As we approach our due date, I’m finding myself paralyzed with fear at times. Overall this pregnancy has been filled with joy because I’ve been taught the hard lesson that worrying, stressing, and trying to make plans never guarantee a good outcome. In situations like pregnancy, attempts to control anything are most often fruitless.
Sometimes I can quickly name the fears I feel, but other fears are a bit trickier. They don’t reveal themselves until I’m talking it out with a friend or my counselor. Sometimes the fears mask themselves in silly ways. Currently, I’m in a complete panic over Corrine’s nursery. Logically, I know she will be fine with the items we have and if we need something, we can simply go get it. Fear finds a way to seep in anyway. Right now I’m in a frenzy to make her room perfect. To transform a space in our home that’s welcoming and warm and complete. When things don’t go as planned, fear takes over. Fear takes me back to a weekend when the room stood empty and a crib was delivered with a broken rail – a precursor to a few days later when I felt as empty and broken as that room that was almost a nursery.
Bear with me as I freak out over unimportant details like paint colors, fonts, and fabrics. I know they don’t REALLY matter in the end. If I could instead control how and when Corrine comes, I would…but I simply can’t. It’s difficult not knowing how or when she will arrive. Not knowing if she will be in danger in the process of getting her out. Those unknowns scare me, but they are easy to name. Sure, I’m scared of how bad the pain of childbirth will be, but that pain doesn’t scare me as much as the emotional pain that consumed me last year. Physical pain is temporary and can be remedied with medicine and healing. The emotional pain doesn’t fade, there’s no fix, and it’s paralyzing.
What fears have you faced in a pregnancy? How did they mask themselves in ways you found hard to identify? How did you overcome your fears and find joy?