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Welcome to if someone *had* to cop a bottle in the face, at least it was Redfoo.
I've been a nightmare this week. A grumpy, assholic cunt and I'm happy to own that. Poor, suffering anyone who dared displease me has been left without any doubt of this. It's hard to know what caused it exactly; probably more a culmination of things. Hit a point last Friday of mental and/or physical decimation. Constantly from one task to the next, even basic day-to-day stuff, too many questions to answer, too many people want something, too much to do, not enough sleep, annoying ice bucket challenges, practically non-existent social life, I'm injured and god knows what else have all taken a toll. It's not like life is bad, everything is just too much. September and October promise to ramp shit up to another level entirely too. Cannot wait...
There is one highlight at the moment and that's that the part where the end of building a house being in sight, is in sight. So just to clarify - the end isn't in sight, the time when you can say that it is, is. I'll be over the fucking moon about it too. While we all digest that preposterous statement lets run through activities of the week and my life. If you're not interested just scroll your mouse wheel down a wee bit and enjoy some of the insanely awesome external links.
Friday bloody Friday. The previous 4 days had been 8am til midnight in front of the computer working on updates and whatever else required my attention. Begrudgingly dragged myself out of bed and reluctantly drove to the building site. Arriving wouldn't have been complete without anything less than half an hour of talking shop with the tradies. Unloaded tools, did a little bit of work, got interrupted for some more discussion, recommenced activities and spent a few incredibly frustrating hours trying -in vain- to pull some wires through a wall cavity. Why the fuck anyone would want to be an electrician is beyond me? Eventually gave up and cheated before bailing mid-afternoon to go collect supplies. Got that sorted, ate lunch on the road, did the groceries, came home, put everything away and then without so much as missing a beat, moved on to some completely non-optional weeding until it was too dark to continue. An utterly annoying day from the get go.
Saturday fucking Saturday. Back onsite bright and early for a clean-up and sweep out. A hard slog that may have been over sooner if not for 3 separate friends dropping by, guided tours and lengthy chats. I usually find myself in those situations torn somewhere between "Please fuck off - I have stuff to do" and "Please stay - I have no connection to the outside world". The sooner part miraculously materialised early arvo and I made it home to a house full of people. Socialised for a few and then later in the day escaped with GF and kid down to the coast for a walk and beer. Formulated a plan to get a babysitter so the 2 of us could GTFO unencumbered that evening. Was hallelujah when she rolled up and we made a speedy exit to scoff sushi and see a film. After some toing and froing we settled on Lucy which was good but not great. Why? 1) The director is one of my favourites so expectations were [probably unachievably] high; 2) the Korean mob start off as a scary, sophisticated gangsters and finish as hoodlums with guns; 3) Lucy was smart enough to know pretty much everything... except that the Koreans had followed her to Paris; 4) Samsung product placement was OTT. Even the door locks in the hotel room were Samsung.
Sunday fabulous Sunday. We had some plan for baby photos that morning which, thankfully, killed having to partake in any house related stuff. Then those plans fell through. So we made other plans and, at the last minute, they fell through too. This is the stuff dreams are made of. We got our shit together and headed southward to Fremantle. Fucking spectacular day for it too. Matter of fact no one has any business calling this time of year winter. It's not cold, not wet and there's more sun than shade. So we get there, its busy and potentially going to be easier without the pram... I'm quickly convinced to harness. Spend 5 minutes suiting up in one of those overly complicated contraptions designed to comfortably and safely strap a baby to your chest Mini Me style. Talk about feeling/looking like a giant homo but it turns out they're frickin' good. You can just go about your biz and the biggest problem you have is not how hard it is to push a pram around, it's making sure you don't drop food on sleeping baby's head.
Happily enjoyed a few hours walking around taking it all in before heading off to a friend's place to fix her bed. Admittedly sounds ominous but really its just a cheap, shitty frame that keeps falling apart. Nothing a lot of screws couldn't fix. Just when I thought we were home free there was a phone call... long story short - head over to the house to do some stuff; has to be done for tomorrow. Go home, change clothes and head over. Was barely 10 minutes worth... that took well over an hour. WHY? Two chatty neighbours - finished with one and over strolled another. I think it might actually be easier to set up a Twitter for them to follow - just post pics and updates as to what's going on, what trades are due next or have been recently and so on. Failing that, press conferences.
Orright let's move on shall we? I'm running massively behind today so definitely worth my while shutting up and skipping straight to where I command you guys to check it...
Scary/Cool Check Out This Guy Channelling Gnarls Barkley On The Commute Home - Asshole This Old Lady Gets Put In Her Place For Her Crappy Parking - U Psychic?How Psychic Are You? - Selfie Binge Dad Films Daughter Going On A Selfie Binge - 1km Barrel Ever Seen A Surfer In A 1km Barrel Ride? - K.O.L.M Find Your Missing Parts - 90's Playmate Kerri Kendall Was Playboy's Playmate Of The Month For September Of 1990 - Vaj Flash Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace No Pantie Upskirt - Meltdown The Cam Whore Meltdown Compilation - JiltedCrazy Drunk Girlfriend And Other Videos Of The Day
HarshDad Destroys Son's Video Game Collection With Lawnmower - Bad Dude Man Charged With Double Murder Attempts To Attack The Family Members In Court - Black IV Go Around Shooting Stick Peeps - Bwahaha Chubby Goof Ball Picks A Fight With A Fists Of Fury Tranny - No SenseThe Tribal Booty Dance - Ka-BOOM! Female MMA Fighter Last Less Than 5 Seconds In The Ring - Fingerbang This Farmer Got An Unexpected Surprise While Inspecting His Land Today - Pimp HandShop Lifter Gets The Pimp Hand From Shop Owner - Inhumanity Inhumanity Is Free Porn Tube Awesomeness - Stunners 40 Truly Beautiful Girl
Sweep Miner Rescue The Kid In The Mine And Get To The Exit Alive! - About TimeHow To Have Cyber Sex! - Waddle Pregnant As Fuck Hayden Panettiere For The Emmys Of The Day - Crazy BitchWhy You Don't Date Crazy Bitche - FB Fails 20 Hilarious Examples Of Stupidity On Facebook - Great Anal Great Anal Fuck With A Loud Blonde Bitch - Insufficient When You See A Video Like This One You Really Wonder If This Is Possible - Busty Buffy Lucie Wilde Creaming Her Big Tits In The Kitchen - Beach BoobsMillie Mackintosh Caught Topless On The Beach
A teenage boy seemed placid as the doctor approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting. The doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy. The boy looked right through the doctor and started screaming "I can't see! I can't see!" The doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career! He turned to the mother and asked "How long has this been going on?" Without looking up she replied "Ever since you stepped between him and the TV!"
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Dianne agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Dianne" he said "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?" "Don't be ridiculous" she replied "I don't care who gave you the money!"
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale". A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish". The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish. His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that". The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish. His son replied "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"
Two rednecks were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first redneck says to the second "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The second redneck crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even".
Part #1 can be found if you're clever enough to click here and if you're really, really clever, part #2 here.
-Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza, had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, he grabbed her and spun her around, as he did she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly.
-Mummod Foli, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia after he accidentally took away the gangster's drink too soon at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 litres of 'coca cola' (the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned.
-Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
-Helena Simms, wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off the victim never attended a doctors surgery or hospital for a check-up.
-Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two-timing wife by loading her car with Trinity Nitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons, some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found. Only a 55 metre deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
-Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine. As she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
-Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie "Die Hard, With a Vengeance" as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read "Death to all Niggers!" on one side, and "God loves the KKK" on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to down town Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
-Jay Newton was killed after a co-worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 tonne killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a large crane, when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale, crushing the victim instantly.
-Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane, the plane's gear automatically retracted after take-off. But come landing time they wouldn't re-engage, and the helpless Densinter couldn't do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly.
-Mary Dridely, Joesph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building, David Smee, 7 years old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotels gaming room. Bored, the kids thought it'd be fun to try to squish the "ant looking things on the footpath below"; aka people. They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.
-Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. Then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian" Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.
-Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zoo keeper Boyfriend Mattew Kellaway after she refused sex. He 'invited her' to the zoo to see the lion feeding, and at feeding time led her into a room that had a large slide away panel, He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He 'ducked out for a quick smoke' and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many persons staring at her, she was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realised that it was her on the wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.
-In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
As the blonde was standing by the first tee waiting for her golf lesson from the club's pro, she watched a foursome in the process of teeing off. The first golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 230 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.
"That was a really good shot" said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What do you mean?" "I have a glass eye" said the golfer. "I don't believe you!"
So he popped his eye out and showed her. The next golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 240 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Again, the blonde exclaimed "That was a really good shot!"
"Not bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" said the blonde. "I have a prosthetic arm" he replied. "I don't believe you, show me" said the blonde. So he screwed his arm off and showed it to her.
The next golfer addressed the ball and swung, hitting it 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a really good shot" said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "What's wrong with you?" "I have a prosthetic leg". "I don't believe you!" So that golfer screwed his leg off and showed it to her.
The fourth golfer then addressed his ball, swung, and blasted it 280 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. "That was a wonderful shot" said the blonde. "Not bad considering my impediment" said the golfer. "Now what's wrong with you?" she asked. "I have an artificial heart" said the golfer. "I don't believe you, show me". "Well, I can't show you out here" the golfer said. "Come around behind the Pro-Shop".
As he, nor the blonde, had not returned after a few minutes, his golf buddies decided to go see what was holding things up. As they turned the corner and went behind the Pro-Shop, sure enough, there was their pal screwing his heart out.
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone".
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the guy and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the pharmacist interjected "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it... "This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket".
"Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook".
He continued "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke.
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife.
She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer... and, honestly mate, all I did was tell her!"
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A young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the nearby carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.
Saluting smartly he said "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied "You make onry one velly, velly selious mistake".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
A man walks into a bar after a long ride on his horse. He walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. When he gets his beer, he starts eying this beautiful lady in the corner.
Just as he turns back, a monkey runs up to the beer, dunks his balls in the beer, and runs off.
Agitated, the man says to the bartender "I can't drink this now! Give me another beer!" So, the bartender brings him another beer. Before the man could do anything about it, the monkey ran back over, dunked his balls in the beer and ran off before the man could grab him.
Even angrier, the man says "I can't drink this now. Bring me another beer!" He gets another beer and guards it with his life. The monkey sneaks up behind him, knocks the stool out from underneath the man, hops up onto the bar and dunks his balls in the beer.
Now the man is thoroughly pissed. He grabs the bartender and says "Man, I've had it. Whose stupid monkey is this anyway?" The bartender replied "It belongs to the piano player".
The man walks over to the piano player and says "Excuse me, do you know your monkey is dunking his balls in my beer?"
To this the piano player replies "No, I sure don't, but if you hum a few notes, I'll do my best".
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realised he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital.
He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require around the clock care. Feeding her, bathing her, even wiping her ass. And you'll be her care giver forever!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said "I'm just screwin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father was the principal, his mother was the vice principal, and his sister was an administrator.
He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs Johnson. He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs Johnson, please take off your shirt". Mrs Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off!"
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you. So Mrs Johnson removed her shirt. Then Johnny says "Mrs Johnson, please take off your skirt". Mrs Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off!"
So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you". Mrs Johnson then removed her skirt.
Then Johnny says "Mrs Johnson, please take off your bra and panties". Mrs Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off!". So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".
Mrs Johnson then removed her bra and panties. Then Johnny says "Mrs Johnson, please lay on the table". Mrs Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I will not lay on the table!" So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".
Mrs Johnson lays on the table. So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her. All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER" So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying!"
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks "Esther, did we pay our Visa and MasterCard bill yet?" "No, sweetheart" she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check" she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the income tax cheque to Revenue Canada this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abe" begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either".
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him "What was that for?" Abe answers "They'll find us!"
I'm just going to come out and say it - I am out of here and reading this next/last bit will be beneficial to your health....
-Check out the site archives. That's what I do with my life...
-Next update will be next Thursday. Fuck it right in the pussy.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will nominate you for the cum bucket challenge.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and there is no need for ridiculous eyewear. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to having always thought Dire Straits were an American band...
I've had a bee in my bonnet for years about the media. Basically the biggest bunch of cunts out of all professions. The lines between fact and opinion are deliberately obscured by bullshit because it makes for better TV or up's the pageviews. And that alone doesn't come close to covering all the shitty things they do but this week, for me at least, they can pat themselves on the back for bringing beheadings to the mainstream. There's absolutely nothing new about seeing people horrifically murdered online but it wasn't that long ago when shit like that could only be found in the deepest, darkest reaches of the internet. 'Chechen soldier throat slit' was a big deal when it first appeared on the internet and I only ever would have discussed it with my most demented mates. Now my newsfeed has lit up with people I'd never have expected to watch that sort of thing making comments about how outrageous it is, and "fuck Islam" and whatever... but they still watched because it was okay to watch because everyone else was. And with that society is another step closer to who knows what... somewhere probably pretty fucked up.
Talking of pretty fucked up lets skip across to my week and the goings-on. At this point it feels like a long, long time since I've been able to just sit down and relax so fucked up might not be quite right. It's constantly from one thing to the next. Always on, all the time. Tired and unsettled. Things could be far worse... or a bit better. Let's begin by recounting last Friday...
I arrived fashionably not that early on the building site to tackle a bunch of things that, unsurprisingly, needed tackling. Anyway... spent a couple of hours counting: how many internal and external light fittings we need, how many network points there are and also what plumbing fixtures are still required. And then set off to buy them all. I hit plumbing places and electrical places and hardware places and eventually returned with only a handful of what was needed. "Everything has to come from over east, sorry". Why companies have stores with stuff on display that you can't buy then and there confuses me.
The rest of my day was food shopping, a few hours working on this and other updates plus a bunch of things all to menial to warrant a mention so let's skip to Saturday...
The morning kicked off with the whimpering and grizzles of my nearly one month old. Grab her, palm off for a feed, shower self, quickly change nappy and begin the rocking-back-to-sleep process. If there's one thing I hate about parenthood it's that trying to get baby to sleep part. It's boring and frustrating when you have shit to do or somewhere to be. Just when you think they're asleep... WAAAH WAHH! I've now learnt the trick is to get them to sleep, put down in the bassinet and bail bail bail!! Then its mummy's problem...
Following that I was onsite for about 8.30 and out of these by about 3.30pm. Would've been hours sooner if not for neighbours coming over to chat and inspect, same with friends and fam and even rando's who live nearby just wanting a look/tour. Cheers everyone for selfishly monopolising my time but you're preventing me from well, you know, getting anything done. In some ways that was actually okay because it was heavy lifting day. A pile of the densest stone in the known universe had to be shifted from front to back followed by digging the biggest hole since that one opened up in Russia a few weeks ago. That lasted as long as it took me to strike and severe an ominous-looking cable a few feet down. Panic ensued; thankfully wasn't electrocuted and careful examination [aka a firm tug] revealed it to be the old telephone cable which had been previously disconnected. Telstra, why you no conduit?
The baby gurgling noises had me up shit-the-bed-early on Sunday. Put the time to good use by getting the fuck out and plonking myself in front of the computer to attack a gigantic pile of papers. A long passage of time later all bills were paid plus those of three other people. Why? Because believe it or not by using my credit card and taking the chance they'll conveniently forget to pay me is less of a headfuck than having to try and work it out in a few months when no one has any idea what was for what. Yes I understand that makes no sense. Put it this way - I pay the full bill, send an email to whoever requesting they transfer $X to me and hope for the best.
Next trick was to, same as the week before, politely ask prospective sister-in-law to get her ass over and babysit so we could escape the house and eat some dim sums. Firstly, thank god for helpful family. Secondly, the freedom to do what I want, when I want, is gone.
We invited the extended fam over that afternoon for tea and cake. None of them had met the latest addition yet so rather than torture our exhausted bodies and brains even more by squeezing a series of visits into time that I just don't have, a group thing seemed like a smarter idea. And it was. But something that has to stop the second anyone pops out a fuck trophy is the gift giving. To say we've cleaned up is a gross understatement. The baby shower was bad enough - literally couldn't fit everything in the back of our reasonably sized SUV to cart it home that day. The madness doesn't stop there though. A new round of present receiving starts as soon as the little cherub is liberated from its human encasement. Sure it's probably all just re-gifted and half of it will in turn be re-gifted but shit has gotten out of control. The best bit of advice I can give anyone senselessly obligated to prove friendship and love through gift-giving is that CASH is far more appreciated than presents. Going straight to a bank account for first car or schooling or travel or whatever is better than a third Sophie the Giraffe toy.
And as usual I managed to waffle on far longer than it had to. Luckily if you're still with me I get to tell you guys just how fucking awesome the below update it. Took forever selecting which 76 videos to post as well as what 5 galleries to make and which 50 pics would make a kick ass Random Shite. So go forth, make sure you have rubber gloves, tissues and lube [where necessary] ready and enjoy it like a Ferguson looter. Check it...
Cruel/Fair - No F-ing Way!! - How Annoying - Favourites - Telltale Signs - Bike Ass - Revealing - Gorgeous - Porn Pitfall
Make 9 - Ga-Gross - Shame America - Relevant - Cunt Pig - Close Call!! - Racist Bitch - Silly Beans - Tarzangasm
Easy Is It? - I'ma Be Good - Skanked - Rock Bottom - Retro Porn - Church Slut - Squirter - Titties Out - Bikini Gem
The police have raided Cliff's house and removed loads of stuff, let's hope its child porn and not a new album.
An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room. In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling. The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one! Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says "What you mean... wrong hole?"
A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual. For some reason he had to be back home later during the day while running some errands. When he entered the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with a man who placed his head on her breasts. The husband demanded "What on earth are you doing?" To which the stranger nonchalantly replied "Quiet! I am listening to music!" The husband shoved the stranger aside and said "Let me listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts. He exclaimed in suspicion "I don't seem to hear any music". "Of course not" quipped the stranger "You're not plugged in!"
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding" Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualisation, association - it's made a big difference for me". "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
-If you're looking for something different then Aquamation is now thing - a process whereby the body is essentially broken down by warm moving water. Also see woollen coffins, biodegradable urns, and Promession where the body is freeze dried and shattered terminator style. It's also possible to be cremated and your remains launched into outer space.
-Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.
-You are more likely to die slipping or drowning in the bathtub or getting struck by lightning than from Terrorism.
-Henry IV of France (1553-1610) was exhumed nearly two hundred years after his death so that a death mask of his face could be made.
-Only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.
-The practice of burying the dead dates back up to 350,000 years.
-Not all prisons offer the option of having a special final meal. The ones that do often set a $40 limit, to dissuade fanciful meals of caviar and lobster on the taxpayers' dime.
-During 1771, King of Sweden, Adolf Fredrick, died because of digestion problems as he was not able to digest the meal comprising of a lobster, sauerkraut, caviar, smoked herring and champagne topped off with 14 servings of his favourite dessert.
-60% of adults don't make a Will.
-A lethal injection is normally a combination of three drugs: First, sodium thiopental as anesthesia; second, pancuronium bromide as paralyzer; and third, potassium chloride to induce cardiac arrest. 16 states use lethal injection as the sole method of execution. In 2011, the sole US maker of sodium thiopental announced it would stop manufacturing the drug.
-A dead body begins dehydrating early in the decomposition process. Lack of moisture can draw the skin taught, which is why eyelids and lips will open if an undertaker doesn't take measures to keep them closed. Dehydrated skin also pulls away from the fingernail bed and from the scalp, giving the illusion that the nails and hair on a dated corpse have grown.
-In addition to a normal cemetery burial, Australians are able to be buried at sea, in their backyard (with council permission of course) or in a natural burial ground without a coffin.
-About 100 billion people have died in all human history.
-1,188 people were executed in the US from Jan. 1, 1977 to Dec. 31, 2009. Of those, 1,016 (85%) were executed by lethal injection, 156 (13.1%) by electrocution, 11 (0.9%) in the gas chamber, three (0.3%) by hanging, and two (0.2%) by firing squad.
-No American has died of old age since 1951. That was the year the government eliminated that particular classification on death certificates.
-More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.
-In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.
-About 153,000 people will die on your birthday.
-When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.
-In 1941 Sherwood Anderson died after swallowing a toothpick during a party. Anderson and his wife were on a cruise liner when he experienced abdominal pain and was taken to a hospital where he died on 8th march 1941. His autopsy report showed that he had unintentionally gulped down a toothpick while eating either hors d'oeuvres or from a martini olive.
-Doctors' sloppy handwriting is responsible for more than 7,000 people annually.
-The creator of the Pringles packaging had his ashes stored in a Pringles Can after he died.
-Cancer is a leading cause of death in Australia. More than 43,200 people died from cancer in 2011. Cancer accounts for about 3 in 10 deaths in Australia.
-Left-handers die 3 years earlier than right-handed people. Over 2500 left handed people are killed each year from using products made for right handed people.
-In most states of Australia, if death takes place at home, you can care for your dead there for up to five days. There are now trained community-support workers and access to cooling beds in Australia to enable care to continue at home.
-35 million of your cells die every minute.
"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind - either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor". "Well, okay" says the doctor "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there" says Steve "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised". Steve stared at him in horror and screamed "Shit! THAT'S the word!
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
"Hold on there, partner" said the snake "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want".
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding". The rattlesnake said "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes".
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted "My God, I forgot I was riding the mare!"
-The most common choice of last meal in the United States is a cheeseburger with fries. However, there have been some rather extravagant and downright weird choices. A man named James Edward Smith once requested a lump of dirt, apparently for a voodoo ritual. This was refused - soil is, unsurprisingly, not on the list of approved prison foods. He had yogurt instead. Robert Buell opted for a single black olive in the hope of his corpse sprouting into a tree. Gerald Lee Mitchell asked for a bag of Jolly Ranchers.
-On Jan. 4, 1903, Thomas Edison electrocuted Topsy the Elephant with 6,000 volts of electricity in front of 1,500 spectators at Luna Park Zoo on Coney Island. Edison wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alternating current (AC), which threatened the profitability of his direct current (DC) method of electricity distribution.
-When a person dies, hearing is generally the last sense to go. The first sense lost is usually sight. Then follows taste, smell, and touch.
-In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.
-You are more likely to die from a falling coconut than from a shark attack. Sharks kill 12 people per year while people kill 11,417 sharks per hour.
-When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle.
-In 2010, at least 527 executions were carried out by at least 23 countries, not including the thousands of executions carried out by China.
-Italian serial killer Leonarda Cianciulli was famous for turning victims into tea cakes and serving them to guests.
-The death penalty is not confined to one gender. As of early 2013 there were 63 women on death row in America. However, the ratio is extremely one-sided. Those 63 women constitute a measly 2 percent of the total death row population of 3,125.
-Mount Everest is littered with around 200 dead bodies which are now landmarks on the way to the top.
-China executes more people than every other country in the world combined. The exact numbers are unknown, as China treats executions as a state secret. Estimates vary as to the true number, most zeroing in at around 3,000.
-The National Academy of Engineering estimates that 15,000 deaths each year are directly attributable to air pollution. The National Institute of Occupational Safety and Health estimates that many of the 100,000 people who die each year from occupational exposure die as a result of hazardous air quality at work.
-Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid [formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol] into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulphur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air.
-80% of all Soviet males born in 1923 died in World War II.
-Since 1973 144 people have been released from death row after evidence proved their wrongful convictions. It is also important to note that the murder rate per capita in states that practice capital punishment is actually higher than in those that don't. Therefore, it could be stated that capital punishment is not an effective deterrent against murder.
-There are at least 41 federal capital crimes in the US (as of December 2010) including genocide, espionage, and treason as well as numerous forms of murder.-Every 90 seconds, one woman dies during pregnancy or childbirth.
-Alternatively, Swedish company Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a corn-starch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months.
-Every 40 seconds, someone commits suicide.
-Greek philosopher Chrysippus is said to have died of laughter after getting his donkey drunk, trying to eat figs.
-Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague, which killed a quarter of Europe's population in the 14th century, was caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas. -The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen.
A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years even that stopped. He was always preparing for the day when he would be saved.
One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to the woodpile and started a fire. He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was bellowing high in the air.
All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way. He gets all excited and thinks I am finally going to be saved. The first thing I want is to take a hot shower, then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them.
With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker and yells,
"Ha ha ha! I LIED ABOUT THE SHIP!"
A redneck was getting in his truck and a trooper pulled up and asked him, if he had a hunting license for this state. The redneck showed him the license, and the trooper was satisfied.
But, the trooper saw another duck, and he sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kansas duck, do you have a Kansas hunting license?" The redneck pulled out his Kansas license, and the trooper was happy.
Then he saw a third duck, and sniffed its butt, and said "This is an Arkansas duck. Do you have an Arkansas hunting license?" Sure enough the redneck pulled out his Arkansas license, and the trooper was satisfied.
Then he saw a fourth duck, sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky Hunting license?" and the redneck pulled out his Kentucky Hunting License.
The trooper couldn't believe the redneck had shot this many ducks from all these different states and said "Boy, where are you from exactly?" The redneck pulled down his pants and said "Why don't you just sniff my butt and tell me!"
-Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
-Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
-Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
-For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
-Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
-The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
-It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
-Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
-Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
-Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
-Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
-Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
-Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
-It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
-The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course.
Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.
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Dear Doctor,
I wish to apply for a vasectomy. My reasons are numerous and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.
After getting married, I was told to use the "Rhythm method". Despite trying the Tango and Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha, apart from which, where do you get a band at 5 o'clock in the morning.
A doctor suggested we use the "safe period" at the time we were living with the in laws and had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty, needless to say this didn't work.
A lady of several years' experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly "Newcastle Brown" but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and my wife pregnant.
Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding from my earlier attempt if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.
I asked a chemist about the "Sheath". The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies.
She was then supplied with the "Coil" and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.
The "Dutch cap" came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas, it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.
Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out. Then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot the pill.
You must appreciate my problem, if this operation is not successful, I will have to revert to Oral Sex although just talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.
Yours faithfully, Ivor Bollockoff
Wendy was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes, and Wendy was among them. The police took them outside and lined them up along the driveway when, suddenly, Wendy's grandma came by.
Grandma asked "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Wendy told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself" and proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry!"
Well I feel like my work here is done. Plenty of heart, soul and farts in this update so hopefully you cunts enjoyed. If not, well read on to see how I can fix that for you...
-Check out the site archives. That something that's missing in your life? That's the Orsm archives.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just 17 more updates till Xmas. [Too early to start counting?]
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ferociously masturbate to your beheading video.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and did I stutter? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to... nup don't care.
Have absolutely no idea where I'm headed with my bloggy section today. Usually gets to Thursday and I've spent at least a little bit of time conjuring something or maybe made a few notes about whatever. But no. Today we'll just have to wing it. In a roundabout way that leads me to how I promised myself updates after the child popped out wouldn't be baby or parenthood-centric. After all life goes on and I'm probably not the first guy to become a dad. Holy crap though when it's the first few weeks and all that's in your life is work and baby and work and baby and work and baby then it's pretty fucking hard to think about anything else. The alternative, I guess, would be a few disingenuous paragraphs about Robin Williams and the impact he had on the world. Yeah he was a brilliant entertainer whose films I loved but I'll leave it to all the other people who didn't know him to express their heartfelt condolences and make poignant musings of sorrow on social media...
So I suppose let's get that bub stuff out of the way. 99% of what anyone wants to tell you about the moment there's a baby in the works is 1) how much life changes [ie. what you'll be forced to give up] and 2) the lack of sleep. Basically only the negatives. There many other but they're the main ones and unsurprisingly completely true. What is surprising though is the cool shit barely rates a mention. First hints of a smile is awesome. Same deal as eyes beginning to work so they recognise you not just by voice but by sight and baby flailing its arms in a very uncoordinated attempt at waving back is right up there too. Interrupted sleep and not being able to have a cool car anymore suddenly not the end of the world.
Anyway... moving on to what's been shaking. Beginning with Friday which kicked off bright and early onsite. Basically the whole day was spent there with not all that much accomplished. The most productive days are when no one else is around and I can just smash it out. To the contrary there were endless visitors including a relative from over east, GF, neighbours, tradesmen, a delivery guy, even the previous owners popped in, and by the time you talk to them all, well there goes your day.
Saturday was better. Despite refusing to take the blame, responsibility has fallen to me to fix fairly annoying wiring oversight. It's just one of those things that I wrongly assumed would take care of itself because it was was supposed to be but alas, uh-uhhh. Rectifying was a hard enough job that I called in the professionals who subsequently quoted more than $700 which I thought was extreme... and even more so when I realised that was the price per house. Fuck that. Headed off to my local hardware store, purchased a 100mm holesaw, some conduit and 'borrowed' some cable left lying around by the security guy. And then, as I began drilling holes into the ceilings, I learned one of the biggest lessons I've ever learnt - that my job could be made significantly easier by making someone else's harder. Took less than an hour for each house. Total cost $22. Total saving $1418. No matter what happens, repairing the holes won't come remotely close to that.
Early start Sunday. Put it to use attacking the papers which cover the floor around my desk in the hopes of satisfying my accountant who's been harassing me about something tax something. Mid-morning we decided to take advantage of a sisterly offer to "babysit any time you guys need". Done. Get your ass over here! Found a dim sum place that's only about 5 minutes away and got the fuck out for an hour while she sat the baby. Next on the agenda was more baby stuff - close friends who popped one out a few months ago and haven't met ours yet wanted to visit. They rolled by for a few hours to chat and hangout. Immediately they bailed it was into the car and off to a late afternoon housewarming. How many parties to you go to in your life where there's a buttload of kids of various ages... this is the first we've been to one as parents. The only parents there too... good way to make yourself feel old however all the girls get clucky and want to come in for a closer look because bitches love babies. Lots of "Ohh look at the baaaaaby" going on. Long story short I now realise that there's a stronger girl-pulling force than puppies...
Okay I'm about done with that. Took far longer than expected and am overjoyed to be moving on to the rest of the update. It is unquestionably the best Orsm update you'll see all week, unless you venture into the archives perhaps. But if you don't then it is. Check it...
Brilliant! - OMG OMG! - Party God - Snail Bob - Nerdgasm - Exhibitionists - Hilarious - Unforgettable - Nice Vaj - Perfect
The Curse - Is It Gay? - Breakdown - Fucktarded - 50 Selfies - Cam Slut - That'll Hurt - Maniac - Suck Yourself - Hawt
Roller Rider - Terrorism - Don't Argue - Spectacle - NOT Awesome - Lame Prank - Cam Slut - Poor Thief - Real Whore
"I'm ashamed of the way we live" a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed". The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed" he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent".
I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Vicki is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me "You need a piece of tail". I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might get married. "How long have you known the girl?" His superior asked. "A week". "Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant you a furlough". In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise. "So you still want to get married? My, My! I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays". "I know, sir. But it is not the same girl, sir".
The teenaged beauty was telling a friend that she was really worried about her mother. The friend inquired as to the reason for her worrying. The teenaged beauty informed her friend that her mum was always fatigued from staying up all night long. Her friend asked "What's she doing staying up all night? At her age, that's not good at all!" The beauty replied "Waiting for me to come home".
-In 1998, Burger King announced it was adding a 'left-handed' Whopper to its menu. In an ad run in USA Today, the restaurant chain claimed that the 'Left-handed Whopper had been specially designed for the 32-million left-handed Americans.'
-In 2004, a religious sect called the Raelians claimed that their scientists had created the world's first human clone, a seven-pound baby girl named Eve. The ultimate goal according to leader Rael, who claims to have descended from extra-terrestrials, was to achieve immortality. The announcement was met with widespread public condemnation and scepticism. The claim was eventually exposed as a publicity stunt when the group failed to produce the cloned child.
-In 1897, Prescott Ford Jernegan, and his partner Charles Fisher, came to Lubec, Maine and informed its citizens of an incredible invention. They claimed to own a machine that could extract gold from saltwater, which was everywhere, as Lubec is a coastal town. Thousands of investors donated money. Boxes were placed in the water and Fisher would dive underwater during the night and place small amounts of gold in each one, giving the illusion that they were working. The pair fled and Fisher was never heard from again. Jernegan eventually revealed himself and gave back some of the money, though he was never prosecuted.
-In 1726 England, a young woman named Mary Toft told a neighbour that she had been sexually assaulted by a huge rabbit while weeding a nearby field. Her story was dismissed as a bizarre delusion until six months later a doctor was called to her bedside. According to his report she gave birth to five bunnies. While news of the strange birth spread throughout Europe, Toft gave birth to a few more rabbits, astounding many learned men of the day. Eventually investigators exposed her, and she confessed to having her husband secretly hide bunnies in her bed, whereupon she would further secrete them.
-Internet giant Google decided to post a prank for April's Fool claiming that YouTube had been nothing but a search for the best online video of all times and that the site was going to be taken down on 1 April 2013.
-Although many people believe crop circles have been around for centuries, they actually only date back about thirty years. The mysterious circles first appeared in the British countryside and their origin remained a mystery until September 1991, when two men, confessed that they had created the circles for decades as a prank to make people think UFOs had landed.
-In 1932, a man calling himself Oscar Daubmann arrived in Germany, claiming to have spent the last 16 years in a French POW camp. Captured during World War I, he said he had killed a guard while trying to escape and was sentenced to 20 years hard labour in Africa. Luring the guards into trusting him with his good behaviour, Daubmann eventually escaped and walked nearly 4,800 kilometres along the coast, until he was picked up by a steamer headed for Italy. He was celebrated as a national hero who gave hope to families around Germany whose sons had never come home. Daubmann however was actually a career criminal named who made up the story to get a free ride from Italy to Germany.
-In 1987 America was riveted to the story of a young black girl named Tawana Brawley, who said she had been gang-raped by six white men, including several police officers. Rev. Al Sharpton and others fanned racial tensions and accused police of a cover-up. The following year, following an extensive investigation (and revelations about contradictions in Brawley's story), a grand jury concluded that the girl had hoaxed the incident. A New York prosecutor successfully sued both Brawley and Sharpton for defamation.
-Back in 1989 nine-year-old cancer patient Craig Shergold thought of a way to achieve his dream of getting into the Guinness Book of Records - he asked people to send greeting cards that did they. By 1991, 33 million greeting cards had been sent, far surpassing the prior record. Ironically, Guinness doesn't actually note any mention of Craig Sherwood or a "most greeting cards received" record. Fortunately, doctors succeeded in removing the tumour and Craig grew up a healthy adult but his appeal for cards has turned into the hoax that won't die and spawned many copycats.
-In September 1969, American college students published articles claiming the Beatles Paul McCartney had died and was secretly replaced by a look-alike. Clues to the conspiracy could supposedly be found among the lyrics and artwork of the Beatles' recordings. A McCartney interview later in the year proved he was still quite alive.
-In 1974, six members of an Amityville, New York, family were killed by their youngest son, Butch DeFeo. The following year a couple and their three children moved into the home. They soon claimed they were supernaturally attacked by a demonic ghost or spirit. They collaborated with a novelist who embellished their tale which was adapted into the film "The Amityville Horror". Sceptical of their claims, investigators were proven correct years later when DeFeo's lawyer admitted that he and the new owners made the whole thing up and profited handsomely from the hoax.
-In October 1869, stunned workers digging a well in Cardiff, NY, uncovered a 10- foot petrified giant. Few scientists were fooled, but thousands of laypeople, particularly Christian fundamentalists and preachers, were convinced that the discovery was proof that giants once roamed the Earth. In fact, the figure was later revealed to have been planted by an atheist named George Hull, who was inspired to create the giant after an argument at a Methodist revival meeting about a biblical passage (Genesis 6:4) which was cited by his Christian rivals as evidence that giants once existed.
-Football star Manti Te'o fell victim to a social media hoax. In January. Te'o's longtime online girlfriend Lennay Kekua, who allegedly died in a car accident, never existed. Their story of love and loss captivated Americans' hearts throughout the football season but the truth reportedly astounded Te'o the most. The hoax was orchestrated by a male acquaintance of Te'o's who said he was in love with the linebacker.
-Charlatans and frauds purporting to have invented a perpetual motion machine, a machine that violates the laws of thermodynamics by generating enough energy to run forever on its own movements, have popped up throughout history. Perhaps none of these machines are as famous as Charles Redheffer's. His machine was so convincing that sceptics agreed to pay a hefty fee to prove him wrong. Sure enough, after removing a few wooden planks from the device, they found a belt which went through a wall where an old man was hiding - turning a crank with one hand and eating a loaf of bread with the other!
St. Peter and St. Paul are sitting in the staff room in Heaven sharing a cigarette with looks of despair on their faces.
St. Paul complained "Peter, I am so bored". "You're Bored?? All I do is stand at those pearly-fucking-gates, say 'Yep you're in or no bugger off sinner'. That's it for nearly 2000 years" grumbled Peter.
Jesus strolls in whistling to himself and asks "Hiya boys, wassup?" Paul replied "We're bored J, we don't got nothing to do but be saintly". Jesus says "I've been thinking the same thing so I went to Pops and asked him if we could have one day of sin downstairs for all the good work we done, and he said yep. We get one day every 2000 years. So I've booked tickets for the Ministry of Sound nightclub in London and 3 hotel rooms in the Hilton Hotel. We'll go down, dance and get our hands on some pussy and screw them all night in our rooms".
Peter laughed "Way to go J, and I'll tell you what. We'll all meet up here at noon tomorrow and tell each other all about it. Have something to talk about for the next 2000 years!"
They all agree, so off they go. Their heavenly auras attract the women like flies and we leave them winking at each other as they turn the keys in the hotel room doors.
Next day, Peter is sitting down humming to himself back in God's staff room when Paul materialises with a massive smile on his face.
"Go on, what happened?" says Peter "You can tell J when he gets here" "Well, she didn't mess about. She just dropped her dress, and was naked underneath, did a handstand and started sucking me off while I ate her and it carried on from there..."
"Nice one" said Peter "it was different for me, when she undressed she had PVC crotchless panties on, and whips and chains in her purse. I never knew pain could be so pleasurable".
All of a sudden Jesus appeared with a face full of gloom and anger.
"What's up, J?" they asked. "I don't want to talk about it". Jesus scowled. "You've got to, we made a pact and the day of sin is now over so fess up" argued Peter and Paul.
"All right then, it started out great. She was so beautiful and when she undressed she was wearing small, white silk underwear to compliment her deep tan. She peeled off her clothes seductively, to really turn me on". "Yes!?!" the two panted
"Then she came over and kissed me deeply, moaning as my hands moved over her pert breasts, my hand wandered down to the gash between her legs..." "Yes, Yes!" "And it fucking healed up didn't it!!" shouted Jesus.
There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.
The other two cops ask him "Why are you so happy?" He tells them "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my service revolver cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time".
The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face too and tells the other veteran "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great".
The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, mad as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them. The rookie says "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! That woman almost bit off my fucking dick and she crapped in my face!"
-In October 2009, live television showed heroic efforts to rescue a young boy who allegedly flew away in his father's homemade gas balloon. After a massive rescue effort and media circus, it was discovered that the six-year-old had been hiding in his home the entire time. The father was charged with filing a false report. Of course he was 'in' on the hoax the entire time, supposedly in an effort to land a reality TV show.
-A paper written by Horace Miner and published in a 1956 edition of the journal American Anthropologist titled "Body Ritual Among the Nacirema" focused on an obscure tribe of North Americans who were obsessed with oral cleanliness. Although it read like a genuine anthropological study, it was in fact a satire of anthropological papers that describe other cultures. Nacirema is actually American spelled backwards. Miner was describing the American "ritual" of brushing teeth. To this day, the paper is used to fool students into reading about themselves as if they were being documented by a foreign anthropologist.
-Amazingly on April 1st 1977 The Guardian newspaper threw caution to the wind and bravely published a seven page 'special report' that celebrated the beautiful Republic of San Serriffe, situated in the Indian Ocean and made up of a series of idyllic semi colon shaped islands. A series of articles waxed lyrical, rejoicing in the simple bucolic culture, untainted geography and tranquil beaches of San Serriffe while littering the copy with numerous details (such as its name) that were purely printers' jargon. Of course none of this or the publication date stopped thousands of Guardian readers flooding the newspaper's switchboards with calls demanding information regarding this fantastical holiday destination.
-Clever Hans was a horse capable of complex intellectual tasks such as arithmetic, reading, spelling, telling time and even understanding the German language... or at least that's what everyone believed. Hans would answer questions by tapping his hoof. For instance, if asked a question like: "What's two plus nine?" Hans would stamp his hoof 11 times. Questions could be asked verbally or in written form. Hans was almost never wrong. It was not until a formal investigation by a in 1907 that Hans was revealed to have been simply reacting to body language cues from his audience. When his audience gasped, anticipating Hans' arrival at the correct answer, he would stop tapping.
-The Taco Liberty Bell was an April Fool's Day joke played by the fast food restaurant chain Taco Bell. In 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page ad in seven major U.S. newspapers announcing that it had purchased the Liberty Bell to help reduce the country's debt and had renamed it the "Taco Liberty Bell". Thousands of people protested before it was revealed the sale was a hoax.
-In the 1990s, a short film surfaced that purported to be real footage of an alien autopsy performed on an extra-terrestrial being that crash landed in Roswell in 1947. The film was sold to television networks and broadcast around the world in as many as 32 countries. Fox television was the first to broadcast it in the US in 1995. It was not until 2006 that the film's producer, Ray Santilli, admitted that the film was not authentic, though he still contends it was based on real footage. The alien in the film was apparently made of casts containing sheep brains, raspberry jam and chicken entrails.
-Amidst internal strife and after losing a string of guitarists, the last of which was booted for having an affair with Mick Fleetwood's then-wife, Fleetwood Mac cut short their "Mystery to Me" tour. More of a dupe than a hoax, the bands manager put together a fake Mac with no actual members to fulfil the band's obligations, telling audiences that Mick intended to join the tour later. The public eventually caught on, as did the band, instigating a lengthy legal battle over who had the rights to the "Fleetwood Mac" name. The case was won by the original band and the 'fake Mac' formed Stretch, scoring a hit with "Why Did You Do It?" aimed at Mick for what they alleged was his involvement in the debacle. Fleetwood Mac responded by naming their next album "Heroes Are Hard to Find".
-A story hit the airwaves in 2002 when BBC News reported that German scientists had discovered that blond hair would become extinct within the next 200 years because it is a recessive trait. Later the same year, the New York Times, in attempting to corroborate the report, discovered that no such study had ever been performed. Despite the revelation, the study continued to be cited in publications for years
-The spaghetti tree hoax was a 3-minute fake report broadcast on April Fools' Day 1957 by the BBC show 'Panorama'. It featured a family in southern Switzerland that harvested spaghetti from spaghetti trees. Many viewers were either confused or completely fooled by the fake report.
-The Turk was a fake chess-playing machine constructed in 1770. The elaborate machine was designed to look like a Turkish-dressed robot that could defeat even the best human chess players. The Turk toured the world for nearly 84 years, beating chess masters, including Benjamin Franklin, and impressing many people with its supposed artificial intelligence. In fact, all along the robot's body was occupied by a real person hidden inside.
-During the 1970s Uri Geller enjoyed huge success with his mentalism acts, based largely on his alleged ability to bend spoons with his mind. Geller staunchly defended his claim to supernatural powers until hard evidence finally caught up with him. A 1982 book exposed Geller's tricks, and Geller was caught numerous times on camera manipulating stage props (pre-bending
spoons etc). He has since earned a reputation for frivolous litigation after a series of failed lawsuits-mostly against people who publish unflattering material about him.
-The Tasaday tribe made international headlines in the 1970's when they were discovered by Manuel Elizalde, Jr. Apparently they had lived in isolation since the Stone Age. In 1986, a proper investigation revealed that the Tasaday traded with the local farmers, wore jeans and t-shirts and spoke a modern local dialect. Pictures and film of the tribe acting like Stone Age people were staged, and tribe members were coaxed into the performance with offers of free cigarettes and clothing.
Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Johnny said "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact".
The teacher says "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one.
Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly "you've got a Double-Barrel!"
Jack the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.
She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.
Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling round his rear. Dave, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms".
"Don't flatter yourself lover boy" answered Mabel "I'm just trying on the sneakers!"
AUSSIES: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
CANADIANS: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
AMERICANS: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
BRITS: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
AUSSIES: Believe you should look out for your mates.
BRITS: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
AMERICANS: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
CANADIANS: Believe that that's the government's job.
AUSSIES: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
AMERICANS: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
CANADIANS: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
BRITS: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
AMERICANS: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
CANADIANS: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
BRITS: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
AUSSIES: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
AMERICANS: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
BRITS: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
CANADIANS: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
AUSSIES: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
AMERICANS: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
BRITS: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
CANADIANS: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
AUSSIES: Add "G'day" "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
BRITS: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AUSSIES: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
AMERICANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.
CANADIANS: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, and liquor in a backward country.
AMERICANS: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
CANADIANS: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
BRITS: Drink warm, beery-tasting p*ss.
AUSSIES: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
AMERICANS: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
CANADIANS: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
BRITS: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
AUSSIES: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing "Four".
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was "How much is two plus two?"
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four".
The accountant was interviewed last, and again the final question was "How much is two plus two?" The accountant drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered "How much do you want it to be?"
So there's a little guy sitting at a bar when a much larger, muscular guy walks in who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. The big guy sits down next to the little guy and orders a beer.
After some time, the big guy jumps up and completely out of nowhere punches the little guy, knocking him to the floor. "That's boxing, from Las Vegas".
The little guy picks himself up off the floor, dusts himself off, gets back on his stool and just quietly goes back to his drink.
The big guy also sits back down, but after a few minutes he gets back up and kicks the little guy who slides all the way to the end of the bar. "That's karate, from Japan".
Again, the little fellow just quietly gets up, goes back to his seat, and resumes drinking. A few more minutes go by and the big fella gets up a third time, grabs the little dude, and throws him right into the door of the bar. "That's kung fu, from China".
This time, however, the little guy gets up and just walks out. After some time he walks back in, right up behind the big guy, and cracks him over the head, laying him unconscious in the floor. The little guy looks at the bartender and says "You tell that sonofabitch when he wakes up that that was crowbar, from Bunnings".
Dudes... I'm done. Surely you're wanting more and you can have exactly that by simply reading on a little bit more. We've come this far together... just come a little further...
-Check out the site archives. Better wear a nappy though. They're so good you'll shit your pants.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I die or find something better to do. Basically one of those things but not both.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kill your parents just so he can taunt you on Twitter about it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a nice day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Welcome to not trusting pigeons because they are known liars.
I was starting to feel like an absentee webmaster... thanks to almost 2 weeks AFK. Wasn't quite that long actually; in fact any spare time I've had was generally spent in front of the computer doing other stuff. It's just that there wasn't the looming pressure of an update deadline. Enjoyed it immensely and am already working on having a few more updates done and dusted to perhaps enjoy another week off at some point, perhaps for no reason at all.
Okay honestly... this would have been a baby related update no matter what but I've had the motherload of emails from you guys asking anything and everything. It's flattering that people give a shit but I was losing track of the conversation so hopefully the below jumble of words will answer it. If that sounds too boring then feel free to search Google for stories on MH17, Gammy, Ebola or Gaza. Good luck finding anything about those topics though...
So it was a pretty big couple of weeks. Shit started to go down on the Sunday night, early hours of Monday. The beginning of pre-labour and contractions or tightening's as they call them now. This kept us speculating about exactly what was going on - first time either of us has been through this and, despite the cornucopia of information that is thrust toward anyone with so much as a dribble of splooge running down their inner thigh, at no point are you ever really sure. I continued working through Monday and finally gave up in the afternoon when it looked like the time to grab the bag(s) [4 of them I shit you not!] and head for the hospital had come. But no. They tell you to call before that which we did. The aim is to keep you at home as long as possible because you'll be more comfy there and to avoid tying up resources. That night was a bumpy one with no sleep so come Tuesday morning we were very motivated to make the weekly baby doc appointment on time. Was looking like we wouldn't be heading home afterward and sure enough that's how it panned out - he sent us directly to the hospital because 'dilated' and 'mucus' and a whole bunch of other gross words they throw at you.
Ten minutes later we're in a delivery suite and the midwives are doing their thing. And then you wait. Have lost count of the friends and fam who've had babies in my lifetime. Must be a lot. Normally you hear such and such are having a baby; next it's that such and such had the baby. But what you don't ever hear about, especially as a guy, is the shit in between. The water breaking, administering drugs, the discomfort, all that stuff doesn't usually come up, or if it does then not in explicit detail. And there's probably a good reason for it... because it's not particularly interesting to anyone but those involved. So let's skip forward a bit.
After what felt like the longest time ever, the baby doc showed up, and 20 minutes later my daughter was born.
The next couple of hours were quiet and relaxed. Made the family phone calls and were eventually shuffled up to the nursery ward. Things are different to when our parents popped us out - nowadays new dads are encouraged to stay in hospital. There's even a bigger bed. Would have been just as happy not staying though. Why? Well I could name a few but mostly the food. I've never had a stay in hospital before but everything they say is true true true. If you like low salt, no taste and zero love then I suggest booking in immediately. There was a very big upside at least and that's the midwives who were nothing short of phenomenal at their jobs and how beautifully they put us at ease. Was not one single question they couldn't answer. Ever. They were helpful and patient. Always. The whole experience from the moment two of us waddled in til the three of us strolled out could not have gone better. Really do have a newfound respect for nurses as a result.
Coming home was not quite what I expected. You walk through the front door and quickly wonder what's next. Bub ended up being left in her capsule and plonked on a coffee table until she woke up. You change some nappies, ponder who she looks more like, learn what you can do to settle her, find a way to exist on less sleep, politely fend off the barrage of people trying to visit and before you know it, its two weeks later and things are making a lot more sense.
And that's about it. Could easily crap on for paragraphs more except you're all probably pretty keen to get stuck into a new update. And why wouldn't you be? It's a fucking showstopper. Check it...
Heartwarming - THE FUCK? - Ambiguous - Liquified - Be Honest - Intense! - Addictive - Glee Nips - Shit OMG! - Sad :-(
Simple?? - Hey It Worked - Full Retard - Crazy Crazy - First Squirt - Stimulating - It Happens - Sexified - Irresistible
Command - Lilly Roma - Stay Classy - Smother - Wholesome - ScarJo Nude - Boat Tits - Nailed It - Oiled Up - U Perv!
So the Ukrainian Rebels have handed over the missing black boxes, now only if we could get Boko Haram to do the same.
I walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall: "We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want $200,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call". They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them now.
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips? This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops In front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the Rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" "Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water".
Nursery school teacher says to her class "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?" First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue". Teacher says "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey or orange..." Second little boy says "Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown". Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!" "Okay then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
-We had an order for the Christian college in our town for 50 pizza. $350 total. I filled the front and back seats of my tiny Honda with the pies and drove a few miles to the school. I had to unload all 50 pies by myself in the snow. After about ten minutes of that, I finally got the lady to sign the credit card receipt. As I walked back to my car, I looked to see what kind of tip they left me and sure enough, there was a big X on the tip line. My company requires that I claim 6% of each order in tips, forcing money I never made to be taxed from my paycheque. Six percent of this order was $21. God bless America!
-I'm the phone girl at a Domino's. One night around midnight we got crazy busy. Short on delivery drivers, my manager asked me to take a couple. One that I had was 22 pizzas. This was a horrible run. First, I could barely fit all the pizza in my car. Second, I'm 5'2" and 110 lbs soaking wet so I could barely carry the pizza. Third, it was to a party - all drunk teenagers! When I got there a guy answered the door and was totally wasted. I gave him the total and a group gathered around. They give me exact change, no tip. When I gave them the pizzas and was about to leave the guy gave me this look and said "We're cool, right?" and by this he meant I won't call the cops on them. I got back to my car, called the police and gave them the address, then called the store to tell them I'd be awhile. I then calmly parked in the driveway across the street and watched those cheap bastards get busted.
-I had a call down to the college apartments, and when I knocked a HUGE girl (as wide as she was tall) opened the door wrapped in a towel which was more like a tarp. With a seductive look she asked me to come in... I said no thanks. She gave me exact change and was like "Oh, let me get your tip!" She starts to turn away and whips around and drops her towel and says "How's that?" My inner filter must not have been working and I replied without thinking "Saggy tits don't pay the bills". Needless to say she was highly offended. She didn't order anymore.
-I had a delivery to an apartment complex one afternoon. As soon as the lady opened her apartment door, I was immediately overwhelmed by an intense wave of marijuana smoke coming from inside. There was a lady who had come to the door followed by a probably 3-year-old girl, and down the hall I could see two more adults, one of whom was holding a baby. I looked away for a moment, then heard a thud, looked back and saw the guy bent down to pick up the baby HE JUST DROPPED. The lady heard the thud and subsequent crying. She nonchalantly turned and asked "He just drop dat baby?"
-We have had three big snow storms in the last six weeks. The first one put down 18 inches in my area. I was the only driver who came in a day after the store closed all day. I took a delivery to a house. Without my four-wheel drive I would have never made it up the hill to get to his street. I still had to park a little ways from the house and walk. The total on the bill was $17 something. He handed me a $20 and said he needed his change back. He then proceeded to explain to me why he doesn't tip. "I didn't tip you because you will receive your tip in Heaven. The Lord put you here today to make sure people like me get something to eat". Never forget what 'No Tips' spells backwards, folks!
-During the 2010 football season the Buffalo Bills called the pizza place I work at in downtown Minneapolis and asked us to deliver about 70 pizzas to them after they finished the game against the Vikings. We had a weeks' notice so we were able to have enough staff to make the pizzas. In other words, our entire staff was there at 2pm for an order due at 6pm. It took 4 drivers in 4 cars, every hotbag we had in the store plus some borrowed from other stores, and an hour total. And our tip (that was to be split between everyone) off of an $1800 order? $50. Each person's take was about $8.
-I took a delivery to the receptionists at a nearby hospital and to this day they were the cheapest customers I ever had. The first words out of their mouths were them complaining about paying sales tax "because this is a hospital". Then they said that despite being charged sales tax they would order from my employer more often if it wasn't for the delivery charge (which obviously had me grinding my teeth especially since I worked for tips) and then finally I gave them the total: $22 dollars and change. I was handed 22 bucks and then she looked at me and said "I suppose you want the change too, huh?" Finally a guy from the end of the reception desk walked up, gave me an apologetic look, handed me four bucks and said "Have a nice day" so at least I got a happy ending out of it.
-I was on a very rural delivery and had a guy along with me that I was taking home because his car broke down. We got out at the customer's house and we heard a girl moaning. We looked at each other and grinned. I said it sounds like someone is having fun. The sound came from the door. As we approached, a man stood up and yelled for help and to call 911. Another man ran to find the phone and I ran up hastily. I saw a girl drenched in blood. The man said his sister tried to kill herself and cut both wrists. We stuck around until help arrived. They took her away. It didn't look good.
-I worked as a delivery driver for 8 years for a family pizza shop. We delivered to a low income condo complex right across the street from our store. One night I had a delivery over there. When I got there the couple was having sex on their living room floor. They didn't notice me until I knocked on the sliding glass door. At first they were startled, but the woman on top raised her index finger as a sign to hold on a sec. After that they continued to finish their encounter. Needless to say it was not something I wanted to witness. Between the two of them they were an easy 600 lbs. I wasn't going to get stuck with the food so I waited it out. I am forever a changed man.
-So our shop closes at 10pm. At 9:55 the phones rings. It's the ring of death. No one wants to take this call, but what if it's the boss? He has been known to pull this on closes. So I answer and am greeted with an obviously drunk woman's voice asking if we are still open. Now I am intrigued. Drunk and high deliveries are sometimes the best. So I get to the address, knock, and a woman in skimpy see-through lingerie answers. She falls against the door and then me and asks me to help her to the couch. I move into the room and there is another woman seated at a table wearing even less. The room stinks of pot and a huge bong is sitting on the coffee table. These two are hot and may as well be naked so I am enjoying the show. I ask "Who gets it?" holding up the receipt and they both giggle and the one on the couch says "Both of us, hopefully". So I am thinking maybe going back to the shop isn't going to happen tonight. Then I hear a toilet flush and out walks a HUGE man. I mean like 6'6" plus, wearing a woman's pink dressing gown and nothing else. Needless to say, I got the hell out of there as fast as possible. Good tip, though!
-One shift it was getting pretty late and after getting stiffed a number times I was more than ready to call it a day. What was going to be my last delivery was to a trailer park. Trailer parks all have two things in common. They hardly ever tip and they never have house numbers so not only do you spend forever trying to figure out which trailer gets the food, you know it's for naught. Anyway, I found the trailer surprisingly fast and was pleased with that accomplishment. I knocked on the door and a lady and small child (probably 3 or less) came to the door. The lady paid for her order (no tip) while the child watched the transaction very quietly. Just as I started to leave the child gave the international pick me up signal, sticking both arms straight up into the air and gently wiggling his small fingers. I reached down and picked up the child and in an instant the little boy hugged me tight around the neck and said "I love you pizza man". Best tip ever.
-We had a 450 pizza order for the 'rich' area in my city; where the multi-millionaires live. It took 3 drivers about 10 trips each to get all the pizzas delivered. Just before payment was to be made in the form of a cheque, the rich fucks called other Domino's stores in the area to get a hypothetically better price quote. The order was originally quoted at $3000, but it got blackmailed down to $2200 because some moron manager at another store suggested a much lower price. The payment came in the form of 4 cheques, each for $550. 30 deliveries, no tip, and the store lost money in food costs.
-A couple of years ago we ordered delivery. The driver arrived and left his car running in the street as he ran up to our door, but I invited him into our entryway since it was so cold out. He took one step in and, all of a sudden, we heard screaming from across the street, where people were gathered outside of a community centre. Someone was stealing his car! After a short chase he returned to our house and called police. He sat there and waited as we all just looked at the pizza we were supposed to eat. Talk about awkward! Plus what do you tip a guy that just had his car stolen?
- I worked for the Godfather's pizza. I was delivering three pizzas to a house in a nicer part of town. When I arrived at the door, I could hear that a rather lively party was going on inside. I rang the doorbell, and hearing someone yell "Come on in" I opened the door. The next thing I knew, I was HANDCUFFED to the doorknob! I dropped the pizzas and prepared to go down fighting. At this point, I heard hysterical laughter and saw a man lying on the floor, laughing his head off. Enter the guy's wife, who was considerably less drunk. She proceeded to slap the hell out of him, and continued to do so until he unlocked the cuffs. After several minutes of apologies, she gave me $20 for a tip and I left.
A lawn bowler was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him and says "I have some good news and some bad news". "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My bowling is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" Doc "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant". "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play bowls again".
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the local bowls green when he bumped into the surgeon. "G'day mate, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the man. "I'm playing the best bowls of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my draw bowls have really improved". "That's great" said the surgeon.
"Not only that" continued the bowler "My handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours". "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem" said the bowler "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache".
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears "Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears "Ribbit. 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. -BOOM!- He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He's shocked. He says to the frog "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog".
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and -BOOM!- Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog "Okay where to next?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Las Vegas".
They go to Vegas and the guy says "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says "Ribbit. Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies "Ribbit. $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. -BOOM!- Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies "Ribbit. Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room..."
A warden of a boy's hostel was talking to a friend in a bar. After a while their conversation got around to hostel life and the warden said to his friend "You know, everything is fine with hostel life and the boys, except one thing. Initially, for a month or so they are alright and very active with sports and dramas and such things. But after a while they become restless and the clowns whack off anywhere, anytime, on the wall, on the floor, on the bed. It's a messy thing. Don't see a solution".
The warden's friend thought for a while and said "I have an idea. You buy a small barrel. Tell the boy's to use the drum and fill it up. Promise them a night out alternatively in the group of fours with movie tickets every night. That should do the trick".
Warden "Hey, that's a great idea. But that will set me back for a few bucks every night for those movie tickets".
Friend: "The idea is to sell the barrel to the wax factory on the other side of the town. You should recover the expense of movies and your place will remain clean".
The warden liked the idea. The boys liked the idea. At the end of the week the warden sold the barrel to the wax factory and made a tidy sum. The boys continued their 'night out' in alternate groups of four. Everything was fine for a while.
Then one day police came to the boy's hostel looking for the warden and arrest him. The warden was aghast: "What on earth have I done?"
Police "You S.O.B., you ask what you have done? You sold all that wax to the candle factory". Warden "Yes, but that's not a crime, is it?" Police "Yes, it is. The factory made candles out of your wax, sold the candles to the girl's hostel and now all the girls there are pregnant, including their warden!"
Myron Greenberg, a wealthy L.A. businessman received a letter of Audit from the IRS. It really upsets him and he called his Accountant, Saul Meyers.
MYRON: (pleading): "Saul, what are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?"'
Saul (calming); "Myron, don't worry about it. I've got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it's no problem. But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression. Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you've got. Have holes in your shoes, ripped pants and look shabby. I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little sympathy, they'll go easy on you".
Then Myron called his Lawyer, CHARLIE Steinberg.
CHARLIE: "Myron it's no problem, I'm sure they got the receipts, I'm sure everything is up to date, you've got a great accountant, don't worry about it. Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit, it's very important that you make a good impression. Wear your best suit, and your shirt with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody. Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you".
And now he's torn. And that night he bumped into his RABBI at the Deli. And he told the Rabbi the story.
RABBI: "Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride's father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night to wear a nightgown with a high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe... cover up, you know, be a little demure. And the mother says "Don't be silly. Wear a low cut negligee with the cleavage sticking out - look a little sexy!"... and, Myron, I will say to you just like I say to the bride on her wedding night, it makes no difference what you wear, you're gonna get fucked!"
Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.
"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad". Kate said. Paul yells back "Who do I look like? The fridge repair man? I don't think so!"
A little while later Kate says "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, its out". "Who do I look like? An electrician? I don't think so!" Paul says.
A few minutes later Kate says "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it". Paul quickly replies "Who do I look like? A carpenter? I don't think so!"
Frustrated, he gets up and leaves and goes to a bar down the road.
After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.
He comes up the porch and realises that the step is fixed.
He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.
He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.
Paul sees his wife and says "Babe, how did you fix all this?" She looked at him and said "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch. A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he could do to help. He fixed everything. I asked him what I could do for payment. He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him".
Paul says "Well... what kind of cake did you bake him?" Kate looks at him and replies "Who do I look like? Betty Crocker? I don't think so!"
This lady goes to the gynaecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in.
"Okay lady, what is your problem" the doctor asks. "Well" she says "my husband is a compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on, he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out".
The doctor says "Don't be nervous. I see this happen all the time".
He then asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs wide, open puts his gloves on and says: "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, 'OLD TIMERS BAR - ALL DRINKS 10P.'
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
Here's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred, and says "That'll be 10p each, please". The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying "That's 40p, please". They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired tailor" the bartender says "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same". "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender "What's with them?" The bartender says "They're retired people from Scotland... they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price".
Okay DONE. I'm making a break for it while I can. You should definitely read on to get some answers though...
-Check out the site archives. Every single update from now back to when Jesus was a boy.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you even know what that means?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will release a rap single highlighting your bad points.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and careful the baby doesn't shit/fart/piss on you. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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