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Where do we go from here?
Storm Clouds over AA
Most of you know that I work for American Airlines in Tulsa. AA applied for bankruptcy protection on November 29, 2011. While my job is secure - for now - what the future may bring is more problematic.
My union, the Transport Workers Union, has been in contract negotiations with AA for about five years. Airlines are governed by the Railway Labor Act in order to avoid service disruptions during negotiations. Basically, it prevents the unions from walking off the job and it prevents the companies from locking them out. And that introduces a far greater problem. There's no incentive for an airline to come to an agreement since the union cannot strike and the National Labor Relations Board hasn't released a union to do so since before the Clinton administration.
We had our last 'negotiation' with AA in 2003. The company offered terms and flatly stated that we could accept them or they'd declare bankruptcy. It was like having a mugger hold a gun to your head and call it a negotiation. I took a pay cut that totaled about 20%, lost vacation days and holidays, had reduced sick time, and more. My family took a direct hit that severely impacted our finances. As soon as it was over, AA management began awarding themselves annual bonuses even as the company lost money. That was salt in the wound. Looking back, the real heyday of CycleDog was when I was riding to work regularly in order to save money. Well, that, and trying to lose a ginormous belly.
Presently, we're engaged in voting on a 'consensual' agreement that is only marginally better than the terms AA laid out before the bankruptcy judge. One co-worker aptly described it is as the difference between a sh!t sandwich and a sh!t sandwich with mustard. While it doesn't involve direct pay cuts, the increased amount we pay for medical insurance will have the same effect, and the meager pay increases of 1.5% will very likely be offset by medical costs as well. Hundreds, possibly thousands, of AA workers will lose their jobs.
There's a lot of anger and frustration here driving people toward voting against this contract proposal. I fully understand that, and in my darker moments, I can even embrace it. But I have to protect my family as best I can. I'll probably vote to accept this POS.
Even with this, it's not over. The company may offer an early out incentive that initially appears tempting. Qualified employees may receive about $40K to leave. They'd give up all seniority and recall rights. But here's the kicker - AA is trying to get rid of retiree medical benefits too. I've been pre-funding that since I hired in back in 1987. It was supposed to cover the time between retirement and my eventual Medicare, but if it's removed, I simply cannot afford to retire early and pay for medical coverage too. It would be the equivalent of a 75% pay cut, and that's not enough to live on right now.
So if the job doesn't go away, I may turn into one of those old farts we describe as retired-in-place. Don't misunderstand me. I actually like my job and I'm very good at it, but it's the rest of the BS that goes along with it that is really annoying. Who knows? I may be back on the bike riding to work again in the near future.


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TRIGGER WARNING: This content deals with an account of sexual assault and may be triggering to some people.
When you're being raped time does not stop. Time does not speed up and jump ahead like it does when you are with friends. Instead, time becomes your nemesis; it slows to such an excruciating pace that every second becomes an hour, every minute a year, and the rape becomes a lifetime.
On May 25, 2011, I was raped by an acquaintance in Crossett Dormitory on Amherst College campus.
Some nights I can still hear the sounds of his roommates on the other side of the door, unknowingly talking and joking as I was held down; it is far from a pleasant wakeup call.
I had always fancied myself a strong, no-nonsense woman, whose intense independence was cultivated by seventeen harrowing years of emotional abuse in my backwoods home. May 25th temporarily shattered that self-image and left me feeling like the broken victim that I had never wanted to be.
Everything I had believed myself to be was gone in 30 minutes.
I did not report the rape after it occurred. Almost immediately after the rape I flew off to California, got lost in the beauty of the redwoods, the phenomenal art, and meeting the most unique people I'd ever beheld.
I blocked the rape from my mind and tried to convince myself that it hadn't happened; that it couldn't have happened. But there was no denying the facts.
One week before I was supposed to fly back East, everything rushed over and consumed me. My memory had been restored and I wasn't sure how I would be able to hold myself together for that year, let alone for the upcoming three years.
When I returned to Amherst for my sophomore year, I designed a simple plan of attack for surviving: Business as usual combined with a new mantra I will NOT cry.
First semester passed relatively well, there were rocky times, but I kept it together. I masked fear with smiles. I mastered the art of avoiding prying questions. I drowned myself in work and extracurricular activities in order to hide my personal pain. I was unnervingly good at playing the role of well-adjusted sophomore.
It was inevitable though that this masquerade would become too overwhelming and that my façade would shatter.
In February twisted fate decided that I had to work with him on a fundraiser. E-mails. Stopping me in the gym and at the dining hall. Smirks. Winks. Pats on my back. It was all too much.
My masquerade was over.
I broke down and for the next several months, he won.
I spent most of my spring semester an emotional wreck. I saw his face everywhere I went. I heard his voice mocking me in my own head. I imagined new rapists hiding behind every shower curtain and potted plant. I bandaged the situation by throwing myself into more work and by resolutely refusing to acknowledge that I was anything but well adjusted.
Eventually I reached a dangerously low point, and, in my despondency, began going to the campus' sexual assault counselor. In short I was told: No you can't change dorms, there are too many students right now. Pressing charges would be useless, he's about to graduate, there's not much we can do. Are you SURE it was rape? It might have just been a bad hookup…You should forgive and forget.
How are you supposed to forget the worst night of your life?
I didn't know what to do any more. For four months I continued wandering around campus, distancing from my friends, and going to counseling center. I was continuously told that I had to forgive him, that I was crazy for being scared on campus, and that there was nothing that could be done. They told me: We can report your rape as a statistic, you know for records, but I don't recommend that you go through a disciplinary hearing. It would be you, a faculty advisor of your choice, him, and a faculty advisor of his choice in a room where you would be trying to prove that he raped you. You have no physical evidence, it wouldn't get you very far to do this.
Hours locked in a room with him and being called a liar about being raped? No thank you, I could barely handle seeing him from the opposite end of campus; I knew I couldn't handle that level of negativity.
When May rolled around, everything finally came to a head. My "Anniversary" was coming up and all of the terror that I had intermittently felt that year became one giant ball of horror that filled my life. He was still out there. He could get to me again. If I told anyone he would find out and do it again. No, no, no, no, no.
For my independent studies photography course I produced a series of 20 self-portraits representing myself before, during, and after the rape.
I showed them to my classmates. Their words stung like hornets: You look funny…I don't get it, why are you so upset?
I went to the counseling center, as they always tell you to do, and spoke about how genuinely sad I was at Amherst, how much I wanted to leave, and how scared I was on a daily basis. "I should just drink darkroom developer or something…"
Twenty minutes later campus police was escorting me into an ambulance. They were even less understanding: There's something seriously wrong with you; you're not healthy and normal right now. No, you can't say no. You HAVE to go, but don't worry, you won't have to be there too long. This is for your own good. Amherst cares about you and wants you to get better.
On May 5th I entered Cooley Dickinson Hospital's Emergency Room. Three hours after sitting curled up and terrified on a hospital bed I was admitted into the Psychiatric Ward for depression and suicidal thoughts. The doctor was skeptical to say the least: I really don't think that a school like Amherst would allow you to be raped. And why didn't you tell anybody? That just doesn't make any sense...Your anger and sadness right now seem unfounded and irrational, someone your age should not be this sad—it's not normal. We'll be admitting you in a few minutes, they'll take good care of you. They'll get you some drugs and they'll make you feel happy again…If you don't willingly enter we'll have a judge issue a court order legally forcing you to stay there. Trust us, this is for your own good.
So much for not having to stay.
The Psychiatric Ward was a lovely place: the top floor of the hospital, bare white walls, Spartan furnishings, and two stainless steel locked doors at either end of the corridor making sure that anyone who goes in, stays in. Doctors and Nurse Practitioners wondered around the bare hallways checking in on myself and my fellow patients—every fifteen minutes they recorded where we were, what we were doing, and whether we looked happy. In the morning we were given our drugs; if you didn't take them you would have to be there longer. It was in our best interest to take them, so they told us.
During the day we discussed our thoughts and feelings, our inhibitions, our strengths, but more often than not we did nothing.
When you're forced to sit and think about yourself for hours on end, you go through four stages of existence.
Stage 1: Hysteria—Characterized by denying that anything is wrong, "I'm perfectly fine" and "I don't belong here," are common phrases during this stage.
Stage 2: Numb and Ornery—You have finally realized that something is wrong with you, but you are overwhelmed and confused about how to go about fixing your problem. You therefore decide not to do anything.
Stage 3: Determination—You realize that the only way you're allowed to leave the Ward is if you "get better" and "solve your problems." Every fiber of your being thus goes into these two tasks.
Stage 4: Enlightenment—Everything falls into place. Your mind is no longer an oppressive hell and it begins to function again. The outside world no longer seems so daunting.
You are then permitted to leave.
My Enlightenment occurred when I least expected it. Four days into the Ward, I was sitting in on an introductory Substance Abuse and Mental Health Rehabilitation meeting since there was absolutely nothing better to do. To start us off, the meeting leader decided to have everyone go around and talk about why we were on the Ward. We went around the circle: hours in rehab, drug relapses, alcoholism, abusive boyfriends, being an abusive boyfriend, and escapism from the stresses of daily life. The stories weren't the superficial accounts that you read in a person's medical file; they were real life. Every problem, every ounce of frustration, every personal tick was laid bare that evening. And everyone was open, not proud, just blunt and sincere; the desire to improve their lives was palpable.
Over the past four days, I had yet to touch upon "what I was in for," my story was a mystery to everyone around me.
As my fellow patients went around the circle it all suddenly clicked. I realized why I never spoke about the rape, why I had refused to tell my school friends, why I had totally broken down, why I had steadily degenerated over the past few months. I was ashamed, and because of this shame I could not begin healing.
"Silence has the rusty taste of shame," a fellow survivor once wrote.
I had been far too silent, far too ashamed.
That night I told them everything.
For the first time I told my story and I was not ashamed.
Later that night, as I lay in bed—still in an adrenaline induced state of wakefulness—I heard my roommate whisper my name, and then, a question.
"Are you still awake?"
"Thought so…"
A long pause. She'd been in the meeting.
What was she thinking? What would she say?
"I just wanted to tell you, I…I know how it feels. My uncle raped me when I was 15. The police never arrested him. Rape "wasn't their top priority." It still hurts…You're incredibly brave to talk about it…I rarely do."
She was 42 years old.
I did not sleep. That night I realized that from then on I could not stay silent—if not for myself, then for my roommate.
I had reached the apex of Stage 4.
I decided that once I was released I would continue with my plans to study abroad that upcoming semester; I would be rejuvenated when I returned to campus in the winter, ready to take on the world and fight for survivor rights.
I would be strong again.
From the moment I woke, this plan hit one pitfall after another; a domino effect of roadblocks that continued for the next three months.
I sat at breakfast in bright spirits, attempting to carry on a conversation with a manic depressive woman who rarely talked. I was so genuinely happy that her lack of responses didn't even bother me—I just talked at her.
In the middle of my stimulating conversation my harried looking social worker suddenly strode into the dining room and headed purposefully over to me.
She looked grim and angry. "They're trying to prevent you from going back."
I was shocked.
She began rattling off the Administration's policy regarding students released from psychiatric care. In order for students to be allowed back they had to have parental supervision while on campus in order to make sure that the student did not relapse into substance abuse again (the most common reason for student admittance into the Ward). This meant that a parent would stay in a hotel near campus and would then follow their child around for two weeks until the "all clear" period was reached. "And since you don't have parents…"
She trailed off awkwardly and began to resolutely examine the upper left-hand corner of the dining room.
I must have been speechless for a good minute as a bizarre series of emotions plowed me over.
Shock to incredulity, back to shock, to sadness to anger, back to shock again, then back to sadness, and then an overwhelming amount of shame and embarrassment settled over me. I'm not worthy of even going back; that's how disgusting I am. I can't even step foot on campus…
Panic welled up inside of me.
Did this mean I was trapped on the Ward forever? God, no, I couldn't handle that. I wasn't crazy!
Claustrophobia and paranoia dropped on top of me and I wildly scanned the room. I met my roommate's eyes. She was looking at me with worry: What's wrong?
The room stopped spinning, the walls went back to their normal locations, I could breathe again, and now I was angry. I told her flat out: Let me get this straight. I was raped on their campus. I had an emotional breakdown because I didn't feel safe and felt harassed on their campus. I went to their counseling center, like they told me to, and I told them how I was feeling. They decided that I should be sent to the hospital. And now they won't allow me back on their campus? They allow rapists back on campus, but they won't allow the girl who was raped back? The girl who did nothing wrong.
She told me: Well, when you put it that way…
The maniacal grin on my social worker's face as she walked off was wonderful.
Needless to say, Amherst let me back on campus later that evening. Five days after being admitted, I was finally released from the Ward.
The car ride back to campus with my dean was, also needless to say, the most awkward car ride of my life. I looked at her: You know, I'm really glad that y'all let me back on campus, for a while there I was pretty worried and I was actually preparing an argument for why I should be allowed back…
Her response: No, no, no! That's not what happened, you must have just misunderstood the situation! We're so happy to have you back! Amherst is just such a wonderful place, we know you'll be happy to be back!
A big misunderstanding, I was skeptical.
In the following days I decided that my best policy when dealing with Amherst at the moment would be "let's let bygones be bygones." I quickly forgave the Administration and focused on just being happy to be out. On the inside though I was still dripping with anger, shame, and embarrassment.
Several days after my release I had to defend my chance to study abroad. My chance to leave campus for the first time in 8 months, my chance to relax and heal in a new environment, my biggest chance to revive my love of Amherst, and my chance to move on in life by studying what I truly love. The prospect had gotten me through the most frigid hours on the Ward and I was convinced that it would be the perfect way to continue my healing process.
I half-heartedly murmured, Your actions were understandable. I understand your policy when dealing with depression and students coming out of the Psychiatric Ward…during the meeting that included my dean and several of the campus counselors. Relief instantly flashed across all of their faces and the atmosphere rose in friendliness.
Then: The Ward was the best thing that could have happened to me. I have re-found my love of life and my desire to heal. I will never be 100% better, but I no longer feel like a victim. I'm a survivor, I'm strong, and I think that studying abroad will help me continue healing. When I return in the winter I'll have a greater understanding of myself and a greater appreciation of Amherst.
They responded with enthusiasm: Of course! Very coherent explanation. You seem much happier, which is wonderful! We agree that going abroad and getting off campus will do you good.
Study abroad here I come!
I felt genuinely happy for the first time in a year, and I could not wait to head out.
At Amherst though, things are never that easy.
A few weeks after my release from the Ward I had a routine check-in with my dean to make sure that I was still doing well. I was excited to be leaving soon, and I must have looked quite content, sitting in her office with a million watt smile and bright eyes. I began to rattle on about how nice the warm weather was, how beautiful commencement had been, how great life was, on and on. She seemed distracted: Nod, nod…Mhmmm…Well, excellent! I'm so glad to hear that you're excited about the upcoming summer here. I know how much you wanted to study abroad and how much work you must've put into it, but really, it's for the best. Africa is quite traumatizing, what with those horrible third-world conditions: disease…huts…lions! You'll be much better off here at Amherst where we can watch over you. It will give you some time to think about…you know…that…unfortunate incident…
My face was blank. "I'm supposed to go to Cape Town, South Africa…" Her response broke me down: Yes dear, I know. You were supposed to study in Africa. It's all for the best that you aren't though.
No one ever told me flat out that I would no longer be studying abroad. Not even the study abroad dean told me. I scheduled a meeting with her for two days after the meeting with my dean.
A few minutes after exchanging pleasantries she asked: What are your plans for the summer now that you're on campus?
For the month of June I was decrepit, nothing could perk me up. I returned to feeling the embarrassment and shame that had consumed me before going onto the Ward. If I hadn't told anyone about what happened I'd be abroad…If I had been stronger…If I wasn't such a failure…This is all my fault, I really am just a broken, polluted piece of shit…
Living was difficult. Each day I woke up and wandered around in a daze. At night I stared blank faced at a wall and curled up in my chair in a fetal position. I couldn't talk with people. If I talk with them they might become infected with my dirtiness.
I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I secretly hoped that one day on a run my heart would just stop and no one would have to see me again. I wasn't worth anything anyway.
I continued having to meet with my dean; she blamed my sadness on not being allowed to study abroad, but I knew that it wasn't that simple. I could live with not being allowed to go to South Africa at the moment, the country would be there for a while, but being forced to stay on campus in a dorm populated with men I did not know, that was the real psychological issue. Every time I told my dean that I didn't feel safe on campus, that I wanted to be allowed to leave , or at least be put in a different dorm, I received the same unhelpful responses that I had received in February. They told me: You were lucky to be given a room here this summer in the first place, housing is tight right now and you really shouldn't complain. All of your fear is ungrounded, Amherst is one of the safest places imaginable…If we let you leave campus we won't know what mental and emotional place you'll exist in when you return in September; you could become completely unstable! At Amherst we can monitor you, and, if need be, strongly suggest time off when the school year rolls around…
I felt like a prisoner, or, more accurately, like a harem girl. My jail was luxurious and openair, I was free to move about, the ruling power judged my worth on a weekly basis, and I was constantly reminded how lucky I was to be there.
One night, after a particularly rough meeting with my dean (I just don't understand why you've been so angry throughout all of this. You have no reason to be angry about anything.), I was curled up on my floor—I wasn't thinking, I didn't feel anything.
I went over to the mirror on the back of my door and stared. What had happened to the girl who had come off of the Ward so empowered and strong; the girl who decided to no longer be silent and feel shamed? Where had she gone?
I went over to my desk and picked up a brochure I had been given about a survivor center at UMass Amherst. I gave an exaggerated sigh. Might as well…I called the number and made an appointment for the next day.
I went back to the mirror and stared at myself again.
For the next 15 minutes I repeated: "Silence has the rusty taste of shame."
I walked over to my computer, typed up an email, hesitated for a second, and then pressed send.
I had just sent my entire sports team an email-rant about my rape and subsequent breakdown at the end of spring.
It was about time people began to realize that Amherst wasn't just majestic dorms and world-class professors.
It was about time I resumed the silent pact that I had made to my roommate on the Ward.
I will not be quiet.
The next few weeks were a blur of unending days spent resolutely working to feel better (A friend told me: You can't help other people if you feel like shit).
I was able to sleep again. I ate more. I went to free therapy sessions. I wrote and mindlessly colored in order to ground myself. I obsessively made lists of all the things imaginable. I joined a survivor group. I cried less and smiled a bit more.
I started healing.
It took a month of hard work until I was noticeably doing better. My friends, my therapist, my coworkers, and my fellow survivor group members all started commenting on how much healthier and happier I looked. I still felt uncomfortable and oppressed while surrounded by men on campus, but I was no longer afraid to leave my room after 7 p.m. I was determined to love Amherst again.
Life was tolerable.
Early July and I had another meeting with my dean: You look like you're doing better today. Well done, I'm so glad to see this kind of improvement! I think it's safe to assume that you can come back next semester, and in that regard I think that it's time that we talk about your time at Amherst over the next two years…I know you want to do African Studies through the Five Colleges, but I don't think I can support that decision. Africa is very traumatizing and I think that studying Africa is just a way for you to relive your real-life traumas; it's just not a good place to be studying.
Over the next thirty minutes several more restrictions were laid out: no Five College classes this upcoming year, no study abroad in the spring, definitely no senior year thesis, I would have to meet with a counselor twice a week, and friends off campus would have to be pushed to the wayside. She told me: Amherst is the only place that matters, and, really, you don't have a family, so where else would you go? Amherst is the only place that you can be.
At the end of our conversation I grunted out a vapid response and headed straight to my room. I sat on my bed, million-mile-gazed at the wall, and thought.
What was the point of staying at Amherst? I had been stuck on campus for eleven months straight; each day had been more challenging and emotionally draining than the previous one. I had been feeling better recently, but each time I met with my dean I felt more emotionally distraught than I had beforehand. Her comments reminded me that in the Administration's eyes I was the most base individual: a poor and parentless humanities major who was the school's token-Deep-Southerner. I was sullied, blameworthy, and possibly insane.
I made a Pros and Cons of Amherst List.
The Pro List had seven items.
The Con List had twenty-three items.
On July 14th I made one of the hardest decisions of my life.
I was going to withdraw from Amherst.
That next week I threw myself into finding a way out. Plans were made, plans were broken, Plan B was made, and finally Plan B was successful!
I did not tell the Administration for fear that they would somehow sabotage me. It was probably paranoid, but after being prevented from leaving campus multiple times I was not going to take any chances. The conversation went similarly to this:
"I'm withdrawing from Amherst."
That was my greeting to my dean when I met with her in late July.
The look of complete shock on her face was priceless. When she recovered: So you're taking a semester off? That's perfectly ok, many survivors do, I think it's best that you do what you…
No, I'm withdrawing, permanently. I ain't planning on ever coming back. I'm going to transfer to another school after taking a semester off to travel around.
You can't…You…Nobody withdraws. Where are you going to go? You don't have parents. What are you going to do?
I'm working on a Dude Ranch in Wyoming.
…I didn't think you'd be able to figure out a plan…Well, we technically won't withdraw you from the school until three years have passed. After three years we'll double-check to make sure that you really want to withdraw and then we'll remove you from our current-students system.
No, I just want you to withdraw me. I don't want to come back, I don't want to be affiliated with your school anymore. I'm sick of this place.
I think you need to meet with our sexual assault counselor again, you're way too angry right now and not thinking clearly. I have a feeling you'll change your mind and come back. Amherst is one of the best schools out there, it will be a transfer down unless you go to an Ivy…
You know, I have I feeling that I won't want to come back, but that's just a hunch.
As my dean suggested, I met with our sexual assault counselor a few days later. The meeting was uncharacterizeable by one word, but bizarre might be the closest description: This is a bad idea, you're not thinking straight.
I didn't understand this. I'd been thinking about this for quite a while; I was unhappy at Amherst and I didn't understand why I should stay at a place where I was absolutely miserable. There are other places in the world.
The next two hours was a hodgepodge of topics: Your lack of parental support makes you emotionally volatile and prevents you from following through with decisions that you make.
Apparently I had decided not to study abroad. Then there was bizarre 'concern:'You don't look very healthy. Have you been eating? I think you might have an eating disorder. You know there's a great clinic in Northhampton where we can send you for in-patient eating disorder treatment.
I don't have an eating disorder; I used to have one, I know what they're like. I don't eat a lot because I can't afford to buy food.
Then the ranch came up: Do you realize how difficult working on a Dude Ranch will be? The people in Wyoming are different from the people at Amherst, they won't be well-educated, and they won't understand you. You're going to a backwards place. Do you realize how bad it will be?
Yes, because the rest of the US is filled with ignorant savages who haven't been saved by the light of Amherst. How would I ever survive?
To the counselor's great surprise, these stellar arguments did not convince me to stay at Amherst. I became even more resolute about my decision to leave, and decided to talk with the Victim Rights Law Center, a pro-bono law firm based in Boston that my survivor group had recommended to me several weeks earlier. My preliminary intake with the VRLC was quite eye-opening: Oh Amherst? Yeah, unfortunately I know Amherst all too well. I've been down there many times to deal with the administration and their constant mistreatment of survivors. Our law firm keeps trying to force them to change but they just don't seem to understand, they keep doing the same old thing.
Amherst has almost 1800 students; last year alone there were a minimum of 10 sexual assaults on campus. In the past 15 years there have been multiple serial rapists, men who raped more than five girls, according to the sexual assault counselor. Rapists are given less punishment than students caught stealing. Survivors are often forced to take time off, while rapists are allowed to stay on campus. If a rapist is about to graduate, their punishment is often that they receive their diploma two years late.
I eventually reported my rapist.
He graduated with honors.
I will not graduate from Amherst.
The stories and statistics are miles long in regards to sexual assault on campus. My story is far from unique, and, compared to some of the stories I have heard, is tame.
The more that I learn about Amherst's policy toward sexual assault and survivors in general, the more relief I feel in deciding to transfer. How could I stay at a school who had made my healing process not just difficult, but impossible? How could I stand knowing that the Administration promotes silence? How could I spend the next two years made to feel dirty and at fault?
I could not.
At one point I hated Amherst with an indescribable amount of fury, but I do not hate the school anymore. Amherst took a lot from me, but they gave me some of the greatest gifts imaginable: self-confidence, my closest friends, intellectual curiosity, and endless personal strength. For these things I am forever grateful. For everything else, I stand back and behold the college with a feeling of melancholia.
The fact that such a prestigious institution could have such a noxious interior fills me with intense remorse mixed with sour distaste. I am sickened by the Administration's attempts to cover up survivors' stories, cook their books to discount rapes, pretend that withdrawals never occur, quell attempts at change, and sweep sexual assaults under a rug. When politicians cover up affairs or scandals the masses often rise up in angry protestations and call for a more transparent government. What is the difference between a government and the Amherst College campus? Why can't we know what is really happening on campus? Why should we be quiet about sexual assault?
"Silence has the rusty taste of shame."
There is no reason shame should be a school's policy.
UPDATE: President Carolyn "Biddy" Martin has released a statement concerning this article and the follow-up steps being taken by the administration regarding sexual assault: https://www.amherst.edu/campuslife/letters_president/node/436469
Interesting. I developed an eating disorder while at Amherst, too, and the people in health services very helpfully advised me to "just stop doing it." This was about 15 years ago. I looked at the staff in the Deans' office and in the Health Office and noticed that they pretty much haven't changed personnel since I was there. What a complete failure of student support.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm extremely shocked and saddened to hear how the Amherst Administration dealt with your ordeal; they definitely lost a bright, young woman. Best of luck in all your future endeavors! The University of Virginia supports you.
Don't let anyone push you back into silence.
I just sent this out to several email lists at MIT.
You are brave for speaking out and taking back the dignity survivors are robbed of in these situations.
You are not dirty or shameful; Your rapist is. Amherst is. Our society is.
I am horrified, but not one bit surprised to read your story. I know Amherst from a perspective entirely different from yours, and I don't even want to say what my perspective is. I hope that maybe a time will come when I stop having nightmares. You have been amazingly courageous to get through all that you managed to get through, and your decision to leave was the only way to escape the treatment you were getting, because they would never have stopped or seen the light or protected you. Don't ever go back.
Incredible writing, and what an incredible woman you are. That strong person you thought yourself to be never really left you-- it was always there. Thank you for sharing your story, it's getting shared all over Facebook-- and I'm from UMass.
You are so brave and I am so proud of you. It has been six years since I was raped (actually repeatedly by my then current boyfriend) and I'm still gathering the courage to talk about it. It took me about a year after I had left him for me to admit to myself what I had gone through. Unfortunately, he was harassing me all the time for that first year - calling me thirty times a day and filling up my voicemail box with messages alternating between "you're a worthless cunt" and "I'm so sorry I can't live without you and I love you." I changed my phone number, email address, facebook, etc. I transferred colleges after that first year - I chose a school on the other side of the country to get as far away from him as possible. Needless to say, I ended up having a breakdown out there because, funnily enough, physically running away from something doesn't take care of the issues. I took a semester off from school but I never told anyone about the rapes. I enrolled in a different school for the following semester and everything was great - I was doing well and I felt strong and together. I moved into an apartment in Northampton after that first semester because I had then switched to Smith - I was excited about the opportunities opening for me at the college and life couldn't have been better. Then I was walking down main street and I saw him on the other side of the intersection just standing there with his mother. I turned around in a full blown panic attack and ran down the street, throwing myself into the CVS where I sat down in one of the aisles literally unable to think or move, trying to breathe, feeling choked by my heart pounding a thousand miles per hour. My body had broken out into a cold sweat. I have never experienced pure terror like that in my life. I wouldn't leave my house after that. I was convinced he would find me. It's been a year and a half since then. I've struggled through a couple of semesters getting shitty grades and becoming steadily more depressed. At some point an eating disorder I had struggled with in high school became my life. I was starving myself to death for control, for punishment, for the numbing effects it had on my mind and body. I blamed my breakdown on everything under the sun except for the sexual assault, which I would not and could not talk about. Eventually, I was too weak to leave my bed and all I did was sleep which meant that I stopped going to classes and was failing all of them. Smith's dean and mental health staff, luckily, are much more understanding than I had expected them to be. They seem to genuinely want to help me and do what is best for me. I ended up being taken to the hospital and then going into an in-patient eating disorder treatment program outside of Boston. Smith put me on a medical leave for that semester and the following one (this fall). In treatment I went through those same four stages you described. Opening up with the other women, and one tearful night of honesty with my roommate, are what changed my life. The moment that I started talking about the sexual assault and the entire abusive relationship was the moment that I truly began my recovery. I'm not at the point where I feel secure enough to attach my name to this story, but I'm getting there. I'm in the process of re-enrolling at Smith for next semester so my fingers are crossed that they continue to be as understanding as I found them six months ago. I want to thank you again for writing this article. Thank you so much. Seeing you stand up and tell your story, refusing to stay silent, encourages me to do the same. So much love to you.
For all the self defense and anti-rape measures taught to women these days, seemingly the most important one is overlooked, verbally make it clear that you do not consent to sex. If that doesn't work, call for help! No one should have to go through something like this, especially when there are people outside the door that could help. And especially if your rapist is unaware he is raping you. Sometimes it can appear that a woman wants to have sex when she really doesn't; being clear about ones intentions is the easiest way to avoid these situations.
First of all, I would like to say that noone should post comments anonymously. We should be responsible for our actions and supportive of our beliefs. This girl was brave enough to recount her story by her real name. Be brave as her. I dont mean to insult anybody, and I understand that writing your real name doesn't change anything in reality. But it does change the way other people view the comments. They know, especially those that look at this article because they have been involved in the story somehow, that there are people, "real" people, out there who actively support this girl, and will support any person in a similar situation.
To the essence now. I am a prospective student at Amherst. I recently submitted my application and I was just doing some research on Amherst when I came across this article. I know some of you may vaccilate whether this story is true or not. I dont know (although I'm quite sure it is), but it doesnt matter. There is plethora of similar cases out there and plenty of them (or better most of them) are true. I am not an expert in sexual assaults but I know that action must be taken. Angie if you want my opinion, and I know that you also agree, do something. Dont let this incident wear off. And I am not saying this just for your own good but for everyone's. As you also said "I did not sleep. That night I realized that from then on I could not stay silent—if not for myself, then for my roommate". The assaulter must be punished. Or at least we have to try. And be sure that you will find support in your cause. Much more than you may think. And I plead everyone to take a position in the matter. That's why I'm very grateful for all these comments. It means that there are still people who care.
Closing, I just want to say bravo to Angie for her courage to go through evrything she did and to write this article. I hope your experience will help you find a reason in life.
Regardless of the above, I hope you are well wherever you are.
I am sorry to hear that sexual assault is still a problem at Amherst, but I guess I'm not surprised. I was a victim of acquaintance rape at Amherst during my senior year, twenty-seven years ago, and since it was close to my graduation, and I was ashamed, I did not report it. Although it took me many years to realize it, the rape affected much of my early adult life, as I did not trust men and felt shame and self-loathing around the fact that I was not able to stop the assault. I eventually sought counseling and found healing for my life. Angie, I am so glad that you spoke up. Each of us who has gone through a rape like this will react to it differently, but we will all be deeply affected by it. I hope that other women who read your story will learn that they SHOULD report the rape right away, and understand that it is not their fault and the assault has not left them powerless. I also hope that the administration is successful in its attempt to change its approach to sexual assault on the Amherst campus, so that victims of rape can regain their power and the perpetrators can be brought to justice.
May you find peace in your life, as I have. Blessings upon you, as you journey forward in life.
You're extremely brave, and I hope your story makes administrations everywhere reconsider their policies/attitudes towards sexual assault. Good luck on the rest of your journey!
Thank you so much. It's not just at Amherst.
You are so brave and I am so proud of you. It has been six years since I was raped (actually repeatedly by my then current boyfriend) and I'm still gathering the courage to talk about it. It took me about a year after I had left him for me to admit to myself what I had gone through. Unfortunately, he was harassing me all the time for that first year - calling me thirty times a day and filling up my voicemail box with messages alternating between "you're a worthless cunt" and "I'm so sorry I can't live without you and I love you." I changed my phone number, email address, facebook, etc. I transferred colleges after that first year - I chose a school on the other side of the country to get as far away from him as possible. Needless to say, I ended up having a breakdown out there because, funnily enough, physically running away from something doesn't take care of the issues. I took a semester off from school but I never told anyone about the rapes. I enrolled in a different school for the following semester and everything was great - I was doing well and I felt strong and together. I moved into an apartment in Northampton after that first semester because I had then switched to Smith - I was excited about the opportunities opening for me at the college and life couldn't have been better. Then I was walking down main street and I saw him on the other side of the intersection just standing there with his mother. I turned around in a full blown panic attack and ran down the street, throwing myself into the CVS where I sat down in one of the aisles literally unable to think or move, trying to breathe, feeling choked by my heart pounding a thousand miles per hour. My body had broken out into a cold sweat. I have never experienced pure terror like that in my life. I wouldn't leave my house after that. I was convinced he would find me. It's been a year and a half since then. I've struggled through a couple of semesters getting shitty grades and becoming steadily more depressed. At some point an eating disorder I had struggled with in high school became my life. I was starving myself to death for control, for punishment, for the numbing effects it had on my mind and body. I blamed my breakdown on everything under the sun except for the sexual assault, which I would not and could not talk about. Eventually, I was too weak to leave my bed and all I did was sleep which meant that I stopped going to classes and was failing all of them. Smith's dean and mental health staff, luckily, are much more understanding than I had expected them to be. They seem to genuinely want to help me and do what is best for me. I ended up being taken to the hospital and then going into an in-patient eating disorder treatment program outside of Boston. Smith put me on a medical leave for that semester and the following one (this fall). In treatment I went through those same four stages you described. Opening up with the other women, and one tearful night of honesty with my roommate, are what changed my life. The moment that I started talking about the sexual assault and the entire abusive relationship was the moment that I truly began my recovery. I'm not at the point where I feel secure enough to attach my name to this story, but I'm getting there. I'm in the process of re-enrolling at Smith for next semester so my fingers are crossed that they continue to be as understanding as I found them six months ago. I want to thank you again for writing this article. Thank you so much. Seeing you stand up and tell your story, refusing to stay silent, encourages me to do the same. It reminds me that I'm not alone. So much love to you.
Angie, words are almost inadequate to respond to something so powerful, but thank you for writing this. Thank you for your strength. Thank you for willingly subjecting yourself (again) to outside scrutiny for the sake of fellow survivors. It's unforgivable that you were treated like the perpetrator in a crime committed against you. I know that colleges routinely mishandle cases of rape (I take issue with the term "forcible rape" in the same way I take issue with Todd Akin's usage of the term "legitimate rape"). But I'm floored that you were prohibited from studying abroad, coerced into counseling that was counterproductive, and essentially infantalized simply for telling the truth and asking for support. College administrations should NOT have the right to make judgement calls about what counts as criminal behavior. They should NOT have the authority to deny an adult (18+) the right to pursue the studies of their choice, including study abroad. I'm sickened by what happened to you and even more so by how frequently survivors are put on trial for coming forward. This is why rape victims DON'T come forward, on small college campuses and on the whole. Again and again, misogynists and apologists question the veracity of their claims while defending the nameless perpetrator. It's a knee-jerk reaction from a culture that tells women and other survivors of sexual assault to be silent, and blasts survivors who do speak up for "ruining some poor guy's life"--conveniently forgetting the lifelong impact on the victim's life. How could ANYONE accuse a survivor of being dishonest when coming forward can be almost as traumatizing as the attack itself? Who would put themselves through that for the sake of anything other than the truth? Notice how the rapist's name is not included here. Nor are the names of administrators. It is Angie herself who must brave the court of public opinion; those who contributed to her suffering continue to enjoy their anonymity. It takes a lot of integrity, strength and determination to do what Angie has done. Angie, I hope you pursue a career in advocacy. I hope you continue to write. We need more people like you!
Angie, I would like to thank you for your brave words. My team was forwarded this link by a teammate at my school and I was in tears the entire time I was reading your story. It strikes too close to home with me. I am also a junior at a NESCAC school, run distance, am studying abroad in Africa, and was raped in the spring of 2011. Each day has been a struggle for me as I try to grapple with what happened to me that night and how I will ever come to trust people again. I have battled with depression and know how it feels to fight to make it through just one more day. However, I haven't told anyone. You are incredibly courageous and I aspire to be as strong as you are one day. Your story is inspiring and thank you once again for speaking out for everyone who can't find the guts to. I am extremely sorry for the way you were treated by the administration and your rapist. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
University administrations *will* try to invalidate Angie's story, on here and elsewhere. Because if they didn't, they would have a lot to answer to.
Which brings me to this point:
I hope that the students there will see this and call in the press, the media, start a protest on behalf of all the women Amherst has battered. They locked up and punished a victim and spoke up for a rapist. Students of Amherst: Don't let them do this without reprimand!!!
An effective protest=bad press=damaging record=less admissions, less profit=PROBLEM ADDRESSED!
Angie, your story moved me to tears. Thank you for not only writing it, but for putting your name on it; your bravery and integrity are both staggering and laudable. You deserve an education worthy of your intelligence and self-possession, from an institution that values you as a person and as a developing thinker. Amherst needs to seriously rethink the way it handles sexual assault...everything about their response was wrong, wrong, wrong, egregiously wrong and utterly unethical. You have every reason and right to be angry (though you don't need anyone to tell you that). You were only a college freshman/sophomore and very young, and Amherst should have stood by you. It's disgusting and disturbing that your rapist was allowed to graduate with honors. Shame on Amherst for covering up rape.
I am a graduate student and teaching assistant at UMass, and we have many of the same problems on our campus with poor treatment of rape survivors-- though minus the classist rhetoric of the Amherst deans, which is especially awful-- and nearly no punishment of rapists. Your story is being passed around among grad students, and many of us, myself included, plan to share it with our students, too. We stand with you in solidarity and we wish you all the best.
Just wanted to let you know that your story has gotten all the way to Ohio, where I'm reading it on the campus of another liberal arts college. You're really brave to speak out about your experience. It's going to help bring attention to these issues, not just at Amherst but on all college campuses. We suffer similar problems here, at my college, where it seems the administration is content to cover up sexual assaults and pretend they never happened. It's unacceptable, and I admire you for telling them just how unacceptable this is.
All the best to you.
A few comments. (1) I believe the author was raped. (2) Crime victims don't always react rationally. I understand her anger at the administration. Nonetheless, is it really fair to blame the administration for referring the victim to the mental hospital after she threatened to commit suicide (particularly when she had a prior history of emotional trauma and eating disorders)? Rape is rape, regardless of circumstance; but the same is true of suicide.
I'm also skeptical that the dean forbade her from majoring in African studies, or from participating in the 5 Colleges program. I suspect the dean may have made the kinds of inquiries that advisors often make ("why are you picking this major," and so on) and the victim's rape may have led her to ascribe motives to the inquiries that weren't there.
I do think the dean discouraged her from studying abroad, but -- while I agree that's ultimately her decision -- this *was* a student with a history of emotional trauma, including suicide threats, wanting to study in a developing country. (That's not the same as saying "there's lions in Africa!") And that student apparently had few family resources to fall back on. Some caution may have been warranted on the study abroad plan.
In response to "A few comments"... Shame on you. Do not discredit her for standing up. It has lead to a sweeping movement of change at her university- a much needed one at that. I have experienced a different small liberal arts institution handle things such as this in the same way- discrediting the student and barring her from continuing with her plans simply because of the pain she endured. This reaction only caused her further pain. I just had to respond to this because, though you understand she was raped, you are contributing to a society that continues to victim-blame and victimize the already wounded survivor of sexual assault. I do not believe you meant any harm in saying this, but I do want others to understand what contributes to our society's already apparent issues. This, yes, is lower on the totem pole than what has been laid out in the article itself. However, it contributes and all of the contributing actions must be stopped in order for this problem to be solved in its entirety. Let's not forget the courage it took for her to share her story. Most survivors do not even come close.
and I commend you for having the courage, in such a misogynist society, to speak up over and over again about your experiences. After graduating from Amherst, I received my master's from a West Coast women's college. My friend there was stalked in a creepy way by another guy in the master's program, and the school there protected him and not her. Even at a woman's college. I doubt that your story is unique among any college in the U.S. And as for the country as whole, just remember Anita Hill. We have a long long way to go. People like you, speaking out, keep us moving forward until one day, hopefully, rape victims will no longer be ashamed to tell their stories.
Hi Angie, I wanted to thank you for having the courage to stand up and take action. It matters. I am a student at another small liberal arts college in the US and have heard stories with much of the same Administrative response to sexual assault. It is horrendous and points to a greater societal issue - sexual assault survivors are often victimized over, and over, and over again. It is wrong. I can say that I have gone through this process of healing, too, and have a dear friend who tried to take it through the university judicial system and was treated the same way. She also withdrew. Both of you are my heroes. I hope you find strength in writing this, and in reading the response from your college's president, I hope you are proud that you rattled them enough to examine their policies and approach. More students around the US need to do the same at their colleges and universities- the fire of change must be ignited and blaze onwards- it will be hard, but together, I believe we can take a stand. Again, thank you. You have given me hope again.
Thank you. You are truly an amazing woman and have so much courage to say this. <3
For all the women in the world who have been shamed into silence, I say thank you. Your bravery is astounding and encouraging. Sexual assault causes more emotional damage than most people are willing to acknowledge, and the manner in which the administration at Amherst treated you certainly did nothing to help. Putting your story out there is the best way to help people understand the effect such a personal attack has on a woman, and the further damage that can be caused by disbelieving peers and authority figures. Thank you. Truly, you are an amazing and brave young woman. I'm sharing your story with my friends here in San Francisco and sending you love and support. <3
Deep gratitude for your words. This has touched me so much. Thank you. Don't give up.
Angie, thank you for saying no to the rusty taste of shame, and yes to life. Thank you for your courage and strength to share your story so that others may begin to understand what college females across the country face. I hope you gain peace knowing you have empowered so many women. You are an inspiration to me. With love and gratitude, Emily.
I do not think this is a matter of courage, I definitely think this is a matter of survival and self-preservation. Many people appreciate the step you have taken to affirm what you experience and make sure you get justice for what happened to you.
Amherst is not a bubble in space and time. Students still have access to the police and the rest of society, and your history doesn't vanish when you graduate.
The president's response misses the mark: rape (or battery, or any other violence) is not a conduct violation committed by one student against another, to be addressed by a disciplinary process. It is a crime, to be investigated and prosecuted to the extent possible. In that context, who cares when the rapist or victim are scheduled to graduate, and who cares what the administration thinks? You shouldn't have to run a gauntlet of counselors just to tell your story.
What would make me proud of Amherst would be knowing that it pursues criminals aggressively, not that it pretends crime doesn't exist.
This article hit me like a ton of bricks. As someone at an Ivy League school whose Greek system breeds a culture of misogyny, I feel like I narrowly avoided a similar experience. This is a systemic problem that is intertwined with the privileged mentality of these schools. You are so so brave for telling this story.
I am deeply saddened by the amount of comments that reinforce rape culture.
It is entirely NORMAL to react to rape by being in denial. THAT IS NORMAL. A victim is still a victim even if they didn't act in an "ideal" way. We shouldn't punish them for NORMAL psychological reactions to trauma, we should support them. We shouldn't pick apart the victim's behavior, we should be going after an administration that finds this reaction acceptable.
Thank you so much Angie for sharing your story. I do wish you peace in knowing that you've given voice to many women who have been too frightened to come forward.
Thank you for writing an excellent, well-thought article. I am so sorry that you had to go through this and I really appreciate you sharing your story with the world. I personally hope that your article causes Amherst to reconsider its policy in regards to rape victims, as well as its policies towards women more broadly. It is of absolute importance to feel safe at school and Amherst did not support you. I know that if I was a young woman applying to college, the details about how the Amherst administration handled your situation would make me reconsider applying to this school.
I don't even know you, but I am so proud of you. At the same time, it infuriates me more than anything in the world that you were treated in this way. It's completely terrible... and yet you were strong enough to get yourself out of it and tell the world. I'll be passing along your stories for others to hear. The world should know about this and rise up against it. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so brave.
October 18, 2012
Dear Members of the Amherst Community,
I write in response to the recent news about an incident of sexual violence and misconduct on the Amherst campus and to reports that the College has failed to treat similar incidents with adequate transparency or seriousness. A student's first-person account in this week's Amherst Student is horrifying--her rape, her painful efforts to deal with it on her own, and her subsequent experiences when she sought help on the campus.
In response to her story, still more accounts of unreported sexual violence have appeared in social media postings and in emails I have received from several students and alumni. Clearly, the administration's responses to reports have left survivors feeling that they were badly served. That must change, and change immediately. I am investigating the handling of the incident that was recounted in The Student. There will be consequences for any problems we identify, either with procedures or personnel.
Addressing sexual misconduct and violence has been and is one of my highest priorities. Reviews of our policies, procedures, and practices have been underway for several months and they continue. Some changes have already been made. More significant changes need to be considered and decisions about them will involve students and other members of the community at every step. Oversight of this process will be the responsibility of a special committee I will form that will be comprised of students, faculty, staff, administrators, and trustees. In addition, we will hold a series of open meetings in the next several weeks so we can share information and solicit input on the changes we need. One of those meetings will be organized as a teach-in, involving students, faculty, staff, and administrators that will be planned and coordinated by Dean O'Hara.
On the basis of what I learned during my first year at Amherst, I have made campus leaders and the Board of Trustees aware of several challenges and opportunities in the general area of Student Life, including the need to review and make changes in our Title IX and sexual misconduct policies. Indeed, the agenda for this week's board meeting, which was set some time ago, includes a report from a nationally recognized expert in this area who has been reviewing Amherst's policies since July 2012. The board is deeply concerned and supportive of our efforts.
Sexual misconduct and assault are among the toughest and most consequential problems on college campuses and in the culture as a whole. Amherst is not alone in its struggles with it. But Amherst, given its values, its commitment to community, and its size should be a model of education, prevention, and effective response when violations occur.
No student should be discouraged from reporting offenses or seeking redress. All reports should be brought to the attention of the College administration. Every student should feel that the College will treat sexual misconduct and violence with the utmost seriousness. Every student should know that the failure to respect the integrity of others will result in punitive action. We will do what it takes to build confidence in the College's approach.
For more information on existing policy and procedure and on next steps, please read the text below.
Biddy Martin
Amherst College Response to Sexual Misconduct: Additional Information
Recent Action Taken
This past Sunday evening, President Martin held an open meeting that gave students an opportunity to share their experiences, their frustrations, and recommendations for change. At the end of the meeting, a series of action steps were agreed upon:
1. Student membership on the Title IX committee.
2. Enhanced communication about the changes that are in play.
3. Improvements in support for survivors of sexual assault.
4. A review of penalties for those found responsible for sexual misconduct and assault.
5. Student representation on the Student Life working group that will be part of the College's strategic planning effort.
6. Consideration of the regulation or disbanding of off-campus fraternities as part of the longer term strategic planning discussion.
Next Steps
In the next few weeks the College will continue to follow up with a series of meetings to obtain additional information and solicit the community's help with the re-design of policies, procedures and practices. One of those meetings will be organized as a teach-in involving students, faculty, staff and administrators. Dean O'Hara has volunteered to work with the community to organize the teach-in. At another meeting, Gina Smith, a nationally recognized legal and policy expert, will present her observations and recommendations for Amherst.
Summary of Changes to the College's Disciplinary Hearing Process
In spring 2012, the College Council and Committee of Six approved the following changes to the disciplinary hearing procedures, specific to sexual misconduct:
* Alternative testimony options are available for Committee on Discipline hearings, such as Skype, providing students with full access to the hearing process.
* Complainant and respondent have the option of submitting Impact Statements to be considered by the Committee while determining sanctions.
* A trained investigator will meet with the complainant, respondent, and relevant witnesses, gather evidence, and prepare a report for distribution to the two parties and the Committee. Using an investigator permits a more complete investigation and lessens the burden on the complainant and the respondent in preparing their respective cases.
* The Disciplinary Hearing Officer's role has been eliminated, except in complaints on behalf of the college.
You are incredibly brave -- and you're not alone! Sending all of my support to you, and fury at this culture of silence.
Mount Holyoke is behind you. My friends and I along with many others have been up in arms about this. Please know that the women here are thinking of you, and offer you only love and understanding.
My wife was raped by her ra as a freshman at mt Holyoke in 1985. It can happen there.
Thank you so much Angie. After reading this the first thing I felt was deep, overwhelming anger and rage. How could this happen? What kind of world do we live in? I wish I knew who the rapist was so I could make him suffer the way you have. I wish I could tell the world who he is and that he could never move on with his life, could never live normally again without the wrath of this story on his back. I'm so angry with the administrators who didn't believe you and who told you not to speak out, not to press charges, not to empower yourself. (To the Administration and anyone else who is "skeptical" - if statistics are the only thing that will convince you, do some reading please. You'll see that the instances of "crying rape" are NONEXISTENT compared to the instances of silent rape.) Angie, you are so strong, wow. I am just inspired by you. Ultimately, I feel empowered. I feel you have passed along to each reader the duty to speak out and make sure this never happens again. We need change and it starts with all of us. Right now. Talk to your administration about their policy - are there statistics? How many cases of sexual violence? What was the victim allowed to do in each of these cases? How was the perpetrator punished? And that punishment better be something that's going to affect the asshole forever.
I just wanted to say that the incredible strength this woman must have had to tell her story is remarkable and I am absolutely disgusted by the people questioning her account and "motives". You are victim shaming and you are disgraceful. You are what is wrong with society and why things are not changing. The things that Angie went through are horrifying and the way she was treated be an administration that was supposed to be "helping her" should be broadcasted because what they did was wrong. There is no argument. They need to do better. They need to be exposed for the cover ups and mistreatment of survivors.
Thank you for spreading the truth. Amherst isn't the only place where these disgusting things happen; many colleges suppress reports of rape and violence to avoid bad press and therefore avoid repelling paying students. Their US News rating is a thousand times more important to them than any human life.
Thanks Angie; this is a big problem at Dartmouth as well, and one that gets far too little attention. I was sexually assaulted during my freshman year, and so were at least two other girls in my friend group. There are almost never any consequences for the rapist whatsoever, while their victims will carry the experience with them forever. Your story is being shared at Dartmouth right now, and hopefully it will inspire changes here as well. Love and support from Hanover.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through what you did. It is really so heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope that it leads to increased awareness, and conversation, and big changes in your community. I admire your bravery so much. Your story matters!
I hate to be the one to say it, but for any other story, we would look at it critically and wonder about the other side. At the end of the day, these are serious allegations, sure, and I have no reason not to believe Angie. But, they are allegations. Critical thinking would involve considering the possibility that parts of this story may not be entirely accurate. But not here. We commenters must show everyone how righteous we are. This forum could be a place for meaningful discussion about how to change policy, but instead it's a dressed-up circlejerk (for lack of a better word) where anyone who veers from the line is accused of "blaming the victim" or called a "rape apologist." Rape is serious. Allegations of rape are also. Keep that in mind when you move to stifle discussion. There's a reason the editors of the Amherst Student put "Alleged Sexual Assault" in the headline.
I can also speak to an Amherst culture of unchecked sexual assault, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, racism, and classism. I urge the administration to do everything possible to create a culture of genuine respect for all people on and off campus.
Angie, I wish you all the best with your life and your work, and for reminding Amherst that there are serious issues of violence to address, then and now.
I want to thank Angie for writing down the account of her rape and its long and horrible aftermath. It makes a difference that she has told her story. Thanks also to Biddy Martin for her strong letter in reaction to the newspaper story. We can hope policies and attitudes will change. The attitudes that Angie describes sound unhappily like those one might have found in some parts of Amherst when I was there -- and that was 50 years ago. I (naively) thought that things changed when women came. I thought, I mean, that Amherst was "different."
Hans Bergmann '63
Dean, College of Arts and Science
Professor of English
Quinnipiac University
I can also speak to an Amherst culture of unchecked sexual assault, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, racism, and classism. I urge the administration to do everything possible to create a culture of genuine respect for all people on and off campus.
Angie, I wish you all the best with your life and your work, and for reminding Amherst that there are serious issues of violence to address, then and now.
Thank you for your courage in sharing your story as many of us fellow college students have said above. Hopefully there will finally be some critical scrutiny of the sexual offence policies at our nations institutions. A system should be centered around providing emotional and social support to students rather than saving the college from lawsuit. Much love and support.
It is unfortunate that Angie did not report the rape, because the chances of proving it actually happened are now impossible. And yes, victims with the assistance of the district attorney have to prove that their assailants actually committed a crime.
And yes, so often women do not feel that they can report rape right after it happens because they are so traumatized.
So while I want to believe Angie, there is also the possibility that she was not raped. And if she did name the alleged assailant, she would be obligated to provide proof.
It's a sticky situation but that is our justice system, and thank God for that.
That's just not true. By not giving the guys name out and not trying to trash some guy she had a bad night with, I would consider that decent enough proof. People do fake and lie in this twisted world, but there are also victims. Just because there are boys who cry wolf doesn't mean we should ignore the actual wolves. Angie has gone pretty far to try and help others when nothing can be done about this situation. That's not the trend of a liar.

subset: commoncrawl


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Lewiston Tartan Mystery Solved
The Lewiston Sun Journal has finally gotten to the bottom of the mysterious campaign signs that popped up in Lewiston over the past few weeks.
The signs, which were just rectangles of slightly differing tartan patterns with no identifying information, were apparently the work of Corey Troup, a Republican candidate who was proud of his Scottish ancestry. Troup lost to Margaret Craven by a 50-point margin.
Sun Journal editor Anthony Ronzio provided some analysis of the effort:
[...]campaign signs are to, you know, campaign. Or, at least, get your name out there. Troup's mysterious tartans - though maybe a clever inside joke - were a failure on both fronts.
Then again, so were most Republican strategies in this election. Scott Lansley, head of the Androscoggin County Republican Committee, described the results as "getting our asses kicked."
The whimsical stupidity of this effort aside, it presents an interesting case of the reach of Maine political advertising laws. Most campaign communications must carry a statement identifying the group or individual responsible for their creation and distribution. I guess Troup was able to get away with not identifying his handiwork because the mysterious signs did not "clearly identify" a candidate.


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text: Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums :: View topic - use of shall Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums"The Internet's Meeting Place for ESL/EFL Students and Teachers from Around the World!" FAQ Search Memberlist Usergroups Register Profile Log in to check your private messages Log in use of shall Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums Forum Index -> Learning English View previous topic :: View next topic Author Message muniJoined: 08 May 2003Posts: 176 Posted: Sat May 17, 2003 11:05 am Post subject: use of shall dear friends please tell me when I should use shall .I have read in the grammer that we use shall with "I" and "we",but I have seen that people use will with "I" and "we" for example I will be there or I will miss you so when we use shall ,please help regards muni Back to top budJoined: 09 Mar 2003Posts: 2111Location: New Jersey, US Posted: Sun May 18, 2003 11:35 am Post subject: I almost never hear anyone use "shall." It's so archaic that it sounds pretentious. Except for on a test or maybe while watching an old movie, you can forget about it and use "will" instead. Back to top muniJoined: 08 May 2003Posts: 176 Posted: Mon May 19, 2003 9:46 am Post subject: so I should use "will" with I ,we,he and she. It would not make a difference. thanks for help. Back to top budJoined: 09 Mar 2003Posts: 2111Location: New Jersey, US Posted: Mon May 19, 2003 6:27 pm Post subject: That's right, Muni. I think it's almost universal that speakers say... I will You will He/She/It will We will You will They will Back to top obelixJoined: 09 Feb 2003Posts: 304 Posted: Tue May 20, 2003 4:00 am Post subject: Except for "Shall we dance?" Also, "shall" expresses a more emphatic intention than "will"; as in McArthur's often quoted "I shall return." You also see it used in the Bible and legal statutes to state a command or duty. For instance, in the ten commandments "Thou shalt not kill." "No person shall drive without lights after dark." And so on. Back to top budJoined: 09 Mar 2003Posts: 2111Location: New Jersey, US Posted: Tue May 20, 2003 10:29 am Post subject: Yes! Good point. I amend what I said before with an "almost never." Back to top Display posts from previous: All Posts1 Day7 Days2 Weeks1 Month3 Months6 Months1 Year Oldest FirstNewest First Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums Forum Index -> Learning English All times are GMT - 8 Hours Page 1 of 1 Jump to: Select a forum Student Forums----------------ComputersCurrent NewsCultureEnglish SchoolsFamilyFilm and CinemaFoodHealth and FitnessHelp CenterHobbiesHolidaysLearning EnglishLiteratureMaking FriendsMusicOpinionsPetsScienceSportsThe Strange and MysteriousTOEFL and Other English ExamsTravel You cannot post new topics in this forumYou cannot reply to topics in this forumYou cannot edit your posts in this forumYou cannot delete your posts in this forumYou cannot vote in polls in this forum Dave's ESL Cafe is maintained by the one and only Dave Sperling. Banner Advertising | Bookstore / Alta Books | FAQs | Articles | Interview with Dave Copyright © 2018 Dave's ESL Cafe | All Rights Reserved | Contact Dave's ESL Cafe | Site Map Teachers College, Columbia University: Train to Teach English Here or Abroad Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group


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Buddha Garden
217 E. Atlantic Ave., Delray Beach, 561-450-7557, BuddhaSkyBar.com
Buddha Sky Bar, the year-old pan-Asian fusion hideaway on the third floor next to the railroad tracks amid Atlantic's pageantry, has vertically expanded into the downstairs floors of the former SpoonFed as Buddha Garden.
The same red, gold and chocolate colors unite the two entities, Sky and Garden. But the first floor is more spacious and elaborate even though it retains an intimate feel. Guests may feel transported to Asia in the front-entrance mini lounge with red couches and a grand, serene Buddha fountain centered in a wall of lush plants.
A walk past the wine cellar reveals a graceful cherry-blossom tree in the middle of the dining room that matches the dishware. Mezzanine seating overlooks this area anchored by four red semi-circular booths under an alcove of arches and a LED wall screen displaying scurrying koi. An indoor/outdoor bar with a lighted floor in the dining room bridges to sidewalk seating.
"We've worked hard to train our staff, many of whom have been here from the very beginning," co-owner Chris Licata says. "It's a true family, and we want everyone who visits us to feel like they are a part of that."
Also debuting: an expanded wine list, beers on tap and four new cocktails such as tropical Thai basil margarita ($12). Favorites, such as scallops baked in the shell with blue crab ($14) and black cod miso skewers ($22), are still here.
Dinner is served nightly, and a DJ enhances a lounge vibe until 2 a.m. Friday and Saturday nights. The second floor is reserved for private parties.
52 N. Swinton Ave, Delray Beach, 561-330-3232, Sub-Culture.org/Dada
This quaint historic house with a front-yard oasis is running seasonal dishes until April.
Feeling whimsical? Dip a pork-belly waffle dog into spiced raspberry maple syrup ($9.50) for a kick. Or, start with gazpacho ($5) and kale Caesar salad ($9), perhaps accompanied by three new mojitos: grapefruit, ginger and the razzmatazz with raspberries and Chambord ($10).
Back by popular demand are gruyère fondue with pretzel bread, fruit and veggies ($13), grass-fed filet mignon with surprisingly sweet sautéed kale with shallots and crusty-top potato au gratin ($29.50), and the Chicken Del Rio with avocado, provolone, barbecue black beans and yellow rice ($19).
"We had several pleas to put them back over the year, so we brought them back to the season menu," co-owner Scott Frielich says.
Other seasonal entrées are Sunray Venus clams and pappardelle with basil-sage brown butter ($22) and vegetable flatbread with walnut spread and blue cheese ($15).
Finish with chocolate truffle shuffle or mango streusel cake (both $6).
Some versions of these items are available on the gluten-free menu.
2364 N. Federal Highway, Fort Lauderdale, 954-565-3392, dba2z.com
This 60-seat wine bar and bistro with brick walls, tin ceiling and rustic touches has moved into the former Café Jamm in the Union Planters Plaza.
Photos of New York City reflect the hometown of the owners and Executive Chef Steve Zobel, who most recently headed the East End Brasserie at The Atlantic Resort & Spa.
"We're just trying to be a local neighborhood place. This area is lacking it," co-owner Tom Moynihan says.
Their slogan, "Food for the wandering palate," points to the global and Euro-centric cuisine for dinner and casual American for lunch, such as hamburgers, pastas and wings — with organic hot sauce that will be bottled for sale at a later date.
Seasonal ingredients will drive the frequently changing selections, and full or half portions encourage sharing. Examples of what you might find: grilled chorizo, cranberry beans, roasted tomato, spicy salsa verde and fried egg ($9), ricotta gnocchi with gorgonzola sauce ($11, half; $19, full) and apricot-glazed duck confit, acorn squash crepe and brussels sprouts ($15, half; $27, full).
Lunch is served Tuesday through Friday, brunch on Sunday, and dinner nightly, except Mondays, with plans for outdoor seating and live music.
Casablanca Café
3049 Alhambra St., Fort Lauderdale, 954-764-3500, CasablancaCafeOnline.com
Noah Ffrench, the third executive chef of this 17-year-old beachfront landmark, has been infusing Caribbean/Floridian flavors into the Mediterranean cuisine since he was lured away this summer from the Grateful Palate.
He has changed about half the menu but has retained the signatures served in this charming 1927 historic house. Next on the agenda: enlivening the desserts.
His mark shows in the grilled mahi mahi tacos ($12.95) for lunch, Florida-style ceviche of the day ($10-$12) for lunch and dinner, and grilled Atlantic swordfish with plantain mash and black-bean vinaigrette ($29.95) for dinner.
"Generally I've been trying to feature fresh local fish that you normally don't see on the menu at other restaurants like sheepshead, grunt, Spanish mackerel," Ffrench says. "I like the idea of the customer dining in front of the ocean and eating a fish that is found literally in the waters in front of them."
Other latest additions are bacon-wrapped dates with gorgonzola cream ($7.95), pear and four-cheese fiocchi with prosciutto and macadamia nuts ($9.95), semi-boneless whole grilled rainbow trout with cucumber salsa ($24.95) and braised boneless short ribs with pesto mash and baby carrots ($28.95).
Email news to firstname.lastname@example.com or send to John Tanasychuk, Sun Sentinel, 500 E. Broward Blvd., Suite 900, 9th floor, Fort Lauderdale, FL 33394.


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Sissel Tolaas
Sissel Tolaas is a Norwegian artist who lives in Berlin. She studied mathematics, chemistry and visual arts in Bergen, Warschau, Poszan, St. Petersburg and Oslo, receiving many national and international scholarships. Since 1990 she has concentrated on the language and communication of smell, focusing particularly on the concept of capturing the essence of a city or a place. In the 'Talking Cities' exhibition, (2006) Tolaas worked with the scents of various Berlin districts to create an installation of her urban perfume creations. She is also contributing towards the Liverpool Biennial 'International 06' project. Tolaas lectures at various international universities and has exhibited extensively in Europe, America and the Far East. She is on the board of advisors and consults for Daimler Chrysler Future Lab, Nightingale Associates Ltd, London, International Flavour and Fragrance, New York and the European Institute of Oncology.
Selected Exhibitions and Projects
- 'Migration: Art & Fashion', Capital Européenne de la Culture, Luxembourg, 2007
- 'Metropolitanscape', Turin Palazzo Cavour, Turin, Italy, 2006
- 'Talking Cities - The Micropolitics of Urban Space', Essen, Germany, 2006
- 'Food 4 Stars', Venice Biennale, Venice, Italy, 2005
- 'Scent Systems', London, UK, 2004
- Montpellier Dance Festival, in cooperation with Sasha Waltz Dance Company, 2004
Selected Publications
- Thomas Florschuetz, Rainer Görss, Gero Gries, Ivonne Jokl, Klaus Killisch, Via Lewandowsky, Bettina Munk, Raffael Rheinsberg, Oliver Schwarz, Norbert Stück, Sissel Tolaas, Georg Zey, 'Berlin Art Scene: A Double Mentality', 1991.
- Keaney, Magda, 'The World's Top Photographers Workshops: Fashion & Advertising; Rotovision', October 2007.
- Sissel Tolaas features in a project.


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Catharina Soep
Born: January 3, 1923
Amsterdam, Netherlands
Catharina, called "Ina" by her family and friends, grew up in a religious Jewish household in Amsterdam. Ina's father, a successful diamond manufacturer, was president of the Amsterdam Jewish community. Ina had one brother, Benno, and a sister, Josette.
1933-39: On Sunday mornings and on Wednesdays after my classes at an Amsterdam Montessori school, I went to a private Jewish school where I studied Jewish history and Hebrew. My friends and I loved to meet in the evenings after we'd finished our homework to play records and chat. Then, when we went back home, we'd call each other up as if we'd been apart for months. Or we'd write letters to give to each other at school the next morning.
1940-44: The Germans invaded the Netherlands in May 1940. A few weeks later, I graduated from high school. My family was rounded up in 1943. We were taken to the Westerbork camp in the Netherlands, and eight months later to the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp. In 1944 the Nazis decided to build a diamond industry there, using the connections of Jews who knew the business. Since my father manufactured diamonds, we weren't sent to death camps and we stayed together as a family. When German defeat was apparent, the diamond plan was abandoned.
As the Soviets advanced, Ina and other prisoners were loaded onto trains heading west. Liberated en route by U.S. troops on April 13, 1945, Ina immigrated to the United States in 1951.


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Keith Enderbury, the ALP's former upper house member for the North Coast, died in 2000 inside an Ashfield apartment that his son had set alight. You don't speak poorly of the dead, so he was remembered on the floor of the Legislative Council several weeks later as a ''dedicated parliamentarian'', and one of his career highlights was omitted. On July 19, 1989, Enderbury was the first MP to be called before the Independent Commission Against Corruption.
The latest politician to face the witness box is one of Enderbury's former upper house colleagues, Edward Moses Obeid, OAM. In the 24 years that have passed since Enderbury palmed a bible and took his place in the witness box, not a few others have followed - ICAC has conducted 153 investigations since its inception. But little has changed.
In 1989, a network of graft and patronage had allowed corrupt politicians to solicit bribes and political donations from property developers. In 2012, a very similar network is alleged to have extracted millions of dollars not from small-time builders, but from some of the wealthiest and most successful mining executives in the country. Counsel assisting ICAC told the public last November that while greed was a perennial motive in such affairs, so too was power. ''Circles of influence develop, a favour is done, it requires reciprocation,'' Geoffrey Watson, SC, said. ''That happened here.''
A real difference perhaps is the notable rise in volume. At the heart of the Tweed inquiry was an alleged $25,000 bribe. On Thursday, Eddie Obeid's son Moses admitted the family stood to pocket $75 million from the affair, accepting the windfall was a result of the access he had - through his father - to the disgraced former mining minister Ian Macdonald.
So enduring is this form of alleged corruption that Watson has even likened the conduct of the Obeids and Macdonald to the sleaze of the Rum Corps 200 years ago. In some ways it is a clunky analogy - the NSW Corps was more famous for its 1808 overthrow of Governor William Bligh than for its illicit trade in rum - but in other ways it cannot be more fitting. As he was being deposed, the former premier Nathan Rees bitterly described Obeid as a puppet-master, a man who could usurp an elected leader almost at whim.
And it is this influence - not the money - that makes the affair so sensational. Obeid had access to every premier, every minister, every Labor mayor in Sydney.
His appearance next Monday has been long awaited. Privately, elders in the party and political observers sheeted home to Obeid much of the blame for the landslide which buried the ALP at the 2011 state election. For almost his entire period in Parliament, Obeid focused not on serving the state or even the party, but on serving himself. He cultivated a cadre of loyal, unthinking acolytes in seats and branches across the state, gradually building an unrivalled powerbase.
It seems clear now that he also spent his time and his influence advancing his family's many business interests.
Morris Iemma told the inquiry that when he was the premier of NSW, Obeid would visit his home several times a week. One former cabinet minister remarked that he must have done so because none of Iemma's staff would be standing around to listen. Certainly, Obeid was not shy about lobbying, including - as has emerged in the past year - on behalf of his family's interests.
In July 1990, ICAC found Enderbury had helped to create ''a climate conducive to corrupt conduct'' on the state's north coast. One can only imagine how the commission will choose to describe Obeid's influence on those around him.
The Obeid family first knew it was under scrutiny in November 2011. Early one morning, authorities showed up to the family's offices at Birkenhead Point with a search warrant. They seized everything they could lay their hands on. Since then, as ICAC has put together its case, the Obeids have sandbagged theirs.
The public got its first taste of the family's defence this week. Like so much of this inquiry, it is complex and astonishing. This was how Moses Obeid summed it up on Thursday:
Circles of influence develop, a favour is done, it requires reciprocation. That happened here.
Some time after the family bought Cherrydale Park for $3.65 million in late 2007, it comes to their attention that one corner of the property overlaps with an existing, but dormant coal lease. It is owned by mining giant Anglo American. And it is a concern, Moses Obeid says, because ''the title encroached … a lucrative lucerne growing area and it in fact had water bores beneath the, beneath the area there [and] any drilling on that part of the land would cause major issues for us''.
This is why, in about May 2008, ''Paul [Obeid] and I both agreed that, look, we needed to find out relatively quickly … what [is] the status of Anglo's [lease]''. So Moses asks his father for help. ''Dad had informed me that he was having breakfast one morning with [NSW Labor MPs] Costa, Tripodi, Macdonald and I believe it may have been Roozendaal … and I said look if Macca happens to show up can you let me know because I just want to ask him and query something about an exploration title. He had called me and said, 'Look Macca is coming, he'll be here in 10 minutes, where are you?' and I said, 'Look, I can come down'. I went down there and I asked Ian to step aside.'' According to Moses, in a phone call two weeks later, Macdonald blurts about an upcoming coal licence tender.
But it is from this point, however, a series of events occurred that Moses Obeid struggles to explain. Over the next six weeks, just as Macdonald expresses to his department a new desire to sell remnant coal deposits in the very same area, the Obeids and their friends work on the purchase of adjoining properties. Barely a month after Moses and Macdonald supposedly had their first discussion about the issue of coal, Macdonald, contrary to advice, creates a new coal tenement called Mt Penny, which stretches over all three properties the Obeids would end up controlling.
While Moses and his brothers are organising deals over access rights for this land for mining companies and setting up hidden vehicles to take a share of the companies that will win their bids (in exchange for ''consultancy, assistance and advice''), Macdonald is calling for the creation of a list of mining companies that will be invited, exclusively, to tender for the new coal exploration areas.
The net effect was that on July 9, 2008, Macdonald read a list of mining companies down the phone to Moses Obeid. One of these - Monaro Mining - would go on to win six of the 11 licence areas in the subsequent tender (and would enter a secret agreement with the Obeid family). Watson asked Moses if he could explain these ''incredible coincidences'', but he could not. He says the list was simply those companies investing in coal at the time, which Moses might like to pass on to an investment bank with which he had a relationship.
''I can't say any more other than, other than if if I were a Minister, I would probably do the same thing to entice a very large investment bank to invest in my state.''
ICAC's version of events is far more sinister. ''A relationship of patronage and dependence had grown between Mr Obeid and Mr Macdonald,'' Watson has said. The implication is clear. By sponsoring Macdonald's career, through scandals and sackings, Obeid had succeeded in putting the minister - and his portfolio - seemingly at his disposal.
Rather than inquiring about leases that might threaten the family farm, Watson has alleged Eddie Obeid effectively instructed Macdonald to open up the area for coal mining. Then, with a supply of inside information about the upcoming tender, the family extracted the maximum possible profit from land access deals and by taking an interest in two of the winning companies now worth more than $60 million.
But now - after six weeks of hearings, scores of witnesses and thousands of documents - the inquiry has finally arrived, exhausted, at its star witness. Everyone wants to know: Will ICAC get its man?
There is considerable evidence. Eddie Obeid senior is enjoying material benefit from the same family trust into which millions of coal-dollars have flowed (including a new Mercedes Benz).
He is informed early in the piece about his sons' negotiations with mining companies over the farm (indeed, one document shows an early bid for the farm from Tianda Resources would not meet Eddie's ''expectations''). And he knows his son is in regular contact with Macdonald (he invites him to breakfast with his Labor head-kickers). But is it enough?
Eddie Obeid has already signalled his intention to challenge any adverse finding in the NSW Supreme Court - a popular pursuit ever since Nick Greiner had his corrupt finding overturned not long after the Tweed affair. Joe Tripodi's sister-in-law, Angela D'Amore, a corrupt former Labor MP, has had a go and failed, and Charif Kazal, a nightclub-owner who was found to have corrupted a Sydney Harbour Foreshore Authority official, is suing ICAC.
Enderbury might be an inspiration. After his adverse finding at ICAC, he refused to resign from the upper house until he was good and ready, stepping down in 1995 after the ignominy had faded.
But Obeid might want to consider what it will cost him to survive the inquiry, because if he does, it could be because he has used his sons as a kind of ring-fence, keeping himself an adequate distance from the action.
Of course, in this case, Enderbury might not be the example he wishes to follow.
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