As I watched David Cameron's speech on Britain's future in the EU on Wednesday, I was reminded of a scene from the 80s British sitcom, Only Fools and Horses.
Our cockney hero Derek Trotter, or Del Boy, is on holiday in France. He spots a bikini-clad beauty at the poolside bar and tries to pick her up. Sadly, Del Boy cannot speak French but rather than admit he's clueless, he gives it a go anyway. You can see he's convinced himself of his fluency. Responding to the blonde's 'Vouz restez à l'hotel?, Del replies with a smirk, 'Defense de fumer', following up with a drinks order 'Dos Dubonet, per favore. Danke Schön'. Cue much canned laughter and an incident with an inflatable chair.
So, why did David Cameron's speech remind me of this? Because I felt the same cringe-worthy embarrassment watching Del Boy as I did watching Dave Boy. The sense of, here's a Brit, making a wally of himself abroad. To paraphrase Del Boy, I wanted to shout at the screen, "Dont be a plonker, David!"
Mr Cameron's speech highlighted, for me, quite how far Britain feels separated from its European neighbours. It goes well beyond psychological geography, the excuse of "We cant help being suspicious of the EU, we're an island" or "We're more entitled to sovereignty, we're an island." I often get a sense of genuine fear.
But I have a way to solve this. Britain, move!
There are around 20,000 Brits living in the French capital. When I first moved here, someone told me to expect a lot of Brits suddenly becoming experts on what shade of blue the Queen would wear at Ascot. No-one's as patriotic as an expat, I was told. To a degree, that's right. In nearly every quartier, there's a pub, packed with a crowd baying for Sky Sports' english-language football commentary on big match days. Picking out the Brits at France 24 is easy - who gets the most excited by a packet of hob-nobs? who knows where to find bacon in Paris? who knew the most efficient way to live stream the London Olympics? The Brits, of course. I even made sausage rolls, for the first time in my life, to mark the opening ceremony.
Yet, speaking personally, I am constantly amazed at how a tiny move geographically has completely re-worked the lens through which I view the UK's place in Europe, and by dint of that, the rest of the world. London, where I am from, is so close to Paris, not even 3 hours by train, but it's perspectives apart. Only by moving out of the UK, have I come to realise how incredibly UK-centric my motherland is. Perhaps that's the result of generations of British schoolchildren spending more time learning about what Henry VIII ate for breakfast** than the formative history of nations we live right next door to. It is fascinating how much British history the French know and are taught at school. I am actually quite embarrassed when I realise Les Miserables (musical version) is my primary French historical reference. Yet, living in Paris, I have undergone, what I shall term, a 'Strasbourgean enlightment' and I feel all the richer for it. I, for the first time, feel truly European. Startling, given that I've lived in Europe my entire life. But it's true, I feel like a British European; one who can love the Queen and admire a Republic; who can raise a toast to Britain but do it with a glass of Bordeaux. I do not feel that, by being one, I cannot be the other. Indeed, I revel in the dichotomy.
Now, I am in no way saying in terms of political or economic governance that Brussels or Strasbourg is beyond criticism. The EU is a giant-mammoth of an organisation and it is wasteful, slow to react and endlessly bureaucratic. But I remember once having a lively classroom debate/all out brawl with my history teacher, Mr Brown, over the UK's relationship with Europe. I suppose it must have been when the Amsterdam treaty was being signed in 1997, because otherwise we would have been talking about duckboards and trench foot, as ever. I remember Mr Brown being quite an angry man with an unfortunate boil on his bald pate. "Vittozzi," the boil throbbed, "we dont want to be governed by corrupt officials in Strasbourg and Brussels!". I landed, what I felt was a killer blow, 'Brown, I am sure there's corrupt officials in Westminster too'. Bang, knock-out! Vittozzi champion of debate (and detention for being impertinent).
Now, years later, I still feel the same. Just because we fear one thing's not perfect, why should we think the status quo is any better, just by being what we've always known? I have described myself as British European. Do you think that's a contradiction? I don't. It's a term that accepts that countries can be united, but still have very different cultures. I know plenty of French people who live in London because they think the Brits do some things better. Vice versa with British people here. It's vital that this interaction of cultures, economics and politics is allowed to continue. It's something to be explored and cherished, rather than feared. If there's a 2015 referendum, I am a big IN. I want to be part of this economically, politicaly and culturally diverse mish-mash. And it's a position I will guard, as vocally as I can.
*The only person I have ever met who has a moat lives in Henley. And he's a prat.
** I always believed Henry VIII ate swans for breakfast. But apparently he liked marmalade.
Dave's remarks are just as embarrassing if you still live in the UK... let's remember that he wasn't elected PM and we voted to join the EU. We.re not all right wing biggots trying to win back votes from UKIP.
Dear 'Anonyme' (sorry, I couldn't see you name in your comment), Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my blog piece; it's always great to hear feedback. As you took the time to comment, I thought I would take the time to answer. I feel like we are rather talking at cross purposes. I think this is clear in your point of 'the UK has done more then any other EU state to promote diversity'. This piece does not look at the treatment of race, colour and diversity within UK or indeed French borders at all. I am quite happy to discuss multiculturalism in Paris - indeed, that's what other pieces on this blog look at. My comment on UK-centrisism is with regards to it position, now and historically, on Europe and the EU. David Cameron even mentioned in his speech, when he referenced the UK's "island psychology". Thanks again for commenting.
Another excellent blog, very topical and very well written. I am very fond of France, having spent over a year of my life in total there,spread over many years, and been shown much kindness and friendship. I have also travelled in a number of European countries where I have received much of the same. I voted to enter Europe in the original referendum but things were very different then. You and David Cameron acknowledge the shortcomings of the E U and the European Commission, there is indeed far too much waste which needs prompt and considerable eradication. The problem many people of my generation have is one of seemingly 'open door' immigration when Britain, as with other countries, is in the grip of Financial crises if not recession and a high unemployment rate. The world has changed since Britain joined the then 'Common Market'..many people in the U K believe Europe must change too--otherwise the E U will slowly disintegrate with more and more countries being dissatisfied. Let's hope both Britain and the E U sort things out..and quickly.
I am astonished at your comment abt how UK centric your homeland is. What rubbish! As a British Person Of Colour I can tell you that the UK has done more then any other EU state to promote diversity.You only have to wonder round any big British city to see how different cultures are affecting and changing the lives of Brits.This is reflected in arts, culture, food,music, film even language. People of colour in France have a very negative experience of racism.Your wonderful melting pot excludes them. Remember some 20 percent of the French voted for a far right party. There are over 400,000 French living in London compared to the 20,000 in Paris, so we must be getting something right.