As of March 2, the Portland Timbers 2019 season is on. That means hordes of green-and-white scarves on the MAX, pre-gaming at the Cheerful Bullpen, and stray fans in the streets singing co-opted Italian anti-fascist songs. At least, there will be those things. But not until June 1, when the home team finally returns from an epic three-month away game schedule to a bigger (better?) Providence Park.
But, lemonade and all that: let’s get ourselves to at least some of those 12 Timbers games happening elsewhere in the nation. Because the team needs noise. And don't think, when we win, that we'll keep it to ourselves. We're already stockpiling sick burns.
WHEN WE WIN: We will tell you your new skyscrapers are tiny and your air is thin!
WHEN WE WIN: We will eat your tacos.
WHEN WE WIN: We will drink ALL of the Kentucky bourbon. No bourbon for you!
WHEN WE WIN: We will remind you your team plays in Carson, which is barely Los Angeles.
WHEN WE WIN: We will tell everyone that Milpitas is the better city.
WHEN WE WIN: We will empty vats of Skyline's chili spaghetti in the streets.
WHEN WE WIN: We will play a relevant Drake track. Maybe "Hold On, We're Going Home."
WHEN WE WIN: We will drink alllll your near beer and get sooo mildly tipsy.
WHEN WE WIN: We will test your topfreedom tolerance with a shirtless parade through Gastown.
WHEN WE WIN: We will tour the NASA Space Center. Is there anything else to do?
WHEN WE WIN: A cheesesteak feast. And then, we will crop-dust and run.