I have been tossing the idea around in my head. Considering what I would say to you. Running through scenarios in the shower.
I came dangerously close to texting you, to admitting I missed you, to letting you back into my world for at least a little while — but I changed my mind.
I am not going to take steps backward. I am not going to retreat to the past. I am not going to let my guilt pull me in the wrong direction.
I am not going to let you take advantage of me again. I am not going to give you the opportunity to make the same mistakes a second time. I am not going to place myself into a toxic situation on purpose.
I am not going to convince myself you deserve another chance. I am not going to tell myself maybe you have changed. I am not going to rationalize reaching out to you when it is clearly the wrong decision.
I am not going to listen to my heart over my head. I am not going to blindly follow my impulses. I am not going to act stupid because of loneliness.
I am not going to text you, even though you would love to hear from me. Even though you would answer the call in seconds. Even though we would be able to play pretend — for at least a little while — and act like everything is fine between us.
I am not going to let the temptation to talk to you get the best of me. I am not going to make the biggest mistake of my life on a whim. I am not going to give you any attention whether I am drunk or sober, whether I am alone in an empty apartment or surrounded by friends who treat me better than you ever have.
I am allowed to miss you without reaching out to you. I am allowed to wish things worked out differently without trying to set things right with you for the hundredth time.
I walked away from you because I realized there was no way to fix what was broken between us. Time has passed since then — but time does not change anything. You are still the same person.
Even if you have changed into someone more respectful, someone more mature, someone with an actual conscience, you still do not deserve to have me in your world. You need to learn that your actions have consequences. You cannot take away what you did to me. You cannot erase our history. You screwed up and now you have to live with yourself.
Even after everything you put me through, I still thought about texting you. I thought about forgiving you. I thought about talking to you like an adult instead of avoiding you. But I changed my mind. I blocked your number. I remembered how much pain you brought me the first time. And I promised myself there would not be a second time.