text:
Read a selected passage from Jane Gross' memoir about lessons learned the hard way as she went through this life passage with her own mother.
Krista Tippett speaks with Jane Gross, creator of The New York Times' New Old Age blog. As she learned by taking care of her mother during her final years, we're living longer and dying more slowly. Gross shares her wisdom about the new relationship between children and parents, and the changing way we think about the far shore of aging.
Selected Readings
Jane Gross recommends these ten organizations as invaluable set of resources for caregivers. Find a full list of recommendations in her book "A Bittersweet Season."
Pertinent Posts from the On Being Blog
As we focus increasingly on ourselves, who do we leave behind, abandon? Abraham Joshua Heschel's prescient words on aging and vanity from his essay "To Grow in Wisdom."
Great sayings and photos from Walter Breuning, who died this year in Montana at the age of 114.
Ina's Story, a new therapeutic initiative for caregivers of loved ones with Alzheimer's.
Could the brains of 670 nuns from Mankato, Minnesota be the key to understanding Alzheimer's?
An unexpected package. A book. A gift. Days with My Father.
The first Buddhist chaplaincy training program in the U.S. is featured in this beautiful short film about end of life care.
"It's a prime time of my life, and I basically gave it away." A film that explores one family's story on the high stakes of caregiving for their parents.
About the Image
Herbert Winokur, now deceased, sits in the kitchen of his daughter's home with his granddaughter Isabel in the background. Along with her husband (the photographer) and two children, Julie Winokur moved her husband and two children from San Francisco, CA to Montclair, NJ to help care for her father who suffered from dementia.
Your Comments
This interview with Jane Gross really hit home for me. My brother and I were in a very similar situation after our mother (widowed and thus reliant on us) suffered a major stroke and became bed-ridden. Gross' point is well taken that the dymanics of the family of origin re-institute themselves in these instances, but instead of it being an invitation to healing, it was for our family at least, the cause of division. Let me explain - the vast bulk of my mother's care fell to me, as my brother kept the entire situation at arm's length and had his wife fulfill his part (which was very little) in caring for my mother. After nearly a year of constant caregiving, I asked my brother and his wife if they would give me a weekend "off" and care for her. His reply was that they "spent weekends together, so that would be out of the question."
Eventually my mother died and our lives went back to our new normal, but my relationship with my only sibling has been forever changed. We rarely see one another although we live within a few miles of each other. Still, my mother and I did experience tremendous healing of our rather rocky relationship, mostly through hours of discussion about incidents that as a child I had misunderstood. Suffice to say that I wouldn't trade this difficult time for a moment, but it was a mixed bag of healing and hurts.
I am now 71, cared for my late husband through his years with dementia, and have made it very clear to my children that I will refuse all medical treatment aside from comfort measures. I know that many will disagree with this decision, but I can think of nothing worse for me than a prolongued death. Just keep me comfortable and let me go. I have also informed my primary care physician of my wishes, and drawn up the legal paperwork.
In terms of planning for the support of friends towards our own end of life, I just wanted to contribute a 2006 article from the "Seattle Times" which reflects hope for how some older friends there in the Northwest have organized to help one another:
Does anyone know of any similar efforts anywhere? As a child of the sixties, commune-like planning and action with good friends still has its natural attraction.
In the conversation with Jane Gross, there was what I thought was a brief reference to Jane's having previously written on that same option of working together with friends. I thought Krista mentioned a 2004 NY Times article. Does anyone have any reference for that particular article?
Take care and hope.
Check out a fairly recent
Check out a fairly recent book
Aging Together: Dementia, Friendship, and Flourishing Communities by Susan H. McFadden and John T. McFadden (May 4, 2011)
Dear Krista,
My mind is racing with possablities. My mind seems to be grasping what is going on in this world. However,my body is gradually becoming less useful, no fatal diagnosis as yet; but many very debilating conditions that limit my capacity to function well. At 75 years of age, I realize that this body is slowly dieing and there is a time to die.
The main concern I have is to leave this World gracefully, without burdening my four adult children greatly. Hopefully, to keep good relationships with them as I depart.
Your conversation with Jane Gross today gave me much to reflect on. My firat inclination is to buy her book and try to use it as a bridge to conversations with each of my children regards my concerns. Both my girls have experienced canceer and chemotherpy recently, so they are facing their own mortality. One of my sons has Muscular dystrophy,which hit his heart, giving him Congestive Heart Failure. Now he has a pacemaker/defibrillator inbedded in his chest and is totally disabled. He is also facing his mortality. My other son is relatively healthy. Therefore, I have to be very careful how the subject of my death is approached. Their father died when when three of them were in their teens and the youngest was 11.
Thank you very much, Krista, for broadcasting this conversation this week. I heard the show today, 23 July 2011, on NHPR. Today is my 75th birthday and I consider your broadcast a gift from God.
God's blessings and peace be upon you and your guests.
Joan C. Anderson
I am thinking how this discussion of the problems of aging leaves out entirely the chances (admittedly to many of us mysterious) of escape from the ravages of age, even reversal of some dire symptoms. See the testimonies of healing in Chrisian Science literature. For example: CS Journal, April, '96, and CS Sentinel, Feb '03. Also an account of an insane woman who never aged is in the book "Science & Health" by Mary Baker Eddy, p.245.) I am also thinking how powerful is love in a marriage of an aging couple. (Like that of the AIDS men)
I cared for both of my
I cared for both of my parents as they prepared to leave this world and to the end. I don't look at it as a burden, but as their final gift to me. The last chance I had to show them that all they taught me, had done for me and had hoped for me had meant something. That they had loved me and I them. I carry that love in my heart and hopefully share it daily with the family that is growing up with me as part of their elders. So don't assume your needs will be seen as a burden to your kids, regardless the challenges they face, but an opportunity to let them reflect back you all that you have given them. Best wishes.
I am a Hospice RN, and have been for the last 8 years, and before that I was in the hospital. I really enjoyed listening to the program on NPR. I often will have a patient who has no children to help make the last journey of their life easier to cope with. I also have patients whose children live in other parts of the country and cannot, or do not, visit very often. It is almost "out of sight, out of mind". Sometimes the distant child with exchange numerous phone calls to a nursing home, the Doctor or the Hospice nurse (if they are lucky enough to have one), trying to monitor and understand from a distance. I've been privy to these updates which can be to a Dr. who hasn't had eyes or hands on the patient in quite a while. Or to a nursing home nurse who is trying to make everything sound "just fine". Or when a patient has a decline or change in condition,and so the nursing home sends for the ambulance and off to ER the patient goes, then they call the distant family. Everyone needs an advocate during the final transition of life.
I see people hospitalized who are so obviously in the dying process, very aged and pretty frail. They are bolstered, invaded and cajoled to stay a while longer. Then still frail they are sent back to be cared for and "rehabilitated". I admit the once in a while the thought crosses my mind: "What could this person have done that was so horrible in the past, that the child/family would insist on keeping him/her so tortured now?"
It is amazing to me that we fight against the inevitable so hard. Being a Judeo-Christian based society one would think we would embrace the concept of eternal life and when life has little or no quality left, chose to not seek treatment and just let nature take over. I must admit I often think that if the family or patient had to take on more of the cost for the care, we would have stronger palliative and hospice programs in this country. I have seen some sad and distressing situations when family cannot or will not let go, and so, force their "loved" one to be subjected to test after test, treatment after treatment just to sustain a body whose mind has been ravaged and whose body tormented.
Then again I see the change that takes place in the family's heart and mind as they are taught to see the signs of distress, pain and hopelessness. One of the most fulfilling parts of my job is to help them become aware of the suffering and poor quality of life that the patient is going through so they can come to peace that the kindest action is comfort care and sharing of their love with the patient. Insuring the most peaceful death possible is what makes me get up in the morning and face some sad days.
I will look for your book and thank you for trying to help us face up to the facts of life, and of death
Jubi Maggiore, RN
Thank you, Jubi, for you kind
Thank you, Jubi, for you kind message. I am taking care of my 85-year old mother now. She moved into my house 7 weeks ago. we had to install a stair glide so she could go to the 2nd floor where I set up two rooms for her. 10 days ago she had to go to the ER and they said it was pneumonia, but I think they may have gotten it wrong because she has made a come back. She also has been on dialysis for a little over two years now. She is very frail. And now that she is back home after her 9 days in the hospital, of course she is weak and tired. I don't know how to actually walk that fine line of helping her make decisions and allowing her to be independent and retain her dignity. We are ...learning as we go here. My main goal is to make her as comfortable as possible, care for her, and find out her wishes ...and carry them out as well. I hope for no more ER/hospital visits.
Wow,this piece really hit home.After my mother's stroke in 2002,my life changed dramatically. I am an only child so all the decisions fell on my shoulders. I couldn't walk away and I was forced to face everything with little time to research options.My mother had always been totally in charge of her life and had trusts set up and health care proxy in order, but didn't trust me enough to start funding a revocable trust in my name that I would now have to fund so I could manage her affairs which involved long term care for her. Right away I was hurt that she didn't feel I could have done these important things-that she had to be in charge no matter what. She was always sort of critical and caused a rift in our life by making subtle remarks that could irritate us. After the stroke she became a "sweet old lady", not the mother I knew. Our whole world reversed as I became " mother" to her. It was hard for her to let go,but she was paralyzed on the left side and lost her left side perception-nothing was visible to her that was on her left side-not even her arm was there in her field of vision or feeling-books and paintings were only half there. She could no long read, push buttons on a phone or operate mechanical things, let alone pay bills. She had her mind though!She could still do the NY Times crossword puzzle the Sunday after her stroke if I read her the clues. She still knew what day it was and where her grand daughter was in India. Her curious mind was there, but managing her life was not an option. Rehab and recovery was the goal and she went at it with a vengeance. Pulmonary edema got in the way and she ended up in a nursing home and I had to find a good one quickly in my home town, three hours from where I lived and spent the next six months traveling between those places until she could be stabilized and moved nearer my home. That meant selling her home, dispersing her things, finding a place for her near me, which would do more rehab and deal with my own life which had just received another shock via my husband(I won't get into those details). To get her to Massachusetts meant hiring an ambulance at the cost of a thousand dollars plus, but I found a luxury car I could rent for a day ($99)and a nurse friend to come with us and we drove her here-a much more comfy ride than flat on her back or in a wheelchair for 4 hours in a bumpy ambulance. This was the beginning of my "creative ways to save money and make my mother more comfortable" and seem less like a paraplegic and keep her out of institutions. My goal was now to do this for what was the next six years until her money ran out or she passed away. I eventually found a wonderful, mature, educated Kenyan woman who I hired away from an agency to be her full time aid. She lived with her at an assisted living until that got too expensive and I ended up building a handicapped house next door to mine, which turned out to be less expensive with a full time aid than any other possibility. I have never been in a management situation or trained that way-always an at home mother with part time teaching or landscaping jobs.Now I had actually built a house and managed a difficult situation with no training. It pushed me to the edge and now I have a beautiful handicapped accessible house for sale in this wonderful housing market, no inheritance, a difficult marriage (husband is diagnosed with Parkinson's)and the diagnosis of breast cancer this week. I feel angry sometimes that the stress of dealing with all this came at a time when I should have been enhancing my own life's goals. I feel guilty that on my mother's death I was some what relieved and yet because I was now on antidepressants, I did not fully mourn her passing-that had happened earlier I guess over time when I realized she was different from my original mother and that I had become"her mother". This seems to be happening a lot to other women and I will now read this book and hopefully find some insight that I can share with others.
I feel like I went to bed and woke up old. It seemed to happen so quickly. I joke that if it wasn't for doctor's visits,I wouldn't have a social life. I have a long term care policy and I hope it will keep me from being a burden on friends and family. The hour show went so quickly. I was chief caregiver to my mother and mother-in-law. I am now 76 and feel the decline daily. I just wanted to tell you what a great hour your radio is and I'm so glad I heard it. Alice Mai Arzani
I have been listening to On Being for many years now. I actually discovered Speaking of Faith shortly after moving to Florida in 2004 to live with, and take care of my parents in their final years. I have thoroughly enjoyed this program over the years and many times have listen to the downlowad of the extended interviews. As a person who has spent many years exploring my own inner deamons and working through them to become the person I am today; someone who I love, like, accept (warts and all), who can forgive and let go of the past, there have been many programs that have touched me and resonated with me. This show, however, is the first one that got me to come to the Share Your Story Page. Listening to Jane Gross's experiences taking care of her mother at the end of her life was very much like my own experience and I enjoyed her stories and insight even though nothing was actually a new idea or knowledge for me. About two hours ago, I came to this page to share a little bit about my own experience caring for my parents at the end. However; after typing for most of that time and only getting through the first year of the four and a half years which ecompassed the time from when I arrived in 2004 to my mother's death in October of 2008. I realized I need to write it all out. It will most likely not be the next Great American Auto-Biography. But it is something I realize I need to do for myself. I believe that it is a great gift when you as an adult child are in the position to care for your parents at the end of life. Especially if the relationship had been rocky over the years. I had discovered shortly before moving to Florida how much I really did love my parents dispite everythig that had gone before and how much I wanted the opportunity to show them by my presence and caring what they had meant to me. What I experienced along with the increasing responsibility, tiredness and frustrations, was the redemption that Jame Gross talked about today. I truly believe that especially if your relationship has been difficult over the years, that adult children should embrace this opportunity to finally just let it be all bout love. I know it can be hard, but you will never regret the experience and you will never feel guilty about what you didn't do. I have decided to share the beginning of the story that I started when I first came to this page. The title comes from a line that my mother would say to me many time towards the end of her life when she was becoming more and more dependent on me. Mom would turn turn to me and say "Don't get old Lauren." To which I would reply, "I would be happy not to Mom, can you tell me how to stop it?" Don't Get Old Lauren: A Daughter's Journey in Parental Care Giving In 2004 as my father was approaching his 90th birthday, I decided to relocate to Florida from Oregon to be close to my parents. I knew as the only girl and unattached child of the family it made most sense for me to be prepared to be the caregiver when the time came. I, as many children, had had a difficult relationship with my parents as an adult, most especially with my mother. In April 2004 I was 46 when I arrived in Florida. There had been a number of years in my early 40's when I had no contact with my parents as I was working through my own issues. It wasn't until about three years prior to my move that I intentionally reconnected with my parents because I wanted to heal the breach before they were gone. When I moved to Florida, it was with great trepidation on both sides. I had realized for some time that it would be primarily up to me to make the relationship with my mother work, since she was still the same psychologically unenlightened and damaged person I had always known. Of my parents, my mother was the one with the most health issues, although in 2004, both parents were still independent and active. However, my father had never had any severe health issues and was still playing tennis at least four times a week, gardening daily, and doing most of the housework. Upon arrival the plan was for me to stay with my parents for the first six months to establish myself in a job and find a place of my own nearby. This plan was initially disrupted by the arrival in Sept. of 2004 of Hurricane Francis and then a few weeks later of Hurricane Jeannie. After more than 20 years of living in Florida and not being affected by hurricanes, these two storms both landing in almost exactly the same place, were only miles from where my parents lived. We were fortunate in that there was little damage to their home, however, the extent of the damage in the surrounding community meant that rentals were at a premium and so it was decided that I would stay on living with my parents until the following spring. As I said earlier, there was mutual concern that my mother and I would be able to live comfortably together. We were all happy to discover that this was not the case. I used to joke that it was a combination of my mother mellowing with age and finally growing up that made it possible. While this was true, from my perspective, I believe that the work I had done to get my life together and work through my issues, allowed me to handle my mother in a way that smoothed over problems rather than escalated them. I had realized that even thought Mom was still a champ at pushing my buttons; I didn't have to respond as a 10 year old. There were a number of occasions when Mom would bring up a potentially explosive topic and I would reply that I thought we should agree to disagree and move on to something different. I also believe that by living with them, this allowed my parents to finally view me as an adult and to appreciate that while they might not have agreed with the decisions that I had made, that I had grown into a responsible adult. For most of my adult life I had dealt with my mother/daughter conflicts by keeping at least 1000 miles between us. I will also admit that I was definitely the black sheep of our family. Considering the state of my parents' health when I planned to moved to Florida, I had imagined that my mother would be the first to die and I would be left living with my Dad until his death. However, it was my Dad who passed away first. All things considered, this was probably for the best and the quick progression from initial illness to his death took only about 4 months, of which time only about 3 months of when we knew he was dying. My Dad developed what we thought was bronchitis which over the course of a month was treated with three different anti-biotics. In reality what we came to discover was that my father had picked up a virus that attacked his lungs. The anti-biotics were too much for his 90 year old body and caused the shutdown of his kidneys. At first he was open to going on dialysis, however, once his doctor informed him that the virus had caused permanent scarring on his lungs which would prevent him from living the active life he had lived up to this point, my Dad decided to let nature take its course. As a family we accepted my Dad's decision without any conflict, but this is not to say that we wanted him to give up. At the end of the day we all knew that it would have been torture for him to continue living if it meant that he spent the majority of his time in a chair. My Dad was not an arm chair kind of guy. We elected to keep Dad at home with Hospice care and were fortunate to have great caregivers from the agency we choose. Ironically, four years previously, I had assisted a professor of mine and her family care for their mother who died of renal failure, just what Dad was going through now. After the shock of the due date for his death had somewhat worn off, I realized that this was my last opportunity to show him and tell him how much I loved him. I will always cherish this gift that I was given. I remember the first night when I realized I had to put into word how I felt. Growing up I had been a Daddy's Girl and was closer to him throughout my life. I believe many of my strengths had their roots in how he nurtured me as a daughter. He always encouraged me to do anything I wanted and to not let societies restrictions restrain me. Just prior to the final diagnosis, I had taken my Dad to his eye doctor on a Saturday because he had a persistent eye inflammation. I went into the exam room with my Dad and during the exam the three of us chatted. The doctor made some comment about how lucky my Dad was to have me to bring him to the office. My father's response was like a benediction. He said in reply, I don't know what I would do without my daughter, she is my strength. Fast forward six weeks and my Dad who is getting weaker, but still ambulatory, has just gone into his bedroom for the night. I went in after him and I said I had something I wanted to say. I have always known that my parents love me and I think that even if they had had doubts before I came to live with them, they now realized that I loved them too. But time was running out and I wanted my Dad to know how much I loved and respected him. When I went into the room I said that I wanted a hug, as I embraced my Dad, I told him that I loved him more than he could ever know and that I was so grateful that he had been my father, that he was the best father in the world. I should interject at this point that both my older brother and myself had been adopted and that much of the personal therapeutic work I had done over the years revolved around this fact and the issues that spun out of this fact. By this time both my Dad and I were crying and hugging each other for all we were worth. My Dad responded to my statement saying that he knew he had made many mistakes, but that he had always loved me. And I said that whatever mistakes he had made didn't matter, that they were nothing compared to all that he had done right as a father. To my dying day I will be grateful that I had this opportunity with my Dad. There were so many times over the years that hurtful words were spoken or loving words not uttered, but at the end I was able to tell my Dad how much he meant to me. Do I wish that the break in our relationship had never happened? Of course. Do I wish I had spoken my love more often over the course of many years? Absolutely. But the fact was that I while I could never go back and regain those lost opportunities, I had been given this final one and I didn't blow it this time. Dad first got sick in April 2005 and Father's day fell towards the middle of this final illness. There had been many years when I had not sent a card to either of my parents, so I decided that this year, instead of just celebrating Father's Day, I would celebrate Father's Week. Starting on the Monday before Father's Day, each morning before I left for work I left a card waiting for him. While I grew up in a family that was not afraid to express love, we tended not to be sappy about it and humor was also very important to all of us. Each card I left from Monday-Saturday was more of the humorous variety, but also loving. On Father's day itself I found the perfect card, it expressed my love and admiration for him and gratitude that he was my Dad without being overly sentimental.
I appreciated the topic & interview with Jane Gross. My partner's mother passed when she was a young 67...
We moved across the country, returning to "home" to care for her until her death.
Jane's words of imagining running away at times, was familiar. As Jane, we never ran...
and like her memories, we are glad for everyday that we shared with our Mama!
At times, We live with longing tears, still-shocking "remember when?" & hilarious stories about the last days of Maydell's life; but we live with no regret. What a fabulous way to live - with no regret!
RIP: Maydell Louise Pietsch -Stauffer
I felt a passionate connection with everything Jane said today and on her blog which I follow regularly. It's so difficult to watch my independent 91-year-old mother struggling helplessly to be the person she used to be when her physical and mental condition now make it impossible.
For the past four years she was my full-time job even while she lived in an independent apartment in a retirement community. My two sisters live in Boston and they do everything they can to participate in her care. Her short-term memory is pretty much gone so she could call me ten times a day with major and minor disasters. We lived through hospitalizations, depression, anxiety and all kinds of problems.
[One tip I can give other caregivers is to write up a one-page summary of all medical problems, previous hospitalizations, allergies, medications, primary care doctors and emergency contact information. Update it as needed and print out a copy whenever you visit a new doctor or go to the ER. This has been remarkably helpful.]
Finally her doctor said that she needed assisted living so now she has a two-bedroom apartment with a live-in aide. That changed everything for me. One sister now pays the bills online and the other orders groceries by phone from a store that delivers. Now I can actually do my own work which is incredibly liberating. I still go with her to important medical appointments; I manage the emergency room; I'm the first call if something comes up; I visit her a lot. But I can't change the fact that she is in a decline and that her life is no longer the one she wants.
Like Jane, all this has made me think of the end of my own life. I'm not a pessimist like my mother and I don't feel threatened by people who are disabled. In fact I used to be a para-chaplain visiting people in nursing homes. I have no idea what awaits me but I hope I can meet it with courage. My mother says she never gave any thought to what being old might be like. I have no illusions about it. If I need to move to a retirement community I know which one it will be.
The issues that came up for our family weren't between siblings (mercifully our hearts are completely united) but rather the differences in viewpoint and personality that my sibs and I have always had with our mother although she loves us and we love her.
When she dies, although I will be very sad I will know that I was completely devoted to her and that she acknowledged it many times. Last year I wrote an essay about her to read as a eulogy. I knew that I would be in no state to write it when the time comes. I also wrote a poem about her when she turned 80 and that expresses how I feel too. Now it's just a matter of helping her to get through these hard times. I am thankful for all the support I have had from members of my family and other friends.
We caregivers have an opportunity to contribute deeply to the person we love. As we read in the poem "Do You Love Me?" by Rumi: "I have lost all my strength/but from your power/I am able."
Note to staff: the attached photo is of my mother's 89th birthday party.
I found the discussion fascinating, and hope to read her book soon. We are in crisis with my mother, 103 on 6/24, who has gone within a month from being able to live alone in her waterfront cabin (with some supervision) to being flat on her back with severe spinal pain in addition to the congestive heart failure she has been battling for a few months. I live in Colorado, and Mother and my two younger brothers live in the Puget Sound area of Washington State. Mother has been living with one brother during winters and during her recent disability, with another brother assisting as feasible. I have made two visits this year, spending a few days each time assisting h in her cabin. We are struggling with issues of whether this can be "fixed," or whether it is the start of a declining process in a nursing home, as the principal cretaker family is about burned out and have their own health problems. Ironically, I am the eldest and perhaps the healthiest, but time/distance factors and responsibility for a 25-year-old son with cerebral palsy prevent me from doing much beyond correspondence with Mother and brothers plus research assistance on various matters. Must close to read medical reports...
I'm one of probably many listeners who are saying, "If only I had heard this at the time I was going through this" Much gratitude for articulating the myriad difficulties. One thing I noticed after 3 years of care giving-I now am much more conscious of the signs of my own aging. Being a "boomer" figured I could will myself out of aging, but have found the process to be inexorable no matter what. Also feel a constant immediacy about preparing myself for old age, but don't quite know where to start. (Maybe just get it all over with and move into assisted living now while I'm able?)
Great shows like this treasure are the reason I will include some kind of bequest to Public Radio. Feel a great sense of community right on the radio. Thanks!
Appreciated your show with Jane Gross....her thoughts and the segement of her writing that were shared. My mother is also deceased, but her long good-by, due to dementia, silbing conflict, the nursing home in which she was placed contained elements I felt terrible about at the time and still do. This poem captures a lot of it:
No Longer There
I see her in the corner
The left side of her face
Midnight blue with bruises,
Her eyebrow stitched together-
My sister called me
The previous night:
"They say she fell,
And her rings are gone,
Probably stolen."
I walk toward her,
Look down at her left hand
Resting, bare and lonely,
On the arm of the wheelchair-
The rings she had worn
For some fifty years-
No longer there.
I sit down beside her,
Holding resignation like a pillow
Over the face of my spirit.
Oh well, what does it matter;
So much of her is gone—
The parts of her that made
And carried me into life,
Inch upon inch from her
Endlessly collapsing spine,
Her vision of anything but gray,
Her mind and all it ever knew
From the lifting of a spoon
To the name for a spoon
Or even the person it feeds--
Her name, Margaret.
So, what are circles of gold,
Anymore, to her or to me.
My dad, who paid five dollars
A week, to buy them--
He's also gone.
He went so fast,
It knocked the wind
Right out of my heart.
She's going so slowly,
It's knocking all the sense
Out of life.
I recognized much in Gross and Tippett's conversation about caring for dying parents: the problem of geographical distance, old wounds re-opened, and unequal burdens taken up--or not--by siblings with differing capacities can leave life-long scars even (maybe especially) in families that are "close" but have never before had to parse the grammar of familial love.
As I listened, however, I was caring for my husband, whose debilitating mental illness prompted him to keep interrupting despite my repeated reminders that I was trying to hear. Wives caring for incapacitated husbands is becoming the norm in my circle of friends, and when the spouse's dysfunction is the result of some kind of dementia, the exhaustion, grief, anger, and loneliness exceed even the horror of watching a beloved parent suffer. In my case, my husband's psychic breakdown coincided with my mother's dying (after two miserable years in care); negotiating the terror of his sudden and complete collapse kept me from both my mother's bedside and her memorial service. Now, three and a half years later, with the burden of my husband's care exclusively on me, the many years we likely have left to us as a couple look pretty bleak. When a parent is dying, one can imagine an end to it; when a spouse of one's own generation is chronically ill, the end of the suffering for both partners is hard to envision.
I certainly recognized Gross's fantasy of an imagined dormitory/spa where one's friends--mostly women alone--care for each other: a family of one's own creation. I want to investigate just how that kind of support system can be created, even in the midst of all-consuming caretaking.
I was drawn to the speaker's notion of repair, redemption perhaps even renewal of family bonds that can happen in family life during this time. I think being a caregiver to my parents is teaching me a lot more about who they were, their hopes and dreams, and the ups and downs of our relationships. That notion of "becoming who you were when you were ten" was a scary reality. Succumbing was circumvented only by the grace and love of my wife who accompanied me in the mission to be caregiver of my parents. My dad has since died, my mother continues her journey (rediscovering herself).
I left home at 13. Not totally, I went back for visits and brought their grandchildren back for visits, but usually I loved many miles away. When I returned to live in the same city i was 54 and supposedly older and wiser. My dad was failing due to Alzhiemers aggravated by his drinking. Our first "battle" was driving. The auto was a defining characteristic of his persona, and "taking away" the keys was a harsher reality than just giving up transportation. Even at his dying, he would talk about his 39 Ford Zephyr. Eventually, as the author suggested "annoyance did soften into tenderness."
My mother fights aging in her own way. She keeps busy and doesn't look. She jokes that God gave her only one good eye and ear, and she could easily turn the other way to avoid that which she disliked. But with her good eye and ear she laughs and adds color and creativity to life as she knows it.
Being a caregiver has been much more than I ever thought it would be. The painful agony and death of my father is etched into my memory. My parents have not been easy to care for. They have added stress and edge to my life, my marriage, and my other relationships. But I agree with the author that it has made some distinctive changes in my life and relationships.
I absolutely loved the conversation about "The Far Shore of Aging". As a 34 year old woman with elderly parents (80 year old father and 72 year old mother), I found it challenging and at the same time encouraging. This is not an easy time for my parents and my family, but if I allow it, it can be a blessing. Thank you for producing this program. It came at a time when I needed it. I always walk away encouraged and enlightened from your programs. Blessings, Stephanie Darling
I generally like your programs very much but found the last one on aging very lacking...It was especially distressing to think that the NYT blogger on the subject did not even mention the options of continuing care communities. Many of us who join communities such as the Kendal communities find a very meaningful life...almost like being back in college. We know that as we age the burden of care giving will not fall on our children, though of course we expect interaction. Some of us think this is the best thing we have ever done for our children. There are many options for us to consider rationally as we age for our future care and death, and we have a great deal of help in doing it. Alzheimer patients remain part of the community for as long as possible. Local residents join hospice workers to help people in the last stage of life. Medical services as well as housekeeping services, mainenance, etc. all available.
I heard a lecture 15 years ago by an 80-year-old retired physician who related the following story about his father who lived to almost 100. The father was a farmer and adored farming; however in his late 60s, he realized it was too much to farm the whole property, so he sold all but one acre. For 15 years, he farmed the one acre and loved it until he decided that was too much, so he stopped the acre and concentrated on planting his front yard. In his 90s, the steps became too much, so he had window planters and was able to tend his little porch garden until he died. My parents went from being very healthy retirees in their 70s, to 13 hospitalizations in one year between them, two strokes leaving my father unable to drive and needing daily care. I related the story to my mother in hopes she was see the beauty of enjoying your life,making accommodations as your health changes and still finding ways to do what you love. She looked at me with a blank look and said, "Yeah, but I never thought you and or your Dad would ever get old." It has been six years and they both seemed shocked at their declining health.
I listen to many of the programs "on Being" and the one on aging this week was quite powerful. I am the sole caregiver for my mother in assisted living with a story very similar to that of your guest. For two years previously, my parents were together in the center and I also had to be the one to take my father to all appointments and support them both through his dementia and eventually hospice care. He passed away in December of 2010. I've been left with the planning, decision making, financial, and emotional support responsibilities with two absent siblings.
The references to the family dynamics regarding aging parents and the issues of bringing up the difficult discussions are ones that I relate to. I have learned that I must bring up those topics but, I must respect the time needed and be gentle with the words in order to effectively keep my parents part of their own planning.
My mother will not say that she loves me, like your guest. My father's last words to me were still anger about my getting him the care he needed. But, I am gaining in understanding about why they can't express themselves and I know that what I do is the right thing. I know that I am the lucky one to be able to provide the care and support for them.
Please have more on the topics of aging. There are many of us who are in this role and who must be planning for our own situations in the next 20 years. We want to move through these stages with grace, humility and love.
I am 86 years old and compliment you for the moving and inspiring readings I heard today. On the otherhand, I feel you are painting the aging subject with too broad a brush. Everyone does not become who they were when they were 10 - only those that do. I am on the treadmill 4 times a week, live a lone, shop, make repairs ad have dinner parties often. There are not an infintesimal number like me but a substantial number. Krista hit the nail on the head when she asked you about living in the present and you did not respond. My philosophy is derived from Hasidic Judaism and let me share with you how a Hasidic Master by the name of Rabbi Aaron of Karlin made that poitn in his reinterpretation of verse 6 chapter 30 of Psalms. The usual is: When God is angry it is but for a moment but his tranquility is forever. Rabbi Aaron offers this: From the Hebrew words Ki Rega, meaning: for a moment, we learn that one should only view life from the vantage point of what is in front of him/her in the moment. and if one does then life is in tranquility. Anging is not a disease requiring research and grand preparations it is part of living and good attitudes and ability to be patient is all that is needed by family members - and they have received enough to gladly offer it, along with care if needed, in return.
Jane Gross' fantasy of a community of her friends, all taking care of one another is not all that far fetched. There is a growing movement of communities, called co-housing communities, that strive to create socially and environmentally sustainable communities. The movement began in Denmark and is slowly expanding in the US. And though you do not necessarily choose your neighbors in a co-housing community (as you might in the type of community that Ms. Gross wishes for) co-housing neighbors hold similar values of community, caring, support,and aging in place. www.cohousing.org is a good place to begin to learn what co-housing is all about and to read about established and forming communities.
Thank you so much for the honesty, and wonderful dialogue. I can't wait to read the book! My parents health issues are complicated, and they need continued care and understanding. I really related to Jane's comment about how you cant just make a "to do" list, bulldoze your way through their problems, crossing them off, one by one. I am going to listen more, and just be present for them.
The podcast with Jane Gross was so touching. I am now 69 y.o., have a full time private practice as a psychotherapist and no one knows that I spend the rest of the time in bed with pain and fatigue from Sjogren's Syndrome and Fibromyalgia and now including a stent in my heart, on oxygen, have COPD, have just been diagnosed with epilepsy, have had lower back fusion, a shoulder replaced, need hand surgery, etc., etc. This has been my life for 24 yrs.
I listened to the podcast with dual awareness. I have been Jane to myself, taking care of all the insane details of major medical conditions, juggling 20 active drs., while trying to make a living supporting myself.
I listened to the podcast as Jane's mother. I had a full consciousness, like perhaps her mother did, while all this was being done to and for her.
My spiritual beliefs and practices are what keeps me present and still excited about what each day will bring.
Kristi - thanks for adding to the quality of my time in bed with your wonderful podcasts.
Jane's story was unnerving and comforting at the same time. I am dealing with these things in my own my life as my mother has been sick for the past 11 years, so it aroused some sadness in me. But hearing someone else talk about their experience with their mom and what they felt going through her illness is comforting. So many times I feel a deep sense of loneliness. I accredit this to the fact that my mother is dying, and I will have no parents when she is gone. But because it is such a lonely feeling, it is really comforting to hear someone share their experience. It makes the experience feel not so lonely. Thank you
I have been blogging about the journey of caring for my Mom for the past 3 yrs. Although it is difficult at times,it has taught so much about life and myself. I am always very interested in hearing anything that helps me in this process.
I absolutely loved your interview with Jane Gross. Only wish i had heard it 2 years ago! My mother died one year ago and hearing Jane reinforced hard things i learned but now can pass on her voice to friends with aging parents.
And, Krista, your show gives me so much to chew on all week. Thanks for being on my planet.
Connie Lehman, Elizabeth, Co.
I tell people the good news for me is that my family has great genes, the bad news is that as an only child I have had to care for them all which included responsibility for four family members in four different locations at the same time. I always felt boxed in and guilty about wanting this to all go away- knowing that going away truly meant the absolute end. I found comfort in knowing I'm not the only one who thought this way. For one brief moment I didn't feel so guilty and so alone! Excellent show!
I generally enjoy easing into Sunday mornings by listening to your interviews. However, the last one with Jane Gross fell rather short. What I missed most was that you did not establish upfront important physical parameters regarding the care the mother of Ms. Gross required. At what age did she begin requiring care, and why? Was this care an hour or two a day, 9-5 every day, or 24/7, and what care did she need? Who delivered what part of this care? How did the care-giving progress, and over what period of time. Etc., etc. Instead, you started immediately with touchy-feely stuff, and even that did not get into truly important issues until way into the show. E.g. it took about 20 minutes to find out that Ms. Gross had been estranged from her mother for a very long time, and another 10 minutes or so to learn that Ms. Gross was single and childless. One was left to wonder what her problems really were, given that in other situations care giver s have to juggle commitments to their own family, to their jobs, as well as to the person who needs care. The show was mostly about Ms. Gross's feelings and thus was rather useless, in my opinion, for most everyone else confronted with the problems of being a care-giver. While I appreciate the sensitivity you exhibit in dealing with your interviewees in general, I think it would be entirely appropriate to be a little more probing now and then.
I was thinking of a mothers day lunch at the nursing home with my mother and siblings. She was wearing a dress (that is what you wear when you dress up) and she had on one knee high stocking made for a dress and another made for pants. This left one too short and it showed. On the way to the dining room she slowly ambled down the hallway and stopped in front of a painting yo say it should look familiar because my sister had lived it in - and on the way back said the same thing about an entirely different painting. I have found it difficult to visit my mother in the home - the person i knew is slowly fading away - like a negative bleached by the sun until the photo it held was no more.
I was struck by her observation that one day her mother was fine, and then a myriad of little things, none of which were going to kill her, appeared on the scene and totally changed the landscape of their relationship (my paraphrase).
The reason this struck me so poignantly is that until 11 years ago, I lived with many little things that would not have killed me. Then, in the course of one night, I was struck by a major catastrophic loss that redefined life as I knew it. Now, at 62, although I keep trying to undo the effects of that blow, so that I can continue to have some semblance of my former life, I know there are no guarantees that such will be the case and I may continue to age with these traumatic health challenges...a daunting prospect indeed! (Or, I may die tonight. I'm actually glad I'm not privy to that information.)
My interest was also piqued by her description of how she and her brother dealt with their respective caregiving roles; my daughter has been an absolute pillar of strength during this nightmarish season of my life, offering compassion and kindness almost without fail, while my son has pulled away and only occasionally checks in when he can handle it. Actually, I think that one of the biggest gifts of this experience is the empathy my grandchildren have developed as the result of having a grandmother with disabilities and severe limitations. I think that has made them bigger and better people.
Thanks, as always, for the deep and thought-provoking program.
Listening to this show, I was reminded of the one about caring for people with Alzheimers and how often experiences are more easily remembered than facts. I think we need to find ways for those who are aging to share with others what they find particularly enjoyable so that we can enable them to relive those experiences if/when they become less able to communicate their wishes. And we should be communicating our experience wish-lists to those who will be caring for us. Of course, this is best done by sharing the experiences (and life in general) together across the generations.
I read some of the early comments and reflections shortly after my visit with Krista and was so gratified by the response and the thoughtfulness that comes from people who are willing to think hard about something most would choose to deny. Returning to the site, to check schedules for upcoming shows, as a devoted listener long before I was a guest, I was again moved by your words but also wowed by the beautifully produced page, the map, the graphics. I suppose talent draws talent — in the same way that "belief'' draws such a special audience — but again, my boundless thanks to all who made this not only so meaningful but so visually engaging.
We were washed toward that far shore with our mother beginning in the Spring, with the crisis in the hospital that was nearly as traumatic for the family as it was for our mom. As this first crisis resolves, we are all beginning to see the redemptive possibilities in this moment in time. Your interview and Jane's story nourished my hope for redemption, forgiveness, and growth in all of our relationships. Jane's comments about how the magnitude of this experience took over even cocktail party conversation resonated with me: I am finding the process of caring for our mother to be endlessly fascinating and all consuming. (and I have ordered her book) Thank you!
A poem I wrote...
The Devil's in the Dementia
This drift toward derangement is about
The petals falling in her path,
Time's soft bouquets, decaying dreams,
Where the road was once a strip of solid gold,
Her style and conversation flourished.
Ideas collided, creating new inspiring scenes.
Decried, cockeyed, it all begins to come unglued,
Better now to fall upon her sword
Than subsist, a sad alumnus of the good old days.
It is 4am, I listened to the podcast at 3am on a sleepless night....many of these since Bill died...after 4 years of care giving my husband who died last year. She said so many relevant things about the care giving role...horrible to watch him deteriorate, not knowing what to do, how long it will last, in trauma the whole time, guilt for not doing it better, and on and on...oh to do it over and do it better but i did not know what i was doing, it came on suddenly, i was in denial, i was grieving a loss i had not even accepted as imminent after a
glorious marriage.
so much more preparation was needed....too late.
Had same feelings re my mom..
Had same feelings re my mom...we all do the best we can with where we are at. Have learned from my regrets & hope can do better next time if I can. Be kind to yourself, love ourself, forgive yourself , etc. We are all "works in progress". Peace.
Wow- the introspection that
Wow- the introspection that Krista and Jane shared on this very tough topic moved me so much. My brother, sister and I have gone through crisis, chronic disease with both parents aging. Our big strong Dad got Parkinson and my independent, assertive Mom came down with Macular Degeneration, then a very slow moving Alzheimers- these diseases all happening- after- multiple heart attacks, breast cancer, perforated bowel, and abdominal aneurism... Mom and Dad taking turns with these horrible illnesses. After selling their home, moving them to independent Sr. care, Nursing Homes and then moving them our brother's small community nursing home 6+ hours away- we have gone through many, many tough times as a family. Our family though was one of the "unusual ones". We did not need repair- even though my sister and I did not always get along as children-we bonded, and then banded together to get things done- and have become much closer in the process. We lost our Dad 3 years ago, and Mom continues to amaze us all in her ability to keep her strength after so many years of her decline, without her rock- Dad. She is one of the few elderly people I know that "graduate" from Hospice- and not by dying- but rallying! This time of stress has been and continues to be a learning curve. We have all grown, we try to see the glass half full in every moment- and continue to learn from our parents as we strive to communicate with Mom through gesture and reading her facial expressions- and recall the things Dad shared with us all as he slid downhill. It is a bittersweet season- and our family has been able to get through it with our shared knowledge and love for our parents and each other. Hopefully our children and grandchildren will be able to do the same.
I have had many opportunities
I have had many opportunities to listen to this broadcast from your archives but, for reasons that I was afraid to admit to myself, I never did. I am so glad that you reaired this interview this week because it touched me very deeply.
One of the topics that did not come up in the edited interview is decisions that come at the end of life about appropriate care. My mother had presented to me months before her death with her advanced directive about the type of sustaining care that she wished for at the end of her life. She told me that I was named as the person who had medical power of attorney over those decisions. At the time I read the document: but I did not discuss it with her other than acknowledging that I undestood the responsibility I was given.
When my mother wound up in the hospital on a ventilator and heavily sedated a few months later, I was faced with a personal crisis. She could not communicate and I desperately needed from her to know if this was what the document meant! Were these the measures described in abstract legalistic terms in that document that you were talking about? What is it that you would want me to do at this juncture?
As I agonized over what instructions to give to her care givers, the decision was, at least partially, taken from me. Her doctor had said that the outlook was not good, but she also told me that she would let me know when it was time to withdraw all but palliative care. In the end, I was not left to make the decision alone. My three siblings were all there and in agreement that it was time.
Still, my advice, to those faced with the prospect of handling end-of-life decisions for a parent, is to discuss it at length with your parent no matter how uncomfortable it may feel and no matter how distant you perceive that decision to be.
Like many, I was very moved
Like many, I was very moved by this program. My grandmother lived with my parents for the last years of her life and died in their house. I have always expected to offer the same to my parents but it was also good to be reminded by Jane that, if you can find a good one, care facilities can be a wonderful option and support community for people as they age. Ironically, my oldest brother works at a nursing home and has a particular talent for working joyfully with older people. He may end up handling the whole thing better than I in many respects, and it was good to be encouraged to think about that as well. Finally, Jane's words about living in the company of friends moved me so. My best friend for the last 27 years, though partnered, has no children and neither does her sister. I sent a link to the show to her knowing she would enjoy it and took the opportunity to tell her that I and my children will take care of her if that is necessary. Family is family, regardless of birth, and it's good to say these things now so there's no confusion later.
One has trouble doing this
One has trouble doing this without the help of God. And without God's presence it makes little sense. Also one has an obligation before God to take care of one's aging parents.
>Thank you Krista for a very
>Thank you Krista for a very timely interview on this very "delicate and seldom talked about subject" - I am only 66 years young, and have lost both parents, my mother died at a very young age, she was only 37 and my father died at age 77.
I am only too aware that there is only one way to leave this life. The only problem is that I want to be in control of my departure. I do not want my life to be extend or my death either. I Just want to be kept comfortable - I just want to be let go without drugs, or hundreds of test.
I have prepared my living will and hopefully my wishes are carried as I asked. I don't want to live to be old with no "quality of life".
I'll make sure to read Ms Jane Gross' book and try to bring the subject with my friends and family.
Thank you again for your inspiring programs.
Thank you Jane Gross for
Thank you Jane Gross for helping me identiy and name some of the emotions I am going through as I take care of my 91 year old mother. She lives in a cottage about 30 ft from my house giving her some independence yet increasingly limiting mine. What I learned today is to slow down and put my checklist away. I think my mother is ready to leave....I am not ready for her to leave as evidenced by my reluctance to say the word...die. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I heard your rerun of the
I heard your rerun of the interview with Jane Gross today. Her New Old Age blog was a landmark column and most helpful to read given the work I do. Another contributor, Paula Span, also articulates problems and issues that families encounter with clarity and compassion (and conflict).
As a geriatric care consultant I help families the sometimes lengthy process of assessing an elder's health issues and needs and the accompanying care plans which change as illness and abilities change. This is especially true regarding chronic illnesses that progress and dementia that can take many unexpected turns.
We talk about getting old as a boon. "Look at us we're so much healthier than our parents and WE'RE leading healthier lives"...until the unexpected happens; loss of memory being one of the most shocking health crises that take families (and individuals) aback. And we know now that noone is exempt - people in their 30's and 40's can be affected by dementia, leaving spouses still raising children having to deal with what becomes a very complicated picture. Or leaving single adults to find the ways to be cared for.
We live in a time of fast medicine - quick decisions to cure, make better, " stabilize" conditions; but this can be at the expense of the whole picture. Just read Michael Wolff's "A Life Worth Ending" to get an idea of how difficult it is when the medical community push for "life" and children, already in a state of anticipatory grieving, may not able to make clear judgements in the moment, but determined to do the best, if not the right, thing.
The book,"My Mother, Your' Mother" by Dr. Dennis McCullough provides a very different and consoling perspective. We can't help or change the length of an illness but we can start early by thinking about what we want, if and when; true for children and parents. He suggests the idea of "slow medicine" which refers to viewing a family member's health and abilities over a long period of time. More than a primer it helps organize an acceptable way for us to look, plan,and talk so that when health decisions must be made, it can be accomplished with less guilt, less angst and some sense (if not a complete plan) of how to proceed.
There will never be a fix for people who refuse to discuss the measures they do and do not want if they are no longer able to make decisions but family members who observe over a long time can help may learn indirectly what their family member might accept. This is true even when families don't agree or noone has power of attorney because once they learn that without consensus the legal machinery may take over and assign guardianship. Most families don't want that.
Families who struggle with one another benefit from talking with objective professionals who assist by putting together a picture based on talking with all involved to glean what their family member would want and help execute those wishes.
Your programs on aging and dementia have been good to get these conversations started. Thank you for your efforts and keep these topics at the top of your to-do lists. As the boomers age, the more information, the more the information is repeated, the better off we will all be.
~ Ruth Rothbart-Mayer, LCSW
Geriatric Care Consultant
By the time I had to become
By the time I had to become responsible for my 85-year-old mother, I was 'fortified.' She and I had never had a good relationship - too much alike.
After I graduated from seminary, I spent another year in an Advanced Clinical Pastoral Care Education at a major hospital, and part of my time was spent at the senior area, being with those who were completely cognizant to those with mild to serious mental and physical impairment. I served churches with elder populations, and was usually the one to visit, etc.
At this time of my life - having just turned 76 - I see each day of my life as a gift. I am very healthy and still very active, yet I am well aware of possibilities for change, so I have all my affairs in order, and have fixed living wills, etc., so that others with less responsibilities can take over, so my children, with young children, willl not have to stop their lives for me. They are aware and appreciative of this.
I'm with Gross on the idea of long-term illness before dying: I definitely don't like that idea. To a certain extent, I'm with Woody Allen, who once said, "I'm not afraid of dying; I just don't want to be there when it happens." I'm not afraid of death at all; it does bother me that, even though I can't hike the mountains, I really hate the thought of possibly being wheel-chair bound.
As to demensia: I think that, if it progresses, will bother my children and grandchildren more than me. Maria Shriver has written a good book about her experiences there.
My theology/philosophy at this time in my life is: find something funny to laugh about, find something to learn more about; be aware of the value of each moment, each visit with family and friends, and look with love at this beautiful world around us.
What a fabulous interview!
What a fabulous interview! Having lost my mother 20 years ago, and my father 10 years ago, I now realize,as I get closer to the long part of life, that there is now a program helping us face how we will go through this part of life. The book will be my next read.
Voices on the Radio
is the creator of The New Old Age blog at The New York Times and author of A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents — and Ourselves.
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Alzheimer's disease has been described as "the great unlearning," a "disease of memory," a "demise of consciousness." But what does it reveal about the nature of human identity? What remains when memory unravels? And how might such insights help Alzheimer's sufferers themselves?
We remember Studs Terkel, who recently died at the age of 96. The legendary interviewer chronicled decades of ordinary life and tumultuous change in U.S. culture. We visited him in his Chicago home in 2004 and drew out his wisdom and warmth on large existential themes of life and death. A lifelong agnostic, Studs Terkel shared his thoughts on religion as he'd observed it in his conversation partners, in culture, and in his own encounters with loss and mortality.
Kate Braestrup is a chaplain to game wardens, often on search and rescue missions, in the wilds of Maine. She works, as she puts it, at hinges of human experience when lives alter unexpectedly — where loss, disaster, decency and beauty intertwine. Hear her wise and unusual take on life and death, lost and found.
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Oberon wrote:The point is, Tram can counter impossible moves, by preventing any moves. And just like the easy counter to the Bogroll deception, all it would take is a single sentence:
"All casters and archers fire."
That is NOT established in any way, shape or form. Parson's plan is not dependent upon them calling for parley, it is merely assisted by them calling for parley. Wanda has the plan and can almost certainly invoke it at any time, it would be more chaotic and less efficient, no doubt, but we know from Jack's plan and also Tramennis' thought process that the process of eliminating the entire force in the airspace will take quite a while. So she could still respond, albeit less effectively.
Your "solution" also does not take into account two huge factors. First, the "GK is still a threat and we have now lost our leverage to negotiate" issue that has been raised many times before, as you know. Second, the fact that it would REQUIRE the Royals to act completely out of character. Their way is to negotiate first, even if only a sham negotiation, and to attack without warning would violate their Royal code of honor. Now, Parson thinks this code is stupid and perhaps you do as well, but the reality is that people tend to act according to their character, and expecting them to act otherwise is probably quite a bit more unreasonable than expecting them to act accordingly.


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For all the reasons that I checked off strongly agree on the survey. Professional, pleasant. Just a great experience.Martin from Jamestown, RI
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Even though I came after my reservation expired they were more than accommodating. Everything was explained to me thoroughly and respectfully.Christine from Pawtucket, RI
May 31, 2014
they had an answer for every question, they were very helpful and very nice.Danielle from Manchaug, MA
May 2, 2014
The staff member who was there when I rented the space could not have been nicer or more helpful.Diane from Warwick, RI
April 25, 2014
The associate was very kind, helpful, and professional.Kerianne from Saunderstown, RI
April 24, 2014
I like the service and the price so I will be coming back in the fall I hope you will have a space for my car .Kevin from Warwick, RI
April 23, 2014


text:
N. MIAMI KEYSTONE POINT 82ft Waterfront 3BR 2BA Fla. room, 2 car gar, yearly lease 305-892-1876 Annie Montgomery RealtyMore info Email a friend
264 LENAPE DR.VERY NICE. SHOWN BY APPT ONLY (941)615-7218 OR 941-525-6236.$1700/M0More info Email a friend
When you have your friends over for dinner at this [3BR, 2 bath] they'll marvel at the new maple wood kitchen, new bathrooms, WINDOWS, and central A/C. completely fenced with enough space for a BOAT and RV. The house has tons of closet space and storage...More info Email a friend
4 Beds, 2.5 Bath, 2 Car Garage, pool, on Kendall Call Carlos Brito Realtor Associate 786-543-6356 Buy N Rent Free NowMore info Email a friend
Beautiful updated two bedroom house. Wood floors, new kitchen appliances (new dishwasher, microwave, washer/dryer), new bathroom, new central air-conditioning, fireplace, garage large yard. $1800 Pets OK. MUST SEE.More info Email a friend
Gorgeous large family home, with open floor plan. Approximately 3,500 sq. ft.. Two separate family rooms, living room, kitchen, laundry room. Beautiful outdoor pool area and deck with view of canal. Nicely landscaped and fenced yard with storage shed. Best...More info Email a friend
Homestead single family home 3BR 2BA nice area, big yard, storage room 305-975-4718More info Email a friend
APARTMENTS AVAILABLE IN HOMESTEAD AREA 2 Bedroom available. Vouchers also accepted for qualified applicants. All utilities furnished. Amenities include: playgrounds, summer food program, 24 hr. on-site maintenance, close to schools, churches, shopping...More info Email a friend
NMB OFF IVES DIARY RD 3br 2.5 baths garage. glass sliding doors to balcony over looking golf course and patio available now $1950/m contact owner (954) 534-2683More info Email a friend
EAST HIALEAH water and waste incl. 3BR 2BA $1,650/m 305-333-9395More info Email a friend


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Got a question. The blower motor went out on my AC. Not the compressor motor but the squirrel cage motor. I found a "free" motor that was about the same size, or so I thought, to mine. Turns out its a 1/4 hp motor. Pulled my old one out this morning and its a .90 hp. I thought what the hell, let's try the 1/4 hp. The 1/4 hp works but seemed like it got pretty hot in a short amount of time that I tested it. A new .90 hp motor is around $200 which I don't have.
Anyone know of any places I can get one cheaper? I am pretty sure that running this smaller motor is not a good thing. I am not beyond running a used motor either at this point.


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FaithVillage is the new social network for faith experiences. Set-up your loft and meet some new friends. Watch an inspiring video or join a cause. Share a ministry idea or post a blog.
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text: The 49th Annual Watsonville Fly-In and Air Show is Labor Day Weekend, August 30 - September 1, 2013 at Watsonville Municipal Airport. The all new event features lots of new activities this year. Enjoy planes, trains and automobiles as the Watsonville Fly-In expands it appeal to include experimental airplanes, retro rods and wild horsepower. It's more than just a car show. Watch as Jet Pack man races againt a car in three exciting shows. The Fly-In also features an air show on Saturday and Sunday; daredevil aerobatics, war birds, parachute jumpers, a Ritchie Valens tribute concert featuring brother Mario Valens and much more. For more information go to www.watsonvilleairshow.org


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IT Pro Ranking: Enterprise Social Networking
IT Pro Ranking: Enterprise Social Networking
InformationWeek surveyed 405 IT professionals to evaluate enterprise social networking software vendors. We asked our respondents to rate vendors they use or have used or evaluated in the past 12 months. Our ratings are based on two broad sets of criteria: The first is for overall performance and includes items such as product reliability, innovation and cost. The second consists of category-specific features, such as status updates, team workspaces and social bookmarking. At the start of our survey, we listed 20 enterprise social networking vendors for evaluation (see Figure 1). Six of those vendors received a sufficient number of responses to be included in this report: Drupal, Google Sites, IBM Lotus Live/Lotus Connections, Microsoft SharePoint, Salesforce.com Chatter and Yammer.
When it comes to overall performance, respondents rated Google Sites as the best-performing vendor for enterprise social networking software. The search company's enterprise social platform earned a 73% rating (see Figure 2). However, IBM's Lotus Live/Lotus Connections and Chatter from Salesforce were both just 1 percentage point behind Google, indicating a tight race. Rounding out our six vendors, Drupal scored 70% and Microsoft 69%. Yammer brought up the rear with 66%. (As this report was being written, Microsoft announced its intention to purchase Yammer for $1.2 billion in cash.)
These overall performance scores are based on a set of general criteria. As you can see in Figure 3, respondents rated product reliability as the most important criterion, followed closely by flexibility and product performance. We also break out the vendors' individual rankings on these criteria, shown in Figure 4. Three vendors—Google, IBM and Salesforce—earned a 3.9 for product reliability, the highest mean average ranking for that criterion.
The only vendor to score a mean average of 4 or above in any of the criteria was Drupal, which earned a 4.2 for acquisition costs. This isn't a surprise, given that Drupal is an open source product. Google Sites and Yammer also rated well for acquisition costs, likely because both use a "freemium" model: The initial service is free, and customers can upgrade to get additional features and administrative controls. Microsoft and IBM both received the lowest mean average rating for acquisition costs, at 3.3. (R4850612)


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Hot mature chick Akiho Yoshizawa is such a horny that she doesn´t need cock to get her off, all she needs is her sexy toys and you will see her here in her wear having the wildest and hottest masturbation session ever. She gets so fucking horny that it isn´t funny, she does tons of dildo sucking and you will see her having some really wild dildo insertion like no other solo girls that you have ever seen before.
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Yuria Satomi
Yuria Satomi is a hot Asian MILF in her office suit. She is in the break room with a co worker and he is interested in her sexy pantyhose and her pussy. She is making out with him and doing some hand work on his cock when he gets to her w..
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Round tit and horny babe Yuria Satomi making out and hardcore fucked. She tease and makes out with her hung lover and strips down on her sexy dress. She get her boobies squuezed and wet pussy licked. She humps on his cock, grinds on it ti..
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Smiling Japanese sweetie Misaki Honda gets teased in a playful way by her horny boyfriend. She curves in front of him in a sexy swimsuit, and the guy tickles and fondles her sweet juicy body with a vibrator, making the sweetie wild by arranging this kinky insertion!
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December 2013
This hands-on class will teach the secrets of preparing world class Neapolitan style pizzas in your home kitchen. Learn to make dough from scratch, delicious tomato sauces and techniques for baking a pizza using an oven peel and baking stone.
Syn# 78356
Cost $42
Go to WebAdvisor Continuing Education to search (use the Syn #) and register and pay for class."
Come tap into your creative side and make beautiful handmade holiday cards. Session will begin with a demonstration of how to make a handmade card using rubber stamps and embellishments. No experience necessary and all materials supplied. Leave with lower blood pressure and some wonderfully unique cards to give to family and friends! Class meets Thursday, 12/12, from 1p-3p at the Pitkin County Senior Center.
'Tis the season for delicious, hearty winter meals. But don't let cooking get in the way of your work, school or play. Join us in this hands-on workshop as we learn to prepare simple, tasty and convenient one-pot meals.
Syn# 78380
Cost $42
Go to WebAdvisor Continuing Education to search (use the Syn #) and register and pay for class.
Take a trip to Val d
You will make, bake, share and wrap dozens and dozens of holiday cookies and treats – and go home to a clean kitchen. We will show you how to package for gifting and offer tips on storing. Bring your favorite cookie tins or storage containers. 12/14/2013 -12/15/2013, $90, Course # CUA-901-VE10, Syn #78136. Location: Battle Mountain High School Kitchen. For registration information, click the Back button at the top of this entry.
In this three-hour workshop, we will explore and learn about these three popular applications on the Mac. These are three built-in applications on the Mac, which are both fun and easy to use. You will learn how to surf the web, how to use the Safari program effectively, how to save your favorite web sites with bookmarks, how to organize your bookmarks, how to search effectively for information on-line, and how set up parental on-line restraints for your children. Using Mac Mail, you will learn how to write, send, receive, reply, forward, organize and delete emails. You will learn how to send attachments, how to save attachments that others send you, and how know if your attachments are properly sized. Using the Mac Address book, you will learn how this program integrates with Mac Mail, and how to add people and groups to your address book.
Syn# 78203
Cost $35
Go to WebAdvisor Continuing Education to search (use the Syn #) and register and pay for class."


text:
Original Polk RT1000p towers are very very ugly (sorry Polk), especially with that felt material stuff glued to the front.
After many years and a few moves that felt material looked like crap, the speakers had some dents in them, so I have decided to refinish the cabinets.
First, that multi-layer black paint finish on the sides is another piece of crap. Took me forever to remove it.
Anyway, here is the final result. Red Chestnut finish on the birch veneer.
Before (last year):
Now please convince me to start working on the CS400...


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(CLOSED)Pixel raffleTime for the monthly pixel raffle :iconlazydanceplz:
Just fave this journal
there will be 2 winners and winners
get a pixel avatar of there choice
raffle will end in 2 days
So many artists underpricing...It makes me really sad.
When an artist you want to commission finally open their commissions back and all of their slots are taken in less than a minute.
And I'm sure all the slots would still be taken if the price was increased of x2-x10.
So many artists are still underpricing themselves. People make it a standard for art to sell for so cheap and whenever someone charge more than this standard, which is probably still underpriced, people complain.
By underpricing yourself, you are also contributing to keep the price standard of art low on this site. Charging low can be insulting to other artists, but also to yourself.
Please, don't ever feel like you need to underprice yourself, because of the fear of what other might think or say. You art is worth more than that. There will always be someone complaining, you cannot please everyone. Your time, the efforts, the skills you gained over years of hard work, is worth far way more than a few cents/points.
If you ever open your commissions an
1500 watchers RAFFLE! [OPEN]welp i'm starting the raffle now that i have some free time to judge the contest entry
the price list is:
P1. monocolor headshots: for 2 person
P2. paint headshot: for 2 person
How To Enter:
1. fave the journal
2. profit
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and if you don't mind, do share
28 july 2014
Winner list:
usual random.org for picking numbers
good luck peeps ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
OMFG! Hetalia The Beautiful World English Dub(HEREHETALIANS! LOOK! SPARKLEY NEW SEASON FIVE!!!!!!!
I did this for you guys :iconcryingfemamericaplz::iconPoutiefemamericaplz:
No Ep1 because it is not avaible in some countries
Gakuen Hetalia : Go Forth! Newspaper Club!! First Half
Go Forth! Newspaper Club!! Second Half
Russia and Friends
Though I May Depart, You Shall Remain
Romano's Diary
Things That Often Happen When Rooming With An American
The Gentle FIght Between Russia And I
@ Netherland
Turkey & I
April Fools
[Star!] Merry Halloween
[Star!] Finding Santa
[Star!] Brother, We Are...!!
[Star!] A bientôt! Until We Meet Again!
[Star!] What Italy Forgot
[Star!] Hetalia of the Dead part 1
Did America just make a Paranormal Activity Ref?
[Star!] Hetalia of the Dead part 2
[Star!] Keep On Moving!! March Forward, Sealand!
[Star!] It's the F
Weekly 100 Points Giveaway - Week 2Hi people. :iconfeelingfreeplz:
It's time for the second one
How to participate.
This journal
Say something nice about the person who posted before you
That's all
The winners will be announced in a week.
4 winners ( 25 each )
Good luck everyone
.my grandfather died last night
and i sat on the roof for three hours
and i felt
and i felt
and i wrote
and i wrote
and then
i bit the night
and the night, it bit me back
and i cried
and today
i am still feeling
and today
i am still writing
and now
i have made
a decision;
i am letting
my mind
off it's leash
(i'm going to let my mind chew right through me)
.chloe says
i need an angel
with big white wings and skin
that shines like gold,
do you believe in angels, charlotte?
i say
the plants are all dead in here,
how can a plant
know something i don't?
and i'm not religious but the only time
i ever felt peaceful
was when i sat in church
luke comes in, and chloe says
luke, you believe in angels?
he says what, like them feathery dickheads
with halos and stuff? nah i don't -
then we sit and watch a fly bash it's brains in
on the window
i think
how strange
that it can't see what's killing it
i think
how strange
neither can we
(the plants are dead, but we are still waiting)
.he always wants the light on
when he's sleeping, says he's scared
but i can't see the point;
i say not all monsters
are trying to hurt you, at least
not right away
and his bottom lip goes
and he screams shut up
but i laugh and i tickle his ribs
and then he laughs with me
and he says
love you
and i say i love you too
little man
(i love you too)
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may as well buy another packcollapse, and breathe into the carpet:
sunday mornings are not
for falling apart, but damn
the amphorics, this
is not an atmosphere.
you fell in love like you always
wish you didn't, made all their
smiles replaceable, interchangeable,
fell asleep with shadows and kept
drinking, just letting yourself sleep
with blue pills
and tried not to scream.
(keep this image in your head:
fire and nectarines, a sudden jerk
of realization, inspiration
breaking your neck and leaving you forever
breaking bones is not so different
from breaking hearts - it's all about
the leverage, the angle, the mode
of attack
(and at least it wasn't personal;
it can color in your own guilt
for starting lines and never ending
A Turning Point in the Clockwork WarA war of attrition
depends on supply and drawdown,
how much you have and how much you use up.
With personnel, the balance concerns
the influx of recruitment versus
the outflow of casualties, deserters, invalids.
There is only so much loss
that a fighting force can sustain
and still fight.
Pilot Claude Archer was the first
to challenge his invalid discharge.
"I don't need legs to fly," he said,
patting the healed stumps of his thighs.
"My Osprey runs on elbow grease."
The members of the discharge board
paused and looked at each other.
What he said was true.
The Osprey-class fighter jets
relied on hand controls,
and a sharp eye and iron nerve.
Fingers flicked through the stack
of discharge papers -- so many, many pages.
So many soldiers lost, never to fight again.
They could not afford to let slip even one
who might be retained, somehow,
to face the front line once more.
Far less could the war effort spare
one of its best pilots.
So they put Pilot Archer back on the roster,
and he
The Panic Room (A Supernatural One-Shot)"Dean…? Dean?"
The name felt like lead on Sam's tongue, so thick and heavy that he wasn't sure if the syllable had actually made it past his lips.
The only reason he was aware of something cutting into his neck was the trail of red that was marking a small pathway against the stark fabric of his shirt. The dark suit and tie that usually accompanied the white-collared look were missing, but he couldn't remember why.
His brother's name seemed to drop soundlessly into the dark space before him. Everything felt heavy. Dull. Maybe he was dreaming.
But dreams shouldn't smell of dust and abandonment. They shouldn't be framed by cobwebs and wallpaper so aged that their floral design has faded into funeral bouquets. They shouldn't have flickering candlelight and robed figures looking down on you.
No, dreams shouldn't be like that.
But Winchesters don't have dreams. They have nightmares. Sam smile
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Southeast, Florida Vacations - Travel guide to Southeast, Florida accommodations and vacation packages. Visit Southeast, Florida for getaways and adventure travel. Plan your Southeast, Florida vacation today.
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Southeast, Florida Golf - Experience our 30 room boutique hotel & resort surrounded by an 18 hole championship golf course, located in hollywood beach, florida
Naples, Florida Fishing Trips - Come join me as we fish the plentiful back and near shore waters of Naples. Let me share with you the seemingly endless opportunities to catch redfish, snook and the elusive tarpon.
Naples, Florida Fishing Trips - Offering Custom Fishing Charters in Naples. Florida for Snook, Tarpon, Redfish and Trout. Specialize in light tackle live bait fishing the inshore and near shore waters aboard a Pathfinder 22 bay boat.
Chokoloskee, Florida Fishing Trips - We cater to the smaller, more personal, group Eco Tours. Max passangers is 3. Boat Assisted Photo Tours,Birding Tours,Sunset Tours,Out Island Beach Walks and Fishing. Prices very depending on type of tour. From 2 hrs.To an all day Adventure.
Islamorada, Florida Fishing Trips - Blue Moon Expeditions is a world class provider of overnight fishing expeditions in the Florida Everglades, Islamorada, and the Lower Keys.
Naples, Florida Fishing Trips - FISHING NAPLES WITH CAPTAIN ERIC, INC. offers exciting fishing trips for the novice to the most experienced angler. Rates include fishing license, ice, bait, tackle and fish cleaning. Inshore and offshore fishing are available...customized at yo
Bradenton, Florida Fishing Trips - The Profesional Fishing Academy is an opportunity to take your angling skills to the next level. Students will learn and train with Fox Sports #1 Fishing show host, Captain Blair "The Mogan Man" Wiggins, and maximize their time spent on the water.
United States, Florida Golf - Florida Sports: Golf
United States, Florida Golf - Florida Sports: Golf
United States, Florida Golf - Florida Sports: Golf


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This eText shows students how food service professionals create and deliver guest-driven service, enhance value, build guest loyalty, and promote repeat business. Students will learn how every aspect of a food service operation contributes to the guest experience and will explore unique features of a variety of food and beverage operations.The fourth edition is a comprehensive revision featuring the latest service trends contributing to the guest experience; new leadership information; sustainability/green issues for suppliers, equipment, and facilities; menu trends; revised labor and cost control information; and all new restaurant industry examples.This eText includes an online component that presents information about the skills and knowledge needed by successful restaurant servers. It features video segments, interactive activities, printable checklists and worksheets.
Authors: Ronald F. Cichy, Ph.D., NCE, CHA Emeritus, CFBE, CHE, Michigan State University; Philip J. Hickey, Jr., Chairman of the Board, O'Charley's, Inc.©2012, 15 chapters, eTextISBN 978-0-86612-384-6
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text:
July 19, 2010
Players prepare to tee at No. 10 during Monday stroke play.
Follow the live leaderboard from the 2014 RBC Canadian Open.
See the action and emotion of Rory McIlroy's 2014 British Open championship at Royal Liverpool in Hoylake, England.
Sam Horsfield and Jorge Garcia each confirmed to Golfweek that they are both still committed to join Florida's men's golf program, led by new coach J.C. Deacon, in the fall of 2015.
A look at the NCAA men's championship final between Alabama and Oklahoma State.
Will Zalatoris, Curtis Luck, Sam Horsfield and Davis Riley all advanced to Friday afternoon's semifinals at the U.S. Junior Amateur, setting up what should be an exciting pair of matches.
See some of the action, emotion and scenery of the first round of stroke play at the U.S. Junior Amateur Championship in The Woodlands, Texas, and the U.S. Girls' Junior Championship in Flagstaff, Ariz.
Take advantage when you can is the name of the game at Niagara Falls Country Club for the 56th annual Porter Cup as Geoff Drakeford takes the second-round lead.
A look at Round 1 at the Harder Hall in photos.
Mountain Park's heathland-style design shows Gary Player at the top of his game, says our Bradley S. Klein.
View images of the lodge at the Streamsong Resort which features 216 guest rooms. The lodge was done by architect Alberto Alfonso.
July 19, 2010
Photo by Tracy Wilcox
Players prepare to tee at No. 10 during Monday stroke play.