I'm probably too sensitive about the twins. Would it stun you to know that when I am with them, large stretches of time will pass where I forget that they aren't "typical"? To me, a lot of the time, they're just babies.
Great big, five year old babies.
We were at the grocery, pushing our two five year old babies around in carts, buying soda pop, and the 7 year old was babbling on about Star Wars and I saw a woman looking at the twins with a doting smile. She catches my eye and says "Oh how old are they?" I answer that they are five.
And then she says "Are they on the Spectrum?"
This is when my heart wrenches out of my body.
Yes, I tell her. They are both autistic. She tells me they are so cute, and we talk about their degree of disability. I learn she also has a son on the spectrum AND she teaches autistic children at a nearby school. She meant no harm or disrespect. She was very kind.
But I hate it that people notice.
I hate it for THEM and for me. I don't want you to see their disability. I want you to see that they hug and kiss and know all their abc's and numbers and that they CAN INDEED talk....they just don't quite understand it. I want you to see them greet me with total enthusiam when I walk in the door and the way they snuggle into my arms if they are sleepy during family time at the end of the night.
I want you to hear them laugh hysterically at Grover and at the Teletubbies.
THEY ARE JUST CHILDREN. They are not their disability.
At a recent meeting of our local support group - a parent described finding out their child was autistic as "losing" that child. At first I felt I understood - but in fact, all we lose is our IDEA of what they will be. When in fact, we never knew to start with what would become of them.
Our children are not who we think they are and will not be who we think they will be whether typical or not. And even though my beautiful twins were diagnosed with Autism this year....I didn't lose them. All this means is that their possibilities shifted - but not dissolved.
I don't see them as disabled. I just see them as who they are. I have to wait to find out who they will be.
Last November 13th, I thought I was going to give my mother the BEST birthday present (it's her birthday).
I was going to call her, after my trip to the OBGYN, to tell her I was pregnant.
I had an appt for a 8 week ultrasound and despite the massive amount of hormones I was on due to some earlier bleeding - I was looking forward to giving her a call.
Until I had my appointment.
That was when they told me it wasn't a baby, hadn't ever been one - and that it was time to let it go on it's way. Except that it just led to almost two weeks of one of the worst physical nightmares I've ever had.
Instead of calling my mom to tell her happy news, I called her and cried. And she cried too and it was a fairly miserable present to give her.
So this year, I was scheduled for a visit to the high risk OB - on November 13.
I got a little paranoid right before it - as you might've noticed from an earlier post. I just kept thinking,"This is too normal. This is TOO ok. Something is wrong."
When they started the ultrsound.....I held my breath.
She is beautiful. And by the little glimpse she gave us of the goodies - she is in fact a she. We'll super double check that in 30 days or so. If she is, in fact, a she - she will be Julia Suzanne. Named after the Beatles Song Julia - and my mother's best friend Susan who is far more family to me than most of the people I'm related to.
Not familiar with the song? Well you should be. I'm going to be singing it a lot from now on.