When I first became a single mom nine years ago, I had no intention of ever dating again. The last few years of my marriage had been almost unbearable. So much pain, so much neglect, so little peace. I didn’t want to risk that happening ever again. I had been in survival mode for a long time and I felt unsure of how to get back into the life I had been missing. I just wanted to stay in my little cocoon, focused on my daughter.
I knew I needed help. Needed healing. Needed someone who had been through this before and could help light the path ahead of me. So I went through DivorceCare. Twice. Seriously, once just wasn’t enough. There is so much brokenness when a marriage ends, no matter how it ends. I watched the videos, did the homework, and went to every meeting. I knew that no human relationship could provide the healing I needed. So I turned to God to be my everything.
During those dark and lonely days, I learned to lean into Him and listen to His voice. I learned how to walk through each day with Christ as my companion. He taught me how to give up my pain and I felt Him healing me, day by day. As I grew closer to Christ, I felt Him sweetening what had been such a dark time. I began to see with new eyes what He was doing in my life. That He would use this struggle for my good and His glory. That He wouldn’t waste a second of it. The struggle pushed me so close to Him that I even found myself a little bit grateful for it.
DivorceCare suggests staying single for one year for every four years of marriage. For me, that would mean 3 1/2 years of singleness. At first, I was almost happy about the long wait. I felt strengthened by the commitment I was making, certain it was the right step for me. It also gave me an excuse to not have to open myself up to possible hurt again—a wise and protective move all in one.
I have witnessed women jumping into another relationship soon after one ends and I have yet to see a good outcome. Their stomachs are still flipping from the last roller coaster and they are suddenly jumping in line for the next. I get it. Loneliness can be intense enough that we just want companionship. Any companion. Maybe we don’t see the truth about ourselves anymore, lack hope, and don’t feel worthy of a good man. Maybe you started to believe what people said about you. Maybe you don’t see your value in Christ anymore, but are looking through the darkly tinted glasses of someone who couldn’t see your worth. Any one of these struggles can make us think we have to settle for anyone who will have us. Especially if we believe that a godly man wouldn’t want us after all we have been through. For our good, and for the good of our children, we cannot afford to stay in that place. We have to fight for our own hearts and our children’s hearts.
Soak yourself in God’s truth. Seek out what He says about you. For me, Jeremiah 29:13-14 became a treasured Bible passage. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.” Seek Him with all your heart. His promises are true and trustworthy. When He says He will be found by you and will lead you out of captivity, you can lean into that promise with your whole self. Your captivity may not be a physical one. Maybe your captivity looks something like mine. Being captive to discouraging thoughts. Believing the lies Satan whispers about you. Believing what others have said about you.
But those aren’t the truths that define us. The truths that define us are infinitely better. Read what God says about you. What God calls you. Beloved. Treasure. Precious. Sought after. Redeemed. Those names are true. Those are what the God of the universe calls you. Who has the right to argue with Him?
Once those truths became rooted in my heart and God worked on healing me from my past, I found myself actually yearning for love again. For someone to walk this road with me, to lead me and my daughters well. During the course of these years, I adopted a daughter from Uganda and am now guiding two growing hearts on my own. I want this for my children as much as for myself. I want them to see what a godly marriage looks like up close and how a good man should treat them. That perspective has changed what I am looking for in a potential husband.
One single mom I know was told by her friends that she couldn’t be picky anymore, because she had two kids. Nothing could be farther from the truth. She needs to be pickier than ever! She is making choices now that will affect both her and her children’s hearts for years to come.
Now is the time to set the bar high.
Crazy high. Olympic athlete on the high jump high.
I don’t know about you, but I know me. I know that I am ready for the love of a good man, and I know that my loneliness could easily fool me about a man’s goodness (at least for a little while). So I am taking steps to make sure that doesn’t happen. I encourage all the single moms I meet to make a list of what they are looking for in a future husband. Make it before you get asked on a single date. Before you are interested. Before next time. And don’t change it for ANY MAN. If he doesn’t meet the list, he doesn’t get to know the wonder that is you. The right man, the one God has planned for you, will be absolutely worth waiting for. Beyond all you can ask or imagine.
Honestly? I am so ready to retire as the Chief Spider Killer. And Mouse Trap Emptier. I MAY just throw away reusable mouse traps because I can’t stand to empty them. And I certainly can’t use the cheap wooden ones with the snap that make me see the destruction I’ve caused. I have more than paid my dues in these areas and I’m ready to hand over the titles.
I’ve spent a lot of time praying for the man that God may send someday. Praying that God is preparing Him to join our crazy crew. Praying that God will send that man to love us and lead us well. I’m praying for us, that God will prepare our hearts for him and will smooth the transition for all of us. I also know that if it isn’t God’s will for me to remarry, He will continue to walk with us every day and we will all be just fine. I am trusting Him to fill in the gaps of my solo parenting.
As you work on your list, I hope you have fun. I hope you dream and start thinking about the future. I hope you remember to set your bar high. You—and your children—are worth it.
Stephanie Bartelt has been a single mom for nine years and co-leads the single mom ministry at Spring Creek Church in Waukesha, Wis. Additionally, she blogs at loveunrationed.com and is mom to two girls.