed therapy and the screening radiographic study, and screening CNS radiographic study is >/= 8 weeks since completion of radiotherapy and >/= 4 weeks since the discontinuation of corticosteroids and anticonvulsants
Contacts and Locations
Please refer to this study by its ClinicalTrials.gov identifier: NCT01283373
United States, California | |
San Francisco, California, United States, 94115 | |
United States, Illinois | |
Chicago, Illinois, United States, 60637 | |
United States, Michigan | |
Detroit, Michigan, United States, 48201 | |
United States, New York | |
New York, New York, United States, 10065 | |
United States, Washington | |
Seattle, Washington, United States, 98195 |
Sponsors and Collaborators
Study Director: | Bernard Fine, M.D. | Genentech |
More Information
No publications provided
Additional relevant MeSH terms:
ClinicalTrials.gov processed this record on March 10, 2014
No publications provided
Responsible Party: | Genentech |
ClinicalTrials.gov Identifier: | NCT01283373 History of Changes |
Other Study ID Numbers: | DST4964g, GO00768 |
Study First Received: | January 21, 2011 |
Last Updated: | March 4, 2014 |
Health Authority: | United States: Food and Drug Administration |
Additional relevant MeSH terms:
Prostatic Neoplasms Genital Neoplasms, Male Urogenital Neoplasms Neoplasms by Site |
Neoplasms Genital Diseases, Male Prostatic Diseases |
ClinicalTrials.gov processed this record on March 10, 2014