This blog, this place that was created to be a bright and shiny window to my deepest, innermost thoughts, was born almost a month ago. And I have yet to make and publish* one single post.
It’s not that I haven’t been laughing. Or loving. And Lord knows I’ve been eating. Life has still been happening here. And it has been (mostly) wonderful.I am 100% sure that this severe-lack-of-posting funk has nothing whatsoever to do with me having nothing to say, but rather everything to do with the irrational, unexplainable, cold sweat/makes-me-want-to-puke/sudden-loss-of-brain-funtion inducing fear that I am met with each and every time I put my fingers to the keys.
After spending a few weeks believing that I was clinically insane and needed to be medicated (heavily), I finally realized that I am terrified of you. Yes, you, dearest potential reader(s). Not in a “people scare me” kind of way, but more so of the idea that you will come, you will read, you will see the truest form of me, you will leave, and.you.will.not.care.
In the end, it was agonizing. Let me repeat a-g-o-n-i-z-i-n-g. Warring internally with myself, trying to figure out how in the world I was going to present myself as this humorous, glamorous, and any other fantastical words that ended in -ous, human being. The answer I came up with, today as it happens, is simple.
I’m not. I won’t. I can’t.
My life is not a pre-written, pre-arranged script that can be drafted and edited and formatted to “fit” a certain genre or reach a particular group of people. Do I want to reach people? Yes. Do I want people to find a small corner of happiness when they visit this blog? Absolutely. Am I willing to lie, to puff myself or my life up to make those things happen? No, absolutely. I have promised never to feed you crap food, I will never feed you crap about who I really am, and what my life is really like. No, It is not always beautiful and chocolate covered, but, my hope is that it is that rawness, that feeling of being able to relate, that brings you back for one more bite.
Very interesting. Thanks for haring!
I totally relate and it took me forever to finally open my blog. A cockroach actually made me write my first post and overcome my fear, LOL. It is still hard to post stuff for fear that it wont be exciting enough for anyone but it is what I love doing so I get up and do it when I wanna! You should too! Congrats!!
I can really relate with this…its been two weeks and in spite of several things to write..stories to tell..m all jacked up.
I know now you will be blogging without a second thought.
Thank you – as I was reading this post, I was thinking “she understands what I’m going through with my own blog!”. Whew! It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this journey! Well done – and keep blogging!
It was so bad for me that my friends started to encourage me to start a a blog about starting a blog. Finally, I did it, and now it’s very natural and an everyday kind of thing for me.
Life is a series of bold choices…continue to make them. PS: Your sandwich looks delicious.
Yeah, it took me a long time to get from the ‘i should write a blog’ stage to even signing up. Nonetheless, here we all are, writing it all out!
Exactly the kind of blog i was looking for!
I have to write a blog for a class assignment and It was my fear of receiving an F that propelled me to finally get started. and now that I have I am filled with complete confusion as to how to even begin! so I get you.
I loved your blog and how you explained what you was feeling. I honestly can say I feel the same exact way. Simply “TERRIFIED” on sharing me with the world but know that I feel the need to express me.
Glad I’m not the only one with apprehensions about blogging! Just starting out myself and found your post comforting and useful. I’ve yet to write a blog post longer than a couple of lines!
Wow. That was a good read. I will facebook this internet site for later.
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