Some people think that there are too many choices for people nowadays. I agree with this statement. (If you agree with this statement, why use some people?) But (There is no contrast between the two sentences. Wrong use of BUT.) for me, this development brings positive effects on society.
I believe that with the advancement of technology and an increase in income we have too many choices. This is a positive development as people have wider options available in entertainment, education, and career.
NOTE that the tone of this essay seems negative due to the use of the words “TOO MANY CHOICES”. However, you can take it positively. You can say that there are too many choices in a few domains and that’s a good thing. We have too many choices in career and this helps people make the right choice.
There are more careers choices as compared to the last era, (1) this certainly brings benefit to people. In the past, people rely relied (wrong tense) heavily on agriculture agricultural industry. It required lot amount of tremendous human labour to grow the food or take care of the animals. However, due to the technology progress, computers system could replace people on farming, (how? The idea is not properly developed.) and people could use the time on other careers filed such as system engineer. (2) This gives people more chances to choose the job that suits their personality and ability.
1. Do not use vague words in the IELTS exam. What is an era? It is not specific. So, your comparison is vague. During the last two decades, career choices have increased exponentially due to the proliferation of computers and the internet.
2. Please develop the ideas in a logical manner: In the past, people used to spend most of their time on agriculture. With the introduction of technologies such as harvesters, tractors, and tillers, farmers work for less than two months a year and have enough time to pursue alternate careers.
The above paragraph is not specific in nature. This impacts the Task Achievement score and Coherence score. Moreover, the word choice is not optimum.
The question is NOT about more choices. It is about too many choices. Are there too many choices in career? Let me present a sample paragraph on too many choices in jobs.
Also, there is a sharp increase in the number of entertainment choices. Currently, digital devices such as computer, television, and smartphone, contain many different video games and programs, which was were not available in the last century. Whenever people want to relax and find something interesting or exciting, they could can simply find it at home. This can prevent the teenager them (why to introduce a new noun? Let us use a pronoun to refer back to the noun in the previous sentence.) from feeling bored and coming up with a silly idea that might hurt their surrounding.
In conclusion, it is clear that there are many choices in different fields currently and I believe that this is a positive development.
There are a few issues with the word choice. You’ve used different words with the same meaning in the same sentence. This will impact the LR score.