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Founders Journal
Christ's Atoning Sacrifice
Pt 2: The Extent of the Atonement
Barnes considered it so contradictory to every aspect of gospel ministry and so contrary to the purest feelings of a sanctified person and so cold and withering in its influence on the heart that "men will not preach it." Should it be found to be an essential part of the gospel message, warm hearted ministers "would abandon preaching altogether, and engage in farming, or teaching, or the mechanic arts--anything; rather than have their better feelings subjected to constant torture." Barnes, moreover, found the doctrine so objectionable that he said not only that it should not be preached, but it could not be preached.
It is found in ancient books on divinity, written in a sterner age, and when the principles of interpretation were less understood, and the large and liberal nature of the gospel was less appreciated. It is petrified in certain creeds maintained by the church--made firm, like fossil remains in a transition state, when ancient opinions were passing to a more liberal form. It is taught in a few seminaries, where men feel themselves constrained to repress the warm emotions of their own minds to reach conclusions which they can scarcely avoid. But the doctrine is not preached, except when the heart is cold and dead. It is not preached when the soul is on fire with the love of men, and when the cross, in its true grandeur rises to view. It is never preached in a revival of religion--a proof, not feeble, that the doctrine is not true.[1]Barnes could not have known that the warmest, most powerful preacher of the nineteenth century could and would preach the doctrine that Barnes found so unthinkable, and preach it without bringing a chill either to himself or his hearers. Spurgeon believed that the fountain of Christ's blood was open and would cleanse every sinner who came to it. He felt no more inhibition to invite sinners to this fountain than he did to call on all sinner's to repent and believe the gospel. Both effectual calling and effectual, or limited, atonement are doctrines of grace. Grace never serves as a barrier to anyone's coming to Christ nor to the freedom with which ministers may, indeed must, issue the gospel invitation.
Inability and ResponsibilitySpurgeon labored to demonstrate the congruity between these two doctrines. The command to repent of sin and believe in Christ he preached as a universal obligation. He knew, however, that "there are some who will deny this, and deny it upon the ground that man has not the spiritual ability to believe in Jesus." His reply emphasize that "it is altogether an error to imagine that the measure of the sinner's moral ability is the measure of his duty."
Universal responsibility merely accentuates the divine prerogative in grace for no one would ever "believe in Jesus with the faith here intended, except the Holy Spirit led him to do so." "Faith is too celestial a grace," Spurgeon argued, "to spring up in human nature till it is renewed." Christians must "rise above the babyhood" which truncates these doctrines and should "not find it difficult to believe faith to be at the same time the duty of man and the gift of God."[2]
Because of that, where belief exists, regeneration exists. "To believe in Jesus is a better indicator of regeneration than anything else, and in no case did it ever mislead." By the same token, to believe in Jesus is the sure indicator that Jesus has died for you. Faith does not consist in believing that Christ has died for me in particular. Rather, it is coming empty-handed but wholeheartedly to Christ himself who has died for sinners. In trusting in Him alone one discovers that Christ has died for him in particular and with effect. Spurgeon said,
"I do not believe in Jesus because I am persuaded that his blood was shed for me, but rather I discover that his blood was shed especially for me from the fact that I have been led to believe in him. I fear me there are thousands of people who believe that Jesus died for them, who are not born of God, but rather hardened in their sin by their groundless hopes of mercy. There is no particular efficacy in a man's assuming that Christ has died for him; for it is a mere truism, if it be true as some teach, that Jesus died for everybody. On such a theory every believer in a universal atonement would necessarily be born of God, which is very far from being the case. When the Holy Spirit leads us to rely upon the Lord Jesus, then the truth that God gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him might be saved, is opened up to our souls, and we see that for us who are believers, Jesus died with the special intent that we should be saved. . . . Merely to conclude that Jesus died for us on the notion that he died for everybody is as far as the east is from the west, from being real faith in Jesus Christ.[3]
The Open FountainSpurgeon pulls on this same cord of unity within the doctrines of grace in his sermon entitled, "The Open Fountain." One will never participate in this fountain which eradicates sin and uncleanness unless one knows himself to be a sinner; but if there "be here one really guilty, one who feels his sin to be deserving the wrath of God;" one who mourns his sin, confesses his guilt, and feels himself undeserving and unworthy--"then you are the man to whom the mercy of heaven is this day freely proclaimed."
In this context then it is no wonder that Spurgeon could proclaim the saving efficacy of the death of Christ with unbound enthusiasm and generosity. Because the fountain is open "there is no barrier on account of uncircumcision or natural descent." We learn also that it is "personally approachable by us" and dependent on no mediator or intercessor other than the Lord Jesus himself. Also "the fountain is not barred by any amount of sin which we have already committed." No effectual barrier is created by the consideration of our inward sinfulness nor are there any "demands in the gospel requiring you to prepare yourself for it before you come."
Spurgeon increases in boldness as he goes vowing to push any theologian into the fountain who would bar it from any sinner who is coming. "There cannot be anything in theology, nor in nature nor in heaven, nor earth, nor hell, which can shut what God declares to be open. If thou willest to be saved, if thou comest to Christ, believing in him, there is nothing to shut up the fountain of life or prevent thee from being cleansed and healed. If there be any shutting and forbidding it is thy heart that is closed, and thy pride which forbids."[4]
It is clear that Spurgeon absorbed and implemented that line of thought developed and defended with such clarity and strength by Jonathan Edwards concerning the relation between natural abilities and moral abilities. The whole scheme of salvation springs from the holiness of God. Total depravity must be defined in terms of God's holiness and the sinner's antipathy toward that conglomerate attribute. "Your condition is not only your calamity, but your fault," Spurgeon insisted. The sinner must be not only pitied but blamed for he is without a will for what is good; "Your `cannot' means `will not,' your inability is not physical but moral, not that of the blind who cannot see for want of eyes, but of the willingly ignorant who refuse to look."[5]
Election determines that we should be holy and without blame; effectual calling and the new birth produce the new creature who reflects true righteousness and holiness; perseverance implies that God's seed remains in us and we cannot continue in the direction of sin but must be holy; the cross draws sinners to it, if they are drawn savingly, because of its just verdict on their sin and its crushing display of the holiness of God. It is, therefore, the holiness of the cross that is a barrier to a sinner's embracing it, not the fact that in God's secret purpose he has determined that it shall certainly be saving in its effects for the people he has given to the Son.
Spurgeon was overwhelmed with the lavishness of God's grace in the atonement, and though he spoke clearly of its limited nature, it was always in the context of the certainty with which God carried out his purposes of grace. It is infinite mercy that a holy God would condescend to save sinners! And it is amazing that He should do it in such a public, promiscuous fashion so that none can complain that it was done in a corner.
The certainty of the salvation that God accomplished gave endless material for Spurgeon's clear affirmations. "There is a fountain opened in the atonement, by which the offence rendered to God's honor and dignity is put away. What if we have sinned, yet the Lord has punished that sin in the person of his own Son, he has thus fulfilled his threatening, and proven the truth of his word. In Jesus Christ, therefore, the guilt of those for whom he was a substitute is put away consistently with the righteousness of the great Lawgiver."[6]
That "righteousness of the great lawgiver" in conjunction with the substitutionary and propitiatory aspects of the atonement were compelling to Spurgeon. They bore infinite comfort to Christ's people and Spurgeon would not have his listeners come short of any spiritual comfort legitimately theirs. Since Christ has suffered the penalty for sin and has made recompense to divine justice, if indeed the Lord Jesus has been condemned for us, then "While justice survives in heaven, and mercy reigns on earth, it is not possible that a soul condemned in Christ should also be condemned in itself. If the punishment has been meted out to its substitute, it is neither consistent with mercy nor justice that the penalty should a second time be executed."[7]
Clearly a favorite hymn of Spurgeon's was the Toplady number entitled, "Whence This Fear and Unbelief?" He quoted it at length or in part on several occasions and was particularly attached to this verse.
If Thou has my discharge procured,He wanted no one to lose the ineffable mystery of the fact that God himself had died for man the creature's sin. And that this rendered such a certainty to its efficaciousness, and a limitlessness to its possibilities, that it would be impossible that it could not atone for any sin anywhere.
And freely in my room endured
The whole of wrath divine;
Payment God cannot twice demand,
First at my bleeding Surety's hand,
And then again at mine.[8]
Never could justice be more gloriously exalted in the presence of intelligent beings than by the Lord of all submitting himself to its requirements. There must be an infinite merit about his death: a desert unutterable, immeasurable. Methinks if there had been a million worlds to redeem, their redemption could not have needed more than this `sacrifice of himself.' If the whole universe, teeming with worlds as many as the sands on the seashore, had required to be ransomed, that one giving up of the ghost might have sufficed as a full price for them all. However gross the insults which sin may have rendered to the law, they must be all forgotten, since Jesus magnified the law so abundantly, and made it so honourable by his death. I believe in the special design of our Lord's atoning death, but I will yield to no one in my belief in the absolutely infinite value of the offering which our Lord Jesus has presented; the glory of his person renders the idea of limitation an insult.[9]For this reason Spurgeon used the nomenclature of limitation sparingly and with positive explanation in his exposition of the atonement. He preferred to speak of effectuality and certainty. But just as strongly, his consideration of "limitation" as an insult led him to reject the concept of universal atonement. In fact he was glad to use the term "limited" if one set the idea of "general" opposite it, for such a limitation was really no limitation at all.
Now, beloved, when you hear any one laughing or jeering at a limited atonement, you may tell him this. General atonement is like a great wide bridge with only half an arch; it does not go across the stream: it only professes to go half way; it does not secure the salvation of anybody. Now, I had rather put my foot upon a bridge as narrow as Hungerford, which went all the way across, than on a bridge that was as wide as the world, if it did not go all the way across the stream.[10]
The Efficacy of the AtonementThe infinite dignity of Christ's person demanded the utter success of his aim in giving himself up for the sake of sinners. Spurgeon's refusal to admit any inadequacy to Christ's death meant especially that the efficacy of the atonement was not subject to man's will. The final arbiter of that infinite transaction which was ordained in the decrees of eternity cannot be the will of a mutable, temporal, fallen, rebellious creature.[11]
In addition to the dignity of the person who is substituted for us, two factors render this transaction certain and efficacious. First, it was the intent and purpose of God to save a people for himself by the sacrifice of his son. "We declare that the measure of the effect of Christ's love, is the measure of the design of it. We cannot so belie our reason as to think that the intention of Almighty God could be frustrated, or that the design of so great a thing as the atonement, can by any way whatever be missed of."[12]
Without blasphemy it is not possible to conceive that Christ has failed in his purpose. "It is quite certain, beloved," Spurgeon reasoned, "that the death of Christ must have been effectual for the removal of those sins which were laid upon him." We cannot conceive that Christ has died in vain. "He was appointed of God to bear the sin of many," and it is "not possible that he should be defeated or disappointed of his purpose. Not in one jot or tittle will the intent of Christ's death be frustrated. Jesus shall see of the travail of his soul and be satisfied. That which he meant to do by dying shall be done, and he shall not pour his blood upon the ground in waste in any measure or sense."[13] If he has been condemned, those united to him in his death as indicated by their faith in him shall in no wise come into condemnation.
This statement of purpose leads to the consideration of the second point which contributes to the certain, unfailing efficacy of Christ's death. That is, that in some sense Christ's sufferings were quantitative. Spurgeon paints a vivid mental picture of the intensity and exact justice of Christ's substitutionary sufferings for his people and suggests that they suppose a man who has passed into hell. Then they suppose that his eternal torment should all be brought into one hour and multiplied by the number of the saved, a number past all human enumeration. Is it possible now to imagine what "a vast aggregate of misery there would have been in the sufferings of all God's people, if they had been punished through all eternity?" Then we should remember that "Christ had to suffer an equivalent for all the hells of all his redeemed." Christ gave God "the satisfaction for all the sins of all his people, and consequently gave him an equivalent for all their punishment."[14]
In speaking on "The Determination of Christ to Suffer for His People" Spurgeon considers why Christ refused the cup of wine mingled with myrrh. One of the reasons was that such a refusal was "necessary to make the atonement complete." If Christ had drunk from the cup the atonement would not have been valid because he would not have suffered "to the extent that was absolutely necessary." Christ suffered "just enough, and not one particle more than was necessary for the redemption of his people." The ransom price would not have been paid had the wine cup taken away part of his sufferings. Had as much as a grain of his suffering been mitigated "the atonement would not have been sufficiently satisfactory." Insufficiency to any degree would have condemned his people to perpetual despair. The utmost farthing must be paid; inexorable justice cannot omit a fraction of its claim. Christ must go the whole length of suffering.[15]
Not only did Spurgeon see great comfort and assurance in the doctrine of limited atonement, he found the doctrine of universal atonement to be positively destructive of the moral attributes of God. In his Autobiography Spurgeon gives a "Defence of Calvinism" and includes a particularly striking defense of limited atonement.
Some persons love the doctrine of universal atonement because they say, "It is so beautiful. It is a lovely idea that Christ should have died for all men; it commends itself," they say, "to the instincts of humanity; there is something in it full of joy and beauty." I admit there is, but beauty may be often associated with falsehood. There is much which I might admire in the theory of universal redemption, but I will just show what the supposition necessarily involves. If Christ on His cross intended to save every man, then He intended to save those who were lost before he died. If the doctrine be true, that He died for all men, then He died for some who were in hell before He came into this world, for doubtless there were even then myriads there who had been cast away because of their sins. Once again, if it was Christ's intention to save all men, how deplorably has He been disappointed, for we have His own testimony that there is a lake which burneth with fire and brimstone, and into that pit of woe have been cast some of the very person who, according to the theory of universal redemption, were bought with His blood. That seems to me a conception a thousand times more repulsive than any of those consequences which are said to be associated with the calvinistic and Christian doctrine of special and particular redemption. To think that my Saviour died for men who were or are in hell, seems a supposition too horrible for me to entertain. To imagine for a moment that He was the substitute for all the sons of men, and that God, having first punished the Substitute, afterwards punished the sinners themselves, seems to conflict with all my ideas of Divine justice. That Christ should offer an atonement and satisfaction for the sins of all men, and that afterwards some of those very men should be punished for the sins for which Christ had already atoned, appears to me to be the most monstrous iniquity that could ever be imputed to Saturn, to Janus, to the goddess of the Thugs, or to the most diabolical heathen deities. God forbid that we should ever think thus of Jehovah, the just and wise and good![16]This concept of a definite atonement encouraged Spurgeon in his evangelism also. When Jesus used the word "Many" he indicated a certainty in the efficacy of his death. But just as surely he meant "many." Not just a few, but "many." "Let us expect to see large numbers brought within the sacred enclosure," Spurgeon encouraged his congregation. Because the blood is shed for many, the masses must be compelled to come in. While a group of half a dozen converts gives us joy why should we not expect half a dozen thousand at once! "Cast the great net into the sea," Spurgeon challenged and to his young men he urged, "Preach the gospel in the streets of this crowded city, for it is meant for many." And to personal workers he said, "You who go from door to door, do not think you can be too hopeful, since your Saviour's blood is shed for many, and Christ's `many' is a very great many." No one shall ever trust Christ in vain or find the atonement insufficient for him. "O for a large hearted faith," he cried, "so that by holy effort we may lengthen our cords, and strengthen our stakes, expecting to see the household of our Lord become exceeding numerous." Isaiah 53, a crucial passage in Spurgeon's exposition of limited atonement, rivets fast the reality of "many." "He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied; by his righteousness shall he justify many, for he shall bear their iniquities." "Dwell on that word `many,'" Spurgeon argued in his recapitulation, "and let it nerve you for far-reaching labours."[17]
ConclusionSpurgeon's gift of oratory was exclusively his and one would be foolish to feel either capable or obliged to duplicate it. His commitment to the centrality of the cross and all of its connections, however, is property common to the Christian ministry. We are under commission to emulate that as far as is warranted by Scripture.
First, we should cultivate his passion for the cross. Even in reading his sermons one can feel his intensity for the passion of Christ, it swallowed him up. He exhausted himself verbally, emotionally, and physically seeking to transfer the mental and spiritual power which emanated to him from the cross and energized his ministry.
Second, we must not be intimidated by the modern discipline of biblical theology so that we fail to see the centrality of the cross in all of Scripture. Spurgeon is right in seeing it permeate the entire corpus of divine revelation and in treating it as the cohesive factor. Even if occasionally he takes disjointed verbal cues to engage in applicatory allegory, his overall vision is true and will do much to infuse biblical evangelistic intensity into our study and our communication.
Third, we should learn to explore the doctrine of assurance from the ground of the cross as Spurgeon did. The death of the Word incarnate and the purpose of God to save sinners by that death should be immense encouragement to any person whose distress comes from a true picture of the lethal nature of his sin. Spurgeon would remonstrate endlessly and exhaust his creative and applicatory powers to show a "coming sinner" how firm and infallible his assurance might be once he grasps the reality that he who spared not his own son will certainly give us all things.
Fourth, we should learn to see in the cross the historic tangible presentation of the eternal purposes of God in the eternal covenant. Predestination, election, effectual calling--these are hidden from our view and are mysterious in their operation. The cross, though its power, wisdom, and dimensions are mysterious and unsoundable, is nevertheless the place that all the metaphysical aspects of redemption become immanent. It is there that we can say, "These things were not done in a corner."
Fifth, we can learn from Spurgeon the evangelistic power of definite atonement. His sermons surge and vibrate with the positive and optimistic application of the wondrous doctrine. Many who believe the doctrine seem secretly to believe that one should be forbidden to give public display of it. Spurgeon obviously meditated strongly on that biblical truth and found it to be a power with saints and sinners alike. It arms the evangelist with certainty and every sinner with hope. God saves sinners and will not bring this world to a close until the efficacy of Messiah's death has been fully satisfied.
Sixth, we can learn to apply the cross to sanctification. Because by the cross we are bought with a price and are no longer our own, we may be sure that God will be glorified in the bodies of his people. He will transform their minds, recreate them in true righteousness and holiness, and mortify their flesh just as surely as he has rescued them from it dominance.
"God forbid that I should glory save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world" (Galatians 6:14).


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Cayenne Pepper Powder (Capsicum annum)We carry cayenne in various levels of heat (or HU - Scoville Heat Units). To see additional chili peppers available in bulk, including traditional chili powder blends in a variety of heat levels, take a look at our other Dried Chili Peppers.
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Hi all,
I just download the Kalyway Leopard 10.5.2
I burned the iso into a DVD , however when i boot from the DVD and begin the installation process, at the very beginning right after it says Mac OS version not set, and talks about Darwin version something by someone whose name starts with T, (Sorry for sounding so noob) it freezes, and goes nowhere , I tried typing different kernel names in the hope of getting it to work.
I tried the following commands in the section right after pressing F8 ,
so I tried all that and there was no use, i tried -v and -s , that didn work also.
and i have been reading a lot online about the Bios settings stuff, but when i go to my Bios Setup , i don't see none of those options.
Now my laptop has two partitions , one is windows on it , and the other one i am hopping Mac OS X , is my windows installation going to be intact ?
I am just going to try Mac OSX for now my primary OS will be Vista (I have already backed up everything), so i am hoping i don't mess up my computer real bad.
The following is my system info:
Computer Brand Name:ASUSTeK Computer Inc. F3Sa
Operating System:Microsoft Windows Vista Home Premium Build 6001 SP1
CPU Brand Name:Intel(R) Core(TM)2 Duo CPU T7500 @ 2.20GHz[/RIGHT]
L1Cache: Instruction: 32 KBytes, Data: 32 KBytes
L2Cache: Integrated: 4 MBytes
System Management BIOS Version: 2.4
BIOSVendor: American Megatrends Inc.
BIOSVersion: 302
BIOS Release Date: 01/23/2008
BIOS Start Segment: F000
BIOS Size: 1024 KBytes
Motherboard Chipset:Intel PM965 (Crestline-PM) + ICH8M
Video Chipset:ATI Mobility RADEON HD 2600 (M76M)
Video Memory:512 MBytes of DDR2 SDRAM
Drive Model:Hitachi HTS542525K9SA00Drive Capacity 250GB
I would appreciate it if someone could help me install this thing, Can't wait to see what is the fancy Apple is up to.


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sounds like someone is suggesting BA might shoot himselfOriginally Posted by TallyStiller
sounds like someone is suggesting BA might shoot himselfOriginally Posted by TallyStiller
I just listened to the transcript , I think a lot of it is blown up... To be honest Ben don't seem that upset at all... So i retract my statement.
Originally Posted by Steelhere10
1) Alameda Ta'amu, NT, Washington
2) Miles Burris, LB San Diego State
3) Jordan White, WR, WMU
4) Mychal Kendricks, LB, Cal
5) Blake Gideon, F/S, Texas
6) Matt Conrath, DE, VA
7) Adam Nissley, TE, UCF
as usualOriginally Posted by JAR
as for the predictions players give on how the offense will perform. what do you think they are going to say?
did some of you guys really expect the offense to be elite? with this OL? with jon scott starter at LT coming into the season?
with a RB we know likes to tap dance behind the line.
with an almost done hines and a "one trick pony" as the starting wideouts.
with the back up wideouts (a 3rd and 6th rounder) playing sparingly in their rookie years
Originally Posted by Dresden
In other news, Barry Sanders IS Napoleon Dynamite with more athleticism for his size.Originally Posted by Dresden
1.15 WR Mike Evans, Texas A&M
2.46 TE Austin Seferian-Jenkins, Washington
3.97c CB Philip Gaines, Rice
4.118 ILB Shayne Skov, Stanford
5.157 OT James Hurst, North Carolina
5.173c RB Jerrick McKinnon, Georgia Southern
6.192 CB Walt Aikens, Liberty
6.215c DE Deandre Coleman, California
7.230 NT Zack Kerr, Delaware
Ben must have a really short memory. Not too long ago, the Rooneys stuck with Ben when even most of us wanted him gone. Time to grow up, Benny.
RB, you are usually spot on with your pop culture references. But I would have gone Uncle Rico with this one. Just sayin'Originally Posted by RuthlessBurgher


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Cellar/Tasting Notes "One of the founding members of the prestigious Amarone Families association who focus on safeguarding the unique winemaking traditions of Valpolicella, Allegrini sets the standard for a new generation of vintners. This opens with sweet tones of Indian spice, ripe fruit and tobacco. The mouthfeel..
Cellar/Tasting Notes "A strong effort, the 2009 Cote Rotie Seigneur de Maugiron is the softest of all Delas's 2009 Northern Rhones, offering up notes of black olives, lychee nuts, raspberries and black currants. This finesse-styled, elegant red should provide delicious drinking over the next 10-15 years."
Cellar/Tasting Notes "The 2011 Cabernet Sauvignon is dark, powerful and implosive. A cool, reticent wine, the 2011 is playing its cards close to the vest today. Plum, black cherry, graphite, rosemary, licorice and melted road tar emerge from the glass, but only reluctantly. The 2011 is big, rich and tannic. Ideally it..
Cellar/Tasting Notes Here the very toasty oak aromas presently dominate the otherwise ripe underlying fruit. There is good freshness and verve to the exceptionally rich, powerful and concentrated broad-shouldered flavors that exude a finer minerality that continues onto the gorgeously long finish. There is so much..
Cellar/Tasting Notes "...The wine reveals a dense blue/purple color in addition to a bouquet of burning embers intermixed with charcoal, graphite, blackberries, and cassis. Extracted, but not excessively so, and full-bodied, with lots of tannin and structure..."
Cellar/Tasting Notes "Less prominent oak fights less with the very fresh red pinot fruit and stone aromas. There is excellent verve to the well-detailed and soil-inflected medium-bodied flavors that possess controlled power on the balanced and impressively long finish. The supporting tannins are fine-grained and an apt..
Cellar/Tasting Notes "Palish red. Ineffable aromas of red cherry, redcurrant, iron and rose petal. Tangy and sharply delineated, with terrific cut and vivacity to its sappy red berry flavors lifted by herbs and pepper. Finishes suavely tannic and long. Grivot describes this site as having "very complex soil for..
Cellar/Tasting Notes "Very generous wood marks the nose of raspberry liqueur and wet stone aromas. There is a lush, round and lavish mouth feel to the pleasantly textured medium-bodied flavors that possess fine volume on the firm if not especially vibrant flavors that offer very good depth and length..."
Cellar/Tasting Notes "More moderate though far from invisible wood frames distinctly spicy and sauvage aromas of menthol, earth, plum and smoked meat nuances. There is fine volume and solid ripeness to the very firm supporting tannins that shape the medium weight and quite suave flavors that possess a bit more punch..
Cellar/Tasting Notes "A deliciously satisfying wood-aged Port. It has an intense fruitiness, with layers of acidity and oxidated notes. It's concentrated, yet shows lightness and poise."


text: Eva Green By Tony Kerns July 3, 2011 1:31 PM Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Category: Share on Facebook Share on Twitter More Leave a comment Send to a friend! Print this page Pin it! Reddit This! Share on Tumblr! More From The Buzz Former Korn Touring Guitarist Shane Gibson Dies AC/DC Retirement Talk Intensifies Amid Report of Malcolm Young Stroke Slash Wasn't Initially a Fan of Guns N' Roses Hit 'Sweet Child O' Mine' Dayana Perez Sosa – Babe of the Day Best of the Web


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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti....html?ITO=1490...not as glamerous as the movies.(snip)
Breathtaking new photographs, including several vivid full-color images, offer a never-before-seen look at the war-weary soldiers in the Battle of the Bulge who fought through the frozen Ardennes Forest in a mountainous region of Belgium in the dead of winter.
They show soldiers on both sides battling the frigid weather as they fought each other during Nazi Germany's last-ditch effort to drive back Allied forces between December 1944 and January 1945.
The pictures were released by Life Magazine on the 67th anniversary of the start of the grueling battle.


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We JUST got admitted into MD after waking at 5:30 am to be here by 10 am only to have them not be ready for us until 6:30 pm. That aside, we are in her room which is lovely, and I can feel the fear striking my core as this becomes all too real now. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. Will she vomit after the very first chemo treatment? Will she become too weak to get up and walk for this week? Will she have reactions to the drugs they will give her? Everything is so sterile here. The staff comes in with masks and gloves and I know why, but it's scary to see. My heart breaks with each passing second as I miss our home, our bed, our furkids. Everything has changed so quickly. My heart breaks as I think of what she might feel and go through and knowing there isn't a thing I can do to protect her from it. When I was little and hurt or sick my grandma used to tell me she wishes she could take it from me. I never truly knew what that meant until now. I would give anything to do this for her. And I can feel the choking at my throat and the tears trying to sting my eyes and it takes all I have to hold it in and be strong for her now. So many mixed emotions run through me.
I also must say that I feel a bit guilty for posting here, knowing that many of you are going through worse or going through this with your child....I can't imagine. But as I said in my newly diagnosed posts...I am here across the country from my family and old friends...and the support is lacking. She is my world....and the thought of the possibility of losing her horrifies me.
If you read this....please tell me...people with ALL if it gets treated and they do good, they can live to a ripe old age right? She is 34!
I am sorry that you and your partner ended up needing the support of this board. I do not know the ins and outs of ALL treatment as my partner was dx about 8 months ago with AML. Your partner is young and you are at a great hospital so she has a fighting chance to beat this disease. See if you can find a social worker or a case worker to talk to so you can get some support through this journey. My partner and I also live miles away from family and close friends. I used and still use a caringbridge blog to post daily caringbridge.org). This is an easy site to use and friends and famiy can easily post messages. It was a tremendous help to me especially right after the diagnosis. These days there are lots of meds to deal with the side effects of chemo. The nurses will be able to help your partner through the process. Pay attention to the hospital's instructions around diet and cleanliness to ward off infections. Hopefully your partenr will have an easy time with the treatment.
Hi Jamie,
Well, it didn't take them long to give you the "Waiting 101" lesson, now did it?
Remember what I said about day by day, step by step? It's going to become your mantra, because much of the time it truly is the best strategy. These acute leukemias are like stepping into a whirlwind; there is a very steep learning curve involved as your world gets turned upside down. Be patient with yourselves as you process an incredible amount of frightening new information and get thrown into a completely new existence.
As I said, I really never experienced vomiting, and being an AML patient, there isn't as wide a range of medications as there is for ALL. So I received cytarabine, the chemo Fontenrose said they gave her son during the intensification phase where he lost his hair. It is a tough chemo, combined as it was with another very strong chemo, and yet the medications they have these days to combat nausea are such that I simply never had to deal with the horrible vomiting cancer patients went through in the old days.
In AML, we often see that the patient appears to tolerate the chemo quite well, and then a week to 10 days later, they begin to have symptoms related to the collateral damage from the chemo. So there can be a delayed reaction, which doesn't mean the leukemia is back or is worsening - it is an expected result of the chemo. But - the chemo isn't going to drop her to her knees immediately, it doesn't work that fast as a rule. I might have missed a couple days of walking in the month I was in the hospital for my first induction chemo treatment, but I didn't mess very many, and I'm 15 years older than your girl. It sounds like they caught this early, and that's a good thing.
Now, I know you're worried, and you have every right to be. But what is going to happen will happen regardless of whether you worry about it or not, and alot of what's stressing you out may never come to pass at all. Right now, her vomiting and becoming too weak to walk hasn't happened, and may not happen. It's a figment of your imagination at this point, something you've conjured up in your head. Try to stay in the moment, not projected out into the future, which is unknown anyway. If she gets sick, you'll both deal with it. If she becomes weak, you'll both deal with that, too. But try not to borrow trouble, it will make you nuts. Try to keep bringing yourself back to what's happening right now.
She has a lot of things going for her - she's young, strong, the disease was caught early, she has a team of state-of-the-art doctors and she's at a top facility for treatment. She has a loving caregiver. Day by day. This disease isn't a death sentence, not these days.
Thank you both...I know I am driving myself insane. I feel paralyzed with fear.... but you are right....none of these things have happened yet...and maybe they won't.....I hate that I am letting this get the best of me. I look at her and want to cry instantly....and then feel insane guilt because I am the one who should be comforting her. She is laughing and joking with friends on her phone...she is consumed with TV and I am sitting here panic stricken, silent, still...sigh. The nurse said they were going to start her Chemo tonight without doing the spine tap first and I said I am not comfortable with that because we were told they had to do it before she got any Chemo. So now they are waiting until tomorrow so they can do the tap and then chemo. It's not my fault they got her in so late. She got her x-ray at 10:30, and it's 12:30am and they haven't come to put her line in yet! I know I am not going to get much sleep here. All I want to do is take her home, but then I am scared to take her home! LOL God help me.....I've never felt so unstable!
Uh, sleeping in a hospital is a very bad joke...now you know.
Jamie, you can't run yourself into the ground, she's in good hands and you need to take care of yourself so you can be there for her. Get some rest, make sure you eat, take a walk to clear your head. Marathon, not sprint.
Hang in there, you'll get in a rhythm in another day or so, you really will.
Hi JamieLynn,
I'm Sarah, I'm 31 yo and my Mom was dx'd with ALL 2 mths ago. I know you're incredibly scared and I can't say that I'm not also for my mom. WBF is really giving you some great advice if you're able to absorb it... and if not now, maybe keep re-reading it over the next week or so. It really is one day at a time. When my mom was first dx'd our whole family was flipped upside down and sideways. For the first week it was a whole battery of emotions and quite honestly I didn't know if I was coming or going. I felt like "how can the world be going on like normal when MY MOM is fighting for her life?!" The shock of it all is very consuming.
I'm not sure how often I'll be posting on these boards, but as someone else who loves someone close with ALL, maybe we can support each other. Feel free to email me outside of the boards if you want to share info/experiences.
Take good care and remember, one day, one hour at a time....
~ Sarah
I appreciate your offer to be there. Sorry you have to go through this with your mom, will add ya'll to my thoughts and prayers!
You have learned 2 quick lessons already with this fight against leukemia There is time and then there is hospital time and they are not the same.
Second the hospital is no place to get sleep. You have to take care of your self. I spent as few nights as possible at the hospital. It is really no place to get rest. I also understand the fear and uncertainity you feel. In my case on March 2 of this year I was on sabbatical in Boston and my partner was getting ready for an art show in Conn. By noon March 3 she had been admitted to the hem/onc floor wih a diagnosis of AML. She did not see the insides of our house for 6 weeks. FYI she is now recoverying nicely from an auto stem cell transplant, but it has been a trying 8 months ( 5 stays in the hospital with 2 trips to the icu) She has taken a walk all but 8 days( 5 of the 8 she was in the icu) in the last 8 months some as short as a trip down the hospital corrider and some as long as 3 miles. This is important as the chemo drugs are hard on the lungs and you want the lungs to have to do some work. You sould find a place outside your partner's hospital room to deal with your emotions. Your job is to be her advocate, caregiver and cheerleader, but remember it is her journey. Good luck
it does get easier
Thank you all for posting...Willow thank you especially for being there last night. I was in such a panic...a step short of a total mental meltdown. I guess getting here and really starting everything freaked me out and made it real. I let my head run away with horrible thoughts and fears of every little thing that will be done to her. They didn't end up doing anything besides a chest x-ray last night. At 5:30 am they came in to give her an IV for some blood...that irritated me because I knew she was supposed to get that picc line in her arm to avoid much of the constant poking...and then they poked her 3 times before they got it in. I kid you not, 2 minutes after they finally got it in, the nurse who does the picc line came in! I was furious but kept my cool. The gave her some meds to help ease her but they didn't kick in till long after the procedure was done. However I will hand this to them...she was comfortable and relatively pain free for that which shocked me. I am very grateful and realized now that I do need to calm down, that many many many people, from babies to the elderly, go through these things and worse every single day and many of them also come out on top at the end. After realizing that the picc line wasn't the absolute pain and torture I thought it would be, I feel a bit more at ease with everything else.... I know I might not get so lucky with everything, but still...it helps.
I had less then 2 hours of sleep...more of a nap really, and I will try to gather as much as I can throughout the day...just want to make sure they do what they are supposed to up until they actually start giving her the chemo. The only thing left is that spine tap. These nurses keep telling me they have 3 days to do it but the Dr. told us it HAD to be done before..even if they had her hooked up and it took the flip of a switch so to speak...it had to be taken before.
So anyways...I really do feel a lot better today mentally...stronger...determined ;o) and hopeful. So thank you for being there to catch me, especially so late at night....I hope I can return the favor to those ever in need. I'm sure there are more melt downs from me too come but today is a better day!
Hi Jamie,
I'm glad to hear you're feeling slightly more settled today. Get some sleep, girl!!!
One thing to consider when you're advocating for your partner is that she may be in the hospital for a bit, and those nurses and other staff are going to be her "family" for the next little while. The last thing you want to do is alienate them - so yes, watch out for her, make sure she gets what she needs, but try to be as diplomatic as you can. I made sure those nurses loved me - I was a model patient, I smiled and said thank you, and they all wanted to take care of me as a result. But don't get me wrong, I was no pushover. I watched their every move and double checked everything I got and received an explanation of what it was and why I was getting it. When I needed to call in favors, I was able to do so because I had been firm but always pleasant.
Emotions run high at the beginning of treatment, consider how to get your message across without tromping on folks in the process. Those oncology nurses have a tough damn job - yes, they are human and mistakes are sometimes made but for the most part they are caring and knowledgeable. Your goal is to be diligent but kind.
If you need to vent, this is the place to do it.
You're right about the staff and everything....you catch more flies with honey. I don't think they got the message that I was as angry as I was....I did everything I could to control it because Maria is a lot more patient then I and would have been more mad at me then them... it's all so difficult and still too new...but I am trying to take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute even...
Bring them goodies! My Dad had the entire hospital mad at him when he did his induction. Same story, we got there at 6 and they didn't get the chemo going until 10PM. He was pi**ed and didn't mind letting everyone who came in his room that he was mad. The staff came into his room expecting to get griped at and the tension was getting unbearable. About the third day I brought in Krispy Kremes for all and it seemed to break the ice. If you go out for something to eat, ask if anyone wants you to get them something. The people I've had the pleasure of dealing with will really warm up to you if given the opportunity. My Dad now calls all the nurses his "angels" and loves everyone he deals with on a regular basis.
LOL That's a good idea. If you brought me Krispy Kreme's I would be your best friend! LOLOL I remember my grandma always having candy out in my great grandma's room for the nurses. She also tipped the CNA's which I don't think they were allowed to accept but they did anyway. LOL But I am flat broke. I quit my job to be her caretaker. And she quit her job because she is sick....we are working on getting her disability and SSI and think we are real close and the hospital is trying to help with things too. Been hard. We went from making a lot for two girls with no kids in an apartment, to nodda. But maybe I can think of something creative. I think the nurses like her...she is an easy patient!
Welcome Jamielynn to the club nobody wants to join.
I'm the caregiver for my wife who just over a year ago was Dx with CMML. I know a little of what you are going though the ups and downs of dealing with Dr and Hospitals. The long wait's the wondering if the Dx is right or not, where to go from here. We are lucky to have Dr who is very good and has others with the same problems as wife. I'm retired Rail Roader and wife works for the hospital we go to. She is on disability right now and has been on phone trying to get this working right. It's like the people who's job it is to set this up don't know how to as well. She has a lot of Personal leave time that she can use. But when she tried to use it they stopped her disability even though she would was told it wouldn't, more phone calls. She does not need the stress.
Take care of yourself also this can be so hard on us as well as our loved ones and we can't help them if we let this get us down as well. Venting is important as well, I go outside away from others and just look up and yell. Venting to God is prayer. After all he did some venting in the temple.. God came to me and lead me to AA over 28 years ago, so I'm very grateful for his love and forgiveness. I was lost and now I'm fund I was blind and now I see. God gives us mountains so we can learn to climb and cancer is a very large mountain and my wife and I are clawing our way up. Along with you and others on this site. Our prayers go out to you. Look for a support group they can be a lot of help.
Love Gene and Joy
Thank you Gene and Joy. My prayers are with you all as well. Insurance is a butt at times!
I have been so angry with God for the last few years and this didn't help but at the same time it helped immensely. I think I almost needed something to bring me back to him and I hate that this was the way, but I am grateful none the less. I knew my days have been a lot darker without him, but I can't imagine if I still..stayed away now going through this....those dark days would have felt like Christmas in comparison to the days I'd have with all this without him... if that makes sense.
my sister was diagnosed with ALL 26 months ago at age 48. I remember also feeling scared, heart broken and emotional. It was the scariest time in my entire life. I remember feeling helpless but never hopeless. I always tried to stay positive and always believed that she would get through this. The chemo was the worst. In the hospital for 5 days, discharged Friday and usually back on Monday. Then , thankfully, a full sibling match was found among us.
Transplant May 2009. 18 months later and things are pretty good. Some GVHD issues but life is returning to a new normal for my sister and all of us. Us caregivers will likely never understand what it is like for our loved ones going through treatment, just like they will never understand the heartache and fear of having to watch them suffer. There are many ways to get through something like this. I always thought prayer and meditation brought me some inner peace. I know of others who needed to step away from the situation every once and a while. You also need to take of yourself because you will be no good to her. LLS has support groups for caregivers as well. They helped me tremendously. I know there are folks on here who have not had good outcomes but thereare many who have. 2 weeks ago my sister and I walked the LLS Light the Night Walk. We raised 500.00 and she had her white survivor
shirt on and I had my red caregiver one. It was a long road to this point but it certainly is very very realistic to dream of the better leukemia free days to come. Blessings to you and your family during this emotional time.2010 Light the Night Walk, October 9th 2010, Campbells Field, Camden , New Jersey
I am sorry you had and are going through all of this. Love the picture! What beautiful people!
Glad she is doing well though! I am scared of relapses and possible transplants. I'm hoping it won't come to that but that if it does it will be successful. Light the Night was just real recent no? I wanted to go but then we went through all this process and well our lives where thrown in a hurricane it feels like! Every single thing that was every day normal has been tossed, flipped, etc. Crazy ride and we've only just begun! THAT is what scares me the most. LOL
Will keep you all in my prayers!
Maria's results from her spine tap came in today (well most of them?) The doctor said it looked real good. No sign of leukemia in spinal fluid or brain. SOOO relieved. I am secretly hoping/praying that given a few facts of her case, she will do very well and maybe it won't be a super long fight....but maybe it's wishful thinking. It seems like considering the case, she has a lot going for her and I refuse to ask the Dr. because this idea is one of the FEW things holding me and my hope together. Only time will tell and I know that anyone, no matter how good or bad the case is, can have something completely unexpected happen...also good or bad.
"I am secretly hoping/praying that given a few facts of her case, she will do very well and maybe it won't be a super long fight....but maybe it's wishful thinking. It seems like considering the case, she has a lot going for her and I refuse to ask the Dr. because this idea is one of the FEW things holding me and my hope together."
Jamielynn -- I wanted to reply to this specifically, as you need to get prepared for what is coming.
I saw elsewhere that your partner is being treated on one of the pediatric protocols, apparently. That's a good thing, as the pediatric protocols have been very successful. However, they are long, and they don't get shortened just because you may be doing well (i.e., no sign of leukemic cells). That's why those pediatric protocols have done so well.
Basically, they have created the pediatric protocols through trial and error. Seeing what gave the highest cure rate. Unlike with a solid tumor, they may be able to see if there is some cancer left. With leukemia, they can't analyze every blood cell, and if the chemo left only 1 or 2 microscopic leukemic cells, and the chemo was stopped, the whole process of the leukemic cells replicating endlessly would begin again. So, they just know that a treatment protocol of a certain length, with certain drugs, has a higher cure rate than other, shorter protocols.
So, I'm not sure what her exact protocol is, but i would expect you are probably looking at 2.5 years of daily chemotherapy treatment, with the first 7-8 months being the roughest, and then getting somewhat more manageable after that. (My son, because he was already a teenage male at the time of diagnosis with ALL, got the longer male protocol, so he had daily chemo for almost 3.5 years. But, he's 3.5 years OT now -- off treatment -- and in his senior year in college.)
So, good luck.
Thanks for replying..I guess I should clarify what my thought was though...lol...I know that we will be doing treatments for at least about 3 years but what I meant was, I am hoping that given the good results and facts of her case that she won't have to have a transplant to be successful and she won't relapse again and again if at all...which I am sure at least once it will happen. So I meant I hope her fight won't be 5, 6, 7, etc years of fighting relapses or needing one or two different transplants like some cases I read of....I can't imagine going through that.... I guess I get nervous to type what I feel here because...I know so many people are going through the most difficult times and for all I know that will be us too, but to post my wishes that it won't be might offend and I don't mean it too..it's just me....trying to express my fear and more so trying to talk myself out of the fear...does that make sense?
I know the road ahead will be a long, difficult journey, I'm just hoping it won't be too prolonged for many different reasons that it can be and that it won't be more difficult then it has to be....wishful thinking maybe but it helps my heart to think as I do. And I know that the fear of ever having cancer come back will be life long...and etc.
I'm thrilled to hear your son is doing so well! Congrats on that...
I hope you're having a better day. I think you might have found a coping mechanism in these boards. You at least appear to have recovered a lot of sanity! Your recent posts seem to reflect that, at least to me anyhow. I found these forums after my Dad's intial treatment, when I could have used them the most. What I did was sit down at the end of the day and write it all down. I've never been one to write daily or keep a journal, but I found the process to be therapeutic for me. I had a group email that I would then send out to keep all the friends and family posted on his progress. I did a pretty extensive edit on what they received, but they were kept informed. If he was having a bad spell, I asked them to call him and rattle his cage a bit. The calls helped him endure his "incarceration."
P.S. Tell Maria that people she doesn't know are out there pulling for her !!!
mdg, yeah lol, I am having better days...monday and tuesday night were real hard on me but I am realizing that in Maria's case things aren't as scary as I let my mind draw them out to be. She is doing real well so far and knocking on wood she continues through the rest of treatment. I know she will have down days of course but I am happy that so far she hasn't has any issues really with meds and the catheter, etc. And I am trying to trust that if something does happen, she will be in good hands to fix it.
The boards do help in two ways...one being a place for me to vent, get advise, opinions, support and another is being able to do all of that for others. It's easier to help others feel better but when it comes to myself...I'm not so good lol.
When night comes which is when I get more down, I have been reading. It helps a lot because when I get into a book I emerge myself into it as though I am part of it so it doesn't leave my head the ability to over think and get emotional you know?
During the day I am so busy running around this small city of a hospital to think anything! lol
It's a good idea about writing...I started a blog but I only have 2 long entries lol. Haven't had much time to keep up but I'm gonna start trying more when we are out of here. So how is your dad doing? Hope well. And thanks for your kind words. Prayers are with you all too.
Jamielynn, He's spending today in the clink getting blood and platelets. Other than that he made up a little of the lost ground from the last two months. Still some concern from the clinic that he is needing the transfusions more often than he did earlier in the year. Thanks for your kind thoughts and prayers as well. mdg
Hi Jamie,
That's great news about the spinal tap - we always embrace good news around here. Now she has another thing going for her. I hope things continue to go as well as possible and you all get into a rhythm with the whole thing. You do sound more settled now, I hope that things are weighing a little easier on you at this point. I always found things a bit scarier at night, and seldom took naps during the day to make sure I would sleep at night...somehow everything seemed a bit scarier in the dark.
Anything you can do to distract yourself will be useful for those times when there's simply nothing else to do but wait...if it's a book, that's great. You might consider starting a new thread on the ALL forum - there aren't a lot of ALL adult patients, but we've had a rash of them lately and you guys might all gain strength from one another.
Hope things go smoothly from here on out and she's back out of the slammer soon!
Keep us posted, we're thinking of you and Maria.
Will do..make a post in ALL. Was thinking I could make one there that would be better for updates, questions etc and I'll leave this one for venting lol
Hey Everyone, I have a question for all caregivers and I am very ignorant with all of this so if I sound like a dreamer, forgive me and don't be too harsh.. LOL
Do any of you know or are any of you currently working from home or know of legitimate ways too? I am not one of those people looking to get rich and I am not even expecting to make an average monthly salary...I just need ideas for ways to bring in SOME extra money even if it's $100 a month, it'll help us. The only thing is, I don't have a pc, I have a MAC and the few opps. for customer service jobs at home require a PC. Although I guess I could find a way if I got that lucky. Thanks for any ideas!
I posted the following in her thread in living with...and I am re-posting her to really let it out...
I am sick to my stomach as they posted her pathology report on mymdanderson.org and we never knew the results...the biopsy was taken 11/8 and she has another today... well the blasts are at 27%. I have not shown her and won't... I don't know what to say, think, or feel as he told us that day when he didn't have the results back yet, that he was certain it would be like 0. So I guess she will be doing extended induction or starting all over? We will find out this week I assume.... But I think the % is more then that because in her first biopsy report they counted 500 cells at 69% blasts and this report says they counted 200 cells at 27%.
I am so scared now, all over again. I was in SUCH a good place up to now mentally....
On another note...she was in the hospital last night because she got ANOTHER clot in her arm with the PICC line. Now she fell Friday night and woke up the next morning with the swelling but it got worse so they did there thing at the local hospital and the clot is big...it's almost the length of her freaking PICC. yeah.... So they did blood thinner IV and took it out this morning, her arm looks as if it's about to burst. I don't know what he is going to do, but putting something in her chest is not an option to me...if we are having this big of a problem with her arms, I would think a problem in her chest would be even more risky and serious...
so much for luck. I am sick...
What the HELL am I supposed to do!? Sorry for the language but REALLY!?!?! If you have been reading my post you have to see how far I personally have come mentally and I know I have big time. I felt so strong, confident, sure, and in control up until literally 20 minutes ago. I sit there day after day wiping away the tears, re-assuring, and swearing it will all be ok...and then I see this. How am I suppose to feel? I feel horrified all over again... does this make her chance of success significantly less? What does this mean long term? Both of her Dr's were so damn sure that she would be in remission already and as a result would do so well because she already has been, so now what? God I hate this! I am SOOOOOOO angry! I want to scream at the top of my lungs and beat the crap out of something. And at the same moment I want to curl in a ball in a tiny, secluded corner....
I am anxious and yet scared to hear what he has to say NOW....
Take a deep breath and relax. You are about where I was with my Dad this time last year. He started induction on the 18th of Nov last year. After initial chemo his blast count increased. At 71 the doc says to go home and enjoy his last Christmas, because another round of chemo at his age was 98.9% sure to kill him outright. You want to talk about a hard one to swallow. That nugget of info really hung in the air during Christmas last year. I mean, what do you get a guy that won't be around long for Christmas presents? Pretty bleak outlook for us last year. Well, Dad is still here, has his own place and is getting himself to his appointments and treatments!! We found him a study drug that has not cured him, but he is living with it pretty well. There are options and you need to ask the doctors about all of them. They will set her up for her next round and get a handle on things.
Consider getting rid of that picc line. They are probably going to insist on it anyway since it is causing problems. My Dad got his port put in and it is no big deal to him. Hang in there....
"On another note...she was in the hospital last night because she got ANOTHER clot in her arm with the PICC line. Now she fell Friday night and woke up the next morning with the swelling but it got worse so they did there thing at the local hospital and the clot is big...it's almost the length of her freaking PICC. yeah.... So they did blood thinner IV and took it out this morning, her arm looks as if it's about to burst. I don't know what he is going to do, but putting something in her chest is not an option to me...if we are having this big of a problem with her arms, I would think a problem in her chest would be even more risky and serious..."
When my Mom was admitted for treatment of her AML - her hematacrit was down to 16 .. her new oncologist said he was amazed she hadn't fainted, passed out or fallen prior to him admitting her. They gave her 2 rounds of platelets in the clinic while waiting for a room. Instead of a PICC line the oncologist ordered a hickman instead .. he said it would be safer .. and there were less chances of something going wrong in her upper chest, than her arm, where the line could blow out more easily. An Anethesiologist inserted the Hickman and all in all .. it was the right choice. Her nurses took very good care of it -- and when she was home she'd flush it once a day and then had visiting nurse come once a week to change the caps etc. Hickman and central chest lines are much safer than you think. As they aren't in the arm, they prevent sticking patient for blood draws and labs .. as well as inserting additional IV for chemo/fluids etc. The thought of the initial procedure is scary though.
I hear you, in not wanting to share the lab results with your partner .. but as her partner, she does have the right to know -- in the end no matter how scary the unknown is "knowledge is power." I found the oncology social workers on the floor to be life savers .. they literally saved my sanity .. on more than one occasion. No matter if it is ALL or AML .. new diagnoses are frightening. Take things moment by moment .. fast forwarding to the inevitable will only cause more stress, panic and heart ache. I also cannot express how important taking care of yourself is .. it's paramount. Things will most likely get worse before they get better ... rest and sleep are important. Sleeping in hospitals I agree, is not recommended or ideal. Do you have someone or somewhere to stay close by? If you're not sure where to look -- ask your social worker .. as when I was with my Mom at MGH in Boston there were several low cost lodging options. My Aunt stayed at a convent in back bay that let's out extra rooms .. for about 20.00 a night .. or less .. and they had a garden with benches .. as well as quiet room. She'd leave for a few hours, take a nap, shower and come back .. we'd then switch off.
I hope this finds you better .. sending healing energy your way. I was and still am my mother's prime advocate, cheer leader and healthcare proxy/POA .. she switched it from my brother to I .. when she realized he was/still is not in a place where he can handle her illness. It will be a year since her diagnosis in January. I've learned a lot in the span of a year .. it also helps to read up on protocols .. be involved in your partner's care .. my mom's oncologist said I'm amazed at how pro-active your daughter is, in wanting to know about all that's going on .. because I have many families where that's not the case. Speak up, ask questions .. voice your concerns .. calm energy ... is being sent. -- Warmly, E
I decided to post here because this is more about me...will post on Maria's thread tomorrow after we get bone marrow results.
I feel like I am on such a roller coster. Most of December I was ok, but at some point for a couple of weeks, I was doing HORRIBLY emotionally. Like, don't judge but I was thinking really selfish thoughts of my own suicide and it scared the heck out of me. I just selfishly kept thinking, IF she doesn't win this, I can NOT watch her go. And I also kept thinking and still do, that what is the point? There is WAY WAY WAY too much pain in this life I honestly couldn't imagine a more "hellish" place to be. I am tired of the aching pain in my heart and soul and it's not worth it. Too much bad in this world and while I hear of greatness, I haven't been shown much of it...
I pulled myself out of the suicidal thought slump and did ok again and am doing ok now, but I am filled to the rim with major anxiety. I just feel sick to my stomach all the time, I fight sleep until I absolutely can't stay awake, a few weeks ago I left her for the first time since this started to go grocery shopping alone and I nearly had a panic attack because it would be more then a few minutes away. She and her family don't want me to go back to work yet, and to be honest I am not ready to leave her for that long myself.
I KNOW with everything I am, that she WILL win this, but I feel sooooo unsettled and I can't pinpoint why. I get scared everytime she starts a new drug, how will it effect her? I get scared with every bone marrow, what will the results be? I get scared to be happy for even a second of "good news" because what if she relapses? What if I run to the store and something happens to her that I could have prevented, even if it was just a fall?
And then I feel so unbelieveably lonely! She is not the same, which I know is normal to a degree, but it leaves me feeling so alone. Her family has seen her 3 times since we started this! That is a whole other issue.
I feel so insecure and vulnerable. She used to make me feel so safe and untouchable and now I feel like I am on my own for the first time plus one if that makes sense. I went from a care free girl in her very early 20's who was soooo not responsible to this 80 year old feeling alone woman with this HUGE responsibility on my shoulders.
I miss my family soooo much. I am tired of being scared, tired of being strong, and tired of being alone. But I wouldn't trade any of this...she is so beyond worth anything I have to go through and I wouldn't trust anyone else with her care. I feel Like my insides are a hurricane! I am screaming as loud as I can and no one hears me. When I try to talk to someone about it, it gets weird, the topic gets changed, I can't truly open up. And I know there are social workers at the hospital but those people.... MDA might be advanced with technology and meds but they lack with personable staff! I do better when we are home, but the day before to the day after we arrive and leave I am an emotional wreck.
Our lease is up in April in Austin and Maria was thinking about moving to Houston but I don't think I can actually live IN Houston. It would make me have a nervous breakdown because I can't "leave" it behind, it'll be in my face non-stop. Like living where you work.
She will take longer on this too because she was a slow early responder. She will have to repeat two of her phases, which I think is good no matter what, but the fact that it adds 3 months before we get to maintaince is a bit dis-heartening.....
I'm gonna stop now.
Hi jamielynn
I too have had all these fears, only it was for my wife. I would go shopping and feel I needed to rush home to make sure she was OK. After a while it became easier but I would still have these fears from time to time. It's part of the graving process. I had a good support system as I'm in AA so I had friends to talk with about my fears. Your not alone we are here for you to vent with. It's hard to be a caregiver for someone who has cancer just the word puts fear in our hearts. Every time she hurt I hurt too we shared the pains and held each other and cried. When there was improvement we rejoiced in it also. There are support groups for caregivers see if you can't find one in your area. Ask at the Dr office they will help get you into one.
Love Gene
I am so sorry you're having such a difficult and horrible time of things. You mentioned you were feeling suicidal but aren't now -- but were
still recently. From the sounds of all you've posted, have you spoken to anyone about feeling depressed? The anxiousness, stress, not sleeping,
fear of being away from your partner and with everything going on .. it may benefit you to speak and meet with a therapist/LCSW -- someone who
is qualified to assess your entire "whole" well being -- evaluate & discuss anti-depressants and other supportive treatment options .. most of all, the
importance of knowing there is someone there to listen. I've found the oncology social workers on the floor to be quite supportive, especially to family members and their loved ones/caregivers. Please give them a chance and the benefit of the doubt. I know when my Mom was in the hospital for her "induction" period and chemo treatment (a year ago last January 2010 at the beginning of all this) the social worker on the floor had a caregiver support group that met once a week in the lounge. I was reticent at first, but did eventually go to a few meetings and found them helpful, if only to be in the company of others in the same position as I.
Things are going to get much harder and worse, before they get better. If you're truly going to be there for your partner, taking care of yourself comes first, it must, without a doubt. If you're worn out to the point of not coping, it's not going to be possible for you to be there for her, when she needs you most. As tough as it is, and it's horrid, I know .. I was in your shoes a year ago .. facing all of this with my Mom. I felt scared, thinking the worst, and well, the thought of losing her was real .. and gosh I'm still not sure what I'd do if something happened to her. What's key here is I made the choice, to be there for her. I also met with my therapist once a week, asked my friends from work to look out for me .. there are a couple of friends (former co-workers) I still keep in touch with .. who said to email or call (after work hours or anytime really) if I needed anything. I took them up on their offer .. a few of us began meeting once a week after work for coffee and knitting, conversation .. it really helped take my mind off things .. and for that hour or so, I didn't think about my Mom .. I let myself laugh, be silly, serious, cry what have you .. but never felt guilty about giving myself that time for myself. It's key! At the rate and downward spiral you're going, I fear the worst and that you'll completely emotionally, psychologically burn out. Please, call your family, a friend .. ask for the help you need to get through this. Right now, your partner can't do this for you .. it's something that must come from you .. as she's counting on you! Care giving is a self-less loving act of compassion .. it means you'll be there for your partner to support her, love her, laugh, sing, be silly .. and cry with her .. to be her voice when she's not able to .. to interact with her doctors and support team .. to learn as much as you can about her condition .. in the end allowing you both to make the best decisions possible with regards to her care and treatment. A care giver is also a cheer leader .. as there will be times when your partner is depressed and feeling like giving up herself. I organized an on going card writing project for my Mom via our friends and family .. from near and far .. as I knew it would cheer her up .. and let her know people were thinking of her .. and loved her .. cards came several times a week .. and were delivered via hospital mail right to her room. This little sunshine of a project still continues .. it's easy to set up .. and is an inexpensive way for people to help .. and support you both. I posted something to my facebook page and also sent email update out to her friends and family ..
I sense and hear such despair in your voice. Living through leukemia and cancer is grueling, painful and heart-wrenching .. the thing that kept me going and still does is inner strength .. and a belief in something bigger and larger than myself. But most importantly, the notion that asking for help does NOT EQUAL FAILURE! Asking for help = strength .. so please reach out to those closest to you (in your own life who can help as well.) I am concerned though, from reading your latest post -- because I'm hearing from you only how this has affected you and to such a degree .. I sense from your painful words .. this is about you .. the thing is .. if you have any chance in getting through this .. it may help to also put this in perspective of your partner .. how is she feeling? what is she worried about today? how can I help ease her fears .. does she like a particular author .. maybe I can read to her for a while .. maybe see about borrowing some DVD's to watch together .. how can we work together to create a healing and relaxing environment .. with what resources we have .. I leave you with this .. in the meantime I'm sending much love, understanding and support .. know I can be reached here anytime.
Hang in there .. ox
erin ox
Thank you for the replies and concern. I am just anxiety stricken because our lease is up in April and we had to renew or give notice this weekend and Maria thought it best to give notice and move closer to Houston. I disagree because as long as she keeps doing well, our trips will be less frequent. We will now go once every 10 days for awhile instead of weekly. And Houston to me now represents cancer. Being there brings me to the begining and all the fear and sleepless nights. And I love Austin. And even though number wise she is doing well, she lately again is having too many days where she is in bed all day. That takes a toll on me mentally for many reasons. And it's hard. But it will pass.
Alot of it too, is that it's just hard not being able to go do things either because of money, or primarily because she doesn't feel well enough. But I have re-discovered scrapbooking and have been by pieces to add to what I have and am going to start doing that agin, I think it will help take my mind off of things.


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Wait. I thought Animazement was the Harlem Shake..
Hahah joking~ With all the craziness and excitement, you're bound to see random happy dances!
As far as this not being about Japan or anime? It's not like it's an entire event dedicated to it. No panels or whatnot. We're welcome to gather and do anything within the rules. I doubt any rules say no non-Asian dancing..
But anyway. I'm going to have to pass on this probably.
Maybe if I see you guys doing the Harlem Shake and I'm feeling really, really random at that particular moment. =)
- http://www.animazement.org/
- It is currently Thu Apr 24, 2014 6:01 pm
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|Animazement Fan Forum
Animazement harlem shake!!
It's not just about us. Attendees like to arrange some side events. Let's talk about them and make some plans!
Moderator: MinaUchiha2
Re: Animazement harlem shake!!
I know what you mean, GoPikachu! Sometimes the AZ crowd just draws you in to do the craziest things. It's that contagious fun energy!!!
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Re: Animazement harlem shake!!
My friend and I are definately in! Let me know if ya'll get it set up.
Re: Animazement harlem shake!!
Love this idea! Hope it happens cause I know I'd be there!
Re: Animazement harlem shake!!
I'd gladly contribute to the harlem shake.
Re: Animazement harlem shake!!
Bit of a change of plan! ^^; if there is a harlem shake video going on I would love to join but we are planning now a cosplay lip dub video <3 if anyone is on facebook and would like to join please let me know! or just go here https://www.facebook.com/groups/379143448867801/
~if life is but a fleeting dream...please do not wake me~
planned AZ 2014 cosplay:
Fight club captain Mako--kill la kill
Happy--Fairy Tail
Crimson Viper--Street Fighter
Bunny Maid
Re: Animazement harlem shake!!
I think if anyone attempts this there will be a riot, ending it completely. Not even japanese. Definitely not the place to do this.
Beware the upcoming apocalypse!
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Ray Ban
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Ray Ban Sunglasses
Choosing Sunglasses
Sunglasses are like any other fashion accessory; you wear them to make a statement or to express your personality and style. To ensure that your sunglasses suit your style, pick one that you really like. There's a wide range of frame colours, tinted lens colours, and styles to choose from. Whether you prefer the classic Aviator style or the modern graphic squared shape, there is something in the Ray Ban sunglasses collection for you.
If you're going for a classic glamorous look, opt for an oversized round or square shape. This will give you that timeless Audrey Hepburn appeal. Oversized sunglasses are still very popular and seen sported by celebrities such as Victoria Beckham, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Oversized sunglasses were extremely popular in the late 1980's and seems to be making a coming this year.
If you're aiming for an urban edge, go for the contemporary shapes such as wayfarer or square. The angular lines will really add character to you and contour your face. An aviator is a classic frame that can also give you that modern edge; Megan Fox, Jennifer Aniston, and Tinie Tempah are well-known celebrities who have rocked the urban look. Rihanna is a recent celebrity that hasn't been seen without her Ray Ban sunglasses. In her latest single titled 'Cheers' she mentioned that she doesn't look super cool without having her Ray Bans on.
Retro Styles Are Back In Fashion!
Vintage and retro styles are always making a comeback. Right now we love the cat-eye (also known as butterfly) and round shapes; Rihanna, Katy Perry and Lady GaGa have been seen sporting the look more than once. The Ray Ban Aviators and Wayfarers are currently the best selling frames however the Ray Ban Cats model has also become an increasingly popular choice over the past year.


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Accurate Adjustments. Easily adjusted on the engine, the Comp Cams Phaser Lock Kit features a 4 crank degree (2 cam degrees) mark on the outer diameter for accurate adjustments.
Application. The Comp Cams Adjustable Phaser Lock Kit is specifically designed for use on 2011 to 2014 4 valved 5.0L powered Coyote Mustangs running aftermarket Comp Cams.
Mustang Fitment: 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 Details >>


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Water supply: good and bad news
4 days ago
It's hard to know whether having a lot of something in the bag or in the bush is better at times.
Helper's 'kid infrastructure' takes shape
4 days ago
While most of the infrastructure work going on in Helper is mundane, subterranean stuff like water, sewer and storm drainage, some above-ground improvements are bringing a dash of color and fun to the city....
'No Grave Unadorned,' a unique tradition here, begins another Memorial Day drive
4 days ago
It's that time of year again!
Student art at Gallery East
4 days ago
USU Eastern's Art Department is hosting the Annual Juried Student Art Show. The work is on display through May 1 at Gallery East.
Archaeologist to discuss Nine Mile Canyon preservation
4 days ago
Pam Miller, who many people know in the area as a former USU Eastern Archaeology professor, will be presenting the program titled "The Rebirth and Renewal of Utah's Nine Mile Canyon" on Thursday night at 7 p.m. in the USU Eastern Prehistoric Museum's...
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Cooper-Hewitt: An Evening with the Campana Brothers
Fernando and Humberto Campana take a low-tech, artisanal approach to design, employing sustainable, readily available, and often recycled materials to craft high design. Together, the two brothers have designed idiosyncratic, evocative, and sometimes humorous works for Edra and H. Stern, among others. Held in conjunction with the opening of Campana Brothers Select: Works from the Permanent Collection, Cooper-Hewitt invites Roberto Stern of H. Stern and Giuliana Michelotti of Edra to join Curatorial Director Cara McCarty and the Campanas in a discussion of their work.
Campana Brothers Select, Exhibition, Campana Brothers, Fernando Campana, Humberto Campana, Designer, low-tech, sustainable, recycled, materials, Roberto Stern, Giuliana Michelotti, panel, talk, long, public program
Design Trio: Cooper-Hewitt, west elm, David Stark
On March 3, Cooper-Hewitt's Members (Contributing level and above) joined the private opening of west elm's newest location on the upper west side. Event designer extraordinaire David Stark created one-of-a-kind furniture and objects from recycled west elm packing materials and catalogs.
West Elm, Upper West Side, New York City, NYC, store opening, David Stark, event desinger, furniture, objects, housewares, recycled, materials, catalogs, auction, Display
Natalie Jeremijenko is GOOD
Triennial honoree Natalie Jerimijenko is featured on the cover of the current issue of GOOD magazine, the hip new eco/business/culture journal. On GOOD's web site, you can see a video of Jerimijenko at work in her new Environmental Health Clinic, a floating desk and research station built from recycled soda bottles. Jermijenko reports that you can best experience environmental ills when you are in the environment.
Triennial, honoree, Natalie Jerimijenko, GOOD, magazine, magazine cover, feature, website, internet, video, Environmental Health Clinic, office furniture, recycled, materials


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Home / Browse / Hendricks, Barbara
Barbara Hendricks is an internationally recognized leading lyric soprano. Whether performing light soprano roles in traditional operatic repertory, demanding premieres of twentieth-century vocal music, song recitals, or jazz, Hendricks has been recognized as a leading artist since the mid-1970s. In addition, she is recognized internationally for her work for human rights and world peace.
Barbara Hendricks was born on November 20, 1948, in Stephens (Ouachita County). The child of a Methodist minister, she lived in various small towns in Arkansas and Tennessee. She graduated from Horace Mann High School in Little Rock (Pulaski County). She enrolled at Lane College in Jackson, Tennessee, and transferred to the University of Nebraska as a chemistry major. She graduated in 1969 with a BS in mathematics and chemistry.
Her musical activities to that point were in church and civic choirs. She was encouraged to attend the Aspen Music Festival in the summer of 1969 and there met the celebrated vocalist and teacher Jennie Tourel, who invited her to study at the Juilliard School in New York City after college. She moved to New York, winning several vocal competitions in the early 1970s and completed a degree in voice from Juilliard in 1973.
Hendricks found success with the Mini-Met production of 4 Saints in 3 Acts (1973) and a recording of Porgy and Bess (1974). She followed it up with debuts in San Francisco, California (1974); Paris, France (1982); and London, England (1982), as well as with the Metropolitan Opera in New York City (1987). Vocal recitals have been particularly important to her.
Hendricks lived in France and then in Switzerland with her husband, Martin Engstrom, a Swedish citizen whom she married in 1978. They have three children. Her interest in humanitarian activities led to her being named a goodwill ambassador in 1987 by the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees. She performed at an inauguration gala for President Bill Clinton's 1993 inauguration. She received an Honorary Doctor of Music from Juilliard in 2000.
For additional information:
"Barbara Hendricks." Ebony 45 (May 1990): 158–160.
Barbara Hendricks. http://www.barbarahendricks.com (accessed February 8, 2013).
Forbes, Elizabeth. "Barbara Hendricks." The New Grove Dictionary of Music and Musicians. New York: Macmillan Publishers, 2002.
Karp, Judith. "Barbara Hendricks." Fugue 3 (January 1979): 37–38.
Scherer, Barrymore Laurence. "Mimi with a Method: On Becoming Barbara Hendricks." Opera News 53 (August 1988): 8–12.
Floyd W. MartinUniversity of Arkansas at Little Rock
Last Updated 8/21/2013
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Sometimes the conventional wisdom isn't so wise.In running, among the many supposedly ironclad "rules" are three sports medicine matters that merit debunking. First, that cortisone shots are an inherently bad treatment and that you shouldn't receive more than three shots for any injury. Second, that you can't run on a stress fracture, so if you have an injury but can still run, then it can't possibly be a stress fracture. Third, that orthotics can cure every injury. Let's look at each of these and sort fact from fiction.
Cortisone is the commonly used term for all corticosteroid injections. Cortisone and similar types of drugs are known as catabolic steroids. Corticosteroids, of which cortisone is one type, mimic the effects of naturally occurring hormones produced by the pituitary gland and serve to reduce inflammation. The drug can be delivered topically, orally (such as prednisone) or injected. My focus here is on the injectable corticosteroids used to treat running injuries.
Let me start by acknowledging that, like many myths, the one about cortisone shots doing damage has some basis in fact. The contention that you shouldn't receive repeated injections is valid if many injections are performed at the same location in a short amount of time, because in this concentrated delivery corticosteroids can cause breakdown in the tissue. For this reason it's important that injections be performed around a tendon and not directly into the tendon itself. (Because there's so little matter around it, one area that should almost never be injected is the Achilles tendon.)
Getting the Shot?
Nerve, tendon, joint and fascial injuries seem to respond best to a local corticosteroid injection. Some examples include an interdigital neuroma, plantar fasciitis, peroneal or posterior tibial tendinitis and any inflammation in or around a joint. I've found that if there is an acute area of pain about the size of a quarter, then there's a good chance than an injection will be successful.
Steroid injections also work better in the earlier stages of an injury. If an injection has resolved a lot of the pain but there's still some discomfort, then I might recommend a second injection. If, however, there's little to no relief from the first injection, then I typically won't recommend another at the same location.
Corticosteroids are described as banned substances if administered orally, intramuscularly, intravenously or rectally. Steroids injected into a joint or around a tendon are acceptable, but a declaration of use must be filled out by the athlete.
Anabolic steroids are a different class, and serve to build muscle and foster faster recovery from workouts. These are always banned substances in track and field.
It's simply not true that you can't run on a stress fracture. Runners typically have a high pain tolerance, and when endorphins are released during a run this will mask the pain of most injuries, leading to a false sense of security. It's important to pay attention to some of the signs that may indicate a stress fracture, including more pain as a run progresses and a throbbing type of pain after a run is completed and the endorphins are subsided. Metatarsal stress fractures will also be accompanied by swelling; anytime I have a patient with pain and swelling on the top of the foot, then I consider a stress fracture as a possibility.
It's important to note that X-rays often may not show any signs of a stress fracture. If you have the above signs of a stress fracture and an X-ray is normal, follow up with another diagnostic test such as a bone scan, CT scan or MRI.
While you can run on a stress fracture, you shouldn't--doing so simply delays healing and will probably lead to a compensatory injury from altering your running form. The sooner a stress fracture is diagnosed and treated, the faster the athlete can return to activity. Consider the case of Rich Kenah, who won bronze medals at 800m in the 1997 indoor and outdoor world championships. When he resumed training for the 1998 season, he developed pain in the middle of his foot. Kenah was able to run for another month, albeit in pain, and began compensating, which led to pain on the outside of the foot. It turns out that Kenah had a navicular stress fracture (bone in the midfoot) and compensation for this injury led to a stress fracture in the fourth metatarsal bone. A long layoff ensued, which included crutches, a walking cast and a bone stimulator. Kenah had to miss the 1998 season, but was able to return to competition in 1999, and he made the U.S. Olympic team in 2000.
Some stress fractures, such as of the navicular or cuboid bones, require more aggressive treatment, including complete non-weight-bearing and a cast. The most common stress fractures in a runner include the metatarsal and tibia. While treatment varies based on the severity and symptoms, these two areas usually allow the patient to avoid using crutches.