Am I Brave Enough to Be Pregnant?
As I scanned the prices & brands for my favorite shade of eyeliner something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. A mother lifting her two little girls up & out of their buggy in front of an impressive display of nail polish.
I listened as she told them they could choose any color they liked as long as it came from the bottom shelf. They oohed & aahed while eagerly pointing out their favorites & looking to their mother for confirmation of the nail polish’s beauty.
My own shopping list was forgotten as I watched them climb back into the cart. My eyes began to fill with emotion as I heard their happy chatter round the corner to the next aisle. I quickly blinked back my hopes, dreams, & desires of motherhood as I rushed to complete my shopping trip before it began to rain again.
By the time I reached my car I had bumped into them 2 more times in the grocery store & my mind was distracted by their happiness & my heart was longing for little ones of my own. I naturally began to wonder when my own day will come & then the question that’s been bothering me recently reappeared in the pit of my stomach.
My husband is often reminding me, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” But neither my husband nor Winnie the Pooh has ever pushed a human out of his body.
There are many things that I fear about pregnancy, the most superficial being that I will look like a snowman when I get pregnant. Because knowing my body, this will happen to me. I will be huge. I will be ginormous. And I am very self conscious. Will I sink into depression? Will I have the confidence to step out of the house? Will my troublesome back & feet be able to handle all the extra weight?
My second fear is doing something wrong that could harm my unborn child. I might be a non-smoker, non-alcoholic, vegetarian, but there are still a lot of things that I could eat or do that I shouldn’t. I plan on doing a lot of research when the day comes, but that just leads me to another problem.
I have a tendency to be a hypochondriac. I don’t think I need to dwell on how that’s going to be a problem. I have a fear of fear. Feel free to laugh at the irony.
Fourthly, what if I can’t get pregnant or if I lose our baby. How will I handle the emotions? Will my husband understand? Will I need to be strong for both of us?
Finally, (& here comes a whole lot of honesty) giving birth is my number 1 fear in life.
Yes, I am more afraid of giving birth than I am of death or dying.
I firmly believe that every women who gives birth deserves some sort of medal. They are pushing a living, moving, human being out of their body. And while I know it is the most beautiful & natural thing, my first instinct is to close my legs & keep from saying “gross” too loudly.
Sometimes I wish I was a seahorse.
I know I must sound like a child, but again, that’s why I fear I might not be brave enough for pregnancy.
And while I would love to end with some words of wisdom & share how some life lesson is teaching me to be less afraid & more brave, that is just not the case.
All I can do is hope & pray that when the day comes God will give me the courage I need to be brave in pregnancy.
My bIggest fear Is actualy having the eneRgy to look after my baby, and the anxiety that it will bring. The fact that a baby depends 100% on you for survival freaks me out maSsively. I loVe children but babies are hard work and i fall sick easily. I can’T imagine how am i going to deal with that when the day cOmes. Coping with exhaustion and not snap at my parTner or anybody else around. Iget Crazy cranky when i’m tired and mums get very litTle rest. Where do they get the energy? Please tellme the secret, else i might just keep postponing it until it’s too late ?
I completely understand! While I’m not a mom yet, I have heard from other moms that motherly instinct will kick in when the time comes. I’m hoping & praying that is true! I’ve also heard it said time & time again that when your baby sleeps you should sleep too so that you get your rest. Whenever I get tired my father immediately says, “You need to drink more water!” Haha!
Even though we aren’t trying to get pregnant yet my husband already jokes that I am going to spend all day just holding our baby, looking at their little round face, & doing nothing else. And he is probably completely right. Luckily that won’t take much energy!
I’ve said a little prayer for you that God guides your life & that He will cover your worries with His peace!
Trust me I felt the same way HOW DOES A BABY GET OUT OF THERE?!?!? But trust me it is the most magical thing you will ever experience.
So true! Plus the whole 10 cm thing is a bit scary!
You will be just fine! There is so much joy and anticipation that goes along with labor and delivery, and it’s just very exciting. The momentum carries you along! I had an unintended natural childbirth with my first, then an epidural with my second. Second was, of course, so much easier, but both times I felt the wonder of God and the universe all around, and pure joy. You don’t want to miss that! XO.
Thanks Annie for your sweet & encouraging comment!
I LOVE what you said about feeling the wonder of God all around you. So beautiful! I pray I will get to have that joy (no matter the type of birthing experience).
I felt much the same way, and I feel a little that way about becoming pregnant again, (if I ever do). Yet, here I am, with three children of my own. You just kind of have to jump in and “do it afraid,” and then deal with the outcropping consequences! 🙂 It’ll be weird, but it won’t be quite like you imagined. For example, most of us, feel a beautifying effect with pregnancy that outweighs the negative feelings of largeness. (Thank God I had the influence of a mother and girlfriends who were not negative about pregnant body-image.) It is the hardest thing you will ever do, but what is the alternative? Thanks for being honest about it!