i am 36 years old, i have a 5 year old daughter and 7 year old son whom i raise alone. their mother and i were both drug addicts and alcoholics together though our drugs of choice differed as ell as alcohol type and frequency.
point being i am not simply a drug addict and alcoholic i am also mentally ill , after so many years of not drinking or using drugs why did i suddenly begin to huff computer at my moms house. i passed out and split my eyebrow on her computer desk . i have a scar in my right eybrow from it. it was 4th of july 11 and i made up a bs story.
i didn't really understand why i was drawn to this and especially embarrassed because here i had resisted some many things for so many years and the had a technical relapse (technical because it wasnt a drug i had retired from. it seemed family stress was at the original root, shortly after i huffed at a friends house while they weren't home and split my right eyebrow again. i had lied to my psycho therapist about the first one but now i had to come clean. she was baffled, i was still baffled.
then i happened Thanksgiving, but worse was Christmas day 6 cans and i don't know if it was the withdrawl or the amount in my blood stream but i had a 103 degree by the evening and half the next day. i was also vomiting. i didnt tell my mom, but she found out an d i told my therapist and she said that one more time and she is state mandated to send me to a state outpatient drug [program and i was fine for months.
suddenly last week it just started again, and with just me and my children in the house. i had made sure there was food they could serve themselves and the doors in the whole house locked and verbally reinforced the no unlocking the door for nobody policy.
i thought it would be just a day, but it happened through out the weekend and i could not stop, maybe having done over 20 cans by Monday and though i was able to feed the kids and get them washed for bed i could not get out of bed to send them to school. i left a message on my therapist machine that i had spent 5 days in be and i was very afraid. i thought making the call would have been enough but sure enough Tuesday and Wednesday YOU MUST BE ASKING YOURSELVES WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? i didn't do it for the five minute high but rather feel as if i no longer exist.
when the case workers and the cops came to my house i told them every thing (the officer kept asking veiled questions and i dont know if it was out of habit or he didt realize that i did not get busted, i essentially turned my self in knowing i need help.
now i just have to make it through the weekend. it has become very apparent that talking about how to get it, use it and even how fatal this problem is because we end up teaching the next kid how to do it.
i am writing all of this because this addiction (being unable from stopping myself from buying it as well as spending al thee time rechecking all the other cans. i am writing all this because i am lucky i did not dye and i am lucky my kids did not get themselves hurt or worse while i in and out of conciseness, but maybe enough of these stories will draw a picture.
Bless you for admitting that you have a problem and for being willing to get outside professional help. Those with an addiction and mental illness can have a compounded problem. You're smart though to have gone into such a program in the past, and hopefully, the current inpatient program is a MICA (mental illness chemical addiction), too. Those programs for people with a dual diagnosis usually have an on-site psychiatrist with more knowledge about those issues who may prescribe (or switch/increase) medication, if need be. (You're probably aware, but please only take the prescribed amount of medication and no more or less.) The products used as an inhalant are so readily available, so perhaps that's how you'd gotten started.
My friend actually has a severe BRAIN INJURY from inhalant use at the age of 12, now in her 30s.
Please keep us posted of your progress. Everyone's thoughts and prayers are with you and your recovery.
thank you jane for replying to my pst. i was honestly battling the urge just now and i probably would have ended up giving in, but i said let me check in on my little writiting and if you hadnt repliieed i just might have given in.