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Saturday, June 11, 2011
Breaking the Silence- Discussing the "L" Word
My healthy and unhealthy relationship choices, my decision to trust Christ, the reason at times I blog.
It haunts my nights and weighs down my days.
I know God has put this in my heart- a hole so deep, so vast,
so unquenchable.
Tears fall down my face as I expose my heart's deepest secret.
The "L" word-
The desire to be known, known in the depths of who I am, and then loved for me in all my beautiful mess. To equally know and love others deeply, truly, without pretence. To be brought to a place where this
deepest of deep loneliness is
I wonder if God feels this way-lonely and longing to be known?
Waiting for us to enter into the most Holy of Holies, into the most intimate of relationships with Him.
Could it be?
And what do we do with this loneliness?
When we bow the knee and seek His Face- our heart, panting, thirsty- to be known.
He gently takes our hearts in His gentle Hands.
He whispers- I know you, I see you. You are not a bother, an irritation. I welcome you- in all you are and yes, I accept you with a love that will never fail.
When you hide in dark corners and cry until there are no more tears, when you curse the pain and question hope. When you are sure there is not one person in the world you you could call and be heard and loved at 3a.m.
He does and He will.
He also exemplifies love that we should have for our fellow brothers and sisters.
Not church fellowship dinners where all that is exchanged is formal greetings and a Jello mold-but a desire to deeply know, love, hear and reach into the depth of lonely hearts.
But we fear don't we?
Loneliness- who wants to admit the depth of our hearts?
I stand unashamed and say, Yes- I hurt to be known and know- I also stand unashamed and say- as a body of believers lets start a revolution of real, true love of of each other and our neighbors.
Rip off the mask and let's start a revolution of transparency and grace.
I don't know about you, but this girl is tired of Ken and Barbie parades- plastic, graceless, cold, performance Christianity. There are too many thirsty Christians and lost people in this world to keep up the masquerade.
There is Living Water for the most thirsty of souls.
It begins by stepping out and ripping off the mask.
I can't do it alone.
***Late addition to this post.***
I have a question to all those who read this- I am curious.
I wonder how many struggle with the kind of loneliness I spoke of and how many do not identify in any way with it.
If you do identify with it- do you feel that those who are creatively inclined struggle with loneliness ( The desire to be known and to know) the most?
44 comments:
This is definitely something we want to deal with in our church, and something we hope that our small groups will help address.
But still for me personally, loneliness is something that has defined my life: as a child in a tiny church, no neighbors to play with, relatives all living over seven hours away, going to tiny Christian schools (the largest had 45 kids in it total and was a one and a half hour away) to BJU where I often ate alone to all three churches we've been in since marriage. Now I see the same thing in my children's lives: they have few friends and I hurt inside because I don't want them to be lonely the way I have. I try to reach out, but everyone always seem so busy with their own lives. Yes, I can fill my life with needy people, but I long to find someone to understand ME and to care about ME.
I've actually giving up reading most Christian non-fiction because in it, some famous woman conference speaker describes friends dropping in for coffee or going out for a weekly girls night out with her best buds or having a special weekend getaway with her friends from college and I think, "Why not me? Why am I always on the outskirts, unknown and unwanted?" And when I see the same thing happening with ALL my children, it crushes my heart.
From "Mercy" - June 11, 2011 at 12:27 PM
- Kristine said...
You have spoken what's in my own heart, my friend. In my book I talk about this desire to "be known". Since we are made in God's image, when you consider the lengths He went to in order to restore our relationship with Him...yes...He wants us to know Him.
And in being the church we need to know each other without masks. It's the reason Jesus send us out in the first place.
Great, great post. - June 11, 2011 at 12:38 PM
I too have longed for deep friendships, cried at 3am and wished there were someone who cared. I have never been good at wearing a mask, so I've never felt like I fit in...in our IFB circles. Everyone seemed to have the same smile, the same "arms length" care and concern (fake in my eyes)...If I ever tried to get close and love someone, I was shut down and held off even farther...almost as if, THEY were afraid if I knew they were not perfect, I would shut THEM out. (Which I wouldn't have, but who knows how many times that had happened to them?) I never fit. I never felt loved or cared about. I always wondered what was wrong with me.
My "problem"...I am transparent.
What you see, is what you get. Me in a nutshell. Recently...actually several times...who I am has been misunderstood for something else. I guess if people are used to the mask...anyone who doesn't have one on, MUST HAVE WRONG MOTIVES. I have been lied about...people have gossiped about me and leaders have believed the lies without even asking ME if they were true. They have said, "well, I observed and realized it MUST be true" Really? My transparency has caused me much pain. At first I wanted to crawl into a hole and just hide away.
But Christ created me different. I will not hide from what He created me to be. I am Chosen. He created me with a transparent love for others...a genuine care and concern for the hurting. And I will not go back into the "box" of masks, to be accepted.
I long for close friendships, where I can be me, without someone questioning me, or wondering if I really meant something. I long for REAL friends, who just love me...no matter what.
At this point though, I've nearly given up hope for that type of a relationship.
and so I hide...alone. How many times can you be skewered through your soul before your heart says, "ENOUGH! I just want Christ"
Yes, I am lonely. Sorry to be so long, but this is very near to where I am. - June 11, 2011 at 12:59 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
Wow- thank you each for your transparency and hearts. To each of the anonymous posters- THANK YOU for sharing your hearts! Thank you thank you thank you!!! You are brave and beautiful to share.
- June 11, 2011 at 2:03 PM
I am so lonely. My wife left my kids are distant. My friends have abandonded me. Lonely. Yikes
- June 11, 2011 at 2:09 PM
- Bristol said...
Hi Julie, came over to your blog through The High Calling.
You've got some beautiful words here! I loved this:
"Rip off the mask and let's start a revolution of transparency and grace."
Definitely! I'm in!
I often feel the loneliest within the Christian community -- sometimes the church can be a really unwelcoming place. So I really appreciate your call for more authenticity, more fellowship, deeper community. That is a message that needs to be spoken and heard.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts in this post! Such important questions you're raising.
Also: to the anonymous commenter above who feels distant from family and abandoned by friends... I want to acknowledge what you said and let you know that I sat in the pain of your words. It's my hopeful prayer that community will start to grow in your life, in the most unexpected places. And that, in the meantime, you can find healing for your heart. - June 11, 2011 at 3:54 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
Thank you for sharing, thank you for visiting, most beautifully, thank you for taking the time to hear, know, and affirm the anonymous post above
Male anonymous...you are not alone. - June 11, 2011 at 4:17 PM
I am "Anonymous#2" above...in answer to your question Julie, about creativity...I am very creative in many ways. I've never thought about whether or not that was linked to wanting to be known and understood.
It will be interesting to see what other people have to say about it though...I really don't know.
My husband is NOT creative, and could care less what anyone thinks of him.
hmmmm.... - June 11, 2011 at 4:29 PM
- Kim Bowen said...
I often felt this at the end of my first marriage and thus my leaving of fundamentalism. I didn't believe in what we were anymore. I felt so fake yet powerless to change the lie. I would slip out right before Lord's Supper so as not to perpetuate a lie. I would come to church one minute before it started so I didn't have to interact.
I had a turning point one morning when I resolved to leave. I knew the pain and felt nothing could be worse on the other side. There was a hard year or two after leaving as I tried to give up what others thought of me...to let that go. I would cling to the thought that all that mattered was for my children to know my truth.
I can honestly say I no longer feel the loneliness. That is to say I am no longer lonely. I feel very at peace. I think somehow God is blessing me which goes completely contrary to the beliefs of my youth, but I savor it. Each day I bask in it. It doesn't seem fair as I know others are suffering. I wonder if maybe I "bore the yoke" in my youth? I'm no longer waiting for an ax to fall.
I am not creative. I do think an artistic, creative person could feel more acute loneliness than others. I think that is a very valid point. - June 11, 2011 at 4:52 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
OK..I am LOVING that people are sharing, voicing their hearts.
I am wondering if there are two types of loneliness- the kind that overcomes people through circumstances- like the male anonymous commenter ( divorce, heartbreak)
And a loneliness that plagues those who have more creative minds. A loneliness that doesn't ever go away, it may ebb and flow but always stays a constant.
Looking forward to other thoughts/ voices on this and maybe even thoughts on what the church can do to foster deeper community. - June 11, 2011 at 5:03 PM
- Miss Diagnosis said...
Julie, I have felt the kind of loneliness you speak ever since my earliest memories. The kind where you feel like a stranger among family and friends. And since my struggle with chronic illness began over 18 years ago, I've also struggled with circumstantial loneliness. Since I learned my Secret Name of Treasured, a friend explained that I am the kind of person that you really have to invest a lot of time and energy to get to know, both due to the depths of my personality and also due to the complexities of my life with illness - kind of like searching for hidden treasure. I just assumed that may be why I've had this constant struggle with loneliness.
I also think within the church so many of us are lonely because we only foster surface relationships and don't truly open up and be authentic with others - often because it's discouraged or even penalized in many ways.
I'm so thankful you shared this because it has been on my heart for a long time too. <3 - June 11, 2011 at 5:41 PM
All of these wonderful words of sharing mean so much to me. I have struggled with loneliness most of my life. In the past year, I have had my husband leave me, I have left the IFB, and I have moved away from everything and everyone I have ever known.
By God's grace, I am now standing and living on my own. I get very afraid sometimes, and I am still very lonely, but it is nothing compared to the terrible loneliness I have suffered most of my life.
Like someone commented above, I have experienced happiness on the surface for the most part. Being so involved in my church all my life, I never had the courage to face my true feelings or hear my own voice.
I hope this does not sound cold, but it makes me glad to know that the loneliness I have felt is not experienced by only me, as I have felt for so long. It is felt by so many, and I have to put my faith in my beloved Jesus that it will one day be taken away.
Julie, I cannot thank you enough for your beautiful blog. I found it through SFL, where I am a lurker. I have not yet found the courage to post there, and this is my first post here. It resonated so, and I had to comment. Thank you all for your words.
J - June 11, 2011 at 5:56 PM
- Hope said...
I believe this desire to be known has always been deep in my life but not until lately have I acknowledged it and given it air to breathe. As it comes out in the open I am able to first see that I am never alone if I have the Spirit inside of me and that truly the best way to not feel alone is to open up to the people in my life (one of the hardest things for me to do....). I had not thought about the creativity affect but can see that a creative soul is always searching and looking and seeking the truth or the beauty or a way to express what they know is inside. All that for me at times has led to an overwhelming sense of being alone. Thanks for this post and encouraging me to ponder this a bit more. Blessings, Hope
- June 11, 2011 at 6:00 PM
- Lori said...
Julie--I certainly know the loneliness you are talking about here. Even after 15+ years in our current church, I never really developed a close bond with anyone. (well, I had one great friend--but they left the church) My best friend is so busy I never see her. About 2 years ago, I joined a home school co-op because I needed that connection with other women. I needed the "girlfriend" thing. At first, it didn't go as planned, but over time, I began to learn that I needed someone who would be real with me. I desperately wanted something deeper, but I learned that deeper sometimes hurts. Allowing people to really get to know you makes you vulnerable. The Holy Spirit really used some of these ladies to show me that I needed to start listening to HIM instead of thinking everything was OK with me. Real friendship has to break down some walls of self, especially to the follower of Christ. Isn't it amazing that Christ could love us the way He does? I mean really KNOWING us.
- June 11, 2011 at 6:36 PM
The consequences of living in a world tainted by sin, our old nature the flesh have made loneliness a very comon complexity in all of humanity, this includes believers in Christ. No one is immune from it. We often believe the lie that we are the "only one" when truth be spoken, most people are very good at hiding, and covering up what appears to be a weakness. The apostle Paul says that he only boats of his weaknesses so that the "power" of Christ may be made real to others in his life. God has a purpose for those experiencing loneliness. It is to "draw" you to Himself. Once we "underdtand" the fullness of our position, power and purpose IN Christ alone, can we then enjoy the fellowship of the body of Christ.
We long for fellowship with God and man because we were created for it. Sin separated that which was ment to be whole. Recognising that Jesus bridged the gap, and made even that fellowship much much MORE than before the fall should encourage us greatly.
Keep your priorities in check, God first. Cultivate your personal sonship with Him first. He is a person take time to get to know Him. Then take that which you have in and with Him to your horizontal relationships family, friends, and ask Him to open doors of intimacy with others. You can't help but want to be interested in others, when your relationship with Him is carefully cultivated and well cherished.
The inner conflict of loneliness is God pursuing you. Don't over look it, don't hide it, or mask it. Reach out to Him in your desperation! Seek Him His word, take Him by His hand and let Him lead you in deeper depths of communion with Him. The pains of loneliness are to lead you into the "fullness" of joy and fellowship with Him and others. Don't stop at loneliness. It isn't ment for you to stay there, but to pull you beyond into what your heart desires most. To know and be known, to love and be loved by Him and the family of His body, the church. We were made for fellowship! - June 11, 2011 at 7:34 PM
- Valerie said...
Guacamole, this could not have come at a better moment for me. The loneliness, I feel sometimes, and feel very much at this very moment, is so intense. I feel as though I cannot bear up under the weight of it. I am going through something very painful emotionally right now, that has brought up all the sadness and loneliness I felt as a child. I had almost forgotten how hard it was until lately. When I was young, I was surrounded by family and yet, I was not. My parents were unbelievers, my Dad has been married 3 times and my mom 4. I am the youngest from both. When things got tough for them, they did their best, with what they knew how to be, but usually just walked away. Walked away from their marriage, walked away from me. For some reason when things got tough for them, they had forgotten they had a little girl yet still to raise and cuddle and comfort. That loneliness and longing for acceptance led me to 4 years of terrible promiscuity, and a teen pregnancy. It all led me though to my Savior, lover of my soul. I had never truly felt loved until I KNEW Him. And Yet, I married someone who, although he is no worse a sinner than I, is so very much like my parents in that life has gotten stressful and he has "walked away" just as my parents did. He punishes me when things do not go as planned for him. He is hurting. He is a sinner in need of Grace, same as us all. But still I cry out to our sweet Father and ask Him, "have you made a mistake? Why when you KNEW loneliness is the one thing that was so hard for me, would you allow my marriage to be to a man who would abandon me (not geographically speaking, but emotionally)?" I know God is good. I know He grows us in that unquenchable hole we feel deep in the pit of our stomach. But it hurts. I am praying for my husband, for myself, for our sweet children, and for God's Grace and Mercy and LOVE to be poured out on us. But oh how the loneliness stings.
- June 11, 2011 at 10:36 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
Oh- so much I want to say- so much gratefulness for each of you and your words.
I hurt with you, I rejoice in our Savior with you, you are heard- Most of you shared some very transparent and vulnerable things-
Valerie- I am praying for you sweet friend. I connect with your story and your pain- for 14 years my husband and I struggled, almost divorced- so much pain and mistakes. God is redeeming our situation in a beautiful way. It is nothing short of a miracle- DON"T LOSE HOPE even when things seem impossible hopeless.
You are not alone!! - June 11, 2011 at 11:57 PM
- BethanyG said...
Yes, I know what it is to feel the ache of loneliness. Though at times my loneliness was circumstantial, I've also felt the deep need to be known. And I think you are right - creative people tend to feel it more often non-circumstantially than more left-brained persons like myself do.
Keep on.
Bethany - June 12, 2011 at 10:51 AM
- Valerie said...
I've read this a couple of times now and I'm not sure what I've experienced fits the descriptions here. I've tried going back to church (it's been about 20 years since I regularly attended church), and when I have, I sat in the far back row, in the very corner, hoping that someone would say hello, but terrified that they would. I wanted to be noticed, but wanted to be invisible at the same time. I became very depressed, and I felt like.. if I just belonged, everything would somehow get better. I've never been completely honest with anyone about who I am (nothing bad, but I leave things out, for fear that they'll think I'm weird or laugh at me). It gets exhausting trying to be what everyone expects of me, then I'm frustrated that no one really knows me (so that is all my fault). Anyways, I'm rambling :) Sorry!
I'm going to throw this out there too, in hopes no one will yell at me or hate me. I'm one of your pagan readers. I left "church" as a whole to look for something else, because I was so unhappy. I've tried to go back, and even the smallest negative completely destroys my desire to go back (like trying to walk somewhere with a house of cards that falls down with the slightest bump). I'm done now :) Thank you for your blog! - June 12, 2011 at 2:01 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
Valerie and everyone here who posted their hearts and hurts here,( and even those who didn't post yet they hurt)
First I want to say thank you. Thank you with ALL my heart. Not only are you ALL welcome here- you are heard. If there is anyone out there who knows Blogger well and knows how to allow me to answer each individual comment please email me! I want to make sure each of you know how precious your comments are.
Secondly, this make make some of the Pharisees angry but I am so sick of the church being a Sunday museum showing off plastic saints instead of a hospital for the sick, the hurting, the sinners, the desperate in need of hope. If beautiful hearts like my pagan friend Valerie or my Anonymous, broken friends who are trying to make it on their own despite abuse, or being abandoned by their husbands/wives cannot find hope and help in the church where in the world DO they go??? If they are being hurt by the very place that claims truth, love and hope what is this saying?
Am I passionate about the healing power of Jesus Christ, yes! I shamelessly believe He is the truth, the Way and the Life but we are not going to affect change in this world by sitting in lofty places, judging everyone else's spirituality and giving them some, "build a bridge and get over it" attitude or some formula for success in Jesus. ( That insinuates that if you are struggling you are not right with God.) There needs to be an embracing of radical grace and unconditional love, a love that sees past fear and reaches out IN LOVE and authenticity.
ugh...this is my passion.
Valerie I want to reach out and hug you. Tell you how much I love and SEE you. How much you encourage me. Your tender sweet heart is a blessing to me! And those broken friends who posted here - anonymous and not- I love you! There is a God who loves you, sees you, hears you.
Thank you for being you.
So much more to say..but I am too fired up- I may get myself in trouble if I keep typing! (= - June 12, 2011 at 2:49 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
PS. NO ONE will yell at you or hate you here. You are safe. You are loved for you. If they do they have to deal with this mama bear and I can get ugly when mean people hurt those I love and who Jesus loves. (= - June 12, 2011 at 3:35 PM
- Valerie said...
I used the wrong choice of words, what I meant I think was that I don't want to offend anyone. But it's important to know where I'm coming from to understand who I am, I think. At the time I wrote that I was a bit emotional (not in a bad way, but I wasn't thinking clearly enough to get my words out).
I'm not meaning to say anything bad about anyone, Christian or otherwise. I'm the last person who has the right to call someone bad or wrong. I know a lot of the suffering I've dealt with has been purely because of my own choices.
One thing that you said, about "build a bridge and get over it," I remember looking for a denomination that I felt comfortable with so I could go back to church. I had a concern about a conflict of my beliefs with a specific denomination and I was told if I didn't like it, I belonged elsewhere. I'd never ask people to change for me, but I'm trying to find a way to make myself fit in, you know? If love and kindness were the foundation (real love and kindness, not mean, angry behavior with the excuse that it is done out of love), there would be a lot more people happy to have a relationship with God.
Thank you, you're such a wonderful person. As I said on Facebook, I wish there were more people like you. Thank you. *hugs* :) - June 12, 2011 at 9:08 PM
- Valerie said...
What's so wonderful about this dear sister is that through blogging about "loneliness" you have been able to comfort us with your kind responses to our comments and have in the end helped us be a little less lonely. Bless you sweet sister for that. Let the Church stand and be that for all who hurt.
- June 13, 2011 at 12:51 AM
I have lived in a place of loneliness my entire life.
Growing up, I was convinced I must be adopted; I simply did not fit in with my own family - none of them "got me" at all! Most of the time it seemed that none of them even liked me or wanted to identify with me in any way.
I have struggled desperately in my marriage with the realization that I married someone who seemingly has no desire to really know me, see my heart, hear me.
God has recently put some women in my life with whom I finally feel I can start to learn to just be myself and be accepted and loved. This has helped tremendously, but it cannot replace the desire to have the one person you care for most on this earth to return that sentiment.
P.S. I am a creative soul, my spouse is not. I do find (in general) that I am more heard and understood with other creative people. - June 13, 2011 at 10:08 AM
- luciahames said...
Today is my birthday. Thankfully, I have a wonderful family and a celebration to go to tonight. I live by myself, I am divorced, and have a 23 year relationship with a man that loves me, but is not in love with me. We will never marry. I have times of heart-pounding terror of being left by myself while my friends and dear family are occupied with their daily routines. Lonely?? Ha, i could write a book...
- June 13, 2011 at 12:15 PM
Thank you for your willingness to speak openly on such a personal struggle.
Until today, I have never publicly acknowledged my loneliness despite it's crippling effects on my life. I guess I was too afraid that people would think that I was just too needy.
Thank you, my precious friend! - June 13, 2011 at 12:53 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
What can I say? I am in tears. I hurt and grieve and feel each of your pain. I feel so small, the needs so great.
Please just know that you are NOT alone and that Jesus will meet you where you are. Cry out to Jesus.
Love you all so much. - June 13, 2011 at 12:57 PM
- Valerie said...
I just realized what I meant to write about, I completely left it out. I think my son stole most of my brain cells when he was born :)
Regarding the "build a bridge and get over it" thing, I was on a forum asking about my conflict between my own values and the values of a specific denomination, and I was told if I didn't like it I should go elsewhere, because the church isn't going to change (which I'd never ask it to). I was just kinda shocked at how up front someone was about it.
Have a wonderful day, and thank you again :) *hugs* - June 13, 2011 at 2:13 PM
I am grateful for your gift of writing, for your ability to speak love and grace so eloquently.
It is so easy to identify with your words, so easy. I've been attending church for nearly my whole life, and I haven't found it to be the most welcoming place - and so I am all in with your proposal to "rip off the mask and... start a revolution of transparency and grace." It should be the place where we can meet Jesus as we are, to love and be loved, to not be judged, not criticized, not ignored. John 13:35 says "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Re: your question about creative types - I'm not the creative type, per se, but always trying to be more than I am.
Amen to your words - Living Water for the most thirsty of souls. - June 13, 2011 at 2:44 PM
- Rowan said...
- June 13, 2011 at 2:53 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
Happy birthday dear friend!!! Hoping you have an incredible day. You are dearly loved by this girl. Wish I could hug you! So so glad I know you- you are a joy to me! - June 13, 2011 at 3:01 PM
I think technology has done more to isolate us than "connect" us in many ways. I am lonelier now that I have a computer than I ever felt with just a phone. The human voice is so comforting, the real laugh instead of the "LOL" and the face time more than facebook. Not that I would give any of these up, but they often leave me lonelier than ever, kind of substitute for investing in people I'd rather not get close to ,and feeling that it's mutual. I also think that many pastors and pastors' wives are lonelier than THEY let on, and to talk about loneliness comes across as "complaining" or "not being content with what you have." Truth is I think Jesus was lonely on earth because he had left the One person who knew Him like no other. I long for intimacy with other women; I have it with two friends and for that I'm thankful. But it's not often enough to feel really buoyed up consistently.
Good question about the creativity. There may be truth to it, but I would say that bloggers are among the loneliest people out there. - June 13, 2011 at 3:15 PM
- Cyndi said...
I struggle with this immensely. I am in the situation I am in now because I was trying to fill the loneliness with an inappropriate relationship instead of going to God. Now I am struggling to get out because I know it is wrong.
Loneliness is definitely something we as a church need to speak more about.
Love your blog! Thanks for posting.
~Cyndi - June 13, 2011 at 3:27 PM
- SavedbyGrace said...
Hi Julie, you don't know me, but you know my sister Sherry Rudegeair Morales. I just want you to know that I sincerely and deeply enjoy reading your blog. I love how honest and transparent you are. Thank you for that. I think we all are lonely people. In one way or another. Most people I know feel alone. Even those that are surrounded with friends may have something going on in their life where they wished they had someone that they could trust and talk to. But most of the time we endure and just take our path alone.
- June 14, 2011 at 11:37 AM
- I am His Beloved said...
Anonymous- I so hear you. I think Pastor's wives are the loneliest bunch out there.
Cyndi- I left you a comment on your site. You are priceless.
Savedbygrace- I LOOOOOVE your sister Sherry! She is one of my most favorite people! So very nice to meet you friend! - June 14, 2011 at 12:46 PM
Holey Smokes! Are we identical twins separated at birth??? I COMPLETELY agree and understand you! Blessings!
- June 14, 2011 at 4:18 PM
I have always felt like an "alien", and often feel this way the most when in a service at my church. Even in the small groups that meet, people seem terrified of opening-up. When I talk about my feelings, or (God forbid) tear-up a little bit as I am talking, people change the subject and I sense that they are perceiving me as a hysteric, or worse.
As far as creativity and loneliness, and whether they go together - I would think that a very creative person can express their true self through music, art, or writing, or some other medium, and so experience a sense of gratification through seeing their true self in a created "product". So even if they are not seen by others, they have the satisfaction of seeing themselves in their creation.
I think most lonely people, or those who feel alienated from others, are more sensitive than the average person, and have rich inner resources, which they long to share - and they also want to experience the inner resources of another. Since this process is cut-off in a sterile environment such as many church settings, it can feel devastating to not have this kind of interaction. I think there also is a level of high intuitiveness involved (the person has much empathy, also...) and so it is even more excruciating, because the person senses intuitively that they are not being seen or understood.
If you haven't guessed, I'm describing my own experience! Thank you for what you wrote, and the chance to write back about it - - June 15, 2011 at 11:09 AM
- I am His Beloved said...
Powerful stuff Janet- you are dead on. My spiritual gifting is mercy and it tends to be a gift and a curse. So many of your words are just so rich, thank you for sharing them.
- June 15, 2011 at 1:08 PM
- Cherry Lynn said...
You just spoke from MY heart, Julie!!!
WOW!!! - June 16, 2011 at 3:54 AM
- Cherry Lynn said...
"The desire to be known, known in the depths of who I am, and then loved for me in all my beautiful mess. To equally know and love others deeply, truly, without pretence. To be brought to a place where this deepest of deep loneliness is quenched." BAM!!! That is SO dead on!!! These words couldn't be any more intimate...and I couldn't own anything any more than I own this. I cried as I read this blog.
- June 16, 2011 at 4:04 AM
- Me said...
Julie, thank you for this post. God is speaking through you in amazing ways. He is using you to bring healing to others.
I have experienced this loneliness, too. I still experience it from time to time. When my husband and I decided to leave the denomination that we were both brought up in, we created quite a bit of distance from some of our friends. It caused rifts between me and my parents.
As my views and thoughts have continued to shift, it has become harder and harder to be accepted within church circles. I'm no heretic or anything like that, but I also think for myself and question a lot.
God has been faithful, though. He has brought key people in my life to provide fellowship and encouragement.
I am so thankful for your writings. You put words to feelings that have tumbled around in me for a long time. - June 16, 2011 at 6:38 AM
- Kristine (a/k/a Mouse) said...
I subscribed to your feed over a month ago and only today caught up on all the previous posts. I saw this one and since you asked, and I identify, I had to share.
I do struggle with loneliness. I think one way I combat it is to get much too involved in favorite tv shows. I am 33, single, live alone. I have a good life, I know that. But I see people much younger than I post their engagements and weddings and new babies on facebook and sometimes it makes me cry. Why do *they* get to have someone and I am still alone? What is wrong with me? Why didn't he want me?
I don't think creative types struggle any more or harder or deeper. But, I do think we are more attuned to it. We are more likely to examine it, to pay attention to it, to notice it and to try to put words or art to it. I think it's there for a lot of people, but many don't notice it or see anything wrong with it. And some people don't feel it as deeply as the rest of us do. - July 4, 2011 at 5:27 PM
- I am His Beloved said...
I want you to know that I am praying for you and for your heart. I pray that you find hope and healing. You are loved. - July 18, 2011 at 5:51 PM
- Bernard Shuford said...
Not "lonely" but often feel very alone.
- July 21, 2011 at 1:50 PM


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Facts Are Stubborn Things
Congressman Tim Huelskamp - Fri 04:37 PM 05/18/2012
A Salina man recently submitted a column to several Kansas newspapers criticizing a recent health care update that I mailed to my constituents. As John Adams once said, "Facts are stubborn things," so let me respond to the many inaccurate claims in the column.
First, President Obama does raid $500 billion from Medicare to fund his new health care plan. My critic suggests that since $136 billion is taken from the popular Medicare Advantage – and $364 billion from other Medicare programs – somehow Obama doesn't raid Medicare. The fact is our seniors are being asked to shoulder the costs of ObamaCare.
Second, as it relates to budget deficits, my critic conveniently ignores the obvious reality that the federal government has to spend more money to provide ObamaCare and relies on new revenue to do this. According to the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, ObamaCare is still expected to have gross costs of $1.496 trillion over the next decade.
Third, and perhaps most importantly, my critic insinuated that the mailer cost six-figures at taxpayer expense. It most certainly did not. I invite him to look up the expenses in the official disclosure reports, which show that the total cost of production, printing, and mailing was roughly 50 cents per household – and not every household received it. Our office has been considerably frugal. In fact, we recently returned a $143,000 check to the U.S. Treasury of our unused office funds; that is about 10 percent of our budget on top of the 6.5 percent cut Republicans made to all office budgets last year. Could you imagine if every entity in Washington did the same thing?
Fourth, it is patently false that replying to the mailer will be returned with a campaign solicitation. It is against federal law to mix official and campaign contact information, and my office is 100 percent in compliance with that law.
Lastly, my critic said he is Vice President of a business. I would be curious to know if and how his business is affected by ObamaCare. In response to the mailer, a business owner in Yoder – Michael Miller – offered the following insight into the unsettling impact upon his restaurant. In order to meet the burdensome requirements of ObamaCare, he will see his expenses increase and subsequently have to increase his sales by six times that amount. Mr. Miller explained:
"I simply can't pass this expense on to my menu prices because I'm not sure Kansans are ready to pay $12 for a plate of fried chicken at their local restaurant…I used to worry about my restaurant competitors or my food costs or where I will be able to find good employees. Those worries all pale in comparison to the fears I have about what my government is going to mandate on me. I used to be the biggest advocate for young people to 'strike out on their own' and start their own business. Now, I can't honestly say that it would be a wise decision."
It is a story like Mr. Miller's shows why ObamaCare must be undone. Words from a critic in a newspaper are but mere words on a page; Mr. Miller's story is the real life example of the American Dream being derailed. For that we must fight.
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Friday 18 May 2012 18:03 Report this comment
Jilka is stilled pissed cause he got beat...LOL He is such a loser
Friday 18 May 2012 18:43 Report this comment
you just know the whole time reading Jilka's story it was a pack of lies. He is a nut! Obama care will not affect his Ma's business, I think he is the only employee and I think the mentally handicapped get free insurance.
Friday 18 May 2012 21:12 Report this comment
Thank you for keeping up the good fight Congressman!
Friday 18 May 2012 23:21 Report this comment
"I simply can't pass this expense on to my menu prices because I'm not sure Kansans are ready to pay $12 for a plate of fried chicken at their local restaurant." $14.59 at Brookville Chicken in Abilene. What was that about a pack of lies?
Saturday 19 May 2012 20:28 Report this comment
ya gotta wonder how many times jill ka clicked on this.come on Allie lets here ya.18 years of college,write sompin.
Monday 21 May 2012 14:40 Report this comment
Mr. Miller is effected by Obamacare? Does he have over 50 employees? I've gotta say Mr. Huelskamp, you are a farce. Most people thought Kansas was a dump before you took office. They see you on TV, and now they know. And by the way, your fact: "The fact is our seniors are being asked to shoulder the costs of ObamaCare" is one stubburn thing.
Monday 21 May 2012 22:04 Report this comment
Why did republicans push for health care reform long before Obama became president? Look up health care reform by the republicans during the 70's. Now that Obama passed it they are angry as hell that he did something they have been trying to accomplish for decades? Kinda like the debt ceiling republicans in congress passed 82 times while Bush was president.Never heard a wimper. Obama is prez, christ almighty, never seen such a stink!
Tuesday 22 May 2012 08:51 Report this comment
A.Jilka in my opinion, is such a nasty ugly liberal socialist democrat. It needs to keep busy working for his parents at the high priced furniture store. Has anyone ever priced furniture at that place, is very expensive. This guy has to be the ugliest democrat ever, regardless of his skewed views. Yobanger and IamMe must have some down syndrome in their chromosonal makeup, cuz their talking nonsense.
Tuesday 22 May 2012 13:01 Report this comment
To Travis2. Beauty is only skin deep. Your vile comment proves this very well.
Wednesday 23 May 2012 09:38 Report this comment
grnthums, how does a vile comment about an ugly guy prove the old skin deep saying? lol Has anyone ever heard this jilka guy on the radio? He talks in slow motion, and says "uh" about every 5th word. I heard him on friendly fire a few years back, and it was painful listening to him stumble along trying to say more than 5 words without pausing and saying uh, and uh, the uh. Hes just like obama, uh, um, and uh.
Wednesday 23 May 2012 14:39 Report this comment
Travis, you couldn't pick my d@#$ on the moon.
Wednesday 23 May 2012 15:19 Report this comment
yobang is making a lot of sense....his 58 IQ is showing again. lol.
Thursday 24 May 2012 20:08 Report this comment
@ Yob rangler, yes he does have well over 50 employees. as that is not the only business. Actually he is being modest because if that resturant folds , over half the people in town will be out of work. the town will close the next day, and what n hell does the Brookville Hotel have to do with anything, click , click over here, focus!
Friday 25 May 2012 21:11 Report this comment
Wow! Travis? Is your credit cards maxed out? Just stated a fact and you get you pink panties all in a pinch. I am sorry to state another fact, I do not care for Jilka one way or another. Sorry the fact that republicans have been pushing health care reform since the 70's gets you all upset. Now Travis how about stamping stupid on your forehead and stand on the corner and read republican bumper stickers? Oh wait you all ready do. How is the welfare?
Tuesday 29 May 2012 08:24 Report this comment
IamME, you're confused. Have you forgot democrats are often the ones living on welfare, love entitlement programs and new tax law bills that take from the producers and give to the non producers. I am a producer. What does this have to do with CC debt anyway? FYI, I actually have no CC debt. Regardless, republicans arent much better than Dems, but they are the lesser of two evils. I'm libratarian & believe in limited govt intrusion into our lives. I do not believe that anybody has a right to take from someone and give it to someone else. Healthcare is not a birthright. Taxes should only be to maintain infrastructure, ie bridges & highways. To maintain our sovereignty with a military. To protect our property rights, ie police & fire departments, the CDC, FDA & etc, but NOT for WELFARE, that is role of Charities or Churches.

subset: commoncrawl


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Born in Rangiora and a graduate of Canterbury University, Robin Clark is an internationally celebrated scientist, based at University College London where he was for many years the Sir William Ramsay Professor, Dean of Science and Head of Chemistry, recently becoming Ramsay Professor Emeritus. He is a Fellow of the Royal Society of London and Member of the American Philosophical Society, and was recently awarded the Franklin-Lavoisier prize for his work in Raman microscopy. Professor Clark has been involved in the examination of some of Europe's best known artwork such as the Lindisfarne Gospels, Gutenberg Bibles, 'old masters' including Vermeer's Young woman seated at a virginal, rare postage stamps, old maps, artefacts from Samarra, China,etc., and in the detection of forgeries from Egypt, Spain and elsewhere.
The lecture will highlight studies leading to the effective identification of pigments on manuscripts, paintings, papyri, icons, ceramics and archaeological artefacts, leading to the establishment of artists' palettes at different periods and in different localities. These results, together with other related scientific ones at the Arts/Science interface, bear upon the restoration, conservation and dating of artefacts and the detection of forgeries. Rarely has an optical technique made such an impact on seemingly unrelated disciplines.
Time: 7.00pm
Date: Tuesday 29 March
Location:The Suter Theatre, 208 Bridge Street, Nelson
Book a FREE seat online at www.royalsociety.org.nz


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Let's talk about micro greens. Do you eat them? Do you grow them? To be perfectly honest, I had not had much experience with them before this spring. After planting my two gardens, I was still left with tons of seeds until I rememberd an article my Grandma sent me a few months back about using extra seeds to make micro greens. The process is simple and only takes between 7 and 14 days to grow. So while you are sitting around waiting for those tomato plants to produce fruit three months down the road, you could have already harvested six rounds of micro greens!
For this recipe, I used basil micro greens which complimented the strawberries wonderfully. It tasted like summer in every bite. I've found the basil micro greens to be the most flavorful so far but the swiss chard is the prettiest. With tiny strips of pink, yellow, and red…it's hard to resist not topping everything with them. If you are into the idea of making your own micro greens, check out Claire's post on it here or hop on over to Organic Gardening for their step by step tutorial.
Also, on the topic of new things, I was at the farmer's market earlier today and my friend mentioned how her boyfriend eats the strawberries with the stems on. I immediately asked if she had told me he wasn't supposed to do that and she laughed. She then went on to tell me that although it's not standard, it's in fact totally okay to eat the stems and that she has no right telling him not to do it. I didn't believe her. After much research (aka – hopping on my iPhone), I discovered that I was completely wrong. MIND BLOWN. AND…this was a game changer! I loved sliced strawberries but they are so much more beautiful whole. Hence the reason i kept them whole in this recipe…you can totally dig into the ENTIRE strawberry. BUT, if that is too weird for you (it's okay, I totally understand) then feel free to chop the strawberries into thin slices or chunks.
If you'd like to just make one regular pie size version instead of two miniature, just double the recipe below.


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Moderators: robofreak, Supreme Convoy, Cyber Bishop
Burn wrote:robofreak doesn't joke. He's all about the serious business of the internet.
ItIsHim wrote:My closet is filled to the brim with plastic children's toys. For myself
ESRB wrote: This is a puzzle adventure game in which players assume the role of Vincent, a man with relationship issues that are manifested in his dreams. The game transitions between animated cutscenes and puzzle stages (i.e., nightmares); in the nightmare world, players must help Vincent ascend crumbling towers by pushing, pulling, and climbing blocks to reach an exit. If players make the wrong move, they can be killed by spike traps and giant boss creatures (e.g., a demon bride, a chainsaw-wielding baby); death scenes are accompanied by exaggerated splashes of blood as Vincent is stabbed, crushed, shot, or bitten.
During one cutscene, a character is stabbed in the stomach with a knife; a large pool of blood quickly forms under her body. In order to move faster in the puzzles stages, players can order Vincent alcoholic beverages (e.g., mixed cocktails, beer, sake, whiskey); after three drinks, he begins to stumble around when moving. These sequences are accompanied by voice-over narration: "It's said that chugging alcohol isn't good for you, but sometimes it's necessary" and "[T]ake a big swig of cognac!" Throughout the game, sex and sexuality are frequently referenced, sometimes while two characters are in bed together (e.g., "I finally became a man! Got rid of my V-card, BOOM," "If the one you loved confessed to a sexual habit that you found absolutely unacceptable, what would you do?" and "After all you've done to my body . . . Night after night . . .").
One bedroom sequence pans across a man's legs, then to his curling toes; another scene briefly depicts a woman caressing her body while making suggestive comments (e.g., "I've got such a hunger for these feelings . . . I know you have some hungers as well, don't you?" ). The game also depicts the central character surrounded by topless female demons—though shadow effects obscure most details. The words "f**k" and "sh*t" can be heard in the dialogue.
Maynard James Keenan wrote:Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion.
Treetop Maximus wrote:I take it this is the kind of game you're going to get judged by your family for if you get caught playing it. By the way, why no love for the Wii?
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For those of you who haven't already seen it, some LA Mormon girls have made a hilarious and so far fake trailer for Jane Austen's Fight Club.
Now this is deeply satisfying; I don't deny it. Everyone wants to see proper young ladies kick ass. Time period is not important, but the more proper, the more ass they obviously have to kick. (See: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, obviously Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Kill Bill – does she count as proper? – and so on and so on.) I'm tempted, naturally, to make a list of other movies Jane Austen could be inserted into, for copyright-ambiguous fun and profit. The Matrix: Jane Austen Reloaded springs to mind.
What about Little Miss Sunshine Bennet? In this quirky romp, the Bennet family drives their falling-apart carriage from Hertfordshire all the way to London just so Mary can compete in a talent competition. Lydia isn't talking because she wants to join the military [wink wink nudge nudge], and Mr. Collins dies en route, the dirty old man. I think it should do well.
Or, in Eleanor and Marianne's Excellent Adventure, the two bodacious sisters set out on a time-traveling quest to find sweet rhyme and pure reason, which will save the future universe from annihilation by evil spamlords. Along the way, they pick up a fun set of characters, including Lady Gaga, Stephen Hawking, and Stephen Colbert, all of whom embarrass them immensely. Quite by accident, they do find true love and happiness. Barack Obama advises a gathering at Sir John Middleton's to be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!
All of this is very jolly, but I would just like to point something out here. Readers, has or has not Austenacious had a Jane Austen Fight Club column for almost a year now?! Are we owed royalties on this video? Our legal team better get busy!
In the meantime, perhaps our loyal readers could make trailers for our other columns. What Would Jane Do? is clearly a sickeningly sweet romance in which a cynical advice columnist is saved by a long-lost love (probably by falling down a hill). Jane Austen Hates You is probably an indie comedy, possibly about YouTube, MySpace, and all them there Social Networking Sites, hopefully starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel. Ask Mrs. Fitzpatrick sounds like an Agatha Christie to me, and Quote Unquote is clearly the new Bond movie.
Readers, are you game? What other movies mesh well with Austen novels? Or mesh so terribly badly they just have to go?
P.S. Jane Austen's Army of Darkness! Just saying. . .


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OXON HILL, Md.--Returning to a public stage for the first time since losing the presidential election, Mitt Romney called on Republicans Friday to put a powerful U.S. military at the top of their agenda.
The 2012 Republican nominee had a distrustful relationship with some conservatives during his presidential run, but he was warmly received by hundreds of activists at the Conservative Political Action Conference, the annual meeting of activists from that wing of the party.
Romney's call echoed his 2012 campaign promise to expand the Pentagon budget.
Romney advised anyone who would be president to "do whatever you can to keep America strong, to keep America prosperous and free and the most powerful nation on Earth." He added that "America's preeminent position is not guaranteed," mentioning China, Russia and "the jihadists" as forces that could surpass the United States this century.
Although he singled out his former running mate, Paul Ryan, for praise, Romney did not address the spending plan that the House Budget chairman released this week. It would devote $2 trillion less for defense over the next 10 years than Romney and Ryan proposed in the campaign.
Greeted by loud applause and cheers of "Mitt, Mitt," the former Massachusetts governor, who has said he is done with elective politics after two unsuccessful presidential runs, began by thanking the conservative crowd for its past support.
"Of course, I left the race disappointed that I didn't win," he said, adding that setbacks in the past had paved the way for future Republican victories. "It's up to us to make sure that we learn from our mistakes, and my mistakes."
Romney said he rejected the "fashionable" pessimism about the future of the conservative movement and the Republican Party.
"Like you, I believe a conservative vision can attract a majority of Americans," he said, acknowledging that, "as someone who just lost the last election," he is probably not the best source of advice on a way forward.
His 15-minute speech was largely thematic and sidestepped divisions within the GOP over efforts to broaden the party's appeal. In a nod to the isolationist sentiment that runs through much of the young, libertarian crowd, he leavened his praise for U.S. military interventions in Iraq and elsewhere by injecting the phrase "whatever you think of them."
Republicans would do well to look to its state governors for solutions to the nation's problems, Romney said. He singled out several, including Georgia's Nathan Deal, for promoting charter schools, and Michigan's Rick Snyder, who signed legislation designed to weaken the power of labor unions.
Romney has often sought out CPAC as a venue for important appearances, even though many of those attending the annual events remained suspicious of the depth of his conservatism. In 2008, he pulled out of the Republican primary campaign at a CPAC conference. Four years later, in another CPAC speech, he declared himself "severely conservative," a description that struck some as a ham-handed appeal to the ranks.
This time, he appeared to flub a date likely to go down as the most pivotal of his life, his defeat in the Nov. 6. election. "We may not have carried on Nov. 7, but we haven't lost the country we love and we haven't lost our way," Romney said.
Twitter: @paulwestdc


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Civil War Historians Reflect on Fredricksburg
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The Battle of Fredricksburg took place 150 years ago this month in Virginia. This deadly confrontation between Union forces and Confederate soldiers entrenched on a hillside resulted in the deathsof thousands of soldiers, and nearly destroyed the Union's "Irish Brigade." Dr. Glenn La Fantasie of the WKU Institute for Civil War Studies and Military Historian Dr. Jack Thacker of WKU say the Battle of Fredricksburg was marked by some questionable command decisions by Union General Ambrose Burnside.


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International B2B Technology PR Consultancy
+44(0)1932 578 firstname.lastname@example.com
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B2B Marketing Magazine, one of the core publications for our industry, has completed its latest Best Practice Guide, this time on Marketing to SMEs.
Read More
And so the inbound marketing train rolls on!
So let's say you run a social network. And let's assume your network is well-used by all segments of the population – old and young, male and female, digital native and digital immigrant and even both B2C and B2B brands.
Yesterday, I attended the PRMoment.com conference on PR Analytics – how to measure the impact of your public relations.
Last Friday was an interesting day...
How times change. If you look back over the past two years, debates have raged throughout the B2B marketing world over who 'owns' responsibility for SEO, and, particularly social media. Should it be held by a separate dedicated SEO agency? Or the web agency? Maybe the PR team?
Earlier this week, the world learnt of the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI. As the first Pope to step down from the role in 600 years, his imminent departure was met with shock. Pope Benedict has been seen as somewhat of a 'religious trend setter' in the world of Social Media, most notably being the first Pope to connect with the world via his own Twitter account.
In a recent advertorial feature in Marketing, two board directors at Weber Shandwick published an article stating that:
2013 will be the year when brands that don't follow their consumers get found out. Most will get found out in the digital and social space. No longer a distinct discipline, digital is a mindset and skillset that must permeate everything in the marketing arena. Everyone must adapt to social media and digital convergence, and probably throw out the customary marketing rule book in the process. Brands need to get this, and get it soon, or they are going to be in serious trouble.
What is it?
Basically, a Twitter-owned video sharing app (currently only available on iOS) that allows you to create six second video clips on your iPhone or iPad and distribute them via Twitter.
During my ritualistic Friday scan of PRWeek, I noticed Robert Phillips' article with a selection of warnings for the PR industry in 2013 – one warning in particular standing out from the rest.


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2010 SXSW Film Awards – 3.16.10
Despite being hosted by the hilarious Eugene Mirman, this might be the most boring gallery I ever post on here. It's a bunch of people you don't know standing at a podium. That being said, SXSW Film's theme is "Tomorrow Happens Here" and my guess is that a number of these people will be familiar faces in a few years.
One of those faces will hopefully be my friend Lena Dunham. Her film as I mentioned before won Best Narritive Feature. She also won the Chicken & The Egg award which honors the best emerging female director. I went with her to the after party so there are a few shots from that thrown in with the film awards photos.
You can check out the list of winners here and try to dedicate your life to figuring out who the hell is who. Most of these pictures are of presenters. My hatred of captioning is why I don't work for Getty or Wired and instead run a party blog, so you are going to just have to deal with it.
I just want to give a shout out to Travis Senger and his producer who made White Lines & The Fever: The Death Of DJ Junebug. I met those dudes during the music fest and they seem like good dudes. I haven't seen their film yet, but it's playing at Tribeca so hopefully I'll get a chance to see it.
And lastly, I didn't get a chance to see many of the films that won, but nearly every film I saw at SXSW I loved. Janet Pierson and her staff did an amazing job of curating this festival and any of the films who won awards are well worth tracking down… especially Tiny Furniture….


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brief presentation (since this is my first post in this forum)
I am new to sabayon (but have used Gentoo 4 or 5 yrs ago and Ubuntu recently.... moved away from Ubuntu for a number of reasons.... )
My problem/question is:
Is it possible to have sftp with tab-completion, history and readline as I am used to (without having to resort to a mixed entropy/portage environment, setting up specific USE flags for the sftp client and emerging it using portage ..... this should solve my problem, I think.... but would prefer a less aggressive solution, if possible) ?
I've searched through the forum and wiki but could not find anything on this topic (maybe I did not search hard enough...).
(I've changed the title in order to be more precise)... but still find no option other than using portage....


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A week after being sent home from Tehran empty-handed, U.N. nuclear inspectors have revealed that Iran has being installing new centrifuges at their main nuclear plant, a clear act of defiance ahead of an upcoming round of talks. The Internal Atomic Energy Agency's lead investigators went to Iran last week to try gain access to the country's largest nuclear facility, but were rebuffed at every turn. IAEA head Herman Nackaerts complained about the lack of cooperation from Iran's nuclear agency, specifically their refusal to let inspections see the Parchin military facility. His report on this latest visit reveals it's actually the Natanz plant that is being upgrade with 180 new centrifuge machines, which wouldgreatly increase Iran's ability to enrich uranium to a point where it can be weaponized.
Inspectors Find Major Iran Nuclear Move Ahead of Talks
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, second left being escorted by technicians during a tour of Tehran's research reactor center in northern Tehran, Iran. // Iranian President's Office/AP File Photo
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Sunday, May 12. 2013Adventure Rocketship!I love music. I'm a consumer not a creator, with eclectic tastes (as I write this I'm listening to an internet radio station devoted to electro-swing), but music matters to me, in every aspect of my life – including my fiction. So, I was pleased to be asked to play a small part in the initial issue of the new periodic chapbook Adventure Rocketship! which aims to close the gap between SFF and the music that has inspired, and been inspired by, the genre. The book mixes fact and fiction with essays on, amongst other things, Canadian rockers Rush, the much derided soundtrack to LadyHawke, and electronic music pioneer Delia Derbyshire along with new stories from both established names and up-and-coming writers. I have to confess confess that some of the essays went over my head, as my love of music is emotional and not intellectual; I am not a true muso. But others, like the interview with the crazy geniuses behind The Orb, had me nodding in agreement, or in the case of the aforementioned bio of Delia Derbyshire, smiling in delight. And Christopher Kirkley's vivid account of Africa's biggest MP3 marketplace was a disconcerting reality-check for someone who read far too much cyberpunk at an impressionable age. The fiction riffs (sorry) off music, and our responses to it. Some of it, like Liz Williams' 'Starmen' is only tangentially SF, but somehow feels spot on; Lavie Tidhar's 'Between the Notes' takes a classic idea and gives it a new, musical, twist while Tim Maughan brings us bang up to date in 'Flight Path Estate', a savvy story of fame, rebellion and flash parties. My own small part was to contribute a few hundred words on two albums I love which have an SFF connection. Anyone care to guess what they are? Or at least the bands in question? If I had copies of the book to give away I'd offer them as prizes, but as I only have the one – which I intend to hang onto – you'll have to be content with a traditional Marvel-patented 'no prize', and maybe go buy your own copy of Adventure Rocketship! Thursday, April 25. 2013One for the Gamers a review of MindjammerMindjammer is a book which shows its origins. The author is a gaming professional and, as someone who's dabbled in in Science Fiction RPGs myself, this comes through both in the book's structure and in the approach taken to telling the story. Rather than focusing on a single character, we're with a group, and whilst the group dynamic can be interesting, the frequent switches of viewpoint make it hard to engage emotionally with any one character, and hence with the book. Structurally, the author presents a series of scenarios, and it can be hard to keep track of where, why and what the overall aim is. Despite these negatives, there's good stuff in here. Newton paints a rich, deep and complex future, especially in the use of the Mindscape, a mental space shared by all humanity. The Mindscape changes the way the world works – as it should – although personally I'd like to have seen more made of how it changed people's relationships and day-to-day worldview. What the book does do well is to use science fiction to explore big questions: about consciousness, and what it is to be human, and where developments like the Mindscape might ultimately lead. In a rather odd counterpoint to its philosophical foundations, the style is consciously 'pulpy', which makes for excitement, although I never really felt the characters were in danger. I also found the pacing a bit irregular, possibly another result of its game origins. So: as a novel it has its flaws, but that doesn't stop Mindjammer being worth a read, especially for anyone familiar with SF gaming. It's a sophisticated extrapolation of current tech, with a thoughtful background and plenty of rollicking adventure. Thursday, April 11. 2013Parish NoticesA piece of bad news to start: the residential writing course on the second weekend in May, at which I was going to give a workshop, has unfortunately been cancelled. Something more positive: Readwave is a new site covering several genres. They don't pay up front for your stories, but you retain all rights, and if your story makes it into one of their anthologies they do pay royalties. They even have a widget to allow you to embed stories on your own site. Thursday, March 21. 2013EasterconI now have my schedule for Eight Squared: - Friday 5pm (Hawthorn (presumably a room, not a tree)) - Reading, a slot I'm sharing with Cory Doctorow. I'll let him decide who goes first, and probably read one of the stories from Downside Girls. - Saturday 7pm (in the Conservatory ... with the lead piping - sorry) - Genre Get-Together: Science Fiction. Will sign (most) stuff for beer. - Sunday 1pm (Main) – "Cityscapes: The great cities of fiction: Trantor, Cities in Flight, Ankh-Morpork. Who lives in them, how do they work, how do you write them?" With CE Murphy, Ian Whates and Walter Jon Williams. - Sunday 5pm (Rowan) – "Patrick Moore: People who knew or were inspired by Patrick Moore discuss his life and works." With Dev Agarwal, Stephen Baxter, Vince Docherty and including a talk by space artist Dave Hardy. - Sunday 6pm (Main) – "Near Earth Asteroids Say Bang: Last month saw a large asteroid pass closer to the Earth than the Moon, and a smaller one hit the ground in Russia. How long before we have a serious space accident? Is there anything we can do to stop it, or is it not politically important?" With Jen Delaney John Coxon and Sharon Reamer. - Sunday 9pm (Main) – "The SF in Games: How does science fiction work in a gaming environment (video, board or RPG)? Does the science and setting have to take second place to the rules? Are there games with SF good enough that it should be seen elsewhere too?" With John Dallman Dr Bob, Gareth Kavanaugh and Kin-Ming Looi. At other times I may be found hanging around the Dealer's Room with Hugo-award winning artist and quality reprobate Sue Mason, or more likely, in the bar. Thursday, March 14. 2013Downbelow StationFollowing on from my piece for the SFX Book Club on Mary Gentle's Golden Witchbreed recently, the UK's favorite genre 'zine asked me to pick another book, and I chose CJ Cherryh's Downbelow Station. This time I've even remembered to let people know in time to read the book and comment on the SFX website. A selection of comments will appear in the magazine itself, so if you read and comment, you may see your name in print. But you'll need to hurry, as the deadline is the 29th of March. Meanwhile, the estimable Mr Langford was kind enough to mention Queen of Nowhere in Thursday, March 7. 2013Book Review - Burn Bright by Marianne de PierresMarianne de Pierres is an underrated writer, especially outside her native Australia. Given I'm currently reading a lot of Young Adult SF (that being what I've been writing), when I got the chance to read an advance copy of her new YA novel, Burn Bright, I jumped at it. The book did not disappoint. It has all the classic elements to engage the younger reader (and older ones for that matter). The hero, Retra, was brought up in a religious and repressive culture. She flees this seeking her brother, whose own decision to run away has made her life even more difficult. She follows him to Ixion, a perpetual party island where young people treat having fun as not just a way of life but as a religious devotion. Here she meets a variety of interesting and sometimes startling characters, all deftly drawn, all with their own aims and agendas. Of course, things are not what they seem, and, despite her resolution, Retra is eventually sucked into this crazy and compelling world. As with the author's other work, it's the world itself that makes this novel stand out. Familiar enough to believe in, alien enough to shock you, Ixion is mysterious, rich and compelling. And it's just part of a bigger picture. As the novel progresses and Retra's own narrow views widen, we see, through other characters, glimpses of other lifestyles, other places, on what promises to be a fascinating world. My only complaint? It stops just when things are getting really interesting. Fortunately there is more, as this is the first in the Night Creatures series. I'll be looking out for Angel Arias, the next in the series. Tuesday, February 26. 2013SF Writers' WeekendAnother date for my diary (and possibly for yours) is the residential writing weekend being organised by Alex Davis up in the scenic Dove Valley in Derbyshire on the 10th to 12th of May. Lovely location and excellent value. I'll be giving a short workshop and doing a Q&A session on the Saturday. Thursday, February 7. 2013Stop PressI've just confirmed that I will be appearing at Nine Worlds Geekfest on the 10th and 11th of August. This looks like a great event, run by and for SFF fans and with something for everyone. And they're currently running a kickstarter project which lets early supporters get cheap tickets. In other and unrelated news, Tor are re-releasing the marvellous Saga of the Exiles, and they have asked several SF authors (myself included) why we loved these books. You can read all about that here. Sunday, February 3. 2013Future EngagementsIt's the time of year when, in this household at least, diaries, virtual and paper, are pored over and arrangements finalised. One result of this is that I can confirm my attendance at the following two events: Picocon, 16th and 17th February, Imperial College, London. On Saturday the 16th at 2.30pm I'll be appearing on the Guest of Honour panel (despite not being a guest of honour his year), along with Peter Hamilton, Steph Swainson, Richard Morgan and Kate Griffin. Eastercon, 29th March to 1st April, Bradford. Not sure what I'll be appearing on there (other than a barstool), so watch this space for details. Saturday, January 19. 2013Dark Suns, draftedI've finished the first draft of the novel of Dark Suns, the YA space mystery which I've been describing as 'Lord of the Flies meets Silent Running meets The Midwich Cuckoos'. Right now, I don't believe it lives up to those comparisons; in fact, I hate it. This is quite normal, and I've said it before about previous books at the end-of-first-draft stage, although I never thought, when I set out to write a YA novel, that it would be quite so hard. And it certainly lives up to the 'dark' part of the title.
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