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Jails to Jesus
By: Jason W. Elder
My name is Jason Elder and on October 29th 1980 I was born right here in Gaffney South Carolina. I know many people who blame their shortcomings on their parents but I can't do that. I have some of the best parents in the world. My dad was a Highway Patrolman for 14 years and then the Chief of Police in Blacksburg for several more. My mom worked at Hamrick's for a number of years and currently runs her own business.
My mom brought me to church a lot when I was younger. I went forward after service once and talked to the pastor about getting "baptized." We prayed a prayer and I was baptized not long afterward. I'm sure he did everything he could to point me in the right direction but looking back, I just didn't get it.
Yes, in the beginning I had an interest in church like never before, but it just didn't last. The whole experience reminds me of the parable Jesus told about the seed that fell on stony ground. It was so quick to spring up but when the Sun was risen it withered away just as quickly because it had no root.[1]
I've always been an introvert and shy by nature but that was okay with me. I didn't really care what other people thought about me anyhow. In fact, I didn't even start combing my hair until seventh grade. But as a teenager I became more and more concerned with what people thought of me.
Truth be known, that's probably the biggest appeal drugs and alcohol had for me: they took away my inhibitions.
The first time I ever smoked marijuana was in the 10th grade. And while I liked getting high, I didn't like the smell of it. If any of you ever been around someone smoking pot (and some of you look like you have) it has a very strong odor and knowing I had to come home to a house full of cops that always made me a little bit paranoid. Just by walking through the door I was subjecting myself to a sobriety test. I guess that's why started messing around with pills: Xanax, Lortab, methadone etc. I even started selling a few here and there. It started out being just for fun but pretty soon I was addicted not just to the pills but to the lifestyle of a drug dealer.
I kinda liked it when people would notice that my beeper was blowing up. I was hanging out with some of the most popular kids in school. I knew they really didn't care a thing about me, but hey, everybody likes to feel needed.
Around my senior year in high school a young man brought me a sample of something his dad had cooked up at home called meth.
I didn't know it at the time, but he'd just introduced me to something 10 times worse than all the pills I'd ever taken. By the end of that summer I was using every day: smoking, snorting, and even shooting it up. After I got in good with the cook I started selling it but unlike the pills I sold just for the heck of it, I was selling meth to support my own habit. I can't tell you how many hundreds of dollars worth of powder I went through but I gave Johnson & Johnson a run for their money. That's just what I used, God only knows how much I sold.
But all that "fun" took me to the same place most junkies find themselves…jail! I was facing Federal and local charges and my life was in a mess. Sometime during this process I picked up a Bible and read through it in less than 8 weeks. I couldn't believe it was actually interesting! When I was released, I was placed on house arrest. The Federal Government thought so much of me they gave me a cute little ankle bracelet to wear! For six months I was allowed to go to church only once on Sunday morning. I could go to all the Narcotics Anonymous meetings I wanted to, but Church only once a week.
The church my family was going to at the time was a cold, dead, liberal, Southern Baptist Church (as the picture represents). The pastor was a Calvinist and it showed in his preaching. I thought if this is all Church has to offer I'd be better off not going.
But then, one of my friends overdosed on painkillers. Michael Williams laid in a coma for about week and died just after Christmas. Still on the ankle monitor I went to the funeral home where they were receiving friends. Among the mourners I spotted a familiar older gentleman in the crowd, it was Pastor Lewis Batchelor from Open Door Baptist Church.
Several years prior, I had dated a girl that attended his church. As two lost young teenagers, one day, we were sitting on the second pew from the front. We were holding hands and passing little notes to each other. We didn't have a care in the world. But all that would soon end! Before I could get my thoughts together, in front of God and everybody, that old gray-haired man came out from behind the pulpit, jumped off the platform, straddled the pew in front of us, looked me dead in the eyes, and said, "Are you saved son?" Before I could get the lump out of my throat, he looked down and saw we were holding hands. He physically separated our hands that day and after scolding us both for being too close for his liking, he briefly lectured the young lady why she should never date anyone that's lost. I didn't have enough hide left to close my eyes! But even as a lost teenager I appreciated someone that had enough guts to tell me what was right!
Anyway, at the funeral, I talked to Pastor Batchelor briefly then spoke with Michael's dad and step-mom. I was doing a good job at keeping back the tears, but I couldn't do it much longer. I left off talking with his parents and headed for the door. But somebody stopped me before I left!
It was Preacher Batchelor! When I broke down weeping he hugged me and tried to comfort me. I don't remember what he said to me, I just remember he was there when I needed him. When Sunday rolled around, I started thinking about that little old church on the other side of town. I remembered the friendly people and the plain preaching. I literally begged my mom and dad to take me to Open Door Baptist Church. I don't remember whether mom or dad went with me. All I remember is how happy everyone was that I came.
For six months I went to Church every Sunday morning but one. I was saved, born again, on a Wednesday night in March 2001. Not long after that, my dad got saved! We were both baptized on Easter Sunday! I was so overwhelmed by the grace of God that brought me salvation that I took all my ambitions, my plans, and my life and with joy placed them at the Master's disposal.
Much has transpired since that day. The Lord has been so good that I cannot possibly list all the blessings He has sent my way. I only wish to encourage you not to give up hope on a loved one or friend who may be struggling with the same things I did. There's a God in heaven Who specializes in lost causes. If He can save me He can save anybody.
"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." (2Cor 5:17)
Jason W. Elder
Assistant Pastor
Gaffney SC
[1] "And some fell on stony ground, where it had not much earth; and immediately it sprang up, because it had no depth of earth: But when the sun was up, it was scorched; and because it had no root, it withered away." (Mark 4:5-6)


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What a scare!
Two men have been arrested by British police on suspicion of conspiracy to rob and murder near the rural home of singer Joss Stone.
Devon and Cornwall Police say the men aged 30 and 33-years old were arrested Tuesday near Stone's house in Cullompton, southwest England after residents reported a suspicious-looking vehicle.
U.S. & World
Detective Inspector Steve Parker said the men "had in their possession information relating to an individual in the Cullompton area and items which lead us to suspect that they may have intended to commit a criminal offense."
The force would not confirm a report in The Sun newspaper that the men had swords, rope and a body bag, as well as maps and aerial photos of Stone's secluded property.
Stone, reportedly worth around $15 million, is good friends with the newly married William and Catherine. She attended their April wedding.
The men were being questioned Wednesday and have not been charged.

subset: commoncrawl


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McIlroy seeks to regain superstar form at Texas Open
Recommended Video:
As Rory McIlroy addressed the media Wednesday afternoon at the Valero Texas Open, heavy rain peppered the canvas tent roof above him. Lightning flashed, and thunder grumbled.
Through it all, the compact Irishman chatted amicably, dismissing the storm as ambient noise as he tackled the task at hand.
It seemed fitting.
McIlroy, who lost his No. 1 world ranking to Tiger Woods just two weeks ago, is in San Antonio to continue to hone his mercurial game as he eyes winning a third major championship next week at the Masters. He does so even as distractions and headlines have followed him, on and off the course, this year.
"I think what we're dealing with and what's going on in my life now is new to everyone around me, and it's a learning experience, and it's a learning curve, and you learn every day," said McIlroy, 23. "If we weren't learning and we weren't making mistakes, then there would be something wrong.
"I'm very happy with everything that's going on around me."
This week, playing at a torturous, par-72 AT&T Oaks Course that has proven to be a nightmare for inconsistent players in recent years, McIlroy will attempt to regain the form that made him a superstar.
He'll be the centerpiece attraction Thursday when the $6.2 million Texas Open, part of the FedEx Cup points chase, begins play with arguably the deepest field on hand in at least two decades.
McIlroy, the highest-ranked player to compete in San Antonio since the introduction of the Official World Golf Rankings in 1986, joins luminaries such as Jim Furyk, Ian Poulter, Matt Kuchar, Retief Goosen and Padraig Harrington in a 156-man field vying for the $1.12 million title.
Also at stake for the 137 players in the field who have not already secured a berth in the Masters is a trip to Augusta National Golf Club with a win Sunday.
McIlroy, of course, will head east regardless of his finish in San Antonio this week. He's hoping, however, that he'll make the journey with a huge infusion of confidence.
"I don't care if I miss 10 cuts in a row if I win a major a year," he said. "I don't care. I mean, that's what it's all about is winning the big tournaments. Of course, it's not going to be great for your confidence going into those majors if you're missing 10 cuts in a row."
He comes in only nine months after stunning the golf world by winning the PGA Championship by a record eight shots, the exclamation point to a remarkable rise that saw him claim the No. 1 world ranking and win three more tournaments afterward.
He has won a U.S. Open, posting a record score along the way, and has claimed headlines with his unflagging, boyish charm, relationship with tennis megastar Caroline Wozniacki and recent multimillion-dollar equipment deal with Nike.
He tees it up at the 7,435-yard AT&T Oaks layout in a relative skid, however. He missed the cut at Abu Dhabi and lost in the first round of the Accenture World Match Play Championship before enduring a rare public scathing when he quit, his scorecard littered with bogeys or worse, after 27 holes of the Honda Classic.
McIlroy tied for 45th at last week's Houston Open and made a decision during that tournament to postpone a charity trip to Haiti in order to right his listing game with more work in San Antonio.
"If you think he's trying to regain his stroke, he won the last major we played," said fellow Irishman Padraig Harrington, defending McIlroy. "That says he's a man in current form. It's only the media that thinks that golfers can peak every week.
"The fact of the matter is, if you peak, it's impossible to peak all the time. All Rory has to worry about is peaking the right weeks, and his game is plenty good enough as he's shown. When he does peak, he can lap fields."
Twitter: @RichardCOliver
Twitter: @RichardCOliver


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Telling Jeb how to win? And in Public? Thursday.
Telling Jeb how to win? And in Public? Thursday.
Last edited by Being; 03-24-2019 at 08:40 PM. Reason: Appropriation
It's either a circus or clown show. Go, go USA!
I've demeaned the use of polls/surveys for a long time. It's even more disturbing that
Fox News has used those polls to decide who'd show up on the first televised Republican "debate".
WTF is going on?
Last edited by GGT; 08-05-2015 at 04:19 AM.
I don't think so. I'm not voting for another Clinton. Maybe another Bush...Let's see what Trump can teach him on Celebrity Presidential Candidates.
Trump isn't even going to the debate is he?
Keep on keepin' the beat alive!
He's on the list I saw
"Wer Visionen hat, sollte zum Arzt gehen." - Helmut Schmidt
God forbid the people decide which politicians they want to see in a debate. Clearly they should have asked GGT instead.
Hope is the denial of reality
Feel kinda bad, Trumps popularity is destroying the image of the GOP by showing the racist ignorant core of its base, and with any luck he'll continue to make the entire party look like a laughing stock long enough to throw the election, even with all the recent gerrymandering. But it also means nothing constructive is going to come out of this election that wasn't instigated by the Dems. The GOP created him, they'll have to deal with him, and with any luck having him run as a 3rd party ticket will finally push the GOP to cut away the dead weight thats put that party into a tailspin.
Whats amazing is that the other candidates are lowering themselves to his level, challenging him to arm wrestling matches and destroying cellphones as publicity stunts.
Last edited by Ominous Gamer; 08-05-2015 at 02:02 PM.
"In a field where an overlooked bug could cost millions, you want people who will speak their minds, even if theyre sometimes obnoxious about it."
Democrats of the USA, be worried, be very worried. Don't believe he can't win because you can't believe he could win.
Trump: Lock him up.
Iy would be funny as hell I wonder how the rest of the world would respond to Trump's import-tariffs.
Humanity's greatest advances are not in its discoveries, but in how those discoveries are applied to reduce inequity.
Bill Gates
What's really amazing is that he's probably the best Republican contender of them all.
Humanity's greatest advances are not in its discoveries, but in how those discoveries are applied to reduce inequity.
Bill Gates
He has no natural base. He has no campaign infrastructure. He doesn't have good advisors. No chance he wins the primary.
Hope is the denial of reality
Last night as I lay in bed, looking up at the stars, I thought, Where the hell is my ceiling?"
I agree there's no better alternative but lets not perpetuate the myth that polls are scientific or divine revelations of the truth. Or anything more than name recognition at this stage.
Could there be a freakier image than President Trump and Prime Minister Corbyn at Camp David. Scary thought.
Humanity's greatest advances are not in its discoveries, but in how those discoveries are applied to reduce inequity.
Bill Gates
I don't think he's the best by a long shot, he just has one of the most well-known names. Once the decision starts to become serious he'll be just a flash in the pan I hope.
As happened last time with loads of GOP people who briefly sparkled as the favourite before crashing and burning. Remember the likes of such soaring successes as Herman Cain and Rick Perry? Or throwbacks like Newt Gringrich?
Trump is more Democrat than Republican if you look at his history. He's an egotistical joke.
Hope is the denial of reality
I believe Trump is in this to force Bush to do things that will help Bush win. Trump will bring out the crazy in all the other candidates while hoping Bush will stay within the lines. Like I said this is "Celebrity Presidential Candidates". Not much different than Celebrity Apprentice.
Trump is in this for Trump.
Hope is the denial of reality
Making more money and becoming more famous.
Hope is the denial of reality
I don't even know why you're mentioning Bush. Trump is on far better terms with the Clintons. Not that I think he's doing this to benefit anyone but himself and his brand.
Hope is the denial of reality


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Michael Phelps
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Michael Phelps is an American swimmer who has won 22 Olympic medals (18 Gold, 2 Silver, & 2 Bronze). He is an Olympic legend who broke the record for most medals while participating at the London 2012 games. His individual haul of medals over the past 3 Olympics has surpassed the totals of most countries in all of the combined Olympic games of the past century so his achievement is truly astonishing. Although Michael is still fairly young and could easily add to his medal count in the Summer Games in Rio de Jinero, Brazil in 2016, he has announced his retirement from competition in 2012.
Phelps was born June 30, 1985 in Maryland to a mother who is a middle school principal and a father who almost made a professional football team. Phelps won six gold and two bronze medals at the Olympics held in Athens in 2004. He was a perfect 8 for 8 in Beijing bringing in eight gold medals in 2008. In London he gained 4 more Golds, a Silver, and a Bronze. He holds the record for the most gold medals won in a single Olympic year, breaking the record of American swimmer Mark Spitz who won seven gold medals in Munich in 1972. His total medal count of 22 is also a record. Soviet gymnast Larissa Lalynina who won 18 medals over three Olympics including nine gold ones is a distant second.
Phelps has won many awards including World Swimmer of the Year six times and American Swimmer of the Year Award eight times. He has taken part in many international competitions and has won 59 medals from these competitions. Of these, 50 were gold, seven silver, and two bronze. In addition, Michael Phelps received the Sportsman of the Year Award from
Sports Illustrated
Phelps heads the Michael Phelps Foundation which was established to promote healthy lifestyles and the sport of swimming. He is regularly tested for drugs since he is a member of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency and their "Project Believe" program. Testing is to ensure that his body is free from performance-enhancing drugs. During the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, Phelps was suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs because of his superior performance in the competitions, but he tested negative nine times.
At six feet, four inches, Phelps' body seems to be made for swimming. His long torso and arm span of six feet, seven inches help him paddle through the water quickly and efficiently. His arm span is longer than expected for a person of his height. Also, he has short legs that also enable him to swim quickly. His size 14 feet act as flippers. Phelps can extend his ankles more than a ballet dancer would be expected to do, and this helps him flip his feet through the water at great speed.
Phelps is especially great at the butterfly. At age 15, he broke the record in the 200 meter butterfly and was the youngest man ever to set the swim record. He later broke his own record to become world champion. In the 2008 Olympics, Michael Phelps won gold medals in the 100 m butterfly, 200 m butterfly, 4×100 m freestyle relay, 4×200 m freestyle relay, 4×100 m medley relay, plus a silver medal for the 200 m freestyle. Again at the 2010 Pan Pacific Championships, Phelps won five more gold medals for the 100 m butterfly, 200 m butterfly, 4×100 m freestyle relay, 4×200 m freestyle relay, and the 4×100 m medley relay.
Bob Bowman, Phelps' swimming coach, has trained Phelps since he was 11 years old. Bowman previously swam for Florida State University. American swimmer Ryan Lochte has emerged as at least an equal to Phelps in recent events so it appears it is up to him to carry on the tradition of American swimming dominance going into Rio 2016.
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Hi all,
I hope this is OK to post -
Anyone on the list available and interested in doing a small freelance scripting job?
Experienced scripters only please.
UK based would be ideal - but feel free to contact me wherever you are.
Please send me a private message to make contact.
Many thanks,
Mike A.
scripter for hire?
What type of scripts do you need?
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It has come to my attention that the entire Linux community is a hotbed of so called 'alternative sexuality', which includes anything from hedonistic orgies to homosexuality to paedophilia.
What better way of demonstrating this than by looking at the hidden messages contained within the names of some of Linux's most outspoken advocates:Linus Torvalds [microsoft.com] is an anagram of slit anus or VD 'L,' clearly referring to himself by the first initial.Richard M. Stallman [archive.org], spokespervert for the Gaysex's Not Unusual 'movement' is an anagram of mans cram thrill ad. Alan Cox [microsoft.com] is barely an anagram of anal cox which is just so filthy and unchristian it unnerves me.
I'm sure that Eric S. Raymond, composer of the satanic homosexual [goatse.fr] propaganda diatribe The Cathedral and the Bizarre, is probably an anagram of something queer, but we don't need to look that far as we know he's always shoving a gun up some poor little boy's rectum. Update: Eric S. Raymond is actually an anagram for secondary rim and cord in my arse. It just goes to show you that he is indeed queer.
Update the Second: It is also documented that Evil Sicko Gaymond is responsible for a nauseating piece of code called Fetchmail [microsoft.com], which is obviously sinister sodomite slang for 'Felch Male' -- a disgusting practise. For those not in the know, 'felching' is the act performed by two perverts wherein one sucks their own post-coital ejaculate out of the other's rectum. In fact, it appears that the dirty Linux faggots set out to undermine the good Republican institution of e-mail, turning it into 'e-male.'
As far as Richard 'Master' Stallman goes, that filthy fudge-packer was actually quoted [salon.com] on leftist commie propaganda site Salon.com as saying the following: 'I've been resistant to the pressure to conform in any circumstance,' he says. 'It's about being able to question conventional wisdom,' he asserts. 'I believe in love, but not monogamy,' he says plainly.
And this isn't a made up troll bullshit either! He actually stated this tripe, which makes it obvious that he is trying to politely say that he's a flaming homo [comp-u-geek.net] slut [rotten.com]!
Speaking about 'flaming,' who better to point out as a filthy chutney ferret than Slashdot's very own self-confessed pederast Jon Katz. Although an obvious deviant anagram cannot be found from his name, he has already confessed, nay boasted of the homosexual [goatse.fr] perversion of corrupting the innocence of young children [slashdot.org]. To quote from the article linked:
'I've got a rare kidney disease,' I told her. 'I have to go to the bathroom a lot. You can come with me if you want, but it takes a while. Is that okay with you? Do you want a note from my doctor?'
Is this why you were touching your penis [rotten.com] in the cinema, Jon? And letting the other boys touch it too?
We should also point out that Jon Katz refers to himself as 'Slashdot's resident Gasbag.' Is there any more doubt? For those fortunate few who aren't aware of the list of homosexual [goatse.fr] terminology found inside the Linux 'Sauce Code,' a 'Gasbag' is a pervert who gains sexual gratification from having a thin straw inserted into his urethra (or to use the common parlance, 'piss-pipe'), then his homosexual [goatse.fr] lover blows firmly down the straw to inflate his scrotum. This is, of course, when he's not busy violating the dignity and copyright of posters to Slashdot by gathering together their postings and publishing them en masse to further his twisted and manipulative journalistic agenda.
Sick, disgusting antichristian perverts, the lot of them.
In addition, many of the Linux distributions (a 'distribution' is the most common way to spread the faggots' wares) are run by faggot groups. The Slackware [redhat.com] distro is named after the 'Slack-wear' fags wear to allow easy access to the anus for sexual purposes. Furthermore, Slackware is a close anagram of claw arse, a reference to the homosexual [goatse.fr] practise of anal fisting. The Mandrake [slackware.com] product is run by a group of French faggot satanists, and is named after the faggot nickname for the vibrator. It was also chosen because it is an anagram for dark amen and ram naked, which is what they do.
Another 'distro,' (abbrieviated as such because it sounds a bit like 'Disco,' which is where homosexuals [goatse.fr] preyed on young boys in the 1970s), is Debian, [mandrake.com] an anagram of in a bed, which could be considered innocent enough (after all, a bed is both where we sleep and pray), until we realise what other names Debian uses to describe their foul wares. 'Woody' is obvious enough, being a term for the erect male penis [rotten.com], glistening with pre-cum. But far sicker is the phrase 'Frozen Potato' that they use. This filthy term, again found in the secret homosexual [goatse.fr] 'Sauce Code,' refers to the solo homosexual [goatse.fr] practice of defecating into a clear polythene bag, shaping the turd into a crude approximation of the male phallus, then leaving it in the freezer overnight until it becomes solid. The practitioner then proceeds to push the frozen 'potato' up his own rectum, squeezing it in and out until his tight young balls erupt in a screaming orgasm.
And Red Hat [debian.org] is secret homo [comp-u-geek.net] slang for the tip of a penis [rotten.com] that is soaked in blood from a freshly violated underage ringpiece.
The fags have even invented special tools to aid their faggotry! For example, the 'supermount' tool was devised to allow deeper penetration, which is good for fags because it gives more pressure on the prostate gland. 'Automount' is used, on the other hand, because Linux users are all fat and gay, and need to mount each other [comp-u-geek.net] automatically.
The depths of their depravity can be seen in their use of 'mount points.' These are, plainly speaking, the different points of penetration. The main one is obviously/anus, but there are others. Militant fags even say 'there is no/opt mount point' because for these dirty perverts faggotry is not optional but a way of life.
More evidence is in the fact that Linux users say how much they love man, even going so far as to say that all new Linux users (who are in fact just innocent heterosexuals indoctrinated by the gay propaganda) should try out man. In no other system do users boast of their frequent recourse to a man.
Other areas of the system also show Linux's inherent gayness. For example, people are often told of the 'FAQ,' but how many innocent heterosexual Windows [amiga.com] users know what this actually means. The answer is shocking: Faggot Anal Quest: the voyage of discovery for newly converted fags!
Even the title 'Slashdot [geekizoid.com]' originally referred to a homosexual [goatse.fr] practice. Slashdot [kuro5hin.org] of course refers to the popular gay practice of blood-letting. The Slashbots, of course are those super-zealous homosexuals [goatse.fr] who take this perversion to its extreme by ripping open their anuses, as seen on the site most popular with Slashdot users, the depraved work of Satan, http://www.eff.org/ [eff.org].
The editors of Slashdot [slashduh.org] also have homosexual [goatse.fr] names: 'Hemos' is obvious in itself, being one vowel away from 'Homos.' But even more sickening is 'Commander Taco' which sounds a bit like 'Commode in Taco,' filthy gay slang for a pair of spreadeagled buttocks that are caked with excrement [pboy.com]. (The best form of lubrication, they insist.) Sometimes, these 'Taco Commodes' have special 'Salsa Sauce' (blood from a ruptured rectum) and 'Cheese' (rancid flakes of penis [rotten.com] discharge) toppings. And to make it even worse, Slashdot [notslashdot.org] runs on Apache!
The Apache [microsoft.com] server, whose use among fags is as prevalent as AIDS, is named after homosexual [goatse.fr] activity -- as everyone knows, popular faggot band, the Village People, featured an Apache Indian, and it is for him that this gay program is named.
And that's not forgetting the use of patches in the Linux fag world -- patches are used to make the anus accessible for repeated anal sex even after its rupture by a session of fisting.
To summarise: Linux is gay. 'Slash -- Dot' is the graphical description of the space between a young boy's scrotum and anus. And BeOS [apple.com] is for hermaphrodites and disabled 'stumpers.'
What worries me is how much you know about what gay people do. I'm scared I actually read this whole thing. I think this post is a good example of the negative effects of Internet usage on people. This person obviously has no social life anymore and had to result to writing something as stupid as this. And actually take the time to do it too. Although... I think it was satire.. blah.. it's early. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
Well, the only reason I know all about this is because I had the misfortune to read the Linux 'Sauce code' once. Although publicised as the computer code needed to get Linux up and running on a computer (and haven't you always been worried about the phrase 'Monolithic Kernel'?), this foul document is actually a detailed and graphic description of every conceivable degrading perversion known to the human race, as well as a few of the major animal species. It has shocked and disturbed me, to the point of needing to shock and disturb the common man to warn them of the impending homo [comp-u-geek.net]-calypse which threatens to engulf our planet.
You must work for the government. Trying to post the most obscene stuff in hopes that slashdot won't be able to continue or something, due to legal woes. If i ever see your ugly face, i'm going to stick my fireplace poker up your ass, after it's nice and hot, to weld shut that nasty gaping hole of yours. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
Doesn't it give you a hard-on to imagine your thick strong poker ramming it's way up my most sacred of sphincters? You're beyond help, my friend, as the only thing you can imagine is the foul penetrative violation of another man. Are you sure you're not Eric Raymond? The government, being populated by limp-wristed liberals, could never stem the sickening tide of homosexual [goatse.fr] child molesting Linux advocacy. Hell, they've given NAMBLA free reign for years!
you really should post this logged in. i wish i could remember jebus's password, cuz i'd give it to you. -- mighty jebus [slashdot.org], Slashdot
Thank you for your kind words of support. However, this document shall only ever be posted anonymously. This is because the 'Open Sauce' movement is a sham, proposing homoerotic cults of hero worshipping in the name of freedom. I speak for the common man. For any man who prefers the warm, enveloping velvet folds of a woman's vagina [bodysnatchers.co.uk] to the tight puckered ringpiece of a child. These men, being common, decent folk, don't have a say in the political hypocrisy that is Slashdot culture. I am the unknown liberator [hitler.org].
ROLF LAMO i hate linux FAGGOTS -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
We shouldn't hate them, we should pity them for the misguided fools they are... Fanatical Linux zeal-outs need to be herded into camps for re-education and subsequent rehabilitation into normal heterosexual society. This re-education shall be achieved by forcing them to watch repeats of Baywatch until the very mention of Pamela Anderson [rotten.com] causes them to fill their pants with healthy heterosexual jism [zillabunny.com].
Actually, that's not at all how scrotal inflation works. I understand it involves injecting sterile saline solution into the scrotum. I've never tried this, but you can read how to do it safely in case you're interested. (Before you moderate this down, ask yourself honestly -- who are the real crazies -- people who do scrotal inflation, or people who pay $1000+ for a game console?) -- double_h [slashdot.org], Slashdot
Well, it just goes to show that even the holy Linux 'sauce code' is riddled with bugs that need fixing. (The irony of Jon Katz not even being able to inflate his scrotum correctly has not been lost on me.) The Linux pervert elite already acknowledge this, with their queer slogan: 'Given enough arms, all rectums are shallow.' And anyway, the PS2 [xbox.com] sucks major cock and isn't worth the money. Intellivision forever!
dude did u used to post on msnbc's nt bulletin board now that u are doing anti-gay posts u also need to start in with anti-black stuff too c u in church -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
For one thing, whilst Linux is a cavalcade of queer propaganda masquerading as the future of computing, NT [linux.com] is used by people who think nothing better of encasing their genitals in quick setting plaster then going to see a really dirty porno film, enjoying the restriction enforced onto them. Remember, a wasted arousal is a sin in the eyes of the Catholic church [atheism.org]. Clearly, the only god-fearing Christian operating system in existence is CP/M -- The Christian Program Monitor. All computer users should immediately ask their local pastor to install this fine OS onto their systems. It is the only route to salvation.
Secondly, this message is for every man. Computers know no colour. Not only that, but one of the finest websites in the world is maintained by a Black Man [stileproject.com] . Now fuck off you racist donkey felcher.
And don't forget that slashdot was written in Perl, which is just too close to 'Pearl Necklace' for comfort.... oh wait; that's something all you heterosexuals do.... I can't help but wonder how much faster the trolls could do First-Posts on this site if it were redone in PHP... I could hand-type dynamic HTML pages faster than Perl can do them. -- phee [slashdot.org], Slashdot
Although there is nothing unholy about the fine heterosexual act of ejaculating between a woman's breasts, squirting one's load up towards her neck and chin area, it should be noted that Perl [python.org] (standing for Pansies Entering Rectums Locally) is also close to 'Pearl Monocle,' 'Pearl Nosering,' and the ubiquitous 'Pearl Enema.'
One scary thing about Perl [sun.com] is that it contains hidden homosexual [goatse.fr] messages. Take the following code: LWP::Simple -- It looks innocuous enough, doesn't it? But look at the line closely: There are two colons next to each other! As Larry 'Balls to the' Wall would openly admit in the Perl Documentation, Perl was designed from the ground up to indoctrinate it's programmers into performing unnatural sexual acts -- having two colons so closely together is clearly a reference to the perverse sickening act of 'colon kissing,' whereby two homosexual [goatse.fr] queers spread their buttocks wide, pressing their filthy torn sphincters together. They then share small round objects like marbles or golfballs by passing them from one rectum to another using muscle contraction alone. This is also referred to in programming 'circles' as 'Parameter Passing.'
And PHP [perl.org] stands for Perverted Homosexual Penetration. Didn't you know?
Thank you for your valuable input on this. I am sure you will be never forgotten. BTW: Did I mention that this could be useful in terraforming Mars? Mars rulaa. -- Eimernase [slashdot.org], Slashdot
Well, I don't know about terraforming Mars, but I do know that homosexual [goatse.fr] Linux Advocates have been probing Uranus for years.
That's inspiring. Keep up the good work, AC. May God in his wisdom grant you the strength to bring the plain honest truth to this community, and make it pure again. Yours, Cerberus. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
sniff That brings a tear to my eye. Thank you once more for your kind support. I have taken faith in the knowledge that I am doing the Good Lord [atheism.org]'s work, but it is encouraging to know that I am helping out the common man here.
However, I should be cautious about revealing your name 'Cerberus' on such a filthy den of depravity as Slashdot. It is a well known fact that the 'Kerberos' documentation from Microsoft is a detailed manual describing, in intimate, exacting detail, how to sexually penetrate a variety of unwilling canine animals; be they domesticated, wild, or mythical. Slashdot posters have taken great pleasure in illegally spreading this documentation far and wide, treating it as an 'extension' to the Linux 'Sauce Code,' for the sake of 'interoperability.' (The slang term they use for nonconsensual intercourse -- their favourite kind.)
In fact, sick twisted Linux deviants are known to have LAN parties, (Love of Anal Naughtiness, needless to say.), wherein they entice a stray dog, known as the 'Samba Mount,' into their homes. Up to four of these filth-sodden blasphemers against nature take turns to plunge their erect, throbbing, uncircumcised members, conkers-deep, into the rectum, mouth, and other fleshy orifices of the poor animal. Eventually, the 'Samba Mount' collapses due to 'overload,' and needs to be 'rebooted.' (i.e., kicked out into the street, and left to fend for itself.) Many Linux users boast about their 'uptime' in such situations.
Inspiring stuff! If only all trolls were this quality! -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
If only indeed. You can help our brave cause by moderating this message up as often as possible. I recommend '+1, Underrated,' as that will protect your precious Karma in Metamoderation [slashdot.org]. Only then can we break through the glass ceiling of Homosexual Slashdot Culture. Is it any wonder that the new version of Slashcode has been christened 'Bender'???
If we can get just one of these postings up to at least '+1,' then it will be archived forever! Others will learn of our struggle, and join with us in our battle for freedom!
It's pathetic you've spent so much time writing this. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
I am compelled to document the foulness and carnal depravity [catholic.net] that is Linux, in order that we may prepare ourselves for the great holy war that is to follow. It is my solemn duty to peel back the foreskin of ignorance and apply the wire brush of enlightenment.
As with any great open-source project, you need someone asking this question, so I'll do it. When the hell is version 2.0 going to be ready?!?! -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
I could make an arrogant, childish comment along the lines of 'Every time someone asks for 2.0, I won't release it for another 24 hours,' but the truth of the matter is that I'm quite nervous of releasing a 'number two,' as I can guarantee some filthy shit-slurping Linux pervert would want to suck it straight out of my anus before I've even had chance to wipe.
I desperately want to suck your monolithic kernel, you sexy hunk, you. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
I sincerely hope you're Natalie Portman [archive.org].
Dude, nothing on slashdot larger than 3 paragraphs is worth reading. Try to distill the message, whatever it was, and maybe I'll read it. As it is, I have to much open source software to write to waste even 10 seconds of precious time. 10 seconds is all its gonna take M$ to whoop Linux's ass. Vigilence is the price of Free (as in libre -- from the fine, frou frou French language) Software. Hack on fellow geeks, and remember: Friday is Bouillabaisse day except for heathens who do not believe that Jesus died for their sins. Those godless, oil drench, bearded sexist clowns can pull grits from their pantaloons (another fine, fine French word) and eat that. Anyway, try to keep your message focused and concise. For concision is the soul of derision. Way. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
What the fuck?
I've read your gay conspiracy post version 1.3.0 and I must say I'm impressed. In particular, I appreciate how you have managed to squeeze in a healthy dose of the latent homosexuality you gay-bashing homos [comp-u-geek.net] tend to be full of. Thank you again. -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
Well bugger me!
ooooh honey. how insecure are you!!! wann a little massage from deare bruci. love you -- Anonymous Coward, Slashdot
Fuck right off!
IMPORTANT: This message needs to be heard (Not HURD [linux.org], which is an acronym for 'Huge Unclean Rectal Dilator') across the whole community, so it has been released into the Public Domain [icopyright.com]. You know, that licence that we all had before those homoerotic crypto-fascists came out with the GPL [apple.com] (Gay Penetration License) that is no more than an excuse to see who's got the biggest feces-encrusted [rotten.com] cock. I would have put this up on Freshmeat [adultmember.com], but that name is known to be a euphemism for the tight rump of a young boy.
Come to think of it, the whole concept of 'Source Control' unnerves me, because it sounds a bit like 'Sauce Control,' which is a description of the homosexual [goatse.fr] practice of holding the base of the cock shaft tightly upon the point of ejaculation, thus causing a build up of semenal fluid that is only released upon entry into an incision made into the base of the receiver's scrotum. And 'Open Sauce' is the act of ejaculating into another mans face or perhaps a biscuit to be shared later. Obviously, 'Closed Sauce' is the only Christian thing to do, as evidenced by the fact that it is what Cathedrals are all about.
Contributors: (although not to the eternal game of 'soggy biscuit' that open 'sauce' development has become) Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, phee, Anonymous Coward, mighty jebus, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, double_h, Anonymous Coward, Eimernase, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward, Anonymous Coward. Further contributions are welcome.
Current changes: This version sent to FreeWIPO [slashdot.org] by 'Bring BackATV' as plain text. Reformatted everything, added all links back in (that we could match from the previous version), many new ones (Slashbot bait links). Even more spelling fixed. Who wrote this thing, CmdrTaco himself?
Previous changes: Yet more changes added. Spelling fixed. Feedback added. Explanation of 'distro' system. 'Mount Point' syntax described. More filth regarding man and Slashdot. Yet more fucking spelling fixed. 'Fetchmail' uncovered further. More Slashbot baiting. Apache exposed. Distribution licence at foot of document.
ANUX -- A full Linux distribution... Up your ass!


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A NOT-SO-SECRET SECRET: What are some of the worst-kept but best-to-know secrets of Southern California? At least 90% likely have to do with ways around traffic, we'll wager (including taking Fountain through Hollywood, which is just about the hoariest not-secret secret in the entire SoCal grab bag). But a bigger secret, and one that is not traffic-related, for once, has to do with our state's beautiful desert region and how -- surprise surprise -- many a local waits for the mercury to do that thermometer-reddening thing it does before taking that desert vacation. Sure, it is tempting to head for a pool and some suntan oil on a February day, but hotel prices tend to dip -- if not plummet in places -- come June in the Desert Resorts. At the very least you can find a little something discounty practically everywhere, and while it might not always be of the "get a room for free if you ask!" ilk, you'll score some goodness.
LIKE... Well, several deals are going into effect in Palm Springs and Rancho Mirage and Palm Desert and its environs. The Ace Hotel is throwing in a $25 spa credit and "a bucket of beer" starting on May 31 (yep, that's how it is described: "a bucket of beer." Ace, you do charm.) The Comfort Inn Palm Springs is going the 15% a room rate route (we do love seeing percentage signs come summer). And the Parker Palm Springs has a mondo (hi, $200) dining credit with a weeknight room (this one has a few asterisks, like when restaurants are closed, so read all first). But there are literally pages of stayover deals to comb through, so get combing. And get sharing this particular secret, too. We know, you assume everyone knows that the desert has the deals in summer, but it is good to share such knowledge, we think. Will we even call it good karma? Yes, we think we will.


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In one of the most revealing moments of the recently ended season of "Mad Men," past-fleeing adman Don Draper laments that he never finished high school or went to college.
He confides this to his diary, part of his post-tearful-breakdown attempt at introspection. The commercial catchphrase master also jots down this tidbit: "I've never written more than 250 words in my life."
The scene came to mind this week with a report in NBC Bay Area that UC Berkeley is offering an English class built around the show – a course that, little doubt, requires far longer reflections.
Some might scoff at a college course about a TV show. But our reaction is why limit study of "Mad Men" to the English department?
Imagine the possibilities of a "Mad Men" curriculum: There's Sociology (The Stages of Swinging 60s Feminism from Betty Draper to Joan Holloway to Peggy Olson); Psychology (Don Draper/Dick Whitman – a Study in Split Personality); and Business (Advertising from BBDO to WWDDD – What Would Don Draper do?)
Just think about potential looks at the show through the lenses of history, fashion – and the art of mixology. Speaking of history, we're chuckling about the class being hatched at Berkeley, the 1960s center of the counter-culture rebellion against, among other things, the shallow, gray-flannel world of hypocritical materialists like Draper.
All kidding aside, the class seems appropriate for a show that – much like "The Sopranos," which has been analyzed in books and college courses – gets people thinking, or at least talking.
The New York Times, citing Zeta Interactive, noted this week that "Mad Men" generated more online discussion this month than in any other in its history, and that the show, on average, sparks more Internet chatter than programs with millions more viewers.
"Mad Men" has given us much to discuss until next summer, when it is expected to return for a fifth season on AMC. If Draper has given up on introspection – he ripped up the diary in the season's penultimate episode – we'll have to do it for him.
In the finale, he shockingly proposed to his young secretary/wannabe trophy wife on a self-deluded whim while rejecting the smart shrink who might have led him on the path to self-realization and elusive happiness.
Draper appears to be moving backwards – and he's certainly not headed back to school anytime soon. But fans are happy to be students of the show – with or without classes.
Hester is founding director of the award-winning, multi-media NYCity News Service at the City University of New York Graduate School of Journalism. He is the former City Editor of the New York Daily News, where he started as a reporter in 1992. Follow him on Twitter.


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Jawego Mac Clean Plus License Terms
These license terms are an agreement between Jawego Partners LLC ("Jawego") and you. Please read them. These terms apply to the Mac Clean Plus software ("MCP" or "Licensed Software"), including the media on which you received it, if any. These terms also apply to any updates, supplements, and support services for MCP, unless other terms accompany those items. If so, those terms apply.
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For the purpose of this Provision, "Jawego" means Jawego and its affiliate companies, including but not limited to parent and subsidiary companies, and each of their respective officers, directors, employees, and agents. The term "Dispute" means any dispute, claim, or controversy between you and Jawego regarding any and all aspects of your relationship with Jawego, whether based in contract, statute, regulation, ordinance, tort (including, but not limited to, fraud, misrepresentation, fraudulent inducement, or negligence), or any other legal or equitable theory, and includes the validity, enforceability or scope of this Provision (with the exception of the enforceability of the Class Action Waiver clause below). "Dispute" is to be given the broadest possible meaning that will be enforced.
Pre-Arbitration Claim Resolution For all Disputes, whether pursued in court or through arbitration, you must first give Jawego an opportunity to resolve the Dispute. You must commence this process by mailing a written notification to Jawego Partners LLC, Attn: Resolutions, 16780 Bryant Road #9, Lake Oswego, Oregon, 97035, USA. That written notification must include the following: (1) your name, (2) your address, (3) a written description of your Dispute, and (4) a description of the specific relief you seek. If Jawego does not resolve the Dispute within 45 days after receiving your written notification, you may pursue your Dispute in arbitration. You may only pursue your Dispute in a court as described under the circumstances below.
Exclusions from Arbitration, Right to Opt Out. Notwithstanding the above, you or Jawego may choose to pursue a Dispute in court and not by arbitration if (a) the Dispute qualifies, where it may be initiated in small claims court; or (b) YOU OPT-OUT OF THESE ARBITRATION PROCEDURES WITHIN 30 DAYS FROM THE DATE THAT YOU FIRST CONSENT TO THIS AGREEMENT (the "Opt-Out Deadline"). You may opt out of this Provision by mailing written notification to Jawego Partners LLC, Opt-Out Dept., 16780 Bryant Road #9, Lake Oswego, Oregon, 97035, USA. Your written notification must include the following: (1) your name, (2) your address, and (3) a clear statement that you do not wish to resolve disputes through arbitration with Jawego. Opting out of this Provision will have no adverse effect on your relationship with Jawego.Any opt-out request received after the Opt-Out Deadline will not be valid and you must then pursue your Dispute in arbitration or small claims court.
Arbitration Procedures If this Provision applies and the Dispute is not resolved as provided above ("Pre-Arbitration Claim Resolution"), arbitration proceedings may be initiated by either you or Jawego. The arbitration will be conducted in accordance with the American Arbitration Association's ("AAA") Commercial Arbitration Rules ("Commercial Rules") and, when deemed appropriate by the arbitration forum or arbitrator, the AAA's Supplementary Procedures for Consumer-Related Disputes ("Consumer Procedures"), or the appropriate rules of any alternative arbitration forum selected by you and Jawego. The arbitration will be conducted before a single arbitrator and shall be conducted as an individual arbitration, and in no event shall be commenced as a class arbitration. The arbitrator will decide all issues, including the scope of this Provision.
The AAA rules are available from the AAA, which can be contacted by mail at 1633 Broadway, Floor 10, New York, New York 10019, by telephone at (800) 778-7879, or through its website at www.adr.org. This Provision governs in the event it conflicts with the applicable arbitration rules. Under no circumstances will class action procedures or rules apply to the arbitration.
This EULA and the Licensed Software concerns interstate commerce, therefore the Federal Arbitration Act ("FAA") governs the arbitrability of all Disputes. The arbitrator will, however, apply applicable substantive law consistent with the FAA and the applicable statute of limitations or condition precedent to suit.
Confidentiality All aspects of the arbitration proceeding, and any ruling, decision or award by the arbitrator, will be strictly confidential for the benefit of you and Jawego, and both you and Jawego shall have the right to prevent any actual or threatened breach of this confidentiality provision by temporary, preliminary or permanent injunctive or declaratory relief in an appropriate court of law.
Arbitration Award The arbitrator may award on an individual basis any relief that would be available pursuant to applicable law, and will not have the power to award relief to, against or for the benefit of any person who is not a party to the proceeding. The arbitrator will make any award in writing but need not provide a statement of reasons unless requested by a party. Such award will be final and binding on the parties, except for any right of appeal provided by the FAA, and may be entered in any court having jurisdiction over the parties for purposes of enforcement. In making any award, the arbitrator will be restricted by the Limitation of Liability provisions in these License Terms (EULA). The arbitrator shall not have the power to award any punitive [or consequential] damages.
Location of Arbitration You or Jawego may initiate arbitration in either Santa Clara, California or the federal judicial district that includes the address you provide in your written notification of Pre-Arbitration Claim Resolution. In the event that you select the federal judicial district that includes the address you provide in your written notification of Pre-Arbitration Claim Resolution, Jawego may transfer the arbitration to Santa Clara, California in the event that it agrees to pay any additional fees or costs you incur as a result of the transfer, as determined by the arbitrator.
Payment of Arbitration Fees and Costs Jawego will pay all arbitration filing fees and arbitrator's costs and expenses upon your written request given prior to the commencement of the arbitration. You are responsible for all additional fees and costs that you incur in the arbitration, including, but not limited to, attorneys or expert witnesses. Fees and costs may be awarded as provided pursuant to applicable law. In addition to any rights to recover fees and costs under applicable law, if you provide notice and negotiate in good faith with Jawego as provided in the section above titled "Pre-Arbitration Claim Resolution" and the arbitrator concludes that you are the prevailing party in the arbitration, you will be entitled to recover reasonable attorney's fees and costs as determined by the arbitrator.
Waiver of Class ActionExcept as otherwise provided in this Provision, the arbitrator may not consolidate more than one person's claims, and may not otherwise preside over any form of a class or representative proceeding or claims (such as a class action, consolidated action or private attorney general action) unless both you and Jawego specifically agree to do so following initiation of the arbitration. If you choose to pursue your Dispute in court by opting out of this Provision, as specified above in section "Exclusions from Arbitration, Right to Opt Out", this Class Action Waiver will not apply to you.Neither you, nor any other user of the Licensed Software can be a class representative, class member, or otherwise participate in a class, consolidated, or representative proceeding without having complied with the opt-out requirements above.
Jury Waiver YOU AND JAWEGO HERETO IRREVOCABLY WAIVE ANY AND ALL RIGHT TO TRIAL BY JURY IN ANY LEGAL PROCEEDING ARISING OUT OF OR RELATING TO THIS AGREEMENT OR THE TRANSACTIONS CONTEMPLATED HEREBY.
Severability If any clause within this Provision (other than the Class Action Waiver clause above) is found to be illegal or unenforceable, that clause will be severed from this Provision, and the remainder of this Provision will be given full force and effect.
Review by Arbitrator Any dispute regarding this Provision, including the enforceability of this Provision or the arbitrability of any Dispute as provided in this Provision, shall be for the arbitrator to determine.
Continuation. This Provision "DISPUTE RESOLUTION" shall survive the termination of your use of the Licensed Software and any related Jawego websites or services.
15. Entire Agreement; Severability
This agreement and any amendments to it, and the terms for supplements, updates, and support services are the entire agreement for MCP and the support services. This agreement will be construed and enforced in accordance with the laws of the State of California and of the United States of America applicable to contracts entered into and performed in California to the maximum extent permitted by law. If for any reason any provision of this agreement is held to be invalid or unenforceable to any extent, then (a) such provision will be interpreted, construed or reformed to the extent reasonably required to render the same valid, enforceable and consistent with the original intent underlying such provision; (b) such provision will remain in effect to the extent that it is not invalid or unenforceable; and (c) such invalidity or unenforceability will not affect any other provision of this agreement.


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Anyone can tell you if a trailer "looks good" or not. But Drew Magary, who spent over a decade working in advertising, is here to tell you whether or not a trailer WORKS. This week's trailer? The second preview for "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol."
One of the strange things about the "Mission: Impossible" franchise is that we're on the fourth installment of a series that has yet, in my mind, to produce a memorable movie. I mean honestly, apart from Cruise dangling from the wires in the first "Mission: Impossible," do you remember a thing about any of these movies? Do you remember a anything about Ethan Hunt, other than that his hair changes? The Bond series has produced any number of truly great films ("Casino Royale," "Goldfinger," etc.), but the MI series, despite all the loot it's raked in, is an empty vessel. They don't inspire much in the way of fanboy passion. Go to ComicCon and look around for dudes dressed as Luther Stickell if you don't believe me.
However, this new installment was directed by Pixar stud Brad Bird and includes a formidable co-star in Jeremy Renner. Will that be enough to make MI:4 a must-see film in the minds of Americans? Let's watch the trailer and answer a few questions.
Does the trailer let us know what the movie's about? Yes. Ethan Hunt walks out of the Kremlin just before it blows up (Stupid Kremlin. WHY WEREN'T YOU BOMB-PROOFED?!). Then everyone is like, "Why did you blow up the Kremlin, bro?" And he's like, "Wha wha wha? I ain't no Kremlin H8R!" And then Hunt is falsely accused and has to go on the run to both clear his name and find the real scumbag behind the mess. And then something called GHOST PROTOCOL is set into motion, which is almost certainly called GHOST PROTOCOL because it sounds way badass. "Ethan! You're in trouble! We'll have to initiate OPERATION BLACK RAZORCLAM."
Are there wide shots of various foreign locales? Oh, yes. It's never a spy movie without a bit of conspicuous geography.
Are there certain signature MI bits in here? Yes. You have people dangling from wires, the famous MI theme music, and you have Cruise in a CGI disguise, which remains one of the more annoying hallmarks of this series. OMG! THAT JAMAICAN MAN JUST PULLED OFF HIS FACE AND IS ACTUALLY TOM CRUISE! Mistaken identity is an unwelcome sitcom element in any thriller.
Is there a pedigreed actor here who says lots of serious things? Yep. That's you, Tom Wilkinson!
Do people do patently absurd things, like shooting guns accurately while falling from a rooftop? Of course. Sure, no one could ever hit a fixed target while falling to the ground at 80 mph, but the producers of this film assume you'll just happily accept the wholesale violations of physics.
Does the trailer feature Tom Cruise doing XTREEEEM Tom Cruise things? Totally, dude! Look at him run down the side of the Burj Khalifa tower in Dubai! GUITAR SOLO! Did you know Tom Cruise does all his own stunts? Don't worry, because 56 different people who worked on the film will be mandated by PR to let you know that. Most Tom Cruise movies are in fact elaborate infomercials designed to let you know just how kewl and far out Tom Cruise is. He skydives for pleasure, people!
How can you drive a car if your windshield has a touchscreen map all over it? No idea.
Are there guns? Oh yes. People loading guns. People cocking guns. Cruise and Renner pointing guns at one another. Giant nukes being fired. Lot of gunnage. Plus a fancy car and a really hot spy lady played by Paula Patton. All the empty elements needed are there.
Do we get the signature shot of Tom Cruise running away from an explosion, then being lifted off the ground by that explosion but still surviving his injuries? Yep. He does all his own explosions, you know.
Does this trailer work? Not really. There are plenty of thrilling visuals, but you're left feeling like you've seen all this before, with only Renner (whose character was probably summarized by the screenwriter as "wears a nice sweater") and Simon Pegg giving the explosions any real personality. No one cared about Cruise's spy antics in "Knight & Day," and nothing here suggests a new level of character depth or innovative storytelling.
Trailer Park: MI4!
Anyone can tell you if a trailer "looks good" or not. But Drew Magary, who spent over a decade working in advertising, is here to tell you whether or not a trailer WORKS. This week's trailer? The second preview for "Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol."