Don’t let your brain get between you and your loved one. That’s part of the message couples can take from a new study on managing work stress.
After observing the way 87 couples handled themselves when one half of the relationship was overloaded with work stress, researchers from the University of British Columbia identified a few behavior patterns that boosted marital conflict. Specifically, “rumination” and “withdrawal” were bad news when one or both members of a couple used them to cope with stress.
Exactly what is “rumination”? Here’s how the authors define it: “Repetitive and persistent thinking about one’s feelings and problems.” Basically, ruminating means your mind’s dwelling on how crappy or stressed out you are. Not only does this hurt your ability to move on, but it heightens the depression both you and your spouse feel as a result of your stress, the authors say.
Withdrawal, on the other hand, is psychologist-speak for the silent treatment. Put simply, you or your partner (or both of you) stop talking to each other and “check out” during times of high stress. Apart from being a bad idea on its own, withdrawal fuels rumination. So it’s a double whammy.
Any of this sound familiar? Hopefully you and your spouse are more likely to make each other laugh than to tune each other out when stressed. (Humor is a proven relationship mender and stress-reliever.) But if you’re all too familiar with the old “he’s crabby and quiet, so I will be too” routine, this new study suggests that your relationship is headed for trouble.
So what’s the best way to handle stress at home? Tackle it together, the study authors advise. Citing past research on “collaborative coping,” the authors say talking through stress with your partner and solving problems jointly is a great way to manage stress. Take a supportive “we” approach, they recommend. Doing this means resisting the temptation to withdraw from each other and into your own interior worlds of angry thoughts and quiet seething.