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My So-Called Ex-Gay Life
Early in my freshman year of high school, I came home to find my mom sitting on her bed, crying. She had snooped through my e-mail and discovered a message in which I confessed to having a crush on a male classmate.
"Are you gay?" she asked. I blurted out that I was.
"I knew it, ever since you were a little boy."
Her resignation didn't last long. My mom is a problem solver, and the next day she handed me a stack of papers she had printed out from the Internet about reorientation, or "ex-gay," therapy. I threw them away. I said I didn't see how talking about myself in a therapist's office was going to make me stop liking guys. My mother responded by asking whether I wanted a family, then posed a hypothetical: "If there were a pill you could take that would make you straight, would you take it?"
I admitted that life would be easier if such a pill existed. I hadn't thought about how my infatuation with boys would play out over the course of my life. In fact, I had always imagined myself middle-aged, married to a woman, and having a son and daughter—didn't everyone want some version of that?
"The gay lifestyle is very lonely," she said.
She told me about Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, a clinical psychologist in California who was then president of the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), the country's largest organization for practitioners of ex-gay therapy. She said Nicolosi had treated hundreds of people who were now able to live "normal" lives.
I read through the papers my mom had salvaged from the trash. They were interviews with Nicolosi's patients, who talked about how therapy helped them overcome depression and feel "comfortable in their masculinity." The testimonials seemed genuine, and the patients, grateful. I agreed to fly with my father to Los Angeles from our small town on the Arizona-Mexico border for an initial consultation.
The Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic was on the 13th floor of a modern building on Ventura Boulevard, one of the San Fernando Valley's main thoroughfares. Nicolosi's corner office had emerald-green carpet and mahogany bookshelves lined with titles like Homosexuality: A Freedom Too Far and Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth. Middle-aged with thick, graying black hair, Nicolosi grew up in New York City and spoke with a faint Bronx accent. Brusque but affable, he put me at ease. When my father and I first sat down, Nicolosi explained what he meant by "cure." Although I might never feel a spark of excitement when I saw a woman walking down the street, as I progressed in therapy, my homosexual attractions would diminish. I might have lingering thoughts about men, but they would no longer control me.
Nicolosi's acknowledgment that change wouldn't be absolute made the theory seem reasonable. His confidence in the outcome made me hopeful. Until I had spoken with Nicolosi, I had resigned myself to the idea that, desirable or not, my life would have to accommodate the fact that I was gay. But maybe this was something I had power over.
For the last half of the session, I talked with Nicolosi alone. "Tell me about your friends at school," he said. I said I had two close female friends. "Male friends?" I admitted that I had always had trouble relating to boys my age. When I was in grade school, I preferred helping the teacher clean the classroom during breaks instead of playing sports.
"Are you open to therapy?" Nicolosi asked. "If you don't think this is working, you can stop anytime."
I agreed to start weekly sessions by phone. After our one-on-one meeting ended, I joined some of his other patients for group therapy. I was by far the youngest person there. The other men—four or five altogether—were in their forties and fifties and talked about their years in the "gay lifestyle," which had yielded only unhappiness. They wanted normal, fulfilling lives. They were tired of the club scene, the drug use, the promiscuity; their relationships didn't last; they complained that gay culture was youth-obsessed. If that was what being gay meant—and with 30-plus years on me, they would know—then I wanted to be normal, too.
I left the office with a copy of Nicolosi's most recent book, Healing Homosexuality, and a worksheet that categorized different emotions under the rubrics of "true self" and "false self." The true self felt masculine, was "adequate, on par," "secure, confident, capable," and "at home in [his] body." The false self did not feel masculine, was inadequate and insecure, and felt alienated from his body. This rang true. I had been teased throughout my childhood for being effeminate, and as a lanky, awkward teen with bad skin, I certainly was not at home in my body.
Another sheet illustrated the "triadic relationship" that led to homosexuality: a passive, distant father, an overinvolved mother, and a sensitive child. I was closer with my mother than my father. I was shy. The story seemed to fit, which was comforting: It gave me confidence that I could be cured.
According to Nicolosi, identification with a parent of the other gender is out of step with our biological and evolutionary "design." Because of this, it was impossible to ever become whole through gay relationships. I wanted to be whole.
On July 13, 1998—the same year I started therapy—a full-page ad appeared in The New York Times featuring a beaming woman with a diamond engagement ring and wedding band. "I'm proof that the truth can set you free," she proclaimed. The woman, Anne Paulk, said that molestation during adolescence led her to homosexuality, but that she had been healed through the power of Jesus Christ. The $600,000 ad campaign—sponsored by 15 religious-right organizations, including the Christian Coalition, the Family Research Council, and the American Family Association—ran for several weeks in such publications as The Washington Post, USA Today, and the Los Angeles Times. Robert Knight of the Family Research Council called it "the Normandy landing in the culture war."
With few voices to challenge the testimonials, reporters transmitted them as revelation. Newsweek ran a sympathetic cover story on change therapy, and national and regional papers published ex-gays' accounts. My mother might not have so easily found information about ex-gay therapy had the Christian right not planted this stake in the culture war.
The ad appeared 23 years after the American Psychiatric Association (APA) declassified homosexuality as a mental illness. As a consequence of that decision, extreme forms of reorientation therapy—aversion therapy involving electrocution or nausea-inducing drugs, for instance—had stopped being used. A small group of therapists continued to practice talk therapy that encouraged patients to see homosexuality as a developmental disorder, but they remained on the fringe until the Christian right took up their cause. This was a calculated political move. Instead of fire-and-brimstone denunciations from the pulpit, the ex-gay movement allowed the Christian right to couch its condemnation of homosexuality in a way that seemed compassionate. Focus on the Family called its new ex-gay ministry Love Won Out and talked about healing and caring for homosexuals.
The ex-gay movement turned the rhetoric of gay rights against itself: Shouldn't ex-gays be able to pursue therapy and live the lives they want without facing discrimination?
The two largest groups that provide ex-gay counseling are Exodus International, a nondenominational Christian organization, and NARTH, its secular counterpart. If Exodus is the spirit of the ex-gay movement, NARTH is the brain. The organizations share many members, and Exodus parrots the developmental theories about same-sex attractions espoused by NARTH. Together with the late Charles Socarides, a psychiatrist who led the opposition to declassifying homosexuality as a mental illness, Nicolosi formed NARTH in 1992 as a "scientific organization that offers hope to those who struggle with unwanted homosexuality." By 1998, the group was holding an annual conference, publishing its own journal, and training hundreds of psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors. Nicolosi remains NARTH's most visible advocate.
There are no reliable statistics for how many patients have received ex-gay treatment or how many therapists practice it, but in the late 1990s and early 2000s, ex-gay therapy enjoyed a legitimacy it hadn't since the APA removed homosexuality from its diagnostic manual. Exodus had 83 chapters in 34 states. Its president, Alan Chambers, claimed in 2004 that he knew "tens of thousands of people who have successfully changed their sexual orientation." Nicolosi appeared often on programs like Oprah, 20/20, and Larry King Live. Whether or not the Christian right's alliance with the ex-gay movement had constituted a D-Day in the culture wars, it had successfully challenged the prevailing idea that the best choice for gay people was to accept themselves.
After our initial meeting, I spoke with Nicolosi weekly by phone for more than three years, from the time I was 14 until I graduated high school. Like a rabbi instructing his student in understanding the Torah, Nicolosi encouraged me to interpret my daily life through the lens of his theories. I read in one of Nicolosi's books, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, that he tries to position himself as a supportive father figure, typifying the sort of relationship that he believes his patients never had with their own father. I indeed came to see him this way.
We mostly talked about how my damaged masculine identity manifested itself in my attractions to other boys. Nicolosi would ask me about my crushes at school and what I liked about them. Whether the trait was someone's build, good looks, popularity, or confidence, these conversations always ended with a redirect: Did I wish I had these traits? What might it feel like to be hugged by one of these guys? Did I want them to like and accept me?
Of course, I wanted to be as attractive as the classmates I admired; of course, I wanted to be accepted and liked by them. The line of questioning made me feel worse. Nicolosi explained, session after session, that I felt inadequate because I had not had sufficient male affirmation in childhood. I came to believe that my attraction to men was the result of the failure to connect with my father. Whenever I felt slighted by my male friends—for failing to call when they said they would, for neglecting to invite me to a party—I was re-experiencing a seminal rejection from my father. Most guys, I was told, let things like that roll off their back—an expression of their masculine confidence—but I was hurt by these things because it recalled prior trauma.
My parents were surprised at how the therapy blamed them for my condition. Initially, Nicolosi had told them they were one of the cases that did not fit the mold of the "triadic relationship"—in other words, that my sexual orientation was not their fault. Once it became clear that Nicolosi held them responsible, they disengaged. They continued paying for therapy but no longer checked in with Nicolosi regularly or asked what he and I talked about. I was happy to defy my parents. Whether the grievance was that my curfew wasn't late enough or that my parents didn't give me enough money, I had a trusted authority figure validating every perceived injustice. Any complaint became evidence of how my parents had failed me.
As I progressed in therapy, I felt that I was gaining insight into the source and causes of my sexual attractions. The problem was, they didn't go away. At Nicolosi's urging, I told my best friend that I had to distance myself from her. Instead, Nicolosi encouraged me to form "genuine nonsexual bonds" with other men. He paired me with another one of his patients, Ryan Kendall, who was my age and lived in Colorado. We spoke by phone every few days.
Most of our conversations were mundane. We talked about our friends and people we didn't like, recounting every high-school travail and triumph. But we frequently deviated from the therapist-approved, buddy-buddy talk that was supposed to repair us. We flirted, a novel experience for me; there were no openly gay people at my high school. Ryan and I described what we looked like to each other. He said he had brown hair and eyes and was short but cute; I said I was tall and skinny (but left out my bad skin). We promised to send each other pictures, though we never did.
"What would Nicolosi say?" we'd ask. It became a regular refrain, an acknowledgment that we were misbehaving. Part of the bond we developed was in our shared rebellion against our therapist. For me, it had less to do with opposing ex-gay therapy than with the giddy thrill of defying authority. Ryan was convinced that change was impossible—"Nicolosi's a quack," he once said. Despite my transgressions, I still believed in Nicolosi's theory. But my relationship with Ryan evinced a larger problem: While I was uncovering how my relationship with my parents continued to shape my inner life, I was still attracted to men. I chatted with older guys on the Internet and on a few occasions met them.
I felt guilty about this but trusted Nicolosi enough to admit I had been "experimenting." He told me to be careful of meeting men off the Internet but that I shouldn't dwell on it or feel guilty. He said my sexual behavior was of secondary importance. If I understood myself and worked on my relationships with men, the attractions would take care of themselves. I just had to be patient.
Late into my last year of high school, Nicolosi had a final conversation with my parents and told them that the treatment had been a success. "Your son will never enter the gay lifestyle," he assured them.
A few weeks later, our housekeeper caught me with a boy in our backyard. This marked the end of therapy for me. My parents were convinced it had failed because Nicolosi had blamed things on them rather than on my being teased by my male peers as a child. They sent me to another therapist. I had one session but refused to continue. While I still accepted Nicolosi's underlying theory about why people were gay, I believed that all the talking in the world couldn't change me. When I left for Yale, my mother sent me off with a warning: Were she to discover that I had "entered the gay lifestyle," my parents would no longer pay for my education. "I love you enough to stop you from hurting yourself," she said.
In 2001, the year I started college, the ex-gay movement's claims received a significant boost. In 1973, Columbia professor and prominent psychiatrist Robert Spitzer had led the effort to declassify homosexuality as a mental illness. Four years after Stonewall, it was a landmark event for the gay-rights movement. But 28 years later, Spitzer released a study that asserted change in one's sexual orientation was possible. Based on 200 interviews with ex-gay patients—the largest sample amassed—the study did not make any claims about the success rate of ex-gay therapy. But Spitzer concluded that, at least for a highly select group of motivated individuals, it worked. What translated into the larger culture was: The father of the 1973 revolution in the classification and treatment of homosexuality, who could not be seen as just another biased ex-gay crusader with an agenda, had validated ex-gay therapy.
An Associated Press story called it "explosive." In the words of one of Spitzer's gay colleagues, it was like "throwing a grenade into the gay community." For the ex-gay movement, it was a godsend. Whereas previous accounts of success had appeared in non-peer-reviewed, vanity, pay-to-publish journals like Psychological Reports, Spitzer's study was published in the prestigious Archives of Sexual Behavior.
Spitzer's study is still cited by ex-gay organizations as evidence that ex-gay therapy works. The study infuriated gay-rights supporters and many psychiatrists, who condemned its methodology and design. Participants had been referred to Spitzer by ex-gay groups like NARTH and Exodus, which had an interest in recommending clients who would validate their work. The claims of change were self-reports, and Spitzer had not compared them with a control group that would help him judge their credibility.
This spring, I visited Spitzer at his home in Princeton. He ambled toward the door in a walker. Frail but sharp-witted, Spitzer suffers from Parkinson's disease. "It's a bummer," he said. I told Spitzer that Nicolosi had asked me to participate in the 2001 study and recount my success in therapy, but that I never called him. "I actually had great difficulty finding participants," Spitzer said. "In all the years of doing ex-gay therapy, you'd think Nicolosi would have been able to provide more success stories. He only sent me nine patients."
"How'd it turn out for you?" he asked. I said that while I stayed in the closet for a few years more than I might have, I ended up accepting my sexuality. At the end of college, I began to have steady boyfriends, and in February of last year—ten years after my last session with Dr. Nicolosi—I married my partner.
Spitzer was drawn to the topic of ex-gay therapy because it was controversial—"I was always attracted to controversy"—but was troubled by how the study was received. He did not want to suggest that gay people should pursue ex-gay therapy. His goal was to determine whether the counterfactual—the claim that no one had ever changed his or her sexual orientation through therapy—was true.
I asked about the criticisms leveled at him. "In retrospect, I have to admit I think the critiques are largely correct," he said. "The findings can be considered evidence for what those who have undergone ex-gay therapy say about it, but nothing more." He said he spoke with the editor of the Archives of Sexual Behavior about writing a retraction, but the editor declined. (Repeated attempts to contact the journal went unanswered.)
Spitzer said that he was proud of having been instrumental in removing homosexuality from the list of mental disorders. Now 80 and retired, he was afraid that the 2001 study would tarnish his legacy and perhaps hurt others. He said that failed attempts to rid oneself of homosexual attractions "can be quite harmful." He has, though, no doubts about the 1973 fight over the classification of homosexuality.
"Had there been no Bob Spitzer, homosexuality would still have eventually been removed from the list of psychiatric disorders," he said. "But it wouldn't have happened in 1973."
Spitzer was growing tired and asked how many more questions I had. Nothing, I responded, unless you have something to add.
He did. Would I print a retraction of his 2001 study, "so I don't have to worry about it anymore"?
The ex-gay movement has relied on the Spitzer study as the single piece of objective evidence that therapy can work. The need for that evidence became more pressing in the early 2000s, when a cadre of gay-rights bloggers began to scrutinize the movement, ready to expose any hint of hypocrisy. There was plenty of material.
John Paulk, Love Won Out founder, chair of the board of Exodus International, and husband of Anne Paulk, was spotted and photographed at a Washington, D.C., gay bar. Richard Cohen, the founder of PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays)—intended as the ex-gay counterpart to PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)—was expelled from the American Counseling Association for ethics violations. Michael Johnston, the founder of "National Coming Out of Homosexuality Day," was revealed to have infected men he'd met on the Internet with HIV through unprotected sex.
A member of NARTH's scientific advisory board ignited controversy by suggesting that blacks were better off having been enslaved, which allowed them to escape the "savage" continent of Africa. Shortly thereafter, the board of NARTH removed Nicolosi, who was still president. In 2010 it was revealed that NARTH's executive secretary, Abba Goldberg, was a con man who had served 18 months in prison.
Therapists associated with NARTH and Exodus were accused of sexually assaulting clients or engaging in questionable therapy practices. Among them were Alan Downing, the lead therapist of JONAH (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality), who made his patients strip and touch themselves in front of a mirror; NARTH member Christopher Austin, who was convicted of "unlawfully, intentionally and knowingly caus[ing] penetration of" a client; and Exodus-affiliated Mike Jones, who asked a patient to take off his shirt and do push-ups for him.
The movement also suffered several high-profile defections. John Evans, who had founded the first ex-gay ministry outside of San Francisco, renounced change therapy when a friend committed suicide after failing to become heterosexual. Former ex-gay Peterson Toscano, who was involved in the movement for 17 years, founded Beyond Ex-Gay, an online community for "ex-gay survivors." In 2007, Exodus co-founder Michael Bussee apologized for his role in starting the organization.
Partly as a response to the resurgence of ex-gay therapy, mainstream professional organizations also took a harder stance. From 2007 to 2009, the American Psychological Association conducted a review of all the literature on efforts to change sexual orientation. Judith Glassgold, the chair of the task force that produced the report, said the group found no scientific evidence that ex-gay therapy works. In fact, they found that it runs the risk of making patients anxious, depressed, and at times suicidal. "It provided false hope, which can be devastating," Glassgold said. "It harmed self-esteem and self-regard by focusing on the psychopathology of homosexuality." The APA now tells its members they should not engage in the practice.
In the past few years, even Exodus has begun to show cracks in its support for ex-gay therapy. The organization has softened its rhetoric, encouraging its ministries to promote celibacy rather than change in order to live in concert with their religious values. The group no longer talks about "Freedom from Homosexuality"—its motto—but about the nobility of continuing to struggle against same-sex attractions.
Exodus has also begun to distance itself from NARTH. In September of 2011, Exodus removed references to Nicolosi's books and articles from its website. In January, Exodus president Alan Chambers spoke at a meeting of the Gay Christian Network. When asked about the possibility of gay people changing their sexual orientation, Chambers—who'd once claimed that he knew of thousands of success stories—said "99.9 percent" of those who had attempted to rid themselves of same-sex attractions had failed.
There are other signs of decline. Attendance at Focus on the Family's Love Won Out conference, the movement's largest annual gathering, has dropped. Focus on the Family recently sold Love Won Out to Exodus. Ex-gay activists have less of a presence at religious-right events. Twenty years after NARTH's founding, the movement has lost its luster.
I've come to know a number of Nicolosi's former patients and others who underwent therapy with NARTH members. Part of an informal alumni network of ex-gay dropouts, we see one another occasionally at conferences and interact in the blogosphere. Perhaps the best known is Daniel Gonzales, who writes for the website Box Turtle Bulletin.
Nicolosi had also asked Daniel to participate in Spitzer's study. When Daniel left therapy, he thought he had gained valuable insight into his condition but eventually gave up trying to resist his same-sex attractions. "I wasted one and a half years of my life on the therapy," he said. "For a long time, the things Nicolosi said about gay relationships continued to haunt me." His relationships with men continually failed because he was convinced, as Nicolosi had told him, that they would fall apart as soon as he began to feel comfortable with them, at peace with his masculine self.
Nicolosi's ideas did more than haunt me. The first two years of college, they were the basis for how I saw myself: a leper with no hope of a cure. I stayed in the closet but had sexual encounters with classmates nonetheless. I became increasingly depressed but didn't go to mental-health counseling for fear that a well-meaning therapist would inform my parents that I was living the "gay lifestyle."
I planned for what I would do if my parents decided to stop paying my tuition. I would stay in New Haven and get a job. I would apply for a scholarship from the Point Foundation, which gives financial aid to gay kids whose parents have disowned them. I would not go back to Arizona. I would not see an ex-gay therapist.
I spent hours in front of the window of my third-story room, wondering whether jumping would kill or merely paralyze me. I had a prescription for Ambien and considered taking the entire bottle and perching myself on the ledge until it kicked in—a sort of insurance.
I am not sure how it all came to a head. Perhaps it was academic pressure combined with the increasing conflict between my ideals and my behavior. But in the spring of my sophomore year, the disparate parts of myself I had managed to hold together—the part of me that thought being gay was wrong, the part that slept with men anyway, the part of myself I let the world see, and the part that suffered in silence—came undone. I slept in 20-minute spurts for two nights, consumed with despair. I eyed the prescription bottles on my dresser with anxious excitement. I had reached a point at which I feared myself more than what would happen if I were gay.
Realizing how close I was to impulsively deciding to kill myself, I went to the college dean's office and said I was suicidal. He walked me over to the Department of Undergraduate Health, and I was admitted to the Yale Psychiatric Hospital. During the intake interview, I had a panic attack and handed the counselor a handwritten note that said, "Whatever happens, please don't take me away from here." I had signed my full name and dated it. More than anything, I feared going home.
It was gray and cold my first night at the hospital. I remember looking out the window of the room I was sharing with a schizophrenic. Snow covered the ground in the enclosed courtyard below. Restless, I gathered a stack of magazines from the common area and flipped through the pages, noticing the men in the fashion advertisements. I tore out the ads and put them in a clear plastic file folder. I lay down in bed and held the folder against my chest. "It's OK, it's OK, it's OK," I murmured.
I indeed had to go home for a year before returning to school. By then my father, who flew to New Haven the day I committed myself, realized that therapy—and the pressure he and my mother had placed on me—was doing more harm than good. "I'd rather have a gay son than a dead son," he said.
The ordeal was a turning point. While it took years of counseling to disabuse myself of the ideas I had learned while undergoing therapy with Nicolosi, it was the first time I encountered professionals who were affirming of my sexuality, and the first time I allowed myself to think it was all right to be gay.
Ryan, my therapy partner, was even more deeply affected. Two years ago, I came across his name in transcripts of the lawsuit against California's ban on same-sex marriage, Proposition 8, in which he testified about the harm therapy with Nicolosi had caused. Afterward, I friended him on Facebook.
We recently met in person for the first time at a restaurant on Manhattan's West Side. It had been 12 years since we'd last spoken on the phone. At 28, Ryan had just moved to New York City from Denver to start his undergraduate studies at Columbia. He looked like he does in his Facebook pictures: solid and short, with a shaved head and large brown eyes.
Ryan had initiated dependency-and-neglect proceedings against his parents at age 16 to escape ex-gay therapy. That's when we fell out of touch. He dropped out of high school and lived intermittently with friends, then with his brother until his house was foreclosed on. Ryan had been homeless at times. He had a series of short-term jobs and for a period dealt drugs to make money but was broke most of the time. For food, on a few occasions, he filled a shopping cart with items and then ran it out of the grocery store. "I was beyond control," he said. "Something just broke in me. I was trying to destroy myself because I had internalized all the homophobia from therapy."
When did things turn around for him? A few years ago, he said, he landed a job working in an administrative-support position at the Denver Police Department. It was then that he started getting involved in gay-rights causes. "The Prop. 8 lawsuit was the first time I felt people really believed in me," he says. "I was surrounded by smart, important people, and they paid attention to me."
I could relate to that: Being at Yale was the first time I felt validated by smart, important people. I asked Ryan what he would say to Nicolosi if he were at the table.
"I'd ask him why he doesn't just stop."
I couldn't help wondering what Nicolosi would say to me, or Daniel, or Ryan. Does he feel as though he failed us? Does he think we failed him? Has hearing the stories of his former patients posted all over YouTube and the blogosphere changed his thinking? I decide to call him to find out.
I am anxious about talking to Nicolosi again, afraid of what our conversation might bring back. He knew me as an adolescent better than my parents or friends did.
When I first reach Nicolosi on the phone, he says he remembers me well and that he is surprised that I "went in the gay direction. You really seemed to get it." The conversation is quick. He is between clients, so we arrange to speak a few days later.
I call and tell him I'm recording our conversation. "I'm recording too," he jokes, "in case you say, 'Nicolosi said that gays are sick weirdos and they're perverted and they all should go to hell.'"
I chuckle. He's just as I remember him—irreverent, warm. He says he's been thinking about me since I called. I ask why, if he was so sure I had "got it," I never experienced change in my sexual orientation.
Nicolosi says his techniques have improved—now his patients focus more on the moment of sexual attraction instead of speaking generally about the cause of homosexuality. Therapy, he says, has become more effective. But part of the reason it failed for me, he says, was also that I was stuck: There were not men I could bond with, and my parents did not understand me. It's the same thing he told me throughout high school.
What about people who don't fit his model? "After almost 30 years of work, I can say to you that I've never met a single homosexual who's had a loving and respectful relationship with his father," he says. I had heard it all before.
I'm thinking, as he speaks, that for all his talk about understanding the homosexual condition, what it feels like to be gay is beyond Nicolosi's experience. For him, changing one's sexual orientation is a hypothetical proposition. He's never lived it. Only his patients have had to face the failure of his ideas.
I mention Ryan and tell Nicolosi he blames him for destroying his family. Nicolosi says he doesn't remember Ryan. But he is defensive about taking any responsibility. "For all this concern about how I damage people, where is the damage? We're currently treating 137 people. Over 30 years, don't you think there'd be a busload of people who are damaged?"
I asked him what he remembers about me. "All I can do is visualize a teenager in his room in a hot small town," he says. "You would talk to me about the loneliness, the kids at school—you really had no friends. You desperately wanted to get out."
He is trying to draw me out, get me to talk to him openly. He is the therapist, and I am once again his patient. I am reticent. I tell him I did end up leaving Arizona.
"And I encouraged you, right?" he says. "Quite honestly, Gabriel, I hope you see me as someone who didn't make you feel worse about yourself, someone who did not force you to do or believe anything about yourself that you didn't want to."
It's true that while in therapy, I did not feel coerced into believing his theories. Like nuclear fallout, the damage came later, when I realized my sexual orientation would not change. I could have told Nicolosi about my thoughts of suicide, my time in the mental institution. I could have told him that my parents still don't understand me but that I'm grown up now and it has less of a bearing on my life. I could have told him that I married a man. But I realize it wouldn't be of any use: I've changed since I left therapy, but Nicolosi has not. For years I shared my innermost thoughts and feelings with him. Now I want to keep this for myself.
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It's astonishing that ASB won't publish a retraction. Highly unethical if true. There must be more to this story. Either that or psychology is becoming a very disreputable science.
Of course the general trend is to publish goofy claims based on cherry picked results and never to repeat or verify any of them, so I suppose I wouldn't be surprised. Retractions would call the whole field into question.
@jcollis - yours is by far the most moving comment here. I cannot adequately describe the pleasure and strength I draw from my own family's embrace of myself and my husband and your pride in your son and his partner shine through eloquently in a few short words. x
I think it was a case of self-selection -- any gay man with a close and loving relationship with his father would not be forced to be something he's not. Nicolosi has only seen gay men whose fathers signed them up for this therapy, therefore he has a significant observer bias.
Great article! One correction: Judith Glassgold chaired a task force of the American Psychological Association, not the American Psychiatric Association. The report of the task force can be found at the American Psychological Association's website: http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/sexual-orientation.aspx
Thoroughly absorbing and insightful. I am a 65 year old gay man who had a loving relationship with my father as well as a loving relationship with a possessive mother. My partner of almost 33 years who became my husband almost three years ago had a distant and difficult relationship with his father and a loving relationship with his other. So what can we make of the various paradigms of relationships with our parents? It is important to gain insight into oneself and develop the self-respect that allows you to develop loving relationships with many people throughout your life and, if so desired and fortunate, bond with another person to form that intimate relationship that allows the two of you to become your personal best each day. Whether your partner/lover/spouse/soul mate is of the same or opposite sex should truly be irrelevant.
Thanks loads Mr. Arana for this combination of first hand story and broader perspective from public policy, research, and so forth. I confess I read your article avidly, secretly searching for clues to how you recovered so that could find new strategies that would help me in my current PTSD struggle to recovery from ten years of exgay church and counselingf when I was a teen to young adult, some forty years ago. About a yr ago I started having flashbacks to exgay stuff, and have discovered incredibly deep wells of terribly painful negative feelings inside. Consciously I don't believe any of the going exgay church or therapy notions; but that make little to no difference in how horrible I still feel about myself and my life, even after all these years. One of my flashback cycles involved two hour long episodes of being immobilized by the most intense self-hatred and self-loathing I have ever consciously felt in my whole life, bar none. The phenomena clicked on and off, like somebody was hitting switches. I can see in retrospect now, looking back, that something really deep and destructive and painful luked inside me below my adult thinking all this time. No matter what I did to contribute, be productive, be loving with another guy, or grow up ... I eventually always got around to losing my grip on positive living and failing in some significant way. So I am once again in therapy. Sixth time is a charm? I hope so. I am 65 years old now, and any good living I will yet become able to manage has to start happening pretty soon or my life clock will surely run out, just as it does for everybody. Most of all, I appreciate and vicariously applaud your loving relationship to your husband. Of all the life blessings that somehow I have been inadvertently denied by this plethora of exgay self-hatred below conscious thinking and belief, not having a life partner bond with another guy is my saddest lament. Please, keep doing all you can to stop this fraudulent and painful and destructive therapy. I fear that for some of us, our time may have passed. But surely we do not need to keep feeding the health, well-being, and promise of life and real love, to this out of control Golem monster that simply eats all of us alive, teeth clicking like the meat grinder this therapy turns out to be, later, when we are finally dead or dying inside. Alas. Lord have mercy. Many many many thanks, be well, all the best to you and your husband, drdanfee
Nicilosi's son is Gay. Nicolosi has been extorting money from Gays for years. He is not a member of the American Psychological Association. Although, he can make some poor souls pseudoheterosexuals, more often he leaves then feeling at the wits end. Some of his patients have committed suicide after being under his treatment. He is extremely punitive towards Gays and does not have the backing of anyone but religious nut groups like the Family Research Council and Focus on the Family, both provide bogus research and when using peer reviewed research use it so inappropriately that some of their people have been tossed out of reputable organizations as liars and for harming patients. Their shining light was caught with a Gay massage boy on a trip abroad. He loved those male-male sexual turn on sexual massages.
'"After almost 30 years of work, I can say to you that I've never met a single homosexual who's had a loving and respectful relationship with his father," he says.' Perhaps that is his finding because most of his patients are sent to him by their parents, who in sending them show they are unhappy and disapproving of who their children are? Just an idea. I imagine the many gay men and women out there whose parents support and accept them do not tend to seek this type of therapy. It is certainly a self-selecting group at is not indicative of the whole, in my opinion.
A great, thought provoking piece.
'"After almost 30 years of work, I can say to you that I've never met a single homosexual who's had a loving and respectful relationship with his father," he says.'
This statement by Nicolosi is misleading. According to Dr Warren Throckmorton, Nicolosi has been given examples of gays who were close to their father, but Nicolosi responds by claiming that they are not gay then.
Oddly, Socarides son is also gay. Same b.s. theory about absent dads. We should all take note of the fact that " Focus on the Family recently sold Love Won Out to Exodus". This is because all of this ex-gay stuff (christian or so-called secular) is a business which brings these hypocrites huge amounts of money. It's the same scam as selling indulgences...and we thought we'd gotten past that.
"Late into my last year of high school, Nicolosi had a final conversation with my parents and told them that the treatment had been a success. "Your son will never enter the gay lifestyle," he assured them. "
Gabriel, how did this come about? How could Nicolosi say his? Had you discussed it with him first? Had you told him you were not gay? Or was it out of the blue?
Wow, your story was a very inspirational read! I came out to my mum just a couple of years ago, that I'm a lesbian. She took awhile to adjust to it but came around eventually. That was pretty heavy going for me (I'm 32 now and came out when I was 28) after years of self-suppressing myself, but I really feel lucky living in the inreasingly secular UK (Done religion, fed up of it now - loada bollocks etc) and seems to have give the general population broader attitudes. But you guys in the US... All the best for a future full of the gayest gay gay gay gay gaity!
thank you for sharing such a painful, heart-wrenching story about your experience. while our struggles were different, i found much in common with you and feel a great sense of solidarity with you as a fellow survivor.
here is my story: http://tdub68.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/there-will-be-no-miracles-here-2/
I' glad you wrote this. I am a psychologist and have saved it to show to my clients and their families. I wanted to let you know that there are many heterosexuals who believe homosexuality is a natural state and doesn't need treatment. In my 2007 book Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse In America's Military" I wrote how don't ask, don't tell was damaging morale and increasing sexual harassment and sexual assault. In my 2011 book, Back To The Source: The Spiritual Principles Of Jesus, the largest chapter is on how right-wing Christians are mis-applying the teachings of Jesus to further their agenda. Jesus said not a single word on gays and lesbians, but said a great deal about divorce, which is ignored. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for such an insightful article. Your journey may not have been pleasant and it has truly tried your emotions on many levels, but you have also touched some very common threads with many others out there, myself included. So I appreciate everything you wrote and with you only the best -- a long life filled with happiness. DG
I loved reading this incredible article... and I felt heartbroken for you and for your parents as well. They were trying so hard because they loved you... I've listened to the This American Life piece on the 1973 effort to declassify homosexuality as a mental illness more than once and I was haunted by Robert Spitzer's later study on ex-gay therapy. It made no sense to me that such an intelligent person could go in this direction. Your article needs to be widely read, and Spitzer's retraction deserves to be given the attention it deserves while he is still alive. I commend your writing and I commend your life. Thank you. I may be straight, but I am not narrow... p c-s
Nicolosi's son is Gay. Every measurement done on sexual response to homo-erotic materials shows that not one heterosexual has emerged from this therapy condemned by the American Psychological Association and many medical groups. Reparative therapy is highly damaging and has resulted in numerous suicides. Nicolosi should be put on trial for putting the gun in the hands of the homosexuals he really hates and giving them the morose fears and hatred he engenders. It is obvious these would be depraved indifference murders or manslaughters.
Nocolosi's theories were an unpleasant trip down memory lane for me. I studied psychology in grad school at Cornell University in the '70s. Family dynamics were thought to be the cause of schizophrenia and autism, among other things, by some psychologists. Now of course we know these have a biological basis. Nocolosi is about forty years out of date or, perhaps more accurately, out of fashion. There never was much evidence to support this type of theory.
Personally, I never thought much of family dynamic theories back then and I think even less of them now.
Thank you for the article -- we all need more insight into exactly what happens in these programs, especially since so many well-meaning conservative parents desperately hope they will solve their theological problems for them.
I don't think the gay rights movement should lose sleep over the fact that some men are bisexual. There are also a small minority of both gay and straight people for whom religious commitment trumps sexual and emotional satisfaction. I may not agree with that decision, but it's a personal choice. While I applaud attempts to expose the failure of "ex-gay" movement, I also don't think our political rights should live or die based on whether some gay man, somewhere, has ever turned straight.
I could convert to Christianity tomorrow but no one seems to believe that I should be forced to do so before granting me the basic rights of citizenship. Homosexual behavior does not harm oneself or others and gay families do not harm children. Simple discomfort is not a good enough reason to deny your neighbors equal rights under the law.
In our rush to assert that we cannot change, gay people have entered a conversation that may be relevant at the personal or theological level but that provides the wrong foundation for our political rights. We say it can't be done and Nicolosi says it can and everyone gets focused on that question. Can it be done? Could everyone become just like me and therefore less threatening?
America is based on the idea that you can form an entire country and a valid political system with people who are not like you. Free choice, genetics or something else entirely -- homosexuality is not relevant to citizenship. These people are quacks and they should stop causing pain, but the most important thing we can say about them, politically, is that they are not relevant to the larger discussion.
I had reparative therapy when I was 17. My Mormon Bishop sent me to a therapist when I came out to him. In our session, he told me I was gay because of my relationship with my "absent father." I didn't like him very much, so I switched to a few different Mormon therapists. Eventually I ended up with a male therapist so I could "repair" my broken relationship and become heterosexual.
I didn't meet Nicolosi, but I read his book. and I met some of his followers, like A. Dean Byrd. I went to a conference for Mormons through the Mormon version of Exodus called Evergreen International. I felt a lot of the same things you express here. Some of the questioning of parental authority resonated me. It messed with my head though. I felt like I needed to distance myself from my Mom and get closer to my Dad so that I wouldn't be gay. I sough out the father through a lot of different ways, trusting non-parental (including ecclesiastical) authority probably far too much, believing it would "repair me."
But I was never broken. What I lived trying for ten years to change my sexual orientation was traumatic, and when I realized I'd been lied to and became depressed, I went to therapy. Luckily this time, the therapist just listened to me and rather than trying to discover the reasons for my "same-sex attraction" just asked me questions and let me figure out what I wanted. I was affirmed not as a gay man, but as a man. I wasn't manipulated into thinking that choosing a "gay lifestyle" was evil, but rather lead to explore what I wanted.
I was married to a girl during that time. Now I'm divorced. I'm 28, and moving on with life. It's been a tough road, and there is hope, but no one should ever have to go through this.
I am struck by Nicolosi's statement to the effect that, "After almost 30 years of work, I can say to you that I've never met a single homosexual who's had a loving and respectful relationship with his father." Well, this homosexual did have a loving, respectful relationship with his father (and mother). And perhaps it is for that reason I never found myself in the office of a quack like Nicolosi, and was never pushed to pursue "reparative" therapy in the first place. The fact that a parent would push his or her child into such "therapy" is, to my mind, the real symptom of the troubled parent-child relationship!
"Curing" gay people is unfair to the people they marry, too. No one seems to take that into account. I was married to a man who was supposedly "cured" of being gay (which he only told me after our wedding) . While he no longer had sex with men, he certainly wasn't interested in sex with women either. Which meant that I lived a sexless life for almost 20 years, until he died of cancer. And that was completely unfair to me.
Please CHECK YOUR FACTS about Dr. Robert Spitzer. He does NOT deserve accolades for the removal of homosexuality from the DSM. For those of us who were active in the struggle to depathologize homosexuality in the late 60s and early 70s, he was a potent adversary. Many articles have been written about the psychiatrists and psychologists who were the true heroes of that effort. I have also written about Dr. Spitzer's extremely homophobic behavior during my interview for a psychiatric residency at Columbia in 1974 (see LESBIANS IN ACADEMIA, Routledge, 1997); I was denied admission because of my lesbianism (I was admitted to and trained at Harvard). As the first out lesbian on the Harvard Medical School faculty with a long memory about the struggle for our civil rights, I urge you to correct your portrayal of Dr. Spitzer's role in our movement.
I read this with such a heaviness in my heart. It seems unfathomable that people would do these things to their children. I came out only at 37, married my partner, and shared my two children with her. We hoped that one of my boys would be gay. How the world changes.
Reparative therapy is not solely Christian in origin. Reevaluation Counseling, which is a secular psychotherapy cult, claims identical ideas as its own. They believe being gay is a result of childhood traumas, which can be overcome through their special brand of therapy. Reevaluation Counseling is a lesser-known offshoot of Scientology, and their technique is basically the same thing as dianetics.
Sadly, Reevaluation Counseling has infected the gay community in Washington, DC, and other cities. My former partner became involved with them, and demanded that I join also in order for us to continue to be in a relationship. She soon became irrationally emotionally and financially over-invested, and readily agreed when they required her to undergo reparative therapy in order to rise in their "leadership." I was threatened by the cult members for questioning their doctrine, so I eventually had to leave the relationship for my own safety. I wanted to support her but I had to put myself first. Cults prey on the weak and insecure, and sadly she is still in their grasp, still trying to figure out why she's gay and "donating" her time, money, energy, and emotional health.
The manipulative techniques exposed in this article struck a chord with me because I saw my partner go through almost exactly the same things with Reevaluation Counseling. I wish everyone the best, and hope we can find peace with ourselves.
Thank you for writing this moving piece.
I was afraid for years about coming out out my parents. I decided I'd wait until I married a woman or until I knew for sure I was gay. And then one day I met someone online, a man, and came out to my father (my mother had already died). My father look up, said, "You're gay? oh, alright" and went back to his book. It wasn't a big deal to him.
When I was five years old, the death penalty for homosexuality was removed. Today, I'm married. We still have a long way to go in the fight for equal rights, the fight for understanding. Articles like yours help us all.
Plus it gives us all a chance to hug you - who among us has not eyed that bottle of pills? I sat on that bridge for a long time looking at the water.
Um, not to detract your story in any way, but I truly doubt that your experience with mental health professionals as a teenager was markedly different from that of any other teenager remanded to therapy by his parents.
I don't assert this from personal experience as a teenager, but rather from encounters with the mental health profession at a less vulnerable stage of my life and observation of teenagers also caught up in the system. Basically, once parents have decided that there is something sufficiently wrong with their child that they want that child's personality or direction changed, the situation is set up to be harmful. It really doesn't matter if the problem they see is one of (what they view as) deviant sexuality, insubordination or disruptiveness, social maladaptation or whatever. As soon as someone who is supposed to be in charge of you before you are mature enough to be in charge of yourself decides that you need to be fixed in some way, you're pretty much screwed. Being made to feel inadequate, inappropriate or guilty for something you are on the basis of someone else's judgment is never going to work out well.
You are fortunate, in a sense, that the problems you faced were over an identity that the culture as a whole has, at least in a significant portion of society, significant public sympathy and a corresponding amount of political muscle. That is not to minimize the difficulties you encountered -- nobody's pain and suffering is to be dismissed merely because it fortuitously aligns with a (somewhat) favorable social trend -- but I think it a good idea to pause a minute and consider the teen whose problems have no such readily accessible story to support them.
Pregnu, you do detract and you have missed the point. The culture as a whole has lacked in sympathy and political muscle until recently. Otherwise parents wouldn't be so fearful of their sons having this "condition." On the whole, gays have been made to "feel inadequate, inappropriate or guilty for something on the basis of others' judgment" in our culture and around the world. Having grown up with a closeted gay father, I related to this article in a very sympathetic and probably very specific way; but most shocking to me was the fact that the author is my own age, and that the self-denial my dad struggled with could have been possible even in our generation.
Gabriel, this essay is so wonderful -- I'm really filled with admiration. Thank you for writing it.
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Other victims of reparative therapy are the "lucky" women who marry these temporarily heterosexual men. These so-called Christian organizations were encouraging unions based on falsehood. Divorce and adultery are the natural results of lying at the altar, all approved by the religious right.
Very good article, thank you. A lot of what you wrote resonates with my experiences in my youth. I was lanky, uncomfortable in my body and self conscious about my apperance. I was somewhat effeminate, and very un-macho. I had more female friends than male friends. I was bullied some and sometimes called gay. I didn't like sports, and when I tried to do them anyway to fit in, I was terrible at them and got ridiculed. My parents dropped hints to me that if I were gay, they'd still love me. In my teens, I came to see my father as a weakling. He avoided confrontation. He wasn't macho. He had more brain than muscle. I secretly faulted him for not pushing me into sports, for not teaching me to be a fighter, for not teaching me to be an alpha male.
The thing is, I wasn't gay and I'm not now. Of course I'm more mature now and love my parents and cherish the childhood I had. I eventually got over the fact that I'm not wired as an alpha male, and learned to be aggressive and assertive where I needed to.
My point is, these traits don't make you gay. Your sexual orientation is what it is, and teen angst is pretty universal. If I'd tried to force myself to be what people were perceiving me to be I'm sure I would have been miserable.
Thanks for the insightful article. Hope my contribution was helpful to the discussion.
Let me expound on what I wrote a little bit. My point about those traits not being gay. From what you describe, it looks like reparative therapy is focusing on these stereotypical "symptoms" of homosexuality. The symptoms they are trying to cure, are the same symptoms the bullies taunted me for. It looks like some of these bullies grew up thinking that all they had to do was talk you out of the symptoms. No wonder it doesn't work. Its just bullying on a more subtle level.
Let me add my thanks for writing this article. It is a wonderfully written summation of what it was like to endure a particular manifestation of the pathologizing of gay sexuality.
It is important to understand that Socarides' position at the time he battled Spitzer was still a mainstream position. It derived from the academy's subscription to one Freudian narrative to explain homosexuality -- over-identification with the mother, usually because of an absent father. Freud later recanted this speculation and said that, for all he knew, over-identification with the father could be responsible. Whatever, he asserted that there was nothing wrong with being gay.
The psychoanalytical community simply ignored this, deciding to blame mothers. Blaming the mother is still a principal cultural narrative. This is why, counter-intuitively, so many gay men report their mothers reacting more negatively than their fathers when they come out.
Yet, as your mother told you, Gabriel, she knew you were gay since you were a child. Ditto for my mother. Unlike yours, though, my mother began trying to "make me a man" from the age of five! I had no idea what was going on and, believe me, she was a lot less compassionate than Socarides. The point is that for your mother to accept that you're gay, she has to reject a persistent cultural narrative.
When I did became aware of my sexual attraction to men, there were utterly no sources of support outside New York and San Francisco. As a teenager, I took a bus from the suburbs to the downtown public library in my Southern city. There, I hid in dimly lit stacks, reading what I could find about my "disorder." I did not read a single positive thing.
As an editor-writer-shrink, I've interacted with the reparative therapy people on several levels. What is important to understand is that they have never represented a new point of view. They are an example of the way psychiatry and psychology have long attempted to enforce standards of normality by pathologizing and attempting to "repair" behavior that departs ("deviates") from the norm. This same tendency, based on "research" as absurdly anecdotal as Spitzer's was, has made the new DSM, due out next year, hugely controversial, even with the American Psychological Association.
Finally, I have to say that Spitzer comes off here significantly more heroic than he was in the '70s, but that's another story.
I was married and going through a divorce before I faced being gay. Then I became involved with an ex-gay ministry. I never felt totally free from my homosexuality the entire time I was involved with them. They did tell me that changing my sexual orientation was something I would have to want more than anything else. It was from this that I remarried, thinking that I wasn't gay anymore. I know now, and this article reinforces, that I can't change my sexual orientation. I became a father and eventually went back to gay sex. I have met another man who I long to be with who lives a couple of hours away. I have not been successful in leaving my family to join him. Contrary to what Dr. Nicolosi would say, he is not at all like me. I consider ex-gay therapy to be very destructive and wrong. I gain strength from hearing from others who have broken free from ex-gay ministries.
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Cheap Flights from Little Rock to Jordan
Did You Know?
- The longest flight to Jordan is 6,219 miles.
- Jordanian has the most flights to Jordan.
- There are 59 cities with flights to Jordan.
- There are 16 countries in the same zone as Jordan.
- The currency symbol for JOD is JOD.


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Cities with the most bedbugs
POSTED: 02:23 PM PDT Mar 26, 2012
UPDATED: 08:34 AM PDT Aug 27, 2013
Bedbugs are invading homes, hotels and offices across the country. Find out which cities are the most infested.
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Copyright for this gallery photo belongs solely to Denise Denomy. Images may not be copied, downloaded, or used in any way without the expressed, written permission of the photographer.
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October 3, 2007 - 4:11pm
Viking 68 Convertible
engines on steel engine beds hung from substantial transverse frames. Depending on engine choice, cruising ... at what we're doing."
I'd seen propellers tested in laboratory settings, but what Viking's engineers ...
October 3, 2007 - 4:11pm
Viking 45 Convertible
of producing high-quality, well-engineered yachts that hold their value. When developing the 45, the team could ... to service the engines or some hidden pump while blood rushes to my head. This won't be the case on the 45 ... of them, as well. Thanks to 22 inches between the engines, you can turn around and maneuver easily ...
October 3, 2007 - 4:11pm
Viking 54
and a molded-in overhead electronics box. While the engine electronic displays were mounted in this location, I ... and space enough to move outboard forward of the engines. The area is bathed in high-gloss Awlgrip ... . A lubricating oil-change system is plumbed to the engines, transmissions and generators and all can be tapped ...
October 3, 2007 - 4:11pm
Viking 61 Convertible
As is typical from Viking, the 61's engines are mounted on steel I-beams that span the engineroom and are fastened to the bulkheads, in an effort to transmit engine weight and thrust more evenly to the hull ... shield is standard, positioned abaft the engines. An additional 20kW generator can be added, and I ...
October 3, 2007 - 4:11pm
Viking 74
. An emergency de-watering system with an engine raw water bypass is plumbed to serve three compartments ... -bagged in place. A network of foam-filled fiberglass stringers support the bottom and the engines are mounted ...
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Catered by Design brings your events to life with delicious and sumptuous food, presented in spectacular fashion by the friendliest and most...(more)
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We like to treat our Brides and Grooms to the ultimate treat ... no charge for their food and beverage. It's our way of saying thanks and best wishes in your new life together.
Innovative food concepts, exceptional service, and good value - Froggy's Catering continues to offer customized catering services of the finest...(more)
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Weddings are an exciting—and sometimes overwhelming-- opportunity to plan a celebration that speaks perfectly to you. When it comes to the food, it...(more)
Amazing speciality foods from all corners of the world. Simple or Elegant, Asian, European or Fusion we do it all. With a background in...(more)


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An adult 21 years or over must be present to sign for delivery of alcoholic beverages. Order tracking numbers will be emailed to you upon shipment, so you'll know when to expect delivery. We offer the following options for your convenience:
Ground: Delivery generally between 1 and 7 business days once the package leaves our warehouse.
3 Day: Delivery to businesses by 4:30 pm and to residences by 7:00 pm in 3 business days once the package leaves our warehouse.
2 Day: Delivery to businesses by 4:30 pm and to residences by 7:00 pm in 2 business days to most areas once the package leaves our warehouse.
Overnight p.m.: Next business day delivery by 3:00 pm to most U.S. addresses ( by 4:30 p.m. to rural areas) once the package leaves our warehouse.
Overnight a.m.: Next business day delivery by 10:30 am to most U.S. addresses once the package leaves our warehouse; Remote areas by noon, 4:30 pm or 5:00 pm; Saturdays by noon, 1:30 pm or 4:30 pm. In extreme heat, ice-packs will be added.
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Aromas of blackberries, plums and sweet spices give way to a ripe and juicy palet with soft tannins and a long, fresh finish.
Ruby red with purple hues. On the nose, it is fresh, with aromas of currant, strawberry and raspberry. On the palate the wine is fresh and fruity, well balanced and smooth.
(PEED-mont) Piedmont is located in the Northwest area of Italy, hugging the Mediterranean coast. The regional capital, Turin, is situated smack in the middle of the province. Being close to the alps, the area enjoys a high altitude, with the best vineyards benefiting from the hills and elevation. Known for its famous sub-districts, Piedmont delivers some of the most...Read More About Piedmont
(bar-BARE-uh) Versatility of Italy Barbara is one of those varieties of the old world that often appears on the label - Barbara d'Alba, Barbara d'Asti for example. Native to Piedmont, Barbara is a hardy grape that grows well in the chalky soils of the area. Though popular as a single varietal, Barbera also excels as a blending partner in both Italy and California. Notable...Read More About Barbera
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The Brew Rocks Oklahoma City
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Burt Bacharach
Burt Bacharach
The Very Best of Burt Bacharach [Rhino]
Original Release Date: March 6, 2001
Track Listing
1. Baby It's You
2. Only Love Can Break a Heart
3. Anyone Who Had a Heart
4. (There's) Always Something There to Remind Me
5. Walk on By
6. What the World Needs Now Is Love
7. Alfie
8. What's New Pussycat?
9. I Say a Little Prayer
10. The Look of Love
11. Do You Know the Way to San Jose?
12. Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head
13. I'll Never Fall in Love Again
14. One Less Bell to Answer
15. Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)
16. That's What Friends Are For
Dionne Warwick: Performer
Christopher Cross: Performer
Elton John: Performer
Gladys Knight: Performer
Gene Pitney: Performer
The Shirelles: Performer
Dusty Springfield: Performer
Bill Holman: Arranger
Larry Wilcox: Arranger
Burt Bacharach: Arranger, Conductor, Producer
Carole Bayer Sager: Arranger, Producer
Sandie Shaw: Performer
Hugh Brown: Art Direction
Hal David: Producer
Jackie DeShannon: Performer
Wally Gold: Producer
Reg Guest: Accompaniment
Bones Howe: Arranger, Producer
Bill Inglot: Producer, Remastering
Michael Omartian: Producer, String Arrangements
Aaron Schroeder: Producer
Peter Sullivan: Producer
B.J. Thomas: Performer
Stevie Wonder: Performer
Jim Pierson: Project Assistant
John Franz: Producer
Luther Dixon: Producer
Rachel Gutek: Art Direction, Design
Patrick Milligan: Compilation Producer
Julee Stover: Editorial Supervision
Chris Cuffaro: Cover Photo
Andrew Garver: Remastering
Steve Woolard: Project Assistant
Emily Cagan: Project Assistant
Mack David: Composer
Shawn Amos: Editorial Coordinator
Daniel Goldmark: Editorial Research
Ginger Dettman: Project Assistant
Chris Andrews: Producer
Stephen Paley: Producer
Barney Williams: Composer


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IBM ThinkCentre M55 6489 Free Driver DownloadSource:
Manufacturer Website(Official Download) CD / DVDSee details of driver package which includes support for this device.
Device Name
ThinkCentre M55 6489
WY04 (19 Mar 2008)
Supported Operating Systems
Windows 2000, Windows XP
Uploader Notes
Firmware update for HLDS Multiburner GSA-T20N
Uploaded By
Manivannan (DG Staff Member) on 3/9/2009
Driver Package
gsat20nwy04.exe (1.7 MB)
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Naruto Cosplay
Akatsuki Cosplay
Buy Akatsuki Cosplay Cloaks, props and accessories to Cosplay Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Madara, Deidara, Sasori, Kisame or any other Akatsuki member right here at the Cosplay Locator!So far, Sasori has to be our favorite Akatsuki member. We've been racking our brains trying to think of a good cosplay gimmick for him and we think we finally have.
Here's what you do:
Hang 3 bags of different sized marbles on your body, under the cloak. One around your neck and one over each shoulder. Make sure that the two bags over your shoulders hang down the inside of the cloak and not down the sleeves.
As you walk, the marbles will rattle giving your body a "wooden" or puppet like sound.
Happy Cosplaying Otaku!
New Naruto Akatsuki Necklace Anime Cosplay the wheel eye Necklace
$4.75 (11 Bids) Time Left: 38m |


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Call our Luxury Hotel Specialists
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A wall for two, please, away from the crowd
Read this article from www.smh.com.au
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World Water.org Dataset
Water Data from The World's Water Getting good data on the many issues related to freshwater has long been a challenge. Here you will find data tables from the World's Water... -
World Development Indicator Sources
Datastore to hold links to world-level data needed to create country-level profiles in preparation for disasters. Original population by the Standby Task Force data team: see... -
Volunteers of Wikimedia Foundation
Please learn more about our main aim (one of several here), clicking this link for the good of Knowlege world wide. The Wikimedia Foundation, Inc. is a nonprofit charitable... -
USAID Data
Data relating to USA's official development assistance and disaster response activities. The data from usaid.gov/data is sourced from US Official Development Assistance... -
SEO Analysis Report
We constantly try out to find new, straightforward and rapidly reachable approaches to your world-wide viewers. Out team thinks that modern day Search engine optimisation is a... -
The Public Expenditure and Financial Accountability (PEFA) Program was founded in 2001 as a multi-donor partnership between seven donor agencies and international financial... -
Open dataset for Swedish development assistance from the 1970s to present times. Providing information on finance, statstics and public records shown from aggegated levels to... -
Журнал "Образование, наука и производство" -
test 1 -
Millenium Development Goals Indicators
Millenium Development Goals Indicators Data. 'Bulk' download is now available via http://mdgs.un.org/unsd/mdg/Handlers/ExportHandler.ashx?Type=Csv though unfortunately this is... -
AUTHENTIC Meizitang Botanical Slimming Soft Gel On Sale! Hottest Slimming Pills Meizitang, Work Wonders To Reduce Weight, FREE SHIPPING -
Malawi Aid Projects
Geocoded data on aid projects from the Government of Malawi's Aid Management Platform. It includes sub-national geocodes for approximately 550 aid projects undertaken in Malawi... -
Knee Alternative Among Sportsmen
Knee substitute surgery can be a living transforming determination, particularly for players. There are several factors to consider and concerns being answered. How much a new... -
IFPRI Food Security Portal
Contains over 40 indicators related to food security, commodity prices, economics, and human well-being. Much of this data is available for every country in the world and goes... -
Haiti Aid Map
An online tool detailing the work of InterAction members, a coalition of U.S. based NGOs, and their partners in Haiti. InterAction members and others in the NGO community... -
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Food Security Aid Map
Food Security Aid Map features the work of InterAction members, a coalition of U.S.-based NGOs, and their partners to ensure all people have access to enough, safe and... -
About The Knowledge Services Open API provides easy programmatic access to tens of thousands of thematically organised research documents that are freely available online on the...


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Straight Up Chess It's not just a chessboard - it's a work of art! Let the game begin! Before too long, you'll be hooked on your Straight Up Chess board. "Artistic", "beautiful", "classy", "fun", "a great conversation piece" are just some of the things that customers have used to describe Straight Up Chess. They're a great way to bring a little chess excitement into your busy schedule and connect with friend, family and co-workers. They're sure to be the center of attention in your office, game room, library, family room, dorm room or any room! They're as FUN as they are FUNCTIONAL! Straight Up Chess has just the chessboard to fit today's lifestyle - a patent-pending vertical wall mounted chessboard. Unlike traditional chessboards, Straight Up Chess is off the table, out of the closet, out of the way and beautifully displayed on the wall for all to see. Note: The chessmen shown in the above picture are for demonstration purposes only and must be purchased separately.
Recommended Chess Set (King Height): 3" King Frame Width: 3" Overall Dimensions: 21.25" x 33.25"
We're sorry, but all purchases of Download Productsare final and can not be returned or exchanged. There are NO exceptions to this rule as this is the industry standard for downloadable products.
Computer Software and DVDs that come on Physical Media (such as CD-ROMs and DVD-ROMS) can only be returned or exchanged if the product is in its original, shrinkwrapped packaging and has not been installed or used in any way. Once you open the packaging of a Computer Software or DVD title, it can only be exchanged for a new copy of the same title and only if the original media is defective. There are NO exceptions to this rule.
Black Cherry Series with Brown Traditional Frame
Black Cherry Series with Rugged Expresso Frame
Black Cherry Series with 3 1/2" Dark Bronze Frame
Black Cherry Series with Straight Black Frame
Black Cherry Series with Red Accent Frame
Black Cherry Series with Golden Bronze Frame
Black Cherry with 3 1/2" Walnut Grain Scoop frame with Black Trim
Black Cherry Series with Black Contemporary Frame
Black Cherry Board with a 4 1/4" wide Antique Bronze frame with Gold Trim
Black Cherry Series with Rustic Brown Frame
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The United States of America is full of modern cities, charming villages, breathtaking scenery, sunny beaches and snow-capped mountains. Situated in the northern hemisphere and bounded by Canada, Mexico, the Atlantic Ocean and the Pacific Ocean, the 50 states cover an area of 9.4 million km2, a lively capital in the form of Washington DC and over 280 million inhabitants, which make it one of the biggest countries in the world.
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Benjamin Deal has united color and form portraying a feeling of time within the space of art. He has utilized his stories past from childhood as an acrobatic performer in his school for the artistically gifted to early adulthood traveling with a band of performance art characters and theater groups. Deal's passion for the process has developed a strong sense of purpose in his art like geometry and deep colors which in turn opens the door to creative interpretation.
View all of Benjamin Deal's work.


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Kiting Magazine
Kiting is a beautiful full-color magazine issued 4 times a year to all current members.
Also check out the online-only Kiting+
Home Kite Genres KAP KAP Publications AKA Document Repository By Genre Kap Aerial Eye Archives
Aerial Eye Archives
The Aerial Eye was published from 1994 to 1999. All issues are available free on-line to AKA members only.
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- Style: 20485327
- Made of 100% Vinyl
- Auto Accessories
Reviewed by 1 customer
Displaying review 1
Best Uses
Comments about Auburn Tigers 3x4 Ultra Decal:
I had purchased an inexpensive orange IPad cover, it needed something , so
I looked online for an Auburn Decal and found the perfect match
2 were included, so there was one for the front and one for the back.
- Was this a gift?:
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Get custom aprons printed with your logo. For an out of the box promotion, consider aprons, pot holders and promotional oven mitts. Any recipient will be thrilled to use these during every meal. For food companies, restaurants or culinary schools these are ideal gifts. But don't shy away from a custom, imprinted apron if you're in another industry - any food lover will get a kick out of these products! Talk to an ePromos representative about our extensive printing options so we can get your logo and company name looking sharp and snazzy on any one of our custom picture frames.
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Emergency Preparedness
From MeritBadgeDotOrg
requirement resources you need. Cross-references are provided for related Merit Badges and Scout Awards.
Emergency Preparedness is one of the most popular Merit badges and an option for Eagle Scout.
This is the Boy Scout Emergency Preparedness Merit Badge. Also see the Emergency Preparedness Award for all programs and the Webelos Readyman. |
The Emergency Preparedness requirements were revised effective January 1, 2009. |
Emergency Preparedness requires prior counselor approval for requirements #8b, 9a. |
Emergency Preparedness merit badge | ||
Status: | Eagle-required | |
Created: | 1972 | |
Discontinued: | no | |
BSA Advancement ID: | 006 | |
Requirements revision: | 2009 | |
Latest pamphlet revision: | 2008 |
Contents |
" | " |
Emergency Preparedness requirements | |||
The text of these requirements is locked and can only be edited by an administrator. Please note any errors found in the above requirements on this article's Talk Page. |
A FREE workbook for Emergency Preparedness is available here! with the maps, charts, links, diagrams, and checklists you need! Or click here to print just the Emergency Preparedness requirements. | meritbadge.org has PDF and DOC versions of Boy Scout merit badge workbooks, Webelos workbooks, and Cub Scout workbooks. |
- Per the BSA: "You should read the merit badge pamphlet on the subject." Pamphlets (books) are at local Scout Shops and online at ScoutStuff.org.
- "Get a signed Merit Badge application from your Scoutmaster." An online, printable Word doc file version is available.
- Emergency Preparedness merit badge is on the Eagle Scout required list (requirement 3.g.). It is one choice of a group of two merit badges (or Lifesaving) on the list.
Requirement resources
- 8.c. Emergency Kits
- FEMA Independent Study List — If you have an older Scout working on this badge, FEMA self-study units can be converted to college credits. The courses from FEMA are free; there is a small charge to convert them to college credits.
Related awards
Emergency Preparedness Awards Emergency Preparedness-related awards
- Scouter Awards: Emergency Preparedness Award
- Boy Scout Merit Badges: Crime Prevention - Emergency Preparedness - Fire Safety - First Aid - Lifesaving - Public Health - Safety- Traffic Safety
- Boy Scout awards: Emergency Preparedness Award
- Webelos Activity Badge: Readyman
- Cub Scout Awards: Emergency Preparedness Award
- Others Links: First Aid Skills - First Aid Kit - Emergency Kit - Safe Swim Defense - Safety Afloat - Guide to Safe Scouting: First Aid
- Venturing: Ranger Award-Emergency Preparedness Requirement
See also
General Merit Badge information
- An Introduction to Merit Badges – how to get started, who chooses the counselor, etc.
- Merit Badge Worksheets & Requirements – with the revision dates, diagrams, charts, checklists, logs, and links you need.
- Merit Badge Application – offers online resources to let you print "Blue Cards," etc.
- Merit Badge FAQ – answers dozens of questions like: Who can be a counselor? Can requirements be added or removed?
- Merit Badges Requiring Prior Approval – Certain requirements need prior approval. Most do not. Here is the list.
- Also see: List of how many boys have earned each Merit Badge – Merit Badge policies – Merit badges required for the Eagle Scout rank – Merit Badge Days
- Additionally: List of Merit Badges by Field of Study – Merit Badge Pamphlets & Libraries
- Merit Badge Counselors must complete Youth Protection Training, file an Adult Application (and Merit Badge Counselor Information Form); and be approved by the local council. (See the Guide for Merit Badge Counselors for additional details.)
External links
- SARBC - Survival: Signalling for Help!
- Be Lightning Wise!
- Natural Disaster Program for Families
- "After a Disaster" Series of Publications
- American Red Cross - Disaster Safety
- Surviving out in the Desert Southwest
- NFPA Emergency Preparedness Kits (National Fire Protection Association)
- NFPA Natural Disasters Link
- Stop Disasters! A disaster simulation game from the UN/ISDR


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49 CFR Part 385, Subpart H - Special Rules for New Entrant Non-North America-Domiciled Carriers
- § 385.601 — Scope of rules.
- § 385.603 — Application.
- § 385.605 — New entrant registration driver's license and drug and alcohol testing requirements.
- § 385.607 — FMCSA action on the application.
- § 385.609 — Requirement to notify FMCSA of change in applicant information.
- Appendix to Subpart H of Part 385 - Explanation of Pre-Authorization Safety Audit Evaluation Criteria for Non-North America-Domiciled Motor Carriers
Title 49 published on 2013-10-01
The following are only the Rules published in the Federal Register after the published date of Title 49.
For a complete list of all Rules, Proposed Rules, and Notices view the Rulemaking tab.
Title 49 published on 2013-10-01
The following are ALL rules, proposed rules, and notices (chronologically) published in the Federal Register relating to 49 CFR 385 after this date.
GPO FDSys XML | Text type regulations.gov FR Doc. 2014-01174 RIN 2126-AB42 Docket No. FMCSA-2011-0321 DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION, Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration Final rule. Effective February 21, 2014. 49 CFR Parts 385 and 386 FMCSA amends its regulations to enable the Agency to suspend or revoke the operating authority registration of for-hire motor carriers that show egregious disregard for safety compliance, permit persons who have shown egregious disregard for safety compliance to exercise controlling influence over their operations, or operate multiple entities under common control to conceal noncompliance with safety regulations. These amendments implement section 4113 of the Safe, Accountable, Flexible, Efficient Transportation Equity Act: A Legacy for Users (SAFETEA-LU), as amended by section 32112 of the Moving Ahead for Progress in the 21st Century Act (MAP-21), and are designed to enhance the safety of commercial motor vehicle (CMV) operations on our nation's highways.