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"Poignant Modern Fairy Tales Wonderfully Read"
Which is more impressive in this audiobook, the fairy tales of Oscar Wilde or the readings of them by the assembled famous British actors? At their best, Wilde's stories are exquisitely beautiful and painful and reveal deep understanding of the tragedy of the human condition (mortality, inequality, prejudice, selfishness, and hatred), as well as its transcendence through generosity, self-sacrifice, beauty, faith, and love. The readers are perfect, with wise, compassionate, and flexible voices and deep understanding of each word they say and of each scene they depict.
Special highlights are Dame Judi Dench reading "The Nightingale and the Rose" so full of wit and emotion, Jeremy Irons reading "The Devoted Friend" with a surprisingly wide range of voices for different characters, Joanna Lumley reading "The Star Child" and moving me to tears, and Robert Harris reading "The Happy Prince" and moving me to tears, too, especially whenever he says, "Swallow, Swallow, little Swallow." Sir Derek Jacobi reading "The Fisherman and His Soul," Sinead Cusack reading "The Birthday of the Infanta," and Sir Donald Sinden reading "The Selfish Giant" all do fine jobs with fine tales.
The only dud (forgive the pun) is "The Remarkable Rocket," which, despite Geoffrey Palmer's excellent reading and despite the interesting concept (sentient fireworks talking about their upcoming royal display) is finally a mediocre joke that long overstays its welcome. The only disappointment is that the cover art says that there is a bonus track of "The Actress" read by Elaine Stritch, but it's absent from the audiobook.
Anyway, I highly recommend this excellent audiobook.
"If only my heart was stone"
What a bleak, awful, hopeful, and beautiful book is Cormac McCarthy's The Road (2006). It takes the post-apocalypse genre and pares it to the core, burning away almost all flora and fauna from the world, obscuring with ash earth and sky, sun and moon, making each day darker and colder than the last, and setting in that "dead to the root" wasteland a father and his young son to travel "the road" for days "uncounted and uncalendared" through mountain passes and ghost cities and past derelict houses and charred forests south to the coast. A handful of people yet exist in this world: bands of cannibal savages and, possibly, some "good guys" who manage to survive without eating people.
The descriptions of the landscape are spare, apocalyptic, and vivid, like when the father and son walk past cars once caught in a conflagration, "The incinerate corpses shrunk to the size of a child and propped on the bare springs of the seats. Ten thousand dreams ensepulchred within their crozzled hearts." The ubiquitous ash. The fallen husks of dead trees and the weeds falling to dust. The bones of animals, birds, and people. The colorful memories that are dangerous to recall and the awful nightmares that cannot be recounted aloud.
The journey of the unnamed father and son through the "shoals of ash" is mesmerizing. The father believes the son to be a kind of angel or son of God, though that may be the wishful and hallucinatory effect of starvation and illness. "He knew only that the child was his warrant." The relationship between the father and his son is almost unbearably poignant. The father fears and hopes so much for his precious son in such an extinct world. The son is dependent upon his father for life and companionship and learns vital things from him and in turn guides his father with his pure moral heart. They interact with honesty and love, "each the other's world entire." From the start of the book the father is wracked by a blood-spraying cough, and he wastes and weakens as the journey proceeds, and yet he always finds the strength to lead his son down the road. As he thinks at one point: "No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes. So, he whispered to the sleeping boy, I have you."
The moments when the son forces his father to partake in some miraculous treat like a can of coke are moving. The scenes when the father tries to prevent his son from seeing some horrible sight, like a headless baby roasted on a spit, because "the things you put into your head are there forever," are harrowing. The moments when the son is upset and the father tries to reassure him and make him talk are powerful. The scenes where the father meticulously searches a house or boat for salvage are suspenseful: he could unveil a hell (a cellar full of naked people waiting to be eaten) or a "tiny paradise" (a storeroom full of stacks cans of food waiting to be eaten).
The novel is dark, yet it expresses desperate love and hope: the bond between parent and child, the need to do what is necessary without complaint, the wonder of doing good without context or reward, and the strange beauty amid horror: "Human bodies. Sprawled in every attitude. Dried and shrunken in their rotted clothes. The small wad of burning paper drew down to a wisp of flame and then died out leaving a faint pattern for just a moment in the incandescence like the shape of a flower, a molten rose. Then all was dark again."
McCarthy's book stands apart from other post-apocalypse novels in its severity, its beauty, its darkness, its isolated father-son relationship (most other genre works depict a community maintaining and or rebuilding some form of civilization), its lack of explanation (most other genre works explain their holocausts as nuclear and or viral) and its idiosyncratic style. McCarthy writes elliptical, biblical, poetic prose marked by short sentences without verbs and grounded with simple words and afire with unusual ones (like "gryke," "illucid," "entabled," and "discalced") and illuminated by unexpected similes, such that any "like" may be a lamppost for epiphany, whether ironic ("They wandered through the rooms like skeptical house buyers") or sacred ("All of this like some ancient anointing. So be it. Evoke the forms. Where you've nothing else construct ceremonies out of the air and breathe upon them"). And the dialogue is laconic, repetitive, and precise, because accurate communication is a matter of life or death and because anything the father and son say may be their last words.
We're going to be okay, aren't we Papa?
Yes. We are.
And nothing bad is going to happen to us.
That's right.
Because we're carrying the fire.
Yes. Because we're carrying the fire.
If there is a flaw in the novel, it may be that McCarthy doesn't seem to think much of women. The father and son have been abandoned by their wife/mother, who despaired and committed suicide: "I will not. I cannot." And the man's memories of her are somehow unconvincing. This is a masculine book. But the man acts both father and mother for his son with great courage, resourcefulness, and tenderness.
Tom Stechschulte's reading of the novel is masterful: reading The Road as a book moved me, but listening to the audiobook made me cry.
I recommend The Road to parents or to people who want to imagine being parents, to people who like the post-apocalypse genre and condensed epic novels, to people who like style as much as story, and, of course, to fans of McCarthy.
"Waking the Fyre"
Fyre (2013), the seventh and last book in Angie Sage's entertaining Septimus Heap series, enriched and disappointed me. The main story begins a short time after the events of the sixth book, Darke, during which Septimus and company managed to stop Merrin Meredith's Two-Faced Ring-guided Darke Domaine. Now Marcellus Pye, reinstated Castle Alchemist, is secretly restarting the great Fyre beneath the Castle for the first time since the Great Alchemie Disaster 500 years ago. ExtraOrdinary Wizard Marcia Overstrand is keeping the dangerous Two-Faced Ring in a magically Sealed Cell as she waits for Marcellus to become ready to DeNature the artifact. The two Darke Warrior Wizards trapped in the Ring are threatening to escape to extinguish Princess Jenna's line. Marcia's Apprentice Septimus Heap is still equivocating between Alchemie and Magyk. Septimus' oldest brother Simon (now fully redeemed after his year in the Darke) and Lucy Gringe are getting married in a well-attended ceremony. Sarah Heap is feeling happy because for the first time all eight of her children are together, but also stressed because the gifts for Jenna's impending Coronation are piling up. Jenna's biological father Milo is working on a secret project, while her biological mother's ghost is still waiting for the right time to Appear. Jenna is missing the easy relationship she had with the old Beetle, and, worse, is fearing that the Dragon Boat is dying. Aunt Zelda, the Keeper, is forgetting things, but luckily her Apprentice Wolf Boy is becoming ever more confident and capable. And the Wendron witches are still hoping to bag a trophy princess.
For the first part of the novel Sage lovingly tours the Castle (and its Palace and Wizard Tower) with her quirky characters, as if preparing herself and her readers to say good-bye to it all. Then, as in most of the books in the series, mind-boggling adult blunders lead to complications for her child heroes (now 14) to deal with. As in other books in the series, Sage introduces appealing new characters, in this case the Drummins, Alchemical salamander-dwarfs with shiny dark eyes, suckered digits, a complex system of burrows, a lyrical sign language, an affinity for Fyre, and the ability to hibernate for centuries when cold. The Fyre, which feeds on water and calms under coal, is a sublime creation: living, beautiful, powerful.
In a Sage-ian page-turning and humorous way, the story attempts to tie things up, but in this novel Sage also writes more sublime descriptions than in her other books, making it often quite wonderful and pleasurable to read. When Marcellus opens the sluice gate to pour water into the reservoir of the Fyre, when Marcia opens the Sealed Cell to show Septimus the Two-Faced Ring, when Jenna massages the heart of the Dragon Boat, when Septimus and Beetle gaze at the Wizard Tower at night, when Jenna holds out her hand for the ghost of her mother to touch, when Septimus senses the "quiet and purposeful process" of the living Fyre and sees its huge red eye, when the ten-foot tall Warrior Wizards in their iridescent green carapaces and Darke cloaks direct their red eye beams onto the surface of the Fyre, when Aunt Zelda goes into the forest with her storm petrol brother and leans against her large tree brother: all such moments create a vivid, new magical world. And Sage achieves this even when describing non-fantastic things: "One of those bright forest mornings, when the sunlight filtered down through the leaves, and danced across the forest floor like reflections on water."
Sage does occasionally yank the reader out of her fantasy world with jarringly inappropriate writing, as when she compares two hapless Heap uncles to slow motion pinballs, or when she has Marcia quote a person she really admires, Sherlock Holmes. But such moments are outnumbered by delightful and apt touches like this: "In the very center [of burning houses and shops] stood the Alchemie Chimney with a massive plume of black smoke belching from it, like a Witch Mother on a midnight moot conducting her acolytes as they danced around her." Such moments have ever been my favorite parts of the Septimus Heap series (elevating it above the Harry Potter books), and the times I have been disappointed by Sage's work have usually been when she neglects her numinous imagination for too much page-turning action.
It struck me in reading this last book that many rules regulate life in Sage's fantasy world: Queen Rules, Ghost Rules (e.g., an ExtraOrdinary Wizard Post-Living Handbook), Wizard Tower Code of Conduct, Wizard Induction Oath, Spell rules, and so on. And yet despite all the rules, in the Septimus Heap series (unlike Le Guin's Earthsea cycle or Butcher's Harry Dresden books) there is never any discussion about the nature of magic--what it is, where it comes from, how much derives from study and how much from innate gift, what happens to the world when it is used, etc.
The main thing that disappointed me in Fyre is Sage's under use or misuse of potentially interesting characters like the Darke Wizards, Merrin Meredith, Arthel Mella, Jim Knee, Queen Cerys, and ESPECIALLY poor Syra Syara and over use of uninteresting characters like the all-too Ordinary Apprentice Rose, whose interactions with Septimus ("I'll pick you up later?" "Yes.") and reactions to wonderful things like the Dragon Boat ("Wow. . . . That is just so . . . wow.") are banal.
Gerard Doyle, who capably reads books two through seven, finally nearly made me forget Allan Corduner (the superb reader of the first book); I've always liked his gruff Beetle, and really enjoyed his high-pitched Drummin voices.
Readers who like young adult magical fantasy stories, should like Sage's series and this concluding novel, which is full of original and vivid fantasy writing, humorous and moving moments, and plenty of restoration and renewal.
"The Darke Dangers of Fourteenth Birthdays"
The opening line of Darke (2011), "It is a Darke and stormy night," recalls Bulwer-Lytton's infamous line while using a capital D, an extra e, and bold font to evoke a different Darke. Readers who have made it to this sixth book in Angie Sage's engaging young adult magical fantasy series about Septimus Heap know that the Darke is a selfish, evil use of magic opposed to the selfless, good kind called Magyk. This novel is both a journey into the Darke and an invasion of the Darke into the light.
As usual in Sage's books, adult blunders make plot complications for her young heroes. This one begins with ExtraOrdinary Wizard Marcia Overstrand accidentally banishing the avuncular ghost of her predecessor Arthel Mella to the Darke Halls when she intentionally banishes the malevolent ghost of Tertius Fume. Still worse, Merrin Meredith, pimple-faced wearer of the Darke Two-Faced Ring, has been enabled by the obtuseness of Sarah and Silas Heap (biological parents of ExtraOrdinary Apprentice Septimus and foster parents of Princess Jenna) and by the oversight of Marcia (who has never bothered to deal with Merrin) to covertly reside for eighteen months in the Palace attic, where he has made a Darke Domaine. And tomorrow will be Septimus and Jenna's fourteenth birthdays, crucial landmarks in their lives: he will go on his Darke Week, officially to test his relationship with the Darke and unofficially to rescue Alther, while she will gain some new rules, responsibilities, and privileges. In addition to Jenna and Septimus, Sage gives key roles to Simon Heap (still trying to prove that he has left the Darke), Beetle (still trying to find a satisfying job), Stanley the Rat (still trying to run his Message Rat business while taking care of his four teenage ratlets), Marcia (still trying to protect the Castle), and Marcellus Pye (still trying to convince Marcia that Alchemie has a vital role to play with Magyk). Perhaps to make her plot manageable, she removes from it Jenna's biological father Milo, Septimus' jinnee Jim Knee, Snorri and her NightCat Ullr, and Wolf Boy and Aunt Zelda.
Sage writes plenty of great scenes in the novel: Beetle and Jenna visiting Gothyk Grotto, Septimus visiting the Room of DisEnchantment, Marcia setting up the Quarantine and Safety Shield around the Palace, Jenna telling Septimus that she'll keep her real Darke witch's cloak, Spit Fyre dueling a six-eyed and six-winged giant Darke Dragon, Septimus finding a clean little skeleton in the Darke Halls, and Beetle finding out about Wolf Boy's family. I am glad that FINALLY Sage is writing some real teenage feelings of resentment and jealousy between Beetle and Septimus.
And as usual she writes plenty of spicy lines, like "One princess is as bad as a dozen wizards" and "There goes your Coven, Jen." And plenty of vivid, magical descriptions, like: "As if on cue, a spurt of Darkenesse puffed in through the keyhole with such force that it looked as though it had been blown in with a pair of bellows," and "The air begin to buzz with Magyk once more. It was exhilarating, like walking through the aftermath of a storm with the air fresh and tingling and dusted with faint sparkles of light rain drifting in the breeze."
Audiobook reader Gerard Doyle continues to grow on me and does a fine job.
Notwithstanding all that, I found this book to be the least enjoyable of the series so far. It should, perhaps, be less charming and funny than the previous books, being about the Darke and all, but. . . To try to evoke suspense Sage often forces her characters into contrived and irritating arguments. Jenna and Septimus, Septimus and Simon, Sarah and Marcia, Marcia and Marcellus, Marcellus and Sarah, Marissa and Jenna, and so on argue noisily or lengthily when silence or time is vital. And to try to generate suspense Sage makes characters like Jenna, Marcia, Marcellus, Septimus, and Stanley briefly despair which, because we know they should know better, actually decreases suspense. And Sage too often makes her plot work by unpleasant or inconsistent character actions, as when Septimus is so preoccupied with his impending Darke Week that he doesn't take Jenna's bad feelings about the strange Palace attic seriously (after five books of strange feelings being confirmed and dangerous things happening, you'd expect him to take her concern seriously). And a personal kvetch: as an ailurophile, I dislike what happens to the Castle cats.
Finally, despite all the Darke stuff going on in the novel, I left it feeling not much wiser about the nature of the Darke and its relation to Magyk. There is said to be a delicate balance between the Darke and Magyk, but what practically does that mean? Is it that there is a neutral magic that becomes Darke or Magyk depending on how you use it? Or are they different types of magic deriving from different sources in the world? And is the goal to balance them evenly or to do Magyk mainly and Darke Art occasionally? And shouldn't things like using Darke Suspension Under Water spells or traveling the Darke Halls for hours and miles or being slashed with the talon of a Darke Dragon leave some lasting mark on you (as when the Nazgul's stabs Frodo)? Sage's main characters seem strangely unchanged after their walks on the Darke side.
Despite my complaints, the story is compelling and there are many great moments in Darke. I think that readers who have made it this far in the Septimus Heap series should read this one, too, though readers who haven't started the series should (of course) begin with the first, Magyk.
""General Romeo Vorkosigan" Goes Covertly Courting"
A Civil Campaign (1999), maybe the ninth space opera novel by Lois McMaster Bujold about Miles Vorkosigan, begins a short while after the events of the previous novel, Komarr (1998), during which Miles fell in love with Ekaterin Vorsoisson, an unhappily married woman, witnessed her become a widow in traumatic fashion, and solved his first case as Imperial Auditor. Now Miles and Ekaterin are back on their home world Barrayar, in its capitol Vorbarr Sultana. Having suffered through ten years of psychological spousal abuse, the widow has no interest in remarrying, so Miles initiates a campaign of covert courting: hire her to design a new public garden by his estate, appealing to her landscaping interests, helping her start a new career, and spending a lot of time with her. What could go wrong?
Into that plot, Bujold interweaves many other civil campaigns. Miles' clone-brother Mark and Kareen Koudelka, for instance, have just returned to hidebound, patriarchal Barrayar after a year as lovers on the advanced, anything goes Beta Colony. Will Kareen's family accept Mark as her potential husband? After all, he is a clone who was created and trained as a weapon to destroy Miles, and who is now the unstable manager of four, torture-created sub-personalities, Grunt, Gorge, Killer, and Howler. Will Kareen be able to find a way to be with Mark and to be herself on Barrayar? Still more. To Barrayar Mark has brought (bought?) Dr. Enrique Borgos, a nutty bio-chemist professor who breeds genetically modified butter bugs to eat any flora and regurgitate it as highly nutritious curd. Will Mark be able to turn this into a successful business? And Captain Ivan Vorpatril, Miles' unambitious cousin, is trying to avoid any difficult work while dreaming of reuniting with a former lover. Meanwhile, the progressive and conservative Barrayaran Counts are jockeying for power, as it has recently come to light that Count Rene Vorbretten is half Cetagandan (Cetaganda being a bitter enemy of Barrayar), while Lady Donna Voruttyer has been trying to find a way to succeed her recently deceased brother as Count when "The prick's always been the most important qualification for a Countship." All of these sub-plots occur in the context of the impending politically-charged marriage between Emperor Gregor of Barrayar and Dr. Laisa Toscane of Kommar.
The sub-title of the novel, "a Comedy of Biology and Manners," then, is quite apt. In addition to comical and moving romance on Barrayar, biology plays an amusing role, from the genetic engineering of the butter bugs to the changing cultural and social milieu on Barrayar (uterine replicators, sex changes, clones, and the like). Here be no epic battles involving fleets of star ships belonging to various alien and human civilizations. There is a suspenseful fracas in a parking area involving stun guns, a kick to the groin, a vibra-knife, and a bottle of liquid bandage, as well as a zany melee involving multiple tubs of butter bug curd, two foreign policemen, two spunky Koudelka daughters, one hunky undressed House Vorkosigan Armsman, and one gormless scientist.
As usual, Miles is fun to watch, being brilliant, energetic, charismatic, and, because of his dwarfish stature, overly driven and prone to finding himself in sticky situations from which he tries to extricate himself by "forward momentum," escalating impromptu bold moves and BS, though his talents may not work so well in his first courtship. Ekaterin is a good match for Miles: intelligent, creative, dignified, and excited to find her soul since the death of her husband.
As usual, Bujold writes many great lines:
--"The Countess was to obstacles as a laser canon was to flies."
--"So, hope staggered upright again, like a newly revived cryo-corpse, dizzied and squinting in the light."
--"Yes, if anyone was going to crawl around on the floor hunting bugs alongside Ekaterin, it would be him, dammit!"
--"Well, it could have been worse. I'm glad you didn't have him watch Hamlet."
--"Intimacy of the flesh seemed easy, after the far more terrifying intimacy of the mind."
As usual, Grover Gardner gives an engaging, no frills, spot on reading of a Miles Vorkosigan novel; I can't imagine any other reader doing it.
For all those good things, some things in A Civil Campaign are less good. The Barrayar aristocratic imperial system and Miles' use therein of his connections (like his war-hero parents Aral and Cordelia, Emperor friend Gregor, and former ImpSec boss Simon Ilyan) are a bit disconcerting. (A code card giving immediate comm link access to the Emperor is sure handy!) Although the book affectingly exposes the negative aspects of male dominated societies (where being female is "a legal disease"), I also wish it had more serious investigation of the motivations, implications, and ramifications of things like gender change and genetically engineered invader insect species. As much as I like watching Miles on his homeworld as it becomes less insular, feudal, and patriarchal and more "galactic," I miss his former mercenary entrepreneur life as Admiral Naismith away from Barrayar. And the climax of the novel relies too much on the too unsubtle behavior of a too obvious villain.
Finally, A Civil Campaign IS entertaining, witty, and character and culture driven space opera, one great, amusing scene after another (until, perhaps, the climax). Readers who would want to read Jane Austen doing romantic and political sf comedies would like this book.
""A truth--but, oh God, what a punctual truth""
If Mark Twain wrote science fiction, it might resemble Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.'s The Sirens of Titan (1959). The novel is narrated by someone living nearly a century after our own time of "gimcrack religions" and exploration of outer space at the expense of inner truth, an exploration that yields only "empty heroics, low comedy, and pointless death." To illustrate what people were like before becoming able to find the meaning of life within themselves, the narrator tells a "true" story "from the Nightmare Ages," which took place between the Second World War and the Third Great Depression.
In the story, Winston Miles Rumfoord is a Newport, Rhode Island millionaire who, nine years ago in an act of upper class "gallantry and style," accompanied only by his dog Kazak ("the Hound of Space") flew his private spaceship into a "chrono-synclastic infundibulum" near Mars. As a result, master and dog became scattered through space and time as wave phenomena, pulsing from the Sun to Betelgeuse in a spiral that overlaps the earth for a few minutes every fifty-nine days. In addition to no longer being "punctual" (that is, no longer existing moment to moment like normal life in the universe), Rumfoord has become able to read minds and see the future (because for someone like him everything that has ever happened, will happen, and vice versa). During one of his "materializations" on earth, Rumfoord gives some unpleasant news to the richest man in America, Malachai Constant: in the future he will mate with Rumfoord's wife Beatrice on Mars, producing a son called Chrono, and will end up living on Titan, the largest moon of Saturn. Needless to say, neither Beatrice (a woman who strives to remain cleanly aloof from life) nor Malachai (a hedonistic womanizer who because his name means messenger expects to bear a message from God to someone equally distinguished) want to make a baby together on Mars! But will they be able to do anything to avoid Rumfoord's future? And could Rumfoord be masterminding a "series of accidents" to bring about that future? And if so, to what end? For that matter, what is the purpose, if any, of life?
The Sirens of Titan is a strange novel: comic, tragic, horrible, beautiful, silly, philosophical. . . Although probably the meaning of life comes down to "some people are lucky and some are not," although probably we are just victims of a series of accidents as we go through our lives, although, who knows, perhaps an ultra-advanced civilization of machines 150,000 lightyears away from earth has been warping every human action in history, although surely the universe is "not schemed in mercy," and although, generally speaking, humanity "is a scummy thing" (people being superstitious, selfish, violent, and ignorant), Vonnegut, Jr.'s novel does offer some truths to cling to: it's better to be used by somebody than not to be used by somebody, and human life has a purpose: "to love whoever is around to be loved." Despite its mockery of humankind (particularly its religious, martial, and business aspects), Vonnegut Jr.'s novel is also infused with his love of "lucky" losers (like Malachai, Beatrice, Boaz, Salo, and even Rumfoord), with his fertile imagination (like the machines of Tralfamadore, the harmoniums of Mercury, and the bluebirds of Titan) and with his knack for witty, vivid description, like the following:
"Bobby Denton spitted his audience on a bright and loving gaze, and proceeded to roast it whole over the coals of its own iniquity."
"There was no sign in the face of any intermediate stages in the aging process, no hint of the man of thirty or forty or fifty who had been left behind. Only adolescence and the age of sixty were represented. It was as though a seventeen-year-old had been withered and bleached by a blast of heat."
"The Wilburhampton Hotel was a frumpish, three-story Tudor structure across the street from the Magnum Opus Building, standing in relation to that building like an ummade bed at the feet of the Archangel Gabriel."
"The child's hair was jet black, bristly--and the black bristles grew in a violently counter-clockwise swirl. . . . And his eyes were luminous under their black-thatched eaves. They glowed with an unshared rage."
Jay Snyder reads the audiobook well, especially Rumfoord's "genial and yodeling" voice and that of Salo, the machine from Tralfamadore.
The Sirens of Titan is science fiction, but, despite the "appallingly beautiful" rings of Saturn ("dazzling bands . . . forty thousand miles across and scarcely thicker than a razor blade"), the Tralfamadorians, the harmoniums, an interplanetary war, and a 36-million-year space voyage mission, it is about exploring the human mind more than about exploring outer space. As Constant puts it (in reference to the shrines of Saturn and its moons made by his son Chrono), "It was all so sad. But it was all so beautiful, too."
""---- lay hold of me, -- I am giddy""
The title character of Laurence Sterne's unique classic The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (1759-67) was ill-conceived when his mother asked his father an ill-timed question ("Did you wind the clock?"), which led to Tristram's "Homunculus" fretting inside the womb without his full compliment of animal spirits for nine months, which led to his becoming the "perpetual sport of fortune," a prey to "a thousand weaknesses both of body and mind, which no skill of the physician or the philosopher could ever afterwards have set thoroughly to rights." Best not to mention the accidents attendant on his delivery, christening, and circumcision! In nine books and umpteen chapters (some consisting of a single sentence), Tristram uses the story of his unfortunate begetting and birthing as an excuse to entertain us with spicy digressions, irreverent opinions, and rich character studies, which, told with a lively wit and a deep humanity, evoke eight parts mirth and two parts pathos so as to relieve us from the hard life we must live in "this scurvy and disastrous world of ours."
Tristram says that in writing he'll not confine himself "to any man's rules that ever lived," because, after all, rules should follow a man and not vice versa. He writes a chapter on chapters, a digression on digressions, a preface on prefaces, a dedication on dedications, and, I suppose, a novel on novels. He "writes" blank spaces, black pages, marbled pages, blank chapters ("I look upon a chapter which has only nothing in it with respect"), and a torn out chapter. He archly conceals risque matters behind asterisks and dashes and draws a set of squiggly lines representing the "progressive digressive" plots of his books before drawing a perfectly straight one that he (falsely) promises will structure the next book as "the path-way for Christians to walk in!" He tells his reader, "Do anything, only keep your temper." It's hard to lose it with Tristram, "child of misfortune," because he maintains a "just balance betwixt wisdom and folly" in writing his "Shandyian book," believing "That every time a man smiles--but much more so when he laughs--it adds something to this Fragment of Life."
Through the follies, wisdoms, and kindnesses of his father and uncle and their cronies, Tristram parodies and illuminates philosophy, psychology, politics, war, love, health, education, procreation, writing, story-telling, and so on. The characters are rounded and winning caricatures: Tristram's whimsical, unpredictable, philosophical, frustrated father; his benignant, humane, groin-wounded, Lillabullero-whistling, hobbyhorse-riding Uncle Toby; his long-suffering, normal mother (who escapes her husband's intellectual foibles by acquiescing to them); the loyal, commonsensical, advice-giving Corporal Trim; and the humane, waggish "enemy of the affectation of gravity" Parson Yorick (descended indeed from THAT Yorick). Even that "whoreson" of a gossiping and none-too-competent Doctor Slop and his nemesis the maid Susannah are fun to encounter. (In effect, all the characters ARE Tristram, who, as a character is absent from his own story.) The novel "ends" when Uncle Toby's climactic "amours" with the Widow Wadman are interrupted by a digression about Tristram's father's bull and a servant's cow.
Although we do not learn much about matters like Tristram's life after infancy, the fate of his elder brother Bobby, or the identity of his "Dear, Dear Jenny," we do learn amusingly much about knots, noses, eyes, whiskers, britches, chestnuts, conscience, in utero baptism, love, learning, and the like. There are comic erotic moments to enjoy, like a Christian knee rub and a sausage-making marriage proposal. Even when catching himself babbling, Tristram entertains: "But this is neither here nor there--why do I mention it?--Ask my pen,--it governs me,--I govern not it." And of course he writes many witty lines about life:
--An eye is for all the world exactly like a cannon, in this respect; That it is not so much the eye or the cannon, in themselves, as it is the carriage of the eye--and the carriage of the cannon, by which both the one and the other are enabled to do so much execution.
--'It is with Love as with Cuckoldom'--the suffering party is at least the third, but generally the last in the house who knows any thing about the matter.
--What a jovial and a merry world would this be, may it please your worships, but for that inextricable labyrinth of debts, cares, woes, want, grief, discontent, melancholy, large jointures, impositions, and lies!
Tristram Shandy is an encyclopedic novel, as is evidenced by its incorporation of many branches of knowledge and its many lists of everything from Roman footwear, scholarly child prodigies, excommunicating curses, and auxiliary verb conjugations to apothecary treatments for illnesses, elements of fortifications, attributes of love, and traits of tutors. Such pleasurable lists, along with the rich style, the bracing irreverence, the fertile imagination, the comedy and tragedy of life, and the sheer pleasure of the writing so evident in the reading, all prefigure works like Moby-Dick and Ulysses.
With his appealing voice and manner, Peter Barker gives a fantastic reading of the novel, deftly handling pauses and emphases, moments of incomprehensible whispering when Sterne hides juicy bits with asterisks, French and Latin, and even things like this: "Ptr...r...r...ing--twing--twang--prut--trut--'tis a cursed bad fiddle." Barker audibly breathes and turns pages, but such sounds only enhance the conversational book, as if we were listening to a witty, creative, and live man progressively digress.
Because much of the pleasure of Tristram Shandy derives from Sterne's typographical play and 18th-century punctuation, while listening to the audiobook it might help to have the actual book handy.
People interested in comic digressive epics or unique classics should read Tristram Shandy; my only regret is that I waited to do so until after my father, who loved Sterne's novel, died.
"Jinn, Syrens, Cat-Men, Smugglers, Islands, & Ships"
Syren (2009), the fifth book in Angie Sage's entertaining and magical Septimus Heap series, begins about two days after the end of the fourth one, Queste. While Beetle, Jenna, Nicko, Snorri, and Ullr are in the far Trading Post being entertained on the Cerys, the splendid ship belonging to Jenna's biological father Milo Banda, Septimus is getting ready to fly there on his dragon Spit Fyre to pick them up. Newly promoted to Senior Apprentice of the ExtraOrdinary Wizard Marcia Overstrand, the boy would like to dramatically finish his Queste by flying his long-lost older brother Nicko home to their parents at the Castle. As usual in Sage's books, things don't go quite according to plan. As Spit Fyre and Septimus are flying over a set of seven beautiful islands en route to the Trading Post to pick up his friends, the boy falls into a half-dreaming state and hears, perhaps, someone call his name. And mightn't some people prefer a leisurely ship voyage to an uncomfortable dragon flight? And just what's inside the old chest that Milo has secretly bought and sealed in the hold of the Cerys? Milo proudly tells Jenna that the contents of the chest will keep her safe in the Palace forever. Is Milo yet another of Sage's well-meaning but ignorant, feckless, obtuse, and otherwise flawed adults who cause so much trouble to her kid characters?
Meanwhile, other characters are engaged in sub-plots of their own. Wolf Boy is on an initiation mission to the Port Witches' Coven, which, if he survives, should make him Aunt Zelda's Apprentice Keeper (the first boy to ever be one). What will happen when Wolf Boy asks the Witches to let him feed the Darke, tentacled Grim? Simon Heap is missing Lucy Gringe, who has vanished in the port; has she dumped him for another boy? Merrin Meredith, AKA Daniel Hunter, AKA Septimus Heap, is still lurking about the Palace, gorging on licorice snakes and banana bears, growing ever more greasy haired, pimply, and obnoxious, and performing none too reliably at his new job in the Manuscriptorium. Will he learn a lesson about the dangers of shaking down little boys and opening their fancy scent bottles? Aboard the large, black fishing boat the Marauder, the skipper Theodophilus Fortitude Fry (ex-ship wrecker, ex-pirate) and his two thuggish hirelings the Twin Crows (one fat, one thin, both identical) are up to something shady. Is the rumor going round that Fry was plain Joe Grub until he came into some money by selling himself to become a ghost's BondsMan true? Speaking of ghosts, Tertius Fume, "no friend of the Castle," is suspiciously absent; can he be up to some new nefarious scheme?
Sage's unpredictable plot will have all those characters becoming involved with one another in one way or another, along with Syrah Syara, a slim, 500-year old former Senior Apprentice; Jim Knee, a jinnii with an outre hat; Barney Pot, a spunky little terrier of a boy; Jakey Fry, the lonely son of the unpleasant skipper; Miarr, a cat-man lighthouse keeper; and Syren, an ancient Possession Wraith. In this book, even the scream-prone Lucy Gringe becomes an interesting and capable character: "a smarty-pants boy and a tantrum-prone cat-man were not going to stop her from getting even with two murderous thugs and their skipper."
This novel may have fewer rich descriptions and more exciting action than Physik and Queste. And Sage is still apt to suddenly do something inconsistent or unconvincing with a character, as when she has Wolf Boy, who grew up wild with wolverines in the forest and who loves living in the Marram Marshes with all their creatures, wax squeamish about having to grab a live toad door knocker on the witches' door. And she needlessly attempts to evoke suspense by making Miarr's submarine have to launch in 60 seconds as Wolf Boy and Lucy equivocate over whether or not to get in it. And the climax suffers a bit from Deus Ex Machina. And Sage still, I think, overuses fairy tale superlatives like "the longest corridor Barney had ever seen."
All that said, there is plenty of fine and fun writing here. Cool descriptions like "She heard the loud swoosh of a dragon's wing, a noise not unlike the flapping of a hundred striped tents full of ghosts being blown away in a ferocious gale." Nifty Young Army rhymed sayings that Septimus and Wolf Boy (formerly Boy 412 and Boy 409) mouth to irk Jenna, like "Use your head or you are dead." And Jim Knee's mock formal and grand addresses to Septimus, like "O Excitable (or Exigent or Desperate or Displeased etc.) One" are funny. And Sage is good at writing unpredictable plots in which her appealing characters and her repulsive characters entertainingly collide. Syren also introduces some sf elements: a submarine, a palm-activated elevator, and a long-vanished culture from the Beyond based on science and technology rather than Magyk.
Reader Gerard Doyle does fine. I particularly like his cat-man Miarr, his Marcia in high-dudgeon, his lilting Snorri, and his Indian or Pakistani Jim Knee.
Probably my favorite book in the series so far has been the third, Physik, and the fourth, Queste has many more impressive descriptions than Syren, but this book has its moments: the unorthodox dance (swinging his arms like a windmill in a gale) that skipper Fry does when trying to locate some invisible interlopers on the deck of a ship; the uncanny clockwork dance that Syrah does when possessed; the view from inside Miarr's Red Capsule of the eerie undersea world; the reading of Syrah-Syren's diary when Jenna feels "like I watched someone being murdered"; Jakey Fry yearning to join the nighttime silhouettes of kids playing on an island. Fans of young adult magic-fantasy should give Sage's series a try.
"A Septimus Foil, Time, Quests, and a Queste"
The plot of Queste (2008), Angie Sage's fourth novel in her seven-book Septimus Heap series, begins about six months after the events of the third book, Physik, which ended with Septimus and Princess Jenna returning to their present without their brother Nicko and his increasingly significant other Snorri Snorrelssen, who remained trapped 500 years in the past. Septimus has been trying to get the 500-year-old Alchemist Marcellus Pye (who, thanks to the tincture of eternal youth Septimus made for him, now appears to be a handsome thirty-year old man with a "funny haircut") to remember what Nicko and Snorri learned 500 years ago about the House of Foryx, "the place where all times do meet." Jenna wants to find the House so she can save Nicko, while Septimus' father Silas wants to search for the boy in the forest by the Castle. The oldest of the seven Heap sons, Simon, who went bad in the second book of the series and is now living with Lucy Gringe, wants to leave the Darke and return to the Castle. The ghost of the first Chief Hermetic Scribe, Tertius Fume, seeks to foment trouble for Marcia Overstrand (ExtraOrdinary Wizard and Septimus' master), while Merrin Meredith (the Darke Wizard Dom Daniels' former apprentice who thought he was Septimus for ten years) seeks to Darken the Destiny of Septimus. When Fume and Merrin make a deal, the titular Queste kicks in, connecting the others. Originally supposed to be a reward for outstanding Apprentices, the Queste is a curse, for none of the twenty Apprentices to attempt it over the centuries has ever returned. Septimus, at twelve only halfway through his apprenticeship, tries his best to avoid becoming the twenty-first to embark on the Queste.
As in each Septimus book so far, in this one Sage introduces appealing new characters, especially the expert Conservation, Preservation and Protection Scribe Ephaniah Grebe, who works in the Manuscriptorium's network of basement cellars and lives there away from other people because he is at least half-rat, while developing old characters, especially Merrin Meredith, who discovers the pleasures of freedom, power, pseudonyms, and candy and is an entertainingly repulsive anti-Septimus. Ephaniah and Merrin both have moments alone at night before the beautiful Castle lights, realizing that they represent "normal" people living without any awareness of being watched by an outsider. As for Septimus, although he is improving his magykal abilities, his ten years as Boy 412 in the fascist Young Army are still in his blood, he feels excluded when Jenna speaks nostalgically of her childhood in the warm happy Heap family, and he is coming to believe that he'd rather be a physician than a wizard.
I'm getting used to Gerard Doyle as reader of the Septimus audiobooks; his voice and style do enhance the story. He does a fine gruff, good-natured Beetle and a convincing Ullr meow. I noticed but one mistake, when he reads "Marcellus fixed her gaze on Septimus" and it should be "Marcia."
Sage freshly treats the tired fantasy quest, delaying its actual start for nearly thirty chapters while subtly showing that in a sense it began in the prologue (if not before), and playing with quests and free will, adventure, and change. And she again in this novel interestingly explores time. And she writes many rich descriptions to magically vivify her fantasy world:
--"Marcia breathed in the smell of old leather, decayed spells and paper dust."
--"As the panther slept, Ephaniah saw the orange tip on his tail expand and grow, the bright color traveling across the creature like the sun chasing away the shadows."
--"Far away to the left they could just make out the spindly outline of a structure leaping high into the air and disappearing into the fog. It looked beautiful--a delicate tracery of fine lines like a spider web suspended in space. And then the fog closed over it once more and it was gone."
--"They linked arms and together they stepped into the slow, muggy vortex of candle smoke and time."
Sage also writes many comical encounter scenes (usually involving Merrin), as well as many witty and memorable lines:
--"She looked like an exotic bird roosting with a troupe of scruffy sparrows."
--". . . just when she needed a practitioner of Darke Magyk, he had decided to reform."
--"You are no longer on the donkey cart of Time, forever trundling onward."
The occasional playful references to our world (e.g., "Gothyk" fashion trinkets and romance novels) are all right, but the many Gross Foods (e.g., Ma Custard's licorice snakes, slug sherbet, and spider floss, Stanley the rat's meal of old shepherd's pie topped with crunchy toenail clippings, and Silas' witches' breakfast of cereal and caterpillars) curry too much kid reader favor. And Sage overuses superlatives: e.g., "the loudest clatter," "the pointiest toes," "the most beautiful sled," "the smoothest ice," "the tallest trees," "the strangest place," "the deepest chasm," "the longest walk" he/she had ever heard/seen etc.
Although I can accept things like Jenna's biological father Milo Banda being absent for two straight novels, because Sage likes having her kids challenge difficulties on their own, Queste has a few too many unpleasant or unconvincing character actions that smack of plot contrivance: Jilly Djinn is way too obtuse; a ghost like Tertius Fume would never be given an important post; Jenna and Beetle would try to tell someone about Fume and Merrin; Sep wouldn't conceal the Questing Stone; Jenna wouldn't be so down on Snorri or dense about Ephaniah being Inhabited; etc.
Sage's often rich and magical style makes up for most of my kvetches, and people who like the first three Septimus Heap books would probably like this one.
"Ghosts, Cats, Dragons, Disapproving Queens, & Time"
The third entry in Angie Sage's seven-book Sepimus Heap series, Physik (2007), begins with Septimus' feckless father Silas the Ordinary Wizard and his coarse "friend" Gringe the North Gate Gatekeeper (two of the many fallible adults whose mistakes make life interesting for Sage's child heroes and readers) "UnSealing" a Sealed room in the palace attic so that Silas may keep safe there his prized colony of sentient board game counters. By opening the Sealed room, the clueless men release two malevolent Substantial Spirits, the ghost of the wonderfully named Etheldredda the Awful, who has been waiting with her pointy chin, pointy ears, pointy shoes, and disapproving expression for 500 years to become Castle Queen again, this time forever, which may involve getting rid of any troublesome princesses in her way, and the ghost of her pet Aie-Aie, a red-eyed, snake-tailed, single-toothed creature with a penchant for spreading disease. Thus begins an exciting and unpredictable plot of multiple point of view characters and two time streams, one in the present and one 500 years in the past.
Sage introduces neat new characters, like the 14-year-old Hanseatic League Northern Trader Snorri Snorrelssen, who's come to the Castle of the Small Wet Country Across the Sea for the first time, partly in search of the ghost of her father. Snorri is great, with her attractive Scandinavian lilt, Spirit-Seer abilities, spunk ("No one told Snorri Snorrelssen what to do"), "white-blond hair," "translucent blue eyes" (Sage's fantasy world is quite white), and feline protector Ullr, a small orange cat by day and a powerful black panther by night. And the Last Alchemist Marcellus Pye, a selfish, decrepit, and senile 500-year-old who only breathes once every ten minutes and shuffles around under the moat at night looking for gold coins, is creepy and sympathetic.
Sage develops former characters in neat ways, too, like Uncle Alther and Alice Nettles, whose cross-existence romance is wistful and sweet. She does a bit more with the ghost of Jenna's mother, the assassinated Castle Queen, who is still not ready to Appear before her daughter. Spit Fyre, Septimus' pet dragon, is growing apace, needing more food, producing more droppings (and burps, farts, and snot, Sage indulging the child reader's sense of potty humor), and learning how to ignite his gassy breath. Sage's protagonist Septimus Heap, seventh son of a seventh son, the Apprentice to the ExtraOrdinary Wizard, Marcia Overstrand, grows, too. He is covertly interested in Physik, which Marcia believes is too close to the dodgy (if not Darke) Alchemy. In this novel the boy will learn everything he ever wanted to know about such subjects, in addition to Time.
Sage interestingly plays with time: "Time Glasses" through which people may step (or jump or fall) into "the liquid cold of time" and end up elsewhen; the vertiginous and identity-threatening aspects of suddenly finding oneself in the distant past; and the debilitating effects of living forever without youth. She also makes explicit the Rules of Ghosthood. Spirits must stay for one year and a day in the same place where they died, after which they may move around, but only to places they visited when alive. They may only be seen by people they choose to Appear before. And although they may pass through anything or anyone and vice versa, they intensely dislike the nauseating experience.
Sage writes a lot of witty lines (especially in context), like: "Ghosts must put up with the bad habits of the living," and "Even Alchemy Scribes had to sleep some time." And she writes many vivid and evocative descriptions (Sage's writing is more magical to me than Rowling's):
--"The barge was decked out in flags that fluttered in a wind that had died long ago."
--". . . the lingering smells of decaying spells …"
--"The low yellow stone building was ablaze with light, its wide lawns spread out before it with their fresh snowfall like a crisp white cook's apron."
--". . . there were things--soft, squishy things--floating in the water; he could feel the ends of his oars touching them."
Such rich writing outweighs Sage's few missteps, like similes whose anachronistic vehicles violate her fantasy world, as when Spit Fyre moves his tail back and forth "like a great windshield wiper," or as when Etheldredda's voice "has the penetrating quality of a dentist's drill."
Sage writes an archaic style to estrange the Castle of the past from her characters and readers. Although some of it sounds dodgy, like "Now, hie thee to the Great Gates, thee to the stables and thou, fools, take thy great flat feet to the river" (thee, thou, and thy should maybe be for singular cases), it often sounds fine, like "Whereupon Mary didst wail, like the pigs do wail when they see the meat cook's cleaver."
The reader Gerard Doyle is good, especially with Snorri's winning accent, Etheldredda's nasty voice, and Ullr's orange meow, but I still prefer the reader of the first book in the series, Magyk, because Doyle tends to put too much stressed out whining in the voices of the kids. This audiobook includes Sage's fun epilogue, "Things You Might Like to Know More About," to recount the fates or backgrounds of several characters.
Readers like me who were put off by the manufactured action and unpleasant character development and lack of consistency and charm of the second book, Flyte, should try this third one, because Physik is excellent. Moments like Jenna rescuing a plucked duckling from a scalding orange sauce and later falling asleep with it are charming; moments like Septimus walking into the Great Hall of the Wizard's Tower 500 years ago and deceiving himself that he's in his own time are moving. Readers who like imaginative and humorous YA magical fantasy with a Darke streak should enjoy Physik and the series in general.
"You Can't Choose th Ways in Which You'll Be Tested"
The alien, looking like a giant spider and speaking English stereophonically out of his two leg-mouths, arrives at the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum) in Toronto and asks to see a paleontologist. The alien explains to Dr. Thomas Jericho that his name is Hollus, that he is a Forhilnor from the third planet of the star Beta Hydri, and that he came to the museum to study earth fossils like the ROM's current special exhibit of the Burgess Shale fossils from the Cambrian period. Hollus is "a visiting scholar" traveling through space with a handful of fellow scientists and seeking intelligent species on other worlds, not to prove the existence of god (which they've already done to their satisfaction), but to find out why he/she/it has been tinkering with sentient life forms in the universe.
Hollus shares plenty of "evidence" for the existence of god. The fact that the five mass extinctions of species in earth's history have occurred on Hollus' world and that of the Wreed, another sentient species the Forhilnors encountered before arriving at earth, all at the same relative times in the histories of their worlds, is too unlikely to be coincidental. Moreover, each of five forces (gravitation, electromagnetism, weak nuclear forces, strong nuclear forces, and repulsion over distance, the fifth one that humanity has not yet discovered) is necessary just as it is for stars, planets, and life to exist. Hollus tells Jericho that the chances of the chain of parameters all happening just right in just the right order are less likely than winning the lottery every day for a century. So someone has fine-tuned the universe. Indeed, Hollus has trouble understanding why Jericho is so stubbornly set in his atheism. That said, the Forhilnor believe that god takes no interest in the doings of any particular individual, so they have no religion and do not pray.
The novel consists of Jericho's first person journal covering his time spent with Hollus discussing things like the history of the universe, evolution, life, and the existence of a "master designer." Into this Jericho interweaves his relationships with his wife, adopted son, and fossils in the context of his treatment for terminal lung cancer. Into all this Sawyer (or whoever is editing Jericho's journal into the book we're reading) introduces a pair of fundamentalist Christian abortion clinic bombers who would like to introduce the aliens to the Son of God: "The aliens may believe in God, but they haven't yet found Christ."
Calculating God is a novel of ideas. For one thing, there is the conundrum as to why sentient species in the universe at a certain technological stage of development tend to destroy themselves or abandon their home worlds. For another, the Wreed have no concept of mathematics because they have 23 fingers, a prime number, unlike the human ten and the Forhilnor six. The Wreed believe that God has been calculating the future of each individual in the universe by photons, like playing chess several moves ahead, spend half of their lives trying to communicate with him/her/it, and base their morality on intuition rather than on logic. They also believe that because cancer is part of the fabric of life in the universe, it must be part of God's plan, whatever that is.
But Calculating God is more than a debate between designers and evolutionists and more than a tear-jerking cancer story, because it packs plenty of humor. Sawyer satirizes the dumbing down of contemporary culture via the ROM, which has become ever more "user-friendly," to the degree that the museum is promoted as being "run by an eight-year old," which means closing the planetarium, producing Star Trek events, and making hands-on displays. More comically, Hollus's experience with American TV shows about aliens leads him to appear on earth as a holographic projection while his real body remains safely aboard the Forhilnor star ship, to joke about not capturing humans for anal probing, and to humorously prevent a pair of Canadian FBI equivalents from taking him into custody for interrogation etc. Also amusing are Jericho's many popular culture references: The Day the Earth Stood Still, X-files, Star Trek, Star Wars, Inherit the Wind, and so on.
In his preface, Sawyer mentions that his novel has upset both atheist evolutionists and fundamentalist creationists, and I can see why that is. His god-believing advanced alien species whose worlds and DNA share so much with earth and humanity may seem like too much designer deck-stacking, while his exposure of Stephen J. Gould's theory of evolution by "punctuated equilibria" as a slick play on language may seem off-putting, and his focusing on "intelligent" life forms to prove intelligent design may seem exclusive. On the other side, devout Christians may not want to be linked to clinic-bombing, museum-hating ignoramuses, and may not appreciate Sawyer setting up "god" as a super alien without any connection to Jesus. Finally, while I enjoy the play of ideas in the book and like Hollus and his relationship with Jericho, I feel that Sawyer spends too much time on the crazy creationists plot strand, which at one point turns Jericho's journal into a suspense-action movie.
Jonathan Davis gives his usual professional and appealing reading of the novel, doing cool alien voices (the Wreeds' voice via computer translator is particularly neat).
Calculating God does what good sf does, explore what it means to be human (here, to be fragile), and it has interesting things to say about language, morality, and love. People who like Star Maker and Childhood's End would probably like this book (though those books are more affecting and less humorous).


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Last Modified: January 24, 2012
How can my doctor tell from the pathology report that a cancer is "slow-growing?"
James Metz, MD, OncoLink Editor In Chief, responds:
It is difficult to tell how quickly a tumor is growing based on a pathology report. Some tumors can look more benign then others. However, the true test is time. If there are serial scans over time showing a tumor is slowly evolving, this really gives the best information. If a patient has a recurrent tumor many years after an original diagnosis, the tumor has declared itself as slow growing.
This question and answer was part of the OncoLink Brown Bag Chat Series. View the entire Interpreting Test Results transcript.
Jun 1, 2012 - The diameter of most slow-growing melanomas changes very little over time, but the lesions can become more disorganized, less structured, and change or develop new colors, according to a study published in the June issue of the British Journal of Dermatology.

subset: commoncrawl


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Maryville 59
Maryville Sprints Past LeBlond
Maryville Sprints Past LeBlond
Maryville 59
A father of two suffering from early Dementia is hoping his message will help others who may be suffering from the same disease.
Investigators believe the fire started in the basement of the home.
The National Weather Service in Pleasant Hill can now see more of what's going on in a storm than ever before.
In 2017, the department will see its construction budget drop to $327 million. That is down from the $458 million MoDOT has said is needed to maintain the state's roads and bridges.
If you can help identify the suspect, call the TIPS hotline at (816) 238-TIPS.
Spring open burning season begins on April 6, 2015 and ends on April 26.
The victims were identified as Carol Black and Zachary Gilmore.
Jason George pleaded not guilty to burglary charges. A judge also denied bond for George.
The embattled board member and former superintendent resigned Thursday, just two weeks after a highly critical state audit report.
Neighbors say Carol Black will be a loss to the midtown neighborhood where she lived. She and her grandson died in a Thursday morning fire at her house at 16th and Olive St.
Isobel McGowan bought the Shakespeare Chateau Bed and Breakfast in 2012.
This year's goal is $100,000. The campaign runs through April.
This is Severe Weather Awareness Week and storm chasers know all too well how dangerous severe weather can be.
Colgan sent his resignation to Board President Brad Haggard.
Investigators say three people were inside the home at the time. One person was taken to the hospital.
Daron Simpson, 34, pleaded not guilty to second degree murder and first degree assault charges.
Firefighters responded to a house fire in the 1600 block of Olive Street early Thursday morning.
The Keystone XL Pipeline has been controversial in recent months.
Meteorologists rely on computer data and models to create weather forecasts. But over the years, they've relied more and more on the public and their input.
Before severe thunderstorms arrive, KCP&L is working to make sure your power and lights stay on when mother nature strikes.
National School Breakfast Week was started by the School Nutrition Association.
The Food Power Program is offered by the University of Missouri Extension.
The Justice Department formally closed its investigation of officer Darren Wilson.
The petition came up 371 signatures short of the required 2,568 to try and repeal the current smoking ban ordinance.
The latest count of St. Joseph's homeless population found 88 people in shelters.
The Department of Justice is expected to release its finding on the investigation into the Ferguson Police Department.
Nodaway County prosecutors charged Abraham Acosta with rape.
The National Weather Service says the test gives everyone a chance to practice what they would do in a real tornado.
A petition to repeal St. Joseph's city-wide smoking ban has been turned back in to the Buchanan County Clerk with 855 new signatures.
The St. Joseph Police Department has released its annual report, which focuses less on crime statistics and more on helping the community.
Kendra Long is in her first year at Robidoux Middle School.
Having a safe place to go during a storm can be as easy as heading to the basement but for some the best option is to head to a storm shelter.


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Charlene Nafziger
Rehearsal pianist for Man of La Mancha. Stratford: Assistant musical director and keyboards: The Music Man. Conductor and pianist: Outside Looking In concerts with Cynthia Dale (2013 Forum), PAL fundraising events at the Festival and Avon (2005-2013). Rehearsal pianist: Fiddler on the Roof, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, Oklahoma!, South Pacific, My One and Only, Oliver!, Hello, Dolly!, Into the Woods. Other Theatre: Music director: The Sound of Music, How to Succeed in Business, Sweet Charity, Caught in the Act II (Drayton Entertainment); The Last Resort (Stirling Festival Theatre); I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change (AHA Productions). Keyboards: Peter Pan, Annie, The Wizard of Oz, 9 to 5, Blood Brothers, Robin Hood (Drayton Entertainment). Other: Concerts with Cynthia Dale (Mount Allison University, Banff Centre for the Performing Arts, Chicago Arts Club, Richmond Hill Centre, River Run Centre). Features with orchestra: NAC, K.W. Symphony, Cambridge Symphony. Recordings: Now is the Time – Old Hymns, New Soul. Education: University of Western Ontario (BA, music; BA, education). Online: www.charlenenafziger.com. Et cetera: Charlene is grateful for the opportunity to work alongside and be inspired by so many talented people.


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In present-day suburban Tokyo, the scurry of tiny footsteps echoes underneath the floorboards of a sprawling mansion.
Fourteen-year-old Arrietty has lived in the recesses of this grand manor all her life, totally unbeknown to the two old ladies who occupy it.
Arrietty and her diminutive family survive by 'borrowing' everyday items from their inadvertent landlords.
When 12-year-old Sho moves into the mansion while awaiting medical treatment at a clinic in the city, Arrietty starts to see humans in a different light.
Disregarding her parents' advice, she announces herself to Sho and a friendship sparks into life.
The latest animated adventure from Japan's Studio Ghibli, who brought us PONYO, SPIRITED AWAY and MY NEIGHBOUR TOTORO, ARRIETTY is a magical riff on British writer Mary Norton's cherished novel The Borrowers.


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quote:Wouldn't doubt it. I also heard that the Suns GM won't pass on McLemore at 5. It's all over the place. Lol. All I'm hoping for is Burke to go 2nd and shake things up.
quote:So if Oladipo Falls to us at 6 and we draft him....what do we do? With Gordon specifically. Trade him for a 3?
quote:Personally I would prefer Burke over Oladipo.
quote:had a change of heart on shabazz?
quote:what are our chances he falls to us? Do yall see any other teams ahead of us taking him?
quote:Pelicans meeting with McLemore and Oladipohow reliable is this Chris Miles fella? this is all I could find on this "credible source" LINK
quote:As credible as Fletcher Mackel.
quote:Is that really true? Fletcher trolls Pelicans fans on the Internet for a living. I'm not saying Miles has any better sources than Fletcher, but he doesn't seem like a troll.
quote:He plays hide the banana with fletcher
quote:Mclemore's stock apparently is taking a hit as Orlando has locked into Trey Burke according to a league source
quote:I would be shocked if he is there at 6
quote:Trading Gordon and relying on McLemore as a starter will set this organization back another 2 years. I wouldn't mind having him but you don't trade Gordon as a result. It's hard a frick for a first year SG to succeed right away, especially with the concerns McLemore has. A guy like Beal struggled despite having a "good year" by rookie standards.


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Obama announces plan to tighten debit card security
Toshiba Expands Family of Gate-Drive Photocouplers
New Trajectory and Diamond initiative helps Comics and Graphic Novels extend their reach into classrooms and libraries
Elcon – Circuit Breaker Analyser (SA10)
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What is your function and your business sector? I work as the quality control officer at Transports Jean-Claude Mermet. Our business activity relates to transports, logistics and storage, and we also handle ads on vehicles as well as vehicle and office renting. Who are your clients and suppliers? Our customer base is mainly comprised of industrial companies working in all business areas (automobile, plastics processing, etc.), and also with haulage companies. As to our suppliers, they are of course vehicles suppliers and insurers, but also tyre, diesel, fuel and oil suppliers. What are your main assets in face of the competition? Our main asset resides in the fact we practically do everything by ourselves, unlike some haulage companies which subcontract. Another of our strengths lies in our proximity and our important haulage ability in the Rhônes-Alpes area thanks to more than 30 vehicles in this region, which gives our customers flexibility and quality of service. Within your current activity, what is the initiative or launch that you're the most proud of? Precisely that we do everything by ourselves. Not many haulage companies could have managed this, but we have achieved it. Has your business core evolved in the last few years? Yes. For instance, people use fewer and fewer vehicles for long trips, so they opt for subcontracts. We have also faced an important evolution concerning the working hours. Legislation has forced us to limit driving times, and also to accept compulsory break times. This, alongside giving the haulers better working conditions and reinforcing the road safety. Is innovation important to your company? Yes, but it comes a lot from the suppliers. Why? Because we're now facing many changes regarding the environment, with more and more rules imposed by the government. These are obvious advances but, economically speaking, they favour our activity in more or less proportions.
What is your function and your business sector? I am the manager of AFI since it started in 1993. Our staff includes ten employees, and we work in the industrial supplies sector as well as providing services to the building trade, companies and communities. Who are your clients and suppliers? Our clients are primarily companies from the construction industry and the industrial sector. In both cases, these may be big companies with subsidiaries as well as more local and regional SMEs, or individual tradespeople. Our suppliers are various tools suppliers and makers in Europe. At the moment we use 1094 different suppliers. What are your main assets in face of the competition? Service. We are more focused on service needs and on the solutions we deliver to the client than on the product per se. We try to determine what will best meet the client's need, we examine the bill of specifications, we check that the request duly corresponds with his needs and we attempt to find a solution satisfactory to everybody. Within your current activity, what is the initiative or launch that you're the most proud of? Products I develop for the nuclear power industry. These are products used in the transport of TFA equipment. Actually, we're at the beginning of a deconstruction phase of nuclear power, but one needs to know that this phase will last 150 years and that it involves a lot of trades and business sectors, including ours. How do you keep your customers happy? Fast logistics, a quick reactivity time and stock. We have increased our stock by 35%, and we have also developed a retail website at the same time to make our e-commerce debut. Which complementary services do you propose alongside your products? We propose a range of services and support to the client depending on his specific needs. Thanks to our network, we are able to support clients who sometimes haven't a lot of representatives, if at all.
Effective prospecting remains a key aspect of developing your business. To make it happen, you need reliable marketing strategies and a strong sales force to follow through. The keys to succeed in prospecting You must :


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Painting the Pictures of Health
Date | 05/27/2013 |
Time | 10:00 am |
Duration | 2.00 hr |
Location | Cancer Center Multipurpose Room, 540 West Pueblo Street |
Contact | (805) 898-2204 |
Documents | Please download and complete the following documents: |
Creative Programs
with Rick Stich
These classes enable participants to "take a break from cancer" while receiving support and instruction on varied art materials and creative techniques. Each session provides an opportunity to slow down, get lost in the creative process and be playful. Multiple methods of artistic expression using collage, acrylic paints, water colors, oils and drawing materials will be explored. No ability or previous experience is necessary, only the willingness to have fun.
« Return to Calendar: 05/27/2013
« Return to Calendar: Month of May 2013


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Cerulean wrote:Scenario 1: Sam is prepared to use herself as the connector that jump starts the bomb. She is proud of the upgrades that she has received and fully prepared to show her gratitude by taking one for the team (or perhaps she has had the thought implanted in her, since she seems to be speaking in a more robotic/deranged voice now). Bell, however, would prefer the use of spare parts rather than sacrifice a member of the team (of course this hinges on how close Bell is to Sam (which is somewhat unknown)). Gir starts scanning for spare parts.
"Lol, guys. i luv u so much, imma gonna kill myself now to thank you"
Cerulean wrote:I apologize for bringing this up again, I just wanted to explain my reasons for thinking as I had before this particular subject matter dies. So I'm dropping it now.
Cerulean wrote:Add in the machine voice, and the question comes up whether or not she is
A. Malfunctioning B. Slowly being taken over by the Machine C. being controlled remotely by someone in another area(something that was being discussed before)
Cerulean wrote:Add in the machine voice, and the question comes up whether or not she is
A. Malfunctioning B. Slowly being taken over by the Machine C. being controlled remotely by someone in another area(something that was being discussed before)
Blood Lord wrote:A couple of problems. The first is that I've never seen Sam display gratitude in this, so why would she now?
"Lol, guys. i luv u so much, imma gonna kill myself now to thank you"
Cerulean wrote:I do tend to think that she is running from something as well. That's a good possibility (in my opinion), especially since we don't know what led to her desire to become 100% full metal. I thought of something similar after reading that theory. I think that Blossom could possibly analyze Sam's behavior and (unintentionally) hit a nerve while trying to find out why she is so intent on being perfect (should the topic actually come up during battle). However, instead of this event causing her to feel depressed, I can see it sending her further into a rage. From there, it could lead to Sam charging and (somehow lead to her) accidentally connecting the two wires (and start the bomb).
Cerulean wrote:What about the possibility of Sam having the idea suggested to her? Or having someone interrupt her thought process to the point that this idea is the only one that makes sense?
Blood Lord wrote:I don't think there is anything human left, not even the brain.
BeeAre wrote:I note that by your own rating it appears that Samantha is more Cybermen than Dalek from the current transliteration of her words from cryptic Robo-Speak to English Exposition. And even more plain cyborg from the things we know that are lies to anyone organic in the story at minimum.
Cybermen had no emotions and viewed them as a weakness. They frequently attempted to physically and mentally re-engineer humans and other humanoids into Cybermen, via a process called "cyber-conversion" or "upgrading".
Havoc751 wrote: I was thinking something like in Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood
Cyber-conversion usually involved removing the brain of the subject painfully and placing it within a suit of armour. Once complete, the new Cybermen had a special implant which prevented them from feeling emotions. If the implants were disrupted, the Cybermen entered into a traumatic state caused by the pain of the conversion. This inevitably resulted in an agonising death from the overload of emotions. (TV: Rise of the Cybermen / The Age of Steel)
BeeAre wrote: EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE.
BeeAre wrote:However, of all the Cluster representatives, Samantha is unique. But in a way that precedes Bell. A failure, to be frank. Dr. X's origins are pretty far-reaching as the means by which the various universes can begin overlapping. He is the Crossroads. It's even in his name.
Cerulean wrote:It's not set in stone until it happens (well that or until BeeAre says otherwise), so it's still a possibility. That is a pretty nice example you have there by the way.
Havoc751 wrote:I kinda want Sam to die in a way that makes us feel sorry for her. Something that doesn't make her seem so "one dimensional". But with her current appearance, I don't really see that happening.
TheMadDoctor wrote:sorry, just this brief moment of doctor who without people nagging me about it just elates me.
BeeAre wrote:I've been eliminating the Darkstar Council systematically because they are dedicated to their cause and otherwise unimportant on Earth. They are a prelude to what happens off the Earth. :]
BeeAre wrote:Dr. X's origins are pretty far-reaching as the means by which the various universes can begin overlapping. He is the Crossroads. It's even in his name.
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quote:I'll take the under as the lock of the week
quote:i will hit bama 21 and under.
quote:La Tech +8 Home crowd will be rocking! Texas A&M is solid, I'm just not sold that they can stop anyone. Expect a shoot out with the winner being the last team with the ball
quote:I expect A&M to score in the 50-60 point range in this game (LTs defense is absolutely horrible), and expect LT to score in the 30s. I think the over is the play if you're going to bet on this game.
quote:Over is the play
quote:I can't figure out for the life of me why the WKU line is so low?


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Roll Over Image to Zoom
Fire Truck Sleeping Bag & Pillowcase Set
No longer available
- Overview
Give the gift of a childhood favorite with our cozy, kid-sized sleeping bag set. It's a must-have for movie nights, overnights or any night.
- 26" wide x 57" long
- Exterior and interior are pure cotton percale.
- Lofty polyester batting.
- Zipper closure.
- Sold as a set with a matching pillowcase.
- Machine wash.
- Imported.
- Dimensions & Care
- Exterior shell is 100% cotton canvas.
- Interior lining is 100% cotton percale.
- Standard Pillowcase: 20 x 30"
- 250-gram-weight polyester batting.
- Machine wash in warm water; gentle cycle.
- Use only nonchlorine bleach, if needed.
- Tumble dry on low heat; remove promptly.
- Shipping Info
Please allow 5-7 business days for delivery. Delivery estimate includes monogrammed and gift-wrapped items.
To confirm delivery time frames in your area, please call 800.993.4923.


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KCSB's Winter Orientation 2015 for New »
KCSB is your campus & community radio station and we want to meet you at our next recruitment meeting for new programmers and [Read More]
KCSB to Air DEMOCRACY NOW's Live Election »
Tune in tonight, Tuesday, November 4th from 5-8pm, as KCSB-FM airs "Democracy Now!"'s live Election Day coverage. Their announcement reads: With [Read More]
Public Affairs
KCSB-FM Reads ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK as UCSB READS Returns! (Weekdays Starting Monday, January 26 at 12noon)
As UCSB Reads celebrates its 9th year, KCSB-FM will again host a series of live readings each weekday starting Monday, January 26th, at 12noon PST. [Read More]
NAFTA at 20; Amazon CEO press purchase: No Alibis 010814 PODCAST
Melinda St. Louis, Director of Public Citizen's International Campaigns joined Elizabeth Robinson to discuss the impact of NAFTA 20 years on as well [Read More]


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quote:only skins and what not which I don't care about
quote:But you see, Persona and Megaten fans go crazy over it. I bought the extra for the PS2 version of Persona 4 for $30. A week after it was sold out, the lowest bid was for $220. Persona swag and merch is some of easiest resell-able stuff out there. Even moreso with Golden since so few have a Vita right now. There will be many JRPG fans who get buy one later on who will want that skin.
quote: send me a friend request, my name is the same as my name on here.
quote:Sent you a friend request.
quote:At least throw it up on ebay or Amazon and make some cash off of it.


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Narrow By Clear All
- Little Wonders (5)
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Little Wonders Socks & Underwear
Adorable baby socks keep tiny toes warm
When your infant was born, you marveled at how his or her tiny feet fit in the palm of your hand. Take good care of your newborn's tootsies with a collection of warm and toasty baby socks. While plain white socks are a must for everyday wear, you'll also find plenty of fun and colorful prints among Kmart's collection of baby essentials. Be prepared as your little one grows with comfy cotton basics like toddler socks and toddler underwear for breathable support beneath your kiddo's clothes.
Just because a newborn's only responsibilities are eating and sleeping doesn't mean that they don't get cold feet. A warm core and appendages are important throughout your infant's day, so start with a base of plain white socks and a bodysuit. Ten-packs of Athletech crew socks are perfect for wicking away moisture with a cotton blend, so your baby's soles stay dry even when he or she is active. Colorful baby socks and booties can brighten your little one's wardrobe with animal prints, stripes or frilly lace.
Once your baby takes his or her first steps, there will be no stopping him or her from scooting around the house. Toddler socks with no-skid bottoms keep your tot sure-footed on slippery kitchen floors and other smooth surfaces. Packaged in sets of five to ten, toddler socks still come with plenty of replacements for the times when one goes missing in the wash. Elastic bands keep bobby socks and athletic socks from sliding into shoes, while reinforced toes and heels prevent holes from appearing after hundreds of trips through the washing machine.
When your tot is ready to make the switch from diapers to potty training, give your kiddo the confidence he or she needs with toddler underwear in a variety of patterns and prints. Briefs displaying their favorite cartoon character will bring a smile to young faces, while princess panties will inspire her to pull them on all by herself. Toddler underwear sets are constructed with elastic waistbands that won't irritate their skin, as well as non-slip leg openings to keep your tot secure beneath toddler bottoms.
Whether your baby has just discovered his or her feet or is already racing around the yard, you'll need plenty of socks and underwear to cover your tot's basic needs.


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quote:A coonass wears rubber boots
quote:Hancock Co. MS
quote:alexandra own up to arky
quote:Idk about coonass, but there's a lot who have that nola accent in Hancock Co. MS
quote:There is nothing Cajun/Coonass about New Orleans.
quote:A lot of people group them together
quote:And it's annoying as hell. Creole is about as close to Cajun as Asians are to Martians
quote:Marksville/Alec is probably a good place to draw an imaginary line.
quote: I've seen some Vietnamese people that look like the aliens from MARS ATTACKS


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Pursuit Glove
Fits like a glove...You've heard it a thousand times, so have we. What actually defines how a glove should fit? We think the new standard is our Pursuit™ glove. The supple leather conforms to your hands, plus, durable knuckle armor is there for protection, but hidden for a refined look. The chassis is built for all day comfort with a reinforced Battlehide goatskin palm to combat those nasty encounters with the asphalt. Try it on for yourself and then decide. This is what a glove was meant to be.
$75.00 Suggested Retail USD
- Perforated battlehide goatskin leather chassis
- Non-perforated goatskin leather chassis (stealth & pink)
- Palm overlay for durability
- Integrated knuckle armor for protection
- Secure wrist closure keeps the glove in place
- Expansion gussets to improve overall flexibility
- Snap to keep gloves together while not in use
- Women's specific fit
- Non-Perf Stealth Is 100% Goat Skin Leather
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5 brilliantmariag152 | 18/06/2013 | See all mariag152's reviews (1)this is the 3rd in the crossfires set, it carries on from book 2 with no leap in time, well done to the author, Sylvia Day, it leaves you wanting more
2 the book didn't justify the time we've waited for it :(Daggimou | 07/06/2013 | See all Daggimou's reviews (3)well, was quite a bit disappointed, as I waited months for it, nothing really new was established and now it has changed from a trilogy to a quinted. So an open end again. Don't think I will get the next 2 books, as the last was not worth it's price.Feel actually a bit cheated. Just recommend everybody to wait until the price drops to avoid any disappointment, you won't lose anything by waiting some more time, wished I had known before :(
3 disappointedsambam12 | 25/06/2013 | See all sambam12's reviews (1)i feel abit cheated with this book i loved the first 2 and waited ages for this one to come out only to get to the end and its still not finished now im gonna have to wait another 6 months or so for the next 1 i thought this series was advertised as a trilogy, really disappointed
3 exciting or notmummy1986 | 13/06/2013 | See all mummy1986's reviews (1)Anyone know when the next books are out????This story was OK but was shocked that nothing really happened jus hope the exciting stuff is to come xx


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Treble Clef Dinner Fork, Set of 4
Great Flatware
I have been looking online for this flatware for a couple of years. I can't believe I finally found them and not have to buy the whole set. I , like I'm sure other people, Have children that loose a few pieces, and don't want to invest in a new pattern when all I need are forks! Thank You for a great shopping experience.
October 4, 2013
A good match with the black "Trilogy" dinnerware.
After viewing the photos online, I guess I was a little worried about the robustness of this flatware set. Once I received them, I found them to be quite sturdy and to have a nice heft to them. I am very happy with them.
September 30, 2013
I purchased these to build on the set I bought 10 yrs ago. They are just as sturdy and beautiful as the ones previously purchased at a different retailer.
June 17, 2013
Better than Described
I hedged on purchasing these as neither the description here or the sales person at the store could verify whether or not they were 18/10. I was in a rush so I took the sales persons word that the flatware was not marked. I bought 20pc. the whole set of them because even though it remained unverified whether they were 18/10 or not, I loved their style, the price, I could feel they weren't flimsy. It was only when I was wiping them after soaking them to get the sticky sku tags off that I saw INDEED each and every piece was MARKED 18/10.... so I was even that much more delighted with the purchase. I would suggest whomever is responsible for putting product descriptions on the website add that detail, as for the price my guess is knowing they are 18/10 stainless steel would enhance sales. I am very happy with this purchase.
November 21, 2010
Durable and attractive. My favorite.
I started out with a set of forks and spoons. I have continually added place settings and serving pieces. This product is attractive and has a classic look. The pieces are durable and dishwasher safe. They handle well and feel good in the hand. I get compliments all the time about them as they dress up a table nicely. A great value. The World Market store in our town closed due to the recession and I am sad that I can't readily continue to purchase while out shopping.
November 11, 2009
Definitely a good choice!
This set is one of my favorite purchases. The utensils are heavy without being overly heavy and feel really good in the hand. I love the unique-ness of them.
December 30, 2008
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Just published our Red Bull (Sound Selects): Product Design + Illustration project. Check it » http://t.co/yHW0p8YKbR #RedBull
Dec 10th at 10:53am
@AdobeCCDesign Thanks for the kind words and shout out! Cheers!
Nov 20th at 4:00pm
RT @AdobeCCDesign: Retro inspired, but totally contemporary. This branding project by @colorcubic screams cool: http://t.co/OxVVKP3Ekk http…
Nov 20th at 4:00pm


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Drug Notes
UPMC Patient Education Materials
Calculators and Assessment Tools
Anatomy Navigator
Conditions Navigator
Chloride is a type of electrolyte . It works with other electrolytes such as potassium, sodium, and carbon dioxide (CO2). These substances help keep the proper balance of body fluids and maintain the body's acid-base balance.
This article is about the laboratory test used to measure the amount of chloride in the fluid portion (serum) of the blood.
Serum chloride test
A blood sample is needed. Most of the time blood is drawn from a vein located on the inside of the elbow or the back of the hand.
Many medicines can interfere with blood test results.
Your doctor may order this test if you have signs that your body's fluid level or acid-base balance is disturbed.
This test is usually ordered with other blood tests, such as a basic or comprehensive metabolic panel.
A typical normal range is 96 - 106 milliequivalents per liter (mEq/L).
Note: Normal value ranges may vary slightly among different laboratories. Talk to your doctor about the meaning of your specific test results.
The example above shows the common measurement range for results for these tests. Some laboratories use different measurements or may test different specimens.
A greater-than-normal level of chloride is called hyperchloremia. It may be due to:
A lower-than-normal level of chloride is called hypochloremia. It may be due to:
This test may also be done to help rule out or diagnose:
Seifter JR. Acid-base disorders. In: Goldman L, Schafer AI, eds.Cecil Medicine. 24th ed. Philadelphia, Pa: Saunders Elsevier; 2011:chap 120.
David C. Dugdale, III, MD, Professor of Medicine, Division of General Medicine, Department of Medicine, University of Washington School of Medicine. Also reviewed by A.D.A.M. Health Solutions, Ebix, Inc., Editorial Team: David Zieve, MD, MHA, Bethanne Black, Stephanie Slon, and Nissi Wang.
For help in finding a doctor or health service that suits your needs, call the UPMC Referral Service at 412-647-UPMC (8762) or 1-800-533-UPMC (8762). Select option 1.
UPMC is an equal opportunity employer. UPMC policy prohibits discrimination or harassment on the basis of race, color, religion, ancestry, national origin, age, sex, genetics, sexual orientation, gender identity, marital status, familial status, disability, veteran status, or any other legally protected group status. Further, UPMC will continue to support and promote equal employment opportunity, human dignity, and racial, ethnic, and cultural diversity. This policy applies to admissions, employment, and access to and treatment in UPMC programs and activities. This commitment is made by UPMC in accordance with federal, state, and/or local laws and regulations.
Medical information made available on UPMC.com is not intended to be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. You should not rely entirely on this information for your health care needs. Ask your own doctor or health care provider any specific medical questions that you have. Further, UPMC.com is not a tool to be used in the case of an emergency. If an emergency arises, you should seek appropriate emergency medical services.
For UPMC Mercy Patients: As a Catholic hospital, UPMC Mercy abides by the Ethical and Religious Directives for Catholic Health Care Services, as determined by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. As such, UPMC Mercy neither endorses nor provides medical practices and/or procedures that contradict the moral teachings of the Roman Catholic Church.
© UPMC Pittsburgh, PA, USA UPMC.com


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Black men: obsolete, single, dangerous? : Afrikan American families in transition : essays in discovery, solution, and hopeThe author examines the trends effecting negative changes on the African American male and responds with solutions. Sold in excess of 500,000 copies, a Third World Press best seller. |
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Review: Black Men, Obsolete, Single, Dangerous?: The Afrikan American Family in Transition
User Review - Ken - Goodreadsexcellent book. inspired me to be a more productive husband father and man. Read full review
Review: Black Men, Obsolete, Single, Dangerous?: The Afrikan American Family in Transition
User Review - Vanessa Thompson - GoodreadsThis book was different. It brought a new inside appearance of the Black man struggles. I think all people should read. This book was for a women's study class in college. Read full review
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Found the same room at a different price? Tell us, and we'll offer to match it.
Royal Station Hotel
3 | Visit England Assessed Hotel | Ratings explained |
During the Festive Period, Leisure Club opening hours will be restricted at the Royal Station Hotel, Newcastle upon Tyne. Please contact the hotel for further information on opening times.
Please note T&C's for group bookings for 6 or more rooms differ from standard terms please contact the hotel for further details
We now provide free limited guest wifi at a speed of 400kbits, this is a free to use service suitable for browsing the internet, facebook, webmail etc. If a guest would like to pay for a more premium service this is available for £1.00 per hour, £5.00 per day and £10.00 per week, at speeds up to 3072kbits that is capable of streaming on line media.


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November/December 2014
December 9, 2014 3:56 pm | by Surgical Products Staff | CommentsThis is the digital version of the November-December 2014 issue of Surgical Products magazine.
July/August 2014
September 15, 2014 4:23 pm | by Surgical Products Staff | CommentsThis is the digital version of the July/August 2014 issue of Surgical Products magazine.
2015 Buyers' Guide
June 13, 2014 3:42 pm | CommentsThe complete product directory for the surgical market, the 2015 Surgical Products Buyers' Guide features information on equipment, systems, services, and supplies.
May 2014
May 7, 2014 11:43 am | CommentsIn this issue, improving old and antiquated ORs meant embracing OR integration for one Florida hospital, and the best approach for preventing SSIs employs a bundle of evidence-based practices...
April 2014
April 7, 2014 3:43 pm | CommentsIn this issue, facility construction and expansion is on the decline when compared to past years, and the Affordable Care Act is forcing the healthcare industry to re-evaluate everything...
March 2014
March 7, 2014 2:12 pm | CommentsIn this issue, an investment in ultraviolet disinfection technology helped one facility tackle C. diff and overhauling its cramped central supply area has led to increased efficiency for one New Jersey hospital.
January/February 2014
February 4, 2014 11:43 am | Comments3D viewing throughout the operating room is an exciting new reality for the healthcare industry. Also in this issue, qualified physician extenders will be critical toward addressing future surgical patient needs, and the education and awareness of the hazards of surgical smoke has increased.
November/December 2013
November 8, 2013 1:17 pm | CommentsTake a look at the top products from this year's ESP Awards along with a Q&A with Best of Show Winners. Also in this issue, Three industry experts discuss OR waste, sustainable practices, and green healthcare; and cutting-edge technology is only as useful as a facility's ability to leverage it to improve efficiency.
September/October 2013
September 13, 2013 1:14 pm | CommentsHybrid OR technology is making a major impact at Chicago's Rush University Medical Center. Also in this issue, Pennsylvania's LVHN employs seven UV disinfection systems to fight HAIs and an objective approach to efficiency pays dividends for one Ohio hospital.
July/August 2013
July 9, 2013 12:01 pm | CommentsThe annual surgical spend at the facility of a Surgical Products reader will be about $175,000 this year, and the majority of those surveyed indicated spending on instrumentation will increase. Also in this issue, the prevalence of sharps injuries in the operating room seems to be -- at best -- not changing, and it may be increasing.
2014 Buyers' Guide
June 17, 2013 4:58 pm | CommentsThe complete product and supplier directory for the surgical market, the 2014 Surgical Products Buyers' Guide features information on equipment, systems, services, and supplies.
May 2013
May 1, 2013 1:39 pm | CommentsDespite some challenges, MIS surgery is poised for sustained growth and development in emerging markets. Also in this issue, evaluating take-apart instruments for laparoscopic procedures is no easy task.
April 2013
April 3, 2013 2:21 pm | CommentsA significant percentage of U.S. hospitals are in the midst of expansion. Also in this issue, integrated operating rooms are changing the way surgery is performed and medicine is practiced.
March 2013
March 8, 2013 5:27 pm | CommentsThe busier the environment at your hospital or medical facility, the more difficult it is to track all the steps of surgical prepping with manual processes. Also in this issue, there was a lot to see at the 60th Annual Congress: Association of Perioperative Registered Nurses in San Diego.
January/February 2013
February 12, 2013 3:36 pm | CommentsA look at the top products from companies that will appear at the upcoming 60th AORN Congress. Also in this issue, a strong desire to dramatically improve OR efficiency led one South Carolina hospital to purchase and implement a real-time process management solution.