Here’s the thing: Unless you’re Martin Luther King, Jr., no one cares about your dream. And more than being apathetic, they actively hope and pray that you don’t tell them about your dream. It’s not that they don’t love you (although keep telling them your dreams and watch this factor come into play), it’s that other people’s dreams are really, really boring. And they don’t make sense. And they are boring.
Yesterday my son started telling me his dream that seemed to involve a tough guy or beheadings and I was making my “I’m listening” face, which incidentally is identical to my “I’m trying to see the tips of my eyelashes” face, but inside I was thinking, “Does this dream have an end? Is he still talking? My God, how many words do seven year olds know, anyway? His mouth is still moving. He’s chewing, right? Maybe he’s just chewing. But there is also sound. Stop. Talking. Stop. SHUT UP ALREADY.” And this is my child, who I love and who is precious to me. So you can imagine what it’s like if a semi-precious co-worker starts regaling me with stories of dream super powers.
And yet, I’ve been there. I’ve had a dream that was so exciting, intricate and real that I absolutely had to share it with someone. More than one someone. And I’ve tried various tricks to keep the person interested. And now, for no extra charge, I will share them with you.
1. Pick your target carefully. I cannot stress this enough. Generally speaking, there are only two types of people who do not mind listening to dreams: Analysts (Freudian, preferably) and prostitutes. And sometimes the latter have standards, so I can’t make any guarantees. If you are on a budget, and neither of those two is an option, try to make sure that your dream-recipient falls into one of the following categories: asleep/comatose, does not speak English, listening to an Ipod with eyes closed. This will minimize any annoyance that you may inadvertently inflict.
2. Make sure your victim has a drink in his/her hand. Be prepared to say “the next one’s on me,” whenever you come to an end of the sentence. Do not be alarmed by how quickly the other person is draining the drinks. It only looks like they are doing martini shots.
3. Make sure all the exits out of the room are secured.
4. Leg irons and handcuffs never hurt anyone, either.
6. Never say, “Oh, I forgot about this part, let me back up.” That expression can turn a murder into “justifiable homicide”.
7. You know how your English teacher told you that the details make the story? Don’t start listening to her now.
9. Have band aids on hand in case your victim’s ears start to bleed.
10. Never do “dream sequels”. That’s when you re-target the same victim and say, “remember that dream I told you the other day? Well, I had a follow-up dream last night!” Because just the other night I had a dream that someone started to do that to me, and boy was it annoying. It’s a good thing that I looked just like Uma Thurman in it.
I am just plain embarrassed at how quickly I have become addicted to your blog. It’s my new favourite!
Well, Uma, that was your funniest yet! LOL at retaliatory dream telling.
Kids at least are trying to make sense out of their dreams and parents are supposed to help them make sense out of the world so it sort of makes sense…except for the part where they start lying because they lose track of what really happened in their dream or it wasn’t exciting enough. But adults? No excuse, unless they pay you large sums of money first.
Thanks, ladies! Wait, you’re not just saying that so that I will listen to your dreams, are you? Because I’m not ready to start drinking yet.
That was awesome. Now I’ve got my sister addicted to your blog too. You know, the one whose baby looks like an aardvark.
OMG!! OMG!!!! That’s me. And my son. Who’s only 4. Does this mean it’s going to get worse????!!!! WTF??!!!
I wanted to tell you how I had a dream about Twitter and you last night but I won’t because it would break my heart if you stopped following me.
Does MamaGingerTree know that if her sister reads your blog she can see that she called her baby an aardvark?
seriously. i love your blog so much. this post was hilarious.
especially the part about your son — i thought it was me listening to my ten year old….
This is exactly why I don’t tell people about my dreams. Thanks for the confirmation.
after reading about this, I dreamt my vet became my new lesbian roommate and she was very mean to me. and I was working at a photo store, selling film and stuff. do they still have those? It was very traumatic, and I am glad it’s over.
My favorite was no sequels. You are really taking all the fun out of dreaming. super funny.
Now to find a prostitute so I can tell her the rest of my dream.
Next post: He’s Here All Week!