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Monday, August 6, 2012
Better or Worse: Part Three
1) Fierce about Facebook: Did you know that facebook is now listed as being a factor in 33% of divorces? (2011) People are getting on facebook and reconnecting with old flames, deciding the grass *was greener* on the other side and leaving. Be careful how you use facebook. John had an ex-girlfriend message him multiple times on facebook, when he wouldn't respond, she messaged again and told him she was having marital problems and wanted his help. That is so beyond inappropriate that I don't think it even needs commentary. His response? He blocked her. Bravo, baby! Be cautious... if you find yourself lurking on an ex's page, maybe you shouldn't be his/her social media friend. All inappropriate relationships start in the heart before they manifest themselves in the physical. Remove the temptation. Along that same note, John is also very careful about who he is friends with in general. He doesn't see the need to have tons of female facebook friends, so unless he actually knows the girl in a legitimate/necessary way he won't add her. If you're female and have requested his friendship multiple times without him accepting you, this is why.
Generally, looking to the past is a no-no in my opinion for several reasons. Mostly, though, it can cause discontentment in a lot of people's lives. There is always a sneaking monster that wants to revert you back to your "high school lifestyle" as it is, so the less you feed it, the less it tends to rear its ugly head. Honestly, I think it is just unhealthy to constantly compare and look at not only YOUR old significant others, but also to look at others' relationships and create a competition between you and them for no good reason. Be content in your own relationships and use facebook as a way to connect with old friends in a very hands-off, I-want-to-see-photos-of-your-children type of way--not using it as a means to reconnect with your past. That is unfair to them, your spouse and frankly, to you. Facebook is wonderful in the right contexts and can be valuable for reconnecting with friends, just make sure the reconnecting is appropriate and respectful to your spouse. And yes, I have a very strict filter for friends on facebook--don't get your feelings hurt ;)
2) Platonic friendships: This is kind of along the same vein, but watch your friendships, too. I'm not going to say, "don't have friends of the opposite sex" ... I'd be a hypocrite. I have two very, very good male friends (Silvio + Memo, that's you!). They happen to live in different countries, so we aren't hanging out in coffee shops or anything, but they are legitimate friends. I appreciate that after I married John, both of them made efforts to become friends with my new husband (and succeeded! When Silvio came to visit us in America, they teamed up against me...). In your friendships/relations with co-workers, think to yourself, "if my spouse saw/heard/read this interaction, would I be ashamed or try to hide it?" If you would, then cut and run. And don't go back. Also, be honest with your spouse. If a friendship is making you uncomfortable, say so. And give your spouse the opportunity as well. Sometimes your "friend" may want to be more and is just biding his/her time... you may not be able to see through it, but generally your spouse will.
This one is insanely easy for me to speak to. My background is in church ministry, so I always make sure my interaction could never be construed as anything but professional. I almost error on the side of TOO much caution. It even extends to limited interaction in social situations being alone with other females and just making sure that anything I say or do would never be taken the wrong way. I am friendly with everyone to the best of my ability (if it is after a certain time in the morning--not my best work is done before 8am). it even extends to what I talked about in number one, with not always accepting females as facebook friends. I am just under the conviction that there are certain things that we don't always have to be involved in once we have chosen a spouse. Please don't read this as me being cold or distant--just cautious. It is smart, because too many affairs and too much philandering start with a look, a laugh, a conversation and the list goes on. The more you value accountability and practice good social conduct in respect to your spouse, the less likely that anything will ever leave you yearning for someone else. Be nice...don't be flirty ;)
3) Speak the same language. Read Gary Chapman's book, 'The Five Love Languages'. I had to study it in school. It's all about how each person has a language that they use to communicate love with (personal touch, gift giving, words of affirmation, service, time) and you need to learn to communicate love in your spouses language. You may have just read that list and known exactly what your language was, but you also may have no idea. Chapman talks about how there are two kinds of people who have a hard time knowing, those who have had an empty tank or too long and those who have had a full tank for too long. I don't want to say anymore about this because I want you to read the book! It will be fantastic for your marriage. Also, my guest blogger, Christine- family + couple therapist extraordinaire ALSO recommended this book... which should tell you how fantastic it is. We didn't compare notes.
This book is the penultimate book on how to make your spouse feel loved. It sounds cliche, it sounds old-fashioned, it sounds "square" if you wish...but.it.works. This book is full of truth. If you are married and do not have this book...get into the delorean and go back to yesterday and buy it ;) It is one of the best resources for pre-marital counseling that I can think of. If you get two people to buy into this system of give and take, you will have a marriage that will last no matter the circumstances. Marriage is predicated around the idea that two individuals become ONE. The problem is, we are "individuals"--we are different. If you can learn what makes the other individual tick, you will always have that arrow in your quiver. We become more and more like each other when we love and learn how to make the other feel fulfilled; because it no longer becomes a selfish endeavor for me...it becomes a unified journey to make things work for "us".
4) Be unreserved. Your relationship with your spouse should have no reservations. None. You shouldn't be afraid to say/do/be anything in his/her presence. Being yourself around your spouse, sharing your innermost heart, being totally free... sure it's vulnerable, but it's necessary. It will build trust + bonds, two things that will keep you together through the toughest times. Plus, your quality of life will go WAY up!
Men who read this blog (chirp, chirp)....you will have the hardest time with this. I get it, you don't want to share your feelings, you don't want to be vulnerable, you don't want to show weakness. It is a much more fulfilling union if you can just let go and be free. There is a first time for everything, and guess what? She is going to see it all....ALL. Hear it all, see it all, smell it all...it will happen. The good news is, if you can both get on board with putting it all out there, you will be so much stronger in your relationship. I knew a professor in college whose wife NEVER let him see her without her makeup on. How sad is it for him that she doesn't trust him to look beneath her physical appearance and how sad is it for HER that she feels that insecure with the one person she has pledged her life to? Not a situation I would want you all to be in. Embrace freedom...but just with each other--if you involve the general population, it's bound to get weird ;)
5) Be friends. I read (still trying to track it down) an article all about how being friends with your spouse is one of the top ways to keep your marriage forever. It's so cliche. We're the best of friends. We were friends for a long time before we dated, we'll be friends until death do us part. If you didn't marry someone who you consider a friend, it's never too late to change that. C.S. Lewis said that "friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" and it's true! Find common ground, some hobby, activity, show, passion, cause ... whatever... that you both love and do it together. If you can build a friendship, you'll stand the test of time, long after passion fades. You should also never stop dating your spouse! Click HERE and HERE for a zillion free or super cheap dates that I posted last year.
Number 5 is my favorite. It is always nice to have friends. But if you're like me, it's nice to have just ONE person that you can share everything with. It helps that my wife and I have so many things in common and so much weirdness that we both make each other laugh and smile and have fun. But even if you live on different planets socially, athletically, intellectually, vocationally any of these differences can be overcome by a commitment to finding a common interest and exploiting it for all it is worth. Be friends with each other FIRST. The easiest way to build something is to start at the bottom, with a foundation. This is good for a marriage that may be WAY off base (in that couple's eyes). Keep it simple and draw on something that you both love. For example, you both like sports (for sake of example)--watch games on tv, go to live sporting events, go shopping and buy each other jerseys, collect baseball cards together (?).....yeah, that last one is odd. The point is, every passion that you may have in common can be exploited and sprout into many things that you can share together. Find a friend in your spouse...and hang out with them in every way possible--you might learn something new that you both love together.
6) Live on the little things. Life is made up of all the little, mundane, daily things... wouldn't you agree? So live on them. Be satisfied in the little things. Does your spouse always pack you a lunch? Does s/he wipe off your car for your in the winter? What considerate things does your spouse do for you that may seem little? Learn to recognize the beauty in that. And also, do lots of little things for your spouse. Leave notes in that lunch you pack daily, or on the mirror after you take a shower in the morning. Treasure the little, daily moments. You'll experience many more of them than grand romantic gestures, exotic vacations + new, expensive presents
I recently learned that I love coffee....yep, my mouth just started watering--it's a sickness. There's nothing better for me than going to our favorite coffee shop and sharing a coffee. It's five dollars, but the conversation, the coffee, the praising and/or complaining about the barista's concoction, the coffee, spending valuable time with my wife talking the day out, the coffee and just the entire experience is a treasure for me. It is quite literally the smallest, most basic "date" that you can come up with, but it's a little thing that I wouldn't trade for the world. (disclaimer: I don't love coffee more than my wife)
7) Remember that we're mortal. I'm about to get all morbid on you. "In all things, consider the end" is kind of how I live. Tucked in the corner of my mind is always the truth that one day you will kiss a loved one goodbye for the last time, and not even know it. It haunts me. But in a way it's helpful- I don't get mad at John for little trifles. We never part with anything but genuine love. I'm always grateful for him (and everyone I love). Live is fragile. In the light of eternity, does it matter if your spouse left her makeup on the bathroom counter or didn't remember to take the garbage out? Ps- don't ever send me anything about the brevity of life. I'm well aware. If you do- you'll have to face John's wrath.
Let me reiterate, because I like to sleep at night without a tossing wife who can't sleep because someone spoke of death, please don't forward my wife those things on facebook about the old couples who had a "notebook" type end, beginning or anything in between that would be sad, sentimental or remind her of the fact that we will pass from this life at some point a looooong time from now. And don't even get her started on Up (she didn't stop clutching me for a month after we watched that movie). All of that said, I tend to error on the OTHER side of the spectrum and sometimes am guilty of not understanding this one. Our time IS precious and don't ever fail to take every opportunity to let your spouse know their value to you. This one is double-edged, because while I don't fully understand the morbidity, I will never ever wonder if I'm appreciated by my wife, and you owe it to your spouse to let them know that you think they are worth every living second that they have to offer on this earth. I can think of no one on this earth who more fiercely would remind their spouse of how much they love them than my wife...but I challenge you to try and match her in your posture toward your spouse ;)
8) Love is peanut butter ice cream. This one of the first blog posts I ever wrote. It's all about how when you love someone, you put him or her first. That particular day, I wanted a different variety of ice cream, but we got peanut butter instead because it's John's favorite and I adore him. Learn to sacrifice for your spouse, putting him/her above yourself.
Do you NEED it...or could the money be used for something else? We went through a whole phase where everything went through this filter. We still do, but now it is more of a lifestyle and the question doesn't have to be asked, it is just ingrained. Do yourself a favor and sacrifice for your spouse. In a no-I'm-not-talking-about-karma way, this will return to you in ways that you can't imagine. It is much more enjoyable for me to watch my wife get excited over getting something that she wants than for me to have another piece of technology that I want. But what lasts longer: the happiness and fulfillment of your spouse, or the latest gadget? They are shiny and fun and generally awesome...but the things you hold in your hands and play with will never match that deeper quality of commitment that your spouse will understand when you put them first. If it is reciprocal, you will have your day in the sun at some point, but let her have her day--it's much more enjoyable :)
9) Fake it til you make it. I read a marriage counselor's advice once who spoke about his success with training spouses to act the way they wanted their spouse to act. It was really hard because usually once a spouse comes in to speak with a counselor, things have already gotten bad and they aren't interested in putting in more effort with someone who seems uninterested. But it works. If you consistently love your spouse and treat him/her with respect *even when it isn't reciprocal*... generally your spouse will do the same after some time (though sadly, not always). An example was given of a couple who was asked to write down their frustrations for one month and store them in a box instead of expressing them. So each time the husband messed up, the wife would go over, write out the offence and stick it in the jar. The husband was to do the same. At the end of the month, they would read them together. The wife went first and berated her husband for each little misunderstanding or forgotten errand + chore. When the husband's turn came, the wife discovered that he had written "I love you" on every single piece of paper. Wow. He made vows to love her for better or *for worse*. It made a huge difference in their marriage from then on. (fake it til you make it? If you act like you're in love, behave like you're desperately in love and treat your spouse like the hung the moon... eventually the feelings of love will follow. "Love is just as much a question of the will as it is the emotion."- Ravi Zacharias)
The easiest way to say something is to say it without words. If you want your spouse to work on an area that you feel they are deficient in, go there with them. This most commonly comes up with working out/fitness. If you feel he is out of shape, offer to workout WITH him--you both benefit. If he is unorganized, get him an address book...don't tell him that he's lazy? If she shops too much or spends too haphazardly, sit down and set a budget. This is how arguments and "bottling up" anger/resentment can be avoided. Talk to each other, work these issues out...your 60 year-old selves will thank you.
10) Don't sacrifice what you most want... for what you want right now. This is a good affair-proofer. Remember that you can never, ever take anything back. Don't sacrifice your marriage, your family, your life together for something as fleeting as a 'heat of the moment' kiss or worse. Even if you can save your marriage after an affair, the road will be long and arduous and there will be much lost along the way.
This can be avoided by THINKING. Use your head, husbands and wives...what tentacles could this action grow? What avenues will it take you down. Things you say, can't be taken back...Things you DO can't be taken back. Live a life of fidelity and respect to your spouse. THINK before you act...you are not an animal, you have the ability to reason and understand consequences. If you say, "it's just the way I am" or "I can't help it" you go down a notch in the food chain...you are placing yourself among animals that only act on urges and not on reason. Think about it.
11) Your marriage is sacred. And it is what you make of it. You have the power, as a couple, to make your marriage look *however you want*. In your home, in your own little world, you can create your very own kingdom. It can be silly, serious, fun, wild, whatever you want. Make your marriage sacred, treat it as though it is sacred. It isn't something to trifle with or treat like a trend. Take care of it. Invest time in it. Plot out goals together. Celebrate milestones, celebrate your marriage. It's yours. And there is no other couple like you in the world... no other marriage like yours in the world. It is unique. How do you treat something that is sacred? With respect. With care. With admiration. Treat it as though it is special, and it will be.
I'd like to think that our marriage is not only sacred...it's weird! Make traditions, stick to them, make a point to spend time with your spouse and don't cancel those plans for anything...ANYTHING, if you can at ALL help it. We treat our nights together as sacred and nothing can trump them. This one speaks for itself, in my opinion. But if you have questions, we will be watching tv on a laptop in our fort in the living room.....yep.
12) Love is spelled T-I-M-E. So stinking corny. Whatever, I don't care... it's true. You can't expect your marriage to be healthy if you never spend time together. John and I had a long distance relationship while we dated and then a commuter marriage for a long time. We learned the value of spending time together and literally *treasure* every evening together because for so long they were extremely rare. Life is so extremely busy these days, but don't let that crowd out quality time (alone) with your spouse. My best friend has done a great job of this- every single week she and her husband have a date night, despite the fact that they have a baby at home! Have a trade off with another couple if you have children- you'll take their kids for a night and then they'll take yours. Money problem solved. Spend time with your spouse, otherwise instead of growing old together, you'll just grow apart. Cut out activities, cut down hours and have a smaller home/lower style of living. Do what you need to do. What's the point in a big, beautiful home if you don't share it with the person you love?
Piggy-backing on number 11, marriage is sacred and you need to carve out time to make your spouse feel like they are more important that your hobbies or your friends or your video games or your iphone or your computer or facebook....or all the other things that waste our time and have no eternal value. Your spouse is here for the duration, spend time with them, because life IS fragile and you never know how much time you may be given. Playing a card game or watching a movie with your spouse is more important than your fantasy football team (believe it or not). Invest time in the thing that will last your entire life...that iphone will be obsolete in September ;)
13) Get to the root. John and I have practiced this since forever. I mentioned it briefly in part one. Whenever an issue arises, get to the root of the problem. Often times, you'll see symptoms of an issue (ps- generally an affair is a symptom of a deeper problem) in a marriage and just treat them instead of digging deeper to the root of the problem. I used to always get weird when John played guitar. If he stopped playing, that would just be treating the symptom and he would end up unhappy. Instead, we went to the root of the problem- I associate his guitar with a very bad period in our relationship, so when he plays it, I would feel some of those feelings again (amazing- I didn't even realize it at first). Maybe the root of the problem is a fight you had 6 years ago that was never resolved, or a job that was taken to satisfy the need for a bigger, better whatever. It could be a relationship that your spouse feels threatened by. It could be anything. Don't listen to the symptoms, look for the root.
I will write a book on this....if you promise to buy it ;) Digging deeper to the root of the issue is the ONLY way to make it disappear. I promise you, no matter what the argument, it can be boiled down to one word, one action, one THING. Until you dig and dig and find the root, you're placing band-aids on gaping wounds. What is REALLY bothering him/her? "I'm fine" never means that they are fine. Don't let him/her get off that easily. Rooting out issues is kind of my thing...and it sometimes drives people crazy. But what you have when you dig is better chance to find the root cause and also, if your spouse sees that you genuinely want to get to the heart of the matter, they will understand that you love them on an even deeper level. Don't be afraid to upset your spouse in this matter, because it needs to be fixed, or it will just keep coming back up. You'll know when it's rooted out...it generally is indicated by some heated arguments, some crying, some apologizing, some late nights and sometimes sleeping on the couch. It's worth it to get to the root of the problem. I could speak to this for hours....I will spare you.
14) Choose your battles. John is so laid back. Something has to really bother him or he lets it slide off his back. I'm trying to be that way. Not every hill is worth dying on. Learn to let things go and give each other passes, you'll be much happier. That doesn't mean that you bottle up the big issues, it just means that you learn to differentiate between big and small.
I'm the king of this...learn this phrase, "it's no big deal". It helps if you couple it with a shoulder shrug and if you do it right, sometimes your right eyebrow comes down at an angle toward your nose. Life is too short to worry about if the house is always "white glove" clean or if your shoes are put back where they go....or if you can't find your favorite shirt...or you don't have one single pair of black dress socks because the matches are all over the pla....wait, I PROMISE these things don't bother me ;) In all seriousness, it just goes back to what we are both saying. When you see the significance of marriage and investing your time in your spouse, the insignificant details melt away. I'm not willing to make anything a deal-breaker that doesn't affect the long-term outcome of my relationship with my wife....it's just not worth it--I can wear mismatched socks.
15) You're on the same team. This is a bit like Christine spoke about in part 2. You aren't competing against each other. When you have an issue, you aren't on opposing sides. You are always, always, always on the same team. Team (insert your marriage here). If you remember that you're on the same team, working toward the same goal (a healthier, happier, lasting marriage) then you will "fight fairly" and achieve those goals much more quickly.
Sooo......don't keep score. There aren't losers in a healthy marriage. I mean, c'mon...you landed her, didn't you? You've already won ;)
16) Value each other. Just like your marriage should be treated like it is special (because it is), treat your spouse the same way, too. At one point you were wooing this person and were willing to do ANYTHING for him/her. Remember that? I baked pan after pan of baklava for John when we were dating. I recently made it and he was overjoyed. He reminded me (not trying to be unkind or anything of the sort) that I hadn't made it in over three years. It broke my heart... just because I've "won" him doesn't mean I should stop wooing him. Ever. Think of the words you use for your spouse, do you build him/her up or tear him/her down with those words? Whenever I hear a spouse spit out, "Wow. You did something right for once." it hurts. Build your spouse up, especially in public. If you treat him like he can do *anything*, he most likely will. Words will hurt us, we know that. Use yours to make your spouse feel loved, competent, appreciated and special. On that note- I have to publicly brag about John. He has never said an unkind word to me, or raised his voice at me. I am so blessed.
My wife is great at this...and I hope I am even in the same atmosphere with her in my reciprocation of this. I often have to say, "allright...they've heard enough". You'd think from listening to her that I'm some sort of Mozart/Beethoven musical genius who can play every instrument to perfection while sleeping...this simply isn't true. But what she said above is very encouraging, "treat him like he can do anything and he most likely will". It is a comforting thought to know that there is someone in this world that thinks you can do anything. Do you know how easy it would be to do anything if you knew that you simply couldn't fail? Everyone...treat your spouse like they can't fail and stand back and watch what they accomplish. And even if it isn't an accomplishment in society's eyes, you will always think of them as a winner...and that's the most important part.
17) Have selective memory. Choose to remember the good days, not the bad. Choose to forget the fights, the incidents of unkindness or forgetfulness.
Focusing on the bad builds resentment. Dig up the problems, fix them, root them out....and then, throw them into the shredder. Don't keep score. Don't "save" it for the next fight so that you can "win"...we covered that. The only person who loses in a marriage that keeps score is the "winner" of the game. Selective memory will save you a lot of grief...and your hair won't turn gray as soon. Unless you have some weird fascination with gray hair....? Yeah...next?
18) Be committed. If you aren't committed to the marriage, nothing else matters. You have to be committed, all in, to making the marriage work. If you aren't, figure out why (go to the root!) and fix it. Are you tired? Do you feel unappreciated? What needs to happen for you to feel committed again?
You signed on the dotted line. At one point, either yesterday, two years ago, thirty years ago or during the Great Depression, you decided that this person was worth your life. You owe it to them to recommit to that every day that you have on this earth. Marriage is a contract. If you can't be trusted in a marriage with the one person that you have made a commitment to, then don't come knocking on my door to do business with you. Marriage is the ONE thing on this earth that you have to give your all to. If you can't...I have serious doubts about your operation in other facets of life. Have integrity in your marriage, make the best of it...and above all, commit to it. There is nothing more rewarding than having a healthy marriage. The best compliment I have received to date was this weekend when a co-worker told me that I "had that marriage thing down" and that I looked "genuinely happy" in all of my pictures on facebook. I'm not a marriage guru, and not even qualified to tell you how to do this...but I know that I'm "genuinely happy" and that I "have this marriage thing down" so far...my secret? my goal? Everyday commitment. That's what this whole thing is predicated on. I'm out....boom!
19) Hyman's Seafood. Go to Charleston, SC and eat there. It will change your marriage. Well- actually no... but it WILL change your life and give you two something to bond over! Best seafood on the East Coast, voted time and time again! Anyway- when we ate there last Spring we took home a little card from the table that said '40 Promises For Marriage' and I want to leave you with that... so here they are (author: Steve Stephens)
1) Start each day with a kiss.
2) Wear your wedding day at all times.
3) Date once a week.
4) Accept differences.
5) Be polite.
6) Give gifts.
7) Smile often.
8) Touch.
9) Give back rubs.
10) Laugh together.
11) Send a card for no reason.
12) Do what the other person wants before he or she asks.
13) Listen.
14) Encourage.
15) Know his or her needs.
16) Fix the other person's breakfast.
17) Compliment twice a day.
18) Call during the day.
19) Slow down.
20) Hold hands.
21) Cuddle.
22) Ask for the other's opinion.
23) Show respect.
24) Look your best.
25) Celebrate birthdays in a big way.
26) Apologize.
27) Forgive.
28) Set up a romantic getaway.
29) Be positive.
30) Be kind.
31) Be vulnerable.F32) Respond quickly to the other person's request.
33) Reminisce about your favorite times together.
34) Treat each other's friends and relatives with courtesy.
35) Send flowers each Valentine's Day and anniversary.
36) Admit when wrong.
37) Be sensitive to each other's sexual desires.
38) Pray for each other daily.
39) Say "I love you" frequently.
40) Seek outside help when needed.
You haven't eaten there yet? ....seriously, what's your problem?
Tomorrow will be the last day of our marriage series, we'll be sharing personal testimony from married couples about what keeps THEM together. After that I was supposed to start a sewing series, but I'll postpone it to give some space between series. I do have some fun + easy refashions for fall to show you! I absolutely LOVE the autumn, but I'm not looking forward to the winter that follows it.
Until tomorrow, have a fantastic day! All the best and as always, thanks for reading!
Part One
Part Two
6 comments:
i love number 11.... we decided before we got married we wanted our marriage to look like one big adventure. i think we've been pretty successful so far! :) thanks for sharing this, great advice and ideas! keep the love alive!ReplyDeleteReplies
I'm not surprised that you and Ben did work in advance. Yeah girl! Miss you- but I know you're loving Alaska and fulfilling that adventurous marriage!Delete
Another great post! I especially like your intro about divorce - as the happily married couples therapist/guest blogger ;), I was also once upon a time not so happily married, and then divorced. There is so much shame that goes with divorce (especially when you're a marriage therapist! HA!) but I think interacting with and reading about happy couples is what kept me going and gave me hope and faith that something better is out there (and boy was it ever!!!!!). So, for those of you reading this (and the others in the series) who ARE divorced (or divorcing), IT WILL BE OKAY. The best thing you can do is to learn from your marriage, take responsibility for your contribution to the ending, and then let the rest go. Here's a link to a more in-depth look at my own divorce - I just want anyone reading to know that they're not alone. http://zestysunshine.blogspot.com/2012/06/you-failedyay.htmlReplyDelete
I know that for me, hearing about other young women who survived divorce was such a big help.
Auna, thanks for another great post, love that your hubby jumped in on this one! Now, I will stop hijacking your comment section ;)Replies
Yes- i meant to open with that! so glad it's there now. I'll put that link in with the conclusion tomorrow, too, because it IS important to hear that things will be ok again. I'm so glad that you have found so much happiness!!!!Delete
Hi! Auna,ReplyDelete
I don't remember exactly why I started following your blog but I think it was because of the crafty/fashion stuff, not sure though, but today I saw the post about marriage and took the time to read it. Well, most of it anyway. :) But what I did read was really good.
I am an old married lady, 29 years! My husband and I are high school sweethearts and we have been blessed with a great marriage. We have raised 5 sons, nearly. The baby is 18 and a senior this year. We are not yet grandparents but three of the boys are married and we are waiting anxiously for the announcement that we will have a grandbaby to spoil!
I recently started a blog about marriage and family. I don't have any credentials in ministry or counselling. I'm actually a high school biology teacher and hubby is a police officer. But we are both from long lines of long marriages (good examples) and we have been Christains for our entire lives and were both raised in the church. But mostly I felt a burden for so many young couples that I see struggling in marriage.
You can find my blog at http://weddedblissorsomethinglikethat.blogspot.com/
Just thought I would share how I have enjoyed your blog and tell you to keep it up!
Laurie JoReplies
Well I hope that your sons provide some awesome grandchildren for you very soon!!! Congratulations on your blog, marriage is worth fighting for!Delete
I love reading + responding to comments! Keep in mind that comments are moderated and spam will never be approved :)


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Not just for loyalists
Personally, I've never used a Blackberry before, but this one is ticking all the boxes for me. I'll want to give it a while to see how well the much-remarked-upon OS bugs are resolved, but if that works out well, I'm going to seriously consider getting a Q10 as my personal phone later in the year. I'm not saying it's a safe bet, but it's certainly likely to find itself on the shortlist come upgrade time.

subset: commoncrawl


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Judge Teri L. Jackson
Hon. Teri L. JacksonJudge, Superior Court of San Francisco County
Term: Sept 2010–Sept 2014 (term has expired)
Membership: Voting member, appointed by Chief Justice Tani G. Cantil-Sakauye
Judge Jackson has served on the San Francisco bench since September 2002. Judge Jackson is currently the supervising judge for litigation involving asbestos and the California Environment Quality Act. She is also the supervising judge for the Criminal Grand Jury. She served on the court's Appellate Division from 2009 to 12. Before her appointment to the bench, she worked for a San Francisco law firm, specializing in complex litigation, employee defense, real estate, trade secrets, and white-collar defense trials before state and federal courts (1997–2002). She was a prosecutor for more than 15 years, first in the San Mateo County District Attorney's Office (1981–1984) and later in the San Francisco District Attorney's Office (1984–1997). She serves as an adjunct law professor at both Hastings College of the Law and the the University of San Francisco School of Law. Judge Jackson was appointed in 2010 to the Judicial Council as an advisory member, becoming a voting member in 2011. She served on the council's Criminal Law Advisory Committee (2010–2011) and was a member of the council's Advisory Committee on Criminal Jury Instructions (2009–2010). She also served on a special team of assigned judges that helped reduce the criminal case backlog in Riverside County (2007–2008).
|Judge Jackson reports on the Superior Court of San Mateo County
Apr 25, 2013
Judge Jackson highlights the impact of budget reductions, which include reduced staff, reduced services, and court closures. The court must close its northern branch, which means prospective jurors will have to travel two hours to Redwood City. The court is also laying off all but two of its commissioners. Judge Jackson also reports on the court's concerns about the new funding methodology for trial courts.
Judge Jackson reports on the Superior Courts of San Benito, San Mateo, and Santa Cruz Counties


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One of the many films to premiere at this year's Toronto International Film Festival was Peter Webber's (Girl with a Pearl Earring) historical drama Emperor. The film takes place during the days following the Japanese surrender at the end of World War II and stars Tommy Lee Jones as General Douglas MacArthur, the de facto ruler of Japan as Supreme Commander of the occupying forces. Matthew Fox plays a leading Japanese expert on the staff of MacArthur who is tasked with deciding whether or not Emperor Hirohito should be tried as a war criminal. Fox's mission becomes more complicated as he searches for a school teacher (Eriko Hatsune) who first drew him to Japan years before the war. For more on the film, here's a clip and some images.
Shortly before the world premiere, I sat down with Matthew Fox for an exclusive interview. We talked about why he wanted to do Emperor, how the finished film compares to the original script, how he prepares for a role, if he prefers a few takes or a lot, and more. In addition, we also talked about Speed Racer (a film I love), his physical transformation for Alex Cross, World War Z, the reshoots, Lost, would he ever do a comic book movie, and a lot more. Hit the jump to either read or listen to the interview.
For the audio of this interview, click here. Otherwise the full transcript is below.
MATTHEW FOX: I'm doing well.
I mentioned Speed Racer before I started recording. I absolutely love that movie.
FOX: Me too.
So I'm going to start off with Speed Racer.
FOX: Yeah, good.
Huge fan of The Wachowskis.
FOX: Yeah, me too.
Love the film. It didn't really do as well as I had hoped at the box office. When you look back on it are you sort of like, "it was ahead of the time"?
FOX: I think so. You know, who knows why certain films don't commercially work out the way you hope they would. I think it was visually ahead of the time. I think people really didn't understand – the sort of means in their minds of information gathering didn't really understand it. And I think it was kind of, I also think that The Wachowskis made a kid's movie with really, really big, sort of subversive adult themes in it. And I think that sort of threw Warner Brothers for a loop on how to market the movie. I think if you look back on how that movie was rolled out, you know, they weren't sure on whether to market it for kids, or to market it as a family movie, or to market it as a Wachowskis movie. So I think that, you know I really don't know, I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it. Obviously I was really disappointed, because I just loved working with that whole group of people, and I was hopeful that there would be more of that story.
FOX: And so I wanted it to work commercially. But, you know that's one of the mysteries of, sort of the film industry and stuff, you just don't know. But I'm the biggest fan of The Wachowskis in the whole world. I can't wait to see Cloud Atlas.
My favorite film here.
FOX: Cool. I'm so happy that – when we were doing Speed Racer Larry gave me the book and said this is something that I would like to make into a film some day. And I read the book, and I was blown away by it, and thought it was beautiful, and totally understood why he was really into to it. So I'm just happy that they've made it, and I hear really good things about it.
Absolutely. Well no matter the commercial success of Speed Racer there a lot of very vocal fans like me.
FOX: Good. Good.
Moving on to being here at TIFF. How did you get involved with Emperor?
FOX: I was just, you know, sent the script by the guys I work with in Los Angeles, and they were pretty excited about it. Read it and was just really, really moved by the script, the script was very moving. Got on the phone with Mr. Webber, and he was in New Zealand and he told me what he wanted to do with the film, and all the people that he had gathered to be a part of making it, and you know, we really hit it off on the phone and it just felt like something that was absolutely one of those projects that comes along that I just felt really compelled to be a part of.
I was going to say it's obviously based on real stuff. Talk a little bit about when you're getting ready for a role that's based on real things, real events, obviously a little bits been Hollywood-ized or whatever…
FOX: Sure.
How different is that for the preparation process for you as an actor? Do you know what I mean?
FOX: Yes. It depends. On this one I felt it was really important to do some research on Mr. Fellers and did as much of that as I felt was necessary. I felt it was necessary to educate myself about this moment in historical time, and the context in which I sat, because frankly I didn't really know a lot about that time at all. And that was one of the things that intrigued me about the film was I was like, you know, it's amazing how little attention, at least in my mind, that I had paid to how World War II ended, and how little in my own consciousness the Japanese-US conflict and the South Pacific and the atom bombs that we dropped, and, you know how that ended. And MacArthur's role in that, and Fellers' role in that, and that sort of two week period of time where the gathering of war criminals and putting people on trial and determining what was going to happen with Hirohito and the decision that was made and how different history could have played out if different decisions were made. And I knew very little about that, so that was one of the things that was – you know, I really do love history and I know very little history because I think you can spend your whole life dedicated to history and still not even come close to having any concept of the bigger, global – and whenever I get to combine doing something, storytelling that I'm really challenged by and compelled to be a part of and I get an opportunity to learn history and sort of the research would require that, it's a great combination. And I really felt that way on this one.
I agree with you. I've spoken to many actors who love the Clint Eastwood method of two takes, and other actors love the David Fincher method of fifty. Where are you on that scale?
FOX: Um, that's changing. That's changed for me over the time. I think that when I was starting out I liked the two takes thing a little bit better. Because, I think when I was starting out I felt that I should, you know my interpretation of the way a scene was going to go, or what was happening in a scene should be done rather early in the process. And as I've gotten deeper into the process of making films and television and such, I think I have more trust in the fact that you really never know what you're going to find after the twenty-fifth take. And part of that's also some of the theater experience that I've had.
You know, I did a play recently, and I did a hundred and six performances of the play, and I still felt after a hundred and six shows that I was discovering stuff in the material. And that was a real learning lesson, a lesson for me because I felt that, you know, to apply that to film, if you have the time and people are curious enough to continue to do takes, you never know what you're going to find in it. And so I think that's evolved for me over the twenty-something years that I've been doing this.
When you sign on a project, you obviously have that script, and over the course of making it a lot can change on any project, the finished film can be nothing like what you signed on for. How did the finished film compare, Emperor, to what you signed on for?
FOX: Well, I haven't seen it.
[laughs] Oh, well it's a very applicable question then.
FOX: But I'll tell you this, one of the beautiful things about making Emperor, was – is it was one of the only that I've been in a storytelling situation where I went to New Zealand on January 15th I think, and we didn't start shooting until, for like three weeks or something. And Peter and got a chance to go through the script, about on four different occasions, go through the script make notes, talk about scenes, and then the script would be handed off to the writer and two days later we would have rewrites that either successfully incorporated the notes that we had talked about, or maybe didn't. And we had these rounds of notes sessions, and the writer was right there, so it just went round and round for a few weeks. And that is the kind of thing that you just don't get either in television, you don't get it in huge budget films with studios behind them because they want to get right into the shooting of something. They're like, "This is the script, go shoot it." And this had a really cool, sort of evolutionary process involved, so when we did start shooting the script we felt like we had been through it pretty, pretty carefully. But as far as what the film looks like now after, you know, Peter's been in the editing room for months and we've had several, you know all the producers and people giving notes sessions and such, so it's definitely changed.
I definitely have to open the door and ask you about Alex Cross. Because you know, I've seen that image of you just ripped up, just muscular. If you don't mind, how did you get involved in that project and what did you do to get ready for that role?
FOX: I was in London doing a play there and Rob Cohen called me. And I had met Rob on another project a few years back and we really just clicked in the room, just dug each other on a lot of levels, and both felt like – hey , you know sometime were going to work together on something. And he called me and told me what he had in mind and initially I was like, [laughs] "Man, you know. I mean I really didn't, you know, sync" – Sometimes it's just like "wow, it's really interesting that you're thinking about me for that." But then I was really inspired by the way he talked about it, and what he wanted to do, and I said "Yes, but this is what's going to have to happen. I'm going to have to lose a bunch of weight."
Because when I read the script, I really imagined this guy was kind of burning. His internal dialogue and his rationalization of his philosophy were burning so intensely that he would just look like that. Not because he spent any time in the gym, or because he was careful about his diet. Although, I'm sure he only fuels himself with like very intense things. But I felt that that was the image that jumped out to me. So I said, "Listen, I have to task the film to get a meal plan for me for the next six months and a trainer." And they found this guy Simon Waterson who works out of London and he kind of specializes in this notion of people who want to radically, you know, sort of alter what they look like. And I met with him and he was the trainer, but both nutritionist and a trainer, and sort of set up this program. And I just worked my ass off for six months and was really disciplined about some pretty intense dieting. And I lost close to forty pounds. And, you know, when I look at that image that was floated on the internet, it's like that's pretty much exactly what I had in mind. I mean, I feel like I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish as far as what he would look like and how he would carry himself. So I was pleased.
As an actor though how hard is it to maintain where you're – I image you were feeling a certain way looking that way. How hard is it to maintain that over the course of a shoot, also acting, while also being…?
FOX: Hard. Hard. Yeah, it was hard. I mean, I didn't sleep well that whole period of time. And I don't know why that was; I don't know if it was, sort of, fear of failure. Not pulling it off. I had sort of like ideas that I wanted to accomplish with that role and I thought it was just a really interesting role to play. I don't know if it was some of the thought process that I – because, you know I wanted to try and figure that guy out, why a guy does that and the way that he did it and the sort of hyper-arrogance that he has. I wanted to figure out his philosophy, at least for myself, not that it is going to be communicated in the film because I don't think it necessarily will, but for me it was important that I find what motivates the guy. So I don't know if it was that. Or I don't know if it was just maybe the diet, you know, it was a pretty – I was eating unlike I had ever done in my life and I think it really shifted my metabolism in a way that I would go to sleep at eleven o'clock at night and I'd be awake at four-thirty, five every day, just up. But feeling fine, not feeling like exhausted.
Also, I'm sure not eating fried food, and you know what I mean. When you're eating super healthy, it does change everything about you.
FOX: Yeah.
It really does.
FOX: It does. And I learned a lot. That project and the experience that I had doing the dieting and exercise will forever change the way that I eat, and the way that I exercise. I thought that I kind of knew that stuff because I was an athlete all the way through college and I had my own sort of dogmatic version of what I would do. And it radically shifted my ideas about nutrition and exercise.
I completely understand. I definitely want to also ask you about a project that I'm really excited about but has been going through a bit of turmoil is World War Z.
FOX: I think that the turmoil thing has been, it's one of those things that we live in a world these days where somebody can float an idea on the Internet whether they, and they can have no basis for expertise on that idea.
This is why I'm coming to you.
FOX: They can be anyone. And they can have no basis in fact at all and suddenly it become like a notion out there that World War Z is having problems. Everybody who I've spoken to that's seen the film – it rocks, dude; it's going to kick ass. And the only issue that I'm hearing with the film is that they want to work on the third act; the end of the film.
That's what I heard.
FOX: Obviously it's supposed to be a trilogy, so they're, you know I think they're fine tuning an ending that feels like this movie wraps. In the original script I always felt it was the perfect combination of a complete film on its own and yet at the same time left you going like, "Oh my god, we need another installment. And so I think they're just really fine tuning that, and it might require some additional shooting to get it the way they want it. And I hear that Mr. Lindelof has been brought in to help with that.
I heard that Damon had an idea that he gave to Drew Goddard, who did Cabin in the Woods with Joss (Whedon) and he was working on the actual script, like helping on the third act. I don't know what's true or not true.
FOX: I don't either. All I know, well, I don't even know.
So, for people who don't know, who do you play in World War Z?
FOX: My role in that film, he's a Navy Seal, who basically – Marc and I's idea on that was he's a guy who basically is – Brad Pitt's character goes off to find a solution to this global epidemic, and he is a global problem solver and has a history with the UN and sort of disaster relief. And he leaves his family in a situation on a quarantine flotilla, essentially like a military ship. And my character, this Navy Seal, who rescued Brad Pitt and his family off a rooftop in Philadelphia, helicopter rescue, this guy is kind of slightly fractured by what's happening in the world. I mean he's spent his whole life mission oriented, spent his whole life sort of target oriented and the enormity of what's going on and the massive human loss of what's going on and his inability to feel like he has any control.
So you've got the Brad Pitt character who's the sort of global macro-problem solver, and you have a navy seal who is very, very mission oriented and very micro oriented feeling that he has absolutely no way to control anything. It kind of fractures him and he fixates on the fact that he feels that this man has sort of abandoned this family, and he co-opts this family and basically takes over while the Brad Pitt character is out finding a solution to the problem. So at the end of the film you have him trying to come back to his family and yet his family has essentially been taken over by a man who has kind of, is, is broken.
Before I run out of time with you, I definitely have to – I'm sure you get asked about it all the time, but one of my favorite shows is Lost – I definitely have to ask you, you know it's been a little while now, when you look back on the experience, what is that initial thing when you look back on it, that initial feeling? Or is it something that's still too close?
FOX: No, no. It's amazing how quickly it feels like it was a long time ago already. It's full of really good, good memories, man. I mean, you know, that was a hell of a great time. And I still think a lot about what we made, and you know, I still have people come up to me and you can tell by – they want to say something that they, how much it meant to them. So it's full of, my memories of it are full of warm and good and positive energy. And I'm really happy with where I am now, where we're living and what my life is like, and the sort of different pace of being involved in some films every now and then, is much more sort of where I want to be as far as that goes. But I will always be very, very proud to have been a part of that six year experience and what that story was and what it meant to people. So I feel really, really good about it.
Speaking for a lot of fans I'll just say thank you for entertaining me every week on that show, because I fucking loved it. I really did.
FOX: That's cool, dude.
Now moving on back into the film thing. What's it like now in terms of the projects you want to pick? Maybe there's a genre you haven't done?
FOX: Yea, you know, I certainly don't go about, like, well I've played a serial killer here, and I just did a historical period piece, I'm part of big budget zombie movie. What am I going to do next?
Wait, World War Z is about zombies?
FOX: [laughs] Yeah.
FOX: So I don't have any plan whatsoever, dude, I have no idea what's next. But, sooner or later I'd love to do a comedy. I mean I think that, you know, people don't think that that's in my wheelhouse because I've sort of played a lot of dramatic stuff and that's certainly a side of myself that I want at some point in the right context, in the right stuff, that I find really funny. You know, the truth is I don't – you know, a lot of the comedies I see rolling out these days I don't find that funny, dude. So when I come across one that I think is really funny and smart at the same time, then you know, and I'm offered it then I'll be really excited to do that.
Isn't that kind of what you're waiting for with Alex Cross, to be able to be like, have the average person on the street, "That's the dude who was on Lost!?", or "That's Matthew Fox?!"
FOX: Yeah, that was you know, obviously you spend six years in somebody's – in their homes playing Jack Shephard and I was intrigued by the notion of having something that was going to challenge me, of doing something that I haven't done before, and also kind of doing something that people wouldn't expect me to do. And I'm always going to continue to try to do things that people wouldn't expect me to do.
I think this is probably one of my last questions. The comic book genre seems to be just incredibly popular right now – The Avengers, The Dark Knight, I mean it's a huge genre. Are there any comics you read, or any comic book characters you've always been a fan of? I'm just curious if that's something that interests you.
FOX: Off the top of my head I can't – you know the truth is that stuff's going to be exhausted pretty soon, because they've been churning them out man.
I said that a few years ago, but this year is the biggest it's ever been.
FOX: I know, and so once they've established all those franchises they'll just keep doing more, more Avengers and more Iron Man's and so on and so forth. But as far as like original material that is part of our comic book history, they don't have a lot of stuff left. But I would be – I'm a huge comic fan, I love graphic art and I just love, you know I love that kind of thing so I mean, you know if it was the right thing I'd jump all over it, I think it would be really fun. And if it was something that my eleven year-old boy was fired up about then it would make it even doubly fun, you know?
Yes, I understand. My last question for you, what are you doing next? Do you know?
FOX: No.
Is that a good feeling?
FOX: It's a great feeling. That's part of why I wanted to move into this type of phase of my career. And the only, the only reason I've said that I won't do television again is for that very thing that you just asked. Because if I was doing a big TV show right now, like I've done twice, I would know exactly what I was doing next, and it's really nice to not know. And I have really, have no idea and I don't know how long it'll be and I love that. I'm very happy to be in that position right now.


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Data Hierarchy Over TimeBy Virginia Citrano Print
Information lifecycle management helps companies handle the data deluge by providing a framework for classifying stored information, finding the right storage technology, creating retention guidelines and managing costs.
Data Hierarchy Over Time
Beth Cohen, director of operations for data protection and storage consultancy Broadleaf Services, in
"ILM offers a different paradigm for companies wrestling with a tidal wave of data," says Cohen, whose clients include a company trying to archive more than three million Microsoft PowerPoint slides.
The initial emphasis of ILM was on finding a framework for data classification; that is where the Storage Networking Industry Association's road map still starts. But classifying data and assigning a life expectancy to its usefulness is hard work—harder still if the tools don't match the task.
"The amount of unstructured data has been growing by leaps and bounds, and the tools were just not keeping up," Cohen says.
To keep themselves from being overwhelmed by the data tidal wave, many organizations merely bulked up the beachhead with more storage gear. However, in a report issued earlier this summer, analyst firm Gartner predicted that, by 2010, rising costs for storage media, energy and storage facilities will compel companies "to abandon the axiom that it is easier to add storage than to craft an ILM strategy."
The Gartner report focused on companies in the h1ealth care industry, but its author, Barry Runyon, says its conclusions hold true for other industries as well. Runyon's recommendations include:
Slow storage growth by improving overall use.
Initiate a project to discover, identify and classify critical enterprise data, both structured and unstructured.
Establish performance and recovery objectives for each data category.
Establish formal data-retention schedules.
Deploy a storage resource management tool.
Implement a tiered-storage infrastructure with at least three tiers.
For many companies, the genesis of their ILM strategy lies in regulatory compliance. Regulators demand that certain categories of information be kept for set periods in a certain way. The companies they regulate must comply. These organizations have learned the hard way that not having a data-retention policy—or failing to follow an existing policy to the letter—can be highly damaging.
Financial-services companies, for example, were among the first to get a broad set of targeted ILM tools because they faced so many mandates on their data. The finance industry's e-mail archiving tools are robust enough to collect missives sent from a wide variety of communications devices, and can sock away instant messaging chats, too. These tools are now making their way out to a broader audience that includes both enterprises and their legal counsel.
"Attorney review time is the most expensive part of discovery," says Brad Harris, director of product management at electronic discovery services provider Fios. "So it's good to have a tool that makes that more efficient." Harris' common-sense tips: Move information off desktops into shared storage, use a content management system and take full advantage of its metadata tagging capabilities, dispose of what you don't need and, above all, stick with the company's ILM plan.
"A lot of companies talk about having retention policies, but nobody follows [them]," Harris says.
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Day 4 in Korea saw all fleets take to the water and complete a number of rounds. As it stands Alberto Menegatti continues to hold his form ahead of Antoine Albeau (2nd) and Ben Van Der Steen (3rd). In the womens fleet Karin Jaggi still sits at the top after an impressive performance in all her races. Read on for the official PWA press.
Day 4
The decision to hold an earlier skippers' meeting on day four of the Ulsan PWA World Cup was duly rewarded as Jinha beach was transformed into a port tack slalom sailors playground, which allowed an epic – but grueling – eight hours of racing to be completed. The usual thermal winds – which so often grace South Korea's number one windsurfing beach – were replaced with a frontal cross shore wind from the left. By the end of the day, two eliminations for both the men and women were completed, whilst the first round of the men's race four was also sailed. Today's action saw four separate winners', firstly the two reigning world champions Antoine Albeau (RRD / NeilPryde) and Valerie Arrighetti (Tabou / Gaastra / Mystic) both claimed their first race victories of the year, before Arnon Dagan (RRD / NeilPryde) claimed his first elimination victory in four years. Unfortunately for Arrighetti, Karin Jaggi (Patrik / Severne) soon reasserted her authority over the event with another bullet. The conditions today truly showed exactly why South Korea is one of the most challenging stops on the tour… more
Day 5 was a long day for the crew and competitors as they remained on their toes as the wind built then dropped several times throughout the day. probably worse than a no wind forecast for those at the event as they really have to be ready for action all day long. However with tomorrow promising good wind, the final day of competition could well prove to be fruitful for those lying in the lower positions. Read on for the official PWA press.
A day of teasing winds – despite an unfavourable forecast – on the fifth day of the Ulsan PWA World Cup saw the sailors experience a long day on hold, but ultimately the wind never quite materialized enough to allow the competition to resume. However, the glorious sunshine returned allowing the competitors and crowds to relax on the beach. The sailors were eventually released at 4:45pm and they will now prepare themselves to battle it out on the last day of racing tomorrow – which should see an action packed day of fully charged slalom… more


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Out Now: The Front Row rugby league magazine
The next edition of our exclusive weekly online e-magazine is here. The Front Row is your ideal guide to Round 12 of the NRL and Super League restart, with news, player stories, results, reports, teamlists, match stats and previews to accompany your weekend of footy viewing ahead.
This week's huge 44-page programme is a milestone in rugby league - the first global match programme covering both NRL and Super League under the same umbrella.
Some great features this week - an important chat Josh Wells has with a concussion expert on the way sports media approach head injuries; Paul Jobber speaks to Connor Watson as the Newcastle hooker position becomes more cursed; and legendary sports writer Steve Mascord joins the team with a piece on how Sunday's Super League restart will work as he interviews Leeds boss Gary Hetherington.
Guest, click here to read online or download your free PDF copy
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FACETIME- Found art: Toledano resurrects forgotten painter
When art historian Roulhac Toledano first came to know the work of painter William Aiken Walker in 1968, she found that while his Reconstruction-era paintings of life in the deep rural South predated her, they were immediately familiar.
"I grew up in west Texas, and everywhere there were ranches that grew cotton," she explains. "I remember seeing the migrant workers pulling bolls, and they looked just like these paintings."
So for four years she drove from North Carolina to Florida to Louisiana– and everywhere in between– trying to track down Walker's paintings for her book, William Aiken Walker: Southern Genre Painter.
"There were some in museums, but a lot of them were just in people's attics," she says. "They weren't worth anything then. Even the bigger ones were worth only about $400."
Then Toledano shifted her focus to architectural history. With her husband, in 1983, she bought Charlottesville's "pink warehouse," a structure that would become home to various artists including a youthful Dave Matthews.
Although Toledano had consigned Walker's art to the dustbin of her own personal history, New Orleans-based Pelican Publishing tracked her down in 2005 with a bit of news.
"They told me that Walkers were selling for anywhere between $25,000 and $45,000 at auction and that they wanted to re-publish," says Toledano. "I thought, 'Oh my God, I don't even own my own copy of that book!'"
After two years of examining newly discovered works by the South Carolina artist– as well as sifting through the inevitable forgeries– the 69-year-old Charlottesvillian has brought Walker, who died in 1921, back to life for art lovers the world over. The new, expanded edition of her book is published this month.
As she has become reacquainted with her old subject, Toledano says the reasons for the renewed interest in Walker remain a mystery to her.
"It could be that the South has money now," she says, "and that these paintings are the most honest depictions of a time and place not many others were painting."
As in the early '70s, Walker's work can still provoke controversy. Some scholars have derided his images of poor African-Americans hoisting cotton bales and dressed in tatters as cartoonish and racist. In Toledano's view, however, Walker intended no such message.
"He was just painting what he saw," she says. "He grew up poor in Charleston, and most of the people he knew there were black. If you look at photographs from the era, that's exactly what they look like.
"I've even had Africans view these paintings," she continues. "They look at them and say, 'Oh, that's a Yoruba, that's an Ebo.'"
Toledano's editor at Pelican, Nina Kooij, says scholars have long been pleading for a reissue of the book on Walker.
"He's become a significant painter in our region," says Kooij. "It's such a wonderful opportunity to reproduce his works with this kind of quality."
Not resting on her Walker book, Toledano now finds herself hard at work on two new projects. She reports that she's received some interest from publishers in a biography of François Coty, the Frenchman who first mass-produced women's cosmetics. And she's in the thick of research for a history of New Orleans architecture.
"Now that they're rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina, it's important to look back," says Toledano. "All the buildings that stuck to the height and scale of what's tried and true there survived."
Toledano will be honored at a reception celebrating the republication of her book at Blue Whale Books on Thursday, January 17, at 5pm.


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Angels Opening Day Checklist: Don't Leave Home Without…
The Angels Opening Day is finally here and I can barely contain my own excitement! In just a few…well…in just a few too many hours for my taste, I'll be at the game. Still, hours. We're down to hours! Isn't that exciting? However, it is important to remember that attending Opening Day, or any other ballgame for that matter, is much like any other festive, celebratory occasion: in your excitement it's all too easy to forget the darndest of things. But, with a little thought and preparation you can avoid any potentially disastrous forgetfulness and ensure your complete ballgame enjoyment.
Submitted for your entertainment, here is my helpful Angels Opening Day checklist. Did you remember to bring:
1. Tickets!
Because you can't get into the ballpark without tickets, right? Yeah, I know. Ticketmaster, Stubhub and the like all have numbers you can call in a pinch in you lose your tickets. But, as someone who once had their Nine Inch Nails ticket swiped in the ladies room in between the Queens of the Stone Age set and the main event, I can tell you that as fast as they really do try to rectify these situations and get you back in your seat, standing in customer service with the feeling that you're missing the first song, first pitch, etc. is not fun. Yeah. These babies went into my purse seconds after I snapped the photo. I recommend confirming possession of said tickets before you start the car to head for the stadium.
2. Cash…probably kind of a lot, actually.
This is one of those not so fun parts of the game. But 'buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks' is an indelible part of Take Me Out to the Ballgame, after all. Not to mention the hot dogs. The tasty, tasty, overpriced beverages. The parking… Need I go on? And I don't know about other ballparks, but paying with a credit card or ATM always seems to take three times as long, so cash is king.
3. Ball Caps
They protect your face from the sun and when the sun goes down, they protect your head from the cold. They shade your eyes from the glare – all the better to see the game with, my dears. They proclaim your team pride across the stadium in even the largest of crowds. Don't leave home without them.
4. Fan appropriate attire
Okay, maybe this isn't exactly difficult to remember if you leave for the game from your home, wearing it all already. But, like so many of us, I am forever dashing off to the game after work, so Day to Night Barbie's got nothin' on me. (The reference came from a coworker actually. I left the conference room we were working in wearing a business suit and returned in jeans and an Angels jersey to collect my computer and go. 'What are you?' she laughed. 'Day to Night Barbie?') And until I figure out that Wonder Woman 'spin and spin and spin until *poof* your outfit completely changes including perfectly coordinated shoes, jewelry and makeup' maneuver, I'm going to add 'remember every piece of your fan appropriate attire' to the list. Because forgetting my sneakers and going to the ballpark in jeans, jersey and 3.5 inch heels was not exactly my finest moment.
5. Camera
Because if you want to capture some of those great game memories permanently, whether on the field or of yourselves in the stands, you're going to need a camera. Now, you will note that my case contains considerably more than just the camera – two extra batteries, two extra memory cards and various charging accoutrements, to be precise. What can I say? I've been married to an Eagle Scout for going on 13 years and that always be prepared thing? It's so not just a slogan and, after a few years and numerous demonstrations of it's usefulness as a philosophy, it rubs off on a person. Running out the battery during a game sucks. So does finding out that the card is full of of pics from a friend's wedding that you can't erase yet…or that you left it in the computer. *whistles* So, if you like to take more than just a few random photos, I suggest embracing your inner Eagle Scout – provided the real deal isn't handy. 😉
6+. The backpack o' many things…
…o' many things, including:
1. One jacket for each party in colors that either coordinate with your team or, at the very least, do not coorninate with the colors of the opposing team (unless you have the same colors).
2. A few snacks that don't require as much of the aforementioned cash. In our case, this is typically a bag of salt and pepper pistachios.
3. Team swag of the useful variety – blankets, warm hats and the like.
4. Team swag of the rally variety. Oh yes, there will be Angels Luchador masks! Regardless of what security says when you enter, they have yet to take them away from us in a moment of rally necessity.
5. Ponchos. Yes, ponchos. Remember what I said about the Eagle Scout thing? Cheap Target ponchos weigh nothing, fit easily in one pocket of the pack and will become your favorite thing in the entire world if one of those infamous April showers catches you in the stands.
And there you have it – check, check and double check – the Opening Day checklist. One additional thing that would be on my list if I could guarantee that my ability to check it off would be anything better than shakey? Managing to calm my excitement enough to get actual work done this morning and afternoon because I have a metric f-ton of work to do before the game. (It's roughly 204 pounds larger than your standard imperial f-ton, don't cha know?) Oh well. I'm going to run and try to make more progress on that last one and then, Play Ball!


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From Rikers with love.
Rapper Lil Wayne has penned a handwritten love letter for tennis and Rafael Nadal in particular from his prison cell on Rikers Island in New York.
"I genuinely appreciate this opportunity to express my love for tennis," wrote the "Lolliop" artist and blogger in the letter to Sports Illustrated. "One of the main reasons I enjoy the sport so much is because when I actually tried to play, it was unbelievably difficult. So ever since I've been drawn to the great talents of the game."
U.S. & World
The hip-hop star and New Orleans native, who has about two months left to serve of a yearlong sentence for gun possession, said he's a "huge" fan of top-ranked Nadal. Wayne, real name Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., said he expects the Spanish great to win the U.S. Open.
"He already became the 2nd youngest player to win 8 major titles before the age of 25 … even while battling knee tendinitis, he's still ranked #1," Wayne wrote.
Wayne listed Nadal's top threats as Roger Federer, Novak Djokovic Andy Roddick and Andy Murray. Murray "scares me the most," he added.
"Even still I say 'Nadal wins it all,'" Wayne wrote.
With the tennis tourney set to begin next week, Wayne predicted Kim Clijisters would emerge victorious for the women.
Lil Wayne's latest single, "Right Above It," was released earlier this month and made No. 6 on the charts this week, SI reported.
Selected Reading: SI, People, Weezythanxyou


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Former champ Martina Hingis granted wild card for women's doubles at Wimbledon
LONDON — Martina Hingis is returning to play at Wimbledon for the first time in seven years.
The former singles and doubles champion from Switzerland was granted a wild card by the All England Club on Wednesday for the women's doubles tournament. Her partner is Russia's Vera Zvonareva, a former doubles winner and singles runner-up.
In addition to her singles title in 1997, the 33-year-old Hingis is a two-time doubles winner at Wimbledon, with Helena Sukova in 1996 and Jana Novotna in 1998.
After a second retirement in 2007, Hingis returned to the game in July 2013 but has restricted her outings to doubles.
She last played at Wimbledon in 2007, losing in the third round of the singles. Her last doubles appearance at Wimbledon dates back to 2000, when she went out in the second round.
Hingis has been playing doubles this year with Germany's Sabine Lisicki. They won in Miami, giving Hingis her first title since 2007.
With Lisicki now concentrating on singles, Hingis turned to Zvonareva, who won the Wimbledon doubles title with Elena Vesnina in 2010 and lost to Serena Williams in the singles final in 2010.
However, the 29-year-old Zvonareva has barely competed since 2012 because of illness and injury.
Marcos Baghdatis of Cyprus, a Wimbledon semifinalist in 2006, was granted a wild card for the men's singles tournament. His ATP ranking has slipped to No. 118. Five British players also received wild cards.
Among the women, Kristyna Pliskova of the Czech Republic and three British players were given wild card singles entries.
More wild cards will be announced before play begins on June 23rd.


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Ditching dodgy software can rescue not just the UK from its financial worries, but the entire world, or so says the latest study from the Business Software Alliance.
The BSA, comprising vendors including Microsoft, CA, Adobe, Apple and others, commissioned biz school INSEAD (once known as the Institut Européen d'Administration des Affaires) to traipse around Blighty and 94 other countries.
INSEAD found a one per cent rise in licensed wares would boost national GDP by £2bn, versus £470m from a similar hike in pirated software.
Quid pro quo, paid-for software would deliver £1.6bn in additional economic value to Blighty's fragile economy, helping the country post meaningful growth figures.
"Using properly licensed software reduces the risk and creates operating efficiencies that go direct to the bottom line for business," said Julian Swan, director of compliance marketing at the BSA EMEA.
But it's not just good for business - keeping the BSA
wolves lawyers from the door - but "government, law enforcement, and industry" should behold the magical economic healing powers too.
Every £1 spent on legit licensed software has an "estimated" ROI of £37, versus £24 for a pirated version, the BSA said.
Yet the economic boosting effect was not limited to this sceptred isle: the WHOLE WORLD can also benefit. A one per cent rise in paid-for software would inject an "estimated" $73bn into the global coffers, compared to $20bn from pirated wares.
Eduardo Rodrigeuz Montemayor, senior research fellow at INSEAD, said putting cash into the pockets of software vendors would make us all better off - but to do, this governments must get tough on software pirates.
Establishing robust IP laws that protect vulnerable software giants, enforce them and lead by example by initiating software asset audits were needed to feel the full impact, he added.
Matt Fisher, boss at software compliance firm License Dashboard, said this was "more of the same" from the BSA "as they continue to miss opportunities to strike a chord with their target audience".
He said making "high falutin'" claims about the financial benefits of non-pirated software will not cut piracy rates because businesses, not nation states, are using it.
"The statistics themselves also warrant some heavy scrutiny. I think anyone would question the validity of a claim that licensed software offers more economic value than pirated - and frankly who cares? Economists might, but do software managers? Probably not," said Fisher.
The next BSA study is expected to move on to how licensed software can prevent global warming, speed up man's mission to Mars and discover the meaning of life. We'll keep you posted. ®


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Hey Dolls!!
Well looky looky, Christmas has just crept its way in. I can't believe that we are right around the corner from Christmas and 2016! Well ready or not, here they both come. For you all, I'd like to offer some of my favorite suggestions for gift giving during this Holiday Season. I tried my best to provide an offering that has at least one thing for somebody on your list. This year, my approach is to make an effort to support the Small Business as much as possible during the Holidays. This is a new personal preference of mine. In fact, one of my 2016 goals is to make at least one purchase per month from a small business. I love the uniqueness and personalization that comes along with a purchase from a small business. In my experience, most items stand out and people can't help but ask "Where'd you get that?" So here we are Dolls, get into this 2015 Holiday Gift Guide What's More Important Than Fashion Style – Small Business Edition.
Grand Frank Ties – Tie and lapel pin combos have been pretty popular for the past few years. This Swedish Start up launched in 2014 by Erik Bergstrom and his colleague Sebastian with the dapper dresser in mind. Grand Frank offers an appealing collection of Tie and lapel combos sure to please the Modern Gentleman on your Christmas list.
6th&Madison Brogues – Growing up, every girl in my family had a pair of these shoes, and out of nowhere they vanished from the marketplace. Well, that is until6th&Madison launched earlier this year. This shoe line was inspired by the owners desire to find traditional style shoes for her daughter, Madison. She wanted to replicate the style and grace her mother instilled in her. These pink soled shoes will give young fashionistas around the world vintage style with a modern twist. If you have a budding fashionista in your life, give her a surge of girl power with a pair of 6th&Madison brogues!
Power Cube – Nowadays, everyone has some type of device they transport everywhere, from phones, to tablets, to laptops. No matter what brand is your preference battery life is a common denominator. Enter the Power Cube, the perfect gift for the "Creative On The Go", and hey I'm going to go ahead and be bias and say, "The Blogger", LOL! The Power Cube by Allocacoc is not a power socket, but a power solution, providing consumers with the freedom to work wherever it is the most convenient.
Wilson Connected Basketball – Alright Dolls, I broke the rules with this one. This is not a Small Business gift, but hey it is unique nonetheless. We have all heard the term, "Work Smart, Not Hard", right…well Wilson is taking it to another level for basketball lovers with the world's first attachment-free smart basketball with revolutionary Make/Miss Technology inside to track shooting stats, gamify training, and make you a clutch shooter anytime, anywhere. The connected ball pairs with the Wilson X App to track shooting percentages and range as you shoot your way through four addicting game modes, that way you can analyze the data and improve your game.
Clair Cardigan – If you're in the market for attractive, versatile and trend-setting college apparel for the Collegiate or Alumni on your Christmas list, the Tradition Brand has got you covered. Far beyond the basic t-shirts and sweat shirts available on the market when I was a college student, these options produce college clothing that represents the rich history and unique experiences that Colleges and Universities are known for. A fashionable addition to any Current Collegiate or Alluring Alumni's wardrobe.
Personalized Coasters – A Perfect Gift for the Happy Hostess in your life. Why not liven up her table top with a gift that is sure to be remembered. Personalize them with your own text and photos. Surprise your hostess with a collection of some of their favorite party moments in quotes in coaster format. This functional and fabulous gift from Paper Culture is sure to be a hit!
Gold Label Cosmetics Lipstick in "First Class" – I recently stumbled across this brand while checking my Instagram page and I was immediately intrigued. The beautiful gold packaging is the first thing that caught my eye to this brand started by makeup artist Kristen Elise Brown in 2012. These lipsticks are gluten and paraben free, highly pigmented, designed to satisfy every taste level from classic to trendy! I say they are definitely a steal at only $14 per tube. A perfect gift for the Makeup and Beauty Muse in your life.
Amazing Grace Clutch – If you have someone on your Christmas list that loves head turning accessories, then Kashmir Thompson has the perfect gift for you! Her collection of clutches is infused with vibrant color and her delightful depictions of all of your favorites from 80s & 90s Urban Pop Culture! A 25 year old visual artist from Cleveland who decided to take her talent to the next level in 2014 has become exceedingly popular amongst fashionable urbanistas. Her pieces are definitely fashionable collector's items.
eco.LOVE Wine – Looking for a gift for your self-proclaimed/budding wine connoisseur, well look no further than the eco.LOVE wine by the McBride sisters who are passionate about re-imagining the culture of wine. The current selection includes a Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc, a South Island Riesling, and a Marlborough Pinot Noir. The McBride sisters are the new generation of wine Négociant holding on to their motto - "We believe that everybody can be innovative and creative in their own way, eco.LOVE Wines is our way. I for one am dying to try this wine. To find out more about the McBride sisters story, click here, to purchase eco.LOVE wine, click here.
Nubian Skin – Not just your ordinary nude, Nubian Skin fills in the gap where other companies leave out suitable skin tone lingerie. Birthed out of frustration by founder Ade Hassan, a carefully edited collection of lingerie and hosiery was developed to provide the essential underwear needs of women of color. Only a few clicks away, you will find the perfect present for the Lingerie Lover in your life.
Veronica Marche Prints – Veronica is a freelance fashion illustrator and naturally, a lifelong lover of fashion and style! Her artwork features women of all ethnicities and celebrates the glamour of a multicultural world. Need a gift for someone who loves fashion infused artwork that relates to them and the women they know, then Veronica Marche is your go to girl!
The Super Fab Financial Planner – Dolls, you know that we are all about Fashion and Finance over here, so naturally I'd find a gift to help you get your financial house in order. This Financial Planner Authored by Millennial Money Coach Tonya Rapley was designed for those looking for a ways to organize their finances. A thoughtful gift for a newly independent young adult or anyone who is in need of Financial management and organization.
Well Dolls, I certainly hope this Gift Guide is beneficial to you and the people on your Christmas List. Enjoy your Holiday Season Dolls and Have Fun Shopping!!


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Drill bits are designed to do one thing: make holes in stuff.
That is, except when they are intended to drive hardware, or sand wood, or, well… it's not as simple as buying a set from the hardware store and havin' at it.
So here is my breakdown on common bit types, with advice on how to choose the right drill bit for the task you're planning to tackle.
(From left) Brad-point bit, twist bit, countersink bit, Forstner bit. Photo: CGardner
1. Brad-point bit: This is a fluted bit with a special spur on the tip, which inserts itself into wood and keeps the bit firmly in place, allowing you to drill a clean entry hole. Generally coated in titanium, brad-point bits remove waste efficiently and make speedy work of jobs requiring a high degree of detail.
2. Twist bit: This standard "kit" bit has a cutting point and, like the brad-point, is fluted to remove waste. Though by far the most common type in this discussion, the twist bit is actually meant to drill into metal at slow speeds; use it wisely in household DIYs.
3. Countersink bit: Designed to create a tapered pilot hole or countersink for flush screw heads, this guy can save you loads of time. Stock up!
4. Forstner bit: Boring precise, flat-bottomed holes in wood, Forstner bits create the cleanest finish you can get with holes greater than a half-inch, but they're better suited for drill presses than hand drills, as they require considerable force to be applied when removing waste material.
(From left) Spade bit, hole saw, countersink cutter, sanding drum. Photo: CGardner
5. Spade bit: Also called "paddle bits," these are geared toward rough boring in wood. Since the cutters are so large, spade bits facilitate drilling large holes and are the right choice if you're running wires, cables, or pipes that won't be seen.
6. Hole saw: Used for making fairly large holes in sheet goods and other thin materials, hole saws work faster than Forstner bits, removing only the outer perimeter with their saw teeth (rather than the entire waste of the hole). Buy a quality mandrel and several sizes of hole saw to use on the same chuck hardware.
7. Countersink cutter: Occasionally necessary for atypical hardware (in cases where the countersink bit is inappropriate), this type of bit creates a steep chamfer for the purpose of countersinking hardware.
8. Sanding drum. Different from the other bits in this roundup in that it doesn't produce a hole, the sanding drum is installed into a chuck to smooth out curves and other non-planar shapes at high speeds. Essential in my toolbox, these often come in kits and last… forever.
For more on woodworking, consider:
How To: Drill Straigh 90º Holes
10 Ways to Use Your Cordless Drill/Driver
5 Ways to Get Perfect, Clean Cuts in Plywood


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Tight and punchy loops for your projects! The Groove Loops sample library includes score files, one shots and Channel presets, so you get access to all the components you need to create your own original loops.
Click here to get Groove Loops for just $29 USD
Check out the free sample pack on the product page.
About the library
Sourced from projects developerd for Groove Machine and Groove Machine Mobile, these royalty free loops are ready to inspire FL Studio producers. The sliced loops are ideal for use with Slicex. Rearrange the playback order of slices or apply creative envelopes for example. Un-sliced loops for easy drag and drop to the FL Studio Playlist as audio clips. All melodic loops are based on the key of A, for easy mix and match of loops (see the demo video above).
- 134 sliced wav loops
- 134 un-sliced wav loops
- 92 One shot drum samples
- 90 One shot synth samples
- 68 score files, play the melodic and drum note patterns with your own instrument plugins
- 68 FL Studio format score files
- 90 Corresponding sampler channel presets
- FL Studio Performance mode project compatible with FL 12.1 onward
- FL Studio Performance mode project compatible with FL 11.1 onward
All samples are 44.1 kHz, 32bit float WAV format with integrated tempo sync data.


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