I feel really guilty for not celebrating Grace’s birthday this year. Last year we had a cake and balloons; this year we were at my moms and just lit a candle. No cake, no nothing.
Sometimes I forget to light a candle in her room on Sundays.
I still think of her every day, but I don’t cry as much as I used to.
Other baby-loss moms do something for their baby at every holiday. Some of them have even started organizations or donated things in memory of their child! Many of them have become advocates for stillbirth…I haven’t done anything like this. I didn’t/don’t even care enough to try to speak with anyone at Mayo about the way they handled us during our hospital stay.
I don’t go to Compassionate Friends’ Meetings any more. I guess by the time they roll around, I’m just too tired (or lazy) to go.
I can’t wait to move to the cities because there are actual stillbirth support groups there. We both really want to join one and there aren’t any out here in the sticks.
Another thing I feel guilty about: not holding Grace! I should’ve held her, bathed her, dressed her in her own clothes. I should’ve spent more time with her. I should’ve called a NILMDTS photographer.
I know I’m supposed to be gentle on myself, but some days I feel like my guilt could eat me alive.