I have been walking around all day with that nagging feeling in my stomach.
I have packed my bag, and Meghan’s too.
I have filed, organized, and made lots of lists.
There is a new schedule on the wall – color coded and everything.
The calendar says it’s time, but my heart, and my stomach beg to differ.
Summer was to be about beaches, and barbeques. It was to be about road trips and freedom. It was designed for friends, and fun, and get-togethers.
Except that most of that never came to be.
There was that knee surgery in May, that derailed any hope of walking long distances for a while, and thrust us into 2x a week PT. Which, even though we LOVE Dr. Jill, can be daunting in the schedule. And, it eliminated most day trips that could easily be taken for granted, if you don’t have to factor in that a walk more than about 3/4 mile is out of the question.
And while that was going on Daddy was rebuilding the deck. Alone. For three months. Every spare minute of April, May and June. It looks so beautiful. Maybe next year we will get some people over to relax and enjoy the deck, and the grass. The new grass, artificial, durable, and a drastic improvement over the old side yard. Yes, maybe next year.
We got the pool open the first week in July. And July had drama “camp,” and I use the term VERY loosely. And July had swim practice. And July had doctors, some regular, like PT, others on the 6 month schedule. And some blood tests, and some ultrasounds, and a bone density test for mom. I think I stopped counting at 30 appointments.
And August had it’s own set of appointments, including hand surgery to remove a vascular lesion from her palm. And setting up the whole wisdom teeth thing for September.
So it’s easy for me to be sad. And down on things. Because I want a do-over. But, I guess that’s normal. Because most people probably do.
I sat down tonight to get my head clear. To “flip it,” and get my head and my heart in the right place for tomorrow. I sat down to acknowledge the many things I have to be grateful for, and the things that went WELL this summer.
The new deck. No splinters. No maintenance. Pretty. And finished.
Walking barefoot in my backyard.
Road trip to West Virginia, that I took alone, on a very rainy June weekend to meet some Marines. Healing help.
Listening to my girl sing. In pain. In joy. In the shower. In the living room. In the car. Anywhere.
Healing progress. From both recent surgeries. And the resilience to continue to endure.
Laughter. Mine. His. Hers. Friends of hers. Strong laughter.
Disney. I’d go back three times a year if I could.
Graduation party, bridal shower, and a wedding. Mom being 18 years cancer free. Meghan turned 12, and Felix had a birthday too! We celebrated Pop’s 96th birthday. Celebrations.
Watching my all time favorite movie, “Dead Poet’s Society” with my girl.
Nutrition packed shakes, EVERY day. Even in Disney. Fueling my body.
Reading a book my friend in Australia wrote about Cowden’s – for all the world to see.
Antibiotics that heal recurrent infections.
Walking. 5 miles a day, most days. and at least 10,000 steps every day since July 8th. Goal met.
Last, and DEFINITELY not least, were my walks with Mom. My healing walks with Mom. There were so many mornings when she and I walked together, 2 miles, with 2 dogs. We talked this summer more consistently, and for longer, than we have in a long time. I think this was one of the best things that happened all summer. She is a strong lady. Lyme Disease took a stab at her this summer. Apparently for the second time. And she has told it where to go. So often she is a grounding force for me in this never-ending battle to remain BEATING COWDENS. I will miss those walks. They were not just for the FitBit, but so much for the heart and the mind.
My Mom. My first hero. My friend. We need an updated picture.
And that is just what my compulsive, reflective, organized self needed.
Because now, I feel a little better. It wasn’t what I had hoped. There was sadness, and worry. for my own girl, and for so many others. For adults I love, and for a former student fighting a formidable battle.
But, I woke up every day. And lots of days the sun shined. And fun doesn’t have to stop just because school starts.
So as I lay my head down tonight I will do my best to do it with gratitude. For new days. For new seasons. For a job with a kind boss, helpful colleagues, and wonderful children. For a job that begins new every year. For the knowledge that every day, every season, will hold blessings and challenges, for us and for everyone.
I wish you all a wonderful fall, but I’m not closing the pool just yet….
I’m so thankful my husband found your blog. Just yesterday we received my 11 yr old daughters diagnosis of CS. Overwhelmed, sad, scared…just a few emotions I’m feeling today. Tough decisions ahead: do my hubs and I undergo testing, do our other children? How do you explain this to an 11 yr old with PDD-NOS?
I will be checking back here regularly…thanks for the updates and please know I’ve added you and your family to my prayer list.
Thank you so much. I am sorry for the delay in my reply. Things get crazy. Often. I am not sure where you live but I am sure by now you’ve begun initial screenings. it can all be so overwhelming. I have a FB page with this same name if you need – you can message me there as well. Sending love and prayers to you as well. No question is easy.