text:
Dr. Skullthumper's talkpage, now with tits. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 22:40 Jun 14, 2010
Quit drinking
And ban the blanking IP. MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 06:37, June 24, 2010 (UTC)
- "Hi. I'm Skully and I'm too busy to ban a blanker cause I'm protecting TOAST. Yep. Takes me an hour to do anything." MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 06:41, June 24, 2010 (UTC)
- Actually, he did ban the blanker. Go look. Love,
John Cena
I had no real intention of this page ever being published user:maniac1075/John Cena but Alister In Chains have convinced me I should ask you to open the page for editing... tho, I could see your reasons not to as well hahah ---Maniac1075Complain Here 13:56, June 25, 2010 (UTC)
The UnSignpost Is Not Dead!
Just like Grandma used to make!
Jun 24th, 2010 • Issue 86 • Oh yeah, the UnSignpost, I remember that...
Conservation Week Approaches
Fancy watering Uncyclopedia's forestry? Want to be a good conservationist? Fancy taking up the rewriting sword of justice, and righteously smiting the dragon of shit writing? Actually, the hell with that, do you want to take a bunch of bad articles, and make them suck less? Then you, my friend, are in luck!
Conservation Week 2010 starts on July 5th, and actively encourages users to scour the wiki (perhaps through judicious use of Special:Random, or possibly through exploration of Category:Rewrite or Category:Ideas or even Special:Lonelypages), find lame articles that they consider are taking up the very space which could be occupied by something less sucky, and then using their skill and judgement to turn those articles into shining examples of comedic writing.
As this is a competition dedicated to simultaneously reducing the number of useless articles on the wiki and increasing the number of good ones, some naysayers believe it to be completely pointless - Uncyclopedia is the worst, they say, and no amount of well-intentioned competitions can change that. But were it to exist, the Cabal would probably beg to differ. They may call it something like "a genuinely good thing", and "a ray of hope, signalling that occasionally, even the most worthless dreck may be redeemed".
So if you think what your userpage is missing is a template called the "Greasy Mechanic Award", then prepare to rewrite like you've never re-written before. Just don't forget to make your new version better than the original.
Something summarizing the events of the last month or so
It has been said by one of our esteemed administrators here at UnSignpost that if it wasn't reported in the UnSignpost, then it didn't happen. As there has been no UnSignpost produced for the last few days, due to one of the editors having a real life, and another one being lazy, there are several things that didn't happen.
Yes, the loss of the UnSignpost for so long sent a shiver down the spines of many an Uncyclopedian. So much so that one member of the community decided that it was timely to look at a new way to produce the UnSignpost. One such idea was to release a monthly periodical in the place of USP. Although there has been several attempts by this reporter to obtain a quote from said insurrectional community member, to date no response has been heard.
As part of the ongoing struggle to maintain our independent stance from Wikia, several members decided that it would be a wise idea to create a way to cash in on the popularity of the site. As such the UnShoppe has been created, where you may purchase any one of a number of Uncyclopedia-related pieces of merchandise. So far all purchases have been made by the individuals who created the store. However, if you are looking for the place to buy a shirt that shows that your nipples have been featured, that a wizard did something, whatever it was, and that you have an in-depth knowledge of who Dan Kwon is.
There was a competition. Congratulations go to mrthejazz, who got the pun.
Imperial Colonisation has taken a brief hiatus after the new head of IC became the old head of IC. He was an Australian, and his example has inspired the entire nation so much that the new head of Parliament for the country is now the old head of parliament. Congratulations go out to the new new head of IC.
A strange bandwagon has been created by a drunken Bonner, who has challenged all and sundry to ask him anything at all. As such there are various forums dedicated to asking regular Uncyclopedian members things. These previously were known as user talk pages, but who can stand in the way of progress?
And that's all that didn't happen. Although now it's listed in UnSignpost that means it actually did happen. Which suggests that by editing UnSignpost I have the power to change the past. If I could change anything about the past, what would it be?
I had sex with a real person![1]
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
A new UnSignpost issue, another template spammed onto your talkpage, enjoy! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 13:31, 24 June 2010
Look at this
Posted a better suggestion--DirectorWILLYOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 05:21, June 26, 2010 (UTC)
I guess your right
I suppose we do not need a rule for this. Once again, I have an idea to make it Uncyclopedia a better, yet once again, it sucked big blue whale balls that are covered with bitter tasting sprinkles of epic fail drenched in pools of liquid elephant shit mixed with the face of Lady Gaga.--DirectorWILLYOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 05:37, June 26, 2010 (UTC)
Errr Skully
You mind doing your contest in a different hour so us poor shmoes who aren't lucky enough to live on the Eastern Sea Board gets to participate? 12 EST is 5am GMT! ~ 23:05, June 27, 2010 (UTC)
- That's what I said. -- uptight Ape (spit) (Riot Porn)
- I know =( There's been some discussion in the forum itself on that. The problem is, any earlier and people who live on the west coast of the US of A will likely be busy (it's before 9pm), and any later and, well, how would you feel about getting up early? I could postpone it a few hours. But earlier probably won't work. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:09 Jun 27, 2010
- How about in a couple of days we do the same but in GMT version? ~ 23:11, June 27, 2010 (UTC)
- I totally said this hours ago. --ChiefjusticeGameBoy 23:11, June 27, 2010 (UTC)
- No problem with doing it again. But for this particular run I'm gonna have to stay with midnight EST. Either way we're cutting a lot of people out. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:13 Jun 27, 2010
- If we do it at like 2am GMT then at least everyone will be awake. -- uptight Ape (spit) (Riot Porn) 23:36, June 27, 2010 (UTC)
- And busy. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:39 Jun 27, 2010
- I'd say that Skull thought this up, so we play by his rules. The kid who's got the only ball gets to pick the venue. Al minutes later
- And busy. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:39 Jun 27, 2010
- If we do it at like 2am GMT then at least everyone will be awake. -- uptight Ape (spit) (Riot Porn) 23:36, June 27, 2010 (UTC)
- No problem with doing it again. But for this particular run I'm gonna have to stay with midnight EST. Either way we're cutting a lot of people out. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:13 Jun 27, 2010
- I totally said this hours ago. --ChiefjusticeGameBoy 23:11, June 27, 2010 (UTC)
- How about in a couple of days we do the same but in GMT version? ~ 23:11, June 27, 2010 (UTC)
Nice job
Nice idea, and very interesting results. We have an abundance of talent here, this proves it in a seeable and direct fashion. Eat your heart out Ed. Which he did already. I stopped scoring after an hour, thought that your rules were an hour to write and an hour to score. Time to sign off, but wanted to congratulate you before I did. Yay. Aleister 6:28 28 6 MMX
- Yeah, the rules kind of fell apart after the first hour. Took me forever to nominate all that junk. I certainly didn't count on twenty-three articles, I mean, jeez. Anyway, I wrote a little summary here: Forum:Hourly writing contest: Aftermath. And thank you for participating! – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 06:57 Jun 28, 2010
Quote pls kthxbai
So yeah, I know you wrote a comprehensive forum detailing your feelings about it and everything, but I'm here looking for an exclusive quote for the good ol' Signpost on how you felt the Writing Contest went. This may or may not include reference to how awesome you consider yourself to be, exaggerations of the size of your penis, or other such stuff. Thoughts, please? --UU - natter 10:38, Jun 28
- Sure. I'll get on that. I swear – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 02:09 Jun 29, 2010
Mercy move
I moved your entry into that hour writing thing contest here, in case you want to save it for posterity, or, God forbid, make it readable. The idea is brilliant, at least. Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 19:59, June 28, 2010 (UTC)
- Thanks, I guess. I mean, it already survived VFD, so I don't know what it's doing in userspace (had it not, it would have been deleted without a move). So um. Yeah. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 02:09 Jun 29, 2010
- bottom line i would rather you have deleted it – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 02:11 Jun 29, 2010
- Okay, deleted it, on the grounds that the entire point of the contest was "sudden death", if your article didn't make the grade it died. So, yeah. Continuing by those rules. Thanks for the consideration, though! – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 02:14 Jun 29, 2010
- You're welcome, of course. I salute the huge waste of time you instigated, even if I didn't get to play. Cheers! Rev. Zim (Talk) Get saved! 18:48, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
Why is the contest sign still up?--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 02:16, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
- It's not; your browser cache sucks balls. lrn2internet – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 02:17 Jun 29, 2010
- Maybe, I'll just hit dismiss and that'll solve the problem--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 17:58, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
wow, you're back!? awesome! and starting things that are really fun, apparently. um...i think that was all i wanted to say...oh yeah, hi! 07:28, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
- Hullo! What've you been up to?! – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 07:45 Jun 29, 2010
- grad school has been the main thing keeping me from uncyc. but things have settled down and i miss it so...i figure the time is ripe for me to at least try to be around more often. 08:00, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
- College has pretty much raped my free time, but now I'm going to be majoring in an easier subject than computer science (dunno what) and I should have a lot more time for online sort of things. Hopefully. If not here, elsewhere on the 'nets. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 08:16 Jun 29, 2010
- grad school has been the main thing keeping me from uncyc. but things have settled down and i miss it so...i figure the time is ripe for me to at least try to be around more often. 08:00, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
You got......the honour to block me, CartoonistHenning, for ever. Now I'm asking you to get the honour to unblock me. Or you can at least unlock my userpages (incl. talk), if you're not that evil | CartoonistHenning 13:05, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
- Mr Cartoonist, I would be happy to unblock you, but please note that civil behaviour is an important part of what makes a community. Behaviour contrary to this will be met with the degree of severity it deserves.... -- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
- I would love to. But you're kind of a dick. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 00:16 Jun 30, 2010
Thanks!!! <3
All the news that's unfit to print!
The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!
Jul 1st, 2010 • Issue 87 • More news than something with less news than us
Things getting boring on the wiki? Time to write at speed!
We're still waiting for that, but until it arrives, Skull's hour-long writing contest will do nicely. Shamelessly pinching Cajek's idea of time-limited writing competitions (which brought us such classics as HowTo:Sexually Stimulate an Ant, lest we forget), but putting his own distinct spin on it, Uncyc's own mad Doctor challenged Uncyclopedians to write an article in a single hour that would survive VFD. Given Uncyclopedia's well-known exacting quality standards, this promised to be a tough task, but a surprising number of people were up for it.
And so it was that a frenzy erupted across the wiki, and baffled Europeans and other users not around at the time awoke the next day to a slew of brand new articles, not all of which ended up being deleted. They liked the idea so much, they held their own a couple of days later.
When asked to comment on his brainchild, the commotion and excitement it had caused, and the size of his penis, Dr. Skullthumper exclusively told us "Sure. I'll get on that. I swear".
Things getting boring on the wiki? Time to start pointless drama!
Giant evil multinational wiki-hosting conglomerate Wikia won a major victory last month, when a rebellion by a small but dedicated band of anti-capitalist radicals was brutally put down by a bunch of fascistic Wikia-collaborators. Or at least, that's what happened in the heads of Carlb, Roye7777777 and CartoonistHenning after they nailed their anti-Wikia manifesto to the metaphorical door of Uncyclopedia's metaphorical Wittenberg Cathedral.
The 1,000-word anti-Wikia tract, despite the shocking and previously unknown revelation that Wikia was not in fact the wiki-hosting charity that it claimed to be, but rather a commercial company, failed to ignite a spontaneous revolt against Wikia among the Uncyclopedia community.
A heated and sexually-charge discussion ensued, with strong arguments offered by both sides. However, it seems that some people were unable to grasp the enormity of the revelation that Wikia's motives were less than altruistic. Eventually, the thread descended into an all-out flamewar and a waaaaaaaaaaaaaahmbulance was called to treat the injured.
"We may have lost this round," Carlb told UnSignpost reporters "but it is only a temporary setback. One day, the tyranny of Wikia will be no more. Our revenge will be the laughter of our children."
It is rumoured that Carlb, Roye7777777 and CartoonistHenning will employ Black Bloc tactics at the next Wikia conference in an attempt to escalate the struggle against Wikia oppression.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
--ChiefjusticeGameBoy 12:05, July 1, 2010 (UTC)
Horace blablah whatever
I've asked a checkuser, but to hasten things up - is that Pinky? ~ 13:30, July 2, 2010 (UTC)
- I don't actually know. Also, because I'm stupid, is HH (on IRC) Horace whoever? – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 15:28 Jul 02, 2010
- Didn't you tell in the block log that this is pinky? ~ 18:14, July 2, 2010 (UTC)
- Alright, I have to admit: I am super confused. What are you talking about? – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 06:19 Jul 03, 2010
- Do you know if this asshat is Pinky? MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 06:31, July 3, 2010 (UTC)
- OH. No I do not. I just know he came on IRC, pleaded his case to me, and swore not to vote on VFH for two weeks. I'm pretty sure I said "pinky swore..." in the block log, which isn't Pinky, but rather an expression. Heh, forgot we had a user named Pinky, honestly. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 06:46 Jul 03, 2010
- Do you know if this asshat is Pinky? MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 06:31, July 3, 2010 (UTC)
- Alright, I have to admit: I am super confused. What are you talking about? – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 06:19 Jul 03, 2010
- To give a late
intrusionanswer, HH is Hiatus Hernia.--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Thursday, 06:24, July 08 2010 UTC
- Didn't you tell in the block log that this is pinky? ~ 18:14, July 2, 2010 (UTC)
Signpost: normal service resumed
All your readers are belong to us
Jul 8th, 2010 • Issue 88 • Hand-stitched for comfort
Conservation week: how's it going, and what is it anyway?
Conservation week has been running since autumn 2007, starting life in Jocke Pirat's userspace, and spending a confused few hours being called the rewrite-a-thon in an early attempt to get around the whole week-fortnight thing. The first iteration was a resounding success, and about 38 people signed up to rewrite over 50 articles (with Zombiebaron hilariously missing the point and going on a deletion spree instead), making the current iteration look like it has some work to do. However, there was no quality control at the outset - if an article was rewritten in any way, that was deemed good enough. Some of those early articles may well have been made worse, we just don't know (or can't be bothered to check).
Quality control arrived later on, when erstwhile gentleman editor of this very organ Gerrycheevers stepped up to run the first 2009 CW, and ran the rule over all the rewrites personally, so that the attendant award was only bestowed on those doing quality rewrites. That task this year falls to Dexter111344, who has promised to be "harsh but harsh". Probably.
So, with a prize on offer to the person with the most high quality rewrites, and plenty of time left in which to do said rewrites, the only question left is: "why haven't you entered yet"? We asked this question of one completely random user, and he exclusively told us "because I'm busy writing this week's issue of the UnSignpost, duh!"
Image Request: A Retrospective
Established in March 2005 by a user called Machinecurse, this page has been the domain of most of the legends of Uncyc image manipulation at one time or another - as one 'chopper has left, another has arisen to take their place, in some kind of Potatochop Royal Succession stylee. Or something. Whatever, the likes of Paulgb, Zombiebaron, Seeker, Sonje and, more recently, KneeChee27 and MeepStarLives have slaved over hot image editing software to fulfil the esoteric image requirements of the Uncyclopedia populace.
The response time has always varied on the page, as it largely depends on how active the 'choppers are at the time, how achievable the requests actually are, and how polite the request is. But for those with a little patience, it is undoubtedly a useful resource in the ongoing quest for that perfect image of Mario and Master Chief riding Pikachu down the Death Star Trench run. Or something. Have a look at the gallery to see some of the more recent work.
|UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox
Oh dear god, am I really doing this again? --UU - natter 10:47, Jul 9
Have put a redirect to Ethine's Skype page and put a protect on it, so that both pages now exist. Ethine seems somewhat keen to keep her little side project under her page where it was originally created. This isn't meant as a criticism but sometimes it pays to ask the person who created the page if they mind you moving it before you do.... :) Anyhoo...nice to see you around these parts... -- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
- Thanks for the heads up. Actually, it was originally created under my userspace - being it was my little side project - and I only moved it to her userspace because she seemed interested in running it, and it didn't seem appropriate to keep it under my userspace anymore.
- Recently, however, she has left her post as the person running UnSkype, and it's something taken over by a few other users along with myself. So I was faced with a choice - move it back to my userspace (even though I'm not the only one running it anymore as I had in the beginning), or just say to hell with it and put it in the main Uncyclopedia space. I chose the latter, as it seemed to make more sense.
- I would have asked Ethine personally, but because she has voluntarily vacated her position, and it was my project in the first place, I didn't see the need.
- If you'd like to leave a redirect, go ahead, but as it is not her project, I don't honestly see the point.
- Thank you, – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:43 Jul 11, 2010
- P.S. I note that it is back in her userspace, now. I'd like to put in my request to have it moved back to the space I designated for it. I'd say I have the authority to do so as the creator of the project and the original author of the page itself. However, I'll await your ruling on the matter, so as to avoid conflict. I'd just like to emphasize that it is currently headed by other users, not her. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:47 Jul 11, 2010
- UnSkype is being run by others? That seems odd- I'm signed into Skype right now in the chat, and I believe she's the host. --Andorin Kato 23:53, July 11, 2010 (UTC)
- The chatroom can be found at http://unskype.crazyburd.net/chat if you like. That's an unofficial room. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:57 Jul 11, 2010
- If I understand correctly, there are four problems with your statement.
- The channel is currently being run primarily by Dex and EMC, who, in our correspondence, don't at all portray it the way you do. As I understand it, they agree that both rooms are "official".
- Ethine has not "voluntarily" left, so much as had the channel forcibly removed from her control without prior notification or discussion as to the terms and details of it.
- The Unskype project was collaborative, and undertaken in cooperation with Ethine, who has played a significant role in its development. Your statement implies that she worked for you in this endeavor. I should hope that you're ready to pay her severance if this was the case.
- Weren't you going to take a leave of absence? Is this how you try to cool down ire against your bad self, by waving your admin e-peen and causing drama? I'd further this diatribe, but you already seem to have missed the point of your own sabbatical.
- Fish heads, fish heads, roly poly fish heads.
- Cheers. --Flammable 21:34, July 12, 2010 (UTC)
- If I understand correctly, there are four problems with your statement.
- The chatroom can be found at http://unskype.crazyburd.net/chat if you like. That's an unofficial room. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:57 Jul 11, 2010
I have not voluntarily vacated my position, it is and always has been a cooperative project. The implication was not that I was not working for you, but simply that we were working together. Love,
- I actually don't have much time to get involved in what appears at first glance to be another potential dramafest, to be honest I'm not really that bothered who started what and who was "in charge", if you are doing something for the community it is about the community, not our own egos, and if personal differences arise between individuals involved, because hey, we're human, then its time for people to nut up and ask are you still doing something to benefit the community or because of something lacking in our own lives. If neither of you feel that you are capable of working together then maybe you should both step aside and let someone else take over? From what I can see from the outside, between you you are creating a neat little schism amongst the users that are UnSkyping in forcing them to use one group or the other, which no matter how you dress it up is not serving the community in any way and creating unnecessary drama we can do without. Again, this is just my opinion as an external observer.... -- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
- FWIW, I went as a mediator for the Ethine and the, at the time, active channel admin, Dex. Aside from DrS saying all kinds of wacky things that were not agreed upon on their end, everything seems to be pretty peachy. In fact, there's a lot of good vibes coming form the split, since each channel seems to serve different purposes. Everyone seems pretty happy with the new arrangement, except for DrS, who seems to be doing his own thing. By the way, everyone is welcome to join both channels, and Ethine, Dex, and I will have the details for both channels up on the UN:Skype page when I move it into the mainspace later tonight. And then we will have Murderball tournaments.--Flammable 21:40, July 12, 2010 (UTC)
By the way, we should move this shit into the dump: Forum:UnSkype
Another UnSignpost! Rejoice!
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
Jul 15th, 2010 • Issue 89 • Made with 100% recycled vuvuzelas
The 40+ club expands
We asked them all for quotes, and Mhaille exclusively told us: ""Go eat more shit, fuckers"...obviously I am excited to have reached the BIG 4-0, and am delighted that enough of my peers deem the quality of my work good enough to have reached that figure, although I have to say I'm a little pissed that at least 10 other of my articles are feature-worthy and are constant overlooked (lengthy bans will ensue, I'm sure), I am equally as proud of my featured images, as well as many of my other contributions that I hope that my peers feel have augmented the work of others. That I am still here after five long years, and still contributing says something about Uncyclopedia itself. What that is, I wouldn't like to speculate. But sometimes you have to in order to accumulate. Apparently." Which is such a long quote we're going to need at least one blatant filler box in the right-hand panel. Bastard.
Meanwhile, Modus exclusively told us "It's not that myself and Mhaille have written so very many great and fantastic pages that have, and will continue to, entertain the people for years to come. It's just that Mhaille did. "I" am one of his many sockpuppets. He writes as "Modusoperandi" when he needs a page without a "foreign" accent. Look around. There are a bunch more Mhaille sockpuppets here, too. Hyperbole, for one. Mhaille is like a wet Mogwai." Which is more concise, and therefore OK.
Finally, Hype exclusively commented: "I'd like to say thank you to Uncyclopedia for voting to feature my many excellent, high-quality articles, including the drunken insistence that you accept a diseased poodle, the song about having sex with sporting goods, and the blatantly racist tirade about having to wait too long for a Pee Review. Writing 39.5 features has been literally the most important accomplishment I will ever have in my life. I look forward to continuing to service each and every one of you in the future." Which was nice of him.
So, the burning question now has to be: who will be first to 50? Modus obviously has the lead, but Mhaille is writing in greater volume than he has for some time, and if Hype keeps up the pace, he's probably a good bet. But they're not the only candidates - Sog is coming up the rails rapidly, and could reach the 40 mark even quicker than Hype - could he overtake the lot of them? The only thing certain is that with these guys around, Uncyc should be assured of some half-decent articles amongst the dross.
World Cup over - Romartus struggling for UnNews inspiration
The scourge of Junior Uncyclopedia has discovered his muse in the planet's biggest sporting event, and has been cranking out UnNews articles on the subject at an alarming rate. Now, without Jabulani balls, biting tackles and Messi long shots to inspire him, what is there to inspire him to maintain such prolific standards?
Suspicions abound that the Tour De France is passing him by, he seems far too English to care about the various draft and transfer shenanigans in the NFL and NBA and the like, and as the only story to emerge from golf's Open Championship so far is Tiger Woods changing his putter (wow, someone hold me back), that seems unlikely to unleash his inner news-hound. With a worrying lack of global sporting tournaments on the horizon, will we have to wait another 4 years for the next Romartus article splurge? Stay tuned to UnNews to find out!
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—Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 09:48, 16 July 2010
Read all about it! The UnSignpost rides again!
The Newspaper That Wonders What Happened To You. You Used To Be Cool.
Jul 22nd, 2010 • Issue 90 • Suddenly, Signpost!
UnNews hits warp factor Whore
That bastard child of Uncyclopedia and WikiNews, UnNews, is in full-on whoring mode. Tired of being relegated to the bilge hold of Uncyc, staff have collectively and to a man, woman or it, decided to resort to the time-honored tradition of whoring themselves for attention.
2010 is shaping up to be a record year for lots of stuff, which I am too lazy to actually reference. We've had lots of cool coding happenings, resulting in a facelift to the Main Page, and a really cool navigation bar giving access to a plethora (well, 7 sections in fact) of sections including Sports, Comics, Editorials, and special coverage of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
Contributors to UnNews of note are Funnybony, SPIKE, Romartus, Modusoperandi, Mordillo, Multiliteralist, PuppyOnTheRadio, Happytimes, Matt lobster and MrN9000 (when the bugger's here). Apologies to anybody I've missed.
The Newsroom, home to nefarious plots and odd ideas, has once again become an active core of resistance against Uncyc's unofficial policy of ignoring us.
Always leading edge, UnNews is acquiring a stable of notable personalities for a new series of Uncolumns called "Reductio ad Hitlerum", a guest column that invites persons of note to do an article for us, usually under threat of blackmail. Discussion here, first RaH column here by guest Sarah Palin.
Techno gets Mhaille'd
The award is, unusually on vote-happy Uncyclopedia, not decided on by voting, but is bestowed at the sole discretion of feature-monster, bureaucrat, whoring legend and token Liverpool fan Mhaille, according to his own criteria. Looking down the list of previous winners - Shandon, ENeGMA, Tompkins, Zombiebaron, Prettiestpretty, Savethemooses and the rest, it's pretty clear that the good Rabbi is a) in good company, and b) not going to be here much longer.
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--ChiefjusticeGameBoy 13:46, July 22, 2010 (UTC)
Ban of Cartoonist Henning
Dear Dr. Skullthumper,
Recently, you have permabanned the Ambassador of the Oncyclopedia Neerlandica, CartoonistHenning, for "stirring drama" about Wikia and its commercial goals.
I have no intent of continuing that discussion any further; I am here to ask for unbanning Henning.
First of all, it seems the main reason for the ban was a Dutch comment in the forum in which Henning asked for Uncyclopedia's support in his fight against Wikia. It seems people thought he was swearing in that comment. This is not true. It was rather a sarcastic comment. Bitter at most, but certainly no strong language. Also, if strong language were the standard for banning someone, Henning was not the only one to be banned.
Secondly, as an Ambassador of the Oncyclopedia Neerlandica, I believe that Henning should have some sort of immunity, unless of course he commits serious vandalism or really insults people personally, but for petty things such as a native language comment... no.
Thirdly, in your summary of the ban reason, you claimed that "we", the Oncyclopedia, banned Manticore for the same reason. This is also false. Manticore had, reportedly, used his power to insult a well-respected Oncyclopedia user and had him banned afterwards. He also vandalised the Oncyclopedia multiple times.
Therefore, I ask you to either shorten the ban or undo it altogether. It would really be a pity if the Uncyclopedia, referring to itself as the central Uncyc, banned the representative of an entire Uncyc. I am sure that Henning and all the others would really appreciate it if you unban him.
I hope you will reply, preferably positively, as soon as possible.
Thanking you in advance,
Dutch Chief Translator for the Foreign Office
User:Lars863/sig | 19:40, July 23, 2010 (UTC)
- I don't know where you've got that notion about "immunity". There is no such thing. Also, I like seeing how, as always, the whole story about DGNeree is, yet again, distorted to the point of breaking time-space continuum. ~ 19:50, July 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Well, either way round, I don't think the ban of Manticore can be used as a reason for Henning's ban. The banning of Manticore, I believe, was not his decision, and, no matter how "distorted" the story has become", Manticore broke Oncyclopedia's rules and seriously offended one of the most important users. And even if that argument falls altogether, I still believe that his "foul" was rather petty and that his contribution to the different Uncycs should also be taken into account. Also, I asked Dr. Skullthumber for an answer and no-one else. User:Lars863/sig | 20:29, July 23, 2010 (UTC)
- I was referring to DGNeree's ban on this wiki that was, by the way, done by Olipro not by Manticore. And you better watch your manners, jongetje, or you'll be joining the ban brigade. ~ 21:06, July 23, 2010 (UTC)
- Do you get a free tshirt? "I was banned from Uncyclopedia and all I got was this lousy tshirt...." -- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
- I was referring to DGNeree's ban on this wiki that was, by the way, done by Olipro not by Manticore. And you better watch your manners, jongetje, or you'll be joining the ban brigade. ~ 21:06, July 23, 2010 (UTC)
- To be honest, most of this is completely unnecessary, by repeatedly coming here going through the same issue you are in danger of losing all the support you have on Uncyclopedia. We are always going to have differences of opinion as to how to do things, but by antagonising users (and admins) alike your original message has long since been forgotten, and we just end up with two sides entrenched in opposing views. -- Sir Mhaille (talk to me)
That was boring. Let's start over.
Dear Dr. Skullthumper,
Recently, it has come to my attention that you are a "fan" of the Facebook pages "Circle K", "Metro Division of New Jersey District Circle K International", "SPC Circle K", "Rutgers University Circle K", "Pennsylvania District of Circle K International", "Ohio District of Circle K International", "New York Pennsylvania District of Circle K International", and "Circle K International".
What the fuck is your problem?
Thanking you in advance,
Chief Engineer for the Starship Enterprise in my Fan Fiction
pillow talk 21:15, July 28, 2010 (UTC)
It's new and it's news! It's the latest UnSignpost!
Now with 20% more ninjas!
Aug 5th, 2010 • Issue 91 • I love it when the news comes together
VFD minimum time limit introduced
Further to that, the minimum score required for deletion is in the process of being clarified, so that either a score of at least +5 in favour of deletion will be required before the trigger-happy admins fire up their huffing devices, or 5 keep votes will automatically exempt an article from deletion. One of those. Probably. The number 5 seems certain to be involved, whatever the outcome.
Hopefully, this will ensure that BUTT POOP is never deleted again. At least, such is our understanding.
Sorry about that. We will now follow this with an article with no relation to news whatsoever, to try and make it up to you.
Uncyc Fantasy Football draft off to racing start
So far, the results have surpassed the expectations of all except noted optimist Bradaphraser. Three days in, and seven of the record fourteen competitors have picked a single player each, making this the slowest process since BP started trying to cap that goddamn oil leak.
This year's competition promises to be more open than the last, including as it does Joe9320, who admits to knowing nothing about the sport, preferring AFL, and noted British namby-pamby "soccer" fan UU, who has somehow agreed to become an Indianapolis Colts fan for the duration of the season. Hence his adding a picture of what he is assured is the awesome Peyton Manning into this very article. With the likes of the here-one-week-gone-for-a-month Gerrycheevers also involved in the process, it could well end up taking long enough to be ready by the start of the 2011-12 season.
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—Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 15:42, 5 August 2010
Ruddy hell! It's the UnSignpost
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
Aug 19thish, 2010 • Issue 92 • Does anyone actually read this bit?
UnReviews - get involved!
So how can YOU help? Well, we would have thought that was obvious, to be honest, but as we're dealing with Uncyclopedians here, we'll make it a little clearer: write an UnReview! You could go down the road of Modus's magnum opus UnMovie Review: The Dark Knight, and make a movie review, you could get all cultured on our asses, and go Shakespearian, or you could review something else entirely. The choice is, quite literally, yours!
Something helpful this way comes
TKF has already started the ball rolling with a challenging audio request which is likely to be an early acid test for the project. If you have a Casio keyboard and some decent audio skills, get across there and get this thing working!
So, how can you get involved? Well, if you are skilled at adding awesome to pages in some way, watchlist the page, check it regularly, and stop hogging your wiki-fu to yourself! If you are in need of added awesomeness on your page, pop in a request and see what happens. If nothing else, it'll make Meep feel good about himself, and that's what it's all about, when you get right down to it. Right?
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--ChiefjusticeGameBoy 11:49, August 20, 2010 (UTC)
eat shit and die
i fucking hate you
congrats on your fifth non-consecutive win -- TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 01:27, September 1, 2010 (UTC)
UnSignpost - This is definitely not late; you're just drunk
The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Do- AAAAAA
Sept 9th, 2010 • Issue 93 • Our definition of "weekly" may not match yours
The pee is weak - must be time for Pee Week!
Yes, it would appear to be nearly time for the inaugural Uncyclopedia Pee Week! It starts on Monday 13th September. So, the questions must be asked:
If the answer to at least one of those questions is "yes", you could be on your way to winning this soon-to-be prestigious competition! Just sign up here, and prepare to review as you've never reviewed before!
The best of the 5.5 years super-extravaganza begins!
That's right, on the fifth of every month, a new vote will start to determine the best somethingorother of the 5.5 years that Uncyc has been in existence. This month's vote is already open, and it's for the writer of the 5.5 years. So get over there, vote, and make your voice heard! Again.
Asked for his feelings on seeing his brainchild getting off the ground like this, TKF exclusively told us: "My grand-uncle used to tell me "He who goes forth with a fifth on the Fourth, may not come forth on the fifth!" and I feel that's somehow relevant to this situation."
Anyone pointing out that by the time this finishes, Uncyclopedia will be around 6 years old will be asked not to point it out again.
UnNews main page
Someone suggested to completely revamp the UnNews main page and in an epic move of Uncyclopedia originality, decided to hold a vote on it. Some people farted.
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Is this you?
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/books/product.aspx?ean=2940011859953 --Pleb SYNDROME CUN medicate (butt poop!!!!) 05:12, October 31, 2010 (UTC)
- Yes. Buy it. It's good. Working on the second one right now. – Sir Skullthumper, MD (criticize • writings • SU&W) 23:41 Nov 03, 2010
UnSignpost - The UnSignpost Rides Again!
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
Nov 11th, 2010 • Issue 94 • The Newspaper that shaves you closer!
The UnSignpost Rides Again!
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, the Rebels attained victory over the Imperial Empire and the last UnSignpost flopped onto talk pages. The drought came as Under user announced that he had a life to be getting on with, and at that point the UnSignpost simply stopped writing itself. Some people have suggested that these two events may be linked somehow, but until we see proof, we have resolved to live in ignorance. However as we hurtle towards the end of the year it would seem the magic has returned and the newspaper that confusingly contains neither news or paper will once again be arriving on talk pages
Newer recipients of the UnSignpost are urged to suggest ideas for stories in the press room; this helps as it means we don't need to pay attention to anything you people do every day. For now, please welcome the UnSignpost back into your homes and hearts... please?
Speak up!
Competition founder MadMax was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press, so we have made something up instead: "The competition was a great success and I would like to thank everyone who took part; especially ChiefjusticeDS who is absolutely fantastic and whom I owe many drinks", he might have said. The Article Whisperer is expected to take place again next year, and MadMax might have said "Take part or die", but probably not.
The Aristocrat's
Few competitions stir the loins more than The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, self described as Uncyclopedia's festival of frivolity and bad taste. The competition has three categories:
If you aren't a writer (we are led to believe some people are not), then 3 Judges are needed for each of the above categories (see here). Seriously, this will be so much fun you will wish we did it twice a year... maybe. The competition opens on November 19th, so put on a stout pair of writing trousers and get going!
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Read All About It!
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
Nov 18th, 2010 • Issue 95 • The Newspaper that won't leave you the same way she/he did!
Wanna cyb3r?
Hailed by some as the final solution to the Uncyclopedia problem and others as a wretched hive of scum and villainy, the Uncyclopedia IRC channel has chugged along for almost the same amount of time Uncyclopedia itself has. We here at the UnSignpost have literally hundreds of stories to sort through every week and we have picked IRC for a reason, and not just because it is easy to spell. We chose it because the Uncyclopedia IRC is a community and often contains users who are never on the site (because they are lazy and idle), equally many users who frequent the site do not enter IRC (because they are idle and lazy), and those who do often prefer to do so in disguise. This is a disgrace, don't ask why, it just is.
Our intrepid reporters have spent literally minutes on IRC this week in order to bring news of it to you, the uneducated and unwashed masses and to try and encourage you to make use of it. Whatever you want to use it for: reporting vandals, penis jokes, collaboration, penis jokes and incoherent babbling; IRC is there for you. It is also a way to get to know the dull uninteresting personalities behind the exciting usernames, but don't let that put you off. When our intrepid reporter delved into the IRC community and asked the first person breathing in and out for a quote about IRC they told us "..." which should certainly give you food for thought.
If you have some time on your hands then why not learn how to windsurf? But if you are too idle and lazy then why not head on over to IRC and see the magic happening for yourself? I would and if I would it must be a good idea.
Balls up!
The stage is seated, the judges are set and the competitors are questionable in number, yes The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball is almost upon us. The competition opens this Friday and entries will be accepted until December the 3rd which is... a little while after that. Our hard-hitting journalists will be present at the competition and will be speaking to entrants and judges alike over the next few weeks. Just think; if you take part your name could be in italic font in the UnSignpost! Think about how envious your friends and family will be!
Remember, it begins on the 19th of November and we want to see blood!
We need you!
The UnSignpost is like an office printer, in that it constantly breaks down, sometimes doesn't work for months at a time and occasionally spews out some slightly smudged pages. If you think you have something to bring to the UnSignpost be it your journalistic talent, ideas for stories or even just a warm and reassuring slap in the face, feel free to drop us a line in the press room.
Also Meganew wanted us to mention the Grue Army in the UnSignpost, so we have.
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--ChiefjusticeGameBoy 14:38, November 18, 2010 (UTC)
Run for your lives! It's another UnSignpost.
The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!
Nov 25th, 2010 • Issue 96 • Putting the period in periodical!
Jimbo, Whales & The Worst 100
Those of you who regularly sit and stare at recent changes may well have seen a lot of tomfoolery with the site notice this week (that banner at the top which you dismissed two seconds after logging in). The reason for this is that somebody noticed that we are supposed to be a parody of Wikipedia and suggested we come up with something to parody Jimbo Wales' appeal. Zombiebaron duly obliged, then Lyrithya obliged too, then Olipro edited some code and the site notice you see today, or don't see, as the case may be, was created.
Well done, them. Honestly, we have nothing bad to say about it. Except that I hate it as I do most things that come about through a process of honest endeavour.
For those of you who didn't know, Jimbo does have an account on Uncyclopedia, an account he never uses, in rather the same way that I have a membership to a gym; I need one to be cool and so I have somewhere to hide when the black helicopters inevitably come for me. Jimbo is of course the co-founder of Wikia, which is rather like having helped build the Death Star except with less space and more super-lasers capable of destroying planets. Unfortunately, we haven't written a parody of the appeal yet. Well, we have, it just isn't very good. The team at the UnSignpost read both and after the laughter had died down we had a look at the Uncyclopedia one.... yeah.... but have our assurance, Uncyclopedia is working on improving it, and how could you doubt the people who brought you classics like Fisher Price and AAAAAAAAA!?
The other item of news we have this week is that the reflections on this year are woefully lacking. Hurtling as we are towards the new year and the annual Cabal broadcast, you may want to consider adding an entry to the list in order that the administrators can sleep soundly at night. We refuse to believe that nothing of note has happened over the last couple of months because we've been here and can attest that something has happened every day. So get over there and do the editing, we'll be right behind you.
Voting heats up
The "of the Month" awards are in something of a state of flux at the moment as voters and nominators become increasingly unwilling to vote (or care) in some cases and more willing in others. "It's a sad indictment of the way we live," lamented Socky when our reporter spoke to him, though he did say some other things once we asked him some questions.
This month on the Uncyclopedian of the Month award, Lyrithya has stormed ahead of competition, running up 16 votes at the time of going to press; we would say she was miles ahead of her opposition, but since she nominated both of them and voted for one of them we don't think she deserves it. When asked to comment, Lyrithya had this to say: "I hate you all". Meanwhile over on Writer of the Month, Romartus leads SPIKE by 7 votes. Neither of them were available to provide us with a quote, probably because we forgot to ask, but we took some of the things they said on the award page and through creative journalism summed up their thoughts: "This... is... my... award" is what Romartus said, though he may have said those words in a different order... and as part of different sentences. SPIKE just said "Yay," which was lovely. Things are far more exciting over on Noob of the Month where mega-noob rcmurphy and regular noob Putthatknifedown are neck and neck with 5 votes each.
Things are of course far less exciting in the land of the other awards: Author of the Month is a gripping contest as gentile Uncyclopedian and former UnSignpost editor Under user trudges towards the finish line arm in arm with gentile Uncyclopedian and former UnSignpost editor Mhaille (he wrote a couple of lines for us once and they were amazing). Potatochopper of the month is also a rather subdued affair with nobody getting any votes, despite two people being nominated. Finally Reviewer of the Month has no nominations and thus, surprisingly, no votes so far this month.
Why is this? We at the UnSignpost asked Uncyclopedia's dictator in-chief Mordillo what he thought; he agreed to consider the question after a stiff drink. We can only assume it was a strong one as we didn't hear back from him for 3 days. When he came back, he declared, "Uncyclopedia - UNITE! GO OUT TO THE STREETS AND DEMAND MORE BLONDES FOR ALL! MORE WELL SHAPED BLONDES FOR ALL! MORE THREESOMES WITH JEWS! and vote for NotM and RotM right? Trust us, we are the cabal, we know best". As Mordillo was being sedated, Socky bravely stepped in to fill his trousers and surprised everyone by saying "My thoughts on awards are that we should have a lot more of them and we should be a lot less serious about them. We could be having fun instead of worrying about drama. Voting will only lead to good results when not subjugated to logic." Socky went on to lay down his plans for ruling Uncyclopedia and restoring Germany to a dominant position in Europe; he left our interview early to annex Czechoslovakia, so
There is a point here, does Uncyclopedia need more awards? Or does it just need more contributors? All we know for sure is that you need to start voting NOW! Or tomorrow if you're a bit busy at the moment.
Chief learns Latin; talks about lorums
See {{lorum}} for a full transcript of his Latin writings.
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~ *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101125 - 01:05 (UTC)
Don't you love the smell of the UnSignpost in the morning?
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
Dec 2nd, 2010 • Issue 97 • STOP! UnSignpost time!
UFFL Week 12 Update
Now that it is so far into the season that everyone not involved with the Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League, as well as many that are involved, could not possibly care, what better time for an update? After eleven gruelling weeks, it seems that on top is the one and only Doritians, Take II, with an impressive W-L-T of 9-2-0 and a current six-game win-streak. They are also the only team to currently have a clinched playoff spot. For those not aware, the Doritians, Take II are the follow-up to Cheddar's Doritians last year: an Eagles-based team that performed, to put it frankly, shittily. When asked to comment about his surprising victory, Mr. Cheddar claimed, "GET RAPED SON."
Elsewhere in the league, there is currently a tight race for 2nd between the Oklahoma Boomers (who are currently in first point-wise and have the season record for highest score in a game with 168.14 points), The DC RacialSlurs, The Dudes, and Lepus Muerte. The real secondary story revolves around league commissioner and possible Nazi-supporter Rosenkrantzenpants. While last year, the German team took the overall victory with quite ease, this year's team is not so magnificent. After many losing streaks and strokes and bad luck, Rosenkrantzenpants has barely been able to pull itself past an even Win-Lose ratio. However, despite a poor record, he maintains 4th place point-wise.
The Well-Dressed Pickles again still have yet to win, most likely due to having six of the worst players in the league (two of which are out for the the season) and a refusal to edit the line-up. The Bearasorta Vikings aren't doing much better.
Also, you should watch The League on FX. It's a damn funny show.
Aristocrat's Update
The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball rumbles on, and as the closing date looms like a fat man over a large cake, the question on everyone's lips is "What's the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball?". In case you have recently returned from an Uncyclopedia hiatus or have been hiking through the Amazon Delta wearing nothing but a pair of slippers, I will explain once again: the ATDB is a festival of frivolity and bad taste, highlighting all those fine, fine contributions we never want to see featured.
The UnSignpost sat down with competition judge Lyrithya to find out what, if anything, there was to know. "I would like people to stop asking me for help," Lyrithya moaned before our journalist could open his mouth, "Two people have so far already" The UnSignpost infers from this that the competition is truly a desperate one this year; some entrants have clearly been pushed to the limits of their sanity and have begun searching Uncyclopedia's back alleys for writing tips. To round off our interview we asked Lyrithya who she thought would win. "That guy," she said emphatically, indicating a nearby vending machine, "His article is excellent." Whose article she really means shall remain a mystery until the results become known on December 10th.
The competition closes for judging this Friday at 00:00 GMT, so if you want to enter, you need to do so soon. The UnSignpost will be there to bring you the results when the judging has happened unless something more exciting happens. Unlikely, but we live in hope.
The Grue Army
For almost a year, most of our classic usergroups remained in pieces. Groups like the Uncyclopedian Forces, the UnAnarchist Party, the UnFire Department, and yes, even the Grue Apocalypse. The economy also dramatically collapsed, with commerce reaching an all-time low. However, one group stands out among all: the Grue Army. After their leader High Gen. Grue went AWOL, the once-proud Grue Army was left belly-up with only 4 of the original members still in. The decision to revive the group was made and Meganew has been seen wearing Patton-esque General's clothing ever since.
Some newer users had joined up with the group already, but it wasn't enough to equal a full-scale revival. Therefore, the leaders decided on an unusual plan of action: pick who they thought would be the 10 best candidates for the group. After some of the candidates decided not to join, the plan was expanded to all of the twenty users originally selected. Some have responded and have become active Grue Army members, deep in-the-cave reserve members, and allies.
Some people have questioned the need for another group of people who don't do much, but are happy to tell others what to do, as we already have site admins for just such a job.
This has been a shameless advertising promotion from the Grue Army, Join Today!!!
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-- 03:14, December 2, 2010 (UTC)
The UnSignpost, now with 25% less saturated fat
Just like Grandma used to make!
Dec 9th, 2010 • Issue 98 • Is that an UnSignpost in your pocket?
The UnSignpost Investigates: VFH
If you have ever written an article on Uncyclopedia then the chances are you have run the gauntlet of Votes for Highlight at some point, which inevitably means you have experienced the helpful criticism, the less helpful criticism and the downright bizarre criticism. VFH is the most popular voting page on Uncyclopedia, and this week the UnSignpost is taking a closer look at the process that separates the wheat from the chaff, and the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian[citation needed].
VFH has come under fire this week from an outgoing editor and we thought it would be unfair to dismiss his claims without properly investigating them, so we didn't and it was a great fun; we played badminton and then we went bowling. However, when Sycamore complained about recent trends on VFH, we decided to have a look. There is a serious point to be made here, with admins being told at least twice a week that both they and Uncyclopedia suck penises - is VFH not somewhere that should be more carefully regulated to prevent articles that are less than amusing being nominated? Or should users who are presently engaged in nominating idiotic pages for VFH be told to cut it out, or else? Discussions have taken place about scrapping voting altogether and having the admins run things or, as one bright-spark suggested: just get rid of against voting. VFH is not a machine in dire need of repair, however, but for many it does seem to be a flawed system that is entirely to blame for A wizard did it being featured.
As a result of the above, the UnSignpost urges you to do two things: Vote on VFH; it needs your votes to work, as the name might suggest, and try to remember that while cocking about is fun, work is immeasurably more useful. Also, because the lead story this week has been very sombre and serious, we have attached a picture of a dog wearing a hat. Enjoy.
Mince Pies, an editorial
Hey guys!!! This week I thought I would talk about something which is guaranteed to interest EVERYONE! My favourite food in the world: Mince Pies!!! OMG they are teh brillz0rz! (Internet slang; I'm hip!) I mean they don't even have MINCE in them! What's UP WITH THAT!? Here's how I began to find them totally lolicious and awesome!!!! It all started at last year's Christmas pa-
Signal interrupted
New message incoming
There is no need to adjust your UnSignpost. Halt all subversive activity. Exits are not located to the rear. Rollback is not disabled. Expect no Christmas bonus. The Cabal is not addressing you from this periodical. It is not the Festive Season. Santa does not exist. Nothing you do matters. Our patience is not tried by your petty drama and hi-jinks. Contributions are not logged and examined. Addresses are not tracked and houses are not watched. Bans will not be imposed if you reject our reality.
Abide citizens.
Location scrambled.
Message ends
Signal re-established, original transmission resuming
... and that's when I threw up all over the dancing Elephant!
See you next week!
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--ChiefjusticeGameBoy 16:18, December 9, 2010 (UTC)
Oh shit! It's another unsignpost!
Word to your mother.
Dec 16th, 2010 • Issue 99 • Now with 50% more
Cheese News!!
Turkey Ball Anyone?
As all great things must come to an end so must all fairly mediocre things, and this has certainly proved true for the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball, which concluded last Thursday/Friday/Early Saturday morning. Unfortunately, all of our reporters were out watching Lord of the Dance or entertaining Monsignor Sandman when it was happening and we have no on the spot coverage or reporting whatsoever. However, we have once again stepped unto the breach in the name of journalism and have, at great personal risk, recovered the results from the competition page.
This year the joint winners of the title category are: Socky for UnBooks:Fred and EMC for The Aristocraigslist. Socky's winning streak continued into the next category: "Best Bad Taste Article" where he and Zombiebaron's collaboration tied for first place with CheddarBBQ's slightly sickening entry: Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic. The "The Master Goa Tse Award for Digital Imagery" category was the only one that obliged us with a clear winner this year, and that winner was Bucknut4, with the loin-stirring image you see attached to this story.
Of course everyone who took part in the competition is a winner... except the people who didn't win anything. The UnSignpost dropped round to Socky's house to find out how he felt about being the biggest Turkey of them all this year: "I'm really proud of winning twice" he told our reporter, banging his head on the toughened glass. "I'd like to throw a big party, but first I'll need to get rid of all the dead bodies...", which was a lovely thought. He also presented our reporter with this picture which, his doctor assured us, Socky had drawn himself.
The non-existent Cabal would like to pass on its non-existent thanks to all entrants and judges of the competition and would like to make special mention of Mrthejazz, who narrowly missed out on victory in two categories; hopefully the suicide note, sleeping-pills and empty Whiskey bottles we found when we went round to his house mean he has just gone on holiday.
The Uncyclopedia game namespace came under fire this week as users began discussing whether the whole thing should be euthanized as part of Uncyclopedia's commitment to cutting internet congestion by 60% before the start of 2011. In order to get a handle on matters, the UnSignpost lured veteran Uncyclopedian Mhaille into an interview by convincing him there was cake hidden in our journalist's back pocket.
Mhaille called the game namespace "A SHOCKING waste of server space and a section of the site seemingly inhabited by elves, dwarves, grues and Welshpeople". Is this a fair assessment of a namespace that has been around since 2006 or is this just the condemnation of a Bureaucrat engorged with spite at his continued lack of a salary? When asked if he would support deleting the namespace altogether, Mhaille said, "It should at least be hacked back to acceptable levels and filled with humour above that of a 14 year old D&D player".
The debate on the game namespace is far from over, especially since a fair number of users haven't even realised it has started yet. Should we delete the namespace, or should we allow it to grow in whichever way the laws of nature allow? However with the game namespace regularly churning out classics like Grue Life and The Great Random Adventure of Awesomeness, it is clear to many that something should be done, even if it is only a jolly good chat in the Village Dump.
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Magic Snow man ☃ 03:49, December 16, 2010 (UTC)
This is it... the 100th UnSignpost.
The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes
Dec 23rd, 2010 • Issue 100 • Now with added bragging rights!
The UnSignpost hits 100
So here we are, issue number 100. The newspaper with the most haphazard group of editors and paper... people in the world has successfully spammed talk pages 100 times. This makes now the perfect time to look back at the UnSignpost through the ages and see the motley crew of visionaries, drug addicts and lunatics who have made the UnSignpost what it is today: damaged beyond all repair.The UnSignpost had a beginning, like everything: it was in days of yore when Uncyclopedians fiddled in the street.... in knickerbockers, Mordillo was a new-ish administrator and everything had a rosy sort of tint to it; Uncyclopedia was indeed not as bad as it is today. Two enterprising young Uncyclopedians, Cajek and Dr. Skullthumper, came up with the idea for a newspaper, a newspaper that would tell lazy people what was going on on the wiki, thus encouraging them to continue being lazy. At first, Cajek and Dr. Skullthumper made beautiful
After the DJ went belly-up (yes I'll stop this now) Under user decided to have a go... he strapped on his pads and hit the UnSignpost for six (OK, I'm definitely done now) - six issues, to be exact, and then wandered off to get married or some such nonsense, leaving the UnSignpost in the hands of Gerrycheevers. Gerry maintained the paper splendidly until UU came back again and enlisted the help of some more hip and happening users to help him actually know things. UU remained in the editors seat, mostly, and writers like Socky, POTR and Guildensternenstein dropped in to help now and then when UU's creativity failed him. We can't list everyone who turned up as we hate most of them, but they are lovingly remembered on the main UnSignpost page.
Finally the stress became too much for UU, and he fled the office via an upstairs window. When he woke from his coma, we showed him the UnSignpost and threatened to beat him with a stick if he didn't give us a quote on how excellent it was. He said, "Boringly, I love the ol' Signpost, and will probably return to it one day ... But I have written the most issues, across 3 separate stints on the paper, and sheer quantity has to count for something, right? Anyway, I'm glad to see Chief continuing all the proud traditions except late delivery, and am idly wondering how long it'll take before he too crumbles like a dry reed in the face of its relentless news-hunger".
So hurrah for the UnSignpost, 100 issues to match up with the hundreds of writers with issues who have contributed to it. See you in issue 200!
The UnSignpost:A few words from someone you don't know.
Hang on. Did I read that last bit correctly? 100 issues? Wow! Given that it takes our beloved paper boys about 2 hours to deliver the Unsignpost, that means that's 200 hours spent delivering this, not to mention the time and effort put into making this unperiodic periodical over the last 2ish years. So that would mean it's a combined total of multiply by 2... carry the 1... take away the number you first thought of... 2 months worth of work that has gone into the creation of this glorious publication.
And it's that attention to detial that makes the UnSignpost what it is.
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UnSignpost, UnSignpost, eat it right here...
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
Dec 30th, 2010 • Issue 101 • The periodical with just a hint of pie.
Awards of the year
As Christmas fades into the deep darkness of memory and the New Year hurtles towards us so quickly that experts have predicted it will reach us within a few days, thoughts inevitably turn to the Yearly awards. Well, the thoughts of we here at the UnSignpost do; if yours don't, then you aren't committed to this site enough. The yearly awards are: Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year and Potatochopper of the Year. These highly imaginative awards are hotly contested affairs with up to 3 Uncyclopedians being nominated for each! While voting will not be open until early January you can already begin to think about who you want to nominate. The voting will be open until the end of January, hopefully, maybe, if we remember/are nominated.
So prepare for the excitement, bribery and
Those of you who frequently watch the village dump may have spied, nestled amongst imaginative topics like "I r haz a solushan 4 all teh speeling prooblams on Uncylopedia!!" and "MY PENIS IS BENSON", the topic about the Poo Lit Surprise competition. As the forum topic suggests, the competition is expected to start in January on the 18th. The PLS is arguably the biggest writing competition in Uncyclopedia and judges are still needed to help out, just check out the forum topic if this is something you want to do.
The controversial, drama causing, admin harassing problem associated with the PLS last time was the issue of a cash prize for the winner, and clashes over various entries to the competition and the related financial consequences caused problems for the competition and contributed towards Mordillo's 200th mental breakdown of the year. This year crafty Scot Sycamore, who has been coerced into hosting the PLS, has decreed that the winner may nominate a charity to which an unconfirmed sum will be sent on victory. Any further winnings may be withdrawn from your bank account with your credit card and redeemed at most shops.
The competition starts on January 18th and we are lead to believe will close 14 days later, however we cannot confirm this for reasons that we are unable to confirm at time of writing and going to press. It's that simple.
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You won a contest that you probably don't remember entering! Regardless of your memory status, the contest has finally ended and you won because your guess of "Thanksgiving" was closest! Here's your prize!!!! --—John Lydon 18:59, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost Delivery!
The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes
Jan 6th, 2011 • Issue 102 • Just add Milk!
Wiki Update
So it would seem, considering Uncyclopedia has successfully staggered its way into a new year (and its 6th birthday on Janurary 5), that everything is working as it should; this raises the question, why? Well, we at the UnSignpost love a challenge, so we have investigated the salt mines of Uncyclopedia to see the
VFD is working splendidly and has recently held a minor games purge. If you missed out, shame on you. Watched over by Sycamore, it is edited continuously by a few others who have been hitting the random page button in search of crap to rewrite for months, if not years now. Over on UnNews, SPIKE is also labouring in the place of UnNews grandmaster, the right honourable Zim ulator. Meanwhile on pee review, Lyrithya and Black flamingo11 have been shouldering more responsibility than they know what to do with, reviewing and checking the infernal tables and generally filling the void left by somebody trying in vain to get a life. Now for a quick moment on the forums.... that's that over with. Recent changes is also empty because Socky has stopped categorising absolutely everything and everyone else is.... writing.
Romartus is still shattering hopes and dreams on VFH and we hope to be able to bring you this exact same piece of news next year. The admins are of course splitting their time between overseeing the whole process and abusing their powers for giggles. If you work like a dog for Uncyclopedia and you haven't been mentioned here, it's nothing personal; it's just
From the desk of the Cabal:Compliance recommended for 2011
It has not escaped the notice of the non-existent Cabal that Uncyclopedia has successfully survived another year, and the Cabal, of which there is none, orders all subjects to have a happy new year, or else. It would seem that you ignored our ruling of last year where we instructed you to comply at every opportunity and issued a decree banning drama. In 2010 we saw range blocks and epic ban sprees (to purge the ballot boxes and thus purify democracy), we witnessed mass deletions (necessary losses), we observed hundreds of forum topics declaring Wikia to be the worst (Wikia are to be obeyed despite this), we watched as you persecuted the weak, stubborn and female (to build the master race) and took note of your single success, that of closing the worst 100 reflections on 2010 before midnight on December 31st. This took you two years; it does not count.
In short you have failed us again.
So as 2010 fades into distant memory, we turn our eyes to 2011. We have the following advice: question nothing; you are meddling with powers you cannot possibly comprehend; remain indoors; do not attempt to remove the cameras from your dwelling they are for the protection of the community; drive safely; stay in school/work; shut the fuck up and go write an article; provide your bank details and PIN when asked.
That is all citizens, you may now move freely about the complex.
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• Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Thursday, 09:52, Jan 6 2011 UTC
UnSignpost Delivery!
Just like Grandma used to make!
Jan 13th, 2011 • Issue 103 • Leave to stand for 5 minutes before consuming
Voting Frenzy
It's that month again, the famous voting month when Uncyclopedians gather to air their opinions on the year that has been, user contributions or lack thereof and lots of other things. The difference between this and the continuous monthly evaluation normally going on is that now we have Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year to accompany our small selection of monthly awards/voting pages: WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Of course it is the duty of every Uncyclopedian worth his/her salt to vote and have an opinion on each and every one of the above. Having no opinion is not an option; we can't afford such luxuries, not when the very fabric of our society hangs by a thread made entirely of voting pages. The UnSignpost has spoken to experts in voting patterns and strategies and they have instructed us to encourage each and every one of you to vote for whichever candidate you wouldn't like to not unwin again! It's that simple!A quick round up on our yearly awards: over on WotY Mhaille, Sog1970 and Aleister in Chains are slugging it out blow by blow for pole position. On UotY, some Spunk bubble has stormed ahead with Lyrithya in second place and all the other deserving candidates scrapping on the floor for... er scraps. PotY Zombiebaron has taken a convincing lead. Since we failed to ask him to comment he might have said: "Braaaains, I shall consume all brains," which leads this reporter to comment that Zombiebaron may well be on the wrong website.
The best articles of 2010 voting opens on the 15th of this month and will give the hardcore voters among you a chance to get stuck in again, but this time into people's articles rather than the people themselves. Regrettable, we know, but you can always nominate them for something next month.
As the voting frenzy continues, the UnSignpost will continue to watch from a safe distance and will be on hand to comfort all the winners when they realise the best years of their lives have been spent essentially bailing out the Titanic with a small mug. The very worst of luck to everyone, and indeed everything, competing.
Uncyclopedia is 6!
It's true, it is. Six years of crawling around the back streets of the internet begging to anyone for cash/servers/food, regardless of how useful they may or may not be. That's right, everyone, you are aboard the good ship Uncyclopedia, the only wiki that has sails and a rudder and that's a fact. The UnSignpost won't be doing anything like making up poems or getting emotional and tender about Uncyclopedia growing a year older, since some people have already shown off what big girls they are by doing just that. A quick review of said poetry: Olipro thinks it's cool and manly to swear (it isn't and his poem sucks because of it), Mimo&maxus thinks it's cool to be like Olipro (it isn't and his poem sucks because of it), and neither of them are very good at poetry (this is true and their poetry sucks because of it).
Happy birthday Uncyclopedia! At least we here at the UnSignpost did the manly thing of putting on a pink apron and baking you a cake.
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• Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Thursday, 03:12, Jan 13 2011 UTC
Do not attempt to adjust your set. This is the UnSignpost.
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
Jan 20th, 2011 • Issue 104 • Whatever happened to Wagon Wheels?
PuppyOnTheRadio makes a discovery!
Incredible, isn't it; we were pretty astounded ourselves... the UnSignpost actually has some news to report! Yes, everyone's favourite radio-fetishist canine has made the discovery of the
This paper understands that the discovery occurred as PuppyOnTheRadio was sniffing spores, mould and fungus (as he does every Tuesday), when he accidentally sneezed mucus all over them. POTR then observed some remarkable effects as the
So if you witness some huge game purges going on, do not be concerned; it's just the administrators cleaning up after POTR; needless to say they hate him for this. You all think about that before you next consider doing something useful; all you have to gain is the eternal hatred of every active administrator, although if you really want that, he has posted some ads looking for help.
Also yes, this paper is aware that the image accompanying this story is of Sigmund Freud as opposed to a real scientist; this is not because we don't know who he is, but simply because POTR has issues.
Facebook for a day
Those of you who arrived at Uncyclopedia on the 16th of this month may have noticed that the main page looked like Facebook. We here at the UnSignpost certainly did; we were celebrating the inevitable salaries, dental plans and offices with swivel chairs that inevitably come with people who have money being in charge when Zombiebaron told us it was just a reskin, what a jerk. The page has received high praise from the community, especially those who were in it.
The brains behind it (and we use the term brains loosely) were Zombiebaron and Lyrithya, who spent a great deal of their seemingly limitless free time working on it. This newspaper can only assume they were both living off other people's money and not paying tax at the time, because if they contributed anything to society then they would have been slumped in front of their TV's, miserable and alone, frittering away their time on earth like the rest of us. Did we mention that they are probably in the country illegally? As per this newspaper's policy of forgetting to ask people for quotes in case they say something worth writing, we have simply observed Lyrithya (from a safe distance) to find out her feelings on the reskin. Don't do this, for your own safety. All she does is eat Cheetos and whine. Zombiebaron has once again obliged us by simply saying "Zombiebaron" in response to any question our reporters ask.
All joking aside, the reskin was superb and a lot of hard work went into its creation, and not just from the two users mentioned. Others were involved in some of the jokes, creativity and stuff. Check the reskin out in the main page history if you missed it, or you can check out all the main page reskins in the reskin archive.
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~ 08:13, 20 January 2011
UnSignpost! Wheeee!
The Only Newspaper That Is Not Controlled By The Cabal Who Are You What Are You Do- AAAAAA
Jan 27th, 2011 • Issue 105 • Do not try this at home!
Awards and Voting Update
As the Uncyclopedian voting season draws to a close, the UnSignpost is proud to have spent a full ten minutes looking at the scores on the award pages so you don't have to! Over on Writer of the Year Aleister in Chains has taken a lead of two points over Mhaille and Sog1970 who are tied in second place with 9 each. It looks as though WotY is set to be a real roller coaster thrill ride as the frontrunners approach the final furlong, looking to be the first to vault the pommel horse of victory and ultimately hit it out of the park for a triple 20 score of 180, all without potting the black... or getting knocked off their broomsticks.Meanwhile Uncyclopedian of the Year is interesting, if only to watch Uncyclopedians revelling in a completely non-gay celebration of how fantastic everyone else is, all except the leader, ironically, who this newspaper maintains is a work-shy wank-stain on the pants of life. RadicalX of the Year is a Zombiebaron appreciation party and he leads his nearest competitor by 7 points.
The Top 10 articles of 2010 is almost finished and the leaders of the pack are becoming apparent, with Suddenly, Raccoons leading the pack and Gay whales in Darfur and A wizard did it tying for second place. There has been some comment on this positioning: mostly screams of horror that an article comprising 6 words could possibly competing for best article of the year, sighs of resignation as it inches closer to actually achieving that end and the snorting guffaws of the people voting for it as they accidentally eat the ends of their fingers while eating crisps and try to cross busy roads without looking.
UnSignpost Disclaimer: All scores are correct at time of writing, if they change, as they inevitably will, why not look at it as a metaphor for our inability to understand the universe as it changes around us and leave this story alone?
Panic, despair and anguish
It was a fine day, and then Wikia came. They destroyed that which we hold dear, had the tenacity to upgrade the site, kidnapped our children after we refused to pay them for piping all the rats out of town, turned all our clocks backwards 3 hours and worst of all they turned Mordillo into a newt... but he got better. Yes, this week has seen another Wikia update, and our roving reporters have taken to the streets, in flak jackets naturally, to investigate the chaos currently engulfing Uncyclopedia, as people wake up to discover the changes to bits of the site they never used.
First of all we stopped by the Village Dump, where the peasants are revolting, and some people are quite upset about the new changes. Chief among those people is Dexter111344, starter of the forum topic Technical difficulties with Wikimedia updates in January 2011; we didn't bother interviewing him as he looked quite mean, though this periodical does observe that Dexter has been protesting against regular bathing for some time now and nobody else really wants to talk to him. If you aren't Spang, Olipro or Lyrithya you won't have a clue what is going on, so we have condensed it down into a suitably stupid phrase just for you "Shit dun' got fucked up".
From here we dropped by Wikia headquarters and, once we had obtained docking clearance and the shield on the forest moon was deactivated, we were able to speak to
Stay classy, Uncyclopedia, and watch out for DPLs. If you find something that is badly broken and adversely effecting the running of the site as a whole then contact an administrator or an
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~ 04:41, 27 January 2011
The UnSignpost is now served with complimentary tacos.
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism!
Feb 3rd, 2011 • Issue 106 • Can you feel the news melt?
Awards and the winners thereof
Those of you who were rapt by the news from last issue were doubtless concerned by the news of Wikia updates, however life around the wiki appears to be proceeding as normal, albeit with more swearing and misery. Despite this last week being quite a slow one as far as news goes, the UnSignpost refuses to simply lie back and think of England.
Our roving reporters have sat down with the yearly award winners to find out just how it feels to
Next we stealthily followed Aleister in Chains to work to find out just how he felt about being named Writer of the Year. He had this to say, to someone else: "Everyone nominated deserved the award. Seriously. It's like chopping a baby up bit by bit (dibs on the heart and some of the toes)," which means he is a whole 10% more stable than last years winner! It seems only fair that we should speak to Mhaille, repeat Writer of the Year loser and bureaucrat; he said, "I'd like to thank all the voters who for the fifth year running didn't get me a WOTY award and all the people who took time out from their busy schedule of not being on Uncyclopedia to come back and offer their support in our annual awards." What a splendid fellow. We here at the UnSignpost are all agreed that it takes real talent to lose as gracefully as Mhaille does.
In an unprecedented turn of events, Useless Gobshite of the Year was jointly received by both Arsehole and Twattycake; Twattycake also picked up the Uncyclopedian of the Year award in a final evening of voting that will go down in history as having happened last weekend. We haven't asked them for quotes, though Twattycake did manage to say something about being incredibly grateful to everyone who voted for him. He then tried to consume our correspondent's "essence," so we haven't got anything more from him.
The Top 10 of 2010 extravaganza also concluded with Suddenly, Raccoons taking the top spot, closely followed by A wizard did it, Filial Piety and Gay whales in Darfur. Mhaille, who won't stop following our journalists around, said "This years "Top" 10 shows once again that people of taste and infinite comedic writing talent must be found soon to stop this travesty from ever occurring again". The top ten extravaganza will continue for a while longer as each of the articles in the top 10 is once again highlighted on the front page.
With that, Uncyclopedia's voting season draws to a close, leaving the UnSignpost bereft of filler material. Again.
UnNews update
After spending the last several months in a sensory deprivation tank, Reverend zim ulator has returned to his position at Uncyclopedia, though only on a part-time basis, the slacker. In his absence, SPIKE has been doing a
There have been some grumblings about the UnNews podcast, more specifically the lack of updates since last summer. As of today, the podcast has been updated with UnNews' latest audios, dating back to January 24 2010. By the time this article is published, the list should stretch back to last August or so. Go check it out now; we'll wait.
UnFunnies on UnNews main page are being changed again, after a hiatus. The cartoonist had been hospitalized with juxtaposition atrophy for the last several months, keeping him from his easel.
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~ 02:33, 3 February 2011
I'm baaaack! And I'm here to behave this time, promise. Perhaps we'll collaborate some time in the fure. Cheers! Rhemus the retarted midget 04:32, February 5, 2011 (UTC)
This edition of the UnSignpost brought to you in two's complement...
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
Feb 10th, 2011 • Issue 107 • The newspaper that you should really sign up for and read on your own talk page
Is this a bag of poo I see before me? Indeed it is, good sirs and questionable madams; surprising, isn't it?! See how we have magnificently crafted the title of the competition here? We used the word poo, so it's sophisticated and funny! Especially if we set it on fire! Yes, it is Poo Lit Surprise time and it has been since January the 18th! However the UnSignpost won't let being some 23 days late to the competition stop the relentless march of journalism.The competition has been hosted this time around by sexy Scot Sycamore. When asked about the competition, Sycamore told our reporter "Things have gone pretty well with PLS. I've enjoyed reading many of the entries, and the quality has been very impressive - hopefully we'll see some great features from some very good new and old writers". Now in light of these comments, you may be thinking, "There's a man with his head screwed on correctly, I must pop round to his house for tea and muffins next time I'm out on a jaunt round Scotland," but we implore you not to do this, because Sycamore is, to be frank, snooker-loopy. Sycamore began to remove his clothing while saying, "As far as my personal experience goes, it's been a challenge here and there - with some people wanting stuff that's simply not feasible, capricious judges or general oversight to make sure special Uncyclopedians aren't walking into walls or playing with their faeces (a risk with several contributors). Overall I think I've been great and any problems have been someone else's fault.." At this point our interviewer fled, just before Sycamore could provide an answer to the age old question about what Scotsmen wear under their kilts.
The competition is due to provide definitive results by the 13th, but the fierce intensity in the competition id rivalled only by Mordillo's intense desire not to do any judging until late March (he claims he has life issues) and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user's desire to avoid allocating a clear winner (he clearly has life issues). The UnSignpost would like to extend its congratulations to everyone who participated in the PLS; as we always say, every single one of you is a winner; it's just that most of you won't actually be winners.
Big News!
First, a confession: I have just lied to all of you; there is no big news to report. Just about everyone has gotten over the Wikia update frenzy of a few weeks ago, there are no big awards left to report on, no controversies or pregnancies, or indeed pregnancies or controversies. We, well, I say we; it's just me really - which makes the meetings and functions really dull- have thought and thought and thought about what to put in this space. Should we tell you about Socky's idea to have yet another chance to vote in case you weren't completely sick of voting by now? Or should we look for a part of the site that nobody edits much, like UnTunes or UnScripts? We were stumped until we hit upon the idea of reporting on how you are all bunch of slackers who haven't done anything interesting this week, and it's true, everyone except Sycamore has been happy to just plod along being vaguely useful, and the UnSignpost is here to tell you that this is entirely unacceptable. We see you every day, adding things to QVFD, patrolling Recent Changes, writing articles and generally hanging about the place being limber and stress free; your attitudes are what reduced Mordillo to the burnt out husk he is today.
Not that this paper encourages drama or vandalism; we just want to see the wiki fall into rack and ruin and be there to chronicle every glorious second of it! As the flames leap high into the night sky, the UnSignpost would be there, finally making use of the flak jackets we were issued last summer. Think of the coverage! We could interview Wikia representatives in their bunker at the heart of Skynet! We could run messages across the darkened fields of open warfare to... Fredd's house, the heart of the Uncyclopedian resistance. Imagine the pictures: Olipro executed by Wikia for a particularly groundbreaking piece of code that actually works! Lyrithya brutally murdered in the dead of night by nobody in particular! Not using that fecking dog image we've been using since issue 2!
So to conclude, there is no way for us to fill this space this week short of encouraging a violent revolution. We hope the lot of you are satisfied.
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~ 02:25, 10 February 2011
Lurg luuurg unsignpost luuuuurg
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
Feb 17th, 2011 • Issue 108 • The newspaper that won't be interrupted by some kind of nocturnal omniv-
Who are these people?
That's right, this week, Uncyclopedia has seen several old people reappear and start editing with the best of us. The first to appear was Codeine, who appeared on the wiki after previously dropping by only every few weeks to revert the anniversary pages and bemoan the general state of things; our forecasters are currently unsure whether we will see a full resurgence of Codeine, but they are hopeful that levels will continue to rise until everyone is crushed beneath Codeine's massive... mixed metaphor. Rcmurphy has also joined the wiki and can be sighted wandering around on recent changes, asking silly questions and trying and failing to create articles; we asked our forecasters what they thought about Rcmurphy and the chances of him staying here, but apparently they don't care about "some noob".
Anyone who has not had a chance to speak to either Codeine or Rcmurphy should head to their talk pages right now and ask about their Mum and offer to adopt them, respectively. Be gentle with these two aged Uncyclopedians; remember, everything was far simpler in their day. When they were your age, all of this was fields, Mordillo was happy, the servers frolicked in a Wikia free wonderland and you were still a glint in your Mother's eye.
We were lucky enough not to sit down with Codeine, but can predict with frightening accuracy that he would have said "Would you like a mint imperial?" if we had. You can't actually sit down with Rcmurphy because he has lost his 'sitting down and giving quotes to the UnSignpost' glasses, so we don't have a proper quote from him either. We can live with this and so can you.
Remember, if you edit hard and eat your greens, you too could be just like Codeine and Rcmurphy in a few short years; how awesome would that be?!
Suddenly News!
So it was, with a mixture of relief and apathy, that the top 10 extravaganza drew to a close and it was revealed to everyone with no knowledge of the chronology of numbers which article claimed the top spot. Suddenly, Raccoons joins Dragon Warrior, AAAAAAAAA!, Captain Obvious, You Are Dead and the awkward tie from 2008 in the grand cupboard of Uncyclopedia where it shall remain as an example of how to write an Uncyclopedia article. The UnSignpost refuses to congratulate Hyperbole for writing Uncyclopedia's favorite article three years running, since doing so would run contrary to our aim of ultimately crushing him with the futility of his own existence. Hyperbole: You suck.
In other news, the PLS scores have been added up; anybody who has been peeking at the results page while it was being created should report to Uncyclopedia HQ for the customary 15 lashes of the cat (the same punishment for reading this periodical before it is delivered), but should also be aware that ties in the PLS are unacceptable - don't ask why; they just are - and any ties have been broken with the help of the
A quick word on the forums: Poo. That was fun wasn't it?
The final item of news for you this week is that Zombiebaron, everybody's favourite flesh-devouring chocolate flavoured
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~ 06:13, 17 February 2011
UnSignnull pointer exception
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
Feb 24th, 2011 • Issue 109 • Just heat and serve!
Poo Aftermath
We write on what is, for the UnSignpost, a very sad day. It is sad because the Poo Lit Surprise has concluded and thus, after this story, we will once again be bereft of material to fill the eternal white space which mocks us every time we begin a new issue. Nevertheless, we have resolved to wring the final droplets of news from the damp flannel of the PLS; it's easier than thinking, you see.
After the ties and laziness of the judging process had been overcome, through the miracles of adding up and generally being unfair, Sycamore was finally able to reveal the winners to the world. As you would expect, the UnSignpost staff were all otherwise occupied while he was doing
this, but have not only swung by the winners circle and spoken to the few contestants who don't yet have restraining orders against us but have also fetched the scores from the competition page thus saving you from the horrors of excessive reading once again. The winner of the coveted Best
The Best Illustrated Article category broke all known records by having only three entrants and then being unable to select one to triumph over the others; it was eventually decided that - since we edit in a corrupt aristocracy where the cabal secretly decides everything - the two admins would win together and Lyrithya could have the supreme honour of being runner up! Lyrithya was permitted this enviable honour for a second time in the Best Rewrite category where she and Black flamingo11 lost to Thekillerfroggy.
The UnSignpost would, as is customary, like to offer its congratulations to all the contestants and its thanks to all the judges for ensuring that the competition failed to run smoothly; thanks also go to Sycamore for
It's all going to end in tears
Like the eviction notices that keep arriving at UnSignpost HQ, the imminent threat of
No, not really; while the spectre of remotely possible drama does indeed hang over our heads, there is no reason to stop drop and roll just yet, though this week tension has ramped up a notch as a proposal to change the rules of the mythical other form of VFS was raised in the forums. The idea was pioneered by Electrified mocha chinchilla who suggests that the present system is unfair and is calling for change. Hyperbole has also voiced his opposition to the present system by making it sound like we are editing in a slightly less humane version of Stalin's Russia, where
Olipro has taken advantage of the preoccupation with most of the active userbase in fighting to the death in the Ministry of Love to propose the locking of the sandbox talk page. What fun he must be at parties.
The UnSignpost will continue to monitor the situation, but just remember, admin rights are just like haemorrhoids; sooner or later every arsehole gets them. Think about that.
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~ 07:42, 24 February 2011
All the UnSignpost you ever wanted
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
March 3rd, 2011 • Issue 110 • Be sure to listen carefully for the Satanic messages!
Hip Hop Admin Master Mixer
Yes, that's right, it's all here: votes for temporary adminship. Two things that are immediately noticeable to those looking at forum is that the community is divided and that it isn't funny at all. Even the permanently enthusiastic joke Dolphins kept in the dream filled creativity lake outside UnSignpost HQ are struggling to provide any inspiration for jokes to be made on this subject, and reading the forums pertaining to this is about as funny as having a brick thrown in your face only to wake up and discover there is a gas bill tied to it.
That is why the UnSignpost refuses to make any mention of it again ever.
The UnSignpost would instead like to draw your attention to this picture of a Dog dressed as a Lobster, and feels that there is greater allegorical significance to it than is immediately apparent. To help us out we spent a huge amount of money that we just found on getting an interview with Professor Oswald that ends wald who has spent his life studying stuff!
We were permitted to observe as he perused the picture, occasionally sniffing our correspondent's hair and twitching. After falling over twice and arguing with a nearby desk fan, the professor mused: "If there's one thing your average sweet old lady really likes, it's a damn good row over a few pence..." and from looking at the picture, the UnSignpost can certainly see how he came to this conclusion; if you can't, then you aren't looking hard enough. Our reporter watched in fascination as the Professor stumbled around the room and appeared to develop his prior assertion: "The other things old ladies enjoy are drinking sherry and racism." Truly thought-provoking. The professor finally stood swaying in front of the picture and his eyes seemed to clear in a glorious moment of clarity. "Fuck me, that's an ugly Dog!" he proclaimed before collapsing into a heap on the floor.
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Pooper scoopers and General stuff
Poo. Yes, poo. It's the Dilithium crystal equivalent for Uncyclopedia in that the place couldn't work without it, but nobody is quite sure why. Unlike taking the piss, taking the Poop is a job that not just anyone can do, and the poopsmiths are the chosen few who are permitted to archive the important pages; this reduces the number of
This week has seen a new Poopsmith appointed to the order, Lyrithya. When asked to comment on this, she said, "It makes me feel as though a great gong has sounded in my loins," which at least demonstrates the appropriate mindset for the job. In other news, the Earth continued to orbit the Sun and through the unrelenting march of time another month has ended and the monthly awards duly dished out to people who don't deserve them. Socky took Writer of the Month, something which has left him as cheerful as can be (we assume), Black flamingo11 took Uncyclopedian of the month, something which as left him pleased as punch (we assume) and new fellow Rpm snatched Noob of the Month from under Rcmurphy's nose, something which has left them respectively pleased and miserable (we assume).
Finally; Uncyclopedians have been sharing their pathetic stories of how they came to edit the site. It's all undeniably homosexual, especially the parts concerning supposed women. The UnSignpost editorial team certainly won't be contributing to Uncyclopedia's very own Princess Diaries; we came to be here in the normal way: an accident involving a van, a tin of baked beans, a large vat of sherbet and 50,000 volts of direct current.
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~ 16:07, 3 March 2011
Bot Issues
For some reason, my bot hasn't been working recently. I have not be able to log in on the auto-wiki browser. I tried asking around, but got no responses. --Mn-z 02:05, March 9, 2011 (UTC)

subset: commoncrawl