Getting close to 40, mid life crisis, depression, and finding release - <AUTHOR> I think this question may have already been asked, as one variant or another; but let me give you my situation.
My daily routine involves going to a job I absolutely despise, going home to screaming kids and nagging wife, and then finally going to bed to start it all over again the next day.
I understand that most people have jobs they hate, but you typically have a release when you go home, and that balances things. What if you have no release, and you don't really have any friends because you're new to the area.
How do you cope? I feel like a little bit of me is lost every day, as my mind just spirals out of control. I hate waking up, because I know it will be the same thing over again, day after day.
Most of my career I've been a contractor (software engineering), and the past 5 or so years I've focused more on architecture and start-ups. My most recent job is for a very large corporation, and it's completely not what I normally go for, but it was the only option in the area I live (offering the money I wanted). The wife thinks I should be here at least 1 year, or else it'll look bad on my resume.
Anyone else feel like their life is a prison? I know I have choices, but given our situation, quitting this job just isn't an option right now. I suppose I can look for something new, but this area is very dry when it comes to my kind of work. Remote is an option, but the competition seems fierce (everyone wants remote), and architect roles are typically on-site, unless I go back to development. <comment><USER4> In most cases, atleast in middle-class America, life is a prison of your own making. I think a lot of people hope for an external agency to magically take them out of their current situation, when, in most cases the only agency that can help you is yourself.

If you feel the need to provide a stable life for your family at present and not make any dramatic changes (like moving), then the best option to come out of your funk is to engage with the world right around you. Do something hip (even if you make fun of it), play some team sports, engage with your community or neighbors and participate whole-heartedly in activities even if they seem stupid to you and most importantly, engage with your wife and kids, do something that your wife is asking of you, play with your kids without thinking of the other stuff! Ultimately, what I have found for me is that interaction and having mindless fun with friends and family always gets me out of depressing thoughts like you are having.

Even though the grass always seems greener elsewhere or it seems like there are way more things in life you could be doing or achieving, the reality is that feeling good doesn't really need all of that.

Oh, also, on the side, do pursue your idea of getting a remote job that is more interesting, but keep your expectations low. Make the attempt instead of thinking of the various negatives. Good luck!

<comment><USER5> A precondition for the responses in this vein: Avoid time-suck leisure activities that mess with your brain's reward system and keep you up at night (video games, porn, social media, etc.). You'll claw back some time for hobbies, or, at the very least, you'll get more sleep (which does wonders for your energy level and outlook on life).

</comment></comment><comment><USER6> I was there, although I wouldn't have said "despise" \-- more like "dissatisfied". A decade or so later, my wife divorced me.

There are a lot of pieces to that, but I ultimately realized that I had been suffering from long-term, chronic depression -- the kind where you're not necessarily sad, but the world just seems very... flat. And you are irritable a lot.

I want to recommend some things (understanding that I'm just trying to get you to think about them -- I don't know you, so I could be way off course... but). 1) Look into whether you have depression or not. At the very least, see a therapist. Maybe get a pyschiatric or psychological evaluation as well. Because depression sucks, and if you are battling it, you want to know.

2) Start looking at your life. What do you want out of your life? What would you hope for if you could "blue-sky" it? Because you need to make this life count... regardless of what your partner's expectations are. There are lots of books on this subject (random one: "You Are A Badass" by Jen Sincero).

3) Look at your spiritual life. (I don't necessarily mean religion.) If you are like a lot of us, it has kind of languished. But it's one of the legs of the stool, so you shouldn't neglect it.

4) Quitting is always an option. Telling yourself it isn't is just a way of locking yourself into BS options that may not work for you. Yes, there would be an economic hit. Maybe you'd have to sell your house. Maybe your partner would divorce you. It's OK to consider the drawbacks, but leave the option on the table, because... this is your life, friend. Destroying it for money is a bad, bad plan, and will teach your children the worst of lessons -- that life is a horrible grind for security, despite the fact that we hate our lives. Bad, bad outcomes come out of that lesson.

Take what you like, and leave the rest.

<comment><USER7> >3) Look at your spiritual life...

This can not be overemphasized in my opinion. The natural result of Atheistic Naturalism is, to me, nihilism and its accompanying depression, so I would encourage an honest examination of your worldview and an openness to faith that provides a sense of purpose.

<comment><USER8> >The natural result of Atheistic Naturalism is, to me, nihilism and its accompanying depression,

This is a view of atheism which seems predicated on a common theist belief that morality and "purpose" can only exist through belief in a divine being. Yet there are plenty of atheists who are neither nihilistic nor depressed - and plenty of theists who are.

One can believe that life has value, and that life can have a purpose in the context of humanism, and one can even have spirituality without embracing a belief in the supernatural or the divine. As Douglas Adams said, isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?

<comment><USER9> I don't think there's any harm in giving it a try, even if you decide it's not for you.

<comment><USER10> Same goes for trying out atheism.

Which of course makes no sense because this is not a brand of coffee.

<comment><USER9> If you're already an atheist there is no need to "try it" because you are already familiar.

<comment><USER10> I know, I was suggesting to try out atheism for someone who believes in something else.

All this to say that such suggestions do not make sense, a belief or lack of is not something which someone can "try out". I can imagine that following some major life events, for someone who is inclined to such a change, "trying out" is an option.

Having had all kind of dramatic events in my life I never felt the need to invoque a superior being. YMMV.

<comment><USER9> That's false though. You don't have to start out committed to anything. You can simply pick up a religious book or attend a religious service and see if it speaks to you.

<comment><USER10> Are you a believer? Do you think it is enough to just say "I do not believe anymore for the next 2 weeks", really meaning it? If so, it means that the faith was not very strong.

Except for some specific cases, one usually grows with a religion or non- religion and this deeply forges one's perspective.

<comment><USER9> I'm an adult convert. So what I'm telling you is, I didn't have to start out believing; just curious. Obviously atheism is different because there is no particular doctrine or liturgy to involve yourself in, but you could certainly read atheist polemic.

</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER11> Please reach out to a therapist. I promise you weeks or months from now you'll be glad you did. I've seen a few specialists in person, but I would recommend starting with Talkspace, which is a great app + way to get going NOW seeing someone.

[https://talkspace.com](https://talkspace.com)

<comment><USER12> Be careful about the therapist you choose, and don't hesitate to part ways with them (edit: and find someone else) if they aren't helping you. Being stuck in a dysfunctional relationship with a therapist is worse than not seeing anyone, IMO.

</comment></comment><comment><USER13> > The wife thinks I should be here at least 1 year, or else it'll look bad on > my resume.

If the job sucks, just leave. Resume aside, the mental and physical health effects from a sucky job is not worth it.

If your wife doesn't want to listen to you, find someone that will. Tech friends, psychologist, pastor, etc.

And if you're feeling overpowered, just take one thing small that's annoying in your life and change it. Enjoy the fact that you took control of it for a moment. Then move to something a little larger and fix that. Do that enough times, and then being assertive will be a natural reaction to adverse life stimuli.

</comment><comment><USER14> It's all about priorities. You're confused on what matters the most in life and this happens to a lot of people in your exact same situation. Your kids, your wife. Let's put your job aside. A job is nothing, you're not a founder you're not following your own mission so it's just about the money to support your family. Some people would argue here but these people don't have a real purpose in life.. again, they don't follow their own missions AND they don't value family.

So, focus on your family and try to find happiness by watching your kids growing and learning about new stuff. Screaming comes from a lack of general knowledge. They're just kids... play your role in being a dad and just learn how to appreciate what you and your wife have created. That is your real mission in life. Love your wife, help your family, inspire your kids.

</comment><comment> q-base As others have pointed out negative thinking is a bitch as it always finds ways to reaffirm itself.

That being said. You never really make it. There is no magical "release". You will always have to cope with, all sorts of things that you did not really ask for - that's just part of life. Everyone goes through life like that, even the people on Magazine covers and Instagram.

Life is hard and challenging and all the better for it. With challenge comes growth. You may have to make some hard decisions but being sick and tired of it all is a good place to be. It forces you to think of ways to change.

<comment><USER15> nailed it

</comment></comment><comment><USER16> It sounds like you live for the future but don't have any vision of what that future is or know why you are trading your time now for time later.

You could try living in the present more. Alan Watts' The Book is a good way to explore that perspective shift, if you enjoy reading philosophy.

If not, try questioning your assumptions and getting out of your comfort zone a bit. The prison exists because we forget that we made the walls and the bars.

</comment><comment><USER17> One thing that might help is to talk with a licensed clinical mental health professional. Helping people in circumstances like yours is what they do. Good luck.

<comment><USER18> Seconding this. It can be hard for high achieving individuals to therapy. Many people have been able to power through life through their intellect, resilience, charisma, or whatever else they have going for them. At some point, that might not work anymore. A licensed mental health professional will help someone work through what is going on in their life. Find someone you are able to connect with and go from there.

</comment></comment><comment><USER19> If you don`t have "release" at home but feel like you are nagged there, then settle that first! I know my wife for 12 years (we are both 31y old), and we had ups and downs in our relationship. I know when we did not feel like we had support from each other at home, that that spilled out to every other sphere of our lives and we felt miserable. We grew out of that silliness, and are now living the most beautiful times of our lives. Yes, I don`t like my job either for X reasons (software engineer at gambling company), but love and understanding with her is keeping the balance up. Also, one other thing that helped is mindfulness. Just read "Mindfulness in plain English", it is such a wonderful book. Try to practice it both while sitting and meditating and in "real" life. One other thing that insta-leveled my mindfulness and made me more ok with bad/boring/sad things in life is ayahuasca but that is another story.

<comment><USER20> Ayahuasca should be considered first before you try anything super dramatic. (Divorce, Moving...etc)

It's not as big a deal as its made out to be. It like a very therapeutic yoga retreat where you puke a lot.

Also I wouldn't put quitting in that dramatic move bucket. I quit a job after 3 months and just said (I like everyone here, but I'm not using my full skill set and I could be making a bigger impact somewhere else.)

Honestly I think it made my resume BETTER. And when the company is called as a reference, they actually parrot my line word for word.

</comment></comment><comment><USER9> Perhaps you should take some time to talk to your "nagging wife" and work out your issues

<comment><USER21> I was also going to suggest starting here, with your wife. The two of you are the core. If you're not working as a mutually supporting team, it's all going to be 10X harder.

<comment><USER9> Yes, exactly. And often nagging is a symptom of feeling ignored. Most people don't nag their partners to do something if they're confident it will be done if they ask once.

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER22> Hello friend. I was in the same situation as you but it happened a bit later in my life. You need to find something outside of work and outside of the family that makes YOU happy. For me I found reading books I would not normally read (non technical) and shooting at a near by range to be ME time. I look forward to it and that makes all the difference in the world. Currently, I'm reading the whole series of Dexter books. Grab the book and head to a coffee shop... has to be out of the home... enjoy a cup of coffee and a book alone. The shooting has been great too. I now have several buddies (from the job I do not like) that meet at the range every few weeks and we spend a few hours together talking guns and ammo and other things. I hope this helps you. I know that situation well and it can be very depressing.

</comment><comment><USER23> Your problems were years in the making, and no one is going to solve them in the space allowed in an HN comment. As others have advised, go find a therapist of your choosing and talk it out. I don't know you, you don't know me, anything I have to say is probably just going to be sophistry. If you would describe your spouse as "nagging", I'd suggest couples counseling as well. Sometimes you need that objective, outside 3rd party to help settle your differences.

That said, I think many of us are familiar with what you're feeling: life is just going from one obligation to the next. I'm quite happy and like my job, but I feel the same to some extent as well. And all I have to do is go to work, walk the dogs, keep the not-nagging wife happy (no screaming kids). Still, the weekday is a. go to work b. walk dogs c. time with wife d. go to bed, then start all over. It can be a treadmill even for those of us who have few obligations and are relatively happy. What action items can you take from that? I dunno, but you're not alone nor even relatively rare.

As for some kind of outlet or release, I play a musical instrument for an hour a day. And were I new to an area, I'd go find local music "jams" to play with others. And then I make friends. :-) Music, bicycling, whatever floats your boat, and there's probably a local group that does your activity regularly. Go find those folks, hang out with them.

In closing, go find a therapist. That will be far more helpful than what you find here.

<comment><USER24> > I don't know you, you don't know me

Technically the same is true for the therapist currently.

</comment></comment><comment><USER25> Well, I'm only 26 and feel exactly the same. I don't have a wife, not even a girlfriend, not a single obligation. But I still wake up every day to go to a job I hate, and come home to nothing, feeling empty, like I am only wasting my time.

Why don't I switch jobs? Why don't I do this or that? Because I've been "switching lifestyles" (switching jobs, moving in with the GF, switching GFs, being single, etc) for the past 8 years, and every time I end up with the exact same feelings: overwhelmed, confused, depressed, stressed. So I've decided to go with the flow for a while and see what happens.

Bottom line is: sorry I can't give you any advice, but I guess life is hard no matter your situation, so I hope this can give you some consolation.

<comment><USER9> It sounds like you have no idea what you want. That's a common affliction, but you can't really satisfy your desires without figuring out what they are.

<comment><USER25> Yeah, I feel like I never knew what I want. I realize I want something, set myself to get it, but in the process I realize that's not quite what I wanted to begin with, so I have to start again. And again, and again. It's been like this for as long as I can remember. And I have suffered all along the way.

How does one figure out what they want anyway? Do you have to quit life for a while, embark on a spiritual journey into your own mind? Take psychedelic drugs? Spend a month without saying a word?

I know I sound condescending, but really, this is how I feel. I wish I felt different, and I've been working on that. Last year has been a blast, I've learned a lot, I feel like I have made real progress. But I still feel lost.

<comment><USER26> Take a read of Tao Te Ching. It's written 2500 years ago about spirituality. Find a translation you like. Don't read explanations of the poems - It's designed for you to find the meaning yourself. Once you've gotten _a_ meaning for each of the poems in relation to _your_ life (Chinese philosophy is generally experiential rather than rational, subjective rather than objective), I'm hopeful it will help you get "there" wherever "there" is. I don't think it'd take you more than a few months to a year to get through the book.

So I'd go for "embark on a spiritual journey into your own mind".

My life is completely different than 4-5 years ago. Most of the acquaintances I knew then probably think I've gone nuts, (and IMO selfish to show them how good my life is now), but my best friendships have become even better; I really like where I am right now in my life - every day I wake up and enjoy it - At this point in my life I've spirituality, health, family, finance all sorted. I've met hundreds or thousands of people in my life, have not met anyone else who've got these four things together as well as has happened to me yet (except my wife) - and I don't know if it will last; but it all started when I started poring over those poems.

Anyway - most people these days tend towards an atheist/rationalist point of view and have no interest in books on spirituality & religion from 2000+ years ago, and if you did not ask the question I would not have written this comment. I do hope it helps you on your way.

</comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER27> Your wife is probably as unhappy as you are, maybe more so if she feels like she has even less control over the situation than you do. The "nagging" is likely her way of expressing frustration and telling you she needs help. Try to avoid thinking how much easier things would be without her. Things are likely to be easier with her if you work together.

See if you can start a virtuous cycle: try finding a way to make her life even a little bit easier without expecting anything in return. If you help solve her problems, she might help solve yours, and you can start functioning as a team.

</comment><comment><USER28> Perhaps you've been making decisions based on factors other than what YOU want. Now you have a life full of things you don't want. I would say take a step back and get to know yourself again.

<comment><USER29> This is a really simple and insightful comment and one which resonates with my experiences. We are all swayed by our loved ones, friends and family, and sometimes give their opinions extra weight. It is so important to make sure that you do things that set your life plan on a path you like. Otherwise you will end up writing posts like this poor guy on HN.

Personally I decided not to follow certain career paths earlier in life, for complicated reasons which involve other people and their preferences. I've regretted that series of decisions ever since. It took awhile to realize this, and it's too late to go back.

So that's life, right? Some times you make your bed and have to sleep in it. But we can always change the future, which starts right now, every second of the day. I found a few hobbies which give me some of what I was missing.

And exercise is always underrated. When I run into difficult times an exercise regimen is most helpful. It's a meditation of sorts and much more.

</comment></comment><comment><USER30> Depression is both a cause of and result of hopeless thinking. Once your are on that cycle it can be really hard to break out of it. Consider a checkup with your doctor in case there is something physically wrong in the mix. But more likely you want to see a therapist or psychiatrist to talk through what is going on. They can be incredibly helpful at helping you get out of that cycle or at least stop feeling worse and worse. If nothing else try reading books or blogs about people living with depression to maybe find some help or advice.

Read "Your Money or Your Life." It will help you clarify your thinking on the job front. Some people I know use it as a spark to change their situation. Others find it helps them find peace where they are.

Most of all: you have a lot going on with you right now. If you can find a way to carve out time to do something for yourself and by yourself that can help make the hard parts of your life seem less insurmountable. Try offering the same to your wife. She may be just as depressed as you are and that is part of the nagging.

Lastly, don't worry about the less than a year thing. People understand sometimes things don't work out. When you interview for other jobs don't say why it was awful, just say it wasn't a good fit and have some innocuous reasons to hand for why that was. Preferably some things which your new employer would be doing differently.

It sounds like you have a lot to offer once you figure out where you want to go towards, not just away from.

<comment><USER31> +1 for Your Money or Your Life - the book that changed my life. I have been recommending that book to everyone who will listen since 2006! :)

</comment></comment><comment><USER32> Quit your job, your mental health is far more important and tech is in demand anyway; I switched away after 2 months and then again after 7 months. "1 year on a resume or else you're doomed" is bullshit, unless this is your first job ever.

Have a honest talk with your wife, it can save your relationship. Most people I know break up because they don't talk with each other enough. Remember that it's supposed to be her and you vs the problem, not her vs you.

Good luck.

</comment><comment><USER33> Are you currently contracting or working full time for your current employer? It's not clear. If the former, I don't know what the specifics are of your contract. If the latter, it's up to you to determine whether there is a manager you can discuss your dissatisfaction with ("absolutely despise" is pretty strong).

If you can't speak to anyone there to try to improve things, you're going to have to sit down with your wife and discuss the money / fulfillment / personal sanity / job security dynamics and how it's going to affect your family unit. And I do mean "the unit" \- this is affecting everyone in your household. If you're decent at your craft, a single short-term line item on your resumé shouldn't all that harmful to your career - make sure your wife understands that. Convey to her that you need at least an hour or so of peace when you get home to decompress and strategize for routines to make this possible. Remember to acknowledge and show gratitude for her sacrifice in helping you through all this.

If you don't have more optimism and a plan in place within a week or two, get thee to a therapist. Do it for your kids.

</comment><comment><USER34> 11 Months ago, I got married to a woman that I love dearly. At the time she had been going through some family issues and was taking it out on me. Shortly after we returned from our honeymoon, she became extremely irritable and unable to do common tasks on her own. After I literally put her in the car and took her to the doctor, she was diagnosed with major depression. At the same time, my department at work was being investigated due to misconduct on the former director.

At this point, I felt like as you describe every day. Here's what kept me going and will always keep me going:

I believe with all my heart that God is ultimately in control, and that there is something much better coming after this life. I never know why I'm facing the trials that I go through; maybe I'm being conditioned for something else in the future, maybe part of my purpose in life is to be able to be here and help my wife get through this.

All-in-all, I look up to God, because I know He cares. I'll keep you in my prayers.

<comment><USER34> As an addition to this, I did go talk to a therapist, and I would highly recommend it. Sometimes it's nice to talk to a professional, unbiased third- party.

</comment></comment><comment><USER35> It doesn't help that the time between the late 30's through the early 40's is the nadir of life satisfaction in general.

You may want to talk to a professional if it is really getting to be too much to handle. A good councilor will help you figure out your own path and help you identify what needs to change.

<comment><USER36> Ooo like the use of "nadir", +1

Friend , typically when the present sucks the enterprising human being lives either in the past or the future.

So as others have said; solve the present if you can , and if you can't then wait it out whilst you consider the future carefully.

</comment></comment><comment><USER31> Yes this question has appeared here too many times. :(

As someone who went through depression/burnout/divorce at 40 I really feel for what you are going through.

I wish there was an easy answer. The bottom line is don't go through this alone - get professional help.

That said, I've been through a couple of periods of burnout/depression (I'm coming up to 56 now), here's what has helped me:

1) Long walks in the fresh air every day (don't underestimate this one!). 2) CBT. 3) Taking six months off work! 4) Travel and a new hobby (scuba diving). 5) Friends and family, especially my awesome brothers, and my partner of 12 years.

Take it one step at a time. Good luck!

<comment><USER21> _1) Long walks in the fresh air every day (don 't underestimate this one!)_

CGP Grey: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o)

<comment><USER31> Very nice!!

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER37> You can not find the solution on the internet any more than you could fix an ulcer through google. A therapist will have repeated experience with this problem and it's solutions.

One important point they could identify is the cause of the problem. It may be that distress is clouding your reasoning. For example identifying the kids as part of the problem is possibly erroneous.

If you want to fix it before making an large but ineffective decision based on possibly miss-interpreted causes, I strongly recommend seeing a therapist rather quickly.

</comment><comment><USER38> First, find a good marriage counselor. Most therapists in the US are actually pretty bad at marriage counseling, focusing mainly on women and children who have been victims of abuse or addiction.

Because they're not used to having to make two parties both engaged in the process, when you and your wife go in, their prescription will be some form of "your wife is right about everything, and you need to be the one to make all the changes", which is ridiculous, because it doesn't get at the root cause of half the problems in the relationship.

Your marriage is your largest asset, and your children deserve to have it as intact and resentment-free as possible. For your screaming kids to be bothering you this much, the marriage is probably a complicating factor (don't yell at him!). So start fixing the marriage first.

If you absolutely loathe your job, devote an hour a day to replacing it. Therapy should help your wife understand that your health and well-being is more important than your career, so keep it on the down low until you have that portion addressed. It won't happen overnight.

I have no doubt your job dissatisfaction is negatively impacting your marriage. Now you know it's there, you can take steps to fix it. As soon as you start, you'll have things to look forward to, and you'll stop feeling trapped.

</comment><comment><USER39> Finding a new job seems like the minimum you should do - it's where you spend most of your day, no wonder you feel like a prisoner. I left a job earlier in my career after 9 months because it just wasn't working out. They thought they were a startup (6+ years in profitable, etc) and wanted employees to work long hours more often than I thought was acceptable. No one has ever questions the length of my gigs (whether FTE or contracts.)

I hit 40 this year, I have a 6 year old son with a chronic illness (type 1 diabetes) that requires 24/7 attention/care. There are nights we don't sleep, the school calls the house at least 5-6 times a day for advice, my wife and I have had maybe 3 date nights in the past 5 years. We make it work because we have no choice.

I work remotely (Sr. Software Dev) and while there is competition, more and more companies are allowing remote (or are completely remote) - <USER2> architects/directors/etc.

It feels like the most important thing you need right now is hope. There are plenty of remote work sites out there, start applying & interviewing. Right now you feel stuck, once you make the decision to start looking - <USER3> perspective might change just a little bit and you may realize there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

</comment><comment><USER40> You gotta change something and there's really just one option. I'm in a similar situation and recently read about Effort-Reward-Imbalance. Both variables tend towards 0 for me and to fight this darkness and boredom I started my first new project in years, a bookkeeping app of all things boring... Maybe you do miss development or smaller companies to work for. Better you pull the plug now before you burn out over this.

</comment><comment><USER41> Find a new job, job happiness will roll over into your home situation.

Yeah, it "looks bad" to be at a job less than a year, but if someone hires you, what does it really matter? I'm sure you can come up with a good reason you need to leave the job.

</comment><comment><USER42> I manage by doing things like riding a bicycle with my daughter after dinner, playing with the dog, reading old novels or reading about computer science (as a hobby, I don't work in IT), and reading stoic philosophy.

</comment><comment><USER18> > "I feel like a little bit of me is lost every day, as my mind just spirals > out of control."

I can relate to that sentence. I've been there. Sometimes it still feels like I am there.

Like others have said, I would reach out to a therapist. While I'm biased because my wife is a therapist, I saw one in college for 2 years and it changed my life. I had many of the same thoughts you are having now. Allowing myself to open up with what I was thinking and _feeling_ was the only way I was able to get myself out of that cycle of feeling powerless over my own life.

</comment><comment><USER43> Was the reason you took the job or what they led you to believe the job would be different from what you are actually doing? That's a perfectly valid reason to leave in < 1yr. As long as you convince your next employer to hire you, it won't matter. I just met someone who jumped jobs every year or every other year and it's never been an issue for him - as long as you have a good reason.

</comment><comment><USER44> >>release when you go home

Do some group fitness after work, you need some kind of third space and mental release and this covers both.

</comment><comment><USER45> When i find it tough, I remember that I am far more lucky, regardless of my situation, that some others in the world. Migrants forced from their country etc. These people always humble my own personal problems, and therefore make me feel better. Maybe this would work for you?

</comment><comment><USER46> This is Water

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL- ydFMI](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI)

[http://bulletin-archive.kenyon.edu/x4280.html](http://bulletin- archive.kenyon.edu/x4280.html)

</comment><comment><USER47> Do what you need to to make yourself happy.

If you don't, you'll be dead soon, or dead inside. And either way that's not sending a good message to your children.

You should show them a happy life, and if you need to make changes at home or at work, than do that—no matter how hard it is.

</comment><comment><USER48> You may be able to save your marriage and your family and you sanity. Have faith even though contentment seems impossible now.

How's your diet? Do you work out? Take care of your body. Do you meditate? 15 minutes in the morning of sitting and watching your breath can be a transformation.

Have you seen a counselor? Do you regularly go on dates with your wife? Do you have guys nights out with your buds?

There's a lot of little adjustments that can be made. You don't have just ONE problem, you have a lot of interconnected ones. There's no way to fix them all at once. Even if you filed for divorce, moved out, and did freelance basket weaving you'd just have another set of problems. Better to fix what you have than destroy it, we're not cell phones or toasters, we're not disposable.

Stay, fix this one step at a time. It's like a hoarders garage, lots will need to go, some stuff should stay, and you gotta just start slowly at one corner and work you way through it like an infinitely patient monk.

You may also want to try reading the book "12 Rules for life" from Jordan Peterson. There's an audio book too. It's got a lot of well laid out and researched stuff for making life better.

</comment><comment><USER49> Nagging wife -> bad sign

Job you hate -> bad sign

Probably going to get divorced and leave your job to be honest

</comment><comment><USER50> > I hate waking up, because I know it will be the same thing over again, day > after day.

Change your life. You can't do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

</comment><comment><USER51> Sounds like you need to identify some activities that bring you joy and satisfaction, and then pursue them more aggressively.

<comment><USER24> This can actually be problematic because sometimes you can be left not knowing what makes you happy - and chasing past happiness (nostalgia for example) can end up being empty.

</comment></comment><comment><USER52> Divorce.

I was in similar situation, divorce really helped. My ex respects me way more, I travel, spend more time with kid...

<comment><USER45> Yes, but consider that he maybe wants to keep a family unit together for the kids.

<comment><USER52> Sure, but it is not possible if other partner does not want to.

Other option is to let wife work for a while, and you stay at home with kids.

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER24> A lot of people here are suggesting professional help. What do you guys suggest if you're poor?

<comment><USER53> Buddhism.

<comment><USER24> What if you're poor AND atheist?

<comment><USER33> Volunteer. Find a way to help other people with worse problems than you in order to get out of your own head.

</comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER24> Try playing Paintball. You'll likely meet new people and you get to shoot them!

<comment><USER54> I would like to meet and shoot people

<comment><USER21> Travel the suburbs. Meet interesting new people, and shoot them!

<comment><USER24> Ha! I know it sounds stupid guys, but I actually think paintball is a really fun environment to meet people and build friendships. Now to be fair there are some clubs that are bad where people don't talk much and their play style is "buy a lot of our paint and lay down so much fire nobody can move around the field" because it supports their bottom line. Find a group of players that want to have fun and enjoy the game.

<comment><USER21> _Ha! I know it sounds stupid guys, but I actually think paintball is a really fun environment to meet people and build friendships._

I wasn't trying to put you down. I was just trying to call back to the old joke. A coworker of mine is into paintball.

<comment><USER24> No worries I never down-voted you (can't do that anyhow) Enjoy your Friday and the weekend!

</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER55> A lot of this resonates with me (new city, kids, wanting to quit but can't). It is a really tough spot. Especially having to suck it up all day at work and then finding it hard to unwind at night.

By the way, aren't the kids asleep at some point? Can you get some alone time then? This can be a spiraling place too, by the way (alone at night) but handled constructively can be a place to recharge.

Also, I'd echo everyone who says make improving your relationship top priority and to consider therapy.

I'm not out of the woods yet but things have gotten a litte bit better for me last six months or so:

-Took the mindset, "I'm going to take a year just to be less intense about work and improve my health and well being outside of work and tip the life-work balance much more toward 'life'. A year of just healing and self focused improvement." When I was younger everything was about drive and going above and beyond at work. I decided to just turn inward for a while and let that go. I realized I had had kids, moved, and never rebuilt my self care routines. Or any routines, really, except for some unhealthy ones.

-Stopped drinking at home at night after everyone went to sleep. This was hurting my sleep (I stay up later when I drink), my health generally (eating lot of crap due to booze, missing morning workouts), my attitude at work (due to lack of sleep, being hungover). I am reasonably sure I am not an alcoholic; quitting was somewhat surprisingly not a struggle — but I was definitely using alcohol as an escape and crutch and just bad habit.

-With my wife on board, carved out time, and more importantly personal dedication to, working out 3x week. For me it's a group exercise class I really like but I also enjoy running and would do that if I didn't have the group stuff. This helped my mood a lot, although you need to watch for exhaustion issues, especially when you first start exercising. (I had been working out roughly 1x/week for couple years then 2x week for couple months before I went to 3x.)

-At work, focused on putting one foot in front of the other — picked my battles, stopped trying to "save" the company from bad patterns, narrowed my job focus as much as I could, avoided speaking up in meetings on things that didn't directly concern me as often as I could bite my tongue. Tried to honestly assess where I have room to improve and things to learn (even if there is institutional dysfunction/injustice in my way). This made work less about misery and discontent and more about an opportunity to grow.

All this has helped give me more patience and energy with my kids and spouse. I am not perfect (I still can be defensive and snippy) but it's improved a ton from when I was maximally stressed and feeling powerless and stuck. And I find as my mindset has changes, and with help from workout endorphins and more sleep, I am more appreciative of how great my kids and wife are. (I always knew this and often expressed it but now I'm wasting less time feeling tired, angry and distracted on weekends about work crap, etc.)

Hang in there, it will get better.

(Also how old are your kids? are you getting sleep? The sleep situation improves a lot every year for the first several years!)

</comment><comment><USER56> Same situation only a bit later in life (I've got good genes, knock on wood...) In fact, I already had a mid-life crisis in my 30s, coz my first wife told me I would die at 60 (she was a palm-reader.) So my advice to the youngsters reading this: have your mid-life crisis before your first hemorrhoid, it helps. Regarding the wifey and kids, I found a partner who knows my situation at home and we do crazy things with her just to blow the steam. Then I confess on Sunday and it's all good.</comment>


FAC system Rubik's Cube solver - <AUTHOR> https://blog.zok.pw/hacking/2015/08/18/fac-rubik-solver/ <comment><USER2> Post ends with:

"This project was fun. It was very exciting to bring it to life step by step, and such a pleasure to see it working after we put so much effort in it. But this is nothing compared to how much we learned thanks to it. What seemed to be pretty easy from the beginning, turned out to be very tricky in details. I could not imagine I would have to learn statistical methods and clustering algorithms, dust off my school notes on electronics (though we only need the basics here), and discover a number of useful tools and services on the way."

These are exactly my feelings after reading through this marvelous blog post.</comment>


APIs for fun personal projects - <AUTHOR> https://www.hpe.com/us/en/insights/articles/9-apis-for-the-geekiest-1905.html <comment><USER2> One of my personal favorites: [https://pokemontcg.io/](https://pokemontcg.io/)

Which I used to make this a couple years ago: [https://codepen.io/brundolf/full/KNjzaL](https://codepen.io/brundolf/full/KNjzaL)

</comment><comment> Xt-6 If you like cats: [https://thecatapi.com/](https://thecatapi.com/)</comment>


Hong Kong for International Business: Stick a Fork in It - <AUTHOR> https://www.chinalawblog.com/2019/08/hong-kong-for-international-business-stick-a-fork-in-it.html <comment><USER2> IMHO author is a US 'China expert' ripoff, source: I sought a quote from him and his rates were (even by lawyer standards) absolutely atrocious.

His interest in writing this article is clearly in removing HK in client minds as it's effective competition for him.

I can recommend alternative law firms by email.</comment>


Former pet parrots breeding and thriving in 23 U.S. states - <AUTHOR> https://relay.nationalgeographic.com/proxy/distribution/public/animals/2019/05/tropical-pet-parrots-settle-united-states <comment><USER2> Huge number on parrots here in San Diego flying around the El Cajon area flocking from tree to tree. Residents hate them because they are very loud. [https://www.cbs8.com/article/news/local/your- stories/flock-o...](https://www.cbs8.com/article/news/local/your- stories/flock-of-parrots-flying-around-el- cajon/509-16c3cbd1-b561-4d54-8d72-601e9dc0555c)

</comment><comment><USER3> Ugh these bloody birds. There are big flocks of them in London, and they are now moving out into suburban areas like northern Surrey. They are really loud and annoying, and just don't look/sound right in leafy England! I'd support a cull.

</comment><comment><USER4> link not working for me :(

<comment><USER5> [https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/2019/05/tropical-...](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/2019/05/tropical- pet-parrots-settle-united-states/)</comment></comment>


Ask HN: public code reviews? - old-gregg

I've been wondering if there are active online communities out there where you can conduct a public code review? I've been using pastie+IRC for a while, but I wonder if there's a better option.
Why? Because every time I pick up a new language or a library I keep wondering if I'm using it in a proper idiomatic way as opposed to (for instance) "writing C++ in Python syntax".
Lately I've been itching to have a jQuery fan look at how I'm using this library and make me feel really, really stupid. <comment><AUTHOR> One option: <http://refactormycode.com>

</comment><comment><USER2> The <http://stackoverflow.com> community might also be helpful for this.</comment>


SemanticProxy: Jump-Starting the Semantic Web - <AUTHOR> http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/reuters_semanticproxy_jump-start.php

<comment><USER2> Same silly data collection based on NLP and/or meta-data. Reuters is not going to jump start anything until they pair this with a meaningful notion of user intent.

<comment><USER3> Why don't _you_ pair it? The advance with opencalais is that they offer a production-level service that's very easy to use and integrate. (Especially when they get normalization working.)

Jump start != produce a complete end-to-end solution including whatever components you happen to think are essential</comment></comment>


Show HN: Midas – Easy way to enrich your email lists - <AUTHOR> http://fetch.amplemarket.com/midas <comment><USER2> Where's the terms of service? I suggest to NOT use this service as it is pretty evident they will steal your precious leads list.

<comment><USER3> Yep. Well spotted.

</comment></comment><comment><USER4> Interesting product. However, our problem is usually the inverse. We have a name + company + LinkedIn, but want the email address.

</comment><comment><USER5> You might want to add SSL (through Lets Encrypt) to give the user any trust. I am not uploading a list of email addresses of other people when they can he hijacked.

<comment><AUTHOR> You are totally right rahkiin. We will take care of that ASAP.

</comment></comment><comment><USER6> Hi, nice idea, but what kind of source do you use to enrich data?</comment>


PHP Developer Guide for Modern Web Development Workflow Setup - <AUTHOR> https://codewithbenefit.com/php-developer-guide-for-modern-web-development-workflow-setup-2692a1e71bf7 <comment><USER2> Thanks for posting, I appreciate this.

Over the last couple of years I've been trying to improve my PHP workflow after being exposed to skilled rails developers. This guide is a big productivity improvement over my old habits of setting up a LAMP/LNMP stack just to spin up a quick prototype.

The deployments and integration tips are also a lot cleaner than my current process.

Looking forward to my weekend hobby projects even more now.</comment>


How to Get Involved with Open Source and be Successful - <AUTHOR> http://www.slideshare.net/caniszczyk/open-source-from-the-trenches-how-to-get-involved-with-open-source-and-be-successful

<comment><USER2> I will contend that certain things are difficult depending upon age.

That frosty drink is well-neigh impossible unless it is a private affair. It is almost as impossible when you look 15. Age is sometimes important when attempting to get the attention of your peers.

Other than that, it's pretty spot-on, and other than the mentor/GSoC items, that was exactly how I got involved in open source.

EDIT: I will qualify the age issue. If you are 18/19 and you are attending a conference where the median age is 26 and the everyone there is 22 or older, you will find it awkward to say hi. I experienced this at my first CakeFest in Germany, and was lucky enough that a few random developers took me in as part of their social group.</comment>


Family Life and Startup Life Don't Mix - <AUTHOR> http://www.gobignetwork.com/wil/2007/12/11/family-life-and-startup-life-dont-mix/10227/view.aspx <comment><USER2> No person's dying words have ever been "I wish I had spent more time at the office." It seems to me this article serious confuses ends and means. You have to set priorities for everything that you do in life, but postponing marriage and starting a family--once you are ready for it--because you want to do a startup is a serious mistake in my opinion. In August of 1994 I left my job just as my first son was born to start up company with a partner. I learned a lot and have no regrets for any of it. I can't imagine postponing starting a family, because the time was right, and I can't imagine postponing doing the startup, because the time was also right.

People can always find excuses to avoid their family or do poorly on their job. Last Thanksgiving (2006) I posted some quotes that I think are relevant:

"Many men can make a fortune but very few can build a family." J. S. Bryan

"He will always be a slave who does not know how to live upon a little." Horace

For more see [http://www.skmurphy.com/blog/2006/11/23/quotes-for- thanksgiv...](http://www.skmurphy.com/blog/2006/11/23/quotes-for- thanksgiving/)

</comment><comment><USER3> I think for the YC audience, it isn't a choice between having a family or not. I think the article is supposed to be an affirmation of what PG says in Why Not Not to Start a Startup: <http://www.paulgraham.com/notnot.html>.

It's good for us to know that someone else out there is affirming the YC model: do it young, before kids.

<comment><USER2> I think the YC audience may be more diverse than you realize--there may be many with families and some with grandchildren. Also, starting a family and starting a start-up are both a process. Is it less work when you have 12 employees and a large payroll to meet than when you and your co-founders are still struggling to find the first niche for your product? Both are stressful in different ways. From what I read of PG's quote it's "I wouldn't advise anyone with a family to start a startup. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, just that I don't want to take responsibility for advising it."</comment></comment>


22.214.171.124 for Families - <AUTHOR> https://blog.cloudflare.com/introducing-1-1-1-1-for-families/ <comment><USER3> This would have been better if it _was_ a joke. Big welcome to our new moral police, now encoded in two bits of a vanity IP address! Not a word spared for what kind of content is filtered, how they evaluate websites, any kind of appeals process... they did manage to portray it as helping the COVID-19 pandemic relief, though.

Edit: I missed this text:

> In the coming months, we will provide the ability to define additional > configuration settings for 188.8.131.52 for Families. This will include options > to create specific whitelists and blacklists of certain sites. You will be > able to set the times of the day when categories, such as social media, are > blocked and get reports on your household's Internet usage.

Regardless, I am still opposed to this service, and opposed to all forms of internet censorship and spyware. CloudFlare is already really bad for the internet, and this isn't helping their case.

<comment><USER4> _> Regardless, I am still opposed to this service, and opposed to all forms of internet censorship_

I'm genuinely confused as to where your complaint is coming from. Isn't this Cloudflare DNS server "opt in" for families? Why would _voluntary filters_ be censorship? Censorship is more "top down" (e.g. government) that you can't opt out of.

Likewise, I just "opted into" into NextDNS a few days ago to block ads so I didn't have to set up a Raspberry Pi-hole. Is NextDNS "censoring" ads? Well yes, because that's what I want.

<comment><USER3> A "family" is not a single entity. It's not voluntary for those who are being blocked.

<comment><USER5> It is not voluntary for my children to leave their phones downstairs and go to bed at a bedtime I picked myself, but I think that's OK.

It is entirely commonplace for a family to impose restrictions on its children — anything less is neglect.

<comment><USER6> If your children are young enough that they need a specific time to go to bed, why did you give them phones in the first place? Surely they'd be too young for them?

It also seems very strange to deem _not_ restricting information as neglect. Why not just have a conversation about them as to why they shouldn't do whatever you want them not to do? Advice doesn't breed distrust, but censorship and other regulations do.

</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER7>
      $ host www.sex.com
      www.sex.com is an alias for dmz01.cdn.live.
      dmz01.cdn.live has address 188.8.131.52

      $ host www.sex.com 220.127.116.11
      Host www.sex.com not found: 5(REFUSED)

      $ host www.nothing 184.108.40.206
      Host www.nothing not found: 3(NXDOMAIN)

I hadn't noticed a DNS REFUSED response before. That seems reasonable, although a web browser's error message doesn't differ between REFUSED and NXDOMAIN.

<comment><USER8> The error may differ if the zone is signed with DNSSEC.

NXDOMAIN is a valid response that won't pass a signature verification.

REFUSED just means that DNS Server can't or won't provide a response at this time.

<comment><USER9> "Can't provide a response" should be SERVFAIL.

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER10> While anyone technical can easily get around DNS filter it is a nice option for helping prevent accidental exposure to pornography.

I'm looking forward to when the customization options are available as an alternative/addition to OpenDNS. The morality police argument doesn't seem to hold much water if they are going to let you whitelist or blacklist anything you want or turn categories on or off.

<comment><USER11> I can imagine some impatient parents will start black listing Kidz Bop videos or anything else that bothers them. It will also lead to some very creative punishments. Like blocking online gaming.

<comment><USER12> some work without dns though!

battle.net comes to mind... that always connected, even if my providers DNS failed.

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER13> My friends who grew up in the middle east: Remember how our ISPs used to block "adult content". Did that stop anyone? It just lead to repression and a black market. On the bright side, circumventing those blocks as a kid got me interested in computers in the first place.

Regardless, it is an interesting service. I would imagine that corporations, who have the tech support and need, will find this more useful than non- technical families.

Examples:

[https://www.vpn-accounts.com/blog/how-to-open-blocked- sites-...](https://www.vpn-accounts.com/blog/how-to-open-blocked-sites-in- saudi-arabia-2/)

[https://www.jakarta100bars.com/2019/10/porn-websites- blocked...](https://www.jakarta100bars.com/2019/10/porn-websites-blocked- dubai-uae-unblock.html)

<comment><USER14> > On the bright side, circumventing those blocks as a kid got me interested in > computers in the first place.

Porn really is the driver of many technical innovations. Home movies and online financial transactions, for example, wouldn't be where they are today if people weren't so dedicated to watching other people smush.

</comment></comment><comment><USER15> It's not a good idea to trust a single large organization with your data, even if they make claims to privacy. It's even worse to let them control what get censored and what gets through.

If you care about privacy, I recommend running your _own_ resolver with Unbound, and block ads/tracking/malware/adult content etc. using Pi-Hole.

[https://nlnetlabs.nl/projects/unbound/about/](https://nlnetlabs.nl/projects/unbound/about/)

[https://pi-hole.net/](https://pi-hole.net/)

</comment><comment><USER16> Adult content - is this

* Just porn * Erotic content (eg lingerie shops) * Any sexual content (eg Wikipedia article on anal sex) * Or also e.g. medically relevant (sex ed, abortion provider sites, ...) * Gore, violence, videos of people dying ... * Information on or shops for drugs * Content on terrorism, weapons, manuals to build bombs * Content on Al Qaeda, Scientology and other extreme/dangerous religious stuff * ...

?

<comment><USER17> Things that are not for kids. I think it is a broad category. What element is not fitting there for you?

<comment><USER7> "Not for kids" varies widely in the western world.

The average American seems happy with plenty of violence, but any nudity at all is strictly off-limits.

I can't write "average European" for this, but most would prefer less violence and accept more nudity. There's still plenty of difference within Europe.

There are also websites that are for teenagers, which some parents would be uncomfortable with -- LGBT support and advice sites for example, or even general sex education.

<comment><USER18> > I can't write "average European" for this,

You can't write "average American" for this, either.

<comment><USER7> The US has a common film rating system for all cinemas etc, which is at least some standard the whole country is implicitly supporting.

Europe doesn't, and so a film can receive different ratings in each country.

The first film I found searching for a good example of this, _Eight Grade_ , is rated suitable for children in Luxembourg, Spain, Sweden etc, and 15 year olds in the UK and Ireland -- with the UK possibly more concerned with the language than the sex.

The US rates the film R, so 17.

[https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7014006/parentalguide?ref_=tt_s...](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7014006/parentalguide?ref_=tt_stry_pg#certification)

<comment><USER19> Eight Grade has a 15 rating in the UK.

Here's the BBFC (British Board of Film Classification) listing for it: [https://bbfc.co.uk/releases/eighth- grade-2018](https://bbfc.co.uk/releases/eighth-grade-2018)

The ratings info says this:

> Language

> There is strong language ('f __k '), as well as milder terms (for example, > 'dick', 'shit', 'goddamn', 'God', 'Jesus Christ').

> Sex

> There is a scene in which a web search shows a woman explaining a sexual > technique, accompanied by strong sex references.

> There is also a scene in which a young teenage girl suffers a panic attack, > as well as one in which an older teenage boy tries to pressurise a younger > teenage girl into having sex; however, she does not agree to this.

I don't know enough about BBFC to say which of these they place more importance upon.

(Eighth Grade is a very good film btw, and A24 are currently my favourite film production / distribution company).

</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER20> DNS isn't appropriate for filtering porn or ads. It's easy to get around and not fine-grained enough. In fact, the largest porn site in the world is unblocked.

        $ dig @188.8.131.52 reddit.com
        reddit.com. 298 IN A 184.108.40.206

And the largest advertising and tracking site.

        $ dig @22.214.171.124 pagead2.googlesyndication.com
        pagead2.googlesyndication.com. 262 IN CNAME pagead46.l.doubleclick.net.
        pagead46.l.doubleclick.net. 262 IN A 220.127.116.11

<comment><USER21> Plus a lot of other family-friendly sites for the edification of your kids:

        $ host www.stormfront.org 188.8.131.52
        www.stormfront.org has address 188.8.131.52

<comment><USER22> Most HN users would prefer that site isn't blocked, so bad example.

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER23> I have little kids and don't want them to accidentally stumble onto malware or porn sites. But I still don't like this kind of policing happening at the DNS layer. Even more do given his their previous service became a huge success.

Btw I see some resemblance with google here. Initially they were all "do no harm". Only after they captured the whole market we realized we shouldn't have succumbed to free shit. These guys are following the same model. Give free shit and get traffic, even though they lose money. They themselves claim they only charge businesses not consumers.

<comment><USER10> > I have little kids and don't want them to accidentally stumble onto malware > or porn sites. But I still don't like this kind of policing happening at the > DNS layer.

Where do you set up the filtering or accountability? With so many connected devices in houses I've found DNS is common denominator. It's perhaps the easiest to circumvent, but it covers all the mobile devices, gaming consoles, etc. that are connected to my home network.

My kids are too young to circumvent things, but if they start doing that I'll be equal parts proud and preparing for a loving talk.

<comment><USER24> Right, and IMHO by the time they're old enough to start circumventing the filters then they're old enough to see the content. It's a self-enforcing gate. You're not mature enough to see the content until you're mature enough to circumvent the filters :D

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER25> YouTube says "Some results have been removed because Restricted Mode is enabled by your network administrator." when I'm on the Family DNS. How does this work? How can they know what DNS I'm using?

<comment><USER26> Huh! Did some quick Googling:

> YouTube Restrict works by re-mapping YouTube IP addresses to the CNAME > restrict.youtube.com (or restrictmoderate.youtube.com). It means that > instead of visiting YouTube at their normal IP addresses, you will re-route > the traffic to a special load balancer provided by Google that will block > access to non children friendly videos.

I did not know about that

[https://cleanbrowsing.org/articles/block-youtube-comments- re...](https://cleanbrowsing.org/articles/block-youtube-comments-restricted- mode)

</comment></comment><comment><USER27> Sadly, the trend for browsers to bypass system-level DNS resolution in favor of DNS-over-HTTPS means this kind of filtering is quickly becoming obsolete.

<comment><USER28> There is a canary domain in Firefox to prevent it from switching to DoH: [https://support.mozilla.org/en-US/kb/canary-domain-use- appli...](https://support.mozilla.org/en-US/kb/canary-domain-use-application- dnsnet)

<comment><USER29> You could also user a policy.json for Firefox to permanently disable it. I don't see Firefox dropping this option as it is important for enterprise users.

[https://github.com/mozilla/policy- templates](https://github.com/mozilla/policy-templates)

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER30> So '126.96.36.199 for Families' is actually 126.96.36.199 or 18.104.22.168. Bit confusing, for non-tech-savvy families. Why not just call it 126.96.36.199 (viz version 2).

<comment><USER31> 188.8.131.52 is no more confusing than 184.108.40.206 to someone who has no idea what dns is. Both are completely meaningless.

<comment><USER32> The confusing part is that the name of 126.96.36.199 is "188.8.131.52 for families."

<comment><USER33> Because 188.8.131.52 is a Brand to them

<comment><USER34> It's just an IP to me. I see OPs point. Thinking of your IP address as a brand is confusing.

At least with a word like Apple, the capital "A" designates it as a proper noun and can easily be recognized as a brand or company name in most cases.

</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER35> Stopped using Cloudflare's DNS some weeks ago. I got from time to time errors (no page showing, forgot the exact error message) which never happened with Google's DNS. FYI I'm using DoT (DNS over TLS) on the router exclusively and I'm not living in USA.

<comment><AUTHOR> Did you report this to us? Would be interested to know why.

<comment><USER36> (I'm not the OP) My experience was that 184.108.40.206 didn't interact well with captive.apple.com so I had a lot of confusing experiences on planes and airports, and eventually had to stop using it.

<comment><USER37> How long ago was that, if I can ask?

</comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER38> On Android you have to specify a hostname for DNS (a bit ironic), which is 1dot1dot1dot1.cloudflare-dns.com.

However, it does not seem 1dot1dot1dot3.cloudflare-dns.com works yet.

</comment><comment><USER39> I read two pages before I realized this was obviously an April 1 joke. Then I got to the "Not A Joke" section. What??? I don't think Cloudflare should be in this business.

Also, how are they going to make this configurable like they write? Tie the configuration to the IP address? What if someone has a shared or dynamic IP address?

<comment><USER40> > Also, how are they going to make this configurable like they write? Tie the > configuration to the IP address? What if someone has a shared or dynamic IP > address?

Likely the same way as opendns, nextdns, and a ton of other dns providers who do the same. It's for home use - if it doesn't fit your home use case, then use another filter.

<comment><USER39> Thanks. Interesting, I had no idea this was so much of a thing already.

</comment></comment></comment><comment><USER41> Where can the public see, in real time, a complete list of exactly which domains are blocked on those servers?

</comment><comment><USER42> If we get a 126.96.36.199 with all of easylist ad blocked.. that would be smashing! Pi-hole for the internet.

</comment><comment><USER43> As a general response to negativity here (which seems to largely stem around technical concerns over what is implemented and how), I think this is cool and fine.

As a kid I would have figured out a way to get around this, and that would have been part of the fun, but, this option adds more choice to the market and that is a good thing.

</comment><comment><USER44> I'd love to hear the pros/cons of filtering adult content at the DNS resolver level. I'm assuming the (current) lack of whitelists, along with a black-box algorithm to decide what constitutes adult content, reduces the usefulness.

<comment><USER45> The pros are obvious. The cons, irrespective of _what_ is blocked, are very similar to the problems with DNS hijacking that ISPs and others have done over the years. It affects _all protocols_ , not just HTTP(S). It affects everything from turning IP addresses in logfiles into domain names, through double-reverse-lookup checks in TCP services, to SMTP electronic mail.

Block _advertising_ this way, and one hits the further problem that one often wants to operate based upon more than just the domain part of the URL. Or one wants to do things like make temporary redirects to static placeholder images. Fiddling with DNS service cannot achieve these.

* [http://jdebp.uk./FGA/verisign-internet-coup.html](http://jdebp.uk./FGA/verisign-internet-coup.html)

</comment></comment><comment><USER46> I'm a network administrator for a small private school and this seems like it would be a good solution for us. We generally try to keep the kids away from the "bad" sites and their systems are mostly locked down (managed iPads and Chromebooks).

In the past we used OpenDNS for DNS filtering and it worked pretty well. Then they were purchased by Cisco and the prices went up and functionality went down. If CloudFlare can offer some management capabilities (ie. whitelist / blacklist) we would switch in a minute. I can't wait to see how this product matures.

</comment><comment><USER47> I was a little put off by this at first but can see why people want it and happy they offer isolated malware filter (what ever that means, still skeptical) and adult + malware filter.

</comment><comment><USER48> I have unbound at my house providing normal DNS -> DoH to Cloudflare DNS.

I don't see any IPv6 endpoints published for the 18.104.22.168 and 18.104.22.168 equivalents, do they exist?

<comment><USER49> You can see the IPv6 addresses here: [https://developers.cloudflare.com/184.108.40.206/126.96.36.199-for- famili...](https://developers.cloudflare.com/220.127.116.11/220.127.116.11-for-families/)

For malware:

* 2606:4700:4700::1112

* 2606:4700:4700::1002

For malware and adult:

* 2606:4700:4700::1113

* 2606:4700:4700::1003

</comment></comment><comment><USER50> "No Advertisement and No Tracking" would be nice. Right now I keep Web Advertisment low with a manually installed anti-advertisement hosts file.

<comment><USER51> Check out nextdns (pi-hole like service)

</comment></comment><comment><USER52> any idea on what it means as malware?

<comment><USER53> Or "Adult Content?"

<comment><USER54> Adult content I think would be an easier category to filter on. However I would love it if they released the list of their blocked domains.

<comment><USER55> Adult content is notoriously hard to filter on since nobody can agree what qualifies, and pretty much any site with user-generated content has content that is objectionable to _someone_.

Do you filter Wikipedia as "adult content"? Certainly one of these[1] images qualifies under most standards?

1: _NSFW_ [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MediaWiki:Bad_image_list](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MediaWiki:Bad_image_list)

<comment><USER56> I have never seen the wikipedia "bad image list" before - and I am confused ... after clicking on a few of these images, randomly, every single one (under File Usage) reports:

No pages on the English Wikipedia use this file (pages on other projects are not listed).

... so why do these images persist in the wikipedia ?

<comment><USER7> The fourth one on the list is used on the page "Phallus".

But I can't answer your question.

</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER57> gaycenter.org, a New York LGBTQ community center, is blocked.

Stormfront is not.

So. That's pretty gross.

<comment><USER58> I would be curious to learn more about how they classify websites.

I would imagine they automatically crawl and do some basic keyword matching, so false positives are expected. Curious about stormfront though.

</comment></comment><comment><USER59> CIRA doing the same thing:

[https://www.cira.ca/earlyaccess](https://www.cira.ca/earlyaccess)

</comment><comment><USER60> ha, had to include a "this is not a joke" April Fool's disclaimer at bottom. Why not just release it tomorrow?

<comment><USER61> Launching 220.127.116.11 stuff on April first has been kinda their marketing strategy for the 4 x 1 factor.

</comment></comment><comment><USER62> Filtering out ad websites would be more useful for me. I'm using [https://pgl.yoyo.org/adservers/](https://pgl.yoyo.org/adservers/) with my own DNS, but probably big website like Cloudflare could block even more ad websites.

</comment><comment><USER63> For everyone complaining about the porn filtering, That malware filtering will actually be a godsend for companies.

Running an extra internal dns server just to do 'last chance' filtering is extra maintenance i don't want to have to do. I'd much rather let cloudflare do that.

</comment><comment><USER64> > Cloudflare's business has never involved selling user data or targeted > advertising

The cloudfare site calls googletagmanager.com, marketo.com, linkedin.com, and bizible.com. Do any of these sell user data or support targeted advertising?

</comment><comment><USER65> What are there other solutions for filtering content? My kid is very far from getting any screen time but my imagination always was just block everything except kids wiki and maybe some other sites (dunno yet at this point).

</comment><comment><USER66> 220.127.116.11/126.96.36.199 & 18.104.22.168/22.214.171.124 DNS resolvers incorrectly resolves one of India's largest banks domain name "retail.onlinesbi.com" to 0.0.0.0

</comment><comment><USER67> I think an all encompassing system like this as a sort of big government watching every move we make for "our benefit". It's probably wiser to install a _tiny_ software that blocks unwanted content that you can uninstall than to give power to a giant entity monitoring every site you visit online.

Sure you can change your country at an individual level but why create a problem in the first place.

</comment><comment><USER68> Hmm. Do they block information about breast cancer because kids shouldn't be exposed to breasts?

</comment><comment><USER69> I feel that transparency would be key, to understand what cloudflare considers good/bad.

As we can see in this thread, there's _already_ been a mistaken block - <USER2> many, many more of these to come.

They will be chasing their tail between their legs for years to come, and they'll only get bad PR from this.

It'll be dead and buried in a year after a shit storm hits reddit

</comment><comment><USER70> This is the solution that should have existed in the first place

</comment><comment><USER71> Why are the people in the illustrations missing eyes?

</comment><comment><USER72> For families of people without eyes, apparently.

</comment><comment><USER73> Shame on you, cloudflare.

</comment><comment><USER74> gave 18.104.22.168 a try. unfortunately it blocks things like doctors lectures on coronavirus on youtube.

<comment> _-david-_ This is DNS blocking so it would be blocking all of Youtube or none of it.

</comment></comment><comment><USER75> > Adult Content

They don't understand the political world they just entered.

Or the amount of work this will take.

They have to take a stance so many political issues from here.

From a company that prided itself on non-censorship (Minus two cases). This is easy, twice they have broken and been hated for it.

Now, the twitter campaigns that will smash them on everything, in a sustained way.....

<comment><USER76> Cloudflare has never been anti-censorship. This kind of service fits them like a glove. They're going to love being the moral police.

</comment></comment><comment><USER77> this seems like a disturbing trend for the company that often championed the idea of a free and open internet. First they dropped the Daily Stormer as a customer, then 8chan, then chimpmania which was terminated with a change.org petition. Now we have a new service no one asked for that seeks to block lewd websites and "malware"?

Whats changed? did Matthew prince suddenly give up on free speech? or is it just another way to identify a target demographic.

</comment><comment><USER78> Nice April's fool. :)

Edit: Ok, I guess not. But how?

</comment><comment><USER79> Having different DNS for different purpose is imo not a great solution for not tech people.

<comment><USER80> It's great, I can stick 1.3 on the dhcp serevr for the kids vlan and keep 1.1 on the office vlan.

<comment><USER81> If you believe your kids can't figure out tech nor their friends friends can then maybe 1.3 may be safer on your office vlan.

<comment><USER29> If you have vlans set up at your house you might have a decent firewall that can block dns requests to unauthorized servers, so there's that.

<comment><USER80> The goal is to prevent accidental stuff coming through while we're sat on a computer together.

</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER6> On one hand, this is really ridiculous.

On the other hand, it might lead to the next generation of children who kick their technical careers off by figuring out how to circumvent censorship and that despise the companies enforcing it.

Maybe not, though.

<comment><USER82> On the other hand, my solution to subverting AOL parental controls was to... log into my mom's account.

</comment></comment><comment><USER83> This is an excellent Twitter thread explaining in detail the problems with providing such a service for """families""" -

[https://twitter.com/SarahJamieLewis/status/12453743777570406...](https://twitter.com/SarahJamieLewis/status/1245374377757040640)

</comment><comment><USER84>
        $ host www.glaad.org 184.108.40.206
        Using domain server:
        Name: 220.127.116.11
        Address: 22.214.171.124#53
        Aliases:

        Host www.glaad.org not found: 5(REFUSED)

Looks like some things don't change. This is the kind of shit Peacefire was exposing back in the 1990s: Completely innocuous GLBTQ+ content being labeled as "inappropriate" by content censors. And Cloudflare doesn't even have the figleaf excuse of having a financial incentive to dance to the tune of the kinds of people who think GLAAD is somehow inherently bad.

[http://www.peacefire.org/](http://www.peacefire.org/)

Also:

        $ host www.peacefire.org 188.8.131.52
        Using domain server:
        Name: 220.127.116.11
        Address: 22.214.171.124#53
        Aliases:

        www.peacefire.org is an alias for peacefire.org.
        peacefire.org has address 188.8.131.52
        peacefire.org mail is handled by 10 mail.peacefire.org.

This verges on the comedic.

<comment><USER7> Even worse:

      Host www.thetrevorproject.org not found: 5(REFUSED)

That's a site for teenagers with "trained counselors are here to support you 24/7\. If you are a young person in crisis, feeling suicidal, or in need of a safe and judgment-free place to talk, call …"

It's also exactly the type of site that's first on the list of examples of what _not_ to block, by any privacy / anti-censorship group. It should have been an easy test before launching.

<comment><USER85> This should definitely not be the case. We are getting this fixed. We will have a reporting page up shortly to also make it easier to report these type of issues.

<comment><USER85> This has been fixed.

<comment><USER7> That is impressively fast!

There's a site run by the Open Rights Group in the UK, recording incorrect blocks made by ISP-provided "parental control" filters.

They already check against OpenDNS, so I assume they'll add 18.104.22.168.

There are lists of overblocked domains: [https://www.blocked.org.uk/stats](https://www.blocked.org.uk/stats)

<comment><AUTHOR> Super helpful. Thanks. Will get that to the team.</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment>


Operators will lose $54 billion by 2016 due to SMS replacement apps - <AUTHOR> http://www.fiercewireless.com/europe/press-releases/ovum-figures-indicate-operators-will-lose-us54bn-2016-due-smartphone-messag-0 <comment><USER2> No - consumers will save $54 billion by 2016. They'll then spend those savings on other things.

It's a good thing.

But I'm afraid it's not the only industry about to get absolutely crushed by progress. This story reminds me of the time Steve Jurvetson (a VC of DFJ fame) discussed the amusing interactions he had with a large engine oil company.

He clearly illustrated to them them how, and why, their synthetic engine oil business ($10 billion a year) was about to get absolutely decimated by the introduction of essentially maintenance-free electric vehicles. He then told them that they had better diversify their synthetic oil cash cow, before electric vehicles came in and ate them for breakfast.

Did they bother heading his warning? No. Instead, they laughed in his face.

Everyone that services cars is next on this list - outside of brake pads and body panel beaters.

I wonder how long it will be before there's an article that states: "World to lose $15 trillion as AI and automation replace most humans."

<comment><USER3> > I wonder how long it will be before there's an article that states: "World > to lose $15 trillion as AI and automation replace most humans."

Not very long.

We are way pass the points on a bell-shaped curve were an increase in efficiency (due to technological progress, and accumulation of knowledge) produces an increase in overall job numbers.

We are now somewhere over the hump, and are at a point were for every job efficiency creates, it removes 2-5 overall jobs.

Full employment is no longer sustainable.

<comment><USER4> I agree that full employment is not sustainable.

But that's a positive thing. Full employment in 1857 meant everyone from the age of 13 working 60 hours a week in rough conditions. Now full employment means everyone over 21 working 48 hours a week in a safe environment. In 30 years it will mean people between 21 and 35 working 20 hours a week at home. That's progress.

<comment><USER5> Assuming the system keeps up. Right now it is nearly impossible for _many of us_ to work part-time without taking a huge hourly rate cut. You can (sometimes) work as a contractor/consultant, but then the tax and healthcare systems are stacked against you.

I personally think it is insane that we still work 40 hours per week today. Many people seem to deal with the ridiculous situation by wasting time at work (e.g. surfing Reddit for half the day). This is bad for the bottom line and, more importantly (because the effect is broader), bad for employee-morale.

I think part of the problem is that many in our society (talking about the US here) equate hours with "work". If you don't put in the time, you must not have done the work. And if you do the work in less time, you should just do more work (even when that doesn't make sense).

This jives with the message we keep hearing from the political class. That we have had things too good and that we just can't afford for everyone to have such "lavish" lifestyles any more. They seem to think things need to move in the opposite direction, more people working longer for less compensation.

I strongly disagree. But then, I am much more concerned with the quality and general happiness of my life overall than I am with how many widgets I create or consume.

</comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER6> UK: sms messaging here provides me with a _uniform_ and _universal_ way of contacting any mobile phone owner who want to be contacted, e.g. students I need to tell about a classroom change.

I just use a Web service like bulksms. In the UK and I believe Europe, receiving an sms message does not cost the recipient any money. I don't have to track who uses facebook and who uses twitter, they don't have to 'follow' or 'like' some institutional account.

<comment><USER7> Use RSS, e-mail, or as you said Twitter. There are a lot of alternative solutions to this problem.

I grant that lack of uniformity is a problem.

<comment><USER6> That was the point I was making but didn't communicate effectively. There are a _lot_ of _different_ alternatives. Most of these alternatives are not 'push' but depend on the recipient monitoring something.

In the Further Education college I teach in, 98% of students have a mobile phone. Many of those are basic pay as you go dumb phones. Some feature phones, Blackberry phones are popular in UK with teenagers. A few have iPhones and Samsung and the LG slabby things. Not all have Web access on the phone (or have it but don't want to turn it on).

A result that surprised me was that teenagers _don't access the Web that much_ on laptops or desktops.

The common denominator here is sms. I get 98% access. It costs a little money, but not huge. I hope it does not go away as we have brand (phone, carrier) dependent messaging.

<comment><USER8> SMS is great and should not go away. Charging a non trivial amount per message is ridiculous. US carriers are the worst offenders on this. They charge up to 20c to the sender AND the recipient.

</comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER9> Do people in the US tend to pay for individual text messages?

Almost everyone in the UK has an unlimited or close to unlimited texting plan (3000+ texts). Given that everyone's paying for it anyway, the actual revenue gained by someone sending a text is 0. In fact, because a text will use some tiny amount of infrastructure, they'll potentially lose more money the more texts people send.

Most people I know who use whatsapp use it more like an IM client for group messages rather than for one-to-one messaging. As _everyone_ has more or less unlimited texting available to them, nobody uses whatsapp for financial reasons because there's no savings made.

This will only be an issue once people start to realise that they're not using as many texts and demand to pay less. I can't see that happening in the UK.

<comment><USER10> "Almost everyone" is basically almost everyone _you know_. It's difficult to find data on the market share of pay as you go plans in the UK but I'm sure it's a significant portion of the market. These plans typically charge for individual text messages unless you get a special plan or meet some criteria (e.g. top up at least £10 a month).

<comment><USER11> It's _huge_. The most recent OFCOM market report[1] reckons just over half of all mobile customers in the UK are on PAYGO. Don't under-estimate the UK pre- pay (PAYGO) market. It's quite easy to, because most people reading this are probably on contract themselves.

Not only is pre-pay half the market in the UK, it's by far the hardest to retain. Pre-pay customers aren't loyal (partly because they're not locked in to contracts, partly because they tend to be price conscious), and because they skew young they tend to be the customers more likely to both a) use SMS, and b) switch to things like WhatsApp.

[1]: [http://stakeholders.ofcom.org.uk/binaries/research/cmr/cmr12...](http://stakeholders.ofcom.org.uk/binaries/research/cmr/cmr12/CMR_UK_2012.pdf)

<comment><USER12> I find that really surprising because phone service is now just _so damn cheap_ in the UK. After a cashback offer, I'm effectively paying £5 a month for more minutes, texts and data than I can hope to consume. I guess my needs are relatively modest, but so (I imagine) are most non-business customers'.

</comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER13> I'm afraid consumers won't pocket that $54 billion either as long as the carrier cartel maintain iron grip. Just look at what Verizon is doing. You can't even unbundle "unlimited text and talk" from their non-prepaid plans anymore. 1GB smartphone plan will set you back $90/month, which is only a deal if you fall under a small percentage that actually go over 500 minutes per month AND send thousands of SMS. Just keep buying ATT and Verizon stocks guys.

</comment><comment><USER14> They'll make it back by ripping you off on your data plans. (Canada)

<comment><USER15> Exactly. The carriers still own the transport layer, so they'll just reshift their plans to cover the loss. Some carriers in the US have introduced these "shared data" plans which pretty much accomplish the task.

</comment></comment><comment><USER16> >Ovum highlights the rapid increase in the number of OTT (over-the-top) players, and demonstrates that social messaging is not a short-term trend, but a shift in communication patterns.

Who would have thought that SMS is not the future of communication.

</comment><comment><USER17> Good riddance.

<comment><USER18> I don't understand this sentiment. Good riddance to what, exactly? A simple and universal method of quick communication between literally every cellphone in the world?

<comment><USER19> Probably the rediculious fees for sending and receiving text messages. As a British person I can't believe the American networks charge to receive text messages.

<comment><USER20> Well its more bs than just getting charged for getting a text. You basically get 2 choices: * pay per text (which is totally lame I agree) * pay ~$20/mo for unlimited

Most people just opt for the latter because if you ever send more texts a month than $20 it "pays" off in the end.

Both options suck, the phone companies not being able to gouge for texts is no love lost in my opinion.

<comment><USER17> The third option is to cancel your text plan, which I have done. If my friends send me a text, it disappears into the ether (no error message). I'm trying to get folks used to contacting me through any other means (email, fb, g+, gchat, call me...maybe?).

<comment><USER20> True, I don't consider that much of an option personally as I rather prefer texts to the rest. But thats just like, my opinion man.

How has dropping texting entirely worked out? I've often wondered what the impact would be myself. Not that I have the balls to do it.

</comment></comment></comment></comment></comment></comment><comment><USER21> Since i know about RCS and the aricle talks about it: It is mostly a pipe dream for operators, these services (file shharing, video calls, IM) already exist for much cheaper then what the telcos plan to charge. This is all part of the IMS technologies that have not been taken up by the market for approx 7 years now...its a sad tale of too little, too late

</comment><comment><USER22> Those poor operators will have to find something else to overcharge for.

</comment><comment><USER23> I wonder how long until we see legislation popping up to try and stop this?

</comment><comment><USER24> They can't lose what they never _earned_.

</comment><comment><USER25> Money they weren't supposed to make in the first place. This is just market correction.

<comment><USER26> Exactly. The headline should read "Consumers set to save $54(?) billion by 2016".</comment></comment>


Time Keeping - <AUTHOR> Hi,
For anyone who tries to keep a record of time spent on different tasks, what software (if any) do you use?
In an old workplace there was a bespoke "clocks" system where you could have 10 clocks open with pre-completed "tasks" assigned to each and a description of work completed - with a click of a button one clock would start and it would stop the previously running clock.
I am looking for something similar or better.... any tips? <comment><USER2> I'll make a shameless plug for my freeware task manager ToDoList (for Windows).

[http://www.codeproject.com/Articles/5371/ToDoList-An- effecti...](http://www.codeproject.com/Articles/5371/ToDoList-An-effective- and-flexible-way-to-keep-on)?

<comment><AUTHOR> Thanks- looks good but unless i'm missing something, doesn't seem to really do what I was looking for (clocks to keep time of different task)?</comment></comment>