When I first lost my husband to sudden death, I knew absolutely nobody that was my age who was widowed. The word "widow" made me cringe, and I ran away from any possibility that it could or would ever apply to me. Then I discovered Soaring Spirits and Camp Widow. Here were these people - hundreds of them - all over the country and the world - who were just like me. They had lost their partners too, and they were hurting and feeling alone too. Except suddenly, none of us were alone anymore, because now we had each other. The widowed community that I have met through Soaring Spirits is a HUGE part of the reason why I am alive and WANTING to be alive today. No joke. My widowed friends save my life over and over and over again, and I love them in a way that is impossible to describe. Soaring Spirits connects widowed people, and when you lose the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with - connection to people who "get it" means everything. My friends in the widowed community are evidence that there is life - joyful life - after loss. They inspire me daily, and I will always pay it forward however I can to Soaring Spirits, for giving me back my life again.
Lately, Im feeling a strangeness that is stranger than my normal daily strange.
I keep finding ways to make you feel closer.
Its like, I cant seem to find a way for you to feel close to me, nearby, present, in the way that I want.
Maybe it's because Im in a happy and loving relationship, and Im feeling delayed thoughts of guilt for that.
Or sadness, that you and I never got to this place.
This place of coming into our older years, and thinking about things such as retirement and our long-term futures. Saving money so we will be okay.
I don't know what it is, honestly.
But lately, I feel this overwhelming and heavy sadness, that you are not here.
And Im finding it harder to feel you here, in the ways in which I normally DO feel you here.
What was once natural, now feels like a struggle, lately.
To conjure you up in my heart, and feel that few moments of comfort from the knowing that you still exist somehow.
But I am having trouble connecting to it, feeling it.
Is this what happens when too much time goes by?
Is this distance going to get further and further away?
Mike thank you for sharing this, it helps me greatly in recognizing signs of depression with people in my own life. I think its great that you are taking care of yourself, and I hope that you find yourself with greater peace because of it.
I love this. Christina is amazing. I met her long ago also, and we have become friends. She is wonderful and very generous and big hearted. I have her new book and its been hard for me to read. I dont know why. I think Im scared to “go there” for some reason, but I have always beleived everything she speaks of. Energy. Love never dies. We are connected forever. All of it. My grief counelor took me through a period during our sessions a couple years ago, where she had me “shift” my relationship with Don from one of husband wife, to one of “forever connected , a beautiful bond, he is your spirit guide.” IT was soooo hard for me, to no longer “feel” married to him , but once I did it, I actualyl felt closer to him than ever before. I cant explain it, but ever since then, I feel him near me ALL THE TIME. Its not nearly as great as having him here on earth with me, but its nine million steps above feeling like he is nowhere, or somewhere where I cant feel him. I feel him right now. He is a part of everything. In some ways, our relationship feels even more profound than ever. I think you will feel that with your Chuck. I really do. I hope this helps.
Time lost feels so heavy after our person dies. I am VERY aware of precious time now, in my current relationship. I totally get it.
Don , your comment made me laugh lol. Sarah, I agree that it helps enormously to share with this community and to write it all out . The fears are so real and terrifying, it feels good to just put them somewhere sometimes, instead of hiding or ignoring them.
thank you everyone for these very kind comments. The trauma is real, as you all know.
This is so cute and I actually had a “tear” while reading about Shelby having a tear. Ha!!! I love that Weird Al is the thing you have in common. How hilariously perfect. I love him also. Hes the best. I bet that concert will be so silly and funny and just all kinds of FUN! Take pics please when you go!!!
Johan, 15 years later, are the grief triggers still there??? Im guessing the answer is YES.
Hi Linda! And thank you! Yes of course. The book will be available through Amazon once its finished. I will let everyone know!!!
Dammit Mike. I was fine until that last sentence.
You always get me with the crying…….
ps dry bologna sandwiches sound nasty. They need to do better for the dads!
I love everything about this Mike. You are a good day. You are letting your daughter grow up to be a person with her own thoughts and feelings, while allowing her to ask the sometimes hard or unanswerable questions, that might surely come up.
INDIE – I am sorry you haven’t found that door yet, the one that will make you feel as if you aren’t just simply existing – but actually living again. I can only tell you it took me 6 years to find that feeling, and still now, its very hard some days. I fight for my joy everyday. Its never easy. I hope you wont give up on yourself. When youre exhausted, take breaks. Take emotional breaks to zone out, think about something else, see a funny movie. Then come back to it when you can handle it more. You can reach out to me anytime also. Here. On Facebook, or at my email kelleyiskelley@gmail.com For real. Please don’t give up.
Finally have somet ime to catchup on blogs. Love this. And I wish that Don could read it, as crazy as that sounds. He and you have so much in common, and he never stopped missing Florida.