The more time I spend as a therapist the more I realize that our lives all look pretty similar. Where we all struggle is in learning to cope with the emotions behind what is happening in our lives. My goal as a therapist is to help clients use their emotions to create secure connection. When we feel loved, safe, and secure in our relationships, we are more resilient and are better able to cope with the hard times.
Every relationship has patterns where connection and disconnection occur. No matter what is happening on the outside, these patterns look pretty similar from interaction to interaction. For example, one partner is angry, the other partner shuts down. The first partner then gets louder, the second partner leaves. This is called the pursue-withdraw cycle. Most, if not all, relationships have these patterns. These patterns come from learned experiences that tell us we are not safe or that vulnerability isn’t allowed. It can also be passed down from generation to generation due to trauma. When the cycle is present, often times these conversations spiral out of control.
It’s true—in couple relationships, opposites attract. This can be a positive thing as both partners will have different strengths. These differences can also rub on each other; it’s impossible to be that close to someone and not rub raw spots somewhere. Most relationships are made of one person who is a “withdrawer” and one person who is a “pursuer”. These positions are not a bad thing. When relationships get in trouble, it is because we stay stuck in these positions with one another.
When a disagreement occurs, the pursuer reaches for connection by moving towards their partner. They typically like to talk about the problem and actively pursue ways to look at what’s happening right now. It is generally hard for them to take a step back or give time for things to cool down. If they don’t feel heard, they may be critical or blaming. They may also tell their partner how to change or try to nudge them towards change. The underlying reason this happens is because the pursuer feels unsafe and disconnected. Disconnection is a painful, anxiety filled, scary place. Getting back to connection is so important that their actions may feel intense to others.
Pursuers may also experience burn-out; they feel they have tried to get their partner to see what they have seen for so long that they give up. Their actions start to look like the withdrawer’s actions. It may feel like change has occurred in the relationship when really, it hasn’t. This can be when the pursuer starts moving away from the relationship. This role is often times found more in women, but can be found in both genders.
While pursuers typically take the “fight” response during a triggered moment, the withdrawers take the “flight” position during disagreements. They move away from their partner or conflict by minimizing, deflecting, defending, shutting down, or walking away. The withdrawer has learned that engagement creates escalation. They move away from what’s happening in order to protect themselves and the relationship from the damage that can occur during these negative cycles.
Underneath what’s happening, the withdrawer feels intense emotion. They may feel pressure and have messages like “I’m not good enough or I will never be able to make my partner happy.” By shutting down, the withdrawer can avoid being overwhelmed by these emotions. They can also calm the situation down by not reacting while they are triggered. Men typically take this role, however this role can be found in both genders.
Typically there is a honeymoon phase in the beginning of pursue-withdraw relationships. The differences between the couple are seen as strengths. The differences may also seem really exciting. This often times doesn’t last long as their communication styles are so different that the couple starts to clash. They may start saying things like “we have nothing in common”.
These interactions typically start with the pursuer seeing a problem. They confront their partner about the issue and want to fix it immediately. The withdrawer feels overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions that come from this conversation so they shut down. The pursuer takes this personally. They may have thoughts in their mind that come up like, “My partner won’t be there for me,” or “I am not important to them.” Anxiety grows inside the pursuer and they become louder. The increase in tension will often times make it so the withdrawer will remove themselves from the situation.
One of the biggest perpetuators of these cycles is the lack of understanding of their emotions. They may also be so scared that they stay on the surface of their emotions and may not even be aware of the vulnerable emotions underneath. For example, if one partner feels angry, the primary emotion of anger is expressed. This doesn’t create connection. Underneath the anger there may be deeper feelings of fear or hurt. The fear and hurt, which could create connection if adequately expressed, is skipped over. In the end, this lack of vulnerability leaves the pursuer feeling unheard, unimportant, and lonely. The withdrawer is feeling attacked, misunderstood, and that they will never be good enough.
If you can see this cycle in your relationship, seek help. This pattern can be really tricky to spot. It is even tricker to stop without both people understanding what’s happening on a deeper level. A licensed mental health therapist who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy will be able to help you both see where you get stuck and how to get back to trusting, rewarding, and enduring connection faster and teach you to avoid that pattern in the future.
Dani Thurman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at The EFT Clinic and is currently accepting new clients. To schedule an appointment with Dani or any of our many experienced therapists, call our office at 385-695-5949.
Trauma rewires your brain and can even cause brain damage. This leads me to a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. How do I know if it’s trauma?
· Ruminating thoughts that you can’t get rid of.
· Not being able to let go of memories or events.
· A cloudy head, not being able to focus, or feeling confused.
The biggest problem with trauma, according to Brené Brown, is that it takes away our ability to be vulnerable with others. Without this ability to be vulnerable, we are unable to live a happy, healthy life. We are unable to truly connect with others. We often times also find ourselves in multiple abusive relationships.
At The EFT Clinic, we have made it our mission to uncover hidden trauma and help our clients understand how they get stuck in their patterns and relationships. Let us help you learn to create the kind of life you deserve.
What is attachment and why is it important?
Attachment refers the particular way in which you relate to other people. We each have a certain style of attachment that was influenced and developed at the very beginning of life. The most important years of attachment development occur during your first two years of life, and is influenced by your most consistent caregiver or mother-figure. Once established, your attachment style remains in place and directly influences how you relate in intimate relationships and in how you parent your children. It is important to identify and understand your style of attachment and how you felt and developed in your childhood because it offers you insight into your present relationship patterns. It also clarifies ways that you are emotionally limited as an adult and what you need to change to improve your close relationships and your relationship with your own children.
From the early hours of life and through the early years of childhood, infants need to develop a relationship with at least one primary caregiver in order for their social and emotional development to occur normally. Without this consistency in interaction, secure attachment is negatively impacted, and children can suffer serious psychological and social impairment. During the first two years, how the parents or consistent caregivers respond to their infants, particularly during times of distress, establishes the types of patterns of attachment their children form. These patterns will go on to guide the child’s feelings, thoughts and expectations as an adult in future relationships.
Ideally, when an infant cries out, their caregiver responds consistently. The baby begins to formulate confidence in the idea that when they have a need, someone will be there for them. This is essential during the first year of life and must be consistent during the first two years of age. As a result of this consistency, they form an emotional attachment to an adult who is attuned to them, that is, who is sensitive and responsive in their interactions with them. It is vital that this attachment figure remain a consistent caregiver throughout this period in a child’s life. During the second year, children begin to consider and use the adult as a secure base from which to explore the world and become more independent. A child in this type of relationship is more likely to become securely attached. In order for a child to feel securely attached to their parents or care-givers, the child must feel safe, consistently recognized, and soothed.
Some adults are emotionally unavailable and, as a result, they are insensitive to and unaware of the needs of their children. They seem to have little or no response when a child is hurting or distressed. These parents discourage crying and encourage independence. Emotions are seen as being negative and a sign of weakness. Often their children quickly develop into “little adults” who take care of themselves. These children pull away from needing anything from anyone else and are self-contained. They are likely to develop an avoidant attachment with a misattuned parent.
Some adults are inconsistently attuned to their children. At times their responses are appropriate and nurturing but at other times they are intrusive and insensitive. Children with this kind of parenting are confused and insecure, not knowing what type of treatment to expect. They often feel suspicious and distrustful of their parent but at the same time they act clingy and desperate. These children have an ambivalent/anxious attachment with their unpredictable parent.
When a parent or caregiver is abusive to a child, the child experiences the physical and emotional cruelty and frightening behavior as being life-threatening. This child is caught in a terrible dilemma: her survival instincts are telling her to flee to safety but safety is the very person who is terrifying her. The attachment figure is the source of the child’s distress. In these situations, children typically disassociate from their selves. They detach from what is happening to them and what they are experiencing is blocked from their consciousness. Children in this conflicted state have disorganized attachments with their fearsome parental figures.
People who formed secure attachments in childhood have secure attachment patterns in adulthood. They have a strong sense of self-worth and they naturally desire close relationships with others. They basically have a positive view of themselves, their partners and their relationships. Their lives are balanced: they are both secure in their independence and in their close relationships.
People who grew up with disorganized attachments often develop fearful-avoidant patterns of attachment. Since, as children, they detached from their feelings during times of trauma, as adults, they continue to be somewhat detached from themselves. They desire relationships and are comfortable in them until they develop emotionally close. At this point, the feelings that were repressed in childhood begin to resurface and, with no awareness of them being from the past, they are experienced in the present. The person is no longer in life today but rather, is suddenly re-living an old trauma. These people’s lives are not balanced: they do not have a coherent sense of themselves nor do they have a clear connection with others.
There is good news—it is never too late to develop a secure attachment. The negative effects of not having an ideal attachment experience early in life are absolutely reversible. Even though your patterns of attachment were formed in infancy and can follow you throughout your life, it is possible to shift your attachment style into a healthier one. The first step is to become aware of your present style of attachment.
Research on attachment demonstrates that awareness of your present attachment style and making sense of childhood experiences is actually the best predictor of future security in relationships. Research also shows that by forming an attachment with someone with a secure attachment style can influence our own sense of security in the relationship.
It may be helpful to meet with a therapist who is an expert in attachment theory. The therapist can help make sense of the insecurities and offer steps to shift and change the attachment patterns that have become barriers to healthy attachment. This process helps us to get to know ourselves through understanding our past experiences. This process takes time and varying levels of courage. However, in doing this, we strengthen our ability to navigate through the world with a more grounded sense of security that helps us better withstand the challenges and trials of life.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol I. Attachment (1st and 2nd ed.). New York, NY: Basic Books.
Fraley, R. C., Booth-LaForce, C., Owen, M. T., Holland, A. S., & Roisman, G. I. (2013, May). Interpersonal and genetic origins of adult attachment styles: A longitudinal study from infancy to early childhood. Personality and Social Psychology, 104(5), 817-838.
Meyers, L. L. (2003). The role of attachment style, gender, and relationship history in romantic partnership satisfaction and partner selection (Doctoral dissertation). Available from ProQuest.
Roisman, G. I. (2007, Jan). The psychophysiology of adult attachment relationships: Autonomic reactivity in marital and premarital interactions. Developmental Psychology, 43(1), 39-53.
Seedall, R. B. (2011, Oct). John Bowlby - from psychoanalysis to ethology: Unraveling the roots of attachment theory. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 37(4), 509.