The Aloof Control Drama is the vague, mysterious one. When asked “How was your day?” He’ll answer, “Fine.” … “What did you do today?” “Stuff,” etc. Giving very short, vague answers to any questions, or avoiding conversations altogether, the Aloof is playing a game of cat and mouse, but she doesn’t want to get caught. Ever. Like a clam or a turtle, the Aloof has learned that the best way to survive this world is to stay clammed up in his shell, and sticking his head out even for a little bit takes a great deal of courage and trust. If you’ve found yourself in a situation when you felt you were being “drilled” for information and you were doing what you could to just avoid giving out information, chances are you’ve had the experience of playing the Aloof Control Drama.
The Poor Me is the whiner and complainer. The person in this Control Drama is feeling sorry for herself and is hoping to gain some sympathy from others as she tells about all the ways in which her life is dealing her a bad deal. She may describe life as being so awful that you feel responsible to somehow fix it, or that the energy flow is almost like you are somehow responsible for all the pain and suffering the poor me is struggling to overcome. While I know no one really wants to admit that we’re playing any Control Drama, I don’t know anyone that hasn’t had a moment (or a day, or a week) of just wanting to sit down and have a good whine.
So, okay, there they are. Perhaps you see yourself in one (or more) of the Control Dramas, or perhaps, like me, it is much easier to see how OTHER PEOPLE play the Control Dramas with you while you are trying to maintain your positivity, dang it!
Generally, if you recognize that someone is playing an Intimidator Control Drama with you, it is likely that you are either playing the Poor Me, or also an Intimidator.
For example, he says something snarky, and then she retaliates with something a bit growlier, and then he replies with another grouchy comment, and then she gets a bit louder and more severe and then he also gets a bit more intense with his own voice and facial expression, and it keeps going up the ladder of intensity until one or both of them hit a “Kaboom.” Kaboom sounds and feels a bit like a volcano blowing its top, or a bomb exploding.
It doesn’t matter who started it, in this story. What matters, is that each time it was “your turn” in the exchange, you had an opportunity to take it up a notch on the intensity scale or to change the game to a more authentic interaction. Yes, of course, I’ve taken it up a notch on the intensity scale many many times. Experience is a powerful teacher.
Generally, if you recognize that someone is doing the Interrogator Control Drama with you, there is a high likelihood that you’ve been playing Aloof with them. Or the reverse is also true, if you see someone playing Aloof with you, there is a high probability that you’ve been Interrogating them or that you’ve been the Critic that they’re trying to avoid.
And with the Poor Me… well, it could be that you’ve been Intimidating them, with your threats of “or else” or that you’ve been in a competition to see whose life is the worst and trying to “Out Poor Me” them.
Ouch!!! Did Candella just tell me that I have a Control Drama?
I guess that might have been my own inner Critic stepping forward a bit and calling us both out on playing these Control Dramas in our real lives. Perhaps I might have been a bit softer in calling it out, but at this moment, it seemed like the shortest path through the healing was to rip off the band-aid and just expose the wound to air. It may sting a bit, but as we learn to notice the Control Dramas occurring, we must also learn to notice that we have the option to playing the corresponding Control Drama dance partners, or to change the music and start dancing in a new way.
The very first step towards overcoming Control Dramas and avoiding engaging in these Control Dramas with others is to recognize what is happening. If you’ve made it this far, and you’re shaking your head in recognition, you’ve taken some huge steps forward in your own spiritual growth, and for that, you deserve a round of applause and to know that I am so very proud of you.