"It’s a regional thing. People in the Midwest call it ‘pop.’ People down South call it ‘coke.’ But where I grew up, we don’t have a word for it. We just refer to it by frantically gnashing and chattering our teeth."
"Anyone who questions my knowledge needs to remember that I got the job the same way everyone at ESPN gets the job: by wearing a blindfold and identifying Joe Namath by the feel of his calves."
"The car companies need to start printing the full names on the gear shifter, because I bet a lot of people assume R stands for ‘Roar Forward’ and D stands for ‘Dash Backward,’ which is dangerous. Also, let’s get rid of N all together, because I assume it stands for ‘Nada.’"