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VICTORIA — The B.C. Legislature's handling of its almost $70 million annual budget is such a mess that Auditor-General John Doyle says he can't tell whether any money is missing or has been improperly spent.
On Thursday, Doyle released a scathing audit of the taxpayer-funded operation that pays MLA salaries and expenses, and runs the daily business — everything from Hansard to security — at the provincial legislature.
The 17-page document revealed Doyle's team had to correct or properly record a cumulative $1.3 billion in transactions over many years before they could even begin to reconcile the Legislature's finances.
It also found that the Legislative Assembly was paying the balances on credit cards MLAs use for travel expenses without documentation, an amount that would likely range into the hundreds of thousands of dollars each year.
Doyle also found the legislature is not producing audited annual reports, normal practice for any public body.
"It's really bad," said Doyle, who has probed some of the biggest organizations in government.
Asked whether he knows if any money is missing from the legislative accounts, Doyle replied: "We don't know."
"So far, this audit has taken more effort and energy in regard to my staff doing this work than some of the largest organizations in this province," he said.
"We had to restrict ourselves eventually to just correcting the errors rather than delving even deeper into the financial transactions, and that's what I propose to do at some time in the future, is to actually dive deeper into the transactions to make sure that they're all appropriate."
Doyle, who began issuing warnings to legislative management in 2007, added that even basic accounting practices were being ignored.
He said that in March 2011, the Legislative Assembly's internal financial records strayed from what was in the bank by $133 million.
"It's like you looking at your bank account and it's got zero on the bank account, and yet your financial records show that you've got $130 million overdrawn," he said.
"That's how far wrong they were in what they were doing."
Doyle added he sees no reason why the legislature should be exempt from having to produce annual reports.
"There's more than 100 organizations in the government reporting entity that complete financial statements and do performance indicators," he said.
"Why should the Legislative Assembly be so secret?"
A committee of MLAs chaired by Speaker Bill Barisoff called the Legislative Assembly Management Committee (LAMC) is charged with overseeing operations at the legislature.
On Thursday, Barisoff acknowledged there were issues in the audit, but attributed them to a conflict over accounting procedures.
"It comes down to accounting procedures that the [Legislative] comptroller thinks should go one way and the auditor-general thinks should go the other way," said Barisoff, who is also a B.C. Liberal MLA.
Speaking from Penticton, he added the legislature has now brought on a consulting firm, a former government accountant and a former auditor-general to help deal with the issue.
"As we ended up over time we could see we either had a personality conflict or we had a conflict between how the comptroller and the auditor-general thought things should be reported and at that point in time we decided we needed to bring someone else in," he said.
Doyle's response was swift.
"I think the Speaker might not appreciate the gravity of the findings and hasn't yet quite worked out what this means properly, and what his responsibilities are," he said.
Doyle added he first highlighted the issues in a 2007 audit.
He said he also sent multiple management letters to the Clerk of the House, then George MacMinn, and to Legislative Comptroller Dan Arbic, warning of the significant issues that had yet to be addressed.
He said these letters would have been shared with the Speaker.
In his audit, Doyle said the legislature's management sent the issue to LAMC, even though it was clear the organization rarely meets and "does not appear to be actively involved in the Legislative Assembly's operational activities."
On Thursday, Craig James, who was last year replaced MacMinn as Clerk of the Legislative Assembly, issued a statement saying much has already been done to fix the situation.
"To date, the Assembly has already resolved key issues identified in the 2012 audit report. Stronger financial processes have been put in place to resolve concerns regarding bank reconciliation and management oversight. Improved inventory record keeping has been developed, and the assembly is in the process of determining how best to address other departures from Generally Accepted Accounting Principles," James said, adding more will be done in future.
"We recognize that the shortcoming of previous financial practices must continue to be corrected and further progress will be made at the earliest opportunity."
Government House leader Rich Coleman, who sits on the LAMC, was out of the country Thursday and could not be reached for comment.
New Democratic Party house leader John Horgan, who also sits on the committee, said he was "surprised and disappointed" by the audit findings.
"I think it's an embarrassment for all members of the legislature. This isn't a partisan issue. This is an issue of our ability to manage our affairs and I think the public, when they look at this, are going to shake their heads in disappointment and that's a slight for all of us," he said.
Horgan also said he believes LAMC is "too secretive" and in need of a major overhaul.
"The internal financial practices have been out of control. You hire people to manage those affairs but then you have to manage those people. The governance of the LAMC committee has failed in that regard," he said.
"I think the politicians, myself included, need to take responsibility for that."


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Kelley family had money troubles
- Socialite embroiled in the Kelley scandal faced multiple lawsuits over bad debt
- Her "flirtatious" e-mails are being reviewed
- Creditors allege non-payment of debts
The Tampa socialite whose complaint to the FBI began the unraveling of the David Petraeus affair faced multiple lawsuits for credit card debts and foreclosures, according to records and several reports.
Jill Kelley, 37, an unpaid social liaison to MacDill Air Force Base, and her cancer-surgeon husband, Scott Kelley, threw lavish parties but were sued at least nine times for being millions of dollars in debt, according to the records.
The revelations came a day after the Petraeus scandal widened with the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan under investigation for alleged "inappropriate communications" with Kelley.
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta revealed that the Pentagon has begun an internal investigation into thousands of pages of e-mails from Gen. John Allen to Jill Kelley. A senior Defense official described the e-mails as "flirtatious."
Petraeus resigned last week over an extramarital affair with writer and former Army officer Paula Broadwell. The affair came to light after Jill Kelley allegedly received anonymous, threatening e-mails and sent them to the FBI. Officials tracked the e-mails to Broadwell and discovered her relationship with Petraeus.
The Kelleys have had financial troubles for years.
In 2010, Regions bank brought a $1.8 million foreclosure suit and a $453,000 suit, while Bank of America sued for $25,000 in unpaid credit card charges, The Telegraph reports.
In 2011, Central Bank sued the Kelleys and Kelley Land Holdings over a three-story office building in downtown Tampa they owned, according to The Tampa Bay Times. The couple owed the bank nearly $2.2 million, including attorney fees, and a judge ordered the building sold.
Other suits include a debt case from Chase bank and a credit card case from FIA Card Services, according to reports.
Hillsborough County Court records show many of the lawsuits remain open and active.
Despite money problems, Jill Kelley threw lavish parties including one where she was pictured in 2010 at her $1.2 million mansion with Petraeus.
She and her husband have hired Washington, D.C.-based crisis manager Judy Smith and attorney Abbe Lowell. Neither has returned several calls.

subset: commoncrawl


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Is This the Best College Basketball Dunk Ever? [VIDEO]
In what may be one of the most spectacular saves in basketball this year, Nate Davis of Heidelberg University caught a high-flying rebound and pulled off an amazing dunk during a game against Trine University.
After Victor Fortkamp misses a tip dunk and sends the ball flying 10 feet above the rim, Davis comes out of nowhere and sends the ball home with a spectacular two-handed slam. Watch the amazing play below.
[via BuzzFeed]


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Sunrises are spectacular in Xpu-ha, we caught a few. We'd watch the sun rise and walk the bay end to end. The first one, a dog greeted us, we didn't know who he belonged to, but he followed us. It was like rent-a-dog. By the second sunrise I realized he belonged to one of the employees of the hotel. He was secured much of the day, but free to roam each morning. We were annoyed at first, but he grew on us after that first day. He was by our side every morning.
Getting acquainted.
Chasing birds
Walking along the shore.
This place is shuttered, it never really got off the ground.
We grabbed a bite, here, last trip. It's looks like it's been abandoned for quite sometime now.
Notice the steam coming off the water. The water was that much warmer than the air.
These were great starts to each day.


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A Retrode user just contributed some code that can read GBA/N64 saves - but it hasn't been merged into the firmware yet. We'll have to give it some time to make sure we don't break existing functionality.
I hope this update becomes available soon, I have Oracle of Ages and Oracle of Seasons I want to backup the save data on.
Isn't part of the difficulty with accessing N64 saves in getting the file out in a form where an emulator can use it? (...) However, wouldn't it be easier for the Retrode2 if one were only concerned, for example, with simply copying from the cartridge (...) in the exact format as it is used by the N64 console for backup (...)


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Last week at school, they played a name recognition game where they write a student's name on the whiteboard and if it is your name you stand up. While Sylvia has really started to understand her name and other "S" names, she has also picked up a name for her yet to be born baby sister. (Well we think that is the baby she is talking about... it is always referred to as "her baby")
For the past two weeks or so, Sylvia has been talking about Baby Gouda. While this may seem a bit strange for a not yet three year old, she definitely has a pallet for the 'fancy' cheeses. She has sampled, and liked, over 10 different varieties of cheeses from an aged farmhouse cheddar to dads favorite blue cheese. Not your run of the mill, hot chicken wings dipping sauce blue cheese... we are talking dirty feet stinky blue cheese, and she loves it! So, I guess that Baby Gouda may not be too far out there for our big girl. I am hoping that she refrains from taking too many bites of the little one once August rolls around.
Last week at school, they played a name recognition game where they write a student's name on the whiteboard and if it is your name you stand up. While Sylvia has really started to understand her name and other "S" names, she has also picked up a name for her yet to be born baby sister. (Well we think that is the baby she is talking about... it is always referred to as "her baby")
Saturday, April 30, 2011 | Posted by Brodd Family at 11:59 AM 2 comments
Happy Easter!
As with every holiday, we try to fit three days worth of family and friends into one day. Easter Sunday was no different. We started the day at Dan and Kelley's house in Northfield.
Sylvia was a bit quiet and attached to Dad's arm for most of the morning, but finally broke loose and tried out Shaylan's guitar for a while.
Since the weather was finally warming up, they also had a chance to play outside on the deck with the trikes and the slide.
The next stop was Tim and Marilyn's house just down the road. While I was out back keeping the young ones occupied, the Easter Bunny dropped off the goods. Jared, Blake, and Sylvia quickly gathered up the eggs.... They actually did a good job a sharing - well, they gave Sylvia all of the raisins, while they took the gummy bears, so maybe not such a good job...
And the last stop for the day was at the Willard house. Liz's parents were in town for the Easter weekend / Charlie's 1st birthday and the Roses and us shared in the fun.
A bit of kickball in the driveway
followed by some swinging and sliding
and lastly Charlie and Reagan trying to prevent their skin from touching the grass... the parents really got a kick out of this one.
It was time to leave, which is always a fun thing to do, and Sylvia had to throw a little bit of a fit, but then again it was a very long day with a really short nap, so all things considered, she did pretty good.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011 | Posted by Brodd Family at 10:13 AM 0 comments
Savannah Trip
While the trip isn't over, we had a bit of 'down time' to pull together some pictures of our trip so far. The weather has been beautiful and we have spent most of the time outside.
Here Jamie is posing in front of the fountain in Forsyth Park.
Adam before dinner at The Crab Shack. This place is likely a huge tourist trap, but the shrimp boil was great.
We spent the day at Tybee Island today. It was a great beach and the first time I was in the Atlantic Ocean.
On the way to Tybee Island, we stopped at Bonaventure Cemetery. It was a large cemetery with tons of moss covered trees. Very cool stuff.
A staple of Savannah is Mrs. Wilkes Boarding House. They serve lunch only and we waited in line for over an hour, but the food was great! You share the table with those you waited in line with, so we got to know the people from Vermont well. There was also a couple from Texas, and three from Oklahoma. Not much talking at the table however, as everyone was busy eating.
And of course the Mercer house from "The Garden of Good and Evil" book fame.
And because we live in a world filled of technology, I had to share the picture of Sylvia at school today. She is finally starting to feel a bit better and it looks like she was enjoying art time today.
See you all soon! Adam and Jamie
Friday, April 15, 2011 | Posted by Brodd Family at 3:23 PM 5 comments
Froggy Bottoms
What a cute little bottom. We have been trying to catch her doing the Monkey Dance, but as soon as she sees the video camera she won't perform. We will keep trying :)
Monday, April 4, 2011 | Posted by Brodd Family at 10:08 AM 2 comments


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University of Vermont
Edward C. Andrews (1970 - 1976)
Edward C. Andrews, who served as dean of the College of Medicine before his selection in 1970 as UVM's twentieth president, was the first medical doctor to head the university. He was born in Rockland, Maine, on January 9, 1925, and like his former teacher Lyman Rowell, he moved to Vermont early in his childhood.
Dr. Andrews attended the university as a premedical student in 1942–43 before he transferred to Middlebury College where he earned his B.A. degree under the Navy's V-12 program. He then earned his M.D. degree in 1951 from Johns Hopkins University where he served his internship and residency. He joined the UVM faculty in 1958 as an associate professor of pathology. In 1964 he was selected to serve as associate dean of the College of Medicine, and he was appointed dean in 1966. He married Jean Lyndes, and they are the parents of five children.
Andrew's term as president differed from that of his immediate predecessors in one basic, and very important, respect. Whereas UVM had experienced a continuous expansion since World War II, Andrews faced a period of financial retrenchment that was destined to limit future growth. During the first two years of the Andrews' presidency, the expansion continued as undergraduate enrollment increased from 5,800 to 7,000 students. In addition, an ambitious building program was completed with the dedication of the Harris-Millis residence halls, the Cook Physical Sciences Building, and the Rowell Nursing and Allied Health Science Building. However, little new construction was begun, the major exception being the Living/Learning Center, which was opened in 1973 as a successor to the experimental program.
By 1972 economic stagflation and recession had placed constraints on the university's growth. The trustees approved a temporary budget deficit of almost $700,000. At the same time, they made a watershed decision by placing a limit of 7,200 on future undergraduate enrollment. This marked the first departure from the expansionist philosophy that had characterized UVM's rapid growth throughout the entire postwar period.
The trustees explored a number of different options in an effort to deal with the difficult financial situation. In 1972 they voted to merge the university with the four Vermont State Colleges, but this plan was defeated in the state legislature. Despite attempts to economize, the university's budget continued to grow to $49 million by 1974. The state appropriation, which was not sufficient to keep up with this growth, dropped to 22 percent of total revenues, and federal grants dropped to 20 percent. UVM was forced to make additional cuts in virtually all areas, including athletics where the varsity football program was discontinued as part of a $1.5 million budget reduction program. At a meeting with alumni leaders in November 1974, President Andrews described the "very difficult" budget outlook and explained that "it has become clear...we are going to have to reduce the scope of the university."
Although the Andrews years were a time of financial retrenchment, this did not mean there were no initiatives. Since new construction was so expensive, an imaginative program of building renovations was begun on campus. A plan for the conversion of the old gym into the Royall Tyler Theatre was devised by Drama Director Edward J. Feidner. Ira Allen Chapel was remodeled to provide a large lecture and concert hall with more comfortable seating and improved acoustics, and the state contributed funds to reunite the campus by constructing an underground pedestrian tunnel beneath Main Street. In addition, the Living/Learning Center and the Environmental Studies Program were launched, the Center for Research on Vermont was strengthened, and the Aiken Lecture Series was begun.
President Andrews resigned, effective June 1975, to become the president of the Maine Medical Center in Portland where he remained until he retired in 1989. Despite the difficult financial situation he encountered at UVM, the university continued to experience substantial growth during his tenure with budgeted resources increasing by over 40 percent to $54 million in 1976. In addition, total enrollment grew to 8,600 students. Yet, the Andrews presidency marked a turning point for the university. Although some would lament the end of the years of rapid growth, others would conclude that UVM had positioned itself uniquely to develop into a very high-quality, small public university.
Last modified September 30 2012 04:45 PM


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Compare cheap flights from Cairns to Windhoek
When is the cheapest time to fly to Windhoek?
The Hosea Kutako International Airport is the primary airport in Windhoek and the entire country and services flights to and from Namibia. The location of the airport (45 km to the east) is very strategic. Tourists will not have a hard time navigating the city from the airport.
Explore Windhoek
There are several sights and attractions that will entrance tourists once they get to Windhoek. The Katutura, Daan Viljoen Game Park where tourists can freely roam the area without fear of being attacked by animals, Tintenplast, Zoo Park, which was a zoo and turned into a park and the Turnhalle. There are so many activities that tourists can dabble in while on holiday in Windhoek and the natural beauty of the city are just amazing. Packing up comfortable shoes is advisable as there will be a lot of walking and trekking in this holiday.
Look for cheap flights to Windhoek and book them on your scheduled holiday via Skiddoo.
Temperature average in September
Rainfall average in September
3 mm
Cheapest time to fly to Windhoek (WDH)
All prices refer to return flights to Windhoek and include taxes and charges.
Our experiences customer support team is there to help you every step of the way.
With the Skiddoo Price Promise, if you find a cheaper price online we'll match it!


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Luke 10:20
But don't rejoice because evil spirits obey you; rejoice because your names are registered in heaven."
Revelation 20:12
I saw the dead, both great and small, standing before God's throne. And the books were opened, including the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to what they had done, as recorded in the books…
Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
(gospel tract by the late Peter J. Peters, Church of Christ pastor)
By Peter J. Peters
There are a lot of people who understand the Identity issue, and are not Christians. People are not being told how to become a Christian. Many ministries are addressing the identity issue, but those ministries, for the most part, are not telling people how to become a Christian. In Churches today, most people are not Christians—they have not been born of the water and the spirit. They must do what the Bible tells them to do and not what their preachers tell them to do. And, if you listen to the preachers of the land today, be it a Billy Graham Crusade, or the promise keepers that are now becoming so prominent, or the average Podunk Hollar Judeo-Christian that gives an invitation at the end of the service—they are all being told to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior and let him come into their heart. But, the Bible does not tell us that. No one in the Bible was ever told to let Jesus Christ come into their heart.
There are a lot of people who will be offended by this message. But, I am going to tell the truth on how to become a Christian. There are a lot of concealed truths in the Bible—therefore, we have to search them out. If you search out the references that you will find in this message, you will find that the truth is there in clear print on how to become a Christian.
The scriptures contain many truths that are better understood by relating them to the physical world. For example:
1Peter 2-1 "therefore, putting aside all malice and all guile and hypocrisy and envy and slander, like newborn babes, long for the pure milk of the Word, that by it, they may grow in respect to salvation…"
How many people have read this passage, but do not practice it? It tells us that we are to be like newborn babes that long for the pure milk of the Word. I remember one time when I was talking to my son on the phone and I could hear my grandson in the background; he was not happy. When I ask my son what was wrong with him, he said, "He is longing for milk and his mother is not here." A baby like that longs for the milk. And the scripture teaches that we are longing for the milk of the Word. These pages absolutely contain the milk of the Word.
1Chorinthians 3-1. "And, brother, I could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men in flesh, as to babes in Christ. I gave you milk to drink, not solid food, for you were not able to receive it. Indeed, even now, you are not yet able; for you are still fleshly." This teaches that many people are just fleshly (non-spiritual men and women) who want the meat, when they really need is the milk. What they need is to be born and to become babes in Christ.
Hebrews5-12. "For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again to have someone teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the Word of righteousness, for he is a babe. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice, has his senses trained to discern good and evil."
Verse 12 says that we need to go back to the milk of the Word. And that is what I am telling you now. You need to become Christians. In life, we often ask each other questions:
What are you going to do when you get out of school?
What are you going to do when you get out of college?
What are you going to do when you get out of the service?
What are you going to do when the kids are grown?
What are you going to do when you retire?
There is another question that you need to be asking—what are you going to do when you die? Particularly, if you haven't properly addressed this question of how to become a Christian. I am finding out that this thing called life goes by rather quickly and you will be asking yourself that question before you know it, if you are not already doing so. What are you going to do when you die? You need to know how to become a Christian.
There is a passage in Matthew 7 that people should read. Especially, people that have believed the lie "Accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior." I know that you have heard people say, "I became a Christian on such and such a day, I remember it well; I began to pray and I was born again." Or, "I was sitting on the front porch and I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and I became a Christian." Well, no, they did not and neither will you in that way. NO ONE, NO ONE becomes a Christian except by God's way.
Now, if that does not make you feel good, go find a church that makes you feel good. My job is not to make you feel good. My job is to tell you the truth, and the truth is, no one becomes a Christian by accepting Christ as their personal savior. If you accepted Christ as your personal savior, good for you! But, now, why don't you do what the Bible says?
The Bible tells us that there would be a people that would be totally deluded on this point. In Matthew 7, Christ had just finished talking about the false prophets.
Matthew 7-15. "Beware of the false prophet, who comes to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly, are ravenous wolves.
Matthew 15-20. "So, then, you will know them by their fruits. Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he who does the will of my Father, who is in heaven."
Let's do the fruit test—to see if these creatures are a bunch of fruitcakes. First, you have to recognize that they could be a false prophet. I could be a false prophet—many people believe that I am. I would appreciate the fact that you would be suspicious. You ought to be because the Lord said, "Beware of the false prophet."
So, what are you supposed to do? You are to do a fruit test. Some people are very convincing, but it is not what they say that is important, but rather do they do the Will of the Father? How are you to know? Take the Bible to see if what they say and what I am saying is the Will of the Father.
Matthew 7-22. "not everyone that says to Me on that day (the day of judgment), Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name; and, in Your name cast out demons? And in Your name perform many miracles? And then I will declare to them, I never knew you. Depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness."
Let's analyze that. First of all, in Verse 22, many people on that day believed in Jesus. It is most obvious that they believed because they call him Lord. Did these people in Verse 22 do many works in His name? Did they prophesize in His name? Did they cast out demons? Did they perform many miracles? The answer is yes. Yes. Now, in Verse 23—read it for yourself—"Depart from me you who practice lawlessness." Were they saved? No, because they did not follow the Will or the law of God. They did not become a Christian God's way. They obviously thought they were Christians; they pointed out their works—and, they did works. They did perform miracles. They did cast out demons. How? There were tapping into a law of God that says, "Faith moves mountains." But, they were not saved.
It is clear that these people believed. But, faith is not enough. Why were they surprised? Because they had been listening to false prophets. They were not Christians because they believed the lie that all they had to do was to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior.
It goes something like this:
"Come forward, if you will. Let us pray together. Come to the altar. Sign this little card. Pray with us. Actually, there is a variety of means, but it all comes back to the doctrine that says faith only. Faith is enough. The previously mentioned people had faith; they had great faith. They had enough faith to do great things—but, they were not saved! They had listened to false prophets. Go to Acts17. Underline Verse 11, and then do it yourself.
Acts 17-11. " For these were more noble-minded than those in Thessalonica, for they received the Word with great eagerness, examining the scriptures daily, to see if these things were so."
There we see that it is a noble thing in the eyes of God to examine the scriptures in seeking the truth.
If I were to tell you, in answer to the question "How to Become a Christian", to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, then you should examine the scriptures to see if this is right. You should examine the scriptures to see if there was one solitary soul in the entire New Testament that was ever told to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. Now, this fact alone should impress you. Here is the biggest lie in Christendom today, besides Jews and God's chosen people, that's not in the Bible.
John 3-16. If there is ever a scripture that has been memorized, it is this one.
"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that whomsoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."
This is the verse that is most normally used to promote the "faith only" doctrine. So, all you have to do is believe. NO! You just read a scripture where people believed that Jesus was Lord and yet they were not saved.
There is another passage in this area of belief that is also used to promote this faith only doctrine.
Romans 10-8. "The Word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart. If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you shall be saved. For with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth, he confesses, resulting in salvation."
This verse is so clear. If you believe that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. If you just take John 3-16 and Romans 10-8, then I can understand why you might think all you have to do to become a Christian is to believe in Jesus. But, there are many other scriptures that pertain to this thing called salvation. Belief is not enough. The reason it is not enough is because all people have a problem. This problem is—regardless of your net worth or your lineage or your age or where you come from—we are all sinners.
Romans 3-23. "For all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God."
We have all sinned. John 3-4 says that sin is a transgression against God's law. One time, when I was in a motel lobby, I saw Dr. Kevorikian on TV (he is the doctor that assists people in committing suicide). He was saying, "What I do might be against what you believe. You might believe what I do is a sin. But, it is not a crime. Man, for a doctor this man was not very smart!! It might be a sin, but not a crime? Sin is a crime. The definition of a crime is, "a violation of the law." The definition of sin is, "a violation of the law." Therefore, a crime is a sin and a sin is a crime. Every one of us is a criminal in the eyes of God. So much so that Romans 6-23 says that we are worthy of death as sinners or criminals.
Romans 6-23. "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
You might not consider yourself a criminal. You might say, as most criminals that go to jail, "I am innocent." But, you must understand that it makes no difference how you perceive yourself when you stand before the judge; what makes a difference is whether or not the judge perceives you as guilty. And, there will be a day of reckoning—a day when you will have judgment. It will make no difference then how much you believe or how you have professed Christ as your savior; if you stand before the judge full of sin, you will hear the gavel come down and you will hear the pronouncement of "guilty". For, "the wages of sin is death." Period. So, if we stand before the judge as believers; as people who have professed Christ; as people who have done great works, but we still have sin to account for, then we will be pronounced guilty. Just like the people in Matthew 7.
What I am trying to encourage you to believe is that you are a sinner. Even if you have convinced yourself that you are no longer the criminal worthy of the judgment of death because you have believed or accepted, then you should read in Hebrews 9 about sin. It is important that you understand that just believing in Christ only makes you a believing sinner. Or professing Christ just makes you a professing sinner. There is only one thing that will take care of sin.
Hebrews 9-14. "How much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit, offers himself without blemish to God, cleanse your conscience from dead works, to serve the Living God."
Notice, it is the blood of Christ that cleanses.
Hebrews 9-22. "According to the law, one may almost say that all things are cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness."
What you must realize is that you cannot have the forgiveness of sins without the blood of Christ. The shed blood of Christ causes cleansing and forgiveness. If you are a believer —good! I do not want to minimize that because you must believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God; that he came in the flesh and died for your sins.
John 8-24: "I said therefore to you that you shall die in your sins for unless you believe that I Am, you shall die in your sins."
Jesus was saying that unless you believe that He is God manifest in the flesh that you will die in your sins. There once was a preacher, an Identity preacher, even, who preached that Jesus was not God in the flesh. And some people fell for his lies. The reason that I angered so many people years ago when I pointed out his error was that he was a friend to so many. But I don't care if I made him mad. If your friend is teaching that Jesus is just another God then that person is a false teacher. Christ said that unless you believe that I Am you will die in your sins.
John 1-1, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God,"
John 1 then goes on to say that the Word became flesh, and, unless you believe that, you will never become a Christian. It is absolutely essential that you believe this. But, believing is not enough. That is what this message is all about.
As a believer, you still have your sin and the only thing that will wash away your sin is the blood of Christ.
Mathew 26-28, "For this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins."
There is not a preacher in the land that cannot under-stand this passage. But, we cannot see how that blood is applied to our lives. I can hold up a bar of soap and tell you if you want your hands clean, you will have to believe on the soap. How absurd!! You have to apply the soap in order to get your hands clean. And so it is with the blood. You have to apply the blood to your own lives. How? How the Bible tells you to.
In Acts, Chapter 2, after the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ, Christ has told the apostles to go to Jerusalem and wait there until what has been promised to them has come and the baptism of the Holy Spirit has occurred. Peter is preaching on the day of Pentecost—that is, 50 days after the crucifixion.
ACTS 2-36, "Therefore, let all of the house of Israel know for certain that God has made Him both Lord and Christ–this Jesus that you have crucified."
Acts 2-37, "Now, when they heard this they were pierced to the heart and they said to Peter, 'Brethren, what shall we do?'"
Peter had filled them with conviction and they were asking him what they needed to do to become a Christian. Now, don't you think it would be better for you to listen to what the Apostle Peter had to say on the subject of becoming a Christian than to listen to some preacher telling you to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Acts 2-38, "And Peter said to them, repent, and let each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins and you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
Peter did not say, come forward and accept Jesus as your personal savior. Nor did he say to believe. Why didn't Peter say anything about believing? The answer is simple—it would have been redundant. They were already in the believing state.
Many people that I minister to are in the believing state. They believe in Christ—that he is the great I Am that came in the flesh. But, now, according to Verse 38, what is the first thing that a believer is supposed to do? Repent.
Let's discuss for a minute what repentance is. Repentance is probably the hardest part in becoming a Christian because you have to acknowledge that you are a sinner—that you are lost. It is sorrow for your sins–a humility–that causes you to repent. But, repentance is more that feeling sorry and humbly acknowledging that you are a sinner. It is a change of heart that leads to a change of action. It is a surrender where you say, "Lord, I am no longer king or queen of my life, but Thy will be done. Whatever you want me to stop doing, I am going to try to stop doing. And, Lord, whatever you want me to do, I will try to do." Repentance is enthroning Jesus Christ in your life as your master, your Lord, your King. The theme song of sinners might be the famous song sang by Frank Sinatra, "I Did It My Way." The theme song of Christians would be, "I Did It Thy Way."
You might notice how little repentance is emphasized in the modern Judeo-Christian faith. They want you to feel good about yourself—to come forward and accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior. I remember one couple telling me that they allowed their young daughter to go to an Assembly of God youth group meeting— one time. It was a party. The music was playing; the drums emitting a jungle beat; the longhaired leader was singing and teaching. When she came home she told her parents that she had learned that God is cool! God is not cool!! And, he doesn't want us to be cool, either. He wants us to be either hot or cold, but not cool, not lukewarm. He will puke us out of his mouth if we are cool. Because that is what is being proclaimed from many pulpits—puke! We might call them pukeky pulpits!! They are telling people that God is cool and you, too, can be cool. I'm ok and you're ok. YOU ARE NOT OK!! And, you never will be ok until you become a Christian the way the Bible instructs. To be a Christian, you must, number one, believe. And, be willing to believe that He is the Great I Am and to confess him as Lord of your life. And, number two, repent or surrender. It is called in the Bible dying to your old way of life. The old man, the sinful man must die.
What else did Peter tell them to do? He said, "Repent and let each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ.
Ephesians 4-6. "There is one body and one Spirit just as also you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all."
How many hopes are there? ONE.
How many Lords are there? ONE
How many faiths are there? ONE
How many Gods are there? ONE
How many baptisms are there? ONE
There is only one Bible baptism that works in becoming a Christian. It is the one that Peter talked about in Acts 2-38. But, you know, in the world today there are many types of baptism. And two things stand out—the mode and the purpose. For example, the mode might be sprinkling, pouring, emersion, and what I often call dry cleaning (they use no water at all). What is the one mode that God recognizes as baptism? If you look up the meaning of the word in the Concordance you find out that it is baptismal in the Greek and the definition is immerse. In fact, the word was never properly translated from the Greek; rather, it was transliterated. At the time the King James Version was being translated and they came to that word it should have been translated "immerse." But, they transliterated it instead, because the church of the day was sprinkling. So they took the Greek letter beta and substituted the English letter B and took the Greek letter alpha and substituted the English letter A and they went from the Greek baptismal to baptize. In the Greek the word baptize means immerse. The word is an onomatopoeia; that is a word that sounds exactly like what it is. For example, when we say the dog barks, that is exactly what a dog sounds like—bark, bark. When the dipper would hit the water, when it would immerse into the water, it made a noise "bap"—that is where baptismal came from. So, immersion is what that Greek word means. We can also prove this from the Word of God.
Romans 6-3,4. "Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death? Therefore, we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in the newness of life." Chapter 4 talks about baptism as being buried with Christ in baptism. When you take a dead body, what do you do with it? You bury it. You do not sprinkle a little bit of dirt on it—you bury it! You put it completely under.
Now we have the mode, immersion, what about the purpose? In the church world today, we find all of these different reasons for baptism. When my son was a little boy, I took him to a Methodist Church to be baptized. I just thought that we were supposed to do that. They took this little baby—something you never read about in the Bible, a baby being baptized—and they sprinkled some water on him and they said that they were baptizing him or dedicating him as a dedication to the community. I didn't know any better—I had never read the Bible. In retrospect, I think "what a communist concept."
The Baptist Church says baptism is "an outward sign of an inward grace." They baptize so that you can become a member of their church. You go forward and accept Jesus, and that is when they say you are saved–a Christian. Later, you get baptized. So, there are a lot of different reasons that different churches use for baptism. But, look again at Acts 38 and see that Peter said, "Let each one of you repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins." What was the purpose of this baptism? The forgiveness of sins. Some preachers might say, "Are you telling me that you have to be baptized for the remission of sins?" No, that is what the Bible says. Why is it that they can see in Matthew 38 that "blood is poured out for the remission of sins", but cannot see that baptism is for the remission of sins? I will tell you why—because it does not line up
with what they already believe—their actions follow their beliefs. They do not have their heart right with God so that they can see that the Word means just what it says. Baptism is for the remission of sins.
If you want to become a Christian, believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God—the great I Am that came to us in the flesh and died for our sins. You must believe to the point that you are willing to confess with your mouth that He is Lord. And, then do what Peter tells us to do in Acts 2-38, "repent." That is the surrendering of your life when you say, "Lord, not my will by Thy will be done." Not what I believe, or what I want to believe, or what they told me to believe, but what Your Word says. Surrender your life. Repentance is analogous to dying to the old way of life—getting rid of the old man. What do you do with dead people? You bury them. Jesus, in the plan of salvation, had to die for our sins. He had to die a bloody death because blood cleanses sin. He was buried in the tomb and on the third day, he resurrected. If you want to become a Christian, this is what you do. As a believer who is repentant, you must die to your old way of life. And then you are buried, as Romans 6-4 says, "we are buried with Christ through baptism." You are buried in the watery grave of baptism and you are raised up, as the Bible says, to walk in the newness of life. It is so clear when you study it. It is these false teachers that have muddied the waters. Why is it a new life? It is a new life because your sins have been washed away.
So, the Bible teaches that baptism washed away sins. How? Because that is where you come in contact with the blood of Christ. It is just like washing your hands when they are dirty; blood was shed for the remission of sins; baptism is for the remission of sins—that is where the soap is applied to the dirty hands, so to speak. Baptism is where the blood comes into contact with your life. Check for your self.
Acts 22-16, "And, now why do you delay? Arise and be baptized and wash away your sins, calling on His name."
Some might question, "So, you are trying to tell me that baptism saves us?" No, I am not trying to tell you that, the Bible tells you that.
1Peter 3- 21, "and corresponding to that, baptism now saves you."
That is very plain. Baptism saves you.
Remember Acts 2-38? "Repent and let each one of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." This is a very important point. God give us, when we repent, and are baptized, the gift of the Holy Spirit. Repentance is saying, "Lord I will try to stop doing what you don't want me to do and I will try to do what it is that you want me to do." Notice the word, try. We try because Christian people do not lead perfect lives. We still have battles. But, the difference is that when we are willing to do it His way, He gives us help. The Bible tells us that the Holy Spirit is our helper and that He guides us in all truths. I will share a personal illustration. When I was studying the Bible—I believed and I thought that I was a Christian. I had a particular sin problem. I chewed tobacco—it got so that one can of Skol a day was not enough. One time, about 7 at night, I took the can of Skol and threw it in the trash. About 11 that night, I was digging in that same trash can to retrieve that Skol. And, I said, "God, if chewing this tobacco means that I will go to Hell, then I will just have to go to Hell, because I can't give it up." But, when I was baptized for the remission of my sins, I took that Skol can out of my pocket and placed it on a shelf. God gave me the strength, the help that I needed to overcome this habit.
John 16-13. "But, when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth, for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears He will speak and He will disclose to you what is to come."
One of the reasons that it is so hard to get truth into the churches today is because they are not Christians. If they were Christians, if they had repented and been baptized for the remission of their sins, then the Holy Spirit would guide them into all truths. I have observed, as I minister across the land, that those people that have not been baptized for the remission of their sins cannot not wholly grasp the spiritual truths as well as those who have been—they don't have the gift of the Holy Spirit to guide them in the truth.
Ephesians teaches us also that baptism seals us in the holy spirit. A king had a seal that no one else had and when he put his seal on something that seal meant that it was his. Much the same is a brand. How do I know which cows in the pasture are mine? Why, the ones with my brand on them. Now, if we have that seal of the Holy Spirit and people start messing with us, then they have Him to contend with because we are His herd.
Some of the questions you might have are, "what about a child." First of all, does a child have sin? Well, if you are a Catholic, yes, a baby is born of original sin. But, Christ took a child and placed it on his lap and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Can a baby repent of its sins? No. Is there any place in the Bible where a baby is baptized? No.
What about the thief on the cross? That is a different story. He died before Christ and while He was alive, salvation was His to give. Christ gave the thief salvation before He died because it was His to give. But, after His death, while you are living on this side of the cross, you must follow his Last Will and Testament if you want the inheritance. That Will is that you be baptized for the remission of your sins.
What about being rebaptized? Well, yes, according to Acts 19— "people were rebaptized for the proper reasons. For example, if you were baptized to join a church or to obtain the outward sign of an inward grace, what you need to do is have the one baptism of Ephesians 4-5 and Acts 2-38—baptism for the remission of sins.
1John 4,4 says, "that he who is born of God overcomes the world (that world meaning "world order"). Now, if you were part of the world order and you knew that people born of God would overcome you or conquer you, then what you would do is to try to keep them from being born again—born of God. If you want to be born of God, then believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, be willing to confess Him as Lord, humbly repent of your sins, and be baptized (immersed) for the forgiveness of your sins. Then you shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. That is the way to become a Christian. The only way. Reread this message—examine the scriptures yourself—find out if what I tell you is truth. If you have questions, write to me, or call me. I will gladly answer all of your questions. But, then I will have two questions for you.
"Are you a Christian and what are you going to do when you die?"


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Robot copies your muscles and bones
December 12, 2012
Meet Kenshiro, developed by University of Tokyo researchers as a bio-inspired musculoskeletal humanoid robot. They have added more muscles and more motors to their Kojiro robot from 2010, making Kenshiro's underlying structure the closest to a human's form so far.
Video Source: University of Tokio
Kenshiro Robot Gets New Muscles and Bones
Kenshiro: Human Mimetic Musculoskeletal Humanoid


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Industry Blog
The Surveillance Economy and the Price of Subscriber Data
"Subscriber data is the new oil" is a phrase we have heard in the mobile industry for a few years now. However, the person who coined that phrase was probably not thinking that, rather like groceries, personal data would be weighed and priced by the bag, but that is the way it seems to be headed.
In a recent report, the Financial Times published their version of a "rate card" where the price that advertisers will pay for consumer data is averaged and costed. It makes for interesting, although somewhat disconcerting, reading. For 1,000 people, advertisers will pay $.50 cents for basic age and location data. That increases to $2.11 for the details of 1,000 people known to be looking for a new car. But at the top end, advertisers will pay $85.00 for the details of 1,000 people who have just moved houses or 1,000 people who are known to be pregnant, and if you happen to be moving house AND pregnant … who knows what your personal data is worth?
What is driving this roaring but largely unobserved market in consumer data? There appears to be three driving factors, one is culture, and the other two are due to technology.
Driver #1: "Mobile first" online activity
When you shop in-store, you can generally avoid handing over personal data about yourself, especially if you pay with cash and refuse to sign up for the latest loyalty card - but when shopping online, you cannot. Your mobile device and the website you use effectively act as an efficient "store card," quietly collecting a vast array of information about your likes and dislikes, your personal situation, likely income, the family and friends you buy for, what you search for, and of course, whether you are pregnant or house-hunting. Mobiles provide an even more refined, more efficient and more personalized store card than your PC since you are probably the only person using your smartphone, and wherever you go, it goes.
This mobile first trend is feeding the market for subscriber data because data is so easy to collect from mobiles, and mobile has become the default starting point for most people's online activity. In the UK, the increase of 19.2 percent in online shopping over the Christmas period is attributed to the proliferation of tablets and smartphones online shopping, and "click and collect" have become default behaviour.
The fact is that whenever you use your mobile device, someone is tracking and collecting information. It's all about you, and there is no "OFF" button.
Driver #2: The prolific rise in big-data analytics
Ironically, the value of subscriber data is not actually in the data itself. In its raw state, this data comprises many trillions of atomic actions each of which are overwhelmingly insignificant. The real value of data is in its aggregation.
Of course, this is where Big Data comes in - the rise of colossal computing power, as much or as little as you need, delivered anytime, anywhere, via the Cloud. So called "data brokers" are massively parallel software systems, running on thousands of servers simultaneously in the Cloud, and fed with data coming in over superfast broadband connections. Data brokers are capable of scouring through customer records from diverse online sources, and delivering profiled information that can be purchased and used by advertisers, or indeed by other data brokers and further refined and re-purposed. This is where "subscriber data" becomes "subscriber intelligence" - and the dollar price goes on.
Online tracking is universal. Amazon, eBay and Google all feature in any list of the world's top 10 databases, and right now there doesn't seem to be significant regulation on what data they are allowed to gather and aggregate.
Driver #3: Advances in behavioural targeting - at the point of interest
The last piece of this puzzle is provided by recent advances in predictive analytics and behavioural targeting. The same device used to harvest personal data is also the best placed for re-targeting offers and promotions.
Smartphones and tablets are personal, always carried, work in real time, and completely location aware. Simply put, they have all the characteristics needed to fire personal ads directly at your eyeballs.
Good or Bad for Consumers?
We are living in this surveillance economy whether we like it or not. That is the nature of a connected world. But before we get alarmed, it's worth considering the upsides for consumers as well as advertisers.
As consumers in the online world, we stumble upon new interests, recommendations are shared among peer groups, and we have a greater and greater diversity of interests and likes. At the same time, finding exactly what we want is getting harder. Too much information about too many products with too little time to research results in poor decisions and purchases. In my book, anyone who shows ME what I'm interested in without me having to search for it can be my friend!
According to Gartner, mobile advertising spending is forecast to reach $18bn in 2014. Mobile operators still have the momentum here. Success in this medium is highly dependent on using this data responsibly and without appearing intrusive - by and large today most people will trust their mobile operator. However, in order to protect that relationship and capitalise on this growing trend, operators need to move quickly yet prudently. In particular, subscribers need to be explicitly informed when their data is being used, and in what contexts. They need the right to remain anonymous and provide no data; the right to modify their data at any later point in time; and they need the "right to be forgotten" and have their data wiped from any and all databases. The first operators to offer these safeguards, while delivering relevant personal ads, will lead this market.
This blog was published by Wireless Week on Feb 26 Click Here


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Is the mirror-ball trophy really "new and improved"?
One of the three all-stars who survived tonight's double elimination on "Dancing With the Stars" will find out when they compete for ultimate bragging rights on next week's finale.
Hint: Though it's everybody's second rodeo, someone may be a "DWTS" champion for the first time come Tuesday...
U.S. & World
Miss last night's performance show? Read our recap!
That's right, not everybody moving on is a previous winner--though Melissa Rycroft is going to her second finale.
"We need to redeem ourselves in freestyle!" season eight's third-place star said excitedly when she and partner Tony Dovolani found out they were safe. "We were so close in season eight, so close. Now we've got an even bigger fire lit underneath us. Eek!"
The proverbial flame has been extinguished, however, for the winners of season three and four, Emmitt Smith and Apolo Anton Ohno, whose rumba with partner Karina Smirnoff was the judges' encore choice earlier in the evening.
Backstage scoop: Shawn Johnson played the "mama bear" this week
"This competition was hard from the beginning," Apolo admitted. "Karina's a champion, I've learned so much about her, she's taught me so much about myself...Every single person who does this show is a champion because it forces you...to become more confident, stronger every single week."
"All these contestants here have pushed me to another level," added Emmitt.
So, this means Melissa and Tony, Shawn and Derek, and Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovskiy will do three routines apiece next week, including a supersize freestyle with major production elements and an "instadance" they'll find out about on the spot.
Brooke Burke-Charvet opens up about thyroid cancer diagnosis
Apolo's fate had already been sealed, but Emmitt got the news after Paula Abdul (who appeared as a guest judge earlier this season) didn't really sing but sorta danced to a medley of her "Forever Your Girl"-era hits in a hyper-produced segment featuring the cartoon cat from "Opposites Attract"; projected images of herself, some dancers, a smug Maksim Chmerkovskiy and a little dog; and the real Paula simulating the motion of swinging at bat at the blown-up Maks.
It was not a straight-up Macy's Stars of Dance performance, to say the least.


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Indicator(redirected from Market Indicator)
Also found in: Dictionary, Thesaurus, Medical, Encyclopedia.
Used in the context of general equities. Technical or fundamental measurement that securities analysts use to forecast the market's direction, such as investment advisory sentiment, volume of stock trading, direction of interest rates, and buying or selling by corporate insiders.
A signal of a security's or the broader economy's health. An indicator may cause a company's stock to rise or fall in price. Indicators can be technical or fundamental in nature. There are three basic types of indicator. A leading indicator occurs before an event or trend takes place, and is thought to be predictive. A coincident indicator happens at the same time as the general trend. Finally, a lagging indicator occurs after the trend is well established, and is thought to confirm it. See also: Signal.
A variable used to forecast the value or change in the value of another variable. For example, changes in the producer price index are used to forecast subsequent changes in the consumer price index. Likewise, some financial analysts believe a change in the money supply is an indicator of the direction of the stock market. See also technical indicator.


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it should be right off your intake manifold.
EGR valves are usually activated by a vacuum line from a thermal sensor. It could be leaks in the vacuum lines, a failure of the sensor, or a failure of the valve itself. Since the valve is exposed to the heat of the exhaust system, it is prone to jamming from carbon buildup and destruction of the vacuum diaphragm from heat.
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I am on Leopard 10.5.8 (my MacBook is too old to upgrade to Snow Leopard) on itunes 10.5, and on iPhone 4 (iOS 5.0).
I have a MobileMe account.
My iPhone shows iCloud is available in the settings but I don't think I have signed up yet. Should I/can I move my MobileMe to iCloud and still be able to sync my phone to my mac? Or should I wait till I upgrade my mac to a newer version before next June.


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Every so often, if you're really lucky, you'll come across a book that grabs you as soon as you pick it up, leaves you wanting to recommend it to every fellow reader you know, and stays with you long after the story has ended. Victoria Loustalot's memoir, This Is How You Say Goodbye, is one of those books. Recently, I had the chance to speak with her about her memoir, in part a chronicle of her father's battle with AIDS, the impact his illness had on her family, and the trip she took years later — a trip she and her father originally meant to take together — to Cambodia, Stockholm and Paris. Read on to see what she had to say...
Andrew DeCanniere (AD): Your story is such an important, moving, compelling one, and it's definitely a very intimate, very personal story as well. I was wondering, when and how did you decide to write about your experience?
Victoria Loustalot (VL): It's interesting. The roots of the book really go back to my high school senior thesis project, if you can believe that. I did a collection of essays for my thesis project that were really just remembrances, memories of my dad when he was alive. They were the memories I kept coming back to, the things that stood out for me in particular. I really had this instinct, a kind of need to get it down on paper. So I did that, and then I went off to college and kind of forgot about it. I was excited to get out of my hometown and for new adventures and all of that. It wasn't until several years later, after I graduated from college, when I was in my twenties, feeling aimless and at a loss — as I think a lot of twenty-somethings often do. I'm not sure what direction I was going in my life, and I was still sort of feeling haunted by my dad and by not having had the opportunity to know him when he was healthy and happy. I only knew him under the shadow and cloak of HIV, and later on full-blown AIDS, when he was sick and dying and on a great number of AIDS cocktails. He was depressed and miserable, and understandably all of those things — the drugs, the illness, the pain, the sorrow and disappointment — really colored his personality. Consequently, I didn't feel like I knew who my dad really was. So I revisited those essays that I had written in high school, and thought I need to keep writing about this. There's something more here. One of my essays from my high school thesis was about this trip that my dad and I were supposed to take around the world. I thought 'What if I sought out these places that had been so meaningful to him — or at least that he thought were going to be meaningful to him — and along the way I'd try to find some other people who were close to him, and try to piece together who he was in his twenties, before he was married and had a kid?' I think the goal at that point was maybe that in finding my dad and making peace with him, I could find some peace and resolution for myself, some direction for my own life.
AD: And it's great you had these things — his letters that he sent home from Stockholm, for example — so that while you were there you were able to get a sense of what his life must have been like when he was there.
VL: Exactly.
AD: It seems, from your description, that the relationship — between your parents and between the two of you — may have been a bit strained at times. So it's good to have that new context, that different light in which to see him.
VL: Absolutely. I think one thing in particular that I was very conscious of and tried to be sensitive to was that I felt this need, as a writer, to tell my story, but inevitably — in the telling of my story — I am going to have to incorporate aspects of other people's stories, like my parents' story, and it'll be told from my perspective. It'll be told from my point of view, obviously. But that's still a delicate line. Not only are you not sure, no matter whose story you touch on and end up having to share details of, but in particular with your parents — especially when one parent is dead and isn't here and can't speak for themselves. There's that notion I felt, that I grappled with. Yes these are my parents, and I want to know more about them and feel close to them, but they were also private individuals with private lives that were entirely separate and unrelated to being a parent. How much of a right do I have to know? How much of this, just by virtue of being their child, is my business? I really wanted to respect that boundary. 30 or 40 years from now, if I were to have a child, would I want my 21 year old child snooping around in my history, interviewing people and looking into things that I did when I was 19 or 20? You know, probably not, or at least that's certainly something that would make me a little nervous. So, I recognized that and wanted to be very careful with regards to my father and his legacy and memory, and also with regard to my mother. She's still alive and has relationships and this is also her reputation and who she is that's out in a more public sphere than she might have sought out on her own.
AD: I guess that sort of answers my other question of what the whole process or experience of writing about people who are so close to you — your family — is like. It seems there's this really fine line you need to walk when writing about something so intensely personal and intimate.
VL: I do think it's a fine line to walk, but I think that artists — and I would certainly characterize writers as being artists — you can't be afraid to tell the truth or share your story, because it is in sharing our stories and being willing to be vulnerable that we connect with other human beings. That's how we make other people feel less alone. Whatever sorrow someone is dealing with in private, knowing that there's someone else who has dealt with something similar — or not at all similar, but just difficult and intimate — and know that's out there is, I think, the first step in acceptance and tolerance and a better world. I mean that sort of sounds very high and mighty, and it can be difficult with families. Maybe not everyone in every family understands that, but you can't let that stand in the way of doing what you believe is right.
AD: When I read this book, I remember thinking that when you're in a relationship with someone — regardless of your age, gender or sexual orientation, and regardless of their age, gender or sexual orientation — I would hope that one is open and honest in that relationship. As an adult, from my standpoint, I know that I would always want to be open and honest with the person I'm with and, obviously, I think that everyone — myself included — hopes and assumes that the person they are with sees it the same way, and always seeks to be open and honest with them. It's a two-way street. But, at the same time, it's truly striking how different things are now. I guess you could say that a significant part of the reason the whole thing happened, and a significant part of the reason your father acted as he had, is back then — as you say in your book — there was a very different message being sent by society. He really could not be who he was because, to a certain extent, he was being told by society that who he was wasn't acceptable, was wrong.
VL: Exactly. And I think too that for many years in the gay rights movement, one of the challenges that activists and supporters had to rally against was this notion of 'Well, I don't know any gay people,' because so many gay people were 'in the closet.' They had to live in shame. They did live in secret, and my dad did for many years. So, it was easier for voters to be anti-gay and anti-gay marriage, because they could sort of naïvely convince themselves it wasn't something that touched their lives. It's only been as people have been willing to share their stories and step out and say 'No, I am gay' that more and more people have come to realize in the last 20 years that 'Oh, my son is gay,' 'my brother is gay,' 'my uncle is gay' — you know, whoever it is. This isn't an isolated issue. When you realize this person you love who you're close to, who you have known for decades, is telling you that they are gay, that changes your picture of what you think that means. I think that has been a huge part of changing societal attitudes, and it's a huge part of why we have come as far as we have. I mean, this book is sort of riding those coattails. It certainly isn't at the forefront of that, but it's part of that conversation, and that dialogue is so crucial. That's how we change the world. A friend of mine called me after she read the book. She spent a couple of years as a community organizer and she said — and I'm sort of paraphrasing here — the first thing that they taught her when she got her job as a community organizer — and it's sort of Community Organizing 101 — is that when you share your story, it encourages someone else to share their story, and once you've both shared your story and made that connection, that's how you start a movement. That's how you make change.
AD: And how you have a more open, understanding society. Simply having a more open, understanding society could have, in essence, changed the outcome significantly.
VL: Exactly.
AD: That way people don't feel like they have to hide who they really are for fear of losing the people that mean something to them, or whatever the case may be.
VL: And the very real repercussions of that. In fact, I believe strongly that secrets are poison. They're poisonous. It doesn't even matter what the secret is. It's poisonous because it has to be a secret, and there are consequences and ramifications for secrets. For my father, the consequences of that secret life and secrecy was ultimately his death, but also an extraordinary amount of pain for not only himself but for my mother and for me and for his parents, and just all of the repercussions of that decision. We don't exist in isolation, so when you make a decision like that, it is going to hurt others, even the people you think you're keeping the secret from because you're trying to protect them. They're going to feel that distance. They're going to feel that something is wrong. It's going to require lies. Once you start lying, once there's that lack of trust, that's going to erode the relationship and make it less than it could be.
AD: And, while I cannot say that I know what it was like or presume to know what it is like, I have known someone who is gay for quite a while — I've actually known them since we were both very little. They were going to these private schools and for years, because of a lack of understanding and acceptance at the schools they attended, they felt like they couldn't really tell anyone outside of their own family that they were gay. Even within their own family, they were extremely selective in terms of who they told. Just that alone, putting myself in their shoes — at least in as much as that's possible — from my perspective that would have to be a difficult situation to find yourself in. This feeling of needing to hide who you are or risk not being accepted, being shunned, ostracized. It seems that on the trip you really learn a lot about your father, and, it could be said, about yourself as well.
VL: Yeah. I did. You know, it's interesting, because I think a lot of people have said to me — or have made the assumption — that 'Oh, this must have been so healing for you. This must have brought you so much closure,' and there's some truth to that. I mean, there's some sense of — in a very public way — having sort of declared, to the memory and the spirit of my father, acceptance of him just as he was, and also trying to promote that notion for other people. If there's one person who happens to stumble across this book and reads it and feels a little better about what they're dealing with, then I have achieved my goal. I think that in order to write a decent memoir, it can't really be about finding healing or closure, because then it's just therapy. There's nothing wrong with that — it certainly serves it's purpose — but then it's diary entries, and a memoir is not a diary. I'd say it's very carefully crafted. It's a piece of work. I think that in order to be able to have enough distance from the story, to be able to craft it successfully and make it compelling — to make it of value and of interest to readers — you have to already have a sense of closure. I think that's an important distinction. I am writing about a learning process an figuring things out in my own life in my twenties, but I don't necessarily think that writing the book is what allowed me to do that. I think that it is just having that life experience and getting a little older, putting myself out there, taking risks and being willing to be vulnerable, as you sort of have to do. The book is the story of the journey, but it isn't the journey itself, if that makes sense. I think that if anything, having some of that emotional distance — just by virtue of age, perhaps — and additional life experience allowed me to be more open on the page. Sometimes when you're so deep in the middle of something, and it's so raw, you can't really make sense of it. You can't see. You're too close to it. Having some distance from it and being able to have a better view of it allowed me to share the story in a more open way, in which I could see the big picture and then hopefully translate that on the page.
AD: What really surprised me as well was your mom's reaction to the whole thing. I think it was a very kind — and, in fact, very selfless — reaction, in that she helped take care of him despite the fact that he kept this other life from her, and in spite of his actions. As you point out in your book, he could have infected both of you as well.
VL: Yeah. I actually think that as much as when I started out I was writing out of a desire to get to know my father better, I think my mom was a huge inspiration for the book, because she is such a rare bird. She was put into incredibly difficult circumstances, and she had such an extraordinary reaction and response to that, and she more than rose to the occasion. I think on some level, as I started writing, it was 'My God. This is an opportunity to pay tribute to a phenomenal woman.' I think that what it comes down to for my mom is that she loved my dad. For years they had a loving but difficult marriage, and it's just back to that notion of secrets and lies and a lack of trust. She knew that something was wrong, something was off, and when my dad finally came out to her and said 'I'm gay and I'm HIV positive,' — I mean, learning those things simultaneously puts them in perspective, especially in the late 80s, when AIDS was truly a death sentence. You focus on the health and the disease more than on the sexuality, I think, but I think that in terms of sexuality, it was finally an answer. It was 'Oh. Okay. I get it. I see what's been wrong all these years and it's not personal. I don't have a penis. There's nothing I can do about this.' So I think that in some ways she couldn't take it personally, and so in a way that helped, that made it easier. It was easier to be told that than 'I'm leaving you for another woman,' for instance. My mom was raised in a very strong Catholic family, and she took her wedding vows very seriously. My parents never divorced. They were married when my dad died, and my mother had been his primary caregiver. I think he was the love of her life. It wasn't the love — or the relationship — that she envisioned on her wedding day, but it was a love and it was a very important relationship for both of them nonetheless. That was one of the things that I really liked about this story and about writing this book. We're so inundated with a very specific and narrow definition of romantic love and of marriage, and of partnership and support and what that means. We have all these romantic comedies, and even with growing acceptance and support of gay marriage, even that — what gay marriage means — it's basically being turned into, you know, it's like straight marriage only with two people of the same sex. Maybe for a lot of gay couples it is. Maybe for a lot of straight couples, that's what it is. But there are so many gradations and so much gray area when two people love each other, and they're in some sort of relationship or partnership for a long period of time, regardless of their sexuality and whether they've actually married in the eyes of the state. What that means and looks like can really vary, so I really like the opportunity to be able to showcase something different, and the different ways families can be made and can look. That was something that was really hard for me as a little kid, because of course you want your family to look and act like everybody else's. As an adult, I think I've really benefitted from having grown up and observed a very special relationship between my parents. My mother deserves a lot of credit for that. He had no idea she would understand and be so accepting. I think it really meant a lot to him that he didn't lose her.
AD: At least society and pop culture do seem to be catching up. It certainly took long enough, but you are starting to see families that look all sorts of ways. It seems like there's less of this rigid idea of what a family is supposed to be and is supposed to look like. No longer is a family necessarily made up of a mom and dad and 2.5 children. Finally, society seems as though it may be catching up and coming to the realization that it is okay to have all sorts of arrangements or relationships, which is a fantastic thing.
VL: Absolutely. I think it's amazing and I love it and am thrilled by it. I'm thrilled to be alive and witness it and know that whenever I have children myself, they can grow up in a more supportive world than the one that my father grew up in. That being said, I don't want this opportunity to see that there are different ways of loving and living and being married to be lost in that we take gay marriage and say 'Yeah, we accept that. That's okay as long as it looks pretty much like straight marriage except with two people of the same sex.' Maybe love and marriage can't be pigeonholed. Maybe this is an opportunity for us to see what else is out there. What other ways of living are there? Hopefully gay marriage will push us into being more open and toward more freedom, rather than taking gay marriage and trying to make it fit the straight marriage mold, so to speak. I don't know. We'll see how it goes. Every step is something, so it's still valuable, it's still worthwhile, but I always cringe a little bit when I feel like we take these baby steps in the right direction, but we still need this very rigid, familiar, comfortable structure around it. I hope we can keep moving away from that. That's my personal opinion, anyway.
AD: This perhaps sounds a little cliché, but I've always operated under this sort of 'live and let live' kind of theory. You know what I mean?
VL: I do, and I think that's perfectly put. I think that what breaks my heart are the people who don't feel the way that you and I do. It comes from a place of fear. They're scared of that unknown and the unfamiliar, and it says so much more about them and what they're struggling with personally than what it does about the people they're sort of battling against. Unfortunately, that fear has very real and very serious consequences for people they've never met.
AD: Finally, since this is your first book, I was just wondering who you'd consider to be your influences, where your writing is concerned.
VL: You know, I read a lot. I can't really understand the notion of being a writer, of spending a good deal of time writing, without reading a tremendous amount. I also read so many different things, different genres and different types of work and writers. So, I wouldn't necessarily say there's one particular author or writer who I think has more heavily influenced my work than others. I think ideally it just becomes this whole hodgepodge of a lot of different influences and styles, and of people trying different things. When I think about memoir and personal non-fiction and opening yourself up on the page, in my opinion Philip Roth's best book is Patrimony, which is his memoir of his relationship with his father and taking care of his father at the end of his father's life. Obviously there are some parallels there with my own book and my own story. You know, memoir comes from memory, and that means that it's not a biography. It's not all encompassing. It's not a life story. It's just a book about one particular memory of time and I think that's one of the things that Philip Roth does really, really well in Patrimony. There's a lot that's left out of that book. You're not getting a comprehensive picture of who Philip Roth is or who his father is, or even what's necessarily going on in their lives at that moment. You're just getting part of that moment and part of that story, and I think that's okay. To me, in reading that book, it gave me permission to leave things out. I don't mean leave things out in terms of withholding. I just mean getting a better sense of what the story is about. I think sometimes what's so difficult with non-fiction, with memoir, is you have all of these memories, and there's a tendency to just put everything in and think if it happened then it needs to be in the book. That's not true. You're crafting scenarios and choosing how you tell that story, what memories best support that story. It's a really difficult thing. When you're writing fiction, if you don't need it for the purposes of the book, you're not going to make it up. With non-fiction, it already exists because it's real and it happened. So, there's that tendency to want to just kind of word vomit onto the page. I've read Patrimony a few times, and I think it was the second time I read it that I started to realize that there's so much he's leaving out, but there's an art to what he left out. That was really valuable. That was certainly a turning point for me as a writer in figuring out this book. There's also a writer named Eula Biss who has a collection of essays out and she has also just been a prolific essayist and writer and poet. What I like about her work is that it is sort of similar to Patrimony in that it is non-fiction and it is first-person, and yet it's not so personal, it's not so intimate. Obviously, my book is incredibly personal and intimate, but that was good practice for me in reading her book and seeing the value in the 'I' on the page versus 'I' me, the individual, and learning to make the distinction between the two, so you aren't just reading a diary and there's a specific piece of work that's separate from the writer as an individual.
Victoria Loustalot is the author of This Is How You Say Goodbye (St. Martin's Press, 2013). She lives in New York City. For additional information, visit her website. You can also follow her on Twitter @VLoustalot.
Photo Credit: Benjamin Lorr; Victoria Loustalot; Elizabeth Loustalot; John Wilson Photography


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The Arjun Mark II, an upgraded version of the Mark I pictured here, will roll out by 2015, says Antony
Answering a question in parliament today, Defence Minister AK Antony put the price of the Arjun Mk II at Rs 37 crore per tank. The Arjun Mk I had been produced by Heavy Vehicles Factory, Avadi for about Rs 16-18 crore per tank.
The official release about Antony's answer in parliament today to a question on the price of the Arjun is attached below
New Delhi: Bhadrapada 07, 1933
August 29, 2011
Limited technical trials with some major and minor improvements on Main Battle Tank (MBT) Arjun Mark-I, as part of MBT Arjun Mark-II, have been carried out by the Defence Research and Development Organisation (DRDO) in the deserts of Rajasthan.
Defence Acquisition Council (DAC) has cleared the proposal for placement of indent for 124 Nos. of MBT Arjun Mark-II on Heavy Vehicles Factory (HVF), Avadi, Chennai. Placement of indent by the Army on Ordnance Factory Board (OFB) is being further processed.
The likely estimated cost of each MBT Arjun Mark-II with ail major/minor improvements will be approximately Rs.37 crore.
The first batch of MBT Arjun Mark-II is likely to be productionised by 2015.
This information was given by Defence Minister Shri AK Antony in a written reply to Shri Naveen Jindal in Lok Sabha today.