text:
When I was little I had a great fear of the dark. On a good night I might fall asleep and not wake until morning. More often I would wake during the long hours and even a bedside lamp could not comfort me, always knowing that the dark beyond the light was greater. At some point I learned to read and to realize that books could provide comfort. With a warm quilt and stack of books, I could endure a long dark night.
In two weeks my community will receive a visit from artist, writer, and illustrator, Julie Paschkis. Having a connection to the group of educators and librarians who assemble this annual "Visiting Author" event, it's a delight to become acquainted with her fine work. But not only that, I have been taught (even charmed) by her explanation of the very personal experience that is writing and creating.


text:
Strangers on a Train
"A gripping, palm-sweating piece of suspense." —Variety
Director: Alfred Hitchcock
Year: 1951
Country: USA
Running time: 101 minsUSA
Producer: Alfred Hitchcock
Production co: Warner Brothers
Screenplay: Raymond Chandler, Whitfield Cook, Czenzi Ormonde
Based on the novel by Patricia Highsmith
Photography: Robert Burks
Art director: Edward S. Haworth
Editor: William H. Ziegler
Music: Dmitri Tiomkin
Farley Granger
Robert Walker
Ruth Roman
Leo G. Carroll
Patricia Hitchcock
Marion Lorne
Howard St. John
"Technically, the climax of the film is the celebrated runaway merry-go-round, but the high point of excitement and amusement is Bruno trying to recover his cigarette lighter while Guy plays a fantastically nerve-racking tennis match. Even this high point isn't what we remember best – which is Robert Walker. It isn't often that people think about a performance in a Hitchcock movie; usually what we recall are bits of 'business' – the stump finger in The 39 Steps, the windmill turning the wrong way in Foreign Correspondent, etc. But Walker's performance is what gives this movie much of its character and its peculiar charm.
"It is typical of Hollywood's brand of perversity that Raymond Chandler was never hired to adapt any of his own novels for the screen; he was, however, employed on Double Indemnity and Strangers on a Train (which is based on a novel by Patricia Highsmith). Chandler (or someone – perhaps Czenzi Ormonde, who's also credited) provided Hitchcock with some of the best dialogue that ever graced a thriller." — Pauline Kael

subset: commoncrawl


text:
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A threefold program Because psychology is an academic discipline, a science and an applied profession, we offer a threefold program that includes the following components.
Intensive classroom activities and challenges: You will learn the foundations of psychology by conducting psychological studies in the Research Methods and Statistics class; and you will apply psychological theory to understand how people think, feel and behave when you take Sensory and Perceptual Processes, Cognitive Psychology, and Social Psychology. In Lifespan Developmental Psychology, you will investigate developmental milestones; in Abnormal Psychology, you will use case studies to diagnose mental illness.
Research opportunities: Psychology students have opportunities to apply theory in research and to engage in independent studies with faculty members in both laboratory and field settings. By participating in research you can develop skills in such areas as administering surveys, conducting experiments, analyzing data and presenting results via presentation or publication.
Eligible sophomore students can apply for funding from the Ralph George Scholarship, which supports research with a faculty member in the junior and senior years.
Academic internships: Internships offer practical, firsthand experience in applying psychology, as well as the development of professional and personal skills. Berry psychology majors have held internships with the Division of Family and Child Services, Open Door Home, Harbor House, Victim Witness Protection Program, Sexual Assault Center of Northwest Georgia and Hospitality House, as well as with school systems, police departments, juvenile court, community mental health centers, rehabilitation services and human resources departments in business and industry.
Outside the classroom The Berry College Psychological Society promotes psychology and provides a forum for debate of psychological research and applications. It meets regularly and sponsors guest speakers, community service activities and social events.
Berry College also supports a chapter of the national honor society in psychology, Psi Chi, which holds an annual induction ceremony and sponsors academic presentations. Student involvement in Psi Chi enhances knowledge of the discipline and provides scholarship and networking opportunities.
The psychology lab is outfitted with computers for student use. The lab coordinates research studies and provides GRE practice tests and course tutorials. It also maintains a library of graduate school, internship and employment information. Student lab assistants, employed through Berry's student Work Experience Program, assist fellow students with the computers and publish the Inkblot, a newsletter for psychology students. Additional student work positions are available in the psychology department office suite and with individual faculty members.
Career opportunities Students earning a degree in psychology typically pursue one of three career paths. Those desiring a future in research or professional psychology often pursue graduate education in a master's or doctoral program that may focus on:
The psychology degree also serves as a segue to such related disciplines/programs as:
Finally, upon graduating with a bachelor's degree, Berry psychology majors have distinguished themselves in a variety of careers including:
Answers to your questions If you have any questions or would like to learn more about the psychology department at Berry College, please call 706-290-2660 or visit our Web page.


text: If you closed your eyes at the right moment during the security conference here on Saturday, everything suddenly melted away. The German luxury hotel vanished, replaced by cement walls and fountains. The northern European winter became a hot summer day along the Nile. Hillary Clinton, in a brown suit and gold necklace, morphed into Condoleezza Rice, in a gray suit and pearls.


text:
His phone is still locked up like Fort Knox.
The A may truly be over but the fact that he is still not 100% transparent with you still means he's not all in. So keep being vigilante and keep focusing on you.
My false year of R started with a vacation to the Islands. We had a great time and essentially rugswept while we were there but a comment my STBX made on the last day didn't click until much later. She told me that she could tell on the last day when my mind went back home because my entire demeanor changed. She and I both basically rugswept the next year away until her issues resurfaced again. She wasn't happy and since she never took the time to actually fix her issues they remained.
I don't say this to be negative, just to say be careful and continue to watch your WH's actions. If the A is over then he may be trying to clean up the mess he made at home now that he no longer has options. He left cow pies all over your M and the problem with that is you can only shine a turd so much. It's still a turd. If he doesn't actually pick up the cow pies, thoroughly exam them, figure out what they are then he is just shining them instead of picking them up and throwing them over the fence. I mean really who wants to go picking through poop but that is what doing the hard work is like. It's doing some of the toughest, nastiest digging into yourself that someone can do and he has to do it or YOU will never feel safe.
You've been on the defensive so long that it feels when things go well for a bit. But if you are like many fo us that itch in the back of your head won't go away. It gets fainter and fainter when they actually do the work and you can see it. When they don't do the work the itch gets worse no matter how things SEEM to be going. Call it an itch ora gut feeling. Just remember to listen to it whether it's telling you good things or bad.
So I don't say this to discourage you or insinuate that your WH is not changing. You are there with him everyday. Just keep focusing on you and your life because if you do find that he is still in the A or in fact is a dry adulterer then you will still have kept moving forward with building your life. He has the choice on whether to fix himself to a point where he remains in your life or you move on without him.
The realization of false R hurt me worse than Dday. The pain didn't last as long but it was much sharper especially since for me the signs were there all along that STBXW wasn't actually doing anything to change herself. Just remember to keep taking care of yourself throughout this. I wish you the best.
I have rarely posted here but felt compelled to chime in around the issue of our responsibilities in our marriages, settling, etc.
I am reexamining my entire relationship with my H based on what I have learned in the last 11 months. I realize that I was "settling" for less than I deserved or what he was capable of, but unless this shitstorm happened I never would have known.
I knew he had a tendency to withdraw and was quite selfish. I knew he had major concerns around being controlled, including around sex ( always had to be on his terms). I knew he could be moody, even at times depressive. I addressed these issues at times, as gently as possible, to no avail. Then I looked around at other marriages and found that ours was as good or better than most. He worked hard, was kind and complimentary, a decent father. I buckled down and built the best life I could for our family. I did know that the maintenance of the M was all on me--never once has he asked to talk about our relationship, sex, etc or tried to make it better--but I had enough energy for two! We had a great life, he admired, loved and respected me and told me often. He participated enthusiastically in the trips, weekends away, ballroom dancing (ok that enthusiasm took time!!), athletic endeavors, even during his LTA.
So how was I to know that he only had 80% of himself available? Until I got to see him fully open, honest and present? Even during the LTA he took the 5% he gave her out of his secret, toxic, shameful 20% so I truly never missed it. His ability to compartmentalize was that complete. He was just the same.
So what is settling vs being "mature" and realistic about people's shortcomings? I wouldn't have divorced my H because he was lazy around the house.
Of course now it is different. This is my potential payoff for this shitstorm. The transformation has been amazing. He is so much more at peace, so much happier, so open, generous, vulnerable. And I can initiate sex any time I want with at a minimum a good time had by me!
So beyond puzzling through how I unwittingly chose a CSA survivor and convinced myself that his cheating on me when we were dating did not preclude my marrying him, I really don't hold myself responsible for settling, or frankly for any of it. I was always the best wife I knew how to be.
Thanks for listening while I rambled!
Nell.. excellent!!! Looking to the future and not the past.
DH.. glad you enjoyed your vacation and were treated nicely. The Fort Knox thing is trouble with a capital T. If (when) you are prepared to deal with a possible D then this needs to be dealt with then, promptly and bluntly. Disclosure is up to you but transparency is a must. You could say all devices must be accessible to me beginning on next Saturday to give him time to clean them up. If he is unwilling to do so, you will know where you stand.
Jack.. I am sorry that you seem to be struggling lately and hopefully your actions will push your WW off dead center to address her issues, begin to more actively support your healing and work on your M together. Good luck!
In h&c land, the in house separation has been difficult. School starts next week for all and we will begin to more actively work on the D. stbxww has found a place to buy so our situation will be improving soon.
I have followed the discussion on attractiveness and choices. I had a conversation this week and it evolved into "three good choices that I had made in my life"
The university I attended. Everyone had such exceptional character!
After graduation from college, I chose to live with my parents for two years. During this time, I got to know them as individuals and not just parents. It was one of the most enjoyable and rewarding times in my life.
Marrying my wise!
DS was puzzled by this last one. "but I thought you were getting divorced". I responded briefly with an example of DD and her boyfriend going to different colleges and probable breaking up. It did not mean that they should not have dated each other exclusively in high school. He immediately understood.
Which brings me to the subject of DENIAL. I became a better person by knowing my W, my life was enriched in many ways. We raised a wonderful family together and had many enjoyable times together. I appreciate and acknowledge these facts.
My stbxww made a horrific choice to have an A and this has hurt me very deeply. And though I have offered her the opportunity to R, she has chosen not to and this also hurts.
Which brings me back to the subject of DENIAL. stbxww denies that she chose to marry me having told MC that "I just followed h&c's lead". well, as some of you may recall my wife is Jewish and I am not and this was a very big deal and she knew it. Initial comments from her mom, a relatives letter "I am writing to stop this wedding", and an excursion into a Jewish dating service in the middle of our courtship. And after having been friends, it was her that initiated our romantic relationship. Recently, she was musing "what if we had not vacationed together.." a specific turning point in our relationship.
And this past week, stbxww approaches me in the morning to tell me why we must D and says "I never enjoyed having sex with you, yes you brought me pleasure but I never enjoyed having sex with you" What an evil bitch! We are divorcing and even if true there is no point to inflict further pain on a person that has supported her for over 20 years.
So I spent this past week reflecting on our M when I should have been working. We had our issues, small ones. And we had wonderful times together, including sexually, until the time when she started her A.
So IMH, she made a horrific choice to have an A and now cannot go back without crushing herself emotionally and spiritually. She has to DENY the existence of the good times in our M in order to justify her choice to have an A which is truly counter to her core values. She has been on A-D since DDay and tells me se would fall apart if she stopped taking them.
So I have shared with her my reflections on our M and the false tenets that she only followed my lead in getting married and that our sex life was not enjoyable for her. I did this in a loving way, absent f anger, and let her know that I will no longer tolerate these type of behaviors from her. I have since seen a positive change in her treatment and respect for me.
It will take some time for the D to be processed and finalized. It will take some time for her to close on a home and settle into it. I will be patient and supportive as I have been for many years. That is who I am.
Today, I have a greater sense of peace than I have felt in a long time. I have give it my best! And my best is very very good!
Many thanks to the tribe for the wonderful insights and support provided throughout this journey.
Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease!
What I don't understand is your WW's need to hurt you? OK we get it-you don't want to stay married. OK-we get it...you had an affair.
But, why the need to bring this stuff up out of the blue?
Seriously? Is she that selfish and cold that she does not understand how painful it is for the BS to hear this kind of criticism?
I'm sure you're right-it's her way to shift blame for everything.
But, it is awful.
So sorry that you have to deal with this.
What is the timeline for her to move out?
There is no definte timeline. She could make an offer and possibly in a new place by October. No guaranttes on the offer acceptance.
It is okay, I can live with it and be patience. She has been my wife for over 20 years and I will give her the time necessary to start her life anew without me as her husband. I will not put pressure on her to make hasty decisions.
it is just the internal justification for the A that she must go through in order to preserve her own emotional well being
When my H and I were in MC'ing, I had my H make a list of those lies he told himself in order to justify his A to himself and then another list of those things about our M that were real and true that we could work on together to improve the quality of our M. This was very eye-opening for him to compare these 2 distinct lists and somewhat shocking to me to read the nonsense lies he told himself during his LTA.
I think the theory of cognitive dissonance is so interesting and helpful in getting to the "how" of our S's LTA's.
I am glad to hear you sounding so strong. Your W is a very foolish woman, IMHO, and it wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out that she lives to regret this current course she is set on.
My husband, while apologetic when asked, seems to want to forget the whole thing. I think he is relieved that I did not divorce him the week I found out( we have been married over 18 years). I don't think it registers with him that inaction on my part does not equal forgiveness. If I am honest with myself I don't know what I want. We have kids, so they are and have been a huge factor in deciding not to do anything until I can get my head around what has been going on.
I got some great advice on this thread and I am currently working through the book Sexual Detours which was suggested here. I like it quite a bit but I had a question. In the book it says 65 percent of marriages end when an affair is discovered. That sounds so high based on other sources. I am curious because since my husband while apologetic, is certainly not remorseful, and I am feeling indifferent. It's just so quiet around here, no one on the surface is fighting for anything, therefore, is my strategy of waiting a bit just stupid? Am I postponing the inevitable? At what point is behavior reflective of what is going on inside? On the surface we are cordial, with my husband being nicer than he has been in a while but certainly not working to win back my affection, somehow I think he is acting like I should just be grateful he picked me. For me, I feel like there is a hurricane going on inside but on the outside its been getting the kids ready for the start of school, and having additional responsibilities at work where I just got a promotion. Not only have I not shown him much anger, I am hardly showing it to myself. I have allowed the kids and work and their demands to allow me to feel indifferent in some respects to my husbands underwhelming apology.
Maybe this is what people mean by fog, but does the fog envelope both partners?
You just provided more insigt than any of the MC did for my W and I. During her A, we went to religous services often at her request. She would remark how important to her. And later she would remark how she obtained little spirituality from attending services. Yes, internal conflict.
At the beginning of this year, she resumed IC and told me it was not to work on our M but to detach from me and told me how hard it was to do so.. Really? I do not have those negative behaviours one needs to detach from. Alcoholic, no. Abusive, no. Controlling, no. Unfaithful, no. Other addictive, no. Just a lowyal husband providing steady financial and emotional support to her and our children.
Walking... back to school time is busy and it will take a lot of your nergy. But if your WH is not fighting for you and the M then there is nothing you can do to restore your M as it should be for you. Some WS do get it, others never do get it. And the timeline for those WS that do get it is very differnt. I have no advice to offer just my best wishes for you and your children to survive and thrive.
I hear Iwant say.. just talk to them.. let them know so true.. the hard part is when you do
how do they react. How you say things is that important. The follow up is that important. What you accept and not accept by overcoming all those fears.
You want happiness? Then control what you can control. Yourself.
IMHO these people-both the men and women were unhappy....what were they unhappy about? often nonsense.
I would never blame myself for a car thief stealing my car! Even if I left the keys in the car.
I can plan ahead and lock my door. I can control myself. This protects me from a thief in most cases.
But things dont always go according to plan. Life is not always fair. Pain is part of life. People are not loving and loyal all of the time.
I can lock my door and most thieves wont attempt to steal the car. But fact is, some know how to pick the lock or even break a window. If I lock the door, my odds of happiness by not having my car stolen is far greater. It does not mean it wont get stolen.
I contend you never take for granted, be naïve, ignorant, behave in ways behind those famous last words, I do. If you do, pain will certainly happen.
I cannot disagree that life gets busy, we get lackadaisical, we focus on our kids, our work; and those are all good things we must do when having responsibilities. Nobody is perfect. Priorities get pushed to the top.
I can take responsibility for those things in my life I pushed to the top while allowing other things to get pushed to the back.
In an LTA, we put certain thing on a lower priority. We did and maybe at the same time our spouses did too. But we can only control what WE do.
I have no doubt my wife is very a very weak woman. She still is in many ways to this day. I cannot change my wife because she is who she wants to be. And at the same time, I have no doubt I also a very weak man. I can change that. Sure, I can lie to myself and say, no I was perfect, I was adequate, I did my part.. etc.. and YES, it was possible that I was doing the best of my ability at that time. I felt I was doing my part and at my highest level possible. Yes, inside my soul and being, I was who I was and I was being what I felt responsible. Just because I believed I was that good does not mean I was doing all the right things to be attractive to a point someone not dare cheat, risk losing me. Obviously, my wife felt inside the risk was worth the reward. Something was missing in our relationship.
I am not going to tell you some people are not just broken. Some people are. Some are broken for short temporary periods of time and long periods of time. Some people will never get it.
What is important is we develop, we know, we understand, and WE get it. Because to seek and protect our own happiness, we must get it so that we know when to accept certain things and when not to accept. We must get it to see risk our emotions again and when not too.
At nearly 5 years out, I can now see something about all LTA. We had something not quite right about us. I realize that by my saying that comment, I will bring some people pain. I know today that with pain CAN come resolution. Conflicts can and do resolve.
We can choose anyone we want to love. If we know the ideal needs of any human, that love will last if that person reacts to goodness. It is also important to understand, some people just cannot be healthy. I happen to think most people react and respond well to being loved the right way. We in LTA may think we knew at the time, but in all honestly, we didnt.
If we did, our situations would not have been Long term. We would have brought the conflict to a head far earlier, far sooner, or maybe before a relationship started to get connected It is important for us to learn new behaviors , know them, understand them, have the courage to behave, confront, to not accept or enable, to take personal responsibility for ourselves.
My best friends are now involved in a conflict with their daughter. Of course we all get the love as parents. Their daughter has fallen in the addictive trap. The consequences of her actions have caused my friends great pain both monetary and mental. This 17 year old is in jail. Sure my friends are in great pain. A given we all face at some point in our lives. I admire the way my friend are handling their situation. They first gave their DD some consequences. She resisted, she continued bad behavior. The consequences advance to the point today.. she is no longer going to be enabled. Nearing 18, they can do no more. She is very close to the ultimatum.. there DD will no longer be part of their lives. The DD is close to some serious consequences in her life.. Fucking it up. She will end up in misery for years to come. My friends gave this DD many chances, that is all they can do. The time comes when they have had enough. Their own misery will come to an end because they eliminate misery from their lives. It will be a 3-4 year period they will look back time on in sadness.. but can rejoice in the fact their other two kids are.. healthy.
I can sit here on my high horse and say.. They should have done this or that. Bars on the window so she would not have slipped away at night to seek drugs and sex. Those kinds of things. My friends seek what they could have done differently, I get that. They could have done a few things different. But what they had I didnt was when the bad behavior started, they did something about it. They could see it, they behaved in ways the DD was going to react. The reaction was going to be good or bad.
I read most of you to get my message.
I say in a LTA there were some things we must discover about ourselves so we dont allow misery to continue or be a part of our lives. They are numerous. . They must be right and fair to be most attractive.. They must bring equality in the relationship for both to be completely happy
Honest, I dont view this as beating up myself. I get where a person can say.. I am going to beat myself up IMO, it is a good value to have one of personal responsibility. I personally take for all that happens to me in life. It does not mean I knew it all. I can and do forgive myself for my own bad behaviors and my part.
If I live in a part of town you never need to lock the door, we get complacent.. when we then go to a bad part of town, we may not think to lock the door. A thief is most likely to occur. Evil is part of life that goes back to the beginning of time and will continue to the end of time.
For reasons, our society has fallen into the trap that the famous last words, I do is the security we accept. We accept is as what it should be, only to find 30-60% of all marriage end up in cheating. And knowing this we get married and yet we fail to protect ourselves. In most marriages I am sure the behaviors of one or both are not what is required. Yes we fell into the web. Only very few marriages have the success where both are most happy. Those are the ones where both try hard to give to each other. Part of giving is also the strength to lead the other when going down the path of failure. In a good marriage when going down that path, a good reaction occurs, not a bad one. When the good reaction does not occur.. we find a new path, a new change, which could mean a new partner who does understand healthy relationships.. We must be able to fully understand what is healthy.. What we do.. it matter only what others do because our strength is to eliminate those who are unhealthy in our lives.. Unhealthy people will bring you misery. Get rid of them. I can forgive myself for not being healthy.
If I was healthy, I know with certainty, I would have discovered a long time before my W cheated her second time. My wife would have reacted by following my lead or not. If not, she would have left me because the consequences of my own intentional behaviors would have made her life so miserable she would have left far sooner than staying and being a cheat.
Five years ago, when my true identity was revealed, I was most unhealthy. If I was healthy at that time, my W today would not be my W. In fact, years before that she would not have been my W. I cannot change the fact I was not healthy then but I have change my own values and behaviors to be one of most healthy. I forgive myself for my past. I just did not know. All I can do today is be the most healthy person I can be. And I also know it is not easy to change. I do know the first step is to make sure you admit and not lie to yourself thinking you we that perfect. I do know it is not good to think no matter what you did or did not do things should have been different no matter. It is the law of nature that caught up to us.. Therefore we must lock that door. It does not mean we sacrifice our own peace and be overly protective.
An to RP thoughts.. They too are most healthy . I know at the time I picked my W, I got what I picked because of who I was. At the time, yes that was the right choice for me. That does not mean I would pick her today. If she was who she was back then today and I am who I am today, NO she would not be my wife. Way too many bad behaviors would have influenced my choice. We both have learned.
I would not make my choice the same. It does not mean I regret my choice. My W can be a beautiful woman and many aspects of her are attractive. We made beautiful child who connect us forever. That is now our connection. It does not mean should she not change, did not change, will not change and be healthy I stay with that. To your point, I forgive my W for her past sins. Because I do, I change my own behaviors to be the most loving man I can be. It was not her choice for me to forgive, it was my choice. Since it was my choice, I take personal responsibility to make sure she gets what she deserves in life. And with the new me I expect, demand, for our relationship to be mutually satisfactory.
What are some of these questions we must answer and have the courage to conflict. What was it about us where we let..
Their needs trump everyone else's needs.
*** The love of gifts
- Why did I not remember an important date to my spouse with some sort of gift?
- Why did I think Valentines day is not an important romantic day for my spouse?
- Why dont I just give gifts that will make my spouse feel good for no good occasion?
- Why did I behavior without grace when a gift was given me?
- Why did I need so many gifts?
- Do those gifts really mean that much they will affect my emotions?
- Why did I stand by and allow my spouse give gifts to others when they had no right because it should have been a mutual gift?
- Why do I accept this kind of love at the expense of others?
- Why do I not love myself with an earned gift?
*** The love of service
- Why did I get lazy when I know what my responsibility is?
- Why did I do my spouses job in the relationship?
- What was it about myself were I wasting family money and time?
- What is it about myself I cannot accept I need to work hard and cannot accept the unfairness?
- Why do I make myself miserable accepting unfairness?
- Why cannot I communicate effectively so understanding about responsibilities are understood and executed?
- Why do I accept mediocrity if I need equality?
- Why do I accept service and give nothing in return?
- Why do I accept service in exchange for my own security sacrificing my own happiness?
Why do I accept this kind of love at the expense of others?
*** The love of Quality time
- What was it about me I did not make the most of the time we had together?
- What was it about me where I made the choice to give my time to others a higher priority?
- What was it I did not make the time?
- Why did I accept my spouse not giving me time?
- What was it about me in fear not to make the change necessary to spend more time with each other?
- Why didnt I see and fight for quality time I needed for myself?
- What was it about me I needed too much time with my spouse?
- What was it about me I feared the time my spouse needed on their own?
- Why did not pay attention to the time my spouse needed on their own?
- Why did not see the dangerous quality time that was not good for the marriage?
- What was it about me where I did not see a bad behavior?
- What was it about me where I
I am going to read Dr. Scott David Haltzman book Honest recommended. Thanks Honest for the recommendation. Reading and understanding these books is one thing, execution is another.
[This message edited by trynhard at 11:15 AM, August 25th (Sunday)]
Your post shows a great deal of healthy boundaries and introspection. But I challenge you to really think about this portion of your long post:
Just because I believed I was that good does not mean I was doing all the right things to be attractive to a point someone not dare cheat, risk losing me. Obviously, my wife felt inside the risk was worth the reward. Something was missing in our relationship.
Does that mean that you should stop trying to improve yourself or your marriage? Absolutely not! Just free yourself from the delusion of control. Let her decide for herself what she wants. Tell her what you expect, but realize that she will do or not do whatever she decides based on her own viewpoints. She owns her decisions and you own yours.
You know that I spent a lot of time trying to teach Daffy how to be a good partner. You counseled me about my loooooooong list of "don't be a jackass." Remember those? What a joke! When I finally figured out that I needed to watch his actions instead of trying to get him to act like he should, it was both heartbreaking and an amazing relief.
Other than the time between Catlover50 and me.. it is no different. I too went through a period of evaluation.. and I posted the heck out of it.. lol.. Should I not do the same in a healthy way?
Here goes
My wifes behavior is not filling a need for me that is most important. Some woman may not get this and be greatly offended. It is defended by many women as part of a physical or mental part of who they are.
This is a behavior of my Ws that begins when I first met my wife. It is going to be something she is going to change if she wants me. I cannot change her behavior, she must change it. It is only her choice, not mine. In almost our whole relationship, we have had for a long time this behavior and she never really has had this behavior toward me. It does not matter to me if she has had this with any other man. It only matters if she has this with me. It does not even matter if today in secret she has this with another man or even another woman!
The behavior is my wife never initiate sex.
This past year and a half, I have put my pain and fear in a good place and focused only on myself which has been controlling my emotions, giving, being most attractive, and being the best man I am capable of doing. All these things I have received very positive reactions from my W. She has greatly enjoyed the new me. I wanted her to enjoy a new me and she is welcome to join me.
I have been very romantic to my wife in ways like never before. She responds as well as any woman capacity and in a way I would expect any woman to respond. She seems very comfortable with the way I treat her. I focus hard in all aspects of languages of love and I can see and I do experience much reciprocity given by her own choice, not mine. She is most good at the giving the love of service, the love of gifts, the love of quality time
Here love of words of affirmation and touch is not what I need. I could accept the levels of those languages but Im now certain I dont want too. See, this is about me, not my W.
My W may not be capable of giving those languages. She might be like my friends DD who is so into herself and what she thinks she needs, she must find love in some other way.
I have come to realize that my focus on giving far exceeds what I get in return in those areas. If I lock the car door and someone breaks the window, I have done all I can. People will still steal for their own gratification and need. People will take and take an not give back. It is part of life. When I come out to my car and find my $450 GPS gone, yes it is misery. True, I locked the door but the device got stolen. If I had left the door unlocked, I can fault myself. Yes, there is a line to be drawn in MCs analogy.
My W understands sex is part of all relationships. Sex brings many emotions and connections. To most men I know, some willing to sacrifice never having his woman initiate, one who does say yes every time. To some men, his woman initiate every time too. I know to the ideal M, both must contribute. It does not mean equally
80/20 or 10/90.. but mutually a yes.
I can romance my W 2-3 times and week most positive results. I can even go for a rumble without a no. It is rarely or ever a NO. It is not that
I appreciate all she does in that way.
Within me, something is missing. It is that affirmation. It is a feeling I have yet to shake even when I make the choice to try and shake it. She should know a man, this man, needs his woman to make sure it is known he is her lion.
Do I think had she never cheated, she could get away with this kind of love? Yes. Has the dynamics of her adultery changed feelings within me? Yes.
The times we communicate she does listen. When I have said what I need, my W will appease me. Appeasing is not what I desire in life. She listens, but my belief is she knows she has a man who has wealth, potential much greater wealth, security, gifts, services, good words and never critical, freedoms, and someone who has it within himself to give her what she reads in those romance novels.. she accepts those, likes them, and in her own language of love gives me things very similar to those her mother give to her father. And I am very grateful and want those things too. She thinks the way she loves is adequate to keep all those blessing I give her.
This is the beginning of a conflict that may end in some temporary discomfort.
I have made the attempt to withhold that love of touch I give her. She will snuggle with me but never start or even invite me to have sex. Signals perhaps I am supposed to read.. but fails in complete execution if I dont take them and run with them. I am not going to accept the secret signals of any woman. The games I play perhaps. Perhaps even a shit test by me.
She might call a date which is very romantic and positive only to end in nothing more than a good night kiss.
Ladies, I have heard the defenses of her behaviors. They no longer apply to me. I have had enough. You also know there are woman who use that power to steal your man.
I have strength within me and strong morality not to fail in my vows. But I am at a place and read enough to know, men like me fall into evil when they have emotions like mine.
A conflict is coming to my W I can only pray she lives up to her own vow to me. I now know that there comes a point in life when you protect yourself. My W must now protect her own happiness. Perhaps what I have been trying to tell all is that when you protect your own happiness and needs the results will be you end in a good place. My W is going to either enjoy my blessing or not.
See, in your own heart, every one of us should want to love our spouses completely to live up to the vow. If one fails to know how, to intentionally not give, to fail in communication, accepts less, your spouses heart will go to someone else. And if they hang around in misery, that means you are the problem because you are not doing those things to meet their needs. Any kind of mis-match is going to be an issue.
And to fill a need can be as simple as initiating sex. How hard is that?
In comparison, How hard is it for me to make the effort to make strong words of affirmation in a public place around others so my W knows my true feelings and state them? How hard is it for me to plan a day in advance to start flirting, start warming my wife up to the point where she then wants me? It is not hard. It comes so natural when we have someone we first meet in relationships. Yet for many reasons.. we fail ourselves by not making sure we keep that up.
How hard is it in your youth to see smoking pot, having sex, not behaving the way those who feed you food, love you with services, good words
Accepting going to jail in exchange for not behaving in a way where your adrenaline takes control of your mind. For whatever reason, others make bad choices. And even if I did choose a drug addict to love, why did I continue to love that mess.
A question I have answered will take much control by me. It is no different than to stop smoking..
Why do I want to make love to a woman who possibly only wants to appease me for my other gifts of love? I dont.
I should only love a woman who wants to love me.
My choice is no different than men here who give there woman a D because that is what they want.
I know my language of love. My W could rarely ever need to give me a gift. I can clean my own mess and others too. I do that. I can also live in a mess to a point. My W does not even need a job.
But for me to stand by and take not being love in my language, like so many years, is just plain stupidity.
There will be people who will advise me to accept what I am being given. Accept the way others love you and sacrifice my W never saying No to my invitation. Yes, that is a good value my wife does not say No. But she fails me by my never getting the invitation.
Some will say, all M get to this point. That may be true
. but some dont. I know this, those that do get to this point have issues. Men need their woman to initiate sex despite some men just burying it deep inside and accepting. Some men just accept it and never say it
but want it. Please, all men who never want their woman to invite them to have sex, please tell me why you dont want that to happen? if you are not impotent? I have yet to discuss this with even a 70 year old.
I am bringing on a conflict that is going to take a few months to execute it properly. It is my thoughts I can lead my wife to a better relationship like I have done is so many other areas. I do believe she is going to get this.
I started a couple months ago. I told her that she could fill a need I have by inviting me to have sex with her. The conversation was fair and she gave me her thoughts. It went into the physical part of being a woman and I am OK with that. Frankly, the thoughts just never pop in her head to have sex with me. I get that because it has been us for over 20 years. What she fails to understand is she must create those thoughts and desires herself. I cannot nor will teach her. I have done my part by expressing what I need. Nell, you have been here..
She made an effort in a couple short days.. Not the kind of invite I expected, but none the less, an effort. I viewed that as a positive first step. I took over and did my thing. But nothing after that. I am in no illusion of what I need.. I dont want or need some porn star.. a woman who just lust.. afterall for a man shes had for 30 years!
So I posed a Retrouvaille question to her to dialogue.. Retrouvaille is a communication tool. I was hoping she would then take the ball and run with it.. but nothing.. her conflict avoidance kicked in. You all know.. most of our spouses in As avoid conflicts.
She can try and hide but it is not going to work. I will ask her does she want to dialogue? If not, She is going to get the following
Honey, we can avoid what I need to discuss or we can come together and try to make a better M. It would not be fair to you if I avoided your needing me to do a chore you often ask, and I expect the same. Now we are going to dialogue, talk about this or not, it is your choice. But let me assure you, if we cannot come to some sort of resolution, you are not going to like what I do.
The pressure I will place on her will ramp up. It will start with words.. It will progress with my stop loving her in some of the ways she so desires
It will end with an ultimatum
a fair mutual rewarding ultimatum
the consequences with be her making the choice not to live up to her vows. I will be at peace with my choice no different than 7years or Nell.
Sounds simple but it will be very hard for me.
[This message edited by trynhard at 12:39 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
I can relate to a lot of what you have shared here. To answer some of your questions, yes the "fog" can envelope both BS and WS. However, what you might be actually going through is the shock and denial stage. I have found that d-day is a lot like a death. You go through the same grief cycles as if someone has died.
I was told about my FWH's affair from the OW, although OW was pretending to be its dead ex-husband. Sent me a letter. OW was angry that FWH finally told it that he didn't even want to be friends with it and that we weren't going to double date with it and its BF. I digress, sorry. Just wanted to let you know I can relate to the vindictive OW scenario.
When I first read the letter, I really kind of didn't believe it. In fact, I kind of laughed. Then I looked at FWH and all his body language was screaming at me. He denied, denied, denied for a couple of hours and then finally agreed to some of it. But, I wasn't even really pissed. A little, but mostly, I just totally shut down that part of me. I know I was sad and devastated, crying A LOT, felt needy and clingy, but the anger would just appear a little and not in a big way.
I didn't find SI until almost 8 months after d-day. I so wish I had found it sooner, it would have explained so much what I would go through. At about 5-6 months out is when the shock started wearing off and the anger started moving in and hitting big time.
My FWH was remorseful, but had a hard time showing it. (He also said he was "emotionally retarded", his words.) He just didn't know what to do. Everything I asked for he pretty much did. The thing was, I didn't really know what I needed. Finding SI was such a turning point in our reconciliation journey. Have you seen the thread in the Wayward forum called "Things Every WS needs to know" ? I printed that off and gave it to FWH. He started doing the things suggested in that thread and it was the very things I needed.
therefore, is my strategy of waiting a bit just stupid? Am I postponing the inevitable? At what point is behavior reflective of what is going on inside?
I don't feel you are postponing the inevitable if your WH is remorseful. What are you two doing and what is WH doing to show you remorse and that behaviour is changing or working on change? Is there NC with OW? Is there transparency?
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:32 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Men need their woman to initiate sex
I would never suggest anyone settle for less than they deserve, tryn'. None of us should settle. We already did that, didn't work so great did it, tribe?
So you might understand.. My hurt is more like you working hard and deserve a promotion in business. Since you work for a Japanese company, you are pass over because some man from Japan gets it.. someone you don't even know can do the job and someone you know cannot communicate.
You like the money you make and the office you have.. you co-works are great.. But yet everything is just not as you expect it should be.
I think I know the future can be different and maybe very rewarding if I take my talents to another company.. I but none the less, I give my 2 weeks notice.
The temporary pain by staying will pass during the process of handling this in short time. I know I am doing the right thing the right way.. It's just they way it is..
I am confident my W will respond positively.. If not, I cannot control that.. she can find some other man to woo her.. I'm done with it.
Heck, I can be single and be happy. I know there is a woman who would be very happy to have a man like me and never risk losing me..
Perhaps my wife won't risk losing me.. Who knows...
maybe she will quack like Nell's X. It is possible she thinks of herself as doing enough.. I am ok with that. Some other man can be satisfied with that. Not me.
[This message edited by trynhard at 1:07 PM, August 25th (Sunday)]
We had been married 30 yrs at the time I found out ( together for 34 yrs).
I gave my life to this man.
I was lucky because I went to IC immediately and I went to a psychiatrist because I knew that I needed meds for anxiety-I was shaking like a leaf for about 3 weeks even after taking the meds!
I outed the affair to everyone! My adult children, my family, my FWH's family and then I started contacting co-workers of his and the MOW as well as his boss ( I had known many of them for over 30 yrs so I felt fairly comfortable talking to them).
I also contacted the MOW's betrayed husband and spoke with him a number of times. I even met up with him one time in person to exchange email evidence.
I needed to know everything about the affair.
I felt so betrayed by this double life going on that the only thing that would give some peace was to find out everything that I could about the OW as well as details about the LTA.
My FWH was immediately extremely remorseful and he went to IC. he also got sober and went to AA (90 meetings in 90 days).
In my case- I truly believe that IC for both of us saved our marriage.
It just happened that his IC was knowledgeable about PTSD and trained in EMDR as well as someone that knew about infidelity and alcoholism.
he helped my FWH understand that my extreme reaction to d-day was due to PTSD-it was extremely traumatic for me.
We were separated for 6 months before I agreed to let him move back home.
After 2 months of the 180 I agreed to go to MC with him. We went to one MC for 3 months and then switched to another for another 3 months.
But, I do believe that the IC was key.
Do you have anything that you need from your WH right now?
Do want details of the affair?
Do you need him to be transparent? to show you his cell phone? give you his email passwords? show his old cell phone bills, credit card bills etc.
If so...now is the time to ask for that.
IMHO there is no way that a couple can reconcile after a LTA by sweeping things under the rug.
The WS wants you to 'get over it' as soon as possible and to forgive and forget.
But, there is a lot of work that has to be done before you get to that point.
Forgiving too soon. Forgiving a remorseless WS is like covering a festering wound with a band aid. The wound will only get worse and end up getting infected.
You need to rip that band aid off no matter how much it hurts and clean everything out.
A new beginning.
And, IMHO that starts with the WS coming clean and giving the whole truth.
You cannot reconcile if you do not know what you are reconciling from.
And if the WS does not show remorse and a willingness to change and work hard to save the marriage-then there is no chance of R.
My wifes behavior is not filling a need for me that is most important. Some woman may not get this and be greatly offended. It is defended by many women as part of a physical or mental part of who they are.
Let me explain... gather 'round, boys and girls... it's Story Time with Nell!
Once upon a time, while Daffy was neck-deep in his A and insulting Nell--telling her that her size-zero stomach, which had stretched to fit his two sons, wasn't flat enough; that her ass wasn't as round as it used to be; and that her lady parts weren't tight enough--on the rare occasions when he wasn't ignoring Nell, that is, he stated that Nell didn't initiate sex enough. Well, Nell was very insulted. Nell mentally listed all Daffy's shortcomings in the sack. Nell told herself that if Daffy was a better lover, then Nell would naturally want to initiate sex with Daffy. It was obvious to Nell as she itemized all of Daffy's faults that Nell was a victim and everything was Daffy's fault.
This made Nell feel better for a couple of weeks. Then Nell got over herself and realized that what Daffy didn't do for Nell wasn't the point. The point, boys and girls, was that Nell had the ability to make a change in herself to give Daffy what he requested of his wife, which he said would make him feel better.
Now, Nell also was told that she was not to plan any initiation; it would only count if Nell desired Daffy spontaneously. So Nell created a rather complicated schedule on her smartphone that reminded her to get herself "in the mood" by fantasizing, having a glass of wine, reading trashy romance novels, etc. so that she would be "spontaneously" desirous of Daffy. She held herself to that schedule even when Daffy would reject her more than 50% of the time. It was more than a little embarrassing and not normal or comfortable for Nell, and it was time that Nell could have used to do many other things, but Nell stuck to it because it was what Daffy said he needed from Nell, and Nell knew that she needed to do that for her husband.
The end.
Really, it's that simple. If your wife wants to given you what you ask, she can. If she doesn't do it, it's because she has made a decision that she is not going to do it. It's really not any different than ats cleaning overhead lights that he doesn't particularly care about because Mrs. ats sees that type of action as proof of love... sex just a more socially charged issue, so it's harder for a person to bring up and easier for his/her partner to dismiss. YMMV.
D-day was an eye opener for me as well as for my FWH.
IMHO after d-day everything changes! the rules change.


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First impression on unpacking the Q702 test unit was the solid feel and clean, minimalist styling.
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First impression on unpacking the Q702 test unit was the solid feel and clean, minimalist styling.
For work use, Microsoft Word and Excel programs pre-installed on the device are adequate for preparing short documents.
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Sports Bingo
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Low Deck with Seating (Before and Afters)
This courtyard was previously a mix of volcanic rock surrounding a small sidewalk. It was virtually unusable. I removed the sidewalk and rock, and placed a low deck and side seating in the courtyard. I used RYOBI 18V drills (impact and standard drill as pictured) for the entire finish out of the deck supports and decking. The most difficult portion was debris removal and setting in concrete of 18 support 4 x 4 posts, adding the decking was a snap with the Ryobi impact for utilizing 3" decking screws. My 4-year-old son assisted in the final touches with the decking (as pictured).
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ImageVis3D is a volume rendering application specifically designed to render large data sets. This is achieved by splitting the data set into multiple levels of detail (LoD), with each level itself decomposed into multiple bricks (atomic rendering primitives). Interaction occurs at the coarsest LoD, which can be rendered instantaneously on almost all modern systems. After a configurable delay, ImageVis3D will successively render finer levels of detail, until the data are visible at their native resolution. Volume rendering, as the name implies, is a technique for rendering scalar volumes of data. The rendering method allows one to see "inside" a data set, allowing the user to understand the inner three-dimensional structure of the data.
GoFigure2 is a cross-platform application for visualization, processing, and analysis of out-of-core multidimensional microscopy data (5D data sets). Users can visualize images, segment cells in 3d, track cells through time, and detect cell divisions to generate lineages. Results are stored in a MySQL database back-end. Once data has been processed, cell-based object features are quantified and can be used for sorting, color-coding, analysis, or exported to external tools. GoFigure2 was developed for biology research including studying the development of embryos (zebrafish and mouse), synthetic biology (signaling), and for drug screening.
SecureCam is a video surveillance system with a nice GUI. It supports multiple camera and video file inputs. It detects motion in input video using fast algorithms. Alarm notification is provided by email, alarm sound, and video recording. Currently, only a Windows installer is provided, but the source can be compiled on Linux.
GPlates offers a novel combination of interactive plate-tectonic reconstructions, geographic information system (GIS) functionality, and raster data visualization. GPlates enables both the visualization and the manipulation of plate-tectonic reconstructions and associated geological, geophysical, and paleo-geographic data through geological time.
Bitcoin is a peer-to-peer electronic cash system that is completely decentralized, without the need for a central server or trusted parties. Users hold the crypto keys to their own money and transact directly with each other, with the help of a P2P network to check for double-spending.
QSapecNG (Symbolic Analysis Program for Electric Circuits (New Generation)) is a Qt-based program for symbolic analysis of linear analog circuits. It consists of two independent parts, the SapecNG framework engine and the QSapecNG GUI. It was based on SapWin. Users can draw, solve, analyse, and manage analog circuits.
4K Video Downloader is a video and audio downloader for YouTube, Vimeo, Facebook, Dailymotion, Metacafe, and other video-sharing services. It features video quality up to 4k resolution, FLV, MP4, and MKV support, extraction of audio to the MP3 format, and a "Smart Mode" for fast downloads.
A generic library of universal Clifford algebra templates.
A software package that can help you run your railroad.


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St Mary Magdalene
Except for the mother of Jesus, few women are more honored in the Bible than Mary Magdalene. Yet she could well be the patron of the slandered, since there has been a persistent legend in the Church that she is the unnamed sinful woman who anointed the feet of Jesus in Luke 7:36-50.
Most Scripture scholars today point out that there is no scriptural basis for confusing the two women. Mary Magdalene, that is, of Magdala, was the one from whom Christ cast out seven demons (Luke 8:2)an indication, at the worst, of extreme demonic possession or, possibly, severe illness.
Father W.J. Harrington, O.P., writing in the New Catholic Commentary, says that seven demons does not mean that Mary had lived an immoral lifea conclusion reached only by means of a mistaken identification with the anonymous woman of Luke 7:36. Father Edward Mally, S.J., writing in the Jerome Biblical Commentary, agrees that she is not...the same as the sinner of Luke 7:37, despite the later Western romantic tradition about her.
Mary Magdalene was one of the many who were assisting them [Jesus and the Twelve] out of their means. She was one of those who stood by the cross of Jesus with his mother. And, of all the official witnesses that might have been chosen for the first awareness of the Resurrection, she was the one to whom that privilege was given. She is known as the "Apostle to the Apostles."
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Welcome from down in the swamp. You going to have to think about what you are going to use the gun for. Guns are made to serve many purposes. That's why most of us have a varirty of guns. Ask questions will help a lot too. Good luck.
Hello all. I'm new here and this is my first post on the forum. Glad to be here to try and learn as much as I can from all of you here. I just have a question on the purchase of my first handgun. I'm trying to shoot as many different guns as I can to get a feel for which I like more and which I seem to do better with. I'm starting to form some opinions based on what I've shot so far, which isn't much. I've so far only shot about 350-400 rounds through 4 different 9mm handguns. I will continue to shoot more models and also calibers before I make my final decision. I just wanted to know if anyone had any suggestions as what to look for in a good first gun or any gun for that matter and any tips or info that might be helpful in buying the gun. Of course price will affect my decision as will NY state laws once I find out exactly what they are. In the end I would like to end up with the best possible gun for my money that I will be able to enjoy andf also shoot relatively well. All help is appreciated.
Welcome from down in the swamp. You going to have to think about what you are going to use the gun for. Guns are made to serve many purposes. That's why most of us have a varirty of guns. Ask questions will help a lot too. Good luck.
This is gonna be just a target pistol/home protection(I live in a very safe area, but who knows?). Getting a concealed carry in Westchester, NY is harder than winning the lotto. With that in mind I'm looking at full sized guns, not compacts. Most likely it will be a 9mm, .40, or .45acp. Also out of the guns I've looked at the most expensive model I have considered thus far is a little less than $700. I originally was leaning towards a revolver just because I heard so much about the jamming of the semi auto pistols, but everyone seems to say that with regular maintenance and use of good ammo that is pretty much a non-issue. With that said I'm no longer really considering revolvers. Mostly I just want a good reliable gun that i can enjoy shooting as much as possible and also be as accurate as possible with.
Don't think too much about caliber, or what is the IN thing. Study up, try lots of different guns and buy what YOU want not what someone pressures you to buy. That being said,I think 9mm is always a good way to go, but others are just as good. I have always been partial to the Ruger p89 as a first handgun. Accurate, soft shooting, very reliable, and not too expensive. Ruger has always been the poor mans good gun.
Well there is a bunch out there and if your going to go $700 for one you should be able to get a good one. All I can say right now is stay away from the small compact and air weight guns. Get something with at lease a 4" barrel but 5" would be better. Shoot as many different ones as you can. Then it's a personal choice to which one you get. Good luck.
I will definitely not be going for a compact gun. I'm also not really pressured by what others say although I do want suggestions of course. I may be leaning towards a 9mm now mostly because of ammo price. Also because all of the guns I've shot so far have been 9mm and I've enjoed all but one of them. I do like the Glock 19 I shot very much as well as the Sig which seemed even better. I also shot a Beretta and a Ruger which I liked, but not quite as much as the Glock and Sig. The only gun I really didn't enjoy was the Smith & Wesson I shot and that surprised me, but I also gave it the benefit of the doubt being as how it was a rental gun that probably didnt see much care and just gets tossed around from shooter to shooter. I would probably go Sig right now if they weren't so expensive, but price is a factor for me. That said I am looking 4 Glocks, the 34, the 17, the 22 and the 21. I have looked at the XD line by Springfield Armory and the Kimber Custom II .45. I am also still looking and have by no means made a choice. I very much like the 1911 style pistols, but again price is a factor as most of these are pretty high priced. As it is making the decision is pretty fun cause it means more shooting to see what I like, but I really do want to have my own handgun soon.
i use to want a glock untill i shoot one and then i decided that i liked the XD better
Ergonimics: I'd make sure it feels comfortable in my hand(s). While shooting it of couse.
Reliability: Find out what your local police/sheriffs use. If they approve of it, so would I.
Price: Once you've covered the feel and popularity or reliability of a specific handgun then search around for the best price.
My results from above: Lead me to get a Glock model 35. Ergo-felt comfortable and secure in my hands. Add a Hogue grip +1; I'm in heaven. SWAT have been issued with the G35 and most cops use the .40S&W caliber. Lastly saved $100+ less ordering it online, compared to buying locally. I'm very happy with it.
Just know that simply buying your first gun infects you with the incurable desire to buy more. Your reasoning for looking at 9mm's is sound logic. I agree with the ergonomics/reliability/price method. Also, don't forget the all-important "cool factor" - make sure you love the gun. I think all except reliability is easy enough to determine for oneself. If you find one or more that you like, scour the internet and ask the knowledgeable folk of HGF about their reliability. You cover those bases, and you'll find a good un.
First and foremost make sure you are comfortable with the gun. It should feel natural in you hand not awkward. For home defense I do not recommend the 9mm. This is just my opinion (opinions are like butt holes everyone has one) but the 9mm is a weak round. It can not penetrate a moving tire or the windshield of a car in my experience. It does have a lot of rounds but they are weak. I recommend the .40 S&W round, it is strong round, not as strong as a .45 ACP but less kick as well. If you do want to carry a lot of rounds I have for example a Beretta PX4 .40 that holds 18 rounds (17 in the mag and one in the hole). With that many rounds I don't even carry an extra mag. The ammo here in NC cost me anywhere between $12-$14.00 for a 50 round box with brass casing.
Last edited by FallGuy; 03-20-2007 at 11:46 AM.
I'm not sure what your budget is, but in my opinion the S&W SW9VE is a very good gun for defense, recreation and budget. A friend of mine has over 3000 rounds without one failure. Very comfortable, however comfort is different for everyone. See if your local range rents this out.
$269-$30 rebate = $239
Here's a link to Bud's Gun Shop, but you can pretty much find the same price everywhere.
Smith & Wesson SW9VE
Good Luck!
My biggest reason for looking towards the 9mm is price of ammo. I would like to do a lot of shooting and with the difference in price between 9mm ammo and .45 ammo I would certainly do more shooting with a 9mm. Also I understand that a .45 has more stopping power than a 9mm, but personally I would imagine if I got shot with either, especially if it were multiple rounds, I would stop. I know thats a kinda amateur way to look at it, but even with some tests they've done with ballistics some of the smaller calibers do very well in terms of their stopping power. It's not always the larger the bullet the better it is although that does seem to work most of the time. My point being I wouldnt feel like I'm really that underpowered with a 9mm, especially if it means that I've been able to practice a lot more with it and if necessary theres a better chance that I would be able to hit my target with it. Plus if everything goes well down the line I'll save up to get myself a nice .45 later on down the road.
My first time around with a S&W I didnt like it, but I mentioned before that it may have been do to the fact that it was a rental gun that Im sure was abused and not maintained. I'm also not really looking at .40 caliber anymore due to the fact that I keep hearing how its a good round, BUT its a very high pressure round and seems to have more issues with it than other calibers seem to. I may be seeing this as a bigger thing than it is, but it does keep coming up whenever anyone talks about it so I figure there has to be something to that. My ideal solution as far as I can tell now is getting a nice 9mm now and then a .45 later on once I know more about proper shooting and what I like in a gun more. This will also give me more time to research the .45's better.
I'm in the same boat as you. You might want to add these to your consideration:
Walther P99
S&W M&P (I'm not sure if you shot the M&P)
im no expert on guns. but you might consider which guns hold there value
after u leave the gun shop... the first consideration for me would be what seems to fit my hand and the one im most effective with ..
my first gun was a .40 springfield armory XD. i found it easy to use and very accurate. my second gun was also an XD, 9mm. have you shot an XD yet? i'd look into it if i were you.
I'm not really worried about which guns hold value as I'm not worried about getting rid of them later. They will stay with me a long as they last. I have actually shot an XD45 and the XD9 is what I'm thinking about getting for my first gun. I would get the .45, but 9mm ammo is just so much cheaper.
I have the XD-45 Service and it's really good shooting problem free handgun. Now if you want to spend somewhat more the H&KUSPCompacts in 9mm .40sw or .45acp are all good to go.
If you haven't tried the M&P9 yet, I recomend that you do. It and a few other newer plastic guns have different size grips available. The grip is very important. I have an XD40, had an XD9 and now have an M&P9. The M&P ifits me better.
I'm limited in what I can try to what the range I go to has. The only S&W they had was not one of the polymer M&Ps and I didn't much care for it. It seems most of my first choices for a gun are of the polymer type. I do see myself getting a 1911 .45 in the hopefully near future though. Probably a Kimber. I do have a wide variety of likes in brands of gun if not styles, but being so limited in what I can try I'll never really get to know which really work best for me. I've only got 1 range within an hour from me where I can try different guns. In my county unless you have a gun license you cant even shoot a gun. I do like the XD line, I liked the Glocks I shot, I am very interested in the Walther P99 and the M&Ps seem like something I would like as well. I find it hard considering a gun to buy without shooting it though which is why the Walther and probably M&P are out and the XD is in. I dont feel bad though because I did really like the gun when I shot it. I just like to give myself as many choices as possible. Being here helps too as I can get good advice from a bunch of people who know more about this than myself. Thanks.
I'm close to making my first purchase too (the two I own were acquired through transfers), and the best advice I've read by several members is to hold out for the one you want most - that is, if you have a favorite that might be out of your present price range.
That's the case with me. The Sig 229 is what I want, and even though I'll have to wait another month or more, it will be a purchase I know I won't regret.
I went to my local range and placed my order yesterday for a Springfiled Armory XD9 with 5" barrel. I won't be able to bring it home for about 6 months due to local laws, but at least the range will let me shoot it while I'm there which most ranges won't do. I can't wait to finally start getting some actual practice with my own gun. I'm hoping this will begin to make my shooting better as I can really start trying to be more consistent with what I do and with the gun I use. I'll let you know how things go once I get my hands on it.


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Houston >Food & Dining > Los Cucos Mexican Cafe No 2
22390 Tomball Pkwy, Houston, TX | Directions 7707029.999190 -95.581454
I too got food poisoning after eating the chicken. I got the chicken fajita plate on a Friday night. Woke up to SEVERE stomach cramping the next day. The worst I can remember ever having. After trying to manage the pain, I made a doctor visit a week later. I was diagnosed with an intestinal parasite. On top of that, the results of the stomach cramping caused my stomach to be repopulated with "the bad" bacteria. So now I have to restart my system by going heavy on consuming things with probiotics and exercising more than usual. Not to mention two other things, such as a hernia and something I would not like to mention here on this board, that I have to recover from thanks to the food poisoning. I sent a complaint to them, but have not heard back. A simple apology would have been nice. But I guess I'll just have to express my displeasure here. Thanks for everything, Los Cucos.
HAD FOOD POISIONING FOR SIX MONTHS – I had stomach problems for six months after eating here. The food was horrible and the service wasn't any better. Went to the doctors several times after my hubby and I ate chicken. I had heartburn which I had never had before and after getting over my illness I no longer have again. Evertime I drive pass I feel sorry for the patrons. Please do not eat here you will wish you hadn't.
FAMILY FRIENDLY – Los Cucos dosnt only have great food, but a great aroma. If you have kids los cucos is the place for you because it has a really delicious kids menu. And it makes the best flan in houston.
yes i can enjoy the alcoholic beverages – i was actually happy when i tuned 21. i can enjoy bear!!!!!!!!!!! it was my twentyfirst birthday. and my brother richard invited me to go to los cucos to get some great margaritas because he said he had read a really good reviews about los cucos. so we went and he ordered me a michelada. dat michelada has to be the best beverage ive ever had. i will come every fridays for this michelada at los cucos
great for parties!!!!! – i hosted a party in los cucos about two weeks ago for 50. it was a fajita party with drinks. i ended up paying only 120 dollars . dats only 2 dollars and 40 cents pear each person. the food is very affordable and is also very very good. wich flavor is all that matters!!!!!!!
best tequilas in texas – i really like the tequilas i just sit in the bar and chill. i usually take like 4 shots, and i enjoy em.
DELICIOUS – today i was feeling very sad because i my girlfriend and i broke up with each other. my parents had already invited me to los cucos , i couldnt let them down. so i stood up and went with a sad smile, i was about to cry. i sat down and i just relaxed. so like in about a minute we placed an order. i ordered dessert bto take the pain away. i ordered fryed ice cream . i dunno but the ice cream actually made me feal a little better. by the end of the after noon i left this place with a true big smile on my face.=D
feals like mexico but in houston – I THINK THIS RESTAURANT IS DELICIOUS. I LIKE THE FRESH AVOCADO WITH CHIPS. THE SERVICE IS GREAT AND THE FOOD IS AWESOME
GREAT FOR MI FAMILIA Y AMIGOS !!!!!!!!!!!! – the service is pretty good, i dont have a problem with it. i love the home made tortillas with fajita. and a really salty margarita. i also like the chips and salsa
i love it!!! – everytime i passed through this restaurant i saw it full at mornings and nights. I figured it must be good so i gaved it a try. i went on a tuesday afternoon and the service was excellent. i sat down and ordered some tacos nemed something like sergio tacos with a nice cold cola. i sat down and enjoyed it like if it was the end of the world. i fell in love with the food in this restaurant. now it has been my favorite restaurant.
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Parents get back to basics
Another school year has begun in Bethel Park. Teachers are teaching and children are embarking on their next adventure in learning. As with each new year over the past three, there was the uneasy feeling that a teachers'�strike was looming on the horizon. Thankfully, that did not happen. Since moving to Bethel Park in 2009, I have enjoyed getting to know our community and school district—students, parents, teachers and administrators. I admire each of these groups very much because they all have difficult jobs, particularly parents. But of course, I'm biased. I have five children in four Bethel Park schools.
I've always had the educational philosophy that I will do my job (instill in my children a love for learning and a love for God, themselves and others) and I will leave public education to do its job (teach my children the skills they need to be productive in the work/career they choose to pursue). What I see happening the more involved I get in my children's education is our schools are taking on more and more of my parental responsibilities. School districts are feeling forced to take on character education and anti-bullying programs which cost our communities money (for the programs themselves and the staff to teach them). The reasoning is, if we don't address these issues, who will?� We parents are dropping the ball, and our schools are picking it up. Is it any wonder that our teachers feel deserving of a pay increase? They are doing my job and theirs, and it's not by choice.
I want to encourage parents to take the ball back, myself included. It's too easy to throw it to our schools. We need to be the ones who teach our children to be kind and caring, helpful and sharing, to love learning and to be respectful, to �love our neighbors as we love ourselves. And let's extend our reach to those kids whose parents simply cannot take the ball because of overwhelming circumstances. Be a mentor, an encourager, a cheerleader for someone else's children who may desperately need to be mentored, encouraged and cheered on to be great people. Imagine what our community would look like if we did a better job of parenting (which is the hardest and most important occupation in the world), and our schools could get back to doing only their job. Maybe, just maybe the only uneasy feelings at the beginning of a new school year would be the �first-day jitters� in our kids as they wonder who they'll sit with at lunch!
Gail Hoppe
Bethel Park
Parents get back to basics
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