text:
Hey America: @BustertheBeagle really could use your help
The fact that I saw the tweet was a surprise. It was in my "Home" stream, one that I rarely check anymore. I spend the bulk of what little time I have for Twitter checking my Sports Media, Kaufer Favorites or Go Ducks lists. But I had a little time to kill while waiting for my parent-teacher conference to begin (the teacher was running late).
"This is important – please read and RT" the tweet read. It was from a Twitter handle I recognized but had not seen for some time: @BustertheBeagle. I remembered that the person behind these tweets is a single mom who had a daughter on the Autism spectrum. We have followed each other for years and she is in my "Autism" list. She tweets consistently – often about dog facts or trivia: "Keep the water flowing. Routinely check your pet's water dish to make certain the water is fresh and unfrozen. #pet #dog #cat #animal" is an example of a typical tweet.
The tweet I saw this day included a link so I clicked on it (even though I usually avoid cryptic links on Twitter). It took me to a GoFundMe page that includes a picture of Bonnie and her daughter Abby.
"Help with low income housing" reads the headline.
The opening paragraph immediately touched my heart:
"We need funds to purchase a unit in a low income housing cooperative and moving money. My name is Benita (Bonnie to my friends). I have a 16 year old with autism. I am on disability myself. Sometimes there are things far more important than your own pride. I am putting my belief to the test that there are still people who are outgoing and gracious when an individual needs assistance. I live in poverty. I'm the individual that you know exists but remains invisible to the general population. I am humbly asking for your assistance in helping us rise above the constant struggle of living in poverty. My Paypal address is: email@example.com. (I sell what I can on Etsy, thus the name)."
"Most of you will probably not read any further. I agree it is an uncomfortable subject to discuss."
She is right – it is uncomfortable subject. One as Americans it seems we rarely discuss anymore. How do we help those among us who clearly need help?
Bonnie goes on to eloquently explain why and how she has had to turn to a crowd raising site like GoFundMe for money to help her family.
"I did not just become poor. It evolved slowly over a period of time. It wasn't just one or two problems in life but a whole pile of them. I was gainfully employed for 30 years and then an unfortunate chain of events lead to my becoming disabled. I'm a Type A personality and a workaholic, so accepting that I was disabled has been extremely hard for me. Living on a disability check each month is not for the faint at heart. I also am a single parent of a daughter with autism and other special needs. Statistically, single mothers have an especially hard time getting out of poverty. Households headed by single mothers are four times as likely to be poor as are families headed by married couples. Did you know that children who grow up in poor families are far more likely to become poor adults? As a single mother, I rely on a network of support – disability check each month, friends (none locally), personal drive, ambition and a will to stay afloat. I don't want this to be my entire life. I'm working hard each and every single day to make sure that my daughter eats, does her school work and feels loved. I'm trying to be the role model for my daughter on how to make her life what she wants it to be, how to achieve her own goals, how not to give up when it's so hard that you have no choice but to ask for help.
Poverty also means isolation and when you have a special needs child, sometimes you are alone in the world to deal with all the problems. When an individual is poor, you are not just deficient in monetary funds but you are poor in every avenue: emotionally, support wise and family wise. While individuals today might have TVs and cellphones, they can be more disconnected than ever — from neighbors, work, family, all of the social networks that help people through life. I have no family or friends around me. What friends I did have, could not handle my status of poverty. I had no money to do things with them and little opportunities away from my daughter. My faithful friends consist of a handful of individuals which I have never met in person but communicate via the worldwide web. They may not know it, but they have been my strength and stronghold when I had none. I owe them everything. "
I know that there are probably those who will read Bonnie's plight and think that it might be some kind of scam. It's very easy to become jaded and cynical after seeing or hearing about "news" stories exposing pan-handlers, non-profits and others who have taken advantage of the generous nature of individuals.
Nobody wants to feel burned. But I truly believe that this is a case where there is a real need for a real family.
I also know that in America, there can be an attitude among many that most poor people are poor because they "deserve" to be poor. There is a saying that for most Americans, we're just a few lost paychecks away from financial disaster and poverty. What happens when a provider for a child (especially a special needs child) becomes disabled and is unable to work full-time? Or if she/he can only work part-time, but can't afford child-care?
I Retweeted her tweet and added a comment that it takes a strong woman to reach out and ask for help so publicly. I immediately received a Direct Message from Bonnie thanking me. Her message made me cry.
"You reduced me to tears and that is not something that happens to me frequently. I appreciate your kind comments that it took a "strong" woman to write. It took me an entire day to write down our circumstances. After each sentence, I had to get up and walk away. I had to swallow my pride and put our story out there. When I say I'm isolated, that is the truth. It is just Abby and I. We have no friends left, no family and have explored every avenue to find a solution. I only have my Twitter friends and limited Facebook friends to help get the word out. Yesterday, I found out that Section 8 has a 4 year waiting list. We need to move from this neighborhood. Over the weekend a group of individuals brought baseball bats and attempted to break into the house next to me. Five police cars later and a large amount of tense moments further convinced me we absolutely have to get out of here. Today, two houses down an individual was brought outside and handcuffed and taken off. Abby sees and while she doesn't want to move (out of her routine), even she said that we got to get out of here. So, I have given you the long story. In short, no one wants to contribute to someone dealing with poverty. I have noticed that unless I have an incurable disease, a house fire or an animal in need of medical attention, chances are we will never raise the money. I haven't lost faith in humanity though. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. I'm all ears and will do what it takes to help us move out of this neighborhood into safe and affordable housing. Blessings to you and your household for taking the time to tweet about our fundraiser. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Bonnie"
I responded: "I'm just so sorry that you have had to deal with so much. It's an example of how unfair life can be and it makes me so incredibly sad. You are doing your best. You are trying to raise children safely. You are trying to provide for special needs kids. You are so brave and so strong to keep up what you do day after day. Don't ever forget that. I will do what I can to help continue to raise visibility and exposure to your story. Its a story that shouldn't exist in our country and it makes my blood boil. I hope and pray that the additional visibility provides the assistance I know you don't want to have to accept but need right now to get into a better place. Please give Abby (and Buster) a hug for me and hang in there."
And so that's exactly what I'm trying to do with this blog post and my social media accounts. I want to share Bonnie and Abby's plight and raise visibility as best as I can. Please take a few moments to read her post – and especially her wish list. These are what most of us consider very basic items: a toilet paper roll holder, scissors for her crafts and 9-volt batteries for smoke detectors are just a few examples. Even if you don't have extra money to donate and help Bonnie move, there are other ways you can help make life a little easier her her and Abby. Perhaps you work for a store or company that has damaged goods that can be sent to her. Or maybe you just have a few extra items in your house you're willing to send? I have no doubt that every dollar – and item – will be truly appreciated and put to good use.
I want to believe that in today's America, there still exists a fundamental spirit of community and generosity that can help those who need it the most. For me this is mostly an existential belief that I want to see fulfilled. But for people such as Bonnie and Abby, this is essential to their daily existence.
I truly hope their faith is rewarded and they get their basic needs met so they can move forward in a safer and more productive environment. Let's help her America.
Closing a chapter
A chapter was closed Thursday – nearly eight months to the day after George was killed in his cycling accident – when the District Attorney called my Dad and sister-in-law to announce that the driver of the car accepted a plea bargain. She will plead guilty and will
participate in a 30 day alternative work program (in lieu of jail time served). She must also perform 200 community hours, serve 3 years probation and pay restitution fees. I'm still waiting to see all of the final details of the sentencing but at this point its just a formality. There will be no trial nor any final/formal sentencing date when we would see the driver – and she would have to face the family whose lives she forever changed on May 5, 2015.
Chip Kelly to USC? I hope not!
Chip Kelly to USC? I guess it could happen. Chip seems like he'd hate LA and all expectations that would come from Trojans boosters. Word out of Eugene was that this was the part of the job he disliked most. He was able to get away with keeping (most) boosters at arm's length because of his success. Would USC's boosters be as forgiving and accommodating? I don't know.
But I could also see the appeal to the USC job if the Eagles season collapses. Chip could be seen as a savior of one of the greatest football programs in the country can have a chance to pull a Nick Saban (leave the NFL for a CFB powerhouse). As a Duck I'd absolutely hate it – but any other college football fan would love it. Imagine what Chip could do with the level of recruits that gravitate to USC?? Yikes.
Keeping sportsmanship alive
This week the sports media world has been abuzz about an atrocious act of violence during a San Antonio high school football game when two players blindsided an official. While the investigation into that incident continues, and we collectively shake our heads about the lack of sportsmanship displayed, it's important to remember that there are lots of kids out there demonstrating sportsmanship.
This video is a couple years old now, but I don't think the story ever gets old. Every time I watch it I get tears in my eyes – realizing there are good people (and teens) out there looking out for our developmentally disabled kids.
Related articles across the web
Saying goodbye to Aida
As we go through life, we have the opportunity to meet, interact, work and in some cases live with an amazing variety of people. Many – if not most – fade from your memory, into mental obscurity, unless there is an event or reminder that brings their memory back.
But there is that unique minority who you remember no matter how much time passes, or how long they were directly in your life.
Last week I was saddened to learn that my old college roommate Aida passed away. She was way too young and it's another terrible reminder about the ravaging impact mental illness can have on a person.
I first met Aida in Clark Hall – the co-ed dorm I lived during my junior year at University of Oregon. Originally from the tiny Eastern Oregon town of Burns, Aida was paired with Anna, another freshman who hailed from Wisconsin. Pretty much instantly the legend of Aida and Anna was born. I honestly don't know where to begin in trying to describe them. They were two fun and funny girls who weren't afraid of pulling pranks or pushing the envelope. So naturally I got along famously with both of them.
As that school year wound down and we all were trying to decide where to live, we agreed on a still somewhat unconventional idea in 1986 – we would share an apartment and be roommates.
Aida paid her own way through college (and eventually through law school as well). She did it the hard way – working for the Forestry Service fighting fires during the summer. Before my senior year I found myself without a job after unexpectedly getting laid off from a landscaping job. I remember calling Aida and lamenting my position and she matter-of-factly told me "Dave, it doesn't matter what kind of job you get, just do whatever it takes to earn some money. Pump gas if that's what it takes." A week later I did just that – I spent the final 7 weeks of summer working at a Union 76 station in Portland pumping gas.
My Senior year was memorable in so many ways. I've been asked by friends to pick my favorite Aida memory and I honestly can't – there are too many to choose from. As Anna reminded me when she informed me of Aida's passing last week, Aida truly had a larger than life personality. If you were anywhere near her, it was impossible to ignore her.
I loved and admired Aida's ambition and drive. As much fun (and drinking) that we did that year living together, we also all pushed each other academically. I had a (fairly) strict rule of studying Sunday through Thursday – and then releasing that pent-up college energy on Friday and Saturday nights. Years later Aida thanked me and told me that this discipline helped her throughout college and law school. I was deeply flattered.
Where do I start with the memories? Given our living arrangement we naturally called ourselves Jack, Janet and Chrissy – after the 3's Company characters. We even called the apartment manager Furley. We had "family meetings" once a week when we would talk about anything that bothered us – and gave us an outlet to air frustrations. Looking back, it was a pretty mature approach for a 21 year old and two 19 year olds.
If I had to pick one favorite memory, it would probably be Christmas of that year. We decorated the Christmas tree in our own unique way – the angel on top of the tree had her hair spiked like Billy Idol thanks to mousse we decided to apply. It was in preparation for a holiday party we hosted that included other friends from Clark Hall – Kelly and Cami (who were themselves roommates and would go on to be roommates the following year with Aida and Anna after my graduation). It was a night filled with many laughs and lots of beer and wine.
As I mentioned earlier, Aida earned her degree from UO and went on to Law School and passed the Bar in the state of Arizona where she settled with a husband (at the time). She set up a successful law practice and produced three beautiful daughters over the years. I lost touch with Aida for a chunk of time but it seems that somewhere along the line something changed and at some point we lost the Aida we knew and loved during our college years.
In 2012 we decided to have a mini-reunion here in Seattle around the Ducks-WSU football game. Kelly and Cami took the train from Oregon and Aida flew to town with her daughters for the weekend. Unfortunately Anna wasn't able to join us. We met Friday night at Buca di Beppo for dinner and I remember seeing the glimmer in Aida's eyes when I walked into the restaurant and we saw each other. We hugged tightly and she introduced me to her daughters. Before I knew it we were back in UO mode – Aida entertaining us with stories as only should tell them. I laughed so hard I cried. We got to experience the good Aida that night.
The next day it was a different story. We met for lunch and Aida wasn't the same person. She was saying things that didn't quite make sense. What started as a celebration soon became a concern as we witnessed her behavior and emotions changing rapidly and unpredictably. While we were able to enjoy the game together, there was an air of uncertainty and concern when the weekend ended. It was clear that Aida had some issues and we collectively worried about both her and her daughters.
Ultimately there was little anyone could do to help Aida. And its a damn shame. When I think about Aida I will remember the young woman I knew in college – full of ambition, hope and life. Someone who was smart, beautiful and funnier than hell. Those of us who knew her then know that we lost that person awhile ago but it doesn't make last week's event or news any less sad.
My thoughts and prayers go out to her family – especially those beautiful daughters. I hope they carry the best of what Aida had to offer and share it with the world in the years ahead.
Rest in peace Aida.
Celebrating George's Life and Saying Goodbye
It wasn't a bad dream. There was no nightmare to wake up from. It is all real. So very real. Today and tonight was an opportunity those of us who were George's friends and family to gather and celebrate his life, and all that he brought to those he touched.
I can't say enough how incredible the outpouring of love has been for George and his family, both immediate and extended. I have no doubt in my mind that he felt this love – although I seriously doubt he ever truly realized the impact he had on so very many people in his life.
My day started with a quiet 6 mile run along the Iron Horse trail, which was one of George's favorites for running and bike riding as well. I ran with no music or app – just me and the path, silently reflecting upon life and running through my mind the speech I had written for his celebration of life service that was to be held at 5 pm.
Cathy and Janelle invited me yesterday on a short hike up and down the hills behind their home this morning – another favorite of George's. We walked and talked together, taking advantage of the rare opportunity to have together time with no outside distractions or demands.
We also planned to meet for lunch today at George's favorite Danville brewpub, Pete's Brass rail and carwash. One of the original East Bay brewpubs, Pete's was where George loved to eat and especially drink beer. He was an original member of the beer club, and collected more than 600 beers on his Connoiseeur's Club card over the years. It was a fitting tribute to George as more than 25 friends and family members enjoyed a final burger and beer in his honor. George had talked Paul and I into joining the beer club when we moved to the Bay Area in 1998. But with him gone, we agreed there was no reason to keep our cards and we brought them home, while George's epic card stayed with Cathy and the girls.
The celebration of life service began at 5 pm at the family's church, East Bay Foursquare – no more than two miles from their home. It was touching and comforting to see so many faces from the past arrive to pay their respect. Friends drove from Southern California and all over the state and one relative flew in from Vancouver Island just to be with us and celebrate George's life.
The service and speeches were beautiful. I was so very proud of my nieces Janelle and Megan (May) when it was their turn to speak. We all knew how emotional and difficult it would be for them but they rose to the occasion and blew us all away with their funny, emotional and honest memories of their father. Paul and I were provided the opportunity to speak as well, and again I was so very proud as I listened to Paul eloquently and passionately explain the impact George had on his life as the "baby" of the family. When it was my turn to speak, a flood of emotions rushed over me as I first opened my mouth and my voice quivered. I paused and after a few moments of feeling choked up, was able to slowly begin my speech.
After the service, a reception was held providing us with an opportunity to visit and socialize with many of the guests (more than 400 attended the service). It was touching how many strangers approached me to share their relationship with George – and explain how much he meant to them.
As I sit here in my hotel room I feel emotionally drained and exhausted. Our world was forever rocked Tuesday night when we all learned the news about George's accident and passing.
Tomorrow we'll all be leaving and beginning to try to return to our lives and routines. It's going to be a difficult journey for all of us but I also know that this experience has pulled together two families like never before and we're going to be a bigger part in each other's lives moving forward.
Here is a transcript of the speech I gave in celebration of George's life:
It's an incredible honor to speak to you all today about George. I know I speak for my entire family when I say thank you for your outpouring of support, love and sharing of your memories of George and how he touched and impacted so many lives.
In some ways, George and I were opposites. He was a baby boomer. I was Generation X. He got married in his young 20s, I waited until I was in my 30s. My wife is 5'10, Cathy is well, you know. He had two daughters. I had twin sons. You get the idea.
But despite our differences there was always one constant: we were family first. And George never ever forgot that – nor let me forget it.
Like all of us here, George grew, evolved and changed as his life progressed. The man he was at 55 was obviously very different from the child and teen we knew growing up.
Growing up George was the ultimate big brother. He protected and stuck up for us younger siblings early and often.
When I was a young child I decided I would try driving our station wagon. I climbed into the car and put the gear into reverse. We lived on a hill and the car started rolling backwards. George had been playing nearby and sprung into action. He jumped into the drivers seat hit the brake and put the gear into park – preventing what could have been a bad situation. He was 12.
I was probably around the same age when our family took our first trip to Disneyland. Brer Wolf took my stocking hat off my head and teased me by dangling it just high enough so I could't grab it. What did George do? He went over and punched the costumed character right in the gut. I got my hat back.
George loved cars as a teen. And I mean LOVED them. To this day, he's still the only person I know who saved enough money to buy a car before he had his driver's license. He had some pretty sweet rides too. Everyone who lived on Cassena Drive and neighboring streets remember his GTO and especially his Cuda. In the Summer when Paul and I slept with our window open, he would wake us up starting that engine and we would hear him driving to work in the mornings when had to open McDonald's – until he was miles away and on the other side of the hill on Ygnacio Valley Blvd.
BTW, it was no coincidence that one of his favorite songs was "I can't drive 55" by Sammy Hagar.
Speaking of music – George introduced me and the rest of the family to a LOT of 70s rock. He didn't just have a record player in his room – no, he bought a full blown stereo system that he wasn't afraid to use to its fullest capacity. I can't tell you how many times I had "Smoke on the water" stuck in my ear thanks to George. I am confident that I was the only 5th grader in my school who knew Aerosmith, Pink Floyd, Deep Purple, Doobie Brothers, The Scorpions, Queen and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers thanks to George. He taught me a great trick too: whenever mom yelled at him to turn down the stereo, he would turn the volume up first – and then back to its original level. For some reason it didn't work quite as well for me though when I tried it later.
When we were in high school, Paul and I decided to host our own toga party when mom and dad were out of town. George wanted to make sure things didn't out of hand so he (and Cathy) agreed to serve as bouncers for the party. Things didn't get out of hand.
How many big brothers would do that?
Later in life George was the original Kaufer entrepreneur – he had the courage and drive to start his own company…Kaufer Construction. And this inspired me later to also start my own company in my 20s. I figured if George could do it, why can't I?
George was a truly passionate father. From taking baby Janelle with him to job sites to bravely traveling alone with the girls when they were 5 and 3 on a train ride to Portland – there is nothing he loved more than being a Dad. And when the opportunity arose for him to an uncle to our children – he embraced that role just as passionately. He was an awesome uncle.
Before he was a wine connoisseur George was a beer-lover. I recruited George to run on our Hood-to-coast relay team in the early 90s – not long after he started running. The HTC requires you to run 3 separate legs of 4-6 mile runs. George was struggling on his final leg until we dangled a beer out the back of the van as his reward. He kicked it into gear and finished strong.
I have great memories of spending time with George and his family at both Pete's and the Hopyard – and marking off those beers from our beer club cards. When Renee and I lived in the Bay Area, George and I were teammates for the first and only time in our lives (along with Cathy, Renee and many others in the audience today) on the legendary Chili Peppers co-ed softball team. We weren't that good but we had a lot of fun.
More recently whenever we talked on the phone and I'd ask how he was doing, George would often say "Living the dream!" Lots of people say that but I really believe George meant it. He was living his dream of living where he wanted to live, spending time with those he wanted to be with and loving those who he loved.
We are gathered here to celebrate George's life and there is much to celebrate. I think it's important to step back and think about the collective work of George's life when you remember him. Think about how far he came as a professional, brother, son, father, husband and man. I, for one, could not be more proud of him.
One of my favorite authors – John Steinbeck – put it well when he said:
It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.
I know I speak for so many when I say that our world will be a bit darker without George in it.
God Bless You George and may you Rest in peace
Remembering my brother: George Kaufer, Jr.
Tonight I lost one of only four people in the world who have been in my life since the day I was born. Tragically, my brother George passed away in our hometown of Walnut Creek, California after being struck by a car while riding his bicycle
on his way to a after his dentist appointment in Danville. He was only 55.
I'm in a state of shock and I'm sure I will be for some time. This type of unexpected death hits you like a sucker punch to the jaw.
George was the oldest sibling of four children – six years older than me. Because of the age difference, we weren't especially close growing up but I certainly looked up to him in so many ways. Because he was the oldest, growing up was harder for him than for the rest of us. At least he told us that. I liked to tell him that he simply wore out our parents (or trained them) so that things were easier for Paul and I as we went through our teen years.
But as we both got older, we did begin to bond and forge a stronger relationship. George began to take his responsibility of "big brother" more seriously when I was in high school and made sure I didn't make poor decisions. For example, once he found out that my friends and I had started partying and we asked him to buy us beer, he made sure it was Moosehead because, as he put it, "If you're going to drink, I want to make sure you at least have classy beer." Our mutual love of beer continued into my 20s as we discovered microbrews in Portland. George would go out with Paul and I and we downed our share of pitchers together. It was only later that he confessed that he had no idea how he was able to keep up with us.
But again as we grew older we grew closer with sports as well. George became a bigger 49er and Giants fan – and we began to go to games together. I have great memories of sitting with him and watching the 49ers demolish the Giants in a playoff game while I was in town visiting in 1993 – and also bringing his daughter (and my niece) Janelle to her first Giants baseball game (at the age of 2). When Renee and I lived in California we had many get-togethers with George and his family at their house – and in most cases there was usually a 49ers or Giants game on the TV.
Even though George was not as into football and baseball as I was when we were growing up, he was into NHL hockey, and was responsible for my first exposure to the sport. I remember going to a California Golden Seals game in the Oakland Coliseum with him and my Dad and the opponent was Montreal. Being a curious young sports fan, I had to ask him, "What is a Canadian?" I can still hear his laughter today. And it was that seed that was planted that helped lead to my love of the sport today. As a matter of fact, it was because of this hockey connection that I was so excited to share with him my experience of playing in a league for the first time. One of our last conversations was when I was driving to a hockey playoff game and I called him back after he had left me a message earlier in the week. I had to tell him about my first hockey goal – and he was clearly impressed (and proud). Even at 48, it felt good to have my big brother proud of me.
So how would I describe George? Well, like most of us, George was a pretty complex guy and difficult to nail down in only a few words. So I'll use all the words that come to mind:
- Hard-working: While I like to think that all of us Kaufers have strong work ethics, George set the bar crazy high at a young age. As a teenager he spent Summers in Canada with our Grandpa and cousins building an outdoor market. He got a job at 15 to earn enough money to buy a car BEFORE he even had his license. As an aside, his early GTO Barracuda and other hot rod cars are still legendary among my friends. But I digress. George's strong work ethic continued to this day. I have no idea how many 10+ hour days he's worked over the past 5+ years in his role as construction manager for San Mateo School District. He has always taken his work responsibilities seriously and for that I always hugely respected him.
- Loyal – George was one of the most loyal friends or family members I've ever known. Those who knew and loved him all knew: if you needed him for anything, George would do whatever it took to help you out. When Renee and I were landscaping our yard in California, George loaned us his pickup to help haul away rocks. I didn't know what half-ton meant until I told him I hauled 2 tons of rocks in a single load. He could have easily blown a gasket as I almost destroyed his truck but he calmly explained to me that "half ton" meant the maximum payload.
- Devoted: There is no doubt that the highlight of George's life was being a father to Janelle and Megan. There was simply nothing he wouldn't do for either of them if he felt it would somehow improve their lives or better prepare them for later stages in life. He simply cherished both of those girls and I know his absence will loom especially large in their lives moving forward. But I also know that I and the rest of their aunts and uncles will be there for them and will do our best to help fill that void as best we can.
- Passionate: When George decided to do something, he was into it 110 percent. It didn't matter if it was cycling, wine-tasting/collecting, baseball cap collecting, sports memorabilia or his annual Christmas party: "Half-ass" never entered his vocabulary.
- Spiritual: George was a very devoted member of his church and I know he made many close friends through that association. He had a strong faith that helped him through difficult and challenging periods in his life.
- Organized: It didn't matter if it was moving Mom from Portland to Pleasanton (or Pleasanton back up to Portland), George always took the lead in planning and arranging all of the key logistics.
- Loving: Even though George wasn't always the best as talking about or showing his emotions, he let his actions show his true feelings. George had a deep love for his friends and all his family members. Nothing made him feel better than opening his home to others and encouraging all to enjoy the hospitality and company. And he made sure to check in on the most important women in his life: his mom and two daughters, with phone calls every week. I know those calls will be missed.
There are so many other things I feel like I could and should say about my brother now that he's gone and I know I will think of many other things in the days, weeks and months ahead. He was responsible for so many "firsts" in my life: my first job (at a Big O Tire store), my first Indy-style race (at Sears Point Raceway, where I learned that people do drink beer at 8 am), my first wedding (he and Cathy) and my first opportunity to be an uncle to two adorable girls.
The days ahead will be filled with many more tears and sorrow as we mourn the loss of George in our lives. But I know there will also be opportunities for smiles and laughter as we collectively remember the fond memories and all that he brought into our world. At the end of the day I know that George would not like the attention and sorrow that will inevitably come – but its too difficult not to think of all that will be missed with him gone. We were planning a family reunion for this August that would have brought all of the four siblings together again to celebrate my Mom's 80th birthday. The last such occasion was Thanksgiving 2013. Little did we know at that time that it'd be the last we'd all be together.
You just never know what life will bring – or when it will end.
I'm going to miss you big brother.
Challenging the Edmonds School District's Challenge Program
I admit it: I'm a proud father.
But when you have a son who counted to 100 at the age of 2, studied and understood the US highway system at the age of 4, and explained weather patterns to teachers in 2nd grade, you know you have a pretty special kid on your hands.
Every teacher, coach, and adult who knows Ty say the same thing: "He thinks differently – unlike any other child I've ever met."
Recognizing Ty's gifts early on, Renee and I were tasked with the challenge of keeping him engaged and interested in traditional classroom work and activities. At his Kindergarten teacher's suggestion, we had him tested for the district's "Challenge Program." When we learned he wasn't accepted in the program at that time due to his test scores, we weren't too concerned because we thought that it would be good for Ty to attend the local school and build social relationships with other local students. We also realized that he probably just didn't test well at such a young age.
Unfortunately and precisely because of Ty's advanced cognitive ability, he struggles to identify with his peers and maintain friendships at school. It's been heart-breaking hearing him cry and ask why other kids won't be his friends at his current school over the past 3 years. His teachers have also noted that its sometimes difficult keeping Ty engaged in the classwork as he finishes his work far faster than his classmates and sits isolated the rest of the class time. After discussions with his teacher and school advisors, we decided it was time again to try to get Ty into the Challenge Program for 4th grade.
While Ty has exceptional intellectual abilities, he sometimes struggles in traditional timed, testing environments. This has been an issue throughout his academic career and his teachers have worked with him to overcome his anxiety and provide less stressful environments/situations when possible. However, this option isn't possible when it comes to testing for the Challenge program.
We were optimistic that his additional experience in testing environments would help him to score high enough in the CogAT 6 test that is required by the Edmonds School District. So we were disappointed when we received a letter from the District at the end of January notifying us that he didn't qualify for the Challenge Program based on the scores.
The world is full of amazingly gifted and talented people who excel in many areas of cognitive ability – but simply don't perform well in structured testing environments. Ty is one of these individuals.
As the National Association for Gifted Children points out, "Tests are common assessment tools for identification, but should not serve as the sole source of identification…An identification strategy that includes multiple assessments—both objective and subjective—is the best way to ensure no gifted learner is overlooked." The Association advises that when it comes to identifying gifted children, "Because no two gifted children are alike is important to collect information on both the child's performance and potential through a combination of objective (quantifiably measured) and subjective (personally observed) identification instruments in order to identify gifted and talented students."
When we told Ty's teacher and others at his school that he wasn't accepted in the Challenge Program, they were stunned and immediately wrote letters of recommendation as part of the appeal process. We quickly learned that the Edmonds School District wasn't exactly supportive of parents appealing the decision, per their website:
"Appeal Process If your student did not qualify as gifted, you do have an option to appeal the decision. Most families with lower-than-expected CogAT scores do not appeal. If your child is doing well in school and is enjoying and thriving in his/her current experience, you probably should not appeal. If however, you believe your child's performance is in the very superior range in comparison to peers, you may want to consider making an appeal. In order to support the Appeal process, compelling supportive evidence beyond the CogAT 6 test that was given to your student is needed. To complete the Appeal process, you may submit a few copies of your student's work (no originals), teacher letters of reference, and current report card that strongly supports the student's eligibility as a student who is academically gifted. Please choose one additional Cognitive Ability test that will help the MSC review your student's appeal. The most commonly used additional Cognitive Ability Measure is the WISC IV. A state licensed psychologist must give the test and costs vary according to the test and the psychologist you choose.
• Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children (WISC IV)
• Wechsler Preschool and Primary Scale of Intelligence (WPPSI)
• Stanford Binet Cognitive Assessment V
• Woodcock Johnson Cognitive Assessment Scales III
We decided to appeal the decision and learned that the cost of private testing was upwards of $500, depending on the professional used for the testing. Now, we already know that Ty doesn't test well but this in and of itself doesn't mean he's not gifted. Because of the high cost of testing coupled with the fact that such private psychologists had waiting lists for such testing, we were not able to provide additional private testing results as part of our appeal.
While I was hopeful that Ty would be accepted into the program after his initial testing, I was highly confident that he would be accepted based on our appeal. We provided compelling evidence of Ty's exceptional abilities despite structured test scores along with exemplary letters of recommendation from faculty members of his school. Surely the committee would understand that there are exceptional and gifted children who may not test well but should be part of the program – especially if every teacher that student has ever had considers him to be gifted.
So it goes without saying that we were crushed when we received another letter from the District rejecting Ty and our appeal from the gifted program. The primary reason? "The Committee looked at all the appeal and testing information, work samples, and exemplary letters from teachers; but they did not have any additional cognitive tests to compare with the CogAT scores. In Challenge, students are expected to identify and solve complex programs, explore concepts in greater depth and complexity and be able to work at a much higher level than students in the regular program."
So in other words, the Committee doesn't care what Ty's teachers think. Or about his work samples or report cards. The only criteria they are using is test scores. We are saddened that families who cannot afford private testing are not allowed into the challenge program. Paying out of pocket for additional testing for the purpose of appeal puts an advantage on wealthy families and unfairly punishes those who cannot afford such private sessions. In our case, we priced out the private testing opportunities to find they are quite expensive and we ran out of time to find alternative means.
We were very explicit in our appeal letter that Ty just doesn't test well in timed, structured settings, but that given additional opportunities to prove his abilities, he would outperform expectations.
While the most recent letter said that the Committee's decision is final, we're not settling for defeat yet because we know how important this is for Ty's education and development. We're currently exploring legal and other options, including discussions with the Washington Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction and the Washington State Governor's Office of the Education Ombuds. The process is broken and it needs to be fixed so that Ty and other deserving and neglected students are not unfairly excluded.
Thank You Lon Simmons – A Special Voice From My Youth
Yesterday as we were driving home from a fun Easter weekend spent in Portland, I came across some sad news in my Twitter feed. Lon Simmons, who was a broadcaster for the San Francisco Giants during the 1960s, 70s and 80s (and later the voice of the 49ers and Oakland A's as well) passed away at the age of 91.
I'm part of the last generation of sports fans that had to follow their favorite teams primarily through radio broadcasts and daily box scores and articles as kids. There was no ESPN, Fox Sports or MLB network. For baseball fans like me, our connection came through transistor radios and Saturday games-of-the-week on NBC. And as a young Giants fans, I listened to countless games – many of them bad given the Giants performance in the 70s – with Lon Simmons in my ear.
When I was in 7th grade, I missed nearly a quarter of school in the Spring of 1978 with various illnesses, mostly allergy and asthma-related. I was confined indoors in our house, which was unbearable for a normally energetic 12 year old. But luckily for me, the Giants had gotten off to an uncharacteristically strong start that season and were actually competing with the Dodgers for first place in the NL West. Listening to the Giants games was the highlight of each day and I created my own calendar of upcoming games, so that I would have something to look forward to between home tutors and doctor appointments. The Giants were energized by a young power-hitting right fielder, Jack Clark (who quickly became my favorite player). And me and my friends quickly learned how to impersonate Lon's famous home run calls, "It's hit deep to left field…way back, way back, TELL IT GOODBYE! A home run!!"
As far as I was concerned, Lon Simmons was the greatest broadcaster on the planet. And later in life I (and millions of others) had the opportunity to vote online to help elect Lon to the Baseball Hall of Fame. He made it in 2001.
I met Lon once, before the famous 1982 49ers-Cowboys NFC Championship game. A friend and I had decided to go to the game and buy tickets from scalpers on-site. We had no idea how long it would take us to find tickets given our minimal $30 budgets so we decided to leave at 9 am for the afternoon game. As luck would have it, we immediately found a broker who sold us the tickets and we soon found ourselves with hours to kill before kick off. We decided to roam around Candlestick Park and somehow found ourselves on the mezzanine level, where the broadcast booths and suites were located. We recognized Lon exiting an elevator and made our way up to say hello. He was much taller than I expected – a reflection of the former pitching prospect he once was – and was very gracious. We were too nervous (and he was too busy) for much of an exchange but we told him how much we loved him and he thanked us.
It was both touching and interesting to read the many tributes for Lon that flowed on Twitter and social media after new broke about his death. It hit Giants fans and media members hard. Many also noted the role that he played in their lives as young sports fans listening to games in the Bay Area. Its not often that people have an opportunity to touch so many others who they never touch but that is truly one of the magical powers of mass media. And I hope that Lon knew how many he touched with his distinctive voice and witty sense of humor.
In honor of Lon, I'm sharing one of his greatest and most famous calls as a 49ers announcer.
Being The Sibling of a Special Needs Child Creates Special Challenges
Most people don't think about how difficult it is for a child who has a special needs sibling. This is something I've been very aware of though with Ty since Stone was diagnosed with ASD just before the twins turned 3. Even though they are twins, Ty and Stone didn't play together when they were younger. It's only been recently that we've seen an increase in interaction between them. But in many ways Ty has been almost like an only child, with no sibling to talk to or play with through much of his childhood.
Add to that the pressure and awareness that comes from having a Special Needs sibling. Ty was 5 when he first asked us "What is Autism?" He's told us that at school he's had to defend Stone when other kids ask Ty why he's so different. He's accompanied Stone to countless speech and OT therapy sessions, always patiently waiting with Renee or I in the lobby while Stone goes through his paces. And Ty is always excited the minute Stone emerges through the door.
I think most parents who have multiple kids probably worry about playing favorites or devoting too much time or resources towards one sibling over another. This sensitivity is heightened exponentially when you're the parent of a special needs child. Given all of the extra needs that are required, it would be very easy for the typical child to feel neglected or misunderstood. This is one reason why it's important to me to be as involved as possible in Ty's youth sports. I want to make sure he has time with me that is his own and has nothing to do with Stone or Autism.
Sometime in 2014 I became aware of a program called "SibShop" – provided by the wonderful organization Northwest Special Families (the same group that organizes the Special Santa program we've attended the past 5 years). The goal of SibShop is to provide an opportunity for kids who have special needs siblings to get together with other similar kids and learn simply they aren't alone. Being a special needs sibling is a club nobody volunteers to join, yet it has its own unique and special characteristics that only members can best understand. So I signed Ty up for the shop last Fall and explained the concept to him.
On the day of the event, Ty was understandably nervous and reluctant to attend. He asked a thousand questions about it as we drove to Kirkland after school. The program features teen counselors (who also have special needs siblings) and adults who organize activities for the kids, who range in age from 1st through 6th grade. I signed Ty in and watched him walk apprehensively into the room. I was told I could pick him up in 3 hours – parents aren't allowed to stay. This is truly the kids time to be with each other.
I found a local sports bar and watched Game 6 of the World Series while tackling some work via WiFi as I waited to pick up Ty. I was curious how it was going and hoping it was a positive experience. When it came time to pick him up I was thrilled to find an extremely excited and happy Ty greeting me. After signing him out I asked him if he liked it and he gave a very enthusiastic YES! He said that it was so much fun – and that he became so relaxed during a yoga session that he almost fell asleep. The event and experience was a resounding success and Ty said he couldn't wait until the next SibShop (which happened to be last week – and again was a huge success in Ty's mind).
Heading into the most recent SibShop Renee and I had noticed an increase in complaints from Ty about having a brother like Stone. He talked about how it was hard that Stone wasn't interested in playing Minecraft or other activities with him. But since last week I've noticed a change in Ty's attitude and interactions with Stone. He's now trying to facilitate interaction even more on his end – from asking him questions to trying to get him say word or identify objects. I sense that Ty has accepted a new role as Stone's twin brother and that he understands the situation better (or at least differently).
SibShop is exactly the kind of program that we need more of within the Autism community. Far too many families aren't aware of (or able to access) these kinds of programs – most of which are created and managed by small organizations that are fighting for every funding dollar they can find. This is why I get annoyed with Autism Speaks. For all of the millions of dollars they raise through their very effective marketing and awareness-building campaigns, the bulk of their money goes to huge salaries for executives and genetic research. Only 4% of funds donated to Autism Speaks are reinvested in services and supports for autistic people and families. Many families impacted by Autism do not support Autism Speaks – if you're curious why, simply Google "Autism Speaks Controversy" or something similar and you'll find plenty of examples.
But the point of this post isn't to vent against Autism Speaks, it's to applaud Northwest Special Families and other local organizations like Washington Autism Alliance and Advocacy for the work they do for families like ours who are impacted by Autism daily. And SibShop is a terrific example of a program that has directly helped our family (especially Ty).


text:
I am a rabid online video consumer. I love them, I watch them, I make them. The greatest thing about online videos is that, unlike television, the creators have all the time they need to explain their point and they are, more importantly, a relatively inexpensive way to react quickly to the opposition.
I'm not sure the Obama administration has figured out yet that between our continual victories on twitter and our exploding video production capabilities, they aren't the only game in town anymore. Back in 2008, most tech savvy people found the McCain campaign to be woefully inadequate online. This doesn't appear to the be the case this election cycle with Romney's camp & conservative SuperPACs pushing new content almost daily.
It is also making for an interesting back and forth between competing narratives. Take for instance this ad from American Crossroads about Obama's broken promises.
[youtube] NT8xAlxKV-w[/youtube]
Seems cut and dry. Obama made promises. Obama didn't keep those promises. Obama is a guy that doesn't keep promises. But the Obama camp responds with their own video saying that American Crossroads is funded by "secret donors" to spread lies with an evil $25 million ad campaign. They of course ignore the "secret donors" of SuperPACs on the left supporting Obama, the billions that labor unions pour into elections and the fact that American Crossroads $25 million ad blitz was merely matching what the Obama camp was spending.
Here's their response:
Deliciously, American Crossroads used a similar format to respond to the response.
Ultimately, the hubris of the left (who have always owned the realm of visual media) could be their undoing as it appears we conservatives have finally gotten our crap together and are standing firm in what used to be the left's playground.
The shroud of the left has fallen. Begun, the ad wars have.

subset: commoncrawl


text:
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Community: Milwaukee
County: Milwaukee
Historic Name: Holy Trinity School
Reference Number: 38986
Historic Name: WILLIAM A. ZABEL HOUSE
Reference Number: 41602
Historic Name: SCHOOL SISTERS OF NOTRE DAME CONVENT
Reference Number: 38987
Historic Name: Arthur W. Warner Residence
Reference Number: 134609
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Reference Number: 104764
Reference Number: 102991
Reference Number: 114307
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Date: 1938-10-01
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text:
BEFORE THE season, the national pastime scholars at Baseball America reveal their top-10 prospect lists for each club. Let's peek at how well they guessed with the Phillies as baseball settles into the All-Star break.
We'll bypass Domonic Brown, BBA's No. 1 prospect, since he's a big-leaguer now. Here are Nos. 2 though 10 in order (statistics are updated):
* Jonathan Singleton, 1B, Clearwater (.275, 6 home runs, 37 RBI): He struggled mightily after a good start, but has rebounded in the last couple weeks. He's a lefthanded hitter who needs to beef up that .190 average against lefty pitchers. Plenty of upside for Singleton, since he doesn't turn 20 until September. Maybe not the No. 2 prospect, but looking three or four seasons down the line, he belongs in the top 10.


text:
3. The system equation for a liear filter is y[n] = x[n + 1] + x[n − 1] + 3x[n − 2] + 8x[n − 4].
• What is the impulse response h[n] at n = 0? h[0] =
• What is the length of this FIR filter? (hint: the filter length refers to the range from the
lower bound to the upper bound of the nonzero support) L =
• The input is x[n] = {1, 0, 3, 2}. What is the length of the output y[n] = x[n] * h[n]?
Ly =
• The input is x[n] = u[n − 5] − u[n − 15], where u[n] is the unit step function.
What is the length of the output y[n] = x[n] * h[n]? Ly =
Which of the output value(s) are nonzero?
(a) y[0] (b) y[4] (c) y[15] (d) y[18] (e) y[20]
4. The unit step sequence, denoted by u[n], is defined as
(b) We can use the unit step sequence as a convenient representation for sequences that are
given by formulas over a range of values. For example, make a plot of the sequence
x[n] = n (u[n − 1] − u[n − 7])
for −6 n 12.
(c) A 3-point running average filter yields the output y[n] from an input x[n] as follows:
y[n] =(x[n] + x[n − 1] + x[n − 2])/3
What is the impulse response of this filter? Is this�asx.Hm?
(d) Suppose that x[n] in part (b) is the input to the 3-point running average filter in (c).
Compute the output y[n] and plot y[n] versus n. Based on the comparison between the two
sequences x[n] and y[n], briefly describe the effects of this filtering operation.�kx.Hmq�x.Hm


text:
First Time Here?
I want to tell you more about me and this blog. Click HERE.
Occasionally, I hear from women who have struggled tremendously with vaginismus, a condition that causes the vagina to tighten, making sexual intercourse extremely painful.
So you can imagine how grateful I was to open up my email and see an alert about a new post from my fellow writer and pal Sheila Gregoire.
Sheila recently did a series on vaginismus, and highly recommend you read the series!
Profound and needed information in these posts. (I included the links further down, so keep scrolling).
Not only did Sheila suffer from this condition early in her marriage, she also has heard from countless other women.
Some of these women are bravely sharing their stories in an effort to shed more light.
Even if you have never suffered from vaginismus, reading the posts could help us all build good empathy for women who do.
Copyright 2016, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
PURSUIT OF PASSION: Now Available in PRINT and Ebook!
Posted in sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: painful sex, sexual intimacy in marriage, sexual struggles, sheila gregoire, vaginismus
Who among us hasn't found ourselves multi-tasking -- during sex!
The number of details flowing through our brains can be downright distracting, especially during intimacy!
Sheila Gregoire of To Love Honor and Vacuum tackles this topic today to help all of us (particularly us women!) gain a healthier perspective on not letting sex suffer.
Sheila's post is part of my ongoing guest blog series on things that destroy sex in marriage.
Things are getting nice and steamy when suddenly, out of nowhere, the thought pops into your head: "I think we're out of vacuum bags."
And then you start wondering what else you need at the store.
Most of us women are by our very nature multi-taskers, probably more so by necessity than by choice.
At any given time, a woman must mentally and sometimes physically keep tabs on a barrage of specifics.
You could be making the grocery list AND preparing a proposal for work AND checking on the child's homework. Needless to say, there's a lot going on in your world.
Now, to be fair to the men, I think they too juggle quite a few details. It seems, though, the tasks many women must focus upon have daily urgency, especially if you are in charge of the calendar and anything associated with the children.
It's just hard to step back from a relentless "to do" list and gain perspective, because honestly, sex feels like one more thing on the list.
It's not that you don't want to offer your body and your undivided heart and mind. It just feels impossible to give him the whole package on any given day.
If that describes how you feel, what can you do to stop the negative impact multi-tasking is having on sex in your marriage?
Nothing will dig you deeper into a hole than denial. We like to tell ourselves we can do it all well, but truth is that some things suffer.
You have to start counting the costs. Maybe instead of juggling so many balls, let a few fall – the ones that don't have big consequences.
The health of your marriage is vital, so that's one you don't want to leave to chance.
Take an honest look at what you have expected from yourself as a mother, homemaker, volunteer and employee. If you have set the bar unreasonably high (maybe even bordering on perfection) in some of those areas, decide to give on a few things.
The energy and focus you will have for intimacy with your husband is worth it.
You may think I'm going to say get him more involved in wrangling some of those details, so they are on his plate and not yours. Well, that's not a bad idea, but that's not exactly where I'm going.
What I really mean by "enlist" his help is be frank with him about what you need to de-program and reset your mind for getting busy beneath the sheets.
If you know that a hot shower or a hot bath will relax you, then tell him that's what you need – and ask him to help you make room for that.
If you need more foreplay to redirect your mind toward sex, then tell him you need more foreplay.
If you need to go for a walk after dinner so you can just vent all the things that are on your mind and get them out, then tell him! I explain it to my husband like this:
"Inside my head are all of these different pinballs, just like on a pinball machine, going back and forth, rattling around in my brain. If I'm going to be able to enjoy sex tonight, I've got to get those pinballs out first!"
So now we go for "pinball" walks, and it helps me get my head in the game immensely!
Sure, your brain's default is to multitask. But that doesn't mean it HAS to multitask. You just have to fight back!
And the way to do that is to get out of your brain and start focusing on your body. When you're making love, ask yourself, "What feels good right now?" Or "Where do I want him to touch right now?"
That may sound clinical, but here's what often happens to us women:
We start making love, and nothing feels that great because we're thinking of a thousand different things. We figure that if our husbands do just the right thing and are perfect lovers, they'll get us out of our heads and they'll make us feel good. So until we feel good, we'll just make a grocery list.
But your body can't feel good -- no matter what your husband does -- until you concentrate on it, because our sex drives are almost entirely in our brains. If our brains aren't engaged, our bodies won't follow.
So the answer is not for our husbands to be perfect lovers (though that can't hurt!); it's for us to fight against the grocery list and start thinking about our bodies.
That gets our brains thinking below our necks, and helps our bodies to engage. When you ask yourself, "What feels good right now?", you may just realize that something does!
And then you can go with that feeling.
Oh, and if you do figure out that something wants to be touched -- tell him!
One last thing: as busy as we are as wives and mothers and workers, sometimes we think that sex is "just for him." As long as you show up, all is good, right? Wrong.
Sex is for you too. And beyond the obvious benefit of strengthening your marriage, it also has other awesome effects.
It helps relieve stress, contributes to your general sense of well-being, and releases healthy endorphins into your system.
And besides all that -- it helps you sleep! How many times did I say, "Not tonight, honey. I'm just exhausted," only to lie there and toss and turn because I know I've disappointed him, I'm ticked because he's ticked, and we're both not sleeping?!
But when we have sex, I sleep like a rock! So now when I'm tired I say, "Come put me to sleep, baby!"
Plain and simple, nurtured sexual intimacy can help you have a better outlook on your crazy busy life. Sex isn't just good for your marriage. It's good for you. And you're worth that kind of investment.
Sheila Wray Gregoire is the author of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex. She blogs everyday at ToLoveHonorandVacuum.com. Come on over and get her free ebook, 36 Ways to Bring Sexy Back to Your Marriage!
Copyright 2015, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Posted in marriage problems, passion, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: exhaustion, passion, sexual intimacy in marriage, sheila gregoire, tired
My pal Sheila Gregoire has come out with a new eBook, 31 Days to Great Sex, and it's only $4.99. (You have an opportunity to win a FREE copy, so keep reading).
The eBook is all about nurturing sex in marriage, so you know I am a fan.
Sheila and I are very like-minded on this TRUTH that married couples should be enjoying and speaking positively about SEX.
Can you imagine if she and I and a few of our fellow marriage blogger gals could sit on a beach some day and just come up with idea after idea on how to help marriages sexually?!
Sounds like a dreamy vacation to me.
In the meantime, Sheila has written this fabulous eBook on 31 Days to Great Sex.
It's only $4.99 people. That's like what you would spend on a Venti latte at Starbucks!
I receive $2.50 of each copy sold from this post here, so maybe I'll be buying a cup of coffee or tea for my Beloved -- but, more importantly, the more copies sold, the more marriages nurtured.
Your marriage is worth at least what you spend on a cup of good coffee, right?!
Of course it is! Honestly, even if you don't feel that way right now, the truth is that your marriage is worth investing in.
I asked Sheila to share a little about this book and her passion for the topic. (A bonus for you... You get to hear someone else talk besides me. She's a Christian wife who values sex, so she's a lot like me. Only more published. And doesn't live in Nebraska.)
Simply make a comment on this post about WHY it is so important for Christians to speak in favor of nurtured passionate sexual intimacy in marriage. At 9 p.m. (CST) Saturday, Nov. 24, I will randomly draw a number and whatever comment matches up with that number will be the winner. *** UPDATE *** Winner of the book in the random drawing was commenter #12... Heather Ratliff! Congrats Heather!
Now back to Sheila... here are my questions and her responses:
What would you say to a wife who has the perspective that sex is just for her husband…that it's not really something vital to her as well?
Many, many women feel like that. I know I did when I was first married. Sex was uncomfortable for me, and the more he wanted sex, the more I felt he didn't really care about me or love me.
But I kept seeing and hearing all these women talk about sex as if it were a good thing. And I thought: why is it that they enjoy it and I don't? How come I'm losing out?
And that's what it is. Losing out. God promised us an abundant life, and that includes an abundant marriage in the bedroom. If your husband doesn't have that, you're not just shortchanging him; you're shortchanging yourself.
You were created for pleasure. You have a body part (the clitoris) whose only purpose is to make you feel wonderful! Not even men have that. For them every body part is dual purpose.
And sex wasn't just designed to make you feel physically rapturous; it also makes us feel intimate with our husbands. It makes us feel close. It makes us laugh. It even helps us to sleep better!
So if you're just too exhausted for sex; if you're sick of him pestering you; if you can't figure out what all the fuss is about; take a deep breath and tell yourself: "I may not understand how great sex is right now, but I know that God meant for it to be great. And I'm not going to stop until I figure out how that's actually possible!" Because it is, ladies. Don't lose out on it.
What would surprise my readers about your book 31 Days to Great Sex?
A lot of it doesn't take place in the bedroom! Sure there are quite a few challenges on how to make sex feel great. But when sex has become blah, the answer usually isn't in the bedroom--or in a sex toy shop.
The answer usually comes through more communication, through more emotional vulnerability, even just through more shared laughter! What I keep hearing over and over from readers is, "You finally helped us TALK about all of this stuff!" So yes, there are plenty of steamy days.
But what really helps couples, I think, is the time dedicated to making this area of your life much richer.
If you had one sentence to tell my readers what sex means to a marriage, what would that sentence say?
Billions of people have had sex; I'm not sure how many have actually made love. I hope through this 31 Days to show people how amazing--physically, emotionally, and spiritually--making love can be. (Oops, that's 2!)
Invest in yourself and in your marriage. It's only $4.99. You never know... it could be one of the best investments you've made in your marriage in a long time...
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Posted in authentic, body image, intimacy, marriage problems, passion, sex, sexual intimacy, sexual intimacy struggles, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: sexual intimacy in marriage, sheila gregoire
Good girls do have the best sex!
Want to know more?
Invest in yourself and your marriage and snag a copy of Sheila Wray Gregoire's new book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (aff. link).
I'm so glad Sheila, such a genuine voice on this topic, has put her insights to paper with this new book.
And I'm giving a copy away! (A shout out to Sheila's publicist Jennifer for thinking of you, my readers, and sending me a giveaway copy.)
Below is a question and answer session I did with Sheila about the book.
My questions are in bold blue, and Sheila's answers follow.
At the end I'll tell you how you can have a chance to win the copy Jennifer sent me.
I genuinely think you'll appreciate Sheila, a woman who feels like a friend -- someone who wouldn't care if your house was messy and would sit down at your kitchen table, enjoy a hot cup of coffee and REALLY talk about sex. Is it no wonder I like this woman?
There are increasingly a number of Christian books on sexual intimacy in marriage. What are a few ways your book stands apart?
Before I was married someone gave me a book about sex in marriage. I read it in the bathtub, and it made me so mad I held it under the water until it drowned.
And then I dumped it in the garbage.
Why did I feel so homicidal towards a book?
It was all about how to make your wedding night work like clockwork, explaining what to do so that you'd have an orgasm. And it felt so choreographed. It was so much pressure!
I was young, inexperienced, and scared. I wanted some reassurance that sex was nothing to be scared about, and that I could relax and things would work out. Instead I felt like I was going to have to write a test afterwards to make sure I got everything right.
By the way, the book didn't work. My wedding night was lousy!
But I've been married for 20 years now, and what I've found is that sex gets so much better. And one of the things that makes sex so stupendous is that it's not just physical--it's also emotional and spiritual, too.
It's deeply intimate. That's what I wanted to understand.
In the early years of my marriage when things weren't working like clockwork, I yearned for a big sister who I could sit down with and ask real questions. But I didn't have a big sister. And it seems like most of the books written about sex for Christians were either written by couples or were written by men.
I thought it was about time that a woman wrote a book that told it like it is.
And so I've tried to write a "chatty" book that talks about sex from a woman's perspective, and lets it all hang out!
Never fear, though. I don't pressure anyone to achieve some magical high or else they feel like they've "failed." Instead, I try to present sex as a journey.
Don't judge it by every single encounter. You have a lifetime to grow together! So relax, have fun, and get to know each other in a whole new way.
One thing that's interesting about the research I did for my book: I asked people to rate their wedding nights in terms of how good the sex was. And then I asked them to rate their sex lives now. And having a lousy wedding night made absolutely no difference--absolutely none--on the quality of the sex people enjoy now.
So the message that my book gives women is "relax! Let what happens, happen. The amazing thing is that now you get to know each other in every way--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So revel in that--not in whether or not you can try every position and achieve simultaneous orgasms in your first year together."
What do you most enjoy about speaking and writing about sex?
This may sound weird, but I know you'll understand this, Julie. I like saying the stuff that everybody else is too scared to say.
My husband and I speak at marriage conferences, and we always do the "sex" talk. And I have these comedy routines I do about what often runs through a women's brain while she's making love. And everybody roars with laughter, because we all know it, but no one talks about it.
Or else everyone's scared to talk about the things that people are actually thinking about and wondering about, like sex toys, or oral sex, or different positions, or why can't I orgasm? It doesn't bother me to say those words out loud (though I admit it took a little bit of practice when I started).
But I find the reception is one of overwhelming relief. We have this idea that everyone in the church is such a prude that they'll wilt if they hear the word "clitoris."
But it's not true.
Christians may be private, but we're not prudes. And most Christians crave real information about sex that isn't tainted by our culture's warped view of what's okay. I love filling that role.
Why do you personally think Christian married couples should be the biggest advocates for sex? How can we do more to ensure upcoming generations better appreciate and nurture sex in their marriages than possibly previous generations have?
Christian married couples have the best sex!
The tagline for my book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, is "and you thought bad girls had more fun."
We have this warped idea that the Kim Kardashians of the world are the ones enjoying sex the most, but according to my survey (which confirms what others have said), it's actually the church secretary who lives down the street, puttering in her garden, who may be carrying an extra forty pounds, but she's been married to the same guy for 22 years.
When we listen to God's design for sex, we have amazing sex.
And I think the primary reason is because we know it's not just physical. An orgasm is great; but to make an orgasm really intense doesn't involve something with batteries.
It just involves understanding that sex also unites you spiritually and emotionally, and when you feel that deep, intimate oneness with another person, there's nothing else like it.
The reason our culture has such problems with sex, and why they're always trying to push the envelope, is because all they have is the physical. Take sex out of the context of a committed relationship, and it becomes only about the body.
But it's so much more than that. They've made it so shallow, and because of that they've wrecked it for so many people.
We need to be telling people, "You want to have great sex? Wait for marriage, and then have lots of it!" That's the recipe for an amazing sex life.
THANK YOU Sheila for your wisdom and willingness to walk where God has called you in speaking up and writing about sex.
I encourage wives to glean from this book and recognize how you can embrace all that sexual intimacy can mean for you and your marriage.
Want a chance to win the free copy?!
Simply comment on this post by answering this question: "Why is it so important for Christians to become the BEST advocates for nurtured sexual intimacy in marriage?"
(I moderate my comments, so if it doesn't show up right away, please be patient). Be sure to leave a legitimate email address -- it won't publish publically, but I'll have to have a way to reach you if you win.
At 9 p.m. Central time on Wednesday, March 14, I'll randomly pick a number from the number of comments I receive on the post. The comment that lines up with the number I pick is the winner! **** UPDATE: Winner of the drawing for the free book was Darcy! Thank you for all the comments below... please read them and share them!
To buy the book, visit The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex (aff. link).
Thanks again Sheila!
Copyright 2012, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Posted in marriage problems, sexual struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: book, good girls guide to great sex, sexual intimacy in marriage, sheila gregoire
Lately I've been a little self-absorbed.
See, I have a broken finger (long story) with some slight tendon damage thrown in as well.
Saving grace is it is on my non-dominant hand. Still annoying though.
See what I mean?! I'm self-absorbed.
So imagine my relief when I still managed to stumble upon this phenomenal conversation author and speaker Sheila Gregoire generated about birth control on her blog.
First there was her post Which Birth Control Method Is Best?. Then she followed it up with Christian Birth Control Round-Up .
(Both posts are DEFINITELY worth the read, so check them out).
I gotta give Sheila a shout out on this, because it is a topic that in particular impacts women -- and can be a monumental issue in marriage. (See why her posts resonated with me?! Women. Sex. Marriage. I'm all ears for discussions like this).
Whether we admit it or not, decisions about birth control (or lack thereof) are made in marriage -- at least in marriages where the possibility of conception exists. Couples make those decisions either consciously or sub-consciously -- with information or without.
Not surprisingly, many Christians don't like to discuss birth control, what with all the theologies, opinions, facts and occasional news stories intermingling.
I think I have mentioned birth control in only one of my previous posts. Lord knows, though, I have more than some passing thoughts on it.
For one, there was that mild stroke I had when I was 19 (On the pill. Not married. First sexual experience.)
Yes, a mild stroke. Experienced by little ol' me.
Not fun I might add.
Granted, I can point to a few other things that likely contributed to the stroke, but hey... in hindsight it's hard to not wonder about the fine print I did not read on the birth control package.
And, of course, I can't forget that being on the pill absolutely killed my sex drive in my first marriage. I had no idea some forms of hormonal birth control had that potential side effect. Ahhh... the infamous, "I wish I'd known then what I know now." My poor first husband. I've actually apologized to him for this.
Sheila also mentioned that it took a toll on her libido, and I've heard this echoed by other women as well.
If you are using hormonal birth control, don't think I'm trying to alienate you. I'm simply speaking out of my own story, because... well... that's the only story I've got.
What is so fabulous about Sheila's discussion on birth control is that it sheds light on valid aspects of which so many couples are either unaware or think aren't affecting their sexual intimacy.
I'm not a medical doctor (I don't know any marriage bloggers who are). Suffice to say, many of us are simply trying to encourage couples to address issues that are important to marriage. If you have questions about various forms of birth control, by all means, please talk to your doctor.
And I'm not a theologian, but I am well aware there are strong opinions among Christians about various forms of birth control, including whether it should even be used.
I blog about sex. One can't write too long on the topic of sex without a variety of information flying her way about condoms, the ethics of hormonal birth control, and the question of whether the pull-out method works.
It doesn't, by the way. At least not with any predictable accuracy.
Plenty of "pull-out" babies out there, wondering why their bedroom looks strikingly similar to their mom's home office.
Anyway, I digress.
I just really wanted to take the time to say I so admire Sheila's heart to encourage couples to really talk and seek information and make wise decisions.
I echo her sentiments.
Maybe I'm just a lazy blogger, seeing how I'm simply pointing you to her in-depth posts instead of writing a few of my own on this topic.
She's just so dang good, though. I'm not overly confident I could expand any further on what she and her commenters have said.
Plus I've got this painful finger to tend to.
I keep telling my friends that I'm just not too thrilled with any sort of pain that doesn't result in someone handing me a baby at the end and saying "Congratulations!"
How funny is that -- I just wrapped up my blog about birth control by talking about giving birth.
I know. My comedic irony is freaking you out.
Anyway, go read Sheila's posts and chime in.
More importantly, if you haven't already, have an open discussion with your spouse about birth control -- especially if it has been a topic causing tension in your sexual intimacy.
Trust me.
You do not want to find yourself someday thinking, "I wish I'd known then what I know now."
Copyright 2011, Julie Sibert. Intimacy in Marriage Blog.
Posted in marriage problems, sexual intimacy struggles, Uncategorized Tagged with: birth control, sexual intimacy, sheila gregoire
Too many couples are sacrificing their sexual intimacy.
Any of these altars sound familiar in your marriage? Lack of Time. Waiting for Ideal Conditions. Inhibition. Too Tired.
Well, today in our on-going "altar" series, we have author and speaker Sheila Gregoire digging into another altar -- Lack of Pleasure.
Is sex not pleasurable for you? Instead of figuring that out, would you rather not have sex at all or do you just go through the motions?
Glean from Sheila's wisdom on this topic. Her insights could compel you to pull your sexual intimacy off this "altar" and start enjoying sex with the man you married.
Ever notice how everybody in the whole wide world absolutely loves sex?
At least, that's what magazine covers blare at us in the checkout line, and movies and television convince us of. People are attracted to each other, they fall into bed, and everything works just beautifully.
Yeah, right.
Let's get a reality check here -- and some hope for the future. For many women, sex does not feel very good at the beginning of their marriages. In fact, based on the surveys I did for my upcoming book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, it looks like most women have rather ho hum sex in their first few years of marriage.
They don't reach orgasm.
They just don't like it that much.
That's because, as much as we may talk about sex being "totally natural," we don't just figure out how to do it easily. So many things are tied up in sex that making it work perfectly isn't simple.
You have to feel safe. You have to feel relaxed. You have to feel willing and not ashamed. And besides all these emotional challenges, you also just simply have to learn to do it right.
And that takes time.
Men and women, for instance, like to be touched in entirely different ways. Men like it a little bit rougher and harder, while women like it a little bit gentler. If he were to touch you on your clitoris, for instance, the same way he would want to be touched on his penis, more than likely it wouldn't feel good; it would feel very uncomfortable. Whereas if you were to touch him the way you like to be touched, he would interpret it more like teasing.
I think that's why many couples get off to a bad start, and then many women just assume, "Oh well, sex isn't for me. It just will never feel all that good."
Perhaps your first sexual experience was before you were married, and it was rather hurried. You didn't have time to get that aroused. Or perhaps your first time was on your wedding night, when he was also in a hurry, and neither of you took time to figure out what you wanted.
He didn't seem to be into "foreplay," and you didn't ask, and so you settled into a routine where, when you do make love, he has an orgasm rather quickly, and you start dreaming about paint colors or grocery lists.
It does not have to be that way!
Most guys don't take a lot of time at foreplay, but that's often out of ignorance, not spite. We assume that it's because they don't want to, but it's usually because they don't understand.
And we give up on the idea of ever actually experiencing sex as a good thing, and so sex becomes rather low on our priority list (or else a source of great resentment).
No one wants to live that way. That's cheating yourself out of something God created you for! So here's how to get out of this trap:
You need a reset button.
Start over!
If you are going to have a good time in the bedroom, you are going to have to be an active participant.
Tell him what you want! He wants to make you feel good; for most men, that's the ultimate prize. When they know that they can make you feel good, they feel like real men. They feel wanted and desired. So he wants it to work, even if he's rushing through it. He just doesn't get it.
But maybe you don't know what you want, and you don't know what to tell him. Here's a good way to figure it out: suggest that you play a game where all you do is touch for 15 minutes. Just have him touch you, and when he does something right, let him know. When it's not quite right, move his hand or lead him to some place better.
You don't even need to use words if you don't want to. But show him what feels good, and in the process you'll probably learn yourself!
Then change places and touch him. Make a rule that he's not allowed to do anything except experience it, so that you can enjoy the wonder of your effect on his body. And keep playing this game, repeatedly, where he just figures out how to touch you and you figure out how to touch him.
Once you're comfortable touching each other, see if you can let go and have him bring you to orgasm some way (either with his mouth or with his hands).
Pay special attention to your arousal level, labelling it between a 1 and a 10 (with 10 being orgasm). Think of 9 as the point at which, if he stopped, you would literally burst into tears. Learn how your body feels and reacts. And once you get used to what a 9 feels like, then get to a 9 and start intercourse at that point.
Of course, to do this, you'll have to carve out time away from the kids when you can relax.
Turn off the phones.
Light some candles.
Have a bath together, or start with a massage.
If he understands that "tonight's about one long sex session," he'll be far more likely to want to do the massage -- and then you'll be far more likely to relax, so that you're able to experience more pleasure.
If you've been making love, with him hurrying along after foreplay that isn't that great, then change things up!
Teach him to touch you. Learn what your body likes. And you just may find that sex isn't just for him; it's totally for you, too!
Sheila Wray Gregoire is a speaker and an author of five books, including the upcoming "The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex" with Zondervan, available February 2012. She blogs at To Love, Honor and Vacuum. You can find her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/sheila.gregoire.books.
Don't miss the other posts in this on-going series! Sign up with the RSS-thingy so you can catch what other great marriage bloggers will be saying about the Altars We Sacrifice Sexual Intimacy On.
PART 1: The Altar of Time by Dustin Riechmann
PART 2: The Altar of Ideal Conditions by Lori Lowe
PART 3: The Altar of Inhibition by Kate Aldrich
PART 4: The Altar of Tiredness by Paul Byerly
Posted in marriage problems, orgasm, sexual intimacy struggles Tagged with: guest series, orgasm, pleasure, sheila gregoire


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EUROPE: Jockey to launch women's loungewear line
US apparel maker Jockey International is to launch its first women's loungewear collection in Europe.
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The InformationWeek survey was conducted in February and March, before much of the financial services turmoil hit, so pay trends could dip even more if this slowdown is severe. "The impact of the recession hasn't fully shown up yet," Hira says.
It hasn't shown up in the number of employed IT pros. It's surprising to see IT wages stall in part because IT employment appears to have grown so strongly the past year. For the 12 months ending in March, average U.S. IT employment is 12% higher than a year ago, hitting an all-time high of 3.8 million IT jobs, according to Bureau of Labor Statistics surveys. Yet a lot of that growth is in lower-paying roles. In the first quarter, 30% of new U.S. IT jobs were created in computer support, where the median pay is $51,000, according to our survey. That could explain some of the falling overall median.
The impact of an economic slowdown also varies by geography, which Hira thinks explains why the Washington-Baltimore area is doing much better than New York and New Jersey. Median pay for staff in Washington-Baltimore rose this year to $95,000 from $92,000, while median pay for IT staffers fell from $90,000 to $85,000 for those in New York, northern New Jersey, and Long Island, which depends more on banking.
But it's not just Wall Street tech pros feeling nervous about jobs. The state of the economy has everyone nervous in Maine, says Keith Gosselin, who runs IT for Biddeford Savings, a four-branch community bank in southern Maine. Gosselin has seen most of the bank's IT operations outsourced, so his job is a mix of managing vendors right down to fixing a fouled-up fax machine. Gosselin, who joined the bank about five years ago after working for it while running his own IT services company, is unusual in getting "a bump" of about 3% in salary for passing the Certified Information Security Management exam, on top of a 3% raise; just 7% of staffers say they got a bonus based on certification, our survey finds. A recruiter has his resumé, but "for now, I'll sit still unless something great comes up."
This is a global IT talent market, and U.S. pros must be aware of what work is vulnerable to being outsourced to lower-cost countries, from India to South America. IT pros believe that the trend's hurting the overall profession, but surprisingly few see it hurting their careers personally, our survey finds.
Economic theory tells us that jobs vulnerable to offshoring will face the most wage pressure, but jobs that are difficult to do remotely and must stay in the United States could actually see wages rise. Among those "sticky" jobs are positions with customer-facing roles such as analysts, as well as those too sensitive to offshore, such as security, says professor Erran Carmel of American University's Kogod School of Business, who also chairs the IT department. However, our salary survey shows pay for a variety of "analyst" jobs either flat or down. Business analysts, for example, earn a median $75,000, down from $80,000 last year. Pay for security staffers continues to rise, up $3,000 to $83,000.
Robert "Woody" Weaver says he's found a sweet spot in the global IT competition. As an IBM IT security architect consultant, he's doing "customer-facing" work for the federal government, having recently finished an assignment for the Veterans Affairs Department; he now has an engagement related to a five-year contract IBM has with U.S. Customs. "I was doing systems integration work in the commercial sector, and that's more boom or bust, whether people are buying equipment," Weaver says. Having a security clearance--not difficult for a nonfelon to get, but it can take awhile--adds job stability.
It's been a good year for Weaver in terms of raises--7%, plus a small bonus, in part for doing work outside his IT-specific duties, such as helping prepare sales material for other contract bids, mentoring, and helping with documentation. Weaver, who's been working as a contractor since 1996, also spent many years as a college professor of computer science and math. "I've been in this for 30 years," he says.
Anna Gathright is in the private sector and doesn't feel much pressure from offshore competition. This year brought her a 9% raise, tied to her promotion to systems administrator from programmer at Murphy Oil, an oil and gas company in south central Arkansas. "Both jobs are very stable," she says, and not particularly vulnerable.
Another factor possibly dragging down pay trends is baby boomers retiring, says David Foote of IT salary research firm Foote Partners. Retiring senior IT workers usually are replaced by younger individuals who are often paid a lower salary for the same job, he says.


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JOHNSTON, Iowa—Michael Biundo, the national political director of Rick Santorum's presidential campaign, expressed confidence about his chances tonight — and predicted that his surge will continue nationally.
Santorum, who has practically moved to the Hawkeye State over the past few months, has risen from the low single digits to within points of front-runner Mitt Romney in recent days.
"He's gone out an did it the traditional way. People appreciate it," Biundo said, refusing to say where he expects Santorum will perform tonight.
"Two weeks ago you were saying we'd be coming in dead last," he said. "This is the little engine that could campaign. Whatever happens here tonight we're going to be coming out of here with more momentum than we had two weeks ago. We feel very well positioned to keep going. No matter what you guys say we're going to keep plugging along."
The aide also pushed back on Romney's assertion that Santorum is a career Washington insider, saying "Mitt Romney could have been a longtime insider, but he didn't win."
Biundo said fundraising has tripled in pace over the last two weeks, but refused to provide a specific dollar amount. Asked whether Santorum can whether the expected onslaught of negative advertising from Mitt Romney and his SuperPAC if he performs well, Biundo said he can.
"We've learned something from everyone's experiences. We're going to have enough resources to compete. We're confident that Rick has the right message, that it will be brought to the voters, and that they will like it."
Santorum will travel to New Hampshire tomorrow and remain there until the primary,
save for a quick trip to South Carolina on Sunday afternoon. His campaign is already airing ads in both states.
"We've been in South Carolina more than anyone else — 26 times," he added, predicting that he will do well in the Palmetto State, widely considered conservatives' last chance to stop Mitt Romney.
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Apparently Anna she skipped right over summer and is ready for fall in her leather-sleeved jacket, black Citizens of Humanity skinnies and patent leather shoes. The actress adds a hit of color with a bright coral pout at the Governors Ball music festival kick off party in N.Y.C.
Taylor Hill/WireImage