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Leaderboard Feature: Positional Splits!
There are now splits options on the FanGraphs leaderboards that allow you to see exactly how a player performed at an individual position. These positional splits also include a Value tab, so you can see a player's WAR totals and components at a specific position.
Please note that these are different from the existing positional filters, which filter on qualified players (25% of games played) at a particular position. The new splits will only show the stats for a player while he was playing a specific position.
This is particularly useful at the team and league level where you don't want full season stats from players who play multiple positions in your leaderboard.
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Your Position: HomeChina NewsShapotou scenic area in NW China's Ningxia
Shapotou scenic area in NW China's Ningxia
updated: 2013-04-15
Camels walk in the desert to wait for tourists at the scenic area of Shapotou in Zhongwei City, northwest China's Ningxia Hui Autonomous Region, April 11, 2013. (Xinhua/Liu Quanlong)
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Shareholders structure
Otkritie Bank is the largest private bank in Russia
and fourth in terms of assets among the Russian banking groups
Shareholders Structure
(1) Including subsidiaries holding 4.1% interest.
(2)Including non-governmental pension funds, which hold 25.1% of ordinary shares, and other stakeholders (10.2% of ordinary shares).
The information above is presented as of August 5, 2016.


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Changing Africa
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So Friday night was too poppin'. Just about everyone was in attendance for Will's 20th birthday, and for the most part the night went just right. Good spot in the Bronx with chill people and good vibes. Music was bumping and bottles were being popped; The strippers even came out. All in all it was a great night, and we're happy to have some photos to remember it by. Shout outs to everyone who came through for my partner in crime. More photos at the jump. Continue reading
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|Beyond Basics : Getting a name | Heraldry | Personas | Who is Who | Helping out
Devices, Badges and Arms, Oh MyOne of the most confusing areas for most newcomers and one of the things most want to rush right into is the creation of their own set of "arms". You will go to events and see the brightly colored designs on shields, banners, clothing, or personal items. They are what people call their "device" or "arms". They are part of what the SCA considers heraldry( the others being name and then of course court and voice heralds)
To many people this is what identifies them. In medieval times, when a knights personal "arms" designated who he was, it also allowed him to be identified from greater distances. Today the same is true, looking across a field it is easier to identify a fighter by the markings on their sheild than by their armor. The same is true for banners, they are used to identify groups, households and individual people. Recently the analogy was made that your device is like your social security number, its your best idenifier without knowing your name.
A device is a term used to describe any heraldic emblem used by an individua. It is most commonly found on banners, sheild and sometimes on tents and clothing.. A badge is a simpler device that is generally used on tokens or other smaller items in which a device would not be suitable. When a person becomes an "armiger" ( or earns an award that allows you to "bear arms"), the heraldic device is called then called "arms".
Just like with names, a person can simply put anything they would like on a banner or sheild and call it their own. They do not have to fallow the rules for heraldic devices in the SCA..but if they want to make it exclusively theirs, so no one else can use that exact design, then you must register them with the College of Heralds.
There are hundreds of web sites out there that discusses how to design your device..and resources to help you do so. They also explain how to consult with a herald to help you through the decision process. Again, like names, registering your device takes along time..and if you change it..it will take just as long the next time around, so work with what you pick, make sure you can reproduce it. Hang it on your fridge and look at it every day..is it what you truly want?
Below are links to the main Society sites that deal with heraldic devices and how to submit them
SCA Heraldry ~ http://www.sca.org/heraldry/
Rules and Regulation : SCA College of Arms ~ http://www.sca.org/heraldry/laurel/regs.html
Modar's Heraldry Pages ~ http://www2.kumc.edu/itc/staff/rknight/Heraldry2.htm
Glossary of Terms ~ http://www.sca.org/heraldry/coagloss.html
Period Style Heraldry ~ http://www.sca.org/heraldry/laurel/psai/psai.html
Animals in Heraldry ~ http://dragon_azure.tripod.com/UoA/AnimalBlazonry.html
East Kingdom Heraldry Page ~ http://www.eastkingdom.org/heraldry/l
East Kingdom Submission Forms~ http://tulgey.browser.net/~ech/#formsl
This page last modified March 21, 2003.


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Social Enterprise Alliance Los Angeles Chapter is led by a volunteer Board of Directors that coordinates with the national leaders at Social Enterprise Alliance.
Therese Nolasco, President
Therese is a social enterprise consultant, specializing in the areas of business development, marketing, finance, and strategic planning. Prior to this, she was the Director of Business Development at Homeboy Industries and contributed to the growth of its various social enterprises. Prior to her role at Homeboy, she worked at The Walt Disney Company and KPMG NYC in different finance and marketing capacities. Therese has strong business acumen, is very passionate about the social enterprise field, and values using the power of business as a force for good. She is a proud Bruin and received her MBA from UCLA Anderson School of Management. She is truly inspired by the transformative work of the social enterprise community in LA and is enthusiastic about helping the community grow and build a sustainable future.
Zoe Bollinger, Vice-President
Zoe Bollinger currently serves as the Vice-President and is the past Communications Chair for SEA Los Angeles. Zoe is a global business development professional with expertise in the role of culture in international business and how we can collaborate to succeed in diverse settings. She is passionate about social entrepreneurship and crafting innovative strategies to create global opportunity. Zoe has worked in the US, Asia, and Europe, and plans to continue leveraging her business experience to foster sustainable development and long term economic empowerment.
Anastasia Butler, Secretary
Sustainable Law Group
Joe Altepeter
Joe is excited to Chair the SEA Los Angeles board and work to continue the effective efforts of the founding board to engage the Los Angeles community as a whole toward an inclusive economic future for social change. He currently serves as the Director of the Downtown Women's Center's Social Enterprise, MADE by DWC, and provides leadership and expertise to the product and retail based social enterprise while developing and overseeing the vocational education programs. He is inspired by the community of partners he works with everyday to create the vision and development of a growing social enterprise where product design and job-readiness meet commerce.
Howard Brodwin - A sports marketing veteran of over 20 years, Howard is the founder of Sports and Social Change, a sports marketing firm with a specific focus on Cause Marketing, Corporate Social Responsibility and Social Enterprise development, working to connect brands, media properties, teams, leagues and athletes with nonprofit organizations, foundations and affiliated cause-driven businesses in sports. His expertise includes brand positioning and activation, grassroots and experiential marketing programs, public relations and social media campaigns, event management and sponsorship, business plans and corporate partnership development. Over the past 20 years, Howard has managed marketing and public relations programs for a diverse group of sports brands and properties including Rollerblade, Powerbar, LPGA, K-Swiss, Salomon, Bauerfeind, Red Star Hockey, and a wide range of nonprofit organizations such as Special Olympics, DisAbility Sports Festival, Global Team Players, Leukemia Lymphoma Society, Blind Judo Foundation and Pearl of Africa Series. Follow Howard on Twitter @sportsandchange
Sue Cross is founder and principal of Cross Strategy, an advisory helping build revenue, craft alliances and leverage strategic communications to advance companies and causes in fast-changing environments. As a social entrepreneur, she is founding a networking platform for first-generation college graduates and serves on boards including EdSource, SEA-LA and the advisory board of the California Endowment Health Journalism Fellowship program at USC. Her work leverages years of media business, news and public affairs experience. Cross formed her Los Angeles-based firm in 2014 after serving as a business and content executive for The Associated Press, where she managed a $380 million portfolio of news and information businesses, a nationwide membership cooperative and developed digital partnerships with media and technology firms across the U.S. and Latin America.
Ashley Cordero: As REDF's representative for the City of Los Angeles' LA: RISE pilot program, Ashley Cordero is responsible for coordinating and providing technical assistance to a network of employers and service providers to achieve successful social enterprise and employee retention outcomes. Using REDF's hands-on entrepreneurial model, Ashley is building on the existing Los Angeles-based social enterprise network and documenting their impact. Her previous experience as a program manager for the social business TOMS is key to help REDF create locally-based programs that address issues such as homelessness, recidivism, and at risk youth. . A graduate of UCLA, Ashley is committed to maximizing outcomes at the intersection of business and social impact. An aspiring vegan cook, she also enjoys exploring the outdoors and reading. Ashley also serves on the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation Young Professionals board.
Sona Chandwani
Chief Financial & Adminstrative Officer at Children's Bureau
Ayda Safaei
Community Relations Manager, LA Metro
Ryan Blanc
Marcus Castain
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Cecily Jackson-Zapata (now on the National SEA Board)
Vivienne Lee
Kristin Magnuson
Bianca Philipi
Lauren Shapiro
John Sullivan
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Mika Kim
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text:
Barcelona's Lionel Messi scored his 13th Champions League goal of the campaign to set a competition season scoring record when he netted an 11th-minute penalty against AC Milan in their quarterfinal second leg on Tuesday.
The three-times World Player of the Year passed the previous best of 12 goals established by himself last season and Dutchman Ruud van Nistelrooy with Manchester United in 2003, to notch his 50th goal in the competition.
Messi reaches 50-goal landmark
Lionel Messi scored the 50th Champions League goal of his career on Tuesday in his side's quarterfinal second-leg clash with AC Milan.
The Argentinian became, at the age of 24, the youngest player to reach the landmark when he converted a penalty in the 11th minute of the game to put Barca 1-0 ahead on aggregate.


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Peace after marriage / directed by Bandar Albuliwi, Ghazi Albuliwi.
Available copies
- 1 of 1 copy available at Evergreen Indiana.
Current holds
0 current holds with 1 total copy.
|Call Number / Copy Notes
|Shelving Location
|Due Date
|Fulton Co PL - Rochester Main Library
|DVD COMEDY PEA (Text)
|Digital Video Disc - R
|: 44902 [ mh 2016-07-12 @ FCPLR ]
Record details
- Physical Description: 1 videodisc (86 min.) : sound, color ; 4 3/4 in.
- Publisher: [United States] : Omnibus Entertainment, [2016]
Content descriptions
|General Note:
| Title from sell sheet.
Originally released as a motion picture in 2013.
|Participant or Performer Note:
| Hiam Abbass, Ghazi Albuliwi, Omer Barnea, Thom Bishops, Assaf Cohen.
|Summary, etc.:
| Arafat has sex on the brain, but his Palestinian parents see marriage in his future. When a friend proposes a Green Card wedding so an Israeli girl can stay in the U.S., a global conflict finds its way to the living room, and the bedroom.
|Target Audience Note:
| Rating: Not rated.
|System Details Note:
|Language Note:
| English dialogue; English subtitles; closed-captioned.
Search for related items by subject
|Marriage > Drama.
Palestinian Americans > Drama.
|Fiction films.
Comedy films.
Feature films.
Video recordings for the hearing impaired.


text:
Topological Architectures For Integrated Systems Computer Science Essay
Published: Last Edited:
This essay has been submitted by a student. This is not an example of the work written by our professional essay writers.
The use of a distributed antenna system especially for indoor communications to support next generation wireless systems offers several advantages over conventional wireless architectures. A microcellular network can be easily implemented by using a fiber-fed distributed antenna network. Each antenna unit in this setup, receives RF signals from different peripheral devices and transmits over an optical fiber link to a central base station where all the de-multiplexing and signal processing is done [8]. So, each remote antenna site just consists of an optical transceiver, an electrical amplifier and the antenna. Therefore, the overall cost and complexity of these microcellular antenna sites is quite lower than the traditional base transceiver stations (BTSs). The distributed antenna radio network with the potential of adaptive antenna selection and adaptive channel allocation offers increased spectrum efficiency. Furthermore, the distributed antenna system also offers an infrastructure that takes the radio interface very close to the end-users. Due to less power dissipation and reduced coverage area, it provides quite improved energy efficiency and reliability. Many base stations are interconnected and served by a central office in this setup. The fast deployment of PON also emphasizes the importance of analyzing the fiber optic infrastructure to support a DAS system. This concept can capitalize the increasing penetration of fiber access network all over the world.
In general, a Central office serves a certain geographical area by interconnecting a set of base stations, even though multiple sets of base stations can also be connected to the same CO. It can help to reduce the operational expenditure by using the same space for multi-set BS setup. In this scenario, the CO must have an optical interface for each set of base stations to propagate the radio signals over the optical fiber.
The focus in this chapter is only on the physical connection between the CO and the base stations architectures that addresses the basic requirements imposed by the DAS for the underlying optical fiber infrastructure. To support a DAS network, the optical fiber infrastructure may be planned considering the characteristic of physical topologies like chain/bus, star, tree-and-branch, and ring that are represented in the simplified diagrams of Fig. 5.6. The decision of the most appropriate topology depends on the fiber layout strategy and the number of terminals to be supported by the network. The location of the CO and the base stations normally determines the topology that requires the smallest amount of fiber to offer the required connectivity. For example, the chain topology will be the appropriate choice to connect all the antennas in a building requiring one antenna per floor to minimize the fiber layout. On the other hand, the star will be the better choice if the CO is located in the center of the geographic area, whereas the tree- and-branch is the best option in case the base stations are distributed in a more irregular fashion. For designing of optical fiber network, another important parameter to consider is the active or passive fiber plant. In active optic network, power requiring and costly equipment as switches, routers, and multiplexers/de-multiplexers can be placed within the distribution fiber network requiring environmental enclosures. Where, the passive optical networks only consists of passive splitters/combiners and passive arrayed wavelength grating (AWG) without the need of any powering. Although, the passive optical plants deployment and operational costs are quite low but they lack the flexibility provided by the active approach that allows the reconfiguration of the network to dynamically allocate the resources. Moreover, the active optical network can provide longer reach and large number of subscriber's connection by employing amplification and regeneration. Furthermore, Security is considered an added advantage of active optical networks. However, the passive optical networks can apply encryption mechanisms to minimize the security issues.
The tree topology is normally considered the best solution for implementation of optical access system as discussed in chapter-3. The tree topology allows the minimization of fiber layout and optimization of the resource sharing in most of the geographical situations. Moreover, the passive optical networks are preferred for RoF implementation due to their lower deployment and operational cost when compared to active optical networks. These choices are also in conformation with the standardized PON infrastructures installed all over the world.
Fig 5.6. Topological architectures for a fiber fed DAS (a) bus topology (b) ring topology (c) star topology (d) Tree-and-branch topology
5.4.1 Accompaniment of legacy wireless services in RoF-PON integrated systems
A future access network should be capable of not only provide wired and multi-gigabit wireless services together but also support legacy wireless systems. To make the installation of DAS for multi-gigabit wireless services more attractive for network operators and service providers, the support of legacy wireless services over the same infrastructure has the critical importance. It is necessary to take in to the account the requirement of additional resources for integration of the legacy services while designing the fiber-optic infrastructures. Therefore, the fiber-optic infrastructure should be designed to offer the required resources for simultaneous provision of legacy and new multi-gigabit technologies to reduce the operational cost on the shared infrastructure.
The legacy wireless services do not need high capacity as requires by 60GHz mm-wave or other multi-gigabit services. Therefore, they need quite less bandwidth capacity to transmit their data. Hence, supplying an entire wavelength to legacy service base station or DAS unit represents a significant waste of resources. So, a better approach is to share the each wavelength per multiple base stations of legacy services, separating the services and the antennas using SCM or TDM. A hybrid WDM-TDM or WDM-SCM can be appropriate solution while addressing the deployment of additional wavelengths needed for legacy systems. The choice of the most appropriate solution largely depends upon the number of base stations needed to support legacy service and the required capacity per base station.
Another possible option is to use space division multiplexing (SDM) as the multiplexing technology to support legacy systems over a future DAS network but it requires a duplication of the entire fiber plant infrastructure that will increase the overall capital and operational expenditure. It means two completely independent networks will be required for multi-gigabit wireless and legacy systems. Although, this consideration is quite expensive but make the networks transparent to each other. But, it will not only incur much higher costs for the entire system but also not workable in the cases where fiber plant is already installed.
Therefore, it is more appropriate to choose the better and economical alternatives based on hybrid fiber networks using a multiplexing scheme based on wavelength division and time division since it does not need the duplication of the fiber plant. Moreover, hybrid fiber networks allow the optimization of the resources and can adjust the wavelength capacity to support legacy systems.
5.4.2 Signal transmission options for high capacity wireless networks
In this section, the analysis of the different optical link types will be discussed especially the analog and digital approaches. Presently, the most of the deployed systems are digital including telecommunications and data networks. However, the analog systems will increase in number after the deployment of high speed wireless services.
The two major protocols defined for digital radio networks to support and control the base stations remotely are the common public radio interface (CPRI) [9] and the open base station architecture initiative (OBSAI) [10]. They are able to manage the 3G and 4G wireless networks by specifying a digitized and serial interface among base stations. These protocols are sufficient to offer all the conventional services to base stations through baseband processing functions. However, they will not able to support high cell throughput and wider channel bandwidth future systems consists of several sectors with multiple-input multiple-output (MIMO) channels.
The implementation of RoF links is a promising alternative that applies less complicated and more energy efficient base stations [11]. The RoF networks allow the placement of all switching, multiplexing, and processing units at one central location. Furthermore, the utilization of optical fibers provides the transparent transmission of the radio signals to/from multiple remote antennas. Therefore, only optical to electrical conversion, filtering and amplification of radio signals are required at remote antenna units with the help of analog RoF link. The RoF analog network is considered as a better choice for the high capacity DAS based wireless systems.
5.4.3 Radio signals propagation over hybrid passive optical networks
As discussed in previous sections, the most attractive solution for future wireless access networks is to interconnect the base station through fiber based passive access network (PON). An economical and consistent network is required to transmit the data between the base station and the baseband module located in a central office. Therefore, the propagation of wireless data over a PON infrastructure is quite lucrative and attractive approach. It allows the deployment of an array of distributed antenna network of base stations. In the wireless network architecture, a baseband module can support multiple base stations quite similar to the hierarchy of PON infrastructure where one OLT serves multiple ONUs. Therefore, the employment of already installed PON infrastructure for wireless network results in the optimization of fiber deployment and additional cost savings.
The standards formulated for PON systems have several differences including the data rate, the transmission protocols and the bandwidth efficiency [12]. GPON is based on a generic encapsulation method (GEM) for layer 2 framing, where each frame supports a maximum payload size of 4095 bytes [13]. GPON system is around 94% bandwidth efficient for both upstream and downstream communication. On the other hand, the second major standard of 1G EPON that released in 2004 [14] only have bandwidth efficiency of 73% for the downlink and ~69% for the uplink. It offers the symmetric line rates of 1.25 Gbit/s and employs 8b/10b line coding with the use of Ethernet framing of a maximum payload size of 1500 bytes. The lower bandwidth efficiency for 1G EPON is due to the use of higher control message overhead. In 2009, IEEE has released the 10G EPON standards [15] that specify the new system operating at 10.3125 Gbit/s line rates applying Ethernet framing with 64b/66b line coding. In the present system bandwidth efficiency of around 96% is achieved. In hybrid networks, normally a specific wavelength is used to transmit data to multiple base stations by time division multiplexing. Therefore, TDM standards are crucial for mapping radio signals.
In order to transmit the radio data over PON standards need to evaluate the suitability of specific standard. The propagation of radio signals over PON network need to satisfy the tough QoS requirements of both the wireless and optical standards in the integrated network. The possible infrastructures for the optical/wireless integrated networks are specified in previous sections. The previously discussed options CPRI and RoF both need trivial modification in medium access control (MAC). Therefore, only the IP backhauling is considered to be the suitable choice to further investigate the mapping of radio signals over PON. It can satisfy the requirements for integration and can support the frame formatting for transmission over the PON. Therefore, IP backhauling can be applied to ensure minimum delays and bit streams mapping over PON protocols.


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Conference USA NFL scouting combine invites
|Trey Hendrickson
|Defensive end
|Florida Atlantic
|Jonnu Smith
|Tight end
|Florida International
|Carlos Henderson
|Wide receiver
|Louisiana Tech
|Trent Taylor
|Wide receiver
|Louisiana Tech
|Xavier Woods
|Louisiana Tech
|Larry Ogunjobi
|Defensive tackle
|Zach Pascal
|Wide receiver
|Old Dominion
|Aaron Jones
|Running back
|Hayden Plinke
|Tight end
|Forrest Lamp
|Offensive lineman
|Western Kentucky
|Taywan Taylor
|Wide receiver
|Western Kentucky
The NFL scouting combine invitations are out.
The chart at the top of this post is a list of Conference USA players who were selected.
Unfortunately, North Texas was passed over again this year. I am almost sure that Cody Spencer was the last player UNT had invited back after the 2003 season.
Spencer was also the last player UNT had selected. The Raiders took him in the sixth round in 2004.
Spencer went on to have a nice NFL career.
Just because a player is not invited to the combine does not mean that they will not be drafted, but it certainly doesn't help. Patrick Cobbs, Zach Orr and Craig Robertson all went on to have good NFL careers after starting out as undrafted free agents.
UNT does not have many highly regarded prospects this year. The fact UNT won five games and made a bowl without having a senior worthy of a combine invite makes what Seth Littrell did in his first year with the program all the more remarkable.
Louisiana Tech had three players selected to lead C-USA. The Bulldogs have had seven players drafted since 2013 and had a first-round pick last year in Vernon Butler. They have also won bowl games in each of the last three years.
There is usually a correlation between top NFL prospects and team success.
Western Kentucky might have the top overall prospect from C-USA this year in offensive lineman Forrest Lamp.
UNT will break through eventually. Kishawn McClain may have a shot next year.
And in a side note, it sounds like UNT is getting close to filling one of its two remaining openings for an assistant coach.
Stay tuned.


text:
Synthesis GORE-TEX Ski Mitten Women's, Black/Black, L$49.99 USD MSRP SHOWING: BLACK/BLACK
Please contact your nearby Spyder dealer to find this product in stock near you.
Product Information
Cold brutal days demand a mitt that's ready to fight. The Spyder Synthesis GORE-TEX Ski Mitten fights with a waterproof-breathable fabric GORE-TEX waterproof insert and 150g Thinsulate insulation. Its goat skin leather palm grabs and grips with a purpose. The over-cuff gauntlet and adjustable wrist strap create a tight fit to keep snow and wind out of your jacket sleeve. GORE-TEX waterproof/breathable membrane is GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOU DRY Polyester stretch material with Xt.L 150g Thinsulate synthetic insulation Micro-Bemberg brushed tricot lining is soft and warm against skin Water-resistant goat skin leather on the palm of glove Spylon DWR sheds water off the fabric surface Zippered pocket lets you add heater pack Over-the-cuff gauntlet slides over jacket cuffs to keep out snow Adjustable wrist strap for a secure fit Finger liners inside the mitten for added warmth ; Black/Black; L


text:
Designed for comfortable living and entertaining, this spacious home is situated on 1.42 acres in the gated community of Desert Summit in the Troon area of North Scottsdale.Expansive windows across the back of the home capture stunning views of Pinnacle Peak and amazing Arizona sunsets. From the resort-style backyard, savor panoramic views of Troon Mountain, Pinnacle Peak and the Continental Mountain Range.The open floor plan flows seamlessly from room to room. The heart of the home is the well-appointed kitchen with a large granite-topped island and breakfast bar that opens to the family room with a stacked stone fireplace and a casual dining (click on ''More'')
© 2017 Arizona Regional Multiple Listing Service, Inc. All rights reserved. All information should be verified by the recipient and none is guaranteed as accurate by ARMLS. Information deemed to be reliable but not guaranteed. Real estate listings held by brokerage firms other than are marked with the ARMLS logo and detailed information about them includes the name of the listing brokers. Listing broker has attempted to offer accurate data, but buyers are advised to confirm all items. Only IDX residential listings are displayed on this site. The information being provided is for consumers' personal, non-commercial use and may not be used for any purpose other than to identify perspective properties consumers may be interested in. This site will be monitored for 'scraping' and any use of search facilities of data on the site other than by potential buyers/sellers is prohibited. Information last updated on 2017-04-28.
Kelly Karbon
Arizona Best Real Estate
11333 North Scottsdale Road, Suite 100
Scottsdale, AZ 85254
Phone: 480-313-4952
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Consolidation in the UK: Online pet food retailer MedicAnimal buys rival Petmeds
- 0
MedicAnimal, the UK's largest e-retailer of pet food and healthcare supplies, today announced the acquisition of Petmeds.co.uk, a rival online store for animal medicines, food and grooming products.
Having raised £10 million (roughly $15.7 million today) in funding from Balderton Capital and Iris Capital back in May 2012, MedicAnimal says the acquisition is an important step towards its goal to become a European market leader.
Ever been to a tech festival?
TNW Conference won best European Event 2016 for our festival vibe. See what's in store for 2017.
Kickstarted in late 2007, London-based MedicAnimal claims it currently provides over 1.5 million customers with pet healthcare advice. The company operates as an online veterinary dispensary and projects revenues of over £55 million (approximately $86.3 million) for 2012.
As part of the agreement, Petmeds founder Ricky Thomas and his team will join the MedicAnimal staff. Post-acquisition, the combined company will employ almost 200 staff UK-wide.
According to a report from This Is Money, Thomas started Petmeds with £15,000 of savings in 2006, shunned banks for financing, still owned 83 percent of the business and will thus net "millions of pounds" as a result of the sale.
Read next: Video ad tech firm Videology bought Collider Media for at least $13.2 million


text:
Advanced Search
The Aug. 23 update to Windows 10 breaks PowerShell and should be avoided at the moment, according to Microsoft.
Classes extends the usefulness of PowerShell for both admins and devs.
Microsoft has expanded the features of its Azure Active Directory Identity Protection service and has made the preview available in Europe.
Microsoft says that some apps that were previously removed from Windows 10 may come back with the latest "anniversary update."
Microsoft last week released its first "developer preview" of the SharePoint Framework.
Microsoft today announced that PowerShell has entered the open source community and versions for both Linux and Mac are now available.
Try and catch blocks are designed to catch errors in your code, no matter the situation.
Microsoft will be using the same update model used in Windows 10 in its older supported OS.
Ahead of the planned Azure Stack push during the company's September Ignite conference, Microsoft is delving into some of the hardware nuances for the cloud stack.
Microsoft this week offered some guidance for organizations dealing with the coming demise of code-based sandbox support in SharePoint sites.
Microsoft is changing its client update scheme with its first major Windows 10 update.
GitHub provides you an easy way to store and test your useful code.
A Windows Server patch and manual install steps will be required to use SCCM with Windows 10 version 1607, which is also known as the "anniversary update."
Edge browser improvements arrived this week with the first major Windows 10 update.
Microsoft has released a ton of new documentations for those jumping into the company's first major update to Windows 10.
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Excerpted from my...Winter C Magazine advice column, Like Sisters
(click at the end to read the whole article)
How to be real with your buddy
the truth is a big semi truck that's crossing the center line. Sure,
you want to avoid it, but when that means driving off a cliff, you find
yourself thinking, "This is a tough spot." This month, we look at a few
instances of how facing the truth can make a friendship grow without
putting you in the hospital.
He doesn't need you to defend his honor or personal space. I want to ask about
the lush factor here, but I'll do what I normally do, and assume I'm right—alcohol was involved. This friendship needs to move to the light of day. If it doesn't hold up sober and one-on-one, then she is just an acquaintance.
Flirty McGee: Do you guys want to ride together to Jenny's party? I'll drive.
You: No, thanks. We might skip it.
FM: Well, that stinks. I want to hang out with you soon.
You: I could do lunch on Friday. Just the two of us?
FM: I'll check and e-mail you.
You: Sounds good.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
'Cause You Can Handle the Truth....the New LIKE SISTERS column from C Magazine
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Label Me Grateful
|through Dec. 11 at Live Arts, Charlottesville, VA
Do you remember the old label makers?
|i used to waste tons of ribbon on these things
On the outside of the box of the Barbies that I borrowed for my show, there is a black label that says "BARBIE BURDEN". White letters on black tape. I don't know why I'm the girl who got to borrow Barbie Burden's Barbies, but I am, and I use them every night. Then I forgot to thank her in the program. Then I remembered who else I forgot to thank. Then I thought of new people to thank because people keep helping me. It's always been that way with me. I don't know why I'm the girl that gets helped, but I am.
|photo by Holly Czuba
What's amazing is that I'm not good at asking for help. I'd rather whine and be a martyr. I'm good at accepting it, not asking for it, so I'm glad people are so damn perceptive and thoughtful, and that maybe passive-aggressiveness is never out of style.
If there's one thing I'm figuring out it's that there's no true "oneness" in a one-person show. It seems false to call it that these days, but I know some people don't like one-person shows, so I better leave it in the description as fair warning.
So here's an updated list...for now...and it's not everybody.
I think I should be making these people gingersnaps:
I think I should be making these people gingersnaps:
Bree Luck (who says that giving notes is a way of saying the show is in good shape...I love choppy talk like that...girlfriend, keep giving me notes)
All the people who have come out for this show (you're killing me)
Barbara Carswell (the former Barbie Burden)
Robert Jones and the Lee Street Theater (for giving me deadlines and the first opening night and the best front porch coffee ever)
Cindi Graham (who likes me best when I make Ken talk dirty)
Jim and Lucinda Epperson (who make it easy and important for me to stay in theatre)
Kate Bennis (who said, "I need more PYT." It was so true and so key)
Lance Stewart (for many things, but little things, too, like listening to podcasts and fixing the lights on my Volvo)
Kris Breton (who gave me the thumbs up and who calls me in the mornings)
Jen Downey (who reminded me of a line that I had cut near the end that she told me to put back in and turns out it is a VERY important line)
Jenny and David Robinson and Birch Studio (my first corporate sponsor...much better experience than my first kiss...for making my show the center of a good party)
Jenny and David Robinson and Birch Studio (my first corporate sponsor...much better experience than my first kiss...for making my show the center of a good party)
David Post (for being the first stranger to feel so strongly about the future of the show)
Hannah Breton (for insisting on seeing your aunt's play...and for playing with tarot cards with me)
Amy Houser (for calling for show updates in the middle of her scrapbooking class)
Doug Grissom (who wouldn't let me change the title when I was having a big, big stupid moment)
Slumber Party Girls (the ones in October but to the ones everywhere who get it)
Joy Tanksley (for long distance Nia love, support and Saturday essays)
Sara Holdren (for making a great poster for me and for coming to the show when she was sick)
Rick Anderson McCombs (for passionate quoting..."nutter butter, nutter butter...")
Rick Anderson McCombs (for passionate quoting..."nutter butter, nutter butter...")
Darryl Smith (who answers all my emails with "Right on!")
Phoebe Flaikos (for a new piece of old jewelry and a Benjamin)
Ronald Stewart (for reporting what he hears in the lobby and for making tech magic happen)
Christina Downey (for telling me that I look really cute when I'm melting down)
Jennifer Hoyt Tidwell (for mystery books in my mailbox and the big CLAW hookup)
Boomie Pedersen (who gave me the 2nd show and the sheets)
Carol Pedersen (for the long great chats on the way to the Hamner)
Patti Wray (who gave me the 3rd show...you see how this goes?)
Jenny Hubbard (who told me she was sure it was going to be a "wild ride" and who sparked a flurry of energy and change in the last two weeks of rehearsal)
The first lady (in Salisbury, NC) who asked about Jeff after the show (you prepared me)
Julie Hamberg (impressive hosting, and who talked me into a duct-taped stool that I now dearly love)
Matt Joslyn (who asked me to bring the show to Live Arts...I'm having SUCH a good time -- I owe you more than lunch)
Brad Savage (for letting me read a piece of the show on the radio)
Mary Burruss (for a review...one-people shows need these things...so do all shows)
Becky Donnelly (for crying throughout and putting a collagen mask in the mail to me)
Ashley and Sarah (for never forgetting to remind me about the time I rolled off the stage and broke my arm)
Katie Scarvey (for a long lunch and giving me a real chance to practice describing my show)
Christine Louise Hohlbaum and Psychology Today (for finding me interesting)
Katie Scarvey (for a long lunch and giving me a real chance to practice describing my show)
Christine Louise Hohlbaum and Psychology Today (for finding me interesting)
Corey Jo Lloyd (for feeling cheesy)
Gretchen Brantley, MD (who texted me that she was prescribing a nap)
Grady, Scott and Jeremiah (for making me feel important in the middle of a big show build)
Heather Higgins and others (who are sending my name to other theaters -- I can't track all your good deeds, but we are going to party people...somehow...your karma is rockin')
Martin Horn, Inc. (for looking the other way when I had to make out with Ken in your basement)
Mendy St. Ours (for wearing Barbie pants and asking more questions the next morning)
Catherine Dee (for knowing an improved striptease when she sees one)
Will Kerner (for Edinburgh dreams....I feel radically optimistic)
All those people who don't like one-person shows but who seem to be making a gracious exception in this case...your big-heartedness has not been missed
All the Facebook love and the repeat audience members (hello!!! it's trippy and special and cool)
All the emails (hmm...)
To the man who called the artistic director (and said, "That show is not about girls, it's about family!") Hell yeah.
The FBBC book club (you girls can rally, I'll tell you that!)
Margarite (my elderly neighbor who has no idea what I'm up to but who is excellent company at the dollar store)
So, get out your label maker and label me grateful.
Click here to learn more about Dirty Barbie and other girlhood tales.
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It's 1:30 in the morning but that's alright by me
You just waiting by the phone
I should give a little warning but I need the things I need
I'm not proud to need a hand but I just don't understand
So why should you come when I call?
I never say nothing at all
Why do I go when I go?
It's leaving me here alone
You oughta get out on your own
It's ain't necessarily a bad thing to believe the things I say
Cause you can make yourself feel good
You know it's not really a good thing to give everything to me
I'm just waiting for the show
Cause I've got no where to go
Why should you come when I call? - The Counting Crows
"I love you," she whispered into my ear. "Gott, Ich liebe Dich so sehr, Shinji."
Oh Kami, how I've wanted to hear those three words again for so long.
No. Not want, need.
I've needed to hear those words again; to let me know that someone actually does care about me and not only saying them out of mere kindness, to let me know that there's someone out there who needs me as much as I need them. Yet, I don't want to hear them from just any person. I need to hear them from her. From Asuka.
"I love you too, Asuka," I managed to respond after realising that this was real. "You don't know how long I've wanted to say that for," I breathed out, closing my eyes as I inhaled the sweet scent of her recently washed hair. It must be the new shampoo she bought a couple of days ago, because I don't recall either Misato or I having citrus as a fragrance.
"I've been wanting to tell you since Leliel's attack," she confessed adding a gentle giggle.
Opening my eyes once again I was rewarded with the sight of her beautiful features being highlighted by the silvery moonlight and with her hair swaying slightly from the wind that dared threatened to destroy this moment. I suddenly became ticklish for a minute when I felt her lips brush against my bare neck, but somehow I was able to restrain myself from laughing uncontrollably, I also somehow managed to crane my neck around hers to place soft, gentle kisses on the back of her neck.
She was obviously pleased with my actions because I could hear little moans escaping from her throat while her fingers slipped underneath my sweatshirt, almost tracing every inch of skin on my body. I couldn't help myself from shivering with pleasure, enjoying every second of her surprisingly gentle touches yet at the same time, pondering on how someone this loud, fierce & violent could also be so tender and loving at the same time.
"I've been wanting to tell you since I saved you from the volcano," I said, smirking at the acknowledgement that I had outdone her.
Asuka didn't seem to mind, I don't think, but she didn't give any sort of a reply. Instead, she begun to sing whilst also finding sudden interest with playing with my hair, one hand stroking the fine hairs from the back of my neck while the other lost itself the longish strands of dark-brown.
"It's really good to hear your voice saying my name... It sounds so sweet... Coming from the lips of an angel... Hearing those words, it makes me weak... And I never wanna say goodbye... But boy, you make it hard to be faithful... With the lips of an angel..."
"I thought you didn't like that song."
"I'll admit that it has a catchy beat to it, but nothing compares to 'She will be loved.'" I could feel her smiling before she nuzzled herself into my neck and let out a peaceful sigh. As I wrapped my arms around her smaller figure and placed my chin on the top of her head, I couldn't recall ever being this happier in my entire life.
"Asuka..." I started, my voice losing all its confidence from before. "Don't ever leave me," I pleaded, my grip instinctively tightening onto her, yet careful not bring any sort of harm. "Please don't."
"I'm sorry, Shinji," she said, suddenly pulling away from my embrace. Sadness reflecting in her electric-blue eyes as she continued, "But I have to leave. I have to go home."
"This is your home though!" came my objection. I could feel my eyes beginning to water from fear and frustration. "This is where you belong... with the stooges and Hikari and Misato and Pen Pen... and... and me..." I finished that last part quietly before hanging my head in defeat, several tears managed to escape from my closed eyelids and travelled down my cheeks. Despite enjoying the sensation of her hand against my cheek, I felt no actual joy when she brushed the tears away so quickly, like they meant nothing to her at all.
"You know that I have to leave, Shinji. There's nothing here for me... including you."
"What?!" I couldn't believe she just said that. I didn't want to believe that she had just said that.
"I can't be with a pathetic boy like you." All previous warmth I had felt from her before was now long gone and instead, replaced with an icy demeanor, one even colder than what Rei possessed as a fourteen year old.
"You don't mean that," but I was afraid that she did. Because if she did... I didn't want to think about it.
"Like hell I do!" Asuka growled, pulling herself out of my grip and putting as much physical distance between us as possible. "You're weak, Shinji Ikari! You're nothing but a broken little boy who can't even love himself! I have no interest for guys like you."
Hearing that was like a stab to the heart. Why was Asuka saying this? I thought she loved me! She said she did so why was she saying all of this now?!
"Please Asuka... I... I need you..." To my horror, I could feel my throat tighten against its own will, making it almost impossible for me not to stutter. "Don't leave me alone..." I wanted to scream it out but it turned into a whisper. "Don't abandon me..." I wheezed out. "I'm begging you," I finished, my plea turning into nothing more than a whimper.
I thought by taking a risk, showing her just how vulnerable I was without her love, by showing just how much I needed to hear her say "I love you" then she would maybe reveal her true self to me. Man, was I stupid for thinking that.
She looked at me with a blank expression almost disturbed me because I couldn't help but think just how such a lack of emotion could ruin such a beautiful face, in fact, she didn't even look like the Asuka I knew at all. Then she spoke, her voice cold and unfeeling, it almost brought tears to my eyes when she said that one word I dreaded the most.
A gasp was what woke me up. Forcing my eyes to open and search round the entire room for whom was responsible for the sudden sound until the panting that reached into my eardrums and my heaving chest, to which I realised that it was I, who was responsible for the gasp that claimed my slumber.
Falling back onto the mattress, nothing could be heard except for the continuous heavy pounding of my frightened heart. Dreams about her again...
Well that's just fucking fantastic!
Why does this always have to happen to me? Why do I always get punished for my deeds? Can't karma ever give me a damn break?! Thinking about I just said to myself, I couldn't help myself from letting out a humourless chuckle before saying, "Why do I keep doing this to myself?"
Of course I know the answer and it has nothing to do a higher being, it's just that I've decided to put the blame on someone else. Just like I always do. I know it's my fault that I've been having these dreams, but it doesn't mean that I want to. I keep trying to block thoughts of her out of my mind, yet she still manages to plague my dreams
Does my subconscious get a kick out of this? If it does then it appears to have a very sick obsession with it, because it's almost leaving me to the breaking point. Or maybe I am a masochist and just won't admit it to myself.
Either way, I'm clearly a very fucked up person.
Just keep running. Just keep running.
This was the mantra repeating inside my brain as I forced my body to continue jogging on the treadmill. I have to keep going. No, I need to keep going! Because if I don't then I've failed, I'll have been defeated by a mere machine and strangely, my pride won't allow that. How odd.
Keep going! Keep going! You're almost there, Shinji.
Am I though? Am I really? The ends seems so far away and every part of me feels exhausted. Can I actually reach it? Can't I just stop and call it a lose?
No. If you give up then everything Asuka ever said to you is true. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know that she was right.
But she wouldn't know. We haven't spoken in five years. I don't miss her. I'm glad she's gone. I never been better off.
Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Pretending that everything is alright when it isn't? You're falling apart but you don't seem to care.
But everything really is going fine. I've never been better. Just like I told Touji.
Shinji, it's okay to admit that something's wrong. No one's going to think any less of you.
Shut up, I don't care! Why should I?! No one cares about me anyway.
Wow, now why does that sound incredibly familiar? Oh that's right: you're sounding like you're fourteen years old again!
If I weren't busy running, I would've sighed.
I hate hearing those words even if they're only being played inside my mind, because they're like salt being rubbed into old wounds, agonising reminders of how I've barely changed over the years and not being able to mature into the man whom I had always hoped to be.
I wonder what Kaji would say if he saw me now with shoulder-length hair and an unshaved face. He probably would've smiled and given a small laugh. He maybe have even seen it as a compliment, yet... I can't delude myself with assumptions. I will never get to know how'd he react and it hurts a little to be reminded of that. Even more than receiving the news about Gendo's departure.
Two more minutes, Shinji. Then it'll be all over.
Words of encouragement are so rare for me to hear, even if they're only inside my head. I'm only use to hearing demands or shouting or screaming or taunts, not compliments or the words "You can do it." It's far easier to follow a command than achieving a goal.
How very deep and philosophical, Mr Ikari.
To my surprise, I noticed a woman: a little older than me- very attractive with dark hair & eyes- wink at me. I almost tripped over when I saw it, though I shouldn't have found it to be that shocking. It's not like it's the first time its has ever happened, lots of girls on campus have done it before, giving me that look to show that they were interested. Sometimes I accepted the offer, walking straight up to them and ask if they wanted to do something, other times I would just ignore it and walk onto my tutorial.
Today, I decided on choosing the latter.
As another minute passed and the treadmill let out a short beeping noise, I looked down to realise with great satisfaction that my time was up: I had completed my goal. I smirked, but it was only momentary before getting off the electronic contraption and moving to the men's showers. I walked straight past the woman without giving her a second glance.
She was probably disappointed, but I didn't feel guilty. Even if I had given her a chance, it would've just ended up the way it always does- her nursing a broken heart and trying to pick the remain of her self-respect whilst giving me an meaningless apology for the way things turned out.
Besides, she seems too nice to mess around with anyway.
"Every time we sleep together, I wake up in the morning alone."
I should have felt bad when Mana said that, or at least felt a little guilty everytime I did it to her, but I didn't and I don't think I ever will be. I'll admit that Mana isn't the first woman I've ever walked out on after having sex with them, actually I've done it so many times to so many women over the years that it's almost like some perverse sort of routine. Usually I would pretend that I'm sleeping while I wait for my current girlfriend to have fall asleep, before I would get dressed and leave their apartment.
"Kami, where do you go at 3:00 in the morning?"
By then I'll be wandering around the streets of Tokyo-3. I almost laugh at the irony of how I always manage to find myself back in the park, the one near Misato's place... the one where I last saw Sohryu. I would sometimes stay until the early hours of the morning, doing nothing in particular, just thinking.
I would think about my mother and how I must be looking more like her than father because I sure as hell don't have the some traits as him, except for his height and eyes. Then I would begin to wonder if I would still have been the person I am if I stayed with my teacher instead of piloting Eva, or how Rei feels living everyday with the acknowledgement that her genes were composed from traces of my mother's DNA inside Unit 01's entry plug.
Sometimes I would even ponder on whether or not my mother and the other souls residing within the Evangelions were truly resting now that they've been destroyed. After which I had done all that, I would then go back to my apartment and have a shower, scrubbing vigorously until my skin was raw and almost bleeding. Well at least until I had convinced myself that I had managed to rid myself of my sins from the night before.
Every woman that I've ever been with has been nothing but a convenient fill, something for me to take comfort in even if just for a little while. If I was told nearly ten years ago that I would've turned out to be exactly like Kaji- the ultimate ladies' man, then I would've probably passed out from shock.
I suppose apart of me should feel disgusted for using these innocent females for my own personal satisfaction but everytime I do so I just tell myself that they're using me just like I using them. I'll admit it's a horrible way to live your life; filled self-hatred and hollow joy, of seeking comfort in another person's warmth and licking each other's wounds, yet I can't bring myself to stop. The habit's grown onto me.
"Ikari?" Most people would not have heard it given how quiet the voice was, however, after being an Eva pilot for over seven months, I was accustomed to detecting the slightest of sounds. And knowing Rei for almost nine years, you become very quick to decipher the difference of sounds between the blue-haired female's voice and the wind.
"Coming!" I called out from the living room, doing finishing the touch-ups of tidying up before heading to the door. "Hey Rei," was the first thing to come out of my mouth when I opened the door.
"Good afternoon Ikari," she countered politely.
"Rei, how many times have I told you to just call me, Shinji?" I said somewhat bemusedly.
"I have lost count," Rei spoke in a monotone fashion, but I manage to notice that the corner of her lips were turned up slightly.
"Come in," moving to the side to let her enter. "So what's for lunch?" Though it wouldn't be anything involving meat, I knew that whatever she cooked would be delicious, it always is. Who would've thought that Rei Ayanami could cook?
"Your favourite." This time, she let out a proper smile.
"Thanks Rei, you don't know how much I needed this," I admitted sheepishly.
She did, however, she must've decided against acknowledging my comment. Instead, she walked into the kitchen and as I watched her open the three plastic tubs that contained our food and placed them individually into the microwave, I couldn't help from feeling a little awed. Somehow it reminded me just how much of a great mother that she would be one day.
But it certainly won't be for my children.
Touji once asked me why I had never asked her out one day, I may have been fifteen or something at the time, and I remember what went through my head as I thought of the reasons. I'll admit, I've always been attracted, after all, she had such a mysterious aura surrounding her... it was what made her real.
Just her sheer presence always made it easier for me to be myself, and she never made me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed when I told her my problems. Rei's one in a million, and now she's grown into an even more beautiful woman over the years, but that doesn't I'm love with her or anything. We're friends, yet we're not. We're not 100% biologically related, but she almost feels like a sister to me. Technically, we could date yet the thought feels wrong. Especially when considering that Gendo had been a father to her and treated her more like an offspring than he ever did with me.
"I have nothing else."
I used to feel jealous everytime I saw them together. "How come he'll talk to her but not me? What's she to him anyway?" I used to ask myself but after that night during Operation Yashima, I realised that she had far much less than me. So even though I still wanted to make a connection with my father, Rei would always have the one thing I could never have and I never hated her for it.
"It's not polite to stare," Rei spoke. While she had been focusing all her attention on the microwave as she said that, how she knew is still a mystery to me, but it instantly pulled me out of my thoughts.
I could feel my face flush with shame. "My bad," came out as I grabbed a beer from out of the fridge.
"Do you really have to drink that?" she said as I popped the can open.
I was surprised when she asked that and if I didn't know better, I would've thought that she almost looked upset to see the yellow metallic object nestling comfortably in my hand.
"I'm thirsty," was my only reply and I then took a massive gulp of brain-cell killing beverage.
She didn't respond. Instead, she took out the final plastic tub from out of the microwave and begun organising the food onto our plates. Not wanting her to do all the work, I grabbed two pairs of chopsticks from out of the drawer and poured water in the teapot which had been boiled prior to Rei's arrival. Neither of us spoke a single word while we focused on our tasks, or when we walked over to the kitchen table, but it was a comfortable silence.
"Thank you," was the first thing to come from Rei's mouth after I finished filling her cup with green tea.
"No worries," I replied and took another gulp of my beloved Yebisu. Well sort of... it took me a few seconds to realise that the can was empty. Trying to peer into it, I tried shaking it slightly to see if there was anything left only to find- much to my disappointment- nothing.
Instead of going for another one, I decided to eat anyway. "This is great, Rei!" I complimented with a mouthful of rice.
The blue-haired woman raised an eyebrow. Obviously she wasn't impressed with my current mannerisms, I think.
"So how's Panther?" I started, though I was trying my hardest not to laugh at the chosen name for her cat, but a chuckle managed to escape anyway.
"She's doing very well. Though I do not understand why you find her name so amusing." I was still chuckling as she said that.
"It's just that it's so random that you would name your pet after a member of its family."
"I don't see why it would be. Panther is a black cat. She reminded me of one," she reasoned. "And panthers are known to be quite powerful creatures."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But her explaining her reason of naming one black cat known as Panther, with such a flat tone and stoic expression... well fuck, think of me as an idiot, but damn if it isn't funny!
I'm not quite sure how long I laughed for but it must've been a while because I could soon feel my sides aching and I was close dealing with an extreme case of the hiccups, yet I couldn't help myself. In my blurry vision I was almost certain that I saw Rei smiling at me, or it could be my eyes playing tricks on me, who knows.
"Well," I started after managing to calm myself down, "it's good to hear that she's doing okay. I know you've been taking good care of her."
"If it weren't for your help, she would have never existed."
Now hearing that sent chills down my spine, removing the pleasant mood I was in prior. I'm sure many of you will probably wonder how Rei would've even come to possess a cat in the first place, it's a long story but I'll give you the short version, or at least to what I know.
Basically it all started during one stormy night; a fortnight after the dismissal of NERV, Rei was at home when she suddenly heard a scratching sound coming from her door. Of course, the sound continued until it eventually led the fourteen year old to become slightly irritated and more than interested at discovering the source, so after opening the door, Rei was more than surprised to find a stray cat sitting there.
At first she tried ridding the cat by, uh... talking to it. Then she tried scaring it (though she would not explain to me how), before finally giving in and allowed the cat in. The day after that she rung me and told me about the situation so I immediately went to the apartment and showed her how to take care of the creature.
I knew at the time that she had been reluctant to take on the responsibility, but I couldn't do it; Misato was struggling to find a way to pay the bills, Asuka was going back-and-forth to the hospital to deal with her own problems and I was still trying to deal with my depression, not to mention I was still finding it difficult to face her.
However, the next two months I noticed a change within Rei. She soon started becoming more talkative and smiled a lot more, she also named the cat, Neko. She finally found a purpose to her life apart from NERV and even told me that she wanted to go to university to do study on animal species. I was happy for her; that cat had been a blessing. Yet sadly, a week later Neko died due to illness, but before the creature passed away, the veterinarian taking care of it had discovered that she was pregnant and managed to deliver the only kitten Neko had managed to conceive. Its name: Panther.
I know that it had been hard for Rei to accept Neko's death, she had never experienced such a loss, but after the veterinarian asked her if she wanted to take the kitten with her, I knew that Rei was able to gain some closure by being given the responsibility for Panther.
I decided it was better if we dropped this conversation. "So what have you been up to lately?" changing the subject, I finally decided to go to the fridge for another beer.
"You drink more than Misato." She said, ignoring my question.
I wish she hadn't said that. It wasn't the words themselves that made my heart feel as though it were sinking with disappointment, but it was how she said them with that voice of hers. While it was expressed so softly and gently that it numbed you with comfort, you could feel the sadness laced into it. The feeling? Being driven to the brink of insanity and you can't help yourself from wanting to lash out.
Damn it! I thought irritably. I hate it when she makes out likes she's the victim! Even if she isn't intentionally doing it.
"So how's school?" I asked, sitting back down. I prayed that the blue-haired woman would oblige to my silent request.
"Unpleasant," she replied coldly. "Mana does not wish to talk to me right now."
Shit! Bad question, Shinji. Really bad question.
"So are you going to take-"
"Please stop avoiding the subject," Rei interrupted. Her eyes were pleading for me to talk to her, but I couldn't. Not with her. Not with anyone.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You don't want to talk to anyone." Though her face didn't show it, I could hear the hurt in her voice.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Then make me understand."
Am I having deja`vu or did I hear those exact same words said by Misato from only just yesterday?
"Look Rei," I started, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I know what you're going to say and I'd rather not hear, okay. Just drop the subject. Please."
Although I was looking at her with pleading eyes, she did not back down. "Why don't you want to talk about it with me? Don't you trust me?"
Goddamnit! She's done it again- making herself look like hurt little girl while making me feel like the bad guy. Why do you do this to me, Rei?!
"Of course I trust you, Rei," I replied evenly despite my frustration steadily increasing. "But it still doesn't mean that I want to talk about it."
Hearing that, the blue-haired woman gave no reply. I should've felt bad for shunning myself away from her, however, after having to put up with this kind of crap for five years now, you tend to get good at ignoring the guilt.
For the next fifteen minutes neither of us spoke a single word whilst we finished the rest of our lunch. Unfortunately, the silence hadn't been as comforting as it had been before and I was beginning to feel a little uneasy. So much so, I was even considering the idea apologising (despite how much I loathe it), until Rei decided to break the quiet revere.
"We will never be lovers."
Okay, now that certainly grabbed my attention.
"Or husband and wife," she continued, not bothering to notice the "What the fuck?!" look I was giving her. "Despite what I am, I am not her."
My face softened when I realised what she meant and a part of me felt disappointed. Believe me, I'm glad that she isn't biologically my mother, yet at the same time, something deep inside of me really wished that she was. How selfish of me, not to mention severely fucked up.
"Nor the First and the Second."
Despite the trace of sadness in her voice, Rei smiled a little before it disappeared and was replaced with anger? "I am merely called Rei Ayanami because I take on the form of her, but I'm not her. I'm neither of them, yet everyone thinks I am. So they treat me as if I were the First Child."
It must be hard for her having to deal with that everyday. It's especially worse when someone from the gang would bring up an event that had occurred during the days when Angels roamed the earth whilst the Evangelions were humanity's only salvation. Whether they be memories of joy, laughter or death, they always left the atmosphere feeling grim when everybody finally remembers that Rei is the only one who cannot recall any of those times.
Nearly nine years ago Professor Kouzou Fuyutski, Doctor Ritsuko Akagi, Major Misato Katsuragi and myself all made a silent vow between us that the origin of Rei Ayanami would forever remain as a secret and to never be spoken of again or revealed to anyone else- even from Asuka.
It only seemed the right thing to do after what that bastard did to her and the others. So to keep the secret hidden, we explained to everyone else that she had severe memory loss due to the explosion of Unit 00 and it was very unlikely that she would ever regain any of her memories again.
People were understanding of her condition and had even sometimes tried to revitalise them by recounting events of her days as an Eva pilot or showing her an item or photo from the past- hoping for a miracle. Only to have it be crushed when Rei would say the dreaded words, "I don't remember."
"I saw myself for the first time after I had been admitted back to the apartment." She resumed after remaining voiceless for several minutes, a thoughtful look apparent on her face during that time. "When I removed all the bandages and saw myself properly in the mirror for the first time, I felt like I was staring at someone else. This face isn't truly mine, yet I am to bear it. Then and now- until the day I die."
Hearing that really did surprise me. Though each Rei has always looked the exact same, it never actually occurred to me just how it would affect the present Rei now; I simply assumed that she accepted who she was and that it didn't bother her the slightest. It never hit me until now that she may have hated being forced to see herself each morning- another selfish assumption I can now add to the list.
"When I saw his glasses on the desk, I knew straight away that they were his. I'm still uncertain how I knew, but something told me that he was responsible for this."
Unfortunately I was no longer able to read the expression on her face (or at least try to) as it was soon curtained by fine strands of icy-blue hair, which had grown to an incredible length over the years and now almost reached to her waist.
"I..." Her voice seemed so distant, even a little confused. "I tried crushing them with my hands, but the thing inside of me that wished to rid those glasses also wanted to stop. I cried. Though I didn't know why- it didn't feel like it had been my first time. It made me feel like a real human being- I could understand what it was to feel sadness. But now, I realise that I was crying someone else's tears."
Raising her head back up I could see the glimmer of tears building up in her ruby-like eyes. I really wished that I had known what to say at that time, but I had been so stunned by such a display of sadness, that I was at a complete loss for words.
"There are moments that I'll have glimpses of past. Feelings and sensations I do not recall ever having, yet I'm almost certain that they are memories which I've simply locked away inside my mind. I try searching through the deepest, innermost depths of my heart- trying to search for my answer. It is a place so dark that you can't see your hand in front of your face, until eventually I find what I'm looking for. And I remember that they're aren't mine."
"Rei..." I was stunned.
"I'll never get to be one of those people who will remember their first day at school, or recall the dreams they have each night." She said as if she were in a trance and completely unaware of the sympathetic look my eyes were reflecting. "However, I'll always remember the first time that I cried. And that's enough for me."
While I couldn't help myself from feeling sorry for the blue-haired woman, another part of me wondered how the hell this had to do with us never being lovers.
As if she could read my thoughts, Rei continued, "Despite what I am and what I am not, you have still treated me with kindness and generosity." She paused for the briefest of moments, looking as though she were having a epiphany, or maybe remembering something. "You made me feel like I didn't have to be made out of straw."
For some reason saying that brought a smile upon her lips and reached all the way to her eyes, however, like the blink of the eye, it instantly vanished. Yet unusually, a faint blush swept across her pale cheeks. "Though I am still unsure what love is, I'm certain that I do love you. But I know that the love I have for you is not the kind shared between a man and a woman, yet not of a mother. It is more like of a sister."
"I feel the exact same way," I said, grateful that I was finally able to contribute something to this parley other than looking like an idiot.
Her smile returned. "I'm glad." And once again it went away and was replaced with an almost bitter look. "Yet you are still avoiding the truth."
Sighing out loud, I regrettably knew where she was getting at. If I was stronger I would've continued to dodge the bullet and kept the conversation light as possible (whilst praying to whoever is in charge of my fate) until Rei would finally realise the time and then leave.
Unfortunately for me, I couldn't hide my heart anymore from human reach.
"Forgive me, Rei." I started with my head hung low. I had never felt so ashamed of myself. "All I've ever done is piss & moan about my life but you've never once complained about your own. You have so much less than I do... It's like the saying goes: Regardless of how terrible your life may be, there's always someone much worse off than you. Yet despite all the pain you've gone through, you've still had the compassion to worry about me!"
And she's never asked for anything in return- except for your trust.
It only seemed right to allow her to get a glimpse inside my heart. After all, she did let me get a glimpse into hers and I know that it hadn't been one of the easiest things for her to do. Besides she deserved to know, because even if the circumstances have changed a lot since we were children, she still has far much than I do.
"I... I am..."
The words were stuck inside my throat, I couldn't get them out. My heart, mind & soul wanted to nothing more than to let them out, to let them be heard by Rei, yet my pride wouldn't allow such a weakness to occur. Goddamnit, they were so hard!
"But most importantly: Apologise when you know you were wrong. Don't ever think saying "I'm sorry" is a weakness, Shinji. It takes a lot of bravery to admit to someone that you were wrong and then ask for forgiveness. But don't say it unless you actually mean it."
Words of wisdom. Words of one Kouzou Fuyutski who had currently decided to remind me of the significance of his self principles. They may have been said only less than twenty-four hours before, but already they were having a profound impact on my life. Goddamnit.
Come on, Ikari. My mind edged. Say it!
"I'm sorry." I was finally able to blurt out.
Rei was stupefied, that was for sure, however, I had to keep going or else I'd never have the courage to talk about this again. "I shouldn't have pushed you away like I have these past few years. Not you of all people. You're one of my best friends, but I sure haven't as Hell shown it. It's just that..."
Biting my pride and with (almost) gritted teeth, I confessed: "After Asuka left, my heart felt as though it had been ripped out of my chest and thrown to the fucking ground! I mean what right did that self-centered, cold hearted, arrogant bitch think she had to just leave like that?! No fucking mention, or note, or good-bye. Jack-fucking-squat!"
Although Rei highly disapproved of swearing, she still listened to it without any complaints, or objections. While I was extremely grateful for her ability to sweep things aside and focus on the main issue, I couldn't help from cringing at the level of cussing I had been using at that point and I even felt a little guilty about it.
"Didn't she care, Rei?" I found myself almost yelling. "Or did she just see me as some fucking play thing she could toy with and torture and abuse for fucking four years and then decide to drop and forget about me so easily?!"
I'm really sorry, Rei. My heart cried gently. But you wanted to know the truth.
"I didn't have to care about her, I didn't have to even acknowledge her! I could've just moved out of Misato's and gone back to the country, but I didn't. I stayed with her and put up with all of her emotional shit, but what did I get for it? Nothing! I hate her! And I'll never forgive her." Finishing off with a growl, I could feel my entire body tremble with rage.
Even at thousands of kilometres away, that narcissistic bitch is still able to get me worked up!
I said nothing for a while, being too pissed off to think about anything else except for going over what I just said. So much so that I didn't even bother to notice Rei's expression as she replied, saying something that shook me to the core.
"No. You don't."
My head snapped up from hearing that; fear and confusion freely naked in my eyes, completely powerless to avoid those inquisitive eyes of ruby red. She continued as if she couldn't see my silent begging to stop. "I do not believe you are capable of hating another human being, even for your father. You may feel great resentment towards Sohryu and pain, but you do not hate her. I know that you care for her deeply, even though she has hurt you deeply."
"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!" I found myself standing after banging my fist against the table as I yelled at her.
In spite of my violent outburst, the blue-haired woman remained poised. Christ, she didn't even blink! Instead, she resumed speaking with a calm & even voice. Damn her. "I know that you still listen to the red Sdat tape she had given to you."
I gasped in shock. How did she find out?
The tape had been given to me as a gift a couple of months after I turned fifteen; it was basically a mix of all greatest songs by the string quartet group, Bond. When I asked her the reason for such a kind gesture she simply rolled her eyes and called me uptight for wanting an answer before finally replying that it was a late birthday present- nothing more. Yet her reason didn't justify my suspicions but I decided to drop the subject and be grateful for her thoughtfulness.
"You have also kept several photos of you and her together, but you have hidden them to prevent yourself from being hurt furthermore. And..." she paused, looking as if she didn't want to step over the boundary any further. "I know that you were going to ask her to the Senior formal."
Ouch! Now that hurt.
Thank you, Rei Ayanami, I thought bitterly as I diverted my gaze to the wooden floors of my kitchen. You've just opened another can of Shinji Ikari's famous home-made dead worms, created with the finest ingredients of hurt, misery and inability to let go. Warning: Contains high levels of alcohol & may cause severe depression! Not suitable for children, pregnant women or people with a medical condition.
Seeing my vulnerable form, Rei must've felt pity for me because the only thing I heard for the next thirty seconds was the echo of nothingness until the sound of gentle thud soon tapped my eardrums. Grabbing my attention, I looked up to the source and was surprised to find a can of Yebisu sitting right in front of me.
The ex-First Child nodded to me as a silently encouragement, though I could see the disappointment in her eyes.
For a few moments I looked at her, briefly wondering if this was some sort of a test. While the guilty part of me didn't want to scull the entire beverage in front of my friend, the rest of me said, "Screw that!" and go for it. Good enough, I reasoned before popping the lid open and draining its entire content within a matter of seconds.
"YEE-HA!" was my war cry as I slammed the empty can against the table. Damn, I've inherited Misato's annoying habit! Kami, what else have I picked up from her over the years?
"Now I understand."
"Hmm?" I said, partially wondering what she meant.
"I have to go now," she announced, rising up from her seat.
"What?" I asked, turning my head around to look up at the clock behind me. 1:52 P.M. it said- barely an hour since she arrived! "You have to leave now? It's Saturday." Although she had been charting into forbidden waters before, I was still disappointed to see her leaving.
"I'm sorry, Shinji." Rei apologised whilst bowing deeply in respect. "However, I have something important to attend to. Thank you for allowing me to visit."
"No problem, Rei. You're always welcome here." I'm all alone anyway, but I'll never admit that to her.
"I'll clean the containers and give them to you the next time I see you." I added after walking with her to the door.
"I'd appreciate that," she thanked.
Sliding open the front door, I leant against the metallic door frame as support; staring at a partial of clear blue sky that wasn't being blocked by concrete or railing.
"I'll see you later," my companion said after doing up the zips of her tan knee-high boots.
"See ya," giving a short wave and then watched her walked away. However, for some reason she stopped and turned around to face me. "Is something wrong?" I found myself asking.
"No." She replied, shaking her head in response. "I just wanted you to know that... it's true; there will always be someone else out there worse off than you, but it does not mean that your own pain doesn't count."
"Thank you, Rei. I'll remember that."
A swift nod and a short smile were present before the blue-haired female added, "Also... I hope you know that you are alone."
"What?" How did Rei know? "What do you mean?" Could she read me that easily?
"I said: "You are not alone."" Rei repeated, shooting me with a look of concern. "What did you think I said?"
"Oh, nothing!" came out as a nervous laugh as I tried to cover up my blunder. "Take care of yourself and Panther."
"I will. Good-bye."
Though Rei was already gone I still remained in my spot, just thinking. Nothing in particular (the alcohol saw to that) except I couldn't help but think about what Rei had said earlier.
"You are not alone."
I really wish I could believe that, but I can't delude myself with foolish hopes as I may have as a child. I know that I'll never truly find happiness or find peace with myself or ever be able to rid myself of my inner demons, but it's okay- really.
Sometimes it sucks trying to accept it and I've even during my weakest moments, have wished that I could scorn my mother for being so caring and self-righteous and deciding to sacrifice herself for my sake rather than let the future be bleak. Yet eventually during this mulling, I'll eventually manage to find a way of looking on the brighter side; that silver lining from a cloud which almost seems too bleak and distant to find anything positive about it.
"Well," I started with a pathetic chuckle. "At least I'm not afraid anymore." Though I'm not sure why I even bothered saying that. Who was I trying to convince, anyway?
"If you are told this is so, then you will believe this is so."
AN: Alright now how many of you want to kill me right now for taking WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too long to update? Please raise your hands (Water-Star included) - wow, that many!
I'd like to apologise for updating so late when you're all probably sick of waiting, but I hope you'll keep reading despite how lazy and unmotivated I am. (Also, I'm more in a Death Note mood above everything else.) *Shakes head* Will I ever complete my fanfics?
Again, I want to thank you all for always reading, reviewing and telling me where I can improve as a writer. Until the next time, Water-Star.


text:
Music in Review
By BERNARD HOLLAND
Published: August 24, 1991
Mostly Mozart Festival Orchestra Avery Fisher Hall
Most of Mostly Mozart's orchestra concert at Avery Fisher Hall on Wednesday night seemed either in a big hurry or almost too willing to take its time. Gerard Schwarz conducted a bruising Overture to "The Marriage of Figaro," articulating smaller note values that many others blur and applying brisk speeds and tough-minded accentuation everywhere.
More of "Figaro" in this all-Mozart program came from the mezzo-soprano Jane Bunnell. "Voi che sapete" was reasonably done, but Ms. Bunnell's flying tempos in "Non so piu cosa son" ended, I am afraid, in a hectic mess, one that confused Mozart's music in the listener's ear and confounded Mr. Schwarz and his players in their attempts to keep up.
Cecile Licad, the piano soloist in the E-flat Concerto (K. 449), made a race of the first movement as well. Fortunately, she had the technique and self-possession to keep everything in place. The Andantino was gracefully and respectfully done. As a pianistic coup, the pianissimo playing at the end of it was admirable, though I wish I could have been more moved by it.
The rest of the evening went to the unfinished C-minor Mass, a torso filled with wondrous harmonic density and vocal pitfalls. Mr. Schwarz took the first Kyrie very, very slowly, a precedent that created quite a challenge when Dawn Kotoski had to sustain his tempo in the Christe eleison that follows. Ms. Kotoski, who also sang Mozart's beautiful Sanctus, has a finely focused soprano that does not penetrate this hall that well. Ms. Bunnell reappeared in the Laudamus te, negotiating rather than mastering its fierceness. She is probably a better singer in other venues, but both here and in the Quoniam duet she did not seem a comfortable Mozartean.
The Mostly Mozart Festival Chorus responded to Mr. Schwarz's blunt assertiveness enthusiastically and alertly. The male soloists were Gran Wilson and Jake Gardner.