By David Joel Miller MS Licensed Therapist & Licensed Counselor.
Loving others requires loving yourself.
People in a positive, loving relationship need to develop a skill which we used to call Healthy Narcissism, today we might call this high self-esteem. Researchers in the mental health field, believe that a thing called healthy narcissism exists in mentally healthy people. Freud said that our love for others develops from the way we feel about ourselves.
Parents who feel good about themselves can share that love with the children. Parents who feel inadequate find it hard to approve of anything their children do. The more you judge yourself, the more you judge others. High self-esteem or health narcissism is quite different from the unhealthy narcissism we see in people who develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
When you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard like other.
People with low self-esteem find it difficult to have good relationships with others. A negative view of yourself carries over into negative attitudes towards other people, the world, and the future. Having good relationships with others bolsters your self-esteem. Taking good care of yourself increases your ability to care about others.
Developing an extremely narcissistic personality is one way people protect themselves when they have low self-esteem. Feeling yourself with positive feelings creates a surplus that you can share with others. When you see the world the lens of negativity, everything looks dark and unhappy.
How do you tell healthy self-esteem from pathological narcissism?
Healthy self-esteem results in good mental health. People who feel good about themselves have less anxiety and are more positive and optimistic. People with pathological narcissism, have shaky self-esteem. Someone with narcissistic personality disorder needs to feel superior to others to feel okay about himself.
If you are high in self-esteem, you have plenty of love to share. When your self-esteem is fragile and is based on the beliefs that you are the superior person, and that others should admire you for your greatness, your ability to love and care for others is limited. A pathological narcissist does not love other people; they see others as things they are entitled to use to meet their needs.
Narcissists think they are better than others. People with high self-esteem can see their good points and the good characteristics of others. Narcissists always believed they are better at things that they are. People with high self-esteem feel good about their accomplishments and can see the areas that need improvement.
Narcissists are selfish and believe they deserve the best of everything. People with high self-esteem take good care of themselves so that they will be able to take care of others. People with high self-esteem what their relationships to be caring. Narcissists have little interest in warm, close relationships and see their connections with others as tools they use to get what they want.
As we move through our series of Narcissism posts, feel free to ask questions and leave comments. To help you find these posts, below are some links to point you in the right direction. Keep in mind that all the posts about narcissists appeared in the narcissism category but links to future posts will not be live until future posts appear.
Posts about having a happy life will be found in the category – happiness.
Wandering through a hole in time they encounter Sasquatch. Can they survive? The guests had come to Meditation Mountain to find themselves. Trapped in the Menhirs during a sudden desert storm, two guests move through a porthole in time and encounter long extinct monsters. They want to get back to their own time but the Sasquatch wants to kill them.
For more about David Joel Miller and my work in the areas of mental health, substance abuse and Co-occurring disorders see my Facebook author’s page, davidjoelmillerwriter. If you are in the Fresno California area, information about my private practice is at counselorfresno.com.
In the field of psychology, there has been a good deal of study of a personality dimension which psychologists call narcissism. The way the term trait narcissism is used is very different from the way mental health describes Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This difference has caused some problems when people look at the results of personality tests, theirs or other people’s, and see that there is a score for narcissism.
Trait narcissism is meant to be a measure of how good you feel about yourself. For most people, this trait will be relatively stable over time. State narcissism is how much you are thinking about your own needs now and can vary with the situation. Sometimes you should think about your needs first, and other times you need to include others needs in your calculations.
This difference between the way psychology defines narcissism and the way it is described in mental health and recovery literature has created a good deal of confusion.
High trait narcissism is mostly a good thing.
People with low self-esteem, score low on measures of trait narcissism. As your self-confidence and self-esteem rise, your scores on the narcissism inventory rise. People with high trait narcissism are likely to be extroverted, emotionally stable, and mentally healthy. High trait narcissism correlates with improved functioning and an increase in life satisfaction.
Only those at the extreme high-end of the scale begin to resemble those with malignant, pathological narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. How much is too much may be open to interpretation but in the tradeoff between low self-esteem and being highly Narcissistic being in the middle, balancing your needs with the needs of others is the healthiest place to be.
Worldwide there appears to be a rise in the levels of trait narcissism. This principally reflects the shift from Eastern collectivist cultures to the Western competitive, individualistic society. We have encouraged everyone to feel good about themselves by bolstering self-esteem, but despite these efforts, there is more depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. When you keep raising the standards for what you expect from people the result is not universal high self-esteem but a society where no one can measure up.
The concept trait narcissism is chiefly studied using verbal questionnaires and tests. This raises the question if everyone responding to these questionnaires understands the concept in the same way. To refine the research results, the trait of narcissism is often studied by separately analyze various subscales, each of those subscales is defined using other words.
These various factors are used in measuring the level of narcissism a person has and the components of this condition. There has been some debate about whether these are all distinct factors or how much these concepts may overlap. Here are my thoughts, not specific diagnostic criteria.
When do you take command, insist on leading, and assume you are correct, and how much do you defer to the judgment of others. Do you always think you are right?
Do you think you can do everything? Do you always need someone else’s help? Can you balance self-sufficiency and cooperation?
Feeling better than others is not the same thing as confidence. No one is the best at everything, but highly narcissistic people think they are inherently superior.
More focus on looking good than on substance.
Balancing the search for applause with a tendency to do things specifically for attention.
Is there give and take in your relationship or are you all about getting what you need.
Do you accept that you need to work for what you get or do you feel that you are superior to others?
One interesting study examined the difference between people in the community who are high in trait narcissism and a group of prison inmates also high in narcissism. The subscale of Exploitivness mostly predicted which of those people who were high in trait narcissism would end up in prison.
How to recognize a pathological liar.
Separating truth from lies is hard work.
Is someone in your life a pathological liar?
Having a pathological liar in your life can wreak havoc on your mental and emotional health. It can take a long time to identify the habitual liar. Learn to spot the people who are lying to you.
They lie even when the truth would work better.
Pathological liars will invent tales rather than tell you the truth. They will continue to insist that what they say is true even when their elaborations have become outlandish. They try to make their story more believable by adding lots of fictional details.
They often don’t realize they’re lying.
It’s common for compulsive liars to repeat their falsehoods so often that they begin to believe them themselves. They believe things should be true because they want them to be so. Since they believe their fictions, they will continue to insist they are telling the truth despite mountains of evidence to the contrary.
When someone’s stories don’t make sense, with their entire life sounds illogical, there’s a good chance they believe many things that are not true. Pathological liars create elaborate life stories which are a complete fabrication.
They use lies to manipulate people.
If you feel someone repeatedly tries to manipulate you, look for the lies and false stories embedded in their narrative. When someone’s trying to get you to do something, ask yourself how honest do you believe they are.
Their failure, to tell the truth, hurts people.
Pathological liars are not concerned about what their untruths will harm others. They lie to get what they want. They do not feel that it’s wrong for them to lie. They will continue their dishonesty even when they know it is hurting those who are closest to them.
Pathological lying is a behavior pattern, not a specific mental illness.
There’s no specific diagnosis for pathological lying. It is currently considered a pattern of behavior. This condition overlaps several personality disorders, particularly antisocial personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
Everything they say is meant to make them look good.
Narcissists in particular, repeatedly lie, to make themselves look better and more important. The recurrent liar tries to manage other people’s opinion of them by manipulating the facts even if some of their purported facts are complete fictions.
They blame others for everything that goes wrong. It is always someone else’s fault.
Chronic liars are never willing to take responsibility for what they’ve done. Anything that has gone wrong must be someone else fault.
Shiny outside, dark side within – the narcissist.
Narcissists are dazzling at first.
In psychology, there’s an idea referred to as trait narcissism. This trait is closely related to self-esteem and measures how good you feel about yourself. As your narcissism rises, you feel better about yourself. Generally, this is considered a good thing. As your self-esteem rises you take better care of yourself. You may dress better and exhibit more self-confidence. The problems begin when the narcissist loses the ability to empathize with others, and it becomes all about them. At that point, high trait narcissism, or self-esteem, can become a destructive pathological narcissism we call narcissistic personality disorder.
Too much narcissism quickly turns repulsive.
People who have dated pathological narcissists report that in the beginning, the narcissist was extremely attractive. They often dress well, have expensive cars, and appear successful. Pathological narcissists have attracted fields where they can run the show and be in control of others.
When you first meet them, Narcissists are charming. Romantic partners find themselves swept off their feet. In romantic relationships, the problems begin to appear about the seventh date. In business contexts, it may take many months to recognize the destructive aspects of the narcissist.
In narcissism confidence becomes arrogance.
Confidence is a good thing when it comes from a high level of skill and talent. What makes the narcissist dangerous is that their confidence is the result of overvaluing their abilities. Narcissists are good at boasting that they can’t produce the result. What looked like competent turns out to be arrogance. They overestimate themselves and underestimate everyone else.
The narcissist’s overconfidence turns out to be a lack of insight.
Narcissists seek evidence that they are always right and superior to others. Consequently, they discount the opinions and contributions of others. They lose the ability to understand how their actions are affecting others. Narcissists, the pathological kinds, just don’t care about other people. Their view of the world is unrealistic they are unable to accept that they are less than perfect.
The Charming narcissist becomes manipulative and impulsive.
When you first meet a narcissist, they turn on the charm. This is easy for them to do because they fully believe that everyone worships them and that they are superior to others. Because of their unrealistic self-confidence and don’t think things over and act impulsively. These impulsive actions based on the belief that they are always right in their actions should always be admired.
With a narcissist, a dramatic life turns into attention-seeking histrionics.
Because of their grandiose beliefs, narcissists tend to live drama-filled lives. They live larger than life adventures. In their minds, they should be the stars of their own reality show. If others interested in him should lag, they’re likely to behave in histrionic ways.
It’s not unusual for people with pathological narcissism, technically called narcissistic personality disorder, to also qualify for diagnoses of histrionic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. When you believe, you are that wonderful; it’s easy to believe that everything should be about you and that the rules that apply to ordinary mortals don’t apply to you.
With the narcissist, imaginative becomes odd, even bizarre.
People who are high in self-confidence are often imaginative and creative. When self-esteem moves into being feelings of superiority, that creative streak can become bizarre thinking and behavior.
Some narcissists you just cope with.
It may be hard, but there are plenty of times in life when you are going to have to get along with difficult people. Narcissists turn up everywhere you go. Some occupations, business management, politics, and other high-pressure jobs attract people who are high in narcissistic traits. I’m beginning to believe that some jobs turn vulnerable people into pathological narcissists. Sometimes, for your own peace of mind, you must find ways to work with them.
If you are in a close, romantic relationship with the narcissist, or if they are a relative you may decide that you just have to accept them the way they are. Sometimes it’s not worth the conflict to upset your narcissist.
Here are some suggestions for surviving that narcissistic encounter.
Give that narcissist lots of praise.
Narcissists expect, need, frequent praise and complements. The best way to get along with a narcissist is to give them lots of approval. Some narcissists are insecure, and they crave praise. If you don’t give it to them, they are offended. Other narcissists believe they deserve your appreciation and will feel cheated if you don’t express your admiration. Hand out that verbal recognition in front of others to maximize its effects.
If you must criticize a narcissist, do it in private.
Narcissists expect to be praised and admired. Saying anything negative or disagreeing with them in public is likely to be taken as a personal attack. If you are forced to disagree with a narcissist or give them bad news, do it privately so that their public persona remains undamaged.
Make the narcissist the center of attention.
The higher that someone in your life is in narcissism the more they believe they should be the center of attention. If you take the spotlight off the narcissist, expect an all-out war. When they are in the room, let them shine. Your time comes with a narcissist is off stage. If you want to earn extra points, make sure you mentioned their contribution favorably whenever you get recognized.
Get clear on the narcissist’s rules.
Narcissists believe they are superior to others. If you want cooperation, make sure you know what their rules are and follow them. They may have a distorted understanding of truth, lies, and loyalty. You need to develop an understanding of when leaving negative things out will be considered lying and when not telling them your criticism will be considered loyal.
Do not cross a narcissist.
Because of the narcissist’s sense of entitlement, they are very likely to take everything personally. Before you take action, consider carefully whether the narcissist will agree with what you said and did. In making choices, your primary consideration will be making the narcissist happy. Make sure what you do will make them look good.
Keep your narcissist laughing, use humor.
Don’t get heavy or serious with the narcissist. They expect to be the source of all important ideas. Keep it light. Look for ways to keep them laughing. When you make the narcissist happy, they like you. Avoid being the one to bring them bad news. Narcissists are likely to blame the messenger. They tend to reward people who tell them what they want to hear even when it’s untrue. Narcissists are equally likely to punish people who bring them bad news even when it is a necessary truth.
Discovered a narcissist in your life?
Suddenly one day it dawns on you that someone in your life is a narcissist. This person is causing you pain, and you are trying to figure out what to do about them. Maybe this narcissist is a family member, a romantic partner, or maybe it is your boss.
You see all the signs. They have an inflated opinion of themselves, think they’re superior to you and others. Everything is all about them. You notice that they are constantly trying to manipulate you. This narcissist keeps asking your opinion about them. They are hungry for praise but become furious if you criticize them. The more you are around them, the more you feel used. No matter how much you give, it is never enough. They are causing you a lot of pain, and they can’t seem to see why you feel the way you do.
Sure, looks like a narcissist. What are you going to do now?
They shouldn’t act that way, but they do.
The first thing most people do when it dawns on them that they’re dealing with the narcissist is to try to get that narcissist to understand how it makes them feel, and to change their ways. You can spend a lot of time talking to them, trying to get them to understand how they are affecting you. Not only don’t they get it, but they believe they are so special that they have the right to expect everything to be about their needs and wishes. No matter how hard you try, they will not change.
They may be incapable of change.
If this person is really a narcissist, they may be incapable of change. Some people are high in self-esteem, assertive, and confident. The psychologist would say they are high in trait narcissism. Since they are competitive and want to win, they expect everyone else to take care of himself and this person may be slow to recognize how they are impacting you.
If this person has reached the point of malignant narcissism, technically diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder, one of the symptoms of their disorder is a lack of ability to empathize with you. They’re not capable of seeing your point of view. Any change in this situation is going to have to come from you.
What other problems do they have?
As you think about how you can cope with the narcissist think about what other problems, particularly mental health challenges, this person may have. Do they have a history of antisocial behavior? This increases the risk for you. Narcissists who are also paranoid, have Histrionic or Borderline Personality Disorders, present challenges even to highly trained professionals. If the narcissist in your life also has depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder professional help, for them and you, will be needed. Especially avoid narcissists with addictive disorders may be a danger to themselves and others.
If you have identified a narcissist in your life, think carefully about your choices. If it’s a boss, you can learn techniques to manage your interactions. You may be able to transfer to a different department or find a different job. Keep in mind that high level of narcissism is common in managers and in certain professions. Think carefully about whether this is something you can put up with or would it be emotionally healthier for you to leave.
For people in a relationship with a narcissist, you need to think about the long-term. If you been going together for two years, you may be telling yourself you have a lot of time invested. Ask yourself how you will feel if you have had to live with this person for 30 or 40 years?
If this is a family member, a parent or sibling, decide if you can tolerate them in small doses. Some people find they have to move away and reduce contact.
Is this a recurring pattern?
Have you been in multiple relationships with narcissists? You need to take a look at yourself; possibly you will need therapy. If you were a child of a narcissistic parent, you might be attracted to a narcissistic partner. We become comfortable with what we are used to. If you are low in self-esteem, you will attract narcissists who will believe it would be easy to manipulate you. What is the solution to the recurring problems? Work on changing yourself.
Will it get better with time?
People who are high in trait narcissism, competitive, self-confident people, tend to mellow with age. You may find that by lowering your expectations for those around you and learning to meet your own needs, that high narcissism person can become tolerable. Think about it. How will you cope with the narcissist in your life?
Why they think you’re a narcissist.
Have you been called a narcissist?
Among the reasons that people come to counseling, conflicts with others are high on the list. When a relationship comes apart, whether that relationship is a work one or an intimate one, it’s common to blame the other person. Sometimes both people involved, blame each other. The accusations usually include calling each other selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic.
At first encounter, the narcissist looks full of self-confidence. Closer examination may reveal someone who feels insecure, and needs reassure. Counselors and coaches find people who are high in narcissism difficult to work with. They are prone to think highly of themselves while having low opinions of others. Here are some of the behaviors that may be causing others to label you a narcissist.
Having great dreams is a wonderful thing. Beginning to think that because you are pursuing large goals, you are an important person, is the result of an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Pursue huge dreams but avoid getting a large head. If you want to accomplish great things you need to keep your ego in check.
You think there is no limit to your success.
You can be great at a few things, good at some things, but no one is successful at everything. If you start believing everything you do is better than others, you are leaving reality for delusions. Expecting to win and everything leaves you unprepared for setbacks. Believing you’re the greatest at everything alienates others around you.
You need lots of applause to keep you going.
Recognition feels wonderful, but if you begin to have cravings for admiration, you are headed towards the narcissistic addiction. Expecting everyone to recognize your greatness, and then being hurt when they fail to give you the admiration you expect, reeks of Narcissism.
You expect to be treated in special ways.
Feelings of entitlement are warning signs you are on the road to narcissism. Be careful about believing your own PR. Regardless of the position you occupy treat others the way you would like to be treated. If you start believing that you deserve special treatment, you’ll start looking down at others. Believing your superior drives others away. Your specialness may be pathological narcissism.
You believe it’s okay to get over on others.
The best deals are the ones where both people benefit. If you start believing that it’s okay to take advantage of others, others will not want to be around you. Severely narcissistic people treat others as objects there only to meet their needs. If you treat people like things, you create resentments. If you act narcissistic, people will call you a narcissist.
Not being able to put yourself in another’s shoes, results in others not wanting to walk alongside you. Narcissists see things only from their point of view. They can’t understand what others are feeling.
Have you convinced yourself that others envy you?
Riding the envy Express is a fast track to loneliness. Once you convince yourself that others are jealous of you, it’s easy to start being envious of them. Hater’s convince themselves that everyone else hates them.
Your successes have made you arrogant.
Once you convinced yourself that you can do everything better than others, that everyone hates you, and that you are entitled special treatment, your thinking, your behavior, and your speech become arrogant.
If you come to believe that your anger is caused by other people you have begun to take yourself far too seriously. Take ownership of your feelings. Others have their reasons for what they say and do. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that others behavior has something to do with you.
Your anger quickly turns to rage.
You start excusing your anger outbursts, and now you are going from zero to homicidal rage in seconds’ flat. Living in the land of rage points to your already having crossed the border into narcissism.
Your self-esteem has blown up like a balloon.
Rapidly expanding self-esteem requires lots of input to keep it inflated. Have you experienced complement shortage, and you are constantly fishing for compliments to keep your ego fed. If you believe that others ought to be recognizing your greatness, telling you how wonderful you are, you have left the land of reality.
You do a lot of blaming others?
As you feel more important and more entitled, you may start believing your failures are the results of others letting you down. The more you take the “it’s not my fault” stance, the easier it is to find others to blame. People who become highly narcissistic never accept any blame.
As a highly important person, you expect perfection from others.
The more your ego inflates, the more you expect perfection of others. You said impossibly high standards and those around you feel the strain. Setting impossibly high goals for others, while making excuses for yourself is the narcissistic thing to do.