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September 30, 2014
11:03 pm
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Lisa Mason in the Morning
LMN 9-30-14 Can't have a crisis without the ISIS
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 30 2014 9:04AM
The head of the Secret Service is getting grilled by a House committee because it turns out the White House fence-jumper WASN'T tackled right inside the front door as claimed, Omar Gonzalez instead made it all the way through the East Room. I don't think "transparency" means what this administration thinks it means. Making matters worse for the Secret Service who allowed him to roam free, Gonzales also ate Malia's porridge after tasting Michelle and Barak's, broke Sasha's chair, and was then found sleeping in her bed. His only comment was it was "just right."
By the way, an hour ago on my show I had to report that ISIS forces were an hour away from Bagdad and fighting was heavy. Given that several of my friends and many of my Eagle listeners served in Iraq, I figured you'd like to know anyone left in Bagdad will soon have to set their clocks back 9 centuries.
Meanwhile, the British House of Commons has voted overwhelmingly to join airstrikes against ISIS in Iraq, but NOT in Syria. I guess the Brits are against arming rebels. That didn't work out too well for them in 1776, and apparently they're still bitter.
Referees flagged Chiefs safety Husain Abdullah for a celebration penalty after he bowed in prayer in the endzone. HE got 15 yards. Wow, it's not like he hit his 72 virgins or anything.
A new report says that one in four Americans between 25 and 54 are not working. And that's just among those with jobs!
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1452, the very first book was published: the Bible. Not one of the authors was present for the release party, which is rather rude. It probably would have sold a lot more copies if the majority of the population back then knew how to read.
On this date in 1846, ether was first used during an operation. After the doctor kept falling asleep, they decided to try it on the patient next time.
Fall is here, and that means new fall fashions! Martha Stewart has come out with a line of Kevlar scarves to protect against those nasty beheadings.
Do we have Super Value or Albertsons here? They are the latest to get hit by hackers and some customer data may have been breached. This is getting ridiculous; just go ahead and change your password to your social security number to make it easier on those poor overworked hackers. They're gonna find it anyway.
And … Scientists in Rochester, New York have unveiled an actual "invisibility cloak!" Unfortunately, now they can't find it. BUT-- Chinese scientists say they've ALREADY developed a working invisibility cloak, claiming they're able to make a cat disappear. I bet it happens in a Chinese restaurant. A prototype of the invisibility cloak is pictured at the top of this blog entry.
Filed Under :
Location :
New York
People :
Husain Abdullah
Martha Stewart
Omar Gonzalez
LMN 9-29-14 Everything is better?
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 29 2014 8:04AM
President Obama says the world is better off NOW than when he came into office. Whaaaat? We've got Ebola killing everyone overseas, ISIS on the rise AND whomever is in charge of refilling the toilet paper holders in the ladies room here at work put the roll in with the paper flap FACING THE WRONG WAY. It's not on the OUTSIDE of the roll, as it should be. "World's better off," pfffft! I spent five minutes having to flip the rolls so the paper hangs in the front.
Some Syrian parents claim their children were forced to attend an ISIS training camp. Apparently, at ISIS Summer Camp, kids are groomed for terrorism by using rocks as grenades, tree branches as rifles and dolls for beheading practice. If captured, the camp counselors could be charged with child abuse, terrorism and impersonating MacGyver.
The lunatic who beheaded a former coworker and stabbed another at an Oklahoma food processing plant will be charged today. A spokesman for an Oklahoma Islamic group says 30 year old Alton Nolan (with his lengthy criminal record) was always "a little odd" at mosque. The guy goes on to say the mosque Nolan attended "regularly held sermons preaching against violent acts and beheadings." That's all well and good but if you HAVE to "regularly" preach against people cutting off other people's heads ... maybe something is amiss. "Hey Amahl, what's the sermon on today?" "Beheadings again." "Oh good. I was starting to slip a bit. Can't get enough of those anti-beheading sermons." Meanwhile Nolen's mother maintains, "there are two sides to every story." She's right; there's the side where you stab two women and cut off one's head, and then there's the side where you don't.
And a few things you need to know ...
On this date in 1829, the famous Scotland Yard was created. Weird that they use "Yard" when they're on the metric system. It SHOULD be "Scotland .9144."
A study says that 10% of U.S. adults are not proficient in English. The other 90% weren't exactly sure what "proficient" meant.
Am I wrong to hope for an asteroid strike? A new Bill and Ted movie is in the works. What's this one going to be? "Bill and Ted's Excellent Retirement Plan?"
The NFL last week introduced a thing which brings to your TV screen instant-data from tracking devices worn by every player. If we can just get the players to wear those tracking devices while they're NOT playing, America can defeat crime as we know it.
Scientists say they have discovered water on a planet 124 light years from Earth. There may not be life, but there's going to be a Starbucks!
And today … is Goose Day. I thought a coworker made that up but Google says it's another name for Michaelmas, a day honoring all the angels. Wow, you'd think that would be good for at least a half-day off. Legend has it if you eat goose today, then you'll have good financial fortune all year. Darnit, I was already planning on eating crow for lunch. Again.
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Alton Nolan
LMN 9-26-14 Oh fun. Ebola Zombies really DO exist.
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 26 2014 8:17AM
The US Attorney General is resigning. You got to know Eric Holder, he's quite a folder. He knows when to walk away, but not when to run. He never counts his weapons, when they're slipping 'cross the border ... there's time enough for counting, when the scandal's done.
16 groups are calling for the head of the Food and Drug Administration to step down over her failure to stop an epidemic of prescription painkiller abuse. Because it's totally up to a government agency to keep people from addiction (eye roll).The FDA says they DID require stronger warning labels on drugs like OxyContin and Vicodin, because nothing stops people who want to get high like a label telling them how powerful the drug is.
After a week of threatening rumors and panic, University of Alabama campus cops last night stopped an individual – who was wearing a Halloween mask. After interviewing the person they determined it was just a dude wearing a mask. They're going to lose their minds once October hits and everyone has a costume. If the rumors and fear keep up it's going to ruin all the fun and everyone will be forced to dress as boring things. Forget what I was GOING to do; I'll go as Google because I've done little more than answer stupid questions all morning.
The new Iraqi Prime Minister warns of an "imminent" terror attack against our subways. NOOOOO my Meatball Marinara must be saved! The threat could come in the form of shoe bombs, because ISIS just signed a big endorsement deal with NIKE.
And a few things you need to know …
Johnny Appleseed was born on this date in 1774. Johnny, of course, gained his fame by traveling all over and scattering his seed. He was sort of the Russell Brand of his time.
On this date in 1777, the British occupied Philadelphia. The Eagles later beat the Old England Patriots in a close one, 21-20.
New York City Mayor Bill "Jerk" de Blasio dropped groundhog Staten Island Chuck this past Groundhog Day and within a week, the animal died of internal injuries. He had ONE JOB, "hold this groundhog." The zoo covered-up the poor animal's death for seven months! Ladies and gentlemen: welcome to the Groundhazi scandal!
A San Diego philanthropist wants to buy a local newspaper and run it as a nonprofit business. I thought all newspapers were non-profits these days?
A new study by Sussex University says that multi-tasking makes your brain smaller. This is why you shouldn't salute while holding a latte.
And a few things you NEED to know about Ebola …
They're really stepping into hazardous waste waters here, the CDC says the Ebola vaccine "only works on white people." The trial drug must be comprised of pumpkin spice lattes and Ed Hardy shirts.* Meanwhile, Nigeria says they have their own Ebola cure. I get the feeling it involves an AK-47 round to the back of the head. But … the most shocking Ebola news comes from Liberia where the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE IS UNDERWAY. Two Ebola victims in the region miraculously "resurrected" as they were being taken for burial. Is it possible they were only "mostly dead?" Inconceivable! One of the women was pronounced dead in the ironically-named Hope Village Community. Her body was left indoors, awaiting burial, for two days with neither food nor medicine. Villagers believe these miracle cases could lead to an effective vaccine breakthrough, as the women could have some sort of immunity! Nah, I'm kidding. They think witchcraft and ghosts are involved and the women will be killed. In the meantime, the truth is out there! The Zed Uprising begins! If you need me, I'll be in my bunker welding the door shut.
*I had to Google "what do white people like" to get this.
Filed Under :
Location :
New York City
People :
Eric Holder
LMN 9-25-14 Introducing the Fantasy Terrorist League!
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 25 2014 8:24AM
President Obama says there's a little-known terrorist group we need to hate and kill called the Khorasan Group. They operate out of Eastern Narnia and the reason we never heard of them before is that as long as they're riding their unicorns, they're invisible. Hey, if we can invent reasons to go to war, we can make up fake terror groups. Hang on, we could be on to something here: the "Fantasy Terror League!" Whoever's players get carpet-bombed first wins. Who are your drafts? My first round "FTL" picks are Al Shabaab, Lashkar-e-Taiba, the DMV and the bonehead at Fairway Mortgage who arbitrarily sent my personal/financial information to Diamond Studios.
A lot of people can't fully grasp how the US is allowed to bomb a select group inside a sovereign nation, worried that Syria could turn around and do the same to one of our extremist groups, like the Westboro Baptist Church. Oh. Hang on … maybe that's not a bad thing.
The Michael Brown memorial in Ferguson, Missouri burned yesterday. Citizens reacted with quiet dignity and grace. Meh, I'm lying. They took it as an excuse to throw rocks at cops.
Mama June and Sugar Bear from "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" are splitting up. Who could have seen that one coming outside of the show's writers? Mama June caught Sugar Bear cheating online, and that was it. Hey ladies! Sugar Bear is back on the market! As long as these goofs are not part of that celebrity nude photo scandal, it's cool.
The new electric car, the Tesla Model S, remembers pothole locations and swerves to avoid them. No word on if it will then avoid the driver into whom you just swerved.
And a few things you need to know …
In 1513, Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. When you discover anything that big, is it really a thing? It's not like the next guy walking by wouldn't have seen it.
The Washington, D.C., City Council voted this week to legalize the carrying of concealed handguns in the nation's capital. Congressional gridlock is about to get a lot more interesting!
Huntsville schools are half-heartedly admitting that there is a secret program to monitor students' social media activity. Why do you need a secret program for that? Just go online and look! And what of the kids WITHOUT Facebook or Twitter? They could be getting away with murder and NOT posting about it!
And … First came "U2album-gate," then the IOS 8 update was pulled, now many new iPhone 6 owners are unhappy that their data plans are not as flexible as their phones.
Filed Under :
Location :
Washington, D.c.
People :
Al Shabaab
LMN 9-24-14 Nothing to read today.
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 24 2014 7:33AM
Wait. Someone really checks this site? You don't just follow the link I cross-post on Facebook, but instead came here on your own? WOW! Thank you so much! It's always so humbling when someone tells me they take the time to bother to read my news. I've got a lot going on in studio so I'm not posting today. Why, you ask, am I posting about the fact I'm not posting? Because Mom and Da and my friend Der check this site. If I don't post they assume I got in trouble for something and have been pulled from the Internet. I can't imagine what one would have to do to get pulled from the Internet ... but it's probably unseemly.
Filed Under :
Topics :
Human Interest
Social :
Human Interest
People :
LMN 9-23-14 Happy Birthday Da!
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 23 2014 8:10AM
Time to get out and hit those "After-Equinox" sales! I can't wait to watch all of the beautiful fall foliage on Instagram. My dog can't wait for all those piles of leaves … to poop in. Would it be weird if I carved a pumpkin now? C'mon, just a LITTLE pumpkin. Just lemme carve PART of a pumpkin, please? I gotta carve a pumpkin I'll give you a dollar! Oh. Apologies! My pumpkin-carving obsession/addiction kicks in when the temperature falls below 70 degrees.
The US is now involved in that war you heard about in between cat videos. ISIS in Syria is getting as bombed as a frat party at the Florabama and the State Department warns that all war correspondents should beheading home immediately. An historic alliance is involved: 5 Sunni-majority nations have joined with the US to launch airstrikes. OK, there's something to be said for such alliances but we're the odd man out here. It's like the time at Samford I was put on an Astronomy Lab Group with 5 football players. We didn't exactly see eye-to-eye on everything.*
Now that it's been proven that a man CAN jump over the White House fence, the Secret Service admits they expect big problems keeping President Obama inside. You know what the President said to that last guy who walked right in the front door? "Got any cigarettes? Shhhh! Michelle is watching!" The latest guy to jump the fence had a machete, 2-hatchets and 800-rounds of ammo in his car. Pretty much what most Americans carry while picking up an order at Chick-fil-A.
IKEA has opened the world's largest sawmill in Poland. Now we know what Warsaw saws, if Warsaw would saw wood.
This week is National Dog Week! You'd look GREAT with a dog, so hit your local shelter and adopt a new best friend. I wish I enjoyed a single thing as much as my dog enjoys EVERYTHING. You should try it.
And … today is my Dad's birthday! Happy birthday and many more to the man who helped me grow into the type of person he's not entirely embarrassed to admit he and Mom raised. If you're curious, Da (also known as Bob the Rocket Scientist) is a Virgo! Virgos are known as reliable, orderly and are often obsessed with making nitpicky lists that they will show to you three times a day. You know how many Virgos it takes to change a lightbulb? 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth. In other words, if you want to get stuff done, call a Virgo. Have a great birthday, Da, and thanks for not selling me to gypsies when I was born. Love, Bug.
*Read: "ANYTHING."
Filed Under :
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Human Interest
Social :
Human Interest
Location :
People :
LMN 9-22-14 Merry Equinox Eve!
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 22 2014 9:04AM
The Autumnal Equinox is tomorrow, do you open your Maybon stockings tonight or wait till the morning? It's more than just an occasion to Google pretty photos of Stonehenge, it's the official end of summer… even though we already knew fall was here because all of the Christmas junk is out at Costco, people have already OD'd on Pumpkin Spice and weak summer TV shows are being replaced by weak fall TV shows. Then of course there's FOOTBALL!
ISIS has created a video game hoping to entice more children into their ranks. Wait – they are in the middle of a desert with video game developers while I didn't even have Wi-Fi at work till 8:47am? This is an outrage.
A Home Depot security breach has put 56 Million payment cards at risk. When asked how the bad guys got in, a Home Depot spokesperson said, "They could just do it. We couldn't help."
And a few things you need to know…
On this fateful day in 1996, the Macarena was the number one song in the US… proving that we'd failed as the Human Race.
In 1792, the French Republic was proclaimed. In an amazing coincidence, the Proclaimers released their new album, "French Republic." (Is it me or do the Proclaimers just keep popping up)?
A study says that cities with super-fast Internet speeds are more productive. And we'd be even MORE productive if we weren't checking Facebook all the time.
And… A jury has convicted the owner of a peanut butter plant and two others in the salmonella outbreak that prompted one of the largest U.S. food recalls ever. I guess it's true. Choosy mothers choose guilty!
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People :
Merry Equinox
LMN 9-19-14 FREEEEEEEEDOhwait. Nevermind.
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 19 2014 7:18AM
For independence they won't walk 500 miles and they won't walk 500 more just to be the land who'd not walk a thousand miles 'cause walking's such a chore.*
Scotland votes against independence from the UK, ensuring they won't get off 100% Scott-free. Mel Gibson must be turning over in his grave! I'm not surprised Scotland wanted to break up with the U.K., I heard Scotland was already seeing other countries. Don't get too wrapped up with Scotland voting to stay in the UK; Shelia Smoot will claim voter fraud and drag this whole thing out in the courts.
Australian police conducted pre-dawn raids to break up an ISIS plot to grab somebody, ANYBODY and publicly behead them. When the raid started, ISIS members started trying to flush evidence down the toilet counter-clockwise.
A Michigan man has been sentenced for throwing a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into a prison yard. Now where would this guy have gotten the idea to combine crime with football? Hey! We made it through the night without a football player doing anything violent. Didn't we?
A Florida man shot his daughter and her 6 children before killing himself yesterday. Hey England! I know you're keeping Scotland, but will you take Florida too?
Apple is still getting complaints from people, after they received the new U2 album whether they wanted it or not. Just when you think people might be running out of things to complain about, a free U2 album comes along.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1957 that the U.S. conducted it's first underground nuclear test. It was a bomb.
Adam West, the TV version of "Batman," turns 86. These days, he's wearing Spanx leotards. Oh, you don't get this joke? Then you're either 12. Or a guy.
Warner Brothers is going to let go of 1,000 employees. Most will be laid off, but some will have an anvil dropped on them by a coyote.
Al Pacino will star as Joe Paterno in an upcoming movie about the Penn State sex scandal called, "Happy Valley." Spoiler alert: the Valley isn't very happy.
And … It is finally iDAY! Apple's IPhone 6 and iPhone 6+ arrive in stores today and some idiots have waited in line 15+ hours to get it. I'm the only one in my circle who uses a Samsung Galaxy. Droid users are largely anonymous, because you know who the people who have iPhones are because they TELL you they have an iPhone. The new iPhone looks the same to me, so how am I supposed to know you're better than I am? Either way; I'd trade my Galaxy, tablet/laptop, Blu-ray, car and Google Glass for ONE working lightsaber.
*The Proclaimers are now in your head the rest of the day.
Filed Under :
Location :
People :
Adam West
Al Pacino
Joe Paterno
Mel Gibson
Shelia Smoot
LMN 9-18-14 Stap yer havering, ye Sassenachs!
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 18 2014 8:08AM
The vote is underway in Scotland on whether they're going to break away from the U.K. I didn't even know if it was a part of the University of Kentucky. There are valid arguments for and against their independence, but no one outside of Scotland can understand a word of them.
The House approves Obama's idea of arming Islamists to fight other Islamists. What could possibly go wrong? Meanwhile the threat of attacks by ISIS has grown to the point where Obama may have to send in the NFL.
Australian officials just launched a sweeping counter-terrorism raid after uncovering a plot by ISIS sympathizers to behead a person in public. Good on you, mates! Blaming illegal immigration for the insurgents, Aussie officials estimate there are 60 thousand such illegals in the country … though Aboriginal elders claim the number is closer to 23.13 million.
Microsoft has acquired "Minecraft" maker Mojang for $2.5 Billion. They'll likely divide the stock into 8 bits.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's brother Doug Ford has announced that he'll be running in his brother's place. He's already received the endorsement of hundreds of comedy writers. His campaign slogan? "For those who feel it's time for a change, but not a big one"
I guess I'll have to add a special sports-scandal section for Players Behaving Badly.
Another NFL player is in hot water – this time it's Arizona Cardinals backup running back Jonathan Dwyer. He's been arrested for allegations of domestic abuse. So the sweatshops NIKE uses will probably stop making Dwyer jerseys now? Meanwhile, The Vikings have placed Adrian Peterson on the exempt list, meaning he has to stay away from all team activities, giving him more time to spend with his family. Ironically, they gave him a timeout instead of a spanking.
And then we have THIS idiot: Florida State's Jameis Winston has been suspended for the first half of this week's game against Clemson for jumping on a table and screaming something sexist and obscene. He could be charged with impersonating an NFL player.
This is ridiculous. Just like you don't have to stay with someone who abuses you, you don't have to date a serial jerk like Winston. Honestly, if everyone would just stop dating jerks their species would die out!
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Adrian Peterson
Doug Ford
Jonathan Dwyer
Rob Ford
LMN 9-17-14 Eeeebooooooooolaaaaaaaa!
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 17 2014 8:03AM
President Obama is sending 3000 troops to hardest-hit areas in West Africa in order to have them eventually bring the Ebola virus back to the US.
ISIS responds to threats to "degrade and destroy" them by releasing a Hollywood-quality film trailer filled with slow motion explosions and scenes of their fighters accompanied with dramatic music. The trailer is titled "Flames of War: Fighting Has Just Begun" and closes with a super of the words "coming soon." My Direct TV doesn't work when it rains, yet these guys are making MOVIE TRAILERS?
People are losing their minds because Vikings star Adrian Peterson disciplined his kid with a switch. If he wanted to stay out of trouble why didn't he do what my parents STILL do to discipline me? Make embarrassingly public posts on my Facebook page. Meanwhile, the NFL has created a board of 4 women to help them with women's issues. As soon as they stop referring to them as the "Broad Squad," we can started on those changes.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1796, President Washington gave his farewell speech. It must have been tough, being president and not having a previous administration upon which to blame everything.
On this date in 1964, the TV show "Bewitched" made its debut. It taught what it would be like to be a witch in modern times and that if you replace Darrens and act natural, no one will notice.
Most Americans thought Scotland was already free thanks to Mel Gibson, but Scotland soon votes on whether or not to leave England. Not everyone supports the idea of independence: It's kind of like what happened to Texas A&M when they left the Big 12. England first figured out Scotland wanted to dump them when Scotland stopped following the UK on Twitter and chanced its relationship status to "it's complicated."
I'm finally getting used to this heap that is Windows 8, just in time to upgrade. Some of the features of Windows 9 are starting to leak out. The Blue Screen of Death is now going to be available in other colors. And, for those occasions, there's a built-in swear button.
And …The new U2 album Apple forced upon its users ended up being the gift no one wanted, so they're coming up with an app to get rid of it. Many users say the new album should have been titled SPAM. U2 threatens they'll release one album per day until you buy an iWAtch.
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Location :
West Africa
People :
Adrian Peterson
Mel Gibson
LMN 9-16-14 No content none of the time
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 16 2014 7:13AM
Nothing to see here today. Taking yesterday off put me two days behind and besides, how many more Ebola jokes can be made? Plus all that's going on in DC is that Obama is sending warnings for the brutality to stop … but the NFL players don't seem to be listening.
HERE is some drone footage of Friday's jump.
I STILL haven't let go of the instructor's arm. In fact, it's right here with me in the studio. Remind me next time one of my amazing sales people asks me if I'll do something for a charity, to actually pay attention to the stunt I'll have to do! How about this: "If I raise 1000 for the Humane Society then I'll stay home and have a mimosa on the deck." I think that sounds like a fun stunt to watch. Thanks so much to all who donated to Cystic Fibrosis, you did a beautiful thing and NEXT year I vote that YOU go "Over the Edge with CF!"
Filed Under :
Topics :
Human Interest
Social :
Human Interest
LMN 9-12-14 It's only the Chilly War right now.
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 12 2014 7:37AM
We're supposed to have thunderstorms today yet I'm looking at the bluest sky I've ever seen. There is NO WAY the weather will save me from having to go Over the Edge for Cystic Fibrosis today. I'll be jumping 11 stories at 2pm Downtown today. NO you can't have my stereo, NO you can't have my Louboutins, NO I'm not leaving any of you anything in my will because you and Atrox Factory are so darn generous you raised $1430 for CF which means I have to make the jump. It's being filmed so you'll either get to see the footage OR the coroner will confiscate it. Either way – Thanks!
Richard Gatling was born on this date in 1818. He went down in history for inventing a gun that delivered shots faster than a Gulf Shores bartender during spring break.
Blade Runner Oscar Pistorious was only found guilty of manslaughter in the death of his girlfriend. He must have given an Oscar-worthy defense on the stand. Most people felt he didn't have a le... oh, I'll let you finish that one.
In his address to the nation, President Obama said that Isis "executes captured prisoners. They kill children, enslave, rape, and force women into marriage," and they "threaten a religious minority with genocide." If they he had said "rape" twice, it would have been just like Hedley Lamarr's Legion of Evil from "Blazing Saddles." Wow the news is depressing today.
Making matters worse on the ISIS situation, we're only getting tepid support at best. Obama claims with a new Iraqi government in place, allies abroad and Congress at home, America will lead a broad coalition to wipe out ISIS. So the "coalition" is OUR Congress, a shaky, infant Iraqi government, a couple Europeans and a handful of assorted Arabs? It's worse than a "weak link" problem; this chain is made entirely of Funyuns.
Secretary of state John Kerry says the US is NOT at War with Isis. Kerry states the White House's strategy includes "many different things that one doesn't think of normally in context of war." O…K..? I don't normally think of puppies and unicorns in the context of war so I guess we're doing that?
If you're nostalgic for the Cold War era, you're in luck! After threatening the US and NATO with the promise of nuke retaliation for just about anything, the Russians say they have a new ICBM that's so big, it can hold 10 nuclear warheads. Of course, I wouldn't put it past Russian President Vladimir Putin to lie about the size of his missile.
In case you missed it: Using DNA evidence, Jack the Ripper has been identified after 126 years. Although, we hear the NFL was sent a film back in 1919. Speaking OF… in the latest fallout from Elevator-gate, EA Sports is removing Ray Rice from their "Madden 15" video game. No Rice in "Madden 15"? I thought they said no substitutions!
And … Everybody panic! It's a solar storm! A giant solar flare from the sun may result in communication problems in the next several czyohen7ylls(%e)A990kjsv}{
Filed Under :
People :
Blade Runner Oscar Pistorious
John Kerry
Oscar Pistorious
Ray Rice
Richard Gatling
Vladimir Putin
LMN 9-11-14 Nothing of substance.
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 11 2014 8:38AM
President Obama authorizes airstrikes against a terror group he recently downplayed as the "Junior Varsity" team. There was no doubt our president would call for the destruction of ISIS/ISIL/IS; the whole place over there is a sand trap and they're in the way.
"Blade Runner" Oscar Pistorious has been cleared of the murder of his girlfriend. Wow. When Oscar once said he wished he was like "regular" athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
The Alabama gubernatorial race finally got interesting thanks to Parker Griffith and an epic meltdown. Griffith verbally attacked and allegedly threatened one of Birmingham's radio personalities after an interview didn't go his way. Griffith was first butthurt that he would not get a debate with incumbent Governor Doctor-Doctor Bentley. Why bother? He can't even handle a debate with a radio host.
Ugh, Harvey Updyke's back. The man who pleaded guilty to poisoning Auburn University's landmark oak trees has paid only $99 toward restitution. He owes Auburn over 796 thousand dollars. Hope Auburn isn't counting on that cash any time soon; Harvey's entire theoretical life savings can fit inside an empty dip cup.
5 counts of murder for the South Carolina man who allegedly killed his children and dumped their bodies in Alabama. 32 year old Timothy Ray Jones Jr is described by HIS father as "a loving parent." Most of us are questioning that statement.
A huge solar flare launched off the sun yesterday and could pass the earth by Friday. Or today. They're not really sure. GAME OVER MAN! They're calling this an "X flare outburst," which just sounds impressive. If we stockpile milk and bread for snowstorms, what do we eat for a solar storm?
And a few things you need to know (kinda)…
The Lifetime network's 2015 schedule will feature a TV series called "Damien" based on the classic 1976 movie "The Omen." No word if it will be sponsored by the iPhone 666.
Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says scientists working on the "God Particle" risk destabilizing the matter, which would destroy the universe by causing time and space to collapse. Great! Time is about to collapse and Apple wants me to buy a $350 watch? Bah! I'll admit the iWatch would be neat to have, even though it will become the most expensive thing you forgot to take off before getting in the shower.
In addition to some stuff you're going to have to upgrade every year, Apple also rolled out some new iCloud pricing. From what I hear, it's the place to store your nude photos... unless, of course, you want them kept private.
McDonald's profits are down. I'm no financier, but have they ever considered firing the Hamburglar? Seriously, how much is this guy stealing on a weekly basis?
This is probably a terrible idea, but Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has written a children's book. I believe it's called, "Horton Hears a Ho." The Texas Board of Education is skipping the Christmas rush and just banning it now.
And … in a stunt that is officially Parker Griffith-level crazy, I jump off the roof of the building at 1819 5th Avenue North at 2pm tomorrow afternoon to support Cystic Fibrosis. If you can throw in with those who have already donated, my donation page is firstgiving.com, enter a search for Lisa Mason. Atrox factory in Leeds is STILL matching donations because they like to do horrible things to me.
Filed Under :
Location :
South Carolina
People :
Harvey Updyke
Keith Richards
Lisa Mason
Oscar Pistorious
Parker Griffith
Parker Griffith-level
Stephen Hawking
Timothy Ray Jones Jr
LMN 9-10-14 The Zombie Game is getting Ray Rice-level crazy
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 10 2014 8:01AM
President Obama tonight interrupts your TV shows to layout his plans to fight ISIS. And as long as they don't have access to television, we should be able to surprise them.
Janay Rice says it's the media's fault AND YOUR OPINIONS that are causing her pain. Uh, no honey, that's your husband's fist. Janay says she supports her husband; she'll have to since he's out of a job. Typical in abuse cycles, the creepy denials. Call the Alabama Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-650-6522. If you won't get out of an abusive relationship for your own good; do it for your kids, for your parents, heck do it for your cat. Meanwhile, there are calls for the resignation of the NFL Commissioner for his handling of the Ray Rice incident. Roger Goodell is being accused of playing chicken with Rice.
PBS reports that the Iraqi parliament took giant steps this week towards putting a functioning government in place. Now that they've done that in Iraq, maybe we can try it over here.
And a few things you need to know…
On this date in 1953, Swanson sold its first frozen TV dinner. I believe that's still in our beakroom freezer.
126 years after the crimes, a researcher says the infamous killer, Jack the Ripper, has been identified. It should be featured in a new show called "CSI: FEMA." FINALLY cheap tarts can again walk the streets of London unafraid.
Physicist Stephen Hawking is warning that scientists working on the God particle could make it unstable, initiating a cataclysmic chain of events that will collapse space and time and demolish the universe. I thought that was Congress's job?
The tabloids are hinting about a feud between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. Although Taylor and Katy's publicists swear the only things going on between the two are the exact same STD's.
The rumor mill says that Michael Jackson's 16-year old daughter Paris is pregnant. Rumors again, but all the teen boys at her high school say, "We'll always have Paris."
Miley Cyrus's mom says that every Saturday morning, she and Miley twerk together while making breakfast. Can the Denny's Wham Bam Grand Slamanella special be far behind?
Authorities in Oregon say a woman has been arrested after breaking in to a house, pushing a woman down the stairs, pulling her hair, biting her on the face and telling her victim she was playing "the zombie game." It's believed 27-year-old Jessica Rocha was drunk AND high at the time of the assault. Gee – ya think? Rocha now gets to play "the prison game." Hope she likes Orange is the New Black. It's sad that the only thing that shocks me about this story is the fact it didn't take place in FLORIDA.
And ... Thanks to Atrox Factory matching everyone's donations to CF, I def have to jump off a building on Friday. If you'd like to watch the horror show go, literally, down then join me at the City Federal building on 5th Ave North at 1pm Friday. If you'd like to donate, I STILL have some matching $$ promised by Atrox and I'd truly enjoy costing Paul Johnson some money. Please hit my page: firstgiving.com/fundraiser/LisaMason/laps-for-cf-goes-over-the-edge1
Filed Under :
Location :
People :
Janay Rice
Jessica Rocha
Katy Perry
Michael Jackson
Miley Cyrus
Paul Johnson
Ray Rice-level
Roger Goodell
Stephen Hawking
Taylor Swift
LMN 9-9-14 Seek help, Janay. For real. WTH?
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 9 2014 8:43AM
Word is he's finally almost ready to tee off against some terrorists. President Obama will today outline his plan on dealing with ISIS to the nation, and to ISIS itself since they have cable.
Apple is today releasing the new iPhone. It features a larger screen for you to repeatedly crack.
Attorneys for a Clay couple fighting the city's ridiculous vicious dog ban liken the ordinance on pit bulls to the internment of citizens with Japanese ancestry during World War II. When did pit bulls bomb Pearl Harbor? The ordinance prevents Clay residents from adopting pit bulls and other breeds the city has deemed undesirable. No, ankle-biting yapping mini-cocka-doodle-pomapoos are not included in the "vicious dog" ordinance. But they should be. Because they are worse.
GM says they'll have a Cadillac on the road in two years that will be able to drive without the driver touching the steering wheel or laying a foot on the gas pedal. Should make 459 more interesting.
Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their second child. Pretty irresponsible, considering neither of them really has a job. And their kids are so close in age! How will they pay two college tuitions at the same time –oh.
Olive Garden is offering a Never-Ending Pasta Pass, where you can get all-you-can-eat pasta for $100. It's a 7-week, "Never-Ending" Pasta Pass? How is it never ending if it's only for 7 weeks? In my day, "Never-Ending" really meant something. You know, like a DMV line. Or a staff meeting. So, the Never-Ending Pasta Pass is good for seven weeks or until you can't fit in the door, whichever comes first. This promotion is perfect for those Americans truly struggling to carbo load.
Students in Australia have designed a robotic couch that drives the occupant to the refrigerator. In a related story, the producers of the Biggest Loser just surrendered.
And ... the mini-rant of the day on my show this morning is, naturally, about Ray Rice punching his way out of a job with the Ravens. Everyone everywhere is chiming in on this. If you've not yet seen the video he punches his then-fiancée, Janay, in a casino elevator so hard he knocks her out then drags her body halfway into the hallway like a sack of potatoes. Rice must have hit her hard enough to cause brain damage because Janay MARRIED HIM ANYWAY. She seriously needs help if she's staying with this freak.
I dare a man to raise a hand to me. You feel lucky? Try me. Sadly, odds are there are women listening to my station who are getting thrown around by their "man" on a regular basis. I use the word "man" loosely since I'm not allowed to print the actual descriptive term for a male who hits women. It is NOT OK ladies. You don't deserve it. Check out #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft along with #WhenILeft on Twitter. Its stories of women who stayed in abusive relationships thinking "I can change him." Nope. Nope. Just nope. You aren't going to change that black eye you've got unless you leave. Now.
If you are in danger, get away. Stay away. Call 911 and don't look back. Alabama's Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-650-6522.
Wow. That was depressing. To lighten the mood I've included a picture of Hera wearing her fancy new collar. I took it off her to give her a bath and she proceeded to sit under the hook where I hung the collar and whiiiiiiiine for FIFTEEN MINUTES because she waaaaaaanted it baaaaaack. Yes, this is the behavior of a dog you can't have in Clay. Because they fear things that wear sequins.
Filed Under :
Location :
People :
Kate Middleton
Ray Rice
LMN 9-8-14 There is .. another .. Skywalk--
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 8 2014 8:44AM
Here we go again. Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, is pregnant again. You're about to be as sick of hearing about the royal pregnancy as Kate is from being pregnant. This new baby will become fourth in line to the throne, and push Prince Harry to fifth. Whooo boy same thing kinda happened to Scar in the Lion King! Didn't we fight a war or something so that we wouldn't be required to pretend to care about the Royal Family? You know – I say that, but WOW her hair really is fantastic.
President Obama took to the Sunday news shows to save a little face. During a softball Q&A game on Meet the Press, he admitted that playing golf on Martha's Vineyard a scant 15 minutes after talking tough-ish about the beheading of journalist James Foley was a bad idea. The kicker? Obama blames the media for making it a big deal. Allow me to apologize! I'm in the media and had no idea it was my personal responsibility to make sure the President has at least ONE staffer with sense enough to say "Um, dude? You need to look a little perturbed for a sec. Do like Tony Stewart after he killed that guy and just stay inside for a couple days."
An autopsy on Joan Rivers has proved "inconclusive." Who needs an autopsy? We all know why Joan ran down the curtain and joined the choir invisible; she would rather die than take the Ice Bucket challenge.
President Obama says he's finally had it with the senseless violence and all the bloody killings and torture. He's asking HBO to tone down the new season of "Boardwalk Empire."
And a few things you need to know...
In 1917, a federal decree was issued making it illegal to manufacture whiskey in the United States. This included both rural and bourbon areas.
On this date in 1966, the TV series "Star Trek" made its debut. That was back in the day when you heard Cardassian and didn't think it was somehow related to a twit-filled reality show.
A Florida restaurant has banned customers over the age of ten from using ketchup. Good. Because ketchup makes everything taste like nasty nasty ketchup. I'm being paid by the mustard lobby.
The CEO of Apple says they will add new security alerts for iCloud users in two weeks, or as soon as they're done downloading the rest of those Jennifer Lawrence pictures. Why would you store something you don't want anyone to see someplace that you can't even see? Just curious.
Starbucks admits there is no actual pumpkin in its Pumpkin Spice Latte and America is OTRAGED. So by that standard, are you expecting actual frap in your Frappuccino?
And… It's "Fashion Week" in New York! Or, as men know it, "Some clothes thing going on the first week of football season up where the Jets and Giants play." President Obama LOVES Fashion Week; the daily barrage of runway photos means there are finally people in the front pages who look as ridiculous as the White House foreign policy team.
Filed Under :
Location :
New York
People :
James Foley
Jennifer Lawrence
Kate Middleton
Tony Stewart
LMN 9-5-14 You must be trying to get me killed! Thanks!
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 5 2014 8:52AM
President Obama and British Prime Minister David Cameron call upon NATO to stop the spread of ISIS in Iraq. NATO's Secretary General says while there IS an obligation to stop ISIS, no such request has come from Iraq itself. Wait – what? We've got to start WAITING for the "host nation" of whatever the terror problem is to INVITE us in? Awww man. This sucks!
Meanwhile, ISIS is editing videos to show President Obama looking tired and haggard then uploading them as propaganda. I can't even watch Judge Judy because of a Fox vs DirectTV spat but THEY get to run around the desert with a bootleg copy of Final Cut Pro and Wi-Fi?
Another American aid doctor has contracted the deadly Ebola virus in Africa, he's back in the US for treatment. Sorry that the Ebola virus has travelled more than us this summer.
A Birmingham judge is expected to make a ruling on an Alabama law restricting teeth-whitening services outside of dentist's offices. What. Glad to hear we've solved all our pressing problems.
Al-Qaeda has now expanded into India, putting them at a solid number 2 behind Starbucks.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas. I used to have a t-shirt from the Sam Houston Institute of Technology but the initials always got me in trouble.
Hey – side note: WHO is in charge of Woofstock and WHY can't I emcee your event?
All is not well in the NFL. Some cheerleaders are suing the league, claiming they make less than 3 dollars per hour, after expenses, while the league earned $9 billion in revenue. See fast food workers? You could have it as bad as an NFL cheerleader who willingly consents to mandatory hair, makeup, clothing styles and weight loss!
Legendary comedian Joan Rivers has died at 81. Parts of her were only 15 – that's far too young to go! She is survived by her daughter Melissa, her 2 grandchildren, and a team of plastic surgeons who will never live the lifestyle they have become accustomed to again.
And … I want to say "thank you" to all of you who are donating to the Cystic Fibrosis fundraiser, but you realize I'm going to have to follow through with the stunt, right?? Are you TRYING to get me killed?? Next Saturday, if I meet my goal, I get pushed over the edge of a building for Laps for CF.
and watch me shriek like a freak for a noble cause. Sure I'm more than a little nervous, but I'll do just about anything EXCEPT post nude photos to the iCloud.
My CF donation page only shows me as having 42% of my goal but remember ATROX Factory is matching those donations. ATROX posted everywhere yesterday that they were looking for a new way to scare me, so they backed me in the CF fundraiser. Trust me: when ATROX Factory takes a PERSONAL interest in scaring you … you SHOULD be afraid. Be very afraid.
Meanwhile I'm prepping for the inevitable by Googling pictures of high places and trying to channel my Inner Gargoyle.
Filed Under :
Location :
People :
David Cameron
Joan Rivers
Sam Houston
LMN 9-4-14 Another crazy charity thing...
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 4 2014 8:29AM
I knew you could find the video online. It didn't even take much searching, but in spite of the gruesome warnings, I watched it anyway. Man, that "Saved by the Bell" TV movie is HORRIBLE!
Vice President Joe Biden says that the Obama administration will follow ISIS "to the gates of Hell." Seeing as America seems to be going to Hell in a hand-basket, we're halfway there already. Seriously though, don't worry about America's safety. Even though the CIA totally missed the emergence of ISIS in Iraq, they're still on the job! They were the first to report the Brangelina marriage.
Fast food workers nationwide are calling for a walkout today over money. I'm all for raising the minimum wage for fast food workers as soon as ONE of them gets my order right. If you're looking for a McJob, there's about to be a lot of openings as these "protesters" will soon learn that, along with the right to whine, they also have the right to become unemployed.
Halliburton has agreed to pay $1.1 billion to settle claims from the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Don't worry about Halliburton; their pockets are so deep, when reaching for the money, they struck oil again.
Apple's next big announcement that will make you regret buying a new phone last year is next Tuesday. When do they unveil the app that does my laundry?
More naked photos of celebrities are popping up on the Net. I just saw Lady Gaga with absolutely no food on her. Once again, we're reminded of that old saying: "Naked pictures of you can never leak online if they don't exist."
This week, all CVS stores and pharmacies began a policy of not selling cigarettes. So THAT'S why I've been noticing CVS employees smoking cigarettes behind the Walgreens dumpster.
Here's the Exploding Head Story for today. The TV series "Sleepy Hollow" is in trouble because people are outraged that, with everything horrible happening in the Middle East, the show centers around … the Headless Horseman. The legend of a Headless Horseman was a thing long before Washington Irving's story, it goes back to Celtic origins and people got beheaded back then too. But suddenly, we must avoid all mention of it because "that's insensitive!" It's the same reason I have to delete Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun" from the daily playlist on the Eagle anytime there's a high-profile shooting. People get offended. Somebody call WHINE - ONE- ONE. [RANT DELETED] Can we all just chill and stop being offended on behalf of everyone else. Let's fight the REAL enemy: Lemurs.
And … I hate to ask you for anything but there's a thing I've been asked to do. It's for Laps for CF, the people who do so much work here locally for all aspects of Cystic Fibrosis. It's a challenge called "Over the Edge" and if I raise $1000 by next Saturday, I get pushed off a tall building Downtown. I don't WANT to get pushed off a tall building, but I'm sure plenty of you have, at some point, wanted to push me off of one. Then there's THIS: While I only just started on the fundraiser, Rick and Bubba on my sister station have been doing this for a couple months and have raised THOUSANDS. I'm more afraid of looking like small change next to them than of falling off a building. Because MY listeners are cooler than theirs. If you could spare a buck, ATROX Factory in Leeds is matching my donations up to a point. So if you have a dollar left over after dumping ice on yourself, I would greatly appreciate the donation to CF. AND it means Paul from ATROX has to pay up. Here's the link:
Filed Under :
Location :
Gulf Of Mexico
Middle East
People :
Joe Biden
Lady Gaga
Washington Irving
LMN 9-3-14 Who is busting whom?
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 3 2014 8:20AM
President Obama says we can "shrink ISIS to where they are a manageable problem." A "manageable problem??" DANDRUFF is a "manageable problem," ISIS is one step away from opening franchises like a "Bloodbath and Beyond" or a "Beheading and Breakfast."
The long Labor Day weekend saw 6 killings in Birmingham alone, and city leaders are calling for more public safety talks. Because "let's hold a meeting" is always the best policy. If you're not part of the solution; you're part of this meeting. I'm fussy and heavily armed yet I didn't feel comfortable walking my large dog there. Maybe Mayor Bell could ease up on the unnecessary travel expenses and pay for an extra patrol in George Ward Park?
Nude photos of celebrities are being leaked all over the Net. This would be an interesting story if everybody didn't already have a bunch of nude photos of celebrities on their own hard drives. The FBI is still trying to crack the hacking case. Why don't they just ask the NSA? Those guys have had Jennifer Lawrence nudes up on the break room bulletin board for the past 11 months.
The head of the CDC says the Ebola crisis in 4-West African countries is "spiraling out of control." Canada says they're having the same problem with Justin Beiber.
It's the third time in about a week. If you ask Delta what happened on Flight 2370, they will say it was diverted to Jacksonville "due to safety reasons in regard to a passenger issue." That is secret code for "some lady lost her mind because another passenger reclined her seat 4 inches."
Michael Sam, the first openly gay player drafted by the NFL, is cut from the Rams and gracefully poised to join the Dallas Cowboys practice squad. Congratulations, Cowboy! You've climbed the mountain! It's Brokeback Mountain, but hey, it's a baby step.
And a few things you need to know …
On this date in 1935, an automobile went over 300 miles per hour for the very first time. I'm sure going off that cliff had a lot to do with it.
Word is the new iPhone 6 will have environmental sensors that will measure the temperature and barometric pressure. Which means, 24 hours a day, you'll be able to tell that the weather forecast was wrong.
Werner Franz, the last surviving member of the crew of the Hindenburg has died at age 92. THERMITE be a problem with the autopsy. To those of you who don't know of the Hindenburg disaster, it was a large bag of hot gas that crashed and burned in New Jersey, a lot like Chris Christie's presidential aspirations. Oh the humanity…
2 separate companies have donated enough body cameras to equip the entire Ferguson, Missouri police department. Let's hope Ferguson cops take the time to stop playing with all their armed assault vehicles, grenade launchers, M4 carbines, deltoid armor and AR15's to turn the darn things on.
The U.S. Forest Service has published a paper on how to safely roast marshmallows. What's next? "50 Shades of S'mores?"
And … here is today's Exploding Head Story. If you look around the world and think "Americans are turning into giant wusses," here's MORE proof it is painfully true.
The 30th anniversary of Ghostbusters didn't turn out well for one local man. He was thrown out of the Trussville Regal 16 for attending a screening of Ghostbusters … dressed as a Ghostbuster.
If you've seen some of the indie films I've done, you've seen Brian. He's a good guy who is a die-hard fan of the film Ghostbusters.* He has full-blown movie quality costumes and props and decided to wear one of the costumes to the anniversary screening at the Trussville Regal. Brian tells me he asked the manager, "Is it OK if I wear this inside?" Manager tells him to go for it so Brian hangs out, people get their pictures made with a Real Ghostbuster and everyone is just happy-dappy. UNTIL … our hero enters the theatre and takes his seat. A man a few rows in front of Brian rushes from the theatre and returns with the manager. The manager told Brian he was disturbing other patrons and had to leave. Apparently people were afraid of a Ghostbuster ... who wanted to watch Ghostbusters.
Long story even longer, Brian offers to change clothes but that's not good enough and the manager leads him out. Because people are afraid of movie props. It's not like he was ARMED, it's a fancy backpack and a hose! Later, our hero calls Regal to say he's not 100% in love with the fact they treated him like scum and was informed it was their policy to remove people they think might be capable of a mass shooting ala James Holmes in Colorado.
Because a fan wore a costume to a movie. Now, I'm not an investigative journalist, I'm a rodeo clown with a radio show and a questionable news blog BUT I did call the theatre for comment and did not get one. Is THIS what we're becoming? No one freaks out when they see Storm Troopers outside of a Star Wars movie, and the Troopers are armed. Granted, Stormtroopers can't hit the broad side of a barn****… but you take my meaning.
Seeing someone in a Ghostbuster costume AT a Ghostbusters screening is completely sane and logical. It is the opposite to think your life is in danger. It's also insane to think a theatre manager asking a potential spree-killer to leave would avert a tragedy like what happened in Colorado. "Oh! I came to shoot up the place but nevermind now that I know I'm not welcome …" I can only assume the complainy pants man watching Ghostbusters who freaked out over a guy dressed as a Ghostbuster was, in fact, a ghost afraid of getting busted.
*We love our Brian but we do think he's a little crazy because of this. **
**I'm kidding Brian. ***
***We KNOW you're crazy.
****Sorry Daisy.
Filed Under :
Location :
New Jersey
People :
Chris Christie
James Holmes
Jennifer Lawrence
Justin Beiber
Michael Sam
Werner Franz
LMN 9-2-14 It's just a dog rant again
by Lisa Mason
posted Sep 2 2014 8:00AM
The US wants to bomb ISIS in Syria – but instead we hit Al Shaabab in Somolia. That's Apple Maps for ya. Meanwhile, President Obama says calls to bomb ISIS targets are "putting the cart before the horse." And if anybody knows about carts, it's a guy who golfs as much as the President.
Fox 6 and Direct TV can't get along, so Direct TV customers no longer watch Fox 6*. Whaaaaat?! No Judge Judy tonight?! I'm not ashamed to admit I love Judge Judy – we're a lot alike (except I don't have a law degree, a TV show or hundreds of millions of dollars).
An 88-year-old transvestite-Republican is running for Congress in San Diego. I'm not sure about his platform, but I his platform shoes are to die for.
Singer CeeLo Green will do a little probation after pleading no contest to charges that he slipped a woman ecstasy without her consent in 2012. Green THEN took to Twitter to let us know he feels that "it's not rape if a person is unconscious." By that standard … if someone knocks CeeLo out and beats the heck out of him with a baseball bat it's not assault? We should test THAT theory.
It looks like it is finally calming down; ice buckets are being put away and our friends no longer look like they've been kicked out of a wet t-shirt contest. The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge generated more than $100 million in donations in a single month. Now let's see you do it in February.
And a few things you need to know …
In 1981, the United States officially recognized Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia. Wait. I thought those were Kardashians?
On this date in 1789, the U.S. Treasury was created. They're the ones who are in charge of the money our government doesn't have.
People are complaining that Hershey's new corporate logo depicting a streamlined Hershey's Kiss looks just like the emoji "poop" symbol. Hershey's claims their new logo looks nothing like poop, but they do admit it floats in a swimming pool.
Some hacker leaked a ton of nude celebrity photos over the weekend. Best way to keep nude pictures of yourself off the internet? Don't keep them on your computer or your phone. At lease we know we'll never see nude pictures of Lois Lerner.**
The city of Clay must today defend its decision to ban Pit Bulls. Turns out the ordinance passed last year might be unconstitutional. Center Point, Irondale, and Gardendale also have ordinances banning or restricting pit bulls, but not the type of person that is traditionally attracted to pit bull ownership. Which is why I won't patronize those areas. Judging from the comment section online (where faith in humanity goes to die), the ONLY problem facing the city of Clay is bands of uncontrolled Pit Bulls hell-bent on murder and mayhem. Glad they've solved all their other problems and have extra coin to spend on court costs. I get it: every dog is different just like the delicate and diverse citizens of Clay who are forced to live in unspeakable terror because Pit Bulls exist. Some Pit Bulls are jerks, like a lot of your coworkers, but arbitrarily classifying that and similar breeds under a "vicious dog ordinance" is just ignorant. Hera Mason isn't a Pit Bull BUT she'd be considered dangerous in Clay because of her breed. She would rather lick your face than eat your face. Me, however … you have more to worry about from me than you do my dog. Hera even put a sign on her door saying "Beware of Human."
Wow. Didn't mean to get ranty about Clay. Now excuse me while I go ask Two Men and a Truck about some missing items and money from my move…
*So you can't at present be told to text while driving to work by some skirt.
Filed Under :
Location :
San Diego
People :
Al Shaabab
Lois Lerner
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LMN 9-30-14 Can't have a crisis without the ISIS
LMN 9-29-14 Everything is better?
LMN 9-26-14 Oh fun. Ebola Zombies really DO exist.
LMN 9-25-14 Introducing the Fantasy Terrorist League!
LMN 9-24-14 Nothing to read today.
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text:
BOOK BLURB: Lady Imogene Norwood lives a sheltered life of quiet respectability and routine…until she debuts at her first Season. There among London's elite she meets the wild and broken Lord Atwood. And the very shy English rose suddenly realizes that a little chaos might just be what her heart desires.
Lord Nathaniel James Atwood doesn't believe true love exists. Since scandal tore him away from his family at an early age, he has spent his life fighting for what he wants. That attitude has made him a rising star in bare-knuckle boxing, and now leads him back to London to reclaim the life that was stolen from him.
But upon meeting the innocent Imogene, his beliefs are trounced…as guarding his heart against her proves to be the fight of his life.
The following excerpt is in the middle of the book and our hero has just thoroughly compromised our heroine in the midst of their discussion of his contract negotiations…
"Atwood tucked her head against his chest but said nothing. She still clung to him, unable to move. Pulling away from her, his large hands curved down the length of her arms with digging fingers until they dropped away completely.
He eyed her. 'I didn't force myself on you, did I?'
Her cheeks bloomed with heat. She brought a trembling hand to her hair, sweeping long sections of it away from the sides of her face. 'No.' Sweeping a hand over his mouth, he fisted that same hand and dug it against his teeth.
After a long moment of silence, he grated out past that fist, 'You are inevitable, you know that?'
Why was he biting his hand?
'You don't appear to be in the least bit pleased by my inevitability.'
He dropped his hand back to his side and gave her a sidelong glance of disbelief. 'No. I'm not. And I'll tell you why. Because I feel like I was put into a situation I knew I wasn't going to be able to get out of. For Christ's sake, the last thing I wanted was to be married again. And to you, no less. To you.'
She stiffened, her womanly pride prickling. To her, no less? What did that mean? What was so wrong with her that he felt a need to emphasize it aloud with so much vile annoyance? And after he had indulged himself to the brim? She knew she was odd and couldn't speak well when it was needed most but did he really have to-
It stung. More than she wanted it to.
'Leave,' she choked out. 'My brother will- ' She wanted to add much, much more to the sentiment, but was too upset and her throat too tight with emotion. Her tongue was already feeling heavy and set to stutter.
He quirked a dark brow. 'Your brother will what?'
She whipped a forefinger to the parlor entrance, knowing that if she spoke, it would only be in broken fragments that would make her look half-witted. And she was not going to be upstaged after that hip-grinding, breast-tweaking display her brother had to witness.
Nathaniel stared. 'Why the devil are you so miffed?'
Oh, she would show him miffed, making her feel like a piece of fat he'd cut off the mutton when she was giving them all an opportunity of a lifetime. Just because she was naïve to the ways of men didn't make her naive to the ways of being demeaned. Shaking her finger rigidly at the direction of the parlor entrance, she hoped to God he would just go and spare her the humiliation of having to use words.
Lines of concentration etched his brow. He angled toward her. 'Is this about your stutter?'
Her eyes widened. Oh, God. He knew. Her own brother had tattled about her stuttering as if she were some medical aberration in need of pity.
His countenance notably softened. 'Imogene. I've been through far too much to judge. Believe me. I don't care what it sounds like. Say whatever you need to.'
He felt sorry for her. Henry had no doubt even asked the man to play governess to her until the championship. It was…humiliating. Like she was being passed from one set of panicked hands to another.
Nathaniel eyed her. 'One of the boys in New York had a stutter.'
This just kept getting worse. She was now being compared to some American boy. Hardly a compliment.
Taking on a pensive look, he added, 'I have an idea. Seeing we have four months of this ahead of us, why not deal with it now?' He lifted his shaven chin and undid his cravat, tossing it aside.
She scrambled back, her throat tightening all the more. What was he doing?
He casually undid the buttons on his waistcoat. 'You and I are going to play Devil's Dare. It's a game men and women play in the Five Points. The idea is that I have to get you to take the Devil's Dare through verbal bribes before all of my clothes are removed and I'm forced to walk into the street naked. The Devil's Dare is this- you have to say something. So for each bribe I issue and each bribe you reject, a piece of my clothing is removed until I'm forced to walk into the streets in nothing but my goodwill. Now I know you like me well enough not to let me walk into the street naked. Or at least, I hope you do. Are you ready?'
She gaped. Was he being serious?
'Imogene, I will buy you a necklace made of rubies after I get my seven thousand.'
She swallowed, trying to steady her breathing. What was he doing?
'Clearly, you reject.' He shrugged off his coat from each muscled arm and let it fall to the floor.
'Imogene, I'm not one for fawning, but I'll take you into a garden and pick flowers for you. Would you like that?'
Mother of heaven. Why was he-
'Clearly, you reject.' Holding her gaze, he shrugged off his waistcoat. It rustled to his booted feet.
'Imogene, I'll dance with you on the rooftop of whatever house we move into during our four-month marriage.'
He didn't expect her to play along, did he?
'Clearly, you reject.' He yanked out his linen shirt from his trousers, letting it fall past his hips.
'Imogene, I will do something I have never done for a woman. I will take you shopping and hold all of your parcels.'
She clamped a trembling hand over her mouth.
'Clearly, you reject. I'm also running out of clothing, so you better take up the next offer.' He yanked off the linen shirt with a ripple of solid movements that exposed the menacingly well-sculpted muscles of a broad chest and arms that visibly shifted and tightened against scars that bespoke years of fighting. He tossed the shirt.
She gasped, her heart pounding in disbelief, and glanced toward the opened doorway and back again at that bare chest, dreading Henry might come in and shoot them both.
'Imogene, I will always listen to whatever you have to say. No matter how you say it or why you say it.' Holding her gaze, he dragged his hands down toward the front flap of his trousers, planning on doing away with them next.
Oh, dear God. She had to save him and herself.
'I accept!' she choked out."
FEATURED AUTHOR: Delilah Marvelle
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subset: commoncrawl


text:
Enjoy the benefits of staying connected with Microsoft and your fellow alumni
Follow these guidelines when referring to Windows-brand products, including but not limited to Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows 2000, Windows Millennium Edition (Me), Windows CE, Windows XP, Windows Server, Windows NT, and Windows Mobile.
Companies that create products or services that work with one or more Windows-brand products may reference the applicable Windows-brand product on their product packaging, in documentation, and in marketing materials provided they follow the guidelines outlined on this page.
These guidelines cover the use of the Windows trademark in text.
Follow these guidelines when using the umbrella name Windows and version-specific references to a particular Windows-brand product in the text of your materials. The following is a partial list of Windows products:
Windows 95 operating system
Windows 98 operating system
Windows 2000 operating system
Windows CE operating system
Windows Me operating system
Windows XP operating system
Windows Server 2003 operating system
Windows NT operating system
Windows Mobile
The common way to set the trademark apart from other words or nouns is to capitalize the product name and use the appropriate trademark symbol and appropriate descriptor. You may also use underlining, italic type, or bold type for the name Windows.
Correct: After you install the Windows operating system
Incorrect: After installing Windows programs
Include an attribution of Microsoft ownership of the Windows trademark in the credit notice section of your documentation or advertisement. Follow this format:
Windows is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corporation in the United States and other countries.
Correct: This product works with Windows 98, Windows 2000, and Windows NT.
Incorrect: This product works with Windows 98, Win2000, and NT.
Windows is a trademark that identifies Microsoft operating system software. Do not refer to applications, services, or hardware devices that work with Windows as "Windows applications," "Windows services," or "Windows hardware." If necessary, these types of products can be referred to by their relationship to the Windows operating system by inserting the word "based" between the name Windows and the type of product designed to work with Windows.
Correct: SpreadsheetXYZ is a Windows-based application.
Incorrect: SpreadsheetXYZ is a Windows application.
Microsoft trademarks should never be used in the possessive or plural form. They should be used as a proper adjective followed by an appropriate descriptor.
Correct: The Windows interface is so intuitive that even first-time users get up to speed quickly.
Incorrect: Windows' interface is so intuitive that even first-time users get up to speed quickly.
The following are guidelines for using the Windows trademark in other scenarios.
You may use the Windows word mark (but not the Windows logo) on packaging, promotional or advertising materials, or your Web site to indicate that your product or service is compatible with Windows, provided the reference complies with the guidelines herein and the specifications that are listed in this section. Any use of the Windows logo to indicate compatibility must be pursuant to a logo license under one of the Microsoft Logo Programs.
You may use the Windows trademark in a referential phrase such as "works with Windows XP," "runs on Windows 2000," "for use with Windows," "for Windows," or "compatible with Windows XP." (If your product works with only one version of a Windows product, refer to that version specifically.) Maintain a visual distinction between your company and product name and the Windows trademark. (Windows should be less prominent.)
Do not use Windows in your product or service name or your company name.
Do not use product, service, or company names that could be confused with the Windows trademark.
Do not mimic or copy Windows product packaging, advertising, or trade dress.
Do not use the Windows trademark more prominently than your product or service name. You should maintain a visual distinction between your company and product name and the Windows trademark.
Do not create or use any logos that include the Windows trademark unless your use is pursuant to a license from Microsoft. For example, do not create your own Windows compatibility logo.
Do not use the Windows logo on or in connection with products, packaging, manuals, promotional or advertising materials, or Web sites for any purpose except pursuant to an express written trademark license from Microsoft. See the Logo Programs page for more details.
You may use the Windows trademark in connection with magazines and periodicals and in the title of seminars or conferences if you comply with the guidelines herein and the specifications that are listed here.
The publication, seminar, or conference should relate specifically to the Windows operating system.
Your name and logo should appear more prominently than the Windows trademark on all printed materials related to the magazine, periodical, seminar, or conference.
A disclaimer of sponsorship, affiliation, or endorsement by Microsoft, similar to the following example, must be included on the publication and related printed materials:
(Title) is an independent (publication) and is not affiliated with, nor has it been authorized, sponsored, or otherwise approved by Microsoft Corporation.
You should include a trademark attribution per the notice format provided in the Use Trademark Notices section of this page.
Do not use the Windows trademark as the leading word or the most prominent element in your magazine, periodical, seminar, or conference title. You may use Windows in a referential manner such as "XYZ MAGAZINE for the Windows operating system." Use outside this referential manner (such as "Windows Magazine") requires a license from Microsoft Corporation.
Do not use the Windows logo on or in the publication, or on any materials related to the publication, seminar, or conference. Special circumstances may merit a license from Microsoft.
Do not use the Windows trademark in any manner that might suggest Microsoft affiliation with, sponsorship of, or certification of the magazine, periodical, seminar, or conference.
Do not use the name Windows in any manner that expresses or implies Microsoft affiliation, sponsorship, endorsement, certification, or approval. Do not use the Windows trademark in such a manner that it appears Microsoft is legally associated with your company. Display your company name more prominently than the Windows trademark on all materials.
Do not manufacture, sell, or give away merchandise items, such as T-shirts or mugs, that bear the Windows trademark, including the Windows logo.


text:
To find a doctor, call 800-667-5356 or click below:
Find a Doctor
Request an Appointment
En Español (Spanish Version)
More InDepth Information on This Condition
| Causes
| Risk Factors
| Symptoms
| Diagnosis
| Treatment
| Prevention
Copyright © Nucleus Medical Media, Inc.
There are several types of thyroid cancer, including:
The cause is unknown.
Factors that may increase the risk of thyroid cancer include:
Symptoms may include:
The doctor will ask about your symptoms and medical history. A physical exam will also be done. This may include a careful examination of your neck to look for lumps or abnormalities.
Your doctor may order tests, such as:
Once thyroid cancer is found, staging tests are done to find out if the cancer has spread. Treatment depends on the stage of the cancer.
Examples of treatment options include:
If you are diagnosed with thyroid cancer, follow your doctor's
Because the exact cause of thyroid cancer is unknown, finding it early and treating it is the best way to prevent dying from the disease. Your doctor may recommend screening tests for you, for example:
exposure to radiation is a major risk factor for thyroid cancer, you should:
Last reviewed September 2013 by Mohei Abouzied, MD
All EBSCO Publishing proprietary, consumer health and medical information found on this site is accredited by URAC. URAC's Health Web Site Accreditation Program requires compliance with 53 rigorous standards of quality and accountability, verified by independent audits. To send comments or feedback to our Editorial Team regarding the content please email us at
This content is reviewed regularly and is updated when new and relevant evidence is made available. This information is neither intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider prior to starting any new treatment or with questions regarding a medical condition.
Editorial Policy | Privacy Policy | Terms and Conditions | SupportCopyright © 2008 EBSCO Publishing All rights reserved.
© 2014 Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center
330 Brookline Avenue, Boston, MA 02215
617-667-7000 | TDD: 800-439-0183 | Maps & Directions


text:
- Charlie Harrison
- Marlborough
- United Kingdom
This conversation is closed.
Is a market based solution suitable to save the River Kennet, in Marlborough, Wiltshire, UK?
The River Kennet is one of England's most important chalk streams. Some 45 miles long, it is the largest tributary of the Thames and in summer months contributes up to half its flow.
On Friday September 30th, the minister for the Natural Environment and Fisheries, Richard Benyon met Geoffrey Findlay and Charlotte Hitchmough from Action for the River Kenent in Marlborough to discuss the low flows in the river Kennet, and the on-going issue of over-abstraction. Local MP Claire Perry also attended the meeting and made clear to the minister that her in-box was full of letters expressing dismay at the poor state of the upper Kennet. Claire offered such help as she could give to support ARK in its campaign to reduce water abstraction.
As he stood on the bridge overlooking a dried out section of the river, Richard Benyon agreed that the state of the Kennet was 'very worrying'.
Showing single comment thread. View the full conversation.
Showing single comment thread. View the full conversation.


text:
This elegant pendant features a 5mm, round cut center stone cradled in an eternal knot. Carefully handcrafted in your choice of gems and metals. See Details
Gemvara jewelry is truly personal: you design it, choosing gems and metals to celebrate your story, and we craft it just for you. We'd love to help you find your perfect piece! (more)What quality are your gemstones?
They are all-natural and hand selected fine quality. (more)


text:
cnr Lichfield & Madras Streets looking west along Lichfield Street.
Ross Becker
Attribution: This photo was taken by New Zealand documentary photographer Ross Becker as part of a project to capture in photographs, both the impact of the earthquakes of 4 September 2010 and 22 February 2011, and the restoration activities. Find out more about Ross Becker's photos »


text:
Customizing SMF > Forks Discussion
List of Known SMF forks
(1/9) > >>
Angelina Belle:
The choice of an open-source license for SMF 2.0 opened up development opportunities for every member of the SMF community.
What is good for the SMF community should be good for the SMF project. All participants in the SMF project and every SMF fork can learn from each other -- compare different solutions to common problems, and compare different ways of working.
With that in mind, it makes sense to maintain a list of actively-developed forks, especially those who are using a truly open development model, which allows anyone to take a peek under the hood at all times.
We can all learn a lot from each other.
Here is a list of know forks actively being developed
Open Source Forks
* EOS Alpha, by Nightwish
* Elkarte, by some current and former SMF team members
* ezForum, by vbgamer45
Forks with restrictions on distribution or use
* Wedge, by Nao.
Added Protendo -- AngelinaBelle
Clara Listensprechen:
Not sure as to future: Yourasoft. Its board has been inactive for months now; used to be quite active.
Angelina Belle:
If it Jaelta picks up, let us know. :)
Clara Listensprechen:
Will do!
I know wedge isn't released yet, but a link could be provided for those interested in following the development of all currently released and forthcoming forks.
[0] Message Index
[#] Next pageGo to full version


text:
(Reuters) - High-priced pitcher Zack Greinke has been diagnosed with inflammation in his right throwing elbow on Monday but is still expected to be ready for the regular season, the Los Angeles Dodgers said.
Greinke, who was scheduled for a pre-season start on Monday before being scratched, has been bothered by his ailment since the beginning for the month and his examination revealed no structural damage.
The Dodgers said he would begin a throwing program in a few days and was expected to make his regular season debut on April 2.
"That could change, but I expect him to (start)," Dodgers manager Don Mattingly told the team's website (www.losangeles.dodgers.mlb.com). "It sounds really positive."
The Dodgers signed Greinke to a lucrative six-year, $147 million contract in the off-season in hope that he would solidify their pitching rotation behind ace Clayton Kershaw.
Greinke, a Cy Young winner in 2009, went 15-5 with a 3.48 ERA last season during a campaign split between Milwaukee and the Los Angeles Angels.
(Writing by Jahmal Corner in Los Angeles, editing by Amlan Chakraborty)


text:
- 1 Man found not guilty in bar fight death
- 2 The Abbey closes; owner looks for new operator
- 3 Brewer: State should pay schools what they're owed
- 4 Hansen: Byrne's dad set stage at Oregon
- 5 Lawyer: Child porn defendant just avid photographer
- 6 Man found not guilty in deadly bar brawl
- 7 The Home Team: Carey posts career-best game
- 8 For game "you live for," this one can be deadly
- 9 Student arrested after lying to instructor, official says
- 10 Foothills restaurant The Abbey closes, weighted by bankruptcy
Swimming: Leverenz in finals for 200M IM - Comments
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text:
Today is Cosmo's birthday....my girl is 9 today!
And yeah she had some attitude with Koda. Well and I was always standing in the direction she was looking and she is so super attached to me. My family likes Molly better as she is more friendly and loves everyone. Cosmo really loves my sister too...and I think was irritated that my sister was involved with Koda instead of hugging and kissing on her. I have never seen her have trouble with a big dog before.
People in my neighborhood all know Cosmo too....as the doggie in the window. LOL She lays up on the back of the couch watching out the living room in the morning for DH to come home, at night for me to come home and whenever we are gone. She's always up there and you can see her from the street.
Is Bruno still making improvement?


text:
$19 -- Frommer's: 4 Easy Guide e-Books for 2014, Reg. $44
- Retail $43.80
- You save 57%
- You pay $19.00
Frommer Media LLC
Easy Guides are "reinventing" the Frommer's travel book, says the LA Times. With this exclusive offer, save more than 55% on guides to popular U.S. cities.
Why we love it
- Get a head start on 2014 travel plans; each e-book contains fresh new research
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- Easily read them on your Kindle, iPad or Nook
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- Plan a cross-country road trip: the collection includes must-visit U.S. destinations
What's included
- For $19 (reg. $43.80), download four Frommer's Easy Guides e-books
- Choose from the American Travel Library collection, which covers these destinations: Hawaii, Las Vegas, New Orleans, New York, Orlando, San Francisco and Washington, D.C.
- Or for $29 (reg. $76.65), collect the entire library and download all seven e-books
April 23, 2014 - Oct. 23, 2014
Fine Print
Voucher expires on Oct. 23, 2014
Redeem by Oct. 23, 2014. Vouchers can be redeemed online immediately upon purchase. Valid only for Canada, U.K. or U.S. residents. Note: You can only order four titles (for $19) or all seven titles (for $29) from Arthur Frommer's American Travel Library.
Tax, if applicable, is not included. Cannot combine with other offers. Must use in 1 visit.