Really? That’s my immediate thought. How can I write about what’s true when I look around my life asking myself the same question. Just what is true?
All is quiet, my mind comes up empty. For I don’t see truth, only deception.
Hidden faces, hearts shielded in. We walk, we talk, we pretend through this very life we live. Saying the right things, doing the things and even trying… to be true.
All I can cling to, all I know to be true, is what is being revealed to me by my Creator God. He is true.
He is love. Holy. Kind. Peace. Joy. Mercy. Sacrifice. Forgiveness. Hope.
The very things I try to “be,” He is. The very ways I yearn to serve. He is. The very ways I desire to praise. He is.
All else won’t stand, doesn’t hold up, won’t last, crumbles as He whispers.
The internal clock keeps ticking away.
Their hands moving faster and faster. Or at least that is how it seems with each new day. This ever moving, constant rush for saving, preserving, honoring the most precious commodity we all have, time. Yet I sit and, I wait. No matter how much time I hope to collect so I might grab the moment, enjoy it’s walled in perception of peace and protection, I find I need to pause and wait.
Wait for peace. Wait for hope. Wait for healing.
There are times I yearn to move forward and spring forth from the places where I am still. Sometimes the darkness closes in, as I wait. For one more doctor appointment, one more lab to be drawn, one more medication, one more appointment to attend to, one more relationship to heal, one more conversation to be had, one more bill to pay, one more family member to visit. One more…..something.
I find that the more my plate overflows, the taller the piles gather around the home and never mind the endless house work neglected!
For healing. Healing in a physical sense, definitely. Yet healing in an emotional and spiritual sense, even more so.
There is something humbling, while also agonizing, about waiting. Like holding back a bull ready to charge. Just as you think it’s ready to move and tackle it’s prey, you pull on the reigns that much harder to make it stop. It’s like this game you play with yourself. You want more, you desire to be free, yet there is something which calls you back, heeds your heart, slows your pace.
You yearn for something, you want more, you crave it. Yet, you are called to wait.
This has been the mantra of my life. Just when I think I am read to leap and take this jump of faith, I plummet to the ground. Alas, to wait.
I’ve fully recovered from my surgery and perhaps my internal bleeding will be gone for good. I’ve already had a moment when symptoms started again and the battle in my mind began again. Not wanting to ignore things and circumstances, yet not wanting to over-react. Will there ever be a balance? I find, I must wait. Again. Stop and start. Push and pull. Constant tension, unanswered questions.
I know in my waiting, I am not alone. My faith in my God assures me so. Where would I be without Him?
This makes it worth the wait.