text:
Your daughter's a magical girl, your wife's a kitsune, the owner of the accounting firm you work for is a dragon, your old battle buddy is sandbagging for a government agency, and you created a powerful magical faction in an attempt to pull your daughter, Melon, out of the violent magical girl life.Well, you just got pulled in yourself. Sorted out some problems with your in-laws by simply being there and saying a few words - you're still not sure what the hell's going to happen to Japan after that episode.And Mary, the leader of the magical girl squad your daughter joined up with, ascended to goddesshood. Somehow. Nobody's really sure how that worked. When you made a journey up into the sephirot spheres to get her back, she named you her 'Hierophant', and you accidentally rescued Satan (he's going by "Lucy" now) from where he'd been marooned by his demons about two thousand years ago.This all seems a little unbelievable, doesn't it?Yes, it's absolutely ridiculous! Two months ago you were a well-adjusted suburban father with a good day job doing accounting, and now you're embroiled in conflicts between gods, demons, youkai, magic rats (the ones that contract with magical girls and FUCK THOSE GUYS), governments, and every other supernatural sort you can think of. And you're an accomplice to destroying five or so satellites. The DirectTV customers on the east coast are very unhappy. So are several alphabet agencies in various countries.At least the vampires haven't shown up yet. You've heard they're bad news.You'd hoped the most awkward conversations you'd have to have with your teenage daughter, Melon, would be about boys or drugs or sex. Well, you've had those, but the ones about magic and bullshit have been a lot worse! She even tried to come on to you a couple of times! (Melon's first heat cycle hit recently, and it's been a trying time for everyone. You didn't know about that when you signed up to marry Liska. You didn't even know the hot blonde you tied the knot with was a kitsune.)So here you are, walking into your backyard, Lucifer strolling behind you, holding the first volume of Gibbon, and telling a goddess it's bedtime."You and Harriet get the master suite," you tell her, after thinking about the possibilities, "and whoever else you want in there. We've got couches and floors for days.""I know," Mary says, "I've slept on them.">And anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or floor needs to leave>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in one of the bunks in Melon's room>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in the upstairs study>Wonder why it feels like you've done this before>Ask Rachel how the hell she's floating like that>WRITE IN
>>3281235>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in one of the bunks in Melon's room
>>3281235>>And anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or floor needs to leave>>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in one of the bunks in Melon's roomAbout time, Haiku.
>>3281235>>And anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or floor needs to leave>>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in one of the bunks in Melon's roomGood to see your back, man.
Guess we're back after a month off. I'm abandoning the original thread #20 because it didn't get archived.Archive: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=ShotgunCharacter sheet/notes (updated): https://pastebin.com/kW127tnvTwitter, for runtimes: https://twitter.com/HaikuDeluge>>3281261>About time, Haiku.Yeah, yeah, sorry.
>>3281235>And anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or floor needs to leave>Find Liska and say that you two should probably sleep in the upstairs study>Ask Rachel how the hell she's floating like that
>>3281235"But really," Mary says, "the master suite? And you keep insisting you're not my high priest?""It's the last open bed in the house, and you've been on quite a trip," you tell her, then raise your voice at the assembly, "and anyone who doesn't want to sleep on a couch or a floor and doesn't have a room already should probably leave. It's been a hell of a night for everyone."You hear a vague chorus of "you can say that again" ripple across the crowd, and see Rachel (still floating above the ground) arguing with her parents about where she's staying out of the corner of your eye as you cruise toward Liska. It's not hard to find her - the tails are a dead giveaway."I think we're on one of the bunks in Melon's room," you whisper in a fluffy ear, as you come up behind her and slide a hand on her hip."I'm not sure that's a good idea," Liska says, turning to face you, her face a bit flushed, then whispers, "unless you WANT her trying to crawl into our bed. And I don't mean like she used to do when she had nightmares as a kid. I really don't want that.""God knows I don't want that either," you tell Liska, "and I'm pretty sure she knocked herself out with sleeping pills. She was rolled up like a caterpillar last I saw."Liska's eyes narrow."Yeah, you -" she starts, the pulls herself back, "hell, I'm still not thinking straight," she tells you and puts a hand on her forehead."Besides," you say, "we'll be there to make sure nothing happens, right?""You'll be there to do that," Liska whispers, "but if things go wrong - you're going to have a kitsune and a hanyou jumping you. I REALLY don't want that.""Yeah," you whisper back, "if that happens, I'll flare all the supernatural power I've got, and that should wake at least one of you up. There are a lot of other people in here I don't want going into that room, and this is the best solution I can think of.""Fine," Liska says, grimacing, and brushes about half her tails across your face as she turns away.Kelly coughs behind you - not the hacking guttural noise you expect from him, but a very polite "am I interrupting something?" sort of cough.You turn your head to look at him."We're bailing," the assassin says, then whispers, "as soon as the fae and the mole leave," then finishes with "it's been a fun night," in a much more normal tone.>What's your definition of 'fun'?>Cool. Let me see if W's on the same plan>Let's expedite them getting out. I think Reynold's had enough 'fun'>Make sure you grab Shelby>WRITE IN
>>3281436>Cool. Let me see if W's on the same plan>What's your definition of 'fun'?
>>3281436>>What's your definition of 'fun'?You fucking died.
>>3281436>What's your definition of 'fun'?
>>3281436>>What's your definition of 'fun'?>>Hey, now that Mary's back, next time we can sit down and try and figure this whole Angel Of Death thing alright? I won't forget about your problems either brother. Thanks for the help so far.
>>3281436>What's your definition of 'fun'?>Cool. Let me see if W's on the same plan
>>3281436"What's your definition of 'fun'?" you ask Kelly, "you fucking died!""I got to play Russian Roulette with Death," the assassin says, "that was pretty fun, and I got a title off it. I hogtied a half-demon and he couldn't get out of it. I got to stare down a god and he backed off! I got to meet-" then he drops his voice to a whisper again, "I got to meet HER again. She's the closest thing I have to a mother or an older sister in this world, and she's here! And," he suddenly raises his voice "I GOT MY COUGH CURED! This has been a damn fun night, man. Or should I start calling you 'Deuce'?"A smile's quirking at the corners of Kelly's lips as you tell him "please don't. I really don't like that story.""None of us get to pick our nicknames," Kelly says, with a broad grin, "or our titles. it's just something that binds us to the people who gave them, y'know? Although that's a pretty shitty way to get one."Unfortunately, it was a literally shitty way to get one."But it was one hell of a great night for me," the assassin continues, "I'm not terminally ill anymore! The Angel Of Death admitted I deserve the title more than him! I can live out my normal lifespan with my family - and if I bite it, I can try gaming him again for an extension with the title as collateral! Look," he says, leaning toward you, "I know I might not seem like it, but the idea that I'm going to get to grow old with my family around me - that's worth more than ANYTHING my clients have ever given me!">I need to make sure W had as much fun - want to come?>I need to go make sure W had as much fun>I think Liska's a little mad with me - I need to check that out>Can you stay on as insurance against 'Lucy'?>Damn, sounds like you had a good night>What was that about Scarborough Fair being your mother or elder sister?>This is the happiest I've ever seen you>Hey, you want to get that title checked out? We've got a dude who might know about it.>WRITE IN[Holy fuck, that's a lot of options! I try to include multiples if possible.]
>>3281556>What was that about Scarborough Fair being your mother or elder sister?>I need to make sure W had as much fun - want to come?We need to finally find where that damn wizard dissipated to.
>>3281556>>I need to go make sure W had as much fun
>>3281556>Damn, sounds like you had a good night>I need to make sure W had as much fun - want to come?
>>3281556"Sounds like you had a damn good night. Glad I could make that happen," you tell him, then whisper "and what was that about Scarborough Fair being your mother or older sister?""I said she was the closest thing I had to one," Kelly hisses back at you under his breath, "I've been fighting as long as I can remember. I met her in a fairy ring on a hill while I was fucking in for the IRA. Kept going back to her. She taught me things. Then she was gone one day, all the mushrooms crushed. She looked different back then. Guess fighting her in Russia was something like a graduation, even if we didn't recognize each other.""From what I've heard," you whisper at him, "you got damn lucky there too.""I would have died," Kelly whispers, "and I would have happy to, if she'd fallen for me. But I was just a kid, and I went on to do other things. Actually kind of grateful she didn't go for it. There are some things you have to keep at arms' length.""Like my sister?" you hiss at him, and by then your face are so close you might as well be kissing.Kelly grimaces, "she wanted it," he whispers to you, with eyes like black diamonds, "she forced it - look, touche, but neither of us really want to talk about this.""No," you say, "but I do want to find out if W had as much fun as you did tonight. Want to come?""I've been watching that scene over your shoulder the whole time," Kelly says, "of course I want to rag on him."Then you turn around to see Rachel positively flitting around her parents and her sister, as they all engage in some sort of family argument. From what you can hear, Rachel wants to be by Mary's side, but W wants her to come home with them. You're not entirely sure about what Alice and Shirley want, but they're usually not the most vocal people at the best of times.You walk toward the little knot, and hear Rachel yell "alright, if you think you can stop me, fight me! I'm more powerful than you'll ever be!"...oh dear."On second thought," Kelly says from behind you, "I really don't want to rag on him - she's doing it already. That looks like a tough situation. You have fun while I round up my crew."Well, there goes your moral support.>Walk up to W's family and casually mention that they're all welcome to spend the night>Just walk up and see if thing die down with an outsider in play>This is not your problem. You should go talk to [WRITE IN]>Whatever W's family issues are, your own are more important. Liska's having a bad night>Walk up and ask them if they need the quarry for this one.>WRITE IN
>>3281847>Just walk up and see if thing die down with an outsider in play>If not point out Mary is tired and has had a long fucking night. she ills need the sounds of fighting keeping her awake or the place she's sleeping at burning down.
>>3281847>Walk up to W's family and casually mention that they're all welcome to spend the night, and if their not, ask them if they need the quarry for this one.
>>3281847>>Walk up and ask them if they need the quarry for this one.
I think I'm crashing. Hopefully I'll resume tomorrow and this thread will become more hilarious.Twitter for runtimes: https://twitter.com/HaikuDelugeArchive for catching up: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=ShotgunCharacter sheet (mostly updated): https://pastebin.com/kW127tnvI think Kelly's not giving the full story on his childhood interactions with 'Rosemary'/'Scarborough Fair' here, but at this point we've gotten the gist. (And probably everything that either of them would willingly tell the MC.) The idea of a fae that basically said "fuck you, I'll fight for them because they respect us!" to Titania and Oberon in front of the whole faery court is incredibly entertaining to me. 'Rosemary'/'Scarborough Fair' doesn't actually have a home to go back to, which is why she's been living as a gun for hire.
>>3281937cheers, boss
>>3281847>>3281874"We ALL need a good nights sleep to think on things."
>>3281847>>Just walk up and see if thing die down with an outsider in play
>>3281847supporting >>3281874
>>3281847You approach the little group very casually, sizing things up as you walk. Much as you'd hoped the fight at the quarry was a wakeup call, the looks Rachel and W are trading seem like they might have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. And you're actually worried about Shirley, who's standing a bit behind her father with a strained expression on her face - now that Rachel's gotten a drastic increase in power, there's no telling what she might do to prove a point. You can still remember the magical girl (or whatever Rachel is now) hissing about her "fucking wizard sister" the first time she showed up.Alice's eyes are flitting back and forth between the two, with the look of a mouse caught between two cats.And W's face is - oh, you know that look. Sometimes you've seen it in the mirror. He's got the clenched jaw of a man who's done everything he thinks he should have, and he's getting slammed for it. "If I hadn't..." he starts in a low but intense voice, and the wineglass is nowhere to be seen, then he notices you out of the corner of his eye and stops....the demons are probably all really enjoying this little show, aren't they? Hell, even you can almost feel the roiling emotions around those two."Oh," Rachel says, baring her teeth, "go on."You clear your throat to make sure she notices you."Hey," you say, fully walking into the circle of conversation, "I'm starting to wind the party down and kick people out if they're not sleeping here. We've all had a rough night, and need some sleep.""That's what we were talking about," W says, bringing his voice closer to normal, "so-""W, Rachel," you say, taking a gamble while raking your eyes across both of them, "we don't know how proximity affects, well," and you gesture at the girl floating a few inches over your yard. Not enough to be different than very tall heels, but just showing off that she CAN do it, "might be best for you," as you look into Rachel's eyes, "to stick close to Mary until we can figure it out. And it's far too late for more magic experimentation. You're all welcome to spend the night."Alice leans forward and whispers something in W's ear as Rachel looks at you with - is that a glare? You're not quite sure. It's certainly not the most deadly look you've gotten during your career, then it softens, as she realizes what you're saying."I'm afraid we're going home," W says, putting his hand on his wife's shoulder, "but thanks for the offer," he tells you with a look of gratefulness, "Rachel, Shirley, you can come or not."Then the wizard rips a hole through reality, and Alice steps through. W follows after a moment. Shirley looks farther up at her sister than she's ever had to and says "I'm glad you're back," then darts through before the hole closes.By the time you look back at Rachel, she's sitting on the grass, breathing heavily.>And that's when Lucifer walks over>You ok?>Alright, bedtime!>I think they do love you>WRITE IN
>>3287058>>And that's when Lucifer walks over
>>3287058>>Lucifer, I swear by your father, you will wait your turn or I will give my sister the greenlight to take your head right here and now.>>You know they love you right? I don't know anything about siblings, but I know that look in W and Alice's eyes like I do my own heartbeat, so trust me when I say that he does love you. He just wants to help you the best way he knows how.
>>3287058>>You ok?
>>3287058"You ok?" you ask her, stepping over toward the girl."Think I've ever been ok?" she bites back at you, with a hell of a lot more venom than Mary's similar question had in it, and someone extends a hand to her before you get there." γύναι," Lucy says, knees bent, waiting for her to take his hand to pull her to her feet, "I can tell you from bitter experience that doesn't end well," and there's some rightness and wrongness in that scene of Rachel's hand reaching toward his.Then she pulls her hand back."Look what it did to me," Lucy says, standing up and turning away, "I stormed off in a rage and I'm pretty sure I was right about at least half of it," he goes on, talking mostly to himself, "and I'm... well, now I'm the Devil. It's not quite your situation, but I could have been an, uhm, 'district attorney' or something for Heaven, not the ruler of Hell. Or maybe both, but I blasted through it all and," he says, looking over his shoulder at Rachel, his neck like a limber snake, "I'm not sure I should have. I'm not sure I shouldn't have. Your father's not a god," he says, looking back at her, "but-""Father of Lies," you say, grabbing one of Rachel's hands and wrenching her up to standing, then look over her shoulder at Lucy and say, "you're going to wait your turn or I'll give Ellie the greenlight to take your head here.""Honestly," Ellie says, "watching this seems more entertaining.""There's always a piece of truth in a lie, isn't there?" Rachel asks, pulling in close to you, then she whispers, "thanks for taking my side there, Hierophant," she hisses in your ear, and you're REALLY hoping Liska didn't see that.Yeah, this is Mary's problem."I CAN stand on my own," Rachel says, drawing back from you, then she cranes her neck around and yells, "Mary? We going to bed or not?"You want to tell her how well you know the look in her parents' eyes, how W's been killing demons to shore up her quotas for years, how they've all doing what they can for her, but, if you've read her right, that might set her off.A manifesto of how she can't stand on her own.>Mary, grab your 'angel'>Ensure Reynold and 'Rosemary' leave>Retreat to the living room couch, put on a football game, and pop open a beer. The last true refuge of the American dad.>For once in my life, I'm seconding Lucy here - something you see as an affront, they-we see as loving you>Lucy, you get a couch>WRITE IN
>>3287295>>Mary, grab your 'angel'
>>3287295>>Ensure Reynold and 'Rosemary' leaveMay as well tie this up while we let Rachel cool off.
>>3287295>>Lucy, you get a couch>Seeing as you've had nothing to lay on in centuries and modern couches are better than primitive beds I am sure you will manage.>For once in my life, I'm seconding Lucy here - something you see as an affront, they-we see as loving you
>>3287295"Alright," you say, "Lucy, you get a couch for that. And a blanket.""That's a hell of a lot better than the sands!" Lucy says, then strokes his chin, "actually, this'll be the first time in two millenia I've slept on a cushion.""Mary," you say, raising your voice a bit, "grab your 'angel'. I think it's bedtime for everyone.""I've got to figure out some better term for them," Mary says, stepping forward from the circle you didn't realize had formed behind you to claim Rachel, "that doesn't overlap."Alright. There's only one more set of folks you need to deal with. You have a lot of things you want to tell Rachel, but she probably needs to cool off first.So you bear down on the fae and your hapless office assistant, as Mary drags Rachel off to the showers by main force."Hey," you say, "Reynold, 'Rosemary'. It's closing time. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.""I know who I want to take me home," Reynold says, then Rosemary looks at you and says:"I'm good to drive."You see them out to the door, through a miniature maelstrom of preparations for overnight stays, and end up on the doorstep."It's been fun, boss," Reynold says."Thanks," 'Rosemary' tells you under shaded eyes.>Kid, you know your girl's a Leanan Sidhe, right?>I assume she's driving?>It's been a pleasure - hope you enjoyed meeting us as much as we enjoyed meeting you.>Kid, you wear another wire into the office or into my home, and I'll beat the shit out of you>WRITE IN
>>3287415>>It's been a pleasure - hope you enjoyed meeting us as much as we enjoyed meeting you.>>[pull him close]Kid, you wear another wire into the office or into my home, and I'll beat the shit out of you>>[to Rosemary]Make sure he gets a good night's rest. I want to see him at work tomorrow.I don't even remember what day it is so replace that with whatever if it's wrong.
>>3287415>Kid you pull any of that Narc shit on me again? It'll make your inevitable fate with your girlfriend look like happy hour at the bar compared to what will happen to you.>>[to Rosemary]Make sure he gets a good night's rest. I want to see him at work tomorrow.
>>3287415>>Kid, you know your girl's a Leanan Sidhe, right?
>>3287415>>Kid, you wear another wire into the office or into my home, and I'll beat the shit out of you>>Hope you enjoyed your time in the deep end, I have to live here.
>>3287415>It's been a pleasure - hope you enjoyed meeting us as much as we enjoyed meeting you.>>>[pull him close]Kid, you wear another wire into the office or into my home, and I'll beat the shit out of you>>>[to Rosemary]Make sure he gets a good night's rest. I want to see him at work tomorrow.
>>3287415"It's been a pleasure," you say, then dispense with the pleasantries."Quick word," you say, grabbing Reynold by his collar, then harshly whisper into his ear: "kid, if you wear another wire into my house, or my office, I'll beat the shit out of you. And I can't answer for what the other fuckers will do. Let alone the clients."You can see 'Rosemary bristling past his shoulder, but she should know it's for his own good.Unfortunately, you're not entirely sure how much of tonight Reynold might remember."My best offer still stands," you say to the world in general, releasing him at Rosemary."It's generous," she says, staring you down, "but I've laughed at 'you cannot run far enough' before. Still a good night.""And if I see him at work tomorrow," you say, "I'll assume you two didn't take it. We did enjoy meeting you.""You probably will see him," she says, shifting one arm to support your unfortunate employee, "you're nowhere near the scariest bastard I've faced."Well, you think, as the two of them walk away, and - did Rosemary just wink at you? - that's not really a distinction you want. Reynold is a lucky bastard and a flaming idiot....although the idea of 'Scarborough Fair' coming after you is not a pleasant one, given some of the stories you've heard.You feel a light hand on your shoulder, and turn to see Rick attached to the other end of it. At least he has pupils. Jean's saying a few parting words to Liska and Iris from what you can see over his shoulder."Well," the demon police chief says, half pushing past you, "thanks for tonight, lord. The legion will be there when you call.""I might have some questions about the new guy," you whisper as he gets through the door."Tomorrow," he says, from the other side of your front door, as Jean pushes past you, an oversized briefcase clunking against the doorframe.Before you can quite ponder what's going on, Kelly's clan bails, with the patriarch half-saluting you in passing.And eventually the front door is shut against the things that go bump in the night. Or at least the ones that aren't staying in your house.Madison's crew should mostly be in the camper, you can hear Mary's crew (judging by voices, that includes Harriet and Karen as well as Rachel) arguing about the master bedroom showers, and it seems like Lucy has taken up decided residence on a living room couch with a blanket and a book.>Drag Liska to bed - ask about the briefcase>Make sure Lucy seems secure>Make sure Ellie's crew is settled in in their room>Drag Liska to bed - time for this night to be over>WRITE IN
>>3287926>Drag Liska to bed - time for this night to be over
>>3287926>>Make sure Lucy seems secure>>Drag Liska to bed - ask about the briefcaseMay as well make sure Lucy is distracted enough with the library that he doesn't get up to, or into anything else tonight before shuffling off ourselves.
>>3287926>>Drag Liska to bed - ask about the briefcase
>I don't even remember what day it is so replace that with whatever if it's wrong.IIRC, this is still Thursday night in the quest, like it's been for several months in real-time. I'll probably be bailing myself within a couple of posts. I conked out in the floor for a couple hours earlier during the thread, but I'd really like to pick up earlier tomorrow.
>>3287926>Make sure Ellie's crew is settled in in their room>Drag Liska to bed - ask about the briefcaseafraid but curious.
>>3287926Well, seems like the party's over. Anyone hanging around tomorrow can be press-ganged into a cleanup crew.You walk back into the living room to check on your newest guest, who's lounging on your couch under a couple of blankets, with a stack of books by his side.Lucy cocks an eyebrow at you as you enter."I trust you're finding everything interesting?" you ask."Very," he tells you, "oh, you can kill the light. The lamp here is fine."The switch snaps down, leaving the room dark, save for the pool of light the 'Mourning Star' is using to read his way through your library."I'd prefer if you didn't mess with my family or guests," you venture."Sure," Lucy says, "I'm a guest too, aren't I? And," he says as you turn to leave, "I only told her what I wish someone could have told me, although our cases are different, Watson."Then you look back and realize he's got a collection of Sherlock Holmes in his hands."I'm told that guy was real," you say, "but like a lot of other things on the shelves: as far as I know - it's fiction.""But that's the beauty of it," Lucy says, "even fiction displays the foibles of the human mind and illuminates the 'why' in ways a history can't. And even histories have a judgemental air to them, with what's put in, left out or editorialized into the text.""Not sure you've met Madison yet," you say, hearing running water in the hall bath, "but I think she'd enjoy talking to you. A bit surprised Ellie didn't go for your throat tonight, honestly.""I'm a good listener," Lucy tells you."Then I'm surprised Haru didn't go for it," you say, quirking a smile."I don't go in for that sort of thing myself," Lucy says, "although it's always fun to see others try. I'm a bit surprised you still decided to harbor me after finding out who I was.""Well," you tell The Devil, "so am I. Maybe it's professional courtesy - they called us 'Devil Dogs', you know?""I'd love to see the jurisdiction arguments over who actually gets your soul when you bite it," Lucy says, "anyway, I'm going to be reading for a while - you have a very nice library.""Thank my wife," you say, before heading down the hall. From the muffled conversation in the guest bedroom, it sounds like Ellie's crew is settling in for the night. You wonder if Rob's still in there, or back in the camper.You rap a couple of time on the hall bath door, and say "it's me, Liska."[1/2]
>>3288064"It's not locked," Liska says in an oddly muffled voice, and you open the door to find her brushing her teeth....good thing there are spares in here, you think as you pull out a new toothbrush to begin the cleansing ritual yourself.Showers can be optional, but cavities are forever."Lucifer likes your library," you say, before rinsing your mouth out."Not sure how much of a compliment that is," Liska says from behind you, fixing your eyes in the mirror, "but I guess he gets to have good taste.""Well," you finally say, "the Stones did call him a man of wealth and taste. He seems to like the song - or what he's heard of it.""Actually," she whispers to you while you're drying your face with a towel, "how DID you scrape up the Prince of Darkness?""In the mood for a bedtime story?" you ask, and the two of you head for Melon's bedroom, taking the farthest bunk away from your sleeping daughter, who's luckily still rolled up into something like a caterpillar. Then you tell the story."I wish I'd been good to go," Liska says after you finish, snuggling up against you under the covers, "that actually sounds like fun.""Sorry I gave our bedroom away and you didn't get to ask anyone if that bed was carved into an olive tree," you tell her in a low voice."Mmm," she growls, nuzzling at your neck, "sometimes it's fun to just be all over you without doing anything. And I guess you're right - we can't really leave Melon alone after I ripped the door down." Haru may be correct - Liska might be coming off this heat cycle."That was probably the right call," you mutter back at her, "by the way, what was Jean doing with that briefcase? I thought that was here for helping out with..."You can feel Liska start to shake with muffled laughter, and she finally says, "my dear Watson - she got me to sign a book about a demon tied up so he didn't hurt the heroine. The last person we tied up with that kit was Rob while his arm was going nuts. Jean went with Rick, and left Sue here. What do you think she's planning on doing with it?"...oh."Tell me you didn't talk her into that," you say."It was mostly Iris," Liska whispers, "I swear."Considering how fast both of you fall asleep after that, it's been a rough night for everyone.But you eventually wake up to:>Someone attempting to climb into the bed. It's still dark>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast with [WRITE IN]>Melon's alarm clock, still set for school hours even though she's on sick leave>A strange noise coming from somewhere else in the house>WRITE IN
>>3288132>>Someone attempting to climb into the bed. It's still dark
>>3288132>>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast while Satan comes to terms with the concept of a microwave.
And that's it for tonight, folks. I hope to be back tomorrow.Twitter (for runtimes): https://twitter.com/HaikuDelugeArchive (for the history of how in the hell, or out of it, things got this crazy): http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=ShotgunCharacter/Notes Sheet (recently updated): https://pastebin.com/kW127tnv
>>3288132>A strange noise coming from somewhere else in the houseMystery box?
>>3288132>A strange noise coming from somewhere else in the house
>>3288132>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast with LucyBecause the man with wealth and taste wants to try his hand at cooking something for the first time in 2000+ years
>>3288132>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast with Lucy
>>3288132this: >>3288145>>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast while Satan comes to terms with the concept of a microwave.
>>3288682Microwave? He's never actually seen a FORK.
>>3288132>The first rays of morning sunlight, and you go prepare breakfast while Satan comes to terms with the concept of a microwave.>>3288802Forks first appeared between 2400 and 1900 B.C. and even the Ancient Greeks had personal table forks. So Forks should not be weird.
>>3288916Maybe I confused it with a spoon? I'm probably thinking about modern forks that are three pronged or something instead of the giant forks you stab giant hunks of meat with while carving.
>>3289065Yeah, 3 and 4 pronged forks are more modern originating in Persia/Byzantium but a fork shouldn't be anything really alien.
>>3289144I was thinking more about middle ages era cutlery. Maybe Europe was just a bunch of backwards barbarians?
>>3288132backing this >>3288145
>>3288132I can imagine us just waking up with Mary next to us or floating above us.
>>3288132Sunshine.The first gleeful fingers of Aurora threading in through the blinds. Liska's still in a deep sleep, as you confirm while struggling out of the bed under her dead weight.She never was a morning person, and she seems more beat than usual.Looks like Melon's still curled into an approximation of a caterpillar, her blonde hair hair catching the light across her pillow. You wish you could at least pat her head or something, but that... probably wouldn't end well.Shave, showver, suit - fuck. Your closet's in the master bedroom, which you loaned to Mary's crew for the night. Looks like you'll have to try breakfast as the first item on the morning list, since you can't get at the others. Might even have to call in late to Bernie.Because you don't want to wake Mary and the other girls right now. Or deal with an early-morning Ellie. Looks like the Devil you don't know is the best option. Hopefully you don't manage to wake him while you pad by the living room.Nearly every book that should be on the shelves is stacked around the couch, and the couch is empty. You glance toward the kitchen, and see Lucy flipping through a manual in front of the microwave....how fast does that guy read?"You sleep well?" you ask the Devil, as you roll into the kitchen."Better than I have in a couple thousand years," Lucy tells you, "ok, how does this thing work? I chucked in 110, but nothing happened.""It makes unattached water molecules spin fast enough to produce heat," you say, "or something like that. I prefer a frying pan.""So it's not gematria," Lucy asks."No," you tell him, grabbing some eggs from the refrigerator, "it's nothing like that. It just puts energy into-""Huh," Lucy says, a globule of water manifesting in his hand, then dissipating into steam, "spinning this fast - interesting. I assumed something dumb. So how does cooking go these days?""Want me to show you?" you ask, grabbing a frying pan."No," Lucy says, "I want you to tell me. I won't eat anything a priest prepared. Like I said last night, it's a personal thing.""Oh come on," you say, "they must have had scrambled eggs back when you you were around. Heat the pan, dump in oil and spices, and fluff the eggs in a bowl with milk or cream.""Hmm," Lucy says, as he takes instructions on making scrambled eggs from you. And the Devil's doing a decent job."So what's the black box?" he asks, gesturing at the microwave while his mess of eggs cooks."Told you," you say, "rave party with short EM beams that get the polar molecules dancing. And I'd guess something in my library talked about that.""So that's how - " he starts, "you know, I'm having a lot of trouble telling science fiction from actual fiction.""And I'm having a lot of trouble telling legends from history," you tell him, "and you should flip that before it burns.">Then Sue walks in>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily>Could you help me with that?>Then Madison walks in>WRITE IN
>>3289916>>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily
>>3289916>>Then Madison walks in
>>3289916>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily
>>3289916>Then Madison walks in>Then Melon walks in, very drowsily
>>3289916"I will flip it before it burns," Lucy says, "I've done this on sun-baked stones. They need a bit more time."Then you look past Lucy, very intent on the frying pan, to see Melon poke her head into the kitchen, surrounded by a veritable halo of glowing golden hair."Bregfahst?" she asks, clinging to the the pillar separating the kitchen from the living room, seeming half asleep."Ten minutes," Lucy says without looking up from the stove."D'we ged a sheff?" Melon asks you, and any doubts you'd had last night night about her slamming herself with sleeping pills are utterly confirmed. She can't manage a coherent sentence.You rush over to support her, saying "hey, you ok?""'m fahn, dad," Melon tells you, slumping into your arms."There are many anesthetics," Lucy shoots at her from the corner of his mouth, his eyes never leaving the frying pan."You shmell grheat," Melon murmurs, pressing her face into you, "wanna," she continues, slurring her words awfully, "shhit, yer me dad. Wanna go anyway?"Ok. whatever she grabbed from the medicine cabinet was probably in good faith. This hangover or still intoxicated shit is far over the fucking line.>No. You're still out of it>I'm just going to hold you down on a couch until you figure this the hell out>Why don't you go back to bed? I'm betting you still feel sleepy>Breakfast in ten minutes. What do you think Liska'd do if she found you like this?>Breakfast in ten minutes. Go tell your mother>WRITE IN
>>3290063>>No. You're still out of it>Why don't you go back to bed? I'm betting you still feel sleepy>I'll save you a plate.
>>3290063>>No. You're still out of it>>I'm just going to hold you down on a couch until you figure this the hell out
>>3290063>>No. You're still out of it>>Breakfast in ten minutes. Go tell your mother
>>3290063>No. You're still out of it>Why don't you go back to bed? I'm betting you still feel sleepy
>>3290063>No. You're still out of it>Go sit on the couch before you fall on the floor.
>>3290063>>Breakfast in ten minutes. What do you think Liska'd do if she found you like this?
>>3290063"No," you say, probably less stridently than merited, but managing to get your hands on Melon's shoulders, "you're still out of it. Why don't you go back to bed?""whith ya?" Melon asks, slurring the words but otherwise all too quick on the uptake."No," you tell her, as you force your daughter to walk backward through the hallway, "by yourself, like you did last night.""'Dun't remembeh that'," she says with a slack tongue as the two of you manage to walk back into her bedroom, "buht ya shmell amayshin'," she breathes, nuzzling against you."I think you're still half asleep, so just get back into bed," you tell you daughter, as her hands - "and what d'ya think you mother'd do if she found you like this?" you say.Melon staggers back, as if crushed under some sort of supernatural pressure. Then you look at the bunk you spent the night in, and realize how your mother-in-law qualified to be a goddess."KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN!" thunders through your mind amidst a flurry of tails, and you only barely manage to keep Melon from hitting the floor."Can we please not wreck the house?" you ask, looking up at the many-tailed supernatural atop the bunks. No, looking up at your wife, "can you help her""Hey, Melon," Liska says, utterly ignoring you after coming down off of the bunk, "that's your dad.""Dun cahr," Melon says, after her mother grabs her, "he smehls ahwsaome. I wahnt him!"You and Liska share a truly awful look of 'not in the books about parenting, was it?'."You good for this?" you ask."Unless you're going to say she's the younger hotter version of me," Liska fires back with eyes like sniper scopes."Hell no," you say, and Melon whines, "I just hope she doesn't remember any of this. Are you coming off?""I think so," Liska says after a moment, "you mind letting us have a bit of mother-daughter talk?""If you're not violent about it," you say, stepping out of the room.You can vaguely hear Lucy talking literature with Madison in the kitchen.>Kitchen. You need breakfast>Master Suite. You need a suit>Ellie's guest bedroom. You need to make sure they're cool - and maybe need some advice>Back into Melon's room. You need to be there for this>FREEBLES!>WRITE IN
>>3290322>>Kitchen. You need breakfast
>>3290322>Kitchen. You need breakfast>FREEBLES!
>>3290322>Kitchen. You need breakfastCONSUME THE FLESH OF THE FALLEN ANGELS- I mean scrambled eggs and bacon.
>>3290322>>Kitchen. You need breakfast>FREEBLES!
>>3290322You breathe out a large sigh as you head back toward the kitchen. Breakfast is probably what you need to get through the day.Then you realize what Lucifer's been doing."How many omelettes did you make?" you ask the fallen angel."I was messing around," he says, with a face like a sheep, "this gas burner stuff - damn, that's incredible!""But your opinion on Stevenson is even more ridiculous," Madison says from one end of the peninsula.Wait, when did she get in here?"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a poignant work on the duality and foibles of the human condition!" Lucy says while flipping one more omelette, then scraping it onto a plate in front of you."And don't get me started on Treasure Island or The Beach of Falesa!" Satan continues, before handing you a very good plate, "and yes," he says, leaning toward Madison, "The Brothers Karamazov is probably a full-on better work with more developed characters. That doesn't change the fact that Stevenson is a great author."You're not quite getting all of this, but the fallen angel can apparently cook. You dig in, and mostly ignore their dialogue until Madison asks: "What about Milton?""I confess," Lucy says, turning back to the stove, "I haven't read it. Personal reasons.""By the way," Madison says, looking at you, "who is this guy?">Lucifer>I just keep scraping up people>Ok, Lucy, how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?>Lucy, you ok with me telling her?>WRITE IN
>>3290456>The Universe's first rebellious teenager
>>3290456>>Lucy, you ok with me telling her?if it's ok>>Luciferif not>>A man of Wealth and Taste
>>3290456>He can't read Milton for personal Reasons >We found him out in between dimensions>He has white hair, is unfamiliar with most modern conveniences and Won't eat anything cooked be a high priest.>Guess
>>3290456>>I just keep scraping up people>>Ok, Lucy, how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?
>>3290456>The Universe's first rebellious teenager>Ok, Lucy, how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?
>>3290456 I wonder if o u r will give people Buffs.>The Universe's first rebellious teenager>Ok, Lucy, how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?
>>3290580 I meant to say cooking
>>3290456"So, you ok with me giving hints?" you ask, and cock a quizzical eyebrow at Lucy. He meets your eyes and give a devil-may-care shrug."We rescued with out in the spheres," you tell Madison, "he's got white hair, is still learning some of our modern conveniences, and won't eat anything cooked by a priest - of any religion. Want three guesses?"Madison turns back toward Lucifer and asks "so is 'Lucy' just a diminutive?"Even the Devil can't quite hide his smile. She got him on the first try. You'd give a high-five to him the day after, if you were his wingman.But you're not, and it's breakfast time. And - well, it's less screwy than your own family situation on every side."So that's why you didn't go through Milton or Dante," Madison says, "I was wondering why those volumes were still on the shelves after you'd slammed everything else.""γύναι," Lucy says, "uh, actually, sorry, there's no good equivalent in English that doesn't sound awful, I just chose not to read them. For rather," he says, narrowing his eyes, "obvious reasons.""Now I want you to read them," Madison says with an unfortunate smirk on her face, "and review them.""Look," Lucy says, leaning across the counter at her, "I don't think you really want that. You just want," he says, getting back to the stove, "to know if I'm really like that. Really the universe's first rebellious teenager. Sorry," he cuts back at her under his lashes, "I'm about six thousand years too old for all that," then he continues cooking."I'm taken," Madison says, extremely levelly, "but I'd like to write the real biography of Satan, The Prince of Darkness, and whatever titles you go by now. I heard you're the 'Mourning Star'.""By the way," you ask, hoping to defuse things, "how the hell did you go through that much of my library in one night?""I read very quickly," Lucy says, "by the way, I'm doing breakfast for how many people?""Fifteen," you say, "or so.">Why don't you you come by the office with me?>No, you're a guest - I'm going to cook some of that>You all have fun - I'm heading out to the office>WRITE IN
>>3290708>>Why don't you you come by the office with me?This is a terrible idea but I can't fucking help it.
>>3290708>>Why don't you you come by the office with me?Bernie: "IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?!""If your asking me if I really brought Lucifer to work then yes I did Jormungandr. Think of all the legal consultation he could offer us once he's up to date on modern law!"
>>3290708>>Why don't you you come by the office with me?I fully support plugging Lucy into our business life. Especially when we are dealing with gods and whatever other "legal" shenanigans they haul in with them.
>>3290708>>Why don't you you come by the office with me?
>>3290708>Why don't you you come by the office with me?>Meet my Gay Dragon boss and help me deal with mortal coin and mortal soul exchanges and all that blech.
>>3290708"Unless you want to come by the office with me," you finish. The mix in your house is still dangerous as hell, but you don't want Lucifer in it....And if Mary's sleeping in this much, you're definitely not getting a suit out of your closet."Sounds great," the Devil says, plating one more omelette.You'd like to kiss Liska goodbye or something, but that bedroom seems like a very dangerous place right now. Hopefully Melon won't remember any of that."Hey," you say, putting a hand on Madison's shoulder, "help her keep everything under control, ok?""Sure!" the magical girl says, rather too enthusiastically, then asks your wingman "so, do you do you do autographs?""What language?" Lucy asks her, then fully turns to face her: "everyone around you is more valuable than a signature I could give. Cultivate them.""And don't write my history until I bite it," he says, turning away from her and following you down the hallway."Watch out for the broken glass," you say as the two of you enter the garage and get into the car, "things got interesting last night.""Could you hit 'Sympathy for the Devil'?," Lucy asks as he gets settled into his seat."Sure," you tell him, as the garage door goes up, "but what'll puzzle them is the nature of our game - why are you coming in with me?">You're a new intern>You're a prospective hire>You're a prospective client>WRITE IN
>>3290860>>You're a new intern
>>3290860>You're a prospective client
>>3290860>>Your a prospective legal consultant
>>3290910+1 Please, I beg of you.
>>3290860>You're a prospective legal consultant
>>3290860"We'll figure it out on the way there," Lucy says.Then the speakers slam in, as you pull out of the garage."PLEASED TO MEET YOU!""HOPE YOU GUESSED MY NAME!"Damn, singing the Stones' crazy paean with the demon it was written for gives a certain frisson.Somehow Lucy manages to slam the repeat button on you car's stereo."WOO! WOO!""WOO! WOO!"...does this guy have the same sort of traffic diverting power D. Onassis showed off?You wonder about letting Lucy off at the front entrance, but decide that the staff parking garage would be a better idea."So we need to make sure we don't show off supernatural power in here," you say, before getting out of the car."I won't have to," Lucy tells you, straightening his collar, "this place stinks of the magic of laws."Wait, what?"Scalpels in a knife fight," Lucy whispers, "that's how law works. You had some interesting stuff on your shelf.""Hey!" Frank yells at you, holding the elevator, "get in, man!""Oh, and who's this guy?" Frank asks as you scramble in with Lucy."Louis Cypher," Lucy says, proffering a business card, "I was brought on for some accounts that might need my services. I'm a dab hand with contracts.""Some of the stuff I'm dealing with got rough," you say, fixing Frank with your eyes - >It got rough in the DOJ way>So much that we had to bring a lawyer onboard>We're going to court in New York in six months>Frank, Lucy. Lucy, Frank.>I'm afraid it's just another of Bernie's whims>WRITE IN
>>3291036>>So much so that we had to bring one hell of a lawyer onboard
>>3291036Also Haiku you disappoint me so much in not posting the song inside the update.
>>3291036>So much that we had to bring a lawyer onboard
>>3291036"So much so that we had to bring one Hell of a lawyer on board," you say."Sounds like the 'special accounts' aren't much fun," Frank says."You're lucky you're not on them," you say, as the elevator bells ding, and another set of people get on, "it's not a fun life.""Hey," Lucy says, leaning back in a corner of the elevator and looking at Frank, "I'd recommend either divorcing her or making her love you before she kills you for the insurance money."Then the door opens for your floor, and you run out with Lucy. Frank's not quite fit enough to chase you."What the hell was that?" you ask Lucy as you run down the corridor."His honest fears," Lucy says, "where's your office?"You almost barrel into Bernie's secretary, but manage to not quite bowl her over."Bernie wants you in the South Conference Room - now," she says, then whispers "I think he's been up all night.""Thanks," you tell her, then look back at a grinning Lucifer, "well, here we go. You're a lawyer now - act like one.""So," Lucy drawls, "double-billing clients for time?""Something like that," you whisper to him as you stride down the halls, "we're about to meet Jormungandr. Does THAT mean anything to you?""Yes," Lucy says, with a dark look in him eyes, "yes it DOES."But by that time, your hand is already open the conference room. It's a nice, normal place with one window overlooking the city.Bernie is chattering on his phone, and Heinrich is - wait. This is the first time you've seen Heinrich on company premises."Do take a seat," the knight says.So you do, with The Devil at your right hand. Bernie looks incredibly irascible as he hangs up the phone."Who's this fucker?" Bernie asks, skewering Lucy with his glare.>He deals in satellite law>I figured I should start bringing my lawyer to meetings>Who do you think?>He's a lawyer well-versed in the areas I'm currently dealing with.>WRITE IN
>>3291314>He's an expert whose services I have acquired.>He already knows about all the shit in general so don't be afraid to talk about particulars.
>>3291314>>I figured I should start bringing my lawyer to meetings>>He's a lawyer well-versed in the areas we are currently dealing with.>>Who do you think?
>>3291314>>He's a Man Of Wealth And Taste that I met while traveling The Spheres. I'll give you three guesses and two of them don't count.
>>3291314>He's a lawyer well-versed in the areas I'm currently dealing with.I love that we've just... taken the literal devil on as a lawyer.
>>3291384Hey, if your going to have one, why not make sure their the best?
>>3291314>Accidentally broke him out of a two thousand year imprisonment. I figured you would want to meet him and sort things out with each other.>Having him as a new lawyer in special accounts or a client seem the two least dangerous options.
>>3291452Oh and I'd also like to consider setting up an account for Mary after checking up on our policies. I ended up being made her heirophant so I may have to confess a conflict on interest on that file in particular if/when it's up and running.
>>3291314"A lawyer who's an expert in what we're dealing with," you tell him, "I take it that we're not doing strictly financial business, since Heinrich's here?""Then I can ask you the question I wanted to in front of him?" Bernie asks, as Heinrich gets up and bars the door. This really isn't looking good."Of course," you say, "I hope he could be a great addition to the firm.""Well," Bernie says, leaning back into his chair, "the problem is that I have is question for you: where are the Kings in the Mountains? If someone's going to crash the universe, they should be coming out of the woodwork.""The kings in the mountains?" you ask."Yes," Heinrich says, standing behind Bernie, "if someone is really about to collapse the universe, Arthur, Theseus, Charlemagne, Fionn, St. John, Bernardo Carpio, Kūkai, Merlin, Montezuma, El Cid, and all the rest should be coming out of the woodwork to resist it.">Maybe they already woke up and are just leading normal lives>Maybe they need a better alarm clock>I'm sorry, the great Jormungandr can't deal with it all on his own?>Maybe that's all bullshit and we need to do it ourselves>Next you're going to tell me it's the end of the world because Elvis didn't show up>WRITE IN
>>3291529>>Maybe that's all bullshit and we need to do it ourselves
>>3291529>>If you cant feel it coming, how is every other mythical jackoff who's hibernating for the end-times? Or maybe that's all bullshit. Either way we need to do it ourselves
>>3291529>That's the issue, With the rats everything might very well end up fucked and nobody gets to play there big part in the whole collapse of the universe. Not to say there might be even more things out there fucking shit up and ruining everything.>Maybe that's all bullshit and we need to do it ourselves
>>3291529>>Why the fuck are you asking me? In case you forgot, I got into this magical stuff like a month and a half ago, how man I supposed to know why all these dead guys aren't showing up?>>Ask my lawyer he'd probably know more then me.
>>3291529>shrug, I guess we're not there yet
>>3291529>My guess? Sealed somewhere while someone else pretends to be them.
>>3291529I am told that I have accidentally stopped at least 6 apocalypses within the last month or two. I guess they're a bit fatigued fro all of the "false alarms?"
>>3291529"Maybe that's all bullshit," you say, then look Bernie straight in those horribly reptilian eyes, "and we need to do it ourselves. Seems like the rats snuck under everyone's radar."For once in your life, you get to see Satan himself absolutely dumbstruck.Then Bernie's phone starts ringing. He chucks it into the middle of the table on speakerphone."Oi!" it says, "who in the Hell is this?""Jormungandr," Bernie says."The Devil," Lucy says, giving Bernie the "who the Hell is this guy?" look."A flower of Swabian Chivalry," Heinrich says."A concerned father," you chime in."Then I'm King Arthur," the voice on the phone says, "standard joke I pull on telemarketers, but you bastards don't sound like that. What are you selling?""Where's Merlin?" Lucy suddenly says."Ask Nimue," 'Arthur' says, "he's either trapped in an oak or a cave near Glastonbury. How did you bloody bastards get this number?"Everyone around the table gives a savage grin."Mr. Pendragon," Bernie says, "I've kept tabs on you ever since you left Avalon in the forties.""I thought Churchill and Roosevelt sewed that one up," the voice on the phone says, "Britain's Darkest Hour - and there was nothing I could do but get drafted! It was best for me to fade into obscurity afterward.""Well," Bernie says, looking at you, "you may have proved your point.""What point?" the phone says, "where are you bastards?""America," Heinrich says, "and we were having a debate about the kings in the mountains. Ok, Benhard, you win," he tells the dragon."He was the easiest to find," Bernie says, "'Pendragon' is not a common surname.""What in the Hell is going on?" the voice from the phone yells, "I swear on every relic in my realm you idiots are worse than Merlin!">Who else came out of their mountains? We might have a darker hour for you now>We might need to dig up Merlin>Excuse me, you're King Arthur? What the hell have you been doing?>Someone's trying to crash the universe>Bernie, why the hell do you have Britain's most famous king on speed dial?>WRITE IN
>>3291788>>Who else came out of their mountains? We might have a darker hour for you now>>We might need to dig up MerlinThose other options would just be us being cheeky.
>>3291788>Who else came out of their mountains? We might have a darker hour for you now>Someone's trying to crash the universe
>>3291788I've accidentally stopped a dozen apocalypses in the last month and the spheres are due to crash thanks to the rats making an artificial heaven pretty soon. Apparently you and the other kings of the mountain are supposed to be putting a stop to that sort of thing instead.
>>3291788>>Who else came out of their mountains? We might have a darker hour for you now
>>3291788>>Say Your Majesty, does a Complete Sphere Collapse sounds worse then World War 2 to you, cause it sure does to me, and that's the threat on the horizon now.
>>3291788Why can't I help but hear King Arthur with a heavy Irish/Celtic/Scottish accent?
>>3291842It's only natural despite him being Welsh.
>>3291788>>3291802+1, may as well cut to the chase.
>>3291788"A darker hour," you say, "you know anyone else who came out of their mountains?""A darker hour?" King Arthur Metal Gears at you, then you hear the unmistakable muffled tones of someone yelling while holding their hand over the mouthpiece of a phone, "Fionn! Charles! Sid! Get in here - there are strange happenings afoot! Remember those quests? YEAH IT'S LIKE THAT! THEY SAY IT'S A DARKER HOUR! NO, IT'S NOT A VIDEO CALL - YOU DON'T NEED TO DO YOUR HAIR!"There's a rather confused scuffling noise at the other end of the line, and everyone around the table at your end of the call looks around.Bernie mutes his phone and says "I didn't realize they were sharing an apartment."That's probably the most shamefaced you've ever seen your boss."Does make sense," Heinrich says, "who else would understand them?" then bites back anything else as Arthur pipes back up again:"Still there?" he asks, "had ta get my roommates in on this - what's the quest? Did the Questing Beast show back up? Is it the Holy Grail again?"Bernie unmutes his phone."No," you say, because everyone seems to be looking at you to say something, "it's rats. Magic rats.""Cazador de ratas!?" you hear from the other end of the line, "Madre de Dios! No!" "Look, Sid, let's hear him out!" "No! La Hostias!"The line goes silent - it's been muted at the other end....and everyone's looking at you again."They're over six feet tall," you say, "and can punch like a brick shithouse!"Somehow, the phone on the other end get unmuted."Six foot tall rats?" a voice asks, "incredible! That sounds like the kind of quests I'd send my knights on! Wish I still had my paladins. Arthur, Cid, let's listen to these guys!"Heinrich mutters something that's swallowed in the sounds of violence from the other end of the phone.>Enlist them in an assault on the rats>Enlist them as backup for when you go in on the rats - protecting the girls>Ask Heinrich what his deal is>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions>WRITE IN
>>3291974>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions
>>3291974>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusionsAs soon as we mention Lucy they might join on their own.
>>3291974>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions
>>3291974>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusionsIts not a quest thats afoot, its a crusade.
>>3291974>>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions>They have managed to evade wizards, dragons, demons, fallen angels, actual angels, Youkai, Land deities, the faerie, and pretty much all the pantheons. They have been collecting enough magical energy for who knows how long, are masters of rule magic, shapeshifters, and stealing from the cycle of reincarnation.
>>3291974>Give these guys the whole story and let them draw their own conclusions>Ask Heinrich what his deal is
>>3291974Then you give the full story to four men you can can only describe as 'The Kings In The Mountains'. Arthur, Charlemagne, Fionn, and El Cid."...and they've managed to evade wizards, dragons, demons, fallen angels, actual angels, Youkai, Land deities, the faerie, and pretty much all the pantheons. They have been collecting enough magical energy for who knows how long, are masters of rule magic, shapeshifters, and stealing from the cycle of reincarnation," you finally finish."Putain oui!" Charlemagne says, "we have all fought such! We have all conquered such! I wish you had your knights of the Round Table and my Paladins, Arthur, but we are going to - wait a second, voices on the phone. We are not going to be in the van, are we?""No," you say, "you'll play a more important part - we will destroy the rats commanding in their spheres beyond the heavens, while you restrain the rats on earth, to make sure that they don't become feudal lords worse than their kings.""Hmm," someone on the other end says, "suppressing vassals - is that really our lot?""YES!" someone else says, "because we are heroes, not soldiers!""What?""The strength of a hero is to gather other around us - come on, how many of the knights of the Round Table could Arthur have defeated? How many of my paladins could I have defeated? Our strength is in gathering those who can do what we can't around us!""...And you're all living in a small flat in London, paying the rent with part-time jobs," Bernie says."Oi'm fuckhin sahrry," Arthur slangs at him, "buht we're from an age when physical might made right. I've been trying to adjust for sixty years! Hasn't worked out, really. So shut yer lizard gibbet and get on with killing the rats! We'll back you up! Naow, Charles, whatabout getting some more paladins?"Then the line cuts.>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?>I have accounting to do>I'm taking all my PTO - I have a very large fish to fry.>Write in
>>3292121>>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion >>I'm getting way to used to that. >>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?
>>3292121>>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion>>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?
>>3292121>I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion>Well, Bernie, are you in or out?
>>3292121"I think we've just set some terrifying forces in motion," you say, leaning back into the cheap conference room chair."You can say that again," Bernie and Heinrich tell you almost in chorus, the Heinrich goes on, "Charlemagne is going to recruit a new set of paladins. Hey, Bernie," he says, looking at the dragon, "mind if I join up?""Yes," the dragon says, "I do need you.""You know what that meant," Heinrich says, "being the very flower of the Holy Roman Empire's chivalry.""And you said you'd thrown all that away," Bernie tosses back at him as you stand up from your chair."Bernie," you say, cutting through the conversation, "are you in or out?"The conference room should be illuminated by the rising sun, but it's dark as Hell. You know. You've been there."Are you threatening me?" the dragon asks you."No," you tell him, very honestly, "not in the daytime. But I want to know what side you're on for this one.""I," Bernie says, chucking his feet up on the conference table, "don't really have a side. As long as the rats do business with me, as long as their... victims do - who cares?"He's baiting you, He's got to be baiting you."I'm getting used to that," you say, "but this one's interesting. The rats may take your monopoly on ending the world. You ok with that?"That's one of the few times you've actually managed to shut your boss up.>Co-operate with me>Eat me, and see it it gets better>I like this arrangement about as much as you , but I guess we should keep going>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?>"In the daytime", hey?>You're mine, or you die>Just walk away>WRITE IN
>>3292378>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?
>>3292378>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?>>Hey Heinrich, remind me to buy you a beer, and get that story about 'being the very flower of the Holy Roman Emprie's Chivalry' later. Sounds like one hell of a story.
>>3292378>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?>leave and get some work done. Call your wife when it's lunch time.
>>3292378>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?
>>3292378 #>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?I thought this quest was gone for good.
>>3292378>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?PLEASED TO MEET YOU, HOPE YOU GUESSED MY NAME!
>>3292378>>>3292378>>>Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?Bernie's going to get a few offers he can't refuse.
>>3292378"Why do you think I brought a lawyer in?" you ask.The look on Bernie's face is priceless when Lucifer says "אל תפחד!""ég óttast þig ekki," the dragon says, "أنا لا أخاف منك أو من الموت!""Great," Lucy tells him, "that makes this all easier. But I just had to say it.""Can we stick to English?" the dragon asks, leaning back, "it's just going to be easier for everyone. And you're a lawyer? I should have guessed.""More of a prosecutor," Lucy says, "I'm sure you've read my cases.""I recall you losing most of them," Bernie says, "so," he continues, looking at you, "would you like to explain WHY IN THE HELL Lucifer is sitting beside you?""Figured I'd just gather everyone who's supposed to end the world," you say, "actually, we just sort of picked him up like a hitchhiker."Bernie puts his head in his hands and sighs."With you," he says, "I actually believe that's how it happened. Fine. I guess I'm in," he finishes, then punches a few button on the conference phone."Hello?" his secretary says after half a ring."Frank. To the South Conference Room. Now," Bernie says and hangs up, "well, gentlemen and gentlemen, if I'm in - we're making this a real war, because if it's anything less, we're going to get stomped.""It's usually better to phrase it as a 'policing action'," Lucy opines from beside you, "'war' is bad for PR.""They can complain when they're dead," Bernie says, "doesn't matter what you call it - everyone gets burnt in the end.""You'd know about that," Heinrich says, "are we really...?""Oh yes," the dragon says, suddenly standing up, "we are going to war. It's time for World War Three!"Then there's a knock at the door. This is moving far too fast for you to take it all in."Come in," Bernie says, and Frank walks through, still jovially unflappable."You needed something?" he says."Yes," Bernie tells him, "I believe you understand that we have a number of sensitive accounts," and Frank nods, "I need every piece of information that could realistically be used for blackmail on them, and I need it TONIGHT. Feel free to grab anyone you want from other divisions.""What the fuck?" Frank asks, then cowers as Bernie flares supernatural pressure at him. You can almost see the horrifying monster behind your boss' face."There's been an issue," Bernie says, as the tension ratchets down by degrees, "and we need a little leverage on a lot of people. Shouldn't be too hard to get, given the rather... tangled nature of their businesses."Lucy's positively grinning, while Frank scrambles to find words.>Hold the phone - what the Hell are you doing, Bernie?>Do we need the government, too?>Frank, it's just a preparation. We happen to be working with some dangerous people>Bernie, I think it may be a good idea to start guarding the employees' houses if this is what we're doing>WRITE IN
>>3295119>Hold the phone - what the Hell are you doing, Bernie?>Do we need the government, too?>Frank, it's just a preparation. We happen to be working with some dangerous people
>>3295119>>Do we need the government, too?>>Frank, it's just a preparation. We happen to be working with some dangerous people
>>3295119>Frank, it's just a preparation. We happen to be working with some dangerous people>Bernie, I think it may be a good idea to start guarding the employees' houses if this is what we're doing
>>3295119>I'm gonna let Kelly know I may have started world war three. I doubt he wants to deal with a munitions shortage.>It's probably a good bet to keep him living. I vaguely remember him being run through by Jesus as one of the conditions to making a new heaven and hell. Him dying might be a prerequisite sacrifice the rats need to get their plan done if whatever imposters he has don't count.
>>3295119"Frank," you say, "it's just a precaution - we're working with some dangerous people.""So that's why you brought a lawyer," Frank says, "how dangerous are we talking?""I'm going to be providing security forces for all of our employees' houses until this blows over," Bernie says, "and I need our clients on board to fight - it's in their best interests, but they need a bit of prompting.""Do we need the government, too?" you ask."Once everything's in gear," Bernie says, looking at you, "but I except some very high turnover. Your sister's a mover and a shaker."Frank looks utterly baffled."Frank," Bernie says, looking at the luckless man, "frankly, I need enough dirt on every account you're dealing with to get mobs on five continents MOVING. Can you do that?"Here it is. He should have known-"Think I can't?" Frank says, "ok, which ones do you need?""All of them," Bernie tells him, "we're going hard. This is a preparation - we need them all to fight something even worse.""What?" Frank asks, showing more spine than you've ever seen through his coat."Magic rats," Heinrich deadpans, "Bernie, you're going to give them a target list, right?""And one fuckload of demons," the dragon says, then gestures at Frank with a slack hand, "too. You're on special accounts now.""Look," Frank says, then sees Bernie for what he is, and the wings unfurling from Lucy, "OK," he goes on, "just keep my family safe.""Oh, take a seat at the table," Bernie says, "Frank, Lucifer. Frank, Heinrich. Frank, the douchebag. Frank, Jormungandr," he finishes, gesturing at himself."I'd prefer to stand," Frank says.Lucy starts laughing, then say "that's why I love you idiots.""We should have a day," you say, relishing Frank's confusion, "so I guess my next directive is doing the same to all the gods?" you ask Bernie."Yes," Bernie says, "and grab Kelly, too. We're going hard.">And we're going to kill rats>Is this really necessary?>I have some wizards to gather>I hope you know what you're doing>I guess I'm writing up that document>WRITE IN
>>3295436>>And we're going to kill rats>>I have some wizards to gather>>I guess I'm writing up that document
>>3295436>And we're going to kill rats>I guess I'm writing up that document>I have some wizards to gather
>>3295436"And we're going to kill rats," you say, as Frank's face gets painted with varying shades of 'excuse me, what the fuck?'"Guess I'm writing that document," you say, "are we really grabbing every syndicate we do accounting for to wreck the rats?" you ask Bernie."Of course," the dragon says, then his phone starts going off, "sorry, I should probably take this," he says, fishing it out of his pocket."No.""Sphere crash - and I'm not doing it.""Get in the car and buckle the fuck up!""It's a goddamn metaphor, not a slip because you hooked me! No, I'm not starting that shit - and I couldn't. I don't have Fenris! I don't KNOW where he went!""Sorry about that," Bernie says, sliding his phone back into his pocket, "Frank, all the blackmail. Every last piece of it. We are fighting a war here!""I can get your wife back," Lucy says to nobody in particular, "if you do it.""Sorry I'm late. Good morn...ing?" Reynold says as he barges through the door into the tense atmosphere."Just the fucker I needed," you tell him, "call in every favor we have with those gods. Blackmail for every favor we don't have.""What the Hell is happening?" Frank asks."I'm a dragon," Bernie tells him, the pressure rising, "and I told you what to do!"...judging by Frank's face, he saw the same horrifying maw that you did in that moment. He hares out of the room."I've got some wizards to gather," you say, rising from the table, "I guess we're the van?""Yes," Bernie says, "and we have to move FAST. Demons and rats are going to crush us if we don't.">You have a lot of calls to make>Tell Frank "you get used to it">Are we really starting World War Three here?>We have a day - let's coordinate everyone>WRITE IN
>>3295545>>You have a lot of calls to make>>Tell Frank "you get used to it">>We have a day - let's coordinate everyone
>>3295545>You have a lot of calls to make>Tell Frank "you get used to it">We have a day - let's coordinate everyone
>>3295545"We need to coordinate this," you say, "and I think we have most of a day to do it. They're not going to grab a new Round Table in an hour.""Don't underestimate those guys," Bernie says, "I wouldn't be surprised if Arthur and Charlemagne had a set of knights and Fionn woke the Fianna within three hours. And that's not even counting the other kings in the mountains they might grab. Charles was right - heroes just draw people to them like iron filings to a magnet. By the way, does that sound familiar?""Doesn't matter," you say, "I've got some calls to make," and you step out of the conference room."Hello," W answers, "do you ha-""W," you say, "we're going in hot on the rats. Freebles should help."Then you cut the line."Good morning, Kelly Edwards," a different voice says, "how can I help you get rid of your problems?""We're going in hot on the rats," you say, as you walk past cubicles. You hear an oddly confused conversation around him, and hang up.Always leave them wanting more."The fug's going ahn?" James manages to mutter through early-morning malaise."Ratcatching," you say, "you in or out?""Ahm in, I'm in," he says, "when and where?""Probably tonight," you say, "maybe earlier. Coordinate with W and Kelly. We're going to war!"You cut the call and see Frank by the Waters (well, the Water Cooler) Of Babylon."You get used to it," you tell Frank, putting a hand on his shoulder, "if it all works out, you'll get a damn fun story to tell your grandchildren.""Gods?" Frank asks, "threatening the - those guys?""Welcome to the special accounts," you say."Man," Frank says, "I'm going to die. the cartels don't take kindly to this sort of thing.">Well, we'll see about getting you into a good afterlife>We are fighting a war, Frank. And don't think the government's going to save you - you've seen too much>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word>Those guys are going to get wiped out - it won't matter>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?>WRITE IN
>>3295731>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?>Don't worry though the goverment is being called in on it as well.
>>3295731>>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word>>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?
>>3295731>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?>Our boss is the fuckign world serpent dude.
>>3295731>>>My lawyer and my sister handle afterlife assignations. I can put in a good word>>Frank, we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers?
>>3295731In b4 Frank's last name is Castle>Frank, we do accounting for gods.It should be a little easier for you than most to try and negotiate the afterlife you want before you die. >You love your wife Frank? A sphere crash is basically the end of everything. Heaven gone, Hell gone, Earth is just far enough away to mean we get every unfathomable monstrosity to ever exist or not exist panicking in mass chaos before we bite it too. If you can't do it for yourself or your boss, then make sure you and the kids don't have to deal with that.Does Frank have kids?>If you can say you died telling the rats to fuck themselves you might be able to negotiate an upgrade to a luxury suite. Those guys have been robbing them blind so it could count as a favor of some sort?
>>3295833>You love your wife Frank? A sphere crash is basically the end of everything. Heaven gone, Hell gone, Earth is just far enough away to mean we get every unfathomable monstrosity to ever exist or not exist panicking in mass chaos before we bite it too. If you can't do it for yourself or your boss, then make sure your wife and the kids don't have to deal with that.Does Frank have kids?Gah Typo.
>>3295731"I'm not going to ask about the accounts you've been dealing with," you say, wondering what the grand dragon's been putting Frank on, "but I'll tell you two things.""These had better be two really good things!" Frank says."Frank," you tell him, "we do accounting for GODS. You think we can't protect you from some two-bit 1911-pumping gangbangers? Or cocksuckers with shotguns and ARs? You think they're going to be able to get in on you past a fucking Minotaur?""And if you do bite it," you say, "ask for 'Ellie' when you get to Hell. Tell her I sent you. Things might go a bit better after that.""What's going on here?" Frank asks, "no, really, what the fuck is happening?""Welcome to the Special Accounts," you say, "I hope you don't enjoy your stay. If you do, there's something wrong with you," and you drop your voice to whisper, pulling Frank toward you, "every legend you've ever heard is real," you whisper in his ear, "I'm sorry. But some of them will help you out."Frank staggers back.Then you realize why the first thing every angel says is "DO NOT FEAR" or "אל תפחד".Frank's kneeling in front of you - hell, did you accidentally flare your borrowed supernatural power?"We are about to fight a war for the universe, Frank," you say, "and I want you and yours to come out on the other side.""What the fuck are you?" Frank asks.>A concerned father>A man who needs to call his wife>At this point, I'm not sure. But I'm scarier than any of your accounts>I'm an accountant>WRITE IN
>>3295862>>A concerned father who needs to call his wife.
>>3295862>a concerned father that needs to call his wifeOH NO WE'RE SPEAKING AND THINKING IN THE FIRST TONGUE
>>3295862I'm your coworker. What's with the kneeling? I'm gonna call my wife and let her know that WWIII is about to start. And tell your daughters to not make any deals with anything until after this is over incase the rats try to use them as a hostage. If you saw the crap they tricked girls into signing contracts for you'd be just as paranoid as I'm being right now.That cocksuckers with shotguns thing was kinda dumb considering we're an old dude with a shotgun and we've taken out several apocalypses. A random dude/everyman warrior from nowhere turning out to be unstoppable is pretty standard and it could easily be some random guy from MS13.
>>3295923you forget we had a rat in our pocket handing us magical buckshot to put the smackdown on everything we have come across. I'm pretty sure a regular dude with a shotgun would at best tickle half the people we interact with on a daily basis.
>>3295862>I'm only human. A Concerned Father who needs to call his wife to check on his daughter.
>>3295862>A concerned father who needs to call his wife.
>>3295949The most popular humans and gods are commonly tricksters. It's not the shotgun that's the danger. It's the person holding it and mankind in general likes to be clever when you least expect it. Their profession is almost entirely separate from who they are or thier potential. I'd also argue that anyone that survives supernatural aztec-mexican drug cartel wars for long enough might be decently skilled. Kelly only knows how to stop time for a few seconds and he murders supernatural threats by the truckload.
>>3295862>A man who needs to call his wife
>>3295862>I'm God's chosen high priest.
>>3295862"A concerned father who needs to call his wife," you say, "and I'm sorry about flattening you.""No," Frank says, half-collapsed against the wall, "where do I sign up?""Man," you say, extending a hand to help Frank up, "I'm just your co-worker. Things happened to happen, but I'm no different that the guy you interviewed.""You know," Frank says, taking you hand and standing up, "I actually advised Bernie not to hire you.""Guess the dragon thinks in mysterious ways," you tell him, "and yes, our boss is literally a dragon. That's not just a weird feeling you get off him.""I was wondering about that," Frank says, "so you're just a normal guy?""Yeah," you tell him, "it's not like I'm an Operating Thetan or anything that crazy. I really need to call my wife, though. She's going to be mad as hell if we go start World War Three without her.""So I guess it's blackmail time," Frank says, "and if you think you're anywhere near normal, I'm not sure what 'normal' is.""None of us are," you mutter as he turns away.Then you jack your cellphone out as you walk toward your office, and make the last call."Mhmm?" Liska breathes into the microphone.>We're starting World War Three. Sorry>So Bernie's onboard, and we're about to go really hard>How would you like killing a shitload of rats?>How're thing at the house?>WRITE IN
>>3296062>>How would you like killing a shitload of rats?
>>3295949And you think the rats wouldn't do the same with some cholo to counter us?
>>3296062>We're starting World War Three. Sorry>So Bernie's onboard, and we're about to go really hard>How would you like killing a shitload of rats?>How're thing at the house? Or all of the above
>>3296062>We're starting World War Three. SorryCould you talk woth your side of thr fimaly and get them into it
>>3296087Or some cholo won't have a grandma with magical powers that gave him a good luck charm?King Arthur was apparently working a random part time job in England. Don't underestimate random dudes.
>>3296062>>How're thing at the house?>>By the way, we're starting World War Three. Sorry
>>3296062Tell her to go to the living room and put us on the speaker.
>>3296062Did we just grow angel wings?
>>3296062>So Bernie's onboard, and we're about to go really hardGUESS REMEMBER, WE CAN'T SA IT OVER THE PHONE. THEY MIGHT STILL BE LISTENING.
>>3296062>So Bernie's onboard, and we're about to go really hard>How're thing at the house?
>>3296142Good point.>>3296062>Sphere crashes are apparently bigger deals than I thought. Make sure everyone is as prepared as they can get. I don't want to think that what happened to your brother can still happen, but get prepared anyway. >Call Supafly to let him know to stop by after work. We gotta give him a heads up since he's high on the list of most likely to get fucked by a world war by his superiors.
>>3296062"We're starting World War Three," you say, "I'm sorry."That's probably the most silence you've ever been able to get out of Liska, particularly when not in bed.All you can hear is her breathing, as you tread the hallways."Why?" Liska finally asks, as you make back into your office."How do you feel about killing a shitload of rats?" you ask, "because Bernie's onboard, and he's going hard. I couldn't really stop him."At least that gets a barking laugh."I thought, ok, that's what you meant," Liska says, "oh. Yeah, I'm in!""What about your family?" you ask, opening the door to your office."Hey Haru!" you can hear her yell through a muffled microphone, "Haru! Ellie! you're going to want to hear this! Is Mary up yet?"There's a good bit of confused scuffling on the other end of the line."Lemme conference in Sachio," Liska says, as you collapse into your office's chair. Reynold is still going through files at a horrifying pace." 恐れいります," you hear in a feminine voice after a few rings, and Liska launches in with a veritable buffet of Japanese you can't understand.It's too early in the morning for all of this.How many languages have people hit you with today?Then someone seems to grab the other end of the line, and finally gives a "look, you'd better have a goddamn good reason to call me right now, sister," in Sachio's unmistakable tones."We're on a conference call, Sachio," Liska says, "my husband said he's declaring World War Three against the rats. You in?""And who's that chick who answered first?" Haru asks, which is when you realize Liska's got this on speakerphone in your house....you don't understand any of the crazy words that start flying after that.Probably best."You said something about World War Three, I hear," Ellie slashes across the other conversation. And you could hug her for it.>We need assistance with the rats still on earth>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral>So you got a secretary, Sachio?>So is Mary up yet?>Yo, Hamasaki. Isn't it 1AM there?>WRITE IN
>>3296258>>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral
>>3296258>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral>Yo, Hamasaki. Isn't it 1AM there?
>>3296258>We need assistance with the rats still on earth>We're going to war against the rats - and we might score a few demons as collateral
>>3296258King Arthur has agreed to help. Charlemagne is getting his Knights. And two other people who I can't remember are getting it done. We'll talk after work for The Invasion group.
>>3296292Oh and Bernie is blackmailing gods.
>>3296258"We're going to war against the rats," you say, "and I wanted to know if we could count on you to clean house over there.""I've never eaten one before," Sachio says, "but I'm damn interested in what they taste like.""If you're into raw meat," Freebles says from Liska's side of the call, "they're awesome. Trust me - I know.""Yeah," you say, "he's eaten at least two of them. And we may get some demons as collateral, Ellie. King fucking Arthur, Charlemagne, Fionn, and El Cid are in the ring, and I don't have a clue who they might recruit or wake up.""So it's zero hour?" Ellie asks, suddenly very serious."We said we'd give it a day for everyone to get things together," you say."BUTLER!" Ellie yells, "we're going back in! Grab Rob if he's good to go! Call up the legions! Haru, we're going to continue the tour."You hear an awful growl, and Sachio starts slanging away in Japanese, answered by barking pastiches of his own points. You think....you probably should have expected that.>Don't die, Ellie. Don't let anyone else die>I have problems with this>I hope you've done your number on Japan's government - where's John?>I may need to go home early today>It's 1AM there!>WRITE IN
>>3296327>Don't die, Ellie. Please. >I have problems with this. But I don't see a better solution.>I hope you've done your number on Japan's government - where's John?
>>3296327>>I hope you've done your number on Japan's government - where's John?>>Don't die, Ellie. Don't let anyone else die
>>3296327>I hope you've done your number on Japan's government - where's John?>Kill them before they kill you, Ellie.
>>3296327>Kill them before they kill you, Ellie.
>>3296327"Ellie," you say, thinking as hard as you can about your sister. What can you say?"What?" she asks."I'd ask you to try not to die," you say, then pause, "but I'll just say - KILL THEM ALL BEFORE THEY KILL YOU!"You're rewarded with a laugh. It starts as a demonic cackle, then shades into the sort of laugh you remember her giving back when you were kids."He really is your brother," someone growls into the phone, then you hear a series of yelps, and finally "ok, Liska, you want to go? The ears are PERSONAL!""Can you guys not wreck my house?" you yell."They're having some fun in the backyard," Ellie says, "our kind of fun."You sigh."Sachio," you say."Yes," the youkai tells you, "that's always been a thing with them.""No," you tell him, "we have bigger fish to fry - did you do your number on Japan's government? And where's John?""He's buttering up the Diet," Sachio says, "Reiya, you want to tell him?""We are bringing back the gods of the earth," the shrine maiden says, "do you know about their struggle with the gods of the heavens?""Not really," you say."I am very biased," Reiya says, "but there were gods that walked among us, who taught us things, and gods that stayed in the heavens, but decided they should rule over all under heaven anyway. Even thought they had done nothing to improve the earth. And then there was a war. One - 'Hell Of A War', as you would put it. The gods of heaven won. But we are the people of earth! We raise our fists at them, unless they come down and help us.""I don't have a dog in that fight," you say."But, brother," Sachio says, "you've got three foxes in it."You don't really have a comeback for that."So that's what we're doing," Sachio says, "bringing them back. We can - will kill rats, but we're dealing with a much larger fish. And should they come down from the skies, we'll kill them.">You do you>Wait, you guys are actually going to fight gods?>Why is Hamasaki with you at 1AM?>I think the rats are a more immediate threat. And what if the gods rip your arm off?>WRITE IN
>>3296460>write inLook currently the rats are a bigger problem right now because they want to destroy our world. We can deal with your Heaven Gods later. I'll promise I'll do something with you.
>>3296460>I think the rats are a more immediate threat. >Unless the heavens are in with them, but i really doubt it.
>>3296460>>You do you, but be ready for shit to hit the fan.
I'm out for the night.Twitter (for runtimes): https://twitter.com/HaikuDelugeArchive (for 'how in the hell did we get here?'): http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=ShotgunCharacter/notes sheet (recently updated, but inaccurate): https://pastebin.com/kW127tnvHamasaki Reiya's actually talking about a struggle between two sets of gods in Japanese mythology, and the story of why it happened differs depending on who tells it. The one thing almost everyone agrees on is that Takeminakata (an 'earth' god) got his arm ripped off by Takemikazuchi (a 'heaven' god) during their fight. This is a very broad hint about the geographical location of Sachio's seat, since the 'earth god' shrines celebrate certain days or months quite differently than the other shrines. It made sense to me that Hamasaki would be decidedly on the side of the 'earth gods', since she's wrapped up in the idea of gods that live with their people. Some say that the 'heaven/sky gods' triumphing over the 'earth gods' is a metaphor for the formation and ascendance of the Japanese Imperial court, since they claim to be descended from the 'heaven/sky' gods.
>>3296460>I figured a full sphere crash meant more but those idiots had better not try getting in anyone's way. I see they clearly didn't learn anything from the first time Son Wukong kicked their asses. I'll try to solve my end and then we deal with your taxation without representation problems. I do so happen to work for a god killing dragon that's about to go on a warpath so I'll let him know they should be currently labeled hostile if he decides to personally go up the spheres. Probably not the best idea to be making a call about that on a phone system that uses satellites to transmit info if any of the heaven gods are actually technologically literate.****Something is fucking wonky because I clearly can't separate paragraphs now. I thought I was just forgetting to edit before but now I'm certain 4chan is just mashing everything together.**That's actually semi interesting due to the general cultural idea that the earth can never defeat heaven. This precept being so prevalent is why Suwako is below Kanako despite Suwako clearly being a superior goddess doing most (all) of the work once you look at the situation.
>>3296562>TakemikazuchiOhh intereting. A wikipedia glance shows he's connected with killing a star god during that and said Star is Venus. Venus is connected to Lucifer due to it being the brightest "Star" in the sky. Ergo this fucker is probably on Lucy's hitlist.
Didn't Harriet mention a world War three in one of the timelines?
>>3296597I am so FUCKING hyped that there is no tomorrow.
>>3296460>>I think the rats are a more immediate threat. And what if the gods rip your arm off?
>>3296460"Are we swapping fishing stories?" you ask, "because I hooked Lucifer last night, by accident. And got the goddess I was fishing for, too. I figured a full sphere crash and the rats were a bigger fish than your island frying pan.""Back up a second," Sachio says, "you did what last night?""Grabbed Lucifer and Mary out of the spheres, basically," you say, "and to anyone monitoring this line - Lucy's coming for your head or your boss' heads, no matter how many they have. I broke him out."They did say demons run the government. You've also heard the government's wiretapping everyone for kicks, and if Superfly's intrusion is any indication, you know they've got your number."You know," Sachio says, "I hate that I have to believe that. So - let me guess - we're supposed to suppress any local rats while you go kneecap their boss?""Do you think you can't?" you ask."It's 1AM here," Sachio says, "I hear that's when magical girls go hunting. How many rats do you think we can get out the woodwork if I lead the Hyakki Yagyō out right now?""The whatnow?" you ask."The Night Parade of One Hundred Demons," Reiya says, "I think that is the translation.""And it's not going to just be a hundred," Sachio says, "we've been making alliances, and you're calling out the swords. John's going to give me an endless amount of shit for pulling this, but it sounds like a lot of fun. So we're going to parade. The magical girls and their rats will come out to stop us, then we'll grab the rats. We're going to need someone to bind them, though," you says in a half-muffled voice, like he turned away from the phone.You hear some chittering in Japanese.>It's almost like you read my mind>I take it this has nothing to do with the opportunity you'll have in the confusion?>Wait a second on pulling that trigger - we're going in tonight, not right now. We're gathering our forces>Do you need wizards or something?>WRITE IN
>>3297445>Wait a second on pulling that trigger - we're going in tonight, not right now. We're gathering our forces>Do you need wizards or something?
>>3297445>It's almost like you read my mind>Do you need wizards or something?
>>3297445>>Wait a second on pulling that trigger - we're going in tonight, not right now. We're gathering our forces>>Do you need wizards or something?I'm guessing shrine maidens have ways of binding or sealing magical creatures
>>3297445>Wait a second on pulling that trigger - we're going in tonight, not right now. We're gathering our forces>Do you need wizards or something?We could send them James for a crash course i guess?
>>3297445"Do you need wizards or something?" you ask....more conversation in words you can't understand, but you can feel the escalating emotion.If you'd known your life would end up like this, you would have tried to become quintilingual or something.You have to hold the phone away from your ear for part of it - even if you don't know what they're saying, those two sound like banshees."No," Sachio finally says after things slide down the other side of the mountain, "we're going to grab in every worthwhile priest or monk on these islands.""At 1AM," you say."It will make them pay attention," Reiya chimes in."Wait a second on pulling that trigger," you say, "we're going in tonight - I guess this morning for you guys? Not right now."Sachio laughs as if you'd said something supremely hilarious."Do you know how long it's going to take to get everyone together for this?" he asks, "of course we're not going in now. But we're making those calls right now. Don't you want to see their faces when they get a call from us at 1AM?""That could be funny," Reiya says, matching his language."And your sharp tongue's going to slash a couple throats," Sachio says."Are you seriously going to call them up and say 'yo, riding out with a hundred demons, we need you guys to seal the rats that come out of the woodwork'?" you ask."Something like that," Sachio says, "a little more polite, though. And the guys we really want don't have phones, so we're going to have to get the ones who do to grab them."You're way out of your depth here."If you see King Arthur," you say, "he's with us.""What?" Reiya asks, "I thought King Arthur was a woman."Sachio sighs, and your phone starts ringing again."Sorry," you say, "I probably need to take this."You answer almost mechanically, as you walk back toward the South Conference Room."I'm going to cut right to the chase," a male voice says over the phone, "are you starting a war against the rats? Because I've got some students that need a field trip.""Who are you and how did you get this number?" you ask."Call me 'Earl'," the voice says, "I happen to be teaching magic to a bunch of kids. An old friend said he was calling in a favor, and gave me this number. You know a 'U.U.'?">This isn't a war we want kids in>Unfortunately, yes. We call him 'W'>I'm guessing you're English, by the accent>Sorry, wrong number>WRITE IN
>>3297564>>Unfortunately, yes. We call him 'W'
>>3297564>>This isn't a war we want kids in>>Unfortunately, yes. We call him 'W'>>So which Man of The Mountain was it that got my number and decided to hand it out? I need to know for...personal reasons.
>>3297564>Unfortunately, yes. We call him 'W'>I'd rather not have kids involved, but if they've been training for this...>so, where and when?
>>3297579earl, magician...could be Merlin?
>>3297564>Unfortunately, yes. We call him 'WHow big is your beard?
>>3297564>Unfortunately, yes. We call him 'W'>I'm guessing you're English, by the accent
>>3297564"Unfortunately, yes," you say, "we're calling him 'W' right now.""I wonder if that guy's going to die when he finally runs the alphabet out," 'Earl' says, "anyway, he told me to call you. Said you'd have a really interesting field training operation. Something about killing rats. And I'm guessing it's THOSE rats.""This isn't a war we want kids in," you say."I'm showing my age," Earl says, "they're all old enough to get drafted, but I still call them kids.""You calling from Hogwarts?""No," Earl says, "we're somewhere in central Europe. And do you really read that trash?""My kid enjoyed it," you say, "bedtime stories, you know?""Should have read The Hobbit instead," Earl says. This guy's just a born critic, isn't he?"We did that too," you say, "and you're cutting a bit far from the chase. What are your terms?""I just need an end-of-term project for my students," Earl says, "and I need you to tell me what we're fighting. And what rules of engagement we have.""Right," you say, "you know about the rats we're fighting. We need you guys to seal them so they can't cut their girls off. And possibly threaten them with what'll happen if they do. That's probably going to involve fighting magical girls. We're going in tonight - in my timezone.""Fuuuck," Earl says, "so THAT's why I got that paper for peer review. My guys are going to love this one.""And if you stumble across a King in the Mountain," you say, "they're probably with us.""Even Vlad?" Earl says."It might depend on who wakes them up," you say, "we've got Arthur, Charlemagne, Fionn, and El Cid. They might dig out more fuckers.""Hey," Earl says, "tell U.U. or W - I get to write the paper on this one!"...and he cuts the call.Why's someone with an English accent teaching magic in 'central Europe'? And how the fuck does he know W?Questions are swarming through your head as you open the door to the South Conference Room. Heinrich's on the phone, giving orders about protecting the families of the firm's blissfully unaware employees."So how was the call?" Bernie asks.>We may have just pulled the hair trigger on everything>Liska's doing fine, thanks for asking>REYNOLD! I need that stuff!>I think Japan's going to be fine. And we've got fuckers in Europe>Let's turn on the TV and see if anyone's made the news yet>WRITE IN
>>3297666>>I think Japan's going to be fine. And we've got fuckers in Europe>apparently the Rats have made themselves no friends....
>>3297666>>We may have just pulled the hair trigger on everything>>Let's turn on the TV and see if anyone's made the news yet>>So I think starting WW3 calls for a shot of the Good Stuff don't you agree?
>>3297666>>Liska's doing fine, thanks for asking>>I think Japan's going to be fine. And we've got fuckers in Europe>>We may have just pulled the hair trigger on everything
>>3297666>REYNOLD! I need that stuff!>We may have just pulled the hair trigger on everything>I think Japan's going to be fine. And we've got fuckers in EuropeSatan please
>>3297666>>REYNOLD! I need that stuff!>>We may have just pulled the hair trigger on everything>>I think Japan's going to be fine. And we've got fuckers in Europe
>>3297564>"What?" Reiya asks, "I thought King Arthur was a woman."Sadly, Ellie already took the position of FemArthur.Just how popular is Fate today that it is seen as some kind of historical document?
>>3297666"Seems like the rats made themselves no friends," you say, "there's an army about to march through Japan to bait them, and we just got some wannabe-Dumbledore in central Europe to sign on.""We pulled the hair trigger on everything, Bernie," you say, staring down the dragon."Wonderful," Bernie says, "this one's going to be fun. What'd you tell that guy in Europe?""The basics," you say."If he's got wizards," Bernie says, "we need them to link up with the Kings in the Mountains. And we still don't have anyone in Russia, China, South Asia, Africa, or the greater Americas."Then his phone goes off, and he answers with a "yes, granny?"The torrent of invectives is loud enough you can hear it from where you stand. Unfortunately, you don't quite get Russian."Yeah," Bernie says, "I'm all that. But we need you to help catch those rats."Then there's a brisk, horrifying exchange in Russian across the phone lines."No, babushka," Bernie says, "we're going for it. You can sit back and watch, or you can join! THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS, woman in the chicken-legged house! You want to see them all die?"Then he hangs up and sags back into his chair."If you have the bad luck to give my eulogy," he tells you, "make sure to include that I just hate Russian as a language."And his phone goes off again."Bernie here," he says, picking it up without missing a beat, "oh, brother -" and that's Chinese, or you're standing on your head.Then Reynold pokes his head back in, "I got some phone numbers, boss," he says, "who are we dialing first?">Samedi>Enma>Minos>Hades>Athena>Hephaestus>Heracles>Ares>Aphrodite - they say I'm her descendant>Hera>Just put a fucking conference call together>WRITE IN
>>3297773>Aphrodite - they say I'm her descendant
>>3297773>>Just put a fucking conference call togetherAt the very least nab the war gods, and if we have any luck we can talk Aphrodite into channeling her Areia epithet to add one more to the pile.
>>3297772That was just a joke. Reiya's much more familiar with her own mythology than with Western myths. I thought it would make sense for her to have an awful misconception based on pop culture.>Just how popular is Fate today that it is seen as some kind of historical document?FGO was the highest-grossing videogame of 2018, IIRC, even beating out Fortnite. Due, no doubt, to its highly predatory gatcha techniques. Well, it's certainly a boon to people like me that use its fanart.
>>3297773>Just put a fucking conference call togethertime is of the essence.
>>3297773>Just put a fucking conference call togetherBut make sure Aphrodite's in on it because I'm not crossing those quad 7s
>>3297773"Just put a fucking conference call together," you say, sitting back down at the table as Bernie rattles on in a language you don't understand.How many times it that today? Reynold starts punching numbers into the conference phone."Χαῖρε!" a woman says."I don't speak Greek," you tell the phone."Oh," she says, sounding a bit disappointed, "so I'm Aphrodite, though some call me Venus. And you're?""A few folks say I'm your descendant," you say, "I sent a letter a few days ago.""You're that guy!" Aphrodite says, "um, I'm actually not sure if you're mine. It gets a bit hard to keep track of. And Dionysus called me up the other night to say you were one of his now.""Good morning, Enma," another voice says on the line, as Reynold continues punching in numbers."Good morning, Samedi," someone says, "and what's going on?"...you fear that your assistant's fingers are going to burn off at this rate. He's bringing everyone into the call.Well, that's what you told him to do."What is it?" someone growls from the phone, "better not be something horrible about my taxes again. Or about the alimony thing.""Give me a second," someone else says, "let me get up somewhere with decent reception.""Hades?" another voice asks, "damn, man, I thought you were dead!""Hey! Poseidon!" Hades yells, as Reynold keep punching in numbers, "how've you been?""Yo, boss," someone else says, "everything's going just great down here.""I was asking my brother, Minos," Hades says, "and I hear you guys have a history.""I'm mostly over that," Poseidon says, "I started surfing! It's damn good fun. You should get Persephone out here and hit the beach with us some time.""Could you people keep it down?" Dionysus asks, "I have a hangover and like sixteen people in this hotel room.""Sometimes I wonder why I bothered sewing you into my thigh," someone says, and you're pretty sure that's Zeus."Obviously," Dionysus says, "it's because you loved me. And you didn't know what I'd become. Who the hell called us up, anyway?">I did. I'm that guy that sent letters a few days ago. We hope you'd like to join us in exterminating rats>Damn, Dio, you made it to a hotel without causing a major incident?>Zeus, I'm afraid I have to preface everything with "hands off my daughter!" You have a reputation. And I do your taxes>Does everyone know each other?>WRITE IN
>>3297783>FGO was the highest-grossing videogame of 2018, IIRC, even beating out Fortnite.At least something I actually lioe managed to nab that spot.I hope we ever get to see everyone reacting to their portrayals in the franchise. Mostly Arthur in particular.
>>3297859>Zeus, I'm afraid I have to preface everything with "hands off my daughter!" You have a reputation. And I do your taxes>I did. I'm that guy that sent letters a few days ago. We hope you'd like to join us in exterminating rats
>>3297865>Mostly Arthur in particular.pic related
>>3297859>>I did. I'm that guy that sent letters a few days ago. We hope you'd like to join us in exterminating rats>>Zeus, I'm afraid I have to preface everything with "hands off my daughter!" You have a reputation. And I do your taxes
>>3297868Poor Arthur, at least Charlemagne managed to have a bishonen form and the only thing he has to suffer from is that one of his knights has an unclassified gender/sex. Arthur has like more than 10 versions of himself in a single game, and most of them are girls. Is he a bigger saberfag than Takeuchi, however?
>>3297859>I did. I'm that guy that sent letters a few days ago. We hope you'd like to join us in exterminating rats
>>3297859>I did. I'm that guy that sent letters a few days ago. There are some magical rats about to cause a sphere crash and I figured you gods have a vested interest in Olympus still existing. Whatever their boss or king is has also been stealing souls from the cycle of reincarnation and I assume everyone else's afterlife too.We aren't asking for them to help on Earth. Bringing Zeus in around possibly thousands(millions?) of teenage girls? Do none of you guys see what could go wrong here?If you guys actually do go ahead with actually letting Zeus run amok on earth then one of the first paydays for the girls is going to be a bounty on his dismembered penis.
>>3297859"I did," you say, as your assistant keeps dialing more gods into the call, "I'm that guy that sent letters a few days ago - I believe you asked me if my daughter was hot, Zeus?""Well is she?" he asks, and then you hear some rather confused noises you'd associate more with an NFL tackle than Mount Olympus.Doesn't seem like getting on Hera's bad side is a good move."Yo, what's up, man?" Dionysus says, "gotta be honest, your party was probably better than the ones I hit afterward. Did things get crazier over there once I left?""Yes," you say, "but not like that. We need to prevent a sphere crash.""Too bad," Dionysus says."Ήφαιστος," someone else says on the line."Hello?" you ask."Metalworking and such," he says, shifting to English, "what's your project? I'll give you a quote.""Brah," Dionysus says, "it's not like that. This guy's got a speech to give. So give him time.""We're going in on magic rats tonight," you say, "rats that have disrupted the cycle of souls, and the Great Wheel. Rats that enslave your girls - our girls - in some crazy metamorphosis. You can help us or not.""Excuse me," two voices sound out."Artemis, you get to ask first," someone says."So we're talking virgin huntresses getting taken advantage of here?" Artemis asks.Wait, what?"Silence implies consent," Artemis says, "I'm going in on those bastards - you coming, Apollo?""I just got pulled into this," another voice says, "what are you hunting this time?""Rats," the goddess says, "rats on my fucking turf! Rats taking girls that should be mine!"Then there's a waterfall of words you don't understand."I don't exactly know who you are," a voice says, cutting through the torrent of Greek, "but I kind of like you.""He's MINE, Athena!" Dionysus yells."How about we fight over that once all this is over and done with?" Athena asks."Sounds good," Dionysus says, "hey, Hades, how many drinkers you got down there?""Lots," the death god says, "you're about to do something really stupid, aren't you?""What's the difference between being blackout and being possessed?" Dionysus asks, "could I borrow like fifty thousand of them and chuck them into blackout drunk folks? As an anti-rat measure?""Ok," Zeus says, breathing heavily, "what happened while I was out?"There's significant silence."This isn't fucking Troy," he says, "we're not doing THAT again.""No," Athena says, "we're all on the same side this time. And get some viagra because it'll help you go fuck yourself!""You sprang forth from my head," Zeus says, rather stupefied."And I took all your grey matter with me," Athena bites back, "Artemis is already on the warpath - are you in or out?">Same question>Reynold, cut the call>Bernie, you ever seen something like this?>You guys and gals probably need to link up with the kings in the mountains.>WRITE IN
>>3297979>Same question>You guys and gals probably need to link up with the kings in the mountains.OH GOD, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING.
>>3297979>>Same question>>Bernie, you ever seen something like this?
>>3297979>>Same question>>You guys and gals probably need to link up with the kings in the mountains.>>3297992We are becoming a fucking legend amongst men.
>>3297979>>Bernie, you ever seen something like this?>>You guys and gals probably need to link up with the kings in the mountains.>>As for your question Athena I'm just a concerned father doing everything I can to ensure my daughter lives a long and happy life.>>Also Zeus, my sister happens to be a Dutchess of Hell several times over, I've got a Magical Girl without enough firepower to throwdown with a god BEFORE she Ascended, and Lucifer is free and owes me several favors. Touch a hair on her or my wife's head and I'll ensure what happened to your father is a day at the spa compared to what will happen to you.
>>3297979>Same questionWould we want to introduce Artemis to Mary? With how fast everything is popping off it makes me wonder if the rats are really like eternal Japanese salary men for the cycle of souls and with god having fucked off the wherever he went and nothing serious happening for a couple thousand years with the demons playing bureaucrat and Lucifer locked away and the human population skyrocketing they are massively overworked but they cant get anyone in upper management to respond, to unionize, or alternatively the sweet release of the workaholics coronary. They were able to finally work all the little loopholes to commit suicide, whether by crashing all of existence or getting someone in upper management to notice and pink slip themOr make a new manager through their fuckery to do it..
>>3298021we already pissed off Zeus we don't need to jam our dick down his throat. On top of that Zeus is kind of a bro in most of his myths so long as he has a task to focus on... and you don't let him get near any women or out of sight of Hera.
>>3297979Tell him that we can't go but we have our tickets to our sister and she's delighted. I'm talking about the cruise by the way.
>>3298021Let's not tell him that our sister is a demon please. It'll ruin the surprise. And I really want to see how it turn out at the end.
>>3297979You have a reputation. You are most definitely not going to get in "anything" with any of those girls tonight Zeus.
>>3298065Then say wait how do you not know?
>>3297979About the Indian gods, see if you can get in touch with Ashura, I think that's the name of that guy with the red skin with all the many hands. Or that other Goddess that has a bunch of skulls around her neck. About Asian gods or myths, ask for the monkey king.
>>3298031Let's not in one of the myths she couldn't protect one of her Hunters that got raped by Zeus.
>>3297979"Same question," you say."I feel like I'm being held at gunpoint here," Zeus says, "I don't take kindly to that.""I'm sorry," Bernie says, "I don't care what you think. Jormungandr here. Just got done talking to a cousin in China. You think you'll find another accounting firm that does what we do?""What kind of accounting firm recruits its clients to fight a war?" Zeus asks."The same kind that takes clients who ask if their CPA's daughter is hot," you say, and Bernie grins at you."Thanks for those tickets, by the way," you say, "my wife always wanted to go on a Mediterranean cruise.""Hades," Minos says, "I think we may want to take this guy's side. And that's on account of your sea-bull's son, Poseidon," he finishes."He might kind of be my great-grandkid," Aphrodite chimes in, "I don't really remember, but it's a safe bet. And you remember what happened last time?""Yo, Ares here," a new voice says, "what's going on? Is it a war? It'd better be a war - I was halfway through a set when my phone went off!""We're going to war against magic rats," Athena says, "I was wondering when you'd show up.""Every man has to spend time in the gymnasium," Ares says, "pumping the iron and playing sports. Honestly, I wondered what was going on when you didn't come in, sister. So it's a war, is it?"You can hear Zeus sigh over the phone, and he says something in what you can only assume is Greek....and gets answered by half a dozen mouths."Artemis!" Athena yells, "you there?"That's one very long and pregnant silence."Of course you wouldn't be," the goddess says, "so. Mortal. What's our strategy?""Why are asking him?" Zeus says."Take a fucking guess and remember my mother," Athena says.You get the feeling you've accidentally intervened in a family fracas."I hear the Kings in the Mountains are popping up," you say, "you may want to link up with them, and whoever they've managed to grab.">We need a mop-up operation of ratcatching, in twelve hours>You guys and gals do whatever you want>Enma, Sademi, you guys still on the line?>Love you, 'grandma', but I thought you were 'Venus'?>WRITE IN
>>3298192>>We need a mop-up operation of ratcatching, in twelve hours>>Love you, 'grandma', but I thought you were 'Venus'?>>Hey Ares, as a former solder to a God Of War, you got any Divine Shotguns I could borrow?
>>3298192>We need a mop-up operation of ratcatching, in twelve hours>Enma, Sademi, you guys still on the line?
>>3298192>>We need a mop-up operation of ratcatching, in twelve hours
>>3298192>We need a mop-up operation of rat-catching, in twelve hours do whatever it is you do during it but leave a fucking landmass standing.>Enma, Sademi, you guys still on the line?
>>3298192>We need a mop-up operation of ratcatching, in twelve hours
>>3298192Basically what we're going to do is go and invade there sphere. what we want you to do is collateral damage because once their head is dead. They're going to run to rampant to be the next head. It's going to go crazy down here.
I'm crashing.
>>3298424>Enter Sleep Mode
>>3298424Was it Red Bull that got you or coffee?
I cocked up - twitter for the next runtime: https://twitter.com/HaikuDelugeI do find it hilarious that the motivation for several supernatural folks in this 'alliance' is "it sounds fun"... and then there's Artemis, who's taken the situation very personally and decided to go hell-for-leather. By the by, Ares is probably the worst at holding grudges out of all the Greek gods.I admit, I now want to write a sitcom about several of the Kings in the Mountains just trying to live in an apartment together after getting called up and realizing they really aren't worth too much in terms of saving the world from non-magical threats.>>3298458Exactly.>>3298460I actually haven't had any caffeine this year. That's probably best - it makes me anxious and jittery.
>>3298700Thanks for the runI don't know why but I read Ares in a Silvester Stallone voice.
I dont understand
We should be going again within two hours.>>3298807>I don't know why but I read Ares in a Sylvester Stallone voice.That kind of makes sense. Although I'd think his 'Mars' form probably has The Italian Stallion voice.>>3298829At this point, I'm not sure anyone really does. The main point is that Bernie and his firm, and some other folks associated with the MC, are calling in every favor they possibly can, and whatever blackmail they have to get other folks out after the rats. This is sort of a problem with dragons - once they decide they're going to do something, they just go for the gusto.Because it's not like they're going to die, right?
>>3300462This weather is killing me, by the time he comes back I'm going to be dead.
>>3300462Looks like floor-chan wins again
>>3301671She did, though. I'm holding out hope for tomorrow.
>>3301672Stop listening to her. Bed-chan will care and support you.
>>3298192You can hear someone laughing over the phone."I'm pretty sure some of those guys were gods before..." someone says."Well, what do you want?" someone asks, "I have a busy schedule. Got a lot of forging lined up today.""Mop-up operation," you say, "grabbing and restraining rats wherever you guys still have power. I hear you can project as far as the Greeks went.""Oh, fuck that," Ares says, "Greece was small-time. Give me a second."...is that actually music playing over the phone?"I'm MARS, BRINGER OF WAR!" the artist formerly known as Ares yells. His voice seem different, deeper. More Italian.You can't help but wonder if the war god just had a transformation sequence. And you can hear some confused noises from the phone, like gym rats seeing something they can't understand."I want you," you hear distantly, as if from a phone left on a benchpress bench, "you, you, you, you, and - you need to work on your lats. I'll take you three, though."And a few people sigh over the connection."ARES!" someone yells, "stop!" and you hear the odd sounds of a phone being picked up."Sorry, Zeus," Mars says, "The gods of Greece became the gods of Rome. And The Roman version gives me more area to operate in. My sons conquered the entire world they knew. I'm a bit smarter like this, too.""FUCK YOU I'M JOVE!" Zeus yells, and you hear more music."Bernie," the intercom says, "front desk: there's a disheveled blonde man and a guy who claims to be a priest asking for you. Should I call security?""That's me and this guy I found," Dionysus says over the phone, across his father's theme, "let us in, Bernie. No, I'm literally on the phone with your boss - give me a second, lady! Also, you're pretty cute. Got any plans for toni-"Bernie punches the intercom button rather savagely and says "send them up. He's a client.""I guess I should go for it too," Aphrodite says."You just want to dance!" Athena yells at her."I get my war goddess aspect back as ISHTAR!" Aphrodite yells, as sultry music swells behind her....you are now entirely out of your depth."I am very busy," Enma says, "do you know how many people die here every day? So was there a reason I'm on this call?""I'm kind of wondering the same thing, man," Samedi says, "I mean, it's fuckin' fun to hear 'em argue, but did you actually just call me up to amuse me? If you did... shit, that's full-service accounting!">You were in the address book>We wanted your help>We figured it was courteous to inform you before starting a war, since you guys are death gods>We're pretty certain rats are siphoning off souls you should be getting, and you might want in on this>WRITE IN
>>3301682I slept six hour on floor-chan and then got up and slept on bed-chan for another six.I'm trying to manage a harem here. It's not easy.
>>3302701>>We're pretty certain rats are siphoning off souls you should be getting, and you might want in on this
>>3302701>>We figured it was courteous to inform you before starting a war, since you guys are death godsand if thats not enough of a reason>>We're pretty certain rats are siphoning off souls you should be getting, and you might want in on this
>>3302701>We're pretty certain rats are siphoning off souls you should be getting, and you might want in on this>Also as gods of death you guys should be informed of a possible influex.
>>3302701"You're both death gods who a relationship with our firm," Heinrich says as Bernie smoulders, "we thought it would be polite to inform you before starting a war.""Hmm," Enma says, "thank you for your consideration, but you're trying to recruit the Greco-Romans, and not us?""Can we take the death gods to another line?" you whisper to the knight, since the call with the Greco-Roman gods is devolving into a Latin American soap opera. You can hear Hera going Juno, and generally everything's fucked, if half of what you know about Ishtar is true (and she's actually Aphrodite? What the fuck?). Heinrich punches some buttons."Sorry about that," you say, "but, after reviewing your accounts, I'm pretty sure the rats have been embezzling souls from regions with jurisdictional conflicts. Might even be the reason you two have a court case. We're going to war, so we just called everyone we had numbers for on one conference call. Sorry about that.""I told you I didn't steal those!" Sademi says."An interesting theory," Enma says, "tallies with what 'Bernie' told his brother. I'm guessing you don't understand Chinese?""I can tell when someone's speaking it, but nothing else," you say, and you can't help but imagine that voice on the other end of the line pulling his beard."Well," Enma says, "you don't sound like a liar. So you say these rats have been grabbing souls I should have?""It's a long story," you begin."Just tell us the important parts!" Samedi juts in.So you do."It's believable," Enma finally says, "lots of souls have gone missing since the great wars. And that system - hmm. They're hijacking the Great Wheel, and setting things up so that they grab both demons and those they snare, by turning them into demons. Samedi!""Yo," the god says, "whaddaya want?""A truce until we conclude this disastrous episode," Enma says, "does that sound amicable?""Sounds great," Samedi says, "what about enlisting in this war ourselves?""I fear we're going to have our hands full with the collateral damage," Enma says.>Could you pass the word along to pantheons Bernie doesn't have solid contacts with?>A sphere crash would shatter even your pocket dimensions>China's been around a long time. Millions of soldiers' spirits going for one last oorah would be nice>I'm just hoping it doesn't come to that. Either of you got anything to help?>WRITE IN
>>3302804>>Could you pass the word along to pantheons Bernie doesn't have solid contacts with?
>>3302804>China's been around a long time. Millions of soldiers' spirits going for one last oorah would be nice>Could you pass the word along to pantheons Bernie doesn't have solid contacts with?
>>3302804>>Could you pass the word along to pantheons Bernie doesn't have solid contacts with?>>China's been around a long time. Millions of soldiers' spirits going for one last oorah would be nice
>>3302804>Could you pass the word along to pantheons Bernie doesn't have solid contacts with?
>>3302804"China's been around a long time," you say, "and you've been Yama even longer. Millions of soldiers' spirits coming back for one last oorah would be nice.""Do you want to fill out fifty pages of release forms for each of them in triplicate?" Enma asks."No," you say. You've got a healthy fear of bureaucracy yourself, "but could you pass the word along to pantheons Bernie doesn't have solid contacts with?""Oh," Samedi says, "the Loa are going to be out tonight. We'll ride them until they froth. And some of the folks back home might think it's fun.""Mmmm," Enma says, "I won't make any promises, and I'm not on the best terms with some of them, but... If the rats did turn out to be the villains in our case... Hmm. Thank you," and then he cuts out."Don't mind him," Samedi says, "and try catching him when he's drunk - he's a much better guy then. Too much of a public servant. We're a little less uptight. Guess I'll be checking in on my cousins in Africa," he says, half to himself, then chucks "and seriously, fuck your wife - as soon as you can! Or she's going to run out on you!" at you before hanging up."Gods," Bernie says, looking at you with dead eyes. It seems like he kept listening to the Greco-Romans while you were dealing with Enma and Samedi. And he muted this end of the conference call."I heard that," a voice says. Wait. There were more than two death gods on your call?"Hades, I'm guessing," you say, glaring at Heinrich. He shrugs."The one and only," the single voice on the phone says, "I can't exactly offer you warriors, but why haven't you called up the Norse fuckers yet? They get them by the droves.""Personal reasons," Bernie says.>You know, I could make that call>Maybe you could make that call for us, Hades?>We're going to need to head off friendly-fire incidents with this many factions in play>Were you just lurking on that call the whole time?WRITE IN
>>3302871>We're going to need to head off friendly-fire incidents with this many factions in play>You know, I could make that callYou know fucking Samdei and Hades are the only two death gods I'm onboard with getting the most out of this.
>>3302871>>We're going to need to head off friendly-fire incidents with this many factions in play>>You know, I could make that call
>>3302871>We're going to need to head off friendly-fire incidents with this many factions in play
>>3302871this:>>3302877>>We're going to need to head off friendly-fire incidents with this many factions in play>>You know, I could make that call
>>3302871>You know, I could make that call>We're going to need to head off friendly-fire incidents with this many factions in play>Were you just lurking on that call the whole time?Then tell the gods that you been assigned has a high priest to a new God. And ask for advice. Ignored Zeus.
>>3302871 by the way what is Mary the god of?. Is that really Sisterhood or is it comradery in general.
>>3302957wasn't the latest theory by the cast her being some mix of war-goddess and god of magical girls?
>>3302966Don't remember, thanks for telling me.
>>3302871Probs couse your a vuled client and wanted to give you the frist heads up and pick of souls.But i could call them.What happened to all the Spartans you should have?
>>3302871A woman's voice says something in Greek on Hades' side of the call, but you can pick out the word "Jormungandr".Then there's more Greek, and Hades finally says, "I guess I get why," and sighs, "and that pantheon's crazy - they have afterlives based on separate gods. Oh, and tell Dionysus to go fuck himself, with Mithras and Isis.""I'll take that under advisement," Bernie says, very icily."I could make that call," you volunteer, "I am a marine, and that should count with them.""You guys just get dragged to heaven because of a song," Hades says, "I'm pretty sure the valks don't even get a shot with you. The angels beat them off.""Excuse me," Lucy says, "I happen to be the nearest thing to a representative of Abrahamic religions on this call. And in my day, we didn't do that."He's really got a lot of nerve to bill himself as that."And who are you?" Hades asks."I'm Lucifer," Lucy says, scratching the back of his head, "The - I seem to have lost that title. Let's just say I'm a former angel?""Can we fight?" Hades asks.What?"You're not on my list," Lucy tells him, "why?""I kind of got conflated with you," Hades says, "after... those guys rolled in. So if we had a big, public fight, maybe I could get back what I somehow lost to you? Doesn't really matter who wins. I actually just want to give you back your aspects and get mine.""Sounds like fun," Lucy says, "what about pro wrestling? Or maybe an arm wrestling contest? I'm not sure how this works - we may need a wizard.""I think it has to be theatrical," the Priest says, as he walks in the door with Dionysus behind him, "to get everyone believing you're two separate things.""Yo, uncle!" Dionysus says, "hey, how's Seph?"...that gets a torrent of Greek roaring from the phone. Dionysus seems to be a bit too hungover to deal with it at first."We," you mutter at Bernie, as the god starts slanging them back, "are going to need to head off friendly-fire incidents if we're got this many factions in play.""You're right," Bernie mutters back, "figure out a way to make that happen. Also, were you serious about calling up the Norse guys? Because I have a few numbers. And that's not a call I can make.">Give me their digits>Can we get pictures of the people we're dealing with as a 'do not shoot' list?>Couldn't Heinrich do it?>What if there are some gods that would use this as an excuse to go after others?>Priest, I need to know about 'aspects'>WRITE IN
>>3303048>>Give me their digits>>Can we get pictures of the people we're dealing with as a 'do not shoot' list?
>>3303048>Give me their digits>Can we get pictures of the people we're dealing with as a 'do not shoot' list?>Priest, I need to know about 'aspects'
>>3303048>>Priest, I need to know about 'aspects'>>Give me their digits>>Can we get pictures of the people we're dealing with as a 'do not shoot' list?
>>3303048>Can we get pictures of the people we're dealing with as a 'do not shoot' list?>Priest, I need to know about 'aspects'>Give me their digits
>>3303048"Want me to?" you ask."Probably," Bernie says, "I think you heard Thor hit me up earlier - they're going to be on the move.""Then give me their digits," you say, "and do we have pictures we can use for a 'do not shoot' list?""No," Bernie says, scrawling on a piece of paper, "we've got a lot of names, though. I wonder who wants a fax and who can take a text?" he asks, more to the air around him than to you, "and how many of them even use email?""West conference room has a fax machine," you say, "can you get me an email?""Don't tell them I'd like to keep the world in one piece until you have to," Bernie whispers, and you stand up."Aspects," you hiss at the 'priest', getting right up in his face. You beat this guy down once before.You can do it again."Cosmology may be a democracy," he says, "gods and goddesses have changed names and aspects as they traveled from one culture to another. Take Ishtar - she became Ashtoreth to the Semites, Aphrodite to the Greeks, and Venus to the Romans, losing her aspects of war and death along the way, becoming one more fertility/sex/love/etc. goddess. Is this where I should try telling you about the One True God?""Would be, if you believed in him," you say. And he laughs."I think that bastard's checked out," he whispers, "or why would something like this happen?">Sorry, I've got got some calls to make>A priest says The Man Upstairs has checked out of his hotel room?>If you still have any pull, tell the church about this - or at least tell them something that keeps them out of the firefight>You think your 'god' is dead, don't you?>WRITE IN
>>3303156>>If you still have any pull, tell the church about this - or at least tell them something that keeps them out of the firefight>>I also happen to have somebody here you may be very interested in talking to
>>3303156>>>If you still have any pull, tell the church about this - or at least tell them something that keeps them out of the firefight>>>I also happen to have somebody here you may be very interested in talking to
>>3303156>If you still have any pull, tell the church about this - or at least tell them something that keeps them out of the firefight
>>3303156>If you still have any pull, tell the church about this - or at least tell them something that keeps them out of the firefight>You think your 'god' is dead, don't you?
>>3303156>If you still have any pull, tell the church about this - or at least tell them something that keeps them out of the firefight>I also happen to have somebody here you may be very interested in talking to
>>3303156"If you still have any pull," you say, "tell the church about this - or at least tell them something that keeps them out of the firefight.""Why?" he asks, cracking a smile.And suddenly there's a hand around his throat."Because I'm literally a god," Dionysus says, and then yells something in Greek back at the phones in the conference room, "and well, you're a fun drinking companion, but we are frying the largest fish in two thousand years, by anyone's reckoning. That's going to make a fucking great drinking song!""So," the priest says, making a motion, and, faster than you can see, Dionysus has the guy's hands over his head against the wall.A few knives clatter to the ground."Look," Dio says, "I'd prefer to not go. I sometimes transform into a tiger. That's going to be hell for the cuties who do the cleaning here to get out of the carpet. I'd really like to not put them through that."Then the 'priest' starts laughing."It'd be great if you could," he says, "I'm pretty sure I actually can't die.""Yeah," Dionysus says, "Ares might care about that, but I'm fine with just tying you up forever. I'm also fine with not doing that.""He's kind of mine," Bernie says."And he just tried to kill me!" Dio bites back, "I'm giving him one chance to say something interesting.""The Aristocrats?" the 'priest' says."That could be funny if you'd actually done anything," Lucy drawls as Dio laughs."Did I mention I happen to have someone you might be interested in meeting?" you ask, "the OG.""I can't exactly dial the Vatican with my hands constrained," the 'priest' says, "and what do you mean? OG?"You glance back over your shoulder to see wing after wing unfurling from Lucy's back as he stands up."Good morning, pipsqueak," he says, "I think I'm supposed to say 'אל תפחד', but you don't seem afraid. Guess I'll have to change that.""No," the 'priest' deadpans, "I'm very afraid.""He may be the only contact we have with secret side of the modern church," you say, looking back at Lucifer."I don't care," Lucy says, stalking toward the man, "I'm Lucifer, the Mourning Star! The first angel to fall.""Honestly," the 'priest' says, Dionysus still holding his hands over his head, "I always wanted to meet you. Why?""Why not?" Lucy asks.Then they both start laughing, as you head down the hall toward the West Conference Room. They seem like they'll be fine. At least you got a sheet of numbers from Bernie.Problem is, you don't know which of the Norse pantheon the numbers belong to.You dial one, and get a chipper young woman on the other end."Hello?" she asks.>I'm calling about your car's warranty>Yo, Munin, I want to talk to your boss>I believe your computer has been infected with a virus>Freya, I have an important matter to discuss with you>Are you a receptionist? I need to talk to your boss's boss's - you get the picture>Do valkyries really not take marines?>WRITE IN
>>3303370>Do valkyries really not take marines?>Are you a receptionist? I need to talk to your boss's boss's - you get the picture
>>3303370>>Freya, I have an important matter to discuss with you>>Do valkyries really not take marines?
>>3303370>Do valkyries really not take marines?>Freya, I have an important matter to discuss with you
>>3303370>Freya, I have an important matter to discuss with you
>>3302701Did the Gods just do Henshin transformations?
>>3303370>>Do valkyries really not take marines?
>>3303370"Freya," you say, "I have an important matter to discuss with you."It's worth a shot. After all, she's the only 'chipper young woman' in that pantheon, right?"I'm actually Hel," the voice at the other end of the phone says, "sorry," she finishes with a crestfallen voice.And you're pretty sure she's about to hang up."No, no, it's fine!" you say, "I've actually spent most of the day talking to death gods - I didn't think one would sound so cute."Flattery will get you anywhere, right? And she definitely does sound cuter than the ones you've spoken to today."Why'd you spend a day talking to death gods?" she asks, "trying to figure out where you'd get the best deal or something? I don't like suicides.""I'm not planning on biting it myself," you say, "I was sort of alerting them that we're starting a war up here. Got a few wrong numbers.""Oh," Hel says, "so I guess that's why you wanted Freya or the Valkyries - they'd take the warriors. I just get the worthless people. Let me get you the right number."You hear papers shuffling around."Hey," you ask, "what's worthless in a person?""It's easier to say what's got worth," Hel says, with a bit of a sad voice, "if you're a man, die with your boots on - die in battle. If you're a woman - die in childbirth. Maybe die doing your craft if you have one? I just get the rest. Mostly. There aren't many folks down here anymore, since the Christians showed."Uh..."I heard even the Valks don't grab marines," you say."I don't really know," Hel says, "I heard someone called Uncle Sam cut a deal with some Hebrew god, and they just get grabbed now. I don't have anything to do with the halls the warriors go to, so I don't quite know."No luck there."Hey," Hel says, "could I talk to you for a bit? I'm really lonely down here.">I don't know what we'd talk about, but sure>Hey, you want to talk to your brother, Jormunganr?>Well, we're starting a war here, so I sort of need to talk to all the gods...>Are you really half a corpse?>What do you mean 'down there'?>WRITE IN
>>3303370>Do valkyries really not take marines?
>>3303591>>Well, we're starting a war here, so I sort of need to talk to all the gods...>>Hey, you want to talk to your brother, Jormunganr?
>>3303591>I don't know what we'd talk about, but sure>What do you mean 'down there'?
>>3303591>I don't know what we'd talk about, but sure>What do you mean 'down there'?>Hey, listen, I do have to get a bunch of gods organized to fight magical bureaucrat rats that enslave magical girls, but once we finish dealing with them, you'd be welcome to come over for a end of battle barbecue at my place.
>>3303591>Well, we're starting a war here, so I sort of need to talk to all the gods...>Hey, you want to talk to your brother, Jormunganr?
>>3303591>I don't know what we'd talk about, but sure>What do you mean 'down there'?>Does Jormunganr not call or anything? Thats not cool
>>3303591>Hey, you want to talk to your brother, Jormunganr?> Also I know a new Goddess that just came on scene, she's looking for friends. > Wanna come to a BBQ later and meet up with her?I wanna see Bernies face when he runs into his sister there.
>>3303591>Hey, you want to talk to your brother, Jormunganr?Is there really any reason you can't spruce things up down there? You got tossed there because it sucked, but there's not really any reason it has to stay that way and everyone there has an eternity to try and make their own entertainment. It's your realm, not Odin's.
Freebie: in most versions of Norse mythology, Hel, Jormungandr, and Fenris are siblings, and the children of Loki.Just for kicks: I thought it would be interesting if the MC dialed Hel, instead of the usual 'cute girls' of the mythos like Freya or the Valks. Munin was definitely also an option. Given the first point, it's entirely possible Bernie just wrote Hel's number first.
>>3303591>>3303611> Also I know a new Goddess that just came on scene, she's looking for friends, she'll be there.
>>3303631The cute voice thing actually makes sense because the ugly corpse half is the lower half.>>3303628>>3303591Might as well add an addendum.> Also I know a new Goddess that just came on scene. She was pretty bored since there's a whole bunch of empty space in whatever real estate came with the whole god deal so if you two do actually get along she could probably visit or call from time to time. The Norse pantheon's all about new gods showing up all the time from what i recall, so I hope it's not a problem.
>>3303591Supporting >>3303611 >>3303636
'Yknow, what the hell is Uncle Sam up to now that we are literally dialing every god on their books, and quite a few that probably arn't at this point? Cant imagine there wouldn't be at least one mechanism for alerting them to someone dialing divinity, especially after the satellite incident.
>>3303661>what the hell is Uncle Sam up to nowWhat if Uncle Sam is literally a deific representative of the idea of the USA?
>>3303671Not what I meant, but it does lead into a new question.How many Nazi and Soviet propaganda posters do we have to burn in a pentagram made of American produced tools to get him on our side?
>>3303671Then it's time to call him up and explain to him that maybe allowing magical rats to subvert the US government in order to enslave young magical girls by controlling their supply of magical power isn't a quality the good ol' US of A should be known for!At least, publicly, anyway.
>>3303671that would imply that nation-states have a deific counterpart which would open up a cosmic can of beans what happens with all the general sociopolitic shifts or divides or is subsumed or consumed. I read it as she doesn't get out much and assumed the propaganda entity was an actual god. also what the fuck was he doing letting the demons take over?
>>3303591Get Uncle Sam's number.
>>3303671I thought that was what you were already implying. How that meshes with reality should either make him schizo, senile, demented, or all of the above to explain him being a personification on zeitgeist.
>>3303591>I don't know what we'd talk about, but sure
>>3303689Hel is her prison. She cant really do much in there even if she is queen of it.
>>3303591"Normally," you say, "I'd be glad to. But I'm starting a war against some guys that want to crash the universe, and I kind of need to talk to the whole pantheon so we don't have an awful friendly fire incident.""I thank I still have a number I can transfer you to," Hel says.Then a thought hits you. Two thoughts, to be exact."You want to talk to your brother, Jormungandr?" you ask, and hear a gasp....and a flurry of papers."Is he still alive?" Hel asks you.Seems like reading up on mythology paid off again."He's going by a different name," you say, "but - yeah. He's actually in the building with me. Sort of my boss.""I don't know!" Hel says, very flustered, "it's been so long - actually, I don't have a fucking clue if I want to talk to him! I'm just glad to hear he's doing ok!"Seems like there was more than one reason Bernie didn't want to hit up that pantheon."If it means anything," you say, "I dialed the first number on the sheet he gave me. It was yours."Judging by the avalanche of papers you hear, that revelation might have impeded your mission."I happen to know a new goddess who just came on the scene, too," you say, "you might get along with her. You said you didn't get many visitors?""Ok," Hel says, finally picking up the phone, "this is too fucking good to be true. Who are you working for?""Myself," you tell her, "and my daughter - it all just sort of happened. I can put your brother on the line if you want.""Tell me he's not tied up or something," Hel says."Do you think I'd be able to tie up a dragon?" you ask."You said you know a goddess!" Hel yells, "it's not that much of a stretch.""I can't do that!" you say, "I'm just a normal guy that got pulled in to fighting magic rats that enslave magical girls.">Lemme conference him in>He apparently doesn't want to talk to your pantheon - but I need to>How about we spring it on him as a surprise, next time he shows up at my house?>Does anybody actually know where Fenris is?>WRITE IN
>>3303744>How about we spring it on him as a surprise, next time he shows up at my house?>Does anybody actually know where Fenris is?
>>3303744>>He apparently doesn't want to talk to your pantheon - but I need to>>How about we spring it on him as a surprise, next time he shows up at my house?>>Does anybody actually know where Fenris is?
>>3303744>>How about we spring it on him as a surprise, next time he shows up at my house?>>Does anybody actually know where Fenris is?
So it's agree'd that we're finding her a date at the barbecue? I think Baron Samedi is out (cant remember the reason) but maybe one of the Loa would be into her? Or we abuse comic book synergy and fix her up with Tyr. Mwindo might actually be able to cure her "condition" but he's not on the dating list
>>3303779I dunno about a date, but she could use a friend.
>>3303785>inb4 she joins the literature club
>>3303785We have lovey dovey powers. It would be the ultimate test of our wingman abilities if we found a dude that can overcome her lower half being a corpse and not be weird about it.
>>3303744>How about we spring it on him as a surprise, next time he shows up at my house?
>>3303792Probs a guy feom 4chan
>>3303813>And not be weird about itLet's not kid ourselves here.
>>3303744"Enslave magical girls?" Hel says, "Thralls are one thing, but - usually slavery implies more. If I get the word. And I should be getting thralls' souls. Haven't really gotten any in a long time.""They're hijacking the usual afterlives," you say, because it seems reasonable, "and I think they're trying to crash the universe: those are the guys we're after.""So that's the sort of war you're fighting," Hel says."And if you really want to surprise your brother," you says, "maybe come by for the victory barbeque and find him there?""Sounds like fun," Hel tells you, "but I'll warn you - if I show and he's not there, you're coming down here.""I can't make any guarantees," you say, "we're about to fight a war here, and I'm not sure what the sides are. He says he's fine as long as he's in Malkuth.""Don't let him go up the Tree!" Hel says, "but he's kind of right - as long as he's coiled around the roots, he should be almost invincible. By the way, do you know where Fenris is?"Is that a trick question?Would it benefit you to be dishonest?"No," you say, "Bern-Jormungandr said he doesn't know either. I'm not sure anyone knows.""Oh," Hel says, "well, I'd kind of hoped, since you're full of strange things. Guess I need to get you on the phone with everyone else," she says, then you hear her dialing."Uh," she finally says, "can we get a call together? Some mortal called me, and apparently something's happening up there? And he wants to talk to the pantheon.""Rare for you to call," a deep voice says on the line, "so, Hugnin, Muninn, is this the man you were talking about?"You hear a couple of ravens cawing."Then I guess we're grabbing everybody," Odin says, half to himself, as you hear more dialing, "I take it you had a question, mortal?">Is it true US marines can't go to Valhalla?>How are you getting cell reception?>I'll wait until everyone's on the line and I've given my speech>How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?>Have your ravens really been watching me?>WRITE IN
>>3303903>>I'll wait until everyone's on the line and I've given my speech>>Have your ravens really been watching me?
>>3303903>I'll wait until everyone's on the line and I've given my speech>Have your ravens really been watching me?>How did uncle sam win us marines from you guys?
>>3303903>How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?I mean if anyone would know it would be odin, what with is eye in the well and all
>>3303931It's 3.
>>3303903>>How are you getting cell reception?
>>3303903>Have your ravens really been watching me?
>>3303903Two questions actually>How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie popAnd>Have your ravens really been watching me?
>>3303903"I've actually got several," you say, "but only one of them is important - I'd like to save it until everyone's heard my speech and can answer.""A fine choice," he says, "but I want to hear the unimportant ones while we wait for them to get on the line.""How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" you ask, and Odin roars with laughter."It..." he says, trying to recover himself, "it depends on the person. Technically, it doesn't take any licks at all - just bite the damn thing. And you said you had more questions?""Have your ravens really been watching me?" you ask."They watch everyone," Odin says, "they just happened to notice you more than some other people. Fighting a Wendigo will get a few people to notice you, kneecapping a Duke of Hell and surviving will get a lot more, unlike, hey Muninn, who was it that didn't notice him?" he continues, and the raven caws again, "ah, that girl you wanted to ask to the prom back in highschool. She never noticed you at all."Holy shit, this guy's dangerous.Then Odin starts laughing again. "But hey," he says, "I guess things all worked out for you," the god finishes, with a clap of his hands, "Freyr? Freya? could we get a fucking blessing on this guy's fucking?""He's not in Norway, is he?" a somewhat testy-sounding woman asks."He's not even in Greenland," a man says."Oh come on," another man says, "it's not like fighting giants. I'm sure you can do it at a distance.""He's just in America," Odin says, "and he's hilarious.">Well, if you've been watching me, you know what I'm going to say next>So how did Uncle Sam grab us marines from you?>I'd like to cut to the chase here, but thanks for the thought. I don't need any help, though>I heard you guys torched an opera house?>WRITE IN
>>3304009>Well, if you've been watching me, you know what I'm going to say next>So how did Uncle Sam grab us marines from you?
>>3304009>>Well, if you've been watching me, you know what I'm going to say next>>Any idea where Fenris is?
>>3304009>So how did Uncle Sam grab us marines from you?> And stay out of my bedroom, unless you want to have a Marine come to Valhalla to eat crayons and kick ass, after losing the crayons on deployment.
>>3304009Seriously can we not keep extending the goddamn "ur wife and daughter are in heat" arc?
I'm out for the night.Twitter, for the next runtime: https://twitter.com/HaikuDeluge>>3303534Yes, some of them did. Seemingly, it's something gods get to do - transforming into different aspects or 'versions' that they've been worshipped as. (You'll actually see the same idea of aspects in the epithets of the Greek gods, usually given by city or place of worship. Delphic Apollo is a very different beast than Apollo in general, for instance.) Ironically, while 'Mars' is a straight upgrade for Ares, since the Romans loved the guy, Athena is probably more powerful as Athena than she'd be as Minerva. Dionysus just doesn't give a fuck.>>3303779>I think Baron Samedi is out (can't remember the reason)Partially because he'll put the moves on anyone that moves, partially because he got conflated with a Catholic saint, mostly because he's married, and partly because 'Samedi' is technically only one aspect of 'Baron'. Interestingly, those are mostly the same reasons he's nearly immune to being further conflated or confused with anything besides his other aspects, in this setting.>TyrActually the guy that stuck his hand in her brother's mouth as a show of good faith while the other gods bound the giant wolf with Gleipnir. Tyr knew he'd get his hand bitten off if they succeeded, and did it anyway, but I'd assume he's probably far in the negatives in Hel's estimation. Bernie's too. Just because they don't know where Fenris is doesn't mean the other gods from that pantheon don't know.
>>3304056I thought it was obvious Odin was just having himself a laugh at several peoples' expense during that whole exchange from the moment he talked about just biting the tootsie pop to get the the center. He's probably the closest any major western pantheon gets to having a 'trickster'/'wise guy'/'wiseman' archetype as the head god (although he gets overshadowed in that role by Loki), outside of Zeus' inventive shapeshifting in pursuit of tail, and generally everyone in Celtic mythology.
>>3304077CLEARLY the appropriate person to set Hel up with is Dutch.
Now I wonder about loki
>>3304174He's probably tied to a rock somewhere getting snake venom dripped on him if the legends are anything to go by.
>>3304009>So how did Uncle Sam grab us marines from you?>>3304180Thats just what he wants everyone to think.His probs the joker
>>3304009I remember part of why Loki has to do with Ragnarok is being conflated with Satan. Wanna try to set up an appointment for him and Lucy to have a go if Loki's into it?
>>3304077The important question is what are we going to listen to while kicking ass.
>>3304650Though the fire and flames dragon force
>>3304650Our guy ex-marine right. This should work right.The Warrior Song - Hard Corpshttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Sam4lq2WHos&t=141s
>>3305541. . . . I wonder if we can summon down a shit ton of Marines.Also goddamn dudes, no wonder Marines act like they're in a cult.
>>3305673>AH YES THE MIGHTY RITUAL >CRAYONS>MRE'S>''UNBREAKABLE M-16s''WITH THESE POWERS COMBINED, I SUMMON THE MARINE FORCE!
>>3305692… Can we? Literally just all the marines popping into existence and fighting one hell of a war for humanity, and everyone/thing else too I guess.
>>3305812I don't think we have enough Crayons to pay the marines with.
>>3305692Pft.If you REALLY want to summon Marines you need a brand new off the lot charger, some THOTs without birth control, and BAH.Wait no that's to trap them.
>>3305910And jar heads
>>3305541Cool song.
>>3306023I actually found it by accident. Have you heard of Neckbeard, that YouTube channel. Well he has a playlist called the cold shoulder and it's the background music for most if not all the videos.
>>3304009Are you still conflated with Santa?
>>3304470>part of why Loki has to do with Ragnarok is being conflated with SatanMy understanding of the situation is that his relationship with the Aesir was always ambiguous (he is Odin's blood-brother in many versions, and some legends have him accompanying Odin on Fun Disguise Adventures - the two have a lot in common, really) and gradually decayed over time: Take Sleipnir's birth (where Loki literally volunteered to get fucked by a horse so that Asgard could have a giant-withstanding wall without having the sell a goddess to the giant who built it as the price), or Thor's Marriage To A Giant (while disguised as Freya) to reclaim Mjolnir from the giants, which is a fun-and-games frat party joke at Thor's expense (and accomplishes mass destruction of Asgard's enemies), versus that one time the rest of the gods let a dwarf sew Loki's lips shut because he'd reneged on a deal, or Baldur's death and the aftermath. While I'm not entirely sure about the historical versus mythological/narrative chronology of the stories, the guy's kind of sympathetic, if a bit unhinged, in most of them - up until he deliberately orchestrates Baldur's death and then cockblocks the attempt to resurrect him. That's what gets him chained up under the earth with poison dripping on him.And his kids are supposed to end the world and rule over the bad afterlife, not him. I don't think he's quite a Lucifer conflation. But I don't know.>>3305673>no wonder Marines act like they're in a cult.Not to diss anyone, but the qualities/methods that make a cult member make a good soldier. Or a good employee.>>3305692>>3305820>>3305910>>3305945I've been trying not to take the low-hanging fruit jokes. The MC's one mostly because they're the branch with the most supernatural jurisdictional issues for who gets their souls when they bite it.
>>3308016I thought that would be more the navy or airforce, but fair point chief.
>>3308062It's a joke about the fact that the final verse of The Halls Of Montezuma (or The Marines' Hymn) actually has a line about how "if the Army and the Navy ever look on heaven's scenes, they will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwS6OkgUXKEOne can only imagine that in a confused cosmology like this quest's, there'd be multiple different supernatural factions and creatures showing up for souls when people bite it, and various jurisdictional arguments based on religion, lineage, circumstances of death, geography, etc. The rumor is that someone cut a deal where Heaven gets first pick on USMC - but who knows what Uncle Sam got out of it on the other side?
>>3308016My own memory is a bit vague but supposedly him being an antagonistic figure (aka actually starting Ragnarok and killing Baldur) came into prominence after Christianity started spreading there. It's theorized as early Christians conflating Loki with Satan to ease the local pagans into conversion since before then he wasn't nearly as much of a dick. While his kids do bring about ragnarok, they were with a giantess I forgot the name of and he has plenty of other non evil kids like from that one time he turned into a woman and married a mortal dude, the ones that got gutted and their intestines used to chain loki to where he is right now, Slephnir, and probably plenty of other non horrific beasts.
>>3308183>>3308016I would also like to note that Loki didn't even get sent to his final prison for killing Baldur or being at risk of causing Ranarok. It was for when he got sick of them dissing him this one time and composed a song where he went absolutely savage on each and every last one of the gods. Emphasis is placed on Baldur's death since Baldur was semi conflated with Jesus by early converts.
>>3308183>>3308210As I said, Loki is very ambiguous, and definitely similar to Odin in terms of his tricksterly ways. My understanding of the cycles he's in is that his giant heritage predisposed Aesir to diss him despite what he did for them, and he gave as good (or better) than he got, and legitimately helped them, but the Brokkr incident, where they allowed him to have his lips stitched shut (as a penalty for the wordplay he enacted to weasel out of dying - which was not unlike what several other Aesir, including Odin, pulled) was when things really soured. The song he composed would have merely been the ramblings of a drunk, if some of them didn't already have it out for him. The Baldur Problem (ain't that a name for a spy thriller?) was when things came to a deadly head.I hadn't heard Baldur was conflated with Jesus - Baldur never resurrects. Jesus has more in common with Baal and the weeping for Tammuz, or with Persephone than with Baldur.
>>3308210>I would also like to note that Loki didn't even get sent to his final prison for killing Baldur or being at risk of causing Ranarok.Well the Baldur/Hodur legend likely didn't originally include Loki as it was a day/night cycle legend. Loki was likely a christian addition to the legend.>>3308264Baldur does have a bit were he comes back to life after Ragnarok which is similar to Jesus' return in Apocolypse legends.
>>3308264Baldur comes back after Ragnarok. He does indeed resurrect.
>>3304009"And I'll be here all night, ladies and gentlemen," you say, like a stand-up comedian,"but I'd appreciate you staying out of my bedroom. And if you've been watching me, you know what I'll say next.""It's not like you two could do anything over there," Odin bites at the other gods.Oh. So you were just collateral in some sort of dominance game? Or in making clear to these gods how far their influence extends?...Wait. Could Odin be saying that not even their interference could make you fertile?You're not sure whether he's just mopping down everyone on the call."And why should we?" the woman asks, "it's not our problem. Did you see our last rankings on every measure of a country? Particularly the happiness scores? Even after they built their churches? And then abandoned them?""Do they include magical girls per capita in that?" Odin asks, and you can almost feel the pressure through your phone."Ok," Freya says, "how are they suppose to measure that? How would you even do that?""That's their problem," some guy says, "the real problem here is that I'm climbing a mountain right now, and someone dialed me while I was setting a fucking piton! I've only got one hand to work with now!""Where are you?" someone asks, and then you hear a noise unlike any you've heard before.Did that guy just put his phone in his mouth?"AHLPHS!" he says, and you can hear his breathing around the phone,"Loo'k - whddyah wan?""Thor," Odin says, "call us back when you're at the top.""N---bdy elshe wans a crater heah," you hear around breaths into the phone, and then there are some odd noises and it shuts off."I'm afraid we'll have to do without Thor for now," Odin says, "although I'm wondering which face he was going up.""He said Matterhorn," a woman's voice says on the line."Oh, Sif!" Odin says, "and by the way, do we have everyone?""We don't have Baldr," someone says.You can almost feel the cold atmosphere from your phone's speaker."Seems like you're not conflated with jolly old Saint Nick," you say tell Odin.You hear ravens cawing."These two do like dropping presents down chimneys," Odin says, sounding almost grateful, "Hodr, Bragi, Tyr, Heimdall - you guys on yet? Are any of the rest here?""I'm blind," someone says in a bitter voice, "takes a bit to answer a call." That's probably Hodr, from what you know."I guess it's a little less difficult with one hand?" someone else says over the phone. Sounds like Tyr."Seems like we're not all here yet," you say, "so you you want another entertaining question?" you ask a head god of a pantheon.Hey, this time you didn't tell him you'd castrate him."Oh," Odin says, "hit me. You're like a mushroom: a fun-gi."...Dad jokes never change, do they?[1/2]
>>3308436"So how'd Uncle Sam grab us marines from you?" you ask."I'm bad at poker," Odin deadpans."You signed off an afterlife for all of us on a poker game?" you ask."Hey," Odin says, "Thoth bet Khensu for the moon's light over a game of Senet. That's why the moon is below full most of the time - since Thoth made the leap days out of the moon's light and the moon is below full most of the month. And it's also because the relative positions of the earth, the moon, and the sun throw shadows across the moon.""I'm not sure that's really parallel," you say, "we can explain that. Like you said, the orbits of the earth, moon, and sun do that.""But what comes first? The Chicken or the Egg?" Odin asks, "what if that's the egg you hatched from as a chick? How would any of us know? Can you tell me Thoth and Khensu didn't actually bet the entire causality of our universe on a game of Senet, and we've all been living with the consequences since?">You might need a wizard for this one>I can't, but we can play inside and about that>Have you got enough of your pantheon that I can ask my real question?>Wait, you lost us to Uncle Sam at poker?>WRITE IN
>>3308534>>I don't know, but I've got Lucifer just down the hall, and might. You want me to ask him real quick?>>Wait, you lost us to Uncle Sam at poker?
>>3308534>I can't, but we can play inside and about that>Wait, you lost us to Uncle Sam at poker?
>>3308534>>You might need a wizard for this one>>I can't, but we can play inside and about that
>>3308534> You might need a wizard for this one> I can't, but we can play inside and about that> Wait, you lost us to Uncle Sam at poker?
>>3308534>>You might need a wizard for this one>>Have you got enough of your pantheon that I can ask my real question?
>>3308534"I can't," you say, "but we can play inside and around that - wizards have been playing with that for years.""So have I," Odin says, "I am... a young god. Yes, you can all laugh," he chucks at the others on the call, "but you're younger than I am."There's no laughter."But I'm also a god that managed to become head of a pantheon," he says, "not as much through godly powers as through wit and riddling, transformation contests, fights, sacrificing my eye, and happening to draw the right people to me.""Was my father one of those?" Hel asks, a dangerous edge on her voice."He is my blood brother," Odin says, "but he killed Baldur. No, even worse, he baited Hodr into doing it for him. Hel, I cannot back down about that. Much as I wish I could bring Loki back to my side. Remember what he did to make sure Baldur stayed with you?""REMEMBE-" Odin starts, but you cut him off."Wait," you say, "you, uh, lost to Uncle Sam at poker?""You're deflecting," Odin says."Of course I am!" you tell him, "I'm reaching out here, to avoid friendly fire incidents in this upcoming war, warn the death gods to prepare for a slew of souls, and generally say - if you're not in, get out. Hoped you'd be a bit more straight-up than some of the others I've been dealing with.""I lost the rights for Valkyries to grab the USMC," Odin says, "over a poker game. So Uncle Sam sold that off to... huh. Per the song. I guess that solidified it. Well, I would have liked you for the Einherjar.">Bernie(Jormungandr) doesn't want to end the world>You really wouldn't want me. I think several people would be coming for my soul>Do we have a quorum in your pantheon so that I can give my spiel?>Friendly fire in going to be our worst enemy in this war - Arthur and Charlemagne are on the move>WRITE IN
>>3308657>Friendly fire in going to be our worst enemy in this war - Arthur and Charlemagne are on the move>And SoisJormungandrwhoisagoodguyhere
>>3308657>>Friendly fire in going to be our worst enemy in this war - Arthur and Charlemagne are on the move>>You really wouldn't want me. I think several people would be coming for my soul
>>3308657>>Friendly fire in going to be our worst enemy in this war - Arthur and Charlemagne are on the move>And This put a Chicken leg in Jormungadr's craw too. These rats are trying to steal his schtick and until he decides to actually make the play he keeps his stuff here.>And at this rate my soul is going to have a world war fought over it anyways.
>>3308657>You really wouldn't want me. I think several people would be coming for my soul>Friendly fire in going to be our worst enemy in this war - Arthur and Charlemagne are on the move>write inGet Uncle Sam's number.
>>3308657> Bernie(Jormungandr) doesn't want to end the world> Do we have a quorum in your pantheon so that I can give my spiel?> Friendly fire in going to be our worst enemy in this war - Arthur and Charlemagne are on the move
>>3308657>Friendly fire in going to be our worst enemy in this war - Arthur and Charlemagne are on the move>You really wouldn't want me. I think several people would be coming for my soul
>>3308657If this is actually Odin, that's a high compliment.But there are larger fish to fry."Friendly fire is going to be our worst enemy in this war," you say, "Arthur and Charlemagne are on the move, with Fionn and El Cid.""Did you say Fionn?" someone asks, "is he bringing the Fianna?""I don't know?" you say, "they just lit out after we talked to them.""He's going to blow the horn," Odin says, "if he can find it. Actually, if it's Fionn blowing it, it might not even need to be the real horn. He could just bust a museum for a replica, or grab a vuvuzela, and it may work. The Tuatha De Dana may cram in. They're probably going to beat Drake's Drum, too! And holy shit, El Cid - with everything else going on, that's going to go nuts! And Arthur could bust Merlin out! What did you do?""I thought your ravens noticed everything?" you ask."I'm only sort of omniscient," Odin says, "definitely not omnipresent. And these two -" you hear ravens cawing, "don't bring everything back. Yeah, 'friendly' fire is going to be everything here. So who's with us?""Do you have a fax machine?" you ask, as Reynold hurries in with pages of lists."Yes," Odin says, and gives you a number."These are who we've got currently as neutral or with us?" you ask Reynold, and he nods hurriedly."Expect a fax on who to not instantly kill," you say, "and about neutralizing rats.""We just wreck people," Odin says, "not neutralize them."That's not good."But if you kill the rats," you say, "all the girls will go out! You need to restrain them. Hey!" you say, as a thought hits you, "I've got this guy in central Europe who may have the ability to restrain them.""Chuck his number on that fax too," Odin says."I'm cheering for you!" a woman says, just before you cut the call."Reynold," you say, "fax it all!">We need to establish an OpCenter. I'll discussing it with Bernie>I'll go make sure nobody's dead in South Conference Room>This sounds like a good time to go to lunch - after you do that>All in a day's work for a secret agent, hey Reynold?>WRITE IN
>>3308833>>We need to establish an OpCenter. I'll discussing it with Bernie
>>3308833>We need to establish an OpCenter. I'll discussing it with Bernie>Fuck, Also send them a number on the paper to get uncle sam's number
>>3308833> WRITE IN: We should definitely see who's keeping tabs in Africa and South America; the Egyptian and the Meso-American gods won't be pleased to know the soul-cycle has been violated.> We need to establish an OpCenter. I'll discussing it with Bernie> I'll go make sure nobody's dead in South Conference Room
>>3308879>the Egyptian and the Meso-American gods won't be pleased to know the soul-cycle has been violated.Might as well keep tabs for possible friends or dates for Hel. Mictēcacihuātl might have some ideas for a good suitor...
>>3308842>>3308833+2Tell the Marines there's a chance of Valkyrie pussy.
>>3308922> "Reynold."> "Y-Yes sir?"> "Sound the horn."> "Right away sir."> 'And lo, around the globe, a message was delivered to every man of vigor and vitriol and sheer unyielding grit (but really too dumb to feel pain). That upon this final battle ground, lay a treasure worth fighting for. Worth dying for.'> 'The vermin did quake and squeal in terror, as the ground-pounders charged their strongholds with guns blazing and mouths frothing. Ferocious cries echoing the fury and pride of their most ancient ancestors. Greater horror was instilled in the hearts of the parasites when they witness the violent erections the marines did boast.'> 'One word. One, single, unified furor, which would echo across time.'> "WWWWWAAAAAAIIIIIIFFFFFFUUUUUUSSSSS!!!!"
>>3308833"Chuck a request for Uncle Sam's number on the last one," you tell Reynold, then walk out into the hallway.The realization hits you like a sledgehammer. If the personifications of countries are like the other supernatural things you've know, 'Uncle Sam' is probably even scarier than your mother-in-law. And she's pretty fucking scary. Maybe they're like 'land gods' across an entire country?If that's the case, then marching on the Emperor was decidedly a bad idea.Good thing you didn't do it."I'm going to talk to Bernie about setting up an OpCenter," you tell Reynold, over your shoulder."No, no, no, no, and fuck no!" Bernie tells you when you explain the idea to him in the other conference room, "I don't think you understand - I'm supposed to end the world. Lucifer is also supposed to do that, so who'd put themselves under the command of something backed by us? To stop ending the world? I can pull weight with people who aren't bought into Norse cosmology, I can pull all the blackmail in the world on our human clients, but there's no way they'd go for letting me or you (they'd assume you're a puppet) orchestrate this!">What if it was a baseline human? Like me?>Where did Lucifer get off to? - he's sort of mine>What if I beat the shit out of you on camera?>I get your point - let's just send them the lists of who they shouldn't kill?>I thought you said we declaring war? You chickening out?>WRITE IN
>>3308957>What if it was a baseline human? Like me?
>>3308957>>What if it was a baseline human? Like me?>>Where did Lucifer get off to? - he's sort of mineI swear, The First Teenager is like a puppy with how curious he is.
>>3308957>What if it was a baseline human? Like me?>I thought you said we declaring war? You chickening out?
>>3308957> What if it was a baseline human? Like me?> Where did Lucifer get off to? - he's sort of mine> What if I beat the shit out of you on camera?>>3308965It is pretty adorable. I can't even imagine the shenanigans he'd get up to if we weren't in a state of emergency.
>>3308957>What if it was a baseline human? Like me?>Where did Lucifer get off to? - he's sort of mine
>>3308957>Could we skate through on a technicality if we rephrase "End the world" to "End the world as we know it?" Might give some wiggle room thanks to people's inability to imagine anything beyond what they currently know of the world.>What if it was a baseline human? Like me?>Where did Lucifer get off to? - he's sort of mine
>>3308957"What if it was a baseline human," you say, "like me?""Like I fucking said," Bernie tells you, lounging back in his chair, "everyone would assume you're my puppet. Precisely because you're probably a baseline human. You still seem like that, although you're bullshit incarnate.""So the best we're going to get away with is sending info of the actors to all the rest and hoping they don't screw up?""All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players," Bernie sighs, slumping back into his chair, "there's really only one way to square this, unfortunately.""Where'd Lucifer get off to?" you ask, "I'm sort of looking out for him.""Do you not know an invitation when you see one?" Bernie asks.Holy shit. Was that really what he was asking for?>You're invincible down here - you're baiting me>We can do this like two side of a coin - I don't have to be associated with you>Your sister wants to talk to you - I told her she could at the victory barbeque>Seriously, where'd Lucifer get off to? I probably need to chase himI'M 'bullshit incarnate'?>Write in
>>3309044>I'M 'bullshit incarnate'?>BOOM, PERFECT THEN
>>3309044>>You're invincible down here - you're baiting me>>Your sister wants to talk to you - I told her she could at the victory barbeque>>Seriously, where'd Lucifer get off to? I probably need to chase him
>>3309044>>You're invincible down here - you're baiting me>>Seriously, where'd Lucifer get off to? I probably need to chase him
>>3309044>I'M 'bullshit incarnate'?>Does that come with a pay raise?>You're invincible down here - you're baiting me
>>3309044"Bernie," you say, "I don't know if you were too drunk to remember, but I'm pretty sure you're invincible in Malkuth or 'the roots of the Tree'. You're fucking with me and we don't have time for that!""No," Bernie says, slumping back into his chair in the empty room, "I'm not fucking with you. But I burnt every bridge I had. Several bridges other people had. I built more bridges - then I burnt them too.""Don't give me the 'right before I die' speech, JORMUNGANR!" you say, "there's at least three people who give a shit about you," you say, standing in the door to the room, "maybe it's seven. Maybe more. And where did that 'going to war' idea go, dragon?""And where the Hell is Lucifer?" you ask, "because I need to find that guy.""Your office, I guess," Bernie says, "and just for your edification, my 'Right Before I Die' speech is very different, and immolates everything in five miles."He smiles weakly as you hare out of the room."Unless I do it near a body of water with sea access," Bernie says, "then I end the fucking world.">Double back and ask him if he's ok>You need to find Lucy>Toss over your shoulder "Luckily, we're not near one of those">Double back and "ok, I thought I was going to have to fight rats, not you">I'm assuming you're not pulling in right now, then>WRITE IN
>>3309174>>Double back and ask him if he's ok>>You need to find HeinrichThis dude needs his fuck buddy right the fuck now.
>>3309174>Double back and ask him if he's ok>Ring up Hel again to cheer him up a bit.
>>3309174>>Double back and "ok, I thought I was going to have to fight rats, not you">>ask him if he's ok
>>3309174>Double back and ask him if he's ok>You need to find Lucy>Toss over your shoulder "Luckily, we're not near one of those"> ask him where his boyfriends at. And make him take the rest of the day off.
>>3309174Backing this >>3309216>Also find fucking heinrich now
>>3309174You double back into that unfortunate conference room."Bernie," you ask, and put your hand down on his shoulder, "are you ok?""I'm fine," he says, but doesn't shake you off.Shit.He's obviously not fine. If he was, he'd be standing up and trying to throw you around the room, or giving an awful quip, not slumped with his head on the conference room table."Should I go get Heinrich?" you ask."No," Bernie says, "I do not want him to see me like this again.""Like what?" you ask, "he's already seen you drunk, hungover, guessing he's seen you naked.""I'm in 'END THE FUCKING WORLD!' mode," Bernie whispers, "like, I can take a single step and I'm off that precipice. I don't want to end the world. Being immortal is fun and all, but the world's where I keep all my stuff, right?" he asks, looking up at you, and you realize that the hand you put on his shoulder is soaked in sweat.You always heard lizards didn't sweat."I just heard the gods," Bernie says, "I LISTENED TO THEM! I bent my knee to ask favors of them! AND THEY'RE A BUNCH OF COCKHOLES!" he finishes, slamming his fist through the conference room table. It buckles and collapses....guess it was just particle board.The 'oak' was a veneer."Just lock me in and please turn the light out when you leave," Bernie says.>Do what he says and then go find Lucy>Do what he says, then go find Heinrich>Look, I'm one of those three people I mentioned. I'm staying here>You know how happy your sister was to be the first number on the list you gave me?>Holy fucking shit, get it together Bernie! (and slap him)>WRITE IN
>>3309286>You know how happy your sister was to be the first number on the list you gave me?
>>3309286>>You know how happy your sister was to be the first number on the list you gave me?
>>3309286>You know how happy your sister was to be the first number on the list you gave me?>Holy fucking shit, get it together Bernie! (and slap him)
>>3309286The conference phone slides down the broken table and ends up in the middle of the wreckage. A splinter must have hit a button, because it's giving off an awful-sounding dial tone."I just had an interesting call with someone," you say, like you're talking to nobody in particular, "they said they had a brother. They were surprised the guy was still alive. And they were really damn happy that brother wrote their number first on the sheet for his subordinate to contact.""But I didn't write Hel's number first," Bernie says, slowly."I just picked one at random," you say, "but she was so happy to hear that. She actually thought you were dead, then she assumed I'd managed to kidnap you and was beating you with a rubber hose or something. Then she believed what I said. And I told her that was the first number on the list.""A rubber hose would be less painful!" Bernie says, "it actually would be.""Bernie," you says, "for once in my life, I'm going to tell you that I know exactly how you feel.""Presumptuous basta-" he begins, rising under your hand, then stops."Oh," he says.>Are you ready to face the world without ending it?>Do you want some peace and quiet in here?>Let's turn that conference phone off>I guess that lie's our secret>You know her number - want me to leave you two in peace?>WRITE IN
>>3309339>>Do you want some peace and quiet in here?>>You know her number - want me to leave you two in peace?
>>3309339> Are you ready to face the world without ending it?> You know her number - want me to leave you two in peace?> WRITE IN: As cliche as it's sounds - and it is enormously so, which I would say is appropriate for a giant dramatic lizard - You are what you choose to be.
>>3309339>Are you ready to face the world without ending it?>You know her number - want me to leave you two in peace?
>>3309339>Are you ready to face the world without ending it?>You know her number - want me to leave you two in peace?>Also turn it off
I'm out.Twitter, for the next runtime: https://twitter.com/HaikuDelugeArchive, for 'how did we wind up HERE?': http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/qstarchive.html?tags=ShotgunSlightly out-dated character/notes list: https://pastebin.com/kW127tnvMeta/Behind the scenes stuff: the MC really did just pick a random number on the list to call. Hel was not the first one. Then he told a bit of a lie. And now that lie appears as a plot point and leverage on Bernie. Strangely, it emphasizes the similarities in their family situations, which is why Bernie just shuts up when he realizes the MC actually can draw a reasonable comparison. Well, that's half the reason why. The other half is that Bernie's nearly knackered, and hates talking to gods and other dragons in general.
>>3309412>Hates talking to gods and other dragons in general>only talking to usUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
>>3309339>>I guess that lie's our secret>>Let's turn that conference phone off
>>3309339I guess that lie's our secret
>>3309339>Bernie, I'm a bit biased when it comes to spending time with family while you still have them. >Now let's see who you accidentally dialed when you smashed that desk.
>>3281235I still can't wait for Reynold's break down of>"Okay boss, what are you REALLY? You negotiate with dragons, literal gods obey your orders and fall prey to your manipulations, your sister runs most of Hell, I thought you were the Devil at first but then the ACTUAL Devil shows up and he fucking DEFERS to YOU! WTF even ARE you?"
>>3311954Clearly right time, right place
Shit, we might end up making Bernie our brother too at this rate.
>>3317637I'm reasonably certain that, if we do that, we might..spontaneously become a demi-god.I myself am interested in what the Aesir have gone and done with Fenrir. We all know that he's destined to slay Odin...but what if the rats get their greasy little paws on the Great Wolf?
New thread: >>3318685>>3309422Well, it's not like the QMC is a god or a dragon, and Bernie's confidante was just a mortal. Once upon a time.>>3311954I feel like Reynold has his hands full, but that's hilarious. Given his perspective, it DOES seem like the QMC has to be ridiculously powerful or something.>>3317637That's up to people to determine, although I doubt Bernie would ever ask for it.>>3317652>I myself am interested in what the Aesir have gone and done with Fenrir.So am I. The wolf should be chained up with Gleipnir at this point, but who knows?