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The Barrow family originally hailed from Westmoreland (now Cumbria) but had been prominent amongst the gentry in the fashionable town of Southwell since the late 18th century.
Richard Barrow Senior (1747-1838) was educated at St John's College, Cambridge and ordained as a Church of England priest in 1770. Having served as a curate in Beverley and Kirkburn, he was appointed to the position of Vicar Choral at Southwell in 1774, a post he continued to hold for sixty four years. In addition to this position, Rev. Barrow also held five livings which brought him an income of a further £452 per year, enough to support a gentleman.
Richard's younger brother, William Barrow (1754-1836), was ordained in 1780 and became the Vicar-General of Southwell in 1821 and Archdeacon of Nottingham in 1830. He married Elizabeth Probyn, the daughter of John Probyn, M.P. for Wiltshire, in 1791.
Richard (Senior) married Mary Hodgkinson, the daughter of a Southwell attorney, in 1778 and the couple had nine children:
George Hodgkinson Barrow (1779 – 1853)
A Southwell solicitor, George married the widowed Elizabeth Mather Lowe in 1805. Elizabeth's father, Walter Mather, had been the proprietor of the Staveley Forge and Iron Works since 1783 and left Staveley to his sons-in-law when he died in 1796.
When her first husband, Edward Lowe, died in 1800, Elizabeth had directed the business in partnership with her brother-in-law, William Ward.
George took over the ground leases from the Duke of Devonshire in 1815 and assumed sole responsibility for the works. His son, Richard Bridgman Barrow, was a J.P. who lived at Sydnope Hall, near Matlock.
George Hodgkinson Barrow built Ringwood Hall, which was completed in 1830.
Mary Anne Barrow (1780 – 1868)
Mary married the Rev. William Lawson at Southwell in 1817.
Arabella Barrow (1782 – 1850)
Arabella never married and lived with her brother William.
William Hodgson Barrow (1784-1876)
William practised as an attorney from 1806 to 1833 and was the Conservative M.P. for South Nottinghamshire from 1851 to 1874.
He was a Fellow of the Royal Agricultural Society, the Royal Botanic Society, and the Archaeological Society and was a Deputy Lieutenant, a J.P. and High Sheriff of Nottinghamshire in 1845. He died unmarried at the age of 91.
John Barrow (1790-1871)
After making his fortune trading as a merchant with his brother Richard, John retired, a rich man, to his estate at Normanton Hall, Southwell in 1840. Burke describes his family as "landed gentry." His son, John James Jerome Barrow was born in Spain and was a Director of the Staveley Coal and Iron Co. His grandson, John Burton Barrow married Helen MacFarlane, daughter of the Rector of Staveley, and was a mining engineer who lived for a time at Ringwood Hall.
Rev James Barrow (1793-1881)
Educated at, and a fellow of, St Johns College, Cambridge, James was the Rector of South Lopham in Norfolk; a living in the gift of his brother George. He married Louisa, daughter of Sir Charles Ware Malet in 1824. His son –in –law, George Darby, and grandsons were also clergymen of the Church of England.
Elizabeth Bullen Barrow (1797 – 1797)
Elizabeth died as an infant.
Sutton Bullen Barrow (1798 – 1875)
Sutton never married and lived in Southwell with her butler and servants.


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futurehack writes:
The next LA.blend meetup is in the works for Saturday December 1st. Everybody is excited for the Blender 2.8 Beta! Let's connect and share new feature tips/tricks, show off awesome personal and professional projects, and socialize with your Blender peers.
Bring your projects on thumbdrive, URL or via cloud credentials and share what you're doing with the group during our Show-N-Tell session. More event information at the following link:

subset: commoncrawl


text: Cape Fear Fitness was designed with you in mind. We are a facility that allows health and self-improvement goals to be met in a comfortable, friendly and motivating atmosphere. Bring in your workout gear and stop in for some exercise fun! Remember, It's your HEALTH Club, and we are here to help you strive to meet your goals.


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Hello! I'm back from my wedding and honeymoon! They were wonderful, and I plan to do a big, full post about each once my life settles down a bit again and I get my professional photos. But here's a teaser for now, from our first dance as husband and wife.
I have so many pagan-related stories to share from both our wedding and honeymoon once I get around to it, I just can't wait to share!
In other news, we made it through Frankenstorm unscathed, and spent Samhain eating a dumb supper in honor of my uncle and my favorite dance teacher, both of whom died in the last three weeks before my wedding. But I don't like the term dumb supper. My husband, sister, and I decided that if we're going to continue the tradition, we will probably rename it "Dinner with the Departed." It makes it sound less dumb. (bah dum, ching!)
But for today, I wanted to respond to a blog post I read while going through catching up on my google reader after returning home. It's P. Sufenas Virius Lupus' post on the Indigeny Debate within Paganism. The question he raises is whether it is correct to refer to Neopaganism as an indigenous religion, as some people do. To inadequately sum up a really good argument, he says that to call us that is to neglect the actual indigenous religions' of the world their indigeny, to ignore the very real difficulties they face in terms of discrimination, and just a flat-out incorrect of the word.
I have to say, I'm with Lupus. Neopaganism is not indigenous. Indigenous beliefs have been the way they are since before anyone can remember. For indigenous groups, their religion is the religion of their forebears, including the immediate one.
Neopaganism doesn't do that. It reacts against the religion of the immediate forebears and attempts to revive, recreation, or reconstruct some variety of pre-Christian, truly indigenous religion. But we don't do it because that's the way it's always been done. We don't do it to reclaim a land that has been taken from us by conquerors. We do it because, more or less, we think that hearkening back to that romanticized past will bring us a better future. Because we think that the modern world, with its belief that everything is better if it's done by a machine that plugs into the wall, is profoundly broken. Modern paganism is a religion that says, at its core, "Screw Progress. Maybe it's better if we leave it behind and become a part of the world that created us. If we remember that time is a circle and that what goes up must come down. Let us assert a radical humanity in this world that is increasingly built around machines." This is not indigeny. Nor is it, as Lupus suggests toward the end of his article, a diasporic faith. We are not hearkening back to our homelands on any kind of massive scale. Yes, there are pagan groups who worship the gods of their ancestral line, but so many people today are mutts like me who can't trace back to any particular group. We are not a group who were spread out over great distances outside of our ancestral homelands. We are people inhabiting a modern world that is smaller than any world in history, and where place is treated as if it's simply a decoration.
We worship the land because it is a radical statement about what we hope the world could be. We don't do it from a diasporic or indigenous place. We don't believe this way or act this way because it was what our parents and grand parents and great grandparents did. We don't do anything because somebody did, we do it because we, personally, want to. We want to make a statement about the meaning of land and locality and stability and cyclical time. It's about a hope that someday our faiths could be indigenous, hundreds and hundreds of years from now. But today, we are a New Religious Movement, because the reaction against modernity that our religion represents is, at its core, a reaction against the status quo. A truly indigenous faith is not usually a reaction against, but a continuance of a tradition that spans as far back as memory.
What do you think? This is a particularly complicated subject, and there are few assertions I've made here that I can see counterarguments to. But I do think it's an important question for us to be asking ourselves, because I think it's easy to try to think of ourselves as indigenous because that's what we want to be, instead of being honest with ourselves that it isn't what we are.


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Tag: Suffolk County Police
Man Found Dead in Miller Place was 'Victim of Violence,' Cops...
A man found the body lying on the sand in front of the Miller Beach Club, police said.
Bridgehampton Teen Charged with Murder in Christmas Shooting
Three others were injured in the shooting.
Cops: Parents Left Children Home Alone Without Food, Heat for 6...
Here's the kicker: According to cops, the parents were staying at a nearby hotel.
Cops Seek Armed Robber in Suffolk Crime Spree
14 businesses have been robbed since Dec. 9.
Flanders Man had 400 Grams of Cocaine, DA Says
He was previously convicted for drug possession.
Woman Killed in Bohemia Motel Shooting, Suspect in Custody
The suspect allegedly fired at police officers trying to enter the room, police said.
Robert Mayer, Dix Hills Husband and Father, Still Missing After 7...
"Someone out there knows something."
Centereach Woman Charged in Fatal Hit-and-run of Bicyclist
Montalvo allegedly fled the scene after striking the 51-year-old bicyclist, police said.
Brentwood Man Found Dead in Road
Police are investigating the circumstance surrounding the death of a Brentwood man found on the road Thursday night.
Huntington Parents Smoked Pot with Child in Car, Cops Say
"Further investigation revealed that Moore and Rice had been smoking marijuana while traveling in the car," police said.


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Are you interested in writing fishing related content for our site? Do you want your words to be read by thousands of daily visitors and get the recognition you deserve? We would love to publish your work and get your name, and work out there!
Pro Fishing Gear Reviews is a fishing gear review and comparison based website and we're always looking for new and interesting articles and topics for our blog. Bring something new to the table, you never know!
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- Post MUST be original and 100% genuine! No spun, rewritten or copied articles. We will be checking every article in CopyScape to verify its legitimacy.
- CopyScape passed article. (Can't Emphasize enough)
- Proper grammar and structure is a must! Can be rejected for poor grammar and will be without hesitation.
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Author Bio
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If you're a product owner and would like for us to cover your product reach out to us for further communication.
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Thanks for your interest!


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The foundation of this étouffée-like dish is a brown roux that lends a deep, nutty flavor. The gravy pairs well with the [Grits Dressing](/recipes/food/views/368277) , biscuits, and turkey.
Low-Cal Thanksgiving
Homemade ginger juice lends complex flavor to this squash purée.
Slice the red beets last and keep them separate until serving so their color won't bleed onto the other vegetables.
Hakurei turnips are a small, delicately flavored Japanese variety that will win over even the harshest turnip critic. If you can't find them, use another small turnip like the Tokyo, or substitute with red radishes. Lo advocates using the whole turnip, from bitter, leafy-green tops to sweet roots.
Lo uses saikyo white miso, a very mild and slightly sweet soybean paste, but any white miso works well in this sweet-and-spicy dish. The brightly flavored sauce makes a great dressing on simply prepared seasonal vegetables. Scallops would also be a good choice.
Serve this Deep South specialty with [Cream Biscuits](/recipes/food/views/368256) .
For this colorful and festive starter, be sure to grate the peel from the tangerines before cutting off the rind and slicing them into rounds.
Not only is our mash low-cal, but it also provides more than a quarter of your daily requirement for cell-building vitamin B6.
**The technique:** When cooked at a high heat, some vegetables take on a deep, nutty flavor and golden brown color. In this recipe, the sugars in the pomegranate molasses enhance the caramelization process. **The payoff:** Caramelized vegetables have that addictive sweet-savory taste and a lovely sheen.
**The technique:** Simmering (to cook at about 185°F) cooks the berries and other ingredients at just the right rate. How to tell if your sauce is simmering? Small bubbles should break the surface around the edges of the pan. **The payoff:** Simmering softens the berries and allows enough time for all of the flavors to meld.
**The technique:** If you can roast other fruit, why not cranberries? High-heat cooking intensifies flavors, no matter what you put in the oven. **The payoff:** Soft and caramelized berries.
**The technique:** High heat equals great flavor—roasting the new potatoes browns and crisps the skin, providing a little bit of crunch. **The payoff:** Hearty potato taste and texture with only 25 minutes of prep.
**The technique:** To show off the tangy freshness of cranberries, don't cook them at all. **The payoff:** Chopping the berries in the processor gives them a coarse texture, which is great alongside the turkey and the trimmings. Plus, the recipe comes together in 20 minutes.
**The technique:** Braising (sautéing, then cooking low and slow in a bit of liquid) is most often associated with meat, but it's also a great way to cook veggies. **The payoff:** Fibrous vegetables like butternut squash are the perfect candidates for braising. The braising liquid infuses the squash with flavor and makes it very tender.
**The technique:** Cooking veggies over moderate heat for a bit longer than you would for a typical sauté helps meld flavors while retaining texture. **The payoff:** Side dishes cooked on the stovetop preserve precious oven space.


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Ring Ring… Chewigem is calling!
Answer With The Chewigem Phone!
A chewable toy phone that's perfect for those people who don't like wearing a necklace or bangle!
It's a pretty great product for even aggressive products and is perfect when paired with the chewipal, which allows it to be attached to buggies, wheelchairs, clothes and belt loops!


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Climate Mobilization and a Sustainable New York City
To mitigate climate change, we need to use energy as efficiently as possible and shift from fossil fuels to renewable energy as quickly as possible. Recently, New York's City Council took a significant step toward reducing the greenhouse gases emitted by the city's built environment. The goal of the bill is to reduce greenhouse gas emissions from buildings 40% by 2030 and 80% by 2050. While in most parts of the United States transportation is the source of most greenhouse gases, in New York City buildings are our main source of emissions. Last week, by a vote of 45-2 the New York City Council enacted the Climate Mobilization Act, a new law that targets greenhouse gas emissions from large buildings. According to Cecelia Smith-Schoenwalder of U.S. News and World Report, the new law:
"…contains six climate measures that address several topics, including greenhouse gas emissions and the feasibility of replacing all oil and gas burning power plants with renewables and batteries. It would also establish a renewable energy loan program, change the city's building code to promote construction of wind turbines and require some buildings to cover their roofs with plants or renewable energy like solar panels or small wind turbines…Roughly 70 percent of NYC's greenhouse gas emissions are attributable to energy usage from its more than 1 million buildings. The legislation would set emission caps that get higher over time for most buildings over 25,000 square feet".
The bill requires large buildings to install new energy efficient heating and air conditioning systems as well as better insulated windows. It also provides financing for buildings willing to invest in renewable energy. As you might expect, the real estate industry opposed the bill, interestingly not because they are against reducing greenhouse gases from buildings, but due to the focus on large buildings. In a recent piece in the Daily News, reporter Michael Gartland quotes John Banks, president of the Real Estate Board of New York who argued that:
"The bill that passed today… will fall short of achieving the 40 x 30 reduction by only including half of the city's building stock. The approach taken today will have a negative impact on our ability to attract and retain a broad range of industries, including technology, media, finance, and life sciences."
Mayor De Blasio has indicated that he will sign the bill, perhaps because some are calling the bill a New York version of a Green New Deal — certainly a talking point for the Mayor in his travels to Presidential primary and caucus states.
The law is a major step forward, but its feasibility will only emerge with time. Estimates of the costs of complying with the law vary and the costs of the building retrofits will be borne by the tenants of the largely commercial real estate targeted. If the local economy is doing well, these costs will be absorbed by business. If the economy is not doing well, it may drive some businesses to less expensive unregulated real estate. It could also impact commercial spaces that are smaller than 25,000 square feet, driving business away from the city's central business districts in Manhattan, Brooklyn and Long Island City.
Like the proposed national Green New Deal, we should look at this law as an experiment well worth undertaking, but also in need of evaluation and mid-course correction if it is either not meeting its goals or causing unanticipated negative impacts. It is important that we focus on the actual impact of these initiatives rather than the symbolic value of sticking it to big buildings, like Trump Tower, that use a great deal of energy.
I believe that New York City is in another of its transition phases and unlike previous transitions, I hope we manage to be self-conscious about the changes now underway. The original New York City was a commercial trading outpost that sent the raw materials of the New World to the European old world. The Erie Canal opened New York's harbor to the agricultural bounty of the American heartland. Then we moved from trading to manufacturing. From the late 19th century to the 1960s we were a manufacturing city, making clothing, beverages and even automobiles.
But then something happened that we didn't notice. Containerized shipping caused our port to become outdated, and our manufacturing base evaporated. Subsidies for suburban sprawl development, crime and racism combined with the declining manufacturing to cause New York's near bankruptcy in the 1970s. But then the city started to reinvent itself. The service economy and tourism grew at a ferocious rate and the new post-industrial New York began to emerge. Symbolic of that change is the High Line park, once a freight train from the docks to the factories, now a promenade of tourists and locals. The docks are gone, the train was abandoned and the factories closed; but the media companies, galleries, universities, medical facilities, tourists and restaurants arrived and are thriving.
Cities like New York are in a global competition for businesses, residents and visitors. We will win or lose that competition based on the city's environmental and social sustainability. Environmental quality, mass transit, public space and the built environment will either attract or repulse people and business. The Climate Mobilization Act is a policy innovation to modernize the energy infrastructure of our large commercial spaces. What we learn from this experiment can then be applied to smaller commercial and residential buildings. The city's energy efficiency and use of renewable energy will ultimately reduce the cost structure of doing business in New York City. The jobs resulting from modernizing our energy system will stimulate the local economy while building important organizational capacity for the operation of our buildings. The new required energy infrastructure will not only need to be installed it will need to be maintained. Someone will have to do that work.
As New York City evolves into a sustainable city, the experience we have in transforming our old energy system to a new one will be valuable, and the transformation itself will make this very old place newer than it looks. Policy experiments like congestion pricing and taking street space and giving it from cars over to bikes, pedestrians and nature, are all part of building an attractive, globally competitive city. Each step needs to be taken with care and rigorously evaluated. Advocates need to be open to the idea that their good ideas might not always turn out as expected. Technology continues to change our economic life. We know that 80% of the American economy is now in the service sector and we know that automation and low-priced communication and information continue to change the way we work and live. Continued technological change will constantly change the physical, cultural, social and economic fabric of life in our cities. We need to assess and understand that change to ensure our cities thrive and serve us.
The Green New Deal places environmental sustainability on the national agenda for the first time in too many years. New York's city and state governments are doing far more than talking about climate change and environmental sustainability — they are doing something about it. Today we celebrate the 49th Earth Day, next year will mark a half-century of remembering the importance of our planet. Many good people have spent many years working to protect the planet. Today, that work is more important than ever.
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Thank you, Steve, for bringing attention to this important package of legislation being adopted by New York City. I agree on many points that you have raised here, but would argue that the real estate industry is not entirely against this. Over the past decade, I have heard from many owners of NYC real estate that have wanted to improve the energy efficiency of their buildings. They understand that these improvements will reduce their operating expenses and increase their property values. These property owners have heard that PACE – or Property Assessed Clean Energy financing was available elsewhere in New… Read more »
Great comments!! As an ex-New Yorker, its great to see leaders showcasing how cities need to aim for 80×50 and, in many other cities, going toward 100% carbon neutrality. Proptech and smart, sustainable cities should be studied more by the real estate community to gain helpful insights as to global trends and use cases of how to go "greener & smarter" without over-investing to maintain attractive investment IRRs.
My sense is that the law will be litigated and potentially concluded to be an unenforceable penalty due to the impossibility of most CRE owners to comply with both the law and the terms of their mortgage loans. Most mortgages against CRE require the borrower to comply with all applicable laws during the term of the loan. But most mortgages against CRE also prohibit Borrowers from taking out secondary financing during the loan term, including PACE loans (which are provided "super-lien" status under law, making them anathema to mortgage lenders). In other words, taking out a PACE loan on top… Read more »
Is this a joke, I am actually laughing, wind turbines on top of buildings?! What will structural engineers say? Giant batteries! Giant batteries are really green! Right ! Where are they putting all this stuff? Ha Ha Ha. Why are certain buildings exempt, shouldn't they all be treated equally!


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Tag Archives: survivor
The Lens Of Victim-hood
Strong People Are Abused Too
Most people who hear of someone being abused think of someone weak. A small child, an adult with low or no self esteem who isn't very intelligent or even mentally or emotionally stunted. Maybe someone who has a very gentle nature, lacking the strength & courage to stand up to an abusive person or thinks that tolerating abuse is the Godly thing to do.
While it's certainly true that people like this are sought out by abusers, they aren't the only ones. Highly intelligent, strong & confident people are also sought out by abusers.
Have you ever heard a story about a wealthy person being charmed by someone who stole most if not all of that person's money? Or, maybe a strong person ended up abused, & turned into an empty shell of their former self not long after marrying their abuser. That person isn't someone you would consider weak, but even so, they clearly were abused.
The natural response most people have is to wonder how this sort of thing happened? They think that person was too smart or too strong to be in this situation, & it doesn't make sense. Their opinion of that person often drops because they feel that person must have been weak or stupid, in spite of how they appeared to be.
Such thinking couldn't be further from the truth!
Abusers are often like prey hunting animals. Sure, they'll hunt the wounded, young & easy prey sometimes. It's there & they need a meal/victim so why pass that up?! But, that doesn't mean they have an aversion to the more challenging prey. If a lion is hungry enough, he'll hunt that healthy & strong antelope even though getting that antelope is a lot of work.
The same thing goes for narcissists. They don't have an aversion to abusing a victim that is more of a challenge. In fact, they enjoy it. Easy victims are good, but conquering someone who is strong, confident & successful is big time narcissistic supply. That challenge makes them feel very powerful. It makes sense in its own dysfunctional way. It shows the abuser they are able to destroy the un-destroyable. They must be powerful to accomplish that, right?!
If you are someone who has suffered abuse, that doesn't mean you are weak. It means the person is an abuser, & often abusers seek out a challenging victim. If you were sought out, that means there is something about you that appealed to the abuser. Your strength, success, intelligence, kindness, faith… whatever it was, it was a good thing to make such a horrible person want to destroy you.
And, if you know someone who has been abused, this also applies to them. That person must possess some very good qualities if that awful person worked so hard to destroy them. That doesn't mean there is something wrong with the victim. Quite the opposite – there is something very right with that person!
Why People Choose To Believe Narcissists Over Their Victims
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What To Watch Out For With Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse
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Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism
Seeing Through The Lens Of Victim-hood
When a person has been abused, they tend to see the world differently than other folks. People like this aren't as trusting as the average person, & with good reason. They have survived some pretty terrible stuff! This isn't necessarily a bad thing, considering how many untrustworthy people there are in the world. However, it can become a bad thing. A good friend of mine once called it "seeing things through the lens of victim-hood." I thought the term made perfect sense.
When a person sees others as out to hurt them with little or no evidence to prove this is happening, it's a bad thing.
Or when a person reads so much into every small comment or action that they see others as out to get them, this is a bad thing.
Unfortunately, it can be very easy to turn out this way after surviving abuse. It can be especially easy to see problems online over face to face contact. Once you've been badly hurt, you obviously want to avoid it again. It's very easy to become hyper-vigilant, seeing abusive behavior everywhere. A person looks at you a bit odd or cracks a joke that isn't like your sense of humor & suddenly you think they're out to hurt you when nothing could be further from the truth. This is no way to live!
Rather than succumb to this miserable lifestyle, change yourself! It is possible! I was this way & managed to change. If I can do it, so can you.
As always, I recommend prayer as the place to start. God can & will help you to make whatever changes you need. He also will show you what you need to do. Why not let Him?
Also slow down when a situation happens. Respond, don't react. Responding isn't instantaneous. It requires time to consider the situation. Reacting is instantaneous & done in the heat of emotions. Reacting often happens when seeing situations through the lens of victim-hood. Give yourself time to consider the situation before you respond.
Don't automatically assume that your knee-jerk reaction is correct. Consider it. Question it. Slow your thoughts down for some time & ask yourself why you think the way you're thinking. Is there evidence to back up what you believe is happening? What is that evidence? Are there red flags that show you this person isn't safe, such as a lack of empathy for example? Write it down if it helps. Writing can help you to see things clearly, often more clearly than speaking or thinking about things.
Think too about the person in question. If this is someone you know well, you will know what this person is & is not capable of. You know if this person is safe or not. Ask yourself, is it likely this person is out to hurt me or not?
If you want advice, don't talk to someone else about the situation in a way that will get them assuming the worst about this person. If they believe you, they will only feed your fear. They'll automatically respond to your fear with fear, especially if this is someone you're close to. If you want to talk about your situation with someone safe, that's totally fine. An objective opinion can be a truly great thing! Just make sure you say things in such a way that the person who you're speaking with can form their own opinion. Say things like, "I think this person is looking to hurt me in some way.. what do you think?" then state the facts without emotion. Let this person form their own opinion if you want their best advice.
Just remember, Dear Reader, not everyone is abusive. Not everyone wants to cause you pain & suffering. Pray & seriously consider the situation so you can respond to it appropriately, rather than reacting because you're seeing it through the lens of victim-hood.
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About Victims Of Narcissistic Abuse
Since my last post was about red flags in those who write about narcissism, I thought I'd make today's post about fellow survivors.
Most people who have survived narcissistic abuse are good people who are trying hard to recover. Naturally they have issues, but at least they're working on them & working on getting healthier. They also are willing to share what they learn to help others in similar situations, & do so without any arrogance. They're also open to input from other people, because they realize they don't know it all- there is always more to learn on this topic.
Not every victim is this way, however. Some turn abusive.
I don't know why some victims try to heal & why some become abusive but it does happen sometimes. If you're going to interact with other victims through online support groups, reading blogs or on social media, you need to be aware of some red flags.
The biggest red flag to watch out for is narcissism. Many of you know the signs already so I won't repeat them here. I'll just share a link to the page on my website where I wrote about it if you care to check it out: http://cynthiabaileyrug.com/Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder.php
There are other red flags, too. If a person gives advice too freely, for example. While most victims want to help others, they also realize how rude it is to give unasked for advice. They also realize sometimes a person just needs to speak things out loud to help them work through a situation, & that doesn't mean they're looking for advice.
If a person is bossy or demanding with their advice, that's another red flag. Most people realize that all people are individuals. What worked for them may not work for another. They realize it's not a good idea to try to force someone to follow their advice & let the other person decide for themselves whether or not to follow it.
Your average victim of narcissistic abuse also isn't judgmental or critical. They know all too well what it feels like to be judged & criticized so harshly, so they don't inflict that on anyone else. Some victims turned abusers, however, can be extremely judgmental & critical.
Some victims also become very arrogant. They seem to think because they found success in doing something that helped them, that everyone should follow in their footsteps & if they don't, they're foolish.
These same people are also usually the first ones to shame people who, "don't just go no contact." They make it clear they don't believe there is any reason not to go no contact, & they offer no compassion to anyone who wants to but it unable to or is trying to find another option.
Abusive victims also make excuses. If they are short with someone, it's always for a reason like they're having a bad da, as one example. They don't apologize or accept responsibility for the hurtful things they do.
And, if you call a person like this out on their actions, they WILL be furious. They may offer a non apology. They may offer lame excuses for their behavior. They also may get mad at you. That in particular is a big red flag, because most victims of narcissistic abuse apologize easily & often. They don't get mad when called out on their bad behavior. They usually get mad only when someone is accusing them of something they didn't do.
One other red flag is a smear campaign. This is very common on social media. If someone feels the online support group they participated in wasn't a good environment for example, social media is an easy way to let the world know how you feel about it. That is pretty normal behavior, I think, but if a person posts about that group in a way that really trashes it, that is a red flag.
The last red flag is stalking or harassing another person online. With your average victim of narcissistic abuse, they may have a dispute with someone then either stop speaking with them or even block them entirely. A victim who is also abusive however, may harass or stalk someone who disagreed with them. They may leave nasty comments on their page or join groups the other person is in & harass them in the group. This nonsense can go on for a very long time, especially with narcissists.
The best advice I can give in these situations is the Gray Rock method. Don't react to their outrageous behavior or show them that what they do bothers you. Remain calm & ignore their behavior. Don't defend yourself to their smear campaigns. Instead, simply block them wherever you can. Most people like this will get bored easily & leave you alone at this point. Narcissists may not be so simple to get rid of however. They may bother you for a long time. Never, ever respond to them- instead keep blocking them & their flying monkeys.
39.090440 -76.557356
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism
On Survival Mode
In the past several months since my parents have stopped speaking to me, I've gained quite an education.
One thing I've learned is about survival mode. Survival mode is a way of behaving in an abusive situation. Basically, your emotions are shut off & you do whatever you need to in order to get through the awful situation. Barely speaking so as not to say something that upsets your abuser, for example.
I've learned that survival mode doesn't necessarily end when the relationship ends. In my case, my parents didn't say outright that they never wanted to speak to me again- they just stopped calling me. I think that is why I stayed in survival mode for months after our last conversations, I didn't know for sure if they'd call or not. When I realized months had passed since I've heard from them (11 for my mother, 4 for my father to date- not her longest silent treatment, but it is his) only then did survival mode end. This happened with my in-laws too. I stopped speaking to them in 2002, but survival mode didn't end for months after.
I think this means that the brain wants to be completely, 110% sure that the abusers are gone before it can relax. Survival mode is all about protecting you, so it makes sense the brain would want to be absolutely certain all danger is gone before it exits survival mode.
I've also learned that once survival mode is gone, emotions come out. Naturally when you're in survival mode, your emotions get put on the back burner because you're focused only on surviving. Once the danger is gone, emotions come to the surface, including ones that have been suppressed for a long time. It can feel overwhelming especially when you haven't dealt with them for a very long time. However, I firmly believe it's necessary to deal with them.
Without the burden of focusing on survival, I feel like I'm noticing every little thing. Unfortunately, part of that includes triggers. They seem to happen constantly. The other day, I saw a TV show where this lady's son in-law cheated on her daughter. Although the daughter forgave him & he promised to mend his ways, the mother still was very upset. When she told her son in-law that there is no pain worse than watching your child suffer & you not being able to fix it, I flashed back to the fight I had with my parents last May. My father changed the subject to really odd topics to deflect my yelling at him. My mother sighed an obviously bored sigh as I cried & yelled at her until I gave up & told her if she had anything to say before I hang up, do it now. Her chance to apologize turned into her whining about having vertigo (for the record, I have it too- yes, it sucks, but you'd think when your normally calm, rational daughter is that upset, that might just take priority..). I realized that caring parent isn't something I'll ever have, & it hurt me enough to make me burst into tears, something I rarely do.
In order to handle these experiences, I rely on God a LOT. I tell Him how I feel & He reassures me, comforts me & explains what's happening. He also shows me things that help. For example, I can be scrolling through Facebook when a meme or article that pertains to my situation pops up, & the information in it is very helpful to me.
I also write in my journal- seeing things written out is a good way to gain clarity. Not sure why that is, but it's true. Seeing events written out as well as my feelings has helped me to see the situation clearer, instead of through the eyes of someone whose views are skewed hurt by narcissistic abuse.
Talking about things with a safe person is helpful too. I've told my husband some of what's been going on. Sometimes, he gets angry or looks completely shocked by things I've shared about my parents. That lets me know it's not normal! When you grow up with narcissists, abuse & bizarre is your normal. Even as an adult, it can be hard to let go of that & embrace the healthy & good things. Having someone you love & trust say that certain things were wrong or bizarre is helpful in letting go of those bad beliefs.
Dear Reader, if you too have been in survival mode for a long time, these things may happen with you too. Or maybe they're happening already. If so, please rest assured that you are fine! It may not feel that way but you are. Ending survival mode is truly a good thing. Your mind & body finally can relax, & you can deal with those long buried emotions.
The Butterfly Project
Recently I was inspired to create something to help inspire those who have suffered narcissistic abuse. (Well, ok, I stole the idea but with full blessings of the creator of it. lol)
I started making origami butterflies that I will be glad to give away to anyone wanting one. The premise behind this is to remind victims of narcissistic abuse that they are like the butterfly- they may have entered a dark lonely place (narcissistic abuse) like a caterpillar entering the chrysalis, then like the butterfly, they emerged beautifully. Just because they were once stuck in that place didn't mean that they would stay that way forever.
My hope is that these little butterflies also will help to raise awareness of narcissistic abuse & the serious damage it causes.
For further information & to learn how to get one, please click the link below.
39.090650 -76.557311
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Narcissism
How Long Does It Take To Recover From Narcissistic Abuse?
I have been asked quite a few times how long it takes to recover fully from narcissistic abuse. I believe it to be a lifelong battle, unfortunately. However, I don't want to discourage you with that, because there is good news. Although it can be a lifelong battle, it does get easier!
You will stumble sometimes, but even so, you are constantly getting stronger as you heal. The more wisdom you gain about NPD & the effects of its abuse, the more strength it gives you. You finally realize it wasn't your fault, & that you're suffering the normal effects of abnormal treatment.
The dark times of depression come less frequently & don't last as long when they come.
There are times you feel stuck, as if you are always going to be depressed, anxious, or feel like you're going crazy. But, the longer you have been healing, the less frequently those times happen. They, like depression, won't last as long on the rare occasions when they happen.
Your self-esteem soars. Sure, sometimes you may backslide into feeling like the worthless piece of garbage your narcissistic mother always said you were, but at least that isn't how you constantly feel anymore. They're merely fleeting moments. When you realize this dysfunctional thinking is happening, you remind yourself that isn't true. Healthy self-esteem also stops the dysfunctional people-pleasing at your own expense ways many children of narcissistic parents possess.
You try to practice good self-care rituals- prayer, relaxing activities, participating in fun hobbies. Granted, sometimes you let your schedule get too busy, but the healthier you become, the quicker you are to realize this mistake & make the appropriate changes.
I want to encourage you today, Dear Reader, to change how you think about your recovery. While it may be a lifelong battle with no definite end, try to focus instead on the good that comes during your healing. Focus on each baby step, every bit of progress you make. Your narcissistic mother tried to destroy you, but she didn't! You are like a phoenix rising from the ashes. Little by little, you are getting healthier & happier. Maybe right now you aren't where you want to be, & feel like you have a long way to go. How about instead focusing on how far you have come? You are no longer that wounded, dysfunctional little child, but instead are a grown woman who is getting stronger & healthier each day!
Is Discussing Narcissistic Abuse Too "Negative"?
Recently, I was told what I write about is too negative. I'm sure many of you have heard similar things for talking or writing about your experiences with narcissistic abuse. I'm writing this for you, Dear Reader. I hope it helps you. xoxo
I'll admit, the main topic of my writing, narcissism & narcissistic abuse, aren't exactly positive, happy topics! I'll also admit that sometimes, it gets to me, writing about such dark things. That being said, I will continue to write about what I write about for several reasons.
To start with, I believe this to be a calling from God, & I take any calling from Him very seriously. Everyone has a calling, usually several during the course of their lives. Ephesians 4:11-13 states, "And His gifts were [varied; He Himself appointed and gave men to us] some to be apostles (special messengers), some prophets (inspired preachers and expounders), some evangelists (preachers of the Gospel, traveling missionaries), some pastors (shepherds of His flock) and teachers. 12 His intention was the perfecting and the full equipping of the saints (His consecrated people), [that they should do] the work of ministering toward building up Christ's body (the church) 13 [That it might develop] until we all attain oneness in the faith and in the comprehension of the [full and accurate] knowledge of the Son of God, that [we might arrive] at really mature manhood (the completeness of personality which is nothing less than the standard height of Christ's own perfection), the measure of the stature of the fullness of the Christ and the completeness found in Him." (AMP)
Also, writing about what I learn helps me to make sense of the things I have gone through, as well as to help others to do the same. So many who have suffered with narcissistic abuse are struggling to make sense of it all. I can help a little by sharing my experiences as well as what I have learned.
Writing about things also helps to loosen the hold the abuse has on me. By being open about things, I am losing the shame I once felt for being abused, & am able to see more & more how none of it was my fault. This not only helps me, but enables me to get the message to other victims that being abused is NOT their fault.
It also helps to make my pain count for something. Knowing I am able to help other people means my pain was not in vain. Something good has come from something horrible!
Also, by being open about the taboo topic of narcissistic parents, it helps to raise awareness of this insidious, evil form of abuse. It makes it safe for victims to talk about it with other victims instead of quietly suffering alone. So many are afraid to talk about what their mother did to them, because so many people put mothers on a pedestal. People make victims feel guilty for being abused, as if it was their fault! They can't seem to grasp that a mother would abuse her child. Certainly the child must be exaggerating. Of course the mother made mistakes- no one is perfect- & the child should forgive the mother. And, let's not forget "honor thy mother" seems to mean "allow thy mother to abuse you" to many people. Because of people like this, as well as the ignorance surrounding Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there needs to be more awareness of this horrible phenomenon.
Don't let anyone quiet you for talking about your experiences with your narcissistic mother, father, sibling, grandparent, friend, spouse or co-worker. You aren't being negative by discussing your experiences. And, chances are, by discussing them, you are not only helping yourself to process your horrendous experiences, you are also helping to enlighten others who need to hear your story! So be open- talk about it!
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Narcissism, Writing
You Are Stronger Than You Think!
Have you ever thought about what you have been through in your life? I mean, really thought about the things that you have made it through?
If not, I challenge you today to do this. I did this recently. A bad night full of awful nightmares, making me feel the same hurt, anger, anxiety & fear I have felt many times in my life triggered this. I realized that I have been through some really horrible things & I survived them all remarkably well!
I have survived having a narcissistic mother who physically hurt me, who tried to destroy the person I am & make me into whatever she wants me to be, who has betrayed me repeatedly, who used me more times than I can count, still tries to gaslight me to this day, & who hates everything about me. I also survived an ex husband who was much like my mother in how he treated me, constantly gaslighting me, trying to isolate me from my family & friends & morph me into somene he thought I should be instead of accepting who I was. I've survived a narcissistic mother in-law & two sisters in-law who hate me & have not exactly made a secret out of that. (Well, with me anyway- they all have put on a good show in front of others, especially my husband.) They also have done their best to cause problems between us, so it's amazing we are still married. All of these awful things are in addition to the more common problems everyone has in life such as losing loved ones, financial problems & such. When I thought about it, I realized that I am one tough chick! I also realize that without God, I wouldn't have survived the things I've been through as well as I have. In fact, to be totally honest about it, I probably would've killed myself years ago. I certainly thought about that enough. Yes, I have problems such as the C-PTSD, but I'm still alive & doing pretty well under the circumstances.
Thinking about all of this has given me a peace & strength I hadn't felt before. It showed me how strong I am, with God's help, & how well I can handle crises. It feels good!
What about you? What have you experienced in your life that should have destroyed you? I want to encourage you today to celebrate those victories! Be proud of the things that you have overcome! OK, so you aren't perfect- no one is! But, you got through & are thriving! You keep pressing on, & try to be a good person. That is much more than so many others do. Many abused people go on to abuse others. They don't have the "umph" inside to break the cycle, to face their pain. But you do & that is something you should be very proud of!
Are You A Victim, Survivor Or A Conquerer?
Good afternoon, Dear Readers!
I was reading something yesterday that said something like (I forget the exact wording), "You're not a victim- you're a survivor!" Although that sounds great at first read, I think it also can be a shaming message.
First of all, if you've been abused, you are a victim. Period. Nothing can change that. There is no shame in being a victim. The shame belongs to the abuser, not the victim who had no say in being abused.
Second, you always will be a victim of the abuse. That doesn't mean you spend every waking moment thinking or talking about the abuse- it simply means that something terrible happened to you. You were a victim of someone else's cruelty & bad choices through no fault of your own.
Third, the message that I have felt from such quotations is that you are to be strong, & don't let what happened affect you anymore. Well, that isn't very realistic! If you have survived abuse in any form, especially ongoing abuse such as at the hand of a parent or spouse, it always will affect you to some degree. You may be living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder & barely functioning each day, or you may function well, but be very cynical in how you judge people, or somewhere in between, but you will be affected in some way, shape or form by what happened. No one escapes abuse unscathed.
What I am trying to say is be balanced in how you view yourself. While yes, you are a victim, you have survived, & hopefully thrived. Even so, there may be some bad days where you feel more like a victim than a survivor, & that is OK! It happens to everyone, & is a natural effect of living through abuse. You can't feel like a tough survivor every single day.
Personally, I prefer to use the term "conquerer." A conquerer is strong, which is what survivors of abuse are as well. We find the strength to escape the abuse, then to heal, often with little or no support from others. Sometimes, it takes every ounce of strength we can muster to get out of bed in the morning, but somehow we find that strength & do it anyway. We resist the inclination to become bitter, uncaring or even abusive, & are loving to others as well- that takes a great deal of strength & courage. (So many abusers were abused themselves, yet didn't have the strength to break that cycle.) Conquerers are also imperfect. While great conquerors have won many battles, they also lost many, many soldiers in these battles. They also made very serious mistakes, some even leading to their downfalls. Yet, they remained passionate fighters. If these phrases don't describe someone who has survived abuse & is fighting to heal, I don't know what would.
I would like to encourage you today to think about how you view yourself.
Share Your Story!
Good morning, Dear Readers!
I just wanted to remind everyone about the book I'm working on. It will be available for free in ebook format. I'm thinking of entitling it, "Broken But Still Beautiful" or something like that. The topic is how God helps people who have been abused to heal. I want to encourage people that no matter what they have survived, God still has a purpose for them, & wants to help love them through their pain.
No matter what stage of healing you are in, I want your story. Even if you are still being abused, your story can be encouraging to someone, because it will show others that God is always there, even during the darkest times.
I know sharing details of abuse is painful. When I wrote my autobiography, "Emerging From The Chrysalis", it was among the most painful experiences of my life. However, I felt it was a necessary thing to do. This book also, I feel is necessary. I also want to assure your annonymity by encouraging you to use fake names when you share your story. No one needs to know this is your story- just knowing someone has survived something painful with God's help will encourage others.
Please pray about sharing your story for inclusion in this book. If you want to see more details, check out this link: Making A Difference
Or, you can email me at email@example.com
Complex PTSD Bill Of Rights
I think I am pretty typical of a daughter raised by a narcissistic mother. Like many children of narcissists, I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which means I fight depression, anxiety, insomnia & agoraphobia every day. I am constantly over-aware of the emotions of people around me, on the guard against potentially being hurt (hypervigilance) & have flashbacks & nightmares. I also have a list of insecurities a mile long, I don't trust people easily, & I expect nothing less than perfection from myself, partly so as not to be a burden anyone.
Because of that feeling of I should be perfect, it has made the C-PTSD even more difficult than it already is. My own husband doesn't even know how hard it is sometimes, because I don't tell him much. I can't burden him with my petty problems, after all. *sighs* I also never have had anyone take care of me, so I have become so accustomed to taking care of myself & my own problems. Leaning on him is almost completely impossible for me. This also means I even have trouble talking to God about it, & asking for His help.
Anyway, I was thinking recently about this & I have no doubt I'm not the only person with C-PTSD like this. I decided to write up a
C-PTSD Bill Of Rights- something I could look at to remind myself I don't have to be perfect all the time. I thought I would share it here.. I hope it helps you too! ❤
C-PTSD Bill Of Rights
- I have the right to talk to God about my struggles and my pain. He understands, and will help me as no one else can. He is not angry with me or disappointed in me for having C-PTSD. He loves me no matter what.
- I have the right to have a bad day sometimes. When living with this disorder and working on healing, there will be very good and very bad days- that is completely normal.
- I have the right to talk about my pain and frustrations with supportive, loving, caring people.
- I have the right to accept my limits. Sometimes my best may not be very good no matter how hard I try. (Remember- PTSD causes physical changes in your brain. You are going to forget things sometimes or have difficulty regulating your moods or even finding the right words. This doesn't mean you are crazy or stupid- it means you have C-PTSD.)
- I have the right to say no.
- I have the right to ask for help.
- I have the right to walk my own individual walk with this disorder. My journey will not be like everyone else's. That does not make me right or wrong- it makes me an individual.
- I have the right to remember painful events from the past. I can learn from the past, and it has made me who I am today. (Remembering the past is NOT the same as dwelling on the past, not letting things go, etc.!)
- I have the right to give myself the gift of forgiveness. Not to erase the horrible things done to me, but because I deserve better than carrying around anger and bitterness inside of me. I also need to understand that forgiving my abuser(s) does not mean I will be healed completely- there is some damage that must be worked on, even when complete forgiveness has happened. I also must forgive myself for any wrongs I have committed.
- I have the right to take care of myself. I must not only take care of my body but my mind as well. That may mean reducing daily activities or taking more time off. Self-care is vital to my mental health. I must do this for myself as well as those who love me. They deserve the best me I can give them.
- I have the right to reject unnecessary negativity and drama in my life, in all its forms, as much as possible to protect my mental health.
- I have the right to be who I am, the person God created me to be, no matter who approves or disapproves of me. Just because I have a mental health issue does not mean I am not still a valuable member of society.
- Other people have the right not to understand what I am experiencing. That does not give them the right to mistreat me, however, and I have the right not to tolerate their mistreatment of me.
- Other people have the right to ask me questions about C-PTSD. I have the right to answer those questions or not, depending on my ability to answer them, and depending on how I feel God wants me to respond.
- I have the obligation to make my pain count for something. God is not into waste, and I am not either! I have the obligation to ask God how to use this pain for His glory. He may call me to raise awareness of C-PTSD, help create stricter laws against child abusers, write books or something entirely different. Whatever He asks of me, I always have the right to say no to- He will not love me any less. However, doing what God asks of me will not only bless others, but me as well. God will reward my faithfulness.
September 15, 2013
Good afternoon, Dear Readers..
I'm sorry for being missing in action the last few days. It has been a very difficult week for me for several reasons. I had a challenging lunch with my parents on Wednesday. As I mentioned in my last entry, my friend's kitty was kidnapped, which just breaks my heart. I also ended a friendship of several years, because this "friend" yet again trivialized & invalidated my mental health issues. I like her, but just cannot tolerate her ignorance & lack of compassion any longer. Then Thursday, a storm moved through, taking down a huge part of a tree in my yard! Thanks to God, the part of the tree that fell, fell in the opposite direction from my home & car, only taking out our ugly old chain link fence! I saw the limb falling, & taking a part of another tree with it. Well, sort of- the rains were torrential & the wind was gusting, distorting my view. It was absolutely terrifying! If that limb had fallen on my home, it could have killed my family & I! All of this has made the Complex PTSD flare up. Hardly a big surprise, huh? lol
So now you know why I haven't been around lately.. now, back to my blog..
My husband & I were talking night before last about the friendship I ended. I told him I believe that even though she mentioned once that she was abused as a child too, she never dealt with that. Maybe by me being open about my issues, on some level it reminds her that she has not done it. She instead has buried her pain, & never says anything but good things about her parents. Maybe that is why she has felt the need so many times to belittle me, tell me to "get over it," or say "this too shall pass." I'm not positive about this, I am only guessing. My husband said that sometimes people just don't have time for the pain, or it's too painful to face. I don't understand this logic at all.
While healing is a painful process, & often a lifelong process, it is so much easier than continuing to live in dysfunction! Yes, I currently live with constant depression, anxiety, mood swings beyond my control, anger sometimes, nightmares, insomnia, repressed memories returning to the surface & flashbacks, I realize it could be worse! Before I began to face my issues resulting in being abused, things were much worse. I attracted so many dysfunctional & abusive people into my life. I had no self-esteem at all, so I allowed these people to use & abuse me. It was so bad, I even left a man I cared deeply for, & married a man I didn't love because he said I should marry him. I also never spoke up to anyone who was verbally abusive to me, or had or enforced healthy boundaries to take care of myself. I was constantly angry, hurting, feeling guilty for not living up to whatever people said I should be, & was suicidal for most of the first 25 years of my life. I did not know myself at all, so I allowed others to mold me into what they wanted me to be. I was deeply ashamed of myself just for being me- for looking the way I do, for liking things I liked, etc. Worst of all, I feared constantly that I was insane, because I heard so often I was crazy & so many things were wrong with me. Usually I heard this after confronting an abuser on abusive behavior. I was told I was crazy for being angry that they told me I was fat, ugly, or stupid. I "needed psychological help" because I remembered things the way they really happened, rather than agreeing with a person practicing "gaslighting" to convince me their lies were true.
If you too are going through emotional healing, rest assured it is a good thing! I know it's hard, but you are working on your healing! That is a wonderful thing! It is so hard, I know, but it is so much easier than continuing to live in the dysfunction. Make a list if you don't believe me- make a list of how you were before you started healing compared to how you are now. You WILL be surprised!! God bless you & I love & am praying for you!
September 3, 2013
Hello, Dear Readers! I just wanted to let you know that my latest book, "You Are Not Alone!" (for adult daughters of abusive/dysfunctional mothers) is now available in paperback on amazon!
And, it is available on smashwords if you prefer an ebook version..
August 22, 2013
I try to be positive or educational in my posts here, but today, I am angry for a couple of reasons. Be forewarned- this post may be longer than usual.
I saw this article the other day on facebook I wanted to read, but didn't get back to it & unfortunately now I forgot where I saw it. It was about how much responsibility is put on victims of abuse rather than on the abusers. I only read about a paragraph- a short preview of it. It said that we're told we have to stop calling ourselves victims & instead say "survivors." We're told we need to get over what happened to us & empower ourselves. Things like this. For a long time now, these phrases have irritated me & I never realized why. The preview answered that for me- it said these things put all the responsibility on the victim & none on the abuser. While yes, it is true it is up to a victim to heal & move on, when do the abusers get called out on their behavior? Not as often as they should be! How many people are told to be the bigger person with their verbally abusive mother in-law & just ignore her bad behavior while not saying anything to the nasty mother in-law or even making excuses for her? How many rapists aren't even labeled a rapist because he "only" pressured his girlfriend into sex until she gave in rather than holding a gun to her head? How many people who have committed suicide were called cowards for "taking the easy way out" while those who pushed them to such a desperate point are not confronted? While I'm not saying as a victim of abuse of any type, we shouldn't try to heal or blame all of our problems on being abused, I am saying there needs to be a balance! The abuser should be blamed for being abusive in the first place! That person had a choice- to abuse or not to abuse. They made a bad choice, & there is nothing anyone could have done to push them to that point. It is all on them. They deserve the blame for abusing you!
The other thing that has me angry today is the lack of compassion for those of us with mental illness. I am utterly fed up with this! I have heard so many times that I need to "get over it" or "stop living in the past." Yes, I have Complex PTSD, which means I have flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety & agoraphobia. However- this does NOT mean I'm living in the past! This means I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life- enough to cause physical damage to my brain that resulted in C-PTSD, including all of its ugly symptoms.
And, as early as this morning, I was "teased" about being "stressed" about seeing someone that causes me tremendous anxiety. This is not the first time this sort of thing has happened. It's as if she thinks I have no right to feel this anxiety or have the problems I have. She trivializes my problems & magnifies hers. Never mind she has not been abused, & has no clue what I have lived through, her problems are always worse & I should just get over mine. Meanwhile, I am having a terrible time trying to write this blog entry because all the anxiety I've experienced the last few days has left me unable to sleep well & not able to think very clearly.
My point of all this griping is we really need to have compassion on each other! Whether you have experienced abuse or not, when dealing with someone who has, please, for the love of God, be patient, supportive & understanding! Keep your opinions to yourself unless you are asked, & think before you speak. Choose your words wisely. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes & understand how she or he is feeling. I wrote some tips on how to help someone who has been abused on my website. Here is the link…
Thank you for listening to me rant this morning. I pray you will be blessed & maybe even learned a little from my rantings.. 🙂
August 7, 2013
I finished the print version of my latest book today!!! I am waiting for the proof copy to arrive so I can approve it, then the book goes onto amazon & other online book sellers. You can find it at this url:
Tomorrow, I'll work on creating the ebook version. Will post when that is available…
June 29, 2013
Happy Saturday, Dear Readers! 🙂
I just thought I'd let you know that I have finally finished redoing my website. Not a lot of changes, but a few. Go check it out:
I still can't believe the external hard drive crashed & I lost the site *sighs* but at least it's online & fully functional again. Now to get back to the latest book, "You Are Not Alone!" There isn't much left to do on the book.. more editing, then designing the covers & off to the publisher it goes before promotion. As soon as the publisher has the book, it will be available for purchase in ebook form as well as print on my website. I'll announce it here, & it should be happening in the next few weeks, barring any further setbacks.
Thank you everyone for your patience & understanding!
March 13, 2013
Good morning, Dear Readers!
Today's post is about PTSD & Complex PTSD. I think most people are pretty familiar with PTSD, but not necessarily Complex PTSD. To give you some insight into this awful problem, the criteria for diagnosis can be found at this link:
I have a couple of questions to pose to you today…
- For other suffers of Complex PTSD or PTSD, what is your favorite way to self-care when recovering from stressful events?
- Also, how do you stop beating yourself up (emotionally) for being less able to handle stress than you once were?
I'm asking because I have C-PTSD, & I have only recently learned that was my problem. I've always had to be "the strong one," & the one not allowed to be upset for fear of upsetting others in my life. I am trying to embrace the fact that I am not as strong as I once was, while still trying to get healthier & break the dysfunctional old thinking habits. I'm also trying to rid myself of the "lazy" label I've heard all my life & accept the fact that self-care isn't being lazy, it's a matter of being mentally healthy.
So far, I have learned it's time to remind myself that I am ok! I have had normal reactions to extremely abnormal & abusive situations I've experienced. But, I have to remind myself of this constantly. It just seems like there must be something else to do. And, as for self-care, I love knitting & spending time with my wonderful furkids, but I'm looking for other ideas just for variety.
I apologize for not offering advice today & instead seeking it. I'm just tired- yesterday was a very stressful day, so today I'm not feeling up to par. I'm just tired of feeling like this & while I know there is no easy fix, any different approach to it would be worth a try in my book! Besides, maybe your suggestions could help others with these horrible disorders.
Thank you in advance for your input! Have a wonderful day! 🙂
March 2, 2013
Good morning, Dear Readers! I hope this post finds you well today!
I had an "ah ha" moment last night. Thought I'd share- maybe it'll benefit some of you readers, too.
Lately, my hubby's been in a foul mood. Lots of stress plus he's really missing our dog. When he's with me, I realize I've been feeling weird, like I have to just stay out of his way, & not bother him with any "trivial" aspect of my life. I've been wondering what that's about, but didn't think much on the topic. So last night he came home from his parents' house in a good mood. First time that's ever happened since we've been together (18+ years). I felt much more relaxed & my mood improved.
So while I couldn't sleep last night & all was quiet, I was thinking about this & wondering what that was all about. I prayed about it & immediately, I got my answer…
Growing up, I felt I had to be "invisible." Have no needs, emotions, not talk unless talked to, etc. Only time I was allowed to not be was when I was needed by my parents, like when they had a fight & wanted my advice. I had to be even more invisible when they were in bad moods, especially my mother. I had to just stay out of her way. Being invisible wasn't too bad to me if they were in good moods, but bad moods? I couldn't be invisible enough!
I've taken this behavior into adulthood, into my marriage, without even realizing it. So when my husband has been in a foul mood lately, I've automatically reverted into being extra invisible. When his mood improved last night, I could relax some.
I hope this all makes sense- I haven't been sleeping well lately & am really tired! I also hope & pray this helps other children of narcissistic parents.
Have a wonderful day, Dear Readers, & do something nice for yourself today!!
October 27, 2012
Ok, Dear Readers, "Emerging From The Chrysalis" is now available for ebook download or in print!!!!! It was published in print last night & ebook came out today (technical difficulties). I am excited! Here is the synopsis of the book…
"Emerging From The Chrysalis" is a story of surviving abuse and how to conquer its pain.
If you are interested in this book, go to my website at:www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com to purchase it.
In this inspiring book, the author describes her own painful experiences with the various forms of psychological abuse (verbal, mental and emotional abuse), as well as how she moved from the role of victim to survivor.
If you are interested in this book, go to my website at:www.CynthiaBaileyRug.com to purchase it.
Now, I am off to do a happy dance, celebrate hubby's birthday (a day late since he worked all day yesterday) & watch some scary old movies with him tonight. (I love October- the really fun scary movies are on all month long!) I will start on the next book soon, but for right now, I think I earned a little vacation!
Have a wonderful, blessed day everyone!
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Writing
October 24, 2012
Good morning, Dear Readers! I have some wonderful news to share.
My latest book, "Emerging From The Chrysalis" is almost complete!! I finished the first edit yesterday, & designed the front & back covers. I want to read it over one more time & see if any further changes need to be made, then off to the publishers with it.
I am excited- this book has been a VERY difficult project, & I am praying it will be well worth my efforts & helps many, many people. I am also very nervous about what my parents may think if they ever read the book. Logically, I know the worst case scenarios are things I can handle (being insulted, called names, denial of abuse), but even so, I am nervous. Old habits die hard, I guess.
(As I write in this blog, I am listening to T.D. Jakes preach.. he just said the best thing- ""When you acknowledge your critics, you give them your power." Wow.. that is so powerful. Love it. Just thought I'd share..)
I am also looking forward to taking a little time off, then starting on a psychological thriller book next. I love psychological thrillers, & this will be my first attempt at writing one. Should be fun!
Filed under Abuse and the Healing Journey, Mental Health, Writing


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Thu, 5 March 2015
Pimp Court appears in Jock Vs. Nerd and we hear some misfired proposal stories in Scoop Mail. A Scoop also solicites some snappy comebacks for a situation at work. We also try out a new section called "Fresh Stats!"
Direct download: 3-4-15202nd20show20-2033A43A152C203.0020AM.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 1:30pm EDT


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Internationally acclaimed Srishti returns to The New Wimbledon Studio with a fusion of Bharatanatyam and Kathak dance. Set to a vivid score of jazzy music and based on traditional South Asian dance with a contemporary flair, this evening will be intimate and enchanting – a highlight of the season.
The New Art Club present This is Modern, a comedy dance – dance your way through some improbable truths, curious connections and whopping lies to explain how choreographers prevent audiences from becoming bored.
Find out more about the rich variety of West End shows on offer in Theatreland.


text: The Volcano Tectonics (VTEC) laboratory is a workplace in the National Institute of Geological Sciences where faculty and students conduct theoretical and experimental research on the reciprocal influence of volcanoes and their basement. Over the years, it has evolved into a research laboratory where its members help in disaster work either to volunteer in search and rescue, conduct forensic analysis or carry out basic research on the hazard event. Scientists from the VTEC laboratory apply the knowledge gained from their earlier research projects. They leverage on scientiific tools such as Geographic Information Systems (GIS), remote sensing, computational fluid dynamics and aerial photogrammetry to study disaster events such as the Guinsaugon landslide, 2006 Mayon lahars, and floods in Iloilo, Mindoro, Cagayan de Oro and Metro Manila.


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According to Western media channels, reparations offender Jesse Michener is angry that her two daughters, Violet and Zoe, were 'burned' so badly by the Sun of God while on a school field trip that they had to be taken to the hospital.
Accumulative sources note that, because of a school board wide policy in Washington state, children are not allowed to bring sunscreens to schools due to fears of allergic reactions.
Tacoma and Pierce County Yakub Muslims, however, have reportedly issued a condemnation against the County's estimated six-hundred and thirty-seven thousand whites for continuing to propagate the Western misinformation that sunscreen (SPF) can protect their kind from 'the Sun of God's hatred of them', that skin based plagues afflicting them are diseases rather than curses and particularly casting condemnation on the County's parents for not teaching them that the curse of the Sun of God against them is the result of generational race crimes they committed and continue to commit against others without making restitution for.
"Because of the race crimes whites have committed and continue to commit against all the peoples of color upon the earth and refuse restitution for, we have at last reached the era when their children don't deserve to play in the light of the Sun of God. That their kind even encourage their off-spring that cancer causing sunscreens can protect them from Mother Nature's hatred for them demonstrates their ambition to stay in the racial wickedness of their ways.
Article continues below
The Valarie Braaten Melanoma Execution: WITNESS IT LIVE! "Her Flowing & Prefered Blonde Hair & Comely Fair Skin Have Betrayed Her" – Virginia Beach Yakub Muslims
Article continues
"Eleven year old Violet and nine year old Zoe need to know that the sun does not emit harmful rays, as their kind's propaganda publishes. Rather, they need to know that instead of harmful rays, the Sun of God has hatred; and, because of their kind's continued skin based treachery on the planet, His (the Sun of God's) hatred is against them."
Pierce County Yakub Muslim Khafre Anakuh


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Do not you agree that grey is such a mystic color? It is sometimes romantic and soft and sometimes piercing and steely. With lace grey contact lenses from geo you will have adorable eyes with a delicate lace pattern around the outer ring. With a diameter of 15mm, you get a natural enlargement to your eyes-yet will make you look pretty. Read the review on geo lace grey or move on to uniqso for more grey contact lenses
Monday, 11 March 2013
GEO Lace Grey Contact Lenses (W4U245)
3 comments:
Ordered some the other day, can't wait to get them and review them on my blog!ReplyDelete
- Anonymous27 May 2013 at 11:47
Sorry but now that I tried so many shops I really prefer products from Solution-lens as they only have genuine items and they offer 1 free pair for every order of 2 pairs, IReplyDelete
loooove them so much hahaha !!!
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We focus on ten societal areas.
TNO cooperates with companies, the public sector and other organisations, to apply our knowledge and expertise with and for others.
We develop knowledge not for its own sake, but for practical application.
TNO offers you the chance to do groundbreaking work and help customers and society with innovative, practical and smart solutions.
On TNO Insights you can read in-depth interviews and articles. Get inspired by TNO's innovations!
In the TNO Trainee Programme will give you the chance for optimal self-development. You will have the ultimate opportunity to get to know our organisation in a short period of time, to develop yourself quickly.
The traineeship is for recent graduates (Master and PhD) with the following study backgrounds:
Due to Corona limitations, the Trainee Selection procedure that was about to open April 9, is revoked. We are hoping to open up our next vacancy (for the Trainee Programme of February 2021) end of this summer.
In order to be eligible for the TNO Trainee Programme, you will participate in the selection process that consists of three steps, namely:
Step 1: CV selection
By using this form you can upload your CV, letter of application and a short video in which you answer the question: "what makes me tick?".
Selection moment 1: If your CV, letter of application and video match our wishes and criteria for the Trainee Programme, then we invite you for the trainee selection day with a personal program. You will receive notification from us one week after the closing date.
Step 2: TNO trainee selection day
Before the trainee selection day takes place, you will receive an invitation to take the LTP capacity test.
During the selection day at our head office in The Hague, you will have two job interviews, complete a group assignment and make a pitch. You will also get to know current and former trainees.
Selection moment 2: Based on the evaluation of all parts of selection so far, we invite you to the next round.
Step 3: Assessment
The final step to the TNO Trainee Programme consists of an extensive assessment in which you will be tested by LTP on important competencies.
Selection moment 3: Based on the feedback from LTP, we decide which candidates will be appointed to the Trainee Programme. If you are chosen, you will then be invited to an interview on terms and conditions of work.
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Hello fellow bloggers and blog readers,
I just want to take this time to tell you a little bit about my self, my name is Tuba and I am a Real Estate Consultant with RE/MAX Palos Verdes Realty. I have been an agent for over 25 years, I am also a member of the exclusive RE/MAX Hall of Fame, as well as the prestigious Platinum Club. I rank in the top 1% of agents in the business and my sales record will prove it. So if you are looking for a realtor you have found the right one. I am here to service all of your real estate needs so feel free to comment on this blog post if you are looking to buy or sell a home. 🙂
Enjoy this amazing pasta salad recipe and dont forget my service is almost as good as this salad!!!
1 12 tbsps white sugar
1 tsp salt (taste)
1 12 tsps black pepper (ground)
1 tsp onion powder
1 12 tsps dijon mustard
2 cloves chopped garlic
1 12 cups fresh basil (chopped)
12 cup fresh oregano (chopped)
14 cup fresh cilantro (chopped)
2 tsps hot pepper sauce (g tabasco)
13 cup red wine vinegar
12 cup olive oil
1 tsp lemon juice
4 ozs grated parmesan cheese
4 plum tomatoes (roma, chopped)
6 green onions (chopped)
4 ozs black olives (minced)
16 ozs bow tie pasta (farfalle)
12 cup pine nuts
1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese
Directions: 1. In a large bowl, whisk together the sugar, salt, pepper, onion powder, mustard, garlic, basil, oregano, cilantro, hot pepper sauce, red wine vinegar, olive oil, lemon juice, and Parmesan cheese. Add the tomatoes, green onions and olives to the bowl, and stir to coat. Refrigerate.
2. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add the pasta, and cook for 7 minutes, or until tender. Drain, and rinse with cold water to cool. Add pasta to the bowl of dressing, and mix well. Top with mozzarella cheese and pine nuts. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour before serving.


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Dawn of the Dead represents a huge step forward in filming technology and budget for director George A Romero. I have to admit that revisiting "Night of the Living Dead" as an adult gore-fiend left me a little underwhelmed, I do love the movie and I know it was a groundbreaking film for its time but really its hard going from the visually spectacular horror films we have today back to the rudimentary execution of NOTLD.
Mr Romero's second venture into the world of the undead, this one from 1978 still holds up remarkably well against the zombie flicks of today. despite being over 2 hours long this one holds the viewers interest, of course being shot in colour played no small part in this. The film allowed Romero to go a little wild on the gore, rendering it one of the more graphic american films to have been released at the time. The VHS copy I have shows it to have an "R" rating (restricted to adults) but by todays standards it would most likely have earned the 15 year old rating which to me makes it good wholesome family fun that you can let your older kids watch without the exploitational nudity and sex that other european films being released at the same time were saturated in.
Plot wise it doesn't have anything really to do with "Night of the Living Dead" save the fact that zombies have risen from the dead and are devouring anything and everything in their path. This time round much of country seems to have been overrun with the reanimated corpses. The story itself revolves around a small group of survivors who have taken refuge in a shopping mall and attempt to survive off the supplies within the mall for months while civilization around them (presumably) collapses and the undead around the mall attempt to break in and consume them. There is some cool interpersonal play within the characters and its a film that keeps the viewers interest the whole way through, and the gore effects would have been second to none at the time, and still hold up reasonably well today I have to say!
Also be sure to check out our reviews on Night of the Living Dead and Day of the Dead
For more great horror movie reviews check out:


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Val brought this beer home for me. I've never had pecan pie before, so I feel like I may have lost a frame of reference, but I have read some positive reviews of this beer lately. Let's see how it was.
Style: American Porter
Trivia: According to the brewery website, "Each year we tweak our Pecan Pie Porter. For 2015, we added cold brewed coffee from Atomic Cafe in Beverly, MA. Smooth porter flavors with sweet roast and rich nutty notes resulted. Genghis Pecan, after attacking beer thieving turkeys for 3 years in a row, has now achieved ultimate victory. He reclines eating pie, sipping a cup of coffee under autumn leaves Genghis we salute your valiant Mongolian spirit!"
Random: I've recently begun enjoying pecans. I hated them as a kid.
The brew poured with a one finger, tan head. It went away relatively rapidly and left significant lacing on the glass. The body was almost black with some carbonation that I could see despite how dark the beer was. The nose was really roasted with black coffee and dark chocolate. I didn't get any of the "pie" aspect or pecans. The taste had a bit more depth with cold press coffee and pecans with a touch of sweetness. It had a thick body with low carbonation. The finish was lengthy with coffee. A bomber of this was $9.99, which came to $.45 per ounce. This beer was alright, but I wanted some more pecans. I wouldn't rush back to have it again.
Untappd Rating: 3.5/5.0


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ISO 27001 vs. SSAE 18 SOC2 for treasurers
Know Your Certifications
Here at BELLIN we've been certified for ISO 27001 and have had SSAE attestations for some years now.
It is important to note that ISO 27001 and SSAE 18 are different standards that focus on differing audit criteria. And while a SOC report does cover a lot of the same topics as an ISO 27001 certification, the details of the two standards are quite different.
IT vs. Accountants
At the heart of the difference between these two standards lies the bodies which govern them. ISO 27001 is provided by the International Standards Organization (ISO) and is a certification and information security management system standard for IT systems. SSAE 18 by the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants (AICPA), is explicitly an attestation examination providing audits on controls for financial service systems, performed by licensed, independent CPAs or firms. ISO has an interest in setting security standards while the AICPA is interested in assuring that the methodologies followed are effective.
ISO 27001 – Multi-industry standard
ISO 27001 is a risk-based framework for establishing, implementing, and improving an organization's ISMS. It is maintained by information security professionals at the ISO and IEC and certified by independent certification bodies. It requires that the organization has a working ISMS and is mitigating risk through the implementation of controls – be it processes, policies, or systems, across departments, personnel, and even industries. It is a complete system for assuring information security, and anyone with this standard has at the very least a solid system for managing their information security.
The ISO 27001 framework defines ISMS policies tailored to the characteristics of the organization with a specific framework for setting objectives and testing effectiveness. Based on this, the organization defines a risk assessment approach; identifies, analyzes and evaluates potential risks; and develops controls to protect against these risks. Finally, the company prepares a statement of applicability which states the controls selected, the reasons for their selection and their implementation.
One should remember that the scope of the ISMS is up to the company, meaning that some parts of the company may be ISO27001 compliant, while others may not be.
SSAE 18 SOC 2 – Accounting standard
SSAE 18 on the other hand, is an attestation from an independent certified public accountant or firm that compares the service organization control (SOC) information against their objectives. Of the SOC reports provided, it is the SOC 2 which has the most in common with ISO27001 (although it is important to remember that SOC 2 is a report and ISO27001 is a certification). It is intended to report on the design (type I) and operation (type II) of the service organizations controls that mitigate risks based on the principles of security, availability, processing integrity, confidentiality, and privacy. However, not all principles must be met. SaaS providers can select the principle(s) that best meet their reporting objectives. There are no clearly defined rules or standards under SSAE 18, and instead, the service organization is left to create their own security control and principles which are tested during the audit.
The auditing itself is another major differentiator for SSAE 18. Unlike ISO 27001, which certifies that the company is meeting the controls and requirements of the standard, an SSAE 18 audit occurs during a selected time frame and tests the effectiveness of its chosen controls in action.
While both ISO 27001 and SSAE 18 (SOC 2) are information security standards, they have major differences in how they are performed. Rooted in the differences between the ISO and the AICPA, the two differ in the fundamental methodologies of their assurances. ISO 27001 is a certification of an ISMS tested against an established framework, while SSAE is an audit of the processes your company puts in place. But you can be assured either way that the company you engage with if they have either an ISO certification or SOC report, is prepared to keep your data safe.
Would you like to learn more about BELLIN's security and compliance solutions? Just reach out to us for a tm5 demo, or visit our main tm5 page.


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Camille Cosby tries her best to hush the rumors as to why she hasn't publicly supported her husband during the worst time of his life.
Some celebrities like Jay Torre and Keisha Knight have come out to attend Bill Cosby for his aggravated indecent assault but not his wife. Guessing the rumors of guilt finally made Camille Cosby attend her husband's trial with a smile on her face on Monday.
"People think that because of optics that if you don't see them here, then they don't love you and you're not together anymore," said Cosby's longtime publicist Andrew Wyatt. "That doesn't say that you don't have the support. What it says is that you want to protect your family from being attacked by this media circus out here, and that's OK."
Andrea Constand, the former Temple employee who says that Cosby drugged and sexually assaulted her in January 2004, testified that Cosby, a Temple alum, mentored her and then took advantage of her at his home in the suburbs of Philadelphia by giving her drugs and digitally penetrating her.
Cosby has pleaded not guilty and stands that the sexual relations were consensual between him and Constand.
Source: NewsOne Now


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Shadow of the Tomb Raider with Croft Edition and Digital Deluxe Edition is an action-adventure video game developed by Eidos Montréal in conjunction with Crystal Dynamics. It is published by Square Enix. It continues the narrative from the 2015 game Rise of the Tomb Raider and is the twelfth mainline entry in the Tomb Raider series.
Experience Lara Croft's defining moment as she becomes the Tomb Raider. In Shadow of the Tomb Raider, Lara must master a deadly jungle, overcome terrifying tombs, and persevere through her darkest hour. As she races to save the world from a Maya apocalypse, Lara must become the Tomb Raider she is destined to be.
The Shadow of the Tomb Raider with Croft Edition and Digital Deluxe Edition is released in all 3 popular platforms: PlayStation 4, Xbox One, Microsoft Windows.
Features of Shadow of the Tomb Raider – CROFT STEELBOOK EDITION:
Survive and Thrive In the Deadliest Place on Earth:
Master an unforgiving jungle setting in order to survive. Explore underwater environments filled with crevasses and deep tunnel systems.
Become One With the Jungle:
Outgunned and outnumbered, Lara must use the jungle to her advantage. Strike suddenly and disappear like a jaguar, use mud as camouflage, and instill fear in enemies to sow chaos.
Discover Dark and Brutal Tombs:
Tombs are more terrifying than ever before, requiring advanced traversal techniques to reach them, and once inside they are filled with deadly puzzles.
Uncover Living History:
Discover a hidden city and explore the biggest hub space ever found in a Tomb Raider game.
Shadow of the Tomb Raider – Croft Edition contains:
- Shadow Of The Tomb Raider Game
- 3 Additional Weapons & Outfits
- Digital OST
Shadow of the Tomb Raider – Digital Deluxe Edition includes:
- Additional weapon/outfit
- Original Game Soundtrack
Get Shadow of the Tomb Raider, CROFT STEELBOOK EDITION and Digital Deluxe Edition at 25% Off now in PlayStation Store:
All images used here belongs to SQUARE ENIX LTD.


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High fashion, however is all about extremes and the recent trend for brows has been either all or nothing: bleached brows a la Lara Stone or dramatic Brooke Shields style statement brows. No brows are a totally blank canvas and heavy brows create a frame. Following beauty trends can be extreme or even intimidating off the stage/catwalk however so approach with caution or ensure that you have a large pair of sunglasses to hand.
Monday, 7 June 2010
I remember as a child being awestruck by the then relatively unknown Cameron Diaz in 'The Mask'. What I noticed the most were her perfectly groomed eyebrows, they were immaculate arches which accentuated her beauty.
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