I lost myself in late nights spent with you, in early mornings just me and you.
And then - I found myself too.
I found myself in the late nights we’ve had together, I found myself when it was just us before the sun came up, when it was just your little voice fingers and toes.
I lost myself when my hands were full with all the needs that everyone had. And then- I found myself. I found myself, I found the artist the dreamer, the daughter; joy seeker hiding in the mundane-ness of daily tasks.
I found myself when I took care of you.
I lost myself in new curves, new gray hairs, dark circles, new scars, new numbers.
Then I found myself in a new strength and a new beauty. In a new God given glory. In a new softness a new grace and a new endurance.
Then I found affirmation from God, who called me to raise you and love you and be changed in the raising of you. I found acceptance every time you smiled and recognition every time you reached for me to hold you.
I lost my confidence as an unknown anxiety grew, fed by exhaustion and doubt. An anxiety fed by comparison.
And then- I found myself too.
I found my confidence fighting for you. Every time you got sick, every time you were hurt. Doubts were erased when I took my place as your mother.
I’m finding myself in peace and acceptance too. You don’t need a perfect mother or a better mother you just need your mother.
I lost myself in trying to create a perfect home, a better home.
I found myself when I just created our home instead.
I lost my joy when I questioned my importance, and my purpose. When I felt so small.
I found my joy when I saw the lasting significance of my presence with you, of our time together. Now I see it’s huge.
I lost my drive for passion and dreams feeling guilty for anything that might take me away from you. Then I found my passion and dreams when I realized I would accomplish it; in not in spite of -but because of you. That you were my motivation and inspiration. That I wouldn't pursue without you- I would pursue it all with you.
I lost peace when it all felt too much.
I found peace when I learned I wasn’t meant to do it all.
I lost myself when I felt weak.
I found myself when I remembered your name means God is my strength.
I lost myself when I feared you wouldn’t exist.
I found myself again when I learned about your existence.
I lost myself in a never ending mess.
I found myself in the joy that comes with chaos.
I lost control, I found peace.
I lost perfection, I found Joy.
I was lost in the pain that I might never have you, I found beauty when I held you in my arms.
I lost hope and then found restoration when you joined this world.
I’ve lost all the answers and found more questions.
I lost regret and found the present.
I lost expectations, I found growth.
All when I found you.