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I Am Not Physically Attracted to My Boyfriend. Can We Possibly Have a Future Together?
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First, ask yourself if he – or another man – could dissect YOU physically as well. How about emotionally? Intellectually? It's simple to find fault with others, but there's a certain grace and wisdom in loving people in spite of their flaws, just as you'd like to be loved in spite of yours.
We often underestimate how rare it is to find someone who loves us unconditionally
Second, ask yourself if your boyfriend – despite your middling attraction for him – can make up for it in bed. If he's energetic, passionate, and devoted to your pleasure, he may be more valuable to your love life than someone who is more aesthetically pleasing with the lights on. Finally, ask yourself if you can do appreciably better. We often underestimate how rare it is to have a partner who loves us unconditionally.
Very often, the second you assume the grass is greener is the second you may find yourself in an exciting new romance…with a guy who only texts you once a week. Attraction is an intensely personal choice and is fundamental to maintaining a healthy sex life. But don't lose sight of the fact that you're better off with a 7 in attraction and a 10 in compatibility, than you are with a 10 in attraction and a 4 in compatibility.
Warmest wishes,
Much love,
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105 Comments »Filed Under Chemistry, Favorites
105 Responses to "I Am Not Physically Attracted to My Boyfriend. Can We Possibly Have a Future Together?"
mic 1
There does need to be some aesthetic fondness. Familiarity can help, like just staring at his picture, but it seems that would have helped by now. Is his appearance repulsive? What is meant by "features"? For example, are hair and teeth included? A better hairstyle might help. Some minor dental work might help. Does he look totally different from you? People who look somewhat alike tend to be more suited to each other. Maybe the simplest question is, If he's not young and has pictures from years ago, would his younger self have been attractive to you?
I have to give you props for your honesty. That is a very difficult thing to tell to someone. Few people do it and it is often a thankless task.
I agree with Evan's point that there is no one size fits all answer for everyone for this situation. You are going to have to on your own judgment.
Steve 3
I would like to hear people's thoughts about whether or not it is healthy for Mia's "boyfriend" to handle the situation the way he has.
If I were him I would sincerely thank Mia for her uncommon and brave honesty. I would also break up with her.
It wouldn't be about spite or hurt feelings.
It just seems to me that "making yourself suitable" to someone else is a bad way to go into a relationship and sets up an unhealthy power dynamic.
I think it would be better to make use out of Mia's feedback and go find someone else.
Kenley 4
Be careful what you ask for.I met a man online who I thought was very attractive and a really nice guy as well. He was tall and lean, but he wore really baggy, boring, unattractive clothes. How he dressed didn't bother me at all because I liked him and didn't care about his clothes. One day, however, he mentioned that he hated to who and that his ex use to buy his clothes. I myself had just used the services of a stylist to help me shop so I recommended my stylist to him. The results of wearing modern clothes that fit were astonishing. He looked 15 years younger and a million times sexier. And….. He dumped me two weeks later telling me that he met someone else. I think that because of his makeover, he was able to attract someone younger and more attractive than I was. So, Mia, if your guy becomes too attractive, you may no longer be attractive enough for him!
Steve 5
@Kenley post #4
I wonder if that is why many married men look like giant 12 year olds when they aren't wearing their work clothes. Their wives strategically dress them that way .
BeenThruTheWars 6
I knew a man once who told his fiancee he didn't think he could marry her after all because she didn't have slender legs and ankles. They were thick and sturdy and muscular. "Northern Italian child-bearing ankles," she jokingly called them. Alas, he was a "leg man." Those aesthetics were really, really, REALLY important to him. He had always envisioned his wife looking a certain way, and his fiancee didn't fit that image. It was a real crisis for him, an awful dilemma, because they were perfect together otherwise, but he felt this stood in the way of his physical attraction to her.
She told him that it really came down to one question he needed to ask himself: was his life better with or without her in it? Because those "big" legs were strictly hereditary and weren't going anywhere. They also were the result of years of strength training she wasn't about to abandon. In addition, if he wanted to dump her and go out and find a leggy model-type, how would he feel if a month after the wedding she was in a terrible accident or got a debilitating disease and her legs had to be amputated, or wasted away and became disfigured? Were legs really the deal-breaker? Wasn't it more important to find the one person whom you cared enough about to love through the worst day of her life? And who cared enough about you to love you through the worst day of your life? Ultimately, it's about companionship and being on the same wavelength, as well as being able to share things and have fun together and, well… LIKE each other through most any situation. To prefer one another's company to anyone else's.
He rethought his fears and they got married. They will be celebrating five years together soon, 3.5 of them married, and all of them happy.
Yes – "he" is my husband and "she" is me. We are wonderfully affectionate and have a very active sex life. And we would – and have – loved each other through the worst days we've ever faced.
Finally someone who has a bit similar problem as I do.
I have met plenty of men – over 400 online dates – but if I can't see myself opening my legs, or kissing a man, if I don't want him to touch me in any way – there is no point of meeting that person again, no matter how compatible he is.
He has to have something that I find attractive.I have had relationships like that Mia here descrived, I have tried to get over it.. but it won't work. I feel like I am a prostitute.. doing sexual things for other reason that physical attraction – I exchange favours to get companionship and good things that come with it, which becomes suffocating and I just feel like I have to get out.
I have friends for company – male and female.
The difference between that and relationship is sexuality.
If I can't enjoy sex with my partner, if it feels like a chore, if it is something I do to keep the other happy.. It is not fair for him, not fair for me either.
Then he is a friend at max, or he is out of my life if he can't accept it.I am rather single and selibate, than with someone whom I find a burden. I totally disagree with the saying that "it is not important" – Sexual attraction is IMPORTANT.. for me at least.
Maybe I sound like a man, but that is how I see it. Men don't have sex with women that don't put their mojo up. Why should I?
I am a man then – if that be.There has to be both – physical compatibility and mental attraction.
If there is not, I am rather single for the rest of my life, than whore myself for companionship that just feels like a prison.
(and btw, I am 39, and lived alone for 14 years of those 39 years and even some 4,5 years of those totally selibate.)If there is some basic attraction, sure I agree with Evan, but if there is no attraction, (or worst a turn-off) , it is better to let that person to find someone who values his physical side too.
that is the best response Evan has ever wrote. And he ended it with the fact that it is better to be with someone that you are compatible with, than someone your attracted to. Both is good of course, and I don't think you would want to be, or would be naturally with someone that you are not attracted to, but lets define that a little more. Is it that Mia was not attracted to him, or really, that the guy needs a bit of a makeover, like you see on TV. Hey, don't laugh, those makeovers are unreal! Just about anyone can be made to be more attractive, and maybe this guy of Mia's just doesn't get it. Or maybe is socially inept. Both can be overcome. On the other hand, I don't think he would even be a boyfriend in the first place if there wasn't some sort of attraction… people don't usually get together if one repulses the other. That is what Mia needs to define…is it that the poor slouch needs to polish himself up a bit and get another groove going, or is she really just disgusted with the features that he cannot change?
I agree with what Evan and others have said – if your physical response to him is neutral, then his abilities in bed and quality of character may change how you view him sexually in a positive way. If he repulses you in any way, then cut him loose.
Steve 10
@-NN- post #7
I agree with your post 100 %.
A person isn't wrong in wanting a satisfying sex life with a person they find attractive. Its not wrong when women want it and it is not wrong when men want it either.
I think that desire is perceived as villainous because usually it is men who speak up about having that desire and it is usually women who are on the losing end of it.
No offense to anyone, I've been on that losing end too.
Just making a point.
starthrower68 11
Been Thru The Wars, that is a great story and you are to be congratulated on a successful outcome. However, I think that you are the exception and not the rule. Not that it's right, fair, etc. just the way it is. We are bombarded with messages of what we should find attractive, sexy, physically appealing and so on, and that is what people want. Whether we are a 5 wanting a 10 or not wanting to be judged ourselves is incidental. Whether I agree with it or not, we've all been where Mia is. I'm a bit unsure about her guy's readiness to change for someone rather than holding out for a woman who loves him as is, but then again, I'm not seeing things from his perspective.
starthrower68 12
BTW, maybe I need some advice because I tend to avoid the conventionally handsome or attractive men, per society's standards; I don't trust them.
There have been some good responses so far, and a nice choice of topic, Evan.
On to the OP. If you're repulsed by your boyfriend then nothing good will happen, end of story.
But explore the middle ground a little. Do you enjoy the physical aspect of your relationship but there are no fireworks going off for you? Or is it more a boring chore that you do while thinking up your "to do" list. If you're in the first group I'd probably try to stick it out. If it's the second have you communicated your sexual desires to him? Perhaps with a bit more direction things might become more pleasurable for you.
If things are fine in the bedroom but it's really just an appearance issue, what is it that bothers you? If it's clothes/haircut/teeth whitening that's easily solved since your boyfriend seems willing to do so. If it's more significant, can it even be done?
I can sympathize with you as I don't have that knee-buckling, tummy fluttering, fireworks extravaganza with my boyfriend. But I do know that each month we've been together that I've grown more attracted to him and have acted on that attraction more. I also know that he's got pretty much everything except that on my wishlist, including loving me just as I am. At the moment I'm just enjoying the time we have together and seeing where things go. And if your relationship is headed on a positive trajectory, meaning that each month things are better than the previous month, then I would continue to date him and see how things go. But if they're headed downward, then it might be time to let go.
Karl R 14
One observation that I heard from someone who dated some ugly men: there had to be some feature about them that she found "hot". Based on my own experiences dating women who were less-than-hot, I'm inclined to agree.
Mia said: (original letter)
"he said he will take all the steps necessary to improve himself physically"This bothers me, but I can see two situations where it might not be as bad as it sounds:
1) The "necessary steps" could be described as better grooming.
2) Her boyfriend had been intending to make those improvements already (losing weight, braces, rhinoplasty).While I'm not about to get a radical makeover for anyone, I've been known to alter the frequency of shaving and haircuts to suit the tastes of the woman I was dating at the time.
Hopeful 15
It's early in the relationship and you already feel he's a burden, so it might be best to step back and reevaluate your life, values, and beliefs. Each of us has a right to feel and think the way we do, but we also need to be responsible for our actions, and its consequences. Such as, you let him go and then he finds happiness elsewhere, all of a sudden, you discover he's the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't go chasing him down like the movies, but instead, be sincerely happy for the guy and have no regrets.
Your boyfriend's reply kind of stunned me, but at least you were honest. If you feel bad, just tell him you are still very immature for your age and need more time to learn and grow. I've used this line in the past; actually, I still do.
Seriously, in my opinion it's all about sharing a sense of humor. Anything else can be overcome. But not "getting" each other's sense of humor is certain relationship Fail.
casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog post…Forbidden love between one man and his blow-up sex doll. FREE GEORGE BARTUSAK!
Kenley 17
This is such an interesting topic with so many angles to explore….
At first when people objected to the OP's guy changing his appearance for her, I wholeheartedly agreed that he shouldn't have to do that. She should just like him for who he is no matter what he looks like. However, I then thought about all the dating advice that men and women are given. And a major one is to look your absolute best…..Are ya fat? Then you better call Jenny. Yellow teeth. Three out of four dentists recommend Crest Whitening Strips. Scrawny body. Get pumped it up at Bally's. Saggy boobs. Go get Victoria's Secret (yes, I actually did read that.) Hair cut from the '70′s. March yourself right to the trendiest salon in town for a cut that would make Stacy and Clinton proud. Most of us that agree looking our best is good advice. So, I think it is interesting that refining or even overhauling our appearance to please some anonymous, non existent person is acceptable, but changing for a specific person that you actually like somehow feels wrong. Why is that?
On the other hand, having once gone out with a guy who didn't think I was attractive was the most horrible feeling ever — I was heavier than the women he typically liked to date. So, while the OP may think she did her guy a favor in telling him that she didn't think he was attractive, I'm not so certain she did. What if he does all he can to change the features that offend her and she still doesn't think he is her match? What then? I think when a man and a woman are really and truly right for each other, he thinks he's got the greatest all around gal ever and she thinks she's got the greatest all around guy ever. He falls short of that for her and she told him so. How ego deflating is that for him? It may sound like I am criticizing her for feeling the way she does, but I'm not. I don't think it's shallow to want to find your partner attractive and I don't think people should have to apologize for the way they feel. I just don't think telling someone you dislike the way they look– even if it easy to change — is a great idea.
Based on the tone of her email, I don't think they have a chance. Even though he said he would change for her, I didn't get the impression that she thought he would be successful. So, it seems like there really is zero physical attraction. Moreover, if he hasn't grown on her by now — based on the way he treats her and their compatibility — I think it's highly unlikely that it will happen down the road. Thus for her sake and for her guy's sake, I think she should end it. She deserves more and so does he.
Ava 18
What a fascinating subject! Great post from Evan, in which he really considers all the angles.
I've dated men who weren't 10′s, but whom I was very attracted to because I loved their personalities/sense of humor/lots in common/great sex. Perhaps I was unsure about the physical appearance initially, but after a brief time, that changed. You CAN have great chemistry with a non-gorgeous mere mortal if other elements are in place. I've had no chemistry with drop-dead gorgeous men. I've also dated men with whom I shared common interests, who weren't unattractive and were very nice, but for whatever reason, the chemistry never quite jelled. I stuck around, hoping that would change, and ended up regretting it. Tricky thing, this chemistry business, but isn't that what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship?
Mia isn't saying that her BF is ugly, but that she doesn't like his appearance and doesn't find him attractive. It's been a few months, and she's still saying that. Can he change his appearance enough to suit her? Should he even have to? Frankly, it sounds like they are better suited to be friends than romantic partners. I may be going out on a limb here, but I think if Mia were a man, she would have broken up with the guy a while back. I don't think men waste much time on women they're not physically attracted to. Do we women second-guess our feelings more than we should?
Selena 19
I've dated men I wasn't overwhelmingly attracted to at first and found the more I got to know and care for them the more attractive they became to me. Like Karl mentioned in #14, I could find something "hot" about them. If Mia still feels unattracted to this man after a few months of dating him, it would seem this hasn't happened for her and likely won't. Even though he said he's willing to change things about his appearance for her, the tone of Mia's letter suggests she doesn't really think it would work. I think Mia's better off going with her gut here and letting the guy go. Better that than him putting himself through all kinds of hoops only to find it makes no difference in the way she feels about him regardless. *It* is either there or it's not.
I'm curious though as to what changes he is willing to make. My sense of my own attractiveness as well as my self confidence soared when I finally had some long put off dental work done. Same with gaining or losing 15 pounds as I have in the last 5 years. A flattering haircut, or clothing can have the same effect. If Mia's man is open to a makeover of sorts, it might have a surprising positive effect on his sense of self whether it wins Mia over or not. He might find the woman who really does feel *it* with him – not because of the way he looks as much as the boost of self confidence he gains and projects.
I haven't even read the blog post yet, just the headline, and the answer is NO.
Okay, just read the letter and response.
Couple of points:
1. She states the guy isn't ugly. The way I interpret this is that his presentation is lame and he has no "style." The way he looks is indistinct or screams beta. The truth is, most guys don't have awesome bone structures and aren't classically hot…but with some nice threads, a cool haircut, good posture and body language, that same ugly guy is now handsome. He needs to fix his presentation.2. Which leads me to #2. Internally, the guy is beta, and this is what is really turning her off. Notice she said he made long term plans too soon. That means he's clingy and trying to her lock her down. The guy has confidence issues and is immature when it comes to relationships and sex. He's probably lousy in the sack, too.
Conclusion: They shouldn't be together. The guy needs to grow internally and fix his presentation. She needs to tell him this. He needs to do some reading and get honest feedback from trusted sources and become a better man.
mic 22
He said he will take all the steps necessary to improve himself physically.
Didn't notice that before. Wow. That sounds like he is too eager to be with her, which in and of itself might be linked to his appearance and of course hers. Too bad what he looks like is a mystery. Other important parts of the story – for example, how much each person values physical intimacy – also are missing. Anyway, thanks for the de facto endorsements of professional image help
mic 23
So, I think it is interesting that refining or even overhauling our appearance to please some anonymous, non existent person is acceptable, but changing for a specific person that you actually like somehow feels wrong. Why is that?
Kenley, it probably is considered "wrong" for a man because it means the woman has the power and that he's "beta" and not the dominant man (which implicity suggests manly-looking, at least when younger) that women typically want. Until recently, it wasn't considered at all "wrong" for a woman to do much upkeep or "refining" for a man's sake, but not to the extent of surgically changing her features to something they never were. Of course there also elements of appearance that very much reflect personality, such that changing them is like changing personality, which feels "wrong" to do for anyone else's sake and probably cannot work in the long run.
Another reply talked about why women try to fight their feelings. Women are more pragmatic in matters of love, it's been shown. Their attempted compromising on looks might explain a lot of break-ups that mystify men. Look at John Edwards – women will tolerate much more from men they find quite physically attractive.
mic 24
By the way, among personality-linked appearance elements somebody probably shouldn't change mostly for the sake of a potential specific or actual partner is overall style. Bah to any image professional whose priority isn't making the client satisfied with his or her personal style. Change the hair somewhat, change the footwear somewhat, wear the right sizes, but don't for example dress conservative when you have artistic leanings.
starthrower68 25
I think women have to be careful about being starstruck by a guy. Been there done that and have come to realize that is a huge warning sign that I'm not seeing things objectively. I fell head-over-heels in "lust" for a very attractive man a couple of years ago and I completely ignored his lack of character. It didn't take long to find it out, either. I'm not saying that all beautiful people have no character but I'm saying that one must be careful not to be so caught up in that so that one's objectivity is clouded.
I agree.. attraction is the X-factor. I've had relationships end because one of us didn't have enough attraction to each other.
Eathan´s last blog post…She's Out The Closet
downtowngal 27
I agree with the poster above who said that after 5 months of dating, if it's not there it probably never will be.
Maybe you should have a break, that way your true feelings will become evident. If you miss him then there's a shot. If not then you have your answer.
Attraction is subjective; I've found guys who are conventionally attractive to be a turnoff based on their character or how they've treated me. And I had a serious boyfriend whom many might not have considered attractive at all, yet his smile, intelligence and unconditional interest in me turned me on.
Attraction is very important to relationships, and for women, especially, because studies have shown that the more attracted you are to your partner, the better the sex and the easier it is for you to conceive.
Angela 28
What ever other attributes this guy has it does not seem to offset his looks. One of my best relationships was with a guy that I initially didn't like how he looked. He pursued me really hard and when we met and I got to know him, his personality overshadowed how I feel about his looks. Plus he had a nice body!!!! I think she needs to move on and just be this guys friend
hunter 29
A womans' biggest mistake, when she selects with her eyes. But didn't our creator build people that way, just to keep this place populated? Sometimes, we almost have to think that way just to maintain our sanity.
downtowngal 30
Hunter, I think it's everyone's mistake. But in this case they've been dating for a few months, long enough for someone to get over the physical attraction stage.
Margaret 31
I love Evan, but I cannot help but notice that his wife, who is *three* whole years older, is very attractive. Hence, his argument is rather moot. Somehow, I don't see him with a Christina Onassis clone…thick ankles, legs, etc.
Let's not kid ourselves. Attraction is *very* important. The caveat is that it means different things to different people.
I myself know that *I* have to find the man attractive, even if the rest of the world does not.
No offense, Evan, just sayin'
Margaret 32
Lance #21,
Beautifully put. My sentiments exactly. A guy does NOT have to be Brad Pitt, but bland and flavorless and beta is not sexy either.
hunter 33
Margaret, I have heard such words from women who can doll up very well. Now, if most of us men can stay away from these "dolls", we might put some these dating sites out of business…
Hi, Mia.
Your boyfriend's problems do not end with his looks. The bigger issue is that he's too attached to you, which shows insecurity and a general lack of confidence on his part. This will annoy you more and more as time goes by.
Another problem is that he's willing to improve his physical appearance for you to stay with him.
He should have an internal desire for excellence that drives him, not that a woman will like him if he does it. This also shows an inner-weakness that will become more and more unbearable to any woman over time, not just you.
I'd wager that if this guy was more confident, positive, happy, humorous, and committed to his own excellence… His looks would matter much less.
David Gideon
David Gideon´s last blog post…How To Talk To And Date Models
Peter 35
Hey Mia, would love to know what you decided. So many of the responses on here show the uniquely American approach to relationships, Shopping for mr. perfect. In my experience, Europeans tend to celebrate the oddities of a person as part of what makes the person unique, while american's see it as flaws in some sort of genetic social darwinism. There are reasons we have expressions…beauty is skin deep, it comes from the wise. Finding someone who loves you unconditionally is a rarety, and should be treasured. You may find he has much more confidence than you think…it take a mountain of it to truly love some one. Change what you're looking at, and CHOOSE to see the beauty in him.
Very interesting, Peter (#35). I can't comment on the accuracy of the European vs. American perspective. But the idea of the "U.S." version as social darwinism for generic perfection is something I hadn't thought of before. But I think that everyone can agree with you that, "Finding someone who loves you unconditionally is a rarety, and should be treasured."
Kat 37
I just found this site and this post the girl's situation sounds very familiar. The only difference in my case is the guy is 4 yrs younger and I am a single mom which makes my mental state of priorities different. The physical attraction is not totally there, I think because I know he is younger than me. Also that I have known him for the last 3 yrs as my friends younger brother. But to make a long story short after talking as friends for 2 months he tries to convince me that he will do anything to make himself more appealing to me.
Physically he is a good looking guy, just looks his age. Otherwise our personalities blend well and have an unbelievable amount of things in common and a good connection. I have told him a number of times I see him only as a friend and what he does to get himself together is great but to do it for himself and not to impress me. A number of people have said to me to enjoy the devotion but I feel that leading him on is not right. After another 2 months I see him acting more maturely and has made progress in his determination to become more successful.
We have a group of friends we share and when we see each other he is very attentive to me and my son and shows his willingness to be the "guy for me". We have shared a few kisses but most of which have happened while I was upset and he was trying to cheer me up or I have kissed him while a bit intoxicated. He is very respectful and says he adores me. I don't know if I can see a future with him and am torn as to what to do to. I have dated other guys but it never really works for a other reasons also I am not looking to be in a monogamous relationship right now.
He says he is willing to wait for whatever reason. I have considered his courtship after 6 months of him insisting but I make him keep his intentions on the down low as they say. Otherwise I feel he will take things to serious. But to respond to the post my two cents is this…. If the physical attraction is not there look for the possibility of becomes friends. Sometimes that spark isn't there and you can't make it work she might appriciate everything about him but she will eventually look else where and have can cheat which will cause the ruin of the relationship/friendship. -
Kirra 38
I found this post, and it really hits home with me. I'm in a similar situation. I truly LOVE this man I am with, but our sex life is really struggling. There are many reasons why, but (although I tried to deny it to myself) I am attracted, but still missing a certain level of attraction and desire that I have am used to, and have always had in past relationships. He has picked up on this and asks me if its an attraction thing, and I deny it.
There are other 'complications' persay which lead to us not having sex (timing, work schedules, roomates, etc..) but those things have never stopped me in the past. I feel like a horrible person because I want it to work with him, I really do. But as Marc says "there has to be some measure of attraction or its a recipe for wandering eyes and future infidelity." YIKES! I am NOT a cheater, and don't think I could ever go through with it even if I was close to doing it. But… I have found myself thinking about other men constantly… not in a way that I want to have a relationship with them… just sexual thoughts. Why can't I have these thoughts about my own boyfriend??
If we attempt to have sex, it gets weird. Because it feels like something we should be doing. And there's an expectation for it to be good. I'm thinking about all the pressures and intricacies of the situation, and not whats happening and what I'm feeling as he is kissing me in the moment. I will be laying there with him, thinking about work, about my schedule, about the problems with our sex life (And thus ous relationship) and I think about other men too. I end up so distracted, that I am barely making an effort, and its an epic fail. Should I try having a couple drinks before? I'm thinking that maybe we just need to actually HAVE sex a few times before this situation can be criticized.Does this make me a horrible person?!?!!? PLEASE HELP.
Sayanta 39
It doesn't make you horrible- it just means you need to tell him how to be better in bed. ;-P
Not attracted to bf physically but love him yet feel like breaking up? « Welcome to my Life 40
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i think its not so much about the actual classical handsomeness so much as physical chemistry, pheromones if you will. Men always tell women that certain things just work with them because of biology. Sure, cultural expectations are also to blame but yes yes yes – there is a reason one person is attracted to someone and the other just isnt. It's about the best possible match geneticlly. Women have really strong sense of who they are attracted to physically, even if the man is not a classic hottie, it's about a certain hormone that actually tell a women – the man will give her healthy off spring. It's not just me blabbing what i think, yes i read it in a book lol!! you just shoudnt force yourself to be attracted to someone you are simply not. Sometimes im not attracted to the best lookig men becuse i just dont feel it. Listen to those impluses, they tell you something.
ayejay0601 42
My thoughts are this: There are an intricate interwoven thread between physical features and personalities. As a guy, I can tell you that many girls with bad personalities become much uglier to me and I know several girls who are very attractive (girls who I originally wanted to sleep with) who I no longer have any desire to be physical with because of their personalities.
And I think something similar may be going on here. This person probably checks off many of the criteria on your list. But his neediness, his willingness to change for you and his general lack of confidence make it difficult to feel attraction for this man.
I bet if this same guy came to you with an "i dont give a damn" attitude and "take me or leave me as i am" personality, you would feel much more attracted to him.
Many of the most desirable men in the world are not good looking. But they have an attitude that is irrestible to women. In short, what I am saying is that, without knowing more about him (you say he is not ugly), its probably his attitude (or lack of attitude) that makes you not attracted to him.
One more example, I was deeply in love with my ex. She was very attractive but gained a lot of weight over our time together by the end, she was no longer attractive. But I loved her so much, regardless because we had so many pleasant memories together.
So what's my advice? Let me ask you this: Do you like being with this person? Do you like cooking with him, watching movies together, trying new hobbies, traveling with this person? If so, I think you should spend more time with this person and see where it goes.
angel 43
I think physical attraction is very important as well as emotion attraction. If you don't have both initially in the early stage I don't think you will ever have a good long term relationship. I would break up now before you cause each other lots of grief. Asking someone to change may be too much depending on what changes you want to make. An attraction can last for years with the right people. I know when I have felt repulsion for a man that has never turned to attraction no matter what they do, if it's not there it's not going to be ever.
Wondering?! 44
Hi! I'm in the same situation right now with a guy who is awesome but not unlike myself short. But he is balding with long side hair..and wide bone structure at the hips so he looks like a triangle or you know one of those cartoon men that are really wide in the middle and wear a whirly bird hat? Know the type? But beautiful eyes and the most sweet, kind and generous man! I wish so much that I was attracted to him in the least bit…but I'm not! He has amazing eyes but I am freaking out worrying that some time soon, he will try to kiss me. We've been psuedo hanging out for a year now and I know…..I will never be attracted to him. On the other hand where I live, there are no guys to date. There are lots of gay men, married men and out of work construction workers. I'm super lonely and tired of being alone, but thinking about the beautiful guys I've dated who were cruel users in the end. I can't help the way I feel naturally and so….I don't know what to do. i'm older now and most guys my age want to date younger women although everyday someone tells me how I only look half my age. I'm wanting a serious relationship, but only find guys who want to get laid these days, so I've become a very lonely hermit – back in school and trying to ignore my feelings of hurt and loneliness while kinda stringing this guy along because he is so generous and kind to me. I don't want to hurt him, and am trying to be open about maybe changing my mind, but ultimately….men are biologically born to look for beauty and women are biologically born to seek resources. How is beauty any different than money? And…since men use women's for their bodies, and you know it's true that women in our society are objectified and images of their bodies bought and sold mostly for men and men's profit on many levels while women in porn more so than not never orgasm and when they grow old, their husband leave them to perv on a younger bitch. law of the jungle which makes me want to be celibate and hermit like. Sometimes I just want to give up but sometimes want to keep hoping, but for now give up and figure that if Mr. Right comes along…it is meant to be. In the meanwhile I'm bored but working on myself, went back to school, praying a lot, working on more positive thinking patterns, and not dating anyone. Trying to be friends with men but it seems they don't want to be friend only and only want to get laid – which I find so painful – hence I'm alone. Better alone than with someone who doesn't really meet your needs on any level. It's all so confusing and really…is companionship or sex worth all that in the end? Tired and sick and bored, sad, lonely afraid – but…willing to admit it. No good guys here for a million years – still single and almost 50. Decent looking and people tell me I have good energy when I'm with them,….but apparently, not good enough. it's a put out (in one way or another) or get out kinda world out there. Every man for himself?
Xavier 45
I am facing the same problem. I met my boyfriend almost three months ago, he is very kind and overall a nice person but sexually I am just not attracted to him, the sex feels like a chore and he always wants sex. He has also already made long term plans. We are very different in personal lives as well, he is kind of ghetto and speaks ghetto he doesnt have a Bachelor's degree and I am working towards my PhD, I dont mind that he doesnt have a Bachelor's degree but I do have a problem with him speaking in ghetto and that sexually I am just not attracted towards him. He doesnt take care of his body and is always eating butter drinking coffee and smoking, while I goto gym at least 2 times a week and I try to eat healthy as much as I can.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that your boyfriend's looks are only part of the issue. Here's the quote from you that I'm referring to:
I am concerned sometimes he is too attached to me and the way he started to make long term plans with me quite soon, but this isn't a real problem.
Actually, I would argue strongly that it is. You may be comfortable with long term plans, but it appears you are responding naturally to his state of being "too attached." Put simply, he is being needy and clingy toward you and that is justifiably a huge turnoff for you. I'd take it a step further and suggest that he's not demonstrating enough masculinity for you to feel attracted to him. So don't assume it's all about looks. It's about confidence and masculinity too. Think of all the rather average looking men in relationships with good looking women. It's not always about the looks. -
marry 47
If you are not attracted to your boy friend please don't marry him. if you are not married to him then both of you will be happy. if you married to him and have no attraction to him you cant live happily and seeing you unhappy he cant live happily. No matter in other relationship(brother, sis father, mother) but in Husband and wife relation there should be attraction towards each other. don't think twice about it again, if he is good also u leave him. its good for both of u.
In your case Mia you should give it more time. In time you will learn to love all his features he seems like a good catch otherwise. That is what every woman I talked to said about a guy who wasnt too handome but he was nice and a good husband material. Your physicall attraction for anyone will fade and dont let your marriage with wome handsome guy become one of the 60% divorce statistics. He might become quite handsome in time, some guys look better when they are older. I am 62 and have seen many guys in our town starting to look really bad as they aged. They have big bellies, lost their hair and are all wrinkled. The same guys used to be really hot when they were young.
Hope this helps
Louise -
Hazel 49
To the comment posted above I completley understand that being attracted to someone is important but from what I have heard when a man is willing to do whatever he can to change for a women they say that type of man is proubly a big keeper he obviously must be crazy for you which is a good thing since they say not to many men like to change their ways..I am not trying to tell you that you should settle for someone that your not attracted to but maybe you should just consider this advice..that is something my mother always said when a man is willing to change for a woman thats a big thing proubly a good man..
Hazel 50
I believe the personality comes down to the most important thing looks eventually fade away people dont look the same forever..
Yes Hazel the fact that he wants to change for her might be a good sign but not always. Men are not as changable much after the age 25. At about that age they have acquired their work discipline, how they treat friends and women and their sexual relationship style. So they change very little after that and if they do change it might not be permanent. A gorilla will do tricks for a banana, but not for long. Ability to change is not a very good quality in a man. My husband hasnt changed one bit since I have met him when he was 34. He is like a rock, solid, and has integrity. He has always respected his mom and his sister and he has lots of buddies who love him and think a world of him. Those are all good signs.
Louise Krekic -
Rebecca 52
Society mistakenly assumes that because women often end up with men that appear less physically attractive, that women don't put so much value on looks, that men are the more visual sex. However, this I feel is totally untrue, because just because a woman ends up with a particular man does not mean she actually desires him. Usually pressures from society, family and her biological clock force her to settle.
Of course looks alone won't make a good relationship, but I personally feel that good sex is an important part of a relationship, and I just could not imagine having to ever sleep with a man just to make him happy.
People are always telling me I'll end up alone with cats, because I'm too picky and I wont 'settle down with some nice guy' whom I have no attraction to whatsoever. That somehow as a woman this makes me superficial, whereas men are allowed to be superficial because of their 'biological needs'. Well, as a woman I feel my biological needs are to mate with an attractive man, surely this is natural? Women in fact are constantly being told to reject who they really are. It is a sad thing that women are usually the ones who get the worse end of the deal with their partner, sexually speaking anyway.
Anyway, I would rather end up alone with cats then have to suffer through sex with a man I did not want. Perhaps it is this thinking that worries society the most, because if more women stayed true to themselves, there would be a lot less men who could get the women that they wanted. -
Denise 53
Rebecca #52
I agree with everything you've said.
It's CRUCIAL for a relationship to be happy and to last that there is a physical attraction, period. It's one of the three legs of the stool. Physical attraction, friendship, commitment. If ALL three are not there, then the relationship is doomed to be very unhappy and/or cheating.
NOTE that this is true for MEN AND WOMEN.
You're also right on in regard to many people who wait, then settle because they want to have a family–again, MEN and WOMEN (surprised to see how so many men in their late 40′s have young children).
Physical attraction is unique to each person. In my opinion, it's not right to fault someone for their preference. What I would say, however, is that as women (and men) we have to give people a chance and not to dismiss them outright. Speaking as a woman, if I find a man reasonably attractive, he can definitely increase that attractiveness through his masculine energy. I would bet the same is true for men in regard to women. However, if I find a man physically attractive but I'm not feeling that mascunlinity, then the physical attraction does deminish.
Comes back to many of the comments here that ALL women are looking for TALL men who look like models, and dismiss everyone else. I don't think that's the case in reality. I don't know how that's any different from men who will only go out with model type of women who are much younger than them. I don't believe that's the case either.
Ultimately, I'm more interested in character and similar beliefs and values. If the is HOT in my eyes, but has none of the above, then he's not the man for me–period.
Denise, can you explain this "masculinity" you speak of? It means different things to different people.
Denise 55
Yes, masculine energy is about DOING. It's about approaching or talking to a woman, it's about giving his resources in regard to time, attention, humor, listening, money. It's about treating her differently than other women that might be around. It's about being confident and moving forward with asking for her phone number or asking for a date. It's about making a move sexually, and to keep pursuing over time in a gentlemanly fashion even when she says no. To open the door for her, to let her exit the door first. To compliment her in a way that acknowledges something special about her. When he asks her out on a date, he already has something planned.
To not talk about personal things too soon. To not spill his guts on all his failures. To talk about his achievements in a confident but not cocky way–that shows he can take care of himself and her and their family if need be.
To create MYSTERY about himself. So she thinks, how did he get to be so successful? I wonder where he's taking me tonight? That's an interesting outlook, I wonder how he came to that?
He's kind to others, but will not be swayed or intimated by others, including other men. He gives the impression he's in charge (he's the pilot!)
Denise 56
I came across an article from a website called mascunlinitymovies.com. The article is called what is masculinity by Eivind Figenschau Skjellum. I would love to see if you or other men could read it and let me know your thoughts (if you're so included of course!).
He also did another great article Differences between boys and men…really good too. I think this article does a great job describing masculinity too.
I will be passing both these articles onto my 18 year old son.
Karl R 57
Denise, (#58)
I would say the article's description of maculinity is a good literary definition. As such, it extends fairly well, but not perfectly, to normal life.For example, facing death may be standard fare in stories, but it's not a commonplace occurance for most men.
Eivind has some valid ideas, but wouldn't accept any that weren't confirmed by reason or experience.
Denise 58
Karl R #57 Thanks for reading the article and your comments!
I believe when reading this particular article is that he is speaking to a VISION of masculinity. Of a way of being; being authentic in the spirit of masculinity. An attitude.
In my prior post, I was giving some real life examples of masculinity (and I would strongly argue society has steadily 'feminized' boys to become more like women, further causing shame to boys and men for being the way they are at their most fundamental human level.)
In caveman times, these definitions were literal, standard fares. As you are pointing out, the human race has evolved so much that we are in a place today where very few of us face death on a daily basis. However, a man is a man is a man, millions of years ago or today.
It's that men are about death and women are about life. That men are about doing and women are about feeling. Men are about giving resources and women are about receiving/collecting resources. It Ying and Yang!
If we can understand masculinity and femininity from the reptilian brain (what is instinctual to each sex) of each other, then accepting those things in each other makes life a lot easier and a lot more successful.
This also gives credence to the saying: men and women are equal, but different (since we both have the same brain structure, but different instincts in that structure. A lot of which I've recently recognized is due to hormones, very powerful).
Off the topic a little from the article, but still in the vein of masculinity/femininity:
I would end with these two equations attributable to Dr. Paul Dobransky that I find really, really helpful. When these two factors are going well, we have more passion for ourselves, more passion for the opposite sex and more passion for life. Think about it in your situation or as you go about your life.
Masculinity = Success with women + Progress on Mission
(when he's asking to have sex with his wife, he doing that because that feeds his masculinity equation; when his girlfriend is happy with him, he feels successful and makes him more passionate)Femininity = Obtaining Resources from Men (time, attention, affection, listening, humor, labor, money) + Purpose Greater than Self
(when she's asking for the trash to be taken out, it's not because she's a nag, she's asking for attention and labor; when she shows off her new ring from her husband, she's passionate about him spending his resources on her; when she wants him to listen to her day, it's not that she's a pain in the ass, she is looking for his attention and listening.)As you can see, women are more complex than men
Lila 59
oh my gosh!! i totally love this!! You just saved my break up.
Yuki 60
It's true what Denise says. When a guy is constantly asking, "was that OK?" (after sex) or "can I kiss you?" my heart sinks a little. Yes, I want to be treated like an equal, but no, I don't want to feel like someone's mother/supervisor. A man should NEVER spill all his feelings and failures on the table — it's especially bad if the woman has a strong editorial sense (i.e. sorting out the "relevant and good" information from "useless junk" information) and finds his "I ate a beef sandwich! Yay!" emails depressing.
It's fine to be emotional, but a man should never tear up and talk in hushed whispery tones about his feelings, it simply does not elicit sympathy. Sounds like Mia's guy needs to stand up for himself, too. -
Lucifer 61
Doesn't it depend on your goals? I mean, if your goal is a long term loving relationship then absolutely, attraction is less important than compatibility. But I identified with one writer here, who brought up he subject of sex. Why should you 'grin and bear it' for the sake of a relationship? Isn't that what women had to do before liberation?
So if sexual compatibility and emotional compatibility are rare things to have at the same time in a relationship, does that mean in general we all have to choose? And ultimately we 'should' choose the one that helps us be in a long term relationship?
Is the alternative a string of passionate affairs? I mean, that's not a bad alternative, but how often do you find passion? Enough to have a string of passions?
I am in the same situation, by the way. I just met a really really lovely chap who I spent the whole day with yesterday and didn't look at my watch once. But I don't think I'm attracted to him. We also had a great conversation about the transience of modern dating and relationships.
I only want to sleep with people I feel strongly about, whether that's passion or affectionate love. However that is a 'want' and not a need. We think about ourselves altogether too much these days. It's a positive thing to subjugate your needs to another. The problem lies in where one compromises, and who one compromises for.
Do you compromise the needs of your brain or your body? Do you compromise for an attractive person, or a wonderful, intelligent, generous and funny human being? The answer's obvious isn't it?
Ultimately, you can't force yourself to like someone's crap personality, but your physical attraction to someone is within the limits of your control. The mind is a powerful thing.
Then again, if the thought of sleeping with him makes you shudder….I mean, no amount of positive thinking is going to get past that.
What a long comment! Sorry.
Lucifer 62
Sorry, I guess I missed off my final conclusion. Rebecca made an excellent point and I agree wholeheartedly. Sex is massively important. Women have the right to be sexually fulfilled and this benefits everyone – men are unhappy when their women are dissatisfied.
Doesn't this still boil down to the idea that women trade sex for 'protection'?
My point is, if you are bent on being in a long term relationship then, sure, make the transaction and this will happen sooner. But what's the point of a long term relationship? To have kids? To have enduring companionship? For me, marriage/commitment isn't an end in itself but a consequence of life and meeting fantastic people. If you meet someone who you feel you can't live life without then great. Don't want to shag them? Don't. Do want to shag them? Do.
By the way, great article and debate. -
jenifer 63
I think personality and attraction should be complemented…Is of is missing it can be difficult, that is when cheating comes…
No ones perfect 64
Honestly i think you should really think about what your saying. you two are compatible in every other way, so what happens if u break up with this guy because u cant get passed the thought of being with someone better looking then him and once hes gone and you start looking for that perfect guy and u realize there isn't one because no ones perfect we all have our flaws if its in personality or looks. If u feel his personality and everything on the inside is great for u then u really need to consider what ur thinking about giving up, u cant be so sure you will find that in another man and honestly looks fade but if ur compatible on the inside thats what counts the type of love that grows from that is what last forever. you shouldn't try to change who he is it's great that he loves you enough to change anything he can for you but you should love him flaws and all for everything he is im sure ur not completely perfect cuz no one is and it obviously doesn't bother him. your not the only one thats had these thoughts but its honestly a point of growing up and realizing what really counts, even the movie starts on TV aren't perfect don't make any rash decisions before considering everything
Kari 65
The comments to this were interesting for me to read because I'm was in the same place as Mia. On paper I had the ideal boyfriend. Sweet, loving, told me how much he loved me everyday, bought me flowers, opened doors for me, and did everything he could within his power to make me happy. He was a rare guy. Yet despite it all I was not attracted to him. I forced myself to kiss him, sex was miserable for me because I didnt want to have it, I only did it because I knew he wanted to.
I'm sorry but I think Evan is wrong. I dont think a boyfriend needs to be eligible to be on GQ magazine, but there HAS to be something YOU find attractive about him. Maybe it's his cute little nose, his smooth hands, SOMETHING. Because if there isnt you'll be miserable. A great personality is wonderful, but if you have to force yourself to be intimate with your boyfriend you're helping no one.
All the same, you said you liked him, but do you love him? -
Kari said: (#65)
"I'm sorry but I think Evan is wrong. I dont think a boyfriend needs to be eligible to be on GQ magazine, but there HAS to be something YOU find attractive about him. [...] Because if there isnt you'll be miserable."
Evan said:
"You're not doing yourself (or him) any favors by staying with him if he has no ability to excite you. However, if he's [...] somewhere between a 5-7 on the attraction scale, you may want to think twice before you toss him back"Kari,
How is what you're saying any different from what Evan's saying? -
MoBrown 67
Wow, where was this when I needed it 7 months ago? This is definitley a great thread. For me I was with the sweetest, most thoughtful man in the world. He wasn't my type initially but he swept me off my feet with a worldwind courtship. On paper, he fit my type perfectly but mirror was, he was not what i thought i would be with. Sex was fine at the beginning but 2 years later, I started to hate it, even cry when it was over. I felt guilty for not loving it and felt horrible that I had to endure it while not liking it. So after a total of 4 years together, I ended it. Shortly after the break up, I reconnected with an old love and had the best sex of my life. In comparison, face wise this guy was a few notches better looking but in all other areas of our relationship he sucked. He's not financially responsible, lacks job security, 2 child support cases, 5 kids…i can go on and on…BUT…the relationship in the sheets was near perfection…can you guess where i am now? A crossroads. I miss the stability of being with the not so attractive guy. I'm now contemplating going back with him because,other than the sex, i miss everything about him. Now that I know what's important, i want the old guy back. Think he'll have me? If so, is there anything I can do to improve the sex…I'd hate to be back where I started…
Sav 68
I found the man who I think I'm goin to marry at age 41. He's 45 and very very good to me. He'll do anything for me and loves me beyond words.
He's not a bad lookin guy, I can see from his old pics he was a hottie. Now at 45, he has a pot belly and is getting bigger every day. He wants to eat healthy ever since I met him.
I don't know if it's b/c my libido's been low or what, buy he is unbelievably attracted to me and I'm just blah.
When it comes down to it, like some of you say, looks fade. He's a wonderful lover. How can I know if it's libido or lack of attraction for him? -
daf 69
I have read every coment on here so far and most people are saying pretty much the same thing. I tackle with this myself on both sides, 1 because Im a bigger guy, and Im at the age where most of the women in my age bracket has let themselves go. Im a bigger guy but in no way "beta" and depending on what time of the year you catch me, I could be in pretty decent shape…I pride myself as far as the clothes I wear and keep myself groomed. and I have a youthful look (which sometimes I find younger women being attracted to me). in my age bracket, most of the women are ussually divorced and to the point where life has overwhelmed them and it shows in everything from their style of dress, hair, and overal physical appearance and sometimes thier views on things and personality.
now I know that there are women out there that like bigger men and there are some that like leaner men. because of my personality, I ussually dont have a problem meeting women or dating. but when I do meet that woman that really want a leaner guy, im usually able to pick this up pretty quick.
something someone above said that is very true, your attractiveness, or your percieved attractiveness to a person does very much indeed play on how that person treats you. like Ive said, depending on the time of year you meet me, I may be in pretty decent shape, compared to other times where I might just looke like I need to hit the gym. so I see those differences in treatment…sometimes with the same people.
I know that was long but yes your attraction to a person matters and you cant really force it.
the origional poster's boyfriend should have broken up with her as soon as she explained her delima to him.
and the whole "dont change yourself…they should like me the way I am" is a big lie, I really wish peope would stop thinking like that. Ive met and dated a LOT of people in my life and there are a lot of people out there that need changing…wether it be personality, attitude, apearance…and ussually the ones that need changing the most feel the strongest about the myth I mentioned above…and will probably remain single or habitually divorced thier whole lives.
another thing I noticed is since the popularity of the internet, social websites, and online dating. a lot of people are putting themselves in "classes" that they do not belong, like another person above mentioned…you see a lot of "5′s" looking for "10′s" and thinking "7′s and 8′s" arent good enough. This happens because "especially for women" reguardless what you look like, everyone is going to tell you, you are hot…because they want sex or is just being polite…where as before that forum, you just wouldnt say anything unless yo are attracted to that person…the "5′s" wouldnt be approached by anything other than other "5′s" unless they had a repretation of being "easy" -
Im in the same situation & I understand how hard it is, the guy I'm with is amazing in everyday he supports me financially & gives me a wonderful lifestyle & am very comfortable but I feel no attraction to him & I can't imagine waking up next to him everyday for the rest of my life..my advise is you need to have the sexual attraction/ connection & I guess when ita right you will know.
My perception of a man's appearance depends upon my mood. I met one guy and when I saw him the first time I saw a short man (same height as me) with a big nose and a receeding forehead and glasses and although there was nothing repulsive about him, I didn't feel like he was especially attractive. A few weeks later, I thought he was the most gorgeous, perfectly proportioned man I had ever met and even the hair on his back and shoulders (which has always been a turn-off for me) was somehow endearing.
The man I am involved with now is very handsome and most people comment on that when they see him or his photo. I KNOW he is the classic, "tall, dark and handsome" man, but when my heart is closed from being angry or hurt (if he has "acted ugly" to me), he doesn't look so hot.
BTW, I am at least 60 lbs overweight and I feel so lucky that these 2 handsome guys found me attractive despite my flaws. My ex-husband lost all attraction to me after I had gained weight.
I'm with Evan, that looks are and should be secondary to compatability. It is part of the big picture and if you love someone, they should always be attractive "enough".
kc 72
I'm currently seeing someone that I was hesitant about at first, admittedly because of looks. I've had those 'fireworks' before when you can't get enough of someone but the relationship outside of the bedroom was a nightmare. There is something to be said for someone who is loving, kind, treats me extremely well and seems to think the world of me (and says so often). But I never thought of him as repulsive, just not the best looking guy and a bit older than me. And over time our connection has become deeper and he's definately grown on me. So I definately think you should consider how important their positive traits are to you vs. what bothers you.
Miranda 73
I do believe you must have a physical attraction to someone to be with them long term, but sometimes the way someone makes you feel can boost the inital un-attractiveness and make them more attractive in the end. It is true that looks fade away with time, but it is also important to have that initial attraction, a small reminder when remembering what made you take that big step with eachother. I don't think it's shallow, because if you feel insecure introducing your mate to friends because he's not exactly your type it probably won't work.You have to feel confident in your mate. You have to know what you want and not settle for less than that or you may end up hurting more than just yourself. I think he deserves a chance at trying if he makes you feel good, and is willing to make changes for you….but if after all of that you still have doubts and insecurities about it, you should save yourself and him the trouble. Let him off easy and don't feel bad about it, in the end you did both of you a favor. Best of luck =)
Angelesgymrat 74
I have read everything here eagerly and relate to the original person's situation so much. Over the past few months I have been in a kind of intimate "texting friendship" with a very young man I wasn't able to physically get together with until last month (that aspect of it is a long story…) He's in his late teens, very sweet and, yes, immature. We met online. He was very hooked on me sexually in a way that I was NOT hooked on him. It did feel one-sided, but i had no one else, and I loved the thought of COMMUNITY and STABILITY. He texted me all day and every day and told me how much he loved me. For me he was a "safe" person: I felt no obsession with him, no rush, and i took that as a good thing. When we finally slept together it was cuddly and warm and sweet–I felt no passion. Sex was even a chore, and i saw him sulking. His ethnicity, his face, body etc…it made my heart sink, and he was clingy, needy and demanding. I did like his voice. I was attached to him in an odd way… Months of texting! He is young and in the closet and still confused. He "chose" me..and i went along with it, and was willing to go on. But the gay world (even for people in the closet) is a WILD WEST world, and with amazing speed he met someone else online and fell in love with someone else. He texted me less, I knew something was up, and yet he said "I love you as a friend" and was eager to keep on going in some strange way. He sent me crying emoticons, and he sobbed on the phone when I told him I wouldn't call or text him again–though an occasional email would be ok. I did mean a lot to him but he's so young and needy and likes people 30 years older so of course, the way the market works, Im not surprised it was so easy for him to find someone else. If that hadn't happened, I would have stuck with him and tried. I say "tried" but i think honestly there was too much missing. I don't think i could validate him in the way he (and everyone) needs to be validated. i will never forget his sobs when I cut him off, after he'd met someone new. The attention i got from him felt good because he was different from the "silent shut-down" distant dudes I usually love. When I found out he had someone new, though, he was taking away his mail attraction: his devotion to me. He sobbed and I almost did, too. He heard the panic in his voice, but i left the conversation.
Elise 75
I still believe it takes mucho chemistry and mucho attraction to be the big wonderful love that we all crave, but there are other relationships that are important and lasting. Relationships built on trust and security and peace.
I will always love someone else, but I am in a committed relationship with another. I also love myself more, because I am not giving all of my love to my partner. It beats loving someone else too much.
How much you love the other person will be the determining factor in the success of the relationship. If you love them too much it is a recipe for disaster.
Gem 76
wow, i had no idea that so many other women are in the same boat as i am… im currently in a relationship with a man who is more than twenty years my senior. hes very much a gentleman, very generous and loving, and always has my best interests in mind. and although the sex is pretty good, i just do not find myself physically attracted to him. its not the age difference, becauseive always been attracted to older guys…ive just always preferred men to be on the taller, leaner and more light complected side. my partner is short, overweight and unfortunately starting to lose his hair. i feel completely superficial even bringing this up, but it does bother me sometimes. hes even asked me what it was that initially attracted me to him, since he knows that hes not my type. he says that when we go out in public, people see him, and figure that there must be something special about him since he ended up with someone like me. i notice those looks too, but i dont care what people think because i love him and know how deeply he cares for me. but every now and then, i cant help but wish that he were better looking…its that simple. sad but true.
Gem, I had that experience in my first LTR. No matter how much I loved him I always had doubt in me about marrying him. What if I met someone I fell head over heels in love with? So I didn't marry him.
Don't do that to him. It won't last without chemistry. There will always be something missing in your relationship. Leave now before it becomes so entangled and complicated emotionally.
Janet 78
I feel the same way. I have been with my partner for three years. The beginning was fireworks and then I came to realize that when it came to life goals we were a little off. For example, I wanted to work towards having a family and home and professionally he didn't know how to go that. My attraction for him lessened and it has affected out sex life ever since. He is a good egg, most definitely and three years later he has finally shown me that he does want the same future; however, it took him so long that possibly I resented him. Sex is not as easy. I'd rather go else were but I know I have a good egg.
Qqie 79
This advice would be much better if Dan Savage gave his input. In any case, if you are not remotely attracted to a person, entering into a relationship with sexual expectations is utterly foolish. This would be a complete non-starter for me.
Frannie 80
Don't do it Mia. I have been in the exact same position. EXACT. I met him online, we bonded deeply before we met. I was not attracted to him physically, not at all. To be truthful it was starting to gross me out how fat and lazy he was. I told him because i felt if i didn't it would be a deception. He actually appreciated my honesty, he said "I'm not attracted to me so how can i expect you to be." He vowed to work on his appearance. He didn't get very far in those efforts, but i did notice that he tried to pull down my self esteem telling me that i was the oldest woman he had dated in recent times and he doesn't usually date women my age. I being 12 years his junior.
The lesson is attraction is important. It is fundamental and should be mutual. It was placed there by nature to release all those hormones and brain chemicals that lead to fierce love. You are robbing yourself of true happiness. You CAN have it all. I tried to be less shallow and 'more mature' by dating someone who physically repulsed me; only to realize that I was not being shallow at all. I was finally honest with myself about what I wanted and needed to be happy. -
Bibinator 81
I am shocked to see so many women in the same situation… but at the same time also understand women are only following their natural instinct of wanting protection. I think with the new found freedom women have encountered; being able to fend for themselves gave us a false sense of belief that we can have it all. I don't think we can; if we want to have a family someday. And once this realization sets in, so does reducing our desires in finding a good looking and successful man. We end up settling for the Nice Guy who can provide enough. And I am on the very same path now… I just pray to God that I will love him in time to make this work because I really don't find him sexually attractive at all. Sigh.
Sabina 82
Wow, it seems like lots of people are facing the dilemma I went through. I had a husband who was kind and loving and magazine handsome–tall and muscular etc etc. Unfortunately we just never managed to make it work between the sheets. I spent years trying because he was my best friend and we did everything together. I am still heartbroken that we split up, but in the end I felt there was a wall of ice between us and that I was getting more and more frozen and distant from myself and from him, the longer I stayed in that relationship. I tried to work it out, we went to counselling, but I came to realise it was something of himself that he was always holding back. I honestly felt I was dying inside. By the end I would have sex with him almost crying because it felt so like prostitution, doing it against my will and because he wanted too.
Then later I met someone else. He has a big belly, he's short, he has some features I like but he's just not conventionally goodlooking. What bowls me over is his personality–he's ambitious, driven, perfectionist–hard sometimes to be with but he also really tries in bed. He doesn't have much time to be solicitous and caring like my ex. Even so, for four years now sex has been dynamite, and this at an age (I'm 45) when women often feel like they are being neglected for younger models. I can say that, though I miss the companionship and attention I had from my ex a lot, I also feel a closeness to my new man which is a source of bliss. There is definitely something on the sexual level which has to work for the relationship to work, long term. And no, it's not to do with looks, or attentiveness, but as many posters have said, the self-respect that underlies them. I wasted such a lot of my life trying to make a relationship work and I now wish that despite the pain I had split up earlier with my husband (once I realised it was something over which I had no control) and not hung in waiting for things to improve. I still love my ex and I see him a lot; I miss the life we had together but I can't imagine going to bed with him at all.
Anna 83
I think the most valid point to this whole ordeal is that if you do not want a wandering eye throughout the relationship and hurt the guys feelings it is a whole lot better to end the relationship. And eventhough the lust and the sexual heat dissipates throughout time you'll have the memory of having lived a complete and full loving experience with both sex and love. You might also think that he is perfect right now but he is courting you and with time you will realize that he has flaws just like you and if you don't have feelings for him (females tend to connect sexual attraction with their feelings) you will become even more indifferent. Nature poses a lot of problems to us and most of the time we are attracted to the unavailable types. However the trick is to find the attractive available one or to seduce him so well he actually does become available (Not talking about the married man here but of the promiscuous bachellor).
People say that men are hunters but women are too and nature programmed us to want the best possible mate to have the best possible children.
qwop 84
Honestly if you have absolutely no physical attraction for this man then you can't be with him, its just impossible. How can you kiss him if you're not attracted to him? I'm not saying looks are everything, but you do have to be attracted to him. For example, I've had a couple not-so-hot boyfriends but I was still attracted to them. I think your problem is that you've known him for a long time without seeing him face-to-face, you need some time to get used to seeing him right there in front of you. You need time to start building the relationship up again from zero, good luck
John 85
Each time I visit this site, and read yet another heartbreaking letter, usually from a woman who could not get a boyfriend, a proposal, or a husband, I feel very sad. Not because she couldn't get a man, but rather, because, more often than not, she has been the one unwittingly sabotaging her relationships.
Imagine this woman who "likes" her boyfriend but does not "feel sexual attraction". I do hope she realizes that sexual feelings are often dormant in many women, until a man applies the proper stimuli.
Unfortunately, many women are going to end up single and alone for the rest of their lives. This is not because men don't want them, but because they have believed the feminist lies, and shut themselves away from meaningful relationships.
Sayanta 86
So John…what are these "feminist" lies?
Stella 87
OMG! Im even more confused now! I have the same problem + I am in a distant relation ship for a year now. I was with him for a year before I leave and I still can not break up with him since I love his personality!!
I shoudl add that he is not repulsive for me in any way, I have just never felt that hot in bed with him:( -
Pineapple 88
From your blog and from life, I get the impressing that if a man can stir your sexual desire, he won't be very commited. There are two types of men:
- men who settle for relationships because they aren't as sexually attractive
- men who are sexually attractive to MOST women and use it to their advantageBiology kind of supports this theory. I guess all of the historical emphasis on a woman's virtue was to keep her away from the sexually desirable men so she doesn't know what she's missing.
Confused 89
My advice is run while you can. My best friend met a man who she found REPULSIVE. She couldnt even bring herself to kiss him. But he's successful, makes quite a lot of money, they are a match intellectually etc. So she agreed to be with him and he talked her into having sex with him though she had to be practically drunk everytime they had sex.
Anyway eventually the relationship didnt work out and although they havent spoken in months, to this day she is still haunted by his disgusting breath, his disgusting mannerisms and his repulsive demeanor and she cant get the thought of his slimy hands on her body out of her head.
Who knows what kind of therapy she needs now. Hes gone but what remains is the disgusting afterfeel of having slept with someone like that. Dont do it.
John 90
It never ceases to amaze me, that highly intelligent, well educated, smart women would readily complain about true love, simply because it does not come in the right packaging, and choose a well packaged fake.
Here is a woman who is not "physically attracted" to a man who treats her well, is emotionally available to her, and is willing to make any adjustments necessary to preserve their relationship. How else would you describe the term "commitment"? After all, women complain all the time that men don't want to commit. Here is one that is willing and ready to do so, and what does he get in return? "He is too attached to me" speech. "I am not physically attracted to you" speech. What nonsense.
In my lifetime, I have sometimes realized that attraction sometimes develop SUDDENLY when I am about to lose something or someone. I hope this guy takes a step back, and becomes emotionally distant for a while so that this woman will realize what she is missing. -
Pearl 91
I think lack of physical attraction sometimes be an indicator of lack of attraction to personality traits. Once I start liking a person, I usually stop seeing the physical imperfections. They even start looking good to me. If after getting close to the person, she is still unable to find beauty in him, there is a possibility that she is uncomfortable with something in his personality or behaviour to her that she is not able to pinpoint. Perhaps there is a lack of chemistry between them. We may see many examples of successful marriages where one partner is not as good looking as the other in the conventional sense. But the good looking partner may have been immensely attracted to the other, either due to personality traits or some physical attributes.
Honeyoriginal 92
I don't know how old these posts are but I searched this topic because I am in this exact situation. I read thru a lot of the responses and it did give me something to think about. Just because you are not physically attracted to someone doesn't mean something is wrong with them. Every bowl has a lid. I used to think that I was an alright looking person. Some years back I was in a fire, people often tell me they cant see the scars on my face but they stand out to me. My fiance always tell me how beautiful I am, every single day. He has a great sense of humor. He loves my kids and he takes care of me. He does whatever he can to make me happy. He loves me and I love him. Thats what I'm attracted to. Good men are hard to find as the old saying goes and if he can still be attracted to me despite the fire (which could've been alot worse and then NOBODY would want me) then I can be attracted to him! Hi @John!
DinaStrange 93
@Rebecca #52. I totally agree with you. I also feel pressure to be with someone who is nice but to whom i feel absolutely no attraction. Yes, those men are super nice and they have all the qualities of a husband, faithful, hard working, can provide for family but somehow i feel that if i marry them without any physical attraction, i will lying to them and using them and i cannot do it.
And trust me there were many times when i was so angry at myself for not falling in love with a nice guy and telling myself that sex is not as important, yet not matter what i do i can't force myself to marry a nice guy to whom i feel nothing physically. It feels horrible but for now, i guess i'd rather stay alone.
man 94
I am a guy that has had a relationship with a girl for more than a year. She has a pretty face, and dresses up very well. Her body does not match though. She is not fat, but she is chubby and saggy. She liked me for my looks the first time she saw me, and she says she kept liking me more after she found out I play guitar and have a spanish accent. At first I didnt like her, and this gives me the liberty to say that her looks were not what attracted me to her. We have friends in common, so in the beggining we hanged around because of pure coinscidence. After spending time with her, I noticed how responsible, mature, sweet and cute her personality was, and decided to give it a shot. It was just very easy to have fun with her. So I decided to give it a shot, and ask her out. Now, all our friends envy our relationship. Its so easy to communicate that when we have trouble, it is only for one time. Never fight over an issue again because we get to the very root of it by talking. In the bed, it gets quite interesting. Sometimes I feel connected with her and I dont mind her body, and goes pretty well. Other times, it is very hard to get an orgasm. Usually, when another girl with better looks flirts with me (I am lucky to play guitar and have a spanish accent) I have had the thought of breaking up with my girl because I could be getting something "better." However, I immediately stop the thought when I imagine the best scenario of breaking up with my girl (just being friends), and I cannot imagine myself resisting to hold her hand or kiss her cheeks and lips (not for sexual pleasure, it just moves something inside when I kiss her, I kiss her randomly like 100 times a day), and I think I could never resist that urge. I guess what I am trying to say is that if someone is looking for perfection, they are never going to find it. For my girlfriend, the imperfection is in her body. Also, whoever says physical attraction is always the first spark, is wrong. Physical attraction is just one of the more immediate ways to fish, but it is not the only way to fish. Another relatively immediate way to fish is money (right women?), for example. There is nothing wrong with a women liking the money of a guy as long as it is not the only thing she cares about, just as there is nothing wrong with a guy liking the sexynees of a girl as long as it is not the only thing he cares about. In the end, everyone will have to deal with some kind of imperfection in their romantic relationship, in my case it is in the physical apperance, for others may be some personality flaw, or even poverty. Just be honest with yourselves, and decide which one you are willing to deal with. There is no right or wrong answer.
Man, very interesting! But don't you think her physical shortcoming can pretty easily be solved by working out? Why don't you ask her to work out together? It's fun and very good for bonding as well. You obviously are bothered by her physical imperfection. While none of us is perfect in that department, physical attraction is very important for relationship longevity (you have women throw themselves at you all the time, don't undermine that…one day it'll be too hard for you to resist not because you're a bad man but because you're human).
Don't deny yourself that because it will one day come back and bite you in the ass!
Paragon 96
I truly hope that this thread debunks forever the myth that females are less visual, or selective in terms of culling prospective mates according to their relative physical attractiveness.
The truth is – sexual liberation has accorded females with the ruinous latitude to weight physical attractiveness in their mating choices, with disasterous effect to the evolutionary stability of developed world populations(in terms of sub replacement fertility – which is the consequence of fertility losses incurred by female dominated outcomes in sexual conflict – where the female role as the rate limiting morph in reproductive success predicts systemic fertility losses, as well inbreeding depression effects from the smaller male breeding populations that invariably follow).Trivially observed, this dynamic manifests most apparently of females in the single demographic, where the longer they stay on the shelf(or riding the carousel), the more maladapted they are likely to be to long term gains(with respect to LTRs) – and the less likely they are to ever 'pair-off'.
The indications are(with rare exceptions), that they are unwilling to trade off a concern for sex in exchange for long term gains(relationship security, and correlated benefits).
And the reality is, that, given female selectivity(manifest through their role as the rate limiting morph in reproductive success), the majority of females will never be able to reconcile sexual satisfaction with monogamy since most will not be able to hold the interest of a *much* smaller population of 'choice' males with inexhaustable options(think Pareto's principle, for an approximate distribution of sex – with males the 'fatter tailed' distribution – and you will begin to understand the dynamic behind the prevailing sexual market place in developed world populations).
So, I think we can safely conclude that females who are obstinate about not trading off looks, for relationship security are not really serious about pursuing a LTR with reasonable prospects(instead of trying to land the hypothetical hunky rich guy with a BBW fetish), forgetting that a small and select population of 'choice' males(which greater female selectivity ensures) cannot logically 'pair-off' with a *much*(much!) larger population of choosy females(who all want the same small pool of men – and who are all equally unwilling to 'settle').
My sympathies to Evan, as he has quite a difficult task(at least in helping the women to realize whether or not they are *genuinely* looking for love – which will *always* entail compromises, and trade-offs(particularly in terms of male attractiveness)- or whether they are only willing to indulge an ideal, which is nowhere indicated in liklihood).
It is clear, of the many female apologists that frequent this blog, that they either have no interest in LTRs, or are hopelessly maladapted to them.
Which, of course, begs the question of their investment in this blog(except as a medium to ply their rank apologism).
Tinker 97
The OP feels no chemistry for this man, yet she is second guessing herself.
Romantic relationships require sexual intercourse, kissing, making out.
You need chemistry for this. Otherwise it will feel wrong, like a chore, and maybe even disgusting later in the future.
The OP feels no chemistry for the man, eventually (maybe it's happening already) she will try to avoid kissing, making out, and get out of having intercourse with him.
If they stay together and have children:
1. What kind of an example will be to them, a passionless couple.
2. When the OP finally denies the man physical intimacy, or ends up meeting a man she really wants to be with, the marriage will end up in divorce. The kids living in separate homes, drama with the new boyfriend/girlfriend, new step parents, and finding a new mate who will accept you with children.
About the man in this relationship:
1. He's being kind of selfish: He must have at least some kind of idea that this woman is not inlove with him, yet he's trying to seal the deal faster than a speeding bullet. He's not thinking/caring about her needs as a sexual being with hormones.
2. He's very insecure: a confident person man/woman looks for someone who wants us physically because we feel we deserve to be wanted. A confident man doesn't settle for someone who seems so unsure of him, because he knows there's someone else out there who will just want to rip his clothes off as soon as they get home.
3. He's not very intellingent: he's not thinking about what a horrible future could be waiting for them around the corner. It's a lot more likely that a woman cheats on a man she's not attracted to.
About this woman:
1. She's very insecure of her thoughts and feelings: She knows in her gut that she's not romantically attracted to this man, there's no chemistry on her end. Yet, she has to ask everybody what action she should take when it's all about her feelings, her attraction, whether she likes or doesn't like this man. She already has the answer, yet her insecurity, lack of self-trust is not enough for her to say "hey, I'm not into this guy, what am I doing here? I should be out there, meeting new people because even thought I care about this man, there's no romantic future here" This woman has self-esteem issues and believes she's not going to find someone with whom to have a normal romantic relationship, so she sticks with the first guy that accepts her. She needs therapy, and to mature a little more.
2. She's being selfish: In a big way she's using him as a safety blanket. No one should be used like that. He deserves someone who is inlove with him, we all do.
3. She's not thinking: about the future. In most cases things get more challenging, especially living together, raising children and all the stress that brings about. That's why chemistry and liking your partner is so important, it helps us get thru it all because we feel that we're doing it along with Ms. Mr. Right.
Tinker 98
I should add that just because someone likes us it doesn't make it a good relationship.
It takes Two to Tango. Otherwise you're dancing alone. You're not on the same page.
It's NOT enough that this man feels big attraction for this woman.
From her comment it sounds she is much more attractive than him. Getting someone less attractive than you to get interested and attracted to you is one of the easiest, most instantaneous things to happen.
Just look at the older men out there (usually wealthy) with a woman younger and more attractive than them. Many of these sugar daddies "swear" they're in love. They're in lust. It's very possible that the boyfrient of the OP is "in-lust" with her due to her being much better looking than him. Maybe she's the most attractive woman he's been able to date, and his being in-lust is not allowing him to see the reality of the situation, that she doesn't like him.
Paragon 99
"About the man in this relationship:
1. He's being kind of selfish: He must have at least some kind of idea that this woman is not inlove with him, yet he's trying to seal the deal faster than a speeding bullet. He's not thinking/caring about her needs as a sexual being with hormones."
That's because, most guys have been socialized by both other men *and* women, to think that females are *less* superficial when it comes to looks.
I can't tell you how hard a time I've had convincing guys that females are actually *way* more selective with respect to assessing the physical attractiveness of potential mates, than the reverse.
But, every time someone points this out, the rank and file apologists(both male and female), shout it down.
Go, figure. -
Fiona 100
I have relationships with men that I am not attracted to. I call them friendships…there is no intimacy and never will be. In my late 30s there are still a lot of years a lot of intimacy ahead (I hope) that can either be pleasurable with the right man or just downright insufferable with the wrong one. I did have a relationship for a year with a man I liked but really wasn't attracted to 10 years ago. I was genuinely unhappy although we got on well in other ways – I really saw him more as a friend. 10 years on and he is married to a women who adores him and they now have a baby. We are still friends and I am happy for him. I am not overjoyed by my single situation and there are many things that I regret and wish I had done differently. However, not for one moment do I regret letting that one go because I know that we wouldn't have been happy together. He now is and I still have a chance.
Nina 101
I think Evan is giving the OP the wrong advice, because ultimately, she will be unhappy with this person, if she has tried so far and given it a chance. The mere fact that she is conflicted about her bf says a lot. If a person was happy, they wouldn't be "torn" about someone. Posters have said here that she knows her own answer, and needs to move on; I agree, unless of course, she is able to look past the attraction issue, which, it sounds to me, that she is not able to do that. I also believe for myself (like many others here) that sexual attraction is a very subjective thing, but also, sexual attraction is needed to be with someone romantically (for myself personally). You give it a try with someone, and if you truly feel unfulfilled in the chemistry department, then in my opinion, it is not the right relationship. Some individuals do not need attraction as an important component of their relationships, and they have absolute right to choose people based on those preferences. But also, there are people who do need attraction or chemistry and they should be equally respected for those very personal choices and needs.
NIm 102
When it starts that you do not like him touching your knee, or walking with his arm around you, it is time to say good-by. If you are really not sure what you should do, then continue the relationship. In time, you will know if you should continue it or not. You will either start to like him more, or start to not want him to touch you, you will start to not want to touch him, and then you will want to end it. So, give it time……if you are not sure what to do…..but don't get married yet…..find your answer first!
Jo 103
Let me answer this honestly…the answer is NO. Two years ago, I met the MOST amazing guy..he was sweet, kind, caring, thoughtful, funny, and intelligent. We dated for 6 months. I knew he was a good match for me every other way. But the idea of beingwith him physically was not something I looked forward to. Physically he was not aguy I would have gone out with but he was so nice and sweet, I had to give him a chance. No matter how hard I tried…I could not force the physical attraction…while it is not everything in a relationship, it is part of it an when one part is missing then you (nor he) get the complete package and that is not fair.
He deserves someone that thinks he is the ssexiest, smartest, most attractive man ever. He is a guy that deserves in return what he is giving (which is 100% of himself)…if you can't give it to him..then allow him the chance to find someone else who will.
I am sorry to say it like that…but it is true.
treasures 104
Please listen to me. i am the voice of experience in this. i married a man i felt no attraction to at all. in fact, he was shorter than i wanted also. i thought he was ugly. but i need a father figure then, and i could talk to him. i also was very beautiful, and i heard talk in my house of how pretty women were not so nice (they were actually referring to a family member) and their character was less than desirable. put all this together, and i had to show them all that i was of good character, and looks did not matter. but they did. and chemistry did. i had a long marriage with him, three children grown and grandchildren. i could not tolerate sex after awhile. i desperately wanted a man i craved. yes, eve when i was 65. i was so sexy feeling even then, but i had no desire for him. i should have left him or never married him. i was such a child. i began to have sexual affairs win i was 65! men who were younger in their fifties thought i was sexy and pretty. i had great genes. the thing i can tell you, is that it would have been more fair to let him go to find a woman who loved him and craved him. also, that when you are older, if you have your health, you can still have great sex, but only if you love each other and have passion. that passion never dies.. really do not let anyone tell you it does. i have friends who are still in love and passionate. and when and if the man is impotent in older age,, you still desire each other, so you cuddle up because you want to, and you do other sexual things. leave this man, find someone else.. give him his freedom and another woman he deserves. you deserve another man. you do not have to go thru the scenario that was painted with kids and pot belies!
Sarah 105
Your answer got me thinking about my relationship and I sincerely thank you for that.