So here we are in the new year, with our lists of resolutions. It’s hard to make small changes, much less large-scale changes that alter the entire landscape of one’s life.
Shane Niemeyer at his 2003 booking in Boise.
Trawling my Gmail inbox for a good story I happened across the one about how the addict who tried to hang himself in an Idaho jail failed to do the job thoroughly and wound up alive after all. (A number of us know how that feels; I don’t, exactly, but a number of us do.) While recuperating in a straitjacket he found some magazine stories about triathletes. He turned the pages with his feet and decided that if killing himself hadn’t worked, he’d—well—he’d become a triathlete.
Recovering heroin addict Shane Niemeyer running his first Ironman World Championship race in Kona, Hawaii.
That was seven years ago. He just completed the Ironman World Championships in Hawaii.
I don’t want to be a triathlete, but I have made it a goal this year to test my strength. So two days ago I started an exercise regimen. The regimen calls for me to exercise six days per week for at least an hour per day. It also calls for an initial nutrition plan of 50 percent protein, 30 percent carbs and 20 percent fat. Which is a lot more protein and a LOT less carb than I’m used to eating.
Psychologically, I am a wuss.
How do I know this?—because when I couldn’t do what I needed to do, as hard as it was being demonstrated to me, as fast and as many times as it was being demonstrated (perfectly, in other words), I wanted to quit. I needed to quit. I needed to hide my face even from myself.
When I couldn’t do even ONE of this particular exercise (I crashed on my forehead, from a very short distance), I almost gave up my resolve to do the entire program. How’s that for extremist, black-and-white, if-I-can’t-have-it-now-I-won’t-have-it-at-all thinking.
Jesus God, I am so tired of having sponsors/coaches/therapists/other borrowed or paid shamans tell me I have to Do Time. Time In Grade, my sponsor says. When does the freebie come.
Not me, mate! My motivation derives from being in front at the off. … Pffff.
What the hell makes you think YOU can handle those college kids?
Poor mum. What that was about, I can see now, was: SHE wanted to be able to teach the college kids. But it wrecked my confidence. I allowed it to. I was 24; the kids, some of them, were 20. For a long time, when I’d walk through the door of a classroom, I’d hear those words in my mind.
Amends, I can see now, are not always about going back to a grave site and reading a letter. They’re sometimes about kicking somebody else out of your head-space.
I passed one year sober the other day. I’ve got more than two years working the 12 steps to stay clean and sober, and compared to One Year, 90 days looks like small time. Angela told me she used to say to herself that she could do anything for 90 days. Well, I know I can, and that’s not bravado. I mean, I’m used to putting myself on a five-minute basis of not using. I’m used to Going To Any Lengths.
I’m sore as hell. I’m used to being sore. I actually even like being sore. I just don’t like Not Being Able To Do What I’m Told To Do. If I need to go to any lengths, and I can’t, then how do I get better?
I guess I just show up and try again. Welcome to the human race.
It took Shane Niemeyer seven years to get to the world championship in Kona.
Haven’t bought a pull-up bar yet. But I will.
love this post! especially about kicking someone out of your headspace!
Very motivational – great for the beginning of a new year and a new decade. Thanks.
Awesome G. You go for it. You will be doing those pull ups soon enough.
G – sometimes it helps to take a class, or exercise with someone else – to keep you motivated. And then, there’s the flip side of the coin. I’m worried that my daughter, Hayley, who has been clean and sober since last May (from heroin/crack cocaine addiction – plus, anything else she could get her hands on), has substituted exercise as her “drug of choice”. I’m going to post about this soon.
I can totally relate to this post, both because I’ve never been able to do a pull-up and because I want to be out in front of the pack from the get-go too. I’ve recently started doing yoga again and have to continually remind myself to stay grounded in the process, rather than starting out as a revered yogi. Thanks for the funny post!