I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know how to handle this situation.
We hit it off with a new family in our ward about a year ago. Early on my oldest daughter (then 11) and their middle son (then 13) were playing basketball, and I was told by the mom that my daughter did/said something, which he responded to by getting physical. My daughter admitted that she had been stubborn, which she is. His mom told him not to get physical, and for several months after, there didn't seem to be any issues.
Afterward, though, my daughter mentioned that the son was still being "rude" to her (always verbal), especially after she started yw. I told her to ignore him and just keep her distance.
Then the middle son picked a fight with my oldest son in front of a group of youth and got his 18 year old brother involved to "back him up". My son was physically threatened by the older brother, and the whole activity went to heck as people took sides. It was ugly.
Our son is brutally honest and said he didn't back down when he should have, didn't walk away when he could have, and kept on with the verbal sparring even though things were deteriorating. We and our oldest son have apologized to the other family for his role in the incident.
The other mom, meanwhile, blamed my son alone for what happened. Everything her sons did was justified with "they are so defensive of their siblings; they always look out for each other," or "I'm sure we're both getting different versions of what happened, but boys will be boys, and we can't just believe everything they tell us." By we, she meant me, of course. She believed her sons were innocent.
We stopped interacting with the family after that, but remained polite. It's a smallish ward; all interactions can't be avoided. The middle son and his friends continue to make rude comments frequently; we've told our kids to ignore. I believe my kids when they say they haven't been engaging.
Then tonight, while parents were having a meeting, my daughter and her younger brother were hanging out in the nursery. The middle son, his two brothers, and some friends were playing with a ball in the same room.
Suddenly, the middle son starts hitting my daughter in the head with the ball repeatedly with a sarcastic, "Oops, sorry." every single time. My daughter (who is stubborn) kept drawing, not wanting him to think he had intimidated her. After he had hit her several times, my son asked the boy why he was being so mean. He ignored my son and kept hitting my daughter until she got upset and told the boy she hated him. He continued hitting her while mocking her, "Well, if you loved me, I'd have to shoot myself." And other ugliness.
Finally, an adult came into the room, and my daughter used the moment to leave. After she left, my younger son (only 10, much smaller) started getting hit in the head with the ball. He tried to get away from the middle son, but the boy wouldn't leave him alone, hitting him repeatedly.
When they told me what happened, I called the mother. I was nice about it, not accusatory or on the attack; I also acknowledged that my daughter had verbally responded when the boy continued hitting her. The mom said she would deal with it when she got home.
Once again, however, she blamed it all completely on my daughter, who her son claimed had hit him in the head first, said he deserved it, and made continuous snide remarks.
I have been around my kids enough to know they aren't perfect (we homeschool; I see them all day). They should have left the room the first time he hit her. They could have done a lot of things differently, but I also know that they weren't lying or exaggerating about the way the incident played out.
I know my daughter well enough to know that she would have continued to sit drawing, quietly stewing until she hit her breaking point (exactly as she and my son described), then she would have lashed out verbally (which she admitted), and then she would have left (which she did). This is what happens at home. She is not one to pick fights or just sit there and continue a stream of verbal abuse; it's just not her personality. But the other mother believes that her son's behavior is the result of having been provoked before losing his cool (same story as the other incidents with him).
Before anyone says you can't always believe everything your kids say, I got the same story individually from both of my kids who were present. The way they told it wasn't the same, but the progression of events was identical. These two children are not ones to typically lie/exaggerate, even if they get in trouble. My daughter was ashamed of herself for not leaving and for saying she hated him.
It may not be a major incident, but my daughter is miserable with the constant harassment. I'm furious and want it to STOP. How do we (kids and myself) handle this situation? I don't want to cause problems in the ward, don't want the boy's behavior to escalate, and don't want to despise the mother, because outside of all of this, I actually really like her. Help!!
Unfortunately, he was just called as the elders quorum president. Like I said, he can put on a very convincing front. But I have personally witnessed his anger and his inner crazy. That's a whole, whole, whole different issue though that has more or less been resolved at this point.
Ugh. Ok, that both makes it more complicated and more important that you say something. Especially now, EQP is basically #2 to the bishop (according to what Elder Anderson said at a regional training my dh (dear husband) attended).
On the other hand, since he's a direct priesthood leadership for your husband, it makes it much less of a "personal matter between Ward members" and more something that leadership should know about.
This could get sticky. The options I think are either are total avoidance, and bringing it to the bishop.
Thanks to all of you for your reassurances and many, many helpful suggestions. I will weigh talking to the bishop privately. He's a great guy, and I think he has an inkling about the dad's issues. But the bishop is also an extremely optimistic and idealistic person. It takes A LOT for him to stop giving someone the benefit of the doubt. So it may or may not be beneficial to approach him with this issue.
Actually, I think that keep line of communication open with the Bishop would help adjust his optimism. If you wait and this continues to escalate, it'll be harder to have his help rather than if you say something now and ask that he help keep an eye on things to assist if there is need for de-escalation.
I don't envy your situation. It's super sticky. However, your bishop knows you. If you aren't the type to make a big deal of everything and get super-easily offended then the Bishop isn't going to color you that way. I would be careful and leave out the stuff about what your kids should have done. Your kids behaved exactly how they should have, and it gives the other family leeway to escape blame and an excuse.
You have nice-girl syndrome and it shows, don't pass it on if you can help it.
The stake calls the elders' quorum president, they probably asked the Bishop if it was okay- but the Bishop didn't choose him.
Personally, I would focus on the son's physical treatment of your daughter.
I will say- I don't text men in our ward, and DH (dear husband) wouldn't text women. That guy clearly has issues, but a lot of people don't do cross-gendered familiarity in society. The dad was completely out of line for stepping in and freaking out like that, but a lot of people may share his opinion on men and women not communicating in that manner.
After reading all the comments, I would go to a different ward (whether by getting permission or just going), and if anyone asks why, I wouldn’t hide the reason. I realize that people may think I’m being dramatic, but your children should be able to feel safe at church. I agree with pp that this is not minor bullying.
We’ve dealt with a bullying situation at church also, and it was very eye opening how it was very rug swept and blown aside with a “teenagers are dumb” rhetoric. One set of parents of a child involved as well as a bishopric member point blank told my husband and me that my son brought it on himself. It saddens me how in a church where we should be taught to love one another and treat others kindly, this happens in so many circles.
The complication of church leadership is another good reason for making it a police matter (though I wouldn't if the kids apologize and agree it wont happen again). Even assuming that police go and talk with them and write a report that doesnt go anywhere (I should have also advised OP (original poster) to take the children to the ER or their family dr when someone hits them, because someone needs to advise and rule out medical issue.), the kids and parents will have seen that you arent going to let them beat up on them without consequence, and are likely to show more restraint. And that police report, and any thing you put in writing to that family and the bishop will be evidence if something further happens.
The complication of church leadership is another good reason for making it a police matter (though I wouldn't if the kids apologize and agree it wont happen again). Even assuming that police go and talk with them and write a report that doesnt go anywhere (I should have also advised OP to take the children to the ER or their family dr when someone hits them, because someone needs to advise and rule out medical issue.), the kids and parents will have seen that you arent going to let them beat up on them without consequence, and are likely to show more restraint. And that police report, and any thing you put in writing to that family and the bishop will be evidence if something further happens.
This! I don’t understand why some moms are giving such passive advice when this isn’t a passive thing. Her kids are being physically assaulted. This is the type of situation that sets the tone for how these kids interact socially going forward- will they allow people to continually mistreat them in the name of not trying to draw unwarranted attention to a “sticky” situation? Please, teach them through action that they need to stand up for themselves immediately every single time.
I'm so sorry, OP, that you're dealing with all this! You've gotten some great advice. I'd love an update as things progress. Good luck!
Thank you again for all the kind words and advice! Not that it's been a huge passage of time, but so far, no more issues. I've given my children instructions (not to be alone with members of that family, remain calm if something happens, but speak up and tell the other kid to stop, and to find an adult).
I have the young women's presidency and the young men's presidency keeping an eye on things. My husband (a counselor in ym) is supposed to be talking to the presidency about addressing the issue, both in keeping an eye on things, and hopefully speaking to the boys about bullying behavior. And my husband and I will be speaking to the bishop as soon as possible just to give him a heads up.
Things are very hectic in our ward right now because our ward just split. They are trying to fill a million callings right now and every auxiliary has a new presidency. Some of these things are just going to take some time to deal with.
As far as pursuing legal action, our state has very strict laws about what constitutes assault. (I looked that up when the family's 18 year old son threatened my 16 year old in October). The 14 year old hitting someone in the head with a ball would not qualify. However, that option is not off the table for me if the behavior warrants it. Trust me, I won't have any qualms about filing charges if it's legally justified.