Q: My teenage son has got an addiction problem. The counselor we are working with suggests a tough love approach. Can this be harmful? My husband is less willing to go along with it. Can it still work? Why do you think someone would resist a tough love approach? Please advise.
A: Tough love means firm boundaries. Without firm boundaries, addiction runs rampant. Tough love alone won't produce sobriety though. Tough love must be coupled with understanding, acceptance, encouragement and faith that the addict can regain control; all of these without the firm boundaries would be less than sufficient. Remember: addicts are addicted to lying as well as substances. Tough love demands honesty. That's why it's an essential part of recovery. What is tough may not, necessarily, be harsh. There's got to be "love'" in the toughness.
If one parent agrees to a tough love strategy and another doesn't it sometimes means that the parent who is unwilling to engage in the strategy is in denial about how brutal addiction can be to a teen's body and soul. The tough love stands to protect the teen from the addiction. The recovery strategy must be tough enough to withstand the addiction's ruthlessness.
Sometimes refusal to sign on to a tough love strategy results from a parent being in denial about whether their child is addicted. Admittedly, this is an excruciating realization. too painful for some.
Given your differences it is questionable whether any approach will work. That will depend to a large degree upon whether you and your husband can strike a balance between the strengths in your willingness to apply a tough love strategy and his unwillingness. In other words, you can completment OR undermine each other. Is there a way in which he can support you without agreeing one hundred percent in the way you see the situation? Is there some way to extend a softness to your son ON THE CONDITION that he is following the rules set out to prevent him from using? And can your husband agree that firm boundaries – regardless of whether you call it tough love or adequate support – are needed. If you can not come to an agreement about this point supporting your son’s recovery will be difficult. Your best option: talk things out with your husband and make sure that he sees that, in your caring for your son and your need to see your son get better – you are, despite differences, on the same page.