As I sit here, looking out of my 12th-floor apartment window, onto the drizzly streets of Broadway, I feel so grateful to be back in the city. When I left NYC 8 years ago, and carted myself off to rehab, I felt so awful that once again my eating disorder had beat me. All I ever wanted was to live in this city, free from the desire to binge and purge, so that I could live out my dreams; which, at that time, was dance. While I did do that, my entire experience was overshadowed by the cloud of dysfunction hanging over my head.
Now, I’m back, this time pursuing my MSW in clinical social work at NYU, and I have to say that life tastes pretty darn good. I don’t binge and purge anymore (just for today), thankfully.
The eating disorder mindset, however, is still quite present. I feel caught between the person I was, and the person I want to become. While I know intellectually that I don’t want the private hell of the eating disorder, I still have a constant desire to lose weight (don’t all women—even those without disorders?). Because I have been pounding the pavement of NYC like a maniac, out of sheer business, and because I’m making better choices of not emotionally eating, I have lost weight. I think that there is nothing wrong with my body, yet, I want to lose more. This is why eating disorders are classified as a mental disease (dis-ease).
Ultimately, I don’t want to lose too much, because if I look “sick,” then I won’t be able to work in the area of therapy I want to—working with eating disorders. So, that’s what I mean when I say I’m caught between my unhealthy and healthy self.
Anyway, for today, I will eat my food as planned. For everyone (like I used to be) who doesn’t trust that a food plan works, it does! In fact, many of my bulimic friends in recovery have lost weight! I know that self-knowledge avails us nothing, and that the reasons for staying in the ED extend far beyond the possibility of weight loss… so I don’t mean to sound reductionist.
Well, off to do homework! I will try to post much more often.
It’s so nice to be caught up in life, instead of food!!
The Abyss of Bad Body Image...Don't Get Sucked Under!
NEDA Walk... Need a Burger and Fries?