text:
Short profile introducing the compelling, effective young actor Ansel Elgort, who, at 18, has just made his professional début starring in "Regrets," a new play by Matt Charman (at MTC). Elgort is a high school senior at New York's Laguardia High School for the Arts (the "Fame" school).
An archive of articles by Liesl Schillinger, published from 1991 to present, along with a scattering of unpublished essays. (200 down, 800 to go...)
March 28, 2012
Breaking Out: Ansel Elgort Goes from High School to Off-Broadway (Vogue.com, March 28, 2012)


text:
Heather Wakelee
Publication Details
A phase I dose-escalation study of aflibercept administered in combination with pemetrexed and cisplatin in patients with advanced solid tumours.
Br J Cancer. 2012; (4): 604-11
To evaluate the safety, pharmacokinetics (PKs), and pharmacodynamics of aflibercept, and to identify the recommended phase II dose (RP2D) of aflibercept in combination with pemetrexed and cisplatin.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
I want to make some warm chocolate to go with our raw gingerbread men.
Can't seem to find any recipes.... I know I have all the necessary ingredients... I just don't know method or proportions. any ideas?
What I THINK should be in it:
Cashew milk
cacao powder
pinch of salt
agave nectar (and stevia)


text:
We'll eschew normal operating procedure, because Mississippi State's 6-3 loss to LSU today – and losing the series – isn't as important as the postseason implications. Sure, MSU could have won the SEC Western Division had Ole Miss also beaten Arkansas – the Hogs won - but the Bulldogs are in the SEC Tournament either way. They'll be the No. 6 seed and play No. 3 seed Florida in the second game on Wednesday.
It's MSU's first trip to Hoover since 2007, when it also reached the College World Series. Coach John Cohen, in his third year at the helm, is excited about the bid but didn't want to back in. MSU officially qualified when Tennessee rallied in the ninth to beat Auburn earlier in the day; turns out the Arkansas win would've put State in anyway. An Ole Miss win plus an Auburn win would have left State out.
"I'm more disappointed for our kids than for anybody else, because outside of anything else that could happen as a result of other games, I wanted our kids to win this game," Cohen said. "They wanted to win this game. They wanted to go out and claim something for themselves and not have to rely or worry about other people."
MSU could have gotten a No. 2 seed if it had won and if Ole Miss had beaten Arkansas. It's been 27 years since State won the West, although it did win the SEC overall title in 1989, when there were no divisions.
Here is how the schedule looks for Wednesday's first round (seedings in parentheses):
• Game 1, 9:30 a.m.: (7) Alabama vs. (2) Arkansas
• Game 2, TBD: (6) MSU vs. (3) Florida
• Game 3, 4:30 p.m.: (8) Auburn vs. (1) South Carolina
• Game 4, TBD: (5) Georgia vs. (4) Vanderbilt
If you want the entire bracket, well, click on it over to the left there.
None of the current Bulldogs have played in any kind of postseason for MSU. So they've all looking forward to a new experience but won't be satisfied with just showing up.
"It doesn't matter really what seed you are, you've still got to be the best team to get to where you want to go, and that's how we're going to look at it," junior pitcher Caleb Reed said. "We're going to keep competing like we have all season, and hopefully things will roll for us, and we'll get to where we want to be."
• As for the game itself, LSU took a 3-0 lead in the third, chasing starter Chris Stratton (5-7) after the first two batters reached that inning. MSU clawed back within 3-2, and it was 4-3 when Reed gave up a two-run homer to Raph Rhymes in the eighth.
LSU starter Ryan Eades (4-1), a freshman, tossed 6 strong innings. He gave up three runs on seven hits, struck out two and walked one.
Nick Vickerson walloped a two-run homer in the fourth for MSU, and Cody Freeman had two hits.
Jarrod Parks was 1 of 3 and maintained his lead in the SEC batting title race. He's hitting .385; LSU's Mikie Mahtook is at .383.
Parks was ejected in the seventh inning after being called out on a bang-bang play at first base. The play ended the inning with the tying run at third, and Parks slung his helmet to draw the thumb.
"I specifically asked the umpire if he said any obscenities. He said, 'No.' The fact that he slammed his helmet makes him ejectable," said Cohen. "Jarrod Parks is competing his tail off, and there's so much at stake, you can't blame him for having a one-second eruption like that."
Reliever Caleb Reed tossed 7 innings of relief, the longest relief outing for an MSU pitcher this year and the longest outing of Reed's career. He allowed four runs (three earned) on nine hits, striking out six and walking four.


text:
RT flight wasnt cheap at 3675. Add in the taxi to and from the outskirts of the village, plus the rental mule, I'm looking at close to 3960. I declined to opt for the "guide"...wouldve run me another 200 but enough's enough.
The hotel isnt really a hotel as you and I know it. It's more of a dark hole in a mountain. Dirt cheap though. $24 a night.
Guy on the walkie talkie tried to talk me into the "Protection Package." i guess they have a welcoming party there to greet you at the hotel and then they stay with you until the end of the trip. Told him "no" because I like to travel alone and don't really enjoy being on a schedule while on vacation.
Guy told me it was -28 degrees yesterday. They on the celsius scale over there?


text:
A very good quality Motor Inn in Blenheim. The owners are fantastic and obliging hosts. The ground floor room we had for a two night stay was modern, well equiped and spotlessly clean. Road noise from trucks along Main Street early in the morning could be a small issue if your'e a light sleeper. The owners are aware of this... More
- Also Known As:
- Blenheim Spa Motor Lodge Marlborough, New Zealand
- Official Description (provided by the hotel):
- Expect a warm welcome from one of Blenheim's newest motels in the heart of Marlborough. The Blenheim Spa Motor Lodge, offering superb corporate and family accommodation just a few minutes walk from the town center, is the ideal base for visitors to Marlborough. It has a range of units to suit businesspeople, families or travelers, with Superking beds, and spa baths in most units. An excellent restaurant/bar is also located next door. ... more less
- Reservation Options:
- TripAdvisor is proud to partner with Hotels.com, Agoda, Booking.com, Expedia and Venere so you can book your Blenheim Spa Motor Lodge reservations with confidence. We help millions of travelers each month to find the perfect hotel for both vacation and business trips, always with the best discounts and special offers.


text:
Stamp Prices Increase: What You Need to Know for Your Next Trip to the Bethesda Post Office
First-class postal rates are going up for the second time in two years.
While the volume of first-class mail has dropped sharply, from an all-time high of 213 billion pieces in 2006 to only 168 billion in 2011, according to a New York Times story, the United States Post Service (USPS) is struggling, showing a loss of $36 million per day. The most prominent way for the USPS to recover revenue is to raise postage and mailing rates. Since 1885, when the price for the first ounce of a first-class letter was $0.02, rates have increased 24 times and will jump to $0.46 as of Sunday, January 27, 2013. According to a press release from the USPS, the price of a Forever Stamp - which allows a customer to send a one-ounce letter anywhere in the United States - will go up one penny to $0.46. Each additional ounce of a …
Bob B
11:10 am on Friday, January 25, 2013
Postal Rates go up every year, in the first quarter sometime. They have been doing so since 2006. The annual rate increases are at inflation or lower. Before 2006, postage increased every three years or so, but at a much higher rate. USPS changed it cycle in response to consumer demand that smaller even if more frequent increases are preferable and less disruptive.   more ›


text:
This week's BBC MELTDOWN: Savile puppet haunts kids' TV
The BBC has apologised for airing an episode of kiddies show The Tweenies featuring a puppet "impersonating Jimmy Savile". Outraged parents choked on their cornflakes on Sunday morning as the offending programme, filmed back in 2001, exposed wide-eyed nippers to "Max" - a character "in a blonde wig, wearing Savile's trademark …
Is this related to Panorama?
Caught something of it yesterday on BBC News. Seemed to be an investigation into the owners of The Telegraph which led to some fairly strongarm responses.
Time was when The Telegraph was serious if right-leaning paper: obviously against foreigners but appreciative of them especially if they could play cricket with excellent sports coverage. It now seems to have a bigger agenda than any of Murdoch's rags.
Who else is on the BBC's blacklist? Presumably any of the sherbet dippers and dope fiends: Frank Bough, Craig Charles, etc. (I'm afraid I'm not that familiar with the subject); adulterers (Brucey, well the list is probably endless…); petty criminals (Stephen Fry); wife-beaters (Geoffrey Boycott); blokes who have had sex with possibly underage women (all the bands since The Stones and most of the DJs of the 60s and 70s). We'll soon be back to the 1950s with the Light Programme featuring the charts from Chile and Percy Edwards bird impressions (I shit you not this was what was on offer in 1953, i.e. pre-satellite).
We need a catchy new slogan like: "do yourself a favour, stab a Tory today". Just waiting for that nice Mr Worstall to explain to us how this is not hysteria and all in our best interests.
Re: Is this related to Panorama?
'..We'll soon be back to the 1950s with the Light Programme featuring the charts from Chile and Percy Edwards '
Heh, what makes you think the '50's were so different and so innocent?.
Having had the (dubious) pleasure of knowing(non-biblical) a couple of people involved in TV/Radio from the 'Light Program' era, just be thankful that the 'class' of people that Auntie employed back them were a lot more discreet about their, umm, pecadillos. (Think: Happy Valley Set - but all over the South East).
Let's just say, as an example, the person behind the voice of a rather well known children's TV character from the 50's on has had a rather 'colourful' life, and was continuing to do so when I lost touch with these characters and their stories approximately a decade ago. (The East End adventures with the 'Princess Margaret Set', the drunk Comet pilot - it was the only way he'd fly the damn things, the nights spent drinking George Melly under the table, the orgies.. ye gods, when they got drunk, the stories they'd tell..their 'Light Program' image was an interesting 'nice' veneer).
A certain 'class' of 'media' people have always been amoral hedonists, Auntie was/is full of them, and, as the saying goes, like attracts like, but the beeb didn't have exclusivity apropos these characters.
To protect anyone's happy childhood memories , I also won't mention what I've been told people were getting up to using the Bungle costume at a party in London one weekend whilst Rainbow was still being filmed 'back in the day'.. (Ah feck it, screw your childhood, think: gfur..)
Re: Bungle costume at a party in London one weekend
That was ITV not BBC!
You should post what happened on one of those "furry fursuit sex websites" that I have heard of that a friend told me about.
This is just the beginning
Several other Beebheads are in the sights of the Saville cops. Are they going to be expunged from history as well? And what happened to Hughie Green and Jess Yates when their peccadilloes (not to mention other bits) were exposed?
BBC lefites
Privatise the BBC - it's just a Labour party propaganda machine, so clueless that it makes a puppet of this tw*t on a kids tv show.
Re: BBC lefites
come on the other channels aren't much better. Remember the Channel 4 show Kiddie Stare?
Re: BBC lefites
Spectacular non-sequitur - congratulations!
Re: BBC lefites
Also you may like to know that "the BBC" doesn't produce all its programs in house. The Tweenies was produced by Tell-Tale Productions now owned by Entertainment Rights which five seconds of Googling/Binging/DuckDuckGoing could tell you.
So you'll have to take up with Iain Lauchlan and Will Brenton whether they had a secret agenda to push with a Jimmy Saville Tweenied puppet.
Re: BBC lefites
The BBC may outsource production, but the producers will aim to please their socialist customer.
That the BBC is left wing is incontrovertible. Have you ever heard them say anything bad about the EU? Or anything bad about Labour and the Unions for that matter? Compare that to their sniffy attitudes to the tories or the UKIP party.
I've not watched TV for ten years but I read the media so have a fairly good impression of their bias from reliable sources, who question why tax payers money is going towards a pro-labour propaganda machine.
Re: BBC lefites
Privatise the BBC - it's just a Labour party propaganda machine, so clueless that it makes a puppet of this tw*t on a kids tv show.
They used a puppet resembling a well respected entertainer with a strong track record for charitable works, the programme was made ten years ago.
Have you ever heard them say anything bad about the EU? Or anything bad about Labour and the Unions for that matter?
Yes; many times.
...I've not watched TV for ten years but I read the media so have a fairly good impression of their bias from reliable sources,...
So unlike most people you don't tend to favour media that tends towards your own political leanings?
If you've not watched it for ten years why get so upset about it? I hope you don't listen to any if their radio output too. (I'm assuming you don't pay the licence fee after all).
Re: BBC lefites
Is that "reliable sources" such as the The Telegraph?
Re: BBC lefites
Awesome posting! "not watched TV for ten years". That is priceless stuff! You're not selling satellite tv are you?
Re: BBC lefites
Oh fuck off, Eadon! Seeing as you're constantly spouting (ill-informed) evangelism of Free Software what do you think it makes you?
Re: BBC lefites
"The BBC may outsource production, but the producers will aim to please their socialist customer."
I would *love* to hear the Marxist doctrine behind The Tweenies.
isn't it something to do with the licence fee that means if only one person is offended the BBC has to say sorry ?
Parid cos she hasn't apologised for everything she has ever done
I hate hypocrites
The kiddies watching the tweenies would not have a clue what all the fuss daddy was making was about.
Too many "think of the children" around.
Shame they don't take that stance when it comes to protecting them from drunken and violent daddies.
Re: I hate hypocrites
but to be fair, they don't do domestic violence parodies on the tweenies.
Just a reminder
The people complaining weren't offended - they were people who thought that other people might be offended, and that something must be done to redress the potential offense. Sort of a defense, if you will. Pass me the strong drugs, please.
Link Warning!
You might be offended!
Outraged public
Working as a telecoms Engineer for a major international media corp and working a lot with their switchboard - Yes, I can confirm there are large (2 walls floor to ceiling white board large) numbers of nuts with nothing better to do that go looking for something to be outraged about then calling the papers.
They call it the nut wall here and it's a list of known nuisance nuts who get offended by the sun rising in the morning and feel it should be a page 1 headline denouncing that sort of thing.
Don't wear your seat belt!
That would be an obvious reference to Jimmy Savile's "Clunk-Click" campaign.
And as for travelling by train ... well sadly we don't have Inter-City any more so it's OK.
Re: Don't wear your seat belt!
Now BBC 3 and 4 are going to have to stop showing the programmes about the Inter-City modernisation in the 1970s which includes lots of Savile and the advertising campaign.
Whatever are all these digital channels going to show now that their stocks of old programmes and series are being contaminated by the unwanted?
that's an own goal
LOL. surely they knew it might touch a few nerves.
Maybe next time they can have a character called Mr Rapiscan or something.
But yet....
I actually know a parent who complained about this to me later that evening... His seven year old was sat playing Grand Theft Auto at the time... Which is worse?
sat playing Grand Theft Auto
That's terrible! Grand Theft Auto is such an old and shit game - I think he should upgrade to one of the more recent ones with 3D graphics!
Personally I'm amazed by all the people who seem to be saying that no-one had ever heard of paedophilia or whatever in the 70s... I mean, excuse me. I still remember the suprise we 15 year old boys at my school felt when we were informed that the teacher who we felt was, shall we say, excessively tactile, was getting married... And about three years later at college I remember a comedy sketch at a college concert which featured a choirmaster and a scout master sodomising their charges... Of course we knew this stuff went on.
And in those days when one hitchiked everywhere we always stayed on the alert for drivers who might want more than a bit of company on the road...
Time for the BBC to get some balls
What idiot got offended, can you stick your hand up ?
Cultural value?
I like my Retrogames.
I don't care if some of them might offend some people, if they have Michael Jackson* prancing around rescuing llttle boys, the Twin Towers being blown to smithereens or anything else potentially 'offensive'. They're a part of our heritage and changing anything about them would be wrong.
I'm not for one second going to say Tweenies has any value at all on the same level, but it's not as if it's some horrific footage of Jimmy Saville abusing anybody.
If the BBC are out to cut, re-edit or erase from history each and every reference to the man isn't that more likely to do greater damage than is solves, culling entire episodes from libraries, trying to rewrite history? Isn't that what we need protections against, not some 'offensive' scene.
* I am aware that he wasn't convinced of anything, but people had serious doubts at one point.
keep him off air
Generally speaking, I think the outrage about paedophillia says more about the complainer than it does about the victim or the offender -- but that doesn't mean I want to see old images of an alleged offender poncing about on the box.
What's next?
Claiming that Fizz looks too much like Muffy Crosswire from Arthur, except with the wrong color palette, once you have a few hits of illicit/pharmacutical drugs? (yes, it's true. I actually once thought Fizz looked a lot like Muffy after taking a little too many puffs of my asthma inhaler in quick succession).
This world needs to get ahold of itself. Times change. Tweenies was created back when that Savile guy (which I've never heard of) still wasn't fingered as a nonce.
Until I read the Daily Mail...
...I thought that the 'Saville Row' was where clothes were made.
I once wwnt into WHSmiths...
...and bought a copy of the Daily Mail and a copy of Viz.
I was a bit embarrassed to be seen with such a childish rag, so I hid it inside the copy of Viz.
Perhaps the Saville estate would like to take the police to court for defamation. nothing has been proven and it seems as if the police have decided on a verdict without the benefit of a trial. Too tall terror photographer anyone.
Re: Saville
After Hillsborough et all I'm inclined to believe that Saville may be being stitched up.
Though the evidence seems to suggest he needed a bit of carving.


text:
Friday, March 22, 2013 at 12:30 PM
Have a wonderful weekend.
A song to kick off your weekend.
How quickly can you type? This is addictive.
Wow, this caramel cake is not kidding around.
Clever entertaining tip.
Now THIS is a tiny apartment.
Beachy nail colors.
Why James Bond needs to wear condoms. Sidenote: WHY ALL THE UNPROTECTED SEX ON HBO'S GIRLS?! It makes me crazy.
London vs. NYC.
What an amazing family vacation to the Philippines.
The sweetest sweetest book.
5 pieces of advice from a mother.
And for hungry New Yorkers: A sandwich a day.
Have a good one. xoxo
(Photo of Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald, via Snippet & Ink)
58 comments:
I am spending part of my weekend preparing for the snowstorm we're supposedly getting Sunday night and Monday (hoping for at least one snow day this year...this might be it). The rest of the time, it'll be the usual laundry, painting my nails, and eating the rest of the cookies I baked last night!
Hope you guys have a blast on your trip, and that Toby has a great weekend staycation too!
Heather P.It's a sad truth, but unprotected sex is more or less the norm. I'm in my mid-twenties and as a dangerous as it is, I know that having protected sex is rarity to the majority of people I know. I've been in a relationship for the past 5 years, but all of my friends are single and I hear A LOT of hook up stories and not many of them involve protected sex, mostly because these are drunken escapades that happen unplanned. I'm sure asking for a condom is something that is requested, but if the guy doesn't have one on him, it's not likely to stop them from hooking up. Not to mention, I don't know any girl that actually carries condoms with her. So the fact that Girls is showing a lot of unprotected sex makes me believe that I'm not the only one with somewhat slutty/drunken/irresponsible friends.
ReplyDeleteHBO Girls makes me crazy in general. One of my friends said it was just for the viewer who looks for a story line with their porn. I want to watch the show so badly to enjoy Lena's writing, but I just cannot get over the amount of graphic sex. I feel like it's a cheap ploy to get viewers. Her writing could stand on it's own without all of the imagery!
ReplyDeleteRepliesDefinitely not a cheap ploy to get viewers, and definitely not porn with a story line. The genius of Lena's writing is her realism, and awkward sex in your twenties is realistic. I agree that there should be more protected sex on it (though unfortunately, the lack of it is probably realistic in a lot of cases), but the "graphic sex" itself seems called for. If you are offended by sexual imagery even when there is an artistic or intellectual reason behind it, thats a shame because you'll miss out on a lot of great art, not just speaking of the show. I'm not sure if you've seen the show or were just speaking for your friend, but if you haven't given it a try, I highly recommend starting from the beginning! If you understand what Lena is doing, I think you'll find the "graphic sex" is not gratuitous but an important aspect in the study of the age group.
I still haven't watched girls, but that's definitely frustrating. Are people seriously having unprotected hook ups? I can only think of maybe two occasions in my early twenties (and pre-marriage) that I was that dumb during a random hook up. I had loads of friends who weren't as on top of getting tested regularly and such as they should have been but I feel like most of my friends were also good about that. Maybe it's part of being born in the early 80s and having AIDS terror drilled into our heads?
I read something once, I wish I could remember where, about how the free love generation was the first to have birth control pills so people didn't have to worry about getting pregnant anymore. And that following that, our generation (late 70s/early 80s) was the first generation taught that sex kills. It was a really interesting essay and I wish I could remember where I read it.Great article, Lucy- thanks for sharing! I just got almost caught up in Girls and agree with Marie A. & nectar about sex and people our age. Sometimes, it's just easier, less awkward, or whatever not to use a condom. It's not the wisest choice, just like smoking or doing whippets in a moving car aren't the best choices. That's not the point of the show. So if you aren't watching it, or it doesn't relate to you, I wouldn't worry about it. I think it's brilliant- it's the Sex & the City for a new crowd. Jo, what do you think of GIRLS?
ReplyDeleteIn the movie The Garcia Girls Summer, America Ferrera and her love interest use a condom when they finally have sex. It was sweet and well done and didn't even seem clumsy.
She had it in her colorful purse. It looked very boss of her.
The guy looked relieved and happy and excited all at once.Thanks for sharing this interesting and educative information. I think many writers will find your contribution very helpful, I have equally learnt something from it.
Accounts Software For Small Business


text:
All purpose flour ............................... 1 cup
Water ........................................... 1/2 cup
Corn flour ....................................... 2 tbsp
For syrup -
Water ............................................ 2 cup
Saffron ........................................... 4 - 5 strands
Green cardamom powder ..................... 1/8 tsp
Rose essence ....................................... few drops (optional)
Lemon juice ..................................... 1/2 tsp
Green cardamom powder ..................... 1/8 tsp
1. To make the rabri, mix all ingredients except nuts in a large microwave safe bowl and cook uncovered on high for 7 - 9 minutes stirring every two minutes. Add in the nuts and refrigerate to chill.
- The fermentation of the batter is extremely important. It helps with the crispy texture and the jalebi's ability to absorb the syrup. So it needs to be fermented till it gets a little sour smell
- Depending on where you kept it in the house, air-conditioning, weather etc, you may need to keep it much longer, maybe ever as long as 24 hours
- If you still do not get fermentation, you can keep it in the oven (without turning it on) as I have indicated already in my post.
- If you still have issues with the fermentation, you can add a quarter teaspoon of yeast and leave the batter for a half hour
4. Jalebi and rabri are basically two separate dishes and can be had independent of each other.


text:
Judge Dredd Urban Warfare
You will lead them in brawls & rumbles with the rival gangs of other players in an attempt to win turf, fame & hard cash. Each gang member is represented by one miniature on the table, customised & painted by yourself. As you play more and more games, your gang will become more powerful, recruiting new members, hiring specialists & buying superior weapons & equipment on the black market. The goal of each player in this game is to defeat the gangs of his opponents, through a mixture of skill & raw luck, building up his own gang in the process.


text:
The Myth Of Urgency
I'm glad you stopped by The Waiting Room today because we are going to chat about a topic that can give you some amazing freedom to relax during conflict! Fix a cup of your favorite warm beverage and join me for a few quiet moments during a busy day.
If you have read many of my posts, you will find that I am a student of the concept of differentiation. Differentiation can be described as an ability to control or minimize over-reactivity in the presence of real or perceived relational closeness or distancing. (See other posts to describe differentiation more fully here and here). It is not so much a difficult idea to grasp as much as it is a difficult idea to put into practice in life and relationships!
The big deal here is that if one is to be differentiated, they must be able to control their reactivity long enough to catch themselves from taking the bait of over-reacting. Wow, I cannot tell you how difficult that is. Invariably, in order to do so with any kind of success, you must have a very good understanding of your particular set of wounds, and a good deal of healing and grieving under your belt as well, because your partner is so adept at finding your buttons and pushing them quite vigorously!
So say something happens that makes you very angry. My last post discussed how Anger = Ouch. It's pretty safe to say that when most folks feel angry or ouch, they have an almost reflex-like reaction to protect and/or counter-attack. Makes sense, right? Our dear old lizard brain survivalist mode kicks into effect and LOOK OUT! Fight or flight is pretty automatic. If we're used to fighting about the same thing over and over for years, we may be able to control a raging outburst, but the temper and the pain and the resentment still stews inside.
What I am going to suggest today is going to give you and me a bit of permission to pause. Yep. I'm talking about stopping that whole fight or flight mess that gets us into SO much trouble, and giving ourselves some time to think and reflect before reacting. Sound easy? Perhaps not. What would it be like for you to be able to stop just before an argument starts, and keep it from turning into a bloodbath? Ooo. That is worth the price of admission right there, isn't it?
So here's what it looks like. Your partner says something that ticks you off. Now, immediately there is a choice to make. Do I go with the lizard and fight back? Or perhaps run away and retreat? Maybe you're battle savvy with your particular lunkheaded partner, you've got some walls and some scars already from fighting them, and you simply give a laser-like glare and let some good-sized resentment build. Stop. Intervene with yourself and your thoughts right here. There is a myth being believed right in this moment that is going to leave you completely unsatisfied with the outcome of this fight, whatever it is. This is the myth of urgency.
It is actually not urgent that you defend yourself right that moment. It is not crucial that you crush the other person right then, or run away immediately. You can be just fine in that moment without doing either one. Let that one soak in for a second. I can be just fine in this moment without reacting immediately. The ability to hold still in this moment will allow you to react with thoughtfulness, calmness, and after thinking first!
Can you see how much better your reaction will always be if you really think before reacting? You can also take that time to take stock of and honor your own feelings. Your response can be planned and on your own terms, instead of your partners terms and under the influence of your wounds. You can actually take a moment in that time as well to consider the other persons true intentions (which, by the way, are almost never about wanting to hurt you), and also remember their wounds and care for their feelings. Beautiful.
I cannot tell you how many millions of times I have fallen into the trap of the myth of urgency. I would have to admit that I tend to be a bit on the stubborn side sometimes when needing to learn difficult lessons. I have finally figured out, though, that I do not have to react in that very moment. It does not mean I've given up my right to discuss it later or choose a course of action later. It does mean I am claiming my right to get ahold of my reactivity before engaging with my partner, and this can only mean a cleaner and clearer picture of the situation and a less volatile encounter.
So I'm not suggesting that this is easy or that anyone can do it without practice. I'm only saying that it is possible, and the skill is beyond worth learning. Remember that freedom I was talking about? It comes from humbly seeking to heal ourselves and get a handle on our reactivity. I'm going to make a pretty bold statement here: Differentiation is the cure for anxiety. It allows us to relax from the pull of over-reactivity.
Pre-requisites for learning this skill are some teachability, some motivation, trust, and most of all…humility. We can start from the beginning or wherever you are on your journey, just bring an open heart. Come on in, let's get to work.
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
Topics: anxiety, family systems theory, making changes, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Anger = "Ouch"
It's probably no surprise that the number one reason people give for picking up the phone and calling for a therapy appointment is "We just can't communicate." Even if the reason is something else: infidelity, addiction, anxiety, or relationship issues with friends and family, most folks will trace the problem back and identify it as beginning with a lack of communication. That's exactly the topic I want to address today.
I have come to find that pretty much everyone that walks into our office is actually quite eloquent in communicating. Go figure! They are able to state how they feel or what they think with relative ease most of the time. So why then these overwhelming reports of people who lack this ability? I think the problem is less about the ability, or lack thereof, in communicating and more a problem of listening non-reactively and translating.
We are all the walking wounded. We were hurt, and didn't get enough love, affection, attention, and/or gentle nurturing as kids. Little kids are voraciously needy creatures, and no two parents can give enough, and perfectly, to allow their kids to emerge into adulthood unscathed. Just doesn't happen. It's not about bad-mouthing parents. We all do the best we can with what we've got, and parents are walking wounded from their own childhoods. Everyone gets wounded. So since we are wounded, we all have ouchies in our hearts that get poked from time to time, and we will invariably choose to be in a relationship with someone who is uniquely suited to hurt us and NOT meet our needs. That's the law of attraction, backwards as it is. So we live with those who hurt us most. When something hurts, we react. Anger. We have to protect ourselves. That's not so hard to understand.
Not so surprisingly then, we think that people mean exactly what they say when they're angry. Not so much. We actually want our partners, friends, and family to read between the lines and know how we feel underneath our words. The angry teenager inside us that comes out to protect our wounds says mean and hurtful things to get the other person to back away from our wounds. We all do it, until we learn that we are doing it, and then we get better but STILL do it sometimes. It OK, no shame in admitting it. We speak out of defensiveness, and then wonder why our loved ones can't hear the real problem and understand how we feel. "He just doesn't listen." "She can't hear me." Nevermind that when we speak in this defensive way, we are hurting the other person in THEIR worst wound, causing their defensiveness to be stirred. Now we're doing our dance of anger.
I want to suggest an alternative course of action, a different translation if you will, when you hear your partner become angry or defensive. What if you began to learn to hear what they are really saying underneath? When your partner gets angry, what if you translate that in your head to "My partner is saying 'ouch'." Isn't that what they are really saying? Look at it closely. For example, Mary angrily says, "Bob, you didn't pick up your socks for the 26th day in a row!" What she is really saying is, "I feel like you you don't appreciate the hard work I do to keep the house clean." What her anger is really saying is "Ouch, I am not appreciated!!!" Instead of hearing "ouch" and responding with compassion to the real hurt feeling underneath the anger, Bob hears, "You are a bad spouse and you forget all of my needs, you piece of crap!" Ouch!!! Now Bob responds with defense of his own…and says, "I work outside the home all day, and picking up socks is your job!" Bob is backing Mary off from his wound, and counter-attacking Mary with "You're a bad wife because you don't appreciate all of the things I do to contribute and only focus on my short-comings." Ouch!!! And so the anger dance is underway.
What would happen if one or the other, or both of them, could hear their partner saying "ouch" instead of an attack? Softness, vulnerability, and humility would begin to grow along with learning and growing to be a safer partner in a relationship. Hmm. That sounds pretty good, right? So why don't people do it? First and foremost, pride. Pretty straightforward and simple. If I admit that you are saying ouch, then I have to admit I've done something wrong, and then, even worse, change. Change is hard. Having the humility to admit you've hurt someone is even harder, as is taking responsibility for one's actions. I also have to put my feelings and wounds aside while we concentrate on yours. We also fear, "when will I get heard?"
See all of the things that have to be dealt with before one of you can stop the dance of anger before it really gets going? See how easy it is to blame the whole thing on "We can't communicate!" instead of working on yourself? There is nothing simple or straightforward about dealing with this pride, and ultimately overcoming it. Getting to a place where you can hear what the person is actually saying instead of the surface conflict of the moment takes practice and a willingness to face your own fears, heal some of your own wounds, and get your over-reactivity under control. Not easy. It is worth it though, and it will permeate every relationship you have when you get there. Think about pointing the finger at the mug in the mirror instead of your partner. I need to learn to listen better and react less. I need to be safer for my partner. I need to learn where my partner is wounded so I can understand their pain. You are the only one you can control anyway.
That's what I have today. If you need help translating or understanding yourself, healing yourself, or getting a handle on your reactivity, haul your own carcass into a great therapist's office. Do it for you and no one else. Thanks for reading!
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2013, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: cut-off, fear, forgiveness, making changes, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Confident Humility
Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? How can confidence and humility live together in the same phrase? That is exactly what I want to discuss today. Make yourself a cup of your favorite beverage and let's tackle this unusual, seemingly oppositional idea.
I want to start by breaking this down into two halves. Let's start with "Confident". What does it mean to have confidence? I think we can begin by describing the difference between confidence and arrogance. There is a huge difference, although many folks use these terms interchangeably. To me, confidence doesn't have anything at all to do with being arrogant. Arrogance is ego. Arrogance is the attitude that "I'm all that and a bag of chips, and my you-know-what doesn't stink." Confidence is believing in yourself and your abilities, but more importantly, in your worthiness to be loved. Arrogance and ego cannot exist in the presence of humility. Confidence can. Arrogance is about pride, and humility is the opposite of pride. Confidence is a belief that I can be the recipient of grace. I can attain the radical acceptance of my worthiness of being loved not because of what I've done, but because I am.
What if we explain "worthiness of being loved" like this: think about a baby who has just been born. Are they perfectly lovable? Yes. Why? They haven't done anything good or bad. They just are. They are lovable because they are…they haven't earned love or worthiness. Yet we love them so very much. The fact that we are worthy of love does not change with our age or falterings. We are still completely lovable because we are. We can have confidence in this fact. I have come to find, and I know this feeling personally, that people who have grown up with shame have a deep belief that they are not good enough. When did we start to believe this lie? Usually when we're kids and we, quite arrogantly, take absolutely everything personally. Then we take that belief into adulthood. But is that really true…are we really not good enough to be loved? We are not perfect, that is true. I would like to suggest that we can be both imperfect and perfectly lovable simultaneously. This is the heart of Confident Humility.
Having the confidence that we are worthy of being loved will sometimes feel like arrogance, but it is not if your heart is in the right place. It is believing a truth about ourselves as a human being. If you have spent your life as a "shame-ite" as I lovingly refer to them, (and myself, too!), you have spent your life having forgotten the truth that you are lovable simply because you are. THAT is actually arrogant. Shame is arrogant. It insinuates a self-importance that is prideful. Confidence that you are lovable, not because of anything you have done, is receiving grace. You cannot earn grace, then it is no longer grace by definition. Now, here comes the biggie…when you have the confidence that you are lovable because you are, and you have it all by yourself, you do not need it from anyone else. You don't have to trade to get it from anyone. You don't need anyone to tell you that you are good enough. You don't have to earn acceptance from anyone. When you can do this, you become relationally safe. Non-manipulative. No trades. No codependency. No over-neediness. You can let others be and do exactly what they choose without trying to change or manipulate them into giving you acceptance. You give it to yourself by believing the truth of your lovability.
Now let's move onto the "Humility" piece. Now that I know that I am completely lovable because I just am, as a human being, how do I not only protect from having that grow into ego, pride, and arrogance, but also simultaneously acknowledge the fact that I am not perfect? Humility. Here's what it looks like when you put it all together: "I know that I am lovable for no other reason than I am, but I acknowledge that I am SO not perfect, and I WILL hurt the people I love. It is inevitable. I cannot be perfect. When I hurt you, I want you to tell me, because you will be helping me grow in the places where I am weakest, you are teaching me to be careful with your feelings, you are connecting with me by telling me what it is like to be you, and I want all of those things. I never want to hurt you, so when I do, tell me so I can learn, grow, and change." This takes a tremendous amount of courage, because we have to admit our shadow side and our shortcomings to hear someone say "ouch" to us.
Humility must be balanced as well, same as confidence. I do not want to become a feather at the mercy of the wind, or a boat at the mercy of pounding waves. I am not going to blindly accept every criticism of me that I hear as the gospel truth, either. I am going to run it through my own truth about myself, and see if I can find truth in your point of view. If I can look at myself humbly and see that you have a good point, I am going to integrate your feedback. If you tell me something that is just not a part of how I see myself, I can still acknowledge your opinion as valid, even if I don't agree. You can still have a different opinion of me, and we may have to agree to disagree about things sometimes, but I can always connect with you and accept your truth for what it is…your truth. I can be sensitive to that, and understand you without having to believe and change everything about me to be who you think I should be. This is where it is so very important to "temet nosce" or "know thyself."
So, to wrap this up, there is a balance to be had here. Confidence that I am completely lovable for no reason other than I am a human being. Humility to know that I am not perfect and never will be, and I will hurt the ones I am closest to from time to time. When I do, I can apologize and grow, instead of becoming wounded that they do not see me as good enough. I already know I am. My confidence gives me the strength to be humble. Isn't that something? It also makes me safe for others to be exactly who they are and not who I need them to be to feel OK. Working on this in yourself will send ripples of change through every relationship you have, and draw others toward you.
That's what I have for you today. I wish you the confidence to know that you are loved, and the humility to realize you can be hurtful, and they both occur at the same time. A difficult concept to grasp, let alone integrate. Wow, is it worth the effort, though. You and your relationships will never be the same because of it.
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2013, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: boundaries, codependency, counterdependency, grace, inner voice, respect, self-care, shame, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Differentiation 205
Welcome to The Waiting Room today! It is a BEAUTIFUL fall morning, and I have just made myself a cup of Wild Mountain Blueberry coffee. Yummy! Curl up on your favorite comfy chair and join me for a short siesta. Once again, today we are working on differentiation.
So I have posted before about this crazy differentiation word. I will likely post about it again in the future as well. You see, this notion of differentiation really IS "where it's at." If you can work toward incorporating this concept, this way of thinking and relating, into your life…you will absolutely have not only greater peace inside your mind, but ALL of your interpersonal relationships will not be able to be anything but more healthy, balanced, fulfilling, safe, calm, close, loving….these wonderful words and many more.
To recap then, what is differentiation? The simplest description of it I can come up with is this: "knowing who you really are, and having the ability to control your anxiety, (remaining non-reactive), to real or perceived fluctuations between emotional and relational closeness and distancing of others." OK, one more time in English… "to not freak out when you think someone is cutting off or pulling away from you, or trying to get too close or intimate." For example, you all know "commitment-phobes"…they have anxiety over someone getting too close. What about the person who chases after the commitment-phobe? They have fears about being alone. How about a little less obvious…What about a husband that avoids/hates deep, connected, or intimate conversations? What about a wife who is lonely? This is all anxiety about closeness and distance. We ALL have this going on inside of us to some extent.
I am here to tell you…controlling this anxiety inside is SOOO not an easy thing to pull off! Not even kidding. Sakes! It first takes an awareness of what it is and when you're doing it, no small feat, and then you have to be able to act counter-intuitively to how you have always acted while protecting yourself from emotional wounding. It is un-learning your learned defensiveness and facing your worst fears head-on. You literally have to overcome the natural protective instincts of the most powerful part of your brain, sometimes referred to as your "Lizard Brain" or "Reptilian Brain", which I have blogged about before. Beware The Timeless Lizard
Let's work a little deeper on this today, and move toward a better understanding of what differentiation looks like. I attended a training given by our resident expert on differentiation, Jerry Wise. He gave us a sheet that describes the 5 characteristics of self-differentiation that I wanted to share with you. Here they are:
- "A Sense of My Own Limits, And The Limits of Others. A clear understanding of where I end and someone else begins; respect for the right of others to be the way they are, but refusing to allow others to intrude upon one's own rights; defined from within, rather than adapting to please others.
- Clarity About What I Believe. What would I die for, and what's not worth it? Of what am I certain, and of what am I not so certain?
- Courage To Take Stands. Defining where I stand and what I believe, in the face of disapproval; refusing to give in to another when it is a matter of principle; capacity to stand firm in the face of strong reactions. (ex. "You can't think, act, feel that way and be a part of this family!")
- The Ability To Stay On Course. Resolve to follow through toward a vision in spite of sabotage; emotional and spiritual stamina to stick with a lofty goal and not let others' reactions change your course.
- Staying Connected In Spite Of It All. Maintaining a relatively non-reactive give-and-take with those who are reacting to you, (easier said than done!); resisting the impulse to attack or cut-off from those who are most reactive to you.
The first three have to do with self-definition. The last two have to do with self-regulation. BOTH are necessary for a healthy relationship. Definition of Self is a life-long process, in which we can only take small steps at any one time. The essential capacity one must develop is that of self-regulation (taking responsibility for the management of one's own anxiety and reactivity.)" (Leave me a message if you want to know the source of this, and I will see if Jerry has it.)
Nowadays, most of the time I can call myself out when I am under the influence of my issues/wounds by admitting, "That was clearly not my most differentiated moment." Yep! It takes a long time to get the hang of it, and then ya still slip sometimes. While I have been working on this change in me for about 6 years now, and have a lot of really good successes, I still have my moments. Oh boy, do I have my moments.
"So, then," you ask, "why bother? This sounds like a slow, arduous process." Yes it is, but the more I study and learn, the more I know that self-differentiation is the completely worthy goal and it is so incredibly powerful when it comes to inner and relational peace. It's lifelong, and difficult, and it's not about "how-to lists"; but rather about hearing and learning from experiences and insights, followed by a readiness to grow and change. Even small changes can make a huge difference in relationships and in your mind. Changing your life's focus and paradigm to a goal of continued differentiation will alter, for the better, both how you feel inside and how you interact and love everyone.
Thanks for reading, and have a differentiated day!
Written by Nancy Eisenman, MSW student
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2012, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: abandonment, anxiety, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, goals, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Chameleons are probably not a subject you would ever think I would blog about, right? No, I'm not taking a turn for veterinary science or lizardology. I mean, what is a therapist wannabe gonna say about chameleons or anything else in the wild kingdom? Today we are going to discuss a type of personality that has been termed "chameleon."
Chameleons are lizards that blend in and adapt to their surroundings so as not to be readily seen. Do you know any people who seem to exhibit this kind of relating to others? Have you ever met anyone who could adapt to any situation and seemingly thrive in any setting? Maybe the chameleon is with someone who likes to be the center of attention at a party. They come out of their shell and become more outgoing to match the other person. Perhaps they are in a setting with a very somber group. They become quiet and subdued. Maybe in another setting the chameleon will act very religious or chaste, while the next moment becoming vulgar or mean.
Why do chameleons blend into their surroundings in nature? It is a defense mechanism. It's no different in the case of the chameleon personality. An intense fear of abandonment or shame for example can cause people to adapt to whatever situation presents itself in order to preserve perceived connections with others. The chameleon doesn't have a strong sense of self. They borrow the "self" or personality of others to gain attention and acceptance.
This is actually a lonely and anxiety-filled way of relating to others. What fears does the chameleon face? They fear being their authentic selves because they might be abandoned if the others find out who the chameleon believes they are on the inside. On the inside, the chameleon believes he/she is not lovable. They fear the aloneness and rejection they will face if someone sees them, really sees them for who they are, and doesn't like what they see. Having these scary feelings…it literally feels like it would be worse than death. Therefore, adapting to situations by giving up "self" to be acceptable becomes necessary for their very survival.
When it comes down to it, they end up giving up who they are, trading peacefully living as the beautiful person they are on the inside, for the anxiety of trying to belong. The voice in their heads constantly tells them that no one will accept them for who they are. It is a private hell of their own making. They refuse to believe how breathtaking they are! (And not because they've earned it, but because they ARE.) Each person is a unique and beautiful creature, lovable for exactly who they are. Many of us don't believe it. We tell ourselves the lie that all of the painful times we experienced anything that resembled rejection in our childhoods were reflections of how lovable we are. I would invite you to stop believing this lie.
If we look a little bit deeper…and if you see yourself as a chameleon, this feedback might sting a little bit…chameleon behavior is also actually controlling of others. Attempting to control others is about making your own environment safe for yourself. If I can control others, I don't have to be afraid of them, right? So as a chameleon, I am going to attempt to control your perception of me, in essense attempting to force you to accept me and pay attention to me. When it comes down to it, this is an invasive way of relating to others. It is also ultimately a temporary illusion at best, because we can't really control how others feel or think…not in the context of a healthy relationship, or with any kind of long-term efficacy. Eventually someone you are trying to "trick" will catch on, and the chameleon can be seen.
Taking the risk to love yourself for who you are is a dangerous and scary notion, but it is the truth, and it is the growth we must pursue if we are going to have a mind filled with peace and self-acceptance. We will also no longer need to control or invade others, making us safer for them to choose to connect with us. When you can accept yourself, you can give acceptance to others most freely too, not codependently or in a controlling way, and not in an unbalanced "I'm-going-to-trade-my-self-for-your-acceptance" way. Think about accepting yourself more completely, with all of your beautiful, breathtaking, and brilliant colors. Risk letting the world see who you REALLY are, because that authentic self inside of you is AMAZING!
Thanks for reading! Have a beautiful day!
Written by Nancy Eisenman, MSW student
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2012, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: abandonment, anxiety, codependency, enmeshment, fear, inner voice, shame, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Fair vs. Unfair
Recently I was in on a very interesting discussion on the topic of "fairness." Wow, was it good! We were talking about how fair or not life can be, and I asked some questions to see how those around me felt about the topic. See how you would answer some of the questions I asked:
- Is the world fair?
- Is what happened to me as a kid, all the emotional wounds I received, fair?
- Is someone cutting in line fair?
- Does the reasoning behind their perceived unfair behavior matter, or change anything?
- What if no one gets hurt?
- What do you think?
Take a minute to ponder your ideas, or paradigm, about fairness.
My answer to the question "Is Life Fair or Not?" was "YES." Yes, life is fair. Yes, life is unfair. This is gonna sound kinda weird, but…it depends on who you ask. I don't mean which person in the world you ask, I mean which part inside of you that you ask. One of my mentors, Kathy Henry, LCSW taught me a way to look at myself on the inside to dis-entangle the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and reactions I could have to any given situation. She said that inside of us, we have an adult, an angry teenager, and a little child. Now, let me assure you, this is not a schizophrenic thing! It is just a way of thinking through things to help make sense of a complex set of thoughts and feelings.
To explain further, "Little Kid" is the part of your heart that is easily offended and hurt; is raw and sad from wounds; is voraciously needy for attention, affection, and acceptance; and pretty much thinks the world revolves around his/her perception. It's the core of your heart, the vulnerable part of you…the part that is hurting…and the part that is so amazingly BEAUTIFUL! There is no pride living in this part of your heart; it is innocent and faith-filled, while also immature and having a limited view of the world.
"Angry Teenager" is your psychological walls…your Little Kid's protector. It is your reactivity personified. When someone hurts you, or even if you perceive someone threatening to hurt you, Angry Teenager comes out in force and kicks some backside! He/she/it is a prickly porcupine, a green ogre, a 7-foot monster with a bazooka and a foul mouth. Whenever you need to back anyone off who you perceive as threatening to hurt any wound Little Kid might have, and adult is not around to have strong boundaries, Angry Teenager jumps to front and center and takes over the show. When you recognize this one coming out to play, it is an indicator that someone has hurt you or infringed upon your boundaries.
The Adult is your inner parent. This is the one who everyone thinks should be running the show, because that's who looks like the adult body we see walking around. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case. Unless you've had quite a bit of recovery work under your belt, this is actually pretty unusual. Many folks have little kid and angry teenager running the show almost exclusively. Those who have Adult running the show some of the time usually come across as overly responsible and critical. They generally have a voice in their head that sounds something like "Good grief (insert your name here), you really messed that up, you are stupid, incompetent, a screw-up, or otherwise not good enough unless you perform perfectly, which you can't…" The inner parent says to the inner child exactly what your parents said to you, verbally or non-verbally, while you were growing up…only on a bullhorn and repeating it over and over!
So how does that help organize all these thoughts, feelings, and reactions that I was talking about? If we can stop parenting ourselves in our own heads the way our parents wounded us when we were kids, we can start to love, accept, and care for the hurting little kid inside us. Instead of having angry teenager come out to our friends and loved ones…you know, the ones we hurt the most…we can redirect that scary monster away from them and toward the mean, critical, or passive inner parent! We can begin to take responsibility for our own feelings and actions instead of blaming others for them. The Adult becomes nicer, more nurturing, and more accountable inside for the only person it can control…itself. The little kid begins to heal while not only being heard, but also receiving the kind of parenting he/she has always longed for and never gotten.
Now, back to Fair vs. Unfair. What if we ask the little kid inside of you whether or not he/she thinks life is fair? Is it fair for a child to be hurt, abused, abandoned, or otherwise unloved? No, of course not. Each one of us is worthy of being loved and cared for perfectly. The problem is, NONE of us get it. No one. We are all wounded when we are little, and build psychological walls to protect ourselves from the wounding. Thank goodness we do, because without those walls as a kid, we would not be able to survive. Therapy and recovery is about figuring out the walls we built, tearing them down to heal the wounds behind them, and then learning new, mature and responsible (differentiated) ways of responding to painful stimuli. We can begin to see with new eyes, and hear with new ears.
What if we ask Angry Teenager if life is fair? I think he/she would say "Heck no! All of these bad ole people running around in the world hurting me? I'll kick their backsides! Nothing is fair and I won't ever think different!" Angry Teenager pouts and throws temper tantrums. Angry Teenager is the one who plays the part of victim, and keeps you STUCK. Do you know anyone who sounds like this? Do YOU sound like this? You may have an actual angry teenager living in your house that sounds like this! Older people who still sound like this have a hurting little kid inside, and an Adult who is not doing their job (boundaries, nurturing, non-reactive voice, etc.)
What if we ask Adult? Mostly, I think Adults, truly in their "adult/inner parent" space, would say that yes, life is fair. It's fair that all of us didn't get what we needed. It's a dog-eat-dog world…and all that. We come to a place of acceptance, at least to a degree. Continuing to think about it in terms of fair vs. unfair is dangerous though. I don't want you to hear that you deserved the pain you got; and, the world does have evil in it. You and I just needed our pain, to grow. It is what it is. Who grows and changes when they are happy and content?
Here's where we become ready to take the big step, then. When we move toward a more differentiated, responsible, truly mature adult position…(are you ready?)…we stop feeling the need to ask the question. We become de-enmeshed with the rest of the world and what it's doing. We realize that the things that happen to us and around us are what we need to grow and learn. We accept them more fully and peacefully. We realize everyone is walking around in an adult body with a hurting kid and angry teenager inside, and most are unaware of it. We exude calm and grace, love and accept others, have good boundaries and healing so angry teenager becomes obsolete….we are able to truly connect with others and we are finally peaceful.
What do you think about fairness now? I hope you enjoyed reading! I would love to hear any comments you have on this topic. Thanks for stopping by!
Written by Nancy Eisenman, MSW student
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2012, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: anxiety, boundaries, enmeshment, family systems theory, grace, inner voice, Uncategorized | No Comments »
What's So Amazing About Grace?
What's So Amazing About Grace? is actually the name of a book authored by Philip Yancey. Back when I was going through my divorce a few years ago, it was extremely important to me to be able to leave it without any leftover resentment or anger. I didn't want any residual bitterness or unforgiveness to continue hurting my heart. To that end, I did an intensive study on grace and forgiveness, including reading Yancey's book, among several others. I think that grace and forgiveness are important concepts to understand when working on presenting concerns in therapy practices such as anger management, codependency, and anxiety. One of the things I liked best in Yancey's book was this list of qualities of forgiveness. He states that forgiveness:
- Halts the cycle of blame and pain.
- Loosens the stronghold of guilt in the perpetrator.
- Allows the possibility of transformation in the guilty party.
- Is not the same as pardon…you may forgive the one that wronged you and still insist on a just punishment for that wrong. If you can bring yourself to the point of forgiveness, though, you will release its healing power both in you and in the person who wronged you.
- Has it's own extraordinary power which reaches beyond law and beyond justice.
- Places the forgiver on the same side as the party who did the wrong. p. 103
The simplest way I can think of to define grace is "forgiving someone who doesn't deserve it." Forgiving someone who deserves it is easy; they are sorry, repentent, their heart has turned, and you can sincerely believe them when they say that they will not do it again. Forgiving someone who doesn't deserve it is extremely difficult. They are not asking for forgiveness, they may not care that they hurt you or may be straight-up oblivious, or they may be justifying their hurtful actions. You may even know quite well that, given the chance, they would make the same decision to hurt you again.
The difficulty in forgiving someone who doesn't deserve it comes with the message we think we're sending to the other person if we forgive them. We think we're saying "it's OK what you did" and even further, "go ahead and do it again." Um, NO! What they did was absolutely NOT OK, and it is absolutely NOT OK for them to do it again! Continuing in this mindset that forgiveness equals saying it's OK will keep anyone from forgiving. The truth is: Grace is a paradox. It requires that I get on the side of my enemy, not by defending their actions, but by defending their humanity. The attitude we have sometimes is "Forgive and the atrocities will repeat themselves." But the opposite is true. Don't forgive, and they will repeat themselves.
Other things that may keep us from forgiving is the notion that we are giving up our right to "get even." If we forgive, we don't get to pass judgment or inflict retribution. This is a black and white over-reaction where we see the other person as "all bad." That's cut-off (a.k.a. negative enmeshment). We may think that if we seek just consequences for someone who has hurt us that we haven't truly forgiven.
As Yancey says though, this is a myth. Forgiveness does not equal pardon. We can still have rock solid boundaries with someone who has hurt us. That may even include a "geographical boundary" as Cloud and Townsend would say in their book Boundaries, because that person who hurt you is unsafe. We can say "what you have done is not OK, I will have a different relationship with you from now on with good boundaries, but I can forgive you in my heart so that I do not keep the negative connection with you alive in me." Can I respond to this event by not accepting the painful behavior, perhaps even requiring just consequences; but also by not denying the humanity of the other person?
In any relationship…in a couple, between friends, with co-workers, in families…anywhere, hurts are inevitable. We are imperfect folks, and we will hurt others and they will hurt us. What we do with those hurts is what counts. When you hurt someone, can you humble yourself and apologize, or do you need to justify what you did? Deep shame feelings may cause people to be unable to admit they've hurt someone. Do you care for others' feelings, or trample them to your own end? When someone hurts you, can you forgive them? Do you need to have a good boundary with them…meaning, can you protect and insulate yourself from them without attacking their worth has a human being? If you can't bring yourself to forgive, ask yourself what the payoff is. What do I think I have to give up in order to forgive?
Check out Phillip Yancey's book, What's So Amazing About Grace?. It really helped me let go of resentment and bitterness years ago, and is still doing so today. The world has recently given me several huge opportunities to forgive people who've hurt me badly and not asked for forgiveness. I will be having strong boundaries with them, but I've also chosen to see them through the eyes of grace, because I want to be forgiven when I screw up too…and oh, honey…I do, holy cow. I try very hard to give what I want to receive, and treat others the way I want to be treated. The peace in my heart that comes from letting the negative connection go (lack of anger and anxiety) and developing good boundaries (no more codependency) is always worth the effort.
Thanks for stopping by. I'll close up with a quote from What's So Amazing About Grace…
"The world thirsts for grace. When grace descends, the world falls silent before it." ~Philip Yancey
Written by Nancy Eisenman, MSW student
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2012, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: anxiety, boundaries, codependency, cut-off, divorce, enmeshment, faith-based living, forgiveness, grace, shame, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Two Sides Of The Same Coin
I've been thinking a lot this week about cut-off and enmeshment. I've discussed and described them before not long ago in a blog entitled "Differentiation 101". One of my mentors, Jerry Wise, describes these ideas as "two sides of the same coin." Odd, I thought, how two things that seem like opposite ends of the relational spectrum are actually so connected that he would describe them this way. I thought I would share some of my musings about this with you.
Let's start with enmeshment. This is an emotional over-closeness that is actually invasive and demanding of your relational partner. It puts a lot of pressure on others to constantly think well of you, so that you can feel OK about yourself. It asks them to take responsibility for and do a job that should actually be done by you, inside of you. It illuminates a lack of a personal sense of self-worth, which is the painful wound in the heart. The more someone is able to accept and love themself, the less they need to enmesh with a partner, the less hurt they are when someone thinks badly of them, and the less invasive they become.
Then there's cut-off. This is an emotional over-distance that is abandoning and judgemental of your relational partner. It hits them at the very core of their wounds. It helps to entrench the victim mentality. It is used as a wall by folks who do not have the ability to have boundaries, or admit their own mistakes or part of the problem. They are terrified of admitting wrongdoing because of overwhelming shame. It is an attempt to draw a line between perceived "all good" and "all evil." The more one is able to be humble and admit their imperfections, the less they need to blame someone else for wrongdoing, and the more gentle, loving, graceful, and willing to stay-put-and-discuss-things they become.
In both cases, the person doesn't have a healthy sense of self worth, they simply have different ways of coping with it. The wound was inflicted from different angles (abandonment for the enmesher, and shame for the one who cuts-off) so the coping mechanisms are opposite, yet equally unbalanced. Everyone with abandonment has a shame core, and everyone with shame has an abandonment core. Which voice sounds most like the one in your head?
- "Everyone in my life has told me that I am not good enough." (Shame) Core truth: I am not lovable so everyone will leave me. (Abandonment)
- "Nobody in my life ever paid enough attention to me." (Abandonment) Core truth: Everyone ignored me so I am not lovable. (Shame)
Usually one is bigger and more prominent, but it has the other at the core.
So if we have a person who is enmeshed, they are looking to someone else for affirmation. If that person does not give it in some perceived way, what happens? The enmesher cuts-off! They say, "If you don't think I'm good enough, then get away from me!" And if we have a person who is cut-off, they are trying to hold others at arms length…and why? Because, "otherwise you might challenge my self-perception (wall) that I'm good enough." (See how enmeshed that is…that they can be so wounded and defensive by the other's perception of them?) I say "wall", because they don't really believe they're good enough, it's an over-compensation. If they really did believe they were OK, they would not need to be reactive. Enmeshment and Cut-off are so closely related to one another that they really are two sides of the same coin, and they are responsible for a whole lot of the relational "dance" between people.
And we're not just talking about individuals, here. Families can have enmeshment and cut-off with other families. Organizations can do the dance of enmeshment and cut-off. Regions, cultures, and even countries can have these systems going on! Once this relational truth can be seen, it can be applied and seen everywhere.
So what, pray tell, is the cure, you ask? Self-acceptance. Not in a narcissistic, self-protecting, coping kind of way…but in a humble and grace-filled way. True differentiation. Pretty difficult for most folks, because we tend to take our cues for whether we're worthy or not from other walking-wounded humans who are far from perfect…like our parents, siblings, friends, professionals, or even our own harsh and judgemental internal voices…and we learn to do it when we're little kids and take EVERYTHING personally when it's not. Then we carry it right on into adulthood. Revisiting the time of the wounding, grieving what we didn't get, re-parenting ourselves, and learning to recognize and not take others' stuff personally are all lessons along the path toward self-acceptance and a new peaceful interior in your mind. It's not a fun path, but it is a necessary one.
Now, you have a few choices here…(1) you can keep standing at the trailhead, getting repeatedly beaten up by your own brand of thugs (issues), waiting for life to drag you down the long, dark, painful path kicking and screaming, prodding you along with a baseball bat; (2) you can crawl it slowly, hesitantly, alone, and feeling around in the dark, scraping your skin on every rock and branch; OR (3) you can walk it carefully and willingly with an experienced guide who has a flashlight…a gifted therapist. Life WILL make you go, it's up to you to decide what you want the trip to be like.
Need help? I sure did. I'm so thankful for all the help I received that I've decided to be a trail guide for a living! Drop me a line. I'll help you gear up and set out on the walk through your dark valley. Ready? Let's go!
Written by Nancy Eisenman, MSW student
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2012, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: abandonment, boundaries, cut-off, enmeshment, shame, Uncategorized | No Comments »
The Way You Make Me Feel
I've had the Michael Jackson song, "The Way You Make Me Feel" rolling around in my head today. And…now, so do you. Sorry about that! It suddenly occurred to me that it would make a great blog title! Unfortunately fans, we're not going to talk about Michael today. We're gonna chat about feelings, but you knew that already, right? Let me make a cup of coffee and we'll get started.
(Ahhh…Wild Mountain Blueberry.) So now, why is this sorta oldie-but-goodie speaking to me today, you ask? I was just thinking about emotional triggers and how easy it is to poke them sometimes. Oftentimes what I hear is "She makes me so angry!" or "He makes me feel so unappreciated!" As if we have no choices about how we feel or react.
So here's the truth. It is true that we cannot choose to just wake up each day and say "I'm going to feel happy all day no matter what, and nothing could possibly happen to change that." It's just not realistic, and the emotion center of your brain doesn't work like that. (You can get to a place where you feel really peaceful almost always, though. That's a whole 'nother book.) Things such as deaths and tragedies happen all the time, and we should absolutely have emotional reactions to them. It would be incongruent with our heart to not feel these negative emotions. But what is also true, and I think we often don't realize, it that we can choose how we react to our feelings. Others may try like the dickens to influence how you feel, but you ultimately get the choice about how you react and how you treat the other person.
It takes a lot of time and effort to have an influence on your normal, status quo, sorta baseline feeling state; but instant feelings are about wounds and reactivity. Feelings are a tool that let us know when something has happened that needs our attention. Take anger, for example: if I get angry, I know that one of two things has happened…either someone has invaded my boundaries, or someone has poked a wound. If it's a boundary violation, I can have a voice and calmly and non-reactively correct the situation. If it's a wound being poked, I need to get down into the depths of my heart and get to work on healing it! Either way, it's about me and my "stuff", and what they've done doesn't have to trigger me if I work on me.
So what about getting a handle on some of that reactivity? Wounds from long before you met the current lunkhead your in a relationship with (man or woman, friend or foe) still haunt you and cause pain and reactivity to rise to the surface. They are just the current face of it. Feelings indicate what wounds the other person has touched inside you, but they are still your wounds. It's like having a button right in the middle of your forehead, and every time someone walks by and feels the mood strike, they can reach over and push your buttons. Right? Am I speaking the truth here? You know you've said this, or at least thought it before. "If he/she would just stop pushing my buttons, we'd be fine."
OK, here's another big truth…YOU can dis-engage your buttons! We all have wounds from our pasts, but we don't have to continue on with the pain and reactivity of them for the rest of our lives! We can disengage these triggers that cause us to be reactive, or in other words, differentiate from our favorite button-pushers! If I don't react when you do the same thing you've done 10,000 times to make me angry, and even better, react counter-intuitively, I can begin to disengage my buttons. Doing the heart work on the source of my wounds disengages them further. Eventually, when someone pushes them, nothing happens! Voila! Stops them getting the payoff from pushing it, (whether positive or negative) and then… why push it anymore?
No one can make you feel unappreciated without your complete cooperation. No one can make you angry without you having to own that you have the wound, and the trigger; and you have either consciously or reflexively chosen the reaction you've had. Those choices can change! The reflexes can be rewired! You want the cure for anger and self-pity? Here it is. Ready? LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE. Get into recovery from your wounds and childhood issues. De-enmesh. Figure out who you really are and where your boundaries are located. Know thyself. Differentiate and grow-up the little aching kid inside of you!
Don't know how to begin? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.com . I will hook you up. Wouldn't it be amazing to have peace reign supreme inside your mind? To be able to love other people freely and without judgement? To fully understand the beauty of humility…loving yourself without feeling like a narcissist? It can happen. YOU can make you feel…so much better. Eee-hee…OW!
Thanks for stopping by! You guys are awesome!
Written by Nancy Eisenman, MSW student
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2012, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: boundaries, cut-off, enmeshment, family systems theory, making changes, Uncategorized | No Comments »
Differentiation 101
I recently listened to an audiobook called "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, PhD. It is a family systems approach to marital sexuality, and in it he talks about one of the key concepts of family systems theory: differentiation. So let's start with a definition of this polysyllabic enigma. (Woo! Big words! Told ya I was halfway to my Masters…who knows what crazy stuff I'll be saying next year…I don't even want to know!)
OK, seriously. The simplest way I can think of to describe differentiation is that it is finding my own emotional space, as opposed to being enmeshed or cut-off, which I will define for you this way:
- Enmeshment: Emotional over-closeness. Here's what it looks like: "I'm OK with who I am as long as someone else thinks I am, so we are enmeshed,"…a coping tactic used to get another person to bind my anxiety about who I am and whether I am lovable or acceptable. It usually stems from having at least one emotionally distant caregiver.
- Cut-off: Emotional over-distance. It looks like this: "I can't handle talking about feelings for long or endure true intimacy, so I need to back you away from me when you try to get close,"…a coping tactic used to control anxiety about a lack of self and voice. It usually stems from having at least one overly-invasive caregiver.
If I am differentiated, I don't need over-closeness to feel accepted, nor do I need over-distance to feel safe. I can tolerate fluctuations in closeness and distance from those closest to me because I feel good about me: accepting and loving of myself from the inside, and having the ability to know who I am and where my boundaries are to remain emotionally safe.
I'd like to talk a little more about what it looks like to experience that kind of emotional calmness, balance, and safety; in other words, what it is like to become more differentiated. Dr. Schnarch describes differentiation by four descriptive statements, and I thought it was a good way to get started with the idea of becoming more emotionally and relationally balanced. Here are his statements:
- Being clear about who you are while you are close to people who are important to you
- Having the ability to regulate your own anxiety
- Not getting reactive when your partner gets anxious or reactive
- Having a tolerance for the discomfort of growth
Jerry Wise MA, MS, one of the Family Tree therapists, said to me in the waiting room the other day that in order to really have a strong, long-term, healing effect in any relationship when it comes to enmeshment or cutoff, it's not about finding different things to do to meet each others' needs that is the most effective treatment; rather, it is helping one or both individuals become more differentiated. Then meeting each others needs becomes much easier. I totally agree. It not only makes folks less needy and scared on the inside, it makes them better able to give, and tolerate true closeness! Another relational paradox: we need to emotionally separate ourselves in order to get closer. Hmm.
If we look at this a little deeper, it tells a story of the journey toward differentiation. See what you think…
- Becoming more differentiated allows me to achieve an inner peace. If I know who I am, I don't have to worry about who you think I am or who you want me to be. I can lay down my mask and be my authentic self. Ahhh.
- This allows me to regulate my own anxiety or calmness, because now I don't need you to do it for me…I'm OK with me whether you are or not, I know where I stop and others begin, and if you are too invasive, I can use my boundaries and my voice to gently ease you out of my space without over-reacting. Ahhh.
- If I know who I am and I'm not worried about you causing me anxiety, I can stay a lot less reactive when you have anxiety, and thus tolerate greater intimacy with you. Your anxiety is NOT ABOUT ME. It is yours, and I don't have to take it on or take it personally. Now I can listen and understand what it is like to be you…true connection without judgement. Ahhh.
- Finally, I know that truly accepting myself takes a ton of courage. It means I have to let down my walls (while maintaining the boundary of who I am) and become more visible. Other people will be able to get to know me, (yikes!) and they might just judge me to be not good enough (no way!). I might be found to be unworthy or unlovable in their eyes somehow (oh boy), and then I have to deal with those feelings (worst fear there is). See how our fears creep in to keep us from truly accepting ourselves? Those are the voices in your mind that need to be fought.
This stuff is scary. It's extremely difficult. It takes not only a ton of insight into how I work on the inside so I can truly know myself; it also takes the courage to take responsibility for my own feelings, and risk being all alone if anyone finds out who I really am and doesn't like what they find. Since we are built for connection, that prospect is highly terrifying. What you really find if you choose to risk it is that you really will be accepted and loved by those who care about you. You'll realize that you have been all along, you were just too afraid to believe it was true and genuine.
Will you risk the pain to find the real you? Will you chance finding out who you really are and grieving the hurt in your heart to heal it? It's not a journey for weenies. If you want to become an emotional Samurai, you have to go through the training. The old saying holds true for this one: "no pain, no gain." I'm not here to say it's easy, but I can absolutely promise you, it is worth it. Spending some time with a gifted personal trainer (therapist) will get you on the road to becoming that Samurai, that Neo in the Matrix, that differentiated and peaceful soul you long to be. This work can help you re-wallpaper your mind. Is this the year you will begin?
Thanks for stopping by the waiting room today. Blessings on your day!
Written by Nancy Eisenman, MSW student
Nancy Eisenman, MSW student, works at Family Tree Counseling Associates. Family Tree specializes in couples counseling, marriage counseling, individual counseling, group counseling, and family counseling. Family Tree Counseling is located in the Indianapolis area serving the surrounding areas of Carmel, Westfield, Zionsville, Fishers, and Noblesville.
©2012, Nancy Eisenman
Topics: anxiety, boundaries, cut-off, family systems theory, fear, making changes, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »